The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (29 August 2009)

Right now, they're back.

Adam and Jo.

Hello today from the big British castle.

Adam and Jo are back from their holidays.

Hooray, they've been away drinking booze.

One can go out to a movie looking for a special treat.

What kind of treat?

Like a revel or something?

Revels, Maltesers, possibly.

Probably minstrels.

Minstrels?

Because they don't make a mess in the hand.

That's right, they're the ultimate cinema treat.

Best movie snack.

Other treats are available, of course.

But is that the only reason one would go out to a movie?

Yeah.

Just looking for a special treat.

Yeah.

A lovely little surprise package.

And that's what that song's about.

That was Marvin Gaye there with It Takes Two.

Hey, this is Adam.

Hey, this is Joe.

Welcome to our radio show here on BBC Six Music.

We hope you've had a fantastic summer.

We've been away for how many weeks?

125.

It's not enough.

Eight weeks we were away, two months.

I want to be away more.

It doesn't seem like a very long time, does it?

It was quite nice, wasn't it?

It was pretty relaxing, wasn't it?

It was nice being able to sleep in on a Saturday.

Yeah.

Oh, sleepily.

I did a lot of Saturday things, went to festivals.

Did you?

Traveled around.

Did you?

Hung out with the Saturdays.

Yeah, it was amazing.

Uh, but now we're back and things are going to be very different, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's going to be totally we have spent the last eight weeks in meetings rebranding, retooling the show.

Here's how much money we spent on rebranding and retooling this show.

Twenty four hundred million pounds.

I mean, that seems like a lot, doesn't it?

But it's actually true.

And that's that's BBC money.

That's taxpayers money.

part of it's BBC money part of it was a slush fund some of it was national lottery that's right very very poor people desperate for some money betting their final quid on the lottery every week straight into our pockets a lot of it was focus groups donations Philip Scofield donated he did he hosted a telethon on Latvian television Fern Britton donated 25 pounds we auctioned her gastric band

We had a rebrand of fun.

It was like a big concert.

If you're a regular listener, it's going to be disorientating.

All the features, all the things you use to orientate yourself around this programme, they're going to be totally new.

What's the new name for the show?

The new name for the show is Boggins.

It's surprising, isn't it?

It's like, what?

£2,400,000 and you come up with Boggins.

It doesn't seem like a lot.

for all that money and all that time.

I swear, man, the focus groups are crazy about bogins.

You're gonna get used to it, though.

Kids are going mad about, have you got bogins?

Bogins was bogins!

It's just a word that sticks, you know?

It's sticky.

Yeah, it's a sticky word, and bogins is gonna take this show.

to new levels.

So you might be expecting at this point the Black Squadron jingle and a Black Squadron command.

That's not how it rolls.

Well, has it survived the focus group in Black Squadron?

And if so, in what form has it emerged?

We'll find out after another record.

But before the record, a little bit of housekeeping, we should say a very sincere thank you to Danny Wallace and Gromit.

who've been covering us while we're away.

Richard.

It was Danny and Richard, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Thank you so much to those guys.

They did a fantastic job and we really appreciate their sterling work filling in while we were away.

And thank you to all the listeners who visited our blog on the Six Music website that's been very healthy and active over the summer.

Lots of people left lots of lovely messages.

I will tell you how to look at that blog a bit later in the show and indeed how you can text us or email us at any point over the next two hours and 50 minutes.

You're listening to Boggins, and this is the very best.

That is the very best.

That's the name of the act, right?

And the track was called Warm Heart of Africa, which features Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig.

He's the lead singer, right?

Of Vampire Weekend.

And that's a very similar sounding thing to the actual Vampire Weekend band.

It seems like he's just taken the essence of Vampire Weekend.

He's taken that sort of township sound, hasn't he?

Right, and pushed it even further towards the township.

He's nicked it.

Are you allowed to do that?

If you're a component of a band, are you allowed to go off and make a solo record that sounds exactly like what your band put out?

I mean, that's the thing, isn't it?

He was presumably instrumental in, you know, bringing that sound.

What if he wasn't to Vampire Weekend?

What if he wasn't?

That would make it even worse.

That would be outrageous.

I think he wasn't.

He would get duffed in immediately by the rest of the... It was Runjan's idea.

Runjins?

Oh, is he the bassist?

What instrument does Runjins play in Vampire Weekend?

Runjins, he just dances, doesn't he?

He's the dancer.

He plays chains.

It's like the bears.

Exactly.

Ezra!

It's Runjins here!

Listen, man!

What's going on with that new band you've done?

I bought that sound to the band, not you!

And now you have stolen it!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

How could Runjins bring a sound to the band if he's just the chain dancer?

That's the thing!

You seem to think that just because I'm the chair dancer I didn't bring a sound.

Wrong!

I brought that sound and now you've taken it.

He brought in that Paul Simon album, Graceland.

That's right.

Don't you remember?

I brought it in.

You said it was great.

You said we could base the whole sound as a band on it.

Me, my idea.

Now you have got it taken it.

This is weird, because I'm not even sure.

I think I might have made up Runjins.

No, you didn't.

And yet you seem to really know him really well.

Yeah, I do.

I really bang on impression of him.

Everyone knows Runjins.

I don't know.

I think I just made it up.

You never did.

Didn't you see the Runjins documentary on BBC Four?

Runjins.

It's called Runjins.

It's called Runjins and the township sound.

Yeah.

Lucky we know so much about music, otherwise we wouldn't be able to talk for so long about the records we play.

That's true, isn't it?

Hey, listen, I've done... Did you get into any new music over the holidays?

You know what I did?

I had a bit of a Most Def.

Is that how you say his name?

Yeah, Most Def.

I had a bit of a Most Def thing going on.

You used to say Moss Def like there was moss growing on it.

Yeah, I like to say Moss Def every now and then.

Do you know what I've enjoyed saying a lot?

Right.

I've enjoyed pronouncing the name of Jim Cameron's forthcoming movie, Avatar.

Avatar?

Yeah, I'm just seeing if anyone says anything.

Hey, did you see the Avatar preview footage?

Yeah.

It's a good test of whether, of someone's character, whether they go, what-a-tar?

Or, why did you say it like that?

Yeah.

Or they go, no, I haven't seen it yet.

The Americans don't say Avatar though, do they?

I don't think anyone does, apart from me.

Apart from Joe Cornbread.

Avatar.

So what music did you get into?

You got into Most Deaf.

Yeah, his new album, The Ecstatic, is terribly good.

Oh, is it really?

And it got me listening to his old albums.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be playing something from it later in the programme.

I got into Wild Beasts.

Now, I already liked Wild Beasts before because of their single brave bulging buoyant clairvoyance that we played a few times on this show.

They're from Kendall, and they have a sort of histrionic singing style, at least the lead singer does, that reminds you of Billy McKenzie from The Associates, right?

And their new album, Two Dancers, is really good.

And it's got a kind of a widescreen production sound.

And it reminds me a lot of things that you and I, Joe Cornish, enjoyed in the early 80s.

What do you mean a widescreen production sound?

Well, it's just beautifully produced.

It's stuff is panned further to the left and right than usually.

Then it seems possible.

Yeah.

It just seems... Did you do that sort of an audio aspect ratio?

You should do, shouldn't you?

Well, this one would be an extremely wide... Give me an extremely wide aspect ratio.

Oh, gosh.

Well, CinemaScope, you know how the West was one.

That was very wide.

That took three projectors.

It was so wide.

Uh-huh.

Well, this is exactly what this sounds like.

See what you make of this?

This is called, uh, we've still got the taste dancing on our tongues and it's about basically going out on a Saturday night and snogging people and saying, what's so wrong with that?

What is wrong with that?

What's so wrong with the snog?

Hope you enjoyed this, it's wild beasts.

Oh dear.

That's an inauspicious moment.

CD crash there.

Sorry about that, listeners.

That's a shame as I was really enjoying that one.

That's disastrous.

That was your free play then.

wasn't it that's my free play and I was just thinking this is the best song I've ever heard in my life like right the way through the summer I was enjoying that when I was so excited to unleash it on on listeners who hadn't heard it before so the finger of responsibility pointing squarely into your face the finger of fudge you burnt that one off did you today this morning yeah I did problems in the office before the show I believe it wouldn't rip wouldn't rip now it's just stopped in the late directly from the CD and that bodes badly for the rest of my stuff as well I got had a song

of your life for the rest of my life the finger of fudge I can't believe it fickle finger of fudge listen we're gonna play a trail and try and get to the bottom of this problem you're listening to boggins here on BBC six music I was Joan as a policewoman with holiday this is Adam and Joe on BBC six music on a Saturday morning thanks for listening you said a policewoman it's just a policewoman

Only an amateur would say a policewoman.

Well, that's me.

Joan is good policewoman.

Really?

Joan has policewoman, that's what it means when you drop the little A. Yeah, she's good policewoman.

So listen, Black Squadron was an idea that was formulated during the show before we went off for the summer.

It's a squadron of elite listeners who listen live in this first half hour, right?

Yeah, between 9 and 9.30.

Only when you listen live, and not to the podcast, can you be a true member of Black Squadron.

And, you know, when the... We can't really call it a series, can we?

Would that be pretentious?

You know, before the summer?

When the previous run ended.

They were a sort of super tightly knit squad of individuals, amazingly responsive.

You know when you get very, very trained as a soldier, you know you can be over-trained.

I do know that, yeah.

You see it in full metal jacket with private pile, is he called?

What's he called?

He is called Private Pilot.

The guy that shoots himself.

That's the one.

Now that's an over-trained soldier.

Too excited.

Exactly.

And Black Squadron were getting close to that before the end of the run.

They were, yeah.

They didn't actually shoot themselves.

Some of them went mad.

Apparently over the summer, some of them have gone mad.

It's like Apocalypse Now, they've gone up the Yanksy.

The Yahtzee.

Is that a game or a river?

It's both.

Do you shout, Yahtzee!

That's what they're doing there.

They're going down the river and there's just a group of people in a dimly lit hut playing Yahtzee.

With their pockets overstuffed with toast.

Shooting each other.

I've seen a couple of people who I know are Black Squadron members wandering around Camden.

Yeah.

With their pockets massively bulging with toast.

An eagle down their fronts.

Yeah.

Just wandering around, rifling through bins, hiding, weeing in corners, sleeping next to the canal.

Some of them nude.

I think those are crazy.

Black Squadron members, because they've been bereft of commands, is my point.

A military soldier is only as good as his commands when you stop instructing him or her.

go pottygots.

But they had designed amazing Black Squadron t-shirts for themselves, which they were wearing.

Well, that was someone on our blog, I think, designed some beautiful Black Squadron t-shirts with an alarm clock and everything.

And yeah, Tim Simpson has sent a picture of himself and his girlfriend who is unnamed.

Tim's girlfriend.

No, Jen.

She's called Jen.

Could be his wife, I don't know.

And they look like a couple of Black Squadron members who've held it together.

Yeah.

Can we play the jingle without?

I mean, that'll give them a... That'll be sort of the first echo of reason.

Although it's nearly time for Black Squadron to stand down.

Well, can we stand them up and stand them down immediately?

Can we play both jingles hard on each other's heels?

Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show.

Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing.

That's not the one.

Black Squadron wrong.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour Got to be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the Squatters' power The next Squatters!

The next Squatters!

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bun

So there you go.

All you had to do there if you were in Black Squadron was actually stand up and sit down.

Just to get you back in the swing of things, to remind you that you are a Black Squadron member, just to check who is still responding to commands in the squadron, who is still functioning mentally.

The good news is that there is still a place for Black Squadron within boggins.

in the Boggins Institute.

What it is.

We're not sure yet of it.

Here's LaRue right now.

This is Quicksand.

People come, people go, times change, but LaRue is still in the Quicksand.

This is Boggins here on BBC Six Music.

Thanks very much for joining us.

Great to be back.

It's time for the news.

That's an exciting new band.

They're called the Pet Shop Boys.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Is it?

I don't know.

That's, that's Neil from the Pet Shop Boys.

He's actually in the studio with us.

Hi, Neil.

Would you like a sausage?

I've brought a- Don't touch my sausage.

I used to be able to do that.

It's gone away.

My ability to do a male tenant impression.

It was nicked by Flight of the Concordes.

Damn them!

Damn them.

They swooshed in and nabbed it.

You know what they didn't nick though?

Is our ability to be David Bowden.

That was a wuzzy wuzzy wuzzy wuzzy wuzzy wuzzy had no hair.

I've seen some fairies.

They're in the garden.

A-wiz-a-wiz-a-wiz.

Listen one through a lolly bobbit stack into my eye.

Listeners, we said earlier that we'd focus grouped the entire show, renamed it Boggins, and changed every single element of the show.

Well, we sort of have done that.

I mean, that's in no way a lie, any sort of a lie, is it?

Well, no.

That would be not safeguarding trust.

But a couple of things that came out from the focus groups.

uh is were that there are some elements of the show that cannot be changed no that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water and one of those is the nation's favorite feature that's true isn't the nation's favorite feature was affected in any way it might undermine the morale of the nation however we have changed the nation's favorite features jingle

You won't actually be able to hear the change, but it has been reconstructed by musicians to sound better to pets.

To sound better to pets.

It's got a hidden frequency that pets are gonna dig.

So get your pets ears around this.

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

What if I'm using email?

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Down boy.

Easy boy.

We've got the Adam and Jo dog, who's actually called Boggins.

Easy Boggins.

There we go, Boggins.

He is the original dog from That's Life, still alive and kicking.

That is a good jingle.

He's just become more articulate.

That is a good jingle.

You can say more than sausages.

If you listen very carefully, listeners, you might be able to hear him saying, that is a good jingle.

Sausage.

That is a good jiggle.

There we go.

You can just hear the words, I mean.

It's how I'm gonna go.

He's obviously not really saying that.

It's a coincidence.

A small rat.

Dog's jaw couldn't possibly form words.

I'm gonna nibble on your leg, is that okay?

That sounded a bit like I'm gonna nibble on your leg.

Amazing.

I'm gonna do a poo in the corner, is that okay?

Steady on boggins.

So there we go, we can see there quite clearly the effect.

I don't, I don't want.

Jesus.

But the new jingle has on our boggins.

I'm gonna lick your face, is that okay?

I have to get a little plastic bag.

I'm gonna lick it, lick it, lick it.

Ben, do you got a plastic bag?

I'm gonna lick your face, is that okay?

I'm gonna lick, I'm gonna bite the back of your legs, is that okay?

Not badly, no, just nibbling.

I'm gonna bite the back of your legs, is that okay?

listen let's go to uh let's go to the we got to go to the jingle now we get plugins out of it we had the jingle we had the jingle that's what set him off get boggins out go on there we go charlotte's taking charlotte's taking boggins out he's nipping the back of her legs so we might have to withdraw that jingle because the effect it has on animals is too powerful

potent.

That's the first time we've tried it out, and it's incredible.

So for the nation's favorite feature this week, listeners, we are talking about, right, holidays, right?

We just come back from holiday.

This is kind of a holiday themed show in some ways.

And specifically, I want to talk about ailments, holiday ailments, right?

Because as soon as you go away, I mean, I find this happens to me a lot, you're in, you know, the routine is changed, you're in different surroundings, and things can go wrong very easily with your body parts.

Do you find that, Joe?

Or are you always in tip-top health on holiday?

I'm usually in decent health on holiday.

This is a particularly buckstonic problem.

You reckon?

Not only do I reckon, I know it.

Why?

Because I've known you since you were 13 and I've been on holiday with you regularly for about 15 years and almost every time you got ill or had a tantrum.

Well, that's not... What was the tantrum about?

You nearly punched me.

There was only one, actually.

When was that?

Was that on holiday?

Yeah, when we were driving around the south of France.

But anyway, let's stick to tantrums.

That's another... That's true.

Well, no, I nearly punched you and Mark, though, to be fair.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you weren't entertaining my idea of that.

But I think it's true to say that everyone usually has some sort of incident on holidays.

Something happened.

I've opened up a can of old... I can't believe you're being so unsupportive about where we should stay that night, you and Mark.

Anyway, so yes, it's true that I used to get ill and it still happens every now and again.

One thing that happens to me a lot on holidays, I get ear problems, right?

And this is something I think that happens to a lot of people, especially when they go swimming and they're not used to swimming and stuff.

Someone I met the other day said, before I go on holiday anywhere hot, if I'm going to be swimming, I get my ears syringed by the doctor.

And you've got to be pretty organised to arrange a special syringing trip before you on holiday.

I would say that's a bad idea.

Why?

Because you take away the protective gunk from inside your ear and make it more sensitive to infection.

After the syringing.

Really?

They can be quite raw and exposed.

Not if you get a proper medical syringing.

That's a layman's point of view.

Who is, that's a lame man's point of view, certainly.

But if you go to a doctor, good one, you're reeling from that, aren't you?

You should see Joe right now.

Luckily I'm 40.

He's got his arms folded.

So that kind of thing doesn't have too much effect anymore.

But if I was 14, I'd be in a pool of blood on the floor.

Luckily, no, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

self-esteem utterly unaffected that's a lame true that's a lame man's point of view that's typical of something a lame man would say anyway so uh where was i oh yes no i think if you got a doctor to syringe your ears it would be good who do you think i do get to syringe my ears a backstreet syringer

This is what it sounds like because the backstreet syringes take away all the protective gunk.

A doctor wouldn't.

So anyway, this time I found myself thinking I wish I had got my ears syringed because it turned out I had to get them syringed out in France while I was on holiday in the end because I dived into the pool the first day and all the water immediately just stuck in my ears, right?

Couldn't get it out in my right ear and I was banging my head and trying to get all the water at nothing.

It just stayed in there.

I got gradually defer and defer in that ear over the next two days, and then it started to become painful as well.

I thought, oh, this is a drag.

So I went to the French doctor.

Why are you grinning?

Why are you grinning like that?

Because I can imagine those two.

I'm just thinking of those two days as you get defer and defer.

Why?

What would I be doing?

I'm just imagining the kind of thing you were saying.

What?

Sorry, I didn't hear you.

Could you speak up?

Yes, yes.

What would I be saying?

What would you imagine?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Could you speak up?

Yeah, exactly.

Why is that?

I'm just happy.

I'm excited.

Okay, so I went to the French doctor and he my wife came along with me and She she watched as he took a look in my ear He's very upbeat and he immediately went all la la as he looked in my ear which is French for you've got a lot of gunk in there and So he explained in French that I I did have a blockage and blockage and look at look at look at and

He was going to have to come out, and basically what had happened was that there was a certain amount of earwax.

The water from the pool had got in there behind the earwax, built up, couldn't get out again, went bad like a stagnant little pool inside my ear.

So he said, I'm going to have to use le syringe.

So he gets in there with the syringe, right?

Isn't it a lovely sensation?

It's pretty amazing.

It feels very peculiar, very invasive indeed, but not painful.

So he blasts my ear with warm water.

And my wife watched, and he held like a little cuck underneath, and this gunk came out, and my wife said, whoa, that was satisfying, because this big lump of discolored gunk flopped out.

And suddenly I could hear again, it was amazing.

But then there was another little bit caught in there, so he went in with the tweezers, and that was really painful.

I think maybe he pulled out part of my eardrum.

The brain.

Part of the brain.

I think the brain's popped up.

I'm not sure there was any left to pull out.

No, there was a little bit that was interested in pornography, and that bit came out.

That bit's definitely still in there.

So yeah, it was a very peculiar sensation, but it cleared up my ears.

It was fantastic.

That is the very... Listen, that's the end.

of what, of everyone?

Of that part of my holiday ailments anecdote.

I mean I've got a whole page full, right?

So should we sort of get round to the nub of the thing we're asking the listeners?

Yeah, what is it?

I mean I'm not saying that in a loaded way, I'm just thinking it might give the listeners something to orient, I don't know, you're in charge?

Well, you shouldn't introduce nubs then, if I'm charged.

Is the nub to ask people what their disastrous holiday illnesses have been?

Yeah, I mean, that was just a very roundabout anecdote to get you in there.

It took longer to say the anecdote than I expected.

You know, I had a similar... Do you remember when I had shingles?

That was largely provoked by earwax build-up.

Was I an earplug wearer?

So every day for the last 15 years I've shoved my every night I shoved the earwax deeper in there Oh the plugs and do you wash your plugs every day?

No fresh ones new ones I've got a big supply, but I had exactly the same thing an amazingly satisfying raise of the lost dark style boulder

Yeah.

Popped out of my ear canal.

That's right.

And it was amazing.

I could hear in stereo for the first time and it was like, I'd sort of, it was like comparing a sort of mid 80s Walkman to a surround sound system suddenly.

Yeah.

Super high frequencies, low end.

So listen, the text number is 64046 if you'd like to text us with your holiday ailments.

That's what it is, is it?

Yeah.

I've got some more holiday ailments for you later on listeners, but basically, yeah, that kind of thing.

The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

That's all lowercase and the number six in six music.

Here's some music for you right now.

This is Noah and the Whale with Blue Skies.

Noah's Noah and the Whale with Blue Skies and they played live in the Hub on George Lamb's show yesterday and you can listen again via the iPlayer.

There you go.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Very glad to be back with you listeners.

We really missed you guys.

We've had a lovely summer though.

We hope you have too.

It's not over yet.

Sometimes the best weeks of the summer are tagged on the end.

It's not really over till Big Brother ends.

Yeah.

And hallelujah, it's ending forever.

And then X Factor begins and takes you through to a flipping Christmas.

You know, I've dealt with this in a little song I composed.

Have you?

Yeah, about coming back from holiday.

I was under the misapprehension that we were both doing a Song Wars song this week, right?

Our producer James emailed us during the holidays and said, I think we should do Song Wars for when we get back.

And there was bad communication, really, but Joe wasn't aware that that was happening.

Well, I've written some music, but I thought we were going to decide on the theme today.

Right.

So I've written some sort of, I've started, but I didn't do the lyrics yet, because I thought we were picking a theme today.

But we might get into that a bit later in the show, because we might ask you listeners to suggest some themes.

Oh, no, but then that you finished your song.

Well, I'm going to play my finished effort just after 10 o'clock, I think.

You know, I'll just throw it out there.

I mean, it's not brilliant because it was finished last night at about midnight.

We can kind of guess whether I would have won.

And if we think I would have won, then we should award me the win, even though I've done nothing.

It is vocally influenced by the wild beasts who I tried to play as a free play earlier in the show, but the CD stopped.

Maybe I could play that next week, James.

Can we stick it in there as an extra thing?

That would be great, because I do love the song so much.

But you've got something for us now, right?

I've got a free play.

Yeah, this is a bit of music from Charlie Brown.

And all the Charlie Brown music was, of course, composed by Vince Garaldi.

It was a sort of 70s Frisco

ear area beatnik hipster man hipster man most famous for composing all the charlie brand music this is called little birdie and this is uh

It's not a song that Snoopy sings, but it's a song that's sung while Snoopy, from Snoopy's point of view, about his little birdie, Woodstock.

Is this Giraldi singing?

Yeah, I think so.

I'm pretty sure.

So this is a song by Snoopy to Woodstock.

It's called Little Birdie.

Thomas Dolby with Europa and the Pirate Twins.

That's from the album The Golden Age of the Wireless.

Golden Age of Wireless.

I'm always putting the extra words in.

Don't need the definite article there.

That is a Wickles album.

It's absolutely Whitwoks.

Yeah, if you like the sound of that.

Did you buy the reissues?

I haven't, no.

Has it got extra bits and bobs?

Extra bits.

I mean, we've got all the bits and bobs.

Right.

Actually, there's a couple of live versions and demo versions and things which are worth hearing as well.

But if you're a young person and you enjoyed the sound of that, then it's a back catalogue well worth exploring, Mr Dolby.

Mmm, it's great.

And it sounds brilliant.

The reissues sound lovely and pristine.

Mmm.

And... does he say... what does he say?

Ta... toward his hair?

Ta-repub-ly.

Well, I've always thought he said towering glory or something.

I think he says ta-repub-lyk.

Ta-repub-lyk, that's just the kind of thing you could say.

Ta-repub-lyk.

I think something like that.

Because it's European.

Someone will tell us, probably.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.

Welcome along.

We're here till noon.

And we've got a text the nation going on.

It's a complicated feature, if you're a new listener.

Yeah, how does it work?

Well...

It's kind of like this.

We give you a topic and you text things in on it about it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

A topic?

You give me like a bar of... A topic.

A topic.

Yeah.

It's got a hazelnut in every bite.

Yes.

That's what you're saying, right?

And then, and then, yeah, then you, the listener, text... The topic.

uh the number 64046 and maybe that's the price of the topic they suck the chocolate off the nuts and then they send us the nuts 6404 maybe they have to send in 64 000 nuts 46 nuts is that how it works and then what do we do we eat the nuts i don't know

Adam, just reading this.

It sounds ridiculous.

You can't expect people like me to have the so many skills that not only can I read, but I actually know what it is that I'm reading.

Why did the focus group suggest we retain a feature like that in boggins?

Rubbish.

I mean, that is a rubbish feature.

The kids demand it.

So the topic this week specifically deals with holiday ailments, things that have happened to you and gone wrong on holiday.

You know, I was talking about my ear being syringed there before.

Another thing that tends to happen on holiday is teeth problems, right?

And someone was telling me that this happens a lot of the time, because you go on the plane, and the high pressure sets off existing little niggles in your teeth.

And then, so if you've already got a bit of oncoming badness in your toothal area,

Then the plane flight can actually expedite the whole situation.

So a couple of days into your holiday.

So to put the pool is a no-go area for you.

Yeah.

And also the plane and the plane.

And it's the, yeah.

While the plane is an absolute disaster area anyway, because it's a big germ palace, right?

Everyone knows that.

Yeah.

My wife was telling me that if you put, you have to put Vaseline, she handed me this little pot of Vaseline.

Yeah.

I like the way you're, you're reinforced in your life by people who reinforce these things.

You seem to be surrounded by people who reinforce these.

Well, check this out.

for reinforcement, right?

As soon as we took off this right, and this has never happened before, she handed me this little pot of Vaseline and said, there you go, there's the Vaseline, do you want to put some just in your nostrils?

I said, what?

And she said, oh, it stops germs getting in, don't you know?

I was like, no, since when do you know that as well?

She said, oh, my mum told me.

I was like, your mum's read it in some mag, hasn't she?

And now we have to put Vaseline up our nostrils.

to stop the germs getting in.

I'm not doing that.

She said, why not?

She didn't read it in some mag.

It's true.

Everyone knows it.

Everyone knows that.

It stops the germs getting in.

Well, I'm doing it and I'm not going to get ill.

You're not doing it.

You are going to get ill.

So enjoy your illness on holiday.

I lubricate everything with first leave before I leave the house.

I lubricate my thighs because they chaff my nipples in case they rub on my t-shirt, my underarms in case they chaff.

It's just like oiling a bike.

You just vaseline your body.

And in case anyone wants access to any of your holes while you're out.

Instant access.

You're sliding around in your clothes.

And it prevents germs.

Sure it does.

So you do a bit of vaseline.

The germs can't cling on to the sides.

They slide on.

All these orifices are covered in vaseline we cannot enter.

Of course, the winged germs, you don't prevent the ones that fly up the middle without touching the side.

You actually need a tiny bit of gauze on the bottom of the nostrils.

I saw some people walking through Mallorca Airport, and I don't know whether anybody else saw this in an airport, with full face masks.

Oh, that's swine flu though, isn't it?

Because they've got it.

They've got it and they don't want to give it to anybody else.

No, they're worried about getting it.

Because they're frightened of it.

Because I thought, when I first saw them, I thought, if you're worried about swine flu, you are idiots.

I thought in my head, look, the mum and the dad and the kids all had these massive industrial face masks.

I thought, you paranoid nut jobs.

But then I thought, oh, maybe they've got it and they just don't want to give it to anybody else.

Could be, could go either way.

The pandemic, I mean, that's one thing that seems to have changed since we've got back is that the threat level on the pandemic seems to have slightly gone down.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm not sure there was a huge threat level in the first place.

Honestly, a few weeks ago when I left, it looked as if we had weeks left to live.

out some listeners ones.

Here we go.

Here's one from Graham Tolbert.

He says, When I was 14 years old I went on holiday to Portugal with my parents.

I was very excited to be going to a hot European country.

Until then we'd always holidayed in England and even at the tender age of 14 I knew that those holidays had mixed results.

Anyway, when we got off the plane in Portugal I stepped onto the steps down to the tarmac and as I looked up into the bright sunshine I lost my footing, I fell down the steps, I broke my wrist and my jaw.

I now have a Portuguese screw in my face.

Good thing this is part of your face.

I've got a Portuguese screw in my face.

What's your name?

Dear Adam and Jo, I suffered a similar holiday ailment to Adam last year whilst holidaying in France I was happily playing in the surf at Bearets, feeling fairly envious of the beach hunks and babes riding waves, but making the most of it when I turned my head directly into the path of a hefty wave.

It smacked me upside the head, knocked my contact lenses out and perforated my eardrums.

I had to wander up and down the beach blind and deaf calling out for my parents.

I'm 27 Perforated his eardrum.

What kind of wave smack did he get?

These are what these are public We're doing a public service here as we should in the British castle cuz cuz things can go wrong so far I mean waves are deadly on many levels.

You can get easily tossed and smacked on You know coral and stuff like that.

I've had that injury in

A number of times.

That's what happens to Tom Hanks in Castaway.

James Matthew George Melling.

Is that his name?

James Matthew George Melling says, When I was on holiday and Malta as a child, my father sat on an old-fashioned wooden folding deck chair.

It collapsed in the old-fashioned slapstick way, but it chopped off his finger.

Not many people have lost a finger to a deck chair.

I would say that a few have actually.

And not only when you're abroad do you have the terror of the agony, but then it's the mental anguish of how are you going to handle this?

Do you have insurance?

Where's the doctor?

How are you going to get there?

How are you going to explain what happened?

It's a nightmare.

Well, the thing that happened to me, right, I started off talking about teeth problems, right?

I was in Greece and I got terrible toothache the second day into my holiday.

I was only out there for like four days or something.

And I was having the best of the first day out there.

best day of my life.

I remember thinking to myself, this has been the best day of my life.

Where was this?

Say it again.

Out in Corfu.

Oh, Corfu.

And then the second day, toothache starts in the morning, and it's that thing that sort of comes on from one minute to the next.

You think, oh, there's a little tooth niggle there.

And then by the afternoon, it was agony.

Had to go into town, right?

And the only doctor there, I kid you not, when I approached the surgery, was standing on a balcony

with a ciggy in one hand and a syringe in the other.

So I go in to see this guy.

It's probably some smack in the syringe.

I don't know, I could have done with it after a while, I tell you.

I go in there, I'm really in pain and I'm really nervous now.

And this guy, who was like a classic caricature of a dodgy doctor, with his ciggies poking out of his top pocket, unshaven, with a syringe there,

I'm sure he was a perfectly good doctor, but I was still terrified.

He takes one look at my mouth, and then the only phrase I could understand was, root canal.

So he was going to perform root canal on my tooth, which just felt like a normal toothache.

I was in so much pain that I was in, and I didn't have any Greek, you know, skills, so I was in no position to argue.

But I had a massive whitey, yeah?

All my blood pressure just went AWOL.

And I was just about to pass out, and I just said, I'm passing out, just as he was about to inject me.

And so he went, oh, never passing.

OK, what was that?

And he sort of pushed my legs up onto my chest.

Do you know what I mean?

Like he bent my legs back and pushed them onto my chest.

That supposedly gets you over your whitey.

And then he proceeded to give me root canal.

And so it took me the rest of the holiday to get over the pain from that.

When I got back to England.

Unnecessary root canal.

And saw my dentist.

Totally unnecessary.

My dentist said, who the hell did this?

They butchered you.

Guess how much it cost to fix what the guy did.

two thousand pounds yeah well to fix that it was unbelievably what are you saying yeah well like i deserve it because because he spotted you coming a mile off

Oh, I love root canal.

Here we go.

Panasonic projector coming this way.

He didn't charge me too grand.

The guy in England did.

Oh, did he?

To fix it.

Yeah, to fix it.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Anyway, we'd like to, yeah, send your ailments, 64046.

The more brutal

and shocking and sudden and surprising and ruinous the better.

Yeah.

Because that's the effect they have on when you're on holiday, right?

Absolutely.

All your pent-up expectation of the most wonderful time of the year, then suddenly slam!

Disaster.

Two gold teeth I've got to show for it now.

Check it out.

Here is Little Boots.

This is new in town.

What do you think she's gonna do?

She's gonna take you out, but she hasn't got any money.

But nevertheless, she's gonna show you a good time.

She's just going to do some charades and stuff.

Is she?

Yeah.

Fun for free.

And some funny voices.

Right.

Just in the streets.

Yeah, she's a mime artist.

Yeah.

That's what she does.

She's gonna take you to Covent Garden.

You're gonna get to watch her painted lady routine.

That sounds good.

So, listen, folks, I am going to be at the Reading Festival tomorrow.

So, if by any chance you're listening to this right now and you haven't yet gone to Reading or you're on your way, then come and hang out, yeah?

I'm doing a show at 10 to 3 on the alternative stage, doing this thing called Bug where I introduce music videos and stuff like that.

It would be lovely to see you there.

You know, let's shake it about.

And I'm very excited as well because in the evening Radiohead are going to be playing, of course.

And I think the Hot Rats are going to be there.

That's Gaz and Danny from Supergrass.

They're friends of the show, I think I can say, right?

And I actually got hold of a copy of their, I think, maybe unmastered album, which is coming out towards the end of the year.

As the Hot Rats, they're playing, they play like loads of covers of their favorite songs on there.

I think it's called Turn-Ons.

And here is a track from that album.

And they said it was okay to play this in advance.

And it's their cover of Big Sky by the Kinks.

This is Hot Rats.

Uh, it's a tunnel of, uh, disaster.

Well, what are you talking about?

In that song.

Oh, yeah, marriage.

Yeah, it's a heavily, I- I- Ironicized.

Ironicized.

It's a searing indictment of the institution of marriage.

Love.

22 catches when you struck your matches and threw away your life.

That's a good one to play at the wedding Yeah, so hi.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music great to be back listeners We've missed you very badly, but we had a nice holiday, right?

I mean you had a good break Joe Yeah, I had a very good break.

Did you manage to get away at all?

I did I went away for eight days Mm-hmm on the eighth day.

What did you do of holidays?

My true love gave to me

Wasn't there a Hazel O'Connor song called The Eighth Day?

There was one where she counted through the days, yeah.

Oh, man.

I used to have that on seven-inch.

That's the one I was thinking of.

Anyway, I managed to go away to France.

I had a lovely time on the plane when, after we'd stuck Vaseline up our noses to stop the germs getting in there, a baby started crying.

And we were on a popular budget airline, a no-frills airline, where they rip you off for absolutely every single thing they can.

Was it bright orange?

No, it was not the bright orange one.

It rhymed with Brian Eyre.

But I can't tell you which one it was.

The green one.

And it's one of those things.

There's a lot of families on those planes, you know, because if you travel with your family, you want to save money, obviously.

So you go for the cheapest option possible of the time.

but it does result in a huge amount of screamosity on the actual plane when you get on there from the young children.

There's nothing you can do about this.

There should be an understanding amongst other passengers who don't have children that it's just one of those things that happen, but you can't stop yourself as a passenger yourself if you're not with children hating the parents of the screamy little children.

I've got children myself.

I've got two

young boys and I've got a baby daughter, right?

She actually behaved pretty well on the flight out.

On the way back she was pretty screamy.

But that didn't stop me being annoyed by other people's children when they cried.

Check out a tiny clip of the baby we got going out, right?

We want to talk to the staff to ensure that your seatbelt is nearly balanced, your tray table needs to apply to the top position, or by my staff, comment down below

She was just warming up as well.

Oh my God.

That was when we're still on the tarmac and the guys giving the announcements.

And that's when most of the children really get going with the screaming because they're annoyed and they don't understand why they've been on the tarmac for like 20 minutes while you get going.

And anyway, there you go.

That was one of the fun things about my holiday was the screaming.

But as I said earlier in the show, I misunderstood.

I thought we had to do song wars songs about our time on holiday, specifically getting back from holiday.

In the end, we didn't both do them.

But I did.

I did a song about getting back from holiday.

And as we don't have a song wars battle for you this week, I'm just going to play it anyway.

And you can speculate as to whether it would have been trounced or not.

We could.

Listen, I'm really happy to make mine about coming back from holiday if you want to hold on to your song for next week.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, you are you're making extra work for yourself.

I know I am.

Right, because now you're gonna have to do a whole new one for next week.

And I really killed myself this week getting it done as well.

I mean, are we gonna do another one for next week, really?

Is that what we're saying?

No, let's do one for two weeks.

For two weeks?

Yeah, for tweaks.

Right, okay.

How about that?

Well, that's very noble of you.

Yeah.

So you're just sort of casting this song into the void.

Yes, exactly.

But in a way, you've won.

Well, because there's no competition.

It might be the only time that one song is defeated.

Just by silence.

Yeah.

Because check out some of the singing I do on this one, right?

I take it to a whole new level.

This is a song about coming back from holiday called Coming Back From Holiday Blues.

I'm on my summer holidays in France.

Eat food, drink booze, I don't wear shoes, And various seldom pass.

But in three days I have to travel home.

And watch my tan just fade away Meet English skies of flinty grey I've got the coming back from holiday Blues from my sun hat down to my flip-flop shoes There's still three days of my holiday left But the thought of going home is making me depressed Each sunset now is flecked with tears And the tears are dripping into my beers And the beers are running out And so are the days till I have to go back to my ordinary ways

Can't you leave me here Drinking cans of friendship here Lying in the summer sun Having semi-nudy fun Why can't the bad times just be never And the good times last forever

And now I'm home and I'm opening the horrible mail And I haven't paid the bills and I'm going to jail And the news that I missed is making me sad And there's something in the fridge that smells very bad How to wait another year, till I'm drinking French beer Lying in the summer sun, having some beauty fun 50 weeks of work is what we have to give for two of pleasure

Yeah.

That was, it was very moving, some of the falsetto singing.

I was really pushing myself.

Yeah, well you got there.

Yeah.

You landed right where you wanted to land.

I think I might have pushed myself into some kind of hole.

That was good, that was very touching.

Thank you.

I mean, do you get that though?

You start getting depressed about going home and you're only in the middle of the holiday?

You know what?

I was really excited about coming home.

Oh were you?

Yeah.

I just love being in my house.

That's the same as my son's.

Is it?

Yeah, about halfway through they're like, when are we going home, Daddy?

Yeah, I'd say something about me then.

I really wanted my toys.

Yeah, they really did.

I've missed my toys so badly.

They say, why do you want to go home?

It's nice out here.

It's lovely and sunny.

You've got a pool and everything.

They're like, oh, I just want my toys and my teddies and stuff.

Exactly.

The teddies, exactly.

It was particularly the teddies I wanted.

I saw you jotting down a couple of notes during that.

I wasn't.

I was drawing a matchbox.

I shaded in the end and I've sort of suggested some matches in there.

We've got a bit of music for you just before the news.

This is the KLF with Justified and Ancient.

A song from the past there to remind you what you've missed.

That was the KLF featuring Tammy Wynette, I think, wasn't it?

Justified an ancient.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone, 10.30.

It's time for the news.

What was that?

It was Sam and Dave with Soul Sister Brown Sugar.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Hello listeners.

We're very happy to be back after our summer holiday and we're here with you until noon today.

Some of you might know that the show has been rebranded boggins.

So that's how it will be described in the future if you hear that word.

Don't be confused.

It's the new name.

And we've got a logo as well.

It's a pan-European name, right, because the show was already called Boggins in Portugal, Luxembourg and Belgium.

So it just saves us money in terms of printing the packaging and the promotional material to unify the branding across Europe.

Exactly.

Hence, we're now using Boggins in the UK as well.

And there's the two dots above the O, isn't there?

Biggins.

Well, they've come off for Britain, but yeah, they will stay there.

So if you go on holiday and hear the show, it'll have an umlaut.

Is that an umlaut?

The two dots.

Well, maybe the umlaut's the curvy line.

Umlaut, yeah, no, two dots are the umlaut.

Yeah, it's an umlaut.

My brother can tell you what the name in typing terms is of every single one of those things, right?

Like a dot, dot, dot has a special name for it that isn't just dot, dot, dot.

Do you know that at all?

No.

And he can tell you what like a straight, like a longer dash and a shorter dash is called.

Longer dash is a dash.

It's amazing though.

He like unveiled all this knowledge on holiday.

Did he?

And it's not a dash.

Are you sure?

David, if you're listening, will you text me all the names of those things that you know?

Well, we don't want him just to text and we want to quiz him.

Really?

David, if you're listening, come on the phone and we want to quiz you.

All right then.

Yeah.

That would really test his knowledge.

That would be fun.

Which number should he call though?

Well, I'll call him and we'll sort it out.

So listen, what are we going to do now?

Oh yes, you had some news, didn't

Yeah, a funny thing happened to me, listeners, over the summer.

I was doing some sort of ego surfing.

Weird.

And weird.

And somehow I stumbled across, or maybe somebody sent us a letter or a note, and if so, I apologise, I can't remember who, that my name had turned up as a question on a television quiz show.

Oh, yeah.

Very exciting business.

And not just any television quiz show, but one of the biggest quiz shows on television.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

No.

Wogan's Perfect Recall on Channel 4.

before Countdown.

Basically, I don't know because I just watched it on 4OD when I found out my name was in it.

I don't know anything else about it.

But it's a peculiar show.

It takes place in a weird studio where there's clearly no audience, but yet they've put the sound of one in.

It's not a quiz version of Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

No, it's not.

That would be very good.

But this is a strange show.

Whenever Terry Wogan, who hosts it, makes a joke.

There's a lot of recorded laughter, but it's clearly not real.

And that gives it an atmosphere of sadness.

You can't do that kind of thing in the modern climate, like fake audience.

Exactly.

It's weird that they're still doing that.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure there's no audience there.

I mean, it's a sound of like hundreds of people applauding.

How could they possibly get hundreds of people in every day to watch Wogan's Perfect Recall?

Easily.

Do you think?

Easily.

anyway so there are three contestants or four contestants standing looking quite sad behind podiums and a big board behind them the premise of the quiz is you get asked questions then you buzz if you know the answer right and then the answer goes on a sort of board all right this sounds like a totally new kind of quiz it is it is also all that answers go on a board behind the contestants it is it is

And then they stay there, and then every other question asked during the quiz will have one of those answers as its answers.

So the researchers have got to come up with words, which are the answers to three or four different questions.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

I do know what you mean.

And that might be a reason why they stumbled upon me and my surname.

Because there's many different types of Cornish.

Yeah.

Well, they probably, you know, came up with Cornish first, and then they had to think of the other permutations.

And one of them probably said, what about Joe Cornish from Adam and Joe?

Everyone else went, who?

What?

Now go on, it's quite popular.

It's six music, digital show.

What?

Anyway, somehow this question slipped through the net and it was really surreal watching it.

Very odd experience.

But here's the audio from it.

And notice a few things.

Notice how quickly the contestants immediately know who I am and are able to answer the question.

And notice how Wogan clearly knows who I am and how this whole kind of clip

cements the level of my fame.

There you go, then the name Cornish appeared on a little board behind them.

He was sufficiently moved to actually make a special encouraging comment.

He was sufficiently moved by the total bafflement of the contestants.

And the contestants were around the age you would hope, you know, that they might actually know who you were.

Fifties.

You know what I mean?

Either from the TV show that we used to do on Channel 4, or perhaps from this rate, no idea.

They had no clue.

I didn't know whether to be excited or really humiliated.

No, both, I would think.

Yeah, I was both, exactly.

I mean, it was exciting that Wogan said my name and that they thought I might be a legitimate quiz question, but then that's a pretty, uh, authoritative trouncing of any level of public awareness.

But you got some encouragement from Woggins.

I did!

He said, keep, keep, what did he say?

Stick at it, Joe, stick at it.

Can we hear it one more time?

Joe of TV's Adam and Joe show has which surname?

It's the noise I do.

Stick at it, Joe.

I have stuck at it for about 15 years.

They'll remember your name one of these days.

The way he says it is like, there's no way in the world.

If you do some sort of killing.

It's the mass murder.

You might make it onto the news one of these days.

This is about it for your level of fame.

As far as going down in the annals of history, have fun because it's just happened.

Well, if you work on that show, I'd like to hear what your thinking was about, you know, putting that question on there.

There's presumably someone in the team of researchers listening to this programme, right?

Presumably they would have got fired after that.

Oh, I would hope so.

Here's Ian Brown with Stellify.

That's Ian Brown, the monkey man, with Stellify.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Very nice to be back with you.

And we are in the midst of the nation's favourite feature.

Text the nation.

Let's have the jingle.

And text the nation this week listeners is all about terrible disasters that happen to you on holiday and we've become a little fixated on injuries But we don't just need injuries.

We do like a good injury on this program.

It's ailments specifically Yeah ailments so it can be sickness or could it just be a general disaster?

Uh, you know, one thing that happened, and this was really, um, potentially pretty grim, was our little daughter, um, who is not yet one.

She pulled a bench down on her, um, head, right?

And that's something, obviously... Pulled a bench down?

Like a wooden bench, a small wooden bench, and she's just... But was what balancing on the edge of something?

No, we deliberately pulled it down.

How do you mean she pulled it down?

Well, she she's standing up, right?

She's just about standing up now.

So she was she just sort of was holding on to the side of the bench.

Right.

And she just pulled it over onto herself.

Oh, no.

And it came clunk right on the bridge of her nose.

And my wife was absolutely freaking out, as you would expect, you know, because she was thinking, oh, no, I should have been watching.

And she was.

You didn't really care.

Well, and here's the thing.

We were just about to have a barbecue, right?

And I was setting up the barbecue.

I was really excited about the barbecue.

And I was just looking forward to my first beer of the afternoon and stuff.

And the barbecue was nice and hot.

And those barbecue burgers are delicious.

And so then I hear the scream from the kitchen and oh my goodness and poor old hope she had a cut on the bridge of her nose and you could see there was a big bump already forming there.

She's absolutely freaking out with the shock of the thing.

I'm glad to say that she was absolutely fine, but my wife was like,

she's broken her nose and oh my god she's she's we got to take her to hospital and all this guys are easy don't have to take it to hospital just yet I'm sure she's smiling babies don't they can't they don't have bones to break that's what I was saying it's just jelly it's just jelly it's just just just patty hasn't hardened yet it's part to improve the nose we can mold it back

You know, and she's like, no, no, we got to go to hospital.

Finally, we phoned a doctor and the doctor said, you know, as long as there's not like brain fluid leaking out of her nose, then she's probably OK.

But then at that point, she was sick.

And that's one of the things you've got to watch out for after a baby's had a bash.

You know, A, do they cry immediately?

If so, that's a good sign.

You know, you don't want them passing out.

Yeah, that's true of life in general.

If someone cries at something, it means they're working through it.

It's the middle distant stare that's the problem.

That's right.

If they go quiet, then you've got a problem.

The other thing is if the baby is sick soon after a bump, that's not a good sign.

And so at that point, my wife was like, that seals it.

Barbecue's off.

We're going to the hospital right now to get a check down.

I don't want to take any chances.

I was like, you will.

The burgers are there.

She's fine.

She's a little baby.

She's got putty.

It's going to be fine.

And I was a bit nervous at that stage.

So we compromised.

We phoned up a doctor in the UK.

Doctor said, don't worry about it unless there's brain fluid leaking.

You're probably all right.

Barbecue's on.

So Dr. Buckles was pretty happy about that and gradually everything calmed down.

I'm really pleased to say that it's only about four or five days since the accident.

Already her nose is right back to normal because my wife was thinking that she's like, oh, no, I've broken the baby.

She's going to be scarred and she's going to look like she looked a little bit like a Klingon.

It's the thing, you know, because Klingons have the special... Rich nose, yeah.

Yeah.

And it was bad, you know.

I mean, it could have been a lot worse, obviously, so I'm glad.

That was a minor ailment.

And I'm very glad to say that the barbecue was absolutely great and it worked fine.

Do we have time for some listener ones?

Don't say it like that.

I didn't mean it like that.

It was very pointed the way you said it.

I just thought we should keep it, uh, you know, pithy.

Here's a really good one from... Doctor, is this guy Dr. Leon Carney?

He says, I remember, in fact, I will never forget being four years old, going on holiday to the English seaside, taking my tricycle with me.

I loved my tricycle.

I loved it so much that I'd cycle on it naked.

My parents were happy to let me cycle naked because this was back in the days when kids were allowed to be naked and their parents didn't get arrested for letting them be naked.

One sunny morning I remember recreating a scene from Chips, the 70s police program.

I was suddenly involved in a crazy naked bike chase with a fictional baddie.

The baddie gave me the slip around a sharp corner and as I turned my bike to pursue him, my man parts got caught in the steering mechanism.

What?

I won't tell you any more.

I just want you to know it was as bad as you think it was and walking back to the beach hut carrying a bike that is attached to your winky is a difficult experience to recover from.

Oh, man.

How did it get caught in the steering mechanism?

What is the steering?

I mean, there is a handlebar.

There's only one pivot, isn't there?

How does it get in there?

I mean, if it had got caught in the pedal mechanism, that would be a different sort of a story.

But what kind of a manhood would you have to have to get it caught in the gears?

We need some detail there, Leon.

The length of the thing.

Yeah.

Well, I could have been, you know, a chopper.

That's why you were frustrated with the length of my story because you wanted to get to that joke, didn't you?

Give us more detail, Leon.

We wanted, well, you know, not pictorial, but we'd like to know precisely what happened.

Maybe it got caught in the brakes or something.

More?

A few people have sent us damaged, winky pictures.

We're not that interested in those.

You know what, let's come back to this because my pieces of paper have got confused.

Well, I mean, you've peaked with the chopper gag anyway.

No, there were some other good ones.

Oh yeah, here it is.

Here we go.

This is from Will in Balham.

A couple of years ago on holiday in Thailand, my girlfriend said we should hire mopeds.

I'd never ridden one before and was a tad nervous.

Deadly.

I got mine first, and while she was being instructed by the rental girl, I managed to lurch forward and crash into a wall in front of about 200 people.

I'd driven ten foot.

I broke my foot, couldn't swim for the rest of the trip.

To make matters worse, this is what I'm building up to, I got food poisoning the same night, and at one point I projectile vomited all over my girlfriend while she was helping me hobble to the loo.

That's a good double illness build up there, don't you think?

Definitely.

You got to watch out for the mopeds.

You have to be insane to hire a moped on holiday because everyone gets spashed up on those things.

Andrew and Claire McCluskey say, my sister Claire, ten today, got hit in the face by a croquet mallet wielded by a five-year-old child at holiday club three weeks ago.

She broke her nose, had to go to hospital.

She's much better now having a great birthday listening to the show.

Hooray!

But that's nasty, hitting the face with a croquet mallet.

I can picture that one as well.

Absolutely.

Must have been hard not to laugh a little bit.

Have you ever hit anyone in the face in sports?

Possibly, I don't think so, no.

I smashed someone, Sarah Prest.

I smashed her in the bridge of the nose with a tennis racket.

Did you?

Yeah.

When we were about 11, she was beautiful and I couldn't believe that she was... Well, that's the thing.

couldn't believe she was up for having like a tennis lesson with me, right?

She was good at tennis, I wasn't so good.

First swing I take, smash right into the bridge of the nose with a tennis racket.

She was so nice about it, but she couldn't help herself screaming with pain and crying.

And then she walked away.

Have you seen her since?

No, I've never seen her since.

I hope she's okay.

If you're listening, Sarah, I'm really sorry.

Listen, it's free play time.

I was saying earlier how much I've been enjoying the Moss Def album, the Ecstatic.

I say Moss, you know perfectly well I say Moss, like Moss Isley.

I know, like Moss Isley.

Moss Def, the album's called the Ecstatic.

This is my favourite track off there, it's called Revelations.

We're hearing little voices of people chit-chatting in the background.

Sounds like telephone bleed.

It does, doesn't it?

What's going on there?

I think that's part of the production, though.

That was Back 4 Lashes with Sleep Alone.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Earlier on, we were talking about the fact that my brother is kind of a freakish expert on what you call little bits of punctuation and... Now, he's made a boast about this, has he?

Is this why we're gonna haul him over the audio calls?

I think it's a little unfair to say he boasted, but he certainly came out with quite a torrent of specific knowledge about what these things were called on holiday.

We like to punish people.

people who have knowledge on this program, because we have so little of ourselves.

He'd like to belittle those with knowledge.

So Dave, I think, is on the line.

Hi, Dave.

Hello.

How are you doing?

OK, how are you?

Yeah, very well, thanks.

Hey, Dave, nice to speak to you.

Hey, Joe.

How are you doing?

Now, you're not going to do that thing, Dave, are you, that you sometimes do to me when you're on the phone with me, and just go very quiet for long periods?

Good answer.

Okay, so Dave, you're on live radio, please don't swear.

We're going to test you on the real names for some popular bits of, would you call them punctuation marks?

Is that the collective term for these symbols we're referring to?

Maybe, or diacritics.

diacritic diacritic thank you bang you in there with diacritic did you make that up no is that real so these are the things you get on the top line of your quirky keyboard right above the numbers yeah was that a yes noise yes yes okay here we go uh your quiz starts now

So the symbol commonly known as a hash sign or a sharp sign or a pound sign is also called.

What is the actual technical name for that symbol?

And we should just ask you, Dave, you don't have a Wikipedia page open in front of you, do you?

I've closed it.

But you have been looking at it to remind yourself.

Yeah, well, it turned out I was wrong about all that.

Oh, well hang on, we'll get to Umlauts.

What is the hash sign properly known as?

I don't know, but hash or pound, that's what, or bang.

It's the Octothorp.

Octothorp.

You didn't know the Octothorp?

This is a special quiz that has special new noises, is the one you get when you get something.

I'd forgotten that one, I did know that one.

Did you actually know that?

Because you'd be forgiven for not even vaguely knowing the Octothorp.

Okay, here's a simpler one David.

Just ignore your brother.

Childish behaviour from your older brother.

Surprising.

It's the sort of noise you'd get from the younger brother to the older brother.

Going the other way this time.

What would you call the sort of a hat?

It's a sort of a... How would you describe that line?

Just the top two bits of a triangle above a word.

It's not a graph, it's...

Okay, now I feel sick.

Sick or thick?

It's a circumflex.

That was an easy one.

No, it's a circumflex.

Dave, what about a forward slash?

What's that officially known as?

Solidus.

Yes, a solidus.

And what's a backslash known as?

Reverse solidus.

That's good, man.

You got the solidus.

That's really good.

Let's give you one more.

How about the dot, dot, dot?

What's that known as?

Because I've never heard that referred to as anything but a dot, dot, dot.

That's an ellipsis.

An ellipsis.

Of course.

OK, what about the little squiggly line?

A tilde.

Yes, a tilde.

Or it's also known as a twiddle.

Oh, it's sweet, isn't it?

Little twiddle.

And what about, you mentioned earlier, the grave accent.

You know, an acute accent and a grave accent, often used in French.

What's that officially known as?

a graph no a back pop that's what it says here i don't know i think that might be describing something else a back pop watch guess what's a front pop what about the two dots over the o dave that is uh daresis

Diariesis.

A sloppy back pop.

Listen, David, thank you very much for putting up with that.

That's the end of that.

You scored.

How many did he score?

About three, I think.

About three corrects and about four... So that's not a bad score.

The question remains, how would you draw that noise?

Do that noise?

What's the symbol for that noise, David?

You can't say on radio, can you?

His face.

Which one?

His face.

His Adam's face.

Buckle face.

A bearded smiley face.

Thanks for joining us, David.

Have a terrific Saturday.

And you.

Lovely to speak to you.

Take care.

Cheers, Dave.

Right now, here's a bit of music.

This is Daft Punk with Daft Punk.

Hello, this is David Bowie.

This is a man who sold the world.

Excuse me, Mr. Bowie.

Yes.

My name's Joe Cornish.

I do a programme on BBC 6 music called The Adam and Joe.

Well, it's actually called Boggins now, but I used to be known as The Adam and Joe Show.

Oh, yes, I've heard about it.

Have you?

The kids are listening to it, yes.

It's quite popular with some young people, yeah.

I was out skateboarding last night with my son, Joe.

What, what, what boarding?

Skateboarding was, was, was skateboarding.

I was skateboarding last night.

And then I did some tagging.

And at the end of that, we listened to a bit of boggins.

Well, that's amazing, Mr. Bowie, because listen, my co-presenter, Adam Buxton and I are really, really keen to maybe do an interview with you.

We're terrific fans, especially of your career.

And my, what, the painting?

Yeah, you know everything, your films and your music and painting and everything, video games.

And we'd be really keen to do, to fly to New York.

And we'd come to you and we'd interview you and then we could make it like the Boggins Christmas Special.

Joe, I'd absolutely love that.

I think it's a great idea.

If you guys can get yourself out to New York, it's called the Big Apple, that's what we call it.

Then I would be happy to grant you an interview.

Not a very long one because I'm a busy man.

I've got tagging and skateboarding to do and a couple of installation pieces later on.

But I would be happy to sit down with half an hour and have a little informal chat about this and that and the other.

Well, brilliant.

So can we pop that in the diary?

Let's certainly arrange it.

Let's absolutely arrange it.

I'll tell you what.

Have you seen my son's film yet?

It deals with themes of otherness and individuality.

It's supposed to be very good.

It's supposed to be absolutely marvellous.

Moon.

You should go along and see that.

Maybe we can all get together and have a big old chat and watch that and have some popcorn.

That listeners is a fantasy version of what Adam and I would very much like to happen.

That would be amazing.

James has been trying to get in contact with David Bowie's camp to try and set up an amazing The Boggins interview.

The B camp.

I still haven't seen Moon yet.

I really want to.

I've only heard good things about Bowie's son's directorial debut.

But you know what?

He's been very studious in not making those connections with his father.

That's true, isn't it?

And he's avoided mentioning it, I think, in all press in a very noble and admirable way, despite the thematic connections between some of his father's famous work.

But he's not prickly about it, I've seen him mention it.

No, no, if people ask him, he's very happy to talk about it, but he's very much not exploiting that connection in any way.

Can't wait to see the film.

And yeah, if anyone listening is David Bowie, could they please get in charge?

Because we would honestly, we'd get ourselves out to New York somewhere.

You wouldn't have to do anything.

All you'd have to do, right, is meet us somewhere in Central Park or something.

We'd buy you a hot dog and we'd just, it would take 10 minutes, literally, less even.

If we could just get some evidence of the fact that we had met you and chatted to you, then we would be able to die, I think, afterwards and we'd be fine.

Listen, as a piece of evidence that we could play now, an indication of what would happen if one of us were to meet an important, respected figure in Rock who takes himself and his work seriously, as an indication of what might happen when that individual was met by a sort of idiotic...

digital radio DJ do we have any kind of evidence of what might happen funny should say that I bumped into Tom York from Radiohead at the latitude festival he played an amazing solo show there and I chatted to him for a few minutes backstage after he came off doing this show and I asked him I was asking him about various names that he might employ if he were ever to tour solo this is what happened

So Tom, I've got some ideas for you that you might like to consider.

These are names you could use if you were touring solo, right?

Oh yeah, okay.

I want you to think about these and tell me how you feel about them.

And you have to use one of them, right?

You can't just listen to these and go, yeah, yeah, very fun, I've got to go.

You have to use one of them.

Because Tom York is fine and everything, but you need to jazz it up is what I'm saying.

And you're the man for the job.

I'm the man for the job, right?

Here we go.

T-HOM.

Yeah, like T dot... T homie.

H-O-M-E.

H-O-M-

Well, it would be.

It's uncategorizable.

It's a special type of sexuality that you've created.

I have, yes.

Well, don't we all?

Well, exactly.

What do you think of tomosexual?

I could conceivably get in trouble with that.

I don't think so.

I think people would like it.

How about this?

The Dominator.

But so bad.

Come on.

Come on, it's just... Alright.

Tombola.

That's the name for the show.

In general.

Because it would be like a pick and mix.

People wouldn't know what they were going to get.

You could maybe spin a wheel with songs on it and stuff.

Elvis Costello once did that.

He did do that, yeah.

That would be tricky.

Because we won't have that many... And it won't be like a lucky dip.

Like a bad lucky dip.

T-Bot.

t-bot yeah t-bot but no one will understand what that is man you're stretching it too far i really thought tombola was as far as i was going to need to go and then you'd be saying that's the one don't worry it's going to be the tombola show why do you spell it t-h-o-m-b-o-l-a tombola yeah different spelling okay i mean i do need a name so i'm obviously i'm i quite like what have you got there

Oh well, I had Yorkie fruit and nut bar, but then I wasn't able to get one out.

Yeah, I kind of like that one.

Do you?

Yeah.

You're so perverse.

That was the only one I thought, I can't read that one.

Like the Thomas sexual.

Thomas sexual, I thought you might.

Yeah, perverse Yorkie and nut bar.

Fruit and nut bar.

I can see that in big legs.

Alright.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, great.

He wasn't sure about a lot of those.

No, he wasn't intending.

What happened after that come up so quickly?

Actually, you'll be able to see a slightly different, longer version of that on video.

We're going to post it on the blog sometime this week.

Wow.

So check out the Adam and Jo blog if you would like to see that.

Thanks very much indeed to Tom for talking to me and indeed to Nigel Godrich, who was doing the camera work, as you will see when you watch the video.

Couldn't hear that in the clip, obviously.

But that's an indication of what might happen.

Like, do you think Bowie would be similarly baffled?

I don't know.

I think so.

Yeah, that'd probably be a similar air of excitement and mystification.

Iconoclasm.

Yeah.

Anyway, can't wait to see Radiohead playing tomorrow evening at the Reading Festival, and here's a bit of them in action right now.

This is Jigsaw falling into place.

Radiohead with Jigsaw falling into place, and we're going to put the little film of myself talking to Tom York at the Latitude Festival up on the Adam and Jo Six music blog.

It should be up there around Tuesday, I think, as long as everything goes according to plan in the technical department.

So watch out for that.

I've got a free play for you now listeners.

Now.

I presume that you didn't get the yes last album Joe I don't think they're up your alley.

Are they?

No, but it's a really good album and It sounds quite different to their first album like it sounds a little more polished and stuff.

But the production is amazing I love great production and this was one song that actually Garth Jennings always went on about when the album came out our friend Garth and

And sure enough, it is an absolute smash.

And it was the soundtrack to one of my most perfect moments on holiday, driving along as the sun was setting after a wonderful day, fooling about in a gorge with my children.

And this came on the stereo and it was just a fantastic moment in a wonderful holiday.

This is Hysteric by Ye Ye Yes.

That's the Ye Ye Yes with Hysteric.

Although it sounds like they're saying, it's Derek!

And I think that would be a good single, though.

I haven't released that as a single, I don't think.

It's Derek.

It's Derek!

I haven't done a song called it yet.

Yeah.

They should record that song, It's Derek, and release that as a single.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what it sounds like.

They'd find their fortunes would change.

For the worse.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's Derek.

It's time for the news, is it?

Uh, pretty much.

Well, you know what?

I would like you to fill.

Okay.

15 seconds.

That's not what I mean.

That's not how you fill.

Put a wax on the tracks and slide on out of here, hatched in the corner, ears to the ground, improved to the groove, get down to the sound, buttons and bows and the blue-blonk rouge, all things lively must be used.

R.E.M.

with the signed winder sleeps tonight.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music reeling from the news that Oasis, the band of cavemen, are no longer to do their cavemen.

I can't help feeling an empathic, massive sense of relief for Knoll and how wonderful it must be for him to be freed from what was obviously a terrible psychological burden of his demented younger brother.

Yeah, don't you think?

I mean... I feel a vicarious sense of relief.

He must be just going, oh, thank God I did that.

He must have wanted to do it for about 10 years, don't you think?

Yeah.

I mean, I know nothing about the actual details of the situation.

It always seemed like pantomime, the relationship between the two of them, but I suppose the older you get and that's still going on, it must just wear thin on the nerves.

His hair was getting quite silly, Liam.

Oh, Liam, yeah.

His hair was getting very glossy, like a sort of 60s young pretty lady.

Bob, a very shiny Bob.

Didn't seem like the kind of haircut he could walk down the streets where he grew up and not get lamped in the face for.

No, I think you can.

I mean, that level of vanity is sort of peacock behavior, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's perfectly acceptable in all kinds of communities, Jim.

Sorry about that.

Now, you had something in your locker.

Yeah, I was just, I went on holiday to Spain.

And me and my lady partner, we booked a couple of nights in a very posh spa hotel.

We thought we'd go posh at the beginning and then go a bit cheaper for the main body of the holiday.

That's strange.

I would do it the other way around.

Well, we ended up spending the whole holiday in the spa.

Yeah, because you didn't like the other place Anyway, so when we first got there, we decided to book ourselves some treatment.

Have you ever had that kind of thing?

Yes, I have if you've been to a spa I had a treatment.

Yes on my honeymoon.

Have you had a massage?

Yeah, and it was it really takes it out of you had an elaborate massage Me I like like, you know exotic orange aromas Oh, yeah Himalayas the whole thing.

I mean it was everything but sensual

you know what I'm saying?

sexy free song.

So that's the first thing that gets me anxious before the massage, which is supposed to be a very relaxing thing, that's the whole point.

And it's not something you do very often, presumably?

No, no, one does it as a special treat.

So I thought I'm going to be so relaxed, this is when I finish this massage, I'm going to be more relaxed than any man has ever been.

Was your lady partner having the massage at the same time in the same room?

She had hers before, but in a different room, right?

In the same room.

In the same room, but you weren't there.

There was only one massage.

It's very boutique, this place, Adam.

It's one massage room.

It was cleaned between massages.

Anyway, I thought after this massage I'm going to be so

I'll be unable to walk.

But weirdly, the massage made me very tense for the following reasons.

Reason one was the erotic nature of the massage, and I knew I was going to expose my naked body to this woman.

Oh, totally naked.

Well, I wasn't naked, so I go into this little room, and the following sort of music is playing in the background.

This isn't the real music, but I've attempted to recreate the sort of music in the massage room.

Nice and new-agey.

Thank you.

Can you hear the, uh, Amazonian... Sure, the birds.

Oh, there's chanting.

Yeah, that was what was going on.

Is that you chanting there?

No, well, that is, that's me, but I'm just trying to capture the... I love music.

I genuinely do.

So I go into this room, this music's playing, this very lovely woman with black curly hair, all wearing sort of floppy black clothing.

Uh, she's got limited English.

She says, hello, sit.

Uh, please take off clothes.

I go, okay, so I take off my clothes modestly and she exits for that.

Not hot clothes!

But she leaves me a tiny, tiny plastic bag.

Ah.

Very small, what one might call a dime bag.

Right.

With some sort of article of clothing in it.

So she leaves the room, I unwrap the article of clothing.

And it's the smallest little paper thong.

You've ever set your eyes upon a thong.

So I slip on this tiny thong completely naked now with a little piece of string going between my butox and a tiny little bag for my bits and bobbins at the front.

And I put this thing on and I feel very exposed.

I think the woman can't come back into the room and see me like this.

So I wrap a towel around myself.

She comes back in, she says, take off the towel.

I take off the towel, reveal my tiny little man packet that's not in a state of interest.

You might have to loop the massage music chains.

So I'm feeling a bit compromised because of that.

She starts giggling.

She's repressed to smile and I lay on the bed and my massage involved being covered in oils.

and then rubbed with salt and then, yeah, it was like a chicken being prepared.

Wow.

And then she put some sort of herbal sauce on me.

Coriander.

And she was being very invasive.

Well, not that, she'd been very un-invasive with the thumbs, but they did get very, very close to certain areas.

To special places.

And it was oily, so if she'd slipped that thumb would have gone right up.

Yeah.

I mean, it was within seconds of happening.

Well, she's a professional.

She's not going to let that happen.

Has that sort of thing happened to you?

Not on a regular basis.

It's never, no.

But it did.

I mean, I know what you mean.

The massage I had, I mean, it was extreme.

It's an injury away from danger at all points.

But listen, how did you feel afterwards?

Well, let me just get to a moment in the middle.

I was lying on this bed.

I was lying on a sheet of plastic covered in oil and salt and herbs.

And then she wraps me up in this plastic because that's part of the treatment.

She props you in the oven.

And she says, I leave for 10 minutes.

You lie relax.

So I left.

She left the room and I was lying there wrapped in plastic covered in all these things, listening to the massage music.

Who's fayed up the massage music for a bit to try and recreate that moment?

And for about a minute I felt really relaxed.

Yeah.

But then I started to feel like an idiot.

Like this was the stupidest thing to be doing.

Lying wrapped in plastic in a tiny little room, completely on my own, listening to like insane... Good music, I like music.

Good music.

It's a good Amazonian chanting.

Sure it is.

That's the end of the story.

She came back in, I unpeeled my plastic, I had a shower, washed it all off, and I sort of felt weirder and more tense than I did when I went in.

Yeah, did you, did you, because the thing that can happen with a massage, like a really amazing massage, is that afterwards you feel totally drained, and it brings like a lot of toxins out of you.

I don't know what exactly it does to you, but you feel much worse than you did before you went in, like for a day.

Tell you the other things she did.

She massaged my face, and I didn't know what

expression to have on my face.

Do you know what I mean?

Because my eyes are closed and hers are open.

I wanted her to think I was really relaxed.

So I tried to look as relaxed as possible.

Then she starts massaging my face in such a way that it opens my mouth.

Like that!

So I'm making silly little noises.

What?

He's massaging my face.

Anyway, this whole very serious ritual to me was just like a comic assault course.

That's the other thing that can happen is you can get the giggles after Garth was telling me about when he got a massage.

He just started laughing hysterically and he couldn't stop.

Like every single touch he was just howling with laughter.

And they weren't able to administer the proper massage in the end because he was incapacitated by chuckles.

It hurt me quite badly as well.

Her thumbs were really causing me pain.

I didn't want to say anything because I thought it would be unmanly.

It was unmanly for you to go and get the massage in the first place.

In the first place, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.

It was expensive as well.

I bet.

That was nice, I was relaxing just hearing the story and hearing the music.

Yeah, we might put my massage music up on the blog as well.

And then if you want to do an erotic massage with your partner, you will have some inauthentic Amazonian rainforest chanting.

Send us the video.

Do you mind if I just do a little massage on you during this next song?

Passion pit.

Can you do the balls?

of your feet.

Yes, certainly.

That was Passion Pit with Two Kingdom Come.

Now, do you think Passion Pit is a kind of specific bit of medical terminology for a part of the body, or is it somewhere where you throw people in order that they might engage in roughly?

I think it's the first thing.

Right.

I think it's the name of a part of the body.

The armpit.

Well, I don't know if it's the armpit, because the armpit's not a very sexy area, is it?

Um, is it the nape of the neck?

Mmm, that's not really a pit though, is it?

I can't think of any other parts that it could possibly be.

Salomon Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

You've got a... Oh no, it's time to resolve Texanation, isn't it?

It is, but first of all, we should steer your listeners towards the Adam and Joe blog at bbc.co.uk forward slash blogs.

In fact, that's not a forward slash, is it?

What did we say it was called?

Oh, I've lost a piece of paper.

We'll have to get Dave back on the phone.

Yeah, forward slash blogs, forward slash Adam and Joe.

And on there you will find Adam's Tom York interview.

You might find Adam's song, maybe.

where you find the song yeah yeah you might even find the massage music as well eventually so what's a good thing sorts of excitements there but now let's get on with resolving text the nation what if I don't want to but amusing email is that a problem

Text the Nation this week, listeners, we're asking you about hideous accidents that have happened on your holiday and here's one from Tom Richards in London.

Are you ready for this, Adam?

Yeah, go on.

In my gap year I was in Corfu.

I ran up to dive into a pool, slipped on the edge, caught my toe in the grate and ripped it nearly clean off before I dived in.

I got taken to the local hospital and the doctor, who was also smoking in the operating room, they love it, stitched up my toe, but managed to sew it back on sideways.

Shut up.

So now, it's like working with Danny Dyer, so now I have a sideways little toe on my right foot.

Shut it, you nan.

It affected my balance for a little while, but now it just looks hilarious.

That's a very philosophical view Tom is taking of his disfigurement.

He really is.

I'd like to see a picture of that.

Can we see a picture of the toe, please, Tom?

I thought, because at one stage I thought maybe he was talking about the toe nail.

He actually ripped the toe off before jumping into the pool.

He's saying he's got a lateral toe, a sideways toe.

Sideways toe.

Which is pretty exciting.

What possible good would that be?

That's the kind of thing that a rockstar needs, you know, like Bowie's odd eyes or, you know, the best of rockstars are actually so talented they're slightly physically odd.

That's right.

Look at my sideways toe.

So Tom Richards, you should have a career there in something or other.

It's nice to be there, isn't it?

That is really nice.

Here's one from Arnold.

Sup, Adam and Joe.

My holiday disaster, I was 13 playing golf with my granddad who was 80 something in Portugal.

He let me drive the golf buggy.

Technically I wasn't allowed to, but I kept pestering him and he finally gave in and let me drive it.

Irresponsible.

The course was very hilly, hence the need for a buggy, and I hadn't even got ten metres when all of a sudden I managed to curb the buggy and the whole thing rolled over, throwing my grandad out and trapping him.

He rolled the golf buggy.

He was flipping out.

I'd broken my grandad's leg.

I couldn't lift the buggy off him.

He was trapped for about half an hour before help came.

I was in so much trouble.

Holy goodness.

He died in February this year.

Totally unrelated.

I was going to say.

Sort of.

His leg was never the same since the accident ten years ago.

Why did you read that out?

That's one of the most tragic stories I've ever heard.

Because Arnold wrote it.

I'm crying, not laughing.

Best Arnold.

He rolled a golf ball.

P.S.

I so badly went to Steve and T-shirt.

Where can I get one?

The fan site has them, but I prefer the ones you had for Glasto.

That's all it's about, mainly.

It's getting a Steven t-shirt.

He crushed his granddad with a golf buggy.

He killed his granddad.

More or less he killed him, you know.

I mean, that's more extreme than I was expecting for this text nation.

Well, it's a new bog-ins.

It's the focus group says that text nation has to climax.

Text nation has to reach an amazing climax now.

We have to pace it.

Well, death is always going to be the ultimate climax, isn't it?

Exactly.

Job done.

You've got a bit of a free play for you right now.

Yeah, this is Ika Mouse.

This is called Wonderful World.

That's Ika Mouse from 1985.

Now, what's that album called?

Assassinator, The Assassins?

I think it's called Assassinator.

Very nice.

What a wonderful sound.

Very much.

An absolutely wonderful sound.

Thanks for listening, everybody.

It's time to hand over to David Quantick.

Dave, David, what is he like to be called?

The D-man.

He's taking over standing in for Liz Kershaw in a few minutes.

We'll be back next week.

Don't forget you can find a podcast of the edited highlights of this show on the BBC Six Music website or iTunes or usual podcast type sources.

Absolutely.

If you are going to be in Reading tomorrow afternoon, come along to my show.

I think it's at 10 to 3 on the alternative stage.

If you're in South London tomorrow, come along to my house.

It'll be lovely to see you there.

I'll be watching Telly, and you come sit down and watch some Telly.

Have a little sensual massage.

Yeah.

That'd be nice.

And don't forget to check out the blog.

We'll be back next week, 9 till noon here on BBC Six Music.

Until then, have a great week.

Love you.

Bye.