The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (22 November 2008)

And now, it's Adam and Jo.

Hello and welcome to the big British castle.

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking here.

It's your thing.

That's the Isley Brothers.

They've got your thing.

Oh, I wish they'd give it back.

Well, they're not.

They're just taunting you about it.

They're just saying, look, it's your thing.

They're filthy thieves.

There's no way you're going to get it back.

They're playing with it.

They're just having a little funky time with it.

They're dirty knickers.

And they're going to go off with your thing.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Morning.

Good morning.

It's a lovely morning.

morning here in London town and it's just bright and shiny, nice orangey light.

The weathermen are talking about seas, we usually talk about the weather.

Yeah, I like to talk about the weather.

They're talking about a massive cold front coming in from the Arctic.

Right.

Do you like to pronounce the two seas in Arctic?

Er, Arctic, yes.

I wouldn't do it as, er, over-the-toply as you just done.

I think if there's a second C there, it should be pronounced Arctic.

Arctic.

I would, yeah, I would say Arctic.

That's how I would do it normally.

I wouldn't go, Arctic.

I think you should.

Arctic.

Oh, it's a recurring theme.

Anyway, it's going to turn, er, Britain into a winter wonderland.

Yes.

Which will cost £15.95 to get into.

Right.

And we'll have a rubbish rollercoaster.

And we'll be, yes, disappointing.

Yeah, no, it's going to turn the whole place into a Christmassy Wonder Zone.

I thought you were going to say, well, you know, the thing about Christmassy Wonder Zones is that they do, you know, punish the pocket of the local councils.

Well, what we've got, we're talking, what's the phrase?

Split brushes.

Rubbish.

I'm talking about the whole country and the climate.

Yeah.

You're talking about what happens in Hyde Park.

No, I'm not just talking about hype.

I'm just saying that it's wonderful to get a wintry scene around this time of year, postcard style.

But it taxes the pocket?

It taxes the pocket because of all the, you know, I mean, the rail system grinds to a halt as soon as they get the wrong kind of leaves on the track, don't they?

True.

So what are they going to do with all kinds of snow and then you get slush and then it turns into a nightmare and then it's ice age to the meltdown?

No, they put the big scoop on the front of the train, like in Polar Express.

Do they?

And Tom Hanks lights a little brazier on top of one of the carriages.

A brassiere.

And then men come through the carriages singing hot, hot, hot, hot chocolate.

And then someone loses their ticket.

Yes.

Goes flying and flies around.

And then they change all the tracks so it turns into like a roller coaster.

Yes, no, it goes off the tracks and slides around and it's amazing.

This is going to be the best winter on record.

Since records began.

Since the film Polar Express.

I can't believe it.

Folks, we've got a show, we've literally got a show for you, which is going to last until 12 o'clock and that's guaranteed.

We've got great music and here's some more of it right now.

This is The Bees with Chicken Payback.

The Bees, with Chicken Payback.

Last week, on Text the Nation, we were talking about songs, song titles that could be plausibly turned into movies of some kind.

Or even implausibly.

And, uh, Natty in Kentish Town, uh, texted us and said, Chicken Payback by The Bees could inspire a gangster vendetta film, er, film sequel to Chicken Run.

It would star Mel Gibson, like Chicken Run.

Peck Frenzy!

That was from Natty.

And then we got an email during the week saying, this is from Seamus, I'm a big fan of the show, I direct commercials and music videos.

I originally pitched an idea for the Bees Chicken Payback video that was exactly the concept submitted during your Texanation segment last week.

The Bees didn't buy the idea, but years later I submitted the concept to Moby, who liked it!

Uh, and he's got a, um, YouTube link there.

I don't know what it, I don't know what you would search for, what the search criteria would be.

Maybe, Moby, chickens.

Chickens.

Something like that, and you can have a little look at it.

But thank you very much, uh, for that flurry of communication there.

You know, we always welcome a bit of communication.

The text number is, I don't, I've been doing this for over a year and I still don't know it.

It's 64046.

Thank you very much, Claire.

Talking about communication.

When I come into the studio in the morning, I look through the week's emails and I saw one from a fellow called Stevie Raff.

It's headed, Steven brackets, Joe is the best, close brackets.

So I opened that email and it says, dot, dot, dot, he's not really the best, but he is the most vain.

So by in saying that, I've increased the chances of being read.

Nicely.

And that's really worked.

I mean, it worked brilliantly.

I went straight for that one.

And now I feel like a fool.

Yeah.

You are a fool.

That's a lot, Stephen Graff.

Hey, you know, I got a Stephen in the street this week.

No.

Yeah.

What, you assaulted one?

No, someone shouted Stephen.

Someone shouted Stephen.

When I say in the street... Someone shouted?

Someone shouted down there.

...industry.

And when I say in the street, I mean in a shop.

Right.

And when I say in a shop, I mean in the cinema store.

Right.

Okay.

By one of the people who work there?

No, it was a member of the public.

I didn't recognise him.

He looked cool.

He looked like Kiefer Sutherland in Lost Boys.

So he looked right at home in the cinema store.

Well, it was cool in 1980.

Well, exactly.

Whatever it was.

The cinema store we should tell listeners is a shop that sells cinema goodies and DVDs and stuff in central London.

Other cinema goodies stores.

are relatable yeah but it's one we like to frequent and it's it's lots of film fans go there don't they yeah it's always got the latest goodies you get a lot of famous people going in there you do luke goss from bros oh he's famous he's in the films is it not goss from bros or luke goss from bros it's luke uh i'm sure they both go in there it's hard to tell one from the other but one of them's a film star now isn't he was in blade two and luke goss from bros stuff like that was in something else good he plays villains yeah he loves to play villains yeah

Anyway, I got a Steven in there.

When I was in there, I was going in there, I was buying a little bit of DVD fun for the weekend.

Right, you were downstairs.

Downstairs.

And quite gingerly, he said, Steven, as I walked out.

And I turned round to check that it was addressed to me, and it was.

And so I gave him the, just coming!

Hey, didn't he look happy?

I think he did, yeah.

I didn't wait around too long to check because, you know... Was there somebody ahead of you going up the stairs who might have been called Stephen?

No, it was definitely for me.

Yeah, definitely.

So I got my first Stephen.

Wow, that's exciting.

We've got more Stephen news coming up a little bit later in the show.

People have been participating in this extraordinary countrywide experiment.

And, you know, patch your results, I'd say.

Basically, just to remind you, listeners, this is a thing that we did ages ago about.

I won't explain the whole thing.

Yeah, we'll explain it when we come back to it maybe later.

It's come down to, if you see us in the street, you shout, Stephen!

And then we shout, just come in!

Yeah, not, well, not to us, but just to try and... And to each other!

...a sort of clarion call to other listeners of the show.

Absolutely, exactly.

Check if you're a fellow Adam and Joe radio show.

We'll come back to that later.

It's a free play for you now, Adam.

Listen, this is a nice... Oh, this is a short one.

This is the edit.

Anyway, it is quite a long track, so I suppose it's good that it's a short version.

This is Wordy Wrapping Hood by TomTomclub.

Florence and the Machine with Dog Days Are Over.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Welcome, happy Saturday morning to you listeners.

You know, it's funny having a radio show, isn't it?

Yeah, it sort of leaks into one's life in peculiar ways.

Like the other day I was talking on the show about procrastinating.

We were both talking about procrastinating, stuff you do to avoid actually doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Exactly.

Work.

and I was saying one of the things I did was to surf the internet in an egocentric way and check out how all of our all of our both our various endeavors on the internet are going like how our podcasts faring sure on iTunes which happens to be the the thing I used to access is it can be accessed in many other ways can it

Yeah, can it?

Yeah, through the website, stuff like that.

Oh, right.

And I like to look at the comments, see what people have written underneath it.

You really go the whole hog, don't you?

Well, I'm procrastinating.

I'll do anything, anything to avoid working, anything.

And that's one of my regular pit stops.

Yeah, well, if you read a really horrible comment, that'll stop you working.

Yeah, exactly.

The thing was the point.

Perfect.

Two thumbs up.

Get angry for half an hour.

Argh!

You know, do something else.

Think about something else other than work.

But of course, having spoken about it, the last time I was procrastinating, Monday of this week, I logged on and of course it was full of messages saying, Joe, stop procrastinating!

Get back to work Cornish.

What are you doing wasting your time?

I felt admonished and slapped down.

Yeah by our own listenership Yeah, well quite right rightly.

So done a good job.

They're just funny strange It was like a hand coming out of the monitor and slapping me about the face grabbing your julies.

Yeah

So I did.

I got on with some work.

Well done.

Well done, listeners.

Thanks, listeners.

You've helped Joe Cornball out.

Bye-bye.

Now, look, Joe, I'm just about to undertake an exciting drink-based experiment.

Now, you've got an imported European soft drink there.

It's one of those... They do a very tasty orange one, don't they?

They have that sort of drink.

I won't say the brand.

San Pellegrino?

Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't say it.

There are other European soft drinks available.

Um, but they're interesting because they've got a foil, a foil lid on them.

They've got a little foil lid.

They're like a conventional drinks can, but with a weird foil cap on the top.

Well, that's a, that's a freshness thing, isn't it?

It's a nice little nod to... I tell you what the tastiest one is.

What?

The, the mandarin one with the mandarin bits in it.

Well, I've never had, I've, I've had some of their drinks.

Sex of mandarin pulp.

What?

They pop on your tongue, they're delicious.

I thought you said something else.

Um, this one, this is a black can, and it says chino.

I've never seen it before, and it's all, everything else on it is in Italian.

So you don't know what flavour it is?

No idea.

It's probably licorice.

Bevi fior fiori del coro.

What does that mean, Italian listeners?

Does that mean licorice?

I'm gonna taste it right now.

Unseen.

This is amazing.

This is incredible radio, isn't it?

Incredible.

We're gonna win some kind of amazing prize.

We might win another laughter.

I hope it's not licorice because I hate licorice.

Oh my goodness.

Let's have a go.

What does it taste like?

I have got no idea what that taste.

That tastes like the dark heart of Satan himself.

What the heck is that taste?

Oh, boy.

Do you know what that is?

I think it's... Aniseed, isn't it?

It's not even aniseed.

There's a drink that my dad always used to have when he had a hangover called Fernie Branca.

Making it sound like my dad was always hungover, he wasn't.

But on the very rare occasion that he'd had too much to drink, he would have this stuff called Fernie Branca, which tastes like that.

And it's disgusting.

I mean, it's like a digestif, I think they call them, you know?

It settles your stomach a little bit.

But that is rankolocious.

My lord, maybe someone who knows can tell me what exactly I've just drunk.

I'm gonna finish the can though right because I'm crazy Like that now here's a bit more music.

Um, this is this is a classic from the primitives.

Were you a big primitives fan show?

Nope

Well, you gotta like this one.

This is a primitives classic called crash.

Okay, that must have been used in a lot of films.

Wouldn't you say?

Possibly.

Yeah, it's the kind of track that might not you know punch through if it was used in a film Big it just be good sitting in the background.

I'm not being rude about it.

I think it would punch too I'm sure it has been used.

Yeah, I would say in fun animated features Shrek almost certainly really in a joyful montage.

Yeah.

Shrek juggling little green babies.

That's right.

Having a mud bath.

Shrek.

I want to go and watch it now.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

I want to never watch Shrek ever again.

Hey, that is the wonderful dream basket.

Is it?

Of comfort for a lot of children.

Is it?

And very backward people.

It's my least favourite of the child friendly franchises.

So you didn't

like it in I Am Legend when Will Smith started reciting large sections of it.

No, I thought that was really peculiar.

As if it was like the greatest film ever made and why would anyone not know large sections of Shrek off my heart.

I kind of agree with you, but children do love it.

And they do.

You know, there's something... I mean, what about the funny... Children love most things, don't they?

The funny... The donkey's good and the cat's quite good.

Yeah.

The rest of it.

Not having it?

No.

What about Mike Myers' funny Scottish accent?

No.

Not having it?

No.

Umm, I finally got to see the love guru the other day.

Right.

My eyes.

That's a very peculiar concoction, isn't it?

Yes.

I mean, people must have been excited to be in it, like when he- because there's a few celebrity cameos.

Lots.

And when he asked those celebrities to come into his party,

They must have been exciting.

Oh, Mike Myers.

I love Mike Myers.

Timberlake.

Timberlark.

And he gets in there.

No one comes out of it unscathed.

Timberlake's all right, I think.

You reckon?

Yeah.

He doesn't disgrace himself completely.

Val Kilmer.

Slightly.

That's a shame, isn't it?

Yeah.

And there's loads of, like, American celebrities who you would, like, in England, you would have no clue.

Yeah.

And jokes that pivot around them that you just can't understand.

No clue whatsoever.

And it's peculiarly arrogant.

Don't you think to, like, stick those kind of things in?

Because you wouldn't be allowed to do... Do you reckon you'd be allowed to...

course you'd be allowed to do it anywhere in the world, wouldn't you?

Just put in whatever you want in your film.

But it seems like a strange thing to do if he wants it to have transatlantic appeal.

Well, usually they get some sort of British celebrity to replace it, don't they?

Like Jonathan Roth, right?

Let's get Mike Myers on the phone.

Okay, can we get Mike Myers on the phone, please?

He's probably around.

Almost certainly having him on the phone within the next half hour.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 9.30.

It's time for the news.

Miss Dynamite then.

Nice to hear that again.

Dynamite-y.

Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

I just popped out Joe Cornish for a little glass of water.

Nice refreshing.

Refleshing.

Yeah.

Nice put a bit of flesh back on my bones, which I so badly need.

And the water cooler was empty, right?

So I thought, right, I'm gonna, I'm gonna change the cylinder on the water cooler.

Something which I've never done before.

Have you ever done that?

Errr, I think I have, yeah, I think I have.

Is it a punch through seal?

Well, I didn't know.

Right, so I just pulled the big blue cap off.

Right.

And the water started glubbing out all over the floor.

Well, if you do that then it's difficult to invert it and fasten it into the thing without all the water coming out on the floor.

So I decided.

No, listen, I thought what there was going to be was underneath the plastic cap, there was going to be another seal, right?

And then you would pop it on and you would get Soul Classics covered by seal.

But instead, I pulled the blue cap off and it just, you know, because the cylinder was lying on its side there and it just started glupping out all over the BBC six music.

Good work.

Now the hub is all wet.

Damp hub.

Not the first time the hub's been damp.

No, with excitement, usually.

It's rock-based.

Who was in the hub this week, James?

Now who put you on the spot there?

Hey, listen.

Talking of live music, I went to a gig a couple of weeks ago, right?

Wow.

My favourite soul man, Rafael Sadiq, at the Jaskat cafe, right?

Oh, he was so good.

Did you stand at the front and go, I love you, Rafael!

I didn't.

If I was shorter, I would.

But I'd be so conspicuous as a tall man at the front and I'd block everyone's views.

Views?

Yeah.

Political views.

But anyway, he had a very cool looking band.

You know, they were urban types.

Were they wearing t-shirts and jeans?

No, they were wearing black suits.

It was a kind of Motown style gig.

They were wearing amazingly natty black suits.

But before they came on, the first thing to say is he took ages to come on.

And that's a discussion point.

You know, bands seem to think the later they come on, the cooler they are.

Or the more whipped up the crowd will be, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

So if you go at the time it says on the ticket, you can expect to have a couple of hours to wait.

Depends on the band.

I mean, most bands are pretty business-like.

Are they?

I would say so.

Really?

Maybe not at the jazz cafe.

Right.

Usually you call the venue, right?

And you say, excuse me, what time are the band actually coming on?

And they go, well, 9.30, even though it's advertised for 7.

Right.

Sadiq didn't come on until about 10.15.

What?

So some people had been waiting for three and a quarter hours, which was fine.

I mean, he's amazingly good.

So he can do that kind of thing.

But before he came on, there were people wandering onto the stage and everyone was so desperate for some action, they started sort of cheering when a roadie came out.

Right.

comes out.

That often happens, doesn't it?

People get desperate.

There's an atmosphere of sort of hallucination and delusion and everything, anything that happens on the stage creates a ripple of excitement.

Any lighting change?

Yeah.

So out onto the stage comes this lank-haired young man who looks like one of Gorky's psychotic monkeys.

Monkeys?

Yeah.

I've got to get my rock monkeys confused these days.

wearing kind of very skinny jeans with very lank hair, looking a bit mopey.

A bit like the actor who plays Steve Coogan's son in Saxondale.

Right.

You know that kid?

I know the guy you meet.

Didn't look like he could have anything to do with Raphael Sadiq's band.

He looked like he was a sort of cammed and pub crawling sort of a guy.

A little indie kid.

So people were sort of applauding him sarcastically when he was plugging things in.

Sarcastic applause.

Like clapping.

Get on with the show.

Anyway, when Sadiq eventually comes on, uh, who comes down the stairs and picks up the bass?

Robert Downey Jr.

But that kid.

Oh!

Turns out he's Sadiq's bassist.

No.

Yeah.

Groovy.

Completely not fitting in with the rest of the look of the band.

So everyone else had suits except for Indie Boy.

Not everyone, but most of them.

They were all big and look like they'd come from Atlanta, apart from this guy.

So that was kind of surprising.

And Rafael Sadiq's an amazing bass player.

He appears on the cover of Bass Player Monthly.

Does he?

Yeah.

I'm not sure whether that mag exists, but if it did, he would.

He's amazing.

So he wouldn't get any old.

Herbert, to play the bass for him.

Anyway, the fact that this kid's playing the bass disturbs some people in the audience.

Because he's incongruous, he doesn't seem to fit in.

So people start shouting and teasing him.

No.

Going, on the bass you're a man!

Like that.

What?

And he's taking this badly, he looks like a shy, nice, I mean he's amazing on the bass, obviously.

Because some of the bass lines are quite difficult, he's amazingly good.

People are teasing him and cajoling him.

That's outrageous.

I felt very sorry for him.

Yeah, that's almost sort of it was slightly inverse racism.

Yeah, yeah.

And anyway, eventually the band leave the concert ends.

And one of the things he does is he strips down the instruments as the concert ends, you know, he leaves the keyboardist leaves, leaving just drum and the horns, you know, so you just get the tracks stripped down.

And everyone was being applauded as they exited.

I was thinking, I wonder whether the poor lanky bassist is going to get applauded.

And he shyly exited the stage hiding behind one of the large trumpeters.

Oh, he did such a terrible gig.

That's such a terrible gig.

That is awful.

I felt so bad for him.

I wanted to go up to him and go, mate, mate, I liked you.

I think you're wicked.

Basis bullying.

You know, that's a shame because basists, in my experience, are invariably the most gregarious and interesting... Right.

They're hard-working as well.

They're the spine of the, you know, the rhythm.

They meld the rhythm and the melody together.

I love basists.

They're integral.

That's outrageous.

Anyway, just in the hoey, no one connected with that one.

If you were there at the Jazz Cafe at the Rafael Sadiq gig bullying that poor bassist.

Poor bassist.

Shame on you.

Racist bassist.

For shame the racist bassist bashers.

Can we get Ofcom involved somehow?

Yes, let's have the Jazz Cafe bought down.

Let's have Rafael Sadiq fired.

Let's have that bassist fired as well.

People power.

Let's do it.

Let's have some music.

Here's a classic from Echo and the Bunny Men right now.

This is Killing Moon.

There's Echo and the Bunnymen with the Killing Moon.

That's my mum's favourite Echo and the Bunnymen song.

Is that really true?

Yeah.

Does she like a lot of their work, or are you saying that's the one she can tolerate the most easily?

Would she voluntarily put that on?

Yeah.

Would she?

Yeah, she loves that one.

I put it on, I make her a compilation every Christmas, and I put that one on for her many years ago.

Mummy.

I like the one, the Killing Moon.

Oh, I like that.

Fate up against the wheel, through the thick end.

I like that one.

She likes the Bunnymen, she likes a bit of Van Morrison.

She likes, she always asks me, she has a few requests every year though that throw spanners in the works.

Could you put some Barbara Streisand on?

And I'm like, well, not unless I go and buy some Barbara Streisand and then put it on.

So I had to just go and buy some Streisand.

It's really good.

I bought some Streisand the other day.

Not CDs, I bought some Streisand films.

I wanted to see the film What's Up, Doc?

Uh-huh.

Peter Bogdanovich.

Enjoyable.

And it was only available, yeah, it's brilliant, but it was only available in the Streisand boxed set.

Right.

Yes, and now I've got a lot of other Barbastrithan films.

Is the mirror has two faces on there?

Uh, no.

Uh, do I like that one?

Uh, I think I like Prince of, is she in Prince of Tides?

Yeah.

I like that one.

That is a good one.

And funny girl, funny face, funny, what is it?

Is it funny girl that she's on?

I think we're like that.

I can't remember.

Anyway, there you go.

There's a little bit of fun facts about my mum.

But listen, Steven, we're going to talk about now.

If you're a regular listen to the show, you will know.

If you're a regular listen to the show, yeah, that's fine.

You'll know what I'm talking about.

If you're not, then you'll be confused.

But I don't know if we can be bothered to explain all this.

It's so laborious.

There's got to be a quick explanation.

I think there is.

We asked people ages ago to send in their bits of... It's too long.

Yeah, but that's because you interrupted.

And someone sent in a comic that they created when they were a youngster called Stephen!

Named after themselves with a fictional kind of ruffity-tuffity army man

Called Steven in in various battle situations, and we were just amused by the idea that it was called Steven Exclamation mark And we were speculating on the kind of things that he would get up to you see that was good That was really good, but we do need a more a better synopsis produces work on that you work on that work on a line not now It's great.

You're so keen, but not now Okay, here are some of the emails.

We've got in about Steven.

We've been asking people to shout the name out Yeah in public places to see if they get the reply

Just coming!

Yeah.

In the action franchise, named Stephen, that's the catchphrase.

Someone's in peril.

They shout, Stephen!

And Stephen goes, Just coming!

That's the idea.

So we've been asking you to shout it out and see whether anyone responds.

We've had emails from, here's the first one, Aidan Bradley.

He says, I've been a fan of the show since I joined the ever-growing ranks of Australians taking over London.

Uh, although now back in Australia for some time, I find that calling Stephen provides little to no result.

Partly because no one here is actually referred to as Stephen, it's always Steve, Steve-o, or Stegels.

Stegels, mate!

Stegels!

That can't be a real... No, I think that's the kind of thing Australia's... Oh, look at that, I've gone back into the accent!

Yeah.

Seamless, mate!

It's so entirely authentic, wouldn't you say?

That's a bit more Australian.

Usually you're a little bit more... No, mate, you've lost it there.

No, this is Australian.

This is New Zealand.

That's where you've made your mistake.

The New Zealanders just talk a little softer.

It's not just, mate.

The sibilants are harder.

Come on, I've carefully honed this over years of coaching and practice.

Anyway, so there we go.

Here's another one.

Ben Haley says, I thought I ought to let you know that at last week's Fleet Fox's gig at the Shepherd's Bush Empire, a lone voice from the right of the auditorium shouted, Steven!

During a short break between songs, singer Robin Pecknold looked utterly confused.

Not least because no other Fleet Foxes are called Stephen.

Robin was stopped in his tracks for a good 10 seconds.

He recovered to continue an excellent performance.

So we've already made Johnny from Radiohead hesitate during a performance, haven't we?

Yeah, he missed a couple of notes on a piano solo or something.

Because he was thinking of one of our song wars songs, right?

Or something like that.

And now we've ruined a Fleet Foxes gig.

Wow.

By someone shouting Steven.

We shouldn't encourage that though.

Otherwise non-listeners to the show might get angry.

Can you imagine if we got someone in a band to shout Steven?

and the people in the crowd shouted back.

I mean, they wouldn't though.

I mean, what we're learning from these emails is the constituent doubt there is not enormous.

But we are getting one or two glimmers of responses.

Here's another email from Richard, maximum Bosch Wallop.

It's a triple-barrelled name.

In a past show you suggested shouting Stephen when your cinema advert came on.

And I've done just that.

The problem is I work as a projectionist in a 14-screen cinema which plays your advert 68 times a day.

So 68 times a day I go into the screen and scream it out but people think I have some sort of name-based Tourette's.

I fear I may be fired soon.

Have you tasted the new Revel's flavour it tastes like beef?

I have actually.

Here's another one from Michael Rose.

My colleagues have just completed interviews for a new member of our team.

Imagine the joy and mild impending doom and minor dread I felt when I found out the successful candidate's called Stephen!

He starts on December the 1st.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to address or refer to my new colleague without shouting or at least thinking, Stephen!

Worse yet, he's going to be sitting right next to me.

Oh, another one from Rachel.

Hi Adam and Jo.

I went to see Easy Virtue with my mum last week.

What's that?

Easy Virtue.

Oh, that's got some people in it.

Does it?

Is it a period film?

I think it is.

Must be.

It's the one with Firth in it, isn't it?

Right.

Okay.

Lady from the English patient.

Wow, that hasn't popped up on my radar.

Anyway, your advert was on when they saw it.

I immediately responded by shouting, Steven!

Unfortunately, no one responded because it was a Wednesday afternoon.

The cinema was full of pensioners who were not your key demographic.

My mum glared at me, but was quickly distracted by the text the nation song which made her laugh.

Oh, that's nice.

Isn't that nice?

That's good, yeah.

Kristin Scott Thomas is who I was reaching for there, she's in it.

Here's another good one.

It's hotting up now.

Lucy Jordan says, I was recently lucky enough to attend the London premiere of the Che Guevara by a pic... Che.

The outside of Leicester Square Odeon was packed with hundreds of autograph hunters who, upon the arrival of director Steven Soderbergh, who proceeded to shout, Steven!

In a bit to grab his attention.

This went on for a long time at varying pitches and frequencies and manifested as a wonderful Steven Concerto.

I totaled under my scarf.

So everyone was just shouting Stephen and there was one woman in the crowd having a sort of a fit.

Because it was so exciting.

That's from Lucy in London, that's brilliant.

Thank you Lucy.

At the Reading Festival this year, says Adam in Oxford, I took it upon myself to spend the weekend randomly shouting Stephen amongst the crowds.

I won't lie, hardly anyone said coming.

But as the weekend progressed, did I read this out last week?

No, okay.

As the weekend progressed, I did hear more and more people shouting, Stephen, including some of my friends.

Now, this may not be because they listened to the show.

The Reading Festival's notorious for its shouting, catchphrases spreading across the campsite.

Somebody walking in the opposite direction shouted, Coming, and we high-fived.

So he did have a success.

One night I was walking around the campsite and shouted Stephen, someone walking in the opposite direction shouted, coming and we high-fived.

It was the best day of my life.

Like that.

Shall we have some music before we continue the world of Stephen?

Overdose on Stephen, yeah.

This is one of your free plays right now.

This is a lovely wintery track.

Yeah, this is Aztec Camera with Walk Out to Winter.

Hello, the name's Moore, Roger Moore, and you are listening to Adam and Jo, or Jo and Adam.

That's Grace Jones there with William's Blood.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

She was on Telly last night being interviewed by Lauren.

Did you see that at all?

On The Culture Show.

Yes.

Yeah, I did see that.

Yeah, she seemed... She's aged, interestingly, hasn't she?

She's had some work done, surely.

Yeah, but she's... Well, she had some work done, I think, when she was younger and now... Talk about Lauren now, right?

Are we?

About Grace Jones, yeah.

Similar to Mickey Rourke.

When you have plastic surgery and you age, you age in a very peculiar way.

Because the seams are all different, aren't they?

And sort of flesh becomes fleshier, but it's kind of, sort of, it shows up where the slices have been done.

It's all popping out in weird places.

Don't you think?

It's quite a contemporary look.

It's really working for Mickey Rourke.

His new film's supposed to be a triumph.

The trailer popped up on the internet the other day.

Have you watched it yet?

It's called The Wrestler.

The trailer's really good.

Makes it look brilliant.

You know, amazing.

He's got an amazing face.

Yeah.

Amazing voice.

Where's this going?

Nowhere.

Just praise for the trailer of the wrestling.

I thought you were, yeah.

Because he's got a strange face, Rourke, I mean.

Yeah, but it's really working for him.

And I think, I tell you where this is going is that I think she should do some sort of female equivalent.

Wrestling film.

Yeah, she should not be ashamed of that face.

She should take advantage of it.

She's not ashamed though, is she?

I'm delighted.

You're ashamed for her.

And I shouldn't be.

I should be proud.

So last night, Joe Cornish, I went to an exciting club-stroke dinner event.

Right.

Right, run by a friend of ours.

And it was taking place in a very small kind of conference room, beautifully done up in this hotel, right?

And they transformed the entire room into an amazing kind of

Parisian boudoir type of thing, with plush velvet curtains and chandeliers, and it was all beautifully low-lit and everything, and there was lots of tables around, all very close together, with lots of big gangs of people on there who'd paid to come along, and be entertained by... No, there were no hoodies allowed in there.

It was a totally different kind of crowd.

And they were being paid apart from anything else to have a wonderful meal, but also to be paid.

Sorry, they had paid to have a wonderful meal and to listen to the sounds of a wonderful band.

But before all that, there was music playing, right?

As you go in there.

But it was like a very laid-back kind of groovy scene, nice ambience and stuff.

But the music was incredibly loud, right?

So you could really not hear yourself think, let alone speak to anybody.

And they had big PA speakers in this small space for the band later on, but the music was coming through these... Were they a bit too big?

They were pretty large.

I've overdone it.

And not only that, but the music was getting louder and louder as the room filled up, right?

Right, to combat the hubbub.

Yeah, until after a while, I just had to go over to our friend who was one of the organizers and say, music's very loud, like I can hardly hear.

And it was all kind of Latin kind of jazzy music, right, instrumental stuff.

But sort of quite obnoxious.

But really loud.

Wow.

Sounds like it's really loud.

Is there any way we can just turn it down?

He's like, oh yeah, I'll go and find the DJ.

Oh, I don't know where he is.

He's around somewhere.

DJs don't take kindly to that.

Well, that's a thing.

So I was like, well, if he's not around, I might just knit back there.

Fiddle with the knobs.

I'll have a little fiddle with his knobs, right?

So I had a quick scan around.

No sign of DJ.

Jump up on stage.

Have a little fiddle with his knobs.

And reduce the sound of that.

I didn't turn it right down.

Right.

Just subtly glided it.

I gave it a little nudge to an acceptable level of background musicosity.

Suddenly, I hear from the corner of the booth... Alright.

It's the DJ.

He's down there.

He's crouching.

He's

Oh, yeah, just turning it down a little bit, just a tiny bit.

Great music, by the way, though.

Nice.

Really good music.

Yeah, nice.

And slinked off.

And then, as far as I could tell, he rammed it right back up.

Yeah, because it's great music.

Who wouldn't want it really?

Really great music.

Not only that, but I think he increased the volume on the PA speaker that I was sat nearest to.

So for the rest of the dinner, I was absolutely stuffed.

There was no question of doing any talking or hearing anything that was going on whatsoever.

I mean, well, now he'll be sorry.

Because you've called him up on it on the program.

Yeah, but I mean, that's what DJs do, isn't it?

But why so loud?

You don't need to have it so loud.

You're quite right.

Don't you reckon?

Yeah, I don't understand that kind of thing.

You ever complain about the level of music in a restaurant all the time?

All the time.

I often ask people to turn it down here.

I'm not afraid of asking that kind of thing.

I like it.

And the angrier the person gets, the more I like it.

No, but that is annoying.

Especially Latin music.

It was good.

Genuinely it was great music.

But it's designed to enhance the atmosphere, not dominate it.

Exactly.

It's a skill to get it at the right level, isn't it?

Oh my lordy.

That's part of being a great DJ.

You want to set a mood.

Part of setting a mood sometimes is knowing when to keep it quiet.

Yeah, well, lucky everyone involved in the story is your friend.

Not anymore.

Here's a bit of music for you now, listeners.

This is Neon Neon with Dream Cars.

That's Neon Neon fronted by Gruffrice there with Dream Cars.

Very nice indeed.

Now, of course, the big British castle has been under attack this week.

Again, from angry landowners.

From absolutely furious landowners and tithe payers.

That's right, medieval mobs with sticks and flaming brands who are amongst other things.

I mean, the castle's been under attack from all sides, but one of the things that the tithe payers are furious about, the serfs are getting angry about, is John Sargent's departure from Strictly Come Dancing, of course.

You've been watching the show, right, Joe?

You love to dance.

You're strict about it.

I love it so much that I've actually never watched it in my entire life.

Have you never watched it?

No, I'm surprised.

No, I only watched it the once the other week when I was watching it with my family and they very much enjoyed it, I must say.

But people are absolutely furious about the fact that John Sargent left the show.

I mean, you're aware of this whole thing, right, Joe?

Sure.

Because they felt, well, half the world felt that he was not a suitable candidate for the dance show because he wasn't good enough.

so he should have been bunged off the show much earlier.

Sargent himself left because he was worried that he might actually win the program because of the, you know, voting, the perverse voting tastes of the public.

Then there's a whole load of people who are outraged because they voted for Sargent and now they feel that their money has been wasted on that phone vote and they should hire a lawyer and get the money back somehow.

Which, where would you stand on the whole matter?

What would your

What would your take on it be?

Because obviously you don't have one.

But if you were to have one... I respect everyone's actions in the matter.

I think if Sargent wanted to leave, that's his decision.

No one else is.

And that's fine.

I think if he'd stayed and he'd won, that would be fine.

It's about time the public's love for losers came back and bit it on the bottom.

Right.

So you would be on the side of the dance fans who want to see proper dancing in a dance competition.

No, I think I'm on the fan of democracy, of the majority.

On the side of democracy.

Yeah, if the majority want to see them in, then they can make their bed and sleep in it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

They should vote in a better way.

Well, people are absolutely frothing about it.

I get all my information about the public from the London Light newspaper.

Other free newspapers are available.

But in the letters section there, man, people are going mental.

This guy S. Perry from Halston says, what people are forgetting?

is that Strictly Come Dancing is a dance contest!

And John Sargent just can't dance!

Yes, he is entertaining, but after nine weeks, he should have been getting discernibly better, and he wasn't!

Dances much better than him lost out.

People, it's a dance show, not some kind of entertainment and popularity contest!

Are you shouting, is it in capitals?

Are those bits in capitals?

No, it says in brackets, shouting right the way through.

Underneath and they've got loads of letters from people who are absolutely Furious because they they think that people have missed the point this another one says this is from dance fan in London who is a you know She says it all dance fan of dance I and many of my friends who are great fans of strictly come dancing are so pleased that John Sargent has finally left He wasn't entertaining.

He was embarrassing He may be a nice guy, but he is a joke on the dance floor

brackets shouting at the end.

So, you know, do you know who I feel the most sorry for?

Who?

John Sargent.

Right.

Well, has he not lost all his authority now?

No.

I mean, he can't be taken seriously in any proper political context anymore, can he?

No.

I haven't even seen it and I'm embarrassed by anything.

Didn't he used to be quite a proper political journalist?

Still is, of course.

Is he?

Yeah.

Surely not.

Still got valid opinions, you can have a little fun on the side.

All those people doing stuff for children in need, those news readers, they're... Not every week for months and months.

Becoming a national kind of whipping person.

Yeah, I don't know.

Anyway, it reminded me the whole thing of a bit of a wonderful song by Gil Scott Herron.

Right.

Of course, which always makes me... which I like to listen to during any TV-based furore, just to get things in perspective.

So here's Gil Scott Herron with The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.

That's Martha and the Vandalas there with Love is Like a Heatwave.

from 1963.

So your accent there is the Australian one or the New Zealand?

That's the Australian one.

That's definitely Australian, yeah.

Is it?

That's broad Australian.

You know what your accent reminds me of?

What?

Is a clip from Lost that I had ages ago.

Because we used to be obsessed by bad accents.

Still are, mate.

Like years and years ago, we used to do a feature on the radio show we were doing at the time where we would wheel out bad accents.

And I replayed a couple of those clips the other day after you were doing your Australian accent.

And I found this one, this is from series two or three of Lost.

And it's a bit where Hurley, the big chap who's obsessed with numerology, goes out and talks to a lady, an Australian lady she's supposed to be, right, about a weird circumstance that occurred with some numbers.

Check out the mangolocity of this accent that they've got out of, I suppose, an American actor trying to do an Australian accent.

So, clip one, please, there, James.

Anyway, he told me about Sam hearing something.

You're talking about the numbers?

Yes, the numbers exactly.

Do you know anything about him?

Sam and Leonard were stationed at a listening post-monetary and long-wave transmissions out of the Pacific.

Boring job.

Nothing to do but listen to static, night after night.

Till one night, about 16 years ago, there's something in the static.

About 16 years ago.

That sounds absolutely correct to me, mate.

Do you want to hear another little slice of her in full Australian swing there?

Couple of days later, we're at the fair in Calgary and some wally there's got this jar.

Must have been big as a pony.

And it's filled to the rim with beans.

Phil is offering 50 grand to anyone able to guess how many beans are in that jar within tin.

M used the numbers.

Yip.

The answer was exact to the bean.

To the bean.

Must have been big as a pony.

No mate, that's very authentic.

Yeah.

Wally is a commonly used word.

Pony is a unit of currency in Australia and beans in a jar are what we use instead of small coins.

In Australia.

Yip.

That's interesting.

Yip.

Now you know what?

We've actually got on the line

and a expert on accents.

This is a gentleman, his name is Matt, and he is like an accent coach.

Matt, are you on the line there?

Yes, I am.

And what you do for a living is to coach actors and staff to hone their accents, is that right?

That's right, yeah.

And, you know, you could do a wide variety of accents, I would think, right?

Yeah.

And Australian, that must be a fairly common one, surely.

Yeah, it's a very common one.

Well, I don't get many clients that want it, but I have had a couple, but it's

It's one that I do, basically.

Yeah.

So, Matt, if I wanted to get into the same business as you, accent coaching, obviously my strongest accent is the Australian accent.

Right.

Do you think there's any areas that I need to polish?

I mean, I know it's pretty strong, but... Well, no, it's not strong enough, I'd say.

Sorry, Matt.

Can I finish, mate?

Yeah, okay.

Can I finish, mate?

He's got the attitude as well as the accent.

Exactly.

I've got nothing to say.

I just wanted to say, can I finish?

So Matt, what do you reckon?

First of all, whereabouts would you place that accent?

What in the world?

I'm asking Matt.

I know, but are you asking?

I just wondered how demeaning you're being.

I'd say you're doing a general Australian, but at the same time, it's not quite strong enough.

It's a little bit English.

Right, you think I should go heavier?

Well you should go heavier but you should go heavier in a more convincing way and you know it's just getting that I'm gonna talk to you in Australian accent so that you sort of get sound and it's getting the rhythm as well because like you know the clip that you played on lost it was like she was kind of trying to do it but she totally didn't have the rhythms or the intonations of the Australian accent that's all

You're going, you've got an upward inflection there at the end of your sentences, is that important?

Yeah, that's what they tend to do, you know.

And that's what they tend to do.

To what?

To do.

Yeah, kind of.

And it's just getting that sort of, if you like, sort of smooth curl in the words.

It's imagining a curl in the words.

Obviously they don't think about that, but... A rich curl.

Whereabouts would you say your accent was from?

Is that Queensland or Sydney?

It's sort of around Perth area.

So that's kind of sort of Kath and Kimmy, is it?

Yeah, yeah, you know, sort of a general one that you get on neighbours and that sort of thing, or you hear it and what was that film, that ABBA movie?

Yeah, Mamma Mia it was called.

Yeah, the other one.

It was called ABBA the Movie.

Listen, I know the one you mean, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

There you go.

I tell you what, Matt, as well as a very good Australian accent, I also... I don't know why you're laughing, mate.

I also do a really good... Joe is just about to unsheathe for you, Matt, his New Zealand accent, which he also does.

I also do a very good New Zealand accent, which is

A lot more breathy and quiet.

I can't do it now because I've got the giggles.

Come on, give me the word fish and chips in New Zealand.

Okay, shh, concentrate.

Fish and chips.

No, no, no.

Try again.

Okay, I'm, okay.

New Zealand, right.

Fash and chaps, isn't that?

Fash and chaps?

What's that?

I don't know what he did, it's happened.

Fash and chaps, that's the way they talk, you know, it's a slightly more clutched accent.

Yeah.

Would you say like you've got all these fancy pants ideas of getting it right and doing the right pronunciation?

Would you say that some people just naturally can do it?

Yeah, they can.

Would you say I'm one of those people?

I would say, no.

What would you say the difference between an Australian and a New Zealand accent was?

I have to say one thing, though.

You know, you've got the basic sound, so you're a lot better than some people.

You can form the sound of words.

That's what Matt's saying.

It's very impressive the way you can... Come on, he was fattering me.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep going.

So, you know, there are some actors out there that, you know, they can't.

At all.

They can't even recognise an American R in a word, like, you know, when you say word.

They can't copy that sound.

When you go to the movies and stuff, it must be enjoyable for you to watch certain actors manglerising various accents.

Yeah, it annoys me, yeah.

What are the ones that stick out for you?

Have you got any faves that you can tell us about?

I remember Demi Moore doing an English accent in a film called The Scarlet Left where it was dying.

Yes.

That was a big flopo, wasn't it?

Was that the bank robbery one?

No, no, it was a... it's a novel.

It's a famous novel.

She did a British accent in the bank robbery one as well with Michael Caine recently.

That's quite recent.

Yeah, she stopped.

How about my favourite one is Don Cheadle in the Oceans films?

Do you like that one?

I haven't seen that one.

Oh, you've got to see that as an accent coach.

He's the king of the mangarized Cockney accent.

They nosed it.

They nosed it right up.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

When the Americans do it, it's so odd.

They can't do it at all.

Well, Matt, mate, you need to get in there and really sort a lot of those accents out.

Maybe I can help you if you need to expand your practice.

I could certainly work for you.

I could just start with the Australian in the New Zealand ones as well.

OK, yeah, deal.

So just cut me in there and we can sort that out.

Just before you go, though, Matt, like on the flip side, I was going to ask you about some of the people who can do really good ones.

What do you think about someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, who people always say, her English accent is amazing.

And to me, she always sounds like the Queen.

She sounds like...

I think it's very good, but at the same time it's a little bit overdone right like when you're in when you're watching Shakespeare in love It's you know it's possible.

It's very good, but the thing is sometimes you get a bit too much of you know and Really, and it's too much now.

I don't like and then It just goes very nasal a lot of the time yes, and also she

Reni Zawiga does a very good one in Bridget Jones.

Yes.

But only ever, you know, sometimes she just goes a little bit over the top and it's a little bit too English.

I mean, I'm not complaining, they're pretty good.

They're almost as good as Joe's Australian accent.

Yeah, over the top is something I avoid.

I keep it nice and subtle and real.

Well, put it this way.

Your Australian accent is better than that one in last.

That was awful.

You're very kind, Matt.

Hey, thanks for joining us today.

No worries.

Cheers, Matt.

Take care.

Okay, bye.

Um, man, that was nice and, uh, not bad marks you got for your accent.

Not bad.

He was very kind.

We've got a few more accent clips that we might play you later on in the program, but right now it's just gone 10.30 and it's time for the news.

That's, uh, R.E.M.

with the end of the world.

What's that one called as we know it?

Yeah.

And I feel fine with that, isn't it?

I remember the video, isn't it?

Some kid on a skateboard in an old hut somewhere, just doing Ollie's for three minutes.

Gosh, I don't remember that.

I've got a memory of it, I think it was... Oh no, I'm doing it again.

It was on an old VHS tape I used to have.

Anyway, this is Adam and Joe on BBC6 Music.

We're gonna have a go at Text the Nation now.

Have we got the jingle ready?

Text the Nation!

Text!

Text the Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

So for Text the Nation this week, listeners, we'd like you to tell us about inanimate objects in your life that have taken on a character of their own.

And this is sort of growing out of the fact that a couple of years ago I went on the press tour for the film Hot Fuzz that both Adam and I were involved in, because I was writing with the director.

I went on their tour around America and I took with me

a big wheelie suitcase that was bright orange and for some reason seemed to exude character and it became known as Big Jaffa.

And Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, who I was with and Edgar Wright, took great delight in referring to Big Jaffa.

How's Big Jaffa?

Is Big Jaffa coming?

How's Big Jaffa today?

You know, we became the focus of a lot of chitchat.

We would be excited about seeing Big Jaffa, because there was a lot of flying involved between American cities.

Big Jaffa emerging onto the luggage carousel was a big moment.

Where's the Jaff?

How's the Jaff doing?

Has he bullied his way to the front?

He had a lot of charisma for a suitcase, you know.

Did you purchase the Jaffa originally or was it given to you?

No, it was my girlfriend's.

She let me use it.

And now Big Jaffa is a kind of a key feature of any trip I make.

And he's like a friend, like a very reliable, trustworthy friend who I would be bereft without.

on any international travelling trip.

And Simon Pegg said to me a couple of months ago, when he I think went on the press tour for how to lose friends and alienate people, that he started having flashes of Big Jaffa.

When he was standing at a carousel on his own, even though Big Jaffa was on the other side of the world, he would start thinking Big Jaffa might come.

down the carousel.

And he would text me from various cities saying, oh, I just was thinking about Big Jaffa.

And so I texted him back saying, you know, Big Jaffa is thinking about you as well, Simon.

And when he thinks about you, he cries tears of socks down the front of his face.

So Big Jaffa are obviously just a battered old briefcase, but he's become kind of an icon.

The exciting texts of the stars.

Exactly.

Now, Adam, you poo-poo this a little bit.

This isn't something that has a place in your life.

I'm not a person that names inanimate objects a lot.

I mean, there are kinds of people who, A, they've got nicknames for everybody.

They've got names for their cars.

You disdain this kind of behaviour.

I don't disdain it.

I love it.

I enjoy it.

Do you?

I envy those people who can engage in it.

Right.

Maybe that's part of the problem.

I have, for many years, I was bitter about the fact that I never really had a good nickname.

No one ever had a good nickname for me.

Dr. Buckles.

The Buxtonator.

Hey, recently, I've been getting nice nicknames.

And that's great in my advanced years to finally have one.

But as a youngster, I never did.

I was just known as Adam or Ads.

Some people would change the B in my surname to an F. But you're not an inanimate object.

And that would be it.

But no, I'm not an inanimate object.

No.

And you don't have anything in your life that you've, anything inanimate that you've named that way.

The only thing that we have ever named me and my wife was this kind of child's plastic bouncy thing that you sit them inside when they're not yet walking.

And they can sit there and it's a sort of entertainment system for toddlers, right?

It's all bright.

I know the one.

What's it called?

Well, we call it the Davros, because when they're sat in there, they look like a little wizened.

The Davros.

Oh, it's some freaky man.

Now, I'd say that was a label rather than an actual name.

What?

Because if you called it, say, Trevor.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Devil's is a name.

I guess so.

Yeah.

I guess so.

Yeah, fair enough.

But listeners, we want you to send in your equivalents.

Is there anything in your life like you, James, our producer, what have you got?

You've got a car.

Used to.

Used to have a called.

Called the Beast.

Yeah.

Was it an aggressive looking car?

I've got something called the Beast as well.

It was a mini.

There you go.

So text them in especially if you've got stories about how they came to be named or how they've played an important part in your life or whether you know sometimes you name these things and then something happens and the whole thing gets out of hand like like Big Jaffa.

So there you go, that's Text the Nation.

The text number is 64046.

Or you can email adamandjo.6music at bbc.co.uk.

How does your girlfriend feel about having Jaffa co-opted like that?

She loves it.

Right.

Yeah, she's a very giving, generous person.

And she loves it.

Man, you're lucky to have a girlfriend who buys crazy luggage.

I tell you what, when Nick Frost got married...

I was going to send him a thank you card for the wonderful wedding.

And so I made him a picture of Big Jaffa.

Right.

In a top hat.

And I think we've got that picture and it can go on our website.

So if you want to see the ludicrous extent that Big Jaffa has grown to, then have a look at that picture.

It's moving, I've seen it myself.

It's quite something.

Right, so that's Text the Nation.

Here's some more music for you listeners.

This is Modest Mouse with Float On.

He's got an eccentric vocal style.

The man from Modest Mouse.

That was Float On.

And this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

You know what I mean?

Windy Pops.

I'm having the Windy Pops.

Windy episode.

Now, Joe, you haven't been watching I'm a Celebrity, have you?

That's a correct statement, no.

What is your problem?

Because it's the same.

It's not the same.

I've been sort of following it from a distance by looking at pictures in the paper and I thought it was very sort of depressing that now all the chicks in it, can I use the word chicks?

Is that patronizing?

A little bit.

The ladies, the women in it.

rush under that shower in their bikinis in an attempt to copy the career path of the beautiful Mylene Klass, who did it in an atmosphere of beautiful biblical innocence.

And now all these scarlet hussies are running to display their wizened wares

in the shower hoping that they too will get an M&S campaign.

They're inflated assets.

You know what, I agree with you about that.

At those moments the show seems a little cynical and it's a shame.

But that's just a very small part of it.

the rest.

That's the tip, if we can say that, of the Shiesberg.

The tips of the icebergs.

Yeah.

But the rest of the show is a delight in many ways.

And you know, of course, I missed it last night because I was out at the incredibly loud background music club.

How frustrating.

But, so I don't know what happened, but the night before, they injected the David Van Day... Contestants with poison?

Well, almost.

They injected the David Van Day virus into the camp, and that, he just blew the whole thing to smithereens.

It was amazing.

You remember David Van Day, right?

Yeah, I have a dollar seven inch.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

From when I was a little kid.

No one needed to know that.

What was your favourite dollar song then?

Well, it would be that seven inch.

I don't know what it was.

Video tech?

I can't remember it.

Something to do with dreams?

No, it wasn't.

Handheld in black and white?

No.

Those are the only two dollar songs I can remember.

It was very sort of airy and flouncy.

They all were.

But then so was I. That was their style.

And then, in the intervening years, I think he ran a burger van, David Van Dae, something like that.

And now he's back.

And he is furious.

I mean, he's still got a few chips on his shoulder from the burger van or something.

But he went into the camp and he immediately started causing trouble.

But it was fun trouble, you know, really enjoyable trouble.

What kind of thing?

Well, he complained that the rest of the camp were outrageous for not giving up their luxury items in order to give him food on the first night when they were incarcerated a little way away from the main camp.

And so, instead of, like, taking it as a joke, which Timmy Mallett did incidentally, everyone expected Mallett to be the bad egg in the past.

But Mallett, he's behaved impeccably.

Has he?

Yeah, he's a charmer.

You see, I don't even know who's in it, so every time you mention these names...

It's a new revelation for me, Mallet.

Well, Mallet's going up against Kilroy Silk.

Can any of this behaviour, though, be authentic?

Yes.

And not premeditated?

No, you can see that the real, some of it is, like David Van Dae's outrageously hammy.

David, so he will have thought it through.

From the moment he got invited on the thing, he will have figured out a tactic, how he wanted to present his personality, how he was going to come across.

Absolutely.

The long game he was going to play, you know, he might start out evil and turn good, because all stories have

twists, reversals, don't they?

So it's best to start out in a way that you don't intend to finish.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't think his master plan is that clearly worked out.

I think that you're right to the extent that he thinks maybe he'll play the pantomime villain a little bit.

But then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and he just has turned into a nutcase.

Because the first few times we saw him, he was really hamming it up and clearly thinking, oh, this jungle lark's going to be fine.

It's not a big problem.

Get a bit of TV exposure.

Get out of the burger van.

But no, it's all going, it's getting away from him, you know, because real emotions are suddenly aroused in the other camp members.

Esther Ranson starts crying.

The guy from Blue wants to take him out and lamp him.

Robert Kilroy Silk is up in everyone's face anyway, but he's too busy scrapping with Mallet.

I'm telling you, it's compelling stuff.

And in between, you've got Ant and Dec, who, I always say this every year when the show is on, but I can't help chuckling at their incredibly crap gags.

They always make me really giggle.

Is that wrong?

It's not wrong.

I'm happy you're happy.

Thank you very much.

Let's have some more music.

Now, this is your free choice, isn't it?

Yeah, this is Dorondo, who's a sort of slightly obscure soul singer from the 70s.

This is his 1973 single, Didn't I?

You know... Hello.

Let him finish.

Talk to myself.

They say to be successful in the rock and pop industry, you've got to have a distinctive voice that you recognise instantly.

He's got one there, wasn't he?

He's got one.

Follow Will.

Yeah, amazing.

What is it?

It's kind of adenoidal.

I don't know, it sounds like he's in a lot of pain.

Spiritual and physical pain.

It's quite cancorder-y, weirdly.

It's sort of like that.

Slightly, isn't it?

It's more like halfway down the throat.

And people.

Well, she's a big success.

And then it turns into Morrissey.

She was still singing Search for the Hero inside at the Olympics.

Yes.

They were in the year, wasn't she?

God, we need a new motivational song.

Hello.

I think Morrissey should do them, because he would not have to go far to make the transition into Heather Small.

You know, it sounds disgusting.

It's true, though, that that M People song has been used as Britain's sort of uplift the national anthem, basically, since Blair came into power.

Obama could use those.

Yes, we can.

He's got Bob the Builder on his side.

Of course he does.

With his Can You Fix It mantra.

Yeah, that's right.

But should we in Song Wars at some point write a new... Anthem.

Positive anthem.

Positive anthem for Britain.

Not a sort of positive pop album to uplift the nation.

We've got to figure out what we're going to do because we're having a little Song Wars break sabbatical.

Break at the moment.

But we've got to figure out what our next one's going to be.

So we've got, at some point, we have to do a song for those people who are getting married.

But that's not till next year, right?

No, early next year, I think.

If we're still here.

We haven't been fired by whoever, some regulatory body.

If we could also do more TV themes, I'm quite into doing more TV themes.

What was that?

I don't know, it was like a child, it was like a child.

I was doing Crithu Bank a little bit.

Really?

TV themes would be fun.

Positive song would be fun.

What we need is easiness, right?

TV themes was good because, you know, I just got the Antiques Roadshow theme and put a beat to it and Bob's your uncle.

Bob is your uncle.

So something like that, something where we have to make the Grazia one was good because we didn't have to write the lyrics.

I like TV things, man.

Let's do it.

Uncle Bobo.

You know?

Bob, your uncle.

That's a good idea.

Well, maybe.

I'm not committing to doing one for next week at this point.

Sure.

Why would you want to commit to anything?

Exactly.

When you do nothing.

You're a man who can't commit.

Just before we go to our top of our stab, can I just thank the people who texted and emailed in about this drink that I bought accidentally?

Chino.

An Italian deli.

It's called Chino.

An Italian Denny.

Hello, my name is Denny.

Hello, I'm Denny.

Would you like to buy the drink?

Can I recommend the Chino?

Ah, you sucka.

You bought the Chino.

Apparently.

A lot of people say it's delicious.

We've had lots of people emailing and saying it's the bee's knee.

Saul Budd says, Hi guys, Chino is made from chinotto, a small bitter orange, the same fruit used to make Campari.

That was the taste that I couldn't identify there.

Er, that is a really acquired taste, Campari.

I actually quite like it, says Saul, but knowing how it tasted, I was cracking up with laughter before you had tasted.

I could predict your reactions.

The worst thing about it is that despite tasting so bitter, it actually has more sugar than a can of full-fat coke.

No.

That's outrageous.

I don't want that.

That's an obscene amount of sugar.

Coke has something hideous, like, what, three tablespoons of sugar or something?

Yeah, why- That's not accurate information, I'm just misremembering it.

Why isn't Mark Thomas writing angry books about Gina?

I tell you that tinfoil though, someone made the good point that that's hygienic.

Absolutely.

Because if you sip out of a can that's just from a news agent, you don't know where the lid of that can's been.

It's like when straws first came in packages, remember?

Absolutely, yeah.

That was about 15 years ago or something.

Nice.

They used to do it in America, but not in England.

Then suddenly, in England, they started packaging the straws in Mickey Deeds.

Yeah, very good idea.

Finally, Nat says, Hi, Adam.

My Milanese friend strongly urged me to try Chino when I was working there in September.

She described it as a herbal drink, a bit like Campari.

I like that kind of thing, so I was tasting blind.

I love it!

Obviously that doesn't help you, but I'm pleased to know they're selling it over there.

Blah blah blah.

I also do the whole finishing a can when I've paid for it even if I don't like it thing, which I am currently doing with my china.

I'm determined to finish it.

I did it last week with Diet Cherry Coke.

The advertising of the cherry flavor element is very heavily disguised on the can.

I didn't notice the cherry element until it was too late.

You know, that's sometimes, personally, I like the cherry there.

I don't mind it.

I would certainly prefer it to the little devil oranges that they've got in this, you know, thing right now.

But maybe I'll develop a taste for it.

How about we go to the top of our... Because we can't.

It's four minutes past the top of the hour.

Well, let's just do like one for old times sake, for four minutes ago's sake.

It is the top of the apple that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and day.

That's the Rolling Stones with Get Off of My Clown.

It's all about Clown Envy and from the olden days.

Hope you enjoyed it.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

We were talking about accents earlier on.

We had a real voice accent coach on the line, Matt Simandl.

Thank you so much, Matt, for your expertise there.

He was advising Joe on how to improve his Australians.

Turned out he didn't need to give me much

The key thing you're not doing is rolling those O's, those open vowel sounds, doh, like that.

Yeah, I'm from an area of Australia where they don't do that.

Are you really?

It's a small area.

Little caves.

It's an area where I live.

I found some interesting accents in a film called Green Street.

Certainly, I'm well familiar with that one.

AKA Green Street Hooligans.

AKA Hooligans.

Are you familiar with that film?

Sure, I saw it ages ago.

It's got The Hobbit in it, hasn't it?

It's got Elijah Wood, The Hobbit in it.

And he plays an American youth.

who is involved in some kind of drug set up of which he is innocent and is banished from Harvard to Britain where he takes refuge with his sister who's moved to Britain and married a man who has connections to footy gangs.

Like the Chelsea Gooner gang or whatever it's called.

Stuff like that, you know, they're all fictional ones in the film obviously.

Well, they'd tell me that the Goonas aren't the same as Chelsea, okay?

I just don't want to know.

We don't know anything about football.

We should remind you before we launch into this.

It's a very exciting film.

It's got all sorts of horrible violence in it.

The moral of the film seems to be that football violence is good and important, and especially for men, it gives you a sort of toughness and manliness to deal with the world, because Elijah Wood comes to Britain, he gets involved in footy gangs,

And there are hilarious, uh, well, unintentionally hilarious scenes of, you know, the first time he goes to a footy match and the atmosphere and the first time he gets involved in violence.

And you can see the director said to him, uh, all right, Elijah, uh, we need you to play fascination, but also slight fear, but excitement and going with the flow.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

He's like a little bit worried, but also excited.

Exactly.

I will do it, thank you.

I can do that with my absolutely, amazingly enormous eyes.

Yes, I can do it.

And he gets, he's a karate black belt, so he gets involved in a fight and turns out to be one of the best fighters on the crew or on the team or whatever you call them.

Gets a bit of respect from the rest of it.

By the end of it, he's loving it.

You know, then there's, he's loving it.

And the end of the film is some track by some indie band and with loads of slow motion lamping.

Yeah.

In no way glorifying football violence.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

used under the same railway bridge where they shot football factory right I think it's possibly the same footage yeah but anyway so the moral is and then he goes back to Harvard finds the guy that set him up and got him thrown out and uses his newly learnt football thug skills to teach him a lesson to lamp him and then the film ends

Yeah, it's a pretty scuzzy proposition.

But anyway, it's got this actor called Charlie Hunnan, the kid that was in queer as folk and undeclared.

He's a young actor, but he's attempting to do a kind of, you know, North London or wherever it is.

We're going to get ourselves in trouble by misnaming the areas of London, isn't it?

East London, probably.

I don't really know.

He's going for the full Cockney.

Man, try and tell where he's trying to be from by listening to his accent.

So here is his attempt at a Cockney accent.

That's the point.

These boys don't know about your old man.

And if I was you, I'd keep it that way.

Another thing.

What you hearing here?

Stays near, right?

No blabbing to brother Steve, but how your day was when you said what?

What happens if football stays at football, right?

Yeah, alright.

Let's have some fun.

It's football day!

Sounds like the worst day of my life.

What's going on there?

I thought when I first saw it, I thought, well, he must be an American actor trying to do... I thought he was.

No, he's from Newcastle.

Oh.

That's what IMDB says.

If anyone out there can get to the bottom of this... What outbursts of football, stars of football.

Gets worse than that.

Can you understand what he's saying in the following clip?

I actually put that main leg through a phone box window the other day.

Anything?

He put something through a phone box window.

Actually, am I allowed to have a phone box window like that?

Let's have it one more time.

I actually put their main lad through a phone box window the other day.

No, nothing.

I actually put their main lad through a phone box window the other day.

Yeah, he's bragging about how tough he is.

Those are two of my motto's, you know.

Really?

You're always putting main lads through phone box windows.

The thing about telephone box windows is in the old telephone boxes, they're very narrow, aren't they?

Yeah, he must have bust through the wooden struts as well.

Right, right, right.

When he put the lads through.

He's a strong lad.

Sometimes when I put lads through phone boxes, you know, they'll go right through the bars and bend up the actual telephone unit.

How about this clip?

Listen to this.

Back in the major's day, Tommy's son was killed in a scrap.

After that, he went completely mental.

Lost the plot.

He sounds Japanese.

Yeah, completely mental.

Or at least a grotesque caricature of a Japanese person.

That's right.

That wasn't so bad, though.

At least that was decipherable English.

Yeah.

Or whatever you want to call it.

But it's weird.

I mean, he talks like that through the whole film.

And by the end, he just seems to sound Canadian.

Can we play the last clip?

You always said trusting lads is my problem, Bob.

Bob?

I trust lads too much.

Trust the yank too much.

Backstabbing me, teaming up with Tommy, Hetcher, to kill the major.

Who's Tommy Hatcher?

I don't know.

I like it in films when they list names with great import.

Tommy?

I don't know who they are.

Hatcher?

To kill the manager?

He just sounds like he's from America there, doesn't he?

I would just... Ah, one day I really am.

What's going on?

I would love to have a film with the main character.

I'd like to write a film when I get some time.

This is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to write a film and he's going to be the main character and right now I thought it's going to spay like that.

And it's going to just talk about wibwobs and things like that.

You like to smoke a couple of wibwobs with me?

And like things that are just mysterious and he's speaking a separate language.

Yeah.

Well, we wanted to do a film where everybody was a foreigner with a different accent, right?

Yeah.

So the British League would be played by an American and the American League would be played by a British person.

It's a fun experiment.

We cast the worst possible accents.

You know, my favorite accent, uh, of all time that I think I've played before on the radio, but I wouldn't mind playing again, is Clive from, uh, Frasier.

Right.

Do you remember that episode?

And it's Daphne's old boyfriend from the UK, or current boyfriend, I can't remember.

And he turns up, and I forget the name of the actor, but he is an American actor that plays him.

A good American actor as well.

But for whatever reason, I don't know what it is.

When they get on the set, do you think it's embarrassment from the director?

They just say, you know, is my ass okay?

Do you think it's good?

Is my coconut acid?

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine.

What are they thinking like?

They're thinking... I don't know.

You know, as someone who can do such a perfect Australian accent, I've got no idea what they're thinking.

Let's have a reminder of Clive from Frasier.

Hello.

Look at you.

You look wonderful.

Oh, go on.

I'll meet you.

Very pretty and warm.

Very pretty.

Very pretty and warm.

And there's one more cliff of him there, James.

What brings you to Seattle?

My undying love for you.

Damn, I meant to lead up to that.

Sorry.

No, it's all right.

Just a bit.

Abrupt.

Now how are you?

No nice place here, dear.

By the way, it is lovely.

Is that the, uh, Space Needle?

It is lovely.

Ah, that's proper old Mary Poppins stuff there.

That's right, it's Dick Van Dyke.

That's why maybe the Americans don't... They've just got an ear for that.

That's an eyelid.

Yes, they've just kind of got a fake construct.

Right, instead of British people, they're just thinking of Van Dyke all covered in soot.

Anyway, music time.

Let's have some Santa gold.

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

There's text-a-nation this week.

Listeners is all about inanimate objects that have taken on a name, or you've given them a name and they've taken on a life of their own.

Obviously there's quite a lot of conventional responses to this, quite a lot of, I don't mean to demean them in any way by saying they're conventional, but you know, the kind of thing you might expect is what I'm saying, like cars, lots of cars, Beverly from Glasgow says, they hired a car when they were on holiday in Gran Canaria, they called it Tonto,

which is Spanish for stupid, as the car was the smallest and cheapest available with an engine the size of a walnut.

And this email is illustrative of some of the benefits of naming an inanimate object, especially one that has a useful function and maybe, you know, starts to fail.

She says, that didn't stop us taking Tonto up into the mountains, which we realize was ironically a very stupid thing to do.

As Tonto struggled and strained to get to the top of the steep roads with hairpin bends and sheer cliff drops, myself and Tom would be shouting at the top of our voices, Come on Tonto, come on boy, you can do it, while we diced with death.

Needless to say, Tonto got us through, what a guy.

You know, Prince Charles, he talks to his plants.

Plants aren't inanimate objects, are they?

No one knows.

They're living, they're organic.

But you know, they don't really talk back or anything, do they?

Triffids, no.

Triffids don't talk, do they?

They just hurt you.

No, no, there's very few talking plants.

But Prince Charles talks to them, because what I'm saying is if you imbibe the object with a personality,

Maybe it actually... Yeah, imbue it, sorry, with a personality.

Maybe it'll actually help it work better.

Do you know what I mean?

You can encourage it.

Maybe somewhere inside its molecules it's actually responding.

Exactly.

Tonto did there.

There's another card.

But the ones I like best are the ones where people have named really very abstract things.

Here's one from Matt and Sarah.

With regard to attributing human characteristics to inanimate objects, we call our joint account Dave.

This has the convenient benefit of making us feel like we're not spending our own money.

For example, if we go out for a meal, the conversation frequently goes along the lines of, is Dave paying for this or is it coming out of our own money?

As soon as we know Dave is paying, it influences our choices of food and drink.

That's a good idea, yeah.

That is a good idea.

Here's a slightly worrying one from Casper in London.

in my head, of course, to sympathise behind right hand's back.

Not that right hand was bad, just more of a goody two-shoes.

Left hand was always the underdog.

Does that make sense?

Yours, Casper in London.

And not the Michael Caine one.

I don't think anyone as good as Michael Caine is in it.

No, do you remember the film The Hand?

The Hand, yeah, written by a Bolivar Stone, I believe.

Of course it was, yes.

Casper, you sound like a really special kind of a person.

It's when the left hand starts killing and the right hand isn't aware of it.

And it's when the alarm bell should go.

And it starts making excuses.

Yeah.

He deserved it.

Yes.

And it's coming.

And here's another quite weird one from Samuel in Manchester, who explains about a plant that they named.

But even though it's very good, it's not as interesting as the last paragraph which says,

Eric.

And this is what it has been called for many years.

The Eric.

Naming a room Eric.

Wow.

That could come up with some faintly obscene sounding lines being shouted around the house.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not, yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, keep them coming in and the weirder the better.

Yeah, we've had a few like that in.

I know what you mean.

It's a very easy thing to do, you know, to call.

I mean, we've had lots of emails in with people just calling things random, crazy names.

But the weirder they are, the better.

The more abstract, the better.

Or if there's a story or a way it's helped you.

I don't know.

Why would you call your wife Rosa?

Or Celia?

It's weird.

You've got a real block about this.

Why do I have it, Doctor?

I don't know.

Doctor Fisher-Vallag.

You were going on about how you didn't like pets as well.

Or you said, oh, pets the other day.

Maybe that's the same thing.

Well, I switch off when people start talking about pets.

Right.

And parents, you know.

Like, when there's a whole plot line in a TV drama about someone's mum coming to visit, I think, oh, no.

Like, Star Trek The Next Generation, whenever, er... You talk about killing animals a lot as well.

Whenever looks on a trot.

That's not true.

Sorry, I was going to let you wind you up.

It was the kitten that came to my door that you suggested stamping on.

I don't know.

It was just that.

I love animals.

They're wonderful as long as they stay a long way away from me.

Here you go.

Now I'm joking.

They're great and here is a free choice for you right now, listeners.

This is one of those bands that I miss very badly ever since they broke up.

– Haircut 100.

– Haircut 100 is one of them.

– No.

– This is the band Orbital, the duo, the masterful electronic duo.

The world is poorer without them producing electronic orbital albums.

And this is a track that features the vocal talents of Alison Goldfrapp.

It's called Nothing Left.

orbital with nothing left, uh, with Alison Goldfrap there.

Um, you know, uh, speaking of, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here later on, much of Ant and Dec's screen time is now devoted to them describing the, uh,

outlines the competition rules and guidelines for phone calls, you know what I mean?

And that is increasingly becoming a larger and larger part of TV watching now.

What really surprised me is that after all the scandals of people continuing to phone and the company producing the show taking the money and all that stuff, all they've done is just explain to people that they'll still be charged.

Right.

Right, they haven't put in any system in place just to stop taking the money.

They've just said, oh, and if you continue texting him, we will keep your money.

Yes.

That's not really good enough for Cornish, you reckon?

Well, maybe it's technically impossible to achieve a cut-off.

Yes, it is.

Switch it off.

You reckon?

Yeah.

Just switch it off.

Switch the machine off.

Yeah, but then it wouldn't make so much money.

Well, exactly.

What kind of value is that?

Calls from a BT landline will cost just £1, but calls from other lines will vary massively, and if you're phoning from a mobile, the charge will be unbelievably huge.

That's more like it.

Calls from outside the UK will be charged at a special mystery rate, and calls from Ireland and Scotland will not be listened to but still charged.

These are ideas I've got for, like, improving the conditions.

Calls may be recorded and played back for the amusement of groups of people.

That's a good idea.

Correct answers delivered in a dreary voice will not be counted.

Winners will be selected at random by a man.

Well, these are just ideas.

You don't have to take all of them up, right?

Right.

To be eligible entrance must be over 18.

Have a full UK driving licence and should be adventurous in bed.

How about this?

Yeah.

All calls are free.

Right.

Well, how about that?

Yeah.

Calls are free.

Yeah.

All profits from calls go to charity.

Right.

How about that?

Yes, because it's always some profits from the calls go to charity details available on the website.

You go on the website penny a penny and a pound P to some obscure charity.

Anyway, it's time now for the news here on BBC six music.

That's the lemon heads with their version of Mrs. Robinson.

And, uh, yeah, we heard in the news there that Orbital are reforming.

That was, we didn't know about that before we played that, uh, Orbital track there.

That's pretty amazing.

They've only split up, like, four years ago.

That's how you do it these days.

Is it?

Yeah, generate more excitement.

I mean, I'm not complaining.

I'm glad.

I'm delighted.

I can't wait to see them.

They're amazing.

But, uh, wow, that wasn't long.

Anyway, good.

Welcome back, Orbital.

Yeah.

Now, a little more Steven news, a couple of listeners have sent us in some clips of stuff where they found the word Steven said, you know, in a way that might make fans of the idea excited.

Here, look, we've got the original email that started the whole Steven thing off.

When I was fifth... This is from Steve Curran in Highbury.

The original Stephen.

So he's a S-T-E-V-E-N.

S-T-E-V-E.

Even though the... Well, carry on reading, because that would suggest something different.

When I was about five or six, I attempted to produce a series of action force inspired comic books, which I called Stephen with a P-H exclamation mark.

Naturally brackets, I was the hero.

I have a vivid memory of being halfway through the drawing of the title page for one edition,

When I was called into the next room to have my dinner, when I returned, I discovered that my step-older brother had made his own contribution to the page, completing the half-written title Step, S-T-E-P, with in poo.

Very clever, and I still haven't quite forgiven him.

That's no easy way to explain it.

Listeners, if you can think of a pithy way to explain this, do send it in as a sort of chunk of script for us and we'll read it.

Anyway, that was the email that inspired the whole Stephen thing.

And then after that, we were speculating on, you know, what the film was like.

It's happened again, isn't it?

So anyway, check out this first occurrence of a fantastic Stephen.

This was spotted by Hannah in a Radio 4 woman's hour radio play called A Taste for Death.

And this is very, very strong Stephening.

Have a listen to this.

Mr. Lampert, my lady.

Stephen!

Oh, please, don't stand up, lady.

I still owe you.

You mustn't.

Just coming.

That's what he wanted to say.

That's good, isn't it?

That's a good bit of Stephenage.

Absolutely.

Here's another one from Tom Doggart.

He has suggested this clip of an Alice Cooper song, and this is a very strong example of some sung Stephenage.

If we could find a Sting song where he sung Steven, then it would be Stungvenage.

What?

Anyway, if you spot any more exciting powerfully-emoted Stevens anywhere in the media sphere, you know, if you're really industrious, you could make a little MP3 of them and send us, send it to us, then we don't have to do anything, which is ideal.

That's what we're aiming for in our lives.

Sleep lack of effort.

Follow Steven Soderbergh around maybe, or Steven Fry, something like that.

Music now, here's Furious Kanye West with Jesus Walks.

So do I. I mean, that's uppermost in my thoughts.

The very talented Kanye West.

He's super good at rapping, wouldn't you say?

He thinks so.

Yeah, I think so as well.

Yeah.

I think he's really good.

I like a bit of arrogance in a pop star.

Certainly.

There's not enough of it around.

Not enough.

That's so untrue.

I agree.

That's the most untrue thing ever said.

Now, we were talking about the Antiques Roadshow, of course, last week when your wonderful Antiques Roadshow song

Quite rightly, one song was.

Oh, thank you very much.

And that's called Magnanimity, Joe.

Is it?

I don't know it.

No, I know.

It's a new word to me.

A new idea.

We had Fiona Bruce congratulating you.

And of course, that very weekend, they celebrated their first million pound valuation on the show.

Did you watch the programme in the end?

No, but I read about it.

Well, it was a little bit disappointing.

Not to disrespect the roadshow, right?

But they'd made a big hoo-ha.

I mean, perhaps it's unfair to say that they had made the hoo-ha, but they'd certainly circulated a press release about it and deliberately kept secret what the actual item was that got the million-quid valuation, right?

So that you would be compelled to tune in.

And I'm sure their ratings must have been through the roof with people curious to see what it was.

Because you would think… What were they there, James?

Ten million.

That's unprecedented.

Because you would think, you know, if you know anything about the show at all, the kind of format, that it would be some little old granny or whatever coming there with her special teapot and finding that it's worth a million quid.

That's what everyone was holding out for, right?

This dream come true scenario.

Instead, what you got

just tucked away in the middle of the show, no bells and whistles really, was this Anthony Gormley maquette presented by a member of the local council and it was valued for a million quid and that was it really.

It was obvious as soon as you saw it, it was like, oh well that's it.

They can't do that.

You can't just bring in something really valuable and pretend you've discovered it.

It's got to be a discovery, like it's got to be uncovered or like snuffled out or something.

Well it was sort of

It says, this was what was written in the papers.

The first million pound discovery unearthed on the BBC Antiques Roadshow was received last night as the final model for the sculpture Angel of the North.

The artwork by Anthony Gormley was brought into the show by a counsellor whose father worked in the coal mine on the site where the steel angel now stands.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It was used to persuade counsellors to commission the statue.

So, no, it wasn't really discovered.

Like, it's not as if he had it tucked away in the attic or whatnot.

What if you bought in a suitcase with a million pounds in it?

Well, this is what I was thinking.

It's like, you know, like a chest with duckets in it or whatever.

Yeah, just a million pound... I think the Antiques Roadshow have lied to the nation.

And I think Fiona Bruce should be sacked.

Off-com.

The program should be taken off.

Yeah.

What's the outrage about that?

Everyone's like, fixated on Sargent.

We don't think that, of course.

It's a brilliant show.

It should in fact be extended and Bruce should be given an Oscar and an OBE.

Off gone.

Melted together.

Into a hat.

With a solid gold top hat.

We're going to resolve text the nation shortly, but first here's another bit of sweet soul courtesy of Joe Cornish.

What?

Yeah, what is this?

Oh, this is some sweet Charles now I played a record by sweet Charles a few weeks ago and somebody kindly sent in Some factoids about him, which I've course don't now don't now have to hand nice

Yeah, very nice.

Couldn't even speak let alone present the facts.

But I think it was something to do with James Brown's backing band and he released an album of kind of soul covers of classic tracks and this is his cover and it's a great album and thank you for the person that sent the email.

Nicely semi-remembered.

Thanks mate.

Radio 2, here we come.

This is him Sweet Charles with Soul Man.

That's great, I reckon.

That's Sweet Charles with Soul Man.

It's almost like a half a cover of the Sam and Dave song, right?

Yeah, with that incredible funky, grindy, clunky rhythm track.

Yeah, very nice.

Yes.

Listen, we should wrap up Text the Nation.

We've really sort of run out of time on this, but thank you to everybody who's texted in their names for inanimate objects.

In particular, Dom and Rosie, who wrote that they went on their honeymoon to Cuba earlier this year.

where they found the chambermaids in all of the hotels had a massive fetish for anthropomorphizing inanimate objects.

And they've sent us a picture of the most extreme example which they found in their room after coming home one day, and there's sort of no way to describe it, but the cleaning staff had arranged their clothes on the clothes horse as if they were dressing a person, and that's disturbing enough, but then they've put some sort of a paper bag over the top and drawn a face on it.

position some golden shoes at its feet and it's it's a very disturbing picture that we will put up on the website where you can also see Big Jaffa in his top hat and I should flick through them I mean there's a there's a jacket called quilty isn't quilty the guy in who's a killer leader or isn't quilty yes yes you're right yes it's a sinister name yeah

There's a guy who just names everything.

Sorry, I should say Quilty is Mark.

Davies is responsible for that.

Tom Flintham has a chronic problem with naming his iPod e-boo.

His mobile phone's called Sunny.

His Nintendo DS is called Daniel Smith.

I Previously worked at HMV in Leicester where I named the wheels we used to move stock around wheels Mackenzie The ladder in the stock room was called Lord Bell Dre.

This is my It does I'm starting to agree with you that it has a slightly sinister undercurrent, but here's the most sinister of all Where is it?

Oh, no, I've lost it Phil

Hi, my name's Phil, and this is following on from the listener who talked to his left hand because he felt sorry for it.

This is from George Wade, much like listener Casper who felt sorry for his left hand, I used to feel sorry for the letter T.

for whatever reason I can't remember.

I used to think that the letter S was a bully and had pushed in front of poor TT, as I used to call it.

Sadly I grew up and realised, hey there's many more letters before S, so I turned my sights towards A and have hated it ever since.

George from Huddersfield.

George from Sesame Street, more like.

That's unbelievable.

I mean, I can sort of understand that that is an amazing snapshot of the way a child's mind works, but it's amazing that he can still remember that.

Thank you very much indeed for all your text.

He doesn't necessarily say he was a child.

We appreciate them very much indeed.

And that is more or less it

for our show this week.

Thank you so much for listening.

That'll be available later on tonight.

Of course, you can listen to the whole programme again, should you wish to do so, on the iPlayer, or just by clicking Listen again on the BBC website.

Liz Kershaw is coming up next, so stay tuned for that.

Anything to add, Joe Cornish?

No, just thanks to everybody for listening, and we'll see you at the same time next week, 9 till noon, here on BBC 6 Music.

Have a good week.

Bye.