The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (10 October 2009)

to myself.

But now it's Adam and Jo.

Hello and welcome to the big British castle.

That's Prince!

What are you chuckling at?

Are you chuckling at Prince?

Because, um, listeners today we've got a new producer, not a new producer, in fact a gentleman we worked with years ago called Ben, he's very brilliant, but just before we came on there he started doing a kind of thing as if we were in aliens and on the dropship going down to the alien planet.

Okay, okay, mic's up!

Get ready, three seconds!

Stand by, mic's up!

As if it was like, you know, a moment of critical importance.

As if it was like broadcast news.

Yeah.

Your Holly Hunter and I. As if we were William Hurt.

Professional and we really cared profoundly, which we do, obviously.

Yeah.

But we like to... Well, we care profoundly.

I wouldn't say that we're professional.

No, no, no, that's true.

So...

Anyway, morning listeners.

Hey, how are you doing?

This is Adam.

Hey, this is Joe.

Thanks for joining us.

I've got a new idea for a segment.

Have you?

Yeah, it would be this.

It's a bit like, you know, on GMTV when they would send Keith Chegwin out to doorstep people first thing in the morning.

Was it on GMTV?

Something like that.

It was on one of those breakfast shows.

Big breakfast, maybe you're right.

I thought maybe I could present the show from in a listener's bed.

That's a nice idea.

Would you get to choose the listener?

Yeah.

They would send in photographs and you would vet them.

Yeah.

And you would basically sleep.

I would go round there on Friday.

No, I would sleep with them.

You'd sleep with them.

But in the, you know, not in the dirty sense.

No, in the strictest sense.

Unless they were lucky.

Yeah, so you're really lucky.

Uh, but I'd go around there on Friday night and we'd watch Telly, you know, we'd watch Jonathan Ross, then a bit of later, and we'd have a hot toddy.

Would you do your Jules Holland impression for them?

Yeah, I'd do whatever they wanted.

Yeah.

And then I'd get into bed with them.

Oh, that is hot toddy, ladies and gentlemen, hot toddy.

cut to the beginning of the show.

I'd get into bed with them and then we'd sleep together.

And then the alarm would go off about 10 to 9.

Oh, that would be nice.

And then you'd have to be in here.

You'd get up.

You'd have to come in, do all the business.

I'd just be in bed nude.

I would be nude with the listeners.

And then I'd do the show from my mobile phone over my mobile phone.

That's brilliant.

You've thought it all through and you're entirely comfortable about all this.

You don't think it's weird at all.

I don't think it's weird.

And you don't think the listeners would feel it was strange?

I don't know.

We'll see what their response is.

I mean, maybe we can set it up for next week or the week after.

I think it would be very innovative and I think it would get us awards.

And you're not concerned that maybe there's some kind of big British castle guideline about having like a naked man in the bed of a stranger.

Well, possibly, but I think it could be overcome.

Right.

I think public opinion would soon demolish that prejudice.

That's a good idea.

It's just an idea.

I just thought I'd float it.

Oh, thank you.

It's a lovely floater.

Have you got a command for Black Squadron?

You know what I do?

Oh, excellent.

I've got a choice of commands.

Okay, I know which one I think this is.

Still haven't come up with a new Jingle Black Squadron.

I'm working on it, but the other jingles are just so irritating that we're not even going to play them this week, right?

You have to imagine them.

So, Black Squadron, you are stood to attention, ready to receive your command from Admiral Cornballs.

This is of course a photo challenge, Black Squadron.

We challenge you to take a photo on the following theme and email it to us.

What's the email number, Adam?

Adam and... No, no.

What's the text number, Adam?

64046.

Yeah.

What's the email address?

Email address Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk Yeah, there's no prize.

It's not a competition.

No.

Just a fun event.

So stand by Black Squadron.

You have the duration of the following record to carry out your command and send in your photo.

Your theme this week.

Are we ready then?

Incidentally, as soon as Joe issues the command, we are going to fire off 11th Dimension, the new single by Julian Casablancas of the strokes.

But here now is the Black Squadron command.

standby black squadron your command this week is toast bracelets i think we might have confused black squadron by not playing them they're jingle you reckon yeah i think it's a bit like the manchurian candidate they need oh look at that no here's a very good one from kate bolting that's an extraordinary very good toast bracelets that one's even got jam on it and they're saluting now that's good i was worried there

There's a gentleman in what looks like his two children there.

That's extraordinary.

Very, very good performance there from the building squadron.

Very good.

And have last week's Black Squadron photos been put on the blog?

They have, yeah.

If you want to see the Black Squadron gallery, you can go... It's not on our blog, is it?

I think it's on the original Six Music Adam and Jo website.

But there's a link from the blog.

There's a link from the blog, yeah.

And it's extraordinary.

There's so many of them.

About 124.

Incredible.

What was last week's command?

I forget.

Was it poltergeist?

No, that was the week before.

It was closed backwards.

Backwards closed.

That's right.

It was a good one.

And there's some amazing photos.

When are we going to do just nudity?

We're building up to that.

Yeah.

The final week of our tenure on six musics.

When we get other jobs or decide to leave, we're going to do a really shocking black squadron.

Come on.

And for which we'll get instantly fired.

That's right.

But we will amass a massive collection of very strong photographs.

Get these sick jocks off the air.

That's what's going to happen.

I mean, what would be the word we could say for the Black Squadron command that would instantly get us fired?

cover of all the national newspapers some kind of no don't say anything domestic animal well listen have you seen how are you on virals do you like getting virals when people send you virals the one i've enjoyed this week is the clip from Roland Emmerich's forthcoming twin film 2012 oh yeah there's a 10-minute extraordinary 10-minute clip of that online with all disaster stuff and someone's taken out all the disaster footage so it's just the acting and it's very funny and very short i would imagine pretty short yeah i've enjoyed that one this week but you know by and large

Not really.

Oh, really?

Yeah, my heart doesn't soar when a new link comes through from someone I barely know.

I get up and start dancing.

To you.

A new nutty viral.

You'll never believe this!

Actually, no, that's not true.

It doesn't happen very often in our house.

But my wife bounded over to me one evening and said, have you seen this?

Because she doesn't get virals very often, I don't think.

Viruses, yes.

But virals, no.

And so she opened up her computer.

She was dead excited.

She said, I don't know if this is real or not.

Right.

I was already thinking, well, it's probably not real.

And she said, have a look at this.

You've got to read all the text first, she says, right?

It's like she's never seen one of these things before.

And so basically it was all about this couple who had been out on holiday with their son.

They'd been scuba diving and they'd said, and they have an underwater camera.

They said to the son, can you take a picture of mum and dad underwater with our scuba gear on?

The sun goes to take their picture.

Can I guess?

Yeah, go on.

Massive shark approaching behind them.

Yeah.

Is that what it was?

Yeah.

Right.

Massive shark.

And so there's this whole story about how he's gesticulating and mum and dad are saying, Karen, just take the picture afterwards.

He shows them the picture.

He goes, weren't you freaked out?

And they're like, what do you mean?

He says, look, look at the picture.

There's a famous photo of someone standing on top of the Twin Towers.

That's right.

With a plane right over his shoulder.

Yeah.

There were lots of faked ones like that, weren't there?

That was, I mean, I remember when that one came out, it was so shocking that I just thought, who would fake this up anyway?

But this is slightly different, this one is more sort of sweet, but it is obviously fake.

Like, it's an absolutely giant shock, right?

For the one from George.

Yeah, no, it's like the one from Finding Nemo.

Right.

You know, I'm not animated.

It's not actually animated.

It's a decent Photoshop job of this couple kind of doing the thumbs up in their scuba gear with this enormous shock.

And so I sort of laughed and my wife said, do you think it's real?

I said, no, it's not real.

She said, well, how do you know?

We just laugh and say, no, it's not real.

How do you know?

I said, well, look at the size of the shot.

It's an absolutely huge shot.

If that shot really, if that picture had been taken, that would be on the news.

She said, that's your logic, is it?

That it would be on the news.

And I was like, why are you getting angry?

Are you upset because it's not real?

Listen, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's real.

I don't think it is real.

And we had a little tension exchange about the fact that I poo-pooed the viral.

But she was outraged that my logic was it would have been on the news.

Yeah, that is weird logic.

Good evening.

This is the news.

Couple almost eaten.

You'll never believe this picture coming up.

I mean, if the news covered stuff like that, it's all they have on the news.

If that was a real picture, that would have been the news.

I'm divided.

I'm half with your wife.

I mean, frankly, you both come across as idiots.

Have a look at the feature and we'll respond to it after after a couple of songs.

Here's a free play for you right now listeners.

Now we're big fans of Uros Childs, ex of Gorky's Zygotic Monkey, and he's got a new album.

I don't know if it's out or if it's coming out.

It's called Son of Eurochild.

And this is, I mean, it's quite a nutty album, right?

Well, he's quite prolific.

isn't he?

He turns out lots of stuff and he's quite experimental and I suppose at his most accessible he's beautifully sort of wistful and you know, folk-y.

This sounds like... He's a little more experimental on this one.

Yeah, it sounds like kind of outsider art, you know.

Which one have you chosen?

Because I was flicking through it thinking which one... Like this then try this.

You know, which is a thing that he's correctly identified as being an annoying thing about modern society, is people kind of pre-programming you and trying to guess your tastes and sell you... Genius button.

Genius button, right.

So this is a kind of mad song about that, which ends up with a really pleasing refrain of him just sort of going,

Do you like telephones?

I like telephones.

Do you like mayonnaise?

I like mayonnaise.

Hope you enjoy this.

Like this, then try this by Uros Childs.

A little enjoyable slice of dementia there from Uros Childs.

Like this, then try this.

We're just having a look at the picture of the shark.

Yeah, a guy called Rob Evans, thank you Rob, has sent in the photo in question and also the source photo from which it was taken.

Joe was impressed by the photoshop job.

Yeah, it's an unusually good blending of this photo of a shark and the two divers.

But Joe was chuckling at the notion that it would be on the news.

It wouldn't!

Look at the size of the shark!

Well, it should be on the news.

Usually the news is dominated by grim stuff.

But if that photo was real, that would be on the news.

If I was running, if I was producing a decent news program.

Rather than this shoddy news programme.

Right, and this rubbish news programme.

That would be my top story, my lead story.

Well, it would be a better world.

I pointed out to Adam that it could just be in SeaWorld or some safe environment.

They do not have sharks that size in SeaWorld.

But then it all started kicking off again.

It was like being your wife.

I would like to hear from a shark expert.

Can you tell me, shark expert, have a look at the viral picture.

All you do is search for shark, scuba couple, whatever, and you'll find it pretty quickly.

Scuba shark.

It's cool.

And tell me if you know anything about sharks, whether, if that pit was real, right, would that not be like the biggest shark ever?

Sharks that size don't wander around.

Would that be in your script for the news?

Yes!

And later, is this like the biggest shark ever?

We'll be talking to an expert.

That's what the news will be like in the future.

And you'll probably be reading it as well.

Terrifying glimpse into it.

Something to look forward to.

Here's a trail.

Very nice.

Well done, Björk.

That's Human Behaviour.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Nice to have you along.

Now we received a message from Tim Phillips a couple of weeks back.

He says, Dear Adam and Jo, this week I was speaking at a conference about music piracy and counterfeiting, which was attended by police from 40 countries and the head of Interpol.

Wow, so he's like a serious grown-up man, Tim Phillips.

Well done.

It had been a serious morning with a lot of presentations about organized crime and I was on just after lunch.

So I thought I'd lighten the mood and give everyone a good laugh at themselves by playing a bit from Adam's piracy song that he did from Salt for Song Wars.

I started my presentation by playing the bit where he sings about how the music industry people make up the piracy figures.

Here's a little clip just to remind you if you haven't heard this song before.

I guess the world is changing I don't like it, that's the way it is

So there you go.

Can we be sure that's the bit he played?

I'm pretty certain.

To the entire Interpol.

He says, I think I misjudged the mood because instead of a big laugh there was just an awkward silence.

Does anyone listen to Adam and Jo?

I asked cheerfully.

Everyone just stared at me.

Who was in the audience then?

Police from 40 countries and the head of Interpol at this conference about music piracy.

That's amazing.

Were you fired, Tim?

Immediately.

Were you immediately pulled up by your collar and fired?

I hope so.

We do enjoy getting emails about people who for some insane reason use the show in some kind of educative or like official way.

Like we had someone who was, we occasionally get students who do essays or something based on the show.

Yes, theses, theses.

Yeah, we had, I think, someone who was training, was it people in the Turkish army or something to speak English, and he was using the show to teach soldiers English.

I mean, that just seems terrifying thought.

Absolutely ridiculous.

For future wars.

But Interpol, though, I mean, that's insane.

Surely, they don't really have much of a sense of humor about themselves anyway.

and about piracy and counterfeiting, do you think?

There can't be a lot of chuckles at those conferences.

They're not known for their sense of humour or irony or powers of discretion, really.

No, so Tim, you were really sticking your neck out there.

Yeah, a brave man, well done.

Thinking that was going to go down well.

Be some kind of medal for Tim, shouldn't there?

Yeah.

Or maybe he could have a kind of a Black Squadron rank shift, you know?

Some kind of... Like a gold idiot hole badge.

Yes.

Like a really shiny one.

Would that be something he'd wear with pride?

I think so.

If he's going to play... We've discussed that before, haven't we?

Like the blue Peter badges they used to give out.

Yeah.

Remember you used to get a white one, a blue one, a silver one, and a gold one.

Nice laminated thing we need.

Yeah.

Laminated?

No, I don't mean laminated.

I mean, um... It could be laminated, Adam.

I think it should be laminated.

It would be gold.

We could probably put it through a laminate machine.

Yeah.

Is it time for the news now?

It is.

It's 9.30 and here is the news.

That was White Winter Hymnal by FleetFoxes.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Don't go thinking that it's just some randomly concocted command.

They are, of course, building up to the most extraordinary operation.

I know we've been saying that for a year and a half.

Nude operation?

Why are you obsessed with nudity?

You are too.

Am I?

Attack being the best form of defence there.

You just turned it around, threw it back in my face with that even of pause.

I'm just going to go through some of the best toast photos we've got.

Matt Donison has threaded soldiers onto an actual bracelet.

He's buttered them, providing a very convenient dipping mechanism if he had a bit of eggy there.

Very nice.

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Anna has done some beautiful circular.

She's punched out perfect circles out of toast, one slightly smaller than the other, and then they actually do look like beautiful breaded bracelets.

Those are really nice.

Those are the kind of things they used to have on shows in the 80s where they would encourage you to make your own fashions.

Well, you know, 80s is back again.

People from the Face magazine.

Alex and Amy have toast bracelets.

They're actually toasting their toast bracelets with a little bit of alcohol.

Would we encourage adult Black Squadron members to have a little bit of a drink in the first half hour of the show?

I think we have in the past.

Have we?

Yeah.

Well done.

It's nearly Christmas.

Alex and Amy from Simon Weets.

There's a triple toast bracelet fist bump.

Very nice.

And finally, not to be advised, Black Squadron member MJ is putting metal bracelets into the toaster.

Yeah, that's insane.

Don't toast the actual bracelets.

I mean, yeah, the bracelets themselves probably conduct electricity.

Come on, guys.

Hey, guys, guys, guys.

Now, listen, the other thing I should tell you listeners, if you can visit the webcam and see the studio here, you might see that

Count Buckley's has his arm in a sling.

Yeah.

Yare mentioned it at the end of his show because he saw it.

It's quite a shocking sight.

It's one of those sort of pathetic slings.

Well, no, what a pink.

No, what do you mean?

Well, no.

What do you mean pathetic?

Well, it's not a proper.

You haven't got your arm in plaster and it's not a big piece of proper white cloth.

No, it's it's sort of pink foamy.

Yeah.

Fabric.

Yeah.

The sort of stuff that a float is made out of in the pool vaguely.

I don't know.

A little bit.

It's foamy.

It's surgical foam.

It was done by a doctor in the A&E department.

Really, and it's just loosely around the wrist.

It's the kind of thing that kids would come to with school and then manage to get out of all lessons, even though it didn't look very painful.

No, Yara correctly pointed out that I could easily have got out of this show.

You could, can I?

And I was considering yesterday, I phoned Garth to see if he would be able to do it.

Did you?

Yeah, I was in hospital all day yesterday.

Really?

Well, this is what I'm leading up to.

And it looks bad, man.

Tell everyone what to do.

Well, I was moaning about my L bone, a mysterious swelling on my L bone, right L bone, about three weeks.

Now, four weeks ago it was now.

For the last four years.

Weeks.

No, for four weeks.

I was hilariously referring to it as my painful guy, Garvey, in the mistaken belief that it would clear up and go, wait, hasn't it?

It's just got worse.

went to the, uh, finally I was in so much pain a couple of nights back.

It doesn't look like anything, doesn't it?

No.

And I was in so much pain, couldn't move, literally almost crying, uh, that I finally had to go into A&E, right?

Because I was getting no joy from my doctor who went to my GP.

He told me to tough it out.

He didn't.

I would have thought that was the kind of thing you'd respond to.

Tough it out.

Well, I did.

At that point, when I was in with the GP, I wasn't in such agonizing pain.

It was just persisting.

I was like, why hasn't this gone away?

He said, oh, you should just tough it out.

In a month, it'll be a distant memory.

So I said, all right, I'll tough it out.

I thought, OK, fair enough, bit of reassurance from the doc.

But that night, tears of pain rolling down my cheeks, right, I was I couldn't move or anything like the slightest movement would just send me into paroxysms of agony.

So I go into A&E, right?

Do you think that's fair?

Yeah, that's fair.

Lady at the A&E takes down my details.

I describe what's going on.

She goes, that's not really the kind of thing you're supposed to come into A&E for.

It's not an accident.

No, so it's not really an emergency.

It's an emergency that if the pain is intense, that's an emergency, right?

I said the pain is unbearable and it feels as if it's just getting worse and I don't know what to do.

And my GP has been of no use to me.

So what am I supposed to do?

Tough it out.

tough it out.

Well, I tough it out, waited for three hours in A&E, and then they saw me.

They were very nice indeed.

And then the day after that, I went back in for a battery of tests, blood tests, x-rays.

Oh, you look happy about that.

Well, it's nice to have a battery of tests.

His eyes lit up on battery of tests.

Because then you feel something's being done.

You know what I mean?

They're looking into it.

You're not being told to tough it out.

You're not being asked if you're under a lot of stress.

Have you had the results back?

Yeah, to all normal, right?

Which makes it even worse.

Wow, so it's like a mystery disease.

Mystery disease.

Really?

So I got various people coming in and poking and prodding me, which is very shameful.

Specialists.

And then they started taking samples from my joints.

Injecting my L bone.

Yeah, I've never experienced such excruciating.

They give you a local a little local but she said This is just gonna numb the skin.

It's still gonna be very painful and sure enough.

It was Unbelievable.

I nearly passed out was it was amazing.

Is there no way that we can, like, have the BBC got, like, a staff doctor, a special... I think they do.

...castle doctor?

There's a BBC dentist, apparently, that I'm really excited about.

Well, let's take care of this.

Ben's saying no, but we'll make one up.

Can't we get, like, a... Let's get Stephen and Max in a doctor's outfit.

That would be great, yeah.

He could suck the blood out of my... Exactly.

Exactly.

He'll give you a full body blood transfusion.

You just need to drink the blood that is built off on the airborne.

Okay, here's the eels right now with the look you give that guy.

Very nice and relaxing.

That's eels with the look you give that guy.

That's from their last album, Ombre Lobo, I believe.

Yeah.

You're right.

This is Adam and John, BBC Six Music.

Good morning listeners.

It's time for

Retro-Tex-the-Nation.

Now, Retro-Tex-the-Nation has got a jingle and... People love the jingle.

They do, but it had like an earlier incarnation.

Do you remember that?

A sort of a funky... Well, it started out as a funky track that you did over a Garage Band thing, right?

And a gentleman called John Paul Spears sent in the following email.

Hi, Joe and Adam.

I've recorded a jingle bed for you.

The vocal from the original Retro-Tex-the-Nation should slot perfectly into this backing track.

I estimated your tempo at 114 beats per minute and used that.

It's based on the jazz standard, one note samba, Love from Spearsie.

Nice one, Spearsie.

So he by ear figured out the precise tempo of the original jingle and then made this bed for it and I popped it into Garrott Band and popped the vocals over it and it works amazingly.

Yeah.

And I think Spears has set an extraordinary, Spearsie, he's set an extraordinary precedent

and showed incredible skill, cunning and acumen that other listeners might like to rise to his challenge.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, they might like to rise to his acumen.

I mean, check out how well this fits.

And you did bin in there as well.

I've switched it to bin.

We got an avalanche of angry mails about people saying, why did you count out a little bit of anti-American trash pressure?

Here's one.

If you weren't listening last week, you remember that we got an email from a girl called Clem and her sisters saying that they didn't like the use of the word trash in that jingle.

Yeah.

Thought it was an Americanism and they wanted me to change it to bin, so I did change it to bin.

But as Adam says, we got loads of mail complaining about that here.

For instance, there's one from Will Took.

Your email from the voice of the people Clem last week concerning the use of the word trash and retrotext the nation was certainly passionate but academically shoddy.

In Julius Caesar Act 4 Scene 3 Brutus wonders whether he shall be forced to sell the mighty space of our large honours for so much trash as may be grasped.

Similarly, in Henry IV Part 2 Act 1 Scene 4, the Duke of York orders his soldiers to, quote, lay hands upon those traitors and their trash.

Moreover, both Caliban and his master, the magician Prospero in the Tempest, use the work.

If one consults the Oxford English Dictionary, they will find that John Skelton, another Englishman, Henry VIII's tutor no less, uses the term in his morality play Magnificence, first performed in 1518,

less than 30 years after Columbus discovered the New World in 1492.

Also, I think if you go and see Hamlet at the moment, there's a bit in there where he says, and now my message might be read out instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about.

It's been reinstated.

Hamlet.

That's a Shakespeare play.

Two laws in it.

Will provides a massive amount of evidence there that trash is not an Americanism, it's a British word.

Other people saying that of course we receive most messages digitally so you would drag them into the trash on the screen, but I don't know, you can't please everyone all the time, can you?

You shouldn't even try.

Well, I've started trying.

That's where you went wrong.

What if I do a version which says bin and trash simultaneously?

No, no, no.

Bash?

I tell you what you should do.

Trin.

Because now you feel too proud to switch it back, right?

Now you feel like you're going to be Johnny Flip Flop.

You should go and switch it back.

I do feel like I'm going to be Johnny Flip-flop.

Yeah?

No, I want to be Johnny Flip-flop.

Tommy U-turn.

You should just switch it back, guy.

I want to be Tommy Flip-flop.

Don't be like all these people like British Airways who spend however many millions of pounds rebranding and then everyone goes, eh, it was much better before.

Just switch back, guy.

I can't stop thinking about Tommy Flip-flop.

Johnny Flip-flop.

Johnny Flip-flop, wasn't he?

I don't know.

There's two of them now.

That's Tommy U-turn.

They're wicked.

All they're wearing is little speedos and flip-flops.

Listen, Jonny flip-flop, if the Retro Text the Nation jingle is not back to trash next week, I'm going to beat you.

Really?

Yeah, I'm going to beat you.

Well, listen, we've waffled on for so long, we're going to actually do the Retro Text the Nation business after this next record.

This is a free play by me.

This is from Steve Martin's new album of... It's by me.

What?

It's a bit, you know, it's taking credit for a lot.

Did I say this is by me?

Yeah, it's a free play by me.

Oh yeah, I mean chosen by me.

Yeah, by.

It's actually performed by Steve Martin, the comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

It's mainly by you.

Do you like it when people end sentences up?

What's like that?

My son does it.

Steve Martin, the comedian?

Yeah.

It's from his album, The Crow, which features new songs for the five-string banjo.

This is called Late for School.

Steve Martin from his album, The Crow, new songs for the five-string banjo released this year.

That was called Late for School.

This year, was it?

Yeah, I think so.

And we got a message from someone saying that Uros Childs' album, which we played a track from earlier on, was available for free on his website.

It is available for free.

Now, we haven't actually researched that or backed it up.

It's just an email we received.

It might be wrong, but it might be because it was.

Now it's time for Retro Text the Nation.

We've sort of lost control of our jingles this morning, haven't we?

Yeah, all over the place.

Because we've done the jingle before now, so we're just going to launch into it.

What was the subject of Text the Nation last week, Adam?

It was kind of new demented shops inspired by a trip to a shop called Hollister in Westfield Shopping Centre, where all the staff were ridiculously good looking and it's incredibly dark and super air conditioned and the music's very loud.

So we were thinking of new things to do to jazz up the shopping experience.

That was last week's subject, and of course Retro Text the Nation is the place where... Oh, I don't know, I can't... It's an opportunity for people who listen to the show during the week rather than live on Saturdays to contribute to Text the Nation.

So here are some of the emails we got.

This is from Michael Lumley in Leeds.

Hi Adam and Jo, my idea for this week's Text the Nation would be a sweat shop.

Oh, I thought it was a sweet shop.

This shop has the look and feel of a traditional sweatshop.

Ah, that's nice.

A traditional sweatshop.

With many orphan children working at sewing machines, each child produces a different coloured t-shirt with writing on it.

And you buy the t-shirts straight from the children themselves.

This makes the shopper feel very guilty seeing the poor orphans and immediately begin buying various coloured t-shirts with writing on them from the various orphan children.

Michael Lumley and Leeds.

Now, that's a very good idea.

Well, it would certainly be nice to put a face to the little children.

Exactly.

And it'd be good to see them in the flesh and... In an authentic environment.

A traditional environment.

If you watch BBC Three, every other show on that channel seems to be some kind of teenage girl going to India to get angry about the sweatshops.

There seems to be a kind of a queue of... Do you love BBC Three?

I do love their documentaries, yeah.

There was one on the other day as well, and just these very, quite sort of...

pretty overly made-up teenage girls going and putting their hands on their hips and shouting at sweatshop owners.

How can you possibly do this?

This is disgusting!

This place should be closed down!

Which is quite right, obviously, but possibly simplifies the economic and social issues.

Apparently not.

They've all been closed down.

Have they been closed down?

Thanks to her.

Yeah, since that documentary.

Good stuff.

But they could do that in this shop as well.

They could have a kind of manager.

He'd just be an actor.

Yeah.

And you could shout at him, you know, you could really complain about all the injustice in the world.

Yes.

And they could kind of mime closing down the shot.

It would be very cathartic and then you come out and you've got a t-shirt with right on it.

Exactly.

But as soon as you leave, they all go back to work.

I like it.

They reset.

Here's one from Stuart Bell in Cambridge.

He says,

My idea for a high-concept shop would be to have it decked out like an old-style school outfitters with all different uniforms in separate places.

In this case, however, instead of schools, they would be various visually identifiable subculture groups.

So you'd have the skinny jeans and grubby hoodies indie kids section, a corner of black items for the Goths and so on, where the brilliance arrives.

is that the shopping experience is just like going shopping for a school uniform with your mum.

You're assigned a lady to help you who not only picks out appropriate clothes for you.

Once you've told her your school, did you read it through first?

No.

You're just coming to terms with it laughing.

I was trying to make it sound like I had.

It's a good idea, man.

Keep going.

But also make sure you're

But also, make sure you buy things that fit and chivvies you along in the changing rooms, etc.

I don't like shopping very much and this would be a big help.

It ended well though.

Stuart Bell in Cambridge.

No, discuss that.

It's just the middle bit that went wrong.

Okay, so Stuart's idea.

What was Stuart's idea?

As I understand it.

You were concentrating so hard on just getting the words out.

For a shop.

You didn't actually hear.

It was.

It's like a shop and they sell goth clothes in one corner.

Goth clothes?

Goth clothes.

Oh goth clothes.

And indie clothes in the other corner and there's a woman who shouts at you.

How is that different to his idea?

It's kind of the same, but he's talking about like a school uniform.

He's drawing a comparison between contemporary styles and school uniforms.

He's saying contemporary fashion is basically like a series of school uniforms.

Right.

And you could go into a shop like a school uniform shop and be measured and allocated the correct uniform.

That came across.

But you'd have to go with your mummy.

Yeah, yeah.

I said all that.

Have you got one there?

It's a good idea though, isn't it?

Very good.

Well done, Stuart and Cambridge.

Sorry, I massacred your letter.

Here's another one.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

Please read this email out.

I listen to your show on the internet every Monday morning whilst I draw my molecules here in Barcelona.

Sounds slightly insane.

He works in a biomedical... This is Louise, actually.

She works in a biomedical research lab in Barcelona.

My idea for a crazy shop is having all the assistants seem like psychopaths.

For example, one is strapped onto a trolley like Hannibal Lector with a mouth guard on, with someone else to push him around between customers.

Another one would be in a straitjacket, another nonchalantly carrying a grubby hold-all with an elbow sticking out of it.

Maybe.

Occasionally the assistants start to fight between themselves.

Everything else in the shop is normal.

Apart from their physical appearance and fights, the assistants behave like regular people and do not acknowledge there is anything abnormal.

Why is that a good idea for a shop?

You could also use real psychopaths.

But there may be health and safety issues.

She doesn't go into saying why it's good or how it would enhance.

She's been spending too long staring at molecules.

Do you think she can stare at things so hard that she can see the molecules?

Yes, she can see them at a molecular level.

Is it true that if you stare at something for long enough you do start to see the molecules?

Yeah.

Is that not true?

That's not true.

Is it true that one time a couple was scuba diving and their son took a photo of them?

And behind them.

And there was this big plane behind them.

Yeah, it was on the news.

Was it on the news?

Yeah.

Wow, I love the news.

Is that enough retro textinations?

I think it is.

Oh, can we do one more?

Go on then.

A shop modeled on trendy New York loft apartments staffed entirely by extremely good looking second year art students with hangovers.

The shop sells massively overpriced designer stuff and stupid plastic fisheye cameras that make everyone look like they have big faces.

The customers who shop there do so because it fills them with a false sense of smug superiority over their fellow wannabe indie types as their navy blue polo shirt has a little gold badger on it whereas the serfs navy blue polo shirt does not.

The customers often have haircuts that cost more than their shoes and cannot name more than four countries.

It would be called urban outfitters.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Who was that from incidentally?

Don't know.

Uncredited satire.

Forgot to put it on the page.

Sorry.

We're at absolute disgrace.

Here's a trail right now.

This is for Sean Keveny.

Enjoy the trail.

This is the voice of the big, windy castle.

It is the top of the hour.

Ooh, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and day.

That's the XX there with Islands.

They sound a lot like young marble giants.

They're super hot right now.

Have you seen the XX perform?

They were in the Hub a few weeks back.

Are they?

Yeah.

Were you watching them perform in the Hub?

I was, and they looked impressive.

They were one of those bands you sort of stopped and you thought, oh, this is good.

They don't give a fig.

Do they not?

Well, they probably do, but when they're standing there playing, it appears that they don't.

What are they doing?

Nothing.

They're just gazing at their shoes.

Yeah, whatever.

They don't give a fig.

They're just nonchalant.

Yeah.

They hate challenge.

Challenge?

Yeah.

What's challenge?

That's what you, it's the opposite of nonchalant.

Ah, nonchalant.

Britain's got challenge.

Yes, exactly.

That would be another name for it because they'd be so excited.

They've got the haircuts.

Mm hmm.

And they're South Londoners, aren't they?

Are they?

I think so.

I like them.

Yeah.

I think they're good.

You think you had a free play of theirs?

Yeah, I free played one of theirs the other week.

Yeah.

I'd like to hang out with them.

So give me a call, XX.

I said that one.

We can just hang around in South London and stare at our shoes.

You remember years ago, I thought...

I mistakenly believed that as soon as you're on the radio, like, everyone listens to you and you instantly can be friends with anyone you want to.

So I remember, like, when the Libertines came out, I thought they were fun and I'd seen Pete Docherty being interviewed on MTV and I said, like, I'd love to hang out with Pete Docherty.

When was this?

Years back, like, 2003 or something?

Well, I think that's a reach, that's an achievable aim.

It is now.

Yeah.

All you need is, like, ten quid.

He busks regularly, doesn't he?

Now, we had a few messages from people who had heard my voice on the Philippe Stark sort of, what would you call it?

It's not really a documentary, is it?

No, I don't think it is a documentary.

It's one of those kind of eliminations.

It's a reality series.

It's like a reality elimination thing, a little bit like The Apprentice.

It's a design apprentice, The Apprentice for contemporary design.

And it's on BBC, is it on Tuesday evenings?

I don't know.

Sometime around.

It's a prime time proposition, though.

It's like a nine o'clock thing.

And he's a ridiculous over-the-top French design figure.

I mean, he's also quite brilliant in the industry.

You reckon he's brilliant, do you?

Well, he's very, yeah, he is, because he's completely distinct and you can tell a Philip Stark thing.

Can you?

What's his most famous design?

The Philip Stark golf ball, of course.

Is that true?

Yes, it is a triangle.

Well, someone suggested the other day that I replace or fool around with the VO, because I do the voice-over, right?

You do the voice-over, yeah, and it is disconcerting for, I mean, I sat down and watched it the first week it was on.

And I realised it had your voice in it.

I tried to do a serious one as well.

Yeah, but it's hard not for it to be a bit funny, even when you try and do your serious voice.

I was directed to be serious by that director.

But it's odd, and especially when we know that you do quite an outrageously peculiar French accent yourself, it does not sound dissimilar to Starks' outrageously peculiar French accent.

Well, with that in mind, I've slightly retooled the first minute or so of the programme.

Good one.

World-renowned designer Philippe Starck has set out to find Britain's best young creative talent.

Great design is all about the unexpected idea, like a bed made out of glass or a glass made out of glass and a bed.

From hundreds of online applicants, he chose 12 to join his school of design in Paris.

Bonjour, les englais, pouvous la là!

Now he's putting them through their paces to find the best of the best.

I use the best of the best.

Yes.

OK, you stay.

Thank you.

One up-and-coming designer who's worthy of a place at his own agency.

I am crazy.

OK, I say what I think, because I'm a genius.

Look at my nipples.

Woo-hoo.

So far, he has challenged them to rethink everything they know.

OK, you know, mugs, mugs, OK, for drinking the coffee and the tea?

Rethink.

Instead, use the smashed hat of a tramp.

He has praised their high moments, and slammed their low ones.

And when students fail to meet his exacting standards,

A return journey through the channel tunnel beckons.

I want you to go out through the channel tunnel now like a big fart, because that's what you are to me, a massive great fart of a person.

Go get out of my sight out of it now and take your lonely chair with you.

That's a better program.

Oh, come on.

It's a much better program.

You know what I'd also like to hear is the voiceover done in that voice as well.

One of the whole things.

Water waters.

Just insane.

Frenchorama.

And have, instead of British students, insane French students as well.

That was excellent.

Thanks for doing that.

We need some music to recover now.

Yeah, here's a free choice for you.

Now, I did a bit of DJing at a club called the 13th Floor and the Albany Nasturtium.

How did that go?

It was great fun, and lots of nice people came along who listened to the show.

And as usual, it was such a joy to meet them, really genuinely a pleasure.

And one of the people that I came up to, it was a couple, and they... That he came up to.

You were approaching them.

Yeah, I was just wandering around.

Hey!

Do you listen to our show?

Doesn't matter, it's okay, don't worry.

Louise and Neil, actually they came up to me when I was on the way to the Lavi and they said, hi, we really like your show, we've just had an amazing day, they'd just been to see Mott the Hoople.

And Ian Hunter from Mott the Hoople, he's like in his 70s now, and he was playing at the Bats Apollo or whatever it's called now in Hammersmith.

And apparently it was an amazing gig and he was on top form, so Louise and Neil were walking on air.

Also, they bumped into Mick Jones from the Clash, who's like the original Mott the Hooples superfan.

He turned out to be an absolutely lovely guy.

And so they... And then they met you.

And then they met me.

Wow, what a day.

So this one, I asked them if they played this song and they said they didn't, but this is one of my favourite Mott the Hooples songs.

This is Sea Diver.

That was howling bells with setting sand.

How do you like howling bells?

Yeah, yeah, kind of Yeah, yeah, it was good stuff there Adam and Joe here on BBC six music coming up later in the show We've got a couple of features for you listeners.

Really?

Yeah, we're pushing them today We got one feature right where we get people to send us in ideas what on like a subject?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, what's called text donation?

It's got a jingle complicated.

It never worked.

Really?

Well, we might drop it then.

And we've also got made-up jokes as well.

Have you got made-up jokes in your locker there?

I've got so many made-up jokes.

You know what I was thinking?

I mean, the response to the made-up jokes thing is voluminous.

It really is.

And we could do... Do you think this would work if we did a made-up jokes special?

This is what I'm proposing.

An entire three-hour show of solid made-up jokes.

Oi!

Now... Why is that good?

I don't know.

What do you think would happen?

Because it would be fun at the beginning, wouldn't it?

And then it would get torturous in the middle.

It would get boring in the middle.

But then what would happen towards the end?

Would it?

Do you think you'd go through?

Well, maybe you'd pass through into some incredible new kind of hysterical, tedious... But you're assuming people would listen for that length of time.

Well, we'd all try.

We'd be like a national effort.

I think we'd just switch off at five to ten.

Do you think?

Well, you could if it got too much for you, medically.

We got made up jokes anyway.

We're not going to do that this show, but we've got a few good... I mean, I've got some ones that really made me chuckle.

Yeah, some good ones.

And a little bit more controversy as well about people stealing them.

I mean, this is something that maybe we're going to have to put to bed because people are always going to think that the jokes are being nicked, right?

I think I still maintain that you can apply some criteria.

Really?

Google search is good.

And if it's if it's just an old play on words on terms that have been around a while, then of course someone's thought of it.

That's the thing.

We've got to focus on jokes that aren't just completely easy little puns.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's coming up later in the program.

Tonight is X Factor Night, isn't it?

Of course it is, Adam.

Of course it is.

Are you watching that?

No, of course I'm not.

Actually, we watched it last week because it was the emotional pornography one.

That's right.

It was the nervous breakdown one.

And that for me is the climax of the series.

It's just downhill from here.

I don't usually... As soon as they get in the studio, I don't care.

I don't usually watch the thing, but I did tune in last week.

My wife was excited about it.

And, uh, yeah, the emotional pornography.

So the deal is right.

Um, before you find out the judge's decision, you're asked how you're going to respond.

The, the, the contestants are.

Yes.

What you're saying, the production staff ask them how they're going to respond.

Yeah, no, like in the VT packages, right?

They sort of say before they find out just, you know, if they're going through to the next round, they sort of say, you know, how are you going to... How will you feel?

Yeah.

And so they sort of say, I'm going to be absolutely... And they've got to outdo each other for how gutted they're going to be.

Is that the deal?

And they've got to say, yeah, I'm going to be absolutely miserable.

My life's never going to be the same again.

I'll have to go back to my pathetic life and go back to the nursing home and help people, like some kind of loser, you know, and that'll be a disaster area.

But presumably they have to make it sound as bad as possible to show that they're serious about wanting to win, right?

Yeah.

And then when they find out the result, when they find out they are going home, then they just lose the plot.

Sometimes their legs collapse.

Yeah.

Sometimes their legs collapse.

Their legs absolutely collapse and their heads explode.

Sometimes.

I was having dinner with an American lady this week and she said on American X Factor, she watched that show of British X Factor and said that she was really shocked by how demeaning it was for the contestants.

How is it more noble in the States?

propose that their life is going to be destroyed.

They keep their basic integrity intact.

And they would never reduce somebody to a tearful crumbling wreck.

No, I don't believe that.

Well, she maintained that.

America is the stronghold of tearful crumbling wrecks, isn't it?

No, but in America, generally, you don't destroy people.

You know, things are more aspirational and, you know, it's a more positive atmosphere.

You've got something to look forward to.

Yeah.

We like to really stamp people into the ground.

But the crying is out of control.

Yeah, I mean it's like if you don't cry now, then you you're an idiot and you don't deserve to be on the show, right?

But what you know, it's just completely gone mental.

Mm-hmm, right?

Everyone is crying.

We're talking about the guy from alone in the wild crying James cracknalls crying You know what?

I caught four seconds of loose women the my least favorite television and they were talking about it as well And it's up on the screen.

It said we guarantee you not to cry

Oh, okay.

And I thought, oh no, they're talking about crying as well.

What would happen if everything we talked about on this show was also talked about on Loose Women?

Well, it would mean that we had a wide demographic appeal.

Yeah.

And we were shoring up a certain part of that demographic by being men.

That was quite a technical explanation.

Anyway, listen, that's a tangent.

So yeah, crying.

Crying, yeah.

I mean, how does it... Well, you've now absolutely torpedoed the whole thing by just talking about loose women as if that's supposed to make me feel good about anything.

Well, maybe that's where we're headed.

No, it's not.

You could have just gone along with the talking about crying.

No, I like talking about crying.

Which is an interesting subject instead of saying, you know what, they're talking about some loose women.

Well, you've got to admit that's frightening.

No, I don't.

I can't ignore the loose women.

Why are you watching loose women?

Because I happen to turn the telly on at lunchtime.

If you turn the telly on and loose women is on there, you turn it off or you pull the plug out.

Yeah, but it's got evil powers.

Which one are you attracting?

It's like on loose women.

Yeah, if you had to.

The desk.

No, no, no.

Which one?

Come on.

They won't.

They revolve.

They rotate.

They all attach to the desk.

Which one?

Come on.

If you really had to.

Name some of them.

A Mandy Splash.

Yeah.

Do you need Runtal?

Is she the Irish one?

Frontal.

Yeah.

No, that's Dorit Dorit.

That's Doreen O'Hary.

Ronam O'Clock.

Ronam O'Clockback.

Yeah, all of them.

Would you?

I'd take the really angry old one.

Well, that's not very specific.

It's not, is it?

Are we really going to play the streets?

Dry your eyes right now, Ben.

Oh no, I've slightly ruined that avenue by poo-pooing it.

We're gonna play the horrors instead.

Whole new way.

Here it is!

Good effort.

Very good.

That's the horrors with whole new way.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 10.30.

Time for the news.

It's the Manic Street Preachers with Your Love Alone is Not Enough.

Is that what it's called?

Yes.

I'm just looking up some facts about it.

Facts.

We're gonna get some facts in a second.

Stay tuned for facts, listeners.

Any second now, it's gonna be Text the Nation time as well.

So that's very exciting.

Have you got your facts yet?

No.

It's taking a long time.

Which page are they on?

I don't know.

Your Love Alone Is Not Enough, the Manic Street Preachers, featuring Nina Pearson from Loose Women.

Your Love Alone Is Not Enough is taken from the album Send Away the Tigers.

The song uses the lyric, You stole the sun from my heart, which is the name of another classic Manic Street Preachers album, Menic.

It was released on the 30th of May 2007

Why am I reading out all these facts about a two-year-old song?

You tell us.

I'm an idiot.

Yes, you are.

Alright, listen, let's launch Text-o-nation, shall we?

Text-o-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-o-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-o-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

So Text the Nation, this week, listeners, is going to be about celebrity or famous name repurposing.

And this is where you use the name of a famous person in your everyday life as a kind of way of denoting something else.

Yeah.

OK, here are some examples.

If I want to personally, if I want to say to somebody, are you sure, you know, find out whether they're certain about something and I want to reiterate that, I might say, are you sure?

Yeah, but are you poorly sure?

Yeah?

He's a comedian.

He's an American comedian.

It's easy.

It's as simple as that.

Here's another one.

If I say to my girlfriend, I'm just off to have a bath, I sometimes like to call it a bee arth, right?

As if there's a full stop after the bee.

And then that mutates into, I'm just off to have a bee arthur.

Who's one of the golden girls.

Yeah.

Who's bee arthur.

Oh, I see.

Right.

I'm going to have a bath.

Yeah.

I'm off to have a bee arthur.

Yeah.

I'm just going to have a bee arthur.

Which is a very different prospect.

Yeah.

Equally cleansing.

Certainly.

Or here's a third example.

The other day I was watching a film on television that will remain nameless and it was kind of not very well directed, I thought.

So I said to my girlfriend, is this directed by Michael Flatley?

I didn't see where that's going.

Because the direction's very flat.

I said, well, it's very flatly directed.

Yes.

So that's the kind of thing we're after.

If you, like, taking famous names and using them in everyday conversation to just to pep things up.

What did your girlfriend do when you said that?

She said, how do I love you?

You're so clever and sexy.

Then we... Let's go to bed.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well done.

Like a flatly.

very nice so send in your suggestions i've only got those three i'm sure there's some in um there's a good episode of Seinfeld when they they're looking at someone sunbathing topless and one of them says yo yo ma that's good and then uh famous cellist then jerry comes back with your cellist uh yeah oh he i think is he and then jerry comes back with butras butras

That's exactly what we're looking for.

The text number is 64046.

We've only got an hour and 17 minutes left on this textination, so get them coming in if you do the same thing.

If you repurpose celebrity names in everyday chit-chat, please tell us.

It's just a fun little thing that we can... It's just a fun little thing.

Throughout the show, like hundreds and thousands.

Like a little bit of pepper.

It's like a little fun bit of pepper, or hundreds and thousands, or salt.

Don't go overexcited about it.

It's like sprinkles.

It's like sprinkles on the show.

It's like a fun thing.

Yeah.

Don't get excited about it.

Here's a free play.

This is from the soundtrack of the film The Wicker Man.

This is by Paul Giovanni.

This is called the Maple Song.

This is Supergrass.

Sorry, Adam.

It's all right, man.

I'm going to take care of this one.

I was going to say the Magnificent Supergrass.

Ah, with, what's the song called?

Grace.

Grace, yeah.

And at 3.30 tomorrow, here on BBC Six Music, you can hear Supergrass presenting a month of Sundays.

Well, you can hear Gaz and Danny from Supergrass.

Okay, I'm sorry.

But not Mickey.

You know, it's not Supergrass if it's not all three key members of the band.

Gaz and Danny.

Yeah.

I mean, they are, of course, key members.

But apparently, it's a really Wickles program.

Yeah, very funny.

Because they recorded it in whose house?

Gazz's house in Oxfordshire.

You shouldn't start talking if you haven't got all the facts.

Well... You know, because you launched in there.

That was Supergrass with... You didn't know the name of the song.

If that's true, I've been, you know, in error for how many years now?

I know.

I mean, that was massive.

I started talking in about 1996.

Hot calling kettle black.

But you're right, I was very ill-informed.

I took over the link and then I just didn't have the equipment.

Steamed in there.

So anyway, but at 3.30 tomorrow, and it's supposed to be really funny, all sorts of stuff went down there in the not-super-grasses house.

No, just Gaz and Danny.

What are you doing?

Why haven't you climbed out of that particular pit?

I like it.

It's dark and cosy.

Yeah, 3.30 Gaz and Danny tomorrow for Month of Sundays here on BBC Six Music.

Let's have the Made Up Jokes Jingle Band.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party

So the idea here, listeners, is these are authored jokes, right?

Yeah.

You have to be honest about it and send us in jokes that you've actually thought of.

We're going to apply various rigorous criteria to them to make sure we only get the freshest baked jokes.

And there's been an awful lot of controversy about who's been stealing whose jokes and who's been claiming that there's jokes with theirs.

Sophie Ellis-Bekster was on Twitter the other day.

Using the Schwarzenegger jokes.

Yeah, I still love Easter, baby.

And she was using it uncredited.

But then, if we get upset about that, that's inferring that we, or the person who sent us that joke, made it up.

Do we think that?

Well, I don't know.

You see, you get into difficult territory, don't you?

You see, again, Asta LaVista, baby, when does that date from?

Well, that's the 80s, isn't it?

Late 80s?

Exactly.

So someone must have thought of that.

I still love Easter, baby.

I don't know.

Anyway, here's a message as well from someone else who feels very wronged.

Messers, Buxton and Cornish, he says, this is Simon and he says, I'm a 24 year old architect and find great joy in your podcast.

which I enjoy very much.

You might remember me as I was the one who kindly sent you my Bad Minton joke earlier in the year.

I was listening this week and I was deeply saddened by you accrediting my joke to Tim Vine.

That was you saying that joke.

Well, I think somebody sent that in as an accusation.

Who the bloody hell is Tim Vine?

And I'm sorry about that swearing, they're listeners.

A lot of my friends listen to your podcasts, and when you read out my joke, I enjoyed near celebrity status for a while.

Well, a week anyway.

Especially after you used my joke in the Glastonbury tent, which we did, we read out like the best, our favourite jokes.

It went down very well.

It's a good joke.

There's no doubting that.

Can you remind us what the joke was?

My dog ate a shuttlecock.

My dog, Minton, ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton.

It's a smash.

He says, now you've thrown my contribution to your show back in my face in capitals and you've ridiculed me in front of the nation.

I can genuinely say I did author that joke and I now apologize for trying to spread a little joy and contribute to the magic you chaps reduce on the airwaves.

Maybe this Tim Vine chap

nicked the joke off me, eh?

What about that?

Summary of this ranting email in Captain Duck children's book style.

This is something we did on the podcast the other day.

We did an intro in like a children's book.

He says, my mint and joke read on Adam and Joe.

How proud could I be to get on the show?

But after using the joke, the joy is short lived.

Buckles and corn balls just called me a div.

I tell you the truth, this isn't a wine.

I've never even heard of chuffing Tim Vine.

No faith in this listener has caused me great pain.

Oh Adam and Jo, Jo, redeem my good name.

Kind regards, must get back to work, Simon."

So thanks Simon, and I'm sorry, you know, sorry if you feel you've been humiliated and your jokes been misdirected, the credit's been misdirected there.

But I hope you feel as if justice has been done now.

And that's the end of Made Up Chokes this week.

It's not.

We've actually got some real ones.

Have you got one there, Joe?

Yeah, here's one.

This is a short punchy one.

Here's one from John Gibbons.

How does Alan Sugar get his kids to go to bed?

You're tired.

Nice.

I like that one.

It's practical.

That's good.

It's a household joke.

It's useful.

All right, let's keep it short and punchy with this one from... Oh, he's someone in Kathmandu.

I didn't write down the name.

What a joke.

It's a good joke as well.

What sort of food does Sean Connery refuse to share?

I don't know.

Shelfish.

I mean, that's probably not authored.

There's probably been a few authors there.

What's wrong with that?

Well, I don't know.

I don't know.

Shellfish.

It's a good partner to... Well, because we read out tennis as well, didn't we?

Yeah, that's good too.

That would be good in a marathon.

Here's one I think is probably authored.

Oh no, I haven't put the name down on this one either.

Sorry about that.

It's been a shaky week.

Why can I always rely on my friend, the baking raster bird?

Because he's my bread-ren.

Bread-ren.

That's like an inner city kind of an urban joke.

Yeah, boy.

Yeah.

That's down on the front line there telling that joke.

Here's one from Brendan Blackshaw in Watford, and this is the first of a couple of incredibly technical ones, right?

Good, good.

What do you call a group of bad writers who are pregnant and living in South London when they experience false contractions?

Brixton Hacks.

It says, Adam, you may need to explain this one to Joe, as it's probably one for mums and dads.

Love the show, but did you get that one, Joe?

But then again, I live in Brixton, so I should at least be able to get half of it.

Have you heard of Brixton Hicks?

No, what is that?

Yeah, they're contractions like phantom contractions that come at the beginning of... Is that somebody's name?

Brixton Hicks.

Well, presumably the phenomenon was named after a medical person called Braxton Hicks.

Would that be a nice thing to have named after you?

Phantom Contractions.

Is there a band called Phantom Contractions?

Well, maybe there is now.

That should be.

That's a good joke though, Brendan.

Yeah, that is good.

Here's one from James in Melbourne.

Hi guys, a couple of nights ago, while I was asleep and dreaming, I thought of a joke and it went like this.

What do you call an elderly lady detective with a weight problem?

Glandula Lansbury.

Nice!

I read that one, that made me chuckle a bit.

That's good.

Do you want another technical one?

Yes.

This is from Nick in Nottingham.

Dear buckles and corn balls, hi.

This is a joke my friend Henry made up.

He's very proud of it.

Question.

How much does energy cost?

answer ATP.

And then he goes on to explain, in biology ATP, the letters, stands for adenosine triphosphate, which is an energy source produced during cellular respiration and viewed by biologists to be the energy currency of life.

This is basic GCSE science, so hopefully the joke will find a wide audience that it so richly deserves.

Love the show guys.

Nicky Nottingham, ATP.

That's funny, that's funny.

I mean, it's not a belly laugh, because it's very academic.

It's a kind of intellectual titter.

It's not the kind of thing that Peter Kay is going to be wheeling out.

No, it's a sort of rarefied Jeeves and Worcester chuckle.

Yeah.

Well, I could see Michael McIntyre doing it, though.

We've had some trouble with Harry Potter jokes in the recent past.

They're controversial things, but here's one I think there'll be no arguing over from Christopher Matheson in New York City.

Hi Adam and Jo, I know you're both film buffs, but did you hear about that new film about a speleologist working out of the Zimbabwean capital who would get very angry every time he had to excrete either saliva from his mouth or flatulence from his buttocks?

It was called Harare Pothola and the gob stroke let off ire.

Oh my goodness.

Harare Pothola and the gob let off ire.

Did you get it?

Christopher Matheson in New York City.

I mean that's brilliant.

You know what, I heard that on Mock the Week last week.

Did you?

Yeah.

That one's doing the rounds.

Thank you very much for all your made-up jokes.

Have you got one last one?

What does Mr. Miyagi do to relax?

Wax off.

You can't tell that.

I can't tell that.

That was from... Who's that from?

Take it back.

Will the Thrill.

I take it back.

No, it's like wax on, wax off.

Wax on.

Is that what Mr. Miyagi says?

Yeah, when he trains the kid in the karate kid.

Does he?

Yeah.

He does have a double meaning.

You didn't explain that bit though, did you?

Well, Mr. Miyagi.

Everyone knows who Mr. Miyagi is.

I didn't know that.

I know who Mr. Miyagi is.

I didn't know the technical term for what he does wax on wax on.

Are you shocked?

I'm really shocked.

We've had... this has been a racy scene.

It's a dangerous program.

This program's edgy.

This is edgy.

Ouch.

Stop that.

I've cut myself.

This is Rijksop with This Must Be It.

This is the voice of the big British castle.

You are listening to animature on six music.

We are on top of the hour.

the ATP joke has caused some controversy an email from Ellen James sorry but that joke is such an old one loved by biologists worldwide an alternative is quote can I have a pint of energy please that'll be ATP another email from Tom Williamson Adam and Joe I my rate jokes that confuse ATP with ATP have been around for years magazine to a bar orders a pint of

Adenos sign, try us fate.

The farmer goes, certainly sir, that'll be ATP.

Old, ringed out and worthless.

Says Tom in Liverpool.

Actually, that could be like a good little neat description of this show.

Old, ringed out and worthless.

Or just us as the duo.

That's not very nice.

It's not very nice.

It's kind of... But it's edgy.

It's edgy, isn't it?

And this is the theme of the show.

It's an edgy show.

So, um, listen, you know when you get annoyed, Adam?

Uh, adenoid.

And sometimes you, you know, ask for a chill cake.

Sure.

Can I have a slice of chill cake?

Yeah.

Uh, I was waiting for you to get annoyed about something in the show to do this, but you seem fairly sanguine.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, we're very level-headed.

Because someone's made us a chill cake.

No, have they?

Yeah, look at this.

Well, I'm annoyed about my arm.

I'd love some chill cake.

Who said it to us?

How do we know it's not poison chill cake?

Tom Williamson.

Well we don't.

Here Adam and Jo, I have finally got round to baking and sending you a chill cake.

Wow!

It's a double layered sponge cake, flavoured with mint, filled with real whipped cream, I'm just unwrapping it here listeners, and topped with dark chocolate.

Perfect, because mint is the key ingredient for any chillaxing session.

I've made it for some friends.

I assume he means he's, you know, tested out the recipe.

Yeah.

One of them told me it tasted like the cake equivalent of a Viscount biscuit.

Ooh, nice biscuit.

So here it is.

I mean, one of the things that you're not supposed to do when you're a presenter is eat things that are sent to you.

Especially on the radio.

Yeah, why is that?

That's something just that you sort of come to know early in any sort of broadcasting career, right?

Because yeah, because you never know if drugs or maybe like a loon has sent it to you But we what are we doing?

We're just assuming a chill cake.

Oh, so I'm eating the chill cake You have to have some as well as your chill cake

Otherwise, I'm just gonna be... It's a nice looking cake, isn't it?

Either dying or tripping on my own.

Tom, that's fantastic.

There's the cake, and it smells very chilled.

You know, a member of the band Bear Suit made me a cake the other day.

Really?

Yeah, they came along to a bug gig that I did.

Did you eat that cake?

No, I... You know, me and my whole family ate it.

Did you?

It was delicious.

Why did you start saying, no, I chu...

No, no, no, I said I absolutely loved it.

It was amazing.

I said, you know, I ate every single little bit.

So is this... Cut us a slice of chill cake, Ben.

Is the aroma making us feel more chilled?

I don't know.

Hey, Ben, listen, let's have the text-to-nation jingle while we're having some chill cake, okay?

Text-to-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-to-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-to-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

Go on, you have to have some too.

You have some first.

You have the chum chill cake!

Are we going to eat it simultaneously?

Yes, and see who drops dead first.

What a way to actually kill someone though, to send them a chill cake.

Oh no, something tastes a bit funny.

That's got a strange aftertaste.

I'm sure I can... Mmm.

What is that?

There's a peculiar taste in there.

I think it might be... I don't know, Simon Trier's fate.

It's quite ugly, it is.

I think it might be strictening.

It's not making me feel very chill.

It's making me feel worried.

I mean a dead person could be described as chilled.

Couldn't they?

Exactly.

He's really chilled.

So technically this would be a chill cake.

To make someone dead.

And cold.

I just took another bite.

I'm going to be sick.

What is the aftertaste?

Holy crap.

If we die, this would be noble.

Killed by a listener's cake.

Listen, man, no disrespect.

Who made the chill cake?

You know when you can't swallow something?

Yeah.

And you're just playing for time by over-mancy cake.

It's very curious.

Who made the chill cake?

I need some water.

Tom Wilkinson.

From H.M.

Prison.

What?

No.

I don't know.

Tom, that's delicious.

I'm sure it's fine.

It's absolutely fine.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine.

Listen, here are some text-to-nations on account of the jingle we played a second ago.

It's all about repurposing famous names for household use.

Simon and Amy in York say, a while ago, I couldn't remember the word for the person that delivers letters.

The best I could come up with was Letterman.

We now call the postman David, as in the popular US chat show host David Letterman.

Adam's vomited his cake up.

Did you swallow it?

You didn't even swallow it.

Ben's bringing the bin over.

Adam's putting his chill cake in the bin.

I ate my chill cake, for God's sake.

Did you swallow any of it?

I swallowed some, but I took another bite because I liked the look of the middle part.

Just a second bite.

But then it just... I thought it was a creamy filling, but it was just like a gob of butter or something.

That's not a nice way to describe butter.

No.

A gob.

Anyway.

You mean a knob?

No, it was more like a gob.

It was more like a gob.

Hello, Adam and Jo.

I think this example may be rather obvious and commonly used, but when it rains, I like to ask my lovely wife to bring her Natalie Imbruglia.

Is that supposed to sound like umbrella?

Umbrella, that's very tenuous.

Well, this person says it's obvious and commonly used.

You're umbrella.

I'm br- I'm br- naturally I'm braglia.

I am braglia.

All the best-selling partner in London.

This might be a rubbish taxonation.

Sometimes it happens.

Someone did send in an email.

That is just not Boris Gudnoff.

You see, that's more like it, you know?

Here's another one.

You know the Czar, right?

In the 1500s?

From Melissa in Beckenham.

Hello, Adam and Jo.

When my husband Brian thinks something's good, he doesn't just say awesome.

He says awesome Wells.

Nice.

That's quite a good one.

That's a good one.

That's a common and good and solid one.

My Natalie in Bruglia.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

When getting a drink in the pub, I say, I'm getting an Alec, as in Alec Guinness.

Oh, yeah.

That's one we've used before.

Get a pint of Alec Guinness!

Listen, this is a good one.

This is getting better.

Neil from Kent hired him and Joe.

When I put the surround sound on whilst watching a film, I often say, I'm watching a film with a Susan Surround sound on.

That's a good one.

Susan Surround sound.

I haven't heard that.

Susan Surround sound.

When I'm feeling particularly gassy, after drinking lots of fizzy pop, I'll describe myself as being gaseous clay.

Nice.

Yeah.

At work, we say, two Alans in my tea, please.

Sugar.

Who's that one from?

Joe in Tallest Hill.

I've had too much, Chill Pill.

I've lost the will to live.

The ability.

Chill Pill, Chill Cake.

Finally, for this segment, Tilly says, Hi Adam and Joe, when we want to suggest having a glass or two of wine, my boyfriend and I suggest having some Avril.

Wine equals LaVin.

The French mispronounced as LaVin equals Avril LaVin.

That's All Love You by Tilly.

I mean, that's the same kind of logic process as your Biafah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good stuff!

Okay, here's a record.

Dela Sol with break-a-dorn.

That was Dela Sol with break-a-dorn?

That's a sample from a Michael Jackson record, you know, from his album Invincible.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Nah, the break-a-dorn, the actual singing of break-a-dorn, yeah.

Oh, you see.

What's the la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la?

Get jiggy with it.

Yeah, that's the same sample as the Fresh Prince used, isn't it?

We've asked that before and people told us instantly.

It's a very famous disco record.

Listeners, we should remind you about, oh, we're not supposed to do this this link, are we?

Can we do it?

No, we're going to do it the next link, because we don't have the factoid.

So we're not going to remind you about anything.

Forget it.

In that case, I want to talk accents with you.

Good.

Right.

Ben, if you've got those accent clips on hand there.

Now, this was sent to me by someone earlier – well, sent to both of us by someone earlier in the week.

Where is the name?

Oh, yes, Paul Barton.

He made me aware of this, sent me a link to this.

And, you know, we're fans of strange accents on this programme, and there's nothing more enjoyable, I find, than an American doing quite a strange British accent.

It doesn't happen very often.

There's a lot of Brits doing bad American accents.

But not so many Americans doing terrible British shows.

I don't know.

Really?

Who can you think of?

Well, I can think of, mind you, he's actually British.

I always think of Charlie Hannon in the film Green Street that we played weeks ago.

Oh yeah.

But he's actually British.

Is he really?

thing, yeah.

What, as your Northerner is, and he's just doing a strange cockney accent.

Yeah, exactly.

So, okay, I'll accept the premise here.

Definitely, you don't get so many of them.

I mean, the Americans generally do a pretty good British accent, but there's a woman on the internet, on YouTube, I saw this clip.

She's setting herself up as a dialogue coach.

So you would think someone who would pretty much have nailed the British accent.

And I'll play you a couple of clips right now of her talking you through it.

Here's the first one.

Now let's practice the shorto.

And again, I'll give you words and sentences.

I'll say them standard American first, followed up with the British dialect.

Hot, hot.

Coffee, coffee.

Fought, fought.

Barbie, bobbie.

Not, not.

So, she gets not fairly well, but her model seems to be sort of Mary Poppins era British aristocracy.

When is that, like Edwardian or Victorian or something?

And she's not really aware of how modern British people, like at least people like Gwyneth Paltrow, even though they do tend to do the slightly kind of Notting Hill voice.

They don't really move around that much as far as the accent goes.

They're pretty good on that accent.

They're very good, you know.

It's amazing, isn't it?

But she's not really got to grips with the whole thing.

She gives us a few more examples and integrates some of those words into sentences here.

Now some sentences.

Lost coffee is not to be fought over.

The dog was lost in the fog.

The loft smelled like strong coffee.

Oh, coffee.

Coffee.

She's got coffee wrong, hasn't she?

No, it's not that bad on some of it, but it's a particular type of English person, as you say, isn't it?

That's what I'm saying, yeah.

Come for a kind of Lord of the Manor, Lord Snooty kind of deal.

The loft smells of strong coffee.

But that's what Americans like to imagine Britain as, right?

Yeah.

Kind of a green and pleasant land full of stately homes?

Who says Coughare?

Coughare.

I've never heard any.

Not even a Lord of the Manus has come.

Do you think if you went to America and started talking like that?

Yes.

That people wouldn't think it was on your job at all.

I love your accent.

Where are you from?

I'm from the Coughare-making capital of London.

I have a dog, but unfortunately the dog is lost in the fog.

Luckily, it smells of strong coffee, so I'm able to look at it quite easily.

How could we test this?

We could telephone America and talk like that.

Yeah.

And see whether anybody responded.

You can't make calls like that on the castle anymore, though, can you?

We could call America and speak in American accent.

Can't we just phone like a shop in America?

No, it would have to be pre-recorded the castle.

What if we said something awful?

That'd be a scandal.

A scandal, scandal.

It's a scandal.

But we could pre-record that one week.

Okay, let's try to do that.

Anyway, in the meantime, I've done a little song.

Oh, good one.

Because I like the dog is lost in the form.

And, you know, there was a time in the dawn of house when like people used to make house tracks all the time that just sampled little bits of speech.

They don't do that so much anymore.

I miss it.

So, I've reinstated it for you now.

It goes on for quite a long time, so you can chip in.

What we might do is play a little bit and then put the whole thing on the blog if you're interested, listeners.

So, Joe, I'm going to leave it up to you to chip in.

All right, when this becomes too much.

Yeah, when you feel that's appropriate.

Cool.

Now, let's practice the short out.

And again, words and sentences.

I'll say them standard American first.

I'll say them standard American first Followed out with the British dialect coffee coffee not coffee

If this went on for an hour, I would just let it play.

Would you?

Yeah.

I feel it's that good.

That's the same loop that I use in my This Week in Grazia song.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Euro House.

It's mixed very well.

Let's hear a bit more.

What's happening now?

That's good, that's good.

I think that's good, I think that's giving people a flavour, an idea of what's going on there.

And if you want to hear the whole of that, you could go to the blog.

Yeah, go to the blog.

Don't forget our podcast comes out on a Monday and we'll probably get that song uploaded on the blog thereabouts as well.

Would you dance if that came on there?

Sure I'd dance, yeah.

Absolutely I'd dance.

It could be a crazy dance, I do.

But it would be a dance.

Here's a free play for you listeners.

Now, this is from one of those albums that's supposedly a classic album.

It is a classic album.

And you know, I dutifully went out and bought it when I read about it years ago and was told I should own a copy.

It's Forever Changes by Love.

And it's from 1967, I think.

And I never listened to it.

You know, I just had it sitting there in my record collection.

Do you ever do that?

Go out and buy an album that everyone says you should have?

And you know, I was aware that it was quite good, but only this week have I got to grips with Forever Changes finally, after owning it for about 15 years.

It's amazing, of course, and this is a track from it called The Red Telephone.

There's a little bit of talking there at the end there, make you think about it.

They don't sound very passionate about wanting their freedom.

I want my freedom.

Can I have my freedom, please?

Freedom, please.

I'm tired of this slavery.

Oh my God, children gotta have their freedom.

Freedom, please.

Thank you.

That was love with the red telephone.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

What do you listen to during the week though, Joe, apart from 6 Music?

6 Music.

On the radio are all kinds of different stuff.

I like a lot of 6 Music.

I love 6 Music.

What's your favourite show?

6 Music.

Do you like it?

I like it.

No, but I like Resonance.

I tend to have Resonance.

I'll tell you how my settings are in my car.

Number one is Capital Radio.

Never listen to it.

Number two is BBC London.

Do you say the four?

How you listen to Johnny Bourne?

I try and listen to it.

Yeah.

Number two is BBC London.

Number three is... Oh, what's number three?

XFM, I think.

Right.

Number four is Radio 4.

Number five is Choice FM.

Number six is Resonance.

And number seven is John Gaunt FM.

Yeah.

Non-stop Gaunt.

24-hour Gaunt.

Well... What do you ask?

I'm just trying to film.

That was it?

Now we're going to go to the news.

Yeah, well, I kind of wrapped it up a little early.

I've got 25 seconds.

What a weird lick.

I know.

Let's use that in a pocket.

I know you really threw yourself into it as well.

Well, I thought you were going to spin some magic out of it.

Instead, it just ended.

I thought I was too.

You led a list of what my stations are in my car.

Well, I can tell you what mine are.

Let's go to the news.

No, no, not yet.

Listen.

News.

Radio 1.

Here's the news.

Radio 2.

Ben.

Well, the good old days, the Libertines.

Time for heroes when they were bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, hadn't burgled anyone yet.

That was a fun time.

back then.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC6 Music.

We haven't done any pro-creation for a while, have we?

Pop-pro-creation?

It's the hardest feature to actually say on the programme.

Let's play the jingle and then we can get into it and explain if you don't know what we're on about.

I like to change the lyrics of songs from time to time.

Love the taskbar to make them refer to things I do.

I call it hope hope creation and as far as I'm aware it isn't a crime I wonder if it's something you do too

There you go.

So that's pretty much explained the pop-ro creation segment there.

We've set out the stall fairly clearly.

Yeah, just give an example.

It'll soon become apparent.

Well, here's an example that I was doing earlier in the week, again, when I was wandering around White City in the west area of London.

There was a... Well, is this another visit there?

A second visit.

Is it a weekly thing?

I just wander around there.

I love it there.

Do you?

They've got free Wi-Fi.

What are you doing?

Are you working at the BBC or something?

Oh, no, I'm staying nearby when I'm in London.

Right.

Because we don't have our house in South London anymore.

Right.

So I'm staying with a friend in West London.

Right.

A friend?

Yeah.

So I walk around West... You've got another friend.

I'm having an affair.

With who?

I didn't really want this to come out on the show.

Adrian Charles.

That's sexy.

He's having my love, Charles.

You see, you dragged all this.

I never wanted any of this to come out on the programme.

So I was back at Westfield and they've got a library there, a new library, and there's a sign in the window that says, more than a library, so I can't help singing.

More than a library.

That's good.

More than a library.

Is it like a council library?

In a shopping centre?

It's just on the periphery of the shopping centre.

Okay, but it's a real proper library.

As far as I can tell.

It's not like in some weird commercial-sponsored private library.

I can't see that many books, but maybe it's digital.

I thought the British government were trying to ban libraries.

They're doing their best.

They do their best in the year after year, but the public won't stand for it quite rightly.

More than a library.

Libraries these days anyway, they're turning into kind of video shops.

Get down to Westfield.

I'm going off subject anyway.

More than a library.

That's more than a woman, of course, by the Bee Gees.

Have you got one there?

Yeah, this is a letter from Ali from Prestwick.

As a way of teaching our cat, Bobo, to stop attacking and eating bees in the back garden, thus speeding their extinction and the inevitable collapse of civilisation, my partner Karen likes to sing, bees are good, bees are good, oh Bobo, bees are good, to the tune of the shaman classic Ebenezer Good.

Personally, I prefer to sing on Awaking in the Morning and wishing to dispel the darkness of night.

I'm rolling the blind up to the tune of making your mind up by Buck's Fizz.

Good pop appropriation.

Ali from Prestwick.

Very good.

I don't suppose anyone's ever appropriated making your mind up by Buck's Fizz before.

Bees are good.

Oh bobo bees are good.

Actually they must have done like even if someone's just a little bit indecisive.

It's the use of oh bobo there I think really elevates that.

I think that's an absolute prime slice of pop appropriation.

Here's one from James.

He says, a while ago I was working for a mortgage company in Sydney Australia answering the phone.

I worked with a lady called Edna who was quite bossy.

One day she got a new trainee called Ben.

The managers all had to listen to their trainees phone calls on a separate headset and if they made a mistake they were supposed to patch in, introduce themselves and explain that it was a training call, right?

Most of them didn't really bother but Edna would listen to every one of Ben's calls and on about every third one she would patch through and say,

Hi, my name's Edna, and I'm training Ben.

Every time she would do this, I had to suppress the urge to jump up and sing, she's training Ben.

Hallelujah, she's training Ben.

Amen.

That's a good one.

I like the technical explanation as well.

It's very specific.

Thank you very much, James.

That was great.

Have you got another one there?

No, I have not.

I've got one final quick one, which is quite a good obvious one.

Sam Jordan says, does anyone else sing to the tune of Paperback Writer every time they open PDF Writer?

PDF writer.

Sure they do.

Good bit of software.

Great song.

Thanks for those.

Yeah, if you've got a appropriation that you use, you can email us.

Now we haven't been provided with a piece of paper with the email line.

I can remember it with my mind.

Do it.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk Yeah, please send it to us.

Or there's still 15, 17 minutes of the show left and the text number is 64046.

You've done well.

I remember that.

It's taken months.

I mean, I've been really worried that my brain is just crossing.

Yeah, getting away.

Like my hard drive is full.

Do you know what I mean?

Can't retain any new information.

What's fragmented?

You need to defragment your hard drive.

You need to defrag the brain.

You need Dr. Norton.

That's what I need.

That would be good, wouldn't it, if you could do that?

What if you could clear free space?

A raised free space, you know?

Absolutely.

There must be a sooner... Hey, yes, sooner or later you'll be able to do that.

Another thing that I've been feeling guilty about for the last few minutes is that I made a big play out of saying, Gaz and Danny are on Tomorrow on 6 Music at 3.30, but it's not Supergrass because it's not all three members of the group I was saying.

There's four members in Supergrass, of course.

There's Gaz's brother, isn't he his brother?

Richard, I think he's called, I'm not sure, the keyboard player.

Anyway, so I was trying to, you know, not disrespect Mickey Quinn, but in the end, I disrespected the keyboard guy.

So sorry about that, extra members of Supergrass.

Right now, here's a trail for Sean Keaveney.

This is the Flaming Lips there with silver trembling hands.

You know that Chill Cakers?

Seeped into my paws.

Like, they were so buttery.

Do you ever get that, like, after you've eaten something very buttery?

You smell of butter and milk and stuff in quite an unpleasant way for a while.

Well, look, I think Tom Williamson is probably a very nice chap.

We should give him the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think it's poisoned in any way.

No, no.

And I don't think we should be too rude about the chap's cake, because he maked it and baked it and sent it.

I know, it was really a nice gesture.

And all that stuff.

And you are being quite rude.

Really?

You're attacking him?

You started it.

You finished it.

And if you start the destruction, it can always be repaired, but the person who finishes it is the worst one.

So listen, talking of worst ones, it's text the nation time.

I like the simple ones.

One or two people have texted in saying Scott Mills did it years ago, and I know everybody does it, but

Lots of stuff we do for Texanation other people do, but it's just we've got such brilliant listeners.

They come up with stuff that's more incredible than... There's no way that Scott Mills got... Would Scott Mills have had this?

Bees are good, bees are good.

That wasn't Texanation though.

Wasn't it?

That was pot-propriation.

This is from Matt in Birmingham.

There's no way that Scott Mills had Boris Goodnoff.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Long life juice is known as LLJ.

If it's in the cupboard, it's LL warm J. If it's in the fridge, it's LL cool J.

Yes, take that scum now, Milsey!

Here's one from Matt Richardson.

I need the chill cake now.

I enjoy calling people who have a tendency to go on a bit as Gabby Roslin.

Gabby.

In your face, Mills!

Okay.

Keep it up, keep it up, keep it going.

Okay, from Nolan, Fian, Broccoli.

When we go to the shop, we always remind each other, have you got the Bilbo's?

Bilbo Baggins.

Bags, bags, bags, the Bilbo Baggins.

Nice!

Take that, Mills.

Ooh, in the solar plexus.

My mate used to call the TV remote the Frank after Frank Zappa.

Does Zappa pass me the Frank?

Yeah, like that, Mills.

When we eat Palmer ham, we call it Brian after Brian department.

It's got Mills crying in a corner.

When my boyfriend has a cup of tea, he sometimes thinks of it as a Truman.

As in Truman Capote.

Okay, that takes the nation for this week.

Thanks to everyone who's contributed.

Here's a free play.

This is from Femi Kuti and he's an Afrobeat man.

Do you know about that sort of music Adam?

Afrobeat.

What qualifies Afrobeat as being distinct from any other genre of black music?

It's from Africa in this particular.

There's loads of different types of music from Africa though.

Femi Kuti is of course the son of Fela Kuti.

Oh is he?

I always want to play some Fela Kuti but his tracks are so very long.

They are really suitable.

This is pretty good as well.

Femi Kuti from his album Fight to Win in 2001.

This is called The Choice is Yours.

That is amazing.

That's like it's been all speeded up, isn't it?

Brilliant.

Femi Kuti there with The Choice is Yours from his 2001 album Fight to Win.

Hey, we should just plug the Electric Prom Song Wars event that's taking place on the 22nd of October at the London Roundhouse.

It's like two weeks or something, isn't it?

It's two weeks.

Oh, God.

There's going to be videos, live performances.

And the Song Wars competition winners.

Nice enthusiasm.

Thanks.

Well, I got to be honest.

The application period for tickets has already passed.

No further tickets are available for the event.

And if you want to enter the Song Wars competition, you have to get your entry in by 4pm on Wednesday the 14th of October.

I'm just feeling a bit queasy.

The chill cake is still causing problems.

Are you nervous because it's a live thing we're doing?

Yeah, you know me.

I don't really like... You don't relish the live appearances.

No, not really.

No.

Anyway, but this will be fun.

It'll be fun.

You know the thing that's going to be nice about this is it'll be purely listeners to the show and the audience.

Yeah, yeah.

They'll be friendly.

They'll be good.

We'll make... It'll be fun.

It'll be fun.

We'll make a joke out of the fact that you're a little bit nervous.

Listen, when we were at Glastonbury, you were great.

Well, that's the other thing.

You know, once I get out there, I'll switch the other way.

Yeah.

I'll get overconfident.

Aggressively overconfident and ruin the whole thing.

But listen, we have had so far a grand total of 18 entries in total.

There have been 18 entries to our song wars competition where we ask you to check out our website where you will find karaoke versions of two song wars songs We want you to perform them karaoke style video it send us a link to that video and then the best performances will join us on stage at that event and Perform with us or something else.

I'll be part of the chaos sing along to the song exactly

uh last week we had nine well hang on no what's going on here the first week we had none entries second week we had nine yeah and that was not very many for my quantum of solace song and quite a lot for nutty room and then we had another nine we've had eight entries in the last week all right two nutty room entries and six quantum of solaces nice so that's good things are a little more balanced now

It's nine Nutty Room attempts versus nine Quantum of Solace attempts.

Have you seen any of your new Quantum of Solace attempts?

I haven't.

I'm going to go check them out after the show.

But it's still a very open goal, so please enter it.

Yeah, you've got until 4pm on Wednesday the 14th of October.

It is an open goal, yeah.

Because technically we've had 18 entries to the competition.

What do you say?

It's not good.

It's not really.

Not very many.

That's alright.

I mean, what we have had have been very, very good.

Hey, do you want me to tell you something that might make you actually throw up?

Why?

Someone has pointed out, because that chill cake is really still, I'm still feeling it.

Are you not?

Yeah, I've got butter built up around my cheeks.

Somebody called Mark in Luton says it probably tastes a bit funny because it was made with real whipped cream.

It must be slightly off by now, which is a very good point.

No, no, it only arrived yesterday.

Did it only arrive yesterday?

Yeah.

We don't know.

I don't.

Did it?

How do you know who's giving that information?

Lucy and Chloe out there said it yesterday.

So you think the cream is all right?

He's not going to make a cake that's going to go off in one day.

There's not whipped cream on top of the cake.

It was a hard, dark chocolate carapace on top of the butter.

Why do I feel so ill that... I don't know.

I think maybe it's the... There was a strange consistency about it.

We're not doing a good job of being less disrespectful to the guy who sent it though.

Is that it?

Then are we going to play a record and leave?

Oh, is this it?

End of the show?

Yeah, thanks to everyone who's texted and emailed.

Liz Kershaw's coming up.

We may not be with you last week, because we might be dead on account of that chill cake next week.

Yeah.

I know.

I might be in hospital with my flipping arms on as well.

It doesn't look like Liz Kershaw.

That's not... Who is that, Ben?

Chris Hawkins.

That's Chris Hawkins.

We never see Chris, because he's here during the night.

The Hawkman!

Absolutely.

He's coming up.

Wow, we are in excellent hands.

You are in excellent hands.

Take care, listeners.

Have a good week.

We love you.

Bye!