The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (13 September 2008)

Welcome to the big British castle.

It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then eventually...

That's Folds with Olympic Airways.

Good morning.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music.

Only it's not because it's just Joe, because Adam, listeners, has failed to turn up.

We're not sure where he is.

We think he's somewhere in his car.

In the building?

Is he in the building?

But he's got to get through the various portcullises here at the castle.

He's got to get the permission from the yeoman and the beef eaters and the grenadiers that guard the castle and get up here into the studio.

So we're hoping he's going to be here.

in time for the next record.

But for the moment we've got a great show coming up, all sorts of stuff that I can't possibly tell listeners about yet, because Buxton isn't here to sort of have his say on them.

So let's just go to the next record and keep our fingers crossed.

Here is Echo and the Bunnymen with Bring on the Dancing Horses.

It's Adam and Joe on BBC 6 Music.

That was Echo and the Bunnymen with Bring on the Dancing Horses.

This is Joe presenting solo for the moment because Adam

hasn't got here yet and we've got bad news, listeners.

He's been arrested on the way for having a big bushy beard.

A big black bushy beard.

He was mistaken for a terrorist and his car was stopped by the police and now we're going to join him live in prison.

Hello, Adam.

It's not a very good story, is it?

That's all lies, listeners.

Terrible BBC lies.

It's fine.

You got here.

I'm fine.

I wasn't arrested.

What happened was I had to hire a car because I'm moving house at the moment.

It's a very long process.

I'm doing it in stages.

If you move like when you're 18, it takes an afternoon.

You get a friend to help you who comes around with the van or whatever.

And it's not a problem and that's the case right through your 20s But then as soon as you maybe get married or start having children or you know build a small ludicrous empire Moving house is a very long process and it you can't just do it in a day It takes ages and ages and I'm still doing it like weeks after I began the process.

Let's stick with the arrested story To the prison voice again

Hello.

So, I had to hire a car this morning, right, to move a bit more stuff.

And it was dangerous.

They gave me an automatic car, right?

They didn't say anything about that.

They're fun.

They're like big bumper cars.

Well, it's a big bumper car, but the brakes on the thing are unbelievable.

Springy.

I mean, it's very sensitive.

So the tiniest little... They need to be.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, because automatics.

They're driven by people who think they're at the fun fair.

Right, like the guy in the automatic.

Like the guy in the band, the automatic.

Is it a drummer who's the demented one in the automatic?

I don't know.

Anyway, this car is all kitted out to protect the driver against the guy from the automatic with incredibly sensitive brakes.

Right?

And I had a mirror laid on top of my boxes in the back of the car.

And at one point, I just, I stopped at a red light, but broke too hard.

The mirror slid.

The mirror slid!

Creating an optical illusion through the rear view mirror.

Did it?

Yeah, it was amazing.

You thought you'd driven into an infinite universe of reflections.

I nearly know what nearly happened was Damien Omen 2 style decapitation scenario.

Damon Omen 2?

Was it?

One.

I'm sure it was the second one, wasn't it?

Oh no, it was the second one.

It's one when he gets his head chopped off by a big bit of glass.

It's the beginning of number one.

Are you sure?

Can we have that confirmed by our film experts?

I think it's number two.

I think it's number one.

When the... is it when the... I think the beginning of number two, they're trapped in a tomb by a rock fall.

The truck rolls back.

Isn't that right?

I think the truck's... Anyway, our listeners will quickly tell us.

They're good on that sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, that nearly happened to me.

Wow.

Because of the brakes.

Why didn't it happen to you?

Well, you'd prefer that, wouldn't you?

No, I was like, why didn't it... what stopped it?

The head post.

That's why you have head posts.

Thank God.

Thank goodness for the head post.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

It would just be a gory stump.

How would you like to do that with, like, the Joe and the Gory Stump Show?

It'd be like Adam Buxton from the film Stardust.

Yeah.

Instead of an axe in your head, it would be a big mirror.

What kind of voice would I have then?

Just a bubbly... Yes, the prison voice again.

That would be my Gory Stump voice.

Listen, let's play some music, shall we?

And then we can resume normal service on the Adam and Joe radio program here on Six Music.

I've got a free choice right now.

This is exciting, isn't it?

It's like a roller coaster.

quickly.

This is new music, relatively new music, this is from about 2006 and these guys were the favorites on the Steve LaMac show I believe and I don't know if they're re-releasing this or what but it's it's a band called Wild Beasts and a track called Brave Bulging Boyant Clairvoyance.

I think you'll enjoy this Joe, this is a kind of very early 80s new wavy sound but in the style of the Associates and the guy's got a very kind of over-the-top over-operatic quality

And coincidentally, we're going to be playing the new video for this at my video show bug on Thursday, I think, at the BFI sold out.

So it's not an advert.

You can't come.

Sorry, sold out.

There is another one, though, that we can't say.

Play the record.

Here's Wild Beasts with Brave Bulging Boyant Clairvoyance.

Well done.

That's Wild Beasts with Brave Bulging Boyant Clairvoyance.

And they're re-releasing that as a single in October.

They're talking about, what's that astrologer's name, Russell?

Russell Brand.

No, Russell.

Hardy.

Russell.

Girth.

Grant.

That's what they're talking about.

Russell Grant, and he's on the ferry to France, and they get in trouble, and he jumps into the sea, and he's very brave and buoyant.

And he's bulging.

And he floats and all the other, all the other passengers cling onto his jeans.

Yeah.

And then he saves their lives.

And he's a brave, bulging, buoyant, clairvoyant.

Yeah, that's amazing.

That's what the song's about.

Wild Beasts are from Kendall, which is the home of Kendall Mint Cake, Felicity Kendall, Kenneth Kendall.

And that's it.

Wendell Kendall.

Hey listen, the answer to our quandary earlier about The O-Men was, is that I was right.

It is O-Men 1 where he gets, it's David Warner gets his head chopped off.

Thanks to the three or four people that texted in about that.

Nerd.

Damien O-Men 2, one of my favorite ever horror films.

It's a smash, isn't it?

It's amazing.

One of the most underrated sequels.

I've got a theory that it's better than the first film.

He's under the ice in number two, isn't he?

Or is that number one?

Yeah, no, his brother goes under the ice.

That is an absolutely horrific scene.

Does his brother, or is it just, is it him?

No, whoever goes under the ice dies, but I think it's just a random kid.

Yeah, so one of his mates is in it and he goes under the ice there, and they're all racing around.

They're doing a hockey match.

And he starts sliding along under the ice.

It's terrific, it's got an excellent elevator, lift accident.

It's got terrific death by crows.

Well, bravo!

Well done, bravo!

And a squash by a truck.

Packed to death by crows, then squashed by a truck.

Bravo!

He's got trapped under the ice.

I'm going to the toilet for three minutes.

I want another killing as soon as I get back.

He's sliding along under the ice there.

There's no retrieving that fellow.

Well done, sir.

He can't breathe.

He's trapped.

It's awful.

Brilliant.

Off he goes.

Well, terrific.

Well done, sir.

Here's a little Guy Garvey trail for you.

He won the Mercury Prize this week.

Did you watch that?

He did.

It was inevitable, really, wasn't it?

You reckon?

Well, the Garvey bandwagon has been snowballing for a while in terms of his mystique and mixing your metaphors there a little bit, mate.

Well, I like to mix my metaphors.

for breakfast on a Saturday.

It's very healthy.

Let's hear Garvey in his trail.

Yes, I don't understand that music personally.

That was three six-year-olds from Northampton and they're called Wicked Woffit and Wobble and that's their new single.

That's exciting stuff.

No, that's the Beastie Boys.

It's not so exciting then.

No.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

You know what?

You know who I miss?

Who do you miss?

Salty.

Salty the salt man.

Just not the same without the salt man.

Sea salt.

It was nice.

It was comforting having him sat there.

He was impressed.

He thought what we were doing was worth something.

That's right.

He seemed nervous even.

He was the same age as us even.

He was the same age as us.

Oh, I miss him.

I wish he'd come back.

He just had a laid-back presence that really lifted the show, I thought.

He could have been our Carl Perkins.

What's he called?

Pilkington.

Carl Perkins.

Do a bit of rock and roll.

He could have been our Carl Perkins.

He could have been our Carl Perkins, couldn't he?

With his blue suede shoes.

But no, he had to go back to his Lego shop and carry on with his life.

It's very sad.

He has, however, put up some photos of the stuff that we gave him on Flickr.

Oh, right.

Yeah, so there's some nice pictures of the Santa Claus and Gull and he's arranged them very nicely and taken a photo.

Do you think he's watched any of them?

And someone has put beneath the photo on Flickr quite a rude comment like, what is this photo doing on Flickr?

Get it off.

And Chris has replied very calmly and intelligently, this is a photo that I have taken of things that I own, that people have asked to see.

Therefore, I have posted it.

There's no rattling the salt man.

There's no, no, the salt, he is unrattleable.

Yeah, like so firmly attached to the ground.

Salty can't be shaken.

No.

Where am I going with this?

No, I don't know.

He's got some soggy salt blocking his holes.

Somewhere bad.

But is that the first guest we've ever had?

I think so.

The first and last.

First and last.

The only guest ever.

There might be some kind of plaque put up on Chris's face.

What if there were special circumstances?

What if someone really famous wanted to come on this show?

It would depend who they were.

We'd have to vet them.

They'd have to fit certain criteria.

Would we throw it open to the listeners?

What to let them decide whether the person would come on yeah to let them decide whether they would certainly would yeah Yeah, cuz we respect our listeners.

We do don't they're used to a certain type of rubbish Confuse them give them new bringing foreign elements into the trash pile right now it is 930 on BBC six music and it's time for the news read by Nicky car I'm realizing I've never done that dance

what dance well presumably you're supposed to freeze and then rock and then freeze you know have you ever done that no I bet that's fun I must have done that surely no no I haven't done that the only dance I've done is the

You know, I did the rowing one.

There aren't enough dances around anymore, are there?

They used to be like a single along every few months that had a special dance.

At my school, when I was 11, they had a pop dancing class.

No.

And so we went along and the first dance, I only went to one, I think.

But the first dance class I went to, they taught you how to do the Prince Charming dance.

I know how to do that, darling.

Yeah.

It's the crossed arms at the front, isn't it?

Crossed arms.

And then it's one arm.

Raise your one arm.

One fist over the head.

That's right.

The other fist over the head.

And then you lay one hand down by your side.

But you're moving forward all the time as well.

Yes, you're advancing.

Exactly.

With who was it?

Diana Dawes?

Who was it?

Yes, it was Diana Dawes.

Yeah, at the front there.

Uh, so that was a good one.

It was a great thing to do because all the girls were at the class, you know?

Really?

And they were doing the Prince Charming dance.

It's not easy for you to do, like, a little, uh, fruity cough.

I'm clearing my throat because there are girls in the competition.

11 year old girls have arrived at the conversation.

Now listen, we just got an email or so Joe reckons from someone who is getting married.

Yeah, let me take you through this properly.

Here we go.

This is an email from somebody called Emma Spencer and she says that she and her family are fans of the show and they're having a wedding soon.

And they're putting their playlists together for their wedding.

They're not fans now after the fruity cough.

No.

But they're missing a song for their first dance.

And Emma says, can you help us?

Any suggestions?

We don't really have an hour song.

So she's thinking... Well, she's listed all the records they've got for the disco after the wedding.

Bit of Robert Palmer, some Some Mix-A-Lot.

It's a very good lineup.

Texas Midnight Runners.

Some Logins is in there.

Which Logins?

Kenneth Logins.

With Footloose.

Wow, there's only one Logins, isn't it?

It's not going to be obscure Logins, is it?

It could be Rupert Logins.

But he hasn't secured a record deal with that.

Yeah, but a Logins album track or something.

Christina Aguilera and Friends with Lady Marmalade.

All that kind of thing.

Oh, please, huh?

I think it's a brilliant, you know, weddings all bets are off.

What's wrong with the original?

You don't need Aguilera.

Oh, you do?

There's warbling and it's sexy for the kids.

Oh, please.

So she's thinking maybe we could suggest like a real song, but we were thinking...

We were thinking Emma, or indeed maybe Emma doesn't want this, but it made us come up with an idea which is for Song Wars, which sadly isn't happening this week, but might happen in the next few weeks, for Song Wars, if you're having a wedding, would you like us to write the song for your first dance?

So this is the deal.

If you want us to write the first dance song for your wedding, email us.

Emma, I'm afraid you're going to have to email again because we don't want to voice this on you.

Because we'd like the person who agrees to this to enter into a binding, solemnly sworn, contractual oath.

Yeah, much like the marriage vow itself.

that they promise to play the winning song at their wedding and dance to it as their first dance.

And we're going to need video evidence sent to us.

We might even send Saltman out there to monitor it.

We haven't told the Saltman about this.

But he has been employed on the show without knowing.

He'd be a good correspondent, wouldn't he?

But we definitely need video evidence that this song was actually used as the first dance.

And we would, as our part of the contract, we would promise to try our damnedest to make a song that will go down really well.

yeah at the wedding because we know the vast majority of the people at the wedding won't know what song wars is or what these noises are so we try and really make it welcoming yeah all they would have to say they wouldn't have to explain like oh they're these guys on six music it's a digital station you need a dab radio they wouldn't have to go through all that that might be in the song yeah

they would just all they would say is you know we've had a song specially composed for martin and chris or whoever it happens to be and here it is and then the guests would be confused for two and a half minutes but you would have to dance during that period of confusion we might i'm not promising anything but there might be a special dance that comes with the song

Prince Charming style.

Yeah, you might get a sheet of instructions.

Okay.

So what do need people need to do?

Do they just email us the email addresses?

What is it?

Adam and Joe dot six music at BBC dot co dot UK This might not happen for a few weeks because it's a big you know, we need to make these songs really good But but if you if you're getting married and you'd be prepared to enter into that deal.

Mm-hmm, then please email us

Yeah, and let us know salient facts.

We would need facts about you and your spouse to construct the song.

Yes, information, so it can be personalised.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

And what about Emma Spencer, who sent in this email?

And that's sort of what she's hinting at.

And we also need the date of the wedding as well.

Yep, absolutely.

It needs to be not immediately, right?

It needs to be in a couple of months.

And do we even want an invitation?

Not really.

Well, no.

Let's wait till the details come through, yeah.

We'll see what it's gonna be like.

I don't really need an invitation.

Really?

No, I don't really want... What if the Sultan of Brunei or Steve Jones?

That's different.

Well, exactly.

That is totally different.

I'm just saying, don't hedge your, well, no, do hedge your bets.

Hedge your bets.

Hedge the bets.

I'm gonna hedge, start hedging.

Hold the bets in the hedge.

I didn't even think about that.

Does Emma Spencer have special dibs, though?

Because she's sent in this email with this idea on it.

Does she get, what if she just emails back and says, well, that's what I was saying, how dare you take my idea and then throw it open to the other listeners.

Well, that's fine.

We just need some facts in that case, Emma.

But then there's no point in anyone else asking.

Yeah, but if we're gonna look through the other entries, we'll put Emma at the top of the pile.

Right, so she will have a special extra edge.

But it might be overpowered by other emails.

Especially if they're from Steve Jones.

And he's gonna fly us.

Or the Sultan of Brunei.

Yeah, both of them.

Like, if Steve Jones was marrying the Sultan of Brunei, it's possible.

Wow.

That is a wedding that I would like to go to.

Now, here is a little slice of... Hey, speaking of, this is the last Shadow Puppets, right?

Did you watch the Mercury Music Prize last night?

Bits of it.

I watched the opening sequence.

It was a montage of hobnobbing at tables.

And there was a tiny little clip of Alex Turner kissing... what's her name?

Chung.

I felt... it made me so angry.

They looked in each other's eyes.

She just kissed him on the lips.

It just made me furious.

He's a good-looking, tall, very talented man.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm taller than him.

Not that much.

No one's taller than me.

He's very tall.

Is he?

Yeah.

I know what you mean, because at first when I found out they were going out, I thought, that's outrageous, just because he's in a band.

He's spotty.

He's a little spotty weasel man.

He's not, though.

She should be going out with me.

I saw him at Glastonbury's, not a spotty weasel man.

Alexa Chung, what are you doing?

What are you doing, Chung?

He can't kiss.

I'd kiss you.

Okay, here's the age of the understatement from The Last Shadow Puppets.

That's good stuff, isn't it?

Little Scott Walker-esque jaunt there.

From The Last Shadow Puppets, Joe's romantic rivals for the affections of the beautiful Alexa Chung.

It's only a matter of time.

What are you thinking about?

Before I go home.

She does like all the men, though, apparently.

Does she?

Well, I'm very old.

Yeah.

So I'm bound to be in with a Jon.

Have you got an amazing, not just one, but two amazing bands that everybody loves?

Yeah, kind of.

Have you?

Yeah, I do.

What are they called?

Joe Cornish and his songs is one of them.

And then there's another one called Night Flyer.

That you don't know about it's a rock band.

I play in pubs.

Have you got an album England?

Yeah, what's the night flyers out?

It's called rocket

It's free playtime listeners and this free play has a story behind it because last week you might remember that a listener designed some t-shirts based on the text the nation we did a few months ago about silly t-shirt slogans and we had one which was Alan Sugar

You know the deal with a jazz cigarette and saying, instead of your fired saying, you're fried, and someone printed that up as a proper t-shirt.

I notice he didn't print up, take me to your lido.

No.

It's weird, isn't it?

It's not that hurtful, isn't it, with an alien?

Well, maybe now.

Someone else will.

Alien with a shunning costume on, and a towel over his small daughter.

It was more family friendly, wasn't it?

Alien shoulder.

But he didn't do that.

He just did your fried.

And he sent in a t-shirt each to Adam and I. We were going to put photos of ourselves up on the website wearing it, which we'll try and do this week.

Yeah, we forgot to do it last week.

I brought it in this week, though.

I've only got mine.

Joe forgot his, so we'll get Joe dressed up in it, seeing as he thought of the phrase, and take a lovely picture of him with no undies.

He's going to be lovely.

Really?

No undies?

No undies.

Really?

Well, there's something to look forward to.

But anyway, as part of the deal, he said, look, here are these t-shirts, but I'd like you in return to play some fusion.

Do you know what fusion music is?

It's a fusion of jazz and funk, is it not?

Yeah.

It's like fusion cuisine.

Right.

Only musical.

It's very dangerous, though.

You should never attempt the fusion of jazz and funk.

Yes, it's true.

True.

You should certainly do it in a hermetically sealed clinical environment.

It's one of the things they're doing with the supercollider, is it not?

They're trying to... Mixing jazz and funk.

Propelling jazz and funk at high speeds round.

Towards each other.

A circular tube towards each other, yeah.

And it's being manned by Joe Zwienel and Jaco Pastorius.

It's very dangerous because a huge funky hole could open up and suck everything into it.

And at the very center of that hole would be Craig Charles.

Groovy.

That's true.

Well, I don't remember the name of this man who sent the t-shirts in, but he's put one up on eBay as well.

If you search on eBay under... No, we can't say, can we?

Because it's promoting his website.

But there's one on the eBay.

For sale.

Anyway, so he asked for some fusion.

I don't know that much about fusion.

Come on.

But I don't know that much.

All I know is weather report.

Are they even proper fusion?

I wouldn't know, actually.

We'd have to ask... What's his name?

Julian Barrett.

Right.

He's the expert.

I think this is fairly mainstream when it comes to fusion, and, you know, they're not fusing that much.

No.

Just a little bit of fusing.

But so I chose a weather report track for the t-shirt, the nameless t-shirt, T-shirt, Gentlemen.

It's called Barbary Coast.

It's off the album Black Market.

Oh, it's a smash.

It's a sort of quite an accessible track for you non-jazz fans, because you could play it now, please Claire.

Activate the track.

It's a sort of a choo-choo train.

It's like that sound.

Turn it up a bit.

So you have to imagine you're chugging along the coast of Africa, the Barbary coast, in this lovely old train.

And now the fusion men are going to interpret the atmosphere on the train.

Craig Charles waving his flag.

All aboard!

Lovely stuff.

There you go.

Something else that isn't going his way.

Placebo with teenage angst.

That was a live session track, and it went on for another 25 minutes.

So we had to cut it short there, unfortunately, Placebo fans.

That was recorded for Gideon Ko in October 2004, here at The Hub at BBC Six Music.

And there's still a little greasy stain where Molko sat and sang that song.

And it's got a gold frame around it now.

And you can come and see it.

You can pay six quid and... Lies.

Have a look at that.

That's all lies.

Scandalous lies.

It's all untrue.

That was a good bit of jazz funk before there.

Wasn't it good?

Enjoyable.

I do recommend Weather Report.

If you like the sound of that, they're really good.

You could go out and buy the album Heavy Weather or Black Market or Sporting Life.

And you certainly wouldn't go wrong.

You've got to be used to people doo-wapping along to the main melody line.

It's quite blended in with Weather Report.

Who were the main players in Weather Report?

Well, the classic line-up was, of course, Swinal on keyboards.

Who played with Talking Heads?

No, no, he inspired a song by Talking Heads.

Did he?

Joe Swinal.

Called Swinal.

Of course, Jaco Pastorius on bass, the late, great Jaco Pastorius.

The tragic genius.

He's got an amazing solo album.

He's one of the world's greatest ever bass players.

With the moody black and white photo of him on the front.

Yeah, yeah.

He was tragically killed in a robbery years and years ago.

He was mugged in a car park or something.

Yeah, something really hideous.

Rubbish.

And he was a genius.

And you know, Wayne Shorter on the sax,

yeah uh that's those are pretty much the names i know um they all played for sting on dream of the blue turtles was it it was one of those one of those albums sting just hired all like as many of weather reporters he could yeah and got them to play on one of his albums i think it was dream of the blue turtles or one of those maybe the following one yeah it was dream there was a video do you remember there was like a video of them recording it and there was i've

I forget what that film was called.

It also included the birth of Sting's daughter or son.

It had a whole Trudy style of birth scene in it, really quite gory.

And also scenes of him bickering with Weather Report, who were being obviously very handsomely rewarded for playing on this Sting album, but were being bossed around by Sting.

And I think there's a bit where they don't take it anymore.

They start teasing Sting.

So it's the Sting versus Weather Report standoff.

Maybe it's been withdrawn by Sting.

Maybe.

Like George Lucas.

He's had it banned.

With drawing the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Yeah, exactly.

Or the Rolling Stones getting rid of Cocksucker Blues.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

But listen, listeners, that's jazz funk news.

I should update people on Kylie the Kitten.

Yes, please do.

Because last week we were discussing the fact that a kitten turned up at my back door looking very ill.

Just before the show, I saw it the night before and it had misty eyes and it was very thin.

Then then we thought it might go home the next morning.

It was there again and it was coughing Mm-hmm and spluttering So I was hoping when I rushed home after the show that it would still be there and I could take it to the vet I'm sorry to say it didn't it.

I haven't seen it again.

Well, the players gone back to the game

Is that the Dr. Dre's veterinarian assessment?

That's what's happened, absolutely.

It really has caused me quite an emotional week.

I'm sure it's fine.

For the first three or four days I've been out there trying to call for it.

That's nature's wonderful mechanism.

Macy, my other cat, who was hissing and growling at this kitten, trying to get it away from her territory, has been looking extra pleased this week.

Right.

And I don't know, I just pray that the kitten's been found by somebody.

Maybe Macy ate it.

Mmm, do they eat other?

Yeah, they do eat other animals.

Do cats eat each other?

Probably.

They're capable of anything.

They're very wily.

They are, aren't they?

Yeah.

So anyway, it's not very good news, is it?

No, that's sad.

So hopefully it's been rescued by someone, but I have a terrible feeling it might have just crawled off and slipped this mortal coil.

No.

They're very resilient cats.

They always land on their feet.

Didn't look very well.

You reckon?

Didn't sound very well.

Oh dear.

Anyway.

That's sad though.

There we go.

I did all I could.

Should I have not come on the show?

Should I have just not turned up on the show and saved the kitten instead?

Today.

Last week you mean?

What I'm saying is I might have, you know, sacrificed the life of a kitten for the sake of last Saturday's show and my question is, was it worth it?

Oh yeah.

You think this show's worth more than the life of a kitten?

It was a good show.

Why are you wearing one furry slipper on your left foot?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Okay.

Anyway, very sad.

It's the top of our right now.

It's not very sad.

It might be great.

It might have been rescued.

It's fine.

Don't worry, listeners.

It's fine.

It's absolutely fine.

It's time for the top of our sweep.

Very exciting.

And then we're going to have some vintage late period talking heads.

Enjoy.

That's great.

That's the talking heads with wild wildlife.

What album was that from?

Uh, that was from True Stories.

Yeah.

Good album.

It was, uh, well, it's sort of considered to be their worst, isn't it?

Good album.

I like it.

It is.

I was excited when you came out.

That's a good video as well.

1824.

They're all dressing up as other pop stars.

You don't often get that, do you?

Right.

Is that clips from the film?

Yes, exactly.

Because pop stars want to maintain their own integrity.

They wouldn't want to start being as ironic as to just dress up as other pop stars.

Not the heads.

But the heads didn't care.

That's their stock in trade.

They love to throw caution to the wind.

Brian Eno and David Byrne's new album is out.

And it's good, man.

It's really nice.

It's a tune fest.

It's not exactly as experimental as Bush of Ghosts, which of course was the seminal collaboration between the two.

But still, it's very enjoyable stuff.

So Adam and John here on BBC Six.

We care about music.

We care about it.

Is that like a crime?

We love to talk about it.

We love to play it.

Love to think about it.

I'm going to think about it right now.

Here's a jingle.

I'm thinking about some obscure German prog.

Quick jingle.

Text the nation!

Text, text, text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Can I just say before we get into Text the Nation, while I remember, nice email from Jez Simmons.

Text from Jez Simmons reminding us that he wrote a book, I think, called Encyclopedia of Dead Rock Stars.

And he reminded us that Jaco Pistorius was not just killed by a mugger, but a bouncer who was refusing him entry into a club.

What a way to go.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

Thanks for your text there, Jess.

Now, Text the Nation this week.

Yes, now we've had a couple of emails in which conveniently feed into the idea of Text the Nation.

Here is one from Hugh Overend.

It says, one question I would very much like answered is this.

On a previous podcast from years gone by, I remember Joe saying that the film Revolver was hyped as being Guy Ritchie back to his brilliant best.

Yet Rock and Roller, the new Guy Ritchie film, has also been hyped as Ritchie Returns to Diamond Form.

Does this indicate that his diamond form is greater than his brilliant best?

Or does nothing top his brilliant best?

Or have they just reused the same quote?

So that's one Rock and Roller request, and I noticed that as well.

Both films have been Richie back to his best.

Well, which can only mean that he was so sort of incapable before, that it's amazing that not only has he done one,

reasonably coherent film, actually, Revolver wasn't even reasonably coherent.

Oh, is that the one you were referring to as reasonably coherent?

Well, that's the first one that's back to his brilliant best, isn't it?

Right, right, right.

Well done, because Swept Away, which was the one before that, was as if he was just incapable of...

Yeah, anything.

I mean, that's a nadir, not just for Richie, but for the whole of the film industry.

For the world.

A global nadir from Madonna, the film industry, just for humanity as a whole.

Yeah.

But it is a thing that happens, isn't it?

It's like when an artist of any stature troughs so dramatically, everything they do thereafter is a return to form.

But the lower they trough, the more return to forms they can have.

Because Richie, we just assume it's going to be a stinker.

All they have to do is turn up and everyone's like, oh, to return to form.

He's walking again.

Brilliant.

Is he holding down his food?

Well done.

That happens with Bowie and REM a lot.

Right.

You know, it's always, oh, it's a return to form.

There's another email from Karen DeFranco who says, why have there been no Guy Ritchie rock and roller based critiques?

I've been waiting for Joe to launch into a spleen venting diatribe.

Have you been gagged by the beeb?

Johnny Spleen.

I wanna vent some Spleen.

That's what he's like.

Guy Ritchie kicks open the door.

I'm gonna vent some Spleen today.

Well, neither of us have seen Rock and Roller.

I know two people who've seen it, and this is an entirely random poll.

It doesn't reflect our opinion or the BBC's opinion of Guy Ritchie's Return to Form, but both people I know who've seen it.

Couldn't make it beyond minute 40 really and they left something happens at minute 40 that's apparently Either it's just you know a snowballing misery or something happens that makes you leave It goes on

I think by the time he's introduced the 63rd colourful character, most people's brains just collapse.

So anyway, to get to the point, Text the Nation this week is a request for you to invent new ideas for films for Guy Ritchie and new characters and plots.

Right, so you can basically come up with any element, do you not think?

Like, just ideas that he can use in films?

Yes, he's looking for ideas.

Now don't make them new in any way, because remember Richie likes to do the same kind of thing.

He gets scared if he's out of the context of London gangland.

So we're looking for runyonesque colourful characters, right?

And we're looking for snazzy titles, and we're looking for plots.

They don't really have plots.

I guess it's a sort of MacGuffin.

What are you talking about?

Yes, exactly.

It's a MacGuffin, which is, you know, the word for the object that everyone's after in a story.

He loves MacGuffins.

Yeah.

And in Rock and Roller, it's a painting that's never revealed, am I correct in saying?

I think it's an artwork that you never see.

It's always a cleverest thing to do with a MacGuffin.

You make it, you keep it off camera like in Pulp Fiction.

Right.

And Repo Man and that sort of thing.

in lock stock it was of course the vintage uh shotgun was it not was it same my memory is fading that one i can't remember that i need to re-watch that you do i don't you do need to go home and re-watch lock stock and

immediately so yeah have you got any have you got any ideas to get people started there joe i've got a few things yeah i've got some characters uh some ideas for characters it's an enjoyable thing to do isn't it to think of characters yes uh i've got one called three hands roj oh

Yeah, can you guess what the thing about him is?

He's got three actual hands.

That's correct.

He's got two hands on his right hand.

Oh, it's three hands, Rog.

There is no more to him than that.

Yeah.

Zero.

That's it.

I've got one called... Oh, you do one.

I've got Billy the Kettle.

Nice.

He's got a whistle that he blows when he gets hot.

That's really good.

It's Billy the Kettle.

Why's he called Billy the Kettle?

You'll see.

He's called Whistle.

You'll know when he's angry.

He blows his whistle.

You wouldn't give it away in the dialogue, would you not?

Yes, you would.

And then you'd see it.

And then you'd say it again.

Also, I've got some casting suggestions.

Oh.

Can I not give you one more character before we get onto cut?

Oh, have you got a casting suggestion for Billy the Kettle?

Actually, I don't for Billy the Kettle.

This is named Kenny the Kettle.

Billy the Kettle, yeah.

Okay, well, I've got an idea for a character called Purple.

Purple, nice.

Purple.

Do you know why he's called Purple?

Because he likes purple.

No, he is purple.

He is purple.

He's purple.

Like a grape.

Yeah, that's purple.

Right, right.

That's it.

Yeah.

It's never explained.

It's never explained why he's purple.

Why's he called Purple?

Well, he's purple.

Yeah, yeah.

Freeze frame of purple.

Yeah, purple.

Little purple words come up in wobbly writing underneath and off he goes, purple.

And maybe it turns out that he fell into some dye or something.

No.

He wouldn't explain.

He's just purple.

He's just purple, yeah.

Okay, I've got Freddie Jedi.

I like it.

He walks around in a Ben Kenobi style robe and he talks about Star Wars and the Force a lot.

Freddy Jedi, that's good.

Freddy Jedi, played by Dexter Fletcher.

That's very good.

Because the sort of talking ironically about Star Wars in movies, it's about time that Richie jumped on that bandwagon.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what's it been, 15 years?

Come on, catch up.

Freddy Jedi.

This is, yeah, this is very mean.

We're being, we're just being silly.

Oh, are we?

I've got an idea for another character.

He's allowed to do it.

We are too, surely.

Yeah, but he's actually going to the length of making films.

Whereas just sitting in an air-conditioned studio and being smug.

Come on, let's go ahead.

Anyway, let's put that thought aside for the moment and focus on...

The object of the exercise.

I've got another idea for a character, Mr Tickle.

Is he actually one of the Mr Men?

Well, if we could do the rights, yeah, that would be really good, don't you think?

That he turns up, yeah.

In a shop.

What's Cockney rhyming slang for suit?

Whistle and stick.

Uh, Jimmy Toot.

Flute, that's right.

Flute.

And the deal with him is Mr Tickle.

He tickles people to death.

Which would be quite horrific.

Have you ever seen that in a film?

Someone being tickled to death.

Do you remember as a child?

when you used to get tickled and you would hyperventilate and think, oh my god, I'm gonna suffocate.

It's not pleasurable.

Used to be quite, no, there is a line when tickling becomes horrible.

And that's, you know, we're not encouraging children to do that.

It's a very, very bad thing, but most people will remember that feeling.

That's a good idea.

Why not put that in a film?

Very good idea.

How about this?

Point out O'Reilly.

He's an old, and they just call him point out.

Point out.

Oh, point out.

And he's an old Irish bloke and he keeps pointing things out to people.

That's it.

And it's played by, he's played by Martin McDonough from In Bruges.

Ah, you love that film.

I love that film.

But he probably won't do it because he's a good actor.

So, Patrick Keelty.

Right.

That would be good, interesting casting.

Let's point out O'Reilly.

Look at that thing over there.

That's what he'd be like.

He'd wander around and he'd have a little trilby, a big grotesque, erm, caricature of an Irish poet.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, he's got mud all over the tyres there.

So some strong ideas to get you started there, listeners.

The text number.

Let's point out O'Reilly.

He's always pointing things out.

is 64046.

That's 64046.

Text in your ideas.

And we're not just looking for characters.

In a second, we'll give you some ideas for some titles.

Snatch, Rock and Roller, Lock, Stock and Two, Smoking Barrels.

He's got an ear for a good title.

So we've got to see if we can provide him with a new one.

Look at that sign!

That's point out, isn't it?

That's point out.

I'm getting the hang of it.

He's always pointing things out.

So please get your texts coming in.

Here's the Eisley Brothers with that lady.

Can't do a good little waka waka.

That's the Eisley Brothers.

Hang on, is this a fade out or are they just going to lose interest?

They've been grooving for about four minutes now, don't they?

Stop grooving unless we... They're starting again.

They are never going to stop.

They're incorrigible.

That lady.

Look at that lady.

Just point out.

That was very good, wasn't it?

Did you happen to see Stevie Wonder on Jonathan Ross' show last night?

I tuned in at the end and I saw the spectacle of Jonathan on crumbs.

But thank...

god they appeared to have turned the sound down on his drums because he was bashing away fairly rhythmically but it sounded as if he was doing a kind of amateur solo over the whole song he looked a little bit self-conscious he did but they they turned it down which which made the whole thing um you know made him look quite silly it's fair enough though isn't it i mean you know what's he going to do refuse to play drums with stevie wonder did stevie wonder ask him to yeah the drums yeah i think they they set it up because stevie wonder gets his son

who's called something like uh... ken ken willy-wonder ken willy-wonder yeah uh... and uh... he plays drums at stevie's shows and he's had like twelve or something really but he's a bit more prodigious as far as the drums go he's pretty good so they got jonathan on to play but stevie was uh... i mean it was more or less like a stevie wonder special that show last night quite rightly because

He is a great entertainer.

I mean, he sounds amazingly good.

You know, he hasn't played like a gig for 10 years or something.

He's been playing in London at the moment, hasn't he?

Right.

And he sounds brilliant, like it's exactly like the record, which is what you want, really, from a massive artist, don't you reckon?

Yeah.

You go along, you want to see the... I want the songs to sound like they do on the record.

You want the hits?

Yeah.

Sounding like you know them.

And he delivers them unashamedly.

There's no grudging kind of, oh, do I have to play superstition?

All right, here we go.

He loves it, man.

He's rightly proud of his cannon, his magnificent cannon.

Look at my magnificent cannon.

That's not how he speaks.

He's got a really lovely high voice, Stevie Wonder.

And he was just rambling about like, um...

in the way that I am now, in fact, in a kind of nonsensical way about having some dream where he was speaking to his mother.

And it was a weird moment because Jonathan didn't quite know how to react.

Do you know what I mean?

Like when someone just starts telling you something nutty and the audience went quiet as well.

Anyway, like I'm doing now.

Like everyone's doing now.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Speaking of mothers, I was round at my mothers the other day and we were having a talk about cycling.

Your mother.

My mother.

Sounds rude, doesn't it?

Does it?

Not really.

Not really, just the word mother.

She was chatting to me and my brother about cycling and the dangers of cycling in London and that kind of thing.

We're both keen cyclists, me and my brother.

Is she worrying about you?

No, she was mainly worrying that, you know, are we behaving properly or are we observing the rules of the road and that kind of thing.

She's quite a stickler for that.

She doesn't appreciate.

She hates cyclists is what it comes down to.

She's one of these road users that absolutely loathes and takes any opportunity they can to abuse cyclists.

And she told us this unbelievable story that out of the place she said,

reminds me, quite a few years ago now, I was driving around London and I was at the lights and this cyclist, well, he shot across the red light and just carried on going and I couldn't believe it.

I was like, well, was it one of those situations where it wasn't a junction, he was just going across the light, he wasn't endangering other, you know, road users, so it's not the end of the world.

It was one of those David Cameron style

flautations of the road laws.

She said, well, yes, I think it was.

But still, I mean, you know, these cyclists, when they jump across the red light, it makes me so furious.

I said, why?

What's the problem with you if it's not an actual danger to you or anyone else?

She's like, well, because they just think they're so great, don't they?

What did she do?

She said, so I chased him in my car.

And I got very close to him and I deliberately swerved right up against him.

I was like, you what?

That's outrageous.

She hit him.

No, she didn't actually hit him.

She said, no, I didn't hit him.

I went very, very close to him though, so he had to swerve, she said, with delight.

I was like, you're the worst person in the world, Mar.

You are the kind of person that all cyclists hate and loathe and the kind of person that makes cycling a misery sometimes, you know?

You know what, they're both in the wrong, of course.

Right, of course, yeah.

But I would say my mum was maybe slightly more in the wrong for actually going up and terrorising that guy.

Yes.

And then he chased after her, right, because he was absolutely, you know, furious, and she probably freaked him out.

But she was unapologetic about it, and she said, so he chased me for quite some time, and eventually he caught up with me at the lights, and he called me a B-I-T-C-H or something, and waved his hand at me, and, um,

And off he went.

And waved his hand.

That's the rudest gesture of all.

Yes, exactly.

Shook his fist at me and slammed the bonnet of the car quite hard.

And off he went.

And then she said, and I felt like I'd quite won the day because I gave him a haughty look.

It's like a hyacinth bouquet.

She doesn't really speak like that.

But off he went and I gave him quite a haughty look.

So I felt I'd won the day.

That's a little slice of my ma there.

Oh my gosh.

She's frightening.

So listen, if you see my ma anywhere and you're on a bike, do observe the rules of the road, because she may well mow you down in her car.

It's terrifying.

It is terrifying, isn't it?

Let's have... Oh, now this is some...

This is a free choice right now and I've played this track on this show before, but I'm going to play it again because it was requested by the son of a good friend of mine.

So Jesse, hope you enjoy this one.

This is Spoon with Don't Make Me a Target.

That's Spoon.

from their excellent album GAR GAR GAR GAR GAR!

That's Don't Make Me a Target.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's just gone 10.30 and time for the news.

Very good stuff.

That sex on fire, my lord.

That's the way the kings of Leon do it.

And they were chatting to Steve LaMac.

Maybe about that and other things.

You can hear the show again by going to BBC iPlayer.

I always say, well, you can go onto the BBC website and do listen again.

You can still do that, right?

But the iPlayer is another option.

It's all about the iPlayer.

So many options.

So many.

Peppermint flavor, orange flavor.

Delightful.

And don't forget, of course, that you can listen to our show again on the iPlayer.

The whole of the show, the whole of the three hours with all the music.

But there's also the podcast, you know.

Don't forget about the podcast.

Right?

Yeah, and do you ever listen to that show on Radio 4 that's immediately after us?

Obviously, who would turn off six music and listen to Radio 4 after this show?

Only an idiot like me.

Yeah.

But Armando Iannucci's Charm Offensive.

Yes, yeah.

He has a kind of bee in his bonnet about the fact that BBC shows spend most of their time telling you how to access them via all these different methods.

Right, right.

He gets him very annoyed.

Do you ever listen to that?

He gets him very upset and he does lots of good jokes about it.

We don't mention it that much, though, do we?

We don't know.

But it's true, there's so many of them now.

Yeah.

That it almost takes as long to describe them as the length of a show.

Well, you need that.

Almost.

You know, now they've got rid of competitions.

You need some sort of blurb or waffle.

fill up the programs don't you so listen again the podcast yeah the podcast and but you know podcast features a lot of exciting new little nothing true got a whole new extra stings by the salt man extra stings by salty last week there's brand new stings this week as well that I've created in fact I've brought in a sting for you know

Yeah, I'm very excited about this thing.

I created it last night.

It's like a cross between a sting and a song from an amazing album.

A stong?

Yeah, do you want to hear it?

Yes, I do want to hear it.

It's all about us.

Here we go.

We're just a couple of guys talking to each other We've been friends since we were young I am like your brother And you are like my sister A shy and scaredy girl Pale and thin and trembling And frightened of the world But don't worry little sister I'll take care of you I will laugh at your jokes

I'll help you to the moon.

We'll get together once a week and broadcast our conversations.

And it will be quite similar to other radio stations that's slightly sloppier.

Well, that's such a mixture of...

of factual information, you know, things that are true and that connect to reality, and then things that don't.

Now, I saw you sigh wearily when the reference to helping you to the luke came up.

No, there were images in my head that I'd rather weren't there.

You've made me see things that I can't unsee It's like a little mission statement there and we could play it sort of I was thinking that we could play it on this show like maybe every quarter of an hour Just to remind people you know what we do here

That's a good idea.

But no, the truth is you bought that ink because that's one you're thinking of not using, right?

Yeah, I was thinking of baking.

I think it's good.

Yeah.

I do think, though, it deserves a retort.

Well, yeah, that's a good idea.

Because I don't like being characterized as a shy and scaredy girl.

As a girl.

What's wrong?

There's nothing wrong with girls.

Pale and thin and trembling and frightened of the world.

I'm quite pale.

I'm not as thin as I used to be.

I am quite frightened of the world and I do need help in the toilet.

A lot of help.

So listen, let's move on, let's segue to Collins.

Now last week we were talking about playing some Phil Collins listeners and this has set off a flurry, when I say flurry, I mean three emails.

about Phil Collins.

Alistair Bryce says, I was particularly excited to discover Joe's love of certain elements of one Phil Collins album.

My hope is that you stay true to your words and play some on the next show.

I love Phil, says Ali Bryce.

That's a pro, Phil.

Another email says, this is from James White Oldworth.

Phil Collins, is that a threat?

The fact that you may play Phil Collins is enough for me and everyone I know not to listen to your show.

Despite having all been fans since your first appearances on TakeOver TV, says Jawa, who's an editorial production assistant at BioMed Central.

That's a bit extreme, isn't it?

editorial production assistant at Biomed Central.

What the hell kind of job is that?

So there's a positive and a negative one, but then Maureen Rankine, Mo Rankine says no, it's with an E on the end, so it must be Rankine.

Rankine, that's how you pronounce it.

Really?

Yeah.

Really.

Is Rankine's belt with an E on the end, the famous Rankine?

I think so, a lot of them.

No.

See, James is saying no.

Er, Rankin.

Mo Rankin.

If you're going to play Phil Collins, what about the song You Know What I Mean from the album Face Value?

It's great.

Or, you know, just play Susudio and be done with it or don't.

Well, Stephen Merchant played Susudio the other week, so we were trying to think of something different.

But the reason it came up is because you played Summer, Earth, Wind and Fire.

Right.

And I was saying that the Earth, Wind and Fire's horn section played on a Phil Collins album.

There you go.

And the track they play on to the greatest effect is this bit of Middle of the Road, which I love.

I've loved this since it came out.

You know, records that you like when you were a kid and then you start to understand taste and maybe cut some things out of your collection.

Yeah.

This one's never been cut out.

No, this and the Thompson twins.

Doctors can't remove it.

I still do.

I've had various operations, but it just

It's fused to my bones.

Here is Phil Collins with I Cannot Believe It's True.

Very nice.

Do you think, you know what, I haven't dared look at the texts since that came on.

I've kept the screen on the email screen because I'm assuming there's been, well, it's probably just a disinterest.

A barrage.

But there may have been a barrage of rude emails saying, get this off.

I don't think so.

I don't think anyone might have liked that apart from me.

Definitely.

I enjoyed that.

I thought that was good, you know, and that lasted.

It was about three or four hours.

It was about 13 minutes and it felt like only... If you enjoyed that, there was anyone who knows that song and really enjoyed hearing it.

Do get in touch.

That was good, man.

That was enjoyable.

Oh, it's great.

It was punchy stuff.

I'd forgotten about that one as well.

He's very good.

He's playing the drums on there as well, of course.

you're supposed to bring in mama i think we might have mama we might be able to dig it out of the vault really later on i don't know if we can make it through the whole of mama because it that really does come we just play it now because we should we should focus all this collins you reckon shouldn't we i mean if we if we spread it across the show then i don't know if it's a good off the whole thing really did it focus collins you need a license to focus that much to play more

than one Collins in any one hour period.

Well, let's leave it for the moment then.

We'll come back to it.

I think Claire's called it up there.

Has she?

Yeah.

Go on then.

She'll have a little cheeky listen.

This is much more serious.

It's not as funky.

It's political.

It's a political rhythm.

Well, this is Genesis, not just Collins on his own.

So he's got the whole... It's the wardrobes.

Listen to that.

That is a statement of intent, isn't it?

Electronic shriek of pain.

I used to love this song, man.

Monks.

There's monks.

Scary, deserted warehouse.

Chains hanging for the ceiling.

Here come the future monks.

Listen to this now.

They worship of God.

We do not understand.

That's the news.

The future monks are receiving the news from the planet Zog.

This is good, man.

Is this?

Yeah.

Which bit?

This is exactly what use it will be like in the future.

Do some of your noises.

The wrong noise.

That comes later.

We want to skip to that bit, don't we?

That's the coda.

You've got to wait for ages for that bit.

Here come the drums, the serious drums.

They didn't come.

No, it takes ages.

When does it drop?

Probably after the next chorus.

Because now it was all minor chords before, but now it's getting a bit more major.

He's a master.

He's a genius.

Do you think this is him in control of this song?

What about Gabriel?

Gabriel wasn't around at this point, wasn't he?

No, he was off doing his own thing on Windham Hill or wherever he was.

Really?

What was the song that he did?

Salisbury Hill.

No, that was earlier though, wasn't it?

I'm getting more from my Genesis periods mixed up.

Gabriel was off doing Sledgehammer at this point, I think.

And Genesis were a massive, great touring... Behemoth.

Behemoth.

Here we go.

It's like Lord of the Rings.

Because the goblins from the family Nice synth pad are we gonna listen to all of this?

No, let's show me the fade it out We had a little bit of a coughing that is an extraordinary journey that he's taking you on there certain Not only musically, but psychologically as well.

I don't want to go on the journey.

I believe there's been a fire in the tunnel

and services have been suspended.

Excuse me, here is another trail about the Mercury Awards, is it?

Another one.

Flipping heck, Tucker.

This is the voice of the big, pretty castle.

It is the top of the hour.

Ooh, that's wonderful.

I got so bored with the last hour and glad it's gone.

Now here's the new one.

It's exciting and it's new.

How do you do?

Yes, indeed.

This is Adam Buxton here.

Hey, this is Joe Cornish here, and we're delighted to be with you.

It's the final hour of the programme this Saturday afternoon.

Is it really?

It is.

God, that really whistled by, didn't it?

Well, it's amazing what happens when you start playing jazz funk in Phil Collins.

That's true, isn't it?

You know, the Phil Collins did stir up a veritable hornet's nest of text, but I'm pleased to say they were pretty equally divided between people who really enjoyed it and people who felt it was the most evil, satanic noise they'd ever heard.

Somebody saying all the plants died in their house.

Someone else whose flatmate may be moving out now that they've walked into the room, hearing that on.

Was that your trap or Mumma?

Uh, mama people seem to like, because mama's just silly, isn't it?

What?

It's, well, it's powerful, and it's epic, and it's like a sort of narrative.

Yeah, it's like a sort of muppet record.

Whereas, my jazz funk one, you know, it's more divisive.

Now listen, speaking of soft targets, uh, we are having a Guy Ritchie-based textination this afternoon.

Shall we have the Jingle Jungle?

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

I would like to say, in defense of Guy Ritchie, first of all, let's preface all these comments by saying that he is a filmmaker, a very successful one at that.

The end.

Okay.

Do you have more?

None of his films has lost money, although you dispute the fact that maybe Revolver... I can't believe that Revolver's in profit.

It wasn't even released properly in the States.

I read that none of his films has ever lost money.

And that's an impressive thing in the film industry, you know, not something to be sneered at.

And he's out there, he's doing it.

He's got a little team.

I mean, it's so hard to tell what constitutes the budget.

Are you including P&A costs?

What's P&A?

Print and advertising, you know.

Right.

The prints.

What kind of costs are you including?

Why is Prince involved?

Well, he's involved in the advertising of all films now.

Purple genius.

Yeah, he sticks them on the front of buses.

The Purple Ponds.

He's involved with the advertising of all films.

Yeah.

Right.

I didn't realize that.

Anyway, so we're asking you to contribute ideas to help Guy Ritchie out, because you know a lot of people enjoy knocking him, but let's not forget that a lot of people also enjoy his films.

That's a good angle.

We're not knocking him, we're actually helping him.

Yes, exactly.

Because he may well use these ideas.

So we're trying to give him a leg up.

You know, we don't want Rock and Roller to be his last fun gangster film.

We would like it to be just another one.

He is doing Sherlock Holmes, isn't he?

Is he?

Apparently he's supposed to be doing... There's two Sherlock Holmes films.

He's doing one, apparently, with Robert Downey, Jr.

Right.

Playing Sherlock Holmes.

And then Will Ferrell is doing another one with Sacha Baron Cohen, maybe?

Okay, yeah, I know there's rival.

It's gonna be war of the holmes is next year.

That's it.

They always come in.

Anyway, so but maybe he'll use the following ideas in the film after that.

Mm-hmm.

Whatever he does.

It's sure to be a brilliant return to form

Here's idea number one.

You're going to play Richie now, Adam.

Okay, and you've got to decide whether to put these in your next script.

Here's one from Gary in Loch Lomond.

Jimmy Two Shoes.

He's a backstreet gangster.

He lurks in the shadows.

He's always wearing two shoes in a sinister fashion.

Now, I'm not sure whether Gary means that he's wearing odd shoes.

I assume he doesn't, and he's just saying he's wearing shoes.

And his name is Jimmy Two Shoes.

Gary, I like it.

I think it's a brilliant idea.

Is that how Guy Ritchie talks?

Yeah.

When he's not on the radio.

When he's not hanging out with his mates.

He reverts back to this voice.

Gary, I think it's a really good idea and I'm going to put it in the film.

You could have a whole film with people called Two Shoes.

Johnny Two Shoes.

Anyone with two shoes?

I really like it, Gary.

It's a fun idea and I'm going to use it for the film.

What accent's that?

He's turned into your very young son.

Here's one from Nick in Edinburgh, Welk Willy.

He sells ammo in polystyrene cups from his stall in the East End.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah.

At the climax of the film, the stall gets caught in the crossfire, sending a deadly shower of bullets and mollusks down the street.

I think it's a really good idea.

Who's that from?

Nick from Edinburgh.

I really like it, Nick.

I'm going to use it in the film.

In the film?

Yes.

I've got an idea for a character.

Can I tell you this one?

I'm not interested in your ideas.

It's about the listener's ideas.

For a film,

Now, I didn't know for a character, another idea.

Oh, go on.

Jentob.

Like Alan?

Right.

He believes he's Alan Jentob, right?

And he pretends that he's filming everything for an arts program.

That's good.

He thinks he's making Imagine.

And here's the thing, the casting coup played by Alan Jentob.

No.

Yeah.

But it's not actually Alan Jentob.

The character is not actually Alan Jentob, but it's played by Alan Jentob.

Right.

Because he likes to mix it up with the postmodern

Every now and again, Guy Ritchie, doesn't he?

I think it's a really good idea.

Come on, let's have another idea.

OK, here's one from an anonymous text to a film character.

Trev four wheels, played by Bob Hoskins or Terry Venables.

All he says is get in the motor when doing bank jobs or other naff heists.

There's four wheels.

I really like.

Trev four wheels.

Very good idea.

Get in the motor.

You'd have to have ways to spin that line.

Like he'd be trying to refill his lawnmower with oil.

And it would be spilling.

Get in the motor.

Right.

He's talking to the oil.

Exactly.

So sometimes it's more serious than others.

Sometimes it's a trivial thing, like he's gardening.

Other times it's more important to get it actually get in the motor.

You just got to have a spin on the line.

Yeah, I really like it.

I'm going to go in the film.

I think it's a good idea.

Good.

Here's another one from Ollie in Battersea.

Jimmy the Sweep, played by Dick Van Dyke.

Is he still around?

He's quite old, but he's still with us, is he?

Yeah man, he's got his Doctor Series on in the States.

There you go.

Dick Van Dyke, who in the guise of a chimney sweep, kills people.

Nice.

The film would be called Soot.

and would become a West End spin-off.

I like it.

I think it's a really good idea.

Jimmy the Sweep is good because he could pop out of chimney places, what do you call them?

Fireplaces.

Suddenly.

And then kill.

And then exactly with his guns blazing.

Have we got any ideas?

He probably wouldn't have guns.

He'd probably use his thing that he sticks up the chimneys.

His brush.

Yeah.

His bristly brush.

You can imagine the rest.

Up the chimney.

Have you got any ideas for titles there?

You know, I did have some last night, but I've forgotten them.

But I'll try and think of some new ones.

Here's some ideas I thought of.

These are just for titles I haven't got necessarily plots attached to them yet.

Maximum Bosch Wallop.

I like it.

Maximum Bosch Wallop.

Yeah.

Richie, back to his brilliant best.

Yeah.

Bosch Wallop.

Maximum Bosch Wallop.

How about this?

Shut it, shoot it, boot it and toot it.

I like that a lot.

Yeah.

Take me through it again.

Shut it, shoot it, boot it and toot it.

Shut it, shoot it, boot it, toot it.

Yeah, I like it.

Because it's all like little references to the drugs and shooting.

Yes, it is.

How about this one?

Bob the Snob and the clobber job.

Don't know about that one, actually.

It's not so good, is it?

It's more like a children's thing.

Well, Guy Ritchie could spin out into children.

That's quite a good idea that he'd do a series of children's novels based on more sort of soft, simple gangster stuff.

That's a good idea, isn't it?

Well, listen, let's have some more ideas after a bit more music.

And are we playing the ting tings now?

OK, and is this the new single?

Sorry, Claire, I should have actually read my sheet, shouldn't I?

But I like talking to you, you know?

So this is the Ting Tings with Be The One.

Ting Tings with Be The One.

This is BBC Six Music.

This is Adam and Jo here with you, and we're in the midst of Text the Nation.

We're asking you to come up with ideas that might be useful for future Guy Ritchie films.

Yes.

And we've had some very good suggestions.

I've got a little plot here for you.

Really?

I really want to hear your plot, but I must point out we've had four suggestions from the listeners, seven from me and 15 from you.

I know.

Okay.

Well, let's have some more suggestions from the listeners.

But is this just for characters or other things?

No, it's mainly characters.

You're right.

We do need some more plot and title ideas.

Let's have your plot, man.

Let's hear it.

All right.

Here we go.

The title of this film is Jimmal and the Fix It, Fix Up.

Like it.

Right.

An eccentric crime kingpin played by Jimmy Savile.

takes his antique desk to be repaired at Roger's Rock and Roll repair shop after it's damaged in a shootout with some 12-year-olds.

Now Roger is played by Barry from EastEnders and while it's being repaired by Roger's assistant Phil, played by David Hasselhoff, 20 of Roger's friends come round dressed as Elvis.

Yeah, Elvis.

No, good, yeah.

And they have an Elvis party.

And everyone's having such fun at the Elvis party they're singing and dancing to Elvis that they don't see a gang of ninja monks led by a beautiful female monk called Pupulala, played by the Duchess of York, break in and steal the desk because they believe that it contains a holy scroll.

Are you following this so far?

Yes, yes.

This is a good plot, isn't it?

This is amazing.

I'm dazzled by the cast, though.

Yeah, well, it's a good cast and it's a lot of left field decisions.

Pupulala.

She's played by the Duchess of York.

That could be on the soundtrack as well, isn't that it?

Like a... Roy Ayres song, yeah.

Now, uh, Jim Orp, right?

The Fix It, The Crime Kingpin.

He's furious with Roger, obviously.

Because it turns out that he was hiding some diamonds and drugs in the legs of the table of the desk, right?

And he wanted to get the desk out of his house.

The legs of the table of the desk.

Yeah, while his son-in-law, Jimmels' son-in-law, played by Samuel Jackson, who is a local police chief, comes round for tea with his daughter.

Hang on, can I just point out that he's cool?

He is cool, isn't he?

Samuel L. Jackson.

He's cool.

This is what I was thinking, so this is... Caught to pound her with fries.

Right.

That's his line, isn't it?

Yeah.

Film four.

It's got stuff on.

Virgin broadband.

That's the film.

He's... Barclays Bank.

He's cool.

Whichever bank.

He's the coolest.

It was.

He's cool.

So he would play this police chief that is married to Jim All's daughter, the crime kingpin's daughter.

It's getting very complicated.

It is complicated, but that's what you want.

in one of the films.

Jimmell threatens to kill Roger if he doesn't get the table back, the desk back.

Roger enlists the help of the Elvises to track down the Ninja Monks.

Turns out the leader of the Ninja Monks is Jimmell's daughter, Pooh La La's, actually.

You know what, I guessed that.

Daughter, did you?

Yeah, that was obvious.

I was going to say it at the beginning.

Definitely.

Yeah.

Anyway, it goes on a bit like that.

So that's an idea.

That's Jimmell and the Fix It Fix-Up.

It's very complicated.

You want to hear a little introductory monologue?

Here we go, look.

Alright.

This chirpy fella's known as Roger the Table.

Why?

Because he tried to once.

As I recall, it was a snooker table.

And take it from me, it was the closest he ever came to a hole in one.

To say he quite likes furniture, he's a little bit like saying swept away was quite a bad film.

That's an in joke.

This is Roger's repair shop, and over there, that's Phil, but everyone calls him Phil the Hole.

Why?

Because if he sees so much as a crack in a wall, he gets out of his putty and starts filling it.

He's got a girlfriend called Polly, but that's another story.

Blah, blah, blah.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're very good at that.

Thank you.

There'd be some music underneath.

We should really go and see Rock and Rolla.

Some Scar.

What do you mean?

Go and see it.

Yeah.

Well, that's an outrageous suggestion.

Well, listen, I think, um, you've maxed the segment out there.

You reckon?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Let's, oh, okay.

Let's have some Q-tip and then we'll, um, hear some Q-tip is it breathe and stop.

Breathe and stop.

Has he got a new album out?

I read a review of a new Q-tip album, but now in one of the papers, now I can't find it anywhere.

And I heard a new single from him on the radio, but there's no sign of any activity in the shops.

Well, you're going to have to make do with this vintage tip right here.

This is Breathe and Stop.

Q-Tip with Breathe and Stop.

I think the deal with his album is that there was an unreleased album called Open that he did a few years ago that wasn't released that's kind of slightly more experimental jazzy guitar stuff and that has been released by some peculiar label.

Right.

It's worth guessing, it is quite odd, it's not his usual stuff.

Oh you've heard it then, yeah.

Yes, but there is some new stuff in the works I think.

Yeah.

New album coming up, so that's exciting for me at least.

Q-Tip there.

Amazing.

Now we should do a little bit of fact checking here on the Adam and Jo's show here on BBC Six Music.

We like to get one or two things wrong.

One or two.

To keep you on your toes as some of you know.

More facts are emerging about Jaco Pistorius' tragic passing, the bassist from Weather Report there, and also recorded solo quite a lot.

And apparently it's true that he was killed after an assault by a bouncer, but

Dave Sayer has emailed to add that sadly, Pistorius himself was an alcoholic apparently, and probably started the fight himself.

That's conjecture though, isn't it?

That is conjecture coming from Dave Sayer.

We're not quite sure what the reality is there, but he also points out that, now he's saying that no one from Weather Report is on the Sting album, which is Bring On The Night.

I was saying that Summer Weather Report.

Winter Marsalis and all that lot.

Well, not the ones that played on Black Market, but Omar Hakim is on there.

Right.

And I think he didn't he play on Sport in Life?

I think he's played with Weather Report, now you're asking.

Like he nicked a few JB's, didn't he?

Possibly, possibly.

But anyway, the film's called Bring on the Night, the film with Sting, the trudy style of giving birth and Sting having arguments with brilliant jazz musicians who he's kind of brought on the stay with him.

Bradford Marsalis and Kenny Kirklander on Bring on the Night as well.

But I'm sure there's someone from Weather Report on there.

I also said earlier on, I was talking about In Bruges and I was saying as a casting choice for one of my Guy Ritchie characters, I would go for Martin McDonough.

He was the writer.

He's not necessarily an actor.

He was the writer of In Bruges, talented playwright.

The actor I was thinking of was... I forgot his name again!

Who?

Brendan Gleason.

Brendan Gleason, thank you very much.

Yeah, who also popped up as Mad Eye Moody in Harry Potter films.

Yes.

Your favourite franchise.

I do like them.

I love the swivelly eye man.

He's great Brendan Gleason.

He's amazing and So sorry about those erroneous facts there now.

Let's have some Well, we're gonna read out a couple of text for Texas text in the nation aren't we now?

Yeah, are we are we not?

OK, sure, sure.

Because I was rambling on about my own ideas last time.

OK, here's one from Andy Clyde.

Remember we're asking for your suggestions for new characters or titles or plot ideas for the next Guy Ritchie film.

Andy Clyde suggests a character called Texta.

Texta?

He never speaks.

He only ever sends SMS messages to communicate.

I like it.

It's really a good idea.

I think we're going to have it in the film.

Very contemporary.

Also, that's a better idea for Dexter Fletcher.

Right.

Yeah.

He could play both parts.

Texta Fletcher.

He could be a kind of Eddie Murphy kind of character, who plays multiple parts in Richie films.

Right.

Using prosthetics.

I wonder if he's in rock and roll, I'd be sad if he was.

He must be.

Alex Cottrell sends an email suggesting a character called Voiceover Vince, a massive obese bald Cockney who stands just off shot, narrating the action as it happens.

The problem is he gets killed halfway through, which causes the film to break down into the normal level of confusion normally demonstrated by Mr. Richie's films.

Voiceover Vince, is that good?

That sounds a bit like that Will Ferrell film.

I like it.

It's post-modern.

I like it.

It's going to go into film.

Thank you very much.

Here's another one from Nick Jones.

He's got an idea for a character called Sausage Pete.

He's an older Cockney with slightly fat fingers, nothing else at all.

He says Nick Jones.

Right.

Yeah.

Sausage Pete.

I think it's a really good idea.

I'm going to put it in the film.

Yeah.

OK.

Here's a good one.

This is good from Sepp in Manchester.

The Yank.

And it's a name for an American character.

Right.

Probably played by Steve Buscemi.

And he's very out of place in London's East End.

Has he even got one of those in like Snatch?

Is this someone called a Yank?

I mean, that sounds... Possibly.

Ever since, um... John Wayne made that film, Brannigan.

Right.

Where he comes to London.

Do you ever see that?

Yeah.

And Danny Cannon did a similar thing in the film, Young Americans, didn't he?

With Harvey Keitel.

Fish out, water in it, yeah.

Mmm.

Love it.

Yeah, but that's no reason why Richie wouldn't do it.

I think it's a really good idea.

I'm going to put a Yank in for the next film, thanks.

One more.

This is from Mark by text Guy Ritchie, character 101.

He's a safe cracker who only talks in binary code.

Brilliant.

That's good, isn't it?

They've got some characters in Star Trek The Next Generation who are only talking binary code.

I forget what they're called, but I think it's a really good idea.

One more.

This is a really good one.

It's an anonymous text, but a character called The Flutist, a musician who stabs people with a flute.

When they're dying, he plays a tune to them.

Now, I think that guy's missed a trick.

or lady, because I think if you, this is horrible, I'm not suggesting you do this, but in a film, if you attacked someone with a flute and it penetrated their neck, then as they were dying, it would lay attuned, and the killer would do a sick dance.

An insane jig.

People love that kind of thing.

They're more horrible at best.

I think it's a really good idea.

I'm going to put it in the film.

Now, here's a free play for you after this little Sean Keveny trail.

And this I'd like to dedicate to my mother.

It's a bit of Neil Diamond that you'll be hearing in a second.

And I'd like to play it by way of an apology for bad mouthing her about being an insane sort of car killer.

And a threat to bicyclists.

She's not, she's a lovely woman.

And Forever in Blue Jeans, one of Neil Diamond's.

Would she be listening today?

Does she listen to the show?

Yeah, she likes the show.

She started listening.

Hey.

Neil Diamond, Forever in Blue Jeans is one of her favourite songs, one of mine too.

So I hope you enjoy it after this Keveny trail.

We appear to have gone somewhat Radio 2 on your ass, ladies and gentlemen, sorry about that, but in a very good way, I think.

You know, I dare you to, uh, not have enjoyed that bit of Neil Diamond there with Forever in Blue Jeans.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's just gone 11.30, time now for the news.

Oh, that's an absolute smash, isn't it?

Yes.

That's a shouting classic.

Monkey Wrench by the Foo Fighters.

The most desirable man in rock, Dave Grohl.

I'll have a slice, please.

Thank you.

I've just been checking the emails.

I hadn't looked at them for a while, and we've got a huge amount about Phil Collins.

Right.

It's provoked a thunderstorm.

This is what happens.

And it is really quite divided, isn't it, down the middle.

Lots of people

really liking the sound of the Collins, but people really violently taking against him.

I didn't think he'd divide people still.

Well, he thought maybe people would have, you know, got over that kind of division, you know, or that kind of divisive thinking.

For some people, you know, for maybe lazy thinkers, he's a byword for mediocrity.

Well, there's the famous fact that, of course, he's beloved by hip-hoppers.

Right.

And the urban music community.

There's a whole album of covers of Phil Collins' tracks done by very respected R&B artists.

So, you know... He's had more than his fair share of it.

I think maybe he does himself a disservice by being so geezer-ish, you know what I mean?

Right.

Like, I mean, you wouldn't want him to take himself more seriously.

I don't know what the best way to go is if I was advising Phil.

There are pop stars that take themselves a lot more seriously than Phil.

Oh, definitely.

I tell you his problem is he's just not in the public eye anymore.

He's not standing up for himself.

Where's the sequel to Buster?

Where is comic relief appearances?

He used to be part of the fabric of British life, didn't he?

Always turning up on swap shop and BBC things all the time.

Well, he's got his own personal life to take care of.

His daughter was getting married.

I saw some pictures in one of my wife's mags the other day of Collins looking proud and happy and healthy.

So, you know, things are going well in Collinsville.

Well, we're sorry if it shocked you, the playing of Colin's listeners, but... You know, you've got to be in it for the long haul, if you listen to this show, right?

Take the rough with the smooth.

There's a lot of rough.

Exactly.

Anyway, theatre news.

Adam, you love the theatre.

Absolutely adore the theatre.

When was the last time you went to the theatre, seeing as you love it so much?

Oh, um, actually, well, I went sort of relatively recently with my son to see the theatre production of Tin Tin.

Oh, there you go.

That was two years ago.

That was relatively recently, isn't it?

Two years.

Before that.

I went to the theatre last night.

Yes, I went to the theatre.

Now you do love the theatre, because you were seeing Speed the Plow, whatever it was.

Yeah, I didn't see that one.

I like it if it's got a star or amazing stage craft.

I don't like plays that are just talking in touring rooms.

So you went to see Wicked at the Apollo Victoria.

I went to see Sue Pollard in Razzle Dazzle.

No, I made that up.

No, I went to the National Theatre.

Have you heard of the National Theatre?

Yes, I have.

On the South Bank.

It's a wonderful place because it kind of sucks all the posh people out of London, or all the solidly middle class people.

Big posh sponge.

I can see a single non-white face there.

Really?

Seriously, I looked around in the audience before the lights went down.

I saw two non-white people in the whole auditorium.

I'm not saying that's a good thing in any way.

That's a bad thing.

But it's interesting that it does siphon off a very kind of middle-class section of society is the point I'm making.

Well, it just happens to be to appeal to that section of society.

Yeah.

So much so that I was sat down in my seat.

I was seeing this play The War Horse, which is incredible.

Oh, yeah.

I guarantee you'd love it if you went to see it.

Amazing puppetry.

But I was sitting down, as I was sitting down, various posh bumbling middle class people were sitting down around me.

And a man had a middle aged man with white hair, had a little, almost a little tumble on the stairs.

So he had to hold on to the banister to steady himself.

And he said, oh, Crivens.

Nice.

Yes.

I haven't heard that word used in public ever before, I think.

No.

But that speaks of the crowd the National Theatre attracts, doesn't it?

Someone using crivens?

Absolutely.

I should come back.

Criminy.

Criminy jicket.

It was an amazing play, though.

It's a sort of classic horsey tale, a bit like the Black Stallion or... Is it in the First World War or the Second World War?

Yeah, the First World War.

It's a little foal that gets bought by a hard-up farmer and his son sort of brings the foal up.

And then it gets, uh, sequestered for the army and ends up being a horse in the First World War.

Well, you know, or it's like that Bresson film, O'Hazard Balthazar, yeah?

Oh, I love it.

About the donkey.

A movie about an animal that goes through various groups of humans and you get little portraits of the humans and some of them are evil, some of them are nice, but the animal remains aloof and kind of noble through whatever rubbish the humans put them through.

Yes, yes.

A bit like that.

But the horses are done with, uh, amazing sort of wooden maquette puppets.

Is that the right word?

I don't know.

A maquette is like a little model.

Yeah, they're like a kind of framework model operated by three people.

And it's marionette.

A marionette is a puppet with strings.

Yeah.

More like maquettes, I think.

Everything all right?

Okay and uh sorry and uh yeah anyway it's amazing and I recommend you see it they're operated by three people these horses uh and they're operating the ears and the eyes and and the precise reaction to everything on the stage at all time and they are they are they just wearing black like they're standing next to it and operating it or they beneath the stage they're dressed like the brilliant thing is they're dressed like like like um animal hands do you know what I mean like in flat caps like farm hands but they never take their eyes off the puppet so it looks as if

They're handling a real animal.

It looks as if they're just coaxing this real animal through a performance.

So real is their operating of the puppet.

It's amazing.

Wow.

I nearly had an emotional breakdown about two minutes in.

Crivvans.

When the fowl came out, I so nearly cried my breasts off.

Yeah.

That's brilliant, man.

I'd love to go and see that.

It's very good.

I'm not allowed in, though, because I'm too street.

Really?

Yeah.

That's true, isn't it?

Yeah, I'll be down skateboarding around there, but I wouldn't go and see the theatre, because that's... The sun should do one of those things where they offer prizes, like they did with the opera the other week, you know?

To get real people into the theatre.

Get a wider diversity of cultural tourists in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, people are missing out if they're not seeing it, hey, obviously.

I just said that.

Well done.

As a thing to say.

Now, this is your choice, Joe, that you've got coming up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is it gonna be?

Well, it's another little... We're not exactly going for the indie classics this week, are we?

Yeah.

Is this a good idea?

A couple of weeks ago, I was mentioning The Mr. Men, and I sang a bit from Mr. Bump, and someone called John III sent in, burnt off the album for me.

I haven't had that since I was a kid.

Does this mean anything to you, Adam?

Yeah, absolutely.

Does it?

Yeah, well you were talking about it, weren't you?

But did you have the Mr. Men as a kid?

Uh, no, I said that my dad strongly disapproved of all the men.

Really?

He hated them.

He had an irrational loathing of them.

I think, I don't know what his problem was, I think he thought they were just sort of simple-minded or something.

and that his children should not be exposed to them.

So every time he came in and he caught me, it was like a guilty pleasure.

It was like having a little porn mag there, a little Mr. Man book.

He'd come in and he'd go, oh, the Mr. Man!

That rubbish!

I don't know if he'd been like in a fight with... Who was the guy that... Roger Hargreeves.

Roger Hargreeves and my dad had a dust-up, or I don't know what, but he loathed all the men in the world of the Mr.

Really?

Well then, in that case, this is for him.

This is for Nigel Buxton, Bad Dad, and it's... What's it called?

Is it called Let's Go to Mr Land?

Yes.

Yeah, kick it.

I went to Mr Land to have a look-see.

It's a mystery tree.

Mr Fields, Mr Trees.

It's Mr. Time!

It really is a pan time!

How long's it going Claire?

Another minute.

You know what it sounds like?

Stackridge.

It sounds like a kind of George Martin production.

You can imagine Paul McCartney working on that.

So let's go to Mr. Land of Man.

This is sick music, man.

I know.

It's eclectic.

It is eclectic.

I forgot.

Thank you very much, John III, King John III, who sent that to me.

Doesn't he rule North Korea?

That's King Kim Jong.

I don't know how you get confused, but thanks a lot.

King Jong Hill.

The people of North Korea.

He's ill in.

No, that's very nice of you to burn that off.

I'm talking to King Jong.

Right.

Right now.

But don't do it again.

Oh, come on.

That was good.

It was not real.

It was great.

That's what you want on a Saturday morning.

Phil Collins and the Mr. Man.

It's what the six music listeners are crying out for.

It's the six music formula for success.

It's six music for six-year-old success.

We've got another Guy Garvey trail.

Well, is it the same one?

You can't play the same trail twice in the same show, surely.

Something's going wrong there.

I mean, it's a fantastic trail for a wonderful guy, and it's great to celebrate his deserved success.

I want to hear it again.

Let's hear it again then.

Mercury Prize award-winning stuff there from Elbow and The Bones of You.

Salomon Joe on BBC Six Music.

It's pretty much the end of our show.

It is, isn't it?

Are we going to have time to wrap up textination?

Yeah, let's have a couple more just to send it off.

Okay, here's an email that is suggesting the plot for the next Guy Ritchie film.

He should do a film about a depressed 40-ish film director called Tarquin, who married a singer who was 10 years older and much more famous than him.

They didn't have much in common, and the film director thinks that she only married him so that she could get opportunities to resurrect her failed acting career.

He tried to do this, but the film he cast her in was terrible.

His careers now in decline and he's not trendy anymore.

Radio DJs and comedians take the Mickey out of him a lot.

He has rouse all the time with his wife.

She won't let him go to his favourite pubs in the East End and makes him stay home and look after their children, Ferenguola and Martinique.

Resentment builds.

He loses his mind and plots to kill her in his new film deliberately by accident in a horse riding incident.

That's it.

It would be a bit like that Vincent Price film where the actor bumps off his critics or maybe an episode of Colombo.

I think it's a really good idea to put it in the next film.

I don't think it's very believable though.

That's the only thing.

I don't think that would really happen but I do like it.

It's a good idea.

I'm going to put it in the film.

And finally, Ian Bridgeman says, Hi guys, I would like to see Chris Salt in a Guy Ritchie movie.

He would be quiet and unassuming, but feared.

The rumour is that he once killed a man with a part of a Lego Technics dinosaur.

He would be played by Alan Cumming, I think.

That's a good idea, I'm going to put it in the film.

And you know the other idea that Ritchie could apply himself to, of course.

Stephen!

Yes.

Oh, we wouldn't want that in his hands.

You reckon?

No.

He'd do it justice.

No, of course he would.

We want Brett Ratner or... Brett Ratner or Mcgee.

Really?

On that one, yeah.

Is Mcgee still working?

Yeah, he's doing Terminator 4.

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank you very much indeed for all your suggestions, for textination there.

Thanks for listening, and we're sorry if we've traumatised you with some of the musical choices this morning.

Yeah, we'll try and get a bit hipper next week.

Actually, you're away next week, aren't you?

It's going to be Garth Jennings, the wonderful Garth Jennings.

You're out to...

Los Angeles, again, doing a bit of globe-hopping, trotting, and yes, Garth is going to come in, and I think Garth and I are going to try and get it together to do a song for... That would be great.

...for you listeners.

What's the status on the wedding situation?

Has anyone come back to us about that?

Yes, we've had quite a few emails about the wedding, but the lady who texted us first, was she called Emma?

Yeah.

She is asserting her right to first dibs.

Right, okay.

So we're going to have to have a discussion about that.

We'll sort that out, we'll print some of them out.

Don't forget listeners, you can listen to this whole show again if you want to via Listen Again on the BBC6 Music website, you can listen to it on the iPlayer, and you can download the filleted podcast with special new bits from about 6 o'clock on Sunday night from all major digital outlets.

Not many new bits, we should say.

Like a little intro and outro.

Plus you get some jingles in there.

We're not allowed to put more in.

We'd like to, but it's against the rules of the castle.

You get chopped off, your head chopped off if you do that.

Thanks for listening.

We hope you have a great Saturday.

Liz Kershaw is coming up, so stay tuned.

Right now, we're gonna leave you with a session from the Zutons.

Have a great week.

Bye!

Bye.

Oh, that's Ben Folds.

It was going so well.

I was talking really fast and everything was gonna be fine.

We had the Zutons, didn't we?

Did we?

Oh, I know, it's all going wrong now.

See, it was all going... She should've just ignored me and played Ben Folds.

Here's a band with music.

Rockin' the suburbs.

Bye!