The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (30 April 2011)

There'll be some music and some random talking in between and then eventually the whole thing will just end.

That's good sound though, isn't it?

The problem is I just can't get it off.

The Union Jack that I painted all over my face yesterday.

Yeah.

I actually painted a Union Jack all over my body.

Are you supposed to call it the Union flag though?

Really?

I think Union Jack's very racist.

Is it?

Yeah.

But you look good with it, man.

Thanks a lot.

I just shouldn't have done it with indelible pens.

Why did you do it all over your scrotum as well, though?

Just because it felt festive.

Yeah.

Yeah, well it looks good.

I mean, I think it looks nice.

Thanks very much.

I hope everybody else is recovering from their royal wedding festivities.

Unless, of course, you avoided the entire thing.

Some people did that.

Some people boycotted it.

John Sim was on the One show the other day.

Yes.

And he was being rather grumpy about the whole thing.

Was he?

I was grumpy until about three or four minutes before.

Same here.

But then I started getting Fergie fever.

I was expecting to get Kate and Will's fever, but actually when you get Fergie fever, which I did in the 80s, it's dormant in the spine and it can be revivified by any royal activity.

So I suddenly got the sweats and I got a fever for the ginger-haired royal.

My favourite royal.

I'm outraged she wasn't there.

Was she not?

I don't think so.

I'm not sure she was.

Because of the suitcases and money.

But I had a good time, I enjoyed it.

It was great man.

Did you go to any street parties?

Nope.

you're not even aware of a street party happening no oh man they were happening everywhere I walked around the corner one weird thing that happened to me I was walking out to get a can of fizzy pop from the corner store right I was working away on jingles and stuff I thought I'll have a fizzy pop break so I went out and drifting out from over someone's garden I could hear someone playing breathe in the air by Pink Floyd but it was on a guitar and I'm staying like around Kensington area and

And the voice was exactly that of, I thought it was, what's his name, Gilmore, or whoever sings that.

And I thought, Oh, my goodness, Dave Gilmore's in someone's garden.

And he's regaling people with Breathe in the Air.

To me, it seemed like a completely possible scenario.

But it was just a guy in a pub.

Doing a very good version though, for a street party that was outside, all the pub doors open, it was a lovely scene.

But we should say good morning to our listeners this Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music, we've got an action packed show coming up, for the first time in months we have Song Wars for you.

Yeah that's right, we've composed original songs, myself and Jo for Kate and Will's The Happy Couple, we're going to be unveiling those.

in around about an hour, I would say.

We're gonna have textination, we're gonna have retro textination, we're gonna have made-up jokes, we're gonna have traveler's tales.

This show's like a little, lovely, juicy satsuma full of segments.

Yeah, the show used to have just two features.

The skin comes off really easy as well.

And now it's got so many features, it's like a grotesque portrait by Picasso.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I do, with all sorts of fragmented features.

Yeah, but listen, we should activate the squadron, shouldn't we?

Right now?

Let's do it!

Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the way Black Squadron rolls Black Squadron!

Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron

Black Squadron, the elite listening force who listen to this program live on air for the first hour.

So if you're listening right now live, that means you.

They're a squadron that love waffles and they tune in for the most waffle packed part of the show, the part of the show where we're still half asleep, getting ourselves together, not quite sure what's happening.

And it's really a very stodgy waffle area.

But the squadron don't mind because they thrive on waffles.

We are about to issue Black Squadron a single word command.

You have to get your photographic devices, take a photo of yourself executing that command and then send it in to us here at BBC6music via text on 64046 or via email adamandjoe.6music at bbc.co.uk.

It's a risky one this morning.

I don't even know which one you're going to go for.

Oh, that one.

I'm going to go for that one.

Do it.

Do we need to give any mitigating information?

So you can interpret the single word command in any way you want.

Yeah.

But don't hurt each other.

No, exactly.

Do not hurt each other.

Or any animals or anything like that.

Just pretend.

Yeah.

That's the most important thing.

Are we ready?

Absolutely.

What record are we going to go into?

We're going to go into The Cure, appropriately enough.

Here comes your command, Black Squadron.

It is surgery.

Why can't I be you?

That's the cure.

Just be yourself, Robert Smith, with your bird's nest hair.

That's the best way to go.

I was panicking there for a moment, because there appeared to be zero Black Squadron responses.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but there seemed to be four.

OK, well, that's all right.

Well, it's quite a complex one.

It is a complex one.

Surgery.

I mean, you can interpret that any way you want.

What sort of thing were you imagining, Adam, that we might get?

I was hoping for someone covered, like people covered with white sheets and then... A sort of ER type situation.

Yeah.

People with face masks on.

Bright lights.

Maybe somebody lying across the kitchen table.

Yeah, a creative... Pulling a string of sausages.

Exactly.

Out of their tummy, that kind of thing.

Giving birth to... A melon.

A melon, that's right.

Exactly.

Well that's... we can but dream.

Hey man, this is an exciting week coming up because I'm going to a exciting movie premiere.

Are you now?

Yeah.

My one?

Yeah, the Attack the Block movie premiere on Wednesday.

Yes.

And I want your advice though, sartorially.

Yes.

What in heckins am I going to wear?

What are you expecting?

Is it a black tie thing?

No, no, no.

It's interesting, isn't it?

Did I tell you this story when I went to the royal premiere of The Lovely Bones?

You wore your trainers.

I wore my trainers and I got all sorts of grief from my lady friend about wearing my trainers.

She thought I might be executed or sent to the chopping block.

You should have been.

Same thing, really.

But when I turned up there, after all this anxiety, a lot of people were in black tie, but a lot of people were just rolling up dressed completely casually.

Leather jackets and jeans.

And I wanted to execute them.

That's totally disrespectful, yeah.

Because you had a suit and tie on, right?

I did.

What are you going to wear this Wednesday?

I'm going to wear a suit and tie, but I'm the director.

I have to look all proper.

But you, as the director, you could wear pretty much anything.

You could wear a sort of insane Lady Gaga hat, sorry, director.

Yes.

Could I for just to be charismatic and crazy?

Yeah, you could go topless with just nipple tassels.

Yeah, why be Denny different though?

Why be Denny different?

Why would you want to be Denny different?

You don't.

So just go in a suit.

Exactly.

Why Denny different?

Take your own advice, Count Bucky Lee.

Exactly.

Denny different.

You're probably going in some kind of... You're very inconsistent.

That's true, isn't it?

Your illegicity.

Yeah.

So I thought I might go for a suit, but I'm probably gonna rock some trainers.

Right.

Yeah.

Suit and trainers.

And I don't know whether I'm going to do a tie or not.

What am I going to do?

I can't wear suits.

Loopy.

Heck, I might not wear a tie.

Are you not?

I might throw caution to the wind.

A shirt rakishly unbuttoned.

Imagine how the women will respond to... What's that bit called there?

The nape.

Imagine what the ladies will do when they see me completely naping.

Stop.

I'm absolutely stark naked.

Start drooling on the nape.

I'd love some suggestions if anyone's listening.

Are you looking for something that'll be attention-grabbing?

Well the thing is that I've, no not at all, I just want to blend in but I want to look cool.

I'd love to look cool.

My web's always, we're past that now.

It's not gonna happen is it?

No.

I wish someone could make me look cool.

All my, all my clothes are just like a stupid 18 year old's clothes.

And then I cycle around everywhere, so I just have to wear practical stupid 18 year old clothes.

You've got a good suit, wear a suit.

I look like fat Sam in my suit.

You look good.

Somebody out there is probably a clothes designer.

And clothes designers have amazing skills for sketching, don't they?

So they should do, someone might do one of those amazing sketches to design a premiere outfit for Bucky Lee.

Can't someone just style me for the day?

black squadron right but listen can't someone just style me for the attack the block premiere you're looking for a stylist yeah and you'll get all i mean because there's gonna be a paparazzi mob friendlies three photographers dr buckles is gonna be all over the front of every single newspaper the next day your design could be seen by everyone in the uk that's the gauntlet i'm throwing down

Here's a free play for you right now, listeners.

What are free plays, Joe?

Free plays are songs that are selected by you or I that are distinct from the playlist as issued to us by our producer, Jay.

They have broken free from the cage of the playlist.

They're songs that stray from the path.

That's true.

This is from one of our favourite albums, prefab sprout Steve McQueen.

Came out in 1985.

Did you know that Steve McQueen, this is a true fact, not a made up fact, was released in the US as Two Wheels Good?

I did, yeah.

Because the actor's estate had a problem with it.

I did know that.

Tell me something I don't know.

I'm amazing.

Really?

This is called Moving the River, which I thought I'd dedicate to Wilson Cate.

Not the lyrical content, but I just thought it's a nice song for, like, when you're in the glow of love.

Do you think they're listening?

Yeah, definitely.

Because they've got a good sense of humour.

They've got G-S-O-H.

This is for you guys.

That's the gangsters by the specials.

Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.

We asked you, Black Squadron, to send in your photographs interpreting the command, Surgery.

Maybe we should have thought this through more carefully.

I mean, we've got an amazing mix of photographs.

We did, of course, caution you to be extremely careful when reconstructing, you know, such a potentially invasive pursuit.

And one or two people have sent in actual photos.

of surgery they've recently had done.

Some guy sent in a picture of his duffed up hand with like some big gnarly scars.

Please don't do that.

We won't put them up on the blog if we can because they're too gut-wrenching.

There's other places on the internet where you can find all that.

But there are some wonderfully light and innocent and fun ones.

Jessica and Charlotte from Suffolk have dressed up as two extremely capable looking nurses.

Very sweet nurses.

Don't you think they could do probably some quite complicated surgery, I'd imagine, but I wouldn't

There's a sort of sweet real one.

There's a lady bearing her butox, which is always nice.

That's sweet.

I think it's sweet.

I just like to see lady's butox.

Does that go in your file under S for sweet?

Yes.

Not in mine.

She's got a sweet pair of... Under B for butox.

There's one here... I have to say the reason she's bearing her butox is because she appears to have been wounded in them and she's got some surgical plasters over some lesions.

I'm not making it sound sweet, am I?

Claire and Andrew McCluskey from Edinburgh, Black Squadron unit in Edinburgh.

Andrew McCluskey from OMD.

Very possibly.

It's a gentleman, it looks like, with his young daughter operating there, but quite effectively done, don't you think?

Yes, very simple.

Just, you know, some white sheets over the gentleman.

They've put some ketchup on there and she's stabbing him with a knife and fork.

And it's not actually doing that.

No, she's not.

We don't we don't care in an extremely safe manner.

Roseanne in Portsmouth has appears to be doing heart surgery on her boyfriend, maybe your partner could be brother.

We don't know.

Or dad.

Yeah, look what she got.

She got a needle and thread.

She's drawn a dotted line around the heart area.

And she's put some ketchup on that dotted line, and it's as if she's sort of stitching the heart I know what kind of surgery that would be a good album cover I think do you think yet often we get these some black squadron photo commands We get some great photos that would just be good as album covers.

I think yes and finally here is one from Mark and Zoe and

and just all it says is wowzers that hurt and it looks like a picture of Mark and he's got a corkscrew yeah being it looks more like the cover of a 80s slasher film happy corkscrew to me or something it would be called

Yeah.

But yeah, he's having it.

This is like dental surgery, isn't it?

Crazy corkscrew.

And he's in in he's in a lot of pain.

Yeah, got a very good pain.

Well, it's it's emergency surgery.

There's something that the, you know, there's no doc nearby.

So someone's just got a bottle opener out of their bag and they're going in with a corkscrew and it has to be done.

Emergency what?

Nothing.

I've just seen another one.

But no, I'll show you and I'll show you in a second.

Let's go to a record.

Here's Licky Lee.

This is sadness is a blessing.

Flippin' heck, Tucker.

Sadness is her boyfriend.

Why is she going out with Sadness?

He's an idiot.

That's Licky Lee, and this is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's time to stand the squadron down.

Stand down, your work is done.

You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.

And maybe a nice little bun.

Okay, now listen, put your utensils down, Black Squadron.

I don't know, I'm not sure many of these Black Squadron entries are going to make it to the blog.

Some of them I'm afraid are not going to make it past the Big British Castle strict guidelines.

But thank you very much for all your surgery picks, Squadron, and we'll be back with another command next week.

Right now, it is 10.30 in time for the news.

Ones and ones and ones... Is that the best song ever made?

Very possibly.

I think it might be.

Very possibly.

I think it is the best song ever.

It would be a very difficult song to reproduce, wouldn't it?

To try and restructure... It'd have to be a kind of a madman or a musical genius!

Like who?

Like Sam.

Sam sent us this jingle for retro-textination that he'd done.

He says, I don't quite know why I decided to spend most of an afternoon doing this.

My girlfriend said I'll never get that time back, and I probably should have spent it planning... She's a fool!

She's an idiot!

Planning our wedding.

Dump her.

Well, they're getting married in less than a month, so that's not necessarily on the cast.

That's very exciting.

Well done.

She doesn't even listen to the podcast, he says.

So I win!

Yes!

And you do win sound because we're going to play your jingle right now in the style of David Bowie.

Here we go.

Good use of time Sam.

He's even got the mumbling in there.

Amazingly good.

Do you think that actually might be Bowie himself under a pseudonym?

I think it's so likely.

I think it definitely is.

That's a good impression man.

Thank you so much for that Sam.

Yeah, retro text the nation, we are collecting a few of the messages that have come in over the week about last week's text the nation subject, which was modern technology misery bits of modern phenomena that have just made life a little bit broad, wasn't it?

I realised while we when we got our suggestions in, I realised that actually, there were sort of 30 different text the nation nation subjects in there.

Yeah, it's often the way you could do a whole one on on automatic checkouts, for instance, couldn't you?

Right.

or on automated telephone answering.

You could do a whole one.

Hey man, we probably will at some stage.

Here is one right now from Stu in London.

He's a mailman and he says, hi Adam and Joe, have you noticed that there's a pause between pressing the button on a TV or DVD player remote control and the actual response on the screen?

This pause seems to be getting longer and longer with each new generation of equipment.

Blu-ray players take ages to respond.

Back in the day, it seemed like just a quirk of technology, but now I feel they're being wilfully disobedient, and that this is the first sign of machines becoming sentient and forming an uprising.

Welcome your views on the matter.

Totally agree.

Completely agree.

The time it takes for a Blu-ray machine to turn on... Why is he flipping doing that?

It's absurd.

It's like it's... The time it takes to loathe... Psycing himself up.

He's absurd.

I wonder what you filmed, eh?

Alright, I'll be... And it displays a little message.

Hello, just wait a minute, please.

Wait a minute, the fridge doesn't say that to me when I want to get something fridgey out of it.

And don't get me started on how long the warnings take.

You know, the unskippable warnings, the unskippable trailers on a Disney movie.

We've talked about that before, but it's just, it's a phenomenon that's just getting even more maddening and ludicrous.

In fact, we've been discussing that for the animated menus on our DVD, because I want to do animated menus, but sometimes they take ages, don't they?

And once you're over the animation, every time you put the DVD in vents forth, it's incredibly tedious.

Yeah, exactly.

We solved all those problems on the Adam and Joe movie.

Worst offender?

The Abyss.

Special edition.

Really?

Oh yes, I know you have to navigate round that roof, don't you?

The water tentacle, yeah, takes forever.

It's absolutely ludicrous.

So I agree with you, thank you very much, Stu in London.

Blu-ray players.

Here is one from Naomi in Bath.

She says the smartphone thing really hit a nerve.

I'm a mature student so I have a few friends who are about 10 years younger than me.

I refuse to watch any movie I care about with them because when I've taken DVDs round to some of their houses they can't watch for more than 10 minutes without texting on their Blackberries.

I've tried taking all their phones and hiding them down the side of the sofa but if they bleep my friends can't relax until they've checked them.

Add to this the overall slower pace of films made before the 2000s, and their attention spans just can't cope.

It drives me crazy!

It's true.

We're now reduced to watching things like The Karate Kid together, as I don't get stressed if I miss parts of a film like that.

What, the remake or the original, I wonder?

Who knows?

They're both very good.

Yeah.

I'm serious.

I think they are both very good.

Sorry.

They both are very good.

The second one is good, isn't it?

Yeah.

Is that because you know someone is?

It's because it made about 500 million dollars worldwide.

Very successful.

And if it's successful in my book that means it's good.

It means it's very very good.

What are they texting though when they're watching the movie?

Are they just texting about other stuff?

They're texting and watching movies.

Gotta love that bit in Karate Kid that I'm not watching because I'm texting you.

Now we're talking about cinema or automated phenomena as well, like phone robot voices last week.

And here's a message from someone who's been on one of those cinema lines when you go and you phone up for the cinema times.

and you get the robot guy.

I mean obviously you could go online, but sometimes maybe that's not an option, you don't have broadband or whatever, so here's someone who phoned up.

Dear Duckles, Dear Buckles and Cornballs, I was particularly moved to email in and agree with the frustration that Joe displayed at voice recognition telephone calls.

I recorded me on a call to a well-known cinema chain trying to get the film times out of them.

I was so enraged by the end of the call, I needed a long bath and a sit down in a quiet room listening to some Coldplay.

warm bottom.

And a nice warm bottom.

Later I realised that I should have just used the internet for that type of thing.

Keep up the good work, yours faithfully Jake from South London.

So here's Jake on the phone.

I'm just going to let this play because it amused me and it more or less sums up everything that's wrong with modern life I think.

Please say the name of the film you'd like to see or say what's on or more options.

What's on?

There are 26 films currently showing.

You can interrupt me at any time by saying yes or no.

And now, here are the films.

Rio 3D Certificate U. Would you like this film?

No.

Rio Certificate U. Would you like this film?

No.

Fast and Furious 5.

Yes, come on.

Certificate 12A.

Yes.

Would you like this film?

Yes.

No.

What?

To speed things up, just interrupt me with yes or no.

harp certificate you would you like this film no did you mean the film harp no okay the current film is harp certificate you the easter bunny gets funny in this brilliant comedy that mixes did you say the film no okay

Oh my god, he's gone back to the beginning.

Oh my god.

No.

There you go.

Thanks so much, Jake, for that.

Does that carry on there?

How long does it go on for?

That's the most... It's 10 minutes.

Press 2.

For the next serum, press 3.

To book tickets, press 0.

For a brief summary of the plot, press 5.

I mean, they could use that in Guantanamo Bay, couldn't they?

Yeah.

That'd be an amazing torture technique.

It sounds very counterintuitive, the way they've set that up.

I know.

And I mean, what about just saying the name of the film that you want to see instead of working through all to it now?

Because presumably the software is not sufficiently sophisticated to recognize anything other than yes or no.

Can I interrupt you at any point simply by saying no?

Yes, you can.

While you're talking, can I just say yes or no?

Yeah, go on and then stop you.

Yeah.

Are we done with Texanation?

Have you got more?

Do you like to read any more?

No.

No, I don't.

I don't have any more.

That's very good.

Thank you very much for everybody sending in.

The Easter Bunny goes crazy in this enjoyable family comedy with Russell Brand.

Would you definitely like to see it?

No.

Are you sure?

What about Arthur?

Here's the kinks.

That's the Kinkles with You Really Got Me.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Very nice to be with you, this lovely sunny Saturday afternoon, listeners.

Hope it's sunny where you are.

If it's not, I'm very, very sorry we can't be held responsible.

I think it's less sunny in the west of England.

Devon and Somerset looking a little bit cloudy.

Really?

But the east of England is all white.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

That's the only bit I care about.

East angular.

Yes.

Now here's a free play coming up from me.

Are we ready for this?

Are we just going to go straight into this free play?

Let's just roll right into this role.

This is by Jay Diller.

Do you know who Jay Diller is?

Who heck is he?

Do you know?

Do you know anything?

Anything about Jay Diller?

Uh, no, I, I thought you were going to say just, do you know anything?

I was thinking like, what do I know?

I don't know anything.

No, no, no.

I'm trying to stop you.

No hop, hop.

I'd like to see hop.

it's confusing Jay Diller is a sort of hip-hop man type producer man yeah he's dead is he but that's made him an extraordinary legend when did he die a while ago okay 19 a while ago and this is called love it's from his album the shining enjoy

chemical brothers with swoon this is Adam and Joe on BBC six music happy Saturday morning everybody who is listening yeah happy nice I like it hope you're feeling alright after yesterday's fun and festivities we are going to be playing you the results of our song wars battle this week we have written songs so the results of our song wars endeavors

The results of the battle will be next week when we announce the results of the battle.

That's true.

I'll shut you down.

You have to stop doing that now.

We are going to be playing you our Song Wars songs just after 11 o'clock, so stick with us here on the programme.

But now, Joe, I want to ask you what your policy is with envelopes.

What do you do with them once you get an envelope?

It's tricky, isn't it?

Because you can't recycle them, I believe.

Right.

Because they're gluey.

I mean, when did you find that out?

I only just found that out.

I've known that for years.

Have you known it for years?

I only just found out because the lady that sometimes comes around to clean our house said, what are you doing recycling that?

You can't recycle that because it's all gummy.

And I sort of said, I think you can.

It's paper.

Come on, you just chuck it in there.

No, you can't do it.

So I checked it out and she was absolutely right.

I mean, I had been tearing out the plastic windows.

Yeah, but I think it's still gummy.

I tell you what I do, if it doesn't have a window and it's got my address printed on it, I tear out the address and I rip the address up into tiny bits.

And eat it.

And put it in the kitchen bin.

Right.

So that, what's his name, the man that goes through celebrity bins?

Johnny Bin... Johnny Bin Matt.

Johnny Bin Plops.

Can't get my address.

Yeah.

And then I will tear off the gummy bits and I'll put the papery bits in the recycling.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean that's what you're supposed to do.

Here's some guidelines.

If it's a jiffy, I save it.

Sure.

In my jiffy bag store.

Or wear it like a hat.

Or wear them like slippers.

Or pop some used tissue in it and use it as a pillow.

Yes.

It's a lovely pillow, travel pillow.

Or... Mmm.

Well, these are these are good tips, you know, and there was some tips that I saw on on a blog.

Well, it's a website, I suppose, tips.com, the go green blog.

Oh, this is and it's called itself tips for teachers and office workers.

It's actually set up by an office supplies company.

Great.

And it seems to be like a sincere thing with sincere tips and stuff, but some of them are a little... Why did you go on here?

Because I wanted to check out what the procedure was.

I was searching for... You're anxious that you might be doing other things wrong?

Yeah, I was searching for our envelopes recyclable.

Right.

And this is the thing I stumbled across.

It says, how to recycle your envelopes.

Remove the see-through plastic address window and the glue covered seal.

Use them to build a statue of yourself in the office or model cars using the see-through plastic for windows and the glued seals for fixings and structure.

Recycle the rest in the paper recycling.

Have you done that then?

Have you made some cars?

Yeah, I've spent all week doing it.

It's very important.

I mean, does everyone have to do this?

Yes.

I didn't realise.

It's more important than the recycling aspect.

And what about building a statue of yourself in the office?

That's important as well.

I mean, this is what was on the website.

And the car's life size.

Once you've finished the car, you drive it into the statue.

I've been driving it around.

You drive it at speed into the statue.

I had to get it MOT'd.

And then you're finished.

Yeah, and it failed the MOT.

Did it?

Yeah, so I've had to start building a new one.

And then, these are real, incidentally, on the website it says, other suggestions for your envelopes.

Shopping lists.

You may be able to use the sticky part to stick them to your fridge!

Yes.

Good idea.

Another suggestion.

Reuse the ones with plastic windows if you carefully open them.

Okay?

Put them under a short leg of a wonky table.

Short leg of a wonky table.

Why don't you do that with your envelopes?

Use them for storage slash categorization of small things like newspaper clippings.

What?

What are they saying?

And here's the final one.

Sorry, use what for categorization?

Oh, the old envelopes.

Sort of like index cards.

Yes, exactly.

Use them for storage slash categorization of small things.

And finally, start a flip book cartoon using one envelope a day.

I hate you!

I'm going to find you and kill you for suggesting that!

run them over in your new car.

I'm going to!

I mean maybe it was meant as a humorous suggestion on the go green block.

If you did that website and you're walking down the street and you see a very huge, shonky paper car with a weird patchwork window that you can't really see through in this bearded lunatic driving and next to him in the passenger seat a statue.

Then don't worry because it'll run harmlessly over you because it's made entirely of old

uh envelopes yeah um although the the plastic window may slice your face off i've gone too far again haven't i nearly song wars time here's nirvana with smells like teen spirit it's time for song wars the war of the songs a couple of

Do you remember the time when loads of little kids used to go around wearing Nirvana t-shirts?

Does that still happen anymore?

The vast majority of Nirvana t-shirts would be on like five to ten year olds.

When Kurt Cobain was alive you mean?

No, after he died.

Oh, right.

Yeah, in the 90s and noughties.

Yes.

You don't see it so often anymore, but it always used to be weird because he was such a sort of adult, dark and slightly nihilistic figure.

Slightly.

In some ways.

Yeah.

To see little kiddies going around in Nirvana t-shirts.

Yeah, there you go.

There you go.

Just making a little point there.

That's a brilliant point, Joe.

No.

I shut myself down.

So it's Song Wars time.

We haven't done this for a while, but now we have done it.

And the theme was the royal wedding.

That's right.

It's a good imaginative theme.

And so we've both done royal wedding songs.

I did mine the... Well, I was finishing it as the wedding happened yesterday.

So they're not done in the knowledge of what happened yesterday, right?

No.

And indeed, I was feeling a tiny bit cynical about the whole endeavour until I actually witnessed it.

And it's very hard to be cynical about it.

They're a sweet couple.

And even if they, you know, when you think about it, you think even if they'd wanted to have a private...

wedding they wouldn't have been allowed to yes it was foisted upon them i mean as royals go they are pretty low on the offensiveness i agree um i would say and they've never personally hurt me i know will's tried to rugby tackle me has he once and uh i just noogied him and we were fine noogied yeah did a little new did you yeah across the head there

But we go way back.

You did a special very royal... Put a couple more syllables in there.

So we're going to flip a coin, right?

Listen, for new listeners, if you're a new listener and you haven't heard Song Wars before, these songs are genuinely entirely made by Adam and I individually at home.

It'll be hard to believe when you hear them.

And we only decided the subject last Saturday.

We both had very, very busy weeks.

Okay, very busy weeks.

So we've just done these in the evening.

All right.

So lower your expectations all the way beneath floor level to a sub cretaceous.

You know, it's not like cretaceous.

It's not like on a kind of slick comedy program.

Maybe someone will come on and do a topical song and it'll be all good.

This is organic.

You know, it's like a cake you buy at a jumble sale.

It's just like a couple of weirdos and they've just done a weird thing on their

But the key is you get to listen to both and you get to vote for your favourite.

We'll tell you how once you've heard both songs.

Yeah.

So we got a coin.

We're going to flip the coin to see who plays their song first.

I'll go for heads because it's a royal wedding and it'll be the head of the queen.

Thank you.

If it's heads I'll go first.

Oh it's out of control.

I can't flip coins.

It went all over the shop.

And it is heads.

It's heads.

I'm going to go first.

OK, my song is called A Right Royal Rave Up.

OK.

Yeah.

And so what you've got to imagine, listeners, is the following scenario.

No.

So it's about three in the morning.

at Buckingham Palace last night.

As we know, they had six staterooms, didn't they, for the reception and the party.

In the central stateroom are all the biggest celebrities and the royal family themselves.

And at about three in the morning, when they know all the journalists have gone, it's getting quite sweaty.

Everyone's in their black tie with bottles of champagne.

They've taken their ties off, kind of thing.

They're loosening it up.

So it's quite sexy.

It's a bit like a Jay-Z video.

Everyone's, you know, dancing and freaking out.

Yeah, exactly.

And once they know no one's looking, they play the following track.

And Kate and Wills perform it.

OK?

And this is what happens when the royals rave.

Here we go.

Yo, Katie.

Yo, Wills.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I've got chills.

Well, let's go.

I'd like the way you get down I'd like to see you later wearing only your crown You're so good looking Almost as fit as Ben Fogle Wind your royal body to the bucking embalmer If you're called Prince Charles

Get your bum on the floor.

Pass the royal duchy, let us all have a draw.

If you're Camilla, dance like a freak on the tables.

Get off with Mr. Bean and then wake up in the stables.

If you're the queen then, let's see you grinding your hip.

Throw your hands in the air like you're launching a ship.

You're Duke of Edinburgh.

It's time to rip up the floor Let's see you party like it's still the second world war Cameras are flashing It's the return of the king Watch me rule Britannia like it's no big thing I'll be your princess I'm going to show them who rules I'll be the best at being in magazines and opening schools We're gonna rock

You drive me crazy when you wiggle your booty You and I should do a constitutional duty Hold up your tea towels and your commemorative plates

It's very, very political.

Is it?

I think I'll just call it the Royal Rave.

That's the Royal Rave.

What's their constitutional duty?

intercourse social conversational intercourse sure dr. bucks palace that's a little trick I missed there should have called mine dr. buckles palace and a nice little return of the king line in there as well thanks a lot I feel I should have gone

You know, I guess my voice is fairly posh as it is.

I feel I should have gone a bit posher.

Right.

I kept it pretty much the same as... So posh that you come fairly... I didn't want to make it too grotesque a caricature.

Fairly big.

I mean, they're not too grotesque themselves.

She's got a very cut glass voice.

Yeah, she has.

She's sexy.

Yeah.

But Wills himself, he's pretty much an everyman.

Pretty much everyone.

Totally normal guy.

Totally absolutely completely normal.

I saw the film.

Have you seen the American TV movie?

I saw some of it on channel 5, yeah.

I tried to watch that.

It's very basic.

It's pretty basic.

It's like they haven't written a script, they've just cut, copy, pasted from Wikipedia.

Exactly.

Or articles in Hello.

Yeah.

And just reconstructed them.

So what I did was I felt that I probably had to go for something from the Queen's point of view.

Well, you've got a sort of secret weapon in this song, I suppose.

In that I have personal ties with her match.

And so you have to imagine that it is the first dance of the party, and the Queen steps up to the mic.

She's written this specially to welcome Katie to the family and to give her a little bit of advice, and this is what happens.

And now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, performing her own special musical tribute of a happy couple, her royal match highness, the Queen.

Once upon a time in a lovely university Lived a lovely couple called Willie and Kater They fell in love when Katie showed her pants at the party And then they went on telly to appear on Blinder Data If you were a princess, what kind were you boy?

I'll be a really lovely one, I promise you your majesty I won't fix introductions for suitcases and money Or do a sketch on Red Nose Day, even if it's really funny Thanks a lot Chuck, that sounds good to me Graham slide the curtain back, I think we'll go for Katie Willy

Katie and Katie, Katie and Willy You're going to have a lot of loli life, just don't be silly Kate and Prince of Willy's, Will and Princess Kate are Just follow my instructions please, I am the head of Stata Don't get a stupid butler who rifles through your pants He'll end up in the jungle with the clan and the ants Stay clear of Piers Morgan and other sleazy men Don't wanna see Andy Morton or Martin Bashir again

Sometimes the life of a princess Can be a royal pain in the parts A lullicating Meeting boring people Asking what they do Pretending that you're interested Smiling for the camera's too

When all you want to do is say you're all boring farts Willy and Katie, Katie and Willy Welcome, Willy and Katie to a happy family.

Katie, Prince of Willy's, Willa, Princess Katie, Laura, Laura, Lily, Coppola, or Plunder Data Katie, Katie, Katie, Willy, Willy, Wills

Don't dress up as Nazis.

Don't get hooked on pills.

Kate is on a plate day and Will is on a cough.

There's a lot of people watching you so please don't screw this up.

I mean, your one's quite political too.

Is it?

Quite provocative about the pills and everything there.

Just advice, things for them to avoid.

But your strength there was the Prince of Willys.

By calling him repeatedly the Prince of Willys, I think people are gonna like that.

So there you go, those are our Song Wars songs.

I'd like to dedicate mine to Pete Thomas and Claire Emmett, who are getting married today.

We don't do shout-outs and dedications very often, but that one caught my eye and I thought, why not?

So this is what you've got to do, listeners.

You can hear both songs again.

I'm going to rephrase that.

You can hear both songs again on our blog, bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Joe.

Or you can hear them on the podcast, which will be available from 6 p.m.

today.

And then you can vote for your favorite track via the blog or via our usual email address, which is adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

So you can vote for mine, which was Royal Rave Up.

What was yours called, Adam?

Mine's just called Royal Wedding, so I like to keep things functional.

There we go.

And remember, it's very, very important that everybody votes.

And it's very important that you listen very carefully to both songs.

Yeah.

Think about them, discuss them with your family and friends, analyse and make an informed decision.

You've got until 11 p.m.

on Friday the 6th of May to cast your vote and be part of this constitutional monarchy song wars.

The full terms and conditions can be found on our website.

The winning song will be announced on next week's show Saturday the 7th of May.

That's something to look forward to then isn't it?

Don't forget just emails okay for the voting for this.

And is it useful for them to like put who they're voting for as the header?

Yeah that might be useful.

Speed things up a little bit.

Thanks very much, and that's Song Wars.

Right now, it's Jay-Z time.

difficulties in the street.

It's impossible to get my shopping done.

I was grooving so much that I vomited.

I thought I had it early on today.

Jay Z making my booty incredible and and what does it stand very exciting.

It's very exciting very optimistic.

What does hover stand for?

Positive.

It's just like a like a hot craft.

It's about a mower.

What is Izzo?

Eddie Izzard.

He's gone through America.

He's made friends with rap and so it's probably some consequence of Eddie Izzard making friends with Jay Z. I'm very good friends.

I've actually no idea.

I'll ask my nephew.

Noel Gallagher.

I'm seeing my nephew this weekend.

Noel Gallagher.

I'm giving him 50 pence.

I said Noel Gallagher.

Sorry?

Noel Gallagher.

I do, yes.

I just said his name.

There's a chap at the council called Oliver.

It's not the same.

Probably not the same.

No.

Yeah, you know.

Okay, it's time for another free play right now, listeners.

And mate, this is an Australian man.

And now I could really get into hot water doing the accent for this guy.

Because he's like an Australian icon.

Oh, really?

He's part of a very fundamentally important series of bands.

He's a longtime collaborator of Nick Cave.

Right?

Is he one of Men at Work?

No, he's not, mate.

Well, but you said he's an important... I know, I know.

And they are important, don't get me wrong.

Oh, it's mental as anything.

It's the chap from mental as anything.

No, it's not the monk from mental as anything.

Well, who are you talking about?

I'm talking about Mick Harvey, who?

From the Bad Seeds and the Birthday Party.

Oh, right, mate.

and it's he tried to get into mental as anything but he wasn't allowed he wasn't allowed so instead he had to do his own thing and this is from one of his solo albums from 2007 uh called uh i think it's called the two of diamonds uh this is a track uh it's a cover this track by um

What is this track?

I just ran out of steam there halfway through my sentence.

I'm getting confused.

Is this a cover of a track?

So this track is a cover of a Manu Chow song.

Right.

It's called Out of Time Man and it sounds for all the world like The Passenger by Iggy Pop but I enjoyed this when I heard it the other day on the TV show Breaking Bad.

Don't know if you've ever seen that.

No I haven't but it's very good.

A little bit depressing but good.

And this is Out of Time Man by Mick Harvey.

very good that's Pete and the Pirates first single from their second album 1,000 pictures out in May heavily indebted to Young Knives I hope they won't mind me saying though and that's a good thing as far as I'm concerned this is Adam and Joe here on BBC.6music.co.uk just put the word dot in there and then got sent off in a erroneous oh for goodness sake it's 11 30 and time for the news

That's Sex Laws by Beck.

Is that the kind of sort of mood when Beck is making love?

No, it's... That sort of banjo plucking hoedown kind of mood?

No, it's when he's laying down the law about how the lovemaking is going to go.

Okay.

He does it in a jolly way.

Yeah, it's how he explains the rules, jumps around, makes it fun rather than intimidating.

Like I do.

Right, listen!

Tonight, I want you to dress up!

Okay, so I think it's time for Text the Nation, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

And we have got a jingle coming your way, courtesy of a band called The Scholars, and they sent us in this.

Enjoy!

Text-a-nation, text-a-nation!

What I want to!

Is that a problem?

Is that a text?

Wow.

Very raw, very vital, very now.

Yeah.

I mean, that could have been recorded live at one of the scholars gigs at the Ratkeller.

Who gives a thimble?

Who gives an absolute thimble box?

Not me.

Certainly not.

You must be thinking of somebody else.

I don't care at all about anything.

No, none of the scholars do.

I don't care about anything at all.

Do you care?

Do you care about like when your milk goes off, you still just have your milk off milk on your cornflakes.

Or do you care?

No, I don't.

I don't like it personally.

I do care about that.

That was Chris Aylett or Aylett.

He sent that in.

Thanks a lot, Chris.

Maybe the scholars are playing in a little creepy pub near you tonight and they might play that song.

That would be good, wouldn't it?

Very exciting.

I love small creepy pubs.

that smell they're my favorite kind um listen text the nation is the segment of the show where we give you a subject and you text us about it um this week's subject is fiddles okay now we're not talking about object fiddles we're talking about body fiddles so this is stuff you do

When you're doing something else and you just want to occupy your body like for instance mm-hmm when I'm writing Sometimes with a friend I will without knowing it start to wiggle now you're doing some now in fact a little bit you least I start to wiggle my knee you know this is a very very popular one you keep your toes on the ground lift the heel and

and then you just undulate the knee rapidly.

He's a leg joggler.

And then without knowing it you can start to undulate the entire room maybe the table that you're working at and the person you're working with can think it's some kind of tremor if you're working in Los Angeles.

If you've got two leg jogglers working together in the same room and they become and they start to synchronize.

Very dangerous.

Then you can get a real tremor happening.

Very dangerous but it often happens you know you don't know you're doing it and it creeps up on you.

Okay here's another one number two that's a very basic one number two

What I like to do is I like to get my bottom lip between my thumb and forefinger, thumb and forefinger at the corners of the bottom lip, push together to create a loop in the bottom lip, push the loop back and bite down with the top teeth.

Lip loop.

So you look like a kind of a froggy.

It's like you're making an M with your bottom lip and then you're pushing it in.

Rock a posh rabbit.

Yeah.

Hello.

That's very satisfying.

Do you have any carrots?

In fact, I like to do that to my lady partner.

friend.

I like to do that.

What are you doing?

Are you biting her?

No, I just get hold of her lip and I stuff it in her gob.

I tuck it in there.

Tuck it in there.

Yeah.

Nice little picture you've painted there.

Thanks a lot.

What do you like to do with your, what's your fiddle routine?

I've got a beard.

Oh, there's a whole new world of facial fiddles.

Yeah.

So I, I, you know, I'll sort of play around with a little bit just below the lip.

Really?

Do you know a thing?

Here's a thing, like sometimes people have hair fiddles.

Like there'll be a particular little tuft of hair that they'll like to twizzle.

And when I was a teenager, I thought that I could maybe actually adjust the shape, the style of my hair or the shape of my face.

I thought if I fiddle enough with a bit of my face, like I can make my chin squarer or more prominent.

If I just do that all my life.

Well, I mean, in theory, that works, doesn't it?

Does it?

I think so.

You can more or less change the shape of your body.

You can mould your face like very slow motion plastic surgery over years and years.

Surely.

I mean, that's what those hideous shoes in Japan used to do, isn't it, to geisha ladies sometimes?

Am I getting my facts confused here?

But you know the ones I mean, the very constrictive ones.

Sure, or a tribesperson with the multiple necklaces that extend the neck.

So you can do those kind of things.

You could wear

Like a mask of Brad Pitt.

This subject's amazing.

This is amazing.

It's world-changing.

And I mean, aren't they even marketed?

Am I just imagining this?

Like celebrity masks that you wear at night to mold your face into the shape of a celebrity's face.

I mean, if these don't exist, I couldn't.

You make a lot of money.

But that's a good idea because you have a plastic, let's think of the biggest star in the world, Madonna.

Is she still the biggest?

I'm joking.

Madonna, she's the biggest star in the world.

What if you had a plastic mask and it was for kids and just every night you put that mask, you'd have to have different sizes as the kid grows older.

You could shape your child's face.

Literally mold your child.

Like Madonna.

And imagine what an easy life they'd have.

Looking just like Madonna as a Madonna look-alike.

That would be tough though for Madonna as well because you'd have to... What about you do it with the guy from the Aphex Twin?

Then the world would be like a Chris Cunningham Aphex Twin video.

Yes, exactly.

What's he called that chap, Aphex Twin Man?

He is called... Roddy Piper.

Tommy Knockers, I think.

He's another Tommy Knocker.

Richard James, he's called.

Anyway, send us your fiddles, right?

Yes.

We want to know your fiddles.

Please describe them quite accurately.

They don't have to be spectacular, they can be small.

How about chewing your cheek there, chewy cheeks, as Julian Barrett might say.

Well, we have done body food in the past, bits of your body that you eat, so we want to try and steer away from that.

We've done bits of body that you eat?

We did weird food fiddles.

No, we have, because I remember talking about cuticles, eating cuticles.

So this must be fiddles, taps, kind of slightly mildly obsessive compulsive little twitches or fiddles, fun, rapid action things to do.

Fun things, not self-harm.

No.

No, we've already got bit too close to that with our Black Squadron command this morning.

Yeah, exactly.

So there you go.

Text number is 64046.

You can email as well.

Adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

I'm just tapping my papers like a news reader.

I don't like it.

Okay.

Makes me angry.

Alright then.

Here's something to cheer you up.

Death Cab for Cutie.

You're a tourist!

It's a shame.

It's a little shame, isn't it?

That's very nice.

So isn't it Death Cab for Cutie with You Are A Tourist?

Sorry listeners, but I'm a little bit smelly this morning.

Don't think they'll notice.

Honestly.

I put it on clean this morning and it's just, I think I've been washing at a very low temperature to save the planet.

You're quite a her-stute man.

Her-suit?

What is that word?

Like astute and her-suit.

You're quite a her-stute man.

Yes I am her-stute.

But it means odours get trapped in your fur.

This is the beginning of an advert.

Do odors get trapped in your fur?

Are you a small monkey man?

Then use furry stink out.

I've run out of furry stink out.

The scented comb that you can use.

Removes small animals too.

To groom your body hair.

Gets rid of knits, stinches and knots.

Knits, knots and stinks.

Stinches, knits, knots and lunches.

I really need it because I'm not happy with my wash.

I'm fine.

I'm only three or four feet away from you and I can't smell nothing.

I'll wear this shirt for the rest of the flipping day though, James.

You're so astute.

So listen, if you listen to the podcast of this show, you might have heard the Lizard in the Blizzard song.

Right.

Which Dr. Buckles composed as a tribute to the G6 song.

Fly Like a G6.

Could never remember who that was.

Have we played it in the show itself, or only in the podcast?

It's podcast listeners only.

So if you don't listen to the podcast, here is a sample of this ongoing kind of musical soap opera.

It started off as a riff on the G6 song, but now it's taken on a life of its rhyming own.

Here's a reminder.

popping jingles in the podcast like a lizard a lizard making jingles in the blizzard every time the lizard takes a pee it solidifies now he is surrounded by a bunch of frozen weesticks frozen weesticks frozen weesticks

So you can understand how a song is powerful of that, as that might have captured the public imagination.

That was episode one of the... How many episodes have there been?

Four.

Four?

Yeah.

Four.

Episode five on this week's podcast.

And so we got this email from Abby Feltham.

Is that her name or is she in Feltham, Young Offenders Institution?

No.

Abby.

She says, Dear Ads and Jozza, did you know that super cool mashup DJ JaguarSkills

Yeah, I know Jaguar skills.

Sampled the Wii sticks in a mix on one extra last week.

He was mixing like a G6 into Nero's Me and You.

Both records we know very well.

And he added a cheeky little sample of the Adam and Joe show at the end.

Now this makes you cool!

Congrats!

You should go to Ibiza!

He's a mystery guy, isn't he?

Like he's a... no one knows his true identity?

He is very important in the dance world.

Jaguar skills?

Is he?

Let's hear this clip from his mix.

It's subtle, but it's there.

I don't think so.

I think it fits in perfectly.

That's exciting.

One Extra.

That's cool.

That was like a little glimpse into the world of One Extra.

It's very exciting there, isn't it?

Because young people generally... They like noises.

They do, they love noises.

noises, thumping and banging and noises and squealing.

Because people who are aged between around 17 and 25 don't generally listen to this program.

Oh, that's nonsense.

Is it?

Yeah, that's nonsense.

That is nonsense.

That's much more vehement response.

No, but that's nonsense.

No, but the nonsense button's gone off.

Seriously, the nonsense button.

It's flashing.

Cornballs!

That is nonsense!

Nonsense!

If you listen to this program when you're aged 70 to 25, write to Dr. Buckles right now and tell him what for.

There might be a few aberrant... Adam and Joe.

sits at music at bbc.co.uk I'm generalising that I think our listeners are either very young and don't know any better.

Or they're more sort of our age, but I think I not such nonsense nonsense, but I think the young does he hop hop?

Hop the funny Easter Bunny the funny Easter Bunny is back with the voice of Russell Brand.

Would you like to see?

Arthur starring

um sorry did i break the desk james when i thumped my hands one of the mics has gone wonk wonkazoid i won't thump the desk anymore i'm sorry about that so listen that's exciting isn't it that dj uh dj jaguar skills has sampled weesticks yeah he's like the chris morris of the remix world

Yeah, you can't believe it.

Adams, he's put his hands on his head as if he's just trying to take it all in.

I'm showing off my stinky sweat patches.

It's very exciting.

That's great.

Thank you very much.

Who was that that sent that in?

That was sent in by Abby in Feltham Young Offenders Institution.

Thank you very much, Abby.

Or in the place Feltham.

Here's a free play for you, Joe.

Yeah, this is Sam Amedon, who's an American folk-y type sing-y man, and this is called Fall On My Knees.

Scratchin' Scratchin' Widget Widget Widget Scratchin' Scratchin' Scratch Scratch Scratchin' I'm a man, I live in a rocket My name's Herbie and I got a pocket In the pocket is a little man And the name of the man is Tony!

Over to you Joe and Seacorns!

Hello.

There we go.

Wow, that was a very good Herbie Hancock impression.

It was good, wasn't it?

Good rapping as well.

I met him once.

I just made that up.

On the top of my head I was rapping.

Did you meet Herbie?

I did.

He was exactly like that.

Herbles?

Yeah.

It was in the foyer of the Barbican.

The foyer?

Yeah, he was playing Headhunters and I shook his hand.

Did you?

I was very tempted to crush it.

And did he say- Because he's got the most amazing hands obviously because he played the piano.

So he wanted to destroy them.

It was very trusting for him to stand there and shake all these people's hands because all somebody needed to do was be like Jaws in the James Bond film.

Punch his bones and that'll be it!

You gotta be a bit of a nutbag though to do that, don't you?

Destroy the hand of the man you love.

Hi.

Did he say, oh my god, it's JC!

I can't believe it's, I can't believe it's Dr. Sexy!

It's Jaycorn!

Will you please, will you please do an impression of me rapping Jaycorn?

having microphone problems here.

Sorry, I think Dr. Buckles caused a lot of technical problems after thumping my fists on the desk.

We've had a lot of emails in from 17 to 25 year olds.

Oh really?

Who are furious with you.

Disproving my fear.

You've alienated a lot of them now.

I didn't say I didn't want them to listen.

There goes your youth vote.

I was just worried that they may not and that they were too busy listening to Tommy Freckles.

What's his name, the guy on Radio 1 that I was talking about earlier?

DJ Flippy Flip.

Matt Edmondson.

There you go, yeah.

And DJ Jaguar Skills and that kind of thing.

Made up jokes?

Yeah, let's have some made up jokes!

Come on, let's have a jingle!

Here it is!

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree.

Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party.

Now we should alert you to an extraordinary thing that's happened online.

Here's an email from PJ in Manchester.

Hello Adam, hello Joe.

I've had a lot of repetitive work to do recently and to combat the boredom, I listened back to some older podcasts, including your own.

I reached the point where you began including the made up joke section into the Chuckle Mix and after a curious Google, I was unable to find a definitive list of the jokes featured in the show.

I've therefore thrown one together at the following address.

address.

I can't speak today.

Http colon forward slash forward slash.

Do I need to do that anymore?

What kind of address is that?

I haven't finished yet.

Forward slash made up joke party all one word dot tumbler dot com tumbler spelt t u m b l r if you're not familiar with tumbler.

That's made up joke party dot tumbler dot com.

Glad to have you chaps back on the wireless PJ from Manchester.

So you should go and check out that site because he has archived I think I'm not sure whether he's done it exhaustively, but he's certainly archived a lot of the made up jokes that have been read out on this program.

He's the designeth immaculate.

I don't know if he's like a special web design professional, but he's done an amazing job.

It's beautiful to look at and they're very well collated.

And if you ask me, it's the beginning of a resource that the internet sorely lacks.

We couldn't find a proper joke database.

There are one or two things claiming to be joke databases, but they're not very thorough.

Quality control is a bit random.

Yeah.

I mean, the other thing is that it is a bit of a nest of eggs.

What's the word I want?

Crown of thorns.

It's a bit of a worm basket, um, because- Can of worms.

Yeah, can of worms.

There you go.

That's what I was after.

Nest of eggs.

It's a bit of a nest of eggs.

Because, um, he's got, like, for example, the bad Minton joke on there.

Which I think everyone agrees now is a Tim Vine joke.

But I don't know if he's credited that to Vine on the actual... But there needs to be... I mean this whole problem would be solved by Jokepedia.

By a central database of all jokes that records their history.

And when they were first... It would be like the Doomsday Book.

Sure it would.

But for jokes.

So I think that's the beginning of that PJ.

You might have saddled yourself with a job for life that pays you nothing.

Yeah, good one.

Now here we're going to add to... Now here we're going to add to that database now.

This is from Marsho.

Marsho's from Sydney, Australia, mate.

Mate!

I tell you what, it's absolutely lovely there at the moment.

Is it nice?

Not necessarily weather-wise, but just the general feeling.

Just the vibe, mate.

It's absolutely lovely.

Oh, it's so nice, you could get just tanned by the vibe.

Gonna pop down the... What's the main road there called Oxford Street?

Roadie.

Roadie Road?

Yeah, Roado.

I could have a lovely outdoor break here.

You're going down roto.

I'm going down roto.

Ah, so nice there today, mate.

I'll see you on roto.

Watch out for that roo.

So, um, Marshall says, so did you hear about those removal men who could stuff hundreds of cooling devices into their low slung vehicle?

they formed a band and call themselves the fan low van crim criminals the fan low van criminals the fan low van cramming alls the fan low van criminals fan low van crime

It's a tuneful one.

A tuneful one.

You've got a tuneful part.

It was tough.

He had to break the ice.

He was the first joke off the segment.

We went in with quite a complicated one.

I've got another quite similar one here.

I do like ones like these because they're so tortured you know that they're authored.

Dear Adam and Joe, back in the day my sister and I made up a game where we tried to construct the most contrived, pun-filled sentence possible.

I believe that one of our efforts can be turned into a hilarious joke, although many friends and acquaintances disagree.

What did the furniture repair man say to the customer who wanted to do the furniture repairs without any assistance?

I don't stink stoolby table to do it draw shelf.

That's good.

Come on.

You do that again.

What did the furniture repair man say to the customer who wanted to do the furniture repairs without any assistance?

That is a tongue twister.

Where is it?

I don't, I don't.

Oh yes.

I don't stink.

You can't say stink, it's sink.

I don't sink stool to be, it's impossible.

I don't sink stool to be able to do it yourself.

It's impossible.

It's very good.

That's very good.

And that comes from Daniel and Laura.

If anyone would like to buy this joke for use in Christmas crackers or stand up routine, then we're open to offer.

So Daniel and Laura, thanks.

Bye.

Here's some pithy ones, which I do believe were authored by the people who say they done them.

This is from Bill Booth in Tottenham, and he says, I made two made-up jokes.

They caused those near and dear to me to become deeply morose.

Always the sign of a good joke.

But they are self-authored, and I'm proud of them.

Number one, why did the Belgian keep mixing up his indefinite articles?

Because he was Anne Twerp.

That's good.

I like that.

That's good.

Because he was Antwerp.

He's Antwerp.

Antwerp.

Number two.

Which American state is Scooby-Doo from?

Idaho.

That's quite good.

Idaho.

I mean, they've possibly been done before.

Shut up!

I will not.

Shut up!

I maintain that they may have been done before.

Shut up!

Shut it!

No!

Shut up!

No!

Oh, that's amazing.

An amazing film.

That's a good joke.

Good jokes.

Who are they from?

That's Bill Booth from Tottenham.

Okay.

Here's another one.

This is from Simon Bennett in Crouch End.

And this is more a witty thing he said.

Yeah.

All right.

We were in a Spanish restaurant eating tapas and a friend raised the question, what supermarkets do they have in Spain?

I promptly replied, I think they must have Spain's breeze.

He did it fast.

Spain's breeze, Spain's bang.

Straight in there with Spain's breeze.

Spain's breeze.

They do, don't they?

Spain sprays.

That was from Simon Bennett in Crouch.

James Neat says, and here's a nice pithy one, which I'm not sure maybe has been made before.

James Dyson is launching a new range of vacuum cleaners.

He's adding to his hoovera.

His hoovera.

Hey!

Hey, this would be an opportune time to comment on some of the emails we received after complaining about that hand washer, the Dyson hand washer somebody said pushed the water up onto your wrists.

And lots of people emailed in to say that people who found water being pushed onto their wrists were doing it wrongly.

incorrectly using the blade insert your hand sideways laterally then pull out and then pull out so the water is pushed down towards fingertips yeah you deserve water on your cuffs if you're misusing the blade you've got to look at the instructions he's adding to his hover I've got one or two jokes that only work in select company yeah I picked them out because you can only say them in crowds that will understand certain things so these won't play widely

Right.

You've got to be careful where you use them.

Yeah.

So here's one, for instance, from John the entomologist.

John the entomologist!

What does an entomologist do, Adam?

Insects, isn't it?

Yeah, correct.

Hi, Adam and Joe.

This joke only works in certain circles.

Question.

Why was the sleeping giant blinded when a Sassanid Persian cavalry man charged into his face?

Because he had a cataphract in his eye.

The reason a cataphract was a type of armored heavy cavalry used in ancient warfare by a number of cultures

I like these ones.

Here's another one that can only be used in select company.

And this is by Gareth Carroll.

What did two... What did two compound... Oh, God.

You do one.

I'll come back to this one.

All right, then.

Here's a really nice one, I think.

Phil McNamara.

He's a male, man.

He says... And this is just a one-liner.

There's a convent full of stupid people, except for one.

And she's none the wiser.

I'm going to have a second try at this joke that only works in select company.

What did two compound analgesic painkillers do to jointly encrypt the burrowing garden mammal?

Flipping heck.

What did two compound analgesic painkillers do to jointly encrypt the burrowing garden mammal?

Kokodomol.

Did you hear Julian's Kokodomol joke?

It's the funniest analgesic comment that I've heard all month.

He was absolutely the star of the conference.

Some people come out with the most tedious analgesic jokes.

Michael McIntyre should open with that.

Listen, I think that's a new subsection of made up jokes.

What would you call it?

I don't know, just incredibly incredibly hard to get jokes.

Yeah, man, we could carry on, but we have to do other things in this program.

We could just do a whole made up joke show.

We've said it before, but please keep them coming in.

Sorry if we didn't read yours out.

We read them all, though, and very much enjoy them.

And you never know, they may end up on that database right now.

Here's Arcade Fire.

This is ready to start.

that was good wasn't it arcade fire with ready to start this is adam and joe here on bbc6 music nice to have you along and we've pushed right the way through the noon barrier i don't know if you noticed that nice um and uh i think we should get back to text the nation right now but uh we're going to do so by way of a new jingle another new jingle that's been sent in thank you so much for these please keep them coming and this is a dubstep

uh treatment of the song wars theme by oliver dentith from manchester he presumably would be in trouble if he was a dentist don't you think with that surname that radio program Adam Buxton a funny man he's got a wheezy laugh let's hear the jingle

What if I don't want to?

Come on, Jaguar skills.

Stick that in your groove pipe and smoke it.

It's extraordinary business.

Yeah.

Do you know what that reminds me of?

No.

When you're on a dance floor, right?

Like what we are all the time, because we've got a club in our lot.

And when you think you know when the beat's going to come in, and you get your body physically ready to really do a big star jump, and then whoever's done the record knows you're thinking that and they undercut you by tricking you.

Yeah, they put in... I mean a lot of contemporary dance music is like that anyway, isn't it?

And it sorts out the weep from the chaff on the dance floor whether you know when it's going to drop.

Oliver Dentith knows that and that's why he done that jingle.

So you're a dentist and what was your surname?

Dentith.

Dentist?

Dentith.

You'll never get over that.

Hey, what?

So the topic for this week's Text the Nation, the topic was, but it's fiddles, little fiddles you enjoy doing that maybe irritate other people, but you can't get by without.

I drum my heel.

I like to push my lower lip and bite down on it with my top teeth.

But here's, I'm going to clear my throat, sorry.

Nice, I caught that.

Sorry, here's one from Matt.

I'm sorry about that listeners, I do sincerely apologise.

I enjoy flicking my Adam's apple with my index and middle fingers.

It helps me think.

Now someone I know, do you do that?

Only when you're doing a... Well I do that because I do the wick-a whistle and this is true.

I wouldn't want to do that.

I'd be frightened I might, because in my mental brain I see the Adam's apple as a sort of ball, a kind of ball bearing held in a sort of

Sort of sort of quite feeble tube yes, and I would one I would worry if I flicked it too hard it Michael It might pop out Swallow it and it would just roll out through your bottom.

Yeah, and it would pop into the Davi later I'd have to pop it back in

Could that happen?

Has that happened?

I'm sure it's happened.

It should happen in a horror film.

That would be bad, wouldn't it?

There's probably some sort of Heimlich maneuver you can do to pop it back up.

That's a good one though.

I flick my cheeks sometimes to make it, you know.

to make the drop of water.

That's more of a trick than a fiddle.

Here's one from Louise.

I have a pair of earrings that are just the right length and shape to repeatedly flick one up into my ear and shake it out.

Very satisfying.

So she can flick it up and let it sit in her ear.

And presumably she waggles her head and lets it drop out.

Might be nice and cool.

Is that what the metal is?

The inner ear.

Your ear is too hot.

You pop the earring in.

Well, here's one from Nell.

I like to cross my little toe over the one next to it.

I do this on both feet with my big toes.

My husband hates it, but I feel right and I will never stop doing it.

Right.

My wife does this thing where she balances, I'm just reminded by that, holds her arm in the air and just sort of balances it as if like...

Weird.

Sounds like some lady yoga thing she's read in some mag.

I don't know what she's doing, but in her mind, she is not using any effort to keep the arm in the air.

You know what I mean?

She's just like... I smack it down.

Yeah, quite rightly.

What are you doing?

Get your arm down!

If there's no reason for your arm to be in the air, then stop it, woman!

Where's my fish fingers?

that's the way to do it here's one from uh brow fiddler in leeds fiddle i rub my eyebrows the wrong way so they're all tufty nice then i take satisfaction in making them all perfect by smoothing them down again well something nice right now the fun thing to do is like for a joke present at a stag party that i went to the other day with lots of middle-aged men at it um someone had got us all nose hair trimmers and eyebrow trimmers

And so the fun thing I do every now and again is I ruffle up my eyebrows and then I trim the heck out of them with the little eyebrows.

Do you?

Yeah.

You trim your eyebrows.

I mean, I remember because sometimes they can get well unruly and there's nothing a woman hates less than an unruly brow.

There's nothing a woman loves more than a man with well-groomed eyebrows.

Exactly.

That's what I wanted to say, not hates less.

Matt Peace in Stourbridge writes, similar to your lip loop, I pluck the hair that sprouts between my bottom lip with my teeth.

Oh, beneath my bottom lip with my teeth.

It hurts, but in a good way.

So that's that biting or a little bit of beard underneath it.

How do you do that?

Get it in your teeth there.

Really?

So you have to get the hair between the teeth and then pull it out.

That's tricky.

But as a beard owner, you, you're good at it.

Sometimes what I do is when my moustache overhangs, I'll grab a little bit of that between my teeth and yank one out just to give myself a little painful thrill.

Here's one from Andy.

Hi Adam and Joe.

My sister Nikki has a major body fiddle with her ear that she's done since she was a toddler.

She's been doing it so long now that she's able to tuck her ears into their own holes and leave them there for about half an hour, happily disturbing all around her.

I used to be very jealous of people at school who could do that.

People at school I was jealous of, people who could do that ear thing and then they could flick the lobe and the ear would unfold itself.

Boing!

And then I was also jealous of the people who could fold their eyelids.

Yeah, that's tricky.

You don't want to start messing with that.

No, I mean it's dangerous.

It's grotesque.

You know, you shouldn't do things like stick cotton buds too far in your ears either while we're at it.

So listen, those are very brilliant responses to our Text The Nation subject and don't forget you can text as well 64046.

We'll return to the subject once more before the end of the show.

Here is Noah and the Whale.

This is called Tonight's The Kind Of Night.

Tonight's The Kind Of Night.

That's Noah and the Whale, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.

Don't forget that you can hear our new Song Wars songs on the blog right now and the address of the blog is bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash Adam and Joe.

And they are Royal Wedding themed songs this week.

And you can vote for which one is your favourite by emailing adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

Oh, the voting will close next Thursday, Friday.

Dear me, I stood outside in the garden.

Did you?

Because I was convinced the Lancaster bomber and the flypast would fly over my house because they usually do.

So I ran out when Kate and Wills came on the balcony and stood in the garden in my dressing gown and pajamas.

Sure.

It didn't.

I was furious.

Sorry mate.

And I missed the big kiss and everything.

I didn't see any of that, unfortunately.

Didn't you?

I tell you what the most amazing thing was.

I'm going to watch it again.

It was the way the police have honed their kettling techniques in a benign way.

So they did this amazing sort of benign kettling where they controlled the flow of the crowd up the Mall to Buckingham Palace.

Did you see that, James?

And it was amazingly done.

At first I thought they weren't going to let the crowd get as close to the palace as they usually do.

but then they start the pleats line started advancing forward and this massive crowd sort of fanned around and joined and unified and then went right up to the gate wow it was very whoever organized that thing the television coverage it was super super smooth yeah the crowd everything the crowd handling i thought it was amazingly organized crowd choreography yeah

nice job that's my tuppence worth and that was the i loved it thank you very much it's an opinion program and another edition of joe cornish and his tuppence next week uh but now it's 12 30 and it's time for the new

That's the beat.

With hands off she's mine.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Nice to be with you.

How about some Traveling Tales?

That's a very good idea.

All right.

Now here's one that was sent in by our kind of in-house illustrator man James Hood.

Has James illustrated every show so far or just the first couple?

I don't think I've seen his last couple yet.

Well you can see them on the blog.

He's a man that got in touch with the show.

He's a talented illustrator James Hood.

and he has very kindly illustrated various aspects of this show which you can see on our blog.

A reminder that's bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash adamandjoe.

Anyway, James gets in touch on the subject of travel and tales.

Hi Adam and Joe, hope all's well with you on the subject of nightmare train journeys.

I was once on a train sitting next to Richard Herring.

friend of Six Music of course, he was minding his own business, watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and tweeting frantically on his iPhone.

A small boy, perhaps five years old, was sitting opposite him, eating crisps and swinging his legs, and in so doing, accidentally kicked Richard Herring's knee softly a number of times.

This visibly upset Richard Herring, who began to stare the child out.

When this didn't work, Richard Herring, the man, checking the mother wasn't looking, kicked the five-year-old boy back somewhat harder.

the boy moved to sit opposite us and spent the rest of the journey kicking my wife so in short herring kicks child carrying kicks five-year-old child assaulted by television comedian yeah exactly and he says also could you pass my congratulations to Joe for his success with attack the block looking forward to seeing that next month thank you very much James hood

Have you got any travelling tales there?

Yes, I do.

Here is one from... I tell you what, I'm going to leave the name until the end of the email.

Here is my annoying train story.

In fact, that's written in capital, so... Here is my... ANNOYING TRAIN STORY!

There we go.

On a journey from Sheffield to London not so long ago, a family of parents, a daughter, and the daughter's boyfriend sat adjacent to me.

I have to add, the daughter and boyfriend were at least 30 years old.

They started this two-hour journey with a homemade London quiz, loudly shouting the answers out, questions such as, where did all the pearly kings and queens originate from?

Then they all proceeded to decorate gingerbread men with icing.

What?

Then they got the ticket woman to judge the gingerbread men.

and declare the winner, which meant more noise.

Finally, they unveiled a large spread of all kinds of smelly food, including alcohols.

And after eating it all, they proceeded to brush the crumbs in my direction.

I have a few qualms with crumbs and food on trains, so this was particularly annoying.

I arrived in London, not very happy, had a terrible night out.

Love from Emily, a woman.

So she has become infuriated by a very infuriating family.

By a jolly family who are making their own entertainment on a train and involving everyone in the fun.

A gingerbread icing competition.

A homemade quiz.

Judged by the conductor.

But it's funny isn't it, like one person's good time can be the other person's living hell.

You know I would say that kind of behaviour is a little tiresome.

Whose side would you be on?

Well I'd be on the side of the lady.

Emily's or happy family?

It depends how happy they are if they're really, you know, they can they can have their own good times without annoying everyone else, surely, can't they?

Not when Emily's sitting near them.

I guess not.

Here's someone who was outraged by the story I was telling last week, or at least my response to the story that someone told about

ruining the fun of people who try and reserve seats next to them by piling their bags.

Yes tactics for trying to get a spare seat get a bit of space around you.

And this is from Victoria Green who says as a long time fan of the show and a regular almost daily user of trains I was disappointed to learn that you Adam Buxton are among the many who believe your bag deserves a separate seat all by itself.

You say that people can always ask you if they want to sit down but my feeling is they shouldn't have to.

What if someone is a tiny bit shy, has a bad throat or doesn't speak the language?

I got on a train yesterday and when somebody quite rightly asked the man opposite me if he could take the seat that was currently occupied by the man's bag, said man begrudgingly picked it up saying, if you have to.

I wanted to punch him but contented myself with giving him evil looks which of course he didn't notice.

You must stop this selfish practice now!

I was going to email you initially about something else, but once inflamed with anger about your train etiquette or lack thereof, I forgot what.

Yours hopefully, Victoria Green.

I'm confused.

What's the gist of that?

So she is basically saying that it's not good enough for me to, you know, say that I'm going to take my bags away if anyone else comes and wants to use them.

She's just outraged by anyone being selfish enough to do the bag piling.

Here's the key.

How small is your smallest child?

Two.

What's the middle?

How old is Natty?

Six.

Okay.

And you've got quite a big rucksack, haven't you?

I've got a collection of small ones.

Pop Natty in the rucksack.

Yes.

Make some little leg holes and arm holes.

And when anyone complains, that's Natty's cue to stick his limbs out the holes and his head would pop up and he'd shout something aggressive.

A turtle.

So it's an immediate switcheroo.

The person thinks it's a bag.

It's not a bag, it's a person.

It's a little baby.

And they're sussed.

It's a little guy.

It's a little guy, a little chappie, a happy chappie.

Yeah.

Yeah, problem solved.

That's a brilliant idea.

Come to the Cornballs with your problems.

Thanks, Cornballs.

I mean, I'd probably do it with my two-year-old.

She's easier to carry.

Yeah, good idea.

Well, you've got a different kid for each sized bag.

Sure.

Depending on your travel props.

Thanks, Cornballs.

Here's a fun... I'm very enthusiastic.

It sounds like you're just trying to make me feel happy.

I don't know if you're planning on dragging out the train game item.

Yes, we are.

But if you are, here is my game.

Oh, this is the wrong one.

I wasn't going to read this one out.

I'm backpedaling.

I'm sorry, Amy.

Hey, can we have that weird noise that someone sent in?

This is from Sam Goddard, who says, a few months ago, I was traveling from London Bridge back to my home in Tadworth.

Half days after a long day at work, I heard this voice.

I don't know if I was listening to a hypnosis tape.

or the calm voice of a Hannibal type character.

To this day I can't work out if the voice was the driver or some amazing computer voice.

I've played this sound clip to many people and opinion is split.

What do you think listeners?

We'll serve it now for that freedom, smithom, wooden-stone, chip-stead, kingswood, tapworth, and tat-in-caller.

That is a good voice.

It sounds like he's got a pinched nose and he's peculiarly elongating certain words.

It's too eccentric to be a computer, isn't it?

That's a real guy.

No, I think it's a computer what has gone wrong.

You reckon?

Yeah.

A party computer?

That has been wrong.

But if you were a real guard and you didn't want any hassle from the passengers, that would be the way to play it.

That's right.

Stay in your box and talk like a robot whenever you have to talk through the talking thing.

Welcome aboard the 855 service to Atworth.

Hope you're enjoying.

Don't forget that a full-body service is available in the muffin carriage.

I think you'll find that more and more in public life as lazy workers try and get off things pretending to be Roberts.

Like if you were a genuine human living phone answerer in some call centre, you could just pretend to be a robot.

Then you wouldn't have to interact with anybody.

Wicked idea that is a wicked idea.

Just pretend if we could do it on this program Hello, welcome to Adam and Joe on six music Have you ever pretended to be a Robert on the phone because you know sometimes?

You'll get through to someone's answering machine and their message will be so conversational.

You're actually fooled You know the message will be something like hi Thanks for calling

And you think the persons are robots.

Hello.

Hi.

Not sure that's happened to me.

You know what I do like to do is if I call up an automated answering machine, I like to talk to them in a highly obscene way and get quite sweary and aggressive because of course they can't respond their robots.

But it's a good way to let off steam.

So when I select my films, I do it in a very, very racy fashion.

Peppered with foul language.

And if it's being recorded for quality control purposes, so much the better.

Here's a free play for you right now, listeners.

And this popped up accidentally on my MP3 player the other day, but I enjoyed the heck out of it.

It is from April 1992.

Track sampled from a reggae number from Jar Screechie entitled Walk and Skank, which itself was based on Slim Smith's Never Let Go.

Joe, who am I talking about?

I have no idea, I wasn't listening.

I'm talking about, of course, SL2.

This is on a ragged tip.

Ah, 1992.

I like it, I like it, it's good.

A great period for music and one of the greatest records from that period.

Hey James, shall we have the classic Text-A-Nation jingle to get us into a final bit of Text-A-Nation right now?

Hang on a second, what's that?

This is someone sent in a design.

Earlier in the program, Count Bicules was fretting over what outfit he should wear to a premiere he's going to next week, and someone has sent in rather a beautiful drawing of him.

The premiere is for the film Attack the Block, so this person suggested that Adam might go in a big cardboard block costume, which is quite good.

And I'm holding a sign that says, when are we filming my scenes?

That's a little bit of a painful reminder.

Hey, you are in it.

Well, I'm in.

What am I in?

Like the telly in the background and the voice of the nature doc?

That came from Toby Smith.

Yeah, it's a very prominent, important, pivotal moment.

Okay.

Thanks for that, Toby Smith.

Yeah, let's have the textination, James.

Textination.

Text, text, text.

Textination.

What if I don't want to?

Textination.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

So the text the nation's subject this week listeners is all about body fiddles sort of irritating little habitual things not irritating to you but irritating to other people that you do to pass the time when you're thinking or and you don't quite sort of realize you're doing it.

Here is one from Duncan who is aged between 17 and 25.

Yeah in my face.

He says re body fiddles.

I sometimes like to grab my cheek and gradually pull it while keeping my lips closed.

Eventually a sort of vacuum effect is created and a short burst of air rushes in.

Does it?

Yeah.

I don't even want to make that noise a lot.

Let's move on.

Here is one from Lou on way to Liverpool from Bath for a wedding listening on Cardi AB.

When I'm thinking or getting excited, I rub my palms briskly together, keeping my hands very straight.

People say I look like a smiling, insane miser.

You generate quite a lot of heat when you do that.

That can be dangerous.

The hands can combust.

That's how spontaneous human combustion starts.

Is it?

No.

No, by people rubbing their hands together.

Dear Adam and Joe, this is from Liv Coombs, a woman, in Portishead.

Dear Adam and Joe, whenever I'm bored, I get my finger and put it in my mouth in the cheek area and make a pop sound.

It's very satisfying.

Obviously, it's very annoying and is followed by glares from my fellow classmates.

I do love the noise though, says Liv Coombs.

Is she just talking about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a basic... Doing the pop.

That's quite an annoying fiddle.

Okay, here is a tricky one.

I want you to try and do this one as I read it out, please, Count Bucky Lees, because I don't really know what she's describing.

Hey, Adam and Joe.

Oh, he is describing.

I lift all the fingers up apart from my middle finger, which I try and fold it into my hand, which I try and fold it into my hand.

Is this from one of our 17 to 25 year olds?

19.

He's called Ollie, he's a male, he's 19.

Okay, I'm going to read this verbatim.

I lift all the fingers up apart from my middle finger which I try and fold it into into my hand.

This somehow makes you lose control of it and it become limp.

I then use my other hand to flick it the tip of it and watch it jiggle.

My girlfriend makes me do it when she is bored but both of us get great satisfaction from it.

I include a crude diagram I did on paint very quickly to demonstrate the hand position.

Boy oh boy, that didn't make any sense.

Oh, there we go, you're doing it.

That's quite good, isn't it?

It's not like the most fun thing ever.

Well, they love it.

Ollie and his girlfriend love it.

What are you doing on Tuesday?

Shall we do the thing with the finger?

Yay!

Here's one from Jim.

I like to let my lips stick together, then inflate my mouth slowly with lung air.

It's fun to see how inflated my mouth gets before my lips split.

Also, on initial lip split, I like to stick my tongue through and wiggle it a bit.

initial lip split so he's turning himself into a dizzy Gillespie type big cheek guy here's one from Robert in Bermondsey which I can relate to I have a peculiar habit of forming an extreme pout so that my top lip has made contact with the tip of my nose reminiscent of a chimpanzee I will then inhale deeply with satisfaction before relaxing my contorted face I probably do this around 20 to 30 times a day my god

You can do that, I can't do that.

Can you not get your lip- I can't get my lip up there, no.

Is that as good as you can do, seriously?

Yeah, can't get it up there.

It's not anywhere near his nose.

No, nowhere near it.

It just looks like a sneer.

He's doing a- I'm too handsome.

I'm too handsome.

Only the eye.

I can more or less seal my nostrils with my top lip.

I mean I've got a kind of big set of nostrils as well.

Can't do it.

Monkey nose.

I like it.

And then it's fun to smell your top lip as well sometimes.

Yeah, is it?

Yeah, yeah, if you've been, especially with a moustache, you know, if you've got any breakfast morsels left over, any sort of honey or stuff, it's nice.

Nice.

So listen, if you want to contribute to that Text The Nation, because the show's about to finish now, don't forget retro Text The Nation in next week's show.

You can email during the week if you're listening again or listening to the podcast, adamandjo.6musicatpbc.co.uk.

Uh, or, yeah, no, that's it.

That's it.

Here are the Grizzly Bears, and this is two weeks.

Hmm, Grizzly Bear with two weeks.

Well, this is, uh, pretty much goodbye now, listeners, for our show this week, but before we go, don't forget to download that podcast.

It's gonna be available after 6 p.m.

this evening, if you've never heard it before.

Ho ho ho, I think you'll enjoy it.

It's all the most, um, all the least rubbish bits compiled into it.

Yeah.

and the podcast will include of course both song wars songs but you can also hear both song wars songs on the blog they'll be up there in a few hours i think they're up there now for your listening and analytical pleasure and then don't forget to vote via email adamandjoe.sixmusic.co.uk and just put

either Adam's name or my name in your subject heading.

You can put the thinking behind your vote in the body of the email if you want but it's great to have your vote in the subject heading that'll be really good.

Don't forget that you can contribute to this week's text the nation right the way through the week if you're listening to this program or listen again you can get involved right now and email us not text but email adamandjoe

dot six music at BBC dot co dot UK with that or anything else you'd like to tell us from your week until we're together again next Saturday we very much hope you enjoy yourselves be kind to each other thank you so much for listening I love you