The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (26 September 2009)

6 Music Today from 2 Jimmy Big Nuts From Midday Mandy Tidbits But now It's Adam and Jo Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio They'll need some music

That's Junior Mervin there with Police and Thieves.

Hey, this is Adam.

Hey, this is Joe.

Welcome to the Adam and Joe radio show here on BBC 6 Music on a beautiful Saturday morning here in Landon, anyway.

Landon's out.

Ooga-booga.

You're chimney's filthy darling.

I'll be over later on to cleanage.

Oh, hey.

I've got a couple of muscles here for you if you like.

Eels, would you like some?

We're living land then.

Eels, eels.

We've got lots of stuff coming up in the show listeners.

You may have heard just there, one of our new idents at the very, very top of the show, right, before even the big British castle jingle.

That's a new bit of branding that's come through from the top.

Yeah, from the very top.

Are we going to be playing that again?

Well, we've got a few variations on the theme.

So listen out, yeah.

Maybe we shouldn't draw attention to it, otherwise we'll get locked up in the vault.

We'll explain more about that later.

We've also got a special Black Squadron command.

Black Squadron, of course, are the elite listening force who are listening live at the moment.

If you're listening to this live, rather than on Listen Again or the podcast, then you are by default a member of Black Squadron.

Yeah, you've tuned in for the first half hour of the programme.

That means that you're, you know, you're the hardcore, the elite.

Now, we've been giving Black Squadron commands and last week there was a certain amount of, um, negative comments about the whole Black Squadron phenomenon.

Last week was the most hot, stirring, wonderful... It was amazing.

In the end, it really came through.

The panhats, they were really powerful and moving.

And incidentally, if you want to see some of those panhats, you can visit our blog, bbc.co.uk, forward slash blogs, forward slash Adam and Jo.

Are they on the blog?

No, they're on the website, the Adam and Jo website.

They're there somewhere if you dig around.

This week, we are going to step things up a bit.

What was the negative comment?

Well, I thought you were suggesting that it was a bit silly.

But Black Squadron was a bit silly and pointless.

Negative comments from me.

Kind of.

No.

Just in a fun way, Adam.

Don't worry.

I'm not kidding at you, seriously.

Just playful.

So I decided to step up Black Squadron this week.

Yeah.

And I think we should focus on, there you go again, you see?

That's exactly what I was talking about.

Negative comments.

Oh, that?

Oh, you mean that kind of thing?

Well, not really.

Comment though, was it?

You mean that sort of thing.

It's just a negative noise.

Listen to that, Squadron.

You're going to turn the Squadron against you.

That could be bad.

That is negative, isn't it?

You're playing with fire.

See, I didn't mean it.

It just comes out.

Maybe it sounds negative.

Anyway, carry on.

What are you thinking?

Like last week we did panhats and people sent us some amazing photographs and they sent them in very fast.

So we figured why not have a Black Squadron photo race?

Ah, good idea.

That's what we're going to do this morning.

So Black Squadron, stand by with any kind of... You've got to be able to email or text this photo.

So, stand by with your camera or your camera phone, and we're going to give you a command that is kind of an instruction of a particular sort of photo we want you to take.

Right?

So, they need the details for where to send it, right?

Yeah.

So, you can email it to AdamandJoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk, or you can text it

to 64046.

That's right.

And... Texts will be charged at your standard message rate, Joe.

And it's not purely... We're not going to kind of... That there is no winner, right?

It's not a competition.

No, how stupid.

It is merely a... what is it then?

It's a fun game.

A fun game!

And we will put our favourite and best photo, the one that makes us laugh the most, on the blog.

Yeah.

So that's what's up for grabs, if you could say there's something up for grabs, but of course there isn't.

No, because it's not a competition.

It's a fun speed game.

Fun speed photo game.

So stand by because I'm going to give you the description of what you've got a photograph.

It's very simple.

Be careful while you're doing it.

Don't break anything.

Don't get overexcited.

It's not necessarily the fastest.

It's the fastest and the best.

And the most fun.

Are we going to do that now then?

Yeah.

Alright.

Let me tell you that as soon as Joe issues the command, we're going to bang right into the next track.

It's going to be by the phenomenal hand clap band.

It's called 15 to 20, but now here is the command for Black Squadron.

Alright, Black Squadron, stand by with your cameras.

We would like you to take a photo of a poltergeist attack!

Is that a poltergeist?

I'm looking at some of the squadron pictures there.

Is that a poltergeist?

That's a furry owl.

That's a very vivid apparition of a poltergeist, if it is one.

Poltergeist has never been captured so clearly.

Well, the light there looks as if it might be an apparition of some kind.

Right.

Well, very interesting interpretations of the Black Squadron command have come in already.

We're just having a

I look through them.

If you've just tuned in, we were asking Black Squadron to take photographs of a poltergeist attack.

And there've been some terrifying occurrences all over Britain in the last three or four minutes.

Photos are coming in hand over fist.

We'll keep you up to date.

Oh, this is a good one!

Look at that one!

A man in his pants!

Oh, that's good.

Look at that!

That's really good.

That's almost Victorian.

He's got black pants on.

The pants are the most terrifying aspect of that picture.

He's just in his standing nude part from his black pants in his kitchen and it looks as if he's wrestling with a sheet that's fallen from the ceiling.

That's really, that's frightening.

I mean, a man is at his most vulnerable when in black wife fronts and nothing else.

Stay away from my pants!

That's a good picture, I like that.

That's a very good picture.

So blurry.

Oh, that's a contender.

Well, you've got another quarter of an hour listeners to send these in.

Right, the deadline is half past 90.

But you know, that has an advantage because of its speed.

That is, yeah.

The faster they come in, the more chance they have, right?

But it's not purely speed, it's quality as well.

And fun.

So you're probably wondering how my elbow is.

Yes, last week listeners Adam was telling us about what he thought was a spider bite on his elbow.

It had a huge postulant swelling on it.

Wasn't postulant.

It's like you've got a double, a double, what's that thing called?

Elbow.

Is there a name for the pointy bit, the pointiest pointy bit on the end of the elbow?

Elbow.

The elbow.

It looks like you've got a swollen elbow.

I do, I feel like I've got an extra protrusion.

Sorry, that's a good word, isn't it, L-bone?

L-bone, yeah.

That's the kind of word that children use.

Thanks.

Like, eyebrow.

Did you used to think they were called eyebrows?

I should have texted that in for the textination a couple of weeks ago.

Body part names.

Ah, L-bone.

Well, I've got an extra L-bone now, as you pointed out, yeah, on my right L-bone.

And it's sort of peeled as if it sunburned.

You've lost a bit of skin there, mate.

I know, right.

It was, yeah, it's all, I mean, it's still painful.

but it's a little bit better than it was last week.

Oh, good.

I went to... We got some... Sorry, just... We got some very alarming emails from listeners.

Oh, really?

People who'd had similar elbow problems.

We got a lot of medical advice, a lot of doctors actually offering you bits of text describing how you should operate on yourself.

Well, they were assuming that it was some form of bursitis or something.

That's right, and how to burst and drain it.

The bursa.

And it wasn't like that.

It wasn't purulent in that way.

No.

It wasn't weeping or seeping.

It was just kind of painful and swollen.

But then I went to the sort of A&E, like the local Medi Center, when I got back on Saturday last week after the show, because I was in absolute agony.

And I went there, booked myself an appointment, and I actually thought it was the doctor.

I thought it was the local doc, right?

Right.

I turn up and it's more like the Medi Center, and it's really full Saturday night.

Loads of people have families, little kids and stuff.

And it was the one time in my life when I did not want to be recognized, right?

Which doesn't happen to me very often, but sure enough, as soon as I go in there, this guy goes, oh, hello, look who it is.

Was the doctor saying that?

The receptionist.

This was a guy waiting to have a patient.

He had a problem with his eye.

To have his brain removed.

He's like, what are you doing here?

No, he was a nice chap.

What are you doing here?

I was like, well, I'm in agonizing pain and I'm feeling really ill.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Oh, I've got something in my eye.

So, weird to see you here.

I was just checking out some of your stuff on the internet.

Crystal Maze.

I didn't want to go into the fact that that was Joe that did that one.

But although I did help with the voices.

And so I said, oh, yeah, great.

That's really great.

Weird.

Weird to have you sat here.

A celebrity, sort of.

Sort of.

Correct.

Meanwhile, everyone in the waiting room was like watching this little scene unfold and sort of thinking, who's that guy talking to?

Who's the guy with the beard?

He's not famous.

It was really awful.

And then I said to him, how long have you been waiting here?

It's about an hour now.

My appointment was about an hour ago.

An hour?

I'm not going to wait an hour and make small talk with my agonising pain.

So I just peeled off.

Couldn't be bothered with it.

Really?

Yeah.

I thought, I don't care.

Life's too short.

I can go home and be in pain in bed rather than sat here in the medicine.

But you didn't get your elbow untreated.

No, because I thought, what are they gonna say?

They're gonna go, well, you know, you just got a big elbow.

It'll go down.

Get over it.

And it has gone down.

And it has, yeah.

Wow.

So I correctly diagnosed myself.

I went straight home to bed.

How serious would the injury have to be before you stop being repelled by celebrity recognition?

Do you know what I mean?

I think there would have to be an open gash there that actually needed sewing up by a professional.

Something that would get you rushed through the waiting room.

I mean, even an open gash, at that moment, even an open gash I would have gone home and done myself.

Yeah, stuck a little bandaid on it.

Right now, listeners, I've got a free play for you.

This is a band that I met in latitude, the latitude festival.

Hey, man, can I just give credit to the guy whose photo we just described?

Yeah, sure.

Because we were talking about it and then we failed to give him credit, but now I've lost the paper.

Thanks for interrupting my little intro.

Sorry, I had it positioned up that now someone's removed it.

For this total time-wasting rubbish!

I can't find it anymore!

So talk again and I'll interrupt you again.

Met this band in latitude.

Where is it?

They're called Sky Larkin.

James where's it gone?

Like, not Skylar King, but Larkin.

Like Philip Larkin.

Maybe it's a reference to the band XTC's album Sky- I think he was called Ian.

Jim.

He was called Jim.

Jim what?

Jim and Ree Edwards.

Yeah, their photo was of Jim in his pants.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Keep going.

And this is a track from their album, The Golden Spike, very much enjoying this album, and it's called Fossil Eye.

Well,

It is Phoenix consolation prizes.

The song is like a kind of a croissant made of joy.

A joy croissant made of sunshine as well.

A pastry made of sunshine.

A pastry made of happy.

You just said the word pastry.

Listen, it's been an extraordinary half hour of powerful supernatural activity across Britain.

I mean, it's like the beginning of Ghostbusters 2, you know?

When they all break through the...

Hmm, concrete.

Maybe it's the middle of Ghostbusters too.

Anyway, brilliant photos.

David Barrow has sent a terrifying picture of some sort of little black beast at the top of the stairs with fiery glowing eyes.

Yeah, he's got a brilliant picture of like the main staircase and then just in the corner at the very top is this little black cat peeping round.

But then the flash is reflecting in its eyes making it look demonic.

That's really good for such short notice photo taking.

Some of the photos are absolutely brilliant.

James Binning.

You could exhibit them at the Royal Academy.

In London he sent a brilliant photo of ectoplasm spewing from his mouth.

Or a napkin.

Not sure.

Ruby Styles and her dad Tony have taken a terrifying picture of Ruby talking to a blank television screen.

That's a very good one.

That's a good one.

And she's blonde as well.

Very good.

Like a little girl in poltergeist.

It's very hard to take a picture of white noise on television though, you know, because you get the screen.

You get Derek Jarman's blue now.

That's the default colour.

That's right.

Exactly in the digital age.

It's an absolute shame.

There's so many great photos, listeners.

It's going to take a while to go through them all and make our decision.

But I think what we'll do is rather than announce the... It's not a winner, is it?

How would you describe the one that we select?

The champion.

No, because that implies some kind of winning.

The randomly selected non-superior representative.

The pleasing representative.

Yes.

The non-superior pleasing representative.

The democratic indicator.

Yeah, yeah.

The random democratic indicator of randomly selected pleasingness.

The mean image.

Well, that makes it sound negative, though.

No, as in mathematically mean, the average.

I see what you mean.

Yeah, the representative.

Anyway, we'll do that and we'll stick it on the blog, bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Jo.

We'll do that like on, well, after the show.

Coming up in the next half hour, ladies and gentlemen, we have retro text-a-nation.

We are going to be reading out a few more messages that we got about last week's text-a-nation subject, which was most annoying TV presenting things or presenters themselves.

We've had quite a few messages coming in on that subject, so we're going to be doing that.

And playing more great music, et cetera, a little bit like this.

This is the Sundays with Summertime.

That's the Sundays with Summertime.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Very nice to have you along.

This is Adam and Joe.

I just said all that, didn't I?

It's just gone 9.30.

I'm going mental.

It's time for the news.

That's The Battle of Who Could Care Less by Ben Folds Five.

Hey, how are you doing, listeners?

This is Adam.

Hey, I'm Joe.

Welcome to the Adam and Joe radio show here on BBC Six Music.

Nice to have you along.

Now it's a lovely sunny day outside and it's been nice all week in fact.

Nice.

Sometimes right in September you get like the nicest weather of the whole year.

That is true.

Because it's nice it's like sunny right but it's also not too hot so you don't get uncomfortable.

I've said this before right.

Yeah so again summer in Britain is at the beginning and end not in the middle.

Right.

You know it's always bad in the middle by

Do you know what I mean?

It's hot at the beginning of the summer and there's always rubbish in the middle and then it gets hot again at the end.

And it gets nice again at the end.

It's always the same.

But the thing I noticed this week walking around London town, I was here for a couple of days doing a little bit of work, you know how it goes.

Exciting for you.

Very exciting.

Did you get confused and overwhelmed?

Yeah, I started crying.

I was like the guy from Alone in the Wild.

We'll talk about that later on.

But I noticed a lot of people sitting outside restaurants on tables on the pavement.

Why do they do that?

Why?

I'm asking you.

Why do they do that?

Because they're sitting outside in the pavement in England at the end of September and it just seems to be like a colossal act of denial to me.

You know what I mean?

Well, it's becoming a European style city.

It's not a European style city.

Everyone's cycling.

It's very relaxed now.

European style.

It's by no means European style.

You've got a great big ugly street like Oxford Street or whatever and there's still people sitting outside.

Disagree.

I think it's lovely.

You're insane.

Have you ever sat outside in a... I know what you mean when the pavement's very narrow and when the traffic's very close and when there are loonies coming and asking you for money.

Or if I'm sitting eating at a table, I always think that someone will walk past, and in fact I'm vaguely tempted to do this when I'm walking past someone's table.

It'd be an awful thing to do and I'd never do it.

But just to put your fists in their chips!

Do you know what I mean?

You're just strolling past, they've got a bowl of chips, you've got pong, fist in the chips, punch the chips, pong.

Fist in chips?

Yeah, or something like that, or I don't know, or just knock their drink over and run away.

Do you know what I mean?

There just seems to be a sort of very fragile sense of an unspoken sense of trust, having a very fancy meal.

Especially when it's one of those restaurants where there's a tablecloth and roses, and it's as if they're in a room.

You're not in a room, mate.

You're in the street, boss!

That's the thing, I think you're just walking by and there's dog pops strewn around and stuff.

I agree.

And bins overflowing.

I think the general idea is wonderful.

Of course the idea is wonderful.

But it's a world away from being on Sunset Boulevard as the sun goes down.

Sunset Boulevard's horrible as well.

There are lots of outdoor restaurants on Sunset Boulevard and that's really trafficking.

But some of them have little white fences around them and stuff like that.

Yeah, but that's just as bad there.

I agree and it's a little bit... I don't agree.

You don't agree.

No, I started off agreeing.

Now I don't agree.

Complete switcheroo.

I don't put my fist in the chips, though.

You don't?

Well, no, neither do I, but I'm tempted to.

I don't know.

You often get hassled by people asking for money, though, don't you?

Right.

Don't you?

It's certainly in Soho, if you're sitting out.

I don't know.

I've never sat out.

I've never been tempted.

To me, it seems insane.

Right.

Like, here's some other things you could have, right?

The same kind of things.

Like, what about a shower in a supermarket?

Yes, a shower in a sieve.

Well, where's the through line there?

How is that like heating on the pavement?

Oh, I see.

Well, it is a bit, isn't it?

Because to you, the incongruity of pavements and heating.

Right, exactly.

I get it.

What about a bed on a tube train?

I mean, this could go on forever.

What about a cocktail bar in a public toilet?

How about that?

Wanna hang out there?

Yeah.

Fisting chips?

What about a swimming pool in a cinema?

For God's sake.

It's too broad.

Or a gym in a restaurant.

The parameters aren't strict enough.

How about a gymnasium right there in the restaurant?

What do you mean the parameters aren't straight?

It's just too, it's too floppy and broad.

You want to tighten the terms up a bit, then it'll be more impressive, comically.

Hm, try not.

Laundry on a bus?

Is it not the same?

No.

Should we play some music?

What's Fanfalo?

I don't know, we're gonna find out in a second.

This is called The Walls Are Coming Down by Fanfalo.

That's Fanfalo.

We don't actually know where they're from, but we're assuming they're sort of European, right?

Mmm, Scandinavian or something.

There's a photo of them here.

They're making a little human pyramid.

Making a human pyramid in the garden, a nice garden of maybe their mother or someone like that.

One, two, three, four, five men.

Fanfalo.

One lady.

They sound a little bit like, you know, arcade fire and, um... Bit polyphonic spree, I got.

Right, right, right.

Like a big communal collective.

How many of them are there in the pyramid?

Five, I said already, five.

There's not five, can you not count?

One, two, three, four, there's six.

If I said five men and one lady, six.

I can't count, no.

I can, because I'm Count Buckley's.

Well done.

This is BBC6 Music.

Welcome along.

Nice to have you here.

It's a lovely Saturday afternoon.

And we are going right now to catch up with Text the Nation in Retro Text the Nation.

Oh, this is a disaster.

So I'll do it.

I'll do it.

It's time for Retro Text the Nation.

I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Cause I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because Red's Road takes the nation's ear And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

What a profoundly stirring jingle to kick off Retro Text the Nation.

This is where we read out submissions for last week's Text the Nation subject so that people who've listened to the show on iPlayer and via the podcast can join in.

And last week's Text the Nation subject, why can't I say that?

Text the Nation, last week's Text the Nation subject was all about TV presenting annoyances.

TV presenters, techniques or mannerisms that really get on your wick.

And we got some furious correspondence, didn't we?

People feel very passionately about it.

It's something that everyone takes very seriously.

And I was worried after last week's show that we'd maybe, you know, been reading out some quite personal insults to other castle presenters.

And, of course, they weren't our opinions.

They were the opinions of our listeners.

But people getting really incensed about the minutiae of particular presenters, movements and mannerisms.

And it's Shan Loyd.

She came in for some fairly harsh criticism.

It was very personal criticism.

The master, the bald master chef presenter, seems to be one of the most irritating figures in the public sphere at the moment, wouldn't you say?

Have you got a few messages there from listeners?

We've got more, yes.

Here's one from George Humphreys.

He says, it really bothers me when people sit too close together on TV.

This is best exemplified on the programme this week hosted by Andrew Neil.

The regular guests, Diane Abbott and Michael Portillo, sit far too close together.

It boggles my mind.

Why not get a bigger couch?

Surely they feel uncomfortable so close to each other's special zones.

I imagine that TV presenting is a sweaty business, so sitting with at least 25% of your body area touching is nothing short of madness.

So he's getting annoyed by physical proximity on the television.

Yeah.

He must spend a lot of his life very angry.

I know what he means about Diane Abbott and Michael Portillo, though.

They do.

I've noticed that.

But they have a kind of sexual chemistry anyway, though.

They do.

A very special sexual chemistry.

programme.

They're reaching across to each other from across the political boundaries spectrum.

Michael from the right, Diane from the left, and it's a beautiful meeting of minds in the middle and bodies as well.

It's very sexy.

Here's one from Scott.

He says, on bargain hunt, cash in the attic, etc., the presenters and experts, such as Wanacott, Dickinson and Martin, always feel they have to make idiotic puns that relate to the item up for auction.

For example, a porcelain figure of a horse would get, let's hope it gallops away at auction.

If that's not enough, they're constantly forcing the member of the public to disclose what they plan to do with the money.

Surely that's none of their business.

There's not a lot you can spend £40 on.

It's just an excuse to get a final pun to end the segment.

Well, the porcelain horse has ended up in pastures new, and I'm sure the £40

help towards that trip to Australia to visit your dead father.

That's all from us here at the auction rooms in Chiswick.

That was from Scott.

Thank you very much, Scott.

That's well observed.

That is very annoying.

I mean, if you remove puns from the media, though, the whole infrastructure will come tumbling down.

Plus, you've got to have some sympathy for those people.

They do a one hour show every day, five days a week from different rubbish tips.

So where does it come from?

Places in the UK.

Places in the UK, sorry, but it's like, isn't that the one that comes from like jumble sales or something?

Fisting chips.

Anyway, I've got sympathy.

They look so sort of tired and lost.

I agree.

They've been doing it for 15 years, every day.

Yeah.

Awful job.

That's one of my tongues being sucked back into my toothless lizard mouth.

Here's another one from Nicky in London.

Actually, that's from Simon Corrigan.

I've got two names at the end of that.

It's either from Simon Corrigan or Nicky in London.

But he or she is annoyed by these sound effects.

That's a very bold claim.

I don't believe the BBC would fake up sound effects on a nature dog.

Oh, of course they do.

Attenborough.

You wouldn't do that.

No way!

They've got enough trouble getting the picture without the sound.

You are.

If they did that, they would have to put some sound effects created by a Foley artist.

You're in the biz, right?

If you want to get a polar bear, you don't get close with the camera.

You stick it on a long lens.

Yeah, directional mic.

Yeah, but not at that distance in the polar land when it's windy.

They've got good mics these days.

Pick up lovely clean crunching, do you think?

Or you get a tame bear in afterwards to do it, maybe.

But you don't fake up sounds of nature.

It's not faking.

It is!

It's just making, otherwise there wouldn't be any.

One thing I do notice, though, is sometimes when you've got black and white footage on documentaries, especially of the war, bombs dropping, that kind of thing, which was clearly silent footage, right?

Yeah.

Then they put, like, mad explosions in the staff and all that sort of stuff.

Apart for the course.

But not Attenborough.

Yeah, he does.

No, none.

Listen, support me on this.

Support me on this.

Dicky, get in touch.

And Richard.

Here's one from Luke in Manchester.

David is what I mean.

Although there are many annoying things about The X Factor, one thing infuriates me beyond reason.

In this new series, they have the auditionees sing to a backing track and insist on cutting to a shot of a faceless sound engineer pushing up a fader before the start of each song, as if the audience's brains would incinerate at not knowing where this magical musak wonder was emanating.

The only way me and my girlfriend can bear it is by sarcastically miming the action as it happens to diffuse the rage.

We should probably just stop watching it, Luke in Manchester.

Yeah, I noticed that definitely yeah, do you know what that is?

I think it's like a cue to place your bets Because you never know whether they're gonna be awful or brilliant at that point And that's the kind of visual clue to say it's gonna be brilliant.

It's gonna be awful

I know what they mean though, it is a bit ridiculous, just pressing the play button.

But it's a nice visual cue.

I've changed my mind, it's not ridiculous.

It's brilliant, it's one of my favourite bits of the program.

You're impossible to pin down.

I know, I am.

Have you got another one?

I'm mercurial.

No, you read out one of the ones I had.

Oh, have you not got some spare ones?

No, I don't.

Some extra ones.

Some silver spill ones.

Damn you.

I've got another one.

You can have one of mine if you want.

I'm happy to listen to yours, I love the sound of your voice.

Do you?

Yeah.

You know what?

I've nearly run out.

Here's another one.

Miss Fiona Bruce, who we love.

So this isn't our opinion.

We love you Fiona.

Miss Fiona Bruce, you want a what?

I was going to say have an affair with her.

With her?

Yeah.

Really?

So do I.

Do you?

Yeah.

Let's not get into this.

No, I'll do Tuesdays.

Many days she's free.

Miss Fiona Bruce seems to have a habit on the news of sitting at the desk with her arms positioned in such a way that she is impersonating a Romulan from Star Trek The Next Generation.

It appears that she is wearing a mildly irritating deodorant, Robert from Dumfresha.

Now you know about Romulans.

Do you like Star Trek?

Is that right?

What do you know about Romulans?

I picked that one out specifically because of your Star Trek comments.

I like Star Trek Next Generation.

There's not that much Romulan action in The Next Generation.

Do you think that's a fair point?

It's more Borg based.

Do you think that's a fair point?

I don't know!

I know more about the Borg!

If they talked about that, I could comment.

Romulans, I'm not fast.

Alright, well that's the end of Retro Text the Nation, I think.

A lot of very irrational fury about presenters.

Thank you very much indeed for all your messages.

Here's a free choice, this is yours, Joe.

Yeah, this is a bit of Burt Yanch.

Hang on, where's the piece of paper?

Well, he became a member of Pentangle, didn't he?

He's a kind of folk troubadour from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and 90s.

He's like the cornerstone of the British folk scene.

He kind of is.

This is from his eponymous 1965 album.

This is a track called Oh, How Your Love Is Strong.

That was Polytechnic with Won't You Come Around.

That was taken from their 2007 album, Down Till Dawn.

And Guitarist, I'm sorry to tell you this listeners, but Guitarist Denny Hilton left the band in 2007.

I'm really sorry about that.

The four members left have begun to work on new material, so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

But I think everybody was very shocked when Denny left in 2007 and the rest of the guys found it very difficult to carry on.

But there is going to be, it looks as if there is going to be new material from Polytechnic, so that's okay.

I'm very sorry.

It's very unprofessional.

I just wish that he would get in touch.

I remember his belt.

I don't know where he is or where he is.

I don't think about his belt.

Why?

Why did he leave?

Why did he go from the van?

What's he doing now?

That's all I just wish he would call.

Listen, fact check time, right?

Fanfalo are English.

Are they?

They're not like, well, European so that we were right, but they're not Scandinavian.

Also, listen to this Adam.

Go on then.

Hi Adam and Jo.

A friend of mine is a dubbing artist.

He said that all the sounds we hear on nature programs aren't authentic.

They come from a data bank of pre-recorded sounds.

Karen from Bristol.

Sam in Edinburgh.

I'm sorry Adam, but a great deal if not most of the sound effects on nature docs are done by a Foley artist.

My soul withered a little when I found this out, but I got over it.

Russell in Brighton.

I remember a whole program years ago on a woman whose job was to make the Sounds for Nature features.

A lot of knives and cabbages I record.

But you... Yeah, I'm afraid.

You are wrong.

Here's someone.

Do definitely create Sounds for Nature programs, including Attenborough.

There have been documentaries about it on the DVDs.

How else do you think they got a time-lapsed, growing bramble to creak on the plant series?

Ah, it's easy to get a time-lapsed growing bramble to creak.

No, hang on.

The end of this text is, how else do you think they got a time-lapsed growing bramble to creak on the plant series, Adam?

Return to schooling!

Exclamation mark.

I am naive.

Certainly, I am naive.

But I just assumed that in the modern climate of transparency and accountability,

that you wouldn't be allowed to get away with things like that.

But there was a big fuss about them into cutting like a wide shot of a real squirrel with a close-up of a squirrel.

I know nature documentaries are, to some extent, a tissue of lies, but I assumed that nowadays you had to, like, be completely transparent about it and have, like, bare grills done at the beginning of the program.

Well, this is the thing.

Is it completely or not?

If it was completely transparent, all nature programs would have to be live.

I'm an advocate.

I liked it in the old days when everyone would lie through their teeth about everything on TV.

I thought that was much more fun.

I didn't care about knowing the truth.

I didn't want to know the absolute truth about everything and competitions and all that rubbish.

But now in the modern climate of having to be totally 100% honest about the way everything is done in a tedious way.

I can't believe that they are getting fake creaks on time-lapse growing brambles.

I can't believe you've got over Danny so quickly.

I can't believe you mentioned him again.

Is that real?

Do you really care about him or was that just fake?

Of course I care about him.

Why would I fake that?

You can't fake that.

Here's a letter from a listener.

This is from Simon Nichols.

He's 21, he's male and he's from Hemel Hempstead.

Dear Adam and Jo, I'm a massive fan of the show.

I work Saturdays, so I've never been part of Black Squadron, I'm afraid, but I do love the podcast.

One of my favourite times to listen to your podcast is when I'm in the bath.

I often tell my parents I'm going for my Adam and Jo bath.

I put my laptop on the other side of the bathroom and leave a podcast on while I have a nice wash, and then I towel up and shuffle back to my room to finish listening.

So this week, I was sitting on my bed having just returned to my room and I was listening to the podcast when I spied a whisper gold on my table.

And then he says in brackets, other chocolate bars are available.

So he's doing the work for us there.

Thank you for that.

I had just started eating the chocolate when there was a knock at the door.

I froze.

Suddenly, I realized I was completely naked, eating chocolate, listening to Adam and Joe.

My mum, having no concept of the point of knocking, threw open the door and stepped in.

You can imagine the embarrassment that ensued.

Me, sat in front of a laptop, listening to Adam and Joe with a half-eaten chalk bar in my hand.

Eyes like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

She simply gasped at my nudity and turned around.

As she left the room, I shouted after her,

That's right, Mum!

This is what I do now!

I'm not entirely sure why.

We laughed about it later.

Thanks much, Sam Nichols.

Thanks a lot for that.

I just thought I'd read that out as a nice little image.

That's a couple of curious things about that.

How old is that man?

21.

Your mum seeing you naked at 21?

Is that slightly odd?

Yeah, very odd.

Odds?

When was the last time your mum saw you naked?

Well, not for a very long time.

Do you think there should be a national nude day?

No.

You don't think so?

You don't think it would clear up a lot of mysteries?

Oh no, those are the mysteries I don't want.

Come to work nude?

No thanks.

Do you think?

Why not?

Are you afraid of something?

No, I think... Have you got something to hide?

What?

saggy butox yes of course man breast obviously i've got something to hide i don't want to walk around nude if i was some kind of a donus not like lord adonis who cruelly is rather an unattractive man but i you should go

You know, if I was sexy, of course I'd walk around nude.

This is nonsense.

Let's play some more music.

Hang on.

The other thing is that's an ambitious bath.

Laptop in the bath?

No, he made a point of saying he puts it at the other end of the bathroom.

I was talking to someone on the phone, and he was on the phone in the bath with his laptop in the bath.

What?!

That's ambitious, isn't it?

That's irresponsible.

It got me thinking, what's the most ambitious you've ever been with a bath?

Ambitious.

Do you know what I mean in terms of stuff to do in there?

Well, like, put a little mini Hadron Collider in there.

Yeah, other than wash.

Oh, what's the most ambitious?

That's a good question.

Trying to multitask in the bath.

Because, you know, I've never used my laptop in the bath.

I'd be terrified that the steam would break it.

Yeah, but people do.

That's moronic.

Anyway, just one.

Interesting question, though.

Things you've done in multitasking in the bath.

We'd love to hear your thoughts, listeners.

64046 is the text.

And you can email us.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Here's some great music.

This is in this viral cover.

That was the Inspiral Carpets with This Is How It Feels.

That was an accurate evocation of how it feels to be lonely, Joe.

Really?

Yeah, and how it feels when your life means nothing at all.

God.

It's Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

I think it's time that we got into this week's... Text the Nation!

Here's the jingle!

Text the Nation!

Text!

Text the Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Now I'm a small man, listeners, a small, hairy, angry man, and I tend to get into confrontations with authority on a fairly regular basis.

I've spoken before on this programme about confrontations that I've had with parking wardens.

Incidentally, I heard this sketch on the Mitchell and Webb sound on Radio 4 this week, which was kind of a bizarre apologia, is that the word, for parking wardens.

The premise of the sketch was like,

some guy going in and having a meeting, and he was a parking warden, and it was a meeting in the Ministry of having to stick up pointlessly for your job or something like that.

And so it started off with him saying all the obvious things that are annoying about parking wardens, and the panel was saying, you know, what's the point of your job?

And then he basically listed all the useful things about parking wardens.

Was that David Mitchell?

It was both of them.

Right.

And it was all the, I mean, I don't know who the sketch was written by, but it was just a big long list of why you do need parking restrictions.

That sounds like a Mitchell sketch to me.

It's the way he thinks.

Because he gets, presumably he gets irritated by people moaning about parking wardens and he goes, well, actually, you know, they're doing an important job.

But I just thought, obviously they're doing an important job.

Yes, you need parking restrictions.

The reason people get in rucks with these kinds of people is generally because in specific instances, they're behaving like toilet bowls and you get very frustrated and you feel powerless.

Yes, right.

It's true.

So that's that's by way of excusing the following anecdote, because, you know, it's always possible that I behave like a toilet bowl in these situations.

Anyway, over the summer, right, I was doing a little bit of work at Teddington Studios, beautiful Teddington, and I would cycle there every morning.

And right at the end of my cycle, I'd go across Richmond Park.

There was a little bridge to get across the river to get to Teddington Studios, right.

And it was a pedestrian footbridge thing.

And basically it was clear that if there were other people walking on the footbridge, the best thing to do would not be to cycle across it, right?

Because it was fairly narrow.

So if there were people on this footbridge, I would always get off my bike and wheel it across.

But then one morning I arrived at the footbridge, no one on the footbridge, right?

And I was pretty late as well.

So I just cruised right across.

Right at the end of the footbridge, a couple was just starting to walk onto the bridge, so I slowed right down.

How wide is this bridge?

I would say... How wide is this bridge?

How wide is that?

Like two metres?

Something like that?

Yeah, yeah.

It's decent.

You've got, like, passing... Room for a bike and a couple to pass without any friction.

Well, no, you'd have to... I mean, I would say... You'd have to give way.

You'd have to give way, yeah.

So anyway, so I slowed right down and I kind of pulled over to one side to let the couple pass, and then I carried on down.

And there was a young community police officer at the other end, right?

And he's got all his gear on, and he's got his mirror shades on, and he's absolutely loving being a community police officer.

And he's on his bike as well.

So he holds up his hand, stop, loser.

And he must have been about, I mean, he was young, you know, he was like about 27, something.

So he goes, I think, oh, here we go.

He goes, stop, please.

Um, any idea why I stopped you, sir?

That old chestnut, you know, and you're like, oh, here we go.

I can't believe it.

So I was like, no, no, no.

Any idea at all why I might have stopped you there?"

And it's like, I said, could you tell me why you stopped me?

They shouldn't.

They should be stopped from starting conversations like that, shouldn't they?

Yeah.

Because it infers.

It's such a patronising place to start a conversation from.

It's absolutely infuriating.

And I said, listen, I'm really sorry.

I'm in a hurry.

Could you please tell me what I did wrong?

He said, right, step off your bike, please, sir.

And it's like, ah, he's deliberately like, he knows I'm in a hurry, he can see I'm frustrated.

He's deliberately like slowing everything down, making it as maddening as possible.

So I get off my bike.

I'm like, okay, can you, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry if I'm like a little jittery.

I'm really late.

I really want to go.

Could you just please tell me what I did wrong?

I can avoid doing it again in the future, is what I said, right?

So this guy says, I've got any ID on you, please.

Oh my goodness.

So I get out my ID.

I'm like, can you please, you know, can you please tell me what I did wrong?

Have you got a giant beard at this stage?

Not giant, like a normal beard.

Normal one, cool.

And he's still wearing his mirror shades.

I say, can you take your sunglasses off, please?

So he takes his sunglasses off, right?

And he's looking at me and he's like, right, so, shall I tell you why I stopped?

I was like, yes, please, that would be great.

You were cycling on the footbridge there, so I was like, yeah, I was cycling on the footbridge, what's the problem?

There's no cycling on the footbridge.

I was like, right, but, all right, I won't do it again.

He's like, did you see the couple there, sir?

And I was like, yeah, I did, they were right at the end.

Like, well, you made no attempt to get off your bike when you were cycling across the footbridge.

I was like, no, because there was no one on the footbridge.

There was no one there, so I was not endangering anyone.

Yeah, you made no attempt to get off your bike.

I know, I just said that I made no attempt to get off my bike because there was no one on the footbridge.

Cut a long story short, he gives me a ticket.

30 quid.

Is it a £30 fine?

£30 on the spot fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unbelievable.

I said, do you give tickets to every single person you see on a bike?

Because you see loads of people cycling on this footbridge, right?

Even when there's a lot of people on there.

I said, do you ticket every single person you see on a bike?

He said, no, I use my discretion.

But why do you use your discretion now for someone who cycled across the footbridge with no one on the footbridge?

I wasn't saying it like that.

You were thinking that.

But I was thinking that.

I wanted to throttle him.

And I was thinking, I'm just going to get on my bike and cycle away.

And there's going to be a bike chase.

And I was thinking, you know, I would I would cycle off and I'd get into work and there would be this.

And they would end up in a film studio like classic bike chases and you'd be weaving between people in costumes carrying big props.

Oh, yes.

And I was thinking, could I lose the community police officer if I'm on my bike?

And then I just thought, no, life's too short.

It would escalate into a huge international manhunt.

I just couldn't believe.

I said, you are a disgrace.

So this is the subject of Text the Nation is run-ins you've had with petty officialdom.

Petty officialdom, an authority of that kind.

I had a similar thing on a train, which I'll tell you about.

We're talking about security guards in shops.

community police support officers real policemen could we talk about that sure anyone in a position of authority infuriating run-ins with with petty officialdom I had a very similar thing along the embankment on my bike with two community police support officers cycling along a totally empty pavement and they pulled over in their van and told me to get off the bike

Yeah.

I wasn't in the way of anybody.

And it was by a very dangerous main road.

And so I said to them, I said, God, this is, you know, this is really stupid and a waste of your time.

How did they respond?

They looked angry.

They looked as if they're about to ticket me.

And then I said, how much is the fine?

Is it 10 pounds?

Because I've been thinking about it for a while, I thought I'd just pay it.

You know, I'd almost pay £10 for the pleasure of being able to cycle, for, you know, like a ticket to cycle on the pavement.

It's like only £2 more than the congestion charge.

They looked as if they were going to bust me, but then I backpedaled and went, but, you know, you're only following the rules and I'm breaking them, so that's fine.

I tried that.

I tried to squirm out of my fine, but this guy was absolutely, you know, he decided that Buckley's needed a ticket.

That's infuriating.

Did you take his number?

Because that's the thing to do after the G20 protests, right?

When they're all hiding their numbers.

Now you go, I want to take your number and you write it down.

I think I did that, but then I just can't be bothered.

Give him the willies.

Say the flipping fire.

So text us on... What's the text number?

64046.

With your stories of run-ins, with officialdom, petty officialdom, security guards, any kind of person in a position of power who abuses it.

Now here's a track from, is this guy called Mike Snow, but he spelled it with two I's?

Mike Snow.

Is that right?

Meekay, probably.

Meekay Snow.

This is Black and Blue.

Meekay Snow with Black and Blue.

Joe Cornish, unprofessional, next door, as the song finishes.

Here he comes.

What were you doing?

Just getting some things.

Getting some things.

Some bath stuff, we got some good bath stuff, I printed it out.

We were chatting about baths and someone pointed out, I was ranting earlier on about how I don't think there's any reason to have a meal on the pavement outside a restaurant and I was speculating that it would be absurd to have a cocktail bar and a public toilet.

Someone's emailed and said there is one up in sort of Hoxton area.

But I don't think it's a fully functioning public toilet.

I think it used to be a public toilet.

They've converted into a bar.

There's a similar thing.

There's a comedy club in Shepherd's Bush that's similar to that, I think.

But you can't have, like, weeing and cocktails shaking going on in close proximity.

Well, but then our producer James pointed out that bars in pools, in swimming pools.

Oh, yeah.

There's probably a lot of that goes on.

No, but if it does happen, well, you think people are sat there in the pool bar.

Well, we were saying that when I was young, the idea of a bar in a swimming pool seemed to me like the height of sophistication and luxury.

And amazing to be honest.

And it is.

I've been on my honeymoon.

I've been in one.

But then you could imagine that James, our producer, was talking about when he went to and there was a man sitting there sort of propping up the bar, so to speak, and he'd been there a long time.

He was just a drunken man.

He was drinking a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it would be very easy just to let one.

Certainly the temptation is not to get out of the pool and go to the lab.

If the water's a little bit warmer around the bar.

door one.

But we were asking about ambitious baths, stuff you've tried to do in the bath, you know, just to make it a bit more interesting.

Here's an email from Vicky Fabry in London.

My boyfriend, early on in the relationship I was being moody so when I arrived at his house he said, let's have a bath.

A fairly usual Saturday night activity for both of us that usually involves the weekend papers.

Special bath.

And they've got a big bath or do you think they just cram in together?

yeah i mean that is in our bath that would not be a good idea conventional bath anyway when i went up to the bathroom however i found a laptop my projector and a bed sheet held vertically taught on two poles so that we could watch a movie in the bath i'm a big film fan he generally hates them

This is already a pretty good feat in itself and an unusually romantic gesture for him.

But on top of that, the bath didn't stay warm for long and we ran out of hot water so my boyfriend got the camping stove, heated the camping kettle next to the bath and topped it up whilst simultaneously watching the film.

He's the best boyfriend in the world!

It's pretty incredible, isn't it?

And there's probably popcorn floating on the surface of the water as well.

Do you think that would be nice though after about half an hour?

be awful, wouldn't it?

It started being kind of horrible.

Surely because you'd get pruney and... Well say you just feel weird, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I think half an hour is probably tops for a bath, isn't it?

Definitely.

Watch some cartoons or something.

But committing to setting up a whole film with a projector and everything.

Yes, it was high-mat as well.

It was showa, watching it in the bath.

Here's another one about ambitious baths from Jimmy in Glasgow.

Twas in my lazy student days and I was spending a Sunday afternoon relaxing in the bath but relaxing meant taking the radio in so that I could listen to that afternoon's football match as well as the TV so I could watch one of those generic results programs to keep up to date with all matches and as it was Saturday afternoon listening to football I had a few beers and smoked a few fags.

in the bath.

Is that classy?

And we should remind younger listeners it's very dangerous to bring electrical appliances that are connected to the mains into the bathroom.

Obviously.

I mean that is absolutely lethal.

But that's a pretty impressive bath there for James.

To say nothing of drinking and smoking which is also extremely bad for you.

That's disgusting.

And we would never encourage it here at the castle.

Right, here's a free play for you now, listeners.

This is the Pixies.

They're going to be in town soon, playing gigs that are already sold out.

And I failed to get myself a ticket.

I'm going to try and wangle my way in.

Do you reckon I can do it?

Yeah, you can try and do some wangling.

This is from their album Bossa Nova, and it's a lovely song that always makes me feel as if I'm on holiday when I'm listening to it.

Have a leaner.

Pixies with javelina.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC six music.

It's just gone 10 30s time for the news Good stuff.

That's heads will roll from the yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

That's from their very good album.

It's blitz That came out this year, right?

Feels like it's been around longer than that

Well, it's such classic sounds.

It's an absolute classic sound.

From the sound like they're from the path.

It's one of the albums of the year.

It's going to be topping the poles.

One of my albums of the year.

It's on top of my pole.

Is it?

Or regularly.

Is it spinning around on top of your pole?

Yeah.

That's going to be happening shortly though, isn't it?

It's nearly the end of the year.

All the poles are going to be coming out.

God.

Oh my gosh.

Shall we have some textination?

Sure.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email, is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Text the Nation this week is all about run-ins with petty officialdom, security guards, people who've been given some spurious type of power wherever they work or in some kind of public space and who try and... Well, sometimes actual power backed up by law.

Yeah, no spurious.

It's always spurious.

And yeah, who try and ruin your life by using it, right?

Yeah, especially times where they perhaps wield their power unfairly and times where they could use their discretion and don't, you know what I mean?

Here's one from Felix.

I once got cross in B&Q when I realised a security guard was following me, so I began to follow him.

That'll teach him to think I'm gonna nick stuff, I thought.

So we set off up and down the aisles.

Ha!

Deal with this, Mr. Guard!

Eventually he stopped, so I stopped too.

Then he asked me if I was following him.

Uh, no!

Why would I be, I said.

I was just looking for this.

And I left and had to buy an attachment for a garden hose.

But I didn't have.

What a bun hole.

Love from Felix.

That's quite good.

They really annoy me, security guards in shops.

Yeah.

Because they do a sort of biological determinism.

Is that a phrase?

Yes, it is.

Where they just make a judgment on your appearance and decide to follow you.

It's future crime.

It's minority reports.

Right.

It's like when the police film protesters at a protest, just in case they do anything in the future.

I don't think it should be allowed.

No.

I think it's the slippery slope.

physical profiling well you know that's like the sus laws isn't it I'm extrapolating quite wildly there from a minor instant in a record shop I like the way you brought in minority reports as well but that's a good way that's a very good way to turn the tables don't you think yeah do a bit of following I've done that myself yes it's not a good idea business why not

Because it always ends in tears, it ends up with you feeling like, what do you think the best case scenario, how's that gonna end?

You know, with the guy sort of saying, listen, I'm sorry.

I've realised now that you've followed me that I... With him bursting into tears and stripping off his uniform and saying, I'm gonna get a proper job.

Yeah, yeah.

Here is another one from I believe an anonymous texter.

I was once exhaustively upbraided by an officer from the transport police for the crime of aiming a kick in the general direction of the train I'd just missed.

Despite the train being several yards away, I was apparently quote, endangering life on the railway.

No, just a random air kick in frustration.

Sounds like it.

That is classic.

I would go absolutely ballistic if I got upgraded on that one.

Here's one from Nate in Harrogate.

I was in WH Smith's, other news agents are available, reading a magazine.

I scratched my nose and then carried on turning the pages.

She told me not to lick my fingers and turn pages due to health and safety.

She, I assume, is someone who works there.

I explained, but she insisted I was lying, and she said she saw me do it.

I was furious, being ticked off for scratching your nose, then turning a page.

Well, sometimes, I mean, you're not really supposed to read the mags, though, are you?

Oh, well, you read those newspapers.

Uncle Cornholes.

Cornholes has gone bonkers.

Where are we?

What day is it?

About right.

No, those W.H.

Smiths, they wouldn't have any business if you couldn't flick through the mags.

Right, right.

News agents generally, you've got to be able to flick through the mags, but it's a tricky area.

And they often come and watch you while you're doing it to make sure you don't take the free frithby.

A brief flick is absolutely fine.

I mean, that's a good rule for life in general, but... A little piece of bogey comes out.

Yeah, exactly.

That's bad.

Awesome spit or drool.

Yes.

Falls onto the picture of Jordan.

Yes.

Then that's no good.

The free CDs on most of those magazines, like Mojo, they're held on with bogeys anyway, aren't they?

That's true, yeah, industrial bogeys.

Industrial bogeys.

Anyway, keep those coming in, your run-ins with petty officialdom, 64046 is the text number that emails adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Good news, Joe.

What?

It's Monsters of Folk time.

Wizard?

Here's Say Please.

Monsters of Folk.

That is their new single, Say Please, which is out on Monday.

Their debut album, Monsters of Folk, was released this week on Rough Trade.

It's quite a good name, don't you think?

Yeah, Monsters of Folk, certainly.

There's a nice cover.

One of them looks like Peter Sellers.

Exactly like Peter Sellers with glasses and a little beard there.

It's bizarre.

You can catch them at Troxi in London on November the 17th.

And the band consists of three, it's like a supergroup, right?

Hence the name, most of the folk.

Members from three separate bands, Bright Eyes.

Oh, there you go, that's why it looks familiar.

That's Connor Oberst.

But there's four faces in the photo.

My Morning Jacket and M Ward as well.

What's going on there, James?

The band consists of members from three separate bands.

Oh, I see.

Two of them are from one band.

Two from My Morning Jacket, I think.

And M Ward, I like M Ward very much.

So there you go, that was good stuff, wasn't it?

Now, oh my goodness, I just, I just threw my playlist over in a cavalier where it knocked over my butt, left water.

Shall I lob it at the window now?

No, don't lob it at the window, it's not that sort of show.

Is that Yobish?

That's Yobish, yes, place it in the recycling thing.

I really want to lob it now.

Give it to me.

I'm going to lob it at the window.

Why?

I know, it's just for fun.

Because I can.

It's no good, is it?

It's not good, it's not ripe for this program.

You've ruined this program.

You really have.

They even got some water on the window there.

What's wrong?

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

I'm out of control.

I feel alive.

I was on the tube this morning, right?

This is unrelated.

But what's your favorite?

Tube announcement.

Can you think?

Think of any offhand.

No.

I like.

Ladies and gentlemen, Blackfriars Station is closed for refurbishment until late 2011.

11?

I like the way they give you a date.

Yeah.

In case you want to wait.

Yeah.

I can wait.

Well, it's useful for other reasons.

All right.

Late 2011.

I'll just look at my watch.

Yeah, I can wait.

uh and the other one i heard was mob large station is closed all weekend this is due to planned engineering works it's okay it's planned it's all been planned this is turning into a sort of a um sort of civic moaning is it is it fair enough that's what you call the moaning show

Like run-ins with petty officialdom.

I know.

I'm getting it all off my chest.

It's good though.

One weekend.

I'm just going to have some melon.

Do you mind?

Go on, have your melon.

You chat away.

The thing is that normally I'm on my bike, right?

So I avoid all these things.

I don't come into contact with too many irritating aspects of modern life.

But I haven't got my bike because of my arms or Mangaloid.

So I've been going on the tube and stuff.

Planned engineering works.

What I'd like to hear is someone saying, uh, sorry we've closed the station due to some improvised engineering work.

Probably closer to the truth, I would imagine.

And finally, a bit of pop-o-priation.

Which we haven't had for a very long time.

No, that's true.

Have we even got the jingle, James, just to pad this little bit out?

No.

No, we haven't.

I didn't give you fair warning.

That's fair enough.

The next stop is Oxford Circus.

Please remember to take your litter with you.

When you hear that, do you not always sing a little bit of Crowded House?

Everywhere you go, you always take your litter with you.

That's good.

Don't you get that?

No.

Finished your melon?

Yes.

Got a free play?

I do, actually.

This is Della Sol.

It's from the bonus disc of the reissue of Three Feet High and Rising, so it's probably a B-side.

But it's a little conversation.

And when was that album, 89?

Three Feet High and Rising, 89, yeah.

Yeah, it's a conversation between a child and the members of Della Sol about the values of hip-hop.

Yeah, so a little bit dated, but a curio.

Delicious.

Here it is.

Rick James with Super Freak.

I keep thinking that he's going to do the chorus a bit more, though, you know?

He doesn't really do, he saves it up for the end.

It's too sexy and overpowering.

I like the way he sings.

I think everyone should sing like that.

I'm glad everyone doesn't sing like that.

Shall we?

What are we doing here?

Oh yeah, we're going to talk about our competition listeners.

If you were listening.

Our non-petition.

Yeah, if you were listening to the show last week, you might have heard us announce an extraordinarily exciting competition that climaxes at the Electric Proms that are happening here in London next month.

And we announced last week a competition and the prize of which was for you to join us on stage at the Electric Proms.

It's a kind of a karaoke thing.

Basically, what we wanted you to do is send in little audition tapes of yourselves singing along to a couple of our Song Wars songs.

We've uploaded instrumental versions of Joe's Quantum of Solace song and My Nutty Room song on our blog, and the lyrics are there and everything.

So all you have to do is sing over the backing track

video yourself doing it, send us a link to the site, and you could be in the running to join us at the Electric Crop.

What could be simpler?

But listen to what happened, listeners.

So we launched this last Saturday.

Yesterday Adam and I got emails from our producer.

Nothing, nothing ever.

Not a single entry.

Over the six days that have elapsed, not one person in the British Isles has decided to film themselves karaoke-ing, karaoke-ing our song wars and send it in.

But before you think, well, that's no surprise, you two are a couple of idiot holes on what kind of idiot hole we are to your show anyway.

We had a far more creative competition last year, was it?

our Video Wars competition where listeners had to actually make a video for our Song Wars songs.

And we got, well, hundreds would be a lie, but over a hundred entries for that.

Yeah.

So we know we do have very creative and inventive listeners.

So we're trying to figure out what's gone wrong with this competition.

What have we done wrong?

Joe's theory was that maybe people that listen to this show and feel moved to get in touch with us are not sufficient.

They're not like exhibitionists people.

That came out wrong.

Yeah, but they're not like X Factor type people, you know, they're not like song and dance mice.

Yeah, I mean, I feel for them.

I'm not a big fan of public performance either.

I like being on the radio, you know, where I just imagine no one's listening, but the idea of getting up in front of an audience and performing.

Yeah, terrifies me as well and I think maybe a lot of our listeners are artistic types who like to, you know, go back into their burrows and express themselves in other media.

Yeah, yeah.

Rather than bear themselves.

That was problem number one.

Snag number two, this event happens during the day on a weekday.

Do you really think that would have put people off?

Yeah, because if you're at school or if you have a job or you don't live in London, you cannot participate.

I see.

Were you to win.

Yeah, yeah.

So there's less motivation, right?

So those two things combined, and is it complicated for people to video things and upload it to sites?

No.

No, it's very easy.

So that's not the problem.

No.

So listeners, we're hoping that by telling you that nobody has entered.

Five years ago, we would have lied.

We would have made up some people.

We would have said,

The competition's going really well.

We've had well over 60 of us.

Very funny stuff coming in.

So keep those entries coming in and we'll announce the winner.

And then we would have faked up like one guy.

We would have got a friend of ours to do it.

And we would have said, the winner is Timmy Michaels.

Congratulations, Timmy.

Slipped him.

Can't we still do that?

Slipped him a fiver.

Why can't we still do that?

We would have faked up the whole thing.

Taken some pictures.

Wouldn't be a big problem.

Not now.

Can't do that anymore.

We have to do it for real.

Damn.

So if you're not going to help us out, we're going to end up looking like Wollies.

Well, we're going to end up looking like Wollies anyway.

The whole thing's going to be a big explosion of walletism.

Here's one thing, right?

One incentive.

Look at it this way.

it's very it's at the moment very easy to win this conference yeah that's the thing it's an open goal no one else is even playing yeah so all you have to do is carry the ball over to the goal and set it down and you've scored you've scored you get to hang out with us uh in the whole afternoon we're gonna have this fun party at the electric proms

Don't laugh like that!

I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to it as well.

I'm just wondering how exciting that would be for people to hang out with us in a fun party.

Nobody will be fun.

Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

I'm gonna try and cash in my neck to points.

I don't know if that's... The points party.

I think I'm gonna try and do the points party.

I think there's a lot of interest in the event.

There are people that want to turn up, to spectate, but in terms of people who actually want to perform a song or song, zero, nothing, nil.

We're gonna do a little show Joe and myself are gonna sing some of our song songs.

Yeah, I'm committing to that.

All right I'm definitely gonna do that and you can back out but it's gonna be fun.

So come on folks.

Don't be shy.

I'm probably gonna be away By you before yeah, so I'm probably gonna have just like land you can say the day before no I'll do I'll sing maybe dr. Sexy sing dr. Sexy.

We'll bring some videos along.

It'll be fun.

We're gonna have a fun

And don't be scared.

If you're a shy listener, don't be scared.

We'll be very supportive.

We'll sing with you.

We'll help you to the loo and up onto the stage.

Exactly.

We'll spoon-feed you baby food and stuff.

So go to our blog right now, bbc.co.uk, slash blogs, slash Adam and Jo, and find out more.

All the details are up there.

Everything you need to get involved.

Don't be shy.

It's going to be fun.

Music time right now.

This is LCD sound system with Daft Punk is playing in my house.

Was it?

Go down.

That's LCD sound system Daft Punk is playing at my house.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Joe, did you see the conclusion of Alone in the Wild on Channel 4?

I didn't.

I've seen none of it.

And we were talking about this three weeks ago when the series kicked off.

I was under the impression that it was going to be like a six-part series.

I mean, that's how many parts was it three?

Yeah, there's a lot of three parties is there the choir was three parts right the choir unsung town Uh-huh, which I've been enjoying but yeah, what's the deal?

Do you think they they get halfway?

Do you think they're shooting for a series but they haven't got enough stuff?

They don't want to commit they don't want to commit six is a big commitment if it's a flop then they're stuck with it Do you know what?

I mean that after they have to move it around the schedules just cowardliness

Cowardliness.

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, I think the deal with Alone in the Wild, though, was surely... I mean, I might be totally wrong.

I don't know about this, but surely they were shooting for a longer series, like a six-parter or something, hoping that they would get a lot out of this guy.

And then he pressed the emergency button.

Ed, yeah.

But by program three, it was just wall-to-wall sobbing.

I mean, I had a point to make anyway about the amount of crying from men on television, which is getting way out of hand.

Did you see On Thin Ice, like before we went off for our break?

Ben Vogel and James Cracknell, and the show was called On Thin Ice.

Yes.

Was Fogle himself crying?

Yeah, everyone was crying.

Fogle did a lot of crying.

Well, Fogle does really push himself.

He was seriously ill at one stage, wasn't he?

He got frostbite on his nose.

No, but he was properly seriously ill.

He had some weird wasting virus or bug that he caught in the jungle.

Yeah, do you remember?

I think it was pretty serious.

Oh, dear.

So he's very vulnerable generally.

He is.

He shouldn't go out into the Arctic then.

He loves it, though.

He absolutely loves pushing himself.

Or does he?

Because he spends most of his time sobbing.

Like, it doesn't take much to set him off.

But on thin ice, Ben Fogel was very worried about, he got frostbite on his nose, right?

I'm really worried about my nose.

I can't stop thinking about my nose.

I'm so worried about my nose.

Cut to Fogel with massive bandage over his nose.

And then, like, long shots of, uh, he would get upset because Kratnall was a bit of a bully.

He would bully the other random guy.

Kratnall.

Sarah Kratnall.

No, not Sarah.

Uh, James.

Uh... I don't know.

Is he a rower?

James Kratnall?

Something like that.

Some sports figure.

They got him out there.

And there's all these people going out into the wilderness, into the extremes, you know, generally men, young men in their 30s or 40s, and it's hard to tell why they're doing it.

I think there was some charity connection with Vogel on thin ice.

I'm not sure about that.

There's absolutely no question of it being a charitable adventure or venture for a long while.

Was this a Be The Water Castle production?

On thin ice, I think, was a big British castle thing.

Alone in the Wild was Channel 4.

And there was no question about it being charity.

It was just about this guy pushing himself, testing himself.

Ed, he was called.

And he went out there to British Columbia, I think.

Crying's fun, though.

It's good for men to cry.

But he was crying non-stop.

literally non-stop throughout the whole, literally by the third program, all they had left, presumably, to make this show was footage of the guy- When was the last time you cried?

I was close to it last weekend when- With the elbow?

With my elbow really hurting.

But I didn't actually sob.

I cry when I watch The Choir Unsung Town every week, like a little baby.

Right.

Because it's so moving.

Yeah.

The sound of like, do you ever see that, James, the producer?

I wonder if any listeners watch that programme with Gareth, the hermaphrodite choirmaster.

He's brilliant.

And he's got this whole, what's it called South?

Oxley.

He's got this whole town doing a choir.

And there's something terribly moving about different people from different walks of life.

It's a bit like the retro-tex the nation jingle.

Sure it is.

Different people of different ages, children.

Old people, black, white, yellow, all singing in a beautiful noise.

Inspiring stuff.

Really inspiring.

You know what, I was close to tears.

And it's a real weepy, they've got it, they've really nailed it.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not just, it's a sort of classy X factor in that everyone's got a story and then everything is, you know, the singing is hugely cathartic and everyone sobs.

And it's finished now, is it?

It just did the third one.

Yeah, well, we watched it, recorded, so it was out on Tuesday nights, I think last week they did the last one.

very powerful but I cry happily I love it do you my face really contorts I like trying to hold it in

The bottom lip goes.

Do your throat hurt?

Spasm, yes.

Very painful throat, yeah.

But then I love it when it finally gushes out.

Wow, you let it gush out.

I do.

Do you make sounds?

No, because I'm usually sitting behind my girlfriend and I don't want her to know.

Oh, sure you don't.

Because she's on the floor, I'm on the sofa, I don't want her to know.

That was quite good, wasn't it?

Stupid programme.

A very sloppy programme.

Do you want a biscuit?

Oh God!

Oh Gareth!

I don't know what gender you are but I love you!

I think he's LaRue's sister.

Do you cover your face when you cry?

Not unless she looks.

Ed Wardle was not covering his face at all.

And when he was alone in the wild, he was in the Canadian wilderness there and everything was setting him off.

I mean, he was physically at the end of his tether, right?

He'd been out there for 50 days.

He was very hungry.

He's malnourished.

So I'm not saying he had nothing to cry about, even though he was out there for no good reason.

But he was absolutely sobbing and then he got like, he got letters, that thing they do on, I'm a celebrity.

They always do that, yes.

Letters from your family.

Had some letters.

They do that on, sorry to keep steamrolling, they do that on that Channel 4 thing.

Shipwrecked.

That sets them off every time.

Really does, they have to hand them to a friend to read.

Picture of the girlfriend.

And then he goes at the end, they'd slipped a picture in that he didn't expect, picture it like a picture of himself as a little boy with his mum.

Sometimes on shipwrecked, the person's only got to the island the day before when the letter comes.

And they still break down.

Yeah.

I mean, letters from mummy are very powerful anyway.

Sure.

Handwritten letters from mummy and daddy.

But he couldn't stop crying.

And then eventually when he pressed the emergency button and they airlifted him out of there, he called time on the whole project.

And then cut to him filming himself in this little hotel room crying.

Crying out at- I'm sat at a hotel and- Do you think we could do that, Sam?

Look at that chair!

That's just pointless, isn't it?

I'm telling.

I'm eating a chocolate bar.

I'm just coming from the most beautiful place in the world.

What's that point?

I'm at home.

Sobby.

I like the sound of it.

I think it sounds wickles.

I'm going to do a version of it, I think.

I want to think of whose mother we can get in touch and get her to write an emotional letter and then surprise them with it.

Someone you'd never expect to cry, like some hard as nails newsreader or somebody.

You could just slip them the letter.

Philip Sturtin.

Edward Sturtin.

There's something to think about anyway.

Flaming Lips time.

It's this weird song.

Do you like it?

Can you remember this one from last week?

Yeah, I quite enjoyed this.

I quite enjoyed it.

Love it.

Absolutely love it.

Silver Trembling Hands, it's called.

It's good, isn't it, basically.

That's Silver Trembling Hands with the Flaming Lips.

They've made an effort to make it sound different and they should be applauded.

They should be applauded.

I'm going to applaud them right now.

That's out on the 12th of October, taken from their latest album, Embryonic, which is released in the same week.

They're touring the UK from the 10th to the 17th of November, incidentally.

And the video, fun fact, for I Can Be a Frog, their follow-up single, is available to watch online now!

And it features Carano from the Ye Ye Years on backing vocals.

Cool.

Let's have some text-the-nation fun.

And it's all about run-ins with petty officialdom.

This week, here's a text we had from Carl with an E. How would you say that, Carl with an E?

When at school, aged 15, the police saw me cycle on the pavement going home for lunch.

They flashed their lights.

I ignored them.

on the return journey, I was doing the same when the same police car went past.

Rather than immediately stop, they continued past and into school.

They were chasing him at this point.

They drove over four pitches to cut me off at the pass.

I dumped my bike and they chased me into school and read me the riot act.

all a bit over the top considering said path is now a cycle path after the road was deemed too dangerous to cycle on.

I was a hero for a day and actually was clapped by 1500 school children who had chased the car through the school.

Observations on how dangerous the police car was at 30 miles an hour in the middle of the school fell on deaf ears.

That's like a scene from a Spielberg film or something.

That's insane, isn't it?

That's fantastic.

Carly is a dude.

Here's one from Mr. Kidney in Glasgow.

Is he a mega-dude, do you think?

Well, no, he would have said if he was a mega-dude.

Maybe he's just modest.

I bet he's a mega-dude.

I was given a £50 fine by the litter enforcers in Glasgow when my three-year-old son dropped some crisps on the pavement.

By the time they'd finished writing the fine and given me a lecture on parenting, some pigeons had eaten the crisps.

Well, the actual crisps, not the packet.

Yeah, that's what Mr Kidney is saying.

Where are these people the enforcers wear when you need them?

They're just terribly bored.

You know when people are like brazenly throwing packets on the ground and stuff like that?

They don't go up to those people, do they?

Just target the people who aren't really doing anything.

It's broken Britain.

Here's one from Karen.

Hi Adam and Joe.

I was in a zoo in Mexico City looking at a giraffe.

The security guard said I wasn't allowed to view it from that position.

I had to move two meters to the right.

I replied that it wasn't difficult to see the animal from whichever position.

He wasn't impressed.

Wow.

That's high levels of official officiousness isn't it?

I'll tell you what it is John.

I'll tell you exactly what it is.

PC gone mad.

Is PC gone completely mad?

I'm a photographer and come up against petty officialdom a lot more these days, the moment I take out a camera on the street.

The worst was in Paternoster Square near St Paul's Cathedral.

Other squares are available.

I was photographing a businessman for a business magazine and decided to take a couple of shots of him walking towards the camera from about 10 metres back.

The man had a few minutes left before having to leave.

I have a camera on a tripod and a bloke in a private security guard get up, complete with bright yellow jacket and walkie talkie stands in front of my camera.

He said I could be doing hostile reconnaissance.

And it won't move.

Now, this is a big deal, right?

Because lots of professional photographers have signed a petition saying that police in general are abusing anti-terrorism laws.

Exactly.

And it's actually a big deal amongst the photographic community.

Technically, you're not allowed because generally the pavement is owned by the council and they're allowed to refuse you the right to take photographs.

But that's ridiculous, isn't it?

And that's the kind of thing that the entire country should take up pickaxes and flaming brands and just kick out whoever tries to do that.

Joe Brands, they should pick them all up and sort them out.

Definitely.

There's another good one here.

I was in Morrison's buying a Gabby Logan workout DVD, £2 bargain basement.

I got to the checkout and the cashier dude noticed, just a dude by the way, noticed there was no age certificate on the DVD and started rambling that he should really ID me for the item but maybe I wasn't the age you should be, maybe they shouldn't be selling the item at all.

Saucy Gabby Logan.

I explained that it was a workout DVD, not hardcore Gabby Logan porn.

You never know.

I like reading that phrase.

He then proceeded to discuss the issue with every single worker at the store.

I left, I'm 26, Claire in Oxford.

Oh for goodness sake.

That's ridiculous, isn't it?

That's unbelievable.

I would have gone absolutely ballistic at that point.

Can I read you one more?

Come on then.

Final one.

This is from Ben.

I was outside Leeds train station.

Me and my girlfriend were arguing not loudly in the station.

I'm not sure what it was about.

All of a sudden a community support officer walks over, demands my ID.

I refused and asked him what right he had to interrupt my conversation.

He looked shocked, then asked me to remain where I was.

I replied, you're going to go and get a real policeman, mate.

You're arresting me or detaining me.

He said back that he was detaining me.

However, I knew he had no right to.

I decided to try my luck and run for it.

With his girlfriend?

No, wait for it.

He chased.

I dived down the steps that led to the multi-storey car park, ran under the railway bridge and dived into the nearest pub.

I sat there with a pint of Tetley's while I watched the community support officer continually pacing round the surrounding area trying to find me.

My girlfriend was even more angry as she was detained and questioned by the police.

However, she didn't give my identity away.

In retrospect, I was a bit out of order.

That is a disastrous afternoon.

How are you going to get over that?

That's going to take a lot of- I like that they're dumping the girlfriend in it.

There's a certain amount of courage running away from the community police officer to get a pint whilst he gets arrested.

Because he's got to face it when he gets home.

I mean, that's braver than dealing with the officer.

Yeah, I guess.

These are good.

Thanks very much, listeners.

Here's a free play for you right now.

This is one of those songs, and it's by the Pogues, that I believe is a guaranteed floor filler in whatever situation you happen to find yourself in.

Even if it was like, it wouldn't matter what age the people on the dance floor were,

They would have to get with this song at some point.

It just does it will Smith with getting jiggy with it Will Smith with the pokes version.

No, it's not although that is one of those songs getting jiggy with it is one of those songs Don't stop till you get enough by Michael Jackson is one of those songs.

This is the pokes with Sally MacLennan Happy memories from when I was a cop in Baltimore.

We used to listen to that at the end of a long day me and the guys when we've been busting heads When we finished doing that

What's that a reference to?

I'm thinking of that Scorsese film with Leonardo DiCaprio.

It's the kind of thing that all cops do.

They do it a bit in The Wire.

They listen to the Pogues in The Wire.

Irish-American.

Yeah, that kind of thing.

Copage.

Cops love it.

Absolutely love it.

But that is an absolute smash of a song, though, isn't it?

And we just played it here on BBC Six Music.

This is Adam and Joe.

And Joe, I'm handing over to you for this date.

Are you?

Well, okay, okay, okay.

Look, I've been watching a lot of telly recently, right?

And do you ever find people saying cliched things that you wish would happen literally?

Like in makeover shows, there was a makeover show I was watching this week and they keep saying places have got the wow factor.

They go on and on about the wow factor.

But the other thing they say is this woman led a potential homeowner into a room and she said, it's got potential written all over it.

And I wished for a moment that they went into the room and the word potential was scrawled in blood

all over the walls of the room.

Do you know what I mean when you wish that something would happen literally?

Yeah.

There was also, there was another example of that.

Why does it have to be squalled in blood?

Well because it's, you know, it's a play on the word potential and the type of madness that would lead someone to actually write the word potential in blood.

You know that potential's been squandered in some horrible way.

So much so that they've done a killing and then written it in and that's what's happened in the house.

Do you know what I'm getting at sure sure sure you know it just evokes a lot of dementedness Mm-hmm dementia the other one is there was a famous review of Imelda Staunton's performance in the film Vera Drake that said Imelda Staunton's performance literally screams Oscar Remember that one yeah, I just wish that would happen literally as well

the film.

You know, that was a fairly literal translation of that feeling you get when you hear the name of the film in the film.

And when someone sort of says it, yeah.

That's all I've got, to be honest.

Is it?

That's all I've got.

I just wrote those two things down.

I was trying to help you by talking about protocol.

You were doing well, but it was sort of straying out of the area of the subject.

Well, what was it straying with being literal?

Well, I don't really know what links those two things that I said.

When Goldie Horn says protocol and the little bell goes off.

I think it's when someone says something stupid that you wish would actually happen.

What about this, Joe?

What?

Well, you started off talking about the wow fact.

What was that?

I don't know.

I was just trying to get myself relaxed.

How about the word juj?

This has got the wow factor.

The word juj, what do you mean?

Juj.

I mean, when people say the word juj.

Oh, juj, something up.

Yeah.

On those makeovers.

This needs to be juj'd up.

Yeah, like a pile of juj.

Is that, can you have a pile of jej?

Well this is what I'm saying!

Well is jej an action or is it a thing?

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what you're saying.

Isn't it a new drink?

Could be a new drink.

Jej.

It should be really, shouldn't it?

Or a band.

A pile of je- a bag of jej.

Where does jej come from?

I think it comes from people's bottoms.

This is Adam and Jo.

More than one person.

Yeah, a number of people, they collect it.

It's 11.30, it's time for the news.

What a fantastic sound.

Teenage Fanclub with Sparky's Dream was released in 1995, taken from their album Grand Prix.

Sparky's Dream got to number 40 in the UK charts.

Smooth.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Let's have the made up jokes, Jingle James.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party

If you're a new listener to the show, this is an irregular section.

Irregular because it's kind of difficult, you know, to listen to and to read out a section of jokes sent in by our listeners.

And we kind of demand that they're made up, they're actually authored.

And it's very difficult actually to tell or test whether a joke is genuinely authored.

For instance, one of our favourite ones

Uh, my dog Minton ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton.

Is apparently a Tim Vine joke.

No.

Somebody sent in an email saying that.

You know, we were really enjoying that joke for weeks on end thinking it was the top of the tips and it had been made up by a brilliant listener.

It turns out it's a Tim Vine joke.

He's a joke machine, that guy.

So it's hard, you know, there's only a limited amount of wordplay and there's lots of people to make it.

Chestnuts, boasting in an open fire.

There was that whole incident.

The one joke we've had that we think is genuinely authored was the Anilinox.

Yeah.

One.

Anilinox.

You know what we're talking about if you're a regular listener.

I don't think anyone else had made that one up because it was just so tortured and convoluted.

So that's kind of what we're looking for.

Jokes that are so

peculiar and tortured, they could only ever have been authored by the listener.

I still like some of the simpler ones and what I've done is I've just entered the joke into a search engine, right, to see how many hits pop up.

And so these ones I've tested that way and they haven't popped up.

Really?

That's a good test.

Like I'll give you an example, right?

Here's a simple joke that made me chuckle that I couldn't find any reference for on Google.

This is from James Hewitt.

I think he's a regular contributor.

How much do they pay to play sport at Hogwarts?

now yeah yeah yeah yeah well yeah do you want me to say go on then uh a quidditch correct it's a quidditch it's good it's good it's good it's good but i just can't help thinking that would have been made up on the set of harry potter that's one that's why i don't care if it was made up on the set but it's a question of whether it's proliferated right and so i've put it but is it then is it a made up joke i put it into google he i believe that james made it up he made it up yeah

It was just, yeah, okay, cool, cool, good, good, good.

I'm not peddling good.

What have you got?

I've got, this is somebody called Katie Rogers from London.

Here are a few jokes my boyfriend Tarek has made up recently.

He's immensely proud of them and I've promised to try and be more supportive of his creations.

I'm only going to read one of them out.

the other one's too awful.

It often happens that couples submit jokes on behalf of the other member of the couple.

Yeah, we're doing a sort of marriage support service we're doing here.

What do mozzies eat for breakfast at Harrison Ford's house?

The mosquito toast.

Nice.

You see, now that's probably made up, isn't it?

Yeah.

Because it's a bit

Because it's a little lame.

It's a little bit lame.

But in a very sweet way, like a little lame boy.

It's a reference to a sort of good obscure film.

It's not that obscure.

Here's one from James Wright in Cheltenham.

He says, I came up with this whilst buying some bike bits for my girlfriend.

Here we go.

What do you call a cycling rapper?

Panier West.

Oh, you know, that is what you call the cycling rappers.

Technically, that is what you call that.

He says, come on, read this out, make a long-standing fan happy.

Job done, James.

Thanks.

Hi, Adam and Joe.

I made up this joke over the summer, but have been reluctant to send it in, as it hasn't received any laughs as yet.

That's my favourite.

Anyway, here goes.

Did you hear about the recent competition where you could phone in to win clothing for large predator cats?

The competition has ended now though.

When you try calling the number, all you get is an automated message saying the lions are now clothed.

Josh from Reigate.

That's very good.

P.S.

Just in case it's not clear, which is highly likely, the lions are now clothed.

It's meant to sound like the lions are now closed.

Please put that in as a P.S.

I like the explanation.

That's brilliant.

Here's one.

And this is a very, I mean, this is a slick joke, but I believe he made it up, right?

I'm trusting him.

Julian Rawlinson from Warrington.

says, why did the specials, the band The Specials, feel so bloated after their Chinese takeaway?

Too much Fu, too much Fu Yang?

Here is a really bad joke that my friend Kenny has been working on since he heard a documentary about Constantinople on Radio 4 two weeks ago.

It's undergone several incarnations and has involved a great deal of blood, sweat and tears in searching of Wikipedia to get it to the polished perfection it now stands at.

Here we go.

What did the leader of the Ottoman Empire say when he ordered that his favourite sweets be renamed to Starburst in order to commemorate the renaming of Istanbul?

Tim Vine doesn't tell this one.

I don't know.

Punch line, okay?

Now don't expect to get this immediately.

Punch line.

I can't stand an opal fruit.

Alright, okay, now don't worry if that's not funny, because listen, Constantinople.

Obviously, the humour comes from the fact that opal fruits were renamed Starburst, an historical move that mirrored the renaming of Constantinople as Istanbul following the fall of the Byzantine Empire.

Just as the leader of the Ottoman Empire can no longer stand Constantinople, he can no longer stand opal fruits.

Kenny is worried that this joke is so obvious that it has been made before.

But I'm sure that's not the case.

What did the leader of the Ottoman Empire say when he ordered that his favourite sweets be renamed Starburst in order to commemorate the renaming of Istanbul?

I can't stand an opal fruit!

I'm Michael Mack, I'm sorry, good night.

Here's one more from Gareth Davis.

He says, and again, starts conversationally, which I always enjoy.

Did I tell you I had a problem after my flight from Argentina?

A musician was playing in my bloodstream.

Turned out I had deep vein trombonist.

Hope you like it, says Gareth Davis.

I mean, that's probably made up, isn't it?

Yeah.

Because it's barely worth saying it.

It's barely worth saying.

I mean, it's wasteful on so many levels with the world in crisis as it is.

I mean... Anyway, listen, keep your made-up jokes coming in.

You can email them to us or text them.

The text is... No, you can't text them.

Don't text them.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

And please make sure you only send in genuinely authored jokes.

Well, find out if not!

Mumford and Sons right now, this is Little Lion Man.

That's Mumford and Sons with Little Lion Man.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music coming into the last 12 minutes of the show, so just time to read out some final Text the Nation entries.

Are we going to do the jingle?

Text the Nation!

Text!

Text the Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Text the nation all about ridiculous officiousness from Petty, what would you call them, officials, security guards, policemen, that sort of stuff.

Just rounded off with a couple.

Here's one from Ed Pentelow.

My girlfriend aged 32 was refused the sale of a pizza cutting wheel thing at Morrison's in Wood Green.

She was visibly bemused, so the cashier reminded her of the knife crime issue in the area.

Oh my lord.

Could you damage someone with a pizza slicer?

Yeah, you definitely could.

I mean, you wouldn't be allowed to take a pizza slicer on a plane, would you?

No, you wouldn't.

But if you were injured by one, it would be quite easy to stitch the bit back in, wouldn't it?

You could just use the cheese to... to... to bond it.

Reattach everything, yeah.

The hot cheese.

Or just fry it up, make a fleshy pizza.

Be delicious.

Be revolting.

Here's another one from Ray Wake.

Hi.

Once I left my watch in a swimming pool changing rooms, when I phoned up to ask the person in charge of lost property if it was there, I described the watch in detail down to the fact that the face changes colour when one presses the small button on the right side of the watch.

He said yes.

We have a watch matching that description and... hang on.

gap while he fiddles with my watch.

It does change colour.

Oh, how clever.

When I said, great, thanks a lot, I'll come and collect it, he said, hang on a minute, how do I know you're the true owner?

You could just be anyone phoning up asking for a watch.

I said, well, because how would I know there was a watch with a button on the side that changed the colour of the face in the changing room?

He said, well, it could be a coincidence.

Please tell me the product code written in tiny writing on the back of the watch.

When I explained that I clearly had no idea what this number was, he said, well then,

In that case, you'll need to bring a photo of you wearing the watch if you want to get it back.

He was entirely serious.

Oh my goodness!

And then finally, to cap it all!

This is from Matthew in London.

I was once in the Detroit Institute of Arts looking at the collection.

I was quietly chewing on some gum, minding my own business.

A museum guard silently walked up to me and handed me a piece of paper.

It said,

Chewing gum is not allowed in the Detroit Institute of Arts galleries.

After reading this information, you may use this piece of paper to place your gum in.

That's polite, though.

That's kind of neat.

Just a neat one to round it up with there.

Absolutely.

Thank you very much for all your texts and emails, and if you're listening throughout the week, you can email us with more of your run-ins with Petty Officialdom for retro textination on the weekend's show that's coming up.

Yeah, the email is adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

Oh, okay.

Quite a bad bit of talking ideas.

That was good, that was good.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Here's a free choice now, Joe, this is yours.

Yeah, I was watching, for one reason or another, a little bit of Donnie Darko.

Do you know that film?

Sure, I do.

It's a big cult movie.

No one knows what it's on about, but, you know, it's really exciting.

S Darko, that's the one to see, though.

That's the sequel.

Oh, it's apparently amazing.

Have you seen that?

No, why would I?

It's apparently a toilet cake, isn't it?

Anyway, and he uses in that film this track by Tis for Fears Head Over Heels.

He does like a whole new video more or less, doesn't he?

Yeah, it's really fantastic, one of the best.

I don't know quite why it's so fantastic, but this song really works really well in the context of high school and it's kind of over melodramatic and it's kind of lots of images of cheerleaders and stuff like that and kind of walking across the school precinct, you know, being stared at and stuff.

Yeah, really good.

And I always think of that sequence now when I hear this song.

But here's Tears for Fears with Head Over Heels.

I like that last line.

That's Tears for Fears with Head Over Heels.

That's it from us this week, listeners.

Thanks very much to everybody who's listened, everyone who's emailed and texted.

We'll be back at the same time next week, 9am till noon, here on BBC6 Music.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up.

Don't forget that we've got a podcast of this show, which is available and it's enjoyable.

And it's got little, little extra sprinkles on there as well.

And it's available and enjoyable.

Just like me.

I laughed and some snot came out.

We'll be back with you, of course.

I was going to say the podcast comes out on a Monday evening.

Sometimes earlier.

Check it out.

Sometimes even earlier.

It's exciting.

Keep pressing refresh all weekend on your iTunes or your other MP3 conveyance device.

Have a fantastic week, listeners.

Don't forget to check out our blog to find out more details about how you can join us at the Electric Proms.

And we look forward to being with you again next week.

Bye-bye.

Take care.

Love you, bye.