The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (17 October 2009)

Right now, Adam and Jo Hello and welcome to the big British castle It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio

Love is like a heatwave by Martha and the Vantellus.

That's supposed to be ironic, James, our producers.

That's supposed to be a little ironic reminder of the fact that he's absolutely brassic outside and he's like well winter now.

Thanks very much.

Summer's totally dead.

Thanks for rubbing that in my face, James, with that choice of song.

Martha and the Vandalas heatwave, like a smack in the mouth first thing on a Saturday morning.

Thanks, James.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Good morning, listeners.

Welcome to the programme.

This week, a very special show.

We've got X Factor boyband JLS in the studio.

For three hours, we'll be asking them what it's like to work with Lamar, talking about their number one single, Beat Again, How That Felt, and of course, exclusive news about their brand new single coming out early November.

That's right, Aston, Marvin, JB and Otis right here in the studio.

And you're behind that, aren't you, Adam?

You really lobbied heavily to get JLS in.

I thought it was important that we have some live bands and some young guests and young people.

No, no, they can't play live.

What do you what the?

How do you mean?

Well, they can play live, but they're not they're not going to play.

Well, actually, they can't.

What are they going to do then?

Just chat.

You know, what's your favourite pasta shape?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know all the questions I had?

Fun question.

Who's your favourite restoration poet?

Will they at any point cry?

Uh, hopefully.

Yeah, that's the point, right?

Yeah.

We'll make them cry.

We'll make them cry, of course.

Yeah.

That's coming up later in the show.

That's not coming up later in the show, ladies and gentlemen, just to clarify.

Because there might have been some people out there who tuned in for the first time, they'd heard about the show and they thought, hey, this is, wow, this is a good show.

They've got a good lineup.

I've got nothing against JLS, by the way.

No.

I don't know James.

Well, I know James Linden Stanford.

He used to go to school with JLS.

That's who it is.

So what have we got coming up in the show if JLS aren't on?

All sorts of stuff, but we can't be specific about it, that would be wrong.

I tell you what though listeners, I've got one, I've got, I bring it, like I print out a sheet of notes.

I've got an ongoing file on my computer that just says, it's called Six Music Ongoing.

It's a word document and I just pick away at it all week with things and bits and bobs.

I've got like 13 pages of material here.

Have you?

Yeah.

It's mostly made up jokes.

Right, we've got a lot of made up jokes.

That's what we've got coming up.

We've got some made up jokes.

We've got a very huge response to retro textination from last week, like celebrity names that you repurpose in your everyday life.

Celebrity, yes.

What, did you not like the way I said that?

You said it just in a cool, exciting way.

Celebrity.

It's like celery or something.

People have been asking about my L bone.

which I was complaining about.

I've had an ongoing problem with my right elbow listeners, which we refer to as my elbow, and it's been incredibly painful.

It's not as bad as it was last week.

My sling is off.

The sling is off.

Ooh, it's on the floor.

That's a very poor bit of pop appropriation.

Because it doesn't sound like the heat, does it?

Nothing like it.

But I'll tell you what I'm going to do, though.

I'm going to take some drugs live on the radio.

That's really bad.

Hey, BBC presenters aren't supposed to do that kind of thing.

Should we play some music now?

Here is a hot new track from a hot new band.

Well, they're not new anymore, but they're still hot.

Vampire Weekend.

This is Horchapa, taken from their album Contra, their new album, which will be released in January 2010, the year we make contact.

And, uh... That's true, isn't it?

It is true, we can think about that.

I had thought about that about next year.

Think about that while this is playing horchata.

How very fashionable.

What?

That record.

In what way?

Don't know, it just got all the quirky sounds.

Well, that's because they're that band.

I know, it's a good thing.

You say it in that sort of jaded way.

You're taking the mic out of them just for sounding good.

What's your problem, Uncle Spiky?

listen it's black squadron command time listeners uh now how do you think it's going black squadron uh the whole black squadron thing well it's a lie it's a thing for the live show isn't it because it's it's you can't really put it in the podcast no so there's a whole section does that make you feel weird about it

No, I think it's a fun thing for the live listeners for Black Squadron.

This is a whole point of Black Squadron.

It's a live only thing.

What do you think of the whole photo command thing?

How that's been going?

I think you are further reducing the amount of people because they can't see the pictures.

However, for the people that send in the pictures and then look at the photo gallery on the blog.

Hang on a second.

Everyone can see the pictures on the gallery.

Yeah, on the blog.

Yeah.

How many people do you think actually go there?

20,000 million.

That's true, isn't it?

That's a lot of people.

So what am I talking about?

Listen, statistically, the first Black Squadron photo command got 41 photo responses.

That was pan hat.

The second command, poltergeist attack, received an extraordinary 121 responses.

That's the one that crashed my email server.

Backwards closed the following week, maintained that figure precisely, 121 photo responses.

Last week, toast bracelet,

70 responses I'm amazed you got that many So I don't know I you know that if one were to make a curve out of that I mean it's it's really dropped off hasn't it last week.

Do you mean a graph a curve?

I don't know, maybe it's because it was quite sunny last weekend, I'm thinking.

I mean, this weekend is a bit more gloomy looking down here in London anyway.

Maybe we'll get a better response.

Yeah.

So here we go.

So stand by Black Squadron for your photo command.

We're going to give you a kind of a theme and you have to take a photo on that theme and text it to us 64046 or email it adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Just have to establish some parameters before I issue the command this week.

Do we on this programme use the word toilet, loo or lavatory?

Very, very seldom, unless it's completely important.

But if we had to describe that area, which of those words would we use?

Because it's something people get very...

Oh yes.

Very hot under the collar about, don't they?

Some people would never say toilet, some people would think it's disgustingly, you know, trashy to say loo.

I'm upper middle class, stroke, royal.

So I would say loo.

You would say loo?

Yeah.

Is that what the royals say?

Yeah, that's what we say.

And then if you were to describe what you use in there,

Uh, would you describe it as paper, tissue or roll?

Oh, no, we say poopy paper.

Do you say poopy paper?

Poo-poo paper.

Or TP.

No, TP?

Yeah.

What do you really say?

I, I, do we do say TP?

You say TP?

Oh, I see.

You just initialize it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, that doesn't really help me.

Why?

Because I need to describe.

Oh, no, we'll say TP.

It's a bit abstract.

Well, Lavi paper.

What's wrong with that?

Lavi paper.

Okay.

Alright, Black Squadron, stand by.

Sorry mate, we're going to fire off a track after this and I'm going to tell you folks that it's going to be Emmy the Great with We Almost Had a Baby.

That will be firing off as soon as Joe issues the command, so stand by Black Squadron.

Okay, I'm worried about the command.

It's gonna happen.

For reasons I explained earlier.

Do you think it's gonna be alright?

Because it's gonna be fine.

It involves lavatorial props, so you're worried it's gonna go into them.

People will misinterpret it.

Sure.

Well, that's something that we can, you know, it's only gonna affect us.

Okay.

Here's the Black Squadron command for this week.

Here it is.

Lavi paper Egyptian mummy attack.

That's lovely stuff, isn't it?

Emmy the Great with, we almost had a baby.

And she is known as Emily Moss.

That's her real name.

She's known as Emmy the Great.

She was born in 1984, which makes her five.

Five years old.

And she's known by her stage name as Emmy the Great.

She's a London-based singer-songwriter.

I'm just reading the notes.

You're doing a very good job.

It's informative.

That track was from her album First Love, released earlier this year on the Close Harbour label.

There's a little photo for her here.

It doesn't do her justice, does it?

Well, she's uncommonly attractive.

She really is.

She came and played some music for us when we were at Glastonbury.

She's beautiful.

She is absolutely great in every conceivable way.

Now, we've got a free play coming up, or I've got a free play, and I've chosen a prefab sprout track.

You know, Dermot O'Leary plays a lot of prefab sprouts.

Does he?

On his Radio 2 show.

Well, it's the Irish connection, right?

Yes, I suppose that's true.

Is that a clever thing to say?

Is he actually Irish, though, Paddy McAloon?

I would have thought so.

You reckon?

Yeah.

I don't know if he definitely is.

I suppose you might be right.

But we're old prefab sprout fans, right?

Yeah.

And particularly the first two albums, Steve McQueen, which is the second one, and the first one is... What's it called, the first one?

Swoon.

Swoon, of course it is, yeah.

I mean, those are two of the best albums ever made, you know, to say nothing of them being...

Young people might not know who they are, but they're a terrific band.

They're one of those bands whose singles really never were a particularly brilliant indication of how great their album material was, right?

Yes.

If you just heard the things that charted, you might get the wrong end of the stick.

Well, there's two very different types of prefab sprout.

There's one quite weird, angular, indie, poppy one, right?

And then there's quite a sugary, some would say overproduced prefab sprout.

And I, you know, I like both, personally, don't you?

You love Overproduced Sugar.

I really do.

I'm going to play an Overproduced Sugary number right now from one of their albums.

Cool.

And this is from, I think it's from Langley Park to Memphis, their album.

It doesn't sound very fun.

Just sounds a bit shaky, fact-wise.

Fact-wise.

I can check.

Why not just say that once at the end of the record, tell people what album it's from?

Yeah, I suppose so.

But here's the thing, that we got an invitation, or not an invitation, but the suggestion that maybe myself and Joe might like to interview Paddy McAloon.

He's famously reclusive as well as the other thing.

Yeah.

And so we were sort of unsure as to whether we should do it or not.

I think maybe it's a bad idea, like, because you shouldn't meet your heroes.

And what could go wrong?

Well he I mean I think I get the feeling he's just someone who's not particularly at ease with being interviewed and being a public figure and What could go wrong is that he might find it very but we're not very professional are we we wouldn't sort of ease over those bumps?

Would we know I mean it would be a bit of a marriage made in hell wouldn't it I

Yeah, yeah, it would be strange because we'd be uncomfortable and the onus on us would be to be silly and... Would it?

I don't think.

Why would they ask us to interview him?

I don't know.

If they didn't want it to be ridiculous.

You're right.

Anyway, we'll figure it out.

But here's Prefab Sprout.

This is a track called Knock On Wood from Langley Park to Memphis is the album it came from.

Holy moly, we're going to be at the elected prom.

Fleetingly.

What time are we on?

12 noon on a Thursday.

Yeah.

The hottest slot-est.

The biggest slot.

Well done Black Squadron.

It's been an extraordinary response to the command this morning which was Egyptian mummy

Lavi paper attack or something and what a response I mean for about the first three or four minutes of that Emmy the Great track that's the track we played isn't it out of the command there was nothing mm-hmm and I thought oh god this is a disaster but then I literally chatted to you for about 30 seconds literally did literally did turn back to my computer desktop and there were scores

particularly good one here has come in from... Oh no, Phil!

How much is a score?

Is it a score 12?

10.

Yeah, so scores plural is like units of 10.

How many do you think a score is?

20.

Why would a score be 20?

What sort of a unit is 20?

We don't know anything.

I know, it's 10.

You reckon?

Yeah, it's, you're just, I'm surrounded by ignoramuses who are undermining my confidence.

You're the king of the ignoramuses.

What are you talking about?

I've got a B in O level maths.

A B!

B. I know what a score is.

Now I've lost the flipping text.

It's a good show, isn't it?

The picture.

Glad you tuned in, aren't you?

Well, there's very good ones of a cat.

It's a score.

Paddy McAloon is definitely Irish, I reckon.

We've got a listener saying he's from Stockton-on-Tees.

What the listener is from Stockton-on-Tees.

Didn't you say the listener said Paddy McAloon?

Paddy McAloon.

But you know, we can't just accept anything anyone sends us in as fact, just because it's an opinion that isn't ours.

We get lied to so often.

All right, look, I tell you what, this whole thing about a score being 10, if I'm right about that... Let's figure this out.

Okay, point one.

Is Paddy McAloon Irish?

Point one, right?

We need some corroboration, ladies and gentlemen.

Point two, what is a score?

Is it 10?

Is it 20?

Okay, listen, if a score is 10 though, I am always right about everything, okay?

And there can be no more questioning my authority.

We're going to make this the lynchpin.

Really?

Yeah, this is the example.

This is the, um, you know, I can't finish the sentence even.

This is the Rosetta Stone of your kingship of the right kingdom.

Right.

You can never question my authority again if a score is 10.

What was your stance on Macallune?

I'm just curious to know whether he... I don't know if he is actually Irish.

I mean, I feel like he's probably from... His ancestry is probably Irish, isn't it?

But I don't think he himself is born and raised in Ireland, is he?

I'm not sure.

But we need your help, listeners.

And what was the other point?

Wasn't there one more thing?

What, that we're not sure about?

Yeah.

I know, just those two so far.

But we're only like half an hour into the programme.

I'm sure there'll be more.

There'll be an awful lot more.

I'm certain.

So yes, we said earlier on that we're going to be at the Electric Proms on Wednesday.

No, Thursday, isn't it?

and we will be announcing later in the show who the winners of our Electric Proms Song Wars competition are.

Myself and Jo have picked, out of all the entries we got, just two acts, right?

Yeah, one to represent your song, one to represent my song.

Yeah, and in the end, how many entries did we get?

Well, there were 17 Sontum of Qualys entries, I think.

How many Nutty Room entries were there?

Around the same, maybe 20 or something.

And a pretty high standard in the end.

Why are you saying it like that?

Because it's not true.

How rude.

No, I'm joking.

It was a high standard.

I tell you, it divided very sharply between really pretty disturbingly mad and really very, very good.

But what I did was, because we weren't exactly overwhelmed with entries, right, I was able to go on to the YouTube channels and leave personal comments for them.

Insulting comments?

Well, no, I had to tread carefully in some areas.

Yeah.

Because some of the entries we got did look like the work of, you know, people from... The mentile.

Yeah, yeah, the kind of people that Dexter might go after.

But I left comments for all of them, and we'll be finding out who has won that competition later on in the program.

And I've made some comments as well.

I think some stuff that we kind of wrote up is going to be put on our blog during or after the show.

So check out the Adam and Jo blog.

I should say as well, I was looking out there for the first full body toilet paper mummy.

Oh, yeah.

I think that's very impressive because it's quite hard to wrangle toilet paper.

It does tend to rip, doesn't it?

Without a partner, it's very hard.

yeah or even with especially when you're wrapping it around the whole body and often if you when you try and tie it off the perforations let you down yeah and if it's a bit damp as well it tends to why would it be damp oh it doesn't matter it's just gone 9 30 here on bc6 music it's time for the news Lily Allen with the fear this is Adam and Jo here on BBC six music welcome listeners very nice to have you along on this quite chilly Saturday morning

We hope, maybe, that we'll help to warm your cock-hills with our radio rubbish.

So, listen, earlier on, we were talking about the fact that Joe was convinced to score... Was 20.

Was 10.

And I really hinged my... I pinned my reputation on that one.

I said that, you know, if I get this right, then I'm going to be right about everything.

He wanted it for me.

It's so convinced, was he, that he was right.

I got a B in O level maths, he boasted, that he insisted the result of the answer be the linchpin stroke Rosetta Stone of his kingship of the kingdom of rightness hereafter.

We've had various emails.

Joe Tiltman says, dear correct Adam and foolish Joe, a score is 20.

Ah, he says something quite rude there that I can't read about me.

Ken Pearce.

I'm afraid Joe is wrong.

A score is 20.

Abraham Lincoln famously used the phrase in his Gettysburg address in 1863.

Nigel Lupton.

Just thought I'd let you know.

A score is 20, as in the saying three score years and 10 to describe someone who's 70.

Years old.

I could go on for a while.

There's a lot of emails.

So did you just not... Gavin Graham.

While I'm at it, 20 big lols.

What happened in the O-Level Maths class then was that... Well, it was a B, wasn't it?

And it didn't have any questions about score, what a score was.

So you lucked out in a way that you got a B. Paddy McAloon, on the other hand, is from County Durham.

That's not Ireland.

That's not Ireland, no.

No, that's T-side.

Yeah, exactly.

That's T-side.

So, you know... Double strikes against cornballs there, surely.

That's not very good, is it?

I mean, I'm personally delighted about the score because you were so confident and you really did insist on basing the whole level of respect and whether we had to bow down and worship you and stuff.

I can't argue with that.

It's true.

Fiesta!

Yay!

In your face, cornballs!

It's a twenty-nine out of ten, you idiot!

Oh!

Oh, that felt good.

Yeah.

Well, I haven't got a leg to stand on, have I?

Dear Adam and Joe, a score is 20.

Everyone seems to have heard of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.

Who is this Abraham Lincoln?

What is this Gettysburg Address?

I've heard of Abraham Lincoln.

Could they all be wrong?

Is there still a chance that everyone could be wrong?

Yeah, there's always a chance.

I mean, it could just be a coincidence.

Listen, I'm celebrating, but I'm even stupider than you are.

So, you know, I'm just getting my jollies where I can.

Here's some great music for you now, listeners.

Wild Beasts.

This is All the King's Men.

Love it.

That's Wild Beasts with All the King's Men.

It's my ambition to be in a Wild Beasts video, Joe.

That's achievable, surely.

You reckon?

I mean, they're a big band.

They've got posters all over the underground just absolutely covered in stars and rave reviews for their album, Two Dancers, which is thought by many to be the album of the year.

You should run out and get it if you don't already own it.

And so they could pick and choose, I would think, because they're so hot right now.

But I would love to be in that.

What I'm thinking is, because I am the polar opposite of the lead singer, I don't know his name, but he's a rakishly good-looking, thin, young man with a little moustachio and that amazing voice, that falsetto.

Like, I could lip-sync, right?

Don't you think it'd be quite good doing a little bit of hairy, squat-man lip-syncing?

Yeah, that would be very good.

Didn't you do that in a video Garth made?

That's true.

I did a similar thing for The Wannadies, yeah, for a track called Little By Little.

Yeah, that would be good.

That's my dream.

I'm hoping it'll come true before Christmas.

I'll let you know if it does, listeners.

But right now, I think we should get into retro textination.

Let's have the jingle jongle.

I like to listen to Adam and John But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Cause I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because rent protects the nation's here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

So last week's Text the Nation listeners was all about repurposing celebrity names, kind of mangling them for daily use.

And to be honest, it didn't go spectacularly during the live show.

We kind of got a few good ones.

Susan's surround sound, I remember being a very good one.

I'm going to be using that one.

The rest of them were frankly not Boris Goodenough.

But during the week, it really took off.

Yeah.

The emails came flooding in and we've got loads of good ones now.

Sorry to go on a tiny tangent, but can I just say it was nice to hear trash back in the jingle there.

Was that the trash version again?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's divided our listeners as well, hasn't it?

Some people love the bin version.

Some people like the trash version.

There are a lot of people.

Some people think a score is 20.

Some people think it's 10.

It's just impossible to please everybody.

Some people think... When there is no right or wrong.

It's from Ireland, in County Durham in Ireland.

I mean, truth is, you know, it's an abstract concept, isn't it?

It's a flexible friend.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So here are the best text the nations we got during the week.

Here's one from Simon in London.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

Listening to your text the nation on repurposing famous names, I thought of a phrase we used to say at uni a lot.

When something was particularly contentious, rather than labeling it controversial, we would say that it was controversial.

after the start of Grease and Face Off.

Take care, Simon in London.

That's good, isn't it?

Yeah, that's very good.

Here's a couple from Jane right now.

She says, here are some fun sprinkles for the show.

That's nice, isn't it?

We love fun sprinkles on our show.

But then she says, don't get too excited about it.

Oh, no.

So she builds it up with the fun sprinkles, then she whips the sprinkles away.

She knows us so well.

She really does.

How many sprinkles are there?

I mean, hundreds and thousands.

Really?

Yeah.

How many scores?

Four score and another four score and then several more scores She says if you have a long hard day at work and you have a drink when you get in that's called a Mike Baldwin or a Baldwin for short Ideally, it would be a whiskey pulled straight into a tumblr.

Why is it called that?

Well, this is more about What's associated with the names than the actual names themselves.

So is she straying outside the rules there?

Well I don't even understand it at all.

Mike Baldwin, I think, he's a soap character who likes a drink, right?

I don't know.

She goes on, if I have a glass of wine while I'm cooking dinner, this is called a Keith Floyd, God rest his soul, or a Floyd for short.

Love, love, love the show.

So she's associating it with like what they were associating with.

That's not within rules.

It's an interesting choice.

I shouldn't have chosen that one.

It's a good, no, it's good.

I guess I, yeah.

I was seduced by the sprinkles.

That was a good opening.

How about this one?

John from Stockport.

Every time my girlfriend puts Savlon on her lips, I always say, putting some Jimmy Savlon.

You even said it like Savlon.

Well, exactly.

I think I did a good job there.

Jimmy Savlon.

Yeah, I'm recovering.

Here's one from Mo, and I think this is within the rules of the retro-textination.

When I think my four-month-old daughter may have done a poo, I say to her, let's go and check your allender bottom.

Makes me chuckle anyway.

Thank you, Mo.

That's good.

Here's one from Claire in Sheffield.

Hi.

When I'm leaving work, I say I'm off, which mutated to I'm offski and has now settled it.

I'm Darren Aronofski.

That's a good one.

I don't think anyone at work knows who Darren Aronofski is, but they just accept it.

Claire from Sheffield.

More fool then.

Here's one from Mark in Godalming.

He says, I know you've probably stopped doing the famous names repurposing thing, but I just remembered a good one that me and my wife do.

So it's not too late.

When you're getting the kids dressed and you're putting their tops on and you ask them to hold their arm out so you can get the sleeve on with greater ease, you sometimes say, put your arm in.

But we say, idiom in.

Nice.

That's good.

And then he says, do you think the former president of Uganda's name is an appropriate one to use when dressing a five-year-old?

I would say no.

Well, I'm from Paul in Beckenham.

If I wake up in the morning and I'm going to visit the parents, or maybe a semi-important business appointment, I might gaze in the mirror, rub my chin, turn to my lovely wife, and ask her, do I need a Hugo Chavez?

Many's the night when I've set my alarm thinking, do I need a Hugo Chavez tomorrow?

In fact, the word shave has lost all meaning for me now, and when I hear the name of the president of Venezuela on the TV or radio, I think about my chin.

But then you have to go for the soft C-H, I would call him Hugo.

A Chavez.

Hugo Chavez.

Well, he's manipulating it there for his own purposes.

Typical of Chavez.

Exactly.

Those are pretty good though, don't you think?

A good result?

Have you got some more there?

I've got one or two.

I've read out all the best ones, to be perfectly honest.

Oh, I've got some good ones.

Give us another.

Here's one from Lizzie Finn.

When I'm feeling, and I do this one as well, I bet you do and I bet a lot of people do, when I'm feeling bogged down a bit with too many boring or mundane things to do at work, which stopped me from doing something more interesting, I'll sometimes say to my boyfriend, I was pretty Peter Bogdanovich today at work.

That's good.

Very good.

I've been Peter Bogdanovich.

I was going to make a Peter Bogdanovich joke on the blog.

I was going to call it the Peter Blogg-Danovich.

Nice.

But then I wondered whether anyone would understand what I was saying.

Of course.

No one under 30 would, probably.

Here's a final one, and this came in from a couple of people who do the same thing.

James and Devon and Stephen McLaughlin, they both say, cats later, as opposed to catch you later.

That's good.

That's quite a classic one, I think.

Yeah.

Here's another EastEnders-related one.

Cats later, is he in EastEnders, right?

I think so.

Oh my God.

This is from Mark Redman, Reedman.

Dear Adam and Jo, my wife and I used to enjoy playing on the tenuous rhyme between escutcheon, the little protective metal disc that covers a keyhole, and Martine McCutcheon, the actor who played Tiffany in EastEnders.

When approaching the door, we would brandish the key and say, excuse me, Martine, as we nudged the escutcheon to one side.

The voice we used for this tended to be gruff and masculine, a bit like Tiffany's dad, Terry.

Sadly, we can't do this anymore as we've got no escutcheons where we live.

Best wishes, Mark Redman.

Wait, wait, I'm reeling from the news that that is called an escutcheon, the little disk that covers the keyhole.

Am I saying it right?

Escutcheon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't trust myself anymore.

I'm walking on mental eggshells.

Your faith in yourself has been shaken to its core.

Come on, that's a good one, isn't it?

To its score.

Tell me it's a good one.

Please tell me I've done something right.

Jobo, that was absolutely... I hate this programme.

That was brilliant, man.

Thanks, man.

That was really good.

Now listen, here's some music that'll make you feel better about yourself, right?

Alright.

I've never heard it before, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be very inspiring.

This is my free play, you nutbag.

This is called... Have you never heard this before?

This is on a compilation Edgar Wright made for me years ago.

And it sounds like a classic to me.

It's by someone called Blossom Dearie.

I think it's remixed a lot.

This is called... It's From... Where is it From?

Hang on.

I'll tell you what year it is from.

Is this alright to do this kind of thing?

Just to stop and then mumble and then flick papers?

Yeah, but I mean... Is that acceptable?

It's you telling us what year it's from.

How can we believe you?

That's true.

I've got no authority anymore.

It's from 2050.

This is Blossom Deary with I Like London in the Rain.

Slightly sort of leave the machine running there at the end.

That's Corner Shop with Sleep on the Left Side and the record before then, the Blossom Deary one, it was from 1970 and that's a fact!

Oh.

From the album, that's just the way I want to be.

It's all right, man.

It's a popular breakbeat sample.

Facts.

Three solid, uncontestable facts.

No, the fiesta really got to you, didn't it?

I don't like negative fiestas.

I mean, that was a bully fiesta.

It was a little bit.

It was just a mocking, it was a nasty party.

What, the in-your-face party?

Yeah, it's just not a relaxing party.

It's like a really horrible surprise party.

If it's any consolation, everyone else has a fiesta.

It's like you come home, you open your door.

Had a brilliant time.

And instead of everyone coming up from behind the sofa and going woo, they come up and go,

In your face, specifically, yeah.

In your face, you idiot hole.

I mean, I deserved it.

Oh, come on.

You didn't deserve it.

I'm really sorry.

You're never going to have a bullying fiesta again this week.

Um, now, what are we doing, ladies and gentlemen?

Oh yes, we've got to stand down Black Squadron before we go any further.

For goodness sake.

I mean, it's 10 o'clock.

They're supposed to be stood down at 9.30.

They've been standing there for an hour wrapped in lavatory paper.

Or at least proper Black Squadron members would have been.

Yeah.

And Black Squadron!

Stand down.

Your work is done.

You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.

And maybe a nice little bargain.

And Black Squadron!

You could have a nice little bun in the bath if you wanted.

That's entirely up to you.

Now, a couple of weeks back, when it wasn't quite so cold, me and my family went to have some family fun at a place called Pleasure Wood Hills over in East Anglia.

It's, you know, other theme parks.

Sounds like a dirty park.

I mean, it doesn't sound like a place to take the kids, to be perfectly honest.

I'd never thought of it like that, but it does sound dirty, doesn't it?

Pleasure wood hills.

Anyway, it's not.

It's an absolutely delightful... There's three of the sexiest words in the English language.

It's true, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

They are the backbone of the porn industry, those words.

So why would you want to take your family?

Especially hills.

I mean, that's dirty.

A big dirty theme park.

It's not like that at all.

Obviously, it's a family fun day out and it's a very enjoyable one too.

And we were having such a good time there.

What did they have there?

They had... I mean, I'd hope they had woods and hills.

It was gently rolling hills.

There was some attractions that were made of wood, mainly fiberglass.

What kind of things?

Uh, you know, slides, water chutes, slides, bums, a giant bum, a huge woman that you could walk inside.

What?

The usual stuff.

Come on, focus.

Just like the image of you and your family going to pleasure wood hills and playing on the fibreglass puns.

That would be fun, you could slide down the crack and... Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, they didn't have any of that, right?

It's a nice place, it's a nice family place.

Although, you know, if we ever got like some spare time and money, we could certainly think about setting up that other theme park.

I think it would be nice.

But we were queuing up for one ride.

It wasn't so much a ride.

It was a little bit like one race.

What are you thinking of the word ride?

Keep talking.

Come on, smarty-minded Cornish man.

Just fun.

So you were queuing up for a ride.

You were queuing up for a ride.

But it wasn't exactly a ride.

No, it wasn't.

What it was was just like a chairlift, basically is what it was, you know?

Do you ever remember the first episode of Father Ted, where there's a kind of very low rent theme park and one of the attractions is just a sofa on a winch being moved up and down or something like that?

There was a touch of that to this... Chairlifts are fun though.

When I was a kid and before I'd ever been skiing, I used to, and I've only been skiing like twice, didn't really like it, but I used to be mesmerised by chairlift.

Yeah.

Brilliant idea, really exciting.

Were your kids excited to go on the chairlift?

Well, they really were.

They were very excited.

So we queued up.

But the thing was, I don't know why exactly.

Oh, yes, because you could get on the chairlift and then get off the other end, or you could go and then come right the way back.

So there was people getting on and off at either end of the chairlift, right, which sort of stretched across the center of the park.

So you had to wait to get on every other chair.

Do you see what I'm saying?

They weren't letting people on every single chair.

So it was taking quite a long time because the chairs were moving imperceptibly slowly was the other thing.

So, queuing up for this thing, even though there are only about six people in the queue, was a very long-winded business.

And in front of us was this couple, these two men, and they were chatting away, and they were very excited about getting on the chairs.

And then there was, in front of them, this big lady, big matriarch, loud woman.

And she was there, and at one point, she turned round to this large group of people that came in and started joining the queue behind us, and she said, Come on, come up here!

You're coming up here!

And we were like, really?

There's about six people that have just joined the queue there and she's inviting them to jump ahead of us.

She's like, yeah, come on.

And they were sort of dithering, sort of not sure if that was cool to go ahead in front of so many people, which of course it wasn't.

But she said, yeah, come on, come on.

I'm standing here.

So you're coming up here.

Come on.

You're all coming and standing.

Come on.

Yes, you're coming here.

Come on.

So they all start pushing ahead of myself and my family and the people behind us.

That's disgusting.

And also this couple of guys in front of us, right?

And I was thinking, surely this is not on because they've just doubled the length of this already very long wait.

So the two guys in front just said, they're not coming and standing there.

No way.

We're waiting in the queue.

And this woman just rounded on them.

She said, what?

They are standing here!

All right, because I say so!

Don't tell me what to do!

It got really aggressive, really fast.

Some kind of theme park in Royston Vasey.

It was, it turned into one at that point.

It was really very aggressive.

And I was thinking, my goodness, these guys are never, but they, they wouldn't stand for it.

These guys totally held their ground.

And they said, you know, they weren't being rude or anything.

He just said, look darling, come on, we've all been waiting.

And she goes, don't call me darling.

How dare you call me darling.

And then she started spitting homophobic abuse at them.

No.

Yeah.

And swearing at them.

And at one point it looked like she was going to get violent with them.

I was thinking,

Oh my gosh.

And then her family of kids and stuff started shouting at these guys and hurling abuse at them as well.

It was really harsh.

Broken Britain.

It was really broken Britain.

But luckily, just at boiling point where I was just thinking,

you know, Count Buckley's might have to step in here.

What would Count Buckley's have done?

Probably, you know, just maced them all.

Really?

I don't know what Count Buckley's would have done.

He would have used his very tremulous... Now what?

Excuse me, can you...

Now, look, stop it.

Anyway, Count Bikinis didn't have to step in because the woman said, all right, we're going to leave.

We're going to leave.

The smell's getting to me in this queue anyway.

It was ridiculous.

It was like a kind of cartoon matriarch woman.

Do you think you would have stepped in in that situation?

I don't know.

With someone that over the top?

No, I don't know.

I don't know.

No, I would be scared because you can't take on a whole family.

God has designed families to... I think in caveman times, whole families would fight regularly.

And the children would go for the ankles, you know, and the sensitive parts.

Head-butting.

Bottoms.

The bottoms.

She was a very scary matriarch.

But when she had gone, I very pathetically leaned forward and patted the guy on the back and said, good on you, mate.

Good on you, mate.

Go Australian for that.

I did go Australian, I don't know why.

And what did they say?

He said, wow, she was taking the mic.

So there was a nice little sense of community after.

What an extraordinary outing.

Wow.

What an amazing theme park.

I recommend it, I tell you.

Right, here's a bit of Most Def right now.

You like Most Def, yeah?

Yeah, this is a good record.

This is called Quiet Dog.

I think it's called Bark Loud, but knowing my luck with the facts, it's not.

I think it's from the album The Ecstatic.

Um, no, that's one previous one, I think.

But listen, forget about facts, where we're concerned.

We're gonna look up these facts during this record, but one thing we can say is this is most death.

Oh no, it's that dog again!

Listeners, uh... Boggins has come back into the studio.

Boggins is quite a controversial dog.

We had a couple of emails.

I can't understand what you're saying.

Natalie in Cardiff says, I love boggins.

He's fab, a great addition to the show.

Any chance he'll be making an appearance every show?

Whereas John Usher from York says, hi, I heard boggins again on the podcast and he's still rubbish.

I'm going to lick your face.

Is it OK?

In fact, listening to boggins makes me feel physically sick now.

I beg of you, please stop allowing boggins into the show.

Thank you, John Usher from York.

I mean, there's two very oppositional views about- I found a bird, I killed it, and I'm gonna eat it, it's okay, I love you.

Sad that he's incomprehensible these days.

But listen, I'm gonna agree with John Usher, and I'm actually gonna have Boggins put down, because he's a nuisance.

And he's not sanctioned at all by the BBC.

He comes in here.

I think the receptionists probably like him or let him in or turned a blind eye.

But he's recently weed on Terry Wogan.

I love you.

Can I eat your face?

He used to be popular when I was on the 70s, but now he's just a relic.

So I'm gonna put him down.

He's frightened.

He's gone off.

What have you done to Boggins?

He ran off.

I threatened to have him put down.

He ran past me as I was coming back from the toilet.

The audience hates him.

I hate him as well.

I hate dogs.

Apart from Natalie and Cardiff, she's the only person who would stand up for Boggins.

She what?

No, come on.

I love dogs.

Well, I'm just joking.

Dogs are adorable.

Why would you want to help her?

I'm talking about dogs.

We're talking specifically about Boggins.

Oh, about Boggins.

elderly, incomprehensible dog with bottom-based problems.

He's sweet.

He's so sweet.

Well, he's gone now, listeners, so let us know if you want boggins put down.

It smells, though, doesn't it, in here now?

Yeah.

It stinks.

He's so sweet.

Let us know if you want us to kill boggins.

Listen, listeners, what?

What?

saying that.

Yeah, in a very, it would be humane, wouldn't it?

He's looking at James.

Yeah, it would be a shot.

He's looking at the presenter and producer just to chat.

Well, there are probably guidelines on executing fictional dogs, aren't there?

You know, this is the big British castle.

You can't just, you can't just murder an idea like that.

Well, we do that all the time.

Murder in imaginative space.

Listen, so I would like your advice, Adam.

Yeah.

Do you text?

Do you like to text people?

I do it once in a while.

The reception I have is not so good.

I'm a keen text.

I love to text.

Do you, when you text someone, do you put a little kiss at the end?

Ah, no, I don't go for the kiss.

No, I just go for the initial.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you really?

Yeah.

That's interesting.

I mean, this is a factor in emailing as well, isn't it?

How you sign off emails.

Actually, now you mention it, I go for the initial in an email when it's clear who it's from.

You do a kiss.

No, no kissing.

No kissing.

Never, never, never.

No.

You never kiss.

Or I put love.

You put love.

Yeah.

Love ad.

Yeah.

In an email.

You see, when I first started texting many years ago, the person I used to text the most, my text buddy, he used to put a kiss.

See you later.

Bye.

See you at the cinema.

So I got into the habit of not three kisses.

It's just one I'm exaggerating for effect.

Yeah Well, it's a weird thing isn't it because he's not a man I would kiss I'm not really even I would kiss him on the cheek But not regularly and you can you find yourself in funny situations when you put a kiss after a text for instance I was texting a friend

quite a new friend and, you know, the kisses were flying.

It was very, it was very mundane conversation, like meeting up and where you're going to be and so and so.

But at the end of everything, it was a little kiss.

So what do you do?

Like, for instance, so your opening one can have a kiss because maybe you think the conversation is not going to go that far.

Yeah.

But then we ended up having quite a long conversation and I was still doing the kiss at the end of each.

Well, you started kissing him too.

Yeah.

You are so easily led.

It's just a fun, I mean it doesn't mean I want to kiss the friend necessarily.

It does.

Does it?

Yeah.

But that's one of the dangerous areas.

Because he stopped putting kisses at the end of his... He was getting freaked out.

...messages.

I kept sending the kisses.

Did you?

Yeah.

Okay then, that sounds good.

Can you imagine if in a real conversation, you just, after every sentence, you just learned tenon.

And then you might be like one of those Euro people who go for, one of the random people who go for a lip kiss.

A lip kiss.

There's someone I'm working with on, the thing I'm working on, quite a professional guy, and at the end of every email, whatever it's about, it's big kiss, small kiss, big hug, small hug kiss.

How do you do a hug?

A circle, I do believe.

Is that a hug?

Well, I think so, unless it's something more racy.

What if it's mouth, some other kind of mouth pleasure?

A tongue kiss?

Yeah.

I mean, these are quite business-like emails we're getting about, you know, photography tests and stuff.

And it'll be, yeah, the tests look really good.

See you on Monday.

That was a tongue kiss I was doing there.

But I'm not going to stop.

I'm going to continue kissing because I think, you know, sometimes you have to take a view on whether to do that kind of thing in a message to your parents as well.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Or whether to do it, you know, sometimes the professional and personal boundary can be blurred if you're working with someone important who you're also friendly with.

Is it good to give them a couple of kisses?

I do see I just go for the casual love.

Which I think for some people is probably a bit creepy anyway.

I'm gonna carry on kissing.

You carry on man.

But I hope you take precautions.

Thank you.

Here's some music now.

This is the Smith's with what difference does it make?

Extraordinary response to my threat to humanely cull boggins.

I mean, the listenership is really, really divided.

Are they?

Some people are absolutely, what's the phrase?

Chomping at the bit.

Chomping or champing?

Both.

Champing and chomping at the bit to see boggins executed.

An anonymous text.

Put boggins in a sack and drop bricks on him.

Oh, that's hot.

I know.

Well, I'm just reading out what people have sent in.

Yeah, this is a this is a fictional dog I know but just the you can't be too careful these days.

I mean look what happened on telly last weekend x-factor and strictly scat both of them Enveloped in scandals.

Yeah.

Yeah, the world is so scandal-sensitive right now certainly it's gotta be very very careful any point

fictional dog.

Let boggins taste the sweet release of death.

I hear it's delicious.

Who's that from?

It's anonymous.

They're all anonymous.

Anonymity is so dangerous.

We want to read out creepy anonymous texts about killing fictional animals.

We love boggins.

Don't do it.

There's someone else.

A lot of younger listeners are very distressed.

I mean, he absolutely stinks boggins.

By the fictional dog.

But he's so sweet.

He's very sweet.

He will drag his bottom across the carpet.

He does.

He's got some problem with his glands, I think.

So he's trying to itch them and it leaves a terrible smell.

He is trying to itch them.

But he's very sweet.

Save boggins.

Don't send boggins to doggy heaven early.

He's brilliant.

Paul in Glasgow.

He's a little kiss there.

Two kisses.

Two kisses from Paul.

No hugs.

What I'd like to do is if listeners give us kisses, can we invite them in to actually give us the kisses?

Just on the cheek.

What's happened with your plan to sleep with the listeners?

I don't know.

There's been very little.

There was a response from the listeners, wasn't there, that the production team haven't exactly swung into action.

Things move very slowly at the castle.

They do, don't they?

It'll have to be approved, but it will happen.

I mean, to say you have to jump through hoops is an understatement of massive proportions.

So, folks, I don't know if you know, but we've got a podcast available of this program, and it's not just like a little condensed package of highlights, although essentially that's what it is.

They just remove the music and the stuff that we can't clear, and you're left with all the talking bits, but you're also left with some wonderful jingles and a little intro and an outro that's a special dedicated intro and outro for the podcast.

But some people still don't know that this thing exists, and we care about the podcast very much, and it's available to download free on iTunes and other places like that every Monday evening.

It usually comes out.

But we want to make as many people aware of the existence of the podcast as possible.

So James, our producer, was suggesting we do some kind of trail, right?

That we can play during the live show.

So running out of time this week, I came up with this.

I'll play you the opening part of the trail.

So this I was thinking that this would go at the beginning of a little package of highlights from the podcast.

So this would be the intro part of the trail.

Here it is.

Hi, my name's Adam Buxton, and I want to talk to you about podcasts.

Thousands of people in the UK get the Adam and Jo podcasts every Monday night.

They're not serious, but if they're not dealt with immediately, they can build up and become irritating.

The podcast is caused by the highlights of Adam and Jo's sixth music show on a Saturday morning, with all the actual music bits surgically removed.

However, there are some extra bits which can be highly infectious.

Do you get the joke?

Well, it makes it sound sort of like quite clinical and dangerous.

It's like a public health warning.

But then I chose the wrong sort of music really to go underneath.

Well, it's like you're repelling people from the podcast.

I'm repelling.

That's the other problem with it.

See, I was playing it because I wanted to see if you'd spot the problem in it.

It's repellent.

It's good though.

It's very good.

You want to hear the outro?

Yeah.

Here's the outro that would come after the packages if this was ever used, which it will not be.

I can't wait.

And it seems like as if I don't have to, which is wonderful.

Here it is.

The good news is that Adam and Joe podcasts are not serious and can be got rid of very easily.

If you'd like to catch Adam and Joe podcasts, your best bet is to hang around the internet on a Monday night.

Or you can sleep with someone who already has Adam and Joe podcasts.

They're generally easy to spot because they're very attractive.

I like the music bed.

That's a sort of... It's like a fun government announcement.

It is, isn't it?

I mean, it's depressing but yet upbeat at the same time.

Like life, quick, like illnesses.

Before my free play, thumbs up or thumbs down for the podcast trail.

Thumbs up, man.

Oh, thanks, man.

Definitely.

It's unexpected.

Here's Wire with Dot Dash.

Wire with Dot Dash.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just after 10.30 and time for the news.

An extraordinary 140 Black Squadron pictures have come into the studio.

Now, that's amazing.

Our previous record was 121.

That's really amazing.

Well done, Black Squadron.

Very good response, Squadron.

And that's not even accounting for the pictures we might receive during the week.

We salute you.

You just heard the police there with So Lonely.

It's a little bit of shtung for you.

And he's got a new album of, like, madrigals played on a mouth harp or whatever.

Has it coming out here?

And will you be buying that one?

No.

You used to love shtung.

Well, I was thinking about that the other day.

I went through a peculiar phase when sci-fi stereo video tapes first came out.

Do you remember?

And for some reason he released his concert film, The Dream of the Blue Turtles, will bring on the night or whatever it's called.

I think they're both concert films.

Well, Bring on the Night was a police film.

Dream of Blue Turtles was his solo album with his wife giving birth in the middle of it.

Yes, and that amazing jazz band he assembled.

Yeah, and he did assemble an incredible, like, jazz funk band.

And yeah, we used to listen to that a lot, to listen to the Omar Hakim drum solos and stuff.

but not anymore.

Have you listened to that album recently?

I haven't, no, it crossed my mind to buy it again, to buy the DVD actually of the film, just as a kind of nostalgia trick.

Love is the seventh wave, I'd say love is the seventh wave.

Hey, hey, it's good.

Hey, it's good.

It's really, really good.

It's good.

So listen, folks, text the nation this week, right?

Let's have the jingle-jungle.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

I mean, what's happened, essentially, is that text donation and retro text donation within the body of the live program have kind of swapped places.

Text donation now is really just, we get the topic rolling and then people are welcome to respond to it either in the live program or during the week.

And we do get an awful lot of people listening on the podcast who respond to or listen again, who respond to the text donation topic via email.

So you're saying that we shouldn't sort of go health for leather with it?

We don't have to.

I'm just saying we don't have to go.

We shouldn't let it take things over.

Exactly.

Because people can respond during the week and then it makes for an even more considered retro text the nation following me.

We don't have to have like five or seven segments.

Well then shut up about it.

Why don't you shut up about it?

Why don't you just shut up about it?

Yeah.

You know what?

I've changed my mind.

Have you got any of that chill cake?

No I haven't.

do you want me to get no i'll get it we'll get into that later we have had a missive from the have we the baker of the job is he angry now he's all right well i'll tell you about that later all right but listen before we go any further uh the email if you want to respond to our texting topic this week is adamandjoe.6music at bbc.co.uk or you can text us of course 64046 is the text number and this week we're talking about

family holidays or family breaks specifically, right?

Not like the big family summer holidays, but half term.

You're talking half term.

You're talking half term, right?

Did you ever go on half term breaks with your family?

Yeah, boy.

Sounds like I know.

Why did I respond like that?

Don't know, because you're in... Of course I did.

Did you?

What kind of thing would you do?

We would go to Devon.

Did you?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Devon knows how they make it so creamy.

You came every now and then?

Yes.

You didn't like it very much.

D'Alveton?

You got bored, yeah.

No, I never got bored.

D'Alveton's in all the papers now.

Why?

Because some ridiculous journalist has moved there and they're trying to make a big deal out of it.

Because it's unfriendly.

Well, that's what they're saying, which is nonsense.

Nonsense.

We had a beautiful, friendly village in the country and a great deal of members of my family lived there.

Yeah, we had a nice time there, I remember.

They're the ones trying to chase out the journalists.

We found an abandoned car and jumped on top of it.

And then we realized it wasn't abandoned.

So that's what we used to do, little trips to Devon.

The good times.

What have you got planned for your family at the half term?

Well, we are going to centre parks the holiday, the weather can't spoil, other holidays the weather can't spoil are available.

But we're going there and it's a place, I've never been to that kind of holiday resort before, the kind of... A space aged one.

It's sort of space-aged, it's under a biodome, but more specifically I'm thinking of places like that, a little bit like Butlins and... A holiday camp.

A holiday resort camp.

I mean, that's what it is.

They wouldn't want to call it that, would they?

Because that sounds so retrograde.

Yeah.

But essentially, I suppose, yes, it's kind of high-end holiday camp, isn't it?

Yeah, medium-end.

So, well, you know, I haven't been there.

I wouldn't know.

I wouldn't be able to comment, possibly.

But... What end it is?

I don't know what to expect, but I'm a tiny little bit nervous about it.

Yes.

Right.

Because also the other thing is that you're thrust together with a lot of families at those places.

I mean, you get your little log cabin in the woods or something like that, I'm hoping, and then you plan your activities and stuff like that.

But my family hasn't really been on its own.

Like, we've been on family holidays, but generally we're joined by other people and stuff like that.

It's sure to be perfect.

It's... I can see you on your bikes.

Yeah.

Cycling across wood chippings.

In the rain.

I can see you whizzling down a waterslide, Frank going, woo!

You catching him at the bottom and going, tossing your head back.

I can see maybe your youngest son, Natty cooking maybe with your wife.

Why are they laughing?

having such a great time.

Oh, I see.

I think it's going to be brilliant.

Yeah.

And then me and my wife in the evening uncork a bottle of wine, have a little barbecue and... Egyptian mummy attack.

Yeah, then go off to the fiberglass bum.

The fiberglass bum bar.

It's going to be lovely.

You know, the thing I'm slightly worried about is the whole water slide thing because I know that's going to be a big part of the attraction.

But I feel a bit self-conscious going in and stripping off in a big communal area.

You used to put a proper t-shirt on, didn't you?

Yeah.

And you were little.

You don't like bearing your upper torso.

No, no, I'm not that proud of my upper torso.

So, you know, on holiday, like on a summer holiday, you have the excuse that you're protecting yourself from the sun's evil rays.

But you can't do that under the biodome.

That's true.

What are you going to do?

Well, you could.

You could wear one of those wetsuits.

Yeah, you don't think that would mark me out as being slightly eccentric.

No, no, no, I think it's acceptable these days because let's face it nipples are obscene.

They are disgusting.

In this contemporary conservative climate.

Yeah, especially hairy nipples.

Men's nipples.

It's time to conceal them properly.

This is what I'm saying.

Hairy nipples.

Yeah, it's too much for children, for young children.

So anyway, there's any number of things that could go right as you've pointed out, but there's a lot of things that could go wrong.

You know what, I forgot this was a text-the-nation subject.

Well, exactly.

I thought we were just chatting.

Just chatting.

So, specifically, listeners, I'm curious about these kind of breaks that you've had that maybe have gone disastrously wrong.

I'd like to know details.

So don't forget, the text number is 64046, or for a long-emissive, adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

So what is it again, just things that have gone wrong?

Things that have gone wrong on specifically half-term holidays?

Well, when you put it like that... I'm just trying to make it easier for the listeners.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So whether it's a caravanning holiday, you know, not specifically summer holidays, but short breaks with the family that have turned out to be a bit of a mayor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, listen, did you order a cab?

Yes, I did.

Has it arrived?

Yeah.

Did you order a death cab?

Oh, no, I didn't want a death cab, I just wanted a normal cab.

Also, I'm not technically a cutie, so I don't think it would... This cab is for cutie, isn't it?

Is it not?

This is called Meet Me at the Equinox.

Meet me at the Equinox, that's death cab for cutie.

I mean, we did a very sort of obvious intro into that, didn't we?

That was like, there's a... When am I gonna get my chill cake?

Oh, yeah, let's deal with that.

So last week, listeners... I'm gonna do a little edit point here for the podcast.

Yeah.

Last week, listeners, we had a chill cake sent in to us.

Is that going to work?

That's a good idea, like just rehearsing it on the live show so that we can edit it for the podcast.

Thanks.

We were sent a chill cake by a listener.

An actual chill cake.

The listener's name is Tom Williamson, who lives in Liverpool.

And some of our listeners were quite angry about our response to the chill cake.

I mean, the chill cake, I think, had gone slightly off.

It was made with fresh cream and posted from Liverpool.

I think the cream may have been on the turn.

And we did eat it, and that in and of itself is above and beyond the call of duty, because you're not really supposed to eat things that are sent in by listeners if you're a broadcaster.

Is there any case history there?

Have any presenters fallen foul of poisoned missives?

I think Eamonn Holmes was in a coma for eight years after eating a poisoned caramak.

A chill cake.

I thought it was a spiked caramak.

But anyway, yeah, so with stories like that going around, you can't be too careful.

How would you spike a caramak?

Um, I don't know.

I don't know.

We'll, we'll figure out a way.

Yeah.

But, uh, so anyway, poor old Tom, we were quite, uh, skeptical about his chill cake, but we did eat it.

We did eat it.

Yeah.

Well, there was a lot of Twitter tweeting was saying that we were ungrateful.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm angry with Adam and Joe cause they're so, they were so ungrateful to Tom.

We made it clear during the show that we were very grateful to Tom and we thought it was a lovely gesture to have made a chill cake and sent it in.

There's no pleasing some people.

But if it tasted with the whole... What were we supposed to do?

But Tom has sent us a nice little letter here.

It's written in a barrow on a ripped-out piece of pad, which is quite nice, isn't it?

Very nice.

Dear Adam and Jo, I must apologise for sending you a dodgy chill cake.

Something must have happened to it between Liverpool and London.

I feel a bit bad for getting your hopes up after describing it as the cake equivalent of a Viscount biscuit.

To try and make it up to you, here is something a lot safer, and he sent us a packet of biscuits.

a packet of Viscounts.

Check it out.

Oh, let's have one of them.

That's a sell-by date.

It's the Chill Biscuit.

Come on.

They're all right.

They're good till next year.

Good till.

Thank you, Tom.

That's very kind of you.

Yeah, that's very nice of you.

And Williamson, not Wilkinson.

I think we called him Wilkinson.

Possibly.

It was a cavalcade of inaccuracy and disrespect.

As per usual.

sincere thank yous not just for these chill biscuits but for the chill cake it was really nice of you and we did very much appreciate it and we were just being jerks last week when we started laughing about it but it was quite funny because it tasted strange it tasted very odd and it was it suddenly occurred to us as we were eating it it was a stupid thing to be doing live on air like eating a cake that you don't really know anything about

But how lovely to get a handwritten note there.

Really nice.

And so much character in his writing.

I'm gonna eat this for you, Tom.

Cheers.

You just don't get that digitally.

Look at that handwriting.

It's expressing so much.

Now that is a delicious chill biscuit.

He's a dude.

Thanks, man.

That's the handwriting of a great guy.

That's the handwriting of a Megadude, I think.

Do you think?

Definitely.

Well, that's not something you can just bandy about.

Oh, I think it says, doesn't it?

Tom Williamson, M.D.

Does it?

It should do.

We had an angry letter about Megadooddom.

Really?

Dear Adam and Jo, I just want to write to you to set the record straight regarding a person who wrote to you going by the name of The Megadude.

He used to be a good friend of mine, but we've recently become sworn enemies.

He's not a mega-dude at all.

Okay, I'll admit it, he's a bit of a dude, but mega, please, hyper maybe, but even that's being generous.

I had to laugh when I saw he was trying to get some publicity using your show, because everyone knows he still lives with his mum and has only ever done sex on himself.

Mega-dude?

Yours, Lord Seggs.

I mean, that's relating back to something we mentioned several weeks ago, isn't it?

Why on earth would you read that out?

Well, I just did.

Regular listeners to the show will remember the Megadude.

Megadude News.

And the fuss we made about it.

Thanks for that update.

And I just, it was in mine, I popped that email in mine.

No, it was totally 100% relevant to the Megadude conversation.

We've got a free play coming up, Joe, and I think it's got your name on it.

Yeah, this is the Boards of Canada.

Do you know about them, Adam?

Love them.

They do Electronica, don't they, kind of thing.

Yeah, they're very great.

Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper got me into them.

This is from the album Music Has the Right to Children, which is for... Is it really from 1998?

Yes.

That long ago?

That's a brilliant album.

That's the album to start with, if you don't know about them.

This is a good track.

It's very long, so we'll try and play you a decent chunk of it.

This is called Aquarius, and it features people saying the word orange.

Oh, yes, I would.

And children telling them that they're correct.

Here it is.

Six music.

Today from two... I'm in a cave with Nick Cave.

Good night, mate.

From midday I'm on like a terrible phone line But now it's Adam and Joe That's a track by Animal Collective there, that's Summertime Clothes taken from their album Merryweather Post Pavilion which came out at the very beginning of this year featuring the cast of Stomp which is great that they would work together in that way

Is that too stumpy for you, Swampy?

It was good.

No, it was very good.

I've never heard Dustbin Lids used so effectively.

It's one of the albums of the year, Merriweather Post Pavilion.

In my humble opinion.

Yeah?

Have you drawn up your Albums of the Year list yet?

No.

The year we make contact.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Imagine Helen Mirren, who else is up there in that spaceship?

John Lithgow's a Russian, isn't he?

I prefer 2010 to 2001.

It's a better film.

It's got a more upbeat ending.

That's right.

They explain the monolith.

It makes a little bit of sense.

Say what they are, Stanley Kubrick.

I'm making a little bit of sense, Mr. Kubrick.

Don't be all abstract with your giant... You don't need your 20 minutes of paint falling over the camera at the end.

Just get Roy Schneider to tell us what's in them with words.

A little rumpo with Kate Mirren.

Leslie Mirren, what's her name?

Helen.

Now listen folks, it's time that we announce the winners of our Electric Proms Song Wars competition, for which we don't have a jingle, it feels like...

I did some electric noises.

I love Croc Proms!

The song was competition, session, session, session.

All right, that's how we would do it, if there was a jingle.

And just to remind you, if you don't know what we're talking about, we asked people about three or four weeks ago to go onto the blog to check out the instrumental versions of some of our old song wars tunes.

It was Joe's Quantum of Solace song and My Nutty Room song.

And we asked them to send in videos of themselves just singing along to those songs or doing an interpretation of those songs.

And we had some great entries that came in and we have made our decisions right now.

So do you want to say anything about your runners up, Joe, or are you just going to go straight into your winner?

Well, I've written a little thing that'll go up on the blog that has some runners up.

I'd say the runners up that really stood out for me were the wonderful Emmett family who also entered our Video Wars competition.

Do you remember their Video Wars entry?

Sure I do.

I mean, it was really spectacular.

And they are role models for Broken Britain because they're a very unified family where mother and father and son and daughter work together to achieve something greater than the sum of their parts

and their video is extraordinary it's um a sort of beautifully choreographed flip chart based you know it's got lab coats and there's a whole intro spiel and the whole family dances i love to see families dance when's the last time your whole family just danced

Um, you know, I can't remember.

I mean, you'll be doing it at Centre Parks, probably.

Sure we will.

Yeah, on the final big night barbecue.

No, I wish we danced more often.

It's a beautiful sight.

So the Emmett family I'd pick out and also the other people I would pick out would be Al Ronald, I think his name was, and Cy Henty.

who did an extraordinary video as well but we'll put links to the runners up on the blog maybe but my winner is a gentleman called Ben Mercer and Ben's done a brilliant kind of acoustic guitar version of the song we'll play you a little clip here this is Ben a tiny clip of Ben Mercer's winning entry

You see he manages to make it sound really good he sounds like Jamie T there

Yeah yeah he's good and you should take a look at him with your eyes because he's a contemporary customer and he's opening a new shop and it's going to be very popular.

He's got skinny trousers.

He really does and his name's Ben Mercer and I'm very honoured and privileged that he's going to be representing me and

Kornball's International Torpedo Systems, PLC, at the Song Wars battle.

Because let's not forget this is a battle.

It is a battle.

What are you going to do then?

Are you going to collaborate with him on a rendition?

No, I'm going to just let him do his thing.

Let him do his thing?

I'm not going to go and urinate on his fries.

Am I he's got a lovely portion of fries.

I'm not gonna slam my fist in there.

No, why would you why would I do that in his chips?

My runners-up, let me tell you ladies and gentlemen I got some really nice entries and I did my best to go and leave a little comment on all the YouTube clips that I was made aware of and

Sorry if I've missed any, but I really enjoyed a short film by, well, it was a short, you know, like a short video by... Christoph Kyslowski.

Yeah, I just thought it was great.

And I was amazed that he entered the competition.

I mean, he's dead.

He's no longer alive.

I know.

Rob Watts and Steve Gardner, however, are alive and they entered, they actually came round last weekend.

To your house?

No, to film us outside the... Oh, yeah.

They were waiting outside the BBC building.

They wanted to do a little bit of stalking with us, and it was very funny.

You can see the results on YouTube, so thanks for that, chaps.

Rushka Moore, she did a really nice... She had a lovely voice as well, and she was singing away and drawing a moustache on her face.

What happened to it?

Well, she's a runner-up.

Okay.

She also had a lovely picture of Bowie in the background there and changed the Nutty Room lyrics to reflect our affection for Bowie.

Ben Adams, he was dressed up in a Superman costume on the toilet.

Yes.

I've got that same Superman costume, Ben, and I was very impressed.

I mean, it was a very... And you've got a toilet.

I've got a toilet.

You should be friends.

You should be buddies, and he's got a little beard as well, which I currently don't have, but when I grow my new one, let's hang out, Ben.

I'm not serious.

What sort of thing is that to say?

I just can't bring myself.

You idiot hole.

I am serious Ben, you look really great.

We should hang out, but there's just no time.

But the winners... Sorry, that's, um, Noggins the horse.

Just come through.

Come on Noggins.

Someone get that for us an apple.

Listen, Ben, come on.

Let's get together.

Dids and Trish, however, are my winners.

They sent in a really nice close harmony version of Nutty Room.

Let's hear a little clip.

Nutty.

I am a nutty man, I'm sitting in my nutty room.

I am cutting some bits of human skin to make into a pick-a-coo.

That's the food for the cops and

Very nice indeed.

They work in a local pub in Cornwall, and Dids is also an artist extraordinaire.

Trish designs stuff and sells her own range of luxury umbrellas.

They say they're both fairly crafty and eat a lot of cake.

I'm very much looking forward to meeting you, Dids and Trish, and congratulations for being my winners.

So what are we going to do?

We're going to battle out Dids and Trish against Ben.

Well, I suppose we could do as long as it was a fun battle.

Yeah.

A fattle.

You know, I don't think there's any point in making it a competition at that stage.

No.

It's just a celebration at that stage.

There'll be a sense of who's won, though.

There's going to be a lot of kissing, though, right?

There will be a lot of kissing.

I mean, you're going to win because you're Mr. Live Performance.

Oh, OK.

In terms of, like, our general shoddiness.

But, you know, it's going to be a big love-in.

And in greater terms, I'm Mr. Live Performance.

Yeah.

That's what I'm known as on the set.

Really?

Michael Keaton's going to play you in a film of that name.

Dylan Morin's going to do the warm up.

Here it comes, Mr. Live Performance!

It's not so far fetched.

No, I think both those winners are going to do a terrific job, and we're both hugely grateful to everyone who entered, because let's face it, this competition was saved from the jaws of ignominy by our listeners' response.

You know, for the first week we had no entries, and every single person who entered we're hugely grateful to for saving our reputation.

We would have been the laughingstock of the castle.

Vernon Kaye would have been pelting us with rotten fruit.

Brucey would have been making scandalous comments about us, but you've saved our reputation listeners, so thank you.

Yeah, thank you so much.

We really enjoy watching every single one of those.

Here's Devundra Burn Heart with Bebe.

Dr. John there with Right Play Strong Time.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Very nice to be with you this Saturday morning listeners.

And I think it's time we had some made up jokes, don't you?

Here's the Jingle Jungle.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party

We are getting more and more of these things sent up, just to remind you, if you're not familiar with this section, it's not lame jokes, it's made-up jokes, right?

They have to be authored by yourself.

So, if it's just a case of some very simple wordplay and a little pun, which probably has been made many times before,

I wouldn't bother sending that in.

Send us your really tortured insane ones, okay?

That's the ones that we're particularly interested in.

But then if you do have one that's just an absolute peach and you're convinced that you made it up, we'd like to hear that one too.

For example, I'll get you started with a slightly nomic one from Richard Harrison.

He says, imagine my disappointment when I went to Selfridges and found out they didn't sell fridges.

Nice.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I would say that's not made up.

You reckon?

Yeah.

I'm pretty confident.

I mean, it's good, but I think it's got a heritage.

I think it's used.

I mean, it's fairly... It's second hand.

It's a little obvious, I suppose.

But it's good.

It definitely works.

I like it.

What about this one?

I'm not sure about this one.

This is from Josh Sparrow.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

I've made up a joke that I've been testing out with various people.

It's received a range of responses so far.

Here we go.

Did I tell you about the new keyboard that I bought from the music shop recently?

I think it may be broken.

It only seems to play Wagner.

I think it must be a Nazi synthesizer.

That's quite good, isn't it?

From Josh Sparrow.

That is good.

Here's one from Sarah or Sarah.

She says, I didn't make this up, but my best friend did.

And I feel she deserves due recognition for her efforts.

Where does the Nutty Professor work?

Oh, I don't know, Tommy.

In Macadamia.

Yeah, yeah, good.

That's good.

She says it made me laugh.

Her name is Nancy Ockendon, and she and her husband Rick are avid fans.

They'll be dead chuffed.

That's good.

Nut jokes are good.

We get quite a few cheese jokes as well.

He's an academic.

You get quite a lot of mascarpone jokes, don't we?

Yes.

We've had a load of complicated jokes about masking a pony.

Cheese.

I mean cheese, yeah.

Yeah.

After dinner snacks.

How about this one from Amy and Earl in Sydney?

This is our made up joke.

How do you get a samurai, his wife, a bandit, a psychic, a woodcutter, a priest, a commoner and a baby on stage as quickly as possible?

Rashomon.

It's a Kurosawa film.

With all those people in it.

Yeah.

It's very famous.

That is a chucklesome little joke.

Come on.

That's fun for film though.

I'm pretty sure I've heard Jimmy Carr telling that one.

Yeah.

That's a very old joke.

Rashomon.

Here's one from Steve.

Hi Adam and Joe.

My girlfriend made this joke up a few years ago.

Where is contentment made?

A satisfactory.

Oh, that's good.

That is a good one.

That's very good, but that's so good, you see.

Yeah.

I can't quite believe that's homemade.

I do believe that's home.

I've never heard that one before, and it never even occurred to me.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, that's very good.

Who's that, pie?

Uh, Steve says his girlfriend made it up a few years ago.

Maximum respect Steve's girlfriend.

She's a girlfriend.

She's nice, too.

Ooh, look at her.

She's fine.

Look at that bit of her.

Look at the jokes she made up.

Yeah, she's nice.

Ooh, that is a nice joke.

Whatever I mean.

Don't make a joke at my expense, though, otherwise there'll be trouble.

That's what that man would say.

Sure, you got another joke there?

Yeah.

You ready for it?

Yeah, go on.

Hello again, Adam and Jo.

This is someone who's sent in several jokes.

Okay, so you didn't like my first original joke.

Here's my second attempt.

It's on a similar theme.

This is from Stewart in York.

Oliver Cromwell in King Charles.

the first are driving down the street in a car yes a car and they're pulled over by the police they both step out of the car as the policeman walks up to them is there a problem officer asks Oliver Cromwell well not with you sir but it's your friend over there the policeman says pointing to king james the first i don't like his cavalier attitude is that the punch line

Hello, what?

That was a punchline.

Yeah.

That's very... Cavalier.

Cavalier.

Of course it is, yeah.

But it's nice because it's laboured, isn't it?

The build-up's laboured.

Certainly it's laboured.

That's a very nice laboured setup.

Here's a pithy one from Ben in Glasgow, who's aged 14, he tells us.

And that's impressive, I think.

To be aged 14.

Yeah.

Imagine getting oil in this day and age.

A cowboy walks into a German garage.

What does he say?

I don't know.

Audi.

That's good.

Ben in Glasgow aged 14.

I mean, if you're coming out with those at 14... That's amazing.

Imagine what he's going to be coming out with at 16.

You're going to have your own pretty middle-of-the-road TV show by the time you're 20.

Dear Adam and Jo, I thought up the following joke today.

What do sharks do to earn pocket money?

Chores.

I hope you like it, Jonathan Cobb.

That's quite good, isn't it?

You know what, I didn't get it when I read it in the email.

Really?

Yeah.

Chores.

That's quite good.

That's very good.

You got any more?

Yeah, I've got hundreds of them.

I've got literally millions.

Alright, you're allowed one more.

I'm trying to find a good one.

Hello Adam and Jo, this is my joke that I made up, and you can tell I made it up because my name is Lee, and the joke involves my name, Lee.

Here goes.

What did oil of you lay used to be called?

I love you Lee.

Why did I read that out?

Why did you read that out?

That's not a joke.

Because it's in green.

It's just words with his name in it.

He said it in green and it attracted my eyes.

He's a free play for you listeners.

This is the BG's with You Should Be Dancing.

We said it before that that's very reminiscent of Spy Who Loved Me or A Bond, isn't it?

Yeah, well, I think they probably kind of vaguely ripped it off for the Bond film, didn't they?

That's a good way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that track.

Can't beat the Bee Gees with a big stick.

Not even if you want to.

Can't beat James Bond with a sort of ski pole with a gun in it.

No.

Because he dodges out the way, then does a back flip.

Exactly.

That's typical Bond.

Adam and Jo here on 6 Music.

Just gone 11.30.

Time for the news.

See, I like the end of that song, James.

But like the beginning and the middle part?

It's a bit too poppy, do you think?

For this kind of a show, you know?

This is a very, very highbrow show, James.

An intellectual program.

It's very edgy and we play a lot of it.

Our listeners are patronised by that type of rhythm.

Yeah, they really are.

And they're very opinionated, our listeners.

Very opinionated.

You know, they won't let us get away with anything.

And they certainly won't let you, James, the producer, get away with anything.

They didn't let the 14-year-old boy from Glasgow get away with the Audi joke.

People are very angry about the Audi joke being paraded in front of them as that boys, you know, work.

Well, Ben from Glasgow, I'm afraid it looks as if Tim Vine has maybe got there before you, Ben.

Tim Vine has more or less got in before absolutely everyone.

You know, we've already established it is possible for two people to think of the same jokes of Ben.

You shouldn't.

You're just as clever as Tim Vine, which, you know, might be a good thing, might cause problems for you later.

No, man, it's a good thing.

Tim Vine is a joke genius, and if you're on the same territory as Vine, then you've got to be doing something right.

But I don't believe that these people are sending them in, deliberately having stolen them, plucked them from the Vine.

Sounds like you do.

No, I don't.

I'm standing up for them.

I think, Ben, what do I think?

I don't know what you think.

Whatever's popular, that's what you think.

Oh, you really meant that, didn't you?

Did Honda Cornish you with your torpedo?

Let's get into some, um, some Texanations.

Let's have the jingle from a real Russian sent this in.

Here it is.

Like, we assumed that was someone doing a sort of Borat job on the Textination jingle, but we are assured, although it might just be another tissue of your eyes.

It might just be.

That it's a real Russian man.

Anyway, let's not dwell on that.

Let's get into this week's Textination.

What's the subject this week, Adam?

Ah, pinning me down, eh?

Yeah.

Well, we were thinking about...

kind of family excursions that you've had, not necessarily summer holidays, but half-term breaks and things like that that have maybe been less than enjoyable.

Is that good enough?

Does that fit in with what you've got?

Yeah, it does.

It's kind of nightmare holiday stories with a sort of peculiar proviso that they have to be half-term.

That doesn't really probably impact on the stories themselves.

Are there any, like... Are we looking at something that's uniquely half-term based?

Don't ask me more questions!

Just read out what you've got!

Okay, this is from Gary in his shed.

Dear Adam and Jo, I once went to centre parks at the tender age of 16.

On arrival, I ran to pool, excited at the prospect of the flume.

Halfway down my big toe caught a rough joint on the slide and my nail was ripped off.

I mean, that's... Ouchie poo poo.

That's terrible.

I mean, I'm sure their slides are much more smooth now.

That's probably a thing of the past.

Yeah.

Here's another one.

Daniel in Reading.

We went to Yarmouth with my mum and aunt many moons ago and the weather was terrible.

So we spent most of the time in the caravan.

Mum and aunt began getting right on each other's nerves, culminating in a physical fight.

My aunt hitting my mother with a broom, and my mother hitting her on the head with a china bowl full of pasta.

No way.

Are they in a caravan?

Yeah.

That, of course... That's like Kill Bill 2.

A caravan has got to be a pressure cooker environment, though, for a family holiday.

It must have... Surely something kicks off in a caravan.

More of a pressure cooker than a bio-dome?

Well, no, because the biodome is larger and there's more places to hide.

I think those places trap psychic energy.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I think there's going to be a fight on your holiday.

Well, you'll find out in a couple of weeks, I guess.

What is that woman's there?

Which woman?

From the bum park.

She may well be.

It's the same general area.

Yeah, that would be terrifying.

Here, come on, you're coming up here.

You can stand in the queue over here.

Here's one from Gary in Lanethley.

Dear lads, My family went on a mystery tour which ended up in Ilfricoon.

Me and my girlfriend had food poisoning.

My mother stepped on our dog's ear before the journey.

My brother ate a box of eclairs on the bus and was sick and my mother was attacked by a lunatic.

And we saw a youngish man who sported a Hitler moustache.

He was the guy from Wild Beasts.

What an amazing list of incidents.

You know, the worst one I would think would be the Claire vomit.

Why?

Because the toffee bits might not have been fully digested.

The cream, once that comes back up again, is just... It depends whether they're chocolate Eclairs or Claire buns.

Oh, you're thinking that they might have been the sweets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like they're toffies with chocolate inside.

I think I got the impression it was eclairs.

Maybe, maybe, yeah, creamy eclairs.

Jason from Leeds.

How do you think this is going?

Very well.

This is a good one.

Good.

Jason from Leeds.

Halftime holiday in Turkey went so wrong.

My dad would wear a pair of two tight black satin speedos with it all on show and a pair of clogs.

Everybody would stare at him, but he just carried on.

We got talking to some other kids three days into the holiday and one kid said, have you seen that man with the tight trunks with large package wearing clogs?

We said, no.

Whoever can that be?

Oh, that was dad.

He sounds like a mega dude.

There's a very strong image there, isn't there?

I can really picture that guy.

Maybe I should... Do you reckon I should wear that kind of thing under the biodome?

Yes, I think if you're self-conscious about your hairy chest, you should go completely the other way and really ram it up people's faces.

And the way to do that is... Can you ram something up a face?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, well that's what I think you should do.

I think the trunk should be really tiny, and there should definitely be collogs.

Very big wooden tourist clogs from Amsterdam.

And nothing else.

Come on, kids!

I don't know if I want to humiliate my children.

Let's get out of here, I hate the stink!

That's the kind of thing you say.

Who's saying that?

Oh, that's me saying that.

Yeah, you're sort of using what you got from that woman, and you're using it in your arsenal.

I don't want to poison the atmosphere in the biodome.

It's just an idea.

Alright then.

Shall we have a few more of these texts just before we, or not?

Possibly not.

We can keep them coming in.

You know what, I think this is a very rarefied text the nation subject and it would probably be better if people have the week to think about it.

Yeah.

And contribute to retro text the nation.

By rarefied you mean brilliant, right?

Yeah.

Absolutely brilliant.

So if you're listening during the week, please do keep your texts on that subject coming in.

The email address, and please emails only during the week, not texts, is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Here is Idlewild right now.

This is Readers and Writers.

It's a little kind of fun community parade there from Idlewild.

That was called Readers and Writers.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

just looking down my document for ideas.

I've got some quite half-formed ideas that I could have a go with.

Oh really?

Is that a good idea?

I've got a note here, it just says worst possible name for a feature film.

Come on, let's go get some antihistamine.

That'd be a good name for a film?

Well, I mean, that's very much something I'm concerned with at the moment.

I would go and see it because I... Because you're a target market.

Yeah, because I've got a great deal of swelling around my elbow, so I'm interested in antihistamine.

What about a film about a team of road diggers?

It's called Manhole.

Yeah, I like to see that I'd see anything called manhole.

Would you certainly?

Would you see a film called closed for refurbishment?

Mmm, I think that would be a good name for a film who's in it Julia Roberts, I love her and Vince Vaughn I

I don't like Vince Vaughn.

He threatens me.

I don't know.

Have you met Vince Vaughn?

No.

I don't know what he's like.

I get the feeling that he would beat me up or hurt me or intimidate me somehow.

The problem with that one would more be the listings.

You know, and the hoarding at the front of the cinema.

What's Vince Vaughn doing in Closed for Refurbishment?

Sort of acting.

Yeah.

Kind of... mainly being himself, isn't he?

Being himself, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm going to give that one a pass.

That's it.

That was that idea.

Oh, how about... This is a serious question now, Joe.

What's your worst song from this year been?

Worst music song that's come out?

Man, I don't know.

I wouldn't.

Did they not stick in your head like that?

Not really, no.

Well, they don't usually stick in mine, but the other day I was out in a shop.

Have you ever been to one of those?

No.

They're amazing.

You can get stuff there.

And over the Tanoi, is that what you call it?

The speakers in the shop.

They were playing some music and I thought, wow.

This is a bad song!

And I sat there and I was mesmerized by it and it was a kind of a up-tempo, stupid, poppy thing with a lady singing and I just thought, who the heck is responsible for this?

And it was the lyrics were just the most asinine, crass thing I'd ever heard in my life.

It just seemed like something that was constructed by morons to appeal to lunatics.

Turned out it was Alicia Dixon and the song was The Boy Does Nothing.

Do you know that track?

Have you got it with you?

I should have brought it in.

I assumed everyone knew what it was, right?

I read a rave review.

She's a talent show winner, isn't she?

She's X Factor from last year, is she?

She was a strictly cum dancer.

She used to be a mystique, I think.

And she's now the judge that replaced the old lady.

Ah, okay, now I'm with you, so I'm completely wrong, yeah.

So she's the one that everyone's complaining about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Poor lady.

She's probably had an unpleasant year in that respect.

And I'm sure she's talented after a fashion.

But this song, which she probably didn't write, so I'm not slagging her writing skills off, I hope.

It's the worst thing I've ever heard.

We've got to hear it.

You've got to bring it in.

My life.

I'll bring it in next week, then.

How about that?

I've got to go and buy the thing.

That was a good link.

It was two ill-formed ideas.

Yeah.

uh they really came together there into one big ill-formed idea here's a free play this is um i don't really know what this song is speaking of weird songs i tried to shazam it but shazam wouldn't recognize it oh yeah i think it's by a producer called ghost he's like a uk hip-hop producer it's from a compilation called seldom seen often heard it's called talk to me and it's hello

Oh, no, it's Boggins!

How did he get in?

I thought it smelt funny.

I've done a puke in the corner of the room, I'm gonna rub it on your legs.

If we could just stop him making that noise, it would improve things.

Anyway, yeah, this is called Talk to Me, and it's just a bit of breezy kind of lady soul.

It's just a bit of fun.

Listen, don't get worked up about it.

It's just a bit of fun.

All right?

Here it is.

I like that bit at the end there, that's really nice.

I like it, it's a grower, that record.

I don't know really what it is.

Where did you find it?

On my hard disk.

You know, do you ever find stuff like that?

Sometimes you do, yep, yep, yep.

And it didn't, Shazam came up.

How does Shazam work?

You hold your phone to the speaker and it tells you what it usually recognizes.

I know how works your end.

But how does it recognize the song?

Like does it go through a computer?

Distinct waveform, audio fingerprint, you know?

Amazing.

Modern technology.

Hey, you know, one thing we were chatting about, which we didn't talk about during the show, but maybe we should talk about next week, was the whole David Letterman thing.

I don't know if you're aware of this, viewers, but David Letterman was apparently blackmailed by a producer at CBS in the States who had found out about these sexual relations that he'd had with people that worked on the TV show he does.

I can't believe you're getting into this a minute before the end of the show.

I know, but I was setting it up for next week.

Right.

We were going to chat about it.

Right.

And so rather than be blackmailed by this guy, David Letterman confessed the whole thing live on air.

You can find the clip on YouTube.

So if you haven't seen it, go and check it out.

And I'd like to hear your thoughts on the subject.

I'm busy next week.

But I would like to talk about it.

Adam's going to be co-presenting with Alistair Stewart.

Hey, thanks for listening, listeners, this week.

And we really look forward to seeing anybody who's got tickets to come and see us at the Electric Proms on Thursday lunchtime.

It's going to be a very sort of friendly, chaotic occasion, but we can't wait for it.

And thanks to everyone who's emailed and texted the programme.

Yes.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up very shortly.

We're going to leave you with Julian Casablancas.

Don't forget to download the podcast on Monday evening.

We love you.

Bye.