The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (10 January 2009)

There'll be some music and some random talking in between and then eventually the whole thing will just end.

Mmm, smooth sounds.

Welcome aboard.

That's Soul to Soul with Keep On Moving.

In the late 80s, Jazzy B from Soul to Soul was like a kind of community police officer, wasn't he?

Yes.

He was very much trying to keep things moving.

He would stand on the corner of the street, keep on moving, don't stop.

He had a saying, didn't he?

I can't remember what it was.

Be something, be selective, be an asset to your collective.

Be reflective.

But that's just cycling safety.

Well, that was part of it.

That was for the cycling proficiency gang.

Be a detective.

He'd make a good Jimmy Savile for the noughties.

Yes.

Don't you think?

Absolutely.

In a big chair with some gold chains?

Yeah, that's a nice idea.

Thanks.

Because he's got a distinctive look.

And we could easily build him a distinctive chair.

Exactly.

And he could do fun runs.

Yeah.

He could devote his life to raising money for charities.

He was always keen on making people's dreams come true anyway.

Exactly.

So he's already halfway there.

Yeah.

All he needs to do... What are the missing pieces of the Savile puzzle?

Well, a strange relationship with your mum.

A bit of taking people into the basement, tying them up, slapping them about a bit, allegedly, according to Louis Theroux's documentary.

I think Savile himself admits that at some stage.

Exactly.

He has no shame about that.

He's proud of it.

The early days is a bouncer.

And that's pretty much it, I think.

The only other thing that's involved is for Jazzy B to actually do it.

Yes.

I mean, he's got to, though, because there's a yawning chasm on television for that kind of figure, isn't there?

Yes.

Let's go no further.

Hi, my name's Adam Buxton.

Hey, my name's Joe Cornish.

And together, we are Adam and Joe.

And that's... And we're murder.

And we're murder!

Where we met, it was murder!

So we're going to be here until 12 o'clock.

It's a busy show today.

It's a very busy show.

We've got to unveil some new song wars songs.

We went to the cinema, both of us, independently this week.

And we went to see Baz Luhrmann's Australia.

And we've written songs about that.

We are going to be talking to my dad a bit later on, who spent some time with Coolio a few years ago.

So he's going to be giving us the inside track on Coolio.

That's a true thing.

I'm not just making that up.

This is good, man.

This is like a What's Coming Up package.

Well, we've actually got things in the show.

It's really good.

I'm impressed.

We've actually thought of a textination more than five minutes before we actually launch it this week.

So all that is to look forward to as well as more great music.

Right now, here's the Noisette with Wild Young Hearts.

The noisettes with wild young hearts.

This is Adam and Joe here on Six Music.

You're going for noisettes, are you?

Noisettes, yes.

That would make them sound nutty.

Well, exactly.

I like to imagine them as a tasty box of chockeys with crispy, praline centers.

Noisette was always my least favourite of the chocks.

Ooh, I love them.

Did you?

You see, we'd work well with a box of chocks.

I mean, you wouldn't be any fighting, no scrappies.

I never realised until recently that you are such a choco expert.

I do like the chocks.

You love the chocks.

Yes.

That's interesting, isn't it?

I listened to the podcast from last week.

It sounded like I was on Mogadon.

Yeah, you were a little bit sluggish.

The thing is that I'd made the mistake of driving up from East Anglia that morning, so I had to get up at five o'clock.

I'm never going to do that again.

I got my sleep last night feeling spry, crisp and dry.

Well done.

Good.

Thanks very much.

You don't leave any residue on the paper towel?

No, that's absolutely true.

Yeah.

Just a bit of... Or less.

Little less.

Little bit less.

Tiny bit less.

Than a leading brand.

Yeah, thank you very much indeed.

So coming up pretty soon where I'm veiling the new Song Wars, I'm not going to say too much about mine.

Are you happy?

Not happy?

Can you say that much?

I don't really know.

I'm beyond emotions like that.

Are you?

Emotions?

Yeah.

But it's exciting stuff.

Yeah, we'll do that just after the news, shall we?

Yeah.

Can I tell you, listeners, while we're catching up at the beginning of the show here, if you were listening last week, we were talking about The Wattle.

We were asking you to think of other ideas for rebranding existing objects, the way that The Wattle seems to have done with plastic bottles.

The Wattle was something my wife got for Christmas, and it's just a plastic bottle that's called The Wattle.

Um, but it leaked all over my wife's bag this week.

No, really?

Yeah.

That's terrible.

So not only is it not in any way more special than a normal bottle, even though it claims to be something different, it's absolute, it's just worse.

Where was it leaking from?

uh the top of it the lid yeah it's got a sort of fancily designed lid that actually works less well than a regular lid that's terrible yeah so it just leaked everywhere we should contact the manufacturers of the wattle you should see what they say yeah it's a waste of water not only is that environmentally

disingenuous to try and save the manufacture of water bottles by manufacturing more water bottles, to then leak precious water into handbags.

You know, that's what the water companies are getting in trouble for.

That's right.

I don't think it was that much water.

Still?

Still.

Every little counts.

Yeah, that's absolutely true.

And it's a disgrace.

And now the bottle is in the bin.

Really?

In the binel?

In the non-recyclable bin pile.

That's terrible.

It's a shame, isn't it?

That is a massive shame.

So I'm sorry to bum you out, listeners, by giving you that slightly tragic, environmentally depressing story this early in the show.

But I can tell you, from here on in, it's all going to be uphill.

Now, Joe, is this your free choice?

Yeah, this is my free choice.

This is an exciting new band from Basildon in Essex.

And it's formed by, you know that band Depeche Mode?

Oh yes.

The guy that writes the songs for them has left.

And he's got together with a woman called Alison Moye.

And Depeche Mode, they've got the kind of throwback early 80s sound.

They have, yeah, exactly.

It's very contemporary right now.

This is a band called Yazoo.

This is their new single, it's called Don't Go.

That's the Hold Steady with Stay Positive.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

It's freezing outside.

It's literally freezing and it's grey and you're well advised to stay indoors as long as you possibly can and listen to this, alright?

OK.

Listen, listeners, we're going to do a bit of Steven news now.

Yeah, we haven't done any Steven news for a while.

No, we decided to knock it on the head for a few weeks because we thought it was getting out of control.

when we say out of control.

We mean that, uh, what do we mean by that?

Well, you had it when you were shopping and you were in a grump and a couple of people did it to you and you didn't, you didn't give them a... just coming back.

I got confused.

I didn't know how to respond.

Right.

I wasn't in a grump.

I was just confused, thinking about other things.

No, it's fair enough.

You were having a stressful time and you had things to do and... I think the thing is that we don't really want to be seen to be encouraging it.

Right.

Because if there are people that don't listen to the show and they hear a Steven shout out,

They might just become annoyed.

It could just become annoying.

How could you become annoyed by someone shouting, Steven?

Because it's a quiet moment in a gig or something.

Oh, I see, I see.

And you might have, you know, heard about it.

Oh, God.

Right.

It's that thing again.

Well, no, we're not encouraging a responsible Stevenage.

We never asked anybody to do this thing in the first place, right?

Absolutely.

But anyway, we're going to read out some of the best Steven stories we've had in the last few weeks.

Just to remind people, this is a way you can contact other fans of the show in a public place if you're a listener to the show.

You shout out, Steven!

And then anybody else in the collective area would reply, just coming!

then you know they listened to this programme.

Are we going to explain the origins of it?

No, if you want to find out where the whole Stephen thing came from, you can put in Adam and Jo, Stephen, P-H-E-N, onto YouTube and you'll find a little clip that explains it there, I think.

I don't think I've read any of these before, but these are the three best ones we've had in over the last few weeks.

The first one, the name of the person who sent it, has fallen off the bottom of the printout.

Ben'll dig it up, but here it is for the moment anonymously.

Dear Adam and Jo, I thought I'd share my story of joy with you.

For New Year's Eve, me and my friend decided to go to the Astoria, where Noah and the whale happened to be playing.

I took it upon myself to make the night just that little bit more special by shouting, Stephen, as you do in a desperate bid to mingle with fellow listeners.

My friend and I agreed that if no one replied to my call, she would herself reply, thus eliminating any embarrassment that may surface.

I prepared myself as the noise levels were rather high and performed a perfect, Stephen!

There was a slight pause and suddenly a glorious thing happened.

A group of guys that were standing next to us replied, just coming!

as well as a girl who turned around majestically and chimed in, just coming!

Possibly not like that.

We pointed in unison at one another.

Like an invasion of the body snatchers.

Right.

I added that as well.

And inevitably, for the rest of the night, we formed a beautiful friendship.

Hey!

That's nice, isn't it?

That's wonderful.

Maybe romance could blossom.

And maybe there would be marriage and a baby called... Steven!

Even if it was a girl.

Here's another one from Joe Claxton in Woodford Green.

Hi Adam and Joe.

And this is good because this is a prospective Steven.

He's telling us about a forthcoming call.

Ooh, exciting.

I'm going to see Blade Runner, the final cut at the BFI IMAX on the coming Monday brackets early showing.

We assume that's the one on the south bank in London.

There are many other IMAXs.

This is worth reading out alone.

Thanks, Joe.

But I have more wonders to impart.

I will be shouting Steven at this wondrous cinematic event, and I'll let you know how it goes.

At which point will he shout Steven I want?

Well, there's no knowing.

But it's possible that some people might actually go to that screening in order to reply.

It's unlikely.

Yeah, it could just happen.

Oh, will you know?

Oh, that's quite exciting though Isn't it that he would tell us that he's gonna do that.

What's his name again?

Joe Claxton Well Joe so you're gonna get back in touch with us next week.

I hope and let us know what happened Yeah, instead of saying toodle pip at the end of his email.

He says poodle tit.

That's nice.

Nice little sign off there Joe.

You've got it all sort of Spoonerism going on.

And finally, this is from Lorraine, Mark, Josh and Katie.

Hi there, just after Christmas, and this is a good one.

Alright.

Just after Christmas, my hubby and I spent a few days with friends in New York.

It was a 40th birthday treat for myself and my pal.

It was sooo busy, and we kept losing each other in stores and museums, so we adopted the shouting of Stephen!

to locate each other when we got separated, always followed by our gales of giggling upon reuniting.

We did it at JFK Airport and the Empire State Building queue, but in the American Natural History Museum planetarium, we got a response.

Whoa!

I shouted, STAVAAAAAN!

and a man 15 feet away burst out laughing and shouted back in a mock posh English accent, just coming, is that with a pH or a V?

It's not a very good mock posh English accent.

We just couldn't believe it.

Stephen goes global.

International Stephen.

In New York.

And in the location of that amazing, I think that's where that scene in the film Manhattan, the Woody Allen film.

Right.

They've got a wonderful scene in the planetarium bit there.

I might be wrong about that.

Wow, thanks for your Stephen updates, listeners.

We'll have more for you next week.

Right now, here's Oxford Comma Vampire Weekend with Oxford Comma.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 9.30.

It's time for the news.

He's just freestyling there.

Yeah, he's on a farm.

He's trying to get the pigs to sing.

Let's go!

Come on!

Come on, aren't you coming now?

Let's go!

That's er, the farm.

Pathetic joke.

We're all together now.

Adam, what a pathetic joke.

Oh man, it made me chuckle.

Do the pig noise again.

Good times.

Okay, I think it's time for song wars.

Let's have the jingle.

It's time for song wars.

The war of

Yes, Listeners Song Wars is the part of the show where Adam and I pick a theme, then during the week we've been at home with our respective computers making songs.

And we're going to play them and ask you to judge which you think is the best.

And this week the theme is Baz Luhrmann's film Australia.

I'm not sure how we ended up with that last week.

It was a bit of a last minute scrabble for a subject and we committed maybe before we thought it through.

Was that little noise there?

There's a tiny galleon in my mouth.

A tummy noise.

There's a pirate battle.

And it was creaking.

It was just listing on the seas.

Really?

The seas were calmed in my mouth, and the timbers were creaking.

Crikey, where are they?

There's a lot going on in there.

You've got a solid wood stomach.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that true?

No, no, the stomach is a normal stomach, but there's an ocean with a galleon there.

It's like Pinocchio.

Really a little bit So we digress Australia.

I mean, it's a good idea though, isn't it because it's a big epic film I went to see we were considering doing songs without having seen the film.

Yeah, but in the end we both see it Yeah, well, I did too.

It wasn't a good tactic for making song was easy though Was it really because it you I mean one had to sit through the film Well the trip to the cinema to see Australia like a round trip.

It was an afternoon

So in the end it took me two and a half days to do this.

Really?

Yeah, how about you?

How long did your song take?

Well, probably two afternoons and then the seeing of the film.

Yeah.

Which makes three afternoons.

Yeah.

Which makes a day and a half.

And when I went to see the film in Norwich, it was doing very well.

I went to see an afternoon screening and I was confident that it was going to be nice and comfortable.

No, it was packed out.

Really?

Absolutely packed.

And the lady selling me the ticket said, oh, it's ever so popular.

Really?

Was this an afternoon screening?

Yeah, yeah.

A matinee.

It was a matinee, it was on a weekday, obviously.

That's good news.

It was doing really great business.

I think that's good news.

And you know, it was hard to tell what the audience thought of it, because audiences in Norwich... They're just dazzled by the novelty of films.

I was actually going to say they're incredibly respectful.

Right.

And they maintain a wonderful silence throughout any screening, which makes cinemas go in Norwich.

Oh, look, it's moving!

Can you not talk about my fellow East Anglians that way, please?

Sorry.

What about you?

What was your screening like?

It was pretty empty.

It was in the Odeon West End in London and people seemed to be digging it.

Yeah.

I enjoyed it.

Was there hooting and cheering?

No.

Why would there be?

Exactly.

There was bemused silence.

What was the high point of the film for you?

This is a film, incidentally, listeners that is around two hours and 45 minutes long.

It's longer than that.

I think it is exactly two hours, 45 minutes.

Well, I can't discuss it any further, because I say all I want to say in my song.

Right.

So, I mean, there's some obvious things that we would have done in this song, right?

Right.

Do you think it's worth checking which ones we've both done before?

I don't know.

Yeah, well, why not?

Didgeridoos.

No.

You've not got any didgeridoos?

No, didgeridoos.

What?

I couldn't find a didgeridoo sound on GarageBand.

There is a couple in there.

Are there?

Yeah, although they're not easy to use to sample.

What else?

Rolf Harris reference?

No.

You see, I steered away.

I knew I could see it was just too obvious for me to do my stupid Australian accent and say dingos and stuff like that.

Since when have you started becoming Mr. Non-Obvious?

I'm not saying that's a bad thing to do, but I thought, I bet you Adam will do that.

You were right.

What else?

Okay, references to how long it is.

Got one of those.

Yeah, of course, you got two.

References to Nicole Kidman's accent.

Uh, nope.

Oh, really?

You've gone really non-obvious.

Well, mine's a fairly straightforward song.

Okay, well, let's flip a coin and find out.

Here's a coin, I've got a coin.

Oh, you've got one.

Okay.

Oh, I've done it.

What do you call?

Okay, I call Tails to go first.

Oh, it's Tails.

Ooh.

So you better go first.

Alright, well, without further ado, here's my song about Australia.

Would you like to hear a story?

I'm a genius, oh I'm told My films will really blow your mind Especially if you're six years old My latest is an epic lump that's called Australia It costs a lot of wonder and I hope it's not a failure

It's all about a kind of magic app, original girly boy And Nicole Kidman's British accent, which is such a joy And it's got Wolverine who look at his lovely manly chest But don't expect a whole lot more of you are gonna get a bit depressed

Oh, it's spectacular, we use computer technicals Look at all the ships and planes, look, it is a load of balls It's very long, so you'll need a pillow and a snack You will be starving by the time the flipping Japanese attack

So wub wub wub wub Wub wub wub wub Wub wub wub wub wub Wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub w

And then it sort of fades out.

Back into the outback.

Wow.

That's a brilliant evocation of an authentic Aboriginal song.

Thank you very much.

Well, it's an evocation of a Rolfe Harris song, really.

Really?

Did he ever do any songs like that?

Summer Eyes.

Ah.

Yeah.

Well, that's very beautiful.

Thanks very much.

There were quite long passages of just the noises.

Yeah.

With no lyrics.

I know, it seems like... Just so one could sort of swim in the beautiful harmonizations.

Sure, sure.

Absolutely.

I know, it seemed very much slower than I remember it.

So there you go, that's song number one, that's Adam's song, er, the text number, no you can't vote by text actually, you've got to vote by email, right?

In this new era of strict regulations here at the castle.

The email address is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk

And so here's my one.

It's pretty much the same, but it's musically different.

Some of the lyrical content is similar, but it's musically a bit different.

This is mine, it's called Australia, and it comes with apologies to Kim Wilde.

And a fiver for a coke it was supposed to be About the history of the antipodes But it lacked authenticity It was Bazlamans Australia

As the moon's australia And that tight English wife Comes to reclaim her farm But finds her husband dead And falls in love with you Jack-Mom When she sees him take his shirt off Evil wrencher played by that man from cocktail Tries to destroy her heart, he wants to make her business fail

It's Bazlamans Australia!

Bazlamans Australia!

Then there's a little boy, half that boy written

It's coming to an end Instead it keeps going on It's over three hours long I don't know what happened next Because I got up and left

I have better things to do And my pump was not mine at my time I will watch the rest of my TV When it sounds on DVD

Did you really get up and leave?

Yes.

At what point?

When the bombs started falling, when the planes, when it started turning into Pearl Harbour.

When the Japanese arrived.

Yeah.

Oh, you missed all of your amazing stuff.

I was just fidgety.

Sure.

And you know, I like to do that with films these days.

I like to watch, especially when they're long, watch a bit and then I save up a bit for the DVD.

Yeah.

So it's extra motivation.

And then I'd pay extra, you see.

Bought the DVD and the cinema ticket.

I'm really supporting the industry.

Well, good for you.

I'll probably get Australia on Blu-ray in the end.

So my total expenditure on the film... It's around about £50.

11 pounds for the ticket.

Yeah.

20 pounds for the Blu-ray.

Toffees.

Toffees, about £40 I'd put into Lerman's pocket.

Easily.

His little kangaroo pocket.

He should write you a personal thank you back there.

You should.

Dear Joe, thank you so much for going to see my lump.

I was really excited that you saw it.

Don't worry about walking out before the end.

You didn't miss much, though.

They're all fine.

My lump?

Yes.

The film.

The big lump of film.

Big film lamp.

That I did on the floor.

Thanks very much.

So AdamandJoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk is the email address for your votes.

Vote either Adam or Joe.

Um, and you can continue voting all week.

If you're listening again, you can still vote.

Uh, so yeah, please do.

Real music time, now here's Ida Maria with Oh My God!

Flipping heck, Tucker.

Ida Maria with Oh My God!

Oh my God!

I mean, she sounds like hard work, though, doesn't she?

You wouldn't want to get around, would you?

No, she's fun-loving.

Is she?

Yeah, she might smash a bottle over your head for a laugh.

Yeah.

But you'd have to just roll with that punch.

I just think she would be very easy to wind up.

I mean, if she's like that, what is it?

It's not even 10 o'clock in the morning and she's at that pitch already.

Was that coming live from her kitchen?

I was live, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, that's frightening.

She was playing that with all her kitchen implements.

Yeah.

Lots and pans.

She's been up all night.

Really?

She's all strung out.

Amazing.

I mean, um... What do you mean?

I don't know exactly what I mean.

So listen, this week, I was at the petrol station.

Have you ever been to one of those?

Yeah.

You need them to keep your cars going, right?

Yeah.

And I was distracted by something.

I was filling up my car and I looked down and I realized I'd been filling it up with the wrong stuff, right?

It was supposed to be diesel.

Oh no, that's terrible.

I was filling it up with unleaded.

So what would you do in that situation?

I put about 15 quid's worth of petrol in, so not that much.

You drive a diesel car.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I would get panicky.

I'd worry.

Yeah, because you have to drain it don't you and then otherwise you can destroy the engine, right?

What would happen if you started just driving on that stuff?

It would blow up, right?

It would blow up, or it would just splutter to a halt.

It would explode.

Well, yeah, it was really bad because you know, I was with my son and we'd been to the cinema and it'd been a fun day.

Did you take him to see Australia?

No, mate.

I took him to see bedtime stories.

Oh, bad luck.

Thanks very much.

I wish you'd warned me.

Yeah, well, you could have read any publication.

Oh, I don't read those views.

Would have warned you.

Russell Brand, back to his brilliant best.

Right.

But, so I was really frightened about being stranded out there.

It was late at night and I wanted to get back home after bedtime stories.

So I went in and asked the advice of the attendant there in the garage.

And he chuckled at me a little bit for being so daft.

And he said, don't worry, everyone does it.

And you'll be fine if you top it up with diesel.

No, mix the two together.

Yeah, have a little cocktail.

And he said, just top it right up, you should be fine.

How much should you put in?

Well, about 15 quid's worth, not that much.

So a full tank is about 65 quid at the moment.

So yeah, about a sixth of a tank or something like that.

And he said, top it up and keep on topping it up.

like whenever you get the opportunity, you know what I mean?

To dilute it.

Yeah.

And it should be all right.

He said, I'm not an expert.

So what happened?

It was fine.

Absolutely.

Wow.

What a story.

Tell me expand about the bit where it was fine.

Listen, it's your job to make something out of that story.

I set the story up.

And then you find the thing in the story that people might find fun.

You roll, you run with it some way.

You don't just take it and shoot it in the head.

In that situation, just make it up.

You broke down on the motorway.

Okay.

We started driving about 15 minutes after we started driving, the car blew up.

It blew up.

And you and your son were killed and you're a ghost?

No, we were fine.

My son carried me out of the burning wreckage of the car.

He's got superpowers.

It turns out he's got superpowers.

Now that's his story.

Now are you happy?

Yeah, what a story.

Brilliant.

Right, here's a free play for you listeners.

I was reminded of this record by Coolio.

We're going to be discussing Big Brother a bit later on, that's exciting, isn't it?

Coolio mentioned this song the other day and I was going to play some Coolio in fact, but it's too sweary all his stuff.

Some of it's just quite good though, isn't it?

Yeah, he's good.

He's more than a one-hit wonder that people sort of describe him as in that show.

Yeah.

His album, it takes the two hits.

He's got two hits.

Really good.

Anyway, it's too sweary, so I'm going for Gil Scott Heron instead, and the revolution will not be televised.

This is the voice of the big, pretty castle.

It is the top of the hour.

Ooh, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and glad

That's the airborne toxic event.

That's the fall.

What does that mean, the farty noise?

That's the airborne toxic event.

OK.

There's an email here from Amy who was listening to the show again via Listen Again.

She said she thought we might be interested to know that airborne toxic event is a quote from the novel White Noise by Don Delillo.

Oh, right.

Is that the novel that inspired the film White Noise with Michael Keaton?

Yes, the novelisation of that film.

But Airborne Toxic Events surely is a piece of government terror jargon.

Yeah, I think so.

But it's one of Amy's favourite books.

And she'd be happy.

Well, hang on.

I think you'd both enjoy it if you felt inclined to give it a read.

We can't read.

No, you see.

Amy, we don't read.

We can only read magazines because we get tired.

Have you got a book on the go at the moment?

Uh, no.

I've got too much writing to do.

Right.

I can't read anything, so I'm just on the mags.

Yeah.

What's your favourite mag?

I'm midway through a book called The Fourteen Times.

Ah.

And midway through another book called Word Magazine.

Right.

And also working on a book called Edge Magazine.

Very nice.

Hey, listen, we've got another email here, listeners, from a listener called Ollie Blake.

He says, hello, can I come on your show, please?

Don't want to say anything, just want to be there and feel the magic swirling around the studio.

Whoosh.

Thanks, Ollie Blake.

P.S.

I love you.

So, Ollie, if you're listening, we would like to invite you to the studio.

You can't say anything.

If you come, you're not allowed to speak.

But if you'd like to, I'm not even sure we'll pay your transport costs or anything.

But if you arrive at the studio, we will let you in.

And we would love to have you standing in the studio for the duration of the show.

As long as you have the identification to prove that you're Ollie Blake.

That you're Ollie Blake, yeah.

But you mustn't say anything.

You're not allowed to speak at all or make any noise.

No.

Listeners will know you're here because they'll be able to see you on the webcam.

And we might allow you to pull faces on the webcam, but the condition is that you say nothing.

I mean, we might poke him and prod him a bit.

We can talk to him before and after the show and during the records.

Yeah.

But when we're on air, you know, there'll be absolutely no sound of Ollie.

And probably what we'll do is just get him to sit next door for a while and then get him in here every now and again.

I think he should be in here for the whole thing.

Really?

Don't you think it'll be a bit weird?

No.

You have a little hobbit in the corner.

I think it'll be exciting.

He can make some tea for us.

Uh-huh.

But he can't, the key is he can't say anything.

We could make him, we could give him tasks and stuff, right?

To do in silence.

No, but he could come in and out of the building.

We could give him tasks to do in silence, and if he makes a noise, he's out.

Challenges, silent challenges.

Yeah, he can make noises with his body, like hit things or... But if he tries to tap out some kind of message or... Communicate.

Yeah, no, that's wrong.

At the outside world, then he's out.

He's out.

Unceremoniously as well.

Right.

So, Ollie, you have to get in touch now and tell us when you would like to come in.

You can come in whenever you like, maybe next week.

We know his email.

We know your email address, Ollie, so we'll know that it's definitely you, yeah.

So, email us in if you're listening.

So, yeah, we look forward to seeing you.

Right now, we're going to launch Text-a-Nation shortly, in fact, after this next track, I think, which is an old piece of indie pop genius.

I thought you were going to say something else, then.

I seem to be getting myself into a corner there, didn't I?

But this is a wonderful track from Björk when she was in the sugar cubes, and this is Deus.

It's Text the Nation time, listeners.

And Adam, you have thought of this week's Text the Nation, but in fact it's sort of a hangover from something we mentioned a couple of weeks ago.

Right.

Shelf Classics.

Now, I think that maybe we've coined this term.

I don't think I've read about this phenomenon in a magazine.

I might be wrong.

I don't want to tread on anyone's toes or get into a big punch-up or anything.

But I believe we have coined the term shelf classics, meaning films, particularly, we're going to keep this discussion to films, although it could apply to other media, but films that you've bought but never watched, right?

I think it's allowed to be CDs as well.

OK, if people really want to talk about, but CDs, it's slightly different.

Like, you would have to be...

It's less likely that you would buy a CD and just never listen to it.

Well, let's define the terms.

You just define them there.

It's something you've bought but never played.

Yeah.

So it's sitting on your shelf, still in its shrink-wrap.

And the reason you tend to buy these things is because maybe you've been seduced by a review or you feel obliged to.

You know, it's so much part of a current cultural currency that you feel you've got to have an opinion about it.

Yeah, or perhaps the display packaging is emblazoned with, like, nominations and stars and... Well, we were talking about the fact there's a good article in Word Magazine this month about, uh... Us.

About us.

No, about Kanye West's album and about the fact that it's got all these amazing four-star and five-star reviews, but actually, when you take it apart, it's maybe not that much cop.

So, the same applies to a lot of films.

And for me, it happens with worthy films.

Films that I feel I ought to see.

Do you know what I mean?

Or I've read about them.

And I think maybe I'm right in saying that this often happens with

films that have not been recommended by a friend.

You know what I mean?

Like a lot of good film and music recommendations come from friends, right?

In fact, more than half, you would think.

An overwhelming amount.

But when it doesn't happen, when you do your own research yourself or you listen to reviews or whatever, sometimes you end up with things that you're not really properly invested into the extent that you would actually go back and make them a priority to watch, right?

So here's a few films, for example, that I've got sat on my shelf.

The one that's been there longest came out in 2003.

It's called Osama.

Have you seen that?

No.

It's about a 12-year-old Afghan girl and her mother who lose their jobs when the Taliban closes the hospital where they work.

I mean, it's a fun story, right?

You'd want to see that.

think yeah yeah I'll see that and it's all covered in like it was nominated for it won a Golden Globe I think it was nominated for an Oscar and it was supposed to be an amazing film everyone said oh and you bought it bought it yeah I think the criteria has to be that you bought these things they can't be freebies given away with mags no bought it you've got to have paid money not only that I bought it on import

So it was about 25 quid.

My current one is the X-Files film, which I've got still in its packaging.

And, you know, the moment never arrives when I want to see the adventures of a mysterious ghost pedophile.

Especially when you know it's such a miserable film and you've read that it's even a letdown anyway.

Well I want to watch it.

Yeah.

But the time never arrives.

That's the problem with a lot of shelf classics.

There's never the right moment.

For example, the diving bell and the butterfly.

Oh no, that's just good.

Yeah, have you seen that one?

Yeah.

But you see, you've seen that.

That's great.

It's good.

So I might apply myself.

But when's the right moment for that one?

Now.

Really?

Julian Schnabel directed that one in 2007.

Four Oscar nominations.

It won 38 other awards.

The true story of Jean-Dominique Buby, who suffers a stroke and has to live with an almost totally paralyzed body.

Only his left eye isn't paralyzed.

In fact, I'd say you need to see that.

I think it would improve you.

You reckon?

Yeah.

How do you mean?

Because it's really good.

And it will move you.

What part of me do you want improved exactly?

What do you mean by that?

You don't even know it exists, you see.

Such is so badly does it need to be improved.

Compassion.

Just a little bit more compassion.

Coming from you.

What do you mean?

Compassion.

I'm being lectured by Dr Sexy about compassion.

Sexy compassion.

No, it's good.

Diving Belle and the Butterfly is very good.

Okay, here's another one.

Yeah.

Gone, baby, gone.

No, that's true, you see.

I rented that, but this is another possibly subcategory.

Stuff that you rent but actually don't watch.

Right.

You just pop it back in the slot.

Well, I'm gonna watch Diving Belle and the Butterfly.

I'm gonna make that a priority even though my wife is resisting that one because she thinks it's too miserable.

No, it's good.

But Gone Baby Gone, hard to find the right moment for Ben Affleck's Oscar-nominated story about two Boston area detectives investigating a little girl's kidnapping.

And apparently it's not a cheery experience, but supposedly very good.

Here's another one, Mongol, right?

Oscar-nominated won 10 awards, came out in 2007, the story of Genghis Khan.

I can't watch another big battle.

Right.

After the new Narnia film, that was it.

My battle tolerance cable snapped.

But it was supposed to be amazing, Mongol.

It's just another film with two huge battles meeting, uh, armies meeting in the middle of a field, isn't it?

Yeah, with subtitles.

I don't mind them.

Right.

I'm fear subtitles.

Do you?

Well, the thing about subtitles is you feel like it's a little bit of hard work, you know, and sometimes when you get back and you flop in front of the TV, it's totally wrong, right?

I'm ashamed to admit this, because obviously it's totally wrong.

And if you're 10 minutes into a good film with subtitles, you don't think about it.

But sometimes the idea that it's got subtitles just makes you reach for the romantic comedy shelf instead.

Can't agree.

Really?

Yeah, no, I think that's where you and I differ.

Right.

You love subtitles.

Yes.

But you do very little during the day.

I mean, you're mainly... You've got your feet up and you're eating chalks.

So you don't mind subtitles to not present a big problem for you.

But for me, I've been in the coal mine most of the day.

I come back, my face is covered in coal.

I'm absolutely exhausted.

You know, I carry my three children to bed and I can't read subtitles.

I can't actually see.

So listen, listeners, we would like to hear if you've got any similar shelf classics.

Also, we would like to hear from you if you can set me straight on any of those films I just mentioned.

Mongol, Gone Baby Gone, Dancer in the Dark is another one, Lars von Trier.

These are all quite worthy films.

Yeah, I mean, it happens with worthy films, because there's just never the right moment.

Really?

You're attracted by awards.

Is that what gets you?

You like the awards?

Sometimes, yeah.

For the acclaim.

I'm seduced by acclaim.

Or if it's being written about or chatted about at dinner parties.

Four or five stars, that usually gets me.

Really?

Yeah.

Send in your nominations for Shelf Classics to 64046, please.

Oh, and just before we conclude this part of the discussion, I got the Will Ferrell film, Step Brothers.

Right.

There doesn't seem to be the right moment for that one, either.

No.

It's too funny.

Yeah.

I haven't seen it because it just looks too funny.

Right.

John C. Riley and Ferrell.

And Ferrell in the same film.

Too much.

He's gonna blow my head off.

I know.

It's never the right moment for that one.

Anyway, it's Shelf Classics.

Okay, it's your free choice right now, Joe.

Yeah, this is some old-school hip-hop.

As has become habitual with me on these shows, this is third base with Step Into The AM.

Third base with Step Into The AM, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Now a second ago we were talking about a listener who'd emailed in to request whether he could come and stand in the studio in silence.

And Oli, his name is, and we said he could do that.

And it's kind of provoked a an avalanche of other people wanting to come and stand in the studio.

And some people being very cruel about Oli

What's their problem with Ollie?

Well, they don't know anything about him, but I think they're jealous.

Right.

And they're saying that, you know, he just sounds like a bit of a loser.

Ollie the Wally.

No one said, you said that.

I'm just saying that would be one way to go.

You're building up a bad, that's like a sense of antipathy towards Ollie.

Yeah.

He's going to be in here next week.

Ollie!

Is that... Do you really want to set that kind of mood between you and him?

No.

I think he's lovely.

Obviously I think he's lovely.

I'm only joking Ollie.

Can't wait to meet you.

The point of me saying this is be nice to Ollie and you know Ollie got in there first.

Yeah.

Can't just jump on the Ollie bandwagon.

So what if he's a Ollie?

You are digging yourself such a big hole.

When Ollie comes in and he's a big thug, he'll wallop you.

He's never going to wallop me.

Someone correctly pointed out that I look like one of the new gladiators.

Which gladiator was it?

Goliath.

I look exactly like Goliath.

You were going to say something unkind, weren't you?

No.

You're going to say like a fat old Goliath.

Yeah, you'd be troll.

That'll be you, Gladio.

You'd be under a bridge.

You'd have to get over the bridge.

Troll.

OK, I'll accept that mantle.

Now, how much big brother have you been watching?

Well, you know what?

A frightening amount.

Right.

I thought you were

I am, but I don't know, there's just absolutely nothing else on, apart from misery, isn't there?

It's so carefully timed.

It was QI on BBC1 and Big Brother on Channel 4 last night, and I kept gravitating over to Big Brother, I'm sorry.

But the intellectual effort required to watch QI was too much for me.

It got you, did it?

I had to flick back, yeah.

It's only subtitles.

The one thing that's annoying me about Big Brother is, is he keeps saying, um, most of the housemates are in the kitchen.

And it's obvious, they're in the kitchen.

Although the other one I heard the other day was, some of the housemates are in the house.

No, he didn't say that.

I think it was meant ironically.

But he did, it was, but is it some of the housemates?

It must be some kind of a joke, because if you edited those bits out of Big Brother, you would lose probably about six minutes of airtime.

He does seem to be slowing it a lot.

He's slowing it down and he's stating the obvious to a ridiculous extent.

They could just caption it, kitchen.

If you didn't know, I mean, there's a shot of a sink or a bed, so you know instantly anyway, you could just put the word up and you'd save loads of screen time.

Coolio is smoking a cigarette.

They're getting slack, man.

They've got to tighten that show up.

Yeah.

Who's your favourite person in the show right now?

Oh, I like.

Weirdly, I quite warmed to Pinda.

Oh, really?

Even though she'd declared herself a hardcore conservative Tory type when she walked in.

That didn't endear me to her.

She got a lot of knee-joke booing from the crowd.

She did.

They're all getting.

There's a lot of hate in the crowd.

I quite like that.

Pender, and who do I like?

I like Coolio.

Do you know?

Is it wrong to like Coolio?

I mean, he's just, he's fun though, isn't he?

I'm not talking about the, they're trying to stir up the kind of misogyny of him and like paint him as some kind of bully wife-beater man, which I don't think he is.

He's just being daft.

What are you doing?

Thinking about it.

It's so fascinating.

Coolio, what is my opinion on Coolio?

What should I say?

Well, you know who did spend a lot of time with Coolio?

I mean, that was us.

Yeah, we filmed with Coolio, isn't that exciting?

We're talking about it as if Coolio is now famous again and his career has taken off again, which isn't really the case.

In fact, going on Big Brother May, and I'm purely speculating, be an indication of the fact that his career's in the toilet.

Well, he doesn't reckon so.

Anyway, we spent some time with him.

We spent a day or a couple of days with him in Los Angeles a few years ago when we were filming for our TV show that we used to do on Channel 4.

And we got my dad to come along with us and so basically we were filming my dad hanging out with Coolio.

So I thought after the news we might give my dad a call and get some first-hand reminiscences from someone who hung out with Coolio.

How amazing would that be?

How amazing.

It's a good idea, man, and I'm looking forward to it.

But I point out that if you want to know what it's like to hang out with Coolio, then you can hang out with Coolio 24 hours a day on E4.

Yeah, but he's putting on a show though, isn't he?

He's playing a game.

That's true.

It's not a real Coolio.

And we really got under his skin.

I think we really definitely did.

Yeah, your dad did.

Before we just play this next record, I'd just like to say as well that aren't we missing a trick with Steven?

Surely we should get someone in the crowd, big brother, to hold up either a Steven banner or shout some Stevens.

To get a Steven on television would be good.

In fact, apparently there's a Stephen on the Bill Bailey Tinselworm DVD.

Right.

We've had a couple of emails in saying that there's an audible Stephen on that DVD.

Ooh, that would be good.

But if you could get a Stephen on to live television, that would be very impressive.

Like in the middle of one of Davina McCall's links, just a really nice laugh.

Stephen!

Do you think people who listened to this show would go to a Big Brother recording?

Possibly.

Do you think?

Possibly.

Anyway, listen, here's some music right now.

This was created by a fellow called Jake.

He rixed, remixed.

He rixed.

That's the new phrase.

He rixed to Franz Ferdinand.

Yeah, he really rixed that up good, man.

He really rixed it, boy.

The Franz Ferdinand track, Ulysses.

So Jake, thanks very much for making us aware of your remix.

Here it is.

That's Orbital with the Saints.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

We've just been talking about Coolio and the exciting waves he's caused.

I mean, do you think, Joe Cornish, that the reaction that he's got from some of those ladies there was particularly warranted?

Like he's made two women cry.

Yes, if you haven't been watching it, he's basically made a tactical decision to annoy everybody, and he's already a very confident man with a very sort of in-your-face persona.

Yeah.

And even when we were filming with him, he's prone to suddenly starting to rap.

Yes.

Unprovoked, hair-trigger rapping.

You'll be walking along a corridor, he'll suddenly turn and face you and just spit.

is the terminology.

Spit rap.

At you.

Yeah, spit some rap.

That's not the terminology.

Is it not?

No.

I don't think... Sprat.

Sprat.

Sprat at you.

So he seems to have made a sort of decision to annoy everybody.

He's decided this is a silly show and it's no fun without somebody, you know, trying to cause ruxions.

So he's decided to really annoy everybody.

But they're treating him as if he's like this kind of Machiavellian evil genius.

He's just quite an annoying person.

And they're all crying and crumbling and running out of the room.

It's like, I can't see anyone.

He's got a terrible persona, a voice he puts on really annoyingly.

Well, he does this kind of weird sort of voice.

Sort of, yeah, Deep South kind of, yeah, I don't know how you describe it.

Slightly camp or something, I don't know why.

Does it non-stop.

Yeah.

To wind people up.

Anyway, so listen, we thought that we would give you a perspective from the older generation, in particular my dad, who we filmed with out in Los Angeles.

I think it was in 1998 and we spent a day with Coolio.

So I think... Ten years ago.

Yeah, that's right.

So this is really topical stuff.

Topical stuff, isn't it?

It's a topical opinion.

We've got my dad here on the line.

How are you doing, daddy?

I'm very cold here in Darkest Sussex.

Hello, Nigel.

Hello, Joe.

Nice to talk to you.

Good to talk to you, too.

Now, do you remember, have you got a good memory of what it was like shooting with Coolio all those years ago?

I've got a very vivid memory, yes.

What were your impressions of him?

Because at the moment, he's kind of a baddie as far as most TV audiences.

I remember him very kindly.

He could easily have been forgiven for treating me.

If I dare say it on the BBC like a boring old fart, instead he entered into the spirit of the exercise there in LA and he seemed genuinely eager to teach me the rudiments of rap.

I can see us on a rooftop somewhere in downtown LA.

and hear him say, hey man, that's great, that's it.

He was really enthusiastic.

He was engaging me, I thought, almost innocently pleased with his own success.

I've visited recollections of his driving base through downtown LA in a vehicle that seemed to me

like an armoured personnel character.

I think it was called a hummer, or a humby, or something like that.

He had his high side blasting out.

uh... at uh... absolute for it that's why he was playing his new single i think the bump which what he was playing his new single and he was promoting it by playing it at top volume drive i didn't remember that but i remember it top volume yeah and uh... i've had this impression of being in this enormous uh... armored vehicle uh... uh... kudio at the wheel blasting out this noise and sometimes we were so down uh... lights or something uh... slow traffic and

People would recognize him and shout, and then he'd have a huge delight in shouting greetings at them out of the window, and, hey, man, and so on.

I was there with my hands over my ears a lot of the time, and he drove like Toad of Toad Hall.

But he wasn't like a bad guy, he didn't make you cry.

A week after we filmed with him, or a couple of weeks after we filmed with him, he was pulled over in that hummer and arrested for possession of a weapon and some drugs.

I wasn't aware that we were armed as well as armoured.

We were, I think.

No, I didn't see that side of him.

But then, almost anything could happen in LA, so I wouldn't be all that surprised.

So I take it that you have not been watching Celebrity Big Brother at the moment?

It's one of the programmes I denied myself, really.

It's your New Year's resolution.

It's not entirely my

What are you watching on TV, apart from David Attenborough?

Well, I've watched some interesting second world war movies, which I've watched.

I've watched history and archaeological programmes where I can, but there's a terrible chap

who presents them called Tony Robinson or something.

He's a national treasure.

He's not terrible.

He's Baldrick.

He what?

He's a very, very much loved person.

Well, he's not much loved by me because the material he has very often is very good.

But his

The delivery presentation is appalling.

Doesn't she do something about property?

No, she doesn't do.

You're thinking of the other sort of black-haired lady presenter, Kirsty.

I can't avoid her sometimes in trailers and things they do.

She's very strident, young woman, isn't she?

Yes, very assertive, very strident.

She looks like a sort of beautiful hawk.

Did you say Hawk?

Yes, I did.

Ah, well, I'm fond of wildlife, but I don't think I'm fond of Davina McCall, if she's the lady I think she is.

And just before we say goodbye, I presume you're very excited about the new series of Skins and all the trails, they're all coming out of the pub.

The new series of what?

Skins.

Skin.

Yeah, they've got a whole new cast and in the trailer they're setting off fireworks in a pub.

It's a big fight in a pub.

I think you've lost me a skin.

Something to do with deep diving.

Don't worry.

Watch out for it.

Watch out for skins.

It's a new series on E4.

Hey, thanks for talking to us, Nigel.

Thanks for interrupting your Saturday morning for us.

It's very nice to talk to you.

Much appreciated.

And stay warm.

Yes.

That's difficult to do, but I'll do my best.

Cheerio.

Thanks, Daddy.

Bye.

Here's some more music for you listeners.

Here's Sam Sparrow with black and gold.

That's Louden... Louden Wainwright the Third.

Is that so very hard to say?

With a father and a son there?

I don't know.

Ben just our producer has stuck that in there, I think, because I was talking to my dad there.

Do you think, I mean, I'm very nearly 40.

Is it too... too old to be calling my dad daddy?

No, it's never too old to call your dad daddy and your mum mummy.

You reckon?

Yeah.

We've discussed this before on our show, maybe not while we've been at the BBC.

But we both proudly still call our parents mummy and daddy.

It's hard to get out of the habit.

But if we're in public, we'll switch to mum and dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pops.

Even though we're now in public.

That's true, isn't it?

Made a slight mistake.

Poppy!

Have we got any text-to-nation stuff?

Yes, we do.

Should we have a little short jingle, Ben?

Quickly.

Oh, he's hot off the mark.

There we go.

Text the nation!

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Now, the slight problem with this text the nation subject, and it's a really good subject, but don't mean to be disparaging.

What do you mean by that?

Well, it could, if mishandled, just become people mentioning films and other people going, oh, that's really good, you should watch it, or that's really bad.

Don't bother.

Which would be good in and of itself.

I think that would be an exciting way to fill three hours of

of waffle

films or CDs have been sitting on your shelf in this wrap in their cellophane, unwatched for the sort of the longest amount of time.

So here's a couple of straightforward ones.

This is one from John Innes.

His shelf classics are Richard III with Ian McKellen.

Yeah.

Reason for not watching.

Well, Ian McKellen is great, isn't he?

But I like the idea of watching this far more than the idea of actually sitting down and putting it on.

Right.

He likes the idea of watching it, but not the actual watching.

Sure.

One shelf classic that I had, incidentally, was Looking for Richard, the documentary without the genome.

I had that for years and years.

And then finally, I watched it.

It's quite boring.

Anyway, carry on.

Sunshine, he says, the Danny Boyle sci-fi film, Reason for Not Watching, bought this in a five for £30 discount thing in a popular record store.

Embarrassingly, the cellophane on this one has now lasted longer than the shop.

Right.

So that's pretty good if the shop actually goes bust before you've undone the cellophane.

Happens a lot these days.

Certainly does in a credit contrabriton.

But you should bust open the cellophane on that one.

That's a good watch.

It is.

Sunshine's worth watching, definitely.

Arthur texts in to say, Rumpastomper is still in its cellophane.

I've never watched it.

Maybe because the chap on the jacket is intimidating.

That's Rusty Crow, isn't it?

The man on the cover.

No, it's not Rusty Crow.

Is he not in Rumpastomper?

No, it's another chap.

Which similar film is Rusty Crow in then?

I'm not sure whether Rusty's done a sort of hard-boiled prison film.

Uhhh...

Be frightened of Russell, that's what he wants.

Here's one from Robin Birmingham.

My shelf classic would have to be Das Boot.

It's been a shelf classic twice.

First on video, which I never got round to watching, and then on DVD when I replaced my unwatched video.

I think I've owned a copy in one form or another for about ten years.

And while everyone else tells me how good it is, the combination of length and subtitles puts me off every time I think about watching it.

Is it me, or do we buy worthy films in a bid to become more attractive to people in some way?

That's certainly my problem.

A bit like having a book, like a, you know, a difficult book on your shelf in the hope that someone will glimpse it.

Mmm.

Certainly it's nice to have these things in amongst all the rubbish that one tends to consume.

All the, all the, uh, uh, romantic comedies that... You and your romantic comedies.

Craig Thomas from Hertfordshire says, I've had requiem for a dream on the shelf for possibly four years.

I heard it was quite good and it was quite possibly going cheap.

It doesn't seem to be the kind of film that I could sit down and watch with my wife, so I was waiting for a time by myself.

But then someone told me it was quite disturbing and I've been put off it since.

I'm scared.

It says Craig Thomas.

Well you know Craig, one way into that film is to just watch the commentary by Darren Aronofsky, because Darren Offsky provides quite a self-congratulatory piece of monologue on there for that film, which is worth seeing.

I mean, it's got a lot going on in it, doesn't it?

Many people rate it very, very highly.

It's one of Edgar Wright's favourite films, I think, isn't it?

He likes it, yeah.

But it certainly is gruelling, you know, unless you're in the mood for a lot of gruel, I wouldn't worry about that one.

Katie texts in to say, Hi Adam and Jo, I bought our man in Havana five years ago after going to Cuba, thinking it looks sophisticated and clever and worthy, but it's still in its wrapping.

Have you ever seen that one?

Five years.

That's five years on the shelf.

Five years?

That's not bad.

She says, can I please borrow the diving bell and the butterfly after you?

Okay.

But listen, I mean, Our Man in Havana must be a good... It can't be very long.

That's an old film, isn't it?

There was a remake, I think.

Oh, right.

But it can't be over an hour and a half.

And that's a great book as well.

That's got to be worth watching.

I mean, you're not...

You're not going to be put through extreme torture.

I've done nothing about it.

Yeah, come on then, Mr. emails.

There's one more from Claire in Dolston.

She says, when I was at university, my flagmate dragged me to the midnight opening of HMV so that he could be one of the first people in the country to own Titanic on VHS.

What a night.

I had no interest in Titanic, but did revel in the idea of shopping for films at midnight.

I decided to buy the box set of Jesus of Nazareth, the TV series with Robert Powell and his amazing blue eyes.

I still haven't watched it.

It's still on the shelf after almost 10 years.

Wow, that's got to be... If we were giving out prizes, we'd have to give you a prize for that one.

Well, we're supposed to be giving out prizes for Text the Nation.

Are we?

Yeah, we offer people the reward of having their message put on the digital text scroll.

Oh yes, that's right.

Do you not remember that?

Yes.

How are we going to deal with that though?

Because people need to... What are we going to do?

Like email her back and ask for her message?

Or do people send their message in with their text?

How about... It's overly complicated though.

We could put... Congratulations Jesus of Nazareth, ten great years on the shelf.

I think that's a good idea to put a message of our own composition to do with Claire and send it out to her.

If she's the winner, we might not call it yet.

Keep your ideas and your shelf classics coming in.

Yeah, we've still got another hour of this feature.

Text them in to 640.

I mean, I think it's gone very well.

It's a brilliant one.

Yet again, you've pulled it out the back.

Um, because... Much better than my two suggestions for textination.

They were rubbish.

Or whatever they were.

We might do them next week.

But they were pointless.

No one would have, uh, no one would have got in touch with your suggestions.

Do you think?

As it's going with mine, it's, this is one of the best textinations we've done.

It's brilliant, Shelf Classics.

I mean, everyone wants to chat about it.

What do you mean you've never seen a man?

You know, you just sat there when they mentioned our man in Havana.

You just didn't even want to speculate.

I'm confused about it.

I know the book.

I don't know.

I don't know anything about it.

I mean, you're so bitter because we didn't go for your idea for Texas Nation.

You just want to sabotage my... I think my idea was better.

Strand.

Well, we can do it next week, but it won't go well.

It won't go well.

Here's a free play for you listeners right now.

This is Prince the Purple Ponce.

Pince the Ponce.

Pince the Ponce with Starfish and Coffee.

What's that song about?

Apart from Starfish and Coffee.

I wish you'd asked me that before we started playing it.

I would've listened to it.

I sprung it on you there.

Is it, I mean, it seems like maybe it's a school thing.

Is it reminiscences of... It's a love story, definitely, isn't it?

Yeah.

About an idiosyncratic girl.

Cynthia, it's like she's drawing things on her lunchbox and stuff.

Yeah, she's just a quirky student.

She's quirky!

Anyway, that was Prince...

with starfish and coffee so i was thinking maybe i should tell people what my ideas for text the nation were because then it you know if they might have some ideas they might text some stuff in no not text it but email in during the week and then might give us something to go on next week or do you think it'll just confuse the issue

Don't know.

Might confuse the issue.

Do you think I should?

Yeah, because if you do that, and people start texting in, then you're gonna be all pleased with yourself, and you're gonna start wanting to read them out.

And you'll trample all over my... Text-a-nation idea.

Or it'll just be like a little anecdote.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Shelf Classics is what we're going with this week, and it's working absolutely fine.

People are excited and want to chat about it, and they're happy to hear lists of films being read out.

And if you got behind it a tiny bit more, it would turn into one of the best text innovations we've ever had.

on the program and you're ruining it!

I'll fry your threatened by mentioning you should even mention other ideas even though I haven't even broached what the ideas are but even so just the very idea that I have an idea frightens you so much why would you even mention it though

When it's going so well, when shelf plastics is going so well.

You're so intimidated by the power of my brain.

Yeah, but if you were, if you were using your brain power so cold to get behind shelf plastics.

You're not the one that has to filter through the tedious lists of boring films.

Oh, well now you've insulted every single person who's got behind one of the best text of the nation ideas.

That my mum has sent in.

I wasn't insulting everyone I was talking about my wife.

She sent it in, and I would never insult my mum.

Well, I must say you've soured the atmosphere.

I've sussed you.

You've done like a big idea guff all over.

I didn't even mention the idea.

You went into a rage.

What an embarrassing link.

Alright, listen.

Tell us your ideas.

Well, I can't tell you the ideas now that there's been such a fuss.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Why not?

Well, no, I'd like to hear them.

I'd like to hear them.

No, no, I'd like to hear them.

It's not fair to introduce an idea in this distorted atmosphere that you've created with your furious ranting.

Not confident about the idea, eh?

I'm very confident about the idea.

Obviously not that confident.

You'll see next week it's going to be the best text the nation ever.

Not all that confident.

I'm going to now select those boring texts and read them out and drive the show into the ground.

This is going to be the worst 40 minutes or 50 minutes of broadcasting in the history of the BBC.

What, another one?

Okay, here's some music for you folks van she what do we know about van she is it on my?

It's all on the sheet isn't it should read the sheet van she they're from Sydney You know what I was thinking that it was gonna be van Morrison in drag now It's a nice idea though I was thinking that we should do some kind of Australian flavored thing seeing as we've got our

Australian Song Wars.

We've been doing nothing but Australian flavoured things.

Really?

For the last six months.

Alright, well here's a bit more.

This is Vanshi, they're from Sydney and the record company described them as a new band from Sydney.

That's exciting.

They're fresh on ideas, fresher than Flavour Flav, fresh like Coriander and fresher than the Fresh Prince.

This is their record company.

What a job having to write that kind of stuff.

It was a really thankless task being the person that writes the press release for the new bands, don't you think?

Fresher than coriander.

No, fresh like coriander.

I mean, that's not something that you would think of as when someone says fresh, you don't think, like coriander.

Anyway, maybe they do when they're listening to this.

This is Van Shee with Cat and the Eye.

Why would you make it up, though?

I was talking heads with Brode to Know where Joe was just reading me out an email from someone.

Read out an email.

Uh, Coolio.

More like not-so-Coolio.

I used to work in a Marks & Spencer's warehouse in Northampton, which dealt primarily with Italian yarn socks and various pants boxes and lady items.

Coolio worked there as well.

My main job was to stock check.

This involved counting boxes of Italian yarn socks and so forth.

As I said, Coolio also worked there.

He couldn't count.

Oh, how I'd mock him, I'd sing Coolio, Coolio, can't count pants, he's a Foolio.

Of course that's not real.

Why would you sit down and write that lie?

It's so banal.

because to give you a little chuckle.

And he switches topic and there's a whole, this is from someone called Alwyn Osgood.

There's a whole other paragraph with some anecdote about someone who's involved in football and I don't understand it at all.

He's just having fun.

He's running with the eye.

We talk rubbish.

He's talking a bit of rubbish as well.

Fair enough, that's a fair point.

Have you seen

on television, right?

The advert, the teaching advert, where the boy comes into the classroom and he makes some finger gestures, taunting the teacher, who incidentally appears to be maybe a year older than the child that's coming in, and the child is kind of, this teenage boy is kind of taunting the teacher, sort of going, you know, 2-1 or whatever, I don't know, maybe referring to some sports event.

And the teacher goes, alright, sit down.

And then it says, teaching, you can earn up to 35k a year or whatever it is, and the banter's not bad either.

I think the banter... I think it's nice.

It shows that, you know, teachers can be friends with their pupils and it can be a nice friendly environment.

I would say that is bad banter though.

It's sport-based banter, you know because if you're being seduced into the profession by that advert and the You know you're thinking what I love it's a world.

We don't understand though, isn't it the world of football and teasing each other right out scores and teams And you think that would go most male people that's fun banter.

Yeah

Yeah, it's an important part of daily life.

It's something where you can get really aggressive with one another, but it doesn't mean anything.

Similar to what recently happened with the subject of Text the Nation between us.

Don't even start raking all that up again.

It seemed vitriolic and full of bad humour, but actually it was just playful joshing.

It's just fun banter.

There's a way for us to do our nude man wrestling.

Right.

Good job as a radio presenter.

Up to 35k a year and the banter's not bad either.

That kind of thing.

You see, I would be worried though if I got into teaching because that ad... I'd be worried if you got into teaching full stop.

But I probably could if that ad's anything to go by.

I mean, that teacher doesn't look inspirational, does he?

He looks about 17.

He looks chummy.

He looks like the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand.

And he's having his coffee there.

No, the Kaiser Chief.

His haircut is even more daft than the student that's coming in.

all right all right sit down you see now you are starting to sound like your dad what's he going to be teaching you'll be complaining about how young policemen look next right welcome to friends food and studies everyone they do study that good football game at the weekend by the way boys stop it all right we'll have some more banter later okay friends Ferdinand right second album a little bit bit disappointing third album's got some great new synth sounds and some retro synth sounds uh Percy can you tell me is that what kids are called

Percy, yes.

Percy, can you tell me what kind of synths Frans are using on the new album?

A Moog.

That's right.

It's pronounced Moog, incidentally.

Okay.

A Moog.

Janine, what kind of new directions are Frans going in with this new album?

Er, I don't know, I'm on smack.

Alright, great banter.

Er, that's it for the, er, for the class for friends class today, see you guys tomorrow.

That's the kind of thing that's gonna happen in his classroom, I would think.

Have you finished?

You see, that's not supportive.

Can I read some egg corns?

Go on then.

Here are some, have we got time, or shall we do this in the next link?

It's always time.

Ben, always time.

Okay, here are some good egg corns.

Hi, Adam and Joe.

Hope I got the email right, despite Adam trying to confuse me.

A quick egg corn that I heard twice from different people on New Year's Day.

I can't wait to see what this year has got installed for me.

That's a good one.

That's from Dave Morgan in Broad Stays.

Wow, that's not a very common one.

I've never heard that before.

That's good.

I think that should take over from install.

Installed.

Good, it's more modern.

Yes.

Here's another one from Simon in Bristol.

I heard a great egg corn on the train today.

A girl sitting behind me turned to her male companion and asked, do you say raksack or rocksack?

Do you say raksack or rocksack?

She had not one but two egg corns for the same thing.

Remarkable.

I wonder what the answer to that question was.

Rocksack.

And finally, from Robert in Exeter, who is a teacher at Oakhampton College.

This ties brilliantly into what you were talking about.

Dear Adam and Jo, I thought it would be nice to give you an eggcorn to start off the new year.

I'm a science teacher and have been marking some of my students' work over the holidays.

One of my Year 8 students aged 12 had written a plan for an experiment and included a buns and burner.

which made me chuckle and think of you.

And it spelt buns, you know, like a fast food chain.

Buns and burner.

Happy new year.

That's probably like a DJ duo called Buns and Burner, isn't there?

Yes, some pretty good ones there.

That's good.

He's getting high quality banter there.

That is high quality banter.

We should make more than 35 grand a year.

Do we?

Yeah, it's outrageous.

Well, our banter's not particularly good though.

I don't think we do.

So that's why.

Here is a band for you listeners, and they were Hotly Tipped last year, I think, weren't they?

And maybe they're Hotly Tipped this year as well, because the Hot Tipping didn't quite come to anything last year.

But here's Of Montreal.

Oh, I like this band.

They took good videos.

Right, so there you go.

Hotly Tipped again by Joe Cornish, and Elluardian Instance is the ponsy name of this track by Of Montreal.

That's Joe providing the whistling there.

I didn't realize the mics were up.

I like that band.

That's very good.

I'm going to investigate them.

They're called of Montreal, and that was called... Oh, it's gone away from the screen.

What was it called?

It's called an Elouardian Instance.

It's their new single.

It's out on the 2nd of February, and, confusingly, they're not from Montreal.

They're from Athens, Georgia, home of many great bands, of course, and that's from their ninth studio album.

Ninth?

They've been around for ages, which is called, pleasingly, Skeletal Lamping.

That's a good name.

It's a good name.

And it's released in, that was released in October 2008, so that's in the shops now.

The album was released in different formats, Joe, including a conventional CD.

That's very conventional.

And vinyl, thy nill.

What?

Yeah, thy vianill, as well as t-shirts, a badge set, a wall poster and a paper lantern.

Wow.

The latter formats included a digital download code.

The album was released in the form of a paper lantern.

Yeah, but I'm telling you that.

How does that make noise?

Because, listen to me for once in your life, baby Jesus, the lantern included a digital download code for the album.

Oh, of course.

You see?

How silly of me.

So it does two jobs.

I mean, you could have that for anything, couldn't you?

You could just have pants.

You just have... With a code on it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a much better idea for record shops.

Right.

They could just become sort of tat shops.

Everything with the digital download.

With a little code on there.

That would be wizard.

Maybe that's the future for Xavi.

I'm afraid there is no future for Xavi.

Hey, listen, do you like it when people send you internet links to funny things?

Well, I do sometimes.

Sometimes they are funny.

When they're good.

Like half the time they're good.

Someone sent us one in, and typically I have lost their email, so I can't credit them by name, but they'll know who they are for a link for us to follow.

I don't know whether you would have lost them as well.

Was it the Australian Sports Commission one?

It wasn't, no, it was a little video game, online video game.

called You Have to Burn the Rope.

And I don't want to say anything else about it because it'll spoil it when you get there, but it really made me laugh.

You have to put into a search engine the words, you have to burn the rope.

Okay.

You have to burn the rope and you'll get to a little video game and you play it through, make sure you've got the sound turned up.

And then once you've played it, have a look at the various ancillary links around it.

Yeah.

It was very amusing.

Okay, it's not one of those ones that you turn the sound up and then someone just goes... No, it's more sophisticated than that.

Right, because I don't like those ones.

You have to burn the rope.

It may be that everyone's, it may be terribly, you know, popular and common, but I only just found out about it.

Oh, I've not heard about it at all, so... And it is good.

I'll check it out.

Right, it is just gone 11.30.

It's time for the news here on BBC 6 Music.

That's like shop with a track called Remind Me.

That reminded us of the fact that we were talking about maybe doing a song wars with sort of quirky Nordic music because it seems so popular in the charts at the moment.

Are there charts anymore?

On the radio, you know.

So we were going to do a sort of Björk

style, Sigur Ross style Icelandic sort of a song wars maybe.

And who's the other person that we played last week?

Taitur, is it?

Taitur.

And somebody emailed in a lovely lady saying she was a model from Iceland as usual I haven't got the email to hand but saying she would be prepared as an Icelandic lady to judge the song wars and that she was a popular model now living in London and she had a link to her website and lo and behold she is a very beautiful

She's a real model.

Nordic model.

Well, we're, you know, we're used to getting one or two exaggerations and fibberoonies via email.

So we were thinking maybe, would that be wrong for her qualifications to, you know, for the fact that she's a beautiful model to sort of... Would it be sleazy, you mean?

Would it be sleazy for that to, you know, make us invite her into song wars?

Yes.

Yes, it was.

But would that in itself be wrong?

Is it wrong to be sleazy?

Is it wrong to want to spend time with a beautiful model who's written in and asked if she fans?

Correct.

Is it?

Well, no.

One would have to say, no, it's not wrong to want to, but to actually then to use your power as a DJ to make it happen.

The power of a DJ.

You force some DJ power.

Wow.

I've forgotten what I'm doing now.

So we'll have to discuss that.

I mean, I would imagine that now we've put it in that context, it would be breaking all kinds of guidelines.

Yes.

To get her in, wouldn't it?

Well, I don't know.

Let's find out.

She's very beautiful.

Hey, listen, it's time to recap song wars, so let's have a jingle.

Quickly, Ben!

Oh god.

I was thinking about models.

We can tell you that in a second you'll be hearing our Australian Song Wars songs.

These are songs about Baz Luhrmann's Australia.

And I should point out that it's apparently neck and neck in Song Wars, isn't it?

Is it?

I think it might be.

Ben, not only does he not know, he doesn't care.

It's time for Song Wars.

Yes, it's songs themed on Baz Luhrmann's extraordinary new film, Australia, which is in cinemas now.

We both went and saw it, and we wrote songs that have some disturbingly similar elements.

The main one of which is this sound.

which appears in both songs and, you know, might be a reflection on the film.

I weirdly enjoyed it, though.

Australia, well, it's not totally boring.

I mean, I make a joke about it being boring, but... You can't take... If you're taking it seriously or if you're thinking, you know, about rabbit-proof fence or the Bruce Chatwin novel The Song Lines or any great piece of art about Australian history and culture, if you're comparing it to stuff like that, then it's a ridiculous panto.

But if you take it on those terms, it's really quite an enjoyable, ridiculous panto.

And as you'll find out in my song, I walked out of it, but only because I will buy it on Blu-ray, and I like to... I did the same with the third Mummy film.

Yeah, you would have been... I just thought, I'm enjoying this, I'm really liking this, but I'm quite busy, and I've got some other stuff to do, so I'll just leave, and then I'll buy it on Blu-ray, and I'll project it at home.

That's the thing.

I have a projector, you know, and so it's like being in the... Well, let's hear Joe's Australian song first this time.

Here it is.

Last night I saw a film It had Jack Hugeman in And nipples kidman too It cost me 10 pounds to get in

And a fiver for a coke it was supposed to be About the history of the antipodies But it lacked authenticity It was Bazlamans Australia Bazlamans Australia And that tight English wife

claim her farm, but finds her husband dead and falls in love with you, Jackmunk.

When she sees him take his shirt off, evil wrencher, played by that man from cocktail, tries to destroy her heart.

He wants to make her business fail.

It's Bazlamans Australia.

That's a little boy

I don't know what happened next because I got up and left

Oh, I have better things to do And my bum was not quite up for time I will watch the rest of my TV When it sounds on DVD

That's Joe's song there for Song Wars.

If that's your favourite text, Joe too.

No, don't do that.

Email a vote for it to adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

Here's song number two also on the theme of Baz Luhrmann's Australia.

Has he got a name?

This is just called Australia.

So's mine.

Oh, well, that happens.

Here we go.

Give it lots of volume, Ben, because otherwise it'll just send everyone to sleep.

Would you like to hear a story?

It's all about a kind of magic Aboriginal girly boy And Nicole Kidman's British accent which is such a joy And it's got Wolverine who look at his lovely manly chest But don't expect a whole lot more or you are gonna get a bit depressed

Oh, it's spectacular, we use computer technicals Look at all the ships and planes, look it is a load of balls It's very long so you'll need a pillow and a snack You will be starving by the time the flipping Japanese attack

We're only cold, she's an icy acting robot.

And look at huge, I can't believe the pecks he got.

Oh Aboriginal man, you're so wise and dignified.

Every time you popped up standing on one leg, I very nearly cried.

There you go, that's Adam's Australia song there.

Which, it sounds not finished.

I mean, I really need to beef it up a little bit.

It sounds as if it was, uh, you can't go back.

Oh, in case it wins.

Yeah, can't go back.

I might go back and beef it up, but I might beef it up anyway just for my own personal satisfaction.

You know, speaking of beefing things up, you had a reference to the moment where Hugh Jackman removes his shirt in the film, and it is quite an extraordinary moment.

In a film that's more or less free from real emotion of any kind, I would say.

Like, I found it very hard to care one way or another about Kid Monster or the little beautiful child with the big eyes.

Nula.

But the bit that actually caused a real emotion in me was when Hugh Jackman's nip-nots removed his shirt, because I was just bowled over by what he's got there.

He's got an amazing torso, so it raised a few important questions in my mind.

About your sexual preferences.

About my preferences.

In fact, he's on the cover of Empire magazine, maybe last month's Empire, I'm not sure.

There was a picture from his new Wolverine movie.

And the packet in his pants is grotesquely exaggerated.

He's got a giant packet as well.

But it can't be real, it's grotesquely exaggerated and it looks ridiculous.

He's a peculiar figure, isn't he?

He clearly as a man has a sense of humour, but it's not reflected in any of his work, really.

He can take these really stupid films amazingly seriously.

I always think, probably wrongly, that when someone spends that much time sculpting the perfect body, which he has obviously done, and then maintaining it,

You just, there's no room for anything more complex really.

In the, in the bons.

Yeah.

No, I, I think I've, I know people who've had contact with him and he's apparently a really good, nice guy.

I'm sure he is.

And he's got a proper sense of humor about all the stuff he does.

He's got a proper torso as well.

Oh my goodness.

I mean, I was really having to ask some tough questions there.

Really?

Yeah, you know, should I maybe break some bad news to my wife?

Should I go off exploring?

Should I maybe stop eating the mince pies that were left over from Christmas?

I thought you were going to say something else then.

But that was the best bit for me.

Anyway, those are our Song Wars songs.

Please get voting and of course if you're listening to this show throughout the week on the iPlayer or on Listen Again, you can still vote and we will reveal the winner next week.

Now here's music.

This is Prefab Sprout.

Oh it's a classic.

When Love Breaks Down.

This is a real weedy classic.

Let's fire it off Ben.

It's a weedy classic.

That's Prefab Sprout with When Love Breaks Down.

That's one of about 15 versions of that song that they released at various points.

They were never afraid of going back and retooling their tracks there.

No.

The Sprouts.

Quite right too.

That's more or less it for our show listeners.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thanks especially to everyone who took part in what I think everyone agrees is the most sex, sex, successful.

Sexy, sexful.

Yeah.

Successful, text the nation.

Ever.

shelf classics it was stimulating I would know it's true man we got a lot of response yeah exactly the problem was uh none of it was very interesting what

It's at the start of a sentence, a question?

It's, yeah.

You should have made it interesting.

I should, no, you're right.

You could read them out in funny accents.

I have to say, we're getting a lot of emails and texts that the quantity, you know, is quite big and web, I've got to work out a new system for reading them.

We need some help.

Filtering through them.

Ollie, maybe he's the key.

Maybe Sif Agust's daughter can come in.

Maybe Ollie, a beautiful model and a strange, silent man.

So has Ollie been in touch?

I don't know.

I think we're going to email Ollie.

We're going to email Ollie.

So next week we might have a little Ollie in the corner.

You won't know it.

You certainly won't hear him.

But you might be able to see him on the webcam.

That's right.

But no, he will not be allowed to speak.

Or make any noise.

Well, he could make a noise, though.

Not if he's tapping or trying to communicate.

No, no, no.

But if we slapped him, for example.

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah.

He would make a noise.

Like he could cry out in pain, is what I'm saying.

No.

Could he not?

No.

Really?

He'd have to muffle.

Yeah, well if he did he'd have to get out.

But you've taken this into sinister new Guantanamo Bay type areas.

Big brother type area.

Yeah.

I mean if you start slapping him and trying to force him to make a noise.

I'm not going to slap Ollie.

Maybe I'll push him a little bit.

Playful slaps are a tricky thing.

Playful slaps.

I'll pinch his thighs maybe.

Maybe he's got very sensitive thighs.

Or the tops of his ears.

I was cycling into work today.

The tops of my ears nearly fell off.

They were so freezing.

Really?

Do you think Ollie's listening to this?

Sorry to change the subject away from you.

He'll probably listen at some point, yeah.

He'll get a bit of a shock, won't he?

Why?

Because we talk about him a lot.

Well, he's got to expect it.

What does he expect if he's going to come in and sit in the corner like a little hobbit?

Well, he just sent an email.

I would have thought he would have expected to be ignored.

Well, that's the thing.

You never can tell.

Never can tell.

Well, thank you so much for listening, listeners.

We really appreciate it, as ever.

And thanks for all your messages, texts and emails.

Don't forget you can vote for Song Wars.

throughout the week.

Yeah, it's a critical vote this week.

Don't vote in haste, listeners.

Listen carefully to both songs.

Ten times each, I would say.

Yeah, and if you wouldn't normally vote, then try and break that trend for this one, because we really need all the votes we can get for this.

Why?

I just feel that people might do a knee-jerk vote for your song.

Oh, I feel the other way.

Really?

I think people are angry that I walked out.

They think I've not bothered to write a tune, I've just poligned, um, Kim Wild.

Which is true.

Well, although I did base my track on, uh, Rolf Harris' track.

Anyway, so have a good week, folks.

Don't forget to download the podcast, which will be available on Monday evening.

Thanks for listening, and we'll see you at the same time next week, 9 till noon, here on BBC 6 Music.

Here's one last free play from me.

This is The Rolling Stones.

Hope you enjoy this one.

This is Waiting on a Friend.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

Cheerio, bye!

Bye.