The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (25 December 2010)

It's Christmas time.

Adam and Jo are just arriving at the Christmas shack.

Look at the ceiling, something's hanging there in black.

It's Steve LaMac.

Hmm, that was Fleet Foxes with white winter hymnal.

Hey!

Juno, Juno, before we get started properly, I was in a restaurant the other day and who appeared, we were sitting in the window, and who appeared looking through the window, staring at our food?

Juno.

The lead singer of the Fleet Foxes.

Really?

Yeah.

How can you be sure it wasn't just a random... Because my friend said, look, there's the lead singer of the Fleet Foxes.

Was he asking for 10p for a cup of coffee?

He looked like a sort of shambling Christmas tramp.

Yeah.

Because they, you know, they could line up there in 10 years' time, they'd all be lined up harmonically saying, Could you lend me ten pee?

Could you lend me ten pee?

For a cup of coffee and some tea?

Hey, I'm Adam.

Hey, I'm Joe.

Welcome to our very special Christmas special.

Two specials in the same sentence.

I've ruined this program already.

Don't worry, man.

Hey, we know it's been ages and Joe and I have literally just turned up about five minutes ago here at the Big British Castle and we deliberately have ignored each other, haven't really spoken to each other.

We've saved all our chit chat for now.

I mean, the last time I saw you, man, was at Glastonbury.

You, man.

Is that really true?

Yeah.

Wow.

How time flies.

It's a long time ago.

Long time ago.

Listen, we've just arrived in the Christmas shack.

I've changed.

You have changed.

I have changed.

I mean, I can see.

I've different changed.

You're sexy.

There's different things about me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Am I going to find out later on in the programme?

Yeah.

I've changed too.

I'm unpredictable now.

I haven't changed at all.

I'm exactly the same.

But listen, I'm freezing, so let's warm up the shack, shall we?

Have you got the matches?

Yeah, I've got the matches.

Bring them over here.

There they are.

Thanks very much.

That's a twiglet, not a match, you freak of nature.

I get confused.

Okay, here we go, I've got the matches.

Here we go.

Star, just wobbling the logs there, mate.

It is chilly, isn't it?

Yeah.

Close the door of the girdle.

I can strike the match off this twiglet.

I'm freezing.

I always do that.

When am I going to learn?

I had the crackers attached to my knackers again.

Oh.

Thanks very much.

We were saving up those explosives for next year.

I know, I had to pour all the champagne over the fireball as well.

We were going to cause an incident and now we can't.

Sorry about that.

But listen, instead of champagne, because some, why did I say that like that?

Champagne, yeah.

Champagne.

Because that's how it's correctly said.

I was thinking it might be more, more posher, but it came out wrongular.

Um, so instead of champagne this year, because it always makes me feel a bit acid, I don't know about you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Yeah, not really.

Not really, you just like it.

Well, I thought we'd go a different direction this year.

But then so does acid.

Right.

I thought we'd go for, um, G and T's.

No.

In cans.

That's powerful business.

Don't you reckon?

That's powerful stuff.

Because I thought it might be kind of summery.

I can't handle my G and T. You can.

I can't.

Just sip it.

I bought ice as well.

Did your mum and dad used to give you little sippies of, uh, plonkers when you were a kid?

Maybe the odd bit of wine.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, famously, European parents often give their kids sips of wine.

But my mum and dad used to... My mum used to drink G&T.

Did she?

And she used to let me have a sip.

And it's quite nice and sweet and tasty, isn't it?

Yes, it takes a few... Very drunk.

And so I like it, and I'm a bit like Obelix in Asterix and Obelix.

You know he got... He fell into a big vat of magic potion, didn't he?

Yeah, not G&T, though.

Yeah, but...

What magic potion is to him, G and T, is to me.

Right, so are you worried it's going to set you off again?

It'll make me more drunk than normal.

Well, just sip it, man.

Look, I've got loads of ice here.

And this is Christmas morning, Adam.

I mean, we're in a very privileged situation with this programme.

Christmas Day happens to fall... Christmas morning falls within our special slot.

Yes, absolutely.

It's the most holy of the holy slots.

And families all around Britain will be... Drinking G&T.

Drinking G&T.

No, they'll be huddled in.

They'll be huddled opening presents.

I mean, it's 10am now, right?

Or just gone 10?

You don't open your presents at 10am, boy.

What time do you open them?

After lunch.

After lunch, do you?

Yeah.

I disagree.

Actually, do we do it after lunch?

I can't remember.

Maybe we do it... No, we do it after lunch.

I think any healthy Liberal parent would let their kids open their presents as soon as they get up.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

No, you can have a couple of presents, but you can't have the whole bang shoot.

Really?

Young man.

No, because otherwise it's just... Why are you giving your kids bang shoots?

I'm giving them a bang shooter.

Why, they're not old enough to control bang shooters.

It's just a nerf bang shooter.

Anyway, listen, while I dole out the G&Ts, would you like one, James?

There you go, come on.

And we're not encouraging people to do this kind of thing at 10 in the morning.

To be honest with you folks, in the name of transparency, we are actually pre-recording this show.

So this was a few weeks before Christmas.

But, and it's late at night.

In fact, it's five in the morning.

We're in Denmark.

That's not true.

But it's the evening for us, so G&Ts are allowed.

But you're not allowed because it's only ten in the morning, just gone.

So get yourself together, go for a jog, come back, then you can open your presents.

Right now, before we go any further, here's a bit of music, and it's from The Cure.

Are they a Christmassy band, James?

Not really, are they?

They're a wintry band, I'll give you that much.

But I don't know about Christmas cheer.

Anyway, this is a sort of a cheery cure song.

This is close to me from 1985's Head on the Door.

That was The Cure with Close to Me.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

A very Merry Christmas, listeners.

We're in our little shack.

which is stuck on the side of the Big British Castle.

We've got our fire going, and we're having a lovely Christmas morning, aren't we, Adam?

James, our producer, has festooned the studio here at the Big British Castle with a lot of tinsel.

More tinsel than I've seen since the unfashionable 70s when tinsel was de rigueur.

Now it's very unacceptable, taste-wise, to have tinsel.

It's a little tacky, isn't it?

It's very tacky, and our household is incredibly, you know, we've got a minimalist... Super sophisticated, aren't we?

Walking into your house is like going into, like, the Habitat Shop window.

Yeah, it's a lot like that.

Are you silver and black this year?

Totally silver and black.

Yeah, sure.

You painted your kids silver.

But listen, listeners, we should sort out one or two things.

First of all, we're just pretending that we're recording this on Christmas morning, because this is a pre-record.

I'm not going to mention that again, because it's fine to lie at Christmas.

It's a time of fantasy and escape and adventure.

But we're only mentioning it in the context of the forthcoming Black Squadron command.

Now, listen, Black Squadron, we know you've been stood down for a long time.

Yes.

You'll probably be quite rusty and creaky.

You may have forgotten what Black Squadron is.

You might have grown out of Black Squadron.

Hey!

Come on Adam hey hey you know they're a year older year more mature I think they'll be senior members of Black Squadron now and they'll be even more committed to the cause we're about to issue you a command we'd like you to respond to it in the form of photos that you can email us don't text because we're not here to receive your texts you've just got to email them and the email address is

Adamandbbc.jo.com at forward slash HTTP balloons.

Wrong.

It's Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

So email the photos that you take in response to the following Black Squadron command to that email address and we will post the very best on the blog.

Now, later in the programme we're going to be giving each other some presents, as is our traditional won't around this time of year.

Three.

As is our traditional what?

Won't.

Yeah, want.

Well, you fixed it now, but you did it wrong twice.

No, it's fine.

The pronunciation was old.

That was the old English pronunciation.

Pronunciation was fiene.

Anyway, yeah, we're going to be giving each other presents, right?

Three each.

But here's the Black Squadron command, okay?

Shall we do that, then get into a record?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Happy with that?

Yeah, I'm gonna play a free play.

So I'm gonna bang in this free play straight after the command.

And I've been listening to some great music this year.

And here's one of the tracks that I very much enjoyed from the last few months.

This is Darwin Dees.

Have you ever seen Darwin Dees, Joe?

No, mate.

He's an extraordinary-looking fella.

He's an American indie popper who looks like a cross between Emily... Emily!

Howard from Little Britain, and the kind of Hasidic Jew.

He's got ringlets, but then a little headband, and he's an extraordinary-looking fellow.

But he's groovy, and this is a track from his last album, and it's called Constellations.

You'll be hearing it after the Black Squadron command.

Go, Joe!

Okay, here's the Black Squadron command.

Now, we're not going to define this.

We're just going to say the words.

You can interpret it as you wish, right?

Here it is.

Black Squadron, stand by.

Your command is...

Tinsel undies!

Jungle boogie!

That was cool in the gang.

Hey Merry Christmas listeners.

Yeah, Merry Christmas listeners.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.

We're here in our little Christmas shack with the firecrackling.

You can probably hear that in the background.

And I don't know whether you know, but at Christmas it's traditional to give presents.

Yeah, that's true.

Where does the tradition of giving presents come from, Jo?

It actually comes from... 10, this is QI.

The dawn of time.

So early, early man.

Yeah.

When cavemen lived in caves, they celebrated Christmas.

And they would come in with special rocks and twigs.

They would stuff gifts inside dead animals, like the carcasses of the creatures they'd slaughtered.

And the present, I mean the shopping wasn't particularly good

back then, so the range of presence was limited.

Well the MP3 players then were very primitive.

They were very primitive.

You could get only about five songs on.

Yeah, Call of Duty, it was, I think it was the very first Call of Duty was released back then, so you know, and it was the video game, the quality of the video games, I mean the... Yeah, they were very blocky, like the people in them, the movements were not naturalistic.

You know, the graphics, that's the word I was looking for.

We're talking about a very primitive time.

I mean, graphics were very primitive.

Graphics were very primitive.

And there was no sellotape, imagine.

Oh, that's me looking at the graphics thinking, oh, oh, primitive.

Black ops is bad.

That's not how someone move.

Anyway, so me and Adam are going to, that's not a wumble.

That's not a wumble.

Do you want a wumble?

What?

No, I said, that's not how someone move.

Looking at the guy in the video, OK?

Language was, of course, very primitive, which is why they use the word primitive to describe.

And also they had, their diet was very bad, so they were constantly clearing their throats.

They were.

And the Royal Mail was terribly slow back then.

That's not a nice noise to make on Christmas morning, is it?

Yeah, we're going to give each other presents.

We bought each other presents.

What sort of rules have we bought these presents within?

We used to have a budgetary limit, didn't we, of sort of a tenner.

Yeah.

But that ceiling has been smashed in recent years.

Someone smashed the ceiling.

stood up too quickly.

Have you applied any parameters to your present buying?

Well last year you very generously gave me David Burns' bicycle buying.

I know and you sent me a strongly worded email saying no serious gifts and obviously that had stuck in your mind for a year.

I love that book by the way.

It's my lovey book.

It's been my lovey book for 2010.

Great compliment.

It's alright man.

I've read a couple of pages every time I go in there.

I can picture you reading it and it fills my heart with

That's interesting!

A Christmas-y stench of mince pies.

There you go!

I can smell the mince pies.

The mince pies?

Anyway, listen, yes, presents.

Okay, so this is a kind of a... Hey, how many presents have you got me?

Well, what, you three?

How many have you got, mate?

I've got you four.

Oh, well, now you've broken the rules instantly!

Only because I saw something that I just had to get you.

Well, do you want to start then?

I bought the first three and then I saw something that is just you through and through.

I'll leave that one till last.

It's bound to be offensive.

Do you want to start then?

No, no, no.

You go, girl.

That's what they say these days, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

So this is a beautifully wrapped present.

Oh, it's heavy.

It's got really lovely wrapping paper.

Well, you know what?

This is from me and James.

Is it really?

Yeah.

Really?

James has, like, just raised his eyebrow in a way that suggests... A James Bond style way.

So this is wonderful.

And it's sort of soft.

It's the size of a... I don't know what it's the size of.

A book.

Not a book.

Oh, I think I might know what this is actually.

Something much better than a book.

Yeah.

Something far more precious than any book.

Well, this is a very loaded gift.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Joe is unwrapping a heavy Perspex obelisk.

Well, this is going to make me sound quite sort of conceited to announce what this is.

It's Adam and Joe Sony Gold Award.

What we got for our show last year, was it?

Was it this year?

This year.

2010's all happened.

That's amazing.

What an amazing...

Gift, thank you very much.

What are you gonna say?

Come on, speech.

Thank you very much.

I mean, what's the deal?

I've got so many questions are going through my head.

Because Joe wasn't at the Sony Awards, you see, back at the beginning of the year.

So I accepted on behalf and Chris Evans handed over the award.

It was an amazingly exciting night.

It was.

And it was really sad that Joe couldn't be there.

So now, come on, pretend you're up on that stage.

You've got Chris Evans looking at you saying, richly deserved, he said to us, which was really nice.

Thanks, Chris.

That's very kind of you.

It seems strange holding this award whilst in the middle of this particular show.

What an astounding award.

And thanks very much to everybody who works on the show.

Yeah?

That's what I say.

You see, it's a good thing I wasn't there.

No good at making speeches.

And I also got you something to go with it.

Did you?

Adam's foraging in his buckles bag.

Oh, ho, ho, now you're talking.

I know you're a fan.

The Top Gear Calendar 2011.

You love Top Gear, don't you?

I love Top Gear.

No, you seriously do that.

No, seriously?

No.

Seriously.

Yeah.

I love Top Gear.

I know.

Look at that, the Top Gear Calendar.

This is a BBC thing as well, isn't it?

Looks so well within our rights to talk about it.

Do they put funny things on there?

What kind of funny things do they put on?

How have they customised it?

Because it says on the front, what does it say?

Look.

with added clocks and May and Hammond.

How do they add extra clocks and May and Hammond to it?

Well, they've put pictures of them in it, innit?

Oh, it's got the Lamborghini Morcegia, the LP670SV.

I love that car.

You do.

I knew that was your favourite.

Oh, it's got James May pulling a face.

It's brilliant.

What a calendar.

Oh, March is going to be a specially good month.

I mean, it's been a tricky year for the Stig.

Has it?

Haven't you been reading the papers?

No.

There was all sorts of scandal about the Stig.

He tried to blow his cover and publish a book.

The BBC tried to stop him.

There was a court case.

I mean, it's been a troubling year for Top Gear and the Stig and Top Gear fans.

Yeah.

I mean, there wasn't a point behind that.

I'm just bringing you up to speed.

You brought everyone down, haven't you?

We've got to pick it up now with some more fun music.

Here's Julian Casablanca.

I wish it was Christmas today.

It is, you idiot!

Julian Casablanca's with I wish it was Christmas today.

I've already told you it is you moron.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here.

Happy Christmas listeners.

It's time for the news.

I wonder what David's doing this Christmas morning.

What do you think Christmas in the Bowie household is like, Adam?

Um, I would say probably around 10 in the morning.

A little bit of light festive miming.

followed by a superlattative game of Girard's.

Who do you think comes over to the Bowie household on Christmas morning?

Ryan Eno.

Does he join in the miming?

He refuses to do miming because it's too traditional.

Brian points to a huge collection of drawings of his own buttocks on the walls, each one with a different letter on it.

And when he points randomly at each letter, the person playing charades has to conjure a charade-based game.

Are there gnomes?

Yes.

Yes, there are gnomes.

How many gnomes are there in there?

16 gnomes on the Christmas morning.

On the Christmas 16.

Yes, it must be 16 16 names on the Christmas.

Are there any elves?

No And is there anything other gifts for the little children and is there perhaps a little coin for Tommy the beggar boy?

That's from Bowie's Tony newly-faced yes and Bowie of course dresses up like a

Of course, if it's a king.

Pixie King, of course, he does with his big jock strap.

Jared.

Yes.

For one morning alone, I am Jared, and I will give you gifts only if you do my bidding.

I wish I was at Bowie's house this Christmas morning.

It would be amazing.

Duncan, you will not have your gift until you have sold this riddle for me.

What's the riddle?

What?

That's a good riddle.

In my packet.

Oh dear, there's a peculiar atmosphere in the room.

It's a fun atmosphere, come on.

Hey listen, this is Adam and Jo, this is BBC6 Music.

Merry Christmas morning listeners, we're in our little shack.

Just outside the big British castle.

And we're exchanging gifts.

Are we going to do some gift action right now?

Let's do a gift in a second.

How are you doing for refreshments everyone?

We've got some twiglets here.

I've had a load of twiglets.

Yeah, you happy with them?

Yeah, they're like old man's bones.

I notice you never suck them, you just crunch them right.

No, you can't suck a crisp, they become soggy and lose their Christmas.

It's not a crisp, it's a twiggle, that's the whole point.

Yeah, but it comes within the subset of crisps.

Do you know how they make twiggles?

It's a crispy snack.

They line the twiggles up, it's like a firing squad.

Really?

And they're nude, like they line up the nude twiggles, and then like a guy with a high-pressure hose full of Marmite guns.

And he sprays the heck out of those mothers.

Awful.

Some of them don't make it.

I'm not going to lie to you.

That guy with a hose full of Marmite fumes.

Yeah, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

Some of them don't make it.

Really?

But the ones that do are the best of the best and delicious!

That's like a kind of average Marmite advert.

That would be a good pitch for a wacky new Marmite ad, wouldn't it?

So what are we going to do before we open the prezzies?

Because all I care about are the prezzies.

Well, would you like to hear a bit of music from a haughty young ice queen?

Yes.

Here's Laura Marlin.

Oh, mate.

Laura Marlin.

She's beautiful.

She's so beautiful.

She's terribly sensitive.

She's like a beauty.

She's not, you know, isn't she?

No, she's an ice queen.

Is she?

She's got no feelings.

Is she cold?

She's so cold.

That's not very nice.

She's hewn from marble.

But she's very talented.

But she's got ice in her heart.

Because that's what it takes to get a hit.

Well there's a sad brutal truth for Christmas morning.

That's what Christmas is all about.

Brutal truth.

Yes, that's very true, that's what Jesus wanted.

I want a present!

Well, you're gonna get one.

Hooray!

This is Adam and Joe, this is BBC Six Music.

Happy Christmas morning, listeners.

We've been exchanging gifts, because it's traditional, and here's a present from me, Joe, to Adam.

Thanks, man.

Now you always give me good presents.

That's one thing about you that I can say.

I mean, you know, as a friend in many ways, you're a let down.

But as a present giver, you are pretty much second to none.

Intelligent, thoughtful, creative, surprising.

I'm unwrapping the gift as you can hear.

This is a Flexi book.

It's a Flexi book.

It's about the size, you know, it's A4 magazine but it's a hard spine.

What have we got here?

Oh.

Now, I've been observing your guitar skills.

Oh, yeah.

Because Adam's quite a good guitar player.

I can't help that you're a bit stuck in the past.

I am a little.

With your Neil Young and your Bowie and your sixties and seventies repertoire.

So I've decided to give you a gift that brings you slap bang into the noughties, which is the last decade I know, but it's better than the sixties and seventies.

And it is Lady Gaga, the Fame Monster guitar tabs.

Here's a guitar.

I've had it specially brought into the studio, an acoustic guitar.

And I'd like you to choose a Lady Gaga song.

Alright.

And during the records for the next hour and a half or so, I'd like you to practice it.

Alright.

And then at the end of the show, I'd like you to play us out with a Lady Jaja song.

Does it matter that I don't really... Well, you've got the music there.

You've got the music there.

You don't need to have heard it.

You just read the music.

You've got the lyrics, you've got everything you need to perform a Lady Jaja song.

Alejandro.

Have you actually got this album?

No.

No, of course you do.

Not insane.

Yeah, you know Alejandro, right?

You know that one.

Obviously I know Alejandro, I don't know.

Why, obviously, though?

I know dance.

Why, obviously?

That's not even the big hit.

The big hit is Bad Romance, or whatever it's called.

Telephone is the big hit, isn't it?

I don't know.

Bad Romance is the one they sing.

Is that Bad Romance?

Yeah, that's the one they sing on the X Factor the whole time.

You see, I don't know Bad Romance.

That's all you need to know.

telephone.

How is telephone going to sound on the acoustic guitar?

That's the idea.

I don't know A sharp.

You've got your work cut out for you.

Are you nervous?

F minor.

I mean there's millions listening.

I know D, G and A. You've got everything you need to do a cracking performance.

Are you going to do telephone?

Have you selected that then?

I think I'm going to have to try telephone.

All right.

Well, listen, while Adam has a little practice, why don't we hear a bit more music?

This is a free play from me.

And this year was very exciting because, of course, Orange Juice released their box set of everything they'd ever done.

And if you're a regular listener to our waffle, you'd have heard me bemoaning in the past the lack of availability of their oeuvre.

And it all plopped out a couple of months ago in a fantastic box set and this is from the album Texas Fever that has been unavailable for years and years and was always one of my favourites.

This is a track called Bridge by Orange Juice.

Vampire Weekend with Run, this is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music on a lovely Christmas morning.

Yes, absolutely.

But you know, even on Christmas Day I find it hard to be

entirely unsymical about the world.

Christmas is the traditional time when I present my list of things that annoy me to my family.

Brilliant, they must love that.

I look forward to it.

Before I give out any presents at all, I stand in the middle of the room like a kind of musing comedian from Mock the Week, and I unfurl a large piece of paper and I say, you know what winds me up?

And then I sort of go on for a while.

I mean, they're genuinely things that wind me up.

You're going to do that now?

Yeah.

Wicked.

Because it's Christmas Day.

That's what I do.

Have a bit of gin and puff.

Do you ever do that?

Is that not a tradition in your house?

Yes.

The worsties list.

How's your worsties list getting on?

Cornballs.

In the cornballs household, there's no worsties list.

There's a besties list, a loving list.

Yeah.

On my worsties list this year, right?

and I added quite a few things to my worsties list this year.

One of them, a minor worstie, was the opening title montage from The Apprentice, with Alan Sugar saying, I'm not interested in any steady eddies or cautious carols.

What's a cautious carol?

He just made that one up.

Well, it's made that one up.

Obviously, it barely alliterates, though.

I mean, it's a scene.

And it's sexual equality.

All right.

But I just got sick of hearing about it and everything.

Steady Eddies or cautious carol.

They never varied the montage.

No.

At the beginning.

It drove me insane, ladies and gentlemen!

That's the audience going crazy for my, uh, appearance on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Road accident.

Here's another thing that winds me up, right?

Come on, this is good stuff!

It's good, I like it.

Go, give us another one.

And this is a genuine thing that happened to me at, uh, Legoland, right?

Mm-hmm.

in a very long queue we got there just at the wrong moment literally queuing for one hour then when we were right at the front just about to buy our tickets because we'd made the mistake of not buying them online they open up a new window right next to us so we go over to the to the next line but loads of people have crowded in there before us we ended up further back than we were before we switched no that's like what happens at banks

Yeah.

It happens in all sorts of situations.

That's what makes my story so very enjoyable.

Can you put a Lego twist on the story?

Because I'm going to be brutal.

It feels like quite an old observation about queuing at banks.

But the thing that's new about it, listen, stay with me.

I'm not being nasty.

The thing that's new about it is the legoness.

So just put a Lego twist on it.

Why, what, how do I put a Lego twist on that?

Were the booths made Lego shaped?

Were they Lego shaped?

No?

No.

They were just booths!

Okay, nothing I can do.

I tripped over some blocks, is that the kind of thing you're thinking?

Yes, there you go.

I was scrambling for the shorter queue, but I tripped over some blocks.

That's it.

It's got a Lego spin.

Is Lego Land good?

The best part of Lego Land is the, you know, world, bits of the world constructed from Lego.

Yes, well that's the old school area.

That's been there for years.

The rides are a new development.

I would want all elements of the rides to be made out of Lego.

Still going around like a... Sorry.

My list is very long.

I mean, it's going to be going right through the show, my worstiest list, because people love this kind of thing, I'm telling you.

Here's a chap that I bumped into that you and I know, Joe.

Lovely Steve Mason from the beat-a-band bumped into him at latitude.

He was looking hail and hearty, played a great set, and it was genuinely lovely to see him, and congratulate him on his excellent album this year, and here's a track from it, Lost and Found.

Track from one of the big albums of this year, Arcade Fire's Suburbs album, and that was We Used to Wait.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music wishing you a very happy Christmas.

Delighted to be back on 6 Music, Joe.

Yeah, now earlier in the show, we issued a Black Squadron command.

It was Tinselpants.

Tinselundis.

Should have been Tinselpants.

Well, because it's got more punch to it.

Too late now.

For the ladies, then that's true.

They need some tinsel on the cover.

An American might have got confused.

Right.

So tinsel undies it was.

Tinsel traps!

I mean, we're pre-recording this show, we would mention.

Don't, you know, let that settle in your brain.

You can forget about it.

Imagine it's live.

Christmas is a time for lies.

But we will, I'm sure, have been inundated with pictures of people

Uh, wearing nothing but tinsel undies.

That's what we're hoping, isn't it?

Is that... is that tinsel?

That's all we'll be saying.

It's not very colourful.

It's spiky but not very colourful.

Brown tinsel.

Anyway, time for another present though.

Wear exchanging gifts.

Um... Brown didn't say it.

You didn't have to say it again!

That's where you went.

Yeah, we're exchanging gifts because it's Christmas and I've just given Adam the guitar tab book for Lady Jaja's... What's the album called?

Ah... Poop.

Poop Ants.

Bad Poop Ants or whatever it's called.

He's going to be learning how to play the track telephone on the acoustic guitar and singing it.

We'll be hearing that towards the end of the show.

There's so much to look forward to.

I'm on my second tin of G&T.

The Fame Monster.

Of course it's called that.

The Fame Monster.

She loves The Fame Monster.

She loves to be chased by it.

Chase me, Chase me, Fame Monster.

Anyway, there you go, there's your gift.

Gift number two.

Gift number two from Adam to me.

Look at this, it's wrapped in, it looks like the Daily Mail.

Yeah, that's because it is, boy.

Do you buy the Daily Mail?

No, I wrapped that round at my parents' house.

On wrapping now, it's a book.

I mean, it's definitely a book.

Sure, it's a big expensive book.

It's a big expensive book, is it really?

Yeah.

Ah, now this is quite good.

This is the Keith Richards book, Life.

I've been watching him, like I watched him on The Late Show a month or so ago.

Being interviewed by... Jim'll fix it.

Yeah, Herbert McWeenie.

Dixon, Weenie.

DixonMcDotGreen.

He's a weighty interviewer, isn't he?

I mean, he thinks he's still on monitor.

Doesn't he?

He's the last remaining fragment of 60s BBC.

What's his name?

He's a lovely guy, apparently.

Andrew Graham Dixon.

Lauren speaks very highly of him.

Yeah.

He used to be the arts correspondent on the Culture Show and is now sort of spreading his talent.

Yeah, you can't help sort of thinking he was cryogenically frozen in 1969.

He does have that kind of haircut.

And Keith Richards came across in that interview was quite a fascinating chap.

He was very articulate.

This seems like quite a serious gift in there.

I mean, I guess it's got bouncy anecdotal qualities, right?

It's not a serious gift.

It's a ridiculous gift.

Have you read it?

Yeah.

And have you picked out some bittles?

I've listened to the audio book, which I recommend you do if you're interested.

Because A, it's more easy than reading.

Who done it read it?

Is it Keith himself?

Well, here's the thing.

It's a selection of people reading it.

No.

Because Keith would absolutely not be able to... It's a big book, I mean... Because they can't take it, can they?

They get a few pages in and they just can't take it.

Sure.

They can't believe it.

Especially not Keith.

I mean, some of the stories in there are going to curl your toes.

But it is... I mean, the audio book itself is about 17 hours.

I mean, it's re-ludacrous.

So here is a clip of one of the narrators.

Let's see if you can guess who it is.

Nothing like a good 10-15 minutes of pubescent female shrieking to cover up all your mistakes.

Or 3,000 teenage chicks throwing themselves at you or being carried out on stretchers.

All the bouffants are aye.

Skirts up to their waists, sweating, red, eyes rolling.

That's the spirit girl.

That's the way we like him.

That was the wrong clip.

That's about me.

3,000 teenage girls.

Yeah, but who was reading that then?

Ah, Huey from the Fun-Loving Criminals.

Yes, no it wasn't, it was Johnny Depp, who was like Huey from the Fun-Loving Criminals.

Sort of the same.

So the audiobook starts off with Depp in command, and he does a fairly, as you could hear there, fairly sort of sober read, fairly flat, but you know... They're close chums, aren't they?

They are.

I mean, they're the pirates of the Caribbean forms.

Of course, you know, notoriously Johnny Depp modelled his performance.

And then, yeah.

on him and then Keith turned up to play his dad in one of them, didn't he?

But then, about halfway through, seemingly at random, the narration duties are taken over by one Joe Hurley.

Have you ever heard of Joe Hurley?

No.

Well, I think he is apparently, from looking online, a New York singer-songwriter.

He's in a kind of a Celtic rock band called The Gents.

That's a good name for a band, isn't it?

Name your band after a Lavi.

And here, and I don't know if this is really the way Joe Hurley speaks, or if he's doing an accent, if he's trying to approximate Keith's accent, or what, but this is how he comes out.

Fleet Street and Andrew Oldham provide our new popular image.

Long-haired, obnoxious, and dirty.

Mick and I write a song we can give the stones.

I write satisfaction in my sleep, and we have our first number one.

Well, you know why that is.

Because it's real.

Speaking voices like this!

And they've had to slow him down.

They had to slow it right down.

Down to that.

That's weird.

It sounds like he's been recorded on an analogue, you know, reel-to-reel tape recorder that's got a bit of a problem.

I mean, I think he must be doing some kind of accent.

Here's another very brief clip of Joe Hurley in action.

It was soon after that that I picked up a Smith & Wesson 38 Special.

Was the Wild West still is?

Slightly west country there as well.

I mean, you're only allowed to read Keith's words if you've been pretty much maimed by drugs.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, of course, the king of all Keith Richards impressions was Phil Cornwell, who did an amazing impression on Stellar Street.

Why didn't they get him to do it then?

Yeah, I don't know.

But instead, at the very end, you get Keith himself.

And Keith starts, like, you can tell that they've only been able to do like 10 minute chunks with Keith before he gets... That's all Keith can do, 10 minute chunks.

Yeah.

So here's sort of relatively perky Keith.

Aside from poaching, which I haven't done since then, I'd ate a gent's life.

I just am a Mozart.

Read many, many books.

I'm a voracious reader.

I'll read anything.

And if I don't like it, I'll toss it.

He's not talking about books, is he?

No.

But then he gets tired.

He gets tired and he gets a little bit late, and things start to slow down.

He doesn't specify the books.

I mean, it could just be the Mr. Man books.

He does.

Yeah, absolutely.

In an ongoing cycle.

He'll read anything.

His favourite, oh, Lauren Charles.

It's suddenly gone quite posh.

No, but he is.

That's the secret of Keith, is that he is.

Is it?

He is kind of posh.

Anyway, here's another little clip where he's a little bit more tired.

It wasn't too long after Mick's ribbon cutting that he called me to say, I've got to tell you this now.

Tony Blair is insisting that I accept a knighthood.

It was incomprehensible for Mick to do it.

He'd blown his credibility.

I rang Charlie.

What's all this about a knighthood?

He said, you know he's always wanted one.

I said, no, I didn't know.

This never occurred to me.

Anyway, so I thought half the fun of getting you this book rather than just the audiobook would be for you to do your own narrations, right?

Because it's a fun thing to do.

Everyone should have a Keith impression in their locker, right?

Oh, I'm ready now.

Turn to page 173.

There's a little bit there about writing or recording The Last Time, which might be interesting.

The last time was the cottage during a magical period at the RCA studios in Hollywood.

Work was always intensely hard.

The gigs never finished just because you got off stage.

Let's go back to that.

You can't arise in that.

That's more or less what it's like.

Let's have a go.

Have a go.

Okay.

I think it helps to kind of pretend that you're on the lobby.

That's my Pierce Brosnan technique.

That was a magic discovery, but so were these riffs.

No, that's a bit too fruity, isn't it?

That's an answer.

Who is that now?

That's like Leslie Phillips.

David Frost, I'm turning into that.

I think Keith and David Frost are quite similar.

These crucial, wonderful riffs just came.

I don't know where they came from.

I'm blessed with them and I can never get to the bottom of them.

When you get a riff like Flash, you get a great feeling of relation.

It's worse than mine.

I've never been happier.

Wicked glee.

Course then comes the other thing of persuading people that it's great as you actually know it is.

You have to go through the poo poo.

Flash is basically satisfaction in remotes.

Wow.

Yeah?

Is it a good book?

Are there like shocking stories?

Like I read the Motley crew one.

Oh, yeah.

What's the most awful thing you've come across?

So far.

I mean, sort of casual references to having leprosy at one stage.

I can't figure out if he's being serious or not.

Halfway home, I realized my legs weren't there.

They'd fallen off in the studio and I'd gone half way across Manhattan with a cab without a rear.

Suddenly I was playing a riff to give me shelter and my finger just popped right off.

I knelt down and it fell into Mick's mouth.

I knelt down to bow before the Queen.

I was jolted with a cold... jolt of realisation that I still had a whole syringe in my forehead.

These are patterned birds came and she was sucking on my toes while I actually see the Queen.

And the Queen was... Looking at her later, she said, oh, Laura, Laura Blanda Delta.

All right, let's play some Rolling Stones, shall we?

Anyway, I hope you like your book, man.

Thank you very much.

It's a good read.

I do like your book.

Good luck with it.

Thanks.

Ray Charles there with Shaker Tail Feather.

Hey, happy Christmas, listeners.

It's Adam Buxton here with... Hey, I'm Joe Cornish.

We're Adam and Jo, you're listening to BBC Six Music on Christmas Day 2010.

Now Christmas is of course the season of the tramp.

I'm thinking of... It's the season of the witch.

The jolly tramp.

Ah, Santa.

From the North Pole.

And I'm like the anti-Santa in some ways because, you know, I've got a little black beard and I'm like a little gnome.

And you come into people's houses and take their presents.

You stamp on them, don't you?

I steal their presents, yeah.

But in other ways I'm like a tramp too and this has been, I was thinking about it the other day, this has been one of my trampier years in some ways.

I had a couple of incidents that really made me think,

Boy, I'm pretty much just a tramp.

One was when I was doing a gig the other day in Norwich, a bug show, and that's a show where I show music videos and chat in between.

And while one of the music videos was playing, I was up on stage tapping away on my legs like that with my hands, right?

I had a cut on one of my fingers and it started to bleed onto my trousers, which were light-coloured.

So when the lights came back up, I looked down and I realised that my trousers were covered in blood.

And so I was then presented with the problem of what I was going to say to the audience about this, because at some stage I'd have to stand up.

And they would be thinking, why's he got blood all over his trousers?

How much blood was there?

Quite a bit, like more than you would expect, because I was really tapping away.

The blood really pumps out your little finger there when you're tapping.

So I thought, what am I going to do?

What would you have done?

Would you have not mentioned it and sidled out that there was no way I could hide it?

What colour were the trousers?

Were they pale trousers?

Yeah, they're like the ones I'm wearing today.

I probably would have just hit them with the truth.

Well, that's what I did.

I hit them with the truth.

I said, listen, I was tapping away there and I've got blood all over my... But they went all quiet.

The audience went quiet and because they thought it was weird, which it was.

And I felt very naked you know and I felt mental in front of them.

I felt like I feel mental that's sexy Here's another incident which was less mental, but more tramp like yeah And maybe I made a bad judgment call on it as well.

I was in the on the train heading to London and

And I went to the lavatory cubicle there, and I was going to wash my hands at the end of the exercise.

And first of all, I put soap from the dispenser on my hands, and then I went to rinse it off.

No water in the tap, right?

So I'm pressing the little stud there.

There's no water coming out whatsoever.

Absolutely nothing.

So I think, aww, what am I going to do?

Because my hands covered in this stinky gunk.

So I tried to sort of wipe it off, maybe get the tissues and wipe it off, but it was so sticky, there was no question of me being able to go back in that state.

So I was like, what am I going to do?

There was no, not even drips coming out of a tap.

So what do you do?

What would you do?

Um, wipe them on my... Probably wipe them on the bum of my trousers.

No, because they're still going to be sticky.

This is what I'm saying.

Hmm, I don't know.

What did you do?

Wash them in the lobby.

Wash them in the toilet bowl.

What was the state of hygiene of the bowl?

Well look, I didn't dip it right in the bowl, I'm not totally unbalanced.

Where was this against?

This is on the train heading from Norwich to London, right?

And there was no, and I went to another lab as well, there was no water in any of the toilet vehicles.

So I didn't dip them right in there, yeah, because I'm not crazy.

Is there any, you know, what's the alternative to the dipping bowl?

I flushed the lab.

Lovely.

And so I just ran my hands on the... Like a sort of beautiful, excitation waterfall.

Exactly.

I mean, that stuff's pretty good.

You can drink if you want.

You should have just jumped and dived on in there.

Well, I thought about it.

But as I was doing it, obviously I had some qualms.

I had a number of qualms.

Yeah.

But I was thinking... As long as you didn't have any plots.

I was thinking, is this the lowest I've sunk?

Am I... Do I get a tramp card now?

Do I get invited to any tramp parties?

But what do you do?

I mean is that someone else must do I tell you what you do is you go to the buffet Uh-huh, and you purchase a bottle of still water right and then you go back to the Lulu Yeah, you pour the bottle of water.

I was too cheap straight to the Lavi 150 for a bottle of water straight to the Lavi boy

That's how I do it.

Good for you.

Here's Gold Heart Assembly.

This is King of Rome.

That was King of Rome by Gold Heart Assembly.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music on Christmas morning.

Santa.

Hello.

Hello Santa.

Who are you?

Go away.

Oh dear.

Come back.

Okay, here's the news.

That was the Gorillaz with Donkamatic.

That's a new Gorillaz song.

Like, that's not even on the last album.

They're very prolific.

They're churning them out there.

What a year it's been.

They were the saviours of Glasto.

Were they?

Were they, though?

Not really.

What's the final analysis?

Not really.

They look a lot very keen on the mother.

No, not really.

They are.

Would I like a present?

Yes, I would.

Is that too greedy?

No, no, it's good.

Like, how greedy are you around about Christmas time?

Great question, Ad.

Not very.

You're not?

No, not very.

Do you never stuff yourself?

With food.

Yeah, that's greed.

Not really.

No, I've got a tiny tum tum.

Have you?

A little tum tum.

Never over eat.

You don't get a lot in.

No, I don't.

No.

I don't think I've ever seen you over-indulged.

Except in private.

Emotionally, yeah.

Here's a prezzy for you.

It might be small, but boy is it powerful.

Oh, thanks.

Like a stinky stern.

Look at this.

What have we got here?

Oh, yes, it is.

It's wallet-sized.

Just to bring listeners up to speed, it's Christmas and Azra's Artworks changing presents.

Yeah, this is our traditional gift exchanging.

thing and it is a small book the kind of thing you find next to the counter in all disreputable shops and it is called body language how to understand the unspoken language of the body so this is I'm like giving you a key

Thanks, man.

I'm like giving you the gift of interpreting body language.

Right, this is the kind of thing that Darren Brown is very good at doing and has made a career out of.

When people communicate or enter a space with another person, they are giving away all sorts of things about themselves without knowing it.

By the physical position they're in, by the gestures they make, by the expressions they put on their face.

Look at this, the five spatial zones.

Yes.

Students of human behavior have identified five concentric spatial zones affecting behavior.

The close, intimate, intimate, personal, social... The close, intimate.

Right.

So breathe them properly.

The close, intimate, intimate, personal, social and public zones.

Yes.

And do they have exact measured distances?

Yeah, they appear to.

They'll naturally give you like a...

numerical values, but you can see that the public zone is really very wide, but the close intimate zone and the intimate zone are very close together.

I'm someone that doesn't like people really to penetrate anything but the public zone.

Now what sort of distance is that?

A couple of metres, would you say?

Yeah.

Yeah, so the general public can't come closer than a couple of metres.

No, I don't really like it.

How about you?

You're not someone that invades people's intimate zones, are you?

Yes.

Are you?

Yes, when they're asleep.

Do you like that?

Are you tactile?

I can't really... You're not very tactile.

It depends who's tactilling me.

Here's another one.

I've taken the book from Adam now because he's not ready for it.

This chapter is called Conversational Gazing.

Exactly where people look when they talk to each other gives clues to the kind of relationship they have, as the examples below show.

During a normal friendly conversation, each person's eyes generally focus on the part of the other individual's face between the mouth and eyes.

Yeah, that'll be the nose.

Yeah.

An experienced negotiator might give a conversation a purposeful air by focusing on the other person's forehead.

What about the eyes?

I look at the eyes.

And eyes.

Not around the eyes?

In an intimate conversation between potential sexual partners who are at close quarters.

Woof.

The gaze may range from eye level down to chest level.

So he's popping a glance at the old tots.

That's alright though, everyone does that.

Is that secret?

Especially if they're out on display.

What about, you know, I'm not very good at hiding my discomfort sometimes in body language situations.

And I am easily like, when I lie or if I'm being insincere, I always do things like look away.

You know what I mean?

Dude.

Like I can't hold a person's gaze.

This is the chapter that's key though, the chapter on courtship.

Shouldn't have told you that.

And it basically, you'll find this useful, it breaks down courting signals.

So these are the things to look out for in a lady who might find you attractive.

What is that one of them?

Yeah.

What?

The meaning or the intention signalled sexual excitement.

Does it really?

Oh, I can't read this on Christmas.

Well, I mean, what kind of... It's too fruity on Christmas.

It doesn't take a genius to interpret that one, though, does it?

Hey, don't forget this is a present.

The meaning of this subtle signal is that she is ready for Christmas at that chapter at presents.

Anyway, good gift, you like it?

That's great, man.

You got me a little filthy book.

I mean, it's not filthy, but it's full of useful information.

Obvious information.

I thought this was going to be a laughter firecracker.

It's turned into a damp squib.

It's too involved.

There's too much to read and process.

It's a disaster!

It's brilliant, man.

I love it.

I've even marked pages with humorous things on it with little green post-its.

Come on, they're great.

Read one out.

Look at this, it's all about the difference between real smiles and false smiles.

We've discussed this even in the past.

Yeah, exactly.

Are you a good fake smiler?

No!

No, you are quite a good fake smiler.

What's the difference between a fake smile and a real smile?

Well, a real smile is of a certain strength.

A fake smile may be of an incorrect strength.

That book's BS.

A fake smile may appear far too quickly or far too slowly.

You mean, I just get a fixed grin on my face if I'm in any kind of social situation.

A rictus.

Yeah, like a rictus.

But I think it's a convincing rictus.

But sometimes I can feel it cracking and I can see my eyes deadening, you know what I mean?

What a great gift.

Yeah, that's a great gift.

Thanks, man.

And it's very handy size as well.

It's so handy.

Because I can pop it right in the bin and it'll fit really easily.

If you're in a confusing social situation, you can pick it out of your pocket and refer to it.

Exactly.

Hang on just one second.

That woman's sitting with her legs wide apart stroking a pencil and staring at me.

What does it mean?

With her top off.

Hold on a second.

Give me a minute.

These are the kind of signs that a band like MGMT might well be able to interpret.

Here they are with flash delirium.

I have to say, did you buy these crackers, Adam?

Yeah, I did, yeah.

They look low price.

Oh, they're luxury crackers.

Look at that.

Golf tees.

You got golf tees perfect because you love your golf.

I love golf.

You love your golf.

Do you know what I'll do?

I'll probably just stick them in the lawn for the sheer pleasure.

It's like putting thumbtacks in a wall.

Yeah.

I got a little mini opener and that's good because I love booze.

You love drinking.

On go the party hats.

It's noonish, isn't it now?

So a lot of people will be moving, heading lunchwards.

What's your joke, mate?

See if you can guess the punchline.

Okay.

What happened to the hyena who swallowed an oxo cube?

Now, you should be able to figure that out.

She got happened to the hyena.

Yeah.

What do hyenas do?

Laugh.

That swallowed an oxo cube.

What's oxo cube?

I was thinking... What do you make with an oxo cube?

Gravy.

Yeah, another word for gravy.

Soup.

No.

What is it?

Sauce.

Stock.

She became a laughingstock.

Yes!

But I thought it was going to be... He made a laughingstock of himself.

Oh.

I thought the punchline was going to be... He felt a little bobberil.

Ask me your one.

Okay.

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Come on.

You don't know that one.

On the Feast of Stevens.

I got Stephen in the street yesterday.

It's a surprise to still be being Stephen.

So how does... Deep and Crispin even.

Of course!

Hey listen, you've got loads of presents for me still, right?

I do, I do, I've still got two.

Do you want the big one or the small one?

And size is no indication of merit.

Don't go drawing conclusions from the sheer scale of the gift.

Well the last one I had was small, so let's have a big one.

Let's have a big one!

There's a big one.

A big one.

Now you're gonna like this.

If it's anything like as successful as the body language book, then we're in big trouble.

It's about the size of a box of tissues, ladies and gentlemen, and about the same weight.

And I would say that there's a plastic case on there.

Is it an action figure?

I bet that's my guess.

Have I guessed right?

Maybe.

It is an action figure.

And it's John Lennon, the New York years.

Wow.

Because I love playing John and Yoko with all my toys.

Tell us about it.

Describe it.

This will be fun.

Yeah, so it is a plastic... That's a tall figurine, isn't it?

That's got to be about 20, 25 centimetres.

Yeah, it's big.

As I said, you know, it's the size of a box of man-sized tissues.

So it's pretty big, and if you imagine an action figure that fills that kind of capacity, plastic box.

And Lennon in the New York years, what kind of a man was he in that period of his life?

He was rocking the blue denim look.

Blue jeans, he had that white t-shirt with New York written on it.

His arms are folded, aren't they?

He's defiant.

Absolutely, very much.

He's split from the Beatles.

Had a lot of hassle with immigration, but he'd finally settled in New York.

Living his own life.

Yeah, and spending his time in the Dakota building where of course he was to tragically end his life Some years later and as well as the figure it comes with an accessory doesn't it?

Oh, it's a wall.

That's the accessory is it?

It's a piece of authentic wall But it's this is this one of these action figures that it looks very much as if you are nothing sharp James You can't actually

Joe's stabbing the botch right now.

It looks like one of those kind of action figures that you can't really move.

Like, it's more of a model.

I wouldn't say it's... Does it call itself an action figure, even?

I don't know.

It's probably a figurine.

It's a collectible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's... It's valuable.

Yes, it's a model, really, rather than an action figure.

It's the kind of thing that you would... What would you do?

You would stand it on your mantelpiece next to all your other... next to your Beatles albums, maybe, and you could use it as a... as a CD bookend kind of thing.

Adam's now assembling it.

He's attaching the section of New York wall to a small stand.

Okay, and it's got two little bobbles where you stick his... And then his feet in.

It's very moving, isn't it?

Well, not literally.

It actually literally doesn't move.

And when you stand him up... Oh, look, he's standing sort of rakishly.

He's got a lot of toothed.

He's got a load of toothed.

I mean, he really... Although he is... One of his hands looks a little spare there.

Thanks, man.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you because... You know I'm a big Beatles fan.

I love John Lennon.

And you just went ahead and got me a model of John Lennon.

That was cheap.

That means a lot.

Oh look, his head moves round.

Sure it does, all the way round.

He's looking the wrong way.

I tell you what it says on the bottom of this John Lennon figurine.

Really?

Yeah.

She owns every image of John's.

So she owns likenesses.

Yeah.

Would you be happy if you died and your wife was left in total control of your image?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

I mean, she'd probably do a better job than I would.

Fair enough.

Yeah, I mean, Yoko does okay, doesn't she?

She does do.

There's not too much goofy stuff of John around, apart from this one item, which is ludicrous.

But no, thanks, man.

That's a nice little thing.

Disappointing?

Admit it if you're a bit disappointed.

Not in the least.

It would be good for this show to reflect a certain amount of disappointment for Christmas, because let's face it, for kids, sometimes prezzies can be disappointing.

And it's an important rite of passage to learn to deal with that kind of thing.

Yeah, look, I'll be honest with you.

This is something that I will never throw away.

I mean that.

But I'm never ever going to do anything with it.

It's just going to sit there on my shelf next to all my kind of SpongeBob SquarePants merchandise.

You could give it to the kids.

They might enjoy playing with it.

Yeah, what are they going to do?

Imagine the adventures.

I'm John Lennon.

Have I?

To them, it's just a random guy with glasses.

I'm going on a lost weekend.

Great.

It could be worth a lot when the new yellow submarine movie comes out.

What's going on here, Paul?

I've written a song.

I'm doing a cover of Stand By Me, Paul.

Dr Robert There by The Beatles.

They're a good band.

Don't know.

Have you heard of The Beatles?

No, I'm not really into The Beatles.

What's your problem with The Beatles?

I just haven't heard much of it.

Well, you should watch X Factor.

They had them on there the other day.

I will.

And they were good.

Everyone was singing their Beatles songs.

They did them really well, I thought.

Yes.

You know what I'd like to see on X Factor?

Is a Bob Dylan one.

Because they did a Bowie special the other day.

And that was quite, you know, moving.

Did they?

Yeah, they were singing Heroes.

Really?

Was Bowie present?

No, Bowie was not present.

You see, that's the difference between him and other artists.

Which other artists have turned up for their specials?

Well, that's a good question, isn't it?

I mean, Elton John wouldn't have turned up, would he?

Maybe nobody turns up.

McCartney turned up, famously.

Did he?

Yeah, yeah.

Did he?

He turned up.

But Bowie didn't turn up.

I'd like to see them doing a Bob Dylan special.

I think that would be very good and, you know, there's a lot of classic tunes there that they could really murder in an entertaining way.

It's a good context for protest, isn't it, the X Factor?

It is.

It's a switched on show.

It's very politicised.

It's a politically charged forum.

It's a politically charged forum and it's the ideal place for Bob Bob to put forward some of his more controversial and provocative song poets.

Don't call him Bob Bob though.

Bobbob, why not?

He doesn't like Bobbob.

That's his new name for the Nintendo generation.

That's demeaning.

It's not demeaning, it's empowering.

But listen, what?

Hey, these old-time stars, they're desperate for a bit of the X-Factor glitter.

Yeah.

They'll do anything.

I like it when you say hey at the beginning of your sentences.

It means I don't know what to say.

Hey.

Do you do that in your life?

Yes, hey.

You just think it engages the audience and then you've got them and then you just have to quickly think of what to do with it.

But it means that you're going to say a thought though, doesn't it?

You don't say it before like, hey, could you pass me that cereal?

No, sometimes I might do that.

See?

Hey, yeah, it's just a fun, upbeat word.

Hey, Crusader.

Have you any nuts?

I've got mixed nuts and raisins.

Salted cashews.

So, anyway, back to Bobo Dillon, right?

Bob Bob, if you remember, released a Christmas album last year, right?

We had lots of fun with it on this show.

Here's a little snatch, if you don't mind me saying, just to remind you.

Adman, it's Christmas, sorry.

And pretend that he's a circus clown.

So there you go.

That's old Bob-Bob with his special old Bob voice doing a bit of Christmassy sing-songery there.

So here's a track that was not included on the album.

This is exciting, Jones.

It's an exclusive that I'm going to play you now.

And no one's ever heard this before, right?

Are you ready?

For brand new... Tell us, I mean, what is it?

It's an old classic?

No, it's a new song that he's just written.

It's all about television ads at Christmas.

Have a listen.

There are ads that are meerkat-based loved by the nation.

And Halifax ads in the radio station.

But do you recall the most wonderful adverts of all?

Television ads at Christmas, festive advertising fun, kicking off around October, bringing happiness to everyone.

All of the famous people are coming out to sell you stuff.

Please give them all your money, because times are getting kind of tough.

Peter Kay is clowning around with Twiggy and Danny Minogue.

Ellie Goulding sings your song It sounds like it's gone slightly wrong Here's a brilliant Russell Brand book And one by Michael McIntyre They should keep you nice and toasty If you stick them on the fire He's the king of comedy, don't you know?

Look at all the supermarkets Look at all the crap they stock

Look at Jamie Oliver bouncing round He's a total Christmas man Selling you a giant turkey He's selling you some booze and pies Don't worry about your waistline Santa really likes big thighs

It will be Boxing Day with ads for all the sales.

Then the new year after that with diet ads, cause we're so fat.

Right now I'm so very happy, like I am when I watch Glee.

Watching all the festive adverts and dancing round my Christmas tree.

Oh, my bubbles.

He fell over.

And smashed his baubles.

He smashed a couple of his Christmas baubles.

You know, you know what that makes me think?

It makes me think, you know, does Dylan enjoy Christmas?

Is he having a happy Christmas?

Maybe he should watch Les Telly.

It sounds as if the adverts are dragging him down.

I can't tell in that Bob Dylan song if he likes the adverts or if he's annoyed about them.

I think he's annoyed by them.

Why?

Well, you can't stop watching them because they're so beautifully produced and they're so loud.

You know, I personally enjoy the Christmas adverts, don't you?

Um, yeah, I guess I do.

There's a lot of feuding parties going on, aren't there?

I mean, everyone's having a party.

Sure.

Little Woods are having one, M&S are having one.

Well, there was a big party, was the Tech That party a couple of years back.

Yes.

but now everyone's doing it.

And of course Iceland have one as well, don't they?

And they have different sorts of food at different parties, depending maybe on the socioeconomic bracket that the party holder lives in.

I mean, it's true.

I mean, M&S, that's a posh party.

Yes.

And they've got less food.

You're probably going to have your Stephen Fry's there, Jennifer Saunders.

Aerodite company, a large country house.

Yeah, book lined shelves.

warm log fires whereas the your iceland party i mean jason donovan in some tights of course not to impugn the food in any way whatsoever there's no value judgment being made here and they have a lot more food

They have a lot more food at the Iceland party.

It's like they're trying to overcompensate for something.

Well, because the standard of conversation is not so high, you're saying.

Do they have to fill their cup?

No, I thought maybe they can't afford a lot of food most of the year round, so having a lot of very cheap food makes everyone feel more festive.

You're on shaky ground there, Santa.

I mean, they've got prawn ice cream.

They've got all sorts of insane concoctions.

There's no rules in Iceland.

I'd much prefer... Don't get me wrong, I'd much prefer to be at the Iceland party.

I would never get you wrong.

I'd rather be at the Iceland party, because it's more down to earth.

Well, the people in the in the M&S party are snotty.

They're snoopy.

And they're so up themselves.

You've got Stephen Fry standing in the corner.

Boring, crunch.

He's probably drunk.

He's drunk out of his line.

On a ginger wine, do a great big long anecdote.

Twiggy is bitter.

She's bitter bitterly cold not personality wise.

She's she underdressed.

She's bitterly cold.

Where is it the ice them part?

You got Jason Donovan.

Do you hon Donna?

Yes You've got Jane McDonald and the cast of loose women and they're just they're just much more relaxed

But which party would Dylan go to?

Who are his celebrity friends in reality?

Does he hang out with other famous people, Bob Dylan?

Alicia Keys!

Oh really?

He likes Alicia!

Well he's probably at some Brooklyn hip-hop Christmas party then, isn't he?

With heavy beats.

That's right!

Don't you think?

Pastor!

Cos he's like a sort of roster.

Exactly.

He's sort of the first of the rappers, but... He's perapar the rapper.

Yeah, I liked him mentioning the Halifax radio station adverts.

That was my favourite ad of the year.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Because they're having a lot of fun in there.

How can you tune into that radio station?

I wish I knew.

I would like to download the podcast.

We should make our show a bit more like that, shouldn't we?

Oh, I've been trying to, but you are resisting.

You are resisting.

And Jamie Oliver, as well.

He's got a big advert, hasn't he?

His perfect Christmas, though.

Like, he went to go out.

You know the perfect Christmas hat?

He's setting up a perfect Christmas hat.

Well, you can win one, can't you?

You can win a deal?

Well, by now, someone has won the perfect Christmas hat.

Right, so your whole town or village can win a perfect Christmas, which seems to involve Jamie Oliver and a film crew turning up and blowing artificial foam snow.

Yeah.

All up in your house.

What happens because the weather's been all over the shot.

We're pre-recording this show.

I don't know if it is actually snowy this Christmas day where you are, listeners.

But it has been very snowy over the last few weeks.

What happens if Christmas Day turns out to be another blizzard?

Do they still spray or do they clear the snow away for you?

They would spray the foam snow on top of the real snow.

The real snow.

Yeah, it doesn't melt.

It's less dirty.

Yeah.

But I'd like to hear from the person that won that competition, because presumably that was awful.

Absolutely rubbish.

And then you're standing out there trying to get fake snow out of your mouth, watching kind of a bad projection of the snowman on someone's house.

Does Oliver turn up?

Does he turn up and cook for you?

Yeah, I would say.

He's happy about that, or is it a little bit of social, sort of forced bonermy?

I imagine they're paying him.

It's probably okay.

We'd like to hear from you if you won Jamie's Christmas.

Maybe it was fantastic.

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree.

Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party.

And can there be a bigger made-up joke party than Christmas Day?

I mean, that's where all the unloved jokes like Little Orphans go, is crackers, of course.

Who makes them up, the jokes in crackers?

Well, funnily enough.

Is there a sort of standard text, do you think?

Do they all come from the same source?

Because they're kind of timeless.

You don't find contemporary gags, do you?

No, they never seem to change very much at all.

In fact, it seems to be a kind of unspoken agreement amongst the community of the world that they'll never actually improve very much at all.

Who were crackers invented by?

Ah, well that's an interesting question.

Sarah Cracknell.

Yes.

From the band St.

Etienne.

Yeah, she invented them.

Really, when she cracked one off.

Yeah.

And one of the other members of St.

Etienne trapped it in a glass.

That's not the expression.

He tried to say farted.

That cracked one off is a different thing.

Oh, is it?

Well, yeah, and I know.

Anyway, she cracked one off and he trapped it in a glass.

And one of the other members of Centetion, Bob Stanley, caught it in an old toilet roll that he had nearby, trapped it.

Right, here we go.

And he wrapped it in colored paper as a stinky surprise, right?

Happens.

And that is how crackers were invented.

That would be dangerous, though, if you really did it that way, because the little cracker strip inside could ignite that gas.

That's true.

There'd be a little explosion.

That would be a good twist for crackers.

Although maybe that's how the explosion works, how it's powered.

Anyway, listen, we're getting off the subject.

We've got a few made up jokes from listeners to this programme that have been tweeted and texted in.

And do you want to start this one, Joe?

Sure, yeah, we've been canvassing made up jokes.

And of course, the criteria here is that they've got to be authored.

And we've become pretty good at kind of fishing out the ones that we think have been written by someone else.

But as a result, some of these can be pretty demented, right?

And the list we got in front of us here reaches new levels of dementia.

Have you looked through them, Adam?

I've seen a couple of them, but I'm coming to these more or less cold.

OK.

Like the weather.

Here's one from Stephen Riley.

Here we go.

Why was the Welsh pigeon who lives in a hive disappointed that the festive season was over?

I don't know.

Die wish it could be Christmas every day.

So let's break that one down.

Welsh pigeon.

Die wish.

That's a Welsh name.

Who lives in a hive.

Be.

Is there no pigeon?

There we go.

Cooled.

And that's it.

How is wishing lives in a hive connected?

Why was the Welsh pigeon who lives in a hive disappointed that the festive season was over?

Die wish it could be.

Yeah.

That's absolutely.

That's three different things there into one line from a famous song.

That's clever, isn't it?

He could have put Die again at the end.

Die wish it could be Christmas every die.

Nice job there, Steven.

Congratulations.

Here's one from Slab Squat Thrust.

That's a good name, Slab Squat Thrust.

I mean, that's the kind of name that I would name a son of mine or something.

What do you get if you cross James Bond and an after eight?

A mint spy.

Now, I don't even understand that one.

What?

How?

What's not to understand?

A mint spy.

Oh, now I understand it.

Yeah.

Like, a mint spy is a Christmasy thing.

A mint and a spy.

A mint spy.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Can that be made up?

I mean, that's a brilliant Christmas joke as well.

Thanks, Slab Squat Thrust.

How about this one from Steve Wells?

What did Jonah Louis – this is for maybe older listeners who can remember Christmas number ones from the past – what did Jonah Louis say when he turned vegetarian at Christmas?

Stop the carvery.

That's good.

That's a good six music joke.

Good six music joke.

Because, you know, he's an artist.

I mean, everyone will know that song.

That's a classic song.

Here's one from Grant Solo.

Hey, I'm going on holiday to Narnia this Christmas.

I booked it at a well-known travel agent, Thomas Cook.

That's a character from Narnia.

Thomas.

Yeah.

Thomas sounds like Thomas.

That's right.

Sounds like Thomas!

Oh, getting aggressive.

Being very aggressive on Christmas Day.

Just trying to fill the blank void with some sort of emotion.

That's what I'm trying to do in my life too.

Sorry.

Oh, this is from Songwar Manga as well.

Have we already read out one by Songwar Manga?

No, not yet.

Okay, Songwar Manga says, What is the Three Kings and Shepherds' favourite song?

I repeat, What is the Three Kings and Shepherds' favourite song?

Major Zone by Kenny Boggins.

Now Song Warmunga has, I'm going into analysis very quickly there just to fill the silence.

Song Warmunga has included Boggins in there for us Kenny Loggins, Boggins.

Major Zone of course sounding like Danger Zone.

That's a single letter replacement which is an acceptable criteria for a joke statistically.

I mean, swapped and removed letters from Boggins and swapped one word from Danger Zone.

Mm-hmm.

Fail to really, uh, preface or foreshadow Kenny Loggins in the setup line.

Oh gosh, I stopped listening.

Did you?

Yeah.

Well that's where you made your mistake.

Because now you can't follow what I'm saying.

No, I absolutely stopped.

I'm just giving Songwamunga some tips for next year.

If he or she had included some aspect of luggage in the setup line, the punchline would have worked a bit better.

Blondie there with heart of glass.

She's like the kind of woman that Santa would hang out with, I think.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Why do you think that?

I can just imagine her in sort of a red skirt, you know, with a fluffy white edge.

The same kind of stuff that Santa would wear, but a sexy version.

When you picture Santa in your head, which popular media portrayal of Santa do you tend to think of?

You know, the fizzy drink version.

Okay.

Not the Dudley Moore version.

No.

Not the Santa Claus the movie version?

Well, what does he look like in that?

Just a big jolly fat old fellow with rosy ruddy cheeks.

So the same as the Coca-Cola one, really, but I like to picture him in that very toy factory.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he has a Santa-mobile, doesn't he, in that?

He has some sort of flying car.

Yes, he does.

He's got a good one, a good high-powered one.

Well, I guess one of my favorite Santas, you get to see Santa an elf, the movie, right?

Yes.

I mean, that's pretty much my favorite portrayal of Santa and also the working environment of the elves.

Yes.

I really love that film, and that was our family film last year, in fact.

Have you got one lined up for this year?

I haven't, not yet.

Before that, like, we had the Bourne film for the adult films.

Okay.

And something, Master and Commander was a good one.

Yes.

Shawshank Redemption was the good one.

The Shawshank Redemption, that's a popular one, yeah.

Yeah, that's like the number one favourite film.

We used to watch that round at Christmas before it was announced.

Yes, it's really moving.

It's a good one.

He's dug a hole in the wall and covered it up with a poster.

Well, it's hard finding films that cross all the various taste and generational boundaries.

For Christmas, it's true.

That unifies all the different generations.

And Groundhog Day is obviously one of the best ones.

You go for quite modern films, don't you?

Well, what would you say?

What's a good one?

I mean, I'm not gonna go for It's a Wonderful Life.

My dad wouldn't stand for it.

Yeah, he would just bore on about.

Soon as Benny Hill came out.

Big sumptuous children's musicals like that.

That's true, isn't it?

I know, it's all dark.

You have to go dark and you have to have seen the previous seven.

What about an amazing stand-alone lavish children's musical?

Could you have it, though?

Things are too cynical.

They would try and stuff them full of... We could do it.

We could write the songs.

They'd stuff them full of adult jokes and stuff.

No, we wouldn't.

No, would we not?

No, it would be brilliant.

All right, men, it's time for me to give you a present.

Oh, that's very exciting.

Um, here you go.

Thank you very much.

This is a personalised gift.

I don't know what you're going to make of this one.

Is it homemade?

Kind of.

Kind of homemade.

It's fragile.

It's wrapped in a rubber band.

It is fragile.

It's come a long way, I tell you.

Has it?

Yeah.

Wow, sir.

Maybe it's from New York.

You went to New York, didn't you?

But far further afield even.

Further than that.

Is it from Australia, mate?

It's not far.

That would be really exciting.

Not that far.

Not that far again.

Wrapped in the Daily Mail.

This time the Female section.

My favourite section.

Oh.

Oh, well, this is peculiar.

Oh, no, it's a little book, isn't it?

It's in a plastic bag.

It's multi-coloured.

It's small and square.

It's got a fish on it.

It's a little notebook.

It's a notebook.

It's from the Maldives.

Yeah.

And it says notebook Maldives.

It's got a fish and some sand.

And it's written.

It's actually handwritten.

So Adam has bought this notebook.

And my God, he's written.

He's written a...

I did a little picture in the back.

I flipped to the back and it's a little bit, a little bit fruity.

I'll read it to you.

Can I read it?

Is it suitable for reading?

Yeah, it's suitable for reading.

You page one.

Profound Maldives thoughts.

I went to the Maldives with my boy.

From ad, Christmas 2010.

Thought number one.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away.

Like now.

And that's a quote from Bass Hunter.

And where did he say that, Bass Hunter?

I think maybe his first album.

Really?

Yeah.

Here's a quote from Andy Peters, who some of these quotes are real, some of them made up.

You have to guess which.

Quote, Save up your pennies because try buying nice things without pennies.

You can't.

That's Andy Peters.

Does he pay for everything in pennies?

Sure he does, he's got a big saxophone.

Here's a quote from Pixie Lot.

Sandals are just shoes with a lot less material.

That's a made up one.

That's a made up one, but she's right.

She can't spell sandals.

No.

But that's, you don't need to spell to be a great musician.

Here's a quote from Dr Buckles, who is actually you.

Funny thing to say when you're playing Scrabble and your opponent starts moaning that they've got no good letters.

A bad word man blames his tiles.

A bad workman blames his tools.

A bad workman blames his tiles.

Because you like playing Scrabble, right?

I love playing Scrabble.

Here's another one.

Peter Andre, you've got to be so careful, mate.

No, this is a good one.

Peter Andre, quote, you've got to be so careful, mate.

Just watch yourself.

Watch out for that there.

Mate!

Paundre, I can't stop reading them.

That's a good quote, isn't it?

Maybe we'll do some more in the next link.

This is amazing.

And Angelina Jolie's coming up.

This is very, very impressive.

Well, you know, you always give me such good personalised, like you gave me a lovely personalised gift at Glastonbury when we were there.

Didn't I?

That's true, and now you're returning the favour.

Yeah.

Here's a made up joke.

Did you know that Ridley Scott has a lazy cousin who's never done anything with his life?

No, what's his name?

He's called Diddly Squat.

Yes!

That's good.

There's a quote from Angelina Jolie here.

Yeah.

Let's tease that.

We're going to tease that.

That's good radio.

We're going to hear that quote from Angelina Jolie.

How do you say her second name?

Yeah, Jolie.

She's married to Dom Jolie.

Good.

We'll hear that in a second after this, whatever it is.

This is Martha Reeves in the Vandalas and love is like a heatwave.

Martha Reeves in the Vandalas and heatwave.

This is Adam and Jo here on Christmas Day on BBC Six Music.

It's time for the news.

Hey, this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music in our Christmas shack.

fire going, nice little bit of music.

It's very cosy.

We still have a bit of drinking, haven't we?

Yeah.

Earlier this morning.

A little time.

And frankly, um, I'm feeling a bit maudlin.

Are you?

Are you getting a bit depressed?

Well, I think I went too hard too fast on the little boozy poo.

That's what happens on Christmas Day though sometimes.

It does, doesn't it?

And now I'm feeling, I wouldn't say maudlin is the right word, reflective.

Mmm, I'll tell you what you should do though, if you're feeling like that.

Stick around for another half hour.

After our show, you got Richard Hawley here on Six Music from 1pm.

He's gonna pick you right the heck up.

Is he?

And maybe even indulge some of your modernity as well.

Because he's got double skills on him.

He's got a profound soul.

Did you ever see that film exit via the gift shop about that?

Yeah, I liked that.

Well, he's responsible for that opening track, that amazing song about going out in the streets.

He's cool.

He's great, isn't he?

So listen, a while ago I teased an extraordinary quote by the film actress Angelina Jolley.

Mmm, Tom Jolley's husband.

She starred in the film Salt.

Yeah.

Did you see the film Salt?

You know, that was an option on the plane when we were flying to the Maldives recently, but I skipped it in favour of The Kids Are All Right.

Did you see her in the film The Changeling?

No, no.

You know, generally I avoid her.

What's the last film by Angelina Jolie that you saw?

I'll tell you exactly what it was.

It was... Tomb Raider.

It was Tomb Raider and we watched it when we were on our honeymoon in Las Vegas on September the 10th, 2001.

Oh!

Yeah.

Just before the world changed.

I'm afraid so.

Forever.

So it was the last thing we saw in the old world.

So here's Jolie Jolie's quote.

Quote, I can't change the direction of the wind but I can wage the correction of the didn't.

That's classic jolly.

That's classic jilly jolly.

She's a deep thinker, what can I tell you?

She's got big brains.

She's got giant brains.

Only this year did I come across a viral smash from last year, Billy Bob Thornton being interviewed on Q Radio in Canada.

Have you ever seen that?

No.

It is staggering.

Listeners, if you've never seen this clip, go and look it up on YouTube right now, right?

It's unbelievable.

He's there, Billy Bob Thornton, with his band, his execrable kind of beat combo, and they're called the Boxmasters.

They sound a little bit like the band in That Thing You Do, the Tom Hanks film, if you remember that.

Anyway, he's on there, and the DJ is being very respectful and polite, and making an extra effort not to ignore the other members of the band, because obviously most people would focus on Billy Bob Thornton being a famous award-winning actor and playwright.

But anyway, that doesn't stop Billy Bob Thornton getting incredibly annoyed about the fact that the DJ in his opening introduction just simply mentions the fact that Billy Bob Thornton is a well-known actor and a talented man in other respects.

So there then follows about five or six minutes of Billy Bob Thornton refusing to answer any of this DJ's questions in a normal way.

He just gives these childish,

sort of cryptic responses until finally the DJ says, you're right, have I upset you?

And he's like, yeah, you have upset me, actually.

We agreed that you wouldn't mention the fact that I am an actor at all during this interview and you just went ahead and mentioned it.

It's just ridiculous.

And it's the most tense atmosphere as well that you've ever seen in a, the DJ's a genius.

He handles it so well.

You got to see the clip.

I'd like to see the clip.

I'm going to go have a look at it now.

Let's have some more present-giving, because I've still got one more present.

Shall we have that after this next track?

Which is The Beach Boys.

And Little Saint Nick.

I love this on a Christmas day.

That was The Beach Boys with Little Saint Nick.

This is Joe Cornish.

I'm joined by Adam Buxton here in the BBC Six Music Studio.

It's Christmas Day 2010.

What do you want to ask me about?

I'd like to ask you about the future.

Well, the future.

What's coming up next year?

What are the major events going to be?

Oh, I can tell you.

Unexpected events.

Mmm.

Around about March, a brand new exciting pop star will emerge.

The pop star will have ten foot feet and a very, very long pair of ears.

And they're going to be called Earsy Feet.

And they'll play a new kind of music.

Anything else?

What will happen in the world of... Sport?

Sport!

Honestly, if my sporting career carries on as it has been, I've been like a sport dad.

I've been going to rugby with my... That's the terrible irony of life, isn't it?

Father who hates sport has kids who love him.

And I have to pretend.

But it keeps him occupied doesn't it?

And then the other dads come up to me and they start chatting to me about rugger and sport balls.

Well this may help you.

Really?

I saw this and I could not not buy it for you.

Oh good one.

Thanks man.

I'm handing Adam his presents.

This is a small presents, very light.

Any idea what that could be?

I mean it could be a wrist watch.

The size of it?

Why would you give me a wristwatch?

Funny wristwatch?

What could it be?

Could it be... No, it's a funny wristwatch.

Is it?

Yes!

Yeah, I didn't finish that rap beat yet.

I just guessed it, didn't I?

Yeah, you guessed it.

It's an arsenal wristwatch.

Because who's your favourite team?

What's your favourite sport?

Sportball.

Arsenal.

Are they the Gunners?

I don't know, possibly.

They've got a cannon, don't they?

Yes, look, they're the Gunners.

Put it on.

I mean, that can get you out of all sorts of sticky situations, dude, and into some as well.

It's clearly made of plastic, listeners, and it has a lurid red velcro strap, which I am attaching right now.

I would say that it's designed.

Arsenal fans can't do, you know, they need Velcro.

Yeah, exactly.

They can't do like... Do you call those things prongs and dots?

Yeah, prong dots.

I'm having a bit of trouble attaching Velcro myself.

They can't do conventional fastening systems.

It's not going well for buckles either.

They're made to be an Arsenal fan.

And it's clearly meant for an under five, this watch, I would say.

And at my next...

Sportball, I've done it, I've done it.

At my next sportball match, when I'm coaching my son, I will be wearing this watch.

Do you want to hear me coaching my son?

Yes.

I made a recording of it the other day.

Here you go, this is me coaching Frank.

Hold it, prop the nutties, prop the nutties!

You're not propping them, prop the nutties, you're not propping them!

There you go.

Nicely done.

Beautifully propped.

Okay.

Down the bowl.

Move it round the bowl.

Rock it.

Rock it up and down.

Nice bundle.

That's a bundle.

No bundling.

Go for a nice drive.

Go for a lovely drive.

Beautiful scenery.

Dad, no.

What?

I'm being a coach man.

Dad, shut up.

OK.

That's a little sketch there for you.

Is it old?

No, that's brand new.

A recording of me coaching my son.

Did you not play a rugby at school?

Not really.

Those are real rugby terms.

Yeah.

I used to do rugby.

Rock over?

That was the fly half.

What's a rock over?

What the hell is that?

That's when you jump over the rock.

Is it?

Probably.

Did you used to do rugby?

Yeah.

You're too long for rugby, aren't you?

I used to be the fly half, the wing man.

I used to be the one on the outside and they chucked the ball along and I took it and ran.

Wing Commander Cornish.

Then fell over.

Sometimes I was the hooker.

Really?

I mean, I say sometimes, once.

I didn't like it.

No.

I didn't like shoving my head between other boys' buns.

Exactly.

And then getting it, like, into my neck hurt.

Stuff your head into their muddy butox.

How is that fun?

I didn't like the showers afterwards.

No.

Nothing about it was good.

And sometimes, did you ever get in one of those communal bath things we had?

Yes.

Like a mini swimming pool you get in there and the water would be black with bits of turf and other things floating around on top of it.

You'd get in there.

You'll do this to your own son.

He loves it though.

Usually about 10 minutes in he goes, can we go home now, Dad?

The cycle of violence perpetuated down the generations.

No, keep, keep rucking over!

You will state to the end of the match.

That's how it goes.

Anyway, listen, man, thank you so much for my sport words.

It's all right, that's all right.

That's the best present.

Don't you think that's the key present of the day in terms of my presence to you?

That's the best one, wouldn't you say?

Ah, Snill.

Pass, Snill.

1-0.

What would you say, like, if you're wearing that watch and we're at a match?

Yeah.

And I say, oi, Ed, what's the time, mate?

I say, ooh, 10 pass ball.

Correct.

Here's Groove Armada.

That was Groove Armada with Paper Romance.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music on Christmas morning and we've been exchanging presents recently in the last couple of hours.

What presents?

And I gave Adam a very wonderful present.

The gift of the songbook to Lady Gaga's album Fame Monster with all the, you know, simple to play bar chords in there.

Yeah, it's really amazing.

Yeah.

Such a lot to think about as

well when you when you lyrically lyrics and stuff yeah it's fame I assumed that fame was a fun thing it's a monster and then when you factor in Gaga herself a personality the way she's dressed yeah her fashion a lot to think about absolutely sighting for young people you know it's very easy to be cynical about Lady Gaga and if you knew that

But while we were playing that record and, you know, during the little breaks we've had in the show, you've been working on your rendition of a particular Lady Gaga song, haven't you?

Yeah, well, you know, quite sincerely, Telephone was one of the big songs of the year, that Ludacris video, and I actually downloaded the song and I listened to it.

with my ears.

And I was quite impressed.

I thought it was quite good.

Sort of heartening that a big massive phenomenon like that actually has some worth to it, I thought.

Yeah.

Well, she'll be glad.

She's been worried about what you're going to think.

Exactly.

She's been a bit depressed because... And often when you make your announcements, people... Listen, I know.

It's Christmas Day.

That's my gift to Lady Gaga.

That's very good of you.

That I thought one of her songs was all right.

However, not so good for Dr. Buckles because it's not very easy to play on the guitar.

Despite the handy chords that were included in the book you got me, I couldn't get them to sound anything like telephone.

So what I did was I quickly opened up GarageBand and did kind of an acapella backing track, a bit of beatboxing in there.

But I'm going to start by playing the introduction on the guitar, an approximation thereof, and I'm going to try and sing along at the same time.

Oh, this is not a good idea, is it?

So I don't really understand.

How much of this is going to be live?

So you've put together a backing track?

Yeah, after my initial

guitar intro.

Yeah.

The backing track noises you hear will be the stuff that I've done.

Previously recorded, but you are going to sing now live for us.

Yeah.

I think you should just go for it.

Okay.

I'm going to have a go.

Here we go.

Hello, Joey.

Where you trying to call me?

Sorry, I was busy in the lavatory, you see.

What did you say?

You're breaking up for me.

Sorry, I cannot hear you.

I'm kind of busy, kind of busy, kind of busy.

Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy Just a second, it's my favourite song they're going to play And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, ay You should've made plans with me, you knew that I was free And now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy Stop, stop, calling, calling, I don't wanna think anymore

I got my head and my heart on the dance floor Stop calling, stop calling I don't wanna talk anymore I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor Stop telephoning me I'm kinda busy Stop telephoning me

More!

More, I want more.

What's going on with the backing track?

This is... I was quite pleased with this bit.

That's quite good.

How are you doing that?

With my mouth.

Thank God.

This is all like real beatboxing here.

This is good.

Thanks a lot, man.

No, stop it James.

It was good, it was good.

It's torture.

Well, that was terrific.

Well done.

I mean, in a way you, you know, many ways you succeeded.

It was really good for a start.

But in some other ways, you know, it wasn't very guitar-y.

It wasn't that guitar-y.

Like the lyrics started off, I changed the first couple of lines so that they were sort of, this is Joe playing now.

That's guitar-y.

That's too good, you see.

Yeah.

And then I just went with the real lyrics.

I couldn't even sing the real lyrics and it was a disgrace.

Really is what it was.

It was like a slap in the face of Santa.

In the disgrace face.

So listen, we should have some real music before we say goodbye, because we're almost at the end of the show, which is very sad.

But right now here is Beck.

This is Gamma Ray.

That was Beck with his Gamma Ray.

Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Folks, we've pretty much come to the end of our Christmasy show today.

Don't forget to stick with six music for Richard Hawley, who's coming up next.

That should be fantastic.

But thanks for joining us, listeners.

We've had a lovely time this morning here in our little shack outside the castle.

It's time to wee on the fire and clear up all the rubbish.

And just drink more, I think.

Are you good at clearing up as you go in your house during Christmas?

Well, we recycle and I will spend a lot of time tearing the tape off the edges of the wrapping paper so it can be fully recycled.

Good for you.

And I may well be opening presents with wrapping paper that I remember from up to 10 or 11 years ago.

And are you quite frugal when you're doing your wrapping?

Am I frugal with paper?

Yes, with paper.

Paper?

Uh, yeah, I try and, yeah, I don't over-wrap.

I mean, it's a terrible waste, Adam.

It's a terrible waste!

Do you know about trees?

I do know about trees.

There's not many of them left.

Listen, I love my wife, right?

She's the best.

And, uh, she's just great in many ways.

She over-wraps.

Does she?

like by twice as much sometimes.

I loathe your wife.

And she's destroying the planet.

Well, exactly.

She's single-handedly destroying the planet.

And the thing is that when I try and say, because I get very antsy when I see her doing it, I'm like, do you want me to rap that?

I could probably do that if you want.

Do you want me to rap that?

I could do it if you want.

I love you.

Um, she doesn't like it.

She just goes, oh, just stop nagging, will you?

She doesn't like it.

And I'm like, I'm not really nagging.

I'm trying to save the human race is what I'm trying to do.

Well, that's disgusting.

And she should be stopped.

She'll probably be stopped by some sort of legislation.

And the other thing is that, you know, I've gone out and I bought those bracelets, those tape bracelets.

You know what I'm talking about?

It's a little tape dispenser mounted on a springy.

What are you laughing like that for?

Or it's a brilliant idea.

That's good, that's good.

A tape mounted wristwatch kind of thing.

It's a tape, a wrist mounted tape dispenser and it dispenses small strips of tape which are all you need to do the job.

Maybe three or four strips per prezi is all you need.

My wife's got the massive roll.

She's just tearing out great long hunks of the stuff.

Sometimes she'll leave it twisting so it gets all twisted on itself.

So she thinks, ah, she discards that one, pulls out another great long bit, wraps it all around.

She needs to be taught a lesson.

Who's going to teach her?

If she was in a chapter of some Roald Dahl, you know, tales the unexpected.

Oh, yeah.

There'd be some, some twist.

Well, she'd end up getting wrapped up herself, wouldn't she?

She'd get tangled up and wrapped up.

So, yeah.

And then she'd be ripped open by lots of little devil children and they'd pull her limb from him.

Whoa, whoa.

Hey, what?

That's my wife you're talking about.

It's Christmas Day.

She's lovely.

She's absolutely wonderful.

She is.

She's the best.

So on that image, a woman wrapped in Christmas paper being pulled limb from limb by tiny, satanic children.

We bear thee farewell.

We featherbed thee.

And thank you so much for listening.

We're so sorry that we haven't been with you more this year.

Listeners, we really miss you guys and we very much hope we'll be seeing more of you in 2011.

We can't give you an exact date for when we'll return.

And we should draw attention to a sort of... A forago?

A forago, a sort of ill-considered aside that was dropped during our Christmas video on the Adam and Jo website.

Yeah, we made a little video on the website and people assumed that some of the things... And you used the words for the last time.

Yeah, yeah.

Didn't you?

Well, it was only accident.

I didn't mean it was going to be the last thing we ever do.

So we will be back here on BBC Six Music.

It's just a question of figuring out exactly when, right?

Yeah, my schedule is very busy.

Joe's not really doing anything at this time at the moment.

He's twiddling his thumbs.

But I've got a lot of exciting irons in the fire.

And when I figure out where those irons are going to go, then hopefully we'll be back.

and just watch the, if you care or interested, just watch the Adam and Jo website here at 6 Music and we'll announce as soon as we come back, but we're very much looking forward to it in the new year, right?

Yeah, have a great one, listeners.

Enjoy the rest of your Christmas here on 6 Music.

Stick around for Richard Hawley, don't forget, and have a wonderful 2011.

Thanks, listeners.

Merry Christmas!

Love you, bye!

Bye!