The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (04 April 2009)

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio There'll be some music and some random talking

Well there we go, that's Zero by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Very nice to have you along.

Nice to have you along.

Welcome to the smooth sounds of... Oh god.

Well I was thinking that we know Bobby Friction was on just then.

He was very professional, wasn't he?

And he was actually creating friction by jiggling around in his chair.

We were watching him through the glass.

It was like he had some sort of a coffee buzz on.

He was jiggling up and down in his chair.

That's why they call him Mr Friction.

Yeah, creating some static charge.

So I thought that we would be, you know, like the smooth guys.

We've got a name for people who listen to the show this early in the morning, don't we?

Yes, they're called Black Squadron.

They're an elite group.

I was thinking though, good morning Black Squadron members, I was thinking that if one were to say something like that, you know, good morning Black Squadron members, you might start sounding a bit like Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal.

When he says, hello West Wing, hello East Wing, you know, he starts naming the studio audience.

Oh, does he?

And it gets quite, I mean, it makes you want to punch Edmonds.

Lots of things have that effect, but that's one of the strongest ones.

Well, as soon as people start talking about little cliques and gangs and things that they're into, and you're not into them yet, you do want to punch them.

So I had another idea that we would change the name of Black Squadron every morning.

You know, like you change a password to a fortress in case the enemy gets it?

Like they do in Harry Potter, the portrait hole.

Yes, the portrait hole!

Portrait hole yeah, do you think that would be good then you would have?

Man, that wouldn't work would it because then if you just listen to one show at the very beginning hmm You'd immediately know the password It would be confusing also the other thing is I've done a jingle for black squadron So I would have to do everything a jingle every week.

Yeah for the newly named squadron so black squadron That's all of you listening now stand to attention.

Here's your jingle

Always catch the beginning of the show Black Squadron don't wanna miss a thing That's not the way Black Squadron rolls Went to bed at a reasonable hour Gotta be sharp on Saturday morning That's the secret of the squadron's power

That's good.

There you go.

That's the Black Squadron jingle.

You are all members of Black Squadron.

Anyone listening to the beginning of the show?

I'm going to command Black Squadron in a second.

Are you?

I'm going to give them a command and they must all follow the command.

Wow.

Black Squadron, eat fruit!

They must all now eat some fruit.

What if they haven't got any fruit?

They have to find some fruit quickly, otherwise they're kicked out of the squadron.

Oh my goodness.

They have to go to their shops, or just if they've... Everyone's got some fruit around, haven't they?

Yeah, but what if they've just got a big bowl of mouldy old fruit?

They have to eat it.

That's the way it goes in Black Squadron.

It's tough, man.

It's a tough unit.

It's an elite unit.

We had a couple of messages from people in the week.

We had a wonderful Black Squadron logo designed for us, which we should get made into badges.

surely surely we should you know like to make it properly like swap shop or something yeah yeah yeah let's have some talks about that that was let's see who is it that created the badges they also want to be invited to the nectar points party right so we're going to talk about that a bit later points party also there's a Facebook page now for black squadron

which was created last Saturday.

It's got five members, Joe.

That's a lot of members.

That's a lot.

That's an elite squadron.

The fewer members there are, the more elite the squadron is.

That's a good thing.

At the very least, that's a family one.

I read that email and I was thinking, you know, what kind of criteria do you need to join the... I mean, anyone could join the Facebook page.

How do they test whether they've actually listened to the first bit of the show?

You wouldn't lie about that.

That kind of thing, would you?

Well, one would hope not.

I mean, that would be grotesque.

It'd be really sordid.

That was Chris informing us about the Facebook page, and I've managed to... Oh, no, it's Michael and Joanne in Enfield, who did the amazing logo.

I think they created the logo.

Good work.

I think I'm right about that.

So, welcome, Black Squadron.

We'll be signing you out at 9.30 just before the news with the special stand-down jingle.

But right now, here's some more music for you.

This is, um, Ben Folds Five with The Battle of Who Could Care Less.

The fruit command has confused quite a lot of Black Squadron.

Some of them don't have any fruit, asking whether a Jaffa Cake will suffice.

Well, yes.

Some are allergic to fruit.

Some are... Yes.

How did you command Black Squadron to eat fruit?

Well, I was thinking what a thing that everyone could probably achieve.

Well, what about...

What, you didn't want to do anything physical in case people were incapacitated or something like that?

I did put some thought into it.

I thought everyone's got a little bowl of fruit.

You can have some fruit.

Well obviously you were wrong.

I was wrong.

I proved completely wrong.

Allergic to fruit.

Does avocado count?

Oh dear.

Avocado?

Well you can have an avocado pear.

So I would say that yes it does count.

I'd say marmalade.

Anything with a fruit.

Listen, we'll make the commands broader and longer in future.

Anything with fruit in it or like a fruit flavour.

It can be stuff like, yeah, we'll think of something else.

It doesn't say much for Black Squadron's power, though.

So far.

So far, Black Squadron had managed to fall at the very first hurdle.

They got very confused with it.

And it wasn't a massive hurdle.

They didn't have time to prepare, though, did they?

I mean, I'm sure we would.

Well, that's what it's about, being in the squadron, isn't it?

It's true.

You don't have like, next week, squadron, just to give you a heads up, there might be a command.

Here's the clue.

It might involve fruit.

So have some fruit around.

Okay, do you think that happens in the SAS when they give an SAS unit a command?

Sorry, I can't.

I'm allergic to fighting.

Well, nowadays, Joe.

Sorry, against health and safety.

Oh, I can't do that, Sergeant.

I've got a bit of a cold today, so I can't.

Sorry, I'd love to help you, but I can't go storming that.

Inplacement, is that what they call it?

Yeah, in emplacement.

Yeah.

I can't stall me in placement.

I'm feeling a bit wheezy.

So I'm going to have to sit this one out.

I'm allergic to guns of never own.

So we can't do it.

You're rolling with a jargon.

Yeah.

I don't want to take the tank across the bridge.

That's good jargon.

Tank.

You've been in the army.

Yes, I drove a tank.

No, it really shows.

I drove a tank.

Um, and, uh, I was, you know, I was driving the tank that Margaret Thatcher went in that time.

Right.

Do you remember?

Yeah.

When she was showing off about tanks and she had that headscarf on.

She was always in a tank.

That was a good old days.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna play some music from the good old days right now.

Do you remember Uberman?

No.

You don't remember Uberman?

No.

From the 90s?

Is it a film?

No, they were a band.

Oh.

And they were big, man.

Really big in the 90s.

And the lead singer, Ron Johns, he slept nearby Justine Frischman one time.

What was he called?

Ron Johns.

Was that his real name?

I don't know.

And Pinto, the drummer, he pushed Andy Peters off a ledge and Tanya posed nude for the cover.

Right, because the bass is called Storage.

Exactly.

Now you remember.

Storage, Pinto, Ron Johns.

And Tanya.

Uberman.

She posed nude for now, music, now, now, music, now, now, now, Music Magazine.

This is a great mag.

Anyway, it's a shame that people don't remember them more because they were a good band and I'm going to play a track from Uberman right now.

I don't know if those facts are true, incidentally, stupid listeners.

Would you just call the listeners stupid?

No, I was talking to the stupid community.

Right.

Well, those listeners who are aware and comfortable with the fact that they're stupid.

Yeah.

i count myself what's that squadron stupid squadron i'm the commander of that squadron that's my own private crack force i bet they've got access to fruit yeah they got loads of fruit so listen um stupid squadron this is for you this is it's gonna be a logo for that now no and a jingle how many squadrons can one show take a lot

Because then we'd be armed to the teeth, and we could take all coming.

Because the whole half hour would just be squadron shout-outs.

It would make it easier, wouldn't it?

People in the army like this show, you know.

They do.

Well, it gives them a sense of order.

We've got a couple of messages from guys in the Navy boats.

And, you know, we're not snubbing you by not getting back to you.

We haven't got postcards.

We're going to get postcards soon, right?

And then, like, pictures and stuff that we can send out.

So then we're going to be on top of it.

So anyway, listen, Uberman, this is a lovely track.

I hope you enjoy it.

It's called Dolphin Blue.

Well, I'd be more inclined to talk to you if you stop shouting at me.

That was the new single from Peaches Geldof.

Talk to me.

It's only a matter of time, isn't it?

Before we play the new single by Peaches Geldof.

Absolutely, yeah.

I'd be excited.

That would be a great day.

It would be a good, it's bound to be a good song.

It's bound to be a great song.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

I went for an audition yesterday, Joe.

As an actor?

An actor?

As an actor, yeah.

It's one of the things I do, you know.

It's one of the many strings to your bow.

Many, many strings to my polymathic bow.

And I went along to the audition.

And it was really enjoyable.

Now, most auditions are not in any way enjoyable.

But this one was nice because the people for whom I was auditioning were not in the room.

They were all over in America.

So I was just going on tape, right?

And the guy that was putting me on tape was a fan of this show.

So it was really nice.

He was very smiley and put me at ease and just relaxed me.

And it was a very enjoyable process just reading through a few scenes with him.

at the camera.

What kind of thing was it for?

I can't really tell you.

It was for a remake of Filofax but don't tell anyone.

It's a good idea.

It's an updated remake of the Jim Belushi film Filofax but for the Blackberry generation and they've already had to do a lot of updates because Blackberries are a bit yesterday.

What would it be now then?

It would be the iPhone effects.

Yeah, something like that.

Anyway, so that's what I was auditioning for.

So that was a nice audition, right?

But most of the auditions that I've been to, and I'm sure most actors would agree, are absolutely horrific and painful and one that particularly sticks in my head.

Now, I was thinking this might be a possible text to nation topic, right?

Bad, not just bad auditions, but bad job interviews in general times where you've been

on the spot and really had a chance to prove yourself and show your worth, and it's gone disastrously wrong.

And, you know, half the business of doing an interview or being an actor and doing an audition is confidence, right?

That's the majority of the battle is to do with just being confident enough to bluff your way through the process and make a good first impression.

I'm not very good at that kind of thing.

Are you good at that?

Very, very good.

Are you very good?

Yeah.

So usually what I do is I go in there and I

stumble and stutter and make excuses.

And that's not very good, especially if you're an actor.

And I remember one time I went for an audition for a TV drama, sort of comedy drama thing.

This was a few years ago.

And there was a panel of three quite severe looking ladies who were auditioning me.

And I sort of sat down and they don't give you any points.

They don't put in this

In this occasion, they didn't put me at ease at all, right?

They weren't like being smiley or anything like that.

So I just sat down and I said, right, okay.

They asked me to prepare a couple of scenes.

I said, right, I'll just start reading then.

Should I just go into the first scene and do a fairly straight, boring read and then you can sort of direct me from there, right?

And the woman said, oh, well, it's always very exciting when an actor promises a boring read.

So immediately I'm like, okay, probably a bad thing to say.

Shouldn't have said boring, no jokes.

Okay.

Right.

So I go into the first scene and there's a lot of stage direction, right?

Stage direction being the bits where it says, then the character crosses over to the room and picks up a bucket, blah, blah, blah.

Usually in auditions, they casting people, read them for you.

I mean, this is a great, this is the bucket scene.

Jack and Jill, the movie.

Yeah.

That's a good movie.

But they didn't read the stage directions, right?

So I was sort of waiting for them to read the stage direction and getting confused.

And I was all like on the back foot.

It was all frightening.

Then we get to another scene, which is, shall I say, a love scene, a physical scene.

And most of the stage direction in this is all saucy stage direction about what's going on between the couple.

And there's not very much dialogue at all.

Sort of a film.

What's this you were auditioning for?

It's a grown up adult project.

And I thought acting was one of the key skills necessary.

Well, no, I mean, no.

Yeah.

So I talked my way through the scene and I sort of I was sort of saying out loud, well, yeah, OK, well, I'll say that I'll say the dialogue bits in this scene.

But I mean, obviously a lot of it's.

stage direction and and and they weren't giving me any help whatsoever so I just sort of say okay um oh yes yes uh oh that's so good etc and then he goes over and you know they're lying on the bed the couple and I'm sort of speaking the stage directions right so I get to the end of this very awkward scene and I say well there you go uh did my best it's uh obviously very difficult to

you know, conjure the scene without, you know, another actual person there, and the woman says, yes, well, you could have used acting.

No!

That's the thing you see, you've never had any formal acting training.

No.

And actors get trained, I would imagine, how to deal with audition situations.

I think that's the problem, isn't it?

Yeah.

And yeah, they do.

There are things that are agreed between proper actors and those who are auditioning proper actors, ways to approach situations like that, that you and I aren't privy to.

No.

Thereby you making a phenomenal tool of yourself.

That'll be the reason why you look like a complete idiot at all.

Yeah, but I was thinking... I was thinking like, you know, even if Danny Craig had been here, I couldn't... No, Danny Craig.

You reckon he would have been... He was... He's a proper actor.

He's a trained actor.

He would have known exactly how to do that.

So a trained actor would have leapt up from their seat and started... Yes, he would have been as if there was a second person in the room.

He would have just made empty space become a person.

Stripped off all his clothes.

You know, even someone like David Bowie can make himself appear to be trapped in a glass box when there is no such box.

Even I can do that.

I can make it look like I'm pulling a rope.

I'm doing a rope pulling.

It does look like there's a rope there.

Now I'm confused.

Is there really a rope?

Wow!

I wish you could see this, listeners.

It's amazing.

It's like he's pulling a rope.

Yeah, I'm a good mime artist.

You could extrapolate that into a person easily like this.

And then start pretending to get jiggy with them.

I'm not going to translate that action for the listeners.

But it was very humiliating.

And it was the closest I've ever come to standing up in an audition and just saying, you know what?

Ladyface, you can keep your audition and you can go off somewhere.

So we're asking the listeners, sorry, because we're just coming up to the news, we're asking the listeners to send us for Text the Nation their experiences of auditions or job interviews if you're not an actor.

Or can we broaden it even more, any situation?

Just any situation?

Your exclamation is just situations.

Yeah, no, it's job interviews.

No, it's specifically job interviews.

And auditions and that kind of thing.

Yeah, when you've made a complete fool of yourself.

But now it's time for the next correct decision.

Well, hang on.

We've got to sign out Black Squadron first.

Oh.

Sign out Black Squadron, Ben.

And Black Squadron!

Stand down.

Your work is done.

You've earned yourself a nice warm bath.

And maybe a nice little bun.

And Black Squadron!

And don't forget, the text number is 64046.

You can also interact with Text the Nation via email, adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

It's time for the news.

That was Bat for Lashes with Daniel.

Very nice indeed.

She sounds as if she's been listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Maybe she has, that wouldn't be an uncool thing to do.

But like Lake Period uncool Fleetwood may.

Right, that would be a less cool thing to do.

But it's nice though, she's turned it into a delicious soup.

She's very beautiful and talented.

And she makes very good videos, doesn't she?

Natasha Khan.

Yeah, certainly.

I wonder what, the one for that one.

Oh, that's an old one, isn't it?

Daniel, no that's new, I think.

We played it before, I don't think it's super fresh.

Wow.

Off the vine, I'm speaking, I mean it's still fresh, it's just not super freshly plucked.

She didn't record it yesterday.

No, and that's the kind of thing we like to play.

On sixth music it's new, brand new music and old music.

Exactly.

Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music, incidentally.

Now, I got a little confused.

I get confused quite easily.

But when I was cycling along the other day on the side of a bus, I saw an advert for Fast and Furious.

Yes.

And so I was thinking, what is that to do with The Fast and The Furious, the Vin Diesel film with cars in it?

And it turns out it is, but it's just another installment.

In fact, it's the fourth installment.

Is it the fourth?

In the franchise, yeah.

The first was The Fast and the Furious.

The second was Too Fast, Too Furious, wasn't it?

Yeah, then it was the third one.

Was that Tokyo Drift?

Yes, correct.

And now it's gone back to just fast and furious, so all they've done is they've just dropped the definite article.

It's a brilliant new direction in the naming of sequels, which is a tricky business.

They've got Diesel back, dropped the definite article, job done.

Say there was a film called Sausage.

Yeah.

The first film would be called Sausage.

The second film would be called... No, the second film would be called Sausage Returns.

Right.

Yeah.

It's usually this is how they do it.

Return of the Sausage.

That's kind of in the 80s.

Really?

Yeah, now it would be Sausage Returns.

Back to Sausage.

Third film might be... Back to... Third film might be Sausages.

Yeah.

Then once they'd exhausted the whole Sausage franchise, they'd go back to Sausage Begins.

Right.

You know?

Isn't that the logic?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, exactly.

And then pre-sequel naming logic.

Mo Sausages.

Mo' better sausages.

Yeah.

Delicious Mo' sausages.

Jazz sausages.

Well I was thinking for Fast and Furious, because obviously they're in it for the long run, right?

So this is the fourth instalment, Fast and Furious just dropped the definite article.

Fifth instalment, and let me tell you that the plot, do you know the plot of Fast and Furious?

Probably involves two macho men who get in some kind of a brouhaha.

and have to race each other in a dangerous area to see who's the best one.

Wow, it's weird.

It's like you've seen the film.

Yeah, I have seen the first three, actually.

Well, Vin, no, you've seen Tokyo Drift at all.

Yeah, I've seen Tokyo Drift.

Tokyo Drift has got some amazing footage of a car chase through Shibuya.

Yeah.

It's got some amazing footage of Tokyo.

That lasts about 15 minutes, 10 minutes.

Right.

The rest of it.

Unwatchable.

Yeah.

Dog box with a rubbish skirt.

Cat litter.

Yeah, dog nonsense.

Well, this one, as you say, includes it's got Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster.

Oh, Jordana Brewster?

Yeah, I'm glad to say she's involved.

They're all back and they pick up where they left off, apparently.

Diesel plays Dom, an ex-con who's still bitter at undercover cop Brian, played by Paul Walker.

Tell me something I don't already know.

But soon, the pair joined forces to investigate the death of a mutual associate.

Yes.

Right, so here's what I'm thinking.

In the fifth instalment, right?

That's just called fast fur.

Fasty fur.

Fast fur.

Right.

Well, that would then, it would spell fast fur.

Yes.

And then what?

That sounds like it's not an animal.

Exactly.

It's a greyhound.

Exactly.

It's a greyhound based race film.

This is a good film.

No, it's not greyhounds.

But that would be good.

Greyhounds racing through Tokyo.

Yeah, but it doesn't... Wow, imagine the skidding.

My idea is horses, right?

Knocking over bins.

They could knock over a bin.

No, horses.

And all the trash could roll... Horses!

Sorry, horses.

Right.

Fast fur.

It's Finn Diesel, an ex-con.

He's still very bitter, but now he's decided to join horses, not forces.

Right.

Yeah?

Yeah, you're happy with that, aren't you?

Well, not so much now that you've ruined it by going on about greyhounds.

Horses is good.

They join horses.

So what, they breed some kind of weird Siamese horse with eight legs.

I don't know, they go and investigate.

That would be worth paying money to see.

All right, listen.

The sickly instalment.

The sequel to Fast and Fur.

Fast Fur.

Is just called Fafu.

And it stars Vin Diesel again as an ex-con who now fancies the undercover cop, Brian, and soon the pair join forces to investigate each other.

Right.

Sounds like an homoerotic thriller.

Exactly right.

By that time that'll be fashionable.

Culture will have come round to... I'm waiting for... ...and love.

Exactly.

And I think Diesel will absolutely... He'll jump in there.

He'll be keen.

...fill the gap very nicely.

What about, what if they do just a film called The And The?

Because they're left over from the earlier film, aren't they?

There could be a spin-off, though.

Yeah.

What would that be about?

That would be about... All the people waiting at the start and finish line of the race and what they do.

The extras, yeah.

What happens to all the extras in the film?

But I'm thinking the final instalment, right, is just called

That's good.

And it's Vin Diesel.

He's an ex-con.

He's so bitter at undercover cop Brian, who he no longer fancies, that he lets the air out of his tires.

And it takes 90 minutes.

Yeah.

That's a good film idea.

It's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

I've thought it all through.

You're pretty impressed.

You're at least a double threat.

I mean, the acting, the writing.

Yeah.

The ideas?

It's all there.

Come on, Hollywood, it's waiting for you in a little, little buckles bag.

A little brown bag.

Wait until you get kicked up at the lost property office.

Speaking of bags.

In Hollywood.

Here's James Brown.

That is a young man.

He's called James Brown.

He dances like a kind of chicken.

Like a funky... Can you imagine a funky chicken?

Sounds disgraceful.

Well, that's what he does.

And that's called Papa's Got a Brand New Bag.

And this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

I wouldn't let my kids listen to that.

Why not?

It just sounds corrupting.

Right, give them the bad... And I like to live in a town where dancing was banned.

I agree with you.

Yeah?

Because that kind of music, generally, it speaks to what part of the body?

The devil part.

The loins.

The loin area.

I think dancing should be banned.

If kids want to dance, they should go to some sort of sawmill on the outskirts of town and dance alone.

exactly and yeah do do what's it called punch dancing it's called yeah the footloose that's right uh either that or just listen to music which is impossible to dance to like i don't know star sailor

Music for the heart and the head rather than the groin.

Yeah, that's a good idea actually.

Trying to dance to music that's not danceable to like a very slow moody radio head number or something.

Something like that, yeah.

Yeah.

It's fun to dance to that kind of thing.

You reckon if you try?

But it becomes interpretive dance more, doesn't it?

Right.

Just making shapes with your body and swaying with your hands.

When's that kind of thing going to come back in?

Because at the moment it's all very

you know, sort of, how do people dance generally?

Absolutely.

No idea.

I've not seen anyone dancing for the last 10 years.

Let's get off the subject.

We've forgotten.

Did you used to do like, you know, miming all the words in the song on the dance floor to cover up the fact that you can't actually dance.

You do some comedy dancing.

That's the easiest thing to do, just to

pretend you're singing it.

Exactly.

That's the best get out clause for dancing.

Now I've got a very vivid memory of standing in a little circle of people thinking that we were so funny acting out all the words of the song we were dancing to.

It's the thing to do.

Good times!

Great times.

Brilliant.

Listen, here's a free play from me.

Is it now?

Yeah, this is Cornelius with, I think it's from the album Point, isn't it?

This is his cover of Brazil.

This is very nice.

That's very nice and relaxing.

That's Cornelius with Brazil from his album Point.

Now I'm...should we have the text-a-nation jingle there, Ben?

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Texanation this week is all about disastrous auditions, stroke, job interviews that you have experienced, maybe ways that either things have gone wrong for you in that situation, or perhaps ways that you've tried to impress people in that situation and it's gone wrong.

I mean, this happens a great deal to actors, obviously, which is what inspired the thing.

I just remembered another cringe-worthy incident from my brief acting career thus far.

I went to audition for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy film, which our friend Garth directed, I thought, you know, at the very least I can wangle myself a audition, right?

Yeah.

So I went along there and I was really hoping that maybe I could just get an audition to just be like a vogue on or something.

That's what I wanted.

I just wanted a couple of lines in the flipping film.

And then, so he said, yeah, yeah, come in and audition for Arthur Dent, like the main part.

Yes.

So I said, really, Arthur Dent?

OK, well, it's come in and audition for Martin Freeman's part.

Come in and audition for the part that we've agreed with the studio is going to be played by Martin Freeman.

Well, at that point, it hadn't been agreed, of course, and they hadn't cast Martin.

They were looking at

Top comedic British talent to fill the role But it was sort of annoying because I knew obviously I wasn't gonna get that was the main part But still I thought I'm gonna give it my all, you know, I've got to be positive.

Why can't I get it?

Sure I mean, I've heard who else they're auditioning.

I'm better.

I'm better than at least None of them at you know acting so I'm gonna give myself a chance and go in there

And I thought, not only that, I am gonna dress up like Arthur Dent to put myself in character.

Now that's a bad idea.

What, in a dressing counter?

Exactly.

I don't know, I'm just instinctively, I'm feeling, I don't really know what I'm talking about, but my gut's screaming no to the past.

I wish you'd been around.

I wish I'd been able to give you a little call that morning and ask you, hey, Joe, what do you reckon about this?

I got a good idea.

I'm going to dress up like Arthur Dent.

Sometimes you hear stories where that's the thing that gets the act of the world, though.

Exactly.

I can't remember any specifics, but I'm sure I've read stories of great actors being overly, you know, oh, no, the story I'm thinking of.

Is what's her face turning up to audition for Catwoman dressed as Catwoman?

Do you remember the nutty actress?

Yes.

I forget what she's called and she turned up... Sean Young.

I think that was it.

She turned up dressed as in a sort of homemade Catwoman suit.

That's not going to get you the rose.

She didn't get the part, no.

No, she didn't.

Well, you know, our listeners know how this story ends because obviously Martin Freeman played the part of Arthur Dent.

But in I went, right, and I had the dressing gown in my bag, and there was quite a frightening casting lady, quite a famous frightening casting lady as well, whose name I won't mention, but she was in there, Jeanine casting, and she was in there looking very formidable, and she's proper, you know, Hollywood casting lady.

And I say just before the audition starts, actually, I took my liberty of bringing along something to help me get into character.

I was already thinking like, this is bad.

This is a bad idea.

You could sense it.

But part of me was just thinking, doesn't matter, just ignore your instincts, buckles.

Your instincts are rubbish.

You should just ignore them and plow on with your brilliant idea and throw yourself into it 109%.

And then the casting lady is really going to be knocked out by your hoot spa.

So I get my dressing gown out, put it on, do my audition, pretty bad, do a pretty bad job of it.

She doesn't look impressed.

At the end I'm feeling embarrassed, feeling a lot like I want to cry, and very much aware that she's been gazing at me like I'm a freakazoid.

Take my dressing gown off to pack into my bag before I go out and get on my bike.

And safe.

Thanks very much for seeing me.

Put my dressing gown away there.

What have you got on under the dressing gown?

Just normal sivvies.

Normal clothes, right?

You haven't stripped down to your pants.

I haven't stripped down to my jeans, no.

I must put my pants back on.

No, we're not using Yes We Are.

Hang on a second.

Sorry, but you are talented.

You certainly do have to part.

You've seen your part and you've got your part.

No, it was not.

I just had civvies on.

So I put my dressing gown away in my bag and I say, actually said, um.

Probably not the done thing, I suppose, is it?

To dress up as... No, it's not Adam.

But you've broken rules and smashed through boundaries.

Yeah.

And you've got the rule.

That's what you wanted, Adam.

That's what I wanted.

That's what I thought she was going to say.

Instead, she said, put it this way.

If you did that kind of thing in Los Angeles, you'd never work again.

is she yeah wow these are good stories so and what was the one the other what was it the other one said why don't you try some acting yeah you could you could you could have used acting wow and you're persevering man that's good that's what it's about man you've got to ignore it

Well what about learning from the mistakes?

Obviously I'm learning, I'm not dressing up in any dressing gowns and I am trying to use acting in my auditions now.

Good, good, good.

Well listen, keep your stories of auditions or job interviews as well because obviously it would be a little bit limiting if we were just asking for acting auditions but you know

a job interviews where you're put on the spot, expect it to perform and something critical is at stake.

What's the text number?

64046?

Yeah.

Or adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk and we'll read out some of your missives in a bit.

We're going to play some Depeche mode.

After that we've got a new 10 o'clock top of hour jingle coming up.

That's exciting, but here's the mode right now with wrong.

Voice of the big vintage castle You are listening to Adam and Jo on 6 Music

Wonderful stuff.

That's Supergrass with Grace.

This is Adam and Jo.

That's not... I mean, that would be wonderful as well.

Yeah.

That's the most wonderful of all stuff.

Surely.

Of course.

That's golden stuff there.

Well, no, that would then be golden stuff.

Oh, for goodness sake.

That was Supergrass.

I said all that already, didn't I?

I sound really beaten down, man.

It's alright.

I know, I didn't mean to.

That's alright.

Let's do a more energetic one.

Let's pretend that the singles just ended.

Wahoo!

That was Grace by Supergrass.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Get down!

Joe!

It's just aggressive.

It's like... That was too aggressive, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's like the man from Full Metal Jacket doing DJ.

No, I'm sorry.

I went too far.

I went too far the other way.

Oh, no!

You're listening to the smooth sounds of Adam and Jo on a Saturday morning.

Now you're just getting ladies excited.

That's inappropriate on a Saturday morning.

Me like Howard Stern.

Press yourself against your D-A-B.

Oh my God.

Listen, it's time for some of your text in Text the Nation.

Can we bear the jingle again or have we overplayed the jingle?

Nah, come on.

No, shorter one.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Someone sent in this week just a completely straight cover of that jingle.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I like that.

That's good.

I like that a lot.

We might play that later.

That's a good direction for listener-made jingles to go in.

Can you replicate

the jingles we already use so precisely that we can't tell.

What if they just sent in the jingle again?

Someone did that as well though, didn't they?

Pretty much, yeah.

Just sent in one of our own jingles.

Is that loaded at all?

It isn't.

No, maybe that might have to be next week.

No, we can find it, we can find it.

We'll try and load it before the end.

Okay, so anyway, these are some responses to Text the Nation, which is all about interviews or auditions and awful experiences you've had therein.

This is from Simon in Wimbledon.

I had an interview for an engineering firm last year.

Partway through, my phone rang, but luckily it was on silent and only vibrating.

I tried shifting my leg to move the phone deeper into my pocket to reduce the sound of the buzzing, but in doing so, answered the phone.

It was my mother, and I also put it on speakerphone accidentally.

All with my dexterous right thigh.

Hello!

Simon, are you there?

It's Mummy!

Said the voice.

Needless to say, the rejection letter I received three days later was very polite.

Well, you don't want to work for a firm that's going to reject you on the basis of a mummy corp.

I know, you would be hired instantly by the Adam and Jo Corp.

Absolutely.

Just for still using the word mummy, you'd be right in there.

Yeah, you'd be made MD.

Like, that's one of our application criteria.

Exactly.

Do you call your parents mum and dad or mummy and daddy?

And they'll get all confused and they'll think, oh, I don't know.

That's the right answer.

Mum and dad probably is the coolest thing.

Mum and dad.

Thank you very much for coming in.

Get out!

Here's another one from Mariel.

She says, at the end of an interview which I thought had gone well, the interviewer got up to say goodbye.

He stood uncomfortably close to me, so I thought, oh, he's going to kiss me.

What?

OK, just go with it.

Don't be uptight.

It's all very media.

So I kissed him.

Only to look down to see his outstretched hand, waiting to shake mine.

Do I kiss that too?

It still makes me cringe three years on.

Well done, Mario.

Again, you would have got the job at the Big British Castle instantly.

Yeah, we would have gotten more than you bargained for, probably.

At that very interview.

Hello.

Hey.

You're our kind of girl.

Now, you're not the kind of person who causes trouble, are you?

That's our rigorous interview procedure.

Here's one from an anonymous texter.

I'm a casting director and have had many difficult audition times.

One particularly awkward audition, I recall, was when I was working with a very well-known director who asked an actor the typical question, so what have you done recently?

To which the actor replied, no, you first.

Needless to say, he didn't get the job.

That's great.

You might as well, if you kind of sense you're not going to get the job, you might as well... Because then you get a reputation.

Because the reason these casting directors are so eccentric and difficult is they're not many of them and they're enormously powerful.

There's four or five really famous casting directors in London who American studios hire to see actors and they're megalomaniacs.

I mean, I'm never going to beget an acting job now that I've said that.

They've got maybe a distorted sense of power, possibly,

Yeah, I'm sure some of them are very nice and lovely.

Some of them are lovely.

They are brilliant.

They're brilliant people.

Well, the guy I had yesterday was amazing.

He was amazing.

He was nice.

Yeah.

But no, sometimes they're brutal.

I mean, they hear all sorts of stories.

There was a there's an actor friend I had the other day who was I came out wrong.

There's an actor friend I know.

I didn't have them.

And they were telling a story about doing an audition where the casting director was just flicking through like a copy of Heat.

Really?

Yeah.

That's a cattle call, you know, that's no good.

Here's another one from Kate, who says an interviewer asked me, when you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I truthfully answered, a fairy.

She looked appalled, so I hastily corrected, well, queen of the fairies.

She looked so shocked that I started giggling and couldn't stop, I didn't get the job.

An executive fairy.

in charge of a large department of a fairy task force.

Here's one from Tamsin.

Aggregating fairy power.

I had a fit of giggles in my first job interview many years ago when the interviewer asked me if I saw myself having a quote, big job in the future.

Oh dear.

Lindsay Norwich, who supplies her age, 31.

When I was 18, I went to an interview for the role of campsite person.

I was asked what my worst characteristic was, to which I replied, sometimes I get a bit angry.

I've never worked on a campsite.

These are very good.

It's the understatement that really sells that to me.

Please keep those coming in.

The text number is 64046.

You can email us at Adamandjo.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

And don't forget, of course, if you're listening to this show during the week on Listen Again or

on the podcast, you can still keep your text-to-nation suggestions coming.

I was grinding to a halt there.

Some of the cogs just popped out of my brain and I was scrabbling around trying to refit them.

I've been operating without cogs for months.

Have you?

Yeah, there's nothing in there.

Oh, I got excited because last night I found one of them, right?

Did you?

Yeah, down the back of the sofa while I was watching Lost and

I popped it back in and then it just popped out there.

So I was saying we've got retro textination, so if you're listening during the week, you can still suggest your audition, stroke, job interview, nightmare stories.

Right now, here's Jack Piñata with tonight's today, tonight's today, tonight's today.

We play this every week, don't we?

Without fail.

We've got some special Jack Piñata here.

We've played it the last three weeks.

It's good though, isn't it?

It's very good.

I love to hear it, but let's hear it again.

Very nice, very exciting.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

We got a letter this week or an email from Andrew Woods, the Woodman.

He says, Dear Adam and Joe, re-total wipeout.

Hey, Joe Cornish, he says, Cornishes in capitals.

You ungrateful little idiot, Hull.

You are blessed with celebrity and all the opportunity that comes with it, and you've become so spoiled.

that you would spurn the opportunity to go on the hilarious Total Wipeout television programme.

This is outrageous!

And it makes me furious!

Is this letter from Adam Buxton?

No, it's from Andy Woods.

He's part of Stupid Squad.

Gah!

He says in the middle.

I'm just doing shouting for the capitals.

he says we the people have to audition for the opportunity to humiliate ourselves on the television and you turn it down i don't believe it he says all also shouting um as you may have guessed i have with my friend john recently auditioned for total wipeout and neither of us have yet been selected that's his dream to go on that program and they invited you you read that last bit with a genuine sense of dejection yeah flatness you know what i watched that show last weekend when i got home it's a good show

Is it?

Yes, it is a good show.

I like it.

What's the deal with the giant balls?

Because most of the course, if you haven't seen this show, it's hosted by Hammond, the Hammond hamster.

Hosted in the loosest possible sense.

I mean, he's obviously done a day in front of a blue screen, hasn't he?

And got paid a million cars for it.

Come on.

Whatever they pay him in.

Hamsters actually eat grain.

So he's probably been paid in an enormous quantity of grain.

They've just given him a little bottle of water to sit at.

Yeah, there is a wheel just out of frame.

But yeah, it's a bit like it's a knockout.

It's a big, impossible obstacle course, and they dress them up in big padded protective gear, and they have to negotiate their way around this thing.

thinking that's one of the things that makes it less fun because if it was the 70s they could you know they could do it without a safety and a helmet.

There's so much safety gear now that it slightly takes and must make it very heavy for you when you fall in the water.

That's part of the thing is that physically it makes it almost impossible to negotiate any of these obstacles.

You must be exhausted just by dragging your stupid helmet.

life jacket around anyway so he's angry there he's absolutely furious but i was thinking like how you know the balls but there's one bit where you have to leap because you were boasting last week how good you would be at the ball well i wasn't but i was being silly but i when you see people do those balls you can tell what they're not doing the more you see i can't really talk like this they not go on can i yeah

There's four enormous bouncy inflatable balls, right?

And the thing you have to do is bounce, in theory, on top of each ball and then get to the other side.

Can you imagine?

I could probably just lie across all the balls.

I'm so tall.

But all that happens... You create a bridge, all the other contestants could run across me.

And then we'd all win and then we could beat up the Hammond and bring the program down like Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man.

Can't say all that and then not go on now.

Well, now I can't go on because they know I'm going to bring the show down.

Right.

Don't get you on.

He's trouble.

Exactly.

But the idea that you could negotiate the balls, I don't believe it.

No one can do that.

No one got past the first ball on the show, I watch.

A couple of guys do it.

No.

Yeah, guys have done it.

And it's kind of fluky, you know, when they show it in slo-mo you can see that they're very lucky they just happened to have fallen in the right place.

This is bounced right.

Yeah, people can do the first two, but it's very hard to know quite what momentum, what velocity, what direction you'll be going by the third one.

They're very unpredictable balls.

They certainly are.

That's what made me think of you.

Well, it's a match made in heaven, isn't it?

That's a way that you could describe this show as well, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Right, I've got a free play coming up right now.

This is the pretty thing.

You know what, I'm relieved when moving on.

I'm kind of, I feel off the hook.

Yeah.

I thought you were gonna like do more targeted bullying.

No, I wasn't bullying.

It's not going on.

I wasn't, but I would, after watching the Prote show, I would just like to see how you dealt with the balls.

Can you imagine my enormous, thin, stick-like frame spinning in the air?

Yes, I can.

Like the stick from 2001.

very much so, splashing into the water with your head, bashing on one of the poles on your way down.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would.

A bit of gore.

Oh dear, now that was a very nasty fall.

Oh!

And Joe's had to retire from Celebrity Total Wipeout because he's broken his arm in five places.

I'm going to be sat at home going, hey!

This is entertainment.

I'm joking.

Obviously, I'd be upset.

Are you there?

Are you?

I'm joking.

Of course.

Why do I want to see you?

Where do jokes come from?

I wouldn't want to see your arm broken in five places.

So listen, free play time.

This is from the album SF Sorrow by The Pretty Things.

It's a kind of landmark in psychedelic rock.

From 1968, the LP.

I strongly recommend it if you're not familiar with it.

And this is a track called Balloon Burning.

Who was that then?

That was the Pretty Things with Balloon Burning from the album SF Sorrow.

That's very, very nice.

That's crazy psychedelic stuff from the end of the sixties, man.

Things were happening then, you know?

There was a revolution going on.

IN THE HEAD!

Wow.

I was watching Moonraker the other week.

Good choice.

Yeah, they were releasing all the Bond films on Blu-ray.

How's that standing up?

It looked amazing.

Did it?

I love Moonraker.

That was absolutely our prime page, wasn't it?

Yeah, bang on.

There's a scene where James Bond, he's looking for a doctor called Dr Goodhead.

Yes, I remember Dr Goodhead.

He goes into a room.

It's pathetic, isn't it?

And he says, I'm looking for Dr Goodhead.

And a beautiful woman turns around and says, I'm Dr Goodhead.

He goes, a woman.

Now that's big screen entertainment.

They keep trying to kill him in it, right?

They keep trying to kill James Bond.

That's amazing, isn't it?

That's like less than 30 years ago.

I mean, it's brilliant, but it's turned into like the most incredible high budget episode of Garth Meringue's Dark Place or something when you watch it now.

Was it 82, 83?

late 70s, I think, because it was cashing in on Star Wars, wasn't it?

I think it was just at the beginning of the 80s, Moonraker.

I think it was 1779.

Yeah, but I think.

Because I think it came out around the same time as poltergeist.

1980. 1980.

I know Poltergeist was 82.

Right, so I think it was late.

In the UK.

Well, some will tell us, some will look it up.

But they try to kill James Bond a lot in it, right, don't they?

They're all dracs, played by Michael Lonsdale.

Very good performance, very grounded and serious.

It is, it's a good performance.

Now I'm doing an impression of him.

Yeah.

He's like a very, very evil man.

Sounds like Jonathan Ross doing his German accent.

But Drax is trying to kill Bond and I don't know, but he goes about in a very roundabout way.

Like James Bond is in Venice to investigate some things and he's coming home from an investigation on a gondola.

So Drax decides it would be a good idea, did we talk about this before?

To fake up a funeral cortege and have a knife thrower in a coffin.

And then while James Bond goes past, the knife thrower pops out and tries to throw knives at him.

That's the way to get rid of him.

Now, what kind of a universe would that be a logical thought?

You know, the best way to get rid of someone, I find, is to, is to arrange in the laboratory.

I mean, the only logical way that that would be a sensible decision would be, and in a way it does make some sense, because since the very beginnings of the Bond films, they've tried to just do normal things like shoot him and hit him.

and it hasn't worked through all the early films.

So the villains who probably communicate about this kind of thing have reached a mutual understanding that Bond can't be killed.

I mean, some people still just try and kick him and fight him.

It never works.

So they have to think of more and more elaborate ruses.

What if we tied some little bombs to balloons and then we somehow lured Bond into a fair and made him want to buy a little bomb balloon?

Exactly, exactly.

Like how would you kill if James Bond was going to see Monsters vs Aliens in 3D at the IMAX this weekend?

Brilliant.

How would you kill him at that?

We shall put acid on the side of his 3D glasses so that the arms of the glasses eat into his brain.

What about having a giant 3D spike that comes out of the screen, but it's a real spike.

The thing is, that's how I'd go about that.

That's good, man.

Everywhere James Bond goes, people try and kill him, but he's always, like for instance with the knife throwing thing in Venice, what haven't they planned for?

that he's got a hover gondola.

And of course they didn't think, you know, they didn't think, well, he's got a hover gollender.

And then at another stage they try and kill him.

You know, he's being shown round Drax's facility and they put him in a machine that simulates G forms.

And they decide to make the machine go at little speeds.

No faster.

And what don't they factor in there?

That he's got a watch that fires a spike.

The press is the off button.

The kill switch.

The chicken switch, right.

Oh, damn it.

Bond has got us again.

I do think it's a shame they've gone back to basics with those films.

Because now it's straightforward killing, isn't it?

But they've gone back to the beginning and they're back to trying to punch and shoot him.

Punching and kicking.

And they, you know, they should know that that doesn't work.

You've got to think much more elaborately.

Yeah.

To try and kill him.

We shall see the clouds with tiny little knives.

And then... It's got a metal umbrella.

Make a damage.

It just happened that when Q gave him the equipment, there just happened to be a metal umbrella.

Very well.

We shall tempt him to the park and get laser ducks.

Laser ducks?

And when he goes to feed them?

Yeah but he's got mirrored bread.

Damn it!

And the lasers ricochet off the bread and blow up the ducks.

Once again he has foiled us.

We shall keep drinking.

Oh.

You see, in a way, those Roger Moore Bond films are more realistic than the new ones.

That's true, isn't it?

Yeah, because that's a more realistic approach to trying to call James Bond.

Certainly more romantic.

Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

It is just on 10.30.

It's time for the news.

Feral Williams.

Did you say Feral or Feral?

Feral, I think.

Feral.

He's front in.

Is that new Feral?

Feral?

No, that's old.

Old Feral.

Feral.

Sorry, I'm not getting the Feral memo.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music on this rather grimy Saturday morning here in London.

As we speak, it is a little bit on the grimy side and they're saying that the warm spat is a thing of the past.

Warm spat?

Is that the correct terminology?

Yeah, if you heat up your spats.

Exactly.

These spats are very warm.

But, you know, it seemed as if summer was arriving.

It did, didn't it?

And they're saying now it's not.

Oh, dear.

It isn't.

But listen, you know, a few weeks ago, we had a text donation about made up jokes, jokes you've made up.

And we're happy to say that listeners have kept sending them in.

People maybe who are a bit behind on their podcasts, who've only just heard that, contribute via email.

And that's highly acceptable.

We enjoy that kind of thing.

So we thought we might tell you some of the good jokes we've received.

And you've got to remember, these are made up by people.

That's the criteria, that you've got to have authored these jokes yourself.

Yeah.

And we've even done a little jingle-jungle, or I've done a jingle-jungle.

See what you think.

This might be the first and last time this ever gets played.

It's a tricky balancing act when you do a jingle about jokes, right?

But I've gone in this direction.

I'm a funny person, I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made up joke party

Oh, not another party.

We've already got the nectar points party.

It's all about the party.

It's going to be quite an extraordinary party.

It's up to us to make.

That was very good.

And it cleverly captured the sort of sense of resignation and slight depression.

What?

That maybe lingers behind some of these jokes.

There's a darkness.

It had some comedy sound effects, though.

It did.

They were very funny.

There's nothing funnier than a honky horn.

Honky horn.

Honky the horn.

Here's a joke I picked out.

This was written by Callum's friend, Mark Fraser.

Hey.

He made the joke up when he was around primary five.

That's age nine or ten.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I'd done up.

I'd done up what?

No.

Adam Buxton.

I'm kind of a man, are you?

I'm an idiot.

You are an idiot, whole.

I dug up what?

Well, I think the rest of the listeners could understand where that was supposed to go.

God.

Did you do that on purpose?

No, I didn't.

Do you know about knock-knock jokes?

Yeah, but if you do something up, it's generally you're not doing a person up, right?

You're doing a thing up, so I'm asking you, what did you do up?

You tell me well about it.

I'm sorry, I didn't deliberately torpedo that one.

Here's one.

This is from James Tricky in Brighton.

He says that I've heard Pixar are doing a remake of the Star Trek film.

The search for Spock, they're going to call it Finding Nimoy.

Hey, hey, you over there.

Hey, you rock-steady crew.

Come on.

Well, that's a joke for Star Trek fans.

What?

That's a joke for everybody.

Finding Nimoy.

No, that's good.

That's funny.

All right.

We're going to support these jokes now.

I'm going to do you another one.

You're going to support this.

You're going to laugh.

Yeah, I'm gonna laugh.

Have you seen that Jamie Oliver, this isn't the joke, but have you seen that Jamie Oliver Sainsbury's ad where they're selling, um, he's doing, he's at some kind of outdoor picnic and he's selling cakes.

I haven't seen this one.

It's good.

And he's giving people buns and a woman who he gives a bun to goes, Oh Jamie, nice buns.

And it has a shot of his bottom and he turns around and goes, and then there's a pause in the laugh.

And then he laughs more as if he's found a hidden nuance to the joke.

Nice buns.

And it ends.

Watch out for it.

It's a really strange laugh.

We were talking about fake laughs before forcing yourself to laugh at a joke.

Jamie Oliver laughed.

Well I've got another jingle for the jokes later on with a strange laugh on the top of it.

Might play it later.

Here's another joke then.

here we go hang on do you want to hear one in the time oh no here we go here we go this is from uh phil suffield uh here's an original joke made up by my girlfriend susan that you might enjoy one time we were just settling down to eat dinner tuna steaks and rice with veggies when a pee rolled off my plate and onto the floor happens a lot

i can't believe you're reading this one i like this one i looked at her she looked at me she said it's an escapee that's funny because that happens all the time in households and people can use that all the time when a pee goes off you go that's an escapee

That is funny, but you see, you've put too much pressure on it.

I'm sure at home, between a couple, that's the kind of thing that keeps a marriage alive.

Yeah.

That's funny.

I hadn't thought of that before.

No, that is funny.

It made me chuckle when I read it.

All right, how about this one?

Didn't make you chuckle when I read it.

No, it did.

It made me chuckle that you were reading it.

Well, it's different, isn't it?

How about this from Jeff in Dublin.

I hear there's a new HBO gritty US drama set in Baltimore about a radio station.

Not this one.

This is the problem is that we've both read all the emails.

So I know what these are going to be before he reads it.

Go on then.

We need to record that Jamie Oliver laugh and use it as a jungle.

Yeah, okay.

I hear there's a new HBO gritty US drama set in Baltimore about a radio station where the characters turn out to be not what you expect.

It's called The Wireless.

Yeah, here's another one.

Yeah, that's quite good.

Let's go one for wire fans.

Yeah, and radio fans.

Go on then.

No, I can't.

I can't read it out.

Well, you know what?

We got an email from Will Sargent, who's the guitar player in Echo and the Bunny Man.

Oh, yeah.

And that is pretty much enough for me.

You know what I mean?

That was very exciting for me.

He listens to the show, which is extraordinary.

And he says that he and the band have been making up jokes for years on tour of a similar kind.

And he says they usually end with a famous name.

Here's a few examples.

He sent a very long list, didn't he?

Quite a long list.

Most of which I can't read out because they're too dirty.

For example, he's got very small feet.

Who's that then?

Dave Clark's Five.

Now, I didn't quite understand that.

Well, there's a band called the Dave Clark Five, right?

Yes, and Clark's Shoes.

Yeah, and Size 5 would be very small.

Size 5.

Dave Clark's Five.

Yeah?

Yeah.

A posture of yes is in the wrong place.

I can't read any of the other ones out because they're too rude, but I'm going to see if I can get away with this one.

He's got constipation, you know.

Who?

William Shatner.

You know, when you're in a band, you spend a lot of time on a bus.

He says, it works best if you shake your head and look disappointed for the nah bit of shatna.

Yeah.

Shatna.

Well, they gave me a chuckle.

Thanks very much indeed, Will.

Have you got any more there?

Yeah, I do, but I'm not going to read them out.

Oh, really?

Yeah, the current climate isn't suitable.

No, I've suddenly thought twice.

What about the monkeys one?

Did you like that?

And what was that one?

I think maybe I've heard... I don't know if this guy made these up, but they made me chuckle.

This is from Chris.

He says, I just finished listening to the podcast.

If you fancy doing some more made up jokes, then here's a few that my mate Darren Ward made up that never failed to make me smile.

I'm not sure if Darren Ward did make these up, but they're quite good.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was holding on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

The look of satisfaction on your face is funnier than that.

I was thinking about like children listening to it and I thought if I was a child I would think that was funny.

Yeah, it's just like random non-sequiturs, right?

Is that what's happening there?

No.

I shouldn't think about it, should I?

That's right.

No, it's way too sophisticated for someone like you.

I don't understand it.

Anyway, thanks very much for those jokes.

Maybe they weren't the best jokes, but they were good nevertheless.

Well, they're authored.

So, you know, they're authored by the listeners.

So they have a sort of homemade charm.

Hey, we're going to play this insane super furry animals track.

Yeah, this is this from their new album?

Yeah, this is inaugural trams.

It seems to be a song about integrated public transport.

And it is it's I mean, it's you got to love a world where something this nutty is on the radio.

This is super furry animals.

Back for luscious live in the hub.

Wow.

We should hang around and be creepy with her.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Be inappropriately flirty.

She would love it.

She'd love that.

She'd love a couple of... Nothing a beautiful young woman likes more than a weird little aged man.

Looking at her slungingly and making slightly dirt.

A lovely Natasha card.

Hello.

You've got lovely knees.

Knees.

Different from mine.

Let's compare them.

Oh, look at your glitter on your eyes.

Ooh, that's... Did I say something else then?

I got quite freaked out.

All right, let's do some text-a-nation.

Let's play a text-a-nation jingle.

Text-a-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

It doesn't matter.

Text.

Oh dear, just having a little bit of a giggle.

Text the nation this week, listeners, is all about auditions or job interviews.

When you've been put on the spot, you have to perform, sell yourself, do your thing, and it's all gone horribly wrong.

We were inspired by some disastrous audition stories from Adam there.

From my audition locker.

Yep, those days are behind me.

I'm gonna nail pretty much every audition I get from now on.

You should be in one of those Judd Apatow films.

I should do, should I?

You know if Russell Brand can be in, you know, what's his name?

Adam Sandler's films?

Yes.

Well, he's better looking though, that's the problem.

Yeah, but still, when I watch, I haven't seen that film, but when I watch the trailer, it feels like a bit of an imposition.

Yeah.

So what are you doing in that?

That's true, isn't it?

Getting above his station, but then how would people feel if I popped up?

They'd feel even more annoyed.

Well, they'd known you'd, you know, work to get there.

That's true.

I've, you know, I've put, I've paid my dues and I've also got a huge amount of- But it would be hard to suspend disbelief.

You reckon?

Oh, that's Dr Buckles.

No, but that's for listening to this programme.

What's he doing pretending to be a whatever you're pretending to be?

Yeah.

You think?

Well, that's a major problem then, isn't it?

That's a major impediment to my acting career.

You're right for Americans, which is a much bigger audience.

They wouldn't know who you were, you'd be mysterious.

Who's that amazing guy?

Yeah.

He's brilliant.

Wow, if only he did some kind of radio show on a digital station.

If only he knew how to act.

Here is one from an anonymous text.

My friend Paul went to a job interview and on his way he walked into the overhanging branch of a tree.

He brushed his head off and carried on to the interview.

At first everything was going well in the interview.

He was answering the questions and felt he had a rapport with the lady.

but then something appeared in front of his eyes.

It was a baby spider that had just hatched in his hair.

He carried on answering questions while trying to coolly brush the spider away with his hand, praying that the interview hadn't seen it.

As the interview continued, more and more spiders hatched in his hair and abseiled down the front of his face.

He managed somehow to get through the interview, but couldn't tell from her expression if she had noticed.

As they were so tiny, it was possible she hadn't seen them and had just thought he had a nervous habit of running his hand through his hair.

He stood up to shake her hand and decided to say, sorry to be the bringer of the spiders.

He never heard back from the company!

Wow.

Of course the other thing is that he was just imagining them.

He'd eaten something weird, you know?

Maybe.

And he was going into a special place in his mind.

Sorry to be the bringer of the spiders.

That's something some sort of- Thanks very much.

That's the sort of thing an agent of Satan might say.

Yeah, exactly.

If he was preparing for the apocalypse.

Well keep your CV on fire and if anything comes up we'll give you a call.

I like the spider guy, he had a sense of something.

I can see the moon in your face.

Oh, sorry.

Here's one from David Carrot.

Good morning Chaps.

I once applied to study geography at Oxford University.

On my application form I had described a passion for current affairs.

In the interview, the tutor produced a map, pointed to a country, asked me to identify it.

Baffled, I responded, um, China.

It was Iraq.

He looked furious.

I received a plight rejection letter on Christmas Eve.

Fun times.

Taylor Carrot.

Here's one from Colette.

I went for a job interview with Her Majesty's... China's a big one, isn't it?

That's an easy one.

Yeah, it's quite conspicuous.

I went for a job with Her Majesty's customs a few years ago.

At the end of the interview, I was asked why I thought I'd be good at the job.

I went completely blank and replied, do not really just think I would be.

Like looking through people's bags.

Colette doesn't tell us whether she got it, probably did.

Yeah, exactly.

I would say they would be very impressed with that.

Matt Garrell in London.

I did an advert casting for a popular High Street bank not so very long ago.

I had to simulate being on a waterslide going through San Paolo.

Whoa.

You've seen that advert, haven't you?

Yes, I have.

Yeah, so have I.

Unfortunately, the powers of my acting alone were insufficient, and what they really wanted me to do to get a true representation of what it looked like would be to strip down to my pants and be pushed around the room on a swivelly office chair by the director.

The shade.

Just pieces of meat is all they are.

That's weird.

That's going very far.

I guess you'd need to see how they looked in the undies.

That's the thing.

I mean, you know, half the time you've got in your head all these ideas about delivering a wonderful performance and communicating something special with your acting skills, all they want half the time, more than half the time, is just the look, isn't it?

Someone the right height and stuff.

Exactly.

Looks right.

Finally, here's one from A. Sandham.

Dear Adam and Joe, after completing a particularly long and harrowing interview that kept wandering off track, the relief at reaching the end was such that I stood up and blurted out, that was weird, wasn't it?

There was a long moment, they quickly ushered me out.

I never heard from them again.

You almost made it.

You see, we hire all these people on the spot.

Don't you think?

You can come and work for us at the castle.

I don't say that.

No, I mean you can't.

There's no question what you meant to say, that's right.

There's no way that you're going to come any way to the castle.

Now, what's this record?

Delphic with Counterpoint.

Yeah, I've never heard this before.

Is this a new addition to the playlist, Ben?

Let's just play it.

We'll check our note.

Oh, my God, I've got it wrong.

I'm so sorry.

It's not Delphic with Counterpoint.

Oh, it's your free play.

It's my free play.

This is Corner Shop with Topknot.

of the big, pretty castle.

It is the top of the hour pool, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and

That's Camera Obscura with a track about the French Navy.

I love Camera Obscuras.

It's a Camera Obscura, one of those dark rooms you go into and there's a big white table and the outside world is projected via some kind of natural light refraction phenomenon.

It's like a giant pinhole camera.

There's one in Greenwich.

It's awesome.

And there's one in Bristol as well?

Yeah, that's right, near the Suspension Bridge.

Yeah, they're lovely.

It's a very strange experience to go into one of them, isn't it?

Yeah, they're wicked.

And it's so terrific they've got together and formed a band now, all the camera obscuras.

That's right.

I thought they were buildings.

Who knew?

Who knew they could actually play guitar and tour?

Yeah, and, moreover, that they were so interested in the French navy that they would write a song about it.

The world's a wonderful phantasmagoria.

It is, absolutely.

Do you like people who pronounce that word phantasmagoria?

No, but I do love Mr. Majoriums.

Phantasmochorium.

Wonder Emporium.

Yeah, that's one of my favourite shops.

It's under threat actually of closure and it's going to be rebranded.

Is it?

Yeah, as Johnny Magic's House of Tragic.

Really?

No, I don't know.

Strange thing to say.

I thought I was riffing there.

Yeah.

Like, you know, like Xavi.

Right, yeah.

No, that's good.

Rebranding.

No, it's good.

Credit crunch.

I think what I'll do is I'll listen to it again.

On the podcast.

And then get a little chuckle.

Yeah, exactly.

Hey, speaking of which, you know, by the time the podcast for this show comes out, you will be able to download or just have a look at

on my YouTube site, which we'll link to on the BBC's website.

A video of me enjoying the podcast in my shed.

Excellent.

Because we talked about that on the podcast.

How long is it?

A week or so back.

How long do you think I should make it?

I haven't shot it yet.

I think you should make it the entire duration of the podcast.

And I think you should put the podcast audio over it.

So for one week only, listeners can enjoy the whole podcast accompanied by a night vision video of you in a shed wearing what?

Wearing like a sort of Japanese nightgown.

Wearing a Japanese nightgown, conducting with one hand, sipping wine with the other and laughing at yourself.

Well, I won't be able to put the audio from the podcast, this week's podcast on it yet, because it hasn't been done.

Right.

So it'll have to be last week's podcast.

That's true.

Unless they send you the podcast, you know, like an advanced copy, because it needs to be, it's finished.

Then it's someone listens, checks it for compliance.

You can send me one bit of the podcast, Ben, and then I'll do a video of myself listening to that and appreciating it.

I'll send you this bit.

Wow.

That would be some kind of implosion.

It'd be like the Hadron Collider.

Charlie Kaufman world.

Well, that's something to look forward to.

Okay.

Now, I think it's been a while since we had any Steven news on the programme.

It is, some Stevenage.

Well, we've got kind of a jingle here by way of an introduction to some Steven news.

Steven!

Wow.

That's the audience of a Radio 4...is it Radio 4?

No, it's Radio 2 pilot that I did the other day.

A new film quiz with John Holmes that he's devised and the audience there for that recording were kind enough to indulge a little bit of Stevenage.

So, let me tell you that we've had a message here, just a very brief explanation if you don't know what Steven is all about.

It's a way for people who listen to this show to communicate with strangers and find out if they are also listeners to the show.

All you have to do is stand in a public place and go, Steven!

And if anyone says, just coming, that means that they probably listen to this programme.

So, we got a message here.

Phil, Joe, Phil, Joe, Phil.

Yeah, it's an email we got from a listener who I encountered in the street.

Oh, yes, here we go.

And I've got a bad record of bad responses to... You leave a lot of people hanging.

I do.

Rob Farris is the guy's name.

Dear Adam, yes, that's right.

Adam, note, I am not talking to Joe.

I've just been party to a crime against Stephening.

I exited my building for lunch on Monday the 30th of March at approximately 1.30pm and who should I see meandering gently along the pavement towards me but Mr. Joe Cornish.

My goodness, I thought, what an opportunity.

A chance for a real-life Stephen.

I paused and checked again that it was definitely him in front of me, then raised a hand and proclaimed, Stephen!

He caught my eye and with the slightest smile replied, hey, without breaking step.

It was more of a hey.

Hey, without breaking step, hands firmly planted in his big smug, comfy jacket.

He's angry at my jacket.

He's absolutely furious.

Hey, he says, hey, what sort of response is that?

I feel not only as a podcaster and a regular listener, but more importantly, a license payer, that I am owed a Just Coming by Joe.

I've provided my contact details below and look forward to receiving the appropriate response.

Yours, left hanging, Rob Farris.

So you have an opportunity now to deal with the situation.

Well, I'll call him up during the next record on his mobile and do a Just Coming.

Really?

Yeah.

But I don't want to set any precedent.

I mean, I thought this was a thing that listeners did amongst themselves.

I thought we didn't have to... Were exempt.

I thought we were exempt.

Because it's obvious we know about the show because we're on it.

I was doing a thing.

I was probably thinking about things.

Sure.

I'd finished a thing and I was mulling it over in my head.

Thinking of a new dialogue.

Yeah, some amazing thing.

And I just, you know, I feel you, Adam Buxton, you're better at this than me, but you have more of a live presence in the world.

You do live gigs and stuff.

Yeah.

You meet our audience at the coal face.

I'm more hermit-like.

Right.

And socially awkward.

Are you?

And yeah.

So I'm not as good.

You know, I don't really perform much.

Come on.

You denied the man.

Just coming.

I did.

But you're going to fix it then, right?

I'm going to fix it, yeah.

But, you know, in future, I mean, I don't want to just go around in the world in a state of mortal terror.

It's starting to happen.

That comedy gig I went to... It's hardly mortal terror.

It's just people... It is for me.

It's basically people just sort of saying hello, and all you have to do is say hello back, but in a different language.

Yeah, but no, you have to go, just coming!

And it just doesn't come as naturally as, hello, hey, how are you doing?

I mean, another thing we could establish is that if a listener sees one of us in the street, they could go, hello.

Right.

And I could say, like, this could be the thing, it could be a thing.

And I'd say, hi!

Ah, okay.

Yeah?

How about that?

Yeah, I like it.

Yeah?

Well, here's another chap who thinks that maybe the whole Stephen thing is burning out anyway.

Dave in Cambridge.

He says, I write this with my ears still ringing from a fantastic Dananananacroid gig I saw last night in Cambridge.

Now, they're supposed to be good if we ever played them.

Yeah, maybe we haven't played them on this show actually, but they are supposed to be good.

I keep reading about them.

They're noise nicks.

The gig was marred by a terrible Steven moment when the lead singer Callum said Steven in between songs and there was no just coming response.

No.

as I for one was caught off guard.

However, it seemed to me that if a singer in a band is shouting out Steven during a gig, then the whole phenomenon has gone too far.

Should it not be brought to a close and assigned to its rightful place as part of cult Adam and Jo history?

I would say that when singers in bands start saying it... That's when it's starting to reach its apex.

Yeah, that's when it's tipping.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

We've had the Fleet Foxes

are in there.

They're on the Stephen bandwagon.

Now we've got the Dan and Anna Nachroids in there.

Somebody from Hatch and Social sent me a video.

I think his name is Ian.

I'm not sure the base is in Hatch and Social.

Sent me a video of a gig in Berlin where the audience are Stephening.

Or are they Stephening?

I'll have another look at it.

Wow.

But that's action in Berlin.

That's pretty good.

I was thinking we should step it up a notch.

I was thinking we would have a world map on our website.

and it would be like sightings of some rare species of bird.

International Stevenage.

Yeah, and you would have a little thing on the website that showed you, and you'd put the cursor on it, and up would come a little description of the Steven where it was heard, and you know, you could get nectar points, Adam and Jo points, for you know, getting a Steven in a really outlandish location.

Because we've had what?

We've had New York in a museum in New York.

Yeah.

We've definitely had Paris, we've had Berlin, we've had some far-flung Stevens.

We'll look in our archives.

I'm sure there must be one in it.

We've got a few people listening in Australia.

We've definitely had some Antipodean ones.

I like it!

We're talking with the BBC about refreshing our website listeners.

We're going to maybe have a new website with a blog and stuff.

We're not quite sure what sort of stuff it'll have on it, but it'll be improved.

And maybe that could be one of the features.

So we're not shutting it down.

We're ramping it up.

It's all in the pipe.

I mean, we do we do this from it.

Yes.

We do on this program like to make outrageous claims and promises and then not necessarily follow through immediately.

But that's just the way we roll.

Yeah.

It'll happen.

All right.

So sit tight.

Thanks very much for all your Stephen news.

Here we have a bit of music now from the wonderful Eels.

This is Susan's house.

That's very nice, isn't it?

That's Eels with Susan Sows.

We were talking about lookalikes the other week, weren't we?

Oh, yeah.

And we were asking listeners when they emailed us to tell us who they looked like so we can imagine them as sexy celebrities.

Who was the footballer you were supposed to look like?

Fernando Torres.

Fernando Torres is not supposed to look like.

I mean, the face, not so much, but the body.

The ball skills.

Yeah, that's the skilled ball skills.

And a lot of people have emailed saying that I, Joe Cornish Bearer, facial resemblance to Nicholas Rowe, who played Sherlock Holmes.

The young Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes and the pyramid of fear.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, we've really had a lot of emails, so that's why I felt I should say it, to acknowledge that.

And I am aware of that.

I'm not that happy about it.

Why not?

Well, he's a funny-looking chap.

Slightly beaky nose.

Yeah, I've got a slightly beaky nose.

And you know, I auditioned for that film.

That's right, you did.

They came to our school.

You even lied about getting the part.

Yeah, and this is a story I've told before but I'll tell it again quickly.

I auditioned for it I didn't get a part in it even though our English teacher at school thought that I would so I got very excited Yeah, I was so disappointed at not getting the part.

I was too young basically I was only about 14 and I think Nicholas Rowe was a little older than me.

He's not beaky enough Yes, not enough of a beak

You're looking for more of a beak.

But, so, there is a hairdresser near me, near Vauxhall in South London, called Tingles.

Ah, yeah.

And I'd driven past Tingles, and I was going through a particularly Ponce 80s phase, and I decided I'd visit Tingles.

So I went into Tingles to have my hair done.

Tingles is still there on the clapping road.

I think it is, yeah, Tingles.

And I never went there once because I told the hairdresser at Tingles that I was in young Sherlock Holmes in the Pyramid of Fear.

And I didn't want to say that I was playing Holmes because I thought she might see it and realize.

So I told her she was playing Moriarty.

You were playing Moriarty.

Yeah, I was playing Moriarty, sorry.

who I don't think is in the film.

Not sure Moriarty is in the film in the end.

But this is like a lot of the stories people sent us about things you did to be cool last week.

But that's a thing I tried to do to be cool.

I lied about getting a part in the film.

Nice bit of lying.

Yeah, and I've never been back to tingles since.

And still, every time I drive past tingles, I get a little tingle of guilt.

that there might be a disappointed hairdresser in there.

I've watched it a hundred times.

I still can't see him.

There's a picture of you up in the window now.

Even though now that listeners say I look like Nicholas Rowe, maybe she saw it and go.

He was lying about being Moriarty.

He was the lead.

He just got a stage name, Nicholas Rowe.

That's right.

oh it's the beaky fella yes i put his um i put his son in in i did his highlight his son in i made him look like the man from flock of seagulls from china crisis from china the man from flock of seagulls from china crisis yeah i just switched the band the reference there

Okay, we're going to catch up with a bit more Texanation shortly.

But first, here's a free play for you right now.

This is Simeon, and this is a band.

This is one of those bands.

They had a very distinctive debut album called Chemistry Is What We Are, which was very woozy and psychedelic.

Lots of lovely harmonies.

That's one of the tracks I'm going to play you.

Strange time signatures, that kind of thing.

And then they sort of went off, and their next album, I think, was the one that yielded the track We Are Your Friends, which was remixed, maybe, by Justice.

And it sounded totally different, like 100% different.

And I'm not sure, I don't know how it did for them.

I guess it did quite well.

But to me, it wasn't really to my taste.

I liked the early simian, the woozy psychedelic simian.

Maybe a band member left or something and took all the psychedelic stuff with him.

I don't know what happened.

But no offence to the Simeon chaps that remained, but I really liked the early incarnation and this is one of those tracks from that album.

Chemistry is what we are.

This is called Orange Glow.

You know, one of the nice things about doing a radio show or anything in the sort of public eye vaguely or like tiny section of a tiny portion of the public's ear is that sometimes people from bands that you really admire or famous people like listen to it, right?

That was what was really nice about doing the Adam and Jojo on Telly years ago.

like people that we really admired suddenly have something to sort of identify you with, right?

And it was exciting that the Bunnyman chapped there.

And I get excited that Tom Robinson listens to this program.

He's obviously a six music DJ, but he's a fan of the show and he sent us a very nice email, didn't he?

He was trying to help out with, he was trying to prove that there was a supportive Twitter community out there, which I know, you know, I'm just still getting my head round Twittering, that's all.

I still appreciate that.

Thanks, Tom.

Yeah, thanks, Tom.

And what have we got something to plug of Tom's?

Well, yeah, Art Brute.

You say Art Brute or Art Brew?

Brute, I think.

How would you say Brute?

Yeah, Art Brute.

They are playing on his show.

They're doing a session for him.

When are they doing it, Joe Cornish?

They are doing it next Friday from 7pm.

And their new album, I think I'm right in saying, is produced by Frank Black.

Wow, really?

X of the Pixies, now calling himself Black Francis again.

But I'm not 100% certain about that.

Right, so it's probably not.

No, I'm pretty sure.

Really?

I'm just thinking on past record, you know?

Right!

Of getting things right.

Throwing the gauntlet down.

That's galvanised me into checking my facts also.

We've got two things right.

Charlotte says that I was correct about Moonraker being made in 79.

Was it?

79.

Okay, so we've got to play a bit of art brute for you right now.

This is Alcoholics Unanimous.

Right.

Alcoholics unanimous by Art Brute.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC's 6 Music.

It's just gone 11.30 and it's time for the news.

That was the the with this is the day that you heard just before that slightly contracted text donation jingle.

And we're going to wrap up our text donation this week, which let me remind you, was all about dreadful auditions, stroke, job interviews that you've been involved with in your life.

Terrible stories inspired by the fact that I actually had a nice audition yesterday, but I've had a number of pretty atrocious ones in my life where I've more or less made a phenomenal dobber of myself in a number of inventive ways.

and come out feeling fairly humble thereafter so you know we were asking you for similar anecdotes you got anything there Joe?

I certainly have here's one from a person

Have you ever met any people?

You know, I'm a people person myself.

Really?

So you love them.

I make it my business to meet as many of them as I can.

Hi guys, my favourite interview story concerns my friend Rich, who went along to his Cambridge University interview, and when the academic offered him his outstretched hand to shake, Rich thought he was offering to take his coat and dumped it on his hand.

Bad one.

He tried to redeem it at the end by saying Merry Christmas instead of goodbye.

It was October he didn't get in.

Oh, it's bad, because once you start getting rattled in those situations, things keep rattling.

It's a weird world, isn't it?

You enter into it, you step into a room like that, the all bets are off, the rules have changed, normal natural behaviour isn't what's expected, it's a ritualised arena with its own codified rules.

And you have to keep playing by those rules, even if the temptation is to sort of cut through all the crap.

But the thing is, no one's quite sure what those rules are.

No.

But we're going some way to finding out what they could be through your brilliant texts.

Nicely.

Well, that was a brilliant little segue there.

Here's another one from Alex in London.

I've never had much success in interviews, but one embarrassment is still particularly painful to recall.

While at university in London, I decided I needed a summer job, applied for a telesales position at a firm in Acton.

trekked all the way up there, found the grotty industrial estate.

I was already having second thoughts.

Times were tough, needed the job.

Interview went okay, the man seemed as if he was going to offer me the job.

He certainly had something on his mind that he seemed anxious to tell me.

Do you mind if I make an observation?

He enquired, not at all, I replied, expecting some helpful friendly tip on interview technique.

Well, he went on, has anyone ever told you you look a lot like Andrew Lloyd Webber?

I was furious, since the Lloyd Webber look was not one I had been purposefully cultivating, and I am aware he is not considered a classical beauty by most.

Man.

Thank you.

With a lovely face.

He does not look like Davros.

Because basically you would be impugning the judgement of Sarah Brightman amongst other beautiful women.

Which would be horrific.

And he doesn't look like Davros' fat uncle.

I was furious yeah blah blah blah anyway I declined the I declined the offered job on the basis of hurt pride oh that's him declining a job because of something misguided the interviewer said right too frivolous I mean I would that that's my dream one day I'm gonna have sufficient confidence in my life and the things that really matter that I'm gonna stand up in an embarrassing audition situation I'm gonna go you know what

I just don't need this.

See ya.

And then there's this good- wait!

Come back!

No one's ever talked to us like that before.

That's right.

You're amazing.

Yes, you can have the job, Dr. Buckles.

Oh, thank you, it worked!

Thank you very much!

When do I start?

Oh no, you've lost it again.

Oh no!

No, you've got it again.

You know what?

I don't need this.

You got it again.

Hooray!

Lost it.

Oh, you don't need this.

Long interview.

I don't need this.

Here's one from another person.

There's a lot of people out there.

I went to a job interview last year in Canary Wharf.

It was going really well until they asked me, what's your biggest regret?

Oh, what?

I thought about it a bit and started to cry.

Oh my goodness.

I didn't get the job.

Sorry, that's from John in Bethnal Green.

You know what, that's a bit sexy to me, but I was imagining that at least it was a woman.

Because women do tend to cry, it's a medical fact, a bit more easily than men.

But John, why are you doing having a little weep in the middle of the job interview?

Hey, men cry as well.

Of course they do, but it doesn't happen quite so much.

They just cry tears of stone.

There's all kinds of physiological reasons why that's so.

I can give you quite a boring book about it.

Really?

Yeah.

Here's one from Nick White.

My mate went for a job that required fluent French and although he only had GCSE grade C, he said on his CV that he was fluent.

Good bit of lying.

The interview went a bit like this.

Hi Andrew.

As you know this post requires a fluent French speaker so if you don't mind we'll be conducting the rest of the interview in French.

At which point he reeled off in perfectly fluid French a lengthy first question.

After a bit of a dramatic pause, Andrew calmly responded with, uh, I know I said I spoke French, but actually I don't.

So if it's okay with you, I'm going to leave now.

Good work.

That must have happened a bit though, surely.

The interviewers must have been just having a ball.

Anna in Hackney.

Would you have tried to bluff it a bit with your school boyfriend?

Then run out.

Here's one from Anna in Hackney.

When I was about 15 I applied for a job in a chemist.

The interview form had a bit on it where it asked why I wanted to work in a chemist.

I said it was because I like the smell of chemists.

I wasn't joking or anything.

I meant that nice chemically smell.

I don't think it painted me in the best light I never heard back.

Now that is a weird thing to say because it makes you sound like some kind of special serial killer person.

Yeah.

I like the smell of chemists.

It is a nice smell, though.

What?

It's just a reassuring smell.

You know you're close to being cured.

Do you like the smell of hospitals, too, then?

No.

Why is that different?

Well, it's chemists are more upbeat, because they're about, you know... Minor ailments.

Yeah, minor ailments and the cure, and it reminds me of childhood, you know, and you're a pusher and the chemist.

Sure.

Anyway, you want another one?

Yeah, go on, give us one more to wrap it up.

One more.

Hi, I went for a job as an HGV fitter, and the foreman directed me into an office.

This is from Jonathan Banks.

But what I thought he said was follow me.

So I went behind him down a corridor, then realised he was going to the toilet.

As he opened the door to the gents, he turned and saw me directly behind him.

Unsuccessful.

I like that.

One more, one more.

Okay.

This is from Claire Rice.

A friend of mine just told me she auditioned for theatre school with a dramatic monologue.

They asked her to perform it as if she was being arrested.

Right, this is good for you.

Yes, taking notes.

She struggled against a fake police officer and her top came down.

She wasn't wearing a bra.

She got into the school.

You see, that is what it comes down to, isn't it?

There you go.

That's all you need to know about auditions, interviews, life, the universe.

Pop your top off.

And everything.

Pop your top off, love.

In you come.

Job's yours.

Was Adam Buxton speaking?

No, of course it wasn't.

No, it wasn't Adam Buxton.

No, that was Roger... I was in character.

Yes, Roger Donald.

He's another teacher.

You know what?

I don't need this job.

OK.

Well, you've got it.

You're hired.

Hooray!

You're fired.

Oh, I do.

No, I don't need it.

OK, here's Paul Weller.

No, no, it's not Paul Weller.

It's Golden Silvers with True Romance, or is it the other way around?

I'm going to stop doing that.

You're fired.

I don't need this job.

Yeah.

Go on.

What?

Watch the video online now.

Okay.

That's the sound of me watching.

Doesn't sound like it.

No, it sounds different, doesn't it?

Exactly.

It sounds like you're inside the lavatory.

You know, I've been having a terrible time with technology recently, right?

And about a year ago, I signed on for a service that Macintosh provided if you have a Mac computer.

It's a kind of internet thing.

Has it must have a groovy name?

I can't remember what they changed the name.

I think it was a Mac Dot account or something like that.

And it enabled you to sync all your photos in space.

And I was having a little...

In secure moment and a friend of mine says you haven't got a mac.me account.

Oh, you got to get one It makes your life brilliant and so easy and fantastic.

Okay, I'll get one.

Okay, me me me me me me So I immediately sign on for one at the cost of around 70 quid for about three years worth right never used it never never not once used it immediately forgot the password and all that kind of stuff and you know didn't make a proper note of it and

And then I was reminded that it existed a month or so ago when I got an email saying, your mobile me account is now about to be renewed because Mac Dot changed its name to mobile me in the process, apparently becoming much less good than it was before, according to my friend.

This is just the opinion of my friend.

But so I'm thinking, oh no, they're going to renew the account of this thing that I don't use.

OK, I've got to go and cancel it.

So I go to try and cancel it, right?

And it's asking me for my password and my login name, none of which I have.

So it says, forgot your password.

Yeah, I have forgotten my password.

So I click on the thing.

It takes me to a website where I can put in a new password and stuff.

Your, you know, notification will be emailed to you shortly.

Great.

Okay, so I've got my new password.

Then I go back to login.

I don't know what my login name is.

So I try all the obvious ones.

Adam Buxton, et cetera, you know, capitalise the A's and the B's and all that kind of stuff.

Nothing works.

I can't log in.

And there's no, there's no thing saying, you know, forgotten your login name as well.

It's tricky, isn't it?

The number of secret passwords are numbers you have to have to operate in society in the modern world.

It's becoming absolutely ridiculous.

Well, the upshot is that I failed to cancel the account.

And now they're charging you for another 17 quid.

Yeah, it's just a renew.

I got an email saying, congratulations, you've renewed for another year of a service, not only that I have never used and will never use, but I can't access.

Well, welcome to Britain.

You can't even get on it.

It's the same with mobile phone companies, isn't it?

If you don't cancel your contract, it just perpetuates infinitely.

Right.

And there's a phone number, there's a helpline number that you can call, but their office hours are completely out of sync with mine, so I'm never around during their office hours.

And then if you did finally get through, I would imagine the conversation would go something like,

I don't know, have you written down your login details?

No, that's why I'm calling.

No, I don't know.

It would go like that.

And then I would be possibly, I'm just speculating.

You could go, yes, Mr. Buxton, thanks a lot for calling.

Thank you very much for calling mobile me.

No problem, if you want to leave the service, that's absolutely fine.

Okay, here's your in detail right now.

70 pounds for leaving and another 150 pounds for compensation for your trouble.

That's right.

You never know, worth a try.

This is a record by the police.

It's called Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.

Bye.

That's the police with every little thing she does, it's magic.

It's the end of our show now.

We'll be back with you live next Saturday from... No, will we?

No, we won't.

That's a terrible, terrible lie.

That is an absolute lie, because we're pre-recording our show.

Yeah, we did sort of a slightly unusually disastrous pre-record the other day.

If you want to hear a couple of men more or less running on fumes at the end of their tethers, then listen to next week's show.

Yeah, and you do remember there'll be a podcast on Tuesday or you can listen to the show again live on the BBC iPlayer.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

Take care, have a good week.

Thanks for texting, emailing.

Bye.