The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (03 October 2009)

Six music today from two Mickey spangles and the posse from midday Music balloon with Julie splas, but now Admiral corn balls and bucculis Welcome to the big big castle It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio

Rapping, rapping, I'm Christmas rapping.

I'm a local counsellor, there's rates to be capping.

I rap here and I rap there.

I only got two lines in.

You did very well.

Imagine if you were in like a really terrifying Detroit nightclub rapping against some really tough rappers.

Like 8 Mile.

Like 8 Mile and you came on stage and you know that was really intimidating atmosphere and you came out with that.

Rapping, rapping, I'm Christmas rapping.

I work for the council.

How does it go?

I'm a local councillor, there's rates to be capping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So strong opening cut-plate, you're saying.

But then you sort of collapsed.

I mean, the crowd would be behind you for that, they'd be gasping.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Kind of noise.

That's how M&M started.

That's an accurate evocation of the first time M&M stepped out onto the boards.

Really?

It's amazing.

Hey, listeners, this is Adam.

Hey, this is Joe.

Welcome to the Adam and Joe radio show here on BBC 6 Music on this kind of weird Saturday morning where everything's switching to winter.

Yeah, boy.

Do the clocks even go?

Possibly, but it's all sort of been cooled off today, hasn't it, this morning?

It's a little nip in the air.

Three weeks they go forward, is it?

Really?

No, I don't know.

It's very windy across the British Isles.

Gales in the north.

It's all over.

My elbow's hurting.

Oh dear.

The nasty weather's not agreeing with my elbow.

You want rheumatism?

Yes.

Oh dear.

Do you get that seasonal related aches and pains yet?

Not really.

No.

Wait for it.

It's a tiny little bit of depression in the air though.

Yeah.

You know.

Right, seasonal depression.

Seasonal depression.

It's just a little bump.

It's gonna be Christmas soon, don't worry about it.

Ah, that's true.

It's gonna be Santa time, Santa party time.

We've got all sorts of stuff coming up in the show.

We've got Text the Nation, the nation's favourite feature.

We've got Retro Text the Nation, the nation's second favourite feature.

We've got Future Text the Nation, we've got Medieval Text the Nation, we've got Sci-Fi Text the Nation, and of course we've got Japanese Text the Nation and our new feature

mumble to the nation.

No, that's not true.

Only two of those are real.

It would be ridiculous to fill the show with hundreds of different versions of the same segment.

That would be madness.

The one segment that we thought up two years ago and we've never been able to think up of a different segment.

We did!

We thought up the idea of texting a radio program.

We thought up the idea of calling it texting mission.

That's an idea, isn't it?

Just because many other people have have it.

We'll be going into that area as well of ideas and stolen jokes.

We're going to have an amazing stolen joke face off, so stay tuned for that.

Plus there's a Black Squadron command coming up any moment, but are we going to have a little bit more music first?

A little bit more music, mate.

Do you know what?

Before you heard the song we heard at the top of the show, the intro song, mate.

That was rapping from young MC.

Oh, great.

Yeah, with no how.

Great.

He's an educated rapper from the past.

It's so great to hear a young MC rapping.

Isn't it?

There's so many old MCs.

It's good to let the youngsters through.

It's great.

I feel that about pop music in general.

It's so dominated by the older folk.

Oh, it's true, man.

Why don't they let some young artists come through once in a while?

I'd like to set up some kind of young rapping scheme to get the youngsters involved.

To get the youngsters to get the under 20s rapping, because there's so many

over 60s rapping, it's becoming tedious.

All the geriatric rappers, I'm so sick of them.

Get off the stage.

I'm sick of them, mate.

It's the kids a chance.

I'm so sick of them, they make me so angry.

That doesn't really work.

Why?

An angry Australian accent.

It's oil on water.

Australians don't really get angry.

Some of them do, mate, when they're out in the outback and their sword slips and they cut their fingers.

Their sword slips?

Yeah, they're using their sword for chopping the brush back.

Okay.

With a sword.

With that bit of sword.

Yeah, mate.

That's what it's called.

And when it slips in it, nicks your finger.

That makes you angry.

Try it.

Play the record, I think, maybe.

Yeah, this is wild beasts with all the king's men.

There is an elite listening force known as Black Squadron.

They are trained to rise early on a Saturday morning and listen to the very beginning of the Adam and Jo Show live on Six Music.

They don't just listen when it's convenient later in the week with the iPlayer or the podcast.

They listen now, in the present, without the ability to skip past the bits they don't like.

Black Squadron, we salute you!

Yes, it's time for another one of our brand new, very exciting, innovative Black Squadron photo commands.

Well, the photo command is much better.

I mean, in the olden days, Black Squadron used to be issued just a random command, like hide or something.

We had no evidence really that people had done it.

Exactly.

Analog commands, which were completely atavistic in this digital age.

Yeah.

What was the other one?

Bread in pocket.

bread in pocket.

I mean, I trust Black Squadron that they would have definitely had bread in their pockets.

Yeah, oh, they did.

And in fact, people used to send us photos back then.

Yeah, but not many.

But now it's integral to the command, we're going to give you a kind of a photo theme, Black Squadron, and we'd like you to race to send in a picture along this theme.

And there's no winner, of course, not a competition.

It's not bad.

How do we describe it just to fun, interactive?

A fun, random scrabble, something like that.

Scrabble?

No, that's confusing.

Anyway, we're going to give you a command.

We'd like you to send a photo in of you doing the command.

So get your photo equipment ready.

Let me just tell you before we do that, a bit of Black Squadron news.

Did you know this about the Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez?

In May of this year, he... Oh, I wrote a little rhyme here.

I forgot I wrote the rhyme.

like I can rap but some people think he's wicked some people think he's not but he's a Venezuelan president he's the only one I got

I've put it in brackets, so maybe I should have forgotten about it.

That was good.

Thanks.

Anyway, Hugo Chavez, he's the various world president, I can't say that, and he started to implement a four-part color-coded revolutionary reading plan this year, the goal of which, this is true, listeners, the goal of which is the democratization of books and reading with a new conception of reading as a collective act under the fundamental values and principles of revolutionary socialism.

I'm not making this up.

No, he's a good guy.

He was the guy that Ken Livingston went to try and do a deal for petrol on London Transport, wasn't he?

Yeah.

That was a little bit controversial.

He's a controversial figure.

He's got very polarised political views.

He does, isn't he?

Yeah, it's true.

Anyway, the government in Venezuela is organising and encouraging the formation of state-sponsored book clubs or revolutionary reading squads, which will follow a set list of 100 books the government has drawn up.

In all, there are four phases to the curriculum, initially enticing readers with literature and then progressing through to books.

You must read Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

Read it now.

Everybody must read it.

It's true.

It's very good.

Have you read it?

No.

You should.

What's the one about the dog?

The autistic boy and the dog?

Johnny and Tibbles.

You must read Johnny and Tibbles.

That's a Venezuelan accent.

are you will be shot similar to the very strange very broad bad Nazi here are the actual squadrons that Hugo Chavez is implementing red squadron readers in queue introduced to books that encourage the reader to empathize with humanity before politics

Green Squadron will work on deconstructing the capitalist worldview through reading and discussion of texts about our true symbols.

Orange Squadron focuses on consolidating the reader as an individual and collective subject of the Socialist and Revolutionary Project.

And fourth and finally, Black Squadron, devoted to sharing textual tools for cultural resistance against the ideological cultural attacks of the imperialists.

So, in a way, they're like the key squadron there in Chávez's reading group.

Do you think we could do a link, some kind of a link up?

I was hoping that we might.

Can we get them on the phone?

Surely someone... Or a leader, a black squadron leader.

Because they can get this show in Venezuela, can't they?

If you live in Venezuela...

and you can get in contact with a Black Squadron member, then please email us at AdamandJoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk.

I mean, can you imagine if those people were actually reading their, you know, sharing their textual tools for cultural resistance and listening live to this show?

They would be the ultimate Black Squadron member.

They really would.

I mean, obviously they've got a very particular political doctrine.

And are we suggesting that our Black Squadron share the same views?

Well, they could dovetail, couldn't they?

They could.

I'm sure there's areas where they overlap.

Sure.

I mean, people are people.

Aren't they?

Right?

You could write a song about that.

So anyway, maybe we should issue our command for our Black Squadron.

Yes.

And remember, listeners, if you do text us a or email us a photo, or if you text us a photo, your texts will be charged at your standard message rate.

That's what it says.

But actually, they're sometimes a bit more expensive, aren't they?

Gotta be careful.

Gotta be aware of the charges.

So we're just saying that it's not our fault.

Exactly.

And by the way, after Admiral Cornball's issues the command for Black Squadron, we're going to have a free play.

It's a one-hit wonder by the hombres.

Let it out.

Let it all hang out.

The first of three sixties themed free plays.

Nice.

But first, here is the command.

Stand by Black Squadron.

Cameras and cell phones at the ready.

Here is your command.

Backwards clothes!

What's going on there, Adam?

That guy, he's reversed his clothes and he's... Or she.

Dark picture.

Is that Kevin Spacey's face?

I don't think so.

I don't know whose face that is.

Someone... I mean, this is very effective because it's a jacket and a shirt and tie reversed.

So it really reads, you know, if you just reverse a red jumper.

Yeah.

It maybe doesn't punch through, but this is really happening, isn't it?

That's the lady, you're right.

And the lady on the back of her head, she's put some kind of a mask.

So there's that one.

These are anonymous, because they're by text.

This is from where there was rather an attractive lady.

She's gone away.

And it suddenly made me think, wow, maybe we could be onto some kind of new fashion trend here.

Yeah, backwards clothes.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, in the hip-hop community, sure, they wear their trousers back.

Has she gone?

But has there ever been any significant move in the indie pop community to wear your shirts backwards?

She's attractive as well, but she wasn't the one I was thinking of.

What?

Sorry, mate?

Have people worn their shirts backwards properly?

Chris Cross just did the trousers, didn't they?

Yeah, no one's really done the shirts.

No, that's exciting.

That's the next.

Chris could be on to it.

I mean, fashion's desperate, isn't it?

It's gone all the way back to the 80s and suddenly here's a new door opening.

Yeah.

Into the future.

Future door.

Anyway, keep those photos coming in for the next four minutes because, of course, Black Squadrons stand down at half past nine.

That'd be violating various rules to send them in after then.

Our producer James, just as Neil Young was fading out there, said, could you get into Lady Hawk before the news?

I was thinking that's not quite a short notice to get into like a whole band.

Oh, I see.

You know, she's OK, but I don't know if I can get into her before the news.

Now that sounds dirty, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Listen, here's Magic by Lady Hawk.

Yes, yeah, Lady Hawk on Adam and Jo.

She's not German.

Yeah, but I was.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You were imagining her.

I was German.

She sounds, I mean, they sound exactly like what the other ones from Australia made.

The Empire of the Sun?

Well, it's very fashionable to sound like that.

It's fashionable to sound like that and to dress like a giant ponce.

Talking of dressing like a giant ponce, wouldn't it be amazing if someone from Black Squadron spent the whole day and the back was closed?

Yeah.

Like actually went out tonight, went to the supermarket and if anyone commented, just, you know, said, yeah, you know, it's like super fashionable.

I'd like to see a picture of someone out in the street dressed like that, certainly.

Yeah, that would be brave.

Consider that an incitement.

But now it's time to stand you down, Black Squadron.

Apart from this girl who I've slightly fallen in love with, she can not stand down.

She can come over.

Yeah.

OK, it's time to stand down.

Here's the jingle.

And Black Squadron!

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain

Super Furry Animals.

Sorry Adam.

With Hello Sunshine.

Is that what you were going to say as well?

Yeah, exactly what I was going to say.

Coincidence.

That was taken from their 2003 album Phantom Power.

Hey listeners, this is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Very nice to have you along this Saturday morning.

Now Jo, I can remember going out to dinner with friends and it being quite uncomfortable to have quite a sweet drink.

For instance, if we were having sangria.

to the point where I had to say, that's it, I can't have any more.

The dentist diagnosed really that I did have sensitive teeth.

I felt I hadn't been looking after my teeth properly.

I started using boggins.

There's the whitening version over there.

That's my favourite.

It sits in my bathroom all the time.

It ticks all the boxes really for me, keeps my teeth white.

I'm not sure how it does it, but it seems to work.

Hey, listen, do you mind if I come and make a commercial with you?

It's just I work for Boggins and I'm just going to do it on my camcorder.

Right.

In your actual kitchen or bathroom.

It's going to be very naturalistic and real.

I feel that your honest relationship with the product Boggins, captured in a very honest way, is really going to communicate to consumers.

And other people who have this problem that some people see as trivial, but actually we know is actually a very serious problem.

Well, it was tough for me because I, after a while, I couldn't have any more sangria.

Well, yeah, and you do like to drink heavily.

Love sangria.

Yeah, sort of.

Right.

Okay.

You want to make a commercial?

Well, it's a bit weird for me because I was just confiding in you as a friend about the sensitive tea.

Well, do you know what?

I actually secretly filmed you while you were doing that and we've already cut it together and we are going to put it out on telly.

I mean, it's going to be very real and it's going to be very real.

What?

How do you mean?

It's fine.

Look, all you need to know is the sangria's back on.

I feel totally violated.

You violated my trust, my friendship.

Well, I have some free boggins.

I was trying to talk to you about my sensitive teeth and I was using boggins.

I'm never going to use boggins ever again now.

Okay, we won't use this mess.

Destroyed my relationship with boggins.

Now I'm going to have to play some Death Cab for Cutie to make up for it.

Oh God.

Oh well, you brought it on yourself.

This is Meet Me at the Equinox.

Death Cab for QT with Meet Me at the Equinox.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's time for Retro Text the Nation.

And before we play the jingle, we received an email that I'd like to read out to you.

Dear Blameless Adam and Jo, I am a dedicated podcast listener and possible member of Slack Squadron, although I don't fully understand all the pseudo-squadrons you have lurking about.

I'm also, for this email, the voice of the people.

Y-O-Y is the hypnotically brilliant Retro Text the Nation jingle.

Hang on a second.

Why oh why in the hypnotically brilliant retro-Texanation jingle is it thrown in the trash and forgotten about?

The word grinds on my ears each time I'm forced to sing along with it.

My elder sister and I are such fans that we recently found ourselves unable to sleep in a tent in Texas, singing an Adam and Jo jingle medley, of which I am only a little ashamed.

I always sing bin.

For the love of God, what's wrong with Ben?

If you choose to ignore my pleas and continue with this random Americanism, feel free to discard this email.

But when it disappears forever, it will be in the BIN!

I'm fairly sure Adam has nothing to do with those lyrics, so good work, Count Buckilies, from Clem and her sisters Fleur and Blanche in Delaney Kent.

Well, let's have a listen to the jingle and see what they're talking about and listen out for that random Americanism in there.

I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because rent protects the nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

So that's the canoe?

You know, it never really bothered me before.

You know what?

It actually bothered me when I recorded it.

Why did you do it?

Well, why did I do it?

Why did you do it?

Um... Well, I didn't have time.

I think I did it quite late in the day and rushed into the studio like Holly Hunter in broadcast news to get it on air in time.

Yeah.

And it was always gnawing at the back of my brainium.

And you're a bit of a bimbo like William Hurt in broadcast news.

And so the Americanism was just lodged there in the forefront of your mind and out it popped.

And this especially for Clem.

Was there a part of you that was thinking we should broaden our appeal, we should make the show transatlantic in some way?

No, I was just being, you know, just being lazy.

Right.

So I've made an adjustment for Clem and Fleur and Blanche.

And from henceforth, this following jingle will be our new jingle.

So you guys, you've changed the fabric of the show and therefore the universe.

And space time.

Yeah.

Let's hear it.

I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because retro takes the nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the bin and forgotten about Nicely amended, yeah.

It's better.

What are you gonna do about the fact that it sounds like a cute frustration?

Oh, that's a cute frustration.

I'll deal with that as well.

What would you like?

You say, I used to feel a cute frustration.

So I'd need to lengthen the pause.

I used to feel a cute frustration.

But is that any different?

Acute rather than a cute.

Acute.

Yeah, you're saying a cute.

Look at that cute frustration.

Yeah, but it still sounds like that.

Acute.

That's a cute frustration.

Where'd you get it?

I'll change that as well.

If anyone else would like me to adjust that jingle in any way.

Please contact us and I will do it.

And that's the end of retro-texanation.

No, it's not.

Retro-texanation, just to remind you, if you haven't heard this show before, is, if you hadn't heard the show before, I wouldn't be reminding you though about anything, would I?

So anyway, listen.

It's about, it's a chance for people who listen to this show during the week after the live show to contribute to the Text the Nation subject, which last week was run-ins with Petty Officialdom.

So here are a few of the communications we received during the week.

This one is from, I responded to this one particularly because I'm a fellow cyclist, this is from Alison Linden Parker and she did something which a lot of cyclists do rather northerly, which is jump over a red light and just carry on cycling.

even though she makes the point of... Well, I'll read out her message.

She says, I had a cycling-related encounter with a motorbike policeman who stopped me for jumping a red light on my bike.

I hasten to add that no one was crossing the road, there wasn't even a pedestrian in sight, and the road ahead was clear, so I took an informed decision to cycle off just before the light turned orange.

The man from chips went through the usual spiel.

did I know why he had stopped me, etc., etc.

And eventually, after around six minutes, summarised by saying that I had acted dangerously and endangered lives by ignoring the red light, and asked if I agreed as he pulled out a small notebook.

I did not agree and told him that over and over, and I told him that however much he patronised me, I would never agree as I had made sure the road was clear.

I pointed out that he, however, had nearly caused me to fall off,

and had also parked his motorbike across one lane of the road, causing two lanes of busy traffic to filter into one, endangering all road users.

He was becoming annoyed, so I also mentioned that he was talking to me as if I were a Tarot 18, which is inappropriate because I'm a 38-year-old mother.

At this, he threw his notepad on the floor in rage.

You don't know whether to kiss me or hit me, do you?

I asked.

I don't know whether to kiss me or hit me.

He was so embarrassed.

He told me to get out of here before I throw the book at you.

I looked at his tiny notebook on the road in a puddle, smiled at him and cycled away.

That's from Alison.

Strangely a strangely erotic story.

It went all sexy at the end, isn't it?

It's like the beginning of an erotic story in an adult magazine.

That would, yeah.

She'd be looking at his tiny little something else in that version.

That's good though.

She was very cheeky and it's not, you're not advised to be cheeky to the police.

They hate that.

No, no.

Don't say you don't know whether to kiss me or hit me.

What if you were a man and you sent back to a male cop as well?

She's short-circuited, his tiny copper.

Yeah, you can do that sometimes to cops.

Here's one we got from R.J.

Barker.

Dear Adam and Jo, I went to see the rock band Tool, other rock bands are available, at a huge place in Manchester.

While I awaited the band to start, I'd been enjoying a lolly cherry flavour.

Once the lolly was finished, I kept the stick to chew on, partly so as not to litter, and partly in the mistaken belief I would look cool.

As I was crossing the arena to visit the gentleman's restroom, lolly stick in mouth, I was stopped by a security guard.

You can't smoke in here, he told me.

It's a lolly stick, I replied, while sharing him the offending item.

I don't care what it is, put it out, he said in a stern manner, while pointing a beefy finger at me.

Although there were many clever in which he replies available to me at this point, the security guard was a lot bigger than me and cowardice won out.

I apologized and he watched rather smugly, as I pretended to stub out my lolly stick on the floor.

He was then gracious enough to direct me to a bin and tell me not to be caught doing it again.

I found it very difficult to enjoy the rock band tool afterwards, as I felt.

rebellious rock and roll credentials had been somewhat diminished by the lolly stick incident and my pathetic caving in to the man.

Wow, it's appropriate.

Maybe Tool have their own special security guards appropriate to the name of the band.

That's amazing.

Stop out the lolly stick.

And he actually did.

Okay then.

Okay.

Sorry.

Another one.

Yeah, here we go.

Again, this is a bike bell thing.

A bike-related thing.

This is from Tim in Bath.

I had my details taken by the police after ringing the bell on a parked bike.

I was leaving a message on a friend's answer phone at the time singing a song and I thought the bell would compliment my vocals nicely, so I gave it a quick ring.

A passing patrol car flashed its blue lights.

I panicked and started to run away.

I rounded the corner to find another car waiting for me.

I was busted, like two cars on the bike ringing, the bell ringing thing.

I thought this was a good time for me to finish my answer phone message, so I parted with, sorry, I have to go, I'm being arrested.

I explained what was going on.

I said I was just singing a song.

They seemed to understand, and apparently they thought I might be trying to steal the bike.

On being released, I asked, haven't you got any real criminals to catch?

Nice line.

They've never heard that before, the cops.

It remains the most crass quip I've ever had the embarrassment to come up with.

All this because I rang a bike bell.

Also, I was very drunk.

Thanks for reading.

Keep up the good work, Tim from Bath.

We got quite a lot of emails on this subject from people who had actually broken the law and they got really indignant about being caught.

Well, there's shades of law breaking.

I know this is all about the, you know, powers of enforcement trying to use a little bit of discretion.

Discretion is the key word.

Rather than being condescending and officious.

Sticking to the letter of the law.

Here's a good one from Phil Webb in Acton.

He says, I was on holiday in a ski resort in France when I thought I'd go for a nice relaxing swim.

When I went to the pool in my shorts, the lifeguard shook his head and pointed to a sign that had a picture of a man in shorts with a line through it.

He explained in French that I could only wear speedos in the pool.

When I said that I'd paid and that I didn't have any speedos, he suggested I borrow a pair at the pay-in desk.

Feeling very wound up, I demanded to borrow some permitted swimwear at the reception.

The woman there produced a wet pair of speedos that an eight-year-old would have difficulty squeezing into.

Rather than lose my admission fee, I wrestled my way into them, returned fuming to the pool, with my chuddlies bursting at the seams.

I found the lifeguard, pointed at my crotch, and declared, Vous êtes-contrendes-mentenant, zout à l'homme mon pantelon.

Vous êtes-contrendes-mentenant, zout à l'homme mon pantelon.

That's from Phil Webb in Acton.

It's the new single by Wild Beasts.

That's bad though when you get made to put on clothes in, like when you go to a restaurant and they make you put on a tie or a jacket.

It's the visual image though of the Chudleys.

Certainly.

Bursting out on both sides.

Also the unpleasantness of putting on a wet pair.

And that being enforced by the pool.

That's ridiculous.

Thank you very much indeed for all your messages throughout the week and don't forget that you can contribute in any way, not just for retro textination, by emailing us at adamandjo.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

And there's another textination coming up in like about 13 minutes because it's the only idea we've got.

Here's a free play.

This is yours, Joe.

Is it?

Yeah, this is lovely.

This is John Holt.

Uh, this is some reggae from the sixties or possibly the seventies.

I'll find out while it's playing.

I only know help me make it through the night by John Holt.

Is this a good one?

Obviously, this is a good one.

It's called Ali Baba.

That's Noah and the whale with blue skies.

Um, I wonder if there are no, of course, there nothing to do with, is it Noah Wiley from ER?

Is that the actor's name?

Yeah.

Maybe he's a fan.

He is a band that sounds a bit like my name.

That's how he speaks in real life.

You know, in E.R.

he sounds sexy and together, in real life.

That's how we talk.

Oh, have you seen Noah in the world?

That sounds like my name.

Noah was.

I will buy their album.

So this week, Joe, my son was at breakfast and suddenly he pipes up, hey dad, my maths teacher said he heard you on the radio.

And he said he thought Joe was really, really funny.

Yes.

Nice.

And then my mum, who can see that my feelings are tiny little bit dented there, said, did he say anything about daddy too?

And he says, no.

But then, very sweetly, right, trying to save my feelings, he said, sorry, Dad, no, I'm afraid not, he didn't.

Do you know that's a thing?

Parents always like your friends more than they like you.

Do you get that?

When your friends come to your house, they always seem to take a real shine to the friend because they don't know that the friend's an idiot hole.

They don't know what you know.

I found that a lot when I was a child.

I'd feel inside, well, if you

Like Timmy better than me then have him as a son and I'll leave!

Yeah, maths teacher then.

Similar kind of thing.

I mean, that's no good if the maths teacher is more of a fan of you than he is of me and he's dealing with my son.

Well, your son is a kind of piece of you.

Yeah.

So in a way... Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

Every time he gets something wrong in maths class, he's going to be thinking, typical cornballs would have got that.

Yeah, well, cornballs would have got that.

Cornballs' son would have done that.

Yeah, 398, sir.

Exactly.

44 squared, sir.

He's got all the answers.

Here's a message we got from Sarah and Maisie as well.

This says...

Sarah and Maisie, is that right?

Hi Adam and Joe.

My three-year-old Maisie, okay, there we go.

My three-year-old Maisie asked for some tele-time recently and requested the funny film with the piano, which is Laurel and Hardy's The Music Box.

Oh, she meant the piano.

A family favourite.

No, not the piano.

Kids love that film.

The music started and Laurel and Hardy's faces filled the screen and Maisie excitedly shouted, it's Adam and Joe!

Well, that's not particularly flattering to either of us.

She says, I hope you take this as a compliment.

How would that be a compliment?

Well, they're very funny and very famous.

That's true.

They are comedy geniuses, but we're clearly not comedy geniuses.

So all we can assume is that we look a bit like Laurel and Hardy.

Yeah, one of us is short and one of us is tall.

Yeah.

You're in no way large, though.

Wow.

Lardy.

Not at all.

A little stocky.

Not anymore.

You've lost it all now.

It's true.

I'm trying to be flattering.

Thanks, man.

At least for the last 10 years, I'd say.

Yeah.

You've been very, uh, trim and svelte.

Thanks very much.

Yeah.

So what about you?

How are you dealing with being like the long, thin guy?

Ah, all right.

All right.

How old is this person?

Three.

I'm not going to get angry.

Are you not?

Yeah.

When she's a bit old, I was absolutely furious.

I went around and shouted in her face.

What do you mean?

Look at me!

Am I like a huge fat man?

No I'm not!

I've got a beard!

Does he ever have a beard?

No, he didn't!

Get away from my son!

So why did you keep your opinions to yourself?

Call the police, Jeffery.

If that is your name.

Get out!

So what happened?

Yeah, her mum was crying, the cops turned up.

You were wrestled out for hitting a toddler.

I went to prison for three days.

I didn't hit the toddler.

Didn't you though?

Well you claim it was accidental.

Well the cops restrained me before I could get to her.

I mean, it was a scene of carnage.

So I'm just saying, listeners, careful, all right?

Just be careful what you compare us to.

Otherwise that could happen.

Here's Pulp.

Stupid trees.

That's Pulp.

Excuse me, I have a little bit of a bit of phlegm in my throat there.

A little bit of boggins up there.

A little bit of boggins in the noggins.

That was taken from their 2001 album We Love Life.

Was that even their last album, I think?

That's the one that absolutely sucked their will to live.

Was that 2001?

Anyway, so many questions.

So many questions.

It reached number 23 in the UK singles charts.

Did you get your precious photos?

Listen, we have a segment on this show called Made Up Jokes where we get listeners to send in jokes that have to be authored by themselves.

That's the whole point.

It's not a lame joke.

Some people think, oh, I've got a joke for your lame joke section.

It's not about lame jokes.

You've got to have made it up.

It's about made up jokes.

It's so subtle.

It's been tricky for us to impose that criteria because how do you tell who has authored a joke?

How can you prove that, you know, a particular person has actually thought of it first?

I mean, just to underline the fact that these are made-up jokes, let's have the jingle.

Think about it.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party

You see, they're funny jokes, right?

Hey, don't use your gavel yet, Judge Reinhold.

So listen, we had a joke in from a chap called James Hewitt, and it went, how did it go?

I think it was something like, how much did they play?

How much did they charge to play sports at Hogwarts?

The answer was a quidditch.

So, okay, so that all happened, and we read it out on the show, and life continued.

But then we were made aware of a popular young comedian, who you may well know, Josie Long, appears on Telly Wins Awards, very funny woman, and on the Twitter website, she was complaining that that was her joke.

Not only that,

that it was the sort of basis for five minutes of her current stand-up set.

And by broadcasting this Quidditch joke on the show, we had pulled the rug out from under her stand-up.

But, in fact, we can hear this from the horse's mouth, so to speak, because Josie's on the line.

Hello, Josie.

Hello, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

Thanks for joining us.

This is quite a serious part of the show because obviously some quite troubling accusations have been made by you.

People get very upset about joke theft.

I mean, people like Stuart Lee, they do whole routines about joke theft.

It's a big scandalous thing in the world of comedy.

But Josie, tell us how this happened, how this joke has affected you and your life.

Well, I write that joke about

about a year and a bit ago and I recently I've just started really enjoying mucking around with it like I would do that bit of a joke and then I would sort of do this really prolonged routine about how they do a register about who's paid the pound and who's not paid the pound and how basically that's the entire book and I really enjoyed doing it and I appreciate that

I think it's probably sort of a, it's a pun and, you know, anyone can reach a pun and all that, but I don't know.

But listen, is it not true now that when you tell that joke, what happens when you, what happens when you tell that joke now?

You see, last Saturday my friend texted me because I was out and he's like, your joke is on Adam and Jo.

And I was like, oh, I love Adam and Jo.

And then he's like, no, someone is texting in and saying your joke is theirs.

And I was like, what?

And then that night I had a gig.

And I did the joke just thinking well I'll see you know but and then people shouted out Adam and Jo and I was like no it's mine someone nicked it off me and then they looked at me like you vile pedant.

They've never since.

I can't do it.

And it's not that in my head it's different, it's that when I try and do it, it doesn't work anymore.

So we're going to take this to the joke court.

Adam's going to preside now.

But what are we saying here?

Are we saying that James Hewitt stole the joke from Josie?

Well, that's what you're accusing him of, right?

Josie, what's your accusation here?

Oh, although I'm willing to admit that we both could have come up with the joke.

No, that's impossible.

That's impossible.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm sorry, I'd like to put forward as evidence.

The fact that I've heard that this man is from Australia and I have done the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in March this year, where at the Hi-Fi Club, on two occasions... This is good.

Get angry, come on.

On two occasions you did the joke at the Hi-Fi club in Melbourne, Australia.

Mate, were you at the Hi-Fi last night?

Oh, mate, there was an amazing Hogwarts joke there.

I'm going to steal it from my own pleasure and then later I'll ring in an English radio station and that'll get my revenge.

I'm going to phone in 19 different countries and get respect from lots of different lazy early morning Saturday shows around the world.

Hewlett, you mad, man.

But this is the thing Josie, we're going to have Hewitt on.

Sometime after 11 we're going to get Hewitt on.

You're going somewhere at 10.30 right?

And he's umpiring a cricket match.

So we couldn't get you both on air at once.

So listen, we would like now Josie to record like a 10 second statement to you from you to James that we're going to play back to him later in the show.

Are you ready for that?

Do not please do not swear.

I know the depth of feeling we're dealing with here, but try not to swear.

Your 10 second statement to James starts now.

Right, Hewitt, listen to me.

I know you stole the joke.

It's my bloody joke.

It come out of my imagination.

You want to write a joke?

You write a joke about your cricket umpiring.

Alright, that's it.

Time up, sorry.

Time up, please.

Stand down.

Calm down.

Security!

She's gone insane.

She's lost it.

That's Judge Ryan Holds Scavill there.

So we're going to play that back and we're going to get to the bottom of this.

But just to finish this off, Josie, can you try and tell us and describe the precise moment that you invented this joke?

Do you have any witnesses or circumstantial evidence?

Well, I just heard the word quid each and I thought it sounded a bit like the words quid and each.

And then I thought really long and hard about how I could make it so that it worked.

And then I thought of all the silly stuff about them taking a register.

When was this?

We can have a good old laugh here.

How long ago was this Josie?

It was last July.

Last?

I have no proof though.

And also, you know, I'm not claiming to be the greatest comedian in the world, but all I want is, you know, it's my fun joke that I enjoy performing and now I can't do it anymore.

I'm really sorry.

Josie, it's a tragic story and we're going to do our best to get to the bottom of it.

My friend texted me and went, oh, was it the really funny one about opal fruits?

And I was like, no.

Well, listen, we're going to get to the bottom of this, Josie, and we'll let you know what happens.

But thank you very much for talking to us.

You're very kind.

I hope you have a nice festive show.

Hey, thanks a lot.

And you know, you're so brilliant.

One joke out of your set.

That's not going to make you replace it with an even stronger one.

You'll bounce back.

Yeah.

That's the lovely and brilliant Josie Long listeners.

And we'll be playing that clip to James a bit later and getting to the bottom of this.

And somebody will be physically punished.

There will be blood.

My money's on James.

Here's Monsters of Folk with Say Please.

Monsters of Folk with Say Please.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Sorry, mate.

That's all right, mate.

Adam was just in the little boy's room.

He's in the dunny.

What were you doing in there, mate?

I was looking at myself in the mirror, mate.

Every day off he goes in the middle of dinner or lunch He stands up and off he tiptoes up the stairs into a little room.

What does he do in there?

What are you talking about, mate?

Every now and then I follow him and put my ear to the door and I hear a tingling of water What is he doing in there in a little room that he tiptoes into every 10 minutes every day?

What does he do?

A splish splash, I hear the sounds of tingling.

What is he doing in there?

Oh, I see.

Bit of both, mate.

Front and back.

What?

Dear me.

Listen, we got an email, listeners, from somebody called...

David Glover and he says hi Adam and Joe I was in Tesco this evening other supermarkets are available and as I was walking past the demo TVs which were running a Tesco promo on a loop I noticed that the music seemed rather familiar I recorded it with my phone have a listen

Yeah.

What?

That's the Text the Nation jingle, isn't it?

Well, certainly part of it.

What's going on there, Adam?

I mean, you must have... I thought the Text the Nation jingle was an original composition that you slaved long and hard to compose.

So did I. Is someone copying you there, mate?

No, what's happening there, mate?

Is they're using the same bit of softy...softy wear that I used.

Garageband.

And that's, like, pretty much the first loop you come across in Garageband.

It's called 80s synth.

So it's basically the sign of a very, very lazy composer.

Totally lazy composer.

And not only that, but he's strung together all the other loops that come in that little block.

Just one after the other.

At least I varied mine a tiny bit.

Not very much, though.

Shall we hear our watch?

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

I mean, there's even less to mine than that.

Yeah, but you got there first.

I feel very insulted always that, you know, when people are just not aware, like wasn't anyone in Tesco's at that meeting saying, Hey, this is like the text the nation jingle on Adam and Joe's show.

I mean, obviously I'm implying that everyone listens to this program, which is not the case, but one person in the whole of the Tesco organization.

Nah.

That's a shame.

It's an absolute shame.

It's a disgrace, but thanks for sending us that, David.

If you can spot the, uh... Ooh.

A little bit of a cough there.

If you can spot the Texanation jingle anywhere else, give it to yourself.

I had a bit of a hot chocolate there, listeners, and it's done something to my throat.

It's gone all gunky in there.

Has it?

Yeah, it's not a proper hot chocolate.

Do you ever get that when you drink some types of drinks, like some fizzy pop, and they just coagulate all the stuff going on in your throat in an unpleasant way?

No.

Never happens to you?

No.

Listen, we're going to have another record, then we'll come back and do Text the Nation, so stand by your texting machines.

Here is, what's this?

Oh, this is a free choice.

Now, I'm DJing tonight listeners at a club called the 13th Floor, which is run by the brilliant comedy writer Dan Mayer.

He writes for Harry Hill's TV Burp, and he organises this kind of 60s, psychedelia, soul and pop club at the Albany Pub.

It's downstairs at the Albany.

240 Great Portland Street and I'm going to be doing a couple of short DJ sets there.

The night starts at 9pm and it would be great to see you.

So pop down, but that's why I'm theming my free plays this week as little 60s nuggets.

I don't know if I'll play this one because it's a little bit slow, but I really love this song by Funny Papa Smith.

It's Hungry Wolf.

Probably not from the 60s though, is it?

Did you find out when it was from?

Well, no, because you type these things into a search engine and actually the internet's not that great for easily finding music details.

You get taken to a load of annoying spurious sites.

That's usually a discography for each artist on Wikipedia.

Yeah, nothing further.

Nothing for him.

Well, I'm sure one of our listeners will tell us.

We were just a little bit worried after the long and ambitious spiel about the theme free plays, a track possibly from the fifties kicked in.

Or even earlier.

But there we go.

It's time for the Text the Nation Now listeners.

What if I don't want you?

Text the nation But I'm using email He's not a part, but he doesn't matter, text!

There was a collaborative effort there on a Texternation jingle.

Lee Henman was the man that provided me with the backing track there.

And don't forget if you would like to do alternate backing tracks for any of our jingles that we can then retool and have.

Yeah, there's one coming up next week.

I got one during the week, a kind of Brazilian version of the Retro Texternation.

The guy did a music bed and he managed to figure out the BPM precisely.

And he said, look, slot this in.

It'll slot into the retro Tex the Nation vocal.

And it did perfectly like a glove.

It was amazing.

We'll be playing that next week.

So Tex the Nation this week, listeners, is inspired by a trip to the Westfield Shopping Center that I undertook earlier in the week.

Have you been there yet, Jove?

No.

It's around Shepherd's Bush.

You know what I'm talking about, though, right?

Yeah, I do.

It's a colossal

capitalist cathedral that they have erected there.

I mean it's pretty overwhelming.

I mean it is huge and cavernous and you get the feeling.

It's all chain stores though, isn't it?

Is it?

No, not all of them.

Has it got any unique special little shops with character?

I'm assuming it's just like a massive high street, you know what I mean?

Or a shop that

I can't see the point in going when all those shops have all the same things in them and there's one in every high street in the culture.

Well, it's all under one roof, innit?

It's homogenised.

It's all under one roof.

Written homogenised high street.

So you can wander around the cathedral and there's little play areas for children.

Ah, that's useful for parents.

And, you know, you can have gigs there and bands and PAs and all sorts of things.

And there's all the kind of shops that you might want to go to all under one giant roof.

Right.

That's the theory of why it's good.

And you can easily spend... You've got free Wi-Fi there.

You can be pro it.

I'm going to take an opposing view.

I think it's a big old crap shack.

I mean, the strange thing about it is that it's so glossy and expensive looking.

I hate it.

You think, how long can they maintain this, especially in the current harsh... I think it's pernicious.

...climate.

I'm not sure what pernicious means, but I think it's pernicious.

Do you?

But now you see, I'm being a little skeptical about it, so you have to back down from... I'm starting to like it.

Play areas, you say?

Free, sweet samples.

A gig's by bands.

Yes.

Anyway, I went into one of the many clothes shops they have there.

Am I allowed to say the name?

I mean, I'm describing the shop specifically.

Other shops are available.

Other clothes shops are available.

It's called Hollister, and I believe it's part of the Abercrombie & Fitch chain.

And that was the work of a man called Mike Jeffries, right?

He, I think, is the genius behind Epichrombium Fitch and Hollister.

And he's created an elaborate fictional story, right, to give meaning and feeling to the image of the Hollister concept.

I don't know this store.

What does it sell?

Clothes?

It's clothes, right?

Well, let me tell you first of all that Hollister, it's called Hollister California and the shop itself, which is inside the mall, is supposed to resemble a beach shack or surf shop, right?

It's got shuttered windows.

So it's like a house within a house type thing.

And there's light and dark brown walls and teal boardwalks on the exterior.

So you're going up someone's porch, right?

And there's a couple of seats sat out on the porch there.

Are there people in the seats?

No, you can sit in the seats if you want to.

Really?

Yeah.

And so it's like being in a real place where someone lives in the center of the store.

There's a lounge area.

with chairs on which blankets are folded.

And there's dozens of bits of surf or general popular culture magazines piled up beside them, along with potted palm trees, right?

The stores interior, and there's several of these stores.

I think there's three in the UK.

They're very dimly lit with spotlights above the merchandise, right?

So the whole place is quite... It's a shame of being a shop.

It wants to be a living space, a house.

Right.

Wants to fool you into thinking you're in someone's house.

It's not just a house, but a kind of spookily, moodily lit house.

The whole shop is divided into two sides.

There's a dudes section for boys, and the other section is the Bettys section for girls.

That's what they call them in California, in surfing circles.

There is room spray, scented.

Room spray, similar to the SoCal cologne, that's their brand that they sell there, sprayed directly onto the clothes and the mannequins.

The store is scented every 60 minutes and is mandated, which is mandated by corporate policy.

Yes.

Right?

Woe betaiju if you do not scented the mannequins every 60 minutes.

Imagine the plunge in sales.

It's heavily air-conditioned in there, right?

You go in and it's really cold.

Hence having to resent every 60 minutes.

Like it's really... I mean, they must be just tortured.

It's not cold in California though.

Oh, I guess it's air conned.

It's super air conned.

Yeah.

The staff are all aged between about 20 and 25.

Good.

I hate the over 25s.

So do I.

They're ugly and they're basically dying.

And the good news is that they are much more attractive than any of the customers that they could possibly get in there.

Like, clearly there has been a store policy.

Well, Abercrombie and Fitch got in trouble, in legal trouble, didn't they, for refusing to... No, they had a slightly disabled woman, I think, with a... No, we can't talk about this.

It's because it's a legal thing, Castle Rules, but they were in trouble.

for being selective with who they hired on the physical grounds, allegedly?

Well, it looks as if, and obviously I've got no clue if they've got an actual hiring policy at Hollister, but it certainly looks as if they've got something similar there because everyone is extremely sexy and there's extremely loud music playing and it's just an insane act

So listen, I'm going to have to jump in here.

Well, you have to hold that thought list because we have to do the news.

We're past the news.

So we'll bring this round to the thing we want you to text in about any second until then.

Here's the news.

That was the go team with Lady Flash just laughing because we got an email from someone informing me that the funny Papa Smith record that I played earlier on boasting about the fact that I'm doing a 60s DJ set tonight and this was the kind of thing I was going to be playing was from 1931.

So.

According to Christina and Swindon's dad.

Yeah, we're not even sure that that's true.

We don't this isn't a show about facts No, it's purely but it's a fit.

This is this is a fictional program.

Yes, right.

It's filed in the fiction section So when I said it was from the 60s, we've got a little jingle that I know we haven't got it.

Oh, here we go That was a species

That's our specious fact jingle.

Yeah, it might be useful to have that standing by, you know, more often.

Now we were, we were, we sort of timed it badly just before the news, but we got into text the nation and I was talking about the fact that I went to the Westfield Shopping Center in West London.

Amazing palace of consumerism.

And there was a shop in there called Hollister, which is basically designed to look like a kind of Californian surf shack.

You go inside and it's very dark.

very dimly lit, extremely cold, air conditioned to the max.

And the place is perfumed and scented every 60 minutes.

They spray the mannequins and all the clothes with this special perfume.

The staff are uncommonly attractive, like weirdly good looking.

to the extent that you assume there must be some kind of hiring policy.

Obviously, I wouldn't like to speculate.

I'm sure that that might be a complicated legal issue.

So what we're going to ask you listeners is for ideas for your crazy retail ideas, right?

Shops these days, they're a shame to be shops.

People don't like just like goods on shelves.

No.

No, that's too boring and prosaic.

We need a retail experience.

We need an environment that transports you, goods that aren't just goods that are kind of defined in some kind of freaky context.

We'd like your ideas for new retail experience concepts, the most idiotic shopping concept you can think of.

Yeah.

And I bet you that, you know, it'll be out there somewhere.

Because basically it comes down a lot of the time to just like selling socks and T-shirts, right?

And they're not particularly special.

They're just like orange t-shirts with a little bit of rioting on.

So you've got to jazz your shop up and make it as loony as possible for people to go in there and think, wow, I'm part of a sexy shopping experience.

I've definitely got to have that orange t-shirt with the writing on.

You know what would make me buy stuff?

What?

Is because I like this idea of only very sexy staff, 125.

What if they hit on you?

Because in shops, they come up and say, have you found what you're looking for, sir?

Yeah.

Everything OK, sir?

So why not just make that a bit more flirty?

I was thinking the same thing.

Hey, hey, good looking.

Hey, hey, have I seen you somewhere before?

My prozzies.

What are you doing here?

You smell good, baby.

I was thinking, yeah, I like it.

Like this.

Bad, bad.

What are you doing?

Because they're clearly a bit thick and that to me is sexy, you know, because it's easier with thick people.

They're the thick person.

You can confuse them.

So they're thick and they're really good looking and they make a pass at you and

Yeah, I mean you could go the whole way with that.

Well, I was thinking I was thinking That at the checkout counter so once you've actually bought something Once the deal is sealed and the card has gone through and you've entered your pin etc You get a long kiss from the person behind the check really what sort of a kiss like tongues and everything really sure How would that work?

How'd you mean?

Well, it's from the staff's point of view.

I'm getting deja vu here.

Haven't we had this discussion before?

about how you hygienically arranged for random strangers to repeatedly see something we're preoccupied with.

I don't know, there's some mouth spray or something.

As you go into the shop, you have to agree to have your mouth de-sanitized, or sanitized, not de-sanitized.

So then the staff get shots at the end of every day and there's a doctor standing by.

It's all fine, it's all doable.

And what does this shop sell?

T-shirts like orange t-shirts with writing on.

Orange t-shirts with writing on.

The text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

We've started this text donation quite late.

Look, it's 10.45.

We've only got an hour and 15 minutes to do this.

So please get your ideas in as quickly as possible.

64046 adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Here's The Doors with Love Her Madly.

That's The Doors.

with Love Her Madly.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

If there was a film about the doors, say someone made a film about the doors, and they wanted to capture the moment when they came up with one of their famous riffs.

Like the riff from Light My Fire.

Yeah, would that be a good scene?

How would that scene go, I wonder?

Well, because of time constraints, you'd have to speed the whole creative process up a little bit.

So you could get the Ray Manzarek character to play some kind of experimental riff, and then, like, the next time he could play the actual riff.

Right, so he thinks of it really quickly.

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be good.

Someone should do that.

That'd be a very good dramatic scene.

Now, I was on the train earlier this week.

It was one evening and it was 8 p.m.

I was getting on the train from Liverpool Street.

I was very tired, been working all day in the mine and it's exhausting work down there in the mines.

And so I was looking forward to a nice little snooze and I went on the quiet carriage.

Do you like the quiet carriage?

I love the quiet carriage.

No mobile phone use.

No.

and no audio equipment.

What they're trying to avoid, obviously, is lunatics on phones having very loud conversations, and they're trying to avoid people with rubbish headphones turned up way too loud.

That was a terrible little beatboxing bit of stuff there, wasn't it?

That was awful.

So you've got the lovely quiet carriage, the oasis of calm that is the quiet carriage, and you've got all the stickers up, right, like on every single window with shh, cartoons, right, people going shh.

So if you don't speak the language, you can understand that this is a place to be quiet.

You have to shh.

And then there's announcements as well, just to underline the fact further.

Just before you leave the station, welcome on board the train.

And every time you stop at a station, quiet carriages are A and B, and they've been designated quiet zones.

Please refrain from using your mobile phone and using audio equipment in these carriages.

Thank you very much.

So there's absolutely no excuse for not knowing the quiet carriage rules.

And I got on this train last week that was not full in any way.

So it wasn't as if, like, people had to sit in the quiet carriage.

But these three guys, right, get on the quiet carriage, and about five minutes after we pull out of the station, more or less simultaneously, their phones go off.

And they take the calls one after the other.

So there's a Danny Dyer type city spiff, you know, Danny Dyer in Outlaw.

I do know Danny Dyer in Outlaw.

And he takes the call up, bruv.

Yeah, bruv.

What you doing?

Yeah, I'm on the train, bruv.

Yeah, just left the station, bruv.

Yeah, I should be an hour or something.

Nah, nah, nah, bruv.

Nah, I'm knackered, mate.

Oh, mate.

Mate, that's me.

I can't, bruv.

Yeah, bruv.

That's my mate, Gary.

Were you on the other end of the line?

Yeah, that was me.

That was your bruv.

Yeah, my bruv.

So there was bruv talking, right?

And then there was another guy in a sort of hoodie, and he was having a sort of mumble chat.

He was having his little chat, not too offensively loud.

And then there's a third chap who's talking about DJing, and he's talking so loudly in such a booming voice that it's like a joke, right?

Yeah, yeah.

He had one of those laughs.

Yeah, right.

Gee, the new single is wicked.

Her voice on that is amazing, right?

Yeah, yeah, we played it last week.

People went mad, right?

Everyone's looking around the carriage because they're thinking, have we gone insane?

This is the quiet carriage.

And not only is this guy brazenly taking a call in the quiet carriage, having been requested not to do so by all the stickers and like the train guy, but he's doing it at a ludicrous volume.

like as if he's on stage or something.

So this goes on for a while.

Everyone's looking around.

No one's really saying anything.

And my heart's racing with indignation.

With excitement at the possible looming confrontation.

Yeah.

And I'm sitting there thinking, someone's got to say something because I was looking at it's going to be me.

I was looking forward to my knuckles.

And now there's three people having conversations, indirect flautation of the rules.

I've got to do it!

So I poke my head above the parapet, and above the seats, right?

And I just shout out, Oi mate, quiet carriage!

Nice, nice, nice.

Who can argue with that?

Right.

Simple, non-confrontational statement of fact.

Statement of fact.

What's the response?

Response from a loud DJ guy is to halt his conversation temporarily, look over at me and go, are you just talking to me?

And?

Fair point.

There are three of them who you do.

I wasn't singling him out.

I said, no, no, I'm talking to all you guys.

You guys.

Hey, you guys.

Yeah, I'm rapping across my words, across the scenes to you guys.

Guys, guys, guys.

Guys, quiet carriage, guys, hey, ixnay on mobile phone nay, ixnay, guys.

What's that?

I don't know, it's ixnay.

Have you ever heard of that?

It's Greek.

Yeah, exactly.

Kids want to talk Greek.

Ancient Greek.

Oh, he talks ancient Greek.

But here's the thing.

I got a total 100% success rate on my Interferon.

They all concluded their conversations.

There was absolute silence in the quiet carriage.

It was beautiful.

And I could feel everyone else in the quiet carriage, right?

I could hear their thoughts.

Who's that guy?

Who's the beardy guy?

He's amazing.

He didn't care.

He just stuck his head above the parapet.

He wasn't afraid.

to make his thoughts felt.

He wasn't afraid about Danny Dyer getting back in his grill or anything like that.

He just said what he thought and he got a total result.

I love him.

He's amazing.

So I felt brilliant for about an hour, right?

And then at Ipswich, the DJ gets another call.

He takes it.

It's right back to square one in a really loud voice.

Do you say something?

No.

No, you quit while you're ahead quit while I was ahead and then to add insult to injury he strikes up a conversation with one of the other previous offenders with the mumbling guy and Starts talking about DJing to him talking.

They're talking that they're talking and of course, there's no rules against against talking But he was talking very loud talking loudly and he kept on looking over at me like yeah Yeah, you're gonna do something about this interfere on I'm talking.

What are you gonna do about it?

I did nothing.

But I was fantasising right the way to my destination about filming him on my camera and doing a link.

I thought, would it be funny to get him to do a link?

To say, hi, yeah, I'm the guy that was talking really, really loudly in the quiet carriage.

You're listening to Adam and Jo.

Yeah, it would.

Where is it?

Have you got it?

Well, no, because I was worried I'd get punched in the solar plexus.

What would you think, though?

If that happens again, should I do it?

Well, I think you might be glorifying him, and he might think that that was sort of, you know, approbation.

Is that a word?

It is.

But then the listeners would know better.

They would, wouldn't they?

So that would be a victory for the listeners.

He might not understand the irony.

I'll be condoning it.

Well done for standing up.

I mean, you're a kind of a hero.

In a way, you're a kind of a national hero.

It seems to me you deserve a day, a commemorative day and a gold statue.

But then the rest of the people in the carriage would have been thinking, what's happened to, what's happened to Hercules?

He stood up once for our rights, but... He's a fair weather hero.

Fair weather hero.

Now you've got a free play right now, Joe.

Yeah, this is by the Kinks.

This features on the Rushmore soundtrack that I was listening to the other day.

This is from their 1965 album, Kinda Kinks.

It's called Nothing in the World Can Stop Me Worrying About That Girl.

It's quite tough to do, isn't it?

Devandra Obi Banhart is an American singer-songwriter.

His first name is a synonym for the Hindu god of rain and thunder, Indra.

His middle name is Obi after the Star Wars character, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Apparently.

Baby, which you just heard listeners, is out on the 19th of October.

It's taken from his album What Will Be Will Be, which apparently is very, very good.

It's out on the 26th of October.

How old is he then?

He's young.

I mean, he's in his mid-20s or something.

Mid-20s, 77, 87, 97, 2007.

He's a sexy man.

Work if he's named after Obi-Wan Kenobi?

That means his father must have been at least 15 when Star Wars came out in 77... 77... 879... 707... 2007... 809... 32... Yeah, what was that?

There you go.

Shall we get back into textination?

Here's the jingle jingle.

Textination!

Text!

Textination!

What if I don't want to?

Textination!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Text the Nation this week's all about absurd ideas to make crazy retail shopping experiences, like how you would make and design a high-concept shop that is more than just a shop, it's kind of a lifestyle zone.

Here's another thing that I forgot to mention about this actual shop, Hollister.

This is something that they don't do anymore, but when they first started, they had animals in the shop as like a sort of feature, as if it was someone's house and the animals had just wandered in.

Pets.

They had little pets.

and they had a cat right they had a cat there it was called moon um and they had a macaw you know like a parrot and he was called something like fletch or something that was a focus group names probably but they were stopped from doing it oh yeah the macaw was called riley a green wing macaw and it was a main kun cat apparently called fletcher

And animal rights activists successfully protested the inappropriate use of live animals as store decor.

And the animals were no longer used in those shops after November 2000.

The other thing, though, that one of the things that the animal rights people said was that it was unfair to the animals because the music in the shops was so loud.

And this is another thing is it's store policy in a lot of these shops to have unbelievably loud music.

You know what I mean?

And if you break your mind out, yeah, infuse you.

If people complain about... To stop you thinking.

That's right.

So they overwhelm me.

The whole point of Text the Nation is to think of techniques that can be used to overwhelm the senses in order to... Well, no, you can't suddenly say that.

Why not?

Because that's not what we said before.

No, it is.

It's to make... Yeah, to confuse people.

Yeah, to lull them into a false sense of... Yeah, but groovy things.

What were we saying?

Uh, just like crazy, mad ideas for shops to enhance your shopping experience.

Yeah, but let's read some.

Here's one from Joe in Essex.

His suggestion is a new extreme supermarket which involves you hunting and killing your meat.

Market it as the new eat or be eaten range, a new exciting food shopping experience.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

So you have the livestock wandering around in the supermarket.

Yeah, or a sort of wild area, and you're given some weaponry, and they're quite dangerous but delicious animals.

I was thinking about dangerous animals.

I thought that might be nice.

In the clothes shop, right?

You have very poisonous spiders lurking in some of the cabinets.

Yes.

That's already a nice idea.

So you might get bitten.

So you're a bit wired.

Look at that t-shirt, mate.

I really want that t-shirt, but there might be a spider in there.

And it makes you even cooler for owning the t-shirt.

Exactly.

Because people know you've braved the spikes.

Whoa!

You got the black t-shirt with the writing that looks as if it was written ages ago, but actually it was written last week.

You know, that could be a time with I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

And in order to get your product, you have to reach into a weird hole, and you don't know what's inside there.

That's really good.

You could triple the actual manufacturing cost.

Exactly.

And then you have someone standing by with an antidote if you get bitten.

Oh, not people could die.

I mean, that would make the papers.

Certainly it would.

Very good publicity.

Here's one from Tom from the Wolds.

I want to open a shop.

I want to open a shop that sells tropical fish and underwater cameras.

To gain entry to the shop, you must enter via a complex valve system akin to a canal boat lock as the shop is underwater.

Nice.

You must pay with waterproof Australian dollars.

The shop is called WET.

That's very good.

Here's one from Andy Kay from Pool.

I want a garden centre to actually be a garden.

You walk into home base, enter a lift, go to the garden area.

It's got grass on the floor, fairies flying around, a maze on the left and a fountain on the right.

You know fairies don't exist.

No, but truth is not part of the equation here.

Reality is not part of the equation.

Yeah.

If a big retail giant wants fairies, they'll have fairies.

Aren't some garden centres like that, like big gardens?

uh yeah but they don't have grass oh and you can't because that's a good idea to combine a sort of park with a garden center sure so these just become places public spaces where everything is for sale you know the guy was talking about wet in wet they have uh water right yes in that shop yeah under water um i was thinking weightless what about a weightless that's a good idea and being very expensive again you go through an air lock

and you're weightless in the shop.

The products are floating around.

Look at those t-shirts floating around there with the writing on that looks as if it was done weeks ago.

Here's one from Gil or Jill.

Not sure what to do with the G there.

You could have a shop where you connect with the product dot dot dot by making it.

It's a communal craft experience.

I think that's a brilliant idea.

So those production lines in Asia where they make electronics you just go in there and you sit on the production line Mm-hmm, and you help manufacture say 240 flat screens And then you pay a grand and take one home.

That's a nice idea people would do that I bet you they would do that I bet you you're right kids would love it.

I bet you then it's simple All you have to do is one little soldier on one little chip.

Yeah for an hour.

It's a bit brush brush.

These are really good ideas

You know, because if you erected, like you get your flat pack from your IKEA-style shop, right?

If you're actually part of a production line, putting those things together, everyone wins, right?

Everybody wins.

They save on the manufacturing costs.

Yeah.

One last one that's not so good from Ian in Cambria.

Exciting.

My mate's idea for a unique shopping experience was to sell everything in brine.

This means every item, not just things that might be traditionally sold in brine.

Clearly a unique selling point, but even better would be the special item, tuna in brine, in brine.

So keep those coming in the text number 64046, the email adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

Here is James Brown with Make It Funky.

JB, you know, that's not one of my favourite James Brown songs.

It's called Make It Funky, but then after his count in at the top.

One, two, three, make it.

The horns don't sound that funky.

Yeah, they're laid back.

That's the point.

They're not making an effort.

They're too laid back.

I like it, man.

You can't

And so this probably makes you a Parker or someone, or Fred Wesley.

He needs to pep it up a little.

You're cussing the wezels.

I was the band leader.

I'd say, hey, hey, hey, come on chaps.

Now that wasn't funky.

Make it a bit more punchy.

And they go, who is that cat?

Who is that idiot?

Hey, wait a second.

Isn't that the guy who shouted out in the quiet carriage?

You had the fat one from Laura Hardy.

Come on, guys.

That's the little fat one from Laura Hardy.

Hey, that's the fat guy from Laura Hardy.

So listen, what now?

Oh yeah, if you're a regular listener you might remember that we have a sort of a competition going and we can call it a competition because it is a competition, it's actually been sanctioned by the castle, it's all official and the prize is, if it could be described as a prize, to join us on stage at the Electric Proms and to perform a Song Wars tune.

We've put two Song Wars tunes on our website

BBC.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Jo.

They're instrumental versions, karaoke versions.

They've got the lyrics up there with a little bouncing ball over the lyrics for you to sing along.

We're asking you to make a video of yourself performing the song.

It doesn't have to be like a pop video, just a straightforward kind of, you know, photo booth style thing.

rain yeah that kind of thing miming the song then you send us and you upload it to one of them sites where you upload videos you send us the link we look at them and the least insane performance possibly the most insane performance

will be chosen and you'll get to join us on stage.

You have my Quantum of Solace song or Adam's Nutty Room song to choose from.

Last week we announced that we had had no entries, none, not a single one.

This kind of desperate void motivated some of our listeners to submit some videos.

We now have 12 entries.

How many Quantum of Solace?

Three?

three quantum of solace is only three nine nutty room version so quantum of solace under represented well it's it's a lot longer though isn't it quantum of solace and nutty room is fairly short so that's one thing but listen you don't have to worry about knowing the lyrics we're going to have a big video screen on the day with the with the lyrics up there so it's a very low key you don't need to be anxious Dame Jude did dentures

curious with him.

44 pairs of tickets.

Yeah, 44 pairs of tickets to give away.

The show is taking place on the 22nd of October.

That's a Thursday and it'll be at lunchtime.

Lunchtime.

So you'll need to be able to come along.

That's the hottest, slottest.

I mean, that's when all the kids love to see things.

Lunchtime on a Thursday.

Yeah.

That's Thursday lunchtime.

Oi kid!

We do it for lunchtime tomorrow.

It's cool because then you've got the whole rest of the day to go out and... It is cool, Crows.

Crows, yeah.

So you'll need to be able to come along to the Round House, which is in Camden Town.

It's the Chalk Farm area of London.

Oh no, it's Camden Town slash Chalk Farm area of London.

I'm trying to read from this page and make it sound naturalistic.

Told you not to try and read.

So yeah, you can find out more at bbc.co.uk slash six music.

Don't be scared by the insane page of rules that are there if you check out how to get your tickets.

You do have to register your details and it is like applying for a visa.

It's like a draw, isn't it?

Foreign country.

So you just have to apply and then you go, but you know the castle, they're in trouble last year.

They've got to be so careful with stuff like this.

You do have to be careful.

But we'd really like you to come along because one way or another, no matter who we pick from our competition entrance, it is going to be a fun afternoon.

And we'd very much like to meet you and hang out.

And the performance thing will soon drop off.

You know like sheep's bits.

And we're going to bring a couple of things along to entertain you and it's going to be an enjoyable afternoon.

So do check it out, right?

Registration is open now and it closes on Friday the 9th of October at 4pm.

So if you fancy coming along, do register on that website and, you know, I'm sure not many people register.

Don't say that!

I'm sure millions of people register.

Don't be disappointed if you don't win.

And your video entries, if you'd like to actually enter the performance aspect of it, they have to be in by the 14th of October.

So you've still got a little bit under two weeks

Check out some of the entries we've had already on YouTube.

Check out some of the Quantum of Solace entries.

I mean, they're brilliant, but I think they are nonsense.

They're brilliant, shall we say brilliant, but disturbing.

Disturbing, yeah.

And we've got some amazing close harmony versions of Nutty Room and stuff.

We've got a little montage here of some of the versions of Nutty Room we've had.

Nutty, I am a nutty man, I'm sitting in my nutty room.

My honey, so this feels great to me too.

It's a clue for the cops, so I'm googling out the shops because I'm a complicated loon.

Look at the jars, look at the jars, look at the things inside the jars.

I've picked some fingers, there's some hair and several winkies.

Look at the holes, look at the walls, it's only covered in crazy squalls.

And sometimes, time I add to cover a studio.

A couple of those people were actually in what sounded like real nutty rooms.

Well, he changed, one of them had changed it to poo and pooping, hadn't he?

Knowing exactly where your comic interests lie.

But I'm depressed because nobody's done the Quantum of Solace and they're all mad.

Do some good versions of Quantum of Solace too.

What Joe really wants is some staff from one of those clothing shops to do a version.

But no one's even sung the Tonto of Solace.

For some reason, the three men who, you know, I'm very grateful towards them, even though they, I think, are all in some kind of a prison or hospital, they seem to just say the lyrics.

Just declare them.

They're reading them out from the karaoke screen.

That's what we asked people to do.

I know.

It's a song.

You're supposed to sing it, not say it like you're kind of had your brain recently turned inside out.

You should take them out because they are funny.

I don't want to be disrespectful.

They're very, very good.

They just lack a certain joie de vivre that Nutty Rum has.

Here's some classic indie music for you.

This is The Breeders with Cannonball.

It's an absolute slash.

What a smash.

That's the Breeders with Cannonball.

Hey listeners, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Delighted to be with you this Saturday afternoon.

Can't tell you if the weather's going to improve or not.

It's going to be gaily.

They said on the Radio 4 weather, as I was driving in, it's going to be gaily.

Gaily, right.

It's going to be winds of up to 70 miles an hour in the north.

It's going to do some battering, isn't it?

It's going to be battering parts of England, the wind.

battering broken Britain.

The final indignity.

Once the proud Queen of Europe, now an old haggard tramp.

Why are you saying that about England?

I don't know, the sort of thing they say on the news.

Is it?

I don't know, not really.

What's the proud queen of Europe now an old haggard tramp?

Yeah.

Is that what Alistair Stewart says?

It's what he'd like to say.

If you had the balls, got anything lined up for Saturday night, Joe?

Exciting things?

I have got some European cinema DVDs from what you said about Alistair Stewart.

Is that bad?

So vicious, yeah.

It was just stupid.

What's the question?

You got some European cinema DVDs.

What kind of thing?

I've got Dead Snow.

No, the new Michael Hanneker I've got.

Have you?

You love Michael Hanneker.

I do.

I think he's torture.

Ah, I like him.

What's his new one then?

It's called The White Ribbon.

Is it?

I'm excited.

Who's in that one?

It's very stoic in black and white.

Keanu Reeves?

Keanu Reeves.

Yeah.

Who else is it?

Lily Allen.

He plays the lead.

Yeah.

And then it's got the Teletubbies.

Right.

Are the baddies.

Keanu Reeves.

He's the last film star that I can remember.

Well done.

Shia LaBeouf, is he in it?

Probably.

He's a new film star.

He'll be taking over.

He'll be in the next one.

What I'm going to be doing with my Saturday night listeners is a little bit of DJing, right?

Yeah, your 60s tracks.

60s tracks.

I've actually got them.

The ones that are from the 30s.

From the 30s.

Right now, here's one from the Human League.

From the 60s.

It's the 13th World Club downstairs at the Albany Pub, 240 Great Portland Street.

Starts at 9pm.

And I am going to be playing 60s music.

That's the idea.

I get an urge just to tell people my address and get them to come and watch films with me.

Right.

Because I want to reciprocate, you know, you say I'm doing this thing, come on down.

I think, well, what if I got people to come on over?

We could all the listeners, we could all hang out, watch some DVDs.

You need a communal space, man.

We'd see some sixties films, you know, Jurassic Park.

All those famous sixties films.

But that'd be terrible.

Anyway, yeah, so come along, do hang out at the 13th floor.

Here is a piece of real 60s music.

No, because that would be an invasion of your home space.

This is the Stones, Rolling Stones that is, and this is from their album, compilation album, Singles, 1963 to 1965.

So it is in the 60s, this is stoned.

That was Gaz Coombs and Danny Goffe from Supergrass trading as hot rats with their cover of Gang of Four's Damaged Goods.

And Gaz and Danny are going to be on Six Music tomorrow from 3.30.

A special show was recorded at Gaz's house earlier in the week and very good at his tour apparently, so do listen out for that.

And the trail before was talking about it being Supergrass on Six Music.

Not quite true.

It's Gaz and Danny from Supergrass.

But you know, you can't have Mickey Quinn.

Gaz, what did you just say?

You said Daz and Ganny.

No, did I?

Yeah.

A bit of Spoonerism.

Daz and Ganny.

Sorry about that.

Sorry.

Daz and Danny from Supergrass, but there's no Mickey Quinn, so you can't have Supergrass without the Quinn-meister.

Quickie men.

Don't.

What are you doing?

From GrupaSauce.

Here's the news.

That's The Doves with Black and White Town.

Very beautiful video to that, directed by Lynne Ramsay, shot by Tom Townsend.

Very lovely video.

Lynne Ramsay, the done rat catcher.

Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Earlier on in the programme we had the wonderful comedian Josie Long on the telephone and she was furious about the fact that she made up the joke about

How much do you have to pay to play sports at Hogwarts?

Answer a quidditch.

That was part of her stand-up act and since it was read out as the work of James Hewitt on last week's show in the Made Up Jokes section, she has had to drop it from her act and she's absolutely hopping mad.

We've got James on the phone right now and James is in Western Australia.

Are you there James?

I am here, yes.

Now James, in order to make you feel more comfortable, we will be using our Australian accents.

You will just, if you could just testify to their perfect authenticity.

They are, as we say over here in Australia, as we Australians say, as you probably know, their fair dinkum.

Oh, absolutely.

We say that all the time.

Now James, we were chatting just while the doves were playing there, just before we came on air, and we established that you're a policeman James.

That is correct.

So this is a little ironic, you being accused of joke theft.

You might have to cuff yourself, mate, at the end of all this.

I've done a full investigation.

Give yourself a little bit of a beat-up.

So can you tell us the background?

How did you make up this joke?

Because of course you are claiming you made it up, right?

Otherwise you wouldn't have sent it into the made-up jokes section.

Of course, of course.

Tell us the, describe the exact moment when the joke came to you.

Sorry, I'll say that again in Australian.

Tell us the exact moment that the joke came to you, mate.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it just came to me in a flash of inspiration.

What more can I say?

I was sat there reading some Harry Potter and watching some Harry Potter and I had an extremely blonde-haired man next to me, a young Draco Malfoy, and he said, can you lend me a quid?

I said, oh, why is that?

And he said, oh, I'm going to go and play sports.

And I said, ah, they charge you a quid each.

And we all fell about laughing.

And since then, it's been my joke.

So how do you feel about Josie accusing you of thieving this joke?

Because she says she played gigs in Australia.

And not only does she say that, but you say in your email to us, in my defence, I have not heard of Josie Long.

I googled her and found out that she went to a school about a mile from my old house in the UK.

Is that true?

And clearly, there's a bit of long joke theft going on here.

And I want to know where my royalties are, Josie Long.

Where are my royalties?

You're accusing her of stealing it from you.

How could she possibly do that?

Are you saying she's got kind of joke spies or she's bugged you in Western Australia?

I mean, that's quite an accusation.

Far-fetched if you ask me, James Hewitt.

Officer James Hewitt.

Hang on a second, you're supposed to be an independent arbiter.

Whose side are you on?

I don't really know, I'm just trying to stir something up.

You are, you're the absolute stirrer.

Before we came on, Joe said to James, can you get quite angry, James about it?

Can you act like you're really outraged and that Josie definitely is wrong?

It's not working so far.

Well it's...

There you go.

It's just when Josie came on, one of the first things she said was, oh, you know, I'm sure we both just thought of it at the same time.

Don't say that.

That's just letting the air out of the whole thing.

We're trying to run.

Well look, here's what Josie actually said.

Let's play you a little clip of what Josie was saying before.

Right, you're it.

Listen to me.

I know you stole the joke.

It's my bloody joke.

It come out of my imagination.

You want to write a joke?

You write a joke about your cricket umpire.

All right, that's it.

Time up, sorry.

Time up, please.

Stand down.

Come down.

Security!

She's gone insane.

There you go.

That was us talking to... I'll tell you what, Long.

If you're listening, don't come back to Perth.

Your card's a mark.

Well, that's maybe going too far the other way there.

If Josie plays a gig, was she at the Hi-Fi Club or something?

And if she plays a gig there in Western Australia, then James might fiddle her stats or something.

Well, he's a police officer.

He could probably get it shut down.

Get the whole thing shut down and busted.

Anyway, James, thank you so much for talking to us.

You're welcome.

Are we concluding that then this was just a coincidence?

Yeah.

I think a bizarre twist of fate.

And who, and are both these people going to be allowed to use the joke?

Do you think Josie should continue using the joke there, James?

If you give her my email address and bank account details, so she can forward me royalties, then she's of course more than welcome.

Do you know what I think?

I mean, the fact is that the first day, the first Harry Potter book was released, right?

Someone probably would have thought of that joke.

And that's the criteria I think we need to apply to jokes.

If the cultural reference in it is old,

Beyond a certain number of years, I think the laws of probability mean that if it's a simple bit of wordplay, someone will have thought of it.

Far bigger for me to start rowing firmly for sure, but this is not the most sophisticated joke I've ever heard in my life.

Exactly.

That's very humble of you.

And I think the person to blame here is Adam Buxton for reading it out and not realizing that it would provoke this horrible, horrible contre tomp.

I thought it was funny.

Congratulations, James.

I think you're a genius.

Thanks for coming on, James.

And do do good umpiring at this cricket match.

I will do.

Take care, mate.

Bye-bye.

Be careful out there.

Don't read any books.

The only acceptable racism left on the planet.

A bad Australian accent.

Here is Fanfarlow.

These are the worlds coming down.

That is Fanfarlow.

They're London based, right?

They were formed in 2006 by the Swedish musician Simon Balthazar.

And that track is called The Walls Are Coming Down.

The single's out now.

Second song to be released from Reservoir, their debut album which was released on Monday.

It's time for some more text-o-nations.

Here is the jingle.

Text-o-nation.

Text, text, text, text-o-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-o-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

This week it's all about your crazy ideas for lifestyle-orientated retail experiences.

Here's another idea I had, right?

You have, apart from the weightless atmosphere, how about the store is completely frozen?

And this is a clothes store, and you defrost your clothes when you get home.

It's pretty good.

It's a bit pedestrian, to be honest.

I mean, there are ice hotels that lazy television programs constantly do features from.

I mean, I don't mean to be too dismissive or cruel, but it's maybe too late.

But yeah, it's a good idea.

It's a good idea.

I've changed my mind.

whoa it's a good idea oh no i'm thinking now about all the consequences yeah because good idea it's so cold that your brain that your brain starts to shut down and that's what these stores want a lot of time they want the atmosphere to just hit you over the head with a sort of kosh as if the shop could be called kosh

And they hit you over the head with a posh.

How about this cosh, spelt Q-O-S-H.

And then they take your money.

Yeah.

Or you wake up strapped to a chair and they torch you till you give them your PIN number.

Right.

And... And you consent to it.

That's brilliant.

Yeah, you consent to it.

And they do a certain... Or Guantanamo, it could be called.

Guantanamo.

Yeah.

It's a political shop.

That is nice.

And you can just buy orange boiler suits there.

Yeah.

Makes life simple.

Anyway, here are someone sent in by listeners.

This is one from Jack West Orem.

Here's an idea for your sexy shop.

What if all the orange t-shirts, this is a shop we were discussing earlier, right?

Here's an idea.

What if all the orange t-shirts with words on them and other clothes were already being worn by sexy people in the shop?

In order to buy clothes, you have to strip the living mannequins of their vestigments.

I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

I'm pinching myself.

Says Jack, who creates himself Jackanori.

Here's one from Robin Birmingham.

I feel we read out many texts from Robin Birmingham.

He's just a very clever witty chap.

Might be a number of different Robs.

Wouldn't it be great if someone opened an underwear shop where the staff wore nothing but their underwear?

This sounds like a pathetic fantasy.

And it partly is now.

However, I swear to you, it has only ever come into my head as a result of your text-to-nation.

Now, would that be nice or would that be a bit... A bit yucky.

A bit yucky.

No, no, no, because they would be so clean.

They're really sexy and very clean.

They're probably mandated by the management to shower every hour.

Yeah, health checks and hygiene checks.

Although I was thinking, what about just nude stuff?

I don't know.

What?

Why is the poo poo coming out?

Because bits and bobs, they'd get everywhere.

You know, you'd be, you know, the, the pit chip and pin machine would break.

You'd have to do the old thing where you swipe the card through the machine and your bits would get caught.

Why are they swiping at that level?

They don't swipe that low.

They have the machine, the nipple height.

And the ladies can't operate.

Yeah, but your nipple height is very different from, for instance, my nipple height.

I wouldn't be allowed on the floor.

Obviously, I would not be allowed on the floor.

Well, what about if you were a customer?

I'd be working in the stockroom.

You, the little hairy one.

The one that looks like Laurel and Hardy Guy.

Get in the stock room.

Here's one from Liam Mason.

I think that on entering the store, you are given a trolley for you to sit in.

All the sales assistants have to whiz you around the shop looking for your shopping.

I mean, that's something major supermarkets could... That is something that major supermarkets could implement tomorrow.

Pushing you around.

Pushing you around in the flipping trolleys.

I like it.

He's getting angry.

I said the F word.

That's the end of our career.

Did I read the one about things in brine?

Yeah.

Tuna in brine in brine.

Another one then.

From Rob in bed in Romford.

A clothes shop with 60 staff.

Oh no, this is the same idea.

Oh god.

What, and they're all new?

Phil.

Thank you, Phil.

Good, thanks.

Here's the one with Stephen Wells.

A shop that sells just coat hangers.

But the coat hangers have clothes hanging on them.

And when you take them to the checkout, the clothes are removed and you buy the hanger.

That's just an idea for a hanger shop.

All right, all right, all right, I'm moving on, I'm moving on.

I'd like a shop, this is from you, and I'd like a shop where there are way more shop assistants than customers, like a 10 to 1 ratio, and each one wears the national dress of a different country.

They swarm around you gibbering and fighting and trying to sell you pencils.

It would be a stationary shop.

What?

Another one.

Graham Bowman.

Shop.

Shop has no branding.

It is a perfect cube, painted entirely white.

It is empty, apart from a single white t-shirt which hangs in the middle of the room.

The t-shirt is white.

It has no label.

It comes in one size, mathematically measured, to fit only the perfect human form.

It costs £500.

One staff member dressed in white sits on a white plastic chair in the corner of the store.

They never speak.

If you buy the t-shirt, the store closes for the rest of the day.

I like it.

But then how would people know that you bought your white t-shirt from white?

Because it would have the word white written on it in white.

In a special way.

No, it would just be white.

Finally, Pauline in Suffolk hired him and Joe for a new shopping experience, an X Factor style panel of judges in the changing rooms to help people decide how things really look.

That's not bad.

Yeah, I have got one in the corner there.

But that's terrific, isn't it?

What an amazing lot of messages we got.

And if you're listening during the week, don't forget that you can still contribute for next week's retro text donation, but you can only contribute by email.

Texts will not be tolerated.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk is the email address to send them to.

Here's some music right now.

This is your free play, Joe.

Yeah, this is a hot, hot, hot new band when, what's he called?

Jerry O'Connell.

Jimmy Stockings, who does later Jules Holland.

Tommy Timkins.

Tommy Timkins, when he introduced them the other week.

I saw them on later.

Did you?

Yeah, it's an innovative underground show where you can hear new music.

He said, here's some music, buy some exciting newies.

He said, oh, random applause.

Random applause is inside the newies.

I don't even have my left fridge.

Fridge, there's no amount of applause for milk.

But this is the XX and this is a song from that album called VCR.

The XX with VCR.

This has been Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.

Thanks to everybody who's texted and emailed.

And listen, don't forget this show is available in a highlights version in a podcast form on Monday.

Or you can listen again on the iPlayer all week.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up next have a fantastic week, and we'll be back with you at the same time.

Thanks for listening