the radio, there'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then eventually the whole thing will just end.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Anybody behind the castle gates?
Excuse me!
What do you want?
I'd like to come in for Adam and Joe's Christmas Hut.
Every year they do a special show from inside their Christmas Hut by the walls of the castle.
Wait a second are you young Billy Barnacles?
Yes I am Billy Barnacles.
I knew your dad Bobby Barnacles.
He was a git!
Now go away!
But please, I wish to come into the castle to enjoy the fiddles and warm fire of Adam and Jo's Christmas hunt.
Please!
Fiddles and warms, you say?
Very well, I shall raise the portcullis for you, but just as once as it's Christmas strokeboxing day.
Oh no, I've changed my mind, I don't want to come in.
Well, be off with you and stop wasting my tiny little pods!
Alright, bye bye.
Hey, how you doing, listeners?
That was a little pre-show panto for you there.
There'll be more of that kind of thing later on in the show, but it's our special Boxing Day show.
We've just arrived here in the studio.
This is Adam.
This is Joe.
That was to set the scene, the big British castle.
All covered in snow.
All the hills around.
All covered in snow.
All the villagers and the horses and the dogs and cats and ponies.
More covered in snow.
And the little hut, which sits outside the castle walls.
We've actually dug a little Great Escape style hole under the castle walls.
Because the foundations aren't very deep.
Shoddy cowboy building.
Yeah.
It was built by George Lamb.
The hut was it?
Yeah.
When he was a builder.
George Lamb the hut.
Yeah.
That's his actual full name.
Lamo the Hutt.
Yeah, Lamo the Hutt.
It was built by George Lam.
Steve Lamac lives in the eaves of the hut.
Yes, he's protected by various, you know, laws to protect various bat species.
Yeah, and he was found living on the site when George Lam came to erect the hut, so they weren't allowed to move Lamo.
because he's protected as Joe pointed out.
So he's up there somewhere in the rafters.
But listen, it's cold in this little hut, boy.
Have you ever mentioned Liz Kershaw?
Liz Kershaw.
She's underneath the hut.
What do you mean?
There's a little, there's like a bunker.
Right.
She's down there in the bunker.
Right.
I don't know what she gets up to down there.
What is she getting up to down there?
I think she's mixing herself a little cocktail and reading the music papers.
And smoking a fag!
Not that she does, that's terrible.
No, exactly.
So yeah, boy, and it's freezing in here.
We need a fire.
Are you gonna stoke the big metal... I'll light up the fire thing.
Yeah, I've... there we go.
Popped some logs in there.
What are you using for logs there?
Logs.
Actually, they're reconstituted environmentally friendly logs.
Ah, your logs.
They are, yeah, they're made of, uh, they're made of actually dead humans.
And then, what are you, but what kind of book are you burning?
You're burning a book there.
I'm burning Fahrenheit, um... 9-11.
No, the other one, the... 4-5-1.
Bradbury, yeah.
That's ironical, isn't it?
Well, that's why I'm burning it.
Yeah, that's a switcheroo on Bradbury.
And you know what I'm also gonna do?
I'm gonna pop a DVD of Front Sweat Truffo's Big Scream version of that book on as well.
Ooh.
Hey, how about Burn After Reading as well?
Put that in there.
Yeah, I'm going to put that in there as well.
Yeah, yeah.
How about Burn Hollywood Burn?
Wow.
Directed by Alan Smithy.
This is such a pop-cultural, meta bonfire.
Stick it all on the bonfire.
Hey, that's nice I'm getting toasty.
You want a bit of music?
That would be lovely.
I thought this year we would listen to the Booker T and the MG's Christmas album, which we have listened to for the last Christmas.
What, in the background, or are we going to actually listen to every track?
We're gonna listen.
No, no in the background.
Yeah, we'll carry on talking over the topic nice.
Yeah, let's see we're gonna kick off with jingle bells here You know when I bought this album I thought this has got to be like I love book it in the mgs, right?
Obviously who doesn't so a Christmas album from the Memphis group.
That's got to be the best thing ever
No, it's not really.
But it does the job for Boxing Day.
So, listeners, happy Boxing Day.
We hope you've had a fantastic Christmas Day and we hope you're full of all sorts of festive warmth.
You know, Boxing Day has a very particular atmosphere, doesn't it?
It's sort of the calm after the storm.
You've got a very full tummy.
You should hopefully be placated in terms of greed.
You shouldn't feel you need any more material goods.
And you should be purely kind of wallowing in love.
Do you know what I mean?
Like a shallow dish of love.
I used to find it a very depressing day.
Did you?
Yeah, because the gifts, like in our house, we would have Christmas Eve presents, we would have Christmas Eve Eve presents sometimes.
I want to say present, like very small little stocking full of gifts, right?
But as a tease, as a build up to the big present giving bonanza on the Christmas day.
I can't help feeling it's a bit of a curse for your family.
Why?
Well, you're very- you love a big sort of- you love lots of presents at Christmas, don't you?
Sure.
And you've carried that over to your own family now, haven't you?
Well, I'm trying to rein it in because I realised that it's unusual.
Well, that's good, that's good.
I do want to go mental.
Well, that's the point I was going to make, that you might go mental, but it sounds as if you're on top of that already.
More or less.
I think it's good to give your kids paper clips.
Do you?
Sand.
Yeah, you wait till you have children.
See how that goes down.
Well, you have to start that way.
Laser mud, maybe.
Remote control sand, fine.
But otherwise, listen, we are going to crack out some booze and some food in just a second.
But first, let's play some music.
This is one of the acts that has done extremely well in 2009.
And I'm sure great things are in store for her in 2010 too.
That's a little DJ type build up to Florence and the Machine, Joe.
Did you enjoy it?
Yeah, I did.
Here's a track called You've Got the Love.
Florence and the Martian there with You've Got the Love.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music special Boxing Day show, which we have to tell you in the interests of transparency is pre-recorded listeners.
So you probably shouldn't text or email us today because unfortunately, we won't be able to read your messages.
But we have simulated the precise psychological, emotional and physical conditions of Boxing Day.
Yeah, exactly.
Our producer, James, has wrapped the studio with tinsel.
Yeah, really nice job, James.
And this isn't a lie.
We couldn't lie.
We can't lie on the BBC.
We'd be immediately fired.
So we're genuinely sitting in a very tinsel-y environment.
Listen, you can hear it.
And he's even put little flashy lights.
Fairy lights.
Yeah, they're called fairy lights.
And he's put them around the microphone.
See if you can hear this one blinking on and off.
No, you can't.
These are special fairies.
He's actually got, he's gone out and he's harvested real fairies.
He's put fairies inside little glass test sheets.
And he's jammed their feet into like electrical sockets.
It's quite troubling.
I mean, you might be able to hear a tiny little scream if I put it even closer to the mic.
Listen.
That's the sound of a fairy screaming when... It seems cruel, but the effect is absolutely bewitching.
240 volts are passed up one leg and down the other.
Because they've got very strong little wings, so what happens is the electricity lights up the wings in a very pleasing fashion.
And their eyes flash as well.
It's very bewitching, but also disturbing.
But hey, that's Christmas.
That is Christmas.
You know, some fairies have got to suffer.
That's what we're saying.
They're fine.
The fairies are fine.
But listen, folks, I didn't have enough food and booze yesterday, so I want more right now.
I definitely want a bit of booze.
And as we've always said every year, listeners, Boxing Day morning, even though it's, you know, just past 10, it's absolutely fine to drink.
It's the one day of the year when it's fine to drink unless you've got a serious problem.
In which case it's probably not.
It's not the day to fall off the wagon.
If you've made it, if you're on the wagon, right, and you've made it through this far.
Stay on that wagon.
Stay on the wagon, boy.
Because Boxing Day's not the day to fall off.
Have a little bit of fizzy water.
Yeah.
Some fizzy water.
Some lemon cordial.
A bit of fizzy lemon cordial.
Have some soda pop.
Oh.
Did you hear that, mate?
Nicely opened, mate.
That's the sound of a bottle of chompers.
Except you didn't pop it off so that it fired into the corner of the room and broke something.
Oh, I'll do that tonight when I'm on my own.
What's the problem?
What's your problem, mate?
Here we go.
There's a little glass of champagne for you.
How much champagne is in?
It's all bubbles, mate.
There's not very much, because frankly, Adam, I don't think you can handle it.
We're using paper cups.
And the way Joe's poured it, it's like about... It's a thimbleful with the rest of the thing all just bubbles.
Mm, fizzy.
Can you hear that?
Do you think the density of champagne bubbles is much smaller than the density of conventional bubbles?
Yes, I happen to know it is.
Is it?
Really?
We're not actually drinking champagne champagne.
Are we?
No, we're drinking UK sparkling wine.
It's organic though.
I mean, it is the same thing.
They're just not allowed to call it champagne because it's not from the champagne region in France.
Oh, dear.
Oh, spillovers.
Oh, that's embarrassing, isn't it?
Have you ever poured champagne before?
No.
It bubbled over.
My dad gets furious when someone pours champagne badly, because he's a wine punks.
So if there's any bubbling over and stuff, he just gets very agitated from the get set.
Now, what's your approach on eating decorations on the tree?
When are you allowed to eat the decorations on the tree?
Do you have to wait until Christmas Day to eat them?
It's disgusting.
Do you have to wait until the tree's taken down?
Sorry man, this is the most rank sparkling wine ever.
That's alright, this tastes nice.
Have you tasted it?
Yeah.
Tastes like bleach.
Busy bleach.
Pooey bleach.
It's got a little poo note hasn't it?
It does have a little pooey aftertaste.
Are you sure this is, what is this?
A little poo poo call back.
How organic is this?
Hang on, let me just read the label.
Chateau.
Where did you get it from?
Boggins.
I don't know what that could mean.
Where did you get it from?
I got it from the offy across the road.
It's not even the offy.
I got it from the news agent across the road.
You know what I had to do is go to the chill section, right?
Because they didn't have any chilled champagne.
So I had to pull out the bottles of wine in the chill cabinet.
And right at the back I could see some silvery foil stuff on the top of the bottle.
So I thought, ooh, look at the chilled champagne.
It wasn't, it was chateau boggins.
I think it's delicious.
I like the way your voice went.
Yeah, well that's the effect champagne has on me actually.
To bubble settle in the bottom of my windbag.
And I start speaking like this.
Yeah, absolutely.
Sorry, listen Charlie, you were asking about food.
Eating food off the tree.
Is it cool to eat it?
When is it cool to eat the chocky?
You're talking about sort of chocky decorations.
Chocorations.
I would say it's cool to eat those after you get your prezzies on the big day.
Really?
Yeah.
Do you not?
You couldn't have a little Santa just a couple of days before Christmas?
No one would notice.
What if it's from around the back of the tree?
Well, that's... A chalky centre.
Yeah, that's all right, isn't it?
Yeah.
No one's gonna notice.
No.
What's the big problem?
Do you think it's right to wrap pretend empty presents that just have polystyrene in them and hang that off the tree?
You know, I saw Matthew Wright talking about this on his show the other day.
Wicked.
That was the big topic of conversation.
Was it?
No, I'm joking.
Fake presents.
Do you think it's right?
Darrat, what was your question?
Do you think it's right?
I mean, this is a serious question.
It's a big question.
Do you think it's right to have fake presents under your tree to bulk up the visual effect?
That is a big question.
Or hanging off the tree?
No way!
Because when I was a kid and I saw a little wrapped up presy and I'd go up and sometimes when no one was looking I'd have a little peek under the paper and it would just be empty or hollow or polystyrene or something.
Where are you talking about here?
on people's Christmas trees.
In, like, human people.
Human people.
Not in shops.
Not in shops.
What?
You knew people that did fake presents.
Some people do that.
Well, sometimes they're just decorations, aren't they?
They're little present decorations.
That is a disgrace.
I'm not saying they're, like, simulated presents for their kids.
Yeah.
I'm saying they're decorative.
I know what you're saying, but still, that is the height of madness.
Well, then we agree.
Yeah, good.
All gift-wrapped objects must have something of value inside them.
Definitely.
Otherwise, the person who gift-wrapped that non-valuable object... Mm-hmm.
will be punished good speaking of gift wrapped object oh that was a bad sentence wasn't it that was a drink sentence flipping heck that was a glass of champagne it wasn't even a square one with that sentence bicker all right op it speaking of gift wrapped objects we have some gifts to give each other it's how the most horrible it was expensive as well 24.99 i thought for nearly 25 quid
Then it's got to be alright.
It is absolutely rankalocious.
I love it.
James, did we even give you a glass?
Have some.
You've got to taste it, James.
It is like paint stripper.
But yes, we're going to be giving each other gifts throughout the show.
We've dispensed with our usual features, ladies and gentlemen.
And as a Christmassy thing, as is tradition between myself and Joe, we're going to be giving each other gifts that we've bought each other.
But right now, here's some more music.
Joe is considering chomping a delicious chocolate Santa.
Oh my god, I've got a problem with this chocolate Santa.
Why?
What's the problem?
Well, it's Santa-shaped, but again, like my point about the presents, take the Santa wrapping off.
Feature-less.
Oh, right.
There's just lines.
There's just lines.
That's wrong.
What's happened to Christmas?
Now, here's the first of my free plays.
This is one of my favorite tracks from 2009.
A wonderful band, Wild Beasts.
They played a blinder on Jules Holland, incidentally.
I saw them on there and it was a real thrill.
The first real thrill I'd got watching a band on there for a long time, you know, just thinking, wow, this is what it's all about.
These guys, I want to snog them.
And this is called We Still Got the Taste Dancing on Our Tongues.
Oh, mate.
I love that.
Wild Beasts.
We Still Got the Taste Dancing on Our Tongues.
I've just been out to the Frigidaire and got...
the bottle of sparkling rosé wine that I also bought.
We haven't even finished the organic sparkling English wine.
The only way that that is salvageable is if someone had a pint of orange juice to make it a kind of Buck's Fizz, but we don't have any orange juice to hand.
Hello listeners, you're listening to Adam and Jo's special Christmas show on Boxing Day 2009.
It's lovely to have you along.
We're broadcasting from our little wooden hut just outside the walls of the big British castle.
We've got a lovely log fire and a bit of music playing.
Adam's popping open a bottle of rosé.
Right, I'm gonna pop this, I'm gonna slam this one into the ceiling of the- Oh, it's not fizzy though, mate, is it?
Yeah, it is.
Well, not if it's rosé.
Sparkling rosé.
Here we go.
Gonna smash this into the ceiling and I'm gonna try and see if I can knock Calamo off his perch up there.
What is happening?
Sorry, I'm screaming.
Here we go, here we go.
Trouble.
Oh, I'm going to drink, I'm glad.
I got him.
He's gone back to sleep again now.
Right, let's see if this is any better.
So is it present giving time?
It's present giving time.
We were saying earlier that of course the present giving is over for most of the country but here at the castle in our little hut Adam and I have yet to give each other our Christmas presents and every year we decide, what is it, three presents each?
Three presents each.
Yeah.
So every half an hour a present will be going either one way or another.
And I'm very excited about your presence that you've got for me.
Are you?
Well, did you genuinely like any of the ones I got you last year?
Can you remember any of them?
I remember the old copies of Smash Hits.
That's quite good, wasn't it?
That was a good one.
That's the only one I remember.
It wasn't Smash Hits, though.
It was Sky Magazine.
Sky Magazine.
Yeah, that one I remember.
The others I've blanked.
Sure.
Now, I'm going to... That's a terrifying question, to be honest.
Who's going to start?
Are you going to start or am I going to start?
No, I think you should give me one.
All right, then.
I'm gonna give you my worst one.
Okay, start at the bottom.
Yeah, start at the bottom, work your way up.
So, um, listen as this is a little silver package, it is, ooh, it's the shape of a sort of a large mince pie.
It's got a circular top and a kind of bowl-like bottom, just like me.
And it's got a little smiley-faced sticker on the bottom.
That's very nice.
Yeah, that's good.
I mean, you've gotten the extra distance there.
I'm trying to cheer you up.
A present adorned, and if I press it,
It clicks a bit like what's the board game which had a sort of clear dome in the middle and two dice under it?
And you would click it.
What the heck was that?
Is that Boggle or... Boggins.
Boggins, the board game?
Yeah, Coggle, Woggle, one of those.
Do you know the one?
I do know the one.
And you press it, it's sort of making that kind of sound.
And it would pound the dice around inside to randomise them.
There's a way to be able to roll dice without ever risking losing them.
That was a good way of doing it, because... It doesn't rattle though.
As we've spoken about games before, sometimes a dice strike...
Oh, it's a kind of novelty get your hands off.
He's reaching out.
I'm trying to touch it You know, I switched the batteries round so it wouldn't go off.
Okay.
Okay, so I need to switch the batteries around It's kind of a button like someone would have on their desk, right?
Like an emergency giant red button I think it's an executive toy an executive toy in the shape of such a button and it's got the word easy written on the button.
Ah You see so I press it and it goes
Is that all it does?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was easy.
Does it have anything else programmed into it?
Wait, it's probably say something different now.
That was easy.
No, it's probably the next one.
That was easy.
You get the idea.
What do you think it's for?
Well, I suppose when I've done something and I did it easy, I go...
It's half British and half American.
It starts out sounding American then goes British at the end
that was easy that easy that was british that was that was easy that was easy it's like ray winston in fool's gold yeah and every that was easy in every film where he plays an american well thanks a lot man that's good isn't it i told you it was the worst one yeah yeah no it's not it's good i mean what will i use that for maybe if i've had a casual affair with uh someone in the office after we finish our business
That was easy.
Do you think?
Well, I was thinking, like, if you ever wrote a script in, like, a day or something.
Yes.
That was easy.
You know, and that could be your little celebration there.
In misery, when James Khan finishes his book, he has one cigarette and a glass of champagne.
When you finish your scripts, Joe, you can press that easy button and think of me.
It's a complacent attitude, though, isn't it, really?
Wow.
That was easy.
How often can you say that about anything in life?
My mindset is such that the complacency that this button implies would make me worried that it would come back and bite me on the bottom.
Do you know what I mean?
As soon as you press this, you're sort of inviting not-so-easy consequences.
Exactly.
That was easy.
It's overconfident.
It is overconfident.
It's tempting to debate.
But it's a brilliant present.
Thank you very much indeed.
That's exciting.
And you stand by for one of your presents in the next half hour.
But right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the news.
That was the Inspiral Carpets.
This is how it feels.
That was easy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Listen, do you mind if I break it?
Are you gonna smash it?
No, well, I just wanted to open it.
I just wondered whether it was... It's quite a big toy.
Yeah.
They should have made it so you could record other things on it.
Well, that's what I was thinking.
I mean, it's absolutely worth it.
How much did it cost?
I'm sorry.
It cost a few quid.
Really?
Five pounds?
I don't... Like, maybe I was tired or something, but when I bought... When I saw it, it made me chuckle.
Why would it make me chuckle?
I don't know.
Well, you could stick it somewhere inappropriate.
Well, it's a nice object, though, don't you think?
It's a nice big red button.
It's nice to push a big red button, isn't it just?
Don't you think, like, maybe... That's the kind of thing I was thinking that someone might give to Barack Obama or someone like that.
Someone with a finger on a nuclear button.
It would be a fun gift to give them.
Or do you think it would be frowned upon?
Well, I think it would evoke a nuclear catastrophe kind of thoughts, wouldn't it?
If journalists found out that Barack Obama had a big red button that said, that was easy, every time he pressed it, right next to the nuclear button, that would go down badly with the voters, wouldn't it?
It's confused my head, the button.
Don't worry, throw it away.
Really?
Yeah, I'm not gonna throw it away.
I'll give it to charity.
Give it to some homeless guy.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know, that might not be the right kind of message to send.
Well, things aren't particularly easy for people like that.
I know, that's the point.
So listen, this year's been a big year for me, Adam.
Yes!
Because this is the year I've begun to be a professional cyclist.
that's right as you know in about uh well in early summer i started cycling three and a half miles into work three and a half miles out yeah seven miles a day it's been very exciting but it's introduced me to various new dangers and terrors the terror of pedestrians right what's a good short word to describe a pedestrian peds peds yeah that's what we call them yeah is it peds yeah peds that worries me the way they just step out into the road without looking behind them yeah
couriers they frighten me in vans couriers couriers delivery couriers yeah they're terrifying courier vans are terrifying and this year I've gotten angrier than ever before whilst driving right and I've started sort of shouting at cars oh really and tut tutting
Yeah.
Because I remember you talking before about the bad behavior of cyclists and how annoying you found it.
Well, I switch a route all the way around.
Do you get angry with other vehicles when you're on the road?
No, I don't actually.
I'm past all that.
I've been cycling for nearly 20 years now.
Really?
And I think that the best thing to do is go safely, try not to annoy anybody.
What if someone annoys you though?
I don't generally get too crazy about it.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on my bike that was a deliberate act of outrageousness from a passerby was some drunk guy one evening pushed me.
Like he pushed me while I was at the lights.
He wanted me to topple off the bike.
And then one time some yobs leaned out of a car when I was in Edinburgh and they were driving past.
And they pushed me, and they pushed me into the traffic.
And I chased them for about three miles and took photographs of their number plate.
Oh, I think I remember that story.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's the worst thing that's ever happened.
Generally, you know, if you're careful and you keep yourself to yourself, things are okay.
I say that now.
What if someone drives past you on your bike and leaves a clearance of about two centimetres between your handlebar and the side of their car?
Well... At high speed.
At high speed?
Yeah.
You've got to get used to it, boy.
Do you think?
You've got to take it in your stride, yeah, because it happens a lot.
What if you shout a swear word at them?
Because they drive past.
Yeah, that's standard practice.
Quite loudly.
What if their window is down and they hurt?
What if they stop?
What if they get out of the car and come at you?
Now you'd think you'd be on the safer ground because you're on a bicycle.
You don't have to just stick to the road, you can go on the pavement, you could take a shortcut down an alley.
You could get away, couldn't you?
Would you ever do that?
Would you ever fantasise about a chase between an irate motorist and you on your bike?
And whether it would end in a fight, who would win?
Whether the bike would win?
Bike versus car is what I'm saying.
In a city-based showdown.
This is what I'm proposing.
In all major cities in Britain there's currently conflict between cycling and vehicles because government are trying to push you onto your bicycle but they're not rearranging the road so that it's safe.
Sometimes when I cycle to work at particular junctions there are big groups of policemen hiding around the corner seriously at Kennington Cross waiting for cyclists to shoot the lights and then they pounce and find people.
For goodness sake.
It's ridiculous but those are the dangers that lie in store for a cyclist so I think this problem should be settled
by a massive war between cyclists and car drivers.
There already is one.
Yeah, but it would be organised and have rules.
You clear the whole centre of the city, all car drivers who dislike cyclists get in their cars, or cyclists who dislike car drivers get on their bikes, and it's a fight to the death.
Oh, really?
These are the rules.
Bikes can go anywhere, and cars can go anywhere.
On pavements, upstairs, wherever you can fit, or your engine is capable of going, you can go.
Who would win?
I think the car drivers would win.
What if all the bicycles converged on the top of a multi-storey car park and blockaded the entrance?
I think the bikes would win.
Yeah.
Because there are more places that cars can't get than bikes can't get.
Sure.
So I'm not suggesting we have these wars, but I think everyone should think about it and realize that bicycles would win.
And, you know, car drivers should realize that they're actually on slightly shaky ground.
Right.
And be more subservient to bicycles.
So did this happen to you, like some guy get out of his car and come at you?
No, only in my head.
It'll happen to you sooner or later?
Will it?
Has it happened to you?
A guy get out of his car and come at you?
Well, you know I went for the guy, personally.
I tapped on his window, I made him wind it down, and in fact, he wouldn't wind it down, so I opened his door, the passenger door.
I looked back at it as an act of, what about Folly?
Bikes versus cars versus pedestrians.
Who would win?
What about bikes versus cars versus aliens?
Well, that's unrealistic.
Versus monsters.
That's unrealistic, isn't it?
But it's more fun.
Whereas bikes versus cars versus pedestrians is realistic, it could happen.
Yeah.
Tomorrow, who would win?
aliens aliens let's have some more music and then let's have another present yeah okay you're gonna give me one after this you gave a present I mean stop it will you here's Regina specter Regina is it this is eat what a spectacular Regina
There you go, Roxy Music with Love is the Drug.
This is Adam and Joe here on a Boxing Day morning on BBC Six Music.
Wonderful to have you along, listeners.
And your present-giving ceremonies may have concluded, but ours have only just begun.
Sometimes you get presents on Boxing Day because Auntie Nubbin's and Uncle Fiddle's come around.
Aunty Nubbins is welcome, but Uncle Fiddles has been banned from ours.
Well, he's just out, isn't he?
He's just come out, so you've got to ease him back into society.
Come out of the closet?
No, prison.
Oh, okay.
Because he fiddled his taxes!
Come out of the prison closet.
Our family come and join us in the countryside.
after Christmas, right?
Because we do Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
So you send your kids away for Christmas?
In-laws.
No, no, no.
Like my family, mum and dad family.
Extended family.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we have Christmas with my in-laws and then the Buxton family descend a few days after Christmas.
So actually we're going to be having our present giving ceremony.
I've brought myself to sleep.
Myself to sleep Listen I was gonna give you a present but I'm not anymore cuz you're the most Boring man in the world
And then wave.
And then wave.
Listen, no, I've changed my mind.
You're a great guy.
And here's the prezzie.
Okay.
Here it is.
Adam and I are giving each other prezzies because it's a special Christmas time.
You've gone for the newspaper wrapping.
Yeah, I've gone for the mirror.
It's your favorite tabloid.
Love it.
Slightly left-leaning tabloid.
Sport pages.
Yeah, the sport.
Sport your favorite thing.
My favorite page, mate.
Now, can you guess what it is?
You'll just go...
Buckles is just going straight for the unwrapping.
He's not doing any of the fun accompanying activities.
What do you think it is?
It's inside.
Describe the shape and the size to the listeners.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're looking at just under A4 size here.
A5, probably.
A5, and it feels like some kind of pamphlet or slim book.
Matt Stroke magazine.
Are you already thinking it's a bit rubbish because of its lack of weight and heft?
Not necessarily.
It might be a sticker book, in which case I could be made up.
What's the best thing you could be?
It could be the Hannah Montana sticker book.
Really?
Yeah.
Is that a panini book?
They're the kings of these sticker books, aren't they, panini?
They used to be when I was young.
Of the sticker kings.
Okay, I'm gonna pull out the book now from the sports page and it is
It's a comic.
It's a comic called Female Force and on the front is Oprah Winfrey and the comic is called Oprah Winfrey and it's a comic book biography of Oprah Winfrey.
Is it really?
And it's designed to motivate women to achieve things that she's achieved.
No, it's not, it's not ironical.
Well it's female force, of course it's not ironical.
female force yeah it's inspiring it's it's her life story beautifully illustrated in comic book form well um i bought it in america opera has been rendered in comic form on the front of uh the the book and she looks a little bit like her beyonce there you know she doesn't look
Exactly as Oprah does in real life, wouldn't you say?
I think they've captured her oprosity pretty, pretty clearly.
And it's a starring book and I don't think you should take the mickey out of it.
I think you should try and learn from it.
Sure I will.
Page one.
First panel.
Easter Sunday 1957.
Two ladies in church with fancy hats.
One of them says, she sure is someone special.
The other lady says, Hatime, that child is gifted.
And then in the background is a little girl with pigtails.
And her cheeky face is that of the young Orpa.
And she says, Jesus rose on Easter day.
Hallelu, hallelu, all the angels did proclaim.
And then someone says, out of the panel, we can't see who is saying it.
three-year-old and she's already reading right in two girl she was gifted from the very beginning from the very beginning even when she was a tiny child attending church it was clear she was gifted and going to go on to great things and it's quite a topical gift because of course Oprah's recently announced that she's stopping her program in after two years which will be the end of a historical era in American broadcasting wow it's the most powerful richest woman in the world and then there are is she the richest most powerful woman in the world
No.
She is, yeah, yeah, she's one of them.
She is.
Yeah, she is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the way to answer the question of Boxing Day.
And then they've got illustrated panels like these.
They've illustrated in cartoon form classic moments from Orpa's life, right?
There's one picture here of the transgender lady who was pregnant, even though she had turned herself into a man.
She's got a little scraggly beard.
There's a picture of Orpa admiring a plus-sized woman.
Great moments from her show.
Revealing her beautiful body.
Do you think if we made one of these easy-style buttons with boggins noises on it, do you think that would be the most irritating executive toy ever designed?
Yeah, that would be like... Do you remember the annoying thing, the frog?
What was it called?
The crazy frog.
Yeah, crazy frog.
It would be like that, wouldn't it?
Joe, I can't tell you how pleased I am.
It's pretty good, isn't it?
With the Oprah Winfrey story in comic book form.
And forthcoming in the same series, Female Force, is a comic book biography of Stephanie Mayer, the author of the Twilight novels.
So no powerful woman can avoid the comic book treatment.
That was a tortured sentence.
Presumably they're going to do one on Fern Cotton at some stage.
Well, I would imagine they started with that.
That's what inspired it.
That's a nice drawing, isn't it?
Very high quality artwork.
in the Female Force comics.
I think that'll teach you some valuable things there, Adam.
Yeah, thanks a lot, man.
I'm already feeling a little bit inspired and a little bit turned on.
Maybe you should take over from Oprah.
Have your own daytime talk show.
Now, this is a very inappropriate choice of song to play after what we've just been talking about, one of the most inspiring women in the world.
This is Garbage with Stupid Girl.
This is the voice of the big British castle.
You are listening to Adam and Jo on 6 Music.
If Santa was really chocolate, how long do you think he'd survive?
He'd be fine because he's generally in cold conditions that would deserve his money.
What if he's coming down a chimney?
What if he's coming down a chimney?
Think of your crinkle basics.
Your fundamental festive basics.
Your building blocks.
Your funny dementals.
He's gonna melt, isn't he, when he gets to the bottom?
He's gonna melt if someone hasn't put the fire.
Well, how does he deal with that situation anyway when he's coming down the gym?
He's got fireproof panties.
Does he?
Of course.
Well, why wouldn't they protect the chocolate?
They would.
Speaking of which, do you want a matchmaker?
I love a matchmaker.
Matchmakers, if you are living in a foreign country that doesn't have matchmakers, they're like matches, but made of chalky.
And they have sort of crystalline bits of sweetie goodness, either orange flavoured or minty flavoured.
This is cool mint.
And the trick with matchmakers is to take six or seven at once in a bunch, like a bunch of twigs, and just eat them all at once.
Wow, you really did that.
This is a matchmakers in heaven.
Yeah.
What kind of, are you getting a stocking?
Did you get a stocking yesterday?
I don't know.
You can't remember.
It's not a tradition though.
No, stockings aren't a tradition in our house.
My wife loves stockings.
I think we have a very different Christmas in our house to yours.
We have a very minimal, kind of, you know, stripped-down, non-material Christmas.
I'm not... Sounds as if I'm pooping your Christmas.
It sounds as if you're stripping down, but I know that you're worshipping Satan.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you're stripping down and worshipping Satan.
I mean, that's partly different from... It's not so different from our Christmas.
Would you spend Christmas in the nude?
Yeah.
Do you think, I mean, it's a time when you're only around family.
It's a fun thing.
There's nothing no one's seen before.
What?
There's nothing anybody hasn't seen before.
That's right.
Hey, the fires died down.
Sort of.
Just a little bit of blowing on the embers down there.
There we go, look at that.
That's not the fire you're blowing on, mate.
Oh.
That's my face.
Well, something else is called fire.
The feelings.
Hey, listen, how do you feel?
How's that rosé, sparkling rosé going down?
It's really delicious.
It's better than the other stuff, though, isn't it?
Yeah, I've got a very low alcohol tolerance level, and frankly, I'm on planet booze.
You know, when I was coming here to the studio on the train today, there were some women on the train with tins of lager.
And I love a woman with a tin of lager.
Because, you know, everyone loves groups of men drinking tins of lager, right?
That's a great thing to see.
It's a fun atmosphere.
you always know you're gonna get some quality conversation yeah fun times especially on a train like you know they've they've each got about four or five tens of lined up for the journey and it makes me think hey I wish I'm gonna have a good time hence everyone around them will have a good time exactly sometimes what I do is infectious
If there's, uh, four guys sat around a table there, what I'll ask them to do is maybe one of them, hey, could you, would you mind moving over a seat just so I could sit with the rest of the guys there?
Yeah.
So I'm, hey, is there any way that I could have one of those tins?
Cause I would like to join in with the group.
And I've had many good times that way.
But if there's one thing I love more than that scenario, it's to see a group of quite rough looking women drinking some tins of lager on the train.
Because that, to me, is the height of womanosity.
We were talking about Oprah earlier on.
You got me a lovely Oprah comic to inspire people everywhere.
But it's an inspiring sight to see a woman really drunk.
Don't you find?
Well, I think it would be unfair to make that distinction gender-based.
Right.
You know, why shouldn't a woman be
Drunk as drunk as a man.
This is what I'm saying.
No, I'm so glad that it's one of the things that women have finally sorted out.
Hey, you know, men get to carouse in large groups and behave badly and drink lager out of tents.
Have you not seen it be so uncovered, though?
This has been going on for years.
Yeah.
Women have really seized the baton when it comes to getting very drunk.
Sure.
That's what I'm saying.
I think that's true historically, though.
Is it?
Yeah.
Women love a drink, so do men.
I don't think there's a useful gender distinction to be made.
In fact, I think it could come across as sexist and reductive.
That's what I'm hoping.
And that's not very Christmasy.
Santa hates those things.
I was thinking sexy and reductive.
Ah, that's very different.
That's a spinal tap joke, though, isn't it?
That's forever associated with spinal tap to say something is sexy rather than sexist.
What's wrong with being sexy?
What's wrong with being sexy?
Okay, listen, let's have some more music right now.
This is Jamie T. with The Man's Machine.
Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music on Boxing Day.
This is a pre-recorded show, so please, no texts or emails.
It'll be a total waste of your time.
Be wrong for a DJ to eat during his co-presenters' link on any other day apart.
Unboxing Day.
Man, you've gone for the Yule Log there.
Why is a Yule Log?
What is a real yule log?
What is a real yule log?
A real yule log is you've got a log, a wooden log.
That much I've deduced.
And you have decorated it in a Christmas style.
Why would you do that?
Because it's Christmas!
Decorating logs?
Yeah, yeah, you decorate the log and you put it in the hearth there.
Oh, and then do you light it on Christmas Day?
Sure you do.
You set a fire to the things you've decorated it with?
Yeah, you remove any of the plastic decorations.
Sounds like a load of BS to me.
Well, you just carry on eating your chocolate log and don't worry about it.
Alright?
Just carry on worshiping Satan in the nude.
Don't worship Satan, but I do spend Christmas nude.
Anyway, there's nothing evil about being nude.
No, I didn't say there was- There might be something evil about you being nude.
Well listen, you're giving me a hard time for everything I'm saying.
I tried to do a sort of ironical, cock-eyed look at women drinking lager on trains.
That gets thrown out as being sexist and reductive.
Now I'm being poo-pooed for not being nude on Christmas Day and worshiping Satan.
Just unwrap your present!
I don't worship Satan.
I just admire him.
I don't.
I don't.
He's terrible.
He's awful.
Well, thank you very much.
There's a lovely gift that Adam's just given me.
I don't think he exists, you know.
Well, he's an idea, isn't he?
He's an idea.
You don't want to go with him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, this is a wonderful present.
And I should describe it for the listeners.
It's definitely a book.
I can 100% say that it's a book.
I haven't wrapped it yet.
I'm trying to describe it through the wrapping.
Yeah, it's definitely a book.
It's a hardback book.
And it's quite thick, so it's probably maybe something by Alain de Buton.
Similar, very similar.
Perhaps, maybe it's something by Malcolm Gladwell.
You like his nonsense publications.
Come on, he's brilliant.
Yeah, pop psychology.
I'm going to open it.
This is what I like to do, listeners.
I like to open the present with my eyes closed, right?
I don't know why I find this so satisfying.
And I like to hold it up in front of my face, but my eyes are still closed.
Have you got no idea at all what it is?
I've got no idea what it is, but I'm actually rubbing it against my face.
How does it smell?
Smells like a rubbish autobiography.
Well, from one of those shops.
Half right.
Half right.
It is by no means rubbish.
It should smell of success because it is.
It's Ant and Dex biography.
Ooh, what a lovely pair.
We were talking about this only a few weeks ago.
Right.
And this is a book that the public have been waiting for for years.
They've been clamouring for Ant & Dec to set down their story on historical record, in historical record.
Looking at the spine, it has two segments of photos.
Looking at those photos, they are full colour.
Brilliant.
I love photos.
Inscription in the front.
There is an inscription in the front from Adam Buxton.
Dijo I have been and always will be the PJ to your Duncan love Adam a kiss Christmas 2009 that looks a bit like a four That's good stuff.
That's very kind of you and was this full price or has it come down in price?
That was reduced by seven pounds was it reduced was it from a shop which might perhaps Stock returns or was it a shop that has newly well, I'm just wondering give us it
This is a great book.
I haven't actually read it myself, but I leaved through it and I've read a couple of reviews and I can tell you that you are going to enjoy reading this and you better read it properly as well.
Don't just sort of flick over it in some kind of sarcastic way.
Are you allowed to issue threats with Christmas presents?
Yeah, boy, definitely.
Is that in the spirit of Christmas?
Here we go.
There's a little good sample passage to read.
And you know the reason I bought you this book?
Joe is to remind you what we could have been.
Right?
If we had played our cards right.
This could have been Adam and Joe.
Ooh, what a lovely pair.
This is the paragraph you want me to pay attention to, the emboldened one.
Yeah, it's something that you and I have gone through ourselves.
It marked our first exposure as Ant and Dec.
We went for Ant and Dec in that order, because it was PJ and Duncan.
PJ was Ant, and well you get the rest.
I've been asked about this, but I never argued for it to be Dec and Ant.
I never even really thought about it.
It's not really a big deal.
Honestly, I'm fine with it, I really am!
It's not like I still lie awake at night thinking about it, or it secretly bothered me for years or anything like that.
Is that supposed to be ironic?
I can't tell if he's joking or not.
like has it ever bothered you that you that it's Adam and Joe it might have bothered me a little bit for the first couple of years of our relationship really only only like every little thing it was only that because it's scan the Adam of course I know I know I know but you know it's just one of those if I'm feeling
back in 15 years ago whenever it was, if I was feeling disenfranchised in some way, it would be grist to my mental mill.
Do you know what I mean?
Well, it's weird because people do read stuff into it.
We get the occasional email from someone saying, dear Joe and Adam, there, I flipped the order.
It never crossed my mind that it meant anything.
It's not like a billing thing.
No, it's hand-willed, isn't it?
Yeah, exactly.
But obviously, it's a really serious problem for Ant or Dec.
Anyway, there you go.
I hope you read the whole book properly.
That's a terrific, terrific present.
I paid a lot of money for that.
Did you know that's really time?
That's your most ex-present.
I can't even speak anymore.
Let's play some more music.
This is a free play.
One of my favourite tracks.
It's the theme tune to Biker Grove.
Unfortunately, it's not.
But it is one of my favourite tracks from the year.
This is from the Ye Ye Yes album.
It's Blitz.
And this is Hysteric.
That was Sandy Toxvig there with Son of a Preacher Man.
I don't think it was.
Sandy Toxvig.
It was Dusty Springfield and Sandy Toxvig.
And this is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.
It's time for the news.
Nice little bit of Booker T and EMGs bubbling away in the background.
And we've got a fire here.
This is Adam and Joe.
We're in our special Christmas hut for this special Boxing Day show.
And it's lovely and warm inside.
It's cold outside.
We're pre-recording this in our hut incidentally, so please don't email or text us because unfortunately we won't be able to read your messages.
But we still value your company and we're very grateful that you're listening.
We've been exchanging gifts as well.
Joe has given me a wonderful comic about the life of Oprah Winfrey, a female force comic.
It's very inspiring.
Adam has given me a novelty desktop sort of executive toy, which is a big red button marked easy.
When you press it, someone says that was easy.
I can't press it.
Please press it.
Anyone who's listened since the beginning of the show will be annoyed with it.
But what about people who've just... That was easy.
Yes.
There we go.
People who've just tuned in, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What was that?
What was that?
This is a good show.
He's also given me Ant and Dec's autobiography, Ooh, What a Lovely Pair, which refers to them as a pair, a pair of performers, Ant and Dec, and also either their testicles or maybe a woman's breasts.
I don't think it refers to testicles very often, does it?
Well, a pair, it could be.
He says, ooh, what a lovely pair about someone.
Well, because they're men, it wouldn't necessarily refer to breasts, because they don't have breasts.
No one talks about people's protums in that way.
I'm just making it accessible for women as well.
Well, have you not seen New Moon?
Yeah, no I haven't.
Well, there's a new sexism going on.
Is there?
A new level of objectification of men.
Oh, of men.
Yeah, and in the film New Moon, the characters, the male characters reveal their chests in a similar way to a woman would have revealed her chest, maybe in the 40s or 50s.
A similar way to a woman would have revealed her chest.
Yeah, a wooden woman.
Would you like some more champagne?
Carved from wood.
I think I've had two, anyway.
Do you get my point, though?
Yes, I do.
What do the women in the film swoon when they see the man nipples and stuff?
Well, the women in the audience certainly swoon.
Do they?
Yeah, they gasp and cheer like they are to take that concert.
Because they're so chiseled, all the pectorals.
They're different types of male breasts.
Robert Pattison, who plays the male vampire, has flat pale McMahon breasts.
Taylor Lautner,
who was the boy in shock, boy in lava girl, has now grown into a young man and he has gym ones.
He's got what?
Gym ones.
He's been at the gym.
He's got big kind of pecs.
Oh, I see.
Gym ones.
Right, right, right, right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Not like, um, Jimmy Nail ones.
No, that's for the third film.
That's the kind of ones I've got.
That's for the... You might be, you might be... Well, Taylor... Are there any that are just like mine, though?
Well, I'm thinking that Robert Pattinson is a vampire and Taylor Lautner is a werewolf, so werewolves when their men have sort of gym chests, vampires when their men have flat chests.
You've got a Jimmy Nail chest, so what creature would you morph into?
Boggins.
Does he exist in the Twilight Saga?
He exists in every fictional universe.
Now listen, are we going to give more gifts or shall we play a bit more music first?
I wish to have a bit more music.
Yeah, here's Doves.
They've done so well this year.
Let's have a little round of applause for Doves.
Doves.
Well done.
Doves.
Hope you enjoyed yourselves this year, chaps.
Because it's not going to last!
I'm joking.
I'm just joking.
You've got a couple more years.
I seriously plan for in a couple of years.
Yeah.
Have you got something to fall back on?
I think they know.
Have you got something to fall back on?
Because this won't last much longer.
Well, I know that.
Have you got something to fall back on?
Sure, I do.
Yeah.
Study hard at school.
Are you a trained doctor or anything?
No, but I've got some crafts stuff that I can do.
So have a little stall at a local?
Yeah, I can make craft fair.
Like dolphins out of matchsticks.
That's good, and you're very good at putting coloured gems around mirrors.
Thanks very much.
Here's Doves with House of Mirrors.
That was Doves with House of Mirrors.
Did you like it?
I liked it.
It's a nice Mamma Mia, that's a nice song.
Hello, I'm Gino di Campo.
What do you like?
What do you like?
Some spaghetti?
I'm from Italy.
That's how I speak.
What?
You call me a racist?
How dare you get out?
I have a scooter.
What?
Dunno.
Dunno.
They're Italian, aren't they scooters?
Yeah.
Listen, have you ever had a job where you have done something naughty, you sort of sabotaged the thing that you were making in your job?
I once worked on a wine production line when I was a teenager and I was responsible for putting the foil caps on the tops of the bottles so I would sit next to this production line and hundreds and hundreds of closely packed bottles would come past me in a row and with a simple gesture with my right hand I would pop these foil caps on bottle after bottle for eight hours a day with one hour for lunch.
Yeah, the gesture of Onan.
Yeah.
I got bored of this very repetitive task, so I would chew gum, a French brand of gum, because I was doing this job in Bordeaux, it was a holiday job.
Yeah, Hollywood gum, do you remember?
Hollywood gum!
It's a French brand of chew gum.
Very quickly, yes.
So I would pop the chewing gum between the cork and the foil lid.
What?
To give the person who opened the bottle a little bit of fun when they tried to put the cork squirt.
A little Hollywood surprise.
Yeah.
Do you think that's a good thing to do?
That is a weird thing to do.
And the thing is that that would...
basically be there for years and years, right?
If it's a nice bottle of wine.
Here's another story, because I think a lot of people do this kind of thing when you're doing kind of repetitive labor.
You've got to think of something to liven up your day.
I heard that Prince Charles's tailors would write anarchic wording, anarchic slogans inside the lining of his jackets.
And it's become a kind of tradition.
Yeah.
Because they know that Prince Charles will never look inside the lining of the jacket.
He will always send it off to get mended.
But it gives them great satisfaction that there are anarchic anti-monarchy slogans written.
Anti-monarchy?
You don't know that for sure, though.
This is a speculative, spurious, third-hand story.
Right, right, right.
Okay?
About James Taylor and Roger Taylor.
No, it's not.
I don't know that it's true.
That's unbelievable.
Here's another one I heard.
I tell you, I'm still reeling from that bombshell.
A friend of mine was reading Hugh Hudson's autobiography.
He directed Chariots of Fire and Greystoke, The Legend of Tarzan.
And then he had a problem with a film called Revolution.
And they had to stop him directing.
He went to director jail.
Yeah.
Well, he came out again.
He's made several films recently.
But when he was working in an egg factory, he used to write obscene words inside the lid of the egg box.
Yeah.
Was it the Egg Box 360?
It was the Egg Box 360, yeah.
The Elite as well.
It's the best kind of egg box you can get.
Have you ever done that kind of thing?
What was he writing them in there with?
A pen?
A pen.
Good question though.
Seems like a lot of effort to go to.
He had a little obscenity pen.
Yeah, but I'm just wondering, how's he got the time?
Well, he was bored.
He was putting eggs into egg boxes.
That's kind of the point.
Is he not on a production line though?
Yeah.
I want to know the facts about all... Well, this again is a second-hand story, but that's what I heard.
But I think that's quite a common thing to do if you have to do a repetitive, boring job.
You find ways to perk it up a little bit.
Sure, you stamp a bit of individuality on the whole exercise.
We're not saying this is a good thing to do or the right thing to do.
Come on, how can it hurt?
But it's fun.
Here's the thing, what if Prince Charles one day snags his jacket on a branch or a deer.
Someone's written, Prince Charles is a fool.
Exactly.
On the inside of the lining.
Or Prince Ponce, exclamation mark.
Or the royal family are an anachronism.
in big letters though.
He would be hopping bananas.
With the drawing of a bottom.
With a drawing of a little hairy bum.
Exactly.
With the drawing of a kilt being raised up.
Oh that's too much man.
And a little hairy bum.
Don't think that kind of thing can be broadcast, is it?
That's a bit much for a passing day, sure it is.
He would be absolutely insane with anger.
He would be in and he would track down Roger Taylor and James Taylor and all the other tailors and he would say which one of you chaps done that on my inside jacket I'd be trouble wouldn't their heads would roll.
He's got a very distinctive voice.
I don't know why I went for Brian blessed to impersonate him Yes, it's more like this exactly No, was it Roger Taylor or James Taylor that did the writing inside my jacket there.
Have you ever done that?
anything like that, though, can't buy kilos?
I can't think.
I mean, I used to work at a restaurant, so there wasn't so much scope for actually, you know, these weren't products that were going elsewhere.
They were instantly consumed.
And there's all kind of terrible ways of getting revenge on customers that people in restaurants do.
That's a different story.
Spitting and bogies and all sorts of terrible things.
If you've ever done anything like that, listeners, and you'd like to contribute your story to the show, don't bother.
because this is pre-recorded and we won't be able to hear your message, but hey, you could chat about it yourselves.
That's nice, thanks man.
That is nice, I mean it was a little harsh that you introduced the fact that it was a very brutal way of introducing the fact that it was pre-recorded.
I just want to be straight with people.
And then rather patronising me to say that you could chat amongst yourselves about it.
Here to assuage your fury listeners is a classic track from The Jam.
This is Beat Surrender.
Put the fire up higher James.
There you go.
Now you can hear the fire.
It's nice and toasty.
We're nice and close to the fire, listeners.
There's nothing like a real fire, is there?
No, and this is nothing like a real fire.
Do you know what I'd love to do?
I'd have to go to sleep in front of a fire.
Do you?
That's dangerous.
You've got to put the guard in front first.
and stay at a safe distance, but there's nothing like turning out all the lights and just having the flickering fire.
And what the fire actually does is it drains the oxygen from the air immediately around you, so it actually puts you to sleep.
Does it?
Which, you're right, is dangerous, probably, but under controlled, safe conditions with another fully awake fire safety officer in the room.
Yeah, it's fine.
Have you ever fallen asleep in front of the fire in the new dos with your beautiful lady partner and a sheepskin draped over you like James Bond?
Yeah, but I usually have the sheepskin draped over my face and the rest of my nude body is exposed.
Yeah, some... Have I...
I'm not sure that I have actually.
All those romantic things are totally impractical in real life.
Why?
Because all the fur gets up your schisms.
Yeah, because you'd be in the front of the fire.
After a while, all your extremities would get too hot and your eggs would get scrambled.
You'd have to back off.
It's ludicrous.
It's like people having special baths and lighting candles and stuff.
Do you remember that guy that wrote in and said that he...
Had a film show in his bath with his girlfriend, sat there and he watched Showa or whatever it was for however many hours in the bath.
Hi Matt, just seemed insane.
Listen, get another present.
It's present time listeners, because it's Boxing Day and Adam and I didn't see each other on Christmas Day, we're doing our present giving today.
Adam's already given me Ant and Decks biography, ooh what a lovely pair.
I actually bought that with my own money.
£13 at costume, reduced from £20 to £13.
even have a receipt that I can give it.
He's born with an executive toy.
I've given him a comic book autobiography of Opera Winfrey.
Thanks a lot.
Opera Winfrey in the Female Force series.
Very good.
Now I've got two more presents left for you Adam.
One of them is like quite a serious present.
And the other one is a more flippant present.
Is it Tony Blair?
Which one would you like?
I would like the serious one.
OK.
And I think you've probably got this already.
So this is interesting, listeners.
Is it a baby son?
No, it's a book.
And I would imagine you've already got this.
Uh, it would be very good if you didn't.
But now we can see whether Count Puculis can lie successfully about being given something he's already got now.
My lady partner's birthday was recent, and a good friend of hers gave her a DVD, which I clearly knew we already had.
And he said, oh, I really hope you don't have this.
Here it is.
It's wonderful.
And she opened it.
We did have it.
She knew we had it.
But she lied.
She said no.
And I couldn't.
It was on the tip of my tongue going, of course we've got this.
In fact, I think I'd even talked about it to the friend who was giving it.
But I said nothing.
I said nothing.
But it seemed to me like a sort of a shallow charade that was being played out.
It's tricky, though.
In this situation right now, because we're on the radio, I will tell you the truth.
If I have it, I'll tell you.
But actually, if it's a real situation, someone's gone out and bought something for you, they're excited about giving it to you, they've spent their own money on it.
Well, that's this situation I'm excited about.
I really hope you haven't got it.
I'd be so much happier if you didn't have it and you went, oh, I didn't even know this had been published, it's like it's been written for me.
Because it's like this book has been written for you, seriously.
It's a book about something you love to do.
This is going to be quite insulting, isn't it?
By somebody you love.
Right.
Do you know what it is?
Can you guess what it is?
A book about something you do a lot.
Is it men in their sheds or something?
No, buys somebody you love.
Anyway, there we go.
Is it a book by Charles Brandreth about self-pleasuring?
No.
It was published in Britain in the summer.
Oh, wow.
This is The Bicycle Diaries by David Byrne.
Have you got that?
Ex-lead singer of Talking Heads.
I didn't even know this existed.
Oh, I popped the receipt in there.
Whoops, really?
And that receipt.
Oh, wow.
So it's a book all about cycling written by David Byrne from the Talking Heads.
Co-founder of the musical group Talking Heads, David Byrne has also released several solo albums, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And this is...
Since the early 1980s, renowned musician and visual artist David Byrne has been riding a bike as his principal means of transportation in New York City.
You know what?
I put a video piece of his on my blog a while back.
With him, he'd got like a helmet cam and he was riding around New York City giving a little running commentary as he cycled to a show that he was doing.
It's one of the most wonderful bits of footage that I've seen for ages, mainly because I absolutely adore David Byrne and everything he does, so I was just...
Bewitched by the sound of his voice, but be you know I love to cycle as well New York City always great to see that place, right?
Hey Get up.
Would you like a hot dog?
Why New York?
What are you doing?
Drakey get out of the way?
Oh, you want a big apple or even bigger one?
Oh, yeah, that kind of thing and I didn't know this existed.
This is a great presence.
Is he lying though listeners?
Of course I'm not lying.
I don't think he isn't lying.
I know him well enough.
He's not lying.
I can't lie that well.
This is amazing.
It's a beautiful edition.
It's a hardback edition.
I bought it for you in Borders in Santa Monica.
And look, it is even, you can even, I love books like this.
It's even got a flick book picture down on the bottom.
Has it?
There you go, Burnie.
He doesn't miss a trick with a little cycling man.
Oh, I love it.
How fantastic.
That's a proper good present, man.
Pleasure.
I feel bad now that I caught you all around.
Well hey, I've still got one to come, right?
It could be a good one.
Don't shatter my illusions.
I bet it's going to be really good.
Don't shatter my illusions.
I'm not worried about your illusions now.
I'm worried about the fact that you've suddenly shifted the present giving parameters.
I've upped the ante.
It's a game changer.
It is a game changer.
That is a good present.
Do you think if I threw this cork at our producer James's head, it would like bounce off in a satisfying way?
Listeners, I've got to tell you that Joe is not a drinker normally, right?
And he's had like three little paper cups of sparkling wine.
It's not going to hurt.
I just want to see it bowing off.
We've had to go
He's just throwing the cork at James.
It bounced off the back of the chair.
It was even, it did the same thing.
It did the bounce.
I haven't seen Joe like this for a long time since we were like 14 year olds and we used to drink too much for fun.
But he's gone a bit.
Is that how out of hand I get throwing a cork?
From a distance of three feet of a man's head.
Here's some music for you right now listeners.
This is Band of Horses and a track called No One's Gonna Love You.
Adam and Jo!
The guest light anthem there, the 59 sound.
This is Adam and Joe in our Boxing Day shag.
It's so cosy.
Thanks for joining us, listeners.
We hope you're having a lovely Boxing Day.
We're coming to you in a pre-recorded fashion from our little log cabin just outside the walls of the castle.
We've got a fantastic log fire going and we're both wearing our Christmas outfits.
Adam and I make Christmas extra Christmasy by wearing a special selection of clothes.
for the Christmas period.
Adam, what have you got on?
Talk us through your Christmas wardrobe.
Well, I've got, you can hear them there, I've got a pair of paper pants.
When you say pants, tell the listeners whether you mean underwear or trousers, because American listeners might be confused.
Sure, sure, sure.
I think the Americans would call them knickers.
Knickers.
So you've got newspaper, underpants made of newspaper.
Yeah.
Why do you wear underpants that are made of newspaper?
Is it for ease of changing them when you soil them?
Yeah, I get through a lot.
So, you know, I could use classier paper as what you're thinking, obviously, listeners.
Why doesn't he use- What newspaper do you use?
Do you use a broadsheet or a tabloid?
I use that depending on what you've eaten on the previous day.
I use a- I don't mind, really.
I'll use whatever's lying around.
Right, right.
I like The Guardian.
Right, yeah, that's a lovely paper to make pants out of.
Oh, because it's- What else are you wearing?
It's nicely balanced.
I mean, obviously, I can see what you're wearing, but I'm just thinking about this from the audience's point of view.
Sure, from the audience's point of view.
Well, not that much more.
I mean, I've got some... I mean, you've made a bra out of tuppenny pieces.
Yeah.
Which is just two tuppenny pieces that seem to... You draw the little hole in each, and then you've passed some shoelace through them.
That's right.
And you've just positioned them over your nipples.
Tuppence pieces.
I got them from a Christmas pudding.
Did you?
Well, there are still some little bits of Christmas pudding on them.
Oh, that's not Christmas pudding.
What is it?
I'd rather not go into it.
I saw boggins earlier on today and jumped up and started licking my face.
How about you?
What are you wearing?
Well, of course, every Christmas what I tend to wear is a Santa hat.
Sure.
So I've got my Santa hat on and then I've got actually my Tuppence bra on as well.
Yeah, we've both got them.
But underneath
a sort of chainmail suit made out of coke can ring pulls.
So all year I've been collecting coke can ring pulls and I've been sort of sewing them together with little bits of thread and I've actually made a whole sort of chainmail shirt.
So that's really, really good looking, isn't it?
It's brilliant because it reminds me of the glory days of DIY fashion.
Well, it's all back in action now.
Who was the lady that used to design a lot of stuff like that from the face?
And what I'd done, she was called Carol Thatcher.
And what I've actually done on my lower half is I've actually cooked and wrapped spaghetti.
And this is something you can do at home.
I've found the longest spaghetti sticks I could find in the organic spaghetti shop.
I've boiled them up.
And what I did was I wrapped them round my legs all the way up.
And then I've simply let them harden and crisp.
and what they are with their spaghetti long johns.
And, of course, it was hard to wrap them round my upper torso because my biology gets a little more complex in terms of shapes.
Yeah.
Yeah, up there.
Sure.
Well, you know, I've gone for a kilt.
What I like to do... But with a very festive tartan on it.
And, you know, you brought up the subject of those areas.
I call them the Netherlands.
What I like to do with my Netherlands is wrap bacon round them.
So it's like a kind of pig in a blanket.
That's dangerous at Christmas.
It's Christmas-y!
Yeah, but wasn't there that time a couple of Christmases ago when your wife accidentally- Oh, she stuck a cocktail stick in it, yeah.
But at least she was interested.
That'll be the most disturbing family Christmas if Dad wrapped a piece of bacon around the old chapel and just stood there at the table with it next to the turkey.
One of these pig-in-a-baskets is not like the other one.
One of these pig-in-a-baskets should not have a cocktail stick stuck through it.
That would be the song he'd sing.
Anyway, listen, this isn't very family-friendly chit chat.
It's not really, is it?
But it's mid-day on Boxing Day, so... That's true.
Building up to the big dinner.
It's not a big problem, right?
Here's Depeche Mode with fragile tension.
After this, more presents.
Depeche Mode there was fragile tension.
Back in the day, some people used to call them Depeche Mode.
Idiots.
I used to get very frustrated when that happened.
And maybe that is more like the correct pronunciation.
I don't know, because obviously it's a French word, but... Depeche?
I'm not sure.
We want to hear your thoughts, listeners.
The number is, I'm joking.
It's not live, I'm sorry.
We're pre-recording this show.
It's going out on Boxing Day and we're very happy to be with you.
Now, Boxing Day can be a tricky time because often people are a little hungover from the day before and, you know, maybe the Christmas spirit in some households may be wearing a little bit thin and it's often the day when hideous arguments happen.
Sure.
Wouldn't you say children having tantrums?
Grandpa came out of hand.
Yeah, because, I mean, the children perhaps are expecting more presents.
They get a little bit bored.
A bit spoiled and, well, that's what TV's for on boxing.
Right.
Or at least that's what it was traditionally for, to bring the family together on that most depressing of days.
But not anymore.
Everyone splits off into their own little universe and does whatever they're doing, plays their video games or watches their MP3 videos.
Oh, I'm planning to have quite a video game heavy Christmas.
Are you?
Yeah, I want to get into the new Call of Duty.
I want to maybe get into Drake's Progress.
Drake, what's it called?
Uncharted.
How long are you spending on Call of Duty, for example, one session?
Like a long session?
About half an hour.
Oh, really?
That's not too bad.
Only because I've got too much other stuff to do at the moment.
Sure.
But over Christmas, time will be freed up a bit.
That's the time to do, really.
Totally unconstructive, indulgent things like that.
And you can easily limit yourself to just the half hour.
I'm gonna kill so many digital people.
Well done.
It's gonna be a digital massacre.
Hundreds.
Yeah.
I read a video game review the other day and the magazine had put a KPM rating on it.
Kills per minute.
Yep.
Oh dear.
Do you think that's a good way for culture to go?
Well, I suppose if it's so divorced from reality that they feel it's okay to joke about it, but for me, Joe, I'm a professional killer.
I'm a professional mercenary, so to me it's not a joke.
Really?
Because it's my job, I go out and I hunt down.
It's true, isn't it?
You're a big supporter of keeping boggins alive, for instance.
Yeah.
So you think fictional killing is just as bad as real killing?
I do, I don't think it's not something you should joke about.
The K-word.
Yeah, the K-word.
Yeah.
Would you like a present?
I'd love a present!
Just the light and the atmosphere.
Adam and I are giving each other prezzies because we didn't see each other on Christmas Day.
I've already got Ant and Dex biography.
Ooh, what a lovely pair.
Sort of punny title.
Joe gave me a cartoon about the life of Oprah Winfrey.
A cartoon?
A comic.
He also gave me a proper, seriously good present.
David Byrne's book, Bicycle Diaries.
Didn't even know it existed.
And if we're slurring our words and making more mistakes than usual listeners, it's because we've got a bottle of sparkling rose on the go.
Yeah.
Because it's Boxing Day, and we're a tiny little bit tipsy.
But that's OK if you're over 18, or 16, or whatever it is.
If you're under 16, stick to the alcohol pops.
No, no, I'm sorry.
That was a satirical comment.
Oh, was it?
That would be fine on have I got news for you the week.
I wish someone would mock the week.
It's been ridiculous.
Politics is absurd.
I'm going to sleep.
Gordon Brown.
What was that?
I said Gordon Brown.
Gordon Brown.
It's a CD, it's clearly a CD this present that Adam's given me.
It's got another little smiley face on it.
This one's green little smiley face sticker.
Little sticker.
Oh, it's Bob Dylan's Christmas songs.
Now, to the... Yeah, I forgot to label her back.
To the untrained eye, this might seem like an actual commercially produced CD.
because the first thing that hits the eye are the words Bob Dylan's Christmas songs and they've sort of got snow on the top of the letters.
Yeah, it's like a font.
Yeah, snowy font.
But the snow is sort of translucent, the lettering is white and the snow is sort of see-through, which makes it look less like snow and more like something Boggins might have deposited on the letter.
It's true, isn't it?
That bothered me as well when I was typing it in.
It's surround the image
uh above that script is is surrounded by a border of a sort of greek square curlicue thing what do you call that it's like a traditional greek border so it's got a slightly um you know greek i wouldn't know what you call that and then the image is sort of a sad center
And he's got a kind of a mutant face.
Is that your face in there?
No, that's Dylan's face in there.
I'm just used to you putting your face wherever you can possibly put it.
This is an album that I have made for you, Joe.
Wow.
Of me singing in the style of Bob Dylan, Christmas songs.
And it's a combination of real Christmas songs like Ding Dong Marily on High.
Right.
Do you want to hear Bob Dylan's version of Ding Dong Marily on High?
Yes, please.
And this is... Let's pop this CD in.
Because, of course, in case you didn't realize, listeners, Bob Dylan actually did release a Christmas CD this year, and his voice is completely wonkaloid now.
We've talked about this already.
Yeah, exactly.
So here's my version of Ding Dong Marily on High in a Bob Dylan style.
Oh, Santa, great to see you.
Wow, how have you been?
Oh, hi, Joanna.
Wonderful to see you, too.
Ding dong, merrily, oh, hi.
The Christmas bells are ringing.
Ding dong, merrily, oh, hi.
Something, something, sing it.
Oh.
Joanna's got a shell suit.
Rosanna lives in Chelsea!
That's just a little clip.
Things are really taking off for Dylan again.
There's a bit of a slump in his career and topicality, but he's really found a way to lift it.
On the image on the front of the CD, it shows a sort of disenfranchised Santa, almost like a sort of homeless man, or what you might call a beggar, sitting on a corner.
He's in a Santa's outfit, but he's got a weird collecting tin and a sign round his neck.
What does that sign say?
The sign says, Slay Broke Down.
The Slay Broke Down.
The Slay Broke Down.
Yeah, that's why he's collecting.
Right, to try and repair the Slay.
Well, that's terrific.
Are there any other tracks we can have a quick listen to on here?
Yeah, sure.
There's a track that's very topical, and it's about something that many of us will be receiving this Christmas.
What number is it?
It is track one, and it is... Have a listen to it.
All right.
What have you got for Uncle Bob?
My favorite!
Box set, DVD box set!
Box set, DVD box set!
Thank you very much for the DVD box set!
Oh yeah, can't wait to watch it!
Jonathan Creek, the in-betweeners and friends!
So many episodes the pleasure never ends!
Deadwood, alias, life on Mars and howl!
I really do.
I love to watch them.
And so do you.
I plan to spend all my remaining years watching my boxes.
That'll start Galactica.
The writing is complex.
It's all about religion and politics and sex.
Box and Diddy do box and box and Diddy.
DVD box and thank you very much for the DVD box and Desperate Housewives I love 24, I watch a season and a day It only makes sense if you're watching that way Power every hour, my eyes are getting sore Come on Jack, torture terrorism What you mean you haven't seen the wire yet?
That shows about as brilliant as the television get You have to watch a few before you start getting into it
He's in such good voice, isn't he?
He's in... Actually, his voice kind of came together for that track.
You know I was gonna give you as a present the wire season one because I thought you know it would be funny and I could say hey have you seen this and I could rehearse the whole tedious wire conversation but you know what went through my mind I thought no Adam will just go oh yeah this is brilliant I can lend it to someone else and you'd be all serious about it
I would give it right back to you as well, I'd say.
You were to make me watch it.
I'd say, come on, sort your life out.
The other day you were pouring buckets of scorn over me for not having seen the new Guy Ritchie film.
You haven't even seen The Wire!
Talk about a gulf of... I've seen some of The Wire.
...cultural.
What have you seen?
I've seen a bit of Series 3, quite a bit of Series 3.
It's not a dipper.
It's not a dipper.
I'd done the dippin'.
Delicious.
No dipping.
So there you go.
There's one more Dylan track on there.
We might play before the end of the show, but... Hey, that's up to me.
It's my present.
It's not yours anymore.
Just because you composed it.
I own it now.
It's drunk out of his mind.
It's a free play for you, listeners.
I love you.
This is from the Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence soundtrack.
That's a film that has a place in both of our hearts, right?
What a film, directed by Ruishi Sakamoto, written by David Bowie, and starring Dawn French.
This is, as you can kick it off James, because it's got the long, sort of, quiet... Is that what this is?
Yes, but it's not the totally instrumental version, it's the best of both worlds.
What a funny face.
Beautiful eyes though.
It's Ruichi Sakamoto with David Silvian singing over the top.
This is the theme from Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence.
I love you.
That was just a message from me.
This is not a new track.
You know what, listeners?
I'm totally wrong.
Sorry to interrupt.
This is the instrumental version.
There's no Sylvian on here.
Apologies, Sylvian fans, but enjoy Ruichi.
Marling Black Label.
Laura Marling, that was, with Ghosts.
This is Adam and Jo, our pre-recorded Boxing Day show.
We're very much hoping you're enjoying yourselves.
And just quickly tell us why Boxing Day is called Boxing Day?
Because it's when traditionally the Pugilists have their celebration.
Thanks.
It's news time.
Booker T and the MG's providing the soundtrack to our Boxing Day celebrations here at the Big British Castle.
Here, let's have the fire roaring a little bit more, James.
I can hardly feel the flames.
There we go.
You know, as genuine Australians who speak with completely authentic Australian accents, it's funny to think of Christmas in Britain or on the other side of the world where everything's all cold and chilly.
It's true.
Because of course, here in Oz, it's boiling hot.
It's the middle of the summer.
So our experience of Christmas is very different.
My authentic Australian friend Adam, to give you a take on an authentic Australian Christmas.
What's going on in the Antipodes right now?
Oh mate, it's so hot.
Do you know what I did today?
I tell you what you did today.
What?
You put your whole Christmas dinner on the surfboard and your whole family went out to the sea and you had Christmas dinner on top of the surfy floater.
Oh mate, it was amazing, the surfy floater.
We decorated the whole of the floater and it was beautiful.
But it was so ruddy hot, you had to wear top-to-toe wetsuits.
Max Factor.
Max Factor number 76.
And we had a problem with the fairy lights, mate.
Because he had to have such a long string to get all the way to the pluggie.
Then you electrocuted all the flipping jellyfish.
And we electrocuted a load of dolphins, mate.
It was so uncool.
Somebody's making a documentary about it.
It was really bad.
But luckily, when we got back, there was a load of tennis.
Do you know that in Australia over Christmas, the sun never sets?
Is that true, mate?
Yeah, it's boiling hot.
It's one long sunny day from about November to February in Australia.
Do you know that?
I did know that, mate.
But now you've told it me again.
You remembered it.
Do you know the difference between this accent here, the Australian accent?
Yeah, and the New Zealand accent.
Oh, you're a New Zealand accent.
Yeah, no, I won't dwell on that.
Anyway, listen, we realise they're very poor Australian accents, but that was just a bit of fun because it's Boxing Day and anything goes.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music coming to you.
in a pre-recorded fashion from our little hut just outside the walls of the big British castle.
We've got a lovely log fire going.
We've been exchanging presents and there's still one more present to come.
I've had all my presents from Adam and really my cup runneth over.
I've had a a CD of Bob Dylan Christmas hits.
We might hear one a bit later.
I've had a brilliant novelty desktop toy that says one thing over and over again.
An Ant and Dex biography.
Ooh, what a lovely pair.
And that title of that biography is a pun, actually, so have a little think about that.
It refers to the Scruton.
And Joe's given me, actually Joe's given me sort of humblingly, genuinely nice presence, a comic book about Oprah Winfrey, David Byrne's Bicycle Diaries, which I will treasure, seriously.
And you've still got one lined up in the old present shoot.
But speaking of bicycle diaries, you know, something happened to me as I was coming into the
big British castle today that I wanted to talk to you about, nothing that exciting.
I was chaining up me a bike, mate, and the bike racks, you know, because I forgot that David Byrne designed a whole series of bespoke bike racks for New York City, like in different shapes, crazy shapes and stuff.
The shape of a car, the shape of an electric guitar.
Wasting his time.
So you can chain your bike up to those things.
Quite cool.
You don't get that in London town, do you?
Thanks, Ken Livingstone!
Not yet, but Boris Johnson is planning to bring the Paris scheme to London.
No, he keeps saying he will, but there's no sign of it, yeah.
It's all talk and no walk from Bojo, alright?
That's just my personal opinion, not the opinion of the Big British Castle.
But what I was doing was chaining up my bike, mate, and all the racks were used up.
They were all full on the racks, so I had to go for a lamppost.
In fact, it wasn't even a lamppost, it was just like a parking post, you know, with a parking sign on the top kind of thing.
And this chap, he was an Italian chap, I think.
He was just chaining up his bike quite close to mine.
And when he saw me chaining up my bike, he said, oh, no, no, no, no.
You should not put it there.
They steal it.
The thieves, they come along.
They lift the whole bike right up off the top of the post.
They take it.
It was about nine foot high, this post.
I really didn't think there was any serious danger of that happening.
But this guy said, no, no, no.
They lift it up.
I'm six foot two.
Yeah.
With how long are my arms?
Do you think two foot right three foot?
That's nine foot.
Is it I could probably get on that was taller than that then in that case.
It was 15 or 500 foot Was too tall to fit in a photograph or a standard bath.
I'm a manager off
Anyway, so he was giving me this advice about where to park my bike, and I'd already decided in my mind that I was happy chaining it up to this post, and I didn't feel that the threat of theft was significant enough for me to look for somewhere else to park it.
What do you do when you get advice from people on the street, though?
I mean, actually, what I did in the end was I took his advice.
He said, it's OK, I'm leaving now so you can use my space on the rack.
So I did.
I waited for him.
But it was a little bit annoying because he took a while to unchain his bike and I was in a bit of a hurry.
So I was like, I'm happy just training off on the post and everything.
But because he'd given me the advice, I felt obliged to wait for him to go.
But it was good advice.
I mean, I think you were right to follow his advice and he was right to give you the advice.
I don't like being told.
Well, in that situation, you reacted well, didn't you?
You decided to be told.
Advice.
Really?
How are you with advice from strangers, though?
Will you always follow it, or will you go, no, all right, mate, thanks.
I don't know.
It's too broad.
Fine.
I can't think of a specific incident.
Advice from strangers.
I don't like being told not to ride my bike on the pavement by the police.
That's different though, isn't it?
That's against the law.
That's already a stranger.
Advice from strangers.
You're going to have to give me more prep time.
Listen, I'll come back to you next Boxing Day.
I'll give you another example.
I'll give you another example.
You're doing your shopping, right?
You're in the supermarket.
You pick out some fruit.
A lady says, oh, no, no, no, you shouldn't have those.
Try these.
They're a little bit smaller, but they're a lot more juicy.
What do you say?
Like, no, I'm fine with this, just on your way.
They're more juicy.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Thanks, Miss.
I love them then.
And she's not pointing to fruit.
I'm trying to help you out because you're sat there giving me nothing.
All you're doing is saying, this is too broad.
Think of an occasion.
That's a good answer.
That's too broad.
Advice from strangers.
Well, can you play a record and I'll have time to think?
See, this is a case of the kind of thing Ant and Deck would never do.
Do you think Ant would say to Deck, oh, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here?
Or, no, this is too broad, Ant.
You're gonna have to get back to me in the jungle next year.
He'd call Nicky Appleton from the Spice Girls.
What's he doing with Nicky Appleton who wasn't in the Spice Girls?
Are you sure?
Let's play some more music and after this, have a present.
Hey, Nicky, it's Joe.
How you doing?
This is Devendra Bernhardt.
Yeah, listen, Adam was asking... Devendra Bernhardt.
I called him Devendra before, I think.
That was 16th in Valencia Roxy Music.
Do your little impression.
Devendra Bernhardt.
Thanks.
Devendra Bernhardt.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
I used to be in Roxy Music and I could do this with my throat.
You know what?
My paper cup that we've been drinking booze out of is disintegrating so that the bottom is threatening just to come right off because the booze is soaked right the way through the base.
My bottom's threatening to come right off.
What the heck is that all about?
What kind of paper cups are these?
Big British Castle paper cups.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
Happy Boxing Day listeners.
We're coming to you in a pre-recorded fashion from our little wooden shack just outside the walls of the castle and that crackling and snapping and popping you can hear is a lovely roaring log fire that we're keeping our cockles warm with.
Isn't it nice?
And we've been exchanging presents, because that's the traditional thing to do.
We didn't see each other on Christmas Day, so we're doing our present exchanging today.
Adam's already given me two top-notch presents.
Ant and Dex Biog, a Bob Dylan Christmas songs album.
In fact, he's given me three.
I just forgot about the really bad one.
Is that a rude thing to say?
No, that's fine.
No, it's fine.
No, it's good.
It's good.
It's a button.
You know what my alternative present was?
What?
Because in the end I gave you the executive toy, the button that says Easy.
As opposed to...
That was easy.
That's what it says, right?
Yeah, terrible as opposed to I was I actually was gonna be better I bought you a fairy sticker book.
No I love sticking fairies.
Well, exactly everyone does
and you know we could have chatted about stickers and what it was like as a youngster to covet stickers yes what about those stickers that you'd collect and you had to get them all and they had an image on the sort of jigsaw image on the flip side these were the star wars stickers weren't they and you could make a big picture of all the guys in the cockpit of the millennium falcon off of the backing things oh no they were the cards actually i'm getting confused aren't they they were the collector's cards my life and i've been confused some stickers are very rare aren't they
You know, what we used to do was send away to large companies and ask for their stickers.
Like, we'd send away and we'd pretend that we were Formula One racing drivers and we wanted the stickers for our cars.
That's a good angle.
And obviously we were not.
When you say we
Me and my friends aged around ten.
Right.
And so we'd do these little scrawly ten-year-old letters to whoever it was, Duckums Oil, and say, did you ever win?
Please, please, can we have some Duckums Oil stickers for our cars?
We're Formula One racing drivers.
And very nicely, they would almost always write back and send us loads of stickers and decals and stuff for the cast.
My brother did that.
He wrote to Rolls-Royce.
Did he?
Because he wanted a silver lady off the front of a Rolls-Royce.
Whoa, he's aiming high.
Well, he didn't get the silver lady, but he did get a metal RR plate.
Whoa.
I was very jealous.
That's the thing, man, if you're charming, if you can be bothered to write a letter and have a little charm in that letter, this is going out to all the youngsters listening to this show, you can pretty much get what you want.
All sorts of stuff, yeah.
You really can.
Be charming and make a bit of an effort with the letter.
There was a book when we were kids called Fun for Free, do you remember that?
I think it was a Puffin or Penguin book.
And it had loads of addresses of companies that you could write off to to get stickers and promotional goodies that seemed like very valuable things to kids.
Sure.
I'm sure a similar book exists now.
If you can be bothered to put pen to paper and be a little bit polite and you've got some manners, the world is your oyster.
But not when we're concerned.
No.
We've got nothing to give.
We're giving that nothing.
So don't bother writing to us, because all you're getting is a slap.
That's not true.
Might get a little photo.
Listen, here's my final present to Count Buckley's.
I'm handing it over right now.
Ah, now this.
Give us an assessment of the wrapped gift.
What do you think is in there?
What are we looking at here?
I initially thought it was a DVD.
It's around those dimensions.
My plan has worked.
But what is it?
Is it a DVD with crazy packaging or something, perhaps?
Or is it a DVD wrapped in a card?
I'm going to take off the packaging right now.
Now, I'm experimenting with certain aspects of this gift.
He has wrapped something around this.
There is, I think, a DVD inside, but I'm gonna have a look at it now.
It is a poster.
Should I look at the DVD first or the poster first?
Whatever you want.
You look at the poster first.
What the heckins?
It is a NME Awards 2009 shockwaves poster featuring the kings of Leon.
And it's number six of a limited edition set of six, which presumably you've got from the NME, right?
Well, it was free in NME.
Do you think that's wrong to give away?
And that, it's a double whammy, that is covering a copy on DVD of the film Nuts, starring Barbara Streisand and Richard Dreyfus, or Dreyfus if you prefer.
Here's the synopsis of the film, Nuts.
On the back, the pending case.
The people of the state of New York versus Claudia Draper.
The issue is Claudia mentally competent to stand trial.
Sure, she's shocking, outspoken, explosive, defiant, but is she NUTS?
More to the point, who cares?
Well, did you say that or was that on the back?
No, it's not on the back.
It's a great film, Nuts.
Who's it directed by?
Who is directed by?
Of course, Nuts has a different, it doesn't really have the same connotation in America than it does in Britain.
No, this is nuts as in crazy.
Yeah.
It's directed by... I don't know.
Who is it directed by?
It's someone quite big league, isn't it?
Martin... Martin Ritz.
No, he must have done something.
Have you seen nuts?
I don't think I've ever seen nuts.
Of course you haven't seen nuts.
But that's a good caster, isn't it?
Dreyfuss and Streisand.
Surely it's good.
Look at Streisand on the front there.
She's nuts.
Absolutely nuts.
He's a weird actor, isn't he, Richard Dreyfus?
He can really turn his hand to some quite bizarre substandard material when he... Kippendorf's tribe, Mr. Holland's Opus.
You know, Mr. Holland's Opus is one of Andrew Collins's favourite films.
It isn't.
Yeah, he's written some very moving essays about how much he loves that film.
He's insane.
But everyone has a film like that, you know, which is hard to... Yeah, mine's Kippendorf's tribe.
Is it?
I like the scene where the family gather round with a block of wood and an axe and circumcise the sun.
That's a good Christmas movie, it sounds like.
I've got a soft spot for Holland's Opus.
I agree with Andrew Collins.
Do you?
I like the bit where his son gives him a sign language version of Imagined by John Lennon.
Really?
Maybe I'm poo-pooing it unnecessarily.
Maybe it's a masterpiece.
Back off with a poo-poo.
I did see it at the cinema.
I mean, it's very handsomely made, I seem to remember.
Sure, sure.
It's one of those films, though, a little bit like, er... What am I thinking of?
Totally over-sentimental gush-fest.
Usually they have Robin Williams in them, you know?
It's not as bad as Patch Adams.
Right.
Bicentennial Man, is it as good as that?
That's an interesting one, isn't it?
Bicentennial Man.
Is it as good as Sim 1?
Are you happy with that present, though?
That's a double.
That's Barbara Streisand's nuts on DVD.
Is that fair enough to give away as a present something that came free with the magazine?
Yes.
Yeah?
Because it's the thought that counts.
It's really great.
Anyone who assesses their presents by pure commercial value is a cold-hearted, Scrooge-like, non-Christmas person.
Sure.
I love the Kings of Leon.
I will actually watch nuts as well as the other thing.
What will you do with that Kings of Leon poster?
Maybe offer it to my sons to put on their wall.
They're very hip band.
Well it'd be kind of cool because at the moment they just got Ben 10 posts isn't it?
Right.
So it'd be quite good to step it up to the... Kings of Leon, yeah yeah yeah yeah, impress their friends.
Exactly.
They talk about sex being on fire.
I know, how outrageous is that?
That's racy.
That is racy.
Certainly for the under 10s.
Woo hoo!
Gonna have another sip of my tinny mate.
Good idea mate.
So that's the present giving over, it's a bit disappointing isn't it?
Do you think
And we never even said, the final present.
That's a bit of appropriation there that everybody does.
As soon as the word the final anything is mentioned, the phrase the final blah blah blah, you have to sing the final pizza or the final, whatever it is.
Do you think that everything is better wrapped in paper with a ribbon around it?
Do you think if everything in the world was wrapped in paper with a ribbon around it, people, vehicles, buildings?
If I asked that question, you would.
What, you mean like Christo, the artist?
Yeah.
No.
No.
Can we move on?
Sure.
What were you getting at then?
I'm getting at presents.
Are they more exciting before they're wrapped or after they're wrapped?
Is the very act of wrapping something, does it make it extra exciting?
Of course it does.
What kind of question is that?
It's like the difference between a scantily clad woman and a nude woman.
The scantily clad woman is infinitely more tantalizing.
We say this every year, don't we?
Because it's eroticizing it, yeah.
I think we do pretty much say this every year.
This Christmas show is more or less the same every year.
We drink a little bit too much and we just talk complete rubbish in a similar way.
and we have Booker T and the MG's on in the background.
Although they've faded out a little bit, but let's not worry about that.
Oh, they're back again.
Here's a Christmasy track.
This is Radiohead with Karma Police.
Well, folks, we have run out of time.
Can you believe it?
Boxing Day is nearly over for us here at the Big British Castle.
Thanks very much for listening if you've listened to the whole show.
Thanks very much for listening if you've listened to part of the show.
Also, Boxing Day isn't over at the Big British Castle, because obviously it's like just the middle of the day.
And if you stick around, you will be hearing John Harris with his extraordinary programme.
Fantastic and funny anecdotes all about the world of rock and roll coming your way, courtesy of Mr Harris.
He is a provocative young man.
He appears on Radio 4's culture programme with Mark Lawson every now and again.
And... Does he say very contrary things?
Sometimes he does.
He's a bit wilfully... He's a bit of a wilful contrarian.
That's good.
That's fun to have someone like that around.
I love it.
They keep the party popping.
But I feel intimidated by him because he's very politically well informed as well.
Right.
You know, he's having his cake and eat it in rather a frustrating and annoying way.
Well, he's just being good.
Yeah.
I might stick around and punch him in the face.
Do that.
I'd like to watch this.
I've had too much to drink.
Hey, and Adam and I should say thank you to every listener to our waffle over the year who's contributed or sent in stuff or emailed us and texted us.
We really rely on all your contributions.
As you can see, we're pretty much at sea when we don't have any, as the last three hours will have illustrated.
Yeah, it all goes to little woolly, doesn't it?
But a merry, a heartfelt merry Christmas and a happy new year to every single listener.
Who cares?
I agree with Joe what he just said I sincerely do you know I'm really gonna miss you listeners and I can't wait to be back with you here on BBC six music I hope it's not too long until that day comes but have a wonderful rest of your happy season and a wonderful new year hope it brings everything you want it to bring take care of yourselves I love you bye bye bye thanks for listening