The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (17 January 2009)

That was Mykonos by the Fleet Foxes and is that actually about the Greek resort?

I don't know.

It's one of those records where the sound is so melodious and pleasing I've never actually focused on the lyrics.

Right.

I don't think I've focused properly on any Fleet Foxes lyrics.

No, I'm going to do that with a band.

I'm not a big lyric focuser anyway.

Really?

I'm not really fast.

I don't know what they're on about.

They could be, I don't know, singing about anything.

Yeah.

Anything.

They could be just singing about anything.

Boy George.

Exactly.

And his bed bondage bonanza.

Oh my goodness.

That's disgusting.

We shouldn't be playing records like that.

No, take it off the playlist.

Yeah, it's a disgrace.

Hey, this is Adam Buxton.

And my name's Joe Cornish.

Welcome to our radio show here on BBC 6 Music on a miserable, stormy Saturday morning.

It is in Londonium anyway.

It's clearing up a little bit though, isn't it?

Is it?

I hope so.

I'm really, um, damp.

I cycled in this morning.

And I'm absolutely soaked and covered in little bits of mud and scume.

Oh, careful.

From the road.

Boy, George will get excited.

That's not fair old poor old boy George, he's going off to pre-prize on.

Why not?

Have you seen the bloke who he got?

No, at least I don't know anything about the case so I shouldn't go into it in too much detail.

He's easily excited.

All I know is that he stopped painting his wattle.

I know.

He realizes that people rumbled his brilliant scheme of painting his neck black.

To give himself a jawline.

People realized it wasn't a real shadow.

I know.

It's a shame, isn't it?

It is a shame.

So listen, folks, we've got an exciting and packed show for you coming up.

Within the next hour, we'll be resolving song wars.

I think, sorry to interrupt you, but I go ahead.

I believe we've had the highest number of votes of all time.

Is that correct, Charlotte Guzhan?

Charlotte Guzan is our sexy votes compiler.

She gets upset because her surname is pronounced Guzan, but Jo insists on... I like to call it Guzan.

I like to call it Guzan.

I like to call her Guzan.

Come on, give her the dignity of her.

So we've had a lot of votes for the Australian Song Wars, and we will be telling you who won within the next hour.

Also, of course, we've got Text the Nation and lots of great music.

Like this track,

from the Fuji's.

Oh yeah.

This is No Woman, No Cry.

One time.

He's holding himself back from the one times there, isn't he, Wyclef?

Thankfully.

That was the Fuji's with No Woman, No Cry, Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

And how did you enjoy our holiday in Wales together, Adam?

Which one was that?

It's an email from Patrick in Ledbury.

He says...

and thought it would be comforting to listen to my collection of your podcasts.

I found it very difficult to sleep and after listening to your podcasts for hours on end I found myself in a strange, half-sleep world in which the three of us, which the three of us were inhabiting.

We went fishing on the river, shared a bunk bed, climbed mountains, enjoyed a few pints of ale and generally had the perfect Welsh holiday, one which I was missing from being ill.

Oh, isn't that nice?

That's very nice.

We've been on holiday with Patrick in Wales.

Oh, let's do it again Patrick.

I'd love to.

Had a great time.

The weather was good.

I don't like ale though.

Next time can I just have... Well, you were drinking a lot of it considering you don't like it.

Listen, I was out of control.

I snogged.

I tried to snog Patrick.

Did you?

That's why I don't drink ale too much, you know, because it makes me try and kiss men and I don't, I don't want...

the way you said that.

Sounds as if you did a lot of kissing men.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

I'm trying to hold back on the whole thing, you know?

So have you ever had this problem, Joe, with newfangled Roland deodorant?

Do you use... Is that a new brand of Roland?

Well, you know, it's a type of... Yes, it is a new brand because it's... Newfangled.

It's... I mean, well, to begin with, you're familiar with Roland deodorant, right?

Yes.

It's got a ball and it dispenses the liquid deodorizing fluid by... It's like a giant biro.

Exactly.

And you stick it under your arms there.

Under your arms?

Yeah.

Anyway, you can stick it almost anywhere and it deodorizes.

Sorry, I didn't realize.

Deodorizes that area.

Yeah, it's amazing.

You should really try it.

But the only problem with the Roland deodorant, and I favor the Roland because it's better for the planet,

But is that it gets a bit crusty, right?

You can get crusty deposits if you haven't used it for a day or two or whatever on the top of the ball there.

Are you upset by the terminology?

The terminology is getting revolting.

So the manufacturers of a certain brand of deodorant have tried to deal with this problem by upending the whole container and selling upside down Roland deodorant.

So what they've done is they've flattened the cap of the deodorant and they sell it already upside down.

And they've printed the text on it the wrong way up.

Yeah, exactly.

So, essentially what you've got, it's like the upside-down ketchup bottles that you can get.

You know, in the olden days you would get right way up ketchup, now you can get upside-down ketchup that's always ready to dispense, you know.

And so the same logic has been applied to the roll-on deodorant.

But the problem is now, they've solved the crusting problem, right?

There's no crusting, which is nice, so you don't have to kind of start spinning the ball manually in order to get the juices flowing.

Oh my god.

But the only problem is now that sometimes you just get like a whole load of gloopy fluid that's collected in the cap when you open it in the mornings, right?

I'm gonna be sick.

So you get a whole kind of plume of gloopy goop that goes all over your body in the mornings.

I just wanted to share that with you.

I was really hoping that... So, sorry, what's the punchline?

Oh, don't start.

No, I'm not.

I just need to make it clear.

You get a whole lot of gloopy gunk.

Yeah, and you get covered in goop like... It's like the spittle from the alien queen in Alien.

Right, because they've changed the consistency of the substance.

No, they've upended the container to solve the problem of crusting.

I was hoping that when I was going to tell the story, you would go, yay!

That's right, man.

I get that, too.

The gloop.

Yeah, I'm so glad somebody's finally exposed the gloop.

Exactly.

That's right.

Oh, brilliant.

And said you'd go, what's the punchline to this?

In a very unhelpful way.

I'm sorry.

It's a confusing story.

It's early in the show.

You wait when you start using deodorant.

The images you painted in my head were not to do with deodorant.

because of the words crusting and ball and residue.

Yeah.

All right.

And our conversation about Boy George.

Let's have a free play right now.

The images are all merging in a filthy confusing way.

It's your brain problem.

Not fully awake.

All right.

Okay, here's a free choice.

Now, this is the first... I've themed my free choices this week, Joe.

Not very much, but they all feature a bit of studio chatter at the beginning of the track by way of an introduction.

I'm a big fan of studio chatter.

And I was actually trying to compile my favorite bits of studio chatter

in order to play on the show, but most of it involved swearing, so it proved difficult.

Instead, I just picked my three favourite tracks that are introduced by Studio Chatter.

Here's Andy Warhol by David Bowie to begin.

Wait a second.

Hey, there's no studio.

Not only is there no studio chatter.

Which version of this is it?

It's a different version.

Okay, can you play it from my CD then, Ben?

I'm going to play the version from Honky Dory, which starts off with a great bit of... ...Tinkard with Studio Chatter.

And it is TRAAAAACK.

Go Phil, Phil, Phil.

Ah, yeah, he's a burry.

He's brilliant.

He's the goblin.

Pixie King.

Mmm... Track 10.

Here we go.

This is Andy Warhol, and it begins with the end of the previous track, which is... What is the end?

What was that track?

Uh... Joe, you know the album.

Sorry, Dory.

I just had a little nap.

We were discussing that before.

Anyway, let's play the track.

Here's Andy Warhol.

Hey, that was excellent.

Dirty Projectors featuring David Byrne, it says here.

uh... with knotty pine that's out on february the sixteenth single is taken from the forthcoming album dark was the night which is a compilation album being released for the aids charity the red hot organization and uh... that was really good i enjoyed that very much now this is uh... if you were listening last week you might remember that a listener called ollie uh... emailed us and asked whether he could come into the studio uh... on the grounds that he wasn't gonna speak

He was going to just sit silently in the corner and absorb the magic, I think were his words.

Yeah, whoosh, was his next word.

But unfortunately, Ollie is ill.

He's emailed us to say, hello, I'm afraid that I won't be able to come into the studio on Saturday, as I'm bedridden with the flu.

I'd just like to thank you for the opportunity to join you in the studio, and I'm quite annoyed at my immune system.

I'm sorry for any trouble that this may have caused.

Ollie the Wally.

Hey!

Poor Ollie!

You're not a Wally if you get a cold!

What a cute Wally!

Did anyone tell you to wrap up?

But listen, before you're too rude to Wally, Ollie... No, I'm doing it now.

He's on the phone, but listeners, we're not going to let him actually speak.

So he's going to communicate by scratching or tapping the receiver of his phone.

Ollie, are you there?

Oh, I'm not sure that's the phone.

I think that's some kind of... Could it be a lampshade?

Is it a lampshade, Ollie?

Two... Two... Yeah.

Ooh, it's a bell.

It's a big vase or something.

Was that a yes or a no, though?

One for yes, two for no, Ollie.

Yes, it is.

So listen, Ollie, here's a question.

And remember, if Ollie speaks or says anything, we're going to cut him off immediately.

Right.

Ollie, are you genuinely ill or are you pretending to be ill because you couldn't be bothered to come to the show?

One for no, two for yes.

You've swapped it round.

It was one for yes, two for no before.

Was it?

That's fine.

Let's confuse Ollie, keep it on his toes.

So what is it?

One for no, two for yes now.

So are you genuinely ill?

What was that?

Do it again!

That's a yes, he is genuinely ill.

I think it's a good idea, it's working well.

We have to think of another question now.

He made a noise.

He laughed.

Oh, for goodness sake.

He made a noise.

Ollie, will you be able to come in next week, do you think?

Or are you seriously ill?

We're not here next week.

Are we not?

No, we've got a free record next week.

I forgot.

Will you be able to come in three weeks hence?

That's a yes.

Okay, well we can look forward to seeing you then.

And Ollie, is the nature of your illness fairly mild, would you say?

No, he's seriously ill, but he's going to be able to come in in three weeks' time.

Ollie, we're really excited about seeing you.

What party do you support politically?

What was that?

I think that was a yes.

Is it true that you are... Labour, I think it was.

Is that Labour?

Yeah.

Labour.

Is it true that you are one of Britain's most successful uncaught bank robbers?

No, that's not true.

I'm trying to trick him out.

I'm trying to make him speak.

How can we make him speak?

Trick him into speaking.

Do you just say something so provocative?

Do a lot of people call you Wally the Wally?

No.

Listen, Oli, you've done very well.

I don't think we can make you speak.

We're incapable.

Thanks for tapping to us.

And hopefully we'll see you in a few weeks.

Get well very soon.

Yeah, take care of yourself.

A little happy tapping.

That was thanks.

Thanks, Oli.

Bye.

Cheers, Ollie.

Well, luckily we were going to cut him off anyway.

Well, we'll be with him in three weeks.

That's exciting to find out.

Lots of listeners were quite jealous of Ollie's opportunity to come into the show for some reason.

They were angry that we'd let him and not them come in.

So now they might be upset that Ollie has not turned up.

We let him slip by pretty easily as well.

Well, we punished him in a way, you know.

We woke him up and

Made him pay attention this early in the morning.

Yes, exactly.

Well, we'll look forward to seeing you in about three weeks' time, Ollie.

Now, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Stay tuned, listeners, because there's still another two and a half hours of amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing day to your fun.

And in a second, there's going to be the results of Song Wars right after the news.

I did a video for my Song Wars.

So I saw someone's emailed in.

Yeah.

I wonder, let's check how it's doing, because I only uploaded it last night.

It's my first widescreen YouTube video.

No.

Wow.

You know, there'll probably be something about it on the news.

Yeah, here it is.

That's the Pet Shop Boys with It's All Right.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music, and now... It's time for song wars.

The war of the songs.

So last week, listeners, the theme of Song Wars was Baz Luhrmann's extraordinary epic new film Australia starring Hugh Jackman and Nipples Kidman, which we recommend that you rush out to see if you've got almost nothing, almost nothing else to do.

You'll need a whole day.

Yeah.

You'll need a whole day to get to the cinema, to book your tickets.

The morning to get there, the most of the afternoon to watch it, and then the evening to get over it.

Yeah, you need to prepare a lunch or a meal that you'll have during the performance that you'll take with you to the cinema.

You need warm clothing, some bedding, and a comfy seat of some kind to sit in if the cinema you're going to is not going to provide that.

So yeah, let's find out who won, shall we?

And Joe's basically was a more... Mine was, you know, we got a lot of emails about these and some people were berating Adam for covering Rolf Harris.

Right.

But for stealing a melody, but I think a lot of our listeners are too young to realize that mine was completely pulling from a Kim Wilde single.

You actually used the track.

Yeah, I used the track and the melody from a Kim Wilde single called Cambodia.

So we were both plagiarizing.

But we did get, I think, more votes than we've ever got before.

207 votes, right?

Which is quite amazing.

So here we go.

Let's find out who's won.

It's in a special BBC envelope this week.

They're exciting, it's terribly tense.

Joe has 32%, Adam has 68%, giving Adam Australia's son the win.

Look at that.

He's genuinely excited.

I'm genuinely, you know what, I would have been absolutely gutted if I had lost this week.

You think?

Yeah.

Because you reckon your song was the superior.

Well, I don't know.

I think your song probably was the superior.

You know, it just took me a long time.

Also, I was worried because I really did like yours.

And when I was listening to it in the podcast, yours was the one that stuck in my head, mainly because Kim Wilde's Cambodia.

It's a strong melody, isn't it?

It's a better one than mine one.

But I tweaked my Australia song a little bit because it wasn't finished was the other thing.

Last week I didn't feel that I'd quite finished it.

So I tweaked it somewhat.

And are you going to read out another email there, Joe?

I'm just looking at some of the Song Wars emails.

A lot of people liked your didgeridoo rhyme.

No, your wobble board rhyme.

Right, yeah.

And the didgeridoo noise.

I think that's what did it.

And a lot of people were angry that I walked out.

When did you walk out?

Of the film.

Oh, I see.

I know.

I was thinking, when you admitted that, I was thinking, yes.

That's going to do me a few things.

When you people see the film, you'll understand why I left.

I'm surprised, though, that you did, Joe Films Cornish.

Really?

Yeah.

I told you it's because I will watch the rest on DVD, bringing my overall investment in the global film industry to double.

It's still bad.

It's bad celluloid etiquette and then to admit it.

Ooh, to admit it.

I think I would have been better off lying about it.

Yes, yes.

Well, here's the winning song listeners.

What's this called?

It's just called Australia.

Australia song, yeah.

Would you like to hear a story?

I'm best lemon I'm a genius so I'm told My films will really blow your mind Especially if you're six years old My latest is an epic lump that's called Australia It costs a lot of wonder and I hope it's not a failure

It's all about a kind of magic, Aboriginal girly boy And Nicole Kidman's British accent, which is such a joy And it's got Wolverine, oh look at his lovely manly chest But don't expect a whole lot more of you are gonna get a bit depressed

Oh it's spectacular, we use computer technicals Look at all the ships and planes, look it is a load of balls It's very long so you'll need a pillow and a snack We will be starving by the time that you've been Japanese attached

Oh Nicole, she's an icy acting robot And look the huge, I can't believe the pecs he got Old ab-original man, you're so wise and dignified Every time you popped up standing on one leg I very nearly cried

There we go.

Back to the outback.

We go.

As the sun goes down.

That's my winning Australia song.

Thank you very much to everyone who voted in Song Wars this week.

We really appreciate you.

Thanks a lot.

As always, I think justice was done.

And I've got a video for that track.

How arrogant.

That is a little bit arrogant, isn't it?

Yes!

I did a video for that track.

You are clearly very threatened by my Quantum of Solace video on YouTube.

So Adam has made a similar, I use the word similar, to make it sound like you're copying me, video for his Australia song on YouTube.

I love the idea that you were the first person ever to put a video on YouTube.

I was, I was.

I was the first video, comedy video, satirical comedy video ever posted to YouTube and now everyone's copying me.

But it's very good.

I've just watched it there on YouTube.

I kind of had it in sync with the song playing there.

And there's some beautiful animation there.

And if you want to see Adam's Australia song, simply type Sontum of Qualys into YouTube and click search.

And get my video up over 720,000.

Thank you.

I can't believe you got so many hits on yours just because of your swanky film friends.

It's internationally famous.

JJ Abrahams loves it.

Well, maybe... Could you thin mine to JJ Abrahams?

No, I can't.

I told him you've been killed in a car crash.

If you want to find my video, just go to my YouTube channel, type in Adam Buxton and Australia, and you'll find it quite easily.

Maybe we'll put a link on the six musics with donuts.

They're probably illegal as well, or they will be soon.

Coffee is not going to be legal for long, is it?

No.

They should change it to decaffeinated coffee.

and, uh, sucky sticks.

What they call, they've got advertisements for those things at the moment where you can, they're just like white tubes.

Right, like sort of placebo cigarettes.

I think they're knicker-ets, placebos.

Maybe a, maybe a nicotine patch.

Mm-hmm.

And decaffeinated coffee.

Decaffeinated coffee!

But this is such a great song, and I don't smoke cigarettes, but I have the occasional puff on a pipe.

And I like nothing better than doing that, and I don't drink coffee either, but I'd have a Coca-Cola at three in the morning.

So here's Otis Reading with cigarettes and coffee.

Man, he was good, wasn't he?

Yeah, that's an amazing vocal.

He loves those cigarettes.

Absolutely loves.

He loves a bit of coffee.

He's all hopped up on coffee.

He can't wait.

That's a shame, isn't it, that it's all illegal now and you have to go to hell if you indulge in either of those things.

It is a terrible shame.

But never mind.

Never mind.

There's other things.

There's white plastic tubes to suck on, and lots of fizzy drinks.

Now, we've got a trail coming up right now, and it says Franz on it, so that's going to be Ferdinand based, surely.

Do you think when people say Franz Ferdinand now, I mean, most people would think of the band rather than the... Archduke.

Archduke, yeah.

I would hope that Franz Ferdinand, and this connects slightly to your teacher baiting last week, are brilliantly introducing kids to the idea of that segment of history.

And when they're taught about, you know, the start of the First World War, they get excited because they think about it in terms of contemporary rock.

What was the name of the guy who assassinated him?

I don't know, but he was a member of the Red Hand Gang.

Was that correct?

I think so.

The Red Hand Gang used to be a series of children's books where you, you know, one of those adventure books where you would turn to a different page depending on what dramatic choice you'd made.

So I think that's how I used to remember it.

I used to remember the name of the assassin and I can't recall it.

Have a think, have a stink during this exciting trail.

Laina Lovitz with Lucky Number here on BBC 6 Music.

This is Adam and Joe on a Saturday morning.

That was a session recorded for John Peel's show on Radio 1 on the 21st of November 1978.

November.

Oh yes.

Good session track though.

Thanks a lot.

She did, didn't she?

And listen, I should correct some historical inaccuracies.

It's the black, the gang was called the Black Hand.

Not the Red Hand gang, who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo on the 28th of June 1914 at approximately 1.15pm.

And the man who pulled the trigger was... Brinkips.

What's his name?

Oh yeah, the man who pulled the trigger was Gavrilo Brinchip.

And in pulling that trigger he sparked the creation of the band Franz Ferdinand, of course.

as all history buffs will realise.

So listen, now it is time for some Steven news and a quick explanation for new listeners.

Does Steven, can we call it a phenomenon?

Not really, a minor phenomenon.

If only there was a word that was much smaller than phenomenon.

A nominon.

A minimum.

Yeah.

The Steven minimum is to do with, it's a way that listeners to the show can communicate with each other in public places.

If you hear the show and you're in a group where you think there might be another listener at a concert or something, you just shout, Steven!

And then if you hear someone shouting Steven and you're a listener to the show, you reply,

just coming or coming and this isn't something we started this was started by a listener who sent in a comic that he'd written as a kid as a response to one of our text the nations.

I think his name was Steve Curran.

Yeah well listen here is an email

from Steve.

He says hello again Adam and Jo.

I'm the Stephen who sent you the email back in March about my foiled attempt at writing an action comic when I was a child.

As this has since taken on a life of its own I thought you might like to know how it has affected my life so far.

dot dot dot not hugely as you might imagine but it's still been fun what with the internet animations and the Facebook groups and the Steven news and all the shouting back and forth quite a few of your listeners have tracked me down over the internet mainly to write Steven or just coming

in my inbox.

On a few occasions people I know have become excited about the phenomenon, only later finding out about my minor part in starting it off.

I also sometimes receive my own Stephen updates from friends who have heard the name called out in public.

I'm yet to hear it myself but the idea makes me slightly nervous.

I'm worried about someone shouting Stephen at Stephen would be like switching on the Large Hadron Collider or crossing the streams in Ghostbusters, total protonic reversal.

I must admit, though, that I'm pretty pleased that no-one has a clue what I look like as befits a born-style international spy.

I can imagine that having people shouting at you wherever you go might become a bit tiresome.

I can only apologise.

Cheers.

Stephen!

Who actually calls himself Steve.

Steve with a V even, doesn't he?

Yeah.

That's a bit cheeky, isn't it?

Yeah, but then in brackets.

Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

much sense Stephen Curran thank you very much Stephen now we've also had an email in from a gentleman called Simon Bell who has made a Stephen jingle oh you've heard this jingle Adam yes yeah he's done a great job he's chopped up chopped up loads of chopped up a lot of conversation that we had about us the subject and put them on a song

What songs do you put?

This is a song that lots of people have tipped us off about, right?

This is Alice Cooper.

And people are telling us this is one of the most sort of outstanding songs.

It's certainly very Steven heavy.

Shall we have a quick listen?

I must be dreaming, please stop screaming.

I'm in trouble!

Steven!

Yes!

Steven!

I can't think of too many other songs that feature the names.

Well, there's a Morrissey one everybody keeps telling us about.

Yeah, there's a Morrissey B side, but we can't track it down, can we?

Haven't we tried?

But this is a bit... dear.

It's a bit humiliating.

We asked somebody else, I think, before your time, Ben, and they were unable to track it down.

Ben could track it down easily.

Anything down.

30 seconds.

A Morrissey track, Ben, with a reference to Stephen in it.

Go!

Get on it now!

If Ollie was here, that's exactly what he could have done whilst making no noise.

Ollie.

But listen, there'll be more Steven news later in the show.

We had that shout-out by, was his name Joe Clackston?

I think so.

He went to a screening of Blade Runner at the BFI IMAX, didn't he?

Yeah, and he shouted Steven, so we'll find out what happened there a bit later in the show, plus various other reports of Steven activity around the nation coming up later.

Hey, listen, folks, we've pretty much missed the top of our there.

I'm sorry about that.

We're about three minutes and 21 seconds past it, but still, we're going to have the top of our jingle and then some great music from Mini-Ripperton.

This is the voice of the big, great, dear castle.

It is the top of the hour.

Ooh, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour, and it's great.

It's you.

How do you do?

Which advert does that turn up in?

I don't know.

Mini-Rippetin, that is, with, er, Liff-Lair.

It's been used on a lot of things.

Sampled a lot.

Mmm.

I get a bit annoyed when things like that get used on adverts.

I get really annoyed, Joe.

Do you?

Get annoyed now.

I get so annoyed.

And do you know the other one that really annoys me?

What?

I've got my hands.

I've got my bum.

I've got my nipples.

I've got my liver.

That one by, what's her name?

that they use a lot in adverts?

Yeah.

What because you like the song and you don't like it?

Nina Simone.

Yeah, I don't know.

Well, there's something annoying about the actual song as well, to be honest with you, in that case.

Do you like adverts where people are being chased by a man in a suit of the product?

You know, like it's a lady, she's trying to avoid cakes, so she's chased by a cake.

It could go either way.

There's a man who likes tic-tacs, so there's lots of men dressed as giant tic-tacs.

And there was a big smoking one as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that was one of the original ones, directed by Edgar Wright, where they were karate kicking the cigarette.

That was one of the first ones.

But now it's become the most obvious trope in advertising.

And it surprises me that they're still making adverts like that, especially this new cake one.

Who do you think is to blame?

I think the advertising executives are blame.

Yeah, but where did they nick it from?

I would say I would lay some blame at the foot of Dom Jolly.

Really?

What about Garth's milk?

Blur video.

Yes, I suppose.

For anthropomorphizing products.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course, that was a pop video rather than an advert.

But Dom Jolly was the king of dressing people up in surreal situations.

But the tango adverts, they were before Dom, weren't they?

Well, they weren't dressed up so much as just painted orange, weren't they?

I guess it's a merge of the idea of somebody assaulting you in the street.

Yes.

And that person dressed up in a costume.

It's the backbone of the advertising industry now, isn't it?

You're right.

Well, can we do something about it?

Yes, we can.

What can we do?

Smash all the tellies in every house.

That could be a better viral thing to do than Stephen.

Right.

Just all listeners to the Adam and Jo radio show smash their tellies.

But inevitably someone would go too far and lob one out the window and someone would get hurt and then we'd get thrown out of the castle.

Yeah, plus no one would want to do it.

No, exactly.

Life without a telly.

Well, then you could throw away your old non-digital tellies.

Yes.

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Dangerous, though.

Yeah, it would be very dangerous, because they're so big.

Can you kick in a plasma telly in the way that you used to be able to kick in a telly?

It would be much less satisfying, wouldn't it?

No, just because old tellies had a vacuum in them, right?

Yeah.

The cathode ray tube with a proper vacuum.

That one really explodes.

Pop and burst.

That's why rock bands truck them out of hotel windows.

Exactly.

Good times.

Like a giant light bulb.

Not anymore.

Obviously, we're not encouraging anyone to do it.

No, it's just a stupid thing to do.

But no, why would you want to smash in a HD plasma TV?

It would be no fun at all.

Also, you would think that toxic things would leak out of there.

It's a very stupid idea.

Stupidest idea I've ever heard.

You're grotesque.

You're an idiot.

Here's James Yule with no surprise.

Text the nation.

Text, text, text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

Yes, it's time for Text the Nation.

It's the part of the show where we talk about a thing, and then you, our faithful listeners, respond with your texts and emails.

The number for texts is 64046, and the email address is adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.

Wow!

Yes, I remembered all that.

I wasn't even looking at a piece of paper.

That's fantastic.

Well done.

Thanks very much.

I've really been trying because it worries me that I can't remember things like this.

And I can't remember people's names a lot as well.

And my wife keeps hassling me about it and saying, you're just a weirdo and there's something wrong with you.

And I really think there might be.

So I'm worried about it.

And I've been really trying to remember the... She called you a weirdo.

Yeah.

Is that the word she uses?

Creep, she called me.

Creep, really?

Yeah.

That's quite hurtful.

It is a little bit.

It's quite an unsettling thing to be called, because it's sort of so vague.

Yeah.

You know?

I'd be quite upset by that.

I am upset as well, because I am a bit of a creep.

Creepy boy.

Man, she knows.

She knows.

She's got you by the short and curlies, hasn't she?

She does.

She's got one little curly.

The long and toughties.

So, Text the Nation this week is about

film remakes, specifically films that you wouldn't think needed to be remade, which one day inevitably will be remade.

This is inspired by a trip to the cinema that I took with my son the other day.

I talked about it when we went to see Bedtime Stories.

But one of the trails before the movie was for the new Pink Panther 2.

film starring Steve Martin, the sequel to Pink Panther 1, the pointless remake that they did a while back, which by all accounts was dreadful.

I haven't seen it, but it must have been successful somewhere, because they're making a sequel.

Yeah, it must have done very well, because I think what they have done cleverly is just aimed squarely at children.

Right.

And children can't discern quality, can they?

Because they've got no frame of reference.

Unless the parameters are really very clearly defined.

And the original Pink Panther movies used to be pretty sophisticated and genuinely funny affairs.

Yes, with some quite weird flourishes in there.

The Blake Edwards films starring Peter Sellers, of course.

They'd be great films that one would watch as one's dad, and your dad would be chuckling away heartily, and you as a kid would be chuckling away.

I mean, for our generation, born at the end of the 60s, early 70s or whatever, those films were a very important part of our childhood.

And they crossed, as you say, age boundaries and stuff, and they were really enjoyable, and they were a tour de force performance from Peter Sellers there, you know.

And they were films that you really did not think need remaking any way at all.

You're quite right.

That's the first remake that's really stepped over that threshold, I suppose, because before that, people would only remake films that were perceived as being either sort of under budgeted.

Yeah.

Or, you know, like when they remade Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes.

Yes.

Or, you know, horror films that were a bit low budget and independent.

Not really driven by a star performance.

Yeah.

And mainly about the story, do you know what I mean?

So for example, The Omega Man, it's a strange example because that is driven by a star performance, but that was remade as I Am Legend.

Also driven by another star performance.

Very differently though.

Very different script.

But The Omega Man... And not the same title.

No, no.

I think if you're adapting a book, it's kind of allowed.

Yeah.

Because the initial film would have been an adaptation anyway.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

But if you're remaking an original work, then that's when it gets a bit weird.

And previously, studios only did it with sort of genre films, or movies that weren't beloved by the general public, but just sort of niche films, like little horror films.

But now, the financial imperative to just make cash is too much for them.

And they will remake absolutely anything and retool it for a modern audience.

Because you would think with the logic with the Pink Panther remakes is that they're just missing out on a big revenue stream there.

And all they need to do is cast modern stars that won't alienate a young audience who don't know anything about Peter Sellers and won't necessarily go back and invest in the originals on DVD or whatever.

And they've got a whole new audience.

It works though, doesn't it?

Look at the St.

Trinian's remake.

Have you seen that?

No.

Why did you go and see it?

Because you love Russell Brand.

Yeah, I have to watch everything with Russell in it.

It's a stinker.

But yet it's done very well, they're doing another one.

Have they really?

Are they really?

Is it really?

Yes, it is really.

There you go.

So I was trying to think of other films that you would think do not need remaking, but will inevitably one day be remade for the contemporaneous modern audience.

The most obvious one being Star Wars, okay?

Now, at the moment, this has not been that no one's even thought about remaking this because George Lucas himself keeps remaking them and re-releasing them.

Yeah, you could say he's done it himself.

Yeah.

And no one could do a more cackhanded job.

But one day, even George will go the way of all organic and earthly things and not be alive anymore.

And after a few years have passed,

I mean, I would imagine he would leave strict instructions for the people on the Skywalker Ranch to keep remaking it themselves in some way to stop anyone else doing so.

But they will.

One day, someone will say, let's remake this timeless space opera.

Well, the same thing's happening to Star Wars, as happened to Star Trek.

I'm thinking about what I've just said, and it's not really true.

But the thing I'm trying to say...

franchise.

Yeah, it's turning into a TV series.

So it's the law of diminishing returns.

It's gradually being fragmented and franchised and split up into lots of sort of more minor bits of marketing twaddle.

Yeah.

And soon it'll be so disseminated and enfeebled that someone will have to do what JJ Abrahams is doing to Star Trek and turn it into a big standalone movie again.

Give it a shot in the arm.

Yeah.

Well, they'll do that with Star Wars one day.

and they'll go back and they'll cast a new Han Solo and a new Luke Skywalker and it'll be the same story as episode three or four, whichever it was that started the whole thing, but just with modern stars and modern effects.

Here's another film, Reservoir Dogs, at some point, and I would imagine Tarantino's the kind of person that might remake that himself.

Who would be cast in Star Wars?

Is that what we're asking people?

Well, it would be nice to think of some casting ideas for all these films, yeah.

We're asking, yeah, so what films do you think will eventually be remade?

I mean, for Star Wars, I could see Ashton Cushta as Luke or as Han Solo.

Right.

But I don't know.

I'd like Ben from A1 to be Luke.

Yes, he's sufficiently witty.

He's very good, yeah.

And I think Lindsay Lohan would make a very good Princess Leia.

Right, because she's a little bit out of control and feisty.

She's out of control and she could be kissing all sorts of monsters.

Wookiees and...

Yeah.

So Reservoir Dogs, though, what do you reckon?

Because you could easily populate that with a cast of... I think Boyzone would be very good in that.

Yeah.

Just all of Boyzone.

Keith and Fergus and Shane and Wally.

Roughty.

Roughty from Boyzone.

They'd be very good in Reservoir Dogs.

Here's another one I was thinking.

This'll get remade at some point.

Life of Brian.

Yes.

With a modern comedy cast.

Will Ferrell, Seth Rogen, Myers, get them all in there.

Contemporary comedians will be falling over each other to be in that.

Jimmy Carr gets a little cameo.

That's a good idea.

And you could have a TV documentary where they all talk about the original.

Yeah.

And how much it means to them.

And you have a few cameos from surviving Python members.

It's a very good idea.

It'll happen sooner or later.

So listen, folks, we want to hear your ideas for films that will inevitably get remade, even though they shouldn't be.

And we want to hear casting ideas as much as possible and any other tweaks that you would perform on the films to make them modern and give them new life.

The text number is 64046 for your texts.

And don't forget, can we still control the digital readout scroll?

Don't forget that the best text we get in an entirely non-competitive way will win the chance.

Oh, no winning.

They won't win.

How do we describe it then?

Their name might be scrolled across the... Your name might be scrolled across the digital tickety-tape thing.

But it won't be exciting and it won't in any way be like winning a competition.

No, it'll actually make you suffer.

Now, here's a free choice for you listeners.

This is the second in my series of songs with introductions from studio based... Let's hope this one goes a bit better.

Yeah, let's hope so.

Also, I hope it's the right version because it's got some f-bombs in it that I've had to censor with little bits of pirate interruptions.

This is magazine with their cover of the Captain Beefheart track, I Love You, You Big Dummy.

It does sound like an afternoon.

Yeah, it sounds like cheers, doesn't it?

It's calm, doesn't it?

Yeah, that record should always be followed by an episode of Countdown.

Going over to Susan's house.

That was the Eels.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

It's just gone 10.30.

Time for the news.

Spooky spooky noises!

That's the prodigy.

Was that called Omen?

Yes, that's called Omen.

It's out on February the 16th.

It's the first official single to be released from their forthcoming fifth album, Invaders Must Die.

There's a remake.

There's a terrible remake.

the omen the omen remake oh that's a great shame that's the topic for text donation this week and we'll be catching up with some of your suggestions for films that will eventually get remade even though they really shouldn't be this is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music and Joe you stopped watching celebrity big brother

Yes, I did.

What's your problem?

I had a lot of work to do.

Oh, too busy.

Too busy to watch the telly.

Too busy for real life.

But I hear it.

The ratings have sort up.

Have they?

Someone said somewhere the other day.

Well, like no other series, I think this one of Celebrity Big Brother started out very, very dull.

Like the first three days, you thought, this is the worst thing I've ever seen.

I'm so bored.

But then, quite quickly, within a couple of days, it got really interesting.

And now it's pretty good, I would think.

Coolio, obviously, being the dominating force and stirring it all up and getting things going and upsetting the ladies and causing a massive rift between the women and the men in the household.

Verne Troyer got very drunk and rammed his... Steady on, what?

He got very drunk and rammed his scooter into the door of the diary room.

Is that the best it can do?

Come on.

That was exciting.

That is exciting, isn't it?

Ramming a scooter into a door.

Wow.

Is that as good as it gets?

It's, it's funny how- As Big Brother pointed out, people could have been hurt.

It's funny how when- in something like Big Brother where nothing- basically the default setting is nothing.

Yeah.

The default setting is a person asleep in bed.

Right.

It has the fart in a snooker match sort of phenomena, doesn't it?

Like anything is suddenly exaggerated to being amazing.

Yeah.

Like a scooter.

You didn't see it, man.

It was a fun little bit.

Was it funny?

Action, yes.

It was a little bit funny.

A little bit.

But the personalities, I mean, I would say that almost all the personalities in there are in some way or other unsympathetic.

I mean, there's aspects of all the people in there.

There's a surprise.

Isn't the mere act of walking through the door, doesn't that make you unsympathetic?

Well, do you reckon?

Yeah, in my book it does.

Well, maybe you're right.

I think you've got problems if you are in the house, and slight problems if you watch it.

Oh, shut your mouth, will you?

It's good, enjoyable fun.

Also, it says a lot about, I mean, there's amazing things going on there.

I would watch an edited show.

Well, that's what they are.

Yeah, but once a week.

Right.

But the idea of watching it every night for half an hour, and we were talking the other week.

An hour.

An hour, is it?

Yeah, yeah.

I wish it was that voice over guy.

Some of the housemates are in the house.

Well obviously not all of it's brilliant, but there are enough good bits in there that you keep watching.

What's some more?

The scooter and the door sounds like fireworks.

That's the Psychedelic Furs there with Sister Europe.

You're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

I'm Adam.

I'm Joe.

And you can, well you can't tell the difference between us really, so don't worry about it too much.

Well you're the one that can string sentences together a tiny bit better than I can.

Do you think?

Yeah.

That's nice of you to say.

We've got a postcard here in the Adam and Jo posty box.

It's a lovely postcard of a very frightening looking hotel room from I think China, or maybe Japan.

Is it room 1408?

It looks like it.

It's very red.

Anyway, it says on the back, Dear Adam and Jo, love the show, etc.

Could you possibly read out the enclosed piece of paper?

My girlfriend, Alex, is having a baby.

This is the sex of the baby as written down by the scan man.

We're too frightened to look at it.

If it is a boy, we will consider Stephen, but unlikely.

Lots of love, Ben.

I didn't really read that properly.

We'll consider it, but unlikely.

So he's trying to lure us into doing him a favor there.

Well, he's succeeded, but yet he's sort of been a bit... There's no way that he's going to call the baby Stephen.

So here's the piece of paper.

We're going to open it very quickly.

Ben, your new offspring is a girl.

It's a girl.

Congratulations.

We're happy to be able to do that for you.

I hope the whole thing goes very well, and you should consider calling the girl Stephanie.

Yes, because it's a beautiful name.

You're not so sure about the name, Stephanie.

We were talking about it before.

I think you won me round.

It is a nice name.

Pretty name, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, it's free play time.

This is a track called Nerd Girl by somebody called MC Chris.

Have you heard of MC Chris?

No, is this another one of your internet discoveries?

No, I went on a show on another radio station.

Are we allowed to talk about other radio stations?

It's called Resonance FM.

It's quite a good little arty station and they have a video game show called One Life Left, which is excellent.

and it's available as a podcast as well.

But they play a lot of video game related music and they played this song on it.

And MC Chris is a kind of hipster type DJ who went to NYU, the Titch School of the Arts.

Tish, how's it pronounced?

That trendy art school in New York.

Oh gosh, I don't know.

Have you ever heard of it?

Tish.

No.

He self-releases his records.

He doesn't have a label.

He's a voice actor on Aquitine Hunger Force.

Oh, that's very trendy, isn't it?

Yeah, it's all super trendy.

MC Chris is all lowercase.

You can't write any capitals in the name MC Chris.

And this is an example of nerdcore, apparently.

But it's a good track and it's chock full of pop culture references.

So I'm going to see, Adam, whether you can identify some of these pop culture references.

uh some of the lyrics go there's a special kind of girl that goes to my shows and i don't mean the groupie hoes along the front row she's more like a wallflower like the one that striker sniped

Stryker.

Mortal Kombat 3, I think.

Oh.

Video game character.

Are these all video game references?

I think Emily Strange is another reference.

Do you know who Emily Strange is?

No.

You don't know who Emily Strange is?

Is she?

She's a very popular goth kind of comic character.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm not going to get any of these.

Kang.

Do you know who Kang is?

I want to conquer her like Kang.

Oh, he's in The Simpsons.

He's one of the aliens.

I think that's Clang.

No, it's Kang.

Is it Kang?

I'm sure.

Maybe you're right, maybe you're right.

Cassie Lang.

When you kiss like Cassie Lang, you've got one.

I've got one.

Do you know who Cassie Lang is?

No.

Scott Lang's daughter from the Ant-Man comics.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Do you know what?

There's no, another lyric is, there's no way I can pronounce Neo-Geon, Neo, I can't pronounce it, Neo-Geo Evangelion.

Is that a Matrix reference?

No, that's a very famous manga series.

You're making me look old.

Neo-Geo, I like it, that's why I'm doing it.

This is, you see, I've got a family.

Things like this don't penetrate my family bubble.

I can't refute because she's so cute.

And so I suck my belly in.

X-23 and Hellion.

Odd couple to be... I'm not making it sound like a very good song.

X-23 and Hellion.

What is that?

They're X-Men mutants.

I thought they were like skin creams.

You're not gonna like this song.

This is Nerd Girl by MC Chris.

Yeah, that's MC Chris with nerd girl spelled.

I got a couple of the other references.

Sorry, say how it's spelled.

N-R-R-R-D-G-R-R-R-L.

Nerd girl.

She's under my skin like a million nanobots.

Yes.

I know what nanobots are, right?

Good, well done.

From watching Star Trek.

They're like tiny robots.

Yeah, nano.

Nintendo DS?

Yes.

Yeah, my boys have got a Nintendo DS.

What about she's like, Annie Pots in Busters?

Get my freak on like I'm Egon.

Egon-ronay?

No, come on, you know that one.

Egon Sheila?

No.

Egon from Ghostbusters?

Yes!

Hey!

Exactly.

Oh, there you go.

Thank goodness I was being quite ancient.

Well done.

You are still officially very, very slightly young.

Hooray.

Now, what have we got coming up?

Is it time for textination now?

Do we have time?

Look, it's like three minutes to the news.

Well, don't worry about that.

It's not news at the top of the hour.

It's news at the bottom of the hour.

News comes at the bottom of the hour.

Don't you know anything?

No.

Let's have the textination jingle then and do some of them.

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

It doesn't matter!

Text!

And Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about famous brilliant films that you think will inevitably and horribly be remade.

And if so, how you think they'll remake them and who you think they'll cast in them, right?

Another one I thought of that will get remade one day, which is a bit similar to Star Wars, is E.T.

Yeah, a couple of people have texted that in.

And you would think, I mean, again, haunted by the prospect of the original looking too clunky and maybe trying to stave off any remakes.

Spielberg, of course, did his own.

remake job.

What?

Well, he reissued it.

Yeah, he reissued it.

And there was a treatment written for a sequel.

Was there?

Yeah, that then turned into a book called E.T.

and the Green Planet.

Oh, yes.

But Spielberg refused to make it.

He doesn't want to mess with E.T.

Well, he messed enough with his face, though, didn't he?

It's true, but at least on the DVD you can get both versions.

You can, thank goodness for that.

And he spent all that time painting out the guns wielded by the FBI agents.

replacing them with walkie-talkies.

Anyway, all he's done is put off the inevitable moment when someone remakes the whole film, because it's a wonderful story.

And one day, even Spielberg's retouched remake won't look modern enough.

Well, they'll make Holy CGI, won't they?

You reckon?

As he is a little bit in the revisioned version, revised version.

Yeah, but then maybe things will change and one day there will come a time when they remake the film but they have a completely just a guy in a suit or something else.

Maybe there'll come a time when the alien is a real alien and human beings have been wiped out so the human will be an alien in a suit.

That's right.

Aliens will use CG technology to recreate the humans.

Aliens will make a film called Human.

Brilliant idea.

Let's have a text then from the audience to listeners.

Okay, here we go.

This is from David Wall.

He says, hello.

I think this is talking about a Star Wars remake.

I think Don Cheadle should play Lando Calrissian and should use his horrendous Cockney accent from Oceans 11.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Here's another one from Guy Sampson.

He says, Dear Adam and Joe, how about the seminal Kubrick classic A Clockwork Orange starring Jason Orange from Take That as Alex?

That's a good idea.

A very good idea for a film that will get remade, certainly.

I mean, that's only a matter of time.

A short time, I would say.

Do you think, because you'd have the excuse that you were going back to the source novel.

Yeah.

And that would stop you from getting compared to Kubrick.

Absolutely, but you would almost certainly use some... I wouldn't mind that, you know.

I'd actually quite like a remake of that.

Russell Brand's bound to be in there.

No, I don't like it anymore.

He's modelled his whole... ...stick on, hasn't he?

And the Boosh could be in there?

Yeah.

That would be quite good, actually.

Let's get to work.

The novel's amazing, isn't it?

That could definitely take another remake.

I'm up for that.

I'm going to pitch that.

Rob MacMichael writes, film remake of The Shining with Jim Carrey and Jennifer Anderson.

Child to be played by a young Lewis Hamilton.

Anderson?

Yeah.

Or Aniston?

No, Jennifer Anderson.

Wasn't she with the Baywatch woman?

What's she called?

Pamela Anderson.

That's right.

He's got Jennifer Aniston and Pamela Anderson mixed up.

Unless there's someone called Jennifer Anderson that we don't know about because we're too old.

I think Jennifer Aniston would be better.

Yeah.

uh or maybe even i did my pirate oh again i'm gorgeous who's the other lady who's the kooky lady from friends you know the blonde hair one phoebe yeah she'd be a better shining female lead wouldn't she well she's a little bit older now too old too old we need someone young and gawky and geeky looking right miley saris okay

Here's another one.

Adam and Jo, how about remaking one floor over the cuckoo's nest with Forest Whitaker throwing a CGI sink out of the window that explodes in a huge fireball as he walks to freedom?

That's from Dill.

Forest Whitaker is Chief Bromden.

Yeah, that would be good, don't you?

I like the idea that the sink is CGI.

Just because health and safety means you can't have the actor actually pick up a sink.

Exactly, and you would want to guarantee that the trajectory of the sink through the wall was just perfect.

Well, it would fly right next to the lens of the camera.

You might even do one of those CGI effects where it shatters the lens briefly.

Right, and the camera passes through the actual sink, down the plug hole.

If it was directed by Fincher, that's what would happen.

That's a good idea.

Here's one from Ed Rice.

How about Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

That surely will be redone.

That's correct.

That's overdue for redoing, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

I was thinking of using you two as the main parts.

What do you say?

Are you up for it?

So who would be who?

Would I be Fer...

I don't know, I guess you'd be... I'd be Ferris and you'd be Cameron.

Yeah, I'd be a good Cameron.

You would be a good Cameron.

We should do that.

That's a good idea.

We're certainly up for it if anyone's prepared to invest, what do you think, 15 million pounds?

But I'm too old and hairy to be Ferris though.

It's true.

What are you supposed to say?

No, no.

I'm not agreeing with that.

You just need a shave?

It would be creepy.

You are creepy and weird.

Here's one from Jack Pete.

Hi there.

How about a remake of The Ipcrest File with George Lamb playing Michael Caine's character?

Didn't mean to read that one out, really.

That's a good idea though, yeah.

That seems the modern embodiment of a charming cockney man of cheeky temerity.

I don't know about charming.

Let's move on.

Here is one from an anonymous emailer.

It says, Schindler's list in glorious technicolour.

I think that's a brilliant idea.

You make all of Schindler's list in technicolour, but the little girl is in black and white.

It's the big switcheroo.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

But that's not such a good idea, though, for... I mean, Schindler's List is legendary as being quite a hard film to watch, really.

So why would you remake that?

Would audiences flock to see that one?

Because you'd make it more upbeat.

Right.

Exactly.

You'd do it.

He'd save everyone.

Exactly.

Here's one from Fergus Boden.

He says he's got a contribution to the Star Wars remake casting.

How about Bill Bailey as Chewbacca?

Nice idea.

And Tom Cruise as Yoda.

That's a good idea.

That's very good idea.

Listen, let's have more of these in a second and have the late top of our sting followed by some delightful Radiohead.

Oh, that's good, isn't it?

2 plus 2 equals 5 by Radiohead.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Now, filth fans and teenagers, it's an exciting week for you because I do believe this week the new series of skins start.

Oh, an all-new series with an all-new cast.

Channel 4, they've suffered from the credit crunch, as we all have, and I believe they're cutting all drama production on the channel apart from Skins.

Right.

And maybe one or two other things.

Shameless.

Shameless, yeah, you wouldn't want Tina to be out of it.

So, Skins is an important tentpole production for Channel 4, and as we all know, the first series was actually pretty good.

Never really watched a whole episode.

It is worth watching.

It's not as hateful as it sort of seems.

Was Harry Enfield in that one as the dad?

Yeah, he plays one of the dads indeed.

And if you're a Skins fan, you can go on some Channel 4 website or other and see the first part of the first episode of the new series of Skins.

It's been heavily trailed with this very elaborate thing of them all in a pub, kicking off fireworks and starting a fight.

Is that actually in the episode?

I don't know, sorry I did the pirate R again.

But it's supposed to just be like a lot of their trails were just supposed to sum up the atmosphere of the show in some way.

I don't know.

Deliberately.

Like they had another one with some Radiohead music on top of it actually.

And for the first series they had the sort of sexy party didn't they?

Yeah, they were all lying in a bath and it never really happened.

It was all like a bashed in bathroom with tiles coming off the walls and naked people.

But the first thing to say about the new series of Skins is that they've changed the cast entirely.

It's like one of those Japanese pop groups mourning Matsume or whatever they're called, where they basically throw or manudo.

Where they throw every person in the band out because they've got too old.

It's a putch.

Yeah, the Logan's run approach.

Yeah.

The second thing to say is that this first part of the first episode of Skins is utterly, utterly ridiculous.

They've tried to... Ridiculous.

Sexy.

Yeah, exactly.

It's absurd.

They try and cram in to this five minutes of telly every single thing that might possibly lure an irresponsible teenager to watching.

They really reckon they've got teenagers nailed in skins.

You know, it's like the ultimate carrot on a stick to get them watching.

So let me give you 10 things that happen, maybe more.

First of all, there's electronic feedback.

That's the first sound you hear on a black screen.

Immediately a teenager will go, what?

What's that noise?

I like it.

Then the magic's all gone.

And then suddenly the pic image fades up and there's a skateboard.

It's a big close up.

Some grotty scrappy converse shoes on a skateboard.

Love skateboarding.

Oh, it's a skateboarder.

Digital skateboarder.

I love skateboarding.

What is this program, says the teenager?

Board, air flip, flips.

The next thing that happens is the skateboard does an ollie, a little jump over a dog turd.

A turd.

Yeah.

Life's a turd.

You've just got to jump over it to get ahead.

I like this program.

What is it?

Right, that's thing number three.

Digital skateboarder.

Literally, there's no separation.

These come immediately hot on one another's heel.

What happens next?

Drugs.

He gets a text.

Oh, does he?

I'm texting on my skateboard.

Wicked.

Young people text all the time.

What's the text about?

He reads the text while still skating.

Watch out for the turd.

You don't see his face, by the way.

No, that would have been a cleverer text.

No, the text says, I've just finished all your spliff.

Seriously.

So the guy goes, oh no, they finished my spliff.

Did you all skateboard turn spliff?

Teenagers are loving it.

It's like an ultrasonic dog whistle to a teenager's ears.

And only 15 seconds of this have passed.

What happens next is it pans up to reveal the identity of the skateboarder, and he is an extremely good-looking young man with razor-sharp, cheekbones, a ridiculous little sort of mini beard on his chin, and a trilby hat.

Which is, of course, in this day and age, a complete red rag to a bull for a teenager.

He's got a little trilby!

What's got a trilby?

I like him!

Digital skateboard text, flip text, trilby!

And what happens next after he's reading, you see that as he reads the text.

And do you know what he does next?

He drops the F-bomb.

Does he?

Yeah, the first word said in the new series of Skins is the plural of the F-bomb.

Double f-bomb.

Yeah, so swearing immediately.

Again, the teenagers, they love to swear, they love to hear the swearing.

If you have more than one, I'll write it down for you.

Yeah, that didn't really make much sense.

Oh, I see.

Right.

Like truckers.

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, so only 20 seconds have elapsed at this point.

The teenager is already completely engaged with what's happening.

Loud guitar music kicks in.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, so immediately now your teenage viewers are super excited, trembling, getting the shakes.

Digital skateboard turns swift track takes drill bits wearing indie rock.

Exactly, that's what's going on in the viewer's head.

Our hero continues skating down the middle of the road and there's a pathetic community bobby on his bike with a pathetic cycling helmet who's doing something I can't remember.

But our skateboarding teen hero skates very close to him and scares him.

Yeah.

And makes him sort of fall off his bike.

stupid cop.

The sort of equivalent of Dennis the Menace knocking her bobby's hat off in the bino but for the noughties.

Dennis would never have done that I don't think.

The policeman pursues our hero skater.

Quite right.

And there's a hilarious payoff to that.

Then our hero skater meets his friends.

They are in an outdoor pub in the morning this is.

Skins is set in Bristol so they're in some some outdoor like calf in Bristol and they're drinking beer and smoking large jazz cigarettes.

in the morning in the morning in the open in public and they're swearing and it's not even christmas no and they're swearing non-stop to each other and they look like a couple of um what can i just say winkers yeah wonkers yeah and then you get harry enfield who crashes his car and he's swearing and effing and blinding bringing the swear count up to well most of the dollar at that point is swear words with one or two you know smaller words just to join them together how many minutes into the show are we now for

And the next exchange includes the words nipples, breasts and bottom.

Yeah.

They see a girl and one of them talks about her nipples, breasts and bottom.

Mmm.

Digital skateboard, turd, spliff, text, trilby, swearing, indie rock, community police, pawns, pub lady.

Exactly.

It's all in there.

That's like a menu of everything teenagers are interested in.

Right, teenagers?

Yeah.

I think a better series.

I mean, the first thing to say is what else could you possibly put in there to attract idiotic teenagers?

As a casual murder?

A sort of consequence-free stabbing.

Yeah.

They love that team.

Oh, I accidentally stabbed her.

It doesn't matter.

It's legal now.

I want some drugs.

Illegally downloading MP3s?

Yes, that would have been good.

On his mobile phone as he skated.

If you can think of any more stuff that they missed there in Skins, I was trying to think of new characters for Skins, but then I started thinking about what a more sensible series for teenagers would be about.

Because, you know, it might occur to both Channel 4 and teenagers that, you know, a lot of young people aren't actually like that.

What?

and that they wouldn't necessarily aspire to that sort of lifestyle.

And you know, and it might be wrong to portray teenagers behaving like that as an aspirational package.

Not wrong, but just slightly irresponsible and lazy.

Perpetuating certain awful modes of behavior.

So what about a series just called Pens?

Right.

What happens in Pens?

Not much.

They're very nice teenagers.

They might have one or two very tame drugs occasionally at a party.

Tidy their rooms.

They tidy their rooms.

They like to know a person a lot before they kiss them or sleep with them.

One of them's into long distance running, gets up very early in the morning to train.

They've all got exams coming up, mocks coming up, and they really are trying to knuckle down because they realise how important it is to get good grades.

They absolutely love their mummies and daddies.

They love their mummies and daddies.

They spend a lot of time studying and reading.

Do you think that would be good?

Yeah, they read historical novels all the time and they talk about it.

Dostoevsky and that kind of thing.

I like that show.

I think that that show would maybe cater to a larger slice of the teen population.

Surely.

If we can't get E4 to make pens, I'm sure BBC 3 will.

That's got to be on the agenda.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.

It's time for some music.

Here's Paul Weller.

That's Paul Weller with All I Want To Do Is Be With You.

and you're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Yeah, last week, and we're going to do some Stephen news now, last week we had an email from a listener called Joe Clackston who announced to our listenership that at last Monday's screening of the director's cut of Blade Runner at the BFI IMAX on the South Bank in London, he was planning to shout Stephen before the film.

So this was an exciting kind of pre-emptive email.

He didn't actually say whereabouts he was going to shout Stephen

What, where he would be in the auditorium?

No, at what point?

No, well, he said he wasn't going to do it during the film.

Right.

Because he has, you know, proper respect for filmgoers and their enjoyment of the film.

Of course.

So one assumes he would do so before.

Okay.

But here is his email.

This is from Joe.

Firstly, thanks for reading my message out on the show last week.

Here follows my report.

I decided to call Stephen just as the lights were going down, as shouting anything during the film is a no-no in my book, and I needed some light in order to see who, if anyone, would answer.

So the lights go down and the shout is released from my mouth.

Stephen!

Almost immediately the response came, just coming!

I looked toward the reply and saw in the fading light a bearded man who was looking over in my direction.

Was that you Adam?

It wasn't.

I tried to signal to him but I don't know if he saw me.

If the person who answered me is listening, maybe he could get in touch with the show.

He says the film was amazing, Riddles has fixed the Snake Lady robots dodgy hair wig, etc.

So there we go, Joe.

That seemed as if it worked well and we do have a couple of other emails from people who are in the same screening.

This is from Martin in Camberwell.

Hi Adam, hi Joe.

I was present at the Blade Runner IMAX showing on Monday, almost anticipating Joe Clackston's Steven outburst more than Ridley Scott's masterpiece.

Although Clackston did go through with it, I'm sorry to report that his Stephen was shouted as the noise of the advertisements began.

This rendered his effort inaudible for anyone other than in the six surrounding rows.

Clackso?

There you go.

You're being dissed by Martin Reed there, Clackston.

But still he got a response from the first six rows.

He did.

But then on the other hand, someone else who was there, Martin Cross,

says, uh, I heard last week's podcast, including the listener who chimed in regarding a preemptive Steven event at the IMAX.

I thought you should know your contributor made good on his promise.

He got the desired response.

So that's good.

I think congratulations are in order there.

Joe, you must be very proud.

You conducted that experiment with great efficiency.

I didn't ruin anyone's enjoyment of the film.

Couple more Steven things.

Here's another email from Bernie, the trainee air traffic controller.

He says, hello Adam, hello Joe.

This is a crappily vague, I realise, but in response to your wishes to get Steven on live TV.

Oh, I'm convinced that earlier this week during Martin Wolfie Adams' first round match at the BDO Darts World Championship, somebody shouted out Steven between throws.

This isn't the email I thought it was.

We got an email

from someone who'd actually held up a piece of card with the word Stephen written on it during a televised darts match and they sent us a frame grab of said darts match with the Stephen in it.

So that would be the first official written Stephen in a TV show.

That would be amazing.

Well, if we can find it, we'll track it down and try and stick it on the Six Music website.

And then finally, we've got some audio clips, haven't we?

Oh yes, this is from a film.

Yeah, this is from the film Cable Guy, and people are often sending us mentions of Steven in music and films, but this is, well, we're only gonna play the best.

This is, we think, the ultimate Steven shout-out in a film.

Do you know?

Oh, you just said it, didn't you?

You just said it, I think.

Did I?

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

It's from Cable Guy.

Here it is.

That's a good one.

Yeah, and there's another one that's pretty similar.

That's Broderick's character, is it?

No, I don't know, maybe I don't know.

I think that was Broderick saying I'm coming.

I haven't seen them for years.

That's not an enjoyable film to sit through.

Some people love it.

Some people think it's a classic.

It's got some good bits in it.

Anyway, that's Stephen News.

Do keep it coming in.

We're not going to overdo, Stephen.

I think we should lay off it for a bit.

Well, we're away for a couple of weeks anyway, so yeah.

As you know, we've got our pre-record next week and then we've got Danny Wallace filling in for us the week after that.

Right, there you go.

It'll have a rest then.

Music time though, is this another free play?

Yeah, this is The Beatles with Tax Man with the counted in John Lennon introduction intact.

If you play it normally from the computer here at the Big British Castle, they chop it out.

Outrageous!

We'll be tolerated.

Here's the whole thing.

That's the Eagles of Death Metal with Wannabe in LA.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.

We've had a couple of ideas of how to improve the first four minutes of the new series of Skins.

Brad in Lewis says, as another addition to the Skins intro, a hero could look down at a list of grade U's on his GCSE paper before rolling it into a ball and casually tossing it away on the street.

Oh, what about using it to roll a big spliff?

That's a very good idea.

Yeah, says Brad.

And here's another one from Jonathan Stubbs who says, I just watched the intro to Skins, a truly dynamite piece of television.

I just feel sorry for the skateboarder when he has to walk up the massive hill at the end of the day and everyone who he upset on the way down is waiting for him.

That's the bit they don't show you.

Thank you, Jonathan.

It's now time for the news at half past 11.

That was... Sorry, Adam.

That was Lady Tron there.

I'm not talking about the record.

I'm talking about the voice you just heard was Lady Tron.

I am Lady Tron.

What was that song called, Lady Tron?

My song was called International Dateline.

Will you come home with me, Lady Tron?

I will come home with you.

You are attractive.

Thank you, Lady Tron.

Lady Tron makes you.

Do you mind if I break you?

Lady Tran does not mind being broken.

Good.

That was recorded in the 6th Music Hub for the Tom Robinson Show on the 22nd of September 2005.

What a day!

Ooh.

Now listen, sorry about that, that sounded like I didn't really mean it.

Well I hope you didn't.

Viral news, that would be another thing you could have at the top of Skins, it's a little viral somewhere on the phone.

Anyway, viral news.

This is one that's been doing the rounds the last couple of weeks and it's a viral ad for Microsoft for a bit of software called SongSmith.

Now, this is an extraordinary thing.

A couple of people have emailed us about it.

And when you first watch this YouTube video or internet video, it appears to be a parody.

Right.

One can't believe that it is made sincerely in any way at all.

But actually, if you do your research, it's very easy to discover that it's real software.

Yeah.

It actually looks like quite a fun bit of software, which I wouldn't mind using, but I don't think you can get it for a Mac.

It basically promises to automatically construct a backing track once you've sung a tune into a computer.

So basically you just sing over a drum pattern and then it just fits the appropriate chords in various styles to your tune that you've sung in there.

We could really do with something like that for song wars, it'd be great.

But I don't think you can get it for a Mac, I might be wrong.

Anyway, so it seems like a real ad, but it's hard to figure out what Microsoft's advertising plan is, because most recently they've been responding to the Mac versus PC ads, which of course were terrifically successful for Mac, and trying to gain back some of the ground that they felt was lost.

Mostly successful for Mitchell and Webb.

Yeah, mainly Mitchell and Webb were delighted about it.

But you know what I mean?

They seem stung by the idea that PCs have been characterized as nerdy and stuffy, and they're trying to regain some of that lost ground with the hipsters.

But they've done it with some pretty rubbish ads, like they had an ad recently, I think it's still running in fact,

with people sort of saying, yeah, I might not be super trendy or anything, but I'm a PC.

I'm not what you'd call hip.

And then there's another guy saying, I'm a human being, not a human being.

It's as if they're victims.

It's as if the Mac marketing men have actually insulted and, you know, been reductive about a certain strata of the population.

They're standing up for their rights as human beings and their self worth.

And there's a sense that they're... It's like a political ad almost.

There's a sense that they're celebrating their shortcomings.

Yeah.

And their ordinariness.

Which is entirely absurd.

You know, it's a silly way to go, generally.

But this ad for Songsmith, which is online, easily findable, seems to... If it is ironic, it's a brilliant...

piece of irony that would be lost on almost everyone.

So maybe not the best advertising strategy.

But let me play you a few clips here.

Basically, here's the scenario.

It's the family kitchen, right?

It's an American family.

And Lisa, the young daughter, is playing with songsmith on her laptop, which incidentally appears to be a Macintosh with some stickers to cover the logo.

While her dad is in the background fretting about a jingle that he has to write for his job in advertising.

And the jingle is for a product which is glow-in-the-dark towels.

Right?

So here's the first clip.

It's supposed to come up with a campaign for glow in the dark towels.

I wouldn't even buy a glow in the dark towel.

But if I don't come up with something today, I'm done.

I'm singing with my laptop, making up new songs.

What are you doing, Lisa?

I've never heard you sing.

I'm making songs with songs mid-dad Because it's the cool new thing

You're writing music?

When did you learn how to write music?

Well, there's so many worrying things about that.

The first of which is the father's never heard his daughter sing.

And how old is she?

About 10.

No, she's about 12 or 13.

About 12.

And he's never heard her sing.

And he merely says that so that they can rhyme it with the word thing.

That's not great attention to the reality of the mise-en-scene, is it really?

No.

So a bit later on that Lisa then explains how the thing works and she basically explains in the medium of songsmith and here's the clip right now for doing that.

It's got a lovely voice.

Yeah.

Like.

She's got a really bratty kind of American Broadway child actor voice hasn't she?

Super confident and noble and don't mess with me otherwise I'll sue you kind of.

That's right, not a note out of place.

It's good for songsmith to work with so dad is absolutely bowled over by this and he swipes the laptop from Lisa and he takes it to work and gets to work on his own glow-in-the-dark towel jingle right and remember of course if he doesn't come up with something

today.

It's a stern boss, right?

Who's done?

There's a stern boss.

There's someone else pitching.

The meeting's going badly.

Exactly.

It looks like they're going to lose the account.

Well, here's the jingle that he comes up with.

Songsmith, huh?

Well, my band has some songs.

Hang on, one clip back.

The jingle that he comes up with is number... Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, I had it the wrong way around.

It's clip confusion.

It's number four.

Let's hear the jingle.

No, I'm sorry, Ben.

Ben, I'm all over the shop here.

Yeah, play track 16.

You know what?

We'll cut this bit out of the podcast.

We'll reorder it.

So super smooth.

Yeah.

Blow in the dark towel, Jingle.

Take one.

Sometimes it's dark, but you still need to get dry.

Our towels rock.

Oh yeah, you can see them anytime.

That's pretty impressive stuff, isn't it?

The correct response, if you pitched that as a jingle in any marketing meeting, would be get out.

Yeah.

Would be security.

Exactly.

Brian, can you call security, please?

Now, Mr. Hawkins, are you having a mental breakdown of some kind that we should know about?

Is there something wrong with your family at home?

Why are you using software that's clearly for the under fives?

This is an international telling company.

Uh, we've got a lot of money invested in this and you're treating it like an episode of Bob the Builder.

Well, you're going to find out how the meeting went shortly.

But before that, there's a chap, a groovy chap who looks a bit like M. Night Shyamalan.

Yes.

Who is looking over dad's shoulder as he poses the jingle.

He's in a Starbucks.

All this action happens in tables in a Starbucks in the street.

Yeah.

And so this random guy walks up with a little earring in his ear looking kind of groovy, yet nerdy, and he says, oh, wow, you're using soundsmith.

Looks easy to use.

It's a Microsoft thing, right?

And he announces that he's in a band, so he's excited by the positive potential.

What he actually says, sorry to interrupt, but he says, it's Microsoft, right?

So it's easy to use.

Yeah.

because everything Microsoft do is easy to use, right?

And so then he goes back home and he gets to work composing his track.

This is track 15, Ben.

Let's have a listen.

Songsmith, huh?

Well, my band has said my songs have been a little stale lately.

Maybe this is just what I need.

So he's in a... This is his song.

Wow.

Nice.

Wait a second.

I mean, he's being very lyrically aggressive.

Yeah.

His voice is too powerful, especially the way he says...

Is there an amplification system powerful enough to actually pick up that voice?

That's going to be a good moment though, isn't it?

When he comes into band practice and unveils, listen, guys, guys, it's cool.

It's cool.

I'm going to take us in a slightly new direction and I think it's going to be really great for the band.

It's music for toddlers.

I think Kill Fist are really going to start going places as a band once we start playing this new track.

And it's exciting, and then he would get beaten up and the band would disband.

Anyway, meanwhile, Dad has gone home, and he is debriefing with his wife about how his meeting went after he unveiled his amazing jingle.

So here is that scene with his wife, which concludes this amazing songsmith ad.

17.

It's just smoother than that.

How did your meeting go today?

Did the bosses like your ad?

Well honey, thanks to Song Smith, it was the best they ever had And also thanks to Song Smith, now we're singing all the time And what a happy home we'll have with every word in

So that's the bit that probably makes you think, actually, this has got to be a spoof, surely.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

The bit where it cuts to the daughter at the train station running away from home because she's so ashamed of her parents.

That's not real, though.

That's not real.

It's very peculiar indeed.

It's troubling.

I mean, I would love to know for a fact what was going on in the minds of the people that conceived that ad for Song Smith, whether they really thought

Yeah, we'll do it like deliberately cheesy so that it'll be funny and it'll have two layers.

It'll tell people like how the software works, but also it'll be like an instant viral hit because people will think it's so cheesy, which is probably how they think.

Don't you?

I agree.

I'm just... Or do you think they were just morons?

I don't know.

It's very, very, very hard to tell.

I think the way that the guy, the M. Night Shyamalan lookalike guy tries to convince you that Microsoft products are easy to use signifies that it is actually sincere.

Oh yeah.

Because they're trying to get genuine sort of straight product points in there.

Absolutely.

No, the main thrust of the ad is selling the software, which, you know, did a good job on me.

I want to...

But that was good, man.

It was good.

And can I congratulate both you and Ben for dealing with the complicated fact that neither of you knew which clip you were going to play.

Yeah, sorry about that.

It was my fault.

That was fun.

I like the silences and then the sudden random numbers being mumbled.

17.

This is a free play from me.

This is the Ohio Players with you and me.

Yeah, that's the Ohio Players with you and me, and what a lovely military breakdown in the middle of that song.

Yeah, it's nice.

Good to hear a bit of marching band action unexpectedly popping up.

Hey, listen, just before we conclude Text the Nation, I just have to tell you that I've been fired, Joe.

Really, from this station?

Yeah.

For the way you didn't order your clips properly in that last link?

There was that.

I mean, there's all kinds of things it could have been.

I know.

The main offence was saying that it was John Lennon doing the count-in on Tax Man.

Actually, it was George Harrison.

Quite a lot of people emailed in to correct you on that.

So I've been fired and also they're going to cut my arms off.

Good.

Not for the clip thing.

No, they're going to glue them to the weatherman so he can point at more clouds.

Extra clouds.

Let's have a quick Texanation jingle, Ben, if that's OK.

Texanation, Tex, Tex, Tex, Texanation.

What if I don't want to?

Texanation.

It doesn't matter.

Text the Nation this week is about remaking very famous films and who you would put in them and what you would do with them and stuff.

We'll get through these pretty quickly.

Here's one from Mark Sandell.

He says, how about a remake of the first Mad Max film?

You can be a studio boss here, Adam.

You've got to commission these.

You've got to give green light them.

Yeah.

What do studio bosses sound like?

Yeah, OK.

I'll talk like that.

That's exactly what they sound like.

How about a remake of the first Mad Max film?

I'm sure that idiot Colin Farrell would jump at the chance to play Max.

Pharo.

I like it.

It's a gold project.

There you go.

He also says Tron could probably use a bit of a facelift also, but of course that's in production.

They're doing it.

Are they live action Tron?

Yes, but I think there's the number two instead of a T in the title.

It was live action before with noodles, wasn't it?

We're a lot of noodles, a lot of pasta.

Here's one from Nick Bory.

It says, it's only a matter of time before the studio's commissioner remake of Labyrinth.

Unfortunately, a mental block is preventing me from seeing beyond the omnipotent, irritant Russell Brand being cast as the goblin king.

That's the thing, is that Brand is a great brand, literally I mean that, because you can cast him as almost anything.

So I like it, it's a Go project.

Yep, good.

Here is one from Simon Reason.

It's a good name.

He says, Hi guys, I'd like to see Ricky Gervais take his Hollywood career to the next level by taking on the Ned Beatty role in a remake of Deliverance.

That is a frightening mental image.

Lots of people might like to see that.

Here is one from Bob Sheffield.

Oh, no.

Sorry, Bob.

To disappoint you.

I'm not going to read yours out.

I didn't read it properly.

Stephen Penzant says, Hi, guys.

How about the graduate remade with Mrs. Robinson played by the winking Anne Robinson?

That would be enough to wither the will of any man, wouldn't it?

They did a kind of... They did a sequel to the graduate.

They did, didn't they?

Yeah.

With Aniston.

Yes.

There's another pirate R just to make people annoyed.

A lot of emails about the way I've stopped going R and started going R. Which is something that our friend Louis used to do, through, that I was impressed by when I was young.

I thought I liked the way Louis goes R. And all you have to do is do it like a pirate out of the bottom left hand side of your mouth and it's really rewarding to do in the middle of the conversation.

People hate it.

Stop.

Good idea.

uh there we go um more time for more just one more one more i gotta do a good one oh stay tuned listeners someone suggested will ferrell in a remake of blade runner that's right yes as as his first serious role i can't find it anymore that's it folks we've run out of time thanks very much to everyone who

Texted and emailed we will be away next week.

However, the show will be pre recording and it's a cracker We recorded it yesterday.

So yeah, there'll be some confusing time clips in it And don't forget, of course, the podcast will be available from Monday evening.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw and have a great week.

Thanks very much.

Bye