The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (11 June 2011)

Welcome to the big British castle.

It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking.

Yes, that's the cure with Just Like Heaven.

Hey, how you doing, listeners?

Adam Buxton here.

Hello, listeners, it's Joe Cornish here.

Hello, how you doing?

Hi!

Hey!

Hey

Sorry.

Alright, thanks very much.

Yeah, morning listeners, welcome to the show where Adam and Joe will be here with you until 1pm and we've got an incredible, innovative, groundbreaking radio show lined up for you, haven't we?

Yeah, I mean, how would you describe it?

It's like a news and current affairs program.

Here's how I'd describe it.

How would you describe it?

Rubbish.

Why would you do that?

That's only one element of it.

Yeah.

Though.

But it's amazing rubbish though, isn't it?

Rubbish surrounded, gold plated.

Gold, solid gold.

Gold plated rubbish.

Rubbish.

With lots of fibre and nutrition.

Yeah.

And lots of high quality gold dust.

But we'll be dealing with a lot of important topics, right?

We will.

We'll be dealing with the, what topics we'll be dealing with will we be dealing with?

Well, there's like a delicious topic with hazelnut in every bite.

We're dealing with those.

Actually, you know, we haven't got any topics.

We've got like a carrot cake thing that one of Namone's buddies made us.

Thanks so much.

We never say thank you to Namone, incidentally.

Thank you, Namone.

That's rude.

Thank you so much, Namone.

Are we allowed to say that Namone is heavily pregnant?

I mean, I don't know if she knows.

You thank her for that?

Thank you for being heavily pregnant at the moment.

No, I'm just saying that any minute now, she's going to, any minute, any minute now, she's going to be going in the hospital and a little baby Namaw's going to be born.

Now listen, it's Black Squadron time here at the Adam and Jo radio show.

Black Squadron, of course, the elite listening squad that listened to this program live.

None of our conversation about Black Squadron is allowed to penetrate the podcast.

Is that correct?

yeah pretty much pretty much every now and then a little bit slip throat but usually that's the rule it's a live show only thing so this is very very very exclusive and every morning of course every saturday morning we give black squadron a command uh as a single word command and they have to interpret that command in any way they want to and send a photo of them doing that interpretation i say them but if you're listening now live i'm talking about you

You take a photo of yourself doing the command and send it to us at 64046 or via email adamandjoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoejoe

Went to bed at a reasonable hour.

Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning.

That's the secret of the squadron's power.

Can't believe you said tippy toes.

It's my favourite dancing dog.

Is it?

Who's tippy toes?

How quickly you forget.

Where's tippy toes from?

How quickly the nation forgets from last year's Britain's Got Talent.

Flipping heck.

Tippy toes.

How quickly people forget.

What did tippy toes do?

Did he dance around?

Sure he danced around.

I can't quite remember what he did.

Did he dance around on his own or was someone helping him?

Was he dancing with a Hugh man?

He was dancing with a Hugh woman.

Was he?

Yeah.

As she danced around Tippy Toes, I believe, if I remember rightly, followed her on It's Tippy Toes.

That is the best Tippy Toes dog dancing act I have ever seen.

Well, of course.

Tippy Toes was usurped by a singing dog this year.

Was he?

Yeah.

Upping the dog stakes, was he?

Anyway, enough of that.

You can't just say that.

You can't just drop that in, by the by.

Well, you're the only person who's not aware of it.

What is the dog saying?

Dogs can't sing.

What is the dog saying?

Dogs just howls in a pained way.

Yeah.

No, that would be better.

Well, it's like... That sort of thing.

Well, you know, that's for next year, isn't it?

I keep expecting boggins to turn up on Britain's Got Talent.

You know, I'm taking boggins to Glasto on a string.

Are you?

Where have you found boggins?

This is very sudden.

I've located the little boy who we housed boggins with.

Right, this is really coming out of the blue.

This is very important stuff.

You're just suddenly laying on the front of the show.

Well, it's turning into a more involved link than we thought.

This is supposed to be the Black Squadron link and suddenly you've announced these...

things.

That's saying the show's rubbish and now it's gotten important.

Now it's suddenly gotten important.

Carry on.

So you found the little boy.

Why?

I mean why all of a sudden after so long?

Well actually he tried to track us down because he's upset.

Boggins has ruined their lives.

basically right that the life of this family that we housed boggins with right because boggins was back here a few shows ago or we could i mean we didn't see him but we could smell him yeah yeah they were on a day trip to london but they want to get rid of him desperately that's it's ruining their entire lives right and tearing them apart as a family you're tearing me apart

And so, I think we might have to look after him for a little while.

What's Boggins doing to tear the family apart?

What's he not doing?

I mean, he might tear the furniture apart, but not the family.

Sure.

How do you think a family responds to having a little stinky person dragging its butox across the floor?

So you're going to take Boggins back?

For Glastonbury, yeah.

For Glastonbury?

Yeah, yeah.

And Boggins is going to be there on a string.

He's on a string, yeah.

We'll tie him up outside the OB van.

Oh, that's amazing.

Anyway, listen, more of that later perhaps, but first let's get on with the Black Squadron command.

We're going to have a piece of music for the Black Squadron to perform the command to?

Well, we've got, we've got, um, Sleigh Bells.

Is this, I never know, I should look at my sheet, shouldn't I?

The band is called Rill Rill?

No.

Pandas called because you see sometimes it's an uppercase.

It's not consistent.

It's not awful They're called sleigh bells and the track is called real real from the debut album treats We're gonna be firing it off after commander Cornish issues the command all right black squadron stand by your command this week is as follows cavemen

What in the grey-green-greasy Limpopo River is going on there, eh?

Just excitement.

Sleigh bells.

That's the sound of the future, isn't it?

It's the sound of Christmas in the future.

Congratulations to Sophie and David in Bristol.

They appear to be the first people to have got a caveman photo through the Black Squadron Command this morning, his caveman, and there's a very good one there.

I think that must be David.

unless Sophie has quite severe facial hair problems.

Is that a real picture?

That's not a model, that guy.

No, he's a... what, this guy?

No, the other guy.

That guy.

That's a real guy, yeah, must be a real guy.

He is a caveman.

Don't move on to him.

Hang on.

We're focusing on Sophie and David.

But he's done a very... he's obviously nude in bed.

Yeah.

Oh, hang on, it's all gone funny.

Here we go.

He's obviously nude in bed, as most sensible people are.

But he's just wrapped his sheet or something around his nude body like a caveman.

Right?

Well, you have to imagine it's a huge leaf.

Cavemen haven't got, they didn't have sheets, there's no bedding.

Well, you just imagine it's a huge leaf.

Huge leaf.

Or the hide of a polar bear.

It wasn't prehistoric time, no it wasn't.

No, no, because the cavemen didn't cohabit with the dinosaurs, did they?

Well, listen, you're making this very, you're really complicating things this morning.

I want to know what the facts of the thing are!

First of all, you unload all this bogging stuff on us, and now you're doing some sort of

historical credulity test.

I want it to be historically accurate.

That guy's wandering around with a toga!

It's not Roman, is it?

Do you want him to say exactly which age he comes from?

Paleolithic, Neolithic.

Yeah, Jurassic.

Terrific-alithic.

I already know Jurassic.

He's got a very... anyway.

From the film.

He comes from Jurassic Park, where all the cavemen lived.

He didn't have no togas in Jurassic Park!

He's rubbish, get it off!

I think he's doing a very good job and he's brandishing a bottle of HP sauce.

I want to know about that monkey man.

The one above.

He's a real monkey man.

The second picture we appear to get in Black Squadron people is a monkey man.

It's a man.

His name is Simon in Bristol.

Grrr.

Grrr, Simon in Bristol, he writes.

And it's just a picture of his face.

He's got incredible facial hair that looks like a caveman from the time before razors.

The rest of his face as well.

Well he's got a, he's frowning so he's got a pronounced brow which makes him look a little neanderthal.

He's like the missing link.

I think, stupid screen it keeps going away.

Stupid screen.

Simon in Bristol, I think Adam's in love with you.

As one hairy beardy man to another one.

Imagine.

I think he wants to rub, I think he wants to rub his beard against yours.

Imagine the homunculus monkey children we would have.

Your beards might get attached like velcro.

That's not a nice thing to think about.

Could you do that?

If one person has a very sort of curly tight beard and the other has a stringy one, would it work like velcro?

No, you'd have to have double double curly.

Yes.

Yes, it would.

It would work fine.

You'd be able to do acrobatic tricks and stuff.

You could be in the circus.

This is exciting.

So much stuff.

That's not the way it works.

You can't get two guys with afros just to stick to each other.

Have you ever tried?

Yes.

So well done, Black Squadron.

Very good photos.

We'll be talking you through some more of those a bit later.

Alright now.

You know, when I say a bit later, it's like in a few minutes.

Well we might, yeah, we might talk about something else after this.

No.

Alright, sorry.

Free play time right now, listeners.

Joe and I get to pick out three tracks each per show.

I've brought in a little bit of Spoon for you.

I love Spoon, they're one of my favourite bands.

I was a bit disappointed by their last album, Transference, but it was their most successful one to date.

What are they going to think about that?

I don't know.

I mean that's an interesting quandary.

Yeah.

If it's hugely, if it's successful but you don't think it's so good.

I didn't think it was their best one.

Really, that's an interesting phenomenon.

I mean I'm glad for them, you know, they did, they did, they're bigger, they're much bigger in the States than they are in the UK.

But I, you know, I keep willing them to just get really massive in the UK.

I didn't think the last album was the one that was going to do it.

Anyway, that said, I really love this track on there.

This is Out Go The Lights by Spook.

Trust it.

That's Jamie XX, far and near.

We weren't laughing at the track.

No, no, but I was concerned there that Jamie XX seems to have gone solo very, very quickly.

I mean, the XX only just like blew up a year or so ago and already he's doing solo stuff.

I don't think they've split up.

I think he's just got so much good stuff to give.

I was saying permanently, but you know that he's gone solo and we've discussed in the past that that must be unsettling for other members of the band.

They like to see him stretch his legs and you know he comes in and says listen guys How does he talk Jamie xx?

Listen guys, I really want to do a lot of steel drum stuff.

Can we do that, please?

No, and I'm being the girl.

Yeah

No.

Please.

I hate steel drums.

I don't want to be involved in anything with steel drums.

Oh come on.

This is not based on what they really sound like, we're just making this up.

It is, it is.

Come on.

No I hate steel drums.

Well please.

I hate steel drums.

Well wobble boards then.

I've had an instant.

Wobble boards then.

Please.

Yes, wobble boards.

Alright then, but I'll do the steel drum stuff on my own.

No, don't even say it, I had an incident with one when I was small, don't even say it.

What's your problem?

I was at a street party and I got too near to the steel drums.

What happened?

I caught my head between the steel and the clonger.

Oh no, dear, I didn't realise you'd been affected by clown ads.

Yes, I didn't want anything to do with your still drama.

Fair enough, I'll do it on my own.

And that's how it happened.

That's how it happened.

The stories behind the music here are on the Adam and Jo show on BBC6 music.

Come on Cornish, pull yourself together.

Right, it's Black Squadron time.

We've had photos in of people executing the Black Squadron command.

It was caveman.

And it's, I would personally, this is one of my favourites.

It's a humdinger.

We could do a whole coffee table book just out of this.

This is very exciting.

We didn't realise how good it would be.

We have got a very Neanderthal listenership.

Listenoid.

Listenoid ship.

Bob and Jenny and Carabell in London have presented what I hope is a picture of Bob

I dearly hope it's not a picture of Jenny or Cara Bell.

Bob is a large man who looks a bit like a BBC political correspondent.

No, hang on, he's not a large man.

He's just a fulsome man, a generous man.

I don't know how large he is.

What I'm saying is he's got a breast.

Well, it's the way his tiger skin is draped.

It looks as if he has a breast hanging out.

But I don't think he is, but he's very, very, I mean, he is primitive.

It's a very, very good photo.

Congratulations, Bob Jenny.

Carabell, we've got nothing but admiration.

You know what I'm a tiny bit disappointed with is that no one has done any Nick Cave stuff.

I was right hoping there might be some.

Claire and Andrew McCluskey in Edinburgh, who may have featured before, but I believe that's Andrew there who's put one of his mum's fur coats on backwards.

He's brandishing, I don't know, some kind of club.

uh he has got naught but socks on his legs and he's looking very aggressive like he could defend a cave yes from some sort of mammoth attack he looks like a primitive jedi he does what's this guy holding this guy's just crawled out from under the furniture matthew barry has literally just crawled out like protoplasmic slime from under the furniture he's defending his cave as well

He's got a very good war face on.

He's got a big... It's like a chopper he's got in his hand there.

Don't say chopper.

Here is another one from... Oh, there's Django again.

We've featured Django before.

Django's been put in a box this week by his father Neil.

Quite right.

And his... Django looks a bit upset about being in the box, but luckily... Get back in your box, Django!

Get back in your box!

Luckily, his father is giving him the gift of rocks.

Jungle.

Oh, bucket box.

A kid's rock for jungle.

Jungle.

Rock.

What do you want?

Can you rock?

I'll give you rock for bubble.

Wow, that's primitive.

Now what do you want?

That's the primitive queen.

The primitive queen.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the cave queen.

Oh, Laura Biff, get back of your box.

Hey, listen, it's 10.30, man.

We could do a whole hour on this.

We're going to have to stand the squadron down and get onto the news.

Here's the jungle.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain

Excellent job squadron.

You may stand down have a have a nice little relaxing cocktail.

It's time for the news The model buttons might respond to that ultrasonic noise mmm, you know somewhere I've got a recording of myself playing that song with Garth Jennings and on his stag weekend years ago this was before he got married and

We went to a recording studio and hung out and ponced around and got a bit tutti.

And Richard Russell was playing the drums from Excel.

And Nigel Godrich was playing the guitar.

He produced his radio head and a pair of the Wannadys.

It's an all-star band and Dr. Buckles was singing on that track.

Wow.

It's awful.

Alert the British Library.

Yeah.

So listen, man.

It's the Queen's birthday today.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

It's her official birthday in the United Kingdom.

The Queen's official birthday is now celebrated on the first, second or third Saturday in June, although it is rarely the third.

I'm kind of all, to be perfectly honest, I'm all roiled out.

What?

Well, there was the big shinshang the other day.

Yeah, the big shoe-lally.

I mean, I don't mean to torpedo your link.

But anyway, go on, see whether there's any royal enthusiasm left.

The Queen's birthday?

What about the Honours?

You've got to be happy for Brucey.

Sir Bruce!

Come on!

Well no, it's true, because I've been waiting.

I mean, I've been so furious that he hasn't been given one of them.

I mean, the public have been screaming for it.

Showbiz has been, I mean, it's been a national disgrace.

Jimmy Starbuck was very nice and magnanimous.

Has Starbuck got his own honours?

Sir Jimmy?

Anyway, it's the Queen's birthday, yeah.

Her real birthday is, do you know when it is?

No.

April 21st.

Why do you know when the Queen's real birthday is?

That's a good answer.

We had a message though from Mark.

He says, hi Dr. Buckles and pasty man.

I think the Queen may have been moonlighting over on Radio One.

Times must be hard as she's now earning money as a Brazilian drum and bass DJ called DJ Markie.

check out Annie Mack's interview from Friday's show.

Here's a little clip.

So listen, tonight's special delivery is a tune from you and Spy called Yellow Shoes.

Talk me through this tune, please.

My girlfriend, she's from Australia and I miss her a lot.

And I just, you know, I just decide to make a track for her.

And I'm just rolling out the tune and I'm singing a tune and that's me singing and I remember I sent it to Spy and he's just like, oh my God, I love the tune.

Let me finish, let me put a couple of other things here.

And I said, okay, fine.

And he's just like, oh, it's a cappella, it's fantastic.

Where did you find it?

Just like, uh, that's me singing.

No way, so he's never heard you sing before.

And he's just like, no, you're kidding.

It's just like, no, it's me.

There's a little bit of royal blood in there.

A tiny bit of blue blood in there.

I wouldn't say it's all the way.

No, because she's disguising her voice.

Oh, you're saying that's her?

That's the actual queen, yeah.

Oh.

She's a lovely queen, and she's a lovely queen, normally a queen.

I don't know, I just think like in the 40s and 50s, people used to aspire to speak what was called the queen's English.

I think that's now just happening again.

People are aspiring to speak the queen's English.

They have such respect for her having heard her on this programme.

So you think because DJ Mark, he was in town.

I think more and more people out there are just trying to speak properly.

a tune.

Here's DJ Marky's actual tune.

So this is DJ Marky singing for the first time and obviously producing a spy.

The track is called yellow shoes.

It is our special delivery.

Here we go.

Laura, Laura

That's what they're going to be singing tonight in the palace.

That's good.

Cause it's a quiz.

She loves drum and bass.

She absolutely does.

Um, okay.

Listen, let's play some music right now.

This is airship with kids.

That's airship with kids.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music.

I think it's time we wandered into the realm of retro text the nation.

and we're going to be talking about apologies in a second but first here's a a new reworking of joe's classic retro text the nation jingle from doug aka andy fips he says dearest adam and joe i've recorded a nifty retro text the nation jingle for you in the style of everyone's favorite weirdos from boston the pixies

Please allow the extremely poor Black Francis vocal impression to pass you by without too much scorn pouring.

If it helps my case, I recorded the trash and bin screams approximately a million times whilst listening to the track on headphones, so I'm pretty sure my neighbours and local community now think I'm undergoing some kind of internal transatlantic struggle.

Love and hugs from South East London.

Here's what Doug came up with.

But I listened to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel like you, frustration, cuz I could've joined in with textination Now my drums have disappeared, because we're drunk, it's an injection team Now my legs are like we ran out, stand cold in the trash and forgot to nobody

Wowee!

Has he done the music for that himself as well?

Yeah, I think he has.

Done the whole instrumentation and everything.

That is amazing.

That got better and better as it went through.

And the actual bit where he's saying, throwing in the trash and forgotten.

That impression was perfect, frankly.

What's his name?

That's Andy Phipps.

Andy, that's brilliant.

And then the stuff at the end with the Kim Deal backing vocals is fantastic.

That's great.

Thanks, man.

So, retrotexanation.

Last week we were talking, well the whole thing was inspired by this anecdote that I had about nearly killing a woman with a huge piece of MDF that blew over.

And at the end of the conversation I joked that, you know, texanation was going to be about times when you've been hit by large pieces of MDF.

So someone sent in a story about them being hit by a piece of wood.

by just a board.

But it was apparently not, you know, an ironical thing.

I think Lucy Peaker just genuinely thought that Texanation was about time soon.

You've been hit by boards.

So thank you very much for your story, Lucy.

Are we going to hear the story?

It was very long.

It's long and quite horrible.

No, it was just very, very long.

But it was a great story.

Loved it.

And I'm glad you're OK, Lucy.

But we're going to talk about Apologies.

It's quite a good idea to do a very, very specific Text-A-Nation, though.

Because we'd probably, if you make it very, you'd probably only get three or four eligible answers.

We'd cut down on reading, wouldn't we?

We should try and think of something really precise.

Well, let's do that, because we haven't got a Text-A-Nation subject for this, would we?

We'll just have a little thinkle during the next record.

A little thinkle thunkle.

Here's one right now on topic, though, from a lovely lady named Claire.

I don't know if she's lovely, I'm just assuming she is.

Dear ANJ, I'm a primary school teacher who has made it my quest not to be a shouty teacher.

I suffered from this breed of teacher as a child, and I'm sure this is why I was so nervous and shy, and I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was 18.

When I do raise my voice to the little brigands, it's only for the most serious of crimes.

For example, armpit farting, talking about sexing, and obnoxious farting when sat on the carpet.

I always feel guilty after a shouting outbreak, or a shout break.

But I don't want to show them weakness, so I apologize to them in the third person.

For example, Ms.

Degan is very sorry for raising her voice.

Ms.

Degan didn't mean to shout.

She just doesn't like those farty noises.

I find that everyone is a winner with this method of apologizing, and I'm trying to implement it with my boyfriend, Lászlóf Claire.

Why the third person?

Isn't that slightly demented?

It's a little bit mentile, but she is saying it wasn't me that lost my temper and lost control.

Yeah, but it was.

It was Miss Deacon.

No, it was Miss Deacon.

Oh, as if the whole teacher thing is a role she's playing.

Kind of, yeah.

It's her alter ego.

And so she, on behalf of Miss Deacon, would like to apologise for Miss Deacon's little outbreak, her shout break, because of the obnoxious farting.

When she says obnoxious farting, does that mean, like, farts that are just so... I mean, that's like the... ...whiffy, they're beyond the pale, they need to be told off for.

The primary school farts are particularly bad.

Little kids.

But that could be the basis of a disturbing direct-to-video thriller.

If, what's her name?

Miss Deegan.

If Miss Deegan, in inverted commas, starts doing other things that Miss Deegan doesn't take responsibility for around the primary school.

Miss Deegan has been very naughty and cut off someone's hand.

Miss Deegan doesn't want to get the police involved.

Exactly.

This is only the beginning.

Miss Degan has burnt another classroom.

Now, Miss Degan's very sorry.

I think we should alert the parents of the children in her class and get them all taken into care.

It's kind of a good technique.

I might try that around the house.

It's a good technique.

Here's one from Christian, a he-man.

Wow, that's even better than a man, isn't it?

Better than a male man.

Very muscly.

Yeah.

Aged somewhere between 18 to 25 from Nottingham.

That means he's a master of the universe.

yes dear adroit and juggernaut nice nice i was 16 years old sitting on a bench beside a bin with my friend peter yeah it's a good saturday afternoon i was suffering hey should we go sit by the bin and it's like yeah see you there before

I love that bin.

I was suffering from hay fever and got a huge load of phlegmy nastiness in the back of my throat.

Not wanting to look like a yob, I turned my head and spat into the bin.

My phlegm was so strong and aerodynamic that it passed directly through the two side openings of the bin and onto the cheek of a tiny old woman sat on the bench on the other side.

I leapt up and apologized immediately, absolutely mortified.

It was stuck like some kind of hideous slimy sea creature on the side of her face.

I had tissues in my pocket and collected the horrific specimen into them and deposited the whole thing promptly in the bin, still apologizing profusely.

She was amiable about the whole thing and even called me dear.

So you have, I've got this mental image now of a sweet little old lady with this huge green thing on her face and then Christian sort of leaning over with some tissues trying to, it's quite difficult to pick up a mucoid mess with a tissue.

You have to lay the tissue on it and then sort of pinch it and lift it, don't you?

Right.

And to do that on a strange old lady's face.

Can you just tilt your head, Lovey?

That's great.

I'm just going to... That's alright dear, don't worry about pinching.

You know, you can leave the oyster there if you want to.

And then he would have had to do a couple of swipes to clean up the meniscus.

The meniscus.

The trail.

I don't know what the... You know, I'm confused by the plausibility of that, though.

How is he going to... How tall is the bin?

Is it like a high bin, so he's trying to gob over the bin and it sort of goes through the bars?

I just think the thing is... I don't know.

I don't know.

But I would guess that phlegm is very unpredictable.

Isn't it?

It can go any which way.

Every which way but loose.

Sure.

You know?

That's a good point, man, thanks.

Thanks.

Uh, here's one from Richard Cosgrove, and it's a bit of a confessional one, this, from Dublin.

Dear Adam and Joe, three years ago I was living with two of my best friends, Louis and Pip.

I mean, I love- Lulu and Pipster.

Louis and Pip, they're great.

We were just out of college and permanently penning us.

Our regular tipple was a fizzy wine-like substance called Charlemagne.

I've never heard of Charlemagne.

uh 1.5 liters of sparkling wee wee for 5.99 bargain anyway one night i was on my own imbibing this cheap muck and surfing the web on louie's laptop with one big just poured glass on the couch beside me and louie's computer on my knees i promptly fell asleep upon waking i was horrified to discover that the glass of charlemagne had spilled all over the laptop keyboard the keys were covered in this

sickly, sweet, sticky, cheap booze so I wiped as much off as I could, plonked the screen down and went to bed.

The next day, Lou couldn't figure out why the A key, the question mark key and the dash key and several others weren't working.

Like the coward I am, I pleaded ignorance.

To this day, Lou has, uh, he has to copy and paste the letter A when he's finished typing.

And to make matters worse, he blames his girlfriend, Pitt, for the broken keys, claiming she must have spilled tea on it or something.

I've always felt guilty, but I never owned up and apologize.

If he's listening this morning, because he is an occasional Black Squadron member, Louie, I appob- I appobligize wholeheartedly for spilling plonk on your laptop and lying about it for the last three years.

Sorry, man.

But if he's not listening, then he'll never know!

And I'll never tell him!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I love you, bye.

Richard Cosgrove.

So that's a confession he's got it off his chest there.

I mean, that's a shame, isn't it?

When you ruin someone else's... That's a terrible lie.

He's perpetrated and he's lived with that guilt for three years.

Of course.

That's his punishment.

But that's the kind of thing as well that you would think there would be so many ways of just dealing with it, but if you get a GUI keyboard,

It's, unless you just go out and buy a whole new laptop or take it in to be professionally cleaned, it's something that you just live with for years and years and years and you never get round to sorting it.

And that key always sticks and it drives you mental and you can't do anything about it.

Again, it's a good beginning for a bad director video thriller.

What's the movie where they find the killer because one button on the typewriter types?

What is it?

It's a Jeff Bridges one with Glenn Close.

What's it called?

Oh, Jagged Edge.

Yeah, Jagged Edge.

Right.

Yeah.

I'd forgotten about that.

Um, good stuff.

Thank you very much.

That's it, right, for Retro Textination?

Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna see if we can think of something incredibly specific for Textination.

Yes, now it's time for a free play, uh, by me, and this is some, uh, innovative hip-hop.

Do you like hip-hop at all, Adam?

I am one of the best hip-hop artists in the world, so yes, I love it.

Now this is brand new, it's very edgy, it's challenging,

uh it's difficult hip-hop it's very political and um i've seen you know aggressive very aggressive very aggressive very angry it's very angry and aggressive you okay this with james no i haven't okayed with this with the brass but i'm just gonna fingers crossed i hope this will go across okay it's not really a political show um no i know so this is edgy all right so so stand by for a little bit of will smith with getting jiggy with it

Good effort there.

That's the Prodigy with Out of Space.

Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

Tying up a couple of loose ends now from last week's programme.

We were talking about Neds.

Do you remember?

Following on from a mention... Yeah, the Peter Mullen film and also a word commonly used to describe people.

Yeah, yeah.

We mentioned it, I think, because a Glaswegian, John T, had sent in an amazing Arab strap-style retro text-the-nation jingle.

But, Joe, you said that Ned's actually stood for something.

Yeah, I'd read that it stands for non-educated delinquents.

Or it might be one of those acronyms that people apply retrospectively.

Right.

Well, here's Dougie, our friend Dougie, Paine, who lives in New York, and he was listening, and he's a Glaswegian man.

He says, and I feel I should do the correct accent as well.

You should do the correct accent.

You can correct Joe on the etymology of the word.

No, no, no, no, Adam, that's not the right accent at all.

It's not.

It's got to be higher.

I'm sorry.

Yes.

Oh, my totties are on fire.

Okay.

By the way, you can correct Joe on the etymology of the word Ned if you want.

It does not stand for non-educated delinquents.

That's what is known rather unpleasantly as a bacronym, i.e.

an acronym applied retrospectively to a preexisting word.

The wered Ned... That's particularly good.

That's good, isn't it?

That's so uncanny, that bit.

The wered Ned was first recorded in the mid-19th century in Glasgow, obviously.

The true derivation is not clear, but it is thought to be a contraction.

I'm telling you the origin of the wered Ned!

LESSON!

Nobody cares.

YA POOF!

What?

That's not acceptable, is it?

No.

No, because not even Glaswegian people would say that.

Sorry, I got too much in the character of, like, a horrible caricature.

Keep talking, keep talking, keep talking.

I apologise to everyone.

I'm going to stop doing the accent now.

No, I'm not.

The true derivation is thought to be a contraction of ne'er do well.

Ah.

In your face corn plaster, says Doogie.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah.

Ne'er do well.

That's more romantic and old school.

It is, isn't it?

I like that.

I'm going to have to take a bath now to calm down.

Thank you, Dougie.

Also, we were talking about pronunciation fun last week.

Do you remember?

And here's a message from Peter McMullen, and he says, Dear Buckles and Scornballs, I've got a travelling tale and a mispronunciation for you.

My girlfriend was on a platform waiting for a train when she overheard a boy ask his dad, Where's that train going to, Dad?

The reply came, Luger Baruga.

The train was going to Loughborough.

He wasn't joking, according to her.

Loughborough, obviously, will always now be Lugaburuga to me.

Ta-ta for now, Peter McMullen.

That makes it sound much more exotic.

That is a good place, isn't it?

Yeah, Lugaburuga.

Sounds like some place an extraordinary safari-hatted adventurer would go to.

Or where Bob Hoskins would live.

Oga-booga.

Oga-logaburuga.

Oga-booga.

Logaburuga.

Thanks very much for those.

Let's have some super furry animals right now.

This is Golden Retriever.

Very nice.

Golden Retriever there by Super Furry Animals.

How are you doing listeners?

Adam and Joe here.

Now listen, Taffyn News.

Okay, we are still trying to track down Bronnholm.

Where does he live?

Do you reckon he lives in Malibu?

I do, only because we had an email in, here we go, that's from Rebecca in St.

Leonard's on C. Dearest Adam and Joe, just thought I should email in, especially in light of the Taffyn theme ongoing.

I shall drop a name, and that name is Pierce Bronhom.

That's the big name.

He is an old family friend.

No.

Although I haven't seen him since I was three at his house in Malibu, and his son Sean punched me in the nose.

Yeah, well, you deserved it.

what for just not being brawnhole exactly after that mishap we all dressed up as listen sorry after that mishap we all dressed up as pop stars and did a karaoke and did a bit of karaoke they didn't do a karaoke i was boy george although i cannot remember who pierce was i was too scarred by the punching incident by all accounts he's a lovely man and i think he would find all this taffen malarkey on the show very funny indeed

I shall ask my grandpa, who is the tenuous link between myself and Pierce, and see if he still has a contact for him, and if so, shall forward him some of your podcasts.

Lots of love, Rebecca.

St.

Leonard's on C."

— Wow!

— A female girl.

So all sorts of exciting elements to that.

First of all, the mental picture I now have of the Bron-home... home.

— The Bron-home.

in Malibu.

I mean it's probably beautiful.

Of course it is.

It's right on the coast.

It's absolutely beautiful.

It's not, where he is is not very windy.

So it's really lovely.

It's exposed but it's lovely.

I imagine it's a combination of the ancient and the modern.

Yes.

So wonder, lots of twigs everywhere.

Well a lot of it is themed like his films.

There's a big volcano, there's Dante's Peak.

Exactly.

He's had Dante's Peak built and that's in the middle of the pools.

That's the heating, that's how they heat the house is with a volcano.

And also there's a big long slide that goes down.

Why?

Yes.

Like it's just sort of a bond thing.

Yes.

Because Bond has a lot of action sequences on slides.

Exactly.

There's that famous water park sequence.

Now that was Dalton, wasn't it?

When they are sliding down.

This is a good idea.

This is a good idea for a chase sequence in a Bond film.

He's in America and they just end up sort of driving their cars into wet and wild.

And Bond has to get away so he goes on one of those slides.

And all the villains go down after him.

And listen, if you don't like living in the Bron home, then...

This is what the doorbell sounds like, right?

What does Bronholm's doorbell sound like when you press it?

Sprung it on James there.

You can't get the sample.

Quickly enough.

Anyway, listen, that's very exciting and we're going to try and make contact with Bronholm in the Bronhome.

But we also had some amazing things through from our new favourite person.

Yeah, but before that we've got, this is Gary.

Have you got that there, James?

This is from Gary.

In the podcast all that bit will be cut out and we'll just go straight to this.

This is what Gary sent in.

Here's a nice variation on the Bronnholm clip.

Oh my god!

Wow.

I think bits of my brain have been rewired.

There's glasses smashing all around the studio there.

You know what?

I'm actually going to move.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you've finally got the message.

Yeah, I'm gonna move.

Well, good.

That was Arj.

He's a sound man that works with Gary, and they sent that in.

Thank you very much.

That must be just within legal limits.

Surely that's beyond legal limits.

I mean, we didn't clear that with the technicians at the castle.

I think that could be dangerous.

I'm sure that smashed a few amps.

Um, so, yes, you were saying about Jaguar skills.

Jaguar skills.

DJ Jaguar skills.

He's a mysterious man.

He's a mysterious man, but we've both been corresponding with him this week, have we not?

Yeah, but you can't, no one knows what he looks like, right?

We don't know what he looks like.

No, I did an image search for him on Google.

When he DJs, he wears like a mask and you can't see what his face is.

But he's a very generous and talented man, and we've been corresponding with him and we sent him some bits and bubbles.

And DJ JaguarSkills, thank you for all the amazing stuff you've sent us.

He's sent us a big goodie bag full of exciting stuff that he's created.

He's remixed some of our stuff as well.

Yeah, he's amazing.

We might play that in future shows, but here's the results of some of his Taffin-based efforts.

Fire off the first one, James.

Hehehehehe

That's amazing.

Yes, yes.

What's the track then?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'll find out in a second.

Here, and if you like that listeners, shall we play another one?

Have a listen to this one.

Yes.

Wow.

That's amazing.

Has he actually managed to separate George Harrison's voice out from the track there?

You should ask him about that.

You're fascinated with that, generally.

Yeah, I am.

Lifting vocals away from... You really need to find out what the deal is with that.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

Sorry, I won't go on about it.

Let's have one more bit of Jaguar skills fun with Bronholm.

Just a vacancy

Wow.

Oh, that's amazing.

Powerful, powerful stuff.

Thank you very much, DJ Jaguar Skills Jag.

How old do you think Jag is?

I hear mid-eighties.

Mid-eighties?

He's like one of the oldest DJs around.

Yep, yep, yep.

That's what makes him so good, very experienced.

That's why he carries up his face, yeah.

Yeah, very experienced.

I just wondered why he was so bent over.

Like, over his decks, you know?

Let's have a bit of music.

This is Yuck with Shook Down.

That's Yuck with Shook Down.

They've got a kind of a West Coast Sonic Youth thing going on there, don't they almost?

Even though they're, aren't they Londoners even?

They used to be in Cajun Dance Party, I think, didn't they Yuck?

Anyway, that's a good album.

Very much enjoying that.

And that track was called

Lamps.

Shook down.

What's happening to this program today?

It's just a bit wobbly.

Yeah.

All right, man.

Yeah, you make it all go right.

I'll make it all go right.

Okay.

Have you got these clips, James?

You know what we're doing here?

We got an interesting email listeners.

Yeah.

We got an interesting email from a listener called Connor Shaw.

It says, hey, Buck Skywalker and Corn Vader.

Yeah, I like it.

I was on iPlayer the other day when I saw that points of view was on the page.

I was very disappointed to find out that they have changed the points of view, dot, dot, dot.

Then the email just ended.

email suddenly stopped and it said from Connorshaw he'd cc'd his mum.

He'd sent it to us and cc'd his mum.

Oh she needs to know.

Yeah and the email just stopped there so I was shocked because you know on this program we follow Points of View and we're big fans of its theme tune aren't we?

Let's hear the old Points of View theme tune please.

It's one of the one most uplifting lovely theme tunes in television history I always feel that you need to stress to the listeners though that maybe aren't so familiar with our rambles and wiffles and waffles That is real.

That's not that's real.

That's not you and it's been the real theme tune to points of view for years Yeah, and we did we talked about this a year ago or something mmm

maybe longer maybe longer than that longer anyway Connor remembers that and he was shocked when he looked on the iPlayer or and you can see this yourself I had a look as well this is the new points of view theme here is the new points of view theme and you'll when you hear this something's missing you'll quickly pick up that something very critical is now missing let's have a listen to the new theme

What?!

So they've thought, well it's a classic tune, we've got to keep the tune, but maybe the vocals were a little goofy so we'll remove those.

Do you think they heard our segment and became embarrassed?

Because we were suggesting that the blue boobity bar bars were maybe not too respectful of the content of the show, do you know what I mean?

Yes, it seemed... Trivialising listeners' complaints.

It seemed like the theme music for a show watched by insane toddlers.

Yeah.

So anyway, I was shocked.

I was profoundly shocked.

Of course, bereaved I imagine you felt.

Boobity boobity booboos.

Blah boobity by us.

The Blah boobity by us had been taken off the song.

So I contacted the Blah boobities.

Did you?

Who are the group that sang the original song?

Yeah, they're headlining the pyramid stage this year.

They are, but they're based in Norwich actually.

Are they?

Yeah, very near you.

They're one of Norwich's most popular acapella.

groups.

Yeah.

Um, and they, I contacted them on the phone and they were, they were shocked.

They were really shocked.

You know, I didn't know I'd be the person breaking the news.

You would have expected they would have been told by the BBC, but they hadn't.

The castle hadn't informed them.

So they were shocked.

So I went down there.

And I had a talk to them and basically we tried to put it right.

Who did you speak to?

Blah, Boobidy or Byer?

Julian.

Julian, he's the main guy.

Julian Staples.

Julian Staples Bloobidy?

Yes.

So we decided to try and set the record straight and put the... We decided to put the Bloobidy's back onto the song.

But as we were doing it,

I mean, they kind of lost it, you'll hear.

I mean, the atmosphere was quite upbeat at the beginning of the recording, but I don't know, it sort of broke down.

And this is a bit sad, actually.

This is the recording.

Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla

The whole atmosphere got really morose.

And then Jillian, who is on the falsetto, she just started freaking out and she knocked over the mic stand and... Jillian tried to calm her down and it just all got really ugly.

So it's a great shame really.

And they gave me this letter to read out.

The boobies?

Yeah, it says...

Another layer of fiction.

The letter says dear... On top of this huge fictional cake you baked.

The letter says dear boopity bb c boop.

Did you take our boopity boopity bah bah singing off your show?

Blah, blah.

No, hang on.

Dear boopity bee bee see boo, why boopity why oh why did you take our boopity bah bah singing off your show?

Blah, blah.

That's what they want to say to Jeremy Vine and the producers.

Quite right, well.

I think the point of that has come across very strongly indeed.

I was quite drunk last night.

Sorry.

Anyway, let's have some music.

This is a free play.

This is the Black Keys.

This is great.

This is called I'm Not The One.

That's the Black Keys with I'm Not The One.

That is from their album entitled Blah Blah Blah Brothers.

Very nice.

2010.

Yeah.

I heard that on the closing credits of an episode of Series 2.

Season 2, you have to say, don't you?

It's American, of Eastbound and Down.

Right, I've seen Season 1.

Liked it.

Season 2's pretty good.

Didn't realise that Season 2 was out yet.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen Community?

Yes, I have.

That's good.

It is very good.

Yeah, it's funny.

You know, Richard Ayoade directed one of those.

Did he really?

Yeah, he went out there and did well.

I haven't seen his episode yet, but love that show.

Hey, we've got to say thank you so much to someone who sent us in an amazing cake M in Hackney.

Dear Adam and Joe, I'm a big fan and wanted to make you something to show my appreciation.

I thought what better than a gingerbread big British castle, though actually it's pretty small.

It's not, you know, it's quite large.

It's made from a German recipe and it looks more like a folly, but I hope you enjoy it.

This is an amazing thing that was here in the studio when we came in this morning and it was hand-delivered, right?

Yeah.

And it's beautifully packaged, very protectively packaged in some sort of a hand-folded cardboard thing.

And she's even put a sort of best before date on the package she's written that's best before the end of this month.

Because of the chill cake incident.

Right, well, you know, if you're a long time listening to this show, you might remember that someone a while back, we'd been talking about the need to have chill cakes every now and again when you're getting a bit stressed.

Someone sent us in some chill cake someone sent us in an actual chill cake that they baked with kind of minty icing and stuff Yeah, but it was cream based wasn't it?

It was cream based and I think they sent it in from the Midlands and I don't We tasted it and it was a little bit This is incredible.

Look we've unveiled the castle now.

It's got a candy cane portcullis.

Yeah a candy colors

That is absolutely magnificent.

It's got, um, what are these called?

Battlements.

Ramparts or... Ramparts, what's the complicated, there's a complicated name for that, isn't there?

Turrets.

No, that's one, it's got one turret.

There's a name for those.

Escarpments?

No, that's something else.

In Crustallians or something.

And look, they've got, each little battlement has got a lovely little golden borer.

The bits where the guys look through and shoot their arrows on castles.

Well, those are arrow slits.

Jaggles.

I don't know.

It's beautiful and it's got chocolate buttons on the corners.

It's spectacular.

It's got an Adam and Joe flag in the top.

It's spectacular.

The thing is that we can't tuck into it right now because we should take a picture of it first with us standing next to it and putting it on the blog.

But after we've taken that picture, I'm going to eat the heck out of that castle.

It's so light.

It looks delicious.

Do you like gingerbread?

Yes.

Because the outside of the castle, you know, it's fortified with gingerbread, of course.

All good castles should be.

But we don't know what's inside the thing.

Gingerbread is an evil thing.

Is it?

Why?

In storybooks, though.

Oh, yeah.

It's a portent of evil.

I mean, you don't trust things that are made out of gingerbread, generally, if you take fairy stories and Grimm's fairy story tales to heart, like I do.

Yeah.

Gingerbread is a red rag to a bull.

Are they liars, the gingerbread men?

Yes.

Hi.

What?

Gingerbread men?

Yeah.

Do they exist?

Well they do in Shrek.

Someone had a gingerbread house, didn't they?

Oh that's right, yeah.

And I'm sure they were lying.

An evil witch, she had a gingerbread, well she used it to lure children in, didn't she?

So a gingerbread castle, that is like a palace of grotesqueness.

God knows what's inside this thing.

Right, it's gone ten thirty, sorry eleven thirty even, and it's time for the news.

with last night, that was 10 years ago.

Yeah, good.

Get in the past.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Listen, uh, Dougie in New York or wherever you live now.

Hey, Dougie.

Uh, we have had an email from Richard Shapiro.

He is an Oxford English Dictionary editor.

He's the only Glaswegian writer on the Oxford English Dictionary team who listens to the show.

So he claims, I feel it's my duty to clear up the nonsense, nonsense, nonsense being passed around about Ned's.

The Oxford English Dictionary entry tells us that the origin of this word is still uncertain, but it's most likely to be just a use of the name Ned, short for Edward, seen as a common name of the people in the group described.

This is very common for words of this type, from Tommy's to Barry Boy's.

Had a little bit of croissant came out of my mouth.

But that sets that Dougie in his hoity-toity New York apartment straights, doesn't it?

Yeah, I don't know.

And the other little bit of business to clear up is that the battlements of castles are called, of course, crenellations.

Thank you to Rob Hall, who was the first person to...

to remind me of what that word is.

Are they really called crenelations?

Yes, they're really called crenelations.

Sounds a bit ladylike for a castle.

Sounds like a skirt.

Well, see what you can do to get it changed.

Yeah.

Now, it's time for some Traveller's Tales and regular listeners will know that we have a particularly beautiful Count Buckley's author jingle for this section of the show.

Well, let's remind people why not.

Here it is.

Travelling Tales Travelling Tales Tales of travelling on the train or an automobile or an aeroplane I want to know what you're travelling tales All aboard the Skylark!

It's powerful, it's punchy, it's short, it's aggressive.

Like me.

I've pointed it out in the past.

And so we've had this email from Jamie, a male man aged 29 years in Hamburg.

Dear Adam and Jojo recently pointed out that the traveling tails jingle was quote very aggressive and quote hardcore.

I've made an even unfriendlier version.

It took me hours.

I hope you like it.

I love you.

Bye Jamie.

So here is Jamie's version of the traveling tails jingle made even more aggressive.

You're furious.

Oh, I didn't hear it.

It got really dark at the end.

Wait, who first did that voice?

That's a voice you get in a lot of sort of American thrush metal.

Yeah, I don't know.

Do Guar sing like that?

No, Guar are a joke band anyway though, aren't they?

Is that Red Pepper?

Red Pepper, wasn't it?

I know, is it someone like Ramstein?

Do they sing a bit like that?

I wonder who the first person to act like that was.

Oh, Napalm Death, they did a lot of it.

It's very evil and very confident, isn't it?

It's frightening because it's so confident.

A black metalist could tell us about that.

Anyway, that's terrific, Jamie.

Well done, very good work.

But the fact was that it was a little bit too aggressive for Cornballs, the jingle originally I'm talking about.

And a few people have sent us in mellower versions.

Actually, there was a lot of really beautiful kind of folky versions of the jingle that came in throughout the week.

I hope we'll play them, not just this week, but in weeks to come as well.

But I'd like to play one particularly good one right now from a regular listener, Roo.

Lovely Roo.

We will play them.

Well, we're going to... There's no need to sort of hope because we will.

We will, we will.

Actually, this is from Roo's dad, but she says, dear bucculicious and unicorn balls.

I felt it was high time to redress the balance of jingle-jongle cover versions.

I was complaining that there'd been a lot of covers of Joe's retro-Texanation jingle, no covers of mine.

So thank you very much for all the people who set that right.

She says, in the past it swayed heavily towards Scornballs and his sole jongular offering in favor of Count Bocules.

My dad, Mr. Graham Hodge, has been a fan of Bobby Dylan, the sexy tortoise, ever since Bobbles first poked his head out of his shell in the 1960s.

Dad is a very talented singer and guitarist in his own right, so in honor of Mr. Zimmerman and your good selves, he's recorded the attached version of Traveling Tales for your listening pleasure.

He's even included a Dylan-related in-joke for you at the end.

I couldn't be more proud.

Hope you enjoy it.

Here it is.

Traveling tales, traveling tales Tales of traveling on a train Or an automobile or an airplane I want to know what your traveling tales Jonas!

Hey man, what's the problem?

Put the electric guitar down and get on board the Skyline

OK, man.

That's great.

Thank you so much.

That's more like it.

More soothing.

Yeah.

Roo's dad, that is, Mr. Graham Hodge.

Thank you so much for that.

And complete with the, was it the Manchester Free Trade Hall where the Judas thing happened?

Everything happened at the Manchester Free Trade Hall, didn't it?

Birth of Punk, Judas, anything else?

But there was a there was a brilliant bring-and-buy sale.

Yeah, was there?

Okay, listen, that's the end of traveling tales Yes, I'll fire one off

and i'll also read here we go hi adam and joe when i travel by bus or tube i sometimes get sat next to personal space invaders people who sit with their legs too far akimbo or squish you up against the window with all your luggage on your face do you ever do that kimbo because you got long legs i i have a big issue with legs akimbo i get furious i believe that this is on the london underground

I believe that the armrests are a mark of the division of your space.

Right.

And if you open your legs such that your knees go beyond the armrest division line, you are doing illegal and you should have your knees chopped off probably.

Yeah, or at least smacked.

Yeah but especially people in shorts because then you get these, we've talked about this before, you get this very light leg hair contact on your knee.

It is strangely sort of erotic for me anyway.

If you're wearing shorts as well.

Well of course if I'm wearing shorts everything's erotic.

The atmosphere around me is highly charged with sexy sparks.

So what's this person's technique?

Yeah, sorry, I forgot to read the rest of the email.

To combat this, I like to push my leg against theirs in an awkwardly nearly sexy way.

Sometimes slightly rubbing up and down.

I do that, but not with my leg.

I have found this quickly solves the space invader problem.

Some people even change seats.

Well, this is a good tactic in general.

It's emerging, isn't it?

That if you want to freak people out, the thing to do is go sexy on them.

Be proactive.

either you know touch them gently or you know pat the seat next to you if you'd like people to avoid yes pat the seat and get kisses and then do a sexy come hither with your finger and then if you really want to add to it you go

That's a good idea.

Just brush brush the knees.

That was from Tom Fuller.

Brush the knees.

Here's one right now from a young lady.

She's part of our 16 to 25 demographic.

She's a 19 year old female woman and she's called Sarah.

She says hello, count buck and balls and sir corn cobble.

I often have to get the metropolitan line, and the layout of the seats on this line means that it provides great feet seats.

So I always put my feet on the seat opposite me.

Two days ago a woman got on the train, and even though there were plenty of other spare seats, she full on shouted at me.

Get your feet off that seat!

I don't want to have people, erm, I don't want to have to sit on a seat where your dirty shoes have been.

It's people like you who are so inconsiderate that I have to deal with, and I can't stand it!

Then she proceeded to dust off the seat with her book and sit down.

I immediately reverted back to a child, like I was being told off in school, and muttered, in a slightly sarcastic accent, alright, sorry, and she just sneered at me.

then I had to sit opposite her for the rest of the journey and then she got off at the same stop as me so I had to walk down the platform and out of the station next to her it was awkward and even though I was in the wrong I still feel the punishment was too harsh for the crime with unnecessary shouting love from Sarah a 19 year old female lady love you bye well listen Sarah I think

That lady was right!

Get your feet off the seats!

What are you doing there?

Why does she have to sit there where your feet have been?

It's not like a lounge!

They're not like La-Z-Boys special big seat cushions for you to just put your feet up on!

Other people have to sit there!

Did she have her shoes off?

I don't think so.

Doesn't say anything.

She's got her shoes on the seat.

Yes.

I'm afraid that neither bucculis or cornballs can approve of that kind of thing.

We're on the screamy old lady's side.

Yeah.

She feels the punishment was too harsh for the crime.

If the carriage is empty and the shoes are off and the sock feet are on there, I think that's cool.

You'd rather socks on there?

Yeah, socks.

Listen, here's the deal.

I'm laying it down.

Socks don't tread on the pavement the whole time and the old doggy plops and stuff.

Yeah, but they're stinky.

I don't want other people's sock feet on there.

Here's the deal.

If you have to put your feet up, lay out a little, you know... Bring a little sort of comfort blanket.

Exactly.

Or, what Dr. Buckles sometimes does if he's determined to put his feet up, is lay your coat out.

Eh, your coat out.

I don't want your disgusting coat all over the thing.

You know what I think you should have is little plastic boots.

Disposable plastic boots.

Booties.

Booties that you should put on.

They've probably got that in Japan, don't they?

Probably.

I imagine they, uh...

Here's one from Andy right now.

He says, I cycle from my home in Stockport to Manchester every day.

Rather than run the gauntlet of death down the busy roads and risk being crushed by a bus, I weave my way through the back streets, cycle paths and parks.

Probably once a month, I wish it happened more, I cross the paths

I cross paths with a very old mysterious Rastafarian man with a big grey beard, walking stick and a large high-vis jacket, no matter what the weather.

His jacket signals his approach from a long way off, and this is when my excitement begins to grow.

When I get in range, he shouts at the very top of his voice, GO ON BIKER GROOVE!

in his unmistakable Jamaican accent and a friendly grin.

The first few times this happened,

I was a bit shocked.

I didn't know how to react.

I just smiled and nodded my head as I passed, expecting that he would stop shouting this fairly soon.

However, it's carried on and has probably occurred in the region of 15 to 20 times.

I now get myself ready when I see him approaching and I excitedly shout, good morning!

at him with a massive grin.

This makes my day and puts me in a good frame of mind and a good mood for work.

I would like to believe that I'm the only person that he does this to.

I'll feel dirty and undervalued if he just does it to any cyclist that crosses his path, says Andy.

So that's nice, he's got a special relationship going with the biker grove man.

That's quite a random thing as well to shout at a cyclist.

That's good.

Go on biker grove!

It's pure droit de vivre.

That's great.

Would you, I mean, you could be the person in that equation, you could regularly shout at someone in your neighbourhood.

No, I would want them to shout at me though, because I'm a cyclist.

Do you see anybody regularly?

Like someone you don't actually know who you go past?

That's a good question.

Only the guy, sometimes I, you know, the guy on the train that shuts my tickets.

Shout at him.

What am I going to shout?

Train boy!

Yeah, there you go.

When you see the first time you see him from a distance.

Ladies and gentlemen, please have your tickets.

Train boy!

There you go.

That kind of thing.

Good plan.

That's Travelling Tales for this week, is it?

We could even have some more Travelling Tales later because it'd be nice to play one of the other jingles but I think it's time we played more music.

Here's lovely Fleet Foxes.

This is Lorelei.

Peebles.

That's a great song, isn't it?

Got a weird little bit of production there at the beginning with the synth.

It sounds very other timely and the worldly.

Madern.

Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

Now listen, we're going to fire off the Text-A-Nation jingle, even though I have no idea if this is going to be a subject of conversation that inspires any communication whatsoever.

But what the heck is it?

Let's just plunge into it.

Here it is.

Textination.

Text.

Textination.

What if I don't want to?

Textination.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text.

Text the nation is a bit poorly as a segment.

Would you say it's been a little bit under the weather?

Wobbly, isn't it?

Little bit wobbly.

It's getting old and starting to sort of lose focus.

I mean, the thing is that retro text the nation does make it a little bit confusing, don't you think?

Do you think?

I mean, I don't know.

I just think I just think we're getting I mean, I won't even say we but I don't think I've suggested a really good text the nation for some time.

That's tough, isn't it?

I mean, we've more or less pulled out all the basic ones from the bag, and now we're into quite weird ones.

Although this is a fairly broad one.

I always think of Stuart Lee, though, whenever I start doing these kind of observational ones.

Why?

Because he's got to be in his bonnet about observational stuff.

His bonnet's full of nothing but bees.

He's got it in for Michael McIntyre, mainly.

I quite like Michael McIntyre.

Did you watch the comedy gala last night?

No.

With Dermot?

No.

Was it good?

No, I didn't watch it either.

That's a good topic of conversation, isn't it?

It's a good little chat.

So we got this message from Josh and he's in Islington and he says, Dear Buckers and Cornetto Balls, As a massive fan of your show, I was gutted to hear that your last show for a while will be on the Glastonbury weekend.

First weekend after you go off the air, my bestest buddy Alex, who is also a huge fan, is getting married to his lovely lady friend Helen.

To help us all deal with the abandonment issues that we'll be feeling, I wonder if you have any words of wisdom about love and marriage that I can share in the best man speech.

This'll also save me from having to base the whole thing around stories of him pooping his pants and being sick on old ladies.

So really, everyone wins.

Thanks in advance, love you, bye Josh from Islington.

So rather than actual stuff that could go in a best man speech, I think that we should talk about top tips for marital bliss in the home.

Oh, right.

That's very tangential.

Well, no, he's asking for good advice.

It's very tangential.

For a couple.

That's not tangential.

That's good, that's not tangential.

What, you think we should do it about, like, best man?

No.

Advice?

No, no, no, no.

Do what you said.

I thought the best advice I can give you, right, because I'm a married man.

You're not actually currently married, are you?

No, that's true.

but you are a long-term cohabitor and so in a way we're both qualified to offer advice on domestic bliss and in other ways we're not at all but I find that one thing that often sparks off a lot of arguments is just things around the house the way you organize the house the way you decorate the house who has the say-so on where the pictures go what kind of pictures you've got where the furniture goes how it is around

sort of circling the subject here aren't we we're getting closer and closer to it yeah and it's it's yeah this is good though keep talking let's get even closer uh i mean for example recently a couple of big rows that i've had with my lovely lady wife have focused and they started off so innocently as well like as topic topics of conversation we live out in the countryside so we're not next to lots of other houses and we've got one large blank wall

on on our house and I said the other day, hey, I'm going to do a mural on that wall.

I've always wanted to do a mural, you know, and now we're not, you know, it's not council owned property or anything.

We're out here on our own.

There's no one else we could offend.

I'm going to do our mural.

And, you know, our mural, a mural, right, a lovely Muriel spark on the wall there.

And I was half serious, but my wife immediately said they're not.

I said, well, what do you mean?

She said, no, there's no way.

Yeah, I might, might, might do a mural.

I might, might do really good.

I went to art school.

I got a first.

I could do a mural if I wanted to, and it would probably be wicked.

She said, nope, absolutely not.

Say, both of our houses, not just your house.

I can do a Muriel.

It'll be wicked.

I'm going to do a Muriel now.

She said, no, no, absolutely not.

Interesting.

Turned into a big argument because I was thinking like, that's a, I love Muriel.

So this is the subject, like big personal statements in your house.

Because I've got a huge poster for my film.

It's huge.

And I had it framed.

The company did me a nice favour and had it framed.

It's huge.

And I've popped it up in the kitchen.

We've got a big wall.

Yeah, you've got a nice big wall.

And actually my lady partner was very accommodating.

She's very lovely.

I said, well, we'll put it up.

We'll see how it goes.

It's a big light room and it's quite a dark poster, so it sort of swallows the light a bit.

like a big yeah terrible you know thing but uh she was very accommodating she was fine and it's going to stay out there we're happy with it yeah but stuff like that can start arguments going can't it because that's that's very much a big joe thing a big dominant joe thing in a space that is both of ours that's right but i used to because i you know i did go to art school my lovely laden wife is many things but it would still be a big a big u statement it would be a massively loud u

But I don't have any of my other things.

Well, I've got a few around the house, I guess.

But I used to have this thing, like I made her an enormous picture, a completely crazy picture out of little doodles that I blew up.

She hated it.

I know she hated it.

I just made that up, but she did hate it.

I did it for her birthday.

I had it really nicely framed.

It was absolutely giant.

I thought it was wicked and kind of demented.

She absolutely hated it too much.

It's like giving her a little teddy bear made out of Rochester.

Yeah, it's too much instead That's that was my next present for next year But you know for years and years and years she tolerated it without ever saying anything and then we moved into our new house Got sidelined.

She said why don't you put that in the kids some playroom there in the kids?

I was like yeah okay not the main kitchen area where everyone would see my Dr. Buckles crazy genius no let's put it in and now it's been moved out of the kids playroom and it's back in Dr. Buckles shed she's basically given it back yeah in slow motion outrageous anyway the other thing that causes a lot of problems around the house is some of her ideas that she gets like sometimes she reads house mags you know like things to do in your house to make them look nice yeah

Cos we moved in recently and so she's been all excited about making it look fancy and she does this thing where she goes around pulling the furniture out from the wall.

Yes yes yes you don't the furniture touching the wall.

What's that?

Well cos they leave it leaves a mark.

Is it?

We try and do that but every time you sit down on it it just pushes the weight of your body pushes it back into the wall.

I can understand.

You get a little tide mark.

If it's the front room, fair enough.

It's a good tip for increasing the size of the feel of the room to not have all the furniture pushed up against the walls.

But not like chests of drawers and tables and things.

I know, that's strange.

She pulls them out so there's like a big gap behind them all.

I go around pushing them all back.

Unless she pulls them out again.

Well that can be the same with books on bookshelves and CDs.

People who sit the CDs to the front of the shelf even though the shelf is too deep.

Right.

I just shove them all back.

And this is going on for a long time, so we'll wrap it up in a second.

But finally, the final thing is she loves to leave things open.

She'll leave the cupboard doors open.

She'll leave the drawers open.

We should encapsulate this, though.

How do you encapsulate this text the nation subject?

Because it's gone all over the shop.

We've had weddings, best man speeches.

Just leave that alone.

That was just the hook that we swung in from.

All right.

Don't worry.

Don't obsess about the best man.

It's domestically.

Decoration, or you know, domestic arrangement.

Domestic decoration differences.

Yeah.

That's alliterates.

Therefore it's got to be good.

Brilliant.

Yeah, listen, let's have some antagonistic hip-hop.

Yeah, so domestic, well let's just say that domestic decoration differences is the text isolation subject for this week, so you could get your ideas in for the rest of this show, but if you'd like to contribute throughout the week, if you're listening again or listening on the podcast, where do they have to send their messages?

They send their communications to adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, don't text during the week.

Do not text.

It'll vanish into the ether right now.

Here's public enemy.

This is Fight the Power.

It's the monkeys Octi monkeys there with black treacle Matt Helders from the band was on the radio with Steve LaMack yesterday and You can listen to that again right now by going on to your I'd play a mate.

It's a fun thing to do Do you know who's watching the show today?

Who's out there?

Who's in our little booth behind the glass?

Yes, I do.

Who is it?

It is our in-house illustrator, the mighty James Hood.

Can we make him come in right now?

Right now, let's talk to him in a little bit, shall we?

Because I think this time we had some pop appropriation fun.

Also, he might be freaked out by the idea.

He looks excited.

Yeah?

Are you up for this, James?

No, he's shaking his head.

He doesn't like it.

He doesn't want to come in.

We'll work on him.

But right now, I think, yeah, how about some pop appropriation?

Let's have the jingle, James.

I like to change the lyrics of songs from time to time To make them refer to things I do I call it popo-creation and as far as I'm aware it isn't a crime I wonder if it's something you do too

Yeah, that's the deal, alright?

A lot of people sing Lock the Taskbar, you know?

That's a PC thing, though, isn't it?

Locking the Taskbar.

I don't get that on my Macintosh computer.

Anyway, here's another example, though, from Merrick.

He's the mailest of the mailmen from France, he says.

And he says, uh, dear evil scientist and his hairy homunculus, while feeding my nine-year-old daughter, Clementine,

or Clementine, I start to sing to the tune of Screamin' Jay Hawkins' I Put a Spell on You.

I put a bib on you.

Cause you're mine.

Better stop the things you do.

I ain't lyin'.

No, I ain't lyin'.

I can't stand it, baby.

The food is flyin' around.

Until you learn to eat your food with just a little more care.

I'll put a bib on you.

Because you're mine.

And he says if you ever want to see a nine-month-old looking bewildered and terrified, this is a good way to go about it.

Thanks, Merrick.

He's a mailman from France.

Thanks a lot, Merrick.

Here's one from Steve Bent.

It says,

On the subject of propropriation I thought I'd mention how my film nerd friends and I used to refer to art house director Vim vendors as hey Vim vendors and always in a bombastic Dame Shirley Bassey styley whenever his name came up example question what's one of the wrecks this weekend answer are they showing the motorcycle diaries again on Saturday and on Sunday there's the new hey Vim vendors bam

movie land of plenty we also called jim jarmusch jam jarmusch and m night shyamalan m school night shyamalan ah they were the salad days indeed good times steve bent steve bent i wonder if that's the same steve bent that wrote i'm going to spain later covered by the fall

You never know.

Uh, Dear Adam and Joe, this is from Michelle.

She says, When I was younger, whenever my dad would catch me talking on the phone, he would sing loudly to the tune of Willie Nelson's On the Road Again.

On the phone again.

I can't believe she's on the phone again.

What's worse is I now catch myself singing the tune in my head whenever I see my partner playing on his phone.

Anyway, Kisses, Michelle.

That is a good one.

I'm gonna use that on my wife when I go in there.

Because, and, you know, uh, stop me if this is a grotesque and sexist generalization.

Stop!

Good.

We've also had an email.

No, go on.

I was just going to say, ladies love to talk on the phone.

And when you come into the kitchen, it'll be fun to say.

I can't believe you said that.

I gave you the chance to stop me.

I tried to stop you.

I know, but then you made me carry on.

I tried to stop you.

On the phone again.

Ladies like to talk on the phone.

It's true.

It says it in a book that I read.

The Sexist Book.

No, it's written by sexist scientists.

I love sexist scientists.

There's a unit of them based at one of the British universities, isn't there?

Yeah, the sexist unit.

Who paid for that?

You did.

Is it Jim Davidson?

I think Jim... doesn't it?

No, that's a different department.

Yeah, it was Jim Davidson and the other sexist comedians.

Yeah, well, good for them.

It's good for them and you.

That's the end of the program.

Bye bye.

What now?

Another one?

I had another one but it was banned.

Usually James pretty much ok's most things but I checked this with him in the break and he said nope.

Yeah, is it true you have to script everything you say in the program now?

and submit it to James?

Yeah.

The night before?

Yeah, all the stuff that we've been saying today was... Really?

Yeah.

Well, that's propropriation for this week.

Oh no, come on, look!

I tell you one that we get loads of is people doing variations on Papa Don't Preach in a fairly obvious way, but I thought this was a good one that summed all those messages up.

This is from Ilse, a heat chap, and he says, morning buckskin robbins and cornetto.

How do you spell that name?

I-L-S.

Really?

Ilse.

Very good French film, that.

Is it?

Mmm.

Fun fact.

When frequenting our favorite Indian restaurant, it is customary amongst myself and my friends, indeed rude not to, to set the menu perusal to the melody of Papa Don't Preach by Madonna with these words.

Papa Dom, please, I'm in trouble deep.

Papa Dom, please, I don't know what to eat.

But I've made up my mind.

I'll have a chicken Kashmiri with an onion bhaji.

Papa Dom, please.

good it's good good good good good good stuff good stuff and and you wanted to wrap it up early and you thought the segment had finished wrong wrong well now it has finished that's proper appropriation for this week i'll put a bib on you because you're

It is the original.

Keep them coming in, adamandjoe.6musicapppbc.co.uk.

Here's some screaming Jay Hawkins.

Yeah, with the original.

Oh, you said that already.

The Bronts.

Now he's playing at a summer festival, isn't he?

The Hop Farm.

Is he?

The Hop Farm Festival, that's right.

What is that festival?

It's in Kent.

It sounds good.

Who else is playing?

They've got a pretty good line up, I can't remember who the other two people are.

But you would think, I mean it sounds like a sort of relatively small sized festival.

It is.

That would be great to see someone like Bronts.

Why couldn't they get him to the Glasto's?

Who knows?

Is he done?

Yeah, he's done Glasto.

Has he done Glasto?

I don't know if he has.

Has he never done Glasto?

But he's perverse though, by nature, isn't he?

He's, yes.

He likes to just... He's the purple pervert.

Exactly.

The purpy perv.

He likes to just, you know, avoid anything obvious.

Yeah.

You know, if everyone's going a certain way- He'll go the other way.

Even if it's ridiculous for him to do so.

He'll just probably go upwards.

You know, if everyone's going- Straight down.

His mates are all going into the gents for a wizzle-wuzzle.

Ladies.

He goes into the ladies.

Ladies.

Just to freak them out.

And all the ladies get angry.

What are you doing in here?

You've got your own wizzle-wuzzle shop.

Go there!

No.

That's what Prance says.

Just to blow their minds.

No, he's just silent.

He does silence, doesn't he?

Do you remember that interview he did when he was just silent and he had slave written on his face?

Did he do that as well?

Didn't he?

Yeah.

You're not getting him confused with Blaine, are you, with the eye?

No, no, no, I'm not.

On Good Morning or whatever it was.

Prince done that too.

Yes, he do done that.

That's my ambition is to do that one day.

When he was trapped in a record deal, wasn't he?

He was trapped in a record deal.

Right.

He had to do, forced to do publicity, but he didn't want to do it.

So he just sat there silently with slave written.

I don't know what, did you ever feel the urge to do something like that when you were doing your Attack the Block publicity?

Yes.

To go weird on people?

Yes.

Did you actually do it?

Not really.

Yeah, I got exhausted and irritable a couple of times.

Yeah, sure.

Who wouldn't?

That would be my ambition if I ever did more of that kind of stuff, would just be to be really weird on someone.

To go nutsoid.

To go quiet.

really quiet.

What's happened to Dr. Buckles?

He's usually a figure of fun.

He's gone quiet.

He's blowing everyone's mind.

Hey, listen, just before the news, I just want to mention something that's happening this week.

It is a fun charity type event.

Carter's Steam Fair in aid of the National Autistic Society.

And I mention it apart from the fact that it sounds fun and for a good cause, because I'm going to be involved.

Wow, that's exciting.

And basically what is happening is that they've got people like Jarvis Cocker, Six Music's own Jarvis Cocker, who is going to be in the rock and roll dodgems.

So basically Jarvis and I think, who's that?

Richard Hawley are going to be DJing on the dodgems there.

And there's something called the Lightning Skid.

What's the Lightning Skid?

Probably some kind of crazy ride.

Well, that's going to be manned by Johnny Borrell, Boral from Razorlight.

Harry Hill is going to be manning the Coconut Shy.

Wow.

Dr. Buckles is going to be on the Hook-a-Duck stall.

That's a very good stall for you.

That's my favourite stall.

Hook-a-Duck's very easy.

You're going to be busy because you'll be handing out prizes.

Not Dr. Buckles' Hook-a-Duck.

I can always Hook-a-Duck.

What are you going to make to make the ducks less hookable?

I've got a Dr. Buckles pole I'm going to use to smack the ducks out of the little kiddies' hands and stuff.

Just smack the kiddies.

is out of the hooker duck area.

It's going to be a much more frightening hooker duck than anyone's ever seen before.

And who knows, I don't know what Cornballs is doing that night.

Cornballs may well be down there.

But it'd be nice to see Cornballs.

I heard a rumour that Jonathan Ross might be around there as well.

All kinds of people.

And apart from any of those ludicrous celebrities, it sounds like it'll be fun.

It's happening at Eel Brook Common on the New King's Road in London town.

Friday 17th of June, this coming Friday from 4pm until 9.30.

I'm hoping I'll be there for at least an hour or so from around 7.30 or something, so do come down, it'd be nice to see you.

It says that entrance is by wristband only, which can be purchased in advance from www.autism.org.uk slash carters steamfare, or one word.

I'm sure you will all exactly remember that address, but if you don't, I'm sure you can search for carters steamfare online.

It does say, though, that a limited number of wristbands will be available to purchase on the night, so you could probably just roll up there and try your luck.

Eelbrook Common on the New Kings Road, Friday the 17th of June.

Come on down!

Right now, it is gone.

12.30 and it's time for the news.

Text the nation!

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Now, I think we've come across a killer text the nation this week.

It took us a while to get round to it.

Yeah, even though Alex says here, I am the groom who's getting married to Helen in three weeks time.

He sparked this whole thing off in a way.

He says, I was very shocked to hear our names on the radio and ran upstairs to drag my fiance out of the shower.

She left a trail of shampoo through the house as she realized that we were about to be the subject of the next text the nation.

My best man was about to get his speech written for him live on the radio by Adam and Joe.

Alas, it was not to be.

In true Adam and Joe style, by the time we got to the radio, the subject had in fact completely changed.

I've no idea what Texanation is now.

Well, Texanation is now all about domestic decoration disputes.

Yeah, the triple D. When you move in together and you have to decide what kind of a style you're going to have your accommodation in and arguments arise, or if you've lived for a while and a new object or idea enters your brain space, you want to impose it on your living-ness and your partner disagrees.

So here are some good ones, all right?

Here is one that's come in from Stevie, who's a man from Glasgow.

He says he's a Sith Lord.

Is he?

Yeah.

Dangerous.

And he says, who wouldn't want a full-scale Darth Vader replica helmet as a living room centrepiece?

Who wouldn't want that?

My girlfriend, apparently.

It has since been moved to my fortress of solitude where we can now be alone together.

Fortress of solitude, good one.

Yeah, so that's a good example, but that feels like the girlfriend has had a pretty instantaneous dominance.

She's just said, no, and he's gone.

He's capitulated.

We know who wears the trousers there, Sith Lord.

That's a shame, isn't it?

When stuff like that starts getting moved out the house.

Tom, who is a male practical man from Buxton in Norfolk.

Domestic decorating disputes.

DDD.

Don't get me started.

Her.

I want curtains down to the floor.

Me.

It's completely impractical.

Not only will we have to pull the furniture away from the window but also the heat from the radiators will be trapped beneath the curtain leaving us cold and miserable just like this argument.

this exact same argument the other day.

Why do the curtains have to drag along the floor?

Can't we have them just a little like inch dangling above?

Isn't that normal?

They're gonna get dirty the bottoms of the curtains.

Here's one from Rachel.

My dad painted a huge 15th century king and queen brass rubbing on the dining room wall for a party in the 70s.

It's still there.

Along with a three foot postman pat, a seven foot penguin and at the bottom of the stairs a spider web stroke care bear mural up the stairs.

What?

She's actually written mural up the stairs on purpose.

A kangaroo stroke clown montage all horrible.

So that dad has done loads of murals over the years.

I'm not doing murals inside the house.

I would do it if I could.

Well at least they're hidden inside the house.

Everyone can see them outside.

I'm not going to put a Care Bear Muriel with spider webs on the outside.

Do a big spider web with lots of Care Bears trapped in it.

All terrified.

Here's another one.

This is Nick in King's Cross.

Of course it is.

Me and my girlfriend Liz just moved in and she made me put her vegetable poster in the kitchen instead of my Whitney Houston poster.

I am sad about this.

You should just combine the two and have Whitney Houston cradling a vegetable.

You can get those posters.

What vegetable is she trading?

It's a big, big bit of broccoli.

Not a marrow or something.

No.

Whitney Houston with a big bit of broccoli.

It's from that Christian vegetable program.

Vegetales.

I thought that was a bloke, Christian vegetable.

Would it be late period Whitney or would it be like addled Whitney or young fresh Whitney?

It would be addled Whitney.

Addled Whitney with some broccoli.

I want that poster.

Here's another one finally from Harriet.

Dear Adam and Joe, my boyfriend collects film posters.

We live in a very petite flat, so most of them end up under the bed, making less room for my shoes.

He has four big framed Kill Bill posters in our hallway, leaning against the wall as there's nowhere else to put them up.

We've been here for four years, but the posters make it look like we've just moved in.

I hate them!

I sometimes imagine ways I could break them accidentally by brushing past them and knocking them over.

He says they're worth money, so we have to keep them.

Would you like to buy them?

They're yours for 20 pounds.

Thanks, Harriet.

She could so easily bust them up.

All she needed to bring a ladder in the front room, anything.

I mean, very easily.

Here's another top tip.

Have a baby.

They won't last very long then.

Right, then anything dangerous has to go.

Yeah, you smash them up with a pram, anything like that.

Why does he need four?

You could do that.

You could just tip off Frank, give him 50p, tell him to break one of... No, I can't.

It's bad.

This is bad.

Yeah.

I'd tell him to go around with a pair of scissors, get Natty to go around cutting the bottoms off the curtains.

Off the curtains?

Bottoms off the curtains.

Good idea.

Then you're blameless.

So that's a very... I think it's a very good Text-The-Nation.

Yeah, man.

Keep them coming in because they could be in retro Text-The-Nation next week.

Email adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk with your domestic decoration disputes.

The Triple D!

Now, time for some Bunnyville.

This is Calgary.

Yeah, that's Bon Iver and Calgary.

He's got a lady voice.

That's funny.

I don't know if you noticed.

Now we've been joined in the studio by friend of the program, James Hood.

He's an illustrator that got in touch with us while we were on our hiatus, our sabbatical.

And he said, uh, Hey, I like your show.

And if you ever want a in-house illustrator, I think James, the example you use was the news quiz, wasn't it?

Or does Sandy Toxvig have someone that illustrates stuff for her?

Yeah, I saw somehow on some cartoonists blog or whatever that Sandi Toksvik had a cartoonist.

I didn't really know what that involved.

That's what all famous people get.

They get personal cartoonists.

And now we've got one.

So we've made it.

Ours is better.

Ours is much, much better.

James Hood is a very talented illustrator, if you don't mind me saying so, James.

I'd like to say so too, James.

Thanks very much.

I think you're really, really good.

You were just before we came on there, James had a little bit of self-loathing about your own work.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

But you're amongst friends, we love a bit of south loading.

What's your problem with your own stuff?

Give us the harshest critique, the critique that you fear most from your enemies.

That's hardcore.

I don't know, there's a couple of pictures that I've done for you that I just don't like at all.

How would you describe your style?

Yeah, well you kindly described it as naive, but these are just my best drawing skills really.

It's just about as good as I can do it.

Do you think self-loathing is quite important as an artist?

Yeah, yeah, I think it probably is.

Well, Camp Baquiles, do you like a bit of self-loathing?

Love it, man.

Do you love it?

bowlfuls of it every morning.

Yeah.

It's delish.

Really?

I get a lot of self-loathing after drinking.

Do you ever get that?

Well, I, yeah.

Yeah.

That's one of the bad things about booze though, isn't it?

Well, I can get it for up to a week.

Yeah.

That's a good text the nation.

Maybe we should bank that up.

Like what you, what you hate about yourself.

Do you know what I mean?

Proper self-loathing.

That would be a big one.

Do you ever get any little helpfuls of, you know, little spoonfuls?

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

It keeps me going.

It's absolutely delicious.

Yeah, I'm like a steam train powered by it.

Shovelling it into my brain.

It's the modern fun food.

It is.

So what is, do you earn a living being in Illustrator, James?

I mean, I don't think

You are making piles of cash from the big British castle.

I think yours is a labour of love, isn't it, that we post on the blog every now and again.

But where is your main source of income then?

Well, I do that and I do some editing.

I edit books as well.

Here's a more interesting question.

How long does it take you to do them?

Because you've got to turn them over in a week, right?

And they're very detailed.

Yeah, it takes one to two days.

One to two days.

Wow.

You are amazing.

Thank you for the gift of your drawings.

And so what you do is you, do you listen to the show live or do you listen to, listen again or the podcast?

Yeah, well I used to really enjoy the show and now I just listen to it with a frown and a notebook.

And then I usually listen to it, then I listen to the podcast because I am, if I listen to it live, I have no ideas.

What was your routine in the olden days?

Would you listen to the podcast with a little glass of wine there?

Yeah, I'd just lie in bed and listen to it, yeah.

Staring at the ceiling.

Relaxing.

Yeah, now I just pace around the house.

Pace around the house thinking... We've ruined it for you.

Yeah, I don't enjoy it anymore at all.

Well James, thanks.

Yeah, no, James, really nice to meet you finally and thank you so much for being our... Well, no, thank you very much.

Our drawing servant.

Drawing slave.

Here's a little bit of justice.

This is called civilization.

Laura Marling with darkness descends.

She's gonna be at Glastonbury this year.

Just hearing about some of the other people at Hop Farm.

Lou Reed's gonna be there.

The Eagles are gonna be there.

Morrissey's gonna be there.

That's a killer lineup, isn't it?

Might have to try and get down there.

Well folks that's just about it for our program this week.

Don't forget that if you'd like to get in touch throughout the week if you're listening again or checking out the podcast which incidentally will be available after 6 p.m.

this evening then the address to send your submissions to emails only please no texts is Joe Cornish.

I was having some water, I wasn't ready.

And now I was waiting for the water guy down your throat.

Adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk not an ampersand, and the number six, not the word six.

Yeah.

Okay.

Liz Kershaw is coming up next.

She's got naughty Glenn Matlock from the Sex Pistols in the house.

Naughty.

There's bound to be some rebellious ones.

Is Glenn Matlock the one that the others hated?

No, it was the other guy that got booted out, wasn't it?

Who was the one that got fired first?

Hey, hey, hey, look, she's there, she's telling us.

It was Glenn Matlock.

There's an amazing interview I heard the other day on one of the shows on 6music where they repeat bits from the archive with Mark Radcliffe, his time machine thing, and they played this Sex Pistols interview, well it was Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten talking in, you know, 77 or whatever it was.

And they are being so unkind and teasing, Glenn Matlock and Malcolm McLaren and pretty much everyone else.

But anyway, we'll hear the man himself in action on Liz's show coming up next.

Stay tuned for that.

Have a wonderful week, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, thanks a lot for listening.

Don't forget, you can listen via the iPlayer if you want to listen again, or there'll be a podcast available in a matter of hours.

Take care.

We love you.

Bye.