The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (23 August 2008)

to the big British castle.

It's time for Adam and Jo to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in between, and then the

Hola, fiesta, arriba!

Congratulations!

Thank you very much, why?

Oh you've won!

What have I won?

You've won this free pass!

I love it!

For three hours of radio free!

Oh!

It's free and there will be music.

Who DJ?

Two men.

They're not very good.

They don't have proper training.

I love that.

I'm now Italian.

I don't know what I am.

Are you from... Hey, you know a film I saw this week?

No, I'm launching into a subject.

Go on.

We should say who we are.

Shouldn't we?

Hello.

My name's Joe.

I'm Adam.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music.

Can I just say quickly?

Go on then.

Credit crunch.

I love it.

Thanks.

Keep going.

Delicious.

Carry on talking.

So zero percent inflation.

Yeah.

The nation's ground to a halt.

It's the... it's Apokolipto.

Keep talking, though.

I saw this Dana Carvey film this week, The Master of Disguise.

Oh, why?

And he plays a guy called Pistachio in it, which reminded me of The Voice, you know?

Yes, that's a famously awful film.

Well, I thought... I saw it was £3 in a hardware shop.

It was his big attempt to out Meyers Meyers.

He even does a joke about Meyers.

Does he?

It was a flopo.

I remember Jonathan Ross on film 1822.

Yeah.

Laying into that.

2002 it came out.

Really?

There you go.

I bet you they made it just before the world changed.

It's another subject.

That program, Film 2008.

Yeah.

It's difficult if you're referring to old issues.

You have to get the year right, don't you?

It's very confusing.

It's a difficult program to pop into casual conversation.

Man, we're skidding around from topic to topic, aren't we?

It's kind of like a selection pack, a pick and mix, a preview.

Yeah.

I just had the image of skidding around from topic to topic and I was thinking, that's delicious.

You know, you have one topic, yum, yum, yum, on to the next one.

Hazelnut in every bite, yum, skid on to the next one.

Anyway, listen, folks, stick with us for the next two hours, 55 minutes.

We've got great music and we're going to be talking about interesting.

We need your help this week because we haven't done a song wars in a while.

We've had some problems.

We'll explain later.

So all that to come.

But right now, here's the mighty muse with plugin baby.

That's Muse with plug-in baby.

That's a revolting concept.

An electric baby.

Why would you need an electric baby?

Plug-in the baby?

I don't know.

I mean, unless you were using it like the drones from the Matrix as a source of power.

Right, you were draining the youthful energy from your baby to top up your withered frame.

Or your phone.

Or your phone, just to top up your phone.

Because if it's only a small baby... It's true, you can power some electrical implements from an orange.

Right.

And there's more going on in a baby than an orange, isn't there?

You could power a telly with a baby, you would think.

Just with the methane alone.

Yeah, exactly, because they've got an awful lot of energy, most babies, you know.

So that's something to think about.

Anyway, this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Beautiful morning in London town.

Whoa, it's so beautiful.

You've got some texts and messages there, Jo.

We've got a couple.

I'm going through them.

We're going to do a correspondence corner in a bit, but let's start you off with this one, listeners.

It's Song Wars week this week, but

uh we are sad to announce that there is no song wars because at about uh 9 30 yesterday evening Adam and I had a text exchange in which we both came clean that we were having such a miserable time trying to do it we were writing peace songs

We were just torturing ourselves.

I'd started to and abandoned both for being unplayable.

Unlistenable.

How did yours start?

What was the best one like?

It's hard to say what the best one was.

It was sort of a folk-y thing.

But it just sounded sort of sincere.

and icky.

And then there was another one that was kind of aliens singing to the planet Earth about not getting in trouble, but that was awful as well.

That's a good idea.

That was a dirge.

Well, it's difficult to be glib about world peace, isn't it?

Because it would be nice if there was world peace.

But when you start being glib about it, you get into all sorts of difficult areas, don't you?

Exactly.

So we gave up.

We mutually agreed to give up.

Yeah.

Although we should bring in our efforts next week anyway.

Mine are very short.

Yeah, well that would be funny.

Let's just play like 10 seconds off them.

So we'd like from you listeners, and this isn't Text the Nation.

That'll be happening in about an hour or 45 minutes time.

But we'd love your suggestions for song wars, particularly an idea for something where the lyrics are found, thereby making it easier for us.

Like before we sang the lyrics to the IKEA Meatballs song.

Yeah.

The IKEA Meatballs cooking instructions.

And that worked very well.

That was enjoyable because you got a place to start then.

Couldn't anybody out there think of a similar idea, some kind of found text?

And it has to mean something to everybody, like we've thought before of just having listeners send in lyrics.

But there's something a bit exclusive about that.

Yeah, it's difficult.

As soon as you get into people's poetry and their own lyrics, it becomes insane in an unhelpful way.

So, yeah, it could be like a review of a film or an advert, text from an advert, or something that you've found, you know what I mean?

Or if you've got a favourite show or something that you think needs a new theme song, something that would unite the listenership in amusement.

Yeah.

But we want lyrics, though, don't we, specifically?

Yeah, would be nice to have some actual lyrics.

Anything that just gives us a start, something to go on.

Yeah, exactly.

The text is, the text number is 64046, the email, as ever, adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk, and we'd really appreciate some clever ideas for that, because we're running out.

How long has it been now?

About three weeks?

About three weeks.

Well, since the last song wars.

I mean, but we're both very busy doing... You've got all sorts of deadlines, Joe, on Moving House.

It's been a tough week.

It's upside down.

It's upside down, your head.

It's not a very good excuse, though, is it?

So anyway, listeners, we'd appreciate your help, though.

Right now, it's more music time.

This is my free choice, listeners, and this popped up on my MP3 player from the last Kennickel Brothers album, I think, which was called We Are The Night.

You can fire it off here, Claire, because it's got a little intro.

no no no this is not the correct song although I'll tell you what let's just play that one we can find that we can find the chemical brothers later that is a good one I was thinking about playing that one anyway that is the zombies with a track called this will be our year which is on their compilation that came out recently and it is wicked so let's just play that instead you popped it out he's popped the CD out now

Come on, pop it in.

Music, please.

Here we go.

What are we having?

Let's go back to the Chemical Brothers in that case.

There we go.

Yeah, this is from their album, We Are The Night, and it's sort of a drippy epic, and it's called The Pills Won't Help You Now, I think.

And it's got a guest vocalist on there, and he sounds like maybe he's from some sort of fae, Indian American whiny group, like the Postal Service or something.

I'm not sure who it is, singing.

I can't believe you're talking this far into the track.

Well, it's a long intro.

You can hear there's just noises going on there.

No one likes us.

Here we go, though.

Chemical Brothers.

Basement.

Nick Knox.

Toys, games, video games.

Nick Knox.

And Nick Knox.

Oh, good.

That was the Chemical Brothers from their album We Are The Night with the Pills Won't Help You Now.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.

Good morning.

We would like to send a message out to Chris Salt, our fantastic Video Wars winner.

Chris, we've just discovered that nobody here at the castle has bothered to get in touch with you about coming in to visit the show.

Some people might have in their mind an image of the big British castle being a very organised, sort of bureaucratic place where things are done carefully and efficiently.

It's chaos here.

Well, we're all, it's all upside down handovers.

It's silly season.

Our producer Jude left last week.

Everyone's on holiday.

Handover happening there and people are on holiday.

But we're gonna be, Chris, we're gonna be in touch with you very soon and arrange a time for you to have an exciting big day out in London.

You can go to Hamleys, you can visit Funland, maybe we'll give you a couple of quid towards Ripley's new, believe it or not, at the Droghedero.

We'll show you some of the buildings that are being built, this one right opposite our studio.

We'll show you where all the Skaggies hang out.

We'll show you London's stinkiest alleys.

All those exciting things to look forward to.

Some other people have complained that, and I'm only merely reporting, that when Chris was on the phone, our video wars winner, who did such an amazing video, when he was on the phone, some people are a bit jealous that he wasn't sort of gushy enough.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, if you call a commercial radio station, one that takes adverts, and you win a competition, they expect you to go mental.

Well, they prime you on the phone before they say like, go nuts if there's any way you can go completely nuts and shout.

Yes, scream and just sound as if it's the most amazing thing ever to happen to you to win two tickets to Billy Elliot.

And people go mad.

We don't do that sort of thing on this show.

No.

We keep it real.

We still live in the ghetto where we were born.

Exactly.

Like Ice Cube.

We let them behave they want to.

We just pitch about them afterwards.

Do we?

Yeah, that's what we're doing now.

Alright.

So we prefer it that Chris is a man of modesty.

a man who likes to control his emotions, who knows what's going on inside his head, just because he was very cool and seemingly unexcited about coming in overtly, doesn't mean inside he wasn't.

Maybe he was terribly nervous.

He was pleased, he was really pleased.

But not all people express themselves in a kind of shallow game show way.

That's what I was saying.

They should, though.

The world would be a better place if they did.

Anyway, we're going to get on the phone.

We might even get on the phone with him this morning and figure out when he's going to come in and be our buddy, even though now he's probably going to come in with a knife.

Now it's trail time.

Here's one for Steve LaMac.

There you go.

That's Morrissey with That's How People Grow Up, if you didn't realize how people grow up.

Now you do.

That's a short instructional song that Morrissey wrote about it for your listening pleasure.

Now, Joe Cornish, you're obviously very pleased about Team GB.

I mean, it's been such an exciting week for me as a big sports fan.

Team GB are really the only good thing that's happening in the country at the moment.

What with, as I mentioned earlier, the credit crunch, the fact that the growth in this country has gone to 0%.

What, personal growth?

No, just growth as a whole.

You know what I'd really like to see on the news?

What?

Is footage of some sort of production line.

Yeah.

Maybe milk bottles.

Yeah.

And a big zero percent over it.

Right.

You know, superimposed over it.

Just to hammer home the fact that there's been no growth.

I thought you meant like footage of an actual production line as it stops.

That would have been even better.

They didn't have that footage otherwise they would

have played it.

No, and then or factory doors closing that kind of thing.

But Team GB are a glowing, miraculous light in the darkness, aren't they?

They're a flaming beacon of sporting hope.

However, how many of Team GB can you name?

I mean, both Joe and I are unusual in being extremely non-sporty.

Jonathan Runcent.

Runcent.

Jonathan Runcent.

He's the middleweight hurdler.

Yeah.

Theresa Tripp.

What does she do?

She's a middleweight hurdler as well.

Right.

Do you have middleweight hurdlers?

You do now.

Does the weight matter?

No, I don't know any of them.

I tell you who I do know.

Do you not know a single one?

There's the lady that looks like a dolphin.

Right.

There's her.

The bottlenose lady.

Bottlenose Bettina.

Well, I mean, who's the most famous one?

The most famous one is the guy that's winning loads.

No, the most famous one is the Jamaican one, Bolt.

That's a good, memorable name, because he runs like one.

Lightning Bolt.

Phelps is the American one.

Yeah.

He's got all the goals.

Must know one from Team GB.

Oh, yes, I do.

Little Tommy Tinkerbell.

The diver.

Little Toddy Pipkins, the ten-year-old diver.

Runny Runbot.

Good luck, Toddy.

I've been learning a lot about diving.

What about Christina O'Hooroo?

No.

You know her?

She's the lady that... She?

She looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger in total weightlifter.

After he's popped out onto the planet and there's no atmosphere.

Really?

And it's the moment he's about to explode.

Exactly.

What does she do?

She's the one, she won gold for the 400 metres, was it?

Running.

Yeah, she was running all over the place.

She's brilliant.

She's the only one I know.

Well, I miss that bit.

Because she looks like... It's hard to, there's so much of it, it's hard to keep in touch with all of it.

I like, you know, if they have a look that it's reminiscent of some Arnold Schwarzenegger film, it just makes it stick in your mind a little bit more.

With the diving, what's critical is that you don't make any splash.

Right.

Do you ever get called out, you sit in there watching it with your partner and you go, oh, that was really good.

and then it gets no points.

And you realise you don't have the criteria with which to judge it.

I was like that with the diving a bit.

Apparently you mustn't make any splash at all.

The less splash the better.

And that's because the Olympic diving rules originated from a time when people had to stealth dive into underwater cities and to raid them.

It stems from the time of Atlantis when actually that was a war skill.

to dive with minimum splash.

Yeah, that's amazing.

There might be something on the news about that.

Possibly.

It's time now for the news read by Catherine Cracknell.

Reverend and the makers there with heavyweight champion of the world.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.

Yeah, hello.

We've been asking you listeners to send in ideas for song wars because we've run out of them.

How many have we done now?

Well, there were 24 on our first compilation album type thing.

How many after that?

We've done at least another 10 each since then.

34.

Something like that.

yeah that's quite a lot of bad ideas we've had we've run out of bad ideas so i mean we we've made like 60 songs or something right yeah i wouldn't really call them songs so well they technically are noises are they love them are really they are all songs whether they're any good or not of course is moot yeah like um

You know, maybe about 10 in total of those are good.

It's reached a point, though, where sort of parity's been achieved, right?

For season one, can I call it season one of Song Wars?

I was winning a lot.

Volume one.

Maybe justly, maybe unjustly.

And so, you know, I feel quite proud of my contribution to Song Wars volume one.

Volume two, the table's turned.

The only songs I'm really proud of are Dr. Sexy and my Quantum of Solace song.

rest of it i'm quite ashamed of and you've won pretty much consistently i was listening to your birthday song again the other day why it's not as bad as you made it out you know it's guy i could see where you were going with it oh really you can give me some advice anyway the point is listeners we've kind of run out of ideas

Last week we decided we'd do a song for World Peace in a very sort of casual way at the end of the show.

Only when we got home in front of our garage band Computers did we realise that we'd bitten off more than we could chew.

I had some all worked out on my guitar.

If I could find an acoustic guitar around here, I'd play you a little bit.

Well, have a look.

There might be one in the hub out there.

OK.

So we'd been asking you for your suggestions of things to do Song Wars on.

Here's some that have come in by text.

John in Gates says, the safety announcement on a plane.

That's a good idea.

That's a very good idea.

because it's dry and people don't pay attention to it.

On Virgin, they've got a sort of... Well, they don't.

As much as you tell them, even though they say, if you're a frequent flyer, please do pay attention because the safety bits might be in a different place.

Or something a bit like that, they say, don't they?

Yeah.

You know, I'm proud of not paying attention.

You know why?

Because you've seen Fight Club.

Because people around me, it makes people around me know I'm a frequent flyer.

Right.

Look, he's not watching.

That's not what they're thinking.

Isn't it?

They're thinking I'm an irresponsible idiot.

He's irresponsible!

If anything happens to this plane, he's gonna be the one panicking, not knowing what to do.

When's the exit?

Oh god!

We're gonna be tripping over him.

You know, it might not be a landing on water, it might just be an accidental, um, full start on the tarmac.

It's a bad topic to talk about though, I've just realised.

Here's another suggestion from Joe.

He or she says, could you do a song based on today's weather report?

Would that be good?

Well, we need the actual weather report.

I don't think that would be that good.

No.

How about, and this is my favorite one from Nicola, how about the Neighbours theme tune?

Well, that's a good idea.

So she's suggesting a new Neighbours theme tune.

What about the Blue Peter theme tune?

They changed that the whole time.

Blue Peter gets changed all the time.

Doctor Who gets renewed, doesn't it?

But is the tune the same still for Blue Peter?

I.e.

is it still level and pipe or whatever it's called?

It's probably some kind of street dance remix.

But it's still essentially the same tune.

It's not like Grange Hill where they had a completely different tune.

Yeah, grained chills cancelled now, so that would be a pointless enterprise.

I know but that was we did a new blue beta theme Sorry to keep interrupting.

I'm excited.

Yeah, but if we put lyrics to it, yes, they might use it Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do with still that same tune, right?

Could be it could be a variant.

Oh my gosh shit is That kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, obviously that's a bad start

But, um, and you're taking Blue Peter over Neighbours, are you?

I don't know.

My mind's just going all over the place.

But Neighbours would be good as well, because they changed that, didn't they?

Is it even a song anymore?

It must still be the same.

Yeah.

We're out of touch with Student and Tea Time Telly.

Who was it?

Tony Hatch did the Neighbours theme, I think?

Something like that.

That's quite a good idea.

Some more suggestions include, how about a song about all the rooms in Jet Set Willy for the ZX Spectrum, says Ricardo and Edinburgh.

That would be fun for Ricardo and Edinburgh, but baffling for everybody else.

Stu in bed in Henley says, how about putting the Lord's Prayer to music?

That's not a bad idea.

I don't know.

Again, if we were irreverent with that, that might insult some people and break some castle rules.

Somebody else says... What about the Quran?

No one could get offended by that.

That's true.

That's a good idea.

You do that next week.

I'll drop out of that.

Anyway, keep the ideas coming in.

64046.

I think a new theme song for a BBC programme would be good because then we wouldn't get in copyright trouble.

Right.

If it's a famous BBC show, it's a shame that Grangell's been cancelled.

I like the Neighbour's idea.

Yeah?

Because we haven't watched it for a while and we could easily watch it.

Exactly.

And make some snap judgments.

Some ill-informed judgments.

Yeah, that could be a go.

Keep them coming in, though.

64046.

And now, here's the... We're playing the heck out of this track, aren't we?

Is this a hit?

Is this riding high in the charts, or is it not even out yet?

Well, one way or another, you're gonna hear Love Is Noise again by the verb.

Here it is.

We're trying to figure out what the noise is there.

I mean, I'm obsessed by that noise.

We discussed already that it might be his love noise.

The noise he makes when he's engaged in, uh, coitus.

Spade face, this is what we're talking about.

Making love to maybe a, uh... If, uh-ho.

Yeah, exactly.

Do you think they came up with the noise first?

Yeah, I would think so.

And built the track around it.

Alright, Richard!

Listen, I've got a notice!

Come here!

Look, Richard!

What's going on?

Where's he from?

I don't know there, where you said he was.

If you look at pictures of Richard Ashcroft and the Verve, is he still with the Verve or is he soloing?

Yeah, he just played the Verve for goodness sake.

Come on, come on.

Catch up.

Catch up with me if you can.

When you look at pictures of him and the band, they're always arranged so he's in front, obviously.

Yeah.

And the guys behind look angry.

You know, they may not even be behind.

The thing is that Spadeface is so giant, he might be about eight feet behind them and he's still towering above them.

Well, no, he's definitely in front in the photo I saw and they just didn't look happy about it.

Do you have a look at photos of bands like that and see how the photographers positioned them and imagine the moment in the room when the photographer said, you're Steve, you just step out in front a little bit and Tony just moved behind.

No one says anything but inside they're going...

Absolutely.

Yeah.

You must have spoken to bands about that kind of thing.

I know I have.

I've talked to her because I'm obsessed by that sort of thing.

Really?

And I've spoken to a couple of people in bands, you know, a couple of bassists, a couple of drummers who really annoyed about their positioning and had that conversation.

One particular guy I'm thinking of from quite a well-known band.

I'm obviously not going to say which.

And he went off on one, one afternoon, I was chatting to him and he said, yeah, it was a pretty bleak time, I must say, at one point.

And there was this photo that came out, it was a big photo, and I was right on the edge.

And everyone else was like really far from, you can hardly see me, I was miles at the back and the photographer said, yeah, go and stand like way down there in the road, it'll look really cool.

And I said, no, really, am I gonna have to stand, I always have to stand at the back.

They do, they hate it.

I wonder what, I wonder, listeners could send in some suggestions with a photo file if they could of album covers where one member of the band comes off really badly.

It's clearly miffed.

Yeah.

Do you think they exist?

Have a look at photos of the Verve, because I don't think they're a happy bunch.

I think Ashcroft is just too prominent.

But then you get the other... I didn't even know he was still with them.

I thought they just happened to be in the background stalking him for residuals.

And I think it's even one of the other guys that writes all the songs and stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

But sometimes bands go the other way.

So you get someone like Russell Crowe who makes a big song and dance out of the fact that he's not.

Oh, I see that he actually wants to blend into the band or Keanu Reeves.

Exactly.

When the focal point is so obvious, so someone like Russell Crowe has a vanity project like what they call 40-odd foot of grunts or whatever the band is called.

Or if it's a famous band whose lead singer has died and they've had to replace them or something.

Unless they're still touring.

Right.

And then the guy at the front is not the guy you really want to see.

Like Paul Rodgers with Queen.

Right, there you go.

Yeah, but it looks strange.

You can see that too much thought has gone into the whole thing.

Here's some music.

Now, this is your free choice, Joe.

Yeah, this is an artist called Dudley Perkins.

He also records under the name of Declaim.

I haven't got any of his records under the name of Declaim, but I just read that factoid.

And all his stuff's produced by Madlib.

And this is very nice.

It's called Come Here, My Dear.

Mmm, good stuff.

I almost love you as much as that music.

It's a little bit insulting.

That was Dudley Perkins with Come Here, My Dear.

Very nice indeed.

Thanks very much.

That mellowed me right out.

Now, listen, I was moving this week.

I've got some moving tales for you later on in the show.

That's exciting, isn't it?

But in the process of moving, one of the things I had to do was hire a car.

Do you like hiring cars?

I don't like the process of hiring them, but when I'm in them, I love it.

You know, it depends on who you hire them from, obviously, because I've had some very bad experiences with certain car hire companies.

There's a place down the road

from us we've talked about before and you can be there for a couple of hours before anyone talks to you and then when you're returning the thing it might take even longer should we discuss this before possibly but anyway I tried a different one this week well I won't say the name of the company I will call it instead Colonel Kurtz

It doesn't bode well.

No, you would think not.

But I was very pleased.

Really?

With Kurtz.

And it was enjoyable.

But one of the things I noticed on the wall while I was waiting, not very long, to be served, was a poster advertising the fact that you can hire cars from them, and I'm sure you can do this in most rental companies, that come with DVDs in the back of the seats for the kiddies in the room.

Right, little telescreens.

Little telescreens.

And you can put your DVD on there and pacify the kiddos, which is great for a long journey.

But they had, they'd kind of framed the advertisement for this service like a film poster, you know?

Clever.

So they had, I was struck by the cleverness.

And it said, Kurtz, in-car DVD system, now showing in a Kurtz car near you, like a film poster, in big capitals.

And then beneath that, they'd done fake review quotes from what I assume was a made-up family that had been using this car.

So the first one was just five stars in quotes from the Hobson family.

Right.

So they talked to the Hobson family and they just said, we're going to give it, we've talked about it, we're going to give the in-car system five stars, but I don't want you to put the word five stars, I want you to do it with just asterisks.

Yeah, that's how the Hobson's rate things.

Exactly.

The Hobson's rate things on a star level.

They're very specific.

They've recently gone up to six stars.

Have they?

They very seldom use the six, but it's important it's there just in case something extra special comes along.

Like Time Out.

That's what makes Time Out so special for the intellectuals, because they use the extra star.

They've got a different rating system.

Then there were specific reviews from some of the Hobson family.

Show, aged 9, said, I never wanted it to end.

Right.

That's unusual because kids usually can't wait to get there.

Exactly.

Joe never wanted it to end because he was having such a good time with it.

He'd be happy if there was a nuclear Armageddon and his family just spent their whole time driving around.

We don't care.

If that people were just fighting in the streets for oil, the one precious commodity left, dad tricked out the car with various knives and guns and they just spent their lives roaming the derelict streets of post-apocalyptic Britain.

He wouldn't care.

He'd still be watching cars on the in-car DVD system there.

It would be a little bit like, what's that incredibly bleak film by the guy that directed The Green Mile and... Oh, The Mist.

The Mist.

The end of The Mist.

It would be like The Mist, with him just watching cars on his in-car DVD system.

So Joe, aged 9, loved it.

I never wanted it to end.

Abby, aged 39, presumably the mother of the Hobson family.

I know, she's the older daughter.

Anyway, she said, the kids loved it.

right they absolutely loved it the kids loved it she was very pleased about it she's not a very bright woman why not because she's just covering old ground i mean that was made clear by joe's rating wasn't it exactly i mean the kids obviously loved it mum anyway you can't hold stuff like that against mums they're so busy they haven't got time to plus think what's she what's her problem with it

Why didn't she love it?

Because of what they were watching.

You know, could she not just go round and sit between them and watch a bit of cars herself?

She wasn't driving.

Abby never drives.

They weren't watching cars.

Were they not?

No, that doesn't entertain kids these days.

Right.

Horror porn.

They were watching, so fine.

She finds it disgusting.

Well, Natalie, aged seven, the youngest member of the Hobson family, says... Ah, look at that, Nat.

Yeah, she says, pure entertainment.

Right.

Now, is that really something a seven year old said?

She's not talking about the in-car system.

She's talking about smack.

Right.

Some really high-grade smack she got in the playground.

She's the youngest junkie of the Hobson family.

No, that's not true.

She's not talking about smack.

She's not talking about that.

She's talking about the in-car DVD system, but she's using the phrase pure entertainment.

Yeah, she's fed up with impure entertainment.

Is that how children really talk these days?

They like purity.

They're like little Nazis.

Did you like Kung Fu Panda, Tommy?

Pure entertainment!

Five stars!

I never wanted it to end!

That is how they talk.

Yeah.

Have you seen Kung Fu Panda?

Yeah.

It's all right, isn't it?

It's wicked.

It's getting amazing reviews.

It deserves them.

Yeah.

It is wicked.

Well, it's not that wicked.

The bit where he's breaking out of the prison.

I wanted it to end.

Did you?

Yeah.

You want to get an in-car DVD system.

That'll change.

It actually changes the films.

Now, here is an exciting trail.

And then after that, we have a session track for you recorded in the Hub.

It's the Caesars.

But first, here's the trail.

Yeah, that's Eda Maria with I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked.

This is Adam and Joe here at BBC Six Music.

It's a beautiful sunny morning here in old London town.

And we are naked.

So you better like us a bit better.

Yeah, exactly.

That song is taken from her debut album, Fortress Around My Heart, which was released last month.

Fantastic.

Have you got it yet?

Of course.

Good, good, good.

Favourite track on there?

Fortress Around My Heart.

The title track?

Yes!

If there is one.

Now, you don't subscribe to The Week magazine, do you?

No, but it's a very popular magazine, one of the few magazines whose circulations went up in the recent, I don't know what they call them, magazine ratings.

The gossip mags are going down, Heat magazine's taken a big hit.

Is it?

Sows Q, Empire's up though, and The Week is up.

Right.

Well, if you don't know, it's a kind of a digest of all the... It's for people who can't be bothered to read the papers or watch the news every day, right?

Exactly.

It's popular with DJs, and I get it.

Even though I don't read it, I buy something else that condenses the most important parts of the week into a tiny pamphlet.

Really?

The Beano?

It's called the Extremely Weak.

Adam's holding that magazine and it's in such a state as it can only live in your toilet.

It does, yeah.

It does.

It's weird how magazines that live in the toilet just get, well they look as if they've been damp and dry again.

Well I read it in the bar.

Yeah, so the edges get a little bit damp and then I have to dry them out with a hair dryer.

Really?

And then I iron it.

Yeah, I've ironed it very well.

It's a little wrinkled.

But I was struck by a sort of little editorial.

In fact, this guy Jeremy O'Grady is in fact the editor-in-chief of The Week.

And he writes a strangely candid confession at the front of this about the fact, inspired by the fact that Boris Johnson recently was at Gatwick Airport and was unable to find his luggage.

His luggage has gone missing and it was on the news apparently though.

Boris Johnson was stood there and was upset about it, as people are when their luggage goes missing.

Bojo apparently said, we stood in hell.

Erm, about hit the experience.

And Jeremy O'Grady, editor of The Week, says, No.

Two hours later, ringed by three Uzi-clad policemen with forearms, the size of fire extinguishers, I was given the usual grilling.

He's honestly used to doing this kind of thing.

In brackets, why do they always want to know your mother's maiden name?

Oh, Grady basically just goes from one confrontation to another and ends up being threatened by Uzi...

Uzi toting cops asking his mother's maiden name.

Five hours after landing, I was let off with a caution for trespassing.

I finally went through customs, still minus my luggage.

I mean, that, I would say, is on the extreme end of a little confrontation, wouldn't you think?

What did the guy do to provoke a physical attack, I wonder?

He was just fed up with his bags going missing, maybe for the umpteenth time.

You know?

And he thought, right, this time I'm going to vault over the desk and grapple the guy to the ground.

Because that will almost certainly have no serious consequences in an airport.

You know what I mean?

If Peter Buck and What's Your Man from the Stone Roses go to prison for about five years for just swearing at someone on a plane, what are you doing vaulting over after?

He got off lightly.

I would never physically attack someone if I was in a situation like that when a service that I'd paid for hadn't been adequately delivered.

And maybe the person that should be delivering it was being a bit surly.

I would use my passive-aggressive powers.

Do you know what I mean?

My Paddington Bear powers.

Just some really well timed stairs.

Do you think some deeply sarcastic half sentences do you think you're gonna get the same are you gonna get results though?

I mean, this is the thing I the guy didn't get any results so great He didn't get his bags back, but he did have the satisfaction of having landed a lamp Which sometimes is what you want because not to be encouraged though.

Absolutely.

No.

No, you'll go to prison especially in the airport I mean that I just can't believe that that seems to suggest that things are a bit more lax

and lackadaisical than I'd thought in Great Britain.

You're just allowed the opening of a fight.

Right.

You're allowed the initial launch and both of you on the ground.

I don't think he got very far before the Uzi got through it.

That's good to know, isn't it?

You'll get led off with a caution if you do the jump and the pullback with the arm.

He grappled him.

I think it went beyond the pullback.

Grappling's all right.

Grappling?

A little scuffle.

Really?

Yeah, he had him on the ground.

He was pulling his shirt and stuff and ruffling his hair and maybe he may have got his knees and sat on his arms and done the typewriter on his chest.

Get my bag!

When will you get my bag?

Who does that?

Bullies used to do it to me.

Bullies?

Didn't you ever have that done to you?

The typewriter.

The typewriter?

Oh, Adam Buxton, you're so thick.

And then they would go smack.

They would smack you on the side of the face for what's it called, the thing going across, you know, on an old character.

A carriage, yeah.

Wow.

Did that never happen to you?

I want to do that to you.

That happened to me all the time.

My chest only has two keys.

Shift and return.

It's that left nipple right nipple.

Yes Anyway, there you go.

I was curious to know though we might be able to turn this into text the nation I'm not sure in which case we'll play our jingle later on that's exciting, but I was curious to know if anyone else out there I mean if Oh Grady's, you know the editor-in-chief of the week magazine one of the most successful magazine What are we asking people are not what what level of assault have you got away with?

That's not a suitable text the nation.

We're not encouraging it, but I'm curious to know

I'm curious to hear people's stories, you know?

I mean, that is an out-of-control little confrontation there.

Well, I'm interested in public displays, because the thing that would stop me from doing that would be the sheer shame if I didn't win the fight, or if something bad happened, because as soon as you do that, everyone's watching you, right?

No, I mean, you've got anger management issues there.

I mean, he mentions that.

He does edit the week.

He mentions that.

He must be quite angry.

Yeah.

With the world.

Verbal abuse, not physical abuse, says Claire, our producer.

I don't know, I don't agree.

I think words can be just as painful.

I want to hear all kinds of confrontation stories.

Well look, we're going to put this to the Big British Castle.

We won't read them out if they're.

See if it's a flier.

If not, we might have to think of something else for text the nation.

What about some music while we do that?

Yeah, okay.

Here's David Holmes, and this is his track, I Heard Wonders.

That's David Holmes with I Heard Wonders, and we think that's him singing on that track.

If so, well done, David.

That's lovely.

You've made a lovely song there.

That'll be great for, like, a municipal aquarium.

That song, just to be played quietly in the background.

Well, I think it's better, you know, you could use it everywhere.

That's true.

But I agree with you.

It'd be particularly perfect for a municipal aquarium.

Nice blue ambience, and nice and shady and cool down there.

Incidentally, earlier on, we played a track from the Chemical Brothers album.

The Pills won't help you now, and I was speculating about the vocalist on there.

It was Tim Smith from Midlake, apparently.

Of course, you idiot!

Thanks very much, listeners, for emailing us that information.

Don't forget you can always text or email us on the following addresses.

Adamandjoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk for emails, or you can text us on 64046.

Now here's Joe with the film news.

Hey, hello.

Now, as many people might have noticed, it's a bit of a thin last couple of weeks for films.

What are you talking about?

Hellboy 2?

That's the hit of the... That's what I'm talking about.

That's got amazing views.

No, it's very exciting.

uh but you know there hasn't been much amazing good stuff released in the last couple of weeks apart from Hellboy 2 because the screens are dominated by the two behemoths of the summer the dark knight right a brilliant uh gloomy film about terrorism

And the other behemoth of the summer Mamma Mia.

Oh, I thought you're gonna say don't mess with the Zohan No, that is good though.

It's supposed to be good.

I quite recommend that yeah No, the other massive unstoppable hit is Mamma Mia Mamma the film version of the ABBA stage musical and I'd been resisting going to see it but my daddy

who is a very clever man, and he sort of gave me my love of cinema as a child, but he used to be into, you know, Visconti and Louis Malle, Eric Romare, you know, very sophisticated taste in cinema.

He is addicted to the Mamma Mia.

Does he love it?

He's seen it that many times.

Wow!

Four times!

I know.

He loves it.

So does my mum.

They can't stop watching it.

So did they go and see the theatre production?

No.

It's all about the film.

It's all about the cinematic experience.

So I thought I'd better find out what was going on, what the deal was.

Plus you love Bronholm.

I do love Pierce Bronholm.

I do think he's one of the most remarkable actors in circulation.

You don't take any

Dante's Peak, one of my favourite films.

You love it.

So I thought this is a must-see for the cornballs.

Yeah.

So I went along to try and see it at the Brixton Ritzy, and this is what, six weeks after its initial release?

Sold out.

Of course it is.

Not a seat in the house, 620 show.

So I take the car, the broom broom into the West End, I manage to park it.

You know there's an underground train system?

No, that's not polluted enough.

Okay.

And, you know, I like to get home swiftish.

Sure.

So I went to see it at the Odeon West End, very nearly sold out, sat in the very front row.

Oh, my God.

Loved it.

Are you going to see it?

Well, no, it was low on my list.

In terms of listeners, it's probably 50-50.

Some will have seen it.

They'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

I had it jostling for importance with the Sex and the City movie.

Right.

I haven't seen that yet.

Mamma Mia, you've got to see it.

It's like a massive amateur dramatic production with stars in it.

You know, it's as if they didn't rehearse the dancing.

They haven't really rehearsed the script.

They've had to shoot it in a terrific rush.

But that's all forgiven because of the sheer exuberance and joie de vivre.

It's like going to see your kids in a school play and finding that Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan and Hugh, what's his name?

Fernley Whittingstall.

What's his name?

The man from St.

Trinians and everything.

Colin Firth.

Hugh Colin Firth.

And all the big stars are in it.

And it's just amazing.

There's dance sequences that are so in-capture just the joy of spontaneous non-choreographed dancing.

That you can't fail to be swept away the audience I was watching it with work were purely it was almost entirely female Five or six quite confused angry men sitting there But then as the film goes on you realize that you have to give into it There's no point in sitting there being a stick in the mud right you've got to capitulate to the pure raw power and raw it is And I just ended up loving it

And were you satisfied on a Bronholm loving level?

Well, Bronholm sings a couple of the songs.

And people had said that he sings them really badly.

People in the reviews had said, look, when Bronholm comes on, you won't believe the pain on his face when he's singing.

Let's sing it on Bronholm.

Bronhomme has trouble squeezing out dialogue lines in a relaxed way.

He's the king of grunting.

That's part of his magic.

He's a good grunter.

But I was very pleasantly surprised when I heard him sing SOS.

So I bought one of the tracks from a clip from the soundtrack.

So here's a clip of Bronhomme singing SOS.

And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

You can kick it.

It has a bit of a long opening SOS.

But his voice is a lot better than I expected.

You can turn it up a bit there.

It's very faithful to the original track.

Well, it's got Bjorn and Benny working on it.

Has he?

A bit louder?

I think it's good.

He has a bit of a strain with this one.

Don't you think that's quite good?

Yes, that's very impressive.

It's a bit out of tune, he's really belting those lines out.

Anyway, you don't have to listen to anything else.

Bruh, I'm obviously not pissed.

I have got some real Brosnan though.

Here, play the real Brosnan.

So this is why you didn't get your song or song written.

Well, that only took me a few hours.

Play the next one then.

Activate it.

Is this the real one?

This is the real Pierce.

Okay.

And I was genuinely pleasantly surprised.

He's really trying.

He's really pushing.

Here comes the genuine Brosnan.

What do you think?

He sounds like Prince Charles.

He does.

I love Brosnan.

I think I'm in love with Brosnan.

You love Pierce Brosnan.

I think he's amazing.

Oh yeah.

Turn it on.

It's a good film I recommend it and for famously if you don't know it by now at the end They just give up all pretense of making a film and just do a sort of stars in their eyes style variety performance Yeah with them all dressed in like high heels and flares and stuff and they do two tracks and in between Meryl Streep turns to the camera breaks the fourth wall and goes

No.

Yeah.

Cos it's like the theatre.

It's like the theatre.

They haven't done that since... since Scrooge.

Bill Murray and Scrooge.

What other films do that?

Surely.

Or funny games.

I bet they do that in high school, the musical.

Michael Hanneker should have directed Mamma Mia.

But when she turns to the audience and says what she says, everyone in the Odeon West End screamed for more.

No.

Yeah, there was applause.

Normally reserved British public.

I couldn't tell whether... I thought they might have snuck some applause on the surround sound.

Snack.

Snacked it in.

They snack them in.

But I don't think they had it.

It was genuine.

The sound of people being really happy.

It was joy.

Pure joy.

I forgot that sound.

The sound of pure joy.

Meanwhile, the sound of Batman the Dark Knight was bleeding through from the cinema below.

There was no joy downstairs.

No.

It was all miserable pantomime terrorism analogies.

Right, right.

Whereas upstairs, with Mama and Pierce,

There we go, that's enough film news.

Okay, here's a free choice for you listeners.

This is Shins.

This is from, I think, maybe their first album, Oh Inverted World.

All their albums are amazing and a bountiful supply of excellent tunes will be found therein, including this one, which is called... Oh, what the heck's it called?

Is that what it's called?

Yeah, and it has to be said in that voice as well.

No, it's called One by One All Day.

This is The Shins.

Nice long coda.

I like a song with a nice long coda, you know.

You always have.

I always have.

That's The Shins with One by One All Day.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's time now for the news at 10.30, read by Andre Payne and Catherine Kratnall.

That's the model by Kraftwerk.

First single I ever bought.

Is that really so, but is that true?

It is true, yeah.

What's the real first single you ever bought?

That was it!

99p from W.H.

Smith's Oxford Road.

Mine was Mr Bump.

That's right.

Mr Bump for a bump, he's a clumsy chap.

Going bump into this and this and that.

So be sure that you don't bump into him today, cos he's sure to bump you out of your way.

There's more if you want it.

I'm not even sure that was the A side or the B side.

Was there a whole album of Mr. Songs?

Yes.

Did you have that one as well?

Yes.

Don't remember any of them as well as Mr. Bump because it is so wicked.

Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

Now we've been asking you, it's a bit of a weird issue.

It's a featureless show.

Do you remember Twilight Zone the movie?

When he goes upstairs into the little sister's bedroom and she's got no features on her face?

She's got eyes but she's got no mouth.

That's true.

There's one where people are totally featureless.

That's a classic Twilight Zone somewhere.

Anyway, this show's a bit like that.

It's featureless.

We haven't bothered with Song Wars.

Well, if you say it like that, it makes us sound very lazy.

It was circumstances beyond our control prevented us from... ...due to having insanely busy weeks.

Delivering song wars, yeah.

I've gone insanely busy week next week.

I know, we're going to have to think of something.

Well, that's why we need the help of our listeners.

That's why we've asked you for help, listeners, with something that's lyrically easy to do for next week.

We did one one week where we sang the instructions to the IKEA meatballs, and a lot of people have pointed out that The Cure did a similar thing, apparently.

Meatballs!

I don't think it was the meatballs, but it was something similar.

But anyway, that's in the past.

We need another idea that's as effective in terms of making it less work for us.

Well, Weezer do this as well, I pointed this out the other day.

Yeah, Rivers Cuomo was on the internet the other day canvassing for suggestions to construct an entire song.

He got people to send in bass riffs and guitar stuff.

He doesn't even have to do a weekly radio show.

How lazy?

That's extremely lazy, isn't it?

So here are some suggestions that have come in.

This one's from Timothy Harkum, and he says, Hello Adam, hello Joe, how about the Agent Smith speech from The Matrix Revolutions?

That's a very good idea.

Or the Architect speech.

He's transposed both of those speeches here.

They are two of the most garbled, pointless and stupid speeches in cinema history as well.

The Agent Smith one goes, I killed you, Mr. Anderson.

I watched you die with a certain satisfaction I might have.

Then something happened, something that I knew was impossible, but it happened anyway.

You destroyed me, Mr. Anderson.

After that, I understood the rules.

I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't.

I couldn't.

I was compelled to stay, compelled to dis... I can't read the whole thing.

It sounds a bit boring.

It's boring in the film.

Certainly.

And the challenge would be to make it exciting.

Well, to set it to music.

Or the architects one at the end of The Third Matrix.

That's very convoluted, I remember.

Is that the one where they're in the room, the white room with all the tellies on it?

Yeah, it's about the function of the one.

I wanted so badly to expire at that point when I was watching the film.

You should carry a little packet of cyanide pills for that kind of situation.

Just in case there's another Matrix sequel.

Yeah, or if you're in a really... Oh god, oh god, this is boring, I'm gonna pop my pills, Garlic.

I think I'm going to be sure.

It's over in five minutes.

No, no, I can't tolerate it.

It's too long.

I'm going to have to kill myself.

There were moments in Mamma Mia where I felt like that, but it always it always flipped it around again.

Bronholm was back with it.

Who is the dad?

I was desperate to know who the dad was.

Here's another suggestion for Song Wars.

This is from Kate Haig.

She says, how about setting some property details to music?

As estate agents are famous for their use of the English language.

Yeah, no, anybody?

No, a couple of people have texted in, sorry, about that, Kate.

I thought it was a great idea, Adam thinks it's stupid.

I didn't think it's stupid, I just said, mm.

Andy Leopard from Doncaster says, and a couple of people have suggested that we write a song to what policemen say to you when you get arrested.

That's never happened.

Have you actually been arrested?

No, I've been questioned, but not for a while.

Not since I was a naughty teen.

Well, exactly.

The last time I ran into trouble with the cops was probably when we tried to nick a Breakfast Club poster off the tube wall, I think, about 25 years ago.

Right.

Jemima has suggested a new EastEnders theme song.

Please, it's been the same for ages!

EastEnders?

That's not a bad idea.

The lyrics to that, that must have been done.

I still like the new Neighbours song idea.

Yeah, you think that's the best one so far.

So far.

Well, although I'm torn between that and the Matrix Revolution speech.

Right.

I'd go for the neighbors out of those two.

Yeah.

Someone's suggesting that I write a song about you and you write a song about me.

Well, that involves writing the song.

That's difficult as well, yeah.

Yeah, it's a good idea though.

One way will definitely do that.

Uh, I think that's pretty much it.

Oh, here, Christine Jones has said, can you do an In the Night Garden song?

Eagle Piggle, an Upsy Daisy, versus Macapaca and The Pontypines.

That's another show that it's useful to have little cyanide pills for.

Really?

You must have seen it.

If you haven't, you haven't lived.

Eagle Piggle's a very flaky character who at the slightest thing falls over.

He has a bell in his foot and he can't go anywhere without the blanket which he keeps losing.

Sounds very involved.

Here's a good one though, finally Gemma Kemp says how about using the synopsis from everyone's favourite women's mag and lady brain rotter Grazia.

This is taken from their website.

We're living in fast times.

Sometimes it's difficult to keep up.

Life-changing stories can gallop past us, delicious gossip can flutter and die, and fashion trends that are hot today are gone tomorrow.

We all want to keep up with this changing world, but we want to make it easy, and we want it now.

Like us, you want to know about the latest trends, gossip, fashion, and news in easy bite-sized pieces.

You want to read the kind of interviews and reports that make you think seriously about your own life.

You want to find something fabulous to wear on a Friday night, or something quick, and that's spectacular, to cook for friends.

You need easy, chic ideas to help you simplify your frantic life and, this is the most important bit, you don't want to wait a whole month for them.

This is speaking directly to me.

So welcome to Grazia.

Britain's first weakly glossy.

It goes on.

Uh, I, I think, um... Heat.

Heat?

A toon that.

Yeah.

We will open the door to the world's most glamorous parties and catwalk events, just days after they've happened.

Days?

Very good, and then days.

We'll investigate the big issues of the week and interview the stars in the news as it happens.

I think it's possible that Gemma might be making it up at this point.

But that's pretty good, isn't it?

I, I really like that.

Yeah, Gemma Kemp, that is a powerful idea.

I put that at the top of my list now.

We're both very keen on Grazia.

Grazia Synopsis is a brilliant idea.

I'm not sure for the reasons they'd like us to be keen on it.

Because of the font.

Anyway, keep those ideas coming in.

You know what?

That pretty much is textination.

We'd better play the jingle.

Justing.

You know.

Go on.

Textination.

Text, text, text.

Textination.

What if I don't want to?

Textination.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text.

It really rings a bit hollow there, doesn't it?

It does.

Late in the day.

It'd be better off getting someone to fill in for us this week.

Do you think?

We are worse than any stand-in.

That's true.

Now, is this your free choice, Joe?

What is it?

Yeah, a bit of orange juice.

This is a good track by Orange Juice.

They're a Scottish band.

They're not really together anymore, but they're very good.

If you haven't got all their records, you should buy them.

Claire, our producer.

What's this one called?

Sad Lament.

Yeah, it's called Sad Lament.

Thanks.

This is the voice of the big, pretty castle.

It is the top of the hour.

Ooh, that's wonderful.

I got support with the last hour, and it's gone.

Now here's the new one.

It's exciting, and it's new.

How do you do?

Yes, indeed.

Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

And before that, of course, you heard Massive Attack with Unfinished Sympathy and the director of that classic video, Bailey Walsh, who I had the pleasure of interviewing at Bug, which is the pop video thing I do at the NFT every now and again.

He's got a film out on DVD right now, isn't it?

Memories of a Fool?

Is that what it's called?

The one with Daniel Craig?

Flashbacks of a Fool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's just about to come out.

Someone told me it was out.

I went excitedly to buy it.

Well, no, I wasn't that excitedly.

But not because of the film, just because I was in a bad mood, and I couldn't find it.

Right.

I want to see it.

He's someone that uses music amazingly creatively.

He directed that one, did he?

Yeah, yeah.

It's his first film, I think.

Flashbacks of a Fool, I recommend it, even though I haven't seen it, but he's a nice guy.

Now, I was moving house this week, that's one of the reasons, that's my excuse for not having prepared more and not having done my Song Wars song.

And in the process, of course, I had to throw a lot of things away.

I haven't moved house for years, and this is obviously the first time I've moved house with a big family, so there was a lot more to move.

And, man, there was a lot of stuff to throw away.

And it's always a good opportunity to do some clearing.

I don't really like to throw anything away.

If it was up to me, I would hoard everything.

I'm like a kind of stinky old man.

I've got boxes and boxes of Mojo magazines and turds.

Your own turds.

My own turds.

They're all wrapped up in cellophane.

No, labels numbered.

At least that would be lighter than the boxes of Mojo mags that I insisted on moving with me.

Right, you keep your back issues of mojo, do you?

Got them all.

Have you ever referred to one?

Yes.

Have you?

Do they publish index magazines?

Because in the old days, when magazines used to sell you binders, and they would expect you to archive them, they would come out with index issues every few years.

Yeah?

Sight and sound.

The BFI mag used to do that, didn't they?

Or they would just have an index bit at the back of one of their issues so that you could treat it like an encyclopedia.

Do Mojo do that?

I don't believe they do.

Well, they should do it.

They should absolutely do it.

Do it.

Because otherwise it renders my collection insane.

Well, I think the collection is insane before, you know, proven non-insane.

You should talk to my wife.

She agrees with you.

Really?

Absolutely.

What did you use it to look back at?

Do you remember?

You know, I especially use it whenever I get the flu.

It's not as if it's contemporary information either.

I just like reading because they're timeless articles of such great quality about bands old and new that it's a joy to dip in whenever you feel.

Really?

I really enjoy it.

Plus... Does your wife do that with Grazia?

No, she's not allowed.

I throw them away even before she's ready.

Really?

Yeah, really.

So she didn't move with her Grazia collection or her now and closer collection in the ring binder made of human skin.

But beautifully made up.

Beautifully skinned but amazingly powder puffed.

Anyway, I didn't throw my mojo's away because there's all the crosswords in there that I haven't done yet, which I'll get round to.

However, I did throw away other things that I have been hoarding for years and years and years, including things that I thought might come in useful, you know?

Now, you always keep things like this, like screws, you know?

Little weird screws.

Very useful.

Bits of wood.

Yes.

Knobs.

You know strange brass knobs, foreign money, tins of food, bottles of booze, strange booze that you bought like years ago for a party.

You can't throw these things away.

You can't throw away half a bottle.

In this day and age you'd recycle them anyway.

You might free cycle them.

Right.

But I'm on the free cycle website.

You could recycle the tins of food maybe, but a half drunk bottle of archer's peach schnapps?

That might keep someone alive.

There might be some sort of a vagrant who is teetering on the edge of death.

A cocktail vagrant.

Just a little bit of peach slap.

I'd love a fuzzy.

Could you lend us 10p for a fuzzy navel?

Curtains as well, like if you've got some old curtains and you think, oh, I can't throw away the curtains, I'm going to have to put them in the box because you never know.

Recycle them.

Right.

Their curtains are expensive.

They're a curtain exchange centre.

No, there are.

Yes, there are.

We got some curtains from a curtain exchange centre.

Little bit puke-y.

But they do the job?

That's not true.

They weren't puke-y.

But no, curtains are expensive things.

Right.

Well, you know, I threw away a lot of the curtains.

Good ones.

I mean, this time I just thought, finally, I'm going to have to throw away these.

Claire's looking at me like I'm a hobo, these curtains.

other things that are difficult to throw away, things that you think might have sentimental value, right?

So they don't actually have sentimental value, but you think, well, this is the kind of thing that probably should have some sentimental value for me, like old passports, certain types of low-quality children's drawings, you know, because not all drawings by children are good.

A lot of them are rubbish.

because they just haven't got the skills.

So what do you say to your children?

Yeah.

Hey Frank, do you have a star system?

Frankly, I'm going to give this one two stars because it doesn't look like anything.

You say it's me and Mummy, but that's clearly not me.

I don't look anything like that.

Mummy's hair is not like that at all.

Look at Mummy.

Look at her.

Does she look like that?

Now get out.

That's how it goes on a Sunday afternoon at the art class.

It's horrific.

At our house.

It is horrific.

So we throw away those pictures, obviously.

Cards, things like postcards and letters and stuff like that.

You think, well, it seems wrong to throw away these birthday cards because you don't immediately throw away birthday cards, right?

Or do you?

No, you're right.

Cards do gather up.

You know, and you think, well, I can't throw away the birthday cards.

I'm going to have to keep them there.

Cut the backs off, reuse them.

Uh-huh.

that's the blue peter solution yeah wedding invites the blue peter solution that's a good film with with matt damon yeah um you know wedding invites you wouldn't throw those away would you yes no yes the wedding invite of your best

Bad buddy getting married to Tina.

After all those days, it's such a happy day.

Certain types of photographs that are slightly blurry maybe and not that good.

They're not very good photographs.

Oh, you can't throw away a photograph.

Even if it's blurry.

It's the only one I've got of Michael when he's all in, you know, in them days.

Throw away that blurry Michael Michael so you throw that away other things things that you don't know Things you don't really know what they are You haven't really assessed their value Like for example legal documents utility bills things like this or better keep the legal documents There's a there's an official limit for those though, isn't there like something like seven or eight years or something?

Where'd you get that?

Yeah in my brain.

You've got to keep it for a sudden legally.

Yeah keys

old keys old keys oh man those mount up and you never want to throw those away there's a daughter every key in the world well exactly don't throw a key away how's the person gonna get in the thing that the keys for you know throwing keys and throwing money away is there a national key bank

There must be.

Data bank.

Yeah.

There probably is.

There should be.

Because it feels totally wrong to throw any kind of money, foreign currency, anything like that.

And the same with keys.

Other things, things that were so expensive when you bought them that you just never considered throwing them away, even though you don't use them anymore.

For example, old computers is the big one.

And it's very hard to even recycle old computers, you know?

You can't give them to schools or anything like that.

I mean, you can.

I bet you can.

But no, no.

Most schools, they're fairly snooty about it now.

Someone somewhere will want your computer.

You can't even chuck computers on the dump anymore.

They say, no, we don't want the computers.

Is that true?

Yeah.

You have to get the council to remove the computers.

VHS players, things like that, you know?

They might be in totally good working order, but they're just hanging around.

You don't want to get rid of them.

Other things, things that were faulty or damaged or had bits missing, and you always thought, well, I might repair this one day.

Have you got any stuff like that clustering up your house?

Possibly.

You know, you always have things like that.

Toys and lamps.

So what are you doing with all this stuff, Adam?

What's the end of this story?

Well, the end of the story is I threw them all away.

I threw all of these things away.

In a dump?

In a big landfill.

And I threw them into the middle of the road.

Really?

I stood there naked screaming.

Threw them in my street, didn't you?

No, I properly, I disposed of them in the correct way, got the council to help me with some of them, went to the dump with some of the other ones, took a lot of stuff to Oxfam, like bits of old clothing that I've had for years and years and years.

That's the correct ending of the story.

I think all the stuff you've just mentioned is all recyclable and reusable.

And in this day and age, the very idea of throwing away is something away is archaic.

Right, exactly.

Popcorn maker?

Throw that away.

Anyway, there you go.

Now, what have we got here?

Is this Daft Punk?

It's Daft Punk.

It's playing at my house.

It's not even Daft Punk.

It's LCD sound system.

Oh, fabulous sounds of the 60s here on Radio Groovy.

That was Spencer Davis with Keep On Running.

We don't know why that one was put in.

It might have just been a computer error.

That was a good song.

Good song, but it doesn't really fit the profile, does it?

Well, what does, though, Joe?

That's true.

This show does

6 Music is about not having boundaries of any kind.

Even good boundaries.

There we go.

The sounds of 1966 with the Spencer Davis group.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.

We've been asking you to text in suggestions for Song Wars next week.

It's the middle of the summer.

It's silly season.

Everything grinds to a halt.

We've ground to a halt.

A little bit.

We've run out of ideas for Song Wars.

Adam's moving.

I've got two hideous

deadlines for things I'm writing coming up and I'm having to spend every minute of the day either procrastinating about writing or writing, mainly the former.

But as a result, we're very busy and we need a sort of easy but highly effective challenge for song wars.

And thank you very much to everyone who's sent in suggestions.

Our favourite one so far is probably either Neighbours, Neighbours New Neighbours theme, or Singing Something from Grazia magazine, our favourite brain rotting label.

I think that would be the thing.

We'd both buy Grazia.

And we would have to use nothing but words from Grazia in the song.

Oh, so you could use the words from wherever.

Maybe we should pick a particular article.

I think you have to do the article and then do it verbatim.

Right, you have to do the article verbatim.

And if we pick the same one, then so be it.

We do it sight unseen.

Yeah.

That's our leading idea.

Do you think is that overtaking?

I think that overtakes neighbors.

Possibly.

We'll have to have a look at Grazia.

And we're doing a lot of advertising for Grazia this morning.

Not really.

Not in a good way.

So that's a good idea.

If you can beat that, do send your idea in 64046 is the text number, or the email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Further ideas.

Rich suggests a new hip-hop style theme to The Last of the Summer Wine.

Yes?

Yes.

No.

No, it's just not hot enough a topic, The Last of the Summer Wine.

I mean, it's a funny idea, but it's too much work, man.

Too much work, correct.

That's the correct logic to apply.

Here's one from Robert in Aberdeen.

For Song Wars, how about the shipping forecast or new lyrics for EastEnders or the rules you see at swimming pools?

A triumvirate of ideas from Robert.

Shipping forecast is a classic rock and pop idea that has been hijacked by many artists.

Well, I say many, some artists, I think.

Did Paddy McAloon do something along the lines of the shipping forecast?

I trolled a megahertz with his album.

Something like that.

But the shipping forecast pops up at the end of which Thomas Dolby song?

Is it Screen Kiss?

Something like that, yeah.

I think so.

Somebody else, Yuka from London suggests doing a song in Japanese using something off Adam and Jogo Tokyo, but that's very hard work.

I can't remember any of my Japanese.

That's pretty much all I remember.

Heavy Metal Song Wars, says an anonymous texter.

Haven't got the heavy metal loops.

No, we need the right jam.

A song begging Carol Vordman to stay on at Countdown, says Toby in Swindon.

Hmm.

Do you think I don't think we could summon enough emotion or feeling for that one No, I'm not I'm not an expert sufficiently I don't think whereas Grazia I have a certain amount of affinity with for You know an intimate knowledge of

Alex Rutherford sends an email saying, hey guys, why not try putting the opening paragraph from my physics PhD thesis that I'm writing at the moment to music.

I suggest some kind of post-punk afrobeat fusion in terms of a genre.

Alex in London.

opening couple of lines from his physics PhD thesis are,

Yeah, I like it already.

That's got my foot tap in.

The powerful closing lyrics would be something along the lines of, Stonermetall noted that it's unlikely that any one material will be able to provide the necessary materials requirements.

I can hear people seeing that on football terraces.

Several different materials may be used to provide separate functionality.

And the number one for the fifth week running.

It's that one.

Liam from Hollow, have you got more to say?

I like it.

It's a good idea, isn't it?

Well, there we go.

Look, there are the lyrics.

Thank you.

Have a little look.

And Liam from Holloway says, what about making a new alphabet song?

See if you can better the original.

Yes.

Now, was that written by somebody?

I don't know about that.

A, B, C, D, that one.

E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P. Oh, yeah, remember?

That's right.

Well, you know, I was talking about this to someone the other day.

There's an album by a kind of weird fusion band called Stark Reality, where they take all these hoagie Carmichael children's songs and put them to crazy avant-garde fusion.

Maybe I'll bring that one in next week.

It's really good.

It's got some amazing stuff.

And they've done the alphabet.

They do one that deals with the alphabet, yeah.

Because you know the album Schoolhouse Rock?

Yep.

Which a lot of people have.

That's an enjoyable album.

But this is a kind of weird... That's got all the sort of Della Sol Daisy Age samples on it, hasn't it?

Yeah, that one.

I'll bring in stark reality, it's funny.

But here's a band, now I'm going to play a free choice, who play a style of music which would be ideally suited to just marrying some abstract lyrics to.

Because this is Blurt.

I think Blurt have a new album out now, but they were around in the early 80s and they were a kind of none more indie band.

And let's see, they were founded by... Poet Milton.

Poet, saxophonist, yeah.

and puppeteer Ted Milton in 1979.

You beat me to the Wikipedia page.

But they're good men, and they make an extremely sort of stark, sparse sound of honking saxophones, very basic beats.

And Ted just kind of screaming and yelping over the top.

I feel like he's my buddy.

All you know about him is what's on the Wikipedia page.

No, but I know him from listening to his music and that's very enjoyable.

It might repel certain people, but I like this kind of thing very much.

This is Blurt and I never know the names of these tracks because they pop up on my MP3 player and I don't actually see what they're called.

Back announcing.

Just plain back announcing.

Here's a bit of Blurt for you listeners.

That's empty vessels by Blurt.

That's good.

I like that.

That's great, man.

This stuff's fantastic.

That's from around about 1982.

Reminds me a little of, uh, Bogshed.

I've never heard Bogshed.

Bogshed are good.

I'll bring in some Bogshed next week.

Let's have some Bogshed.

Have you got anything, have you got anything, have you got anything?

Now, here's a trail for a new show on BBC Three, which is called The Wrong Door, and this is made by some people that I worked with.

This is my friend as well, Ben Wheatley, isn't it?

That's right, directed by a fellow.

He's the king of virals and lots of people I work with on a show called Time Trumpet with Amanda Ianucci.

And this, I haven't seen any of this, but I bet this is going to be quite a massive smash to this programme.

It's called The Wrong Door.

Here's the trail for it.

That's from the Colden Days Coldplay with Viva La Vida.

They will be being interviewed by Steve LaMac when he sits in for Lauren Laverne on Saturday, the 30th of August from 4pm.

That's very exciting.

Now it's time for the news and the music news here on 6 Music, read by Andre Payne and Catherine Cracknell.

Disco 2000 by Pulp.

I miss Jarvis Cock.

Is he still living in France?

He should come back.

Really?

A friend of mine saw him pushing his kid in a pushchair, maybe that was a while ago, or walking his toddler, or... In the UK?

Yeah, about six or seven months ago.

Could that be... Could be a case of mistaken identity.

They're all in France.

There's a lot of coccolates out there.

Robert Crumb, the cartoonist.

He lives in France as well.

Does he?

Down in the south of France.

Everyone is cool lives in France.

They all end up in France.

Johnny Dez!

He lives in France with an Iffipadiz!

The most beautiful young woman in the world!

Oh, she's tiny.

She's so tiny.

Look at her.

Oh, she's fallen down in the house.

Now she's naked.

Oh, that's nice.

That's nice.

Can I have one, please?

Oh.

I love the other one.

What?

I don't know what we're talking about.

Listen, some factoid corrections.

They live in Paris, apparently.

Anyway, songs that use the shipping forecast we were talking about earlier, of course, it's Wind Power by Thomas Dolby.

Wind Power.

Not I Scare Myself, whatever I said, or Screen Kiss.

Screen Kiss has just the weather forecast at the end.

Yeah.

And someone else has said that Blur use it in a song called This Is Low.

This is a low, yes.

This is a low, which is based on the shipping forecast.

You know, we only make mistakes to encourage interactivity.

That wasn't so much a mistake as just some words.

I made a doubly mistake.

Thomas Dudley mistake.

Incidentally, Blurt, who we played a few minutes ago, they have a new single out very soon via the Orchestra Pit Recording Company.

It's the name of the label that I couldn't remember there.

It's what they're on now, is it?

Yeah.

So listen, some more film chitchat.

Just a minor passing topic of conversation, but I watched Mike Lee's new film during the week.

Happy Go Lucky.

Oh, it's supposed to be good.

On DVD.

It's got a smiley lady on the front.

She's very good.

It's very good.

Yeah, yeah.

That was a lot better than I expected.

Why?

What's wrong with Lee?

I was expecting the characterisation to be so heightened that it would be irritating.

I like it, man.

I love Mike Lee, but sometimes his ancillary characters can sometimes be a bit over the top.

But deliberately so, isn't that always the case?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I love him as well, but you know what I mean.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just thought this looked like it might get my teeth on edge and some of the responses had been quite divided when it was released theatrically.

Yeah.

But I was wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

It's brilliant.

Yeah.

It's really good.

Really enjoyed it.

It all made sense as well.

We had a good proper analytical chat.

Me and my lady partner afterwards.

Yep.

Analyzed it.

Realized what the theme was.

Understood why all the characters were who they were.

A lot of teachers in it.

Everyone in it is a teacher.

Right.

It's about teaching.

It's not a patch on In Bruges, though.

Oh, what is a patch on In Bruges?

Nothing.

You don't like In Bruges?

No, I don't like it.

There's another conversation.

We'll come on to that at a time.

Colin Farrell's first good film.

Not good.

I was watching this film, Happy Coluck, anyway, and there's a scene in a restaurant and suddenly one of the characters lights up a Ziggy.

Right.

And starts puffing away in a restaurant.

Got a scene like that in In Bruges.

Yeah.

But it's better.

Anyway, Karen.

And I was shocked by this smoking.

I thought, actually, can't do that.

You don't smoke in restaurants.

Can't smoke anywhere.

Made me think, well, this film must have been made just before the smoking cutoff point.

Right.

Like the month before smoking stopped.

When was it stopped?

It was in the spring, wasn't it?

Last spring, yeah.

Yeah.

Not this year.

It was the one before, wasn't it?

Maybe.

I don't know.

But Mike Lee got in there just under the what?

Smoke detector.

Yeah.

And it made me think about how weird smoking looks in films now.

And how suddenly over the last year that's become a massive signifier of age.

Yeah, well now the only characters that smoke in films are evil characters or characters that are in some way hopeless or pathetic, or characters that will soon die.

That was the case before though, but now it just seems insane.

A character smoking in a film now is as if you and I were chatting and I just casually lifted a power drill to my face and started drilling holes in my cheek.

Yeah, but not on Thursday.

You're like, what are you doing?

Why are you inhaling that death stick?

Yeah, yeah.

Is one's response if someone lights up in a film now?

Or certainly part of my brain screams that.

And I was thinking, what are the best, what are the films that are going to suddenly seem amazingly archaic when they just seem normal before?

And I've got three candidates that I've watched recently.

Candidate number one, Die Hard 2.

Right.

Now, Bruce Willis smokes nonstop in that.

to see he's constantly got a fag on the go wherever he is whatever he's doing he's trying to give up though isn't he yeah but he can't but that's the thing too nice exactly and he does uh smoking in scenes where he's chatting up ladies and they love it

Ladies love a big puff of old smoke in their faces.

They find it extra sexy.

Yeah, especially if you've had a beer as well.

Yeah, they love it in those days.

And Willow, you know, when you're dealing with that many foreign terrorists, you'd want to have a little beer to go with the in-between shoes.

Well, that'd still be allowed.

Drinking in a public place is still allowed.

Yeah.

The smoking, however, seems very, very retro.

Terminator 1.

I was watching.

Who's smoking in there?

They're everybody smoking.

You see, you didn't notice it at the time because it wasn't weird.

But now Connor doesn't smoke.

She doesn't smoke, but when she's being interrogated by Lance Hendrickson and the man who plays the psychologist.

Timmy Hendrickson.

And the policeman.

All three of them are smoking.

She's not smoking, but they're all smoking and like blowing it in her face.

And then one of them has to write something down.

So a couple of seconds of screen time is taken with him passing the CG.

to Lance Hendrickson, who then takes it, looks at it and has a puff himself.

I wouldn't want to put it out, because it's only halfway down if you could hold it for me.

It seemed perfectly normal when we first saw it, when we were teens, but now it just seems odd.

Finally, and the most pronounced one, if you watch it again, is Tootsie.

Right.

They're smoking all over the place.

They're smoking on behind the cameras.

The cameramen are smoking in the vision mixing room.

Everyone's got a Ziggy on the go, the sexy doctor who tries to snog, Dustin Hoffman, do you remember that?

Yes.

He's smoking all up in the place.

That's weird, isn't it?

It's astonishing.

And a friend of mine who works for a TV film channel has said that they've had meetings about the possibility of digitally removing smoking from films.

Shut your throat.

face.

Because to put Tootsie on in the afternoon with all that smoking is now seen as something bad so you might have to go and either cut smoking out or ban films that have it in and that seemed mad to me but then when you do watch one of these films the smoking itself does seem insane and you think maybe they've got a point.

Yeah but what's it gonna do like?

I disagree I think it would be ridiculous obviously but but but it is odd.

Well, of course it's odd, but you can get over it.

But it's the same.

There's all sorts of anachronisms in all kinds of films, like in the Dam Busters.

Anything that's prominent.

Well, yeah, they use some racist words there.

They use the N-word for the dog.

I'd say that's sort of an exception that proves the rule in a way.

You have to go way back into the 30s and 40s for that kind of thing.

There's all sorts of things like attitudes to minorities and gay people and stuff, all that kind of stuff.

I'd say not as common as just casual smoking.

What's shocking is the casualness of it and the fact that no one, you know, it's just normal.

Yeah, but they just, they know, you know, in the early 80s or the mid 80s or whenever it was, people were well aware of the risks.

I think they had the Surgeon General's warnings on the packets by then, Ethan.

I might be wrong about that.

But, yeah, I know what you mean, though.

In Mad Men, the TV series all about the... That makes a big thing about spoken, doesn't it?

Yeah, they make a big point, because the whole atmosphere there is sort of impending threat and collapse and the fact that people are laboring under all kinds of illusions around about then, which are just about to be made clear to them.

But yeah, they make a point out of it and everybody smokes in every single scene there.

I'm gonna have one right now.

Here's PJ Harvey, I'm not.

I would never do that.

This is Good Fortune.

TV on the radio with Wrong Way recorded in the sixth music hub for the Tom Robertson show in 2004.

That's Tunde, isn't it?

Who's the lead singer of TV on the radio?

Right, isn't it?

Tunde.

I don't know, is it?

I think so, yeah.

What of it?

Well, I'm just saying.

Just a fact.

Yeah, it's just a little fun fact.

Hey, somebody sent us in a beautifully made flat pack packet of IKEA meatballs.

It is beautifully made, isn't it?

It's hard to describe them, they're so lovely, but it's like a little paper package with some mock instructions done IKEA style for meatballs.

Then inside are six translucent pieces of

of plastic with a meatball image on them that you assemble into a kind of cuboid translucent meatball.

But the person hasn't put their name on it.

It says a Persian Monaghan design.

Could that be the person's name, Persian Monaghan?

No, I don't know.

Annika?

It says instead of IKEA?

Oh, I don't know.

Acnea.

Anyway, it's brilliant.

And just to remind you, if you haven't checked out the entries to Song Wars, you can see the winner, Chris Salt's Lego video.

This video was a competition.

You can see the winner on the Six Music website and the runners up.

And then all the entries, if you go on YouTube and search for Adam and Jo, video wars.

Terrific.

Next week, we have decided that we are going to make songs using the words from an article in this week's issue of Grazia magazine.

This is an idea that was suggested by Gemma Kemp.

Thank you very much, Gemma, and thanks to everybody else who suggested Song Wars ideas, but that's the winning one.

We're each going to buy Grazia.

Sight unseen, we're going to select an article or letter, and we're going to put it to music, and it might be wicked.

Other magazines are available, of course, in the Lady Brain category, but we've gone for this one.

And yeah, in case you're interested in having a look and guessing which article we're going to choose, it's the one with peaches on the front.

And she's saying marriage is such a beautiful thing, and she's wearing a brown, some kind of brown bag.

We'll be back with you next week with a proper text the nation and a proper song wars from 9am till 10 11 12 till noon Yeah, stay tuned for Liz Kershaw right now.

Here's Stevie Wonder with pastime paradise.

Have a good week.

Cheerio.

Bye.

Bye