The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (28 March 2009)

Welcome to the Big British Castle!

So what, it's just upside down, everything's topsy-turvy tonight?

Well, no, today's tonight, but tonight's the day, and today's tonight?

I said that twice.

I can't figure it out what he's trying to say.

I think he's just in a different time zone.

I mean, he's gone to Brazil or something, and his watch has got confused.

Yeah.

And he's got off the plane, and he's just thinking, I've got awful jet lag.

So today's tonight, tonight's today.

I don't know what he was trying to say, but he didn't do a very good job of articulating it.

He chose the wrong medium.

He was silly to do a song.

He should have written it down.

If you've got a point to make, the most concise and simple way to get that point across is either to talk to people about it directly, have a meeting.

Call the Samaritans.

Well, that's going to extremes.

Well, if you can't find anyone else to talk to about it, that's what they're there for.

If you're very upset by the problem.

Yeah.

But if it's a time zone problem, it's unlikely to be something the Samaritans need to step in.

and deal with immediately, is it?

You've talked to someone else before, the Samaritans.

You're right, you're right.

Just in case.

Yeah.

That was Jack Peñate there, discussing his problems with time zones.

And it was very enjoyably done, if a little, you know, unclear and confusing.

Tonight's Today is the name of the track.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Thank you very much indeed for joining us.

It's a little bit drizzly.

I'm not talking to you!

What's that noise?

That's the noise of you being angry.

Oh, I see.

It's exciting here in London, isn't it?

Because lots of peasants are gathering around the castle today with their pitchforks.

Why?

We're angry with world leaders.

Because all the world leaders are meeting up the river.

There's a demo, isn't there?

Yeah, there's all sorts of demos.

And the police, the Metropolitan Police, have decided to announce to the newspapers that it's going to be very violent.

What?

Is that a responsible thing for the head of the police to say?

Who said that?

The head of the police.

It was all over the paper.

Oh, it's going to be very violent.

That's ludicrous.

That's like they're expecting it to be violent.

They're encouraging it.

It's quite good that it's actually raining and quite miserable.

Right, you reckon people might stare at them?

Yeah, no one gets that.

Well, they'll just be a little bit sort of cowed.

Subdued.

Not that I disagree with what they're protesting about.

No, of course we don't want to get involved in the specifics of the protest, that would be... No, peaceful protest is very good.

In fact, I've got a peaceful protest free play coming up.

Have you?

Yeah.

Is it protesting about something important?

It's just it's encouraging people to get their voices heard.

It's one of the greatest protest songs of all time.

Wow.

That's amazing.

Can we expect that in this hour?

I don't think so.

No.

Is it?

When has it been scheduled for Ben?

Whenever I put the CD in and play it.

Ben, our regular producer, is back with us.

He's been in Vietnam.

He's been out there having some kind of amazing journey into his soul.

He might have some flashbacks during the program.

Yeah, who knows what he's been doing out there.

He looks very tanned.

And he's got a kind of thousand yard stare, even more than normal.

So all kinds of weird things might be happening with Ben throughout the show.

He's already been saying some very strange things and giving us weird advice.

So listen, what can you expect from this program?

Joe, why don't you fill them in?

Well, you can expect some terrifically entertaining chit-chat.

Also, lots of music.

Plus, regular features that the nation have come to adore.

Yeah.

Such as whose pop is that?

And what's out the window?

And my favourite food.

And my favourite cake.

Almost all your favourite features back again.

I was actually thinking about doing my favourite food.

Plus fashion news.

Yeah.

Penelope Keith will be here to talk about the repeats of To The Man Are Born on ITV2.

And we've got a great makeover.

Brilliant.

Coming up in the next three hours.

But right now, here's some music.

This is why we're here.

One of the main reasons why we're here, after all, at Six Music.

And to make that point, we're going to play a Jesus Jones song.

That's a weird way of making the point.

I don't know why I'm laughing about it.

You know, Zach loves Jesus Jones.

Our friend Zach.

Yeah.

This is dedicated to our friend Zach.

I hope you like this one.

Who, Where and Why by Jesus Jones.

Jesus Jones there with who where why You're listening to Adam and Joe on BBC six music.

We've only just started.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what?

I was gonna do this week.

I keep saying that I'm gonna do new jingles and stuff for the show I never get around to but this week.

I absolutely swear to you I'm gonna concentrate on six music and nothing else right?

Yeah, you got a good clear week more or less.

Yeah.

Yeah Yeah, I'm gonna set aside at least a couple of days.

That's good for jingling I done one did you well I done.

Yeah, I done a jingle but it's for the podcast

Mainly right there are some things only a few things listeners in case you only listen to this show live that are exclusive to the podcast It's true.

Mmm.

You know incentive.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's very incense insensitive Insensitive insensitive how very insensitive extremely insensitive of you.

I'm really gonna have to download the podcast now Because you've been so insensitive.

Yeah

Um, and so what I'm going to do, I was thinking of doing a jingle, right?

Especially for the people that tune into the beginning of the live show, because I reckon there's a little club and I, I like to call it the nine o'clock club.

Do you?

I thought we were calling them, what were they called?

Black squadron.

Oh, black squadron.

They were like a sort of secret underground stealth service.

Well, that could be their other name.

Their cover name could be the nine o'clock club.

It makes them sound like tiny children.

Well, exactly.

And that's how Black Squadron operate.

Because they come in, everyone thinks they're like the nine o'clock club, they think they're little four to seven year olds.

Why don't you call it the one o'clock club?

Because it's not one o'clock, is it?

It's nine o'clock now when they're tuning in.

But that then would be toddlers.

What, for 9 o'clock?

For 1 o'clock.

Didn't that used to be what toddlers go to, a 1 o'clock club?

I don't know.

Anyway, I can't remember back that far.

Yeah, so I was going to do a jingle for the 9 o'clock club, aka Black Squadron, right?

Because I do think there's a little exclusive group that is awake this early on a Saturday morning and actually tunes in.

People who go to work, right?

And then other people who just go to bed at a decent hour on Friday.

Don't go to the pub necessarily, or don't go to the pub until it's so late that they can't rise at a reasonable hour on Saturday.

And I thought they deserved a jingle.

Well that's exciting.

That's for next week though.

You're really talking it up.

I'm teasing it.

It's gonna be, it better be good.

It's a one week tease.

Really?

It's exciting.

And we should do another song wars, shouldn't we?

You know what I'm worried about?

What are you worried about?

The couple who about seven months ago asked us to do the first dance.

Have we missed the wedding?

Have we missed the wedding Ben?

Wasn't it Easter?

Yeah, but Easter's coming up.

We're going to check that during this next song and get back to you, because that would be quite bad.

That would be terrible.

Because we made promises.

Yeah, that would be bad fun.

Oh, dear.

You know, I wish this show just had six listeners.

I mean, I think it's probably got about 10, but it'd be nice if it just had six.

So we could take proper care of them.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The more people listen, the less easy it is to deal with everyone's concerns individually.

To provide a proper one-on-one service.

So why don't we start pushing everything down?

We're repelling people.

Yes!

Making it like deliberately bad instead of accidentally bad.

Well that would work quite well for me today because I've not got that much in my locker.

Oh no.

So we could make this an absolute sink show.

And try and reduce the listenership but then be extraordinarily bespoke for those for that small collection of people.

Really look after them.

That's a good idea isn't it?

Shall we try and repel some listeners with some music?

Well, I've got my free play next.

Okay, is it repellent?

It might be to some people.

What is it?

This is a track from the Fever Ray album.

Now, I think the lady in Fever Ray was in The Knife and she's from somewhere in Europe.

Swanage.

This is quite repellent because this would repel people who cared about music to the extent that they would want facts about it, you know what I mean?

Anyway, it's a good album, the Fever Ray album, and I hope you enjoy it.

It's sort of a little bit Bjorky and, well, I won't talk about it too.

I'll just play it.

Shall I just play it?

Yeah.

This track is called When I Grow Up by Fever.

When I Grow Up by Fever Ray.

Hope you enjoyed that one.

That's got chopper noises in it.

That might cause Ben to have flashbacks.

Chopper blade noises.

What's up, Ben?

Anything happening?

He's going to start fragging things.

with his... He's looking weird.

Yeah.

Look at that.

He's looking weird.

We need to construct some sort of bamboo cage for him.

He's going up Jacob's ladder.

He's taking his clothes off and he's covering himself in talcum powder.

And he's wearing a little grass skirt.

Little line cloth.

And you can just see his bits and bobs.

It's quite sexy.

Not really.

He's not doing that.

He's fine.

Listen, we were talking earlier about the fact that we had promised to record for a couple of listeners a special song wars, a wedding song, for them to dance to at their wedding.

Ben swears that this is the email from Robert Mercel that was sent on the 16th of September 2008.

That was a long time ago.

At 22.59.

Good old days.

Well, it was very different then.

Very different.

That sounds like the right one, doesn't it?

Yeah.

That's the right guy.

So we should do this, because they're getting married on Easter Sunday.

That means we've got to do it this week.

That's alright.

Yeah.

I think we should do something we've been planning to do for a while.

Collaborative one.

A collaborative one, yeah.

You do half the music, Adam.

So you do, say, a beat and a melody, if you want.

And you do half of the vocals.

So you set up some of the rhymes.

And then you send it to me midweek.

Or we could even actually play this on Easter Saturday, the Saturday before Easter.

So we could have two weeks to do it, couldn't we?

I think.

I can't count.

Are there enough weeks?

We'll figure it out.

Yeah.

And anyway, then you send that to me and I do the rhymes.

I complete your vocals and also add some more instruments.

Yeah.

OK.

And then how would people vote on that?

They wouldn't vote because it's a wedding and it's wrong for it to be competitive in any way.

Yeah.

It's about a coming together.

It's as if we're getting married as well.

It's a song amnesty, if you will.

And then finally making love.

Why did you have to push it that bit further into that dark area?

Just for fun.

What do you think about that idea?

I like that idea.

Let's do it.

Let's absolutely do it.

So there you go, Rob and Linda.

It's gonna happen.

But what if they get the song and it's the worst thing they've ever heard?

Well that's the thing, they have to dance to it.

They have to dance to it, exactly.

But what if they get it and it's just so grotesque?

They think, oh no.

Well then we'd be really angry and they'd be banned from listening to the program.

How are we gonna prove, we need a video from them that we can... I'm sure they'll

that we can post on the website.

People often have video cameras at their weddings.

That's true.

It's a dumb thing.

Yeah.

But if they don't dance to it, then they would be banned from listening to the BBC.

Absolutely.

And the only way to enforce that would be to have some sort of a security.

Because here's the thing.

They would not be safeguarding our trust.

Exactly.

We spend all our time safeguarding their trust, right?

Yes.

I mean, that's our main mission in life.

Written on the badges.

Written on the badges, on the back of your BBC pass.

Safeguarding trust!

So that's what it's all about for us.

We live and breathe the safeguarding of the trust.

We're frightening them.

And it's their wonderful day.

We should frighten them.

No, they shouldn't be frightened on their wedding day.

I thought you wanted them to be frightened.

You started threatening them and then I joined in.

Only if they don't dance to the song.

I was excited because you started threatening them and I thought, oh good, we're going to do some threatening.

But we don't want to make it sound as if we want them not to dance to the song.

We want them to dance to the song and it to be all lovely.

I threaten them too much.

So there's something to look forward to or not, Robert and Linda.

We're going to launch Text to Nation very shortly.

We like to do it early these days.

But first, we're going to play you a trail and then a bit more wonderful music, I think, from Silver Sun Pickups.

So here's the trail.

I mean, that's obviously really good music, obviously.

But the lyrics, they make no sense again.

I'll tell you a secret.

Let's make this perfectly clear.

There's no secrets this year.

Mm-hmm.

That's nonsense, isn't it?

Well, it's yeah, it's why is he singing it like that?

Really whispery and in that voice cuz there's a secret.

Is that how you say a secret?

That's how he said secrets His name is Brian Albert and he's described his new album is sounding like a nervous breakdown Yes, well it does That's a good reason for never listening

I mean, if you're, it sounds like a nervous breakdown, right?

It's very good.

I don't think a nervous breakdown would sound like that, I think.

No, but he does sound like he might have had one.

Right.

Or he might sound like, he sounds like he's trying to give himself one is what he's doing.

He's trying to give us one.

That's what he's doing.

He's doing a pretty good job.

What kind of a laugh is that?

I don't know.

I came up with it at the last minute.

I surprised myself.

It's weird.

It was very odd.

I apologise, listeners.

I'm really sorry to the members of the 9 o'clock club and Black Squadron.

I can't believe that you've got up this early.

For that.

And it'll never, ever happen again.

It's exciting, isn't it, Black Squadron?

This time next week, you're going to be listening to your new jingle.

and it's only going to be black squadron only exists from nine till nine thirty i think i was going to say it's nearly black time for black squadron to stand down absolutely to uh blend into the background in their camouflage for another week yeah to secrete themselves in the background of everyday life black squadron stand down it's nine thirty and time for the news

That's the wonder stuff.

Don't let me down, Jenny.

He wants to be dropped.

He wants to be thrown onto a hard surface.

And they've reformed, haven't they, the stuffies?

I think, and delighting people all over the country in the coming months.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

I think it's time for Text the Nation.

Let's launch it with the real jingle, but before we play any of our listener jingles that we have lined up for you later on in the show, fire it off, Ben.

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

So I got a letter, we got a letter this week, actually it was more of an email, wasn't it really, to be specific, and it is from Sandy, and she says, Dear Adam and Jo, As a regular listener to your show, I couldn't help noticing that you seem to have been struggling with your text-to-nation feature.

I am of course referring to last week's unfortunate debacle.

However, I have an idea that you might like to use.

Incidentally, she's talking about... What was it?

I can't even remember the subject.

It was audience participation and it was very good.

We had a lot of very good emails about it that we'll be reading in the podcast.

You know what?

The retro textination for last week's textination is probably going to be a lot better than the actual one.

Yes, exactly.

People have had time to think about it.

Right.

Anyway, she continues, I'm sure all your listeners remember how important it was to appear cool when they were struggling through those awkward adolescent years.

This was especially hard when you lived in a small Devon town, as I did.

In a desperate bid to appear cool for school at the age of 13, I started writing names of obscure bands on my school bag and then raising my eyes disparagingly when my friends had never heard of them.

I told them that I'd caught them playing live at a gig in London when I went to stay with my cousin in inverted commas.

I had in fact acquired the names by tuning in very briefly to a late night radio show that played only new hip music and staying long enough to jot down a couple of names before rushing back to the comfort of Wham!

and Duran Duran on my tape deck.

A year later when EastEnders made it cool to be from London.

Was there really a time when that happened?

Anyway, Sandy believes that there was.

She says, I adopted literally overnight a London accent and then insisted to anyone who questioned it that I'd always spoken that way.

Amazingly, they eventually accepted it as fact, even though I had known most of them since we were five.

So I thought, for your text the nation this week, you could ask listeners what embarrassing things they did at school to appear cool.

It doesn't necessarily have to be at school.

No, you could have done these things throughout your life.

But it's sort of things that you consciously tactically decide to do to improve your worth.

You know, your lot, your cool, your cred.

Thanks, Incidentally Sandy, for that.

She's sent us some hugs.

Ah, that's very nice.

Very nice.

Hugs back to you, Sandy.

Yes, things that you've deliberately done to appear cool.

Like two things occur to me.

There was someone we went to school with who one day decided to model himself on Christoph Lambert from the film Subway.

That's right.

Subway was out.

It was a very fashionable film.

Luke Bessel.

We were only little, but he decided to do his hair in that very particular way.

What, peroxide?

Yeah, peroxide and sort of a massive peroxide quiff.

Was that how it was?

It was very distinctive.

It was like a bog brush do.

Yeah.

Sticking right up there.

The thing was, one day he was a little nerdy boy.

The next day was Am.

He was a new creature.

That was his problem in a way, that that sort of thing needs to happen slowly, doesn't it?

It can't just suddenly, you can't just suddenly change like that.

The thing is that he sort of got away with it, didn't you think?

And he wore a long Mac as well.

He basically dressed exactly like Christoph Lombair in Subway.

Well, he had a good face, if I recall rightly.

We thought he was amazing.

You know, he really looked quite cool.

Yeah.

So much lady action.

So that's one thing you might do to be cool.

Like sit down at home and decide, right, I'm going to change my image and I'm going to change it instantly tomorrow morning.

But if that's not an option, what do you do?

You do little things.

Well, there are smaller things like I once went through a phase of trying to learn how to... Now, what's the phrase?

Expectorate.

You mean gob.

Yeah.

Spit.

Like footballers do.

Flob.

I thought, you know, I should really learn to flob.

Everyone's doing it.

Who had you seen flobbing?

Footballers.

I just thought it's something men, real men do.

You walk down and you know, so I thought maybe I'd try and do that.

I'm going to try and take up the most revolting

thing that I can possibly take.

I mean, that is the horrible thing in the world.

It's revolting and it was a bad idea.

It was very stupid, but it's a sort of hard thing to do.

Right.

You know what I mean?

I mean, in France, that's illegal, I think, isn't it?

It should be.

They've got signs saying... Anyway, of course, whenever I tried it, when I got a frog in my throat, a little bit of a lump of mucus.

Sorry, list as if you're eating or anything.

This is kind of disgusting.

But I tried to be like a footballer and it basically went all over my face.

Right, if you do it in the wind... All down my chin, and down my neck, and then what do you do?

Then you've got to start wiping, and... And it's all stringy, and it's not good.

So that went... I decided not to.

But you must have been getting excited... Is that the kind of thing you're talking about?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

So, actual conscious decisions to try and make yourself cooler.

Like, one thing I often try to do, but I stopped after a while, was try to do the very loud whistle that men do.

The wolf whistle.

You know, they stick to two fingers.

Men do.

Yeah.

Like a lot of men building men and stuff like that.

I wish we were men.

Stick two fingers.

I can't do it to this day.

How do they do it?

They stick a couple of fingers in their mouth and then they make an incredibly loud whistle.

That's it.

That's the noise.

That's what they do.

You can do it.

I just f**ked all over the mic.

Shout, oi darling, and make that noise.

Oi darling!

These are more things you do to try and be macho.

Yeah, would that be better?

This lady's could text us in things that they try and do to be more lady like because I'm sure they go wrong as well Yeah, sure.

It's all part of the same thing though.

It's all included in the Venn diagram of coolness, right?

Yes.

It's all part if you want to you know Trying to be the person you you want to be exactly you thought manly men were cool So you try to do a bit of flocking good.

Well, I tried to do some wolf wolf whistling

Yeah.

I still can't do it.

What's the secret?

What is the secret?

Can you?

I mean, you can't do that.

But Sandy had a good one there as well, pretending to like bands that you don't like.

Right.

So, was it a he or a she?

I think Sandy.

A man is a she.

Or a lady is a she.

Lady Sandy.

She was writing the names of bands.

She hadn't even listened to their music, really.

No.

She was writing them all over her textbooks.

I mean, that is craven behaviour.

That's outrageous.

So the text number, listeners, is 64046 for ways you've attempted to be cool.

And if they were disastrous, then that's extra good, isn't it?

The other thing I used to do was talk in an American accent.

Did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I was around about nine.

Really?

Because I thought, you know, all I used to do is watch American cartoons and American shows and stuff.

I thought, I wish I was American.

Whenever I met an American person, I just thought they were so cool.

And so I wanted to be cool like that and I would talk in American accent.

But I wouldn't do it stupid.

I really wanted people to think I was genuine.

I think you should do it in this show.

Genuine American.

And I still have a little bit of American accent sometimes.

You're cool.

I'm really cool, yeah.

Because I come from America.

I don't know if you've been there.

It's really cool.

I go surfing.

It's hot.

I got Bermuda shorts on and shades.

I'm from America.

Did you know that?

Yeah.

Would you like a Coke?

It's becoming clear.

What?

I got a Coke if you want it.

I'm from America.

Did you know?

I got Bermuda shorts on and flip-flops, it's hot.

It's really warm and I got shades.

Oh buddy, let me tell you about it.

You wanna coke?

That's kind of a bit too convincing.

It's a good accent.

Good, isn't it?

It wasn't that good when you were nine though, was it?

More or less.

Was it?

Yeah, I could pretty much pass for America.

I think you were cool.

Yeah.

Hey mom, I used to call her mom.

Mum.

Yeah.

Everyone else is calling their mum mum.

You're tuning out, aren't you?

No, it's good.

I'm listening.

I'm feeling a bit sleepy.

64046 is the text number for your entries to this week's amazing Text the Nation, which frankly is already a massive success.

And as if we needed to make it more amazing, when we come back to it later on in the show, we're going to play you a new listener jingle for this special feature.

But now it's time for great music and I love this song.

This is the new one from Dove's Kingdom of Rust.

Is it?

No, this is not new, is it?

It is new.

Yeah, it's out on Monday.

I get so confused.

This is Kingdom of Rust by Dove's.

Very nice.

Dove's have announced a special trip to the woods this summer.

Dove's fans when they will be appearing at the Delamere Forest in Cheshire as part of the Forestry Commission's annual series of concerts in spectacular woodland locations.

That sounds great.

Around the country.

Have you ever been to one of those woody concerts?

No, do you think it's a good idea?

I hope they protect the woodland.

Of course they would.

The protection of the woodland would be paramount.

There would be bins everywhere provided so there would be no littering.

It would be like, do you remember when we went to Fuji Rock Festival in Japan?

Yeah, but can the British people do that, like the Japanese people can do that?

Well, maybe not, but I'm sure they would.

When I say do that, I mean, be amazingly clean.

Yeah, exactly.

And respectful.

Exactly.

I mean, the Japanese people out there, they've got those little ashtray receptacles around their necks, so there's absolutely no question that you would smoke a dirty ciggy and then put it on the ground.

It's spotlessly clean everywhere.

It's wonderful.

Anyway, that's Dove's news for you.

So Joe, I was on my bike this week, right?

And I was paying attention to all the road signs and everything.

Cycling very responsibly this week.

And I was coming into London, stopped at lights, because I always loved to stop at lights.

And there were lots of cops holding up the traffic.

And I sort of thought, oh, hello.

Who's coming?

Hello.

What's all this?

I've got places to be.

What are you doing?

And then the courtesge started approaching all the black limos and stuff.

And I thought, oh, it's going to be some MP or whatever.

The Queen.

No.

The Q-Monster.

Now, she drives around in special cars, doesn't she?

Yeah.

Have unusually large windows.

Right.

Doesn't she?

Was she in a normal car or a special Queenie reveal?

It looked like a pretty much normal flash limo.

Was she visible through the window?

Easily visible.

I was as far away from her as I am from you now.

Queenie Queenie Queenie!

that mighty Q. I was so excited.

I was totally unprepared for how excited I was.

It was amazing.

That happened to me around the time that Fergie got married.

Right.

I was so cynical about Fergie's wedding.

Sure.

And then a friend said they could get me into their office on Whitehall.

And as soon as I got in the office in Whitehall and saw Fergie drive past Fergie fever.

I went crazy for Fergie.

I literally went, oh my god, I've got Fergie fever!

And just started going mad.

As soon as she'd gone, then the day was over, that was it.

Couldn't give a flying fig about Fergie or anything, she does.

But just for that day, Fergie fever!

Fergie!

I was so excited about The Queen, partly because I saw the film that she was in.

Yeah, she was good in that one.

She came across really well.

She looks a lot like Helen Mirren in it.

That's a little noise for your joke.

It didn't even deserve a proper honk.

Thanks very much.

Sorry.

They don't do like a...

Anyway, a little airborne toxic event.

Yeah, I released a new fragrance.

But no, you know, I was I was excited because of the film, but also just, you know, she's one of the most famous people in the world, of course.

Yes.

And she has a certain dignity about her.

I felt sorry for her as well.

There's such a tangle of emotions, you know.

to be someone who's so visible the whole time and to have everyone just staring at you.

Also, I felt sorry for the fact that no one else around me seemed visibly excited.

No one was waving, no one was smiling.

You know what I mean?

It was all like, the Queen, the Queen.

It was as if it was like a scene from The Queen 2.

Right.

The sequel to the film, The Queen.

Return of the Queen.

Yeah, where one of the problems is everyone's lost interest.

And in that scene, she drives through what area of London was she driving through?

I was near Liverpool Street Station.

Let me drive around Liverpool Street Station like I normally do and see whether the public acknowledge me.

Mum, I'm not sure that's a good idea.

No, I must do it.

Surely one peasant will wave at me?

Well, Mum, if you really want to, we can.

I see Adam Buxton's down there on his bike.

I know he's a big fan.

Did you wave?

Or did you go,

You know, I remained impassive, outwardly.

But I bet all the people around me, at least a few of them, must have been going through what I was going through, like being very excited, but too, you know, trying to maintain a cool exterior and not wanting to be outwardly excited.

Yes.

When's Prince Willy's going to get married?

That's what this country needs.

Nice royal wedding.

Big royal wedding.

Yeah.

Because everyone likes willows.

Yeah.

Force him into it.

That's what all the others do.

An arranged marriage.

Yeah, just force him into it.

They can get divorced in a few years, it's fine.

That's right.

Let's just have all the ceremony and pump.

I love pump.

I love a bit of pump.

I love being pumped.

I just pumped one out just then.

okay here's some more music and we what are we gonna do next we're gonna have a free play this is from uh this is some old school hippity hop and it's from big daddy kane do you know him bdk yeah he did a song for a film called uh the what was the film called i think the film was called lean on me it was a film about one of those films about a bad school

Where where a teacher comes in and sets everything straight to shelf dangerous mind style I never saw it, but this is the single he did for it That's really good and it's sort of instructional stuff to teach children how to behave So it's got some good advice in it for young people.

Excellent.

This is big daddy Kane with lean on me This is the voice of the big big castle It is the top of the hour.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and it's

Now, The Apprentice was on last week.

Big flagship, big British Castle production.

It got something like 8.1 million viewers, the largest number that the show has ever got.

It's funny that, isn't it?

The way when programmes feel really sort of as if they've gone to one series too many, or as if they've done everything they possibly can.

The viewing figures always peak.

Yes, of course.

Instead of falling away.

But that's brilliant news.

And I sat down very excited to watch it.

That's brilliant news, you say, after saying all that.

Only because I was slightly disappointed that they haven't changed it at all.

Yeah, but you don't want if you've got like, don't mess with a formula, right?

Well, obviously, I mean, when you've nailed something as much as they have, you've got sugar.

I mean, obviously, there's a chance that it's going to be a parody of itself after a while.

Yeah.

But it already sort of is though, isn't it?

Well, I guess they change the contestants and that's the only thing that has to change.

But I'm getting a little sort of, what's the word, intrigued about certain aspects of The Apprentice and I wonder whether anyone who's listening knows anybody who works on it who can answer some questions I've got.

Because the more you watch that show, the more... I kind of want to know how it's made.

They seem to be cutting away or not showing us certain things.

You know, to kind of make it not fit into the real world as we know it.

I've got some questions about The Apprentice.

I want to know how much the contestants are directed to take the ridiculous procedures seriously.

Like, to take Alan Sugar seriously.

Because the way he talks to you and the atmosphere in the boardroom, you've seen it in the past, right?

Sure.

When they go into that boardroom, it's ridiculous, isn't it?

Yeah, it's ludicrous.

It's absolutely ludicrous.

And they sit there as if it's the most frightening thing in the world, when, you know, it must be very difficult not to giggle.

Yes.

The human instinct in one of those really serious situations, like if a teacher flies off the handle at school, the human instinct is just to giggle out of nervousness and tension.

So presumably there must be a director in the room who tells them not to, who says, look,

We're filming the boardroom scene, so we need to get some shots of you waiting in the room outside, but don't talk to each other.

Don't look at each other, just stare and try and look as if it's the most amazingly frightening thing in the world.

I'm sure they do.

OK?

Then when we get in there, on no account, giggle in any way, make sure you take it very seriously.

Some of the things Alan says will be really stupid and absurd and you might get the feeling the whole thing's pathetic and Ridiculous, but repress that and take it really seriously.

Okay action.

Do they do that?

I'm sure but that's how TVs constructed in general isn't it?

Yeah, but you can almost feel it happening just outside of the frame, that's the problem.

And it doesn't take much to convince the participants as well because, you know, they know it's a big show, they know that it's a big exposure, so they can get into it.

Question number two, are the contestants instructed to think of an absurdly grandiose team name?

Right.

Now, we've talked about the team names before and how stupid they are.

Can you remember what are they this week?

Magnum Force and Thrust a lot.

Alpha Tron.

But surely the producer must say now it's time to film the bit when you think of your names.

Can we call ourselves Team Hopefully or something?

What would be a good name?

Team Johnson.

Team, but just by the name of the leader.

Yeah.

Yeah, Blue Team.

We just want to be called Blue Team.

No, you can't call yourselves Blue Team.

It's not stupid enough.

Call yourself something really grandiose and over the top.

They probably come up with a few names for them, do you think?

They give them a list.

Well, this is what I'm increasingly thinking.

The Margaret and the bloke, I forget what his name is.

He's just called the bloke.

Sorelland's henchmen.

Margaret and the bloke.

That's going to be the spinoff series.

She has a dossier.

You can see that they've got a dossier of information and contacts and stuff that they never really show you what's in it.

And I want to know what's in it.

My third question is, can they really go anywhere and do business with anybody?

Or do they in this dossier have a list of people who've already agreed to go on the show?

Yeah, of course.

But they show them looking through the yellow pages, literally randomly picking businesses.

I see, right.

But that's not how television works, is it?

No, it's not.

It's a fiction.

I mean, it's strange, isn't it?

In the current climate of accountability and transparency, it's amazing that these fictions are allowed to persist, but they would be rubbish if they didn't.

Or if they do, just randomly, like they had to clean cars in this week's episode.

So one of them went to Addison Lee, quite a big cab company that lots of media companies use.

They're famous for, if you get picked up for a TV show, it's always Addison Lee, isn't it?

Well, other minicaps companies are available, of course, but there they were washing cars for Addison Lee in a weird coincidence So presumably a researcher from the apprentice calls up the company and says Hello, you're about to be called by somebody from the apprentice They will have a ridiculous name and they will speak as if they're in some sort of toddlers fantasy business world We humor them

At no point mention the name of the program or that you're on telly treat them as if they're a real business person Okay, is that what happens?

Would you like it though if they actually if they included in the program things that punctured some of these?

Yes Yeah, well, I'd just like to see a really honest Show about the making of it right about actually how they go about making it Because that would make it seem a little bit less like the generation game.

Yeah

Either that, or swap Alan for Brucey.

And instead of doing business tasks, they have to make pots out of clay on wheels.

You know what I was thinking?

That's a nice idea by the way.

It is, isn't it?

I would watch it if they did that.

I met one of the guys.

Who was the guy from the last show?

What are you doing?

Well, through that, if I sounded a bit laboured with my brilliant apprentice discussion, it's because Adam spent the whole time foraging in his bag, going on his bloomin' iPhone.

No, because I... What are you doing?

That was very difficult to focus on.

Was I not being supportive?

No, not at all.

It was like you were texting a friend or something.

What are you doing?

I'm really sorry if that came across.

I was trying to find the name of the guy who I met who was in the last series.

What was his name, the guy who got into all the trouble about the chicken?

Oh yeah, I can't remember.

That's one of the weird things about these shows.

When the new series comes on, one's memory of the old series just completely evaporates.

I'm going to try and find it during the next song and we can try and give them a call.

Alright, let's talk about it properly in a way that you're engaged with during after the next song.

What is this?

It's all switching round.

Do your job.

Read the name of the song.

Alright, this is Frank Music.

This is better off as two.

Gomez with Airstream Driver, you're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Now, what Adam was doing during my brilliant Apprentice speech was trying to find the number of Michael Sophocles, who was a contestant in the previous series, who turns out Adam met at some... What was he?

At the Loaded Laughter Awards.

The Laughter's.

And Michael Sophocles gave Adam his number.

I don't know why he gave me his number.

He had no clue who I was.

Because he wanted to come on our radio programme and talk about behind the scenes at the Apprentice.

Yeah, he did say who are you and what's the point of you in so many words.

And I said, oh, you know, I'd do a radio show and stuff.

Maybe you could come on the radio show and he said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give you my number.

There you go.

So during that last record, Adam left a message on his phone, didn't you, Adam?

Yes.

Well, it rang and rang for a very long time.

And usually that means that the person is looking at it and going, who the heck is that?

Or he's asleep.

Or he's asleep, right.

Probably with a beautiful woman.

Or he's protesting with a beautiful woman.

Exactly.

Anyway, you know, if you know Michael, and maybe that's not even his number anymore.

He could have just given me the wrong number.

It didn't say.

Hello, this is Michael Safakles.

I'm eating a Halal chicken and I can't take your call right now.

So it could have been anyone.

But if you know Safakles, give him a shout.

Tell him to call us here on the show.

We haven't really got a number for him though that we can give out.

We can ask someone to text though.

You were talking, you were suggesting giving out, oh, our number.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought you were talking about giving out his number and getting the listeners all to call him.

And if you know him, go round his house, wake him up.

Just get Sophocles.

Get Sophocles.

That's not what we're saying.

No.

What we are saying is leave him alone.

Leave him alone.

If you know him, tell him to give us a call or text us, 64046.

We'd like to talk to him.

We'd like to talk to you.

We've got a couple of questions for you, Mr. Sophocles.

Okay, time for this jingle.

That's a listener-made jingle, in case you didn't notice.

Scott Smith sent that one in.

He sent us a couple, actually, both very good.

Thank you for that one, Scott.

Incidentally, thanks to everyone who's been sending us jingles.

Boy, some of you are quite, uh, quite, uh... What's the word?

Creative, yeah.

There are some brilliant ones.

There are some quite eccentric ones.

Yeah, but there are also some brilliant ones people have gone to amazing lengths Mmm, we've had like beautiful beautifully presented CDs with track listings and lyrics and stuff on them all sorts of amazing things and we're gonna be Plop plopping them into the show.

Yeah in the future surprise plops and we might try and put some on the website as well.

I think I

Yeah, I feel funny though, even though that was a brilliant jingle, it feels strange doing textination without the textination jingle.

Right, right, right.

That sort of sharp, synthy sound in my head.

It activates certain parts of my brain that have failed to be activated.

Let's bash it in anyway, Ben.

Textination, text, text, text, textination.

What if I don't want to?

Textination.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

There you go.

That's that's the bracing, synthy thinness.

That's the ticket.

That wakes me up.

Text the Nation this week is all about things you do to appear cool.

Yeah.

Or you've done in the past to appear cool.

Strategies for upping your cool ante.

We've heard about Joe's attempts at mastering the manly art of flogging.

Didn't go very well.

And I was talking about affecting an American accent to appear cool.

Here's a text from Dan in Bristol.

I'm not sure why but I thought watches were cool when I was young.

I'd be very eager to tell people the time so that I could reveal the three or four watches I was wearing in order to wow them.

Like bananas gorilla.

Dan thinks that multiple watch wearing is cool.

Do women like men with lots of watches?

Did you?

Have you met Graham?

He's so punctual.

Do you know how many watches he's got?

They go all the way up his arm.

They go right up his arm.

I love to take them off one by one.

You know what?

He's got an ankle watch.

He ticks in special places.

You wouldn't imagine where he talks.

He... what?

I know what he means.

Watches are cool.

And I remember the feeling that I got when I got my first digital watch.

I used to wear my sleeve very high.

You know, I used to let it ride high on my arm.

Rolling up your sleeves is something you can do to appear cool.

just day to day, just around the place.

Look, I've done it now.

I'm more business-like, aren't I?

Ready for action.

Yeah, I can plunge that arm all the way up to the elbow into anything.

If you needed to deliver a sheep or something.

Right, straight in there.

Exactly.

Bang.

Can't talk.

Straight in there.

Here's one from... Straight in there, mate.

Tired in there, mate.

Here's one from Marie in East Dulwich.

Whenever my mum or dad left the car parked in the supermarket, I used to stay in the car and move on to the driver's seat, twirling the keys in my hand, hoping people from school would pass by and think the car was mine.

I was 13.

That's good.

Wow, she's 13, but she's allowed to drive and she owns the car.

And that would be illegal, though, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Presumably it wasn't a very cool car, though.

I mean, it'd be like a family car.

We don't really know.

Unless her dad drove a Porsche or something.

Aidan in Balimina says, in order to impress my crew in the mid-80s, I autographed all of my LPs on behalf of the artiste.

Initially, the ploy worked, but when I liberally scribbled to Aidan from Larry the Edge, Adam and Bono, keep it real.

The game was up.

Not cool at all.

Well, that's an insane plan.

Keep it real.

That's exactly what they'd write.

Here's one from Casper.

We always get brilliant males from Casper.

He's a regular, isn't he?

Is he?

Okay, I'm sure he is.

Dear Adam and Joe, while never actually adopting any long-term strategies to appear cool, preferring rather to blend into the background,

I remember once telling my whole class in primary school that being half Polish as I am, I was a child star in a Polish film about a little chimney sweep.

It seemed fairly safe, as I didn't think anyone would go to the effort of verifying it.

That's a good strategy.

Yeah.

Who would verify that?

Who would disbelieve that?

You know, there's a certain type of lie that's sort of so elaborate and pathetic.

It's like conjuring, really.

Well, in the olden days as well, pre-internet.

When you say it's like conjuring, because often when you find out how magicians do tricks, it's just the most laborious, pathetic technique in the world.

Exactly.

And the reason you don't think of it is because you think, what?

They went to all that trouble to do that?

Yeah.

That's how a lot of magic works.

It's the same with elaborate lies.

Exactly.

Well, he wouldn't lie that he was in a film about a chimney sweep.

I mean, that would be really utterly depressing.

I mean, he'd just be an idiot toll.

Absolutely.

Idiot toll.

So you believe it, but really, he is an idiot toll.

That's the special deep secret.

Imagine, though, if he went on in later life and actually was in a film about a little child chimney.

Yes.

You know, I'd like to write that script, though.

That sounds like a fun film.

Yeah.

Have you seen the film about the little child, the Polish little child chimney?

Well, would it be like the red balloon?

Would it be like no dialogue and really meaningful?

Yes.

It's very moving.

There'd be another world up the chimney, wouldn't there?

Stars that guy, you know, the idiot hole.

Casper.

It's Casper from London.

He's half Polish.

Thanks for that, Casper.

You know, I remember pretending my mum is Chilean and I remember thinking that it was so cool that I felt like I was mixed race.

Right.

I'm mixed race because that was the coolest thing as far as I was concerned.

Wouldn't it be great?

Yeah, I'm mixed race.

Yeah, yeah.

My mum's Chilean.

It is still quite cool.

I'm a little bit jealous.

Yeah, sure.

Because I'm so exotic.

Here's another one from Joanna Coates.

At school, during my A-level art, I suddenly realized a few things about society.

I was just a product of capitalist society.

I wanted my friends to realize where we all were.

So I got a white T-shirt from H&M and stenciled the word product on it in big letters.

and join the manic street preachers.

These are good.

Keep them coming in.

We're going to play a little bit of music right now.

This is a free play.

And, Joe, did you know that the clocks are going forward tonight?

Yeah, someone was texted in saying that's probably why we played that Jesus Jones song at the top of the show that was all about today's tomorrow and time zones.

Now that was the Jack Piñata one.

Oh, I'm sorry, the Jack Piñata one that maybe the person who puts the playlist together was giving us a little prompt there to talk about time zone changes.

There you go.

Hourless in bed tomorrow morning.

A frightful, unlistenable, cacophonous musical kick.

British summertime.

And it's a joke though, isn't it?

Because it is by no means summer out there.

However, to make you feel a little more as if you are sipping a cocktail by a barmy beach.

Is that right?

On a barmy day by a beach.

Here is Frank Sinatra with Summer Wind.

Nice to have you along.

I was Frank Sinatra with Summer Wind.

You're listening to Adam and Joe on the Smoothie Station.

Playing smooth music all the smoothie time.

Make yourself a smoothie and sit back and relax.

I was hoping you would jump in.

No, I was so lulled into a comfortable area.

Mmm, smooth.

Clean your sheets.

And put them on the dryer.

Actually, don't use the dryer, because that's bad for the planet.

But hang the sheets out and let the summer wind dry them for you.

Mmm, smooth.

Ooh, really?

Why not?

Why not shave your legs?

And then feel the smooth skin of your newly shaved legs, even if you're a man.

Mmm, smooth.

Sit back.

Delicious.

Smoothie time.

Oh, dear.

You should go on Smooth FM.

That's where I'll end up, isn't it?

You should.

I say end up probably in about a year when we get fired for saying something dreadful.

We'll end up on Smooth FM.

If we're lucky, if Smooth FM will have us.

So listen, Joe, you know I joined Twitter last week.

Yes.

Right.

I haven't actually checked what the... Have you been on it during the week?

Yeah, I did, I did, but I got massive Twitter anxiety.

Right.

I want to know if anyone else has got this.

I got quite deeply depressed after I joined Twitter for about two days.

Why?

And felt, I don't know, I felt like, why am I doing this?

Why do I need to present another sort of public face under the facade of saying, oh yeah, this is just a kind of blokey thing, I'm just chatting to people.

I'm not.

I'm doing another thing that draws attention to me and goes, look at the interesting things I'm saying.

I'm crazy.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't think that's why everyone does Twitter necessarily.

I wouldn't want to tar everybody with the same brush.

Well, after we talked about it on the programme last week, I was listening to some other radio stations that I do purely to survey the competition, and everyone was talking about Twitter.

Every single DJ was giving you their Twitter as if everyone was going to be interested in the minutiae of their daily life.

Yeah.

I mean, my opening gambit on Twitter, apart from doing a great deal of talking about just Twittering and asking people how to do it.

People were very nice and supportive and gave me helpful tips and stuff like that.

But my opening gambit was a little in-character riff about Gran Torino, right?

I thought, I'm gonna tweet as if I'm Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, and I'm a racist man, and it's Sunday morning, and I'm going to get the papers and do a little humorous riff in character.

You see, the funny voice probably wouldn't come across in writing.

No.

And then I signed off the little in-character riff with something a bit fruity, a bit saucy.

Right.

Is this the kind of thing you can... Can you tell us what you actually wrote or is it not?

No, no, I can't.

It's unbroadcastable.

You can tell me during the news.

Yeah.

And then almost immediately I got a message from a friend of ours who is a regular tweeter, and he just said, delete that last post, or you'll regret it, more or less like that.

So I just got completely rattled.

And this was a friend that we both admire and respect.

So I thought, I'm not going to say who it was, but I thought, OK, I better do their bidding.

So I immediately just deleted it like a spineless loon.

And then I got loads of tweets from people saying, why did you delete your tweets?

You're not supposed to delete tweets.

Don't censor yourself.

And I just thought, I don't know.

I don't know what I can do.

It sounds terrifying.

And then I spent the rest of the day sort of thinking, what else am I going to tweet?

I haven't got anything else to tweet.

You just tweet.

The idea is to do really mundane stuff, isn't it?

Yeah, but you look at other people's tweets.

Just went to the loo.

Right.

Might go to the loo again.

But that's not good enough.

Isn't it?

No, come on.

Everyone else gets away with it.

No, other people tweet funny stuff.

Do they?

You look at Peter Serafinovich and stuff and other people in Graham Linna who you mentioned, they're tweeting like links and thoughts and they're getting involved with petitions and it's all heavy stuff.

Matt Lucas is on there.

He's trying to galvanize all his followers into helping him lose some weight and he's got some diet ideas and all this kind of stuff.

And I'm like, I don't know.

Well, it sounds like you need a sense of purpose.

Right.

You need a campaign or something, you know, to give people a reason to follow you.

Sure.

Maybe you should lose some weight.

Yeah, well, maybe I should, but then that made me anxious.

I was looking at Matt and I was thinking, yeah, he's doing something positive with his tweeting.

I could do with losing a bit of wear.

I could do with getting fit and help getting people to help me do that.

I just thought, I can't deal with it.

It's too much, you know, I should be making these decisions for myself, not getting people on tweet box to

Help me do them, you're right.

Well listen, this is important stuff and we'll continue talking about it after this slightly less important stuff in the news.

There we go, that's Morrissey.

And what was that one called there, Ben?

It was called Something Is Squeezing My Skull, and it's his new single, it's out on April the 27th, taken from the new album Years of Refusal, which was released in February.

That's exciting, isn't it?

Now, listeners, you might sense a slight absence in the studio, because Adam's gone to the loo, and he's mistimed his return, and he's just simply not here.

Is he locked out?

Ben's gonna try and let him in.

Charlotte's gonna go and let him in.

It's alarming stuff.

It's one of the problems of working with a slightly simple-minded man.

Let's have another record while we try and release him.

This is a free play, and this is dedicated to anybody who's on their way or planning to... Are you all right?

I'm sorry, man.

I got trapped outside the thing.

You handled that very badly.

I know.

I'm really trying.

I've just said some secret things about you to the listeners.

you say I'm not gonna tell you it's just gonna make you unsettled I've told them one or two facts about you that you probably didn't want them to know that has unsettled me I was already unsettled and now I'm really I was just a

introducing my free play.

I've got to say I got on fine there without you.

It was fine.

Absolutely fine.

I was ready to do the next hour and a half.

Smooth.

It really was.

Was it?

Yeah.

Well I heard just before I nipped off to the lavi I heard Ben queuing up your free play and I heard you going oh this is good music what's this?

Ben would say, this is your free place.

We actually hear what it is.

Is this your protest song?

Yeah, this is the protest song.

I was saying, I was thinking, I should play a protest song on Saturday because it's the big day of protest.

It's going to be very violent.

It's probably very violent already.

Let's hope not.

So I was thinking through all the great protest songs, Marvin Gaye, What's Going On, a bit of Dylan, what are the other great protest songs?

Public Enemy with Fight the Power.

Yeah.

There's some amazing stuff, but I thought I'd choose a John Farnham track.

Right.

You're The Voice.

Do you know this one?

No, I don't.

It's extremely uplifting and invigorating, and they use it in the film Hot Rod.

Have you seen that film?

No, what's Hot Rod?

Hot Rod is brilliant.

It's really funny.

It's Andy Sandberg, the lazy Sunday guy.

Oh, the Lonely Island guy.

Yeah, it's really good.

Hot Rod, very unappreciated little comedy film.

And there's a scene in that film where something's going on and suddenly this track kicks in.

And even though it doesn't have much to do with the scene, they all start getting really proud and belligerent and start marching down the street, picking up dustbins and throwing them through shop windows just because of this record.

And of course that's terrible and protesters shouldn't do that.

It's important that all protest is peaceful.

Absolutely.

Right.

but it's also very important to have the right to protest and how beautifully articulated it is.

It is here by John Farnham.

Here we go.

There we go.

What about that for a rousing bit of music?

Yeah, that song.

I know that song, yeah.

Yeah.

That is very rousing.

It is.

If you played that during the protest this afternoon, there would be trouble because everyone would get overexcited.

They'd start getting overly physical.

Whipped up.

Whereas let's fingers crossed it's going to be a beautiful and peaceful demonstration of the right to protest.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And the cops, you know, in the end, the cops and the protesters will be holding hands.

They'll be swapping numbers and tweeting with each other.

Let's hope so.

That's the way it should go.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music, and we have a trail coming up for you right now.

This is a hub trail.

Who will be playing in the hub?

Guess, Joe.

Guess.

Just guess who you've got.

Oh, John Farnham.

John Farnham will be doing an unplugged version of The Voice in the Hub.

If only that were true.

Let's find out what the reality is.

Good effort.

Well done.

That's Q-tip with breathe and stop.

This is Adam and Jay.

Yeah.

He was playing in London the other week.

Oh, yeah.

Was it two Sundays ago or one Sunday ago?

I never went.

I wanted to go, but I never went.

The Tipler.

I bet that was a good gig.

There's another really exciting gig coming up for me.

For the Corn Plaster, ABC.

The band ABC.

Yeah, I like them.

They're playing Lexicon of Love in full.

Uh, at the Royal Albert Hall, introduced by Trevor Horn.

Wow.

Orchestrated by Anne Dudley.

Hey, amazing.

Uh, and everyone's going to be there.

I mean, that's going to be incredible, isn't it?

I've managed to wangle myself seats for that.

I've got the date of it somewhere.

Where is it?

I wrote it down.

That is going to be amazing.

There's not going to be amazing.

I'm not jealous of that.

A bit of Stevenage there, surely.

Oh, that would be good.

But at the same time, I'm going to be so, um, I'm obsessed with that album.

The Lexicon of Love.

Yeah, I am.

I know every single word.

That's your Sargent Pepper, isn't it?

That's my pepper.

Yeah.

So I'm going to be in another place at that gig.

Imagine.

That's going to be fantastic.

I had all the dates and stuff.

It's in, it's in early April, but you can find them later on.

I'll find them later on.

But for ABC fans, that's going to be an amazing day.

No, it's absolutely Brillo Pants.

I missed magazine when they reformed, and they're playing like Benny Kassim in Spain and stuff like that, doing some festivals, but I really want to see them, because apparently they were amazing.

You love magazine, don't you?

I love magazine.

You just out-cooled me there.

Howard Devoto magazine.

I go all silly on my ABC thing, and then you pull out magazine out of the box.

That's all.

I'm not claiming that one is cooler than the other.

It's all good stuff, isn't it?

It is all.

That's true.

Horses for courses.

Have you thought about that?

I just have a sort of stupid horse in a Gold Blimey suit with a big over-the-top orchestra and you've got like a cool horse smoking a fag in a leather jacket with a little synthesizer going... The light falls out.

You and your haughty horses.

All right, let's catch up with Texanation right now.

Texanation, Tex, Tex, Tex, Texanation.

What if I don't want to?

Texanation.

It doesn't matter, text.

as they contracted textination jingle that causes some people to get very upset.

Does it?

Sometimes people say, oh you know, I'm trying to get into a bit of grooving with the textination jingle, suddenly it gets contracted and my grooving gets curtailed.

But that's what happens, you know, we're trying to maintain, we're trying to keep things moving here.

Trying to maintain.

Yeah.

Finally, welcome to the modern world.

I'm from the street.

I don't know if you knew.

Don't try and play me.

That's what Alan Sugar started saying in The Apprentice.

Don't play me.

I can play you, but don't you try and play me.

He was suddenly talking like Jay-Z.

Right.

What's going on with that program?

The player will not be played.

Yeah, that's a good impression, almost as bad as mine.

Thank you very much.

With Alan Sugar.

Text the Nation this week is all about, what is it about?

Things you do to try and be cool.

Yeah.

Efforts you make to change your social status.

Yeah, I mean, particularly from your childhood, I suppose, which is the time when most people are worried about that kind of thing most.

Ben from Stoke Newington.

When I was 13, I think due to my combined love of Michael Jackson and hair metal like Motley Crue, I took to wearing, to school, a single leather studded fingerless glove on my left hand.

I bought it on a school trip to Germany.

It would come from Germany, wouldn't it?

Where such things are considered unironically cool.

Do you think that would impress you if I turned up next week in a single, studded glove?

By no means.

The thing is, it's the way you would turn up and not mention it, right?

Yeah.

You wouldn't go, hey, everyone, I've got the glove!

I'm cool!

You would just slip into the room with the glove.

Yeah.

Let everybody else go, look at this glove!

Look at this studded, it's on its left hand!

That's what would happen, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm trying to think about that.

And then someone would come up to you and go, eh, why are you wearing that glove, you idiot hole?

That's what always happens is you go into school and you're wearing your new thing.

Maybe you've drawn patterns on your hand or I don't know, you've got like coke ring pulls up your nose or something.

And then some guy like one of the coolies comes past and goes... Nice job, Holotron.

Holotron.

That's a little riff on Idiot Hole.

This is from Liam.

I used to carry a harmonica around in the top pocket of my denim jacket, though I could never play it.

What's going on there?

It's classic man.

That's very funny.

A harmonica is the sort of instrument a prisoner plays or a lonely man with profound problems.

Yeah, a hobo man.

Can anyone play the harmonica?

I mean, is it an instrument that's played a machine?

Is it an instrument that's played?

What kind of question is that?

Of course it's played.

Is it?

I mean, obviously, Stevie Wonder does it.

The point I'm trying to make is even when Stevie Wonder does it, like he's the greatest, it still sounds vaguely as if he's just sort of randomly wheezing into it.

Right, right.

Do you know what I mean?

No, there is an art.

There's good and bad harmonica players.

I'm just trying to support Liam there.

Yeah, fair enough.

And his theory of just carrying it is enough.

Oh, I see.

Yes, because it's such a 90.

Can you play the harmonica?

I can go.

Like that.

My point, precisely.

Yeah, no, I can't really.

I'd love to be able to.

Yeah, I've got a couple.

I thought when I played it that I was really good at it.

Yeah, because you can cup it the way they do.

Yeah, it's quite easy to be quite good at it.

All that stuff.

We should get some harmonica action on a song wars.

Can we get a harmonica solo?

Oh, man.

Wouldn't that be excruciating?

On the wedding song.

On the wedding song?

Oh.

How about it?

That's dangerous.

I'm going to write that down.

That's dangerous ground you're on there.

OK, with Stephen Seagal.

Yeah an amazing Stevie Wonder style harmonica solo.

It's gonna be a difficult wedding Here's another one from will in Oxford despite being quite good at it I gave up chess when going to secondary school for fear of ridicule and to be cooler Now that's an interesting approach.

Oh things that you've given up just gave up chess.

I don't play chess anymore No, no chess for me.

Well, I'm not some kind of idiot hole.

I don't play chess

Is that a good tactic?

That's like deciding just not to do work at school because you think oh people who work are fools Of course, I'm just gonna tune out of the work.

I'm gonna be a rebel I'm gonna be the guy that gets D's Goes to prison for a bit, but I'll be cool It's a common thing where you get you get brainiacs doing that all the time because they don't want to be like what they hit adolescence

and decide working is uncool.

Exactly.

And they just go, I don't want to be the goody-goody.

I don't want to be the guy who knows all the answers.

That's not cool.

I'm just going to flunk.

Here's something that definitely is cool.

Jason in Beeston with two cats.

He says, Hi, guys, when I was 10, I made stick-on circuit boards that I stuck to my arm and leg, just like the six million dollar man.

Like a robot.

As far as I know, the six million dollar man circuit boards were not actually stuck to his arm.

Yeah, but when he got himself cut,

Yeah.

They would poke through.

You could see them, and if you bought the little six million dollar man figurine... He had see-through bits.

He had see-through bits, and also you could roll back his arm, like he had a little bit of latex on his arm that you could roll back and look at his circuits.

He was ten when he did that?

That's quite old, isn't it?

Ten.

10 that's too old to know what the response was from other 10 year old imagine a short shot punch to the center of the face and I totally know where he's coming from though because that was the ultimate thing to think that you were

to convince people that you were some kind of cyborg one of the most simple ways to try and be cool in that way was to instead of running with clenched fists we've talked about this before but you you you realize that instead of running with clenched fists if you ran with your uh hands held out the palms out like blades super blades it might make you more aerodynamic yeah

He's going so fast.

Yeah, we did talk about this before.

It's a dream line.

I know, and I admitted before as well that I once pretty much successfully convinced a friend of mine when I was about seven or eight that parts of my body were removable after an accident that I'd suffered and I was now not exactly bionic,

But I certainly had removable robot parts that I could show them and they were, I'm not going to tell you which parts they were, but it was pretty embarrassing.

Keep them coming in, please.

Your attempts, your strategies for being cooler in society, either now or when you were younger, the text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

I went there.

It was good.

Speaking of Stevie Wonder and harmonicas, is there any harmonica in Past Time Paradise?

I'm not sure there is.

Just give it a listen.

Because it's mainly late period wonder where he gets his harmonica out.

And this is classic 70s wonder.

Here's Stevie with Past Time Paradise.

Oh, nice gong.

Steven!

That's Stevie Wonder with Pastime Paradise.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC 6 Music.

Do you listeners and Adam Buxton, do you ever get people socially saying that you look like somebody famous?

Yeah, sure.

You might be sitting watching telly or something and someone will go, oh, there's that guy that looks just like you.

Yeah.

That happens to me with an actor on the bill.

There's a policeman on the bill with quite a pointy nose that apparently looks very like me.

I can't see it.

And I think this is one of the recurring things about this kind of conversation, that the person who you accuse of looking like this famous person can't see it themselves.

Well, other people identify in you something that they're... Yeah.

And then if they say that to you, you usually go, what?

I look like that person from the bill, and then I become obsessed with looking at that person from the bill and considering his face and mine, and you know, you get into a weird sort of metaphysical, internal musing about what you really look like.

Yes, and what you mean to people as well, because it's more than just the look of that.

Something else from the guy in the bill is saying Joe Cornish to people.

And but you've had a nice one today.

I have had a nice one somebody emailed in and said that I look like now It's a football man Fernando Torres.

Yeah, and I was excited Because I went on the internet and he's a good-looking man.

He is good.

I mean, he's got a proper ripply nipples and everything Yeah, like they have like you like proper men do yeah who work out and stuff.

That's right.

Ripley nipples honestly.

Ripnips.

And so that's very flattering.

He's got blonde hair.

I might dye my hair blonde.

So that's good news isn't it?

I'm gonna call you Ripnips from now on.

Ripnips.

Who do people say that you look like well?

You know Tom Cruise they don't say no they don't they say you look like Brian blessed I Say you look like Brian, but it's very much.

I mean that's just so we're looking like Brian blessed Well, he's got a big beard.

He's a big fat old man with a beard.

He's a talented actor But come on who do people say you look like?

I don't get it very often because I'm sort of short and weird.

Oh, that's true.

One of the gladiators.

Gladiators.

Yeah, I think... Wolf.

Is it Wolf?

No, Wolf was the sort of mean one.

Homunculus.

That's what I look like.

But no, you know, I think people struggle to find someone flattering to compare me to, so... It is.

There is a gladiator that people often email in and mention that looks a bit like you.

Yeah, yeah.

Hunkertroid.

I think that's his name.

Buckulon.

The thing is, Buckulon.

They don't have space names, do they?

They should have space names.

It would be more exciting.

They could do a space version of it.

Hosted by the hamster.

Yes.

With a jet pack.

That's obligatory these days.

Hey, we got asked to go on Celebrity Wipe.

What's that show called that the Hammond hosts on a Saturday evening?

Oh.

The British version of Te Gea's Castle.

Wipe out.

Gunt tank thing.

Tumble down.

Did we really?

Phone balls.

Did you get that through your agent?

Wipe out.

Is it called wipe out?

Yeah.

Oh, did only I get asked to go?

I'm like Fernando Torres.

I'm the more... I've got more physical prowess.

Yes, ask the handsome one.

Don't ask him unconscious.

Just the one that looks exactly like Torres.

The world's sexiest footballer.

Are you going to go on?

No.

Of course not.

Why would you?

I did think about it though.

Did you?

Yeah, because I bet you I could hop across those balls.

Better than they do.

They always get the technique wrong.

Right.

They don't anticipate how bouncy they are.

Go on, Ripnips.

You should go on.

I am not wearing one of those stupid suits and going on that program.

It would be so humiliating.

Oh, he doesn't look like Fernando Torres.

He looks more like, I tell you what I do look like, is that animal in Return of the Jedi.

Salacious Crump.

Someone who's very skinny but is developing a bit of a pot belly.

Do you know what I mean?

You're better looking than Salacious Crump.

Oh thanks.

Like Jabba.

No, you're like a dancing lady with the big fat tentacles on her head.

Thank you.

She's sexy.

Yeah.

It would be nice if when people emailed us, they told us what famous person they look like.

Right.

Then it would be as if the program was listened to purely by famous people.

Yeah, paint a little picture in our eyes.

That would be more exciting.

Because famous people are brilliant.

They're brilliant, aren't they?

They're the best of all the people.

Well, they're interesting.

They're very interesting.

They've got amazing, interesting lives.

They do.

And they're sexy, and they smell good.

That's right.

They're very clean.

They're very successful.

That's what I like about them.

Yeah, they're successful.

They've got lots of money.

Yeah, they've succeeded.

And they could buy you things.

They've sorted all out.

Get into all the clubs and premiers.

Also, they're going to be remembered.

Exactly.

Not like the rest of us.

No.

I mean, what's the point?

What's the point for us?

For people who aren't famous.

For people like us, what the heck is the point?

Here's the point, ladies and gentlemen, it's White Lies with Farewell to the Fairground.

You look very pleased that you thought of that.

I just turned to Adam and he looked really pleased.

A big smile on his face.

His eyes had lit up on my hairy round face.

Is that it?

I'm at the beginning of my tether.

I'm going to say it one more time.

Absolutely the beginning of my tether.

Listen man, I had an amazing week.

Guess what I got?

What?

I got completely free, an eye test.

Oh, right.

And 500 nectar points.

No.

Yeah.

Totally free.

How?

Were they giving them away in the supermarket?

They sent them to me.

The email, they got my email address.

I don't know.

Maybe I gave it to them.

Did you have the eye test?

Party or something.

I haven't had it yet.

I'm looking forward to it.

I'm going to go and have it.

You know what?

I need an eye test.

Really?

Because I'm getting a little bit doddery.

Is this it?

For the link.

the eye test that you haven't had yet.

What are we, are we like less than 15 seconds into the eye test?

I'm not totally doing it.

When it's just that you haven't had the eye test.

But you haven't had the eye test.

From Admiral Cornballs.

Not yet, but there's all kind of other things that we could have chatted about.

Eye test related.

Right.

Could have chatted about my eyesight.

Eye tests in general, not that good.

Now that you ask, it's getting a bit worse.

Yeah.

Nectar points.

What are we supposed to do with nectar points?

All kinds of things you could get out of nectar points.

Do you collect them?

Yeah, I do actually.

Yeah, well, there you go.

They're very tiny though.

Have you?

They're not very generous with those nectar points.

It takes years to build up enough.

Well, I've been collecting them for about six or seven years.

We should stress that other supermarkets... Other award schemes are available.

Yeah, booty points.

Smithy nuggets Johnny points Johnny points all the shops have them.

Yeah.

Everyone's got points I'm just talking about one particular kind of points.

Well, I've been building them up for about six or seven years, right?

Right and what you haven't cashed them in six or seven and every time I go and do my shopping the lady says whoa

You've got a lot of points.

I'm sure you don't want to cash them in.

And I'm always like, no, I'm going to save my points.

I'm the king of points.

I take it back.

This is a good story.

Right.

But then the other day, I go into the supermarket and the woman shakes her head and goes, you've got a lot of points on here.

And I was like, yeah, I'm the king of saving points.

She said, no, no, no.

They start to go after a while.

What?

How can that be right?

They just fall off?

They start removing the points?

Or you reach a point ceiling?

That can't be right, can it?

You're probably threatening Sainsbury's financial situation.

Right.

Because if I get enough points, I could just do a hostile takeover.

Just buy the company.

Oh, you've got enough to own Sainsbury's.

Can I go early for lunch?

Could you like to start running the nine elm store?

Yes, please I'd like it painted a different color for a start and large cardboard cutouts of myself over there and don't stock any more Jimmy car books.

Thank you very much That's what I do improvement.

I'm joking.

Obviously.

I'd like more Jimmy car books, but

I was very worried by that.

That can't be the case, can it?

Well, what's the thinking?

What's the logic?

The logic is to stop prats like me just sitting on their points and I don't know.

They start to go.

They start to tail off.

They've only got a finite life.

I didn't quite understand.

She said, yeah, after a while they start to... How many have you got?

Oh, I wouldn't want to say on air because... Oh, please.

It's like saying your bank balance, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

I mean, it's... How many tens of thousands?

Yeah, yeah.

Really?

Seriously?

Seriously.

Hundreds of thousands.

I really don't want to say on air because... Hundreds and thousands.

Listen, if people knew how many points I had, then they're going to start mugging me for my card and stuff, right?

For your Nectar card.

Yeah, sure.

Well, now they are anyway, because we know it's a huge number.

A lot.

A huge number.

I mean, it's absolutely huge.

I get a comment every single time I go... Really?

Yeah.

Wow!

Sometimes, one time the woman called over and this is true to the next person.

Look how many points he's got!

Wow.

Yeah.

Women love men with lots of next to points.

Sure.

But here's the thing, the other day I looked online to see what I could get with my points.

I could get more or less like a DVD player.

Oh, that's about it.

Really?

So you haven't got that many.

Well, no, I have got a lot, but you need a lot to get all the cash value stuff.

They do have cash value.

I could do a massive shop on them, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, I could organise a party.

Maybe that's what I should do.

One day we should have a party for some listeners and stuff.

Purely paid for by your... We should call them a generic name.

Supermarket loyalty points.

A point party.

Yeah, a point party.

That's a really good idea.

Yeah.

I'm busy.

Are you not going to the Point Party?

I'm busy.

I'm going away.

Going on a torpedo mission.

Yeah, I've got a military.

I've been called up by the army for some underwater action.

Right, what are we doing now?

Oh, this is my free play, right.

And this is a lovely bit of XTC.

I love XTC, they're a great band.

And, oh yeah, this is a great track.

So I was trying to remember which one I actually selected.

You know, I've changed my mind about the Point Party.

Why?

I'd just like to be there.

I think it'd be a good party.

Oh, you're coming?

Yeah, I might come.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

And when is it?

I don't know.

How are we going to organise it?

We need to invite guests.

We'll talk to Ben.

There's all sorts of listeners to the Point Party.

There's all sorts of British Castle logistical hoops that we'd have to jump through to organise the Point Party, but let's do it, man.

Yeah?

Are we all behind this?

Ben?

Let's do it with the camp and crawl.

Ben's looking at a bit... Oh, yeah!

Well, that's true.

We're going to be at the... We don't know the details, but six music is involved in the Camden crawl.

We're going to be doing our show from there, is that right?

We don't know the details yet, but you could bring loads of bags full of goodies.

Yeah.

And distribute them to the crowd.

At the point party.

Yeah.

Okay, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Here's XTC with 10 feet tall.

Enjoy.

That was the Beatles with their cover of the Suggs tune, I'm Only Sleeping.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

And we are going to return now to the exciting world of Text the Nation.

Text the Nation.

Text, text, text, Text the Nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation.

It doesn't matter.

Text.

And we have asked people to email us or text us about things they did, or are still doing even, in order to appear cool to other people.

I've got a message here from Jim, and Jim says, Hi Adam and Joe, when I was at primary school, I used to tell everyone in my class that Rolf Harris was my grandad.

I could draw quite well, so this served to back my story up.

On wet lunch times, I would sit and draw the Rolferoo, and people started asking me to teach them how to draw it.

I was cool, because I could draw the Rolferoo better than anyone else, because Rolf Harris was my grandad.

I also promised a lot of people at school that I possessed the technology to make them a hoverboard.

I took lots of orders but alas, never made any hoverboards.

P.S.

Oh yes, okay.

This is Jim who sent us some amazing drawings that he's done.

He's really good.

This guy's called Jim Stoughton.

You can check out his website.

He's a brilliant illustrator.

Thank you very much indeed for your message there, Jim.

Here's one from Johnny White.

One summer, when I was about 10 or 11, I wanted to be a hippie.

So I painted a big flower on the back of one of those green army jackets.

Later that same summer, I decided to be a punk, which I achieved just by painting over the flower with black paint and writing destroy in big letters.

Oddly enough, within weeks, literally, I was wearing a sprayed gold VW sign on a big chain around my neck.

That's pretty good, from hippie to punk to hip-hopper in one summer.

Who's this person?

The many changing moods of Johnny White.

Is Johnny White the most shallow person in the world?

Yeah.

Johnny White.

That's great that he admits to it.

I also, in the last year of primary school, did a drawing which on one side said rock and had a cool guy playing an electric guitar and on the other side said corporate rock and had an uncool guy playing an acoustic guitar.

Doesn't really make sense.

I also once pretended to speak in tongues to impress a girl.

I used to quote whole Lenny Henry routines as if they were my own jokes.

That's Johnny White.

There's a lot coming out from Johnny White.

I've never heard anyone speaking any time.

There would be a very hardcore Christian girl who would find that impressive.

Like Papa Lazarou.

Yeah.

Some women find that attractive.

Do they?

Yeah.

Yeah, one, yeah.

Yes, greetings from Singapore says, who's this from David?

He says, when I was about 13 and possibly the uncoolest boy in the world, I decided to take radical action.

It seemed to me that the quickest way to get in with the in-crowd was to get a reputation for being a fighter.

Of course, I had no intention of actually fighting anyone, because it seemed quite dangerous.

The solution, therefore, was to tell people I'd been in a really serious fight.

To avoid the risk of being accused of being a liar, I decided I needed some evidence, so naturally I decided to give myself a black eye.

I got my mum's rolling pin, went up to my bedroom, and spent the best part of two hours whacking myself in the eye.

goodness.

Is that true?

With no bruising appearing, it seemed I'd have to give myself a bit more welly, but it was quite a hard thing to do.

Every time I tried to hit myself hard, my survival instincts would kick in and I'd pull back from delivering the blow with full power.

Eventually, I had some mild discolouration around my eye.

The next day it's called No One Notice.

I mean, that's terrible, isn't it?

Self-harm is a very serious thing, of course.

You don't want to encourage any form of it.

You could have done that with a bit of burnt cork or boot polish.

Surely.

Imagine getting busted.

He was going the whole hog.

He wanted to do it for real and stuff.

I mean, that's an impressive degree of insanity, but insanity nevertheless.

I remember one time I ran through some brambles when I was playing catch at school.

Catch, chase, I don't know what I was doing, but I got a couple of parallel nicks above my eye, like just by my eyebrow, little parallel scratches.

And Adam and the ants were in the charts at the time and I looked a tiny bit like I was in Adam and the ants and I had some kind of tribal marking on my face.

But, you know, it wasn't just painted on, it was real as if I was in a real kind of tribe, you know, like I was a warrior.

And when the scar started to fade, I got depressed because people, a lot of people had been commenting on how cool the scar was.

So I tried to freshen it up and give it a little scrape there.

I remember getting on nail and stuff and just dug in there a little bit.

Nail.

Yeah.

It was terrible.

That's not to be encouraged.

No, by no means.

That's self-harm.

I think it went bad after a while.

What, you mean it got infected?

I think it got a little infected.

Weren't you happy about that?

No, I was upset because A, it was painful and B, it didn't look nearly as cool.

Here's one from Nick, aka Slice Monkey.

Hi.

I used to stand at the bottom of escalators pulling the handrail as if it was me causing the stairs to descend rather than a complex and powerful set of motors.

I know that feeling, yeah.

It doesn't say how old he was or she.

I guess it's a he.

The Slice Monkey.

Yeah.

I don't think a girl would call herself the Slice Monkey.

You never know.

Women are above that kind of thing, I'm glad to say.

This is from Andy, uh, dash milky beans, who says, Hi Adam and Joe.

When I was a young cool cat, I used to cycle to school and to impress the ladies would cycle past them without holding the handlebars.

It was cool until my trousers got caught in the chain and I fell off in front of some of the ultra cool kids.

I'm still filled with melancholy to this day.

That's another unit of basic cool currency for kids.

Aside from running with flat palms to make yourself more streamlined, to be able to cycle without holding the handlebars.

I never achieved it.

I could do one.

and I used to flaunt that very flamboyantly just by putting one hand in my pocket and then just steering with the other one.

My mum and dad thought it was very dangerous but of course I thought it was cool.

Could you cycle with no handlebars?

I couldn't until I got a certain type of bike.

With some bikes it's easier.

The bigger the bike the easier it is because it's all balanced out.

I used to do it by tightening the nut on the handlebars but then of course I couldn't turn corners.

Can't steer properly.

What an idiot.

Well, you know what?

I still do that, though.

I still sometimes, you know, make a show of putting my gloves on.

And obviously, I'm not holding the handlebars while I'm doing that, but I'm still cycling.

And I do think I'm quite cool.

And people probably think like, look at him, he's the best cyclist in the world.

He's not even thinking about it, he's just putting his gloves on there, he doesn't need hands for anything.

Oh man, look, we've gone way past the news slot here, not way past, but it's just gone 11.30 here on BBC 6 Music, and it is time for the...

That was True Romance by Golden Silver.

Oh, I thought you were saying it was a track by True Romance.

No, unfortunately not.

When are we going to play Eye Eye Eye Moosey?

They were modern romance.

True Romance was a film by Tony Scott.

When are we going to play Eye Eye Eye Moosey?

Next week it sounds like.

Absolutely wicked.

Now we had some lovely jingles sent in to us during the week by some of our listeners

And a reminder that we asked people a few weeks back.

We suggested that people sent in jingles, you know, because we like our jingles on this show.

Jingle jingles.

And we were inundated with jingles, so apologies if we haven't played yours.

They were all very good enough, a very impressive standard.

That's the tactic, though.

We're going to drip feed them.

Yeah, exactly.

And keep people tuned to the show in that way, in a manipulative manner.

Yeah, but then if we never played it, they would be absolutely furious.

They'd feel short changed.

They'd come after us.

They'd nick my neck points.

Yeah, but not for a while.

Let's have... Who done this one?

Who done this one?

Who, who, who, who, who done this one?

It's on that bit of progress, Jamie.

Oh.

This one?

This one, is it?

Communicating your thoughts.

Let's hear it first, and then while it's playing, you can point to the piece of paper.

What is it?

Bye!

That's brilliant!

Wow, I really dig the ones where people have sampled bits of the show or existing jingles and done wicked things with them.

That was really good.

That was good, wasn't it?

You've got skills, Johnny Remmler.

Very nice.

I mean, the thing is that it was so... Hang on a second.

They were made by my brother Cecil in Boston.

Well done Cecil in Boston.

That was great.

I wonder how he constructed those.

Anyway, very impressive.

It's not enough people called Cecil anymore.

No, that's true.

It's a good name, isn't it?

It's a very good name.

It's coming back.

Cecil.

I would call my child Cecil.

Have another one just to call the child Cecil.

Maybe I will.

I'm going to get started.

I will.

I'm going to get started this weekend.

Buy one with your nectar points.

I probably could.

I've easily got enough.

Madonna does it.

A ridiculous woman.

Don't you know how old she is?

Buying babies like they're some sort of product.

Is this another one of your conversations that you have at dinner parties?

No, yes.

If anyone ever invited me to a dinner party, that's what I'd say.

That's probably one of the reasons they don't.

Good evening, I'm Joe Cornish.

I've got three topics of conversation tonight.

The wire, how good it is, Madonna, how she should stop buying babies, and conversation three, what is it?

Ben's worried about us talking about Madonna and her adoptions.

Yeah, that's, you know, it's absolutely fine.

That's all right, we're off the hook.

Good.

We're not implying anything bad about it, she's a wonderful woman.

Now listen, you're not a vegetarian, are you Adam?

No, no, I like to eat meat.

I have seen some shocking examples of shellfish torture on television.

Really?

And it's really freaked me out.

Do you know there's that show where that man Monty Hall goes and lives on an island?

He's trying to become a crofter.

It doesn't look like you've seen it.

No.

It's a show where this man, he's a professional diver, but he's decided to go and try and live like a crofter would on the Scottish coast.

Is this on terrestrial or did you?

Yeah, this is on the BBC.

Is it?

Yeah, it's a very popular and important programme.

The listeners all know what I'm talking about.

Monty Hall doing his crofting.

He was catching crayfish.

And he got these crayfish out of the sea and he had what looked like one of those crates that you would store glasses if you rented some glasses for a function.

Oh yes.

You know with a sort of crisscross of card holding.

Partitions.

He was putting these crayfish, they've got very long arms with snappy bits on the end.

Certainly.

He was holding their arms in the air and he was putting them in these little holes in this crate so they couldn't move.

And it seemed very uncomfortable for the crayfish.

And inhumane, he didn't give a toot.

Well, they're funny, aren't they?

He was chatting away, popping the crayfish into these horrible little cells, alive, and chatting away as if it was just a fun devil-may-care lifestyle program.

I have not finished.

I'm so sorry.

Then I saw more selfish torture.

And come dine with me.

Channel 4 someone was do you know that program sure someone was cooking crabs, right?

They got these live crabs, and he stuffed them in the freezer alive Yeah, well whilst casually chit-chatting about his stupid dinner party so within a week that was two bits of horrific Shellfish torture have you never seen what they do to crabs at fancy restaurants and lobsters really eat crabs

It freaks me out.

Well, you're right.

I mean, I've always felt that... Why is it that shellfish, there seems to be just, it seems to be all right for you to do whatever you want to a shellfish.

Now a fish, they're kind of asking for it because they're shaped like clubs.

They're shaped like swimming handles, aren't they?

You want to bash them.

Well, at least you get it over with really fast.

This is terrible for vegetarians and it's awful, you know.

Especially for the fish community as well.

The worst off are the fish.

They're going to find it very... All the fish listening are going to think, this is sick.

This is the reason I hate the BBC.

They're going to be thinking.

But you're absolutely right.

People take great care of fish.

If you're a fisherman and you're not going to cook and eat the fish, if you are, you will put an end to its life as quickly as possible.

If you're not, you have to throw it back into the river.

Why are you allowed to do these horrible things to crayfish and crabs and shellfish?

And why is it being broadcast on the telly?

I know.

Well, it's a grey area, isn't it?

Well, it shouldn't be.

No, but I agree with you.

I agree.

I always thought it was a bit weird when they used to get, you know, you'd have the tanks of lobsters in fancy restaurants sometimes, and you'd be able to point at the lobster that you wanted to destroy.

You know what I mean?

Like usually in fish tanks, you admire the fish.

Oh, beautiful fish and they're in a little fun environment there and it's nice to see them.

And obviously it would be nice for them if they were in the freedom of the sea, but still they're swimming around in their own little environment.

But then suddenly you've got a lobster in there.

I want to kill that one over there.

And then the chef will pluck them out and plunge them live into boiling water.

It's miserable.

You know what my girlfriend said when I talked to her about this?

She said that it's because they're so armoured, they're sort of asking for it.

Hmm that was her take they look as if they can protect themselves.

They've got those massive nippers Yeah, exactly.

So so it's almost as if they should be able to defend themselves Yeah, but that doesn't make sense.

No, that's flawed logic because they're much weaker.

I'm gonna put her in a tiny little crate

Pop her in the freezer.

See what she thinks about that.

Clunge her into boiling water.

I'm not going to do that.

You shouldn't.

I'm not even going to say that.

No.

Why would you?

Let's go test.

Say something about Madonna.

She's great.

Don't.

Yes.

There you go.

Brilliant.

She's absolutely brilliant.

She's a wonderful, sensitive woman.

She's right to do all the things she's doing.

Yeah.

Is that cool, Ben?

Are we off the hook now?

Jolly good.

Hope so.

Right.

It's time for a little Kerris Matthews-based trail.

Here it is.

Lovely Kerris.

There's a reason we played that, isn't there?

Isn't she sitting in for a six-music DJ?

There was a trail about it.

She's sitting in for Nimone.

There you go.

On Monday from 1pm.

Aw, it's a shame that we're not going to cross over with her.

We could hang, because we met her years ago, didn't we?

Yeah, we could hang with her.

We're close personal friends.

All sorts of chit-chat, flirting would happen.

No, there'd be no flirting.

It's all above board now.

We're in this show, yeah.

No, we're not going to be sleazy anymore.

Right?

Speak for yourself.

Mr. Ripnips.

Yeah, exactly when you're a fit professional footballer like I am.

When your nipples are so rippled.

When you've got your nippy rippies.

People can't help flirting with you.

The birds are all over you.

Did you catch what's it called the getaway last night with bald women?

I saw a little bit of it.

I forgot it was so saucy.

It's awful.

It's not awful.

It is awful.

I tuned in.

This is a film starring Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger.

She was shooting a gun in the most fetishistic way possible.

Oh, it's reprehensible.

And then they started talking to each other about how sexy the gun was.

And then Michael Masdon.

turned up.

What's his name?

Madsen.

Turned up with the stupidest looking hair I've ever seen.

I know, it's a crazy way.

On the most ridiculous bike.

Yeah.

And then I just seem very 90s.

It is.

Very post-terrentino and quite dated.

Oh, it's dated.

No?

I thought it was a... This is based on having two minutes of it.

I thought it was an enjoyable romp.

I mean, it's got some bad... Everything's an enjoyable romp to you.

That's partly true.

Is that such a thing as an unenjoyable romp?

Yeah, yeah, there's a low-quality romp.

Right.

I would imagine.

Keep talking though, why was it good?

It was really good because... Well, partly because... The original's very good.

Yeah, it is good.

But no, it was good.

I mean, there were some bits that are kind of sick and disgusting and weird and you sort of, as you say, bits of reprehensible fetishistic violence.

But on the other hand, I was really buying the sexy tension between Baldwin and Bastion.

Well, they were a couple at the time.

Of course they were.

Yeah, they were having real sexy times.

That's right.

And you get to see them having sexy times in the film in really a fairly shockingly explicit way, I thought.

Shocking.

In a way that would have been cut out on the TV years ago, but they don't really censor films in that way on television.

No, anything goes.

Anything goes.

Hooray!

So I got back from doing a gig last night and it was great.

And I hadn't eaten supper, so I was very hungry.

And I had myself a fish finger sandwich.

Ooh, yum.

And I hadn't had a fish finger sandwich for ages.

And it absolutely hit the spot, turned on the TV, thinking, oh, there's going to be nothing to watch.

The getaway was on.

Yes.

saucy fun with Baldwin and Bassinger in their prime, fish finger sandwich, I'm in heaven.

Yep.

Oh my God.

What a night.

I tell you what I did.

What did you do?

After I watched the getaway, I thought, wow, Alec Baldwin, he's got really doughy and fat.

Oh, what?

On 30 Rock.

Right.

He's brilliant on 30 Rock, but he's really put on a lot of weight.

Yeah, yeah.

Hasn't he?

Well, exactly.

That's what I was thinking.

I was thinking, wow, look at how fit and handsome he was then, and look how less fit and handsome he is now.

So I IMDBed his date of birth and figured out how old he was when he made that film, and how old I was, and started thinking about whether I would be as huge and doughy as him in 10 years.

So it turns out he's 10 years older than me.

Right.

Well, the answer is yes.

That's something to look forward to.

Passage time, mate, innit?

But he's brilliant in 30 Rock, isn't he?

Yeah, he's great.

Yeah, he's a good actor, yeah.

Listen, I was talking about ABC playing the lexicon of love at the Royal Albert Hall, and the date of that concert is Wednesday, the 8th of April.

And that's going to be amazing, introduced by Trevor Horn, conducted by Anne Dudley.

I'm very excited about that.

Very excited.

I'm going to be there.

Excellent.

Here's a free play.

This is from King Creosote's new album, which is due out on April the 20th.

It's called Flicking the V's, and we got sent this last week.

And I've been playing it non-stop this week.

And this is my favourite track from it so far.

It's called No Way She Exists.

That's King Creosote with No Way She Exists from his forthcoming album, Flick the V's, which features contributions from Steve Mason from the Beta Band.

Oh, fantastic.

Yeah, that is a very good album.

I've been listening to it for a week.

And it is wicked.

Hey, folks, that's it.

Can't believe it seems to have gone very fast this week.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Thanks to everyone who's texted and emailed in.

We're sorry if we didn't read yours out, but blame Charlotte.

who is our assistant, who was the person who didn't hand or select your message.

You can't do team bullying, you'll end up like a... Stop bullying, I'm just saying blame Charlotte.

No, Charlotte's brilliant.

She chose the very best ones and she's excited about being mentioned on the show.

You're in trouble now.

You're going to get all kinds of repercussions from that.

Thank you so much.

Don't forget to tune in for the podcast.

It'll be available to download on Monday evening or Tuesday morning.

Thanks, Michael Sophocles for phoning back.

Not stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

We'll see you next week.

Take care.

Bye.