The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (12 December 2009)

It's Desmond Decker there with 007.

It's not really about James Bond so much, is it?

What is it about?

Well, it's just about a shanty town.

Why is it called 007?

That's what I want to know.

That's exactly what I want to know.

I demand answers.

I mean, I was very disappointed the first time I heard that song because I was in the throes of a James Bond fixation and I thought, great, a new song about my hero, JB,

the man with the license to thrill and it wasn't anything to do with it.

Well, there we go.

I can't help, I'm afraid.

Disappointing though, isn't it?

You prepared me for that question.

I could have come up with the facts, but I've no idea.

Morning listeners, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Thanks very much for joining us at our new exciting time of 10am.

Yeah, and we've got all sorts of things coming up.

I'm not saying that they're exciting, but they're things.

Come on, they're very exciting.

They're very exciting.

Starting off with, of course, the Black Squadron command, Black Squadron, the elite listening force.

Not quite as elite as they used to be.

Slightly less elite.

The lazy listening force.

Is there a word that means slightly less than elite?

Um... Reapatite.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a reapatite elite squat of listeners who are going to execute a task that we're going to issue very soon.

I've got a selection of tasks.

Maybe we should play a record and add them.

You can help me to select the task.

Yeah, good idea.

Later on, we'll have some made-up jokes.

We've got some famous name repurposing.

That's not true, actually.

I just said that to fill in space.

But I was thinking like some proper appropriation we haven't had for a while.

That's a good idea.

Yeah.

We've got retro-texination tech.

I'm just saying the name of these features that are barely features just to give the radio, you know, show some kind of form at the beginning of the program here.

How's it going?

They're like features on an ultrasound scan of an only just pregnant woman.

In distinction.

Barely readable.

Yeah, let's have some music.

This is chapel club with surfacing.

Just had a statistical update on last week's Black Squadron response.

We got over 151 photographs of... was it been back

Yeah, bin bag fashion last week.

That is, I think, the highest number of Black Squadron responses we've ever had.

So that puts paid to any doubts that our later time would disperse or, you know, defocus Black Squadron.

In fact, they're more focused and more threatening a force than ever before.

Of course they are.

They've had an extra hour in bed.

They could destabilize the authority of the state in the country.

I mean, it could be seen as a threat by the government.

Sure.

And what's going to happen?

Well, the show could be pulled off air.

We could be sort of, when we're walking home, snatched and thrown into the back of stretched limousines and taken to be ticked off by the Queen.

Oh, man.

Lara Lara.

Oh, you too, guy.

You be naughty on your radio show, Lara Lara.

Blender Data.

The unmistakable tones of Her Majesty the Queen.

Sarah Black, what you

doing on that radio program I heard that you black squadron laura laura phone you gonna have a lonely couple you are but if the squadron get too strong always gonna break problems laura laura floor rooms for you black squadron silver black blender data

If I didn't recognise that instantly as the Queen, I would think it was possibly a slightly dodgy stereotype.

She's got a very snooty voice, doesn't she?

She's got very upper classes.

Very snooty voice.

That's typical of the upper classes.

That typical Eton voice, you know?

Like Boris Johnson.

Yeah, or James Cameron.

Yeah.

The head of the Tory party.

How does he manage to direct Avatar and run the Tory party at the same time?

Cameron.

Yeah.

He's a genius.

He is, isn't he?

And he's operating an education.

He created a new dimension.

Has he?

In Eaton.

That's what they teach you there.

Really?

Okay, this week, dimension studies.

Um, Cameron, have you come up with a new dimension?

I certainly have, sir.

It's a new dimension in excitement, and it's populated by blue people with large eyes from Australia, who are trying to protect their kingdom from bad army men.

Blue people.

They could change Blue Peter to blue people.

That would be a lot better, wouldn't it?

More kids would watch, if it was presented by giant semi-nude smurf men.

Who look like Connie Huck?

Yeah.

She hasn't done that show for a while, has she?

She hasn't.

No.

Why?

Just because she's the last presenter I can remember, you know what I mean?

She's beautiful.

She's absolutely beautiful.

Listen though, Black Squadron.

Stand by for your command.

Of course, the idea is we give you a few words of a command.

Well, that doesn't sound right, does it?

We give you a two word command, two or three word command.

You have to absorb it and then take a photo based on that command and send that photo to us here at the castle.

The text number is... What is it?

64046.

Yeah, or you can email it to us.

Adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk And then, remember, if you do send us a photo, you're sort of giving us permission to pop it on our blog.

Texts are charged at the standard rate.

Something like that, I don't know.

But send them in.

Oh, don't lose your nerve, Dermot.

I did well, though, didn't I?

You did really well in previous weeks.

I said the right thing.

You've been so confident when you say that.

I just don't want to be falsely confident.

No, come on.

Just make it up.

Calls will be charged at the standard rate.

Unless you're calling from a mobile when it'll be a lot more expensive.

So here's your command, Black Squad, and we're going to kick some music off after I give the command.

What are we going to hear, Adam?

Oh, well, this is a nice track from one of the rough trade compilations by The Normal, who I believe is the guy that basically ended up starting mute records.

And this is a great piece of kind of arty, very early electronica, indie electronica.

with him talking, you know, like this about TV, TVOD.

I stick an aerial into my skin.

Wow.

That kind of thing.

So it's going to challenge a lot of preconceptions.

I'm excited about that.

Here comes the command, Black Squadron.

Stand by.

This week's command is prehistoric life.

Reverend and the Makers with Heavyweight Champion of the World.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Listen, I think this command has confused the squadron.

We were sort of picturing pictures of cavemen.

The command was prehistoric life.

We were thinking about prehistoric families, you know.

Cave people.

The cave community.

Yeah, exactly.

Sort of Flintstone style.

Flintstone activity.

Men dragging women by their hair.

Flintston Churchill.

You know, children clubbing each other.

Grunting, people eating bits of raw chicken.

And drawing pictures of animals on the walls.

Cave drawings.

Yeah, we've got quite a few dinosaur-based pictures.

Sort of toy dinosaurs and stuffed dinosaurs.

It's not too late to redirect the squadron.

No, the squadrons still have nine minutes, and that's not to belittle the entries that have already come in.

We've got just people looking, you know, pulling prehistoric faces.

Catherine has sent in a picture of her.

Is it her husband?

Let's have a look.

He looks a little Neanderthal.

He does look Neanderthal.

He looks simple in the head, as if he may only be able to construct very simplistic bits of logic in his bons.

There's just a man lying on the doormat under some rugs.

He's frightened of the modern world.

Is that prehistoric?

Yeah.

There's somebody, just somebody in bed.

That's hardly prehistoric.

I don't think they had beds in prehistory.

Of course they did.

They were made out of twigs and they came from a primitive version of IKEA.

Right.

Oh, that's quite good.

She just looks as if she's also devolved to a prehistoric mental state.

Yes.

She's a sexy cave person.

She really is.

She's still overly clothed.

Now, this is more like it.

Look at this guy.

Who's this guy?

Oh, he's nude and he's trying to make fire in his bedroom.

He's trying to make fire in his bedroom while wearing some little green pants.

That's along the correct lines.

Prehistoric life.

He's evoking a whole world of prehistoric activity, though, with one simple image.

Is having a tin bucket on your head is that prehistoric life?

I don't think tin buckets were around in prehistory.

That is from Lieutenant Wing Commodore Christopher D. Shamborsky.

I don't know, he might have to be kicked out of the squadron for that flagrant disregard of what the command is.

Unless he can justify his tin bucket hat.

Well, you can keep those coming in, Squadron, and stay focused.

Right now, he is one of the hot bands of last year.

They're so over now, though.

I mean, the Fleet Foxes, come on.

Come on.

So he got last year.

So 2008, right?

Let's hear them.

This is, he doesn't know why.

So last year.

I'm joking, of course, that was Fleet Fox's with... He doesn't know why.

It's timeless.

It's an eternal sound.

Great music.

Great times.

From 2008.

Nearly the end of the decade.

Isn't that extraordinary?

Flipping heck.

I always, in my mind, I had 2010 as still part of the Noughties, because it's not.

It's the beginning of the teens, isn't it?

What are they gonna call it?

The teens?

The tweenies.

Yeah.

The tweenies.

The totties.

The totties would be better.

Welcome to the totties.

So last week, listeners, I was excited because I was about to go off to interview the film director, Spike Jones.

Yeah, we formulated some brilliant questions for him.

Yes.

and yeah they were can you remember what they were yeah they were who are you who what what you are you what do you do faves worsties jedwood jedwood um and then who do you know who do you do who do you do

And then, bye!

How did that go?

And now, the first thing was, how were you going to greet him?

Because you thought you might give him a knee in the nuts, didn't you?

Knee in the nuts, yeah.

Knee in the nuts in Jo's pickles.

Jackass style.

Exactly.

That wouldn't have been an aggressive thing.

No, no, no.

It would have been a tribute, an homage.

Exactly.

To his oeuvre.

I'm sorry to say, I'm ashamed to say I didn't do any of those things.

I'm really sorry, I spacked out at the last minute because I was nervous.

There was a lot of people... Not even a Jo's pickles.

I think I may have given him a Yo's Bickels.

You did this at the Oxford Circus store of a major computer retailer.

Yeah.

And they have a kind of peculiar theatre on their top floor, don't they?

Yeah, where they do demonstrations and tutorials.

It's got a big screen and six or seven rows of seats, quite long rows of seats.

Yeah, I would say they were a couple of hundred people packed in there.

Pretty good.

All the seats were taken and then loads of people came and spectated, including various... Spickletated.

...geniuses and Apple Store... Spickletated.

Yeah.

Staff members.

And it was good fun.

It was really enjoyable.

Went really well.

Spike was very charming and accommodating and I did a thing where I presented a lot of YouTube comments to him.

Right, right.

From the trailer of where the wild things are.

Right.

Which was out yesterday, of course.

Of course.

And so it felt really good.

Like by the end of it, it felt great.

But then a podcast is available of the session, right?

Go on iTunes and find it.

And

When I listened back to it, and it didn't sound quite so good.

Like, it's just the audio, right?

So there's a whole visual element that's missing.

Excuses, excuses!

Well, here's the thing.

One thing that really made me reach for the pause button, that I'd forgotten I'd done, was, do you remember last, like when we were talking about the film, Off Air, you were talking about the fact that you liked it, you thought, what was your theory about it?

You said it was enjoyably simple because it was

Well, I don't know.

You know the film Where the Wild Things Go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which you've seen.

You had a little theory about why it worked so well.

Yes.

What was it?

I don't remember.

It was like it was a child's game or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That was my theory.

Yeah, it kind of captures that thing where you go off and have a big game with all your friends as a child.

and it's amazingly exciting at first but then there's a weird disagreement where you fall out with someone and it turns a bit nasty and horrible and you get feeling, you start feeling all hot and weird and you don't really know why because you're too young to understand, you know, basic social dynamics and stuff.

So all you can do is run back to your mummy.

Exactly.

And give her a hug and that's basically what that film was about to me.

Did he not agree?

Well, at a certain point I found myself regurgitating your theory because I got rattled.

I ran out of things to say.

And then as I started regurgitating it, quite badly I should add, I suddenly thought, maybe Joe's in the Apple Store watching this at this moment.

I suddenly thought maybe you'd come in and I hadn't properly given you the right credit for it.

Do you know what I mean?

Because it was so obviously your theory.

And then I got really rattled.

I was at home asleep on the sofa.

And my brain started melting and it got away from me and he had no response to the theorem whatsoever.

So if you listen to the podcast you can hear that moment too.

Wow.

I'm sorry I sort of managed to psychically throw you off your stride.

Well it was a good point.

Like when you made it I thought yeah that's a good point.

But then I found myself regurgitating.

I was like, this isn't even my point and I'm regurgitating it badly.

Sorry to ruin it.

Sorry.

I'm quite proud I managed to ruin it without actually being there or making any effort at all.

Hooray!

Long distance torpedo command.

Long distance psychic, psychic warriage.

So we should stand down Black Squadron.

Speaking of psychic warriors, here's the jingle.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bun Get out of the Stone Age, Squadron It's just content 30, time for the news MGMT

They're weirdos.

That's electric feel.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Shall we get into retro text the nation?

No.

Yes.

I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with text the nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because rent rotates the nation's ear And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

Apparently they're gonna be seeing that on X Factor tonight.

Are they?

Yeah.

And am I gonna be like the mentor?

Yeah.

Am I?

Yeah, mentor, mentor, mentor.

No one's contacted me about that yet.

Are they not?

No, what time do I need to get down to the studio?

About five.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Psycho was on the phone yesterday.

Really?

And saying, um... And am I mentoring all three of them?

It's the best text the nation, retro text the nation jingle I've ever heard in my life.

Who are the finalists?

Jumbles, Winkles and Monty.

Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jumbles, Winkles, Monty.

Winkles the hairdresser from Bolton.

That's right.

Yeah, with the tiny, tiny, tiny... Arms.

Arms.

Yeah.

And the big head.

Yeah.

Winkles?

Yep.

The big, big, big, the big girl, the big girl.

She's absolutely giant and she floats really big.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that floats, yeah.

She's full of helium.

And who was the third one?

Monty.

Yeah, he's the really old guy.

He's ancient, he's 150.

It's gonna be an amazing final.

Who's your money on?

Monty.

So is mine.

Because he is the best.

I mean, it's kind of a foregone conclusion.

He's the best and he's got magic fingers.

Sexiest as well.

Exactly.

And he can do that thing with the top of his head.

Yeah, flip it around.

Flip it around.

Flip it all around.

And also everyone feels sorry for him because of the feet.

But wow, that's news for me though, so that's quite a bit.

That's all the latest expected news.

20 million people watching me mentor.

Can you imagine how Monty's gonna sing that retro-texanation jingle?

Amazingly.

Watch out, Subo.

Monty's coming up hard on your heels with his Christmas album.

So Retro Text the Nation listeners is the part of the show where we give you the opportunity to contribute to last week's Text the Nation if you didn't do it last week.

Yeah, exactly.

And last week's Text the Nation subject was all about misconceptions that you have laboured beneath for almost the whole of your life and only recently had corrected.

For example, I remembered one that I

Hey, can I say a thing?

A lot of people were complaining last week that this was just egg corns.

And that's not egg corns.

It may have seemed a little bit like egg corns because some of the ones we did last week were verbal.

The egg corns were in the retro-textination Venn diagram.

And egg corns are a subset of what do we call it?

Misconceptions.

Misconceptions, that's right.

Sorry, my brain's not really functioning.

But here, here's a misconception that I had, which is not an egg corn.

Well, maybe it's kind of egg corn based.

But when I was at school in Wales, as a little totty man, about six years old, I think, they would say the Lord's Prayer in the morning at assembly.

Our Father who art in heaven, Allah be thy name,

And I thought it was Aled be thy name.

And the head boy of the school was called Aled.

So I assumed that whoever was the head boy would have their name incorporated into the Lord's Prayer.

And I desperately wanted that to be me, you know?

We got another email along similar lines, even though of course now I'm not going to be able to remember who it was from.

Hadn't be thy name.

But a guy that misheard thanks Peter God, as thanks Peter God.

And his dad was called Peter.

Whoa!

So he thought his dad was related to God.

Come on, he probably is.

Sorry whoever sent that in not to remember your name but I'm just recalling your email from my head that's how much impact it had.

That's double complementary.

Double complementary.

And you know who you are.

Tom in Leeds sent this in.

Until about a year ago I thought a pony was just a really small horse and didn't realize that it's actually a different breed.

Now this is a bone of contention because there was some people

sending in messages about the fact that you can spell Realize with an S or a Z last week.

I was complaining that I only recently found out it was spelled with an S and not a Z in the UK.

A lot of people saying that's not the case.

It's one of those words you can spell any way you want, they were saying.

What about the pony thing?

The pony thing.

Well, according to Wikipedia, a pony is a small horse

with a specific conformation and temperament.

There are many different breeds of ponies compared to horses, ponies, blah, blah, blah.

So a pony is a small horse.

This guy's saying, I only, I thought a pony was a really small horse.

You don't get a can of worms and you can't get the worms back in the can.

No, I can.

He's wrong.

Tom in Leeds.

Don't worry.

Yeah.

And so a pony can be any sort of young horse, small horse, a small horse.

It's about the height of the horse.

Not about the breed.

Not necessarily.

Here's a good one I got from Hughal Sedgwick-Jell, a friend of mine until the age of 15 thought that everybody sat on the toilet the wrong way round, i.e.

facing the wall with one's arms on the cistern.

It was only when it came up in conversation that he realised this was not normal.

Now, Huels Sedgwick-Gel in this email suggests that that's such a powerful idea.

What's his name?

Huels Sedgwick-Gel.

That's a brilliant name.

He thinks that's such a powerful idea.

He's convinced that 90% of our listeners will now go and try that next time they go to the toilet.

Yeah.

They will attempt to sort of ride it like a horse or a motorbike.

Sit on it like Catherine Keaton.

I think that's unhygienic, because your knees and your feet will go into areas that are usually just splashback based.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, it depends how much clearance you've got.

And it depends how clean is your house.

Also... How clean your house is.

That's not how you say that.

Your julies are going to get a little kind of spritz there when you flush, aren't they?

so it's it's like a well that's an extra kind of it's like a bidet that's an extra sort of european touch i don't see any i'm not gonna be drawbacks i'm just sitting that way around i see none drawbacks none drawbacks yeah because you can lean you can do a little bit of work you can have your laptop you could have your laptop on there unless you've got a curvy system but if you've got a nice flat system oh you can have a little bit of lunch

Let us know how that goes, everybody out there, if you take up fuel Sedgwick gels idea.

I'd like to get the Julie Spritz.

Julie Spritz.

I know someone called Julie Spritz.

She's a very talented actress.

Here's a message right now from Charlotte in Edinburgh.

And she says, Dear Adam and Jo, not so long ago, my boyfriend, my brother and myself were having a conversation about music and a TLC song was relevant to my argument.

I couldn't remember the name of the band.

So I said, you know, the girl group with Lisa left I Lopez and the chorus goes, go, go, Jason, waterfall.

Take me to the rivers and the lakes you used to.

This was greeted with an uproar of laughter from my boyfriend and brother as they told me the lyrics were, in fact, don't go chasing waterfalls.

I had always imagined that this song was about an ex-boyfriend called Jason Waterfall, who used to take his girlfriend to lakes, streams, any kind of romantic watery spot.

To be honest, I prefer my version and am still unable to learn the new lyrics.

Thanks, Charlotte from Edinburgh.

Go, go, Jason Waterfall.

That is better, don't you think?

Yeah.

Much better than anything else.

Jason Waterfalls.

I wonder if he knows Julie Spritzer.

He probably does.

Julie Spritz.

Yeah.

Imagine if they were in a film together.

We should have more of these because we've got quite a few good responses.

Can we not have more now?

Give us one more.

One more.

Did you know that pigeons have nipples?

Yes, that's right.

They do.

Or so I thought after my primary school teacher told us that pigeons suckle their young.

Fast forward to 20 years later, a young man has just started an important new job, and sitting in a crowded tea room decides to impress his new colleagues with this rare and interesting fact.

Even as the words were leaving my mouth, I could tell something was wrong.

Despite the looks of confusion turning to consternation, I stubbornly battled on through to the end of my telling.

This is from Rob Jones in London, thinking there that pigeons suckle their young.

and have little pigeon nipples.

A lovely little mother pigeon lying on her side with lots of little baby pigeons suckling happily and keenly on her nipples.

She would get a lot of chafing with the beaks.

Yeah, she'd have to part the feathers as well.

But there we go, so Rob was laboring under that illusion for a while.

That's a sexy image.

Stopping their feathers to reveal.

Hey folks, after this Richard Hawley record we're about to play, we're going to try and speak to Claire Runacres, the news lady.

I don't know if you heard the news.

She's got a bad cold show.

She's ill and we deserve to know really.

Yeah, so we're going to see if she's up for talking to us.

This is Richard Hawley with Open Up Your Door.

That was Richard Hawley sounding like a kind of Las Vegas crooning man with Open Up Your Door.

That's taken from the album True Love's Gutter, his sixth studio album that was released in September of this year.

It was my album of the year.

Really?

No, I'm just saying that.

They say it was a good album, though.

Congratulations, Richard.

Now, we've been joined in the studio by Claire Runacres, who was reading the news this morning on Six Music.

We've invited Claire in because we had a lot of correspondence about Claire's delivery during her last bulletin.

We had texts along the lines of, does the news lady have a cold?

Has that newsreader got a cold or what?

Has your newsreader got a clothes peg on her nose?

Et cetera, et cetera.

So we thought we were the sort of show that should set the story straight.

Yeah.

And get the newsreader in.

Claire, would you say, I'll give you a sample sentence.

How about around the ragged rock, the ragged rascal ran or something like that?

Around the ragged rock, the ragged rascal ran.

You sound better now than you did on your bullet.

Are you hamming it up?

It's no, it's the nuh I can't do.

I'm totally bunged up.

We were so impressed when we heard you because we thought it was such a strong cold and it sounds so strong, we thought it was very brave of you to come into work.

Yeah, you soldered in.

You could easily have taken a sickie.

Why didn't you pull a sickie, mate?

Sickie, mate.

She's too professional.

Look, we could easily read the news.

It doesn't matter how serious it is.

We've got the necessary gravitas.

We're trained in news.

Well, this could be arranged.

But you seem more quirky than the new sound.

Have you even got a cold at all?

Well, no, I'm just putting it on just for the effects.

She doesn't sound like she's got the cold anymore.

So you don't actually feel bad, you would say?

No, I feel fine.

I just sound stupid.

Yeah, and you don't sound stupid.

You sound sort of tired and sexy.

Well, that's not so bad.

But when you were reading the news, your voice was almost getting croaky as well.

Like you sounded, you were doing the voice basically that I used to do when I phoned in sick and the technique is to lie on your bed backwards with your, like lie on your back on your bed, hang your head over the side of the bed.

And that makes your voice sound kind of strained and croaky like that if you do it.

And that's a good way of phoning in sick, and you had that voice.

Well, thanks for that tip.

Maybe I should have used it this morning.

Well, you didn't need to, though, did you?

Because you sounded really bunged up.

And you're heavily pregnant?

That's part of the problem.

I'd take something for it, but I can't.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm glad she's actually pregnant.

Not just like a little bit.

She doesn't sound ill anymore.

What's happened to the bunged up voice?

We cured her!

We've cured her.

It's Dr. Buckles and Dr. Sexy.

I've passed it on to you guys.

Oh yes, that's the point, isn't it?

What are we doing inviting you in here?

Get her out!

Well Claire, I'm glad you're feeling okay.

And very good luck with the pregnancy.

End of January you're due.

Yeah.

I hope that goes well for you.

And there you go, listeners.

Claire's all right.

She's in one piece.

Thank you for your concern.

You'll be hearing more from her at 11.30.

But right now, Joe, you've got a free play for us.

Do I?

Is this the M Ward?

Yeah, this is M Ward.

He's a sort of Los Angeles fashionable singing man.

And he's done a cover of David Bowie's Let's Dance.

This is what it sounds like.

Six music.

Later today, songs with girls shouting with Jimmy Wingwong.

Then at midnight, DJ Scratch Max.

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

But now, oh, it's Adam and Jo.

Hey, listeners.

How are you doing?

Adam and Joe here on 6 Media.

That was the Killers with all these things that I've done.

We have been here only an hour because the show started at 10am, not 9am this week.

We started starting at 10.

We started starting at 10 last week.

And that's where we're going to be now for the next few weeks at least.

Last week's retro textination was about parties, right?

Amazing parties.

Yeah.

And we had an email from a man who wrote into us about an incredible student party, which involved a sort of homemade water slide coming out of the first floor of a house, curling around the garden and going back into the front room where they had got a massive tarpaulin and pinned it against the walls and filled it with water and made a huge indoor pool.

And it sounded incredible.

Well, I would say I was poo-pooing the notion that they'd actually gone through with it.

Adam poo-pooed in the pool, and... but... And we also accused the gentleman that sent this email, whose name we can't remember.

Yeah, true to form.

Uh, we accused him of being a liar.

Massive liar.

I think his name was Tom.

Why do I think his name was Tom?

You always do.

We get a lot of Tom's, you know.

So it's a good guess, though?

Yeah, it's a good guess.

It's a common name.

Tom.

Tom's usually the kind of person that builds a water slide.

Anyway, he sent us photos of this party, and lo and behold, it appears to be completely true.

The photo was an extraordinary, jerry-built pool with about, you know, 10 or 11 very drunk-looking students in it, and very off-colour water.

I mean, it looked pretty revolting.

It looked like a sort of fun cesspit.

Soup.

Student soup.

Yeah, not a lot of water in there, mostly just urine, alcohol and sweat.

And some crunchy croutons.

But it's true, the party did happen and so hats off to you, whoever you are, you're probably Tom.

And we're sorry that we labelled you a liar.

Yeah, the cast will take back that accusation.

Now, Joe, you were saying just while we were playing The Killers there.

Yeah, I've got to get something off my chest.

I had an altercation in a popular coffee chain.

It's that sandwich shop that has aluminium in it, you know, and lots of star shapes around the place.

I go there regularly every morning for a delicious croissant and I was standing in the queue and this particular chain has quite a chaotic queuing system, e.g.

it doesn't have one.

Yeah, it's often very busy in the morning.

So I was standing waiting for my delicious croissant in a queue, a sort of queue that had informally formed, and it was a sort of one queue for about four checkouts.

They have lots of checkouts at this place and they're usually pretty good.

So I was in that queue, I was about five people away from the queue.

On my right passed me swan the young lady doing a message on her pink blackberry and she headed straight past the queue up to the counter.

Okay, so lady mark.

So corn balls.

reaches out and touches her arm and says, excuse me, there's a cue here, right?

Well, you see, there we go, you've honed in on the point.

Hand on the shoulder.

As soon as I touched her arm, she turned around and looked at me as if I had the severed head of her mother in my hand.

Did you?

I didn't, no, I'd left it at home.

But she looked at me as if I actually had it with me.

as if I pulled it out of some sort of bowling ball bag and gone, look at the severed head of your mother.

She was so shocked.

She literally gasped and stared at me in silence.

And I sort of smiled weakly and said, we're queuing.

I carried on forcing my point.

And she said,

How dare you touch me?

How dare you reach out and grab my arm?

I said, I didn't grab your arm.

I touched your arm.

That is so aggressive, she said.

I was like, is it really aggressive to lightly touch someone's arm?

What are you going to do next, steal my blackberry?

No, you didn't say that.

It's like, curve your enthusiasm.

So I just.

What?

I just touched your, I barely touched your arm.

Well, I couldn't react in that kind of way.

I were totally short-circuited, because I just didn't understand.

To me it was as if she was insane.

Insanely overreacting.

But you just can't be sure, because it was suddenly a very public confrontation, because now of course the whole of...

the aluminium sandwich shop was now staring at us.

Right.

Do you get any Stevens?

Didn't get any Stevens, no.

In fact, this place was right next to the BBC here.

Yeah, I know the one.

So I'm convinced that this young woman had a haughtiness that could only come from working at the BBC.

From the castle.

Yeah, probably Radio 4.

Castle based hortiness.

I'm just guessing.

But anyway, I was quite sort of vilified and confused.

And she did join the back of the queue.

And when I bought my breakfast kit, I was so polite to the person serving.

Yeah.

I was sort of extra polite so everyone could tell I wasn't a bad person.

Yeah.

And then I started thinking, what would be a brilliant verbal salvo for as I exit?

Right.

Because I'd very much

sort of stayed silent, and I could have been cheekier, I could have risen to her confrontational tone, but I didn't.

You know what I would have done?

What?

Squeezed her ass.

Would you?

Little pat on the bum.

Calm down, darling.

Better luck next time.

I'm sorry.

You know what I was going to say?

You know what I had ready in my head?

I apologise for that language-incidentally-listeness.

I was going to turn and look at her and say, bye!

Good luck with being nuts!

That was my line in my head.

I thought, this is good, this is good.

What's she gonna come back to?

And I've left so much of a pause between the altercation.

That's just gonna, that's gonna ruin her week.

Yes, and I will have won, but I didn't say it.

Good luck with being nuts.

Good luck with being nuts!

And I would have run out of the shop at high speed!

People don't like it when you invade their space.

People don't like being touched, do they?

Do you remember my story about the King Kriya social concert when I told those two ladies to be quiet?

It was the very same lady face I got.

You put your hand on her shoulder in that situation.

My long-term partner gives me when I touch her.

It's not.

She loves to be touched.

How dare you touch, what are you gonna do, steal my black brie?

Is this a new rule?

Are you not allowed to touch another human being unless you know them?

Is that a thing?

Do you go on a, do I have to go on a register now?

He's weird.

It's, I mean, it's outrageous.

It's like being, getting an electric catapult.

I really didn't grab her arm.

I bet you didn't.

I lit, I touched it.

Yeah.

I may have tried to stop her.

It may have been a slight bit of pressure, anyway.

What do you think, listeners?

Did I step over a line?

Or should everyone just touch strangers a bit more?

Sure, I do.

I mean, I'm a big fan of strangers.

You love to touch strangers.

You do it at night, don't you?

Dressed in your special clothes.

I'll goose anyone.

Climbing windows.

Down drain pipes.

They really like it.

Hey, I'm Spring Heeled Buxton.

It's Gary Newman and Little Boots time.

This was recorded especially for BBC Six Music and it was... You can go to the Six Music website if you'd like to watch a video of the performance we're about to play you.

This is Gary Newman and Little Boots with our friends Electric.

Gary Newman!

And little boots there.

I mean, the spoken bit in the middle of that are Friends Electric, which incidentally, don't forget, you can see on the Six Music website, you can watch a video of that performance and you can hear the whole show from last night on the iPlayer.

But Gary, he's just mumbling.

He's king of the mumblers.

But he's very, very good at mumbling.

He was just sounding like a sort of old drunkie.

Controversial music today.

That cover of David Bowie's Let's Dance by M Ward has provoked the I... What's the word?

Higher of our listeners.

It was a little downbeat.

Guy from Coventry.

Absolute rubbish.

Can't dance to that.

Bowie deserves better than that.

There's another quite negative one down there.

It's not.

It says that was a terrible, terrible cover of Let's Dance.

Don't ever darken my radio with it again.

Frankly, I like it.

Very late at night, about one in the morning, played very loud.

It really hits the spot.

I like M Ward very much.

M Ward's good, but I suppose it's a bit of an obvious gambit to play an upbeat song in a sort of downbeat solo guitar thing.

It's quite an easy way to go, but that in and of itself shouldn't be enough ground to dismiss it, should it, Count Buckley's?

No, I mean not if you do something sufficiently interesting with it, which may be immortal Well, I think it's he's been very subtle and it's a yes.

Oh, it is.

Yes Yeah, and it depends on when and where you listen Hey

You should.

You're taking a chance and you're pushing the boundaries.

You're popping your head through the noon barrier and saying, hey, I mean, you haven't actually popped you.

It was 45 minutes until we popped.

I'm trying to push it through.

It won't go yet.

It's really close.

But don't worry about a couple of naysayers out there, all right?

They're narrow-minded.

Are they?

All right.

It was very nice.

We all liked it, didn't we, folks?

Let's have some more retro-texanation.

Yes, let's.

Yeah.

So, Retrotext the Nation, as we reminded you earlier, last week was all about things you've kind of got wrong, miscomprehensions, misunderstandings, things that you've only just learned and make you feel retrospectively like a fool.

Misconceptions.

This is a message that I got from... Hey, that was... What was that?

That was another jingle.

Uh-huh.

We can't have- what was that?

That was a jingle clash.

Jingle clash for like a subsection- For retrotext the nation.

If we just honed it into a misconceptions feature.

You're getting into an individual jingle for each new subject.

Conceptions?

Here's one from Evan in Sydney, Australia.

We've got a lot of listeners in Australia, don't we?

And none of them will have us to stay.

No, I mean why don't the BBC fly us out there and do a little tour?

I'd love that.

Stupid.

He says, greetings AJ, whilst driving through a tunnel that went underwater, my girlfriend said she always worried when driving through them in case there was a puncture in the tunnel and water would come gushing through.

For a moment, I entertained that thought.

But then I started wondering how they would build a tunnel in the water.

Surely they don't have builders in wetsuits with scuba diving gear.

Then we realised they probably built under the ground, which is below the water.

Well, I don't actually know, because as I was reading this message, I was thinking, you know, I don't really know, Evan.

Maybe surely they sometimes do, they put pipelines in the sea, right?

Then you do get scuba men with underwater.

Yeah, but then they just have to sort of lower the pipes.

Yeah.

...and connect them.

That's the way I thought they'd... Like big pipes, and then they flush the water out of them.

That's the way I thought they did them.

If you go on the Eurostar under the channel... Yeah.

...everybody on that train is thinking the same thing as you go into the tunnel.

Right.

You're having sort of Sylvester Stallone-style fantasies about some kind of underwater train disaster.

Uh-huh.

Don't you?

Sure.

Is it impossible not to have a fleeting reverie about some sort of underwater disaster?

No, it's very unpleasant.

I don't like it.

I'm very relieved when we emerge.

Yeah, when you emerge at the other end.

And then the other thing that people must think about generally is how the hell they built the thing.

Right.

They should have a little booklet.

Do you know, James?

You're clever than us.

We don't know anything.

Nothing.

Someone tell us.

You could build it full of water in scuba suits, then suck the water out like a giant straw.

That's what I'm saying, yes.

Either flush it or suck it.

Yeah.

Anyway, we don't know.

Have you got one there?

I certainly do.

Here are some good ones.

Here's one from Ellie from Aylesbury.

Until recently, I always thought the popular lemon-lime carbonated drink 7UP was actually called ZUP.

Because of the packaging, I still think that sounds way better.

They could rebrand it.

They should rebrand it ZUP.

Yeah, ZUP.

Another quickie from Beth WilderSpin, WilderSpin.

An indigestion tablet advert a few years ago encouraged you to suck them and see.

I, for a long time, thought that they contained a new type of vitamin or wonder drug called Succoman C. That's pretty good.

Yes, I'm afraid you're severely lacking in Succoman C. You need a little injection there.

Here's one from Trev Rowe.

He says, Hi Cornish Boggles and Buckles.

Nice to include boggles in there.

My friend Natasha managed to... Use boggles.

Put boggins.

Oh, that's a new name for boggins, is it?

Boggles.

He says, my friend Natasha managed to live into her mid-twenties, believing... And this is bizarre.

I thought that was the end of the sentence.

No, no.

She managed to live into her mid-twenties.

What kind of misconception is that?

You're not supposed to make it to your mid-twenties, you moron.

She lived into her mid-twenties believing that when people talked about there being six billion people in the world, it meant we were all living inside the world.

Okay, this is hard to actually conceive, but she believed that we were living in a kind of inner kingdom.

Right.

And she said it came up, he says it came up in a conversation with her boyfriend when she asked how it was that we could see the moon.

best bit, she's a travel agent.

I kid you not.

I mean, what kind of a travel agent is she?

That's quite sensational.

Yeah, you'll be travelling to a magical island in a big metal bird, a sausage bird that flies in the sky just beneath the outer layers of the inside world where we live.

Wow, it's like a sort of real-life Truman Show.

Can you believe it though?

Into her mid-twenties.

Yeah, there's six billion people in the world.

Inside the world.

Where they live.

Well that's blown my other ones out of the water.

Come on, let's have a more normal one.

I used to go out with someone from Surrey, let's call him Nick.

who liked to think that he was a bit posher than the rest of us.

He was so keen on being posh that he used to pronounce the word pavement, pa-the-ment.

So the first syllable rhymes with bathe.

Pavement.

That's posh.

Pavement.

My son does that.

Does he?

Yeah, it's nice.

I've got one other one here.

For most of my 32 years I thought that Barbara Streisand was called Barbara Streisland with an L.

The truth only emerged after I suggested to my girlfriend that we got tickets to go and see her in concert last year.

I couldn't believe it.

I've got a couple of her albums and I could have sworn they said Striseland.

Catherine in Deptford.

Here's one from Jay.

He says, bucks and corn.

I only realised, with an S, about two years ago that I'd been misspelling February.

I'm 28.

One day, glancing through my diary, I noticed the correct spelling and pointed out to my girlfriend at the time that my diary had an error in it.

I proclaimed how stupid it was of the printers to make such a glaring boob.

She stated that I was the stupid one and asked how I spell February.

For 26 years, I spelled it February without the R.

I couldn't believe it!

How can someone live 26 years without becoming aware of this?

My life became a farce.

Why hadn't my teachers, my friends and my family pointed this out?

I'm no longer with my girlfriend, and I fear this may have been a contributing factor.

Is there anyone else to blame apart from myself?

What other fundamental aspects of everyday life have I misconstrued?

Uh, yours, Jay.

If that is my real name.

In Manchester.

P.S.

Jay isn't my real name.

It's James!

What if Jay lives inside the world?

What if actually a huge portion of the human race do live inside the world on a sort of... ...metsanine level?

Yeah.

I mean, if it turns out that Natasha's actually right about us, we have cordwellers.

What if only members of the government and lizard people have access to a secret lift... ...that takes you down to... B-Planet?

so basically what we're looking when we think when we look at the sky it is a painted ceiling yes it is like in part it's of the Caribbean exactly the ride in Disneyland

Oh man, this is totally... He's stumbled onto a truth larger than any of us can deal with.

Here's a free play for you now.

Listen, this is Jonathan Richmond and he sounds a little bit like Claire Runacres in this.

He's got a kind of very nasal delivery anyway and when he's singing this song it's even more so.

And this is about a guy called Hippie Johnny and basically he's phoning up his girlfriend or this girl who he wants to go out with and he's saying, stop going out with that guy Hippie Johnny, he's always stoned.

You should go out with me, I'm straight.

and this song is called I'm Straight by Jonathan Richman.

I mean, who hasn't?

You know, we were talking about touching people just then.

Touching?

How I touched the lady in the sandwich shop and she overreacted.

She probably fancied you.

Do you remember there was an erotic atmosphere?

It was a little sparkle.

It was a meet-cute.

Do you remember the touching game?

Sure!

That we used to play.

Adam and I used to play a game called the touching game when we were punking off school or just when we... Just poncing around in pieces.

What would that game go?

Private study periods.

It would go me and Zach and you and Louis would run out and we would have to go up to a stranger.

This would usually be in Trafalgar Square, outside the National Gallery.

I remember playing it a lot.

A busy place.

Yeah.

A place busy with pedestrians.

Like, whilst the rest of us were watching, you would have to go up and touch someone just on their body.

and either not be busted.

I mean, the thing was that... You can walk along behind them and rest your hand lightly on the back of their jacket.

Right, exactly.

As they walk along.

And didn't you get points depending on what reaction you got?

Yeah, if you could hold... If you could touch them and not be noticed at all, like get several metres along the street without being noticed, then that was a score you'd run back towards your cluster of observing friends.

Yes.

But you'd get more points if you got busted, wouldn't you?

Would you?

Yeah, because that would... Depending on how sort of vociferous the response was.

Yeah, that was more derelicious.

If someone turns round, if you go up and lay your hand on their butyls... Derely.

And they spin round and go, what the heckins?

Then you get more points for that, surely, than an unrecognised bottom touch.

Yeah.

It's a good game.

It is a good game.

You can get in trouble, though, playing.

You have to be careful.

You should be very careful.

I only mention it because a listener called Ruth texted in saying, I have a friend who's been testing how long he can touch strangers for.

He and his friends compete with best non-sexual body parts to touch.

Yeah.

He put his hand on the waist of the Covent Garden Marks and Spencer security guard for ages once.

But no rebuff, just a confused security guard.

It is fun.

I mean, a little bit of confusing touching can be a fun thing.

Well, I think we should really bring it back because I don't think this is a direction the world should go in.

Well, do you ever find that, I mean, you and I are certainly in the scale of celebrity pretty minor, but I think sometimes if people recognize you, they feel more inclined to touch you.

Do you ever get that?

Like people sort of reach out and... Not really.

Well sometimes when I'm doing gigs and stuff I guess after people have had a few drinks people come over and like last night I was out and this guy he was a friend like he'd been introduced to me by a friend and he was a little bit tooty but at one point he reaches across and he starts tugging at my beard going nice beard and he was like tugging at my beard and then and then he sort of

pinched my nose and stuff, I really wanted to hit the gun.

He wants, he's after a DNA sample, so he can clone some little bucculings.

Yeah.

Get them on rival radio stations.

Buckolick Park.

I really wanted to smack him.

He's the new Richard Attenborough.

Shall we have some made up jokes?

Here's the jingle!

We're going to blaze through these listeners.

Here's one from Ben in Greenwich, and he says, what do you call a female pop star who's able to detect ionizing radiation?

Oh, probably something to do with, oh yeah, no, I can guess this one.

Lady Geiger.

Yeah.

Did you see her in her giant bath?

No.

On the telly programme, The X Factor?

No.

She'd done a performance.

I only saw it on the repeat last night.

Yeah.

She'd done a performance.

What was in the bath?

Men, dancing men.

She finished her song in a very, you know, she does very sort of edgy, angular dancing.

She does.

So did her dancers.

Very sexy, very provocative.

They finish their dance all lounged all over the bath, all in weird positions.

And she's in a weird position on her back with her head hanging over the edge of the bath.

Dermot has to come over and interview her.

And it was funny because the dancers didn't really know what to do, whether to relax or whether to hold their poses.

Yeah.

So they held their poses.

Good job.

You could see that they were really... Were they sort of quivering?

Yeah, they were under a certain amount of strain.

And then Lady Geiger counter didn't know what to do herself.

So she was just kind of weird and awkward.

Did she say anything outrageous?

I'm in the bath!

Dermot said, what's your advice for our contestants and viewers?

She said, be yourself and don't ever let anybody tell you that you can't fulfill your dreams.

Which is good, I thought that's good advice.

Of course, that's the standard.

What would you do if I told you you couldn't fulfill your dreams?

I'd be upset and I'd stop trying to fulfill my dreams.

Well, do you want to listen to Lady Guy?

I shouldn't let anyone tell me that.

Here's a joke from Max in Aberdeen.

Did you hear about the albino smoothie?

It didn't have enough melanin.

Come on.

Incidentally, if you've never heard this show before, these are jokes that people have sent in that they have made up themselves.

They're claiming they've authored them, and I've done some testing on my ones.

Well, Lady Guy... I'm not even going to go into whether Lady Guy... At least it's Contempo.

Exactly.

He's one from Mark Livingston, and I'm sure some variation of this has been done before.

He says it works with other philosophers too, as long as the second one is always candy.

I bet that's a golden oldie.

Yeah, it's like, what's the difference between Robbie Burns and Walt Disney?

Yeah.

Robbie Burns and Walt Disney!

Ah, very good.

That is a good one.

Come on.

Dan Fowler from St.

Albans offers this joke as his own creation.

Do you believe him?

Have you heard it before?

Did you hear about the man with a lisp and a limp?

He kept walking in Tharkelf.

Come on, that's a cracker joke, that one, practically.

Those are the only two I've got.

Every other joke that I tested did not pass the Cornish Google test.

I wonder if this one would pass the Google test.

This is from Liam Cooper in Oxford.

Did you hear about the king who used to shout obscenities from the battlements of his castle?

Yeah, I did.

He had turrets syndrome.

Nice.

He had turrets.

Here's some music for you right now.

This is Yea Sayer with Ambling Alp.

Thank God.

Wow, it's the new wibbly-wobbly sound of contemporary music.

That's Yaysayer, which is more positive than Naysayer.

They may be related to Leosayer.

We're not sure.

They're an experimental band based in Brooklyn, New York.

Is their experiment successful?

Well, Jimmy the Hoover must be getting a bit annoyed about that, because they've just totally ripped all Jimmy the Hoover's.

Live performances sometimes include trippy psychedelic visuals projected in the background.

Whoa.

They've got all the new tricks.

They've got all the big ideas.

They're probably really good.

They toured with management during the spring of 2008.

They've also played the Hove Festival.

That's a good festival.

So they're the latest thing and if you don't like them then you're old and rotten and you're frightened of the new.

Get with it Grandad!

So Joe, you've got a free play for us right now.

I do, yeah.

This is a band called Outcast and Word Magazine did their... Is that the right one?

That's what we're playing next, isn't it?

Yeah.

Word Magazine did their albums of the decade.

Oh yes.

Did you see that?

And this to them was...

kind of that hip-hop album of the decade reckon they were reckoning it was it's massively influential on uh you know can you west's new direction and and the sound of urban music which one did they go for speaker box and the love speaker box right yeah yeah they reckon it's a classic and i kind of agree with them and this is one of my favorite tracks off it this is called prototype

Frank Black there with Everything Is New from his album Show Me Your Tears from way back in 2003.

Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Now, back in the summer when we were at Glastonbury and we came out of the song Radio Radio by Elvis Costello, we couldn't have known that our pathetic rambles about

What kind of songs would be guaranteed to be played on the radio would spur... I'm really in trouble here, man.

I'm putting on a jumper.

You're putting on a jumper.

I don't know how to get it around my headphones.

You haven't taken your headphones off.

I'm just talking rubbish.

A lot of distracting things happening.

We were basically just speculating about what kind of song would be guaranteed to be played on the radio, right?

So we just improvised these stupid little rambles and people, we put them on our blog and people have been putting them to music in variously creative ways.

Yeah, the listeners instigated this, didn't they?

We just happened to sing stupidly and then some brilliant and kind person made the decision to put the random singing to music and it snowballed into a kind of experimental sidebar in the show where you take our sort of out of tune atonal, structureless singing and give tone and structure to it.

way.

So it's a sort of way for people to demonstrate their extraordinary musical and production skills with a piece of absolute sort of rubbish to base it on.

Toilet rubbish.

Here's something that John Ramone from Epsom Ramone sent in.

He says, Dear Adam and Jo, on a recent family outing to our loft, I was delighted to find our old record player.

On It was a long player of the Ramones, recorded live in New York City, New Year's Eve 1979.

After we pogoed around,

The long forgotten toys and dad's old magazines.

We relaxed with a lovely bag of glue.

Four hours later we were amazed to find a hidden... I'm sure that's not true.

To find a hidden bonus track recorded by the little-known and very underrated younger Ramon brother, Adam Ramon.

Hope you enjoy it.

Here it is.

One, two, three, four!

Hey ho, come on let's go Hey ho, come on let's go Hey ho, come on let's go This song is playing the radio Hey ho, come on let's go Listen to the song on the radio This is the song that's playing right now Thank you very much, good night

I love Joey Ramone at the end there.

Thank you very much.

That's perfect.

Thank you very much, John from Epsom.

This is going to make very little sense if you haven't heard the original samples.

Maybe we should have played those as well.

Are we able to play the clean samples, James?

No, no.

But you can remember what you say.

I mean, I can remember, but I'm just thinking about listeners that don't know the backstories.

You can paraphrase it, though.

We were making the point that if you sing a song that lyrically is about being on the radio, you'll get on the radio faster.

So I sung a random thing as well, and we got an amazing version of it by Nigel Hill.

He says, I really hope you like this.

I've incorporated both of your singy bits onto a musicy bit that sounds a little like the Blankety Blank theme tune.

I think it's better than the Blankety Blank theme tune, which is high praise.

After a couple of hours fiddling with your rather untidy but marvellous vocals, and then more hours fitting the music around it, I've come up with this little tune.

I hope it's not too long.

It's not long enough, Nigel.

Here it is.

This song is playing on the radio Hey ho, come on let's go Listen to the song on the radio This is the song that is playing right now

I like the fact that your bits are all beaten perky in my bits.

I like it when your bit comes in.

It sounds so depressed and psychotic.

But yeah, it's strangely chirpy.

That's good, Nigel.

I think that's really very good.

If I was, for instance, the head of ITV, where almost all programs have a theme tune that sounds like that, I'd make that my new key theme tune.

You know, like, the Grange Hill tune seemed to be sufficient for Give Us a Clue and Grange Hill.

It was on various different programs.

I'd do that with that.

Yeah, definitely.

I'd use Nigel's composition for almost everything.

Repurpose it.

Here's one final one.

This is coming from a completely different place.

Let's just fire this off, James.

Here's a bit of art music.

Right, it's a kind of ambient composition.

Some synths coming in here.

This is from someone called— Stop talking over it.

I'm sorry.

Start talking over it again.

This is from someone called Conal Rad, C-O-N-E-L-R-A-D.

He says, I'm a part-time electronic musician working under the name Conal Rad.

Tom Robinson has played me a few times on six music.

That was nice of him, he says.

and I wanted to see what I could do with your radio songs.

I wanted to do something a bit different though.

Obviously the premise of the things is that any song that mentions the radio will automatically get played on the radio.

So instead of turning the sample into a hot sexy chart hit with cardboardy reason beats and so on... Like Nigel did.

Right.

I thought I'd see how far I could push the idea.

I took Adam's unintentionally or rather intentionally deadpan monotone voice and made use of its soporific qualities, looping it alongside some evil decayed synths.

and turning it into a long, loping, ambient thing that nobody in their right minds would ever play on the radio.

And there it is ending there.

There it is.

Well, I mean, we did play it on the radio.

I mean, we spoiled it by talking over it.

But thank you very much for that.

The current already says PS Killboggins.

Yeah, thank you everybody who's done that.

And if you go to our blog, which is available to view at bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Joe, you can get those original music free bits of rubbish vocal.

And also you can hear what some other people have done with them.

And maybe you think you can blow those efforts out of the water with your own amazing interpretation.

I don't know why you would do it.

We're not really sure.

Well, we know why we're playing them, because they're funny and good.

Don't start asking why about things.

I mean, if we start questioning why we're here and what we're doing, it's all going to crumble.

What are we doing?

No, no, no, no.

Why?

It's Toots and the Matals with Time Tough.

That's why.

Toots and the Matals there with Time Tough.

What's happening next, then, on this programme, Adam?

I wanted to talk to you about hotels.

Oh.

Do you like staying here?

You stay in quite a few hotels, right?

Yeah, I stay in a lot of hotels.

We travel a great deal.

I'm like George Clooney and up in the air.

Exactly.

You seen that film yet?

Yeah.

Is that enjoyable?

Yeah, it is.

You having Clooney?

Yeah, I liked it.

Like Pro Clooney?

Yeah.

Did you really like it?

You're not just saying it would be nice.

Well, do you really...?

Because you know him or something.

No.

I know people don't know.

Do you?

Very nice chap, apparently.

Very nice guy.

Anyway, the fact is you like staying in hotels, right?

Do you actually like staying in them or do you dread it?

No, I like it.

If it's a nice one, I like it.

If it's a nasty one, I dread it.

Sure, simple as that.

I really like it.

It's, you know, not part of my normal routine, doesn't happen very often, but I was in London this week staying in a very nice hotel as part of a work thing, and it was really fun.

But I'd forgotten about all the, like, how expensive everything is, obviously, and this is an obvious point to make, but I still don't get the mentality of hotels charging so much.

You know, they have like a little basket of sweets and stuff.

in the corner of the room, and you're just about to tuck into a little bag of teasers or whatever it is.

Nice little bit of Toblerone or some chocky bar.

350.

Four.

Four for what?

Four pounds.

For what?

For the standard small sized Tobler triangle bar.

No.

Four pounds!

And that is a 300% mark-up.

How much would it cost you?

A pound?

No, less than a pound.

65 P max.

That's astronomical.

Four pounds!

You're right.

It's ridiculous.

Isn't it?

I was just about a bite the top off that mother and have myself a nice little bit of Chocolate-covered nougat in a triangular form they charge for internet access because that's the most shocking thing I mean that's entirely free for them and yet they can sometimes charge you up to like on this occasion No, and it was nice and fast the broads and oh speedy did they charge for a bathrobe and

You know, I don't even touch those things now, because you go into the bathroom and there's all the notices about, you can use your towel if you want to, but you'll be killing the planet.

How does that feel?

You know, it costs us a lot of money.

Basically, they're just trying to save a bit of money on laundry, but they put it on you that you're killing the planet by making them do laundry.

You're like, well, you know, are you gonna give me a towel or not?

Was that water?

There was a little bit of water.

Free water?

Free water, yeah.

There was free bottled water.

Oh yeah, free, I thought you meant coming out of the tap.

That's no bottled water.

You didn't have to pay to get the tap turned on.

Free water, double water.

Some they don't, some they charge you for quick for the basic water.

But in the end, I had to like, go through, because I was starving for a little snack.

I had to go through and find the cheapest thing there.

It was a pretty miserable chocolate chip cookie.

Like even in a rubbish hotel, you go in and you get the teas made, right?

And you get a couple of little bitches.

Free boar bonds or whatever.

Not in this flipping hotel you didn't.

And I, and you know, the cheapest thing was a little chocolate chip cookie.

Single cookie in a little pathetic wrapper.

One fifty, one pound fifty.

Obviously I could have gone down to a shop and I just couldn't be bothered though.

So I had it, snuffled it.

Do you think I declared it the next day when they asked if I had anything from the basket?

Probably not, didn't declare it.

I felt quite naughty about it.

Yeah.

Normally, I absolutely would declare everything.

Like before, you know, I had a little orange juice from the mini, but I declared that.

Do you leave a tip for the maid?

You know, I was worrying about this.

What do you do?

I'm so unused to going to a hotel.

Are you supposed to?

Well, they sometimes leave a little envelope.

A little envelope for one night, though?

Yeah, saying my name's Conchita.

Oh, they leave an envelope.

I thought you meant you leave an envelope saying, Hi, my name's Conchita.

No, obviously I do that.

Yeah, because my name is Conchita.

Oh, if they leave an envelope, sure, if there's an overture to a tip, then I'll usually oblige.

But if it's just up to you, I mean, do you like once you've paid your bill and signed your check, do you leave a tip?

Uh, no.

No, no, no.

Why would you?

Well, I don't know.

They've already sucked all the money out of your wallet.

It's such a movable feast.

Have you ever tried to fiddle the mini bar?

Uh, what, like top up the whiskey with some tea?

I think some topping up or replace it with a cheaper version or something.

Sometimes I put my own things in the mini bar, and they don't like that.

You know, I put my own orange juice in there, and some bickies in there, and then when you come back and the room's been done, they've taken them out.

Oh, that's annoying though, as they do that.

While you're there, you're paying for the fridge.

It's your personal fridge.

You could store blood samples in there if you wanted.

Could I?

Yes.

Thanks.

They shouldn't tamper with those things.

When we were on our honeymoon, me and my wife stayed in this hotel in Las Vegas, and they had those things with the pressure pads on the mini bar, and we went through this whole Indiana Jones-type thing of trying to... What do you mean pressure pads on the mini bar?

Well, each item sits on a pad, so if you remove it, it's immediately logged onto your bill.

So by touching it, you have to pay for it?

As soon as you remove it, it goes on your bill.

So we were trying to do this thing with similarly weighted objects and trying to slide them in.

Did it work?

No.

That's exciting.

It was exciting.

It felt like we were in a film.

Good stuff!

Time for a record?

Yeah, yeah.

Here's Julian Casablancas with I Wish It Was Christmas Today.

Yeah.

You know, the other thing with hotels is, in my opinion, they always give you the worst room.

Right.

Just by default.

So you should always say, can I see the room?

And then say, is there a better one?

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it's a little trade secret from Cornballs.

Doctor Handel?

Yeah, and just push with the room and there'll always be a better one.

They always just put non-fussy customers in the noisiest room with the worst view.

Yeah, that's what they do to me.

Yeah, and then they just wait for the fussy ones and give them, so be fussy.

That's my thing.

Jimmy Fusspot.

Every time that I've tried to be Jimmy Fusspot, it's got thrown right back in my face with a little dollop of poo poo.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Because they think, because I don't think...

They can see right through me, they think, oh, this guy has talked to someone who said, oh, you know, you should always make a fuss and you'll get a better room.

Well, I'm going to throw it right back in his little hairy face.

Deal with that, Jimmy Fuspot.

No, that's the only room we have available.

OK, thank you.

That's usually what I do as well.

But sometimes it comes through.

Anyway, listen, it's time for this week's Text the Nation.

And if you're worried that this is happening a little bit late in the show, don't forget that really it's just a setup for next week's Retro Text the Nation.

Yeah.

It's all about the retro nowadays.

Let's have the jingle jangle.

Text the nation!

Text, text, text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

And Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about homemade Christmas gifts.

What is the best or worst homemade Christmas gift you've ever given or received?

Because next week's show is going to be quite Christmasy.

It's our last show before Christmas, is that true, on the 19th?

So we want a Christmas-themed Text the Nation, and this is it.

Adam Buxton, what's the best or worst homemade Christmas gift you've ever given or received?

Ask me.

I've got one.

They have some thinking.

How about you?

Yeah, who you I mean, you're quite good on your homemade stuff aren't you?

You've got well, you've got a good buddy who does a lot.

I got a good buddy who does a lot He did a brilliant series of portraits So he just bought some lovely gouache paints and some little canvas boards that you can get from art shops And he got some photographs of all his loved ones and he did some quite insane portraits outside

Well, the best thing was he was obviously clearly trying to do his absolute best.

There was nothing ironic or tongue-in-cheek about his approach.

He really focused and tried to capture them.

And inevitably, it turns out, quite wonky and self-expressive.

But in a very truthful way, if you don't actually sort of premeditate the wonkiness.

And we treasure that portrait.

It's of me and my lady partner.

I think I know the one.

It is absolutely one collision.

It's really off, but yet there's something more on about it than any more on.

It's more on it than off it.

Yeah.