The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (23 May 2009)

There'll be some music and some random talking in between and then eventually the whole thing will just end.

Black Squadron!

Always catch the beginning of the show.

Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing.

That's not the one, Black Squadron roll.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron's power

Boy, that jingle's not as good as the Creedence Clearwater revival song that we played before.

I don't know.

I wouldn't do yourself down.

I would.

This whole Black Squadron thing, right?

We've been giving Black Squadron a command at the beginning of every show, but we were having a discussion about it before the program started.

What kind of direction we should push these demands in, because, you know, we don't want to be like some kind of gratuitously nutty radio one breakfast show.

I mean, we are a bit like that.

yeah but i think it'd be nice it would be nice yeah i don't know i said that why did you say that okay how about this we do want to be like some kind of nutty what we want to be is like some kind of gratuitously nutty radio one breakfast show okay but

We were thinking we should push the Black Squadron commands in a more serious direction.

Not more serious, but just a more testing and challenging direction.

Test the allegiance of the squadron members.

They're supposed to be an elite stealth force, right?

And they're like the SAS, and any challenge, they'll do anything.

9 o'clock club.

And if they won't do anything, then get out of the squadron.

Get out of the squadron.

That's the approach, isn't it?

Yeah, if you've just tuned in, you've never heard this show before.

Hello, we're Adam and Joe.

Black Squadron is what we call the people that listen loyally from 9 until 9.30, the elite early listening force to the live show.

Within the UK.

Oh god, I don't see within the UK.

It's all on Wikipedia now.

Is it?

Yeah, someone's broken down the squadrons.

Oh my lord.

What do we call people listening outside the UK?

I don't know.

Globe squadron.

Anyway, so we've got a command for this morning, right?

Yeah, do you want to issue it?

I think you should issue it.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah, you're uncomfortable with issuing the commands, aren't you?

Yeah, not really.

This is what I mean about the Nutty Radio 1.

I'm not very good with leadership.

Okay, well this is the command.

You've got to write the words Black Squadron on your face, and you've got to keep it written there for as long as possible, not just beyond the first half hour of the programme, but all day.

So here's like the ultimate test, right?

to provide pictorial proof of this.

Send us a photo of yourself with Black Squadron written across your face.

So it has to be clear that that Black Squadron that you've written on your face is the same in the morning as it is in the evening.

So you have to take a picture of yourself next to, I don't know, the TV or something.

You don't have to do this, but if you are, you know, a proper elite, of course you don't have to.

Black Squadron.

Well, how would we enforce it?

With the police.

Yeah.

Send the police around.

They probably would go around.

You reckon?

Yeah.

But yeah, so if you've got the guts to have Black Squadron written on your face and keep it there all day, then you could take a photo of your face, for instance, next to the telly tonight when Britain's Got Talent is on.

When the boiler gets on telly.

Yeah.

I didn't mean to call it a boil.

That came out wrong.

But what's the name?

Mary Boyle?

Susan.

Susan Boyle.

Yeah.

I mean, that would just be one way to prove that you'd had it on all day.

Yeah.

And don't try and pose next to a recording of last week's Britain's Got Talent, because we'll figure that out.

We'll figure it out.

Has to be Susan Boyle doing her new routine.

Anyway, that's the command.

But you know, it would be impressive if you just wrote Black Squadron on your face and kept it there for the first half hour of the show.

That in itself would be impressive.

I'm still chuckling at the idea that it takes guts.

It does take cuts.

Like being in the army.

Of course it does.

Here's some music for you folks.

Here's Empire of the Sun with We Are The People.

Empire of the Sun with We Are The People.

James, our producer, telling us that they're huge in Australia.

Yeah, I was waiting for you to do the accent.

I was thinking, what's Joe doing?

He's just reading out in a normal voice.

I was waiting until I'd mentioned the country and it's now time to unveil my

precise Australian accent.

I mean, it really is absolutely on the money.

Every tiny word, the shape of every phrase is perfectly observed.

I like the way you do your little sibilant tease as well.

Well, we've discussed that in the past.

It's very important.

I like the fact that you recast

Australians are slightly effeminate.

Well, yes, that's right.

Now they're very macho.

Yeah, that's what's deceptive about them.

You know what?

In fact, that reminds me, I rented the film Australia.

Did you?

Today.

Why would you do that?

You had to go and see it when we wrote our songs, didn't you?

Because remember I walked out of it.

And everybody got very angry.

You wanted to see what happened to the driver.

My defense was I will watch the rest of it on Blu-ray.

So in fact, I'm paying over the odds for it.

Way over the odds.

For the ticket price, but not a low price in the West End.

And now I've paid to rent it.

What a nutbag.

And I'm going to watch the second half.

So I'm only saying that.

Oh, you haven't watched it yet.

No, that I'm true to my word.

No, I haven't watched it yet.

Safeguarding trust.

Well done.

Yeah.

So what night have you got set aside for that?

I've got a little stack of four movies.

Yeah.

It's quite exciting.

And you're only going to watch half of each one.

Yep.

No, I'm going to watch the rest of, you know, I'm going to give them a shot.

Anyway, isn't that honest of me?

Well, it's honest that you bought it.

I'll be impressed if you actually... I didn't buy it.

Rented it.

Rented it, rented it.

I'll be impressed if you actually watch the second half.

I mean, there's really no reason to do that.

What about the planes bombing the area?

Did you walk out before that?

Yeah.

That must be quite good, mustn't it?

Little Nula.

Something's going to happen to him.

He's taken away to some sort of place where they punish kids and huge goes and rescues him.

To an island.

We never actually see what happens.

The rescue is fairly brief.

It goes pretty smoothly.

Oh, you ruined it now.

I thought they were all going to be killed.

Oh no, they're all going to be killed.

No, mate.

I've got a free play for you now.

And I'm just, I'm just, do you think it's too early to do an insane free play or should I go for the more?

Okay, here's an insane free play for you right now.

This was sent to us.

This is good, isn't it?

This is, sorry.

Yeah.

This is the Lewis Records man.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

That's good stuff.

They sent us a big stack of their stuff, Lewis Records, and this was one of them.

It's two Japanese girls and a Brit sort of expat who lives out there in Japan, I think, and they call themselves Cinnamon.

And this is called Cakes and Pies.

That was just a little exciting moment here in the studio, listeners.

We were looking at some photos you've sent in of people obeying the Black Squadron command.

And Xanthi, our lovely assistant lady, well, it's patronizing to call her an assistant, isn't it?

Lovely assistant lady is a little bit practical.

It's like she's a dolly bird on Brucey's, some Brucey, yeah, she loves that.

She looks so proud of that description.

Anyway, she came in with some, this conversation I'm having here has gone on for so long, I've forgotten what I'm talking about.

It was, you started off by saying there was an exciting moment there.

There we go.

And she ran in with photos and we nearly collided like characters in broadcast news.

It was exactly like broadcast news.

Like William Hurton, Holly Hunter.

Had the same degree of import.

We were rushing to get to our seats to bring the important news that several people have written Black Squadron across their foreheads.

What are their names?

And sent in pictures.

We don't really know their names.

They're very good looking.

Yeah, there's a couple, a lady and a man.

That's very nice.

We'll find out their names.

Anyway, brilliant.

Well done, Black Squadron.

Good job, those of you who've responded to that.

See if you can keep it going all day.

Yeah.

And yeah, pictures next to Susan Boyle.

You'll be watching tonight, of course.

Of course, I'll be watching tonight.

I've got a couple of issues, though, with Britain's Got Talent.

Do you want to talk about that?

Yeah, what's your problem?

My first problem is Amanda Holden.

She's a problem generally, but she keeps saying the words on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen.

Have you noticed that?

Now she said it at least twice.

On behalf of Her Majesty the Queen, it's a yes.

Now, come along, Holden.

I mean, that's a beheadable offence, isn't it?

What does she mean?

You would think so.

On behalf of the Queen.

Yeah.

Is she talking to the Queen?

It could be that she has a tattoo of the royal seal somewhere about her person.

And that is enough to let you say, on behalf of... Yeah, if you've got... I don't think it is.

She's got an endorsement.

I think if she has... If she isn't actually relaying the Queen's opinions, then that is a reasonable offence.

And I think Holden should be beheaded.

Actually beheaded.

Yeah, during Saturday week's episode of Britain's Got Talent.

Well, they could get like a guy, they could get a sort of magician in, right?

No, I want it for real.

Really?

I was going to say that the act could be he appears to behead her and the joke is he has actually beheaded.

Yes, you're right.

No, I like that now.

Because he adds an extra twist.

Yeah, he's like a kind of Tommy Cooper incompetent magician.

Oh no, I've actually cut the head off.

Because that would be good for the ratings.

And he actually has, yeah.

You know, look at how Ponderay's divorce has affected the ratings for Ponderay's program.

Skyrocketing.

It's not the same as actually killing someone on air though, is it?

And beheading isn't really killing, it's a royal execution.

It's a royal execution.

It doesn't really fall under the remit.

It's a clinical procedure.

Yeah.

Is someone doing the beheading gesture to you right now?

No.

We're not actually advocating anyone should go and remove Amanda Holden's head, are we?

No, we're not.

We're not.

Just to make it clear.

If there's anyone out there thinking, you know, hey, hang on.

Anyway, the second thing that gets me upset about Britain's Got Talent is something Cal keeps saying.

He keeps saying, that is the most amazing dance act I've ever seen in my life.

That is the most amazing puppy juggling act I've ever seen in my life.

Everything seems to be the most amazing thing he's ever seen in his life.

What's his life like?

Is it just that things just get increasingly amazing during the day, sort of moment to moment for him?

So he has to just constantly say, this is the most incredible coffee I've ever drunk in my life.

No, this is the most incredible coffee I've ever drunk in my life.

Now they're editing out the bits where he says, this is the 25th most incredible dog juggling act I've ever seen in my life.

He should start being more specific and putting them on a list and yeah, bringing, quoting numbers.

Yeah.

Cause there's a lot of the most amazing things he's ever seen in his life going on.

This is the 252nd worst ventriloquist act I've ever seen in my life.

I think things just keep getting better for him because they're constantly the best thing.

He's delighted.

I mean, he's having a good time.

Life is just a sort of orgasmic parade of revelations for him.

Well, I'm just thinking about that.

Do you see, do you like his bouncer that comes in with him to protect him from the furious people?

I wouldn't say I like him, but he's a knockabout funster sometimes on the ITV2 show with Steven Mulhern.

He looks like, oh I haven't seen that one.

Oh you should see that one.

I haven't, he looks like the guy from The Monsters though, Uncle Fester.

Yes.

He's from the Addams family, Uncle Fester.

But he's fun loving.

Yeah.

yeah he's a jolly giant you know like the guy in uh of mice and men right what's his name sometimes accidentally killed little birds is that boo radley to kill a mockingbird who's the gentle giant i forget his name and is it george called george george the giant i tried to pet it but i killed it

That kind of thing.

That's what he's doing with a dead fan.

Exactly.

Can I touch your kitten?

Oh dear, I killed it.

Here's Jonathan Richmond.

There you go.

That's Jonathan Richmond with You're Crazy for Taking the Bus.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

James, what side have you got us panned to?

Because I can only hear sort of mono in these headphones.

I'm on the left.

So this is Adam on the left hand side of your hello.

This is Joe stereo spectrum is this for legal reasons you're saying well No, we've had a few emails every now and again We get emails from people complaining that we sound very much alike and they can't tell who's speaking Adams on the left Joe's on the right cuz you you copy me What you're copying my voice you think it's so cool you copy it copy it

You see, look.

You're doing it right there.

Someone emailed in and said, I've started talking like Joe because he's so cool.

I was thinking, what?

Why does that sound like?

Hello.

I didn't see that email.

I want that email.

Hello, how do you do it?

Do you listen to me?

They are so cool.

This is how Joe speak.

How rude.

Listen, it's time for the news.

So let's hear it.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bargain mark

It's not true, it's a joke.

It's a cover of a candy flip track, actually, by Stevie Wonder.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we're very pleased to have you along.

I mean, I just felt delighted to be alive.

It's a lovely morning.

This morning and it's such a pleasure to be here with you folks.

Thanks so much for sending in the pictures of yourselves with Black Squadron written on your faces if you did.

Yeah, Louise and Gordon were the people who sent in the one we mentioned earlier, who Adam said were very attractive.

Pretty good looking.

I'd happily bed down with either of them.

Well, you can only really see Gordon clearly.

You're going to be bedding down with Gordon.

Something to look forward to there, Gordon.

Top of Louise's face is nice though, even though it's got black squadron written across it.

And we repeat that we realise that this is a very juvenile and sort of disruptive thing to ask Black Squadron to do to write on their foreheads.

But it's sorting out the men from the boys the week from the chaff.

It takes guts.

Someone has texted in and said apparently on the on the hash Black Squadron Twitter string or whatever you call it, there's a lot of people refusing.

are they to do the command they resigning their commission they are chaff um anyway we'll put that aside for the moment so we're going to launch text the nation right now the nation's favorite feature excuse me little bit of frogles it's important to clear your throat before you start text the nation i'm talking about it out of respect

Is that respectful enough?

Very.

That's so profoundly respectful.

It's too respectful, isn't it?

I've come up with a new jingle.

This is a collaborative effort with a listener who sent in a very good rock instrumental version of the Text the Nation jingle.

Have I written down his name?

Lee Henman.

Thank you, James.

Someone's on the case here.

Also, I've given a little shout out to Lee Henman at the end of the jingle.

So you're immortalized in this jingle now, Lee.

Thanks so much.

Good collaboration.

Hope you like what I came up with.

Here it is.

The text number is 64046.

I can't remember the email.

Lee Hedman, ladies and gentlemen!

Good night!

Wow, was that recorded live?

I was live.

In Germany, somewhere in Germany.

It was at the Lubestrassen in Germany.

I thought I recognised the Lubestrassen.

You recognised the dynamics.

The acoustics, yeah.

I've got a setting on my amplifier that is the what?

The Lubestrassen.

The Lubestrassen, yeah.

Wow, that was very powerful stuff.

Well done.

It's where we saw Bowie on the Glass Spider Tour.

I'll never forget that night.

Thank you very much though, Lee.

Cheers.

And if you feel similarly moved to send us an instrumental base for any of our jingles that we use on this show that we can retool, please do so.

Absolutely.

Text the Nation this week, listeners, is kind of coming from the fact that for the last two weeks my lovely lady partner's been away.

She's been working in France, isn't she?

Yeah, she's been working in the Cannes Film Festival, so I've been alone at home for two weeks.

Macaulay Culkin.

Now she's back this weekend, so, you know, don't panic or worry.

But it's been an interesting two weeks for me being

home alone, and I thought this is something a lot of people probably experience every now and then.

If you've got a family when they go and stay with some sort of a relative, if you cohabit when your cohabities go away, but to be in your house on your own for a sustained period of time is an interesting experience.

For me, it started with a feeling of terrific freedom and emancipation almost, excitement at the things I could get up to in an unmonitored, unfettered manner.

This is most recently, you're not talking about the very first time you were left.

No, this is every time.

Every time I'm left alone in the house, it starts with an initial sense of freedom and excitement.

But then, over the days, becomes melancholy and slightly sad and insane and unhygienic.

When you think maybe the people who are supposed to be looking after you aren't coming back.

Exactly, yeah.

When the post starts piling up, you know, things get very, very dusty and messy, and basically when you run out of pants, that's the key problem that happens.

And food.

And food, that was happening as well.

My diet has suffered.

Yeah, are you Johnny Takeaways now?

Not Takeaways, but a lot of fish pies.

Fish pies?

A lot of fish pies.

Did she not freeze a whole load of dishes for you before she left?

No.

What kind of cohabity have you got there?

That's just liberated.

So listen, I've written a kind of top, I don't know what it is, top six or seven things I like to do when my girlfriend goes away and I'm alone in the house.

The first thing is very loud music.

Sure.

I mean, everything very loud because she's very respectful of the neighbors.

And when she goes away, I'm less so.

And I think nothing of playing a film.

Really loud.

Crank up the surround.

Yeah, the radio really loud, the telly really loud.

Having them all on in every room so I don't have to go through the effort of switching them on when I enter the room.

them on all the time like a kind of department store you know oh what's going on in here oh it's the telly what's goes the radios on in here there's someone chatting in the bedroom oh it's radio four I'm gonna move the telly into the toilet

Oh, that's a good idea.

So that kind of thing.

Naked?

Dancing.

Sure.

A lot of walking around naked.

It sounds very much like Risky Business.

It is a bit like that, but he had pants on.

With you as Tom Cruise.

I'm always better looking.

You're just doing it completely new.

I'm not so good looking.

I'm very gangly and big in all areas.

So I'm going around the house naked and I'm dancing to the very loud and singing.

A lot of singing.

Yeah.

I'd like to apologize to my neighbors because there has been a lot of very loud singing.

That kind of thing drives a partner mad.

Of course.

But she's not there.

Totally unfettered.

Okay.

Unmonitored access to chocolate buttons.

Nice.

My girlfriend tends to try and stop me eating too many chocolate buttons.

Right.

But oh boy.

have I been eating those buttons you know those resealable packs sure they're pointless why would you need to reseal them when you could just finish them off when they were all gone did you actually got a secret stash that you found or anything uh no she had well I did look for that I ran out of chocolate so I went to hunt for cooking chocolate yeah cooking back of

the cupboards, but I couldn't find there was some dark chocolate.

I'm not going to go that far.

What else?

Are you rifling through any of her personals?

No, I wouldn't do that.

That's awful, because I wouldn't want her to do that to my personals.

Like going through drawers and stuff.

That's a weird thing to say.

That would be sort of assuming she was keeping secrets from me.

Do you think she is?

Everyone does.

Really?

Everyone does.

Okay.

The next one is having the whole double bed to yourself.

Sure.

I mean, that's amazing.

It means that you can stretch those legs out at any point without worrying about kicking.

Yeah.

There's cold pillows, lovely, fresh, cool pillows.

It's always a lovely, cool part of the bed.

Always a cool part of the bed.

When you've got the area, you're in all warm.

You can turn around luxuriously.

You don't have to kind of turn yourself over in the same spot.

You can roll

I mean really there's a strong argument for couples to have their own bedrooms with a massive double bed each in each room.

Don't you think?

That's what my parents figured out.

they separated.

And is that it?

That's pretty much it.

Going shopping very late at night.

I enjoy disrupting my regular hours, you know, Sainsbury's at 10.45pm, getting up very late.

I'd been watching a lot of films that she wouldn't be interested in.

Catching up on my Pasolini Blu-rays.

You know, hardcore European art house.

Watching some extreme horror.

A film called Laid to Rest during which a man's, the front of a man's face was hacked off.

she wouldn't have enjoyed that.

For some reason, she doesn't like that kind of thing.

I love it.

I watched it very loud.

So, for Text the Nation today, we want to hear what kind of things you get up to when you're left home alone.

Whether you're a youngster or an oldster, send us your ideas.

You can text us on 64046

or you can email us.

The email address is adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.

Now it's time for some music.

This is iMonster with a sucker for your sound.

Very nice.

That's iMonster with Sucker For Your Sound.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Pleasure to be with you.

You know when you're a teenager, like 14, 15, 16?

I remember.

And you get really depressed?

Sure.

There's something about being depressed when you're a teenager that's slightly romantic and enjoyable.

You've got the rest of your life ahead of you to sort your problems out.

I mean, I think there are moments when, obviously, teenagers are genuinely and, you know, where that sort of thing could be serious, but I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about, like, when you're romantically depressed.

Fun depression.

Yeah, when you're, oh, I'm so depressed.

And maybe you flop back on your bed or your sofa and you think, wow, it's a shame someone isn't taking a black and white photograph of me right now looking really depressed because I bet I look cool.

Do you know what I mean?

Is that the kind of thing you used to think?

Well, I'm just saying this in preparation for the record I'm about to play because this is from 84 when we were in that kind of a period.

And there's nothing better when you're sort of exquisitely depressed as a teenager than listening to a sort of, you know, wistful record with really awful lyrics.

Even though teenagers generally don't look good when they're depressed, I mean, they're kind of spotty and awkward a lot of the time.

Do you think?

You know, I mean, if you happen to be blessed with incredible good looks as a teen, then... Yep.

Keep talking.

Great.

Yep.

Yeah.

Well, it's different for, you know, different people.

But if, for example, you were kind of spotty Herbert with, like, highlights in your hair and... And things tip-exed onto your jacket.

Then what?

Then maybe you wouldn't look quite so cool.

No, no.

You've got the wrong guy.

I look cool.

And in 1984, depressed and spotty with stuffed apex tons in my jacket.

This is the kind of thing I was listening to.

This is Lloyd Colan, The Commotions with Are You Ready to Be Heartbroken with some of the most terrible lyrics ever written.

But a lovely tune.

Here it is.

Angela.

It's Jarvis Cocker.

Jarvis Cockles.

Warming the cockles.

That's his new single.

And it comes from his album Further Complications, which is out on Monday.

Nice sleeve design for that.

With him all in a pose on the front.

Yeah.

And very nice font as well.

Blocky font.

A lot of the detail taken out of the lettering, but still very legible.

Very nice.

Beautifully designed.

You're a big font queen.

No, I'm not a big font queen.

What is a big font queen?

Like mincing around Soho with fonts all over a t-shirt.

Very reductive way of... Really?

I'm just thinking of like a drag queen, but who dresses in fonts, like with amazing letters.

A bit wordy from that children's educational program.

Words and pictures.

The little round guy that looks like a typewriter ball.

The apparently nude man.

Are we talking about the same guy?

He had a bow tie, but nothing else on.

Yeah, but he hasn't got any legs.

He had little legs poking out.

Oh, did he have little legs poking out?

Blobs.

From his blobs.

From his amorphous blob of a torso.

He was a grotesque little fellow.

He was a chirpy, cheerful chap who was very keen on spelling.

He wanted to teach me how to spell, but all I could think about was

The roles of your torso are just obscuring the fact that you're nude.

I'd better look at a picture of him again.

I'm not being able to picture him.

Wordy.

I might be picturing him all wrong in my mind.

Anyway, I agree with you.

Fonts are fun and I'm a bit of a font queen myself.

Right.

I'm like the one you mentioned.

Right, but you're projecting again.

Yeah, fair enough.

Now, I had something in my brain and it's gone out of my brain.

Oh no!

It was a thing.

Oh yes.

Did you watch... Did you watch Silence of the Lambs the other day when it was on telly?

No, but I've watched it recently.

Have you?

I know it very well.

That is a film and a half though, isn't it?

Yes.

I mean that stands up pretty well.

When did it come out?

Ooh, 90, five, six, something like that.

Mid, later, earlier, higher, lower.

Brutus, babe!

91.

Early 90s.

James thinks even earlier, yeah.

The only thing that's dated about it is some of the SWAT team action is a little ludicrous.

Right.

When they're jumping around.

The way they run and jump in formation.

Oh, really?

Hot, hot, hot!

It's a bit like that.

But Jonathan Demme, I mean, he is one of the kings of cinema, isn't he?

He's very masterful.

Terrific POV work there.

A lot of camerawork straight into the faces of the actors.

And an amazing thing he does as well, where the music climaxes after the picture climaxes.

So Hannibal Lecter will do something appalling and the music's building to a climax.

It'll cut to the next scene with Clarice Starling running down a corridor.

But the music will still be building to a climax.

So it's almost like the horrible bits sort of resonate beyond what they usually would and bleed into the next scene.

It's really cool.

Amazing score.

Howard Shore, I think, did the score.

Really good score.

Howard Shore.

Getting a bit nerdy.

No, no.

I mean, it's wonderful.

It was a joy.

It was one of those films that came on TV and you're thinking, I'm off to bed now.

First five minutes.

Can't switch it off.

And the cross-cutting as well at the climax when you think the SWAT team are arriving at the same place where Clarice is about to get Buffalo Bill.

And it's cross-cut, but then they're cheating you and they open the door and it's someone else.

It's the kind of thing you've seen ripped off a number of times since then, but that was the first time I'd seen it when I saw that film.

One of the fun things about... Because obviously the thing that everyone impersonates... Tuffins the nipples, doesn't it?

Tuffins the nipples, doesn't it?

It's very enjoyable to go through doing the Anthony Hopkins during that film.

But the other fun thing to impersonate in that film is Buffalo Bill.

Yes, you do a good Buffalo.

I mean, it's fun.

You can pretty much talk like Buffalo Bill for days.

It's really funny.

Oh, wait.

Was she a great big fat person?

That's good, it's unsettling.

Do you remember that line?

What's the put the lotion in the basket?

Put the lotion in the basket.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

He starts off all camp when he's got the girl in the well down there.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

And then when she refuses to dirt, put the lotion in the basket.

You know who he reminds me of slightly?

Who?

Russell Brand.

Do you think Russell Brand's flat is like that?

Definitely.

He probably does that thing where he pops his chap in between his... Sure.

Dances around, this is the fall.

Yeah, I bet he does that.

Is that wrong, James?

Put the lights in the middle of the basket!

So far we've said that Amanda Holden should be beheaded and that Russell Brand is a transvestite serial killer.

Yeah.

Come on, there's nothing controversial there, shall we?

No.

Fine.

Family entertainment.

Wait, we're sure you're a great big fat person.

It's the music for you.

This is what we got now Oh, this is the new single from the eels which is called my timing is off.

It sounds on Monday.

That's lovely Eels with my timing is off out on Monday.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC six music I was talking about Buffalo Bill there just before and I forgot that one of the reasons I was thinking about it was that I saw a thing about Family Guy on TV, you know the cartoon series and They show that

almost all the time on BBC3.

Sure, they love it.

But literally all the time.

It is to BBC3 what Friends used to be to Channel 4.

It's become the new three pints of lager and a packet of scratchings or whatever it's called.

Yeah, that's no bad thing, is it?

Walter Wall.

Seth Green, you know, the American comedian who plays the name, the brother on that show whose name I don't know.

I'm not a massive family guy aficionado.

I like the show, but I couldn't tell you what the brother's name is.

He said that he was inspired.

The inspiration for the voice for that character is Buffalo Bill.

That's how he went.

He went in as a dare for the audition with a friend of his.

He said, I'm just going to talk like Buffalo Bill right the way through the audition.

And he got it.

And he got the part.

Fun fact, in the podcast, James, you can splice that together with the other bit and make it seamless.

Don't forget, folks, if you've never listened to this show in podcast form, you're missing out.

It's an amazing world out there.

It comes out every Monday.

Maybe it might be Tuesday this time because it's bank holiday, isn't it?

But yeah, at the beginning of the week, you'll find a wonderful podcast available of this show free for download.

We've had a text from the series producer of Britain's Got More Talents.

That's the ITV2 Stephen Mulhern presented program.

Never seen it.

You've never seen it.

You're missing out.

I am.

On quite an extraordinary program they put together there.

Sure.

With all sorts of segments and things.

What do they call those things?

They're just sister shows or there's a more fancy name for those.

They show you auditions that haven't made it to the main program.

And then they have standalone sort of segments.

They get a lot of screen time out of Ant and Decks, sort of off-camera moments.

Extra Decks.

Any time that Mulhern can get you some time with Ant and Decks and say some silly things, they'll pop that in.

Right, right.

They'll pop most things in.

And do Ant and Dec seem obliging?

They seem very obliging.

I mean, they're the most obliged chaps on television.

Anyway, she's called Mariel.

She says, she says we could come on their show for some knockabout fun if we wanted and we could meet Amanda Holden and we could quiz her firmly about the Queen thing.

However, it's a no from me to any live execution action.

Oh, wow.

But it's nice because Mary has considered it.

She's thought it true.

She's looked into the possibility.

I think she wants it to happen, but for health and safety reasons it's a no.

Logistically.

Because it could result in a beheading.

That's right.

The beheading.

That's right.

So she's decided to nix it.

Thanks for considering it though, Marielle.

And thank you for your invitation.

Here's some music for you now.

This is Roxy Music with Love is the Drug.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about things you do when you're alone in the house, when your loved ones or cohabitees or carers go away and leave you for an extended period of time.

What kind of illicit fun do you get up to when nobody's watching in your own home?

You thought of a little something you did just then, didn't you, Adam?

Well, I've been, for a few weeks, a few months back, I was staying on the Thursday nights.

This is a pathetic way.

I was basically staying in our empty house in London before it was sold.

And so there was no furniture and stuff.

And I found myself one evening, having got back from a gig, just lying in the bath, but with no water in it, lying fully clothed in the empty bath, having a glass of wine.

Is that the sort of thing your wife would scorn if you did it while she was in the house?

I'd say legitimately she would.

She'd think it was eccentric and you were losing your marbles.

I wouldn't even do it.

You know, I wouldn't do it in the family house with my children sleeping next door, just lie there with my clothes on with a glass of wine.

His children would find it unsettling.

His daddy was going potty.

Yeah, what's wrong with daddy?

Why is he in the bath with his clothes on and a glass of wine?

Crying.

Doesn't matter, he's fine.

I wasn't crying.

Sorry.

I was thinking about him.

I was thinking sad thoughts.

I did catch myself and thinking and thought this is not right.

Why am I doing this?

I got out of the bath, didn't even finish the red wine, just went to bed.

You wouldn't be a very good surrealist, would you?

No.

You'd think, oh, this is just weird.

This melted clock on this branch.

It's just disturbing.

It's with ants everywhere.

This is ridiculous.

So here are some texts we've had in on the subject.

This is from Pete in Dundee.

Hi, I stopped smoking a few months ago, but when my wife goes out, I go through the bin and smoke her doubts.

Doubts?

Is that a word for little stubs, unlike Smokey Stubbed?

I think maybe it's... Where's he from?

Dundee.

Dundee, yeah.

I think maybe it's a Scottish word.

Sometimes I have to dry them out on the radiator first.

So in a way, in a way you haven't stopped smoking and in another way, you're like a tramp.

It is very trampy behaviour.

But I've got some sympathy for you there, Pete.

Well, I don't know, I can't go into it.

That's desperate stuff.

Sometimes you have to go into bins.

Sometimes you throw stuff away accidentally.

Everyone's foraged in a bin for one reason or another at some point in their life.

What's that?

What kind of laugh was that?

I don't know, it was an evil one.

Let's move on.

Matt from Ipswich.

All my different types of laughs in one bit.

Hi Adam and Jo.

Sometimes when I'm on my own I like making up goal celebrations and practising them in front of the mirror.

My favourite one is the handle fist pump with the pelvic thrust.

Handle fist pump?

How does that work?

Like he's pumping a water pump.

Sorry, the one handed fist pump.

That was a better one handles Messiah and now handles this pump played by the Royal Philharmonic.

Here's one from Becky Again, I haven't read the pirates back.

It's the pirate

This, I'm just flicking forward into it and it says kitchen knives, which is a bit worrying, but let's see where she goes with this.

My husband is away just now, apart from obvious liberating things like letting the dishes pile up all along the worktop.

Bracket sees a washing up freak.

There's nothing freaky about wanting to do the washing up.

He likes things vaguely clean.

He likes to eat from clean plates.

At night, I draw the curtains, leave the lights on, and hide the kitchen knives.

Ridiculous, because I live in a nice part of Edinburgh.

But that's true, actually, Becky.

It can be a little bit scary.

Well, that's the flip side of the whole thing.

A tiny bit scary.

And when one is an adult, not many things scare you in a kind of horror film sort of a way.

because one's usually a bit comfortable about the world and things that might happen, but there's something about being alone in the house that really does make you do the kind of things that you would think were ridiculous in a horror film.

When people go into the basement, they hear a noise in the basement, and when you're watching a horror film, you always think, oh, I'd never do that.

But when you're alone in the house, you find yourself doing things exactly like that.

Yeah.

That's why she's hidden the knives in case some evil masked killer comes in.

Well, the first time you're left home alone, it can be scary.

And you were talking before about leaving a lot of appliances on.

I remember doing that the first time my parents... That's why I'm doing that.

Just for a sense of company.

Yeah, yeah.

These are good, keep them coming in.

The text number is 64046 and the email is adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.

Here's Florence and the Machine with Rabbit Heart.

That's Florence and the Machine.

What was that one called Adam?

It's gone away now.

It was called Rabbit Heart brackets.

Raise it up!

I was thinking about we're talking about things that you've picked out of the bin there by the way of a text that we got on the text the nation theme and We're all talking about things that you've had to pick out every now and again James talking about having to retrieve some keys that were accidentally thrown away there I mean it's things have got pretty bad when you start having to rummage through the bin for whatever reason and it's always the last resort right I mean if there's any way that's been rummaging can be avoided and

It's just humiliating because there's a thin line between rummaging through your bin at home and rummaging through a bin on the street.

No, there isn't.

Well, it's exactly the same action, but just in a different context.

Yeah, but it's like if you think you've thrown something important away and you have to rummage through your bin, it's different to just thinking, oh, that's a bin.

Well, that's what tramps think.

I think I'll have a little look.

I've thrown something important away in one of the bins.

You never see tramps making excuses.

In London.

It's my keys.

I think I may have dropped them.

That's the reason I'm doing this.

And show my wife left to Siggy's in here.

One of these bins.

This is probably a... Trampist.

Trampist, racist, all kinds of things.

It's almost certainly sexist.

Is it?

Because tramps are so sexy.

Yeah.

One time, this is the most revolting thing and here's an admission for you that I ever did Binwise, right?

And I think I was probably home alone at this point as well because it involves a takeaway.

Um, I actually decided to backpedal.

I'm thinking about backpedaling.

I got a lovely Indian takeaway, delicious Indian takeaway.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

And I ordered too many poppadoms, right?

Couldn't get through that.

I was absolutely full.

Couldn't get through the poppadoms.

Finished about nine o'clock in the evening, absolutely stuffed.

Chucked the rest of the poppadoms and the stuff in the bin.

And one then later that evening.

A couple of hours later.

Poppa Dom merch.

Thinking about the Poppa Dom's again.

Thinking, chucked away a couple of whole Poppa Dom's there.

Were they inside any kind of container?

Or were they just that loose in the bin?

They were in a sort of free range.

A paper bag, you know.

Ah, that's alright.

Absorbent.

Sort of absorbent.

They had it absorbed.

Some of them were loose.

I picked the ones that were not soiled and had snaffled those.

There was still some mango chutney left in there.

Really?

Well, yeah, I scraped it off the sides.

A little extra treat.

You see, all you have to do is transpose that image to the Tottenham Court Road at two in the morning.

Oh, drop my keys.

Here's a free play.

This is for my mum.

I'm thinking of having a regular free play for my mum because I know she listens to this show and I'm delighted that she does.

And she loves this song as much as I do.

This is, I mean, in a way, this song's been spoiled by two people.

First of all, Robbie Williams, who did a dreadful version of it that ended up on the end of Finding Nemo, which is a wonderful film.

And secondly, Kevin Spacey, who did the film Beyond the Sea about the man who sings this song.

I've never actually seen Beyond the Sea.

Apparently nobody has.

No, the idea of it makes me sad.

But this song is wonderful.

Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin.

My lover stands on golden sand And watches the ship that goes sail Somewhere in the sea He's now watching for me If I could fly like birds I'm high and feeling straight to run

it's near beyond the moon.

I know beyond the doubt my heart will lead me there soon.

Then the shore will kiss just as before.

Happy will be beyond the sea.

Again, never again.

You'll be under doubt My heart will lead me there soon We'll meet I know we'll meet

I got a can of drink, I got it in my hand, I'm drinking down the can of drink, now it is in my tummy, later on I'm gonna get another can of drink for myself, then I'm gonna drink the drink and it will be in my tummy with the other one.

That's the kind of rapping that Joe Strummer likes doing there.

Good rapping, that's good.

I got a pair of shoes, I'm wearing them on my feet Like a raga walking upon the street I use my shoes to keep my feet from touching on the concrete It's a good way of keeping my feet nice It's a complicated rhythm No disrespect to Joe Strummer, you know, all the class No, early days, right?

When was that record from?

That was from 1890 Exactly So there you go

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

Now we haven't done any made up jokes in a while.

Well, let's change that.

Let's have the jungle.

I'm a funny person.

I often make up jokes.

My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks.

When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree.

Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party.

Yeah, these are jokes that listeners have authored.

It's very important to realize that, yeah, these are written by real people.

The more tortured they are, the better, right?

Because we get a lot of jokes that are just a bit too good.

And that's why they're not read out.

And it's difficult.

I feel bad sometimes, because a lot of times people send in joke after joke after joke and say, you never read my jokes out.

Often they're just too good.

And we're not sort of after that.

deliberately bad jokes.

A lot of people just send us deliberately bad ones.

It's a fine line.

Do you think you've got one that meets our criteria?

Well, I've got a couple of actually good ones.

Do you want to go first?

Alright then, here's one to get you going.

This is from Ben Welling in North London.

He says, Dear Adam and Joe, I'm not usually a profoundly intelligent person, but when I made this joke up, I felt I should apply for a scholarship to Oxford.

Sadly, my friends think differently.

Question.

What is Santa's son called?

Answer, subordinate clause.

That's good.

That is very good.

That's intelligent.

That's definitely, I would let him into Oxford for that.

I mean, I would let him stay there as long as he wanted for that free.

I'd give him a free boat.

It's really good.

It's educational and funny.

Nice job laughing and thinking at once.

Subordinate.

I've never heard that before.

Subordinate clause is great.

Yeah.

You know what happens when you laugh and think at the same time?

Just silence.

Just absolute silence.

dead deathly silence is the result, which is what happened there.

Okay, here is one from Josh Lee.

He says, I know it was a while ago, so I'm not sure if the feature's still going, but I made up a joke this week.

Here's the joke.

Quotes, Russell Brand had a nightmare.

He was being chased.

Brackets, only one of my friends got this without it being explained.

Also, it doesn't work written down.

It plays on the words chased and chased, sounding the same.

There's excellent the way he's explained it.

I maintain it is genius and needs to be recognized as such.

Well, we have done so Josh.

Well done.

I think that's genuinely very, very good.

Respect delivered.

Here's a couple from Dom Lawson.

I don't know if this is Dominic Lawson.

Well, it's important.

Let's find out.

Yeah, this is Dom Lawson.

I don't think it's Dominic Lawson.

Hi Adam and Jo, I make up a lot of jokes all the time, so I struggled to work out which ones to send you.

I decided to go with two of my more ambitious ones.

They took a lot of work.

Uh oh.

Uh, joke one.

Why did Bridget Bardot anger Elvis Presley?

Answer.

Because you can make King's Cross if you're a star from Paris.

Oh my God!

That's good!

Wow, I was going to say it again but I've decided against that.

Why did Bridget Bardot anger Elvis Presley?

Why did she anger Elvis Presley?

Because you can make King's Cross

He's the king of rock and roll.

If you're a star... No, I understand it in the context of the celebrity names, but it should work on two levels, right?

So let's have a look at the second level.

What would that sentence mean without the context of the stars?

Because you can make kings cross.

I mean, the grammar is not correct, I agree.

You can make King's Cross where you work.

Well, because King's Cross and the Eurostar and Paris are all met.

Just read the punchline again.

Because you can make King's Cross if Eurostar from Paris.

That's not a feasible sentence, really.

So the second, you know... I mean, the correct way of saying it is, you can go to King's Cross on the Eurostar from Paris.

Yeah, now make a joke out of that.

And you've got your super successful joke.

I'm not bringing it down.

I'm just being pedantic.

You're very pedantic.

Well, he's got another one.

How about this?

Hey, have you heard?

I like the way he makes it conversational.

Hey, hey, you heard the idea of passing this guy in the street and him grabbing your sleeve.

Hey, hey, hey.

Get off me, freak!

You idiot!

Hey, have you heard of this new reality team?

Hey, excuse me, um...

Come on then, watch the joke.

Come on, put yourself together, man.

Okay.

Hey, have you heard of this new reality TV show where members of the British public take it in turns to try and strangle Chris Tarrant with piano wire?

It's called Britain's Garrott Tarrant.

That's good.

That is good, Dom Lawson from London.

Can we take any more?

Come on, let's have one.

Graham Webster.

Is this an old one or a made up one?

I don't know, he claims he made this one up.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?

That is old.

Is it old?

I'm not even gonna say the punchline.

It's too old to say the punchline.

Let's all say it together, listeners.

One, two, three.

Juan.

It's old.

Are you accusing Graham Webster of just that being a received joke, not an author joke?

It's too banal, though.

The punchline of Juan and the, you know, the fact that the name Juan sounds a bit like Juan, that's been used before in other comedic contexts.

This is from Jack Hughes then.

What happened when all the hospital attendants arrived at the canteen all at once?

I repeat, what happened when all the hospital attendants arrived at the canteen all at once?

They were told to form an orderly queue.

An orderly queue.

What's that?

Is that your pirate insane pirate list?

Hey, you know, I'm not gonna read the whole joke out, which might make this guy even more angry, but Ben Escott from Westcliff, he wrote the manga management joke that you wrote.

Yes, that was a good one.

And he never got props for it.

So sorry about that, Ben.

Retro props.

I'm not gonna read out your boo meringue joke.

I'll leave that one for another time.

That sounds good.

Some kind of frightening meringue.

Yeah, exactly.

Thanks for those made up jokes.

You know, keep them coming in if you feel like it.

I think you've got the idea now.

Here's some music from the Animal Collective.

This is Summertime Clothes.

There you go.

That's Animal Collective with Summertime Clothes.

That's being released as a single at the end of June.

And you can see Animal Collective headlining the park stage at Glastonbury on a Saturday night.

We'll be able to see that, Joe.

Yeah, we're going to be at Glastonbury, we think, listeners.

Is it premature to say that?

Yeah, we're not going to be at Glastonbury listeners.

No way.

Yeah, but we could, I mean, the likelihood is that we would want to go there as punters.

Yeah, we're not, like, not in an official capacity, James.

I wasn't saying that.

I'm just saying that Adam and I have got tickets for Glastonbury and Wicked, we're gonna, we might go.

That's a nice job, man.

Thanks, man.

I really saved the day, though.

Listen, what do you know about Schooly D, Adam?

Schooly D. He was the head of the... He was the education secretary in the 80s.

Correct.

Schooly D was the head of the education department in the 1980s, along with his sidekick DJ Code Money, who was head of the money department.

Yeah.

That's a good name, isn't it?

DJ Code Money.

Code Money.

What does that mean?

Yeah.

Money is a sort of a code.

Anyway, this is a free play coming up from Schooly D, living in a jungle.

He's featured on a lot of Abel Ferrara films, Schooly D. King of New York and Bad Lieutenant.

That's where you might have heard him if you're a movie fan.

How old is Abel Ferrara?

167.

He must be very old.

I mean, it seems strange to me that a man... He's actually a young man, but he's so grizzled.

How old was he when he made King of New York?

I've no idea, you know.

I don't know.

In truth, I think he is.

Yeah, he's getting on now.

He's getting on.

Weird that he would be into that kind of music.

I mean, there's no reason why he shouldn't be.

He's a hipster.

He's an absolute hipster.

He's a New York underground man.

Anyway, Schooly D's brilliant.

He's got such a unique sort of sparse rhythmic thing going on and a really good little vocal style as well with a really cool kind of effect on his voice that I like a lot.

Wicked.

This is Schooly D with Living in a Jungle.

That mixes very well into Alphabet Street by Prince if you want to do a disco mix.

No thanks.

That was Daft Punk with Daft Punk.

This is Adam and Joe here on Six Music.

Now presumably, Joe, you've gone out and you bought your copy of Bob Dylan's new album.

Of course.

Yeah, you would have done that on the first day.

Well, I can't even remember what his new album's called.

I've got it.

I mean, look at that one.

It's called Look What I Found in That Bin.

I've dropped my keys, is what it's called.

No, I'm not rummaging around for sandwiches.

I dropped my keys.

It's called Together Through Life.

And for a time, it was certainly number one in the States for a while.

I think maybe it was even number one here, too.

He's done pretty well for, what is he, Septogenarian now or something?

Must be.

He is soldiering on.

And I don't know, is that, I hope there's no, because he was ill for a while, right?

And he got over that illness a few years back.

Like he was teetering on the edge there in an upsetting way, but I'm very glad to say he bounced back.

But is there something actually wrong with his throat?

I don't think so.

I think that's just the way he sounds now, right?

Have you heard him sing recently?

Not really.

I'm a bit of a know-nothing.

You're not up on your bobo.

I was thinking about maybe playing a clip of how he sounds, but instead I've done a song, which more or less illustrates exactly what Bob Dylan sounds like nowadays.

Here it is.

I've got a problem this bad throat And I've been searching for a lousy inch I don't mind if it's a black current one

But I'd object if it was orange Last night I caught a nasty shock I caught something really scary It had been there since the sixties It had legs and it could speak Which I don't think is ordinary

I'm too busy to buy throat sweets for myself I got crappy gigs to play and roads to travel Maybe I'll revisit Highway 6-1 Drink a cup of dust and eat a lot of gravel

It's so amazing that a legendary oldster like me still gets up on stage and Boogie's kind of the people in the audience throw lozenges to me and in return I let them have my loogies

Wow.

I didn't really I didn't realize it was so lozinger oriented.

It's all about lozenges.

He's fixated on lozenges and no surprises because you're right.

He has got a very pronounced distinct vocal style there that does smack of throttle problems.

Yeah.

And it sounds as if he's singing through an anaconda style baro based tracheotomy.

That's right.

You may well be, for all I know.

I mean, I haven't got, I can play you a clip, we haven't got any recent Bob Dylan on the system, but I can play you a clip just off my laptop here, if you want.

Lapel-topple.

Here we go.

Nice.

Where is he?

Actually, that's one of the good ones where he's in fairly good voice.

It's still sounding quite throaty, but throatiness can be, you know, can give a lot of character, can't it, you know?

Yeah, but there's character and then there's just like an insane level of croakiness.

Or it's getting into muppet areas as well, isn't it?

It's getting into kind of puppet territory.

Right.

Which is a good way for an older person to go because, you know, you start looking like someone out of the dark crystal.

He really does look like Skeksis, doesn't he?

That's what he looks like.

Someone should drape him, you know, drape some Hessian across his back to give him a little knoll stick.

Yeah, there's probably a couple of sort of beardy Californians underneath him all the time moving him around.

Yes.

Someone should, when are they going to make labyrinths too?

Because they could save money on puppets just by putting all those old rock stars in there anyway.

Yeah, get Bowie back in because Bowie's pretty craggly now as well.

He looks like a marionette.

But Bowie's voice, I mean, what's he doing with his voice these days?

I haven't heard Bowie's voice for a while.

Well, he, uh,

He's sort of fairly squeaky sometimes as well.

He sounds a lot like... I think he still sounds pretty much like he used to.

He's a little more pompy and operatic.

Maybe he doesn't hit so many high notes as he used to.

But Dilbo, he is gargling with... Dilbo bobbins.

Dilbo bobbins.

He's gargling with cactuses there.

Sounds good.

It's absolutely insane.

It's a good rendition.

You should do a duet with him.

You know, I'd love to.

If he's listening... It's going to happen.

I think it's almost guaranteed to happen.

You know, what I haven't heard is him doing his theme time radio things, which are supposed to be brilliant.

He works for this station.

Of course he does.

Can I get some copies?

Because everyone says how amazing they are.

I still haven't heard them.

It's ludicrous.

Does he record those in New York?

In America.

We can go to America.

We could swap.

Can't we do some kind of swap?

Why don't we do a swap?

We could go, we could do a three show.

He could do our show.

Yeah.

It's time for Texas Nation.

That would be good.

I bet he's got some funny stories about it.

This week, rifling through bin.

You never guess what I found last week.

Sandwich, half eaten.

But it was good, still good.

It was fine.

Here's the ting tings.

That was Ting Tings with Great DJ, fun fact.

That was actually written about Joe Cornish.

Yeah, that's true, actually, because they think I'm such a great DJ.

And all the lyrics are about Joe and it's about Joe, isn't that amazing?

It's a big hit as well.

Flattering.

What's it like to have a song written about you by the Ting Tings?

Boring.

Yeah, I mean, I'm tired of it.

I don't care.

Yeah.

We're going back to text the nation now and we have another jingle that's been created by a listener.

Can I just say I wish I was Nick Grimshaw.

Do you know Grimmy?

Oh sure, yeah.

He's on keyboard.

I was in the hairdresser the other day and every man in there was having his hair done like Grimmy.

How would you describe the Grimshaw cut?

Grimmy's got curly hair.

And he has it sort of short at the back and the sides and then kind of crazy and floppy at the front.

I was listening to him on the radio this morning before I came in.

He just seems like the man of the moment.

Grimmy.

Yeah.

The Grimshaw.

I want a little nickname like that.

Jobo, job, jobsies.

You've got loads.

Jobbles.

Jaycorn.

What's wrong with Jaycorn?

Well then, then I need better hair.

I don't know, he's just, just, there's something about grimy.

I'll tell you what, there is about grimy that you want.

He's 20 years younger than you.

That's what it is.

I'm not sure that he is, though.

He's cool.

I think he's 20 years older than me.

Really?

He just looks really, really good.

He's the man.

He's got a lackadaisical attitude.

Are you taking Grimshaw over Steve Jones?

Oh, yeah.

I'm not, no disrespect to Steve Jones, but ever since he's turned up on yachts in the Caribbean with actresses from Heroes, I mean, you've left the planet.

With Jonesy, that always seemed as if it was the plan.

You know, he's too good looking to be in the mud with the rest of us.

I don't know.

Something about T4 gets on my nips.

It's too lackadaisical.

It's like they throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Where it's grimy.

I don't know, grimy's just got a certain something.

Grimbles.

Grimbles at Christmas.

Yeah, he's great.

He could do anything.

And he's the king of plaid shirts as well.

He pretty much... He's got the look.

He invented it.

Skinny jeans, the plaid shirts.

I wish he was jamming in my book.

He could be.

He could easily be.

We'll hook you up.

Okay.

So listen, text the nation.

We've got a jingle that was sent in by a listener whose name is Ben Wizard.

And this is what Ben's come up with.

That barbershop quartet would not last long.

No, there's something a bit disturbing about that type of music.

It's a bit like the closing credits of The Shining or, you know, the flying pickets and fascinating Aida and that kind of thing.

He's using a technique known as not so close harmony.

Not that close harmony.

Slightly troubling.

Thanks a lot, Ben, though.

That was good.

Yeah.

That sounded sort of dismissive and patronile.

That was good.

But I meant it.

Thanks, Ben.

Text the Nation this week is about things you do when you're home alone.

You got some messages there, Joe?

Yeah, John Smith from London.

And yeah, this is stuff that you do when all your cohabities and your partner leaves you to go away and you're stuck at home alone, just like what you said.

Home alone.

Yeah.

This is from John Smith from London.

He says, I tend to buy some red wine, watch the notebook, then go to bed, distraught and inconsolable.

What's the notebook?

Well, the notebook is a film.

It's one of those very romantic films.

I haven't seen it, but girls are really into it.

The notebook, it's super romantic.

I don't know what happens in it, but someone must die.

I guess somebody dies and I guess he or she writes something very compelling.

I'm just making this up in a notebook.

There might be time travel involved.

Or is that the Richard Gere one?

That's the lake house, isn't it?

Oh, the lake house.

I haven't seen that one either, and that's another very popular weepy one.

Can't be popular, can't.

That's one of the worst films ever made.

No, people love The Lake House.

Bullocks.

But people love The Notebook even more.

Sandra Bullocks and Keanu.

But that's a man doing that, so he's indulging in kind of, you know... Lady behavior.

Lady, lady behavior.

Yeah, super emotional lady behavior.

It can be fun.

Sometimes I do that.

Sometimes I do a bit of lady behavior.

I have a special bath.

Do you, with scented candles?

They light a load of candles.

Yes.

And lie there, put some petals.

To what?

Petals.

Petals?

From a flower.

Put some petals in the bath.

Put some petals in my flower.

Really?

Have a special bath.

I bet they look brilliant bobbing next to your pits.

Disturb the surface of the petals with a little airborne toxic event.

This is one from Jan Hi Adam and Joe my girlfriend just left yesterday for a few days to Germany and I felt exactly like Joe I bought steaks chocolates and cigarettes brackets I quit a while ago because of her and consumed everything almost at once then watched four episodes of Battlestar Galactica During which I felt very sick.

I suddenly realized that without her.

I probably wouldn't live very long This is the thing isn't it's very true your mortality.

You suddenly realize my god, you know that

Woman really actually keeps me fit and healthy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know all your parameters go out the window, don't they?

I've been in almost exactly that situation.

Who is that from?

Jan.

Jan, I can totally relate.

I had one of those evenings where I thought, I'm going to watch Alien.

I like to watch Alien once a year, right?

Right.

And I thought, oops, sorry.

I can't even get in the bin.

I'm going to have to fish around in a bit.

It's just an excuse.

So Joe can get the sandwich that Yare left in the bin earlier on.

Now I was having my alien night, right?

I thought I'm going to watch Alien tonight.

I'm going to project it onto the wall as well.

I'm going to do it the whole nine yards.

I'm going to get a delicious Indian takeaway.

The first alien.

Yeah.

Even the director's cut, which is shorter than the theatrical one.

Brilliant.

Can't beat it.

And I'm going to make myself a gin and tonic.

You know seven gin and tonics later pretty much on the floor and I can't see I can't move to switch the DVD off and I just feel like an absolute disgrace I'm totally out of control and you feel sort of humiliated and then you can't do any work the next morning You feel so awful the whole day the only way the only thing to do then is just keep it rolling

That's the only tactic there, just keep going.

Keep going.

Yeah, here's one from Lucian Barking.

Whenever my boyfriend goes away, I buy the most sugary cereal I can find and live off it until he gets back.

The TV also seems to get stuck on ITV2 or Living.

I'm always quite relieved when he comes home, so this behaviour has to stop.

There you go, you see, that's what relationships are about, policing each other.

Parameters, imposing parameters.

Well, just having a person that brings out the best in you, you want to be your best for that person.

There's a lot of talk about performing various ablutions with the door open.

Oh yeah.

People find that very liberating, not having to close doors.

You know, there's no chance someone's going to walk past and catch you in the act of various private business.

Phil says I'm not allowed to run up the stairs normally so if she's not there and I need the toilet I go down to the garage so that I can run up the flight of stairs the euphoria builds gradually as I approach the top steps fists clenched I shout yes in your face

What kind of relationship is that, Phil?

I don't know, troubling.

That's terrible.

Listen, we've got a few more of these before the end of the show.

Do keep them coming in if you wish.

The text number is 64046, or you can email AdamandJoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Here's the special AKA with Too Much Too Young.

That was Big Star sounding very much like Teenage Fan Club.

I guess it's the other way around though, wasn't it?

September Girls.

That was his Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Now I feel as if I was let down by London this week, Jo.

Oh dear.

because I was out on my bike yesterday, rattling along, and when I got home, I realised that one of my saddlebags was no longer on my bike.

Uh-oh.

It had bounced the heck off and was just lying somewhere in South London.

Let down by London.

No one yelled at me or tried to alert me or come after me.

And let me know, now, I should say at this point, and... Were you cycling with your headphones in?

I was, but... Well, there you go, so if... Well, don't go, there you go, Torpedo Commander Cornish, because... I'm just saying that you might not have heard them.

Maybe they shouted at you and you couldn't hear them.

Yeah, but... Is that a terrible thing to suggest?

Well... Obviously, it is a bit.

A little bit, because I don't have my music that loud, because I do want to be aware of other road users, and I do want to be aware if someone does shout at me, like a cop or something.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

So I don't have my music that loud, but I was certainly not aware of anyone trying to get my attention.

And the other thing would be, why couldn't they hail a taxi and pursue you at their own cost?

Exactly.

What was in the bag?

I'll tell you exactly what was in the bag.

I had a front light that I'd just purchased.

Price around about 20 pounds.

A really nice rear light, 40 pounds.

Expensive set of waterproof trousers for the unreliable weather we've been having recently.

Cost?

Cost around about 60 pounds.

60 pounds for waterproof trousers.

Really nice cortex trousers.

Really?

They like a diving suit.

Actually, watertight.

This is what you need to let your skin breathe and protect you from the moisture.

60 quid.

a nice mini pump hang on what's the what have we got so far i mean that's over over over over 150 quid 60 quid for the track mini pump mini pump 15 quid set of audio adapters and connectors i would say in toto probably worth around about 20 quid

You know, things like leads.

Phonos.

Phono, Jackson, converters, stuff like that.

Converters.

Splitters.

BNC converter, that sort of thing.

BNC to phono converter.

Oh, I love a BNC to phono converter.

It was gold as well.

9-pin DIN.

It was gold plated.

Oh, HDMI.

1080p.

Yeah, I like to carry them around if I'm doing a gig and people don't have the right connections.

Lost.

There were some sweets in

there that I'd snaffled from a post-production house.

I'd just done a VO, just done a voiceover, that's what we call them in the industry VO.

And I came out, you know they had those big bowls of sweets in post-production houses sometimes, sweets in the audio suites.

And so I went through there and I had a chewy Maoam bar

And the very beautiful receptionist lady recommended her favourite flavour to me.

I was trying it for the first time.

It was a wonderful moment and I was going to celebrate by eating it later on.

I had a new twist.

I've never had a twist before.

It's like a Cadbury's cream egg in the form of a chocolate one.

I had a caramel in there.

Not the whole, but they're like, you know, what an amazing bag.

Yeah.

All fun.

All lost.

And finally, I had a little makeup cover stick in there as well.

Oh, did you?

For taking out the spots.

Yeah.

Really?

You know, I very seldom... They never work, you know.

They're never the correct skin colour.

No, this one was perfect.

They always show up, was it?

It was ab... It'd taken me years to find the right... I spent most of my teenage years with very pale blobs all over my face.

You were Mr. Witch Hazel, weren't you?

I tried everything.

When I went through his body squares.

I had the perfect shade.

What an amazing bag of stuff.

I reckon there's that same tramp who we've been discussing all this morning.

Celebrating with his cortex.

He's got really lucky, yeah, because he's found this bag of goodies.

He's got the twists.

He's got the... It's just the connectors I need.

I don't know if I should have the mow arm now or the twist.

My trousers are so waterproof.

I'm going dancing in the fountain today.

He's gonna have a party, that guy.

That hobo.

No one came after me!

BUCKY LEEZ!

YOU'VE DROPPED YOUR... PANIA!

It wasn't a penia, it was a saddlebag.

You've dropped your saddlebag!

Because I thought I was in the black in the karma bank, right?

I found that guy's wallet a few weeks ago.

You're the man who says, in the past, I seem to remember you saying that anything that falls on the ground is public property.

No, when did I say that?

We had a discussion about things you found.

Oh, money, money, yeah.

Yeah, and generally the rule was if it's on the ground, it's anybody's.

You were saying that that was true in a shop, that if like you were in WH Smith's and a magazine has fallen out of the rack onto the floor, it's free.

I think that's how I tried to justify walking out with some chewing gum that I found in WH Smith when I was 11.

I learned my lesson.

My dad told me off and he burned the chewing gum.

Thanks for reminding me of that very traumatic incident.

Well, if you've seen Bucky Lee's bag, then please return it to BBC Six Music and you'll be rewarded with what?

Man, I could do all sorts of things.

Man, seriously, big rewards.

Big rewards.

If you get all my stuff back to me, all right?

Here's a free play for you right now.

This is a wonderful band that the writer Graham Linehan introduced me to, and it's guided by voices.

This is Watch Me Jumpstart.

Yes, it's Text the Nation Time listeners and this week it's all about stuff you do when your cohabitees, be they your partner or your wife and kids or your, you know, student mates, go away and leave you in the house alone overnight

And you do things that are kind of illicit and exciting and secret.

Can you remember the first time you were left alone?

Can you remember how old you were?

When you were left alone by your parents?

No, not without lots of thinking.

I think I must have been about, erm... I must have been about 16?

Right.

I think.

My wife's calling me.

Why is she doing calling me in the middle of the show?

Talk to her.

I've let her leave a message now.

I mean, that's... She's got no respect.

She's got none respect.

She has got no respect.

Do you want me to have a word with her?

She should be... Yeah, do you want to call her back?

No.

No, not on air.

Because I'll be very sweary.

Anyway, yeah, I think I must have been about 16 when they left.

And you came around, I think.

Remember the House of Clapper?

Right, yes.

And we just watched loads of video nasties and stuff.

Fun.

It was pretty fun.

That's always fun.

But it's not the same when you're a groany old person.

No.

Well, I don't know.

Not judging by some of these correspondences, what we've got.

Tom in Liverpool says, for me, the best thing about my girlfriend being away is the ability to snore with impunity.

I cough, snore, break wind, do whatever I want, and I never have to hear, oh, shut you.

You disgust me.

That's what he's written.

Oh, shut you.

You disgust me.

I think he might have made a typing error.

Here's one from Karen, but that's true, isn't it?

To be able to let air out of your body from whichever passage it wants to calm.

However noisily you wish.

Yeah, that's liberating, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Yeah, not to be rolled over.

Because I'm not a massive snorer, but on the very rare occasion that I do snore.

I get very indignant when I get woken up.

Because if my wife is snoring, which she does occasionally, we all do every now and again, I'll put my earplugs in because I respect her right to sleep, unpunished.

There's no question of her wearing earplugs.

She taps me, you're doing it again.

Roll over on your side.

You're doing it again.

Can you wake up?

Weird, that happens exactly the other way around in my relationship.

Because my girlfriend does snort a lot.

And even with the earplugs in it, vibrates the bear.

I'm like Eve Lynn Glenny or whatever she's called.

I pick it all up through vibrations.

And I have to do that.

I poke her.

I've considered cellotaping a wooden cube to the small of her back.

Yes, that's one of the ways doing it.

I've never got to do it, but I swear that's the solution.

So every time she tries to sleep on her back, it's, ow!

She has to go back on her side.

It will come to that.

Yeah.

No, I can appreciate it.

It can split couples up, snoring.

This is one from Karen.

I left my husband simply to go to work.

And when I came back, he had constructed a pulley system to catch next door's cat.

It involved a broom, sticky tape, and lots of string.

My husband was sat in a cupboard holding the end of the pulley.

So she's only left the house for a couple of hours and he's put that together.

He must have had the plans already though.

Sounds cool.

You reckon he designed it, Heath Robinson style.

Definitely.

Robin Birmingham says often if I watch a film at home on my own and I've really enjoyed it I start to discuss it out loud at the end as if I'm on one of the extra features tapped on the end of the DVD.

I often have to stop myself, though, as I admit it could sound odd if the neighbours heard it.

Wow, that certainly... You shouldn't censor yourself, Rob.

I'd chat away.

Yeah.

That's one of the things I miss about VHS.

When Adam and I used to rent VHSs from his local video shop, we used to often audio dub them.

Yes.

You know VHSs would have an audio dub button?

Exactly.

We'd often change some of the audio then return them to the shop to give the next renter a bit of a surprise.

You can't do that at all on DVDs can you?

Well that's the sort of thing Rob could do but you can't do that on DVDs, no.

I mean you could laboriously copy them onto another DVD and then put your own audio file on them.

Yeah.

But it would be more effort than just pressing audio dub like you did in the old days.

There was a distribution company called Hokusin, wasn't there, in front of one of the... Was it Turkey Shoot that we were watching?

Possibly.

We used to re-sing the jingles.

Hokusin video.

What a super show.

Watch them come and go with your favourite movies.

Superman, Star Wars, Emmanuel and 3D.

That was how it went.

We dubbed it over.

Oh, those are the days.

Here's one from Steph Dalton.

When I am at my boyfriend's house, and his housemates aren't in, I like to sit on the sofa with my bum out.

Don't ask me why, because I don't know.

I just have to do it when I'm there and they're not.

What does she mean with her bum out?

Does she mean just- Wait.

I just pull my trousers, stroke leggings, stroke skirt down, just so my bottom is hanging out, and I just sit there and chillax.

Love you both, big time saucy.

And then about 15 kisses.

Steph Dalton, office administrator, perfect installation limited.

Shouldn't say the name of Raine in Essex.

Why not?

I haven't given her a dress or anything.

I've just identified her in a way that people that know her.

You can know that when they're not there, that's what she does!

Sorry Steph, you didn't say like, she loves us.

She loves us.

Love you both big time.

That's gonna be pinned up on the board, the transcript of that.

My skirt and my leggings.

Here's a good one from Patrick Impana.

This can be the last one.

from Patrick and Barnard.

I mean that's a whole different conversation actually stuff like we used to build big networks of tunnels with tables and duvets and I mean stuff that kids can do when they're at Liberty in a house.

You say you don't no longer do this now that you're growing.

I know I haven't built a network of tunnels in my front room for

Why mistake should get to it We used to turn all the lights on you had to crawl through them and your friends would be like a ghost train Yeah, people would is she back already or have you got another night?

I've got another night Yeah, come on tonight's the night.

Should I build some tunnels build some tunnels get the duvets out be like no I'm all over again

Thank you so much for all your texts and emails.

We really appreciate it.

Don't forget you can email us during the week if you'd like to contribute to retro textination on this subject for next week's podcast.

But don't text us during the week because they vanish into the ether.

Here's the Pixies now.

And if you're a Pixies fan, you might

do well to go onto Vimeo and you can type in Frank Black and Portland Rock School, I think.

There's a video of Frank Black singing Where Is My Mind with all these sort of 14-year-old school children at the Portland School of Rock in Oregon in the United States.

It's very touching indeed and he really does a good version of it.

And the children are playing really well as well.

Anyway, here's the original.

This is the Pixies.

That's good on so many levels.

If you had to count the levels, it would be at least 16 or 17 levels of goodness.

And that end as well.

For a crowd to be singing along to that track when the Pixies play live or whatever, it's just the most fun thing to sing, to make that noise.

Did you read all the emails this week, Adam?

I read as many as I could.

Did you see the one from Ross Target?

I think I did.

What did Ross say?

I hope you read this out.

I love the show, particularly Adam.

In fact, Adam, I love you lots.

My number is... Oh, I did read that.

I was not planning on... Call me as soon as possible.

God love you, Mr. Buxton.

By hearing your voice every Saturday morning, you send a shiver down my spine.

You pleasure every fiber of my being.

I long for you.

I am yours and you are mine.

I await you, darling.

Shut up.

I didn't read that bit.

Joe's OK, too.

Ross Target.

Is that all real?

Yeah.

I didn't really.

I stopped reading after the phone.

What about that?

Is Ross a lady or a man?

And does that matter to you?

It doesn't matter.

I'll take it where I can get it.

It doesn't matter.

Text!

We got a lot of correspondence as well about the fact that some people had seen on CSI.

Is it CSI New York or one of the CSIs?

Miami, one of those.

I never actually sat through a whole episode of CSI.

But there was some Stevenage on there.

Well, there was a guy, there was a plot, and lots of people emailed us about this, there was a plot about some kind of serial killer or nutbag who had set up his own kind of church.

Yes, as Joe says, many, many people emailed.

This is just one message we got.

This is from Duncan in Warminster.

Dear Adam and Joe, have you guys been secretly writing for US crime drama CSI?

If not, they've heard of Stephen too.

This week's CSI featured the death of a kind of monk fella called Stephen who operated the Church of Stephen, later named the Church of George after Stephen's real name marks death.

Oh dear, how did it go very well?

No, that came badly.

Brackets, deadly.

They are absolutely deadly brackets.

not only this but he had a tattoo of himself now somebody sent in pictures of this and it was fantastic did he have he had steven tattooed on his front and then when he turned around there was sort of scales on the back and it said basically he is coming yeah i am come

He said that the guy had a tattoo of his back on his chest and his front on his back.

So listen, as much as we try to curtail or suppress the Steven phenomena, is that overdoing it to call it a phenomena?

Phenomenon.

No, that is overdoing it.

We can't suppress it, it's rising up in the minds of the public and in places like CSI.

There were reports of several at all tomorrow's party sounded respectful.

It's nice If you've never heard this show before you don't know what we're on about Steven is a thing that someone's actually done a terrific animation.

Haven't they is that on our blog yet?

No, not yet What to keep an eye on the on the six music site because we'll put it up.

There's already one up there There are several films on YouTube that that give you the source of the Steven phenomenon and on but the shortened version is that if you're in public and you shout Steven and then someone shouts just coming and

then you know that they listen to this show as well.

So if you're out there and you hear someone shouting, Steven!

Then you have to shout, just coming!

Otherwise, you know, you're letting everyone down.

Get in terrible trouble.

Absolutely.

I got a couple this week.

Did you?

Yeah, I returned them.

I don't get any anymore.

I think I've made enough of a point of the fact that I live in fear of it.

You're too grumpy about it.

Yeah.

So listen, is that it then?

What are we going to do now?

My free play.

You got your free play?

Yeah, this is a guy who is one of Roots Maneuvers Banana Clan.

Ah.

So he's a South East London MC type fella called Jimmy Screech.

And this song is called Let's Get Moving.

There you go, that's a little bit of Jimmy Screech.

I don't know much about him, but I really like that song.

That's very good.

Thanks.

I enjoyed that one very much.

Let's get moving.

That's pretty much it for our show.

We were talking though, just before we go, we were talking about urinal etiquette last week, just to end on a classy note.

That is sophisticated.

It would be nice to do a little sophisticated link about urinals.

Here's a message that we got from a lady who's called confusingly Den.

I didn't know ladies could be called Den.

A woman?

A woman.

She says, dear Adam and Jo, think again if you think that ladies don't suffer the same problem inside the cubicle just like men at the urinal.

I was talking about the fact that sometimes you go into a urinal and you get stage fright.

You know, it's very hard to do your business when there's other large men standing next to you.

She says, what I particularly hate is when a friend offers to accompany you to the loo and insists on having a conversation with you.

Whilst you're expected to be doing your numero uno, it is impossible.

I usually find I have to wait for them to finish and flush and then only then in that brief period of flushing noise can I relax enough to go.

A number two doesn't even bear thinking about.

It's also stressful if there's an enormous cue and you feel the time pressure.

I find the best way to relax is to stick my fingers in my ears and think of fast flowing rivers.

Maybe I'm just insane.

Now, I don't think you are, Dan.

That's a good technique, and I'm going to try it.

That's something that everyone can try this Saturday night and over the bank holiday weekend.

The weekend.

It's exciting, something for people to look forward to.

Ah, it's going to be a good weekend this weekend.

It's all working up to me being able to call it the weekend.

Nice.

Thank you very much.

Hey, thanks to everybody who's texted an email.

Then listen, don't forget there'll be a podcast version of this show available on probably Tuesday, seeing as there's a bank holiday.

And you can listen again at any point via the BBC iPlayer.

We'll be back at the same time next Saturday from 9am till noon.

Liz Kershaw's taking over.

We're going to leave you with the hottest band right now, right?

They sort of taken over from Fleet Foxes as the kind of

soulful, hippie, fackwoods, psychedelic, lunars, grizzly bear.

Take care, have a great week, I love you, bye!