The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (09 May 2009)

morning cut them some slack because they they appeared in the BBC staff magazine aerial this week all right which is the equivalent around here of I don't know winning an Oscar or bringing about world peace or something so um if they do seem a little bit full of themselves cut them some slack they've had a good week they're pictured with loads of members of black squadron so there's a few of you will be listening right now who should be bigging up themselves as well have been part of that

So those guys are waiting in the wings, ready to go.

They'll be here in about three of your Earth minutes.

I've got time enough for one last record before I go.

This is the Hold Steady.

It's called You Can Make Him Like You.

I'll catch you tomorrow morning at seven, bright and early.

Make sure you join me there.

Hello and welcome to the big British castle.

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in between.

Always catch the beginning of the show Flag squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the one, black squadron roll Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron's power

Good morning, Black Squadron.

You are the elite that tune into the Adam and Jo programme on BBC Six Music live from the very start of the show on a Saturday morning.

Yes, from 9 till 9.30.

We hope you're poised and ready for your command.

I'm going to give Adam three commands there.

They're at the top of the page there.

I always pick the worst one, though.

Just pick a number.

Don't say the command.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, I'm a big fan of number three.

Are you sure?

You always say that, but it makes me insecure about... Well, I've always got a favourite.

I quite like number two.

But we can do that next week.

Yeah, but it's bad for the cholesterol.

Black Squadron members are standing by to implement this command.

Are you ready?

It's quite a boring command though, isn't it?

No, it's a good command.

It's a good, useful command.

Yeah, we're going to go straight into another record after this command.

Oh, hey.

Yeah.

Can I just say before you give the command, Yare, thank you so much Yare for... I mean, he's so... He's a lovely man.

He's a lovely man to inherit the airwaves from.

It's such a great start to the morning, isn't it?

Coming in and seeing Yare.

Yeah, exactly.

He's always such fun.

He's lent us comic books.

We always have a good chit chat.

He's a smiley chap.

He handed me an email that came into his show from Matthew Adam Barry in Sheffield that says, Bonjour Adam and Joe.

So this is an email that Yare got.

I have a question.

Does Black Squadron have a ranking system?

For example, I woke up at seven today so I could get stuff done before your show even starts.

Am I still Black Squadron or am I something else like the elite noir or am I just a sad freak?

I mean... There's already about 20 different subdivisions of the squadrons.

I think we have to keep it simple.

There's rivalry between squadrons.

Plus, you know, why wouldn't you want to listen to Yarae's show?

You can't just add yourself into an extra squadron.

That's very cavalier.

Yeah, that's Yarae's squadron.

We ready for the command, then?

Ready for the command.

Black squadron, tidy it up!

That's the Lemonheads with It's a Shame About Ray.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

It's a great pleasure to be with you.

Yeah, don't forget that coming up quite soon, in fact, we're going to be unveiling our Song Wars songs.

Oh, yeah.

Which are on the theme of The Apprentice this week.

We'll be playing them at about half past, maybe a little bit later, and then again at the very end of the programme, which is more of a threat than anything, really, isn't it?

Yeah, are we really going to do that?

We're going to play them twice.

Well, let's see how it goes.

Yeah, yeah, let's see how it goes.

It was tough, man.

I had a tough week, didn't you?

It was tough for both of us.

Oh my gosh.

I spent ages on mine.

It was ludicrous.

I only finished it about midnight last night.

Really?

Yeah, I feel ill.

Well, there we go.

That's going to be exciting, though.

Good episode of The Apprentice this week, though.

Oh, it was brilliant.

And I heard Moyles, Chris Moyles talk, because I listen to Moyles in the days when I take the children to school.

I alternate.

Sometimes it's the- Nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not saying it is.

Or is it?

No, it isn't.

It isn't.

Some days I listen to, check this out for so eclectic, right?

Check this out for so eclectic, right?

Check all the, all the eclecticism of this out, right?

Mr. Man, check this out for so eclectic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, foot, foot, foot, yeah.

I foot it four, four, four, foot it!

I scratched up my own sentence!

Foot it four, four, four, foot it!

Check it out!

What does that mean?

Foot it four, four, four, foot it!

No idea.

Doesn't, you don't know.

No idea what that means.

Sometimes I listen to the Today program.

I like that program as well.

And then sometimes I listen to Moyles because, depending on how I'm feeling, you know, because Moyles has got the music and he's got the chitchat.

Sometimes Moyles has got the edge on John Humphreys, in my opinion.

Anyway, he was chatting about The Apprentice this week, but he was quite cruel about what's her name, The Lady with the Glasses.

Oh yes.

What is her name?

I always forget the name.

I've no idea.

Just The Lady with the Glasses is good.

Yeah, yeah.

He was being really unkind about her looks.

Right.

That's not very good, is it?

That's off, isn't it?

You don't really want to be unkind about people's looks, because it's hard to change them.

Also... I mean, people are born with them, and it's true.

It's wrong to be nasty about things that people can't choose.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a general rule, isn't it?

Maybe we should write Moyles a letter.

Uh-huh.

Because, you know, that's not very good.

That's true.

A fo-fo-fo-fo-fo!

What was it?

I forgot what it was.

Check this out.

He needs to be told that in his face.

What were you building up to though?

So he was he's rude about her faces.

That's it.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

He shouldn't have been rude about her face.

That was my point I was building up to.

Yeah, don't be rude about faces.

You know, because he's a powerful man, Moyles.

He's got the ear of many of the listeners of the United Kingdom.

He does.

And he needs to treat that ear more responsibly.

You know, he's set a good example about people's faces.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's important that was said.

That's my point, you know what I mean?

Okay, so here's a free play for you listeners.

Now this turned up on Pitchfork magazine's top hundred best tracks of last year.

That's a vital list.

Have you ever checked it out?

No.

That is a good list.

What is Pitchfork magazine?

It's an American sort of indie music mag.

Online or a thing you can hold in your hand?

You can get it in your hands, I think.

I might be wrong about that, but I've only ever checked it out.

Oh, very retrograde.

It's extremely retrograde.

The trees are saffoning.

But this is a track that was in their Top 100 from last year.

It's by Amadou and Mariam, who are both blind and they're from Mali, right?

And I think that this has been remixed by someone.

It's a track called Sabali, and it features that thing.

Oh, the four, four, four, four foot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We better just play it and I can talk about it afterwards.

It's good.

I hope you enjoy it.

I was playing that in the car the other day with the children, and they were enjoying it, but they wanted to know what he was saying.

And I felt bad about explaining that he was saying, I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me?

It's difficult to explain that to a five-year-old.

Well, yes, you need to establish sort of... It's hard to express, but he's being profoundly ironic.

Yeah.

And it's hard to explain irony to somebody.

What's the opposite of irony?

Sincerity.

It's hard to explain irony to someone who doesn't yet fully understand sincerity.

Well, exactly.

A five-year-old is just about getting his head round the concept of lying and stuff.

How irresponsible of you to play such music.

The devil's music.

Yeah, the devil's music to impressionable children.

Well, it is good stuff, you know, and I was hoping that they wouldn't concentrate on the lyrics that much.

I've got a free play coming up for the kids.

Yeah.

For the little kids in a second, haven't I?

Can we play that next?

I've got a free play at the end of the show.

We don't have to James, if that makes you panic.

This is a show especially designed to entertain children today.

Anyway, that was Beck with Louis.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Yeah, we had an exciting call here at 6 Music yesterday.

Adam from the news at 10.

Oh.

We were called, I wasn't called, but the lady in the press office was called by Nina Na Na Na.

Yes, who is a famous reporter on the news at 10.

She does the showbiz, doesn't she?

She does all the important, all the critical, all the breaking news.

That's the sound of her being picked up by an ambulance.

That's a showbiz car.

She just drives around to all the showbiz hotspots.

Wow.

Anyway, she phoned up.

That was his sincere wow.

Wow.

She phoned up because they were doing a piece on Joanna Lumley.

Right.

On how culturally significant she is, of course, because she's been bullying politicians this week, demonstrating the power of celebrity over callow politicians.

And they were doing a piece on her cultural impact.

And they'd stumbled on my La La La Lumley song on the internet.

Right.

And they said, would I do an interview on Lumlee for the news at 10?

No!

We want to come to 6th Music, interview Joe, play a song.

What's happened to the news at 10?

Well, it's sharpened up its act.

Has it?

It's becoming more popular.

Stepped up to a whole new level.

Yeah, it's trying to reach young, funky people.

I'm like me.

Young funky 40 year olds.

So you know what I said?

What did you say?

I was frightened of being interviewed.

I thought I'd look like a big ponce.

A big wally.

Yeah.

So I said, nah.

Plus Adam, I don't want to get involved in politics.

Do you not?

Yeah, I don't get dragged in.

Why do you hate Gurkhas?

No, because I would lose control and I'd rant about the new runway he throw about the DNA database.

I'd go off on a terrible politically provocative rant.

They're erasing innocent people's names from the DNA database.

There's a couple of them for a week or so.

Let's not get into that.

So you were worried that you would use the whole thing as a soapbox for your outrageous political views?

Yeah, which obviously they'd be able to edit it so that they wouldn't.

But I know in one way or another I would have made an idiot a whole of myself.

So I backed away from that opportunity.

But I was very excited.

That's what they were hoping for.

They would use the song.

I thought, wow, that's going to be amazing.

The Lummi song on the news at 10.

I got similarly excited to when the Antiques Roadshow phoned up.

Do you remember that?

And they liked my Antiques Roadshow song and they said, oh, we're going to use it on our end of series sort of look back special.

You know, it was a little funny thing.

Did they?

No.

No, of course they didn't.

Did they use my La La La Lummy song on the news at 10 with Nina Nana?

No, they didn't.

They always tease you, these people.

You know, they tease me that they were going to use my Biff Baff Boff, my version of Biff Baff Boff.

We have a theory about this right that there are researchers may be working on the programs who listen to the show and are enthusiastic So they're trying to gather as much material to offer to their senior person as possible to their editor Yeah, they think this one of our songs might be a fun thing.

But then the editor who like looks at the song listens to the song No, no way in hell.

Is that going anywhere near any serious program?

And by the way, you're fired

Well, I was watching the Antiques Roadshow and I was thinking, are they really going to play this song?

I mean, it would be very odd.

It would really pop out.

Yeah.

And then of course they did.

And the same with, I mean, the song would pop out.

Sure.

The same with the news.

Yeah.

The same with the news at 10.

I thought, wow, this is going to be really.

surreal if they play my song because it's going to seem bad and weird.

It's going to bring the integrity of the news down.

I wonder what the chances of Apprentice song breaking into the Apprentice universe are.

Pretty low, I think.

Well, we'll find out.

Are we going to play those within the next half hour?

I think we are.

But first, here's a free play for younger listeners and, you know, slightly backward older listeners.

This is from the film The Jungle Book.

Love it.

Here it is.

Can't beat that, really, can you?

With a stick.

You can't beat it.

That's, of course, from The Jungle Book.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Coming up right after the news, we're going to be unveiling our apprentice.

Song was songs, so do stay tuned.

But now, Black Squadron, everything should be tidied up, and it's time for you to stand down.

Stand down, your work is done You've earned yourself a nice warm bath And maybe a nice little bun It's time for song wars The war of the songs

Yes, it's Song Wars Time listeners and this week's Song Wars, or we should say this month's, how long since we last did it?

Six weeks?

At least.

Yeah, so we can't say this week's Song Wars.

That's misleading and betraying the public's trust in the BBC.

I apologise unreservedly for that lie.

You are a disgrace.

Get your clothes and get out.

We haven't done this for ages.

Put your clothes on.

Because I am nude.

You are absolutely nude.

If you haven't heard this show before and you don't understand what Song Wars is, basically, Joe and I occasionally decide to compose a song on a given theme.

We create these songs completely ourselves using the limited musical skills that we have and our laptop computers.

And then we bring those songs in and we battle them to see which one you, the listeners, enjoy most.

And throughout the following week, you will be able to vote either by text or email.

And then next week we'll play the winning song.

Can they vote by text, though?

No, they can't.

You are a disgrace.

Get your clothes.

Get out.

They can only vote by email.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Yeah.

There you go.

And the theme this week is The Apprentice, the exciting BBC programme that is being watched by lots of people.

I mean, they're up to like eight million or something, aren't they?

Or they're about... It's huge doing well, yeah.

But more of the issue here is that, you know, maybe we both struggled with this one this week.

A lot of these songs now how many 30 each or something ridiculous and I don't know maybe we're scraping the bottom of a couple of very bad albums worth we I kind of had it had a tough week because it was a bank holiday weekend last weekend So I thought I can't work on Monday.

I'll take them Monday off.

Yeah

I did a bit of noodling on Monday.

Tuesday I pumped out a sort of a musical stink that I thought, well that's the first thing that came out.

You know, chalk it up to experience, move on later in the week, do something better later in the week.

I got very busy later in the week.

I half started a new one and that didn't go very well.

And then suddenly it was Friday.

Right.

So I've had to revert back to the one that I pumped out on the Tuesday.

The Stinkle.

The Tuesday Stinkle.

Yeah.

I'm not sure it's a Stinkle.

It's just quite kind of low key and it's minimalist.

It's gone back to basics.

That's always the best way.

I've gone right back to Cornball's basics.

When you strip it down, that's a good formula.

Do you think?

Well, we've tossed the coin already listeners.

We decided to do that during the last record.

I'm going to go first.

So here's Joe's apprentice song.

This is a tribute to Margaret Mountford.

Mountford, Margaret Mountford.

The white-haired Hatterdon.

Yes.

Do you think she's a Hatterdon?

No, I'm just joking.

She's lovely.

She is the lovely lady who, you know, you'll get more details in the song.

But yeah, this is a moving, touching tribute to Margaret Mountford.

Here it is.

Standing at the back, making notes on a pad In a tail of Mac deciding who gets sacked At Sir Allen's side, a trusted employee A handsome woman with so much dignity Margaret Mountford, your hair is like a cloud

reading the results dispassionately young people today not what they used to be some well chosen words a little bit gruff she rolls her eyes she's had enough she lets out a sigh puts her head in her hands to be on TV

Was never part of her plan She's on the team, but she stands alone While the candidates argue on their mobile phones Margaret Mountford, your hair is like a cloud

There you go.

Song number one.

That's a song for Margaret Mountford.

I've sort of left the funny doors wide open for you there.

No, it's really good.

It's musically very assured.

Well, that's nice of you to say.

I am kind of entranced by Margaret Mountford.

Yeah, I'm annoyed because I get very envious of your superior musical abilities.

And it's a very clear kind of summing up of our individual qualities.

Well, listen, don't prejudice your song.

Anyway, you love Margaret Mountford.

Yeah, you fancy her.

uh i wouldn't say i would want to have intimate relationships with her i think there's a bit of an age gap and it might be a bit weird age gap five years maybe yeah do you think um but she's i just think she's a very

You know, powerful presence.

Certainly.

She draws the eye, you know, less is more.

She has such a minimal, authoritative presence.

And as you correctly point out, her hair is like a cloud.

It is like a cloud.

Sometimes it's like a slightly stormy cloud.

You see, you're clever, though, with your songs, because that's tailor-made to be played on that show as a little... Do you think?

Especially on The Apprentice You're Fired, they could do a little montage of Mountford moments and play that song over it.

I mean, they'd be missing a trick if they didn't.

Damn you!

Because mine is just confused nonsense as usual.

Oh, I'm excited about it.

Let's hear it.

Here's my apprentice song right now.

I'm going to be the next apprentice I'm the best man for the job Although I'm vain and self-deluded And I'm quite a massive knob Sir Alan, please believe me I'm a business tycoon I could sell ice cubes to the Eskimos And deck chairs on the road

Do you think you're a good team leader?

I can't believe you'd ask.

Team Velocimax did great on this task.

Yeah, we made no money and we fought all the time.

And I refuse to listen, but is that a flipping crime?

You should be fine.

You should find the boring one.

He doesn't seem to realise that it's a TV show.

You've got to act like a total utter brat otherwise, you know.

You're fine.

Thank goodness you got rid of him, cause I'm the one who's best.

Although I'm bitchy and insufferable and thick like all the rest.

But I've got management experience from my time in burger shops.

And I really love to delegate and think outside the box.

You're fired, you're fired.

I was the project manager.

We tried hard at the test.

Although we didn't sell a thing, I think we were the best.

You're fired.

Stupid moron, she's a stupid moron.

I'm going to win, cos I am a genius.

For goodness sake, Sir Allen, don't deploy a moron.

Take a look at me, get back to the house.

I'm going to be the next apprentice I'm the best one for the job Although I'm vain and self deluded And I'm quite a massive knob I'm going to be the next apprentice I'm the best one for the job Although I'm vain and self deluded And I am quite a massive knob

You're fired.

It's like from a musical.

That's good.

I like Velocimax as a team name.

That's funny.

You shouldn't be ashamed.

Or maybe your shame is a deliberate scheme to be the underdog.

It's not.

You know, I think it's a shame that we never collaborate on these songs, you know, because as a team, we would amount to so much more than we do individually.

This competition makes the world go around though.

Speaking for myself.

Maybe we should do that next time.

Yeah.

Anyway, listen, let's play some real music.

And don't forget, folks, you can vote now, Adam and Joe at 6 Music.

No, no, no.

Damn it!

Adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.

And that's the number six in 6 Music.

And you've got until midnight on Friday, the 15th of May.

to email us your choice of song.

Every vote will be counted.

It's of national political importance that you vote.

Don't fail to please.

You can listen to those songs immediately online if you go to the Six Music website, but we are going to play them for casual and non-interconnected listeners later on.

In about 45 minutes, I'm going to play one of my abortive attempts.

I'll play you one of mine as well.

Yeah, we're going to bring in some of the ones we didn't play you, which is bad news for you.

Right, here's an injection of real music.

This is the Mighty Orange Juice with Rifida.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It's Text the Nation time here on the Adam and Jo radio show on BBC Six Music.

Can you explain the feature?

I don't understand.

It's an exciting feature where we give you a kind of a premise, a subject, the listeners, and then the listeners respond with their feedback, their ideas on that subject.

They text them in and email them in.

Then we read them all, pick the best ones out, read them out.

Then we collate them.

Then we send them to Tony Blair.

the Prime Minister, and he invades Iraq.

That's how it works, isn't it?

That is how it works.

That's a brilliant feature.

And that's how this feature became the nation's number one feature.

Absolutely.

None of that's true.

It's all lies.

Absolutely rubbish.

It's BBS.

It's a load of BBS.

So Text the Nation this week, what we're doing is slightly, in a slightly lazy way, we are incorporating, we are featuring a thing that has been featured in another capacity.

Nothing lazy about that.

It's resourceful.

Exactly.

What we're doing is we are pursuing the notion of songs, pop songs.

We are pursuing the notion of pop songs, that you kind of...

You see, the beginning of that song was great.

I loved the beginning.

Because there was a rhyme.

What you're doing is pursuing.

But then after that... Well, you hadn't said any more words from me to sing.

Well, it's up to you to think, Mr. Songwriter.

What you're doing is pursuing the notion of songs that you have customised yourself for your everyday tasks.

That is what we ask of you.

Oh, Christ.

Yeah, so songs that you sing to yourself, right?

Like real pop songs.

Yeah, not like what we just did.

That was a ridiculous tangent.

Yeah.

But it's when you're doing banal things around.

I like to call it banal pop reversioning.

It's not very pithy.

It's not pithy and listeners.

You can think of a more pithy way to describe it.

But here are some examples.

For instance, this is an email we got from

Sarah what you're doing is pursuing Kendall email from Sarah Kendall that you got is she called Sarah Kendall or is she Sarah from Kendall land of the mint cake?

I don't know But anyway, she says if I've been away on holiday whenever I get back to North London and see a sign to Holloway I sing Holloway Celebrate to the tune of Madonna's holiday though.

I sometimes mix it up and sing Holloway run

Oh, you know, from National Lampoon's Vacation.

That's the kind of thing we're talking about.

Who sings that song in Vegas?

I don't know.

We should play it as a free play.

It's a great song.

It's a great film as well.

What a movie.

Absolutely.

Here's another one from... Oh, I haven't written down the name of the person.

Doesn't matter.

A jerk.

What an absolute jerk.

I used to work in Waitrose when I was a teen.

What an absolute jerk.

I used to work in Waitrose when I was a teen.

What you're doing is pursuing the email from Waitrose person that I didn't write down the name of.

Crackers, what is happening?

Push, just push.

I need to be shot.

When I was a teen, I used to work in weight rows and I used to stack shelves.

There was one soup that I used to stack on a regular basis.

The soup was called malagattani.

To make this certain stackage more interesting, I used to stack them in time to the song Oliver's Army by Elvis Costello, i.e.

That's brilliant.

That's a perfect example because it fits perfectly.

Syllables exactly the same.

Brilliant.

Turning that song into a song about, what was it, cheese?

I wasn't listening.

Soup.

You know what malagatorny is.

No, I don't.

I don't like soup.

Malagatorny's the king of soups.

I'm not a big soup fan.

Obviously not.

That's another conversation.

And here's another example from Francesca.

I think that's how you pronounce that.

She's from Mario Land.

Yeah, she's from Super Mario Land.

Dear Adam and Joe, whenever we're on holiday, if one of us needs the suntan lotion, we sing a version of the disco hit Rock the Boat by the Hughes Corporation.

Well, I'd like to know where you put the lotion.

That is a good one.

So that's what we're after.

Your reversioning of classic pop songs.

Oh, no, I'm not being able to explain this to make them banal or to sort of

what's the word, give a bit of pizzazz to a banal everyday activity.

I think people get it, you know.

Someone suggested a chap called Non, I think... Non, he's from Superman too.

Yeah, he's like... Non's Zardinosa, what are they called?

Yeah, exactly right, yeah.

They were trapped in the mirror prison, weren't they?

They certainly were.

Well, Non's busted out of the mirror prison in order to email us.

He's mute though, but he can write, so that makes sense.

He can write emails, yeah, exactly.

Non says, he suggested the name for this feature,

domestic jingles.

I know he's mute.

Yeah, but if he could speak, that's how he'd speak.

He can't.

Incidentally, his email was thus, nice to hear I'm not the only one who sets mundane tasks to music.

A personal favorite is singing, get your crocs on, get your crocs on, honey, to the tune of Rocks by Primal Scream, when rallying my daughters before their swimming lesson.

And actually, non is a lady person here.

It's now clear.

So it's not non from six, not two.

She says, my husband is partial to singing, you've got a pitter pocket or two.

When he's making pitter pockets, right?

That's good.

You've got a pitter pocket or two.

Oh, how we laugh.

Love the show, boys.

Long may you reign at the big British castle, she says.

Thanks very much, Non.

So that's Text the Nation this week.

We'd love to hear your ideas.

The text number 64046, that's 64046.

Get your ideas in quickly, please.

It's very important.

It's the top of the hour.

This is the voice of the big British castle.

You are listening to Adam and Jo on six music.

We're on top of the hour, you'll be glad to know.

But we're not on top of anything else at all.

Let's go to the water.

That was gorillas, gorillas with dare.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Weather check.

Gorillas, gorillas.

Gorillas.

Weather check.

Not that guy.

We can't really discern the weather here anymore because the BBC have built a building a new castle and it's an extraordinary structure.

It's going to be listed and run by the National Trust.

You'll be able to go round it and see the portcullis.

What are they going to do in there, James?

Just execute people.

Is that going to be the big execution block?

They take the presenters, everyone eventually at the Big British Castle gets executed by its own guards.

Sooner or later, someone puts their foot in it in an absolutely spectacular way.

The king, he gets beheaded, all the serfs, all the jesters, eventually they make some kind of error and get tortured and beheaded.

That's where they took Russell Brand to waterboard him after his gaffe.

Exactly.

That's what they're building, a giant punishment chamber.

Did you see Andrew Sacks?

Maybe, I don't know if he was misquoted or what, but the gist of this interview was that he was absolutely delighted about Sacks Gate.

Of course.

Why has it taken him so long to say that?

He said he wasn't fussed about Georgina because he's not that close to her and he was fairly well aware.

She's involved in an erotic dance act.

Yeah, he said, you know, she makes her own life choices and that's up to her, but I wasn't that bothered and I was pleased for the exposure.

Absolutely, everyone came out of that smelling of roses in the end, didn't they?

It's just a big, big old panto.

Apart from the people that worked at the castle.

Who've been executed.

Who've been executed in the execution block.

So, Joe Cornish.

Yeah, right.

So, it's very exciting for Star Trek fans this week, right?

Oh, man, I can't wait.

I'm not a Star Trek fan.

Yeah.

But Adam Buxton, you're a proper TV Star Trek fan, right?

And I don't want to make people think you wear funny ears and speak Klingon.

Which I do.

Do you?

Yeah.

Well, you do.

What does that mean?

Something.

Mokta.

It could be rude.

I think it's like a cup of coffee or something.

Yeah.

But no, I absolutely love it.

You know, I'm a more big fan.

That's not good English, but I'm a massive more big fan of Star Trek The Next Generation.

Right.

There you go.

But I still love I like the original series and I'm well up for the new movie.

Oh, the film is really, really good.

In fact, the weakest part of the film is when the crew assemble at the very end and you get a wide shot of them all and suddenly you recognise them as the classic Star Trek characters.

And you go, what?

This is Star Trek?

because up until then it's been like a proper amazingly good sci-fi film that's what you do if you're a nerd with resonant characters and everything anyway i really recommend the movie it's brilliant but there's a poster all around britain for the movie and it's covered in quotes i'm holding the wrong piece of paper and it's got one quite funny quote on there from zoo magazine you know zoo magazine yeah

It's a very noble periodical.

And the quote on the Star Trek poster from Zoo magazine is set faces to stunned.

So now what's that supposed to sound like?

So it's set phasers to stun.

Yeah, but set faces to stunned.

Now that's quite good, isn't it?

If you're a journalist, to get your pull quotes, as they call it, on a poster is a big thing, isn't it?

Definitely.

People have been known, you know, famously Jonathan Ross made a statement about Batman and Robin, one of the worst films ever made.

I think his quote was something along the lines of, this is the best film ever made.

And I think it was a bet he had with someone, and lo and behold, it got on all the posters around London.

So it's quite a coveted thing as a journalist.

And that zoo journalist must be pretty happy that that possibly one of the most tortured bits of wordplay in poster history has made it onto the poster.

And that speculation, by the way, about Jonathan, obviously he's a well-respected critic.

It's informed speculation.

I don't think he'd deny it.

I think he said it in public before.

But I was trying to think of ways that we could get a quote on a poster because we talk about films.

Why are we not on posters?

We need some better puns.

Like I was raving about let the right one in.

Yeah.

On this show, the Swedish vampire film, the poster on the underground was covered in quotes.

Was there one from Jay Korn?

No, not a peep.

So I was trying to think of some Star Trek ones, like if he can get away with set faces to stunned, what about this?

Quotes, I was clinging with a K on to my seat trek.

Adam and Jo.

Seat sounds a bit like star.

In what world?

Well, in the same way that faces sounds like phasers.

Oh, shut your mouth.

It's got the same first letter.

Faces and phasers do sound the same.

Seat and star do not sound the same.

All right, how about this?

I was beaming me up, Scotty with joy.

I was beaming with joy.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Hello?

That's no good, man.

Come on, that's good.

How about this?

This is the final frontier of entertainment.

Not as good as my ones.

This is the final front.

I think you are, you know, denying the quality of my quotes there.

I think they're every bit as good as set faces to stun.

Lead your second one out again, the one about seats and... I was, what, the beam-me-ups?

The cling-on.

Oh, I was clinging onto my seat trek.

Clinging has a K because like a Klingon.

Yeah, that's definitely yeah on a poster I don't think you're the right audience for this routine because you take Star Trek too seriously.

I find it very insult.

I don't think you're insulted Yeah, yeah, but you're not insulted by set faces to stun brilliant who would set their face to stun I would if I was my friend saw it last night at the Empire and he called me from the lobby He said it was packed the Empire Leicester Square with loads of Star Trek fans

and apparently a lot of them were setting their faces to stunned before they even went into the cinema.

Which is good news for the film and great news for Zoo Magazine.

You're just jealous.

The end.

You are.

Jealous of what?

Jealous of the brilliance of that quote.

Yeah, you're right.

What's wrong with I was beaming me up Scotty with joy?

It's brilliant.

Here's the music now.

This is the Yeah Yeah Yes with Heads Will Roll.

That was the Yeah Yeah Yeahs with Heads Will Roll.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

That was my creaky microphone.

Yeah, nice.

Very rude.

Very rude indeed.

How rude.

How extremely rude.

Now, we got a couple of messages this week, which I'd just like to fill you in on, a little bit of business, that's all.

We got a nice message from a young chap called Kelly Jones.

No, not off of the stereophonic, is it?

Well, it probably isn't, but when I saw it, I thought, wow, it's Kelly Jones from the Stereophonics, who I've spent most of my life being rude about.

Why would he be mailing the show?

I mean, it might be Kelly Jones.

What does Kelly Jones from the Stereophonics say?

It says, Dear Adam and Joe, I'd just like to give a massive thank you to both of you for making such a fantastic radio show.

Your podcast is a beacon of light amongst A-level stress and teenaged ennui.

It really lights up my week.

Thanks again, Kelly Jones.

No, he doesn't put any brackets, but he doesn't even mention the fact like not the stereophonics Kelly Jones or anything like that

Yeah, should he?

The poor chap shouldn't have to go through life explaining that he's not famous yet.

I mean, Kelly Jones, he's a famous stereophonic, but I was thinking maybe for children of that generation, they're not aware.

Yeah, no, they haven't.

Have they troubled the charts recently?

Not really, the stereophonics.

Did you read that out because he had the same name as the lead singer or because you were just charmed by the niceness of his message?

Yeah, both.

To be honest, I didn't mean to read it out, but I just accidentally started reading.

It's nice.

I mean, it sounds a bit... My brain's not in gear, man.

I slept really badly last night, and I had strange dreams.

I've been having very strange dreams recently.

I had quite a sexy one about you the other day, and it's really upset me.

Oh, dear.

Another listener had an erotic dream about me that they sent in.

as you as a white stallion.

Yeah, I like that.

And they were really impressed that you could open the door with your hoof.

Yeah, and then they had an app that came into the dream and did something really obscene.

It was quite funny.

It was the most disgusting email I've ever made.

Well, you should have an over 18 segment on the website where you have to put your name in, your birth date in.

That's the system they have on the internet, right?

You can put anything you want on the internet, but you just have to have a little field in which children have to put in a made-up birthday, right?

Right.

And then you just get access.

Not even that.

You just say, I hear by system.

Yeah, I am 18.

Yeah.

We should do that.

And we could put that email on.

It's quite an image.

I was shocked when I read it though.

Were you?

The dream that this girl had about George Lamb, my goodness.

Why was she even writing it down?

It was outrageous.

Because most of it was an extremely sophisticated dream about me as a noble white stallion.

As a stallion.

I am a bit like a stallion.

So that was that you turned into a stallion and the first part of the dream, she was walking through a graveyard with you.

That's right.

And she wanted to tell you how much she enjoyed the radio show, but she was embarrassed.

So she said, let's take this email up and credit this listener.

She said, let's talk about my show, even though she doesn't have a radio show.

And then you turned into a stallion.

Anyway, yeah, we were running around throwing grass at each other.

That's right.

Having a little grass fight.

Grass fight.

She's exactly right.

I love grass fights.

In graveyards.

Yeah.

Can't stop doing it.

That's nice.

Here's a free play for you now, listeners.

This is a chap called Tim Fight, and I came across him because we're going to play one of his videos at this thing Bug that I do occasionally, which is a pop video for him at the BFI, and it's a really good video.

You can find it on YouTube.

It's for a track called Big Mistake, and it's got a couple of swears in it, so I've done some pirate censoring thereof, but I hope you enjoy it.

This is Tim Fight.

very nice indeed there are text the nation jingle in the style of air which was

What was the name of the chap again?

Who'd done that?

Matthew Leach.

Thanks very much.

He provided the backing track for that.

And a few people were sending in their suggestions for how I could improve on the French grammar in that jingle.

But, you know, I'm not going to bother.

Do you think that's bad?

No, I think it's excellent.

It's a really good decision.

Well done.

But I appreciate the messages and you taking the time, especially, you know, we did ask for people to do that.

But I think that, you know, the French is good enough.

Most people said the French was reasonable enough for it to get by.

OK, so let's get on with Text the Nation.

Yeah, this week's subject is all about lyrics to popular songs that you reversion.

to allow them to accompany sort of banal daily tasks.

Here is an email from Ben in Putney.

He says, every time I pass through Vauxhall, which is an area in South London, on the train or by other means, I find myself singing Strangers in Vauxhall to the tune of Michael Jackson's Strangers in Moscow.

We're strangers in Vauxhall.

I'm impressed that you even know the tune to Stranger Things.

That's a good song, man.

Is it?

Maybe it's just me and Ben from Putney that know that one.

Plus I live near Vauxhall.

So Ben, I'm right with you on that one.

Here's one from Tom.

He says, I particularly enjoy requisitioning overly wrought indie music for mundane household activities.

My favourites include singing radio heads

everything in its right place whilst tidying up small things.

I like to think that's what Tom York really wrote the song about and I imagine him often tidying up his drawers or maybe rearranging a collection of small china animals on a mantelpiece.

I also enjoy bastardising the white stripes and dusty Springfield song when I'm doing DIY and I sing I just don't know what to do with my shelves.

Nice.

I don't know.

That sounds like a bit of a stretch, that one.

You reckon?

I just don't know what to do with my shelves.

How often are you doing things with shelves?

Come on.

It's a fun thing to do.

And he's got one more.

He says, also, having misplaced the scissors, and this is one that a lot of people do, I think, he says he often sings, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

That's a very useful song.

It really is.

Easily applied to many mundane tasks.

Definitely.

Katherine Wright emails saying, when eating cake, I sometimes sing, I predict a diet, I predict a diet.

It reduces the calories to almost zero.

What she's suggesting, just the energy you burn up by singing the song, counteracts the cake.

Yeah, or it makes you feel better about it that you've acknowledged the possibility that in the future there might be a diet.

Small tangent.

All bars of chocolate now have the precise calorie count on them.

They have done for a while, surely.

And apparently exercise bikes tell you how many calories you're working off, specifically depending on how much you pedal.

You can probably get trainers that have a calorie... But there's something horrific about that.

Absolutely horrific.

That you would eat a chocolate bar and know precisely how many calories you'd consumed and then go up to an exercise bike and exercise for the precise amount to work them off again.

People are obsessed about that.

Is that horrific or brilliant?

No, I agree with you.

It's horrific.

It just used to be hidden.

Now it's in your face screaming at you from every packet.

It's the same with booze, you know?

They tell you exactly like one glass of wine equals half a Big Mac or whatever, you know?

What's going on with freedom these days?

Eh?

Where's it going?

Well, ask George Michael.

Yeah, I joined Liberty the other day.

Did you?

Well done.

Yeah.

But because of this chocolate bar thing.

What, the clothing store?

Yeah, no, the campaign group.

Anyway, here's another one.

Gillian Alexander, after you talking about songs that you sing, for example, locking the taskbar when doing mundane things, whenever I see a dog on the underground, I always sing, there's a dog on the underground, to the tune of Girls Aloud's The Sound of the Underground.

Ah.

That's a bit like the shelf one.

How often do you see a dog on the underground?

Very seldom, yeah.

Exciting moment though.

I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

So we'll have some more a bit later.

It is useful because you know you got books and you know, maybe some DVDs.

Should you put the books on a different shelf or make it exclusive?

You know, is it just going to be all books on this one or half books, half DVDs and maybe a few ornaments, few Star Wars figures?

Or should you put the Star Wars figures away?

I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

Have we got to go to the news now?

Yeah, maybe.

I was squeezed with Up the Junction, this is Adam and Jo, on BBC 6 Music, Britain's premier digital radio station.

Amy Winehouse gig of Shambles.

Baby Shambles gig in Winehouse.

That sounds like a good gig though, I would have wanted to see that.

Right, in a Winehouse.

I'd like to see the knick-knocks.

Oh, you want to see Amy's knickknocks.

Look at Amy's knickknocks.

The shambling and the rambling and the propping up.

Sounds amazing.

You know, a really appalling gig is almost as good as a really brilliant gig.

What you don't want is the sort of average ones in between.

You know, you want to see the headline acts and the disasters.

Well, you know, she puts on a good show.

Well, she does both.

She's a disastrous headline act.

So she ticks all the boxes.

She's the biggest star in Britain.

Best talented musician.

We wish you well.

Come on, sort your life out, Amy.

What am I doing?

I don't know.

I think it's gone beyond that with her, hasn't it?

I mean, the whole world's been shouting at her.

Her parents, everyone has been doing everything they can to get her to try and have some self-respect.

for her talent, but she just ain't listening.

It's hard to instill self-respect though, isn't it?

Do you think you could instill it by beating it into a person?

I'd say the answer to that is no.

Just in case.

In case anyone thinks that's the way to go.

Yeah, in case anyone misses the bone dry, Rene.

Oh, for our food eyes, one way, I was listening to an interesting program about self-respect.

Your apprentice contestants come over here.

You could beat it into people.

I didn't know that.

I heard it on the BBC, so it's got to be true.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

That's all right.

Sense everything off in a bad direction.

Listen, listeners, we're going to play you now some of the curtailed work we did for Song Wars.

If you weren't listening to the show earlier, first of all, how dare you?

Secondly, we were playing our new Song Wars songs on the theme of The Apprentice and we were discussing how torturers we found the process of songwriting this week.

So now we're going to inflict the torture on you.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, it's a fascinating behind the scenes look.

It's like The South Bank Show, if you replace the word bank with a...

similar word.

It's like classic albums.

Yeah, but it's only, my one's only very short, but after I did my kind of Kings of Convenience style Warbly Margaret Mountford song, I thought it was no good and I decided I'd try and do a more upbeat funny one, you know?

So I launched into the following aborted track.

This is what I created.

See, it's got the sample and everything.

Theme tune.

See, this is kind of the way I ended up going.

Listen.

I was gonna put something here, I couldn't think of what to put here.

Ran out of ideas.

But this is pretty much what I ended up with.

Wait, hang on, there's a bit more.

that's it gave up yeah gave up after that what do you think no i think you went you made the right decision do you you don't think i should have followed that one through to the end nah that's not very nice well musically it's inferior to what you ended up do you think yeah yeah but it could have been funnier more amusing not really not really

It's really not the responses I was expecting.

What's the matter with you today?

Do you want to hear my one?

It's like an evil gnome has taken possession of your body.

Yeah, play your one.

I went in a totally different, you know, because I like to do the pirate interruptions every now and again.

So that's how I started off with this one.

Yeah, we should reiterate these are not the song or songs you're voting on.

No, this is merely a fascinating glimpse behind the self-indulgence.

The curse of crap.

Here we go.

Shut up your face!

Stop complaining!

Shut up your mouth!

Get out of order, Naya!

No one like that for a while.

And then I had some salt.

It's good.

I want to hear it.

I'm sick and tired of you denying all this, you know.

I'm sorry, my friend.

I think you're a bit out of your debt.

I just ended up doing like a sort of rave prank.

Honestly, when could you make money out of that?

Hang on.

It gets all dark.

Yeah.

I just got a really big flashback.

I'm having an active flashback.

A beefer.

Oh dear.

I just got into it.

I spent, I ended up being six minutes long.

And yeah, with no lyrics.

on and on and on.

And I was dancing around and then suddenly I looked at the clock and it was seven in the evening and I'd started at midday.

Wow.

And I just thought, well, I've wasted a day.

I've wasted an entire day.

That's how it goes with Song Wars.

Creating a terrible rave track.

with some samples of Alan Sugar on the top.

Don't forget that towards the end of the show, probably at about 20 to noon, we'll play the real tracks once more in case you missed them and you can vote for the actual song or songs via the email address.

Can they vote on the website?

Yeah, is there a thing they can click on the website?

Yeah, so you can go to the website as well.

All kinds of different ways to get involved here at the Big British Castle.

Real music now.

This is Cassabian with fire.

Was that someone just doing that on that?

Was that an instrument?

I think it was an instrument, but it would have sounded good if they'd just done that.

People should do that more often.

Well, I think we should do an acapella song wars, but you didn't like the sound of that the other week.

Oh yeah, I'm alright with that.

A Bobby McFerrin style one.

In fact, I always thought we should do a song wars where you weren't allowed any words.

Right.

That's a strange topic, though.

I mean, that's... Yes, experimental.

It's pushing us.

Experimental song wars.

Mmm.

Anyway.

The experimenting is what takes the time.

That was Cassabian, right?

Was that called Fire?

I'd like it if, like, the new U2 album had just Bono on it going.

There's an amazing, what's the Prince album, is it Parade?

Where he does a whole trumpet solo that starts sounding exactly like a real trumpet and then by the end you realise he's just doing it with his lips.

Yeah, generally it's not something I enjoy very much.

Sometimes it snows in April I think.

I was listening to a track the other day where someone does a

In fact, it isn't even Paddy McAloon on one of their albums, Jordan The Comeback, where he does a kind of muted horn solo just vocally.

It doesn't sound so good.

It's the blah blah.

I wanted to destroy the tape machine.

It was terrible.

I mean, he's a genius, and everything he touches turns to gold, except in that instance, when he needed some more advice from Thomas Dolby, I think.

It was a total disgrace!

Get out, McAloon!

Actually, I want to hear it now.

You should bring it in and play it.

Good lord.

Maybe I'll bring it next week.

Now, what's your policy on speed bumps?

Oh, I like to slow right down for speed bumps.

Yeah, and go over them very slowly.

Do you?

It gets tricky if they're the little ones that are segmented, then the temptation is to drive into the middle of the road.

Sure it is.

So that you pass with your tyres either side of them that can be quite dangerous.

And take them at speed because you could rip the whole engine out.

No, just because you're suddenly in the middle of the road.

Also, they deliberately designed them so that they're too wide, unless you were driving in a Humvee or something.

Aren't they like a width so that ambulances can go over them at speed, but conventional cars can't have a

I made that up.

Well, that sounds like logic to me.

That sounds like a stone cloud logic.

Here's an email from Neil.

He was actually writing it about something else.

He was writing about listening again for the first time.

And because he's a podcast listener, right, we should remind people that there is a podcast of this show if you've never explored that.

It's available free on iTunes.

It comes out on a Monday evening and many other podcast delivery services it's available on as well.

Right.

There are other ones like

RSS feeds and all that kind of nonsense.

But it's worth picking up.

I mean, there's a lot of extra stuff in there that you don't get in this show as well.

It's worth listening to if you've never done so before.

Anyway, Neil was saying that as a regular podcast listener, he actually listened again to the whole show for the first time and was enjoying that as well.

That's something you can also do throughout the week is listen again on the iPlayer and various other things.

But he concluded by saying, when we go over speed bumps in the car,

This is his family he's talking about.

We throw our hands up like we're on a rollercoaster and we go, hey, and take them at speed.

I remember this email.

It's probably even more worrying, doesn't it?

He says it's probably not safe, but hey, I have to put my mobile phone down so that makes it safer, right?

So he's breaking all kinds of laws there, Neil.

You know, when I read that email last night, I thought, well, we won't be reading that one out.

Yeah.

Because that's encouraging.

Actually, I don't know if he's in there with his family.

He probably wouldn't be doing that kind of thing if he had children in there.

It's highly illegal to... It gets me very annoyed when I see people talking on their mobile phones.

Does it?

Yeah, it does, actually.

I want to arrest them.

I want Black Squadron to... Because, you know, it's very, very, very dangerous.

I agree with you.

I absolutely agree.

Well, if you suddenly hit a child, then how would you feel?

Wow.

You've really scared it into the blackest area that you possibly could then.

Yeah, but it happens a lot.

It's the largest cause of death, I think, in the country.

Yeah.

I mean, that's true.

It is true.

But on the other hand, this is a frivolous Saturday morning radio show.

Yeah, but he's encouraging listeners to talk on their mobile.

He's not encouraging them.

He is.

What if you suddenly hit a child?

It's true.

That's a great punchline.

That should be Steve Wright's new punchline.

Yeah.

Cheer up his Sunday morning show.

That'll be fun in between like tracks by the hollies I'm just saying it get you're annoyed when I see people doing it Of course, you're right do it as a sort of badge of pride, you know of devil may care, you know, oh Yeah, anyway, yeah, let's not go there

I'll get annoyed, it'll be like the news at 10 all over again.

Wow, Nina Nana, watch out.

Get your crew over here.

This is what would have happened if you'd been on news at 10.

Cornish is on a rant.

It suddenly would have gone incredibly dark from being like a little fluffy piece about Joanna Lumley with your track.

Suddenly you take it into the most serious area that you possibly could.

That's your MO though, that's what you like doing.

Yeah, sure.

Here's some music right now.

This is, what is this?

Nadia Catous.

Is this your play?

Yeah, this is my free play.

This is a lovely track.

Nadia Catous is from Belize, but she was an actress on telly in the sixties.

Apparently she was in play for today's and crown court and Dixon of dot green.

But this is a record.

My mum and dad used to play a lot when I was very young and it's really nice.

It's called a long time boy and it's by Nadia Catous.

Text-o-nation!

Text, text, text, text-o-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-o-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

We've got radio, one extra.

Is it one extra broadcasting from the next door studio?

What, have they had a technical problem in their usual house?

Maintenance.

Maintenance, so they've come over to this building today.

Where they broadcast from, usually there's a problem with the air conditioning.

It's too chill.

They've had too much chill cake, but it looks really exciting on one extra.

They're eating little blamanges and waving their arms about.

There's a lady that looks like Lady Sovereign.

In there, I'm convinced it's Lady Sovereign.

It all looks really good.

Yeah.

Well, it looks good in here.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know about that.

Yeah, I don't reckon quite as extra in here as it does in there.

Listen, it's Text the Nation time, listeners, and this week's theme is all about ways that you reversion popular songs so that you can apply them to mundane everyday tasks.

Have you got one there, Ed?

Here's one from Joe's Story.

He says, when my cat Prudence knocks stuff over, we sing, stuff on the floor and you're too blame.

You've gave cats a bad name.

to the tune of the Bon Jovi song.

That's good.

I like it.

You love Bon Jovi.

I love Cats and Bon Jovi, two of my favourite things.

Here's one from Ash, hello, from New Ash Green in Kent.

What would that mean?

From New Ash Green in Kent?

New Ash Green?

Is that a place?

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, they've compacted the Green and In from New Ash Green in Kent.

But what's the name of the person?

Josh.

Okay, when I'm cooking curry, I find myself singing chicken tikka to the tune of Abba's chicken tikka.

Right.

Hello.

Anybody?

Anything?

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Here's one from Chris from Shuttleworth.

My wife Jess has to sing, you're microwavable to the EMFs.

You're unbelievable.

Every time she uses the microwave.

Yes.

Is that funny or annoying?

You're microwavable.

Oh, that's good.

You know?

Because it's exciting if you get a potato or something, and suddenly it dawns on you, I don't have to wait half an hour for this baked potato to be ready.

You're microwavable.

Oh!

10 minutes later, delicious baked potato ping.

Even though it's not crusty when you put it in the microwave.

It goes, microwave potatoes are horrible.

Yeah.

Do you not like the microwave?

No.

It's convenient.

I don't, we don't have one.

Do you not?

No.

Did you used to have one and get rid of it?

They're evil, they cook via pure evil.

Do they?

It's true, yeah, there's one of those little lump black, you know at the end of Time Bandits?

Sure.

When Satan explodes.

That's right.

Into lumps of charcoal.

That's what they're powered by.

They put a little bit of Satan into every single microwave.

There's a little bit of see-do-do in every single microwave.

They do, they cook with pure evil and that's why they're hot on the inside, not the outside.

Because it's a core of evil that radiates warmth.

Yeah.

I mean, that is quite useful, though, isn't it?

Because you could have little bed warmers.

You know those hand warmers?

Are they powered by evil as well?

I'm not sure.

Because sometimes it feels like they might be.

You shake them up.

You know the things I'm talking about?

You get them to warm you up in the winter, hand warmers.

What, the ones you put in the... And they've got little black bits of evil inside.

Oh, like little granules, carbon granules.

Granules of evil.

Yeah, evil granules.

And they keep them nice and warm.

But the thing is that evil is often very nicely priced.

It's reasonably priced evil.

Well, evil is cheap because, you know, it's got an incentive.

They want to spread it.

Exactly.

It's like a drug dealer giving you your first score for a low price.

You know, if you're... Do you remember that drug dealer?

What was his name?

Terry, Terry the drug dealer.

Terry, Terry, Terry.

Terry, Terry.

Anyway, here's one from Dan Davies from Birmingham.

When I was doing a very dull office job, I used to announce that I was taking my lunch to the theme tune of Blankety Blank.

He said, it's time to get a baguette, get a baguette, get a baguette, get a baguette, get a baguette.

That's good.

Get a baguette, get a baguette.

More.

Get a baguette, get a baguette.

Less.

You've got to retract some of the stuff you previously saw.

From Giles and Harrow, when nearly at the end of a delicious meal, my brother will often sing, it's the final mouthful.

That's a good one.

That must be quite annoying.

I mean, you can use that track for a number of things like that.

Same with the Bon Jovi one, actually.

Stuff on the floor and you're to blame.

You give cats a bad name.

You can do that with children or anything like that.

Here's quite a good one from Joe in Kilburn.

This is a useful one.

In 1986 I was doing my Maths-O level and to help me remember the formula for the volume of a cylinder, I changed the lyrics of the popular song Frankie by Sister Sledge.

Brackets or was it the Pointer Sisters?

From Frankie do you remember me to Frankie pi R squared H over three.

That's just ridiculous.

That's good, though.

That kind of thing's really useful.

But you could crowbar that formula into any song.

I think it was The Sister Sledge, incidentally, by the way.

Frankie, pi R-squared.

It's the H that ruins it, isn't it?

The H is being shoehorned in there.

But that in itself gives it a quirk that makes it even more memorable.

You could do pi as well.

Frankie, 3.14159.

There's like, do you remember we wrote us like a country and western song that had the speed over distance, speed equals distance over time in it.

Roscoe.

Yeah, and lots of people write to us saying that that's become useful in there.

My name is Roscoe.

That's Roscoe, which spell good.

I like to go a long way in a short time because I increase.

That's why.

My velocity went possible because speed equals distance over time.

Are you going to help me sing that one?

No, I let you take that solo.

right the way through I think when's Joe gonna join is he gonna join he's in a grump they are I'm letting you hanging you out to try on that one that was good though keep those coming in the text number is 64046 here's some music right now this is the mighty Radiohead with there there

That is Empire of the Sun with We Are the People, and this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Hope you're very well.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

It's a great pleasure to be here with you.

And we are going to have a little bit of Steven news right now.

I've got a new jingle for this Steven news segment.

Here we go.

The service to Stevenage will depart from Stevenage calling at Stevenage and Stevenage

There you go, Stevenage News.

Well, it's not going to leave the platform then, is it?

No, exactly.

To parting from Stevenage to Stevenage via Stevenage.

Yeah.

That's a good service, though.

I mean, you could say that just about a house in Stevenage.

Well, you could stay any stationary object.

That's good.

That's where you go to get your Steven News.

Right.

Now, obviously, I mean, I personally, Joe Cornish, have an ambiguous relationship towards the Steven phenomenon.

Ambivalent.

Can it be called a phenomenon?

Yeah, the minor phenomenon.

No, mini one.

I find myself terrified of it in the street.

And I sympathise with some artists whose touring careers have been blighted by the shouting of Stephen at their gigs.

We got another email from about Bat for Lashes.

What was that one?

We should try and call that up.

I'm afraid I don't remember the name of the person who sent it, but saying that they were at a Bat for Lashes gig in New York even.

Or somewhere where Natasha Khan could rightfully expect to be free of Stephen shouting.

And she got Stephen shouted in this foreign area.

And apparently her reply was something along the lines of, oh god, it's following me.

She's not American.

What's her voice like?

Oh god.

Oh god, it's following me overseas.

Or something like that.

But then, we got a message from Edgar Wright, mutual friend of the show, and he actually knows Natasha Khan because... What, Charlotte Hathley, who's a good friend of ours, plays bass for her.

Yeah, and Edgar emailed the other day and he said... Or possibly rhythm guitar, I don't know.

Right.

It's bass.

He said, as you may or may not know, Charlotte is playing with Bat for Lashes now, and I saw them in Toronto last night.

I had lunch with Charlotte and Natasha Khan, who is lovely, he says in brackets, and she thought your podcast comments were very funny.

She being Charlotte, Natasha.

That's good.

Well, we apologize, Natasha, if, you know, it's ruining your flow at all, the Stephen Shouting.

But it's beyond our control.

There's not a lot we can do about it.

Also, someone sent me an email, a journalist, and they said that Clash magazine were looking to sum up sort of trends for the summer.

And one of the other journalists had said, well, there's probably going to be a lot of Stephen Shouting at the festivals this year.

Yes.

And so we were, I mean, that cheered me up.

That made me think.

Maybe we should, maybe I should stop being, you know, ambivalent about it and throw your arms round.

Yeah.

To stoke it up to a sort of awful feverish crescendo over the summer.

Yeah, exactly.

Where it becomes like an unavoidable obnoxious social curse.

Incidentally, at this point, if you've never listened to this show before and you don't know what we're talking about, Steven has become a thing that people shout out to each other in order to find out if there's any listeners to this show around.

In the area, yeah.

So you can shout, Steven!

And if a stranger says, just come in.

But here are some examples that'll describe it more eloquently than we can.

Here's one from, these are people who've actually recorded Steven's happening in public.

This is Matthew Hodson, who was at

a Graham Coxen gig.

And while Graham was changing over guitars, he said, so this is a bit naughty.

This is during the gig.

During?

Well, it's not during the songs, though.

Between songs.

That's all right.

That's fair enough.

Not during a song.

That would be outrageously irresponsible, Stevenage.

But here is the sound of his.

It sounds like a very empty room, but I think it was just people being quiet during the gig.

Here's what happened.

Steven!

I'm trying.

That's quite desolate, isn't it?

That's good.

That sounds like a very boho crowd.

That's quite reserved.

It sounded like he was doing it just in a community centre or something.

Yeah, it was Pizza Express.

He's just made up the fact that he was a Graham Coxing gig to sound cool.

But thank you very much, Matthew, for that one.

And then Ryan Kent was at the Brixton Academy to see Doves.

And he fills you in on the whole thing.

It's like reporting on Stevenage.

Here he is.

Hello, this is Ryan.

And Matt.

And we are at the Brixton Academy, about to watch Doves.

And we're going to go for a Steven.

Not Midgeot, we know that's a frown upon.

So just as they come on, we're going to go for it and see what the response is.

Okay, they're setting up now for the Doves.

We're going to go for a Steven.

Here we go.

Ready?

Three, two, one.

Steven!

I could just hear it buried in there.

Could you just hear it?

Yeah, I couldn't hear anything.

That's good.

We really like that.

The idea of listeners recording it and doing a little commentary there.

That's really good.

That's very verite, isn't it?

That's good reporting.

That's sort of like the equivalent of the news, you know, someone bit Ben Brown in Afghanistan or something, isn't it?

They should have a little section on the news.

Yeah.

The Stevenage section.

They really should.

They really, really should.

And they should give some BAFTAs, you know, for bravery.

Exactly.

To some of our listeners.

And now the BAFTA for bravest Steven, which is presented by John.

I mean, what if another radio station

encouraged its listeners to, you know, I'm not going to say hit or in any way physically confront, but you know, if they had some sort of a rival reposter, Stephen, if they were fed up with it was something like, you know, if you hear someone shouts, don't even put the idea in their heads.

Don't even say it.

I'm not going to say it now.

You know where I was going though.

If I wasn't on this show... Don't even continue thinking about it!

It doesn't bear thinking about!

Here's a free play for you right now, listeners.

Now, this is a one for comedy nerds and fans of songs about mobile phones alike.

And this is a track that I'd like to dedicate to my son, Frank, who absolutely loves this song, which is performed by the comedian Kevin Eldon and a little background on the track.

I got a text from Kevin explaining what the track was when I asked him.

And he says, it's me and my longtime musical collaborator, Martin Bird, who produced it and played all the instruments.

You can find out more about Martin Bird on www.martinbird.co.uk.

And for comedy nerds, Martin Bird was responsible for playing everything on the version of Virginia Plain, which you can see on the first series of Big Train, if you've never seen that.

That's one of the all-time great moments of Big Train, with Kevin Elden as Chairman Mao singing Virginia Plain.

It's just amazing.

But this is a track that he did as Kevin Elden and the Cassettes, and it's about mobile phones.

It's called Mobile Phone.

you

I'm your mobile

What's his... I don't understand his problem with the world, though.

He just wants it to shut up.

Yeah, but he wants the world to get its head back in the clouds.

Get your head back in the clouds.

And shut your mouth.

Yeah, you know, it's just being too dogmatic, the Earth.

Too chatty.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, just too serious with all its problems.

Right, right.

Like, you know, we were talking about Mother Nature and her problems last week, that kind of thing.

yeah the fact that complacency how complacent mother nature is and how she's failed to put pockets in human beings yeah exactly fix her own problems to herself expecting us to do it yeah sweep up your own backyard expecting everything on a plate from humans and al gore and al gore that's right that's what he's on about he's been too nice to mother mother nature hasn't he al gore basically spoiled her

Yeah.

Don't you think?

Yeah, she's very spoiled.

She's like Paris Hilton.

Wouldn't that be awful if Mother Nature actually appeared?

She was a hideous Los Angeles airhead with a little dog, an awful pink bag, complaining about how everything's been ruined by alcohol.

Seriously, who do you picture when you think of Mother Nature?

Leslie Douglas.

Do you?

Who used to be the ex-controller of BBC Six music and radio too?

You know, I think of Miriam Margulis.

Do you?

Yeah.

Or is that how you pronounce her name?

Yeah, Margulis.

The actress.

Mike Wilees.

Or Julia Margulis.

Marge Wilees.

Anyone called Margulis.

Marge Wilees?

Is that a good name for a woman?

Nice image.

Marge on the wheelie.

Well, why wouldn't you pop a bit of Marge on the wheelie?

I suppose it would be.

Why would you?

It would be keep the skin nice and supple.

Oh dear.

OK, so listen, I say that.

I don't know what I'm going to... Oh yes, yes, yes.

We were going to talk about... That was your fault.

We were going to talk about movies just to enthuse, actually, about a trip to the cinema that I took with the children the other day to see Coraline.

which was it was great on a number of levels because we went to the cinema in Norwich and it was absolutely packed man it was bank holiday Monday right and every single person I think in the Norwich area had just decided to go to the movie so we turned up there there were massive queues outside the movie house I mean the cinema industry looks to be in rude health you know if cinema queues in Norwich or anything to go by

But I was a bit depressed about it, but luckily the queues moved fairly fast.

I think there were loads of teens who wanted to see Wolverine and stuff like that.

But they kept on shouting out, you know, cinema five's fully booked.

You have to come back for the next showing.

I was worried it was going to happen with Coraline, but we squeezed in there because we sat in the premiere seats at the back, right?

All classy.

Paid a quid extra, got the premiere seats.

Best thing we could have done.

The view was brilliant.

The seats were so comfortable.

We had little rests for our popcorn and stuff.

When you were watching it,

three diddles?

Three diddles?

Still not impressed by three diddles.

Oh come on!

I thought the three diddles was amazing.

You know the best thing about 3D is it shuts everybody up.

They don't chat to each other.

That's absolutely true.

Because you put the glasses on immediately, it's just you and the screen.

Yeah.

I think that's one of the best developments because I saw Coraline on Bank Holiday Monday as well at the Brixton Ritzy and it was fantastic and it was packed out.

Yeah.

Boisterous kids I thought it was gonna be a really boisterous 70s style screening as soon as the film started silence same here Yeah, it was absolutely one completely wrapped all I could hear was kids going yeah Occasionally I would there was one so there was one child who was wailing in some of the scary bits, you know

But not very much I would say that it's quite scary.

It's a little bit scary I mean my five-year-old enjoyed it, but he was teetering on the edge Yeah, I'd say that was anything younger than five probably not but even the younger kids were completely enraptured by it, but what a film

I mean, after having seen Monsters vs. Aliens, which is okay, but only just about, Monsters vs. Aliens features one of the worst jokes I've heard in a film recently, which is when the aliens, they've been incarcerated for 50 years or something, and then they come out to fight this new enemy.

And one of the aliens says, is it a bit warmer than it used to be 50 years ago?

I mean, I think we should be told about this.

If it really is, you know, if the truth is that it is warmer, that would be a convenient truth.

Nah, nah, nah.

But listen, it's coming up to the news.

We have to go to the news, but I can't recommend Coraline strongly enough.

It's an absolute peach.

I agree.

Two thumbs up.

Pop a quote from that on the poster.

What would your little cheeky punning quote be?

Oh, no.

You put me under pressure.

I'll tell you after the news.

How about this?

It'll make you feel like some Coraline dancing.

No, awful, awful, awful.

News, quick.

It's time for song wars, the war of the songs.

Yes, it's Song Wars time again listeners.

This is of course the feature where Adam and I pick a theme, then go home and use our little computers to make homemade songs on that theme.

And it can be quite a torturous, draining, time-consuming process.

Yeah, I was thinking earlier on, I mean we played Kevin Elden's song there.

And with Martin Bird producing it and doing a really lovely job of doing so.

He's got a producer.

Yeah, that's what we need though, is a kind of Martin Bird in our lives.

And then we would be absolutely sorted, you know what I mean?

Yeah, it should be pointed out like we've got day jobs during the week and stuff, so some people might think that...

What's your day job?

I work in Ann Summers, just off Leicester Square.

Can you get me any kind of deal there?

I can get you a very good deal.

Really?

I'm a fireman, is there anything I can do for you?

A fireman?

Yeah.

Well, we're looking for some models for some posters.

Right.

How's your hose holding?

I can hold the hose in a suggestive way if that's what you're asking.

You're a bit hairy.

I'm hairy and a little bit fat, so is that a problem?

I could strip off though and hold my hose in a suggestive way.

I think some ladies would like that.

Well listen, listen, pop in on Monday, we open at 10 and I'll take some Polaroids and show them to the boss.

Thanks very much, that's excellent.

So, sorry, as you can see, we have busy lives apart from our work that we do on the radio show, so Song Wars can eat up a lot of that time.

However, it's time to play you the fruits of our labours.

Joe's going to go first this time.

No, I went first last time.

Oh, did you?

Oh, I'll go first this time.

Okay, so this is my song.

And for people who know my character, Ken Corder, this is kind of Ken Corder as one of the contestants in The Apprentice, or at least he kicks things off.

And then I, you know, I inhabit the character of some other made up contestants.

It's kind of a load of nonsense, and here it is.

I'm going to be the next apprentice I'm the best man for the job Although I'm vain and self-deluded And I'm quite a massive knob Sir Alan, please believe me I'm a business typhoon I could sell ice cubes to the Eskimos and deck chairs on board

You think you're a good team leader?

I can't believe you'd ask.

Team Velocimax did great on this task.

Yeah, we made no money and we fought all the time.

And I refuse to listen, but is that a flipping crime?

You should be fine.

You should find the boring one.

He doesn't seem to realise that it's a TV show.

You've got to act like a total utter brat otherwise, you know.

You're fine.

Thank goodness you got rid of him cause I'm the one who's best although I'm bitchy and insufferable and thick like all the rest but I've got management experience from my time in burger shops and I really love to delegate and think outside the box.

You're fired, you're fired.

I was the project manager.

We tried hard at the test.

Although we didn't sell a thing, I think we were the best.

You're fired.

Stupid moron.

She's a stupid moron.

I'm going to win cause I am a genius.

For goodness sake, Sir Allen, don't deploy a moron.

Take a look at me.

Get back to the house.

You're fired.

Some horrible singing going on there.

It's good.

That's Adam's song.

What's that one called?

It's just called The Apprentice.

The Apprentice, written and performed by Adam Buxton.

Are you going to publish that?

Can we buy that in sheet music?

Yeah, I'm going to make a lot of publishing from that.

From chapels in Bond Street?

Yeah, there's no, I mean, I don't think even The Apprentice You're Fired would want to play that.

Oh, I don't know.

Whereas, I reckon if they don't play your song about Margaret Mountford, then something has gone wrong at HQ of The Apprentice You're Fired.

Well, let's listen to it again.

This is song number two.

This is my song, Joe's song.

This is called Song for Margaret Mountford.

Standing at the back Making notes on a pad In a Taylor Mac Deciding who gets sacked At Sir Allen's side A trusted employee A handsome woman with so much dignity Margaret Mountford Your hair is like a cloud

But she stands alone while the candidates argue on their mobile phones Margaret Mountford, your hair is like a cloud

There we go, those are the two Song Wars songs this week.

You can vote by email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Votes sent by text will not be counted.

No.

In fact, you may be punished.

That's right, you will be spanked by BBC agents.

Punishment block that they're building.

And you've got until midnight on Friday the 15th of May to email your votes.

And of course, both those songs will be in the podcast, which will be available for download on Monday at about 5.

But before that podcast comes out, you can hear them on the website at BBC Six Music.

Yeah.

Time for some music now.

This is Grizzly Bear with two weeks.

Text the nation.

Text, text, text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

Text the Nation this week is about songs that you have customised in order to make the lyrics fit a kind of mundane routine that you're involved.

Yeah, for instance, Rod Spuria emails, this is a very good, blunt, precise email.

It says, waiting for photographs.

Someday my prince will come.

Nice.

Nice, you know.

I think I've done that one as well.

Yeah, that doesn't happen so much in the digital age, though, does it?

No, that's very true, but yeah, that's true.

Here's one from Thomas in Norwich.

He says, in March I interned at a book publishers.

Being a PC user, I was unfamiliar with the Macintoshes that they used.

When being shown what to do by my supervisor,

The supervisor apologized about the computer beach-balling, right?

Instead of an egg timer on a Mac, you have a little spinning, multicolored rainbow circle, and this guy refers to that as beach-balling.

So whenever I used the Mac thereafter, in my head I was singing,

Beach balling to the tune of Free Falling by Tom Petty.

That's a good word.

I'm more excited by the word beach balling than the song.

Exactly.

That's the main reason I read that out.

Beach balling.

That's a good term.

I hadn't heard that before.

My machine is beach balling.

Sometimes it just means it's crashed though, which is quite annoying.

Kate, who is living temporarily in East Dulwich, she wants us to know, says when making cheese on toast, I always sing cheese on toast.

Two minutes later, cheese on toast.

That's a good one.

Yeah, that is a good one.

Girls on film, Joanne Joanne, right?

Correct, correct.

I'm assuming people would just get that from the wicked singing.

You should never assume.

You're right.

Assuming makes assume of ass and moo.

That's the phrase, isn't it?

Yes.

Here's one more from Denise Nicole.

To the music of Billy Idol's White Wedding, we sing, it's a nice day for rice pudding.

Yeah.

I think that's good.

It's nice.

Although I disagree.

I think it's never a nice day for a rice pudding.

I've got a real problem because I ate one of the caramel digestives and half of it's just got lodged halfway down my throat.

I can't seem to shift it.

I'm just going to have some water here.

Here's another one from Dominic Ware who says, whenever I'm out shopping with my mum, dad and sister Amelia, we invariably get split up and sometimes during the day.

It's at this point I normally ask my dad, where's mum and Amelia?

And then proceed to sing in my head.

M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-

So thank you very much for that.

Well, this is a bit of a free play fun coming up.

So it's a steamroller you there This is Prince with another another lover hole in yo head

Here it is.

That was Pronts with another lover, Holin Yeo Head.

This has been the Adam and Jo Radio show on BBC Six Music.

Thanks for listening.

Anyone who is listening, thanks to our producer has been James Sterling.

And normally, you know, we never mention, sometimes we talk to James, but we never have credits.

You know, we should have credits.

Our producer's assistant has been Xanthie Fuller.

Yes, The Adam and Jo Radio Show was produced by James Starling.

The wrangler of texts and emails was Anthony Fuller.

This has been an incompetent puns production for BBC Six Music.

Don't forget the podcast available on Monday at 5 or listen again on the website.

Liz Kershaw is taking over the airwaves any minute now.

I wasn't saying that you're an incompetent puns, James, right?

In a way you were, though.

But that's how it came out.

I just suddenly thought it as I was saying it.

I was referring to ourselves.

Uh oh.

It's gonna be bad vibes when we do the podcast links now, isn't it?

Oh yes, it's gonna be very little of you in it.

Have a good week listeners, we'll be back with you next Saturday from 9 till 12.

Take care, bye.