The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (24 October 2009)

6 music later today boggins after boggins Mandy megaphone but now it's Adam and Jo

There was a trail before that record that said, coming up soon, boggins.

Yeah.

And that's very overconfident for a trail, because we can't predict when that dog will come into the studio.

I mean, how can the jingle be so confident that the dog will come in?

I think later, they just said later.

There wasn't a specific time.

So it could be any time in the future.

In the future.

Is that how people use later?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

That's how Jules Holland uses it.

Jules Holland's later.

Yeah.

I'll be dead later.

The world will get better later.

Yeah.

I'll do it later.

That's my favorite expression.

How are you doing, listeners?

This is Adam.

Hey, this is Joe.

Thanks for listening, especially if you're listening live.

And remember, if you are listening to these talkings live, then you're a member of Black Squadron.

And we're going to have a command for you in a second.

I might discuss the commands with Count Buckley's during the next record, just to make sure

You know, we're on message.

Yeah, absolutely.

That's a good idea.

Incidentally, you just heard the selector there with On My Radio.

Before that, Yare played some dreadful noise by some young band near Varna.

I mean, I don't think they're going to amount to much.

They did.

They were one of the biggest bands of the 90s.

The 90s.

So what, what, imagine me saying that I don't know if they're gonna amount to match.

Just started reading a mag.

I started reading a mag in the middle of that sentence.

While I was, while I get finished.

Do you think my torso's good enough to appear in a Twilight film?

Like to be a vampire?

You haven't seen my torso for a while, but you think it's good enough?

I mean, I think I could be a vampire in Twilight.

No, I mean, do you care about my response?

Not really.

No, no, no, no.

No, you're never gonna be in a Twilight film.

Are you sure?

Yeah, not unless it's by accident.

What about as like an evil...

Like more mature vampire.

Right, yes.

What about this?

Well that was frightening.

Listen, I wish you could have seen it.

It did chill with the marrow.

That's all you have to do.

But that's one of the sexy young ones.

What about the vampire's assistant?

My children are obsessed by seeing that.

Is that a comedy film?

That's another series of books, I think.

Is it?

Yeah, that they've adapted to try and fill the void that's about to be left by Potter.

What is it with vampires and zombies?

I've had my fill.

Have you?

Yeah.

We should talk about that later.

Maybe.

Well, that's fun to look forward to, listeners.

Later.

Also, later, with Jules Holland.

We're going to have, like, text-to-nation and all our usual features.

We're going to investigate the whole bog-in situation a little later on.

But right now, here's Camera Obscura with the squee- the squee-test?

The squee-test thing.

Let's go!

Always catch the beginning of the show Flack squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one, black squadron roll Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron's power

Black Squadron is, of course, the elite listening force who listen to this programme live every Saturday morning, between nine and half past nine.

Yeah, exactly.

And we have a command for you this morning, Black Squadron.

It's a photo command.

We'd like you to stand by with your cameras and mobile phones as quickly as you possibly can.

When the next record starts, you have to take a photo along the theme that we're about to announce.

How many people responded last week?

It was about 140.

It was our highest number ever.

Record response.

Yeah.

And have they all gone up on the website?

I think they have.

A toilet paper Egyptian mummy attack.

It was a long-winded one last week.

We had two or three alternatives.

Adam and I were discussing them during that record, but our suggestions were superseded by a suggestion from a listener, Brigadier Young of Black Squadron, who's in his house awaiting his orders.

He's made a brilliant suggestion that both Adam and I have seized upon.

Are we ready?

Yeah, we're going to fire off a free play as soon as Joe issues the command, and this is a track

by Spoon, one of my favourite bands, and it's a track that, you know, the title is What I'm Lack Feeling.

Okay.

It's called Everything Hits at Once.

I've had a week where, you know what I mean?

Like, it never rains, but it pours.

Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear that.

You're clutching your elbow, as well.

Elbone.

I'll tell you about the elbow later.

Let's have a big moan-in after this, after the command.

I'm going to have a massive moan-in.

I can't wait.

Because I've had the week from the toilet.

So, spoons, everything hits at once is gonna come up and James is sort of slow fade in so you might need to fire it off as Joe is issuing the command.

Are you ready, Joe?

Yeah, well, I don't know about that.

We usually have a punchy record immediately after the command.

If James gets it right, as soon as Joe starts issuing the command, it'll work.

Will it?

Yeah.

Okay, this is the number to send your photos to by text 64046, or by email adamandjo.6music.bbc.uk.

Text will be charged at your standard message rate, and remember, if you do send us a picture, particularly with this command, it will go possibly on our blog, so you have to be ready for that eventuality.

Yeah, exactly.

Stand by Black Squadron, here comes the command.

In pants.

In street.

That is Camille.

She is from France.

I don't know nothing about her.

What's the deal with her?

She's a little fairy from France.

And that song is called Tadula.

That means you're pain.

Is it Tadula?

Is that your pain?

Whose pain is it if it's Tadula?

What's it called?

T-A-Dula.

I think Dula means pain.

Something pain related.

Anyway, that was Camille.

She sounded very nice.

She is very beautiful looking, look at that.

And listen, Black Squadron, your response has been extraordinary to the command, a very challenging command this week.

I mean, we're really pushing them.

Pants in street?

Yeah, because it's cold out there, you're wearing your pants, and you've got to go in public, you know that's really pushing the squadron, don't you think?

Yeah, it really is.

Um, are you excited about the results that are coming in Adam?

Sure.

We're getting some great pictures of people, uh, standing in the street, some good looking, very good looking men in their pants out there in the street with their arms folded, trying to keep warm by the bins.

And, uh, but listen, man, listen, before we get into that, we'll come back to that.

Cause they're still coming in and the squadron is still, uh, standing to attention, so to speak for another eight minutes.

Um, but listen, you've had a terrible week.

You were telling us.

Yeah.

Uh, L-Bone continues to be a problem.

Went for an MRI this week.

You know what an MRI is?

Is that when you get into one of those big washing machines?

That big washing machine.

And it whizzes around.

And usually, I assumed those were just for sort of brain things.

Do they inject you with magnets?

kind of thing.

I mean, you are told before you go into the big washing machine that you can't have any metal on you whatsoever, because basically you're being passed through what is, as far as I can tell, a massive electromagnet.

What about your adamantine bones?

No, it's not a problem for me because I've been cured of all that stuff, of my Wolverine problems.

But Wolverine absolutely would not be able to have an MRI.

It would be like popping in my microwave.

Yeah, it would rip out right through.

They say like, have you ever had shards of metal in your eye?

Because then you can't go into the machine because otherwise they wouldn't.

The magnets will pull them out.

Pull them right out.

Aye yai yai, it's scary.

And it makes this terrible noise when you go in there as well.

Is that the thing that she does in the film The Exorcist?

Yes, exactly.

That's one of the most terrifying bits in The Exorcist when she goes and has all those scans.

I think so, yeah.

I guess they're more modern now.

Those were big 70s machines.

You would think so, wouldn't you?

But they are still massive.

I think that you can only get them so small because the physics of the thing is just about the amount of electricity they have to pass through these things.

And that's what makes all the noise.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

And they say like... Why does it go bang?

Because it's the sound of the electricity.

I said, why is it so noisy?

Can't they like, you know, it's like the modern world.

We've got iPods and stuff.

Can't they make like a quieter version?

And then I said, no, it's just that's physics.

That's the noise that that amount of energy makes.

It's never going to be quieter than that.

A banging noise like a huge demon trying to get through the door.

Honestly.

And she goes, it's very loud, so I'm going to put some earplugs in.

And by this time I was lying down.

She's in her ears or yours?

In my ears.

I was lying down by this time in a very awkward position with my elbow in front of me lying face down on this thing.

Incredibly uncomfortable.

A little bit like Superman flying.

Except if Superman was holding a chicken switch in his other hand.

You get a chicken switch.

You get a chicken switch if you can't handle it.

What might you not be able to handle, the noise?

The noise, the uncomfortableness, you have to lie absolutely still for half an hour.

No.

While this thing happens.

Is there a telly?

There's no telly radio.

I think for children sometimes, depending on what position you're lying in, sometimes for children they give you a little telly.

They should have some six music.

That would be a perfect environment to listen to some children.

Wouldn't be able to hear it.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang

It sounds like a kind of extreme hardcore German techno club.

And even before you go in, there's a pump that operates the machine that goes...

And I swear, I said to the nurse, like, is that music playing?

Are they playing like techno music?

She's the nurse, the sound of the pump.

And she looked at me like, you idiot hole.

Obviously, we're not playing techno music if we have an MRI.

But that's what the whole experience was like.

It was horrific.

And then after a while you start to zone out, you know what I mean?

And you become hypnotised by the grimness of it all.

So, dude.

How long have you got?

I've got about, I would say, till the end of next month.

Till later?

Yeah, later.

You're going to live till a bit later?

With Jules Holland, yeah.

And they didn't, all they could tell me at the end of it was you got swollen tendons.

Don't know what that is.

Someone mentioned arthritis.

I mean, you don't want arthritis, for goodness sake.

So I don't know, I haven't got like a definite thing yet.

And then, to make matters worse, someone nicked my bike.

Thanks very much.

Get out your MRI.

Same day.

Bike nicked, yeah.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot for that.

You sure it's not stuck to the side of the MRI machine?

Have you been pulled in by the force of the magnets?

Could be.

I mean, I'd look on the bottom.

Yeah, maybe.

Man, that's terrible.

That's awful.

I mean, that feels like more than you would want for a link.

I mean, that feels like you could do a whole five-minute ranting on the bike.

Yeah, I could do, couldn't I?

You could do.

Why do we have that in hand?

I've been thinking about the things that I would do to the guy.

Should we stand down the squadron?

We'll stand down the squadron then after the... Well, just before the news, we'll recap some of your extraordinary and some quite provocative photos.

What did I say we were doing next?

We're gonna stand down the squadron, but we can stand them down after we play a bit of Donovan, though.

Here's Sunshine Superman.

Stand down, your work is done.

You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.

And maybe a nice little bun.

Black Squadron stood down and an excellent response to the in pants in street command.

Very good.

You can put your clothes back on and come back inside now, Black Squadron.

That's a bit like I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore from network.

You know, if you looked down your street.

and saw someone else standing outside their house in their pants, you'd know they were listening to the programme.

And imagine what kind of panty moment there might be between you.

Panty fine, right?

If you suddenly saw a neighbour who... I mean, that's a good dating tactic, just for the first meet to be in pants.

I've never... I've passed you so many times in the street, but see you now in your pants.

I want to know more about you.

Are you a vampire from Twilight?

You will never be a vampire from Twilight.

You're torso.

It's back on.

We're going to talk in more detail about some of those photos after the news, which is coming up right now.

Zigger ziggo from Cuba Cuba.

Say the title of that song then.

I can't read it.

Hang on.

It's gone away.

Inímer singer vitle singer.

Oh, it's not too hard to say.

Inímer singer vitle singer.

It says here Icelandic for within mere lunatic things, but then it's crossed out.

Is that because it's inaccurate?

Maybe Sif, our Icelandic supermodel listener, couldn't text us.

Tell us what that means.

Do you think Sif still listens?

Do you remember Sif?

Sure I remember Sif.

I think about it all the time.

Maybe she can do a little translation for that.

She's part of Model Squadron.

She is.

Speaking of the squadrons.

Yeah, we had a very good response, as we've already said, to our Black Squadron command this morning, which was Pants Inn Street.

That was the first Black Squadron command to be sent in by a listener.

I think he just called himself Brigadier Young.

Yeah.

I'm not sure whether he's just a young Brigadier or whether Young is his name.

Maybe he can clarify that, but we had an amazing photo from Black Squadron member number 23775, he calls himself, and he appears to be in Rio de Janeiro by a flight of those beautifully tiled steps that you get in that part of the world.

You know those kind of towns that are on very steep hills and they're stepped.

And then people have put beautiful sort of broken, shattered tiles and made collages along the steps.

Lovely mosaics spelling out the words Rio de Janeiro there.

It might be somewhere else.

No, I'm pretty sure.

I mean, it could be white leaves of basewater, I suppose.

Yes.

But I think it's unlikely.

The people behind him look very authentically Brazilian and sort of sexy and they might be going to samba classes or something.

And of course, it's a challenging command because not everyone wants to be seen in their pants, do they?

We didn't get many responses from ladies, for instance, I noticed.

There's a lot of quite proud, stupid-looking men.

We got one from a lady who was very far away.

Well, that's a good tactic.

And the best one we got was from Hannah Waller, who is... Look at this.

She's sitting in a chair.

She's actually taking a chair out into the middle of the road.

And she's reading a lady brain-rotting man.

in her bra and panties.

It's a good picture and that'll be going up on the blog unless you take some kind of legal action in the next half hour, Hannah.

A lot of good looking torsos and some pleasingly out of shape ones as well.

Yeah, some interesting tattoos have been revealed but we'll put the best of these photos, in fact we'll just put them all with a certain amount of editing for decency.

and, you know, safety reasons.

Some people are too sexy.

We don't want to quit there.

We're a little bit too young.

Yeah.

So we'll just go for the ones that an adult brain can handle on the blog there.

But thank you everybody.

Look at that one.

It's a guy that's dressed up in like an army helmet.

See?

Simon and Ginny in Glasgow.

Amazing.

He looks, I mean, he looks as if he needs to be locked up somewhere.

But I like this idea of doing things in the street, and I think we should maybe grow that next week, or a way that if someone else in your street listens to the show live at 9am, you could identify them.

That's right, you could poke your head out the window and see if anything crazy was going on in your street.

And if it was, it's probably related to this show.

Should we not do it then?

I like it!

I was only saying it like that as a fun thing to say.

It doesn't make it something we shouldn't do.

Okay.

Because it's fun!

Here's Big Audio Dynamite with E equals MC squared.

Big Audio Dynamite there.

Don't forget that Don Letts is part of the Six Music family and he's got a show this evening, I think, from 9-11.

From 9-11?

It started a long time ago, didn't it?

Did it really

started 9 11 yeah and it's been going on ever since well well that could just be September the 11th this year but that's not even greater it's got nothing to do with his show right it starts at 11 this evening how long does it go on James one minute one minute program one minute 11 that would be good so we should have one out what kind of stuff does he play there

Just does that, like farts.

The recordings, field recordings of chaffs.

For a minute from around the world.

Hi everyone, Don Letts here.

I've got some great farts that I've recorded around the world.

Here's one that Mick Jones passed me on that he recorded in Guatemala.

What a fart.

This is really insulting to Don Letts.

Come on, he can take it.

Can he though?

He's a ledge.

He's gonna come in here and lamp your face.

He's a punk ledge.

You know why I'm doing that?

Because one time I went up to him in a club when he was DJing and I said, and I said, can I shake your hand?

I did that thing, right?

Can I shake your hand?

Because I'd just been watching From Westway to the World documentary about The Clash that I think he directed.

And I just thought it was amazing, and so I wanted to tell him so, in that way that you do sometimes, you don't want to pass on the love.

He didn't give me any love back at all.

What, he didn't let you shake his hand?

He did, but it was very grudging.

And he pretty much, he looked angry about it.

Like, it's like, fair enough he was DJing.

But I waited till he was, like, not doing anything.

He wasn't segueing or anything.

What kind of a six-music family is this, when one member of the family... Dysfunctional!

Alright?

...abuses another member of the family life on end.

So tune in to Don Letts's fart joke.

I'm joking, Don Lez!

He's a legend!

He's... He helped us shape our culture.

And of course it's not a fart show.

It's a brilliant show and it starts at 11pm this evening.

Oh my God.

You should play a record.

Hey, this is a free play.

This is from the soundtrack of Fantastic Mr. Fox, which is wonderful.

Are you going to go see that?

Yeah.

It's good, man.

This is Burl Ives.

He's an old guy from the past.

This is called Buckeye Jim.

He's got a lot of character.

Maybe too much character.

Andrew Bird, that was there.

The Birdman.

I like that song, that was very good.

What was that from?

From his album Armchair Apocrypha from 2007.

That was called Heretics.

He's a Chicago-based multi-instrumentalist, lyricist and whistler.

He's very cool.

He's got blue tinted shades.

And he's playing a violin like a guitar.

A couple of quirky features there.

Oh, there he is, yeah.

To excite quirk fans.

He looks a little bit like Barry Gibb.

He does, doesn't he?

A young Barry Gibb, yeah.

Scrawny and talented!

It's time for Retro Text the Nation listeners, here's the Jingle Jungle.

I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Text the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because retro takes the nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the bin and forgotten about

So last week's text, the nation was, you know, forgive me for describing it this way, Count Buccullis, but it was a little bit nebulous.

It was slightly unfocused.

It was about kind of disastrous half term trips, family holiday trips.

Yeah.

That kind of thing like not some holiday trips was how I like the idea.

That's a good idea.

But I still can't get my head around how that criteria changes the nature of the stories.

Like are there things that can only ever happen on half term?

No, I mean it was desperate, it was absolutely desperate.

But you know, our listeners came to our rescue as always.

They really did.

Here's an email we got from...

I have to say this carefully.

Shilts, the vibe man, look like something else.

He says, when I was 11 years old, when I'd been on a half-term break to the Lake District.

Oh yeah, you can make that sentence work for yourselves.

I said it a bit wrong.

While having our picnic, my brother spotted a chap filming the scenery and said that if someone fell over in front of him, he could earn £250 from You've Been Fraying.

Hey!

Have weird motivation, like why would you want to help the man earn that money?

Maybe they're going to split it between them.

I don't know.

So I quickly got up, sprinted in front of him and tripped myself up.

Nice.

I got in serious amounts of pain.

I fell in front of my parents, who looked at my shoulder, which they squirmed at, as it seemed to be protruding out of my skin.

I was taken to a backwards doctor's out of a scene in Last of the Summer's Wine, where I waited for an x-ray doctor for two hours to tell me I'd broken my collarbone.

Summer's Wine.

I did, however, watch you've been framed avidly in the coming months to see if my escapades had earned anyone £250.

It never appeared.

Ah, that's weird, you know, I was doing that very thing last weekend.

That's enterprising.

Not popping out my collarbone.

But me and the family watched You've Been Framed, which is a great show, let's face it.

Last weekend, we all gathered round and watched it.

First time that boys had seen it, it was an absolute smash.

It's a smash.

But would you do that?

If you saw someone just idly camcording something, would you run in front of them and do a pratfall?

No, not for their benefit.

And then go up to them and go high.

You might have noticed I just had a pratfall in front of your camera.

You and I could split £250 each way if our video gets accepted by you've been framed.

Why would you go into business with someone else?

That's a good way for students and kids to earn money.

Yeah, but me and Frank were doing it last weekend.

Got any money?

No, we never did it because we ended up flying a plane instead.

I was trying to get him to fly a plane.

Flying a plane?

Like a model plane.

Kind of a prank, is that?

A model plane.

Okay.

Like an airliner.

Click it and touch, but it's not catching speaking.

False it into the ground.

We'll get 250 quid.

Kind of a sick joke, is that?

You started it.

You're gonna read one then?

Yeah, right there.

Here we go.

You really flipped that round on me there.

Well, it was just disturbing.

The image was fun at first.

Well, isn't that where you were going?

I guess so.

Yeah, exactly.

You're sick.

On half term... Who's this from?

This is from Gil in Essex.

On half term day trip I took with my... I'll start again.

On a half term day trip I took with my family some years ago, we went to the zoo because I loved animals.

loved in the past.

Note.

And I looked him straight in the eye, totally believing that we had bonded forever.

It seemed to me that he was looking at me for ages.

And then he turned very slowly and 180 degrees to face away from me.

I was still transfixed.

By now his rear end was facing me and he very deliberately lifted his tail and urinated all over me.

I can tell you now that male lions have large bladders.

I was so shocked I couldn't move.

My brother, who was about 14, was hysterical with laughter.

I was wearing a navy blue quilted jacket.

It wasn't waterproof.

My mother only had a small pack of tissues.

That's the detail I really like.

With which she tried to wipe me down and dry me off like a little pack of hankies.

And that was the end of my birthday treat.

My parents saw fit to curtail the outing after that and marched us all back to the car.

Me, my smelly lion wee coat, and a 90-minute journey home.

I've never been that keen on zoos since Gil from Essex.

Thanks, Gil.

That's epic, isn't it?

Listen, we'll do one final one.

This is the one, I think, Adam, that your subject deserved.

This is from Andrew in Sheffield.

That sounded meaner than it was meant to sound.

Listen to this.

Hello Adam and Jo.

We went to the Doncaster Dome, which I guess is a smaller version of a biodome without the biosphere.

It's a leisure centre.

They did have a large swimming pool with some big curly slides.

One of the slides was painted to look like a snake and called the Anaconda.

After half an hour of splashing with my toddler, I decided to have a go.

I climbed the stairs to the slide.

They seemed to go on forever.

When I reached the top, I was up in the roof of the dome.

There was a man there with an eerie grin.

He said, there you go, mate.

And he was laughing.

I was laughing too.

I jumped onto the slide with boyish excitement.

I pushed off, was immediately plunged into darkness and began to plummet at a terrific pace.

My smiley face turned into an expression of concern.

I began to fear for my safety as I buffeted through the darkness.

I started to worry that I'd been tricked, that the slide was taking me straight to hell.

I began to feel acute anxiety.

Suddenly I was canoned out with an immense splash.

On reuniting with my family, my wife said I'd turned white and called me stupid.

My daughter thought I was a mega-dude, loves and hugs Andrew from Sheffield.

So he just went down the slide.

Because he got a bit frightened in the middle.

But basically he just went down the slide.

Because I think, myself, and a lot of the listeners, while you were telling that story, I was sort of expecting it to go somewhere else.

No, he just came out the bottom.

Like maybe he'd gone down the... Loves and hugs Andrew.

The rubbish chute or something, or he'd been impaled by a spike at the bottom.

No, no, it was just mildly frightening.

He went down the slide.

But what's called the anaconda?

Sure.

There was a guy at the top and he said, there you go, mate.

Went down the slide.

Came out the other end.

See what I mean now?

Splish, splash, splosh.

Good texternation.

Thanks listeners.

Hit some music right now.

This is Elvis Costello.

It's gonna be undone.

Let's just show later on madness with one step beyond don't forget a little bit later in the show We'll be filling you in about what happened last Thursday at the BBC electric proms when Adam and I did a sort of a thing there It was good.

We've done thing on the floor.

We've done a thing people Thor it was wicked We'll be talking about it later on but right now I want to get something off my chest I was Arriving in London on the train the other day.

It was raining outside and I was just about to get on my bike when I still had it and

I saw a umbrella that had been left behind.

An umbrella.

Quite a nice one.

Ooh.

It was a sort of mini one, but it was medium sized.

It wasn't too mini.

Nice, nice, nice.

It was nice wooden handle.

Color.

A nice black one.

Wooden handle.

Yeah, lovely wooden handle.

Beautiful.

One of those ones where you press the button and it pwangs out and erects over your head in a pleasing way.

One of those.

And then you press the button again and it shuts itself down.

Yes.

I mean, it's one of the best types of umbrella.

So I was coveting the umbrella.

I was pretty pleased that someone had left it behind because I thought, bongo, free umbrella.

So, you know, I was the last one to get off the carriage as well.

Everyone had gone.

And so it was, it had absolutely be 100% been left behind.

So scooped it up, shoveled it in my bag.

as I am finishing, zipping up my bag.

I know there's, I've got to point this out, but that's, I mean, you've smoothed over the point where other people might take it to the lost property office.

Oh yes!

I mean, there's that little map.

I missed that there.

Was that there at all?

Yeah, there was that, there was that.

But you know what?

I just thought who actually goes and gets their umbrella back from the lost property office.

Do you?

Nice umbrella though.

Wasn't it?

Remember how he described it as being really nice?

I did, and I set it up as being really nice.

You were sort of coveting it.

Coveting the umbrella.

It's exactly the kind of umbrella.

So why would the owner not covet it in the same way?

Of course they would.

Anyway, I don't mean to spoil the story with you, so... No, no.

It's a very good point.

Anyway, so you steal the umbrella, Anne.

But a damning insight.

You steal the person's umbrella, Anne.

Steal the guy's umbrella.

So, yeah.

And he immediately gets back on the train.

Yes.

Like an old guy, and he's clearly looking for the umbrella.

So I say to him, oh, have you left your umbrella?

And he said yes, I have I said yeah, I've got it right here.

I was just about handed in Here you go Did he buy that?

What sort of a look did he give you?

Well, he was pleased to have the umbrella back, but I didn't stick around to scrutinise his face because I didn't even want to deal with the look of like, you're a liar, that he would have legitimately given me.

Was there a look of sadness on your face when you gave him the umbrella?

It was sort of panic at being so badly busted.

And then also coming out with, I was just about to hand this in.

There, where did you produce the umbrella from?

My face started to shake with shame and bustedness at that point.

Where did you put the umbrella?

Right inside my zip-top bag.

I'm just going to carry this to the lost property office.

I put it in my bag, I zipped it up so it didn't fall out on the way to the lost property office where I was going to hand it in for you.

You know, this ties quite neatly into the text the nation subject this week, doesn't it?

Really, don't you think?

Oh yes, I suppose so.

We can talk about that a bit later.

Yes.

But I mean, I was thinking, you know, it all went off fine in the end.

Uh, and the guy was pleased to have his umbrella back and I was pretty embarrassed about what I'd done, but still no, no bloodshed.

But I was thinking like if that had been an episode of curb your enthusiasm, can you imagine that would have been the beginning of a lot of killing and shouting and stuff like that.

W-w-what?

You're not even gonna say thank you?

I handed back your umbrella!

You were gonna steal my umbrella!

You had no intention of handing- What?

I gave it back!

What do you want?

It's the- I'm gonna sue you!

I'm gonna run you over in my car!

What?

You're gonna run me over in your car?

Cause I gave you back your umbrella?

What's going on here?

I'm gonna hunt you down and kill your family!

What?

That kind of thing.

I haven't watched that programme in years.

That's what it's like.

No, I feel I have.

Free episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm there, brand new, exclusive to the Adam and Jo Show.

Here's Julian Casablancas with 11th Dimension.

He's getting two or three star reviews for that album.

Is that good?

No, that's not good.

No, that's not good, is it?

Middle of Road.

That's below half the stars.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think he'll be upset by that?

I don't think he would care.

I think he's devil may care.

Yeah.

Plus he's getting enough good reviews that he can stuff those under his pillow and fill.

The work is the work.

The public response is neither here nor there.

I like that song though.

That's a good single off there.

I'm interested in hearing the rest of the album.

Are you excited about Roland Emmerich's forthcoming film 2012?

Oh, this is the disaster movie to end all disaster movies.

They showed a big advert for it during the X Factor the other weekend, which I thought was a little bit traumatizing for children.

It shows the world ending, basically.

Tectonic plates splitting and tipping into the ocean, entire cities falling into the ocean, massive schisms opening up through densely populated urban environments.

And even children running screaming from fireballs and stuff.

Well, it's John Cusack trying to save his kids.

He gets his wife and two kids in a plane and they're trying to take off, aren't they?

And this crack is opening right behind the wheels.

And then they're trying to fly through skyscrapers that are collapsing and falling into each other.

I hate it when that happens.

I hate it.

So it makes it very difficult to get into work on time.

Yeah.

And there are constant cutaways of the two little kids who must be about 10 or 11 looking through the plane window having to react to this stuff.

Yes.

Tricky job for a director, don't you think?

To make the children react.

What's a director, child?

All right, Samuel, you are looking out of the window of the plane.

This is Mr. Emery.

Yes.

Is this a good accent?

Very good.

He's German.

He's German and he's lightly cast.

Yes, he is.

Have you not seen his films?

No.

And you look out of the window and severe all this hunting.

Okay, action!

How would you, how would you do that face?

I mean, this is radio, so it's not a good question.

Yeah.

I mean, the kid, the kid... If the virld was ending.

The virld.

The kid kind of goes blank, which is the way to do it, really.

Sure.

I mean, you can't do a big, like, rubbery expression, can you?

Less is more, no.

Less is more, yeah.

But, well, I wonder if you did any of that stuff that Spielberg used to do, like, tricking them into reacting in certain ways.

Right.

By showing them dead cats and stuff.

He bought a cat that looked exactly like the child's cat.

Like, didn't Spielberg on Close Encounters say something like that?

Well, he would dress up as a clown.

That was famously what he did when the little boy was reacting to the spaceships outside the window and he says, toys!

But didn't he want to do something a little bit dodge-like, say, someone's auntie had died?

Dustin Hoffman famously on Kramer vs. Kramer made the little boy cry by telling him he hated him.

oh right yeah made really close friends for him for half of the production then and then got angry with him said he was rubbish and not doing a good job he got that amazing oscar winning crying scene but the whole point of this is that trailer for 2012 has made a deep traumatic impression on my tiny brain a deep impact yeah and i'm like a man type of a thing and if you were a child who can imagine the psychological effect it would have i had a 2012 dream

A blockbuster dream.

Do you ever have blockbuster dreams where suddenly the production values in your dreams skyrocket?

You're lucky, I have kitchen sink dreams.

To you?

I had a 2012 dream and I was literally in 2012.

Wow.

I was in a room and the world was ending.

Is it in 3D?

It wasn't, unfortunately.

But then 2012 isn't in 3D, I don't think.

the world was ending outside the window and I was freaking out because the world was ending I was panicking and didn't know what to do so in the dream I thought oh video it quickly video it I grabbed a video camera and started videoing these amazing effects that were happening outside the window 250 quid for it then someone came up in the dream and put their hand on my shoulder and said sorry mate that's piracy you can't do that

That's pretty meta, don't you think?

That really is.

The other thing that freaks me out about that film is the BBFC box in it, right?

It's got all this spectacular destruction in the world ending and the BBFC certification box says, contains sustained moderate threat.

and one use of strong language.

Moderate threat.

Did they not use the word peril anymore?

No.

Moderate threat, the entire world ending, being sucked into a huge chasm while you desperately try to escape with your family, while a crevasse opens up inches from the wheels of your plane.

Moderate threat.

In the hands of Emmerich maybe it is.

Flying sideways through two collapsing skyscrapers, just making it.

What are the BBFC doing?

They're giving away plot points, and they're actually reducing the dramatic impact of films.

They're not giving away too many plot points there though, are they?

Moderate.

The threat.

One use of strong language.

Yeah.

Any full frontal nudity?

No.

Brief, shocking full frontal nudity.

That's my favorite BBFC, right?

Or prolonged, shocking, full-front immunity.

I know, I don't like those films, you know, because they are depressing.

I don't like to think about the world ending.

It's not fun for me.

Like I saw Drag Me to Hell the other day.

And that's sad as well.

It does.

Yeah, it's got a sad ending.

It's got a very sad ending.

I wasn't prepared for it.

Here's a free play for you right now, listeners.

Now, how do you feel about this, Joe?

I'm going to play a bit of classical music.

Uncomfortable, unnerved.

Are you unnerved?

Yeah.

And this isn't even from like a soundtrack or anything like that.

This just popped up.

What I did is I was loading some classical music onto my father-in-law's iPod.

I think this is your Chilean, your Spanish blood.

Maybe.

Your mum's side of the family coming through here.

So when I was loading this stuff for my father-in-law, I made a copy of some of it for myself as well, because I thought, you know, nice.

Spread the net musically, listen to some stuff you wouldn't normally listen to.

So this popped up on my iPod the other day when I was cycling, and I really enjoyed it.

I thought, I'm going to play this on the show.

But then I thought, maybe this is actually going to repel listeners because it's too, you know, it's got nothing to do with six musics remit.

Is it a problem?

Anyway, it's very short, and I hope you enjoy it.

This is Fernando Sore.

He's an 18th century composer, Spanish composer.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

And this is six from his Six Valsas.

I don't know much else about it.

How long was it now?

It's ten and a half minutes.

No, it's two minutes.

It's gonna be good.

Hope you enjoy.

Hit it.

I mean, we talked over that, we slightly ruined it, but that was good though, didn't you think?

Yeah, that was good.

That was, who was there playing on that?

It was Wilma Van Berkel.

Ah, Van Berkel.

Robert Kubica.

They were playing the guitar on that track, which was by the Spanish composer Fernando Sore.

S-O-R.

Enjoyable, right?

Yeah, yeah, enjoyable.

I mean, that's not gonna be a problem for six music listeners.

They're very broad-minded.

They've got a very Catholic taste.

I think that was a big success.

I'm gonna play a lot more of that kind of song.

I'm gonna check the texts and the emails to see what the listener's response is to that direction.

Yeah.

No, it's nice, man.

You know, I'm not suggesting we turn the whole thing into Radio 3 or whatever, but a little bit.

Nice.

Mix it all up.

Nice.

And then you can rap over it and stuff, maybe.

Here's a bit of Blondie.

This is Atomic.

That's Blondie and Atomic.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

We're going to get into this week's Text the Nation.

But before we do, here's a jingle that I've collaborated with a listener to create.

This was sent in, the backing track was sent in by Neil in Kingston.

He's done a little bit of guitar playing here.

in a Bob Dylan's Come Buffalo Bill style he says that he thought we might enjoy this so here's what I've come up with Neil

Text the nation, ooh, text the nation about the subject that they specified on the radio program.

You've got it, text the nation now.

Woo hoo, doggy, what if I'm using an email instead of texting, is that a problem?

No!

Sort of quasi Bob Dylan there.

Good work.

Thanks very much Neil and Kingston for that So this week, what is our subject?

Well, I was cycling in this morning and when you cycling very early on a sester in London The roads are very empty.

Yeah, and I cycled past a shop and on the pavement outside the shop was a giant letter e Oh a lowercase letter e where did had it come from?

Well, I think they were redoing the front of the shop, but they'd probably gone off for brekkie or a bacon butty.

And they'd left this E just lying in the middle of the street.

And this is why it ties into your umbrella thing you were talking about earlier.

Because when you see something just in the street, it's hard to resist the sense that it's public property.

Sure, no one wants it.

Because it's obstructing this letter E like a sort of Sesame Street letter, just lying there.

It was very big.

It was about three or four foot wide.

It was a nice E. What colour?

It was white.

Very solid.

Yeah.

And I thought,

I mean, I could just have that E. I could pop that E and take it home.

But I didn't.

I resisted it because I knew they'd miss it when they came back.

But it started me thinking about stuff you see in the street that you just decide to sort of take.

Yeah, no one wants that.

If something's in the street then it's pretty, is it accepted that it's pretty much anybody's game?

Well you do feel like that when you're a teen especially.

We've discussed this on shop floors, we've discussed before that if a product falls onto the floor of a shop and stays there for a while, some of our listeners in the past have thought that it's then public property.

But in the street, that's even more exaggerated, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, of course it should be said.

Right at the very top of this text of the nation, that's not the case.

It's going to be council property, probably.

You know, things like road cone, street furniture.

But if someone's left it in the street, it suggests that they don't care about it that much, doesn't it?

I agree with you.

It's like everyone's snaffled at Roadco, haven't they?

Especially in your student days.

I mean, it's a bad thing to do and I remember getting very badly busted for that.

It's fun to have a road sign in your room.

Of course it is.

Don't you think?

Because you're kind of repurposing that stuff a little bit like an American pop artist might.

So this is confessional.

We're not encouraging this kind of behavior or condoning it in any way, but we'd like to know what things you have appropriated from the street.

a bit of civil property sharing, that kind of thing.

The text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

I mean, we had a terrible... We went through a quite prolonged phase of doing this kind of thing.

Maybe we'll talk about it later on in the show.

We got some confessing to do, and not all of it's legal confessing.

You dig?

6 Music, it's 10.30.

Time for the news.

that's the eels very enjoyable stuff there from his album ombre lobo ombre yeah that's right uh that's called the look you give that guy adam and joe here on bbc6 music a lot of listeners are quite angry about my sniggering during your uh classical guitar piece uh it was very popular it went down very well that's good i might dig out some more also i got chastised for mentioning that i was listening to my headphones when i finished excusing my chest

I was just going to say I wasn't laughing at the music.

It was beautiful.

I was laughing at your face and just the idea of you playing it.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, that's all right.

No, you wouldn't laugh at guitar virtuosity.

What would be the point?

Who could?

Yeah, I was told off for mentioning that I was listening to that piece of music on my bike.

Of course, it's very dangerous and children should never be encouraged to

listened to anything on their bikes other than the traffic around them and policemen shouting at them and youths shouting and rapping in the street and flowers being sold, chimney sweeps humming, the sound of music.

What are you doing there?

I don't know.

Just help me.

I was hoping you'd help me.

I thought you were, I was just reading some text the nations.

I thought you were saying something sensible.

My brain is shutting down.

Should we do, oh no, we're going to talk about the electric proms now.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, podcast edit point.

So, listeners, last Thursday we did a show at the BBC Electric Proms, which is an amazing kind of explosion of live music events that happens in the roundhouse in London's Camden Town.

And we acquired the top slot, the best slot, noon on a Thursday.

And the best venue, it was actually quite a nice venue, wasn't it?

It was a sort of little seated room with a stage and a hundred fans came along, a few thousand people applied for tickets, but a hundred, I say fans, you know, supporters, helpers came along, sympathetic humans came along.

And we did a kind of hour of messing around, the highlight of which were the two performances by our winners of our Song Wars karaoke competition.

Fish and Chips, Dish and Trips, Dids and Trish, Dids and Trish from Cornwall who did a brilliant version of your song of Nutty Room.

Lovely close harmony version of Nutty Room over the backing track.

And a young man called Ben Mercer who did an amazing cover of Sontum of Qualys and then I had been sort of

forced into singing Doctor Sexy so I sung Doctor Sexy and I wanted to sing it to someone who had sexy disease and I turned to the audience and said who here has sexy disease expecting everyone to be fighting to get to the stage and no one seemed to have sexy disease at all so we had to force Ben Mercer only because he had tight jeans which is one of the symptoms to come and I did an erotically charged

version of Dr. Sexy.

There were certain things that happened, though, that are available to see on a video, on our blog.

If you go to the Adam and Jo blog, you can check out a kind of 12-minute highlights package, including a montage of the submissions we got for the competition and those three performances.

But there were some things that happened on that day that no one other than the 80 people that were in that room will ever know about.

Special things special things that only they will ever experience secret things a secret song Adam's son.

Yeah some experimental segments But right now we're gonna play you a little clip package of just some of the highlights from that day Ladies and gentlemen hello and welcome to Adam and Joe's song wars at the electric proms and

Before we introduce you to the winners today, we're going to just play a little compilation.

Shout out if you see yourself.

Actually having to do it now.

Exactly.

Couldn't that just be awful?

Someone, however, does have to do it.

Our two winners, we had, uh, Dids and Trish, who are going to sing my Nutty Room song.

And there's Ben Marcer, who's going to sing my Sontum of Qualys song.

Welcome to... Stupid... Question time.

Becky.

Stroke.

Grace.

Here we go.

Wow, he's gonna go to them.

How you doing, ladies?

Adam, do what Russell Brandon does on Big Brother's Little Brother and sit, like, on them.

Right.

That's the trendy thing to do.

I'm not.

I'm... Just get really... That's what all presenters do.

Get really physically close.

Invade.

It's true.

I'm gonna be a bit invasive now, right?

I'm just gonna touch your inner thigh.

It just seems a bit uptight.

When Russell does it, it's more relaxed.

It's still a bit too middle class for this.

I'm just going to pat you on the shoulder there and maybe shake hands.

Jolly good.

Now, could you read out your question for us, please?

What is she going to look like with the chimney on her?

I mean, the literal answer, of course, is that she's going to look dreadful because she will be dead.

Please give a big, warm welcome to Ben Mercer.

Sometimes I wish Roger Moore would come back with her.

I know what a car is, some kind of jetpack, or I'm probably going to wear a union jacket, but you need me.

It's not the eight.

He'd rather punch you in the neck.

Now who would like... Who would like this segment to continue for a while?

If you like boggins, would you raise your hands?

Oh, that's a very good showing for boggins.

Did you hear about the giant bird who couldn't fit in at the tiny bird school?

He was massively ostrich-sized.

Hey, hey, hey!

Thanks, guys.

Come on, that's good.

These are made-up jokes.

Yeah?

Listen to that, Mari.

Wherever you are.

Can we have Dids and Trish on the stage?

A big round of applause for Dids and Trish, please.

And they painted beards on.

There you go.

Thank you very much folks.

Thank you.

Have an enjoy.

And six music.

It was recorded live at the Electric Brahms on Thursday evening, after we did our fun thing in the afternoon.

Thanks again to everyone who came along and everyone who contributed to our Song Wars competition.

It was great fun and we really enjoyed it, so thanks for that.

Right now we're going to get back into text the nation this week.

Text the nation.

Text, text, text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

It takes the nation, this week, could be summed up with the phrase, things in the street that you nick.

I suppose.

But this is a classier program, isn't it so?

Trying to take the emphasis off the nicking.

Off the stealing, off the illegality.

So re-appropriated street junk.

Like, for example, I remember when I was at school, I went to boarding school like listeners.

Like a posh school, right?

And in my dormitory, I thought it would be a fun thing to jazz up the dormitory if I got some things that I'd found in the street and brought them into the dormitory to make it look more groovy, like a kind of student room.

So I found some stacks of discarded newspapers, like copies of the Evening Standard that hadn't been sold and they'd just leave them out at the end of the night, right?

And so... Unless they're the copies for the following morning.

No, they weren't.

They definitely weren't.

They were discarded ones that were going to be cleared away by the council or whatever.

So I kind of transported these stacks of newspapers back to the dorm and built like a wall around my bed with these stacks.

How many stacks were there?

Loads.

Really?

Yeah, like about 40.

And constructed this wall of newspapers.

That's cool.

And then like the housemaster came in and he flipped his wig, right?

And he said, what are you doing?

Are you like a tramp?

Take these back onto the street.

Why are you bringing this rubbish in here?

It's not rubbish, sir.

I'm making a wall of newspapers out of newsprint.

That's a perfect example.

We've had some confessions from people within Six Music here.

We've got a text from Tom, who produces Music Week, who says, My parents still have a set of traffic lights I once liberated in their garage.

I woke up one morning after a night out and they were propped up behind the door in my bedroom.

I think, brackets hope, they were being replaced.

So he must have had those traffic lights for years.

That is the ultimate bit of reappropriation there.

Everyone covers traffic lights.

Here's one from Katie in Islington.

After some central London riots while I was at university in about 2001, we ended up with a giant McDonald's M on our kitchen.

We managed to wire it up and light it up.

Good one.

That's pretty cool.

I mean, if you go to Los Angeles, right, on Sunset or Melrose, I can't remember one of those, there's an antiques shop there and they sell all that kind of stuff.

They charge thousands for that kind of thing.

You know, like a Bob's big boy, big boy man.

Diner, yeah.

Big hollow plastic man.

That kind of thing, and like a big golden arches, you would get loads of them.

Here's one from Jordan from Stowmarket.

When my friends and I were around 14, and this is a troubling one, all right, this is really troubling.

I should end with that one, actually.

I'm going to end with that one.

I'll do another one.

Have we reminded listeners that we are in no way condoning the illegal remove?

Theft is wrong, but it can be ambiguous when things are just left in the street.

It's not ambiguous, Joseph Cornish.

No, come on, it can be.

You don't leave something just in the street if you really, you know, if it's precious to you.

If it's council property, you do, because it belongs on the street.

It's street furniture.

OK, Mr Evening Standard Bedwall.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

When I was at Art College in Manchester, some friends of mine had an entire bus stop in their living room, complete with a sheet of glass at the back with bus route maps on it.

from Nyle in Camberwell.

That's an impressive level of mania.

I'm still going to delay the impactful one.

I don't know about this one.

That's a bit creepy.

Hang on.

Here we go.

Helen in Lewisham.

Once I snaffled a whole bunch of Guardian newspapers left outside of newsagents in the early hours.

When I woke in the morning, I was surprised to find them in my bedroom.

Plus, I couldn't make any financial gain because it was all out of date in 24 hours.

I would only read them once.

It was pointless and shameful.

She nicked ones from the day, though.

I didn't do that.

I did the ones from the previous day.

Do you want to hear the disturbing one?

Hi.

When my friends and I were around 14, we found a dead cat in the street.

We didn't take it, but we returned daily to worship our new cat God, which we aptly named Lucky.

Love you by Jordan and Stowmarket.

Why did you read that?

I don't know.

You know, I thought they'd actually taken the cat home.

I didn't realize that they didn't take it.

I was hoping that they did take it home.

They were worshipping the cat.

Just worshipping it in the street is not so good.

Here's a funny email from some people who worshipped the corpse of a dead cat.

I'll read that out on the family show.

I'm just trying to offset the pants in the street thing with a bit of darkness.

Well done.

Job done.

Yeah.

It's like Lord of the Cats.

Keep these emails coming in, listeners.

We're keen to hear how you have appropriated dead cats and recontextualized things you found in the street, whether it was a legal thing to do or not.

Anyway, here's a free play right now.

This is Ella Fitzgerald.

This is yours, right, Joe?

Yeah, this is my little bit of M.O.R.

sing song, but this is such a beautiful song.

Have you heard Ella Fitzgerald?

She's great.

Yeah, of course.

She's got a good voice, wouldn't you say?

It's just one of the best.

And this is literally like having a bath.

I say that too much, don't I, literally?

Because it's not literally like having a bath.

No.

But it's like, it is like a warm bath.

I mean, it would be if I started soaping you down while this was playing.

Would you mind?

Then it would be literally like having a bath.

This is called with a song in my heart.

This is the voice of the big British castle.

You are listening to Adam and Jo on 6 Music.

We are on top.

That's a good song, isn't it?

It's the White Stripes.

If you listen regularly to this show, listeners, you might know there's like a really sort of stinky dog that comes in here.

Come on, he's sweet.

He is very, very sweet.

But he loves us.

He's really friendly.

This is the thing.

He's really friendly.

But he's got some problems, hasn't he?

He's got some problems with his anal glands.

He's just getting old, I guess.

I feel like he can speak to us sometimes.

Well, he talks.

I mean, rumor is around the building that he was the dog that was on a program called That's Life that went out in the 70s and famous for being able to say the word, sausages.

But anyway, he's called boggins this dog.

He's being he comes into the studio every now and then if you listen regularly I don't know he just wanders around and you know someone opens the door and he trucks dampers in yeah It's funny old business mix your face, but as you know we were thinking of having him put down

You were thinking.

I was thinking.

Well, we were both considering it.

We've got a lot of messages from people who would like that to be done, as well as a lot of messages from people who would like to take care of him.

We put it to the audience vote at the Electric Proms and it was unanimous support for keeping Boggins alive.

Is it actually unanimous?

It was as if they thought that the idea of killing a living thing just because it was getting a bit old was disgusting and wrong.

Yeah.

That is a little bit harsh when you put it like that, though, isn't it?

Well, but sometimes, you know, sometimes it's difficult with... It depends on Boggan's quality of life, doesn't it?

Just looking at the producer now.

James, do we need to point out this is not a real dog we're talking about?

Okay.

No, we don't.

We've had some email.

We've had some emails.

I would like to weigh in on the Boggins the Dog debate.

As I listen to your show on my iPod in the morning, the entire show is heard through my in-ear headphones.

However, the deranged grunts and incessant lickings of dearest Boggins the Dog do not make for pleasant listening.

It feels a bit like my head is being sexually molested by a rabid man-dog who is trapped inside my brain.

Not a pleasant experience in the morning.

Therefore I urge you to put poor Boggins the dog down in as humane of a method as possible.

Dash, lethal injection, gas chamber, electrocution.

I'm not going to read the last two.

Love, kiss kiss, big kiss, big kiss, big hug, big hug, small kiss, small kiss, big hug, small hug, big kiss, John.

There are six kisses from Kate in London and she says, dear Adam and Jo, please for the love of God put down Boggins.

I really can't cope with the sloppery saliva noise he makes.

It repulses me.

Sloppery?

Yeah, that's a good word, don't you think?

Yeah.

And then someone else says, please put us all out of our misery by putting boggins out of his.

Linda Kavanagh says, please get rid of boggins.

The thing is, he still seems happy.

Yeah.

I mean, he is suffering, but he's still happy.

Here's a little clip just to remind you of what a sweet chap boggins is.

Hello, my name's Boggins and I love you and I stink mainly because I just done a poo in a corner and I ate a little bit but I love you and I'm sweet so I'm gonna lick your face

I hope you don't mind and outside I found a bird and I ate it and then I was sick and then I ate that as well but I love you and I'm sweet so I'm gonna lick your face and bite your legs hope you don't mind also I'm gonna sleep in your bed tonight in your nice clean sheets even though I've just been rolling in poo because I love you

How could you not laugh at that?

What's the point in playing a minute of just incomprehensible dog-snuffling noises?

Feels like he's speaking to me, is the thing, when I listen to him snuffling and snuffling.

Really?

Yeah, because I... I don't get that.

Such a sweet little chap.

Because, you know, we got a lot of messages and support.

Some people really love that little fellow.

And, for example, Stephen Tizard says, Dearest Adam and Jo, after listening to this week's podcast, I was mortified to hear that Boggins was going to be put down.

As a member of the newly founded RSPS Boggins, I felt it my duty to rescue Boggins from such an unnecessary death.

And he has done it in an imaginary way, and he wants to know if it's an imaginary dog that he's imaginarily saving.

Does that mean he's imaginarily saved?

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like he's imagined a whole rescue scenario for Boggins.

And because Boggins is an imaginary dog, does that mean that Boggins has been rescued?

Because Boggins is what?

He's imaginary.

He's what?

You told me last week he was imagining- This is getting very complicated.

What are you- Well, what are you- The layers.

You said last week he was imaginary.

I'm playing along with that, yes.

Did I?

Now he's real, is he?

Well, is he real?

Now he's not, because you can't talk about putting down a real dog on a radio show like that.

It would be weird.

He's very ill.

He's not real.

Is he real or is he not real?

You're scrambling my mind now.

I can't answer that question.

Lexi Vasiliu says, you can't put boggins down.

I'll look after him if you don't want him anymore.

If he comes in again, the way to find out whether he's real or not is to kick him.

You can't kick a dog.

Not even an imaginary one.

This is what I'm saying.

You're right.

No, but see if he responds, you know what I mean?

Let's say tweak him.

It didn't mean violently.

I meant a little bit to happen.

What's wrong with stroking him and giving him cuddle and seeing if he licks your face or bites your leg?

Because he stinks.

He does absolutely reek.

can't cuddle him.

He's absolutely rank.

Here's some hot rats.

Here's the hot rats with you got to fight for your right to party.

That's Gaz and Danny from Supergrass masquerading as the hot rats there with their cover of the Beastie Boys you got to fight for your right to party.

You can still listen to the shows that they did for six music on the iPlayer and what were they called the Sunday Best?

Month of Sundays.

I'm such an ignorant guy.

I mean, I find it very hard to remember anything, the older I get.

Actually, this is something that I wanted to talk to you about, Joe.

I mean, we've spoken about this before.

Remembering people's names, right?

I mean, it just doesn't get any easier for me, even though I downloaded Darren Brown's memory podcast thing.

How does he do it?

He's got various tricks.

A memory cathedral?

Right, right, right.

Going through a house and assigning... That's what Hannibal Lecter does.

But it's just not possible when you're introduced to someone, it's a loud room or whatever.

We should explain, like a memory cathedral is a technique for remembering things and you remember a physical space in your head.

You imagine a house or a cathedral or a mansion and you imagine in great detail each room and you put objects or hang pictures that remind you of particular things, right?

Is that the idea?

Yeah, kind of thing.

So if you wanted to do, like, if you needed to memorize a whole shopping list, for example, then you would assign different items to different parts of that imagined space.

And another thing, what's the other really popular technique is, what is it?

Is it associating an object with an event?

Yeah, well, a good one that has worked for me in the past is, for example, our producer's called James Sterling.

So I would imagine something being stirred.

like a cup of coffee being stirred, maybe by a starling or something like that.

Does this make you feel loved, James?

So, you know, I'm imagining a starling stirring some coffee.

So there's a little memorable image there.

And I'm going to remember James Sterling there, although I might call him James Starling or James Coffee Starling.

That's the only potential problem with that.

But it's an unforgettable image, though.

Exactly.

The starling stirring the coffee.

Sweet.

It's a whole new vista of nightmares that's opened up for me, though, because of the school run, right?

And having to go to school with my children... And say hi to parents.

Saying hi to parents.

I am no good.

And my wife, she's got like a photographic memory, and she's brilliant.

She remembers absolutely everyone, and what their children's names are, and all this kind of thing.

The kids are difficult.

I forgot your daughter's name.

That's fair enough.

I can't remember my friends' children's names.

There's so many of them, for goodness sake.

I can't remember my family's names, let alone the names of my children of friends.

But then when I'm going into school, it's a nightmare for me.

I'm quaking.

For a start, it's very early in the morning.

And I don't like getting up before 10.

But since I've had a family, I've had to.

You get up at 6.30 these days.

It's a living nightmare.

And so going to school, your brain is barely functioning.

And then you're suddenly met by people sort of going high and smiling at you and stuff and waving.

And you're supposed to remember who they are and what their son's name is.

And I can never do it.

What's wrong with just a high?

Hey!

Because every now and again it's absolutely clear that I can't remember their name and they say Adam to me, right?

And you should come back with their first name in response and I don't and I feel so bad and I can tell that they are going, you just are an idiot hole and you can't, you know, it's so rude not to remember my name.

You've met me several times.

You know what I think?

What?

I think that's their fault.

Well... I think you're mature enough

for people to forgive you that.

I hope so, I really do.

And you shouldn't get upset about it.

He is one that maybe I wouldn't have been forgiven for, though.

The other day, my wife said, can you please tell Frank's teacher that he keeps forgetting his homework?

Can you ask her to ensure that he takes it home with him at the end of every day?

So I'm like, yeah, OK, where am I?

Talk to Frank's teacher, OK.

So I go into the classroom with him.

There's no one there, right?

We're the first in.

And then the next person to come in is this lady.

And she looks familiar and I'm like, ah, there you go, Frank's teacher.

So I'm talking to her and I'm saying, hi, yeah.

And she's like, oh, hello, how are you?

I'm like, yeah, good, good, good, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I say sort of half-heartedly because I'm not 100% sure it's his teacher, but I'm thinking, I'm going to throw myself into this.

Yeah, um, Frank keeps forgetting to bring his homework back, so I'm really sorry about that.

And I was, and she's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

I was like, yeah, I was, what, so I'm wondering if this, if you can sort of just remind him and, and stuff just to make sure he, he does.

And she's like, hmm.

Okay, um, I don't know.

And then, you know, obviously I realised it wasn't his teacher.

Who was it?

It was just a parent.

A parent that I'd met before.

Someone you know?

Yeah, oh yeah, I'd met them before.

A number of times.

And... That's terrible.

It was absolutely awful.

I was mortified.

I just wanted to run and jump out of the window.

What about...

This technique, right?

This is something that happened to me when we were at the Sony Awards.

A producer came up who used to produce for us at the other radio station.

And he said, hey, Joe.

I said, hey.

Didn't say his name.

And he just came straight back with, you don't remember my name, do you?

Nice.

And so what did I come back with?

Yes, of course I remember.

I said, of course I remember your name.

This was my tactic.

Are you really accusing me of not being able to remember your name?

I said to him and he came back with, yes I am.

You really don't remember my name, do you?

So it went from jokey to quite a serious confrontation within a couple of seconds.

So I stuck to my guns.

I was just like, yes, and I can't believe you're asking me to actually say your name.

No way!

That's what I went for.

I was still slightly tongue-in-cheek, but not a lot of tongue anymore.

Talk about Curb your enthusiasm.

Rapidly diminishing tongue.

What?

You're accusing me of not remembering your name now?

I'm insulted!

It got quite aggressive, and he got... You don't.

You don't remember it.

Stop pretending you do remember it.

You don't.

I was like, course I do.

How dare you... It got really bad.

How did it finish?

It didn't.

It just tailed off.

Whoa.

Yeah.

So that's a, you know, that's a cautionary tale.

That's a tactic not to do.

Yeah.

I say, fess up as soon as possible.

Well, I did.

I just said to her, after a few uncomfortable seconds had gone by and she was staring out the window thinking, that guy's an idiot.

I just said, I'm so sorry.

I just called you Frank's teacher, didn't I?

I was talking to you as if you were Frank's teacher.

You're not Frank's teacher.

I'm really, really sorry.

But even the act of saying it just made me seem even more pathetic and adult.

You know what I'm saying?

I think you're very human and lovable.

God he's here again Quickly get out woggins.

Look I've got to talk about the free play here is a track from the very best's album We've played their single before that they did with the guy from vampire weekend, but this is I'm really enjoying the album It's the kind of thing.

I wasn't sure I was gonna enjoy

But it's grown on me like a wonderful fungus.

This is Yalira.

I'm doing a gig with John Richardson this week at the 100 Club.

Cool!

I think he's emceeing or... I can't remember if he's emceeing or doing a stand-up bit himself.

He's a very talented stand-up, that guy.

I'm looking forward to it.

And looking forward to seeing you if you're coming along on Thursday.

No, I'm not going to... Ah, sorry.

I wouldn't invite you.

Do you like just fun quizzes?

I love quizzes.

You love just a fun quiz?

Sure, I love a fun quiz.

Just for no reason?

Yeah.

A sort of general knowledge kind of a quiz?

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to do one?

The listeners could do one.

I'm very bad at general knowledge, though.

Well, it's pop cultural knowledge.

The listeners could join in at home or wherever they are.

Just for fun.

We like fictional bands, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Don't we?

We like a good fictional band in a novel aura.

So I'm going to read you the name of a fictional band.

You have to tell me what movie it comes from.

OK, good one.

Hey, that's my bike.

What film's that from?

An old film.

Nineties, even.

Is it?

I mean, there's a few of these.

So how long should I give you to think about them?

I've no idea.

Hey, that's my bike.

No idea.

Reality Bites.

Reality Bites of course.

How about this one?

Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld.

Come on.

That's not the Lost Boys, is it?

Timmy!

and the Lords of the Underworld.

Timmy!

What's that?

South Park, you nutbag.

Kurt Wild.

Oh, I know Kurt Wild.

That's spelled at Gold Mine.

Famous ruxing a Kurt Wild, yes.

Nick Rivers.

Nick Rivers, I know Nick Rivers!

Come on, push!

80s film.

Zuker Brothers.

Yes, yes.

Oh yes, yes, yes.

Top Secret.

Yes, Val Kilmer.

Sim One.

That's from Sim One.

That's our fictional rock star.

She's good though, isn't she?

If she existed in the real world, she'd be very famous.

She's computer-generated.

I know that gig, the big stadium gig, is amazing.

That's one of the most incredibly idiotic films ever made.

Okay, Baldwin and the Whiffles.

What?

That's a made-up one.

No, it's in a film, Baldwin and the Whiffles.

The lead singer is, I think, well, it's a film with Johnny Depp in it.

Not Alec Baldwin.

No.

Johnny Depp.

That's a good name for a band though, don't you think Baldwin and the Whiffles?

Definitely.

It's from Crybaby.

John Waters Crybaby.

Oh, there you go.

Crucial Taunt.

Who's that?

That's famous, man.

Crucial Taunt.

Nineties famous.

Uh, Singles?

Nah, Wayne's World.

Wayne's World.

I don't remember that from Wayne's World.

Wild Stallions.

With a lie.

There you go.

That's easy.

That's bollanteau.

Yeah.

Cherry Bomb.

This is obscure.

Can I say Singles again?

No.

There's some bad bands in Singles.

It's a film that stars a duck.

Oh, Howard the Duck.

Yes.

Nice.

How many other films star a duck?

And final one, what film is this fictional rock star from?

Lady Gaga.

The Arts is Baby's Day out.

That's the end.

of the quiz it's just a fun quiz it's just a fun quiz here's peter bjorn and john peter bjorn and john with the home base sad there tiny bit overplayed oh come on it was a question no do you think it's a tiny no no you're gonna start telling me that hey yah by outcast is overplayed next you freak of nature was that a remix of that or is that the original mix that's the one boy i forgot it went all bongo crazy you didn't hear um desert island discs with that lady sailor on the other day did you i should have poured in her selections

It was, and this is going to sound very sexist and reductive, but it was the most classic selection of lady music you've ever heard.

What kind of thing?

There was... Is there some enya?

There's a bit of Phil Collins on there.

There was Boys of Summer by Don Henley was on there.

Any M people?

There could well have been some M people, but I mean, I wish, maybe we'll try and call it out.

It'll be online, won't it?

It'll be on the Radio 4 site.

I'm sure they'll have a list of what was on Desert Island.

Hit, lady hit, after lady hit, after lady hit.

this classic punch me in the face please I deserve it here we go what up boosh thanks very much coming up still in the last half hour of the Adam and Jo six music radio show we have got some more textination and we've got made up jokes for you and the made up jokes are still coming in thick and fast I got some good ones man I've got some I've got some jokes that are so good that I they've made me suspicious

Oh, really?

A gentleman has sent in two really, really good jokes.

So he's either a liar or some kind of a genius.

Hmm.

Or maybe both.

It's 11.30.

It's time for the news.

Lovely stuff.

Collects a Co.

there with Crystal Frontier, Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Check out some of these lady hits from Dame Ellen MacArthur.

Hey, Yarr, which is what reminded me.

You know, that's fair enough.

These are all good songs, incidentally, but it was just having them all bang one after the other.

Here with me, Dido.

through the barricades, spanned our ballet.

And then topping it off with, oh yeah, I wish it would rain down by Phil Collins.

Topping it off with Fix You by Coldplay.

Bang.

Come on.

That's adventurous taste.

She could do like, she could compile a whole album just called it.

That would be very successful.

Babies like that sell really well.

Yeah, they do.

Do we have some made up jokes?

Yes.

Here's the jingle.

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party

So I was reading these jokes last night, reading through all the listeners' jokes, and as I said, I came across these two really well-crafted jokes, the suspiciously well-crafted, and now that I look at them in the cold light of the morning, I don't think they can be made up.

Do you know a guitarist that could make... Hang on.

Do you know a guitarist that could make me a yeasty sandwich?

No, but Johnny Marmite.

brilliant you see suspiciously brilliant though here's the next one he sends and there's no context he just he just fires out the two jokes then says goodbye his joke number two knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock who's there a spider

That's alright.

That's good man, that's good.

That's good for the playground.

Cheers, Jim Stewart.

Johnny Marmite is a stroke of genius.

Yeah.

But the thing is, I can hear myself saying this every time I've said this in the past, I've been enthusiastic about jokes in the past.

But Johnny Mar's been around for a long time, a lot of journalists in lots of frivolous mags have written gags about him.

Yeah.

Someone's probably come up with that one, Johnny Marmite.

Have you got any jokes?

Sure, I do.

Here's one from Tom Baz in Londononon, he says.

Greetings, says Tom.

What does Martin Sheen shout when he desires his favourite fruit-based soft drink?

I don't know.

Apple Calypso now!

Whoa, that's good.

Very good, thanks, Tom.

Oh dear, I can't read up that one.

Shall I give you another one while you're waiting?

Here's one from Emma in... Actually, no, I'll read you this other one.

This is from Shane in Dublin.

Dear Adam and Jo, I'm a big fan of the podcast.

I listen to it in bed every Monday night in a sleepy drunken haze after coming home from the pub.

On this penumbra of consciousness, I gleefully chuckle my way to sleep.

Not the healthiest habit, I admit.

Here's my joke, though.

What was Danny Glover's response when asked why he was throwing out a skin-tight T-shirt?

I'm getting too old for this shirt.

That's good.

That's definitely made up, though, isn't it?

How about this one?

Why was the 3D animator depressed?

Because his life was a mesh.

That's a good technical joke there.

It's one for the folks at Pixar.

Yeah, section of the audience would enjoy that.

That's from Nick in Nottingham.

By the way, Shane, you promised that you would cut down on your booze if I read out your joke.

All right.

So you stick to that promise.

Here's one right now from Tom Bysuth.

and he says, Hi Adam and Jo.

I have a topical made up joke, especially if like me you live in Leeds with the ongoing bin men strike and of course everybody's experiencing the postal strike.

His joke is, How do workers at an orchard show their dissatisfaction with their employer?

They former won't pick it line.

A bit better than that, please.

Thank you.

When you read out jokes, I go... I whoop with laughter.

Do you?

And you just go... I didn't understand it.

I'm too thick.

They won't pick it because they work in an orchard.

Right.

They're picking things for a living.

That's what they do.

They're picking apples, picking cherries.

It's like what you do when your nose goes on strike.

Oh, okay.

Well, you've reduced it to that level.

Well, that's a classic.

What do you do?

Come on there.

Here's another one.

What?

Hello, here we go.

Although the following joke is based around a pun and clever use of wordplay, I'm quite convinced that it has never been used before, therefore it's completely original and brilliant.

I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of my efforts.

Quote, I once scuppered a young child's plans for a nonviolent protest in India.

It was like taking Gandhi from a baby.

Craig Paradise from South End on Sea.

That's very good.

There's something there, isn't there?

Yeah, I like that one.

Yeah.

That's good.

Sophisticated.

One last one from me.

This is Jason from Jason Stubbs.

What do you call a rock band formed by a tortoise, a hare, a monkey and an ostrich?

I don't know.

Smashing pipkins.

Oh, that's good.

I mean, that's retro.

That's very retro.

Younger listeners won't know what that is.

Nice one, Stubsey.

That's a 70s TV show.

Can I do you some rapid fire ones?

Go on then.

Some kind of low quality rapid fire ones.

What do you call a film directing worm?

Don't know.

Wrigley Scott.

Bracket's probably done before.

Very obvious.

Kevin Tenuous, Palmer Ibiza.

I like it.

How does one attract members of the opposite sex during a nautical disaster?

By using a flirtation device.

Nice.

Ed Z, North London.

When and where is Superman getting buried in a crypt tonight?

You know it.

That's Ian Horseman.

Yeah.

Okay, one final one, right?

This is from a family.

We like family things on this show, right?

Yeah.

So this is Tracy Gregory, who sent in this little clip of her young son, her three-year-old son, Riley, providing a punchline for this joke read out by her partner, I think.

Here it is.

Oh, sorry, James, I sprang that one on you.

It's too busy stirring coffee like a little starling.

Like a little starling.

Have you found it?

Here we go.

What do you call a line of Barbies?

Oh, is that what it was?

Yeah.

I thought he said, what did you call a lion bar?

No.

What do you call a line of Barbies?

A barbecue, that's good.

That's very good.

Did he watch the story there?

He didn't make that up, the child, did he?

Because that would be extraordinary.

I don't think it was, he says, I sincerely hope that my wife and I made up this joke

Ourselves for our three-year-old son and we didn't pinch it from someone.

So yeah, they go.

They believe they made it up themselves And that's good Riley was just providing the punchline.

Thank you very much for all those made-up jokes I'm sure we'll have some more next week right now.

Here's the dead weather with I cut like a buffalo I cut like a buffalo.

That's the dead weather Adam and Joe here on BBC six music Let's have the text the nation jingle one last time

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, taste!

And it's all about, uh, nicking some stuff from the street with weak listeners.

It's not about that at all.

It's about re-contextualizing objects which have been abandoned in public spaces.

Yeah?

Nice.

So here is one from Lucy Cook.

No, it's not.

Why does it say Lucy Cook?

Oh, she's the person who's printed it out.

Hello, Lucy.

Yeah.

Hey!

She works.

She works here.

It is from her.

Because she handed it to me.

She handed it, right.

Actually, she didn't.

I printed this one out.

A tissue of lies.

This is from David in Watford, all right?

I once found an electric LED dot matrix sign on my way home one night.

After a while, I spent some time wiring up a car battery to it to see if it worked.

To my amazement, it worked.

I found it attached to a shop.

And it said the words, girls, girls, girls, nude, 20p.

That's the best thing in LED, Simon can possibly say.

We had it in the kitchen until it caught fire.

A friend offered to reprogram it.

I said, why would I do that?

I also have a working traffic light in my disco garage.

Nice.

You know, why are these things so desirable?

For me, it's watching American teen movies.

They always have road signs and stuff and neon lights, don't they, in their bedrooms.

Like Tom Cruise in Risk for Business.

He's got a very good neon sign that flashes while he indulges in some odonism.

that's right it's quite a racy scene yes yes yes you wouldn't find in a film anymore and ferris bueller has he got that kind of stuff around his bedroom bound to bound to i'm going to go home and watch that racy scene tonight with my family that'll be fun here's one from adam from yeetlity yeetlity second that'll be right

Oh, that's a tough one, isn't it?

My brother-in-law saw a large, comfy, easy chair in the road outside his house and assumed somebody was refurbishing.

Decided to take it.

Three days later, him and all his housemates got terrible skin infections.

They had received bed bugs from the free furniture, had to be quarantined for three weeks to get rid of the infection.

That is the downside.

That's very common, isn't it?

I think we did that as students saw a big plush sofa.

It was a bit damp.

Never mind, it'll dry out.

Brought it into our student flat.

Scabies.

Things start crawling out of it.

That's right.

You never know.

I wouldn't go for a secondhand sofa or a discarded mattress being the worst one.

No way!

Jo in Primrose Hill, I found a homemade magician's box.

Used to cut a woman in half in the street.

Is that feasible?

I suppose if the act had gone wrong.

Here we go.

Look, I told myself that if it was there 10 minutes later then it was definitely being thrown away and was fair game.

Sure enough, 10 minutes later it was still there and I dragged it home.

My excitement was slightly dampened when I found strange stains on the metal blades, but I kept it anyway.

With hindsight, I may have either ruined an amateur magician's fledgling career, spoiled a child's birthday party, or concealed evidence from a horrific, conjuring bloodfest.

The Evac could have been it.

I mean, did I talk to you before on a slightly related note about finding this bike in France?

No.

I found it in a ditch, right?

Disguarded by the side of the road.

Oh, you did.

Yes.

And then, and I came back for it later as well.

Yeah.

After I'd hidden it behind a hedge.

Moved it and hidden it!

He prob- Yeah, well you know what was going on there, don't you?

No, it was not a farmer.

He hadn't abandoned it.

He had.

But if you want to leave a bike somewhere and you don't have a lock or anything to lock it to, you might hide it in a ditch or just put it out of sight in a bush.

And you hope- But by the side of a main road in the middle of nowhere?

Buckle's won't come along and- Listen, I feel bad about it this day and I'm worried that secretly I've been cursed because it was the devil's bike.

I'm sure you're fine.

This is why I've got my elbow in problem.

Well, maybe it's why your bikes keep getting stolen the whole time.

Here's a final one from Pete Brackett's student Sheffield.

Close brackets.

Hi, A and J. Me and my flatmates found a table football in a nearby skip.

We took it late at night.

It was very mucky and had dog poo on.

as Boggins' table football's table.

But that's another thing, isn't it?

You get something home that you think is really exciting and then you play with it for a bit and then you... You discover why it was thrown out?

Yeah.

It's got dog poo on it.

You know, don't forget listeners that if you have something to contribute to this during the week, if you're listening again or downloading the podcast, the email address is adamandjo.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

No texts during the week, please.

It'll be a total waste of money.

Right now, here's the beta band with Gone.

That was your free play, Joe.

Sorry, I failed to realize that.

Don't worry.

That was the beta band.

No, beta band from Hot Shots 2, their album.

It's quite a melancholy selection, that one.

Yeah, but it's good.

Yes, very good.

Very haunting and they're amazing.

Beta band.

They are lovely.

That's it for us, folks.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up very shortly.

Don't forget to go to the blog and check out those highlights from the Electrical Proms.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks to everyone who's texted and emailed.

Did you say check out the podcast already?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Check out where the podcast comes out Monday evening.

Don't forget to check that out, of course.

Yeah, and the Electric Proms video on the blog.

We'll be back with you the same time next week.

Right now, we're going to leave you with the fall.

The money is sort of tabla.

Take care.

Love you.

Bye.