The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (19 December 2009)

Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle.

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in there.

I'm Professor Yaffle.

That was Brother Ray Charles there with Shaker Tail Feather.

I call him Brother Ray.

Yeah, that's good.

You're such a keen churchgoer.

We're very tight.

And it's nice to be with you listeners on this cold and frosty morning.

Hi, I'm Adam.

Hey, I'm Joe.

Welcome to our Ultimate Pen live show here at the BBC.

It's our penultimate show.

It's our last live show for a while.

It's very exciting.

We're here with you live until 1 p.m.

Yeah.

And we've got all sorts of stuff and nonsense.

We have got a big overloaded sack of goodies for you.

If you've been missing a little invasive, stinky dog that comes into the studio, we might be focusing quite, you know, in quite a sustained way on that dog.

We got a song wars for you, in fact, don't we?

We do.

Kind of.

Well, it's a non-competitive song wars.

Exactly.

Christmas song wars.

Yeah, it's like Pipes of Peace.

That's right.

When they had a little footy game.

With a little foot match.

How would you describe that?

It's not a song war.

It's a song truce.

It's a song armistice, right.

I mean, what would happen, though, if like back in the trenches they had the little footy game and then some yobs got on the pitch?

A fight broke out, you know, and the British team, the fans ruined it for the match.

And people started using the weapons they were using for the proper war.

Yeah.

But just after shooting people going, I don't mean it.

And then Danny Dyer turns up.

He steams in there, all steaming in.

And he got steaming in like with the Germans and then with the British as well.

He don't care, he's steaming in.

No, nah, boo.

That would be typical of football, hooliganism and violence, always ruining the game.

It would ruin the whole war though as well.

I mean, the stench would absolutely pollute the rest of the jolly good war.

Well, thank God it's just a fantasy.

Thank goodness it didn't happen, because the chaps kept their end up.

Listen, I went to wash my hands after visiting the little man's room just before the show, and then I dried them on the paper towels in there.

They smell of vomit.

The paper towels just smell of puke.

Have you noticed that?

What?

A sort of scent they've permeated.

I don't know.

I don't know if it's deliberately puke scented, but it's strong and lingering.

You know what I'm going to have to do?

I'm going to have to use some hand cream.

Do that.

Put some hand sanitizer on.

Put some hand cream.

Hand cream will just rub the stink in.

Let's talk about that more while we have a little bit of music.

What's this song?

Christmas Baby Please Come Home by Slow Club.

Is that what it is?

They're a folk rock duo from Sheffield, England.

My mouth's just warming up.

I cycled in.

Did you?

I've got icicles on my nose.

The tops of my ears are nearly coming off.

I need to defrost a little.

This is Slow Club.

There you go, Slow Club, and there's a picture of them on our info sheet here.

The guy, it's two people, a man and a lady.

The man looks a little bit like Ross from Friends.

Little bit.

And the lady looks a little bit like Phoebe from Friends.

And they're sat in just their front room.

It looks like a sort of slightly retro front room, doesn't it?

They've got an old style heater there.

Looks a little bit sixties.

Fifties, sixties.

I don't know, but that was nice, wasn't it?

It was a cover of Darlene Love's Christmas Classic, which was penned by Phil Spector.

There's some info for you, Adam.

Very nice.

And I was just slapping my face there, listeners, to try and get myself awake.

Because I was feeling a little bit sluggish.

I was slapping my own face.

Do you ever do that?

I don't do it.

It's like when you tickle yourself and it's... one doesn't react.

Yeah.

As hard as I can slap myself, it doesn't really feel that... Do you want me to slap you?

Well, I was thinking, because that would really hurt, wouldn't it?

I mean, that would shock me.

But you can't really get the same effect when you slap yourself.

It's because somewhere deep down one holds back.

Yeah.

Don't you think?

Yeah, of course, of course.

Do you think you could actually give yourself a really shocking, surprising slap in the face?

Probably.

Probably the jackass guys could do that.

Yeah.

Don't you reckon?

And what were you saying there when you saw me slapping my face?

Well, that my wife sometimes does it when she's driving along the motorway.

To try and keep herself desperately awake.

Yeah.

While she's driving at high speeds.

Exactly, with our family in the back.

That's not very relaxing.

And I say to her like, don't do that.

That's not inspiring confidence in the passengers there.

What if she slapped herself too hard and slapped herself unconscious?

Do you ever have fantasies when you're driving in the car about what would happen if the driver lost control?

Yeah.

Do you ever go through the, you know, the basic actions you take?

What do you do first?

You reach across to the wheel?

Handbrake and wheel would be my thing.

Handbrake you're going to go for on the motorway?

Well, how do you get to the footbrake?

Push their lifeless leg down.

What if it slips off the thing?

And goes onto the accelerator.

I mean, the way to avoid that is to do like Short Round does in Temple of Doom.

Well, actually, he just ties a box to his foot, doesn't he?

So he can reach the pedal.

But if you tied your wife's foot to the pedal,

to the brake, then you guarantee simply by depressing the knee, you could gain control of the brake.

That wouldn't be the only thing that was depressed at that point.

What about just tying a... Come on, come on!

What about just tying a box to your foot as a matter of course before you get into a car as a passenger?

That's a good idea, so you can quickly swing your foot over the gear stick.

That should be in the highway code.

The other way to go is to... Hold onto your potatoes, Dr. Jones!

Grab onto the steering wheel with your left hand, say, and with your right hand reach under and push down on the brake to slow the car down.

I mean, that's a risky strategy.

Some people have been in this situation when you watch the Pride of Britain Awards.

Most of the kids have done that.

A lot of kids have to do that when their dads pass out.

I've seen very moving stories about that kind of thing, haven't you?

Little kids saving their parents when they drop off at the wheel.

Yes.

Is this festive?

It is, yeah.

It's a festive combo.

That's what it's all about.

Hey listen, we should get into Black Squadron listeners.

Black Squadron are the slightly less elite listening force.

You are very... That listen to this programme.

Well we can't belittle the achievements of the original Black Squadron.

Right.

Hardcore Squadron.

They were up at nine.

But these are the same people.

Yeah but they're the same people who've had about an hour's more kit.

Okay.

Well not kit but they just haven't been focusing.

Well here's your jingle squadron.

Always catch the beginning of the show Flack squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one, black squadron roll Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron's power

And yeah, we're going to issue a command in a second.

The idea is that we issue a command, a sort of verbal theme, and we'd like you to take a photo on that verbal theme and send it to us at 64046, or email it to us, Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk, and then your pictures will go up on our blog on the website.

I mean, that's good enough, isn't it?

It's great.

It's an amazing reward.

And last week's response was a little bit...

What's the word?

Well, not amazingly impressive, comparatively speaking.

It was just, it was...whelming rather than overwhelming.

Yeah, we got about a hundred photos on the blog there.

We usually get about a hundred and fifty.

So I think that was because the command was a bit confusing.

It was prehistoric life and it maybe wasn't specific enough.

This week we focus-grouped our Black Squadron command and it's very specific and you'll know exactly what to do when you hear it.

So stand by those cameras and are we going to have some... Oh, I tell you what, the other thing I should say is, texts will be charged at your standard message rate.

Thank you, Dermot.

We want a record-breaking response, Squadron, because it almost sounded like you went into the Queen there for a moment.

We want a lara, lara, record-breaking, responsible on the bed.

Oh, that sounded like you did go into her.

That sounded just like her.

That was a lot like it, wasn't it?

That was weird.

I can do a good Queen impression.

What can I tell you?

We want a record-breaking response, right?

Because it's the last live Black Squadron command for a little while.

So, and it's a nice seasonal one as well.

And also, I have a free play coming up as soon as Joe issues the command.

It's the first of my favorite free play choices.

Like, my favorite songs that I have played as free plays over the last couple of years.

Nice.

And this one is going to be by Spoon, and it's called, appropriately enough, Black Like Me, from their album, Gaga.

Terrific.

So, Black Squadron, stand by for your command.

Here we go, Black Squadron.

Your command this week is, human Christmas tree.

Jackie's are running around shouting in the background.

I don't know, I'm having a look at the Black Squadron photos and there's some terrific interpretations of the command which was human Christmas tree.

There's a guy here, he's obviously got, what's he done there?

Has he got two Christmas trees or has he actually chopped his Christmas tree in two for the sake of the command?

because there's sort of a Christmas tree that goes up to headlight.

You know what he's done?

He's got a artificial Christmas tree that comes in sections.

Ah, and he's detached the top section and inserted his head.

Quite right.

So it looks as if he's part of a Christmas tree and put a hat on top.

That's very good.

I mean, there's all sorts of very effective interpretations here.

She's just wrapped some beads around her.

What's her name?

Her name is DSC 00041.

There's a, um, apparently nude lady as well with a bit of tinsel tape around.

Oh, there's another one!

Oh, looks a little bit young.

What about that one?

He's just inserted a bauble into his mouth and two other baubles in the eyes.

He looks weird.

This is very inventive.

What's his name?

Uncle Zaki.

That's good stuff.

We should keep the black squadron lines open a little longer than normal, don't you think?

I think so, certainly because we're getting a certain amount of topless photos here.

with tinsel over the private bits.

So, yeah, let's keep the gates open.

Let's keep it open until at least 10 o'clock today, okay, Black Squadron, so you can continue to take photographs of yourselves as human Christmas trees.

I mean, that's not the actual reason we're going to keep it open.

Obviously, it's not a prurient...

Reason that we're doing it, we're doing it for fun in the name of fun.

Now listen, it's nearly Christmas.

This is kind of art.

We've got a Christmas pre-record that's going out next week at this time.

Do you think Christmas pre-records are acceptable?

Like my lady partner was watching Jamie Oliver's Festive Family Feast on telly and I was watching it, I was thinking, well this was no doubt filmed in October.

They were having all the fireworks and stuff, but there were plenty of leaves on the trees when they went outside.

It clearly wasn't Christmas.

So you just got the impression that Jamie and his extended family had been written large checks by Channel 4 to just turn up at a big house in October and have a pretend Christmas party.

Do you know it felt a little bit weird?

That's the reality of TV production though, Jobo.

It's lies and the British public won't stand for lies in the media anymore.

That's true.

I think there should be an outrage about Jamie's pre-recorded Christmas fast.

Well, they should declare at the beginning of the programme, this programme was recorded in midsummer.

Yeah, that kind of thing.

I mean, maybe it wasn't, it might have been recorded just a few weeks ago.

Our Christmas pre-record was recorded a couple of weeks ago, so it was a wintery affair.

Yeah.

And we, I mean, I use the word a couple.

A wintery affair?

Yeah, it was wintery.

We warmed our cockles with alcohol and exchanged... That's one of my favourite Jilly Cooper novels.

Presents, warmed my cockles with alcohol.

No, a wintery affair.

But our producer, James, has got little presents for us on our desks this morning as we come in.

I mean, I feel bad, James.

I haven't got you anything.

Do you want a grape?

Well, here's a rubber ball.

It's bouncy.

Come on.

Ball in a bouncy ball.

So we're going to open these presents.

Look, it's a T-shirt.

Oh, here you go.

Wow.

It's a Kilboggins T-shirt.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Now, who did that drawing?

That drawing's by a listener, isn't it?

Yeah, that's the drawing that's up on our blog.

On our blog.

The name of the person who did that design.

This guy gave me this design when he came to a gig that I did at the 100 Club.

Did you have these specially made, James?

Wow.

That's brilliant, James.

That's very brilliant.

How very touching.

I've got a Save Boggins one and Joe's got a Kill Boggins one.

Really?

Yeah.

That's perfect.

This is the theme of our Song Wars today, listeners.

So later on in the programme, maybe, I don't know, in the next hour or so, Joe and myself are going to unveil our pro and anti-Boggins songs.

I'm doing Save Boggins, broadly speaking, and Joe's doing a Kill Boggins song.

So there's that to look forward to.

Also, we have a kind of boggins panto for you a bit later on in the show, maybe towards the very end.

But right now, here's a bit more music for you.

This is Sly and the Family Stone with Everyday People.

It's a bit of a woolly manifesto he's got there.

And so on and so on and Scooby Dooby Dooby.

It's fine, it's fine.

You don't need to go into the details.

It's a broad swipe of a manifesto.

I think that's what Gordon Brown's speech at Copenhagen was basically.

Yeah, well that's what they're all agreeing on.

So on and so on and Scooby Dooby Dooby and seven years.

We should be fine.

Yeah, it's the and so on and so on.

That's the sticking point.

Yeah, nobody wants to commit to that.

Hey, listen, these black squadron photos have really taken off now.

People are starting to put the old fairy lights around the body.

You must be very careful, obviously not to electrocute yourselves.

And if you do, we take no responsibility whatsoever.

but it looks very fantastic.

For instance, there's a picture of a young lady called Rihanna from Wantage who looks simply spectacular with some dangerous lights wrapped around her body.

She's bedecked.

Look at this one as well.

He's got blue lights and he's doing a kind of motion blur thing.

He's standing in a bucket with... Oh, I think we'd better close that one.

He doesn't seem to be wearing trousers or pants.

It's a little bit unsettling.

You never know quite what you're going to get when you click on these photos.

They come through thumbnail size so you can't see the detail and you double click them and wallop.

That's right.

Sometimes it's quite shocking.

In the thumbnail it might look like baubles.

The Wyatt family in Winchester have sent a photo of Sam aged 12 with some baubles hanging off his index fingers quite gracefully there and a mini cracker in his mouth.

Aw, that's nice.

Very touching, very Christmasy.

Please keep these coming in.

As Adam just announced, we will keep the Black Squadron floodgates open until 10 o'clock is unprecedented.

Festive expansion.

This time next week, boy, it's all gonna be over.

What will it be when it's Christmas?

Is it Friday?

Friday.

So this time next week will be Boxing Day.

It's gonna be Boxing Day.

I do like Boxing Day.

I like Boxing Day.

Sometimes you get the best movies on Boxing Day.

The best movies!

I can't believe I passed Norby.

Why does everything just end up as Silla?

Because it all gravitates back to... It's like Godzilla is taking over all comedy voices.

It said 30 is the news.

What's it called when you have that kind of chord there at the end, that little change in mood?

Bob.

Yeah.

Nice use of Bob there by the Gilamots.

That was trains to Brazil.

Thank you.

Listen, it's erratum time.

Is it?

Erratum.

Time to put rights and wrongs.

Yeah, I just said that the Black Squadron floodgates will be open until 10 and of course it's till 11.

I made some timing based mistakes last week as well.

Well a couple of weeks back you said we started an hour earlier Yeah, whereas of course what I was referring started an hour later I've got a little correction here actually on a couple of points from Neil 21 in time and we're Just wanted to point out that the ultrasound guy joke which we told a couple of weeks back, which you told jokes

Has been told many times before I even heard it on the Chris Moyles show also he says we were talking about some guy who's going to have a themed party for the year for the date 12 12 12 and I couldn't figure out why he's and he said he was going to invite lots of roadies of course it's because roadies say one two one two one two yeah so that's their roadie party on 12 12 12 and

He says, uh, also to contribute to textination, we're just about to do retro textination, I used to think that contact lenses were made from glass they use in spectacles.

I was recently corrected by an attractive lady who I got into a conversation about with, oh, this is rubbish, I shouldn't have read that bit.

I like that I was recently corrected by an attractive lady.

But you know, when Adam and I make mistakes, we tend to just ignore them.

But then, because we do read all the correspondence we get, sometimes you just get an avalanche of people correcting you.

Thanks for those incidentally, Neil.

I wasn't implying that your whole message was rubbish.

I appreciated it.

We appreciate the vigilance of our listeners.

Very much so.

Putting things right.

Very much so.

But isn't it nice to know that you can relax for a while, listeners?

And we'll just be getting things wrong in our own life with private.

With no one to put us right except our nearest and dearest.

And they're too frightened to do so.

Shall we have the retro text the nation, Jingle?

Yes.

I like to listen to Adam and Jo But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because reds protect the nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of throwing the bench and forgotten about

There we go.

A special Christmas treat, listeners.

We had bin and trash there simultaneously.

That was created by a listener whose name is Dan Harris, especially to placate bin haters or bin lovers.

Trash haters and trash lovers.

That is beautiful.

It's a beautiful sentiment for this time of year.

The meldging of the bin and the trash.

Meldging?

That's like a fusion between merging and melding.

Yeah.

What do you call it as a portmanteau word, isn't it?

Is it?

I believe so.

Like it.

Here is Retro Text the Nation this week.

Listen, it's about homemade presents.

Best or worst that you ever done or got, yeah.

And we had some very nice ones in last week.

There's a picture on the blog of the Jabba the Hutt poo, I believe.

Is that up there already, James?

We were talking about that last week.

here's a message from Mark Tyler.

Dear Han Jolo, an old bucky one.

Please find attached to the poo with the face.

Jabber the poo is currently in Essex and I am in Switzerland, so please thank my sister Penny Tyler for sending the picture to me.

Love you, bye!

Mark Tyler.

It's a very amusing little jabber the poo, not revolting in any way, just heartwarming.

It's made of

Clay.

It's made of clay, right?

Yeah, and it's greasy.

So go to, what's the blog address?

Here it is.

BBC.co.uk slash blog slash Adam and Jo, all one word.

And you'll find a cornucopia of delights.

So here are the best retrospective entries we got for last week's Text the Nation.

Here's one from Dave Moore.

I've edited this down a bit for impact.

That's right.

My student girlfriend, who is now my ex, made me a plaster cast of her boobs for Christmas.

I had this one!

Great boobs, great present.

Dave Moore.

Oh, is that it?

Yeah, I edited it down for impact.

Do you want to read the rest of it out?

Sure, I like that.

I mean, the rest of it goes into how he used them to keep keys in, and he put them on the top of that wardrobe, and then eventually he floated them down to Thames, down to Thames, in a Viking-style burial, with little candles on them.

Exactly, because he said it was a little bit weird, like, when, after he stopped going out with the girl who made the plaster cast of her boobs, and he started going out with other girls, questions were, you know, not surprisingly asked about where his head was at.

Who's are those boobs in the corner?

I mean, that's totally unacceptable, isn't it?

Dave, who's are those boobs?

They're not mine.

Who's are they in the corner on the wardrobe?

Who's are those boobs?

They're looking at me.

It's very disconcerting for a woman to have more than one pair in the house.

And for a man, I think.

You know, a lot of Dave Moore's guests were asking questions about where Dave Moore was at.

But it's like one of those portraits that follows you around the room.

Yes, exactly.

Especially if she'd done it on a cold day, the plaster cast.

But that's a good present.

That is a good present.

Done it on a cold day.

I mean, in the sixties, they had plaster casts of all parts of the body.

Yeah.

And it's gone out of fashion a little bit, I feel, but maybe something to bring back.

Well, in the sixties, people used to have those plaster casts on their front doors, didn't they?

Did they?

That's what you used to do as doormarks.

As doormarks.

Your territory, yeah.

plaster casts of your julies were talking.

Yeah.

Just in the sixties hung on the front of your house.

That's right.

Jimi Hendrix.

That was the tradition.

This is a big door knocker.

It went out at the end of the sixties.

Good message though, thanks Dave.

Let's have another one quickly, otherwise we're going to run out of time.

Do some more.

Here's one from Nick Dollings.

He says, hello, my blind grandmother was a dab hand with the knitting needle.

Knitting needle?

Knitting needle.

One year, she knitted my brother a bottle green chunky knit sweater.

What made it really special though, was the two tassels she added where his nipples would be.

One tassel for each nipple.

She's no longer with us.

Cheerio, Nick Collins.

That's nice though, isn't it?

That's very nice.

What was Granny thinking about that?

She couldn't see, isn't that the point?

Yeah, but she's made the tassels.

Everyone loves tassels on a jumper.

I put a couple of tassels over for your nipples.

Why?

Because then you can make them spin around.

You can make them jazzy, spin around, that kind of thing.

You can still be warm but have the fun of a dancing girl.

David Belfast says, I once photocopied the listings for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day from the festive radio times.

Then I highlighted my recommendations with a little commentary on the side, unmissable, avoid, simply must see, stinker, etc.

It went down an absolute treat.

I did the photocopy on a nice big A3 page for ease of use.

It's the dream gift for any TV lover for the holiday season.

I don't know about that being like the main gift.

I think he blew it up to A3 and he probably, I mean I'm guessing here, he probably mounted them on some poly board.

He laminated it or something.

Possibly.

And then gave them his gifts.

I think that's very good.

Even so.

I don't know if that's it.

Dream gift.

And he says, it went down in absolute dreams.

It is the dream gift.

It is the dream gift, so I'm wrong.

But I would think that in my house that would be considered more of a dream accessory, not like the main present.

Yeah, but it's time-saving.

So darling, I think you're really going to like what I've got.

You've got me a laminated photocopy of the listings.

Shall we watch Noel's Christmas presents?

Well, let's just check.

Stinker.

No, let's not.

Dave says it's a stinker.

This is the best gift I've ever got.

Saving me so much time.

Any more?

That's it for me.

I've got lots more, but maybe we should let's have some more later on yeah.

Here's the mode Did you know that depression mode fans are called modus?

Yes?

This is fragile tension

Unusual sort of farting sounds on the end of that record.

Electronic noises from Depeche Mode there, that was fragile tension.

Adam and Jo here on BBC, six music.

It's our last stats.

Stats time.

Black Squadron photo count is 104 and Lucy still hasn't counted them all in and there's still 10 minutes to go to get your human Christmas tree photo in.

We want to try and break the 150 mark.

Come on.

It's like the Blue Peter Totalizer.

but not for charity.

So bear that in mind when you dress yourself up as a Christmas tree.

If you want them charged at some kind of special message rate, TOVE LOCK!

I gotta be strong.

Just keep pushing on.

There's always gonna be another mountain.

I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

Always gonna be an uphill battle.

Sometimes, you're gonna have to lose.

Ain't about how fast I get there.

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.

It's the climb.

This is really moving, man.

Is this just off the top of your head?

Is this spontaneous?

I'm freestyling because it's the last show.

It's really inspiring, though.

Yeah.

You know, it's a little bit like Terry Wiggins when he bowed out yesterday.

He had a very emotional show.

Did you hear that?

I didn't hear it.

Wonderful.

Absolutely uplifting.

Was it?

Yeah.

He made a wonderful speech at the end.

Is he gone for good then?

No, he said he's back in February.

At the end.

Till we're back together in February.

But he's changing his slot, isn't he?

Yeah, I mean having his slot removed and put somewhere else.

Yeah, he's having the slot operation.

He's in hospital till February.

Having the slot moved.

The operation itself doesn't take long, but it takes a while to recover from it.

Yeah, it's just very sore and raw.

You've got all the tubes coming out.

For God's sake, don't use it until it's fully healed.

otherwise all kinds of damage could be done no but his show like his morning breakfast slot oh wake up with Wiggins that came to an end and it was really emotional it was in all the papers so I'm trying to do anything about us in the papers no well we didn't we know we've only been here two years so

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.

It's the climb.

Keep on moving.

Keep climbing.

Keep the faith, baby.

I'm talking to you listeners.

It's all about the climb.

Keep the faith.

Keep your faith.

What is this?

What do you mean, what is this?

It's some new soul to soul.

It's the Christmas number one, isn't it?

Is it?

It's going to be.

Is that what Joe thingy is saying?

Rage against the swear box, have anything to do with it?

Yeah, that's Joe McKeldry.

No way.

With his pretty plastic face.

He's handsome, don't you think?

Do you think?

Of course he's handsome.

Yeah, he's handsome.

He looks like a Jeff Koons sculpture.

Absolutely.

You know, faultless porcelain man.

But does he have any kind of discernible personality?

Of course he does.

They've just tried to limit it and control it.

It just seems unbelievable to me that he would have the trifecta, the amazing voice, the wonderful looks which he undoubtedly has, and the personality?

Surely not.

Come on.

I mean, so far he's hiding it, but I don't know if he's going to bring out the big guns when it really counts and suddenly unleash the personality.

What kind of personality do you think it's going to be?

I don't know, that's what I'm saying.

What kind of personality do you reckon he's got under there?

I think really belligerent and rude and foul-mouthed.

Right, right.

And really filthy.

Because at the moment he's keeping it all locked down.

He seems very anodised and cute, but I don't think that's the truth at all.

I think he's got some really quite shocking tattoos.

Just under the very top of his shirt collar is a really quite breathtaking word.

But if he just looked up too high, it would pop out from under his collar and it would make mums and dads blush.

What kind of word?

Front?

Spelled F-R-U-N-T.

Something along those lines.

Oh my goodness.

Best of luck, Joe Mckeldree with that climb.

Oh, this is your free play now, Joe.

Yeah, what is this?

It's a bit of kinkery or something.

This is good.

This is called Now Drop Your Bombshell.

Love it.

That's the specials there with Ghost Town.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Nice to be with you listeners.

Just gone 11 o'clock.

Time check for you there.

Don't usually do them, but, you know, it's a Christmas gift for you.

You can have that.

It's free.

You can put it with your laminated copy of the TV listings.

Do you ever watch Dickinson's Real Deal, Joe?

It comes on every morning.

There are a couple of shows that come on every morning.

There's a man in a suit that goes looking around people's houses.

There's a lot of them.

He looks very tired.

He's been doing it every morning for the last two or three years.

Taking a deep breath and then talking about some really blank kitchen.

He hasn't got his own house.

He's an itinerant.

I feel sorry for him.

Deacon said I feel less sorry for him.

Where did Dickinson start?

Was he Bargain Basement Hunt or something?

Yeah, I don't know.

He was an expert on one of those antiques programs.

He's a ridiculous, if you don't know for some reason who he is, he's a ludicrous oily man who does, he's an antiques expert.

He's orange.

He's orange, he's got a larger-than-life personality, he seems like an amiable fellow and

He, on Dickinson's real deal, he and a team of so-called experts evaluate, or valuate rather, things that people have brought in, valuate.

Isn't that the word?

Rather than evaluate.

Well, no, evaluate is something else.

Evaluate is specifically about putting a monetary value on something.

I think so, yeah.

to evaluate you can do without actually talking specifically about money.

Anyway, they've got like a little coterie of experts, all of whom have variously outrageous personalities.

Yes.

One of them.

Have you seen the sort of very flamboyantly... Is this the one where they turn off for the money?

Yeah.

And the person has to refuse the money.

It's got a bit of deal or no deal in there.

It's the one.

And they have the money found... Oh no, he counts it onto the table, doesn't he?

And it's pathetic amounts.

like it's about six pounds yeah four pounds oh what about five pounds why that what about six pounds so someone brings their Toby jug collection however and they put them on the table and he's saying hmm I like and this there's like an outrageously flamboyant Queenie guy there right always got to be one of those

Who looks, I mean, he looks like a caricature, a sort of offensive caricature of a flamboyant queen that would come out of a sitcom in the 70s, right?

Weirdly dyed hair and a very loud garish shirt, loads of jangly gold jewellery on and stuff.

And he kind of talks like this.

And he says, right, look at your toby jugs, OK?

I'm thinking, what do you think?

What do you want for them?

And the person says, well, OK, well, before you answer, I'm going to put down 10 pounds.

And the person says, I was hoping for a little bit more.

OK, what about if I put down another five pounds?

Is that good?

Or would you want more?

It's weird, like, obviously they're going to always want more.

And they always look very embarrassed, the people with their objects, because it's a sort of shameful thing they're doing.

They're going on TV and they're sitting there with their Toby Jugs or whatever, and they're just asking people for money.

Can I have a bit more money?

Please, can I have a bit more money?

You know what would be great is if you gave me a tiny bit more money.

It's such a weird show.

It is an odd show.

It's a step away from just rifling through bins, don't you think?

Yeah.

That would be a good morning show as well.

I mean, they don't really need the objects, you know what I mean?

They could just do it without, like, with the person going up to a presenter looking a bit embarrassed.

Right.

Hello.

Nice to meet you, Charlotte.

Now, how much money would you like?

I'd like, um, please could I have about 20 pounds?

No.

I'm going to give you 15 pounds.

Is that okay?

Well, I was hoping for 20.

I'm not going to give you that, though.

There's 15 pounds.

I'm sorry.

There's no way I'm going to give you 20.

Off you go.

Thanks a lot.

Bye.

That's how it's going to end up.

You know, they'll just cut out the middle man.

Get rid of the objects.

That's a good idea for a show.

Yeah, do you reckon?

Yeah, I think so.

Can I have some money?

Especially during these hard-hit recessionary times.

Give us some money.

Just give us some money.

You could ask the person what they might do for the money.

Yes.

Could be a late-night program.

Right, with some flamboyant, colourful prose on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a nice idea.

Here's Sugarhill Gang with Apache.

Got a much brighter delivery style in the old days of rap, don't you think?

Yeah, they really did.

Like, like, salesman or something.

Do how would you like to do a bit of rap a rapper rap rap rap rap?

I like rapping rapping so much.

I'm always rapping rap rap I could be a rapper.

Good night.

They should bring that style back.

It's much more upbeat.

That's right I'm absolutely furious.

I've shot you in the head.

I'm a gangster rapper from this That's a very cliched view of hip-hop there.

I'm fusing genre is it very reductive you say that but then when you actually listen to hip-hop It's generally like that

BBC six music good morning listeners we've got a sort of a song wars type thing to do now song wars hasn't been around for a while for various medical and personal reasons but it's back to celebrate our penultimate program here on BBC six music until our a little bit of a break next year last live show so let's have the song was jingle hey it's time for song wars the war of the songs a couple of

Now, we should both apologise if our Song Wars efforts are a tiny bit slapdash this week.

Yeah.

Also, I mean, it's a double slap in the face in a way because they are boggins based.

Yeah, this might be unpopular with a certain, you know, section of the listenership, but don't worry if you hate boggins, your feelings will be represented in one of the songs.

Joe is responsible for a anti-boggins song.

Right?

Yeah.

And I'm doing... I got allocated it.

Yeah.

And I'm doing a broadly pro-boggin song.

Yeah.

So we're going to flip a coin and see who plays their song first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

What are you calling?

I'm calling for heads.

If it's heads, I go first.

Heads, you go first.

It's tails.

It's tails, I go second.

You go second.

So introduce your song for the listeners here.

And we should say that this is a non-competitive festive song, Wars.

You don't need to vote.

You can just fight amongst yourselves at home.

You just sit back.

Relax and let the rubbish flow over you like being caught beneath a bin.

Ooh, smooth.

Anyway, here's my boggins song.

It is... I'm not going to say too much about it.

I think it speaks for itself.

It's, uh, Creed occur from The Stinky Man, and here it is.

Everybody's trying to kill me.

I don't even know what I've done I only tried to lick their face And bite their legs a little bit

Some people want to shoot me Or chop me into little pieces Because I stink and I'm a disgrace And not funny, I love you I just want to stamp around your house Leaving mud all over the place And if I see a little baby I'm gonna lick his little face

So I think that is my anal glands I drag my bum across the carpet and it smells Sorry Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr Raw

Please don't kill me cause I really love you I'm sorry that I chewed your shoes And I'm sorry that you put them on and found those bows To make up for it I found your clean sheets and rolled around on top of them

And then I left a little gift beneath for you It was approved Everybody's trying to kill me Even though I'm sweet and kind I just wanna itch my soul behind

I just drank all the water in the lab I think you're fine Refreshing!

I just ate a bird and then I threw it up too I just done a poo and ate that too Oh I just done a poo

I love you.

There you go.

Wow, that's powerful stuff.

I'm sorry, it was so long.

It was long, wasn't it?

You went for the full three and a half years.

I could have obviously edited it down, but I did go for the three and a half years.

No, no, it was good, it was good, it was good.

There you go.

So was that the Pro Boggin song?

That was broadly Pro Boggin.

I mean, it's a tricky subject, isn't it?

Because there's only a limited number of things to say about Boggin.

We're gonna find out what Joe's angle was.

My song has quite similar lyrical content.

Yeah, yeah.

But of course, you know, I don't do the voice as well as you, so it's not looking good for cornballs.

But stay tuned to hear the anti-Boggins song.

After a bit of real music from Ben Folds Five, here's the Battle of Who Could Care Less.

Very nice.

That's Ben Folds Five with the Battle of Who Could Care Less.

Time now to get back into our special Boggins-based Song Wars battle this week.

We could even have another Song Wars jingle.

Could we, James?

Or is there... Have you got a different one on there?

Sorry, I sprang that on you a little bit.

No.

No, can't have it.

No, it would be rude.

It would be rude to have it, in fact.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Did you not hear that?

No, I didn't hear about that.

Well, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I'm surprised it's been in all the papers.

He's a huge fan of the show.

Yeah.

And he announced this week that he is putting on a musical.

Is he?

Based on Boggins.

Of course.

Which is very exciting.

And not only that, I can't believe you haven't heard about this.

Neither can I. I'm amazed.

The other thing he's doing is a BBC reality series.

Yeah.

Called How Do You Solve a Problem Like Boggins.

hosted by Mark Barriman or John Barriman.

Yes, Barriman will be there as well and they're going across the country to find the country's stinkiest dogs.

John Barriman.

And doing a 58,000 week series.

58,000 weeks.

Isn't that incredible?

That's not long enough.

It's not long enough, is it?

And they're going to find the perfect dog to play, Boggins.

But what I'm going to play you is a song from that musical, and it's sort of a fantasy sequence about the death of Boggins.

Yeah.

So don't take it too seriously or anything.

It's an imaginary sort of flight of fancy during the musical.

But this is a song called Kill Boggins.

B-O-G-G-I-N-S He eats dead birds and smells of death He pukes them up on the carpet But he's oh so terribly sweet

G G I N S He licks his bits, then licks your face He props his bum on the carpet But he's oh so terribly ill Why do all the listeners hate him so?

Why do people say he's lame and bring him down the show?

Kill boggins Kill boggins

B-O-G-G-I-N-S is I-U-B-B-I-S-H.

He urinates on the carpet, cause he's oh so terribly old.

Put him in the boat, push him out to sea.

Lock him in the cellar, throw away the key.

Kill boggins.

B-O-G-G-I-N-S His sentence passed, condemned to death He does sub-poo on the carpet Then he oh so terribly dies I love it, I'm going now bye

That reminds me of your song for... All my other songs.

No, but what was it?

The one for... Oh, I can't remember.

Yeah, it's classic Cornish.

It's classic Cornish, because Cornish always clicks open garage band and never adjusts any of the settings.

Do you not?

I always amazed it.

I can never recognise any of the loops you found.

That was composed.

Yeah.

But there we go.

That's the... That's from Lloyd Webber's musical.

That's from Lloyd Webber's new musical, Boggins.

Exclamation mark.

That's opening at the theatre.

Next.

Well, in a few years time, because it will take them a long time to run this series through to the end.

Yeah.

And do you think we could present The Sister Show?

No, that's the thing.

We're not allowed to have anything to do with it, because we're not capable.

Well, there you go, listeners.

That's our non-competitive song wars for this, our last live show for a while.

Hope you didn't switch it off.

Is that an ignominious ending to song wars for the time being?

No, it's a glorious, amazing send off.

No, exactly.

One of the nation's favourite features.

Here is Simeon Mobile Disco right now with Beth Ditto singing Cruel Intentions.

Ditto with the Simeon Mobile Disco, that's Cruel Intentions, Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

My three plays today are basically my favourite songs.

You just said Cruel Intentions, I was thinking about the film Cruel Intentions.

Do you remember that film?

Crew and Intentions is quite a good film.

Ryan Felipe has got some quite shocking moments in it.

Was that one of the ones based on a Shakespeare?

No, that was Les Liaisons d'Angers.

It's based on, yes, a contemporary.

That's Hathaway in there, isn't it?

Is it?

I think.

Or is she in 10 Things I Hate About You?

I can't remember.

No, Hathaway is in there.

She plays the sort of ingenue.

Anyway, it's a wonderful film and I'm going to go home and watch it tonight with my family.

Oh, don't let the kids watch it.

Even the saucy parts.

Here's a free play.

This is one of my favorite songs that I've played as a free play the last couple of years.

This is a German rapper.

German rapper.

And he's called Thomas D. I think he's in a German rap outfit called the Fantastic Four.

And this is called Liebesbrief though.

This is a solo effort.

I think Liebesbrief is a love letter and it's a lovely bit of German rapping from Thomas D. Here it is.

That's Thomas D with Liebesbrief.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC6 Music.

It's 11.30 and time for the news.

The Lemonheads with Mrs Robinson released in 1992.

It's a cover of a song by Simon and Garfunkel.

Is it?

And it was originally appeared in the film Beethoven's Fifth.

Correct.

Directed by Mike Nichols starring Dustin Hoffman as that big lovable chaotic dog.

Boggins.

I just went to the lobby again and washed my hands there.

I brought in some towels for you to smell.

You're obsessed with these towels.

I really don't.

Why would I want to smell them?

Because I want to feel like I'm not insane.

Get James to smell them.

The towels in the lobby smell.

Are you saying they actually... The paper towels.

No, no, no.

They haven't been sick on them.

It's the way they're manufactured.

Smell that.

Oh, no, that's not.

No, that smells more like a burnt, like a match.

What?

Like a struck match.

No, it never is.

That is vomit.

That is the smell, the pure smell of vomit.

Like try washing your hands and then drying them with that.

My hands... No, it doesn't smell anything like what you're suggesting it smells like.

It's disgusting.

Does it to you, James?

That's a touch of it.

Well, you know, a touch of vomit.

I went into a big department store yesterday to get some of my Christmas presents sorted and I went into the perfume section.

Like, do you ever buy your lady partner sort of classic lady gifts?

You know, I don't think I have ever bought her perfume or like underwear or something like that.

Did you get some free squirts?

Yeah, I got a couple of free squirties from the ladies.

Really?

Did they squirt?

Man smells on you or lady smell.

Oh, I don't know.

It's disgusting.

Why was it disgusting?

The idea of them squirting lady smells on me.

Come on.

It's lovely.

Anyway, a lot of the smells are gender ambiguous now.

That's right.

Yeah.

But I mean, this is a cliche, but why is it?

It's one of those cliches that is never really properly accounted for.

Well, I suppose it's self-evident.

It's a cliche that you go into those makeup counters in the perfume areas in those big department stores.

And the ladies in there, I mean, they look insane.

They've got so much makeup on.

It's just mad.

But you think if they were selling you makeup and stuff and beauty products, then maybe they would apply them with some kind of restraint in order to make the idea appealing somehow.

Well, it's like a kid working in a sweet shop, isn't it, putting on lots of weight.

They just get excited with all those products around and can't help but slap it all over.

Smear it all over themselves.

And the other thing is they often have quite bad skin, I've noticed.

Well, because they've got much too much makeup on.

Yeah, but do you think one that was... Definitely.

Yeah, if you wear too much makeup, it'll mess up your skin eventually.

Surely.

What department store was it?

You couldn't say.

No, it was a department store favoured by the cast of Absolutely Fabulous, I remember.

And so it's one of the biggies.

I was just wandering around in a daze in there.

There's some extraordinary people who goes to those places.

And Uncle Buckles looked quite out of place.

I looked like a sort of tramp that had wandered in.

Everyone was saying, can I help you?

What are you doing here, subtext?

And I went into the lingerie section.

I was wandering around in there.

And now I love the lingerie section of a major department store because of some of the imagery around the place.

Of course.

It's a very lovely atmosphere for a man to walk into.

Terribly lacy.

Don't you ever feel like, because I was genuinely shopping there for, I hope my wife's not listening to this bit otherwise one of her surprises is going to be ruined, but I was genuinely doing some wife-based shopping in there, but I always feel as if I have to tell people

Otherwise, they might think I'm just going in there.

Or just ogling.

I just come in to look at knickknocks.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Is there not?

No, it can keep a man who's in mental difficulty sane.

I always... Because invariably, I'm the only man wandering around the lingerie department, especially with my backpack on and stuff, and I just look like a bit of a tourist.

Yeah.

Anyway, here's some music right now.

You know what we're going to do shortly, listeners, is we're going to play some of the continuing efforts of genius that you have sent in on our radio songs, like our radio rambles.

We're going to do that after this.

This is Frankie and the Heartstrings.

You don't sound particularly confident about that.

I was reading it.

The end of it was cut off by the computer screen there.

Anyway, this is a boring story.

Frankie and the Heartstrings with Hunger.

There you go.

That was Frankie and the Heartstrings.

They're a five piece.

They played their first gig last Christmas.

Ah, well done them.

And have been grafting solidly for a year while holding down full-time jobs, working in schools, social care and charity shops.

You know, that's what I want to hear about a contemporary band.

They're doing something useful for society.

Yeah, proper jobs.

They should be supported.

Well done, Frankie and the Heartstrings.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Now, if you're a regular listener, you might know that a few weeks ago, months ago,

years ago even, we did some random singing on the show Apropos of Nothing and a listener decided to sample that singing and put it to music.

Since then this whole thing has snowballed, these two random bits of inconsequential singing were put up on the blog and we asked you to see what you could do with them, whether you could turn them into jingles and we've had an avalanche of entries showing off our listeners amazing production and sort of home studio recording skills, right?

Yeah and they've done it for no particular reason other than pure joie de vivre

Ooh-la-la!

So we must have got about 25 different attempts during the week.

Yeah.

Yeah?

And we're going to play you some of the best of those right now whilst saying how grateful we are to every single person who had a go at this.

Mm-hmm.

Because we got some terrific entries, didn't we?

Entries?

It's not really an entry.

There's nothing to enter.

Submissions.

Submissions, exactly.

Here's one right now from someone who calls himself Jake aka just another DJ This is the radio one James, and he says good day cornholio and swashbuckules That's very nice Monica's there.

Thank you very much.

Jake.

He says I made a remix

Lots of E's, M's, I's and X's there of Adam's song.

I'm pretty sure you won't be able to play it on air though because I use a lot of samples.

Don't worry man, it's cool.

We're rolling with it, yeah?

He says he's done it in an old-school hip-hop style.

Here it is.

This song is playing on the radio.

Hey-o, come on, let's go.

Listen to the song on the radio.

very good thanks a lot Jake aka just another DJ think there was a bit of naughty by nature in there wasn't there think you're right can you identify any of the other ones ah no I think impeach the president by the honey dippers and shadow of your smile by Jack McDuff as well as hip hop hooray very beautifully done

Yeah, nice work.

Here's another one right now.

This is from Joe Marsh from Widnes.

And he says, this one's a bit more weird.

This is the Adam and Joe remix, James.

And he says, I've been making music using the dead pixel and Joe and bass aliases for a few months now.

I've got a much better song on YouTube if you fancy checking it out, y'all.

Hope you're not away for too long, he says.

I've been meaning to try and do something with those samples on the blog for ages.

Not totally happy with the outcome, but I wanted to get it sent to you before you leave.

Cheers, Joe Marsh from Witness, and here's what he's come up with.

This is quite insane, and it's the Adam and Joe song remix.

Hey ho!

Come on, let's go!

Bum is playing on the right, yo!

Hey ho!

Come on, let's go!

Listen to the song on the right, yo!

This is the song that is playing right now, now, now!

This is the song that is playing right now!

This is the song that is

It's like a twin meets art of noise, isn't it?

It's amazing meets yellow.

That was good.

Very beautiful.

Very challenging.

It's really making me think about a lot of things.

Yeah, robots and technology and whether we should be exploiting the robots.

Yeah.

And one day they're going to rise up.

I mean, it's just modern day slavery is not a war against us because they're not human.

Doesn't mean they don't have feelings.

You know, there's an interesting film

about this.

It's called Terminator Salvation.

And it answers a lot of your questions.

You should really watch it very carefully.

I saw that film the other day.

We should discuss that later.

Have you seen it?

Yes, I saw it the other day.

Let's have a little chat about that.

Finally, here, if this was a competition, I dare say this might be the winner.

This is Magic John from Shepherd's Bush who sent this in.

He says, Hi Adam and Joe, I had originally dismissed the idea of doing one of these.

He dismissed it.

And then I drank a bottle of wine and decided it was a very good idea indeed.

Here's what he came up with.

This song is playing on the radio Hey oh, come on, let's go Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song on the radio Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now Listen to the song that is playing right now

Extraordinary.

You know, it sort of makes the fact that contemporary pop music uses different lyrics for each song seem absurd.

Right.

It would be better if there was just one set of lyrics for all pop.

And everyone had to just use the same... Everyone would know the words.

Resource, yeah.

And then you would just change the melody and the production style.

That's how music's going to be in the future.

That's how it should be.

And also that would solve a lot of copyright issues and stuff.

A lot.

And a lot of time.

Save a lot of time.

Well done, man.

What a good idea.

You have stumbled on a good idea.

Thank you so much to everybody who sent in those songs.

You know, as usual, we listen to them all and we're just sorry that we can't play them all.

But we have put a lot of them up on the blog, bbc.co.uk, slash blogs, slash Adam and Joe.

We'll be putting up more as well, even after we're off the air.

Thanks also to Hannah and Oscar Davis.

They're aged 12 and 14.

We're going to put your song up on the blog in the next week or two, so look out for it then.

We really enjoyed listening to all of those.

Cheers, listeners.

Here's Rufus Wainwright right now, and this is Spotlight on Christmas.

Rufus Wainwright there with Spotlight on Christmas.

Is that a recent Christmas song that he's done there, James?

Or is that one from a few years ago?

He's not competing with the old Bob Dylan there.

We might have a little bit of Bob Dylan Christmas music for you later on, listeners, even.

That would be great.

Yeah, made up Bob Dylan Christmas music.

Oh, that's less great.

That's not so great.

So listen, I had my haircut last week.

Nice job.

You're looking good, man.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Someone texted in quite a... Someone's obviously looking at us on the webcam and someone texted in a text saying they thought I looked like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber.

Oh, a little bit of a bokeh.

Yeah, here we go.

Joe, I strongly advise you change your haircut.

You look a bit like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.

What?

Who's that from?

That's an anonymous coward.

Anonymous.

The rest of the text is very nice.

No, I think they're right.

I only read it out because I think they're right.

Because what happened was he was cutting it really well and I stuck my oar in.

Do you ever do this at the barber?

I'm always too timid.

I looked in the mirror.

I thought, this isn't quite right yet.

I'd better tell him how to do his job.

Hand on the shoulder.

Yeah.

So I said, look, I think it should be a bit shorter around the ears.

And I started really enjoying this.

Yeah, ears are in.

Ears are in.

Ears are the hot thing.

Yeah.

Bring the ears out a bit more.

I thought, this is right.

This is good.

I'm improving this haircut.

Do you ever do that?

No, I never do.

I shouldn't have stuck my oar in because I think it's too short around the ears.

Yeah.

And I've been worried about this.

My girlfriend said, she said,

Well, it just needs to settle in a bit.

She said it needed to grow in.

So I've been worrying.

Don't worry.

A too short haircut sets this off, right?

And now this text comes.

Well, that's just vocalising my neurosis.

I think I look like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.

He's very amiable.

Is this sort of a bowl cut?

Is it a bowl cut?

You can't tell because the headphones are on.

No, I know what they mean.

I thought that was what you'd gone for.

But there's a life lesson to be learned, isn't there?

Yeah.

Don't interfere at the hairdresser.

Don't tell the professionals what they're doing.

No.

They sometimes tell you to bring a photo in, don't they, of what you want to look like?

What I do is I always am too weedy to say, have things like a lot you're taking off there, can you stop them?

Because there's always a point where you think, yeah, that's just about right.

And then they carry on for 20 minutes.

They get carried away.

Well, they're chatting about something, aren't they?

Yeah.

Or listening to weird music or something.

And you think maybe they're not concentrating.

They're just on autopilot.

And they've gone too far.

But I'm making this announcement publicly.

I'm never going to do that again.

No.

I'm just going to trust the hairdresser.

Sure.

And I'd like to advise any young people out there who might make the same mistake in life.

Don't.

Don't do that.

Trust the expert.

Trust the hairdresser.

Yeah.

If you think what they're doing looks a bit wrong, it's not.

When you get home, it'll turn beautiful.

Did you have a sexy hairdresser?

No.

Well, yeah, sexy man.

Sexy man.

Yeah.

Was he leaning into you a little bit?

No, no.

He doesn't.

That's why I'm a repeat customer.

Right, right.

He doesn't press his julies against my shoulder.

Sometimes it's quite erotic.

When they press their bits against your body when they're reaching to do the sideburns.

I like it.

But then do you not move your elbow away?

No, I lean in.

I lean back in.

You reciprocate the pressure.

Yeah, sure I do.

Yeah.

I do it instead of a tip sometimes.

What?

Lean in.

Reciprocate.

Listen, you better kick off this free play here, James.

What have you got for us?

This is a bit of Vangelis.

This is from the film Laidlana.

Laidlana.

Have you ever seen the film Laidlana?

Yes.

It's directed by Liddly Lutt.

Is that how you pronounce it?

I never realised.

It's a bad space man on Roberts.

It's the best man on Roberts.

And here's a beautiful piece of music.

This is one of the all time great soundtracks, isn't it?

And we should stop talking over it.

This is my favourite version because it's got spaceship noises.

What's it called this one?

Memories of Green by Vangelis.

You need to turn this up, listeners, and chill all the way out.

What's he doing there?

Is he sipping his whiskey with his blood dripping into it?

Deckard?

Yeah, Deckard.

Something like that, yeah.

I might give that film another watch this weekend.

That is one of those films that I happily watch once a year, you know what I mean?

That and Alien.

In fact, pretty much.

And Terminator 4.

And The Holiday with Russell Crowe.

Is it called The Holiday?

No.

A good year.

That's the one.

And The Holiday with Jack Black and Cameron Diaz.

Yes.

Great movies.

I watch those.

Actually, I watch that every month.

Great movies.

Great times.

Great C6 music.

Hey, mate.

Yes, mate.

Did you know there's a couple of DJ fellas, right?

Right.

They're called Hamish and Andy and they're big in Australia back home in Oz.

Oh, of course I do.

I'm made.

Did you not know I am Australian?

Yeah, I did know.

Can you not tell by my extremely authentic Australian accent?

Sure, you've been living in Brisbane for a while, mate.

I've been living in watching Neighbours for 10 years, 10 years ago.

You've been watching Neighbours.

Anyway, Hamish and Andy are coming to BBC Six Music.

Do you think in any way they would find this patronising and offensive?

No, they'd love it.

They would love it, mate.

Come on, let's go surfing with a lager, mate.

Look, watch out for this drip.

It's Silla again.

Silla's creeping into that voice as well.

She's a tower.

She's a sickness.

She's an awful sickness.

This is why we're coming off air.

We're having Scylla removed from Adam's bones like you would try and remove adamantium from Wolverine.

Because it's infected.

It's infected everything.

It's like the Hitler of routines.

It's all merged into one.

What now?

We're gonna have this jingle from the Australian theatre.

This is the trail.

We talked up the trail quite a lot there, listeners, didn't we?

We might even include the trail in the podcast now!

First!

Come on!

Here they are!

Hey, mission ending!

This is some sixth music.

Oh, you're a poor lot in the rain, the snow and the cold of Britain.

Must be so miserable on the drizzle and the long nights.

Must be awful.

Yeah.

How's the beach today, mate?

Mate, terrific.

Great surf.

How's your barbie?

Oh, perfect weather.

Yeah, really awesome.

The hottest thing from down under.

Hamish and Andy.

Monday is the shortest day of the year in the UK.

But in Australia, it's the longest.

The hottest.

It's generally the best.

We are rubbing that in.

But to warm you all up, Six Music are playing some of the best live tracks from the summer festivals and other generally warming tunes.

And from Four on Monday, we'll be bringing you a little virtual slice of Australian sunshine via our radio show.

Six Music's Midwinter Warmer.

All next week.

And join Hamish and Andy Monday afternoon from Four.

on sex music.

Mate, did you find that Hamish and Andy were a little bit of feminine sounding there?

I thought they were a little bit stereotypical, to be perfectly honest.

Well, they were talking about Barbies and shrimps and stuff like that, weren't they?

But I think that was a joke.

Yeah, well, I was sort of joking, mate.

I was trying to flip it round.

Double flip!

You flipped it back.

I didn't realise.

You flipped it and killed it.

You pulled it out of the tank, popped it on the side and let it die.

I'm so sorry.

Here's R.E.M.

That's a bop chord at the end they've got.

R.E.M.

with the one I love, Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Should we steam into some made up jokes?

I don't know whether we should steam into them.

What do you want to do, waddle into them?

Yeah, sidle.

Sidle?

Let's sidle into some made up jokes.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party

There we are.

And now the made up jokes section of this show, listeners, is for authored jokes.

It's not for bad jokes, or good jokes, or jokes you've heard from somebody else or read.

It's for jokes that you've made up yourself.

Because otherwise it would just be a boring jokes section.

Yeah.

And they've got made up jokes, not made up jokes.

Everybody does just funny jokes.

These are jokes specifically authored by our listeners.

So they're very, very special.

And as you know, we have quite a serious ratification process.

We put these jokes through.

It involves Googling the keywords and seeing what comes up.

Google the punchline there a little bit.

And if we get hits, then the joke simply isn't read out.

Joe, man, we got sent some homemade crackers.

I know we should talk about them later.

Otherwise we'll get feature pile up.

We'll get feature eyes.

But these have got jokes in them, haven't they?

Yeah, but we should oh, that's true.

Well, let's pull a cracker.

These were sent in by Richard Holt in London He says please find enclosed six Christmas crackers.

Oh, I won These are no ordinary high street impulse purchases No each of these contain a made-up joke pains taking the inserted in place of the original by my own fair hand Thank you so much Richard Holt.

We really appreciate that so we saw we've no idea what kind of jokes He's gonna come up.

I'm gonna put my first Christmas hat on Christmas hat on Eric Christmas hat of the year.

This is exciting, isn't it?

quest.

Which was Quentin Tarantino's most disappointing film?

Which one?

We opened one earlier, it was quite funny.

The answer is Ill Bill.

Now that's, that is a made up joke, but of course that came out of a cracker so we didn't have a chance to vet that.

And when I'm not saying it's a bad joke, it's just not necessarily up to the tip top standards.

Here's the one I got in my cracker which I pulled earlier on.

Which actor is also the best way to open a jar of pickles?

I don't know.

Chris Twistofferson.

You see that's okay, isn't it?

Nice.

Adam, are you worried that you lost the cracker pool twice today?

Do you think you've got bad cracker mojo this year?

Cracker karma.

Do you get depressed if you pull a cracker at Christmas?

It's one of the very few areas that I've managed to be magnanimous in my life.

You've matured your way out of having a...

I swear, I no longer throw strops when my sons get the main barrel.

Okay, listen, let's get to the main content.

Here are some made-up jokes.

This is from the Dunk... No, the Durkan Brothers in Dublin.

Durkan?

So this is sort of like a songwriting duo equivalent.

It's a joke writing duo.

Lieberman Stoller of made-up jokes.

Here's a labour joke that my brother and I made up.

Why didn't the 1960s rocker like the Klingon hairpiece he won in the sci-fi convention's call of duty competition?

Good setup.

Why didn't the 1960s rocker like the Klingon hairpiece he won in the sci-fi convention's call of duty competition?

because he saw a mod urn wharf hair 2.

Now this is a very contemporary joke because it's the latest video game, right?

Call of Duty Modern Wharf Hair 2.

Mod urn wharf hair 2.

Now you like starter air, I'm reeling from the implications.

The Duncan Brothers, you are two very clever men, Durkin.

Now just think about that, we'll come back to that, think about it.

Are you consciously saying, now you like Star Trek as one of your best phrases?

Because it winds you up.

I know you don't like it.

But it had a mention of Worf, he's your favourite character.

I really do like Worf.

Did he have his own detective series?

Worf, he should have done, yes.

There's a body in the basement.

Do you want another one?

Yes, please.

Hey, I'll tell you what, look, I've got a grab bag.

Oh, a pick and mix.

A pick and mix, and these are all made up jokes by listeners.

Yeah, that I printed out and folded up and put in an awesome bag.

Okay, this is from Steve.

Why does it say satisfactory at the top?

Because don't worry about the title, that's just so I can remember.

Have we read this one before?

I think you read out the punch line.

Yeah, but we've also read the whole joke before.

Give me another one.

Don't read out the title in bold.

Sorry, you didn't tell me that.

I'm sorry.

You didn't tell me you typed the punch line at the top of my tongue.

Don't mind me!

It's my procedure!

This is from Harry O'Donnell from Essex.

What do you call an elephant who is an actress in EastEnders but is set to gain an environmental role in the House of the Lords?

That's a good setup.

Come on, Tim Vine.

I don't know.

That is good!

Harry O'Donnell from Essex.

Wow.

Hey James, you pick one.

That's awesome.

Come on James, you never get to talk on this show.

If you're not here, I'll pass this one over.

Come and take your headphones off and come round.

There we go.

Here you go, look.

How's that one?

There we go.

There you go.

James Sterling.

It's a special Christmas treat for him.

Okay.

What's the favorite cocktail of a CERN physicist?

Ah, good question.

I don't know.

A peanut collider.

Pina Kaleida!

The other day... Oh, this is a bit of a long one.

The other day I went to see the reformed Nutty Boys in concert.

However, instead of playing their hits, such as Baggy Trousers, My Girl and House of Fun, they spent the entire concert lecturing the audience about the use of language and behaviour to minimise offence on gender, racial and cultural grounds.

It was madness gone politically correct.

That's from Dave Espley in Stockport.

Nice one, Dave.

Shouldn't the punchline have been its PC gone madness?

Or something like that.

I don't know.

Is that it?

Are we having more?

We can have lots more!

But should we have some music?

Here's Vampire Weekend.

And we mentioned before, our friend Garth Jennings has directed the video for this.

Go and check it out online.

This is Cousins.

That's got a kind of Christmasy feel just because of those bells at the end there.

Vampire Weekend with Cousins and Garth, we were mentioning our friend who directed the video there, he played me like a preview copy of the album.

It's amazingly good.

They have not fumbled the ball.

They've taken everything that made their first album brilliant and sort of done it like it's not a massive departure at all.

It sounds like the first album part two, but better.

I haven't got the first album.

That's really good, man.

You should get it.

Anyway, um... Can I read one more made-up joke?

Yeah, please do.

Because that was quite a good one.

And maybe we've read this out before, or maybe it's an old one, because it seems to me so very good.

It's from a fellow called Jason Ward.

I'm just reading it through just to check that I get it right.

It's phrased as a sentence rather than a question, so it's not your traditionally structured joke.

I'm absolutely convinced that, without question, this is the item of dining room furniture that Frank Black, Darren Hayman and Thurston Moore all vomited on.

It's in despue table.

Come on.

Indie spew table.

An indie spew table.

All the kings of indie have spewed on the table.

Yeah, now that's good because this is a music station and that's a music themed joke.

Yeah.

And that's why I read it out because I thought it would tickle the boxes.

Very nice.

Tickle the boxes.

Here's one more that I'm picking out from my random bag, right?

It's a short one.

This is from Robbie Lumsden.

Yes.

Why does the Dalai Lama go to William Hill's?

Because he loves to bet.

I like it.

It's intelligent.

Might not be the first time that's ever been told, I don't know.

Might not pass the Google test.

No, it is.

I do know, and it is.

Thanks very much, Robbie Lumsden.

Now, next week, listeners, our show is pre-recorded, our special Christmas show.

And me and Joe are exchanging gifts.

And who knows?

Joe might get a special... I thought of mastication there.

Sorry, I was swallowing a little bit of... Boggins.

Boggins.

Who knows, Joe might get a very special musical gift.

This is like a tease to something Joe might be getting next week.

Because Joe's favorite artist, of course, is Bob Dylan.

And Joe's favorite album is Bob Dylan's Christmas album.

So who knows, maybe he'll be getting something that sounds a little bit like this.

Here's a special made-up Bob Dylan Christmas song.

Santa has been here.

You can spell him still, I think.

Whiskey and reindeer.

A little trick.

Wildworks is one of the Christmas perks.

He slides into your house with his sack of gifts.

He uses the chimney pie.

He doesn't like

He's in your property, he comes and goes.

What else is he doing there?

No one really knows but we love him.

Because he's got the merchandise and he's handing it out.

To the people who are nice Thank you so much Santa I really wanted this In return I'm gonna give you a mince pie to kiss Santa advertises a popular soft drink Some people say that he's sold out But that's the only way the man can make it livin' Nobody else is payin' him for flyin' round a kid Santa has been here You can smell him still like me

But it's not cool to drive and drink Santa has a special way of doing it I think Which does not endanger his fellow road users And also the people in the sky That's why Santa is my kinda guy That was so long How long did that last for?

It was only a minute and a half A minute and a half?

I think you've invented time travel

Seriously, I think this would scrap the CERN Collider.

That was good though, that was very good.

That's another one of your catch phrases isn't it?

There's, you like Star Trek don't you?

And then there's, that was good though, that was very good.

The end of something which you clearly detested.

Oh, that was good.

That was very, very good.

I didn't detest it.

He didn't detest it.

I've been doing the jigsaw I got in that cracker.

Yeah.

Joe was doing the jigsaw that he got in the cracker.

And then after the song, he says, you've invented a new form of time travel, which appears to stretch time into an unbearably long period.

I didn't say unbearably.

That's what was implied.

It was bearable.

How long is that?

A minute and a half.

Wow.

That seemed a lot longer.

It's a festive torpedo with tinsel wrap around it, fired straight into your face as a gift from Jesus and Santa.

Thank you Jesus!

is the last of my free plays today listeners did you even consider writing like a little goodbye speech terry wogan style for the listeners yeah no because i don't feel well i mean we're going away for a little break yeah we're coming back it's not terminal sure sure you say that but to me it feels like the end of a chapter at least it's certainly an end of a season yeah

And I've enjoyed this chapter so much, you know.

Me too.

I'm not going to go into it.

I know we both have, we all have.

But I'm really going to miss doing this show, you know.

So I'm not going to do a big long Terry Wogan speech, otherwise I will start crying.

But I'm going to play a Scott Walker song that I really love for you listeners.

This is Rhymes of Goodbye.

Julian Castle playing cast!

With I Wish It Was Christmas Today.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 12.30.

It's time for the news.

The mighty Supergrass with Grace.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Are you doing, listeners?

Here's an email we got from Chuck and Darlene from Maine in America.

Hey guys, we can't believe you'll be gone from the radio for so long.

We have an idea to keep you going.

How much work does Joe really do to prep for the show?

Couldn't he direct his film and phone in his participation on the show?

Joe often seems to not really know what's going on anyway.

For example, quotes, is this my free play?

Quotes, what's the name of that song?

Quotes, how do you pronounce that?

You could even pre-record some of Joe's common phrases, quotes, you love Star Trek, and quote, that was good, that was good, and play them as necessary.

The rest of the time could be filled with anecdotes from the filmmaking process.

Of course, Joe would have to give Adam half his salary since Adam would have to read all the emails and texts during the week and think of topics for text the nation.

One other thought, maybe Black Squadron could pitch in with a different guest host for the first half hour of the show, giving Joe an extra half hour of sleep.

That's some good ideas there, don't you think?

All interesting ideas.

I mean, consider all of them.

They're right in saying that I don't, I, I haven't, you know, I have a limited series of phrases.

I tend to say, that's good.

Oh, that's good.

Wow.

Nice.

We're all operating from the stock phrases.

I mean, I've got to stop myself going.

Do you know what I mean?

Or I also say, is that right?

A lot.

If there was an Adam Buxton novelty plastic toy and it had four buttons on the back with common bucculis phrases on them, programmed into them, what would they be?

Yeah.

Would be one.

Right.

I don't know.

One of them would be... Laura, Laura.

Yeah, there'd be Laura, Laura.

There'd be a bit of bog in suffering.

There'd be, hey, your Fonzie thing.

Hey, what's that?

You go, hey, listener.

Hey, listeners.

You don't even remember that you do it, you see.

I'm not aware of it.

You're self-aware.

I'm not sentient.

Yeah.

What would mine be?

I don't know.

I don't really like the tone of that email.

I think it's too reductive.

They are underestimating the role that you play.

And I'm going to miss you, man.

Well, that's nice of you to say.

There's truth in the fact that I've slept a bit over the last few months.

There's no truth in that.

None truth.

You know, you're going to do your film, that's really exciting and I know it's going to be amazing, but I'm really going to miss you doing this show and you've got your arms folded there.

Yeah, this sincerity makes me uncomfortable.

I'm going to come and give you a hug.

Say it sarcastically.

No, I'm not going to give you a hug.

I'm not insane.

I do smell a bit.

Hey, so listen.

Earlier this week, right, I had a little weird compro-pon with my wife.

It does happen from time to time.

Oh, no.

This one, excuse me, was based on the fact that I came into the house.

Oh, God.

Why do you do that all the time?

I can't help it.

And I found by the CD player, which is very seldom used, I am ashamed to say, in the house, a Take That Greatest Hits CD.

Oh.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Well, no, no, no, not per se.

It was new, right?

So I'm thinking, what the heckins?

And so I said very casually later while we were watching television,

um did you buy that uh take that greatest hit cd immediately the bristles came up she started to bristle why was the provocative was the retort i was like well uh so immediately i'm aware of the bristles and i said well because

Um, I was just, you know, surprised.

That's all.

I didn't realize you were like such a big Take That fan.

She says, why?

Because it's the only CD in the house.

I would say the only CD she has bought in the last, well, as long as I've known her.

And it's Take That's Greatest Hits.

Also, I own Take That's Greatest Hits.

It's, it was in a, you know, it's in my office.

So it's not actually in the office.

It's in the office where I need it.

For my office business.

One of the, is it sort of a vital bit of stationery?

Exactly.

Right, ten-thirty, we light my fire.

So I said, you know, I've got a copy of Take That's Greatest Hits.

She's like, well, I didn't know that.

How would I possibly know you've got it?

I was like, well, I've got a lot of CDs, I've got a load.

Before you go and buy a CD like Take That's Greatest Hits, why don't you just mention to me that you're interested in Take That?

Because this is really what this is, is a beautiful moment where you both share a love for the same band and instead it's turned into an awful... It was a bit of acrimony.

It was a shame.

It should have brought you together.

And then I started to, you know, there's a little bit of a silence.

She said, well, I didn't know.

How am I supposed to know you got Take That's Greatest Hits?

I wouldn't have thought you did.

I was like, I've got loads.

I've got very Catholic taste.

I've got 10,000 CDs or something.

One of them is bound to be a Greatest Hits CD by one of the greatest bands of the last few decades, I said.

And then there was a little bit of a silence.

And then I said, so what's your favorite Take That song then?

At that point, I was needling her, and she didn't like that very much, and she said, I wouldn't answer.

I said, is it the, what's the 70s one, the disco one called the one they covered?

I don't know.

Yes, you do know.

I said, come on, you know what it is.

Relight my fire.

Do you like that one?

She wasn't playing along by that point.

Well, of course not.

Yeah, because you've made it so that by answering those questions, you'd won in a way.

I really didn't want to turn it into a confrontation.

This is exactly what she said to me.

But I really was honestly not a confrontation, but I was curious.

I was like, what?

The thing is, she bought it from one of those, like at the checkout.

The thing is, I think I need to solve this problem for you.

Yeah.

Because you can't start the Contre-ton, then stop it.

It's up to her to stop it if you start it.

Yeah, she doesn't stop.

She doesn't wrap them up nicely though.

The Contre-ton.

Well, you're not in no position to say that because you started it.

I know, but I wanted to wrap it up.

I wanted to get in there a little bit more.

You can have a... We'll try it again over Christmas.

Christmas is a great time for provoking unnecessary friction.

I'm going to do a lot of it.

No, the reason she bristled was because a lot of the time she comes back with romantic comedies that she's bought at the supermarket.

And she doesn't like it when I mention them because the implication seems to be that she has totally wasted her money on some pile of old dog rubbish with Cameron Diaz in it or whatever.

You know what I mean?

I do know what you mean.

Anyway.

I love Take That and They.

I wish we had some to play but we don't.

Here's Animal Collective instead.

Animal Collective there with What Would I Want?

We've only got 30 minutes of live radio left for this current... We can't really call it a season, can we?

What can we call it?

Box a box of shows run So we're gonna play another record and then there's gonna be some exciting and conclusive boggins action This is a right now who was saying I never knew the names of my own free plays Just then those Americans those America Americans that emailed in They're so completely right because I don't know the name of this song, but it's by Anne Sexton

It's brilliant.

Sam Sexton with a song called Of Course You're Losing Me.

This is Adam and John BBC Six Music.

If you were listening earlier, you would have heard a non-combative song wars based around.

The little dog that comes into the studio every now and then, Boggins, the smelly, stinky, ill, old dog who you want to hug but you can't because he's so stinky.

Boggins first came into our lives when we returned from our summer break.

this year and almost immediately divided listeners very sharply.

People were writing in apparently serious messages saying, I've really enjoyed your shows over the last few years, but now I'm going to stop listening because of this dog.

And then other listeners really loved the little chap.

It was hard to know what to do about him.

We've done a little Christmas panto, though, for you listeners to hopefully resolve things for this chapter of the program.

Do you like Christmas pantos, Joe?

I absolutely adore them.

I've got a huge collection of them.

On DVDs.

No, I actually buy the actors and the venues.

Yeah, I'm a multi-millionaire and when I see a really good panto, I buy the venue, I buy the actors for life and I just have it running all the time.

You keep them going all year round.

I keep them going all year round.

So if I'm in that neck of the woods, I can pop in.

Good idea.

And have some festive fun.

You know who is one of my favourite panto stars?

Who?

Brian Blessed.

Not Christopher Boggins.

Christopher Boggins!

He's the guy we should have got for this panto.

Anyway, here's the Adam and Jo Boggins panto listeners.

Stop it!

Simon!

No!

Are you Santa?

Well, more or less, yes!

And what do you want for Christmas, young man?

Oh, I'm all going to throw a tank.

A tank?

And a gun.

And a bomb.

Oh, there's a terribly violent presence, young man.

I know.

What about a lovely little puppy?

Is it all more controlled?

Yes, sort of.

If you shout at him loud enough, sometimes he stops what he's doing.

Of Caden, I'll have that.

Oh, fantastic!

And a gun.

Ah, well, yes, you might need it.

I'm joking.

I'm joking, of course.

Simon!

Yes, right.

Fetch, Boggins!

We're doomed.

Here he comes now.

Don't worry about the smell, young man.

It's normal.

He's perfectly fine.

I love you.

I'm just going to bite the back of your legs and your face as well.

Not badly.

Just a little bit.

I love you.

Careful, Boggins.

Don't frighten the body.

All right, then, Santa.

That's very heartwarming, so Boggins has gone off to live with a little orphan boy.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, that's a very happy ending for him.

He's a very old dog.

It's going to saddle that boy with a quite sort of, well, he's going to die very soon.

Yeah.

Also, the upkeep while he's alive of the dog, the maintenance, is going to stretch the boy beyond his limits, I would think.

I mean, where does the boy live?

On the streets?

Yeah, he lives, he's homeless.

So watch out for the boy and boggins begging around the streets of Britain this Christmas, listeners.

Here's Orange Juice.

That's an unusual version, or at least not the version I'm familiar with, of Poor Old Soul by Orange Juice.

Good stuff though.

A lot of people out there thinking, yes it's not the version I'm familiar with either.

I imagine my mum will be phoning up about that.

That's not the normal version of Poor Old Soul that I normally see.

I orange the orange juice.

Anyway, but listen, listeners, that's it for us for a little bit.

We'll be back some way into next year.

Thank you very much to James, our producer, for all the amazing work he's done for the last two years.

Yeah, to Lucy, who's helping us out, Xanthie, to Charlotte, Brian, Jude and Claire, of course.

our producers from way back, all the team here at Six Music.

And thanks to everybody at Six Music, which you guys should really explore.

If you don't already listen to everything on the station, there's some amazingly good stuff.

So yeah, have a good stay listening, basically, is what we're trying to say.

Don't forget that we'll be around every now and again on the blog as well.

Go and check out our Six Music blog.

Yeah, we'll keep the blog alive.

And we should say thank you to everybody who's written and texted the show, especially quite a few people wrote us some quite emotional letters.

Yeah, yeah.

They really didn't.

About touching them very nice.

Listening when they've been having hard times or whatever and it's cheered them up and we really appreciate that more than we can say.

We really do read every single thing that has been sent so if we don't talk about it on air, rest assured it has been read and absorbed.

And appreciated.

Yeah.

And you know the weird ones we've ignored.

and stay in touch via the blog because we'll definitely be visiting that blog and posting on it and stuff will be uploaded so hang out there it's what's the address bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash adam and joe i've got a blog as well listeners you know stay in touch via that as well adam-bucksden.co.uk i'd love to see you at a gig or whatever i'll be uh

doing various live things but that's it for us.

And don't forget this show will be available as a podcast on Monday and then from Tuesday the 12 podcasts of Christmas start so there'll be a sort of retro Adam and Jo podcast that you might have missed going up every day of next week.

Yeah.

To help you if you are feeling any sort of withdrawal symptoms.

Having said all this we have got our pre-recorded Christmas show.

Exactly.

We'll actually be back on Boxing Day.

So take care, listeners.

Have a wonderful Christmas.

All the best for 2010.

Here's an amazing song by the Pogues.

I can never hear this one too much.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up next.

Love you.

Bye.

It was Christmas Eve, babe.

And a drunk tank.

An old man sat in me.

Won't say another one And then we sang a song The rare old mountain tune A turn with face away Undrained about you Got on a lucky one

Coming late into one I've gotta fill Those years from beginning So I'll be Christmas I love you baby I can see a better time

When all our dreams come true

They got cars, big as bars, they got rivers of gold But the wind goes right through you, it's no place for the old When you first took my hand on the cold Christmas sea You promised me Broadway was waiting for me Your hands up!

You were pretty clean up, New York City When the band finished playing, they held up for more Sinatra was swinging, all the drums they were singing We kissed on a corner, then danced through the night The bodies of the anvil, they clearly cried We're singing all the way back

And the boughs are ringing out for Christmas day