The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (03 January 2009)

Welcome to the Big British Castle.

It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talkie in between, and then eventually the whole thing will just end.

Uh, we're not ready.

Are we?

I don't think anyone's ready, are they?

No one's really ready.

Let's just delay this whole new year business for a couple more weeks, can't we?

That was badly drawn by, with all possibilities there.

This is, um, Adam and Joe here.

I do see six music.

We come in, we're a little bit flustered there.

Yeah.

Do you not get that feeling across the nation as a whole that maybe just nobody's ready?

No.

And that we need a couple more weeks?

It was nice to have a slightly distended Christmas break, but it should be even more distended.

Right, how long do you need?

I need a two and a half, three more weeks.

That long?

Yeah, I think everybody does.

There's nothing worth, it's very cold.

Yeah.

And gloomy.

It's nice morning though.

It's a lovely morning, that's true.

Oh, it's the beginning, it's three days into what's going to be an amazing year.

Is it?

Yeah.

This is what we need, a bit of optimism.

Oh, it's going to be great.

I predict, by the end of December, the financial crisis will be... By the end of... oh, December 2009.

Yeah, more or less over.

More or less?

Yeah.

By May, it'll be considerably better.

Will it?

Yeah.

Things are gonna start looking up in February.

Really?

Around about the 6th of February.

The thick.

And yeah, ask me more predictions.

Um, what's gonna be the first real ray of sunshine?

What's gonna be the event that's gonna make people think, oh, all this gloom and doom and war and breakdown and misery.

It was just a flash in the pan.

We were wrong.

Things are much better than we anticipated.

This year's going to be super.

Sure.

Defiance with Daniel Craig.

The release of the film Defiance.

Yeah, it's exciting.

It's from the director of Blood Diamond.

And just a general mood of Defiance.

Absolutely.

We will not bow to such gloom and doom.

That's exactly what's going on in the film.

Really?

And if you look at the posting, you can see the looks of Defiance in their faces.

Whatever it is, they will not do it.

They refuse.

It's just a film about three men absolutely refusing to do whatever's asked of them, however reasonable.

They just refuse.

No.

No, I'm not doing it.

Could you move your car, please?

It's blocking the disabled exit.

No, I will not.

No, that's Jamie Bell.

That was a Jamie Bell impression.

Was it?

Wasn't very good.

The Bell man.

And look, I've got tinsel.

It's got tinsel.

This is Adam and Joe, by the way, on 6 Music.

Happy New Year, listeners.

Thanks for joining us, especially if you're listening live, joining us this early.

The 6 Music studio is looking pretty disgusting.

I was just observing.

Yeah.

I'm not sure it ever gets cleaned, and this time next week, I'm serious, I might actually bring a hoover in with me.

That would be good.

And do a little bit of hoovering.

Will that interfere with the, uh, play-outs, do you think?

Cause any buzzing on the tracks?

Yeah, absolutely fine.

Well, I'm gonna do that.

Next week I'm gonna bring a hoover in.

Let's... I'm gonna clean this place up.

Have a little bit of music before we tell you more about what you can expect from this exciting show.

Here's Lily Allen with the fear.

Right?

Yeah, thanks.

Do you understand now?

Yes, I do.

That's a State of the Nation address there from Lily Allen.

It's called The Fear.

That's from her forthcoming album It's Not Me.

It's expected for February release.

She'll be touring the UK throughout March and May.

Playing concerts or just...

Just, you know, traveling around.

Just looking around.

Yeah, meeting people.

That's nice.

Look at that.

I never knew they had those kind of buildings in Dudley.

She'll be saying things like that.

Exciting.

So this is Adam and Jo here.

Very nice to be with you.

Listen to us on the third day of January 2009.

On the third day of January 2009.

What?

Well, you went down that road.

Finished it.

That's your fault.

So later on, we're going to be resolving Song Wars.

Yes, now Song Wars was a special thing.

Last week, would it have been last week?

Yeah.

Between Chris Salt, The Salt Man, our special guest contributor, and Garth Jennings, also a special guest contributor.

They both wrote Christmasy songs.

One of them will have won.

So we'll be playing a slightly ill-timed Christmas song just to make, sort of give people flashbacks.

Yeah.

of their Christmas in maybe a pleasant way or maybe a sort of slightly grotty and tardy way.

How was your Christmas, incidentally?

It was all right.

Yeah.

It was good.

Yeah.

It was all right.

Highlight.

Oh, well, I got ill.

Oh, did you?

I did.

I thought you never got ill, Cornpose.

Well, I decided to fall ill on Christmas Eve.

Right.

And then I didn't get better again until New Year's Eve.

Was it a cosy illness?

Like a nice Christmassy one that you could feel good about?

It started Don LaToilette.

Ah.

Yeah, it was a lonely, solo illness.

Oh, that's no good.

Yeah, involving me shutting a little room.

For long periods of time.

Sitting and thinking.

The Norovirus.

Yeah, the Baz Luhrmann flu.

Right.

The Australian flu.

It didn't prevent you from going to see Australia, though, I hope.

It did, sadly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No.

I'm so sorry.

But and so I remember and then it turned into a sneezing snot snot based festival, right?

And it didn't clear up till New Year's Eve.

I'm sorry.

So it was a sickness zone and what about presents top present top present.

Oh I Got a little digital digital recorder.

Oh quite good memo recorder.

I'm a recorder.

Have you got any good ideas in there?

Nope, haven't opened it yet Saving up that pleasure.

Yeah, how about you?

very nice i got um i got from my dad i got some sealant oh what to see and what sort of thing oh you know outdoor and indoor rights jobs cracks that kind of thing yeah some sealant and also you know you could use it round a pipe

you should you should have put it in maybe i'll bring it in some stuff hey maybe i'll bring it in next week next week i'll clean a new seal we'll get this whole studio soon enough he also got me um a glue gun

Right.

Which is a good present.

I mean, you know, as he pointed out himself, it's always useful.

It is.

Even if you've already got one.

Yeah.

Because you never know if it's gonna break down.

It's the type of gun the kids like to carry these days.

Right.

Now that real firearms are illegal.

Mm-hmm.

They tend to carry glue guns.

So their firearms are illegal now, aren't they?

Yeah.

The kids fire hot glue at each other on the estates.

Well, it's a good idea because they have to wait for the glue guns, the glue sticks to heat up.

Yeah, they have a confrontation, then they have to find a plug.

And the moment, you know, in that time it takes for the glue sticks to heat up, sometimes it's all it takes to diffuse an arty situation.

Sometimes it gets worse, though.

They just think about it.

You know, if they issued glue guns to a lot of the armies around the world, I bet that things would get fixed up in more ways than one.

Here's a bit of music for you now.

Listeners, this is a free play for you and it's something sort of roughty-toughty and shouty to get you excited.

It's Supergrass with Richard III.

That's Black Street with no diggity.

No diggity.

It just means I don't like tea.

Yeah.

No diggity.

No, certainly no diggity.

That's what it means.

And before that you heard a trail for Sean Kievny.

He sounded fun having some chuckles.

When's that being released?

That's being released every day during the week on BBC 6 Music in the mornings.

Brilliant.

And before that you heard Supergrass with Richard III.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Delight to be here and I think it's time to resolve last week's song wars right now.

Shall we have the jingle, Ben?

It's time for song wars.

The war of the songs.

A couple of tunes by a couple of prongs.

Which will you vote?

That's right listeners, a song was last week was all about Christmas and it featured two guest composers, Garth Jennings, famous pop video and feature film director, and Chris Salt, the winner of our Video Wars competition, both were in the studio and both were forced to write

Christmas-y songs in order to give us a week off.

Yeah, which we very much appreciated and Chris salt Was not very confident about his because he's not a naturally musical man but he however did a great job of creating a Song that was loosely based around our football song.

Yeah that we did years ago.

Just him and a guitar.

Right.

Very stripped down.

That he'd learnt to play only a few weeks before.

During the song, I think, was the conclusion we came to.

Garth created something a little more elaborate because he's got more musical chops that was about a nativity play.

Um, so let's find out who won though.

Have we got the envelope there?

We do, here we go.

Who's your money on there, Adam?

You know what?

I would say that our listeners would tend to favor the underdog.

And I would characterize the sort man as the underdog.

Oh my god.

Well, you're right.

Do you think Garth is listening to this?

Yeah, almost certainly.

Garth, man.

Um, girdle your, what's the phrase?

Loins.

Gird your loins.

Garth has 5% and the salt man has 95% Romptome.

Wow.

Now that surprises me not because Chris's song was not the best, but because there was he's got a quite a unique delivery style.

This top class tiptoeing listeners.

I'm about to wave right in.

I'm just dancing around the edge.

He sounds as if he's singing his song at gunpoint.

If you imagine him tied to a chair naked with some insane terrorist with a hand grenade right next to his head going, SINK CHRISTMAS SON!

SINK CHRISTMAS SON!

I KILL YOU!

Yeah, it happens a lot.

This is what would come out.

Let's hear it.

Ho ho ho.

Merry, Merry Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

Merry, Merry Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

Christmas.

I've got a gift.

The gift is for Christmas.

I've got a card.

I've got the cake.

The cake is for Christmas.

I've got the care.

Roll.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry, merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Christmas.

When the tree's decorated, everyone's breath is baited.

When the stockings are filled up, that's the end of the builder.

When we're opening presents, opening presents is pleasant.

Matches are not included.

If you haven't got some in the kit again, I get all moody.

Oh, oh, oh.

And on it goes for a while and, uh, listeners, forgive me if you've never heard the song before and you're upset that I'm interrupting it.

Um, you could actually go and download last week's podcast right now if you wanted to listen to the song in full.

Or they'll probably still be on the website, won't they, for another week, won't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, because there's a new song that was probably next week.

But there's something about, you know, going back to the Christmas ossity, the Christmosity of that song that was so wonderfully evoked by Chris Salt, which is just too melancholy to bear.

On the 3rd of January.

And because of the excessive melancholy, we had to phase it out.

It's too powerful for us.

We've been overwhelmed with melancholy.

So Chris, thank you very much.

And man, congratulations.

95%.

That's extraordinary.

And Garth Commiserations, welcome to the 5% Club.

Have you ever lost by 5%, Joe?

Not that I can remember.

It's usually lower.

It's a crushing defeat and it's not one easy to get over, so Garth, don't take it personally.

It won't be the last time you compose a song for us, I very much hope.

And thank you all of you who voted.

Let's have some more real music right now.

This is Black Kids with I'm Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You.

That's black kids with, I'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you.

It's not a situation that everyone would be able to relate to, I don't think that was it.

Well, do they mean dance euphemistically?

Yeah, but even then, even if it was a euphemism, in what way, how often does that happen that you have to teach someone else's boyfriend?

Girlfriend.

Do stuff.

I'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you.

Is that girlfriend here?

What?

On my list.

Is it?

Yeah.

Girlfriend.

It says boyfriend on my computer.

What is it, Ben?

Girlfriend or boyfriend?

Boyfriend.

Uh, no, it's not a situation that arises very much.

I wish it would arise more.

I'd like to do that.

To teach, um, people's boyfriends how to dance with their girlfriends.

Yes.

And do other things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just like to interfere in other couples' relationships.

Yeah.

And try and, you know, uh, mess them up.

Be like a love coach.

Yes, exactly.

like a love guru there must have been some kind of wonderful film made like that about a love guru yeah yeah wouldn't that be a fun thing no about funny like eastern love guru with a little no they'd no one would ever do that that would be awful oh maybe i'll do that uh this is bbc6 music it's 9 30 time for the news

But that was Curtis Mayfield with Superfly from 1973.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC6 Music.

Good morning listeners and a very Happy New Year.

Now here's an email that came in during the week from Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada.

I think the name of the person who sent it is Kathy and she says, I just heard the news and I'm all a tingle.

I cannot think of a better choice for the next Doctor Who than Joe Cornish.

Yes.

I commend the BBC on their foresight and ability to gauge the public's taste.

Of course, rumor has it that Adam will be the Doctor's companion.

Can you imagine the emotion when Joe hands Adam the keys to the TARDIS in the episode where Joe saves Adam from having forced relations with a cyberwoman?

Of course, in this series, the TARDIS could be fitted with a fabulous sound system from which amazing tunage could be heard, like on Six Music, I assume she means.

It's obvious that the next text the nation should be on the question of what lovable quirk the Joe Doctor should have.

That's a good subject.

But you know, when I read that email... Yeah.

And I should add listeners that Adam and I are getting sent emails during the week at our homes.

So we can catch up with them.

And as ever, every email is read.

Yeah.

And when I read that one, I got a bit excited.

Yeah, because you thought there was a real rumour.

I thought maybe there's a real rumour.

Maybe the internet forums are buzzing.

You know, maybe I just don't know about it.

I mean, it seems far fetched because I haven't done a lot of acting on screen.

So did you phone Joe Cornish, Doctor Who, into Google?

crossed my mind but I didn't actually do it.

Did you not?

No.

Hand on heart.

I didn't do it.

I'm not that stupid.

But there is still a part of my brain that would entertain the notion that even though I've never really acted properly anywhere in the world, unlike yourself, that maybe other people out there have not got that block that I have and they know that I'd be brilliant and they're just ahead of the game and talking about me being Doctor Who.

You would be good.

Do you think you'd be a good assistant?

Thanks, like a little hairy sidekick.

I did start practicing saying things to my girlfriend, because I told her about it.

What sort of things would you say?

Well, just looking over her shoulder and dropping the smile from my face and going, Daleks.

To see if I could make her look round.

Do you ever do that in the middle of a conversation?

I'm doing it to Adam now.

Daleks.

You just dropped your face.

I can look slightly to the left of the person.

Oh, look at my god, Cyberman.

Then I could never avoid, I could never avoid a little grin.

Plus you could probably not think of a third villain.

Apart from those two.

Saigon's.

I used to be big on Doctor Who, man.

I'm not so up to speed on the new incarnation.

I did watch the Cyberman, Cyberman.

Thing I did watch that over Christmas.

Yeah, that was quite good Was that the one where they go back in the past and I don't know what was going on?

Yeah, it was yeah, they met the man from life on Mars.

Was it?

Oh, yes DC.

Yeah your face Yeah, anyway, I was it was in my mind over Christmas this new this doctor who issue who should be the new doctor who it's an important national role It's top of the news.

It's like, you know being the new prime minister or something in a way, isn't it?

It's very important.

So more important position.

And I was watching on New Year's Eve, I was, I stayed at home on New Year's Eve, decided not to bother.

Right.

Just thought we'd watch telly.

Just took the telly into the labby.

Yeah.

I was watching Elton John live at wherever he was.

And it crossed my mind that he would make a superb Doctor Who.

That's not a bad idea.

He's got a coat with little... They seemed like question marks on it.

I think they were probably Cadillacs or something.

But he's got the right costume, Marie.

He's got all the accoutrements, the crazy glasses and the funny hair.

He's got a fun, good-looking sidekick.

Exactly.

Furnished could be the sidekick.

And can you imagine the haughty fury when confronted by the villains?

Unfortunately, I can't swear on this programme.

There'd be a lot of swearing in Doctor Who's starring Elton John, wouldn't there?

Oh, God!

Cybermen?!

Oh, God!

Get out of my way!

Go away!

Just shut up and go away!

You tin-pants!

Get out of it!

That would be excellent.

And he'd just march back into the TARDIS.

Mm-hmm.

He wouldn't really bother with any of it.

But it would be hugely entertaining.

That's a very good idea.

To join the dots and just make the Doctor flamboyantly gay.

Mm.

Er, is genius.

Mm, thanks.

I mean, I think it's a good way to go with any fictional character.

We were talking about James Bond the other day, and how Elton John is James Bond.

No, but, you know, we were talking about how it would be nice if maybe James Bond was a little more bendy.

And I think it's always a good thing to do with any popular character.

Yeah.

It's making them a little more interesting sexually.

With their sexuality.

Good point.

Well made.

That's a good idea.

I made it really well though, didn't I?

Thanks.

Here is the airborne toxic event.

Is that the name of the ground?

What the hell's going on there?

Let me just check my notes.

Maybe that's a news announcement that there's been an airborne toxic event.

I mean, they're not gonna get much play, are they?

If there's any kind of problem, terrorist problem, they're gonna be right off the playlist.

Are you sure that that isn't a news announcement?

I'm pretty sure it's a band.

This is released January 26th of this year from their self-titled debut album.

The band are from LA.

They formed two years ago, Joe.

Right.

And they're called Airborne Toxic Event, and this track is called Sometime Around Midnight.

Let's have a listen.

I'm getting under the desk.

That's the airborne toxic event with some time around midnight surely airborne toxic I mean that just sounds like a euphemism for it's a disastrous title for the record and the band, isn't it?

Yeah, cuz like it sounds like a news announcement with precisely what's gonna happen and when or just a guff Yes What happens in the Buxton parent bedroom around midnight

in every bedroom.

Not in mine.

No?

The Dutch oven.

Do you go outside?

The Dutch oven?

Have you not heard that expression?

No, that's horrible.

What are you doing baking special farty buns in there?

That's right, with the duvet.

Really?

Have you never done a Dutch oven?

That's the fun thing to do with your... Well, you actually bake things in there.

Yeah, you bake a little pot in there.

Smoke them.

Bake a little chuff.

And then you, as a fun game, you maybe spring it on your partner.

No.

It's not something I'd recommend.

It's something that loaded readers do.

I've never done it myself.

That's quite revolting.

Well, there you go.

And I think they're talking about a different kind of toxic event.

I'm pretty sure they're not.

Yeah.

Anyway, what?

Yeah, that's released 26th of January 2009.

It's from their self-titled album.

So they've really gone the whole hog with that name.

Yeah.

They're not letting go.

They're delighted with it.

They love it.

They absolutely love it.

They had a little meeting.

That name came out top of their list of 200 names and they're jumping up and down with glee.

Yeah.

So listen, it's free play time from me and this is a little bit of Jamaican reggae.

Yeah, do you like a bit of reggae?

You know, I like cod reggae.

Do you?

Yeah.

What sort of thing?

Anything from Joe Jackson.

Right, really?

Yeah, any bit of white reggae, or the police, or who are other great cod reggae?

Thomas Dolby did a lovely cod reggae song.

Culture Club.

My brain is like a sieve.

Culture Club.

I always felt that Culture Club's attempts at reggae were somehow more authentic.

I don't know why, yeah.

Really?

But anyway, you've got some real reggae.

Yeah, this is somebody called Johnny Osborne.

And this was recorded in 1980.

It's a song called Truth and Rights.

And I'm playing this because later, I think in the last hour of the show, I'm gonna play a free play that samples this.

Ooh, it's all linking up.

Yeah, exactly.

I've linked my stinks.

Joe Cornish for 2009.

Yeah, you know, I've thought this through.

It's the only element of today's show that's been thought through.

Two weeks off and he's like, he's got a genius idea.

You should have put that in your memo recorder there.

I should know.

Maybe I'll do it retrospectively.

Next week, will you bring in your memo recorder and play us some of the ideas you've had during the week?

Sure.

Come on, that'd be great.

Anyway, let's hear Johnny your point.

This is called Truth and Rights.

There's the Lippos, the Flaming Lips, with Satellite of You, which was recorded as a session track for six music on the 11th of July.

I knew it, I knew it.

I hadn't had a real July the 11th feel about it.

Have you seen their space film?

You know what, I haven't.

I've got a copy of it.

What's it called?

Santa Claus versus The Martians or something?

Yeah, something like that.

Santa on Mars, Christmas on Mars.

You've chosen not to watch it?

No, it's a shelf classic.

It is.

It's one of those things you get because you're genuinely interested, and then you never actually get wrapped.

There's never the right moment.

Still in its plastic?

Uh, yep.

Yeah.

Really?

Still wrapped.

It's one of those things that could easily be recycled as a Christmas present in future years.

That's the topic of conversation we might come back to later, listeners.

Things that are sitting on your shelf that are completely unwrapped, that you've never watched.

Yeah, especially films.

I mean, that's an easy thing to do with films, especially now they're so cheap, you know, Xavi going out of business there, you could have swept in just before Christmas and scooped up an armful of bargains of films that would easily sit on your shelves for months and months and months.

Word had it on the street, and I'm only reporting what's being said on the street.

That Zavi security staff weren't bothering to clobber people for walking out with stuff.

Because they're all being laid off and they don't care.

So word on the street was that basically Zavi was a big, you know, kind of free for all.

You could wander in there and pop a Nintendo Wii under your arm and stroll out.

Certainly the prices were outrageously cheap.

Yeah, and then obviously that's not true.

I'm sure the security staff are still doing their job.

Yeah, but maybe they're not.

Have you thought about it that way?

Well, I mean, it's, it's, you know, you wouldn't you would understand if they did turn a blind eye, especially if you were working at Woolies as well.

Now that you hear that people on the Channel Islands there, was it the Channel Islands?

I know not getting their special redundancy pay because they're not covered for it.

It would be wrong to I think one should pay extra for goods at Xavi.

Yeah.

as a kind of gesture towards keeping that kind of shop afloat.

You know, instead of picking over its carcass like starving vultures... What's gonna replace Savvy now, though?

What are those massive outlets gonna turn into?

A big- a big pound store.

Big, nutty warehouses.

Massive pound stores.

Well, you know, out in East Anglia, where I now live, one of the big shopping malls there in Norwich,

Every other shop was like that.

Really?

Like a gutted shop that had just been temporarily set up with all this dodgy clobber from Greece and stuff, you know what I mean?

They'd got like a big SpongeBob SquarePants table with all these bits of SpongeBob SquarePants merchandises from different countries and stuff.

None of it licensed or official?

I don't know.

No, it was official but it just looked a bit weird and it had weird foreign writing on it.

SpongeBob SquarePants looking weird.

Yeah, it's a strange concept.

A talking sponge.

But you know, you get like Spongebob Squarepants shampoo and bits of soap and various toiletries and stuff.

Well, that's what the year ahead's looking like for Great Britain.

That's why they've got survivors on the telly.

And you couldn't get us ready for that kind of post-apocalyptic pound store landscape.

And you couldn't pay with your credit card at any of these places.

Only cash.

Yeah, only cash.

Really?

So I loaded up with quite a few things, like on Christmas Eve, because my Christmas shopping wasn't going that well.

It's exciting.

Britain's going medieval.

And about half the things didn't work.

Really?

And there's nothing you can do, you know.

No.

You just have to grin and bear it and just think, well... That's what life's gonna be like.

I'm a jackass.

Yeah, that's gonna be the attitude you'll have to take, for instance, to the doctor.

Yeah.

Next time.

Oh, he didn't do a very good job.

Well, there you go.

There you go.

Can't complain.

Pay him a fiver.

He's cheaper.

He sees you quickly.

It's not a problem, is it?

No.

Uh, now listen, let's have some more music.

We're coming up to the top of the hour.

We could even have the top of the hour.

Sting, what do you think, Ben?

This is the voice of the big, bridgey castle.

It is the top of the hour.

Ooh, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour, and it's gone.

Text the nation!

Text, text, text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

It doesn't matter, text!

Yes listeners, it's text the nation time here on The Adam and Jo, radio show on BBC6 Music.

This is the part of the show that can be a little complicated for some listeners.

Yeah, remind me again, because I got confused.

I know, I know, it is troubling, isn't it?

Last time.

Well look, it's fairly straightforward.

We're going to give you an idea, a theme, a subject.

But wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You being the listener is what?

idea a theme a subject an idea is like you know when you feel that kind of tickling sensation in the back of your head the hurting one yeah yeah that little painful sensation yeah like like having a like a brain fart ah that's the thing that comes out that was one there yeah I had a little one there do it again

That now in your head is just think of your head as a television right, and you know it's got programs on it Images and sounds and programs in your head that no one can see yeah Yeah, like those programs are ideas mm-hmm And then you can write that or say it or express it in various ways so big brother's little brother.

You're talking about

about.

Now we're in deep water.

We're going to give you a subject.

We'd like you to text in your responses to the subject.

The text number is 64046, or you can email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

And Adam, you are in charge of this week's subject, aren't you?

I'm firmly pinning the responsibility on Adam at the top of the segment.

That's okay.

Yes, Text the Nation this week is inspired by a Christmas present my wife was given, which was called The Wattle.

Now, I've done some research into the Wattle.

Have you?

Yeah.

Spelled W-O-T-L-E.

Shall I tell you what I think the Wattle is?

Yeah.

It's a way to try and encourage stylish ladies to carry a refillable water bottle in their handbag.

Mm-hmm.

so that it's an environmental effort to stop people from buying so many water bottles and then disposing of them, which are a huge problem in landfill and lovely mice get their head stuck in them and stuff like that.

And it must be stopped.

So in order to discourage this, this company are manufacturing millions more plastic water bottles.

But

Their hope is that these will be the last one you'll ever buy.

The last one, so that's good.

And to make it more suitable for ladies who, as we know, have sensitive, gentle brains that like patterns.

Lady brains, that's right.

It's got some leaves, a picture of leaves on it, but they're not just normal leaves.

No, no.

They're designer leaves designed by some lady whose skill in designing leaves.

transcend all other leaf design globally and they've stuck them on and then has it got some sort of filter system in it no okay well you take it from there that's what am i right pretty much yeah i think i think maybe the company that is in charge i might be wrong about this is britta

who actually do make water filters in other parts of their business.

Right.

So when my wife saw that it was a Brita wattle, she was excited by the idea that maybe what she was receiving was a bottle that actually filtered the water that you put into it.

Right, and that there is such a bottle.

Somebody's invented an amazing bottle that you can use in the third world, that you can put like stagnant, horrible water in.

and it will filter pure drinking water out of it.

Brita, I imagine, probably do one somewhere in their range, not that I know, and I'm sure there are other filters available, but this was not one of them.

This was just a bottle.

So when you looked at it, you thought, oh good, this is something really practical.

It's a sort of portable Brita filtration system.

No.

New.

Just a bottle.

It's a bottle with lathe thumb.

But not just a bottle, because it's a wattle.

Because it's called the wattle.

So anyway, it was very exciting, and it made me think that maybe there are many other everyday objects that could be similarly rebranded to make them exciting.

I was thinking, for example, of, and this is, you know, this is all useful for 2009, for the hard times that we're all going through, which incidentally should be over by around May the 10th.

The 90s?

Can we call this here the 90s?

The 90s.

Is that confusing?

No, we're in the 90s.

It would be a little confusing, but let's call it the 90s anyway.

How about this?

The step chair, right?

This is a device that not only allows the user to relieve pressure from their feet and legs to create a relaxing alternative to standing, but it also doubles as a compact device that facilitates the reaching of objects on high shelves without cluttering up your room with step ladders, for example.

So with the step chair, you can not only sit, but stand to reach high things.

On it.

Stand on it.

On it.

On the step chair.

Isn't there such a thing?

How do you mean?

Do you remember in libraries you used to get those chairs that fold over and become a little slice of stairs?

Too complicated.

Really?

Yeah.

This is exactly like a chair.

Right.

But called the step chair.

Right.

Do you see?

I like it.

How about this then?

Store and sprinkle.

This is a convenient compact receptacle which is ideal for keeping salt not only clean but dry.

Now after that when it's time to add seasoning to a meal that you would like to add salt to, what you do is you turn the store and sprinkle upside down

And through the little holes, the perforations in the top of store and sprinkle, the salt comes out onto your food.

Wow.

So it's not only a container for the salt, but a device for delivering the salt to your meal.

So, but it's basically like a salt shaker.

It's exactly like a salt shaker.

But you've just called it a what?

A store and sprinkle.

So is this what you're asking people?

For new names?

Well, I want them to think of a whole rebranding strategy.

There's more to the wattle than that, isn't there?

Yeah, because it's got all this ethical clothing.

Exactly.

So there's a whole lot of a cluster of ideas around very little substance.

A bottle with some leaves.

Another way of looking at it is it's brilliant in its simplicity.

Yeah, I had a couple of ideas.

Well, why just use a pencil when you can buy at great expense a pencil?

A pencil is very different from a pencil because it's got a design on it.

And it's slightly bendy.

A pencil.

And I'm gonna get the top designers.

Stella McCartney, is she a designer?

In a way.

Who are other designers?

Geordie LaForge.

From Star Trek.

He's a designer, isn't he?

He's an engineer.

Well, they're gonna design pencils.

Yeah.

And pencils are gonna be all the rage.

People will look down on you if you use a conventional pencil.

Yeah.

It's like the difference between an iPhone and a regular phone.

Yes.

I've lost my ponsel!

Is that what you were after?

Is that along the right lines?

Yeah.

The ponsel.

Yeah.

I am about it.

Because you rebranded an everyday object and made it very desirable.

Okay, we'll come back with a couple more suggestions in a second.

I've got a few more that aren't as good as the ponsel.

if that can be imagined, but text your ideas of ways to rebrand, basically re-flog normal objects in a clever, cheap way to 64046.

We'd love to hear from you.

Here's Beck.

Where it's at, that's Beck.

You're listening to Six Music here on the BBC network.

This is Adam and Joe, I thought I'd change the way I say all that stuff.

Yeah, you said it with a little bit of disdain.

Did I?

Yeah.

I didn't mean to say it.

BBC.

What have they ever done for us?

This is so-called BBC.

No, I didn't mean that, you know, that was a mistake if it came across like that.

We love the BBC.

Love the BBC, very grateful to be here.

It's the backbone of Brighton.

Absolutely.

And this is Adam and Joe.

Now we are in the midst of Text the Nation.

We're asking you folks to help us rebrand everyday objects, to make them appear more jazzier in order to sell them to credulous folks.

I had a couple of other ideas.

This is spinning out of a Christmas present that Adam's wife received called a wattle, which is just basically a designer drinking bottle.

A plastic bottle with some leaves on the side that enables you to carry around any liquid.

But it comes with a sort of cluster, a sort of cloud of ideas around it to make it seem like something more different and special.

And, slightly insidiously, their environmental ideas.

Yeah.

Even though one wonders to what degree it will actually be contributing to people not buying drinking water.

Yes, because it's not like the reusable bags that you get at many large supermarkets now.

Right.

Which are not made from plastic.

Well, that's what they said on the Wattle website.

They said, this is the drinking bottle version of, I am not a bag.

Yeah.

Not true, because those are made of Hessian and stuff like that a lot of the time, you know?

So what's the Wattle made of?

Plastic.

Recyclable plastic though?

Wow.

Probably.

You can get it.

I noticed that my roses were wrapped in my chockeys, my Christmas chockeys.

Yeah.

That we've already talked about at length.

They were wrapped in recyclable plastic.

It's all going to that landfill.

No, you can pop it on the compost.

It decomposes.

Yeah.

But inside the recyclable plastic, foil.

Right.

So, rather counterproductive.

Anyway, I had a couple of other ideas for rebranded objects, but I'm not sure they're as good as the Ponsil.

Well, what would be?

Exactly.

The Ponsil is just a pencil.

But... I notice you're pronouncing it Ponsil now as well.

Ponsil?

How did I pronounce it before?

Ponsil.

Like a pencil.

Ponsil.

I just get Ponsir and Ponsir in the way I say it.

Well, I think Ponsil is a nice way of pronouncing it.

That's part of the charm of Ponsil.

I'm not sure my other two ideas are any good.

They're more like just good ideas for products.

Okay.

Pockets.

What are they?

Well, you know your pockets.

Yeah.

Really, they're like underwear.

The cloth inside your pockets of your jeans.

Right.

They sit next to your bits and bobs.

That's true.

Your hands go in and out of them.

They're more used and soiled than your knick-knocks.

You know, one of my pockets is bust right through.

Exactly.

So I've got a... I've got a... Think of the hygiene problems.

I've got a direct line.

And this is a problem across the country.

Yeah.

Pockets are disgusting.

They're unhygienic and it's about time pockets were invented.

They are little disposable paper-towling sacks that are the shape of your pockets.

Right.

And they slip into your pocket.

Like a panty liner.

and you wear a pocket all day and your hand goes in and out of your pocket, sweaty and horrible change and stuff, but that's fine because at the end of the day, you simply remove and dispose of your pocket.

Come on, that's good.

And can you imagine the advert?

Yes.

The advert would make normal pockets seem so revolting.

Right.

There'd be all sorts of huge close-ups of the germs that live in pockets.

Yes, you could have a hand retracting with some gum all over it.

Well, where's the hand been?

A man coming out of a urinal, a close-up of the end of his fingers, and then those fingers going into his pocket, touching coinage, being very near to all his important areas.

Sure.

these would sell, I think, the pockets.

Well, that is a good idea, but as you say, it's a new thing.

It's a new thing, so it doesn't count, does it?

Well, it's stretching the boundaries of textination, but I think that's okay.

If people have got amazingly good ideas, we should encourage that, too.

I don't know.

I think we should keep it on topic.

Rebrand something that... I think the key to this is you don't change the essential nature of the object.

Exactly.

It has to exist.

If you're going to change it, it has to be a completely superficial change.

Pockets is nice, though.

Let's keep that, you know, in the locker for Dragon's Den.

So I don't think loudspeookers would work, either, would they?

Loutspookers?

What's loudspeookers?

They're wireless speakers in the shape of ghosts.

Well, that's a nice idea.

Yeah.

Is that all you've got for loudspeookers?

Just the name.

Well, well, they're the shape of ghosts.

Yes.

And they're wireless, so you can hide them about the place.

Right.

And then they'll go, woo!

They'll do that if you actually play a CD that's got that on it.

With that sound on it, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it comes with one of them.

But I don't think that's applicable either, is it, Loudspookers?

Well, Loudspookers is okay because you're just dressing them differently.

Like, you take regular speakers and you just put a ghost shape on.

Yeah, well that's what the waffle is, isn't it?

Yes, exactly, so I'm saying that's... That's good, so right.

Loudspookers, yes.

Poncell, yes.

Pockets, no.

Anyway, keep your ideas coming in, 64046.

Here is LaRue with Quicksand for your listeners.

That's the sort of song that if you stripped away the production, it would be quite simplistic.

In a wonderful charming way.

Like a group, the sort of song a group of enthusiastic Vikings could sing.

Yes.

Well that was by 20-year-old Eleanor Jackson, Ellie, who calls herself LaRue,

And that was actually released last year, way back last year, December the 15th.

But she's top tip for greatness in 2009.

LaRue, she was on the BBC News page.

There's a lot of those lists around, aren't there?

Like, people to watch for 2009.

Does anybody ever go back to the previous year and find out whether their tips were effective or truthful?

Sometimes, but not very often.

Because generally they're not.

Well, generally, usually they're right, because those are the people who they know a marketing budget is going to be put behind.

Right, that's very cynical.

Well, it's true, do you not think?

Yeah.

You know they're the bands who are going to get the big push.

And sometimes they deserve the big push.

And sometimes they don't.

But that's the way it happens with a lot of things, though, nowadays as well.

I mean, comedy as well.

Towards the end of last year, you couldn't escape Michael McIntyre.

That's true.

You know, when a few months before, no one had really heard of him or seen him.

I remember him popping up on Charlotte Church's TV show a few years ago as a kind of occasional pundit.

But this, like the last six months, he got an amazing boost.

And he's obviously been honing his craft for many years.

I'm not saying that he's just like come from nowhere for no reason.

He's a very talented comedian.

But he suddenly exploded though, didn't he?

And that was partly because a button was pushed somewhere.

A button was pushed and he exploded?

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm saying that he was... I missed all this, I'm not saying.

Oh, he did you?

I saw him at the Royal Variety Performance, but he seemed intact.

No, no, it was after that.

Really?

It turns out he was packed with explosives.

And someone pushed a button, yeah, just after the big fat quiz of the year.

What people will do for entertainment these days?

Apparently Jimmy Carr pushed the button.

Really?

And he exploded.

Right.

Yeah, but there's still bits of him left, so they're going to be on various other chat shows.

It's good because now he's in several pieces here, so he can go on like different shelves at the same time.

can do Graham Norton and he can also do Charlotte Church and he can also go on like 9 out of 10 cats at the same time, so it's good.

I did watch the Royal Variety performance though.

Well done.

I recorded it in HD.

Who is your favourite?

Why do you have to watch the Royal Variety performance in HD?

I don't know, because I've got this new free sat box, it gets me free HD satellite programming, so I was just recording everything in HD.

Sure.

And whatever it was, it didn't matter.

Hand over fist, I was recording stuff.

and I watched that and it had George Sampson on it.

Do you know who George Sampson is?

Is he married to Delilah?

No, that's an older Sampson.

He won Britain's Got Talent last year.

He's a teenage boy with... Is he a tap dancer?

Yeah, he sort of does breakdancing to that remix of Singing in the Rain.

I did see that.

He was a sensation this summer.

I did see that.

He was the biggest news.

He was getting mobbed in shopping malls and stuff like that.

He did a spectacular dance routine that ended up with an amazing backflip into a puddle of water.

It was very impressive, but very bad for his back.

I think he might have some back problems.

Anyway, his prize was to perform at the Royal Variety.

But since he was famous during the summer, his star has somewhat waned a bit.

He released an album and some videos, and they didn't sell very well.

And the performance at the Royal Variety didn't go that well.

Well, it was strange.

I saw it, and he was flanked by dancers, like on both sides, who were doing exactly the same move that he was.

Yeah, he didn't stand out.

They'd messed it up.

They'd ruined it for Sampson.

And then a couple of days later,

He was quoted in the press, being very disrespectful towards Simon Cowell, slagging him off, turning against him, saying that Cowell had bungled the issue of the single, that the single should have been released after the variety performance, you know, and so that's it for Samson.

Oh my lordy.

That's my prediction.

Yeah, you reckon?

I think it's over.

You don't- The joke sets in.

Definitely.

Cal won't stand for that, will he?

Probably not.

That's it.

He's made mistake number one.

Don't cross the dark road with the ludicrous haircut.

Exactly.

That's rule number one in the pop-up.

Listen, we've got time for a tiny slice of Billy Joel before the news.

This is a free play.

Hope you enjoy.

It's still rock and roll to me.

That was Catherine the Waitress there by, uh, Tytor.

Ty-tor?

Ty-tor.

Ty-tor and Ty-tor.

Ty-tor.

Oh, it's too tight.

He's a singer-songwriter from the Faroe Islands.

I like that.

It sounded a bit like a Michael Nyman song, didn't it?

Yeah.

And some good glockenspiel action going on as well.

Very nice.

I've never heard of Ty-tor.

Did we find out where those islands are?

Told you so.

Ah, well, they're always on the shipping forecast, aren't they the pharaohs?

This is that was his from his third English language album the singer.

So what would be the language spoken on the pharaoh islands then?

foreign foreign It's pretty cool to come from somewhere really Sort of isolated these days in music don't you think if there's the guy that records his songs in the he's kind of back backwards guy Who was that guy?

I've been talking about it the other week, Benny Backwoods.

Johnny Backwoods.

Not Bon Iver.

Someone like that.

Well he's, yeah, he went off the log cabin, didn't he?

That's perfect to be from the Faroe Islands.

Yeah.

If the ideal thing would be the only person who lived on a tiny unnamed island.

Right, with a volcano in the middle of stuff.

Yeah, and you made records.

You had a little recording studio.

And you had a really eccentric accent that no one had heard.

and make metal on the side of the volcano.

You did it, maybe you don't have instruments, you just have various endangered wildfowl that you hit with a hammer like the Muppafoam.

Exactly.

And you've made a glockenspiel out of driftwood or something, and you'd get a record deal in seconds, wouldn't you?

Easily.

Imagine all the copy on the back of your CDs.

Don't step on my multi scooter.

maybe that would be good for song wars next week like the most quirky foreign sounding like you know what I'm getting at yeah yeah why don't we do that because we got to do a song next week

could one who are the artists that fall into that category but we keep playing them on this blooming show every week there's some other new eccentric nordic fisherman who's some sort of a gurgling anthem well perhaps listeners might be able to help suggest a few of the precedents are yeah who are we talking about what are we talking about if you can tell us what we're talking about

Please let us know.

We'd really appreciate it.

What's the address?

I don't know.

It's Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk and that's the number 6, not the letter 6, and an ampersand, not the word and.

The 6 isn't a letter.

What?

Or 64046.

You can text us if you know what we're talking about.

That would be great.

And we're in the midst of Text the Nation.

I guess we, shall we come back to Text the Nation after...

after the next track maybe we should because i've got a few that i need to just sort through quickly is that all right a bit of sorting okay fine here's uh left field right now with release the pressure yeah listen sorry about that one well listen it ended up all right didn't it left field to know i mean i'm just speaking for myself i didn't think that was a particularly strong record did you not enjoy that one no maybe we were talking about cod reggae earlier

Maybe someone out there did though Do let us know if you like that one six four zero four six But that wouldn't that be good if you liked it Tell us if no one texts in them then we'll know maybe not to not to pop that one on the playlist again Yeah, I'm sure someone enjoyed that one.

Let us know if it was you it's text the nation time So we have a jingle just to make things formal.

Yeah Text the nation text text text text the nation.

What if I don't want to text the nation?

It doesn't matter text

And Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about rebranding everyday items to make them more saleable, marketable.

Someone suggested this is inspired by something that my wife was given for Christmas.

A wattle.

W-O-T-L-E.

And you would think that that word comes from the fusion of the words water and bottle.

Wrong.

Someone has suggested that maybe it comes from the fusion of the words woman and bottle.

Well, who did?

We should get that email up and credit them with their name because that's a good suggestion.

For instance, if you follow that logic and what a marketer griddle to women.

What would that be?

The Whittle.

All kinds of products could be specially rebranded for women by putting, replacing the first letter with a W. Yeah, like a hanky.

Yeah.

When we say women, we're talking about sort of the marketeer's idea of what a woman is rather than actual women.

The fictional lady.

The fictional, yeah, idea of a lady.

The sort of lady who reads grots or other mags like that.

Have we got any good suggestions from listeners for rebranded objects?

Well, you can be the judge of what is, whether they're good or not.

Here's one from Bennett.

He says, a teethbrush, a simple change to the plural, enables you to clean more than one tooth at a time, dramatically reducing the time required to achieve sparkling chompers.

So he has actually changed the nature of the toothbrush by presumably making it longer, so that it can cover more teeth.

Has he though?

Well, I think that's what he's getting at.

Uh, it's good though, I like, I like the changing of the name.

I don't think it's got enough, I mean, I don't mean to be disrespectful, Bennett, but I don't think it's, I think it's actually too good an idea.

It doesn't have enough- Well it all hinges on whether he's actually extending the length of the brush, though.

Yeah.

A change to the plot.

Well, maybe not.

Maybe he's just changing the word.

I think he's changing the word and he's cleverly changing the way we think about the brush.

Why buy a toothbrush when you can get a toothbrush?

Exactly.

Don't just, because everyone else out there, all the idiots.

That's true.

That's brilliant.

They're just brushing one tooth at a time.

So you needn't actually change the brush, you just change the packet.

Exactly.

Super.

That's what it's all about.

Right.

So that's good.

That's getting manufactured.

Very good.

Well done, Bennett.

Here's one from Lee Madgwick.

Fed up with your house having no entrance and exits to and from all your rooms, consider wall flaps.

A wall, but not just any wall, push or pull your wall flap for easy access to your desired room.

Wall flaps.

Lee from Kingsley.

Wall flaps makes them sound a little trivial though.

I mean, we are talking about doors here, right?

The problem with doors, generally, or wall flaps, as they may now be known, is you only buy them once in your life, really, don't you?

Right, unless you live with a very violent group of people, or police.

So that would, you'd have to have a two pronged marketing attack.

You'd have to encourage people to break their doors, somehow, and then sell them the wall flaps.

I like the idea of hinging a door from, like a cat, like giant cat flaps.

Right, hinge it from the ceiling.

Man flaps.

Manflaps is nice.

That sounds rude, doesn't it?

Sounds a little bit.

But that's the new word for doors.

Yeah.

I've come up with and, uh, yeah, you just make them like giant cat flaps.

Cool.

And then certain friends could have collars with magnetic devices on them that release the man flap.

Yeah.

And let them into your house.

Others would be banging their heads against the man flap.

Uh-huh.

Doing anything for you?

The last sentence got me excited.

Hanging against a man flat.

Banging their heads.

Yeah, move on.

So does that get manufactured, Lee Madgwick's wall flaps?

Yes, yes.

Man flaps, definitely.

Alright, well that was mighty nice.

Oh, sorry, magic and cornish.

Wall flaps.

Wall flaps is good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, here's one from- The flaps.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's one from- Here's one from Jamie Sherry.

Alright.

Hi there!

My idea is for an ethical cold cupboard called a chili nook.

Mmm.

Yeah.

These chili nooks come in a variety of pimped up designs, including a Banksy version featuring a laughing mouse smacking a policeman in the face, and a variety of bespoke tagged chili nooks with slogans such as Girl Lover, Mother's Tailbone, and Heavy Gun.

Jamie in Lychester.

That's very good Jamie.

You've thought of every single angle there.

You know the only thing I would change is the name.

I would go for Chill Nook because it sounds more ethnic.

You know what I mean?

What about just calling it chill?

Mm-hmm.

Because there's no cow-towing to punctuation or grammar or verbal correctness anymore, is there?

Right.

In branding.

So just call it chill.

Chill.

It's not a fridge.

It's not a chill.

It's an attitude.

Yeah.

Chill.

Hey, chill.

It's in the chill.

Right.

Yeah.

It's in the chill.

Because you get the bus ride of the chill.

I like that.

That was good.

Did he get commissioned?

Top marks, definitely.

Top marks for all the surrounding detail as well.

We'll send those to our partners in China and start getting those manufactured.

Here's another one from Jenny Penny.

She says, hi Adam, hi Joe.

I just had this amazing idea.

I'm not sure if I should tell people as it's so good.

It's UTAC.

Like Blutac, but when you buy it, the shop takes a scan of your face, then a stampy robot pressures out a lump of Blutac in the shape of your face.

There is also... what?

Yeah, it comes in different colours depending on your skin tone.

That's it.

So what, you're taking home the sticky stuff, but for the time being... It's got your face in it.

It's got your face on it.

That's it.

I mean, to me, that you'd have to get those machines in all the outlets.

Yeah.

If demand is a big outlet, if demand wasn't high enough, you'd be left with all these robots.

Talking about, you know, you've just sort of invented there like a huge amount of technology, Jenny Penny, that is going to be vastly expensive to manufacture.

And I like the idea, though, it's a nice idea, and I wish it existed.

Yeah.

Is what I'm saying.

But it's not going to be manufactured.

We're not going to invest in it.

I don't think so.

Not for the time being.

Listen, should we have some more of these after your free choice, Joe Cornish?

Yeah.

This is The Diggable Planets.

They're a hip-hop band who came out slightly after Della Soul, I think.

Right.

When it was fashionable to rap about flowers.

Yes, they were quite weedy, weren't they?

They were very weedy, but they had a one good track on their album.

A couple of good tracks, actually.

Their first album, whose name I forget, I've written it down here.

It's quite a complicated one.

It's called Reaching a New Refutation of Time and Space.

It was released in 93.

Yeah.

And this is a track called... I've forgotten what it's called.

What's it called then?

You'll have to forgive us listeners.

Examination of what?

Our brains are all mushy.

Examination of what?

Yes.

Is it the baby man?

yeah that was the diggable yeah that's the diggable planets you're like lisa i answer yeah hey you know uh while i remember i'd just like to say thank you to the listener who sent us a fantastic christmas card uh it's from james ellie and stella and uh i don't know if he's made it especially for us i i don't think so but we very much appreciate it he's done a picture of himself and his partner and his little baby

as a kind of tableau from, um, the film Labyrinth.

And, uh, James has dressed himself up as David Bowie as the pixie king, and he's holding a little baby, which I assume is his, the way that Bowie does in the film.

The baby's in exactly the right, uh, baby grow as well, the red and white stripy one.

And then his partner is, uh, acting anxious and, uh, worried the way that Jennifer Connolly was doing in the film Labyrinth.

And it's, it's, it's a genuinely chucklesome car.

So thanks for that, and thank you of course to everybody who sends us little bits and pieces, all of which we very much appreciate, and we can't mention everything on the show.

Somebody did a video for Dr. Sexy as well, which I believe has gone up on our website, the 6th Music website.

What was that person's name, Ben?

Do you remember?

Gemma find out for sure and say thank you to her, but that was very good You know, there's no video wars competition happening or anything.

They might be one later in the year Yeah, but at the moment there isn't one happening.

So that was lovely that she would go to those lengths.

Mm-hmm We were asking you to suggest kind of weird idiosyncratic Bands from far-flung parts of the world that we might be able to do a song wars style in the style of no do a song or song in the style of

Yeah, a lot of people were suggesting Suga Ross as the kind of prime example of that kind of thing.

I suppose so, and the grandmother of them all would be Bjork, I suppose.

Right.

Shall we do that then?

I don't know, is it a bit vague?

It's a bit vague, isn't it?

It's a little bit vague.

I was thinking an alternative would be maybe a song about the Baz Luhrmann film Australia.

Well, we were talking about this, listeners.

We don't know what you think, whether you approve of this idea, but we need to do a song wars next week, so we thought maybe if we promise to each other that we will both independently go and see the film Australia, which is quite an undertaking.

It's three hours.

Oh, you're joking.

Yeah, and it's supposed to be a real assault course of confusion and comedy and pathos and tragedy and... He's the genius!

Baz Luhrmann.

Baz Luhrmann is a genius.

He's just terrific.

He's got such a sense of showmanship that's disappeared from popular entertainment at the moment.

He's made four films in a Chanel commercial.

Oh, the Chanel commercial was my favourite.

It's my favourite Baz Luhrmann film.

He's so theatrical.

It's romantic.

He's so theatrical, isn't he?

You're right.

You know what he does?

He combines music

and songs and films in a big puddle.

He gets Nicole Kidman in them and it's beautiful.

Isn't it great?

It's so great.

I love the Chanel commercial, it's so great.

It's a revisionist interpretation of Australian history.

What, the Chanel commercial?

No, the film

It's saying that all the terrible stuff that happened to the Aboriginal people, it's all fine now.

Is it?

And they can all stop worrying about it.

Is there ABBA music on it?

Probably.

I hope so.

But we'd have to go and see this film, and then we'd have to think about it and write a song about it.

I mean, that's like, it already takes two or three days to write one of these flippin' songs.

I thought you were gonna say to see the film.

Yeah, well, it takes two or three days to see the film, but we've got enough days in the week to do all that.

Yeah.

Well, what about this?

What about this?

Yeah, we write a song, but we don't see it.

Isn't that better?

Write a song from the point of view.

We write a song about, yeah, a speculative song about the film Australia, imagining what happens in it.

Then maybe listeners who've seen it or who feel like going to see it can judge whether we capture any of the truth.

Well, that's what we did with Quantum of Solace, wasn't it?

It was purely speculative, but that's not a reason not to do it again.

Well, tell us what you think, listeners.

64046, Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

If you've got any better ideas for Song Wars, we have had some Song Wars ideas in by email.

We'll go through them maybe a little bit later in the show.

How greedy were you this Christmas?

Chocolate-wise, I was pretty greedy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I dropped any kind of, you know, standing on ceremony with in terms of chocolate intake.

Did you just wolf them down?

Wolfed.

Loads of them.

Yeah.

What time?

Because my stomach wasn't holding much.

Right.

So I felt it was okay.

It was just a big open sluice that you could pretty much pop anything down.

That's not very nice.

It isn't very nice.

I apologize listeners.

Um, but then Christmas lunch, uh, seconds, thirds.

No, I, I was still had tummy truffs.

Oh, you had problems.

Yeah.

So I, I picked some sausages and chicken.

Right, right, right.

You know, I would have liked to have been more greedy at Christmas lunch.

I had Christmas lunch with my in-laws and they provided amazing Christmas lunch and I didn't feel like I could easily have gone back for, for seconds and thirds, but there just wasn't time for some reason.

I mistimed it all.

You should go for it.

You should become a big guy.

Yeah.

I'm halfway there.

You've got the beard.

You should be a blessed guy.

Just throw caution to the wind.

You're married.

You know, you're not in the game anymore.

Well, you know, I was very heartened.

You're not on the game anymore.

I was very heartened by seeing Leonardo DiCaprio pictures of him filling out nicely.

For Revolutionary Road or whatever it's called.

And he looks good though, all filled out.

He's making a nice, tubby man then.

So that's the way I'm gonna... I mean, that's the way I've been going for a few years.

I might just go the whole... Yeah, I think you should be a big Viking man.

Maybe I will.

A big hearty bon vivre.

At the moment I look like late period Jim Morrison anyway.

Do you?

Yeah.

You think you do.

You look like early period Brian Blessed is what you really do.

But one greedy moment that I did get slightly busted for was when, in the evening on Christmas Day, we all sat round for another meal.

Oh, that was a comparatively light meal, right?

What?

You've invented a new meal?

Or was this dinner?

No, this was not one of the conventional meals.

You know like on Christmas Day you have a massive lunch, right?

Yeah.

And then you have a lighter dinner.

Which is usually quite late.

Yeah.

Because you've got to wait for everything to digest a little bit.

So everyone just picks up a bit of maybe cold turkey or I don't know, one.

Anyway, in this case, we're having a nice bit of cold ham.

Everyone was over in the kitchen loading up their plates, right?

And I got to the table first, and there was some chutney on the table.

And we've got, like my mother-in-law makes this amazing chutney.

It's the most delicious chutney you've ever tasted.

And so before anyone had sat down at the table, I scooped out more or less half the jar with a big dessert spoon.

And I popped it on my plate there, and then I thought, that's grotesque.

I've literally got half the jar right, just myself.

So what I did was I covered it with some lettuce leaves.

You didn't put it back.

No, no, I didn't put it back.

There's no question.

I wanted to eat the chutney.

I was looking forward to it.

You just didn't want to be seen to be eating the chutney.

I just didn't want to get busted for being that greedy.

Right.

So I covered it with some lettuce leaves.

And as I was finishing the coverage, I looked up and my mother-in-law was looking at me.

Really?

Yes.

What did she say?

Nothing.

We didn't mention it.

But I'm feeling pretty bad about it because I think she thinks that I'm a... Chutney thief.

Chutney fat monster man.

She was probably flatter that you love her.

Well that's what my wife said when I confessed.

She said she wouldn't mind, she'd be pleased.

Was the chutney finished?

Did other people go, oh the chutney's finished.

That didn't last long, did it?

No, I was dreading that a little bit.

But no one really mentions it because we do get through a lot of the stuff at their house because it is so delish.

But I just wanted to share that with you.

Chut me anecdote.

Chut a marvellous story.

Thanks very much.

Here is a little bit of Fleet Foxes for you listeners.

This is Mykonos.

Fleet Foxes with Mykonos, they were one of the big bands of last year and will continue to be one of the big bands and their highlight of last year.

Do you know what it was?

I read in some mag or other.

Meeting you?

Meeting Nigel Godrich.

Oh really?

Yeah, they said that was the number one thing of their year.

Quite right too.

Yes, well he would be good producing them.

He would.

You know, they've already got a nice kind of echoey godricy sound.

I wouldn't want to mess with that sound, would you?

Maybe not.

Fox's sound, maybe, but he wouldn't mess with it, Nigel.

He'd enhance it.

He knows where to place those mics.

Yeah.

So, listen, I was talking earlier, listeners, about a listener.

I've used the word, listen, and listeners the words too much.

Gemma Kemp, she was called, and she had made a video for Dr. Sexy, apropos of nothing.

I think she was slightly ashamed for no good reason of the video entry she made to Video Wars.

Alright.

And she wanted to try and do something a bit better while she's succeeded and done a Dr. Sexy video with some very good lip syncing.

But we have rewarded her

with an exciting new thing that we can do on this show.

A couple of weeks ago, we were complaining about the text that comes up on a digital radio.

When you listen to the show, it has a bit of info, and we were complaining that they had used some dismissive terminology to describe us.

They described it as music and idiotic chatter.

Yeah, we weren't very happy with that, so we got it changed, but in doing so, we forged a relationship with the people in charge of the, what we'll call the digital ticker tape, the readout that happens on your radio, and we now have control of it.

Is that correct, Ben?

So we've rewarded Gemma Kemp by putting her name up on that digital scroll.

It's one of the most amazing things that can happen to a human being.

Can we just test it by just putting something random into it?

What should we put into it?

What, just some random phrase?

Yeah, like, touch my totties.

Yeah, Mr. Henderson, you're hurting my totties.

Mr. Henderson, you're hurting my totties.

Could you put that in there, please?

And could you spell hurting?

H-O-R-T-I-N-G.

Like, hoarding.

Hoarding.

Is that, what is that from?

Is that from the film, um... That's an invented phrase, isn't it?

Isn't it from that film with, uh... About the werewolves?

My tortoise.

Oh, Mr Henderson!

You're hoarding my tortoise!

Is it from a film from where... Silver Bullet is the name of the film.

No, that's... Why Jane, your trim hole in.

That's right, that's right.

So is that now up there?

Mr Henderson, you're horting my totties.

Horting my totties.

Is it?

So if you've got a digital radio, let us know whether that works, whether that phrase comes out.

And my whole spiel about rewarding Gemma is now redundant because we've taken that message off and replaced it with tottie horting.

But it was up there for a little while Gemma, so thank you very much indeed.

We might try and think of other...

things that, well, if you have any ideas, listeners, for things that we can put up there.

I just thought it would be a good, a good prize, but of course if you... No prizes!

Don't even mention the word prize!

For instance, we could reward the best text we get for text the nation with... Just even saying reward is dangerous.

Isn't it just?

Because that's competitive behavior.

We don't want to do that.

Any competitive behavior.

Can we check that with the big bosses at the BBC?

See whether we can do that.

Because it's not a physical prize, is it?

No.

No, and we're not, you know, we're not asking for money or anything.

That should be legal, shouldn't it?

I wouldn't like to say.

I wouldn't even like to speculate.

Let's have another record and then we'll come back with some more text the nations.

Here is, uh, what have we got?

Have we got a bit of Bunnyman?

Oh, Blondie, Blondie, Blondie, let's have some Blondie.

This is dreamy.

That's Blondie with Dreaming.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Very nice to be with you, listeners.

Live on the 3rd of January 2009.

The year of the baboon.

Is that really so?

No.

I don't know what year it is, Chinese.

For us it's the year of the baboon.

Thank you for everybody who has texted in saying that the new message on the digital ticket tape has worked.

People are complaining that Henderson should have a capital H. Our producer Ben, in his defence, says that the only capital he can put in the phrase is at the beginning of the sentence.

The technology is such that it does not permit uppercase letters thereafter.

So sorry about that.

And, Ben, do you have that clip, the Lapland clip, that I want to play, Joe?

This was a news report that I heard on the 23rd of December.

Things were a lot quieter in those days.

You know, now, unfortunately, the news is filled with all kinds of hideous stuff.

But then, on the 23rd of December,

The big story was that dozens of children and families had had their trip to Lapland cancelled because of bad weather.

These were children and families from the UK.

The pilot flying the plane to Lapland where they were going to meet Santa said that the conditions in northern Scandinavia did not meet safe operational standards, so they had to call the flight off.

But the parents were up in arms.

I mean, they were furious about it.

Do you want to hear some of the mothers?

Yes.

Here we go.

These mothers said their children were bitterly disappointed.

Cutted, really.

Absolutely cutted.

The children were so looking forward to it, we don't know what to do.

The experience is one that I wouldn't want to put anybody through.

Your child's crying, grandparent's were crying, parents were crying, and then we had to explain the fact that we weren't got a lab land.

Oh my god.

They were all crying.

It was just carnage.

It was the worst thing that they'd ever... What are they crying at?

Because the flight's been cancelled.

Flight's been cancelled.

And their dreams of meeting Santa and Lapland have been smashed into a million tiny pieces.

Just because the pilot felt that it was a little unsafe because of the weather.

Hmm, do you think he should have thrown caution to the wind and tried to get there?

Definitely!

It's alright that we were all killed because going to see Santa is such a goal for my kids that I'm happy they crashed.

You know, why couldn't the- the- Santa would almost certainly have gone up there in his sleigh and- and sorted out the plane.

Except that's what would have happened.

I think they would have been plummeting through the air.

So instead they cancel the flight.

Parents, you know, the children are crying, of course they're crying.

So the parents then see the children crying, they start crying.

Then the grandparents are confused and tired, they all start crying.

What if one of them was sick?

Yeah.

The other ones would inevitably be sick as well.

Suddenly they would start vomiting.

Yeah, they would vomit.

And crying.

Yeah.

As soon as, well, one of them would be crying.

One of them would slip over in it.

One of the parents would be crying so hard they would vomit, certainly.

Yeah.

And then, as soon as they vomited.

That happens a lot.

The children would vomit.

As you say, then the grandparents start sliding around.

One of them breaks a hip, and then they're crying so... Then they're ripping at each other's clothes to try and steady themselves, and their clothes are coming off.

One of them crashes through a plate glass window.

So there's blood.

So there's blood everywhere.

So, you know, you've got all kinds of serious injuries.

It's the domino effect.

I mean, I'm not trying to make light of the misfortunes of families who were genuinely looking forward to a wonderful trip that they'd paid for that was cancelled, even though they were refunded.

Presumably they got refunded, yeah.

They were refunded.

But still, I mean, they are right to be distraught, because that sounds hideous though, doesn't it?

All that crime.

It's a massive tragedy, so sorry about that, but I thought you should know.

Thank you.

23rd of December that happened.

Now, listen, we're failing to catch up with Text the Nation, aren't we?

But we'll do that after this next track, which is a free play that I've chosen for you listeners.

I don't know if you heard, but we put a compilation of some moments from this show together for Radio 2.

It went out on New Year's Day between 12 and 2.

You can probably hear the whole thing on Listen Again.

It's the best of, isn't it?

Yeah.

It'll be on the iPlayer, I think.

Right, right.

So it's the highlights from how many shows?

Well, from about 14 months' worth.

Wow.

It's some highlights.

You know, I went through as many shows as I could and tried to fill it some bits.

A lot of stuff you couldn't include there for various reasons because it was just too complicated to stick in.

Right.

But I put a few bits in there for novices, and there will be a few things in there that you wouldn't have heard even if you're a regular listener, so give it a listen.

I also chose a great deal of the music, well, all of the music that went in there, and I was trying to envisage my mum listening to the show, you know?

And so I put music that I thought she would enjoy there, because we were filling in for Jeremy Vine.

I don't know if you listen to Jeremy Vine's show, but he plays very different kind of music that we play here at Six Music, so I was trying to compromise in some way.

Anyway, this is one of the tracks that I wanted to put in, but it was too long.

But it's one of my faves that would certainly not sound out of place on Radio 2, but it's a smash by Duran Duran, his savour prayer.

So Franky Turner, innit?

Reasons to be... not... no, reasons not to be an idiot.

Yeah.

By Turner.

Thanks to everyone who's confirmed that the message is coming through.

Is it still up there now?

What have you put up?

Really?

Well done.

Yeah, that's us manipulating our text ticker scroll.

We're going to do a couple of text-on-ations quickly before the news.

Do we have time?

Yeah, go on, let's even play the jingle.

Really?

Yeah, come on.

Text-on-ation!

Text!

Text-on-ation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-on-ation!

It doesn't matter.

Text!

That's the nation this week is to rebrand existing objects in a way that will make people buy them without changing the nature of the object itself, right?

22 seconds.

Hi Adam and Jo, I think an amazing invention would be the lady glass, an amazing panel of glass capable of reflecting beautiful stroke, ugly images depending on the lady, sure to transfix their attention from many hours he means a mirror.

That's a nice idea.

You call it a lady glass, Ollie and Ellsfield.

Very nice, 10 seconds.

While shopping in London I saw some fantastic love works by Japanese clothing money- uh, not gonna have time.

Go on, that was a good one!

You just stopped making sense there.

It's 11.30, it's time for the news.

Ooh, that's Kanicki with Punker and Claire Grogan will be standing in for... sitting in for Lauren after Liz after us.

Yes, exactly.

Now let's tie up Text the Nation right now with the full jingle.

Thank you, Ben.

Text the nation!

Text, text, text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

And text the nation this week, sorry.

No, I was going to say all the people that were using email out there and were worried about whether it was a problem or not, they wouldn't have known because the full jingle was not being played.

What happened there?

He played an official jingle though, Ben.

He played an official jingle, but it's a shorter one, yeah.

So it's your fault, essentially.

Well, no, because the shorter jingle is there for later on in the show once the full jingle has been played.

Oh, so Ben initiated the segment using a cotailed jingle?

Using the truncated jingle?

Such a thing cannot be tolerated, Ben!

Not at the big British castle!

You will pay!

You will get your headphones and get out!

Can I throw a pencil at him?

Are you gonna throw a pencil at him?

As punishments?

Mr. Neatuck, George Bush style.

So listen, Text the Nation this week is all about rebranding everyday objects to make them more saleable.

Inspired by Adam's wife being given not a water bottle for Christmas but a wattle.

A special designer portable water bottle, which we are in no way advertising.

by mentioning it over and over again, because it's silly.

And here are some ideas that have come in.

This is from Jim, Julie, and Little Louie.

Even though there are three names on the text, it seems to have come from one voice, one of those people, who says, Hi, Adam and Jo, I've just had a shower and used a new towel that was so soft and nice, it was more like a wow.

A towel that makes you go, wow.

That's a good idea.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

So you sell the extra softness.

You have sexy people in positions where their elbows just conceal their nipples.

And the left thigh is just far forward enough so you can't see any Bermuda Triangle mystery areas.

I was wondering how you're going to deal with that.

And they're wiping this towel against them.

And it's so soft.

And they're going, wow, wow.

in a way that's been dubbed like in that toothpaste advert.

And you know, as a tangential thing, as a logo, they could have an owl going... Why?

Because it's... I don't know, these owls go twit-twoo.

Yeah, but the wowl could go... Right.

Okay, it's got the word owl in it.

Yeah, maybe they can... I'm with you now, I understand.

Right, right.

A wow.

that's a good idea is that getting manufactured yeah yes the wow very good here's one from andrew book uh his idea is puzzle nuts a food and logic puzzle in one to keep the family enthralled and entertained over christmas puzzle nuts

Unlike ordinary nuts, come in a hard shell that requires a devilish degree of lateral thinking to open, and access the delicious meat within.

Do you describe the substance of a nut as meat?

Nutmeat?

Yeah, you could do.

I like it.

Is that a good idea?

So, they're like monkey nuts, which are quite frustrating anyway and give you something to occupy your hands with.

Certainly.

Well, there's always a cashew there in the bag that is completely sealed and doesn't give you any purchase whatsoever that you have to really... And you try and tap it along the seam and it won't split.

And maybe you nibble on it and... But he's talking about making those shells plastic, I assume, and making them actual puzzles.

No, he isn't.

Isn't he?

No, he's talking about collecting the hardest to crack nuts and marketing them as puzzles.

I would think.

Because that's what it's all about.

He's not being specific.

You're going to have to clarify there, Andrew Book.

Is he related to John Book from Witness?

It's just what I was thinking.

The Book Man.

Is that a good idea?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Yeah.

It's expensive.

It's not very ecologically sound and dangerous as well.

How is it expensive?

Because while I'm still imagining it as little Rubik style puzzle.

You're insane.

He's talking about regular nuts from trees.

From nut trees.

Are you, Andrew?

We'll see.

Okay.

Just send in a quick text to say yes or no, i.e.

yes, you are just talking about regular nuts from nut trees.

Or no, you're talking about manufactured Rubik nuts.

Here's another one not dissimilar to the wow.

This is from Will in Edinburgh.

He says, Morning Adam and Jo, idea for all ladies who are tired of having cold legs on winter days.

It's a new item of clothing, very like trousers, but designed to make the fashion statement that women desire.

They're called wowzers.

Similar idea, yeah.

Women love a sense of wow, the wow factor.

And this is that in the form of trousers, wowsers.

Certainly, that's a good idea.

You could even have W's on the back pockets.

Yeah.

You like that one?

Is that going ahead then?

Yeah.

Why not?

Joe in London, it's not me, it's another Joe in London, has been angered by some of these entries.

He says, today's text donation entries, with the exception of wall flaps, clearly violate the terms you set forth.

It's supposed to be about laughably tenuous rebranding, not the invention of lame gimmicks.

These jokers should be verbally kicked in their man flaps forthwith, or I shall take it to Ofcom.

Which lame gimmicks?

You see, this is what I'm talking about then.

With the exception of the nuts, which is all in your mind, you're inventing a Rubik Nut.

You see, well, there's various issues there bundled together.

I think earlier texts that we read out were maybe just brand new inventions.

I was guilty of them, my pocket liners and all that sort of business.

But I do think I've got the nuts right, surely.

Are we still waiting for the text to come in there, a yes or a no?

My texts have logged out.

Well, let's conclude text the nation for the time being anyway, and we'll inform you as to whether the nut controversy is resolved before the end of the show and Liz Kershaw's arrival.

But for now, here is some more music from Franz Ferdinand.

Now, is this new Ferdinand or vintage Ferdinand?

New Ferdinand.

Wow.

Have you heard this one before, Joe?

This is Ulysses, released on January the 19th from their album, their third album, which is called Tonight, Franz Ferdinand.

Here's Ulysses.

That's exciting.

Ooh, is that some stylophone action?

I don't know.

No, I don't think that was stylophone.

Sounds a bit like it.

That's Franz Ferdinand.

What was that called?

Ulysses.

Very exciting.

That's the new one from Franz Ferdinand.

And this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

So before the end of the show, which is now 15, less than 15 minutes away, listeners, we've got to resolve this song wars issues.

We are going to do one for next week.

We floated various ideas, including a song about the film Australia, the Baz Luhrmann film.

it's beautiful um what else have we uh we the other idea that came up was to it was a bit vague this idea but it was to do a kind of weird outside a bit of pop uh siguros or bon either style kind of a sort of separatist pop i don't know what you'd call it like the most

idiosyncratic pop song yeah to be as weird as possible it would be a good six music song to play but it's a bit wishy-washy isn't it you have to be in a funny accent and stuff I don't know it would just end up like a Bjork pastiche probably might be fun though we've had some other ideas and this is from Paul in Southampton

Dear Adam and Joas, you've both been mega chums for quite some time.

Yes, we have been, and that's how we describe it as well, mega chums.

I'm guessing that you two may have a skeleton or two in the closet, or at the very least a thumb bone, that the other is unaware of.

Maybe Jo set fire to Adam Scrappydoo puppet when he was a little Buxton.

A burning secret that your conscience has been niggling at you for weeks.

months, maybe years, to reveal.

Why not put this revelation into a song?

Hmm.

Some sort of personal thing?

It's difficult because it doesn't give you much of a musical direction, though.

Here's another one.

David Cochrane.

Hi Adam and Jo.

My idea for Song Wars is to take a speech from a film and sing it over a style of music completely inappropriate for that film.

For example, Bill Pullman's speech from near the end of Independence Day set to an Afro-Cuban backing.

There may be some copyright issues, but why let that stop you?

That's a nice idea.

Nice idea.

Here's a couple of ideas from Adam Butcher.

He says, why not take the exact text of a well-known highbrow poem, make it cool-sounding for modern youth?

Right, right, right.

What poem would you do?

But here's the most interesting one, and this is kind of slightly off-topic.

Hello, Adam and Jo.

I hope you're enjoying your happy crinkles break.

Please can I ask that you put the National Treasure Songs back on the BBC website.

My friend had lunch with Joanna Lumley on Saturday, so I asked her to ask Joanna what she thought of Jo's song.

But Joanna hadn't heard of it, and I think may have been vaguely insulted by my friend's description of it.

I suggested that they listen to it so she could see for herself how lovely it was, but it had gone.

And I'm sure that insulting Joanna, however vaguely, was no one's intention.

Please put it back on so she can listen to it.

Tar.

We can put it on the website, can't we?

Well, we need to get in touch with Joanna's people and make sure she gets a lovely CD.

We'll do it through a Jen who sent us that email.

Jen, we'll try and email you and get that sorted.

And I wasn't in no way am I mocking Joanna's documentary that was shown almost in constant rotation over Christmas.

It was disturbingly irony-free, as I recall.

Yeah.

There we go, another Song Wars suggestion.

This isn't a suggestion, this is a provocative email from Derek Winton.

Hey Adam and Jo, I feel slightly bad writing this as I really do like your show and far be it from me to criticise, but do you think the Song Wars might be a bit improved by keeping the songs shorter?

That's not a bad point.

Otherwise, keep up the excellent work.

Cheers, Derek.

That's a good point, Derek, because originally we did start at like 30 seconds, didn't we?

We just thought no one would want to hear anything more than that, and that may still be the case.

Now we've become a bit self-absorbed.

Yeah, now we're churning.

I mean, I'm the worst for that.

You are the worst.

Sometimes I go up to like two and a half minutes or something, or even three.

It's not helping to decide what to do though, is it?

Well, what about a one minute song about Australia?

Alright.

Let's do it.

I'll go and see Australia.

You know?

There's no other re- Sorry, I was just coughing up my guts.

It's okay.

I need to be forced to see it.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not going to see it voluntarily.

I want to go and see Australia.

I mean, there's something in me that makes me want to go and see Australia.

I think it's called a fart?

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

I apologize to everyone.

in the world uh here's my free play this is an exciting payoff earlier in the show i played johnny osborne's uh song truth and rights a classic old bit of reggae from 1918 now a very clever remix man called owl fingers has taken the music from truth and rights and mixed it with uh marvin gaye's vocal from what's going on to create this gorgeous mash-up nugget uh this is owl fingers with what's going on

Roadblock.

Grip it.

Ram Jam.

That's Al Fingers with, uh, what's it called?

What's going on?

Using the instrumental from Johnny Osbourne's Truth and Rights.

Very nice.

Thanks.

That's pretty much it for our show.

You're gonna be watching Celebrity Big Brother tonight.

No!

Hey!

Listen, we've got the nut news.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, remember a moment ago we were having an argument about what the fella meant by his puzzle nuts?

Was he talking about just normal nuts or was he talking about modifying the nuts?

Joe is correct.

I meant a nut surrounded by a brightly coloured Rubik's cube type shell.

He doesn't, that's what he doesn't say.

What he does say is I just meant ordinary in-shell nuts.

I thought since most kids these days probably haven't seen one outside of a cake, for them it would effectively be a Rubik's nut.

Also, my name is Andrew Cook.

Thanks, champs.

I don't know something that wasn't.

I think it was a predictive text failure.

Right.

Thank you very much indeed for listening to our show, ladies and gentlemen.

We really appreciate it.

We'll be back with you at the same time next week.

Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.

She's coming up next.

Don't forget there's a podcast of this program that you can download.

It should be available from Monday evening onwards.

And what else?

You can listen to the whole show again on Listen Again if you want, or the iPlayer.

Yeah, and thanks to everybody who's texted and emailed us.

Please continue to do so during the week.

We'll be back at the same time next week.

Thanks for listening.

Have a good week, bye!

Bye.