British Castle.
It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.
There'll be some music and some random talking in.
That's, uh, the drums, and let's go surfing.
Good morning, this is Adam Buxton.
It would be a good day to go surfing.
You're supposed to say your name.
Hello, I'm Joe Cornish.
You not Denny Different?
Uh, no, who would be Denny Different?
Who would want to be Denny?
Why would you want to be Denny Different?
I mean, look at him.
Yeah.
Who would be any different?
Nice day to go surfing though, cause it's beautiful.
It's nice, man.
The summer started.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Has your life changed because of the summer starting?
Nope.
Is it not?
Nope.
Mine has.
It's totally gone up.
So I'm going to talk to you about it later on.
Ooh.
Cause everything changes.
I mean my, everything changes, but you, that's the nice thing about you.
But my cold hasn't completely gone or whatever it is or whatever it is.
But my chesticles were a lot better.
Good.
Check it out.
They look better.
I'm not really wheezing.
That's a little bit wheezy.
I mean, I'm just breathing though, that's the sound of breath.
That's the sound of breath.
Well, I can do that too.
There you go.
But you went all wheezy.
Yeah, but you've got to empty your lungs.
Empty your lungs right now.
Not empty your stomach and your bones.
Don't empty your bones.
Now come on, you've got to clean it up now.
Oh, now look what's happened.
Oh no!
What?
What's going on?
I thought we got rid of him!
Get out!
Get him out!
Kick it out!
Ben, we've got a different producer this week because James Sterling, our regular producer, is on holiday in Spain.
It's nice for him, isn't it?
But we've been joined by our old friend Ben Appleyard.
Hey apples!
How's it going?
Yeah, come on so apples you got to clean up that mess and make sure the dog doesn't come in again Please thank you very much So listen folks.
We've got a packed show, but right now.
Let's let's play some music while we just settle down calm ourselves down Okay, because you know you can get what are we gonna have next?
We're gonna go for bass-o-matic, a bit of fascinating rhythm.
This is from around the same era as the Street Tough record, isn't it?
Yeah, this is odd.
We're having a little cluster of, when is that, 90s?
Late 80s?
Late 80s, yeah, the birth of dance.
Yeah, sort of very computer-controlled dance, was when things weren't allowed to be that loose.
You were being a little bit rude about the Rebel MCs.
Well it's not, to be perfectly honest, and this is just my opinion, for me it's not the best period in dance, stroke, sort of hip-hop, hippity-hop.
The Rebel's here and he's Street Tough!
It's kind of embryonic in a sort of slightly embarrassing way.
Yeah, I mean the truly embryonic stuff is, is the, I think of as the kind of New York stuff.
But this is a weird, this is when sort of hip hop and, and house would you call it, sort of blended and it blended its, its two most least interesting aspects.
That's not a very good way to introduce a record.
We're like music experts.
We like them from a distance.
We like them in that we're humans.
So listen, here's a really bad record.
This is Bass-O-Matic with Fascinating Rhythm.
Hit it!
Yeah, that was Bass-O-Matic with fascinating rhythm.
Funking heck, that was amazing.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC6Music.
Happy Saturday morning.
It's been a difficult start to our second show.
Why?
Well, I was sick all over the floor.
Oh, you were sick and then the dog came in.
And then the dog came in and then we played that.
I liked that!
It's been a little puddle of stench.
Well listen, what if Johnny Bassface from Bass-O-Matic was sad at home?
Even he regrets it.
And he was listening to that, and you were all rude about it, and he would be like, oh, thanks very much.
Oh no, they're not playing this one.
What about my new material?
He'd be saying.
What about my new funky stuff?
Yeah.
I got a funky track, it's coming out now.
I'm going to show you what the track is and how.
that's how it goes you take over i can't listen black squadron uh are the elite listening force that listened to this program at the very beginning they were created they were birthed when this show used to start at nine were they even birthed when we did when we sat in for the breakfast show
No.
So it used to be for people who got up at 9am and listened live to the live show.
An elite listening force.
Now we've started at 10.
It's a more sort of generous open recruitment position sort of thing, isn't it?
I mean, the likelihood is that Black Squadron are up at nine anyway.
It's like when the police used to only let people over a certain height into the police force.
They couldn't get enough bobbies on the beat.
Is that not still the case?
No, no, no, no, no.
You can be shorter now.
Really?
Yeah, that was several years ago.
Wicked.
Quite a while ago.
You could now be a copy.
There are some tiny ones out there.
Some of them you can't see from a distance.
Little Frodo coppers.
Yeah.
So that's what Black Squadron is now.
It's a more inclusive squad, but no less ruthless.
No, don't get the idea that it's somehow a relaxing option.
No, no, no, no, no.
They'll kettle you.
Because we need a lot of... We will kettle you on a bridge.
We'll kettle a heck out of you.
For as long as we want.
And we'll do it in the small house in the morning when nobody knows.
Yeah, exactly.
So listen, stand by for your command, Black Squadron.
This is going to be a slightly abstract one.
we should remark we should remind you in custody we should remind you that you know what you have to do when you hear the command is it's a photo command right yeah you have to take a photograph of yourself doing the command and you have to send it to the following email address Adam and Joe that's a and D not by the way when we say you have to you have to yeah we're not like saying it's not voluntary no if you're black squadron you're conscripted
edamandjoe at sixmusic.bbc.co.uk and that's the address for all communication.
Yeah, email your photo as quickly as possible please.
We got about three, we got over 350 didn't we last week?
It was record breaking last week.
It was the record breakers.
Yeah.
So here's the command.
We'll go straight into a record afterwards.
You have the duration of that record to execute the command.
Your command this, have we had the jingle?
No.
Wow.
Wow.
We're getting way ahead of ourselves.
That would have been terrible.
Okay, let's have the, let's have the jingle first Ben.
Black Squadron Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the way Black Squadron rolls Black Squadron Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the Squadron's power Black Squadron
And before you deliver the command, Joe, can I say that the free play that I have lined up for you is a bit of Lou Reed.
And it's one of those songs, Walk on the Wild Side, that has been played to death, right?
Really?
Yeah.
And it's a great song, no one's saying it's not a great song, but it's one of those things like Bohemian Rhapsody that actually there's never the right time to listen to again because you feel as if you've heard it too many times.
So why are you playing it?
Well, I'm playing a live version from 1972 when he was touring Transformer.
Transformers?
Yeah, it was Transvorm... I don't know why I'm doing a Bowie voice for that.
But yeah, a live version that completely sort of... So you did a live Transformers stage show?
Yeah, it was amazing.
The guy Sheila Burf was there and he's playing bass on this track and the bass transforms into... What's Optimus Prime up to?
Optimus Prime is on bongos.
Really?
Yeah.
He has to have very tough bongos.
Well, yes, he does.
He's got huge bongos.
Big metal bongos, giant metal bongos.
So he's playing on this track as well.
But it's one of those live versions that completely reinvents in an enjoyable way the track.
So much to remember.
Black Squadron, here we go, here's your command.
Just give them the email address once more.
Adam and Joe at 6music.bbc.uk.
This week's command is Unusual Sandwich.
Here's Lou.
And now, Mrs. Simpkins will read some Proust.
Thank you very much, Mr. Read.
That was a good version though.
I mean, I said before that it completely reinvented the song.
That may have been overstating the case.
You overstated it.
You're hyperbolic.
I'm absolutely hyperbolic.
I'm full of, yeah.
Um, but the thing is, you know, it just makes it sound fresh and nice.
And that's a good little guitar solo at the end, replacing the sax.
It's really good, wasn't it?
Didn't you think?
Yeah.
Didn't you enjoy that?
Yes, I did.
Um, now Joe's having a little bit of a meltdown because he's not having a problem because I can't open any of these flipping Black Squadron photos, the BBC computer.
Every time I click it, it just goes, it just goes application not found.
But Tom,
who's our backup man.
He is doing a brilliant job of selecting some and printing them out.
He's very busy.
So bear with us.
We've had a lot of responses.
There are some very unusual sandwiches coming in.
I mean, I'm guessing they are.
Yeah, I can't see any.
We saw one, didn't we, that happened to open?
We saw one that was just a little child sandwich.
A child with a piece of bread on his tummy.
That is an unusual sandwich.
Lying on the kitchen floor.
That is a very unusual sandwich.
But we'll come back to this in a second.
But before then, Adam, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go!
I was hoping you might have a meltdown about the pictures.
Go, go, go, go, three, two, one.
Action, and action.
Okay, right, here we go.
I've got some by the way now.
Have you?
Yeah.
What are they like?
They're good, but hang on, he hasn't written the name on it.
No, he hasn't written the names on it.
Listen man, you should have a meltdown.
I'm going to have a meltdown with Tom.
I'm going to fly off the handle with Tom.
Have it now though.
I can't, not on air, it's wrong.
It's against the BBC rules.
People like it, people like it.
Anyway, I can't shout like you can.
Shout at Tom.
Tom!
For the name of Billy...
Jimmy Guidal!
What are you doing?
There's no names on the pictures that are coming in of the unusual sandwiches?
It's not fast enough!
It's not fast enough!
It's not fast enough!
There's a long delay!
Adam, Adam, Adam, tell him he's not picking out... You're not picking out the good ones!
There's one here of what is this picture you've picked?
It's just a normal sandwich with...
bits of lettuce that's not unusual and what's this one a woman he hasn't written the name on on that one either he's written daffodil sandwich daffodil what's that who's it by who's it by can't read it out not can't tell him he's fired you're fired tell him to get out get out but turn to finish before he gets out finish this before you get out
And who's- Richard is the intern today, what are we gonna do?
Richard!
You're stepping up to the plate!
Do it now!
Pin some good pictures!
Or you're fired too!
We own this place!
We run this joint!
Is that good?
Yeah, you better have a record.
Well, we gotta trail first.
Cor blimey, that was Arcade Fire with Month of May.
That was quite good.
That was good, man.
That was intense.
They're an intense band.
You think they sit around tickling each other, Arcade Fire?
No, no, no, no, no tickling.
No punching.
Hard punching.
Exactly.
Hard punching and reading to each other from politics books.
Yes, while they punch each other in the face.
Sometimes they hit each other with the politics box.
Yeah, and they're not allowed to react.
So Black Squadron, this is extraordinary.
Your response is extraordinary.
I mean, what a fighting force.
Wow.
I mean, and their response is so quick as well.
So quick, so fast.
There can be no army in any other country that matches it.
And thank you very much, for instance, Fiona.
James?
Is that her name or is it Fiona and James?
There's a rivita sandwich with some tea bags in it.
Would that be tasty?
There's a sandwich here from Ellie Nugent with what appears to be a clockwork crab
uh in a rustic bun the the ryvita sandwich with tea bags that's what we have at our house really my wife likes those really they're bitter papery and all the bits would come out all the all the um
You might want a bit of mayo on there.
Do you know when you go round to someone's house and they offer you food you have to eat it otherwise it's rude.
Try offering them an unusual sandwich.
Sarah in Cambridge to continue the teabag theme has made an apple sandwich between two teabags.
Wow, that's nice looking.
Stuart and Lucy in York have put, I mean maybe that's Lucy herself, but she's sandwiched between two large sofa cushions.
You see, I was hoping and expecting for more human-based, unusual sound.
Well, you know, there's so many that have come in.
This is only the tip of the iceberg.
Here is a sandwich.
It looks like it's on white bread.
It's important to select the type of bread you want your sandwich in.
And in between the two pieces of white bread are some potatoes, some wrapped oxo cubes, and a whole meat pie and tinfoil plate.
I had that sandwich yesterday.
Did you?
Was it tasty?
It was nice, man.
Oh no, hang on, hang on, there's a description of said sandwich.
Wait, it's from Matthew and Emily, it's their cheery pie.
Cheery pie, it's got brie, crackers, walnuts, oxhole cubes, a Yorkshire pudding and potatoes.
You see, they should have that at Eat or one of the popular sandwich outlets, then I would get that.
It really makes you realise how small-minded a lot of sandwich making is, how narrow-minded it is, how limited it is.
Egg and crack.
Yeah, come on.
Where are the teabags?
Here's a man who's put a piece of sandwich, a piece of sandwich, a piece of bread on his head and another underneath his chin and he's put a tomato in his mouth and he looks sad.
His name's Dan in Bethnal Green, a Dan sandwich.
Thanks very much for all those, Black Squadron.
We could just talk about these for the whole show.
Let's do that.
Would that be good for three hours?
Describing unusual sandwiches?
We'll talk about some other stuff for a little while and then go back to the unusual sandwiches.
But before all of that, it has just gone 10.30 and it's time for the news.
The sandwiches are still coming in, the unusual sandwiches.
So we should stand down in the squadron, otherwise this will go on all day and it'll start to ruin people's weekends.
Because the squadron, once they've got a command, they can't stop doing it.
No, exactly.
They need to have a voice of authority tell them to relax.
So let's have the jingle, Ben, please.
Stand down, your work is done.
You've earned yourself a nice warm bath and maybe a nice little bun.
There we go and don't forget you'll be able to see all those unusual sandwiches on bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash adamandjoe.
Is it all of them or is it a selection of the sandwiches?
All the ones that are fit to print.
Yeah, the nice sandwiches.
Now we were talking about the fact that it's been a lovely hot week earlier and one of the things that happens when the weather gets nice is people start looking nice.
They start wearing less things.
Start wearing less things.
And suddenly the opposite sexes, or sometimes the same sexes, start staring at each other in a new and exciting way.
I don't know if this happens to you.
I mean I think it happens to men most often.
That's a generalisation though.
But you know you find yourself responding to certain primal urges and seeking a mate and checking out that mate making sure that they would be a nice mate.
Hello mate.
Hello mate.
Alright mate.
Exactly that kind of mate.
You live nice mate.
Look at your shorts, they're very short mate.
Is there any way would you like to mate mate?
No beating about the business there.
No, I thought that's what we were doing.
We were going to be direct about it.
Right.
Who sent it in that direction?
Keep talking.
But anyway, you know, the thing is that I don't do any of that anymore because I'm married.
No, no, no.
So since I got married, I stopped looking at women and in that way, I don't do it.
And you know, in fact, the sight of an attractive woman makes me physically sick.
It's men now.
Yeah, it's mainly good-looking men.
Because that's allowed.
Yeah, that's fine.
People often have a sort of, you know, sexual orientation switcheroo mid marriage.
once they've got the family in place do they often change my mind sorry love switcheroo you've been watching my film by todd haynes possibly what was the one with dennis quaid in it where he does that oh i don't know he's gay and he comes out basically and he's living a life nicole kidman 50s america
Yeah, I forget what that's called.
Won loads of awards.
Anyway, um, no, that's not what I'm talking about.
Yes, that is a thing that happens to some men, but that's not currently happening to me.
I don't look at anyone in that way anymore because I don't have those urges.
I'm very, very satisfied and happy with my beautiful wife.
But in the olden days I'm talking about, before all that,
There were times when I'd be in the car, for example, I'd be in the passenger seat and maybe my lady pal would be driving at that point and I would be looking out of the window and I would maybe see a beautiful woman walking along and I would want to, you know, have a quick inspection of her.
Am I making this sound sufficiently creepy?
Are you licensed to inspect?
Well, no, that's the thing.
You're not really licensed to inspect, and so you have to go through various bits of subterfuge and theatre in order to disguise the fact.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, Far From Heaven.
Far From Heaven was the film, the Todd Haynes film, yeah.
But, you know, so you don't want to get busted looking, is what I'm saying.
Have you ever been in this position?
Hmm, yeah, sure.
And have you got any techniques is what I'm driving?
Oh, I see.
Well, one good technique is if you spot an attractive person approaching, kind of jump ahead, figure out what their path of approach will be, and sort of anticipate where the spot that they will occupy in about 15 seconds by looking at something beyond it.
Look at the prices on those TVs!
Ooh!
That woman's walked in front of the TVs!
There she goes, a rude woman, look at her.
Anyway, back to the TVs.
That's a good one.
Rude woman, look at her.
What a rude bottom.
Look at that rude woman.
I use a similar technique sometimes and say, look at the way she's dressed.
That's nearly you're turning into your dad.
Yeah, but then that's what your dad used to do when we were taking to Ibiza beautiful eyes No, very eyes.
Let me the binoculars.
He was nakedly lustful in an inappropriate way, but he's still using sort of Fake kind of fake points of attraction.
I don't think there was anything fake about his points of attraction He would say eyes.
He was photographing the points of attraction in Ibiza as far as I can remember but no, um, I
I'm talking about, yes, just being sort of, you know, disapproving, mock disapprovingness.
It can be dangerous as well when you're driving, can't it?
Yeah.
Well, I'm saying I'm in the passenger seat.
Oh, I see.
The lady pal is driving.
No, I'm not, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but, but sometimes you could, one can nearly have a little fender bender.
Sure.
Well, when they get sexy ads like big bill posters, the accident rate goes up around those dozens.
Yes.
The hello boys bra at right back in the day caused a lot of true.
I think it is really statistically it's true for for women.
There's a problem with men's pants, isn't there?
What do you mean?
Well, with the low-slung jeans in the summer.
And one can often get a lot of male pant.
And it gets them very hot, is that what you're saying?
I don't know.
I think it must be unattractive for them.
As a man, I find it quite unattractive.
Especially when you're cycling, and the person in front of you hasn't really hoiked their trousers up.
And you can get quite a lot of hairy crack on display.
Yeah.
You're not really allowed to say that.
Of course I am.
Of course I am.
It's fine.
He's talking about the drug.
The gap between the buttocks.
It's a healthy family area.
It's a fun family area.
You know, builders.
Anyone's got to get used to it.
Of course they do.
It's one of Britain's national points of interest.
My other technique, which is a little bit similar to your trajectory technique, is to stare out of the window at said attractive person and then carry on staring afterwards as if I'm looking at buildings and architecture.
Oh, nice.
You know what I mean?
So this is sort of quite highfalutin technique.
Yeah, yeah.
So if I get busted, who are you staring at?
Oh, I'm just looking at those buildings.
The architecture around here is interesting to me.
Look at it.
It's very good.
Anyway, you know, so I'll carry on staring for like way after.
Are you looking at that woman?
Oh, no, he's not.
He's not.
He's looking at the buildings because the woman's gone now and we're just passing buildings.
Should we, are we asking listeners for their techniques?
Well, this isn't necessarily a textination subject, but I certainly wouldn't mind hearing if anyone else has got any top tips.
Yeah, sort of summer problems.
Summer problems, that's the tip of the iceberg for summer problems.
adamandjoeatbbc.co.uk is the email address, or our text number is 64046, and I'd like to apologise for my earlier comment.
You know, I shouldn't have even mentioned it, I don't think it is a big one.
Well I'm going to apologise just in case.
Can't be too careful at the castle.
You can't, I mean, yeah.
Here's one of my favourite bands, this is Metronomy, and this is out on Monday the 11th of April.
Yeah, I was just going to make it worse.
But I stopped myself going back to that.
Yeah.
Okay.
Um, yeah, this is from their third album, the English Riviera also out on Monday.
Haven't heard this before.
I say they're one of my favorite bands and I have not heard this before, but I just liked them.
They're good.
Here we go.
This is the look.
You know, I liked, it's called a work.
Cool.
Kick.
Is it really?
Yeah.
Now work.
Cool.
Kick.
I would believe that.
a scrapey thing scrapey thing you know i like that track the more i heard it uh but it's stripped down i mean it's so stripped down it's practically nude they had to hold themselves back sometimes that's the hardest thing restraint you don't want to over egg it it's like the exact opposite of the go team it's hard you know it's like when you're drawing a picture and you have to tell yourself when to stop right as if you draw one too many color cue exactly might go down the
Toilet, toilet, toilet tube.
Right.
You start putting too much shading in.
And then what I do is in the end I get frustrated and I just have to colour the whole thing in black.
Really?
Just make it a black square?
Yeah, make it a big black square.
Black square of anger.
But that's why you are who you are.
who you are.
Listen to Salomon Joe on BBC6 music.
Thank you very much for listening so far.
Here's a free play from me.
This is by magnetic man and the title is mad asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.
So you'll have to use your imagination to figure out what that word is.
Um, book.
Here's a mad book by magnetic man.
that's magnetic man with mad asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk he's magnetic he's an electric magnetic man is an electronic music project consisting of dubstep producers and djs benga scream and artwork they met in the late 90s in croydon
They perform using three computers, one playing drum samples, one playing basses, and the third playing leads and samples.
That's very good.
I love that track.
That's enjoyable.
Thanks.
Where'd you hear about that?
I don't know.
Were you out scratching with a crew?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what happened.
So, Joe, some friends of mine, right, they have a 13 year old daughter.
And she is a precocious and beautiful young lady.
And she's going through maybe a phase that a lot of young girls go through of being quite materialistic.
I wonder if that's fair to say.
And she sent through this... Well, she's young and the world is full of things.
Yeah, exactly.
And she's getting excited about all the things.
Look at all these things!
All these things.
And she hasn't got any money.
I mean, when you're 13, you don't have the power to buy the things.
Yet the things are being displayed to you in attractive, highly produced commercials left, right and centre.
And kids are... Am I ranting?
No, no.
Kids are bombarded.
They're a prime marketing group.
They get bombarded by all sorts of seductive messages.
So it's a tricky place to be as a kid.
so I think we can have every empathy for this young lady.
That's true.
You know, there's an entire industry designed to try and attract her consumer desires.
Yes.
Right?
But the problem is that her parents are not particularly wealthy, so that it's not very easy for them just to lavish upon her all the things that she desires.
Everyone's a victim.
You know, and that's a thing that's common to a lot of people, isn't it?
Anyway, check out this...
check out this email that she sent to her parents shortly before her birthday.
If you want to spend your money wisely, I suggest you stick to this list and do NOT buy anything other than the items on it, unless you see something which I may like, in which case ask me first or don't get it at all.
And then some of these items are in red.
So she's writing this to people, to prospective gift buyers?
To her parents.
To her parents?
Yeah.
Because she's sick of getting stuff that she doesn't necessarily really like.
And she's doing it as a favour to her parents as well.
Because she doesn't want them to waste their money on the wrong present.
She wants to avoid that situation on birthday day where she has to throw the present right back in their faces and then storm out of the room.
She doesn't want that.
The more you describe this, the more sensible she seems.
Why waste the money?
Target the money very specifically.
If we're going to do this, let's do it right.
There've been a lot of sad occasions in the past where it hasn't gone right.
Let's do it right this year.
In red, she's written on this list, Rihanna tickets.
Must be at least two.
One for me and a friend.
The red items are the ones that are really important.
Beneath that, another red item.
A nice dress, like my grey American apparel one, but sleeveless.
Not in red.
Pretty summery top.
Not a shirt.
Not a tee.
Must be pretty.
Show me what it looks like first.
Earrings.
They must not be my main present though.
In red.
Bikini.
I must try these on and recommend to you one.
So be patient for links.
Be patient for links?
She's going to send links to the kind of tops she likes.
Bikini she likes.
Pants from Topshop.
Very small present.
Yeah, but that's true, isn't it?
Don't make that a big present.
No, that's just a stocking filler.
That is a very small present.
No piece of jewellery to be my main present, as it's small and I don't wear jewellery.
Yeah, size is directly connected to value.
Exactly.
Make-up, possibly some foundation, but I must recommend the colour, brand and style and type.
Spare money?
Always acceptable.
Spare money?
Is there such a thing as spare money?
Sure, everyone's got spare money.
You'll have some of that.
That's stuff you've got in your wallet bulging out, none of that.
Next item on the list.
For someone to paint my wooden desk for me, however, this must be done well and cannot be my only present from this person.
So if they hire a guy to come and do it, he has to bring a gift?
Yeah.
right he needs well you know the girl should specify that gift because what if that gift's wrong well maybe they will forward the list to the guy that paints the desk right and he's got to do a good job though otherwise he's in trouble next item to be allowed to have the whole cupboards and put the towels etc in the chest of drawers in my room and move that into the spare room is that a present
Well, it's something that she wants reorganized.
Well, she's using the opportunity of her birthday to deal with some other stuff in her life.
Exactly.
She has a total control on that day.
Right.
Yeah.
Birthday, it's all about you.
It's not just about material gifts, it's about being able to order other things around in the world.
Make your life just the way you want it.
Next item on the list, no books!
Unless requested.
Oh, that's a shame.
What books just, by definition of being books, are just not worthy of being a gift?
Yeah, they're like a chore.
A book's a chore.
Oh, thanks for getting me a book!
Why don't you just knee me in the julies?
Thanks, Mum.
Book.
That's a shame.
And then final list, also in red, this is an important one.
Fish.
Must include... Must include tank.
Automatic water cleaner, two pretty fish, and decorations for inside.
Wow.
She's quite a pretty nurse Nazi, isn't she?
And then at the end she says as a postscript, this is pretty much everything.
Stick to this list and I'll be happy in the morning.
To make me as happy as possible.
To make me as happy as possible, you'll need to buy me at least three of my most desired things coloured in red.
Wow.
I mean that makes me think of, because in a way she's right, she's trying to make things as happy as possible in red.
But it reminds me of how angry you can get if something goes wrong on your birthday.
Do you remember being furious on your birthday?
Did you remember having a tantrum so bad that you sort of had to remove yourself from the celebrations?
Like people would come for a party but you just couldn't be there because you were so furious.
Oh no, Joe's not here.
Joe's in his room.
He's very angry.
He had a problem earlier today.
He's not coming to the party.
He might come later if he gets better.
Did that ever happen to you?
Yeah, I'm sure it did.
Sure it happened to me.
Oh man.
Wow, what a list.
What an extraordinary lady.
I've got all that to look forward to, of course, because I have a young daughter myself.
Hey, it's the top of the hour.
It's 11 o'clock.
What happens now?
Um, wow.
We should play some kind of a song.
Uh, what have we got?
Here's the Kings of Leon with King of the Rodeo.
What is he saying?
Who taught the Rolos?
Yeah.
Who taught the Rolos?
That's a poorly educated Rolo.
That's a bad Rolo.
What's he doing?
Who taught the Rolo?
He's got a good way of singing that guy, hasn't he?
I mean, he's really invented a whole new way of delivering stuff in there.
We were just thinking there, listeners, in a few weeks we might do some Song Wars action.
And we were thinking that would be a good topic for Song Wars, like invent a way of singing.
An entirely new style of singing.
Yeah, because the thing about the Kings of Leon is you recognize them immediately from his vocal style.
It's completely unique, isn't it?
Yeah.
And that's a valuable thing in rock if you can be recognized purely by the sound of your voice.
So a good Song Wars thing to do would be to do a song each which had a particularly unique vocal style.
We try and innovate a brand new vocal style.
What if we did the same song so that it's like a control, you know?
Mmm.
How would we do that?
Would it be a cover?
Yeah?
Yeah, so if we got if we got maybe a good idea karaoke backing track or something Yeah, that's good idea and what he does there as well in the Kings of Leon song is not only does he have a weird sort of Yippy way of singing he does stuff structurally and in terms of delivery.
That's quite weird as well doesn't it?
They're a good band.
They are good
They get slagged off for selling out all the time.
Not by me.
Not by me.
Not by me either.
There's a weird video of them on YouTube playing at Reading a few years back where apparently they just hacked off.
They're having a bad gig and they just throw the song.
Have you seen that Ben?
And they just play like an incredibly bad version of one of their songs deliberately.
and just sort of playing weird notes all over the place and singing out of tune.
At first I watched it and I couldn't figure out if someone had dubbed over it to make it sound deliberately bad or if it was them just being weird themselves.
It's quite perplexing.
I think you can find it if you search for Kings of Leon worst ever live performance or something.
So listen, that fascinating email you just read out Adam before the song from your young lady friend, we forgot to mention that that is the subject of this week's Text the Nation.
yeah and and it would be sort of messages that you have sent that you regret sending maybe really or or is it furious birthday birthday fury well yes it is now
Let's have a think about it.
We should play, let's play the jingle and we can have a think about it while we hear the jingle.
Okay, this is a new jingle.
It was sent in, the backing track was sent in I think by Chris Cairns, our old pal Chris Cairns here on the show.
I think he sent in stuff before.
And he sent a kind of Cuban version of the Textination jingle, which I, he invited me to sing over.
And I just played it to Joe and he was looking a bit worried and he said, oh, I think this might be racist at the top.
Have a listen and see what you think, listeners.
It's square confused, in case you haven't gathered that already, listeners.
We're not sure what accents are okay or not.
I mean, sometimes we do our very accurate Australian accents.
I checked that Australian accent this week.
I did a live gig at the BFI with some Australian people in the audience and I checked with them and they were fine.
They were fine, but they don't represent all Australians.
Some Australians might get annoyed.
I asked them if they did.
They said they did.
And so today we're testing the waters with the Cuban accent.
Yeah.
It starts out sounding faintly Jamaican is the problem there as well when I started doing it.
Yeah.
So that's more your problem than anyone else's.
That's true.
That's true.
Yeah.
But I think I rescued it when I did the grotesque kind of speedy Gonzales Mexican accent.
So the subject of Text the Nation is going to be birthday disasters.
Birthday fury, birthday disasters.
Get your stories coming in.
64046 is the text number.
The email is adamandjoeatbbc.co.uk.
Please send us things.
Yeah, we'd really like to hear from you.
And also later on, we're going to have retro text the nation.
Is that in the show or the podcast?
We do it in the live show.
Do we?
Well, yeah, do we?
Because generally, that's the way it works is that we don't get so many emails for the
Current text the nation's subject then they build up during the week and I'm gesticulating here and Joe's imitating my gesticulation gesticulation So yeah, and and the subject last week of course was incredibly broad.
I'm having trouble speaking It was what have you been doing
Wow, so I look forward to catching up with some of those anecdotes you sent in.
I've got, there are some good ones, I've got some good ones.
Yeah, I've got a couple of good ones as well.
Depending on what you mean, what one means by good.
But I'll tell you, the other thing that we had loads of this week was made-up jokes.
And I thought the standard was quite high.
Really?
That's disturbing.
I thought it was pretty good.
Doesn't bode well.
Can we have some after this next song?
Yes.
Come on, let's have some made-up jokes after this.
But right now, it's time for the strokes taken for a fool.
That is absolutely hat stand.
Kate Bush there from her 1982 album, The Dreaming.
What was she thinking?
Okay.
Thanks for joining us very much indeed on the six music morning show here at Sadam and Joe.
And we've got some laughs coming your way right now because it's time for our favourite feature and your favourite feature too, I think.
It's made up joke time.
Let's play the jingle.
I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party
yeah it's made up joke time here on the adam and joe show on bbc6 music i was making their show sound more fun there don't you think wow it was really good it was upbeat yeah it was sort of like um hospital radio for uh a really a hospital for really serious serious illnesses
Because it's the equal and opposite level of upbeatness.
My DJ references are all from around 15 or 20 years ago.
I love them.
Thank you very much.
So the idea of made-up jokes, listeners, right, is they must be jokes that you have made up.
Simple as that.
And we put them to the Tim Vine test.
Tim Vine doesn't know about this test.
They should be specially designed by Haha Architects.
Nice.
But you know, it's just a question of thinking about them and, you know, are they too obvious?
If they're too obvious, then the likelihood is they will have been cracked before.
We Google some of them.
We check them for cracks.
Not cracks again.
Do we check them for hairy cracks?
No!
I'll just tell you a joke that my son told me this week that he made up.
How old is your son?
He's six years old.
This is Natty's joke.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beano.
Beano who?
Beano we know.
That's good!
Oh, it's not finished yet?
No, that's it.
Oh, that is finished yet.
Excellent.
That's funny, because I wasn't expecting the wiener.
Well, exactly.
Well done, Natty.
That's the secret of comedy, a surprise.
Do you want to hear one more from Natty?
Yes, this is from Natty, yeah.
What did the worm say to the man when the man put earth on the worm's body?
I don't know.
Thank you, I'll just have a slither.
Oh that's nice because he's going to slither away.
Yeah.
And he doesn't want that much earth.
That's good.
It's not bad is it?
That's very very promising.
So here are some jokes made up by you listeners.
Now who done this one?
Bear with me.
This one is from Michael Singleton.
It says,
Hi Adam and Joe, here's my 100% made-up joke.
A man received an invitation to join a competition, the purpose of which was to find out which black American comedy actor owned the heaviest collection of objects made from elephant tusk.
Needless to say, he accepted.
That man was Keenan Ivory Wayans.
yes yes come on on ivory wayans yes now that's made up you see it's so convoluted yeah that it has to be made up well done michael that's very good michael um here is uh a little uh pair of peaches right now from let's see uh who's this from alex in norwich he says guys
Last winter, my friend Matt and I were stuck in a house in freezing Amsterdam, killing time by making up jokes.
We've been waiting over a year to send them on.
And it's been well worth the wait, as you will see.
Why is Sir Alec Guinness the only actor from Star Wars to get a knighthood?
Because only one can no be... Because only one can no be...
Because only one can OBE.
Yeah.
I mean, that's silly because that's not true.
You know, any number of people from Star Wars could have got an OBE.
Yeah, but they were in Amsterdam.
But that's pretty good.
Why is Sir Alec Guinness the only actor from Star Wars to get a knighthood?
Maybe they were overexcited.
And here's the other one.
The other day, I walked into a London pub to find Burt Reynolds puffing away on a cigar.
I cried out in disgust.
It's Smokey and they've banned it!
That's good.
That's good.
That's really good.
Who's that by?
Who's that by?
Alex and Norwich.
Superb.
Here's another sort of Star Wars-y one.
This is from Richard in the Forest of Dean.
What is Obi-Wan Kenobi's favorite fragrance?
Yoda toilette.
Nice.
Is that new?
Do you think that's been made up before?
It sounds too good.
It sounds very good.
It's a bit slick.
He's either a genius or a plagiarist.
Here's one from Gordon Cameron.
This is a conversational one.
Here's my made up joke.
I have Google vetted it and I'm confident it is original.
Says Gordon.
Hey!
I'm talking to you.
I like the conversation.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Did you know some people use feather-filled sheets as bedding?
I didn't know that.
You reply, duvet?
That's probably very old, isn't it?
Even as I say it out loud, that's probably very old.
Duvet, that must be old.
That must be old.
Oh, I should have figured that out.
Here's one from Jamie Rowland in Kent.
He says, this is a joke I made up about a year ago.
I was most pleased.
Why does Ronnie Corbett's wife get embarrassed when they go clothes shopping together?
Hey, this is good.
I like this one.
Because Ronnie always gets a little shirty.
Is that new as well?
I'm starting to feel that some of these might be old.
it's tough isn't it because some when when they get really good and they're really succinct and nicely done you sort of think they're not mangled you see what we'd really like listeners is for you to give send in your joke but also tell us the story about how you made it up the provenance yeah because the more information we have the more we can tell if you are lying
Got another one there?
Yeah, what did Michael Jackson use to say to his breakfast?
To see if it was cooked just right.
Michael Jackson's the backbone of any joke factory.
Eggy, are you yokey?
Are you yokey?
Are you yokey, Eggy?
I read that one.
That's Keith from Paisley.
Yeah, I read it and I thought the opposite.
Well, I went for a different one.
This is from Mark Brady from Chappleton.
Did you hear that Akira Kurosawa was planning on directing a film featuring Michael Jackson as an Egyptian sun god?
It was called Ra Shamong.
That's good.
That's sophisticated.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, I'm just reading my other ones.
We can have some more later on.
Shall we have some more later on?
Yeah, let's do some more because I've still got more.
Oh no, hang on, let me do one more because it's funny.
Tom from Durham.
Dear Adam and Joe, I've been telling this joke for a while.
I'm very proud of its simplicity and I think it works well.
I'd be very happy if it reached a wider audience.
Why did the puma get on well with other pumas?
He had a good sense of puma.
What?
You went for that one?
Come on, that's good.
It's good.
It's funny because nothing really happens.
Good sense of puma.
Yeah, it's funny.
Come on, it's funny.
Because it says puma three times.
I find that funny, Tom.
If you and I were in company, we'd be laughing.
Adam would be getting annoyed.
All right, here's a free play right now.
This is The Feelies, and they were around in the early 80s.
This is from their second album.
You know the film Something Wild, directed by Jonathan Demme?
Yeah, great film.
And there's a scene where they go to a school reunion, and there's a band playing on the stage there, and that band was the Feelies.
And they were playing covers of, I think, a Monkeys song and something else.
But anyway, this is them covering the Beatles track, She Said, She Said.
Enjoy!
That's the feelies with She Said, She Said.
You're listening to Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music on a Saturday morning.
Very nice to be with you listeners.
A bit of housekeeping we should do right now.
A few people have been asking us why we don't feature in the Six Music TV ad campaign and they were wondering if we had been excluded for any particular reason.
It was just bad luck.
We were invited to be in the campaign but we weren't around at that point.
Sadly, but I wonder if there's any way that we could be digitally added or something.
There is.
I mean, it would be expensive, George, but the way you do it is by digitally adding us.
Right, right, right.
That's how you digitally add things.
Do you think it's worth it?
Because I mean, I'm sure a lot of people are very angry that we're not in there.
They'd have to pull it.
Right.
They'd lose a lot of revenue because they probably paid money.
Maybe BBC internal market.
And then they'd have to digitally add us, which means they'd have to probably motion capture us.
So we'd probably have to be flown out to giant studios in Los Angeles.
You'd be motion captured.
That's the best studio, isn't it?
That's the number one studio.
And then they'd have to put us in there.
So it would be expensive, but it's doable.
Well, you know, we'd very much like that to happen.
So if anyone knows anyone, then can you sort it?
The other thing was that last week we were talking about the Wonderful Wonders of the Universe series and riffing on the contents therein.
And we were making references to Mr. Cox being called David.
I called professor Brian Cox David I've got a friend called David Cox and I I messed up the name slipped in my head and so I misnamed him just once during that link and then they they used that misnaming for the trail right they played that trail where I misnamed him over and over again so maybe they didn't notice that rubbing it in your face I got confused while you were talking about it I was like Brian Cox isn't he the actor or Ronnie Cox
But we were excited to get the following email from Chris Holt.
It says, dear Adam and Joe, it is with great sadness that I write this email.
I am the writer and director of the episode of Wonders of the Universe that you so mercilessly savaged on your show last week.
How dare you mock some of the most interesting and moving television that has been made in the past 10 years?
He probably would have liked you to have read that out, Adam, in a furious voice.
How dare you?
How dare you mock some of the most interesting and moving television that has been made in the past ten years, after slaving away in some of the most hostile, uncomfortable and freezing locations in the world to create wonders, and then to be savagely critiqued by two men you once held so dear, is the final and fatal stab in the heart.
Do you think it's easy working with the mop-topped professor?
Well do you?
Only kidding, chaps.
I heard it on the podcast on my way to work.
It was so funny, I nearly cried orange juice.
That's a nice expression that you haven't heard before.
Thanks a billion, billion, billion, billion, billion, billion, billion.
Chris Holt.
Wow.
That's so nice of you, Chris Holt.
Thank you very much.
And really sorry to call Mr. Cox, um, David.
Right the way through.
And our resident illustrator here at the Adam and Joe show, James Hood, has done a wonderful illustration of that nonsense parcel.
I hope James is going to be sort of illustrating the contents of the shows, or at least the highlights as he sees them, every week and that's something that you can see on the blog.
Is this image available on the blog?
Well it will be after this show.
The address for the blog incidentally is bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash adamandjoe.
Simple as that.
And has he made you look any more handsome this week?
He has.
I complained that he'd, you know, caricatured me in an unflattering way, which is possibly, you know, makes me like incredibly unfeasibly vain and pathetic.
But as a result, he has capitulated to my pathetic vaneness, and James has given me a chin.
Thanks!
Not only has he given you a chin, but he's made you like a hunky spaceman.
He's drawn us floating around in space.
Yeah, he's given me a six-pack, and a sort of a codpiece.
Whereas Count Buckules remains the same with the monobrow and the rotund face and he's rotated your head, I'd say sort of 45 degrees anti-clockwise.
He's actually made me look a little bit better than I do at the moment, I think.
um yeah and he's made you've got a better approach to this fantastic you're happy that he's made you look worse and i'm complaining about you know i know i'm caricatured yeah yeah i'm happy that he's made me look good like an actual person hey incidentally one more bit of um correspondence that came in after we were talking about something last week we were discussing the fact that i was worried self-conscious about waggling the petrol nozzle at the petrol station you know let me read this are you
Um, yeah, I thought this was an interesting observation.
The hot water bottle thing?
Yeah, from Neil Hilland.
I observed recently that when a lady fills a hole... No, no, no, no, listen.
What?
Just let's talk about this and then come back to it after the news.
Is that not appropriate?
Well, let's just have a little chat about it.
And then come back to it after the news.
I think he may be being euphemistic, and I think you don't... I know he is, but I thought it was sufficiently euphemistic, but now you've highlighted the euphemosity.
Listen, I had a bad experience with a hairy crack earlier in the show and I just don't want you to fall into the same trap.
You're allowed the hairy crack and I'm not allowed the water bottle.
Um, okay.
It's time for the news at 1130.
The Manic Street Preachers.
If you tolerate this, your children will be next.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.
Shall we have the textination jingle, Ben?
Just maybe.
Textination.
Text.
Text.
Text.
Textination.
What if I don't want to?
Textination.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text.
Yes.
Uh, it's text the nation time listeners.
The subject this week is birthday flip outs.
I call it flip outs because we've just got an email from Lindsay who describes it that way.
I haven't read the actual email, but her email heading is birthday flip outs.
That's a good way of describing it when you get furious on your birthday.
Yeah.
And it's a, you know, it's a very emotional time.
Do you still really love your birthday?
Look forward to your birthday.
Celebrate.
Yeah.
Quite like it.
Yeah.
I've kind of phased it out.
Really, what, the excitement?
The excitement, yeah, because my whole life is like a big long birthday.
Really?
Yeah.
I feel very lucky in many ways and so it just seems slightly meaningless to me to focus all on one day.
Good job, banal.
Thank you very much.
It's alright.
So listen, here are some of the communications we've had in about birthday flip-outs.
Tim Weissberg says, Good morning.
I've put disaster in quotation marks in the subject because at the time it was, but with hindsight, maybe not.
On my seventh birthday, we were playing musical statues.
The song was bad by Michael Jackson.
I had a plan to freeze in the classic Jacko pose of the Upwards Point when the song finished.
However, the referee, my dad, decided that I moved during a period of silence before the end of the song and eliminated me from the game, thus thwarting my brilliant plan.
Cue tantrum and a period of sulking in the kitchen while the party continued in the other room.
The thing that I like about that is I can picture him in the pose and so excited that he's done the Michael Jackson pose but then the finger waving and when your own dad betrays you in that way.
I mean what are you thinking about dad?
Dad was obviously striving too hard to be impartial wasn't he?
He was trying to teach his kid a life lesson but a birthday is not the day to be taught a life lesson.
Here's one from Laura in Sheffield.
It is ridiculous!
Why would you want to watch Thundercats over Henry's cat?
I mean, parents should understand that the child is in charge.
And if the birthday boy or girl wants to watch Henry's cat, then that is what should happen.
But it's difficult though because you're always... No, I don't think it is.
Do you not?
No.
I mean, what possible, you know, what could go wrong there?
On your birthday, it should be, everything should be just geared towards what you want.
Every whim should be indulged.
Is that what you're saying?
Even if everyone else is having an awful, awful, awful time.
I tend to get overexcited.
I think I may have told you this story before when I was playing past the parcel at a birthday party one time.
I must have been about six or something and we were passing this object round and round and it was a sort of, it turned out to be a, um, you know, telescope.
It's like a telescope thing.
Oh like a kaleidoscope.
And so it was quite heavy cylindrical object and I was getting really overexcited and the girl I was sitting next to was really nice adorable girl.
She was called Atalanta I think.
And so I at one point thought it would be funny if I when the parcel came round to me I said I grabbed it and in my mind playfully whacked her on the head with it.
And she started howling in pain.
crying and then her mother came over and yanked me out of the circle and ejected me from the party.
Quite right.
How was that?
I mean it was quite right of her.
Here's one from Robin Hastings.
I received a jumper from my aunt for my seventh birthday.
I threw it at her and then I had to go home.
I'm still angry 30 years later.
I mean, what possible interest does a seven-year-old boy have in knitwear?
Yeah.
Quite a lot of people haven't worked these things through yet.
I know.
There's still fury.
Here's another one from CJ in Edinburgh.
I had a birthday party at a swimming pool with slides and stuff when I was about 10, with food provided and everything.
Only one of my pals turned up.
Oh, mate.
I was gutted.
I cried most of the day.
These are sad.
How old is he?
Uh, he doesn't say.
Oh, 10.
No, 10.
10.
And how old is he now, I wonder?
Yeah, I don't know.
The worst thing is that he still remembers it, because you hope when you see these things happening to your own children, which they occasionally do, you sort of think, oh, they won't remember.
It's indelible.
It's indelible.
Life is like a big indelible pen.
Here's one from Trish in Bristol.
When I was seven, my mum organised a surprise party for me.
when everyone jumped out and shouted surprise i was so shocked i fell backwards and twisted my ankle and burst into tears i was really cross for the rest of the party was sent to my room to calm down while everyone else played past the parcel
This is exactly my problem with birthdays, though.
It puts too much pressure on everyone, and things just get out of control.
It's like New Year's, you know, forced celebrations like that.
I really... It's great.
I can't deal with.
It's a minefield.
Here's one from Stephen in Morecambe.
At my seventh birthday party, a friend decided to put a Mini Mars bar, unwrapped, into another friend's drink.
Yeah, good, good joke.
This friend then drank the whole drink in one and proceeded to choke on the Mini Mars bar.
It was funny to everybody, but my parents weren't too amused.
They performed the Heimlich maneuver to save him.
That's a good little practical gag for it.
Now that's a very, very bad thing to do.
You know, you shouldn't do that.
Don't throttle people with mini-treats.
Keep those coming in, though.
Your stories of birthday flip-outs or tantrums or disasters on your birthday.
64046 is the text number.
Email is adamandjoe at bbc.co.uk.
You got me a book!
Thanks a lot, Granny!
I hate you!
I swear to- I feel really sorry for people sometimes when they- when it's Christmas time and they're, you know, bringing presents.
My children are now old enough to know- But you know what?
Sorry to steamroll you there, but this is a show that some families listen to, right?
so listening right now there might be parents and children and maybe we can do them a service you know you're hearing these stories kids exactly adults work it out talk it through before the big birthday think about the other side yeah kids have sympathy for your parents it's not easy for them parents have sympathy for your tyrannical children you got me a shirt
All right, let's have some music right now.
This is The Pains of Being Pure at Heart.
Is that the name of the band?
That's a stupid name for a band, isn't it?
No, it's a brilliant name for a band.
And this is a track called Belong.
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart with Belong.
Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
Now, should I finish that little thing that I started just before the news there that Joe was worried about?
Up to you, mate.
I mean, this is all because it's in your mind.
You've got a filthy, filthy mind.
And Joe is worried about this being too fruity.
But we were just talking last week about the fact that when I am at the petrol station, I put the petrol in the tank, I waggle the pump afterwards to get all the drops out.
And it just seems to me to be like maybe too intimate a gesture.
And so I was saying that I get embarrassed about it sometimes.
But Neil Hillen wrote in and said, putting the other point of view, I observed recently that when a lady fills a hot water bottle, she'll wipe the wet nozzle if there's a tea towel nearby.
a gentleman will instinctively shake the end of the water bottle try it out with family and friends be careful of the be careful of the hot water lts what does that stand for laters yeah uh neil hillen what's the problem with that what's the problem with that
What's the problem with that?
It's no problem with that.
Why be it any different?
Problem freed any different.
Why, why it any different?
What's the problem?
I've done it different.
Now earlier on Adam you were talking about methodology for looking at ladies in the street.
Oglefun.
Oglefun if you're with a friend.
Ian Oglefun.
Yeah Ian Oglefun.
Yeah.
And this is when you're with maybe your lady partner or your man partner and a sexy person comes along.
You don't want to get busted looking at the sexy person.
Yeah.
And these are techniques for pulling that off.
And for what I was saying earlier on that, you know, sometimes I pretend I'm just looking at buildings.
And some of you clever listeners have sent us in your techniques for doing this.
Here's a text we got from Will.
Will?
on the train looking at attractive gents is easy using the reflection from the windows they just think you're looking at the view do you ever do that all the time and then it can be terrifying when their heads turn and they look at you in the reflection bongo
Because you're double court.
The reflected ogle.
Mmm, delightful.
Even ogle fun.
Here's one from an anonymous texter.
My method isn't to avoid the issue, but to tackle it full-on with a sense of overt masculine conviction.
Yeah, I was looking at her bottom.
And what?
Thus having a certain degree of control in the relationship.
Success rate is 50-50.
Here is one from Stephen Kirkham.
The key to avoiding summer problems is a good pair of sunglasses, but not just any pair.
They need to be mirrored so that your eyes cannot be seen through the lenses and wrap around so that even someone side-on to you can't see what you're looking at.
Or a popemobile.
That's just creepy.
Smokey glass.
Just a big... Yes.
Or what about an umbrella with a sheet over it and eye holes punched in it?
So you're just walking.
Because then you can get quite close.
And if you put some feather dusters through it, then you can actually sidle up to someone and tickle them.
Or what about wearing just one of those big giant character costumes?
This is getting quite unsettling.
That's what they do at Disneyland, isn't it?
They're all just staring.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Goofy's having a bit of being ogle fun.
Here's one from Stephen Hall.
I do a combination of the trajectory anticipation and the carry on staring.
But if I think I've been rumbled, I do a preemptive strike by saying something derogatory to my fiance about the lady that's passing by.
Example.
Ugh!
Why is she dressed like that at this time of the day?
It's a bad example to young girls.
That's exactly what I do.
That's good.
That's clever.
Crafty.
Look at her.
Our daughter is certainly not going to be showing off quite so much midriff and booby-section.
A midriff?
Sounds like a department store.
Midriff and booby-section will be closing in ten minutes.
So please make your way.
Oh dear.
Listen, here's another one from Eric in Bournemouth.
When I get caught looking at an attractive lady person before they, before, I'll start this again.
When I get caught looking at an, oh, I started it yet again, third time lucky.
Edit for the podcast, edit.
When I get caught looking at an attractive lady person before they say anything, I immediately ask them if they have a sister called Sue who went to college in Dublin in 2006 because she looks like her and we used to be great friends.
That can't possibly work.
I think it works, Eric in Bournemouth.
No, that's good.
That's just a naked come on chat up line.
Yeah, so and... It's ridiculous though, you'd get instantly busted.
And finally, here's a brilliant tactical approach from Ibrahim Shah.
He says, one of my favorite techniques to surreptitiously observe an attractive member of the opposite sex is to stand near them, openly stare slack jawed and let the drool flow freely.
This deceives them into thinking there's something else wrong with me.
They never suspect a thing.
That's it.
End of story.
Case closed.
Thank you very much for all those.
Is this your free choice then, Joe?
Yeah, what is this now?
Yorkston.
Oh yeah, this is James Yorkston.
He's a fence collective person and this is a very lovely song.
He collects fences.
Kind of thing, yeah.
This is called Summer Isn't The Same Without You from his album When The Ha Rolls In.
And what's a ha?
It's like a seamist, a Scottish seamist.
Was that what you were going to say when I interrupted you?
Well, no, no.
I was thinking of a ha ha, which is like a ditch.
Oh, yeah.
No, it's a seamist.
Anyway, this is James Yorkston.
This is lovely.
That's Buzzcocks.
With lipstick recorded for John Peel on the 18th of October 1978.
That track of course went on to mutate into shot by both sides by magazine didn't it I think.
Anyway this is element Joe here on BBC6 music and Joe you were away this week so you didn't see Jules Holland's show.
No later with Jules live cuz he's got two versions of the show right there's a set of live half-hour version and then a longer edited version I think that goes out later in the week I think that's how it works anyway he had a jazz combo on there the McCoy Tyner trio and he was very excited about the fact that the McCoy Tyner trio join us in their
to do a bit of duels.
So the trio were playing and they were like, you know, the main guy, I guess McCoy Tyner, I don't know much about them, I'm ashamed to say, was there on the piano and he was grooving away and getting really into it and they were doing their jazz thing.
And then after a couple of minutes, it felt as if maybe they should be winding up the track.
because there was still one track left to be played.
Elbow, I think, we're going to play the show out.
And this is live.
This is going out live.
Yeah.
And so they cut wide to Jules kind of stepping in there and shredding out his arms, getting ready to say, we can't decide.
But the McQuine and Simon trio, they were still playing.
You can't stop them when they start.
They were getting really into it.
And it kept on seeming like the song was winding up.
It would be like... And then he would just carry on.
I used to do that in my head.
Like do infinite songs.
Did you ever used to do that?
I used to do that in my head.
I used to have fun doing that.
And yeah, exactly doing little chord progressions that sounded like they were resolving.
But then... That's fun to do.
And Jules was completely flummoxed, so they would cut back to McCoy Tyler doing his thing, getting really into it, and then they had a few shots of, like, the drummer looking over and sort of going, we're not meant to be laughing this off face.
What happened?
They were cut back, but McCoy Tyler was just playing his piano, his eyes pretty much closed, he was absolutely not going to take any direction from the studio manager.
And you know, Jules is a jazz pianist himself, presumably he'd know how to deal with this.
I know but he was he was clearly so in awe of this guy he was really excited to have this jazz legend on the show that there was no question of him stepping in and just winding him up you know and so but it was obvious every single person in the studio was thinking he's got to stop now because the show is finishing and Elbow have got to play the song out and so eventually Jules Holland just had to start shouting over him saying
and the guy on the piano was sort of thinking hey what are you doing man i'm still jazzing what's going on here but he had been jazzing you know what i would have done what i mean the piano and the stool are probably on wheels just push them out either push them out or there's probably a proper jazz way to do it you know uh jules would have got his emergency uh piano interceptor out got his own piano
Well he could have started playing along and then someone should have pushed him next to the other piano Yeah, and then he could have sort of taken over the it's like a sort of some sort of war games type computer thing uh-huh he would have taken over the piano thing and then or he could have sidled up to him on the keyboard and just gone doodle-dee bonk
I had a similar thing the other day when I was doing a live show right and I was interviewing this director and we were interviewing him about his music videos but he was very keen to show a short film that he'd made
And we didn't really have that much time and we wanted to focus on the music videos.
We had a lot of other stuff to show, but he was really insistent.
So, so in the end, um, I sort of said, okay, well, I tell you what, and we were on stage at this point live, right?
And I had the short film on my, on my computer and he'd made me transferred across before the show, even though I had no intention of showing it.
And he said, um,
Well, let's just have a little bit.
Maybe you can play a clip."
So I was like, yeah, okay.
I'll play a little clip.
It's a great film, but unfortunately we don't have time to play much more than that.
So I'm just going to play the first minute or so.
How long was this short film?
It was eight and a half minutes or something.
So long enough.
And I just, as good as the film was, and it was terrific, it was a little on the serious side.
And, uh, and not to say pretentious, but, um, a little bit.
Um, and so I knew that the audience would just zone out a bit if I played the whole thing.
So anyway, I fire it off and as I'm playing it, he's saying, um, just let it run to the end of this scene when they're in the cafe.
Okay.
I was like, yeah, yeah, fine, fine.
I'm sorry.
I can't play the whole thing.
Um, he's like, oh no, that's okay.
And so then I reach across for the, for the stop button on my computer, right?
And he grabs my hand and he whispers in my head, no, no, no, no, no, don't stop it now.
Don't stop it now.
Let it play.
If you stop it now, won't make any sense.
Let it play to the end of the next scene.
And then, you know, the bit where they're in the forest, it'd be fine.
So that's another.
four minutes away.
We don't really have time.
I'm really sorry, but I, you know, we should really stop it.
We got to, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't stop it now.
It won't make any sense if you stop it now.
The audience will be confused.
So I let it run and then I'm reaching for the space bar again, after this has been playing for like six minutes, you know, and the audience is thinking, I thought you were just going to play one minute of it.
He reaches for my hand again.
And he goes, no, you may as well just let it play.
It's nearly finished.
There's another four minutes to go!
The upside to this is he's got a sexy voice.
Yeah, he does.
And he was a really nice guy as well.
I mean, I did feel bad not playing his thing, but we had made it clear, this is about your music videos, man, you multi-talented genius, you.
But in the end, like, the lights came up, the audience were just completely glazed.
But he got his short film in there.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
This is the end of the short film.
I should have just leapt in there.
Wonderful short film, wonderful, very potential short film.
Thank you very much to my guest director tonight.
Anyway, um, okay.
We're going to do retro text the nation, I think very shortly.
Aren't we?
Yes, we are.
Check out some of the messages that have been coming in during the week for last week's text the nation subject, which was what have you been doing right now?
Here is the mighty fleet foxes from their new album.
This is battery Kinsey.
Fleet Foxes with Battery Kinsey from their forthcoming LP, Helplessness Blues, out in May.
I forgot to say that one of the things the director said to me while he was whispering to me was, you're very uptight about time, aren't you?
That's deep.
Wow, you got philosophically bullied.
I really did.
And I'm very uptight about time.
A little bit of existential undermining.
I am now, because your film's going on for another eight minutes!
Anyway.
But man you are uptight about time.
I am a little bit.
I've noticed.
I know.
Loosen up.
Mainly that it's running out.
Retro text the nation.
We got this email this week.
Elliot Line sent us this.
Hi Adam and Joe.
Hey hey hey hey.
Is this retro text the nation?
No no no I'm putting the jingling context.
Oh good man.
Um, my three-year-old daughter Alyssa Mayline loves the retrotextination jingle and wanted to record her own version.
She can't read yet, so she had to learn the lyrics first.
I never know whether she'll say bin or trash, but on this occasion, she plumped for trash.
Please use it as you see fit.
Well, it was charming, I thought, so we certainly will use it.
Here is the remarkably talented for three years old Alyssa Mayline singing the retrotextination jingle.
I listen to Alan J but I listen to the podcast, not the live show.
I used to feel the cute frustration but I couldn't join in with Text-A-Nation.
Wow, that's very, very good.
You know, the thing about that is she's really hitting it rhythmically there.
Yeah.
That's extremely sophisticated.
We may have a prodigy on our hands.
Right, right.
We were talking earlier about maybe doing a song wars with cool ways of, you know, unique ways of delivering a song.
She's got her style worked out there.
How long is it before, I mean, we've got the Smith children, Willow and Jayden.
They must be what, 10, 11?
How long is it before we have a three or four year old in the charge?
She's ready, man.
I would buy I would buy a single by Alyssa.
We were talking about having a unique voice that's instantly recognizable.
There is one.
Absolutely.
And you know, it's going to be a shame when she gets too sophisticated and start hitting all the right bits of rhythm.
She'll be over the hill by four.
I know.
I like to early start.
Where's she got to be for?
So yeah, we were talking about what you've been up to in the last 15 months since we've been off the air.
We only got back last week, of course.
And thank you very much for getting in touch with some of your messages in the week.
What's she called the singing girl?
Alyssa May Line.
Alyssa, you're talented.
Thank you so much for sending that in.
And thanks Elliot for sending that in.
Really appreciate it.
Here's a message, an email that was sent in by John Chalton in Timpoli.
So the subject was just, how are you doing?
What's been going on?
Yeah, what have you been up to?
Yeah.
We had a variety of responses, but this one was a fairly specific observation about something that happened.
I was on a very busy train from Bristol to Manchester and every seat was full.
I saw a young woman with a great big suitcase on the seat next to her.
She hadn't paid for the seat, so I asked if I could sit there instead.
She tutted and put the suitcase in the leg room in front of her, allowing her very little actual leg room.
As we pulled into Birmingham and people were getting up to leave the train, the woman suggested, shouldn't one of us move so I can have more room?
I stood up to allow her to get past, but she didn't move.
She meant could I move.
So I stood there like a wally for about a minute or so before I took a seat across the aisle.
As I looked back at the woman, I saw an enormous whale-like man park his derriere in the seat that I had vacated
I caught her eye and gave her a smug grin and a knowing nod.
At the exact same time, I got double cramp in my calf and hamstring.
I managed to internalize my screams of pain, but I felt the balance of the universe was the overall winner in the sorry situation.
You travel on trains a lot, don't you?
So you like a good train politic story?
Sure, I do.
I really do.
I mean, my ways of avoiding those kinds of situations are I only really travel at very specific times now.
I only go so uptight about time.
You're very uptight about time.
Um, so yeah, I know I, I can completely sympathize at those moments when you can't avoid being on a packed train and stuff like that happens.
I spent the whole journey with just a flutter and my, a flutter of anxiety trying to hold onto my seat and make sure no one sits in my seat next to me or I've got as much room as I possibly can and there's no one opposite me making a phone call, really loud phone call because that would ruin my journey.
I want to do a radio show with that French director.
He's much more relaxed about things than you are.
And I hear his short film's really good.
It is good.
I never said it wasn't.
Here's one from Hannah, who's listening in Japan.
The highlight of her 15 months is as follows.
A slightly sozzled and rakish Bill Nye mistook me for an old friend in the biscuits section of Fortnum & Mason's.
Now that's pretty good, isn't it?
To be mistakenly spotted by a famous person.
Yeah, we're talking the highlight of a 15 month period.
That's a good one, don't you think?
Bill Nye coming up to you and in the biscuit section of Fortnum and Nathan.
The biscuit section.
Why are you saying it like that?
I don't know.
I'm trying to give it extra emphasis to make it worthy of being read out.
Is that how you give emphasis?
Leave me alone.
Start talking like that.
Yes.
People sit up and listen when you talk like that.
That's a good one.
Thanks, mate.
Um, what would you try if someone did that to you, if Nye came up to you, right, and started mistakenly, would you take advantage of it and then say, hey, listen, while we're chatting, let's get to know each other.
Do you fancy going over to the biscuit section and because no, because then he would say, no, that's okay.
I've got to go and see Tilda Swinton later on.
I'm a bit tooty.
Got to go to the Tilda Swinton section.
Here's one from Daniel Swindlehurst.
Not entirely dissimilar.
Dear Adam and Joe, a few months ago I was walking down the high street when I saw Kofi Annan.
I was walking?
down the high street when I saw Kofi Annan he was walking towards me carrying a co-op carrier bag he was carrying a co-op carrier bag at first I thought it was Morgan Freeman but I quickly realized I quickly realized it was the former UN Secretary General
Do you think Morgan Freeman has that a lot?
Yeah.
My god, it's Kofi Annan.
Oh, no way.
It's just the sonorous voiced actor man.
I nodded to him.
Kofi nodded back.
I should point out that I live in Geneva and co-op is quite a high class supermarket over here.
I don't think it's got anything to do with the British one.
Love you.
Bye.
Kisses and hugs from Daniel Swindlehurst.
What a story.
Not to suggest that the British co-op is any way down marking that.
No, exactly.
It's a very, very, very good store.
It's thoroughly- Distributes its profits in a very equitable manner.
That's right.
Have you got any more there?
Yeah, I've got more here.
Hit me.
Here we go.
Here's a good one from Sam Hawkins.
When I was walking, I felt a tickling sensation in my ear.
It was the end of a cotton bud that had come off in my ear.
It was black and gross.
It fell out on a street corner.
I just stood and looked at it in the gutter.
I felt sick.
Also, on returning to university after my Christmas, some of my sister's pants were stuck to my jumper.
I didn't realise until I was on the tube, oh dear.
Say that again, some of my... What an email!
of my sister's pants!
I'm gonna read the whole thing again.
When I was walking, I felt a tickling sensation in my ear.
It was the end of a cotton bud that had come off in my ear.
It was black and gross.
It fell out on a street corner.
I just stood and looked at it in the gutter.
I felt sick.
Also, on returning to university after Christmas summer, my sister's pants was ducked in my jumper.
I didn't realize until I was on the tube.
Oh dear.
Does he mean like a section of the pants?
No, just a pair of pants.
I suppose static electricity... Well, some of... They got stuck.
No, some of my sisters... Well, she has more than one pair of pants.
He's got more than one pair of pants stuck to his jumper?
No, some of... It is slightly weirdly written, but no, it's just one pair of pants out of many pairs of pants.
So he doesn't just mean like the gusset was stuck to his... No, he doesn't mean that.
But it's been a tough year for Sam Hawkins, so well done, mate.
I can just picture him standing on that street corner looking down at this little black cotton blood being... And little does he know that on his back simultaneously is a pair of pants.
Goodness knows what else is going to be coming out of his body.
Have you got any more?
Yeah, sure.
I've got a very concise one.
Actually, no, I'll leave that one.
There's Beth from Oxford says, dear Dr. Buckles and Professor Cornball's proper titles.
We're getting there, thank you.
It's not exactly a whimsical anecdote, but in the past 15 months, I've got married and become an auntie.
My niece will have her first birthday in the summer.
My husband has decided that we should start growing our own food and we're rapidly starting to resemble Tom and Barbara from The Good Life, Beth from Oxford.
wow that's a good one i thought it was just functional yeah it was nice you know pleasant exactly things are going along nicely for for beth from oxford and heather is even more concise she says my daughter went from 14 months to 29 months old heather we've got to drum up more of these for the podcast have we
We usually read out more in the... oh no, that was the old days.
That's the olden days, yeah, when it was a podcast-only feature, because we're not allowed to have all that extra content.
Of course, of course, of course.
Although we do have some extra content in the podcast, and that's why you should download it.
And thanks to everyone who downloaded it and propelled it to number one in the iTunes podcast, John!
Woohoo!
That must have been very exciting.
I mean it was exciting for me but you were particularly excited.
Do you know what my excitement was tempered by?
The fact that iTunes now organises their charts in such an elaborate way because there are so many different types of podcasts that the first podcast list that you see when you pop up on the podcast charts is something different and all you can see is Ricky Gervais' name all over it.
You have to navigate to the audio only podcast chart in order to see us reigning supreme.
Maybe you should start a campaign to
Get iTunes to redesign their front page.
I would love to I mean, they've very nicely got an ad for us on there.
So That's nice.
And thanks to everyone who downloaded don't forget.
You can download this podcast Will it be tomorrow Ben or will it be Monday tomorrow?
You can download the podcast of this program
Yeah, and thank you to everybody who obviously texted and emailed, no not texted, emailed during the week with their retro text the nations.
Remember, if you've got something to contribute to this week's text the nation theme, you can do so even after the show is finished.
Disastrous birthdays.
By emailing adamandjoe at bbc.co.uk and maybe your email will be read out in next week's retro text the nation.
One of the people that got in touch or communicated about this show last week was Thomas Dolby, the musical genius man.
huge fans of Thomas Dolby and have been since we were tiny little nippers yeah we got the chance to go and fool around at his house once in shingle street years ago we did a episode of vinyl justice with Thomas when we went through his record collection and ponced about and he tweeted about the fact he remembered that we had done that when I was very excited to be tweeted by mr. Dolby amazing so if you're listening Thomas we love you man and sorry to play like one of your really old tracks but it's a goodie here's she blinded me with science
My head is full of fudge!
Talk Talk by Talk Talk there.
And this is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.
It's the news coming up, isn't it?
Yeah, in a little bit.
Yeah, so we've got to talk for like a minute.
Well, maybe you could help me.
I've been noticing that I'm not doing well at dinner parties recently.
Oh dear.
Especially because it's such a politically turbulent time, you know?
Right.
And because talk of revolutions tends to dominate the table,
And I don't feel that my opinions necessarily, you know, stand out.
Are being taken seriously?
Well, no, I just, I don't hold them as strongly and I don't feel as well informed as some of the other people at the table because I've got pretty high-powered dinner guests, you know.
Right.
So what I do is I wait for a little gap and then I introduce one of my own little topics to try and steer things in a more bucculese direction.
For example, here was my last conversational gambit at a dinner party.
that went badly.
It was, and I swear this is true.
Can you give us an idea of the kind of conversation that was happening before you introduced this?
Yeah, I mean, it was, you know, it was Gaddafi and Libya, right, right misery, you know, and then I step in thinking we need to lighten things up a little bit here and just make them a bit more fun and inclusive.
So I went, is it my imagination, and this is something I genuinely was thinking, is it my imagination or are carrots getting a lot fatter this year?
Like in a supermarket, has anyone noticed that?
Like a much fatter carrots you're getting.
That's the wonder stuff with Caught in My Shadow.
Saturday afternoon here on BBC 6 Music.
It's Adam and Joe.
It's a lovely sunny day.
Good one.
The weather's getting warm.
It's not quite shorts weather yet, I don't think.
I think it would be a little bit previous to go, you know, short, don't you think, Ben?
Shorties.
Yeah.
I've been out of the country for the past week, but has it been very hot here?
It's been really nice.
But properly hot, 70s, 80s?
No, not boiling boiling, but just much warmer than... Shorty, have people been... I mean, they have, because you've discussed looking at bits and bobs in the street.
Yeah, no, the clothes have been getting most scant and shorts have been coming out.
I tried it one morning, but then I gave up by midday.
Did you?
You're a short wearer.
You know, it's going to happen.
Certainly I'll be back in shorts in a bit, but still.
Only early April.
Shall we do some more text-the-nations?
I want to talk about the weather a lot more.
No, I'm joking.
Yeah, let's have the jingle.
Text-the-nation.
Text-text-text.
Text-the-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-the-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
So we're talking about birthday flip-outs.
Sorry, mate.
No, I was just going to say, maybe we should, because we, people would send in their versions of the Texanation jingle, like maybe create a new backing bed.
We had one earlier on the show.
We'd still very much encourage that if you're musically minded.
Send us in a new Texanation jingle bed.
A cover.
A cover of that jingle.
Well, they can either, no, they can either do a completely new cover or like a new bed that I can sing over and go mental.
Right, right.
Anything.
anything anything do anything you're so uptight about time you're very uptight about time Adam okay what have you got there we've got some uh good stories we're talking about birthday flip-outs on text the nation this week furious tantrums at your birthday here's one from shan
My parents used to use, well, have I said that wrong?
Like French for dog.
Oh, I was like from the show.
Uh, my parents used to use birthdays and Christmases.
Are you finished?
my parents used to use birthdays and christmases as an excuse to buy us things that we needed anyway so this is already a recipe for disaster foolish parents one year my main present from them was a brand new pair of school shoes i was so incensed that i threw them into the fish pond
The shoes not my parents and was made to get them out by myself and scrub them clean quite right now you would do that Would you you would punish the child for throwing the shoes in the pond on the birthday?
Yes, even on the birthday for disrespecting something like that's good money You could stand by and watch your child scrub clean a pair of shoes on their birthday I Would not have given them what about delaying the punishment till after the birthday I
No, but I don't know.
It's a tough one.
But I would not have given them school shoes on their birthday.
How about this?
You have a birthday, what about you have a death day?
So you anticipate the time in life when you will die and you designate one day of the year and on that day of the year you're allowed to punish and bring misery upon your child.
Yeah, yeah.
Is that an upbeat idea?
That's a fun idea.
We discussed death days before, I think, didn't we?
Have we?
Yeah, I'm sure, because it's an engaging concept that one day of the year, whether you know it or not, is your death day.
And so it would be fun to have a little party.
Have a little sort of misery party.
Yeah.
A gloom day.
And just, you've got license to moan the whole day.
Have a wake.
A premature wake.
Here's another one.
This is a good one.
This is from Robin Birmingham.
At my seventh birthday party, my sister instigated a game of Simon Says.
As I walked into the room midway through the game, my sister suddenly said, Simon Says touch rubber on the head!
Instead of touching my head, a girl called Louise kissed me.
Everybody laughed.
This was too much for me to take.
I burst into tears, walked up to my sister and punched her in the face.
Soon after, my parents pulled the plug on the celebrations.
Robin Birmingham, lamp!
I mean, it's nice to reply, you know, it's just an amazing love triangle there.
The Simon says, come on from the sister, the kiss from Louise, the punch of the sister, bang, bang, bang, party over.
It says quite a lot don't you think?
Yeah it's hard to remember that that mindset though when you're you're such a little ball of emotions that you can't properly express.
And the kiss I mean that just blew the stack.
Sure.
Here's another one from Matthew in Croydon on my sixth birthday and it's interesting all these happen around the sixth or seventh year.
That's when you start getting sort of properly aware of the world around you start empathizing a bit more.
On my sixth birthday, I got a plastic golf set.
My cousin selected a three wood and took a swing, catching me full in the mouth.
Now here's the interesting thing.
I was instructed not to cry as, quote, if you cry on your birthday, you will cry every day of the year.
So I was stood in the garden in front of my, yeah, yeah.
Well just let me finish the thing first.
So I was, so I was stood in the garden in front of my whole party, trying desperately not to cry a stiff upper lip, but a quivering bottom one.
The pressure was too great.
I burst into tears.
Uh, there we go.
So he was commanded, this is obviously an old sort of a wives tale thing.
If you cry on your birthday, you'll cry for every day of the year.
Have you heard that before?
No.
That's a tough one.
His dad is saying that to him though.
Yeah.
Son, if you cry on your birthday, you're going to cry every day of the year.
You're going to be a crying girly man.
Is that what you want?
Is that a good tactic though?
That's no good.
Terrible business.
And finally... What I say is, sorry, with crying, because you do have to regulate the crying sometimes.
Sometimes there's crying over, you know, the telly's being switched off or whatever.
And then I say, you don't cry about the telly being switched off.
Crying is a valuable thing.
You've got to save it for when things get really bad.
That's good logic.
Like when I, you know, if you break, here's the when you're allowed to cry, when you break something, one of your limbs, or if someone is really unbelievably horrible to you, if you're in a sort of gossip girl type situation.
Do you think it's healthy to encourage children to control their crying?
To, yeah, to have some kind of... Because you're telling them to repress emotion.
Is that healthy?
Yeah, well, no, I'm telling them to filter the emotions, to consider the nature of the emotions.
Is that healthy?
Yes.
No, it's not.
You're a bad father.
Final text.
Tom from Reading.
At my ninth birthday party, I was bored and thought it would be funny to give smarties to my cousin Will.
It was well known in my family that food colouring and fizzy pop made Will hyper.
He went nuts.
He picked up a brick, smashed it through the patio window, claiming, Smarties make me naughty.
I got sent to my room for the rest of the day.
So wait, he fed the Smarties?
Yeah.
Thought it would be funny to give Smarties to my cousin Will.
Well-known food colouring fizzy pop made Will hyper.
Went nuts.
Picked up brick.
Brick through patio window.
Quote, Smarties make me naughty.
Will is getting away with murder.
Smarties make me naughty!
What do you want?
I had to!
Had to do this!
Marty's made me naughty!
Shut up!
Now that's a party.
Okay, here's Yuck.
And... get away.
That's Yuck with Get Away.
This is BBC6 music.
Adam and Joe here.
Stay tuned because at one o'clock today you're going to be joined by Liz Kershaw.
Liz is in the house and she's going to be talking to Killing Joke frontman Jazz Coleman, the jazz man, the jazz expert.
He's going to be in here sharing his fantasy party music choices with Liz.
That's coming up in her show so don't miss it.
If you miss it you're going to be very depressed.
For the rest of the day, you might even, uh, consider doing something terrible and, uh, nobody wants to see that happen.
So for goodness sake, stay tuned.
1 PM Liz Kershaw here on BBC six music with jazz Coleman jazz, jazz, the bringer of jazz, the jazz man from killing joke, very serious.
jazz expert he's gonna be here that's not true he's not a jazz expert but he is serious actually he might be he's multi-talented he can turn his hand from classical music to all of the other music and anything he likes and it'll turn out good
How do you think that sentence went?
It was good.
You made that link very very easy for me.
So here's a free plate.
Is it hot enough?
How hot is it out there?
It's air conditioned in this studio so we can't really tell.
Is it warming up good?
Do you think?
Does anybody know?
We don't really know.
Yeah, we assume it is.
So here's a song that you're only allowed to play when it gets pretty hot.
This is a, I was going to pick this one.
Well, I did it.
Yeah.
You know, shall I tell you a little backstory to this?
Say what it is first.
It's Summer Madness by Cool and the Gang.
And this of course forms the original.
This is the sample of Will Smith's Summertime.
And the, don't forget the Jazzy Jeff Man.
Who could forget Jazzy Jeff Man?
picked this song out when I filled in for Jonathan Ross with Lisa Tarbuck last year on the radio and Paul Weller was one of the guests.
He came in and I thought, Oh, what the heck am I going to say to Paul Weller?
Oh, this is when you tried your Paul Weller joke.
All right.
Yeah.
What was your joke?
Weller, Weller, Weller, wasn't it?
Exactly.
Saying to him, do people ever say to you, Paul Weller, Weller, Weller, tell me more.
Tell me more.
And it didn't go down very well, did it?
Yeah, he hated it.
But one of the things, like I did so much research on the guy, cause I don't really know much about Paul Weller's music.
It's a bit of a gap in my music knowledge.
And I did so much research, bought his albums, listened to his albums, read interviews with him, knew that he was a fan of this kind of music.
So I deliberately brought in Summer Madness by Cool and the Gang to try and curry some favor.
And he liked the track.
He's like, Oh yeah, Summer Madness.
Yeah, it's great.
Yeah.
And so I thought, yeah, this is all going well.
And that's the reason I unleashed my Paul Weller, Weller, Weller ooh joke.
So this now has a bad, a bad stink.
All I'm going to be able to think about is Paul Weller's beady little bird eyes boring into my soul and him trying to restrain himself from punching me in my stupid fat face.
Well, that's a nice image to think about while we listen to the song, his crew and the gang, Summer Madness.
We were going to say the same thing there, so I just backpedaled out of it.
By the ultrasonical thing?
Yeah, I just said ultra... Because I thought it'd sound silly if we both said it.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's pretty much it for our show this week.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening.
Really appreciate it.
Yeah, don't forget you can listen live via the BBC iPlayer to the whole thing if you're mad or if you're a tiny bit less mad you can download the podcast which will be available tomorrow evening or something like that or is it Monday mornings now?
Tomorrow evening.
Here's a reason why you would want to listen to the whole thing again, right?
And this is a situation that many people find themselves in, especially if they're family people.
They have lots of children buzzing around, people coming and going, that kind of thing.
It's a sociable Saturday morning maybe.
And they don't get to listen.
They listen to little bits of the programme.
are very uptight about time why don't you relax a little bit a tick tock tick tock don't worry life isn't ending you know you can download the pod you can you can listen again later on so don't be so uptight about time okay so that's what i'm saying is that if you were distracted um in portions of this program and you'd like to listen again it's easily done just go on the iPlayer it's not a big problem
Do it there.
And have you been on the iPlayer recently, Joe?
Yeah, well I was on the iPlayer to watch Professor Brian Cox's program.
Of course, yeah.
Are they not renaming the iPlayer soon?
Are they?
They're calling it something like... Oh, like Splotch or something, or Screenwaz.
Yeah, something like that.
I think Screenwaz is...
That's exactly what they're going to call it.
Total telly.
No, it's something special, isn't it?
And it's like, aren't they merging them all?
All the channels, all the channels are coming together to do like, to destroy themselves by making television irrelevant.
Aggregated distraction plan.
Good plan.
Great plan, TV channels.
Oh, telly.
It's dead.
It's absolutely dead.
I don't watch telly anymore.
So, what was my point?
Yeah, it's on the iPlayer.
Some people have reacted quite angrily to Cool and the Gang with Summer Madness.
Why?
What a terrible and boring song, says somebody.
It's like a cross between lift music, shopping channel music, and adult entertainment music.
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Matt's having a bad Saturday.
What's Matt asking?
What he's listening to?
This is the thing.
If people criticize, they have to put underneath what they would rather hear.
And then we can judge them.
Matt's punishment is he had to listen to it and now it's put him in a bad mood.
Sorry, Matt.
But you're ignorant.
That's a good song.
So on that upbeat note, on that friendly note.
Targeting a listener.
Sorry you didn't like that song.
I love you.
I love you.
We're going to play one more track now from the Go team.
They're in a kitchen.
They got pots and pans.
They're banging them together as usual.
This is Apollo Throwdown.
But first, thanks to everybody who texted and emailed during the show.
Thanks for listening.
And we'll see you the same time next week.
We'll be back then.
Yeah.