The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (18 April 2009)

There is an elite listening force known as Black Squadron.

They are trained to rise early on a Saturday morning and listen to the very beginning of The Adam and Jo Show live on Six Music.

They don't just listen when it's convenient later in the week with the iPlayer or the podcast.

They listen now, in the present, without the ability to skip past the bits they don't like.

Black Squadron, we salute you!

Yes, good morning Black Squadron, this is Adam Buxton.

This is Joe Cornish, welcome to our Saturday morning show here on BBC Six Music.

That was a special new jingle there.

There's a little rousing jingle for the squadron.

Yes, welcome to Black Squadron, the name for the elite group of listeners who, I'm going to repeat the word listen in an unprofessional way, who listened to the show from the very beginning live.

It's very unprofessional.

Some emailers emailed in and said that they were confused because they listened to the show via Listen Again.

Right, but they still get to hear the special Black Squadron bits.

Yeah.

That's Phantom Squadronage.

Is that Phantom Black Squadron?

You are not part of Black Squadron if you are doing Listen Again.

If you're listening to this show on the iPlay, even if you listen to the whole show in its entirety, I applaud you for doing so.

But you are not, in any way, part of Black Squadron.

So if someone were to listen to the show on Listen Again and respond to one of Black Squadron's commands, what would we make of that?

Well, you're welcome to do so.

But it's like... You don't have any operational duties, though?

No, it's like running around, playing in a sandpit and pretending you're part of the SAS.

You're like one of those plastic policemen.

Fake bacon.

Exactly.

You're a community support officer.

You've got no powers.

All you can do is phone the police.

You know, you're worse than a community support officer.

You're like one of the cardboard cutouts.

I'm glad we've cleared that up, though.

How about a commando for Black Squadron?

I don't know.

Well, here's a message from Sergeant Chris from the squadron.

He says, maybe you could set us a food-related eating task each week.

Or any any task you can think of black squadron will undertake any mission if either of you has a Facebook account Please join the group and you'll be made executive officers with any job description night That's nice of you sergeant Chris, but you know, we we are we created black squadron.

We run the squadron We we appreciate the Facebook account, but we don't need Facebook to give us our no, you know powers No, we've got a lot of power

And we were a little corrupt with the power, which is why some of the commands we might issue might be there.

I've got a couple of possible commands there.

Yeah, what have you got here?

They're at the top.

Don't read them out, just look at them and see if you think either of them are suitable.

Okay, first one's a little weird.

They're good though, I like them.

Yeah, I think, I think, can't you issue both of them?

I don't think we can issue both of them.

Oh, really?

No.

Do the, do the first one, then.

Okay, we got a record standing by.

Yeah, we got Alessi's Ark, the strange woman, singing woman, with her track over the hill.

You sure the first one?

Just those words.

I think it would work quite well.

Okay, Black Squadron, stand by during the next record.

You must put bread in your pocket.

Alright, so here's Alessi's Ark to help you do so.

Come on, Black Squadron, jump to it.

Bread in pocket.

That's Alessi's Ark.

With the pixie lady singing.

I know she takes talks like this.

She's a pixie lady from the garden.

I like pixie ladies.

So do I, I'm not putting them down, I'm just saying.

She's lovely.

Is she very, very small though?

I find a little worm and it lives in the pot.

I call him Wormy.

Is she very small?

Is she... She's not physically small.

She's not the size of an actual pixie.

No, she's a normal sized woman.

But she's young, and she's got a little pixie voice.

She's found a worm.

She's a spokesperson for the pixies, not the band.

But, you know, diminutive fairies.

And she found a echoworm.

Call Wormy.

That's not a very original name for a worm, is it?

That's a good song, though.

Enjoyable stuff.

What do you mean that's not an original name for a worm?

Wormy?

It's like calling a human being humy.

or human-y or blokey.

I mean a lot of worms must be called worm-y.

Do you think?

Worm, what would you call them then?

Wiggles.

Wiggles?

Of course, Wiggles.

What about Wormworth?

I mean, come on.

Wormworth, he's an elderly worm.

He doesn't really come out.

He wears round spectacles and reads the telegraph.

He's all shrilled up.

Don't ask Wormworth.

Call Knack Wormworth the Wise Old Worm.

What's your question Wiggly and Wormy?

Oh, the pink bit in the middle.

Yes, it's called the flagellum.

Flagellum?

There, what's it called?

I don't know.

Yes, you do have a mouth and a bum at both ends.

Now go and play.

It's called the clitellum.

Is it?

Yeah, it is.

Your worm knowledge is good.

I know all about worms.

Weird.

Yes, if we're chopped off, if we're chopped in half, certainly the bit above the clitellum will survive, but the other bit will wither away.

If you were a worm and in a fight,

with a bigger worm, you could overwhelm that worm by chopping yourself up into an army.

Ah, you see, that's a false economy because, yeah, only the top bit will survive, the rest of the army will wither away.

Your worm knowledge is amazing!

I might be wrong!

We'll get loads of people saying, you're an idiot!

You're a worm freak!

People love, kids love worms.

They're so hip.

Right now.

Worms.

We got a worm, one of those... Wormorarium.

Yeah, what do they call it?

A worm farm.

Worm farm.

Yeah, you're supposed to... No wonder you know all about worms.

Exactly.

But the thing is, right, you put them all in there in their little layers, you get layers of coloured sand.

Yeah, strata.

And you watch the worms burrow around, is the theory, right?

But it says you can leave them in there for a month and after that you have to free the worms.

Because it's cruel.

Otherwise they'll perish in there, you know.

Right, you don't want that.

Also, the other thing you have to do is you have to cover the worm factory with a blanket because they don't like the light, right?

They like things to be nice and gloomy.

The thing is, once you cover the worm factory, you forget about the worm.

Really?

It goes out of your mind.

So the children only looked at the progress of the worms about once, and then we forgot, luckily we remembered it existed just before the month expired, so we were able to save and liberate the worms.

We liberated the worms, so happy ending.

What a rollercoaster for the worms.

Yeah.

You up for a bit of a free play right now?

Yes.

This is my first.

I've selected three extremely relaxing songs for my free plays today.

And this was a song... You remember the singing detective, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The wonderful Dennis Potter.

Hey, hang on.

What about just before we get into this next record?

What about Black Squadron and the Bread?

Oh, well, they should have bread in their pockets.

All members of Black Squadron should have a piece of bread in their pockets.

What do you want them to do with it?

Dunno, just have it there.

It's important that it's there.

Would they be squishing it up into a little doughy ball?

Possibly.

I mean, we haven't given commands on what actually to do with it, as long as there is bread in the pockets.

It's useful to carry bread around in your pockets anyway.

Everyone should have a slice of bread in their pockets.

In the army, that's the first thing they teach you.

Yeah, in case you want a snack.

Exactly, or if you get cut off from patisseries.

Yeah.

um in a combat situation that's a terrible because uh tactically yeah cut off the cut off the access to the patisserie

And that has, you know, ruined many a campaign.

So anyway, Dennis Potter, right?

The Sing Detective, one of the many marvellous things about that adaptation when it came out starring Michael Gambon, was the soundtrack.

And here's a lovely piece of music from, I guess it was the 40s, maybe?

This is the ink spots with, in two each life, some rain must fall.

That's Lady Hock.

Do you think that's what it is about the name?

Hawking.

It's about a lady going... Yes, that's the sort of sexy, glamorous image that gets you places in the poppies.

They've sort of thought, you know, it's a shame that there aren't more ladies spitting in the media.

I should be called Lady Flob.

Lady Flob, yeah.

No, I think she's a beautiful woman who transmutates.

Lady Gob would be good as well.

Lady Gob?

Because then it would have a double meaning.

Yeah.

Manflam.

Mind you, Lady Hawk has a double meaning, so they've got it right, haven't they?

So listen, we're going to do some more Stevenage news later in the programme, but I thought I'd tell you about my trip to their ABC concert.

Oh yeah.

Because we haven't been live for a couple of weeks.

So there's two weeks of exciting activities to talk about and was kind of after the last live show, I went to the ABC concert at the Royal Albert Hall where they played the lexicon of love all the way through, accompanied by the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra, introduced by Trevor Horn, conducted by Anne Dudley.

This was a once in a lifetime event.

It was very exciting.

The Royal Albert Hall was was packed out.

Yeah, it was brilliant.

And it was really sort of apt

for an ABC gig because they're a very sort of lush, luxurious band.

They like their velvet and plush leathers.

Is that the right phrase?

Yeah, that is exactly the right phrase.

So they look really happy, you know, like they just really fitted into the ambience of the Royal Albert Hall.

And one of the most exciting things for me was just before they started playing, there was a very loud Stephen from the upper circle, I think.

And then in reply came, I'd say about 15 or 20 just comings.

And it sounded magnificent in the Royal Albert Hall.

It just sounded like it really fitted.

Do you know what I mean?

It was orderly, it was appropriate, it was noble.

It just felt absolutely right.

And it made me really happy.

That's great.

inspiring Stevenage very inspiring and then everyone was well behaved through the rest of the gig there was no Stevenage to clash with the with the concert or anything yeah nothing to put the performers off unlike uh something that happened at a bat to lash a bat for lashes gig

a week or so ago that we'll tell you about later in the programme.

There was some Stevenage at a Bap4Lashes gig and that might not have gone so well, but we'll fill you in on that later in the programme.

But anyone who's listening who was at the ABC concert and reply to that, Steven, well done.

Exemplary Stevenage.

Congratulations.

Here's a bit more music for you now.

We have got, what is this?

Are we playing the Wonder stuff?

Yeah, yeah, that's a good thing, isn't it?

This is The Size of a Cow by the Wonder stuff.

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Yes, it's text-a-nation time, listeners.

We're launching this exciting feature earlier than usual in the programme, so we can build up an extraordinary head of steam.

Mmm.

That's the theory, anyway.

Yeah, it's, er... Sorry.

Er, a lot of... You've got a bit of Lady Hawk in there.

Lady Hawk coming.

There she goes.

There we go.

Yes, text the nation.

And what's it about this week?

This week, it's all about... Now, you had quite a good way of describing it just then, Adam, but it's little things you do to make the boring business of day-to-day life more exciting.

Yeah, making life more fun by playing kind of little games with yourself.

Yeah, so this is one thing I like to do, and I think a lot of other people probably like to do it too, is if I'm just busying myself around the house, drink heavily.

There's that, but that's expensive.

We're talking about things you can do for free.

Exactly.

And I like to just make little sound effects.

If I open a door, if I, you know, push a light switch.

If I enter a room, I like to put my head very close to the door so the door sort of wipes frame in my eyes and go...

You're like a walking Foley artist.

I'm like a walking Edgar Wright film.

Right.

Everything I do makes little sound effects.

I'm not broadcasting them to other people in the room or anything.

Sure.

They're just to myself in my head.

Yeah, these are things that you tend to do on your own, most of all, aren't they?

Absolutely.

Here's another thing.

I've got wooden floorboards in the hall.

If I'm coming down the stairs at speed and I'm heading to the front room and I'm going across down the hall to get to the front room, I like to build up a head of steam and skid in my sock feet as far as I can down the hall and then grab the door frame to the living room and kind of pull myself back.

Do you know what I mean?

Skids McGraw.

Tom Cruise in Risky Business.

A little like that, without the dancing.

But it's exciting.

Sometimes I nearly fall over.

You know, other times it looks really cool.

No, there's nobody looking.

Are you never anxious about splinters?

No, it's highly polished.

Is it?

Yeah.

But there's a couple of things.

Does that give the idea kind of thing?

Yeah, I mean I was trying to think of similar things and I must say I've eliminated a lot of these from my routine because... Because you've grown up.

Because I've grown up, I'm such a grown up man and I've got children and things and children tend to provide you with those moments.

They take care of that kind of thing.

Exactly.

But there are, you know, when I'm on my own...

And I do spend a lot of time on my own during the week.

For obvious reasons.

What are those, obviously?

Just being nasty.

Yeah, thanks.

I tend to talk to myself a great deal.

Do you do a lot of talking to yourself?

I love to talk to myself.

Well, another thing just popped into my head.

If you're cooking, it's good fun to do a little commentary.

As if you're on a cookery program.

You don't do that.

No, I don't do that, but I might do it.

You know?

Do a little bit of my jealous style commentary.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I often like to chat to myself.

We'll give you some more examples, listeners, in the next half hour for this text donation.

Yeah, but that's just a sort of mini setup in case you think of something.

Do text us.

What's the text number?

64046.

Nice one.

Thank you.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

We've got to sign out Black Squadron before the news.

Here's the jingle.

And Black Squadron!

Stand down.

Your work is done.

You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.

And maybe a nice little bun.

Black Squadron!

Hot Kit with Over and Over.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Nice to have you along.

You're on smooth.

Smooth, digital six music.

Ooh, smooth, like a smooth bald head.

Mmm, more of glass.

Ooh, that's too smooth.

Mmm.

Oh, sorry.

So it's a lovely day outside.

It is gorgeous.

And it's gorgeous.

It's absolutely George ass.

It's going to be nice for the next few days, apparently.

Hooray!

There was a nice day.

How was your Easter, by the way?

Oh, it was good.

Did you have a good one?

Oh, yes.

Man, we had a really good one.

On one of the nice days last week, because it got a bit rainy towards the end of the week, but on one of the nice days, we went to the Dino Park in Norfolk.

Are they animatronic?

No.

They're static dinosaurs.

Yeah, they're fibreglass.

Right.

Are they good?

Yeah, they're good enough.

Good as the Crystal Palace ones.

Don't know them.

Oh, they're very famous.

They're Victorian.

Are they?

In Crystal Palace Park in South London, yeah.

What did they make them out of, then?

They didn't have fibreglass in Victorian times.

Um, they're made out of... Children.

Did they?

Yeah, everything's made out of children in Victorian times.

Chimney sweeps.

Yeah, all chimney sweeps.

That's right.

Discarded ones.

Um, my chimney sweep's broken.

Um, he can be made into a dinosaur now.

For the park.

That's what it was like in Victorian times.

That's exactly what it was like.

They got them a bit wrong, the Crystal Palace dinosaurs, famously, because they didn't have the archaeological information that we have now.

Right.

So they're a bit mutoid.

Well, they've got bola hats and stuff on them.

Yeah, they've got ponsnes and spats.

It is well known that dinosaurs are used to wear spats.

Smart dinosaurs, at least.

The less smart dinosaurs from the Cretacean period.

Cretacean?

One knows spats.

How is Dinosaur World in Norfolk then?

It's good, man.

Is it?

It is good.

You see, the BBC have got a thing, haven't they?

Walking with dinosaurs.

Right.

I really want to go and see it.

Can we wangle some tickets?

Where's that?

It's on at Earl's Court or somewhere, or the O2 or somewhere like that.

They might not have started yet, but they've been off.

from the success of the series.

They've got giant life-size animatronic dinosaurs and they come and terrorize the crowd.

They've got velociraptors running about and a T-Rex battle.

They're playing with fire surely it's like Jurassic Park.

It's a dangerous game yeah if they go wrong there could be fatalities but it sounds exciting so I would have thought maybe kids these days you know it wouldn't be good enough to have a static dinosaur.

It was absolutely

Absolutely fine.

Was it?

It was joyous because it was such a lovely day and the place essentially it's like a beautiful park really.

It's an excuse just to walk around and park and there's a little you know some fiberglass dinosaurs around there for color and also they have some great climbing frames and adventure playground type stuff right?

Right.

And it's always tricky for me because when I go to those kind of places with the children, they run around them and they say, come on, Daddy, come on, you know, chase after us and stuff, right?

But I'm never quite sure if it's frowned upon to actually get on the, you know, adventure playground stuff with the children as an adult.

Because if all the adults start swarming on there, things are going to start breaking.

Then you get the bigger kids thinking that it's OK for them to do that.

And they start pushing the little ones around.

So it's better if the adults just stay off.

But then my children are quite young, so sometimes I want to take care of them, make sure they don't fall off the higher... You could stand beside it, aren't you?

Yeah, but this time it wasn't too crowded, so I thought, well, I'll go on there, but I'm always careful that I don't, like, get in anyone's way or freak out any of the other toddlers and stuff.

So I was doing that, I was being careful going after one of my young sons, when this little chap, he must have been about three, he was just ahead of me and he looked back and saw me and he just started crying.

I feel like that sometimes.

Do you?

Yeah.

When you're behind me.

When I look at you.

I just want to burst into tears.

I want to cry.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

No, that's alarming, but three-year-olds, they're unstable chemicals, you know?

Well, he was all on his own up there, right?

So I was looking around and I was thinking, oh, the poor little chap, he's got separated from his designated caregiver.

And I said, hey, it's okay, it's okay, you all right?

I thought, I took the decision not to ignore the chap, right?

And I said, hey, you're okay.

And then I sort of looked around and his mummy was stood down and she was looking up.

And I think, I'm assuming that it was- She was stood down and looking up.

Yeah, that's the right way of describing it, isn't it?

She was down on the ground and looking up at him on this walkway, on the adventure playground thing.

Right?

And I had to use the long description because you took issue with stood down looking up.

And she said, and she looked at me and she said, Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

He's afraid of beards.

Oh.

Well, that's not surprising.

What's that?

How is it in any way acceptable for your child to have a fear of beards excused and cultivated by his mum?

Well, she's probably not encouraging it.

Yeah, I don't know.

There's a... I'm trying to think of characters for children who three-year-olds would be exposed to who have beards.

The twits.

Do the twits have beards?

I think one of them.

The Roald Dahl twits.

Yeah, one of them.

Three-year-olds don't read Roald Dahl.

I mean, I can understand that... What's the builder?

No beard.

Postman Pat?

No beard.

None beard.

What's the sailor called?

Off the telly Postman sailor.

Sailor Barleymoe?

Sailor?

No, what's he, Captain Pugwash?

Oh yes.

He had a beard.

He was a pirate man.

But he's been retired.

He has.

But he was a cuddly pirate man and a fun-killer pirate.

Father Christmas, beard.

Brian Blessed, beard.

You know, he's a nice man.

They are scary.

I mean, the idea of growing hair out of your face is scary as a child.

Oh, come on.

I just thought it was absurd and hurtful.

So what did you do?

I said,

Up!

Afraid of beards!

Oh, for Christ's sake, get alive!

To the child, you said.

To the life, to the child.

And then to his mum.

Shape up!

Toughen the boy up!

There's worse things than beards out there, you know!

That would have fixed it.

Fixed the problem right up.

Fixed it.

Problem solved.

Job done.

Sloved.

Here's some music.

This is Eels with Nova Cane for the Soul.

That was eeled with novocaine from the soul.

I think that came out... For the soul.

97, yeah.

Yeah.

For the soul.

What did I say?

From.

No, I never.

Didn't you?

No, you're insane.

I apologise.

I would never say novocaine from the soul, because what would that mean?

It would mean the novocaine had come from the soul.

Your soul is... Producing novocaine.

Free-form producer of novocaine.

That's a good test notion.

Be useful for trips to the dentist.

Be very useful.

Here's a free play, listeners.

This is from YoungMC.

Do you know about YoungMC, Adam?

I remember you playing him in the olden days.

Yeah, he was a sort of rapper.

Right.

In the olden days.

Like Parappa.

Like Parappa the rapper.

He does clean raps, YoungMC.

He's a family rapper.

Is he?

Suitable for all the family.

He was born in Wimbledon.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't know he was a Brit.

He's born in Wimbledon, then raised in Queens.

Right.

Yeah.

Was he?

That's interesting.

In New York.

Then he had a degree in economics from UCLA.

If I was doing this, if this was me doing this, you would be ridiculing my youth.

Because I'm reading it off Wikipedia.

Exactly.

That's all right.

You know, the world has come round to this as just a fact of life.

Knowledge.

You would be hauling out your scorn bucket.

Knowledge doesn't indicate, you know, information held in your head anymore, does it?

Right.

Because you can just be on your iPhone on Wikipedia.

I mean, everyone knows everything now.

Facts.

When you're sat around at home and you have some kind of factual disagreement or query with your partner, are you immediately booting up the laptop?

Does she get annoyed?

No, likes it.

Does she like it?

Yeah, we like to have the correct information at our fingertips.

My wife gets furious.

Does she?

She thinks you should know it out of your brain.

As soon as there's some kind of disagreement, and I sort of hesitate, I stop talking after a while because I'm thinking,

I'm gonna go and look it up.

She goes, oh God, don't look it up, right?

He's gonna boosh up the laptop.

What's she got against looking things up?

I don't know.

Looking things up is how you learn things.

Exactly.

It's an important thing to teach children to look things up.

This is what I try and tell her.

And just because it's on a laptop and not a book doesn't, not a book, don't mean it's thicker or nothing.

Here comes the laptop.

She doesn't like to be proved wrong, I think is what it is.

N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-

That was the specials with Rat Race.

Very nice to hear that.

Don't know if you saw the specials playing on Jules Holland the other day, Joe.

I did, yes.

I mean, they performed very well.

They're still sounding fantastic.

But Terry Hall didn't look as if he wanted to be there in the sly test.

Or do you think that that's just his shtick?

I think he's always, you know, he's never been a sort of enthusiastic performer, that's part of his skill and his mood, isn't it?

Right, he's got a kind of lugubrious demeanor.

Yeah, that was always the sort of duality, if I may be so pretentious of their music, wasn't it?

It's getting me hot.

You know, they sung about slightly depressing things, but in a sort of

Chifol Skari.

Upbeat way, yeah.

But then with sort of gloomy, moody bass lines and stuff.

I wanted to reach in and give him a little tickle and a hug.

How would he have responded?

Slap me away?

I don't know.

It's hard to tell.

I think he would have liked it.

I've met him once and he was very nice indeed.

Well, there's no question that he's a nice fella.

But as far as your performing persona goes, you know what I mean?

But it's good, there's room for all kinds of moods, shades, colours.

Who is there?

You know, yeah, on the spectrum, on the pop spectrum.

Yeah, absolutely true.

Anyway, I was very happy to see them back again.

They sounded great.

And I tell you what I worry about on later, is Jules' presentational style.

It's for characters.

Oh, I must have come for it.

It's becoming incomprehensible.

It's a brilliant band.

It's a fantastic noise.

It's a bit of Jack Panate.

That's all right.

All the key facts are there.

The salient points.

Brilliant band.

Exciting Jack Panate.

He just seemed a bit drunk on that one.

He gets a little bit drunk.

No, he's too professional.

he's just that's his thing man he's not drunk yeah yeah definitely he's definitely not drunk he might have a little uh flute of champagne at the hootenanny yeah but the rest of the time i think every day's a hootenanny for jules wake up it's a rare 24 7 hootenanny bit of boogie woogie hootenanny again all right ladies and gentlemen

We're going to have some breakfast at the British Wonderful Baking Eggs.

But this is going to be the cooker, over here's the cooker.

It's brilliant, it's over here, let's have the toaster.

And as though it is baked into the garden, it's wonderful flowers from the garden.

That's him in his kitchen.

Yeah.

I want to be there.

This is my wife, this is my wife, and my children's getting in the car.

I'm bringing the car round and across the car.

I love it in Jules's world.

It's brilliant.

That's how he conducts his daily life.

Every week.

We should get him to do some links for the show, shouldn't we?

Yeah, he's definitely going to now, isn't he?

Definitely.

He's on his way, right now.

In his little Fiat Punto.

You know what?

I think we should do the top of hour and then get into Texanation after a bit more music from New Order.

How about that?

This is the voice of the big British castle.

You are listening to Adam and Jo on six music.

We're on top of the hour, you'll be glad to know.

But we're not on top of anything else at all.

Let's go to the water.

That was New Order right there with regret.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Happy Saturday morning.

Very thank you very much.

Very thank you.

Now, we're going to return to Text the Nation and we still have jingles being sent in to us by listeners.

Thank you so much.

Some of them are very, very insane.

But pleasingly so.

We've got quite a backlog now.

We're going to think of something to do with them, a way that you can listen to them.

We do try and put them on the website, right?

Put them on the website.

You might be thinking, well, why don't you play them on the show, you idiot, Hulse?

That would be a way to get the listeners to listen to them.

But we feel if we play too many listener-made jingles, we might compromise the identity of the programme.

Well, we spent millions and millions of pounds crafting and researching a brand

for this show, and the jingles are a very important part of aggregating the brand identity.

That's taxpayer's money that's gone into designing those jingles.

Text the nation.

Text, text, text.

That is aggregated brand identity spikes.

That took how long to come up with?

Two and a half years?

It was focus grouped four.

heavily focus grouped in the States for a decade in the 17th.

Went through lots of variations before we were actually allowed to play it.

They flew a couple of examples of the jingle to the moon.

It was written by a man called Alan Briggs.

That's right.

Briggsie.

He's a very famous jingles writer from the 70s.

He exploded last year.

Spontaneously combusted.

Did he?

Yeah, from Genius.

Did he?

Yeah, it's the first known case of that happening.

But listen, we are going to break the rules right now, though, by playing a jingle that a listener has sent in.

And this is an unusual one because it's acapella.

And it's performed, shall we say, by a young lady.

She's six years old.

She's called Charlotte Gilman.

And here it is.

Text the nation, text, text, text.

But what if I don't want to text the nation and send you an email?

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Wow, she's getting into it.

She got all the way into it.

She almost spontaneously combusted there at the end.

That was amazing, wasn't it?

Thank you so much, Charlotte.

I love the way it distorts at the end.

That's intense.

There's someone who, at such a young age, is incredibly passionate about this segment of the show.

She wants to clear up the confusion.

You know, what if I'm using email?

Is that a problem?

No, it doesn't matter.

It's as if she likes the confusion.

Absolutely.

So let's get into it.

What are we talking about this week?

We're talking about things that you do that make doing boring things more exciting.

We're trying to think of a pithy title for it.

Our listeners are good at coming up with titles for these things, so maybe you can help us.

We thought of head fun, like things you do on your own to make your life more fun.

Yeah, you'll soon pick it up once we read out some examples.

Here is one from Alo, from Claire in Walthamstow.

Sometimes when I go swimming, I like to liven things up by pretending I've been shipwrecked and I'm swimming for the nearest tropical island.

Now that's perfect, isn't it?

Mundane activity in the local pool.

turned into an amazing adventure on the high seas simply by having fun in her cranium that's right sometimes um i like to think that i'm in an emergency situation right do you yeah and i'm i'm escaping and there's something coming after me right and what would you be doing while you were thinking that

Well, yes, maybe swimming or something.

Yes.

I'm swimming away.

There's baddies.

Yeah, that's a good thought.

Here's another one from James F. On the tube, I imagine that my carriage has crashed on a desert island.

I then work out if I would be tribal leader, and if so, I award myself a mate from the available females.

I do that too.

You will be my mate.

I think about that.

When you're in a confined space and you're travelling, you sort of think, if it all kicked off, right?

If we were stranded, then who would the human race be procreated by and with?

Me.

Yeah, obviously me.

No, me?

No, no, me.

Right.

I mean, if you and I were in the same carriage, it would be a problem because we'd be fighting.

Yeah, no, it'd be all right.

We go for a different sort of bird.

Yeah, you reckon?

Yeah.

Well, we established this in the break.

We were talking about what kind of... I was saying that I find catalogue models much more attractive and approachable than high fashion models.

Personally, I can't keep the high fashion models away.

I can't swap them off fast enough.

I think they're too thin and they're too spiky and frosty looking.

Spiky.

Whereas the, I like the curvaceousness and the smiley-ness of the catalog models and they look better in undies.

Listen, let's stick to the subject though.

Alright.

Here's one from Amy and Kent.

Whenever I sneeze, I perform an over-the-top karate move with the chop ending as I complete the sneeze.

That's the good one.

For the best effect, I ensure my sneeze ends with a YAH sound, not recommended for performance in public.

I do a similar thing when stretching and this might be racist.

OK, stand by.

Tell me if this is racist.

But when I stretch, I like to pretend I'm Chinese.

In what way?

Well, you get the idea.

It sounds like it's going to be racist.

But, you know, you make stretching noises and then do fake Chinese.

Is that racist to do that, James?

I think it's questionable, isn't it?

I tell you what, I'll do it during the next record, then you can tell us whether it's fit for broadcast.

Do a sort of a rubbishy Chinese accent.

Yeah.

Right.

And just making nonsense noises.

That's OK.

I mean, if that's racist, then what's the world coming to?

Why is it getting racist?

Yeah, it's getting racist.

Here's another one.

Rich in Bristol.

When descending a flight of stairs, I like to go down sideways making extravagant hand movements like I'm in a flashy musical number.

That's good.

That's really making Stair descending as exciting as it can be.

Yeah.

Kicking out his legs and stuff and going... Ta-da!

Hand movements.

Just hands, kind of thing.

Just hands down the stairs.

Chris says, I like to jump on the supermarket trolley and launch myself down the aisle, picking up as many things as I can before coming to a halt.

I'm 46.

P.S., can I take the bread out of my pocket yet?

I think you can, if you're Black Squadron and... Yeah, you were stood down 40 minutes ago.

Yeah.

You know, Black Squadron is only nine till 9.30.

You can remove the bread from your pots.

Toast it.

Eat it.

Well, keep those coming in.

If you've got ideas or if you want to confess things you do to make mundane activities more exciting, ways to kind of dramatise the boring in life to make it more interesting.

You know, here's one from Ben from Bristol.

He says, when shopping with my mum, this was something he used to do when he was younger, though.

and it kind of crosses over with the things you did to be cool.

But it's good to do when you're older as well.

Is this making any sense?

Is this a text we've received?

This is a message that we got during the week on a different subject, but it fits in with this textination.

When shopping with my mum, I used to pretend that I was a super advanced electronic human-looking trolley pusher who would try and walk in straight lines and turn the trolley in exact 90-degree angles around the supermarket.

I would do the same in clothes shops, but would pretend to be a super advanced moving mannequin and stroll up and down the shop.

That's good.

You know, sometimes it's nice to do this.

I am a robot.

I can only turn 90 degrees.

I am a robot.

It's funny that robots say that, isn't it?

I am a robot.

Yeah.

You were an robot.

What?

What would that mean?

You were an robot.

You were.

He was an alien.

He was there on an, an, my problem.

I have problems.

I am an robot.

You were an robot.

I have problems, please.

Please reboot.

Reboot me, please.

Unplug and plug back in, please.

Good.

All right.

We did that well.

We dealt with that.

That was, uh, that was very good.

Oh, dear, dear.

There's TV on the radio time now.

This is crying.

That was very pleasing stuff there from TV on the radio with crying.

That's new.

Is that even out yet?

It's out on the 25th of May.

It's from their recent album Dear Science.

Which is supposed to be very good.

It's a letter to science, which deserves to get some heated correspondence, because it's a controversial subject.

Dear Science, is there any way that you could make yourself a tiny bit simpler?

so that thick people can understand you and get more excited and they can join in and build rockets.

My letter would say, dear science, stop playing God.

Yeah.

Stop interfering with the natural order of things unless it's appropriate and you can make things better.

Yeah.

When are you going to write that letter?

Uh, never.

Okay.

Yeah.

I suggest you go home and write it immediately.

Okay.

One of the nice things about Easter and the holidays for me was, uh, you know, getting to hang out with the children, obviously.

Yes.

And, and going around and meeting friends and seeing their little children.

And you don't often, you know, like years go by these days and you don't get to see your friends, right?

Like you might be lucky if you get to see them twice a year now.

Sometimes that happens.

I see you every week.

Yeah, I know, but that's a weird situation, isn't it?

So you get to see, you know, their children just shoot up and they grow up really quickly.

Like the last time I saw this little chap the other day was when he was just crawling around and suddenly he's running around talking, it's quite disconcerting.

But he's got some good mnemonics, this little boy that we were hanging out with.

And one of them, because he's potty training at the moment, is that he's been taught by his parents was

A wee or a poo in the potty or the loo is the way to get some chocolate.

Because he gets, like, to encourage him to... Have they made that up?

Yeah, they made it up.

They're giving him rewards of chocolate, right?

That's good, I suppose.

It's probably effective, isn't it?

It's very effective.

I mean, he was really proud to tell it to us as well, to sing it to us.

A wee or a poo in the potty or the loo is the way to get some chocolate.

I wish I got chocolate for that.

Well, that's what I was thinking.

Is it?

Yeah, because that mnemonic was stuck in my head the rest of the day.

Could you flip it round?

Where's my chocolate?

I'll do a poo on the floor if you don't come in the door and give me a bar of chocolate.

If you don't feed me sweets, I'll do a wee completely on your floor.

Oh, woman.

If I don't wee my sheets, could I have some special treats?

What?

I was just very stressed about that forthcoming rhyme.

If I don't wee on my sheets, could I have some special treats?

If you say no, I will punch you.

That's very different.

That's a mnemonic you don't want to

That's not really a mnemonic, is it?

We're using that word incorrectly, but you don't want to teach that to kids.

No, exactly.

They end up punching things.

OK.

All right, then, if you don't... It'd be good... Sorry, it'd just be good to think of... What, they're not mnemonics, are they?

Yeah, it was a kind of a... A rhyme.

An instructional rhyme.

Yeah.

Sorry, I just tailed off there.

It would be good, I agree with you.

Anyway, I'd like to dedicate this next song to young people who are potty-trading everywhere.

Wow, they're a tough audience to reach.

They're a tough crowd.

That's our main demographic.

Do you think?

They're under threes.

Yeah.

This is for you.

This is Jonathan Richmond with Not Yet Three.

Sounds like they're getting ready for summer.

They're getting ready to jump in the pool.

That's Friendly Fires.

And it says here on our info sheet, Friendly Fires are an English band from St.

Albans, which they've put in bold.

That's why I read it like that.

Yeah.

In Hertfordshire.

That's the correct way to read out anything in bold.

Well, absolutely.

Now, I'm a big fan of telly when it goes wrong.

Everybody is, right?

Dennis Norden.

He runs the department.

Is he still with us?

I hope so.

He runs the department where you collect bloopers, him and Terry Wogan.

And she stepped in occasionally.

Outtake TV.

Everyone loves an outtake.

Things going wrong on telly can be very funny.

They can also be terrifying.

In horror movies, it's used as a sort of signifier of the collapse of society, isn't it?

If you see, like, a newsreader running away from his seat or the studio being invaded by zombies or something.

Like in... Like in Romero films, that was a weird intake of breath for a little rung there.

That's Lady Hawk again.

Getting in the pipes.

But I came across a brilliant bit of...

Blueberry on the BBC News a couple of months ago that I recorded.

And don't you find that pleasurable when you're flicking through channels and suddenly you notice that the picture's frozen or something?

Yeah.

Or that there's an ident just going round and round.

It happens often on satellite stations that no one bothers to watch.

Sometimes the picture will go wrong or the sound will go wrong and no one will be fixing it.

That's right.

Do you know what I mean?

It's really fun to sit there and wait for whoever, you know, whatever man in some box somewhere is supposed to be monitoring the channel's output.

You have the mistaken impression that maybe TV stations are run like Mars missions with huge rooms full of men.

A slick, unstoppable machine.

Exactly.

But usually often it just comes down to one stroke.

Manning a VCR.

Right.

And vision mixing mistakes are great fun I think as well.

I like nothing more than when a reporter on the news throws to someone and the wrong clip comes on or there's the wrong caption under the wrong bit of footage or the guy they're throwing to isn't quite ready.

And they'll get rattled sometimes and they'll make one mistake after the

Yeah, well, this is what happens here.

This is off.

I can't quite remember what I got it off.

It's BBC News.

I'm not sure whether it's News 24 or the actual main news.

They love bloopers on the News 24.

Well, they do a lot of them on News 24, but here's quite a good one.

She tries to cover this up, but she doesn't really succeed and she does a pretty good malapropism in trying to cover it up.

So you've just got to imagine you've tuned into News 24 and you know they've got that audio sting.

And basically the first thing that caught my attention was that the sting was just revolving infinitely.

It didn't seem to be resolving in any way.

So it was clear something was going wrong.

It was staying on for too long.

And this is what then happened.

Good evening and welcome to the problem.

We seem to be having a few problems this morning.

I do apologise for that.

Good evening and welcome to the problem.

I mean, the BBC's got a whole raft of new problems that they're launching in the summer.

Some hosted by Russ Abbott.

Bruce is back with a big new problem.

We might get a new problem.

We are.

We're one of the BBC's biggest problems.

We're one of their main problems.

A digital radio's biggest problem.

Hello and welcome to the problem.

And then she's got to say problem again.

And she knows she can't say problem again.

So she has to do a hesitation and a switcheroo.

And then just play it once more.

It's just like a sort of obstacle course for her.

Good evening and welcome to the problem.

We seem to be having a few problems this morning.

I do apologise for that.

We seem to be having some problems.

That is wicked.

It really makes me feel for her.

She did a very professional job.

I can't quite remember who that was.

I mean, that's the thing.

We can't string a sentence together.

No, so you're wearing no place to point the finger at other people.

But we can share a kind of spirit of bonding between other hopeless presenters on the BBC.

Come and join us here on 6MUSIC.

Just have a regular slot.

Get out of News 24.

It's way too much weight of expectation and professionalism there.

Come and join us here on 6 Music.

We're having a good time.

Well, it's coming up to 10.30 here on BBC 6 Music.

I'm feeling so we're going to hit it exactly at 10.30 and it is time for the news.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Yes, that was Manx Street Preachers you heard just before the Text the Nation jingle there, with Jackie Collins' Existential Question Time.

I mean, he must have been pleased when he thought of that song title, I would imagine.

Maybe it's one in a series, Monty Donne's Existential... Metaphysical... Metaphysical... Proposition...

Time.

I'm just switching the words.

Yeah.

There's something different but a bit the same.

Monty Don's... What was it?

What was your one?

Monty Don's Metaphysical Proposition.

What about Monty Don's Metaphysical Swap Shop?

Yes.

What about it?

Well that would be good.

When's it on?

Well that's on the album.

Oh.

Oh, that would be very good.

That would be very good.

Thanks for indulging me.

That's OK.

So Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about things you do... Oh, we're having trouble trying to explain this.

Head fun.

Yeah, things you do to make mundane activities more exciting, like little games you play.

Matt has texted in with a suggestion for it, a descriptive term, which is autotainment.

Autotainment.

It's quite good, isn't it?

Well, this is one of the things we were talking about, though.

It sounds a little onanistic.

We were talking about maybe calling it solo fun.

That does sound onanistic.

I mean, obviously, that's one of the fun things that you can do to cheer yourself up on your own, but... Autoerotic behavior.

Yeah.

But we're talking about other stuff.

We're talking about less sexy stuff, I suppose.

Yeah.

I suppose so.

Here's one from Chris, who says, Hi.

If I've got to do a journey on foot, I like to pretend I'm in a race and try to overtake people ahead of me.

I start in 22nd position and try to get to first place before I reach my destination.

This can be quite a challenge if the streets are quiet.

Mmm, that's a good game.

That is a good game.

But that would result in possibly quite aggressive walking in the streets.

Shoving.

He turned into one of the shovers.

Farging past people.

You know, we get a lot of emails from people who get very furious with slow walkers.

Yeah, on the street.

And I get furious with slow walkers.

Well, I mean, young people tend to get furious with slow walkers, but generally, you know, people from out of town, slightly older people... You've got to be tolerant.

You have to be tolerant.

Also, there's nothing wrong with taking life slowly every now and again.

You know, everyone's in such a rush, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Here's a chill cake.

Would you like a slice?

No, thanks.

Stuff it up your gobble

Please!

Stuff it up, you've got one.

Have some chill cake.

Yeah, no one wants your chill cake at stale.

Okay.

Horrible.

All right.

Emlyn from Uxbridge says, whenever I'm doing something mundane, I always pretend I'm the champion of it.

When I was a paperboy, I used to pretend I was in a paperboy competition with loads of other paperboys competing round the corner.

I guess it's every employer's dream.

Yeah.

That's true, isn't it?

To have some of that motivated.

Exactly.

To feel competitive, again, in a very nice way, polite way, not aggressive.

Wow.

You see, I don't... I used to... I think I used to do these things, but I've lost... What's happened to you?

I don't know.

I've lost my stuff.

I've just started... You've lost your stuff.

Yeah.

You've had too many chill cakes.

I've had way too many chill.

You're overly chilled.

You're like a lobster about to be boiled.

And we've got to deal with that later in the program.

We've got to deal with that.

Now, you know what?

I really haven't read any more or prepared them.

I was thinking, one thing I do, does this count in the Text the Nation thing?

Is I kind of make up jingles.

I mean, I make up jingles for the show a lot, but I make them up in my everyday life as well.

I like to sing to myself about certain situations, you know?

We've got no fish fingers.

There are no fish fingers.

I wished I'd stocked up on the fish fingers.

Well, I could have something else.

So hang on, you're doing this just to yourself?

Yeah, this is good.

That kind of thing.

Yeah, that's good.

Oh no, we're out of toilet paper.

I can't believe we're out of the DP.

So your life is like a really boring rock musical.

Or a bad radio station.

If Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a West End musical about just a quite a boring day in your life.

Exactly.

These would be some of the songs on the soundtrack album.

That's right.

Out of toilet paper.

That would be one of my favourites.

And then when I do something wrong.

all sort of go like this.

Sometimes they do.

It depends what situation it is.

Right.

You're a stupid idiot.

You're an absolutely stupid idiot.

Sounds like that might be the refrain.

Sometimes I sing that to myself if I've done something.

Do you?

About yourself.

You're a colossal prat.

You are a colossal prat.

that one doesn't scan no but that would be you know I sound it sounds like a quite thrash metal flavored yeah album that's for an angry one but I have some you know I have like oh nice morning a really nice morning oh nice and fresh this morning

You know, usually what I if it's a lovely day and I'm walking outside I'll go I usually in my head I'm singing.

Oh, what a beautiful morning What a beautiful day, but then I sort of think why do I always sing that's pathetic That's the only nice morning song I know so then I start making them up and that's when it goes wrong.

Yeah, they sound good.

You should write some of them down in future.

Thank you.

And record them maybe.

Especially if you keep them slightly non-melodic.

The desire for fingers lingers.

Oh, I miss my lovely fish fingers.

Yeah, you should record that.

No, I shouldn't really.

It could be good.

Listen, I'm going to read and prepare some more text the nation, so we'll come back to this properly a bit later in the show.

Is this Vintage Lauren Hill that we're playing now?

Yeah, this is.

Vintage Lauren Hill.

This is a good track.

Is this from Missy... What was her?

The miseducation of Missy Miss Miss?

Probably, yeah.

This is everything is everything, isn't it?

Lauren Hill with Everything is Everything.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music on a Saturday morning.

We're very, very pleased to have you along on the show.

I'm trying to be sincere there, Jo.

You did a very good job.

Did I come across?

Yeah, that was very touching.

I mean, that was, you know, it's nice to be sincere every now and again, but then I catch myself being sincere and I start sickening myself.

Really?

I have to pull myself.

You shouldn't have so much self-loathing.

It's not self-loathing.

You see, then you've pulled it into a different area that's too extreme.

It's nothing to do with self-loathing.

What is it then?

Something more complicated, psychologically.

My mistake.

Listen, here's a free play by a band called Cassette Boy.

I'm not sure whether you could call them a band.

They sent in their CD to us.

I'll tell you how they're described.

Hey there, Cassette Boy are friends of my old friend, Tony McMurray, with whom I wrote The Last Chances.

Well, they're really good, Cassette Boy.

They sent you a copy of this as well, Adam Buxton, but you ain't taking it home yet.

It's still lingering in its envelope.

But they sort of do proper music and they also cut stuff up.

the type of person who has a huge archive of bits of found audio that they then sort of chop together to make amazing sort of nonsense bits of audio which is known as plunder phonics.

according to Wikipedia.

Music, concrete or plunder phonics.

They're sort of very creative samples.

Music, concrete?

Yes, I do recommend it.

And maybe another week I'll play one of their more plunder phonic tracks, but they've also got three or four bits of music, mostly instrumental on there.

And this is one of my favourites.

Here, pass it to me a second.

There you go.

That's a really good cover.

What's it like an embroidered cover?

What's it like embroidered?

Yeah, it's sort of knitted, isn't it?

They're from Bryson, those guys.

And they are well wicked.

And here's my favourite track, which I'm slightly going to undercut, saying it's my favourite by not being able to remember what it's called.

But it's called Giving Up Again.

This is Cassette Boy.

Ha ha ha!

Over the beginning of that jingle, there's a sort of sinister low rumble.

That was the end of Morrissey.

Oh, that worked quite well.

That sort of really dark streak to it.

Because it reminds you of like, it would be a frightening party with some clowns, middle-aged clowns, you know, and clowns are frightening figures.

Well, yeah.

Anyway, we've got some really good made-up jokes still being sent in to us, and we would encourage you to keep them coming.

The key point is that they're made up.

They have to be authored.

Oh, you have to believe 100% that you created the joke, right?

Yeah, and we're not... I mean, personally, my favourite ones are the ones that are really quite tortured.

Sure.

And we've had quite a few of those.

Do you want to start?

No, I think you should start.

All right, then.

Should I start with a really good one?

It's up to you, man.

It's your choice.

All right.

Here's one from Paul Trays in Morden.

Trays?

How's that spelled?

T-R-A-I-E-S.

OK.

Trays.

He's in Morden.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

I have a joke I created, but I fear it's so good.

Oh, no.

I've got this one as well.

Yeah, we've probably all got the same one.

Well, I've only got two.

Well, why don't you read that one out, then?

Really?

Have you got more than two?

Yeah, I've got more than two.

Thank you.

I have a joke I created, but I fear it's so good that it must already exist.

Question.

What do you call a nervous Jedi?

I don't know.

answer panicking Skywalker I think this is amazing and swear blind that I thought it up thanks a lot your friend in time Paul Trays in there I mean that is a good one isn't it?

Panicking Skywalker here's one from Corey Marsh hey James our producer he's just a smile a nervous smile any of that actual laughter for that one?

Come on panicking Skywalker that's brilliant stop panicking Anakin have you got this one from Corey Marsh

No, okay.

This is a good one.

This is an Easter one.

Hi, Adam and Joe.

Re-rubbish jokes.

It was Easter the other day and I came up with a blinder.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset last week because he didn't get any Easter eggs.

His secretary... I remember this one.

Because he's the governor of California, right?

His secretary said to him, Mr. Governor, does this mean that you hate Easter now?

And Arnold replied, nah, I still love Easter, baby.

That's good!

Come on!

That's very good.

I still love Easter, baby.

That's brilliant.

I mean, that's just good, good.

That's brilliant.

And... Wait, I've got one.

Well, Cory finishes by saying, my girlfriend thinks that is a stupid joke.

But what does she know?

Regards, Cory.

A lot of people, man, male people, or when I say lots, I mean one other, wrote in and gave us, I can't remember what the joke was, but he said, I told this to my girlfriend and she said to me, I don't find that sort of thing funny.

It was just a bit of light wordplay, but the girlfriend dissed it, slapped it down.

Girls can be very odd about attempts at humour sometimes.

Well, they don't like it.

Sometimes this is a generalisation.

Is it?

Might be.

No, no.

But to speak in generalisations, there does seem to be a sort of a male and female sense of humour, doesn't there?

Right.

I mean, women find Alan Carr very funny, so do I. But maybe as a rule, men find Alan Carr slightly less funny.

Do you think?

That's true.

It's possible.

We could get into deep water here.

I'm going to back out of the water and lie on my towel on the beach for a bit.

Here's another joke.

This is from Simon Hall.

It says, you ready for this one?

Yep.

A dog named Minton ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton.

Now what I like about that is you can actually execute that joke in a social event like you've got a dog, you name him Minton and all day you're naming him Minton and then he eats a shuttlecock, you put some Marmite on the end or something and then you turn to your friends and go bad Minton.

and you've spent all that you actually named your dog so that you can do that joke yeah and brilliantly convoluted and you've also forced the dog to eat a shuttlecock just so that you can do a bit of feeble wordplay i think that's brilliant well done simon hall i've used up my best ones actually i say that but here's one from kent belm

And he says B-O-E-H-M.

A berm.

Kent says, what do you call a president that can cure a hangover?

Baraka-bama.

Nice.

Listen, keep your made up jokes coming in.

We do enjoy them.

They've got to be made up and they've got to be convoluted and slightly painful.

I still love Easter baby.

The email address is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk

He's still laughing at that one.

He's still a love-easter, baby.

That's amazing.

I mean, that's an absolutely watertight joke, Cory Marsh.

You're a genius.

Here's some music for you now.

What have we got?

Springfield.

Oh, Camera Obscura.

Hot new music.

This is French Navy by Camera Obscura.

That was lovely.

Camera Obscura with French Navy.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Time to catch up with some Steven news now.

If you've never listened to this show before, then let me tell you that Steven is a thing that has kind of grown up thanks to our listeners.

It's a way they communicate with each other.

If you're out in public and you shout, Steven!

and someone you've never met before shouts, just coming!

Then you know that you are both listeners to this show.

That's it in a nutshell.

But it's kind of controversial because in some places people are getting a bit bored with it, a bit angry with it.

I noticed on YouTube I put a video of myself up.

listening to our podcast in my shed on my YouTube channel.

And there was a certain amount of Stevenage going on there and swinging Tarzan-like to a few other clips that had an Adam and Joe connection.

There were people getting very irritated with people writing Steven and deliberately giving them a thumbs down.

You know, you can write down comments on YouTube.

And someone saying, give automatic thumbs down to anyone who shouts Steven and all this kind of stuff.

Do you think that people that hate the program and us?

Maybe.

Or do you think they just are irritated by the Steven meme?

Yeah, I mean, there's a certain type of person who just gets irritated once a little cultish thing gets rolling, don't they?

You know, I understand that you would find Steven irritating.

I can understand it's slightly irritating.

But it's also slightly fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

And you know, you just have to give into it.

It's a spiky prickly thing.

Sticky is the term, isn't it?

They used to use an advertising, right?

Sure.

Sticky, it's annoying, but it kind of clings to your clothes.

Yeah, it's fun.

Here's a message from Bill.

He says, dear Adam and Jo, in light of recent comments on your show regarding inappropriate Stevenage, I took it upon myself to get a t-shirt printed up to combat this trend.

See attached photo.

He's a handsome man and he's wearing a t-shirt that says promoting responsible Stevenage.

It's a nicely made t-shirt, isn't it?

Yeah, it looks great.

He's got a good little beard as well, hasn't he?

A sort of emerging stubbly beard, the man.

He's a handsome man.

And it's good because we've talked about this on the show before.

You know, it's all very well to shout Steven out at a gig, but if you do it while the performers are playing, it can be irritating.

It can be irritating and put them off there.

Off there.

Who was that?

Was that you?

That was my mobile phone.

Yeah.

Getting a message in there.

I bet it's a Steven.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Check it.

Go on.

Have a little chuckle.

But, you know, we promote responsible Stevenage.

We don't want to put the performers off and we don't want to ruin gigs for other people, whether they're comedy gigs or music gigs and that kind of thing.

So that's what Bill is responding to brilliantly with his t-shirt there.

He says, I wore my t-shirt on Sunday to see Block Party and Foles, and I'm happy to report a lack of irresponsible call and response.

Writing down the word Stevenage, however, reminds me of another quandary, The Spelling.

You'll see that I've gone for the classic satellite town spelling, i.e.

with a V and not Steven with a P-H, which lacks the double meaning.

Have I made a grave error?

I actually assumed that you would spell it with a P-H because the original Steven was with a P-H.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Stevenage would be Stevenage with a P-H, right?

In which case that fella's T-shirt is wrong.

It's wrong.

You can always print another one.

But that means it's unique.

Yeah.

I mean, it's special.

But it's a mistake most people make when they're talking about the phenomenon of Stevenage.

They usually use a V. I would say it's a pH.

Yeah.

All right.

Just to clear that up.

Anyway, thank you very much indeed, Bill, and good t-shirt.

However, there's been a more worrying Steven development because there was some Steven shouting at the Bat for Lashes concert.

Here is an email.

Is this the right one?

Yeah, here we go.

This is from Christine Jones.

Hi, Adam and Jo.

I went to see Bat for Lashes at the Junction in Cambridge on Easter Monday.

About four songs in, Natasha was talking to the audience when a Stephen cry came from the audience, followed by just coming in chorus from about 20% of the audience, myself included.

Natasha then said there had been far too many Stevens this tour, and she was thinking of introducing a penalty.

Now, what could that mean?

She's obviously engaged the audience in a discussion about Stephen, expressed her dislike,

of it.

She's irritated by it.

She's irritated and she's threatening to actually issue some sort of penance, some kind of punishment.

What would your penalty be from Natasha Khan?

Ejection from the... I mean withholding of glitter privileges.

Why do you think she's annoyed?

Well, because it's just an annoying thing, isn't it?

Like, when a trend starts, it's like someone shouts out a catchphrase or whatever, and then you start hearing it over and over again.

You sort of think, it's those nerds or whatever, you know?

I'm just putting myself in her mind.

I don't think they're nerds.

I think they're cool.

Several people who listened to the show were at that concert, obviously, because of the amount of Stevenage.

Some of them think that Natasha is being overly sensitive.

Others can see where she's coming from.

I can certainly see both sides.

So what are we going to do about it?

Well, you know, if she finds Stevenage so irritating, you know, maybe we find her records irritating.

How about that?

But I like her records.

Yeah, I know.

So do I. And I like her.

I think she's attractive.

Well, I'm very talented.

That's true.

And clever.

And I like her band.

I bet she's really good live.

But admonishing Steven has put her in a different light.

And maybe maybe now, you know, I'm going to shout Steven in the middle of the track that we play by her.

How about that?

Just to deliberately wind her up.

There's no telling whereabouts it'll be.

You have to listen very carefully to Daniel by a bat for lashes.

Stephen!

Is there any way to actually embed that Stephen Colum response in the copy of that track that is used on all six music programs?

Or even throughout the BBC, so that whenever she's played on the BBC... Yeah, there's a bit of Stevenage.

There's a bit of Stevenage.

You know... Then she will rue the day!

She will rue the day she messed with this show!

You are an robot!

Don't mess with our fans!

We won't kill you!

Sarah Hollis in Leeds, however, had a more positive time at a Bat for Lashes gig.

Just to inform you, she says, of some successful Stevenage from the Leeds area, I attended a Bat for Lashes gig on Saturday night and decided to attempt my first Steven before the band came on.

See, that's the time to do it, not during the performance.

I gathered my courage and during a brief lull in the background music, I exclaimed,

There was a long pause.

I almost thought no one would respond.

But finally, I heard a just coming from a group not too far away from me.

Relieved, I decided to go over and say hi.

Although we didn't have that much to say to each other beyond standard Steven-related chit chat.

I mean, what kind of chit chat is that?

They seemed like very lovely people, as I imagine most of your listeners are.

And this became one of the highlights of my night.

from Sarah Hollis in Leeds.

I like those stories.

Yeah, when people make new friends.

Right, because that's what it's about, basically, isn't it?

It's about making contact with people you might not have the mind to meet.

Exactly.

So, you know, sorry, Natasha Khan, if it put you off your stride.

The wrath of Khan.

Search for Spock.

That'll be what's coming next.

I can't find Spock!

She's absolutely furious about that.

She's furious about Spot going missing.

This is the final conflict.

Is that one of them?

No, that's the omen.

It's the final... Well, Frontier, is it?

No, what's the... The final furlong.

No, the final Edward furlong.

Space Eddie, the final furlong.

What was it?

Let's just play some music.

The final journey, the final trip, the final frontier.

It's the one when they go to San Francisco and capture the big whale.

The last straw.

Captain, this is the last straw.

I don't know who that character is.

I think it's just called Star Trek 5 Free Willy.

I don't remember what it's called.

The Final?

The Voyage Home.

Thank you.

Nothing to do with finals at all.

That's the best one as well, the Voyage Home.

It's so annoying when people on the radio can't remember something and you're at home and you know it.

Yeah.

That's really annoying.

Well, luckily we've got James here.

We will have annoyed a lot of people.

Sorry, a lot of people.

Business as usual.

Here is a free play for you.

Hopefully this will calm you down and just chill everyone out.

Have a chill cake.

Look, I've made these specially for you.

Why won't you have a chill cake?

You just... I don't know.

It's the sales pitch isn't very chill.

Right.

You can't sell chill cakes that aggressively.

Chill cakes!

Fury buns you sell like that.

That's the neighbouring stall.

Anger, anger buns.

Anger subs.

Anger buns.

That's all I could think of.

That long pause and then I came back with anger buns.

My buns are angry.

Go on then.

Let's play the record.

This is the Sir Douglas Quintet with Sunday Sunny Mill Valley Groove Day.

I hope you enjoy it.

That was the Maccabees with Love You Better.

You're tuned to Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

We're going to launch into some text the nation.

Do you mind?

Sorry, Steve LaMax, just wondering.

Are you finished?

Yeah.

Lady Hawk.

Yeah.

All right then.

We've got a special listener made jingle for Text-o-Nation this time and this is by Mr Robert Wilkinson.

He's put kind of a country flavor on the whole situation.

See what you think.

Nice harmonies there at the end.

Very nice.

I mean, that sounds as if he might have played those instruments himself.

He's not just using Garageband, but it sounds as if he might have some actual talent.

Some talent's unusual, isn't it?

What are you doing here, you idiot?

On this programme.

You idiot hole.

You've come in the wrong door, mate.

Get out, Wilkerson.

Down the hall.

Thank you very much for that.

Now, Text the Nation this week is about games you kind of play in your own head to make life more fun sometimes.

Yeah.

Autotainment.

Someone else came up with a good one, but I've thrown it away, so let's move on.

Nice finding.

Here's one from Martin in Glasgow.

He says, when I go up in a lift I like to pretend I'm going up to a space shuttle for launch.

I start muttering equipment and status checks.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah.

I mean, lifts are boring and he's made them exciting.

I think sometimes I think that I'm joining like the last space shuttle for humanity when I'm aboard a plane.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

I sort of think I'm part of the best of the best selected from the remainder of planet.

How deluded.

Well, exactly.

But that's the point, isn't it?

The opposite would probably be true.

Enjoyable delusions.

What?

I mean, weed it out.

Yeah, entering a huge waste disposal unit.

Sorry.

I mean, some people like you, but not enough.

Your name's come up in the rubbish lottery.

Bye-bye.

Next.

Chris Miles, this way.

Yes.

He's in the good plane.

He's in like, yeah, he's best of the best.

Here's one from Glenn.

He says, I'm a floor fitter and everything I and my... What?

I'm a floor fitter and everything I and my mate at work.

Oh, God.

Come on, that makes sense.

It doesn't.

Everything I and my mate at work do.

Yeah, well, that's what goes wrong.

Oh, God.

I'm going to move on.

Here's one from Lee.

I'm going to go.

I'll go back and figure that one out, but it needs to be rewritten in order to be coherent.

Lee in the library, Swansea.

I like to flush the toilet before I finish, then race.

What?

Yeah, think about it.

Oh, right.

That's an insane game.

Here's another one from Jim Bob.

What kind of game is that?

I've got an old TV that takes ages to warm up.

The sound comes on, but no picture for a couple of minutes.

I click my fingers at it when I think the picture's going to appear.

It's brilliant when I get it right.

It's like I used magic, but I live alone, so there's rarely anyone there to see it.

Jim Bob.

This magical house.

My telly's quite responsive, but I can imagine that one.

Yeah, that's a good one.

That's a good one.

Here's one from Will in London.

When I'm using my computer at work, I hover over the bar at the bottom.

I'm given the option to lock the taskbar.

Every time I see this, I sing, lock the taskbar to the tune of Rock the Casper, making it seem much less mundane.

That's the song.

Douglas Carter, a Black Squadron member in London, says this is my contribution to things people do to make mundane things more epic.

When I get in the lift at work, I pretend I'm a shaman.

And the lift only moves at my command.

So as the doors close, I perform an elaborate upward or downward crouching sweep with my arms.

I haven't been caught doing it yet."

That's a good one, isn't it?

To pretend that you control the movements of all objects in the world psychically.

Sure, I do do that one.

There's a door at home... It's kind of like Jim Carrey probably does in the street.

Crazy stuff like that.

Yeah, there's a door at home that swings very slowly shut.

And I like to control it with my arms.

There you go, that's exactly the kind of thing.

As if I'm controlling the movement of the door.

It's a good noise for it to make as well, a farty noise.

Yeah, that was actually a fart.

Sam in Edinburgh says, dear Adam and Jo, when I have the time, especially at work, I like to position my head so that objects in my field of vision line up exactly.

Nice.

It gives me some sense of order in this chaotic and scary world.

That's a whole other thing, though, isn't it?

I mean, that fits into this textination, but people who like to organise things, you know, if you look at a sign, you want to make the, you want to organise the letters of the word in the sign so that they kind of match, you have to find

the centre letter it's all gone a bit rain man in here who's on third base here's one from space commander Jeremy Hughes in Haverford West sometimes while I'm driving I'll pretend I'm actually piloting a spacecraft I use

I use all the dashboard buttons for spaceship-related functions, even sometimes sticking a small piece of paper on the windscreen to use as a targeting device to take out oncoming cars.

That's going too far.

That's a good idea.

I use the cigarette lighter to launch a space torpedo and wait for it to click back out so that I know the next torpedo is loaded.

That's good.

How old is this, Jack?

Come on.

uh he doesn't say be nice to know your age on some yeah that could be dangerous the targeting device on the windscreen sounds a little dangerous to me because presumably you'd have to swerve to line the car up yeah and that could be dangerous let's have some uh more we'll wrap these up after the news but right now we can we can slide a little bit of blur in just before the 11 30 news this is the universe

We were just exchanging a little bit of movie opinions during that song, weren't we Adam?

Yeah, Joe was talking about the fact that he didn't understand what the raging forest fire motif was in the film Lakeview Terrace.

But I liked it.

We both enjoyed the film Lakeview Terrace a lot.

It's a current DVD rent that listeners, you know, if they want to rent something, they might like our recommendations.

Because I'm not a big fan of the director in general, the writer.

He did Neil the Boot.

Neil the Butte, yeah.

He did the erasable Wicker Man remake.

I mean, some people really, really rate Neil the Butte there.

He started off well.

Yeah.

He likes stuff about misogyny and class and race.

He likes to push buttons, doesn't he?

Yeah, but Lakeview Terrace is actually pretty good.

It's pretty good and satisfying.

You get choked up there.

With emotion, remember?

No, it was a little burplicious.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess Lakeview Terrace is good if you lower your expectations to a Wicom and remake level.

Right, right.

And it's a work of genius.

No, it's good, man.

It's good whatever way you slice it.

The other one, we were talking the other week, yeah, Adam said body of lies is good.

Well, you've been avoiding that because of the fact that it's, you know, who's in it and what it's about.

Well, the choice for me that I presented to you the other week was which one do I see?

Which of the heavy hitting movies do I see?

Body of Lies or Righteous Kill?

Right.

Do I see Righteous Kill with Pacino and De Niro or do I see Body of Lies with, directed by Riddles and starring the little man?

What's his name again?

Leonardo DiCaprio.

And Russell Crowe.

And Rusty Crowe bag.

And you told me, you said that I should start with Righteous Kill.

Well I'd heard that Body of Lies was nonsense.

Well Righteous Kill, let me tell you, is a much bigger bag of nonsense.

But entertaining, isn't it?

Isn't it so awful that it's shockingly amazingly strange?

It's very, very odd.

I mean, it's just a bizarre film from another world with some incredibly misogynistic female portrayal in there.

You were telling me about some of the content that can't be repeated on a Saturday morning programme.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

And in every conceivable way.

Body of Lies, however,

is all about the war against terror and all the moral quandaries that lie therein for the people involved.

And I thought it was pretty good and pretty exciting.

And Leonardo DiCaprio goes from strength to strength.

Does he?

I'm going to watch it now.

I'm excited.

I thought it was just going to be Russell Crowe barking into telephones and like blurry shots of helicopters and... No.

No.

I mean Riddles, you forget that Riddles is an absolute... He is a master.

He is the master.

I would do anything for Riddles.

If Riddles wanted me to clean his shoes or just take out the rubbish rolls.

You haven't even seen a good year?

I have seen it.

I will see anything that Riddles does.

I'm not fussed.

If he wanted me to polish his cigars or pick up the cigar ash and eat it, I would.

Would you do the same for Russell Croke?

Because they're very good friends.

I'm not sure about Rusty.

If you're going to get Riddles, you've got to get Riddles and Rusty.

I admire Rusty.

They're a double act now.

You can't get one without the other.

They're doing Robin Hood together.

Are they?

Yeah, they're linked joined at the hip.

They just hang out.

You should watch the extras on the film The Good Year.

Right.

It'll make you feel sick.

No, I did.

With happiness and confusion.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's film news.

And what were we going to talk about?

We were going to talk about The Camden Crawl.

Yes, this is a major event for Six Music.

Six Music has blanket coverage of The Camden Crawl.

happening in London next weekend as an extraordinary array of bands, including Echo and the Bunnymen, Idlewild, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Wire, 808 State, Billy Bragg, The Fool, The Maccabees, The View, some of the greatest bands in the known universe are playing there.

And extraordinary event, King Creosote as well.

All my favourites.

We are going to be there as well as Lauren Laverne.

Did you say that already?

No.

We're going to be there, listeners.

So if you're around, then you might see us wondering about.

We might be there on Friday evening, I think.

Yeah, to record some bits and bobbles that we'll then play in the programme that will be coming live from the Camden Crawl on Saturday.

So if you're shopping in Camden, or you're just out and about, keep an eye out for us.

For two slightly weird, craggy... Yeah.

One... So-and-so.

Yeah, tall one.

And one normal one.

That's being nice.

Well done.

Thanks.

So yeah, watch out for that.

And hey, listen to the podcast as well, because we might have further news that we can't confirm at this point about a way in which you can get involved in that show.

So check out the podcast when it's published, hopefully on Monday night for further information.

We'll wrap up Text the Nation very shortly with a couple more little bits.

But right now, here's Mark Ronson with Oowee.

It's a song about wee.

Like my tiny little Kathy in Paris, you'll find two men called Adele.

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Did I?

Am I going mad or did I hear that?

It was a sort of a French baguette style.

Well, that was an exciting little teaser for a new podcast.

A French business.

Not a trail, but a sting for our French listeners.

If you download our podcast, you'll get the full version of that this week, right?

Amongst other great things.

If you've never downloaded the podcast before, you are missing out because there's extra stuff in there, right?

Right.

And it's exciting.

So, download it.

I really... Did I say that?

It's exciting.

It's really exciting.

Let's wrap up Dextination right now.

Yeah, the theme this week is stuff you do to make games you play with yourself to make mundane activities more exciting and epic and dramatic.

Leanne in Belfast says when asked do I wish to proceed when entering a website I find myself saying under my breath you bet your ass I wish to proceed like the computer hacker in Die Hard

You bet your ass.

That's good.

Tom, aged 21, in Lancaster, says, Hi Adam and Jo, when I'm on a train that isn't very busy, I like to slouch down in my seat so that I can only see the sky out of the window and pretend the train is flying!

I know that feeling.

I had a similar thing when I was at school and riding to school on the top deck of a double-decker bus.

I used to imagine there was no bottom deck and it was a top deck strapped to the back of a bantha.

A bantha from Empire Strikes Back?

Or no, Star Wars.

And when it went over potholes and wobble I used to think it was the wobbling bantha.

Yeah?

Oh, you're so imaginative.

Aren't I just?

My imagination is full of images from Star Wars in obscure film that no one's ever seen or thought about.

Obscure art film.

Obscure film from Americans.

Jamie Sadler, aged 30, says, this text the nation is helping me realise I'm a bit less mental than I had assumed.

Thank you.

Then he says something that slightly undercuts that statement.

I nod at traffic lights to allow them to change.

Hey, that's a good one.

Is it?

Yeah.

Right.

I know that feeling.

I mean, you could get your authority challenged and undermined when the headlights, what are they called?

Traffic lights?

Yeah, when they change without a nod.

Right.

Because they'd be flying in your face flagrantly.

I know.

If they'd changed, wouldn't they?

They'd be disobeying you.

That would be a bad feeling, certainly.

Do you do that?

I'm toyty about it.

Yeah, I like to nod at traffic lights.

It's nice, we talked about this before, feeling you're controlling an animatologist is a good feeling, a good powerful feeling.

I control the world.

Like your carry, at the end of carry.

Right.

You only, here we go, Dean in Toronto, in what Dean in Toronto County Durham says, when I'm filling my car up at the petrol station, I pick a four digit number, such as 1982, the year I was born, then I hold the petrol pump on full flow until the number is the price, until the number in the price window is nigh.

Do you get what he's saying there?

Yeah.

The aim is to get the price exactly as £19.82.

You only get one go.

Well that is do I mean I like to do that but just round it up to 20 quid mm-hmm And then I get annoyed if it's 20 pounds and one pence you know or five pence Anybody listening anybody listening.

That's a good one.

I never do that.

I just go for a full tank

Why do you only get like 20 quid's worth?

I don't know, that's a good point.

Why don't I fill the whole tank up?

Because I'm stingy.

Yeah.

I just like... Johnny Stinchbag.

Johnny Stinchbag.

That's a good question actually.

I always get 20 quid's worth of petrol.

And you get tiny amounts out of the cash point as well, don't you?

Johnny Stinchbag.

Yeah, well, I tend to get, yeah, 30 or 40 quid, it's true.

But I'm loaded.

That's the point.

I'm loaded.

Absolutely loaded.

What's the logic then?

Because you've got no more room because you've got so many money bags around you.

I spent so long in my life with no money at all.

Do you know?

We're just living from 50 pence to 50 pence that now that I've got a tiny bit of money... You're still frugal.

I'm saving it up for something.

I'm not sure.

I think I'm saving it up to be taken by the government when I die.

So you've got all this money.

I'm proposing spending all my nectar points for a points party.

Yeah, that's not real money.

Sometime in the future.

Yeah, of course that's real money.

That's supporting my family.

And I rashly just said, I'm going to blow all my nectar points on a points party.

But that's what I'm saving it up for, to support my family, if I have a family, to send them to the world's poshest schools.

Yeah, good.

Yeah, St.

Toities.

St.

Oities and Toities.

Listen, here's a free choice.

I played some music by this band during the pre-record last week.

They're called North Atlantic Oscillation.

And they're my new favourites and I played them on the show last week and the lead singer Sam sent me through a link to their new album that hasn't been released yet.

It's going to be called Grappling Hooks.

But I really like the music that this band do.

Is that a good reason to like a band?

Sure.

How did you come across them again?

off of a website called Art Rocker.

Do you remember?

Yeah, and this is a track from their new album.

The album's grappling hooks.

The band is North Atlantic Oscillation, and this track is called 77 Hours.

Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Grandad.

That's what music should be.

Confusing tingling.

Insane noises.

I love that track.

77 Hours from North Atlantic Oscillation.

Have a slice of chill cake.

OK, this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

That's pretty much it for our show.

Thank you so much for listening.

We really appreciate it.

Yeah, Liz Kershaw's coming up after us in about four minutes time.

But tomorrow here on BBC Six Music, Stephen Merchant, who is the tall one from The Office.

You know that show?

Yeah, I've heard of it.

He is doing a show on this station and he's got David Tennant, who is the tall one from Doctor Who.

Have you heard of that programme?

X of Doctor Who.

Yeah, well he's still the Doctor.

Still, yeah.

I didn't watch it.

They had a bus in the desert or something.

I'm not a Doctor Who man.

Aren't you?

Neither am I, I'm afraid.

But I saw the trailer a lot.

My sons love it.

Yeah.

It's for kids and adults.

And Cybermen, yeah.

He's a guest on Steven Merchant's show tomorrow, David Tennant, that's very exciting, and Merchant has Gomez live in session.

So that's a show that you should definitely listen to here on 6 Music Tomorrow, early afternoon.

Don't forget to download the podcast, it's usually available on, well it's Tuesday night now it comes.

Well no, James, now that he's back in town, our producer James, who produced last year, he went for a little employment sabbatical in Australia, didn't you mate?

He's back now looking very tanned and handsome, and he has taken the whole thing in hand, so all this business of it not coming out until Wednesday, that's over, that's in the past, bang, Monday night, James is going to be on it.

Yeah, five o'clock on Monday.

He's giving us a time.

This guy is so professional.

I mean things are changing around here.

He'll probably get rid of us.

Kapow.

Exactly.

Because we're too tatty.

Get a couple of robots in to do it instead.

Yeah, a couple of professionals.

Handsome robots.

And to Dec, he could get, for example... Ooh, that's on tonight, isn't it?

Ooh, I love that programme!

I mean, that was an amazing one last week.

I think it's... Well, I've been enjoying Britain's Got Talent more than is humanly recommendable for the last... How long has it been on?

Two years?

Three years?

You know, I've never watched it before.

The first time I watched it was last weekend.

I think it's... Is it two years?

I think it's three years.

And it was pretty good stuff, I have to say.

Oh, it's amazing.

Some of it was a little nauseating.

Yeah, but that's part of the charm.

It's part of the charm, isn't it?

It's the ultimate Saturday night.

It's like having salt and vinegar injected to your eyeballs.

Wow.

That sounds like fun.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Have a good week.

Stick around for Liz Kershaw.

Thanks for listening.

Take care.

Bye.