The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (06 September 2009)

And now, it's Adam and Jo.

It is the voice of the big, pretty castle.

It is the top of the apple that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and year.

So wait, is he running for governor, mayor or president?

He's got to make up his mind, hasn't he?

It's hard to tell.

We've got photos of the artists we play here on our sheet that our producer James has given us and the photo of James Brown.

Looks like one of his arrest photos.

Yeah, that's one of his arrest photos.

He doesn't look in very good shape, does he?

He looks haggard and tired.

His manifesto is a little confused though.

I mean, fair enough, you've got to get over before you go under.

That's absolutely fine.

That's a good platform to stand on.

But got to save you money like the mob.

Is that a good thing to be telling the voters?

Well, you know, the government, they're just a legitimate mob, aren't they?

Right.

So it's the same thing, really.

He's just being upfront about it.

Yeah.

Being honest.

Would you vote for him?

Yes.

Especially with that picture as well?

Yes.

Definitely with the picture.

Hey, good morning, listeners.

We're Adam and Joe.

I'm Joe.

I'm Adam.

And welcome to Britain's top political phone-in show.

For the next three hours, your chance to let off steam over the issues of the day.

Gordon Brown, can we still trust him?

Why can't he be straight with the country?

Alistair Darling, couldn't Britain really spend its way out of recession?

Alex Sammond.

Thanks for sending us down the river!

Swine flu, mass pandemic or mass panic?

Absolutely.

All the issues of the day for the next three hours.

Your chance to let off some steam!

Plus the millennium dome.

What are we doing with this white elephant?

White elephant?

Oh, elephant!

So get in let off some steam get angry that's what we always it's not it's not it's not it's not no it's not a political phone-in show I thought it was I thought you were saying it was I thought that was the whole point of what you were saying was that part of our rebrand Gordon Brown yeah that's all go on golden brown that's all you just have to say it like that you just have to phone in and say

Yeah, that's what it's gonna be like.

Three hours of that.

No music, just phone it.

Every now and again.

We don't even have adverts as well.

It's just gonna be angry people on the phone.

Hardcore ranting.

Remember, remember, the 5th of September, now it's no longer so hot.

Because I thought, you know, they've got one for the 5th of November.

Yes.

And it's cooling down.

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

That's good, man.

Well done.

I've got some other ones for like the other fifths of the months as well.

Fifth of June?

Do you want to hear it?

Yes.

Remember Baboon?

It's the fifth of June soon.

Probably.

It will be quite hot.

Yeah, the thing you're missing is that... What?

I think the November the 5th one was because it was... Gunpowder, treason and plot.

Yeah, fireworks night.

Yeah, so I've got the rhyme.

Yeah, but there was an event for the rhyme to commemorate.

It probably, it will be hot.

Was there something baboon related on the 5th of June?

That was mainly for the rhyme.

Right.

But it's aimed at baboons.

Alright, how about this?

5th March.

Remember the larch on the 5th day of March.

The tree has been growing a lot.

Now that's touching.

That's very sweet.

Well it's poetic, isn't it?

Yes it is poetic, isn't it?

Remember the larch.

Because people tend to forget about the Larch in March, you know, they're still excited about they're getting over Christmas in the New Year festivities and stuff and they they're still adjusting to the new year.

Do one for December.

What rhymes with December?

Remember, remember the 5th of December.

Oh, soon there'll be presents and a cake tot.

of whiskey.

Here's some Florence and the Machine.

This is Drumming Song.

There you go.

That's Florence and the Machine with Drumming Song.

She's been nominated for a Mercury Prize, is that right?

And her machine.

Yeah.

She's a, she's a Camberwell girl.

Is she?

Local to me.

Saff London Girl.

Yeah.

Do you ever see her walking around with that machine?

A lot of the time, a lot of the time.

Do you prefer her or the machine?

I don't know, she would, you know, I saw her on a phone, I heard her on a phone in the other day, it was on Radio One and the DJ, I think it was Joe Wiley, had questions from other Radio One DJs to ask her and she had a question from Chris Miles and the question was, what is the machine?

And I know, and Florence just went, was that it?

Is that his question?

It's not very original, is it?

She speaks like a bloke.

So that's a very roundabout way of dissing me.

And Moils, yeah.

And lumping you in the same bag as Moils, which is a good bag.

It's a very popular bag.

It's a successful bag.

Millions of listeners.

Yeah.

But it's also stained.

It's a little cramped in the bag.

Yeah.

But I don't mind.

It's got some holes in it.

I like it there.

Yeah.

All right.

I think that's a funny question.

No, I don't think she knows what the machine is.

Yeah.

People have got some issues with some of my questions for Tom York that were on the blog.

Yes.

I noticed a couple of comments there saying, Adam Buxton, I mean, it was a sort of a backhanded compliment.

Adam Buxton gets a lot out of a lot of lame material, said someone, like the comedy scientists on the blog.

Well, look at the material.

I've run the material through the computer.

You can't start feeling vulnerable about, like, blog comments.

I'm not vulnerable about it.

I just thought, is my material being judged now?

I mean, that's a little bit vulnerable.

Well... My material's brilliant!

What are you talking about?

You don't know who posted that.

It could be a two-year-old.

It's like taking advice from graffiti on walls.

Yeah.

Well, graffiti on walls is usually a problem.

I was just surprised.

It just seemed like if they were going to start thinking about the material after they've listened to our show... I think the point they made... It was a flattering point.

It was saying that, you know, you do lame material, but then you make it really charming by being vulnerable.

Just the idea that it's actual material.

Yeah.

is amusing to me, but anyone thinks that you or I come up with, and I'm lumping you in with this as well.

Thanks a lot.

Because let me tell you, my material makes your material look like tissue.

I'm dressed in material.

That's how much material I've got.

My clothes are made out of it.

Yeah, but look at my material.

I sleep under material.

I'm just looking at my material right now and my green jacket.

It's a little frayed.

It's totally frayed.

It's got huge holes in it.

In every respect, my material is coming apart.

So listen, we're neglecting Black Squadron a little bit, aren't we?

We are a bit.

To be perfectly honest, Black Squadron, your commanders are confused after their winter break, summer break.

See?

They don't even know what season it is.

You had an idea, though.

I like the... Why don't you just go for the simple one?

Go for the simple command?

Yeah, sure.

Alright.

Well, we need to play a record after the

They're a simple squadron.

All right, let me tell you about the record we're going to play.

It's a free play of mine.

It's Spoon.

It's one of the first Spoon tracks that I ever heard and I love it.

It's called That's the Way We Get By.

But first, here is the command for Black Squadron.

Do we need to boot them up?

Stand them to attention with the intro jingle.

Here it is.

Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show.

Black Squadron don't want to miss a thing.

That's not the way Black Squadron rolls.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron's power Yeah, Black Squadron, stand by for your command If you're alone, this might not work But if you're with somebody else, then the moment I say this word you have to do it to the person you're with Ready?

Ready

TICKLE!

That's Orange Juice, and that we think is a session version, because we've both got that album, haven't we, Adam?

Poor old soul, yeah.

The version that I'm familiar with is more laid-back, and it's got more of a groove on it, but that's a good one as well.

Lovely bit of Orange Juice.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

I wonder if Black Squadron are tickling each other.

Do you think it's like a kids' show, this...

It's basically like a toddler's program.

Oh, Saturday morning, but tickling isn't necessarily a childish thing.

It can be dangerous.

That's right.

I mean, if you were driving in a car there and someone started tickling you on the command of this show.

That was absolutely lethal.

It could have been fatal.

So what are you saying?

So I'm saying that's not for kids, is it, death?

Oh, I see.

They can't handle it.

You're saying that if a commando was to do it, it's a very different

Exactly.

Tickling is something that real squadies are trained to do.

You can disarm a terrorist with a carefully placed tickle.

Absolutely you can.

Tickle them in the right place and they're forced to drop the gun.

Not with joy.

I wouldn't be surprised on a serious note if they used tickling in places like Guantanamo.

As a torture.

Yeah, tickle... Well, that's different.

That's dark.

Tickle torture.

That's dark.

I'm saying this is a serious pony show, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

You're right.

When you're a child and someone tickles you and then doesn't stop.

Yeah.

You can nearly suffocate.

It's awful.

It's horrible.

But I'd like to see in a Bond film James Bond work his way through a room of baddies just with carefully placed tickling.

A nice bit of tickling.

Don't you think?

You know, where's the best place to tickle someone?

Because the obvious thing is to go for under the armpits there.

The ribs.

It's the ribs, I think.

You reckon.

A very sudden, you launch a hand suddenly towards the ribs.

Yeah.

And that's guaranteed to get any party started.

Have you never tried doing the thigh tickle?

The thigh pinch is effective.

The inner thigh.

Go in for the inner thigh and really root around in the inner thigh there.

Well, you have to do that with someone you're intimate with.

Yeah.

Do you?

Who are you doing that to?

I don't know, anyone really.

Did you do that to Tom York?

Yeah, big reaction.

You know, I haven't done it to Tom York.

I did, but I should... You should tickle celebrities.

Well, that could be our new thing.

I did tickle Johnny Greenwood from Radio.

I tickled him on his buttocks.

Did you?

I reached around and I grabbed his... I was probably working on a song about that.

I grabbed his buttocks and I did a little tickle and he looked appalled.

I mean, I really regretted doing it.

Did you?

Yeah.

Why did you do it?

Because I was overexcited.

Really?

Yeah.

Was he in a happy mood, or was he?

He was.

He seemed to be in a happy mood, which is why I thought maybe it would be a good thing to do.

I think the misconception is that tickling someone can make an unhappy person happy.

That is true.

It doesn't work that way.

It makes them angry.

But listen, under normal circumstances, tickling the buttocks is very, gets good results.

You've come anywhere near my buttocks.

Well, I will be so happy.

You're a good example of a person I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with.

Really?

It wouldn't occur to me.

There's a lot to tickle here.

There's a whole lot of tickling.

That's what confuses people.

They don't know where to start.

Right.

Yeah.

Where would you like to be?

There's miles of me.

I mean, no one likes, no one really likes being tickled, do they?

And my daughter I've noticed, my young daughter absolutely loves it.

My little babies love being tickled.

Not my daughter.

She's fed up with it, yeah.

She looks at me with a look of utter... Get off!

What are you doing?

Ah!

Get off!

That's the only word she can say.

Is it?

Okay, he's gonna tell us about it.

This is Song Away.

That's, uh, Hocky.

They're from Portland, Oregon in the United States.

Portland is the hot new town, right?

I mean, that's... It used to be Austin, Texas for a while, and Austin may still be hot, but Portland is now absolutely where it's at.

Have you ever been there?

No, never been.

Ever been to Austin, Texas?

No, we'd love to go.

We'd love to.

Oh, you've been there.

Have you?

Was it nice?

Yes, it was very nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, the Alamo Drafthouse cinema's there.

That's all I cared about.

Full of cowboys.

Cinema for cowboys.

Yeah, did you wear your cowboy boots then?

Yes.

Have a pistol fight?

Do you think they're good then, Hocky?

Did you enjoy that?

I asked you if you had a pistol fight!

No, it's a cinema!

I had some food and watched the film.

You were a little grumpy about Hocky, I thought.

Well, I think it's mysterious how new bands appear on stations like this, you know?

Who chooses these new bands?

Who chooses which one to push?

I don't know, the guy, there's some guy who listens to all the music.

They sounded a tiny bit undistinguished, I thought.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, that's a controversial thing to have an opinion, I know.

Bit workman-like.

Yeah, tiny bit.

I mean, maybe I need to listen to them more.

Well, they were very much in the thrall of... There must be millions of exciting new bands.

Why hockey?

I mean, they look cool.

We got a picture of them.

They're young and good looking, stripey shirts.

You've answered your own question then, haven't you?

Young and good looking with stripey shirts.

Yeah, that's all you need.

And they sound nice.

I thought that was nice.

It was nice.

You're right to be positive about it.

Yeah, I thought that was nice.

Oh, come on.

I thought it was nice.

It was really nice.

It was good.

You know what, I was doing a bit of name dropping there before and about tickling Jonny Greenwood's Beautiful House.

Yes.

Because I was at Reading last weekend.

Right.

I saw Radiohead in full swing.

I mean, that was, I think that's going to go down in the annals of history as being one of the all-time great shows at Reading or any other festival.

But I met lots of groovy young bands, bumped into Vampire Weekend.

Very nice, boys.

Oh, so you're worried you might bump into hockey and they might have heard that.

Well, this is what I'm building up to, yeah.

Yeah.

Because when I do, I'm going to be able to say, listen, that wasn't me, that was Tall Joe Cornballs.

Yeah.

So don't punch me in the face, hockey.

Yeah.

Because I also bumped into Gold and Silver's Drummer.

We've played them on this show.

Yeah, we like them, though.

They're fantastic.

We've been very positive about them.

So, you know, when I, if and when I bump into hockey, I don't want any aggravation.

I don't want a hockey puck right in my, upside my head.

That is what I'm saying, okay?

I'm looking forward to having a fight with hockey.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, there's only one guy that looks a bit tasty in hockey.

Which one's that, second from the right?

No, the guy on the end with the little moustachio.

He looks overly tasty.

He looks heavily flavoured.

The rest of hockey aren't going to give you much trouble, I don't think.

Second from the right looks like it's trouble.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's 9.30.

Time for the news.

Very nice.

That's Radiohead, of course, with no surprises.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music and we won't go on about Radiohead anymore.

Suffice to say that it was a wonderful show at Reading last weekend.

Thanks also to everyone who came along to my show that I did there.

Many Black Squadron members came along and there was a very loud bit of Stevenage before I went on which mystified the

The MC, he'd never heard of Stephen, or our show.

And when various members of the crowd started shouting, Stephen!

He said, he was confused.

He didn't know what the hell was going on.

He said, what's Steven?

What happens if I shout Steven?

And they said, go on, shout Steven.

So the MC finally shouted Steven and there was a very loud, just coming.

And if you don't know what that means, listeners, then let me explain.

That's just something that you can shout if you want to identify other people that listen to this show.

If you shout Steven in a crowded place and someone shouts, just coming back at you, then you know that they are also listeners to this program.

I got a couple of shouts in the street during the week.

Oh yeah?

On Oxford Street, did you respond?

Well, I was walking down a very crowded Oxford Street, and from somewhere in the crowd came Stephen!

And it was a bit like a sort of a 50s horror film.

I didn't know where it had come from, or who'd said it when I looked round, all I could see were blank faces.

So I was too confused, I missed the moment.

You see, you shouldn't look around even, it should just immediately come out.

Just come in!

And another one I got in, I was walking through Soho, and a young man walked past me, and went,

Like that.

And I was again so surprised.

I think I went hey, or hi, possibly, at best.

But I'm no good at it.

You are not good at it.

I can't respond to it.

Listen, I was in an airport toilet.

Really?

And there was a Steven from inside the cubicle.

Really?

Next to mine.

From inside the urinal.

No, in a cubicle.

I couldn't even see where it had come from.

I just heard from within the cubicle.

I was washing my hands.

I hear, Steven?

So I gave him a just-coming, you know, but it was pretty weird for me and everyone else in the lavatory at the time.

They just thought, wow, this is a special new type of cottaging that's going on in the airport.

I'll be back later.

Anyway.

I've got to practice.

We've got to figure out some way that I can get up to speed, you know, sharpen up my Stephen responses.

You really do.

Sort of a training camp.

Stephen!

Look, you see, you can't even do it on air!

Try again, try again.

Stephen!

You know, just coming.

Coming is fine.

If you're embarrassed about the just coming, you just keep coming.

Something like that.

Can't do it.

Last bit of Radiohead related nonsense.

Don't forget that there is a so-called interview with myself and Tom York available to see, exclusive to our BBC Six music blog.

You can check that out right now.

The blog can be found at bbc.co.uk slash blogs slash Adam and Joe.

And don't forget you can just email us about general bits and bobs.

The blog tends to be targeted comments, doesn't it?

arranged under themes.

You know, but if you've just got general wiffle waffle that you want to send our way, then the email address is adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

You know, we love your emails.

Made up jokes and stuff.

We might have a few made up jokes that we've accumulated over the summer later in the show.

And you can text us, of course, at any point on 64046, and text will be charged at your standard message rate.

You know, Zane Lowe says all that stuff incredibly fast when he's on his show.

He's a good DJ.

But I wonder if he might get a knuckle rap because he says it so fast, you know what I mean?

No, that's allowed, isn't it?

Because they say that stuff very fast at the end of mortgage adverts on the radio, don't they?

If you go too fast, though, it becomes incomprehensible.

Yeah.

I mean, he does it, like, as a thing.

He does it amazing.

He's an information machine, though, isn't he?

Yeah.

He's a walking encyclopedia of useless rock triffs.

Yeah.

And contemporary rock triffs.

And useful rock triffs.

Yeah.

And very useful rock triffs.

Mmm.

He was wondering around at Reading as well.

He's a nice guy.

He's a very nice guy.

Anyway, here's Friendly Fires with Kiss of Life.

That was Friendly Fires there with Kiss of Life.

Now, they're one of four bands presenting shows for Six Music on Sunday afternoons in the run-up to the Mercury Music Prize, right?

That's the big event in the music calendar around this time of year, amongst all the other big events in the music calendar, right?

Wouldn't you say, Joe?

Yeah, yeah, I would say that.

The horrors are actually presenting the first of the shows tomorrow afternoon from 3.30.

What's that gonna be like?

Yeah, I mean, can they speak?

They're like vampire people, though.

They stay up for four or five days on the trot, and I wouldn't think that they would be in any way articulate.

They're quite posh, the horrors.

Are they?

Yeah, they are.

Like posh vampires.

Yeah, they're very, very posh vampires.

So I think they're very well-spoken.

Probably.

I like the horrors.

I'm going to drink your blood.

I like the one with the extended pudding bowl haircut.

You know what I mean?

It's brave to have a pudding bowl, but then to let the fringe actually descend beneath the nose.

That's really going out on a limb.

I like it.

Yeah.

Well, tune in tomorrow at 3.30 and you'll be able to hear how they get on here at Six Music.

Now, I took one of the other people that was lurking around at Reading, right, was Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grind, Harry Pooter and his buddy Ron Johns.

Ron Weasley.

Yeah.

They were wandering around there and they were sort of disguised.

They had crazy hats and stuff on and goggles and things like that.

Stop them from being mobbed by muggles.

Uh, yeah, but they, I mean, it didn't really because the muggles were absolutely swamping them and taking pictures.

They were really nice though.

They seemed every, you know, they were very smiley enough for having their pictures taken and stuff like that.

I like them both.

I've especially got a soft spot for Grinty.

Yeah, do you?

Yeah, I think he's Malcolm McDowell for the noughties.

Yeah.

Do you think he's got the longevity there?

Is he going to last?

Well, it depends on his career choices.

He could either be Malcolm McDowell or he could be the guy from Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

He could go either way.

His choice is so far Thunderpants.

That was very young, though.

He was very young.

He did a driving school one.

It's early days for both of them.

Very early days.

They're very young.

Let's not judge them.

There was a very snippy interview with him in some men's mag.

With Grinty?

Yeah, in FHM or something like that.

Really?

The whole thrust of the thing was like, you're washed up.

You're never going to have a career.

And they were really giving him a hard time about it.

Um, I thought he dealt with it very manfully in the article.

I wish him all the best.

Anyway, we went to see Harry Pooter and the Half-Blueed Plant.

Oh, did you?

Yeah.

I haven't seen it yet.

Me and my boys, they were absolutely desperate to see it, even though they're pretty young.

I mean, five and seven?

You know, and it's a twelve.

So it was up to me as the parent to make the call.

And, um, I was a little bit worried it would be too scary.

Actually, it wasn't too scary.

What it was, was too boring.

It was long, isn't it?

How long is it?

It's two and a quarter of a half years.

It's two and a half hours.

Two and a half hours.

I mean, I would be bored in any film that lasted that long, you know what I mean?

And the thing is that they've, it's David Yates, is it the director?

Yes.

He's got a lot of character work going on in there.

And they are really, I mean, hooray, there's some great character development.

But that's a little bit lost on the under-10s.

And my own fault for taking them, you know, it is a 12A, certainly, perhaps the 12-year-old.

What was happening?

What were your kids doing?

How did they just, you know, show their boredom?

It started off very early on with one of them getting some popcorn lodged in his throat, which happens quite a lot.

I forgot that it happened last time.

I've just got to stop buying the popcorn.

But about 10 minutes in, right, there was a tap on my shoulder.

I got popcorn in my brain.

So I was like, okay, have some here, drink a little bit of fizzy pop.

No, because it was just, it was, you know, do you ever get that?

It's a little shard of popcorn and you can feel it stuck there.

I don't really like popcorn.

Don't have it.

Right.

Well, that's a good reason not to, because very often you can get a little shard lodged there.

And you can feel it.

I much prefer to eat shards.

Do you?

Big bag of shards.

Delicious chocolate covered shards.

Yeah.

Wow.

Now he just goes for the popcorn and the shards come off and then so right the way through the film he was just making like loads of noise as well in the quiet bits.

All you could hear was...

And he wasn't joking, he was just trying to dislodge the shard.

So I felt bad, I kept on saying, shh, try and do it a little bit more quietly.

And I had to buy him a hot dog to see if that would dislodge it and stuff.

Did you not, was he disturbing other viewers?

I would say so.

You should have taken him outside.

Well, what was I going to do though?

There was two of them.

I didn't want to just totally disrupt the whole thing.

I couldn't leave the other guy on his own there, the other guy, my son.

That little guy that follows me around.

The weird short guy.

Meanwhile, the other guy is bored out of his mind.

because he can't figure out what's going on.

The only time he's perking up is when they do the broomstick battles.

What's the sport game called?

Quidditch.

Quidditch, right?

So he perks up a little bit when the quidditch starts and when there's some extreme wand action going on.

But apart from that, during all the plot unfolding moments of which there are many, he was absolutely bored out of his mind and he turned round and he was facing the wrong way in his seat and he was bashing his head against the back of the seat.

You and I used to do that.

as a demonstration of boredom as teenagers.

Well, he was doing it sincerely.

Well, that's advanced.

I was saying, man, do you want to leave?

Because we can leave.

If it's too boring, we can leave.

And he's like, no, no, no, I like it.

I really like it.

Let's stay.

So we're at two and a half hours of this.

We must have been driving the people behind us mental.

Was it quite full in there?

It was relatively full, yeah.

And in Norwich as well, it's a very respectful audience you get.

There's no mobile phone calls and talking and stuff.

People are really nice and well behaved.

And we were the worst behaved people there, spilling popcorn, coughing and spluttering, bashing heads against the back of the seats.

It was pretty bad.

But we were thinking maybe we might talk about cinema etiquette a little bit later on in the show.

Yeah, we might do a Text the Nation listeners.

Do a cinema manifesto like we did for gigs.

Yeah.

We only say might though.

We might do it.

Yeah.

Might not do it.

Might not.

We don't know.

It's like that.

We make decisions on the spurs that we roll.

Here's a free choice.

This is yours, Joe, right?

Yeah, this is another one from Now.

Most Def's album.

Ah, well done.

Yeah.

I played a track from this last week.

The album's called The Ecstatic.

This is another of my favourite tracks.

Listen to this one, listeners.

Listen to where this one goes and where his rapping goes and what happens to the backing track.

It's phenomenal.

This is called Kaza Bae.

That's Empire of the Sun, mate.

Is it, mate?

Yeah, that's Walking on a Dream, right?

If you listen to that song, right?

Yeah.

There's only about, like, three chords and it just goes over and over again.

There's no real chorus.

Yeah, but that's a good thing, you know, a lot of bands overuse chords.

Listen, mate.

I'm saying it's a bad thing.

Why are you getting up in my grill about it, mate?

What's the matter with you today, mate?

I'm just saying that they only use a minimal number of chords in the song and it just goes over round and round and round.

He's done a lot with a little, that's all I'm saying, and you're getting all up in my grill about it.

Mate, you're really steamed up today.

I'm really steamed up about the way you're behaving towards me.

Yeah.

You've got some issues I'd like to talk and discuss with you about.

By the way, mate, where are you from?

Where were you?

What country are you from?

Because your accent's a little bit funny.

America.

It's like an Australian version of Inglourious.

We can't say the name of that film, can we?

Can't we?

Not even if we say Sturds.

No.

It's like an Australian version of that Quentin Tarantino film.

Where are they from in that film?

Well, there's a brilliant scene where they all try and suss each other's fake accents.

Oh, right.

They're all pretending to be, uh, Charmon.

Yeah.

Is that an enjoyable film?

Yeah.

Yeah, well then.

Um, so listen, ladies and gentlemen, I think that it's time we launched the nation's favourite feature, don't you?

I definitely doodles.

Here's the jingle.

Text the nation.

Text, text, text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

So one of my favourite little blogs that I like to visit is called Ultra Culture, run by a young man called Charlie Line.

It's a very good opinionated movie blog and he's done on it this week, a manifesto for cinema going.

And he makes some quite good points about what gets annoying about cinemas.

One of his points is the following.

Screens in cinema should always be 70% as wide as the auditorium.

Yeah, he's quite specific with his commands on the blog Ultra Culture, but there he's complaining about, you know, you pay money for a cinema and then you get into a room that's smaller than your front room with a screen that's only just larger than your telly.

Has that ever happened?

Yes, you get filtered off down the sides.

It's like you go to a cinema complex and you think, wow, they've got 20 screens here.

And you realize that about

ten of them are yes as all of them sometimes like they they used to be a giant screen and then little ones but the giant screens have become uneconomical so they've sliced and diced them up and often they're all really kind of tiny plus you get a sound bleeding across from some of the yes in those things as well

So anyway, we were going to, with your help listeners, put together a sort of a 10-point cinema manifesto, and we're going to take this manifesto and we're going to distribute it to all major cinema chains.

And if they don't obey the laws, then everyone who listens to this show will boycott those chains.

Yeah.

It's going to be, it's more of a, less of a case of Odeon and more of a case of Odeon.

Nice.

EAT OUR MANIFESTO!

Nice!

Was his name Oscar Deutsch?

Yeah, Oscar Deutsch entertains our nation.

I think that's what, uh, Odeon stood for.

Take this, Oscar Deutsch!

Maybe that's going too far, maybe that's against the big British castle rules.

We can't encourage listeners to boycott any kind of company, but we can mobilize Black Squadron.

That's right.

I mean, Black Squadron are beneath the radar.

They're above the law.

What are Black Squadron gonna do, exactly?

Something involving toast and eggs in their mouths.

I don't know, they're going to go loaded with all their various bits of black squadron equipment.

They're going to do some hideous subterfuge on cinemas.

Anyway, so text us on 64046 with things that you'd like fixed about the cinema.

Here's one of the things I'd like fixed.

I think they should bring back boxes.

In the old days, boxes in theatres were for very posh people, right?

You'd have your own little sort of balcony, private area.

I think they should be sound-proofed.

and glass and they should put idiots in them.

Do you know what I mean?

But then the idiots would have to pay extra, wouldn't they?

Yeah, but maybe the idiot boxes, which is what they'd be called, would be cheaper.

That's an interesting angle though.

You're putting the idiots in the exclusive area.

Yeah, so that they're soundproof, so they can misbehave and text and chat and stuff and moon or puke on the inside of the glass as much as they want.

They'd be behind the civilized people.

Have you seen much mooning in the cinema recently?

Well, I'm just thinking if you put someone in a glass box, they tend to moon.

Either that or press the boobs up against it.

Yeah.

It's a natural human response.

That's a nice thing, though.

They should have a separate box for that.

Well, you could turn the other way in your seat, like your son.

Yes, exactly.

Hey, speaking of which, Joe is just checking the ratings regulations.

Yeah, someone sent us in a little text pertaining to Adam's story about his kids in the cinema.

It's from Chris in Stirling.

Dear Adam and Joe, sorry to say that the minimum age for a 12A film is 8.

Parental discretion only applies to kids aged 8 to 12.

The authorities have been informed, we'll be in touch in due course.

Flipping heck.

So Count Buckley's is gonna be clanked up.

I'm a law breaker, taking my kids to sea, films they shouldn't see, like Harry Potter and I've got blue and brown.

It's a law abuse, man.

Isn't it?

Is it?

Yeah, NSPCC.

Wow, you really took it to an extreme... Well, you've abused your children's imagination by showing them dragons.

Scary dragons at too young an age.

Yeah.

They didn't have any nightmares, though.

They just slept very soundly.

My most treasured cinematic memories are films that hideously traumatised me at a young age.

It wasn't hideously traumatic in any way.

You know, they were more hideously traumatised by Coraline than they were by the...

Half-blood prayers.

I tell you what else I'd get rid of in cinema, going, uh, pick and mix.

Why, what's the problem with that?

Well, those pick and mix bags.

Right.

They're so noisy.

They're so big.

They're like sleeves.

You have to plunge most of your arm into them to get to the sweets.

What are you... I think... And they're very crinkly.

Right.

Cloth bags.

Silky or cloth bags.

Hessian sacks.

Yeah, that don't make any noise when you go for a sweet.

No wrapped sweets.

Mm-hmm.

No, no cellophane.

All sweets served in cloth bags.

It's the kind of thing I'm looking for.

So presumably you've got a big popcorn problem then, haven't you?

With people crunching popcorn.

A little bit, I suppose, but it's traditional popcorn.

What about slurping of drinks?

Doesn't bother me, really.

When you get down to the bottom of the cup, you mean, you bring up the dregs.

And people slooshing around their ice.

I like slooshing.

I mean, it's not a big problem.

What are you eating when you go?

Do you take a snack in there?

I like minstrels.

Yeah.

Uh, and some water.

Nice bit of water.

That's nice.

I like, um, what are the other ones?

But hang on, this is just what you like.

It's got to be, you've got to give me attitude, opinion.

Oh, right.

I tell you what I don't like.

Oh, God, I don't know.

Um, phones?

Mobile phones?

Yes, good.

Now, I'll tell you what I would get rid of, right?

The orange ads.

I mean, that's a very old... Well, they've got a new one up there now.

The Juliet Lewis one.

Have you seen that one?

No.

Ah, it's very dense.

It's a treatment store.

They've tried to pack a lot of jokes in.

Flipping heck.

It makes me want to kill people.

I mean, none of those Orange Ads is exciting.

It was a point very well made in Peepshow, I think, by David Mitchell's character.

Like, you can tell the people who haven't been to the cinema for two years because they're the ones laughing at the Orange Ads.

Yes.

I watched that film State of Play the other day.

Oh yeah, how was that?

It's got the man from the Orange Ads in it.

Has it?

Yeah.

It really popped me out of the story when he walked in.

That guy's a bit in trouble, really.

Anyway, we'd like to hear your ideas, listeners, for what you would have on your cinema manifesto, what things you would ban.

And we can also have what things you would enforce, as well.

Yeah, any kind of rules.

I mean, remember our gig manifesto we did, and how effective that's been.

It's totally changed the gig-going experience.

Yeah, for people.

Mmm.

Here's a bit of Joe Strummer for you right now.

This is Coma Girl.

Sir, Joe Strummer with Coma Girl.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC 6 Music on a Saturday morning.

Welcome along, listeners, if you've just joined us.

We're very happy to have you listening.

You know, what would it be like if no one was listening at all?

I mean, then we'd seem pretty stupid.

Nah, it'd be the same, wouldn't it?

You're right.

Exactly the same.

We'd just be sat here.

I'd swear more.

Would you?

Yeah.

Do you miss swearing?

I do a bit.

You like to swear, don't you?

I find it useful in expressing myself.

I swear less now that I've been doing this show, I think.

Do you?

Yeah, because I'm more... It's a good discipline, isn't it?

Yeah.

Good discipline, sure.

We shouldn't even talk about it, though, because the dirty words will pop into our heads and then they'll accidentally come out and then there'll be a scandal and then we'll get fired.

Then we'll get Saturdays off.

That's what you're aiming for, isn't it?

Extra half a day off, mate.

It's a beautiful day out there, mate.

It's lovely.

You going surfing later?

Of course I'm going surfing.

Have you waxed your tinni board?

Yeah, my tinni board's all completely hairless.

Yeah, beautiful.

Lovely.

What kind of a wave are you hoping for?

One of the wavy curly ones.

Ah, they're my favourite, mate.

What I like to do, Adam, is I like to surf right out and wait for a big one to come along.

And then what I do is I stand up on my surfboard and I surf down the middle of the wave.

I call it a tube, it resembles a tube.

I call it that tube.

I surf down the middle.

And what tends to happen is photographers take photos of me and cameramen take camera pictures of me and they put me in documentaries about sexy surfers.

Now what I've got is a little cameraman on the tip of my board.

Have you mate?

Yeah.

Do you put the footage on YouTube?

Yeah I do.

Brilliant.

And it's super fast.

It takes like about a thousand frames a minute.

One time I was surfing and I fell off my board.

Wow.

Wild.

What happened?

Nothing, nothing else.

Did you get back on?

I did, I got on.

Oh mate!

No actually I paddled, I paddled back into the shore.

Paddled?

Were you on a bike?

Had a bit of a sit down.

What?

It's gone, Sam, definitely could.

Had a sit down on the beach, mate.

Did you, and you pedaled in you were on a bike.

Did you use a bike?

No, what's on a surfboard, mate?

You said you pedaled.

Where are you from?

I don't know.

Listen, let's focus.

You were going to tell us something about... I feel the moment's passed.

Do you?

I might save it.

Do another record.

You're going to do a free play right now.

My friend Danny made me a compilation this summer and I haven't had a compilation made for me for a very long time.

And Danny really puts the work in.

He's one of these people that does the cover art and he lays it out.

What was the cover art on this one?

It was to do quite serious cover art.

Yeah, he said of a joke he no no He's it's pretty serious like he'd sourced pictures of all the featured artists rights and made a little compilation right like and now that's what I call music kind of thing yeah relation and it was beautifully laid out lovely track listing and everything and he'd really put some label on the CD sure really printed label printed play because that can let a compilation down you do a beautiful sleeve then you open it and it's just

Sharpie on the CD.

Direct printing onto the CD surface itself.

I mean, it was just exemplary.

He's from a family of printers.

He is, yeah.

That's true.

So, you know, he's got a little head start.

But it was wonderful.

And it was one of those tracks, we played the compilation one evening when we were on holiday, and we played it from start to finish, and it was just a very coherent, enjoyable musical journey.

A few things that I already knew, but they were nice because I was sort of rediscovering them.

Hadn't heard them for a long time.

It was nice to hear them again.

And then a couple of nuggets that I'd never heard before, which were wonderful.

Sat very well.

It was sounding a bit like Zane though there.

Yeah.

When you said comprehensive musical journey, a little bit of your Australian accent was still in there.

Oh yeah.

Spatchcock.

Anyway, this was a track that I hadn't heard before by Kevin Ayres that popped up on Danny's compilation, and it's quite odd, but it's enjoyable.

I hope you like it, listeners.

This is Town Feeling.

Are you laughing at me going, ah, there we go.

Hey man, now you're a lube.

What?

Just sounded comically dufferish.

Yeah, thanks.

So listen, do you, Adam Buxton, do you watch a lot of BBC Three?

You know what?

I don't anymore.

What?

I feel as if it's no longer my target.

Because they rejected your pilot.

No, that's not the reason!

Well, they have some problems with their comedy output, BBC 3 maybe, some people might say, you know, problems the wrong word, controversy, Horne and Cordon, stuff like that, you know.

It does very well.

It does very well, but some people are angry about it, but I tell you what, they do very well.

is youth documentaries.

They do really good youth documentaries that go on for hours, like there was one something called Man or Chicken or something testing the prowess of young men that went on, that seemed to go on in sort of two-hour segments, but because there's no commercial breaks

They can do really satisfying sort of teen documentaries, and they seem to have a thing going.

I think they might be working in consort with the government.

They seem to be making a documentary about every single teenager in Britain, one by one, going through the entire populace and kind of trying to fix them.

They're starting with the most idiotic ones.

I think Channel 4 might have started this actually, and BBC 3 have now taken over the kind of task.

Well, the classic in the genre was the Chris Needham one years ago.

Yes.

What was that one?

In Bed With Madonna?

No.

No, that's Bob Mills.

What was it about?

You know the one I'm talking about, though?

The guy in bed with the guy, the Madonna fan?

Or was that years and years ago?

Anyway, Chris Needham one was the heavy metal guy.

Right.

Do you remember that one?

Yeah, it was called something.

The title was a riff on In Bed With Madonna.

they did that was a follow-up one in bed with Chris Needham right but the original one anyway I love that kind of thing I love a documentary about a really endearingly thick teenager who kind of has to come face to face with their problems there was another one on BBC three called

Oh God, I can't remember any of the names, but people who were like addicted to junk food and they were taken to see the junk food manufactured, who were like addicted to label clothing and they were taken to Indonesia to see the sweatshops where the clothing was made, stuff like that.

Anyway, there was one on the other day called Young Dumb and Living Off Mum.

And they took a group of teenagers who were particularly dumb and dependent on their parents, stuck them in a big house and gave them tasks.

And the winner was going to be the one that was the most adult who'd grown up the most by the end.

And how long were they in there for?

Weeks and weeks and weeks.

Yeah, but every episode was about an hour and a half and it was very satisfying, no commercial breaks, you could get really absorbed in their trials.

So it's like a condensed big brother.

Yeah, it was extraordinary, and they came across an amazing girl, aged about 18, called Danielle, who looked like sort of the ghost of a young Vanessa Feltz.

She'd done her face up to look really weirdly pale, and she had huge blonde hair, and she was very, very ditzy.

but in a really entertaining and kind of charming way.

One of the tasks she was given was to go into a primary school, teach the kids a history lesson and then perform a play based on that history lesson at the end of the day to the students and pupils.

So the subject Danielle chose to do the play on was the tragic death of Princess Diana.

Nice subject.

Now, she was 18, so she must have been about five or six when that actually happened, the terrible tragedy.

So she can be excused for not knowing too many of the details of what happened, right?

Yeah.

But she did some online research to back up her facts.

But despite her online research, she still got some of the, you know, hard, cold truths of Diana's accident a bit wrong.

Here's a clip of a little bit of one of her lessons.

Listen to this.

Yeah.

She crashed into the Eiffel Tower.

Her car crashed into the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah.

That is correct.

Well done.

It would have been better, don't you think, if she'd crashed right into the Eiffel Tower?

And the top had just toppled down.

I mean, not better in any other way, but, you know, more now.

Obviously, yeah.

It would be more... less... oh, dear.

So she gets a bit embarrassed about that, a teacher intercedes and tries to correct the facts.

Yeah.

And listen to Danielle kind of trying to come to terms emotionally with the impact that the crash must have had on Diana's family.

Listen to this bit.

That must have hit her son bad, mustn't it?

Whoa.

I mean, that is, if you're taking the temperature of the nation's youth, that's a pretty savage indictment.

Can we just hear that one more time?

That must have hit her son bad, mustn't it?

Bad one.

Must have hit her son bad.

Yeah, had a terrible impact on her children, is what she's saying.

Must have hit her son bad.

But that's okay.

She's emotionally engaging with it then.

Maybe she was rendered inarticulate by the emotion here.

Exactly.

So she corrals the kids together, they start rehearsing their play about the death of Diana.

And there's still a couple of factual inaccuracies.

This is the kids going through the cast list.

This is them describing who's in the car when the crash happens.

Welcome to the Princess Diana show.

Princess Diana died in a tragic car accident by a murderer.

This is the car driver for Princess Diana.

This is?

Diana's husband.

This is Da Murderer.

So Prince Charles is in the car.

And also Da Murderer is in the car.

This is a good idea for a series in itself though, isn't it?

Just getting children to do half-remembered versions of the history.

Well, I always thought the news would be better staged by kids, just generally.

But that's, you know, little kids, they've got a really positive attitude to murder.

Yeah, that murder.

Well, it's exciting.

They love all that stuff.

They love war and the army and all that kind of miserable stuff.

So you would have thought someone might have interceded there and explained to Danielle that, you know, the whole murder thing is a pretty unsubstantiated conspiracy theory that's probably not true.

And even if it was true, it's doubtful the murderer would actually be sitting in the car and also that Charles wasn't in the car, etc.

And they didn't crash into the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah.

But so here's the final performance of the Diana show.

This is the finished play.

I think BBC Three might have cut around this a little for taste and decency purposes.

But when all the kids giggle, what's happening on screen is they're performing the crash.

OK, that's just a little note.

But here's the finished production of Danielle's Diana show.

Wow.

Welcome to the Princess Diana shine.

Princess Diana gets into the car.

Mommy, I'm going to be lying.

Princess Diana is dead.

The end.

I mean, that's how I remember it.

It's sort of amazing though, isn't it, that just over 10 years later, that kind of thing is being screamed.

Well, it's a terrifying sort of warning of how factual inaccuracy can very quickly become dangerous historical revisionism.

True, that's exactly what it is.

This is why facts are important.

Because very quickly, the fact that inaccuracies pass down the generations.

Yeah.

But that's quite moving, isn't it?

That is a sobering little piece of documentary there.

Thank you very much for bringing it to our attention.

Pleasure.

Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

It's just exactly 10.30 and it's time for the news.

That's MGMT with kids.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Have you seen the video for that?

They just finished a video.

It's taken them about nine months.

The scary ones.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I saw that a little while ago, actually.

The baby being traumatised by the monster.

It's a pretty unsettling video.

Yeah, it's very odd.

And most of the comments underneath it on YouTube were, how could the mother of that child expose her kid to such hideous... Because basically it's these freaky, cartoony monsters, but they're done with weird, rubbery, freaky masks.

And they're sort of tormenting a little baby in a cradle.

And the baby appears to be bursting into tears.

And then the mum picks up the baby and walks down the street.

A mum played by Joanna Newsom.

And all the people they pass in the street are all hideous, mutated, freaky monsters.

And the kid's still bawling.

It's kind of odd.

We showed it at Bug the other day.

What kind of a response did it get?

Well, it sort of, the audience was laughing.

And they sort of found it funny, but it was an uncomfortable laughter.

And a lot of people came up to me afterwards and said they found it irresponsible.

No, sort of an unpleasant view.

I mean, the director, Ray Tintore, insists that the child was not traumatised.

I'm sure they took great care, yeah.

But still, it's worth a look anyway, see what you think.

Listen, let's get in on the debate and then contact us here at the show and let off some steam.

That's what it's all about.

Okay, let's get into text the nation right now.

Here's the jingle.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Text the Nation listeners this week is all about cinema rules.

You know, we're putting together a cinema manifesto that we're going to issue to all major cinemas in the British Isles.

And if they don't obey it, then Black Squadron are going to perform a top secret operation to bring them down.

I thought you were going to say perform a topless ballet.

Well, they might do that as well.

That would be nice.

That's just for us.

So what kind of stuff have we got coming in?

We've got some very good ideas coming in from the listeners, Adam.

I'll read some out to you right now.

Why don't you do that, John?

Go, now, go.

Here's one from Paul Gledhill in Maidenhead.

He says, all popcorn should be pre-crushed or chewed so as not to be so loud.

That is not practical, Paul.

Come on, it's good.

So you'd order popcorn and then the guy behind the counter, yeah, £2.50 please, and then he'd eat it.

He'd chew it up and feed it to you like a bird.

And then regurgitate it back into like a paper tarp.

Like a bird feeding its little chicks.

I mean that would, it would take time and it would be physically revolting.

Like Jim Carrey.

And it would render the popcorn inedible.

Yeah.

It would reduce the crunching noise in the auditorium.

It seems like a fairly extreme thing to do just to... Well, it's being considered for the manifesto.

Here's the thing.

Here's the problem I foresee, right?

And this, tell me if this is being too niggly.

I don't think most people would like to have popcorn, to eat popcorn that's already been eaten and regurgitated by a guy.

Well, they're disease-free.

It's okay.

They'd be checked for diseases.

Oh, would they?

The staff before.

Yeah, they'd be medically clean.

So it's fine.

That's fine.

That's a good idea.

Good idea.

Here's another one from Matt in Lancaster.

Cinema should not show adverts that are also on TV.

Uh-huh.

That's a good idea, don't you think?

Yes.

This is for the single reason that people still laugh at the inanity, consequently ruining the experience for everyone.

I think it diminishes the cinema-going experience anyway, because somewhere in the back of your head, it reduces the grand, wonderful,

Dream Portal, that is the cinema screen, drags it down to the same level as the tele.

Yes, exactly.

Now it's nice to have a unique cinema going experience, to see ads there that you wouldn't see anywhere else.

So that's a good rule, that's definitely a good candidate for the manifesto.

Here's another very good one from Gary Chamberlain.

Cinemas should have headphone sockets in the seats like they have on airlines.

I can never understand why they've never done this.

It can't be that expensive.

It beats listening to some cretinous 15 year old on his phone or someone behind you guzzling nachos at deafening volume.

It probably is that expensive though, wouldn't you think?

Just a couple of little wires.

Yeah, but that would be expensive.

I'll do it.

Really, you go around and fit them all.

I mean, it's a brilliant idea.

It's a good idea.

You have the little quarter-inch jack socket there.

Is it quarter-inch?

I'm not sure.

Anyway, and so you can plug, you can just bring in your own headphones.

Surround sound headphones as well.

Higher headphones or buy them or anything like that.

You can just plug them in.

Because if 3D takes off, everyone, you know, people might have their own glasses.

They're talking about doing that.

You'll buy your, you know, some Ray-Ban 3D specs.

Right.

So why not go the whole hog and have the headphones as well?

You could have them built into the glasses, right?

Yeah.

Could you go quarter hog?

Yeah.

Okay, that's alright.

Here's one.

I'm trying to find a really good one.

A-bom-bom-bom-bom.

That's Joe Filling, isn't it?

A-bom-bom-bom-bom.

I should have failed for him, but I just wanted to listen.

Got it now, I'm there now.

This is from Tom in Loughborough.

A-bom-bom-bom.

That's just a bit for free.

Hide Dr. Buckles and Mr. Cornballs.

When the film is on, the cinema should be engulfed in utter darkness.

The only light in the room should be from the projector.

A lot of multiplexes leave the lights on these days and I don't like having my film experience ruined when I accidentally look down and catch a glimpse of my stupid legs and knees.

that's true and you know that's one thing that's very different when you go abroad and uh when you're on the continent and in the states they they plunge you into total darkness they've got much hairier knees as well so they're less light reflective exactly and you can get up to all sorts of different things in the cinema it's true it's health it's health and safety mad britain

Absolutely darkness is illegal, right?

It's illegal to for it to be dark.

It's nice I like it to be so dark that you stumble around you break a few people's feet Yes like that press your hands into their faces and definitely and sometimes if you're unlucky enough to get sat right underneath The very one of the very bright lights there or an exit sign emergency exit sign sometimes they give out more light than the Sun Disgusting one more last one.

Yeah, this is from Dave and Mike.

This has taken two brains to concoct

Hi Adam and Jo, seats should be magnetised to stop people going to the toilet more than once, and to stop people leaving five minutes from the end.

Well, each seat should have a noise sensor, and if someone makes too much noise, an electric shock is delivered!

We like your thinking, Dave and Mike.

It's the kind of thing we like, I like.

It's a little bit woolly though, isn't it?

Well, flesh isn't magnetic.

Well, that's the thing.

So how would you actually... Unless you insert metal plates in people's butok in.

As they head to the cinema.

Yeah, make them eat like a lead snack.

That would be doable, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, no, I think insert them into the butons.

An iron snack.

There's no nerve endings there, are there?

Just an incision at the top of each buttock.

Wouldn't it be better to avoid slipping plates into people's bottoms?

Stitch it up.

Wouldn't it be better just to have little wee wee bags on the seats?

No, it wouldn't be I mean you you know bladder Capacity is related to height is it I read that the other day.

No you yes shorter people have smaller bladders.

Is that true?

Yeah, certainly applies to me Yeah, so maybe smaller people should go towards the back cut a little wee bag.

What's wrong with a wee bag?

What do you do with it after?

People in the cinema, because it's dark, people think they have carte blanche to drop things on the floor.

I mean, it would be bad if you got it confused with your Pepsi.

Yeah, they dropped it on the floor, then the other bloke gets up to go to the loo and steps on it and it bursts.

Well, you somehow build it into the seat.

Right.

Well, why not go the whole Bunwellian hog and just have lavvy seats?

Where's it with you and hogs?

I'm crazy about hogs.

They go all the way over all these hogs.

My favourite film is Wild Hogs.

We're going to come back and hear some more of your suggestions.

Keep them coming in.

64046 is the text number.

Adamandjo.6musicatpbc.co.uk is the email.

Here's a Mercury Prize nominated artist right now.

This is Speech2Bell with Spinnin.

That's the Mercury Prize nominated Speech2Bell with her single Spinnin.

And full coverage of the Mercury Prize Awards starts at 7pm on Tuesday night here on BBC6 Music with Guy Garvey and Elbow talking about winning the prize last year.

What kind of things do you think he might say, Adam?

When we won the prize, I was so pleased.

I did not expect the prize.

Then I got it, I got it, and I ate it.

It was nice.

Now, will I get another one?

And Steve Lomax live at the presentation talking to the nominees and bringing you the announcement of the winner live.

Steve Lomax.

He'll actually be hanging from the roof of the venue and he will be drinking the blood of many of the nominees that night.

The audience will be covered in Lomax droppings.

What are they called?

What are back droppings called?

Guano.

That's right, guano.

What are Lomax droppings called?

Guano bats, no.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, dear.

Now, listen, folks.

You're listening to Adam and Jo here on BBC CCC Music.

I've got a thing to talk to you about.

I know I was handing you over.

I was doing a lot of... Okay, go.

Sorry.

Do it, do it, do it.

Here's Jo.

Nice!

So what do you find, Adam Buxton?

Any adverts?

Do you find the music on any adverts on telly so annoying that you have to switch them off?

There used to be one ages ago, a few years back, for some kind of flu remedy that had screaming in the middle.

Yes, we talked about that on this show, I think.

Remember, it was really weird.

It was just someone going... Halfway through the song.

Here's my two least favourite bits of advert music.

The first one is... Can we play that one, Eliza's Dream?

Do you recognise this music?

Doesn't this drive you nuts?

It does.

Would you want this woman doing your banking?

No, everything about it makes me want to hurt the woman.

And then it's accompanied by sort of really teeth edgy kind of animation.

Somehow they've made the animation as sort of creepy as the music.

Well, they're going for the quirk factor, aren't they?

But they've got they've they've done over quirk and it's very annoying.

I've overquoked it.

OK, what about what about this?

Who is that by?

Do you know who that's by?

It's by some sort of proper composer.

It's a proper song that probably is quite meaningful and nice.

That's now been ruined.

Mm-hmm by the dirty admin by the dirty bank man, but here's another amazing song that's been ruined by the dirty admin Do you like it when this song starts?

Don't play the whole flipping thing.

I've cut it out before the sell.

Oh my goodness.

I've got me crunch.

Is that still for the same product, the yoghurt corner thing?

Yeah, the fruity yoghurt tray.

I mean, it's a nightmare, isn't it?

The original Nina Simone track is not what I'm going to play in a second.

Are you?

Yeah, I hadn't really heard the original.

Are you playing the one where she talks about her boobies?

No, it's a live version and it's actually only it's it's I think two songs from the musical hair stuck together her song but it's a proper moving emotional song about civil rights and about racial repression and when it bursts into that sort of joyful chorus at the end it's only after a lot of quite you know dark and meaningful stuff yes and I think it's being you know marginally trivialized

Yeah, but that's a great tradition of that people happening.

I heard the other day on, what was it?

On Moyles' show, in fact.

They were playing Perfect Day.

So here's Perfect Day by Lou Reed.

But it wasn't the original version.

It was that monstrous version they had a few years back with everyone taking one line.

What was that in aid of?

I can't remember.

It was just a BBC promotion.

It was just an ad for the BBC one.

Yeah, and they played the whole track.

I'm glad I spent it with you.

Remember that Leslie Garrett there?

And who's it?

Six Musics very own fun loving criminal.

Huey's on there as well.

I felt like someone else.

Someone good.

Yeah.

That's disgraceful.

All that stuff.

And that was, I mean, at the time it was bizarre that the BBC was using that song, which is about being a heroin addict, as a promotion for the whole big British castle.

It seemed bizarre.

Do you know Nina Simone's coming back?

Big comeback.

You see?

From the grave.

Yeah, because Al Pacino has resurrected her digitally and she's going to be called Nina Simone.

Nice.

That's a very obscure joke.

Anyway, look, I thought I'd play that record so you could hear what it's like properly.

And the same happens when you listen to this.

It's brilliant up until the fruity yogurt snack moment when you can't help but envisage middle-aged housewives doing cartwheels in fields.

But here it is.

This is from 1968.

This is Nina Simone with I Got Life.

Ian Brown with Stellify.

I didn't listen properly to that track, but what is to Stellify?

I don't, it's to make something stellar.

You know what?

I was reading Texanations as well.

I wasn't really paying attention either.

Both of us were not properly paying attention.

At least we're honest about it.

To the Ian Brown track there.

Sorry about that.

Can we just move on?

Do we have to define Stellify?

What if we just, listen, this is just a suggestion that we just ignore it and just carry on.

I see what you mean.

Okay, fair enough.

I'm gonna run with that.

Yeah.

Actually, I was thinking of rolling with it, but then I thought I'd run with it.

I don't roll with it.

No, I'm going to run with it.

Instead, here's a track that I tried to play last week as a free play, right, listeners?

But the CD got stuck.

And it's from an album by Wild Beasts.

They hail from Kendall, I believe.

And their album, Two Dancers, which has just come out, is really, really good.

Do you remember I described it as a widescreen sound?

Actually got that phrase from the PR notes.

that came with the album.

But actually it was one of the few times when those notes, which are usually pretty ludicrous, was actually right on the money.

It's a great album and I hope you enjoy this track, which is a weird combination of sounds.

His voice is very obviously like Billy Mackenzie from The Associates.

But then they've also got that kind of... Stellified.

Very bright, stellified guitar sound that you would associate with U2 or something.

I don't know.

It's a good mix though.

Hope you like this.

This is We Still Got The Taste Dancing On Our Tongues by Wild Beasts.

That's good stuff.

man.

Is that by the Lloyds back lady?

Could be, couldn't it?

It's good, I liked it.

That was Wild Beasts with We Still Got The Taste Dancing on our tongues from their album Two Dancers.

This is Adam and Jo here at BBC Six Music.

A great pleasure to be here with you this Saturday afternoon.

It's just a little time check for you.

It's just going up to 6 minutes past 11 here in London Town.

Beautiful sunny day outside.

Don't know what you got planned.