big British castle.
It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.
There'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then
And what was that?
Well, that's a new rock band called Placebo.
Placebo?
Yeah, Placebo is a kind of an empty drug pill though.
Yeah, it's a sort of a stopgap measure.
So why would you call yourself after an empty drug pill if you're a band?
Well, it's provocative, it's making you think, you see.
And the lead singer's a sort of a lady man.
It's freaking me out.
A wilting, pale, slim lady man.
With dyed hair, the kind of chap who dives into a public swimming pool and there's a black cloud behind him.
Designed to confuse the squares.
Right.
Like you.
Where it's done the job.
The dad rockers.
Is that that's the that's the good placebo song though, isn't it?
Yeah, I mean Nancy boy.
We love we love that This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music.
Very nice to be with you.
The Sun is shining even though the world is crumbling Everything's fine here.
Yeah business as usual people don't seem to realize that the world's ended the chuckle markets are still doing well and
Yeah.
Trading.
Trading successfully.
Trading's up.
Chef prices are up on the chuckle market.
But we're happy to be resuming normal service listeners with the two of us in place.
Hey, that's true.
Hasn't been this way for a while.
It's been ages.
So we hope you feel that if you're a regular listener to the show.
What?
If you're a regular listener to the show, we hope you feel a free son of comfort like slipping your foot into an old shoe.
I thought you were going to say something else.
Nearly sounded revolting, didn't it?
To an old tramp.
To an old man.
Don't say it again though
There you go.
Well done.
Well done.
Well done.
Excellently avoided.
So yes, you know, we've got lots of good stuff for you listeners.
Things to talk about.
Have you got lots of things to talk about?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
We're going to be resolving song wars within the next hour.
We've got Text the Nation.
It says in Heat magazine.
I noticed in Heat magazine, which I bought this week because my wife was in hospital.
She gave birth to a baby woman.
And it was all, it all worked out, but it meant that while she was in agonising pain, I had to go out and buy her a stack of appalling mags.
Your wife relies on lady mags like other people would rely on vitamins or, you know, special pills.
That's women, man, not just my wife.
I've got her women.
They run on them.
She doesn't read them.
Does she not?
No.
Have you banned them?
No, she doesn't want to read them.
She does.
She does.
She's got a stash there.
somewhere like porn.
Like I'm not trying to belittle your lady, she's a very wonderful lady.
Yeah, yeah.
But she's better than that sort of thing.
That's what you think.
It's stashed there somewhere under her bed.
You think?
Yeah, definitely.
My lady's got a secret.
You think all women have to look at heat and, and grats here.
Left to their own devices?
Really?
Yes, that's what they do.
You're so sexist.
It's a little bit sexist, isn't it?
We should do an experiment where we leave some ladies in a room and hide some lady now.
Well that sounds... Do you remember like that experiment where they put a stud spray on one chair to see where the women would sit on it?
No.
Well I do.
I remember that one.
What's that experiment?
It's a famous one in my brain.
The stud spray experiment.
It's one that took place in my head in the 70s.
The stud spray project.
But you do the same thing and you just rub lady magazines on a chair.
And then see which one they sit down on.
Well, you know, that would be a good advert for Heat magazine.
I could imagine them doing an advert like that.
Anyway, the reason I mentioned it is I haven't seen Heat for a while and I noticed at the back that they mentioned this show in their listings, you know, in their sort of regular pick.
They list all the shows that you should listen to on a Saturday.
We get five red stars.
Finally!
They never used to give us five red stars.
We've never got anything more than four stars in our entire lives.
I'm reactivating my subscription.
Five red stars.
Us, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, and I think maybe Bermock O'Leary.
I'm suddenly interested in the cellulite of the stars again.
But anyway, they, you know, they summarise the show as being Adam and Jo.
A load of old... No, they say, with text-to-nation and song wars.
They're the nation's favourite features.
They're voted for by...
Heat magazine.
So we'll have those pictures.
And loaded magazines.
All the mags.
We've got to start being nice about mags.
Exactly.
We haven't heard back from Grazia, have we?
Well, we didn't exactly send them anything, apart from a couple of insults indirectly.
We didn't send the songs to them, did we?
We should send the songs to them.
Let's send the songs to them.
Well, I'm not sure.
That's a good idea.
I'm eyeing our staff.
OK, listen, let's play some music right now.
They look insulted by being called staff.
No one likes being called staff.
OK, here's Paul Weller.
Are you relieved, Joe?
What?
About Paul Weller arriving?
Yeah, thank gosh.
This is 22 Dreams.
Paul Weller.
Well, one.
With 22 Dreams, he's gone literally insane in that song.
He's gone mad, controlled madness.
That is an enjoyable racket, isn't it?
And well done, Paul Weller.
I still haven't applied myself correctly to that album, his new album.
It's apparently very good.
That's his new single.
It's a double A size.
On the other side is a track called Sea Spray.
It's released on the 3rd of November this year.
So that's exciting.
What do you do when you see spray?
What do I do when I see spray?
I can't think of the correct answer to that.
Thanks for even thinking about it.
It's all right.
It's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life.
Did you watch Jonathan Ross' programme last night?
Well, I did, yeah, but I don't like talking about him because I think it'll make people switch over to him.
Oh, come on.
He's a fact of life.
We need every listener we can get.
Well, he's, you know, he's not on yet, don't worry about it.
Isn't he?
No.
But it's an enjoyable TV assignation.
I did watch it, and the Colin Farrell interview was a revelation.
We have in the past been cruel to Colin Farrell.
Everyone's been cruel to Farrell.
Based on his resume, nothing personal, but just a feeling of frustration that Farrell maybe hasn't hit the heights that he could have in his movies.
But he came on the telly and he was nervous and articulate and vulnerable and human and furry and animal.
I mean, something must have been staring in your lines, even though you're a very heterosexual man.
You know what I thought?
I could see why everyone cast him.
I thought, wow, you meet that guy.
You just want to help him.
And be his friend.
And do things to him.
Well, I don't know, he's too hairy for me.
Really?
Not for me.
Too much hair.
Well, you're hairy as well, so all sorts of static would be created.
Sparks would fly.
If you got even a metre away from him.
Yeah.
But no, it was a sort of one of those career-defining interviews.
Do you remember when Russell Brand first went on Jonathan Ross and he... What, you think Colin Farrell's going to have a stand-up career?
Yeah, maybe.
I think maybe in a year or so we could maybe see Russell Brand.
Maybe get his own Channel 4 show.
Maybe see Colin Farrell hosting the MTV Awards is what I'm saying.
No, but you know what I'm saying?
Like he really came across well and I imagine he would have changed a lot of people's minds about him because I haven't seen him interviewed for ages and all I've seen of him is stuff on red carpets where he's burbling semi-coherently from the last few years when he was in his booze abyss, you know?
Yeah, it's changing things.
It's all changed for Farrell.
He's going to be getting the big roles.
He's going to be getting a Channel 4 series.
In Bruges.
In Bruges.
I love him, Bruges.
What's your problem?
I don't know.
There's something wrong in my head.
But it's exciting news for Farrell and exciting news for people who's
eyebrows actually join up.
His don't join, they're just very large.
No, but if you looked on the bottom ends of them, they actually, there was actually, you could trace a line of hair from the bottom of the eyebrows to the top of the beard.
Right.
So it was a complete circle of hair.
I see what you mean.
Like a line around his eyes and mouth.
The circle of hair.
The circle of fattle.
The hairy fattle circle.
His treasure trail.
His spatial treasure trail.
What a pot of gold would be at the end.
Anyway, great music coming up as well in the next hour.
We should have a bit more now.
This is a free choice from you, Adam.
Yes.
Many of my free choices pop up on my MP3 player when it's on shuffle and I'm surprised by how enjoyable the song is.
This was one such
And, you know, like, a thing that was very prevalent last year was a sort of middle-of-the-road easy listening sound in modern music.
I'm thinking of The Feeling, mainly.
And I just heard this song by Supertramp and thought, wow, you can't beat the original, though.
As wonderful as The Feeling are, this is the logical song.
I defy you not to be moved perhaps into another room by this one, by Supertramp.
That's Rylo Kiley with Portions for Foxes.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
You're not supposed to really feed foxes.
Really?
City foxes.
Isn't that true?
Because you're not supposed to get them dependent on... Drugs.
...human drugs.
Right, right, right.
You're not supposed to feed foxes drugs.
Who would feed a fox anyway?
Uh, you might, because they tiptoe into your garden, if you live in the city.
What, people putting sources of... hmm... fox food out?
Saucy food.
What?
Saucy thought of... Have you not seen the Mighty Boosh?
Did you not see the Mighty Boosh episode with the crack fox in it?
Uh, I must have done.
You must, I mean, you would remember.
It's amazing.
It's like one of the best episodes ever.
But do they feed it?
Well, he's already fed himself.
Right.
I mean, if you haven't seen the Crack Fox Mighty Boosh episode, your life's got a big hole in it.
But no, why would you feed a fox?
That seems insane.
Because sometimes they can seem thin.
Foxes make horrible sound.
Oh no, it's animal killing again.
They make the sound of a strangulated baby.
That's just awful, the sounds that foxes make.
Yeah, but think of the sounds you make.
Exactly, that's just awful.
That's not worse.
I just want to go out into the garden with an air gun and take you out.
Take me out suddenly?
Shut you up, take you to the RSPCA.
So quickly it shifts from don't feed foxes to I'm going to shoot you with an air gun.
In your garden!
To me, that's a perfectly normal switcheroo.
So don't take Rylo Carli's advice.
Don't give the foxes no portions.
Now, there's a new band in town.
There's four of them.
They've got a funny sense of humour.
Kick the song off there, James.
And they've been taking some crazy cakes.
And the result of the crazy cakes is this new sound, which is called Psycadilia.
Never catch on.
This is The Beatles with I Am The Warus, just in case you don't know.
So go on left and right, different sounds, crazy old stuff like from the radio and the TV and all that stuff and then mixing it in like a big bowl.
You wicked Beatles.
It's Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music and it's time now for the news read by Catherine Cracknell.
It's time for Song Wars.
Song Wars time before that you heard Brass Neck by Wedding Present.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music and we have Garth on the line.
Are you there?
How are you doing?
Very well.
How is everyone there?
Good.
Thank you Garth.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
I'm sitting in my bedroom.
I've just had a toasted crumpet.
Oh well, lovely.
Are you metaphorically speaking?
No, proper real crumpet.
A real crumpet?
With a bit of peanut butter on top.
Because I had some toasted crumpet last night.
So, this is exciting.
It's last week's Song Wars Radiohead thing with all the Radiohead stems.
I think Adam's just the rubbishness of my joke is resonating.
I'm imagining it now.
The idea was that Radiohead have posted that the stems, basically the elements of their new single online and everyone's been invited to remix it.
They should call them stem cells.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And Alan Garth, you did remix this while I was away.
Have you posted yours on the Radiohead website yet Garth?
No, I didn't know you could do that.
Yeah, that's the whole thing.
You're supposed to post them up there.
I posted mine a couple of days ago and I've got, and you garner votes, you see.
Oh, you'll get loads of votes.
I've got like 460 votes.
If you go onto my blog, listeners, Adam-Buckston.co.uk, you'll see a widget there which enables you to listen to my song wars, Reckon and Remix, and vote for it if you wish to.
But yeah, that's the whole deal, man.
You've got to upload your remix to Dead Airspace or Reckon and Remix.com or whatever it is.
I was so relieved to just have finished it, I thought, right, that's me done.
Get it up there, boy.
I guess that's my next job.
Joe has the envelope.
But that pales into insignificance, because is there a competition on the Radiohead website?
Is someone going to win?
Because they get votes, don't they?
When you plant your song on the Radiohead website, there's a little vote counter.
Yeah, I don't know what happens if you get the most votes.
Well, presumably there's going to be a winner there.
You get to shake hands with President York.
Really?
Possibly.
I don't know.
I've no idea.
Well, that competition pales into insignificance against this one, right?
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
Is it going to be Garth?
Just to remind you, listeners, Garth went... His remix was Tom York singing in the shower.
Mine was kind of imagining two editors in an editing suite arguing about music they were going to use.
And Joe has the results there.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Uh, no, the results.
Wow, look at that.
Adam, 65%.
Garth, 35%.
It was close, man.
That was pretty close.
Well, I think the best man won.
Thank you very much.
Well, comedically, I must say, I thought you had the edge there, Garth, but I can't pretend I'm sorry that you lost.
I was getting a bit paranoid about you coming on the show and winning each time with Song Wars.
Can I say just how pleasurable it was not to have to do it?
Just to listen to you guys doing it.
That was really lovely.
Well, Garth, thank you once again for all your efforts.
It's my pleasure.
I love doing it.
And I also have to thank Chris Hufford for sorting out all the legal stuff.
Radiohead's manager.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Chris.
So let's have a listen to the winning song.
What was this called, Adam?
This was called It's Very Hard to Clear Radiohead.
Hey, thanks, Garth.
See you soon.
And here's Adam's winning track.
Thanks, guys.
Cheers, Garth.
There's two men sat in an editing suite, working on a serious TV show, about cops on the beat, swearing in it.
And there's a scene where things get really heavy for a minute, shouting, crying, big decisions, people dying.
But it still needs one more element to beef up the meaning, or it might feel irrelevant.
So the editor says, we need a really nice bit of music, Les.
And Les, the director, says, I know.
I got a wicked album a week or two ago.
You know, the one by Radiohead.
If we put some on the end of the scene, it'll knock him dead, Fred.
That's the editor's name.
And Fred says, yeah, I was thinking the same.
But what about The Scientist by Coldplay?
And Les says, no flipping away, Jose.
Coldplay's flipping well yesterday.
And it's totally wrong for the scene, anyway.
Fred says, all right, Les.
You made yourself clear.
You don't want to use no Coldplay here.
How about a nice bit of Philip Glass?
Come on, Les, you flaming arse.
This isn't a science documentary.
You don't use glass on a TV drama.
I would have thought that was flipping elementary.
This bad drama car.
Come on, Les.
I'm not a Coldplay snob.
I just think this track would do the job really well when the strings all swell.
Yeah, and the cops are looking out at all the bad stuff and they're thinking, oh, why does this have to happen every week?
And I was thinking we could add a little scratching for a bit of street flavour.
Yeah?
Alright, maybe not.
It's not the BBC and it's very expensive.
No, no, no, no.
I don't know if you know.
But Tom's a big fan of the show, says Fred.
Les shakes his head.
He said the bandit's hype a few weeks ago.
Said they had it confused with a different show.
And if we want to use their music on any of the episodes, regardless of the content, the answer is going to be definitely no.
But there's some good news.
Aha said yes.
If you want, we could use...
It's the only thing that we can clear.
Why are you looking at me like that Fred?
There you go.
That is my winning Song Wars remix of Radiohead's Reckoner and a reminder of course that anyone can remix Reckoner.
All you have to do is download it from iTunes, the different stems, and you can have your own fun with it.
And I found out too late that once you've downloaded it from iTunes, you get the different stems.
They also give you GarageBand stems if you're using GarageBand.
So I could have had an even easier time of remixing it in GarageBand, but it was fun.
We're going to try and in the future at some point think of some sort of song or stem based activity.
Well, I was thinking about that.
The thing is that if we gave people the stems to I mean, they come from Garage Band anyway, so there's not much to anyone can remix our songs.
The only thing they need from from us is the vocal stems.
I suppose we could make those available.
If they're originally played riffs using the musical typing function, and they're just using a sound from GarageBand, that's original in a way, isn't it?
It's no more or less original than using a Roland synthesizer.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah But I know what you mean.
We it would have to be a particularly peculiar set of noises Yeah, I mean I was thinking maybe we could provide some vocals and we could invite listeners to do their own vocal Like there could be a gap in the vocals, right?
That's a good idea.
So it'd be like a famous, you know a duet or a What would you call it when three people sing a three yet is this?
A triptych I have no idea.
What is that?
What's it called when three people are singing if it's a duet?
A thringle song.
A throngle.
A throngle.
Yeah, we could post a throngle.
A trio?
Anyway, we'll think of something, but we're not promising anything.
It's just a trio.
We promised for Song Wars to do a song for somebody's first dance at their wedding, and I'm haunted by the fact that we might have missed the date.
What was that person called?
Well, we have a letter here.
It's from Emma and Niall, soon to be Mr and Mrs Shammah.
I think they say, dear Adam and Jo, we were amazed, chuffed and utterly pleased to hear you mention our email and request for help with the music for our wedding.
We're more than happy to abide by the rules set by you both to get our very own Adam and Jo original song.
You're both very welcome to attend our evening party, not the actual wedding.
Now, we made it clear that we didn't want to go to the wedding, I think.
Very welcome to attend our evening party and witness our first dance.
Should we be lucky enough to get your song created for us?
See the enclosed invitation.
And the date is, er, 28th of March, so we got ages.
Next year, that's alright.
Yeah, yeah.
So we don't have to get on that case too quickly.
Good.
Which is good.
Next week, I think we're gonna do spooky songs, right?
Yes.
So that the winning song will be played on Halloween.
Played on Halloween, yes.
Scary songs.
Songs that, what sort of an angle are we going for there?
Are we genuinely saying that we're gonna frighten people?
Yes, I think we should.
Disturb them.
Yeah, disturbing, creepy.
Unsettle them.
like either in a Marilyn Manson type way or... Right.
What about if I was able to secure the services of Scary Spice?
That would be terrifying.
Would that be... That would be pushing it too far.
I mean, would that still be within the rules of the competition?
It would be scary.
Yeah, no, it would.
It would be amazing.
Yeah.
It would be extraordinary.
I'm going to get on it.
We've got some more music for you now, listeners.
This is The Mighty Keen with The Lovers Are Losing.
That's Keen with The Lovers Are Losing.
They've gone 80s.
Well, they're stepping into Coldplay's shoes in the success stakes.
Do you know what I'm saying?
In the power songwriting stakes.
Is there room in those shoes there?
Well, I think Coldplay have slipped them off a little bit.
Really?
They're still selling records hand over fist.
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
But they're slightly more... I don't know.
In the sort of credible power rock stakes.
Do you mean?
I don't know.
I think maybe the Coldplay songs are a little bit more left field, maybe even.
you know like their tunes are a little more obscure and it's hard to put my finger on what I mean but I think what I mean is that Keen have unsheathed a massively powerful tune sword right they are a glaive yeah like in Kroll and they are wielding it it's called a glaive
I was impressed though.
When did you get a glaive from?
Everyone knows what a glaive is.
From the glaidell to the glaive.
What?
What are you talking about?
You remember the film Kroll?
Yes.
And he had a sort of throwing star thing.
Yeah.
That's called a glaive.
Really?
Yeah.
Isn't that just called a throwing star?
No, a glaive.
Okay.
How many times do I have to say it?
That Keem single's digitally released on the 13th of October.
Oh, the physical release is on the 20s of October.
That was Pierce Brosnan having a full physical release.
So listen, listeners, and Adam, this week I flopped down on the sofa at children's telly time.
Have a little rest.
Flicked on the telly.
Nice bit of hot crumpet.
Thank you.
I happened to see Blue Peter.
which has relaunched.
Have you seen Blue Peter recently?
Not for a long time.
Connie Huck in there still?
No, they've completely, and I suppose because of the problems Blue Peter had, they've decided they're going to bring in a new broom and make it seem different and unsullied by past problems.
So they've kind of reinvented it.
Right.
But in doing so, they seem to have, in my opinion, messed with the core of Blue Peter.
The essential elements of Blue Peter.
Don't touch the core.
What would you say the essential elements of Blue Peter?
Element one.
As we knew it in our childhood.
Sure.
Childhood.
Element one, some version of the hornpipe, or whatever it's called, that piece of music, played, the tune must be there, even if it's rendered in a modern style.
Well, that's all right.
It's still there.
It's rendered in a modern style, kind of like as a sort of crazy rhubarb and custard march kind of thing, but they've added splashing sounds.
What?
just splooshing splooshing splooshing splooshing blue peterships water I see splooshing of course just to make it crazier sure more gungy like a gunk tank exactly that's fine other essential element three engaging young presenters of various sexes and racial backgrounds
Yes.
They've got that as well.
It's doing well so far by your criteria.
Yeah.
I would like to see a gay presenter in there, like a very obviously flamboyantly gay presenter.
I think they've done that in the past.
That would be good.
Okay, so that's good.
What about elements like the infinite set?
the infinite set like it just being blue peter being a sort of empty bbc studio with the white psych as they call it along the back and then just some freestanding shelves of j and sofas right is that to you essential to blue peter certainly like a big blank empty negative play space in which anything can happen cooking building yeah it's got i'm glad you think that because that's gone oh hey
No, you want it to be like a pathetic version of the scene in The Matrix where all the gunshells pop up.
Yeah, that's true.
But it's not that anymore.
They've turned it into a sort of a funky bunker.
Oh no.
Yeah, with fashionable exposed brickwork.
Oh shut your mouth.
Yeah, some stairs that the presenters now run down.
at the beginning of the show.
In fact, one of the presenters ran down.
The other presenter was in the middle of doing things.
So it was like we were interrupting them during, you know, some fun time in the funky bunker.
It's like friends.
Yeah, very much so.
What other essential elements to Blue Peter?
Maybe the animals?
Certainly the animals.
The pets.
You've got to have pets roaming around there.
When I watched it, no sign of any pets.
What?
A dog wanders briefly through the corner of the shot at 10.25 minutes.
Well, that's a pet then.
Then at the very end the pets do come on, but they look strangely drugged They're not running you remember they always used to just run away in old-school.
It was temporary now.
They're suspiciously complicit Rolling on their backs cooperating Something odd just better trained dogs listen after the socks gate scandal They would never do anything bad to animals right the sofas become slumpy bean bags.
That's okay.
Is it yes come on granddad.
There's no garden
No garden?
Well, everyone just vandalises it.
They didn't make anything?
That's a disgrace!
They made nothing!
You've got to have a make!
That's the whole backbone of the Peter!
There was wacky science, but there was no making.
No cooking?
What?
No prezzies?
Here's an idea for your granny's birthday.
You can make this out of coat hangers and some rolls of toilet paper tube.
None of that.
I saw a set.
They had two VT packages.
One was a massive advert for Merlin, the kids series.
That's all right.
In another one, they sent a new presenter, Joel, who's a nice chap, to Alaska to kind of work with people who saved animals.
and they found a very sick American eagle and they got him to catch it and he made a really bad job of catching it.
He really scared it and then he tried to put it in a box and he scared it and then tried to get it out of the box and he gave up because he was too frightened and then it died of trauma.
What?
Yeah, the vet said, well, it's a 50% chance.
It's very frightened.
And then about two minutes later, it was, well, it's now gone down to 30.
It's having trouble breathing.
It's been really traumatized and freaked out.
And it went back to the studio and Joel looked in the camera and said, well, I'm sorry to tell you that the eagle died.
So they sent their presenter to Alaska, where he killed an American eagle.
That's amazing.
And you know what?
In the olden days, they would have spun the piece, surely to make it a little less downbeat.
Yeah, they would have just swapped the bird.
Swap the eagle?
Who would know?
And look, here's the eagle and it's fine.
But in the new accountability
times.
You can't pull the rug over the kiddie's eyes.
The eagle died and he killed it.
But the final indignity was that all through the whole programme there is a music bed.
No.
Now, a music bed of course means that there's a music track playing under everything they say and there used to be authoritative, calm silence.
in the background of Blue Peter, right?
Right.
Used to be sort of clipped, well-spoken voices.
Bit of jud, bit of purpose.
Yeah, not anymore.
Here is a clip from the new Blue Peter and listen to what's happening underneath the talking.
Hey you guys, come over here because I've got a trick that's gonna knock your socks off.
I can't wait to see this.
Wait till you see this.
What I want you to do is keep your eyes on that sachet of tomato sauce.
I'm not telling you what she's doing with that sachet of tomato sauce.
It's a VT package from Bangkok.
Is that literally right the way through, not just when they're teasing stuff?
Right the way through.
And if there's background noise in the room where you're listening to this, there is a rave track going on underneath all the Blue Peter links.
So I was thinking, what if you apply that logic backwards?
What if you applied that logic to some Janet Ellis and Peter Duncan era Blue Peter?
So I had a go.
Have a listen.
The Vandals then broke our lovely ornamental urn given to us by Mr. Taylor from Barnet.
They then smashed up our sundial and then callously threw it into the pond.
And if that wasn't enough, they then trampled on the bedding plants as well.
Well, we hope to repair the damage and we may even be able to repair the ornamental urn, but it's very sad to think that a few people take such pleasure from harming their fellow human beings
That wouldn't work so well, would it?
Yes.
It would sound as if they were approving of the damage to the garden.
They should definitely do that.
You just convinced me that it's a very good idea to have... To have some panic-inducing rave.
Underneath everything.
It's only a matter of time before they have it under the news.
Do your kids need a rave track beneath anything just to engage their attention?
They get very lethargic, yeah, if there's not rave music playing.
They need those acid flashbacks just to keep them going over tea.
Absolutely.
Wow, I'm gonna watch Blue Peter now.
You know what?
I was being cynical about it, but at the end I thought it was actually pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Changing with the times.
That's what the BBC's all about.
Now, here's a bit of a trail.
Look, we got on this trail, James.
I'm excited.
Oh, it's a hub trail.
Who's playing in the hub?
Frank Black?
Very nice indeed.
That was Frank Black recorded live in the BBC 6 Music Hub.
When did that happen, Joe Cornish?
Well, let me have a think.
I think it was in May, I'd say about May 2005, by the sound of the acoustic resonance in the room.
That was atmospheric pressure measurements.
Right, the tuning as well, that's the kind of tuning he was using in 2005.
May, that's his May tuning.
Definitely lovely, very nice.
What a wonderful sound, as Jonathan Ross says.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
Joe, I'm pleased to tell you, we're going to play some more music now.
It's all about the music here at 6 Music, but I'm off to this.
I'm going to maybe tell you, or sometime in this hour, about Prince.
You know, I wasn't joking when I said I was going to get on the case and find out about Camille.
I found out about Camille as well.
Did you?
Yeah.
Well, maybe we'll swap our Camille facts.
Okay.
But right now, here's Toots and the Maytals with Maytals, Maytals, Maytals, models, with Take Me Home Country Roads.
Toots and the Maytals, yeah, don't worry man, I'm taking care of this one.
Relax.
Toots and the Maytals with Take Me... No, I'm panicking, I can't do it.
Take Me Home Country Roads.
It's okay man, everything's fine.
Don't ever do that again.
Oh look, I've got a... Oh, sorry.
I've got a thing.
I've got a thing.
I reset my iPhone this week, Joe.
I downloaded the new settings, the new version.
They wiped everything on there.
I mean, it did ask me.
There was a little dialog box that popped up saying, you're going to lose everything on your phone in a second.
Is that OK?
and off it all went!
No, gone, my photos are gone and all my settings are gone and all that old stuff was gone and it sort of replaced them with a load of things that it thinks are more helpful but I don't think so and now I've got to go back turning everything off and turning the stupid sounds off and reorganizing my...
uh life all right what are you gonna do about it just ignore the whole thing so listen camille prince right we were talking about this last week we were discussing the uh kind of rumor that prince did a album an album as a lady character and we've since discovered that it's completely true and i was being made a mockery of by suggesting that that album crystal ball was actually available
in the shops basically before Sign of the Times he became hugely prolific as I understand it.
And he almost released an album called Camille done in the character of Camille and then he turned it into three discs which were going to be released as crystal ball but the record company had some sort of a you know don't swamp the market style fit.
and selected certain tracks and released them as Sign of the Times.
But the Camille was going to be like an eight-track album and it had songs on it, most of which have turned up on subsequent Prince albums.
That's my understanding of the situation.
That sounds about right.
I got a nice email from Jason Draper.
Thanks, Jason.
He's actually written a book about Prince, which is available in America, not yet in the UK.
I think it's being released next March.
But he's out of Prince.
He's nice.
One day it will be.
And how ironic that day will be.
He says that Camille was this alter ego that he created having done Housequake, right?
Because he fired the revolution, his backing band in 1986, shelved the unreleased album by Prince and the Revolution called Dream Factory.
Wow.
and then recorded the song House Quake, later used on Sign of the Times of course, using the sped up vocal technique that he used in part on Let's Go Crazy B-side, Erotic City.
Yes, I've been to Erotic City.
It's amazing, isn't it?
It's just, there's a horrible stink in the streets.
And what comes out of the taps?
Don't answer.
So he had this alter-ego Camille with a speeded-up voice believed to be named after the 19th century French hermaphrodite, Herculean Barbain, who was nicknamed Camille.
The notorious French hermaphrodite.
That's right.
That French hermaphrodite is notorious.
Ma'am, I've French-amaphrodized in the room again!
Ma'am, not the notorious French-amaphrodite Herculean barbare!
It's all you!
That's Camille's speeded up voice.
Get out!
Get out!
Stop rubbing your non-specific bits all over the carpet.
Both your bits.
Your double bit set.
one at either end.
Not both at the same place.
That's what's so frightening.
Oh man.
He even planned a follow-up to the film Under the Cherry Moon.
Did you mention this last week?
No.
Around using the Camille character, right?
Where Prince would play both the evil Camille and the other character, a less evil Camille.
The denouement of the film would be that they were one and the same!
And Prince's character was schizophrenic.
Oh, well, I would have guessed that from the trailer.
I mean, what a film!
What a movie!
It's a shame that Under the Cherry Moon wasn't the big hit it was expected to be, otherwise we would have seen those projects realised.
Under the Cherry Moon's got a really good party with an elephant at it, and he dances on top of the piano.
What does he sing?
New position or something really good on top of the piano?
Then the end is amazing, the closing credits.
He does mountains over the closing credits.
Apart from that, it's rubbish.
Is that Kristen Scott Thomas in that film?
Possibly.
Someone like that, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm sure our listeners will tell us.
Is that due for reassessment?
No, no, no.
In 2024, it's due for reassessment.
That's the end of Prince News.
Time now for more music.
Is this your free choice?
Yeah, this is a political free choice because of course it's all going off in America.
There's going to be a civil war.
It's not going to be a civil war, but Obama's leading and it's all very exciting, and Palin's been exposed as a nutball this morning.
Not Michael Palin!
No, not Michael Palin.
Sarah Palin.
The insane nose-wrinkling, winking Republican vice-presidential candidate.
She's a hockey mom!
She certainly is.
What does that mean?
It's like Jerry Halliwell running for president.
Hey, that's a good idea.
I'm trying to get elected just on wrinkling her nose.
Well that, I would vote for her.
You would, wouldn't you?
She's got a winning peer.
Frightening times.
Anyway, this is Marvin Gaye's take on the election in 72, a not dissimilar social circumstance, right?
uh jerry hallowals running yeah exactly the spice girls at the top of the charts girl power uh and this is uh this is alternate version number two of marvin gaye's song you're the man text the nation text text text text the nation what if i don't want to text the nation but i'm using email is that a problem it doesn't matter
Yes, it's text the nation time.
Before that you heard Marvin Gaye from the deluxe edition of Let's Get It On.
He had some chipmunks there.
He had some speeded up stuff.
That was his period when he was getting very tooty and just lying on a sofa with an eight track or whatever and just layering the vocals and toying with speeding things up and stuff.
Good times.
Yeah, they were good times.
Getting their chipmunks out there, it's always a fun thing to do.
Alvin and the gang.
Yeah.
But now it's time for Text the Nation, and this week in Text the Nation, we're asking you for your customised fashion disasters.
Everybody goes through a point in life when they think that off-the-peg clothing bought from shops isn't quite individual enough.
and you decide you'll customize your clothing, maybe adjust the fit, maybe add some kind of design or badge, or maybe just take, you know, sartorial design into a new sort of authored personal area.
A unique look that you know no one else in the street will have.
Yes, something that expresses something indefinable about yourself.
and says, this is who I am.
I'm not just the man from Mr. Byright or whatever.
Yeah, I'm me.
And there's no one else like me.
Right.
This usually happens during the teenage years, when one's not sure of the boundaries of existence or acceptable behaviour.
You're testing the edges of the envelope.
And it happened for me a few times.
I once decided that I wanted a pair of swimming trunks, swimming shorts, like surf shorts.
Yeah.
And I couldn't find any with the material I wanted.
Like Bermuda shorts.
Yeah, so I must have been about 16 or 17.
So I went to John Lewis and bought some material.
I thought, right, I'm going to make my perfect pair of swimming shorts.
So you got some like flowery curtain material.
Got some flowery curtain material.
I thought, this is really good.
Why haven't I done this before?
And I took it home.
Is it because I don't know anything about sewing or making clothes?
I thought anything was possible, I thought I could do anything.
I thought there were no limits to my capabilities.
You'd been watching No Limits with Jonathan King?
Probably.
So then I bought a pair of swimming shorts that were the correct sort of fit and I took them apart to see what the different shapes were made out of.
Scientific, nice.
I traced round them on my new piece of material.
and I cut the bits out and I sewed them together by hand and I put them on they were slightly odd fitting and the seams didn't seem particularly strong enough so I did a bit of extra stitching and I thought excellent and I popped them in my baggage for a holiday I went on with a friend of ours in Corfu and I went in Corfu the first morning came I put on my homemade trunkies
When bounding into the sea, first of all the material wasn't waterproof in any way, or it wasn't, it was the wrong sort of material.
For swimming, so it clung to my new bile young body.
Very revealing fashion.
Secondly, the stitching really wasn't tough enough.
to put up with even small waves.
So they pretty much fell apart as soon as I went into the sea.
Just floated off you.
So it was one of the hardest exits.
What are those curtains doing there floating around?
What have you got those three pieces of carton material clinging to your naked, hairless adolescent torso, Joe?
Have you got any pictures at all?
No, luckily there were no cameras around, thank God.
But it was an ignoble exit from the water.
Nice.
Clinging onto my loins to keep the bits of material together.
Quickly wrapping my midriff in a towel.
Aged how old?
A bit too old.
Quite old.
Yeah, 16 or 17.
A bit too old.
But I wanted to make a swimming statement.
Top marks for effort then.
Yeah.
I mean, what was the material?
Was it so crazy that you just thought, it was just a nice paisley design, I think.
They already make pretty crazy beauty shorts, did you know that?
But I thought, why spend the money?
Why spend the money?
When you can do it yourself.
And you know, you're laughing at me in a mocking fashion there, Adam, but you've had your own problems, haven't you?
I don't know what you mean.
Maybe we'll, I'll tell people about my problems.
Well, so if you've got any homemade fashion problems that you've had, if you've had to, if you've ever tried to make yourself some clothes or, you know, ads, what's the word?
Customise your clothes?
64046, we'd like to hear your stories on text the nation.
64046 is the text number.
I'll share my fashion faux pas, stroke disasters with you after this track from
I love that band.
Santa Gold.
Oh, I hate that band.
This is Liz Arteist.
Very nice.
Santa Gold with LES Arteist.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music and we are talking for Text the Nation today about various kinds of fashion disasters that you've had because of your own ambition, I suppose.
Homemade fashion.
Homemade fashion, right, right, right.
My thing was, my look,
I was going for a kind of a fusion between talking heads, David Byrne in his big square suit on Stop Making Sense, and in my brain, some bits of punk.
And this is a look you wanted to create that you couldn't afford or felt wasn't represented in the shops.
Yeah it was it was a combination of the fact that my dad had all these old suits and dress shirts right he had like collarless shirts from the olden days so I would wear his suits which were much too big for me and then wear like a collarless shirt underneath and do it up to the top because I thought I looked a bit like David
Oh my goodness, and then my the way I would take that one step further right yeah, and really freak people's minds Was to make a long chain with some safety pins and pin them to my shoulders
like sort of Michael Jackson style epaulette kind of thing.
Correct.
But chains of safety pins, that's an age-old punk thing.
I don't know if the punks went for chains of safety so much.
You had split trousers.
That.
And you had a line of safety pins all the way down the seam.
I forgot.
So when your trousers split, you didn't sew them.
No.
You did it with loads and loads of safety pins.
All in a row.
And then just went about your business as if that was normal.
Without commenting or saying anything I completely forgotten about that I did I looked a bit like a sort of very pathetic posh version of Edward Scissorhands right wandering around there with all my Bondage look I guess because what had happened is that my ma had taken in my floppy school trousers, right and made them The requisite drain pipe they are narrowness Rupert Scissorhands
Yeah, and then when, you know, I couldn't get them on because they were so tight.
So I split them apart and then I did them with the safety pins there.
I'd totally forgotten about it.
But you thought it looked cool.
Yeah, I was convinced it looked cool.
Oh man, I'm going to need a little while to get over that now.
That's traumatic memory.
We want to hear about your fashion nightmares.
Or it can be a friend of yours if they've turned up with some kind of homemade disaster.
We'd like to hear about it.
6-4-0-4-6 is the text.
Here's a little free play for you right now.
This is broadcast with smell.
Oh, sorry.
Still smells well.
It still feels like tears is what I was trying to say.
The mighty broadcast.
Enjoy.
Nice.
Let's broadcast with still feels like tears.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
It's time for the news right now read by Catherine Kratnall with the music news read by Ruth Barnes.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Yes, Text the Nation this week, listeners, is all about your customised fashion disasters, homemade sartorial escapades that have gone wrong.
And we've been inundated with stuff, I'm just trying to sort through it here to find the most grievous ones.
Not sure I found the absolute
corkers yet.
I mean, you used to do things like, well, you were a big fan of badges and things like that.
Sure.
And painting.
You were the first person that I came across that actually used Tippex.
Well, I've told this story before, but don't laugh at me.
It was very advanced.
It was great.
I went to America on holiday when I was a teenager.
I saw Top Gun before anybody else.
I thought I'd bring the top.
I'd be the first to bring the Top Gun look to the UK.
Because I looked a bit like Tom Cruise.
He did.
He looked like a crossing, in fact, like a cross between Tom Cruise and the Ice Man.
Really?
What, Val Kilmer?
I can't remember.
Who was... No, it was the bloke from ER.
Yeah, I know the bloke you mean.
Anyway, so I bought a bomber jacket and I got some, I decided that badges, the badges available in the shops weren't good enough, the sewn-on patches weren't good enough, so I got some Tippex and painted badges on and it looked wicked.
Do you remember what the badges said?
Were they just things like US Air Force?
Well, it was, yeah, well, I knew the brush, the Tippex brush was a bit splotchy, so yeah, they were sort of vaguely sort of wings, you know, and things like that.
I remember you had a pointy hand on there, didn't you?
Sure, there were a lot of 80s symbols.
Yeah.
Was that the 80s even?
When was Topgum released?
That was the 80s, of course.
Yeah.
Anyway, so here is one that's come in from Allie in Norn Iron.
What does that mean?
Does that mean Northern Ireland?
Maybe, I don't know, Norn Iron.
Anyway, among my handcrafted fashion disasters, I went through a phase of buying secondhand shirts, then copying the lyrics of my favourite songs onto the back in fabric paint.
Good idea.
My pride and joy was my ex British Army's shirt, with the entire words to 99 Red Balloons written on it in pink.
In my 14-year-old wisdom, I was trying to be ironic.
Were you really?
Their irony didn't exist then, did it?
Not in the world of fashion and pop.
Well, that's a very dangerous gambit, though.
Painting all the lyrics on.
Have you ever done anything like that?
I'm trying to think.
I've certainly painted lyrics onto a few things, yeah.
I mean, it's a very tempting thing to do, isn't it?
Yeah.
To draw them on, I mean, you know, on your school bags and things like that.
But when you actually draw them onto your clothes, that's really stepping over some kind of... That's commitment.
Yeah.
Or at least you need commitment.
You need to be committed.
You need some commitment.
Here's one from Julian Bromley.
In 1989, when I was 16, I decided to customise a pair of men's 501s by splashing paint over them.
Whilst I'd intended to use red, yellow and blue, the only colours readily available in my dad's shed were peach, magnolia and burgundy.
and they were far too big round the waist, so I belted them in, which gave me the look of an ample bulge in the front groin.
Not an appealing look for a 16-year-old girl.
The overall effect was that I was wearing my dad's old painting trousers.
It's really hard to get that kind of thing right, isn't it?
And basically... Well, the trick is not to try.
The trick is not to try.
But the thing is, with fashion, it sort of depends on what you look like as well.
Like, you, Joe Cornish, as a young skinny reed pole man, you could have got away with quite a few things... Still can?
I couldn't have done, for example.
You know, I was too thin.
I was too thin and I didn't have the shoulders.
Right.
And I did have the spots.
That was the problem.
Here's one from Sean in Brighton that brings back memories.
Once, when I was about 16, I tried to put rips in my jeans.
I cut about 30 rips with a pair of scissors, making them entirely useless and even less fashionable.
Now you still see that.
In fact, it's coming back even maybe.
Some people have so many rips down the pair of jeans that it's almost like a sort of series of tube socks.
Do you know what I mean?
And then they're so ripped that there's fabric underneath.
Yes.
So that they don't get cold, which seems to sort of circumvent the point of the whole ripping exercise.
No, it's fashion eating itself in a very grotesque way.
Sometimes the bottom of the butt cheek is ripped as well, so the pants come right out.
And so does the bottom.
And the bottom comes all the way out.
Hello.
Hello, what a lovely day.
Look at me.
I'm a bottom.
Oh dear.
I'm bobbing out to say hello.
Here's one from Betsy.
Aged 15.
You alright?
I just like the idea of a talking bum like that.
Aged 15.
Black Doc Martens sprayed metallic purple.
Let's recap.
Black Doc Martens sprayed metallic purple with car retouch.
Hey, I did.
That brackets fumes nearly killed me and my little brother black chiffon skirt Wooly tights and my big brother's lumberjack shirt that I cut the collar off Tied at the waist ala daisy Duke with a ripped black t-shirt underneath nice.
We're not very says Betsy
I did the same thing.
I had some DMs and I wanted, basically what I wanted was patent leather DMs, you know, really shiny ones.
So what I did was just went out and got some black gloss car paint, sprayed them all up nice, very nice and shiny.
I was thinking, these are wicked.
First of all, had a disaster wandering around the house with, and didn't realize that they weren't properly dry.
The soles still had a little bit of paint on them.
Right.
So you were leaving.
footprint painting like car paint footprints on the carpet didn't go down well and then the other thing I didn't realize was that that car paint does not breathe in the same way that leather would know so I went out for a night out and I ended up stinking right a freak and my feet were all sweaty and I don't think it's good for you to put car paint on you know car paint
the operative word is car.
Right.
They don't tell you that, though, when you're growing up.
No, they don't.
They only tell you when they call it car paint.
That's when they tell you.
Here's one from Helen.
This is a good one, Helen.
Hi.
I once got an old pillowcase, cut a head hole, an arm hole to make a little sun top.
Completely shapeless, indeed it looked like I was wearing a pillowcase.
It's shop bought clothes all the way now.
Oh, that's a shame.
I bet you look nice in it.
What did she do with the little flap, you know, designed for keeping in the top of the pillow?
Well, that she could have kept things in it.
Pens and that.
What about a sort of, you know, nun style habitat?
Uh-huh.
On the top.
Habitat.
Mother Teresa style hat.
Anyway, keep your homemade fashion disasters coming in.
64046 is the text number.
The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.
They're already making me feel a lot better.
Absolutely.
Here's MGMT.
They're so hot right now.
This is Kids.
Kids by MGMT.
Hey, this is Adam and Jo.
It's a Saturday morning.
It's a nice one.
I think it's going to be a nice weekend, isn't it?
Yes, yes, it is.
Johnny Weatherpants?
Yeah.
And folks, you know, you could do worse this weekend than to go to the cinema.
And if you do, you might see a radio ad for our show, right?
Yeah, we recorded an advert that's supposed to go out.
In 60% of UK cinemas, we're not entirely sure that it's on yet though, are we?
I think it was started airing yesterday.
How do you know?
I got an email from Caroline and she informed me of that fact.
Well that's exciting.
So we're reaching out to you listeners.
If you go to the cinema this weekend, let us know if you hear a kind of condensed version of this show in the form of an advert.
I think what they do is they project a BBC logo and the lights are down in the cinema and then it's just audio.
Right.
And then... They did it with moils, I think, earlier in the year.
Very successful technique.
It went over massively well.
Yeah, very deep penetration, audience penetration.
More for moils.
For moils.
So now we're going to probably do less well.
But we'd be excited if anyone out there heard it.
Right?
I mean, that would be amazing.
Can you imagine?
Like going to the cinema... Going to the cinema alone would be amazing.
Yeah, you know, I hear they project these massive pictures and there's ants and they live in space.
Chimps in space?
No!
Space chimps?
Fly me to the moon, I thought was that.
Oh, that's flies, isn't it?
I don't know, mate.
Who's in the title, I suppose.
I'm not as in touch with children's films.
You know what, I never went to see chimps in space last week.
Very wise.
I haven't been a stupid mistake.
I know, I'm never... I hope I never will see chimps in space.
That might be very good, we shouldn't prejudge it.
Well... I tell you what I saw.
What did you see?
Gomorrah.
Gomorrah?
Mmm, it's about the Naples Mafia.
It was wicked.
Was it?
Yeah, it was.
Wasn't that excellent?
People you don't know.
Real people.
Not Colin Farrell.
It's really good.
Real people.
Gamora.
Julia Roberts.
2 hours 20 but it flies by.
Some superb killings.
Robert Downey Jr.
No.
What?
No stars.
I know it's confusing for you.
What's the point then?
The point is that it's more real.
You and McGregor?
Is he in it?
No, he's not in it.
Well, what do you do then for two hours?
You look at the real people doing the real things.
I don't know about that.
It's very good.
Charlie Borman, he must be in it.
He is in it.
Okay, he plays the lead.
Is this your free choice now?
Yeah, this is a band from the 80s and it's one of those 80s albums that holds up incredibly well.
Tropical Gangsters by Kukri other than the Coconuts.
It's true.
I know, I do love this album.
It holds up amazingly well.
I'm surprised though that you are that... I love it.
I love it.
I stand up for it.
This is, I think, the last track on the album, maybe or the penultimate.
This is No Fish Today.
Hooray!
Hooray.
This is the voice of the big, pretty castle.
It is the top of the hour.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I got so bored with the last hour.
Indeed.
It's Adam Buxton here with Joe Cornish, my man JC.
My man, and thank you the couple of people who've texted in to say they've seen our cinema advert.
Benji and Kaz in N4 say we saw your advert last night but we forgive you and we're still listening.
They didn't like it.
it's tricky you know we had to um we we wrote it ourselves you sort of came up with the idea it's a good it was very very good i think advert well it was hard to what do you put in like a one and a half minute ad
about a radio show like this, which is just formless, rambly, old, nutty.
Well, the listeners will find out if they end up going to the cinema and hearing it.
Yasmin in Sheffield says, Hi Adam and Joe, we went to see The Duchess at the cinema last night and saw your ad.
It went down very well.
Hey, that's what I want to hear.
That's more like it.
Who was that from?
Oh, that's from Yasmin.
I like Yasmin.
She's sexy.
She is very attractive.
And she went to see the Duchess.
You know, on the list of Yasmin's to-see list was Space Chimps or the Duchess.
And she thought, hmm, I think I'm going to see the Duchess.
Because Keira Knightley is pulling out the performance of her career from her acting bag.
And she was rewarded for her good judgment with the Adam and Jo Radio Cinema ad.
Yes.
Yes.
What a waste of talking and words that was.
Now, we're in the midst of text donation, ladies and gentlemen, and we are asking you to reminisce about your homemade fashion nightmares.
Yeah, and we've got some good ones, what I'm going to read out now.
Here is from one in Sean from Brighton.
That good sentence?
That was pretty good.
It went awry in the middle.
The meaning came across, didn't it?
Yeah.
Once, when I was about 16, I tried to put rips in my jeans.
I think I've read this before.
Sorry.
Get it together, JC!
I'm gonna read a different one.
Okay, this is an anonymous one.
Forget all that Shaun and Brighton business.
I once made a pair of underpants.
They could only accommodate two items, which meant there was always... Can I say nut?
Yeah, can I say knob?
Right, there was always a nut or a knob.
There was always a nut or a knob sticking out.
I gave them to a charity shop.
What, the nut or a knob?
Why would you make underpants?
I don't know, he or she is anonymous, they don't explain.
I think that's brilliant.
I mean, there's a brilliance to it.
But why do you make cheaper than buying them?
Who's going to see Underpants?
Exactly.
Underpants are not expensive.
It's cheaper than buying them?
What are you talking about?
What's he making them out of?
I don't know.
We need more.
We need the person's name.
We need more information.
We've got your phone number, so don't try and run away.
But please send us more information on that one.
What a day though, when you think I'm going to make some underpants today.
I think for Christmas we should make each other underpants.
That's a good idea.
And give some to each other.
They're too small.
They're too small.
Everything's sticking out.
I'm going to make some different ones now.
Tomorrow.
I'll do that tomorrow.
That would be good.
Next week I'm going to make some socks.
Here's one from Ash in Croydon, who I believe is a regular texter, but still I don't know the gender of Ash.
Maybe Ash is a robot.
Could possibly be a robot.
I once bought white jeans and got my mates to draw all over them.
I thought I was well cool until someone drew pee onto them.
What?
I still wore them.
How can you draw
Well, someone on clothes... Someone tinkelled on the trousers.
Is that what she's saying?
Maybe.
No, Drew.
I suppose Drew is sort of a stain.
I don't know what's going on there.
That's mysterious.
Maybe with a yellow marker or something?
You know what the upshot of this segment is?
What?
That I need to read through these texts more carefully.
That's the key, isn't it?
And select the good ones and just think about it a bit more.
You know, I did think that that's what you were doing.
I don't know why.
That's what was going wrong in the beginning.
Now listen, you can do a little bit more of your organisational stuff then during this track.
We are playing this a lot and I'm not complaining because this is a good track.
What is it?
M.I.A.
Ah, it is a good track.
Or I want a dope bang bang bang.
Is it a six music playlist track?
Yeah, we want people to pay attention to this, it's important.
Here we go, M.I.A.
with paper planes.
Yeah, MYA paper planes could have been written about the financial crisis in a way, couldn't it, Joe?
Yeah, the share prices.
The greed of the banks, the marketeers.
Funging to the ground like feeble paper planes.
Exactly.
Absolutely right.
Thank you.
I'm just going to think about that.
You're saving safe, Adam Buxton.
Ah, savings currently safe.
Currently safe, but who is safe?
Who is really safe?
Who is safe?
Who is really safe?
Exactly.
Except for a man who keeps his savings, foolishly, some would say, in a locked box.
You know?
Sales of safes have gone up.
Yeah, I mean, the guy who keeps cash under the bed is probably going to be having a little tickle-chuckle right now, isn't he?
At all the people who are saying, oh no, you should put that in a bank.
Do you think?
I mean, I don't know.
I'm gonna get all my savings out in cash.
In a briefcase.
That would be quite fun to do, wouldn't it?
Do you think a lot of people would do that?
In a Tashay briefcase.
That's gonna make things worse though, man, if you do that.
I know that.
That's a run on the banks.
You don't want to do that.
No.
Anyway, we don't want to talk about this kind of rubbish, do we?
I do.
Do you?
How much do you understand about it or everything?
Do you really?
No, you never.
What?
Ask me something.
Surely it's, tell me if I'm wrong, surely when people are saying like, oh, there's chaos in the banks, the bailouts not working, surely the reason the bailout is not working is because of the rotten marketeers, all the suits on the floors, right, who are not, they're sending the, you know, they're doing their crazy random selling and panic buying or whatever.
and they're not getting behind all the bailout plans, it comes down to all the jackasses and all the city boys.
Am I right?
Yeah, to a degree.
Yeah, you're right.
Thanks.
I tell you what, watch the film Trading Places.
That'll tell you all you need to know.
Okay, thank you very much.
I tell you what I don't understand.
Pork bellies.
What's pork bellies?
OK, clear something up for me.
This is on a completely different tangent.
Go ahead.
In a film, if there's a gun fight, person A and person B are having an argument.
Right.
Person A pulls a gun on person B. Yes.
Right?
Person B thinks, right, I'm done.
Yeah.
But then person C turns up behind person A and holds a gun to person A's head.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Sure.
At which point person A, because there's a gun to their head,
always goes, oh, he throws the gun down.
Not always.
Not always.
Now, but this is a logic.
I was watching the new Indiana Jones movie again on the weekend, and there's a similar sequence there.
When Jones, he's got a gun, it's pointed at evil Cate Blanchett, and all the Russians have all got their guns on him, and he just goes, drop the guns.
And they do it.
They drop their guns.
But then Ray Winston turns up next to Indy, and he's got a gun pointed at Indy.
Right.
But what's the logic there?
Why do you drop your gun?
Do you see what I'm getting at?
Yeah, because they drop the gun because they value their own lives more than... But that doesn't exactly make sense.
It's as if there's a logic of, okay, whoever draws the gun soonest.
have control of the situation, whereas the mounting guns being pulled just mean that everyone's gonna die, rather than just one person.
Like the logic in- do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah.
The logic in Indiana Jones is he's got his gun trained on Kate Blanchett.
Yeah.
So he's saying, right, you shoot me before your bullets get to me, my bullet might have got to Kate Blanchett, and you love her, and you don't want to risk her dying, right?
Yeah, but I mean, that's never going to happen.
It's never going to happen, is it?
No.
Everyone will just shoot at once and they'll all die.
Well, no, they won't, because if Ray Winston wants to shoot Indy in the head, he's going to shoot him immediately, so Indy knows.
Yeah, but what if Indy shoots Kate Blanchard in the head?
It's not going to happen, because he'll be dead from the Ray Winston bullet.
He just does it now, first, before Winston does it.
Why would he suddenly do that?
Because he'd do it and run away.
No.
What are you talking about?
Winston then will shoot him as he's running away.
Right.
Right.
He hadn't thought this through.
I still think there's a problem with it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well, listen, man, when you get in that situation... Fine.
Let's find out.
If any listeners out there would like to pull a gun on Joe in a dark alley... No, I'm joking.
I'm talking about in feature films and pretend scenarios.
Yeah.
Now, I think it's the proximity of the gun, and if someone's got a gun to your head, then you sort of... Oh, the close of the gun, because the bullet has to travel less distance.
Well, yeah, in a way.
It still doesn't make sense to me.
I don't understand it, so he's not having it.
No, I'm a bit thick.
Hey, I'm a bit thick too.
Cool, let's do a show together.
Quickly.
Okay, now I've got a free choice for you listeners.
This is OMD, and this is a strange one from OMD.
I mean, this is late period OMD, I think.
but they went through lots of different phases and they were always amazingly creative and unusual and this track Meljis, if I can use that made-up word, different types of electronic sounds and then it's got a little pastoral interlude with some flutes in there.
There's all kinds of crazy things going on and I'm playing it in the hope that my mum might enjoy it because she listens to our show but she doesn't like a lot of the indie music and I thought maybe this would be a compromise.
This is Talking Loud and Clear by OMD.
Wowser.
You know, that gets better and better, if you ask me.
Yeah.
I really like that song, and I can't wait to see it at the beginning of the movie.
When's the movie come out again?
Early November.
Early November.
So soon.
A few weeks.
Another Way to Die by Jack White.
Now, on and totally unrelated.
And Alicia.
And Alicia Keys.
Lovely Alicia.
Sorry about that.
Bob Dylan fancies Alicia Keys, isn't he?
Who doesn't?
Yeah, the tortoise... I was thinking about Alicia Keys!
Yeah, who wouldn't fancy her?
She's attractive!
How old is she now?
15?
12.
12 still, that's nice.
I was watching this programme by accident earlier in the week on Channel 4.
It's called The Family.
Yes.
And I was very confused and immediately had an argument with my wife about it.
because it seemed to me that it couldn't possibly be real.
If you haven't seen it, folks, it's a fly-on-the-wall documentary in the style of... Well, there was a seminal 70s documentary called The Family, which was pretty much... That's the same name.
The Granddaddy of... Yeah, I know, but I'm trying to make some... You did the emphasis differently.
Yeah.
The Family.
The Family worked.
The Famili.
The Family.
I don't know.
Anyway, it's obviously some kind of a throwback to that, or it's, you know, a modern version of the same kind of thing.
The 70s version of The Family was supposed to be one of the first ever Fly on the Wall documentaries.
And this one is like a fly on the wall for the noughties, big brother meets documentaries in that style.
But is it real?
It doesn't seem real to me.
It seems like ludicrously staged.
They've got all cameras around the house, right?
They've got all cameras around the house, right?
cameras all modern life, filming stuff and all that.
They're painted the same colour as the wallpaper behind them though, the cameras, in an attempt to blend them in.
Do you know anything about the show Jo?
Well I've watched it, I started, I've been away obviously so I'm missing a lot of telly but it's one of the first things I've watched from beginning to end since getting back from America and I enjoyed it immensely.
And it's a family from, whereabouts are they from Jo?
England.
Somewhere in Britain.
Somewhere in Britain.
In a house in Britain, I don't know where but they've got a peculiar sideways sort of a house.
But they seem like a nice bunch.
And they're a kind of middle-class family, you know, average British family.
Yeah, very, very average.
They're not like... Nothing particularly eccentric or different about them, no.
No.
But I thought it was very well done, well cut.
And do you reckon it's all real?
Yeah.
Well, you can't tell these days because it's like Big Brother itself.
Every year it goes by, the contestants become more aware of the rituals and the way the show plays to the outside world.
So is there any such thing as authentic behaviour in front of a camera anymore?
Do you know?
Well, they all say people who go on those shows that you forget after a while, you know?
And because the cameras aren't actually visible, so the self-consciousness that you experience the first few days just dissipates after a while.
Well, I'd say there's an element of performance in all human relations, Adam.
Oh, that's amazingly brilliant.
See, there's a brilliant horror film called Calvert that's all about that.
But the fact that husbands and wives,
performing to each other a lot of the time.
A dad or a mum will perform to their child.
You know, when you're on your own in a room, sometimes it can be a bit lonely and confusing because there's no one to perform to.
Do you know what I mean?
Certainly.
So maybe there's a bit of that anyway in the family.
That's why I've got a little cardboard friend that I carry around with me called Michael.
Hello, Michael.
Anyway, that's by the by.
But it's not true, I don't.
Sorry, it would be fine if you did.
I don't!
It'd be fine if you did.
But I was thinking that it just seems unbelievable still.
The thing I can't get my head round with these shows is why would you do it?
Obviously, the answer is for the money, right?
How much money are they getting paid, you think, to do a show like that?
A lot.
I mean, you would think a massive amount, wouldn't you?
A massive amount.
But is it worth it?
I mean, once you've signed that deal with the TV company and Satan, then your life is going to be irrevocably torpedoed, isn't it?
They're big stars now.
That's a shame.
Yeah, they're gonna be big celebs.
They'll be in Heat Mag, you see?
Right.
They'll be doing the Christmas Heat Mag, dressing as celebrities or something.
Yeah, yeah.
They'll go on chat shows.
It's a win-win situation, and I think you're just jealous that the Buxton household isn't rigged with cameras.
Oh, that's true.
What kind of stuff would we pick up if we did that?
That's true.
Me talking to Michael.
Okay, folks, here's a bit of music now before the news.
This is Noah and the Whale with Shape of My Heart.
Yay!
I thought you were going to say something there, Joe.
No, that was Noah and the Whale with What Shape of My Heart?
Is it called?
Yeah.
This is Adam and Joe on BBC6 Music.
It's time for the news and the music news.
The news read by Catherine Crackfox, we're calling her now, and Ruth Barnes.
Primal scream with country girl.
Joe wasn't so sure about that one.
Well, I just won't say anything.
Not a fan of the screamers.
Well, sometimes, you know, you get a band and you think, well, if it was someone else singing on that in a different style, it would just sound like fairground attraction or something like that.
If Eddie Reeder was belting it out.
That would have been a possible fairground attraction or a Danny Minogue song.
Don't you think?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I don't really know about that sort of thing.
I don't fancy your chances if you meet Bobby Gillespie in a dark alley now.
That's how he speaks.
Is it?
He's from Scotland, you know.
Hey, happy birthday to Raymond Moore.
We don't usually say happy birthday to anybody, but Raymond's a big fan and he's always on my Myspace and your blog and stuff.
LL Cool Ray, his name is.
Oh yeah.
Who's got to say happy birthday to him?
He's proven his dedication to the show, so we make an exception.
He's nine years old.
lovely nine-year-old.
Happy ninth birthday, Ray.
So listen, listeners, and Adam, I was in a bookshop, right?
Have you ever been in a bookshop?
What are they like?
Must hurt your brain to go into such a place.
They're full of kind of compendiums of information.
You can get coffee there, though, right?
Coded information, yeah, and browse them, sir.
Good, good.
I was, you've confused me now, yeah, I was in a bookshop and I was looking at the Mighty Boosh Christmas book.
Oh yeah.
All the comedy Christmas books are trickling onto the shelves because Christmas is but two weeks away now.
Get the lights up.
True.
And the Mighty Boosh comedy book looked very good.
It was very thick, like 1299, but very beautifully produced, glossy hardback number.
But flicking through it, and I'm not being nasty about the Boosh at all, God forbid.
I hope not.
because we did a very slim comedy book years and years ago that wasn't in no way as lavish as The Bouches and we're guilty of what I'm about to talk about.
But in comedy books in particular, there seems to be, people who design them seem to try lots of techniques just to fill a page.
Do you know what I mean?
You've got to make it seem value for money.
The people writing it are probably quite busy.
So it's important to get as many, squeeze as many pages as you can.
Well, the classic format for the comedy book is the scrapbook.
The Monty Python scrapbox.
So, you know, the Papa Bach was the Monty Python.
Right.
There you go.
But the scrapbook format, I'm saying... Yes.
the way, the easiest way to address all the issues.
You can put a few pages of script in there, a couple of photos from the set, a few little doilies with ideas written on them.
Well the Boosh book has limitless photos of the Bob Fossil character posing by a VW van.
Yeah.
And just, it's like they've got a photographer and they've just gone around London
and taken pictures of him in different positions.
And there's one per page.
That's when you're in love with Fossil.
We did that.
Too much is never enough.
When we did our book, they said, well, we should have a photo shoot as well and think of as many things as possible to do.
Right?
So we did a guide to dancing, just any old rubbish we could think of that would fill a page.
We didn't do a whole page with just one photograph.
No.
With someone pointing.
We never stooped that less.
Which does pop up in comedy books every now and again.
The Boosh has quite a few of those.
The Fast Showbook was a little bit like that, I remember.
What are other techniques people use?
I mean, the Bush have got quite a clever one, which is they've got comedy blackberry messages, but they've printed the whole blackberry.
So there are three messages of about four or five lines each, very funny ones, but they're surrounded by an actual massive picture of a blackberry phone.
and they're at jaunty angles.
But you need it though to sell the joke, you know what I mean?
Otherwise, you couldn't just have like a little thing in a corner saying, imagine these on a blackberry with the lines printed on them.
Well, you wouldn't obviously do that, but there would be other ways to present them.
I don't think they would.
But that's a clever one, isn't it?
Because it's justified.
But at the same time, 12 lines, a page.
But having said all that, you do get the benefit.
Both Julian and Knoll are unusually talented artists in one way or another.
Like, particularly Knoll.
I think Knoll's a lot more into his mate.
Didn't they already have an art book, though?
Have they?
Has he?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Or maybe this is the way to get your hands on some of their painting.
You know the mother, the daddy, the king of all those books is the League of Gentlemen one.
Right.
Their big book was just beautiful and I know they put a huge amount of effort into that.
That's well worth having.
Another key thing they have in those books is a mini book inside the book, right?
Right.
Is that something that Monty Python innovated, perhaps?
Maybe.
But to have smaller pages bound within the bigger pages for it to be like a weird sort of subtext.
Yeah, I think everyone who does a comedy book says to their publisher, you know, we want it to be like the Monty Python books, don't they?
I mean, you'd be insane if you didn't, because they were never bettered, really, were they?
I wanted to just put script in ours.
Yeah, I mean that's the attempt to be but what kind of scripts would you get from our very good ones that I wrote?
Well, you know, I couldn't believe that they published whole books full of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's radio rambles.
I mean, that was that was unbelievable.
I thought, well, they're on the national syllabus now.
Yeah, quite right.
You have to study them for GCSE.
I mean, I'm not saying that their radio rambles were not enjoyable.
They were highly enjoyable.
I love their podcasts.
Why doesn't someone publish a book of our radio rambles?
Because they're not insane, is why.
No, but they are insane.
Oh, I see.
And people out there are insane.
Maybe we'll make some loony money.
What am I thinking?
They are insane.
The loony market.
That I'll buy anything market.
It's huge.
Exploit the loonies.
Um, no, we're okay.
We've got our sellout ads and stuff anyway, so we're fine.
How about a little bit of Stranglers?
Do you fancy this one?
Yes, please.
Late period Stranglers?
He's a strange little girl.
What if I don't want to?
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
Text the Nation time.
We're going to wrap things up in the Text the Nation barn.
Wrap it up.
Yeah?
Wrapping things up in the Text the Nation barn.
We're going to wrap it up with some paper.
If you don't got paper, what about some material?
I was waiting for a rhyme.
I know.
All through that rap I was waiting for a rhyme.
I know.
But it was kind of brilliant that there wasn't one.
Really?
Yeah.
Have a record deal.
If you don't got material, how about paint?
You could just paint the things in the barn.
Oh dear.
Shall we just play another record?
No, let's... That's the nation.
Look, here are some good ones.
You know we had the man who made his own pants.
Yes.
Well, he's sent some stuff in.
And of course it was a man, as someone clearly pointed out.
If it wasn't a man, how could the... Julie's hang out.
Yeah.
So his name is Simon Turner.
And he says, I made them as a surprise for my wife.
He was a man at that stage, well I guess.
I bought her a sewing machine and she was making curtains and there was material left over so he nipped in and made himself a pair of sexy underpants.
Sexy pants and curtains.
And then removed his trousers later that evening to present to her.
I've got a surprise for you darling.
Imagine, picture the scene, especially with everything sticking out.
How sexy can you get?
Toasted crumpet.
Okay.
Here's a couple of more good ones.
Is that good English?
Yes.
Uh, hello Adam and Jo.
When I was about 15 I was desperate to prove I wasn't part of the crowd.
I wanted to come up with a good way to be subversive and rebellious.
When I couldn't come up with a good idea I decided that I would wear my shirt as jeans and my jeans as a shirt.
I got two pairs of jeans, ripped one of them in half so each trouser leg acted as a sleeve.
and use the other pair of jeans as a sort of bonding material in between.
I taped it all together with brown parcel tape and tried to slip my shirt onto my legs.
What?
Naturally I look ridiculous like a fashion version of The Elephant Man.
A fashion version?
The look never left my bedroom, and all I had to show for my project was two ruined pairs of jump jeans and a ruined shirt.
That's John from Canterbury.
Good experimentation, though.
It's an idea that's crossed most people's minds at some stage, hasn't it?
Wearing your trousers like a shirt?
They're similar garments, yeah.
A shirt's just like a pair of trousers with an enormous gusset.
Yes, exactly.
If you just slashed a hole... Can I say gusset?
Yeah.
If you slashed a hole between the legs of your jeans, you know, and thrust your arms up into the legs, you could pop your head through the
hole.
Yes.
And then you could, you could, it would be like a kind of crazy tank top with long arms.
Listen, talking of popping your head through the hole, here's a final one from Mary.
You're scared now, aren't you?
It says, more fashion misinterpretation.
Looking for a new training bra at the tender age of 12, I asked my mum if she had something.
She said, look in my underwear drawer.
There I found a sexy looking bra and quickly threw it on.
When she saw me, she fell about laughing.
It was not until I was much older that I realised I'd been wearing a pair of her rude pants with my head sticking through the missing crotch.
You're sincerely merry.
What a lovely way to end this week's text summation.
Thanks very much to everyone who sent Diddin a text, and thanks to the person who pointed out that Gillian Coe had done exactly the same subject a few weeks ago.
We don't care.
No, it's not about the subject, it's about your texts listeners, yeah?
You are what makes this show unique and we thank you for it.
So if we didn't read out your text or email, we apologise, but we've read every single one and we really appreciate you sending those in.
Can I read out one more email quickly?
Yeah, go on.
Yeah, this is from Nick Barth.
He says it was interesting to hear Joe talk about the new Blue Peter, which is now liberally sprinkled with musical beds.
Recently, I've become obsessed with the idea of having a music bed for my phone.
he's giving us a non-branded version of the iPhone for various conversations.
For example, some nice comforting music for telling my wife that I'm going to be home late, some sophisticated classical stuff for talking authoritatively to colleagues, or maybe some Philip Glass in the background when I'm on the phone to a call centre to get them to hurry things up.
Maybe you could publicise this idea, then some wise widget wizard will help to develop the thing and we can all buy it for our iPhones.
That's a good idea.
That's a very good idea.
Music beds for the iPhone.
Music beds for chat.
You know one thing, because I just moved house fairly recently, I've been on the phone to various people trying to get things installed.
So I've had to go through a lot of those things where you go through the options, right?
You sit there for about 20 minutes getting the options.
I thought, I should have options when people call me.
So next week I'm going to bring in my new option thing that I'm going to have for my phone.
I had an idea for the... I haven't got one of these iPhones, but I had an idea, though.
They've got Sat Nav.
Why not have Chat Nav?
Right.
So when you're having a conversation, the Chat Nav gives you instructions.
In six words, agree.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
After the end of this sentence, slap on left cheek and leave room.
Chat Nav.
Try saying, hmm, yeah.
That would be the basic one.
Really?
After 12 words say, really?
That's fascinating.
And then for a random one you could just say, take a left turn now.
And then you start with the topic.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Check now.
Perfect.
Very nice.
Great ideas for widgets.
Joe, is this your free choice now?
Is it?
Yeah, this is a tribe called Quest with Check the Rhyme from the Low End Theory.
Very nice.
Yes, Tribe Called Quest there with Check the Rhyme.
It's nearly the end of the show now.
That's pretty much it, isn't it?
Thanks a lot for listening.
Hey folks, don't forget you can download a podcast of the edited bits of this show.
I always hesitate to call them highlights because it seems a little... You're too modern to man.
Yeah, plus you can listen to the whole thing again on Listen Again via the 6 Music website or on the BBC iPlayer as well.
Next week we're going to try and do Scary Songs for Song Wars, is that right?
Yes, Scary Songs in preparation for our terrifying Halloween special.
And we may have a special guest in the studio next week.
Yeah.
And we never, we never normally have guests.
Should we, are we okay to talk about this?
We might have Roger Moore.
We might get Roger Moore to come in and listen to our Quantum of Solace songs.
Because you know Roger Moore, he's got this new book out, his autobiography, My Word is My Bond.
He was very good on Jonathan Ross last night, but we might be getting him in here next weekend towards the end of the show just to see whether he likes our Bond themes.
Especially as you actually name check him in your Bond song.
Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So all that to look forward to.
And yeah, we're really gonna miss you this week.
Take care of yourselves, will you?
Just be careful.
You've been playing Reckless recently.
Exactly.
Be careful out there.
Liz Kershaw's coming up right now.
Here's Pavement with a session track recorded for Steve LaMac in 1997.
This is Harness Your Hopes.
Have a good week.
Bye, I love you, bye!
By harness, your hopes aren't just one person You know because a harness was only made for one Don't telegraph your passes, you'll end up with no last