The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (05 December 2009)

That's Susie in the band.

She's there with Hong Kong Garden.

It's all very exciting.

So I was just chatting outside with James Corden and George Lamb.

That's how I roll.

I can't hear nothing.

You know, I just like a little chit chat with some attractive, famous people.

There we go.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

This studio smells of cologne now and man products.

It smells of success is what it smells of.

Because it's the first time we've done our show after Mr Lamb's programme and it smells of men's grooming products.

It smells nice.

Usually we come here, no disrespect to the DJs that we followed in the past, but sometimes we come in here it smells a little student-y and funky.

I disagree.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I think it smells lovely.

I wouldn't want to be insulting towards the DJ's who we take over from.

That's what I'm saying.

I said no disrespect to them.

I did a little no disrespect disclaimer.

But there's definitely a manly smell in here.

How you doing, listeners?

Very nice to have you along.

How you feeling getting up an hour later, Joe?

Discombobulated.

I feel perky!

I'm overexcited.

I need to be taking down a peg.

Oh, I'll do that.

Will you?

Try it.

I bet you can't.

Shut up.

That's depressing.

Um, no, it's good, isn't it?

I was confused.

I didn't know whether my feet were attached to my ears.

I didn't know what was going on.

Yeah.

It was confusing.

I woke up at the normal time anyway.

Did you?

Yes.

Did you go to bed later?

Yes.

I went to bed an hour later.

I went to bed at 1.15.

I wrote a song about fairies.

And then I did a performance piece to myself in front of the fridge.

I stuffed my pillow with little dead fairies.

Tiny dead fairies, the irony of the fairies being dead was not lost on me.

And then I did some mime.

So we've got a packed show for you listeners.

Packed with what?

We're not going to say, but it's certainly packed.

It's packed to the gills with guts.

The guts of the show absolutely are top guts and they're coming up very soon.

Now, wait, wait, wait.

Some listeners might be confused about the status of Black Squadron.

If you're tuning in for the first time, I don't know why that would be, because we've only shifted forward an hour.

Well, there might be a lot of George Lamb listeners who are trying to make the transition.

We have an elite listening force who listen to this show usually between 9am and 9.30am.

We regarded that as a particularly courageous and effortful time to listen to a radio programme.

We christened them Black Squadron and each week they would do an extraordinary testing task.

So obviously, does the new 10am start?

This isn't a very good sentence, is it?

The question that is provoked... I want you to finish the other one.

Does the new 10am start... Does the new 10am start change the status of Black Squadron?

It's fine, turned out fine.

Obviously at the beginning it wasn't very good.

But does it, do you think?

Who's left the phone off the hook?

It's the whistle wazzle from the phone.

Thank you.

Do you think it changes the status of Black Squadron?

I personally don't believe it does.

I think it turns them into a different force.

I think they've had an extra hour in bed.

They're that much sharper.

They're ready for maneuvers.

Are they a sort of modern, you know, are they like the police force when they let short people in?

Or, you know, when they change the entry criteria for a particular division that are usually quite hardcore, make it.

Do you know, like, when they accepted people into the SAS who, you know, were maybe less muscly than the other ones?

Right.

And women and gays, that kind of thing.

Or community policemen.

Well, that's the most obvious change of policy in recent years has been gays in the military, right?

Right.

And what about short people?

Are short people now allowed to be cops?

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Is that a good thing?

They used to be a height limit, didn't they?

Didn't they?

They took it away.

Could I be a cop?

There are limits.

You might not get noticed.

You get snowed under during protests.

I stepped on.

Oh, so are you going to issue the command for Black Squadron then?

Let's have a record and let's discuss it.

All right, then.

Here's Mumford & Sons.

It's your favourite 70s sitcom, man.

Yeah, I love that.

70s sitcom.

This is winter wind.

There's a great deal of confusion amongst the listenership.

There's a lot of confusion amongst Black Squadron.

A lot of them woke up and were confused by hearing George Lamb's show.

They didn't understand.

They've been trained to expect a command at that time in the morning, and now the pivot around which their psychology hinged.

Can you hinge around a pivot?

I think you probably can, not.

It has been... Now I've got to extend the metaphor.

Anyway, it's all gone wrong, and they're very confused.

Again, you know, imagine the Manchurian candidate, they've all been carefully programmed after months, and now their signals are going wonky, and their domestic behavior is becoming erratic.

It's as if, it's like in Westworld, you know, with Yule Brenner, where they're all robots, you know, people are going around their kitchens with their families, doing their breakfast routine, but something's not right.

Sure.

Something's slightly skewiff, little sparks and whiffs of smoke coming out of people's ears.

You know, something's off.

something's that was because the show's an hour later yeah that's what it is but black squadron i don't know i really feel for you i do know that i feel for you i feel for you i'm confused we're confused as well sing i feel for you by chakra khan feel for you yeah i did the synthy bit as well i think i loved you

But we were thinking of different names for Black Squadron.

We thought maybe if we changed the name, it might help.

Black Squadron Light, Black Squadron Zero, Diet Squadron, but I don't know, it just doesn't feel right.

I think maybe we should, for a week or so, until we get used to this, just let Black Squadron wander around.

Bumping into things with an old bit of stale bread in the pocket, a rancid piece of bacon halfway up the arm, some manky egg in the mouth.

Do you think or should we issue a command?

Of course we should issue a command.

All right, let's issue a command and see what kind of response we get.

And the level of response we get will dictate whether we continue the squadron.

We are now led by the squadron.

We need stats.

You love stats.

Last week we got 140 responses to the squadron command.

That was pretty good.

Okay, so we're going to give you a command squadron.

This is to see how together you are, to see whether we should continue this.

If we get no response, then we may have to... Execute you all.

Well, that's right.

Adam and I may have to come round to your house.

and execute you.

That's what it comes down to on this show.

We'll kill imaginary dogs, listeners, we'll kill anyone.

Well hang on, there's a difference between an imaginary dog and actual listeners.

Oh what?

Oh yeah, you're right.

So like killing a real person.

So you should probably take that back.

Compared to killing an imaginary dog.

That's bad, isn't it?

Yes, imagine everything that makes the world different.

I got carried away.

Listen, we won't actually kill you.

What will we do to them then?

How will we punish them?

Well, think about that when we see what the level of response is.

The text number is 64046.

We're going to issue a command.

We'd like you to take a photograph of yourself performing the command and send it to us on 64046.

The best pictures, or pretty much all the pictures that are fit for publication, will be published on our blog, so you've got to be ready for that.

As soon as Joe issues the command, we will blast into the first free play of the day.

This is something I've chosen for you listeners.

It's a piece of vintage Pink Floyd from their first album.

It's called Lucifer Sam.

It's about a cat, Joe.

Oh, I like catties.

You like cats, so I thought you might enjoy it.

So Joe, issue the command, if you will, please.

Hey, what's your cat voice?

If you were to talk to a cat, how would you talk to a cat?

Is that your cat voice?

I don't patronise cats, I just talk to them.

I know this is when it's in a good...

in a good mood anyway here comes the command don't forget text will be charged at your standard message rate 64046 you can email as well if you have a digital camera adamandjoe.6 music at bbc.co.uk standby here is the command black squadron this week we would like you to photograph yourself in some bin bag fashion

That's The Meters with Sissy Strutt.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Very nice to be with you listeners.

What would you do, Adam, if you were in Black Squadron rather than a commander of Black Squadron and you received the command bin bag fashion?

What would you do?

I'd strip down so that I was nude.

I would tear up some black bin bags.

What do you mean, tear them up?

Well I'd probably use scissors actually and I would cut down the seam to open them up.

Speed this up?

I would wrap them round myself with gaffer tape.

Really?

So you'd just wind gaffer tape round your torso?

Well you told me to speed it up!

I had lots of... I mean I'd get much more creative.

When I said speed it up I didn't mean like tell lies.

What do you want me to do?

Do you want me to go into my ideas or do you want me to keep it speedy?

Both.

I'm not gonna do either now.

I'd make a little cocktail dress.

I'd make a cocktail dress!

All right?

My nipples would be showing.

I'd cut little holes for them.

Now you're talking.

It would be short.

It'd be very short.

It'd be like a Roman toga, but a kind of one that Mark Armand might wear.

Because, you know, I think that a lot of people have taken this command in an obvious but very good way.

You know, popped a couple of arm holes in the sort of bottom corners of the bag, flipped it upside down, made a head hole, and worn it like a kind of a toga or tunic.

Yeah.

Whereas,

this couple here let me see if I can find their names Paul and Sarah in Crofton Park in London Paul seems to have made himself a very attractive bin bag tie a sort of skinny tie which is you know there's minimalism there that I think is very imaginative and his lady partner there

Uh is is that a bit of bin bag it's is that a lime green bin bag she's got a green bin bag around her neck as a kind of neckerchief yeah uh a necker scarf that's fancy also they have that is fat look at this guy that's exactly what i was thinking this is my idea the cocktail dress he is anonymous this guy's anonymous he's got a beard he's

He looks like Colin and Justin fused into one man.

And he's got white gaffer tape to make a cross.

A sort of George's cross on his chest.

This is very good Black Squadron.

I mean it seems as if their powers have not diminished.

There's a lady there, sat next to the bin.

Is that a lady or a man?

It's hard to tell.

It's a little out of focus, but it's very attractive.

Personally, I wouldn't care.

He's nude.

That guy's nude.

And he's sitting in a bin bag next to a bin and a load of old bottles.

I mean, bin bags attract bins like magnets or flies around.

he's got no respect for himself someone's made bin bags shoes look at that that's very kind of um medieval or that sort of good uh uh what's it called festival wear you know if you go to a festival and don't have your boots then you make some makeshift that's the kind of thing we'll all be wearing in a few years john what when the apocalypse happens when the numbers run out when the mayan calendar ticks off a cliff

Well, this is an extraordinary response.

Black squadron.

Oh, look at this one.

Sorry, that's a nude one.

Almost.

He's wearing, I tell you what, he's done.

He's got a sort of a bib.

It's like, you know, when you have a, people don't wear them anymore, but when you wear black tie, you have a kind of weird bib, like a fake shirt.

And do you remember in like old time comedy films, it rolls up and finds people in the face.

Yes, I do.

He sort of made a bin bag version of that.

but he's nude and the bib is going down just far enough to protect his modesty.

It's the sort of suit that Sasha Baron Cohen wore when he was promoting Borax.

Remember that all in one little song?

A little like that.

That's a non.

Very nice.

Anyway, keep those coming in.

So Joe, we've had a message that came through during the week.

This is from Charlotte.

Just the one.

Charlotte from Catford.

Actually, a few people messaged in.

But I'm gonna read out Charlotte's one.

She said dear buckles and corn balls.

Well mainly corn balls Is that your voice on the Terry's chocolate orange advert?

I got ten pounds riding on it.

I got ten pounds I got ten pounds riding on it say yes, and I'll halve the money smiley emoticon big hugs and huge kisses she's gone and There's another stranger motorcon underneath that looks like a I know what that one a groin

So is that you, Terry?

Yeah.

The chocolate orange man?

Yeah, she's a tenner richer.

Well, you're a fiver richer, boy.

She said she's going to halve the money.

No.

Party time, party time, five pound party time.

Imagine all the things that I can buy with five pounds.

One pound, two pound, three pound, four pound, five pound, five pound, five pound party time.

That's a fun party.

I'm going to come to that one.

So Charlotte from Catford, you have said that you've got £10.

That's a bet riding on it.

She says she'll halve the money.

You have to halve the money now, right?

Because you don't like people that Welsh on bets and things like that.

I hate.

Well, no, I don't.

You hate the Welsh is what you're going to say.

No, I was not going to say that.

I am Welsh.

You are Welsh.

That's right.

Rodriguez.

That's why I'm called Cornish.

That's my Welsh accent.

So are you going to make her give you the money?

I'm going to make her give me the money.

I mean, even though that's grotesquely unfair.

I'm going to make you give me the money.

You're a professional.

You don't necessarily need five pounds from Charlotte and Catford, but still you're going to force her to give it you.

Maybe she should bring it to the studio.

That's a good idea!

Would you be up for that, Charlotte?

And she could count it out into my palm in coins and the audience would be able to hear them.

Or she could buy you something with the five pounds.

What about that?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you want the cash?

I want the cash.

Yeah, we can go and spend it together, maybe.

That's a good idea.

Party time.

Five pound party time.

So get in touch, Charlotte.

Let us know what you want to do.

But one way or the other, we're getting five quid off you.

Here's our tech camera.

See, there used to be a breakfast show called Good Morning Britain, right?

And that came out at around that time.

That's not an Aztec camera record, I remember.

Mick Jones, an Aztec camera, that is.

Is it?

Yeah.

Anyway, listeners, we have overshot our news slot.

So we're going to have to get into the news.

Black Squadron, you can stand down.

And maybe should we play the jingle for them now?

Let's have it.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain

That was Run DMC there.

Listen, I've got an idea for the past.

Like, if there was an award ceremony in the past and Tricky came on to present an award, my idea is you play that song.

Oh.

Yeah, this is like, when was Tricky at his Fame Peak?

Fame Peak, mid-90s?

Well, that's an idea for the mid-90s.

Yeah.

That's a great idea.

Do you think it's worth trying to build a time machine and going back in time just to implement that idea in the past?

Definitely.

Yes, definitely.

That would be a great show, a guy who goes back and just jazzes up award ceremonies.

Yeah.

What would it be called?

The sermoniser.

Yes.

Brilliant.

And Stuart Copeland could do the music.

That'll be awesome.

Your award ceremony lacks sparkle.

I come from the future to give you some ideas.

What a brilliant idea for the past.

Let's put that on Dave.

At some point, wouldn't they?

So, shall we have a bit of retro textination?

Yes, please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

It's all because we've started at 10 today where we're very confused.

Our space, our position in the space time continuum has been disrupted.

No one knows quite what they're doing.

But retro text the nation, of course, is the part of the program where you we read your contributes to last week's contributes contributions.

That's what the kids say.

Yeah.

To last week's text the nation.

Nice contribute guy.

Thanks.

and the theme was amazing parties, the most incredible imaginative ways to make a party really incredible and imaginative.

And we got some superb responses.

For instance, listen to this one.

Dear Adam and Jo, a few weeks ago I went to visit a friend who's at university in Bournemouth.

He whisked me away to a party that some of his course mates were throwing.

The purpose of the party was to watch Das Boot, the original uncut version, which, for those of you that don't know, is the 293-minute original television version of Das Boot.

As it was a house full of model makers, they'd completely kitted out the inside of the house to look like a German U-boat, using cardboard, duct tape, and anything else they could get their hands on.

Wow.

Included was a periscope,

tiny doorways between rooms and an array of pipes labelled in German, the best of which was a schwarzwalde kerstorte, black forest ghetto pipe.

It was a very surreal and enjoyable experience.

and it made me miss my university days.

Six hugs and seven kisses.

Andrew Fensom in London.

Now, the bit of genius there, I think, is to make doors smaller using cardboard.

So presumably you get big sheets of cardboard and then cut a sort of oval-shaped portal in it and stick it over the door.

So everybody has to climb through a little bit.

That's brilliant.

It would get kicked apart a little bit.

By you.

But other people who were able to behave themselves would enjoy the doors.

I don't mean deliberately.

I mean accidentally and stuff.

Oh, there's no drink at the party.

As they know, no drink in the submarine.

And certainly not.

Why are you drinking in the submarine?

Because we have not yet had our engines crippled and sunk to the bottom of the ocean, then we will start to drink when we realize we're going to suffocate and die at the bottom of the ocean in that boot.

Right.

Because they do get up to some fun stuff.

I mean, you could also make it a bit like the Widowmaker K-19.

Yes.

And you could have some nuclear.

Why wouldn't you?

Have some nuclear fun.

There could be a room with a little nuclear reactor in it.

Yes.

Everyone crawls in there and comes out.

That's a good idea.

and comes out puking.

It's what happens at parties anyway.

So instead of the actual nuclear reactor, right, you have a big bowl with some punch that's way too strong.

That's a very good idea.

Everyone has to go in there and try and fix the reactor as it comes out.

I've been poisoned!

I'm dying!

What a party!

That's a brilliant idea for a party.

DAS BOOT!

Very good film as well.

If you haven't seen DAS BOOT, maybe start with the theatrical version, but that's a classic.

Um, here's a message right now from Billy in Glasgow.

Hello Adam and Jo.

I thought I'd share my amazing party idea from earlier this year.

On the September the 9th of this year, brackets 999, my girlfriend and I decided we'd have an emergency themed party to celebrate this unique date.

We made plans for emergency themed decorations and costumes and encouraged any party guests to dress appropriately.

On the day of the party, I excitedly hurried to a joke shop for some props to enhance my amazing and unique idea.

I was shocked and disappointed to find a queue leading out of the shop and down the street full of other people who quite obviously stole my idea!

We had the party anyway, it was wicked.

We've planned a few... Hang on a second, what?

Other people had the same idea?

Everyone was having an emergency party.

Were they?

Yeah, on 999.

Well, you're not having one.

I don't know, it's really?

You didn't see the date, 999, and think, this is a good day for an emergency party!

Come to my emergency party, pom pom!

I feel like I'm in the minority though.

Yeah.

Did you?

Sure I did.

Sure you did.

Everybody did.

There were big queues outside.

You know what I did?

Outside what shops?

I hurt myself so I could go to the hospital for an emergency party.

They frowned on it.

I was poo-pooed by the staff of the hospital and asked to go home.

But still I had a go.

He says also, we've planned a few years in advance too.

On the 10th of the 10th of the 10th we're having a binary party.

10101.

That's more like it.

Futuristic theme where everyone dresses as robots.

On 11 11 11 we're having a prison party because the date looks like bars, all those ones.

On the 12th of the 12th of the 12th we're all going to be roadies or something.

I don't understand why he would be anyway.

Thanks for that Billy and Glasgow.

Do you want another one?

Yeah.

Okay then here is another one.

uh okay there's a good one James McAnally when I was at university in Exeter I was lucky enough to be friends with one particular group who threw the most incredible parties once we were all told to come dressed for the beach we arrived to find a ton of sand covering their hall and kitchen floor what deck chairs spotlights so you could lounge and enjoy the sunshine and deck chairs

In another room, they'd attached a tarpaul into the walls and created an indoor swimming pool.

Shut your mouth.

They had also built a water slide.

The slide was covered in plastic sheeting and attached to a powerful pump to get that genuine water flow going.

Hey, hey, hey.

It was accessed via a step ladder and went from the first floor bedroom window out into the garden before banking round and coming back into the house through some French windows and into the pool.

It was huge.

That is just not true.

Well, what is not true about it?

All of it.

It's fantasy.

It's the kind of insane fantasy I used to have as a five-year-old.

Students.

They're students.

Students do anything.

Do they?

They could do that.

You could put a top all in up in a room.

That's a good idea.

Fasten it to the walls.

Turn on the taps.

Bish, bash, bash.

24 hours later, big pull.

Listen, every fibre of my being wants that to be true.

But I just don't believe that it could be done.

And imagine the cleaning up operation after that house would be totally trash.

student house I'm too practical that's my problem you know what I'm not sure I believe that either James McAnally can that be true surely if they'd had a party like that there would be photographic evidence send us the photos McNally I want to see the proof otherwise you will forever be branded a liar because I by the castle yeah that would be frightful one time we had a party when I was at art school in Cheltenham in our subterranean flat and

A food fight broke out?

A food fight?

A food fight!

That's an 80s one here saying that.

A food fight!

I said it in the 80s.

And there was a massive food fight and so all these cakes and cream cakes and stuff that some of the girls from the fashion department had brought round

all started getting thrown and stuff and everyone was sliding around.

I cranked up the music and it was like a scene from some kind of crazy frat movie.

The next day the place stank of puke and all the kind of off cream and stuff on the walls.

We were scraping that stuff off the walls for weeks.

Scrubbing, scrubbing, scraping.

It was stuff.

And we were all hungover.

It was the worst day of my life.

Sounds like a wicked party.

Yeah.

But thank you to everybody who contributed to Retro Text the Nation.

Don't forget, when we announce this week's Text the Nation subject, you too can partake during the week and your contribution might be read out next week on Retro Text the Nation.

And if that makes sense...

then good.

Partake, partake, partake.

Let's have a partake.

That's the root of the word party.

Yeah.

But it's from the word partake.

Partake.

Yeah.

Partake.

Just the cah fell off.

Here's depression mode.

They're talking about fragile tension.

That's Depresh Mode with their new one, Fragile Tension.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

And don't forget we've started at an earlier time of 10am today, listeners.

If you're confused or something feels a bit off, that's why.

But it does mean we're going through till one in the afternoon.

Yay!

We're pushing through the noon barrier.

Is that going to change the tone of the last hour?

Are you allowed to say pushing through the noon barrier?

You're allowed to say it, it's not allowed to do it.

I'm not allowed to think about it.

Listen, darling, did you just push through the noon barrier?

You are disgusting.

You disgust me.

Are you going to be eating your lunch in the studio later on?

Don't go from pushing through the noon barrier to eating lunch.

What kind of a segue is that?

I'm interested vaulting.

What's the questions after you've pushed through the noon barrier?

Well, I'd be having something to eat.

Do you have your lunch?

In some lunch.

No, I ain't bought in no lunch.

I got some I got some In future you should bring in Tupperware and stuff have yourself a little packed lunch.

Should I do you think get out some Bakewell tarts and a little bit of there's someone at my work

place who comes into the office every day with a Tupperware lunch.

He's a very good chap, location manager called Josh.

He separates his citrus fruits into separate compartments within the Tupperware box.

So it's a triple compartmented box.

It'll have grapes in one compartment, pineapple in another.

Very nice.

An orange and another.

In the middle of a meeting he will quietly get this Tupperware pot out, place it on the table, open it and start picking with thumb and forefinger bits of fruit out of different compartments.

I get very jealous.

Do you?

Does he never offer you any?

He always, he sees me looking and then he always offers the fruit but I can't, I don't want to take his fruit.

No, of course not.

No.

Has it occurred to you that maybe you could invest in some Tupperware and bring in your own fruit?

Do you think it's important to separate the citrus fruits?

Yes!

So they don't?

Yes!

Otherwise you get a salad.

What's wrong with a fruit salad?

That's a different thing.

Why is he so against a salad?

Because he doesn't want a salad.

Why does he want fruit separation in that way?

He wants to enjoy the uni-organised flavour of each of the fruits without it being looted by some other fruit.

He doesn't want fruit bleed.

That's not what the scheme is.

He wants an individual fruit experience.

Clearly.

But I can just see it in his eye.

Yeah.

I mean, it makes him a different kind of man.

I like him.

The fruit is compartmentalised, don't you think?

I like him as well.

I really like him.

Drives like a maniac.

Does he?

He does, yeah.

You are a bit of an old woman in a car, though, when other people are driving.

Well, you're getting Josh's car.

Have you ever driven with our friend Danny?

Yeah, I have.

He multitasks while he's driving.

He's terrifying.

Anyway, yeah, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's time for a free play.

This is a hip-hop band from the past.

This is from an album called Bizarre Ride to the Far Side released in 1992.

This is The Far Side with the Pass and Me By.

Six Music.

Later today, songs with girls shouting with Jimmy Wingwong.

Then at midnight, DJ Scratch Max.

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

But now, oh, it's Adam and Jo.

We've run out of honey.

Lovely Sarah Cracknell there with Saint Etienne.

You're in a bad way, that was.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

We were talking about tummy rumbles and stomach noises either last week or the week before.

And we were complaining about the fact that we never have the presence of mind to record them.

You know, obviously it's difficult to do so.

What are you chuckling about?

Just that being something to complain about.

Yeah.

Why do I never have the presence of mind to record my tummy noises?

That's the kind of thing I worry about.

I lie awake at night thinking about that kind of stuff.

If only I could record my tummy rumbles.

I'd be somebody.

I'd get somewhere.

My life would come together instead of just being a little fat hairy loser man.

But here is a message right now from someone who is a success in their life and it's Nathan.

He says, Hi Adam and Joseph.

About a year ago, me and my friends put together a CD of found sounds and field recordings called Happened Upon with a Microphone.

For about four days in a row, my wife's stomach had been making these crazy noises every morning in bed when we woke up and I just had to record it for the CD.

Also recorded is us laughing our heads off as we did on each of these mornings

whilst mesmerised by the sounds.

It's very heartwarming and tender for me to listen back to it," he says.

I hope you like it, too.

Listen, listen, listen.

I tried to listen to these last night.

I didn't get more than three or four seconds into it before I had to switch it off.

He sent us a very long section of rumbling that sounded almost like digital interference.

But it's a very intimate noise.

It really is.

I mean, it sounds like it was too intimate for me.

Sure.

He's obviously got the mic right there on his wife's belly.

It's almost like an ultrasound.

I mean, it's well through the noon barrier and out the other side.

Have a listen, though.

I think it is heartwarming.

I've clipped it.

So it's just a little bit of this.

He says, PS, there's no copyright or anything on this.

It's free to use anywhere.

You know, listeners are already revolted by boggins.

Come on.

This is not a revolt.

Just give it a listen.

Go on.

And don't take your headphones off.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

that's sweet with the with the with the lady voice yeah that's good they're quite modest aren't they yeah thank you Nathan Angela that was Angela's stomach there that must be nice to have your stomach on the radio know what I think I mean there's been changes at six music recently new presenters what about having Angela's stomach do a show

Yes, before George Lamb or during George Lamb.

Maybe over some of George Lamb's.

Right, let's get Angela's stomach in.

Come on Angela's stomach.

Angela's stomach jingle, bing bong.

Give it a bing bong for Angela's stomach, come on.

And then a record.

That would be nice.

What kind of, she could play records like obscure electronica and stuff on the warp label and things, squelches and boops.

Exactly, you wouldn't be able to tell.

That's a good idea.

We should really be running this station.

Shouldn't we?

Into the ground.

Exactly.

Hey, thank you so much, Nathan and Angela.

What is it, incidentally, from a medical point of view that causes those sounds?

Food.

It's food, but gases and things pipping and popping inside your intestines.

From a medical point of view, that is exactly what's causing it, Dr. Buckles.

Yeah.

The pipping and popping of the squirtles.

Yeah, well done.

You remembered all your medical training.

Squirtles.

All your terminology.

Thank you!

Thanks to Nathan and Angela once again.

Hey, it's nearly Christmas time.

I don't know if you're new folks, but it's coming up round the corner.

It's a time of year where there's a great deal of peace and happiness and goodwill to all men.

If you're involved with a war, you have to put your guns down and play football.

If you're a nasty person, you have to learn some kind of lesson and change your ways.

And you have to give everybody exactly what they want, present-wise, especially children who've been watching commercials all year.

You know have a long list of things they want you have to give it all them Otherwise you're gonna be in trouble and Julian Casablanca's from the strokes has celebrated all this by Issuing this single which is called.

I wish it was Christmas today

I mean, he seems upbeat about Christmas, but I just don't believe that Julian Casablancas would generally... He's very cynical and cool, isn't he?

He's not going to want, like, manufactured celebrations.

He's probably going to do something.

His Christmas tree's probably upside down and in the loom.

You know, he would sit there with his tatty sneakers on Santa's face, is what he'd do.

Yeah, because he's got no respect.

Because he's got no respect.

Exactly.

You got me a carton of cigarettes?

Great.

That's what I wanted.

I'm going to smoke them in your face.

Happy Christmas.

Disgusting.

You suck.

It's disgusting.

That's the kind of Christmas he's going to be having.

Is he saying you suck?

Is he saying to Santa you... Santa is a suck.

Exactly.

As opposed to you suck, you suck.

Yeah, he's using it as a noun.

That's how little he cares and how little respect he has for Santa.

He shouldn't be played on the radio, really, should he?

Because he's really subversive and lazy and rude and casual.

All that whole thing is just totally ironical.

I wish it was Christmas today.

It's not!

You suck!

I'm gonna smoke in your face.

That's why he's gonna- He shouldn't be allowed anyway in the end, Christmas.

Can you smell my sneakers?

Can you smell my tatty sneakers?

Good!

Because they're tatty and I've been wandering around with them for weeks and I can't be bothered to change them.

I'm not even wearing underwear.

He's wicked.

You know?

And look, my shirt is untucked.

What are you gonna do about it, you old man?

My hair is dirty.

I like it.

I've got spots and pimples.

Deal with it.

I'm going to smoke another cigarette in your face.

Well, I'm glad he's not coming round to my house for Christmas.

That's a part of the course at the Buckles house.

Is it?

Yeah.

Casablanca coming round.

Casablanca.

Everyone behaves like that at the Buckles house.

I call him Casablanca.

I've got a free play for you right now, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a Chanteuse.

Do you like the Chanteuse?

You know, I feel as if I don't play enough music by talented women on this show, because I tend to end up with indie pop by white males.

That's just where I gravitate.

So I'm trying to spread my legs and play a track by a lady called Mara Carlyle.

She's like a little kind of Chanteuse pixie and she plays

The ukulele.

It's all sounding terribly promising.

You're going to open your legs and attempt to play a song by a tiny pixie.

Yeah, with a ukulele.

With a ukulele.

You ready?

This is going to be a sexy few minutes and smoother than this programme might normally be.

You know what I'm saying?

So imagine you're in a dimly lit lounge with some kind of a cocktail, a fruity cocktail, and you've spread your legs and you've got your ukulele, Tim Allen's in the room, and here's Mara Carlisle.

This is called Away With These Self-Loving Lads.

versus Simeon with We Are Your Friends.

I was in the supermarket earlier this week, Joe, and doing a little bit of shopping, and I decided in a sudden whirlwind of craziness to nip next door and go to the electronics shop and buy myself a Blu-ray player.

You fool.

Because I want to get with the Blu-ray, right?

Because DVDs, they're going to be extinct in when?

When do you think they're going to stop making the DVD players there next week?

Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.

You know, those things are almost totally extinct.

The nice thing about the Blu-ray player is that you'll be able to play your DVDs on them, right?

Correct.

And it'll scale it up to faux HD or whatever it is.

So it's win-win with the Blu-ray.

Yeah, there's no downside to it, is there?

There is, yeah.

It's region-locked.

Region-locked?

Yeah.

So if you were a movie buff of Worth Your Salt, you would have had a multi-region DVD player and you could have had fun importing DVDs from all over the world, broadened your cinematic horizons.

The people at Sony who invented Blu-ray decided to put a stop to that.

Oh, not again.

They do this every single time.

But luckily you can get the machines hacked.

Yeah, of course, it was the same with DVD players when they came out.

But they're much slower, they've kind of figured it out, so it's harder to hack.

But I've got one.

Gene Hackman.

Did he sort it out for you?

I've got Gene Hackman, yeah.

Well done.

Went round to the hackles.

Yeah.

And now it's braille skills.

You can go anywhere in the world and buy the high-def fun.

I forgot about the holes.

So just come to uncle Jojo have you you've already bought the thing already bought it wanted to tell you about my experience of buying Okay Let's hear it because I haven't been and bought like I haven't spent a lot of money on a bit of hardware for a while And I went in there to the shop and usually I know if I'm gonna buy some chain stores This was an independent electronics retailer.

No, this is a chain store, right?

So I go in there, there's a little chap with a trendy haircut, and he's a skinny little fella, and he's slightly spotty, but he's sparkly, he's on his game.

Yes, he certainly is.

He's a salesman.

He gets a percentage.

You know he's got to get his targets.

He wasn't clueless, he wasn't one of those guys who'd go into the shop and go,

Yeah, you could get that one.

I like that guy.

Yeah, I think that's a good one.

Yeah.

Do you have you got a plug?

That would be a good one.

It wasn't like that.

No.

He was most sparky and he was like, he was a good salesman.

He has a little white shirt on there.

His pens in the pocket there.

He's got his little earring in there and he's going to sell me whatever he wants to sell me.

After a Blu-ray play, okay, okay, yeah.

Come over here, have a look at this one.

This is a really good one.

Top of the line, if I was going to buy this, this is the one I'd buy.

So immediately I'm thinking, I want to buy it.

That's the one I want to buy.

If it's top of the line, if it's the one that he would want to buy, I'm going to buy it.

So it's like, yeah, okay, I'm interested in that one.

And so, bang, I'm in there already.

So he goes, OK.

And he's obviously thinking to himself, cool, I've got what they call a lay down here.

I think in Salesman Speak, a lay down is someone who's just going to come in and do whatever you need to do.

How do you know that?

Have you been watching Glengarry Glen Rush?

No, I've been reading Malcolm Gladwell books.

Oh, God.

What is it with you and Malcolm Gladwell?

He's brilliant.

Anyway, he talks about lay downs and salesmen know that when they've got a sucker coming in, it's party time.

So I think he saw Buckles coming.

But so far he hasn't pulled any wool over your eyes.

He's selling you a perfectly reasonable... It's a good machine.

I've got Freesat on there and everything.

I'm excited about the Freesat.

Hard disk recorder?

Hard disk recorder, yeah.

I know the very model.

The whole nine yards.

I'm really excited about it.

I'm really excited about recording things in HD.

Can't wait.

So then after that's all done and dusted.

Then he starts going on about all the other things that I could be buying.

And the first one of which is the HDMI cable.

Yes, you need one of those.

They're expensive.

They are expensive, yo.

Well, you should get one with the machine, actually.

It should be supplied with the machine.

Didn't get one with the machine.

Should have got one with the machine.

So you're going to need an HDMI cable.

Right, so come over here.

Have a look at these HDMI cables.

You've got three basic cables that we sell.

We've got the good one, the better one, and the very good one.

So most people would go for the very good one, of course.

So the good one starts at 50 pounds.

50 pounds for the cable the very good one 75 quid the really good one that everyone should get a hundred pounds He said it's already a hundred quid extra on the stuff And I'm thinking and he's go the very good one has a gold wire running down the middle which conducts the picture and Transverse the golden picture the very good one has a bronze wire I think it was that the good one is

doesn't have a wire there's no wire it's just hollow the picture just trickles through and you know it's probably by that one no by the bad one i wouldn't want to buy the compromise by the middling one what kind of jerk of course i should have bought the middling one because can you imagine the difference in by the joke i bought the good course you bought the

I wanted to show him that I was the kind of guy who would buy a really good HDMI cable.

I wanted to impress him.

So after that, he's chuckling to himself, thinking, it's Mr. Laydown.

I'm going to sell him some stuff that he really doesn't need because he's a jerk and I can sell him things because he's a moron.

So he goes, OK, search protection.

So he comes out, there's a whole section with surge protectors.

Do you know what a surge protector is?

Yeah.

It looks like a big plug gang.

You know what I'm saying?

Like an adapter thing.

They're all different colors.

They've got switches all over them.

They've got little BNC cables.

Don't need it.

You didn't buy it, did you?

It's not according to this guy.

Now, and so I said to him, at this point, I'm chuckling and I'm like saying, surge protectors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all about 150 quid.

He's saying, yeah, you really need a surge protector.

I was like, do I?

He said, yeah, especially around this part of the world, East Anglia, a lot of lightning storms, you get a lightning, hits the house, comes down, surge, blow up everything.

Every bit of electrical equipment you've got, blow up your modem, blow up your computer, bloody, you know, if you've got an Xbox, that kind of thing, terrifying scenario.

They're all going to blow up.

And that'll be it.

This is fear mongering.

And I said, really?

At this point, I think, I'm not going to lay down for the for the surge protector.

So I said, I just said to him directly, really, do you actually know anyone who has needed a surge protector or they've had their equipment blown up by tables turned?

And at that point, he looked rattled for the first time.

There was a twitch in his face and he looked down, right?

And he did the tell of looking down and he said, yeah, yeah.

He said, you've been watching the real hustle.

I've watched all the stuff.

I know all the lingo.

He said, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it happened to a mate of mine.

House was hit by lightning, lost all his stuff.

But he looked down because his friend was probably killed.

And you've been very insensitive.

Right.

And if the friend had had a surge protector.

He wouldn't have been killed by Serge.

Now Serge has come into his house and beaten him to death and then sung something in French, meddled with his daughter and left.

Yeah.

In fact, his gravestone is probably shaped like a huge Serge protector.

And I'm poo-pooing the protection that he's offering me.

But I didn't go for the Serge protector.

I felt that was one step too far.

But I'd like to hear from many listeners.

You're living on a knife edge.

Well, exactly.

Your house is on fire probably as we speak.

I've got a family.

Am I being totally irresponsible?

I can't believe it.

I want to hear from any listeners who know if I've made a terrible mistake.

So there you go.

Watch out for the surges.

Here's Joy Division with Shadow Play.

It says HDMI cables, 8 quid from Tesco.

Jeff in Sheffield says, most Blu-rays are region free.

Well, I can test that, Jeff.

For instance, the criterion Blu-ray American editions aren't region free, they're region locked.

If you want to be confident that you can buy any Blu-ray anywhere in the world, you need a multi-region Jeff versus Joe.

I've spent about £50m on blu-rays in the last year.

Sam Innocence says, I read Holmes Cinema Choice magazine.

very nice badly drawn boy there with you all right what i was gonna do the announcing of the song for you because you looked a little confused with your paperwork i was just checking my paperwork it seems to be in order uh that was from badly drawn boy's 2002 album have you fed the fish did you ever have fish

You're more of a cat man.

I did have fish briefly.

They have a habit of dying.

They do, they love to die.

And then the worst thing is when one dies, its body decomposes.

The other one sort of breathes its decomposed body in and then it dies too.

It's a hellish life really though, isn't it?

To be a fish.

Why would you want to be a fish?

Well in a tank, I think in the real world it would be super fun.

You've got your five minute memory there.

Have you not seen Finding Nemo?

I have that's what it is great socially it's great there's a great social scene they have schools of course but they only have the one character there dory who has the limited memory limited memory but she's brills i think most fish are limited in the memory department well i wouldn't make a blanket generalization like that otherwise you might uh incur the wrath of the geniuses fish groups exactly fish protest schools

Boo!

Yes!

Bash!

Wonky!

So, listeners, now it's time for Text the Nation, is it?

Let's try it.

Let's have a jingle.

Text the Nation!

Text!

Text the Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

Text-to-Nation this week, listeners, this is what Joe usually says, is all about things that you have been getting wrong for years and only just realized.

Here's a couple of brief examples.

We're going to keep this set up very short because we want to hear your ideas for Text-to-Nation.

For example, I only just realized this week that I've been misspelling Realize for a very long time.

And it's confusing for me because... Is it an S or a Z thing?

That's true.

Computers try and make... Microsoft Word tries to make you put a Z in all of those words.

And you've got the keyboard set to UK spelling.

Rationalise, it's always Z, isn't it?

Who wants to stick the Z in there?

Why is that?

It's a disgrace!

So it totally polluted my mind for years, pretty much ever since I started using a PC, you know, started thinking, oh dear, I thought it was an S and apparently it is a Z, because there is a red underline, I must correct it.

So now I'm Johnny American spelling of Realize and loads of other things with a S sound that, with a Z sound that should be an S. I spoke to my wife the other day and I said like,

Is it S or a Z with real eyes?

She said, yeah, S, obviously.

And then I went through a whole load of other words.

She said, yeah, S, S, S. I've been getting Z's everywhere.

Just random Z guy.

The other thing was, and this is quite embarrassing.

Thank you.

I always thought was one word.

Well, yeah, I think that's a movable feast.

You reckon?

I mean, officially it's two, isn't it?

Not according to the people I've spoken to.

They said that's not a movable feast.

It's two words, you dork, is what I got.

Who said that to you?

Wife.

Wife?

She laughed.

She laughed at me for a while.

Thank you.

That's one word.

Thank you.

That's what I think, exactly.

Thank you.

That's two words.

Thank you.

That's two words.

Thank you.

I would like to thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thanks is obviously one word.

Thank you.

That's one word.

To me, that sounds like one word.

But no, it's two.

Not even hyphenated.

Like I was thinking maybe it was hyphenated?

No.

It's two words.

So that's quite ignorant, isn't it, listeners?

But I've been getting that wrong for a very, very long time.

And I'd be curious to know if I'm the only moron involved with this program.

I want to hear from you out there about things, and it doesn't have to be like grammatical errors and spelling errors.

I'd like to hear about just any kind of misconception you've had in your life that has only recently been corrected, okay?

That is Texternation this week, and I would like to announce that as the fastest Texternation setup ever in the history of this program.

Do you think that is?

That's exciting.

It's a record breaker!

Where's Norris McWhirter when you need him?

I'm afraid he passed away.

Here's Doves with House of Mirrors.

That's House of Mirrors.

I forgot to say, of course, I was so excited about the short text of the nation setup.

I didn't actually give out the email address or the text number for your submissions.

64046 is the text number.

The email address is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

If you're listening throughout the week on Listen Again or whatever,

then emails only please if you're responding for retro textination about things that you have got wrong all your life and only recently found out about.

Shablamidi, shablamida, shablamidi, shablamida, shablamidi, shablamida.

Do you know what that is?

Sure I do.

What is it?

That is Brian Eno, one of Brian Eno's favourite songs.

He loves the production on a little bit of Donna Summer, right?

Right, exactly.

State of Independence.

Yeah, here's a free play.

This is Donna Summer with State of Independence.

I love this.

The Caveman.

That's Nick Cave with Bring It On, Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

So the salesman I was talking about in the electrical shop that sold me my Blu-ray player was actually listening to the programme.

Well, one of his friends.

One of his friends.

One of his co-workers.

It didn't occur to me that they might know who on earth I was, but he objected to being called Spotty, the salesman.

Actually, he wasn't spotty now, I come to think of it.

It was a lazy kind of bit of characterisation there that I did.

He was a very good looking man.

And one thing I admitted to mention was that I fell in love with him.

Well, now you're just going too far the other way.

Yeah.

And we're living together.

Is that too much?

Yeah, it is.

You know, you should go for the medium price cable rather than the very expensive one or the very cheap one.

Do you know what I'm trying to say?

Well, I hope it came across that the service I received at the shop was absolutely exemplary.

We've had some terrific responses to text the nation.

This is going to be a good one, I feel.

Oh yeah, do you reckon?

I printed some out and so they're going to be coming up in a second.

But first of all, let's talk about something that might

anger some people.

It's a divisive subject.

There's this dog that hangs around the BBC and comes into our studio.

You might have heard him in previous programmes and his very presence really annoys a lot of listeners in a very fundamental way.

Other listeners get annoyed that those listeners are annoyed.

He's a very licky dog and that's the thing.

He comes up to the microphone and he pants and he licks.

And to hear that kind of licking in your ear hole sometimes is unwelcome for a lot of people.

Well, I'm very old, but terribly old and sweet.

He has an anal gland-based problem, which causes him to drag his bottom across the carpet sometimes.

And he will eat other dogs' feces.

But apart from that, he's really, really sweet.

He's very sweet, but he hasn't been around for a while.

His name is Boggins.

He did come into the programme and he's caused frightful controversy and

Half of our listeners, and we get almost as much mail about boggins as we do about anything else on this programme, and half the mail, it's divided pretty much equally between people that want to see the dog killed, not humanely but brutally, and the other half of the listeners who think he's sweet.

The dog's fictional, we should have.

He's a fictional dog, not a real dog, right?

But still, it doesn't bother our listeners because he is an absolutely sweet chap.

But then some listeners have stopped listening to the programme because they think enough is enough and they don't want to listen to a show with like a fictional dog that licks your ear hole who stinks, even if he's sweet.

A listener called Ollie Moss.

has created two posters.

They're beautifully designed, very simple, very striking.

One simply declares save boggins with two red crossed bones, a little like the red cross.

And the other says, and that's red on white, the other is white on red, and it says kill boggins with the same cross design but at an angle so it becomes an X. It is an absolutely brilliant piece of design from James Olimos.

And if you visit our blog,

which can be found at the internet address that I'm about to read you.

It is bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash Adam and Jo.

You don't say forward slash anymore, right?

Ah, just a slash.

Redundance, just a slash.

Have a slash.

Have a little slash.

Then you can, if you go to that address, you can download both of those posters and if it's your one, you can declare your affection or fury towards boggins in your homework.

I mean, I don't know who would want to do that.

David Bowie David David He's printing out both the posters and trying to make a decision I hung them in my window I couldn't decide if I wanted to kill him or let it slide What do you think David's stance on Boggins would be?

Bowie's Boggins stance

David Boggins?

Is he not very empathetic and pro-animals?

Yeah, what about fiction animals that stink?

And have anal problems.

Very sweet.

Yeah, I think he would like it.

I don't know.

I think he'd be divided.

And he'd do a concept album.

Right.

One side pro-Boggins, the other side anti-Boggins.

Yes.

Imagine a new website and a video game and probably a film made by his son, Diamond Stinky Dogs.

It would be Brill skills.

It would be absolutely amazing.

I mean, that's certainly the way for him to go, isn't it?

I mean, like, I'm pretty certain.

He could do a little spoken intro.

Yes.

Like Future Legend at the beginning of Diamond Dogs.

Yes.

And in the death, as the last few corpses lay rotting in Temperance Alley, Incrawled a small, stinky man who had a problem with his anal glands, he was dragging his buttermilk grass on the floor.

I mean, that's a wide open door for Bowie to return to the centre of the contemporary zeitgeist.

All he needs to do is step through it.

I mean, return.

Well, he's obviously a deity.

He's never left.

He's an extraordinary presence, but he could be at the top of all the charts.

If he's lucky, they might even have him as a guest on X Factor.

Get on the blog, yo.

Check it all out.

Hang these posters in your window.

We can really start something here, folks.

Also, you might be able to find some of the songs that people have been sending in to some of our ludicrous improvised singing every now and again.

Have we got one there?

Oh yeah, that's a piece of paper over there.

Adam's put his... I've got it!

Here it is!

Hey Joe man, we've broken through the noon barrier.

Was there a little pop when we pushed through the barrier?

I think there was.

There was definitely, yeah, a sound.

It's so weird.

Here's a message right now from Wesley and he says, here's my remix of Adam's brilliant radio song.

I would say that is stressing it too strongly.

I liked his song more than Joe's, although Joe's was lyrically miles better.

You know, I don't agree with you there Wesley.

What are we talking about?

What songs?

The songs.

The random blurbles.

Exactly.

I mean, it's dignifying to call them songs.

He's from South Africa and he sends his love.

He's our very biggest South African fan.

Here's what he came up with.

Remember.

Squelching

I mean, that's sexy.

There's something sexy about that.

If I was a gangster, I would dance to that in a nightclub.

I mean, the thing about... Well, what we've done is we've provided those so-called vocals in a nude version for you that you can download on our blog and then you can use your production skills.

And they really do throw into sharp contrast people's skills in making something sound really cool, even if it actually sounds awful.

The variety of approaches is delicious.

He says, Wesley, PS, I started out liking boggins.

Now it's all just getting too much.

Kill him.

So and there's a little smiley emoticon underneath there where you can get on the blog and print out your killed boggins poster and hang it in South Africa there.

Although maybe I don't know.

But if you want to have a go at demonstrating your production skills with some really hopeless, you know, some singing that's totally devoid of any value, I would say, then download those valueless bits of singing and show us your chops, show us what you've got, see if you can take them in a different direction.

Whoa, whoa, you're asking to see the listener's chops?

I want to see everyone's chops, put your chops on the table.

Look at that, chops.

Here's Faithless, this is mass distraction.

Whether long-range weapon or suicide bomb a wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction.

Whether you're sorrow is some or BGC1 is information is a weapon of mass destruction.

You could have Caucasian or a poor Asian.

Racism is a weapon of mass destruction.

Whether inflation or globalization.

Fear is a weapon of mass destruction My dad came into my room holding his hat I knew he was leaving He sat on my bed telling me some facts son I have a duty calling on me You and your sister be brave my little soldier

And don't forget all I told you You're the mister of the house now, remember this And when you wake up in the morning, give your mama a kiss Then I had to say goodbye In the morning woke mama with a kiss on each eyelid Even though I'm only a kid, certain things can't be hit Mama grabbed me, held me like I was made to go but left her In her store as untold, but I said Mama, it'll be alright When daddy comes home

Tonight Whether long range weapon or suicide bomb A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction Whether you're solo racing or BBC one This information is a weapon of mass destruction You could have caucasian or rap or asian Racism is a weapon of mass destruction Whether inflation or globalization

Fear is a weapon of mass destruction Whether halibut, an enron, or any one greed Is a weapon of mass destruction We need to find courage, overcome inaction Is a weapon of mass destruction, inaction Is a weapon of mass destruction, inaction Is a weapon of mass destruction

My story stops here Let's be clear This scenario is happening everywhere And you ain't going to Nirvana or Farvana You coming right back here to live out your karma With even more drama than previously Seriously Just how many centuries have we been waiting For someone else to make us free

And we refuse to see The people overseas suffer just like we Bad leadership and ego's unfettered and free To feed on the people they're supposed to lead I don't need for people to pray and wait For the Lord to make it all straight There's only now I do it right Cause I don't want your daddy Leave it home for life

Where the long-range weapon or suicide bomb or wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction.

Whether you're solo waste son or PDC one, this information is a weapon of mass destruction.

You could have Caucasian or Raporacian.

Racism is a weapon of mass destruction.

Where the inflation or globalization.

Fear is a weapon of mass destruction.

Where the halibut can end run or anyone green.

is a weapon of mass destruction we need to find courage overcome inaction is a weapon of mass destruction inaction is a weapon of mass destruction inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

That was Faithless with mass destruction from 2004.

He's a skinny man, that guy.

It's his name, Maxie Jazz, the wrapping man there.

Here's a picture of him here, opposite Sister Bliss, and she's fully clothed, but Maxie Jazz appears to be fully naked.

And he is like a little kind of Skeletor looking chap.

He looks like the guy in the wire, if you're a wire fan.

Cedric, he looks like... It might be an old photo.

You never know.

Recently, he might have ballooned.

Absolute tubulatron.

You've ballooned.

Look at you.

You've absolutely ballooned.

So we're going to do some text the nation here, right?

Sure we are.

So we have the jingle.

Hit it.

Text the nation!

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email, is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

What's it all about then, Adam?

What's it all about?

It's about misconceptions, things you've got wrong for most of your life and only recently discovered that you had been doing that so wrong.

Yes, case in point, Poppy in Muswell Hill.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

For many years, I thought that the expression pre-Madonna was actually pre-Madonna, using Madonna's chart success as a benchmark to compare all other female singers to.

I recently had this pointed out by my dad.

Felt a little bit silly.

Poppy in Muswell Hill, Muswell.

Muswell.

Muswell, that's what they do.

Yeah, that's one I do, you see.

I told you I've got loads of them.

But you'll see Muswell.

But you'll see expectations that you're quite proud of, like saying Kate Beckinsdale.

That's just my approach to life in general.

Kate Beckinsdale.

So try and be happy.

with one's flaws.

Quite right.

This one's from Joe in Bow.

It wasn't until recently I realised that a piece of cake was called a sliver and not a slither.

Apparently everyone else knows it apart from me.

A sliver, not a slither.

Slither is something a snake would do.

Yes, exactly.

It is confusing though.

I remember when that Sharon Stone film came out.

It took me a while to get my brain in gear for that.

The Sharon Stone film Slither.

I was excited about the prospect of stone slithering.

I wanted to see some because you can imagine.

She'll do anything.

And that was around the time in her career where she was slithering all over the place.

And when it turned out to be just she lived in a thin building, was it?

I don't think I ever saw it.

Is that the one where the catchphrase was I like to watch?

That's right.

Yeah.

Who was it?

Was it one of the Baldwin's sitting in front of a big bank of tellies?

That's right.

Yeah.

He just wired up the whole place with CCC.

So we could watch Sharon taking showers.

Sharon enough.

Here's one from Dillian Plymouth.

I used to think on Halloween that when you knocked at people's door, you'd say, trickle treats.

Trickle treats.

Instead of trickle treat.

Well, they answered.

This made perfect sense, as I'd only get a handful of sweets from each person.

She spells sweets sweats.

So her problems aren't over.

I'd only get a handful of sweats from each person that answered.

A little trickle of sweat.

Yeah.

Trickle treats.

A little wee in the garden.

Guy just pushes his armpit up to the mailbox there and sort of scrapes a little bit of perspiration off into her bag.

Frances and Brighton has a problem.

I thought till very recently that the word chimney was chimley.

Chim-lee!

And was always very confused in the Mary Poppins song.

Now, instead of saying word, she says work.

I thought till very recently that the work chimney was chim-lee.

So there's a multiplicity of problems there in Francis's brain.

Chim chim-lee, chim chim-lee, chim chim-lee.

Clean the chim-lee.

These are all quite sweet though.

They are.

Tim and Dorset, Adam and Jo.

I've worked in a cafe on my summer holidays from uni.

And since I graduated... Come along.

Here we go.

I'll try this again.

I've worked in a cafe on my summer holidays from uni, and since I graduated, so about a year overall.

There's an emerging theme with these, isn't there?

I mean, not only is there the problem, but there are often other problems around the problem.

It's not an isolated form.

It's a grouping of incidents.

It's problem spotting.

I only just realised it's an espresso, not an espresso.

Well, you see, that is a bone of contention.

Is it?

Is that debatable?

Because I myself have used espresso in a formal context.

Espresso.

Some people say you can spell it with an X, other people say you have to... Well, the same can be said of realising, using Zs.

I don't know if it's the same sort of thing.

I don't know if it's an American, UK, US design.

Well, sometimes there's no hard and fast rule.

Language is a very evolution.

You know, it changes a lot.

Does it?

Dave in Crofton Park.

Apparently it's Chutney, not Chupney.

Says Dave.

Llama.

Oh, we know Llama.

She's an old friend of the show.

I've been saying it.

Scalextrix for about 15 years.

I only recently found out that it's Scalextrix.

The first one's so much easier to say.

Scalextrix just gets stuck in your mouth.

I can't be alone on this one.

Absolutely not.

I had the same problem.

I was setting up the track only last week and I wrote about it in my diary and I had to go and spell check it on the internet because it started scrambling my brain and the internal

Do you spell checked it before you wrote it in your diary?

Yeah.

Because you're worried about spelling mistakes in your diary.

I don't want to badly spell diary.

For when the publishers... Exactly, come a-knocking.

...come a-knocking and it gets published and... This guy can't spell scale extra.

We're not going to publish his diary.

But spelling mistakes like that will be very endearing in your published diary.

No, I want people to be overwhelmed by my spelling prowess.

Okay.

Here's a final one for this segment from Nicola.

Hi Adam and Jo, my boyfriend recently asked me how many cloves of garlic I wanted chopping for a recipe we were making.

How many cloves?

He's got through that many years thinking it's cloves.

I wasn't sure I'd heard correctly, but he had indeed said cloves and wasn't impressed when I burst out laughing at him.

These are good.

Keep them coming in.

What's the text number, Adam?

64046.

What is the email?

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Spank you.

Spank you very much.

Here is the School of Seven Bells with Half Asleep.

This is the alternative version.

Nice long ambient exit there.

Excuse me, just clearing my throat.

Adam and Jo here.

We've bust through the noon barrier.

It's coming up to 20 past 12.

A little time check there for you.

We don't usually do that on this show, but we do today.

We started an hour later.

Everything's totally different, different kind of show, topical show, news show.

We're going to talk about the things that matter.

No, we're not.

Later on today, listeners, I'm going to speak to you there without my headphones on.

Oh yeah.

It just felt like, it just felt for a moment as you were a random nutter talking rubbish in the corner of the room.

Yeah.

So what's new?

That's my point.

Please say a shout.

Later on today at five o'clock I'm going to be interviewing Spike Jones, the film director, not the creator of Enjoyable.

He must be very nervous right now.

I imagine he's very nervous.

He's been tearing the big buckles interview for this for a long time.

It's the big interview, the big interview, the big overview.

And it's going to be taking place.

It's quite a peak for a performer, isn't it?

When they are when you get the call.

Yeah, for a Count Bocchioli's call of the buckles.

It's taking place at the Apple Store in Regent Street.

And exactly five o'clock, I'm going to be there talking to Spickel's Buckles.

That's what I call him.

That's what I'm going to be calling him when I see him there.

Spiker, I might call him.

Spocky Lees.

Dr. Spock.

The Jonesman.

The Jonesinator.

Anything else I should call him?

No.

I think he'll like all those names.

He will.

He's a very convivial chap.

I'm going to be talking to him, obviously, about his film Where the Wild Things Are, and I saw that last night, enjoyed it greatly.

It's not going to be a completely formal interview.

In fact, it might be a little bit stupid.

What?

He's doing an interview at the BFI, doing a Q&A after a screening of his film.

You were going to do that, though, weren't you?

I was, but they got some slightly more heavy weight.

Who have they got to do it?

I don't know, a journalist of some kind.

A journalist?

So there's going to be a more in-depth Q&A with Spike at the BFI afterwards.

Yours is a shallower one.

Mine is much more shallow.

Scraping the surface.

He doesn't know this yet, but I'm going to be giving him, I'm going to be quoting some comments that I've got from you.

Your first question should maybe just be, who are you?

What do you do?

Who are you and what do you do?

What then?

Well, it depends what he says.

What you I have to listen to what is on yeah, and then respond to that.

Yeah, what are your favorites?

Hey, don't specify what?

Because what are your favorites?

Yeah, and what are your worst?

What worst what can I just say that what worse well, you can just say faves faves Spicles faves Then he comes back.

Yes

Then you go, what are your worsties?

What's your worsties?

Okay, you answered that.

Now.

Spocky, don't spock.

Jedwood.

What are your worsties?

Jedwood.

That's the next one.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh.

Jedwood.

And you don't think I should talk about the film?

Well, what film?

The Wild Things.

Oh, that's what he's done.

Um, I wouldn't.

Everyone else will be talking to him about that tea.

What would Jedwood make of the wild things?

Or if they were wild things, what wild things would they be?

That's a good question, that's a good question.

This is all going to be happening at five o'clock at the Apple Store in Regent Street.

You can check their website for details, and it would be very nice to see you there.

Not only Black Squadron, but Lazy Squadron as well, Afternoon Squadron.

Who are you?

What do you do?

Fave?

Worthy?

Bye.

I can't wait.

Who are you?

What do you do?

What's this?

Question mark.

What's this?

So five questions.

That should do it, shouldn't it?

What about this one?

Who do you do?

Who currently do you do?

Who do you do?

That's a good interview.

That's exciting.

And that's free entry.

Anyone who's in London's Oxford Street can just stroll along.

Any nutcase can stroll in off the street.

That's going to be a hot, hot event, isn't it?

Sure it is.

I wonder if I can get spicles to do anything for this show like...

I'm sure you could get Spigles to do something for this show.

I'm sure you could ask his opinion on Boggins.

Right.

Don't contextualize it, just say, Boggins?

You know, well that ties into the wild.

Literally, just say Boggins.

Boggins?

Jedward?

I mean, is that before or after Jedward?

Before.

I'd say it takes priority culturally.

I would have thought he would have heard about Boggins.

If he hasn't, then he might as well take off his pop culture king crown.

Crown of the king.

Karen knows.

He would have been talking all about Boggins.

He's going to do a whole Boggins album, Karen, probably.

Some pots and pans, a couple of wooden spoons.

They're shouting.

Sorted.

Here's a free play for you now, listeners.

Now, Joe, do you remember going to Guy Gaddney's party on the coach that he laid on years back?

I do, yeah.

It was amazing.

It was a school party and he hired a coach, took us all from London to his parents' house.

Yeah.

And we got drunk and smashed it up.

got back on the coach and went home.

That's not true.

We behaved very well.

That's a little bit true, isn't it?

But we had a couple of vloggers on the bus, I think, going up there, because we were excited.

And we had the stereo one.

And do you remember we were playing this song, this Brian Ferry song, These Foolish Things?

And we were acting it all out with, we were sort of miming along to all the lyrics on here.

It was fun, man.

It was one of my fun childhood memories.

And this brings it all back.

Brian Ferry doing these foolish things.

It's Brian Ferri, with his wavy voice, like D'Avenger Bernhardt.

That was these foolish things.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

We're here with you until one o'clock today of course listeners because we started an hour later.

After us will be Liz Kershaw in her usual slot.

No, it's not.

I mean, it's an hour later, so it's an unusual slot.

But the slot will still be there.

You're fired.

Thank you very much.

I'll get my coach.

And then later on in the afternoon, at three o'clock, Richard Bacon will be joining the Six Music family.

We might even get Richard Bacon in later on.

And my idea was to sit him between myself and Joe, ask him quick fire questions, and then it would be a grilled bacon sandwich.

And I don't think that's ever been done before, but Joe disagrees strongly.

Anyway it's time for the news now.

Kaiser Chiefs.

They've commanded campaigns.

You should really get to know about them now that you're starting your show here on Six Music because the kids love them and the kids listen to this show and if you don't say the right things to the kids you'll be kicked out.

Well I'm concerned and this is BBC Radio Six Music.

It's actually got the word music in its title.

You're ready man, you've spotted that so you're ready.

Well, I'm not ready, but I've got until three to really get up to speed with music.

Yeah.

Your first show today on Six Music, that's exciting.

What we've done is we've stuck you between myself and Joe.

Here we go.

Adam's been really building up to this joke.

Are you ready?

He's so pleased with this joke.

I think this is never even done.

Before you do the joke, I assume every single tedious pun about your name was made within the first two weeks of your broadcasting career.

So let's see whether you've ever had this one.

Bucullis thinks this is an absolute original fresh out of the oven gem.

I think I can see where this is going, but what I'm not going to do is pre-end the punchline because it would ruin it.

I'm not walking all over his joke.

Scribble it down and fold it up.

Don't let Buck Bucky Lee see.

Okay, hang on.

Mr. Dr. Bacon is writing down what joke he thinks Adam is going to make.

He's folding it up now with his prediction.

This is sort of like a Darren Brown link.

But instead of being psychic, Adam's just amazingly obvious.

It's sort of really simplified psychicness.

Do you want to see what I've written down?

We're going to ask you some quick fire questions.

This has never been done before!

Right, here we go.

Richard Bacon.

Hi.

What time does your show start today?

Three o'clock.

How long does it last?

Two hours.

How old are you?

Thirty-four.

Are you having a good time?

Yes.

Are you currently on the radio with another programme?

Yes.

What station?

Five Live.

Do you love the BBC?

Yes.

Have you read the pledges on the back of your card?

No.

You should.

Okay.

So, that was quick five questions, right?

We were grilling you like a grilled bacon sandwich!

What's he written on the piece of paper?

I just put bacon sandwich.

Did you see?

He didn't get grilled bacon sandwich!

Is that new, Richard?

No, no one's done the grilled bacon sandwich.

That's amazing.

I thought, I thought most of the puns revolving around my meat-based surname had been done by the age of nine.

Not the grilled bacon sandwich.

Turns out it's taken till 34 for someone to come up with grilled bacon sandwich.

And do you know what I wanted to do but they wouldn't let me?

I wanted to get a nude woman in to wrap her chest around your head so it would be a bacon bap.

I was not allowed.

No.

By the BBC.

Protecting, safeguarding trust or whatever.

Do you ever get that sense that a man's really found his niche?

Do you know what I mean in the world?

The, uh, the bacon back, by the way, has been done.

Has it?

Yeah.

Seriously.

I don't want to break your heart.

With all the trimmings.

I've heard that one.

Adam, this man did like, you've, you've done breakfast radio for how long?

Did you do, you did a breakfast show, right?

Yeah.

For how long?

Uh, I've did two or three years.

Exactly.

Every morning.

For how many hours?

Yeah.

two hours two hours every morning imagine the amount of puns and you're good looking man if you don't mind me saying i know that's a weird thing to say but you are a good looking man and you are Adam has you've got like a little bit of um salt and pepper in the hair there a fleck of grudge is just suiting you very well if i may say

I wanted to tell you about what I'm wearing today, because I've got this jumper on here.

And you can see there's a scarf.

It's very loose, isn't it?

And he's got a scarf.

It's exactly the same knit as the jumper.

Exactly.

It's the same pattern as the jumper.

But here's the thing.

The scarf is attached to the jump.

Get out of here.

Honestly, OK, go on.

I'll do it.

He's a fashion leader.

Look at that.

And so, you know, sometimes.

It's not true so far.

You've got it tangled up with this headphone cord.

But you can pull one if you want.

Adam, you pull one.

Oh, look, it is.

Look, that's extraordinary.

Well, you're doing it wrong.

You can see the webcam.

Wow!

Wrapping it round his face now.

Don't wrap it round his handsome face.

Okay, thank you.

Now that wasn't... That wasn't... It's not the purpose of the invention.

This is great radio, isn't it?

You can undo him now.

Poor guy.

He looks as if he's been captured by Al Kagan.

Listen, it's radio.

It doesn't make any audio difference at all.

Let's waterboard him.

Who's got a bucket of water and a plank?

Now, Richard, we were talking... Oh, no, I was going to tell you the real advantage of the jumper.

Oh, yeah, what is it?

Which is that, you know, do you wear scarves sometimes?

Yes, sometimes.

And you go indoors and you can't work out whether or not you want to take the scarf off.

Well, this invention has removed that indecision.

You can't take it off.

No, I can't take it off, so it makes my day a little bit easier, because I know that I don't have to think about it.

The scarf stays.

Because if you do want to take it off, you're going to look like a raving ponce with these big, long trails coming up.

You look like a sort of a funky monk.

You know what, Richard?

Will you stick around just for a second?

Yes.

Because I want to ask you about your tweeting career.

OK, but we're going to play Florence and the Machine right now.

This is Rabbit Heart.

All right, calm down.

Florence and the Machine there with rabbit heart brackets, raise the top.

And unusually for us, we have a guest in the studio.

We've only ever had two famous people in the studio on this program.

One was Lord Roger Moore.

Lord Sir Roger.

And now it's Lord Richard Bacon.

Hello there.

Hey, how you doing?

And the reason Richard is here is that we're welcoming in Richard to the Six Music Family.

He starts at three o'clock this afternoon.

This very afternoon, thank you.

The family.

It's an abusive family.

You realise, dysfunctional, my princess.

Anything for my princess.

Joe's the non, or my little princess.

I'm the what?

The Six Music Family.

That came out wrong, I didn't mean that.

The Pons.

I'm the part of Familias.

I'm the Ray Winston character.

I want anything for my princess.

I'm the Tony Soprano of the family.

Shut it.

Now, Richard, we were talking before about your tweeting success.

I mean, you love to tweet.

You're on Twitter.

Not only that, but you are.

Am I wrong in saying like the number one most followed person in the UK?

That is true.

Even beyond Stephen Fry, beyond Jonathan Ross.

Wow.

And have you had any of the problems that Stephen Fry has had?

He got a little hurt by a comment the other day and sort of said he was going to retire from the tweet verse.

Yeah, he did.

I occasionally get abuse, but I've kind of been used to that in being a presenter for some time and made the mistake of looking on forums and things.

So, yeah, you get a bit of abuse.

You just have to kind of walk it off.

The reality is I am the most followed, but it's down to a clerical error.

Because I used to bang on about Twitter in the press when I first started using it and Twitter in America were quite pleased about that and so they put me on their suggested user site and there's like a hundred people on the Twitter front page and I'm the only British person on there and it goes John McCain Demi Moore Ashton Kutcher Richard Bacon and so people all around the world follow me and

Most people who follow me aren't in the UK and they have no idea who I am.

So when I look at who's following me, there's people in South Korea and China and quite why they want to read about the fact that I've been to a restaurant and had smoked haddock.

But then once they start responding to you, this is the thing I don't understand about Twitter.

I went on it briefly for two weeks and then got scared and ran away.

Did you?

Yeah.

And I keep thinking about maybe getting back involved with it, because I like the idea of it.

But how do you manage all the comments that you're getting from these millions of people?

Yeah, you do get a lot.

Well, I suppose in the same way that you manage comments that you're getting now on text and email.

Oh, yeah, I don't get millions.

You know, some of them you ignore.

And a lot of them, as I say, are people who are abroad and follow me for no reason and don't comment on what I say.

So I don't really get millions of comments.

But what did pay off last night, because I got invited to Downing Street, 10 Downing Street by Sarah Brown, because I have these followers on Twitter.

I didn't tell her the truth of the matter, which is I don't actually have that many in Britain.

And I went to something called the Downing Tweet Christmas Party.

You what?

are real.

And who was there?

Was Gordon Brown wondering around tweeting?

Yeah, Gordon Brown was there.

Flipping heck, Tucker.

So are they not going to put pressure on you to use your tweet power for political good?

Well, I mean, of course, in the interests of balance, it is probably important that I now get invited to dinner with the Camerons.

And I mean, no need to particularly go for dinner with them.

The BBC are very strict about vetting tweets, though, aren't they?

They're getting stricter and they're gonna start and see why they're gonna check what I write before I put it up there Which will be a little bit strange and a bit difficult But anyways, it's the downing to eat Christmas party, which is a terrible pun for a party name And I was chatting to Sarah Brown at the end and she was banging on about six music presenter So I'll reveal later when I start my show at three which six music presenter Sarah Brown was banging on about whoa How's that for a tea?

Maybe it's Gideon Co.

What do you mean by banging on?

Oh?

Just, just, well, we'll find out later, Joe.

Hmm?

No, I'm guessing.

What are you eating up my material?

Richard, thank you so much for coming in and chatting to us.

She's, no, just keep talking.

Wash your mind out.

Enjoy your show today.

Thank you, Adam.

Welcome to the Six Music.

It's wonderful having you.

I hope you have a wonderful and successful 10 year.

Please don't swear.

Try and hold yourself back.

I know what you're like and try and be uncontroversial and try and keep the racism to a minimum.

OK, fine.

All right.

Those are my top tips.

All right.

Avoid political opinions.

Don't tell people which party to vote for.

Yeah, that kind of thing.

All your sick jokes that you're used to making.

It's not a late night show, Richard.

It's a fun family station, OK?

I got it.

Thank you.

All right.

Here's some music.

This is Neil Young, the Cinnamon Girl.

That's good.

Neil Young with Cinnamon Girl.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's time for a few made up jokes.

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree.

Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party.

So this is the part of the show listeners where we ask you to submit jokes that you've authored yourself So every joke we read the author has claimed that it's their own original work And many authors are now telling us that they themselves have Google checked them.

Yeah, so that's good very strict So hopefully these should be jokes You've never heard before if you have heard them before then it's either a coincidence or we've been lied to here's one from Mike Wheatley He says Sherlock Holmes is wandering around his grounds with Watson.

No, no

No, no.

When they see all but one of the fruit trees have had their fruit stolen by birds.

This is a good one.

Is it?

Yeah.

So you ruined the set up there.

Sherlock Holmes is wandering around his grounds.

Well Sherlock Holmes jokes always have the same punchline.

Doesn't matter!

with Dr Watson when they see all but one of the fruit trees have had their fruit stolen by birds.

The good doctor pondered why the remaining tree hadn't lost its sweet nutritious fruit.

It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.

Cheers, Mike Wheatley.

That's what Sherlock says.

Don't search for it.

It's a lemon tree.

Sherlock.

Come on.

Obviously they're all going to be like elementary puns, but that's good.

That's good.

That's a lemon tree.

You know, Sherlock Holmes there published started being published in 1875.

So we're assuming that over 200, no, 125 years, no one has made that.

But that's a reasonable assumption.

Good, good, good.

Correct.

Here's another one.

What you call a really fun Jovial and jolly person who gives out parking tickets, a terrific warden.

from?

Nial in Huddersfield.

Nial.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah, I like that one.

Here's one from Tom Pegg in Nottingham.

Hello chaps, I made up this joke this morning inspired by the weather forecast.

Which region of England would you describe a man with longer than average?

Sorry.

Hello.

I'll start again.

Edit point.

Which region of England would you use to describe a man with longer than average privates?

East Anglia.

That's quite good.

He says, is this too rubbish?

It's definitely original.

I checked by Googling East Anglia.

He's Danglia.

And it got no results.

Thanks and bye, Tom Pegg.

This one from John Fraser, from Cooper in Fife.

That's in Scotland.

What do posh bees in Kensington do when they build a nest in an unusually tall tree?

They have a high swarming party.

That's good, isn't it?

Sorry if I pronounced your home town wrong there, John Fraser.

Everyone knows I can't pronounce nothing.

Excellent.

Here's my last one.

This is from Andrew.

He says, I remember today that I made up a joke about Motown once.

I wonder if it qualifies as a made up joke.

It goes like this.

It's really cold in Motown.

Do you even know what the maximum temperature is?

No, no, I don't.

What is it?

Three degrees, four tops.

No, that's funny.

I put that one down as well, actually.

Come on, three degrees, four tops.

That's from Andrew.

It's in a John Cleese film.

That Sherlock Holmes joke, so I'm right.

It's a lemon tree?

Yeah, it's from 1977.

The strange case of the end of civilisation as we know it.

Mike, you lied to me, damn you!

But, man, man, I could ded- I could deduce that one, man.

Uh, Joe, have you got one more before we, uh, wrap things up?

Oh, God, no!

Folks, thank you so much for listening this week.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up.

Oh, I have.

Sam from Glasgow.

He says he's 12.

I'm not sure I believe it.

Who's the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

Who replaces him when he's away?

The hip replacement guy.

Could that have been made up by a 12-year-old?

Yes.

It's a tissue of lies.

Tune in next week at 10am.

We'll be back here.

Don't forget to download the podcast on Monday evening.

Download it, mate.

Here's the auteurs.

This is Lenny Valentino.

Bye-bye.