Susie and the Badges.
Hey, how you doing, listeners?
Adam Buxton here.
Hello, this is Joe Cornish.
Is that it for your for your Susie sign off?
Yeah.
It was quite surreal and abrupt and staccato.
Sure.
I decided to say the first part of it off mic.
Wow.
This is a new thing.
Yeah, I'm mixing it all up.
I'm inventing a new kind of radio.
We're seconds in and you're off the chart.
What's he doing?
He's out of control.
He's moved away from his mic and he's making peculiar bird noises.
I'M DOING THE SHOW FROM HERE!
We're going to get another Sony Gold for this.
For Adam Buxton's incredible off-mic avant-garde radio show.
Good morning, listeners.
Happy Saturday morning.
This is Adam and Joe here with you on BBC6 Music.
All the way until 1 o'clock in the afternoon, we'll be pushing through the noon barrier.
And we've got loads of exciting things coming up for you.
We're going to have some traveler's tales, some made-up jokes.
We'll have the results of the extraordinary Royal Wedding Song Wars.
We're going to have some great music.
What else have we got?
Well, we're going to stand the squadron to attention before any of that.
Should we do that right now?
Let's do it right now.
Black Squadron!
Always catch the beginning of the show.
Black Squadron don't want to miss a thing.
That's not the way Black Squadron rolls.
Black Squadron!
Went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning.
That's the secret of the squadron's power.
If you're a new listener to the show, if you've never heard this program before, then welcome.
You are by default a member of Black Squadron.
That's right though, isn't it?
That's correct.
Anybody who listens live in the first hour of the show automatically becomes dragooned into Black Squadron.
Can you be dragooned?
I don't know.
Yeah, sure you can by Johnny Depp or someone like that.
Right.
So, and of course, Black Squadron are the elite listening force.
They're a shadowy group of covert agents spread across this planet.
They're not planets.
You know what binds them together?
They're not wasters.
The wasters were out there last night, Friday night, talking mumbo, jumbo, having too much to, getting absolutely tooty.
and probably went to bed way after midnight still asleep probably still lazily waiting for the podcast or listen again not black squadron no they're not like digiforce they're a bunch of wasters hey hey they're not gonna hear it oh they're not gonna hear it because of course none of this goes in the podcast
We'll cut the Digiforce insults out of the podcast.
That's a brilliant scheme.
So listen, we're going to issue you a command, Black Squadron.
You have to grab hold of your cameras, or your cell phones with cameras in them, and text a photo of you executing this command to 64046.
Alternatively, you can email it to adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
All submissions may well be put on our blog, so don't send us a photo that you wouldn't want posted on the BBC Adam and Joe blog.
they may well be put on the blog and maybe one day they'll turn up as a really cheap cash-in kind of book that turns up next to the counter and in like a music shop actually that's not true because music shops won't exist anymore will they no shops won't exist shops won't exist the world won't exist
It's a cheery thought.
Thanks very much.
So yeah, in a second, we're going to fire off a bit of music by Johnny, a track called You Was Me out on Monday, May the ninth.
But actually, no, look at this more fun facts.
I didn't know this.
Johnny, are you Yuros Childs from Gorky's Zygotic Monkey and Norman Blake from Teenage Fan Club.
How exciting.
I'm looking forward to hearing that.
So we're going to be firing that off in just a few moments after Commander Torpedo Commander Cornish gives you the command.
I'm filling.
Can you hear it when I start filling?
That's when I just start talking pure nonsense.
It's still happening.
The filling is still happening.
Because I'm trying to figure out this Black Squadron command.
Now listen, Black Squadron, last week we gave you quite an edgy command.
What was it last week?
Surgery.
It's quite edgy.
Personally, IJ Korns regretted it quite quickly.
Well, there was a lot of photos of people brandishing knives.
It made me very uncomfortable.
I found it unsettling.
And is the gallery a little smaller than usual?
Just because some of the photos were quite medically frightening.
They were removed for health and safety.
We have a lot of professional surgeons who listen.
So as a result, I mean, our listenership is mostly surgeons.
Many of them are untrained.
But all our listeners are very enthusiastic about surgery.
Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, nonsense!
Hey, we can't get to that yet.
What, you're saying they're all trained surgeons?
So we're going for something a little softer.
And remember, Black Squadron, you can interpret this command in any way you want.
You can be creative or whatever.
And the key is to get your photo in as quickly as possible.
This is quite a verbose command, Black Squadron.
Are you ready?
Is everybody ready?
Is everybody ready?
Yes.
Okay, here we go, Black Squadron, here is your command.
Incredibly nice, warm, comfy and cozy.
Mmm, enjoyable.
That was Johnny, you was me, out on Monday.
Erm, Eros Childs from Gorky, Zygotic Monkey and Norman Blake there.
Very keen to hear more of that.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
That's quite a good DJ link there, didn't you think?
Yeah, it was well said.
You kind of, it flowed from the previous sentence.
And you kind of did this on it and a little vocal peak.
More of that!
Yeah, forceful, crunch and roll, compulsive rolling.
Thank you very much.
You're very good.
Very, very good.
Yeah.
Well started well.
Very good.
First link of the show was amazing and carried on.
Hello and welcome.
Hello and welcome to Back Row on Radio 4.
Hello and welcome to Back Row on Radio 4.
Your voice is so well moderated, is that the word?
Yes.
So, Black Squadron, your command was incredibly nice, warm, cuddly and cosy, and I thought I would get a lot of incredibly nice, warm, cuddly and cosy pictures of everybody in bed.
Joe was saying while we were playing that record, I wanted to see people in bed.
I wanted to see them all like super wrapped up in a duvet because that's where I want to be right now.
So I envy them and I want to see them all incredibly warm, cuddly and cozy.
Yeah.
And what have you got?
We've got three photos so far or that's what I've been given.
We have a very nice anonymous couple, a man who looks a little bit like a better looking Toby young.
That's right.
He does with his wife who's, we can only see the top of her head even better looking Toby.
Yes.
Hard though it may be to believe such a thing.
They're wrapped up in what looks like a beautifully hand crocheted rug of some sort.
They're nice.
Does it look incredibly nice, warm, cuddly and cosy?
It does.
And they've both got glasses.
They both look intelligent.
Yeah.
Is that good enough as an answer?
Joe was making a little note there.
Lots more have come in now.
Things have changed.
There was obviously some sort of blockage in the pipes.
Right.
But whatever it is, it's been pushed through.
It's been expulsed.
So listeners, last week I was talking- That's the sound of it being pushed through.
And what's the sound of us busting through the noon barrier?
Oh, we'll hear that at noon.
Okay, alright then.
Last week on the show I was talking about the fact that I was attending Joe's premiere of his film Attack the Block this Wednesday and I was worried about what I was going to wear.
You looked amazing!
Thanks very much in the end, and thank you very much indeed to everybody who sent in their sketches.
There were some very nice sketches of things I should wear.
Yeah, design outfits, fashion sketches.
Someone sketched a large block-shaped outfit that I should wear, so I would be wearing essentially a big material, you know, like a block.
Did anyone sketch you in the nude?
No!
I'd be interested to see some people's sketches of you in the nude.
I'd be interested to know what they think you're mysterious.
Your areas are like... This is a fun thing we used to do, wasn't it?
I remember one holiday, do you remember that?
When we were sat waiting for a ferry in Patras.
Some of them could be... Sketching each other in the new.
Really?
We weren't naked though, we weren't posing for each other naked.
We were speculating.
They needn't necessarily be fully revealing.
They could be sort of Beryl Cook-style, bawdy, bawdy seaside postcard pictures.
I'm remembering the sketches.
I think that would be funny, because I think your buttocks are quite unusual.
I don't know, I think it's a secret you hold from me.
They're unusually impressive, certainly, because the rest of me is a little out of shape, but when you get to the buttocks you think, what the heck, they're in amazing condition!
The secret weapon.
Really?
Wow, you've been working out.
Well, because I'm a cyclist.
I cycle everywhere.
So they are just extraordinary.
Anyway, not enough people get to see them.
But in the end, what I did was I went for the suit that I got married in, my morning suit, tails, the waistcoat, the whole nine yards.
I mean, I put it in my saddle bag on the bike, so it got a little creased.
Did you at any point have a crisis of confidence as you came down the red carpet towards the photographers?
Did you at any point think,
Is this the right sartorial choice?
Well I did, I had a crisis of confidence earlier than that though.
I strode out of the house, it was a beautiful evening on Wednesday, and I was all excited, got myself dressed up, you know, haven't been out for a long time.
I had my jacket over my shoulder then I was striding down the street going to get a taxi another luxury you know I don't normally get taxis and I was about to hail a taxi and I had my shades on as well I thought I thought I'm probably looking young and quite cool and you know this is exciting and I was striding along then someone yelled from across the street excuse me
And I thought, hmm, probably panhandlers after one of my tuppences.
But they're not going to get it.
I haven't got time to deal with panhandlers right now.
I'm sorry I'm not in a charity mood.
I've got things to do and taxis to get.
So I strode on, and when I got in the taxi,
Finally I glanced down and realized that my very long flies on my special suit trousers were absolutely undone, as undone as they possibly could be, and I was absolutely agape in every conceivable way.
probably the guy across the street.
In every conceivable way, because I'm conceiving some ways.
Well, you would be right.
Go further.
Oh.
Yeah, you'd be right.
I mean, it's amazing that I didn't feel the breeze.
Do you know what I'm saying?
And this guy was obviously trying to help me out from across the street.
No, really?
You could tell, like, that guy's in trouble!
I don't know where he's going.
I don't know if it's a wedding or the premiere of Attack the Block, but he's in trouble.
Anyway, luckily I noticed when I got in the taxi.
Good move.
So my confidence was shaken by the time I got to the gauntlet.
Some pairs of trousers, I think people who live in trouser factories, occasionally they sort of make the zip so that they will just fall open as something to get their day to go faster.
What's the word they sort of
Loosen the zip.
Yeah.
And secretly chuckle to themselves.
Right.
Grease the teeth or something.
Because I've got a couple of pairs of trousers where, you know, gravity just pulls the zip down.
They just slide right down.
They just slide right down.
And especially it's a low grade type of zip.
Yeah.
Maybe it's a Lou grade type of zip.
Maybe they're made by Lou grade.
Yeah, that's the kind of thing he's into.
He's finished raising the Titanic.
And now he's lowering the zip.
Better have a record.
Yeah, OK, here's a free play for you listeners.
Where's the free play?
I don't know.
It's just like, it's just a fun, fun, a fun play, a fun record.
It's a fun deviation from the excellent playlist thrown together by our producer, James.
This looks good.
This looks like a sophisticated film based choice.
I noticed last week I wanted to play Bernard Herrmann's taxi driver theme, but we didn't get time to do it, did we?
We might play it today.
Play it today!
That's exciting.
Well, it'll be a nice little themed thing in a way then, won't it?
Because I have Anton Karas, Damien's dad.
Really?
No, he's not.
But he's a, a, a zither, the zithermeister.
And so he was spotted by, I think, the producer of The Third Man, the Orson Welles film.
And he was asked to compose a theme for it.
And this is what he came up with.
One of the best- He said, alright then,
And was this not recorded under a table or something strange?
Oh, I don't know about that.
I think it's under the table in his kitchen or something.
I saw a making of documentary once.
Maybe.
1949 from the Third Man soundtrack.
Yeah, it's got an amazing acoustic, the zither plane.
Yeah, it's lovely and old and constantly delightful.
This is the Harry Lime theme.
I mean, do you feel happy when people speed things up?
In a record?
Yeah, when they do like a speedy version, like when they did the Fat Boy Norman Ricks remix of Brimful of Ash.
Oh, when they sample something and speed it up.
Is that what you mean?
Yeah, I mean, well, that's Gorillaz, right?
With Clint Eastwood.
And that's the speedy version.
Originally, it was... Oh, right.
Well, every year the young population of the country lose another sort of minute of attention.
Do you know what I mean?
Abilities to sustain attention.
So actually every year everything is speeded up a tiny bit just to get the younger generation, keep them interested.
Yeah, what's the slowest thing around these days?
The slowest thing?
Well, they're slow food, isn't they?
They don't even have slow food.
I mean, there's no maybe slow worms.
I had a friend who had an injured leg.
Did you?
And she could only walk incredibly slowly and like really, really slowly, tiny paces.
And it was really quite lovely walking around with her.
Sure.
Cause you just walk extraordinarily slowly.
Look at the world in a new way.
It was really cool.
I mean, it's the kind of thing other people probably don't understand.
Wow.
Look at the bark on the tree.
Exactly.
That kind of thing.
Hey, Black Squadron command has been issued.
We're about to stand down the squadron, but we've got some fantastic responses.
Thank you very much for everybody who sent a photo.
Here is a picture of a little boy, and the message says, my nephew Fred, he's called Fred, in the cow feeder.
Cozy.
And this little boy is up to his neck in straw.
In straw and rat feces.
Would you say he's incredibly nice, warm and cosy?
I don't know, maybe in an emergency situation.
He looks happy, he looks at Fred's face.
He does, he looks like he's a sweet little urchin chap with his face poking out.
He's a beautiful little boy, doing a little happy smile.
Personally I don't think that's the best place for children in the straw pile.
I don't know.
Sam, Percy and Yogi are three men.
They're three men's men and they are in bed together.
They're covered in a lovely duvet.
Very cool.
One of them is having a can of what looks like perhaps a beer.
Yeah, a breakfast.
Oh yes, because look at what's on their wall behind them.
Oh wow.
They live in a house made of old beer cans.
They're students.
They're students.
I used to like people who did things like that, like decorate a whole room.
But that's very nice.
And I tell you what I'm particularly impressed by is people's bedding.
And people seem to have a lot of cushions on their beds.
That's a modern thing, isn't it, to make your bed look a bit like a hotel room?
Cuscians.
Lots of scatter cushions.
I don't like cushions.
Coloured rugs, don't you?
What do you have on your bed?
as little as possible duvet my four pillows our bed is divided into two halves very strictly delineated with a brick wall in between if i had my way yes barbed wire but at night time i like things cool i'm a hot man so i like to sleep with very little i'm covering me i certainly don't wear any pjs whereas your wife whereas my wife is a cold woman
And she likes to be covered up with as much as possible.
So that sounds conflicted.
So she's wearing like a fur coat and then on top of that she piles an extra half width duvet.
Does she really wear a fur coat?
No, but she wears a lot of PJs.
And then on top of that she'll wear like, she will have a half width duvet piled on top of that.
No.
And then the double width duvet on top of that.
Sometimes she'll get a blanket, fold that in half, put that on top of the duvet.
Calm down.
It's unbelievable, I'm telling you.
Calm the hecking heck down.
It's like the Berlin war.
Listen, rewind a lot of information because everybody's trying to picture you and your good lady wife at home in bed.
Having earlier tried to picture you in the nude, we are now trying to picture you in bed.
And so...
does she have her
no pillows that's where I draw the line no pillows you sleep sorry I got one very squishy I got one very squishy thin one
My wife likes the larger plumper ones.
She's happy with two or three.
Really?
You're very different.
We are very different.
It'll never work.
Opposites attract.
When they met, it was murder.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to the Adam and Joe radio program here on BBC 6 Music.
I think it's the finest digital radio station in the world.
That's only my opinion.
It's 10.30.
Here's the news.
Stand down, your work is done.
You've earned yourself a nice warm bath and maybe a nice little bargain.
I used to feel acute frustration cause I couldn't join in with text the nation.
That's what I was thinking.
New order with true faith there.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music.
Very nice to have you aboard.
Sorry.
I was disrespectful.
Wasn't it?
New order.
Obviously they are no disrespect.
Don't want to have a fight with you, Bernie or any of the other guys.
Um, so listen, earlier on, we were talking about, um, go to Joe's premiere, we got into a thing, we made a hilarious comment about Lou Grade and flies and stuff like that, but then afterwards I realised that I hadn't, like, delivered the punchline right.
Do you ever get that when you say something that you think is nominally amusing in some way but then you think, ugh, I could have said it so much better!
I wish I could go back and fix it!
So what did you say the first time round?
I mean, it wasn't that funny, but...
it was you were talking about who grade and raise the Titanic yeah and then and we were talking about the fact that my flies run down so I said and now it's lower and now it's lower the flies I should have said and now it's lower the fly tannic
Yeah, so what we're gonna.
Do is we're gonna fix it in the podcast That's the wonderful thing that we can do because we have this live show But then we also have a podcast and James our wonderful producer chops it around and makes it sound nicer So we're gonna it's gonna make all the difference sure it is gonna It's gonna people are gonna laugh very very powerfully and authoritatively when they hear that improved joke and now we've that's enough We've done it right now haven't we because you've got me saying it and you can just chop it in this magic magic
It's a tissue of lies!
Now, you've got something there, Joe, in your sweaty hands.
I have indeed.
Here's an email we received from a listener called Don Wallyman.
Wallyman?
Dave Wallyman.
Dr. Don.
He says, Dear Adam and Joe, After last week's show, I was surprised at Adam's clear lack of understanding about your show's listener demographic.
Joe quite rightly pointed out that what Adam was saying was nonsense now this was when you said very casually without warning during last week's show you proposed that this listener had very this radio program had very few listeners between the ages of 75 and 25 17 to 25 17 to 25 sorry my brain I'm 75
And I declared that nonsense.
Nonsense.
I intervened instantly.
You did.
You were very vehement.
Very vehement and strident.
And because the nonsense alarm went off.
Sure.
Because what you had said was nonsense.
I pressed the nonsense button.
Let's continue with the email.
Even though I'm 29, says Dr Dom, I know loads of people who listen to your show who are between 17 and 25.
I mean, have you ever seen the pictures of Black Squadron?
No, he hasn't.
Because I do that.
I sometimes pass a few over.
That's true.
Joe sees more than I do.
To further reinforce Joe's point of view, I have catalogued the entire debacle using some funky beats with a Z. So here is what Dr. Dom has put together.
This is extraordinary.
Please listen closely.
Because people who are aged between around 17 and 25 don't generally listen to this program.
Oh, that's nonsense.
Is it?
Yeah, that's nonsense.
That is nonsense.
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
No, but the nonsense button's gone off.
Nonsense!
The funny Easter Bunny is back with the voice of Russell Brand.
Nonsense!
It's flashing.
That's nonsense!
If you listen to this programme at your age, 70 to 25... Hello, just wait a minute, please.
Wait a minute!
The fridge doesn't say that to me when I want to get something fridgey out of it.
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
There we are.
That could be a good promo for the show, couldn't it, James?
Well now, what we have done is we have installed a real nonsense button.
Yeah.
Is that button capable of making noise?
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
Nonsense!
There we are.
So...
This can now be activated at any point if dr. Buckles or indeed cornballs.
Yeah says something that is absurd Uh-huh, so it's gonna be going off a lot Wow get used to that noise That's also something that people I mean we're becoming like proper wacky Saturday morning DJ sure We've got more jingles than we have things to say We've got nonsense buttons
Oh, dear.
But that's fantastic, Doctor Dom.
Thank you very much for putting that together.
And I have to say... What?
If we had a reverb facility, then we'd be there.
We haven't got a posse, though.
We don't have a posse.
We should get an obsequious Black Squadron posse to laugh in an unmediated way.
James laughs sometimes.
He smiles at some of our dog rubbish.
It should also be pointed out that we had hundreds of emails from people aged between 17 and 25 writing in to correct things.
Yes, yes, yes.
I know, but I get the feeling, you know, we're going to reveal the results of Song Wars later on.
And I get the feeling that it's going to be a bit of a week of rubbing Dr. Buckle's face.
I don't get that.
I don't get that feeling at all.
I think I would put money that you have absolutely won Song Wars.
Yeah, well, we're going to be revealing that about
In about half an hour, just after 11 o'clock, we're going to be doing retro text the nation in a second.
Well, not a second.
I mean, like in a minute or in a few minutes, maybe.
But first, here is friend of the show, beautiful, beautiful human being.
She's beautiful.
And top notch, lovely, folky woman, Emmy the Great.
This is Iris.
Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense!
she is lovely and we love her that's emi the great and the track is called iris from her new album virtue out on the 13th of june that's so far away it's such a long time to wait maybe she'll be in glastonbury this year and if we're there perhaps we can uh hook up for some uh cakes or something
Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.
It's retro textination time and we are getting a lot of very nice and beautifully crafted jingles being sent in.
Yeah and they're sort of fitting into a groove because last week we played an amazing sort of cover of Bowie's Space Oddity.
Ashes to Ashes from Sam.
Oh, Ashes to Ashes, I'm sorry.
Yeah, that was so beautifully put together and such a great sounder-like.
And now this week we've got another kind of Bowie-esque version.
This is from a fellow called Craig.
He says, here's my Bowie-esque retro Texanation jingle recorded today, a riposte to Sam's excellent Ashes to Ashes.
It's a bit long, but as the retro Texanation jingle is the greatest jinglest jingle in jingledom,
As Adam will agree, he puts in insulting brackets there.
I didn't want to mess with it too much.
Oh no!
He wanted to make it much, much, much longer.
Why would you want to mess with the greatest jingle in jingle-dom?
Still, had to cut the first line, though, or it would have been... I love jingle-dom.
How long?
I actually live... I'm going there this afternoon.
I live in jingle-dom.
My work.
Live and work in jingle-dom.
Where I'm a lowly serf.
Anyway, so let's fire off Craig's amazing Bowie-inspired jingle right now.
I, I used to feel acute frustration, cause I couldn't
Sanctions nation
That is amazing, Craig.
Thank you so much.
That's, I mean, what a talented guy.
Yeah.
And a brilliant impression.
But what a jingle.
I mean, what a jingle to inspire that kind of devotion.
It's amazing.
It's just amazing how strong and important that jingle is and how powerful it is.
Certainly seems to mean a lot to a lot of people.
Because other people make jingles and I mean jingle after jingle after jingle and they just don't seem to catch on like that one does.
It's amazing.
No they don't seem to connect.
Such a great jingle.
Wow.
In the same way all of mine.
Mind blowing really.
Do they?
Okay, so retrotexanation is dealing with last week's texanation subject, which was body fiddles, and we were inundated with all kinds of variously interesting and revolting fiddles.
We're not going to reveal too many of the really horrible ones.
But these are quite fun, aren't they?
These are just little body ticks that you do just to pass the time.
Like yesterday, I found myself doing the double knee jiggle.
Double knees!
Because I was really going for it.
I wasn't watching but then I realised everything was trembling around me and I realised I had both going da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
We like fiddles that you can do at home with no kind of proppage there might be one or two with some props But why don't you try these at home?
Maybe you'll find a brand new fiddle.
That's the one for you like as you do menu and said Hey, what?
Excuse me Here's a bit of fun that I think a lot of people have with their nose Dear Adam and Joe says Alan a man from woking and sorry I have a deeply satisfying fidget that my wife finds incredibly irritating if I pull out my nasal hair of which I have copious amounts
I can sometimes make myself sneeze.
I find the petit mal of the sneeze both satisfying and addictive.
So I keep pulling out hairs and making myself sneeze until either my wife shouts at me to stop or I bring on a nosebleed.
Is that a fiddle?
It doesn't feel like you can repeat that often enough.
He's got a lot of nose hairs and they keep growing back.
I mean, now we're going to get a doctor's sale.
And he sneezes every time.
Poing!
If you do it in the right way, and from the right area, you can get a very nice little sneeze going there.
This is something Dr. Buckles does as well.
Once or twice I've done it.
It's fun.
I am totally addicted to doing this, says Alan, and cannot stop myself.
My son also has a similar thing whereby he has completely removed all the hair from one of his eyebrows.
No, that's just a problem.
It is a problem.
We don't know why, and we can't stop him!
Love you, bye!
Says Alan.
That's not a fiddle, that's a problem.
That's no good.
You can't stop that.
Don't do that.
The way to stop that is just to stop doing it.
Right, it's not that easy though sometimes, is it?
You have to maybe pluck both of them and then just start painting your eyebrows.
That's not what you want to encourage in your young son though, I don't think necessarily.
Is there anything wrong with plucking your eyebrows and painting them if you're a young man?
Here we go.
Here's another one that comes from Rob McLeod who's a project designer in design office.
I love designers This email is entitled my mate Alan Hello, Adam and Joe my mate Alan who I've known since we were children has two odd things Which he still does now and we're 28 one.
He jumps up and down clapping his hands when he is excited for long periods of time
How long are we talking about here?
He doesn't say.
Number two.
If we play anything very physical that requires coordination, like basketball, he pulls a crazy face.
He lifts his eyebrows as high as possible.
I'm doing this now.
Opens his eyes wide.
Opens his mouth very wide.
Exposing all his teeth.
And sticks his tongue out really far.
It's like a sort of Maori war face.
This is what I'm imagining Alan doing.
Is that his name?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love the show and would love it if you read this out as it would make my palette work.
Think I'm brilliant.
If not, fair do's.
Love and regards, Rob McLeod.
Is that a fiddle?
Who chose these?
Like Patrick and SpongeBob.
They're so big.
The sneezing, the nose hair plucking, the jumping up and down.
They're so loud.
Here's one that it's written in a kind of... Written?
It's written in a sort of modern day Russell Brand style patois.
Ah.
Adman and Joscon.
This is from Lee Hickman from Oz Squadron.
He's out there in Australia, mate.
He says, I wear big glasses... I'm going to read it exactly as it's written, right?
I wear big glasses, pon me eye earls.
They is right annoyin' and oft on come slippin' down me nose innit.
Anyways right, I am like always pushin' me goggles back up with me finger.
Thing is right, when me puts me contacts in, I forgets all about it and carry on pushin' up on me non-existent glasses like.
I think people reckon I'm buffin' me nose or summin'.
It gets me well vexed.
Thanks ever so love you.
Bye Lee Hinckman mail or squadron really understand any of that I just enjoyed the the noises the goggles the words.
It's like an email from Dick Van Dyke Here's one from Michael clapham in Manchester.
Hello chaps.
This one requires patience at times of boredom and lethargy I'm prone to sticking the first inch of my tongue out and
from the safety of my mouth and sealing it off with my lips so that the tip of my tongue is exposed to the harsh outside world and the remainder is left in the safety of my mouth.
I try to go about two minutes without returning the little fella home which makes it really rather dry and seems to expose the taste buds.
It is a strange sensation to feel part of your tongue completely added, but returning it to its oral sheath is hugely satisfying.
The drying out process can be sped up by exhaling from the nostrils onto the tongue.
You then achieve a kind of two-tone tongue, which feels very strange and nice when you wiggle it about before popping it back in your gob.
Try it.
It makes your own saliva taste yummy.
Smooches.
Michael Clapham from Manchester.
Yeah, I got that song out.
It went out for about a minute.
There's another minute though, right?
You've got to seal it off with your tongue.
You've got to like, you know, seal it off.
Yeah, I don't think it's one for us to do live.
We can do it during a record and try it out.
Have you got another one?
Seems quite nice.
This is from Lauren.
She's a girl from Yorkshire.
Dear Adam and Joe, I heard your show for the first time yesterday on the podcast as my boyfriend listens to your show regularly.
Anyway, I thought you were... Oh, no, this is the wrong thing.
I'm so sorry.
Hang on a second.
Do you want me to jump in here?
My page numbers have come out of whack.
Do you need me to jump in?
No, I got it.
I wanted to jump in.
All good.
You can jump in if you want.
Don't want to anymore.
This is from...
I'm going to jump in.
Lou from Bradford who is a girl says dear Adam and Joe while going to sleep I slip my little toe in and out of the two largest toes on the opposite foot I repeat I slip my little toe on one foot in and out of the two largest toes on the opposite foot
I find it soothing.
I do that, yeah.
That sounds nice to me.
That is nice.
Here's one from Janine Shroff, and she says, I like to take a small but long strip of hair left side of head only and always the same bit of hair.
I can always find it.
and run my fingers down, not through it, until it's perfectly smooth and silky.
Then I like to loop the strip with one hand only, then stroke the back of my left ear once, and then the back of my neck once with the smooth loop.
Sometimes, after much smoothening – is that a word?
Yes it is – I like to stick the strand backwards over my ear, almost to Princess Leah but more crazy, and then I make my girlfriend look at it and force her to praise me insincerely.
Then I start smoothing it again.
If it's not perfectly smooth, the sensation is ruined!
Toodles!
Janine.
Thanks very much, Janine.
That's a good fiddle.
Thank you very much to everybody who sent in their fiddles.
There'll be a new Text-A-Nation subject coming up very soon.
Yeah, here's the Beastie Boys right now.
Let's just make some noise!
beep beep beep.
The country's getting some much needed rainfall.
Much needed.
It's good for the farmers, they've had a very dry... It's been the hottest April since records began.
Yeah, and the earth needs a little bit of moisturising, so that's nice.
But the summer is on its way, and with it, festival season, and BBC6 Music are going to be representing to the max at the Mighty Glastonbury Festival this year.
Here's just some of the bands you can look forward to hearing from there.
You two.
Oh.
I want reactions to all of these, Joe.
Whoa.
The Coldplay.
Beyonce.
That's not my opinion, actually, because I quite like Beyonce.
Sure.
Primal Scream.
Chemical Brothers.
Queens of the Stone Age.
Sorry.
Fleet Foxes.
No, what?
Laura Marley.
What was that?
I was just wandering past a pond.
Sure.
And I think we're going to be there as well.
In fact, we're going to be finishing our sort of season, whatever you want to call it, our run of shows.
Our summer season on the pier.
It's going to be finishing.
We're going to be doing three shows, I think.
Friday morning afternoon.
I'm very excited.
So am I. I cannot wait.
I've got a feeling in my bones it's going to be a very good one.
A classic one.
A classic one.
bit of rain, bit of sunshine, I'm sure you too and Coldplay will play about a blinder and- Joy and pain, sunshine and rain.
That's all you need isn't it?
In fact Lauren Laverne was there yesterday at Worthy Farm, home of the Evers family, and if you missed the show you can listen again on the iPlayer of course, and Lauren kicked off our Glastonbury coverage kind of early we have to say.
even though you know it's just May now Glastonbury is going to be taking place on the 24th and to the 26th of June for the third year running six music will be there and hope to see you down there but here is something that happened at Lauren's show it was the Gillamonts they were playing live for the program and this is their cover I'm assuming it's a cover of the Beatles Tomorrow Never Knows.
Gilamot's there, live on Lauren Laverne's show yesterday on BBC 6Music.
That's their cover of Tomorrow Never Knows.
Adam and Joe here on 6Music.
Now, Joe, you're a Bronholm fan, right?
I love Pierce Brosnan.
I mean, I think it's safe to say we both love Bronholm, but you're a particular aficionado of his noises.
Yes.
And excortations.
Yes.
Mainly the non-verbal ones.
I like every noise he makes.
non sort of the more articulate or the less articulate the better really from Bonham he articulates he's a terribly good grunter with his grunts yeah and when it comes to playing Bond in particular it's very important to grunt if you're doing something exerting some sort of effort yeah killing someone saying something witty getting taller yourself up yeah
It's a trick that Craig misses.
Yeah.
Did you ever see the film Taffyn?
I've heard of the film Taffyn.
Early Bronham.
Eighties.
1988.
He is an Irish tough guy debt collector asked by his local community to help rid the town of developers bent on building a chemical plant on the outskirts of town.
Now why did you end up watching Taffyn?
Well last weekend I did a gig, it was called Sod Cancer and it was a charity thing and I was there with a lot of wonderful comedians and in the green room we were bantering after we went on and did our sets and I was talking to lovely Dave Armand and Justin Edwards and they were talking about Taffy and I was saying oh yeah I watched Taffy and they asked why did you watch Taffy and they called up this clip on YouTube
and I understood why they'd watched Taffy.
Here is Bronholm delivering a line in just about the most extraordinary way conceivable, in only the way that Bronholm can.
And it sounds as if like at the beginning of this very short clip, he's saying it's none of your business or something and the word business is cut off.
That's the way it actually appears in the film.
It's not just a quirk of the clip.
Here he is.
What goes on in this town is none of your business.
As long as I'm living here, it is.
Then maybe you shouldn't be living here!
Ooh!
That's a good way to make a point.
That's good, isn't it?
Yeah.
I mean, he's shouting and he's elongating.
So you're a director, right?
What would you, how would you feel once... It'd be great.
Move on, move on, move on.
Exactly.
Done.
In the bag, in the can.
Would you ask him to try it any other ways?
No, can I hear it again even?
Can we please hear it again?
What goes on in this town is none of your business.
As long as I'm living here it is!
Then maybe you shouldn't be living here!
I like that it's what she just said right back at her.
We don't know the what's the context?
We don't know the context.
Maybe that kind of emotion is justified.
Is it what's going down in Taffyn when that why?
I think it's in the last third of the film and things are getting tense and clearly
Maybe you shouldn't be li- No, like, what other ways could he have said the line?
He presumably started- do you think he, like, built to that pitch and started, well, maybe you shouldn't be living here?
Well, that's- I mean- And then built it up.
Maybe you shouldn't be living here.
Then maybe you shouldn't be living here.
No, no, no, that's, I mean, no, no, no, no, no.
How does he do it then?
He's, correctly, he's absolutely at the end of his tether.
Sure.
As, you know, as a director, and I know all about acting, and what he's doing there is... Don't generally listen to this program.
What's happening?
That's someone else.
He's pushing it right to the very edge, and the next thing as an actor, he would do is burst into tears.
Right.
There's nowhere else to go there.
I'm so unhappy!
That's the next thing you do on the acting spectrum.
Then maybe you shouldn't be living here!
Another thing he could do is just vomit.
Just start smashing everything up at that point.
Just freaking out.
He could smack, punching people, throwing furniture around, throwing vases, headbutting windows.
He's going argh!
doing a raspberry that's what Brando would do and then puke yes on himself let's just have him once more on his own again James then maybe you shouldn't be living here yes it's good isn't it that that's another reason we're becoming such excellent wacky Saturday morning DJs like repeatedly playing clips and stuff we could drop that clip in like unexpectedly later in the show I think that's a good idea it's a good idea exactly what's gonna happen here's talking heads this is blind
It's time for song wars The war of the songs A couple of tunes by a couple of prongs Which will you vote for?
Which one is the best?
We're putting our songs to the listener test So check it out
So yes, just over a week ago, Willy and Katie were married and the nation celebrated and we composed songs in their honour here on the Adam and Jo BBC6 music programme and we asked you to vote for which one you liked best.
We played them in full on last week's show and thank you very much indeed for emailing throughout the week with your votes.
Here's just a few of the comments that came in.
We've been handed these by James so he has offered us
a couple of comments for our songs each, so we don't know how the voting has gone.
It's been kind of kept from us, although a few of them trickled through in some of the emails I noticed.
I think I've got a good sense of how it's gone.
Well, the only ones that I read throughout the week were voting for Joe's.
I disagree.
I saw nothing but people voting for you and I saw tweets saying how hilarious the Queen's Laura Laura song was.
I haven't finished yet.
And on the blog, which I look at... Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense!
Hey, hey, hey, you don't know whether this is nonsense.
On the blog, a lot of people posting comments on the blog underneath these songs were voting for the Queen.
I didn't see that.
I just think people have a lot of respect for her Madge.
Sure they do.
And when they hear her singing in that way, they respect her and wish to vote for her because they're good patriotic citizens.
Alternatively, should the song by the Queen turn out to be a treasonous, ribald spoof, then he who sang such a song should be executed for treason.
Have his crown jewels chopped off?
Yes.
Well, a few people I noticed emailing in and saying, you know, I only started listening to the show recently and I don't understand why the Queen sounds like a kind of...
reached the point where it now alienates anybody who hasn't been listening for a year there's so much to explain now there's no there's not room for any more passengers on board no not really for the next bus so it's it's it's a long story why the queen sounds like that she just does all right
It's because she presented Blind Date for years.
But yeah, here are some balanced responses.
You read out the ones for mine, I'll read out the ones for yours.
Okay, but I've got a different one for mine for the second one because, you know, this is another indicator that maybe I've lost because this one doesn't really talk about my song.
Oh, right.
It just happens to say my name in it.
It says from Jenny Ross, woo, go Joe.
Me and my friends just returned from a Duke of Edinburgh expedition that we got through by singing your jingles and doing impressions of you.
Thanks for the entertainment.
We love you guys.
Yeah, you're right.
She's not really talking about my song.
Here's one from Yassa M in Canada.
Adam clearly won.
His mastery of the English language and complete ignorance of the Queen's actual voice made his song truly sensational.
Here's one from Steph in Redcar.
It was a very hard choice.
I decided to let my parrot Charlie choose which one to vote for, and although she danced to both, she danced more to Joe's.
Sorry, Adam.
You see, so all I get is somebody who's actually not writing about the song and a parrot.
Well, I should have kept some of the ones I read during the week.
Sorry, you've got one there.
Here's another one for you from Jay in London.
This is the best song Adam has ever written.
I think it should be the national anthem once the Prince of Willys becomes king.
Yeah.
I mean, I read, I swear to you, I read so many more that was set.
There was one very rude one actually from a guy saying they were both, uh, rubbish.
You didn't use the word rubbish.
Um, but I would definitely go for Joe's.
Lots of people really enjoyed Joe's.
But we have the envelope here with the official results.
What an envelope.
This is the first Song Wars envelope we've had for a while and some real effort has been put in by James and Lucy and Tom, our team.
It's in a properly sealed envelope which says confidential property of the big British castle.
It's properly addressed with a six music sticker.
I'm going to open it now, this is very exciting.
Joe is removing the results from the envelope.
Oh, Joe gets 41%, Adam 59.
Ooh, just scrapes it.
Count Bicules is the winner.
I got a bigger vote than I still have yet.
Yes!
You know what, I got quite depressed yesterday reading all the comics.
I swear to you, I literally only read ones where people loved your song and were voting for that one.
I just thought, I'm going to get trounced!
I can't believe it, I killed myself doing that song!
Luckily, it's turned out fine.
So now my song is going to be erased from history.
Black squadron squads will be visiting your house, kicking in your front door.
But that is a close result.
Demagnetising your hard drives to get rid of my song.
I'm very grateful to everyone.
I think your song is disgusting and insulting to the Queen.
My parents-in-law said, is your song disrespectful?
They heard, they said, what are you doing on your radio program this week?
I said, oh, we're doing, cause I don't think they listened to the show.
My dad said something along those lines as well.
I said, we're doing songs for Kate and Wills.
He said, don't be too cruel.
Exactly.
Well, they said, I hope it's not disrespectful.
And I'm not sure if they're... Mums and dads know the bottom line.
Republicans or not, but I said, no, it's not too disrespectful.
I think it's disrespectful and disgusting, and I don't think we should play it.
Well, here it is.
We should play mine instead.
And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, performing her own special musical tribute of a happy couple, her royal match highness, the Queen.
Once upon a time in a lovely university Lived a lovely couple called Willie and Katie They fell in love when Katie showed her pants at the party And then they went on telly to appear on Blinder Data If you were a princess, what kind were you boy?
Be a really lovely one, I promise you your majesty I won't fix introductions for suitcases and money Or do a sketch on Red Nose Day, even if it's really funny Thanks a lot, Chuck, that sounds good to me Graham, slide the curtain back, I think we'll go for Katie Willy and Katie, Katie and Willy
You're going to have a long and lonely life, just don't be silly.
Keita, Prince of Willys, Will and Princess Keita.
Just follow my instructions please, I am the head of Stata.
Don't get a stupid butler, who rifles through your pants.
He'll end up in the jungle with their clan of neons.
Stay clear of Piers Morgan, and done the sleazy pen.
Don't wanna see Andy Morton or Martin Bashir again.
Sometimes a life of a princess, can be a royal pain in the parts, a lullicating.
Meeting boring people, asking what they do, pretending that you're interested, smiling for the cameras.
When all you want to do is say you're all boring farts Willy and Kitty, Kitty and Willy Welcome, Willy, Kitty to a happy family Kitty Prince of Willy's, Willa Princess Kitty Laura, Laura, Lily, Coppola or Plunder Data Kitty, Kitty, Kitty Willy, Willy, Wills
Don't dress up as Nazis!
Don't get hooked on pills!
K.T.'
's on the plate, and Willie's on the cob!
There's a lot of people watching you, so please don't screw this up!
Imagine Kate and... Awful.
Insulting.
Awful.
So rude.
I mean, they're a young couple getting married.
They had no choice.
The Queen has worked so hard all over all.
She's such a modest, respected woman and I just think that's so disgusting and sad.
Aw, come on.
Hey!
She's back in the studio.
No, I love it.
I think it's brilliant.
She sounds a bit tired.
It's been an exhausting week.
So tired.
All the lovely cars and presents coming in.
Put me in a cool special place for presents.
Thank you for the presents.
Oh, nice t-shirt mate.
Oh, thank you.
Your match.
Yes?
Um, seeing as you're here, where can you reveal any royal scoops?
Do you know where the couple will be going for their honeymoon?
Here they go.
Send the pox.
It's nice there.
Big doll, Minnie.
And all the lovely, lovely swimming pool.
That's very exciting.
There's other parks available.
There's space in all parks?
There's other parks available with a tower, Minnie.
And they must have made a mess.
Was it tough clearing up after the party?
Oh, it's a lot a lot a mess, mate.
Choc, sorry, lollipop, lollipop, some piece of wood.
Did that, was there any, were there any wine stains on the wallpaper or anything bad?
There's a Laura vomiting on the carpet from the Duke of Prince of Edinburgh will listen to scrub and scrub, get that off.
Did you do some of that scrubbing yourself, your man?
I'm a scrubber.
What?
Even when it comes to stains, that is.
What, Laura, bye!
Disgusting and insulting.
Here's justice with civilization.
Justice, they are French from France, did you know?
Yeah, I did know.
I very much like their song Stress.
That's got an incredible video.
Have you ever seen the video about Stress by Justice?
It's quite scary, but it's amazingly clever and really cool.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's got lots of yobs running around beating people up and vandalising things.
That would be a very, very superficial interpretation of it.
Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense!
Yes, please.
Come on James, you've got to be Haggard Hossa on the button now.
No, it's too late, it's too late, it's too late, too late, too late, too late.
If we're going to be a wacky Saturday morning show, you've got to have your big fluffy jingle button.
Then maybe you shouldn't be living here!
Not just, not just, not just!
No, you see, this is terrible.
That's a pile up.
We're no good at being wacky Saturday morning DJs.
We've got Texanation coming up in a few minutes, but first it's 11.30 here on 6music and time for the news.
This is very distorted.
It's very sloppy.
Doesn't that need to be digitally remastered?
All over the place.
They're not going to amount to a hill of beans, that lot.
Of boobs.
A tiny hill of boobs.
That's what they might amount to.
That's the who.
Whoever they are.
It's funny because of course they're a big band.
Listeners, it's now... I'm ignoring you.
Listeners, it's now time for this week's Text the Nation.
Text the Nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the Nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the Nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
And Text the Nation is the part of the show listeners when we give you a subject and you text it in to us what you think about it.
And the text number is 64046.
The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
Now sometimes on Text the Nation we have a subject that generates so much correspondence that it seems criminally, ludicrously insane
just to leave it alone there.
And about two years ago, we did a thing on Texanation about public pretending, we called it.
Little games you play with yourself when you're out and about, just to, you know, sort of charades you play.
How would you describe it, Joe?
Well, it's sort of the theatre of public spaces, isn't it?
And for instance, some of the good ones I remember from last time are, if you're waiting for a friend in a particular public place, the friend doesn't turn up
and you start getting self-conscious about why you're standing there or for instance if you're in a restaurant alone waiting to order but your friend hasn't turned up you might do some quite exaggerated watch looking at yes well here is some table tapping to make it clear to everyone around you that you're waiting for somebody bit of public pretending here's Lauren she's a girl from Yorkshire
And she's a new listener to the show.
She says, hi, Adam and Joe.
I heard your show for the first time yesterday on the podcast as my boyfriend listens to your show regularly.
Anyway, I thought you were very funny and you reminded me of odd things I do as well.
Here are a few.
When in an area in which I feel unsafe, I pretend that I am an undercover policewoman and talk into my collar so people will think I'm covering some important police job and I've got backup.
I have actually done this and consider myself to be a normal person, and now I've written it down, it seems a bit mentile.
When my parents wouldn't allow me to have a dog – here's another example – when my parents wouldn't allow me to have a dog, I got over it by perusing the dog food aisle in supermarkets so that people would at least think I had a dog.
I'm bored and I have a hangover.
I like the talking into your color one.
That's very good.
I've got a confession to make.
I used to years ago, I had a charger for my, you know, little MP3 player in my car and it plugged into the cigarette lighter and it had one of those windy cables.
And if I saw someone driving very badly,
or someone I was angry with.
I would hold my phone in my hand and I would use the wiry cord to stretch between my hand and the dashboard and I'd jog into it as if I was a policeman.
And it used to work because there's something about the wiry cord that looks official.
You must have training.
And people would look at me and then look again and look frightened and move away.
He's got a wiry cord.
He's a policeman.
He's an undercover policeman.
He's got a loopy cord.
Only the Faz Brigade have got the springy cords.
That's pathetic, isn't it?
And I used to feel so pathetic after I did it, but then when people gave me the double take I used to think, yes!
They were doing a double take thinking, that Wally thinks he's a policeman.
That Wally thinks he's a policeman.
Hey look darling, there's a Wally over there, he thinks he's a cop.
He'd be right.
Here's one from Rhianne Owens.
Hi Adam and Joe.
I thought a good idea for text the nation one week might be secret competition so that's a sort of another way of saying public pretending.
It's a little subsection.
I was chatting to my brother about how sometimes I start races with other people in the general public.
For example, if I get off the train at the same time as someone else, I think, I'll race you to the top of the stairs.
And I get very competitive even though the other person doesn't know they're in a race.
My brother replied that he used to have a race called the Notting Hill Gate Derby.
It had rules like no running and a start and finish line.
Thought this might be a fun thing to ask the listeners.
So that's public pretending.
You're pretending you're in a race with your fellow commuters up the escalator to make your commute more exciting.
Yeah, they don't know about it and you do.
The other thing I used to do, which maybe I talked about last time we did this, was a little similar to yours, and it's a tactic I use sometimes to avoid conversations with taxi drivers.
You know, you get into a black cab, and what I used to do when I used to live in London and took more black cabs was listen to my MP3 player or whatever, but then I would make notes as if I was a kind of A&R guy.
And I'm so busy, I've got to make notes about all the things I'm listening to.
This is a good band.
Gonna go far.
We got to get them for the label.
That kind of thing.
What?
Because... Would you be like nodding your head along to the music?
That kind of thing.
It's all designed to... Good lyrics.
This band gonna be big.
So you're aiming it at the driver so you're assuming he's going to look in the wing mirror and he sees this man nodding his head with his headphones in making notes.
Exactly.
Oh I better not talk to that geezer because he's a busy A&R man from a big record company.
So I won't spout my racist drivel this time.
I'll just let him get on with it.
Would you be actually making notes, writing things down?
Obviously not all taxi drivers are racists.
That was a little bit of a reductive characterisation.
Would you be making real notes?
Sometimes I did make notes, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
OK, so you get the general idea, listeners.
The text number is 64046.
The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk for our second visit to the extraordinary, mysterious interior world of public pretending.
And now it's time to head to the Appalachian Mountains and listen to some lovely Fleet Foxes.
This is Grown Ocean.
Yeah, they've been out sucking on licorice canes and kindling wood that they got from an old Indian man with a crow on his hat.
Good singing there, fellas.
Somebody put the beans on.
a mess of catfish and grits.
Who goes getting dipping in the gulch?
I'm going to make a new guitar out of this old turtle.
I found an old turtle.
I'm going to make a guitar out of it and write a song about turtles.
I'm going to go fetch me some snake oil and then pour it on a jackrabbit.
And then hang out with the crazy priest from Sassafras.
He's turned into the chap from Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, wait.
Yeah, that guy.
Is she a great big fat person?
Oh, wait, the guy from Fleet Foxes?
Yeah.
Are they the same people?
Oh, I think maybe... Say the thing about the basket.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
The Fleet Foxes could never change their sound really, could they?
Oh, wait.
Is she a great big fat person?
Not really.
I mean, well, they change.
They're subtle changes.
Are there subtle changes between that album and the previous album?
Yeah.
They've got the same echo.
They've got a very particular acoustic.
They record all their albums in the same cave in the Appalachian Mountains.
That's right.
Bit of Fleet Foxes fun there here on BBC's Six Music.
Now, you know what I would really like to hear?
is some kind of a trail about a show that's coming up on this station how about it it'll never happen
Where's my keyboard when I need it?
I could have enormously enhanced the closing passages of this song.
Enormously enhanced my closing passages?
What?
That still sounds like the future though, that song.
It does, it certainly does.
I mean, do you think young people, some of this Phantom 17-25 demographic that apparently loves this show, do you think they're listening to that and thinking, boy, that sounds like granddad music?
I can't believe they are because to me it sounds like solid gold future powder.
Good.
Depeche mode there of course.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
It was a beautiful weekend last weekend across most of the country and there was an atmosphere of great celebration but in my neighbourhood in South London this resulted in a local person having a party.
and an outdoor party that started at about, in fact it was going when I got back from this programme at about 2pm, 2.30pm.
Always good.
And I'll tell you a bit more about that in a second but here's a text we received from an anonymous correspondent.
Please Adam and Joe, please help me.
My neighbours a few doors away have a very powerful PA system and last night decided to test how loud it could go while having a karaoke party till two in the morning in the garden.
My house is double glazed, my walls have been cavity insulated, my loft space has a huge amount of insulation in it, all doors and windows were shut, and yet still, the noise level penetrating through my entire house was akin to being in a tent at a festival very close to the main stage.
Being a fairly responsible parent I was unable to aid mine or my children's sleep the way festival goers do and instead the three of us had to suffer lying in bed being subjected to banging beats and appalling singing while desperately trying to blot out the horrendous noise using television and headphones.
Today we're all very tired and still rage-filled at their idiotic audacity.
Besides pleading to two well-respected comic geniuses, that's very nice of you, don't know who you're talking about, film makers and DJs such as yourself, what can I do?
and so there is an anonymous plea and that struck a chord with me because last weekend when I got home from the show literally my entire neighborhood like three or four blocks were pounding with dreadful euro house or from one from one yeah yeah and as I got out of the car I spotted
My neighbour, who's a gentleman in his 70s or even early 80s, lovely man, quite ill recently, but he was walking around clearly trying to find the source of this noise, because my neighbourhood is like a little echo chamber, and it's quite hard to tell where the music might be coming from.
So I ran along and caught up with him.
and eventually we cut through some gardens and got to the source of this noise and my house backs on the garden of my house there's lots of it's almost like a giant set of allotments you know divided into you know how what London gardens are like sure you get lots of backing onto each other yeah exactly so we eventually found the garden where this noise was coming from and the site that met our eyes was basically one man
a dog and a baby in a quite large garden.
And he'd set up a table.
He was obviously building up for his big Barbie.
And he had also a PA system.
And this seems to be a new thing, like a proper, massive club sized speaker that he'd run out from his kitchen.
And he was just playing utterly, utterly deafening, dreadful, your house, funky house.
So I started shouting.
I kind of stood up on a wall and I started shouting.
can you turn it down can you turn it down please and i had to shout at the top of my voice i was i could only just be heard and he like he had a little sort of trilby you know and shorts and he turned around and looked at me as if i was some sort of mental case aggressive nut case yeah and he was like what what i was like turn that down you're ruining everyone's weekend there's families around here you're deafening the entire neighborhood
And this guy starts getting angry at me.
Right.
As if I am some sort of fascist man.
That's top p-doc, man.
The con is the party pooper.
Notorious in this area.
I blame the Beastie Boys for releasing the track Fight For Your Right To Party, because this guy started to sort of get sort of agitated and self-righteous as if he had the right to play this incredibly loud.
And literally in every house for three or four blocks, you couldn't hear yourself think.
You need to fight for your right to stop the party.
Cups were vibrating and everything.
Anyway, that doesn't really have much of a punchline in this story.
Well, eventually he turned it down and then his girlfriend came out looking very indignant with her hand on her hips.
Why has the euro been turned down?
And her question was, why are you shouting at us?
The answer to which was because you're playing music so loudly that even to have the most basic communication I have to yell at the top of my voice.
We're part of a community, guys.
And she was going, why can't we have a party?
What's wrong with having a party?
Don't we have a right to have a party?
And you start to think, you know, I'm a bit divided about this because
I love a good party but at the same time it's weird isn't it that people seem to think that the right that one individual's right to have an amazingly good time supersedes everyone else's right to choose whether to have a good time or not.
I just wondered whether any listeners had any techniques for diffusing or dealing with that kind of thing because I do feel myself being on both sides of the argument a bit.
I don't want to be a party pooper but at the same time I don't think one individual has the right to impose their party
on an entire six or seven blocks of South London.
Absolutely.
And then conversely, do you not find that when you're at parties at friends houses and they're cranking it way up and you can't hear each other speak and that's annoying, but also you feel bad for the neighbours yourself.
There's nothing you can do about it because you call the council and they do nothing.
You've got to, they tell you, well, do a diary and write down every time this happens.
And if it happens like consistently for about 10 weeks, then you might have a case.
noisy nightmare neighbours.
There's nothing you can do.
People seem to be able to just... The only thing you can do is just try and go round there and reason with them and not lose your temper.
But that's what I'm after.
Tactics.
Good tactics to reason with people.
It's outrageous.
I can't enjoy myself at a party if the music is that loud and I think people are being bothered.
You know what we should become?
We should become DJs at a music station because we love music so much.
Yeah, that's a good idea!
Let's do that!
And we could play stuff like this.
This is Two Door Cinema Club.
I can talk Adam and Joe here on BBC six music and we've just pushed through the noon barrier
She's gonna thank you for naming a rock and roll mate.
It's just a tip.
That's the seed with no No, the track is called the seed isn't asked by roots with Cody chestnut there Adam and Joe here on BBC six music Let's have some traveling tales fire off the jingle James.
Why not?
Yeah.
Um, here's a message right now from Tom Disney.
He's a mailman from Liverpool, male human man.
He says recently whilst I sat on the bus, uh, I felt a drop of water land on my head.
Nearly every bus in Liverpool is old and leaky.
And as it was raining, I didn't think much of it.
Then I felt something trickle down my neck and back, which was warm turning around.
Turning around, I was met with the sight of a big German Shepherd – a dog, not a man – that had climbed up on the seat behind me with its head above mine, slowly drooling.
I froze with disgust as the dog proceeded to lick my face.
The owner just sat there smiling, staring ahead with a faint smile.
I don't mind dogs, but animal drool is several steps too far.
I went mad, and in my rage, the only thing I could shout was
bus chairs are for humans not dog seats which doesn't make much sense but she had the cheek to reply if you got a problem I'm gonna do a Liverpool accent if you got a problem go sit somewhere else when are you gonna do the Liverpool accent I don't know maybe never I wasn't able to think of a comeback so I did go and sit somewhere else I felt sick for the rest of the day Tom Disney
Was he wearing his MP3 headphones, do you think?
Because I don't believe that.
You don't reckon?
I think if a huge diamond shepherd was at its port, you'd be conscious of it, you'd smell it.
I mean, imagine if Boggins, imagine if it was Boggins.
Do you remember Boggins, the dog that used to come into this studio?
Yeah, vaguely, yeah.
You remember the smell.
Imagine if it was Boggins.
I mean, you would not have to wait for Boggins to dribble down your neck before you were aware of his presence.
Well, you'd know it was Boggins immediately because he'd be biting the back of your legs and, you know, doing a little... Yeah, and the stench, I mean, the stench would be extraordinary.
You don't believe that.
I mean... Well, unless he had his MP3 headphones in, then you're sort of totally cut off to everything, aren't you?
Hmm.
You don't want a German Shepherd to roll down your back.
Yucky doodles.
Give us another one.
Well, you know, a lot of people have been communicating about conductors.
Oh, the announcement we played last week.
We played a clip of an announcement someone had recorded on a train, the guy that tells you what station's coming up, and no one could tell whether this chap was a robot or a human.
Let's just remind ourselves.
Mmm, Tadman Corner.
He doesn't like that situation very much.
Well...
Lucy Carruthers says, I was delighted to hear the train carriage footage on your show last week.
It brought back happy memories.
I've shared that same real person.
He's not a robot.
Uh, he's a driver or a conductor on a last train from London bridge to Peckham rye, or as he announced it Peckham rime.
He's the best train driver ever, and he succeeded in making me laugh.
Apologies for said laughter on the attached sound file.
Are we playing the one with the laughter?
Okay, here it is.
So she's recorded him as well?
Yeah, a little clip.
Cool.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your sound service to Norwood Junction.
The next station stowaway pattern... fine.
That's good.
Is that the same guy?
How does he say that?
The next station stop will be back.
Is that the same guy?
Is this the same guy?
On the same train.
Wow, this guy's amazing.
Can we hear that once more?
That is insane.
He's got skills.
He should be on six music.
He should genuinely be.
He should come and do.
Can we make contact with that guy?
Because he has got a voice for radio and those are skills that kind of intonation is not easy to do.
And he's applying a lot of voiceover skills.
He's elongating, he's curtailing, he's distributing emphasis in a peculiar manner.
He could be the identity.
king he's old school he's new school he's got he's got so much skill there and it really should be tapped here's a message from Matt he says dear Adam and Joe your bit last week about the train announcement reminded me of a ticket collector on the Shrewsbury or Shrewsbury train to Birmingham sorry the Shrewsbury to Birmingham line that has its own catchphrase
I recorded this a few months ago he regularly uses the phrase enjoy your train travels as a catchphrase so much so that regular travelers feel let down if they don't get it at the end of the line.
Here's a little clip of him in action.
All exits out of Birmingham new street station this is Birmingham all change here please have a pleasant day and enjoy your train travels.
He does a little gap there, a little force for effect.
And enjoy your train travels.
Man, do you think that the railway network is a secret reservoir of extraordinarily talented vocal stylies?
I mean you get this a lot on planes as well.
You used to get it in buses, sorry to steamroller, you used to get it on buses in the 70s I remember when they had conductors.
I remember as a child there was one that used to go around going, get your hair cut!
Get your hair cut, get your hair cut.
And yeah, you would look forward to these charismatic guys.
Character conductors.
Kind of like a Butlins guy on a coach or making your journey more fun bows.
But to do it on the PA system, that's super cool because then you can employ all sorts of special tonal delivery techniques.
Yeah.
Well, you know, if you want to record your favourite crazy conductor, then sit in.
Now we're like, that's life.
That's cool.
And tell us what train they're on.
Because you never know.
I mean, this could this could build into something.
Yeah, exactly.
We'd like to know what and maybe you know, you could even you could even go further and go and talk to the guy yourself and get a little snap, ask him what his name is and stuff.
So give us his catchphrase.
So we can give some of these people their props.
I mean, British Rail don't exist anymore, which is a shame.
The same company own all the tracks, do they?
Is there some sort of unified company?
I don't know, but if there were, they could have a sort of website which would have pictures of all their charismatic train hosts and their catchphrases, you know.
They could, oh, I don't know, I'm gonna stop now.
I just shut down.
That's good though.
We want to hear from, from you about any of those people.
No, no, no, no.
Stop it.
No, no, no.
Who's that?
I was talking about the guy last week on the phone, on the cinema phone line.
I got Ben Kingsley coming back.
Oh, sexy.
No, no, no.
Stop it.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Gill.
Yes.
Gal.
No, he's called his name.
Gal.
Gal.
Gal is short for Gary, isn't it?
I just suddenly.
Oh, is it?
I thought it was Gale.
G-A-L-E.
No, it's Gal.
Oh really?
I thought it was quite cool that you had a sort of weirdly feminine name for such a macho guy.
We're talking about sexy beasts by the way.
I could never understand that.
Why are they calling him Gale?
No it's Gal short for Gary.
Fancy a little bit of Gomez.
I'd love some Gomez yes please.
Here we are then.
Options.
That was Gomez with, what was it called, Options.
Sorry.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC6 Music.
It is, I'm going to do a time check.
Are you excited?
Love it.
It's 16 minutes past noon.
16 minutes past noon.
Either.
Way through the noon barrier.
45 minutes left of our show here.
Lots of fun still to come.
We might be doing some made up jokes in a second, but first.
I'm going to throw a can from this side of the room to the other, see if I can get it in that bin.
Nobody cares about that.
Come on, this is good radio.
dammit missed coca-cola over the window just a kind of a segue from the traveling tales someone sent in the jingle that they have in France on the rail network on the SNCF do you know that jingle let me remind you this is what you hear on the railways in France before they make an announcement on the platforms
No way, I haven't I must have not been on a train in France for ages because that sounds almost Japanese, right, right I mean, I think I recognize that I think that's been around for a few years.
It sounds like you done on play it once more
That's nice, isn't it?
But here's a message from James and Sophie who sent that in, they live in London, and they say,
Uh, it's the jingle, the SNCF station jingle in France.
It is obviously made up of four bips.
Da da da da.
But Sophie swears it is only made up of three.
Huh?
How?
From Paris to Nice and back again, for over two years, we have never known peace on this jingle, on the point of this jingle, and it almost broke us up, as I cannot accept that she thinks it's just three bips.
Please conduct to buckles.
Hang on, what's a bip?
Like a note.
A note, yeah.
And please could Dr. Buckles and Dr. Sexy give their expert clinical opinion?
Or boggins, he says.
Let's hear it one more time and count the notes that we got in there.
Well it's, I mean it's fundamentally four isn't it?
So why does she think it's three?
Well because there's a distinction between the vocal and the accompaniment.
Aren't there two musical notes and four vocal notes?
Yeah but if you count those it's even more.
Yeah but they need to get their criteria straight.
Well she I think is thinking that it's...
So the last one is extended sustained has got some kind of modulation going in it or something.
That's how maybe she's justifying it.
But listen, James, I'm on your side with that.
What about you?
I'm on her side.
Are you on her?
You just said it was four though.
No, I'm changing your mind now.
Listen, while I was looking at that clip on the internet, I came across this amazing bit of techno created by someone.
I can't figure out who it was by and I really searched hard.
It was uploaded onto YouTube by a guy called tuning one 50 and it's a really nice,
parody of Kraftwerk meets Air using that SNCF jingle as a base and I thought I might play it for you this afternoon as one of my free plays.
Here it is.
Sounds like a little girl with a flower and a balloon on a bike.
It's actually Lauren Laverne.
And that was from around 10 years ago.
Wow.
With Mint Royale there.
What popular TV show theme did Mint Royale create, Joe?
Arr, Arr, me hearties.
I'm having a pirate arse.
You haven't had a pirate arse for a long time.
I've no idea.
The Priory!
Was it Biker Grove?
The Priory!
Was it Biker Grove?
The theme to the Priory!
The Priory with Zoe Ball and Jamie Thixton.
No one remembers The Priory.
We went on The Priory.
Yeah, no one remembers The Priory.
And we had to, don't you remember, we had like water pistols and we had to water pistol a big cardboard cut out of pot spice.
Anyway, enough of that.
No.
Priory!
No.
Come on, bring it back.
We had an email that we read out earlier from a lady who had an upsetting weekend because of very loud noise from her neighbours.
Her name was Wendy in Plymouth.
Hello, Wendy.
And I was also telling you about my very loud noise experience.
And I was asking people for techniques to deal with extremely loud parties.
When you're a bit divided about it, like me, you like parties, but you don't really want to have one.
Yeah.
Then.
You know, I like to choose when I have my parties.
Sure you do.
Come on then, Jeremy Vine.
Here are one or two bits of advice that have come from various people.
Now where's the really good one?
Oh no!
There was quite an amazing tactic that someone sent through, some complicated lie that they told and they got into an exchange with their neighbours.
I'm going to come back to this because I had such a good email and it's just vanished.
Is it?
It's just completely vanished.
One time, let me tell you, when, years ago when I moved into a very small flat, and it was one of my first flats that I ever got and I was very excited, I had a bit of a party with some friends of mine, and there was a knock on the door from the guy that lived next door, a very nice posh gentleman, and he and his boyfriend were being kept awake by the noise coming from my groovy place.
I felt really bad about it and he was all shaking with rage because he didn't know what kind of person I was because I'd just moved in so he didn't know you know like oh no I've got a nightmare neighbor he didn't realize it was just nice Dr. Buckles.
So anyway the next day the next day I left a nice bottle of wine.
Oh that's very nice doorstep and after that he was all smiles and we became good buddies here it is I found it here's the email morning Adam and Joe regarding your angry music neighbor my friend Dan recently had a few of us staying over at his rural terrace with neighbors on both sides we had the usual night in the pub then we went back to his for a couple of post pub wines this led to us staying up until 4 a.m.
playing unreasonably loud music mate
Yes.
What?! !
The next day Dan received another note apologizing for the original complaint.
Oh mate!
Good tactic for avoiding neighbour friction but probably a one-use solution.
That's the old 400 blows tactic isn't it?
Yeah.
The way Antoine Doinel gets out of something at school by pretending his dad has died.
Yeah he gets pretty quickly busted.
And then in 10 minutes his dad turns up in the school with the headmaster looking very angry.
But that is the
Yeah, that's like DEFCON 5, isn't it?
You only resort to a fictional death in extreme circumstances.
He couldn't just say sorry.
It won't happen again.
Here's another good one from Simon in Sheffield.
The best thing to do is to turn up at the party with a bottle of wine, say Jim invited you, walk in bold as brass, then rip all the wires out of their music equipment and leg it over the fence.
Party over, says Simon in Sheffield.
I think that's quite a good
Bit of advice.
Or here's another one.
Have we got time for one more?
Yeah, here is one from an anonymous texter.
For a party diversion, go and knock on the door.
Say that since the music was so loud, you assumed it was a public party and demand to be let in, lest they turn down the stereo.
If they refuse, assume they're inviting you and proceed to be the worst party guest ever.
Smash things, eat all their food, drink all their booze, tell inappropriate stories, and try and have naughty times with the girlfriend.
Only leave when they promise to turn down the music from Danny Williams' I Am A Girl and a newly converted Slack squadron member.
We salute you, Danny.
That's a good bit of advice.
Any more techniques for stopping parties, do send them to us.
Until then, here is the news.
watching them come and go that's an extraordinary song i was sort of um pining to hear it weirdly and now i have that was a free play and uh it's a it's amazing isn't it nobody i there's something about what was that 80s bowie late 80s bow that is mid-80s bowie there's something about it i don't know i guess i was just at the right age for it
I mean, he was in something of a slump then as well.
Well, I know, but in retrospect, it's amazingly dramatic.
I think he always said he loved the song.
It is a great song.
It's sort of overproduced.
What's it about?
All that Templars and Saracens stuff?
It's like Rosicrucian.
Conflicts, man.
He talks about Palestine and modern problem.
Oh, so it is.
It's about Templars.
It's like about the Ottoman Empire.
Yeah.
Stuff like that.
Big subjects.
Very grandiose delivery there from Bowie.
I loved it.
And what an amazing fill, it's got a 16 beat fill.
Oh is that 16?
It's amazing.
He's a duet with Brosnan.
Yeah man.
Imagine.
Then maybe you shouldn't be leaving here!
Only the most dramatic song ever written.
Let's have some made-up jokes!
I'm a funny person.
I often make up jokes.
My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.
When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree.
Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party.
Now, I have to announce, listeners, that I haven't actually vetted any of these jokes.
I've been slack this week on account of busyness, so I will be reading my jokes for the first time.
They're no reflection on my taste this week.
Oh, really?
I'm distancing myself already.
After we gave some rules out for the made-up jokes the other week, we were saying please avoid mascarpone, mascarpone jokes.
Harry Potter based jokes.
Well someone sent in... Can I add another one, sorry to that, is any sort of Indian or foreign food based jokes.
Right.
The sort of thing you might have come up with in your local Indian or Chinese restaurant while having a beer.
Korma jokes.
Yeah, based on the menu.
Okay.
Someone, Mike from Sheffield says no more Potter jokes you say.
Agreed.
Now that kind of thing slips through the fence.
That gets through the net there.
Here's one through the fence, not the net.
No, you see, I think it gets through the fence and the net.
Here's one from Sally Field.
Sally Field!
What?
You love me now!
from Sheffield and she says hi Adam hi Joe while up half the night with my teething baby daughter Mia I had the time to make up a joke for you here goes which call my bluff presenter has recently discovered the secret language of a small Mediterranean fruit I don't know sandy talks fig sandy talks fig sandy talks fig
Yes!
Come on!
That's good.
I found this hilarious at 3am, not so much at 4.30am.
Love the show.
Thanks Sally, that was great.
Here's one from BC.
He's like a great author, he only goes, or she only goes by their initials.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
Not this one.
I told you I didn't choose this.
I know.
Do you want me to skip it?
Nope.
I gotta go through with it now.
You do now.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
I'm pretty sure we did a very similar variation on that one.
Who chose these?
A novice, maybe Lucy, she's only about 13 years old.
James is so professional, he would not pick out a single member of the team.
He wouldn't just target our appropriate match.
I mean, that's a good one, but I do feel as if that has been done before.
Sorry, man.
Hey, don't apologize.
I've already distanced myself.
It's all cool.
Here's one.
He's quite a tortured one from Andrew Tate in Durham, North Carolina, in the United States of America.
Very glamorous.
Yeah.
Dear Adam Joe and James you get that's very nice.
How polite Question why is he frozen out Tom and Lucy?
I'm sure he how rude that's very rude Andrew He says what did commander Tom Stinger Jordan from Top Gun?
Say to the Englishman when he saw Lewis Collins chasing a food critic traveling on top of Emil's at a pack and
That is an everyday occurrence.
It happens.
Answer.
Hang on, I'm not sure I've stored all those setups in my head.
So you know Commander Stinger Jordan from Top Gun, right?
Not really.
What did he say to the Englishman when he saw Lewis Collins chasing a food critic travelling on top of Emil Zatopek?
Is Emile that a bit?
Well, I'll explain shortly.
There is quite a lengthy explanation.
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Bodhi can't catch!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Your Egon's writing checks!
Okay, here's the explanation.
Your Egon's writing checks your Bodhi can't catch.
Explanation.
Emil Zatopek was a very good Czech runner who, I believe, even when weighed down by the heft of food critic Egon Rone, would still be more than a match for television and film actor Lewis Collins whose most famous role was as William Bodhi in the hit late 80s, no late 70s and early 80s show The Professionals.
Even though food critic Egon Rone was Hungarian-born, he lived the majority of his life in the UK and produced most of his seminal work there.
Therefore, it would be correct for the American Commander Jordan to refer to both Rone and Bode as yours to the Englishman to whom he is speaking.
It's watertight.
Cheers, Andrew Tate.
That's extraordinary.
That's a fun joke, isn't it, that everyone can use at parties?
Oh yeah, I mean I've got one here about impressionist painters but already I'm feeling... I mean that made me chuckle but I felt like it was... Really?
Okay I've got one about... Do it though.
Do you think?
Do it!
Well I'm going to do another one.
Yes!
Yes!
This is from Jim Lumsden.
Hello you lovely lads.
I've gone for a slightly different joke format.
These are news stories followed by tabloid style headlines.
Is this ringing any bells?
I didn't read this one.
Let's do this, he says.
That's an exciting way to start, isn't it?
I read it in a very flat way.
Let's do this.
Teen sensation disgusted at Frenchman's sunburn.
Oh, God.
Hannah Monta- I'm abandoning that.
I'm throwing it away.
I'm throwing it away.
I'm throwing it away.
I can smell that one still.
I'm abandoning it.
Listen, why don't you read this one from Peter Lawson in Melbourne?
Yes, please.
I like this one.
Oh, hang on.
I've got some, like, niche ones.
I'll come back for those.
Worst Nightmare.
Oh, you've read it!
You've just done the punch!
That's my system!
for myself this is a disaster can i read my niche one instead i've got high hopes for this so this is a special subsection of made-up jokes these are jokes that will only play in very select company dear adam and joe here are a couple of made-up jokes although i'm very pleased with them i fear they may have limited appeal as their subjects are perhaps a little too niche see what you think the first joke is a geology base was jointly made up by my boyfriend chris and i we made it up while walking in the lake district recently
It may have been influenced by our rocky mountainous surroundings, or maybe not.
Question, why was the stupid basalt happier than the clever limestone?
Because... Igneous is bliss.
The second joke was made up by me a while ago.
I can't remember anything about the surrounding circumstances, but it's about gluten intolerance.
Why did the coeliac disease sufferer eat loads of breads?
Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Jane Taven, a woman, Chris Moore's man, Birmingham.
Happy Saturday everybody.
Happy Saturday music.
Alright, yeah, okay.
Listen, let's just regroup.
Let's all get together this week.
Have a little chat.
Sit down.
I mean, I just didn't have time to root through them and pick any.
Sure, sure.
It's fine.
Listen, this kind of thing happens once in a while.
Let's just not freak out and just take some time to think.
Here's Young Knives.
Stephen, Stephen Wonderful.
That's superstition Adam Joe here on BBC six music nearly at the end of the program Just a couple of things that I wanted to mention here on my bits of paper Little shout out that caught my eye sue in Paddington.
Happy birthday sue that's from your brother kill doing shout outs It's not a shout out
I've we've got jingles and wacky things and shout outs.
This is shows turning into wackaday day from Dublin says that made up jokes is spiraling out of control.
Dave, you know, I agree with that.
I said this a couple of weeks ago.
I think he says people keep sending in jokes you can easily find on the Internet.
None the wiser, that Gandhi joke I heard last year.
And you keep reading them out.
Plus now we have upstarts trying to change the format by adding puns and newspaper headlines.
It's spiraled out of control.
It will lead to the ultimate downfall of democracy.
I blame it on moving the time slot from nine to 12 and 10 to 10 till one and thereby letting any old clown join black squadron once an elite and awesome team.
Dave, I have to say I agree, but that was an anomalous made up jokes.
The jokes were not vetted by Jay Korns.
Usually the step, my jokes, I had many more jokes.
You had many, I ruined it.
were solid golden nuggets.
Here's a little message right now from someone who is sticking it to the man, Joe.
Ed Bailey.
I love pink lady apples, but they're so darn expensive.
So every lunchtime for about the last year, I go to the self-service aisle of a certain supermarket to pay for my lunch.
And when paying for my pink lady apple, I select Cox apple from the list instead of pink lady.
A beep.
I reckon I save about 20p a day.
But I'm starting to get a bit twitchy because now it's gone on for so long and I always try and stand between the staff guy and the screen so he can't actually see.
I keep expecting to see an in-store... I keep expecting to see myself on an in-store scoundrel list.
Thank you very much.
Love the show.
Hey, that is the Text the Nation theme for next week.
Pathetic but satisfying ways to stick it to the man.
Stick it to the man.
Don't forget this week's Text The Nation, which we've actually failed to pay off.
We set it up and we will read out your contributions in retro Text The Nation next week, but it is a return to public pretending.
Things you do in public in order to sort of cover up for perceived awkwardness.
Yeah, and kind of little games you play with yourself in public, just bits of public theatre to cover up.
Like the woman who pretended to have a radio in her collar and be a police woman, that kind of thing.
Exactly.
So thank you so much for listening, folks.
Don't forget to download the podcast later on this evening and get in touch with us throughout the week by email on any of the subjects that we've been discussing today.
Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.
She's got Jazz Coleman, ex of Killing Joke, coming up.
And that's it, I think, isn't it?
Yeah, don't forget to check out the Black Squadron gallery at our blog bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash adam and joe and we'll be back next week live from ten till one here on BBC six music.
Here's the ukulele Beatles to play you out.
This is their version of the Beatles.
I've just seen a face.
Take care.
I love you.
Bye.
Bye.