The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (21 March 2009)

Blimey, that was Yeah Yeah Yes with Zero.

And this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It's a beautiful morning here in the centre of London Town.

It's been a beautiful week, hasn't it?

It has.

What a sensational week it's been if I was in charge of the government.

I would have declared a national emergency.

Just a national week off.

Right, a bunk off, national bunk off.

Yeah, emergency bunk off.

Because everyone's been quite depressed in the country, have you noticed?

What, of course.

Gloom and doom.

Absolute gloom and doom.

Thanks very much for all the miserable new predictions about the way the global warming's going.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks very much, Gordon Brown.

But then suddenly the sun comes out, and God, or whoever created the world, giant squid, made it all lovely to remind us of the inherent beauty of nature.

It's as if God is trying to destabilise capitalism and turn the world into a sort of, you know, non-monetised organic bartering economy.

And I'm quite in favour of that.

As a project?

Yeah, he's going, look, just collapse the banks, collapse all the major conglomerations, and let's go back to an agrarian ideal.

Right.

Yeah, the, the... Are you sure he's getting quite deep for earlier?

Has he thought it all through completely?

He hasn't, no.

No.

But he doesn't work logically, he just works on instinct.

And so what's his theory behind the global warming thing as well?

Just get rid of us.

Right.

Yeah.

Not floating communities.

Oh, you think he might want it to be a floaty world?

Yeah, he wants it to be.

Like Waterworld.

Like Waterworld, but he loves... He does.

Maybe God's a big fan of Waterworld.

He loves Waterworld with Kevin

I love Waterworld.

You know a film I really liked that was underrated when it came out, but I always like it when it's on TV.

It's Waterworld with Kevin Costner.

And you know the other one he's done, The Postman.

I like that less, but it's got some good bits.

That's what he's like.

That could be the key.

This is pure conjecture, by the way.

Yeah.

Oh, you never know.

There might be some sermons about it tomorrow morning for churchgoers.

Reckon, big revelations.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's disrespectful, though, isn't it, to religious people?

Yeah, exactly.

So apologies for that.

Um, and, uh, yeah.

What, what, what?

It's your fault.

Is it?

This waffling.

Welcome to the show, listeners.

We're here with you until noon.

We've got all sorts of things coming up.

Notice I'm not saying that they're exciting.

Well, no, they are exciting because we've got like a jingle avalanche, right?

Yeah.

We asked you to make us some jingles, and we've been inundated with the most brilliant jingles, so we'll be playing some of them to you later in the show.

They'll be peppered throughout the show, perhaps.

We'll be discussing some of them, analysing some of them, and using others just as real jingles to introduce some of our features on the show.

So, that is exciting.

Also, we've got great music for you listeners.

Have you been through the playlists this morning, Joe?

No, I'm going to do that during the next record.

It's a good-looking playlist and here's just a taste of the kind of delight you can expect.

This is Supergrass with Caught by the Fuzz.

Caught by the Fuzz, that's Supergrass.

Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Now, it's my free play coming up shortly, Joe.

I'm very excited about that.

And we could, in fact, unveil one of our new jingles.

Well, one of my favourite ones is to do with free plays.

Right.

Shall we save it for a bit later on?

Because it's right at the top of the show.

Should we save it?

No one's listening.

No, exactly.

Nobody's listening.

Because it's very early.

It's only ten past nine, isn't it?

Apart from the elite.

It's the elite listeners at this time in the morning, isn't it?

Yes.

Black Squadron.

Black Squadron, they're called.

Are they?

Yeah, they're the elite.

Really?

They're the shadow warriors.

Elites are always dressed in black.

It's true.

You know?

Yeah.

Because they don't want to be seen.

They like to creep around.

I love them.

They're amazing.

And Six Music Black Squadron will be up right now, listening.

Yeah.

And they'll... Maybe they deserve it.

Something special.

They'll be creeping around.

Making tea.

No one will be able to see them making tea.

They're so stealthy.

They move like shadows early in the morning.

Exactly.

They'll have a bath.

They'll slip into the bath.

No one will even realize they've run the bath.

because they've run it so stealthily during the night just not even dripping but just snaking the water snaking down the side of the bath they can go into a room while someone else is asleep in it black squadron yeah and get fully dressed easily without disturbing the other person easily they know where all the creaky floorboards are they can get into the bed

And the person won't even know, right?

Because they'll just slide right into the bed there, into the sheets.

Bad Dobby, naughty Dobby.

So this is, okay, so for Black Squadron, shall we play the new jingle then?

Yeah, you know the one we mean, Geoff?

There is only one Freeplay one, isn't there actually, I think.

Okay, here it is.

That's good, I like that.

I mean, that's pretty demented stuff as well.

We like demented.

Good bit of fuzziness on it as well.

It's nice and it... And she's by Jeff.

We've got to have the names of these people.

By Tom.

Tom, yeah.

But he's got his lady friend in there as well.

Unless Tom just sounds like a lady.

Could be a sample.

It sounds nice though.

He's got a little chuckle from the lady in there.

Yeah, yeah.

So let me tell you about my free play right now.

Thank you very much, Tom, incidentally for that jingle.

It's wonderful.

I've got a frog in my throat.

You never cover when I've got frogs in my throat.

No, it's nice.

People like to hear it.

Yeah, but as soon as I say I've got a frog in my throat, that should be your cue.

Wham!

You leap in and you say, you know an interesting thing?

And then you start talking about a thing, right?

Right.

While I move my chair back and I get rid of this frog.

It's not gonna happen.

It's never gonna happen.

It's never ever gonna happen on this show.

Sorry.

So listen, I've dealt with it anyway.

My Free Play is a song that I transferred from an old cassette.

And that's a different type of aural aesthetic that we haven't talked about that much in the show.

We were talking about vinyl, how nice vinyl sounds.

You transferred and handed it.

Exactly.

It's not actually by transferred and handed.

It's by Robert Fripp featuring the voice of Daryl Hall.

But I transferred and handed it.

It's from an album called Network.

I'm not sure if you can get Network.

on CD, but it's a really weird album.

Do you remember that we used to listen to it at school every now and again, and it's got like a David Byrne song on there.

He's got a collaboration with David Byrne, which is pretty wild.

I'll play that one day as well.

And a very lovely one from Daryl Hall, which I'm going to play soon called North Star.

But tapes, you know, they've got their own sound as well.

Like, there's a fuzziness... Is this recorded off a tape?

Yeah, there's a kind of warm... People talk about the warmth of vinyl, but there's a warmth and a fuzziness about cassette tape that I quite like as well, don't you think?

Well, I've never really paid attention to it, so this will be interesting.

What I associate with tapes is playing at the wrong speed, getting slightly stressed or stretched, and then the fuzziness

Sort of, uh, you know, just a sort of, uh, trash sound.

Yeah, when Muck builds up on the playheads.

Didn't people- I used to be obsessed with cleaning my playheads.

Exactly, right.

What would you use?

When you were a certain age, you would become aware of the presence of playhead cleaners.

You had them for VCR players as well.

I don't think they ever worked.

Did they?

Well, did you ever- Or were they just a piece of long cloth?

Yeah, I mean, you could get in there with a cotton bud.

Did you ever do that?

No.

Ooh.

One time, I got really adventurous and I removed the front of the tape machine, you know, the loading door, whatever you want to call it, and got in there with a cotton bud, and I dipped it in some vodka.

Yeah, that's good.

I thought, this is going to work, because I'd heard that people use alcohol to clean things, and I jumped in there with a cotton bud and some vodka and started rubbing away at the top of the playhead.

Probably destroyed it.

But for a moment, for about 10 minutes afterwards, it sounded wicked.

Amazingly clear.

It's a shame you can't do that with modern technology.

I might take my computer apart when I get home and give it a scrub.

That's right.

With a bucket of warm water and some detergent.

Because you start off all reverential thinking, I do not want to destroy the playheads on this.

I'm only going to use 100% ethanol and a little bit of a cotton bud and I'm going to use gloves and laboratory conditions.

And then a couple of weeks later you're just using your sleeve.

You know, when you just reach in there, give it a rub with your, gob on your sleeve and rub it.

And then it sounds better.

Give it a little rub it.

Give it a little rub.

Look, I've got some rubbets.

Dad, look, can I, for Christmas, can I get a rub it?

A rub it.

Here's North Star, transferred, transferred in Anded.

This is Darryl Hall singing with Robert Fripp doing the stylings.

And it's nice and mellow for like a Saturday morning.

Hope you enjoy it.

That's Velvet with the Big Pink.

No, the other way around, that's the Big Pink with Velvet.

Sorry.

I'm really sorry about that.

And this is Lamo's new favourite band of the week.

You know, talking of Lamo, we were just in the holding area before we came into the show and the office.

Adam, you popped something into the bin, didn't you?

Well, my bag fell on the bin.

The bin tipped over.

The bin was top-heavy.

The little waste paper bin tipped over.

And the bin sort of...

Uh, leaked some revolting fluid.

Well, a can flopped out of the bin.

Turned out the can was half full of cider.

It was particularly revolved.

There's something about seeing that kind of thing in the morning.

Yeah.

That's really horrible.

It was as if the bin was doing a little bit of sick.

And very rapidly.

Or wetting itself on the floor.

Exactly.

After a hard night.

And we all just stared at it, slightly revolted.

Evacuating its bin bounce.

And then Jeff, the producer said, I know who that is.

And it's, it's llama.

That's lamb mohood lamb.

Left a half-drunk can of cider in the bin.

He's probably still here somewhere.

Under a desk.

Leave that there for the morning.

Pop it in a bin.

He's so committed to his... It'll be there in the morning if I need it.

lifestyle but that was Lamo's favorite that is Lamo's favorite new band of the week uh yeah the big pink the big side pink i don't think anybody touch it because it's like half half full i still need it we're gonna leave it there

We should get drunk in the morning.

Is it wrong?

It's not wrong.

It's legal, isn't it?

Let's bring some cider in.

It is legal.

It's frowned upon.

Yeah, it would be bad to encourage listeners.

It would be very bad to encourage listeners.

To get drunk in the morning.

It's fine in France.

But not in Britain.

That's right.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

I say that as if I know what's happening next.

That's just a thing we say, isn't it, when you've got nothing?

Yeah, to fill in.

Translation, I've got nothing.

My brain's completely empty.

I've got nothing.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Nothing.

I've got absolutely nothing for you.

Well, we've always got some music.

Yeah, that's true.

We've got Gary Numenoid.

So we have some of them?

Yeah, this is classic Numenoid.

This is... I remember being in a little bar in France with my parents.

I think we went to Brittany or something.

And we went out one evening for a pizza or something, and they had a jukebox in the corner.

And this song had just come out.

Le Bois de juc?

Oui, le juc bois.

It is full of jute.

And so I went over to the jukebox and I was checking it out and they had this song and everything else on the jukebox was pretty boring and unrecognizable.

But I stuck this one on and the whole place was electrified in every conceivable sense of the word.

And all the French people, all the peasants were staring at us and going, what is this sound you have put on the juke?

I've never heard this kind of thing before.

Were they really though?

Yeah.

Yeah, they definitely were.

And even my parents looked at me like, Adam, this is shockingly new.

This sounds like a fantasy sequence from a film.

I swear to you, this is how I remember it.

This is true.

I'm not saying this is exactly what happened, but this is exactly how I remember it.

And everyone was looking at me like, this is too revolutionary.

No, this music is blowing our minds.

And it did sound shockingly new.

Can you imagine being in, there was 1981 or 82?

You're amazing.

Yeah.

In a way, I was more of a pioneer than Gary Newman was.

Wow.

It's a privilege to be broadcasting with you.

It is, actually.

Here's Gary Newman with cars.

Gary Newman with cars.

We've got the news coming up very shortly, in a matter of seconds, and it strikes me that that music would actually be a good theme for the news.

You know what I mean?

Here is the news.

That kind of thing.

Well, let's see whether playing it before the news affects the tone and the level of VIP in the news speakers voice.

Nicely said, man.

News speakers voice?

Yeah, very good.

In the announcer's voice, don't you think?

Yeah.

The announcer's voice, yeah.

The news reader.

What's she or he called?

Oh, now you've put me on the spot.

I'm not exactly sure who's reading the news.

It could be Nicki Cardwell.

I think they'll be a slightly robotic

I think it'll be read slightly like this.

Hello?

You know, it could be any number of very talented users that we have here.

Now, whoever he or she is, they're gonna be listening to this thinking, no, I'm not gonna do a robot voice, but I bet you it'll creep in.

They can't because, you know, the news is a serious business.

Yeah, but still, it's gonna be a tiny bit of a robot voice.

If there isn't a voice, they'll be doing the actions.

Alright.

Listen.

Let's find out.

Here's the news.

What, does he want four walls and a doggy slatch?

Yes, that's exactly what he wants.

Or a doggy sledge.

No, a doggy slatch.

A doggy slatch?

Yeah, the problem is he doesn't know what a doggy slatch is.

No.

So he can't even figure out which shop to go to.

I mean, four walls, that's fair enough.

I can provide him with four walls.

Yeah.

But I don't know where to start with a doggy slatch.

Doggy slatch.

Where would I go?

I mean, is that Amazon I need to go to?

Probably.

Just Google slatch.

Could you Google doggy slatch?

D-O-W-G-Y-S-L-A-T-C-H.

Hold your horses.

Here we go, doggy slatch.

I bet you I get... Has it spelled?

S-L-A-T-H.

No, S-L-A-T-C-H.

Yeah, slatch, doggy slatch.

Mmm, can't read that out.

Or that.

Is it sexy?

Mmm, I don't know, it's confusing.

I mean it has to have to do with saliva.

Oh yeah.

It could be what he's after though, something filthy.

Yeah.

I mean, it sounds innocuous, doesn't it?

Doggy slatch.

Don't know what that could be.

We'll keep thinking about it.

Animal Collective.

There you go, anyway.

I hope you enjoyed that.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Now, I got an email.

One of the emails that we were forwarded this week was from Gary.

He says, hi, Adam and Joe.

Is this you or is this fake you?

He says, referring to a Twitter account which is called Adam and Joe.

A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-

Neither of us are on Twitter, at least we weren't last week, but Adam's just announced during that record that he's had a go at Twitter.

Well, I thought I should get in there, you know, but my name's been taken already.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, that's annoying, isn't it?

Your name's been taken as well.

Has it?

Yeah.

And Gary says in his email, if it is you, I can't help noticing that you aren't very active on the tweet front.

Unlike your stablemate, John Holmes, who tweets at www.twitter.com forward slash John Holmes One.

So he's obviously had the same problem.

He's had to call himself John Holmes One because someone else has nicked the name John Holmes.

Did you start tweeting and then get bored of it, or are you just lazy tweeters?

No, that wasn't us, Gary.

The thing about Twitter and tweeting, or whatever it's called, is for me having to endure the conversations of people asking you whether you do it.

Don't you find that there's a kind of a conversation that everyone in the country is having?

And it happens every couple of months.

It used to be about the wire.

People used to go, have you seen the wire?

And pretty much the same five or six sentences would be trotted out about The Wire by 50% of the population.

I've been one of those people myself.

It's confusing at first, but after the third or fourth episode, oh, it just pulls you in.

The characters are so brilliant.

They're never what you expect them to be.

I mean, they really subvert, cliche the stereotypes.

It's all true, incidentally.

It's such a brilliant intermingling of, you know, politics and street level politics, that kind of thing.

Go on, more.

This is all true.

It is all true.

Well, that's the annoying thing.

You say, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Oh, it's brilliant.

And then you go, well, what season should I start with?

Oh, start with season one.

You have to start with season one.

But season four is the best.

Or is it three that's the best?

I've never seen The Wire, but I know which the best season is.

So all you do is sit there getting annoyed by these conversations, rather than thinking, you know, maybe I should watch The Wire.

Every now and then you join in.

Yeah.

But it's hard to find the time with those box set things.

Of course.

And equally with Twitter, that seems to be the thing with Twitter.

Everyone asks you whether you've done Twitter.

And I've kind of gleaned by osmosis what it is.

It seems to be to do with amazingly trivial commentary on what you're doing today.

You're limited to 160 characters per tweet.

So it's like the Facebook update string.

And the stuff I've heard about Twitter is Jonathan Ross Twittering about how he's about to go to Thought Park.

Stephen Fry being stuck in a lift.

Yeah.

At the moment, it's not selling me on the on the advantages of Twitter.

No, exactly.

But it is one of those things.

I mean, you mentioned the wire conversation, of course, that's the that's the classic one of those things.

And at a certain point, I decided to give in and just give it a try because all the people that were that's the thing, these the reason people are talking about these things

is usually because they're good.

Because they're pretty good.

And sure enough, the wire is absolutely brills.

But I know it is annoying when you get trapped in that conversation, you hear the same thing over and over again, and then you find yourself on the other side trying to convert other people, and you have to give them loads of caveats.

The depressing thing is when it begins, and you know exactly what they're going to say, and you know exactly what you're supposed to say and reply to what they're saying, and you also know that another 50 million people are having exactly the same exchange.

And it just seems like a waste of energy.

All I do now, what I do is I lend my wire box sets out to people.

So they're always on loan.

Rather than having the conversation, I just turn up with my arm full of box sets and say, right, there you go.

And then we don't have to have a conversation.

Yeah.

But then the person has to watch them.

Yeah, but they're very enjoyable.

They're about to start on proper telly, actually, the wire.

You just have to give it four or five episodes, then you're in there.

They're starting on obviously two.

So basically, folks, I've joined Twitter and I've called myself Adam Buxton One, capital A, capital B, Adam Buxton One.

So let's Twitter because I don't understand so far Nothing's happened.

I don't even understand how I actually should put a message up How do I do the comments or anything like that?

You should put a message up say I'm currently doing radio.

Should we get online now?

Yeah

I don't know how it works though.

I don't know how it works either.

Someone needs to have the conversation with you.

As soon as I joined I was baffled.

I put in a password.

I put in my name.

I tried to select a profile picture for myself.

I thought I had done it said nice picture exclamation mark and then nothing.

I don't understand how to get onto my profile anymore.

I don't understand what you do once you're on there.

I don't understand what you do.

I've got a couple of emails saying so-and-so is following you on Twitter.

Emails?

Oh, right.

Because it alerts you when people start following you.

Right.

Don't understand who they are, how to get in touch with them, what they've said.

Well, I think it's just a one-way thing, isn't it?

Do they just listen to you?

No, they can't.

No idea.

Absolutely no idea.

Technology news here on the Adam and Jo radio show.

It's all up to the moment.

We've got a free play now for you.

This is yours, isn't it, Jo?

Yeah, this is Lynne Collins from her album Think Brackets About It.

This is produced by James Brown with the JBs on the horns.

That's good credentials, isn't it?

Very good, yeah.

This is her version of Ain't No Sunshine.

Wow, she really belts that out.

Yeah, she's shredding her vocal chords a little bit there.

She'll be properly trained though.

She'll know.

Will she?

Yeah, she's not beautiful voice.

She's got that beautiful voice she's got.

Oh, yeah, she's got a beautiful voice.

Can I touch it?

You've taken it too far.

A slatch.

Yeah, it's not what it was.

No, it was Adobe slabs.

But a slatch would be a combination of a slot and a latch.

Yes, a latched slot.

Yeah.

Could that be useful?

Um, yes.

Do they exist?

A slatch?

Yeah.

If you've got a slot, you know, like a coin slot, right?

Yeah.

Want a little latch for the phone slot.

Yeah.

You know, just to, I don't know why you'd want a latch on it.

It's what hermaphrodites have.

Yeah.

A slat.

It might be useful in some situations.

I'm walking away from hermaphrodite.

So, did you try and get on Twitter?

I didn't know, I'm still working on that.

I'm not sure whether the BBC computer system will let one Twitter.

Right, right, right.

I mean, I've been on Stephen Fry's one, and I don't even understand who's talking.

Like, it's mainly Stephen Fry, but then I can't tell when it's other people doing tweets.

The thing is, the worrying thing is it might be over quite soon.

How long did Facebook last as the thing everybody had to be doing?

Well, Facebook's still going strong, I mean... Yeah, but it's not at the top of the pile anymore, is it?

No, it's Pete.

Twitter's taken over at the top of the pile.

Yeah.

Watch the longevity a year.

They probably last about a year, these things, don't they?

Social networking fads.

I mean, people are talking as if Twitter's the one that's going to be in for the long run.

It's definitely very hot right now.

So hot right now.

It's so hot right now.

But what I'm thinking is that what's going to be next, because it's getting smaller and smaller.

That's the trend, isn't it?

I mean, a while, about a year ago, we tried to predict what the next social networking thing was going to be.

We failed.

What did we predict?

We predicted a load of old rubbish, as you can imagine.

But it can't get any smaller than how many letters on, how many words on Twitter, 140?

160 characters.

Characters?

Yeah.

It's like the name game.

Do you ever play the, or the hat game where you draw things on pieces of paper out of a hat and then the second round you have to just use one word?

Yep.

And the third round you have to mime them.

That's right.

So it'll be mimed.

The fourth round you just, you're only allowed to think it.

Really?

It's just telekinetic.

The person has to read your signs on your face.

That's where the future is.

So, where's it going to go next for social networking, though?

Just sounds or just you're only allowed to, you're not allowed to use actual letters, you're only allowed to use numbers or just bits of punctuation.

You have to express everything in punctuation, but you're not allowed question marks and you're not allowed exclamation marks.

Yeah, I think it'll be, people will stop using language, words, and will just use violent pranks.

Violent pranks.

Everything will be communicated via a socially unacceptable violent prank.

So Steve O will basically be like the president of the world.

Yeah, exactly.

And it'll just be pushing people off bikes, smashing windows, that kind of thing.

So violent pranks are going out though, aren't they?

You're right.

I mean, violent pranks are yesterday.

You're right.

We're so behind the times.

Well, I can't get onto Twitter.

I'm going to try and get onto Twitter during the next record.

We're going to launch Text of the Nation shortly, even though we haven't figured out exactly what it is.

We've got a really good text of the nation, which we're going to launch very shortly.

But right now, here's some more music.

I like to think of him as six musics own Tom Robinson.

This is 2468 motorway.

That's ARMS by Future Heads.

And you're listening to Adam Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It's a digital station.

You need a DAB radio to listen to it.

You've got to be ahead of everybody else.

You've got to be ahead of the curve.

By definition, if you're listening to this, especially live, then you're cooler than everyone else.

What do they call them?

Are you a maven or a connector?

You're an early adopter.

An early adopter, right.

Yeah.

Basically, you're absolutely the coolest out of all the people.

The coolies.

Out of the coolies, you are the king coolie.

So listen, I went to see some live comedy this week.

Oh yeah.

This is a rare event.

Why'd you do that?

Because somebody got me free tickets.

Oh, I see.

Was it a big famous comedian?

It was some guys who are causing a stir in the stand-up improv scene.

Yeah, they're an American troupe.

Well, they've been to Edinburgh.

They're the latest thing.

They're called the Pajama Men.

Oh.

Yeah.

Never heard of them.

They're good.

They wear pajamas.

And there are two of them in pajamas, and there's a fellow at the back with keyboards and musical instruments who provides a kind of soundtrack to the whole thing.

It's very cleverly done, and they do some mimes and physical comedy.

They do very funny verbal gags.

They tell stories.

You know, it's sort of the surreal narrative school of comedy.

You know, it feels improvisational, but then as it proceeds, you realise that it's all carefully structured and things pay off and stuff.

You know that kind of thing?

Yeah, most improv is like that.

Even though there's something disconcerting about seeing men performing in pyjamas.

Right.

Because pyjamas are very relaxing, but there's something edgy about pyjamas, isn't there?

Yes.

But bits and bobs could topple out or become exposed at any point in pyjamas.

Depends what kind of PJs you're wearing.

Well, I hope they'd stitched up all the bits, because there could have been some embarrassing glimpses of the nether regions doing the performance.

Well, it would be irresponsible not to wear underpants if you were wearing two PJs on stage.

Yeah, they should wear some wife fronts there.

Yeah, they're relaxing but once kind of weirdly unhygienic pyjamas, don't you think?

Yeah, well it's minor anyway, are they?

Well they're supposed to provide a hygienic barrier between you and your bed, aren't they?

Anyway, once I've settled into the pyjama thing, yeah you're right, that is what they're for.

The comedy was very good, but at one stage, quite early on in proceedings, they decided to go into the audience.

Now that's always a terrifying moment, isn't it?

Especially for a British audience, when the performer decides to cross the line and go for some audience participation.

So they were doing these kind of hippie stoner characters who waved their hands in the air kind of thing.

And they were waving their hands in the air and they drifted into the audience and they started drifting up the aisles and it was clear that whatever they were going to do next

was going to target some member of the audience.

And a palpable ripple of terror went through the crowd.

One guy just left.

Literally, one guy just stood up.

It was quite a small venue and just walked out.

No, I didn't pay to be intimidated.

You're doing the comedy, not me.

I'm leaving.

That's what he was implying.

Everyone else looked really worried.

Anyway, it very rarely happens to me that they pick me, that they come up to me.

But this time I kind of knew I had some weird gut feeling that he was going to come for me.

And I was on the end of a row and I was quite tightly packed.

It was at the Soho Theatre in London's racy west end.

and they really cram you on the rose there.

So I only had one buttock supported, the rest of me was kind of just draping over the stairs.

I'd got long legs, I looked like some sort of insane alien stick insect man.

So it was clear he was coming for me, and lo and behold he did.

He came up to me, he started saying funny things at me, and then he said, what do you like to do on a Sunday?

And there was silence.

And the whole place turned to me.

So I said, oh, I like to watch Antiques Roadshow.

And he liked that.

He went with that.

Then he started riffing on that.

And he said, that's a beautiful thing to say.

and he hugged me and everything and then it was over.

But for a moment it was mortifying.

Because you were thinking, should I say something funny or should I just say something normal?

I mean, the best thing to do is just say something straight.

Well, it's a completely different mindset, isn't it?

You're leaning back, you're in consumer mode.

It's like if you were watching the telly and suddenly you realized you were on NTV.

that Knoll had rigged your front room with cameras.

Yeah, and Mr Blobby's coming at you.

And Mr Blobby's in the wardrobe.

It's that kind of level of terror.

That is horrific.

You don't expect to be pulled into the performance like that.

Has that ever happened to you?

No, I always wanted it to happen to me.

Really?

I was always desperate to get chosen for stuff like that.

Please come to me, please, please, oh please!

raising my hand almost, you know.

Really?

I would always volunteer for things like that, so they always knew, oh, avoid that one.

You do it at your live shows, though, don't you?

I get people involved every now and again, yeah.

Yeah.

And I like it.

And I always think, well, they can't really not want to be involved, surely.

It'll be fun.

And the other day I did it and I pointed to a lady in the audience.

I said, I need someone attractive.

I was in character as an American actor man.

And so I said, I need an attractive woman, pointed to this lady, and she seemed to resist a little bit.

She was drunk.

And she came up and she said, oh, I'm really drunk.

It was only seven in the evening or something that was good that work well But we want to ask you listeners and this is a potential text the nation your experiences of audience participation Yeah, whether you've been pulled up on stage anywhere, maybe in a magic show maybe at a concert whether you've had any terrifying experiences when performers have crossed the line and tried to involve the audience in their gig and

Yeah, what's the name of the lovely lady from Friends who was pulled up on stage?

Courtney Cox in the Springsteen video.

Yeah, obviously that was a video and that was faked.

It was faked, but it was a wonderful moment.

Yeah, 64046 is the text number, I believe.

We're going to float that as our text the nation idea, right?

You reckon?

We should maybe.

Jingle though, shouldn't we?

Oh, let's think about it.

It's the top of the hour.

We should have at the top of the hour a sweeper and a record, shouldn't we?

Yeah, okay.

We'll have the top of the hour, sweeper, and then we'll sort of approach text-to-nation in a more formal way.

So it's, yeah, it's just gone 10am.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on Six Music.

Jingle, and then some great music from Sly and the Family Stone.

That's so good, isn't it?

That is so good.

That is so wickedly good that I just, every time I hear it, yeah, I have to be sick.

Really?

Yeah, because it's too good.

It overloads all my stuff, right?

and then I have to fall over and be sick.

It's horrible, it's disgusting, right?

So in a way, I hate hearing that song, because it leads to all that.

But it's so good that I can't help listening to it.

I don't know about that.

So listen, we're going to try and launch Text the Nation properly and we're going to do so with a listener made jingle.

Last week, slightly rashly, and I'd like to apologise to the team, I encourage people to send in homemade jingles and we didn't really discuss it in any way before.

That should be your new name.

What's what?

Rashly.

It'd be a nice name for a girl.

Rashadee.

Rashly.

But we got an amazing response.

We got like 40, 40 or 50 homemade jingles, didn't we?

Many jingles.

Somebody, a couple of people sent us in an amazingly produced album.

Who was it?

Charlie, Charlie Lin.

Katie Dillon and Charlie Line, or Lin Line, proposed jingles for our new job, beautiful artwork and stuff like that.

We haven't had a chance to listen to it properly, so we will do so this week and maybe play some next week.

But so we're going to be using listener jingles this week and here's a listener jingle.

This is by a gentleman called Steve for Text the Nation.

Check this one out.

That's a bit of a guitar there at the end.

Very nice.

Yeah, it's quite catchy, that one.

Yeah.

It might not seem like all that when you first hear it.

Ah, that's not all that.

But after a few listens... It's time to text the nation.

Yeah, it gets under your skin.

Yeah.

It's an earworm.

It's very nicely produced.

That's by Steve Ash.

Thank you, Steve.

So, Text the Nation this week, we're asking you for stories about when you've been audience-participated.

When a performer has stepped into the audience and roped you in and sometimes of course participation can go horribly wrong I mean I always remember a time when I was at I used to work at a kind of American theme restaurant and it was one of those places that was very loud and there was constant shouting and we jump up on the tables and dance and stuff like that.

and we used to have a lot of parties of people in.

And one time, one of the other guys, one of the DJs, I think, sort of went over to someone's table, jumped up on the table, said, right, we're going to sing Happy Birthday to Tony here.

OK, Tony, come on, get up on the table and do a dance with us.

And big deal.

And Tony's like, oh, no.

He's shaking his head.

And he's like, come on, don't be boring.

Come on, Tony.

Everyone, we want to see Tony get up and do a little dance with us.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah.

You know where this is going, right?

No.

Tony's disabled.

He can't stand up.

Oh, no.

He's in a wheelchair and the guy hadn't seen.

Oh, dear.

And he was just all excited about the idea of getting him up and he hadn't checked yet, whether he was actually able to get up on the table.

And so it was excruciatingly embarrassing for everyone concerned, mainly the DJ, I would say.

So it went really wrong, but there's always the chance that that's going to happen.

That's like some brilliant Ricky Gervais story.

Yeah.

That's like an episode of extras.

There you go.

He can have that one for free.

But that happens, I've seen that happen one or two times in audience participation situations.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, let us know your, your stories, uh, listeners, if you've got any, if no one has any, we'll switch subjects.

It's not a problem.

What would you switch to?

Something brilliant.

Favorite cakes.

What's your favorite recipe?

Battenberg would be mine.

Would it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just like a good old chocky sponge.

This isn't very good, you know.

So we got that in... Well, if the cakes takes off and overpowers the whole audience participate.

I should never have mentioned the cakes.

The thing about the cakes is it's a bit functional.

Yeah.

Well, we're just going to end up with lots of cakes.

A list of cakes.

That's no bad thing.

Isn't it?

Victoria sponge.

It's not something that's unique to the listeners though, is it?

Is that a cake?

Is it a cake?

Or is it ice cream?

It's a dessert.

It's delicious.

That's a good cake.

I haven't had one for ages.

What about?

Yeah.

I mean a Jaffa cake.

We've talked about this before.

That's a cake.

Technically.

Well, that's a cake.

For tax reasons.

But listen, what about the audience participation?

Obviously audience participation.

I'm just joking about the cakes.

Don't talk about that thing The problem is with the cakes everyone has a favorite cake.

Not everybody has a participation story Get some Battenberg today and there's gonna be people who feel alienated and a more pull towards the cake Yeah, everyone's pulled towards cakes fairy cake very classic homemade.

It's nice when it's light, but it can go wrong I like it when they're stodgy in the middle.

Do you yeah, what about a tart?

I love any kind of tart.

Treacle tart.

Certainly a lovely homemade treacle tart with a lovely lattice on the top.

Lattice?

Bread crumbs soaked in delicious treacle.

No, not lettuce.

A lattice.

A pastry lattice.

What about a lettuce lattice?

That would be another way to go.

It would be healthy.

64046, no cakes.

No cake comments.

Anyone takes in a cake.

We will be furious.

That's George Lamb's territory, man.

He can have the cake topic.

He's probably done it in fact.

He's covered cakes.

He's probably covered cakes.

Who can tell with what?

Certainly he's done cakes in every conceivable sense of the world.

Not having a cake around George Lamb's house.

So yeah, we've given them all the details for how to get in touch, right?

No, I'm really full actually, George.

No, I did, I just ate.

Are you sure?

It looks like lovely icing.

Are you absolutely sure?

But Yakisha?

No, you've written your name in it and everything.

But no thanks.

I've done a cake, Booyah.

Is that how he talks?

Ting, he says all the time.

Right, right, right.

No disrespect, George.

Okay, here's some more music while you're getting your non-cake-related audience participation stories to us for Text the Nation.

This is a psychedelic verse with heaven.

It's the Psychedelic Fuzz with Heaven.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

What are we up to now?

We already established in this show, that's what we say mainly.

Sometimes we say it as a legitimate form of identification.

Yeah, it's important.

One is trained to do it if you work on the radio.

Yeah, exactly, because people dip in and out of the programme, so you have to orientate people.

But other times we say it when we've got nothing.

I was trying to think of ideas for BBC films.

Oh yes.

You know the BBC have a film department?

A film arm.

Yeah, it's very good.

They do lots of very good films, but at the moment they tend to specialise in sort of period pieces.

Or documentaries.

That's not strictly true, but... Documentaries about Moss and Stewart Lee would have it.

Yeah.

I was trying to think of some good commercial ideas for them, you know, to get BBC films, some blockbuster action.

And I was trying to think of ways they could use the BBC archive, you know, or things that the BBC are already famous for, how they could spin that into movies.

Like, there should be a Top Gear movie, shouldn't there?

Of course.

I mean, there should be a big action movie with Clarkson, the Stig and Mark Owen.

Right.

Is he called Mark Owen?

The one that looks like a hamster boy.

Yeah.

Hammo.

Yeah, he thinks he looks like Mark Owen.

He does.

He's very attractive.

He's a lovely man and he's everywhere.

He's vulnerable.

He does all the programmes, doesn't he now?

He needs to be helped.

He's the miracle man.

Anyway, they should do a movie, shouldn't they?

Of course, that's staring them in the face.

Yeah.

I bet that's in production.

Do you think if it isn't, they're foolish?

They're idiots.

I was thinking that they could do a good one, because all about the natural history stuff, because you know like the BBC Earth and Blue Planet?

That's very popular.

The BBC owned the Planet Earth.

They basically own the natural world, don't they?

David Attenborough.

They've got first dibs on it.

Yeah, David Attenborough, yeah.

He has first dibs on the natural world.

He's in with all the top penguins and stuff.

The penguins basically say they screen people, you know, and they know who's all the naturalist.

Wait, because this is my idea.

Oh, is it?

so you basically pixar do a deal with the bbc yeah because they can do cgi animals so photo realistically that you can't tell the difference between the real thing so you use a lot of footage from from the blue planet and earth but then you have a behind the scenes thing about all the animals who are competing to star

in the BBC things right so you have a very pompous polar bear who is on the sleeve of the blue planet and he's very arrogant he's treated like a star in the polar bear world and he lives in a big igloo or whatever and he knows Attenborough and has lunch with him at the ivy and stuff yeah and they talk about you know oh my wife's giving birth next week we should do a deal for the rights stuff like that they sell the rights to the birth and stuff um you know yeah you get the idea

I think that would be absolutely extraordinary.

That's how David Attenborough talks.

And you intercut the CGI with the existing blue planet material that the BBC's got.

Do you think that would be a success?

Definitely.

When are they going to do a Doctor Who feature film?

Oh, I know.

That's weird.

That has to be quite soon, doesn't it?

Well, they do TV features, don't they, though?

They do feature-length episodes of TV.

Yeah, but there were, like, Invaged, Dalek, Invasion Earth, or whatever.

There were ones in the 60s.

When Doctor Who was at its prime in the 60s, they did feature films that had massive production values and were...

So, just to go on a tangent for one second, right?

Yeah.

Aren't they doing a 24 feature film?

Probably.

I thought they were.

Are they?

But the thing is, the 24 is genuinely like a film anyway, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never watched it.

But... I'm not interested.

Well, you're insane.

I know.

You keep telling me it's the best one so far.

Give it four episodes, then you really get in there.

No, it's great.

But yes, that's staring them in the face, Doctor Who the feature film.

Yes.

What are they doing BBC films making all these period business things?

Lark, rise to candle.

Starter for 10 they did.

Yeah.

That was to do with, what's it called?

The quiz show.

You know, ask the university.

Bamba Cambridge.

Ask the Family.

University Challenge.

Yes.

That was sort of a tie-in.

But you know, Celadore are doing very well with There Who Wants to be a Millionaire film?

Slumdog.

Two slums up for that one.

That's my little joke.

That's nice, man.

So it's all the rage to intertwine, maybe this is a better text the nation.

Don't confuse them.

Well, our audience are very sophisticated.

They can handle up to three text the nation subject at once.

Like Weetabix.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

No, you're right.

It's not a text the nation subject.

But don't you think that's a good idea?

Don't you think I should run BBC films?

It's quite a good text the nation subject, isn't it?

Yeah, you should run BBC films.

I'd be there, I'd be in there with all the latest ideas.

So who else are you going to, are you going to do Song to Praise the movie?

Hmm, that's a good idea without a Jones.

What would be the climax of that?

He finds out he meets God.

Oh That's quite heavy.

I mean, that's a well, that's what you want though.

Isn't that's the ultimate climate?

Yes.

Good CGI opportunities for God.

Yeah, be brilliant Yeah, that's a good idea.

Amazing music uses something that is what about antiques roadshow?

Yeah, you're obsessed with antiques roadshow.

I don't like it Well, she's lovely the lady.

Yeah, she'd get bums on seats here in a broof broof

that's not what you're thinking is it what am i thinking not seats

I don't know, something dirty you're thinking.

Think about George Lamb's cake again.

Listen, let's have another record.

Oh, dear.

Okay, oh, this is my free choice, right.

Now, this is, I'm playing this for my wife in case she's listening.

I think she tunes in around about now, but, you know, she dips in and out.

Very few people listen to the whole show right the way through, right?

Yeah.

Because you'd have to be insane.

But I'm hoping that she might be listening right now.

This is a song that I know she likes by The Rentals.

The Rentals are an offshoot or were an offshoot.

I'm not sure if they're still together from Weezer.

And their first album, Return of the Rentals, is amazing if you've never heard it.

That's what we used to call our parents.

Yeah, The Rentals.

We thought we made that up.

Did we make that up?

Maybe we did.

Parents, parentals, the rentals.

Yeah, exactly.

Are your rentals in?

No, my rentals have gone out.

Yeah.

Did we make that up, or did everyone?

That's too obvious, isn't it?

Everyone would have made that up.

I felt it felt like we made it up.

Is that what they mean by naming their band the Rentals?

No, they're talking about cars, like a rental car and stuff like that, you know?

I think, unless they're talking about their parents.

Anyway, this is a track called, Please Let That Be You, with the er in the middle, by The Rentals.

Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it?

That was Golden Silvers with True Romance, Sean Kievny's record of the week.

That does sound like an 80s parody, though.

It does, I mean- We could have entered that for Song Wars the week before last.

Yeah.

It's got, uh, it's even called, what's it called?

True Romance.

Almost the name of Modern Romance.

yeah exactly who it sounded very much like and also it sounded a bit like heaven 17 to reference uh they're called the golden silvers that's very 80s as well is it well the twinkly goldenness you know do you associate gold with the 80s i do yeah yeah spend our ballets record gold

Stephen Fry's gold... Stephen Fry?

Martin Fry's gold lame suit?

Sure, okay.

Yeah, there's two things.

Two things.

Yeah, that makes sense.

They're true, very important things.

Yeah.

And of course, did True Romance?

No, True Romance, the film, came out in the 90s, didn't it?

Yeah.

That's hard to watch that film.

Like, if you watch it back, it's a film that sort of felt like an enjoyable romp at the time, but if you try and re-watch it with Christian Slater and one of... Nelly Furtado.

Nelly Furtado's in there and...

Christopher Walkers.

You kids on the block and crisps.

Yeah.

They're all in there.

It's hard.

Difficult to watch.

Speaking of good things to watch, though, I got a message from someone at the BBC about Flight of the Conchords.

We were talking about the fact that my 80s track was accidentally very similar to a Flight of the Conchords song in their new series.

This is from Matt.

He says, like all right-minded people, glad you've been enjoying Flight of the Conchords.

who in their right mind wouldn't.

I am the person currently working on preparing the new series for transmission on the BBC.

I don't know what that means.

How is he preparing it?

He's seasoning it.

He's laying some strips of bacon across the top of it.

Putting some potatoes around the edge.

A little pastry lattice.

A lettuce lattice.

With some lettuce.

Getting George Lamb in.

Getting George Lamb to put some toppings on.

He says, series two of Flight of the Conchords will begin transmitting on BBC Four in mid-May.

Watch it in glorious television.

There's lots of good telecoming on the internet.

Yes.

The Wire?

The Wire, it's brilliant.

It's coming up, that's supposed to be really good.

Just give it four episodes, you're in there.

Stewart Lee's show, Stewart Lee's comedy vehicle going out at the moment, that's brilliant.

Oh, that's enjoyable.

What were you going to say?

Nothing.

You said the thing is...

I was just going to carry on talking rubbish about the Y. Talking rubbish.

Go on, say another thing.

Another thing about the Y. Omar, he's such an amazing character, Omar.

You know, he's British.

The actor's British.

No, wrong about that.

See, I got it slightly wrong.

Slightly wrong.

But I've never seen it.

I've only ever heard people talking about it.

That's not bad.

That's not bad at all.

Omar is Obama's favourite character from the Y. Yeah.

Did you know that one?

Do you have that in your little smug wire locker there?

I'm going to add that to my specious arsenal.

It's brilliant, man.

Omar is the best character.

He's amazing.

He deserves his own... He, you know, the actor I think is in the... Oh, shut up about the wire.

Adaptation of the road that's coming out.

Here's the news.

That was the choral within the morning.

You put a question mark by that one in the playlist.

I did.

I'm not sure about that one.

That's brilliant, that song.

It is good, but I think it gets a lot of airplay.

I think six music should be playing, you know, who am I to say?

Yeah, who are you to say?

I would condition this with, but I think we should be playing stuff that doesn't usually get heard about the place.

that much.

There's other shows, that's what Stuart Maconey and Mark Radcliffe are for.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

We're playing fun.

You brought it up.

I'm just defending my position.

You exposed me and now you're attacking me, which is very ignoble.

It's a bit cowardly, isn't it?

It's a little bit cowardly.

Sorry about that.

You're calling my name then, punching me in the face.

Joe, yes.

Blue smack.

That's how you operate.

Yeah, but I'm- Future I won't answer when you call, that's the solution.

Listen, you can look at it in that way if you want.

I'm defending the coral, who you are bullying, by putting a question mark by the- I was bullying them in private.

And there's more of them than there are of you as well, so they could easily get the coral.

You're right.

Coral's very precious and dangerous as well.

It's abrasive.

Yeah.

Listen, it's text the nation time.

We're going to have another listener made jingle for this segment, aren't we Adam?

Yes.

This one is from Tom Holt.

Just to remind people, you know, we love jingles on the show, right?

We usually make our own, but last week we suggested that maybe listeners could send in their own jingles that we would use just for this show and maybe one or two times thereafter.

I don't think they should replace the jingles that I, for example,

No, I think you're right, but I think it's nice every now and then to have a listener-made jingle.

I think you're right, yeah.

This one is from Tom Holt, and he's come up with a jingle for Text the Nation.

Here it is.

Text the Nation.

Is that one of the good ones?

Yes!

That's good.

I like the medieval feel of that one.

It does, it has a kind of medieval feel.

It's like a medieval dungeon.

Yeah, it's quite sinister and frightening.

Exactly.

Yeah.

As if we're in a dungeon, we're doing the show from a dungeon, there's flaming torches.

Flaming torches.

And they've put Joe on a rack there because he's... I want to be compressed, not stretched.

I'm tall enough already.

Wow.

Please not the rack.

No, not the rack.

I mean, you've not got some kind of compression.

then you could torture me and I'd get something out of it could you not just like chop a section out of my legs and then sell me back they can't do that of course that's the procedure I'm saving up for that for the shortening operation we're swapping aren't we I'm giving you a couple of feet yeah that would be great yeah I'm having my ankles transposed onto you

And then I wake up and I realise they've sewn them onto my head!

You realise you're possessed by my ankles.

Yes.

Like that Johnny Depp film where he gets a monkey's heart.

Only what would ankles bring to the party?

Your groovy dance moves.

Groovy dance moves.

Extreme pain when you get kicked in them.

and phantom itching, have you got itchy ankles?

My ankles are alright actually.

You'd have my sock impressions.

Do you know?

But I mean tight socks when they make a little... Sure.

Sure.

Okay, Text the Nation this week is all about audience participation when you go to some kind of event and you get roped into the activity on the stage.

The more I think about it, the more I think it should be banned.

Really?

Yeah, I think only magicians should be allowed to do it.

But it's fun for people sometimes.

Is it fun?

I think it's terrifying.

It's fun for the rest of the audience.

But the moment when you think you're going to be picked, it's horrible.

Well, famous people often say they don't like going to gigs and stuff like that, and especially sitting anywhere near the front, because they always think the performer's going to home in on them.

Pick on them.

Okay, so here's one from John Robson.

He says, my girlfriend Jessica has been emotionally scarred to this day 20 years later from an occasion when she was a teenager and took her younger brother to Gnome World in Devon.

She was singled out in a Gnome performance and ended up having to sing with a piano playing small person.

I doubt it's the smallest of the players.

It's probably the Gnome costume and the general ambiance.

What's the general ambience?

What, just a creepy gnome ambience?

Creepy.

Yeah.

Gnomes, generally, like from Enid Blyton books.

Naughty gnomes.

They're quite scary.

They are, yeah.

There's something about that whole British pastoral magic thing.

You know gnomes and toadstools and fairies.

It's quite sinister and disturbing.

Well, the ones with the old bulbous noses.

Yeah.

I'm thinking of Cogall from Labyrinth.

The faraway tree.

Yeah.

That's creepy stuff.

It is creepy, alright.

No, it's all magic mushroom based and troubling.

Anyway, Jessica was severely traumatised by the gnome and to this day whenever we go to a show, any type of show, she fears, she lives in fear of being chosen to participate.

By a gnome.

Here's one from Chris.

I was at a show that encouraged friendly rivalry between different parts of the audience, and an audience member came over and punched me in the head.

What?

I'd like to know more about that, Chris.

I don't believe that's true.

I do believe it.

Really?

yeah antagonism like you get you get the left side of the audience to sing or chant yeah and then a spirit of competition uh kind of builds up and then he gets out of hand then you get head punching before you know it people are punching each other in the head expand on that please chris here is an anonymous texter who says darren brown selected me to go on stage so i ran up but he sent me back because i was barefoot i think my feet subconsciously revealed i could not be messed with

although it may have been because there was a lot of broken glass on the stage, he wore lots of makeup.

So that's another interesting aspect to audience participation.

You get to see the performers close up.

And if you're in magic, you maybe get to know how they did it, but have a moral choice to make, whether to keep the secret or not.

He sends a lot of people back, Darren Brown.

Yeah.

I've noticed him doing that a couple of times.

He gets people up and he goes, no, you know what?

I'm sorry, but you're not right.

They're too strong-willed.

Right.

Maybe.

Well, they're not magic enough.

Uh-huh.

Here's one from Rosie in Norwich.

Wow.

That's harsh.

Because the whole baying crowd then would get on your case.

It's difficult as well if you're the performer as well and you've homed in on someone.

It weakens your authority, doesn't it?

Exactly.

Because when you picked that woman at your gig, she wasn't up for it at first, was she?

No.

But you persevered, you bullied her.

Yeah.

In a nice way.

Yeah.

Bully with a small B. And she ended up being brilliant.

You know, she loved it, you loved it.

Yeah.

I hated it.

No, that's not true.

I liked it.

Was it really uncomfortable to watch?

No, it was good.

It was good.

Here's one from Kirsty.

When I was about five, my family went to the circus.

Suddenly a clown accosted me and made me perform a roly-poly after leaping over a chair.

That sounds sordid, doesn't it?

A clown, yeah.

What's a roly poly?

A roly poly?

She's actually spelt it.

A roly poly, that's just a forward roll.

Just a forward roll after leaping over a chair.

The next time we went to the circus, a clown lurched in our direction.

My sister, who witnessed my trauma the last time, actually wet herself on my mum's knee.

Oh, that's just awful.

That's a good description of the clown lurching.

He's a zombie or some kind of out of control robot.

Yeah.

And here's one from Sarah in Southsea.

My partner Tony is still paying to see a chiropractor several years after he and his mate were pulled from the audience by Johnny Vegas and asked to carry him aloft on stage.

Well, he's famous, isn't he, for having all kinds of extreme audience participation, Johnny Vegas?

But what do you expect if you go to his show?

You've got to be ready to take the consequences.

Has anyone sued anybody?

Somebody sued Paul McKenna very famously, didn't they, after being involved in one of his Hypno things?

Right.

Well, that's different.

I mean, those can be very invasive.

One last one for this segment from Aaron in Blackheath.

When I was 10, I was levitated by a magician who came to our school fair.

Everyone who saw it said I was floating, but to me it just felt like I was lying on a table.

And then you're, right, then you're under pressure sort of not to burst the bubble.

Not to give away the secret.

Exactly.

You have to kind of maintain the illusion, as it were.

Please keep your audience participation stories coming in.

The text number is 64046.

The email is adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Wonderful music for you now.

This is Back for Lashes with Daniel.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Back for Lashes with Daniel.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

I had a bit of a road rage incident this week, Joe.

Oh, dear.

Had any road rage recently?

Yeah, I did.

But you get into your story, because I don't want to make everything too long.

All right then, mine was a bike rage thing.

And every now and again I have them.

And I really do try and be a responsible cyclist, but I also like to be honest when I transgress, right, and not pretend like I'm saintly, because I know I'm not.

And now I'm living outside London.

I think some of my bad metropolitan cycling habits are going down badly with the people of Norwich, who are used to more respectful cycling behaviour, quite rightly.

And so I've been yelled at a couple of times in the last few weeks cycling through Norwich.

One time I was on this stretch of road, right?

And it's quite a busy stretch of road leading out of town.

And along the side of the road is a long cycle path on the pavement, right?

So I'm on the cycle path happily.

You are a cycle path.

And I get to the end of the path, and then what do you do?

You have to join the road again, right?

So what I did was I just slid onto the road without indicating.

I didn't stop.

I just rejoined the road.

but I joined it hugging the curb, so there was no way unless the car was going to be right there.

You know, I did look behind me, I didn't like just join it without looking.

What happened?

Hooting?

Shouting.

There was a guy in a flatbed truck, right?

And he looked a little bit like he'd just popped out of the hills have eyes.

And he had his two young sons, I guess around eight years old, eight or nine years old, sat next to him.

And he went completely ballistic all over my arse, right?

Did he stop his vehicle?

Stopped his vehicle.

Did he exit the vehicle?

Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot.

And he was a Scottish man.

You idiot!

He kept on screaming over and over again.

I can't crash down to the wheel!

I can't count you!

You idiot!

Right.

Fair cop.

All right.

I should.

He was frightened because he thought you were going to make him.

There was no, let me tell you, there was absolutely no way.

Yeah.

But you made him think that.

No.

So you terrified him.

I'm just saying that's why he was angry because he was frightened as a driver.

That is the most terrifying thing.

Sure.

Legitimate, legitimate rebuttal.

However, in this case, not legitimate.

He was nowhere near.

He was miles behind, but he just didn't like it because he hates cyclists.

No, I don't know, man.

No.

Honestly, I'm telling you, you've heard me confess my transgressions before.

If it was a real genuine case of me having slid right in front of this guy and given him a terrible shot, I'd be holding my hands up and saying, fair cop.

But it wasn't.

He was miles back.

He just didn't like the idea that I'd re-joined the road without actually stopping.

I mean, it was partly my fault.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but as a BBC programme... Yeah, balance.

I think we should... I think that is a bad thing.

And as a driver, it is terrifying.

And the idea, that's the most terrifying thing about traffic accidents, is they happen out of nowhere.

Yeah.

And the idea that you could be just driving along with your young sons, and then suddenly you've killed Adam Buxton.

And forever your lives are entwined with your parents, your family, his sons in the car, in the lorry.

I mean, my God.

Well, he went absolutely crazy.

And motivated, I bet, just by the sheer fear and alarm and terror of what might have happened.

It wasn't that close.

Oh, but it's in my head now, and in my head it's very close.

As I can see it, as I'm imagining it, it's very close and you're in the wrong.

Yeah.

But listen, you're right about all that.

And that was a very moving speech, which makes me look bad.

Everything I have to say now is going to make me look bad.

However, you're wrong.

Because in this situation, it was no way a close thing at all.

He just wanted an excuse to flip out.

Yeah.

That's the thing, right?

And so I, I, I, I apologize to him and I said, listen, I'm sorry.

By the way, I was nowhere near you.

However, I'm sorry.

How did he take that?

He took it really badly.

Yeah.

And he just kept on getting angry and angry, screaming, and he wouldn't shut up.

I was like, whoa, calm down, calm down.

I'm saying I'm sorry.

Calm down, I kept on saying, right?

Well, that's infuriating for him because he feels he's trying to teach you something.

He was teaching me nothing.

And you're throwing it back in his face with indignance.

No, but he was flipping out this guy.

Yeah.

And then he started swearing at me and freaking out.

And so after a while, I just said to one of his sons, hey, your dad's really nice, isn't he?

That's not a good idea.

That went down badly.

His son, little eight year old son, suggested that I get to know my mother much better than I do now.

Yes, well he'd be on his dad's side in a sweary way.

Yeah.

It was really frightening.

But now that, oh you said all that stuff, it's made me look bad.

Well, I don't know, you sometimes have a tendency when you're wrong to just entrench yourself so deeply in your wrongness.

No, listen, I started out by saying that... I say that in a reaching out way, someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

But it's not... Situations like this are not black and white.

Do you not accept the fact that there could be a little bit of me being slightly wrong and this other guy being wrong?

They kind of are, because it's illegal to just suddenly cycle randomly into the road.

You are outrageous!

I'm just saying this as a driver, man.

But I'm saying this as a cyclist.

I'm saying this as a cyclist.

We get a lot of bad treatment from drivers as well, and we are very vulnerable as well.

Well, then you should have chosen an anecdote in which you weren't breaking the law and cycling in front of a lorry.

Technically, that's true.

No, you're right.

I'm being unsupportive, and you're right.

He sounds like a nutter.

He sounds like a Hills Have Eyes lunatic.

That's bad.

So he was acting irrationally.

Yeah, why couldn't you have just come in with that at the beginning?

His son sounds as if he's some kind of feral light.

Yeah.

I don't know what.

And I was in the right, wasn't I?

And you were in the right with your random sudden cycling into the road.

I'm never going to do it again, though.

I learned my lesson, okay?

So something good came out of it.

Yeah, something very good came out of it.

Yeah, including this wonderful story.

Yeah.

I wonder what the listeners will think about that story.

Here's your free play now.

Yeah, this is something to calm everybody down after that roller coaster ride.

This is Neil Young with Helpless.

That was Lemonheads with It's About Time.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

have you seen uh you know that we can't mention brand names on the big british castle can we really know that's bad but there's a there's a brand of deodorant that's favored by teenagers do you know the one i mean that also has the same name as an animal yeah and something that rhymes with stinks yeah exactly yeah they've bought out a new miniature version have you seen the adverts for that i think

So it's sold to boys mainly this deodorant that rhymes with stinks sort of spotty teenage boys Yeah, and they're obviously trying to market a new type of it.

So they've invented a very small sort of handbag size Version, but of course it's for boys.

So you wouldn't call it a handbag man bag size man bag size They've called it the bullet

The Bullet.

Yeah.

So there are big posters all over South London, which is an area that suffers a little from the presence of bullets in teenagers' pockets.

Yeah, that's true.

And they've decided to market their mini deodorant as a bullet.

That is crazy.

Isn't it a tiny bit irresponsible?

Yeah.

Or is it brilliantly clever?

You're being very responsible this show.

I mean, you're community-minded.

I am.

I think it's, you know, we're employed by the castle.

Absolutely.

We've got to stand up for what's good and right in the world.

You're quite right.

And I think... Even if it means humiliating your co-presenter deliberately twisting the fact of an anecdote to make him look irresponsible and bad.

Shall we stay on that subject?

Is there more to be said?

No, it's fine.

I'm absolutely fine.

Because we don't want to, like, pull it.

I'm fine!

Let's talk about the bullet.

I was just thinking, trying to think of other ways.

You're not thinking about the bullet.

I just wish that I had a legal brain or any kind of brain.

What are you regretting?

Regretting that you twisted the facts of the story and made it look as if I was one of the worst kinds of people in the world, which is a very dangerous and irresponsible cyclist.

And I don't think I am that person.

Right.

Do you think I've changed the way you will cycle and think about people who are angry at you?

No.

You've changed the way other people will think about me and I'll get a load of hate mail from people saying I hate people like you.

You're making the world a better, a worse place.

Yeah.

Apart from that, I'm fine.

What have you done to my bullet, my whole bullet thing now?

Yeah, exactly.

You've ruined my bullet thing.

Literally.

I had a whole riff on other products that you could make into armaments.

Yeah, and now it's too serious.

Now the whole thing's gone too serious and I've ripped the part out.

Yeah, and now it's just back to your cycling thing.

Yeah, exactly.

How does it feel?

So I can't tell you about the... Course you can.

Come on.

What other stuff have you got, Bullet Boy?

Well, no, I can't say it now.

I'm not going to say it.

I'll do it next week when it's fresher.

No.

Come on.

You can't just toss down your notebook like that.

It'll sound contrived now.

Come on, come on.

Sound contrived.

That sounds fine.

I can't.

Because I'll support it.

No.

Go on, see how I support it.

All right, can you think of any other products that would be, uh, saleable to teenage boys by connecting them with armaments?

No.

Look at your face!

When you said no.

What expression was that?

That was a Ricky Gervais expression, that's what that was.

Rick Male.

Was it Rick Male?

Yeah.

No, he used to do it on the young ones.

No.

No, farty.

Yeah, Ricky's stolen that.

Little bit.

As well as David Brent.

Anyway, there you go.

That's the end of that.

Oh man, I didn't mean to talk.

Sorry, no, I made a good point about Stink's deodorant being irresponsible.

Yeah, that's true.

Notice that I actually apologize when I torpedo something though, right?

Right.

Now my torpedoing of your NAT and its stories has become a much-loved feature of the show.

People have sent in jingles for it.

That's right.

People love it.

Yeah.

And it's great because it's easy for me.

All I have to do is say nothing.

Unleash the torpedo.

All I have to do is just move on.

Introduce another record.

Got a taste of your own medicine there, though, didn't you?

Yeah.

How was it?

You didn't like it?

No, it was still good.

Didn't like it.

That's coming back.

Yeah, you reckon?

In a couple of weeks' time, I'm going to come back to that.

You're going to see what you missed.

I walked down the street.

I saw it.

I thought, hmm, I made a little note in my notebook.

I thought, I'm going to use that on the programme and now look.

It's a good topic, man.

The thing is, you should have left a longer gap between that one and the one that you torpedoed of mine.

Right, because the torpedo was still in the air.

Exactly, it was still flying.

The torpedo was still like racing around underwater looking for a target.

Anyway, this program's a disaster.

It's a bit ramshackular, isn't it?

How about, uh, have we had your free choice yet?

Yeah, we just did.

I don't even know what's going on anymore.

I'm so old.

Uh, so what we got now, we've got some white lines for you listeners.

This is farewell to the fairground.

White Lies with Farewell to the Fairground.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Thank you very much for joining us on this gloriously sunny Saturday morning.

We're broadcasting from London town.

It's exciting.

It's all like pearly Kings out in the streets and it's foggy.

It's very foggy.

Did I say it was sunny?

I was wrong.

It was, it's like a pea super out there.

Yeah.

And Jack the Ripper's on the loose.

Jack the Ripper's on the loose.

of a twist, and all Fagin's gang are doing a big knees up number just round the corner.

Right?

Yeah, there's chimney sweeps.

Fagin's knees up gang.

What?

Now, we were talking about, there was a little bit of story torpedoing going, if you just tuned in.

First, I did a little anecdote about some cycle road rage, which Joe, quite well, in a way, he was right to point out the genuine danger of the situation, but in another way, it made it look as if I was more irresponsible than I think I actually was in that situation.

And so, it was all mixed up with some really serious stuff that made me look incredibly bad.

So then, by accident, I torpedoed his story thereafter, because I had someone resolved.

Which was a brilliant story all about issues.

You know, an ethical mistake a deodorant company have made.

He was going to go.

I was highlighting.

Right.

I was going to start a sort of a national campaign.

And he's going to do a little riffage about it.

Didn't happen.

Adam pulled it down.

I pulled it down just to give him a taste of his own medicine.

But this has become a recurring thing on the program, not by intention or design at all, just because sometimes

You know, I have a very honest brain.

Right, that's what it is.

I feel you're wrong.

Or you're, you know, launching into something that's a mistake.

I will try and kill it by going silent.

Or just I find it hard to know what to say.

Just that you admit that so brazenly.

Yeah, it's not true.

It's never that conscious.

It's just what happens.

It's what happens.

And anyway, some listeners find it charming.

Yeah.

And as if it's some kind of preconceived feature.

Fun feature.

You know, I think it's like people hallucinate features where there are none.

If you provide them with a radio show that has no structure or features, they will see them.

The audience will project them into the proceedings.

Their natural desire for order imposes a structure.

And that's what's happened.

They've hallucinated some kind of recurring feature, to the extent that some people have sent in jingles for this hallucinated feature.

Here's one from Tom Challenger.

Here's his jingle about my stories being torpedoed by Jug.

Are you even listening?

No, I tuned out by that point.

It's time for a pathetic joke and we can't wait.

Oh, you're so angry.

I quit!

Where does the phrase to poo-poo something come from?

I don't know.

Do you think it's as straightforward as one might imagine?

Do a little popping.

It's a very extreme reaction to something you don't like.

That's interesting, isn't it?

But it's probably how cavemen behaved.

Like, if this was a prehistoric show to express distaste, they would just... Yeah, you would start grunting, and if I didn't approve of your grunting, I would poo-poo you.

You'd come over and take a dump on me.

I'd probably throw it, wouldn't you now?

Po-po!

You don't like the story?

Is there another reason you threw your poo at me?

Actually, a lot of Neolithic stuff is in France, isn't it?

That's where it all comes from.

It all comes from all those caves with their paintings there in France.

It was quite an educated accent.

Look, I done a painting.

Where's that from now?

It's from like Northampton.

I done a painting of an antelope.

You like it?

Oh, why do you throw that at me?

The poo poo?

Isn't that like my antelope painting?

So that's a good jingle though, Tom Challenger.

Thank you very much indeed for that.

That sort of sums it up nicely.

Didn't we have another one?

Yeah, here's one from Andy Martin.

Andy actually sent in about a thousand.

Really?

Sorry, the frog's come back.

I've dealt with a frog.

Andy Martin sent in a number.

Here's just one of them about the same sort of syndrome.

Here's another good story behind the door.

Those are really good jingles.

It's difficult to know where to use them because I can't torpedo your stories in a premeditated kind of a way.

Have you ever thought about doing that?

Just to make people happy?

I think this would be a good opportunity to torpedo one of Adam's stories.

Well now we're going to be self-conscious about it though, aren't we?

Exactly.

So that's the only context we can really play them in, in a kind of review context, rather than actually apply them.

unless our producer was so quick-witted that when he saw that kind of thing happening... He bangs it in there.

He bangs it in there.

You could do that, Geoff.

He's way on top.

He's very good.

He's a top producer.

Easy.

Anyway, thank you very much to everyone who sent in a jingle.

We did get a lot, so we'll be sort of drip-feeding them through the shows from Hence For.

And they'll turn up in the podcast, I imagine.

It's a good way to keep people listening, definitely.

Because there's probably a few people who've sent in jingles that we're going to have to listen to a lot of programs before they hear them.

Yeah.

It's a shame it's not a paying program.

They may still turn up, though.

In a way, it is a paying program.

Give up her fee.

Their license fee represents about half a pence of your license fee.

There's an emotional fee as well, there's emotional tax exacted on some of the listeners.

It's draining to listen to.

It's music time now.

This is Olive.

I don't know about Olive.

What's the... I didn't get the Olive memo.

Is she new?

She's delicious.

No.

Is she old?

Where's she from?

For 10 years, Olive, never heard of Olive, this is You're Not Alone.

Yeah, you see, I was being a bit sniffy about that track, but Jeff, our producer, who's a little bit younger than us, was pointing out that for many people, that reminds them of the good old days when they were at college, you know, and they were jumping around there wearing day glow things and behaving in an irresponsible manner at weekends and stuff like that.

You know what the fashion is this weekend?

What is it?

To wear something bright yellow or fluorescent.

It's just happened in the last week or so, hasn't it?

Or two weeks?

Like Raver.

Charlotte will know about that.

She's a girl.

She likes fashion.

Raver fashions.

Yeah, no, it's suddenly been dictated.

I heard it on This Morning.

That's where I get my fashion news with killing fun.

They said that apparently you had to wear something yellow.

I was half awake.

I thought that was an impression of Phil.

No, Phil's much more.

No, he's really sparky, Phil.

He is.

He looks like someone who lives in Trumpton.

It looks, you know, if you saw Phil Scofield in the street, his feet wouldn't separate when he walked.

He just moves like a stop motion character.

And then whenever he tries to stop, he does three 360-degree twirls.

Like a South Park character.

Yeah.

Anyway, yeah, they said you had to wear yellow and then you go down the streets and all the shops have got yellow things.

There you go, the power of philanthropy.

It's the prime directive.

It's all about bright fluorescent yellow.

And then what's his name?

Mr. Man who does things.

Nick Knowles.

Mr. Man who does things.

You mean Nick Knowles, don't you?

No, I mean, um, the guy that writes the books, he was on Newsnight Review, you know?

A book guy.

A book guy?

Oh god, this is terrible.

Anyway, he was wearing it as well.

What's he called?

The guy that writes the books?

How could I possibly know?

He's an 80s critic and commentator.

Tom Paulin.

No, he's a poet.

Oh god, I don't know.

Anyway, look, talking about anecdotes.

Tony Parsons.

Yeah, that's the guy.

Tony Parsons.

Is that really the guy?

You got it.

What was this book called?

Not about a boy.

I was about to say about a boy, but that would have confused things even more.

Man and boy.

It can be difficult to think of things.

We got there in the air.

We got there quite quickly.

Yeah, we got there.

Well done.

You helped.

Tony passed.

Anyway, listen.

Here's an email that's just coming from Neil and Abigail.

Good morning, Adam and Jo.

Having listened to Adam's road rage story, it seems that you need to implement a system of scoring each other's and listeners' stories.

In our house, we offer scores based on an old episode of Come Dying With Me.

In this episode, a man was cooking a dish called Beef Surprise.

The surprise was that it was made of turkey and had no relation to beef whatsoever.

In the programme, he tells his Beef Surprise story, the story's just that it's turkey and not beef, to a shop worker where he's buying his groceries.

The shop worker makes no comment on his story except to ask for the 72 pence for his groceries.

72 pence, please.

Our rating system in our house is simply to offer each other an amount of pence as a value for their lame anecdote.

I hope this helps.

Love, Neil and Abigail.

So if you tell a story, you then just have to leave a pause.

And then, 40 pence?

You assign a money to that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pence is good though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Are you allowed to go over?

Is it allowed to go into pounds?

I think that would be the greatest anecdote ever told.

The over a pound?

In my mind, it seems that... Do you think... No, maybe you could go over a pound.

Yeah, a pound for that.

Well I guess you can't go over a pound unless it's really unbelievable.

Yeah, unbelievably good.

Yeah, and then you get like a fiver or something.

That would be the most any anecdote could ever get.

That is exactly, that captures exactly how I sometimes feel after your anecdotes though, is if I'm sitting at a supermarket checkout.

72 pence.

Yeah, and how do you think I feel?

You feel like the man who's made the beef surprise out of turkey.

Exactly.

And that was a funny story, beef surprise.

The surprise is, it's not beef, it's turkey.

That's funny stuff, man.

What does he get in return?

Nothing.

From the shoppers to nays.

Change.

Thank you, Neil and Abigail.

That's a good idea.

I like the sound of things in your house.

Yeah, we'll implement that.

Here's some more music for you now.

This is New Order with Bizarre Love Triangle.

So, new order with the bizarre love triangle.

Adam has been Twittering.

Yeah, I've been checking my Twitter thing.

I've got a hundred new followers.

That's good.

Right, since the show began.

And I just typed in, hi, this is exciting.

What do I do now?

That's a very good thing to type in.

That's right.

That's kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at all my followers, man.

They're good looking.

Do you get pickies?

Are Olivia Holcomb, West Darby, Ben Yates, Laura W, David Leary.

Yeah, there's pickies.

Look at Gia Gia, Gia Milinovich.

She's beautiful.

Are you going to get involved in another sift situation in a second?

I hope so.

A siftuation.

So yeah, I'm excited to find out what's going to happen.

I mean, nothing.

Wow.

What do you mean?

I mean, you'll just be able to chit-chat with them.

Yeah.

Ask them a question.

What should I ask them?

Ask them, uh, would you like to go on a date with me?

Oh, that's just pointless.

What's that?

Time for the news.

That's The Killers with Mr. Brightside.

Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Nice to have you along.

It's still a very nice day outside.

We're going to wrap up Text the Nation now.

Let's have the old jingle.

Johnny White has emailed us to say, Dear Adam and Jo, this week's Text the Nation is unstructured and confusing.

I won't read the rest.

It's not offensive or anything.

He's just giving some other suggestions of much simpler text the nations like favourite colour, the earliest I've ever got up on Christmas Day and the nicest weather.

He's suggesting they would all have been better than this one.

You know, Johnny, I think you're right.

Cakes.

We have to think of an idea every Saturday.

And how long have we been doing this for?

This is our show number 66, but just on the BBC.

We try not to repeat ourselves, but some weeks maybe we should.

You know when we don't have a better idea, maybe we should just pull an old successful one out of the bag.

Injuries, man.

Minor injuries.

That was a classic one.

Animal death.

People like that one.

We got into trouble with that one.

We went into trouble.

That wouldn't fly on the BBC.

Let's do minor injuries next week.

That was such fun.

Yeah, we'll pull an old one out of the bag in future if we can't think of a new one.

If you've ever got a good idea, listeners, you know the ones that work well, they're the ones that everyone can contribute to and don't get done on every other radio show in the world, right?

Right.

They're quite tough to think of.

All of these things.

I mean, mine are interesting.

I find it easy, actually, but had you struggled?

No, I never struggled.

You never struggled.

No, no, no.

I've come up with some amazing ones.

You encouraged me to do this one this week.

Yeah, I did, because I knew it.

He was setting me up right now.

I thought it was good.

It was remind me what it was again.

It was.

It was audience participation.

Audience participation is a classic.

It's a classic.

It's an Asian classic.

Jeremy Hughes from from from plen book Shire says.

Hi, I once got on stage at a Motorhead gig and stood next to Lemmy.

I was all ready to join in on singing lyrics next to the next song.

Unfortunately, they launched into a song that I'd never heard of before.

I shuffled off stage, was grabbed by a bouncer and thrown out of the building.

So he pushed through the audience really excitedly to climb onto the stage.

This is good.

I love it.

It's good, man.

I'm going to make something out of this.

He pushed through the crowd to get up on the stage and you know people who do.

This entire programme is just going to become half begun things that are then undermined by one or the other.

Here's another one.

Motorhead and he didn't know the song worked.

Should I do another one?

This is from Steve Mann.

Morning about 20 years ago my parents went to see Paul Daniels at the Theatre Royal in Norwich.

My dad got picked on to go up on stage.

That's why he sent it in, audience participation.

He had to give Paul Daniels a 20 pound note which then disappeared.

It was then a few minutes later retrieved from a walnut that was in an egg that was in a lemon which was found somewhere.

somewhere else on stage.

Magic's brilliant.

Paul had a little magician's lectern, and being on stage, my dad could quite clearly watch Mr. Daniels assemble the £20 note into the aforementioned fruit and nuts with a selection of tools and glue, before cleverly hiding it on stage, all the time distracting the audience from his actions with witty banter and subterfuge.

I didn't realise that magicians did that, though.

It allowed their stooges to see what was going on.

Well, they're not supposed to.

They're not stooges, though, aren't they?

At the end of that one.

There was a good one.

Have you seen it?

It sparked off a little conversation.

Yeah.

Brilliant stuff.

Texas Nation Classic.

Another one?

Yes, please.

Dan Whittaker, Dear Adam and Joe.

When I was 15, I went to see a DIY themed comedy show at the Edinburgh Festival called DIY of the Jackal.

Nice Unfortunately there were only five people in the audience and they were friends of the people in the show and hadn't bought tickets.

They picked a ticket number out of a hat.

I just kept very still, assuming it must be part of the show and they'd have some kind of stooge in the audience.

Imagine my horror when they pointed at me and said, it's you, isn't it?

You're the only one we don't know.

It took me up on stage, proceeded to burn my initials onto the seat of a self-assembly pine bar stool with a blowtorch, and then gave it to me as a present.

I didn't want to carry a bulky bar stool all the way home.

I declined, walked off the stage back to my seat.

It was very embarrassing for all involved.

The end!

Yeah, good one.

Who's that from?

I read it out, didn't I?

Did you?

Dan Whitaker.

Brilliant stuff.

Yeah, Dan Whitaker.

Brilliant stuff.

Thanks, Dan.

That was very good.

That was good.

Oh, God.

DIY... Of the Jackal.

Of the Jackal.

That was good, man.

It's had little jokes inside the story.

And it was good.

That's another idea for a poor text the nation would be gigs you've attended when no one turns up.

Right.

They can be excruciating, can't they?

Sometimes they can be the best ones of all.

Or small amateur plays, where there's more people on stage than in the audience.

Yes, I went to see a friend of mine, when I was bartending, he was an actor and he did a play, a very intense play, like where he was very dramatic and there was a lot of screaming and shouting and it was very emotional.

Two people, two people.

One of them was me and the other one was a guy who he insisted was a critic.

It's going to be a big show.

There's critics coming along from the Guardian.

Two people.

It was right at the front and it was so embarrassing.

Good stuff.

Well, you know, I'm quite glad that Text the Nation is behind us.

Thank you for everybody who a lot of people did text an email.

And that's not to belittle the contributions of anyone.

We were the people that mishapped.

We set the parameters wrongly.

I mean, I thought of the idea, but then Adam encouraged me.

I said I didn't think it was good enough.

I said, are you confident?

Have you got stuff to launch it?

You said, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, listen music quickly no no yeah, it was good.

It was good.

It was good now We're gonna play this track or I'm worried that we're not gonna get our free plays in you know I it gets sometimes Too late to play the free plays and I get very anxious and upset well spent a while It's my one next isn't it is it what were we going to play?

Where's my one?

Yeah, okay, you play Supercar.

Okay, this is a Japanese band called Supercar.

This is a track called Recreation, and they sing in Japanese, but you can imagine that they're... You can imagine British words, you know, English words.

You can pretend you know what they're saying, because it sounds almost like English.

I was going to bring some Japanese stuff in this morning.

What made you feel Japanese?

I just really like this track.

Supercar recreation.

That was nice, man.

Thanks.

Little bit of supercar there.

Sounds very good in the headphones, that one.

Does it?

Lots of panning and all that sort of business.

Beautifully produced.

Yeah.

A lot of Japanese music is very well-induced.

They're brilliant.

They're huge in Japan, supercar.

Is that the end?

That's the end.

That's just a bit of info.

Are they still huge?

I think so.

Because they were huge when we were out there for our show.

Yeah, no, they're a proper big proposition.

I think maybe someone listening in Japan will tell us what their latest situations are.

Not all their music is like that.

They do.

They have a very varied skill set.

Very varied skill set.

Well done.

An enormous skill set you have.

Different skills in your set.

Can you remind me of having a look at your skill set?

Can I touch it?

Oh, it's a beautiful skill set.

How much would you sell it to me for?

Is it clean?

It's very, it seems clean, your skill set.

Do you clean it?

We got a nice gift from someone called Nat Miller.

He sent an exciting box.

Always nice to get a little parcel, isn't it?

We got a parcel.

Dear Adam and Joe, I decided to make models of you in the form of bats to thank you for all the laughs I get from your podcasts.

That's nice of you.

Thanks.

Unfortunately, he says this grand idea has curdled into two evil looking bats.

For this, I'm sorry.

I thought I'd send them to you anyway.

They're brilliant bats.

We've got them right here.

One of them is short and has a sort of woollen beard and many very sharp teeth.

They're beautifully made.

One of them is tall and thin and just has two teeth and no beard.

And they are sort of posable.

You could animate with these.

You could do stop motion with them.

They're properly stitched and everything.

They're very nice indeed.

Thank you so much, Nat.

But you know it's bittersweet for me because I currently am having a war with bats.

Because I'm trying to build a studio, right?

Out of town.

And I'm trying to convert a barn.

And you have to go through, you have to jump through all kinds of hoops so as not to upset the bats.

They're protected, aren't they?

They are protected and have been protected since the early 80s, I think.

But they are protected to a ridiculous degree, like to an insane degree.

And you have to, if it's found out that there's any bats nesting anywhere in the property that you want to do building work on, you have to go through all kinds of, make all kinds of insane planning applications and stuff.

You have to have surveys done.

You can't do any building while they're nesting there.

You have to wait till September when the bats move out and stuff.

I MEAN IT'S A WORLD GONE CRAZY!

Again, you know, and anything that doesn't, that gets in the way of your way of behaving is labeled as insane.

It is insane.

The bats are precious.

I don't want to, they are precious.

I don't want to kill the bats.

Can't they live somewhere else?

That's true, can't you rehab it?

No, but that's probably why they're protected though.

They've got special mating systems that me may have to... Come on.

What about the natural world as well?

They can't find somewhere else in the natural world to live upon.

What are you going to do about it?

Are you going to have to build a special bat area?

No, you can't do anything about it.

If the bats are there, you're stuffed.

Really?

So does it mean you can't convert this barn?

Yes.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

It's really sort of miserable.

I love bats.

You know, everyone loves the bats.

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you love a big plague-carrying rat beast that just left guano everywhere?

You know, they're great.

Aren't they great?

And they do have to be protected, certainly, and I'd love to abide by, and I will abide by, the rules that protect them.

But it's insane!

It's insanity.

It's a world gone mental, upside down world.

The bats are ruling the place.

So now, every time I see a film, every time I hear about Batman, the Batman, the Dark Knight, I just think you are a git, the Dark Knight.

You and your bat friends.

You know?

Thirty pence.

Okay, we're going to have to say goodbye very shortly, but here's a little bit more music for you now.

This is Gomez with Airstream Driver.

That's very good.

Is that new Gomez?

Very nice.

Airstream Driver.

Well, that's pretty much it for our show today, ladies and gentlemen.

It's been a strange journey, as usual.

It's been a bit ramshackle this week.

Not usually the brilliantly slick professional show that we churn out with impressive regularity.

we'll ever do a show where at the end of it we just say, that was very slick.

I mean, we really nailed it there, didn't we?

Next week.

Next week's the one.

Excellent.

Next week's going to be amazing.

It's going to be really slick.

Text the Nation's going to be brilliant.

We're going to have some amazing anecdotes.

We're going to support each other.

Yep.

Going to enhance each other's anecdotes.

It's going to be nice.

It's just going to be incredible

Do not miss next week.

No.

And by the way, don't forget that you can listen to this show again in all kinds of different ways.

Listen again, the iPlayer.

You can download a podcast which comes out either on Monday evening or Tuesday morning, depending on whether the Big British Castle needs extra screening time for all the problematic stuff contained therein.

But it's always good and it contains an opportunity for you guys to interact with the podcast in a feature we call Retro Text the Nation.

So don't miss out on that.

Hey, and I should point out that Supercast split up in 2005, somebody's told us after a final goodbye concert.

That was the Japanese band whose record we played a while ago.

yet again up to the minute music news on the Adam and Jo radio show.

Although we are going to leave you with a new track from an album that may not even be released yet.

This is Richard Swift and his album is called The Atlantic Ocean and it's very unusual and enjoyable sounding.

Hope you enjoyed this title track from it.

Thank you very much for listening.

Thanks for all your texts and emails and join us again next week at the same time.

Liz Kershaw is coming up so stay tuned.

Bye.

Cheerio.