The Adam and Joe Archive - adam_and_joe_20110402_bad

Today from 2 I'm in a cave with Nick Caine.

G'day mate.

From midday I'm on like a terrible phone line.

But now it's Adam and Jo.

This is the voice of the big British castle.

Adam and Jo are back on your digigram.

They've been bouncing round and round outside the castle walls.

That's Morrissey there with the Smiths and this charming man.

And this charming man is Adam Buxton.

I can't speak for Joe.

I don't think he's in any way charming.

I'm not charming, no.

But my name's Joe.

Hello, listeners.

Welcome to Saturday morning here on BBC Six Music.

We're Adam and Joe, and we're back.

We've been away for a very long time.

I've found a new way of speaking.

Yeah, you've got a weird chesticle infection.

Yeah, I've got problems with my chesticles.

Are both your chesticles infected?

I think they might.

They're looking particularly withered.

Yeah, they are, aren't they?

They're feeling very gluey and hanging quite low.

But the good thing about it is that I now sound like Chuck Bass.

Do you think there are doctors that could diagnose you purely on the basis of your voice?

Oh, I wonder if they could.

Well, if there's anyone out there listening... If there's a chess doctor listening, I mean really good chess doctors probably can, because they usually listen through a stethoscope, but over the years you don't need the stethoscope, your hearing develops.

What about a chess doctor?

Would they be any good?

Right, like the game of chess.

Yeah!

It depends if you've swallowed a pawn.

Right.

I have done over the years.

A couple of pawns.

So yeah, it's lovely to be back with you listeners.

We've really missed you.

We should thank the fantastic DJs who filled in for us as well, shouldn't we?

Well, no, that's even kind of a tiny bit patronising filled in for us.

Yeah, because they've been sort of on Six Music longer than we have, more or less.

Andrew Collins.

They've crushed us with their superior DJing skills.

And the mighty rich, yeah.

And thank you so much to both of you for being here.

Yeah, and sorry to anybody who resents us returning.

Yeah, that's true.

Because, you know, we understand that they've got a loyal following now that we are coming in and whittling all over with.

But do you know what?

We've got, not only do we have quite a lot of following, we've actually got a sort of military sleeper cell.

Do you remember?

Yeah, of course.

And we might awaken that military sleeper cell in the next link.

You know, I mean, you can't help noticing that the world has gone slightly awry.

since we've been away, and that's because the squadron, I think, have been dormant.

But we're going to wake them up, and we're not going to pussyfoot.

We're not going to soft pedal.

We are going to introduce and unveil a quite hardcore squadron command that's going to be a bit like getting up at 3.30 in the morning and jumping into a freezing cold lake.

Do you know what I mean?

Short, sharp shock.

Shock to the system.

In at the deep end.

Like it.

So stand by if you're a squadron member.

You're about to be reawakened.

But first, we're going to play some more music.

We're going to ease ourselves slowly into this show, right?

I mean, it's the first time back I've hardly seen Joe in the last year or something.

He's been away.

Hiding behind a pillar.

He's been hiding behind a pillar.

I've been working with Jennifer Aniston a great deal on a lot of her new movies.

Hiding behind a pillar.

And what, a pillow or an actual pillar?

Um, so yeah, you know, we're just going to take it easy and relax.

So I hope you're ready for a nice, relaxed show.

Here's Vampire Weekend.

They're giving up the gun.

Good.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour.

Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning.

That's the secret of the squadron's power.

Boy, that jingle's beginning to sound a little dated.

Do you think I think it's the latest up-to-date grime sounds of the streets?

Do you reckon?

And also, I feel as if I don't really fit into that Black Squadron category.

I didn't go to bed at a reasonable hour last night, you know.

I mean, I was all keyed up and ready for the show.

Which time did you go to bed?

Well, about 12.30.

Really?

Yeah, that's dangerous.

It's pretty late, isn't it?

Sexy.

It is a little bit sexy.

I mean, it's naughty.

Sure it is.

I was going to go to bed at around 10.

I thought, I won't go to bed any later than 10.

And I'll have one glass of wine, and I'll write my notes for the show tomorrow, and I'll do a couple of jingles for the podcast, and then I'll go to bed after this glass of wine.

One bottle later.

I'm looking forward to hearing the boozy jingles.

Yeah, I did a really boozy.

The boozy chest infection jingles.

I did a really boozy jingle, which I'll play you later on because it's just boozy jingles.

That's the name of the Daily Telegraph's theatre correspondent, isn't it?

That's the gossip correspondent.

The gossip correspondent, of course.

Boozy jingles.

How do you like my new laugh?

I'm like Muttley.

That's good.

That's exciting.

It's exciting having a chest infection.

It's like a new you.

You know, Women's magazine should do big spreads about chest infections, you know, and how you can reinvent yourself.

Big chest spreads.

Yeah.

I think that's a great idea.

Actually, those are different women's magazines.

We were in a women's magazine, man.

My wife's happiest moment.

Not a women's magazine.

The women's magazine.

She came over to me with a big grin on her face and she was looking all proud as if I'd just won a knighthood.

And she presented her latest copy of Grazia to me and opened it up to the relevant page and there our stupid faces were.

Number two in their list of things to get excited about.

I thought we'd insulted Grazia quite roundly in our song wars.

We never miss an opportunity to insult Grazia.

They love it.

And their lady brain rotting ill.

Well, we're very flattered and God bless them.

Listen, it's time for a Black Squadron command.

Do you think we need to explain what Black Squadron is?

I don't think we do.

No, I mean, they're an elite listening force.

In the jingle it explained, these are the people that joined the show early, you know?

Especially in the first half hour.

Because people, especially on a Saturday, the stragglers might get up later after a night of boozing and then join the show maybe around 11 or even midday.

But Black Squadron are there from 10am until 10.30 when they can stand down and have a toffee.

Right.

That's an exciting incentive.

But we're going to give Black Squadron a command, and the command is going to be three or four words.

It's a simple instruction.

What you have to do is then take a photograph of yourself executing the command.

Right?

And then you have to send us that photo.

You can email it to adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

That's Adam A.N.D.

Jo.

Yeah?

Not an ampersand.

Or you can text us on 64046, and it's a sort of a photo race.

Sure it is.

Like, we judge the photos on the basis of speed and quality, and the best ones will go up on our website.

And remember, by sending us the photo, you abandon all rights.

All legal rights.

All legal rights to that photo that can be used by the BBC for anything.

We might publish a... We might publish.

We're my publish.

A really bad book of all the photos with them inside.

So that's what might happen.

Or we might just spend lots of our own personal money plastering it over buses with a giant word idiot hole on it.

We're well within our rights.

Legal rights, exactly.

Also, the other thing I should tell you, listeners, while Joe isn't listening, is that he gets very competitive and upset if the number of photos that come in isn't up to scratch, right?

So the record, I think, is around 150 photos for a Black Squadron command.

And if the numbers are straggling, if it's like in the 50s or something, Joe gets very moved.

But this is a tough command.

I mean, this isn't an easy command.

This is in at the deep end.

So that's asking a lot.

Sure.

But that's what you're like, huh?

Go on then, Chris Searle.

OK, here we go.

So we're going to give you the command and immediately a record is going to kick in that's your free player.

Yeah, I'm going to play you a bit of an instrumental smash from the Ninja Tunes remix album that came out on their 20th anniversary double CD, which I highly recommend last year.

And it's by Two Fingers.

It's called Fool's Rhythm.

And I hope you'll enjoy it and groove around in a sexy, modernistic way when you hear it.

Okay, Standby Black Squadron, here comes your command.

The text number is 64046.

The email adamandjo.6musicapbbc.co.uk.

The command is... Leaning Tower of Stuff!

That's George Clinton with his atomic dog.

It's a very dangerous kind of a dog.

There used to be a dog around this studio, didn't there?

Do you remember at all?

Yes.

His part of him was atomic.

The back part of him.

was atomic and he was very dangerous.

I haven't seen that dog for a long time.

No, I forget its name, but yeah.

Listen, thank you.

Well done, Black Squadron.

What an extraordinary response to the command, showing that they weren't dormant at all.

They were poised.

They were just waiting for the right orders.

Yeah, we've been inundated with photos of leaning towers of stuff.

And you know what?

I don't think I want to talk about any of them yet because I have to do a little bit more sifting and processing.

Sure.

Let's just say while we're on the subject of Black Squadron that you can check out an amazing new Black Squadron logo that's been designed for us by James Hood.

He's an illustrator who got in touch with me a few weeks back and I looked on his website, thought his stuff was brilliant.

So he, I hope, is going to do a few more drawings for the show.

In fact, how many of them are up on the, just one?

Okay.

We should post that one, one of the ones of me and Joe that he drew.

Okay, yeah, because Joe got a little upset when he saw the cartoon.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

A little bit sensitive.

I got a bit upset as well.

But we should post it and then people can see what we're talking about.

I mean, the idea of caricatures is that they're not supposed to be flattering, are they?

No, no, well, they're not really caricatures.

That's the thing is that they are sort of cartoonish photo realistic Yeah, no, they're not photo realistic.

No, and he's got James has got a very particular style brilliant Yeah, I think I mean I really love his drawings, but he goes for that slightly Sort of naive sort of childish style of yeah, yeah that slightly grotesque as well

That's a good choice of words.

So it suits us rather well, but unfortunately we're both quite vain.

Is that safe to say?

Yeah, yeah.

When we saw the naive grotesque versions of ourselves, I think we were both a little stunned.

We need one of those illustrators like you get in films whose work looks as if it's been done via a correspondence course.

Like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.

Leonardo.

Do you know what I mean?

We're like really beautifully photorealistic pencil drawings that might as well not be drawings.

Yes, just very, very flattering, can't you?

Yeah, yeah.

But in the meantime, James, we're very, very happy to have you on the team.

So you can check that out at bbc.co.uk

I want to say at this point, hello to Danielle Young.

Hi, Danielle.

She's hosting a listening party for Black Squadron members.

Wow.

What kind of a party is that?

Maybe you could send us some photos, Danielle.

An amazing party.

Do you think Black Squadron are allowed champagne at the centre?

Yes.

Are they?

Yes.

Even if it's not... No, Black Squadron are well known to be the only military division that can operate absolutely steamed.

Absolutely.

They have to be.

Slizzard.

Slizzard did.

Slizzard.

Yeah.

Listen, I am having said, I'm not going to pick out any of these photos.

There is one that came in so fast from Douglas Guthrie, Dr. Douglas Guthrie.

And he's done an amazing leaning tower.

It looks like it was assembled quickly.

But it's three chairs on top of a sort of armchair with some sort of huge rug and a pink handbag.

And the thing I like about it is it nearly stretches from the floor to the ceiling.

Yes.

Which is very impressive.

On the very top of the thing, it's got like a giant poof.

A giant poof?

Or a couple of poof, maybe.

Or you think it could be a beanbag?

Is it?

What is it then?

I don't know, it looks like the thing that Poltergeist makes when Mum turns her back and gets something out of the kitchen.

That's right.

I saw that film the other day on Telly.

It's good.

It bears up really nice.

Listen, let's play some music because it's almost 10.30 and we've got news to come.

So here is Everything Everything with Final Form.

That's Everything Everything with Final Form.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 10.30.

We're standing down the squadron, hit the jingle.

Stand down.

Your work is done.

You've earned yourself a nice warm bath and maybe a nice little bun.

Incredible response from Black Squadron.

Statisticians are calculating and collating the quantity of submissions standby for the results in the next half hour.

But right now it's time for the news with Claire Runacres.

It's Saturday morning on 6th Music Adam and Jo are in the studio They're gonna do their radio program It lasts for three hours In the show they play music and songs In between they talk a lot about things And people text in, that's about it Adam's in the left seat Jo is in the right seat There was an argument about which seat to take

It's Saturday, Saturday, Adam and Jo on Saturday Everybody's looking forward to the two men talking Saturday, Saturday, six music on Saturday Everybody's looking forward to the rambling, rambling, rambling Rambling, rambling Fun, fun, fun, fun Now it's time to start the show

So that's been like a phenomenal success for you, Adam, hasn't it?

Because what's the story?

Your mum... My mum paid for me... For your birthday, right?

Yeah, for my birthday.

She paid for me to go into a studio and have a track produced by a couple of songwriting geniuses.

And I never thought anything would happen with it.

I went in there.

It was a nice, fun present.

My mum's always wanted me to be a pop star, is the thing.

And you popped it up on YouTube, just expecting some of your friends to check it out, and then what happened?

Well, it started to snowball.

The first evening, you know, I was on 50 views, and by next day lunchtime, I had 55 views.

Next day lunchtime.

Yeah.

That's the new day of the week.

Next day lunchtime.

But then after that, I think someone posted it or someone tweeted about it.

I think maybe Stephen Fry tweeted it or something.

And I got a hundred million views in 24 hours.

Some people have been quite cruel about it.

Some people are saying that it's the worst thing they've ever heard in their lives.

How does that make you feel?

It makes me feel a little bit depressed and sad and beleaguered.

But you're not going to listen to the haters.

You're not going to let them affect you.

No, I'm going to carry on making bad jingles.

That's because that's what I feel I've been put on the earth to do.

And also I've, you know, I've made a huge amount of money.

Have you?

Because there are different rumours going around.

So I'm saying you've only made a few thousand dollars.

No, I've made millions.

But you've made millions.

Yeah, millions.

And what are you going to do with millions?

I thought I'd squander most of them.

I'd give a little bit to charity, like a jingle charity.

Is there a jingle charity?

There is now Yeah, I'm setting one up for yourself for jingle writers who for the guy that wrote the hey crusader Have you any nuts?

We've got mixed up and raised and salted cashews.

Yeah, he's cuz he's getting on He's getting on and he hasn't had any good jingle ideas recently.

I don't know if that's true that

That might not be true.

Really insulted.

So, yeah.

But no, obviously people are comparing it to Rebecca Black.

Oh, yeah.

And the whole Friday thing, which I think is a little reductive.

But how did you feel about Rebecca Black?

That's a good segue.

Um, how does that make sense?

This is how radio works.

How do you feel about Rebecca Black?

Well, I felt like everyone else did.

I felt, um, amused, then saddened.

Did you wait happy again?

Because I saw her on Ellen, I think.

On Alien?

Ellen.

Oh.

You know?

And she looked very happy, did she?

Yeah, she looked upbeat.

She weren't going to listen to no haters.

She's a nice person.

Her mum's not quite such an appeaser.

Oh, I haven't seen the mum.

Yeah, she's justifiably furious.

Is she?

Yeah, because it's cyberbullying, isn't it?

It is.

She's only little.

On a massive scale.

She's 13.

And the thing is, when I first saw the thing, right, I didn't realise it was in the low millions when I first saw the Friday video.

And I thought, well, this is amusing and a little bit bland and... But I didn't think it was the worst song ever made, you know what I mean?

Have you listened to Radio 1 recently?

There's a lot of stuff out there that's quite a lot worse than Rebecca Black.

It doesn't sound too far off Justin Bieber track, does it?

No, I don't think so.

It doesn't, I mean, you know, fly like a G6.

I'm sorry, but I would take Rebecca Black over that one.

I haven't heard that one.

That stinky pile of old poo.

Hey It's ridiculous kind of what's just like a g6.

I haven't heard that I like a G. Have you got it in your computer popping bottles in the eyes?

Because maybe that's maybe that's a basis for a future song wars when we drink we do it right getting slizzard That's where getting slizzard comes really.

Yeah, it does feel like a kind of new type of music has been innovative.

Doesn't it fly?

Like it you think Rebecca Black is the start of something?

Um, well, a lot of people feel that she's the end of something.

The end of all music and civilisation.

The end of times.

No, I'm happy with Rebecca Black, and that's a fantastic fun anthem, I think, for the weekend.

Yeah, and your jingle was good, too.

Thanks a lot, man.

Sorry.

Hey, later on, I'm going to play you one of the new jingles that I did when I was drinking wine last night for the podcast.

Because don't forget, listeners, we have a podcast of this show, right?

And here's the thing.

We would both really appreciate it if you could help propel the podcast to the number one position.

Because I don't think we've ever been number one in the podcast charts.

We've made it to number two.

This is very mercenary.

Is this allowed?

It's not mercenary.

We're not making money out of it, are we?

Aren't we?

No, you don't make money out of podcasts or we don't anyway.

But we'd certainly like to see it at the number one spot, if only for one week, you know, it would make a couple of... Or for a day, like iTunes moves so fast, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Just if it was up there for an hour.

It would be nice.

It would make my mum proud.

How can people do that?

They can.

Download it from iTunes, I think.

And is there any other conveyor?

What about if you're in a friend's house?

If you see a website you can go to.

Listen, listen to me.

If you're in a friend's house, you say,

Just popping to the loo.

And you don't go to the loo.

You go into their office.

I have a subterfuge.

Oh, I see.

And you go into the office and you boot up their computer.

And you log on and you download it on their computer.

And while you're there, you also sneak around and have a read of their emails.

That's a good idea.

And some of their photos.

They're precious photos.

So yeah, so you're boosting our listening figures by just downloading.

If you're in a shop, if you're in like a department store, go to the computer department, download it.

Right.

Sneak over to the till and distract the lady at the till.

Yes.

And then see if the till can download it.

Pick someone's smartphone out of their bag.

Wait, wait, wait, wait for it.

Download it, pop it back.

Oh, you pop it back.

Right.

Or keep it if it's a nice one.

No, don't do that.

All right, let's play some more music right now.

Joe, is this your choice?

It could be.

No, it's after this one.

Now, this is a song I don't know anything about because I haven't looked at my notes.

What's it called?

A copy.

Cut copy.

This is called Need You Now.

It's available digitally and out physically on the 25th of April and it's from their third album, Zonoscope, and we can't tell you much

Either than one of them's got a check shirt one of them's got a v-neck t-shirt and the others got a cardi and a t-shirt with a duck What kind of sound are you anticipating here?

Wow, I don't know but maybe something very dark and minimalist guitars Possibly organs kazoos right exposed organs.

Yeah exposed organs.

Okay.

Let's have a listen.

See if you're right made You're right, man.

They were rosy, man

from Australia and they synthesise their Australian organist.

That's absolutely terrific.

Oh mate, I'm so proud of them.

Absolutely great.

They've done really well.

Well done fellas.

Well done you guys.

It's so good.

You should play a concert at Daphne's.

That's a good idea!

Daphne's, she's just revamped it hasn't she?

She's painted stripes down the walls.

Do you know the note that Jeff left for Sandra?

Yes.

It fell out of his pocket and got stuck to Tommy's shoe.

So I'm not sure what's going to happen now.

Jeff was going to tell Sandra everything, but just before he told her she got a phone call and got distracted.

It's a terrible twist of fate, but that's a great exciting news band.

Isn't it it is made cut copy.

I like it.

So listen, uh, hello listeners.

This is Adam and Joe You're listening to BBC six music on a beautiful Saturday morning.

Thanks for listening everybody.

We had an extraordinary response to the black squadron wreck breaking 364 photos we've got which is fantastic But it's also problematic because it's very hard to judge which one's best in a kind of you know equal way We're gonna put pretty much all of them up on the the blog, right?

I think so.

A special shout out for Dave in Maidstone, who did a very precarious tower of jars.

It looked like he was risking his life to do it.

One of those jars had toppled.

Yes, he balanced bottles end to end, neck to neck.

And they almost touched the ceiling.

Bell and Ems, they did an amazing tower in their hall with a Stephen King novel.

One of the pleasures of this command is to see what stuff people have.

Yeah, to look into people's houses.

In their houses, books and stuff.

And Bell and Em, that's a pretty culturally sophisticated tower you had there.

Very nice.

Lots of good stuff that we're into as well.

But yeah, I mean, it's basically an excuse A to see people's houses and B to sometimes see people's pants.

Well, if we wanted to do that, we would have engineered a different Black Squadron command.

We'll do that next week.

Well, most weeks I have to stop your commands.

Mine are mainly pants-based, aren't they?

Guy and Jenny made an amazing pile of shoes, a kind of Jenga stack of shoes that stretched very high.

That was great.

And then this one.

The one you're looking at is they've connected bits of fruit with cocktail sticks or something.

Yeah, it's more like the sort of pompidous centre if it was made out of sticks and fruit and mushrooms.

It's a beautiful picture apart from anything else.

I would hang that poster on my wall.

Who was that by?

Let me have a look.

It's by Maisie Evans.

A genius.

That was amazing.

But thank you to everybody who sent a photo in.

And keep an eye on our website, bbc.co.uk forward slash six music.

Oh no, that's the wrong website.

bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Jo.

And pretty soon all those pictures will turn up.

So around this time we would normally start talking about text the nation but obviously it's a bit difficult difficult this week because We weren't on air last week and the text the nation usually takes a week to roll over get rolling as an auto exactly For retro text the nation, which we'll be able to do next week.

We're gonna launch a text the nation aren't we are we just gonna launch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right into it Yeah, yeah, we got to what the absolute heck

Um, let's do that after the next piece of music.

All right.

She's a free play.

Oh, this is a free play.

Yeah.

This is my favorite guy, Rafael Sadiq.

He's got a new album coming out.

It's called Stone Rolling.

I think he's doing a session, uh, for radio two or something this afternoon for Charles Peterson.

Radio one, maybe, uh, I was going to go, but I can't cause I got to work, but this is his new single.

It's called good man.

Stevie Wonder made.

He's not Australian.

He is Australian.

He's fantastic.

That was Higher Ground.

You're listening to Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Very nice to be back with you listeners.

Yeah, and thanks for all the texts and emails we've had, all the lovely texts and emails.

The text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

You know, sometimes we get texts that are kind of asking for shoutouts, but we don't really do shoutouts.

No, we eschew a lot of the conventions of radio and blaze our own trail.

We don't do guests.

We don't do shoutouts.

But you, do you want me to do this one right now?

I don't think we should do this one.

Why should we do this one?

I think it's nice to have the occasional shout out.

OK, I'm going to read it.

It says, shout out to the Torquay boys on route to Prague.

Mon the groom, Shears, Ty, Lon, Dom, Locker, Mike, Shabba, Fadge, Spike, Kane, Nathan, Woody, Ross.

Withals, donk, bouncy face.

So these are, are they in a car, do you think, or on a coach?

Gumbly Merwin.

Monches, Tylon, Dom Locker, Mike Shabber, Fadge, Spike, Caine, Nathan, and Woody from Ross.

They'll be in a coach or something.

On their way to Prague.

Who's your favourite?

Fadge.

Fadge is your favourite.

I don't know.

I'm split between Spike

And Mon.

Why aren't Zodnon and Ursa there as well?

Were they busy?

What about Raljax?

He missed the bus.

What about Adobe?

Yeah, he's too busy with his Photoshop.

That's the only shout out we're ever going to do.

I'm going to do a couple of shout outs right now.

To my godson, okay, Leo Jennings.

He's listening.

Happy birthday, Leo.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

Hope you enjoy your presence.

I know I'm taking advantage of my position here in a way.

It's disgusting.

It's a little bit unprofessional, but I won't do it again.

Happy birthday, Leo.

And to Jerome O'Donohoe.

Hey, Jerome.

This is a song going out to you from All Your Buddies.

Who's?

Why?

What?

Oh, this is just a special mystery.

Yeah, but it can't be a mystery.

Yeah, it's just like a mystery.

It's a mystery shout out.

for Geromo Donoho and we're going to play a bit of Blondie for you, Ex Offender.

Here we go.

That's Blondie with Ex Offender.

It was pointed out to us by an email correspondent earlier that maybe it was a little reductive to do an Australian accent after the track by, what were they called again?

Cut copy that we played earlier.

I don't think he was a regular listener.

If he was, he would have become inured to the Australian thing.

It wasn't meant to be like a racist attack on the Australian nation.

It was just meant to be a bit of fun with some neighbors references.

What's wrong with that?

Listen, it's time for another regular section of the show that we like to call Text the Nation.

And this has got a complicated segment, isn't it, Adam?

I mean, that guy, for instance, it might confuse him.

Yeah, it's tough to explain.

Let's see.

So, what we do is we... You've lost me.

You've lost me.

Start again.

Okay, so to put it another way... What?

All right.

Well, it's like talking... We talk about a thing... Listen, just play the jingle.

All right, then.

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

So it's mainly just texting.

For any reason?

What we do is we give you a subject listener and you text us in on that subject and we read out the best ones.

Or you can email.

You can email, that's true.

What's the email address?

Adam and Joe, all lowercase, Adam, A-N-D, Joe, dot six music, the number six, then the word music, at bbc.co.uk.

And the text number is 64046, if you'd like to text us your thoughts.

Text will be charged at your standard message rate.

Thanks, Dermot.

It's all right.

So yeah, this week, because we've just started back after a very long absence, we thought we'd keep it incredibly vague and broad, right?

So we thought that we would just ask you for anecdotes

I mean, we did this once before, kind of, but we did it on ourselves.

So we were giving our own anecdotes and then asking... We invented an amazing game called anecdotees.

Anecdotes.

I mean, that's a fun name.

But that was about our anecdotes.

Right.

So we're going to mix our... Well, we'll sort of launch this textination with some of our anecdotes, some things that have happened to us in the last 15 months.

So that's quite broad, isn't it?

But we'd like to hear anything notable that you've got as well.

Just the most amazing thing that's happened to you in the last 15 months.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be like...

You don't have to have met a celebrity or you don't have to have gone to the moon or anything.

It could be quite small and something as well.

We're looking for fun stuff.

Yeah, fun stuff.

Yeah.

We don't want anything too depressing.

We don't want to hear about your divorce.

Well, you can send it, but we may not read it out.

Yeah.

We don't want to hear about the collapse of your business and subsequent... And in future weeks, we'll focus text the nation more accurately.

Yes, exactly.

But broad and vague are the watchwords.

Broad and vague!

That's what we're going to rename this show.

That's what I look for in a woman.

My favourite qualities.

There was someone there who'd got his house burgled, wasn't there?

Yeah, that's right.

Who emailed us.

This is from Ed in Leeds.

Hello, Adam and Joe.

Five months ago, while I was at work, my flat was broken into.

The burglars took almost everything I own, including my ancient VCR, my computer games, my TV, my power drill, my shirts, DVD player, Xbox, laptop.

and almost all of my DVDs.

Arriving home and discovering my flat had been stripped of everything I hold dear, I phoned the police.

While waiting for them to arrive, I noticed the burglars had not stolen one of my DVDs.

It was the Adam and Jo Show DVD.

However, they had taken the Steven Seagal collection and a fishing DVD from the pound shop.

Wow.

Have a lovely day.

Shout out to my peeps in Black Squadron, Ed in Leeds.

I can understand them putting Seagal over us, but the fishing DVD, that's a bit hurtful.

But thank you very much to Ed in Leeds for that.

Sorry that you got burgled.

What's the thing that happened in the 15 months for you, Adam?

Well, I've just been trying to think.

No, you haven't got anything.

Almost nothing.

I'll tell you one thing that happened to me, right, and this was something, I mean this could almost be a text the nation in itself perhaps, was I had some avoidance on a train, like from someone I know.

Do you ever get this?

You see someone in a public space and then too late, like you see them for a split second, too late, they duck out of the way and try and hide from them.

That happens to you a lot though, doesn't it?

Well, you've got another big anecdote about that guy, do you remember?

Yeah, Jeremy Sheffield from... I suppose that was years ago.

Doctors and nurses or whatever.

Yeah, he's an actor and he's a nice chap and we're pals.

I haven't seen him for a long time.

When he sees you in the street, he turns and runs.

One time he turned and he ran down an alley to avoid me.

But it happened again the other day.

But I wasn't that hurt because I can I so understand the impulse.

You know what I mean?

Sometimes I have the same impulse myself.

Everyone does.

You see someone and it's just not the right time to have a conversation because you're too busy or well, particularly getting on a train when this happened.

This happened at Norwich station, right?

Yeah.

And I was just about to go down to London and I saw this chap and he was also about to get on the same train.

And and he and this is an old friend.

This is someone I've known for a few years, yeah.

It's actually a TV comedian.

I won't tell you exactly who might embarrass him, but he got on the train and he got in the carriage and he realized that he saw me sitting there, like putting my stuff on the racks and stuff.

And then he just immediately, he went through a little bit of theater, sort of looking around, checking his ticket, like, oh, I'm in the wrong carriage.

And then he got

Dan and God on another one.

And I'm pretty sure that, yeah, he'd seen me and he was thinking, I'm not really going to sit there.

And as I say, I wasn't hurt.

I definitely wasn't hurt because I thought that's completely fair enough.

I understand that as well.

You want to just keep yourself to yourself on a train journey and it's a nice... He would have felt he was obliged to sit next to you and talk to you.

Exactly.

Of course.

But that's the thing is that the only thing I would say to him if he's listening or if someone identifies him and tells him this anecdote is, don't worry, man.

That's cool.

I don't want to talk to you either.

I just want to.

I mean, I do.

You're a lovely guy and I wish we should go out for coffee, but.

It's all right, you know, it's fine.

One of the great things about attaining maturity is just to be able to see someone in the street.

As I did the other day with James Backman, do you know him?

He's a funny comedian that pops up in Michelin Webb's shows and things like that.

And I was cycling along, saw James on the side of the road there.

No, we just gave each other a little cheery wave, and that was enough, you know?

I didn't have to get off my bike and have an awkward like, hey, what are you doing?

And how's things?

All right, yeah, see ya.

Make silly promises about hooking up that we were never going to keep.

Just waved and went our way.

It was cool.

So, to recap, Text-o-Nation is just about anything that happened in the last 15 months.

A guy was burgled.

Adam avoided a comedian on the train.

No, he avoided me.

The text number is 64046, the email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

It's very broad.

I mean, it's really broad.

Well, let's see how it goes.

But also, can we say, keep it brief?

We don't want, like, big long essays, otherwise we'll never be able to read them all.

We're taking it very easy because this is the first choice.

Treat it like a tweet, right?

Try and keep it... It doesn't have to be 142 characters or whatever it is, but keep it short.

Okie dokie.

Now, let's play some elbow.

This is Open Arms.

Good stuff, that's Elbow with open arms.

Don't forget you can hear Guy Garvey, lead singer of Elbow, of course, on 6 Music, tomorrow night at 10, so tune in to that.

I've got a free play coming up right now and it's a bit of Walker Brothers from 1978.

Do you like Scott Walker, Joe?

Yes, yes.

That's the right answer.

This is from, this was the first material that Scott Walker had written, original material since 1970.

So a long period of absence for Scott.

Lazy.

A little bit lazy.

How lazy?

You know, and I think also he was playing a lot of Jenga and eating a lot of donuts, that kind of thing.

But he came back and with the rest of the Walker Brothers with, can you name the other two Walker Brothers?

Yes, I can.

Okay, go on then.

Not now.

Gary.

Gary Leeds.

Right.

John Mouse.

Faj and Mon.

Mon.

They were the other Walker brothers that no one talked about.

But they came back with this album Night Flights and it was quite weird, you know, and sort of pointed the way that Scott Walker was going to go thereafter.

Scott only wrote the first four tracks and the other guys, like, wrote the other tracks.

So the album was more or less, you know, three mini solo albums.

It's interesting, isn't it?

And Scott's tracks were quite different.

That guy's going to be upset again, don't he?

Yeah, doing racist Bowie accents.

Racist Bowie.

But Bowie even covered the song that I'm about to play, Night Flights, on his album Black Tie White Noise.

And there's quite an amusing music video for it that I'd never seen before.

I was doing a little Bowie surfing last night.

It's great

He's like doing his dance moves like he's a conductor, crossed with a very busy man.

Do you know what I mean?

So he's doing all these kind of moves.

A coffee?

Yes, please.

I'd like one.

Hang on, there's a spider's web in front of my face.

A coffee?

Yeah, actually I'll have two coffees, please.

I'm pushing through a veil of gauze.

There's another spider's web in front of my face.

Who keeps waving them here?

That kind of thing.

That's what he's doing in the video.

And so we can picture that while we listen to this track.

You could call it up on YouTube and look at it.

Wow, sync them up.

Yeah, sync them up if you want.

And here's a little introduction by Bowie to this track, Night Flights by the Walker Brothers.

Scott Walker brought out the most extraordinary album of his own songwriting.

Quite the most lovely songs that I'd heard in years.

Night flights is one of them.

That's great.

Have you ever listened to that on a night flight?

No, I would love to though.

It's so evocative.

That would be a fun text the nation, wouldn't it?

Songs you've listened to sort of in the, you know, while doing the thing that they're about.

uh-huh yeah yeah that's quite specific isn't it yeah um i mean i've listened to bicycle race by queen on a bike having a race though no i bet you someone has what would that not count then no it's got to be that i mean it's got to be pretty exactly what they're singing about on the song really that would be a good challenge even yeah can we pick some songs for people like people have to act out exactly what's happening in the song we could get an ITV2 series out of that he could couldn't we ITV1 series out of that you think

That's a good song though, isn't it?

That's great.

1978, wow.

Amazing.

I mean that was before recording methods were invented, so how did he record that?

He carved it out of tree bark and then got woodpeckers.

He connected some woodpeckers up to hi-fi.

1970 when?

1978.

Amazing.

Imagine being alive then.

I know, there wasn't any texting.

Amazing.

So old.

There's no Twitter.

What?

Did you make up any jokes over the 15 month period?

Boy, now you're asking.

I mean because you would have known that we were coming back on air so you might have made up a joke and jotted it down like I did.

Did you?

Just one.

Just one joke in 15 months.

It's no good.

Is it not?

But at least I squeezed one out.

Come on, let's have it then.

now right now yeah it's no good come on i mean it's based on a very old thing as well well is it i mean let's have it did you hear about the new danny devito film where he plays a man and this is made up don't keep the important thing is it's made up yeah right so i i believe this is entirely original okay so yeah that mitigates against any quality issues mitigates mitigates against any quality issues

Did you hear about the new Danny DeVito film where he plays a man whose mum is addicted to a small blanket and he has to gradually teach her to live without it?

It's called Train Mama from the Throw.

Now, I made that up.

I made that up.

Have you made up any jokes?

No, but I mean, are you saying that so bad?

I considered some that were better than that, and I thought they weren't reading out.

Did you?

Where are they then?

Well, I threw them in the bin.

Are you saying that?

Really?

No one's gonna be stealing that one.

Did you see the whole Ed Byrne... Ed Byrne, Keith Cheggwin, Twitter, Dave Barker... I didn't know.

Because Cheggers was... I mean, this is old news, right?

I can't believe you're just riding roughshot over my joke.

It's... yeah.

I mean it from a throw.

It's supposed to encourage listeners to make up their own jokes and send them in, because we have a regular segment.

Made up jokes.

Called Made Up Jokes.

But it has to be, and the whole, well, let me tell you about the Ed Byrne and Cheggers Dunbar, because it underlined the fact that it's so important that they are made up and not stolen.

Because Ed Byrne got into a contraband with Cheggers, who was tweeting loads of jokes, like that was his thing on Twitter.

Maybe it still is.

It's just to tweet loads of jokes.

But often they were sort of jokes that were doing the rounds.

Sometimes they were just sort of traditional jokes that everyone tells kind of knock, knock jokes or whatever.

But then some of them were actual jokes that, you know, comedians were still using in their standup sets or whatever.

And he wasn't necessarily crediting the people that had written the jokes.

So Ed Byrne mentioned that, you know, he was a little surprised and perhaps it would be a good idea if he did credit them.

But anyway, that opened up a whole spat which went on for ages.

It sort of got quite nasty for a while.

I think they've settled their differences now.

But one of the names that kept coming up in the whole situation was... I went for the word situation after thinking about that for a while.

was Timmy Vine, you know, because he's a joke craft machine.

But the thing is, his jokes are so classic, they feel as if they've been around forever.

People just often use them and don't even bother to credit Timmy Vine, you know?

And that has happened in made-up jokes before, hasn't it?

People have sent in jokes which listeners have then said,

That's a Timmy Vine smash.

That's a classic Timmy Vine.

So you've got to be so careful, is what I'm saying.

You've got to be very careful.

You've got to be ever so careful with... It's got to be absolutely awful.

Joe's joke, for example.

Train Mama from the throne.

There's no way that Timmy Vine would touch that.

Well, that's what's amazing.

I mean, it might not be a good joke, but I bet you no one's ever... I mean...

Oh, I don't think anyone ever would have considered that.

But that's the thing.

That's the key.

That's the magic.

Yeah.

So listen, send us your made up.

You could send them right now.

You know, if we get some good ones before the end of the show, we'll read them out.

We'll even play a jingle with it.

It's 11.30 and it's time for the news.

Val and Sebastian, I want the world to stop.

It's not gonna stop, mate.

Gotta get used to it.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Very nice to be back with you listeners.

Little shout-out going out to our team here.

Thanks so much, James Stirling, our producer.

Make some noises like a posse, Joe.

Whoa!

That's not very good.

Come on, and let's have a shout-out for Lucy.

Hooray!

For Tom.

Ooh!

And that's the Adam and Joe team here at BBC Six Music.

Who's the controller of BBC Six Music?

Shout out for Bob Shannon!

Hooray!

Yay!

Who else should we do a shout out to?

No one!

Okay.

Hey, I should do one for my brother.

It's his birthday.

Uncle Dave!

Uncle Dave.

Come on!

Woo!

There you go.

Nice one.

So listen, Joe, when was the last time you heard the Rumpelstiltskin story?

The Rumpelstiltskin story, not for a long time.

Are you familiar with the detail stilf?

Well, man, I'm not even sure I can remember what Rumpelstiltskin is.

Now, remind me.

Well, you probably think it's like a grunge band who... I get it confused with Strulpeater.

Which is that sort of terrifying...

Drawing of the stick with Stroll Peter Brothers Grimm as well.

I don't know But yes, Stroll Peter was the guy that went around he had unruly fingernails right something like that And in the end he got not only his fingernails chopped off, but his fingers too

And that's a fun story to tell children.

Kids love that kind of thing.

But you are a story craftsman, right?

You understand how stories work and why they are told.

So what is the logic then?

What was the Brothers Grimm logic of telling these terrifying stories to children?

Well, they're allegorical, aren't they?

Right.

So what's the good thing about scaring the bejesus out of her?

Because the world is scary.

Right, right.

And it's better to... these real questions?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, why do you find yourself telling stories to your kids that you wonder about their, you know, whether they'll just freak them out and whether they're getting any allegorical... I just feel...

The thing is, I have to go off on tangents because I feel I have to explain everything.

I'm like, well, this is a grotesque... Like, when I was reading Rumpelstiltskin, right, the other night, here, I'll fill you in on some of the stiltskin facts.

This is the boiled-down version of the Brothers Grimm story from 1812.

In order to make himself appear more important, Miller lied and said that his daughter would spin straw into gold.

You remember that?

The king heard of this, right?

And he called for the girl and he shut her in a tower room with straw and a spinning wheel and demanded that she spin the straw into gold by morning for three nights or be executed.

So already it's quite horrific you've got like a...

A father who's not, you know, he's an idiot.

He's been boasting about his daughter's non-existent magical powers.

You've got a brutal despot ruler who locks her in a tower.

He's so greedy, he wants the gold.

And he's a moron as well, because he doesn't realize you can't really spin straw into gold.

And you've got this girl, poor girl, locked up in the tower.

She's only got three nights to spin the straw into gold.

And she's visited by a little Nomi man, Rumpelstiltskin, and he jumps in into the rim.

Ah, hello, I can't help you, I can't spin this door into gold for you!

That's how he sounds.

And so that's nice, gets her off the hook.

What will you give me in return for that spinning in the... Shall I count on doing that?

Yes.

Spinning this door into gold.

So what did you say he was a gnome?

He's a little gnomey man.

We're gonna get a lot of emails from little gnomey man.

saying that it's a reductive accident I'm doing.

You know, little lonely men speak in a normal way.

They don't talk like this, necessarily.

Well, Rumpa Stiltskin did, though.

I have it on good authority.

That's exactly how he sounded.

So anyway, she gives him like a ring the first night, the second night he comes

comes back and she rewards him with, I don't know, some air miles or something.

And then the third night, the only thing that she has left to say thank you to Rumpelstiltskin with is the promise that she will give him her first born child.

Sure thing.

You know?

What else are you going to fall back on?

That's all she's got.

And the reason she makes the promise is because she thinks, I'm probably never going to have kids.

You know, I don't really want kids.

I'm too busy.

I'm going to set up a spinning straw into gold business and stuff like that.

And I'm going to be too busy to have kids.

So there's no problem making this promise.

Anyway, sure enough, the king, after she's spun all this straw into gold, is so pleased with her performance that he decides to marry her.

You would think she would run a mile from the homicidal king, right?

But no, she says, yeah, that would be great.

And they get married.

He is the king.

He's the king, right.

She thinks, Brill's, let's get married, and then they have a child?

Yeah, I definitely want to have children with you, the guy that threatened to murder me.

So they have a child, and sure enough, Rumpelstiltskin comes back to collect on the kid, right?

So this is an absolutely horrific, grotesque story going on here.

And the only way she can get out of it is if she is able to say his name.

At this point, she doesn't know what the little Nomi man's name is.

And he says, if you can guess my name, then you can keep the kid.

It's brilliant.

So she tries to guess his name, you know, she sends messengers out over far and wide, and they come back with lots of different names.

Is your name Mon?

Is it Fudge?

No, my name is not Mon.

No, it is not Fudge.

No, it is not Rogex.

And she thinks, I know I'm going to lose my child to this Nomi man.

What's the Nomi man even going to do with the baby?

Why does he want a baby?

I'm not saying that Nomi men aren't going to make good parents.

And these are all the caveats I have to make while I'm reading the story out, right?

It's impossible to tell any story on the BBC without getting into trouble.

And then, so basically, one of the messengers that she sends out happens across the little hut where the Nomi man lives.

And the Nomi man is dancing round the fire, thinking he's alone celebrating, and he is singing, today I brew, tomorrow I bake, and then the prince's child I'll take, the prince child I will take, for no one knows my little game that Rumpelstiltskin is my name.

Oh, he came it away, he came it away, he came it away.

So the messenger goes back, tells the... Sure thing.

And she busts him.

And here is the original ending of the story, right?

When she correctly guesses Rumpelstiltskin's name, he flies into such a rage that he bashes his foot through the floor.

And on one of the versions of the story, he tears his foot out and his whole body splits in two.

uh you know is that a good story that is a good ending and then another version of the ending because there are many versions over the years another version it says on wikipedia another version has rumpled stiltskin exploding and killing everyone within a mile yes what's that

So I'm telling this to my little daughter, you know.

Nearly three.

And it's just a minefield of explaining.

She might be too young for the story.

You reckon?

You want to give her stories like about ducks going back to their pond.

She demanded it.

She picked it out.

Simpler stories.

She wanted that one.

I mean, it sounds like quite a complicated, like economic allegory, doesn't it?

For somebody who gets themselves in hock to some sort of rich person by making a promise they can't deliver on.

Evils of capitalism.

And then, yeah, and then ends up secretly making a pact with some awful money lender or something.

And then is in hock to the money lender.

You know, the first born child is maybe some sort of metaphor for their future or something.

That's why I asked you.

Isn't it?

Story guru.

But that's what it is, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

But I don't know about the exploding thing.

See, my mind is too literal.

All I can see is just a frightening dwarfy man who explodes and kills everyone within a mile.

Why hasn't Hollywood rebooted that one, though?

You would think they'd go to that before Red Riding Hood, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

I don't know.

That's an idea.

Get on it, Joe Cornish!

Okay.

Here's the strokes.

Two kinds of happiness there.

That's the strokes.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music on a delightful, balmy Saturday afternoon.

Now, Adam, just to shut you up about Italian neorealist cinema, right?

You go on and on about Pier Paolo Pasolini.

We're having a little festival tonight at my house.

Are you?

You love all his films.

Madea, you love Gospel According to St Matthew.

Shut up about it!

You particularly love Theorem, his 1968 film, right?

I wish you would stop going on about it.

That's what I named my sons after, yeah.

Yes.

And so just to shut you up, I'm going to play Ennio Morricone's theme from Theorem from 1968, beat number three, all right?

Oh, good.

I love this one.

Just to make you happy.

Here we go.

It's a finger-popper.

Public image limited there with public image.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music and I think we're going to dip ourselves gently back into the fetid waters of textination this week.

Let's have the jingle.

Textination!

Text!

Textination!

What if I don't want to?

Textination!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Yes, Text the Nation is the segment of the show listeners when we give you a subject to text in on and you text in on it and we read them out.

Simple as that, right?

I mean, today's subject is awful.

I mean, it's really awful.

It's not so much a subject.

This is one or two people have emailed in claiming this is the worst Text the Nation ever.

How do you feel about that?

Well, that's fine.

It's the first show battle.

I mean, they're happy to hear us back.

15 months.

But they think this is the worst.

We've come back with the worst one ever.

Well, it's a catch-up one.

It's a, hi, how are you doing one?

No, it's not nice to point out that it's the worst one ever.

I mean, basically, there are no criteria.

No, it's like, get in touch.

Just anything.

Anything.

Any story.

Words.

Anything.

With a collection of words.

So here's, I mean, it's going to be really random.

And maybe you can help the listeners by responding to these in an either more or less enthusiastic way, you know?

But this list, you haven't seen someone for a long time.

You don't go into specifics immediately.

You just say, hey, what have you been up to?

to, right?

That's a good point.

That's what we're doing.

How are you doing?

That's what it should have been.

What's been happening?

What's been going down?

Yeah, exactly.

What do you think of Charlie Sheen?

Whoa, that guy's crazy.

Here's one from Daniel Maroney.

He says, it's very simple, this one, he says, this is the best thing that's happened to him in the last 15 months.

I thought I saw, I thought I saw the man who presents the weight loss show families on a train to Birmingham.

That's it.

Whoa.

He only thought his arm.

That was it for 15 months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, so you don't like that one, listeners?

You know that?

But he didn't like it.

I'm not saying I didn't like it.

Who was that from?

That was from Daniel Moroni.

Good stuff, Daniel.

That's good, man.

I can't believe you thought you saw that guy from the weight loss show.

What are the chances?

Here's one from Vicky Nash.

Yeah.

Hey, buckle balls and count corn on the cob.

What do you think about that?

That's a little familiar, isn't it?

Quite recently, I was at my trampolining club at college, practicing front somersaults.

As a cause of my... what?

As a cause of my over-rotation... I think she means as a result of my over-rotation.

Or even because of.

Yeah.

I landed on my toes and catapulted forwards.

I skidded on my faith and underneath the mat, which covers the outside of the trampoline where the springs are, and I got a face full of springs.

Wait, she skidded on her faith?

This is...

She did, she had a religious crisis in mid-air and it made her fall over.

And she got a spring in her face.

So how about that one?

I mean, that's just kind of confusing.

I think it means she hurt herself quite badly.

To summarize, she was doing gymnastics and she fell.

No, I would say this she was on a trampoline.

She fell she skidded on her face on her face on her face.

Yeah Underneath the trap underneath.

That's good.

That's a good story.

I thought that was brilliant.

I can't believe he saw my eye from the weight loss show Do you want another one?

I mean, this is your fault.

Yes.

I like it.

It's going well.

I've made your bed.

I think it's good text the nation Steve temper.

Yeah, good name for any really good anecdote

I came from college a few months ago to hear my mum's plaintive voice crying for help.

She's always had ill health so I panicked.

I rushed around the house looking for her.

I found her in the kitchen.

Turned out she wasn't having a heart attack or a stroke but she was

bottom up in the air with her head stuck down the side of the fridge.

What kind of story is this?

It's one of the ones you asked for.

It's an anecdote.

You picked it out.

I laughed so hard I fell over.

Come on, mum, head stuck down the front of the fridge.

Surely.

He's stuck down the front of the fridge.

Side of the fridge.

Why?

What's he doing there?

I don't know.

He never explains.

I'm going to move on to another one quickly.

Do you want another one?

Yeah, go on.

It's hard.

There's so many.

Yeah.

It's hard to pick out the good ones.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Jamie Taylor says, hey guys, I have to skip through some stuff.

Hang on.

Here's my anecdote.

Last week I was in it.

I'm not even going to read that one out.

What?

Last week I was in my English class, which was the last day.

Okay, last week I was in my English class, which was last day of the day, eagerly awaiting the belter ring, so I could rush to jazz band practice after school.

Listen, give me some time with that one.

That's a good one.

Let me read it through.

Already I was getting through.

That was a fun one.

I need to rewrite it.

Jazz band practice, last day of the day.

So that's the end of this Text the Nation segment.

We may or may not revisit it later in the show.

We're going to roll it over to next week.

What are you talking about?

We're going to roll it over to next week.

Imagine Retro Text the Nation next week.

We'll try and be a bit more specific next week, you know.

It's going to be amazing.

I've got a few made up jokes, but I'll share those with you in a bit, because we are just about to push through the noon barrier, ladies and gentlemen.

Five, four, three, two, one.

We're through the new barrier!

Here's the sound go team, Apollo's wrote down.

I don't like it when people look in my eyes and see my soul.

No, it's intrusive.

I find it very intrusive.

I like to cover my soul, if at all possible.

How profound.

It's private.

It's very private.

Hey, do you know, do you ever watch the repeats of that outer space show, you know, Wonders of the, is it called Wonders of the Universe?

Is that the modern one with Professor... Professor Brian Cox.

I don't think I've ever seen the whole thing.

No, I know that it's supposed to be very good.

You know that pleasurable thing when you're lying in bed and the sky at night comes on?

Do you ever watch that?

With Mr. Moore.

With Patrick Moore.

And they show these incredible

You know, computer simulations and photos of distant galaxies.

You know what?

I never even used to watch that.

Really?

I never get past Mr. Moore himself.

But you like space.

You like star trekking space stuff.

So you love space.

And there's a point at which that stuff becomes so sort of abstract and meaningless.

that it's weirdly soothing and awe-inspiring.

And Professor Dr. David Cox on his amazing smash hit BBC One series, Wonders of the Universe, has taken this to new levels.

They've got some incredible computer simulations of distant nebulae.

They're really stunning.

And it's a big smash hit this programme, and I think lots of people are watching it, but it really is really entrancing, even if you don't understand what the

hell he's talking about.

It becomes like a sort of amazing abstract poetry or some kind of art installation.

These incredibly beautiful simulations of galaxies done on computers with this awe-inspiring music playing behind it.

And then the dull, soft tones of Professor Cox telling you all these amazing names and mind-boggling statistics about these things.

It's quite a trippy experience.

Here's a clip from the latest episode, episode four.

Have a listen to this.

This is the Lagoon Nebula.

The Lagoon Nebula sits about 5,000 light years from Earth but it can still be seen with the naked eye because it's a hundred light years across and brightly lit by the hot young new star that sits at its centre.

A giant called Herschel 36.

So it's 5,000 light years from the Earth.

It's 100 light years across.

It's a hot new star called Herschel 36.

I've been reading about Herschel 36.

Yes.

It's the hottest new star in the galaxy.

He's huge.

He's absolutely huge.

Isn't he going out with the lady with the haircut?

Yeah, and it's a difficult, we're a lady with the haircut.

Tina Pimples.

Yes.

The one who was in an education.

But it's a difficult relationship because they live a long way apart.

Right.

Well, he's 5,000 light years away.

Sure.

And she's in Chingford.

What's the girl's name?

The one I'm thinking of, the actress.

You know, she's very famous.

With the haircut?

She's got a haircut.

Carrie Mulligan.

That's right, Carrie Mulligan.

And she's going out with... With Herschel 36.

But it's a difficult relationship to sustain because of the distance.

Yeah, and because he's a hundred light years across that's age I mean imagine the phone bill, but he's very fat.

Oh, I see.

He's a hundred light years across It's a little embarrassing.

It's a bit embarrassing socially.

He can't get out of that house Yeah, why I mean he's what has he been eating?

I don't know possibly Now listen to this clip so as if that isn't awesome enough and listen to this clip.

This newly born star is over 20 times more massive than our Sun and burns much hotter which makes the light that pours from its surface blue.

So, it's 20 times more massive than the sun.

We're still talking about Herschel 36.

I thought he was talking about his sun.

No, he's 20 times more massive than the sun and blue light pours from his surface.

Whoa.

Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, I mean that's... Can you visualise Herschel 36?

Yeah, I think he's in the blue man group, isn't he?

He's like a big blue guy.

He's like one of the guys from Avatar.

But if that isn't enough, then there is actually a star out there that dwarfs Herschel 36.

Um, Justin Bieber?

No, that's not her name.

Oh.

Let Professor Cox tell you.

Seven and a half thousand light years from Earth is a star that dwarfs even Herschel 36.

Its name is Eta Carinae.

Right?

So, it's even bigger than Herschel 36.

I love Eta Carinae.

Eta Carinae.

Did you see her last film?

Well, she was in Avatar, I'm sure, wasn't she?

Yeah.

Yes.

Does that mean anything to you, what you just heard?

It means that I love the sound of Brian Cox's voice.

Have you ever heard, you know Jeremy Dyson from the League of Gentlemen?

Yes.

He's got the same voice.

You're absolutely right.

It's lovely, isn't it?

It's that lovely, you know, very nicely pronounced northern voice.

But the words he's saying, I mean, they're sort of meaningless, aren't they?

Yeah.

I mean, the measures he's talking about.

But the measures he's talking about are so, these things are so massive they're beyond any comprehension.

It boggles the mind.

They don't relate to anything on earth or any experience at all.

It's just bunkers.

I mean, yeah, he could just be making it up.

He could.

I mean, for instance, if I made some awe-inspired music, would you think you'd be able to talk like him over it and just make the words up?

Sure.

Do you think?

Easy.

Do you want to try that now?

Why not?

How long do you think you could go for?

Ages.

Really?

Sure.

And you just talk about how wide things are, how narrow they are, what colour light they... Well, let's kick in some music.

I mean, this is music I made for this.

Let's see how long you last.

Here it goes.

look really far far away it's a giant big thing plate like a plate called julia-19 it's ever so large and it's huge look at that you could pile so much pudding on the top of it it's massive and great big

Further away from that, even, is Michael Nantesface69000.

How big?

It's really much bigger than even Julia 15 or whatever the number was I said of the plate.

It's so big, it's like a big massive balloon or a house.

How wide?

really, really wide.

Like a road, a massive as wide as a big road.

It's incredibly green and glowing green and bits of green toffee are coming off the top of it and people are catching them in their mouths.

It's massive though.

Imagine the most big toffee you ever saw is bigger than...

It's bigger than that.

Do something bigger, something bigger.

But, dwarfing all those things ever so... Oh.

I've exploded.

The universe exploded.

It was too big.

You overdone it.

That's inspiring.

I mean, that's a good show that we could do right there.

We just done it.

The universe show.

Okay, I think it's probably time for some Foo Fighters, isn't it?

Always time for some Foo Fighters.

Here's Rope!

They're unlikely to completely radically reinvent themselves any time soon, are they, the Foo Fighters?

You never know.

I wouldn't put anything past Grohl.

That was Rope by the Foo Fighters.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

20 parts 12, little time check there for you.

In around about 40 minutes you're going to be joined by the mighty Liz Kershaw.

She's going to be in the house with Moby.

He's gonna be here talking to Liz about... I really like your new style.

This is my new style.

I mean you sound like a professional DJ.

Yeah sure I am yeah crunch and roll.

That's my middle name names and Moby's gonna be chatting to Liz about all kinds of things.

You're so energized.

I'm excited.

Yeah sure he's gonna be here.

You're slightly ruining and trampling over the link, but that's not a problem.

That's fine.

Moby's gonna be here and... This is amazing!

You're sorry.

I'm sorry.

He's gonna be in the studio with Liz from one o'clock here on big music Moby's gonna be talking about music and all kinds of things could be anything from Moby's arms to the lighting Moby's fish collection taking you so long to get here and I've been doing a bit of practicing and I only you know I thought I shouldn't unveil the new voice until around about 20 past two

So dynamic.

22 minutes past 12 it is now.

It's sexy too.

21 minutes past 12 here on BBC 6.

Oh, music.

The House of Six.

House of Steady On.

I don't want to say it, it's only 20 past 12.

Did someone say 6?

Not for me, Mrs. Steady On.

Liz Gershul's going to be here from 1 o'clock.

With Moby, the bald-headed genius, he's gonna be chatting to Liz about music and much, much, much more besides.

I've had enough now.

I hate it.

Don't miss that.

We're awful.

All right, here's a free play.

Get out.

Sorry.

Here's my free play.

This is a Spanish band.

They're called Mujeres.

I mean, now I'm self-conscious about doing... When will Liz end?

When will you stop talking?

I'm doing a normal voice now!

All right.

That guy earlier about the Australian has made me self-conscious about doing offensive stereotypical racial accents.

Come on, man.

We've had about 300 emails.

I read you out the one bad one.

Oh, really?

Is that the right thing to do?

No, because those ones fixate in your head mind.

This is Mujeres.

This is a track called the Right On.

So it's all about like a, it's about the 60s.

Here it is.

Well, I'm eating a delicious orangey flavoured mini cake.

Mmm, that was sent to us along with an amazing welcome home Adam and Jo banner made by Ru and Jane.

Thank you so much ladies.

It's amazing.

We can't thank you enough.

It's really nice of you.

You might be able to see it on the webcam, I'm not sure.

Yeah, it's beautifully made.

I mean, it really is.

A lot of love and care has gone into it and thanks us well for it.

Yeah, thanks Ru, thanks Jane.

for the yummy cake stroked biscuits.

I really don't remember any of the biscuits in between.

That's one of those famous words that pop artists have a license to mangle.

Yeah, of course.

He does it very good Lee.

He does it really good Lee, really good Lee.

That's Julian Cope.

I come from another planet, baby.

Earlier we were talking about made up jokes and I, you know, told Adam an amazing made up joke that you completely poo poo'd.

I mean, I did a little poo poo on it, but I did that big old poo poo right on its face.

a small bucket of scorn over it.

It has to be said.

So let's hear some that have come in from our listeners over our period of absence and maybe one that Bucky Lees has made up.

Yeah, you know, I think I may have even said this one on our Christmas podcast, but let's have the jingle first.

Why not?

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree.

Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party.

Now, the first joke that I made up, I just said to James, our producer, and James gave it the thumb down for live transmission.

The thumb down.

So what we might do is maybe put it at the end of the podcast.

I'm not sure it's suitable for the podcast either.

It's a little fruity for the podcast, but maybe we can bury it like a long silence or something.

We'll try and figure something out.

How do you mean bury it?

Well, it'll be right in the end.

Oh, I see.

You think it's finished?

Oh, I thought you meant like you'd play underneath some other talking.

Oh, I see.

Like quietly.

That's an idea.

So you'd have to listen really high for it.

That's an idea.

You could be talking at the end of the podcast about something, right?

Yeah.

On the logging, and then I could just be saying it quietly.

You could put it on one of the stereo channels or something.

Yeah, yeah, I like it.

So you'll have to listen to the podcast to find out if we get that one through.

But this one is not so much a joke as just a funny thing I said.

Does that count?

Yeah, no, that's a good way to lower people's expectations.

Yeah.

During a game of Scrabble, which I was playing with my beautiful wife, she was complaining that she had too many vowels, right?

I've thought that about her in the past.

Right, a little too vowel-y.

Yeah.

So Dr. Buckle says, check this out.

A bad word man blames his tiles.

Nice.

A bad word man blames, because it's like a bad word man blames his tools.

Yes, thanks.

But I'm playing Scrabble.

So I said, a bad word man, because that's the game of Scrabble.

I think you have said this before.

Blames his tiles.

I think you have said this before.

Haven't I?

Yeah.

And how sad.

What a sad reflection on you.

That I'm wheeling it out again.

That you would wheel it out again after 15 months.

It wasn't that long.

It was Christmas I said it.

15 months in which, what, last Christmas?

You said it on the Christmas show.

That's when I gave him my heart.

Yeah, no, the one that's just gone.

That's sad.

Alright, well let's have some ones from actual humans then.

Okay, here's one that's coming from Chog.

Chog.

Good name, Chog.

Chog lives in cave man times.

Does he?

Yeah.

Excellent Chog, Chog.

He's communicated by smashing together rocks very loudly.

What did Adam say to Joe after arriving at their French holiday villa late one night when Joe wanted to rush straight down to the beach for a paddle even though it was very late and very dark?

I don't know.

Joe.

I don't know.

Joe.

Oh!

That's not bad.

Hi for Luton Chog.

Yeah.

He's a clever caveman.

He is.

He's fresh.

Very nice, Chogli.

Do you think Chogli's short for Chogli?

Yes.

Here's one from Andy in Little Hampton and he says, What do you call a little purple guitarist holding hands with Skippy?

Prince Andrew.

Prince and rue.

Prince Andrew.

I mean that's probably made up.

Obviously it's the made up seal of approval.

Timmy Vine's not going to have made that one.

Does he get the funny stamp?

Or does he get the long pause with a little fart?

Oh.

Oh, bad one.

You got another one there?

Yeah, this is a cheese-based one.

I'm always suspicious of cheese-based jokes.

Really?

Because I imagine they would have been thoroughly mined.

The puns are too easy, aren't they?

But this is quite a good one, I think.

What cheese... Maybe not.

I don't know.

I mean, it's good, but is it original?

Is it made up?

Yes.

What cheese can be smelt by rodents from a great distance?

Farm-mouthed cheddar.

Now that's probably been made up before, hasn't it?

Do you think so?

I mean... Farm mouth.

I just don't see Jimmy Carr launching into his new joke.

Joe Boswell.

Do you know, in the past, we've asked people to contextualise their jokes with the story of how they came up with it.

Right.

To provide us some background evidence.

Provenance, yeah.

Some provenance, exactly.

So we can get BBC researchers to double check.

Here's one that I really think is made up, and it's kind of brilliant, I think, from Sam in Elephant and Castle.

My auntie got me a castle-shaped calculator for Christmas last year.

Wasn't sure what to make of it, but it's the fort that counts.

castle-shaped calculator.

Yes, that's good.

I mean, that's definitely homemade, isn't it?

That's homemade.

You'd think so.

I mean, maybe it's too good.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not too good.

You don't reckon?

No, it's homemade.

The fort that counts.

It's like a little cake you'd get from a, you know, a local village fate that tastes a bit off.

But you eat it anyway.

It's too lemony.

Yeah.

Tiny bit too much.

The icing's a little bit tart.

It's good.

That's good.

I love that one.

Here's one.

Thanks, Sam.

Oh, now you gave me this one and circled it.

You're trying to sabotage me.

I was palming you off with the stinky ones.

This is from Danny in Belfast, who's given a lot of kisses at the end of this.

One, two, three, I think there's 10 kisses.

Any hugs?

Well, there's a big kiss and then nine small ones.

What does that mean?

Um, he's going in for the big smooch and then he's just fondling your buttocks.

Okay.

For a while.

Ah, it's a she.

Ah, even better.

D-A-N-I.

When I was 10, I made up a joke that I still tell and I laugh every time I tell it.

What do you call Knoll's house party after it's been run over by a steamroller?

Knoll's flat party.

You see Adam and Jo BBC 6's music is 17 minutes to one.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up at one o'clock.

She'll be interviewing the music star Moby.

That's not strictly true.

Is it he's gonna be sitting in but there'll be some interviewing going on, right?

He's here.

He's in the house talking to her.

So yeah, it's it's a legitimate explanation of what's gonna be happening I mean, I slightly ruined my little throat I was really good for a short period but now it's it's deserted me I'm gonna be unfailing a new podcast jingle in just a second for Joe's You know analysis, but first here's the Zu Toms with Valerie.

That's the uh, Zutons there with Valerie.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

The home of sixes and musics.

I'm feeling... I just found another... I found another made-up joke I made.

I'm too scared to say it to you now because you were so cruel about my other made-up joke.

Oh, come on.

I thought it was great.

Now you're being cruel to me for not wanting to say it.

Mama from the throw.

It's a hip-hop one, though.

It's based on KRS-1.

Does anyone even know who that is anymore?

Sure, Chris.

Do you know James, our producer?

You know who KRS-1 is.

Yeah.

What's his alternative name?

What are they called?

Boogie Down Productions, BDP.

What did KRS-1 say when he saw a beautiful religious statue for sale at a knockdown price?

Buda bye bye bye.

That's the end of that one.

That's great.

Thanks.

That's great.

You know, I say that in your DJ voice.

That's great.

That's more like it.

That's the voice I want you to be in when you respond to my made up jokes.

I mean, DJs don't really talk like that anymore.

That's a kind of an observation about DJs from 15 years ago.

Well, you're a DJ and you do.

Listen, I changed my mind about unveiling the podcast jingle here live.

We should unveil the podcast jingle on the podcast.

And we should remind listeners that a podcast of this program is available.

You can listen again via the BBC iPlayer, of course, immediately after the show.

But I think on Monday, a podcast will be available via all the usual sources.

It's going to be tomorrow even.

Tomorrow.

It has exclusive special extra content like we do in an intro and an extra.

We cram as much extra content as we are legally allowed to.

I should say, I believe Extra is probably early 80s, not 70s.

All the sci-fi nerds on your ass.

Listen, I wanted to get something off my chest a little bit, right?

Or at least ask you if you ever have this problem.

I've been worried about something.

Every time I go to the petrol station to fill up, I get very worried.

I put the pump in the slot, right?

And I do the filling up.

But then at the end, when you've finished, I give the pump a little waggle before completely withdrawing it.

Men love to waggle a spout just to check that it's all come out.

This is exactly the thing.

It's exactly the same gesture as when you might be at a urine.

And whenever I do it at the petrol station, I feel a little bit embarrassed and exposed doing it.

Do you ever attempt to pop the petrol nozzle into your pants?

Like, get the two actions confused?

Pop it in there and zip it up and then go, whoa!

Oh, dear.

What, and then we into the petrol tank?

Yes.

It's happened a couple of times, but not more than that.

It's only human.

But do you ever get that?

Has it ever crossed your mind when you're performing that action that it's a little bit of an intimate action?

Well, what I tend to do is I tend to tap the nozzle on the side of the orifice in order to get the drops out.

And that's not something I do in the urinal.

This is a dangerous area for a ten-to-one.

It is a little bit, isn't it?

On BBC Six Music.

Nozzles and slots.

What's the deal?

You're getting embarrassed about doing it?

Yeah, I'm just... Are you afraid someone will see you?

No, it just seems like a weirdly... It's just a bit sort of toilet-y.

A bit intimate, yeah.

And maybe the way I'm doing it is too similar.

Because, I mean, I'm performing exactly the same basic function, aren't I?

Well, is your... Yeah, that's interesting.

I mean, height-wise, where do your nether regions... Do they sit at the same level as the... The Netherlands.

as the hole for the petrol.

Yeah, my Netherlands are more or less exactly.

And when you hold the spout, are you holding it sort of at midriff level?

A little bit.

So how can we fix this?

I mean, I'm not really worried about it.

I'm not losing sleep.

Oh, you've wasted our time.

It crosses my mind.

I was just wondering if it had ever crossed your mind.

It definitely crosses my mind, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fun, isn't it?

Okay.

Now, Joe, you've got a free play.

This is your last free play.

Sure, I do.

This is a bit of hippity-hoppity.

This is Q-Tip, and Rezel is his name, I think.

That's how you say it.

It's from their 1999 album, so it's up-to-date stuff.

Wow.

Latest hip-hop sounds.

Yeah.

Produced by Marley Marle.

The album's called Make the Music 2000.

The track's called Get the Beat.

Why 2K?

Thank you so much for listening, everyone who's listened.

We're really happy to be back, and we're going to have a great summer.

We're going to be here all summer, all the way up to Glastonbury, so please stick with us.

Yeah, we missed you.

You know, we really did.

It was a yawning chasm without your texts and your emails and your amusing comments.

So please keep coming in throughout the week.

Don't forget to get in touch with us for Retro Text-a-Nation next week on that brilliant text-a-nation subject, which was... What have you been doing?

What's up?

Question mark.

Yeah, that's it.

Anything fun from the last 15 months.

The email is adamandjoy.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

So please send in stuff during the week.

Yeah, don't forget to stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's going to be here in just a few minutes with her special guest Moby.

It's very exciting.

Here on Six Music.

So until next week, take care, listeners.

We love you.

Bye!

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