The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (19 September 2009)

Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle.

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in between.

And then, eventually, the whole thing will just end.

with his cover of the Red Hot Chili Peppers Classic Higher Ground.

That was by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, wasn't it?

That was a little joke.

That was good.

It's the other way around.

Hi, this is Adam.

Hey, this is Jogue.

Happy Saturday morning, listeners.

Welcome.

Welcome along to our show here on BBC Six Music.

We're with you until noon and we've got an action-packed show today.

Oh yes, a grand claim.

I think it's true.

I'm backing it up with pure content.

We've got a special announcement later.

Have we?

About an event.

That's true, isn't it?

Exactly.

We've got the results of Song Wars.

An event that you, the listeners, are very much a key part of or will be when it happens.

We've got Text the Nation.

Yeah.

We've got retro-tex the nation.

Oh my lord.

We've got the, we've got a stand black squadron to attention.

It's nothing but business.

We've got great music.

We've got a little bit of bad music.

We've got some bad, see if you can spot the bad ones this week, listeners.

But don't switch off, right?

No.

Because the thing about music is it always ends, even if it's a little bit ropey.

It's only about two and a half minutes and you know, and then something else will be along.

Exactly.

You've got to have some rough with the smooth.

You've got to have some bad songs to make the good songs really shine.

Yes, that's true.

Isn't it?

That's deep, isn't it?

I'm a little bit rough with the smooth, mate.

That's very deep, isn't it?

You know, you think, the way your brain works, mate, sometimes I just think, yeah, you think a lot of deeps.

Do you know what my mum used to say to me when I was growing up?

No.

She said, one day, you should read a book.

Oh, mate.

What was it?

Write a book.

What did she mean?

What was she talking about?

Maybe she meant write a book.

Write a book.

But I, like, ride it like a horse.

You should ride a book.

You should strap a saddle onto a book and ride it along the sea.

Along the sea?

Yeah.

Are we going to make Black Squadron stand too?

Let's have the Black Squadron jingle right now.

Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show.

Black Squadron don't want to miss a thing.

That's not the way Black Squadron rolls.

A reasonable hour.

I'll be sharp on Saturday morning.

That's the secret of the squad.

For a jingle that's supposed to be kind of arousing four-to-arms, it's a little bit stodgy, isn't it?

It's good, man.

Well, that's nice of you to say, but I think I'm going to have to try and rebrand the Black Squadron.

Listen, last week you made some suggestions that maybe the whole Black Squadron thing was quite sort of childish.

No, sort of for some of your commands commander Cornish.

Do you think I mean it's like tickle each other cool That was live tickle, but I might try to make it clear to you last week that when I jelly I Haven't had jelly.

Yeah, that is a good idea.

He's writing it down Shelly have some jelly, but you know, I explained to you that tickling is a dangerous thing.

It can result in yes suffocation.

Yeah

And, you know, here you are still saying that that's childish, so I think you don't really understand.

I mean, for instance, this week's Black Squadron command could be interpreted as... I ignored it.

It could be interpreted as childish.

Right, could it?

Yeah.

That's a surprise.

As like from a program for the Undertent.

Yeah, well that's more or less what this is though, isn't it?

uh i don't know it has it's turned into it was it tony blackburn that used to have the dog you know oh yes we've got uh boggins you might be a long way through that's what this show is isn't it well in that case we should be um we should listen to some of those old shows and make sure we're reproducing every segment accurately i think we already are

Because I was thinking, like, for Black Squadron, would it not be practical to have some commands that, you know, have some practical use, like, you know, pick up the phone and talk to your mum, you know, give your mum a call, something like that.

Write a thank you letter.

You know, these kind of things.

Do some recycling.

That would be no good.

Would it not?

This is the kind of command Black Squadron want.

Panhat!

That's the very best.

With Warm Heart of Africa, it features Ezra Koenig, of course, from Vampire Weekend, and an album of the same name was released on September the 14th.

That was very recently, Joe.

Very recently.

You know, that sort of puts me in mind of what's his name, Malcolm McLaren-type experiments, Duck Rock-type things, you know?

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I think it's a good thing, I think.

What's that album?

It's the album called Duck Rock.

McLaren's album.

Yeah, I think so.

I think it's probably quite a good album.

Uh-huh.

Haven't listened to it for about 20 years.

He did some real stinky ones as well though, didn't he?

Yeah.

Do you know Walt Starling?

I went through a phase of actually loving that one.

His kind of opera, opera house thing.

Opera house.

Yeah, it was used a lot on catwalks.

Catwalks?

For the fashion industry.

Yes.

I'm very big into the fashion industry, so it's an important album for me.

We got a letter, or an email, rather, from a listener this week, which I'd like to share with you.

This is from Amelia Theonder, and she says,

I may be 60 this month, but I have an adolescent streak.

I enjoy your intelligent and witty banter, personal interactions and disclosures.

Usually, I listen to the whole programme, because we're talking about people like whether they listen to the whole show or not the other day.

So this lady, who's going to be 60 this month, she listens to the whole thing.

Some of the music doesn't appeal, she says, but that's when I make quick, free weekend calls.

Are your listeners mostly teenagers or older, for example in your age bracket?

I ask because next time I see an interesting bunch of teens, I plan to cycle on my rainbow bike and yell out Stephen just for their facial expressions when they see a grey-haired woman.

Do you think that's a good idea?

What's that chuckle?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know.

Is it their facial expressions because they're just seeing a grey-haired woman?

Yeah, maybe.

Or is it the fact that she's saying Stephen?

Both, probably.

I think she's unlikely to get any response from either.

They might just think she's mental.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Do we have lots of teenage listeners?

I mean, the fact is we don't have lots of listeners full stop.

Yeah, you reckon?

Yeah, it's a small, very small, exclusive percentage of the population.

It's just Amelia Fjonda and, um, come with our friends.

Yeah, and the Black Squadron.

And Black Squadron, of course.

I wonder how they're getting on with their command.

Right, so pan hat, that you're just using a pan as a hat.

Could be interpreted that way.

Yeah.

And not a pot hat, because a pan is difficult to balance on your head.

Well, I meant, well, that's the distinction between a pot and a pan.

I mean, I thought any kind of pan would do, you know, what's the difference between a pot and a pan?

I think of a pan as being wider and shallower.

A cooking pot.

A pot is more of a... I think a pan is a collective term for any sort of... There you go.

This chap's got it right.

This is from Sam in Oxford.

You see he's got... Look at that.

Look at the face.

Look at his face.

He really looks entirely mental.

He's definitely a squadron leader.

He looks a bit like me.

He's got a little beard.

He's got his tongue sticking out on one eye bulging.

And the pan hat is on the kind of jaunty angle.

We can't put that on the plug immediately, can we, James?

We'll put it over the weekend.

And it's the way he's got the handle sticking out there between his eyes, almost like a sort of broken Dalek.

You see?

Now that might seem like a childish command, but that guy now has a very highly protected head.

And also a kind of proboscis that can be used for operational duties.

You see, I just don't think you get Black Squad.

Maybe I don't.

I don't think you understand that these commands are actually very practical.

He looks special.

Well, exactly.

I mean, he's having a psychological effect on you.

You see, it's like the man who stared at goats, or whatever it's called.

Yes.

He's freaking your mind out.

You can't deal with it.

He's totally scrambling up my mind.

You think it's silly?

No, I don't.

Now you're going too far.

Sorry.

I think he's amazing.

Okay.

It's time for a free play now, listeners.

This is Sid Barrett, and it's a song called Bob Dylan Blues, which was unearthed not that long ago.

It was in Dave Gilmour's.

Drawers.

It was down his pants, and it had been down there.

They found it there.

Ever since 1970.

They unearthed it.

They priced it out.

What is it?

It's the Bob Dylan Blues.

It's been down there for an awful long time.

Something's been chaffing for years.

So they included it on this compilation of best of, I think the compilation's called Wouldn't You Miss Me or something like that.

But it's quite weird, like he does a little pastiche of Bob Dylan, you know, sings in the Bob Dylan style, and slightly takes the mick out of him, but then is very affectionate and, you know, clearly was influenced by Dylan as well.

Hope you enjoy this, Bob Dylan Blues by Sid Barrett.

I remember when I was younger, I did a picture, spent all afternoon drawing a picture of Lou Reed copying the cover of Transformer, and then I wrote Lou Reed Vicious on top of it, like it was a poster or something.

My dad came in.

What are you drawing?

Look dad, and he sort of read it very solemnly.

Lou Reed, vicious.

Well, what does it mean?

I said it's, you know, it's one of his songs.

Hmm, he looks loathsome.

Then he walked out and that was it.

Wow, it didn't dent your love for Lou Reed or viciousness.

No, I'm absolutely a vicious person in every conceivable way.

I absolutely loved it.

But no, it didn't dent my love for Lou Reed, despite the fact that

I saw him doing that song on, you know, the classic albums show, which I really love those classic albums documentaries, and they did one on on Transformer.

And Lou Reed, he behaves like such a ponce throughout.

You know, I mean, he's famous for being a bit of a ponce anyway, but he completely, you know, mauls all the songs.

He plays like daft versions.

The classic in the genre is Pink Floyd.

And when they do Dark Side of the Moon on classic albums,

Roger Waters and Dave Gilmour, they do really beautiful little acoustic versions of some of the songs on there, you know, and they're very faithful.

Lou Reed, he's like just sort of going, Vicious, you hit me with a flower.

You do it every hour.

Baby, you're so vicious!

And he's playing all like mad chords and stuff because he thinks it's too boring just to play it properly.

I WANT IT TO KILL HIM!

I mean, there's a sauce pan, isn't there?

Yeah.

I mean, you're saying that you think it should have been... What do you think it should have been, the command?

For Black Squadron.

No, that's good.

I mean, they've obviously got it.

We've got some amazing pictures coming in, listeners of people with... But you were saying you thought a pan was like a frying pan.

was too shallow to be worn as a hat.

Yeah, pan hat.

If someone just says pan to me, if someone says hand me a pan... I haven't got over that accusation yet.

I would need to talk it through.

I'm stung by it.

I'm stung by it because you see, of course, there's a sauce pan, isn't there?

Yeah.

And that's deep, you know.

You don't fry things in a sauce pan.

Yeah, but you didn't say sauce...

You didn't say sauce but you said pan hat.

Pan hat.

We've had some amazing photos through and the speed with which some of Black Squadron have responded is extraordinary.

How long did it take for the first pan hat photo to come through James?

It was a matter of seconds.

It was three minutes, two minutes.

I mean, we could have a kind of record breakers thing going on here, couldn't we?

I mean, we could time... Do you think anyone could get a response in to the studio in under a minute next week?

Surely.

Do you think that would be amazing?

I mean, that would be like an incredible moment of sporting history, wouldn't it?

Well, we'd do it live, would we?

We'd actually... Yeah.

We'd say... Yeah.

And then we'd count down.

I mean, that would be like breaking the one-minute mile.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, bo

We wouldn't play that music.

Could we not?

No, not the first one, yeah.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Yes, that's the music.

That's the new LaRue single.

Is it?

It's unusually overproduced for her.

But yeah, amazing photos.

Weirdly, what seems to be happening in couple-type relationships is we get a picture of the lady with the hat, but sent by the man.

That's the way it works with the sexes, isn't it?

The man controls the camera.

He knows how to work the camera.

The lady deals with the pants.

So there's a woman called Ryan, and she's just balancing a frying pan on her head, which is good because it works as a hat, but then if you need to repel someone with a frying pan-based wallop, you can tip your hat politely and also wallop them.

You know, because the reason I thought of pants like shallow pants is because, you know, the expression to pan something as critically.

Yes.

I always, in my mind, think of a critic smacking the thing with an actual shallow pan.

You know, wallop, wallop, wallop.

There's a beautiful photo of Brian and his daughter wearing pants.

Brian's daughter.

We're going to put as many of these as we can on the blog.

And I think that anybody who doubts the power

and authority of Black Squadron will be sobered and will rethink their attitude when they see this gallery.

It's an amazing game.

I mean, that could be a good advertisement for the BBC in general, I would think.

It really could, couldn't it?

I could see it on a massive hoarding.

Look at that lady.

She's quite saucy and she's got a pan on her head.

What about some kind of Chris Miles style, very expensive, slow motion promo film?

Yeah, I like it.

Of Black Squadron members with pan hats.

On stallions.

Why aren't the BBC channeling some of the money our way?

That's what I want to know.

Some of these expensive campaigns.

Do we have a little bit of music before the news?

Here's the Tom Tom Club asking the crucial question, what are you going to do when you get out of jail?

Are you going to have some fun?

What do you consider fun?

Fun.

Nasty fun.

Right?

That's what they say in this song.

Can you hear that in the background, listeners?

That noise, listeners.

A drilling noise, can you hear that?

That's the sound of our Sony silver certificates being screwed to the wall of the BBC six music.

It sounds like a joke, isn't it?

It's actually true.

There's a couple of guys out there with a drill in the corridor outside the studio screwing them, screwing our awards to the wall.

Yes, yes, we made it.

Two months hence.

They're gonna be unscrewing the awards and putting them in the bin probably when we get fired.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain

Hmm, smooth.

That was Paul Weller with Broken Stones from the album Stanley Road, which came out in 1995.

Good times.

Those were the days, eh?

Those were the days.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Now, I was complaining last week that I had a cold listeners.

I hadn't completely gotten rid of it.

But I've got... I mean that cold is just the tip of the iceberg now for my health worries.

I'm absolutely falling to part.

I had a tough week medically as well.

Did you?

What happened to you?

I was bleeding from two large holes in the right side of my body on Tuesday.

Did you get shot?

I didn't.

I went to the doctor and he removed a skin tag.

that was on my side and catching on my t-shirt a skin tag yeah you know a tiny little bit of weird skin that sort of pops up do you not have those like i've got one right right there i think oh yeah they're like sort of moles but you know a skin you know what a skin tag is do you not have any i haven't got skin tags i've got lots of other things have you yeah anyway he uh he he injected it with some anesthetic and adrenaline

And adrenaline?

Yeah.

Why adrenaline?

He told me everything he was doing, I didn't like it.

He said, I'm just gonna put a little bit of, I'm just gonna, this might hurt quite a lot.

Just gonna inject into the middle of it with some adrenaline.

That's because he knows you like crying.

Just to stop it bleeding too much.

It is, isn't it?

He knows I was crying too.

And then he said, and then I'm gonna cut, I'm just gonna cut it off with a sharp spoon.

A spoon?

He said, it's just like a spoon, but it's very sharp on one end.

So you'll feel some tugging.

And then I'm gonna cauterize it.

Imagine if he got his spoons confused at breakfast time.

When it was a big blunt one.

Ouch!

Wow, you said you had some skin tag action.

Yeah, and so I wasn't allowed to wash for three days.

Were you not?

That's stinky.

That's normal though, isn't it for you?

And then I got home, decided to lie on the sofa to convalesce, and I was in bare feet.

I stood on a piece of glass.

And I stood on it just as I was rotating on my heel in order to flop onto the sofa.

And it was kind of curved and thorn shaped.

So it's sort of like a drill bit.

It sort of went up into my... It wasn't my heel, it's the other bit.

But the toes, what's that called?

Toe pads.

Jimmy, Jimmy the toe pad.

It went up into Jimmy the toe pad.

Why was it on the floor?

I've got glass on the floor.

At three in the afternoon, I was fine.

By 4.30, I was on the sofa leaking blood from two massive wounds in the right-hand side of my body.

Goodness gracious.

It was wicked.

You know, this time last week, last Friday before the show, right, I had a gig in Greenwich.

I was cycling there.

And I was going past a parked car and the guy in the car opened the car door as I was going past without looking, right?

Smashed me right in the left arm.

It was agony!

And so, and I was late for the gig so I couldn't stop.

Did he knock you off your bike?

No, no, no, it was such that it just, I took the full force of the corner of the door right in my elbow, my left elbow.

And you were in motion.

I was in motion and I, you know, I stopped and looked behind because I was pretty angry, obviously, that it was totally this guy's fault for not looking.

But he was more worried about his car, whether I'd scraped his effing car, you know what I mean?

It was terrible.

And my arm really, really hurt.

That's how the film Bullet Boy starts.

Is it?

Almost, yeah.

It was absolute agony, but I couldn't stop and, you know, have a discussion with him about it.

If you'd scratched his car, he would have demanded money.

If you didn't have the money to pay him, he would have shot your dog.

Right.

And then you would have probably shot him.

Would have been a spiral of violence.

And it would have been like bullet boy.

Terrible.

So, but luckily I got over that.

However, this week I wake up one morning and my right arm is painful on the elbow.

What?

And in the night, check this out, I woke up and it felt as if I'd been drugged.

I was in a stupor and I hadn't been drugged.

No, no, you hadn't been drugged.

I don't think so.

No, you hadn't.

Why are you saying it?

Like what?

Well, it was weird though.

I just felt really weird when I woke up in the night and then the next morning my elbow hurt and then it started to swell

And I think I was bitten by something, like a spider or something.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You're not making this up.

No, I know you're not making it up.

And it's like, throughout the week, it's absolutely become agonocious.

Agony-icious.

Agnostic.

And it's terrible.

I went to the doctor, I've got like antibiotics and stuff.

What's the prognosis?

She didn't really give me much of a prognosis.

What's caused it?

Why is it?

I don't know.

I mean, there's two little points on there, which I think are bites.

Someone else said maybe it's a boil coming up, but it's just absolute agony.

And instead of spreading, I can hardly use... I can't cycle... Maybe it's the beginning of the end.

That's what I'm worried about.

Maybe it's the final curtain.

I don't think I'm gonna be... Starting to drop across the stage.

Here next week, listeners.

Mmm, it's terrible.

We have some music.

Yeah.

This is Ian Brown with Stellify.

I like to listen to Adam and Jo.

But I listen to the podcast, not the live show.

I used to feel a cute frustration, because I couldn't join in with Texas Nation.

But now my troubles have disappeared Because rent flow takes the nation's heat And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

Yes, it's retro Text the Nation time listeners.

This is a kind of a news segment of the show where we read out some contributions to last week's Text the Nation subject.

It's a way to be inclusive with listen again listeners and podcast listeners.

It used to be a podcast-only feature retro-textination, but that broke the castle.

Rules form a maximum amount of new material in a podcast, right?

If you put too much new stuff in a BBC podcast, contravenes rules, it contravenes rules because it makes it almost commercial.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't quite understand it, but somehow it violates the remit.

It violates the remit, and we were actually jailed for some time.

And it was horrible in there.

It was terrible.

We were badly beaten.

And our producer, James, he was put on a rack.

He was stretched.

And do you know who was running the place?

Vernon Kay.

And that really surprised me.

It was gawling.

The thing that freaked me out most was it was filthy and it was covered in blood and feces.

I mean, it was horrible.

It was a real proper dungeon.

But yet Kay's suit was perfect white.

all through our incarceration.

And then just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, Philip Schofield put us in the queue for a while.

And he laughed, he kept on laughing at this demonic laugh.

Laughing!

And the thing was that Kay was, I mean he was really flagellating.

very, very brutally with chains.

And beans as well.

And there was, you know, splatter going everywhere.

But yet, I mean, I think he must have, I think he must have had that suit pressed and changed at the taxpayers expense sort of instantly.

He smelt delicious.

He did smell and he's terribly handsome.

And he's a very slick, very sadistic.

He's absolutely sadistic.

So, you know, this is why we couldn't include retro-textination in the podcast anymore.

We had to shift it into the actual live show.

And last week, our textination subject was names that you've given your body parts.

And it sort of was focusing mainly on the jungly nether regions.

Congolese areas.

And we have a couple more of those to read out for you this week.

Do you want to fire off one?

Sure.

Here's one from Sean somewhere in Kent.

He says, I can't give you my full name for fear of ridicule, but as a young chap, I used to often pop into the bathroom for a whittle.

Whilst my mum was in the bath, and I was fascinated by her breast, which I called Womblesnose.

Below is a picture of a Womblesnose, unfortunately not my mum's.

Can you picture a womble's nose?

Yeah, I can.

You can make that connection.

Certainly, yeah.

Two friendly wombles posing for a photo with their heads pressed together.

Yeah.

Good times.

Here's one from Matt.

He says, when me and my sister were little, my father taught us to refer to lady bits as Wilhelmina.

As in, boys have a willy and girls have a willimena.

You can imagine the bother it caused in later life.

I mean, willimena's not a very common name, though, for, like, actual people.

So I don't think that would be a massive problem.

Like, willy's a more common name amongst people than willimena.

I think that's very nice.

Yeah.

Sweet.

Touching.

That was from Matt.

Uh, this is one from David the Megadude.

Is he a Megadude?

Well, he's not a Megadude.

He's THE Megadude.

Oh, he's THE Megadude.

He has a capital M and a capital D. I'd love to be a Megadude.

Megadude.

How does he know he's a Megadude?

You've got to train for about 10 or 15 minutes.

Really?

He's certificated.

I've passed a lot of exams.

Does he have that after his name, like a sort of BSC-ons kind of thing?

Yeah, MD.

MD.

Quincy.

Quincy was a Megadude.

He says simply, men's nipples, mipples, women's nipples, whiples.

He is a mega dude.

Of course he is.

He's fully qualified.

This is from Howard, staying in the Congo area.

Adam and Jo, it's a very touching message, this one though.

It starts out touching at least.

Adam and Jo, I need your help.

I've just split up with my girlfriend and I'm very, very sad.

I've been a massive fan of you both.

I thought you said you weren't going to

Well, I've changed some of his fruity language.

Coincidentally, that's what caused me and my girlfriend to split up because I thought with my love musket.

Clearly doesn't help, does it?

I saw him.

I suppose not.

It's been a destructive element in his life.

Help me, Adam and Joe, he says.

Well, I hope that helped, Howard.

I hope you're feeling better.

Yeah, that's good.

You got one more there?

Love musket.

Yeah.

Here's one from Carol Walsh in Dublin.

I'm a listener with a very itchy back.

Don't judge me, it's hereditary.

Anywho, my good friend has a hand that lends itself to scratching, but unfortunately is rubbish with directions.

So what I've done is to name the various areas of my back, making commands easier for him to follow.

The areas of my back are named as follows.

Top right, Liz McDonald.

Bottom right, Steve McDonald.

Bottom left, Becky.

Top left, Jim McDonald.

It's a good system and it works by Carol Walsh from Dublin.

I like the fact that he's got a good hand for scratching.

Well nails, you've got to have good nails to be a good scratcher.

Not too long, not too short.

And you want them nicely trimmed as well, you don't want any jaggy stuff on them.

I mean it's amazing isn't it?

You know my lady partner and I, our life is basically a trade war of head scratching.

Every time I sit near her, all I have to do is waggle my head like that, and that's the command for her to scratch it.

And then she does the same, and I have to do it.

And then I start sort of owing her.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

So I have to scratch that.

So there's quite a lot of disgruntled head scratching that goes on.

Grudging, yes.

Yeah, you know, as a sort of penance kind of thing.

That's right.

I have to massage my wife occasionally when we're watching television, give her a neck massage.

Do you?

I never get... What do you mean you have to?

Well, she makes it clear.

She goes, please, could you help me?

I'm in... Well, just do a little impression.

Oh, Addy.

She goes, oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Because I watch on my cameras.

Right.

She goes, Addy, please give me a massage, please.

And it goes on for quite a long time.

I tell you what I do as well.

If we're watching the telly and my feet are bare, I put my foot right near her and I waggle it.

Yeah.

To be stroked like it's a really irritating little dog or something.

Yeah.

I just shake it right next to her.

And then the only way she can stop it is by stroking it.

Like Boggins.

Like Boggins!

I hope Boggins... Boggins!

Boggins!

I didn't know Boggins was gonna turn up in the middle of this.

Get a scratch on my head.

Under my belly.

Boggins is the Adam and Jo dog and of course he's famous for saying things that sound a tiny bit like...

Words.

Go look at your nose and face.

They're pretty much incomprehensible.

He was on That's Life in the 70s boggins.

What are you boggins for?

Yeah, shush, shush, shush.

He's lost it now, that doesn't... Get us a scratch under my tummy where all the hair's gone.

But of course, this week, boggins and I went on an adventure, didn't we, boggins?

Yeah, we went to Germany, didn't we, boggins?

to appear on a live TV show called Pet Stick.

Yeah, mere boggins to Pet Stick, that's an exciting journey.

And boggins of course wowed the studio audience on Pet Stick by making a noise that sounded slightly similar to the words raffle tickets.

Raffle tickets.

No, don't lick that, Boggins.

So that was brilliant.

We made 10,000 euros for that appearance, and I bought Boggins a biscuit, and I'm banking the rest.

We got a new back.

What, Boggins?

We got a new back, have we?

Don't understand.

He used to be much more comprehensible.

Have you got, like, a remix of Beck, Cornelius, anything like that?

No, I don't understand what he's saying.

Here's Beck with the Cornelius remix of mixed business.

Oh, that's a very dramatic sound, isn't it?

It's very dramatic.

That was the Big Pink with Domino's there.

They played for Danny Wallace in the Hub.

Danny was sitting in for George Lamb last Wednesday.

You can go to bbc.co.uk slash six music.

to listen to that performance again.

This is Adam and Jo here on the Mighty Six Music.

Very nice to have you along, listeners.

How are you doing?

And I think we're going to get into the nation's favorite feature.

We've got the results of Song Wars as well, just to remind you, coming up in the next half hour, I think.

Our song's about bath time.

We're going to find out who won that.

But now, let's have the textination jingle.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Listeners, Text the Nation is the part of the show where we give you a kind of a chit-chatty subject, provocative, fascinating little idea of a bomblet, and you have a think about it and then texting your suggestions.

Yeah, the number is 64046, that's the text number.

The email is adamandshow.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

And this week's Text the Nation theme is annoying habits that TV presenters do.

Yeah.

Now, I was watching a BBC Four programme about the history of Scotland.

I don't know the presenter's name, but it was a man with sort of long black hair, and he was walking around Scotland ranting facts.

And they were doing some very, very annoying techniques.

And I'm not sure whether this is the presenter himself or whether it's the camera style.

But he was doing a thing about a church.

And he was standing in the church, telling us about the church.

But the cameraman was at a low angle, circling him very fast.

And he was turning physically in the opposite direction.

That old chestnut.

And it was really quite fast, as if it was the part of a feature film where the lead character is going insane.

But it wasn't a feature film about that, it was a historical documentary about a church.

But it was spinning and dizzying and it went on for minutes.

And it was unwatchable.

That's just annoying direction, though, rather than presenting.

Well, I think I'm specifically talking about presenter links, and they're difficult things to do.

Like, we've done them a lot, and I'm sure we've done them really badly.

But it's very hard to make them interesting.

And directors always want to make them interesting.

But sometimes that urge results in a very annoying practice, either by the presenter, him or herself, or the camera person.

Well, you know a program that has a lot of that kind of stuff.

Who's that?

More awards going awards.

We've won more awards.

Anyway, it's the culture show sometimes have some, you know, they really are always trying to find new ways of making a piece interesting and they do a fantastic job of it.

It's tricky because a show like that is mine and that's not true.

But then every now and again, you know, they'll pull out something out of their bag and it's quite annoying.

Like one of the things they sometimes do, not just on the culture show, but lots of programs, is they lock off a shot, right?

And then they have the person popping up in several different parts, like multiple versions of the same person.

Because basically those things are audio.

You don't really need to see it, do you?

So they feel they have to justify their existence on telly by doing something visual.

rubbish.

Here's another one in the same, that same documentary about the history of Scotland.

He was telling us more facts about Scotland.

You sound like the guy on Dragon's Day.

My Scottish accent is terrible.

What's his name, the guy on Dragon's Day?

Ah, I don't know, it's Goshuan.

I moot.

This fella was walking along a dude.

That's terrible.

What happened there?

That was awful.

Anyway, he's walking along a road.

And they shot it.

He's walking along a sort of country lane, telling us more facts about Scotland.

But the camera is behind him, over his left shoulder, very close, like a Dardan Brothers film.

Do you know the Dardan Brothers?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Some listeners will understand.

We're having a Dardan marathon at Harkhouse too.

Are you?

Oh, that'd be depressing.

Anyways, walking along, the camera's over his shoulder.

The road in front of him is completely out of focus.

And then he turns his head towards the lens.

Robert the Bruce was a Bruce command, a tough man.

You know who?

Yes.

And it was very annoying.

It was as if we, the viewer, were like scuttling along behind him, desperate for him to give us another fact over his shoulder.

And then my favourite sort of place for annoying presentational techniques is a channel called Film24 that used to be on Freeview.

Oh yes, I know.

That's an amazing channel.

I don't know whether it's still on anymore because I don't have Freeview anymore, it's changed or whatever.

I think it still is.

But it's sort of EPKs, it's promotional films for forthcoming movies and they're linked by presenters who are usually sort of ex-Blue Peter presenters.

and they shoot it on the back lot of Pinewood Studios and they do the most amazing links like on some of them they'll come into a link and the camera will be static pointed at a row of columns in a building and then suddenly the camera will start moving and the presenter will appear from behind one of the columns and start walking along, do you know what I mean?

Going at the same time and then exactly when their spiel ends they will pass behind a column

And the camera will stop.

It's like, what were you doing behind the column?

Those kind of things take ages to get right as well.

But they look so stupid.

Or then there's links where a presenter will start on a bench and then stand and walk across to a fountain.

And then exactly when the end of their spiel stops, they'll put one leg on the fountain and lean.

But that is not what was going to happen.

See what I mean?

And then it'll cut.

So that's what we're after and things you find irritating.

It can be specific.

You can name names.

You can accuse presenters.

You can accuse us of having annoying habits.

I mean, we have lots of annoying habits, but we usually set them to music and try and profit from them.

But what are the most annoying TV presentational quirks that you guys can send us?

We'd love to hear from you.

The text number if you're listening live is 64046.

If you're responding to this, text the nation subject during the week if you're listening again or listening on the podcast, then you have to email us your thoughts.

Right now, we've got some music for you.

This is The Cure with Just Like Heaven.

That was The Cure with Just Like Heaven.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Adam, hey, hey, I need your help, man.

What's the matter?

I've been listening to some contemporary urban music.

Oh, why do you know?

Well, you know, the radio was tuned into an urban station while I was in the loo, on the loo, using the loo, enjoying the loo.

And I heard a couple of songs, and I don't know, they've confused me, the lyrics have confused me, I don't...

I don't know what to think about them.

Was it Kanye West?

It was actually, yeah.

The first record I heard, I'm going to play you some clips and I don't know whether anyone can help me with this.

The first song I heard was by Jamie Foxx.

Oh yeah.

Who's a difficult character as it is.

He's not Jamie Foxx Ox Ox, is he?

Yeah.

The actor turned singer?

Yeah, the hugely successful and haughty and arrogant and overconfident singer, actor.

I mean, usually when people are multi-talented or try to, you know, usually you can't have a film career and a movie career.

Right.

He's done it.

I mean, a film career and a music career.

And a music career, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're right.

Anyway, so he's a confusing character to begin with, but he's released a new single featuring Drake, The Dream.

Is he really a credible music artist though, Jamie Foxx?

Yeah.

Right.

And Kanye West, it's called Digital

girl is single.

Have you heard that song at all?

No, I haven't.

I boycotted Kanye West because of his rudeness.

Quite right, quite right.

Well, this song is sort of drawing, it's kind of using digital lingo as a love song, you know, sexy digital metaphors.

Yeah, like my song Sexy Robots.

Very like that.

And it does quite a good job.

Let me play you.

When I heard the beginning, I thought, oh, this is quite a good track.

They're doing a good job of, you know, sewing digital metaphors into their sexy, sexy rapping.

Like this, this bit's quite good.

Play the first clip there.

Even Photoshop couldn't change me.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

That is good.

Sparks have got a whole song called Photoshop.

Do they?

Yeah, yeah.

Do they do a similar little lyric thing?

Photoshop me out of your life.

When was that?

Photoshop me out of your life.

It came out last year, I think.

There you go.

I was going quite well this song, but then, and that's either Kanye or Drake The Dream rapping, I'm not entirely sure, but then Jamie Foxx starts singing.

And you know, the beginning of the song is so sort of tightly written, and they're being so careful that every rhyme

is fusing with this idea of technology, you know, and then Jamie Foxx comes in and sings the following.

What?

Did you hear what he said?

He hates the distance even though it's persistent.

One day I'll have your arse up in this kitchen.

He's romantic.

romantic.

He wants his girlfriend to moon in the kitchen.

I think so.

That's his ultimate fantasy.

That's what rappers are like man.

I heard this record by Sean Kingston.

Do you know who Sean Kingston is?

No, I don't know.

He's a big kind of reggae dancehall star.

He's a big star.

Yeah.

And this is his new hit that's really lighting up the clubs all over Britain.

But this is the chorus.

What's a shorty fire?

Shorty fire burning on the dance floor.

I mean, well, there's a child on fire.

Are they dancing naked?

Have they taken their shorties off?

Shorty fire.

Is there a pile of shorties?

Well in hip-hop parlance, a shorty is a youngster, right?

I think it's a girlfriend, actually.

Is it?

It's an attractive woman, yeah.

My shorty.

Shorty fire burning on the dance floor.

Somebody call 911 there's a shorty fire burning on the dance floor.

Or someone, yeah, you just think it's someone's pants I've caught like.

Or maybe there's static electricity on the dance floor or a short circuit.

Yeah.

And all the shorties have caught fire.

They're drilling more awards.

There's a shorty fire downstairs.

My lordy.

That's good, though.

That sounded quite good.

Is that what young people are listening to?

Yeah.

This is exciting, man.

We're getting all the latest music news on the show.

We are.

Thanks very much for winding our musical remix.

A shorty fire.

That sounds worrying.

What do you do about a shorty fire?

There are regulations about, you've got to have fireproof shorties.

I mean, that's a health and safety issue if you've got shorty fire.

Isn't it?

Yeah, definitely.

Anyway, that's R&B News.

Here's a free play for you right now, listeners.

This is a garage rock combo from Cincinnati, Ohio, and this is their debut single from 1998.

They're called The Greenhorns, and this is end of the night.

Good stuff, man.

That's Travis with Selfish Jean.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Nice to have you along this Saturday morning.

And I think it's time that we resolved last week's song wars battle.

We both composed songs about the bath time.

Joe did one about David Bowie taking a bath.

Mine was a kind of two-step number about... A special bath for a dirty lady.

Dirty lady.

You needed a bath.

No one's going to forget that in a hurry.

If you want to hear either of those songs they're still available in kind of cruddy quality on the Adam and Jo Six Music website or of course they're available in full amazing quality in the podcast which is still up until the end of the weekend isn't it?

That's true isn't it?

So it's time to announce the winner here's a couple of

emails that we had in this one's from Olly Perry he says I'm afraid my vote has to go to Joe's bath time for Bowie sorry Adam I just found that BFB I mean that's what they're calling it now what's BFB bath time for Bowie I mean so many people are saying it it's taking up time so it's best to abbreviate it yeah that's what the Twitter arty is doing Adam the songs such a big hit yeah yeah

Do you know it's at number one?

Oh, if you win now, after all.

I'm not going to win.

I just found that BFB to be more the sort of thing I would actually bathe to.

It also made me chuckle lots.

But don't worry, we have a balancing email here.

Splish.

Splosh.

Exactly.

Who wouldn't want a bath to that?

This is one from Kate.

My vote this week goes to Special Bath for a Dirty Girl by Dr. Buckles.

I particularly enjoyed the rhythmic pairing of Badadass and Big Bad Ass.

Yeah.

I mean, it's an amazing bit of protocol.

She says, please understand that I'm not downplaying the merits of Bowie in the bath, but, and as a member of Black Squadron, I'm slightly ashamed to admit, I've never been a Bowie fanatic, and some of the references within the song may have been lost to me.

Oh, right.

That email's more about my song than in the final analysis.

So if she had understood the references, she'd be voting for your song.

That was the implication there.

Thanks for all your messages about Song Wars, incidentally.

Here are the results.

That's me in pain.

My song got 23%.

But Adam's special bath wins with 67%.

You know, I'm surprised.

I'm not surprised.

I am surprised because your Bowie in the bath is very strong.

Well, music is the winner.

You know, but I did finish mine off early to watch Crank 2.

That's true indeed, didn't you?

So I think I deserve... Plus, I probably took about four hours over it.

Did you?

Five hours, maybe, yeah.

No, I absolutely killed myself doing this one.

Well, yours is good, man.

And here's an opportunity to hear it again.

This is the winning song.

This is called Special Bath.

It's by Count Buckley's.

Thank you.

And it won with 67% of the vote.

Yeah!

I love your mucky mind, but your body's all so filthy Which I weren't so pleased to find yourself here But what's up with your personal hygiene?

That's why you haven't had a boyfriend since you were 13 You have the matted hair of an Australian backpacker And in your pants last night I've had some cheese and a cracker You say you don't like bathing cause you're frightened of the water But it's getting crazier, you know I really think you're water

round to a play

I'll take the boring end, cause I'm your special bar friend Come round to my place tonight, we'll have a special bar I want you looking like Chameleon, don't worry my bra There we are, you see it's not so bad is it?

It's nice, there's just a couple of rules you need to know before we go on

Sly and the family stone.

It was very hard to tell where my song special bath ended and where that one began They were so similar for whom in quality and style for whom was that hard to tell for all the listeners though fans You know there was there they were certainly cut from similar cloth hewn from yes stop talking musical rock talking now

So stay tuned, listeners.

We've got a very special announcement of a way that you can get very profoundly involved in the show.

And the song wars especially.

That's coming up in the next half hour here on the program, but right now it's just gone 10.30 and it's time for the news.

Gorillaz with Feel Good Incorporated.

Hey, this is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

My Guy Garvey's giving me a lot of jit, man.

Is it?

Yeah, I bet you were just wincing there during that record.

I'm not a wincey Willis.

I feel sorry for you.

What can you do?

Is there a bubo on it?

A bubo?

No, it's not a burst of all- There's nothing to pop.

No, it's not like a spider bite that you sometimes see on the internet where- Where it's full of spiders, tiny spiders.

No, you can't drain it or anything like that.

You know, it's not pustulate.

What kind of pain is it?

It's it I swear to you it's like someone has just got a crowbar and smashed my arm really it's so painful and every time it touches anything it's Absolute agony really I came in on the tube because I can't cycle right I can't grip the handlebars and I was just really worried about people knocking it on the tube and stuff

No, you've taken some painkillers though.

I'm hopped up on painkillers and antibiotics.

You could always chop it off mate.

You could.

You could just get rid of it.

I'd cauterize it with a hot pan or pot.

Or a sharp spoon.

Depending on what you wanted.

I could cut it off with a sharp spoon.

Inject some adrenaline into it to stop the blood flowing into my heart.

I could do that.

I could make a little, um, what do you call it?

Doctor sexy, do you think you could do that?

Um, I wouldn't get Doctor sexy to operate.

Would you not?

No, that'll be a mess.

I mean, it'll be very pleasurable, but it won't improve the, uh, injury.

It'll take your mind off.

Sexy mess.

Yeah, it will take your mind off.

Eventually the pain will come back.

Oh my gosh.

Hey, let's have the, the, uh, text the nation jingle and get back into that.

Why not?

Text the nation.

Text, text, text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

Text the Nation this week, listeners, all about annoying things that TV presenters do or annoying ways that programs present their links kind of thing.

What kind of response are we getting from the listeners?

A very, very good response.

You know, people are very opinionated about television.

They really are, aren't they?

I mean, I've talked before about my dad, how incensed he gets when he watches the news.

If he doesn't like the style of the news presenter, Fiona Bruce is his bétenoir.

Then but I never went growing up He would he would have a problem with Jan Leeming and he would just spit and grumble and not actually gob you know what I mean?

But like spit fury and I just sorry just going back to your dad being annoyed by Fiona Bruce We might do some filming for for the Bruce might wait so we might get to meet the Bruce be amazing wouldn't it?

Maybe we should bring your dad

And they can have a confrontation.

This is a very polite man.

He wouldn't be rude to her, would he?

It would be interesting what would happen to his opinions if he was presented with the actual person.

Well, I think it's, you know, I think he wouldn't have a problem.

He'd be charmed and seduced by her loveliness.

But he'd go away with the same problem.

But it's her style when she's actually on TV that he's got a problem with.

But look, we should get into some of the listeners' opinions.

Sorry to ramble over you there.

But here's a good one from Tom in Derby.

He says, at the end of every episode of Grand Designs, Kevin MacLeod does a little summary spiel outside the finished building.

This ends with him walking off the shot as the theme tune cuts in.

my girlfriend and I compete to guess which direction he's going to go in.

Like, Bob, she always wins.

It's true that.

And sometimes he does a thing at the end of every, just before every break, Kevin MacLeod, where he does a little synopsis.

Yeah.

Just like Tom said, he goes, the house is enormously ambitious, but are they going to get it finished before the winter rains?

And then he walks off.

But sometimes he does it about four feet away from them.

And he's saying it as if it's a little candid moment between him and the viewer.

But often the owners are just there sort of, and they're listening.

Did you hear what he said, Sophie?

He doesn't think we're going to finish before the winter ends.

He said the staircase is awful and ugly and vulgar.

Clearly heard that.

But that's a good one.

Here's another one.

from Tim in London and we've had a number of texts about this one.

Hi Adam and Jo, I'm a massive fan of MasterChef except one bit really annoys me when the bald one brackets Greg tastes the food he holds his fork in a crazy cradled way the type of way you might feed a baby as if pretending it was a plane then he also keeps it in his mouth far too long

Right.

Says Tim in London, and there's another one here.

That's to show that he's a professional.

He's savouring it, right?

This is from Robin in London.

Nothing is more disgusting than the way the bald MasterChef presenter takes food off the fork.

It's slower than slow.

The camera always shows it to... Eugh!

He's savouring.

Robin in London.

The bald MasterChef presenter.

Stephen in Glasgow says, I've always noticed that the news reader George Alagaya has a tendency to emphasise words by bobbing his head like the Churchill dog.

As a result, I can no longer watch the news or the Churchill ads because I get too confused.

Oh yes.

George Allaghy, he's great though.

What would you... I've never noticed that.

I'm going to have to study him.

Yeah, he's not great anymore now that we've been switched on to that problem.

I feel attracted to George Allaghy.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a different text the nation.

I think he's very handsome.

Here's one from Jules in Hackney.

I hate presenters who seem to be surprised to have met their interviewee as if by coincidence.

So here I am at the hedgerow with Peter.

Hello Peter!

That is quite annoying, isn't it?

Someone else has texted in about the way they knock on doors and then pretend that the person opening the door hasn't expected them.

It's weird that they still do that, isn't it?

That's just the language of telly, though.

And, you know, whoever opens it always has their hair done and their best nighty on kind of thing.

Here's one from an anonymous texter.

I hate how Tony Robinson in time team neither runs nor walks when somebody calls him to a find.

He's always semi trotting.

The stuff's been in the ground for years.

It'll still be there if you walk.

That's the show, though, isn't it?

Because they do make it seem like an emergency.

They do, yes.

Something 3,000 years old.

Tony Robinson divides people because, I mean, he's well-loved.

He's a national treasure in many ways.

But parents often grumble about him.

Like, my in-laws, really, man.

They hate him, do they?

Well, that's what Telly's for, isn't it?

I think he's scruffy and weird.

Here's one from Adrian in Derry.

I hate it when Adrian Charles touches Christine Blakely unnecessarily.

Adrian Charles is getting a lot of stick at the moment, isn't he?

He's everyone's favourite whipping man.

I really like Adrian Charles.

He's good.

Just because he's on every day.

You know, that's tough for any human being.

I would encourage unnecessary touching as well.

Yeah, I know.

I think it's fine.

More unnecessary.

The more unnecessary the better.

Here's one final one.

Oh, which one shall I do?

Oh yeah, here's a particularly irate one from an anonymous texter.

That annoying Hollins man who does the sport on Breakfast News has this thing where he sits on the sofa with one leg across his knee holding onto his foot.

Does he think he's at home?

He's so casual!

It's weird the values people expect from Telly, isn't it?

Yeah.

I mean, it's difficult to please that many people with so many differing... I mean, you know, in radio terms, there are, I suppose there are people that tune into this show and think, what the heck is going on here?

Well, you'd quickly tune out, wouldn't you?

Because there's more choice in radio and Telly may be a bit more limited.

You were saying there was some guy rambling on a message board or, you know, not rambling, but getting very irate about the fact that we were sort of canvassing for ideas for Text the Nation on our blog and saying, what the heck has the BBC come to where they just lazily ask viewers to come up with all their ideas for the show?

Well, the BBC's got an extra burden to carry, hasn't it?

Because it's got all sorts of weird, you know, expectations linked with people having to pay for it.

Yes.

Here's a proper final one.

This is from Joe in Oxford.

Hi guys, the guy that presents Coast, who was the same bloke who presents the Scotland show Joe was talking about, I think.

Yeah, he is.

He really annoys me, because he always wears a stupid little bag wherever he is.

A tatchel satchel.

What's in the bag?

No one will ever know.

Stupid little bag.

Stupid bag.

I agree, if someone has a bag on telly, show us what's in it.

Do you want to see what's in it?

Maybe that's what keeps people watching.

He's got water and tissues and an orange in there.

Has he?

Yeah.

That's what he carries in his sack.

Here's the flaming lips.

This is the new one from them.

Silver trembling hands.

Have you heard this one, Joe?

I haven't, no.

Can I quickly just say 64046 is the text number and AdamandJoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk for your TV presentational annoyances.

Here's the lip hose, Flipping Ada.

That's the new direction for them.

That's the flaming lips with silver trembling hands.

It's going to be a chart topper, isn't it?

That's going to zoom in there at number one, top of the pops.

Do you think you're being a psyche man?

I don't know.

I mean, it's hard to tell how that kind of stuff goes down these days, isn't it?

I mean, I don't even know what number one is at the moment.

They're no JLS.

What is the number one?

They're no JLS.

Who is JLS?

What's going on?

They're the X Factor's top current successful hit band.

Are they now?

Yeah, they dance like a couple of clockwork... oranges.

Do you know what the number one, the nation's number one is?

I think it might be JLS.

Is it JLS?

I'm not sure it's JLS anymore.

No, I don't.

The answer's no.

I don't think anyone does anymore, do they?

No one knows.

No one knows apart from Simon Cowell.

They make it up.

There's so many different ways of assessing what might be the number one.

Yeah.

Now, in the news, at turn 30, they had a little Vox pop there with a person who'd been to a Coldplay gig.

Let's just hear that Vox pop there.

It was absolutely amazing.

This is like the fourth time I've seen them and they just keep on getting better and better and better.

That's Gwyneth Paltrow, isn't it?

They just found her wandering around at the gig.

They just keep getting better and better.

I've only seen them four times.

They were really good, though.

That's how she speaks.

She's moved to England and she's got the English voice now.

That's how she talks, like Madonna.

And Simon Pegg got up there and blew a little harmonica.

He's done that before.

Has he?

He makes a habit of that, yeah.

You say you're a little chippy about it, aren't you?

Trip-trapping on stage.

You're jealous, man.

Jealous of playing harmonica on a coldplay track.

Yes.

Yeah, no, I am.

I mean, getting up on stage, we're one of the biggest bands in the world.

Yeah.

Playing a bit of harmonica.

Fun for the person, um, doing it.

I always wonder how much fun it is for the audience.

Yeah, it's Simon Pegg, he's one of the most well-loved.

Of course, of course.

Movie stars in the world.

Don't make it personal.

I know Simon, you'll get me in trouble.

Don't you realize the context of these comments?

Show just socially with his arms folded going.

Simon Pegg.

I mean, he's not a very good blues harmonica player though, is he?

Why is he up there?

Do you think he can play the harmonica?

Yeah.

didn't you think he can do anything he can do anything you're quite anyone can play the hard one in it why are you dropping me in it like this what would you play for you as a candid comment between us off air and now you've dragged it on air sorry listen let's uh clearly i think he's brilliant i i wish he was one of coldplay i just say that i i wish he did i wish he played

the drums and slang.

I think, I know it's not about Simon himself, I just think you're just jealous because you want to get invited on stage with a rock band to play an instrument.

Do you think?

Yes, everyone does.

Do you think?

I would love it if I got to do it.

I once played... You did.

You bounded onto stage with Travis and it wasn't it mildly excruciating for the audience but for you.

No, I'm sure it was excruciating for both the audience and me as well.

It was absolutely mortifying, yeah.

I was rubbish.

I was playing the tambourine.

Yeah.

And I suddenly realised I couldn't really play the tambourine.

The thing is, we're not very famous either.

No.

It was much less famous than Travis.

So here's this random man coming on stage to a fan room playing the tambourine really poorly.

Looking really uncomfortable.

You're right.

No, Simon would be exciting for everybody.

Listen, here's a free play.

This is another track from the Pictish Trail album, Secret Sounds.

This is called All I Own.

Isaac Hayes with the theme from Shaft.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

We hope you're having a fantastic Saturday morning.

It's just gone 11 o'clock.

There's clouds and sky.

And yeah, that's like a little weather bulletin.

Yeah, that's accurate.

It's factual.

It's good.

I was seeing where you went with it.

Nowhere.

The new slick joke on board.

Hey, speaking of being slick listeners, a few eagle-eared listeners some noticed that earlier on in the song wars vote, the percentages that we read out added up to 90.

27 and 63, did we say?

Yeah, we don't go for the full 100%.

It's 10% missing.

No, we're like the X Factor judges.

10% of the audience just were angry.

They voted for something else.

But somebody was pointing out in a text that on the X Factor, they always very annoyingly say it's 1,000%.

I'm going to give you 1,000%.

And percentages, I think, now mean something else.

Right.

Do you know they're not used in the way they used to be?

It's not literally.

It's nothing to do with the number 100.

No, it's not literally a division of a unit.

It's just an adjective meaning, you know, lots and lots.

Quite wicked or real.

Yeah.

So that's the mistake you made when you thought that 67 and 23 was less than 100.

So you're wrong and we're right.

They teach that in school.

They do.

Now, today we're doing percentages.

Now, who can tell me what a thousand percent is?

Is it A, Leona Lewis?

Now we've got an exciting announcement for you listeners, and this really is exciting because this is a chance for us all to get together and work on something together and have some fun.

As part of the Electric Proms, do you fancy joining us on stage at the Electric Proms next month?

Oh my God.

Tell the listeners what we're talking about.

We are talking about an amazing live event that's going to happen at the Electric Proms.

It happens during the day, so you've got to be free on this day.

What's the venue, James?

Roundhouse.

Oh, the Roundhouse.

We are looking for two people.

You can be a couple, or a family, or a pair of friends.

Any combination of two people to join us on stage and sing a Song Wars classic.

It's kind of a karaoke thing.

You, if you go to the blog, will be able to find two instrumental versions of our previous Song Wars efforts.

We've got Joe's Quantum of Solace song there, the instrumental version, and the instrumental version of my Nutty Room song.

Yeah, and we want you to make a video of yourself performing one of the songs.

So we're not like talking about Video Wars last year, which was a request for a very creative kind of proper pop video.

This is just kind of, even though you could do that if you wanted.

This is more an audition tape.

An audition tape.

Yeah, we want you to sing the Song Wars song, make a video of it, place it on a video sharing site, and then send us a link to that site.

You know, it doesn't have to be fancy.

As Joe said, you don't have to spend hours making the video.

It's purely for the performance of the song.

Spend all your time honing your singing skills, right?

And that's probably important that they don't actually send the video file itself.

Is that correct?

You send a link to an upload site and then we here at the castle will download it from that site.

That's probably quite important for the technological aspects of the thing.

And, you know, we will go putting links on the blog to some of our favorites.

All these instructions will be in the blog.

Yeah.

So if you don't understand what we're saying, just visit the blog, bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Joe.

And we're going to judge the entries and the winner for each song will perform with us on stage at the Electric Proms in London on the 22nd of October.

Yeah.

During the day, not in the evening.

If you want to pick, because sometimes with things like this, I like to get a mental picture of the event.

So it's not going to be on the main stage at the roundhouse.

It's going to be in one of the toilets.

Maybe actually in the urinal.

So if you're picturing like a massive venue, you know, like Simon in the Coldplay gig.

Raise that from your mind.

Imagine a much smaller room.

What sort of audience are we talking about, James?

About 200 people.

Will they be listeners?

Well, we're going to get into that in another show.

If you don't want to make the video, but you want to attend, there'll be a way to do that.

But we'll get to that in a few weeks time.

And yeah, it's going to be like a big party, really.

And we're going to be playing the backing tracks to those two songs that you can access on our blog.

And then we'll invite the two winners up on stage to perform their renditions of those songs.

Will we actually sing with them or no?

We might do.

I don't know.

It's all open to discussion, isn't it?

Anything could happen.

But what we're doing is keeping the default level of this competition very simple.

Yeah.

So at its base level, it's just you with a mic doing a karaoke version of a song.

But if you want to introduce more elaborate elements, like if you're a band or if you want to use an instrument or do a dance or dress up or something, then that's up to you.

Exactly.

You can get creative with it.

But at the very least, it's just about doing a kind of karaoke version.

The deadline for submitting your video, uh, links, that is, is Wednesday the 14th of October.

At 4 p.m., after 4 p.m., you will not be counted!

What if it's a tiny, lame child that enters a video at 4 p.m.

and one second past 4?

Lame, lame boy.

Little Toddy Pipkins, injured his leg.

Can't he enter?

No, it's the BBC, it's after four tough luck Toddy Pipkins.

Out you hobble.

Little Toddy Pipkins hobbling away with nothing to eat at having a terrible day.

Tough luck Pipkins!

Next time, in before 4pm on Wednesday the 14th of October or no fun for you.

We'll reveal the winners on this show on Saturday the 17th of October.

What an exciting event, what an amazing competition.

Yeah, it is.

I'm looking forward to seeing some of those performances.

I know, you can finally do your Simon Cowell impression.

Yes.

This is the most amazing version of a Quantum of Solace I have ever seen in my life.

No, this is the most amazing version of The Quantum of Solace I've ever seen.

Here's Blur with Beatle Bum.

That's good, isn't it?

That's Blur with Beatle Bum and, of course, Sean Keveny's programme on Six Music, his breakfast show, came from Alex James' very big house in the country.

Of course it did.

Yesterday.

Don't just fixate on my little bit of DJing talk there.

Dear Adam and Joe, I hate it when Adam Buxton says, of course, in the beginning of a sentence.

Of course what?

Well you always say, yes it's text the nation time.

Yes, listen it's text the nation time.

I know I do.

I like it though.

We're going to be saying it.

Dear Adam and Jo, I hate it when Adam Buxton complains about Jo Cornish presenting and then messes up himself and then he can't even speak.

He's like a monkey with a rotten elbow.

Um, yes, so go to the iPlayer and you can listen to Sean Kievny's show from Alex James' farm again, and as many times as you wish.

Now let's have the jingle, so that afterwards Joe can say, yes, it's textination time listeners.

Textination.

Text, text, text, textination.

What if I don't want to?

Textination.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

Yes, listeners!

It's time for a tooth-a-new show.

The part of the show where the pau-pau-da-pack-da-pack-da-da-ho-d send them in.

Ho-ho-ho.

Yeah, you really mixed it up, haven't you?

I changed it.

Radically.

Totally radically changed it.

Radically changed it.

Like Lou Reed.

Is that a success?

Reinventing it.

Yeah, I think that's good.

You should always do it like that from now on.

It's all about text the nation this week, listers.

It's all about annoying things on telly, annoying presentational techniques on telly.

Here's one from Marco in Archway.

I hate the way Stephen Fry keeps taking photos on his iPhone on that animal show Last Chance.

He's got a film crew with him to record it properly.

Why doesn't he just sky plus the show?

That's a fair point.

I mean, I haven't seen that, but that sounds annoying.

It's very iPhone heavy.

I must say I'm surprised.

That's a BBC show.

They had a BBC directive about five years ago, which was to do with, I forget what the phraseology was, but they said they were desperate for passionate experts.

What was it?

There were two words they used and they kind of buzz drowned production companies.

because they decided that all documentaries had to be presented by recognizable, passionate, friendly figures who had a personal connection with the subject.

And that's why you end up with all these bits of people doing something personal.

They keep him taking photos in because it makes him more real and less authoritative.

But maybe it's starting to get annoying.

Well, celebrity-led docs in general are... Are the Rupert Everett one I call to repeat of?

Oh yeah!

Droning on about Byron and then shots of him just sitting drinking coffee in Venice while talking about Byron.

They should illustrate it with some maybe pictures of Byron?

Would that be a good idea?

Well no, because you've got the dual layers of interest there.

Yeah, but one isn't interesting.

Well, that's yours.

That's my opinion, yeah.

Okay, here's another one from LB in Avoc, pronounced Oc, as in Lock.

Neil Oliver showed us what was in his bag at Ghislaine Beach in the most recent series of Coast.

There was sandwiches and an old copy of some magazine with a picture of some football team, might have been Rangers, running up Murder Hill.

That's very specific.

I've only read that one out because we were wondering what was in his bag.

Yeah, yeah, that's resolved that, you know.

I thought it was some water, some tissues and an orange.

Turned out it was none of those things.

A couple of tampons.

It was sandwich and some porn.

I hate the way, says Ben from Sheffield.

Daphne from Eggheads.

Smuggly mouths the answers to the contestants' questions while they're struggling to come up with the answer.

She's such a righteous granny.

I don't know who Daphne from Eggheads is.

I don't know what Eggheads is.

It's kind of a quiz, a weird quiz thing.

Is it BBC?

It's a weird, like, late afternoon quiz thing.

Yeah, we don't know about that, but it sounded, it was a very passionate text, so I thought I should read it out.

She obviously watches a lot.

You know Eggheads?

It is one from Michelle in West Derby.

I hate how Natasha Koplinski ends the news with a very high, yet dismissive, bye!

You see, you're in trouble with the news.

You can never get it right, can you?

You either sound too kind of relaxed or... With me, it's the outfits.

I mean, I'm certainly going to sound like an old duffer, but sometimes they wear outfits that look as if they've just come out of a science fiction film, you know?

On the news.

The seventies, yeah.

Really?

Like absolutely mental, um, crazy dresses that women wear sometimes.

You just think, what are you doing?

That's totally distracting.

You've got like a silver jumpsuit on with big, weird pipes coming off it.

Pipes?

Yeah.

Charlatan Newcastle says, Simon Schmar, Sharma, history of Britain, defies gravity by walking up steep hills where battles have been with his hands in his pocket.

How does he remain upright?

She's just annoyed because he's sure-footed.

That's not fair.

Simon Shama is another target for dads, though, for bile.

My dad is always grumbling about Simon Shama.

Well, in a second, I'll give you the top three annoying people according to our correspondents this morning.

Shut up.

I'm going to put him in the leaky boat along with Jan Leaming.

Oh.

Sounds like a nice leaky boat.

That was his phrase.

I will put them in a leaky boat.

Wow.

He wants them to drown slowly.

Yeah.

And realize that they're sinking for quite a long time before they die so they can discuss it.

Exactly.

And really suffer.

Yeah.

That's nice.

And leaving a silent camera screaming with fear.

Oh god!

Who did this to us?

Was it Nigel Buxton?

Hovering in a helicopter.

My dad just laughed with a zoom lens.

That sounds right.

I told him this would happen.

I've been telling him for years.

That was him, I didn't warn them.

That would be a better plot for a film or something, wouldn't it?

If somebody like took out a really petty... Anyway, here's one from Rory.

I find it particularly irritating when presenters are pretending to be doing other work or just going about their normal life and are then rudely interrupted by a BBC cameraman and are quickly forced into doing a link about the construction of Roman vases.

This particularly happens in technology and history programs.

That's the same as the door, the door, stop, step thing.

Yeah.

Right.

People are pretending to be surprised by the fact that they're doing a link.

And here's a very angry one from Peter Newcastle.

For all these years of experience, John Craven has never managed to master walking and talking.

If his cruel owners at Country File force him to perform both simultaneously, he'll have to look at his feet, maybe to avoid cow poo, and move very slowly.

Not like Kate Humble.

That girl can walk and talk.

Peter Newcastle.

That's good.

I would think John Craven was beyond reproach.

Should we have some more of these later on in the show?

This could go on forever.

I mean, we could just read these out nonstop for another 40 minutes.

Well, we were thinking of bringing back, you know, co-opting the points of view song, Blah, Boobity-Bya, which we've played before.

And making this a regular complaints segment.

We could call it Pointless Views.

The top three worst offenders according to the quantity of messages we've had.

Evan Davis is annoying a lot of people on Dragon's Den.

I love him.

It's not our opinion.

This is our listeners' opinion.

Greg, the baldy judge from MasterChef, seems to get everywhere.

Everything he does seems to be infuriating for people.

And Steve on Land of the Lost Volcano, not a show I've watched, but many people are texting and emailing to say he has an awful habit of taking his shirt off the whole time.

That's Steve on Land of the Lost Volcano.

Those are our three prime, tele-presenting villains.

We'll have some more of these just before the end of the show.

Right now, here's a free play for you.

This is from Wilco's last album, which I've been enjoying very much, and this is Sunny Feeling.

Oh, I just knocked by Guy Garvey again.

Oh, man.

How's it feeling right now?

It's the painkillers are wearing off, and it's absolutely agony.

Someone else sent us a picture of their elbow, and they've got a similar thing, Catherine, I think.

Is something bursitis?

It's basically- Is that the name of the spider?

No, no, it's just an infected elbow pad.

You know what I mean?

Because that pad at the end of the elbow is quite easy to infect because it's just a big spongy leaning pad.

Right.

So you can get it quite easily.

You've got to take care of it.

I found out after years of being cavalier with my elbows.

Never again.

And then someone else said I should draw like a biro mark around the red area and check whether it's, you know, at night.

And then in the morning, check whether it's spread.

I think it is spreading quite a lot.

But I went to the doctor and the doctor said I was okay.

But now I think I might just go to the hospital after this show because I think the arm's going to be coming off soon.

It's really painful.

Anyway, this is Adam and Jo.

You're going to make me feel now, aren't you?

Six music, are you?

No, no, come on.

Come, come, come, come.

I'll tell you a funny story.

Last night, me and some friends went to see Adam's bug at the BFI Southbank.

That's true, yes.

And we were standing there having a drink, and a woman came up to us with a bowl of chips.

She said, chips?

We went, mmm, thank you, and took some and stuffed our mouths.

It turned out she was asking whether we'd ordered them.

Oh, I see.

We mistook them for canapes.

And that's just a really short little funny story.

I mean, it's not very funny, but it's short.

And look, now it's... That's a fun story.

But listen, I can rejoin with the fact that I was there talking to a human and I went for the handshake, right?

But they went for the hug.

So, in the confusion between the handshake and the hug, um, my beer, which I was holding, I was holding a pint, just got sloshed, got knocked, and it sloshed right over my left arm.

So, my whole sleeve was absolutely soaked with beer, but I just felt, I couldn't mention it, and I, it would be...

human notice?

He didn't notice no but the other guy who was standing with us noticed and he couldn't really talk he couldn't really join in because all he was thinking like I'm gonna mention the fact that his arm is now soaked with beer but I couldn't because I thought it would derail the social interaction.

Couple of great stories and they've taken us perfectly up to the news.

It's 11 30 here is the news.

Timeless, absolutely timeless, that sparks with this town ain't big enough for the both of us this is the rock show here on VC6 Music.

Oh I'm in the wrong studio.

Yeah.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I thought this was Adam and Joe.

No, no.

This is The Rock Show here on Bc6 Music.

Non-stop rock.

Rocking all the time.

Have a good show.

Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Cheers.

Sorry about that.

Okay.

Coming up, we got some Steve Vai for you.

Steve's going to be playing for 15 minutes non-stop.

Some stuff on his guitar and then after that we're gonna play it again exactly the same way after that We're gonna play it backwards, and then we're gonna play some rock and after that a bit more rock Okay, this is a rock show.

I hate the rock show.

Well.

I love the rock show I'm confused about the rock show now.

Don't worry, babe

Listen, listeners, you know I wrote this song about Margaret Mountford, the lovely lady, what was Alan Sugar's assistant on The Apprentice, the popular BBC Two series about... Well, no, I'm really nervous.

It was a sort of unironic love song, in a way, wasn't it?

It's hard to tell what was going on with the song, but it was a triumph and it won.

Did it win?

I think so.

Did it win, maybe?

Maybe it didn't win.

My song was about Stephen Fry in that one.

Yeah.

But we banged on and on and on about how we wanted Margaret Mountford to hear it.

Oh, yeah, no.

So I forgot that it was a different one.

It was an apprentice week.

So yours was an apprentice one.

Yours was good.

It was like, he's a stupid moron.

Anyway, we banged on and on about trying to get Margaret Mountford to hear our songs.

And, you know, people listen to this show, surprisingly.

Some of whom work in the media, people in the BBC, Danny Wallace.

Yeah, there you go.

So, but nobody's kind of bigger than that because for some reason, Margaret Mountford was doing the rounds, as they say.

She was appearing on lots of different shows.

Was she promoting something or something?

I thought she was retiring.

Well, she is retiring, but maybe she must have had some business.

A charity thing.

There you go.

And I think our producer, James Stirling, a terrific producer, you've got how many requests for the use of the song.

He got three different producers calling him, one from Radio 2, one from BBC Wales, and one from You and Yours on BBC Radio 4, all asking whether they could play the song to Margaret Mountford, who we'd already established has heard the song because it was played in

on the You're Fired studio record.

Yes.

But they're not used in the final edit.

Right.

So poor old Margaret Mountford has been travelling from studio to studio and in each one they've tried to sort of break the song to her, which is enormously flattering.

I don't mean to sound, you know, churlish about that fact.

It's wonderful that people would listen and try and play it to her.

But I'm not sure she thinks it's that wonderful.

She's probably quite confused.

I think so.

It's a confusing song.

You know, it's not overtly funny in any way.

And if you take it seriously, then it's probably pretty creepy.

So it's hard to know how to approach it.

But this is what happened when Danny Wallace tried to surprise her with the song here on Six Music.

Have you heard this song about you?

I have.

You have?

Yes, I have.

Well, let us play it and let's keep Margaret's mic up then for Joe so that we can get your reaction to, well, the Margaret Mountford song.

Standing at the back Making notes on a pad In a Taylor Mac Deciding who gets sacked At Sir Allen's side A trusted employee A handsome woman with so much dignity

She's rolling her eyes.

She looks happy.

I'm not sure my hair's like a cloud.

They're all like some poetic lines and so on.

Okay, fair enough.

I think I've got to go on that note.

You stay exactly where you are Margaret Mumford.

There's 30 seconds left.

She's trying to leave the studio.

And bring it down, I'll tell you why.

I was expecting you to kind of go, this is a beautiful song and I enjoy it.

Instead, Margaret Manf was pointing at her watch and mouthing the words, I have to go.

I thought she was joking.

She's collected her papers together and she's halfway out of the chair.

And now she's too embarrassed to speak.

Just break it down for... Oh, Margaret!

Well, here's a CD.

Pass that to Margaret.

You can listen to it in your Bentley.

Thank you very much.

With Sir Alan.

You may leave, Margaret Melford.

Thank you very much.

There you go.

So she was a bit freaked out by it, I think, and had to run away from it.

Yeah.

I mean, that's hardly surprising, really, is it?

No.

It's like the song of a kind of creepy stalker.

It's probably confusing and unpleasant to be the focus of someone's questionable talent in that way.

What did you say?

So you're saying my talent's questionable, yes.

Well, it's hard to know what you're doing with your skills.

Yeah.

Well, what I'm doing with my skill, why?

Yeah, why?

She doesn't know who you are.

She's not like she doesn't know the context.

Well, that's the thing, isn't it?

You've got to know that it was like a competition and we chose the subject under pressure and we had limited time to do it.

That's the problem with song was that's why they sort of, you know, they're like little little damaged styling chicks that struggle out of the net.

You know, what if someone that you'd never met just sort of unveil someone sent in this thing and it was from some guy in Germany.

I'm Joe Cornish.

He's a long guy.

He's very, very cool.

I would like it a lot.

Would you?

Yeah.

I chose the wrong song.

Joe Cornish.

He says, I'm an R a lot and his nose is pointed.

Oh, he's got shoes.

This is not a good example.

It's a very good example.

I would love that and I would have that guy in the studio and he would become the third member of the team and the song would be played over and over again.

I mean, it would be amazing.

I'd invite him round to dinner, none of which Margaret Mountford has done for me.

She just wants to get as far away from me as she possibly can.

Well, that's fair enough.

Danny Wallace handled it well as well there.

That song's following her around like a cloud of old thought.

Like an airborne toxic event.

Here is Wild Beasts right now.

Is this their new single, James?

Yeah, this is from their album Two Dancers, which is an absolute peach.

This is All the King's Men.

Very nice.

Wild Beasts with All the King's Men.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

And I think it's time to conclude this week's Text the Nation.

Let's have the jingle.

Text the Nation.

Text, Text, Text, Text the Nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, Text.

Annoying Habits that presenters have is the theme of Text the Nation this week.

See what I did there?

I swapped it around.

I cut it in half and put the end of the beginning.

Now it's different and you can't tease me.

Yes!

Annoying Habits is the subject this week.

This is from Kathy and Sheffield.

I hate how Dara O'Brien goes immediately after everything he says that he thinks is hilarious.

It drives me mad.

That's the thing that a lot of stand-ups do though, isn't it?

We've had various communications about Graham Norton doing that as well.

I mean, I guess what do you do?

You do it to fill the space while the audience laugh, while they process the joke.

It's the moment where they're thinking about the joke before they laugh, isn't it, that he's filling in, is he?

Yes, exactly.

They're leaving a pause for a laugh, but they're trying to make it sound like a conversational tick.

Is it a subliminal cue for a laugh?

Is it telling the audience subconsciously learnt that whenever he goes, they're supposed to laugh?

Yes, exactly.

And he can pop it in after a weak joke and they know it's a joke.

And the other one was Gordon Brown.

Exactly.

That kind of thing.

Here's one from Warren in Chaderton.

When Phillips Gofield says, uh, bracket somebody like, the sugar babes have been practicing all morning and are sounding great, then they blatantly mime.

He's complaining about that.

Now that's on this morning.

Oh, that can't happen.

Not these days.

Oh, no.

He often says that because he's often watched them in rehearsal.

Right.

And says they're sounding great.

Yeah.

And then they just mime the track later.

I think that's a good observation from Warren.

Here's another one from Ali in Edinburgh.

Hi, guys.

I used to have to walk out the room in absolute sweating, swearing fury as that Shan Lloyd woman did the weather.

Argh!

The overly stretched hands, the wrist at a stupid angle, the hair, the big daft face, and the worst bit that made my blood boil was the way you could actually hear the saliva clicking in her ridiculously wide mouth as she tried to talk in the old-school BBC accent.

It's quite insulting, actually, isn't it?

I think this is more Ali's problem than Sean's.

Argh, swearing, cringing.

People do form a very personal... Bonds, yeah.

...attachment, don't they, to people on TV and they get very, very into the... Yeah, I was saying one of my favourite things in the Sunday newspapers is in the Sunday Times Culture section in the TV Guide, they have a little box in the right-hand corner of the page where people write in single-paragraph telly rants, and sometimes they're extraordinarily passionate and vindictive.

They really make me laugh.

Who's the guy that does the 6 o'clock show in London tonight?

What is his name, that Geeze?

Aleister Stewart.

He is an absolute oilbag.

So he's your leaky boat.

He's in your leaky boat.

Here's one from Noel on the Avon.

Morning Adam and Jo.

Everything the T14 do in their intro spots makes me want to live in a cave.

You know who used to get me on T4 was Jun Sarpong.

Like, Jun Sarpong started out having quite a different presentational style to the one she does now.

Like, now she's far more polished and she's an important political figure.

But she used to behave like she was just stoned out of her mind.

You know what I mean?

Well, maybe this T4.

Quite a few people have emailed us and texted us complaining about Homes Under the Hammer.

Here's one from Paul.

Have you noticed how the music on Homes Under the Hammer is so literally related to a particular problem or feature of the property the presenters are talking about?

For instance, if it's a bit of a wreck with a dodgy roof, they'll play Fixing a Hole by the Beatles.

Or if it doesn't have a south-facing garden, they'll play Dark End of the Street.

We talked about this years ago.

We did talk about it.

I was trying to record that to clip out, to build up enough examples to play.

Jimmy Bignuts.

Do you remember Jimmy Bignuts' journey?

Maybe I'll bring that in next week.

Oh, that's true.

You did a whole thing about it.

Yeah, that was funny.

No, because it happens a lot on documentaries, particularly on the BBC, where they don't have to pay rights.

But that show is really bad.

Right.

Holmes Under the Hammer for that phenomenon.

It's really annoying.

I know the classic one I saw was a really rubbish documentary about Asbos or something.

and they had a shot of some horses in a field and they played horses by Patti Smith over it.

Really?

You think, what?

What's the point of that?

How is that enhancing the dock in any way?

Here's a final one from Zandy Thomas.

It says, Hello Adam and Jo, I can't bloom in Stan test daily on Strictly.

She stands next to Brucie, gurning and flaring her nostrils like some sort of she-bull.

She's also constantly gesticulating, in a manner akin to an animatronic character from a Disney ride.

She'd be great stood in the phantom manner frightening tiny wee children.

She also has robo boobs, but I like them.

So thanks to everyone.

We had such a good response to that.

A lot of passionate opinion, some of it pretty irrational, but that's what we wanted.

And don't forget, of course, that you can contribute your opinions on that subject still during the week for retro-textination, which we'll do on next week's programme.

Yeah, the email address is adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

We will not be accepting texts anymore.

Just email during the week, please, if you have something to contribute.

Now, you've got a free choice for us, Joe.

Yeah, you know, I get fed up

with, like, joke pop reggae being played all the time on radio.

And I thought it was time for some... What do you mean?

What kind of thing?

Well, I just think it's time people played some hardcore, like, obscure, proper, you know, Jamaican reggae.

Something really rootsy.

Something authentic.

Fair enough.

So here's Musical Youth with Pass the Dutch.

That's it from us this week, listeners.

Thanks very much to everybody who texted or emailed the programme.

Don't forget to check out our blog during the week.

There's a podcast available of the show in edited form that'll be available from Monday evening, I think.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up.

Don't forget to check out the details of our karaoke competition.

It's all on the blog there.

You can be performing with us at the Electric Bronze.

We'll be back with you next week at the same time.

Thanks for listening.

Yeah.

Love you.

Bye.

Bye