The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (21 November 2009)

Welcome to the Big British Castle.

It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talkie in between.

Not sure I like the insinuations beneath putting that record at the top of our programme.

Why you think they're implying that we are lunatics?

Yes.

Well, it's a Cold War song, though, isn't it?

Yes.

Does that make it better?

Nuclear Threat.

Yeah, it's a little political song because this is a lively, intelligent political debate show.

So it is.

So it is, yes.

Don't forget.

In fact, did you put a post on the Adam and Jo blog?

Yes.

To that end, I need to talk to you about that later.

Oh really, why?

Well, you made an executive decision on behalf of both of us and announced it on the blog, didn't you?

What did I announce?

To do with the dog.

Yeah, what about the dog?

You announced a stance that the programme would take towards the dog.

On the blog.

Oh, I see.

A blog stance.

A bugging stance.

A dog stance blog.

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't consult cornballs.

Well, I thought we were agreed on that.

Well, let's talk about it later.

Alright then.

We don't want to kick off the show with a terrible contre d'en.

It'd be good to kick it off.

Let's make this a really argumentative show.

Shut up!

Shut your mouth, you raving ponce machine.

That's me.

Yeah.

Good morning, listeners.

This is Joe speaking.

Raving ponce machine.

AKA.

This is Adam Buckley's Buxton.

What's mine want to cook?

Nice guy.

Oh, don't.

Good friend.

Don't act like that.

Don't come on.

Rise to the challenge, Ponce Machine.

What kind of a challenge is that?

It's the Ponce Machine Challenge.

It's the greatest challenge of all.

Rude and aggressive.

Yes, that challenge.

Can't do it.

We've got a great show lined up for you listeners.

Do we?

Full of mystery.

Things that even we don't know about.

A mystery program.

That's true.

Actually, no, we've got a lot, man.

We've got a lot to pack in these days.

You know, we get so many emails.

We've got a lot of features.

We've got a load of people responding to the phonetics thing that you were talking about last week.

We've got some good sentences that you can say and make yourself instantly sound as if you are the master of accents.

It's going to be like children in need without the charitable aspect.

Exactly.

Right.

Sort of excruciating, you mean.

Well, if you took away the charitable aspect.

Yeah, yeah, excruciatingly.

I mean, the charitable aspect helps lift the excrutiatism.

Yeah, excruciatingly.

And we should do some made up jokes.

We haven't done that for ages.

Yeah, for two weeks.

That is ages.

It is ages.

It's been more than two weeks, isn't it?

Maybe it has been.

Yeah, because we were away the week before that.

Wow.

It's been almost a month.

Well, I've got loads in my arsenal.

Yeah.

Okay, listen, let's play some music, though, and I can chat to Joe about the bogging situation, get that sorted out.

This is Mumford and Sons with Winter Winds.

That was Mumford and Sons with Winter Winds.

They're working the Mariachi angle, as our producer James is pointing out.

That seems to be the sound du jour, you know, a lot of brass and kind of fiesta feel.

What is Mumford and Sons?

Was it an old sitcom?

It sounds like it, doesn't it?

But no, they're totally... that's a new creation.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

They haven't taken that name from anywhere.

I'm pretty sure they have.

Have you?

I mean, it definitely has the sound of something sepia-tainted.

Oh, you're doing a Google right in the middle of the studio.

Not yet.

I'm going to do a Google.

Disgusting.

So Joe's obsessing about stats there while we were playing that song.

Well, the statistical aspects of our black squadron are very important to me.

How else can High Command monitor the precise volume and tactical strength of the squadron?

Why are you laughing?

Just laughing at your obsession with stats.

Yeah, it's funny, isn't it?

But it won't be so funny when Black Squadron bring you down very suddenly from out of the shadows.

Why are they bringing me down?

Because you're laughing at them.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, Black Squadron take themselves and their duties very seriously.

Right, Black Squadron?

Yeah, I could hear that.

They agreed.

It did.

So I actually could see the manic look in Joe's eyes.

Absolutely

I'm not threatening your stat supremacy.

Listen, last week's Black Squadron Command, which was felt pen tattoo, had 134 responses.

129 were published on our blog.

And remember, if you do respond to the Black Squadron Command with a photo, by sending it in, you agree to have it displayed on the blog.

And so there were five pictures that could not be displayed on the blog.

For taste and decency reasons.

For taste and decency reasons, yeah.

Yeah.

Might have a look at those later.

Special focus on those.

So that's pretty good, isn't it?

That's a response of 134 members.

That's a good, a very good squadron.

Very good, yeah.

Don't you think?

Excellent squadron.

Do you know what I think we should do?

We should do some square bashing in just off Burgcage Walk.

What, hurting square people?

We could do that as well afterwards.

Yeah, just running through central London, bashing square people.

It's marching, you know.

It's what military units do.

Are you in the army?

You know a lot of all this stuff.

It's a fairly well-known phrase.

Square bashing.

I've got family in the British military.

Right, right.

uh yeah but they we could do some of that you black squadron would look magnificent don't you think dressed up in all their finer ranks with their toast and bacon bracelets with their toast in their pocket basically they've just got toast around their problem biscuits yeah egg and mouth with their pan hats the tourists would stop to take photos of that don't you think yes with their standing there with their pants in the street it should be televised by the bbc on a sunday afternoon don't you think get james made to host it the queen should give a speech people should lay wreaths

Why doesn't the queen, you know, I would have more respect for the queen if she did her queen speech with her.

And no one could have more respect for the queen than you.

Well, that's true.

Already.

No, I like the queen.

I'm pro queen, right?

All aspects of queen.

Love it.

But I would have more respect for queen if she did her queen speech with an egg in the mouth and with the bacon bracelet and with some toast peeping out of the corner of her little pocket.

It's going to happen.

And with her pants, just her pants on in the street.

It's our democratic right.

Is that controversial to say that about the Queen?

What have you said?

That she should do the Queen's speech with just her pants on in the street with an egg in her mouth and toast coming out of her pants.

Not at all.

I think it's very acceptable.

That's not disrespectful, strictly speaking, is it?

No, it's not.

It's definitely not.

Should we dwell on it?

No, we should move on because it's absolutely not disrespectful.

So we've got a new Black Squadron command coming up.

Remember, photos are charged.

If you send a photo, it was charged at the usual rate.

You've got to say this stuff, right?

I didn't do it so well this week.

Our producer James has never actually asked us to do it.

Joe's sort of taken it upon himself.

He asks me, he doesn't burden you with that kind of functionality.

He knows that my brain is too small.

So have I said everything that needs to be said?

Yeah, okay.

So, yeah, we're going to issue a command and remember, if you are a Black Squad member, it means you listen live between 9 and 9.30am to this programme.

We're going to give you a couple of words as a command.

You have to take a photo that adheres to those words.

Is that a good description?

Very good.

And then send it in to 64046.

That's 64046.

You didn't say, you said the calls will be charged at your standard rate, but you didn't say, and from mobiles will be considerably more.

and deck no I didn't say that but they'll all be being sent from mobiles will they unless you send them by email in which case they're free so yes we've given out the details for black squadron they know how to get in touch they know the text number it's all taken care of right yeah absolutely so after joe issues the command we're going to fire off my first replay of the day which is a lovely old bit of scar

from Lord Kitchener talking about his wife's nighty but I always think that he's saying my white nighty so he's he's complaining that someone's run off with me white nighty which makes me think of Lord Kitchener as a kind of amiable cross dresser that's the way I like to think of this song anyway here's here's the command for Black Squadron now be careful with this command as usual take into consideration health and safety clear away any sharp or dangerous subjects before you follow this command here comes the command squadron stand by

Sit in bin!

They love to sit in bins, our listeners.

Do they?

Yes, we've got pictures coming in.

Look at that.

There's a lot of people in very small waste paper bins.

She looks terribly happy about sitting in the bin.

She's going to crush that bin.

That's a little bath.

She's not sitting in it.

She's light as a feather.

She's doing this.

She's anonymous.

That lady's just got one foot in the bin.

Is that really sitting?

he's well in that bin look at that topless in his pj bottom do you like sitting in bins is this why you thought of the command uh i just wanted to see some people in bins and and of course it factors into the big operation the major black i mean it's it's a field skill yeah

You know, this really happened in the army though, there would quite rightly be questions asked about whether it was appropriate to humiliate your soldiers this way.

Well, why is it humiliating?

Why is it humiliating to make someone sit in a bin?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, go on.

Well, because you are literally implying that they are rubbish in some way.

They could be merely crushing the rubbish so they can fit more refuse in there.

And that's better, is it?

Yeah, that's just a very practical use of the bottom.

Yeah.

Now, listen, chaps, you're all intelligent people.

What we're going to do today is get you to crush some rubbish with your bottom.

Tell me that's humiliating.

There's a guy stood inside.

What's he done?

Well, he stuck his feet out the bottom of the bin, so he's like a walking dustbin.

Yeah.

Tell me that's demeaning in any way.

It's one of those big, tall, aluminium dustbins, those stainless steel ones, and he's standing right in it and he's got his feet poking out the bottom like he's a kind of R2D2.

This one's got a touch of the... Like Kenny Baker's feet poking out from the bottom of R2.

These are extraordinary photos.

Congratulations Black Squad.

There's someone in a wheelie bin outside.

That's good.

He's outside his house in the street.

And that's impressive.

And he's poking out of a wheelie bin.

Who's that person?

He's in the black wheelie bin as well.

That's the disgusting one.

Theo, Mark and a wheelie bin.

Are there two of them in there?

Maybe Mark took the photo or one of them took the photo.

You could understand if they were in the recycling bin, right?

Because the recycling bin generally is less wiffle-ocious.

Soft stuff.

But in the black bin, there's maggots and stuff living at the bottom of our black bin.

You wouldn't want to go anywhere near it.

It seems to be very evenly distributed across the genders as well, the bin sitting.

Sometimes we get a male or female bias.

Both the sexes love to sit in bins.

Well, it's a sexy place.

It just feels good on your body.

Sure.

Let's make love in the bin.

Baby, baby, I love you.

You're a trashy, trashy woman.

Let's make love in the bin.

That's the Isley Brothers, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's classic Isley Brothers, who's used on a lot of Tarantino films.

And do you regularly wash out your bin?

Sorry to go on a tangent, but I'm curious.

Like, you know, your big black wheelie bin.

Do I regularly wash out my bin?

Yeah.

No.

Why?

Are you that confident?

In my bin's fragrance-ity.

Exactly.

I would wash it out if there was something really stinky in there, if it started to stink, but otherwise I'd just let it live in its natural funk.

Let the little communities grow up in there.

Yeah, exactly.

A diverse biological environment.

The next thing is, don't the foxes ever get to your rubbish and stuff and spill out the umskar?

Not really.

They've designed London bins to be fox resistant.

Umskar.

It's a with, nail and eye word.

That's right.

But sometimes when, maybe it's because we're a family, we've got so much rubbish sometimes, it piles up, you can't close the lid properly.

And some councils have a problem with that.

If you've got, like, more than six inches of the lid peeking up, they won't take your rubbish away.

Depends what council you've got.

Plus you guys get through a lot of packaging, don't you?

Because you're always foraging and you're picking stuff up off the street and your car's full of rubbish and...

It's absolutely true.

You push that big trolley full of all the rubbish and all the bags you have with you when you go around the place.

Isn't that you, I see?

Are you getting back at me because of the SAT stuff I said?

No, I just think that, yeah, no, yes, I am.

That was just quite a powerful image in my head.

Look at that, there's a whole family in Wheelie Bins.

One's in the glass, one's in the paper, one's in the can.

This is glorious stuff, thank you.

What a day for Britain.

You've made a couple of old men very happy.

And I'm not talking about us.

Hang on, I should credit those people.

I'm talking about a couple of other old men.

Joe, Johnny and Francis.

I repeat, Joe, Johnny and Francis, that's extraordinary work.

Gonna play a bit of music right now and we'll stand down the squadron after massive attack with Karma Coma.

Kama Kama Kama Kama Kama Kameleon They come and go

They come in.

That's what I always think when I see that song.

They're very different songs.

They are different, aren't they?

That one's more dark.

It is darker.

Did you make it in Roma?

Did you make an aroma?

What's he talking about in there?

Did you make an aroma?

I didn't.

Did you?

Ooh, calmer, calmer.

Did you make an aroma?

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

That was Massive Attack, of course.

We are going to stand down Black Squadron right now.

Here's the jingle.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little barn in mine

Enjoy your bath and your bun.

It's 9.30.

It's time for the news.

I want to take you higher.

That's Lie in the Family Stone.

Hey, listeners, this is Adam.

Hey, this is Joe.

This is the Adam and Joe radio show here on BBC Six Music.

I was saying earlier that the band Mumford and Sons... Is that what they're called?

Yeah.

...reminded me of a sitcom, which is, of course, Sanford and Sons, which was the American version of Stepto and Sons.

Right.

That's what it was reminding me of.

Well, it's easy, easy mistake to make.

Only a couple of letters, different four letters.

So there you go.

That's what was in your mind.

It's fair enough, man.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, don't worry.

Don't cry.

Why are you crying?

Oh my goodness.

That's it.

Come on.

Hey, put yourself together.

For goodness sake.

I did it.

I pulled myself together.

You really did.

That's it.

I'm on form.

Back on top.

So listen, folks, we're going to play the retro text donation jingle very shortly, but I want to talk to you, Joe, and apologize to you about

getting so worked up about this whole jingle business last week.

On the show, listeners, I was complaining actually in a comedic way.

It was supposed to be like deliberately over the top comedic whining.

I was complaining about the fact that everyone loves Joe's retro-textination jingle, including my wife, and all I seem to get is abuse for using garage band loops for my jingles, right?

I wasn't really that serious about it.

I was having a little chicle-chuckle, okay?

And very kindly and very loyally, a lot of listeners responded throughout the week by email and stuff, but kind of went too far the other way, like they were being really nice about my jingles, but then they were sort of laying into Joe a little bit.

And I felt kind of bad and protective towards Joe because that was not my intention at all.

So I'd like to read out a message from John in High Wiccan, which I think is quite even-handed and redresses the balance a little bit.

High count Cornu Lees and Buck Balls, he calls us,

I just thought I'd drop you a line regarding all this jingle nonsense.

Adam contributes a great deal to the show with his jingles whilst Joe sits atop a lofty throne sneering at Bucky's efforts.

How is this for addressing the balance?

Well, I think he's joking there, right?

This is clearly becoming an issue for Adam.

He's playing along with the fact that I was getting mocked.

So like you, he is also joking even though he's offered us no indication.

What's the fact?

Yeah, no, I'm waiting.

However, it has to be said that the retro-texanation jingle in all its forms is nothing short of spectacular, he says in capitals.

Of all the jingles and songs, it is the one that persistently returns to my psyche and at any moment I could break into song without needing to think of the words.

I'm a trash man myself.

He doesn't like it in the bin.

OK.

I wanted to send you this in the hope that, like a lucky shopper, I might be the thousandth e-mailer to praise Joe's wonderful song this week, and that this e-mail might be the one to fully push Adam over the edge.

Yours, hopefully, reaching... Well, it's had the opposite effect.

It's pushed you onto the edge.

Yeah, no, it's made me contrite and made me embarrassed that I was implying to the listeners that I genuinely resent your deserved success with the retro-textination jingle.

I mean, I don't mind at all, but I can't help feeling your fishing for compliments with your emotional outlays.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I was.

You're playing kind of games, aren't you?

I genuinely didn't mean to.

We always talk about that we've never read the games people play.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember?

Sure.

Well, if that was happening somewhere in my subconscious, then I genuinely apologize, Joe.

Yeah, that's all right.

I love your retro.

I used to listen to Adam and Joe, but I listened to the podcast, not the live.

Well, you can hear it for real now because it's retro text the next time because I couldn't.

I'd like to listen to Adam and Jo, but I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel acute frustration, cause I couldn't join in with text the nation But now my worries have disappeared, because we've dropped text the nation city And now my mail might be read out instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

Love it.

Thanks, man.

Brilliant jingle.

And Retro Text the Nation this week is all about reasons you think you're psychic because of the fact that that was the subject last week.

Yeah, that's right.

And we've had many interesting and exciting contributions during the week.

Thank you to everybody who emails.

And remember, if you're listening to this on Listen Again or the podcast or something, you too can join in with this week's Retro Text the Nation subject.

No!

With next week's Retro Text the Nation show.

Shut up.

with this week's Text the Nation segment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, man.

You know what I'm trying to say.

Yeah, you were saying that you too can join in.

Yeah, you too can join in.

Bono, the edge.

Hey!

I don't think anyone's made that joke before.

I'm the king!

This one is from Laura Beatty.

This is a good one.

Okay.

Dearest buckles and corn balls, I'm pretty sure that I have the power to short-circuit machinery when scared.

Ooh.

The haunted house at Alton Towers broke down whilst I was on it.

Samuel I at Chessington broke down.

whilst I was on it.

X No Way Out, comma, Sammy Ride.

Are they the same ride?

I think X No Way Out is a different ride, isn't it?

Broke down while I was on it.

Loggers Leap at Thorpe Park broke down whilst I was on them.

And Space Mountain at Euro Disney broke down while I was on it.

This was actually while I was actually on them, not just in the park.

And on some occasions I was left in the dark dangling in the air for quite some time.

One time I got freaked out watching my little brother on a mousetrap ride and that broke down too.

So either I have telekinetic powers or I'm really unlucky.

Love Laura Beatty.

I would say you've got telekinetic powers Laura.

You know, X no way out broke down while I was on it as well.

I think it might just be a feature of the ride.

It sort of pretends to stop and break down and then goes backwards.

It's quite painful and uncomfortable and abrupt ride when we went on it.

Do you remember us going on it about 10 years ago?

I went on a roller coaster for the first time the other day.

It was an X-Files themed ride, wasn't it?

That shows how old it is.

Yeah, there you go.

X no way out.

Yeah, for the first time in quite a long time I went on a roller coaster and was shocked by how violent it was.

I was totally unprepared.

I love them.

I came off and I was all aches and pains.

I was like, oh dear, my back.

I'm not going to do that again.

I'm too old.

I like it.

So that's pretty frightening stuff isn't it?

I would be disturbed if I was in a theme park with Laura Beatty.

It reminds me of that film The Fury.

Do you remember there's this kind of an indoor theme park?

Sure.

And there's some men on a wheelie wheel and it goes crazy and they get flung off.

Do you remember?

It's horrific stuff.

It's wizard.

it's absolutely wizard of course it's fictional because it's in a film and if that happened in reality that would be frightful best bit in the fury is when she's hovering on the roof or he's he's hovering and not on a roof he's in a room and he's hovering on the ceiling above the door that's right spooky scary good film have you got any retro text the nation's yeah i've got one that isn't that spooky but i was impressed about who it was from um this is from a guy called phil thornally you know phil well i know the one you're going to read yeah

Phil Thornely listens to this show.

He co-wrote Torn by Natalie and Bruglia.

Wow.

He produced Pornography by The Cure, their best album, I think.

Oh, and this is the Thompson Twins guy, the guy that mixed.

Yeah, and he was in The Cure for a while, and he... Would it have been into the gap he mixed, or...?

I think it... Or Quick Step and Sidekick.

Quick Step and Sidekick.

Judy Do was the track that he talks about here.

He was the recording engineer on that Thompson Twins record.

Anyway, Phil says, and that is impressive, that is a roster of impressive credits, not least the Thompson Twins connection from Phil, and he writes in and says, Dear Adam and Jo, your theme about psychic moments reminded me of this story.

Although it's not psychic, strictly speaking, it is spooky and cosmic and perhaps precognisant.

I was working as a recording engineer on a Thompson Twins record, a production idea that was de rigueur at the time after Talking Heads and David Byrne did it.

on My Life in the Bush of Ghosts, involved recording what was coming out of a radio.

Sort of found music, random, arty, etc.

We set up the radio and the microphone and hit record.

The song that came out of the radio as the track rolled was performed by Judy Garland.

Spookily, the track we were recording was called Judy Do, about Judy Garland.

Is this crap, he says at the end of the year?

No, it's not, the message.

No, not at all.

Thanks, Phil, in Kilburn.

And we're humbled and excited that you listen to the programme.

Not my favourite Thompson Twins track though, Judi Dood.

Do you remember that one?

I do remember it, yeah.

I was trying to think of a Thompson twins track that I could bring in as a free play.

I couldn't really think.

Hey!

What would be a good one?

What are you implying?

That's not a single Thompson twins track that's good enough to play on the radio in this day and age.

Are you really saying that?

Yeah, I couldn't think of a single one.

That's an astonishing thing to say.

Because we loved them.

Are you taking my breath away?

Take your breath away.

You know, listen, there was no bigger Thompson Twins fan than myself or you.

No, I can think of many.

I'm going to do a triple Thompson Twins free play next week.

Go on then.

I dare you.

I will.

And they'll all be winners with Zed.

I'm not sure they will.

Here's one final retro text the nation email all about psychic powers.

This is from Heidi Wort.

Once, I was very drunk in a takeaway after a heavy night out.

There was an idiot hole throwing his noodles at the wall.

This outraged me in my drunken stupor, and I started to confront him shouting, would you do that in your own house?

Soon we were engaged in a slanging match.

It was quickly getting out of control, so my friend dragged me outside, consoling me.

Oh, he'll get what's coming to him.

I replied, I hope so.

Just then, the culprit ran out of the takeaway after me, only to be suddenly hit by a car.

What?

I couldn't believe what I'd done.

I was quite shaken.

Luckily he was fine and he walked away, but I will never use my dark talents again.

Who's that from?

That's pretty good.

Heidi Wart.

Don't mess with Heidi.

She'll use her dark talents.

Especially if you're throwing noodles against the wall.

Why would you throw your noodles against a wall?

Just discussed it with the noodles.

What kind of attitude to life is that?

Go into a noodle shop, order some noodles, wait patiently for them to be freshly cooked.

They're handed to you over the counter.

You simply pick them up and throw them against the wall.

What if they're bad noodles?

That's like a sort of art statement.

Exactly.

Because some of them would stick to the wall as well.

Maybe he was a conceptual artist.

Could have been.

Exactly.

You don't want to jump to conclusions.

Actions like that aren't necessarily thuggish.

It could have been Anish Kapoor throwing noodles against the wall with Alan Yentob sitting cross-legged on the floor with his chin in his hand thinking.

Did you see Alan Yentop doing his thing on Anishka Poor?

No, I didn't, no.

I love on documentaries like that the way the presenter like Alan Yentop incorporates themselves.

The way they have to do shots of him looking at the work and the expression on Mr Yentop's face as he looks at the work.

They show you how to respond.

Brilliant man, obviously, but it's hard to come out of those things with that much dignity.

Alan Tenyob.

Anyway, listen, we're waffling all over the place.

Thank you very much to everybody who contributed to Retro Text the Nation, particularly there, Heidi, and the other person.

And, you know, I'd like to say this at this point, we do get so many messages in, we read them all, and I think both of us feel bad that we can't read more of them out, you know?

and a lot of people on air yeah and a lot of people ask us to do sort of dedications and shout outs and stuff like that and I always feel bad that we aren't able to do more of those I mean obviously we could but then it would just dominate the whole show if we started doing them you know what I mean yeah I'm happy we don't yeah exactly so you're happy yeah I think why please one listener with a shout out when there's lots of others that's what I'm saying yeah exactly I mean I'd like to please them all is what I'm saying

in an ideal world.

In an ideal world.

La la la la la.

Who was that then?

It was by the Lion King.

It was the Christians, wasn't it?

Nobody knows.

What's this then?

Ellie Goulding.

Now what do we know about Ellie Goulding?

Let's tell them afterwards.

Let's just kick it in.

This is called Under the Sheet.

Ellie Goulding, that is, with Under the Sheets.

Scores out of five, please, Joe.

I would give that... Well, you see, I was about to be honest, but that would have been a bit shocking, so I'm going to give it three.

Were you gonna... was your honest response to give it none?

Well, I think I would need to listen to it a few more times because it's wrong to judge a song on the first play, isn't it?

Is it?

No, that's what songs are designed for.

Oh, do you think so?

A lot of my favourite albums I found impenetrable on first listening.

Really?

Don't you think we've discussed this before, but really good albums tend to open up like a flower over time?

Yes, but you have to kind of vaguely like the smell of that flower in the first place.

I agree, that's true, but sometimes when you think something's a killer on the first listen, it'll fade after two or three plays.

Yeah, but what if you think it's an absolute stinker and you never want to go near it ever again?

Do you not ever come back to albums sort of five years later?

Well, I wouldn't go out and buy an album in the first place if I thought it was absolutely turgid, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you have done though in the past, right?

Just because a magazine's told you it's good.

Oh, I see.

And then you've ended up buying it.

Yeah, but only because they kind of have said, if you like this, you'll maybe like this kind of thing.

And I've fallen for that old... Anyway, I need to give Ellie a bit more time.

It reminded me of the work of the lady from X Factor with a lot of makeup on.

Cheryl Cole.

Right.

Have you seen her new military dance video?

I didn't see that, yes.

What kind of squadron is she part of with that animal?

Sexy squadrons.

Sexy?

Do you like coal?

I kind of, yeah.

Do you want a kiss?

Cheryl Cole.

I'd give her a kiss.

Little kiss?

On the pecker.

Sure.

That's the word for lips.

Your pecker.

Right?

Right.

Listen, here's a free play, right?

Chicken lips.

I want to talk about Cheryl Cole.

Cheryl Cole's pecker.

Here's a question.

Do you ever drive your partner insane by playing a record over and over and over again?

I don't get the opportunity.

Do you not like to play music around the house?

No, it doesn't happen that often.

Doesn't it?

No, it happens in the car a bit more.

Does it?

And they've been doing it to me, but they've been enjoying Cheryl Cole's new single, is why I asked you.

Have they, really?

I'm playing it over and over in the car.

Really?

Well, they listen to Radio 1, they listen to Moils and he plays it.

Really?

Yeah.

I bought this album by a band called Mayer Hawthorne called A Strange Arrangement while I was in America and I really enjoy it.

I've been playing it over and over again and driving my girlfriend lady partner Potty.

She not so keen?

Well, she liked it at first, but now it's wearing thin.

I can't get enough of it.

So she's probably listening to the show at home.

I thought I'd continue to ruin her life by playing my favourite song from it.

This is by Mayer Hawthorne.

It's called Maybe So, Maybe Not.

No.

Once in larger mounds, they're grabbing hands, grab all they can.

Everything counts in larger mounds.

That was Margaret Thatcher.

Wait, everything counts.

She was in Depeche Mode for a while.

She was.

In the early 80s.

Did you know that?

Just after Vince Clark left.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I did.

They got Thatcher in.

Everyone knows that.

Because everyone was like, what?

Thatcher's joined Depeche Mode.

What's that all about?

Yeah.

And she used to produce a little sort of self-published magazine, didn't she?

Yeah.

It's called the magazine.

All about that band.

Yeah.

She was very big on the indie punk scene.

Bondage punk.

Indie bondage punk.

Yeah.

That's why it was such a surprise when her political views went so right.

Yeah.

Isn't life fascinating?

It is a funny old thing, isn't it, life?

It's a funny old world.

It's a chucklesome little cup of soup there, isn't it?

Yep.

Sorry about that.

So, Joe, you're a big I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here fan.

I... no, I'm not.

You've been glued to it this week?

Nope.

Right?

Well, me and my wife have been glued to the I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

Right.

We absolutely unreservedly love that show.

Every year, I have the same tedious fantasy about being invited to appear on it and discuss it in lengthy detail with my wife, the actual practicalities of flying out to Australia, whether she would come out, how exciting it would be to be in the hotel.

If I was voted out fairly quickly, I'd probably be voted out within the first few vote-offs.

I wouldn't mind because I'd get more time in the hotel.

all this kind of stuff we talk about.

Then we talk about like, probably I'm not going to get invited to be on the show because I'm not sufficiently famous.

Also, they don't generally invite kind of ludicrous comedian type people on there because they've learned that they don't really work so well.

The dynamic is thrown off by those kind of people because they're too self-aware.

You know, they need more ridiculous type people on there.

We have all these discussions every night.

It's like news night around at our house in front of I'm a celebrity.

Get me out of here.

And at the moment, we're going through the difficult first week where you're getting used to the celebrities that are in there.

And there's always a feeling of disappointment like chemistry is not as good as in previous years.

You know, you haven't got the really sparky people to set things off.

Colin and Justin I like Colin and Justin, you know, the thing is that really you suddenly find yourself having opinions and relationships with all these people who were in your periphery Before yeah, but suddenly you're like Oh Colin and Justin now I understand like I'd never seen a show with them in it before You know, I knew of them, but now I know about them.

I like Colin and Justin.

Do you know Colin and Justin?

Oh, you're sure I know Colin and Justin.

Do you like them?

Yeah.

I like them.

As people.

Yeah, like Green Eggs and Ham.

As Sam I am.

I do.

I like Colin and Justin.

That's good.

It's good to like things.

Yeah, he's an intelligent guy, Justin.

Hey, what about Colin though?

Are you saying he's... Well, I'm sort of amused by the way their relationship is so clearly delineated, you know what I mean?

Like, which one is the dominant partner in that relationship?

I think it's the first time they've had a couple in the jungle in that way.

Which one is the dominant one in your relationship?

I don't want to go into that on the radio.

Of course, all kinds of problems.

Gino de Campo.

Did you know him?

Nope.

Never aware of Gino.

He's some chef, I think.

Maybe on Can't Cook, Won't Cook, or one of those Ready, Steady Cook.

I don't know.

Some cook show.

And he's kind of a crazy Italian man, you know, and he talks like this, literally like this, and he says, mama mia, and things like that.

It's great, Joe.

You should see the program.

It sounds terrific.

Do you know the camper?

Yeah, good.

He's a big comedy Italian man.

He's a funny Italian man.

I like his nice guy.

Like our Super Mario Brothers.

Yeah, exactly.

Like our Super Mario Brothers.

My mama Mia.

My mama Mia, Joe.

I can't believe this.

That sounds like a larger-than-life character.

He's a larger-than-life character.

You're right.

You like a capacitor?

He's very enthusiastic.

Speaking of broad Italian caricatures, I watched a very serious art film this week called The Wages of Fear, right?

He's into that film!

There's a character called Lu... It was very intense, it's believed montand, it's about people transporting nitroglycerin.

It's very famous.

Didn't I?

I took a listen, didn't I?

Yes, there's a character in it called Luigi.

B-b-boom, bang!

who is a big Italian man, and he's dressed exactly like Luigi from Super Mario Brothers with a little cap, a little bandana around his neck, an open shirt and a hairy chest, he's short and fat, and his arms are sticking out to the side all of the time.

Bing!

A mushroom!

Yeah, I couldn't concentrate on the vast opacity of it.

Yeah, because I was hearing little one-up noises.

Sometimes, you know, Italians do, you get a lot of Italians who do conform to that stereotype in a very pleasing way.

Is that a problem statement?

I don't know.

It's a fun statement.

I like it.

Like, I like it when I meet French people who are exactly like a grotesque caricature of a French person.

Oh, come in.

that kind of thing.

And they exist, these people.

I love that.

Joe Boogner, he's in there in the jungle.

Do you remember Joe Boogner?

Is he a boxing man?

Yeah, he's a big boxing man and he's a bit South African, not too extremely South African, but he's a bit South African and he's very funny because he talks about, he knows a lot about the jungle and he talks about, you've got to watch out for the ticks.

because the ticks are going to get up in your scalp there and they're going to burrow right into your brains and they will kill you before you know what's even happening.

And all the rest of the campers are all sat around looking ashen-faced and frightened with his stories of imminent death about the ticks and the spiders and all the things you've got to watch out for in the jungle.

But the big, obviously, headline-grabbing person in the jungle is Katie Price aka Jordan, right?

Where do you stand on Jordan?

Literally, I have a literal answer.

Which part of her body?

No, boobs.

Of course you do, yeah.

Anyway, but are you pro-price or anti-price?

Any opinion whatsoever?

Not really.

Sort of blanking?

Blanking price.

Did you ever watch her reality show with Ponderay?

No.

Never.

Oh yeah, no, of course I did.

Yeah.

I side with Ponderay though, don't I?

Do you?

Yeah, I'm on Ponderay's side.

Because you think she's too abrasive to brash that kind of thing?

They're looking at me with your Louis Theroux face, as if this is a really serious... It is a serious question!

You don't like it when we discuss hot topic issues.

So clear you're going to flip this round.

No, I'm not flipping it round.

Because obviously she's demonstrated how sensitive and lovely she is now, right?

Yes.

Right.

I'm not flipping it around.

I'm just saying maybe it's my natural desire to side with the underdog, but I feel sorry for the girl.

Okay.

And I like her.

There's something I like about her and I can't tell what maybe she reminds me of an old girlfriend or something.

Listen, surely they should fly you out for the ITV2 program.

That's what I'm hoping.

I mean, I agree.

You might not be famous enough a public figure to go on the actual program, but you could be with that parade of

People on the ITV2 programme.

Desperate losers?

Is that what you were thinking?

No.

Commentators.

Yeah, yeah.

They'd put you up in the hotel for that.

Come on.

I wish they would.

Unless they've put a lot of other desperate losers up in that hotel.

Surely I could fit in there too.

But I am obsessed by Katie Price a little bit, right?

I like the fact that when she's in the jungle, she doesn't wear so much makeup.

She looks very beautiful, I feel.

And there's something nice and vulnerable about her.

And I feel sorry for her.

It's like, I mean, I know, yes, obviously she courts publicity and she's sort of obsessed by it and she's insane in many ways.

But I do believe there's a little scared girl underneath trying to get out.

And I want to help her.

Do you understand?

Also,

She's, you know, Ilia Dumond or Balcon.

Yeah.

That's true.

You know what I'm saying?

There are some magazines I could recommend you that you might like reading.

I've got a song though that I want to play for you.

I was moved to create a song for Katie Price.

Right.

And you remember last week I was getting you to sing along without him.

Yeah.

This, my singing on this is a little bit like that because I got this jingle.

This is a prepackaged jingle that I'm singing over and I couldn't, instead of making up the tune as I went along.

But anyway, here's my song for Katie Price.

It can't be easy.

to go back to the jungle without hondre close at hand singing insania trying to unlock your celebrity chest and instead you've got the battle axe from how clean is your house putting you down for playing the same game they're all playing but getting paid much much more

Katie Price, take my advice Get away from the flipping lot They've only got your breast and breasts at heart Like you're some kind of tart Katie Price, it can't be nice Getting cockroaches in your bra

While lanterns echo, ha ha Oh dear Katie, are you alright?

You're in trouble in the water there Jordan, let her go Don't you know that you're smothering a sweet girl called Kate?

Who doesn't have your tough exterior?

Katie, have you worked out the price of fame?

Maybe it's too high a price to pay How I wish that you'd get back with Andre

So that's a song for Katie Price there.

Very profoundly moving.

Thank you very much.

I'm hoping maybe she'll hear it and I can get together with her.

Well, clearly.

Listen, man, why don't you just go there?

What?

Fly myself to Australia?

Yes.

Still expensive.

You could go economy.

One of those student flights that stops at 10 places, they're cheaper than you.

Listen, I'll pay.

All right.

But I think you should go there and really try and get in there.

Force yourself upon them.

It's my dream.

Well, it can come true.

Thank you very much.

Here's some music now.

After this, I think we'll have a go at text the nation.

This is Echo and the Bunnymen, the Gilling Moon.

It's my mum's favourite Bunnymen song.

Really?

Loves it.

She's got very good taste in music, your mum.

She does, yeah.

Travelling Wilburys.

Maybe if I'm busy at all, she could sit in for me.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think you'd do a good show if you co-presented with your mum?

That's an interesting idea.

That is a very interesting idea.

I mean, you could have your mum and your dad.

That would be a double whammy.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm not sure if I could handle that.

I think it would make very interesting radio because it would change the balance of power somewhat, wouldn't it?

Sure.

She's a political firebrand.

Your mum?

My mum.

She loves the Daily Mail.

A political Russell brand?

Yeah.

Do you think she'd say something awful?

Possibly.

What, something politically provocative?

Well, I don't know, something out of sync with the average six music listener.

She is a conservative with a small C. And, you know, she's open-minded in many ways, and she's a wonderful woman.

She may well be listening right now, so I don't want to enrage her.

Um, but, uh, but yes, she'd be great.

I think she would be great.

I think she should take over from Lauren Laverne.

Well, that's an interesting idea.

Yeah.

I mean, I know Lauren's only just moving to the morning slot.

She loves smooth jazz.

So do the six music listeners.

Yeah.

You think they'd be cool with that?

Her favorite CD is jazz on a rainy afternoon.

Perfect.

Hello, this is Adam's mum.

And now he's a bit more jazz.

A jazzy Jeff.

A j

Jazz.

Anyway, folks, we're going to talk about, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here again very briefly, just to kick off this text the nation, right?

Put it in some kind of context.

Kim Woodburn.

Do you know who she is, Joe?

Nope.

She's the battle axe from How Clean is Your House that I referred to in the case.

Kim and Aggie, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go, Kim and Agate.

You see, all these people, again, I'm aware of their existence, but suddenly I understand what the deal is, having seen them in the jungle.

Anyway, she's a total nightmare, as far as I can tell.

Overbearing and just larger than life in every tedious way possible.

And one of her things is being brutally honest with people.

She's one of these people who says, I say what's on my mind.

I can't help it.

I can't help it, love.

I absolutely have to say what's on my mind.

I have to be honest.

And people like that just make me want to end it all.

Because, you know, it's like you don't.

You don't have to say what's on your mind.

You don't have to be brutally honest.

That was one of the weird things about Ricky Chafez is film the invention of lying, which I haven't seen incidentally.

So I don't know if I can't come out too much.

You're talking from an ill-informed viewpoint.

Exactly.

That's right.

Absolutely ill-informed.

It's my favorite viewpoint.

But the weird thing, but I've seen the trailer.

That's good.

So the problem, I think, having not seen the film, with the film, is that his idea is that if you live in a world where

there's no lying, then that means that everyone is immediately brutally honest and says like the worst thing that's on their mind.

Sure, that's not true.

That's not what lying is about.

Lying is about saving people's feelings a lot of the time, you know.

That would be the invention of rudeness or the invention of politeness.

What would it be?

But it's something else, isn't it?

Yeah, just because you can't lie doesn't mean to say you're going to go around telling everyone they stink, you know what I mean?

Anyway, so Kim Woodburn, right, goes up to Justin from Colin and Justin.

Love them both.

And she, totally unprovoked for no reason at all, goes up to him and points at the several moles that he has on his handsome face and says, you should get rid of those darling, you should get them lasered off.

Why have you got them on your handsome face there?

You'd be much more handsome if you got rid of those moles.

And he was totally shocked by this, right?

And totally taken aback.

He didn't really know how to respond.

He was sort of flawed for a few minutes.

And then after a while he got his bearings and said, that's kind of a rude thing to say.

Why would you say that?

She's like, well, I'm just being honest.

I've got to say what's on my mind, dear.

Have to.

I have to be honest.

You should get those lasers off.

You know, you've got a handsome face.

And those moles are spoiling them.

This, incidentally, coming from a woman who is not exactly an oil painting herself, right?

But it seems such a weird thing to do to go up.

She get lasered off.

Oh, her face?

Her whole face.

That's what he should have come back with.

Exactly!

Why not laser your whole face off?

You should get lasered off entirely.

She'd just be blasted by a laser.

If I had my laser with me, then I would laser you into a thousand tiny pieces.

Little powdery puff of flesh and fabric.

And then, emptiness.

My laser.

Like in Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds.

Right.

A bloodless explosion.

Yeah.

A human pop.

That's right.

That is what I'm holding out for.

I'm hoping that's going to be in the last week if I'm a celebrity.

That's going to be one of the Bush Tucker trials.

That would be good if they had a satellite.

You see, I'd watch.

I'd be interested if they had a laser-armed satellite above the camp.

And they could just take them out very suddenly.

Laser Kim Woodburn.

Anyway, so it very much reminded me that that kind of person exists in the world, you know, the kind of person that absolutely feels they have to say what's on their mind, regardless of other people's feelings, and they don't really think it through.

But then everyone does that themselves every now and again.

You say things, you are perhaps too honest, or you feel compelled to be honest with a person, and then regret it afterwards.

There was a guy at school, and this is how much trouble I'm having summoning up.

some kind of anecdote along these lines, but there's a guy at school who used to take great pleasure in pointing out zits.

I remember.

Do you remember?

Yeah.

Everyone else would very politely pretend that the thick layer of medicated makeup... Rich Hazel.

And which hazel and weird peroxide products on your face was invisible.

Yeah.

But this one guy would go around and go, God, look at that strawberry.

Yes, exactly.

you running a pick your own thing yeah say stuff like that make you feel really self-conscious and stuff it's bizarre but then also i'm thinking about incidents when you're perhaps with your lady partner and having a conversation about who you fancy on tv or whatever or

You know those kind of conversations.

In a fictional world, who would you be allowed to have an affair with if you met them, you know what I mean?

Do you ever have those conversations?

Sure, sometimes.

And you feel as if you're on an equal intellectual footing with your girlfriend, stroke, lady, partner, man, partner, whatever it happens to be.

But, and so you're honest with them, right?

You're just having a sort of fun discussion.

Suddenly, they take offense, they get really upset, and the whole discussion is like, whoa, where's this gone?

And suddenly the lady partner's crying because you have expressed an interest in snogging.

So how would you encapsulate this best for the listeners?

Times when you have regretted being honest with someone or got into trouble.

Or could it be the other way around, someone who's been too brutally honest with

you.

Yeah, it goes both ways.

It's going to take a certain bravery on the listeners' part to admit to some of these things perhaps.

Our listeners can do it.

They're bold and brave.

They're very brave.

The text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.

If you'd like to contribute to this week's Text the Nation.

Here's a free play for you right now.

This is a duo called Noylander, and they are, I think, New York based, a man and a woman, and this is a sort of enjoyable electronic

over the top track that they did a few years ago.

It sounds like kind of a mess for a little bit this track, but then it kind of congeals into a fairly stirring little epic at the end.

Hope you enjoy it.

This is Noylander with If You Could.

Do you remember that party that we went to when we were little and there was a guy wandering around and he'd had a bit too much to drink and we were playing that song or someone was playing that album and he came up and he's all teary and he goes, boys do cry, you know.

And then he wandered off in a drunkie daze.

I've forgotten that.

Listen, listeners, we're going to do some made up jokes.

We haven't done any made up jokes for a few weeks and we're inundated with them.

Great bucket loads of them regularly.

So we fished out the best ones and we're going to read some right now, correct?

Adam stuck a plastic fork off his nose.

Hanging it off the bridge of the nose.

Is it the bridge?

Is that what we're going to do?

We're going to have the jingle jingle?

Yeah, let's have the jingle.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party

And as Joe said, we do get a huge amount of these through.

I mean, it is ridiculous.

Most of them, it has to be said, are no good.

How is your sort of vetting going?

Are you vetting, Adam?

Are you Google searching the jokes that you read out?

I'm trying to be a bit more stringent because in the past I've been too easily impressed by puns and one-liners and stuff.

So I'm trying to avoid those a little bit.

Yep.

You know, because I accept the fact that I've been too credulous and too willing to believe that there are made-up jokes.

In the end, it turns out generally that Tim Vine has done them at some point.

How about you?

Final car.

Well, I'm just doing a little bit of last-minute vetting now.

Are you?

I think I've cleared my first joke.

Okay, okay.

From Alan and Joe Jenkins.

How do you make a questionnaire laugh?

I don't know.

You tickle its boxes.

Hey!

Just Google search.

You tickle its boxes.

Nothing coming up.

So there's nothing but Tickle Me Elmo links coming up.

So that's good, isn't it?

Alan and Joe Jenkins, that's officially an authored joke.

Do you know what you should be able to do?

You should be able to register jokes with the PRS, the Performing Rights Society.

People in the business of music will know that if you're a musician and you have a hit record, they've really got the profit distribution system really nailed.

better than any other industry so if you could apply that structure to joke or the ship don't you think I mean Alan and Joe Jenkins they would be making some coin every time that that joke was cracked yeah but really I mean it would be difficult to monitor and register it you want to monetize that wordplay man once Wi-Fi's installed in the brain that which is within the next two weeks apparently hooray then that kind of thing will be feasible no in my luck it'll be rubbish Wi-Fi in my brain

Have you got any jokes?

Sure, I do.

I've got loads.

Here's one from Toby McCathy.

Okay, as you said, I'm going to... I'm going to Google some of the... Actually, this does need Googling because after my lengthy speech about avoiding simple wordplay, this is classic and maybe semi-obvious wordplay, but I like it.

Shoot.

Hey there, Buckles and Cornballs.

Where do above-average electricians do their shopping?

Hmmm.

Sparks and Mensa.

Yay!

That's good, that's good, that's good.

He says, a pleasure.

Give Boggins a hit from me.

That's from Tom McCarthy.

Google hit number two.

Sparks and Mensa is a recycled line about M&S from the 70s.

Not only is it a real groaner, dot, dot, dot.

What?

Google hit number two.

OK, well, what about this?

All right, Google this thing.

Well, hang on.

It's my turn.

Johnny Googles.

It's my turn.

All right, you do one.

I'm going to do one that doesn't get any Google response.

What's round and sounds like a trumpet?

Don't know.

A crumpet.

Come on, the best response I've had to this joke was a sympathetic half grin from my girlfriend, thanks by Kevin Shaw.

Yeah.

Well, you got another sympathetic half grin from me, mate, right?

Is that a bit aggressive?

Hey, what are you googling there?

What's round and sounds like a trumpet.

Anything?

No, nothing.

Nothing.

Cornish scores two.

Two nil.

Shut up.

Two nil.

Boom.

Fight.

Boom.

Fight.

Very nice.

Right, Danny Dyer.

Here's one from Sam Bowman.

Did you hear?

Did you hear about how Velma from Scooby Doo's teaching evaluation exam went?

I can't believe you chose this one.

What?

This is a good one.

Go on.

Yeah, she would have gotten an A with it if it weren't for those pesky kids.

Velma from Scooby-Doo's teaching evaluation exam.

And she would have gotten an A with it.

Hang on, I'm getting some responses off this.

Those pesky kids.

I liked it, Sam Bowman.

Needs further investigation.

Lucy.

Lucy, if you could investigate that one further please.

Don't get Lucy, that's totally legit.

If you could run that through Google, thank you very much.

Have you got another one then?

Sure, I've got another one.

Come on then.

Why is it easy to buy clothes that fit Derek Acora?

I don't know.

Because he's a medium.

James Pastel in Wind... Oh, I'm going to make this mistake again.

Wymandom.

Wyndham.

Yeah.

That's good.

Let's stop Googling them.

This just brings the whole thing down.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, it brings me down anyway.

Here's one from Martha, which I really do not believe needs Googling.

She says, this was made up by my coworker, Mike.

The farmyard animals have entered a competition organized by the farmer and his wife.

A marquee kitted out with decks, lights, and a glitter ball is the prize, which goes to the animal who presents the best Shakespearean passage.

This is good.

The sheep does Macbeth, the horse does Hamlet, and the cow does Richard III.

The farmer and his wife have a tough job choosing a winner, but finally they announce, cow is the winner of our disco tent.

Nice.

Brilliantly designed.

What a piece of verbal architecture that is.

Yeah, she says, please kill boggins.

Cow is the winner of our disco tent.

Very nice, Martha.

I like that one a lot.

You got another one there?

Well, I'm reading through them and I don't know, maybe I was a little bit tooty when I picked them because they don't seem so funny now.

Come on, this is a good one.

Kevin Core sent this in.

Have you heard about the new BBC sitcom in which a young man advises his stepmother about the British weather?

It's called It Ain't Hot, Half Mum.

Nice.

He's a reporter on the Liverpool Echo.

Is he?

Well, quite rightly.

He's a genius.

OK, I've got one.

This is from Ivor Hatton.

Dear Adam and Jo, what does any aspiring person working in journalism or the arts want to get in their Christmas cracker?

This is a good one.

A Pulitzer Prize.

Pulitzer Prize!

That's Brills.

Here's a very simple one, which may well have been made before, but it made me chuckle.

This is from Matt in North London.

What do you call a racist wizard?

Oh, Adam.

I don't know.

I'm worried.

I'm already very worried.

Nick Gryffindor.

Oh, nice.

Good.

That's probably quite contemplative, isn't it?

Harry Potter.

He's only entered the public realm.

Like an old stinky waft in the last month or so.

Sure.

Well, that was very good, very good.

That's cathartic, isn't it, getting made up jokes out of your system?

I mean, I've got thousands more, but I think we should stop while we're ahead.

Yeah.

Or not.

Here's Doves with House of Mirrors.

Doves.

It's been their year, Joe.

It has, hasn't it?

Yeah.

They're having a fantastically year.

They're going to look back at 2009 and think, oh, lovely.

Loved it.

What a great time.

Vintage.

Mate.

Because they're an Aussie band, aren't they?

Yeah, they're all from Australia.

Oh, 2009, mate.

Oh, that year was an absolute doozy bonser year.

I still, every now and again, I still have a tinny, and think about that year, and then I'll surf, guys.

Stereotypical, very stereotypical.

No, that's what they're like.

Conductive and racist.

Not racist, that's what they're like.

Very, very racist.

They love surfing and drinking beer and surfing.

Disgusting.

And Barbies and shrimps, that kind of thing.

Why is that racist with corks hanging from their hat?

I'll tell you after the show.

Um, if you enjoy this programme, then you might like to visit our blog.

It's at bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Jo.

It's got all sorts of bits and bobs on it.

It's got animations that listeners have made.

Amazing animations.

Beautiful drawings that listeners have beautifully drawn.

Yeah.

It's got little posts by Count Buckley's and some by Cornball's.

Many of the songs, our Song Wars songs, are available to download there.

And don't take the blog at face value.

Don't think that what's on the home page, the opening page, is all there is.

Have a little search.

Dig around.

Open the bottom drawers.

Have a little scruffle.

Lift up the bits of newspaper lining and see what's tucked underneath.

Shove your hands down the sides of the sofa there.

You might find more than a 50 pence piece.

Some old filthy magus reinds.

That's the ultimate find, isn't it?

It is.

And that filthy mag.

Daddy's dirty mag.

You don't see them in the woods so much anymore, do you?

Anyway, listen.

Do you love the film Predator?

Yeah, sure I do.

Yeah, sure you do.

I've been listening to a lot of film soundtracks recently.

Have you?

And I've been particularly... Do you listen to film soundtracks ever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you like while you're working maybe to have some adventure music on?

Not so much.

If you're, sometimes if I'm writing I like to have a bit of exciting music on, you know, get you into the zone.

Ah, I like the mellow ones, you know, a bit through each second of the tone.

Well, yeah, the adventurers, some ones can be adventurous, some ones can be a little bit distracting sometimes, or they can make you start typing too fast.

But it's also fun to listen to adventuresome music while you're, say, cleaning.

Or maybe tidying up the kitchen.

Or making sweet sweet love.

Adventure some music from films makes daily life exciting.

It's like you're in a film.

So one of my favourite soundtracks is Alan Silvestri's Predator soundtrack.

Sure.

For my free play, and a lot of people have been emailing us asking what free plays are when we say free plays, but most of the music on the show is brilliantly assembled by our producer James and six music boffins, but three songs a week each Adam and I get to pick from our own collections.

And we can pretty much play whatever we want, as long as it's not sweary.

Yeah, hence me playing a track from the Predator soundtrack.

I haven't got any thingin' in it, like it's not a song, it's orchestral, but it's a terrific soundtrack.

It's very rhythmic.

Those great kind of tom-toms or whatever it is.

Yeah, so if you're driving, this is gonna make the next 1 minute and 50 seconds really exciting.

And what part of the film is this?

What are we looking at?

This track is called Jungle Trek.

So we have Sfartzi and all his chums trekking through the jungle, being tracked.

Billy Dee Williams, is he in there?

Everyone's in there.

Sure.

Being tracked by the Predator that is moving through the jungle with its weird translucent refractive cloaking device switched on.

You can do that, you know, that's real technology.

with those little cameras that show what's behind you in front of you.

It's all real.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that, and I don't think it works.

Come on.

We can talk about that another time.

Listen, enjoy this.

This is Alan Silvestri with Jungle Trek.

There is no typing going on.

They don't have typewriters.

They're on a jungle trek trivialising that piece of music.

Come on, guys, you've got to get the copy in.

The deadline's looming.

It wasn't Billy Dee Williams.

It's Carl Weathers, of course, in that film.

Carl Weathers.

Of course it was.

Matt, do you remember when we went to see that in... Where do we see that, Joe?

We saw that in Paris.

Of course we did, in La Salle.

And we were so excited because it was the Virgin original.

We were too young to see it in Britain, weren't we?

But we were young enough to see it in France.

It was a subtitle.

It was so exciting.

It was very loud.

They play films loudly as well in Paris, so they certainly used to.

Do you remember pretty much everywhere you saw a film?

Yeah, pretty much, I'm good at that.

Yeah, same here.

And I say to my wife, like, hey, do you remember when we saw this film?

Hasn't got a clue.

Like, can't remember when, where we were, what we were doing.

I was like, what?

But there are many problems between you and your wife, aren't there?

Many, many problems.

Now, you can't remember where we saw Men in Black, darling.

But Silvestri, he's a genius, and the combination of rhythm and orchestral there is superb.

He did Back to the Future, of course.

Other great films like Flight of the Navigator, Overboard, Mac and Me.

Overboard?

Overboard is a brilliant film.

Golden Horn and Kurt Russell.

Come on.

How is it a brilliant film?

It's good, it's really good.

It's your argument, is it?

Yeah.

It's funny, it's warm, it's lively, it's witty.

Lucy, you love Overboard, right?

She's never heard of it.

Mac and me, that's a good film.

Mac and me, I'm not sure I've seen Mac and me.

They built a whole McDonald's for Mac and me.

That was the ET rip-off, right?

Yeah.

The little boy in the wheelchair.

Is Mac and me actually worth watching?

Never seen it.

Have you ever seen Overboard?

Of course I've seen Overboard.

Are you genuinely pro Overboard?

I swear to you, lots of people love Overboards.

Proverboard.

Yeah, I'm proverboard, definitely.

Okay, well, I'm gonna revisit it now.

It's good.

You and your wife will it'll heal a lot of the rifts, but it's like emotional glue That should have been on the cover.

Yeah, it's like emotional glue don't honest BBC six music Hey, has your name ever turned up on an endorsement like on a on a DVD or anything?

uh yeah on a book or two is it yeah oh they make you feel good yeah it didn't make me feel good it's on robert popper's um time waster letters volume one which is an excellent book sure very proud to be on there i've got a quote on the tim and eric dvd do you yeah says aden buxton six music wow skills who is that

What do you mean?

Adam Buxton, who is that?

He's a little hairy ponce.

Is he?

Yeah.

He's a DJ.

That's right.

He's a music DJ.

Okay, cool.

He loves Tim and Eric.

Here's Merry Ghost with mathematics.

Cherry Ghost, not Merry Ghost.

What's your big problem, you small hairy ponce?

This is Mathematics by Cherry Ghost.

Cherry Ghost there with the song that they've done that we've just played called Mathematics.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.

Thanks for joining us this morning.

We're into the last hour of our programme and it's time to do some text-the-nation submissions.

Are we going to have a kind of a jingle?

Yeah, let's have a bit of Jonghulis.

Oh, James.

Jingle is massive.

What happened?

It just... Jingle is massive.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email, is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

What is it about this week Adam?

What you what?

What?

What is it about?

What is it all about this week Adam?

Alright, I get what you're saying.

Yeah, alright bruv.

What is it about?

Oh, what's it about?

Yeah.

Okay, so this week... Wait, wait, Adam.

What?

What is it all about?

This week?

Yeah, what is it about?

It's like a collection, it's like a magazine, right?

And they collect all the articles from different papers, right?

And they put it in the mag.

So you got, it's like an overview of all the different media.

That's basically what this week's about.

Thanks.

This week's Text the Nation, though, is all about being brutally honest and regretting it.

Yeah.

Here are some ones what we have got in.

This is from Jess.

My ex-boyfriend and I were having the who would you sleep with conversation?

We should

described this a bit.

People know what that is, don't they?

Maybe we shouldn't go into it in any way.

Well, it's it's with it's where you to have a physical liaison with someone outside of wedlock.

It's something that long term partners discuss, isn't it?

You would get a kind of a free free pass for.

Yeah, yeah.

So my ex boyfriend and I were having that conversation.

I said George Clooney, obviously.

Yeah.

And he immediately replied, Hannah from work.

That's not allowed.

Awkward silence ensued.

It's got to be, um... She does sound attractive though, doesn't she?

Hannah from work.

Yeah, sure, she is.

Something just about those three words.

Definitely.

I mean... Look at Hannah's hair, it's so clean.

Hannah, she's lovely.

Who's your one incidentally?

What do you mean?

Your one that you're allowed to have.

We don't really have that conversation.

Do you not?

No, I don't think we've ever had that conversation.

Well, you're not like a person from Friends then.

No, I'm not.

That's a shame, I'm lacking in dimensionality.

All people were like people from friends.

Do all couples have to have that conversation?

Yes, you've got to conform to the thing.

You've got to have the couple conversation that may have been friends and stuff.

Here's one from Tim in Dorset.

An unnamed woman I was at school with had, let's just say an issue with a five o'clock shadow.

Whilst out drinking, I decided to say, why don't you just shave it off?

What?

To say she was upset is an understatement.

I am an idiot forever for that.

Who's that from?

Tim in Dorset.

He's scarred himself and her forever.

I mean, no one's come out on top with that exchange.

But what was he thinking, though?

He was thinking, why doesn't she just shave it off?

So was he trying in his mind he was sort of offering some practical advice?

Yeah.

Like, hey, you're a woman.

But that's patronising in and of itself.

Like, most women don't like having beards.

Why don't you shave it off?

He didn't think it through.

Why didn't he go the extra step and think about how she would feel?

She wouldn't want to shave it off anyway because that just makes it stubbly.

Exactly.

Wax it off or one of those burning chemicals.

Laser, a bit of laser.

That's the way I'm sitting.

Sure I do.

You've got your legs crossed and you're sat sideways to the desk there.

Facing Adam.

It's very nice.

Like some sort of idiot on some kind of Channel 5 news program.

Like an uncle.

Yep.

Next then.

I'm not going to sit like that anymore.

Tom and Dorset, what were you thinking though?

My goodness.

Incidentally, I like ladies.

I mentioned this before.

I like ladies with a bit of facial hair.

You like men with a bit of facial hair as well.

I like anyone with a bit of facial hair.

You just like hair.

I like a downy mustache on a girl.

I really do.

Do you go through barber's bins?

and then take bags of it home and still have them in a cupboard.

I'll tell you one thing I really did do, which my wife discovered the other day and flipped out.

The first time I grew my beard in 2005, it was really massive and bushy.

I went to Edinburgh and I was doing this show, so I had a crazy pirate beard.

And then when I came back and I trimmed it, I didn't shave the whole thing off, but I trimmed it massively.

You kept the bits?

Sure did.

In a little bag.

In a little box.

You might have told us this story before, and then your wife came across the hairy box.

Yeah, she flipped.

What did she think it was?

She didn't know what it was.

She probably thought it was her mother.

What the hell is this?

And she couldn't figure out what it wasn't.

She didn't know what part of the body it had come from?

Well, obviously not.

You could have been engaged to some Johnny Knoxville style pubey beard stunt.

Right.

And she was saying, what are you?

And when I explained, she's like, why have you kept this?

I couldn't give a good answer to that question.

Uh, how would you pronounce the name G-I-L-L?

Gill.

From Essex.

Could be Jill.

It's Gill.

Gill.

During my career as a school teacher, I was on playground duty when a little girl came up to me and said so sweetly, Miss, your bottom looks just like a horse's.

Oh wait, Miss, it is Jill then.

Then skipped off happily.

Oh, the honesty of children.

Your bottom looks brutal, isn't it?

Your bottom looks like a horse.

Have your kids said really brusque things to you?

Kids say the funniest things.

No, I was talking the other day about how sophisticated particularly my eldest son is with his sense of empathy.

So he doesn't say hurtful things.

He's very considered.

It's very touching the way he thinks about people's feelings.

He doesn't do that.

Good for him.

Well, keep those messages coming in, listeners.

The text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

I should say please to the listeners.

I mean, otherwise that just sounds like some kind of bossy command.

Yeah.

Please, please, listeners.

Hey, please, come on, listeners.

Help us.

Listen, sorry about everything, right?

Yeah.

But help us out.

We're a couple of desperate losers.

Housewives.

We just need a couple of desperate housewives.

Here's the Chemical Brothers right now.

This is the Golden Path.

That is Kevin Coyne there, isn't it?

Singing on the Golden Path.

Wayne Coyne.

Kevin Coyne's a different guy, isn't he?

A different pop man.

All the coins, though.

You know, they're all jingling, jangling around in the big pop wallet there.

That was the Chemical Brothers with the Golden Path with Tony P. Coyne singing on top of it.

Now, listen, folks.

We're going to talk about Boggins here right now.

And don't worry, he's nowhere near the studio, right?

We've made sure that he was safely in his kennel before we came in this morning.

So if you've got a problem with the way he sounds, don't worry about it.

He's not going to be in here.

But we have to deal with the avalanche of correspondence that we've received about our little doggy friend, Chum.

And Joe was even at the beginning of the show saying, you know... I was.

Perhaps we shouldn't even talk about him, perhaps we shouldn't even mention him because it has polarised the listeners to such a degree that... I was berating you for making an executive decision and announcing on our blog that we would continue to cover blog-ins.

Blog-ins?

Well, I just said that, you know, we are going to respond to the messages that people are sending in, right?

Because we're getting a lot of messages about it.

So why would we ignore all the strong feelings of our listeners about the little stinky man dog?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do know what you're saying.

For example, here is a letter.

This is the kind of letter that basically has unsettled, particularly you, Joe.

And I think it's unsettled both of us a little bit.

This is from Corin Co.

Martin.

I don't know how you pronounce that.

She's from the Department of International Development at the University of Oxford, clearly an intelligent professional woman.

And this message seems absolutely sincere.

She says, whenever Boggins is around, my hands automatically reach for the stop play button.

So I guess she's listening on the iPlayer or whatever.

Not sure why, but I can't stand him, and he's been ruining my fun.

It would really help if you had a warning that says, warning this show features boggins, then I would know that I can give the whole show a miss, rather than stop halfway through completely exasperated and frustrated.

I've been a long-standing fan, but this feels like the end of a beautiful affair.

And just because of a stupid dog, how could you?

Corin Comartine.

So the question is, and we've been discussing this in between songs, what's the deal?

To deconstruct this in a very literal way, is she being absolutely serious there?

Or is she joking a little bit?

Is she getting into the spirit of being scandalised by boggins and joking about how much she hates him and taking it to an extreme?

Or what?

Because we don't want to genuinely

Shedd listeners who were but then if she was that scandalized by she'd be a nutcase though, wouldn't she?

It's not like boggins is in every link Yeah, well, there's an ontological issue at the center of that question.

That's also at the center of the whole boggins debate right ontological it's from the Greek of What I've got it up on the internet here just to make because I knew you'd ask me this.

Yeah, it's from the Greek I can't tell you what Greek

Uh, it is, but it's about the nature of being existence or reality.

Ah, right.

So, um, you know, is she being truthful or is she sort of role-playing?

Yeah.

Is Boggins, I mean, Boggins is a fictional dog.

We've made that clear.

Yeah.

So, you know, he's not real and were we to kill him?

That would not be real.

And you see, there's an ontological question at the core of both questions.

It's so weird because there's such a sophisticated level of role playing and fantasy involved with boggins and with the interaction that we're getting from listeners as well.

Some people very seemingly very sincere about wanting to kill him.

Other people seemingly very sincere about loving him and writing songs for him and stuff like that.

It's very hard to pick apart

the fantasy and the reality now.

They've become enmeshed in a troubling way.

And it freaks me out that we actually would lose a lot of listeners just because of this dog.

Well, I think there's two things here.

Some people don't like the sound physically.

They find it irritating.

Other people think to have a sort of fictional dog on a Saturday morning radio show is maybe a slightly cheesy and tired, predictable thing to happen because there have been many fictional dogs

in radio history, haven't there?

I can think of one.

Well, there's been one.

I bet you there's more than one.

I bet you people could come up with other DJ dogs.

Yeah, but he's not.

They haven't been as sweet as Boggins.

No, or as stinky.

Boggins has his own skill set.

But anyway, yes.

So people might think that it's a silly Saturday morning kids show type thing to do, right?

So A, I don't think that's a problem.

B, it doesn't dominate the entire show, so if you had a problem with it, just deal with it.

C, it's not as if this fictional dog is fictional, is it?

Don't get into that.

For example, here's a message from Beth Jackson.

She's aged 10.

Dear Adam and Jo, me and my dad were listening to your show the other day, and you said you were going to put boggins down.

And please don't.

Because I love him, and even though he eats poo and stuff, he could stay with me.

That's from Beth Jackson, aged 10.

She says, PS, my dad loves your show, and he would love it if you read this out for me.

Three kisses there.

Thank you, Beth.

And that's sweet.

She's listening with her dad.

And are you worried that it's just going to become a kids show?

Well, I think younger listeners like boggins more than older listeners.

Right.

Older listeners are cruel and cynical and want to see the fictional dog slaughtered.

I'm not sure.

Younger listeners are full of joie de vivre and optimism and they want to see the dog thrive and live and cleaned up, medically dealt with.

Yeah.

And then here's a message from Anna and she says, and this is more about the kind of bonding effect of boggins.

Hello, Adam G. I just moved to Brighton with my bloke Tom, and he introduced me to your great show.

Being a new fan, I was curious if anyone else was listening in my office, which is one of those massive open plan floors with everyone huddled around their own piece of grey carpet space.

Anyway, so I said to my colleague, I thought quite quietly, what do you think of Boggins to test him out?

And suddenly 60 people across the office started shouting, love him!

And no!

Boggins needs to die!

It lasted an hour.

Do you believe that?

My boss took me away for a quiet word about disrupting the working day.

Why would she make that up?

I don't know.

That just seems too good to be true.

I tell you what would really convince is if people took their little, you know, mobile phone audio note recorders into an office and shouted something about boggins, then we could get a genuine response.

Do you know what I mean?

So what would conclude the boggins issue?

Like if someone said, if someone was to say, get rid of the dog or carry on chatting about the dog.

Well, look, it's not up to us.

The dog comes in here, when the door is opened, we have to deal with it.

I mean, it's not really our dog, so if we were to put him down, then we might get into trouble, for instance.

I think it's beyond our control.

But if there was one person that said, you know, you should get rid of him, who would that be and that you would listen to?

James, the producer, I think.

I think James has the ultimate decision on boggins.

What about Julian Reynolds?

Julian Reynolds?

yeah the critic the radio critic of the telegraph yeah do you think she has the authority she has probably a historical overview a broader perspective of radio and its various tropes and things that work and don't i've always remember her saying in a very nice review she's very supportive of us as well she said i started listening to adam and joe and i don't plan to stop she said that about a year ago but i wonder if boggan's made a stop we should find out maybe we should try and get in touch with her yeah that's what worries me

So there you go, and you'll notice that there was no little dog.

Why are you laughing?

So there you go.

As if you just finished some sort of report from a front line.

It is!

It's important political debate!

That's what the show's all about!

This is a track about Roxy music and it's quite a good Roxy music impression that he does in this.

I mean, he's a stone throw away from Brian Ferry vocally anyway, isn't he, Bernhardt?

Bernhardt.

And this is called 16th and Valencia Roxy Music.

Pharaoh Montch.

There.

You knew all about Pharaoh Montch, Joe.

Montch to Montch.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's good.

I've never heard of Pharaoh Montch before.

He's good.

But that's such an exact recreation of a 70s sound, though, isn't it?

It's probably a sample.

Right.

Unisemple.

And so what are you talking about?

It's like a piece of selection from the song.

You can't do that.

That's not legal.

You can now.

No, then you can't do that.

So you can't just go take someone else's song and use it in your song.

Do you?

That is not legal.

What are we doing now?

I've got a free play coming up, boy, and I'm going to play some David Bowie.

People were complaining about the fact that we seem to play a lot of late period Bowie.

We don't focus on the classic years, which I would say, broadly speaking, I think this is uncontroversial, are pretty much all his seventies albums, right?

I mean, he had more than any other artist I can think of, a clear run of absolute solid gold smash albums in the seventies.

I think every single one of them had at least something pretty great on it, you know, even pinups, which is his album covers, which is, you know, hey, hey, I love it.

I'm saying off.

It's great.

So rude.

When did you last release an album?

When did you last release a run of classic albums in the 70s?

I did it in the 70s.

What kind of a high horse are you standing on, Box?

That's true.

That's a very good point, Joe.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Adam Soap-Boxton.

Yeah.

But listen... I thought of Storchard, wasn't it?

No, it was good.

Thanks.

Other people, like Jonathan Ross, he plays a lot of classic 70s bowie, right?

So I thought it would be nice if we focused on the less often played parts of his magnificent canon.

And I'm going to play a track from Let's Dance.

And Let's Dance was the first Bowie album that I remember being very disappointed by.

Now that seems strange, doesn't it?

Because it's a great album, but it scrambled my circuits.

It was the first 80s album.

It was the first Bowie album I was excited by.

It wasn't the first 80s one, because Scary Monsters was 1980, I think.

And you really loved it, did you?

Yeah, I really loved it.

Because it was all Nile Rodgers and right up your alley.

Yeah.

I didn't get it completely, right?

Well, you wouldn't, would you?

No, because I'm very slow and linear in my thinking.

But I love it now, obviously.

And this is one of my favorite tracks.

You're not going to have enough time to play any of it now that you've waffled for so long.

Now you're waffling.

Now it's you that does the waffle.

Here's Shaky.

A waffle, waffle, waffle.

Love it.

David Bowie there with Shake It, and we're a little bit late for the news, but here it is.

It's 11.30, BBC Six Music.

Manic Street Preachers from Despair to Where?

Is that what it's called?

Yeah.

Sodom and Joel on BBC Six Music.

I've got this note on my script, my list of things to talk about, about Lilo Games.

I really want to chat about it, but it's winter now.

Yeah.

And so it doesn't seem appropriate, but it's appropriate just to remember the summer.

You even wanted to do it as a text donation, didn't you?

I did.

That's too Lilo Games!

I love Lilo Games.

I want to talk about it.

What about Lilo and Stitch?

I don't like that so much.

Do you think it could be a nice thing to talk about?

Because it's obviously quite wintery now.

What about people who hate Lylos and might switch off if we start talking about Lylos?

I don't think Lylos divide people like Boggos do.

Wow, yeah.

Boggos the Doggos.

Dear Adam and Jo, I've been a long standing fan, but when you started talking about Lylos, that was really the last straw.

I had to smash my radio against my husband's face.

What's your favourite Lylo game?

in a swimming pool.

Do you do the one where you try and build a bridge across the swimming pool with Lylos?

And then try and run across it.

It can be very dangerous because if the pool's too narrow and you slip you could hit your head.

Smash!

You have to be very careful and when you land on the first Lylo you don't know which way you're going to fall.

Sure it is.

So there's a risk you could fall backwards and hit your head so do be very careful.

Classic Lylo fun.

You also have to have friends in the pool holding the Lylos together so they don't drift apart before you make the run.

You also have to apply for a Lylo license.

You have to have another license.

before you stop.

Do you like that game?

Sure, everyone loves that game.

Do you like the game where you pile lots of Lylos up and try and stand on top of them?

That's a good game.

Do you ever try and stand up on one Lylo?

Yeah.

See how long you can stand up?

Sure.

It's impossible.

No one can do it.

I can.

Do you ever try and push the Lylo under the water and make it... Are you talking about single Lylo here?

Well, I try and buy as many cheap Lylos as I can for a holiday.

I mean they puncture easily, but they're cheap.

Push it under the water and what?

It's good to have quantity.

Push it under the water and what?

Do you ever try and push it right under the water so it sits on the bottom of the pool?

We're still talking about Lylos here.

Yes.

Nice Yeah Yes, what I'm thinking about something else Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do do you see so that's the end of the lilo conversation.

That's good man Do you have a race them?

That's my favorite game lie on them on your belly and then do the forward to know you crawl the front

I sit in the middle so that both ends go up like that.

Oh, you're one of those are you sure sure I see and so it's like you're in a little floaty car.

Yes, so the front and back go up It's like a car if the bonnets flipped up you can't see where you're going position yourself So the bonnet you have to lean a bit during your streamline You see I would be beating you on my line flat on my lilo.

Yeah, I'm terribly aerodynamic Are you really like a really long plank?

Oh, if you're lying, Dan, it's a totally different thing.

Well, it's a lilo, not a sit-lo.

Oh, dear.

God, so angry.

You really hurt me.

You really hurt my feelings.

Good.

Do you have a bit of music and then come back with text the name?

I haven't finished talking about Lilo.

Now I've finished.

That's the air coming out of Joe's conversation.

Ha ha ha!

Here's Passion Pit.

I win!

With little secrets.

That's almost too rich a confection.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Too many delicious ingredients.

I like it.

I think it was fun.

Yeah, I thought it was fun too.

Fun for the kids.

But so, so much fun that I was almost sick.

Too much fun.

Like the first line of Cheryl Cole's current pop hit is something like, too much of anything makes you sick.

Fairly true.

I mean, that's true.

That is a truism.

That is practically true.

And there's much truth to it.

But as the first line of a pop song, I mean, I'm very literal minded, but all that makes me think of is someone vomiting.

And that's not what you want in a pop song, though, is it?

The kids love vomiting.

That's true.

They do.

It's a very visceral experience for them.

It's the big vomit marketing.

She's going for the pukers.

The puke market.

Hey, listen, shall we do one more quick text the nation?

Yeah.

Shall we have a jingle?

Can you manage a jingle?

Because there's quite a good one.

here.

This is a chap called Peter.

I'm going to keep his surname secret just in case we are exposing, you know, a vulnerable part of his existence here.

He says a very famous American musician friend of mine,

a very famous American musician friend of his a few years back asked what I thought of his new record and that he'd respect my honest opinion as always.

I told him that instead of making a double album maybe he should have made it a single record with just the good songs on it.

I told him that to me I thought a lot of the songs were filler and not in any way vital.

He thanked me for my honesty, we hung out for the rest of the night.

Then later that week, I saw him interviewed on TV, and when he was asked about the new record, he rather dejectedly said, well, I was really proud of it, but apparently people think we should have just made it a single album and dropped the rest, so I don't know.

Who could it be?

He looked a bit gutted.

I felt really bad about it, but have never brought it up again with him.

Who's a big double album meister?

Could be Axl Rose, could be Prince, the Purple Ponce.

But I can't see Prince being too hurt by that kind of, or seeking counsel in that way anyway.

But that's usually good advice.

I mean, there are so many times when that would have been brilliant advice for someone.

Just chop it down, get rid of the filler, just keep the killer.

Our general stance is to lie when a friend asks you whether you think anything's good or not.

I mean, just tell them it's really good.

Don't you think like if you if you do if you have a friendly relationship with someone, if they're asking you on a friendly basis, what did you think of this or that that I just done?

You are supportive.

That's that's my default position.

I don't see any point unless you're being paid for your professional opinion.

Like if you're a producer or a good approach, just be balanced.

Yeah.

So before you say the bad things, think of two good things.

Well, exactly.

Focus on the good stuff.

Yeah.

But then sometimes it's too obvious that that's what's happening.

Peter says, now, when any band's asked me what I think, and I've got criticism in mind, I deliver the stock answer.

Quote, I can see what you're doing with it.

It's just not my cup of tea.

End quote.

Is that any better?

I think that's kind of a little bit soft pedaling and maybe even harsher.

It's hard to hear.

But again, you know, he's in a professional situation there, though.

So that's fair enough.

Anyway, you can contribute to Text the Nation by email during the week, adamandjo.6musicatpbc.co.uk, and your submission could appear in Retro Text the Nation next week.

Imagine!

Imagine.

No texts during the week, please.

You'll be wasting your money and your time!

Right now, this is a bit of a free play.

This is Paul Williams from the Bugsy Malone soundtrack.

And I warrant that the songs Paul Williams wrote for Bugsy Malone are the best suite of songs specially composed for a film ever.

I wouldn't challenge that.

That's a daring statement.

What about Grease?

I prefer Bugsy Malone to Grease.

There's a lot of different artists on the Grease soundtrack though.

Exactly.

It's not so pure.

No.

This is called Bad Guys.

Lovely staff.

That's Bat Flashes with Priscilla.

Well, folks, that's it.

We've run out of time.

Thank you so much for tuning in and listening to our show this week.

We've got an important announcement to make before we leave you, though.

Yeah, from the 5th of December, this very programme will start an hour later, at 10am, and go on until 1am.

So it's exactly the same show, just forward-shifted by an hour, giving us an extra hour in bed.

giving Black Squadron an extra hour in bed.

I mean, we need to discuss and think about this because obviously it's less impressive to get up at 10.

Come on.

Well, it is.

I mean, it's an hour less impressive.

Yeah.

So should they still be Black Squadron?

You know, we've really got to think that through.

But next week, how many weeks until we are at 10?

Next week is our last week.

OK, so next week we have to decide

Yeah, next week maybe it should be an ultimate Black Squadron command.

Sure.

Something that really pushes them.

Yeah.

But we're not going to disband the squadron though, right?

Well, we need to discuss it.

Oh my God, I fear change.

And George Lamb is going to be taking over on weekend breakfast, stepping in instead of Yarae.

Everything else will remain the same.

Although Richard Bacon is joining the family, his show starts at 3pm in the afternoon.

That'll be in a couple of weekends time, I think.

uh so wow it's all changing you got we're gonna be crossing over with lamb in the morning slam in the lamb slam in the lamb how's that gonna be well we're gonna find out aren't we he's very confident very cocky and cheeky handsome as well i think i think uh he'll walk all over our faces i've got a feeling i'm gonna fall in love with that guy

Stay tuned.

Full is Kershaw.

She's coming up.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you to everybody who's contributed to Text the Nation and in other respects.

Yeah.

And don't forget our podcast will be available on Mondays and evenings.

Yeah.

And this show is also available during the week on Listen Again.

And pay a visit to the blog.

Thanks for caring.

I love you.

Bye.