The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (18 June 2011)

That's The Smiths with this charming man.

Hey, how you doing, listeners?

Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

I'm Adam Buxton.

Hello, I am Joe Cornish.

Joe Cornish off mic.

How you doing, man?

Joe's a little upset because someone's got control of his computer screen.

It's all going wrong this morning.

Someone's got control of his screen.

It's like Mission Impossible.

It's taken over!

Tom Cruise has got control of Cornball's computer.

I'm sure it'll be sorted out.

And a special good morning to Black Squadron, the country's most physically attractive fighting force.

Let's stand the squadron to attention with the following jungle.

Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show.

Black Squadron don't want to miss a thing.

That's not the way Black Squadron runs.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the Squadron's power

Now the reason black squadron are one of the countries, well I say one of, are the countries most physically attractive fighting forces because they are now after 12 weeks of commands, they're very toned.

Sure they are.

Beautifully, not over the top musculature.

No.

But just lovely.

Not grotesque.

Not grotesque, just very shapely.

And this week, Black Squadron, we're going to give you a command that evokes one of the most dangerous periods of rock history.

Sure.

One of the most rebellious and edgy periods of rock history.

We've thought about this a lot.

It's not easy formulating commands for the squadron, is it?

Because when you're thinking about the big British castle guidelines, the things that you don't want to encourage people to do, the things that people might do because they're so enthusiastic that they cause harm to themselves and others around them, you've really got to be careful.

You've got to be careful.

So when you hear this Black Squadron command, don't do anything naughty.

No.

Don't make any rude signs at the camera.

Don't make any rude politically inflammatory signs.

Don't hurt anyone.

Don't put any safety pins in difficult places.

The way you can't get them out again or you have to go to A&E afterwards.

We don't want anyone to finish the show in A&E because of the Black Squadron command.

So take care, squadroners.

When you hear the command, you'll wonder why we're saying all this.

It's quite tame, right?

Well, it depends how you interpret it, isn't it?

Who are Black Squadron?

What is the Black Squadron Command?

Well, the Black Squadron Command is a way of challenging the elite listening force.

The squadron that listens to this show live every 10 o'clock to 10.30, that is the Black Squadron period.

You're not really a squadron member if you listen to the show outside of that period.

You're a lazy squadron.

And if you are able to, you have to take a picture of yourself as soon as Commander Cornballs issues the command, and then send it in to the following email address, which is adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk, adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

You could also text your picture to 64046.

Texts will be charged at your standard message rate.

And we will put some of the best of the photographs on our blog afterwards just to warn you.

We should really be playing a record in the style of the command.

Are we?

Yeah.

He's on top of it.

James is a proper producer.

He's been doing this for many weeks.

Stand by, Black Squadron.

Here we go with your command.

The text number 64046 for your photos.

This week's Black Squadron command is PUNK!

dear there's a little raspberry at the end there there's not too many songs that end with a raspberry are there that's a good one though isn't it did you ever have a punk phase joseph cornish not really no no i was a bit too young for punk i was that was during the silver jubilee and stuff i was being very uh patriotic and monarchistic and wearing lots of union jack badges and going to street parties certainly was not being a punk i wasn't jumping about being rude about the queen

Why would I want to do that?

Why be any different?

I was enjoying my Jubilee mug, which I still have on the shelf, along with my Charles and Di... Well, you've got a very big collection of Royal memorabilia.

Sure I do.

The listeners would be surprised if they walked into your front room.

It's completely decked out with Union Jacks, Kate and Wills, Fergie and... what's his space?

And Charles and Di stuff.

Yeah.

Jubilee, Golden Jubilee, Queen Mum.

You love them.

Absolutely love them.

Can't get enough of them, Laura.

Laura!

You're royalty obsessed.

Yeah.

But on the flip side of that, the Black Squadron command was punk and squadron.

I don't know what's going on.

We've only had, oh no, here we go.

There's a third or actually we've just refreshed and things have got better.

It started out quite badly.

Look at that man.

Is that today?

Hey, that's good.

That's art.

He's got clips on him and he's got... What sort of clips are they?

They're like blue plastic clothes pegs.

He's got fancy clothes pegs.

All over his face, literally.

So he's like a human porcupine.

They're on his nose, his lips, his nostrils, his ears and his hair.

He's suffering for his squadron.

That's very good.

There's a gentleman.

Oh, that's very good, isn't it?

A gentleman or a lady, possibly a lady, I guess, who already has a nose ring and she simply put a safety pin into the nose ring.

That's a way of like piercing herself without actually, you know, compromising her skin.

It's quite a scary looking man flicking a V sign and he doesn't appear to be wearing clothes.

It's the top part.

He looks like that can't be published.

That V sign is too naughty for the castle.

That's naughty.

That would out.

rage people if you post it there.

He looks like Vinnie Jones, that geezer.

Mmm, that man's just wearing a t-shirt saying punk.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

Well keep the pictures coming in Black Squadron, there's some very creative interpretations.

You know, speaking of the Royal Family as we were just then, I found myself in a strange position the other day.

Someone had, must, hang on.

No, the other position.

I was round for lunch at someone's house and they had that

book of photographs where they've, you know, they've got doubles for the royal family.

And they're taking pictures of them in shocking positions and stuff doing naughty things.

What's the name of that lady who does those?

Ah.

Alison.

Yeah.

I've got a mug by her.

It's an Alison.

Um, and anyway, they were, they were flicking through that and one of the pictures was, and everyone was kind of passing the book round and chuckling at it and stuff.

And, uh, one of the pictures- It sounds like a marvelous dinner party.

Well it was, you know, it was, it was one of those things where, I don't know if you, I'm sure you do get this actually, Joe, but, um, everyone is getting so into something and enjoying it so much you think, I'm going to rain on this parade.

You're talking to Scornballs!

What do you mean, that's my MO?

That's right!

I'm gonna think, what would Joe do?

I know, he'd get a little bucket of scorn and he'd pour it on that book.

That's not what I do.

So I thought, I'm gonna do that too.

So I got out my scorn bucket.

And when the book came round to me, I found this, one of the photographs was they'd mocked up the doubles of Wills and Kate out in Africa.

And Wills and Kate were wandering along hand in hand in their nice clothing, looking happy.

And in the background, there were loads of African people, like tribespeople dressed up in tribal gear, carrying Wills and Kate's luggage, you know, loads and loads of their luggage and looking sort of exhausted.

And I just thought, that is beyond the pale, because I don't think Wills and Kate would do that.

I don't think that they would walk along there and let someone else carry their luggage in that way, whether they were in Africa or any other part of the world.

And I felt like what started out being a bit of scorn-pouring ended up being just me defending the royal family against accusations.

And it's happening again.

In a way it is, because I'm broadcasting it, aren't I?

On a radio programme.

I forgot about that.

Listen, I'd better do a free play.

Here's Emmy the Great, and we love Emmy the Great on this programme.

We do love Emmy the Great.

We were introduced to her and her lovely world, I guess thanks to our producer James who got her along to one of our Glastonbury shows a few years back and she sang for us live then.

I hope she's going to do the same next weekend when wearing Glastonbury because Emmy the Great is playing.

Emmy the Great is the name of her band.

Emmy herself is called Emily Moss and her new album is called Virtue.

This is a track called Dinosaur Sex.

steady and it's um beautifully produced and uh it's about what are you chuckling nothing you're sounding like your dad you're sounding like your dad oh am i he's beautifully produced absolutely beautifully produced the sounds are wonderful it's about the apocalypse fear of the apocalypse sure it is yeah here it is dinosaur sex this is emmy the great

Minnie Riperton.

She's absolutely ripped.

She's got Minnie Ripertons.

Listen, Black Squadron, you've done an extraordinary job with this command this morning.

Well done all of you, particularly Rowan Smith, who has sort of used onion rings and a bit of popcorn to create some piercings.

Is that an onion ring?

I hope so.

It's snaking in and out of his mouth like two vampire teeth that are conjoined.

What is it?

Let's have a look.

Is it a sausage?

And then he's put a piece of... It's not a sausage.

What kind of sausages do you eat?

Circular ones?

Yeah, thin.

Round sausages.

Can you get round sausages?

Yeah, well when they hang them up in shops, like they tie them together.

Oh that's true, yeah.

He'd have a completely circle.

Verst.

Brad Verst.

That's very good.

Rowan.

Tom in Cheltenham was the gentleman with the hundreds of blue plastic clothes pegs.

Simon Pegg.

He suffered a great deal.

He's got a bulgy eye look, but I can assume that is the pain causing that.

Claire and Andrew McCluskey.

Have we featured them before?

I think we might have, but they've done a very good job with bin bag dresses.

It was an earlier squadron command there coming back into play.

Do you remember that?

That's right.

Bin bag dress?

It's not a practical way of dressing.

I mean, that's the thing about the punks is that they smelled bad because if you wear bin bags...

They didn't care.

I know they didn't care.

That wasn't the point.

But it was a very uncomfortable time for young people.

Fun to be filthy.

Yeah, but no sweaty as well.

Anyway, Claire and Andrew are doing very good.

I mean, Andrew's got a very, very rebellious face there.

He's cocking a snoop.

Or a snook.

He's cocking a snoop and a snook.

I would say a snook.

And Claire there, she's looking very grumpy and belligerent.

Yeah, she doesn't want to do what she's told.

No, she's going to do the opposite of what she's told, like Colin Farrell.

Exactly.

There's Ewan, and Ewan's just put a big furry cushion on his head to create the illusion of a punk haircut.

Spiky haircut.

He's very good.

Did you watch that documentary about the history of festivals last night?

I'm sure it was a repeat.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

It was quite good, wasn't it?

Yeah he did and Adam's like he didn't watch it.

It was on BBC 4 it was very good.

Some of you listeners out there might have seen it.

It was about the history of free festivals.

It mainly made me think every single festival they covered I just thought oh glad I wasn't there.

Did you watch it?

Yeah I did watch it.

I get very mixed signals from you this morning.

I saw Jeremy Beadle there in it.

That was good but the point is the punks ruined it.

The punks came along and ruined it.

It was all going swimmingly.

The punks yeah.

They came along and ruined it with their shouting and spitting.

The hippies ruined it.

No, actually the cops ruined it.

The cops ruined it first.

Everyone ruined it.

Someone's always going to ruin it.

Anyway, well done, Black Squadron.

That's a terrific response.

Watch out for the very best of those photos up on the Adam and Joe blog, bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Joe.

They'll be there later in the day, but not if you flicked a rude sign at the camera or did anything that isn't family friendly.

Exactly.

Because this is sort of family-friendly punks, isn't it?

Yeah, it's like a kid's show.

Anodyne punks.

Pretend punks.

Part-time punks.

Kaiser chief news, ladies and gentlemen.

The Kaiser's are back and as far as I know they're doing something like they've uploaded a load of tracks

20 tracks or something you can download them from their website and Then some point they will decide which ones are the public's favorites And then maybe those will be compiled onto an official album release Isn't that putting the cart before the horse you can't just do let the public?

Decide can you you have to tell the public?

Well, if there are more tracks online than there are on the album, then why don't you just miss the tracks that aren't on the album on the album?

I think it's up to the band to say, this is what you're getting.

Enjoy it or don't.

That's the album.

Deal with it.

You know, there's all this democracy of the web.

Anyway, having said all that, enjoy this.

I'm not saying anything about the songs, I'm sure they're great.

I've not heard this one before.

I think it's probably brilliant.

It's the Kaiser Chiefs with Little Shocks.

Exploring new sonic territory there, that's the Kaiser Chiefs with Little Shocks.

Fantastic sounds.

You're on 66 Music.

That's my new voice.

Gonna do the rest of the show like that.

Quickly news.

Okay, we gotta stand the squadron down first.

Okay.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bun It's 10.31 and 30 seconds, it's time for the news

Now, staying a little bit punky there with Richard Hell and the Voidoids, Blank Generation.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

How you doing, listeners?

Yeah, you OK?

You well?

Good.

It's a little bit sunny here in London.

Hope it's nice where you are.

I got absolutely soaked on my bike yesterday.

We went to the Steam Fair.

Didn't see you at the Steam Fair, Joe Cornballs.

I'm sorry I did explain to Mr. Cocker that I wouldn't be able to attend because I was otherwise engaged.

Was it good fun?

For the National Autistic Society we were down there in London in Fulham.

It was fun but it was really rainy.

It was kind of unfair.

how rainy it was and I felt sorry for the organizers but still everyone turned up Harry Hill turned up and Jonathan Ross and Jarvis and they were all there and lots of very nice people very nice to meet you if you were there yesterday so it was fun and it's a great fair that those Carter's Steam Fair places

Are you smiling?

I'm smiling.

I'm reading one of these retrotext donations.

I'm just tortling about the fun that's to come.

Yeah.

It sounded like the hospital radio with me saying it's a great fair.

It's an absolutely great fair.

It's a terrific fair.

The little antique steam engines, some of them are beautiful.

The way they're kept is absolutely marvellous and the... I like the noise better.

Now that's radio.

Listen, it's retro text the nation time retro text the nation.

Are you ready for that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just gonna do another Well don't No, okay.

It's retro text the nation time This is the time when people who listen to the show via the podcast or via listen again Can contribute to the previous week's text the nation if that's clear.

That's why it's called retro text the nation and of course Just to be serious for a moment

This section of the show does have one of the most incredible jingles ever.

Hang on, I think it's actually the most amazing jingle ever written.

And I wrote it and when I wrote it...

You wrote it.

I did write it.

When I wrote it, I just didn't.

I just had no idea.

I had no idea.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I mean, I had no idea I was writing The Greatest Jingle, but you don't.

And I was talking to Sir Paul McCartney the other day and I was asking him whether he knew when he wrote some of those songs that they were what they were.

And he said no.

And that's, you know, and I said, no, that's amazing because I didn't feel it either.

And we got on really well.

Yeah.

And he was talking about yesterday and you were saying, well, yes, retro text nations is the yesterday of Jingle.

He bought it up.

There's no way I would have started that conversation, but he bought it up.

It's the most covered jingle, I'm sorry to say.

Here is a message from Nicholas Cecil Montgomery Ward III, a mailman.

He's very clever.

From Chelmsford in Essex.

Perceptive man.

He says, Dear Professor Buxophiles and Dr Cornucopia,

Uh, my friend David works as an archivist at the big British castle, and he's recently discovered a remarkable and previously unheard demo recording of the Beatles from 1962, talking about Macca.

However, I feel that this startling discovery may help to redress the animosity felt by Adam around the ongoing popularity of the retro textination jingle.

Well, let's have a look and, uh, or even a listen and see what he's on about.

I used to listen to Adam Joe, but I listened to the podcast, not the live show.

I used to feel acute frustration, yeah.

Oh no, oh yeah.

Because I couldn't join him with taxonation, but now my problems have disappeared.

Because retro taxonation's here.

I mean that's very amusing but that's not the Beatles.

Is it not?

No that's fake.

I mean because I just wouldn't want you to diminish my true story about meeting Paul McCartney and us chatting with some bit of fakery.

I mean it's very good fake.

Well done.

Well done Nicholas.

Nicholas Ward, thank you so much for that.

Although, you know, I don't think the Beatles ever did have a phase where they sang in broad Liverpudlian accents.

I'm not sure about that.

A Beatles expert could tell me.

But let's get into retrotexanation.

Last week we were talking about domestic decoration differences.

The triple D that divides so many happy households.

You're in there, you're cohabiting with your partner or your wife or whoever you're cohabiting with and...

What's going on this morning?

It's like now that's what I call DJ voices.

We've had everyone from your dad through to some kind of Radio 1 DJ now.

What are we?

Hospital radio?

I don't know.

I'm someone who says yeah instead of your.

I'm your kind of daytime, your fun DJ.

Your DJ who says yeah in front of a lot of your things.

Decorating difference.

In front of a lot of your things.

Yeah, you know, it's when you have a massive argument with your partner about how you're going to decorate your house.

Is that clear enough?

Here we go.

I'll start you off with one.

Here is a message from... This link's gonna go on forever.

It's been going on for about five minutes already and we haven't even read one single message.

Here's one from Affy.

He's a mailman.

Though recently mistaken for a woman by Joe, he says.

He's in Bournemouth, I guess, if he must have mailed in before.

Good story.

Fun story.

He says, dear Buckles and Corn Nuts, some time ago I mentioned to an old lady friend that having recently used the bathroom at my parents' house, which is carpeted, I found it very cozy, and I would like to have a carpeted bathroom myself in the next place I lived.

She found the idea appalling and unhygienic, claiming that bathwater would spill out onto the carpet, and that men often miss the bowl when urinating.

I told her that this was nonsense, and that I never missed the bowl, whilst sober or otherwise, and she had been influenced by television into believing that this was a common occurrence.

I also told her that at any rate you can put down mats around the toilet or bath which can then be washed, but she wouldn't budge.

She even told me that it would be a deal breaker if we moved in together.

I found her vehement reaction quite surprising, so took to asking people I know about their feelings on the carpet in the bathroom.

To my surprise, no one backed me, and everyone agreed that her bathroom carpeting

Everyone agreed with her that bathroom carpeting is not a good idea, leaving me feeling isolated and unsure of myself.

Is there something wrong with me?

Yes.

Let's move on.

Yes, there is something wrong with him.

Are you not going for the carpeting in the bathroom?

No.

No, who would?

You'd have to be mental.

You want a wipe clean surface.

Of course you do.

You don't want a spongy surface that can absorb liquids and hairs and munch.

What?

That's one of your words, isn't it?

No, it certainly isn't.

Yeah, so he's on his own.

But listen, don't feel isolated.

What's his name?

Affy.

Affy, I'm sure there's a stinky woman out there for you.

Here's one from Megan from Australia.

Oh, mate.

Dear Adam and Joe.

That's good, isn't it?

Where's the accent, mate?

Well, I'm not gonna... Shall I read that?

No, you don't have to.

It's disrespectful.

My friend recently moved out with her boyfriend into a new apartment.

The place didn't come with curtains so her boyfriend decided to hang his many football scarves over the windows.

He thought it looked so good that they should stay there permanently so they wouldn't need to buy curtains.

great idea football scarves backlit dear my lovely this obviously caused an argument which my friends somehow lost when the plumber came over and said it looked awesome it's absolutely hideous lots of love from Megan Megan why are you why why is the plumber settling the arguments

Well, cos he's a plumber.

Right.

He has very earthy skills.

Yeah, you need an objective eye sometimes, don't you?

Exactly.

But you can't have the argument settled by someone who doesn't even live in the place.

Football scarves for curtains?

That sounds atrocious.

They'd be illuminated on a sunny day.

Yeah, that's an absolutely rotten idea.

Hideous.

Here is a message right now from Andy in Cheltenham.

Hey, Andy, how you doing?

He says, Hello, Captain Buckinghamshire and Lord Cornwalliam.

Christ.

I work for one of the UK's largest building societies and a few years back they had an advertising campaign.

I was forcibly selected as the staff member to star in this campaign which consisted of my massive head and shoulders and face taking up a whole poster with the tagline, come in and talk to me about savings.

This was shown around the whole branch network and my face was on nearly every high street in the south of England.

It's long over now and I managed to swipe a few of the massive posters but my fiance will not let me put up the poster as the main centerpiece of the wall in our living room.

I insist on putting it up when we have friends and family around but you have to understand this is in a self-mocking postmodern ironic style and definitely not a vanity thing.

It collects dust now behind the sofa and whenever it comes out I get a look as if to say put that up and

I will surgically remove your cornballs.

Please will you tell my fiance that this is a healthy and perfectly fine object to display in the living room to settle all future disputes.

We're getting married in two weeks.

This needs to be settled before the marriage can take place in my opinion.

Love you.

Bye.

I mean he's got a giant poster of himself.

That's surely you're allowed that.

in their front room.

I would allow that.

Not everybody has a giant poster of themselves.

Well, exactly.

So there you go.

We've decreed that he's right.

He's allowed to have it.

You know, come and talk to me about savings.

Certainly I will.

I mean, that's great.

Okay?

So I would say to your soon-to-be lady wife, Andy, DEAL WITH IT!

Let's have a record.

We might do some more after this record.

Let's have some music.

Yeah, this is Coldplay.

I don't know if you've heard of them.

No?

They're a new band.

They're very exciting and they play very edgy kind of thrash and thrash metal.

I don't think I'm going to like it.

Well, I think it's a fun sound.

Every teardrop is a waterfall.

Coldplay, every teardrop is a waterfall.

You can listen again to Will Champion from Coldplay, who was on Steve LaMax Wednesday's show here on Six Music.

They were talking about the band's love of Glastonbury, which is good because they're playing there next weekend.

So, you know, if they were talking about how much they loathed Glastonbury and everything about it and how uncomfortable it was and miserable, would be a bit of a drag before they headlined there, don't you think?

Yes.

What's the weather going to be like, James?

Good.

Do you reckon?

I heard changeable.

Tuesday gets better.

Oh, this week.

Right, not the week after.

Changeable.

Well, it's always changeable.

There's going to be a few spits and spots and showers.

Showers and flowers.

But it's not going to be the heatwave that it was last year, I guess.

But as long as it's not a deluge, a loathe of deluge.

Hey, should we pop back into retrotexanation just for a little bit?

We got a couple of goodies.

Some of my favourites are people who have huge, awful objects in their houses that their partners can't live with.

For instance, David, he sent us a picture of his barbecue.

And to describe his barbecue, he's got kind of fake skulls, human skulls.

Plaster skulls.

He's piled them up as if some terrible atrocity has happened and poured concrete over them, very thick concrete.

It's a sort of a goth barbecue.

Yes.

Almost like a sacrificial altar.

It's a little like something they would have had in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Yes.

And David says, Dear Adam and Joe, here's a picture of my barbecue.

It's made of human skulls, spelt S-C-U-L-L-S, brackets, not real.

My wife doesn't really like it.

I made it while she was away.

It's made of concrete.

It's totally indestructible and immovable.

And we don't have friends around for barbecues anymore.

I love you.

David, kiss, kiss, kiss.

Oh, imagine the surprise his wife got when she...

I think that's the key is if you're going to have a controversial object in your house, install it while your partner's away and pour concrete over it.

Yeah.

Make sure it's fused to the ground with thick concrete.

Do you think that when she got back he immediately said, hey, come look at this?

Or do you think he thought, I'm going to be in trouble.

I won't mention it just yet.

I'll wait for her to find it.

I mean, either way, it would have gone badly.

I'd like to go for a barbecue at David's house.

Imagine the nudity.

It would be good if he did the barbecue sort of stripped to the waist with his body oiled.

You know what I mean?

A bit like the guy in the pirate anti-piracy commercial.

Yes.

Who's in his...

Yeah, and once you'd had your allocated hot dog, you would be branded with a small symbol on your forehead.

Yeah.

So you couldn't have seconds.

That's right.

We got a message from Emma Bromley.

She says, Dear Adam and Joe, keeping it straight and formal.

Good.

Yeah.

Every now and again, that's nice.

Just refreshing, refreshing and respectful.

A few years ago, my husband got drunk and bought a three foot high stuffed beaver, which now stands in our front room.

Now you can look at this.

You can look at our beaver on Twitter at BBC Adam and Joe is our Twitter address.

She continues, I have tolerated it for a number of years, but now we have children, I feel it has become a bit of a health hazard, especially the pointy claws that are just about toddler eye height.

I'm formulating a plan to banish it to the loft, where it'll join the set of Queen Russian Dolls.

That is the band, Queen.

Set of Russian Dolls of Queen.

Goodness sake.

The enormous letter M from a shop front, which is also up there, and the framed signed photograph from Nigel from EastEnders, which mysteriously never got unpacked when we moved houses.

Kisses, Emma Bromley.

And she says, by the way, the beaver cost 1,000 pounds.

Wow.

You have got to be steamed out of your mind to pay 1,000 pounds, pines, for a big stuffed beaver, surely.

And they've got a little fez on there as well, a nice little hat on the beaver.

But as I say, you can check out a photograph of the beaver in its full glory on our Twitter.

I can see what's being said there.

You don't want a stuffed creature with very sharp claws at toddler eye height.

No.

Do you really?

Absolutely not.

I mean, that's asking for trouble.

Sure it is.

But at the same time, it is wearing a fez.

Yeah.

So I can see the quandary.

It's a fun, it's a little fun fella with a face.

It's a fun fella.

Bit of dangerous edgy fun around the house.

Keep you on your toes.

Anyway, thanks a lot for all your messages there.

We might unpack a new Texanation basket later on in the program, but for now, is this your free play, Joseph Cornish?

What is it?

Bit of Fine Young Cannibals.

Yeah, this is the Fine Young Cannibals.

This is called Good Thing.

Pushing out into new sonic territory.

That's the white stripes.

Adam and Joe here on BBC6 music.

Hey, how you doing, listeners?

Here's a message from David Doll.

We had a couple of messages on this subject.

Also got a message from Chris.

Thanks for that, Chris.

But I'm going to read out David's message.

Dear buckwheat and cornucopy balls,

I was recently sitting down catching up on my podcasts and started listening to the Desert Island Discs Your Desert Island Discs special.

It went out on Saturday the 11th of June last weekend.

It was a very enjoyable and only slightly tedious rundown of listeners favorite discs for nearly two hours.

Special studio guests were Miranda Sawyer, Paul Gambaccinoide, he says, and Howard Goodall.

During the opening preamble, Howard and Gambo talk about their Beatles choices.

Listen carefully, or not so carefully, to this clip where Gambo seems to vent his opinion of Howard's Beatles choice with a clearly audible airborne toxic event.

It must be Gambo, he says, as it comes from the left speaker where Gambo is positioned.

In case you hadn't...

In case you can't find said podcast, I've sent you a clip, Dirty Gambo, he says.

Thanks very much, David Dole.

Now, I immediately heard this clip.

It is a very audible Airborne Toxic event, and the first thing I did was go and verify it, listen to the podcast, and make sure that it was actually the show that was broadcast and not just a noise that he'd stuck in for his own amusement.

Have a listen to this clip.

Because John Peel had said that he knew he'd met the right woman when she said her favorite track off Revolver was and your bird can sing and I thought a lovely thought and it Cheers me up, but now I would just say hey Jude

After all that.

Howard, you chose a Beatles track.

You chose We Can Work It Out.

Yes, I chose that because it's one of those tracks that Lennon and McCartney truly wrote together, which is quite rare, in fact, in the Beatles catalogue.

And because the idea of working it out seemed very British.

Yeah.

So that's quite a loud, toxic event, isn't it?

And I've done nothing to that clip.

I haven't like beefed up the sound of that or anything.

That is how it was broadcast at 100%.

Creaky chair.

Have a little listen, because we got in touch with Miranda Sawyer, who was on the show, and she doesn't remember it happening.

So people in the studio weren't aware of it at the time.

Sarah Taylor, who is the Desert Island Discs producer, says, I am 100% convinced the sound, rather than being from a bottom, is in fact a mouth snort from Paul Gambaccini.

Gambaccini mouth snort.

So that's what Sarah is going for.

Let's listen again.

Let's have another little listen.

It's one of those tracks that Lennon and McCartney truly wrote together, which is quite rare.

That's not a mouth snort.

That is no way a mouth snort.

Now I was listening to the panning though and this is like the Patterson footage of Bigfoot.

You've got to try and replicate it.

Or the Zapruder footage.

Isn't it?

I'm thinking the only possible explanation is maybe a fifth farter.

You know?

On the grassy knoll.

Yeah, I mean, it's very loud, which is, you know, I kind of think that's a bit anomalous.

Why is it so loud if it's as, you know, further away from the mic as the posterior is?

This is exactly what the Desert Island Discs team was saying.

You know, they were saying, well, it's not going to be a nether region's toxic event because there's no mics down there.

So how are you going to get that?

Could be a mic stand?

No, no.

One more listen, James.

That is not a mic stand.

That is no way a mic stand.

That is one of those tracks that Lennon and McCartney truly wrote together, which is quite rare.

I mean, wow, that's terrible though, because that was a big show, it was the big anniversary show, wasn't it?

And it's an important show, how could that be?

Yeah.

I mean, that, do you think, is that Gampagini?

Wow, I think we should give that footage to Monster Quest, Monster Fart Quest, or Unexplained Fart Stories.

I think Oliver Stone is making a film about it.

Is he?

Yeah, trying to figure out who it was.

His theory is that it's a fifth father, but um a lot of people think it's gambo.

Yeah I just don't think gambo is too professional for that kind of thing I mean there is a chance that it was just some crazy what it is I think they they were all laughing a bit earlier weren't there and that they became relaxed Yeah, everyone was a bit too relaxed, and you know yeah, just the inevitable toxic event time

Okay, here's a bit some music is it a bit.

Yeah.

Good.

What is it?

It's delight.

And I just want to go back and erase that little introduction I just did there.

Here's a bit it's a bit and now I'm making it worse by talking about it.

This is groove is in the heart.

somewhere I've got a video of us dancing around like buffoons to that myself Joe and Louis a young Louis Theroux when we were age 20 something like that something like that a long time ago 1990 or something I would put it on YouTube but I think it would make my run into problems with the music you know

Yeah.

Well, I'm just a little distracted because we're getting lots of texts about the airborne toxic event.

Sure.

What kind of theories are circulating there?

Uh, Steven Chicken says it's definitely a mouth noise.

No.

You need to get a bit of nasal phlegminess onto it too, though.

I'm also sure it's on the inhale, not the exhale.

Therefore, I believe he's clearing his nose by sucking the smog down the back of his throat.

No.

It's nothing like that.

Can we have a quick listen?

It's one of those tracks that Lennon and McCartney truly wrote together, which is quite rare.

That would have to be a full-on raspberry, which would be a very immature thing to do during such a stately and important programme.

I think we need, if you're a sound scientist, I know we have many sonic scientists listening to this show, do a kind of Oliver Stone-stroke John Travolta in Blowout.

suggests Gary.

Do an analysis of it and see if you can figure out what it is, slow it down, examine the waveform, compare it to other famous toxic events from history.

We were thinking possibly if they have leather seats in the studio and one of the guests, maybe Goodall's got his leather trousers on or his leather

Yeah, well, we were picturing Gambo maybe in a kind of a faux leather flight jacket.

Yeah.

But we can find it.

Well, we're going to find out what the seats are made of in that studio.

This is a very important thing that's happening here.

You know, somebody... It's an important program.

It's a very important program.

That's more or less the flagship show.

It's the founding stone of the BBC and someone has ridiculed it and compromised it.

Therefore, they must be brought to justice.

And we are relying on you, our listenership, to help us get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

So listen, folks, I think it's time we had some eggcorns, don't you?

Because people continue to send these in to the extent that I have created a new jingle.

That's always a fun.

thing isn't it because it officially becomes a segment even though this is our last studio bound show for this current run of the program we're going to be in Glastonbury next weekend of course I thought it would be nice to get this in here to make an official eggcorn compartment so here we go with the new jingle

Somebody's been eardropping on me And now I'm suffering their strings and arrows, can't you see?

I was standing on the curve like a jester of goodwill But now I'm curled up in the feeble position still Cause of my M E R D C O R D S When it comes to acorn business I'm like Farmer Heck in Christmas The boss will call the kettle back Cause it's an acorn attack

got some eggcorns incorporated in the lyrics there.

And you remember we were talking about scary guttural voices last week, and I was sort of speculating as to where that started.

We got a message from Olly and Jessamine, aka Oggs and Pod, HiJoe90 and Buxton,

A good friend of mine and brilliant musician, Justin K. Broderick, original founder of Napalm Death and now J's U slash Godflesh, was one of the first people to sing in that scary demonic crazed voice.

It's widely considered that he actually invented it.

I'm sure that's a controversial point of view and we'll get loads of messages going, no, actually it was Gary Grunty.

They won't be in that voice though, might be.

Anyway, he says, hope to...

I think you're fine.

I invented that voice.

Thanks very much, Ollie and Jessamine.

So yeah, eggcorns.

We got a few of these through this week.

Here's one to kick things off from Paolo in London's Cruel Centre.

He says, fellow boys,

Whilst working at the Royal Festival Hall at the turn of the millennium, I had a bar manager who used an incredible array of language, a kind of grab bag of phrases that he never quite mastered nor understood.

One day he asked me where I'd left the tubs of ice cream that we used to sell at the intervals.

I said they were on the top level, in the fridge.

He went all the way to the top floor to retrieve them.

Only then did I realize I had the key to the fridge.

He returned after about five minutes

so vast is that huge building it takes ages to get around and he was absolutely fuming he shouted you deliberately sent me on a wild goof trek i now use that term exclusively in place of the original it's so much better the same manager also used to shout flaming laura whenever he was upset you've sent me on a wild goof trek

Flaming Laura!

Oh, Flaming Laura!

He's brilliant!

Here's one from a chap called Nick Cheese.

I don't think his surname is Cheese, I think he just works in some sort of cheese-related business.

A friend of mine recently said, when walking into our messy office... Oh, looks like a bombsy tit!

Looks like a bombsy tit.

To which we all fell about laughing.

He said that was what his mum always used to say about his bedroom.

And then we got another email, slightly later, from Sean Buckley.

Which says, darlings... nah, not gonna read that.

Cause it calls us quite rude names.

It says, throughout my childhood, my mum used to tell me that my room looked like... a bombersitit.

Then, when I was about 12, she said, your room looks like a bomb has hit it.

And that was that.

So maybe that's the same guy.

So he thought that there was an actual thing called a bombersitit.

Bombersitit, yes.

And then the other one is bombsitit.

I don't know quite what's going on there, listeners.

I'll leave you to figure that out.

Your room looks like a bomber's it is.

No, it's not.

It's a bombsy tit.

I don't know why I read that in an Australian essence as well.

A bombsy tit sounds like something they might have.

I don't know, a crashed, an old crashed airplane.

Oh mate, look at your bombsy tit.

That's nice.

It said a new one!

Here's a message from Jez, Jeremy, that is, a mailman from Black Squadron in Bristol, and he says, dear old dirty buckle and jaycorn, whilst out walking with my girlfriend Tess the other day, we passed a man, at which point I said, ooh, I think that was Terry Nutkins, at which point she asked me, the one from the Beatrix Potter books.

um real at realizing what she'd said she then laughed for 10 minutes and then when she could catch her breath she said i mean lord of the rings love you bye what terry nutkins from so he says i think that was terry nutkins and she goes what the one from the beatrix potter books and then she goes i mean lord of the rings yes

What's he called, Nutkins?

There is a Nutkins character in... he's not called Terry, is he?

Squirrel Nutkins.

Is Squirrel Nutkins in Lord of the Rings?

Nah.

You sure?

He might be in one of those crowd scenes at the back.

Terry Nutkins might be in the back there as far as I know.

I've got a whole list of quickfire ones here.

This is a nice little list that's been sent in by Matt.

He's a bloke man.

And Matt says, A&J, over the years I've documented the spoonerisms, malapropisms, and faux pas of a chap in my office.

Here is a very brief selection.

You've completely missed the wrong end of the stick.

If push comes to crunch, I couldn't see the trees for looking.

You need to make a stance.

Don't jump your horses.

I like that one.

That one could be good.

That could actually go into circulation.

It's time to put the foot to the metal.

Let's get the ball moving.

And we can't argue pedantics all day.

Ooh.

Why not?

I love arguing pedantics.

Oh, we can't argue pedantics all day, so don't jump your horses and get your foot to the metal.

Thanks very much there.

That's Matt.

You got any more there, Jay Corn?

Yeah, I do.

Do you want to hear them?

Yeah, go on then.

Although that's... That's...

female man from Brighton mmm nice my favorite kind of man that is why Snoop called his album doggy dog world though isn't it maybe that was that pun finally for me else hey else he's a regular communicator with the show he's a he chap says he just communicates a little conversation that took place with his mate and his mates girlfriend which do you prefer red wine or white wine well that's a real bowl of contention

Now that's weird, because we just had a text in that said exactly the same one.

I wonder if it's the same person.

That's got to be a common one though, isn't it?

Pete, says Pete.

A guy I work with regularly uses the phrase a bowl of contention instead of bone.

Yeah.

Says Pete.

That is a real bowl of contention.

It's a common one, mate.

Oh mate, you've got a massive bowl of contention.

Can I have some of that?

No, it's mine!

OK, here's a bit of music right now, so there you go, that's Eggcorns for this week, alright?

You can contribute to Eggcorns too, the text number is 64046 but it's best done via email adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk Here's Sleigh Bells, this is Real Real.

There you go.

They're from Brooklyn in New York City.

That's Sleigh Bells with Rill Rill out next week.

27th of June, their debut album Treats is out now.

Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

I've got a free play coming up and I was listening a while back to one of Mark Riley's excellent shows and I know that he's quite a massive Deep Purple fan.

Do you ever get into the perps, Joe?

No, I've never really got into the perps.

I mean the perps are one of those kind of big clownish heavy metal bands, well legendary obviously, and the thing is that Much Spinal Tap Folklore is based, or rather Much Spinal Tap is based on kind of Deep Purple Folklore, the whole Stonehenge thing is a perps thing.

And I've had Deep Purple's greatest hits in my CD collection for years and years and years and years.

I got it because of the track Burn, which I absolutely love.

My friend Tom Hardiman got me into that.

Thanks Tom!

But here's another track that I discovered via one of Mark Riley's shows and I thought, wow, this is amazing!

Check out the organ solo in this.

I think it's from 1972 from their album Fireball.

This is Deep Purple.

from 1972 that's amazing deep purple with fireball check out that organ sound some particularly powerful tambourine going on there as well it's great i owe that to mark riley here for turning me on to that he's back on air from seven on monday here on bbc6 music this is adam and joe though uh it's 11 30 just gone 11 30 and it's time for the news

That's the Gorillas with On Melancholy Hill, Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.

Hey, how you doing?

Now the other day, I was out in the Jardin de Max Factor.

Oh yeah?

And there's a lot of, you know, nettles.

They're a problem in the countryside, in the English countryside.

Man.

They're very prolific.

They are prolific as all heckins.

And it only takes a couple of weeks for them to decide that it's time for them to go all prolific on your ass.

You know, literally one week there'll be nothing there and the winter will be finally put to bed and the spring comes around and then suddenly it gets a tiny bit warmer.

Nettles!

Yes.

They're the scourge, aren't they?

They're there to teach children that nature is dangerous.

What the heck is the point of the nettle?

Just what I said.

To teach children that nature is dangerous?

Yeah, they're sort of harmless.

That's what you're saying, is it?

Yeah, they're a kind of... it's like the thin end of the lethal nature wedge.

Right, okay.

You know Hertzog could do a documentary on nettles.

Nettles.

They're evil the most evil.

They want to kill you.

They revel in murder.

I was trying to clear away and I got obsessed with the idea of combating the nettle scourge, right?

Because... Right, trying to clean them out.

Yeah, there was one area that's totally, we had it as a nice little bonfire area and we had some big logs that were out there, like half the logs.

I bet you did.

And we were sat out there, just a few weeks ago, me and my brother and my dad were sat out there like mountain men sharing... The nettles hated you

sharing tall tales they were lurking in the weeds watching you whispering as soon as you went indoors they started growing up now they're like waist height now i mean they're absolutely they're furious with the thing about the nettles is that if you have the protective clothing yes and the correct gloves you can uproot them very satisfyingly easily like you pop them out and all their roots come out and you're like yeah they have poisonous hairs

They do.

They're like a man with a, they're like a hair, a hirsute man with poisonous hairs.

Don't you mean hirsute?

Oh damn it.

I got it so wrong I got it right.

They are hirsute.

They're deadly hirsute.

How do they work?

Let's see.

They have hollow stinging hairs.

Correct.

Called trichomes.

Trichomes, that's right.

on their leaves and stems which act like hypodermic needles that inject histamine and other chemicals that produce a stinging sensation.

They act like hypodermic needles.

They're suggesting they penetrate the skin.

Correct.

I thought they just brushed against it.

No, penetrate skin.

Do they?

Like hypodermic needle.

Really?

Yes, they go into your skin.

OMG.

And that is why, you know, and here's some top tips for what to do.

I went and searched for how to avoid being stung by a nettle or dealing with nettle stings.

First top tip on WikiHow was move away from the nettles to a nearby area to prevent being stung again.

What's that?

Don't go so close to the nettles.

My technique is usually to press my face into the nettle.

Well, that's why I've been going... Yeah, exactly.

I've been wandering around with my shorts on.

Don't do that.

Go to somewhere where there are no nettles.

Top tip.

Good tip.

A more practical tip.

Pour a small amount of water on the ground, only enough to create mud, and apply the mud to the sting.

I thought you were going to say scorn.

Pour a small amount of scorn on the nettles.

I don't think scorn works on nettles.

Really?

It's one of the only things that scorn doesn't actually have any... What was the piece on?

Pour some water on the ground to create some mud, and then apply mud to the sting.

Wait for it to dry, then brush it off.

What about this?

It will remove the stingers with it, you see.

This seems very long-winded.

I thought, isn't there a thing where if you just grab a nettle with confidence, and gusto, it won't sting you?

You psych the nettle out.

Yeah well presumably, if we are thinking of it in terms of these little hypodermic needles, presumably you're sort of deflecting them, you're not allowing them to penetrate your skin.

If you meet them with equal and greater force.

Yes.

You bend the needle.

You're just sort of bashing the needle.

Right.

Final top tip, apply adhesive tape to the infected area, then remove.

Most of the stinging hairs will be pulled out of the skin.

It's all about removing these stingers.

So the nettle, they stay in your skin?

They stay in the skin.

Who knew?

Who the heck knew about that?

What wasn't I told about this thing is in the skin?

Why now?

So the other day I was combating the nettles and I had a lot of protective gear on, but I got so obsessed with winning that I started, I started getting stung quite badly more and more and more.

And then I was just, I'm going to kill you, hecking nettles.

And in the end I came out and my arms were just ballooned, red, covered in horrible sort of pockmarks, stings.

Were your arms bare?

Were they nude?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, that was a mistake, mate.

I put goblets on.

But what about dock leaves?

We should mention dock leaves as well.

Sure.

Because nature slaps and strokes.

Exactly.

It slaps you with the stingers and then it strokes you with the dock leaves.

And they always grow nearby.

It's so weird then.

It's very balanced.

Isn't it?

What's nature thinking?

What is nature thinking?

just to give you a little smack and then yeah there's a dog leave there stop complaining I've done a little song about nettles have you yeah in the style of my well I've done it you're not gonna play it are you yes you bought it in it's short yeah I do this thing country man and which is on I've given it a plug before on the show hope you don't mind if I do again it's on the BBC's comedy website and sometimes my youtube channel subscribe why not sorry it's not a money-making venture I'm not violating any rules this is my song about nettles

The sting is an integral part.

Nettles also like a band for police.

Stuart Crook and his band, they're dramas.

Nettles also like a band for police.

They're blooming news in anti-summers.

Nettles also like a band for police.

They recently reformed and reopened.

I didn't say it was good.

It was good.

It was very good.

I just said it was about nettles.

Right.

So can we can we kind of weave some kind of text the nation into this like a battles with nature somehow you know nature nightmares.

nature nightmares we'll have to have a little think about that war with nature can we can we have a record and think about it you're not letting us have a record this is arcade fire we're speaking in tongues

Good stuff, well done, Arcade Fire with Speaking in Tongues.

So I think we're gonna fire off the Text-A-Nation jingle and just very briefly set out our stall, why the heck not?

Here it is.

Text-A-Nation!

Text!

Text-A-Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-A-Nation!

But I'm using email, is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, Text!

So you boiled it down there to what?

Nature war.

So times when you go for a wonderful walk or a ramble or a frolic in nature, in God's garden, with a big smile on your face, you go gambling and skipping into some natural area and then something

rears its ugly head to tell you to get out nature pops up and slaps you right in the yeah it's off um for nasty things like for yes we are yeah a little bit no I'm there so what else like well they I mean it doesn't have to be you've gone out rambling it just any kind of skirmish scuffle that you've had with nature because do you ever listen to gardeners question time sometimes a little bit oh you know only when things go wrong that's how I listen to it

Sometimes you're trapped with it.

I mean, obviously I know it's a great show.

It's a great show, no disrespect, but we're not mutually interested in gardening that much.

I listen to it long enough to realise what it is.

It's not my preferred show.

I'm not so mad, keen a gardener that I really absolutely have to listen to it.

So when it comes on and there's absolutely nothing else on and it's... But it's a fantastic show and we wouldn't want to undermine its legacy.

Obviously, never want to undermine the legacy of the gardeners question time.

But oh, boy, it goes on and on and on.

And they my favorite part of it, though, when I start perking up and thinking, hey, this is a bit more fun is when people have questions about unruly plants and when the roots go crazy and go underneath people's fences and stuff.

And how do I unroot this back?

You know, when nature goes absolutely nuts on your ass.

Yeah.

That's a good subject.

Nature war.

Yeah.

Nature war.

Get those messages coming in, you know?

Yeah.

Any, any kind of battles you've had with nature.

All right.

Text is 64046.

Email is Adam and Joe dot six music.

We're not talking about animals though, are we?

What?

We're not talking about animals though.

Our plants.

We're talking about the natural kingdom.

Plants and insects.

Are we talking about insects?

You're talking about plants.

You're talking about mainly plants, I would say.

Because animals and insects come under the subheading of nature.

They do, don't they?

They do.

So are you talking about plant war, specifically, like trifid encounters?

What do you think?

Or what's the plant from Little Shop of Horace called?

It's a lady's name.

Daphne or something.

That kind of thing.

Probably on the spot.

That kind of thing.

What, the plant from Little Shop of Horrors?

Yeah.

Have you battled with fictional deadly plants?

Is that a explanation?

Yes, that would be good for me.

I'd like that.

Nature War!

Interpret it how you wish.

There you go.

Free play.

I saw a couple of sneaky peek films this week.

Did you?

I saw a terrifying film called Kill List.

Kill List, what's that?

Directed by Ben Wheatley.

Oh yeah.

It was terrifying.

Was it?

And very violent.

But very brilliant.

Yeah.

It was a sneaky peek.

I recommend it.

Good old week.

Very scary.

I also saw a film directed by Dexter Fletcher, who I met this week.

Yeah.

It was quite exciting to meet Dexter Fletcher.

Sure.

Quite exciting.

Very exciting.

Yeah.

I followed his career since Bugsy Malone.

Absolutely.

I was in a film with him.

Were you?

Yeah.

Were you?

Of course.

And he's directed a film called Wild Bill.

It's very good.

It stars Charlie Creed Miles.

It's a sort of a sort of an urban Western.

Yeah.

It was ruddy good and it had some great music on it, including this track that I haven't heard for yonks.

This is Aaron Neville with Hercules.

Wow.

That sounds like a 90s record.

Is that a new record or an old record?

That's from their 1999 album Vertigo.

So it's the end of the 90s.

That track was featured in which amazing films, Joe Cornish?

Oh, amazing films.

Two of the best films ever made.

Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's 2.

Oh, very close.

Very close, mate.

What?

It's a Sandra Bullock's film.

Oh, The Net.

I mean, that is the most amazing film ever made.

There's so many amazing films to choose from when you get to Bullock's.

Okay, Miss Congeniality's one and two.

Yes, Bongo!

That track popped up in Miss Congeniality.

The film's so good they made it again and then turned it into a stage show as well, didn't they?

Hooray!

That would be a good text of the nation, like big West End versions of stupid films.

Because that's all the rage, isn't it?

There's a Shrek one.

There's a private function one.

That's supposed to be very good, the private function one.

Richard Blackwood is in Shrek, playing the Eddie Murphy part.

Good for him.

He's finally achieved... What's going on?

There's noises.

We are entering the new.

We have successfully passed through the new barrier.

Wow, ever since we challenged James to put the noon barrier in the very centre of the podcast last week, which he did, amazingly, he's taking his responsibility very seriously.

Sure he is.

I couldn't work out what was happening.

I was like, Jesus lost his mind.

But yes, the other film of course was, I say of course, gone in 60 seconds.

Of course.

I mean that is a film, isn't it?

That's a film.

It's an actual film.

It's a film.

So listen, I went to see a magic show this week.

Did you?

I went to see Derren Brown's Svengali.

Yes, I saw that a few months back in Norwich.

You did, didn't you?

Yeah, I loved it.

And then you had the man himself round to your house for tea, isn't that right?

How do you know that?

Because someone told me, you told me.

That's exciting, I'm jealous.

But I went to see his show and the problem with going to see the Derren Brown show Svengali is one cannot say anything about it.

No, Derren is very explicit and asks politely at the beginning of the show for people not to talk about it afterwards.

One is sworn to secrecy and I'm going to respect that, swearings.

So not so good for a radio chat.

Not so good for radio chat but I was there with television documentarian Louis Theroux and he enjoyed it.

Was that the name drop voice?

Yeah.

And he enjoyed it very much and we were chatting afterwards but I noticed something that he, that Louis, he wouldn't let go.

He just wanted to know how everything was done.

He had to know how it was all done and he looked, he had that look on his face when confronted by a particularly intransigent racist for instance.

Like, what?

I have to get to that.

What is your problem?

I have to get to the bottom of this.

He would not let it go.

Yeah.

And so we spent a long time trying to dissect how the tricks were done.

But, you know, I used to be a very bad magician as a teenager.

I used to make money by doing magic at children's parties.

Majiko was amazing.

Let me tell you, listen to this.

I've seen him actually.

I'm doing myself down.

But there's no way, you know, I don't know how Darren does a lot of it, but I've reached a point where having read a bit about magic, I know that that's, you know, that's not the most rewarding path to follow.

No, because the truth is always far more banal than... Well, plus the truth is it's magic.

You know, and he has creepy psychic powers.

That is true, isn't it?

And so you don't want to mess with it.

You don't want to go too close to it because it's dangerous.

You should just assume that it's magic and enjoy the effect.

Like, this guy is psychic.

He can read minds.

He can guess the numbers and things and what one is the one with the bullet in it and stuff.

He can do all that.

So the thing to enjoy is the effect that he produces with that skill.

Yes.

And how he dramatizes it and stages it.

It's a compulsion of feeling that I think a lot of people have when they come out of that show.

I just need to know how that was done otherwise it's going to blow my mind.

But you can pretty much divide people down the middle with people who will just enjoy the moment and people who have to know.

I even experienced that as a young rubbish magician, as Mr. Majiko.

You used to get kids at parties who did not enjoy the spectacle.

It made them angry.

It sort of confronted them.

They just couldn't handle the fact that they weren't being told a secret.

I've talked about this before on the radio, but the same thing happened with us.

Do you not remember that hot night?

when we were revising for our History O levels.

Oh, you couldn't let go.

And I couldn't let go, because you did a thing with, um, spongy red balls.

And I was like, yeah, that was good, Mr. Majiko, how did you do it?

He's like, nah, I didn't tell you.

I was like, come on, just tell me.

Nah, I didn't tell you.

Like, seriously, tell me how you did it with a spongy ball.

Nah, I didn't tell you.

So how would you distinguish those people?

Is it like, it's like concrete thinking versus plastic thinking?

Does that exist?

Yeah.

And you're a concrete one.

I'm a concrete one.

Maybe, yeah, a literal minded person.

Perhaps I'm very literal minded.

I can't speak for Louis.

But I was able to ride out my, you know, determination to find out how it was all done.

You know, because Darren was saying some people go online and they collude with each other to kind of establish... Silly business, silly business.

It's magic and you should just enjoy it.

Yeah.

I enjoyed it.

I thought it was a fantastic show.

It is.

It was wicked.

It is literally wicked.

It's got a devil's tail on the pasta.

It's evolved with a devil on the pasta.

It's scary.

Yeah, it's great.

That's the end of that though.

Do check it out if you get the chance to.

It's very good.

Here's the Rolling Stones.

Have you seen your mother baby standing in the shadows?

I have.

If Coldplay don't play that at Glastonbury, I'm going to be very, very angry.

What, your jingle?

Yeah.

Right, OK.

Come on, Chris Martin, because that is a classic song.

Absolutely.

Well, why would they do that and not the retro text the nation jingle?

What sort of a noise is that?

Dismissive.

It's a very stupid noise.

It's a very stupid, stupid disrespectful noise.

Next you'll be farting during the desert island disc special.

I wouldn't be that disrespectful.

How dare you insult the legacy?

How dare you?

Here is a message from Peter from Bournemouth.

Actually, no, sorry.

It is Stephen Paul Shepardson.

I'll get to you later, Peter.

He says, dear Bucks,

Adamton and Corjonish.

What do you think about this?

About the name-mangling?

Yeah.

Look at this.

It's good.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

I'm happy with it.

Never the same one twice.

Lots of cornucopias.

But anyway, Bucks, Adam Anton and Joe Corjonish.

He's done a bit of spoonerizing.

I was recently on an airplane with my lovely wife, reluctantly returning home from a wonderful holiday.

I'd been given an aisle seat, which was fine by me.

I thought I could still glance across out of the window and watch the clouds float by.

However, every time I turned my head, the man next to me was leaning over with his nose pressed against the little window, totally obscuring it.

All I could see was the large lump of brill cream congealed on the back portion of his hair.

At the time, this infuriated me, as the little joy a flight has to offer was totally lost.

Now was he being selfish or does the owner of the window seat automatically have full window rights?

What are your valued opinions?

Stephen is saying that this person, the passenger next to him, blocked the window for the whole journey.

Yeah the window seat and his face was mashed right up against it staring down at the clouds there.

Really?

So what do you do about that?

Is that on?

Are you within your rights to say, excuse me, could I have a little bit of window time?

I mean, I know I'm on the aisle, but still.

It depends if the captain announces that there's an extraordinary view.

Ladies and gentlemen, you might like to know that we're flying over the Grand Canyon, a spectacular view of the Grand Canyon outside the right hand windows of the plane.

Immediately everybody jumps up.

The plane tips to the right because all the weight's gone over to the right.

That happened when I was on the plane the other week.

Did it?

Yeah, and I was very good.

I sat back, I had a little look, then I sat back in my seat and let everyone else peer.

You've got to share the view.

Sure.

But I think maybe that man was having psychological problems if he spent the entire flight staring at clouds.

And I think that, who is it, Steve?

Steve.

Should be a little more empathic towards this person's mental state.

Because Steve is on the aisle, am I right?

So he has access to the larvae.

He has first dibs on the fun trolley.

You shouldn't ruin your entire flight if you can't look out the window.

I mean, maybe the guy as well was staring at some kind of gremlin ripping out, you know, engines.

Exactly.

On the wing.

Yeah, that could have been... Twilight Zone style.

So yeah, I think if you haven't got the window seat, tough luck buster.

Tough luck buster.

Alright.

Decision made.

It's gone against the correspondent for once.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Tough love.

Here's a message we got from... Oh, this is very long, but it's quite good.

Rob Ryan.

Dear Adam and Joe, for my birthday, my wife Lorna bought me a pair of these really expensive

noise reducing headphones.

I was making a journey from London to Leeds in first class, thinking to myself I'd have a nice time doing stuff on my laptop, listening to some music with my cool new headphones.

Doesn't get better than that.

So far so good, I was really enjoying the coffee and biscuits when I felt that I might possibly need to fart.

Now, I have to explain to listeners that this is quite a fart-based piece of correspondence, so if you find that unsettling or unclean, you might like to look away.

There will be quite detailed mention of farting coming up.

To continue the letter.

Airborne toxic events is the proper technical term.

I'll use that.

At this point, I should explain that I'm 48 years old, and since hitting 40, my need to unleash airborne toxic events has reached endemic proportions.

I have no idea that my middle-aged years would be so gassy.

Basically, I fart all day long.

Anyway, the seat was nice and soft for good sound absorption, so I thought I might just ease a little silent one out and get away with it.

Success!

20 minutes later, the need came again.

Could I risk it twice?

I did!

I succeeded.

The journey continued pretty much in this vein, farting silently every 10 minutes, until about five minutes from reaching my destination, I started packing my stuff away, took off my headphones.

Just before we reached the station, I felt the need to do it again.

No problem, I thought.

These luxuriously soft first-class leather seats

are perfectly designed to muffle any rear-end noises.

And adopting the same technique again, I very gently released a toxic event.

The rasping noise that issued was deafening.

I'd forgotten I was wearing my noise excluding headphones.

I'd been letting off explosive guffs all the way from London to Yorkshire whilst merrily grooving and nodding along to my music.

Classy.

My fellow passengers looked up at me with a contempt reserved only for the type of imposter who thinks that he can travel first-class and fart continuously throughout a two-hour journey.

What a monster.

Yours, Rob Ryan.

Rob, sort your life out.

We've all been there, have we?

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't.

But you've been there.

I mean, I may have been there on a plane, but fingers crossed the noise is on the noise of the air system on a plane and everyone's got their headphones on.

Absolutely.

Oh, you can go for your life with an immunity.

That's chilling.

That is chilling.

A similar thing happened to me the other day when I was riding in what I thought was an empty carriage and I had a luxuriant explosive toxic event.

and um looked behind me when I got up to leave and there was a lady sat right behind me looking at me with a revulsion thank you Rob Ryan uh he also says PS my favorite part of the show is when you talk Australian mate I love that mate I think he's the only one I've got a special treat for you now then mate

Because this is from Tom LeMesurier, a mailman from Winchester, but living in... John LeMesurier?

Uh, Tom.

Let's pretend it's John.

Okay.

Uh, isn't that cool though?

He's living in Rio!

He's probably in a carnival right now!

Salsa!

Dear belt buckle and corn cakes, this happened a few years ago.

I was on a very busy commuter train heading out of London at the end of a long day at work.

There was no air conditioning, and a lot of people were having to stand as the train was so overcrowded.

A middle-aged guy in a suit started writing a text on his phone, but he had the keytones on, so every single key press he made was accompanied by a beep!

sound.

We were all putting up with it in what I think is probably a very English manner, i.e.

hating him but too scared to say anything.

Suddenly, an Australian guy said to him, Hey!

I've had a long day at work listening to phones and computers and people talking.

Turn that phone off!

Well, perhaps you can imagine the entire carriage went silent to see what would happen next.

The guy with the phone stammered, OK, OK, well, I'm just going to finish this message.

But the Aussie guy said, no, if I hear another noise from that phone, I'm going to take it and throw it out the window.

There was a stunned silence.

The aggressive Aussie had scared the bejesus out of everyone.

He had broken the passive-aggressive rules in a very weird way.

And in a very weird way, I ended up feeling almost sorry for the texter.

OK, love you, bye, says Tom Le Meuray.

So the Aussie guy took control.

Wow.

How would you feel?

Would you be pro-Aussie in that situation?

I don't really know to be perfectly honest I mean in a in a dangerous situation where the Aussie maybe had to rescue somebody then maybe you would you know that would be the right thing to do to take command like that but I don't know I think that's crossing a line is it isn't it it's aggressive isn't it I mean he has authority because he's Australian yeah a certain cultural superiority

He's got a scarier voice.

Yes.

Mate, no!

If there's a simplicity and a directness to the Aussies, you don't mess with them.

No, exactly.

If you... I'm gonna... I was just... You were gonna what?

I was just gonna say a load of really lame offensive stuff about kookaburras.

But I'm not going to now.

Good, thank God for that.

Is that enough travelling tales?

Let's sell some music right now.

This is Anna Calvi with Desire.

Who was that then?

Anna Calvi.

It was good.

She's statuesque.

I can see the next record that's coming up.

Is that a free play?

I'm excited about that.

I'm going to say a little bit about that.

Are you going to say it now?

Yeah.

I'm gonna play some David Bowie shortly and the other day I was in a hardware store and they had at the counter sometimes hardware stores for some reason I don't know what it is about hardware stores but they have selections of cheap very very cheap DVDs over there by the checkout and sometimes they're quite good.

In hardware stores?

Yeah I've noticed it maybe they have them in lots of places but something about hardware stores they just sort of think oh yeah by the way how about a DVD?

And so they've got a really weird... What sort of films?

Mostly 10th rate sort of stuff.

Really?

But in amongst the 10th rate stuff was Labyrinth.

Well that's because they stopped films about tools.

Nice.

They had an anniversary edition of Labyrinth 2 disc set.

I only say that because of the codpiece.

Sure.

And there was a documentary on this Labyrinth disc.

Oh, that's a great documentary.

It's long.

Yeah.

It's sort of feature length and it's got amazing interviews with David.

That's exactly right.

It's called Inside the Labyrinth or Behind the Labyrinth maybe?

It's called Up the Labyrinth.

up the labyrinth, right up the labyrinth it's called.

And I was reminded how much I love that film.

I mean, we went to see it when it came out, didn't we?

In the Odeon Leicester Square.

And it was 1986 and we were very excited as Bowie fans.

It was 86.

Jim Henson fans.

And excited about the fact that Terry Jones had written the screenplay for Monty Python, of course.

Now I'm trying to get my boys to watch the thing.

It's too frightening for them.

It is a little bit scary.

Because it's too real and wonkeloid.

It's all pre-CG.

Well, the sort of Wizard of Ozzie stuff, but at the beginning and end, the bookend stuff is quite peculiar.

Yeah.

Her home life is quite weird.

And then when it all kicks off, when the lightning storm starts in her bedroom, it is pretty scary.

Yes.

And let's remind people who haven't seen the film that this is basically about a young girl.

What's the name of the actress, Jennifer Connelly?

Yeah, she's very beautiful.

She was in Once Upon a Time in America just before that.

That's right.

So this is more or less her second role, having been plucked from a life as a model, I think, to play this part of a young girl who's complaining about the fact that her baby brother is making so much noise and she says, I wish the pixies would come and take you away.

Oh, shouldn't wish that.

and suddenly just after she's wished that there's a clap of thunder and an owl flies into the room and transforms into Jareth the goblin king played by one David Bowie.

And so David is standing there resplendent in his skin tight jodhpurs displaying for all the world his magnificent goblin pocket and he is wearing a timelessly ludicrous hair piece

I mean, it's got to be the worst kind of hairstyle ever created that will never, ever, ever be fashionable ever.

It's good.

I mean, you're about to enter a world of crazy haired muppet puppets.

Yeah, that's true.

That haircut is your intro into that world.

And it looks, well, how would you describe it?

It's kind of a Limahl fountain of hair.

It's a sort of Strouhlepieter, isn't it?

It's poking at it, but it's not because that's more, I think, of Edward Scissorhands when you see Strelpieter.

That's more Russell Brand-type nest.

But this is just ridiculous frightwig pointing up.

Anyway, Bowie makes it look good, I think, as Jareth the Goblin King.

But this behind-the-scenes thing is a treat, and Bowie is there being interviewed and taking it all very seriously.

Here's a little clip of Bowie talking about how he became involved with the project.

He first brought me the concept on the 1983 tour that I did in America, and asked me if I'd consider doing the part, and he showed me a copy of The Dark Crystal, which I found a fascinating piece of work, and I could see the potentiality of making that kind of movie with humans, with songs, with a more of a lighter comedy script.

I know David!

David, excuse me!

What is it?

I've just come off stage.

Why are you interrupting me?

I've got an idea for a movie where I'd like to have puppets and a codpiece.

That sounds very interesting, yes.

Are you Frank Oz?

Yeah, these are very broad impressions of everybody.

It's like puppets and a codpiece!

I'm interested.

Come into my dressing room.

Have you done anything before?

I was kind of involved in the Dark Crystal.

That's a fascinating piece of work.

I can absolutely see the potentiality in what you're talking about.

It's very provocative.

It's superlatticively provocative, and I'd be very interested in becoming invulvisized.

But it's a joyful documentary because you forget that it was such a hotbed of talent, that film, apart from Bowie and Frank Oz himself.

He's such a legendary figure.

You've got the artist Ron Mueck.

Do you know that guy?

He makes these giant lifelike sculptures.

Well, he plays around with scale.

He had a very famous piece called Dead Dad, which was a sculpture that he made.

And he was involved in labyrinth.

He was.

He was one of the puppeteers.

I didn't think he'd be old enough to do that.

I thought he was a young chap.

Well, he was very young when he was in Labyrinth.

At that stage, he was a model maker, an Australian model maker who'd be involved.

An Australian model maker?

Yeah, right.

And then he moved to the UK, and now he's, you know, known as a fine artist.

How cool.

He was in there.

You've got George Lucas hanging around the set, of course, because he was exec producing that.

You've got Terry Jones in there.

And there's, for Star Trek fans, Beverly Crusher's sister does the choreography.

But anyway, you're going to play a good record.

I had this on 12 inch before the film came out.

I used to play this over and over again.

I mean, musically, it wasn't I'm going to stick my neck out here.

Musically, the period wasn't Bowie's strongest, maybe, maybe.

Here, for example, is a clip of Magic Dance that he created.

Dance, baby, dance.

This is great.

oh oh oh oh oh

You know, that's not Eno producing there, that's all I'm saying.

It was just, um, those are all the hip sounds of the time.

Do you miss it when people scratch things up and say, power of voodoo, scratching, scratching?

Yes, I do miss it.

I think it should come back.

Yeah.

So anyway, um, the song that came out of the thing that was kind of a hit for Bowie, of course, was Underground, which is what I'm going to play now.

And I do like it.

I love the sort of gospel feeling of it and it reminds me of Happy Times.

This is David Bowie with Underground.

Lovely.

David Bowie, Goblin King there.

What a great record.

An all-time classic as far as I'm concerned.

You can see me doing a little audition for Jareth the Goblin King on YouTube, I think, somewhere.

If you search for that.

I did a scratch mix of that, you know.

Did you?

When it came out when I was about 15.

Oh, of Underground?

Yeah, maybe I'll bring it in one day.

I'll still get it on cassette.

Come on, that would be awful.

That would be great.

Adam and Jo here on BBC6 Music.

It's gone, 12.30.

It's time for the news.

I've never heard that.

Stone Roses.

That's unbelievable that I've never heard that, isn't it?

Unbelievable.

What?

They were wasting their time.

If Bucky Lee's hasn't heard it.

Exactly.

What the World is Waiting For released 1989 double A side with Fool's Gold.

Yeah, because they had the same drum pattern, didn't they, on there?

Good times.

Drum pattern, drum beat, whatever you want to call it.

Oh, for goodness sake, let's just play the Jingle James.

I like to change the lyrics of songs from time to time To make them refer to things I do I call it popo creation and as far as I'm aware it isn't a crime I wonder if it's something you do too

I'd say that was my favorite Bucky Lee's jingle.

You know, I was trying very hard to do something a little less aggressive and... She did very well.

It's beautiful.

Very lovely singing.

Here's a message from Julia.

She's aged 30 from Liverpool.

She says, Dear Count Buckler and Corn Dog, At work, when I am feeling particularly pressured to balance the many conflicting demands which are expected from a personal assistant, I like to sing

Stressed!

Ahhh!

I've got an ulcer the size of the universe!

What?

In the style of- I've got a what of the size of the universe?

An ulcer.

In the style of Flash Gordon by The Mighty Queen.

I find that vocalising this doesn't help at all.

But I still find myself singing it every single time.

I've got a bit of scorn to pour on that.

Go on then.

I mean I think it's very easy.

I mean Flash you can put any single syllable word into Flash.

Stressed!

yeah but the word stress is in you know it fits it has the right kind of it's good it's good it's good i mean people were saying the same thing about one we had the other week the um uh the guy that sang his name to the shaving advert the best a man can get yeah

So maybe I'm, you know, maybe it's the pot calling the kettle black.

Calling the kettle back, don't you mean?

Yeah.

That was my wife's favourite.

Mike Shinks, the best that Fran could get.

That's right, that's right.

Here's one what we got from Sinead and Hugh Kelly in London.

Have you noticed how the Tube announcements have started pointing out which side of the train the door will open?

Which side of the train the door will open?

That makes sense, yes.

This makes me and my husband start singing, the doors will open on the left hand side.

The other passengers do tend to look at us a bit strangely, but this always amuses us no end.

What was that noise you made?

Hee hee.

It was like a sort of six year old laughing.

It's just a hint what you're supposed to do in response to that.

Thanks Janae and Hugh Kelly.

Canned cornballs laughter.

Hee hee.

I mean that's public pop-ropriation.

yeah is that sensible to do these things loudly in public to sing these things yes joyful joyful yeah people might think you're a moron no everyone does pop appropriation every everybody every yeah everybody dear jojo and buckster ball says uh richard and sarah a male man and a female woman from brighton

Our daughter has just turned two, and is still susceptible to the sorts of snots and sniffles that often loiter in toddler noses.

Whenever my wife or I attempt to gently decongest said nose with a tissue, we literally cannot help but sing, to the tune of Heatwave's Boogie Nights, Boogie Nose!

Ain't no doubt you are really snotty Boogie Nose, come on now, got to get it cleaned up Dance with the boogies, get down, dance with

Because your boogie nose is always the most dead down.

You've got boogies in your boogie, boogie, boogie nose.

Boogie, boogie nights there.

Boogie nights.

That's a good one.

It's a good one.

I made up a song for my, um, for Frank when he was very snotty.

I had a, like a original thing which was... You gonna sing it to us?

Well...

bogey nose bogey nose bogey nose but it was a bit yeah i don't really want to backpedal he's got a great big bogey up his nose it's personal sorry frank

Finally, here's one from Dermot.

Now this person was trying to trick me out with their name because it's spelt d-i-a-r-m-a-i-d.

Diarmaid.

But I looked it up on the internet.

Nice.

And I know it's pronounced Dermot.

Good job, man.

I'm a man.

I'm a mailman in Galway, Ireland in the 17-25 demographic and I have appropriation for you when I walk into a room and the room is a bit chilly I like to sing.

Cold, cold in here.

Oh, like Golden Hill?

Yes!

Nice.

Yes.

Gold.

Golden Hill.

That's quite a good one.

Very good.

Yeah.

And finally, from me, we had quite a few of these.

This is one that's very popular for poppropriation.

I'm talking about the track Physical by Olivia Newton.

I like that track.

I've got it on 7.

Does that bear up well?

I haven't listened to it for a while.

It's got one of the... Twenty years, perhaps.

It's got a sort of sick sexist video, I seem to recall.

Sick and sexist.

It's just ladies working out.

There's nothing sexist about being a lady.

I think it was Olivia working out amongst a group... Very fat men.

Very overweight men, yeah.

That's weightist and sexist, yes, you're right.

Exactly.

It's disgraceful.

uh louise a london girl says i'm listening to the podcast and the item on popropriation reminded me that the other day when getting ready to cycle on a gloomy day i'd put on lots of high-vis clothes and lights i started singing to the tune of physical by olivia newton john let's get visible visible i wanna get visible don't want to be invisible can you see my yellow coat my yellow coat can you see my yellow coat

That turns into a kind of hidey-high thing at the end there, doesn't it?

It does, doesn't it?

It sounds like a sort of public information film.

I want a yellow coat!

Can you see my yellow coat?

Who's that?

Peggy.

Is that Sue Pollard?

Yeah.

That's good, man.

That's it for me for appropriation.

Have you got any more in your locker there?

Nope!

okay uh let's play some metronomy now we're gonna be hanging out with metronomy i hope i mean they're big they're one of these bands that you know they were sort of um grooving around in the shadows earlier this year and now they're on the pyramid stage at glastonbury this year so i hope we're gonna lure them into our stinky den when we're there next weekend this is the bay by metronomy

Text the nation.

Text.

Text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text.

Text the nation.

This week is all about nature war.

Times when you think you are going to have a lovely time in God's garden.

The benevolent world of green things.

You frolic into it and find it biting you on your ass.

In a nasty manner.

Here is one from Nick in Cumbria.

I took my family for a nice Boxing Day walk to see some icicles that had been pictured in the local paper.

Good effort, mate.

The path to them turned out to be a treacherous sheet of ice.

My three daughters were weeping in fear.

Our pensioner friend Maggie slipped off the path onto a frozen river.

She couldn't get back up until passing walkers equipped with boot spikes lashed together dog leads and hauled her out.

They didn't look impressed by our sloppy shoes.

I got it in the neck, big style, but I told my wife, we've gained an anecdote.

Love you guys, Nick and Cumbria.

I like stuff that turns terrific.

I mean, that's good because no one was actually hurt, but it started out as a lovely little frolic and turned into a Kevin Macdonald-style night man.

I'm impressed that he got the family out to see the icicles there.

That would not have gone down well.

Yes, they were probably amazing.

Yeah.

Imagine the picture in the local paper.

I guess they would have made them look nice.

Yeah they were all nice.

Nice and icy.

Here's one from Rob in Croston in Lancashire.

Sometimes when I'm walking or running along I see an overhanging tree branch.

I like to give it a high five.

I'm high fiving nature.

Is it a bit OCD perhaps?

But I love

riding my bike until one horrible day on my route home from work there was always a tempting branch which punctuated my journey home nowhere near the road that would be dangerous this was on the university campus it was quite high so i always had to stand up on my pedals to reach to connect with it high five on this occasion all went textbook but in the time it took me to put my hand back on the handlebars my trouser cuff got caught on my chain and i lost my balance i ended up with the bike on top of me my foot through the spokes in the of the front wheel

Yarg.

Luckily I only graze my arms and no one was around to laugh at me but I don't tend to high five trees on my bike anymore.

It's a shame no one saw that he would have looked like a wally.

It's tempting to grab a leaf isn't it when you pass an overhanging branch.

Oh yeah tear a bit of foliage off.

Yeah or if you're passing a bush to pluck a leaf off, roll it between your fingers.

You don't go up to a person and pull out their hair?

Yes I do.

Why would you do it to a tree?

Here's another one.

Children love to do that.

They love to damage foliage.

You really have to explain.

Well it grows back.

I know it's very hard to explain to a child why it's a bad thing just to yank some foliage.

I think it depends on the number of leaves on the tree.

I mean if there's lots then the leaf can spare it.

I'm gonna make a film all about trees coming to pull your hair out.

Really?

Yeah.

You don't think trees should be allowed to give joy to a child?

Not that, they could do other things!

They can hug them, hug them!

Hug the tree, you're absolutely right, you're absolutely right.

Here's one for Joggle and Buxy.

Oh yeah.

Who are they?

Dunno, they sound cool.

When I, whenever I was very, whenever I was very young, it's sort of a way for them to start a message.

Every time.

I remember going for a walk with my parents and their friends who included a minister.

I saw what I thought was a very nice stick, which I wanted for my stick collection.

I've got one.

I picked it up excitedly and was confused when it squished.

Nature and I have never seen eye to eye since.

One last one?

That's like the joke though, isn't it?

What's brown and sticky?

Yeah, well not really.

Because it's not a stick.

Stephen, a boy man from Dublin.

I came home from work on Monday to notice the front door of my house was covered in caterpillars.

My girlfriend would not let me get rid of them because she said they would turn into butterflies and it would be, open quotes, lovely, close quotes.

Her teacher friend said it would be highly educational to bring them into class to show them turning into butterflies.

The next day we got an email from her teacher friend to say that one had exploded into maggots and the others were dying.

Exploded into maggots?

Not the lesson she planned for her seven year olds.

Yes.

Maggots.

What are these?

Maggots.

In that some of the children got maggots in their eyes and faces and the others were dying.

Probably being sick while they were dying.

Awful.

Expected something lovely and got a hideous explosion of maggots and caterpillar vomit.

The end.

Keep those coming in.

Text the nation is Nature Wars.

Adamandjoe.6music.pbc.co.uk is their email address.

It's Jonny Chingas.

Oh yeah this is, oh I've got a story about this as well, this link's going on forever.

This is a record called Phone Home by Jonny Chingas and I've been trying to figure out what it was called and how to get hold of it for months and then completely out of the blue... Where'd you hear it first?

A listener...

called Stephen Heywood, said, you've been playing early hip-hop and electro, would you consider playing these obscure tracks?

I've been trying to search for it.

I've been searching phone home, I've been searching ET, and this record hit me hard when I was a kid because it appears to have the noise of the monster from An American Werewolf in London in it.

And it also mentions ET.

It's by Johnny Chingas, it's from 1983, it's called Phone Home.

Here it is.

That's Mr Johnny Chingas with Phone Home from 1983.

Thank you again to Stephen Heywood, who helped me track that down.

I've been looking for that for years, mate.

I didn't know who it was by.

And Stephen told me.

Good stuff.

Next weekend, folks, we are going to be finishing off our little run here at Six Music for the time being at the mighty Glastonbury.

We're doing three shows from the festival.

We'll be there starting Six Music's coverage at 10 a.m.

on Friday morning.

So if you're heading to the festival, come and

Yeah, but here's an exciting thing if you are at the festival We want to come and see you or want you to come and see us more likely when is this going to be on this?

Saturday morning on the Saturday morning to the first half hour of our show we're going to be out and about so from 10 a.m.

To 1030 exactly black squadron time basically if you're at the festival you come to if you come to the pyramid stage We'll be on the left hand side if you're facing the stage to the left.

Yeah, there's a little gate and

and if you go onto the blog which is bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash adam and joe you can find out all those details plus i think we're going to put maybe a little bit of a cheeky bronham mask there for you to print out and where that might help identify you as a black squadron member we might have a little communal taffin shoutage what about that that'll be good idea

Yeah, so to perk you up on that Saturday morning, we hope it'll be a beautiful day.

Come and join us.

We'll leave you details of that liaison on the blog as well.

Coming up is Liz Kershaw, so stay tuned for her.

She's got Emmy the Great on the show.

Didn't realize that.

She's going to be live on Liz Kershaw's program.

Thank you so much for listening today.

Have a great week and we'll see you in Glastonbury.

We love you, bye!