The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (12 September 2009)

And welcome to the Big British Castle It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio There'll be some music and some random talking in between And then eventually the whole thing will just end Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one Black Squadron wrote

Went to bed at a reasonable hour, Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning, That's the secret of the Squirt brings back.

Good morning Black Squadron, you are the Elite Listening Force, the Faithful, the Few of the Few, the Best of the Few, the Pu... what?

The what of the what?

The Few of the Pu?

No, the Pu of the Few?

Black Squadron are the Elite Listening Squad that listen to this show live between 9am and 9.30am every morning.

If you're in another country listening live, you're Globe Squadron.

There are various other squadron subsets that can be researched.

Yeah.

Rupert Everett, are you talking about?

He was in another country and he might be listening live.

Nice.

Yeah, exactly.

Rupert, what do you think of his new face?

Has he got a new face?

Yeah, he's had his face done.

He's had it totally reconstructed.

Especially for his, he made a documentary about Lord Byron.

Oh, yes.

And he's had a new face done for it.

Because that's a Byron thing to do.

Byron was obsessed with being young.

Yeah.

Was he?

I think so.

He was a dandy, wasn't he?

Probably.

He was vain.

He looks very young and handsome now.

Does he?

He doesn't look like a freaky kind of plastic man.

Yes, he does.

Very young and handsome.

That's what usually happens when people have surgery on their face.

Oh, dear.

I just had a crank two flashback.

What's that?

It's a film, Crank 2.

I watched it last night.

You had a flashback.

It's traumatised me.

A woman gets shot in her plastic bosoms.

Right.

They're pushing out the boat.

That was 15 minutes in.

Thinking of great new things to show people.

That visual just flashed back into my head.

You loved Crank 1 as well, didn't you?

Did love Crank One.

You recommended that so strongly that I took it home one Christmas when we had loads of people staying with us.

Christmas with Crank.

I got some Christmas with Crank.

And so there was an evening, and it was an exciting evening.

I said, come on, let's watch a film.

This is a good one.

Everyone's like, what have you got?

Oh, it's a good one.

It's been recommended to me by Joe.

You had guests around.

Yeah.

This is a really good, Joe says this is amazing.

Stuck it on, projected it on the wall and got everyone to sit round, handed out snack rolls.

Crank!

I'm gonna go.

I'm quite tired.

I'll see you tomorrow.

That was a lovely day.

Thanks very much.

It's like screening in at an old people's home.

A bunch of crotchety old grandads.

Cranks the future!

If you're not into crank, then you might as well give up on culture.

Cranks the new beginning!

Have you got a message for Black Squadron?

Not only have I got a message, I've got a command.

Black Squadron, you're about to be issued your command.

Remember, if you don't carry out this command, you can consider yourself summarily ejected from the squadron.

You can kick yourself out of your own front door.

So we're going to play a record.

Just before the record, we're going to give you the command that you have to undertake.

Is the record standing by?

Okay Black Squadron, here's your command.

Proceed as quickly as possible to a mirror, look at yourself in it, slap yourself round the face and shout SNAP OUT OF IT!

That was an invented fact.

We should have an invented fact.

We'd be playing it round the clock.

That was an invented fact.

That was based on spurious guesswork.

Could be the other jingle.

Yeah.

Kiss of Life by Friendly Fires is the song we just play.

Friendly Fires are presenting a show on 6 Music this Sunday as part of our month of Mercurys.

And they didn't win anything at the Mercurys, I'm afraid to say, but that hasn't stopped them, you know, putting their chin up, jutting their chin out and saying, never mind, there's always next year, there's always the chance we might get a Mercury nom next year.

Who won the Mercury nom last year?

Well, the big Mercury winners were Elbow, weren't they?

Ah, were they?

And this year it was Speech to Bell.

I mean Elbow was sort of well established before they won the Mercury, so there's no question of them fading from view the way some people who have won the Mercury Prize in the past have done.

Have they really?

Do some people consider it as a bit of a kiss of death?

Well, it's a poisoned chalice for some people, isn't it?

Who was the guy Ronnie Sighs and his represent?

Right, you don't really want approbation from above, do you, if you're a rebellious pop type?

No, exactly.

You don't want to be formed prefect or the head boy.

You don't want to be stroked by the head boy.

You want to be at the back of the bus flicking V's.

Well done, speech to Belle.

Well done.

All the chaps think you've done a brilliant job on your album.

You're gobbing in the street as the best gobbing in the school.

Well done with your Flemmy bits.

You're a naughty chap and we think that's great.

Top marks.

Here's a prize and a cheque to go with.

We've given up trying to get everybody to speak proper.

From now on the whole school gonna speak not proper.

And you're going to be the leader of them.

Wicked, well done.

Grim, grim, grim it.

Listen, I'm not going to dress the same way as you, just so you know, or behave like you, or actually listen to the records you're making.

But good job, there's the check.

I want people to think I'm cool like you.

Stand next to you, give you a prize.

Look at me disco dancing.

Speech to Belle come round for dinner with me.

That's not the head of the Mercury.

It's a little song he sung just backstage after he'd given her the prize.

You know, the people that decide the Mercury Prize, the nominees and the winners, are nothing like that.

Freddie Mercury.

It's nothing to do with Freddie Mercury.

They're all young, intelligent, groovy people.

Nothing like the way we've just characterized them.

It's another made up fact.

You see, we just have to have that as a music bed, basically, not a jingle.

Now, can you hear that I've got a cold?

Yeah, listeners, Adam came in today looking very under the weather with a terrible cold.

Yeah.

And you're doing very well on coming in.

I've got some Medicaid decisions.

Well, I wasn't sure if I should come in because, you know, a few months back, it was a big deal.

Like on the news, it was like, well, if you've got a cold, should you go into work?

And the consensus was no, you shouldn't because it's putting your coworkers at risk of the pandemic.

But then I thought the pandemic's over a little you just flinched.

Well, I said that very loud and I suddenly had a sort of Medical flash you I should have covered my mouth with I could see the disease molecules flying through the air towards me covering my mouth with a medicated tissue I had a macro flash

Is that better?

Yeah, that's better.

Keep talking.

If I carry on talking.

It's very ghastly because of the beard.

Right.

I can't do that.

That's ridiculous.

But no, I did wonder if I should come in.

But then on the other hand, the good thing about having a cold is that it does give a special quality to your voice, right?

A special kind of a tambourine.

Yeah, no, it's good.

It's sounding good.

I sound a bit like the lady.

Who's the lady that does the sort of trails before our show starts?

Can you play that thing?

The sexy, bored one.

The sexy one.

She says everything the same way.

I'm so bored.

She is sexy.

Six music.

It's a day from two.

John Holmes.

Yeah.

From midday.

Liz Kershaw.

What?

And now, it's Adam and Joe.

Who cares?

She just talks like that.

Stuff him down the toilet.

All the time.

Who cares?

Listen darling, I'm going to the shops.

Do you want anything?

Actually hang on.

Tonight?

What?

Half price.

Fish fingers.

Yeah.

Do you want fish fingers for tea?

Okay, that's what we'll have.

Do you want potatoes or broccoli?

It's 7.15.

Or both.

The bill.

I don't know why she extended it there.

I think she got stuck.

Also, folks, we've got song wars coming up.

We failed to tease that so far.

15 minutes into the show.

We're going to do that maybe between 10 and 10.30 maybe give them their first outings or before that maybe before 10.

Who knows?

Nobody knows.

But in the next quarter of an hour, sorry to interrupt you there Joe, we're going to do retro text the nation.

We're going to be wrapping up our business from last week's text the nation which was our cinema manifesto.

That's going to happen in the next 15 minutes, maybe even in the next link or after a couple of tracks.

Here's a free play for you right now, and this is getting into the spirit of our Song Wars battle, which was all about baths, right?

Yes.

We've done bath songs for you, which you can hear after 10 o'clock on the show.

So this is the first of a couple of specially themed free plays for me.

Nice.

This is Zafex Twin with Analog Bubble Bath.

I like to listen to Adam and John But I listen to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel a cute frustration Because I couldn't join in with Tex the Nation

But now my troubles have disappeared Because Red's Road takes big nations here And now my letter might be read out Instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about

Yes, listeners, it's time for Retro Text the Nation, and if you don't listen to this show in podcast form, then this will be a new kind of feature for you, and the idea is to kind of settle business with last week's Text the Nation subject.

It's an opportunity for podcast listeners to contribute to the programme, you see, because if the show is live and then they listen to the show during the week, then they can't contribute to Text the Nation, right?

But with Retro Text the Nation, they can.

Because they get a one more chance, right?

The following weekend.

Or listen again, listeners.

You don't want to make any kind of a... Actually, I do.

Well, you didn't know what I was going to say.

You don't want to make any kind of a... And now you've said you do.

I do.

What if I was going to say you don't want to make any kind of a small fascist state that you command over and rule with a hideously violent regime of oppression?

That's exactly what I want to do.

Whereabouts?

I want to construct it up.

near where I live.

In a tent.

Don't put it all the way up near where you live.

You know, because I've got no truck with the Listen Again listeners.

I want to fight all of them.

What?

I want to fight.

There's only 50 of them.

I can take all of them on.

There's more than 50 of them.

55,000.

There's probably hundreds and thousands.

I'm not scared of them.

They're hundreds and thousands.

I'm supposed to be impressed by them and the fact they can listen to something on the iPlayer without it sticking every two seconds.

I'm supposed to be impressed by that?

You're not!

You're gonna regret that.

You've alienated a massive tranche of listeners.

I thought you were going to say I've alienated Tron.

You've alienated a massive Tron.

I've alienated Tron, that would be awful.

Listen, we should get on with this because the news is coming up and we'll run out of time.

Yes.

But last week's Texan Nation subject was contributions to a cinema manifesto, 10 points which will improve the enjoyability of cinemas around the country.

improving the experience of going to the cinema.

OK, so we've got 13 candidate points.

You've got to tell us, Adam, which one of these are going to make it onto the manifesto.

This is from Gary Chamberlain.

He says, and this was a good one, cinema should have headphone sockets in the seats.

I like it.

We're going for that.

That's going on the manifesto.

Yes.

I really like that one.

Tick.

Tom in Loughborough says, when the film is on, the cinema should be engulfed in utter darkness.

The only light in the room should be from the projector.

Absolutely.

So he wants exit signs, got rid of any kind of distracting points of light.

You can have little glowy exit signs.

No, no, no.

Tom says no.

No health and safety.

No other light apart from the projector.

Fair enough.

Yes.

Yeah, I like it.

People might get hurt, but it's a small price to pay.

I don't mind.

For enjoyment.

Pauline Maidenhead, all popcorn should be crushed and chewed so that when eaten, it does not disrupt the film.

Yeah, we discussed this in detail.

We did.

Like, whether you want spotty teenagers feeding you food like a bird.

Pre-masticated popcorn.

Is there any way we could just get attractive people to do it?

Sexy people.

Then I would really go for the idea.

Like the shop Abercrombie and Fitch apparently only employs really sexy staff.

Did you read about that?

They've got in trouble for discrimination.

Allegedly.

Yeah.

So it would be a bit like that.

Right.

Sexy discrimination.

So you'd prefer like a sexy staff member.

Yeah.

You'd eat masticated food from a sexy staff member.

Duh.

Alright.

That's a no-brainer.

I'd do it.

It's in.

It's point number three.

Point number four.

Seat should be magnetised to stop people going to the toilet more than once, said Dave and Mike, even if this involves inserting metal into their buttocks.

You know, this is a fun idea.

It's a fun idea, but I'm not going for it.

It's totally impractical to insert metal into the butox.

Just quickly, I'd say it can be done.

That kind of quick surgery is practiced by the NHS all the time.

No, no, no.

Plus I like going to the loo.

All right.

People must clap and cheer when the film certificate is shown at the beginning of the film to show their excitement.

That's a kind of retro thing that people used to do in the past.

They've stopped doing.

We're going to force people to.

Yes.

Yeah.

Cinema passport, you receive a stamp every time you see a film so you can show off about the films you've seen.

What do you think?

You don't like that.

I'm not so sure about that.

That's a bit positive.

I don't like passports at all in general.

It's going out.

Cinema should provide armrests for each seat to avoid elbow jostling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm worried.

I think we're going to crash the news.

We've got two minutes.

Coats on seats are acceptable, but those seats should be paid for.

There isn't a name after this.

This came in from a very opinionated listener who we suspected might be a cinema manager.

A cinema manager who wants to make some extra money.

No, that's not on it.

It's coming off.

Well, this means you've rejected three, so we've got to have all the rest.

Seats should be assigned in height order, so tall people always sit at the back.

That's from Robin Highsman.

It doesn't have to be a ten-point plan, though, does it?

Yes, from Church Crookum.

So that has to go in.

David Des Moines from Iowa in the USA says, no advertisements or previews before the movie starts.

The movie will start at the stated time, not 15 minutes later after the previews and advertisements.

What's he saying there?

Is he banning trailers?

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just looking at his message and thinking about it with my mind.

I don't know.

We don't know what he'd say.

Hey, here is someone called Tron.

Tron Halstvet, formerly of Glasgow, now in Q8, says there should be a brief signal to identify that this is the last big important scene.

This will help with confusing forward-slash-crap films and also gives you an appropriate bladder release countdown.

Ah, this is confusing, isn't it?

I think he's talking about a sort of klaxon going off when an important scene happens, so you can pay attention.

Yep, yep.

Would you have that klaxon go off?

No, I think... No!

Listen, should we go to the news and come back to this?

No, there's no way we're coming back to this.

Are you insane?

That's great.

Thanks very much for all your suggestions.

That's the end of our plan.

It doesn't have to be a 10-point plan.

It's a brilliant cinema manifesto and we appreciate all your help.

Listen, we'll tidy this up and stick it on the blog and tidy it up for you.

We've got to stand down, Black Squadron, and then we'll go straight into the news at 9.30 here on BBC 6 Music.

I was just saying while that was playing, there's a lot of longers in that song.

I mean, that's a brilliant classic song, Roxy Music, Love is the Drug, right?

But still, there's like long sections that if I was the editor in there, if I was producing that, I'd just say, listen, no one's going to mind if we just nip that bit out.

What, bits when he's not singing?

When he's going...

yeah i mean are you applying are you applying your song wars mind to that because you couldn't really get away with that in the song wars could you no absolutely you'd have to you have to think i'm gonna lose them if i if i spend 16 bars just go oh

But that's the difference between a real song and our songs.

In real songs you can get away with that kind of thing.

In our songs you think, well I gotta be imparting some sort of information.

But this is what I'm saying.

Even Brian Ferry is not allowed.

That level of indulgence.

Oh come along.

That's rubbish isn't it?

Yeah, it's rubbish.

He can, he can OO-ers, whenever.

He can do whatever he wants.

In a lounge suit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying.

I thought it sounded lovely and it was integral to the structure of the song.

Listen, I absolutely love the song.

I'm not bringing it, actually I am bringing it down, aren't I?

Supergrass, not supergrass, but hot rats do a cover of that track on their forthcoming album.

Are you saying they do it better?

Do they cut out the errs?

If they don't, then you haven't got a leg to stand on.

No, I don't, do I?

That wouldn't be the first time, though.

No.

I'm more or less hobbling around without a leg to stand on.

Yeah, your peg leg buckles.

Peg leg buckles?

Here comes peg leg buckles.

I've got no leg to stand on!

Yeah, he's only got one leg to stand on.

This is how this film's going on too long!

If he's ever trying to make a point, you just kick the peg leg away and he falls over.

It's supposed to be the best film ever, mate.

I don't think so.

I want to cut out the middle bit.

Why?

I don't know.

I haven't got a leg to stand on.

Kick the leg.

So listen, how did you get on with your song wars this week?

Well, I did it.

I mean, the thing about song wars is that it's just, it's not so much the actual man hours that go into the song, it's the psychological pressure.

The psychological pain, yeah.

Yeah, it squats on your psyche the whole week.

When did you complete yours?

Last night at midnight.

Really?

Yeah.

If you're a new listener to the show, we make these Song Wars songs during the week.

We decide on the theme, well, in last week's show, so we've had exactly a week.

And you know, we've both got jobs.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is just a hobby, really.

We've both got jobs.

One of us has even got a family.

Yeah.

So it's very hard to get the songwriting in.

Yeah.

But we managed it, right?

How about you?

Well, I finished mine at about nine last night, ten last night.

Confident?

I said, I basically decreed that I would watch Crank 2.

Oh, right.

I will watch Crank 2!

But no, I'm not confident at all.

You know.

No.

Not just saying that.

I'm not just saying it.

I think, put it this way, if my song didn't exist within the context of Song Wars, there's no way

it would ever its existence would be justified at all right do you know what i mean there's no reason it would exist do you think it's actually negatively occupying space possibly yes do you think actually existence is utterly utterly offensive yeah and wasteful yeah it's a waste of my time it's a waste of time on the program it's thematically a waste i think it's destructive towards the subjects that are mentioned in it how could we get rid of it

like you'd have to you'd have to get rid of first of all you had your own collider I don't know you'd have to do some kind of antimatter thing to get rid of first of all you get rid of all the files you have to have some kind of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind style mind wipe to get rid of the any tune that might be in there and then something would go wrong and I'd be trapped in the song or something yeah

Anyway, you can find out whether that level of alarm is justified after 10 o'clock when we unveil our song war songs about baths.

But right now, here's some real music.

This is LaRue with her crazy hair and a track called I'm Not Your Toy.

Yeah!

That's LaRue with... Sand of the 80s.

I'm not your toy.

Do you think if that was released in the 80s it would chart?

Do you think if that was released in... like when were Yazoo number one with only you?

Was that 82 or something?

81, 82, yeah.

Do you think if LaRue was up against Yazoo LaRue she would win it?

That's a very, very good question.

Or do you think she would be, you know, completely overwhelmed by the purity and, you know, genuine novelty of 80s, uh, plink plonk music?

uh certainly it's quite it's a more complicated yes or no complex yes or no answer me yes yes she would what what yes or no it wasn't really a yes or no question i don't know

You're feeling very weak, poor on that.

I've got a cold run out of medicated tissues.

Count Buckley's is under the weather.

I just got like a small pack of medicated tissues.

You know what, Count Buckley's?

I should have got a big one.

You do a brilliant cold and flu advert.

Yeah.

In your cape, like Count Dracula, but your Count Buckley's.

Right.

And you've got a cold.

Uh-huh.

And I keep sneezing on my victims.

Yes, exactly.

And they're going, oh, that's disgusting.

I'm going to drink out of it.

Excuse me.

And people love vampires in cold and flu adverts.

And then you take the remedy and it's fine.

And then you suck a lady's blood out of her neck.

You know, I just thought of a revolting spin on it.

You could have a vampire that sucks snot out of people's noses.

You know, like you have to do for babies, right?

Thanks for revolting.

Well, hang on a second.

Well, you've discussed this before.

You don't have to suck.

What do you do then?

How do you get snot out of a baby's nose if that's what you do?

What, you put your mouth over it?

In the olden days you would just put your mouth over it.

You've done it.

Now they've got tubes.

There's tubes kind of like bongs.

I don't know if you've ever come across a bong.

It's easy.

Do you not know how to do that?

You just blow up the bottom.

The baby's bottom and it fires out.

Don't do that.

Listen, there might be some really thick parents listening and they try it.

Come on, there aren't any thick parents in Britain.

No, that's true, especially not listening to this show.

But no, you don't obviously blow up the baby's bottom, but you do have to suck out the snot somehow sometimes.

But you can get special tubes, medicated tubes, that kind of convey the snot to a centrist.

But you can say otherwise that would explain your illnesses.

Yeah, a non-stop diet of baby snot.

That's a charming thought, isn't it?

But I was thinking, like, we got into this because the vampire could maybe do something similar.

Yes.

That's a good idea.

We'll jot that down on the ideas list.

It is a very good idea, isn't it?

Pop it in the idea bank.

What now?

Is it boggins?

Oh, boggins, the Adam and Jo dogs are bounding into the studio.

Full of vim and vigour.

Here, boggins.

Oh, Boggins.

It's all right if I lick your face.

I don't understand what Boggins is saying because he's a dog.

He's, of course, he makes, he says, I don't know why I've gone Australian, but he says things that sound a little bit like human speech, but you really can't understand it.

He's gonna say something again.

Sausage.

I bought some sausages.

I don't know what he's saying.

I've eaten a rat.

He's lost it.

I found a bird.

Say something that sounds like words, Boggins.

I ate a bird and then I rolled in poo.

I'm sweet.

No, nothing.

So, Boggins is a little bit stinky.

I ate a bird.

Can I lick your face?

I wonder if that's mud.

Pat me, I love you.

I'm going to bite your legs.

A shame you can't talk, otherwise you could tell us whether it was mud.

Is that mud, Boggins?

Part mud, part poo.

Just sniff a bit of it.

Oh, dear.

It's been on there for a while.

Can I lick your face and legs?

I'm gonna bite your hand.

Ow!

Ah, so it's just playful, being playful, just playing.

All right, come on, Boggins, out.

Okay.

Out, Boggins.

Have you got a... Get out!

Ow, Boggins!

Have you got a briefer sprout?

Is that alright?

Do you mind that?

Do you like that?

Go on.

As the Kings with Victoria, this is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Count Buckhilly's listeners has quite a bad cold today.

How are you feeling?

I feel okay, like I'm over the worst.

I'm over the aches and pains, right?

But now I'm just in the snotty phase.

Snotty phase?

Snotty phase and coughing as well.

Someone's gone out for some special tissues.

Yeah, because I only got him a small pack of medicated tissues.

I want a big pack!

Listen, I was in HMV this week.

The popular High Street music store, other High Street music stores are available.

But not for long.

And they just... What do you think it's going to close?

It's all going to close, isn't it?

It's all going to close.

Well, in an attempt to keep it open, they had shipped in hundreds of new Beatles box sets.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, they came in during the week.

And what they tend to do on Oxford Street in HMV is they pile them up just inside the doors.

So you get this sort of weird cluster.

I think I might have walked past the morning they were released.

And you get a weird kind of cluster of hardcore Beatles fans, older gentlemen, all gathering around the Beatles box set, sort of picking them up, touching them, turning them around, examining them, deciding whether they can afford them.

Exactly.

Similar thing happened when they bought out the massive Neil Young box.

Yes.

Well, lots of Neil Young people came out of the woodwork and they were sniffing around.

Sure they were.

A lot of people just lived inside them for a while.

But the Beatles have basically seized the Zeitgeist last week, didn't they?

BBC put lots of Beatles programmes out and they tried to get us all to pay attention to the release of their box set.

And I was watching one of the shopping channels, they were selling them on the shopping channels as well.

And there was a woman really going hell for leather about how

Essential these purchases.

Well, you know, yeah, cuz what is it the first time they've been digitally remastered or something?

It can't be the first time.

What is it?

What's new about them?

I think so.

Apparently it's the first time that they have Gone back and cleaned up the masters right got rid of all You know a few little glitches here and there and they've basically done a whole new pristine digital reprogram programming job on them

Well, she spends about 20 minutes convincing me that I need to buy the remastered Beatles box seat.

And then she does a switcheroo, the camera pans to the right, and she's got specially new released mono versions of all the albums as well, and she's going now.

If you've already got them digitally remastered, you will be amazed by the quality, but of course it's not how they were originally intended to be heard.

These are the original mono recordings exactly as Lennon and McCartney intended you to hear them.

So she does another 20 minutes about having to have the mono ones.

Also it's not how they intended you to hear them, it's just... That's what she said.

Right.

It's just how they happened to come out with the technology that was available at the time.

I'm confused.

I'm not going to buy either, but I don't know which one to buy.

I don't know if I would be... I don't really care about buying the new remastered ones, I must say, because I've got them.

And then I've read lots of articles about, oh, the base range is much more impressive now.

And they fixed the dropout on, she said, she said in the, you know, two minutes 58 or whatever it was.

I don't think that's true.

That would be a lot of Beatles fans going, there's no dropout at 2 minutes 58, and she said, she said.

But you know that kind of thing.

I'm not fussed.

I got used to the versions that came out when they came out originally and the ones I bought on CD the first time around when they were available.

It's confusing, isn't it?

Because if it was a film, you kind of want the sound to be remastered, but you don't really want the picture to be messed with.

Did you ever have a... You want it as clear as possible, but you don't want it retouched.

No.

Or added to or anything, do you?

Yeah, but the movies are way ahead of the record business in that respect.

I mean, directors have been messing with their work for years.

They led the way.

They really did.

And you think it's only just beginning with the music industry.

Well, if you imagine the level of fiddling that, say, Steven Spielberg did with E.T., if you applied that to an album like High Door Fiddling...

You know what I mean?

Like, if someone like Bowie went back and started doing that level of fiddling on any one of his classic 70s albums, tweaking lyrics, adding a little solo here, that would be outrageous.

Has anyone ever done that?

No, because it would be pointless.

I think we should do it for Song Wars.

You reckon?

Yeah, I think we should remaster some tracks.

Isn't that a good idea for Song Wars?

Yeah, I guess.

We could take the original and add to it.

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

All right, let's do that next.

OK.

But we're going to... OK.

We're going to unveil what we did do for this week's song wars in about 10 minutes or so here on BBC Six Music.

But before that, here's Empire of the Sun, mate.

Oh, great, mate.

You know what?

I love this one.

Because he just gets on a grove, right?

Absolutely.

He gets on a grove and he just serves the grove.

I love surfing.

I love surfing, don't you?

This is called Walking on a Dream, and that's what it's about.

It's about what happens when you walk on a dream, mate.

So you're having a dream, right?

Terribly fragile.

And you have the dream, and you're asleep.

You're having a dream.

You can't have a waking dream.

There has to be when you're asleep.

And then you start walking on it.

And it's nice.

It feels nice, because it's a nice, soft dream.

But then what if it's a night?

Oh, mate.

And you fall through the dream.

What a nightmare.

Your foot gets stuck in the dream and you can't carry on walking.

You trip over on the dream.

You hurt your elbow on maybe the corner of the dream.

I'd have to sue the dream.

Exactly.

Have you been injured in a dream?

Have you tripped or fallen in a dream while you were walking?

Contact who?

Who do I contact?

You contact the people that have done that song Empire of the Sun Contact Empire of the Sun They're dream lawyers Are they?

Yes, they tell me mate Yes, they deal with all the litigation No it's not a joke I'm trying to mess with my mind I'm not trying to mess with your mind mate It's not a joke

I don't understand.

It was about walking on dreams.

Will you listen to me?

I'm trying to explain.

It's about they deal with dreams.

Walking on them, they deal with dream litigation and they dream construction.

You know, they've got to be properly built otherwise you can't walk on it.

I'm exhausted now.

You've exhausted me, mate.

Get your surfboard and go do a bit of surfing.

I will.

Because you are really wound up.

I'm totally racked up now.

You ratcheted me right up in there.

Go and surf, mate.

I am gonna go and surf.

It's the only thing that'll cure it.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna, um... That was obviously a cue for you to say.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna launch Texanation.

Yeah, but I'm not the one who made up the subject, so I can't.

I didn't make it.

Come on, let's just do the jingle.

Text text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Yes, listeners, it's text the nation time here on the Adam and Jo radio show on BBC6 Music.

This is the part of the show where we give you a theme, a talk topic.

Yeah.

Yeah, a chat point.

And you contribute your opinions and reactions via our text number, which is 64046.

Correct.

Yeah, or you could email us if you're listening to this show during the week as well Then you have to email us you can't text us and the email is Adam and Joe dot six music at BBC dot co dot UK now we're gonna keep the Explanation or the setup for text donation this week very brief right?

This is gonna be the briefest of all the setups names for body parts

Right?

Like it.

Pet names for body parts.

What do you mean you might give them a name like a person?

Like Alfred?

Or John Thomas?

Maybe you might.

Yeah, I mean the obvious place to start is in the groinal zone, right?

And that's by no means where we should remain.

I would like to make it perfectly clear.

In fact, we would like you, if you can, to tell us about the other names for the other body parts that you have.

Don't just stay in the... Underwear area.

In the Congo there.

underwear yeah because that's no good but while we are in that area in the congo yeah like in isn't it shaped that way the congo i don't know i don't know what i'm talking about um so like for example um with children especially you know when you're a little chap your mum refers to your little chap um gives it a special name right

Mm-hmm.

Why are you looking white?

I was trying to think.

What was your one?

I don't know.

I'm trying to think.

Well, my mum is from Chile, right?

So she used a Spanish word, birulo.

Right.

What does that mean?

Well, the actual literal translation happens to be knob.

But it's like, you know, for a button or a dial.

Yeah, that kind of thing.

But she applied it across the language barrier.

Do a button or a knob.

Yeah, in a sort of endearing way.

A dial.

And I think that was the only one that... Extraordinary inhalation of breath.

Having a breakdown.

It's because that's all I've got.

That's all there is.

That's all there is for text translation.

Just that one word.

Say it again.

P-I-R-U-L-A.

Hello.

Well, having encouraged people to stay out of the Congo, your one example is very Congo Central.

I know.

I'm hoping that other P-R-O-L-A.

You're hoping that other people will have little pet names, areas of their body.

The Congo area is a place where you need to have non-rude names, so I think that people are more likely to have made up names for, you know, dangerous areas.

I guess I'm thinking Congo because it's sort of dark and jungly, right?

Does anyone like name their hands, or their arms, or their legs, or their neebles?

Well, now you put it like that.

What, neebles?

Neebles!

it's like weebles yeah yeah yeah uh tootsies you're tootsies of course now we're coming with tootsies it's gonna be sony nomination time again soon so

Text in your alternative names for your body parts.

This is good, man.

This is gonna really come around.

We've got our doubts about this, but give it a hand.

Here's how it might work, right?

Just to travel you into the future a little bit.

Dan in Clapham says that he calls his elbow...

El... El... El... Garvey.

Guy Garvey.

That's an example of a good one we might get in.

Yeah.

But you made that one up, obviously.

I haven't had much time to think.

No.

Listeners have got lots of time to think.

Exactly.

So there we go.

Give your ideas to us.

In texts via 64046 or the email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

We're gonna do song wars very soon.

Yeah.

Right?

That's proper content.

This is a feature that we've worked out.

It's all pre-prepared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all gonna be fine.

That's why everything else is so rope, because all the energy's gone into the wars.

Exactly.

Here's Blur.

With girls and boys.

It's time for song wars.

The war of the songs.

I mean, that's like a LaRue song right there.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's too rich, though, for it to be LaRue.

If she was doing her harmonies on there, that could be her next single.

That's true.

And it's just the jingle for this segment, which is called Song Wars.

Pretty self-explanatory.

Joe and I have composed songs on a theme.

We've made the songs ourselves, such as they are.

And we're going to flip a coin now to see which one goes first.

But Joe, tell the listeners once again what the theme was this week.

The theme was bath time.

We had a listener suggest it, didn't we?

James, the producer, are you totally on your toes ready with the name of that listener?

No.

We're all a bit sluggish this week.

Sorry about that.

He was name checked last week.

I think it was a gentleman.

Yeah.

But he wanted a song for his bath time periods to make it nice for him to go to the bath.

So, is that what you've done?

Well, I mean, he could listen to this song conceivably that I've done while he's in the bath.

But your song's about bath time.

Yeah, yeah, it is about... Well, my song specifically is about cleaning up a dirty girl.

It is?

Yeah.

That sounds good.

You know?

What's yours about?

Well, mine is a kind of song about David Bowie having a bath.

Is it?

Yeah.

I was thinking about doing that.

Well, not only were you thinking about it, but... I mentioned it on air.

It was suggested, yeah.

So why?

So I think part of my brain thought that that was the task that was stuck in my head.

Oh I see.

Bowie having a bath.

So yeah.

Bowie bath.

Good one.

Well we're gonna flip a coin right now and see who goes first.

It was Rufus Blacklock was the gentleman's name.

Oh yeah.

James he was the guy that came up with this theme.

Thanks a lot Rufus.

It was a good theme I thought.

Yeah good theme.

Yeah.

Well done Rufus.

Well done.

So call it.

What are you?

I'll go for heads if it's heads I'll play mine first.

Heads to go first.

I kind of want to go first just to get it over with.

It is... Tails.

Tails.

Not looking good for the cornballs.

So cornballs go second.

Yeah, you go first.

Here is my song.

I won't introduce it any more than to say it's called Special Bath.

You're so dirty, I love your mucky mind But your body's all so filthy Which I weren't so pleased to find yourself fit But what's up with your personal hygiene?

That's why you haven't had a boyfriend since you were 13 You have the matted hair of an Australian backpacker And in your pants last night I found some cheese and a cracker You say you don't like bathing cause you're frightened of the water But it's getting crazy girl, you know I really think

I think you won't come

Better tax our baby, that's my advice It's more convenient, you know I'll take the foreign end Cause I'm your special bar friend

There we are.

You see it's not so bad is it?

It's nice.

There's just a couple of rules you need to know before we go on.

Oh, what happened at the end there?

There's the water coming out of the plug.

That's extraordinary.

I'm very jealous of your vocoder technology there.

It's not vocoder, mate.

What have you got going on there?

It's a pitch, what's it called?

Pitch shift.

Magic tuning.

What is it?

Is that a bit of software?

On GarageBand, you just go into the tuning space and you can shift the...

You can do auto-tune.

But you're auto-tuning separate segments of the same phrase that you've sung.

No, no, no.

You just apply auto-tune to the vocal track.

No.

Simple as that.

Do that.

I mean, that's another one we could do because a lot of R&B has that sound on it now.

Everyone has it.

Kanye did a whole album with that, didn't he?

Yeah, loads of it.

Everyone does that.

So I thought way past it.

Well done.

Thanks very much.

I think that's good.

I think you might have blown mine out of the water.

Bit of two-step.

Production-wise.

You reckon?

Yeah, mine's much more pedestrian.

Uh, we'd better get it out of the way.

This is just a song, uh, this is actually the song that Bowie sings when he's having a bath.

Is it?

Yeah.

I mean, I know that sounds like a lie.

So this is Bowie in the bath.

But it's not.

This is the song he sings when he's having a bath.

What's it called, this song?

It's called Bathtime for Bowie, of course.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, here it is.

Brushed off my feet, tonight I deserve a special treat I know a place I can be alone A private palace of enamel and crown A secret space where depths are spun And man and water livers one Of scented oils and shampoo A place that's just beside the loo Switch, blush, tonight's gonna be Bowie bath night

If you want to take a bath, then please take my advice Be sure you don't drop off to sleep, cause it's so warm and nice Don't sit there staring into space, just fiddling with your winky

Water's getting gradually more stinky Splish splosh I'm polishing up my glass spider Splosh splish I'm soaking my serious mood Splosh splish It's time to get out of the bathtub

There we go, that's Song Wars for this week.

Listeners, what's your one called?

A special bath.

It's special bath versus bath time for Bowie.

And you email your vote, I think.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

It's only email votes, isn't it now, James?

So if you're listening via Listen Again or the podcast, you can vote as well and we'll announce the winner.

on next week's show.

He said a bad word.

He dead said a bad word.

And he didn't do a radio version of it.

I think they should, you know.

I think, like, in Crete.

To say a nicer one.

Yeah, in Crete, they substitute the F-bomb for, what is it that he says?

You're so very special.

Instead of saying the F-word.

You think they should put a non...

I think it's just politeness to do so.

You can't just leave it blank, you know?

I mean, that's just ridiculous.

People might imagine a worse word if you leave it blank.

Exactly.

What's worse than the F-bomb?

I'll tell you during the next record.

We were just speculating as well about the fact that if you go on our blog, you will see an amazing compilation that someone has done of all the moments where we talk about Bowie, because we are relatively Bowie-obsessed, I suppose.

Although I suppose we you know like we're not we're not like the maddest Bowie fans in the world.

We're not mental right we just really like him and the thing is that we would genuinely love to meet the guy and we've gone on about it on this show for sort of comedic

gone back through the archives and taken all the bits of us ranting nonsense about Bowie and put them together into one kind of YouTube thing and James has put that on our blog which is at bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Joe and it's completely insane and he'd be insane to come anywhere near us.

If he heard it I mean he would he would immediately apply for a restraining order.

Not to say that the work that the person has done who's put it together isn't very good.

No, it's a fantastic editing job.

But yes, I mean, if I was Bowie, I would just, I would think, well, there you go.

I have to deal with a lot of these kinds of people, but I'm not going to go on their radio program.

There's no way I'm going on their program.

There's no way I'm going on that.

Listen to the way they talk about me.

It's absolutely disrespectful.

They think I'm a joke.

It's totally disrespectful.

I've made some of the most influential music of the last two hundred years.

And these two buffoons are talking about me as if I'm some kind of size show freak.

These two biffins.

These two absolute biffins.

They're a couple of biffins.

The tall biffen.

He's done a song about me in the pub that's absolutely ludicrous.

It's absolutely ludicrous.

I don't call my parts my serious moon.

If we carry on like this there's no way he's ever ever going to come anywhere.

We were thinking that he might chat to us off there because you'd know we'd have to be normal.

I don't think he even would do that.

He would move into the corner of the room.

How about this?

Because it's obviously stupid for him to have any sort of live engagement with us on air because we can't be trusted.

I mean, I don't trust us, so he shouldn't.

So what about an email questionnaire?

Yes, yes.

Written a question.

At a safe distance.

What if we write a series of questions that the listeners could help us formulate them?

Yeah.

Say five questions, five key Bowie questions.

Always.

This is okay.

It's at a safe distance.

I don't mind taking part in this.

And we could just have an epistolary relationship.

Yeah, that would do.

That would work.

Yeah, it is.

Epistolic.

Listen, folks, you're listening to Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 10.30 and it's time for the...

That's Prince the Purple Ponce with the ballad of Dorothy Parker.

That's from the Sign of the Times album.

That was a free play for you listeners, which I chose because it's kind of bath related, isn't it?

I mean, took another bubble bath with my pants on, all the fat and stuff.

I mean, it's a strange song.

I don't know what he's going on there.

It's a very elaborate seduction technique, isn't it?

I don't know.

I'd have to have listened to the lyrics properly.

Yeah, it's a wonderful song, though.

Hope you enjoyed it.

And we will probably be playing our song wars songs once again towards the end of the show.

In about an hour's time.

In about an hour.

So if you missed them, you'll get another chance to hear them then.

But right now, we're in the midst of textination.

Maybe the best textination we've ever done.

So let's have to jingle.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

So Adam, remind us of the subject for Text the Nation this week.

Well, Joe, it's very simple.

We're just talking about pet names that you have for various body parts.

You used your voiceover voice for the beginning of that sentence.

And it really did make a little bit of my brain sort of think that you knew what you were talking about.

You lifted it a little bit.

You had authority.

I saw Arthur Smith last night doing Gig.

Oh, at least I was listening to him over the Tanoi.

He was on after me.

I did a gig in Greenwich.

And one of the things he was saying was he's fed up when morning DJs sound all perky.

And he said, you know, I'd like to hear a DJ that sounds the way you really feel in the morning.

Like, oh, God, it's so early.

I'm so depressed.

So, you know, but you don't want that, do you?

You want people to g you up.

Well, if you want that, you listen to Vanessa Feltz or John Gawne to one of those furious

early morning, anti-DJs, Feltz isn't furious, but you know one of the ones that gets you wound up about spurious things they've read in the paper that are probably inaccurate in the first place.

But it's, you know, part of a DJ's job is to lift the mood a little bit, I think, don't you think?

Well, you did it very well.

Yeah.

So, Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about fun names that you give your body parts.

Nicknames for, you know, not just your Winkle Zones, there's a nickname right there, but other parts of your body as well.

Give us your ideas, you can text them or email them to us right now.

Adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk is the email, or the text is 64046.

Joe, you've got a few suggestions from our listeners that have come in there, haven't you?

Eat them.

Here's one from Alex in London, and this hasn't been officially given to me, I just happen to have spotted this on the text readout board.

And you know, I'm going in with a slightly edgy one just to get this out of the way.

Alex says, my genital, singular, has come to be known as the sadness.

I tried to name my testicles Michael and Bubbles but it hasn't caught on.

Can you help?

Mickey Bubbles.

Well hopefully Alex we will be able to help because we're going to be offering a lot of suggestions for alternative names for body parts.

Here's one from an anonymous texter who says my boyfriend calls my boobs open inverted commas the guys.

Mmm.

The right one is Guy 1 and the left is Guy 2.

Not Guy Ritchie.

No.

That's very bald and basic, isn't it?

You have Guy Garvey and Guy Ritchie.

Both those suggestions are better, but it's just the guys.

The guys.

That's a nice name for them.

Do you think?

Yeah, what about do you use any pet names?

I think it lacks imagination.

I'm not saying necessarily for your partner, but just maybe your mother.

No, I don't know.

For my mother's what?

Oppressed.

I'm sorry.

Alright.

Dirty pillows.

Let's move on.

What about that?

Have you ever heard them referred to as dirty pillows?

Yeah, that's in a film, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Is it evil in war or something?

It's some kind of kid that's been brought up in a repressed atmosphere.

And, oh yeah, I'm sure it's from something and she doesn't want anyone to touch her in those places.

Get off my dirty pillows!

If you know where that reference originally came from.

I've got it in my... Maybe it's witness.

No, it's not witness.

DURTIPELUS!

No!

Mr. Anderson, you're touching my dirty pillows!

My dirty pillows!

Here's one from PJ in Liverpool.

I call...

I call my mum's left ankle George and her right ankle Mildred.

I just don't believe that.

No.

Why would you?

Because in what situation would you be referring to it?

Charlotte, you pick these out, right?

I'm looking at Charlotte now.

All right, here's the next one.

This is from Lucy in Stoke Newington.

Good morning, Adam and Jo.

My boyfriend calls his bits

His Vera and Duckworths.

Hee hee.

Vera Duckworths.

He's not one.

Big Jim at work in Wymondham.

Wyndham.

No, it's not spelt like that.

Yeah, but sometimes things are spelt in a different way to the pronunciation.

Look at that.

It's the fourth one down.

Wymondham.

Yeah, Wyndham.

That's in Norfolk.

That's very near.

Yeah, that's near to where I live.

In Weymundam.

He says, a few mates and myself, this is good, all have double chins, but we all refer to them as giblet chins.

Ah, yes.

Not sure why, but we do.

Yeah, well, in Allie McBeal, they referred to that bit under the jaw as the wattle, didn't they?

The wattle.

That might be the actual name.

Yeah.

Has it got something to do with what a turkey has?

Yes, exactly.

So when you grow up and your skin starts sagging all over the shop, that's the other thing, is once you pass 40 and your body starts betraying you.

Your body starts betraying you.

Come on, your body's absolutely betraying you as well, isn't it?

Maybe.

Well, everyone's body betrays them a little bit.

And once you're past 40, the chances that you're going to get betrayed go up considerably.

And the wattle is one of the first things you get, isn't it?

The skin starts sagging around there.

That's if it hasn't, you know, George Lucas, he's the king of the wattle, right?

Yes, he's got a hell of a wattle.

I mean, he's got all kinds of, he keeps snacks and stuff tucked away in that wattle.

Wyman-dom.

You can't believe that something is spelled so differently.

Why would you spell it like that?

Have you ever seen, like, you know, the Chumleys and the Fanshaws?

Didn't you?

Do you remember that dance company?

The Cholmondelys and the Featherstone Hoffs?

That's different.

It's like when someone's called Owen.

Yeah.

And then their name is spelled in some amazingly elaborate Welsh manner.

Iogin or something.

Yeah, like Iogin, what was he called on the inspector?

Kweig.

Kweig, yeah.

Iogin Kweig.

You're absolutely bowled over by that, aren't you?

You can't believe... Wymandom.

Wymandom.

I've got to go there and talk to them about it.

After the show.

There's another place near Wymandom that's spelt Kostessi and it's pronounced Kossi.

So you can really get a lot of egg on your face with that one.

Let me tell you.

Joe, this is a great explanation and we're going to come back to it later on in the programme.

So just hold your horses there and we're going to play some more great music for the listeners right now on 6 Music.

Here's Bat for Lashes with Sleep Alone.

Lovely Natasha Khan, back for lashes with Sleep Alone here on BBC's 6 Music.

This is Adam and Jo.

How are you doing, listeners?

Lovely to have you along this Saturday afternoon.

How are you doing, Jo?

I'm alright.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, good.

I've got a bit of a cold.

Sorry about that, listeners.

I was thinking the other day that you and I, Adam and me went to school together.

And we used to have Saturday morning school.

That's true.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, sure.

So one way or another, you and I have seen each other on Saturday mornings.

A lot.

More than most friends, you reckon?

I mean, what has it been now?

25 years?

Something like that.

27 even.

A long time.

Yeah, we met when we were 12.

Every Saturday morning.

28 years, mate.

That's got to be some kind of scientific sort of anomaly, hasn't it?

Yes, I mean, I've probably spent more Saturdays, way more Saturdays with you than with my wife or anyone else in my life.

Psychologists must be able to do something with that, mustn't they?

Like, I'm thinking we could profit from this somehow.

How on earth could you profit from that?

I don't know, I don't know.

Somehow, we've got to be able to make money out of it somehow.

Get some kind of radio show.

We could, couldn't we?

Yeah, we could get paid.

Is that what you're thinking?

Could we?

No one ever would.

Here's a free play.

This is Griffiths Jones, the popular BBC presenter, and this song is called Lonesome Words.

Is he the guy that used to be in Super Furry Animals?

Yeah.

Is Mel Smith also in Super Furry Animals?

Yes.

That's the Matals with Monkey Man.

Is that just the Matals on their own without the Toots?

Toots was in there as well, wasn't he?

There's Toots in there, that was Toots.

And the Matals then with Monkey Man.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Maybe Toots wasn't involved.

Oh no!

In which case the Matals will be absolutely furious.

Why is everyone always going on about Toots?

You know we did stuff without Toots sometimes!

When we play Toots and the Matals it usually says Toots and the Matals and that just said the Matals.

So let's go with that.

The castle wouldn't get something like that wrong, would it?

I don't think so.

Listen, a moment ago we were talking about Dirty Pillows and we were wondering what film that came from and millions of people texted in saying it's of course from Carrie.

Is it?

Hyperlory's character says it to Sissy Spacek, the mum to the daughter.

She says, where is it?

Somebody's quoted it.

I can see your dirty pillows, says Carrie's mum.

They're called breaths, mama.

That's right.

Says Carrie.

But am I right in thinking that it's a literary reference, though?

Did someone else use the phrase, dirty pillows, before that in a book?

Or was that coined for Carrie?

I think it's Chaucerian.

Was it?

Sounds like the word of Chaucerian.

Your dirty pillows.

Now, Joe, did you see on Channel 4 this week, on Thursday, Alone in the Wild?

No, but I saw the trailers and it looked like it was going to be very heavy.

It was a remarkable documentary.

Ed Wardle is the name of the guy.

I don't know who he is, right?

Have you ever heard of Ed Wardle?

No.

He's a Scottish man and he looks a little bit like Fran Healy from Travis, like a slightly more roughy-toughty version of Fran from Travis.

And he was dropped into the unforgiving Yukon wilderness with just basic provisions and cameras to film himself as he attempted to survive completely alone in the wild.

It's a series, right?

And I would guess that this guy is a experienced documentary maker himself because it's very well shot.

Like he's doing it all himself.

He's all on his own.

I really like that as a format for Doc.

So he's totally on his own but he's got some really creative camera angles and he does a lot of things where he straps the camera to holes or himself or whatever so it looks a bit like Scorsese in the bar in Mean Streets every now and again you know and so it looks really nice and I have a few anxieties sometimes about

how long it took to construct some of the shots, you know what I mean?

Like he does a lot of, there's one bit where he dives into the water off a rock and you see it from several different angles.

Like first of all, you see him on the rock talking into the camera, holding the camera, saying, yeah, I've always wanted to do this.

I'm just about to dive into the water off this rock.

It's amazing.

Oh, it's going to be so wonderful.

And then you see a wide shot from somewhere else of him diving in.

So you think, right.

So he's gone all the way round.

the lake.

He's gone all the way around the lake.

He would have had to set up that shot, walk all the way back, dive in, come out, walk all the way back round.

Did he dive in and swim across and put the camera there?

Right, maybe.

In which case that wouldn't be his first dive.

But I always feel as if I'm being slightly lied to.

I mean, I know that's just the language of documentary.

I'm not supposed to think about it, but I want to see him like he's got to do a shot.

I want to see the shot of him walking over to the camera and repositioning it, you know, and saying, I've just got to reposition the camera now for the shot of me diving into the lake, which I've always wanted to do.

You know, surely it's full it must be full of my I mean that could drive you mad, isn't it full of moments like that?

Yeah I mean it would be impractical it would get in the way of your enjoyment of the narrative maybe but the thing that really stuck out is the And I don't want to sound cynical about it, but the slight pointlessness of the whole thing

Like it is interesting, it is certainly interesting seeing this guy out in the wilderness and stuff, but you always have to come back, or rather he feels he always has to come back to why he's actually doing it.

And in those situations, there's really not very much of a reason.

Well, just to see if he can survive there for a while.

Right.

Without being killed by bears.

Right.

Or breaking his ankle.

Right.

You know?

How far away is he from civilization?

He's quite a long way, but he's got a little orange GPS message sending thing, which he has to press every 24 hours.

To say that he's alive.

To say that he's okay.

And has he got a destination?

Is he going somewhere, or is he just settling in the same place?

I don't think so.

Here's the blurb that comes with the opening episode.

Ed is flown into the Canadian wilderness.

As the plane disappears, he's instantly overwhelmed by the realization that he's completely alone.

He finds it hard to make decisions, but manages to set up camp.

He's frightened and nervous of every sound and movement around him.

As the day goes by, it dawns on Ed that the escapist's dream is a lot harder than he ever imagined.

This is exactly what happens when my girlfriend goes away.

Yeah, it's like a description of me home alone.

So by day four, how are you doing?

I'm nearly dead.

Well, he's in trouble.

By day four, he's only been out there four days camping, right?

And he's had no bear contact at this point, although he's frightened.

Fair enough.

But by day four, he's already falling apart.

He sees a plane flying overhead at one stage, right?

And he gets his... Oh, look!

There's a plane flying overhead!

And then he starts crying.

Does he?

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm crying.

It's just so shocking to see that plane going over it.

It didn't even stop or try and look or anything like that.

He's totally falling apart on day four.

He sounds like a bit of a wuss.

He's a tiny bit of a nance.

Maybe that's more dramatic, isn't it?

A bit of a dress.

Better than pudding.

For instance, hard man Jeff Capes at the wilderness.

But they should have called it dress in the wild then.

Hey, but listen, this is only part one of several, right?

And I read a trail for next week that says he nearly dies.

Well, the other thing is that he's... Apparently he genuinely did nearly die.

Really?

Right, so that makes it better, doesn't it?

That takes it more fun.

Well, at one point he justifies the whole exercise thus.

This is doing something extraordinary.

I'm going to learn a whole load.

There may be a life-changing experience in this, and that'll be good.

I want to film my life with extraordinary things, extraordinary adventures, extraordinary learning situations.

I want to do extraordinary things all the time, and I think that if I do them, then my life will be exciting and vital and worth living.

Is it too late, and is he too far away to find him and punch him?

But that's his whole justification.

He just wants to do, and he must be about early 40s, I would say, and all he wants to do is just extraordinary things.

Do you know what he'll discover?

What?

He'll discover that it's actually nice at home.

That's the thing, isn't it?

That's always what everyone learns.

Also, you'll get used to it, and after a while he'll think, like, I want to go to the extraordinary toilet in, like, an extraordinarily comfortable lav, and things like that.

He might want to catch up on telly.

It was enjoyable though, I'll certainly be tuning in next week Thursday's 9pm Channel 4 Alone in the Wild.

This is Camera Obscura right now with Let's Get Out of This Country.

Joe of TV's Adam and Joe show has which surname?

Stick out there Joe, they'll remember your name one of these days.

Cornish.

That was the mighty Coldplay with Strawberry Swing.

No idea what that was about.

Were you listening to the lyrics?

No, I wasn't listening to it at all, to be honest.

I was preparing some text-to-nation entries.

It sounded nice, though, but I wasn't really concentrating on thematically what he was banging on about Strawberry Swing.

They've gone all township as well.

Did we talk about this last week?

Oh, yes.

The very best was the township record, wasn't it, featuring the guy from Vampire Weekend.

Right, but was that Coldplay?

No, no, no, that was the very best.

So this is another band jumping on the whole Graceland by Paul Simon bandwagon.

I guess so.

That was Eno they're working with there, though.

Really?

Yeah.

That's Eno jumping on another band.

He was one of the first people to do all that mixing up power.

He manufactures the bandwagon.

Cross-pollination.

Yeah, he's the bandwagon man.

He does the wheels and stuff.

He does wonky wheels.

Do you think he invented South African music?

Do you think he went on holiday there?

Like very, very... Pretty sure he was very young.

He invented South Africa.

Did he?

He found it and he set it up.

Just opposed a couple of words.

Yeah, he got some cards out there and started reading them out to the locals and that was how South Africa was born.

He's not responsible for the bad parts.

Of course not.

The apartheid and stuff like that.

That's when Eno was off the job.

Text the nation time now.

Sorry, do you have something else?

No.

Let's have the jingle.

Text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

So Text the Nation, this week, listeners, is all about alternative names for parts of your body's pet names.

Cankles.

Have you heard the phrase cankles?

Yes, I have.

That's a lady thing.

Is that in Sex and the City or something like that?

What is it when your ankles get all rough and nasty?

No, it's when your... No, Charlotte knows.

It's when there's no difference between your calves and your ankles.

They kind of merge into one.

Ah, cankles.

You get cankles.

Wow.

It does sound like what you said earlier, doesn't it?

Like rough skin deposits.

Here's one that's coming from Robin in Brighton.

My breastfeeding children call my wife's left breast the Big Milk and the other one that one.

They were very particular about which one was required.

Wow.

I've never heard of that before.

Like special loyalty to a left or right breast.

I don't want that one.

Not that one.

Give me the big milk.

The big milk.

It's like some tawdry Channel 4 early morning program.

That's right.

Here's one from Dave.

Dave says, Adam and Jo, I call my girlfriend's nipples, the pointer sisters, for obvious reasons, as they stick out like a couple of chapel hat pegs.

Chapel hat pegs.

I don't know, that's what he said.

A couple chapel hat pegs.

And that's on a warm day.

What?

What's a chapel hat peg?

That's what he's written, I'm just reading out.

Oh, it's a hat peg in a chapel.

Right, right, right.

But why a chapel?

On a cold day she could take someone's eye out.

Have they got particularly big pegs in chapels?

Chapel hat peg.

Yeah, it's very descriptive.

Well done, Dave.

Thank you.

Here's one from Mark in Birmingham.

My seven-year-old son James calls his nipples, armpits and testicles his underpips.

Underpips all of them is underpips.

Whoa That's um, that's not very specific that you've got to narrow it down useful Is it if he hurts one of those and just refers to it as the underpips?

Yeah first aid people are gonna be very confused

my underbibs.

Yeah, that's a good one.

It'll be good for later in life as well Woo-woo, that's what the Americans call them sometimes, isn't it?

My wife's joined up toes are called the Webster's The Webster's says Nick from Bristol

Lee in Essex says, I used to call my man parts a dingle.

This was in my mind the official name for it so imagine my amazement one day when my gran took me to Bournemouth and there was a department stall called Dingle's.

I still remember my amazement and bewilderment.

Wow, imagine the selection.

imagine the selection that they would have there well dongle is the other word that I always get confused about like when someone started referring to the little bit of stuff that you plug into a computer as a dongle I was like you what oh yeah you just need you need a dongle for this I was like

A dongle?

What are you talking about?

David Armstrong in West Sussex says I call my buttocks my bum-go drums.

Bum-go drums, because my mother used to play them like bongos when I was a small child.

Ah, that's a fun game.

Really?

Yes, playing the buttocks of a small child, have you not done that?

Not when your mother's in the Thompson twins.

It's got to be your own child, that's the thing.

And she pulls you on stage.

Like, Alanna... 10 times a week.

Alanna Curry was her name.

Yeah.

What are you talking about Anana Curry for?

Because she takes the child on stage and plays his buttocks as bongos.

I'm going to play the bongo drums now.

Don't worry listeners and audience members.

This is my own child.

You have to do it with your own child.

You really switched around there for a moment.

You didn't know what I was talking about.

And then immediately I was trying to get into the scene.

When we were children, says... Can you not sigh like that before you... Why?

Does it sound like I'm bored with what I'm about to read?

Well, it sounds like you're... No, I'm not bored at all.

I'm excited.

It sounded like Onwe.

I'm gearing myself up.

I was just trying to figure out how to say this person's name.

Alice, in Ireland, says, When we were children, my mother taught us to call our girl paraphernalia our Tutti Frutti.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw Tutti Frutti flavored sweets in our local shop.

Let's leave it there.

She probably never got into those sweets, even though they are absolutely delicious.

Here's a free choice for you now, listeners.

This is from Neil Young's album On the Beach and it's called Walk On.

Ruined the end of that song.

Wasn't me.

That was Lloyd Cole with Rattlesnakes.

Correct.

That was Lloyd Cole.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Now they've more or less finished London.

Have they?

They've been working on it for a while.

Yeah, it's nearly finished.

It's going to be finished by the end of the month.

So in October, you'll be pleased to find the streets are in good order, no road works whatsoever.

All the cranes gone away?

Yeah.

All the buildings refurbished?

You can drive around wherever you like, no diversions, any of that kind of thing.

Were you aware in South London of a lot of roads being dug up over the summer?

I certainly am.

Yeah, my mummy and daddy's house.

They've got temporary traffic lights outside their front door.

Yeah.

And there's no parking because they're digging it all up.

Parking nightmare.

It's called chaos.

Absolute parking chaos.

And things were pretty bad there already as far as parking.

Don't get me started.

Don't even get me started.

The number of confrontations I flipping had with warden's around that neck of the woods.

But I was curious about what, I mean, they're installing new water mains is the main thing, right?

Flash warden.

I've just thought of a new character, Flash warden.

Flash warden.

Warden's alive.

Yeah, he's an adventurous traffic warden from space.

But he would be the hero, though.

I don't want to heroic traffic.

Well, it would challenge your preconceptrons.

I don't want them challenged.

All right.

Well, you don't need to watch.

OK, I'm not watching Flashwood.

Do you think it's for kids or grownups?

Flashwood and idiots.

It's very idiots.

I tell you, you're really jealous of my idea.

It's for the warden community.

That's who it's for.

Is it?

It's an in-house production.

to make them feel better about themselves.

Because morale is so low because they keep having confrontational, enraged customers.

It's a kind of little bit of propaganda to pick their spirits up.

Hey chaps, come on.

Listen, I know it seems tough out there.

It's a thankless job you're doing, but it's an important one.

And here to pick up your spirits is a new episode of Flash Warp.

I'd do the job.

It's a really good idea.

It's a good idea, certainly.

But listen, I was curious about whether they found anything while they were digging up the roads.

Yes.

Like time team style.

Right, right.

Tony Robinson might come running in and tell them they can't fill the hole up because he's found an old spoon, that kind of thing.

I mean, they must have found all manner of treasure.

Sounds like I'm being disdainful towards the school of digging.

What's it called?

Dig school.

that's archaeology archaeology I'm not I think it's brilliant yeah of course it is Indiana Jones man he done it he done it he's wicked if he does it's got to be cool got like a whip and a hat and stuff so what's your problem with like dig school year yeah I was thinking here's a list of things I think they might have found buried beneath the tarmac in London over the summer

You know that this is going to be like a... I can't even imagine.

Go on.

A comedy list.

Say the first one.

A pyramid.

Because I haven't been around for so long.

Say another one.

Ali Sheedy.

Right.

She's, yeah.

Because she hasn't been around for so long.

She doesn't live in London though.

That's far fetched.

She may have slipped down a manhole when she was doing a holiday promotion.

for the last, yeah, for Princess Caribou.

How about this?

Is she in that?

Buried, I don't know, she'd be kicked.

Buried beneath the tarmac in London, that's what they found.

Together with Alice Sheedy and a pyramid.

Common decency.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

Well, that goes without saying.

In your face, Ken Livingston.

What?

Is he still the man?

No.

You want one more?

Yeah.

A Tamagotchi.

Yes, an old trendy thing.

Yeah.

Rejected.

You do one.

It's not so easy, is it?

What are you doing?

That's something else.

No, I can't think of one.

I need time to prepare.

Yeah, you do.

All right, I'm going to do one more and then we're going to go straight into the next man with round of applause, Felix Howard.

All right.

That's weird.

That is a bit weird, isn't it?

Sorry about that.

There you go, that's your round of applause.

That was the next men.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

We are going to be playing our Song Wars bath songs in the next half hour, but right now it's just gone 11.30 and it's time for the news.

Sounding fresh as a daisy, Kate Bush with hounds of love here on BBC Six Music.

This is Adam and Joe and we are going to give you another chance to hear our extraordinary Song Wars bath songs.

But first, the jingle!

It's time for song wars, the war of the songs.

Yes, I'm going to play my song first because we played them in the other order before so we're going to swap them around.

Do you anticipate, and I'm not saying this in any kind of prejudicial way, do you anticipate anyone giving you a hard time about like the flight of the concords doing Bowie's in space and then you doing Bowie's in the bath?

Possibly.

I mean, we've been given a hard time about being similar to Flight of the Conchords before.

Similar but worse, yeah.

Yeah, but I think, I mean, I've done a lot of Bowie-esque 80s songs.

That's what I think might be my downfall.

Right.

I've done a lot of songs using that kind of voice.

It's a fun voice.

It's like that.

It's very satisfying to do.

Well, so have I. I mean, I've done loads of songs like this, you know, because it's a fun, especially when you got a cold.

It's nice to talk.

I mean, that's why I was excited about your vocoder action, because I thought, wow, he's got a new vocal sound at this stage in the game.

That's right.

That's quite an achievement.

Well, you'll hear that soon.

But first, here's Joe's.

This is this is the song that Bowie sings.

David Bowie sings when he's having a bath.

Here it is called Bowie Bathtime.

Brushed off my feet, tonight I deserve a special treat.

I know a place I can be alone, and private pallets of enamel and chrome.

A sacred space where depths are spun, and man and water live as one.

Accented oils and shampoo, a place that's just beside the loo.

Spish, blush, tonight's gonna be Bowie bath night.

Bits and thighs, the scalding heat Nice but cutless, can't be healthy for my nose I pour a little bubble bath, I froth it up and sing and laugh And then the special business starts The scrubbing of the Bowie parts If you want to take a bath then please take my advice Be sure you don't drop off to sleep cause it's so warm and nice Don't sit there staring into space just fiddling with your winky

Get the waters getting gradually more stinky Splish splosh I'm polishing up my glass spider Splosh splish I'm soaking my serious mood Splosh splish It's time to get out of the bathtub

My fingers are starting to prune!

Oh, I'm just eating a banana during that and I just got a rotten bit in it.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

I didn't think bananas could go rotten.

Well, they get brown but that's the nice... I thought they got more delicious.

Yeah, that's the sugary stuff there.

This one's turned.

Has it?

Never really tasted that before.

I'm sorry.

That's horrible.

Do you know Bowie's just had a real spider named after him?

Really?

Yeah.

A genuine spider, a German spider specialist told the Observer newspaper he named a new species after Bowie.

Pete Yeager, who's found 200 new species of arachnids in a decade, says he's named it Heteropoda David Bowie.

That's a bit like the Mercury music prize, isn't it?

That guy just wants to associate himself with David Bowie.

And get a bit of a story going.

A bit of a boost.

It's like the Mercury people just want to associate themselves with the latest rapper.

That's right, isn't it?

We've taught them a lesson, haven't we?

We certainly have.

But listen, that was song number one.

That was called Bowie Bath Time.

That's Joe's song.

You can vote for that.

Adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk is the email.

Or you may prefer to vote for the following song.

This is Special Bath.

I love your mucky mind But your body's all so filthy Which I weren't so pleased to find yourself fit But what's up with your personal hygiene?

That's why you haven't had a boyfriend since you were 13 You have the matted hair of an Australian backpacker And in your pants last night I passed up Cheers and a cracker You say you don't like bathing cause you're frightened of the water But it's getting crazier, you know I really think

Thank you.

It's more convenient, you know, I'll take the boring and cross on your special bar friend

There we are.

You see, it's not so bad, is it?

It's nice.

There's just a couple of rules you need to know before we go on.

There you go, that's my song, Adam's song, and it's called Special Bath.

And you can vote for both those songs up until midnight next Friday.

That's right.

Just email.

Yeah, you just, you have to email your vote, adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk, and we will put them both up on the blog, not so that you can download them, but so that you can listen to them and make sure your vote is fully considered.

Yeah, and they'll also be available on the podcast as well.

Of course, you can listen to them there in the context of the whole battle.

And of course, we'll unveil the winner on next week's show.

Very exciting.

And play it in full.

And the person that wins that will be like the Mercury Music Prize.

I'll say that again.

James, for the podcast, you can chop that bit out, right?

The live listeners don't mind.

It'll be like the Mercury Music Prize.

Right?

And the winner will just, um... Just what?

Fade away and never be heard again.

Ooh, you're cussing the Mercury Music Prize again!

I was joking, right?

I'm just joking.

You know, think of all the people that have won the Mercury.

The Arctic Monkeys, Pulp.

They're not flashing the pants, are they?

What you said was bullies.

Absolute bullos.

B.S.

Here, let's play some real music now.

This is the Dodos with fables.

Very nice.

That's the Dodos with Fables.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

So what's the last album you bought in a shop, Joe?

Can you remember?

Wow, that's a good question.

I bought the prefab sprout reissue thing.

Let's save the world with music.

But I bought that as a download.

Oh, did you?

Trying to think of the last... Physical purchase.

I can't remember the last time.

I don't think.

Flippin' Egg Tucker.

It's probably quite an old one.

Probably a reissue.

I sort of backed up my Prince Back catalogue recently.

Because that's the best thing when you find those classic albums for like three or four quid.

Yes, that's true.

Or a whole, like you can buy the whole of Tribe Called Quest's output for about 15 quid.

Every single album.

And they're amazing albums.

Yeah.

I know, it's ridiculous.

You suddenly find Bowie albums and stuff for three quid or whatever all piled up there.

And that's the other thing is that when the reissues come out and the new digital masters and stuff.

The unmastered ones go really cheap.

Yeah.

That's true.

And often that's all you need really, is those ones.

You've got a little free play for the listeners right now.

Yeah, good question though.

Thanks very much.

Get things bubbling on over.

Just talking over.

I was thinking like, start talking about music, right?

Because this is like a music show.

We just had to introduce your free play.

Yeah, it all connects.

So I start talking about music.

It wasn't the last time you bought.

It was brilliant, right?

Then we just get chatting about shops.

And it all ties into it.

And then it's sort of Peter's house.

Because none of us have really got anything to say.

I can't remember what it was that we bought.

That was good.

Didn't really tie into all the things I was hoping it might tie into, like the death of the music industry and high street shopping in general.

None of that really happened.

Instead it just sort of fizzled.

Here's a free play.

This is the... Now, how did we agree that we're going to pronounce it?

The Chai Lights.

Like highlights.

Yeah.

This is a message.

Even though you say that they're called the Chai Lights because they're from Chai Cargo.

But I think if you're from Chai Cargo, you say, I'm from Chai Town.

Chai Town.

Right.

Yeah.

Usher says that.

Does he?

You've got to be careful the way you say that.

This is a message for Broken Britain.

For its shattered streets.

Is it?

For the terrible class divisions.

For the shattered streets.

That exists in Britain.

With the pyramids buried beneath them.

Yeah.

This is called We Are Neighbours.

Yeah?

We're neighbours, so stop fighting each other!

The sound is kind of overdriven, that song.

It was sort of topping out because it was so exciting, wasn't it?

Yeah.

That's exactly what's happening.

That was the Chai Lights.

With We Are Neighbours, this has been Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Thanks very much for listening, especially if you've listened since nine.

Do you think there's anyone who's listened to the whole three hours?

Maybe someone on a long car journey?

Couple of people, maybe.

Somebody in hospital?

Someone bedridden, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we really hope you've enjoyed it.

Thanks for sticking with us.

It's been a pleasure having you along.

and we hope you'll join us at the same time next week.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw who's coming up shortly.

Don't forget you can check out our blog bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs forward slash Adam and Jo and do get in touch during the week via email or via the blog.

Yeah we'd love to hear, you know, we read all your emails and stuff like that and the more the merrier so please do get in touch.

Right now here's Hot Chip with over and over to play us out.

Thanks very much for listening, take care, love you, bye!