The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (14 November 2009)

There'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then eventually the whole thing will just end.

Fabulous stuff, that's talking heads there with Psycho Killer.

Hey, it's Adam and Joe here.

Hey, this is Joe speaking.

Hey, this is Adam speaking.

Do you know some people still can't tell which of us is which?

We do have a similar kind of a cadence to our voices, but you, Joe Cornish, are trained.

No, it's complementary.

Are trained a trained radio for speaking, presenting person.

I had two hours of training.

And your voice is very even, always easily heard.

That's nice of you to say.

Whereas mine tends to fluctuate, skitter around.

People prefer your voice.

I'm not sure that's true.

Ladies think it's sexy.

You know, I was going to talk about this later on, but I was listening to the podcast in the car the other day with my beautiful wife.

And over the engine noise, it was very easy to hear everything you said perfectly, beautifully, crystal clear.

It was not so easy to hear a lot of what I was saying, because when I was speaking like this in a kind of normal way, fine, everything's fine.

But then when I start shouting if I get angry about something,

Which does happen!

Mmm, it's the exact same frequency as a car engine.

It blows out a little bit, yeah, and it starts interrupting the car engine, the wheels start shuddering.

It's like when you wind the window down.

Wheels start shuddering, what it creates a reverberative effect.

You know, like when you wind the window down a little bit and you get a kind of Doppler effect.

Yes.

A little bit like that.

A Doppler effect.

Is that what it's called?

I don't know.

No, Doppler effect is like...

You know there's a thing if you drive along an avenue in France on a sunny day and there are stroboscopic shadows that pass over your car like that.

It can make you go a bit mental.

Is that the Doppler effect?

I don't know!

Someone will tell us.

One of our listeners, the other thing I sometimes do is I speak quite softly.

And that's totally inaudible on the podcast over the carnals.

Well, what an idiot hole you are.

This is my point.

How many podcasts now?

90,000.

Something like 93.

And you've made a complete pig's ear hole of it all?

This is the thing.

We've even had letters about this in the past, which I have poo-poo'd.

Well, that serves you right for poo-pooing in lessons.

Well, I've learned a lesson.

I've, you know, I'm- Serves you right for posting your poo-pooing.

The poo-poo came right back at me.

And I'm sorry about it.

Listeners, I'm gonna do my best to speak in an even- even- on an even keel.

So, um, of course, anyone who's listening to this live is a member of Black Squadron, the secret covert elite listening force that this show enjoys.

Isn't that correct?

That is correct, because you're up at an ungodly hour, which is 9am on a Saturday morning.

On the day the world ends.

Exactly.

Mmm 2012 I thought yeah, what no it's just very gray and rainy.

Oh here in London There's an apocalyptic feeling in the it is absolutely Mel Gibbons out there, but of course last week.

We had the very capable Justin Lee Collins and Andrew Dice clay Filling in for us, right?

Yeah, they're real nice and herring are Collins and herring Andrew Collins and Richard Herring and they did a superb job Thank you very much to them.

Yeah, we were honored.

You know We're always fun.

Just overcome

We were really honored that they stepped in to fill in for us.

Yeah, that's classy.

Amazing people depping for us.

But they issued a black squadron command and their command was to send in a photo of yourself visually approximating you and I, Adam and Joe.

So I guess a lanky one and a beardy one.

And it's not insulting to say you're beardy, you've got a beard.

Listen, I was genuine thanks because I thought maybe you would go for other physical characteristics.

There you go.

Long and stumpy.

And they got 18 responses.

So you know what?

I mean, for them, that's disappointing.

But for me, for Black Squadron, that's kind of cool.

Because the majority of Black Squadron said, no, we're not taking orders from these substitute leaders.

Do you know what I mean?

No, not any old person can swan in and give us an order.

It's got to come from Count Buckley's and Torpedo Commander Cornball's.

Decorated ranking offices.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

So in a way, congratulations to those 18 people who sent in photos of themselves as us.

But in another way... How dare you!

You've been court-martialed.

Get out of the squadron.

Because the previous week, when our abstract Black Squadron command was problem biscuits, we had 121 responses.

They were very good.

That was quite an abstract command and required a lot of thinking in the squadron.

There is going to be another command in a second.

It's a simpler command.

It's a slightly artistic command.

And we must warn you at this stage to use non-toxic pens.

Be very careful what pen you use to execute the command.

We take no responsibility for the ink that you use and the effect it might have.

yeah on you when you do the command immediately after joe issues the command we will be playing some music from mariachi el bronx a track called litigation what do we know about this they're a us punk band also known as the bronx this is from their fourth studio album released in september of this year they're on tour in the uk i've never heard of these people jeez you can't just spring these people on us i mean there's a picture of them apparently and then he's got no pants on him he's

Are they on the lav?

No, he's got no pants, but he's protecting his modesty with his hands.

He's on the lav.

They're in a cubicle.

They're all crowded into a lavvy cubicle.

That's exactly what you'd expect from the US punk band, also known as the Bronx.

And as soon as Joe issues the command, we will fire into Mariachi L Bronx.

It's a photo command, of course.

We're asking you to obey the command and then take a photo of the results of your abation.

That's not it is now a bad tree probation and the number is six four zero four six That's that's the text number.

The email is Adam and joe dot six music at BBC dot co dot UK Text will be charged at the standard call rate.

Yeah, I'm just making that up.

No one's told me to say that.

All right.

This is the kind of thing that people say good James very good

And yeah, you must be prepared for it to be published on a blog which is accessed by billions of people internationally, right?

That's a slight exaggeration.

Yeah.

But it's worth saying anyway, are we ready then?

Yeah.

Stand by Black Squadron.

Here is your command.

Felt Penta 2!

It's described as a punk band here.

Does that sound punky to you?

Well, it's sort of... It sounded quite polished.

Yeah, it is.

I mean, that's not what punk's all about, isn't it?

No, it's not.

Has the meaning of the word changed a bit?

Punk, I mean, it covers a whole range of things, doesn't it?

I mean, originally, punk is just a kind of a sneer.

It's a word that's been around for hundreds of years.

And it was really only used... Tell us a bit about the history of the word punk, starting now.

What was William Shakespeare that first coined the word punk to describe some of the bands that were coming out of New York?

70s.

Some fun facts about punk for you there, listeners.

So how are you doing, listeners?

How's your week been?

How's your week been, Joe?

It's been all right, thanks very much.

The big thing that happened to me that got me very excited while we were away, because we've been away for a couple of weeks in case you didn't know, was that we got a message through, we've got different agents, myself and Joe, but my agent sent a message through

that got me quite excited, because usually you get a lot of requests through in the week.

I mean, I get hundreds.

You do, don't you?

It's an empty dustbin.

Yeah.

Empty that dustbin.

My, these weeds.

Why haven't you emptied that dustbin?

Exactly.

What are these crumbs doing around the bed?

What are all those dustbin bags doing around that lab post?

The children need bathing.

When will you be home?

That kind of thing.

So it was exciting to get a message that was titled Stella McCartney request.

Yes.

From my agent, right?

Oh, I was thinking about this the other day.

And so I thought, what the heck ins?

And I thought it's going to be some like, you know, boring PR circular or something like that.

So click, click on the message.

It's only an invitation from Stella to turn on the lights in her Stella shop for an invited audience of around 300 family and friends.

Oh, no.

Can you imagine the kind of family and friends that will be present at Stella McCartney's Christmas light shop opening switching on ceremony?

I mean, last year she had Peter Kay doing the honours, right?

Peter Kay started by seeing a couple of numbers in his Peter Kay way with Paul McCartney.

The year before that, she had, I think, Matt and Dave from Little Britain.

In the past, she's had the fast show guys turning on the lights.

This is illustrious company, right?

And she is asking us.

So I immediately think, like, maybe there's been some mistake and someone's pulled out at the last minute.

No, no, this was a genuine ask, right, for me and Joe to do this for Stella.

And so I said, yeah, I'm up for it if Joe is.

Joe wasn't up for it.

You know what?

I didn't really think about it that much.

All I thought about was how, uh, paralytically excruciating I would find it to stand up in front of those people and sing some song wars song.

Here's the thing.

I probably would too.

Well, you know what?

About a week later I suddenly realised, well, maybe Paul McCartney would have been there.

Seriously, that popped into my head.

But then I thought, well, is that the right motivation for doing it?

Should one really do something like that?

Just because I want to like schmooze with amazing people.

It's not a question of schmoozing.

She herself is a legendary fashion designer.

Her father happens to be one of the most influential and important things in music.

Is that the right reason to do something?

Yes!

Yes.

In this case, yes.

What would one hope to get from it?

An anecdote.

To tell your children.

Would you want to make friends with them?

What would be your fantasies the night before?

Well, obviously the fantasy is that you all get on very well in a lifelong friendship.

And then you become a friend of their McCartney's.

Yeah, exactly.

That's the fantasy.

But worst case scenario, it's an absolute disaster.

Yeah.

You and I humiliate ourselves.

Yes.

There's absolute silence.

Yes.

Guy Ritchie rushes over and punches you for inadvertently insulting Stella.

Why is that the worst case scenario?

But this is an excellent scenario.

This is the best case scenario.

Paul McCartney is livid about how inadvertently rude we've been about Stella's latest clothing range.

He runs over, lamps me in the face.

You would love that.

says that I'm never allowed to listen to a Beatles record ever again in my life.

Just him touching you would be amazing.

Stella McCartney starts crying and has a spanned... I tell you what would happen, we'd turn up and it would be another woman called Stella McCartney.

Yeah, who designed all her friends.

Yeah.

That's what would happen.

Here's the thing.

Here's the punchline, right?

Guess who they've got to replace us?

You.

Do you know?

On your own.

No, I don't.

You don't.

The Mighty Boosh.

Ah, there you go.

I mean, that's not bad, is it?

They'll be great.

Of course, they'll be great.

They'll be a lot better than we.

I mean, I'm amazed she didn't go to them first.

Maybe she didn't.

They weren't able to do it.

But I don't know if they are actually doing it.

I don't know if they've said yes, but I probably shouldn't even be talking about anything.

You probably shouldn't be talking about it.

I'm never going to get asked again.

No, exactly.

But anyway.

I'm sorry, man.

That's OK.

I mean, I'm going to take a lot of kicking from the listeners, probably, for that decision.

Something felt a bit wonky about it.

You're probably right.

I definitely go round to Dindins.

Oh, would you?

Yeah, but if there's like a public show, then I'm not sure.

Yeah, well, we were going to be like kind of performing monkeys, but I would have been absolutely fine with that.

You should have done it on your own.

They didn't warn me on my own.

They said they were after a double act.

There should be some kind of standing for me who's got more chutzpah.

A big kind of cardboard cutout.

Yeah, that's all I do anyway.

No one would notice the difference.

Here's a free play for you listeners.

I've been enjoying Devendra Banhart's new album.

He's a kind of stylistic magpie, particularly on this record.

Usually he does his warbly folk thing.

But on this one, it's like he's going through every kind of musical style he can think of and doing a pretty good job of making lovely tunes out of them.

Here's his cod reggae number, which is pretty good.

You like cod reggae, right?

What sort of a thing is that to say?

You do!

You've come in before and said, I love cod reggae.

Let's have some cod reggae.

Have I?

Yes.

And what did I play?

Well, in that instance, I think you played some real reggae, but I mean, maybe you played musical youth, which is somewhere in between.

There's a really terrible Jamiroquai cod reggae track that I like for the most reasons.

I love cod reggae.

Called Sailing Along.

I like Thomas Dolby's cod reggae.

I like Joe Jackson's cod reggae.

And here's some Devantra Banhart cod reggae.

This is fooling.

What's a Skindy?

It's Skindy.

A Skindy on a Jones.

He's a very badly sunburnt archaeologist.

And he comes after you.

Why do you have to watch out for him?

Because you've got an icon in your pocket.

I see.

Listen, we've had an amazing response to the Black Squadron command, which was felt pen tattoo.

I don't know where to start.

We've had lots and lots of pictures.

Nipples, bums, thighs, shoulders.

You didn't show me the nipples once.

Well, it's a man's nipple.

There it is.

Well, a lady has written a made-up joke on her back, even.

And it's not a good made-up joke.

Give her a name check, is her name there?

She hasn't written her name.

A lot of them are anonymous.

Well, the photo only goes down to her Butox, so her name may be written in another world that we can't see in this photograph.

It says, I love Adam and Jo, made up joke.

What does Father Christmas say when he eats sweet corn?

Ho, ho, ho, green giant.

Somebody's written Adam and Jo on the side of a horse.

Is that cool?

Yeah.

I don't know whether that's cool.

I don't know whether that's something we should encourage.

I would hope it's a kind of organic ink they've used.

Yeah.

But let's assume it is.

In which case, yes, it's coarse graffiti.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't get much.

It's not a horse in a field.

It's a horse.

It's obviously the person's horse.

Yeah.

It could be Noggins, the Adam and Jo horse.

Absolutely.

Because you wouldn't want to encourage animal graffiti, would you?

No.

Is that something that kids generally stop at that, don't they?

Do they?

I don't know, I don't know.

It's certainly you're right, it's not to be encouraged.

No.

But thank you to everyone who sent a photo in, that's fantastic.

I mean there's so many, it's

hard to to pick which one to choose but obviously we didn't prescribe what to tattoo on the body so lots of some people have drawn our faces and drawn nice messages about the show other people have written more disturbing things

in more disturbing ways.

But of course the acceptable highlights of those photos will go up on our blog as soon as possible and we will count them up for the end of the show.

Or next week we'll give a number count and see exactly how many fully qualified Black Squadron members are out there.

Because you love stats.

I love stats.

You absolutely love stats.

They call me stato.

Johnny Graphface.

That's not a good name.

I'm not saying it's a brilliant name for you.

That's what they call you.

Yeah.

Because you love graphs and stats.

It is 9.30 here on BBC Six Music.

It's time for the news.

So I was just pointing out that we haven't stood down Black Squadron and suggesting that we play the jingle to stand them down.

James Sterling, the producer, Adam Buxton, seemed to think we didn't need to do that.

that we could let that slide, you know?

We didn't play the stand-to-attention jingle at the beginning of the show.

As a Black Squadron commander, I feel strongly that we should play the jingle, you know?

Right.

It's like the Manchurian candidate.

We've got to deactivate them otherwise God knows what'll happen for the rest of the day.

They'll all just carry on tattooing.

They have to be stood down.

Start tattooing strangers, going up to old ladies, tattooing them in the face.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, fair enough.

Stand him down.

Tattooing babies.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bun

There you go.

That's better.

Incidentally, just before that, we played Do You Remember the First Time?

That was Pulp, of course, from way back in 1994.

Jarvis Cocker, ex of Pulp, will take over Sunday Afternoons here at BBC Six Music.

He's going to be on from 3.30 to 5.30pm, from the 10th of January, 2010, when we make contact.

That'll be cool.

Yeah, it'll be amazing.

I saw him at the Fantastic Mr. Fox premiere.

He plays a part of it, doesn't he?

He does.

He sings a little song and there's an animated version of him.

And I saw him there with his little son, Minnie Jarvis, dressed just like him.

And I very nearly went over and talked to him.

He's a very nice man.

Yeah.

Because I thought the six music thing could get me in there, you know.

Right.

Hey, I'm a fellow DJ.

Yeah.

But I didn't.

No.

Good story?

That is a good story.

Yeah.

I mean, this is how all our celebrity stories are ending, though, now, isn't it?

I could have done, but I didn't.

But I didn't.

That could be our biog.

That's right, the Adam and Jo story.

What's Ant and Dex one called?

We could have done, but we didn't.

Ant and Dex's biog is called What a Lovely Pair.

That's just about right, though, isn't it?

Do you think?

Yeah.

It's cheeky, it's fun, it's actually exciting.

It's an innuendo, isn't it?

They are a lovely pair, though, I do.

Hey, it's nearly... Is it this weekend, even?

I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!

I swear, what's my life come to?

I'm genuinely excited about that show coming back.

And I know that's sort of indefensible and right-thinking people a lot of the time find that show moronic and not easy to watch.

I think you're one of those people, aren't you, Joe?

But I absolutely love it.

Me and my wife, we genuinely love it.

We fall in love again every year when that show comes on.

Just sit there and look at each other in the eyes.

I love you, darling.

I love you too, darling.

And then it starts out in debt come on and we just hug each other and quake and cry and cry and laugh and laugh.

And then we talk about it afterwards, have a little deconstruction.

Oh, at first I thought that celebrities they got on looked like a boring lot.

How could they get drama out of this bunch of no-hopers?

But then it got exciting and by Tuesday I was hooked.

that kind of thing yeah yeah we chat to each other about all that stuff can't wait i really don't know what to say you like some of those kind of things though you like a lot of you like the x-factor right i like it before they go into the studio yeah that's what everyone says

Yeah, I agree with everyone.

You count out of everyone.

Music right now.

This is Regina Spector.

Is it Regina?

Yeah, or Regina.

I like to say Regina.

This is Eat.

Here we go.

We let that one fade all the way out.

No, because she was still doing stuff.

I didn't... Yeah, she was going...

Yeah, well that's important.

That's very important.

That's what she's known for.

Regina.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Last weekend we went to visit some friends and we had a long drive, me and my family, about four hours or something, so I loaded up.

I made a compilation for the car, right?

You've got to do that.

Who are these friends?

Where did they live?

They lived over in Sussex.

Okay.

So from Norfolk to Sussex?

Yeah, yeah, four hours.

Henry Etta and Jason we went to visit.

Oh, they're lovely.

They are lovely and we don't see nearly enough of them.

No, I've never seen them, I don't think, have I?

You may have done, yeah.

Yeah.

He's very handsome, she's very attractive, and they wouldn't really have anything to say to you.

That's me.

Oh.

You're confusing them with me and my girlfriend.

Anyway, so we went to see them, loaded up work, did the compilation for the car, and burnt off a few podcasts, right, from the show.

Because my wife generally doesn't get to listen, because she's always doing bits and pieces with the children, just too busy on a Saturday morning, etc.

And she certainly doesn't download the podcast.

So I like to keep her abreast of what I'm actually doing with my Saturday mornings.

Also, it's a nice opportunity.

So four hours in the car listening to yourself.

Yeah.

Chuckling along really loudly.

Wow.

Here's the thing.

I didn't get to chuckle along that much because she was so busy chuckling along at everything you said.

Ah, nice.

Clever woman.

Right?

Every single thing you said...

Snorts sometimes they were snorts right chuckling chuckling away always liked your wife and And then right we get to retro text the nation hmm on the podcast.

Yes.

She is singing along singing singing along Flipping retro text the nation jingle that Joe done and then throughout the rest of the day She's singing the jingle like to sell one ring around the head bright

Unbelievable and like so a couple of times she caught herself doing it when I was looking at him and She could see that I was actually genuinely a little bit disturbed by it So she had to stop herself doing it, you know, yeah, she couldn't stop it became like a problem for herself It's ridiculous.

Should we hear what she was singing?

Sure

I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Cause I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because Red's Road takes the nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the bin and forgotten about

letting it fade out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's important.

You know, we should credit James Richards, the gentleman that did the piano for that.

Yeah.

He didn't even do the music for that.

I didn't.

My wife.

That's pretty much down to James, any any power that has.

But your wife, you know, she's she has to live with you so she can fully contextualize your comments.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I do.

Like things are funnier and better coming from people who you don't really know the reality

of course of course I know I know I'm an escape for her you're a dreadful man prison fleshy bars mental chains rolls horizontal roll bars on my tummy but listen it's time for um retro tech

I was trying to switch the image from rolls of fat to a six-pack.

It's retro Text the Nation time.

This is the part of the show where we read out your contributions to the previous week's Text the Nation subject, even though, of course, Collins and Herrin were filling in for us last week.

So this is a two-week-old Text the Nation.

This is the Text the Nation we had about furious arguments that arise during family games.

Yeah, it's so old and confusing that I haven't got a single one.

Don't you?

No, I totally forgot to pick them and fill it them out.

I've only got two.

Have you?

Well, that's good.

It's brief.

Yeah.

All right.

This is from Scott Innes.

Rhymes with Guinness.

My granddad is entirely unable to admit when he's wrong.

This came to a head during a Christmas game of trivial pursuit some years back.

Asked to name the capital of Saudi Arabia, answer, Riyadh, he smiled slyly and claimed that this was a trick question.

There was no capital city.

He was shouted down by everyone else but refused to accept that the answer on the card was correct.

It must be out of date, he claimed.

When Tolter stopped being silly and accepted that he'd got it wrong, he left the room and returned wielding an atlas.

He leafed through it until he found the right page.

There was silence for a moment before he shut the book and said, well, the atlas is wrong too.

He sat in near silence for the remainder of the night.

Good for him, man.

That's good dad behavior, isn't it?

The Atlas is wrong.

The world is wrong.

This is a stupid Atlas.

Out of date.

What do you do when fact-checking needs to be done?

If you're having a Barney with your wife, are you immediately on Google there?

Well, of course technology's changed that, hasn't it?

Yeah.

Enormously over the last decade.

Yeah, my girlfriend tends to boot up the laptop at the drop of her hat.

Oh, she's the one that does it.

Yeah, she'll have Wi-Fi installed in her brain as soon as possible.

That's what I do as well in my wife's size.

Oh, there you go.

You're booting up Google, aren't you?

As soon as there's any disagreement.

I don't think that's the case, darling.

No, I think it is.

Well, let's just find out.

Yeah, one more, here's one more.

Dear Adam and Jo, this is from Fran in Pool.

My auntie has very long hair.

When she used to play Monopoly with my dad and my other auntie as children, a sweep of the hair would brush all the houses and pieces off the board and the game would have to come to an end and be declared a draw.

This is a thing I was talking about.

It's a good technique, don't you think?

Yeah, sure.

Just wipe it all off the board if you're losing.

Oh dear!

Swoosh!

Now I remember actually, although I can't credit it, there was another message from someone who got in a state playing monopoly and they got the car piece out of the box and just drove it all over the board saying, boy racer, boy racer, knocking all the... That's a clever idea.

Do you know Ridley Scott's new film is Monopoly?

No.

Hasbro, the company that make, I'm not sure whether they make Monopoly, but they make all those games.

They've been trotting around Hollywood for the last year or so, selling all the rights, trying to develop movies out of risk.

I'm not sure whether they've got a Coplunk one on the go yet, but it's only a matter of time.

But definitely risk is up and running.

You'll direct the Connect Four, right?

I'd love to direct the Connect Four one.

Wouldn't that be good?

It would be a terrorist thriller.

And they'd be explosive chips!

Yeah, and the explosive chips and a huge kind of Golden Gate Bridge underneath.

It would be like Die Hard 3.

You know, when they're running... Because Die Hard 3 is a bit like a game show anyway.

When they're running around New York, Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson trying to solve... Who's the villain?

What's his name?

What's the actor Jeremy Irons?

They're trying to solve his riddles.

So it's like that old TV game show 3-2-1 as a kind of explosive thriller.

That's what it would be like.

Very good.

Can't wait.

So he's going to get Rusty Crow in Monopoly.

Ridley Scott directing the Monopoly film.

And there's stuff about it online, how he's saying he's going to be true to the board game, as if it's like a great novel where you have to stick to the characters, how there's going to be a man in a little car and a top hat.

And just a big walking top hat on its own and a boot.

But which city will he set it in?

Because it's regional Monopoly, isn't it?

Depending on where you live, you can get it for your city, right?

Yes, of course.

Answer me that.

He could set it anywhere.

He could set it in space.

I've got the limited edition Star Wars monopoly.

It's all set in the Star Wars universe.

You could do it anywhere he wants.

You could do it up his bum.

You've got a free play right now.

I do.

I'm just being completely silenced by that comment.

Because it's such a good idea.

RSA are going to be on that.

What is my free play?

Hey Riddles.

Oh yeah, this is something you burnt off for me, Adam.

How do you say this chap's name?

Marcus Valle.

And he's a Brazilian singer-songwriter, correct?

Yeah.

And he's pretty popular over there in Brazil and also all around the world.

This is from his album.

Oh dear.

Previsao de Tempo.

What does that mean?

You're Spanish.

Previsao de Tempo.

He's Brazilian, I think.

and your Spanish yeah I don't know what that means something about time but this is a classic album of his yeah all his lovely stuff some of his stuff is a bit more cheesy Riffic did you know that he wrote the music for via Sesamo Brazil's version of Sesame Street no I didn't yeah he's a bit of a genius this guy check this out this is called Tira Améo

Very nice.

That's the Yeah Yeah Years from their album It's Blitz.

One of my albums of the year, Joe.

Really?

Absolutely, yeah.

And that was called Off...no, Heads With The Off.

Heads With The Off.

Are you sure?

There's Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

I don't know if I said that already, but it is.

And I was complaining a little bit about my wife's obsession with Joe's retro text, The Nation Jingle.

The thing that gets me right

is that I get a certain, you know, I do a lot of jingles, right?

I pump out the jingles.

And as I have admitted many times before on this show, and I think both of us do this, we use a lot of stuff that is supplied by GarageBand and other kind of music-creating programs like Logic and stuff.

Well, because they're clearance-free loops, right?

Clearance-free loops, but not only the loops, sometimes we sing over the prepackaged jingles that you get in there as well, right?

Not that often, but every now and again.

And, um, we're always fairly upfront about it when we do, but that doesn't stop people emailing in and pointing out the fact as if they've just rumbled our smelly-vanilli style.

And it drives me insane!

especially when there's also an avalanche of praise for Joe's retro-textination jingle, which is just a never ending of our launch.

And I'm kind of like a caught up in the huge snowball of praise that comes in every week.

And meanwhile, I get smacked in the face for doing my best to create new exciting jingle jungles for people.

For example, here's something that podcast only listeners will have heard thus far, which I created for last week's

podcast while we were away.

We did a special bespoke podcast.

And here's a little Bowie influenced thing that I created for it.

In a magical forest, sit a couple of gnomes.

They're doing a podcast for trees and for stones.

But it's not just the stones or just the trees, though, of course, they're the big podcast fans.

It's also for pixies and Dinosaur Julia and other reformed indie bands.

But the number one fan is the goblin king His name is Jared, listen close, you can hear him sing I love Adam and Joe

They're theatricality, it's so super-latitude I like listening with Brian P. No But they never read my texts or made up jokes out Even though they're amusing, so what's mad about anyway was a wuss

a bit of Bowie-based fun there.

That was exclusive to our podcast last week.

Don't forget, the podcast, of course, is available to download on a Monday evening, usually.

So what's the idea there?

Because that was framed with a point, wasn't it?

It was framed with the point that we got

a message from Charlie in Godelning.

He says, When I listened to your new jingle, Adam, the song I heard in the background was so familiar that I spent the good part of three minutes trying to remember where I'd heard it.

Then I remembered, as I'm a fan of the CollegeHumor.com website, and one of their videos had the exact same piece of music in the background.

So basically, he says, you've just taken a demo song

and sung over it, risking coming off rude here.

But even though I enjoyed it, I would have expected more effort from you, question mark, Charlie Gothelming.

I agree with Charlie.

Little kiss, little kiss.

Little kiss just after the smack.

Little, little, little punishing kiss.

Little smack.

I agree with him.

What are you doing?

Why didn't you play the accordion yourself and the xylophone and also all the instruments?

Why didn't you compose that tune, you lazy old ragbag?

Adam Buxton replies.

At the risk of overreacting here, right, and sounding a little bit defensive, I just want to clarify a couple of things for people like Charlie and Godalming.

I am the Morrissey to Garage Band Stroke Logic's Johnny Marr, okay?

I do the lyrics and the singing for these jingles.

This is my prepared statement.

This is a prepared statement.

I do the lyrics and the singing and the software supplies the tunes as we've made clear on a number of occasions including just before the Bowie song when I said on the podcast I got it off logic.

I still spent a good few hours writing the words, singing and producing that track as well as the other jingle jungles!

What's the produce- what's the producing?

Go into more details about the producing.

putting like echoes on and stuff, and layering up all the voices.

Panning some of them to the left.

Panning some of them to the right.

That kind of thing.

OK.

Meanwhile, let's not forget, Cornballs is getting sent backing tracks by piano geniuses for his freaking retro-textination jingle.

And all he has to do is sit back and just luxuriate and rub himself in the fan mail.

I'm gonna rub himself in the fan mail.

Yeah, use it as like moisturiser.

I do bathe in it.

You do, don't you?

You just lie there and pour boiling water in and wait till the fan mail turns into a kind of sludgy lather and then you wash your hair in it.

Yes.

I know you.

So, you know, I don't want to read any more of these messages, what I'm saying.

You don't want anyone else to write it to complain.

No!

That could be a blanket policy for the program.

Only a praiseworthy email will get through.

Do you think that's a filter we could apply usefully?

Well, I mean, it seems a little undemocratic, doesn't it?

Yes.

Negative mail will be filtered out.

Filtered out negative mail.

Here's some music.

This is The Strokes with Last Night.

Ah, that is good, isn't it?

Last Night by The Strokes.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

I think it's time we jumped into text-a-nation this week.

Here's the jingle.

Text-a-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

And Text the Nation, this week, listeners was cleverly set up on our blog while we were away.

Yeah.

It's all about ways, things that happen that convince you you're psychic or friends you know who think they're psychic.

I think we said in the podcast that the title was, I think I'm psychic because... Yeah.

Now, I was doing some Twitter searching.

Uh-huh.

You love that.

I like to Twitter search.

You're not actually on Twitter.

You just surf for references to us.

Yep.

Is that strange to you?

Yeah.

Not necessarily just references to us.

I search all sorts of different things.

It's a good way to see what people are chit-chatting about and what they're thinking.

It's like a search engine for opinion.

Yeah, but I noticed that our Text the Nation subject had caught the attention of certain psychics.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and what's the woman's name?

What does the ghost programs?

Uh, Tina Scarry.

Like I think Yvette Fielding, or I don't know, maybe I was getting confused, but it seemed to me that Yvette Fielding had picked up on this.

And anyway, I came away from my late night Twitter search with the impression that a lot of professional psychic bodies are going to be listening to this segment of the show in order to shore up their psychic beliefs.

Sure.

So, is that exciting?

That is exciting.

But I'm sorry to disappoint them, but you know, we're after really idiotic examples of psychology, aren't we?

Not necessarily.

Are we?

No, that's not true.

They can be real.

Like, how are you on psychic abilities?

Do you believe in them?

Do I believe in them?

In the power of the mind?

No.

Do you not?

No.

Not having the power of the mind?

No, I don't believe that people have a controllable psychic power.

The power of the mind.

You know, if there's one X-Files type thing I do have some credence in, it's the power of the mind.

I believe in coincidence.

I believe that the subconscious is much cleverer than the conscious.

And sometimes it throws you a bone.

Does it?

Do you know what I mean?

Who is that?

The door has gone away now, whatever it was.

But do you know what I mean?

Sure.

Cognitive dissonance.

Yes, you're right.

Of course.

You're right It's it's the power of suggestion mainly isn't it in the way your mind works and then it works retroactively to make you think something spooky is happening Yeah, but let's hear what the listeners but you know what?

I mean, this is based on a good friend of mine who reckons he's psychic this this idea and and various things happen for instance, we were sitting on the sofa watching a televised greyhound betting channel Mm-hmm ever seen those

You phone in and you put your bet on the digital greyhounds and anyway, he guessed which greyhound would win.

Right.

Five times in a row.

Did he?

And while he was doing that, he was like, I'm psychic, I'm psychic, I'm psychic, I'm gonna do it again.

Okay, if it works this time, I'm definitely psychic.

Oh my god, I'm psychic, I'm gonna do it again, I'm psychic.

And then he really couldn't let this go and it was clear that in a bit of his brain he really did think he, I mean maybe he is, maybe I'm wrong to poo poo him.

But he really seemed to think he was psychic then.

Careful with the poo poo.

A couple of weeks later he came in to my house again and said that a friend of his had offered him a pack of cards and he just randomly guessed, he'd picked a card, he'd randomly guessed what it was, he got it right.

Is this Darren Brown we're talking about here?

It's not, no, this is not a professional magician man.

This is a normal man that works in a cinema.

So he's really... Whose brain is infected with fantasy.

And you know, it's a joke and he smiles, but you can see in his eyes that somewhere deep down he really thinks, oh my God, it could be me.

So that's the kind of thing I was after.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, I was talking in the podcast last week about my sister who went through a phase of thinking that she was blowing light bulbs with her mind.

I got another one.

Okay, we were on holiday, I had a big argument, me and my girlfriend had a bit of an argument on holiday, you know, that happens.

As our argument was reaching its peak, we were having an argument on a terrace overlooking a road.

As the argument reached its peak, he threw her over into the road.

No, a man on his moped just crashed right beneath us at the exact moment.

Like the fury.

Like the fury or carry, yeah.

He just came off his bike.

And it was so as if the psychic energy had pushed him off his bike.

And then a little lump in the back of my brain was going, carry white, carry white, creepy carry!

I believe in that stuff a little bit.

I think you can get psychic energy.

Vibes.

I mean, I should add that he'd hit an oncoming car.

It wasn't like he was just pushed off by an invisible force.

It's more prosaic, isn't it?

Like when you get arguments, that tends to make people behave irrationally in lots of other ways and pay less attention to what they should be doing.

I saw some great road rage yesterday, nearly kicked off.

Is this psychic?

No, this is a diversion and we'll ignore it.

But let's read out some messages right now.

That's good.

We're not usually that professional.

I know, sorry about that.

Not to tangentialise like that.

Well, it's an annoying thing.

Well done.

It was amazing.

And, uh, bump it to later.

Tell us about it a bit later.

Sure, sure.

Ian in Wimbledon, uh, sent in this, he actually posted this, um, oh no, no, he sent this in, I'm sorry.

And, uh, he says, hi, cornballs and count buccullis.

Back in the 1990s, I worked on a teen mag and I was invited to a press screening of the Tom Hanks Astro Vehicle Apollo 13.

What a great privilege.

Yeah.

It was held in a screening room at London's Planet Hollywood.

Ooh, privilege upon privilege.

Mini hamburgers!

And was organised in conjunction with Sega, the games company who were promoting their new Sega Saturn console at the time.

On entry to the cinema, guests were handed a raffle ticket.

And one lucky winner would go home raffle ticket.

would go home with a full-length and completely horrible branded leather jacket.

Only five in the world, they reckoned.

Five too many, really.

Anyway, my immediate thought on being handed the ticket was, Christ, I've won this stupid thing.

I'm going to have to get up in front of this room of strangers and go up on the stage, pick up this nasty jacket, and then I'm going to go to the pub tonight, so I'll have to cart it around with me.

What a pain.

So this is all just as he's been handed the ticket, right?

So I sat down at the end of the row to ease my journey up on stage.

while matey from Sega gave us some flim flam about how great this computer game was blah blah blah I was desperate for him to get on with it and put me out of my misery and was halfway out of my seat when he picked the raffle ticket out

So when he read out a different number to mine, I thought, surely some mistake.

I know I've won it.

At that point, some other bloke on stage whispered in the guy's ear, the Sega man's ear, and then the Sega man said, sorry, we'll have to draw again.

He picked my number out.

I had to carry the stupid jacket with me all night and eventually I gave it to my uncle for Christmas.

Bye!

Ian from Wimbledon.

So that's pretty weird.

He absolutely knew it was going to happen.

Everything about it.

And he just thought, oh, this is a done deal.

How do you explain that kind of thing?

Luck.

Thanks a lot.

This is what we want from you listeners, is your idiotic moments when you've thought your psychic or good moments, if they're really good.

You know, 64046 is the text number.

You can email edamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

We've got one or two others we had in during the week, but maybe we'll read them out a bit later.

Here's a bit of music.

This is Florence and the Machine with You've Got the Love.

She's a flowy, belowy dress lady.

I like her.

I tried to pet her but I crushed her.

I crushed her stamped on it.

I tried to blow it but I popped it.

That was Florence and the Machine we're talking about there.

I've got a free play coming up now listeners and for you I have chosen a track by a lady called Melanie and she is intimately associated with the flower power era of singing.

Yeah, what was her big hit?

Didn't she have a big hit, Melanie?

It's something like, mama, look what they've done to my tune or something.

Yeah, that was one of the first records I ever heard, I think, when I was a tiny, tiny child, yeah.

It's good.

My friend Danny Richards turned me on to Melanie, and she's good in an insipid way.

I'm going to play a song about vegetarianism that she's written called, I Don't Eat Animals.

And your brother's a vegan, right?

Is he still a vegan, Joe?

Yeah.

And have you ever been tempted to go veggie?

Actually, yeah.

Well, while I was away, the last two weeks, I thought about it a bit.

Yeah, because I was reading a bit of a book.

Yeah it's a good thing I've got a lot of sympathy and I tell you what I don't understand I don't really understand how people can get upset about fox hunting and stuff like that when animals are processed and farmed in the way they are.

You know?

You don't want to get into that area but that's what would make me go

vegetarian.

Right, right, right.

The sheer cruelty.

Uh-huh.

Yes, exactly.

And the scale of it.

There's loads of TV shows being done.

I do love bacon.

Hugh Fermi Whitting still did a good one.

That's the only hatch.

That's the big drawback, isn't it?

That's the only hatch.

I think that's what stops a lot of people.

Pocky chops.

A barbecue.

Oh, delicious burger.

That's the snag.

I don't really know how to balance the two feelings.

I was doing the show I do bug this week.

We show pop videos at the BFI.

One of the videos was a kind of POV thing, like told very fast about a kind of road movie with this guy having an affair with this dangerous woman.

It all ends badly.

But the only the big thing I thought while I was watching it was there's one scene in a restaurant, they get served a burger.

Mmm, look at that burger, it's delicious.

That looks absolutely delicious.

And it has stayed with me for the rest of the video.

I absolutely love burgers, so I couldn't really go to the vegetarian way of life completely.

However, Melanie has done, and she's very pleased about the fact.

And she's extremely pompous about it, and she talks about it in her song.

And this song also features... I mean, she was only 23, I think, when she did this track.

It's taken from her live album, which... Left Over Wine is the album.

Very good album.

So, she's only 23, right?

You've got to give her some slack.

But check out the intro for this song.

I'll just play the intro just quickly before we launch into the song, James.

I'll give you a little pause.

Is that not going to be possible?

Well, to heck with it, let's just play the whole thing.

But check out the intro.

And also, I was thinking I'd be interested in listening as if you can think... I was trying to think of other, like, the worst intros to songs ever, right?

Spoken intros.

And this has got to be up there for nauseatingness.

See if you agree.

This is Melanie.

I wrote this song in Columbus, Missouri.

I had a day off, so I wanted to go to the country.

And that wasn't very difficult, because Columbus, Missouri is the country.

And I walked outside my door, and I saw a big cow.

And I said, oh, move.

You know, don't you?

You know that I don't eat cows.

And the cow didn't say anything except, Melanie.

And so I wrote him this song, and I wrote it really for all the cows.

I thought that was quite nice.

It's a brilliant song and I love the sentiment as well.

The moo cow?

The moo cow.

Don't you ever look into the sort of blank bovine eyes of a moo cow and get profoundly moved?

Oh moo.

You know don't you?

I don't eat cows.

I'd like to.

I wish I had the courage and strength of character to be a vegetarian.

Yeah.

But I'm too weak.

Yeah, I'm weak as well.

I think maybe that's where the Foo Fighters got the title for For All the Cows.

I'd like some some corroboration from a Foo Fighters fan, but I think maybe that's where Dave Grohl got the inspiration for that.

I'm not sure.

And her thesis as well is that she wants nothing dead in her.

That's why she doesn't eat animals.

Fair enough.

But if you eat plants, that's like dead.

Well, it depends on your definition of living.

I mean, she means probably sentient.

A plant's sentient?

I'm not sure they are.

Do they have souls?

Well, you're getting into different areas there, aren't you?

You know, according to Roald Dahl, was it the Roald Dahl short story about the plants who screamed?

I don't know.

When they got cut?

Oh, it was probably a tale that was unexpected, yeah.

Or what was that book called Kiss Kiss?

Is it called Kiss Kiss?

One of his short

Jon Windham, I think, has some screaming plant stuff as well.

Well, the Triffids.

The Triffids, obviously.

That's not screaming in a friendly way, though.

No, they're angry.

Bad plants.

Yeah, they're not a good advert for taking care of planties.

Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Here's a little bit of Arctic Munchies for you.

This is Cornerstone After a Steve LaMac Trail.

Enjoy.

The Arctic Monkeys there with Cornerstone.

We're delighted that you've joined us this Saturday morning.

This is Adam Buxton.

Hey, this is Joe.

Yeah, you weren't concentrating.

No, I wasn't.

Just staring off into the distance.

It's just gone 10.30 and it's time for the news.

That's one of my favourite Bowie songs, I think, of all time.

Is it?

Yes.

With Victor Spinetti.

Pat Matheny.

Yes, the album to that film is absolutely wonderful.

Is it super latative?

It really is.

The Falcon and the Snowman, the film's called, with Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn.

It's a very good film.

It was one of my favourite films when it came out that year.

Yes, it's got a beautiful opening track.

Does he do any more singing on the accompanying soundtrack album, David?

No.

That's a disappointment.

We got a message from Earl in the week, and Earl said, I heard this track on a local independent radio station in Sydney, Australia today.

The band is called Cold Cave from Philadelphia, I think.

The track is called Life Magazine.

Jumping out from the first verse of their electro-pop fair was an unintentional whizzer-whizzer-whizzer that even the goblin king himself would have been proud of.

Here's a little clip right here.

Yeah, that's Cold Cave.

That's cool.

Wow.

Thanks for that Earl.

Hey listen, something else we should point your attention towards listeners is an amazing bit of animation that a listener has done to a thing that was it on the special bonus podcast or

Adam launched into this thing about Simon Callough and Brian Blessed arguing over chess.

Yeah.

And a very talented listener has animated it and you can find it on YouTube if you search for Callough and Blessed.

Yeah, Callough and Blessed, I think something like that.

Yeah, have a search for that.

And we're going to stick it up on the blog pretty soon.

But it's a really genius bit of animation.

He's called Ben Tucker, the guy that did it.

Yeah.

Thanks very much for that.

And he's ignored the fact that my Brian Blessed impression is okay.

My Simon Callow just sounds like Brian Blessed.

They're good.

It sounds like two Brian Blesseds in a room.

He's done such a beautiful job and we're very privileged and flaccid that he would bother and he's made it sound and look really, really excellent.

Yeah, we've even got some 3D stuff sent in to us, which I think we're going to put on the blog as well, aren't we?

So do check out the blog this week, because this guy's done an amazing couple of kind of 3D visual stings for the show.

And you can just put on your 3D glasses and have a look at them on YouTube, and they are quite extraordinary.

Put on your 3D glasses.

Pop on your glasses.

Has everybody got a pair?

Everyone should.

Every family's got a set of pairs.

If you've not got your 3D sunnies... Mate.

Mate, you're gonna need them when Avatar comes out.

Exactly.

Everything's gone 3D, mate.

It has, hasn't it?

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

Yes, it has.

So listen, we're gonna come back in a second with some Bad Accent fun.

You know we love Bad Accent fun, and we've got... I've got a little slice of Bad Accent cake to serve to you in a second, but here's some music first.

Is this just a normal play or a free play?

No, this is I just saw this James Sterling our lovely producer selected this one It's a song I particularly love though by pavement harness your hopes and this was a session track recorded for radio one's evening session back in January 1997 enjoy one of those wonderful indie bands that have unexpectedly got back together again I guess it's never unexpected.

Look mommy.

There's one of those indie bands that have got back together.

Oh darling

so it is it's stay away darling i never expected the pavement to reform but there they are playing again 2010 look you're you're scrolling through all your text there oh god i rested my mag on the keyboard and it started doing things was a whizzing

So, listen, listeners, you know we love bad accents in films, right?

Yeah, boy.

We love anyone doing a foreign accent in a film when you know it's not their real accent.

It's just fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, right?

It's a sars guard in an education, plays an Englishman, and it's quite off-putting because it's pretty good as accent, but it comes out quite camp.

It's a tough thing to do, you know, and when you think about it,

There must be a good living to be made if you were a kind of quite intellectual academic voice coach to teach the creme de la creme of Hollywood's acting talent exactly how to do these accents, right?

Like some kind of voice coach.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I picked up a

a copy of the magazine, The New Yorker, November the 9th, and it has a massive, you know The New Yorker, it's an excellent magazine, very good, also quite pompous and haughty, which is why I like it, and it's got a huge article all about this guy called Tim Monkin.

Monick?

No, Tim Monick.

I said that totally wrong.

Tim Monnick, yeah, rhymes with gin and tonic.

And he is Hollywood's number one voice coach.

He is the man who taught Gerald Butler, who is Scottish, to speak as if he were from New York for the forthcoming film of The Bounty.

He taught Shia LaBeouf, who is from Southern California, to speak as if he'd grown up on Long Island for Wall Street 2.

He taught Brad Pitt to talk as if he was from Tennessee for Inglorious Bass Dirts.

Okay, not the rude word.

He taught Hilary Swank.

That's swank, not the rude word.

To speak like Amelia Earhart for her Amelia Biopic.

He taught Leo DiCaprio to speak whatever he speaks in Gangs of New York.

So this is the creme de la creme.

He taught Blanchett.

to speak in a Russian accent for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

So this is the guy, right?

Question is, who else has he taught?

Did he have anything to do with Ray Winston in The Departed?

Or Don Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven.

I don't know.

I imagine he might not have got round to Cheadle.

No.

He was busy that week.

But what an article!

You know?

And they go so in depth about how he does what he does.

So I thought this is perfect for Adam and I, this is amazing.

And he has various techniques, for instance he's got an extraordinary library, he records anything off of television, off of television of anyone speaking in a funny accent, so he'll record like foreign generals on CNN, and he archives them so any actor can come along and pick a particular person, base their accent on that person.

But some of the other techniques he uses aren't quite so sophisticated.

Like, and I quote from the article, Monica has offerings for the eye as well as the ear.

He writes and acts as lines in faux phonetic style that he made up by combining elements of actual phonetics with approximations of sounds.

So, basically, he writes down the phrase that the actor has to say in phonetics so that the actor doesn't even have to think.

According to this guy, if you read out these weird sentences, you will just immediately have the accent, all right?

A little bit like air, hair, layer.

Now, luckily, he gives various examples, which I've typed out here.

I'm going to hand them to you, Adam Buxton.

You have to read them out.

and we'll see whether it works, whether you say the accent, right?

So the first line, and Adam hasn't seen these lines before.

And obviously you haven't indicated what the accent is.

Oh, I kind of have.

Do you want me to fold that?

Shall I fold that back so you don't know what accent that is?

Yeah.

OK.

So this first line is one of Brad Pitt's lines from Inglourious Barstoods.

OK.

So Adam's going to read this out phonetically.

Flip it over.

OK.

Uh, my name is Lieutenant Aldoraine, and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers.

Now that's what's actually written on, I mean that's quite a long-winded one.

That's Tennessee, that accent.

My name is Lou Tennant-Alderain and I'm putting together a spatial team and I need me eight soldiers.

So how's this felt?

The guy's spelt it.

You know, Ma is M-A-H.

Lieutenant is L-O-O-T-I-N-N-U-N-T.

You know what?

So he's writing it totally phonetically.

Try this one.

This is a line that Matt Damon used in order to sound South African in the forthcoming film Invictus.

Ah.

Yeah.

So this should, if Adam reads this phonetically, he should just sound perfectly South African.

It's a mullet.

It's a mulletry university.

It's a mulletry.

It's a military university.

Oh, mul.

It's a mulletry.

It's a mulletry university.

Try this one.

This is for Gerard Butler in the Bounty, and this is supposed to make you sound like you're from New York.

nah does miserable as ah ah he me hid her believe me come on give me that one back I can do that

No wonder these people are speaking with really bad accents.

This is possibly a tiny bit alienating for the listener at home because you can't see what we're seeing written down, but here's a simple one.

Like if you've got a pad and a piece of paper, if you write down the words go,

A, hidden's mallet.

According to this guy, when you say go a hidden's mallet, you're saying go ahead and smell it in a South African accent.

Go a hidden's mallet.

Yeah, here's another one.

This is Hollywood's top accent coat.

And here's a final one.

This is another South African one.

And if you write down Beck, B-E-C-K-Tusa, T-O-O-S-A... Oh, I can't even bother to spell the whole thing.

Thefry, T-H-E-F-F-R-E, car.

Beck to South Africa.

Yes!

Hey, that's quite good!

Beck to South Africa.

You're saying it with insight, yeah.

Try saying it with no accent at all.

Beck to South Africa.

That was with no accent.

That's quite good.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you think it would be possible to think of other phonetic phrases that just, without any effort, make you sound foreign?

Of course.

These guys built a whole career on it.

Isn't that good?

Well, air, hair, layer is the one that makes you sound posh, obviously, right?

Air, hair, layer.

Yeah.

You write down the words air, hair, and layer.

Eheler.

Bektusa thefrica.

You see, you're doing it as well.

That's good.

We'd like to hear any more, though, if you've got them, listeners.

You've got a free play right now, though, Joe.

Yeah, this is some orange juice.

This is out for the count.

This is the voice of the big, pretty castle.

It is the top of the apple that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour.

How do you do nice to be with you listeners?

This is Adam.

Hello.

This is Joe Getting quicker, right?

Yeah a little bit my reactions Not like when we introduced madness at the Camden crawl.

No, I didn't like that Hi, this is Adam All right, so you guys are probably a bit bored

That was your response.

You've never forgotten that.

It was funny.

Have I told you about my Never Again list?

No.

Have I told you about that?

I've got a list on my office wall.

It says Never Again.

And introduce number one is introduce live bands.

Number two is appear on panel shows.

Yeah.

Number three is turn on Christmas lights Stella McCartney's shop never again.

You haven't done it once though.

Yeah, I know You're a fool.

You'll be kicking yourself one day Absolutely When you're off on holiday, I'll be kicking with the McCartney's I can't believe it.

Anyway Have you been to church?

Recently?

When was the last time you did a bit of hymn singing?

Probably at a friend's funeral.

Because whether you're religious or not, right, once in a while you find yourself in an environment where hymns are being sung, whether it's Christmas or a wedding or a funeral or whatever the occasion happens to be.

I was at an assembly at my children's school this week and they liked to sing a few hymns there and stuff.

But what do you do if you're in a situation where you're completely unfamiliar with the tune of the hymn or the hymn itself?

Do you do a sort of John Redwood and bluff your way through it?

Do you remember when he was Welsh Secretary and he couldn't remember the Welsh national anthem and he was just shaking his head and kind of mumbling the words a little bit with a smile?

Or do you not even bother?

Like, I didn't even bother.

When I heard the hymn coming on at my children's school, I just put the hymn sheet down because I thought, where do I start?

There's no way.

Do you know what I do?

What?

I guessed the melody and belt it out.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Seriously?

No.

But that would be a thing to do, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Just guess it.

And hell, you know, you're in a church.

Right.

So you're going to be forgiven, turn the other cheek, just sing really loudly and guess where it's going to go.

Try and predict it.

There are some people that do that anyway.

This is another study, but my girlfriend has a habit if a record comes along on the radio and it's a new record.

And I know she's never heard it before.

She'll start...

My wife does that as well.

As if she knows how it's going to go.

Is that a lady thing?

It's a lady thing.

They just love music.

They love to sing along with things, don't they?

Yeah.

The ladies.

They don't know what it's...

They're just guessing where it's going to go because they just love music.

But it's definitely a similar situation in a church and it's more revealing, isn't it?

It's more exposed.

Right.

Because there's people all around you and there's an atmosphere of, you know, you've got to conform to the ritual.

Well, I was checking out the other parents.

Most of them were having a stab, it has to be said.

Was this in a church or in the school?

No, just in the assembly hall.

The children all sang beautifully.

I think they'd sung the hymn many times before, so they were all au fait with the thing.

I didn't know where to start.

I just completely bottled it.

But I thought you, Joe Cornish, might like to have a go, because I got up my digital camera and I recorded a couple of verses in a chorus.

So I have the hymn sheet here that we were given.

Adam's given me a copy of the hymn sheet.

And there'll be a couple of bars before you come in.

This is written by Graham Kendrick, who was born in 1950.

What's it called, this hymn?

It is called Shine, Jesus Shine, I think.

And I have never heard this one before, ever.

So see how you get on.

So what, you're expecting me to sing along as if I'm in church, and you're going to play the backing track?

Exactly.

We'll just do one verse in the chorus, OK?

And here's the Children of Towne Close School in Norwich singing.

Awesome presents from the shadows and into your radius.

By the blood of me, enter your brightness.

Search me, try me, consume all my darkness.

Shine on me.

Chorus.

You sure this is about Jesus?

Oh, whale.

That's how you do.

You go for the grandstand.

Very good.

That was a good effort.

You did pretty well on there, on the whole.

That sounds slightly evangelical.

It sounds very contemporary.

Yeah.

A little bit funky.

It's a nice track.

Yes, it's in between there.

Flow, river, flow, flood the nations.

Oh, with grace and mercy, that's all right.

Yeah.

Blaze, spirit, blaze, set our hearts on fire.

It almost sounds too contemporary.

Sounds like Bon Jovi, doesn't it?

It just sounds like...

Yeah, God's having a smoke and then flooding places.

No, he doesn't do that kind of thing.

I can't wait to go to church with you.

I think you'd do a great job.

Thanks a lot.

Someone was suggesting that over Christmas, you know, obviously the Stephen phenomenon has died down a bit.

Feast of Stephen.

become a bit tiresome.

Yeah, did you read that email?

Yeah.

That this Christmas we could revive the Stephen thing, but if you're in church and you sing Good King Wentz-less.

Yeah, Good King Wentz-less.

I even did a jingle for the Christmas show last year with Good King Wentz-less.

On the Feast of Stephen.

Yeah?

Yeah, we'll be digging that one out for Christmas this year.

That's ecclesiastical, Stephen.

Absolutely.

Here's some Arcade Fire right now, speaking of kind of rousing spiritual music.

This is Intervention.

Wow.

About a minute from the end, the sun came out and was shining very brightly through the windows there in the big British castle, and it was a very spiritual and moving moment with the Arcade Fire there singing Intervention.

That's my album of the year.

I thought you said the other one was your album.

I'm joking, that came out last year, I think.

Other one of the year, yes.

Two years ago, was it?

Oh my lordy.

Time is flying at a ridiculous pace now.

Shall we have the Text-A-Nation jingle, James?

Let's have the rock one!

The text number is 64046.

I can't remember the email.

Lee Heckman, ladies and gentlemen!

Good night!

Yeah, bit of credit for Lee Henman who put together the backing track for that.

There you go.

You get backing tracks sent in.

Happens once in a blue moon, doesn't it?

And it happened to me once.

Twice.

Three times.

A lady.

Yeah, so Texanation is all about psychic things that happen that make you think you're psychic.

And we were trying to go for a kind of idiotic angle.

You know, people who do that in an idiotic way.

You say this, what were you imagining we were

I don't know.

I thought just we'd get idiots behaving, you know, with really tenuous reasons why they were psychic.

But the truth is a lot of people genuinely do.

Sure they do.

I think they're psychic hands.

It's a serious thing.

A lot of coincidences happen.

It's one of the ultimate fantasies you have when you're a child.

You know what I mean?

That maybe you're psychic and you have psychic abilities.

Don't you think?

Like with me, it was a close thing between being bionic and being psychic.

Yes.

I very much wanted to be bionic.

But you thought you possibly were psychic.

You don't have to have any visible robot parts to be psychic.

Exactly.

Because I thought... I don't know if I can go through with the accident and then the reconstruction from the bionics.

But psychic, you're born with that.

Premonitions?

Have you ever had any premonitions?

Never.

You've never dreamt something that then happened?

Not a one.

Really?

Nothing.

Do you ever have... Because deja vu can sometimes feed into that, can't it?

Right, when you're a bit tired.

You can think, man, I've dreamt this.

Yes, that's your mind playing tricks on you, though, isn't it?

Is it, though?

I think so.

Or is it my mind playing tricks on you?

Here's a message right now.

This was posted on our blog by Joe, and he says, Dear Cornballs and Count Buckley's, I was once reading the book Never Trust a Rabbit by the League of Gentlemen's Jeremy Dyson on London's The Tube.

He… Jeremy is the one that never appears on the telly, but as a bit of a geek I knew what he looked like.

So imagine my surprise when I looked up to see the man opposite me on the tube was Jeremy Dyson.

I coughed loudly and flashed the cover of his book at him and he looked up, smiled, and he said to me, that literally never happens.

He then offered to sign the book and we had a little chat.

Sadly, this psychic story ends on a slightly sour note as we both changed Oxford Circus and went on the same Victoria Line platform and boarded the same northbound tube.

Turns out we live really close to each other now.

And what could have been a nice story for both of us is a slightly creepy one for him as he thought I'd followed him home.

I had to pretend to tie my non-existent shoelaces to allow him to run away.

Am I psychic?

Do I win a prize?

In what way would that be psychic, though?

That would be the power to attract a person you're thinking about or whose work you're consuming towards you, physically.

Yeah.

Your aura is so powerful that you magnetically pull that person.

You're reading the Da Vinci code and suddenly there's Dan Brown.

He's been sucked into your universe.

Imagine.

You can ask him questions about Tom Hanks.

That's extraordinary, isn't it?

That kind of thing.

got any more?

Yes, I've got one more.

Here's one from Joff in Lyme Regis.

Joff?

Yeah.

You sure it's not Jeff?

Well, J-O-double-F.

What are you reckoning?

That's a Joff, isn't it?

That's a Joff, yeah.

Yeah.

Joff in Lyme Regis.

Do you think it's Roland Joffy, the director of the Killing Fields?

Because then he would have put Joffles.

Joffles?

Of course he would.

He says, Dear Adam and Joe, I must tell you about my psychic abilities.

About five years ago, I was driving in my car and I put on...

and put on my latest car boot purchase the CD Raga Grates.

The Ace of Bass song, All That She Wants, Brackets is Another Baby, came on and I quickly turned it off because my girlfriend did want another baby and I didn't.

Imagine my horror then when the radio kicked in and the same song was playing.

In a trice I was on the phone to Dr. Snippington and in a few weeks

Doctor Snippington!

I was safely neutralised.

Phew!

Then we split up.

That was the only psychic experience.

She's really on a rollercoaster!

I've ever had, but it was enough.

That's from Joffy.

Wow, I can't get my head round that.

That's so... One minute it's Ace of Base, next minute it's Doctor Snippington.

I mean, that's brilliantly illustrated in the film The Tall Guy, right?

Which is quite an old film now that kids probably won't know.

It's fallen out of circulation a bit, but it's Mel Smith and directed by Mel Smith, written by Richard Curtis, starring Jeff Goldblum.

Love it.

And Emma Thompson.

and they fall out of love and then every time there's a sequence where every time he turns on the radio another love song is playing it's quite good but that happens quite a lot doesn't it?

I mean that would be another good text the nation like songs or bits of pop culture that you can never listen to or watch again because they bring back kind of awkward or weird memories.

Or if you're having some kind of issue between you and your partner or a friend, it's weird how suddenly everything you listen to will suddenly seem to be talking about that very issue.

It all seems relevant, right?

Yeah.

And sometimes in a way that says things out loud that you don't want said.

That's the hallmark of a brilliant bit of music or film or whatever it happens to be, though, is that it absorbs all the things you bring to it.

Yes.

It's like a kind of information black hole.

Yeah.

Yeah, they suck things in towards them, don't they?

It's exactly like an Inflation Black Hole, Dr. Hawkins, yes.

Here's Ian Brown with Just Like You.

I'm living fart today.

That's what he says.

Ian Brown with Just Like You sounds a little Christmasy, that track as well.

I love Christmas.

It's coming up soon.

We're going to be in December, not in June.

Christmas time is the time for cheer.

Come over here.

and join me.

Yeah.

We were bemoaning that here in London they've put Christmas lights up and every year they get even more sponsored.

Oh yeah.

And this year it's all about Robert Zumaker's motion capture version of A Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey.

Which is supposed to be good.

But there's a point at which Christmas lights stop being Christmas lights and are just illuminated adverts.

Is there any country in the world that does it quite so heavily as we do in London Town and Oxford Street?

If you live in a foreign city, is there any other capital that just has its Christmas lights purely, purely advertising?

Because I tell you this, my friend, we don't do that in Paris.

They wouldn't do that anymore.

Would they?

Maybe they would.

I don't know.

They might.

And the Champs-Élysées.

Maybe.

I don't think they do.

It's broken Britain.

Corporate Britain.

And I tell you, they don't do it in New York either, I don't think.

Well, yeah, the Thanksgiving parade is quite heavily-sponsored, isn't it?

Yeah, but then they... I don't think the permanent lights.

That's the way to do it.

You have a parade.

Because they used to just have like it would be...

you know, Aladdin themed or something.

And then they wouldn't like have Aladdin on everything.

They have some like Christmas-y, you know, magic carpets and they try and make it, you know, non-branded.

But now they've just dropped that pretense.

It's as if Britain is just run by four major corporations.

Yeah.

That's your theory.

That's my theory.

It's not the theory of the big British castle.

No, that's not endorsed by the cast.

It feels that way sometimes, doesn't it?

Sometimes it does.

It's all about making the money, isn't it?

And then the rest of the Oxford Street is covered with those kind of spider's webs with what looks like gob on them.

That's very Christmasy.

People love to gob on spider's webs at Christmas.

Come on.

Whole families pop and trudge through the snow, find a spider.

Oh, that one's... Oh, it's that one's... Oh, that spider's web.

It's too weak.

It's collapsed.

Oh, but this one's holding the gob really well.

That's very Christmasy.

Have you seen the holidays are coming?

Are they... Is that back on TV yet?

What, the new... Is that fishy drink?

Coca-Cola, isn't it?

Yeah, with the trucks all rumbling into town.

Oh, with the weird, creepy animated people.

It's a different one.

Creepy Santa is a different bit.

I was going to say, though, you want to see some good, genuine Christmas lights, then just if you're in London, just pop to Carnaby Street, because they're proper ones.

Really?

Have they got nice ones there?

Yeah, they're non-sponsored.

Yeah, they're really lovely.

Have they got fairies there?

There's loads of fairies, Adam.

All over the pavement, drunk.

Wearing winkle pickers.

Okay, here's a free play for you listeners.

You can fire this one off right now, James.

And let me tell you that this is quite a long one, so that's why we're firing it off, because we want to play the whole thing.

This is fan Morris.

It's 11 minutes.

It's 11 minutes long, and it's called... Are we going to play it all?

...the back room.

Well, the thing is that... Sorry to talk over the beginning of it, listeners, but my favourite bit is DJ Hersey.

My favourite bit is at the end, where he starts chatting and he starts saying to his hipster friends, What time is it?

I'm saying, baby, what time is it?

What time is it?

It's Fall 30.

He just sort of answers it.

We've got to sit through 11 minutes to get to that.

It's a good song as well as that.

Let's do it.

Here he is.

It's 4.30.

It's not 4.30.

It's coming up to 11.30 here on BBC 6 Music.

Joe, have you seen the posters around town for the new Bon Jovi tour?

Yeah, I think I have.

Yeah, there certainly was a big hoo-ha about them on The Awful X Factor.

That's right.

They were plugging the thing and they got a new album out as well, which is supposed to be rubbish.

I love that kind of album.

Have you got any rubbish albums?

Yes, we do.