Easter from the big British castle.
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This is like a radio program from the distant past.
Exactly.
That's why I was talking in that ridiculous way.
This is Adam here.
Hey, good morning.
This is Joe.
Welcome to the Adam and Joe radio show here on BBC6 Music.
And it's the entire nation of Britain bathed in glorious, yummy, honey-coloured sunshine.
Sure they are, especially Kate and Wills, can you imagine?
Can you imagine?
Glorious, yummy coloured sunshine they're bathed in.
Well, that's something to tease for this show because we really do have an extraordinary exclusive for you this morning on the Adam and Jo radio show here on 6music, obviously Royal Wedding Fever.
And we've secured a guest who basically is the greatest guest you could possibly receive in this week.
And no, no, no, not that guest.
What's he doing in here?
Out!
Out!
I thought we'd given him away to an orphan.
He will come back.
Get him out, James.
Can you get him out?
That's not the guest he's anticipating.
The complete opposite.
Adam, kick him out.
He's out!
He's like, get him out!
Honestly, 15 months away, and he comes back.
Well, he heard the word special guest.
Oh, stink.
And he's left a special present.
No, the special guest is, of course, the queen.
The queen.
The queen of England will be here live in the studio later for an exclusive interview.
That's amazing.
Building up to the big day.
She's been on the show before.
How did we get the queen?
Well, ever since she stopped presenting Blinder data.
Yes.
She has been a bit, she's got more free time, and she's a big, big fan of the show.
She's got, like, quite a large beard.
Have you noticed that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well met some ladies when they get older.
Yeah.
You know, new listeners are going to be a bit mystified.
By the Queen.
You just got to roll with it, though.
Yeah.
You know, new listeners to this show have all kinds of problems.
They do.
That's the least of their problems.
A wall of bafflement.
A wall of bafflement.
help anyway we got that plus lots of other tenuous features coming up in the show so please stay tuned uh here's a little bit of music in a second something else that'll mean absolutely we're gonna do the black squadron command soon the black squadron command that'll mean nothing to you as well if you've only just started listening you know james is this we're gonna play the jam i don't really like playing the jam because of the paul weller thing
Yes, I feel like he hasn't had an incident Not only do I feel like he hates me I know that he hates me so it's a bit weird when we play the jam because it's like I'm what other people Out there love him.
It's a great song the going underground by the jam I mean, you know, you can't argue with the classical smash attitude of the song, but it's like I
There's a bully singing at me.
Who hates me.
Well, we don't want that.
Let's have the Isley brothers instead.
The Isley brothers don't hate me, I don't think.
They love you.
I haven't met them, so... Big fans of the show.
They don't hate me yet.
It's your thing!
Here it is!
There you go.
That's nice, you see.
Thanks for that.
The Isleys, it's your thing.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
Happy Easter as well, listeners.
You know, for tomorrow, right?
Yeah.
And what a glorious sunshiny Easter day it is today as well.
It's lovely.
Hey, thank you very much as well to Sally Gossart.
She has made some Adam and Joe Easter men, some cutout men.
You can go on the blog and check these out.
They are there, or they will be there on the blog.
Joe, your mic's a bit weird.
I'm having problems.
I'm having problems.
Sorry, problems have been fixed.
Very rustly.
Now listen to me.
Why wasn't it like this in the first place?
It's on the Liz Kerchaw setting.
Right.
So Sally's brilliant at making these things, isn't she?
Yes, Sally Gossart.
She's got it down to an art.
A Sally Gossart.
She's made some for the characters in Attack the Block as well.
Very nice, yeah.
And so they're on the blog.
Go and check out our blog.
It's amazing.
You can spend hours and hours there just looking at the blog and reading the blog.
I have to say, I'm a little jealous of your ears.
I've got giant bunny ears.
You've got very big bunny ears.
I've got a little red pecky nose.
But c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?
So you check out the jog... the blog.
Basically, listeners, it takes about an hour for things to get going on the show, okay?
So just make yourself a cocktail.
And then they peak for about three minutes.
Make yourself a pie and a cocktail, put your feet up.
Here's the information you're going to need to interact with the programme this morning, though.
The text number is 64046.
The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
Were you going to do the blog address?
Yeah, bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash adamandjoe.
And of course, the first order of business this morning is the Black Squadron command.
Do we have the jingle, please, James?
Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the way Black Squadron rolls Black Squadron Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the Squadron's power Black Squadron
Black Squadron is of course the elite listening force who listen live to this program between 10 and 11, no 10 and 1030.
10 and 1030, is that what it is?
It's the worst hour of the show.
Really?
So they're even braver.
They're tough, they're hardy, they're bulletproof, they can put up with really sloppy broadcasting.
Plus they are a unified and trained elite fighting force.
That's right.
And they have a series of skills usually involving household objects around them at the time that they can deploy at any given moment.
And they're ready to be dropped into any major war zone or incident of civil unrest.
So we're going to issue a command for the squadron right now.
Commander Cornballs is going to issue the command and you need to have your photo devices standing by to take a picture of.
It's a single word command.
You can interpret that single word in any way you want.
Once you take the picture, you have to send it into the email address that Joe gave earlier.
Black Squadron are, of course, notorious for their speed of response, their accuracy of response, their creativity, and their inventiveness.
Yeah.
And they've never knowingly killed one of their own.
No, no, no, no.
Which is good.
It's unique.
Most armies, there's a bit of friendly fire and casualty, but that hasn't happened yet.
No, because they're too good.
Last week, I believe we received over 370 entries, many of which went up on the blog.
So stand by for this week's command.
It's quite exciting wouldn't you say?
Very exciting!
Very exciting indeed!
Geez that's Rumpelstiltskin's comeback.
The little gnomey man's back in here.
It's a very crowded studio this morning what with the dog and the queen waiting in the waiting reception.
Look at the queen.
That is a full beard.
She's let it really get unruly as well.
And Rumpel's is in here as well under the desk.
Get off my ankle, Rumpels!
Here we go.
Here's the Black Squadron command.
Is this it?
Yeah, yeah.
Let's do it.
Stand by, Black Squadron.
Your command is... Robot!
Yes, some extremely fast responses have come through already.
We're early in the process of sifting and vetting the Black Squadron photos.
There's going to be a lot of... There's going to be a tin foil shortage this weekend, isn't there?
I was hoping there would be some tin foil employed and there has been already.
We're going to have a close look at those and we'll get back to you with some, you know, named responses.
Careful with that tin foil, though.
why just because I you know it's very dangerous it can get hit by lightning you can get hit by lightning you can cook yourself if you wrap yourself up in that and put yourself stuff oven I mean yeah but if you went outside if you wrap yourself in foil like a robot and went outside in the
Do you remember in the old days before people knew about how dangerous the sun's rays could be when we were little kids, people would purposely lie on tinfoil in order to reflect the sun's rays on the lower areas of their bodies?
Yes, you'd get those ladies with sunglasses.
And sort of fans like bibs.
Bibs, mirror bibs.
Mirror bibs to get their chinny chins all tanned.
And they'd put olive oil on.
Not even suntan oil, olive oil.
Some people just smear a little bit of... Garlic butter.
Garlic butter, bit of goose fat.
Put some little chipolatas around their legs.
That's what Delia Smith does when she's sunbathing.
She does.
She wraps... She has a couple of bacon bracelets on there.
And Nigella Lawson, she just smears on the goose fat.
Shoves a couple of carrots up her nose.
Nice job.
Thanks.
Getting out of that corner.
Hey, I've got new boots and they, um, like I bought new walking boots, right?
Do you like them?
Yeah.
It's a fun sentence.
Hey, I've got new boots.
Well, I'm thinking about it.
It's good.
And, um, I got them yesterday about hiking boots.
They're sort of... They're very modern hiking boots.
They're like a cross between... I'm looking at them now.
They're a cross between trainers and hiking boots.
I'm like a space robot fighter man, aren't I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shoes, their shoes are exciting things these days.
The only problem with them, and I realised this, they stink of wee.
Why?
I don't know why, but they do.
I was working yesterday, I was breaking them in and I sat there at my computer and wearing them and they were thinking, oh these boots are comfortable.
Are you really breaking in boots while you're sitting at your computer?
Yeah.
Surely walking up a hill or something would be the way to break in some boots.
No, because I'm juggling.
Are you juggling with the mouth?
Joggling?
No, with my feet.
Oh, you're juggling with your feet, right.
And I'm thinking, what is that wee wee smell?
And I was at first, I was thinking, it's not me, is it?
Have I just lost control of all my faculties?
And I thought, no, that's not right.
And then I thought maybe it was the blossom.
Like, you know sometimes, like, very sweet blossom and flowers can slightly smell of urine?
Sure.
It's a natural smell.
Yeah.
And then I realized that it was my boots.
So now I'm, like, as James pointed out earlier... That happens to you every day though.
If it's not the boots, it's the trousers.
If it's not the trousers, it's just your bed.
Well this is the thing, isn't it?
As James pointed out earlier, it's the picture of me as a tramp man.
It's now becoming almost complete.
I'm going to play some music right now.
This is one of my free plays this week.
Every week, Joe and myself get to pick three of our own songs to add to the list of excellent music that our producer and the playlist compilers here at Six Music compile for you.
This is my first of them.
And it's going really well, wasn't it fell apart.
from an album that came out last year by The Chap.
Have you ever heard of The Chap?
They're an experimental pop band.
Well, I know the magazine.
There's a magazine called The Chap.
Not related.
Their music is a mix of rock and pop, it says on Wikipedia.
And it's good stuff, man.
Really enjoying Well Done Europe.
And this is a track that's got a summary refrain called Even Your Friend.
Yay!
Well done.
Let's know we're in the whale.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.
How you doing, listeners?
Nice to have you along.
Nearly time to stand Black Squadron down, but first let's have a look at through some... what?
A look through some of the pictures that they sent, and what an incredible response.
I know I say that every week, but this week it's a particularly incredible response.
I mean, one guy got his photo in so very quickly
and with such an extraordinarily elaborate robot outfit.
His name is Gary Keller.
Can you describe that, Adam?
He looks like Bob Mould, if you know what Bob Mould looks like.
And he's got a... He looks as if he's dismantled his water heater.
He had that ready, though, didn't he?
He's a man who has a robot costume that he's made himself, but he has it in his cupboard.
It's metal, it's got dials on the front and bits of circuitry stuck to it and a little tap coming out where his robot winky should be.
Best of all, he's got a sort of domed, sort of metallic cowl over his head.
Yes, he's got like a big metal kidney dish that's acting as a hood there on top of the whole thing.
Look, he's even got metal arms!
He's got a skin-tight, metallic body suit.
Come on, Gary, you've got to confess.
Did you have that ready?
Were you going to a robot party anyway?
Because that's amazing.
There are people like Dave Wilby, who has an actual Dalek in his house.
Yeah.
And has been able to take a picture of himself dressed as the Doctor, trying to repel it with some sort of a sonic screwdriver.
There's people who've been more lo-fi, like... Lelisha?
How would you say that?
Latita.
Latita, Lelita.
who has merely positioned a cyberman helmet on her cat's head.
That's a nice job though.
It's very effective.
Then there is sort of insane crazy robots like James Stringer who's merely just put tinfoil over his head.
Wrapped tinfoil around his head, put some sunglasses on and then positioned himself under a fan.
And then there are some sort of surreal high-impact robots like Peter Morton who seems to be in his office perhaps but he's drawn a robot face on an enormous cardboard box, put it on his head and he's doing the classic robot arms.
You can't go wrong with that, can you?
What is it about those arms that denote robotics?
Just the angle.
Just the right angle of the arm and the palm and thumb spread.
Robot.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Well, because it's hard to articulate.
Robots have trouble with... Is that from C-3PO or from Metropolis?
It's got to be a bit of both.
Bit of both.
I'm saying a bit of both.
The one in the same.
So wow, I mean there's so many amazing robots that have come through.
Various people have put pots and pans on their heads.
Andy Brown seems to have put a large pan on his daughter's head and she's holding a whisk and a spoon and she's got a tinfoil.
I'm building up to it.
She's got a tinfoil skirt.
But for eyes on the inverted pan, he's merely put two pieces of circular chorizo and they've obviously stuck because of their fatty content onto the metal.
How terrifying.
A robot with meat eyes.
Salami eyes.
Salami eyes.
She looks like Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga wishes she looked like that.
Yes.
Anyway, Lady Gaga's over.
I read it in The Guardian.
Oh, really?
The Guardian were the ones that told me that Lady Gaga was okay to like.
Exactly.
Thank you.
That was an incredible response.
Amazing.
Keep them coming in.
And don't forget, you can see all your pictures at the Adam and Joe blog, bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs, forward slash Adam and Joe, and they'll start going up as soon as we can get them up there.
Let's stand down the squadron before the news.
Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bun It's just gone 10.30 here on 6music, it's time for the news
Yes, that was Another Girl, Another Planet by The Only Ones.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
What have you got there, Joe?
I've got information about The Only Ones.
It appears on the band's 1978 eponymous debut.
The song holds place number 18 in John Peel's all-time festive 50.
Wow.
Quite an accolade there.
They're a good band, and I really like them.
And, um, yeah.
So I was in Centreparks this week.
I know, you had a little family holiday, didn't you?
How exciting.
It was amazing.
What a great week, and hey, I should also say that we were talking about the whole of Britain being bathed in sunshine, it's not true.
Is it not?
Disgruntled listeners in Edinburgh have, hey, they need to be represented by this program as well.
And apparently it's grey.
I'm joking.
It's grey.
Is it grey and nasty in Edinburgh?
I'm so sorry Edinburgh that it's grey and nasty.
It's not nasty though it's grey but it's fun and everyone's having a fun Edinburgh style time I'm sure.
All they got to do in Edinburgh is get together and blow the blow the clouds away.
Blow the clouds away.
Everyone just just faces into the sky and goes
If enough people do it, you can make it sunny.
Now what do you think the position is with grotesque Edinburgh accents?
Is that acceptable?
Like if they were- Well Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire.
Now if you can do Mrs Doubtfire, then you're alright.
That is actually as good as- Oh my dear!
Oh my dear!
Oh my boobies are on fire!
I better get these panellins!
Oh dear!
I like it, is it?
That's not dialogue from the film, but that's like the closed caption for the hard of hearing version.
So that's fine.
That's getting hysterical a bit early in the program.
Yeah.
Not for new listeners as well.
People, American actors like doing a bad Scottish accent.
They, it's like, um, it seems to be totally acceptable to do a rubbish Scottish accent.
Grant's Keep a Willy.
Mike Myers does one as well, doesn't he?
Yeah.
Who's the guy that does Grant's Keep a Willy?
That's, um... I don't know.
One of the Spinal Tap Chaps?
One of the Ma... No, it's one of the, um, Henka Zaria, is it?
Maybe.
On Simpsons?
Someone will correct me if I'm wrong.
And yes, of course, Mike Myers, who, he never misses an opportunity to do his bad Scottish accent.
He does it in So I Married an Axe Murder.
So listen, I've done one.
He's done one.
Williams has done one.
What about bucculies?
Well, it's tough for me because my accents are very accurate.
That is quite accurate.
And that is an absolutely spookily accurate Scottish accent.
And if I was blowing the clouds away, this is how I'd do it.
Adam Buxton on BBC six music so I failed to talk about center parks
You did, didn't you?
We'll come back to that in another link.
Listen, if you live in Scotland and you were insulted by Adam's accent, please get in touch.
64046, adamandjoe.sixmusic, notice I'm not talking about my one.
.sixmusicatpbc.co.uk.
Thanks very much.
Here is Cut Copy with You Need Now, or is that the other way around?
No it is, it's right, it's Cut Copy.
You need now.
You need, need you now.
Now you need.
Need now.
Cut copy.
Need you now.
They're a synth pop band from Melbourne, Australia, mate.
Mate, that was from their third album, Zonoscope.
Imagine having a Zonoscope.
I've got one, mate.
Have you?
Yeah, it's in the garage.
I spilt some oil over it, so it's a bit messy.
But yeah, no, I do have one.
Does it still work?
No, mate.
It doesn't, unfortunately.
What's it called again?
Zonoscope.
A Zonoscope.
No, I've run out of voibes.
You need voids if you gotta you can't parry his own escape without a packet of voids.
They used to do them at this at the Soupy yeah, but they don't anymore.
That's what we call a supermarket in Australia or down the Marco
can get voids up here white right that's nice if so if anyone's got any spare voids could they send them to Jeffries problem is voids are big you can't just pop them in your pocket you got to chop them up got to borrow Barry's truck you got to chop them up and the charmer's truck got to use the the Cheney right let's get into retro text the nation shall we here's the jingle
I like to listen to Adam and Joan But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a good frustration Cause I couldn't join in with Text the Nation
But now my troubles have disappeared Because retrotext they make sure see And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about
Woah, what was going on there?
Bin and trash.
Bin and trash?
Weird.
It's mutated.
That was to please everybody and nobody at the same time.
Right.
So we were talking about conflict resolution on last week's show.
Was it conflict resolution or was it the pain of being in the middle of an argument that's nothing to do with you?
It's a bit of both.
It was a bit of both.
You know, we're interested in the arguments and we're interested in ways that maybe you helped resolve them.
Yeah.
So you find yourself in the middle of one and then what's your tactic for defusing it?
It's like being a bomb defusal expert.
It's like being in that film, uh, watch out for that bomb.
What was it called by?
A dirty locker.
Yeah, exactly.
Hurt locker.
It's just like that.
but in a slightly safer context.
Exactly.
So do you want to lead off with this one?
Sure.
Here's one or two.
Basically I've been through a lot of emails and I've compiled a little assemblage of different tactics.
So here's one.
Here's Eric the Swedish man with the spectacular surname Gudmundsson.
Do you remember Eric?
I think he might have written him before.
He says, I usually start, and this is when he finds himself in the middle of an argument, I usually start singing the first few lines from Wannabe by the Spice Girls.
This usually gets everyone extremely confused and silent.
And if needed, I throw in a little dance.
And here's another similar tactic from Ned Potter, who is a male and a librarian from York.
He says in the middle of an argument, I like to take the side of the most unreasonable argument protagonist and agree with them wholeheartedly.
This draws attention to the absurdity of the argument and makes it stop.
So, with your Jonathan Creek example, I would have supported Tommy.
Do we want to remind listeners of this fictional hypothetical scenario, Tommy and Tina?
Tommy and Tina were arguing about Jonathan Creek.
Because Tina announces she loves it.
I'm doing it for you now.
Just interrupting you.
And Tommy was very embarrassed because he didn't think Jonathan Creek was worth trumpeting.
And here's his technique.
OH MY GOD, YOUR CHOICE OF TELEVISION IS ABJECT!
JONATHAN KRIEKE, EHHH, I HATE THAT!
I HATE THAT YOU EVEN SAID THAT!
I'VE JUST BEEN SICK IN MY OWN MOUTH!
That's his technique, that's what he would be saying.
He would take one side and grotesquely exaggerate his support for it, therefore parodying the whole argument.
And then finally, just a couple from finally from my little salvo.
Steve Beale has the following techniques.
I've been using a stage whisper based technique when I found myself in the middle of an arguing couple.
Quote, I feel really awkward.
Tommy and Tina are getting really stressed about Jonathan Cregan.
And now there's an atmosphere.
I don't know what to do.
He would whisper that to whoever's sitting beside him.
Right.
But loud enough for everyone to loud enough.
Yeah.
Sort of grow to a sort of Homer Simpson style exaggerated whisper.
Yeah.
And he also says that a friend of mine uses a sort of director's commentary stroke narration style approach.
That's a good idea.
Where he describes what's going on as if it's a scene on a TV show.
That's a really good idea.
So yeah, what's going on here is Tina's mentioned that Jonathan Creek is a good show to watch.
Tommy's reacted quite badly to that.
Now he's got his head in his hands.
Quite a bit of tension in the room.
Let's see what happens next.
That kind of thing.
That's a brilliant idea.
Here's a more anecdotal one.
This is from Mona, aged 26.
She's a girl, Joe.
Yeah.
Hello, Adam and Joe.
Forgive me my bad English.
I'm not a native speaker.
Couple years ago, I was in a shopping center with my mother.
We were arguing about something small.
It was more misunderstanding rather than arguing.
We were sitting in front of a shop talking very lively when a stranger approached us and said, Could you please keep this at home?
You're spoiling my afternoon!"
and went away.
I was shocked and embarrassed.
I stood there with my mother for about 20 minutes trying to understand what just happened.
I think my mum was analysing that too because she also went silent.
After that time, I became angry with that guy.
What does he know anyway?
And who is he to give me advice?
How dare he!
Later I discovered that he was shopping with his wife and two children, so maybe he was tired and tried to pass his frustration to someone else.
Well it worked, because since then I never argue with anyone in public, especially with my mother.
If we have misunderstanding, I just wait until we go back home and then explain my different point of view, just like the guy suggested.
Oh wow!
That's nice, isn't it?
That's nice.
She's learnt a lesson from the guy.
Excuse me, you're ruining my afternoon.
Could you keep this at home?
I mean, you have to pick who you do that with, really.
You know, on a Saturday night in, uh, Norwich Town Central, I might not try that out if I see a little ruck.
I've got a lot of these.
I could I could do another 10 to 15 minutes.
Well, we could come back and do a few more.
Why not?
Let's do some more after your free play.
Okay, here's a bit of sunny, funtime music that will bring people in Edinburgh down even further.
This is from the Midnight Cowboy soundtrack.
This is by John Barry.
And it's not the main Midnight Cowboy.
This is the harmonical one.
This is the lovely harmonical one.
Oh, incidentally, on the Scotland tip, it was Dan Castanaleta, who did the voice of groundskeeper Willie.
Not Hank Azaria.
Okay?
Okay.
Here's a wee bit of music.
That's John Barry with the theme to Midnight Cowboy.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
And we had such a great response to retro text the nation or to text the nation last week that we are doubling the quota of retro text the nation time.
And incidentally, if there's anything throughout the week, if you're listening to this programme on Listen Again or if it's part of the podcast or whatever, you can always get in touch throughout the week about anything we talk about.
The address is adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.
during the week it would be a total waste of your money these are techniques for defusing accidents you find uh accidents arguments you find yourself in the middle of here is a letter from ryan in oxford he says dear adam and joe i was in the kitchen with my housemate and her boyfriend i just made a delicious spaghetti bolognese and was settling down to eat it when all of a sudden a dispute erupted between the couple an icy tension quickly smothered the room and the usually playful couple refused to talk to one another
Alarmed, I put down my knife and fork and declared, I, expletive deleted, love spag bol, immediately plunging my face into the Italian feast in front of me.
The couple turned and saw me and immediately began laughing.
The conflict had been resolved but at a price.
I burnt my face with angry spag bol and I smelt like Dolmio for several days afterwards.
That's extreme.
Any listener wishing to use this method of argument avoidance may wish to use foods that haven't been cooked like gato or watercress.
What a lunatic.
But powerful.
I mean, powerful.
That's extreme.
It is extreme, but it sort of shifts the emphasis onto his possible mental issues.
It could make the whole situation worse.
It could just inflame the argument.
And then he's got ball all over his face.
There's food everywhere.
So basically you've gone round for supper.
The couple have had a horrible argument.
The guys, one of the guys has flipped out and stuck his face in the spag bol.
He's clearly mentally unbalanced.
It's grotesque.
But he made the spag bol.
Right.
So in a way it's symbolic.
It's him ruining his own spag bol because in a way they've ruined his special cooking evening.
Yeah, yeah.
Isn't it?
That's a Pyrrhic victory I would say.
Have you got another one?
Yes.
Here is one from Kevin Male.
He's male.
Is his name Kevin Male?
Oh no, he's just a male man.
Dear Adam and Joe, a couple of years ago, my two friends, let's call them the dude and Donnie.
Do we have to?
Yeah, we have to.
And I. We're in the Edinburgh festival.
Edinburgh for the festival!
That's how they speak.
We were staying with another friend, let's call him Walter.
who was in a sketch show at the festival.
Due to space limitations, we had to sleep on the floor of the room in which he and his girlfriend were staying.
On the first night, myself and Donnie were trying to sleep on the rock hard wooden floor when we overheard Walter's girlfriend asking whether he still loved her.
Myself and Donnie pretended to be asleep while the couple went about breaking up in bed.
It was the most awkward situation I'd ever been in.
All of a sudden, the door bursts open, and the dude staggers into the room dead drunk and collapses on the floor.
Almost immediately, the loudest and most disturbing snoring started to emanate from the dude.
Despite this, the couple continued to have a whispered breakup argument.
It was all getting a bit too much so I slid over to the dude and pinched his nose, a technique that I'd used to great effect while growing up to quell my own father's nocturnal cacophony.
For one second the dude stopped snoring.
Then suddenly he sat bolt upright and emitted three of the loudest high pitched screams in a row that I'd ever heard.
He says please simulate screaming.
That's about as high pitched as you can go.
Go on, you do one.
I can't, I don't, I can't.
That's about as high pitched as I can go.
After a second of silence, the entire room burst out laughing.
The couple stopped arguing, and eventually we were able to get some sleep.
P.S.
They did break up several days later, but fortunately we found somewhere to stay by then.
No, somewhere else to stay.
Incredible.
Thanks very much, Kevin.
Here's a final one for retrotextination.
This is from Will Judkins.
And Will has a special technique he has for diffusing tension generally.
And over the course of this letter, you'll realize that he doesn't just use this for diffusing arguments, but he uses it in life in general.
This is what he says.
Usually, if my mum and dad were having little arguments about tidying the house or who'd left what newspaper where, I would walk in and just have my bum out for them both to see.
It would usually be greeted by aggression towards me for constantly doing it all after.
So that's his technique.
He goes on to say, unfortunately, I now use these tactics, plural, as if there's more than one tactic in just getting your bum out.
Well, there's two cheeks, aren't there?
That's true.
Unfortunately, I now use these tactics.
For when my mum is on Skype from Tanzania where she's doing volunteer work for voluntary services overseas and I just walk in the room with my bum out wasting my mum's internet and precious little money and my dad's time.
P.S.
it's also quite good for arguments with my girlfriend especially whilst she's talking to me.
Put your tactics away.
So he just basically walks around with his bum out all the time and creates an atmosphere of fun.
wherever he goes.
What's his name?
Will.
Hey, Will's got his bum out again.
It's going to be a good day.
Hey, here are the half hearted cheer.
Yeah.
Thanks very much for all those incidentally.
And we'll have more retro text the name is male next week and he's 18 and an illustrator.
Good job.
Well, he does bum prints.
Very nice.
Uh, here's two door cinema club.
This is something good can work.
That's the one dies with the you and me song.
Nice to hear that again.
That's a summary sound.
That's a classic summary sound.
The sediment Joe here on BBC six music.
Now I had a fun trip on the train the other day and in fact I talk about the train so much.
when we when you talk about the train we get a lot of correspondence because quite a few people who listen to the podcast of this program listen to it during their commute on their way into or back from work and they often send us in stories of things they've witnessed upon upon the train can you just close the door it makes me nervous on the train floor i don't like it when the doors are open you know what i'm saying
My wife always leaves the door open of the sitting room when we're watching TV.
The doors are open and the servited grooms do mock their sleep with something.
Tutties?
A bit of Shakespeare.
Mmm.
With voibles.
Voibles?
Yes.
No.
Thanks very much for closing the door.
That's alright.
um so yes we talk about train like incidents with sleep thank you very much william shakespeare um we talk about it so much on the show that i thought maybe we should have a jingle for travel tales not only my own but those sent in by listeners as well so here's the jingle traveling tales traveling tales tales of traveling on the train or an automobile or an airplane i want to know what's your traveling tales
Wow.
Wow.
Oh my god.
That's like being shot in the face.
How did you get the Wilburys back together for that?
Shot in the face with fun.
Yeah.
It's amazing to have reformed the traveling Wilburys.
Wilburys.
Well, it was hard.
Dylan was way up for it.
Yeah.
And to do something so short as well.
Yes, exactly.
They didn't mind.
Tom Petty was happy to do it.
Yeah.
The only one that was... How exciting.
There was a couple that were a bit tricky.
Orson particularly.
Orson.
Tricky was up for it, he was fine.
Anyway, so Traveling Tales, I was on the... So this is a new segment, sorry to interrupt, this is exciting, this is a new segment and it means you can send in your stories of trouble and strife on public transport or during your commute to 64046.
Or joy, you know, maybe you had an amazing time.
Or adamandjoe.sixmusicatpbc.co.uk.
Especially if you were listening to the podcast while it happened, because then there's extra synergy.
Exactly.
So on Thursday evening, I got on the train to come to London from Norwich and I think there was a football foot sport goal-kick match going on God between Norwich and Ipswich I think and There was a lot of fans on the platform and Norwich is where you live.
Oh
No, it's just where I live.
And I think, I don't know what had happened in the foot sport, but I think the yellows were happy and they were all jumping around and this is what they sounded like on the platform right next to me while I was waiting for the train.
That was just like, um, there's only about six guys making that noise.
What a song.
What an amazing song.
Lovely.
What fun for them.
And so great to hear it done that way right next to you.
They did another song as well.
Do you want to hear the other song they've done?
Oh, please.
Ah, classic.
Yeah, that's my favorite version of that song.
They should record an album those guys.
You know, unfortunately they don't take requests because they're so busy with the packets of crisps that they're kicking to each other and bursting open onto the platform that they don't have time for the requests, which is a shame.
So that was fun.
That was nice.
Putting me in a good mood to get on the train.
It's lovely.
So then I get on the train and obviously because of the foot sport going on the whole, I mean the whole train was just trashed that had got in.
It got in really late so they didn't have time to go through and clean it because it had to immediately set off for London.
And the whole train was just a complete disaster area.
It was strewn with cans and you know free newspapers and crisp packets and everything and little plastic glasses.
Football detritus.
Football detritus.
And it was really a disgrace I thought.
To whom?
To Dr. Addy Buckles.
Yes.
And I just felt personally affronted by this, as I think did everybody else who had paid good money to travel on that train, you know what I mean?
They sometimes put on separate trains for football supporters, don't they?
They try to when they can.
Well, it obviously didn't happen this time.
It didn't happen this time.
So, I was walking through and I thought,
You know what?
To Hekington with this, I am not going to jolly take it.
And so I strode through the standard class carriage, which I had bought a ticket for, straight to the first upper class carriage.
And I thought, I am jolly Hekington going to sit down in the first upper class carriage with my standard ticket.
Because I won't tolerate the dirtiness of the rest of the Tron.
And if anyone has a problem with that, I shall explain myself thusly.
And I thought, well, I better back up my position.
So what I did was I found a bin bag.
First class, incidentally, was totally empty.
I found a bin bag.
And wore it as a dress.
And I wore it as a dress.
in order to command respect.
I got completely nude and wore that bin bag as a dress.
No, what I did was I cleaned up the first-class carriage.
No way!
Which was also strewn with litter.
Really?
Yeah.
So I cleaned it right up, stuffed it, it didn't take that long, and it was all spic and span, and then I sat right in the middle and had a nice time.
And I thought, if anyone challenges me after I've cleaned up the carriage and the rest of the train is trashed, then I'm gonna flip my lid spectacularly.
And did they, did the ticket man come?
No, the ticket man didn't come.
But what did happen was the cops turned up, like there was loads of transport police.
So eventually I ended up... Are the football supporters still on the train?
Yeah, they're all on the train.
Right.
So none of them are in premier class?
No, there were other bigger, lardier, richer football fans that turned up and started discussing the match loudly.
but the carriage that i was in filled up with transport police so i felt like quite a wicked outlaw with my standard class ticket surrounded by the fuzz and the man and they didn't do a thing they didn't challenge outlaw dr evil
You're morally ambiguous.
On the one hand, you're a hero for cleaning the cabin out.
On the other hand, you are a liar and a thief.
Well, no, I'm just a hero.
Are you?
Yes.
You're a modern-day hero.
I'm the people's hero.
Right.
Because I cleaned up that carriage and I'm surrounded by cops and I'm an outlaw.
You know, I'm with you on cleaning up.
I'm with you on just taking action.
I do that in my street a lot.
Yeah.
I'll just go out there with some rubber gloves on and a bin bag and I'll clean up the street.
Good for you.
I have no shame.
Yeah.
I do that in the hedgerows as well.
Yeah.
You've got to do it.
You gotta do it.
You can't just sit there waiting for someone else to do it.
It's all our responsibility, right?
Come on kids, pick up some rubbish today.
Make it into a game!
Can I hear that song again?
Yeah, here it is.
Which one do you want?
Do you want?
Do you want?
Do you want?
I love that.
Number one, James.
Here it is.
I can't wait to hear it again.
It's gone.
No, nevermind.
We'll play it later.
Listen, it's, it's, it's almost like a, you know what we could do?
You could build that into song wars.
Yeah.
You could build that into a song wars song.
Speaking of song wars, we should talk about song wars later on in the program.
Cause we've got to do something about it.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
Happy Saturday morning.
Here's a bit of music from... What are these people called?
It's Madam on the workshop.
This is called Snakes in the Grass.
Sparrow in the workshop with snakes in the grass.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 music.
If you've got public transport stories, they don't have to be about football hooligans, fooligans.
They can be about any sort of thing you've experienced on the train.
Good or bad.
Good or bad.
Maybe later in the show we'll rerun that jingle and we'll read out some of our listeners train stories just to get the ball rolling.
Absolutely.
Have you got the train alarm sound there?
You know, one of the things that happened that did put a kink in my journey was someone pulled the flipping alarm.
And I don't know if the alarm sound is the same for all trains or if it's just National Express or whatever.
Did they do it because something had happened or just for fun?
I would imagine it was some foot sport fun.
Right.
Because I don't think anything had happened.
The cops were all sat around just chuckling.
So, and this was the sound that goes off.
It is the most infuriating sound ever created by a human man.
But it's the gap between the next... You think, oh, it's stopped now.
Someone's stopped it.
Oh, thank goodness, I can relax now.
That's better.
Okay, nice and relaxed.
it's like a giant toddler with a xylophone being very insistent yeah that's right it's quite a gentle sound it's horrible though i mean it's really loud and it cuts through absolutely everything i've got to say sirens in general have got more offensive haven't they i was watching an old uh yeah see deal with that thanks james i was watching an old uh something or other i can't remember what it was but it had the sound of an old police car and how lovely the siren sound used to be sort of honky and horny yes it's like the horny horns
And now they're just like some insane, panicking, evil robot overlords.
Those are American, aren't they?
Freaks me out.
Well, they used to be only American, but they've come over to Brighton now.
And what's the logic?
Is it to make it an irregular sound so that you can't ignore it?
Maybe just the general...
I think so yeah so you can't it can't become regular and you know you can't get settled into it right but maybe this could lead into our text the nation topic this week hmm would we be technically capable of doing that James let's well now let's talk about that let's do that next okay let's launch text the nation next
Here's a free play for you right now.
And this is actually, I would say, similar in spirit to your John Barry selection earlier on.
But this is from Moondog.
It's also a short instrumental piece.
Who are Moondog?
Moondog is a guy.
It was the pseudonym of a chap called Louis or Louis Thomas Hardin.
He was a blind American composer, musician, poet, inventor of several musical instruments.
He invented foibles.
Did he?
He died aged 83 in 1999 but he was someone that removed himself from society and decided to be like a street person to make his home in the streets of New York and he would wander around.
Decision you've made.
Yes exactly.
Recently.
And he dressed as the Norse god Thor.
Right it's very topical.
Right like the exciting film that I will never ever see in my life.
Is it supposed to be any good?
It's supposed to be pretty good yeah I'm gonna see it.
I'm never gonna see that film in my life because yes you will cuz your kids will want to see it really yeah yeah but I'll go out the room
Um, anyway, he was known as the Viking of Sixth Avenue, Moondog, because of his unconventional outfits.
But in between all this, he still found time to go into the studio and record some extraordinary music.
Extraordinary avant-garde music.
I'm very excited about hearing it.
Oh, well, this is an extraordinary avant-garde, but it's not that avant-garde.
But it really, I'm sure this has been used in a film, and I'm sure our listeners could tell me, because I searched for it and I couldn't find it.
I know what it is.
I haven't heard it, but I know what it is.
What is it, Joe?
I'm glad to me and I shall tell you what it is.
Okay, here it is.
This is Theme by Moondog.
Ah, there we go.
Someone has said it's in the Big Lebowski.
Yeah, that's, that's always the answer.
It always turns up on there.
If you, if you don't want to know, if you want to know where, oh, I'm just going to abandon that sentence.
But that's interesting.
Used in the Big Lebowski.
I was doing a little bit of internet surfing.
Yeah, were you mate?
And I was, I was internet surfing for your info there.
And apparently Jeff Bridges was rumoured to play this bloke in a movie.
Oh, really, that's right.
There's a very short clip on YouTube of him standing there in all his Viking glory.
Yeah, it's all the avant-garde jazzers.
It's a whole new world of stuff opening up.
Ah, that was Moondog.
And it was called Theme from 1956, I think.
This is Adam and Jo here on BBC.
Six music.
I think we're gonna launch Text the Nation!
And there's nothing you can do about it!
Text the Nation!
Text!
Text!
Text!
Text the Nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the Nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter!
Text!
So Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about technology that's made the world worse.
So exciting innovations in your daily life that have actually started to ruin things.
Like I was trying to call the council.
There's a new, they've got a new time to collect our bins.
So I was trying to call the council because they'd failed to collect them.
And my local council has installed a sort of robotic operator system that asks you to say the name of the department you want to go through to.
And there's something weird about that, something quite demeaning about talking to a robot.
Don't you find?
Have you got a, I'm talking to a robot voice?
Well, it's angry.
I just go, street care, environment, environment.
And I like it if they don't hear it.
I'm sorry, we could not hear what you were saying.
Environment.
I like to try and test it but of course then it doesn't respond so you have to sort of comply and that's the issue isn't it you have to reply in a sort of robot voice so not only has the call center been dehumanized but it's dehumanizing you and it's that thing it makes you so furious that yes you start to lose control of your voice this is an extreme situation I'm talking about and it's like the robot is saying
Just calm down.
Just calm down and say it normally please.
Otherwise I can't understand you.
In a way councils have some kind of a minute excuse for doing that because they've got to spend all their money on services.
Call a volume.
Yeah, so if they can cut the staffing levels then they might have more money to spend on essential care.
But in supermarkets, in giant supermarkets, what's the logic in having automated checkouts?
Doesn't that simply just put people out of work?
And then is there anything better about going to an automated checkout?
I mean I've been in situations before where I only had one or two items.
And you can get through quicker?
Yeah.
yeah but I've only just mastered it I mean this is how long have they been around for four or five years or something unexpected item in the packing area please remove because the worst thing is when you do have more than one or two items you've got a basket's worth because we're only talking about baskets you can't go through there with your trolley right no so you've got a whole basket's worth and then you've got a whole bunch of problem items like wine maybe a bit of wine bit of peach snaps something like that and you have to get approval from the guy with his key
And he has to come around.
Maybe you've got a wonderful DVD of something with Russell Brand in it.
Of course.
And you can't wait to watch that thing.
Can't wait.
They have to come around and get all the security gubbins off it.
And then the other thing that happens is you want to use your own bag, right?
I don't want to kill any more dolphins sorry that's just me you know I like them so I don't really want to kill anymore so I'm gonna use my own bag if that's alright but no that's a whole big palaver because you put your bag on the thing and then unexpected item in the bagging area so then you have to remove or I'm just gonna put the item just there without a bag please place the item in the back oh fuck
They don't make anything better.
That's all I'm asking.
What single thing do they improve, apart from just putting people out of work?
And the other thing is smartphones.
That's a very obvious thing.
And, like, I had a... What's your beef there?
My beef there is, for instance, I had an event, like, we screened my film in Texas.
We were very excited.
We went back to the hotel because it went down
well, we all say, oh, let's go back to the hotel and have a drink.
So we all go back to the hotel, we have a drink.
We're all sitting around in reception with some little mini bottles of booze from someone's fridge in their room.
And I'm thinking, oh, this is great.
What a fantastic night.
I look up everyone's on their smartphone.
Every single person is looking at their lap and texting.
What kind of a party is this?
Did you not have your smartphone then?
No.
I wasn't using it.
I wanted to have fun times with people's faces.
But surely you had people to text.
I just had a good screen.
You should have tweeted about it, everything.
It happens a lot.
Of course it does.
Don't you find that when you're trying to have a conversation with someone and you realise that?
Smartphone it's ludicrous smartphones.
The joy of a smartphone is to plug a gap when you're alone, right?
Or in an awkward situation, you don't want to stand around looking like a lemon.
If you're waiting for someone, it's great to have a smartphone.
You can go on there and have some fun with your apps.
You can check your mail, all that kind of thing.
You can text somebody, but yeah, if there's other people around, you don't really need the smartphone.
So that's the idea for Text the Nation.
Advances in technology that are making the world worse.
It's a moany one.
It's not funny or fun, it's just moany.
It's a little bit like Grumpy Old Men.
It's a kind of Vanessa Felt style.
Every now and again we get invited on shows like Grumpy Young Men or Grumpy Old Men.
I haven't had an invitation for a while, maybe we'll get one now.
But what my, one of my modern things is, yeah, the sales call.
That's an obvious one.
The phone goes.
Oh, the automated sales call.
Automated sales call.
And you're thinking, yes, the phone's got, cause my phone doesn't go very often at all.
Cause generally you get mobile phone calls these days or emails or whatever.
What do they say when you pick it up?
Well, there's the, there's the telltale gap when you, yeah.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
have you ever considered how interesting it would be by which time you go ah shut up and slammed it down there's always the gap text number is 64046 email is adamandjoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk that's text the nation for this week get your responses coming in please here's the avalanches with since i left you
Yes, that was Vampire Weekend with Holiday.
Hey, Adam and Joe here.
Very, very happy to be with you this Saturday morning.
And yeah, it still is the morning, isn't it?
Haven't quite- Easter, Easter, Easter, Easter, very nearly Easter, Easter, Easter, Easter, Easter, tomorrow.
And then a Monday off.
Monday off.
Melty eggs.
Melty eggs and then royal weddings.
Oh, the excitement.
It's nonstop fun this summer, isn't it?
Hey, should we have some made up jokes?
Yes, sir.
Here's the jingle.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
Yes, now our producer James was bemoaning the quality of jokes that we'd had in during the week.
Well that's because James has to filter them a little bit.
He only lets us see the top quality ones.
Yeah, so he's been wading through some stinky piles of joke poo.
Now listen, I'm honing these rules, these joke rules, okay?
Oh, good for you, because I didn't think you cared about this kind of thing.
I thought I was a lone voice.
No, I agree with you.
Trying to put a little bit of, what would you call it, sort of filtering into the joke pipe.
Here are Adam's rules.
I like what's on the top of this page.
My favourite murdering techniques.
Time murdering.
Oh sorry.
Okay.
Made up jokes.
Made up jokes, made up rules.
Number one.
No mascapone slash masc-a-pony jokes.
Now does that go to cheese in general?
Is mascapone a cheese?
Cheese is also on there.
Number two.
No jokes about the Nile brackets river and denial brackets mental state sounding similar.
No cheese puns.
No jokes where the punchline is some mangled form of the names Adam and Joe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Please avoid Potter.
Yes.
And finally, no jokes nicked off Tim Vine.
Please avoid Potter as long as it's absolute solid gold.
I think I've got a good Potter one.
You see, I found a good Potter one.
Maybe we've got the same one.
Right.
Yeah.
Um, and yeah, there we go.
So those are very good rules.
And we can add to them as we go along.
Maybe we should post them on the blog as well.
We should post them on the blog.
I would say try and briefly tell us when and how you made up the joke in no more than a couple of lines.
So we have a bit of sort of heritage context.
Sure.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's do it.
You want to kick off?
Shall I just, before you kick off with a good one, I think I read the worst one that we ever got sent this week.
And it, although it made it through the filtering system.
You read it this week, you're about to read it.
Yeah, we got sent it this week.
Okay.
And the, um, the header for the email was joke stink, uh, quite rightly from James Wheeler.
He says, this is a combined effort with myself and my colleague, Stuart Dean.
Every time I say it to myself, I'm a little more disappointed with it.
Well, James Wheeler, you should be, here's the joke.
What did Lionel Richie say after having a sense of dread during a day littered with particularly bad typing errors?
When I get that feeling, I need textual healing.
That wasn't even Lionel Richie, James Wheeler.
That was Marvin Gaye.
Okay.
And textual healing because you're texting because it's particularly bad typing errors.
No, just nothing about it.
Listen to the, listen to the pause you're going to get before the fart here, right?
Listen to it.
That was a long pause, James Wheeler.
You should be ashamed.
And your colleague, Stuart Dean.
Two man effort.
So give us a good one, Joe.
I'm looking through them.
I'm panicking.
I'm looking through the ones I picked out and I'm panicking.
Was it very late at night with a glass of wine?
It was late at night.
I was a little bit tooty.
And I was going, oh, that's not that bad.
But now in the cold light of Saturday morning, it is that bad.
Is it?
Do you want some time?
OK, here's the best one I think I've got.
That's going to be depressing when you hear it.
I do hope this amuses.
Keep up the excellent work.
Says, oh, no, that's someone else.
Sorry.
OK, here we go.
This is from Tom Botel.
Question.
What do you call it when the start of faulty towers touches your bottom in a church?
Ecclesiasticle.
Please.
The Arsticle.
That's nice.
That's not bad.
It's cheeky.
It's topical.
It's religious.
All three things that British people love.
Especially on Easter weekend.
Exactly.
Here's one from Joe Russ.
Oh god, that was a relief.
That's good, man.
He says, my granddad, who's a bit doolally, told me that he lost his hearing when he was in Rome in the war.
I've got this too.
I didn't believe him, but when I asked him if he was sure, he said, yes, definitely.
that's good i had that one out as well that's good that's not even a pause that's just a straight out laugh yeah thanks original do you think i've never heard that i i googled that one deafness and italy are both ideas that have been around for a while right so have doolally old men no it's it's original you really you think so i think so i'd say if that's not original it's coincidentally definitely yeah
That's good, Joe.
Oh, I've got to have another one, I've got to have another one.
Come on.
You've got this good Potter one, haven't you?
OK, OK.
I have got the Potter one.
Come on, isn't there?
I'm sure that it's good.
Here we go.
Here is one from a person.
Dear Adam and Joe, this joke was a real conversation occurring last November, but works when told as a joke.
This is different to my one.
Credit to Neil.
This isn't the Potter one.
Oh, OK.
Credit to Neil, whose response was given in real time, i.e.
without the half hour wait that most would need to come up with such a witty reply.
Here we go.
Neil, quote.
You must be excited about your adventure holiday this weekend, Bruno replies.
Yeah, we're going kayaking, but as it's winter I think it'll be really cold, Neil.
Oh well, I guess you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Nice!
Nice!
He's amazing!
Love the show, Bruno Fisher.
Neil!
I want to hang out with Neil!
Neil's the quick one, right?
Yeah.
He's the witty one.
But Bruno wrote it down.
Well, yeah.
Someone's got to be the scribe, I guess.
But Neil, he's the talent.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
That's more a clever thing they said in the heat of the moment.
That's fine.
And you can send those in as well.
Yeah, funny, funny things you said.
They don't have to be like cracker joke jokes.
They can be witt- witt- witticisms.
So shall I do the Potter one, then?
Yes!
Hi, I've been waiting to tell you this for quite some time, says Craig.
Despite its Potter-related setting, so he does apologize for the Potter, I made it up and I'm convinced no one got there before me.
And I googled this one and I couldn't find anyone else referring to it.
So here's Dumbledore saying, Harry Potter, who is responsible for tearing out the sixth book of my admittedly anachronistic Bible?
Harry Potter says, that was due to Ron and me.
That's good.
Due to Ron and me.
That was due to Ron and me.
That's forced laughter.
Nervous laughter.
He says love you lots and lots like jelly tots.
Thanks Craig.
Do you know the amazing thing that's happened this week is we've actually picked out a lot of similar jokes.
I mean that says something in itself doesn't it?
That's like a filtering system.
Right.
Do you want another one from Cornballs?
Yes please.
Okay here's one from Dean Dino Gibson.
I haven't got it.
I was struck with inspiration for a made-up joke while listening to your show last week.
However, as it's connected with a trailer for another show that was played during yours, I expect you might have a few in a similar vein.
Anyway, I did the Google stroke Tim Vine test and nothing came up, so the only test left is to see how many other people came up with something like it.
Here we go.
I've been getting a lot of unwarranted attention from the lead singer of REM recently.
Turns out I'm Michael Stipe.
I'm Michael's type.
Michael's type.
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehehey!
Hehe
Here's one from... I don't know about that last one.
I mean, we kind of masked the aftermath of it with a lot of rubbishy noises and talking.
And Michael's type.
It's not going to set the world on fire.
It's probably not that new either, is it?
Well, someone's got to have said it before.
But he's committed it to papers.
Thanks a lot, Dino.
That's all you need.
Thanks, Dean.
Thanks, sincerely.
Thank you, Dean Dino Gibson.
Thank you very much.
Here's one from Josh.
He's in a hotel in Nicaragua, Joe.
Good.
And he says, what did the disciples eat at the last breakfast?
Corpus Crispies.
Hmm.
Come on.
Does that sound like a cereal?
Yes, Corpus Crispies.
Like Rice Crispies.
He says, I know you're not going to believe that I made that up because it's so clever.
I promise I did.
I thought of it when someone made a genuine slip of the tongue, saying crispy instead of crispy.
So there.
Bye, love you, bye, he says, so he's got the provenance and everything.
I know you're not going to believe I made it up because it's so clever.
Corpus Krispies.
These are delicious.
That's a good one.
Have you got another one there before we wrap it up?
Yeah, kind of.
Come on.
When you say a one, it is a one.
This is from Tom T.
Ah, here we go.
There's a bit of a preamble for this one.
Tommy T. Bear with me, mate.
Here's my made-up joke.
It was coined whilst sat at my computer in about 2004 during my last year of uni.
It will have been during the spring or the summer.
It's been repeated maybe six times since then, once at an ill-advised stand-up night.
My friend Paul maintains that it is hilarious, but I would like your expert opinions.
Here we go.
That's how to say the name Paul, by the way.
Dr Emmett Brown met up with Marty McFly to finalise the arrangements for a cooking trip to the year 2015.
Marty starts to check that they have all of the necessary cooking books to ensure that they're able to produce the most delicious morsels.
Doc.
Here, Doc.
So hang on, do I?
I'm making such a mountain meal out of this.
A mountain meal.
So here we go.
Marty McFly says, Doc, have you bought Delia's book?
Doc says, yes, that's packed.
Marty says, if you remember to bring Nigella's book?
Yeah, that's in the glove box.
Did you bring Gary's book?
Rhodes.
Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.
You get all the different types of love together for that one.
Right.
Thank you very much indeed to everyone who sent in made up jokes and you know don't worry if you didn't get yours read out this time.
If you don't like this segment or you think the quality of jokes is low.
What?
Then make one up what's better.
Do a more better one.
Send it in.
Raise the standard.
64046adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
All organic jokes.
Public enemy time.
And now what are your memories of this mate?
Fight the power.
Fight the power.
Well, my memories of this are always connected to the film Do the Right Thing.
Yeah, that summer.
It was a hot summer and the film was all about 1989 steamy summer.
And I remember listening to this around at Zach's house.
I remember sitting on the steps of the cinema having a discussion about the issues this film raised.
Yeah.
But what a record.
This is ideal if you're getting a little bit hot today and you feel like throwing a dustbin through a shop window.
And we used to have fun wrapping this in a camp way as well, didn't we?
Uh, did we?
Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant spit to me.
He's a straight out racist.
The sucker was simple and plain.
Mother loved him and John Wayne.
Yes.
Like that.
So lots of ways to enjoy the following record.
Yeah boy!
It's the Flav Holmes!
Cold killin' in effect!
You probably like Flavor Flav because he's very uptight about time.
He's very uptight about time.
He's so much so that he has to wear a giant clock so that he can keep an eye on it at all times.
Does he still wear his clock, Flav?
Sure he does.
Sure he does, when he's not on reality TV shows.
I haven't seen him for a while, he's been on reality TV shows a few years ago.
Hey man, you remember we were talking about the shredding thing?
Hey man!
Hey guy!
Hey!
Woah, chill man!
Hey Stretch!
Yo!
Spare a little coin?
Stretch?
Me?
That's you and you're on the pavement and I'm walking past.
Hey Stretch!
Stretch!
Hey tall guy!
Big man!
You spare a little coin for a guy who's got wee wee shoes?
Longboy, got a little money in the man with stinky boots?
Longshanks, look I got peepee on my shoes, you can spare a little coin for me I don't suppose, big boy?
Remember me, lanky lanky Lulu, you remember me with six music, don't you remember the stinky- Hey, head in the clouds, film man, you spare me a couple of dimes for my stinky shoes?
No, I can't.
Please?
So, um, just a short thing to say that you were right about the Shred guy.
He got the Kings of Leon vocal.
Yes, he did use the original.
We were talking about this last week.
This was a video of the Kings of Leon performing very badly that Adam thought was real.
He then discovered it was made by a young man who specialised in Shredding videos, who we've been very happy to correspond with.
Allerganoids.
And his dad.
He is on YouTube.
Then the following week we had an argument.
It was a discussion whether he had
actually re-recorded the whole thing, including the vocals?
Yeah, I thought he had.
Turns out that he actually isolated the vocals somehow and reconstructed the music around it.
I don't know how he did it, but somehow he did it.
It seems incredible.
Anyway, so there you go.
Anyway, thanks a lot for that, Tom.
And you were right, Joe.
OK, here's a free play.
This is a band called Zombie Zombie.
I think they're French.
I only think, though, I don't want to go around accusing people of being French without being fully informed.
Zombie Zombie.
And they've done a cover of a whole lot of they've done an album of covers of John Carpenter themes.
Here is Zombie Zombie's cover of the theme from Assault on Precinct 13.
Fleet foxes with battery Kinsey with their biscuit tins and their half-broken guitar but the joy of unified vocal singing.
All sat round the campfire cooking away their dinner of logs and cones in a small town called Hooten Tots at the foot of the Appalachian Mountains.
All trying to disentangle their beards from one another.
Sipping for gold when they're not making up some sort of a historically valid tune.
Peeling the old leather from the bottom of their boots and frying it up like a yummy fish.
Cutting off their tongues and making bunting.
Tongue-bunting, just like their forefathers did when they could find no papyrus.
Son!
We're at a tongue button!
You go out there and make some more, or I'm gonna whip you with a mollusk!
It's what it was like when the Fleet Foxes were growing up.
A look back at the past there.
Now, Joe, you listen to Radio 4, right, when you're not busy?
I do.
Adam, I was on Radio 4.
You were the host of Back Row?
Hello and welcome to Back Row on Radio 4.
Wow, just that voice gives me the chills in my pants in my Netherlands.
But the other one, of course, is front row.
Back row is for movies, right?
Yes.
Front row is their flagship culture show on Radio 4.
For the arts.
Arts and farts.
And it's Mark Lawson is one of the regular hosts, and who's the other guy, John?
Anyway.
I was listening to it this week, and they're having a... It was a themed week of items about digital future.
Like, how is the future going to change due to digital technology?
And one of the things they had was a composer lady on there.
And they set her the challenge of making a little composition with just a smartphone.
Because it can be done.
It can be done these days.
So here's basically a clipped version of that segment and here's the lady putting together her mobile phone symphony.
This evening we set a challenge for composer Shirley Thompson.
We asked her to travel from her home in East London into Broadcasting House composing and recording music in reaction to what she could see en route using only an iPhone app.
I found some really interesting bell sounds on the music app that I'm going to incorporate in the composition.
OK, that's the first track inspired by Stratford.
I'm about to get on the tube.
This sound's called mobile phones, which seems very apt for urban London and the fact that I'm using a mobile phone.
I'm going to look for some sounds that are in contrast to the sounds that I used on the Underground, something that's contrary to what you would normally think of as being urban.
The journey's ended.
I'm in broadcasting house.
I'm just going to put a few finishing touches to my composition.
What about some starting touches?
Well, she's got an amazing palette of extraordinary modern sounds, digital sounds there to work with.
She's a professional composer.
She is what's her name again?
Shirley Thompson.
I think her name was.
She's a well respected composer.
She was doing a very good job with quite a tricky brief.
Absolutely, yeah.
Come up with, and it's always fun when they do this on art shows every now and again, just put creative people on the spot and say, right, we've given them one hour and they've got to come up with an entire play in that time.
From absolutely nothing, from suggestions texted in by our audience.
Now that happened once.
That happened on Club X or something.
Yeah, in the mid 80s on Channel 4.
And the results in that situation were absolutely ludicrous and appalling.
But what do you think is going to be the case in this situation?
How is Shirley going to weave those different sounds?
Oh, so those were merely the component parts?
That's just the component parts.
No way.
And did she have extra time to weave them together?
She had a little bit of extra time when she got to Broadcasting House.
Yeah, to put the finishing touches on it and present it to the front row.
Well, there seemed to me to be three different ringtones there was what she had.
Isn't that the case?
She was using an app, a music generator.
Oh, an app.
An app, yeah.
I don't understand that kind of lingo.
So are you ready to find out how she got on?
Yes.
Okay, here is the finished composition by Shirley Thompson.
Shirley Thompson's app symphony entitled bow bells in Stratford personally delivered to front row.
No disrespect Shirley, but it's not Beethoven's fifth.
The funny thing is Lawson could talk about that for a good 10 to 15 minutes.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's a funny thing, isn't it?
That when very super, super intelligent adults do something that is a little alien to them, they basically, it reduces them to the level of a toddler.
Yeah.
Is that what's happening there?
Well, I mean, it is tricky, but I've had to go myself with some of my journey sounds from my trip into London the other day.
Do you want to hear how I got on?
I do.
Here's Dr. Buckles' Travel Symphony.
That was me screaming at the end.
I actually just put that together like, well, since we've been on air.
Well, since you played that, we've been called by Front Row and by the Royal Albert Hall and the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra.
I'm very excited to say that Jarvis Cocker will be presenting a fully orchestrated version of that symphony at the Royal Albert Hall on Tuesday at four in the morning.
Oh, wicked.
I can't believe it.
Yeah.
Thanks Jarvis.
That's cool.
Hey, if you want to send us your travel symphonies, ladies and gentlemen, we'd be very happy to receive them.
Don't forget the address for any kind of communication, whether you want to send us a picture or some sound stuff that you've done or just an email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.
We'd love to hear from you.
Here's Corner Shot now with a crusty classic.
It's Brimful of Asher.
sounds good man yeah Bobby Gillespie sitting in for Jarvis Cocker's regular Sunday service show here on BBC six music every Sunday at four and last week I believe Jarvis was sent by six music to the BBC archive in Perivale where he produced an incredible show where he was thumbing through the amazing archives they've got there
All the original vinyl, like the first ever vinyl records ever made.
Is that still available to listen to on iPlayer?
It is, yeah.
It's a great show, that.
But of course it prompted... I don't know why I said of course, but it did prompt a letter in the BBC internal magazine, Aerial.
You might have heard of that mag if you work at the BBC, which hundreds and hundreds of people do.
They have their own internal gossip mag.
It's like Pravda.
Yeah, with a letters page that's very active and opinionated.
And here is a letter responding to a photo that was published, a photo from Jarvis's little session in the archive there.
And this listener and BBC staff member who will, or former BBC staff member who will remain anonymous, had a bit of a problem with the photo that was taken of Jarvis in the archive.
What's the photo?
the letter will explain here's the letter uh this letter is headed grubby grooves i was stunned to see the photograph of jarvis cocker firmly gripping between thumb and forefinger what was described as a music treasure ariel april the fifth from the bbc archives when i was in the bbc in the 60s and 70s such action and he means grabbing a record between thumb and forefinger
Such action would have resulted in a damn good telling off.
We would have been expected to hang our heads in shame.
From the day I arrived, we were told that we were never to touch the grooves of any record in case we damaged it.
Not only am I astonished that someone like Jarvis Cocker is actually touching the grooves himself, I'm even more astonished that the BBC takes a photograph of him doing it.
Now, if further proof is needed of falling standards, look no further!
Former BBC staff member whose name I will withhold.
So there's a photo of Jarvis gripping a record there between thumb and forefinger and indeed all the thumb is on the rear and all forefingers are resting in the groove.
And Jarvis is having a good look.
You know, I'm a little surprised to see that myself.
Well, I have to say I pride myself on my technique of picking up vinyl records as well.
You know, you've got a, you've got a, a palms outstretched.
Yeah.
And you just grip the very edges with the outstretched palms.
Yes.
And you can do a flippity flip.
Right.
You can just sort of spin it between the palms of your hands, or you can use the little hole in the middle, which has a name, doesn't it?
The spindle?
The sprutal.
The sprotrel?
The sprotrel.
And you can just balance that on your finger and you can do all sorts of Harlem Globetrotters style maneuvers without touching the grooves.
It's the same as CDs and CD-ROMs.
Well, I get very antsy-pantsy about DVDs.
If someone touches the surface of one of my precious DVDs, for instance, Pootie Tang, I will get very annoyed.
Because it may cause Pootie Tang to skip in the future.
Well, he's saying sign your pity on the rutty kine, rutty, runny kine.
Does anybody know what I'm talking about?
Who's in Pooty Tang?
Come on, everyone's in Pooty Tang.
Sign your pity on the runny kine!
Is that Keenan Ivory Wayans or something?
No.
Who's in there?
I'll find out.
Chris Rock.
I agree with you.
You either grip it at the edges, on the very edges, you don't touch the surface, or you put your finger through the middle.
That's a good rule for life in the general.
Do you think the BBC should have more strictly enforced rules about such behaviour?
Sure.
I mean, I'm amazed.
I know Jarvis is a professional groove tickler.
Can we get Jarvis to respond to this at all?
Do you think he has some sort of excuse or some sort of reasoning behind it?
But he is in the rare archives there and he has just got his crappy fingers all over the groove.
It's just unbelievable.
Can you see what sort of a record he's holding?
I mean, it's an old it's an old one.
I can see that it's old.
It looks rare, and it's black.
The grooves are black.
But no, I think it's a disgrace, and I think that the guy is absolutely right, the former BBC staff member, to write in.
I don't know what Jarvis is thinking about.
He should be reprimanded and have the tips of his fingers spanked.
He should have his program withdrawn.
I think maybe that's why Bobby Gillespie's filling in.
Right, because he's being punished.
He's having the tips of his fingers... what?
Spanked.
Spanked?
Yeah.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
by the man who runs the BBC.
Yeah, well Bob Shannon's doing the fingertip spanking.
Is he?
Yeah.
Well, like in the film Kes, they're just going to cane his end of his fingers.
It's a tiny little ruler he's got, he's just going to flick them against the tips of Jarvis's fingers.
And listen fact fans, of course Pootie Tang stars Lance Crowther.
Lance!
And JB Smoove.
It's a Crowther classic.
Smoove and Crowther, plus Jennifer Coolidge, Robert Vaughan and Wanda Sykes and Chris Rock.
How many times have you seen it?
And Laura Keitlinger.
Is Laura Keitlinger in?
Yeah.
We met Laura Keitlinger.
I like Pootie Tang.
Pootie Tang was a character on the Chris Rock talk show.
Right.
The talk sort of nonsensical street jive.
Yeah.
He had his own spin-off movie.
Wasn't hugely successful but some people like me like it.
Pootie Tang.
Is it better than the Jiminy Glick spin-off movie?
About the same.
About the same!
Hey, here's a free play for you now listeners.
This is a very summery track.
You could fire this one off James because it's got a long Build up here.
Yeah, and this is from talking heads last album naked meaning final yeah, their final album together and You've got Kirsty McCall doing backing vocals on this got you Kirsty McCall.
You got your Johnny Marr Johnny Marr
and it's one of the most summery sounds ever.
It's one of the most summery sounds...quid for a pan.
It's nothing but flowers.
Oh man, sorry to chip into that but I thought we'd have a bit of a textination.
I do love that song.
Is this from the film True Stories?
No, no, no.
True Stories was the album before this one, Naked I think, and it really reminds me of that summer that we went to Paris.
No, you're choking up.
So emotional.
What did we do in Paris?
You teased me about the leather hat that I was wearing.
Yes.
Remember?
For the whole trip, did I do that?
Is that all I did?
It feels like it.
And then you and Mark ganged up on me and teased me because...
What was it?
I can't remember why.
Probably still a leather hat.
It may have been a leather hat.
I lost the plot of the leather hat, got very angry indeed.
But that was the soundtrack of that summer was that album naked.
Mr. Jones, put a wiggle in your stride.
great great horn section on that yeah yeah and Johnny Mars lovely guitar and everything anyway Johnny Ma really yeah oh you said that earlier didn't you well he's doing back into my brain backing vocals on this track with Coasty McColl but but he was also very very talented on the guitar yeah man he's a king talking heads okay so let's have some text donation let's do the jingle James
Text the nation!
Text!
Text!
Text!
Text the nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter text!
So this is quite a broad, moany text the nation subject.
Everybody loves to moan on a sunny weekend.
British pastime.
Favourite British pastime.
And we're just moaning about ways in which modern technology has actually made life worse, possibly.
Keep the whole thing downbeat.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Modern bad feelings.
Keep things depressing.
You know, before you carry on, a thing, and this isn't a technology thing so much as just a modern phenomenon, is when you're reading an article and you're sort of, you know, you're happy reading the article, suddenly you realize it's an advertisement feature.
An advertorial!
You just think, thanks very much!
It's like you've just been slapped in the face by an ad man, kneed in the julies.
Can you not usually tell, though?
By the general tenor and the kind of... They're getting very sophisticated.
But then sometimes, that's the thing is, you feel so embarrassed for not spotting it sometimes, you know?
There's always a slight difference, it's slightly differently laid out, but then sometimes you start reading it.
Oh, it is an interesting... Oh, it's an advertorial!
Yes.
Here's an email from Rebecca in Bristol.
Very well.
I think I understand.
Rebecca, she says, I hate it when I go to a gig and everyone in front of me is recording the act on their smartphone.
All you can see are people holding up their phones throughout the whole thing.
If you manage to stand in a place with a good view, you then have to worry about seeing past the smartphones.
Some people record the whole show.
It's ridiculous.
Why don't people just watch the gig?
It's so off-putting.
Always draws my attention to the phone.
I mean, I have to admit that I, in the past, what I do is I record a little section of my favourite song.
Right.
Do you?
Yeah, just because one day I've got it in my mind that I'm going to make a big montage of all my gig moments.
But I know what she means, and then there's not a moment when you're going to watch back a little crappy movie that you've taken, however sophisticated your phone, where the sound is totally distorted.
People upload them to YouTube the whole time and you just see these super compressed movies that they've taken at gigs.
I mean that sounded good.
Who was that?
Was that the Wurzels?
That was the Wurzels with Shane McGowan.
Very good life.
Here's one from Jack Murphy, who's a Jonathan and male.
Hand dryers, brackets, automatic hand drying devices, close brackets.
Although very common in day to day life, I feel that the majority of hand dryers are pointless as they don't actually dry your hands.
They just move the water to your wrists.
What about the blade?
Well that's what he's talking about, the Dyson blade.
And it is more and more common in the Lavi, that particular machine, but he's right, it pushes the water up to your wrists, so you have wet wrists.
Wet cuffs?
Yeah, wet cuffs.
You know, I was just about to make an observation, but then I suddenly realised that I'd remembered it from a Michael McIntyre routine.
That's a legitimate observation.
About bending over into, you know, using the blade, and the fact that it forces you into a sort of strange position with your bum out.
Right.
Does it work while doing that?
It made sense when Michael McIntyre was saying it.
Listen, Jonathan ends his email saying the most effective hand-drying device I have used beside a towel is the Dyson Airblade, pictured below, but most of the time I feel I have to put aside a good 45 seconds of my time to dry my hands.
It's a disgrace!
But you are saving the planet.
A little bit, are you?
I can never figure it out.
Like, is the electricity better than that?
Here is another one that has come in via text from Clive who is in the Caution Regiment of the Black Squadron.
Caution?
Yeah.
Oh good.
They're one of the most hardest gangs.
Yeah.
He says traffic updates on my car stereogram always kick in when I'm either in mid sing-along or a tense part of an audiobook.
observation.
Then I spend the rest of the day with the traffic and travel jingle in my head.
Absolutely.
And you can turn it off.
There is always a button for turning those alerts off.
But it's weirdly cryptically marked, isn't it?
And I can, I don't know which one it is.
Usually it shares a button with some other function.
I've had my car for a good 10 years and I still don't know what that blooming button is.
It's got to be the cause of, I would say, at least a small handful of accidents.
People reaching, trying to
Turn the earth travel alerts off!
I agree with you.
Who was that from?
Clive.
Caution.
Thanks, Clive.
I agree with you, Caution.
Barney.
Forest Hill.
Hi Adam and Joe.
My Sainsbury's nearby in Forest Hill has a self-checkout where you can take a trolley through which I quite enjoy.
The alcohol thing is a drag.
I guess he means you have to get a member of staff to demonstrate that you're old enough for alcohol.
But...
You can stick it to the man by weighing your produce and putting clementines through as satsumas or bananas as onions if you want to live on the edge.
He gets out of the shop.
In your face, man!
They're not tzatzumas!
They're clementines!
Here's another one from Matt.
Matthew Twist.
That's a good name.
Hi Adam and Joe.
I like to think that there are cameras secretly watching me when using the barcode scanner thingy in the supermarket.
The quicker and more efficient I am, the more chance I will have of the manager seeing my potential and coming up to me after I've checked out and offering me a job.
Due to my checkout skills.
As yet I've not been offered a job, but I am increasing my scanning speed in hopes of getting one.
Thanks and bye Matt.
Wow, he said his sight's really high there.
He has.
But that's a good way to incentivise yourself to use the machine well.
Sure, well it's good to do everything in life as well as what we can.
Who knows what kind of sexy partner mate might be watching your scanning skills.
Look at the way he's scanning those packets.
He's got full control of his barcodes.
That's it, that's a gay man.
What?
Because it's a man watching another man doing the checking.
Right, right.
He's impressed by the barcodes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he talks like that.
Imagine what he could do with my barcodes.
Imagine what he could scan with a technique like that.
Unexpected item in the bagging area.
Here's another one from Doris Wu.
And Doris says... James is not looking happy.
What's wrong with that?
It's fine.
Everyone.
That happens to everyone.
Crunch and roll.
Doris says on another point, my technology gripe, I've gotten these, oh no, text to speech on your landline phone, text to speech on a landline phone.
I've got these from friends who send out mass SMX texts, complete with text speech, but it gets transcribed to my landline by a robot whose first language is clearly not English.
Listening to these is as fun and painful as reading a poorly translated manual.
The first time I ever got one of those, it freaked me out.
I didn't know what it was.
It was really scary.
It wasn't exactly Stephen Hawking.
It happens automatically if you send a text to a landline number.
Does it happen totally automatically?
I think it does, yeah.
It's quite cool, isn't it?
Are there cool uses for that?
There must be.
There must be people who just do that for fun.
Surely there must be.
I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
That's a lot you can do with it.
Unidentified item in the bag.
You have to be quite calm to do it because you have to reduce, you have to reduce the, no I can't, I can't do it anymore.
It's nearly Pierce Brosnan isn't it?
My name is Bond, James Bond.
Unidentified item.
Unidentified item in the bagging area.
It's gone wrong.
Listen, this is Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music.
It's too soon for the news.
No, it's time for the news.
You're sliding to the news.
Come on, let's... no, let's... I like it when we fill and it's exactly 12.30.
You got 15 seconds and no hesitation.
Well listen, 15 seconds.
And your time starts now.
It is now time on 6 Music for... You would not do very well on Just A Minute for the news.
Here it is.
That's Black Street and Dr. Dre with no diggity.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music, your number one stop for hip-hop.
Is it?
Yeah.
It's where all the hip-hop fans come.
And we're going to do our super new segment now, as promised earlier.
Are we?
Yeah, we're going to do a special new segment designed for your stories about travelling on trains and public transport.
Yeah, so we unveiled the train jingle earlier, which we described, or Joe described, as like being shot in the face with fun.
Here it is again.
Here is an email that came in from Sam and this is about a game.
Now this email came in before we introduced our new law of declaring your gender with your name.
So Sam is going to remain gender ambiguous.
Bendy Sam.
Dear Adam and Joe, I could relate strongly to the train stories that were told on the show.
I've invented a little game to amuse myself on my journey to work.
Excuse me.
It all stems from the fact that some commuters want to take up as many seats as possible and they certainly don't want anyone to sit next to them.
Guilty.
Through my research I've found three major styles of seat blockage.
These are number one, the classic bag on seat.
Number two, the sit in the aisle seat with the window seat empty.
Tick.
number three the large bag on the floor in front of the empty seat as mentioned by Adam in last week's show that would be the week before last or something yeah yeah so they're all ways to try and block and obstruct and put off people from sitting beside you I would like to make it clear though before I go any further excuse me I've got some um Sklunge
That when I do that technique if anyone does want the seat and I will immediately remove my bags Extremely fast extremely, but the thing is that I've got so many bags when I travel like I've got all my bike bags So I'd make a big mountain and I make it as off-putting as I your nightmare
Sam then goes on to say, note, all of these techniques can be enhanced by the quotes, fake sleep, a very powerful tool in the seat blockers arsenal.
Done it many times.
They can also be used in combination.
Now the aim of my train game is simple.
Wait a second.
Not that simple.
The aim of my game is simple.
The aim is to sit in a blocked seat.
I'm not so petty as to play this game when the train is almost empty, but if there are only single seats available, I will endeavor to sit in a blocked seat.
The most satisfying situation is when I ask someone to move their bag off the seat, but the seat across the aisle is free.
The confusion on their faces is priceless.
And there's a free seat over there.
Why is he making me move my bag?
My simple answer to them is that they are selfish, selfish people that need to be punished and the punishment is me sitting next to them for 20 minutes.
Sam's a man.
There you go.
Sam.
I also play this game on buses.
Now that's pretty cool.
Don't you think?
He's the fun ruiner.
No, no, he's the fun maker.
He's taking a potentially difficult situation and turning it into a fun, fun, fun, fun, fun game for himself.
Yeah, but then you don't... You're the opponent in this game.
I'm separated then from my bags.
Yeah, but you've got Sam next to you.
So I wonder how Sam deals with a very insistent... because sometimes I would go... Actually, I've never done it, but I always think it.
Why don't you just sit over there?
Look, there's a spare seat right there.
Look there sit there.
Would you and how would he respond to that?
No, I want to sit there where your bags are.
Yeah, that's what he'd do.
No, no No, I say again if any if it's busy and if anyone is hovering at all Expectantly or looking around for a seat whether there's one free elsewhere or not.
I will remove
You're the exception, you're doing the right thing.
Not many people do that.
But no, but I do admit certainly to all those techniques that he mentioned.
The fake sleep and the... That's the perfect email though for our new transport section.
Yeah.
Wouldn't you say?
Absolutely.
Have you got one there?
yes it's a it's a little on the long side please try and keep your communications as concise as you possibly can but this one was funny it certainly reminded me of a situation i've been in a lot richard from st alban's he writes a couple of months ago i boarded a virgin train from birmingham to london sitting down at one of the nice window seats facing onto a table love them i got out my book settled in for a nice read initially i had the four seats all to myself
but at Coventry a family got on consisting of a mother, a young daughter, and two teenage sons around 13 to 15 years old.
Ooh, the heart's sinking.
The two boys sat opposite me at the table, annoying me already, while the mum sat across the aisle from them.
For the next twenty minutes or so, the kid sat directly opposite me, rolled his eyes and head, made strange
quiet farting noises under his breath, hummed tunelessly, shuffled around in his seat and basically annoyed the hell out of me.
I thought, what the heck?
I'm a 34 year old man.
I paid for this seat.
I'm not going to put up with this aggravation the whole journey just for the sake of politeness.
So I got up and I moved to a spare seat behind my original one.
No problem.
The mother immediately stopped what she was doing and loudly asked her son, Anthony, what did you do to that man?
There followed a good minute of heated exchange between mum and son, while I stared out of the window pretending I was unaware of the conversation.
Eventually the boy's claims of innocence must have convinced his mum, and the focus shifted to me.
Excuse me, said the mum's voice, quite angrily, obviously directed at me.
Why did you move seats?
I realized afterwards I should have said that I wanted more leg room, which would have been plausible and defensible.
Instead, I said, oh, nothing major, just that your son was annoying me.
I have a very low annoyance threshold.
What the heck were you thinking?
The truth-tact-ting.
The truth-tact-ting.
The mum...tact-ting?
The mum stared blankly at me, then tutted loudly, shook her head in an I-don't-know-some-people sort of way and fell silent, had to endure the rest of the journey feeling about the size of an ant trying not to catch the mum's eye.
So, um, that's pretty hardcore.
It's very brave and bold.
I said it was from the wrong person.
That was from Will in London, I think.
No, no, no, it wasn't.
I'm getting my name.
I know you're getting panicked.
The name went onto a different piece of paper.
But yeah, I've been in that situation and you think... It's from Chris Tapp.
Chris Tapp.
And you think, oh no, I can't, I can't move because it'll be too obvious that I'm moving away from the annoying person.
But then you have to balance it up with like, well, that's your tough for being annoying.
You've got every right to move, surely.
But to be called on it, that's rare, I would say.
What would you say in that situation?
I'd say,
Shut up and go away your son smells.
That's why I'm moving and look at his face And I don't like under the breath farting noises It's a mysterious Sort of collection of things the child was doing rotating the head and the eyes and making silent I mean just try that for a second rotate the head and the eyes and make strange farting noises go It is annoying
It's not that annoying yet.
Keep doing it.
That's my main contribution to this show.
What else was he doing?
Hang on.
Let's look at the list.
Quiet farting noises under his breath, hummed tunelessly and shuffled around in his seat.
Okay, so basically I want you to roll your eyes and your head, strange quiet farting noises, humming tunelessly and shuffle around.
I want you on all my train journeys.
You're wicked.
Now we're going to talk about Song Wars after this next track because we have to commit ourselves.
We have to figure out if we're going to do this thing or not.
It's four weeks into the show in 2011, still no Song Wars.
Let's talk about it after the Arctic Monkeys.
Yes, that was the Arctic Monkeys, was it?
It didn't sound exactly like the monkeys.
You know, they're just changing their sound willy-nilly there, as if they could do whatever they wanted.
But listen, who cares?
Because waiting in the antechamber through the whole show with an enormous retinue of security guards and bodyguards.
It's been an enormous palaver here this morning at the castle.
We're very honored to welcome into the studio the Queen.
Laura, Laura, blind of death... Now your majesty, there's a big event coming up next week, isn't there?
Oh, blind of death... Laura, Laura, Laura, blind of death...
There's a wedding, isn't there?
It's a nice wedding.
Look, look, lolly, lolly.
Katie.
What are you going to get the royal couple for their wedding present?
I heard you might be getting them some bedding.
A lolly, lolly, lolly bit of bedding.
What?
For the wedding.
Wedding bedding.
That's a nice couple of lolly people getting married.
Katie, Willie getting married.
Got some wedding bedding, Laura, Laura.
And I hear they're... And I got a loli loli finio kopo in the toaster.
Maison face on the toaster.
Willy and Katie on the toaster, loli kopo.
That's good, good news.
And I got a play loli play with the face on the play for the Willy and the Katie.
And the Katie face on the play.
I'm not gonna give it to us.
There's a lovely couple of blinded data.
Are you upset that the royal couple didn't actually meet on an episode of blinded data?
A little, little bit.
What kind of... Are you a priest?
What kind of priest were you, boy?
A lovely couple, it would have been nice, but you can't have everything of blinded data.
You seem a little bit angry, your highness.
No.
Are you tense?
No, I'm a be, I'm a be, lovely couple.
You were right.
I'm happy!
Do you need to go?
No, no, go, go.
We kept you waiting too long, didn't we?
There she goes.
Wow, that was an interview with the Queen, a slightly irritable Queen, but then it is a very tense Queen.
She's got a lot on her plate.
She's got a lot on her collectible plate.
A lot of it's coming off onto the food and it's got lead poisoning.
Of the wedding, right?
And
Do you get the feeling they're downplaying the wedding somewhat?
It's not a lot of fever, is there?
Wedding fever.
Maybe I'm not reading the right periodicals or watching the right show.
I think it's so tricky for the royal family.
They have to tread carefully.
It's not tricky for our family.
So tricky.
But they're walking the tightrope of public opinion the whole time and they don't want to ram these celebrations down, you know, people's throats.
I did cycle through, I cycled past Westminster Abbey yesterday.
today.
And there's an enormous changes going on there.
Massive sort of stands being built and huge press pens and they're searching through all the drains and the lampposts, checking for noughties.
Norton, yeah, illegal cakes, clementines being smuggled through as satsumas, that kind of thing.
We thought that we would add to the festive fun by composing a little Song Wars
A mini Song Wars thing, just to break ourselves back in.
You know, and so don't expect too much listeners.
Mine's going to be very very slapdash.
It could be very short, almost like a jingle maybe.
I only have Easter Sunday and Monday to do it.
Right.
And that's special holiday time.
Special holiday time.
I'm going to be lazy.
So it might be kind of a karaoke thing but we are going to get back into Song Wars.
One way or another you're going to hear that Song Wars jingle next week.
A Royal Wedding Song Wars.
And it's going to be a Royal Kate and Willie Song Wars coming your way.
So that's something to look forward to.
That's a very fresh subject, isn't it?
yeah it's topical it's topical they're always the most fun ones and i think you know it really gets people talking it really gets people united and that's what this show's all about laura blinder data now you've got a um i've got a free play this is brand newbie and they're a hip-hop band from the past this has got a lovely sample from royers is uh you know um what's it called his sunshine one everybody loves the sunshine yeah but with some very good rapping on top this is called wake up
Brand Nubian with Wake Up, Bracket's reprise in the sunshine, this is Adam and Joe on BBC6 music.
It's nearly time for us to go away.
Wow.
Some of you may be relieved, some of you may be sad, some of you may be indifferent, but it's Liz Kershaw coming up next, I mean about us, not about Liz Kershaw.
Everyone's going to be excited about the Kershaw.
Sure.
Who's she got on her show?
Has she got anyone?
Because she's got like big guests all the time, doesn't she, Kershaw?
Who's she got this week?
She'd never get Roger Moore.
She hasn't got the Queen though has she?
Or Roger Moore.
Thank you so much for listening everybody and thanks for sending in all your texts and emails.
Don't forget if you want to respond to Text the Nation there'll be retro Text the Nation in the show next week that will be going out live from 10am to 1pm here on BBC6 Music.
You can listen again to this week's show via the iPlayer or you can download the podcast which has all the good bits in it only and new bits at the beginning and end.
Yeah, and in the middle.
And in the middle.
And we got an upset message from someone saying, oh, it's all about Black Squadron.
What about the people who listen to the podcast?
I mean, that's old news.
I don't know how you missed that.
But there is PodSquad and they are a special... I've got a letter about that I'll be reading out in the podcast.
OK.
Yeah.
So, yeah, you can download that tonight, I think maybe, or it might be tomorrow, but you can check it out tonight.
Thanks for listening.
Happy Easter.
Have a great weekend.
Lots of love.
I love you.
Bye!