The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (07 March 2009)

Hello and welcome to the Big British Castle.

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in between.

Wow, there you go.

That was Say Aha by Santo Gold.

And I've got some important, exciting news for you listeners.

This is Adam and Joe, by the way.

I'm Adam.

Hey, I'm Joe.

And the exciting news is that at the end of last year, right, there were rumours in the press that Santo Gold, who he just played, had changed their name to Santee Gold.

They changed the A to an I. Right, these were just rumours.

And they were found out to be incorrect.

Who's written that note?

Is that you, Ben?

Oh, Ben.

And then he's put... After that, it goes full stop.

What a stranger rumour.

He's made a typo.

It's sweet that you make all the effort, but you just get... You even... You get it wrong.

It's very endearing.

Listen.

That sounds like bullying of Ben, our producer, at the top of the show.

He loves it.

Anyway, he's going away on a motorbiking trip next week, aren't you, Ben?

Are you going motorbiking?

Yeah, he's going on a Charlie Borman and Ewan McGregor style.

Yeah, you are.

That's why you're doing it.

Who's going to be McGregor and who's going to be Borman?

Are you going to be Borman?

No.

No one wants to be Borman.

They're both lovely chaps.

Exactly.

They're both roughly tough D fans.

Motorcycle men.

Last week, listeners after the show, I, Joe Cornish, left the studio and there was a mother and a daughter standing outside the studio.

Not immediately outside the doors.

And a son.

And I didn't see the son.

He was little, but he was there.

They were standing there and as I left, they shouted, Steven!

So I shouted, coming!

And waved.

Ah, well done.

And then when we came in this morning, they've sent, those very people have sent a beautiful glittery card.

Their names are Chloe, Peter and Anne.

Chloe's 10, Peter's 7.

And the mum, it's wrong to say a lady's age, isn't it?

But she's a lovely lady.

And they've sent in a very nice card saying that, I'm assuming she's a lovely lady.

Yes, you are.

She thinks she isn't.

No, no, she's definitely out.

Okay, you just laughed.

I thought maybe you knew something I didn't know about.

No, no, I was laughing at the idea that you think it's wrong to say a lady's age.

It is!

That's one of the oldest rules in the Man Chivalry book, surely.

Just makes me chuckle when it comes out of your locker, though.

Why?

I don't know, because I don't associate you with Man Chivalry.

I've got a very chivalrous locker.

Yeah, that's true.

Anyway, so, uh, wow, you've confused me now.

I'm sorry, I derailed you.

You've derailed me.

Well, they were a very nice family.

They were very nice, but they've sent in a card, right?

And, uh, they've said that, they say it was so nice to meet Adam.

We were so glad to meet Adam.

We waited for ages.

Uh, blah, blah, blah.

Well done, Joe, for responding.

You aren't moody like Adam says.

I've never called you mood.

You told him I was moody.

No, I'm imagining the conversation now Oh Adam, you're brilliant Joe said coming but then he walked away and Chloe Peter and mum and I walked away because I'm so humble Yeah, I just didn't think they were there for us I thought they were maybe waiting for someone else right and just happened to pop in a casual passing Steven To go over to them and go hi

How you doing?

Like Adam did.

That's not what I did.

Would have been so arrogant.

Hi, fans.

How you doing?

Hey, how you doing, fans?

What do you want?

Autograph or chat?

Maybe you want me to sit down and have a cup of tea with you?

Hey, don't crowd me, all right?

Hey, get that little boy away from me.

That's what was happening in Adam's brain, whereas my brain was going, oh.

Don't know who it was.

Security.

What the hell's this little boy doing?

Get him away from him, for Christ's sake.

You, that's what you would have done.

You would have started holding onto them and struggling with them and shouting, get off me.

Get off me.

Look, I've just done a three hour radio show.

You think I've got better things to do?

Talk to people in the street.

So I wanted to make it clear to Chloe, Peter and Anne that it was purely my humility that kept me from assuming that you were there to see me.

And what an extraordinary display of Adam's out of control arrogant.

that I would, that I would hang around and chat.

Driven by a blast of ego across the pavement.

Now it was genuinely really nice to meet you, Chas.

It was.

And you missed out on Peter's little jacket, is he called Peter?

Yeah.

He had a jacket very much like the one you used to have in the 80s, when you painted things on the side, your sort of top gun jacket.

Yes.

He had lots of... Oh, lots of badges.

And emblems and stuff.

Cool.

He was great.

I missed out.

They've drawn a lovely little a little a picture of the big British castle there Anyway, thank you so much for that.

Yeah.

Well, listen folks.

What a show we've got lined up for you We've got a song wars.

We haven't done song wars for ages No, it's an exciting song wars based on trying to attempting to write the ultimate 80s track Plus what hopefully we're gonna have some more juvenileia a bit later in the show We've got text the nation, of course and of lots of great music dyslexic

Oh, plus we've got a test.

Yeah.

Oh, have we?

Yeah.

Dyslexia test.

Yeah.

Well, that's for later on.

Right now, here's some music.

This is... I love this one.

I didn't choose this, though.

This just happens to be on the playlist.

Psychedelic furs with love my way.

That sounded to me like a duet between Gary Newman and the Thompson twins.

That's what they were like, the psychedelic furs.

Were they?

Yeah.

I would have liked them more at the time if I'd known that.

They were very good.

I mean, they predated.

Actually, they were around about exactly the same time as Numenoid and predated the Thompson twins a little bit.

That track, I think.

He's got one of the great new wave voices.

He's a little bit like David Bowie meets Clint Eastwood.

Is that what that would sound like?

I won't see Gran Torino.

You liked Gran Torino.

I did, I liked it a lot.

I mean, people love that film.

It's just got an overwhelming number of five-star reviews.

Bial said it's the best thing he's ever done.

You didn't find it a little cliche?

No, no, no.

It was playing off his heritage.

It was playing off what we know about Clunk.

That's all Clunk does throughout the whole film.

The thing I like about Clunk Eastwood, right, he famously only does two takes.

Right.

He won't entertain any more than two takes.

If you haven't got it in two takes, you haven't got it.

And you can tell that when you watch Gran Torino, because some of the shots are out of focus.

And some of these, they don't have proper endings, they just whip pan to a plug and then cut or something.

And I like that.

Something refreshing about that.

Absolutely.

He certainly seemed to have knocked it out in a couple of weeks.

Good ending as well.

Don't spoil it for anybody.

I thought the ending was good.

You couldn't see that coming from the very, very beginning of Gran Torino?

No.

Like everything else in Gran Torino?

No, I couldn't actually.

The best bit about it, I thought, was Jamie Cullum at the end, the jazz hobbit.

Well, I bought that in as a free play the other week, because they sing a song, Jamie Cullum and Clunk.

And Clunk has sung a lot in his career.

It's too much, it sounds like.

He's sung a lot in Westerns, but yeah, he's amazingly croaky.

He's really croaky.

They can barely get it out.

the song that is.

And you get the feeling that someone must have said like, Clint, maybe he started off singing the whole song himself.

It's this kind of jazz standard.

Is it a jazz standard?

No, I think it's a Callum composition.

Oh, is it?

It's a nice song.

Anyway, I get the feeling that maybe Clint wanted to sing the whole thing.

No, he passed out after the four lines.

After the first verse.

He had a minor stroke and killed over.

And then Cullum comes in.

He's got a brilliant voice.

I never realised.

Who knew?

I don't know.

I expected him to sound squeaky and ludicrous for some reason.

That's just my own prejudice talking about.

Have you never heard him before?

No.

I never had.

And he's great.

I mean, he sounds wonderful.

Anyway, there you go.

Well, we're going to be playing quite a lot of Jamie Callum on forthcoming shows.

Yeah, well, that would be good, I think.

Yeah.

That would be excellent.

Hey, it's your free choice now, is it?

It is.

What am I going to play?

Oh, yeah, this is some vinyl.

Regular listeners might know that we're playing stuff for vinyl every now and then.

It is from the band Gangstar.

They're a hip-hop band.

Do you know them, Adam?

Gangstar, I remember you and me dancing around to one of their tracks.

DJ in Deep Concentration.

DJ Premier in Deep Concentration.

Yeah, but this isn't that.

This is called Jazz Thing.

It's from the Spike Lee film Mo' Better Blues.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I found it very cliche.

No, I'm joking.

And it's like a kind of history of jazz that Guru's going to give you now, backed by some extraordinary mixes and cut-ups by probably the best DJ in hip-hop, DJ Premier, in my opinion.

He's in deep concentration.

Well, he is right here, and this is not only funky, but it's educational.

That's my favorite mix of things.

That should be taught in schools as well, shouldn't it?

Yeah.

So listen carefully for us.

This is jazz thing.

What a brilliant free play by me, Joe Cornish.

That's what you were saying right the way through the song.

Yeah, I was.

I mean, what a great choice.

Everyone sounded great.

Everyone's enjoying it in the studio and just sort of doing their own thing and reading the papers.

Joe's just sat there and then Halfway 3 goes, I mean, this is a very good song, isn't it?

This is a really good song and it's a very, you know, this is the mix of this song that is not played very often.

And I brought it in and I'm playing it.

And then I said that everyone else in the studio, particularly Adam, should try and, you know, take this in and try and match

match it with their own free play choices.

I'm really going to try.

Try and live up to that choice.

A lot to live up to.

Good choice.

That's big shoes to fill.

Yeah, the history of jazz in one song.

So it's educational, it's groovy.

It's educational, it's groovy.

I'm Keith Richards teaching some sort of hip-hop class.

I ran over like a cat.

Did you hear that from Steve Wright?

No.

Oh, well, I feel corn well.

Anyway, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music, and we've got a new policy on the show, which is to launch Text the Nation, which is one of our two features on the show.

Actually, we've got more features than that.

We've got lots of features.

We've got Juvenilia, we've got Song Wars coming up, but we're going to do Text the Nation to get it going early, right after this trail.

Is it a trail?

You told me it was a trail, Ben!

He said the trail would be at the end of this link.

I ended the link, I ended the link.

Obviously you ended the link, but very prematurely.

I mean, it was humiliating.

Well, luckily that free play was so amazing that I've gained myself a bit of, you know, leeway to mess up.

You can do anything you want, yeah.

Well, listen, let's just ignore the last 20 seconds and go into the Texanation jingle.

Text the Nation!

Text!

Text the Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Text the Nation this week, listeners.

We gave you a little bit of a early warning about it last week.

It's going to be gig etiquette.

Adam and I are both keen live music attendees, aren't we?

Is that fair to say?

I'm keen when I've got the job.

I haven't been to a gig for a long time.

No, no, no, no.

We go to gigs a lot.

We go to gigs all the time.

We love them.

And we've got strong opinions on how people should behave at them.

Absolutely.

So we're looking to draw up a sort of a manifesto for behaviour at live gigs.

And this is also things that would improve the experience of seeing live music, right?

We want 10 bullet points.

I'm not asking you to send in 10 bullet points.

You only have to send in your suggestions for one of the bullet points.

But at the end of the show, we want to end up with a 10-point manifesto for behavior at gigs.

And what's going to happen is this manifesto will be taken around to all live venues by a jackbooted police force in black jumpsuits, white motorcycle helmets with electric prods, like in THX 1138.

And it'll be enforced.

And whilst making life scarier, it'll also improve the behavior and people's enjoyment of gigs.

We could get the pigeon detectives to enforce it.

I imagine it's the kind of thing they would enjoy.

You think so?

Yeah, they're rough boys.

Really?

And they love live music.

You sounded excited by that.

I am a little bit.

So text us.

I'm not sure what the text number is.

24046?

No.

64042. 64046.

This is dyslexia, dyslexia, isn't it?

Yeah, numerological.

Does it cover numbers as well, dyslexia?

I don't know.

We're going to find out later in the show.

But listen, here are some suggestions.

And I think this is a subject that's covered quite regularly by Word magazine.

Yeah.

And possibly by every other radio show in the world.

But we're going to make it different.

Plus we've done it as well.

Have we done it in the past?

I think so, yeah.

While we're doing it again.

We're going to make it exciting and different.

Here are some ideas.

Idea number one, audiences at gigs should be positioned in height order.

That's brilliant.

Now, as a tall man, I'm being sacrificial here because obviously I would be relegated to the back.

Yeah, but you'd still be able to see, wouldn't you?

Exactly.

I think when you buy your ticket, you have to give them your measurements.

Yeah.

Uh, or maybe it would be included in your new government chipped ID card.

Uh, when, when the, um, you know, THX style state begins, we'd all have chipped ID cards.

But when you buy your ticket, you have to tell them your height and then you get allocated a special area of the auditorium where you won't be obscuring the view of the person standing behind.

And would you do, would you be super strict about, I was thinking, what about just having an enclosure?

Couples would be split up.

If there's a small lady who goes out with a tall woman.

Right.

You know, say what you need to say, then you won't see them until the end of the gig.

That seems extreme.

Well, but it's for the greater good.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

What about just having an enclosure for short people?

That's voluntary.

Well, that's a better idea.

And so... With some straw.

Yeah.

Well, you don't have to have straw in the enclosure.

We could.

And an electric fence.

No.

Just to enclose you where the short people can stand if they want that's near the stage, but you have to be short.

You're not allowed in if you're tall.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

That's quite a good idea.

That's voluntary.

But I agree with you that some legislation needs to be put down about height.

number two idea number two for bands below a certain decibel okay all bands are given a decibel rating right the volume at which they play fleet foxes would be a good example of a quiet yeah absolutely for bands below a certain decibel there is silence enforced during songs okay no loud singing along

I paid to hear the Fleet Foxes, not Kev from Teddington, singing along to the Fleet Foxes right next to me.

You know?

Right.

So that's another thing, a decibel rating.

And so for metal bands and rock bands where the music's so loud that you can't hear the person next to you singing along, that's fine.

But if it's a quiet gig or a jazz gig or the Fleet Foxes, enforced silence.

And what about if some of the music is loud and some is quiet?

Hmm, well those bands aren't allowed to play.

Because they're too inconsistent.

Yeah, they're too inconsistent.

Bands, that's something bands have to do.

They have to meet us halfway, they have to have a consistent volume.

Right, and so if you're a band like Radiohead... I mean all bands are like that anyway now, because their music is compressed for iPods, isn't it?

Right.

I was reading a thing in the paper that said all bands are loud now.

They're too loud.

Because for iPods it's all compressed and there's no nuance anyway.

Right, but when they're playing live though, I mean, you've got some loud songs and you've got some quiet songs and you structure your set to go loud.

Right, so now what you have to do is you have to declare whether it's going to be a loud set or a quiet set.

Maybe some sort of a light above the stage that tells people whether talking is allowed.

That's a good idea, yeah.

Yeah, have you got any?

Yes, I was thinking, actually, this was suggested by someone else in the studio last week.

I can't remember who.

Maybe it was Liz Kershaw's producer.

But it was the notion that fridges, beer fridges, should be switched on and kept switched on until the very end of the gig.

Right.

That's sometimes not the case.

What's the problem there?

Well, they switched them off or... They sort of shut the bars before the gig ends.

Well, they don't coordinate the chilling of the beers properly at all.

Sometimes you get all disgusting warm beer.

I mean, it's not a problem if you've got draft beer, I suppose.

So you're saying that cold beer should be available all the way through the gate?

Yeah, very cold beer, ice buckets of beer in some fashion, or just fridges that actually work.

Another of my ideas is to serve beer with lids on.

Yeah.

So you don't get it spilled all over you the whole time.

Right, like little coffees.

Yeah, whose idea was it to have hundreds of people crammed tightly together and then fill, you know, squeezy, fragile plastic cups to the brim with beer.

It's like some ridiculous, it's a knockout game or something.

Yes, exactly.

Trying to shove through all the people.

You've got two inches of beer left.

Never mind.

That's right.

That's a very good idea.

Thanks.

Yeah.

And straws, maybe.

You can have straws that would get people drunk too fast, right?

Yes, that's true.

But you could have little, you know, like you say, coffee shops, sippy cups.

Yeah.

Sippy cup caps.

Or bit... or patches.

Patches.

Can you do patches for alcohol?

What do you mean patches?

Like nicotine patches, you know what I mean?

Oh, instead of actually having fluid.

Yeah.

No, you haven't.

I thought you just meant nice patches with patterns on them.

No, listen, why don't we come back and have some more of these?

After the news in the second half hour six four zero four six is the text number for your suggestions for our gig behavior manifesto This is Adam and Joe on BBC six music.

It's 9 30 and it's time for the news extraordinary noise.

That's Danny black.

He's alone

He's all alone?

He's alone!

Oh, well, it's all right.

He's got glasses like a cassette.

Have you seen that picture?

No, let's have a look.

Bernard Producer puts little pictures of some of the bands to give us a talking point and this guy, Dan Black, has got a pink cassette and he's cut a triangle out of the middle bottom so that it sits on his nose and he's looking through the spools as if they're glasses.

That's quite good, isn't it?

That's brilliant.

I can't believe no one's done that before.

I know.

Wow.

That's amazing.

Well done, Dan Black.

Very good.

It looks slightly precariously balanced.

You have to stand very still.

Maybe he's put little ear, you know, what are they called?

Ear things.

What are the things that hold glasses onto your ears called?

Arms.

On them.

Fingers.

He has a nice face though.

I mean, you can't see the eye part of the face because it's obscured by the cassette.

But he looks like a handsome man and he's got a nice haircut there.

Yeah.

He's fashionable.

It says apparently he's done a wicked cover of the notorious B.I.G.'

's Hypnotise.

Mm-hmm.

Which is on YouTube.

It's a fun fact.

It's applied by Ben on our fact sheet.

That's a good fact.

That's all happening.

And that I like the fact that... Excuse me, I'm getting a bit emotional about it, Ben.

I like the fact that I was gonna say something so banal, I'm not even gonna say it.

Go on, say it.

I like the fact that the aspect ratio is correct on the picture.

It's not squash.

Sometimes you print out pictures that are a bit squashy off the internet.

This one is just right.

Noted from last week.

Yeah, thanks very much.

Now listen, folks, we often get a lot of egg corns sent in to us because it's something that we've talked about previously on this program.

And there was a couple that made me chuckle that came in this week.

Just to remind you, an egg corn is a misheard word or phrase, right?

I mean, I think they're called egg corns.

I think we may have got the definition slightly Not wrong, but not accurate enough, right?

I think there's another level to it because some people have emailed us in about that as well That it has to it's something about it's suggesting Suggesting I don't know.

I don't know.

I wish I'd never started saying this.

Yeah, let me think about it I'll come back to you.

I bet you do.

I mean that was disastrous Disaster radio there, but no, you know, it comes from the fact that

uh, if you mishear- mishear the word acorn, you might think that it was the word eggcorn, right?

So, in a similar vein, well, here's some examples that'll make you understand if you don't already.

This is from Johnny X, Bracken- Johnny X. Will Baxter, and he says, in fact, I think he's the Johnny X ages ago that sent something in that we- He suggested-

call yourself Johnny X. Don't put your full name.

Oh, right.

Because I think Will Baxter, ages ago, suggested a blow-dry clip, the clip of the bad accent.

Oh, yes.

Which we played.

Josh Hartnett.

Yeah, and we forgot what his name was.

We called him Johnny X. There we go.

So it's Will Baxter.

Giving him a cool new name.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, Will says, my friend just told me that he was going to Portugal for some rest bite.

I didn't know how relaxing that would be.

That's good.

That's like, rest is a delicious snack.

Yeah.

And he's having a little bite of it.

So he means rest bite, obviously.

And yeah, rest bite.

Mmm.

And here's another one from Nick.

And he says, Hi Adam and Joe, I've got an egg corn for you.

It came from one of my colleagues who often comes out with things like this.

On this occasion, we all felt about laughing and made little effort to hide our amusement.

For he shall remain nameless, said about one of our workmates, He's the vein of my life."

That would mean he is your lifeblood, wouldn't it?

Yes.

Yes, I'm saving you.

It would mean that his mere presence is like your jugular, providing your essential, essential...

It's nice that you stepped in after that laugh that you did.

Thanks, now I'm struggling.

After the laugh, after I said he's the vain in my life, your laugh is...

You know, I've had that idea, actually, to go through our podcasts and pick out the most insincere laughs, because there are sometimes some very insincere laughs.

There's laughs when, yeah, when you're just trying to support your co-broadcaster, you know?

Just keep things ticking over.

I do know.

But there's clearly no actual amusement behind the laugh.

Yeah.

Dead laughter.

Yeah.

Do me a laugh now.

Do your most convincing laugh now.

My most convincing one?

Yeah.

Well, I could really go over the top or just a regular one.

It's got to be convincing.

I've got to think that... I've got to think... Was that it?

Yeah.

That was quite good.

You see, I'm convinced by that one.

Right.

I don't think I'm as good as you.

No, well, I have to use my fake laugh on you a lot.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I did.

It sounded very insincere.

Very insincere.

What did you say you have to use your fake laugh a lot?

A lot.

Really?

Yeah, because some of the stuff you say is so lame.

How rude!

There you go.

That was a real one.

But this one... I went wrong.

This is absolute rubbish.

What are we talking about?

Fake laughter.

It's an important component of love.

What's the best... Can you do like a really over the top fake laugh?

That doesn't sound real, that sounds silly.

Yeah, well that's another technique folded into it, which is to get the person to leave.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're really funny, but I'm hysterical, so go away.

How about this?

Does that sound real?

It sounds like a kind of Victorian era laughing policeman.

Right, looks like a sound effect.

Sort of a BBC sound effects record, yeah.

Quite good though, didn't you think?

Yeah, I think you've got a fake laugh that goes kind of like that.

It has a high note at the end.

Oh, we know the one you mean.

That's I know that's one of your fake ones.

That's so funny.

It's just five.

Yes.

Yeah, exactly Anyway, I'm exhausted.

Um, should we play some Marvin Gaye right now?

This is what's going on.

What is going on?

What the hell's going on?

Yeah, that's uh, an American soul singer called Marvin Gaye.

Is he actually gay?

He isn't no and that's proved by the fact that there's an E on the end

Oh, right.

Did he even put that E on the end?

I think he did.

Because he didn't want people to think he was a homosexual soul singer.

That's a shame.

He was very insecure.

Right.

Well, it was a different time, wasn't it?

Yeah.

In the old days.

Shall we have song wars?

Okay, then.

so check it out it's time for song wars and if you're a new listener this is the part of the show where Adam and I go away uh there's more to it don't get excited we're not going to leave we go away and record songs based on a theme and we do them entirely ourselves

using our laptops, and then we battle them.

We're going to play you both songs, my song and Adam's song, and we invite you to vote for the one you like best via email.

Is that right, Ben?

No text votes are allowed, are they?

No, you have to vote via email.

The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk And next week we will announce which one is one and play that one and it'll be like crowning the king of music.

And then neither song will ever be heard ever again by anybody ever.

No, that's true.

Someone asked me if we were going to do a song wars volume two because we did a song wars volume one.

an iTunes album, but there's no plans currently for volume 2.

Well, we're going to release them in some way.

We're going to figure that out.

Yeah.

But anyway, this week's theme was the ultimate 80s song.

Right.

Because we've observed that the 80s is all trendy again with acts like La Rue and that's the only one I can think of at the moment.

Empire of the Sun.

Yeah, the kind of 80s thing is very much back in vogue.

So we thought we might try and cash in that by writing the most sort of quintessentially 80s songs we could, right?

And the only stipulation we had was that it should feature a spoken word passage, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

We observed that as one of the tropes of 80s songs.

Yeah.

A little sort of spoken word bit by the singer.

So I'm tossing a coin heads or tails at him.

I call heads to go first.

It's tails.

You go first.

OK, my track listeners is a kind of attempt to recreate Trevor Horn era ABC.

Oh, wow.

That's ambitious.

I know.

It's a bit overly ambitious.

I was trying to, you know, squeeze out of garage band Trevor Horn style, you know, and for younger listeners, Trevor Horn had a very sort of bombastic orchestral style.

And the ABC album, Lexicon of Love, is probably the most extraordinary workout of that style.

So I was trying to recreate that sound and I was trying to do a Martin Fry impression.

This is basically an ABC song.

Yeah.

And just to understand what's happening in this song, you've got to kind of think of Martin Fry, the lead singer of ABC.

He's in his house or maybe in the studio and he's singing one of his over the top 80s, lush, funk ballads.

When he's interrupted by his backing singer or girlfriend with some petty domestic concerns and things go downhill.

hill from there.

Wow.

So this is just called Incredible Song.

So here's song number one, Incredible Song.

When the world is like a huge potato And it looks as though you've had your chips You thought that you could trust the captain

Now you're sailing on a sinking ship Let's go anywhere Don't interrupt my vocals I can't find it It's under the stairs No, it isn't Won't you leave me alone when I'm singing This incredible song No one understands my 80s genius Or perhaps you're just a melodramatic ponce

How dare you?

I'm leaving I can't stand your stupid face

I'm amazing.

You are average.

Got your purpose.

It's just my style of sin.

And now it isn't.

You called me a punk.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'll stay if you say that you love me.

And my incredible song.

Okay, I love you and your incredible song.

Good, cause I'm hungry.

Now make me my tea.

Wow.

There we go.

That's just a glimpse into the, you know, the domestic problems of an over-the-top 80s singer.

That is extraordinary.

I mean, that's overwhelming.

The thing is... I mean that.

That was sincere.

You can actually sing.

That's a thing that you have over me in the whole Song Wars thing.

And so it means... Not sure that that's true.

It means... You've sung a very nice ballad for your lady wife on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, it was a little histrionic.

But anyway, for vocal stylings, you nailed Martin Frey.

I mean, that was... That's very nice of you to say.

That was amazing.

You know, generally, I have nailed Martin Frey.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Everyone would like to in his gold lame pants.

Uh, I went for someone whose vocal stylings I thought that I could approximate a little more easily.

I went for Phil Okey.

Ah, good choice.

But he's hard because he kind of sings quite low, so I thought it would be easy, but actually it's difficult to make it instead of punch through the track.

You know what I mean?

With Song Wars, when you start out on a song like that, you very seldom have time to stop and restart.

Yeah.

Sometimes you just have to, uh, you have to go the whole hog, don't you?

Yes.

The whole Lindsay Hogg.

But my, what I did, I mean Phil Okey is just one of the many vocal influences that is in my track as you will hear.

The Okey-Vokeys.

Yeah.

The Okels.

It's a mishmash of all kinds of different bits of the 80s in one track.

In fact, I think maybe I've overloaded it.

But I won't say any more.

I'll just play you, this is just called 80s Song.

One thing that I really hate is how we are no longer in the 80s I wish Doc Brown from Back to the Future could take me back there now in his glory and calm

I'm going back to the 80s, a decade of fun You could make lots of cash in gender bending the sun You could dress like a commerce or a pirate from space And draw wavy lines on your face

Margaret Thatcher, shoulder pads, new kids on the block, fresh, body popping, funny Eddie Murphy, metal Mickey, a day glow sock, New York girls who dressed all slutty, boys from Camden who were nutty, the king of pop when he was black, um, shack attack.

I live in the Aces, my life is fantastic I've got a giant fat made of money and plastic I play space invaders, I drive a C5 What a great time to be alive This is a sample of James Brown Scratching, scratching, scratching I'm a sexy woman

We had the Beastie Boys for tea, their behaviour was disgraceful They vomited on Adam Ant and boy George got a face full Adrock broke my Rubik's Cube and Mike Dee punched Rick Astley MCA watched MTV, the whole thing was just ghastly The 80s were destroyed by the Beastie Boys

They were so rude and made a terrible noise Why did they have to shout at the end of every line?

They followed and everything was fine Oh, take me back today, it's horrible here There's crappy 80's music, unemployment and fear Oh wait, they had those then, of course I nearly forgot In fact, things haven't changed a lot

Wow, I like the one syndrome hit in the middle of that.

Boink, boink towards the beginning.

That's very good.

So there you go, listeners.

Those are the two Song Wars songs this week.

Song number one was Joe's song.

Incredible song.

Song number two was Adam's song.

80's song.

Brilliant names there.

Yeah.

The 80's song.

And I noticed that we both used the word ponce as part of our lyrical package.

Well, it's one of the key 80's

words.

It's the ultimate 80s word isn't it?

Defining buzzwords.

It's the ponce decade.

It was when it was fine to be a ponce.

That's why we liked it so much.

It was encouraged.

Yeah exactly it was a good thing and hey hopefully those times are coming round again.

Ponce times.

It's time for a free play of mine right now.

Can I remind people where to vote for those songs?

Vote please by email adamandjo.6musicatpbc.co.uk you can vote if you're listening again or listening on the podcast you can vote any time up to close of business on Friday they'll be counted next Saturday morning.

I think we're going to play those songs again before the end of today's show.

But right now, it's time for a free play, a bit of real music.

This is one of my favourite bands.

This is Spoon.

And this is a track called The Agony of La Fite.

And it's one of those tracks that's actually very bitter.

It was written about an A&R guy who ended up dropping the band and sort of stabbing them in the back a little bit.

I hate A&R guys.

So, you know, and especially he was called Ron Lafitte.

I hate Ron Lafitte.

So Spoon wrote this song, like, all about how much they, how bitter they were about it.

And usually songs like that leave a bad taste in the mouth, right?

But this one is sweet.

You know, if you're gonna have, like, a bitchy song written about you, then you can't beat this one.

This is The Agony of Lafitte by Spoon.

Text-a-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

It doesn't matter.

Text.

Now, I haven't had a chance to prepare many Texanations, because I was eating a chocky bar.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Is that a good excuse?

Absolutely.

That's fine.

Incidentally, listeners, you just heard My Girls by Animal Collective.

That's a very good album that they've just released, and that's a track from it.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music, and yes, we are rejoining Texanation, the theme of which this week

is gig etiquette.

Specifically, we are trying to compile a manifesto containing 10 points that will improve the gig-going experience for people all over the world.

Here's a couple more of mine.

Making way for someone to move past you.

Yes.

You're packed in a crowd and someone starts pushing past you, so you politely sort of create a space that wasn't there by pushing yourself really close to your partner or something to let the person step through.

And they step into that space and just stay there.

Do you ever get that?

That's awful.

You've compressed yourself in an uncomfortable way to let them pass and they interpret that space as a space they can occupy.

Yeah, wrong.

Wrong.

Bad.

My number nine was guys who take their shirts off and then start falling into people.

Mm-hmm.

Like, what's the thinking there?

There's always several people at every kind of gig who think it's amusing just to be out of control and fall over on everybody.

That's a young person's thing.

Is that slam dancing?

Maybe that's a little bit of slam dancing, Grandpa.

If you haven't realized, listeners, Text the Nation this week is all about gig behavior.

We're trying to build up a 10-point manifesto to improve live music.

I thought you were going to say, if you haven't realized, we're both very old.

That was a fake laugh.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, no, I think that's fair enough, though, isn't it?

You can't stop people, exuberant young people from stripping off.

Yes, you can.

The police can, if you let electric prods depict the pigeon detectives.

Ow!

Exactly.

Right.

So here are some suggestions.

What's your problem with that?

You just don't like being basked into by naked men.

Well, I don't like, yeah, topless men falling into me.

Something to love that, though.

I don't know how to respond.

Oh, sorry, mate.

Caress them.

That would freak them out.

Lick the sweat off them.

That would stop them, at least.

Yeah.

Oh, what?

Did you just lick me?

I might start them.

Yeah, maybe.

Who knows what could happen?

Well, you could go down an exciting new avenue.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Here's one that I thought of, right?

A point for the manifesto.

And this is to cover, like, when you go to the lavvy, right?

Sometimes during a boring song, everyone will go to the lav at the same time.

And you might get stage fright when you're all queued up at the urinal.

This is more a man thing than a woman thing.

And so you're all lined up at the urinal during the boring song, you get a bit of stage fright.

And as you're straining to do your whistle-wazzle, you get an airborne toxic event, right?

And it's very humiliating and embarrassing.

And so I was thinking what would be nice is if they just have very loud music playing in the labs.

I mean, you get that sometimes anyway.

But a lot of the time at a venue, you'll go into the lab and it'll suddenly, there'll be no sound.

And it'll be all eerily quiet.

I mean, there might be a couple of drunken yobs discussing things, but sometimes it can be very quiet.

That's a good idea.

And a bit of a humiliating event.

Without music in the labs.

Yeah, to cover up events.

Yeah.

Here are some that have come in from listeners.

Tom says,

at the gig.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Doesn't it make you just a superfan?

I suppose it does.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with it.

I wouldn't get annoyed about it.

Well, Tom's annoyed.

Tom's furious.

Tom, I think that's a good suggestion.

Yeah, you reckon?

Yeah, I think the point of this manifesto is just to be a bit, sort of, fistic.

Yeah, just a little bit.

Right.

Here's one from Amy in London.

She says, my suggestion for gig etiquette would be no snogging.

or no over-the-top snogging at least.

There's nothing worse than getting stuck behind a couple really going for it.

This happened to me at a Radiohead gig years ago and nearly ruined their rendition of Airbag.

Hmm.

I like the fact that she says that you're allowed sort of snogging but no over-the-top snogging.

Because that gives the police something to do.

Heavy petting.

Yeah, they just watch.

And then at a certain point when things sort of step over a slightly nebulous line.

Mm-hmm.

I guess, what would that line be though?

What like hands down pants and things like that?

No, that's not really snogging, is it?

I think just in your world it is.

I don't know, I think that's up to the police's discretion.

That isn't snogging, is it?

That is up to the police's discretion, right?

Yeah.

I think when it gets a bit too erotic.

Right, when they start drooling and the eyes are closed and their heads are all winding around and maybe moaning as well.

Do you agree with that one though?

No, I think I think it's what's wrong with snogging.

Come on You'd like it.

I like a bit of you should move a little closer to the snogging Certainly brushing the lady try squeeze between them and guess Pop your tongue in just in case they don't notice

hang on a second you weren't too far why wouldn't do that because you're suggesting i would go in and pop my tongue into someone else's mouth while they was not well we've heard about your toothbrush activities we know your oral hygiene standards are low yeah well ash from south pems says big fat hairy blokes must remain fully clothed at all times that's a very good i mean that's a good rule just for life in general when it gets hot and stuff you know

Melanie in Strepford says, hi Adam and Jo, I think no ponytails allowed worn high on the head at gigs, therefore no flicking it in the face of the person behind.

A lot of these just have to do with being in a crowd.

Well exactly, I think if you're going to stand in the mosh pit, you take your chances, you know what I mean?

You can't legislate for that.

I think that's an area within the mosh pit area.

Maybe there should be clearer definitions for where that area is.

There should be a zone, a mosh zone.

When you go into the mosh zone, you are not covered by any of the regulations.

It's a little demilitarised zone and you can just go nuts.

And you can break all of these rules.

That's a good idea.

But outside the mosh zone, you will obey the manifesto.

Good idea.

One last one from Johnny.

He says, no taking photos or videos on mobile phones.

Oh, that's well.

Where do people put those videos and photos, the people who like film a three minute section of a concert from the middle of the crowd in what's presumably pretty bad MP3 quality audio?

What do they do with those?

They put them on YouTube.

And then if you're a fan of the band, if you're a superfan, you'll go and you'll type in the name and you'll just get loads and loads of rubbish MP3s of them.

It seems something pointless.

It's totally pointless.

Completely distorted.

It's very modern.

But I guess you get a little thrill, I suppose, to watch it.

Not anymore.

No.

Band.

Good.

Band.

That's something

If you've got a contribution for our gig etiquette manifesto, please text us on 64046 or email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk Ben, are we just about to play What I Am by Edie Brickell and the new Bohemians?

That one, right?

Was this on an advert like ages ago in the 90s and stuff?

I don't know, we could make him skip it.

Yeah, because weren't you going to start doing that, going through the playlist?

Yeah, I've forgotten to do that.

Do we not want to play that?

Let's play it anyway, because I mean, it was fun.

People liked it, right?

We want to make people happy.

You like it, right?

Did you pick it even?

No.

Yeah.

Let's hear it.

Maybe it's improved with age.

This is What I Am by Edie Brickell.

I mean, that's like a quintessential 90s sound.

isn't it wouldn't you say yes that reminds me of friends the TV show and coffee bars and indeed on into the noughties it reminds me of Apple stores you know the Apple Mac computer store yes where they have people loads of people wandering around being individuals thinking of what they're gonna when they're gonna update their blogs and making appointments for the genius going to the genius bar genius

The thing that makes me laugh is that they don't chuckle when they actually refer to each other as geniuses.

But they take it seriously.

None of them crack a smile.

They have to.

And I can't take it seriously.

Every time they say, oh, you're going to need to see a genius, I just laugh.

They do good courses there, though.

Right.

Yeah, a friend of mine doing a Photoshop course, it's like a quid or something.

Seriously.

Really?

Zach is, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a bit of personal chat there, listeners.

Are we on?

Yes, we are, yeah.

Hello.

Hey.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's time for a flea, a flea, a flea play.

Yeah, you're going to pray to some fleas.

Yeah, I'm going to pray to fleas.

This is a kind of a plug for a forthcoming film.

Oh.

But I was raving about Gran Torino to you, Adam Buxton, and we've just been discussing how disappointed Adam Buxton was with Gran Torino.

I was expecting something different.

And Joe raised your expectations.

You very intelligently pointed out that if you sort of look at it as like a Western but set in suburbia and dealing with race relations rather than- Some of its simplistic plot mechanisms are more forgivable and enjoyable.

I was expecting something different.

So now I'm a bit wary about infusing about another film, because maybe people will just be disappointed.

No, your recommendations are usually on the money, I would say.

This is a Swedish vampire film called Let the Right One In, and it's terrific.

It's a sort of arty film, but it's really good.

It's about a little boy living in Sweden in the 80s in a sort of housing estate, and a mysterious neighbour moves in, a young girl who he befriends.

And that's all I'd tell you.

It's coming out in a few weeks.

It's really good.

But the title of it, Let the Right One In, is taken from a novel called Let Me In, a big, successful Swedish horror novel, which itself is inspired by a Morrissey track called Let the Right One Slip In.

So I'm going to play that Morrissey track.

This is called Let the Right One Slip In.

And it's not about vampires, this track.

No, I'm not really sure what it's about.

But this is by way of, you know, tipping people off to this forthcoming movie, Let the Right One In.

So here it is, Morrissey.

That's Morrissey with Let The Right One Slip In.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music and we are going to do a bit of jubinilia for you right now, but incidentally we got an email during the week from a chap and I've got it written down here.

Oh, come on.

Here we go.

Um, this is from Robert.

Robert says, dear Adam and Jo, I love your show more than custard, but if you say, juvenilea, instead of juvenilea, one more time, I'll scream.

Cheers, Robert.

He thinks we're using the wrong word there.

Uh, we think he's wrong.

So, what I've done, Robert, is I've looked up, I thought you were wrong about that, uh, so I looked it up, and the dictionary definition... You know how I know he's wrong.

Because that word was introduced, uh, by Louis, Sebastian Thoreau, when we were about...

15 or 16 or something, I remember he used it, and he never gets anything wrong.

You know, he's a smart-ass.

Yeah, especially stuff like that.

Well, yes, and it turns out that it is the right word.

The definition of juvenileia is, one, the literary compositions produced in an author's youth, or two, literary productions intended for the young.

So that refers to literary stuff.

Juvenalia, though, is scenic games instituted by Nero in AD 59.

There you go.

So, what's his name?

The gentleman who called to complain about that.

That was Robert.

It would be wrong to do an undignified display of, you know, but you're sussed.

You're sussed.

IN YOUR FACE!

IN YOUR FACE, ROBERT!

But thanks very much for your email.

And that would be incidentally the wrong thing that we just demonstrated.

We weren't actually doing that.

Yeah, that's the bad thing to do.

That's ignoble.

We were showing what a couple of prats would do.

Yeah.

Which we are not new by no means.

So here's the jingle for Jingle.

This is quite a cloying jingle.

I've got to come up with something better than this.

But this is a real young person doing a bit of singing over our jingle here.

Yay!

Yes, listeners, this is the part of the show where we play bits of stuff that people have recorded.

I'm just explaining what the jingle already explained.

But we were playing some stuff we'd recorded as kids on little tape recorders.

Chiefly, when you're a child and pretending to be a DJ, the kind of thing

we're both still doing here on 6 Music As Adults, but we had more excuse for being so shoddy when we were kids, and we asked you to send in your own version, or your own tapes of pretending to be DJs, and this is one we got from a fellow called Matt Robottom.

Matt says, Dear Adam and Jo, I listen to your show a lot, and when I heard you talking about pretending to be DJs when you were kids, my ears pricked up.

I used to do that, I thought.

How cool!

Then, when you asked us to send in some of our own recordings, I couldn't believe it.

I must send in some of my stuff.

I could actually get played on national radio, albeit sounding like a buffoon.

But how cool would that be, he says.

I know, I still sound like a kid and I'm actually 32.

It's exciting though, me on national radio.

I've always wanted that, he says.

And he says his little history about how I got into it.

He basically he used to make tapes with his dad's double cassette ghetto blaster, right?

I mean that was an entry point for a lot of people as soon as those double cassette things came out.

That was good times He says this all moved on in 1989 when my family moved house, and I ended up in a loft conversion bedroom I wanted my radio shows to sound more professional so with money given to me for my 13th birthday I bought a disco mixer from Tandy and a cheap mic attic radio was born Wow

I roped in my friends and next door neighbours, brothers Thomas and Andrew Fowler to help me.

We also recorded our own jingles, Happy Days.

And so we're going to play three clips right now from Attic Radio.

And it does sound amazingly professional.

I mean, it sounds like it could have been at least hospital radio.

How old was this guy when he recorded?

Thirteen.

At this point.

And I think the thing to point out, as far as I can tell, is that he is not being ironic in any of these clips.

These are sincere opinions that he's expressing.

But because his voice has broken, or has certainly started to break, it sounds as if it might be sort of tongue-in-cheek, but it isn't.

No, it's absolutely sincere.

One hundred percent sincere.

First of all, here he is talking about just fashion trends.

It's a talking point on Attic FM, right?

Here he is.

Okay, if I said to you the word fashion or the word trend, what's the first thing that comes into your mind?

Is it music?

The music that's in the fashion?

Or is it clothes?

I think mainly the most thing that will come into your head is clothes.

Now, what do you wear after school?

Out of school, if you go to your club or something like that, or what do you like wearing?

I've heard that it's actually in the trend to wear a hooded top.

It used to be the trend to wear a shirt with a t-shirt underneath it.

What do you think?

What's your opinion?

Writing to the usual dress, Attic Radio Wells, blah blah blah, you know.

And tell me what you think.

It's not going to get there at that address though, is it?

He's sort of, his sentence construction is quite Italianate, isn't it?

Yeah.

The music that's in the fashion.

He said.

Yeah.

It is in the trend to wear hooded top.

That sounds like Mario.

Yeah, it is Mario.

Super Mario.

That's good.

There he is, so he's covering our fashion trends there on Attic.fm, Mr. Robotum.

He continues to talk about, he plays a bit of Phil Collins, right?

Because there's music in between a lot of these.

He plays a bit of Phil Collins, and then he starts riffing about how much he respects and admires Collins.

And also that takes him into some admiration of Cliff Richard.

Again, it should be noted that all of this is entirely unironic.

In fact, he goes so far as to say that they should actually get some awards, more awards than they've already got.

Let's hear it.

So here he is talking about that.

Phil Collins, I'm hanging long enough.

That's the first track on his album, but seriously, which is being released on Virgin Records.

The reason Phil Collins called that album but seriously is because all the songs are actually based on something real.

And it includes the track Another Day in Paradise which is based on The Homeless.

Things like that.

I think Phil Collins is an amazing singer.

I think Phil Collins and Cliff Richard are the best two male singers there are.

They ought to get in their way.

Speaking of getting an awards, I watched the Smash It poll on a spotter the other night.

What did you think of it?

I don't even know.

Almost number one in the worst dresses.

Look at all the stuff she's wearing now.

She is totally weird.

That was some of the awards that people got.

They really deserved it.

There you go.

He sounds a little bit sarcastic in that one.

He does, but he's not.

I swear to you.

I think he's being... Matt, you can tell us if we're completely misreading the situation.

But if he's going to play Phil Collins on his show, right?

And he genuinely seems to love and admire Collins.

No, you're right.

It's got to be sincere.

He's dead sincere.

He wants them to get more awards.

And Kylie Minokie's scandalised.

What is she wearing?

I never realised all those tracks on that Phil Collins album were based on real things.

They're all based on something real.

That one was based on the homeless.

Stuff like that.

Yeah.

Finally, here he is still riffing on the awards, the smash hit poll winner's party thing that he saw.

And he's talking about the fact that Paula Abdul has won an award for her video with the dancing animated cat, which he's delighted about because he always knew that Abdul was going to be big.

Here he is.

One of the awards I think was given to Paula Abdul and it was actually for the song Opposites of Track and Opposites of Track had an amazing video which was sort of done with cartoon effects and there was DJ Cat Rap and he was in it and she won an award for the video.

When I first saw that, I said, that's going to win and smash its poll winner's party.

And it did.

That is going to win at the smash hits poll winner's party.

Opposites attract.

You heard it here first.

I put money that that's going to get a smash hits gone.

Yeah.

Hello.

Hi, Matt Robottom.

Yeah.

What do you want?

Absolutely.

I'm definitely backing it for a win at the poll winner's party.

Yeah.

That's a shoe in for the smashies.

You can publish that.

OK.

Thanks a lot.

Bye.

That's a good station though attic FM.

I wonder whether um because the thing I like to think about is the fact that no one is listening Yes, exactly this is complete blankness.

I know he doesn't say what he did I mean, I don't know if he circulated the tapes to friends or if it was just for his own amusement I can't believe that it was just for his own amusement because he's really quite slick.

Yeah, he does good He could walk into a job at London Fm or something, couldn't he?

Yes, heart.

On a commercial radio station.

They're fading.

It's beautifully executed.

Man, they would fire Jamie Theexton if he walked in.

You know, for Robottom.

Definitely.

Theexton out.

Robottom in.

Abdul Collins.

Playlist makeover.

Upbeat chat.

Yeah.

Talk about fashion trends.

All the tips for the big awards.

You know, not being unpleasant about people winning awards, just saying they should get more awards.

The stories behind the albums.

I think it's refreshing, man.

It's definitely the way that radio should go.

Based on the homeless.

But stuff like that.

like that.

But Row Bottom doesn't seem to be, Matt, you don't seem to be doing it anymore and he sort of refers to himself as sounding like a buffoon.

I mean, you know, we're being slightly irreverent about some of your stuff.

It's fun to take the Mickey out of kids.

Of course it is.

Don't you think that's the whole point of this segment?

Of course, that's what I was going to say.

You asked for it.

I'm joking.

I'm only joking, Matt.

Thank you so much for sending that stuff in.

You sound great.

And I think it's a shame if you haven't kept up with your DJ, because it sounds like you were good, man.

You were, dare I say it, even better than what was your guy called?

John Scott.

Well, come on.

John Scott was earlier in his career.

Yeah, that's true.

Listen, if you've got similar recordings, specifically you pretending to be a DJ, that's what we really like.

Please, if you can be bothered, pop them into an MP3 file and send them to us here at 6 Music, Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk, because we'd love to hear them and we might play them.

Exactly.

Thank you very much indeed, once again, Matt.

It is just gone 10.30 here on 6 Music.

It's time for the news.

That was feeder, sounding very much like the Foo Fighters with Come Back Around.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Sun's coming out.

It's improving a little bit weather-wise out here in London.

I hope it's nice where you are.

Uh, I'm angry.

Why, what's your problem?

Because the printer keeps printing out upstairs, and this has happened week after week.

Right.

And nothing's being done about it.

And how am I supposed to get the exciting emails if Charlotte has to go upstairs every time?

It's absolutely disgusting.

I mean, we did discuss this last week, Ben, didn't we?

Ooh.

No, we did though, didn't we?

Yes.

And nothing's being done.

Look, Ben, you've made Joe Passive aggressive, all right?

On air.

So what are you going to do now?

What's your next move, Ben?

Yeah, what's your... What do you got?

I think we'll have a two week holiday and go biking, motorbiking in Vietnam with Charlie Borman.

Good idea.

And you'll make you documentary about it?

Pulled all the way there.

Why aren't you not making a documentary, Ben?

It's gonna be on Dave.

about 150 people.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so every time you fall over you get your knee stroked.

You're missing a trick if you... By, by Nersi.

Don't do a thing.

So listen, I, last week I told a story about finding a wallet, one of many stories that I've told on this program which was not supported by... But we've had a follow-up email about it and it says, Dear Adam and Jo, this is from Raina Simpson.

Rainer, thank you for your email.

He says, Adam's exhilarating story, he describes it as exhilarating, about finding a wallet spurred me to get in touch with my own.

I work at a well-known university in London.

You might be able to tell by my email address.

And recently I found a wallet stuffed full with £950 in £50 quid notes with absolutely no identification whatsoever.

As this was more money than I've ever seen in one place in my life, I briefly enjoyed pretending it was my money by locking myself in my office and throwing it in the air while I rolled around the floor giggling.

Bet that's not true.

I bet it is true.

I then returned the money to the wallet and handed it in to our building manager like the model employee I am.

To my knowledge, no one has come forward to ask if the money has been found, adding credibility to my theory that I inadvertently scuppered a drug deal.

Love the show, by the way, says Raina Simpson.

I mean, uh... Don't look coming.

While I was reading that out, you should have been thinking of things to rejoin with about it.

I was, but you know what?

I couldn't think of anything.

That's not good enough.

It's not good enough, is it?

And instead...

I finished reading the email.

I look at you.

You've got a stupid grim on your face.

I'm just suggesting that the only reason you read that email out is because... He described my story as exhilarating.

Exactly.

Correct.

The rest of it, I think, was just filler.

No, it not, what, not, no, no.

No, not, not, what, no.

I mean, he found the wallet, it had 950 pounds in it.

Amazing.

He threw it in the air rolled in it, which I think is probably an exaggeration.

Amazing thing number two, not an exaggeration.

Real, why would he lie?

End of the story, what's the end of the story?

He's covered a drug deal.

Amazing thing number three, that's three amazing things in one story and all you have got... Has he got any evidence for the drug deal?

you've got is a stupid no he scuppered no but he it's just a man he says pure no one came forward to ask for the money that add credibility to his theory the facts of the matter of the following he found a wallet with 950 pounds in which I agree is impressive the end no not the end did he hand it back the money rolling yes he handed it back were you even listening

No, I tuned out by that point.

Clearly you tuned out.

Listeners, if you think it's disgraceful the way that Joe treats my interesting stories, not only my interesting stories, but the interesting stories of fellow listeners, then can we get some kind of petition going?

No, I'm not serious about that.

Don't worry about the petition.

But I think, Rayna, thank you, that was an interesting email, and I am so sorry, I'm so very sorry, about the behaviour of my so-called colleague.

here at the programme, with his silly grin.

Alright?

Look at him.

They can't see my silly grin.

Can't they?

No.

Well, you can imagine it though.

You can hear it, almost.

Er, so listen folks, we're going to rejoin Text the Nation when Joe sorts his printer issues out.

Yes, er, thank you Charlotte.

I, I believe went upstairs to get the printouts.

She looks suitably chastened.

Chasened.

Are you chastened Charlotte?

She's nodding, she's behind glass.

No, she doesn't

Yeah, she's got no respect.

Well, before we do that, let's play some more music.

This is the Yeah Yeah Yeahs with Zero.

That's the new one from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

That's called Zero.

Their new album is out on Monday.

It's called It's Blitz.

Ben, our producer, has informed us on our notes here that it was originally planned for release in April, but some idiot!

says Ben, leak the album.

Ben's absolutely furious about this.

Some idiot leaked the album onto the internet, so they brought it forward.

Ben has just been in a mood about it for weeks.

But now, Ben, it's all over because It's Blitz is coming out on Monday.

I'm so sorry, Ben, about the leak.

Um, and the yayayays are also very upset for you because they know how much it means to you.

But it's all gonna be fine.

That was, uh, zero by the yayayays and I think it's time for the Jingle Jungle now, isn't it?

What if I don't want to?

It doesn't matter text!

Now, Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about building up a manifesto for gig etiquette, behaviour that we think should be enforced at live music venues in order to enhance the pleasure of everybody there.

We've sort of neglected collecting our points, haven't we?

We forgot to actually sort of write them down and put them in an order.

Things that we agreed on.

We agreed on having, like, a demilitarised moshzo.

That's right.

So, order of height we had.

Yeah.

So you have to tell them your height when you buy your ticket and you get positioned in the auditorium depending on your height.

This eliminates the problem of having your view obscured by tall people.

Height declaration.

We had a separate area for either that or a separate area for short people with some straw in it.

Yeah.

And enclosure.

Yeah, with an electric fence and some straw.

Why do they need straw?

We're dehumanizing, isn't it?

Is it?

On behalf of short people, I don't understand why it's implied that we need straw.

Just to keep the floor clean.

What are we going to do?

We're just going to soil ourselves because we're short.

I know that.

And what else did we have?

Loud music in lavatories to cover airborne toxic event embarrassment.

We're not saying that all these make the manifesto.

We're going to have to whittle them down to the best ones at the end.

I tell you a good one was the decibel level.

The bands have to declare if it's going to be allowed.

Right.

Decibel level so you can gauge whether you're allowed to talk or not during the concert.

Quiet bands, no talking.

No talking.

Also lids on beers.

I mean, do they not serve cans any more at these places?

Some... Well, first of all... Because cans are good because you can't really spill a can, can you?

But then I suppose you can lob... health and safety reasons.

Maybe you can lob them and they're dangerous.

Well, if you compacted the can and then... Becomes a missile.

Becomes a dangerous missile.

Yeah, so there's a bit of a conflict there, isn't there?

We want unspillable beer somehow.

I got beer spilled all the way down my back at the Fleet Fox's gig.

You don't even like beer.

I don't really.

Why?

Are you suggesting I would have sucked it out of my trousers?

That's what we beer pants do.

That's what most people do.

Yeah, we like it.

Literally, early in the gig, it was like I weed myself for the rest of the gig.

Sometimes I deliberately try and get someone to spill beer on me so I can get free beer.

Really?

Yeah, I suck it out of my sweater.

Wow, you're like Homer Simpson from The Simpsons.

Have you seen that program?

I have, yeah.

It's brilliant, it's only on Sky.

You know, I saw an amazing thing the other day at a gig.

A beautiful woman, have I told you this already?

Possibly.

She was drinking a bottle of beer.

And she reached back to scratch the back of her head and she just tipped the whole bottle of beer down her back.

But she didn't notice and it just cascaded down her beautiful lady ponytail, down the back of her lovely dress.

Wow.

She had no clue about it.

And I didn't think it was appropriate to let her know, because I thought maybe she would be embarrassed, you know what I mean?

That's a good idea for a spread in men's mag.

Uh-huh.

Just beer all over ladies.

That is a very good idea.

What do you think?

You like that?

I mean, that's a good idea for a whole magazine.

Beery ladies.

Beery birds.

Beer birds magazine.

It's weak.

Jennings.

Paul.

He would have bought a carling over her knees.

Tamsin spilt some stout on her face.