The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (02 August 2008)

Hello and welcome to the big British castle.

It's time for Adam and Joe to broadcast on the radio.

There'll be some music and some random talking in between.

Yeah, that's the Flintstones.

Really?

Yeah, that was from before the dawn of time.

Really?

I couldn't get my head round that beat.

No.

Well, it's complicated.

It's pretty historic.

It's from the prehistoric times when they... Is that Fred Flintstone?

That's Fred Flintstone.

Flintstone.

It's pronounced, yeah.

As in Ray Winston.

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah.

It's Fred Flintstone.

Flintstone Churchill.

And that's Barney in the background.

Barney

on the on the on the rocks exactly he's scratching and bam bam is responsible for the the little stabs the horn stabs that sound like the beginning of do you want to hurt me by Culture Club really did he play on that as well bam do do do do do you really want to hurt that's why I thought was gonna happen right the way through that song with those little stabs but they never get there it's frustrating but that was that's what prehistoric rap was famed for yeah

And that's why it's moved on since then.

Don't be joking, that was Run DMC!

It's from 1984, which sort of is prehistory.

That's true.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC 6 Music.

We're back after a three week sabbatical that has done nothing to improve our radio skills.

No, that's true.

I've been staying with, uh, I've just come back from staying with Will Smith and, uh, Jada Pinkett Smith.

Wow.

How was that?

It was amazing.

You know what?

I can't remember where I said we were going to stay.

I thought we were going to stay somewhere like Mustique or somewhere, one of Will's islands.

In the end, we went to space.

What a surprise.

Did he not tell you until you were on the ship?

Yeah, no, it was a total surprise.

He blindfolded me.

Really?

Yes, we went to space.

And Barry Sonnenfeld was there... Sonnenfeld?

Yeah, it was exactly like Men in Black.

Really?

And Tommy Lee Jones.

That's not set in space, though.

It's based on space.

There's people from space in it.

That's right.

And many of whom... What planet did you go to?

It's not well known.

So not the moon.

I wouldn't want to say because I wouldn't want to go out next year and everyone's there.

Well, it's private, isn't it?

It's a private planet.

But no, it's nice to be back, though.

Even though it's a bit of a miserable day in London.

It is, isn't it?

But we've got a great show coming up for you to cheer you up, including what's it called?

Song Wars.

Song Wars is the name of the future.

Yeah, the oldest and longest running competition in the country.

It's not really a competition.

Well, it's a competition between you and I. That's true.

Or between you and me, I should say, in that case, shouldn't I?

I don't know.

It's embarrassing when people try and go and do the correct grammar and actually... I think it's between one and I. Between one and Am.

Between Am and one.

That's coming up later.

Also, Text the Nation, which is the second longest and most respected running feature in the history of radio.

Yeah.

Plus lots of great music.

In this hour alone... Why don't we have some right now?

This is Ida Maria with...

I like you so much better when you're naked

And no one likes to write and it's not something I normally do normally I would buy like three or four deodorants at a time at the super I never like to run out like to have them all in a line there you stink and I absolutely stank by the time I got off the tube it was a disgrace and you know I use my wife's deodorant and girls I don't know what they're doing there but they must smell or they just they're so slight they don't generate any funk and

because I was badly let down by my wife's deodorant on the tube.

But now everything's cool.

But what were you thinking of in terms of grooming?

Something completely different.

If you look at naked people from the turn of the century or maybe the 30s or 40s or 50s or 60s or 70s, they're very different.

That's true.

They don't really trim.

They don't trim.

No.

Right, right.

Hair-wise.

You know, it's like shoving a forest into a small plastic bag.

Yeah, that's true.

It's fashionable to be plucked and shaved.

Have you ever stumbled across an erotic magazine from your parents' generation?

I've seen one once in a museum.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, the joy of sex, of course, was the wonderful tome that captured that era.

And everyone was, yes.

Just I'm saying standards of nudity have risen.

You reckon risen?

Yeah.

I think it's a decline.

I think people take more care.

Well, I think they're over fussy.

I think it's nice to wander around with all the forestation growing happily.

pumping out CO2.

Thank God you said CO2.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music, back from our amazing three week holiday, refreshed and restocked with two ideas each.

What are the ideas?

The idea for Text the Nation and the idea for Song Wars.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The idea for Song Wars, when we set it up a few weeks ago, I don't know if anyone can remember that far back, was to write a song for the Quantum of Solace, the new Bond film.

When we left you three weeks ago, they hadn't quite settled on who was going to sing it.

People were talking about Duffy.

People were talking about Amy Winehouse.

But now a decision's been made.

There was a press release a few days ago.

The world's buzzing with the news that it's Alicia Keys.

And Jack White.

And Jack White, even, this is a little tip bit for you listeners, our producer Jude, her boyfriend's guitar is played by Jack White on the track.

Is that really true?

Yeah.

Wow.

Is it in decent shape?

Is it in tune?

It's a pop fact for you.

Does it have any idiosyncratic twangs or...?

It's vintage.

It's a vintage guitar.

So that's good, I mean no one's heard the song yet, have they?

No, and the song interestingly isn't called The Quantum of Solace.

No.

It's called something like Kill Me on the Lips.

Right.

Ooh, I just made that up.

That would be a good name for a Bond song.

It would be very good.

Now, you know what, I was thinking of it last night because my song ends with the refrained Quantum of Solids.

I mention it quite a lot, right?

And I thought, I bet you Jack White doesn't even mention it.

I base too cool for the whole thing.

He doesn't even mention the name of the song.

Doesn't even mention the name of the film.

Well, it's a tricky thing to rhyme.

Adam and I were at a wedding last night, listeners, and we were sitting next to... Oh, I was sitting next to the... Might need a name drop sound here, Jude.

I was sitting quite near to Richard Curtis.

Yeah, the film man, what writes and makes the films.

Yes.

And we were, he's, his partner is Emma Freud, lovely Emma Freud.

And she's once read a book by Stephen King.

No name drops down needed there, dude.

Why not?

That's just a reference to a person.

I was trying to fool her.

Last night I saw a film starring James.

Anyway, what were they saying?

They were trying to rhyme something with Quantum of Solace.

All we could think of was Dollis, the old shoe shop.

And that's no good, because kids don't know what Dollis is.

They went bust, didn't they?

Did they?

I don't think they exist anymore.

Maybe they do.

If they do, I'm sorry, Dollis.

Well, we discussed this before we left, didn't we, that the other thing you could rhyme it with was Wallace, as in Wallace and Gromit.

That's right.

And I was really trying hard to work in a Wallace rhyme.

Really?

Yeah.

There we go, so get another name drop queued up.

I was sitting next to Rob Brydon.

He came up with that.

He, for some reason, has written a Quantum of Solace song as well.

Has he?

I only came in on that fag end of the conversation, but that's what they were talking about.

What's he doing writing Quantum of Solace songs?

I don't know.

He's on our patch.

All comedians are all over it.

It's the most unimaginative idea in the world.

Is it?

Oh, wicked.

Anyway, but I haven't rhymed it with Dollis or Wallace.

Neither have I. I've gone for a different rhyme.

Really?

Yeah, I've rhymed a different word.

Really?

Oh, you're gonna find out.

I'm excited, so that's coming up soon.

That's coming up within the next half hour, is it not?

Yeah.

Yes, in fact, like within the next quarter for now.

Let's play another record.

This is a free play and this popped up when I was on holiday with Will Smith, the song.

And we were out there, we were by the pool and I had the iPod or MP3, non-generic MP3 player on shuffle and this song popped up.

by Bananarama and the Funboy 3.

I hope this is the version by Bananarama and the Funboy 3.

And I forgot how amazing it was.

You know which song this is, right?

This is their cover of It Ain't What You Do.

It's the way that you do it.

Check it out.

There's a brand new group.

They're called the Dandy Warhols, like Andy Warhol, but with a D in front.

And the lead singer is Man and the...

Lady that plays the keyboards doesn't wear any clothes at all.

Really?

That's her gimmick.

That's a novel twist.

Has that ever happened in Pop?

Has there ever been a nude band?

Nude?

There must have been, surely.

I mean, I know in the 60s a lot of bands got nude.

Yeah, they get nude, don't they?

But is there any band ever been a band whose whole thing has been to be nude?

To spend all their time nude.

It's only a matter of time.

We're obsessed with nudity.

We are.

The BBC as a whole is obsessed with nudity.

And the lavatory?

No, it's not.

I was just trying that out as a statement.

There's nothing wrong with it.

I maintain that it's a leveler, you know?

It's something that we all share.

You're obsessed with the lavatory.

I love the lavatory.

It's my favorite room.

I'm obsessed with nudity.

When we come together, we are nude in the bathroom.

That's our band.

That's what they're called.

Listen, we've already made two mistakes.

It's not even 25.

That's true.

The shoe shop isn't Dollis, is it?

I seem to remember there was a shoe shop called Dollis.

Someone's texted in to say it's Dollsis, which is quite right because that rhymes better with Solis, does it?

Well, nobody's got a C in it that's good.

It doesn't exactly rhyme, but there's something going on there that's a bit better.

If you ask me is the is at the end makes it sound a bit like solace.

Yeah dulcis solace Also, I said I was referring to Forests pumping out co2 Right.

They don't really do they know otherwise they'd be pollutants exactly.

Otherwise, they'd be worse than cars replace them with massive fields of cars

In fact, there'd be a government drive to cut down all the greenery.

Yeah, that would have been a better M like and what's his face?

And like Shyamalan.

Yeah.

Have you seen that one yet?

Yeah.

Is it any good?

Yeah.

No, no, it's not very good.

But it's quite fun to watch.

Right.

Sometimes the bad ones are better than the good ones.

He's your favorite.

Yeah, he's got terribly sparkly eyes.

It really does.

It's got beautiful eyes.

That's right.

Listen, next weekend, as you might have heard on that trailer, this show, this very show, will be coming live from the Summer Sunday, which is a very exciting festival that takes place where, Adam?

Leicester.

Yes.

And it's a weekend of music.

Who's on the build?

Do you know?

Supergrass.

Yeah.

I'm just quoting from the trail.

Jonas, policewoman.

There you go.

And apparently we'll be in the Six Music Ice Cream Van.

Does that exist?

If it doesn't, I'm going to be really upset if it's a figure of speech.

Because that would be perfect.

You'd have microphones in the shape of ice creams.

You'd have, you know, the things that you pull like on a bar when you draw beer.

Instead of faders.

You know?

That would be good.

I don't think it's referred to as the ice cream van though, is it?

Or is it?

in the trailer it is.

Really?

It's not a nice cream van.

So that's a lie really isn't it?

It's a BBC lie.

But then we got you, Sunday over the main.

And we'll be passing out flakes, that kind of thing.

That's a lie.

That is a lie, actually.

But no, I can't wait to be there.

Are you going along, this is?

In fact, I'm going to a festival this weekend.

Are you?

When I leave here today, I'm going to the Big Chill.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

You're going to do some comedy there?

I'm doing... Tonight, I'm hosting the Pop Video Night I Do Bug.

Good one.

A collection of pop videos from the BFI.

And then tomorrow night, I'm doing a bit of stand-up at the Underbelly Tent.

From the BFG.

Uh, it's nice to do with BFG.

Really?

No.

Will he be there?

Uh, yeah.

He runs the festival.

With his snoozled track?

Yes.

He runs the... He's playing... He's playing after Leonard Cohen.

Giving out a whole lot of... What does he eat?

What are those cucumbers called?

The big friendly giant eats.

You know what?

It was never my favorite... Snoozled... Wiggles... It was never my favorite rolled... ...doll book.

I like it.

Do you really?

If you're at the Summer Sunday though, next weekend, do try and come and say hello.

DJs always say that, don't they?

But if you actually do try and come and say hello, you'd probably get hit by security.

Yeah, we've got a lot of security.

But no, do.

And similarly, at Big Chill, come and say hi.

It's going to be rainy though.

I haven't got my wellies.

Anyway, listen, more music now.

This is Essa with Headlock.

Oh, you got me in a headlock.

You've got me in a headlock.

Who's that visa?

He's called Essa and the song's called Headlock.

It's the first track play listed at Six Music to be available as a t-shirt.

Apparently it's a digital release and you can't buy it on CD.

You have to go and buy a t-shirt and that gives you a sort of serial number and that lets you download the record.

This is a whole new innovation in record releasing.

It's a shame we're just coming up to the news because we could bang on about that for some time.

Maybe we will do after the news.

It's released as a t-shirt.

I mean, that's more or less that means that the apocalypse is pretty much nice.

Really?

Is that one of the signs?

It's one of the signs written in Revelations yet.

When stuff starts getting released on a t-shirt, it says etched in stone.

then things are gonna start ending.

We'll come back to that.

This is Adam and Joe on 6 Music.

It's now time for the news with Harvey Cooke.

Very good.

That's Bob Mould, aka Sugar, with If I Can't Change Your Mind.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

We're very happy to be back after a break of three weeks.

That's gonna be our last break for a while, I think.

You know, we're chained to the castle now.

Not allowed to leave.

Quite some time.

We've used up all our holiday allowance.

All our holiday passes.

Here till Christmas.

And beyond.

But now, it's time for a regular, uh, feature.

It's Song Wars.

Who will win the Song Wars today?

Perhaps it will be Adam, or it could be Jo.

He the one.

You will be the one who decides by texting or emailing when you hear the clip.

Although they can't text, right?

For this one?

Wait, wait!

I like this jingle.

Doesn't you say something towards the end?

I just... vary the... here.

Oh no, no, it's much later, it's much later.

Don't you say poopy-do?

I say fatter-tar.

Fatter-tar.

Surely that's worth waiting for.

There we are.

There we go.

Okay, Song Wars, if you've just tuned in or you're a new listener, is the part of the show where Adam and I compose songs entirely on our own using our computers and they're on a theme and then we battle them.

And the way we battle them is by playing them both, which we'll be doing in a second, and then we get you to vote for the one that you like best.

Or worse, if you hate them both, you can take a sort of loathing point of view on the competition.

And for this we're asking you just to email your votes, right?

Right.

Big British Castle has new, very stringent rules about all any kind of competitive or interactive activity.

Quite rightly so.

Rightly so, yes, this is a national service.

Exactly, I mean many people have died in the past with competitions going wrong, texts going awry.

Yeah, lives have been lost, lives have been ruined.

you know families little girl have been torn apart who wanted to enter a competition and she did but what she didn't realize is that she had no chance of winning exactly and as a result she died and there was another man in uh the north of england who texted his vote to a competition and the text failed to get through and she and he died

just instantly died exploded so we don't want that to happen he popped i mean enough people are dead i think enough lives have been lost stop this madness stop the slaughter find everyone email your votes for song wars even if you're listening again on the wonderful listen again especially if you're listening again

Exactly the email addresses Adam and Joe all one word the word and is the and not an ampersand dot the number six music at BBC dot Co dot UK You say email addresses like my dad says phone numbers.

I try and explain those seven years possible seven oh, oh nine five fine three three three one

2-5.

That's just a very long number.

Okay, so it's Bond songs, or more specifically, Quantum of Solace songs.

When does Quantum of Solace come out?

I think in October or something, November maybe towards the end of the year.

It's very exciting.

How much do you know about the film?

Quite a bit.

Oh really?

Well actually not that much.

I know that it continues the story from the previous one, which I'm not happy with.

I like Bond to be freestanding adventures, with a different silly nutball every time.

As if anyone can remember what the story was in the last one anyway.

I know, something about Vesper, a Vesper.

Something about man, men chasing each other, slapping each other, mussling faces, and a bit of torture.

But this one continues on.

It picks up 10 minutes after the last one.

The last film that did that was Halloween 2, wasn't it?

And look at that.

for a disaster the only good bit was the bit with the razor in the apple and that was obviously awful yeah um anyway so i don't know and it yeah involves a lot of slapping you're right probably some uh some light testicle torture have we got a coin for who's going to play our song first whose whose song is going to be played first yeah that's true coins here we go i've got one okay heads or tails uh i'm calling heads to play mine first

Okay, if it's heads, yours is played first.

This is exciting.

It is heads.

Okay, give us a little introductory spiel about your song, Adam Butler.

Well, I was talking to Richard Curtis last night.

Hey, how come he doesn't get a demeaning noise?

Yeah, from the vicar of Diddley.

And I was saying to Richard that I, in my opinion, the classic Bond themes have had many different segments in there.

Like Live and Let Die.

That is a good one.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Didn't that win an Oscar?

It should have done if it didn't.

But you know, that's got the reggae section in there and there's a kind of jazz breakdown in there.

It's a brilliant, it's maybe the best Bond theme in my opinion.

And I'm always very fond of having little sections in my song or songs anyway, so I thought this is ideal.

But actually, the way it turned out, I really did my best to construct the song from scratch.

No loops in here, except for a couple of drum loops, but it's all played from scratch.

And as a result, it's a kind of cacophonous nightmare.

And also I'm really singing on this one as well.

Wow, I'm excited.

Is it called The Quantum of Solace?

Yeah, it's called The Quantum of Solace.

It's a good title.

How did you think of that?

I don't remember.

I think Will Smith suggested it.

Right.

So let's hear what you think of it.

I'm James Bond, I'm a spy And I'm working for the Brits I've got cars and guns and gadgets I've got ladies with big brains I've got licenses to kill I've got licenses to fish I've got sex to kill

But here's my biggest wish I'd like a quantum with solace But no more than a quantum I know they do big bags of solace But I don't want them I only want a teeny tiny slice of solace Before I shoot you... Fought of location chase, thought of location chase Shooting does the baddest in the busy forest

I do want to stop you, yes, but only if it's exciting I met a lovely lady, but found out she was a rotter So we exchanged some saucy quips, I snogged her, then I shot her

But I felt quite bad because I'm such a modern complex guy Sometimes this job gets to you and maybe that is why I'd like a quantum of solace But no more than a quantum I know they do big bags of solace But I don't want them I only want a teeny tiny slice of solace Before I shoot you

Quantum of solace I'm saying the name of the film of the music Quantum of solace

I think we will meet again, Mr Bond.

Okay?

That doesn't sound like a very scary villain.

No, he's not.

Bond doesn't sound like his heart's in it either.

He's quite tired.

He's been at the gym all day.

He's only 10 minutes after the last one.

Exactly, he's absolutely exhausted.

So you're going there with quantum as a measure of quantity, right?

Is that not what it is?

In physics, a quantum, plural, quanta, I'm not reading this, is an indivisible entity of a quantity that has the same units as the Planck constant and is related both to energy and momentum of elementary particles of matter called...

fermions and a photons and other bosons.

The word comes from the Latin quantus for how much?

So it's actually an indivisible entity of quantity.

So it's a very small amount.

I don't know that you could go into a newsagent and ask for a quantum of pair drops.

You could surely.

Could you?

Absolutely.

What would their reply be?

Do they even sell... Do they decant sweets like that anymore?

Maybe in country towns?

In tiny... Yeah, they would have little tiny jars.

Yeah, tiny.

Just one pair drop.

You just shavings of pair drops.

Yeah, a quantum of pair drops.

What else is it about?

What's the title?

I mean, it's... You read synopses of the film on the internet and there's no mention of solace or quantum.

He's just very lonely.

Is he?

Yeah.

Well, that's what I was trying to get at, you see.

That was good though.

He has a license to fish?

Yeah, I was gonna make loads of license jokes.

Let's hear yours.

And Air Miles, I like the Air Miles reference because that's an aspect of Bond you don't hear about a lot.

No.

He must really top them up.

Well, he must have loads.

He gets into all the lounges.

Yeah, he does, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Misbehaves there.

Kills people and makes a mess So that's quantum of solace song number one.

How people yeah, that's Adam song You're just gonna have to vote either Adam or Joe I guess because they're both called the quantum of solace And is that being offered to the makers of the film for use if the Jack White and Alicia Keys thing falls through?

Well, actually they called

me last night yeah and they they said that they would like to use it that's funny what time did they call you they called me at 9 15 they called me at 9 20 that's said that they'd spoken to you but they'd subsequently heard the song and thought it was plops that was the word they use the word plops yeah it was cubby broccoli that's a bit harsh and it's not a Buxton song plops it's plops and then they say yeah let me hear is that is that how cubby broccoli speaks he may have done when he was alive

But I think he's the late Cubby Broccoli.

You would be talking to his widow now.

Really?

He's the one that deals with the franchise.

I was talking to him via a Ouija board.

Yeah, this was a sale.

I'm not on the phone.

Play your song music.

Okay, here's the song.

This is my Quantum of Solace song and it's pretty self-explanatory really.

I will say that I bought a new jam pack for my gallery pack.

Which one did you buy?

Strings.

Yeah, I thought you needed some strings.

So this is Quantum of Solace song number two.

He's got a gun and great big man tits He's got your gears and tiny trunks Denuded dents, he's furious with him He's gone completely out to lunch The quantum of solace I don't know what that means But he's having flashbacks in black

The suntan of Doris The suntan of Qualis Did I get it confused?

I got his new style He's nearly dead, no really near me It's much more pretty than before No silly gadget, just looks more fighting With that French bloke that does parkour The thingy of what's that thing of Boris

I forgot what it's called, cause that's what it was Sometimes I wish Roger Moore would come back With an underwater car or some kind of jetpack Or a hover-punder-lar and a union jet Forget it mate, it's not the 80's He'd rather kick you in the face We've got a new bond for the naughty's

Wow.

There we go.

Song number two.

That's good.

So that's the big fight this morning between Quantum of Solace, song number one and two.

Mine was a bit less silly than yours.

What are you, what?

I don't know.

I went for a classic, you only live twice style era by me.

I was more like Bowie via Madonna.

That's what I was thinking.

Did that come across at all?

No, no.

But

That's good.

That's going to win, I think.

You never can tell.

Never can tell.

But listen, let's have some more real music now.

This is Joe's choice for you.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

Don't forget to email your votes for Song Wars.

They're at AdamandJoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

We announced the winner in a couple of weeks.

No, next week.

We'll announce it next week.

Yeah, when we're at Summer Sunday.

But two vote right now.

This is a free play.

This is from... This is The RZA, right?

This is what we're having next.

This is from, yeah, the RZA's new album, The RZA, as Bobby Digital.

This is fantastic.

It's the clean version.

So there are some backwards naughty words, but they're backwards.

No one will understand them.

This is called You Can't Stop Me Now.

That was very good.

Reckless Eric with Hole Wide World.

That was recorded as a session track for the John Peel show on Radio One on the 25th of September 1977.

I wonder if any listeners out there have got the Rizzer as Bobby Digital album.

I've only heard that single.

I wonder if the album's as good as that.

That's the track we played before Reckless Eric there.

You can't stop me now.

He's from the Wonta, anyway.

He is, yeah.

They were playing in London recently.

They were apparently very, very good.

What does their show involve, I wonder?

Puppets.

A little nativity play.

Fun toot horns.

Some fun toot, always fun toot horns.

A lot of audience participation.

Yeah.

That kind of thing.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

It's nice, isn't it?

There is a beanstalk at the end.

Good job.

No, I don't know.

It probably involves killing and shooting.

Some of them are dead now, aren't they?

from the clan yeah which ones odb odb yeah what happened to him he got very ill off of drugs i think did he did i think he did i think that's right it's never a good idea drugs are they don't work to dabble with them as i was on my way this is nothing to do with any of that but uh just by the by as i was on my way from the tube this morning

I overheard a conversation between a man on the street, and he was sort of standing there looking hopefully at passers-by, you know?

He would have looked hopefully at me if I'd been a little bit further down the pavement.

Hopeful for what?

Well, this is the thing.

He basically stepped up to the bloke who was just ahead of me walking along,

And I could hear him launching into a whole spiel.

Like, sorry to bother you, mate.

I just, you won't believe it.

I left the house this morning.

I'm supposed to be on my way to hospital.

You know, my grand's in there.

I locked myself out of the house.

I haven't got any money.

And, you know, it was one of those spiels, right?

Which you instantly think you're lying.

You're lying to me, it's basically your begging, but you've just decided that you're gonna concoct this elaborate tale to somehow legitimize the begging as if you're making some sort of effort.

You know?

But then a little part of you always thinks, well maybe it's true, and maybe I'm just jaded and cynical.

beaten down by the modern world.

And why shouldn't I believe my fellow man if he's asking me for help, you know?

How do you respond in those situations?

Well, I always judge it on the quality of the lie.

Right.

I agree with you that, yeah, you can see through it almost instantly.

But part of me thinks, well, this person's ashamed to be asking for money, so they're trying to sort of save face and self-respect by building a story.

So, you know, if you don't believe it, it's a bit insulting to them.

So do you pick apart the story ever?

If they say they're collecting for charity, that's a popular one in my area, is a clipboard, a fake sponsorship form, and something about sponsoring kiddies.

Not the football guy.

Do you get the football guy?

Possibly.

Because Joe and I live quite close in South London and there was a guy who used to come round all the time and I always used to give him money because one time he gave me his card, he sort of flashed a card at me and he gave me a number even,

to call to check it out and I phoned the number and there was an answering machine message saying really you've come through to the local footballs nice place and you know so we've done all that wow but so I was totally convinced that I was happy to give him money whenever he came by and he said oh you won't see me for you know I'll come around once a year or something

It was rubbish.

He came round every couple of months or whatever.

I always gave him quite a lot of money.

And then one day someone said... You should have asked to go and see the team play.

Well, he wanted me to.

Did he?

He said he wanted me to.

But I must assume that everyone is just going to be lazy and won't go along.

Yeah, I'd love to see the team play.

How are they doing anyway?

I always had a little chat with him.

But then someone said the football guy is a total fraud and he's been busted.

The woman who I saw with the clipboard

and she was wandering around our local organic food market, but she was collecting money for homeless people and alcoholics.

So really it was just a sort of semantic adjustment to an honest, you know, proposal.

Because she was collecting money for herself, but she'd arranged it as if she was in charge of a scheme that helped people like her.

She was representing them.

Yeah, the scheme.

Yeah, which is fine.

Absolutely.

I think one should always give a little bit of money.

and be very nice.

I mean, the one I fell for the other day was just outrageous, which is this guy saying, yeah, I live just down the road.

I'm at number 35 down there and just lock myself out.

And I'm supposed to be going to pick up my kids.

And, you know, he looked like a pretty respectable kid.

It's always kids in jeopardy.

That's a key trope of these things.

And he was so specific.

He said, I've got to go to the garage.

I've got to get a new fan belt.

It costs 9.99.

Is there any way you could just lend me a tenner?

And I will post it back through your door later today.

Okay, here you go.

Gave him a tenner.

For the fan belt to pick up his kids.

Cause he's my neighbour.

He lives down the same street as me.

We're all neighbours, right?

You gotta help out your neighbours.

No, and of course I never saw him again.

And I just felt like such a jerk and I wanted to find him and rip his fan belt out through his... Would you respond to honesty if someone knocked on your door and said, hello?

I'm addicted to crack.

Yeah.

And I can't afford any.

And I really, really badly need some.

I'm craving it.

You wouldn't believe it.

Please, please lend me a five pounds for a quantum of crack.

If they said it in that voice, I would.

Would you?

They were very poor.

Yeah.

But, I mean, what would you do, like, if one day you were really in that sort of situation yourself and you were genuinely in trouble and you, you know, you had locked yourself out and you did have to get to the hospital to help your wife who was just been admitted there after a car accident or something?

You know, you'd be stuffed, wouldn't you?

Because... But you probably wouldn't stink if you're in an half-skate.

That's the key.

It's the stench and the scabs.

That's the key, isn't it?

We're going to launch Text-o-Nation very shortly, but first here's some more music for you.

This is R.E.M., they're an exciting new band.

The lead singer is bald and he has a blue stripe across his face.

This is called Man-Sized Wreath.

Text-o-Nation, text, text, text, Text-o-Nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-o-Nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

yes it's text the nation time here on the adam and joe radio show on bbc6 music what's going on i'm just trying some new headphones well the previous ones i was wearing were mono and i was sort of upset listening to some of the music was all coming out mono and i'm trying these different ones now and why was everybody laughing at you?

Because I just got all, like, different headphones on now.

You got tangled up.

Yeah.

Now I have to take the new ones off to switch the old ones.

How undignified.

Don't worry.

It's all fine.

Everything's fine.

Thank God this isn't television.

Yeah, exactly.

You'd be a national laughingstock.

OK, there we go.

That's been... Oh, listen, that's amazing.

It's Text the Nation Time listeners.

This is a complicated quiz.

I'm going to explain it, so listen very carefully.

We give you a kind of a question.

You text in answers, and we read the answers out over the airwaves.

Not even answers, though, are they?

They're comments, really.

Well, they're sort of answers.

They're responses.

Yeah.

That's right.

It's another word for an answer, I suppose.

Free sponsors.

So this week, we are talking about t-shirts.

Yeah, novelty t-shirts.

You know listeners, if you buy a magazine like maybe Viz, or The Fortean Times, or Q Magazine, towards the back, you might get a page-sized advert from a t-shirt company who are selling the latest

t-shirts that it's cool to wear round the place and it would have some kind of picture on it that's designed to make people think you're cool.

One of the ones I saw in Q magazine the other day, they had a whole page of particularly lame ones, was I'm Barry Scott

And it's got a picture from the Sillit Bang out there.

Yeah.

And that's student favorites.

Exactly.

So it sums up a lot of what the whole T-shirt market is about.

A lot of them are very rude.

So we've got to be careful here.

They there you go.

I'm the stick.

That's a popular T-shirt.

That's a Top Gear thing, though, isn't it?

I saw a child in an I'm the Stick T-shirt.

That a child couldn't be the Stig.

The Stig is their stunt driver, right?

Who's like an anonymous, mysterious figure.

Always masked, yeah.

Well that's popular.

I don't think that's too stupid though.

It's popular but not too stupid.

That's like wearing I am Spartacus or something.

Yeah, it's a bit like that.

But here is one, for instance, from... We're looking at the NME here.

There's a page of stupid t-shirts.

One says, I prefer Britney bald.

There you go.

So sometimes if you cash in on, you know, a pop cultural phenomenon, that can be a good thing to make money from.

What else?

There's another one with a picture of a scuba diver, and it says, the deeper you go, the better it feels.

That's not about scuba diving, is it?

I saw one that said, I love lamp.

What's that?

What does that mean?

And it's got like a little silhouette of a lamp.

Right, so that's sort of student-y randomness, right?

There's your classics, your I'm with stupids, your my parents went to XYZ, and all they got me was this t-shirt.

Yeah.

Whoever invented that, did they copyright that, do you think?

You can't copyright something like that, surely.

I think you can copyright a t-shirt design, can't you?

No.

A statement you can copyright.

I like the Pope, the Pope smokes dope.

Someone's got a rich offer.

Yes.

No.

Well, that's what this whole Text the Nation pivots round.

We're trying to come up with slogans and design ideas that can make us a billion, a pretty penny.

I think I've got one.

Have you?

It came to me during our break, just the one idea.

Right.

I was trying to think hard of a new t-shirt slogan that would say, if I set up a stall on Oxford Circus or Camden Market or any regional market,

I think with an idea like one what I've had yeah I would make a lot of money because what's going on in people's minds when they pass a stall and they see a t-shirt they think that is so funny and unusual I have got to wear that yeah it's gonna impress people they're gonna think I'm sexy and funny and clever it's ephemeral you know it's fairly cheap 10 to 15 to 20 25 pounds maybe I'm charging and you know so it's like a badge it's like a very big badge with sleeves yeah

uh so do you want to hear my ideas hit me i was thinking very hard and the first i was thinking along the lines of something to do with area 61 is it area 51 51 yeah area 61 was uh well wait i was getting confused i was jumping ahead of myself area 51 aliens are very confused what aliens are very popular with uh

T-shirt designs, you know smoking a jazz cigarette or something.

So my idea was area 69 Nice you can fill in the rest.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's a combination of filth

and aliens.

It is.

It can imagine what the aliens are doing.

It's sort of a combination of filth and aliens, but not much.

No, but you know, you do want to stretch people's brains.

No.

That would sell.

But then I thought that's not good enough.

So then I thought, what about a video game one?

What about if you had a picture of Mario from the Mario games?

Like it.

And he's just urinating.

And he's urinating in a puddle and looking happy about it.

And underneath it just says Nintendo Wii.

That's quite good.

It's not sophisticated, but there's a blunt baseness about it.

I was trying to think of a wee something, yeah.

But then I threw those away and I came up with what I think is the winner.

Those are both copyrighted by the way.

I wanted to be Nintendo Wii.

It would be the look on Mario's face.

That's key.

Would he be urinating on one of the other characters, maybe?

Very possibly.

On Yoshi.

Or maybe Toad.

I like it.

Maybe Toad.

That's fun.

Anyway, but I rejected those.

You can have those.

The winner I thought, I thought, cash in on the apprentice fever.

Alan Sugar's fame.

It's a picture of Alan Sugar.

He's going he's in the you're fired position right pointing his finger.

We'll have to get BBC approval for this But in he's pointing two fingers and in his two fingers are a jazz cigarette right and instead of saying you're fired He's saying you're fried nice.

You know you're gonna get rich off that

Get that's copyright Joe Cornish you could at the very least you could go into business with sugar I mean he if he's got yeah But if he's got the business brain that we think he has then he does would know that that is a win He invented Amstrad computers.

They're still the most popular computer in the workplace.

Absolutely.

They've got green writing Whenever you try to type anything hamstrad PC 9 5 w 1 2

Isn't that what it was?

You used to be a big fan of Amsterdam.

I had one, yeah.

Man, that's a brilliant idea.

Well, there's three brilliant ideas, Alan Buxton.

I've only got one.

I would say that's two good ideas, one brilliant idea.

Area 69.

My idea is also alien-based.

Good.

And you've got a picture of a little, the classic little green man on the front there.

He's wearing swimming trunks.

And he's saying, take me to your lado.

I mean, the only problem with that one is that some people pronounce it Lido.

But for my purposes, he's saying, take me to your Lido.

Yeah, that's good.

Are you laughing with approval or disgust, Jude?

What do you want?

Your fry?

It's just as good as your fry.

I don't know.

The first... Take me to your Lido.

I like it, man, because the first half of the word is the same.

Lido.

Most people say Lido.

That's the correct pronunciation.

He's not bothered about meeting George Bush.

He just wants us to go for a thing.

That's good.

That'd be good for kids.

Yeah.

I mean, mine are transgressive.

Listen, it's better than this other one.

This is a real one.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost Island in 24 hours.

What's that?

What is that?

That's real.

It's a real t-shirt slogan.

Why would you think, oh, I've got to buy that.

I've got to wear that.

I've got to let people know that I watched Lost in 24 and I've amazingly fused the two in this genius slogan.

So that's the idea, listeners.

we want you to text us on 64046 or you can email adamandjoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk.

Our team of researchers will be instantly reading your missive and it'll be especially assessed for whether it's suitable for broadcast.

We want your ideas for a brilliant, you know, money-raising novelty t-shirt.

And you know, whenever we do text the nation sometimes, we talk about the fact that we're gonna get rich and someone should do this.

This time, I think it would be nice if we really did get rich.

Really?

Yeah.

And it would be great if there was someone out there who had the wherewithal to help us actually produce some of the t-shirts we're gonna talk about today.

Well, I tell you what, the BBC could probably get us in touch with sugar.

Yeah.

Right?

Don't you think, Jude?

You work on this during the week.

We want Sugar on next week to assess some of these ideas.

Or, if not Sugar, then maybe one of the dragons.

Maybe we'd put up with one of the fired dragons, the Australian one, who was only there for one season, and then we wind off that one.

You're a great bloke.

It's a terrific idea, but it's not for me, I'm out.

Get him.

Get me on the phone doing an impression.

But seriously, if you're out there and you're listening and you can help us manufacture some of these t-shirts fairly cheaply and help us get considerably richer than we are.

First things first, let's not put the cart before the horse.

Alright then.

We've got to get the ideas.

We've already got your fried and take me to your leader more.

It's true.

We're already in the money 6 4 0 4 6 with your ideas for killer novelty t-shirts now Here's a free play for you listeners one of my favorite bands, and this is I think maybe one of their best tracks And it fades in as well dude.

This is unusual for a song isn't it?

I mean, yeah, start it now.

How many songs fade in?

Not that many.

And this is one of the best.

It's Cities by Talking Heads.

Apparently it's Mercury's in retrograde.

Really?

Yeah.

What does that mean and why?

I don't know.

But he's obsessed with the idea of letting people know about it and just talking about it until...

The message gets through.

So listen, we're in the middle of Tech the Nation right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the nation's favourite feature.

We're asking you to submit your ideas for t-shirt slogans or just any t-shirt ideas.

We want to get rich.

Joe's got his brilliant Alan Sugar one.

Alan Sugar's standing there and he's pointing a jazz-siggy at you and he's saying, you're fried.

Did we say what that record was before?

Mercury's in retrograde, is it called?

No, just called Mercury by Block Party.

Oh, right.

jolly good yeah t-shirt stuff and we've already got some ideas in it's hard to tell sometimes whether these are things people have made up or whether they're actual slogans oh i should say incidentally as well that people have reminded us that i love lamp is a quote from anchorman yeah so there you go so here are some ideas that have come in um somebody says i mean one or two people just to get this going they're telling us about slogans that they've already got and like you know ones that may be a genuinely quite good

For instance, Hugh in Cardiff is saying he bought a t-shirt that said, Home Honey, I'm High.

That's not bad.

That's not bad, is it?

Yeah.

Home Honey, I'm High.

Did he swap round the High and the Home?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I suppose.

It's a bit depressing though.

A little bit.

You don't want to come home high.

What's the home honey bit though?

That doesn't really make that much sense.

In order to completely work, it should be 100% legitimate.

Is this what you'd be saying to him if you'd met him at a party wearing that t-shirt?

Yeah.

You'd be standing there with a drink in your hand.

Oh, your t-shirt's quite funny, but what's the home thing?

I see what you're trying to do with the t-shirt.

I think it's about 70% there.

I think it's amusing.

And make me chuckle.

You're clearly a funny chap.

But you just don't think things through.

I mean, home honey.

What is a home honey?

It doesn't make that much sense, does it?

Nice to meet you, though.

Here's an idea from Dave in Salford.

He says, my t-shirt idea is, quotes, I was with stupid, but he's wandered off now and I'm growing increasingly concerned for his safety.

That's brilliant.

Is that real?

I've never seen that.

Other listeners, you're going to have to tell us whether you've ever seen these before.

You've got to.

Yeah, you could be trying to diddle

You've got to say whether you have claimed to invent them yourself or whether you've just seen them somewhere else, but that's a good one.

That's a very good one.

We might put that into production.

I'm going to asterisk that one.

Do a little picture of an asterisk next to it.

I'm going to draw a little picture of asterisk next to it.

Here's another one from Chris in Cambridge.

He says, hello, got a good one.

668, the neighbour of the beast.

That's very good.

I'm sure I've seen that.

I think I might have seen this.

I feel like I've seen that, but that's the hallmark of a brilliant idea though, if you feel you've seen it before.

That's either well remembered or if it's made up, that's very clever, Chris.

The neighbour of the beast.

I'm sure I've seen that.

We've got some, quite a lot of people are going for kind of, you know, just blatant truth telling.

John in Croydon.

Have we already had a John in Croydon?

No.

John in Croydon says, he'd do one similar to those ones that say, drinking, the more I drink, the better looking you get.

But his would say, drinking causes your liver to shut down, eventually resulting in complete renal failure.

I think that's good.

That's very good.

He's got the drinking in big letters and the small print smaller, obviously.

Yeah, because one of the real t-shirts I saw on one of the advert pages in Q magazine, I think it was, was a bloke lying down, apparently passed out in a field with a green t-shirt on that said paralytic instead of paramedic.

Ah.

See what I mean?

Yeah.

And that's, I mean, why would you want to...

Especially if you actually needed a paramedic.

Exactly.

Especially if you are paralytic.

And you actually passed out.

And you're in serious medical trouble.

Need medical attention.

And the paramedics would probably get there and be so insulted.

That's right.

By somebody using such levity.

That you'd die.

That you would die.

That's tragic.

We don't want the whole thing to result in death.

An anonymous texter has just texted us in something, you know, an observation about how people who wear t-shirts like this, you know, it's a sign that they might be a bit thick sometimes.

He says, I once saw a young chap wearing a Harry Potter and the Pornographer's Friend t-shirt.

It depicted Harry Potter using wizardry to undress a young woman.

He was holding a bunch of flowers.

As my train pulled away, I saw him greet what I presume was his date.

This was in Croydon.

There's a sort of, I don't know, he's not really saying anything particular with that.

Was that from my dad?

Very possibly.

Listen, please keep your texts and emails coming in on the subject of t-shirt slogans and please do indicate if you have invented them yourself or if you've just seen them somewhere else.

But we've got lots more that have already come in, which we're going to tell you about shortly.

But first,

We're going to play some more music, and before that, here is the news, read by Harvey Cook.

Quarter to noon I'm a little bit depressed about mine I had I was saying because I worked pretty hard on it really and it was one of those ones I got it finished late last night when we got back from the wedding in fact I did the final tweaks on it before I sent it into Jude and It felt good, but then listening to it today just seemed rubbish

I don't know man, I've been having a little look at some of the votes that have come in via email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk and you're well in the lead.

No.

Yeah.

People like a laugh.

Do they like a laugh?

They like to laugh.

Especially in such gloomy times.

Yeah.

With the credit crunch.

The crunch.

The French apples.

Do you think um... Falling from the sky.

Crunchy bars are doing better with the crunch.

They should call themselves credit crunches definitely.

Yeah.

They should turn the inside green like money.

Also, there's a cereal called Crunch, isn't there?

Might be.

Harvest Crunch.

That's got to be doing well as well.

You think anything like Crunch?

Because some people, where there's gloom, some people are capitalizing on the gloom.

You know what I mean?

Someone has got to be having a good time thanks to the Crunch.

I'm just wondering who it is, that's all.

Anyway, that's By the By.

We're in the middle of Texanation.

Are we in a position to read out a few more?

Sure, yeah, we are.

Let's have the jingle.

Text-a-nation!

Text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

On Text the Nation, this week we're asking you to come up with brilliant ideas for t-shirt slogans, the kind of thing that if you set up a stall in your local market, you would have made a billion pounds by the end of the day.

Have you ever actually gone and had a t-shirt made for you?

No, I didn't make a... I have on occasion tried to make a t-shirt when I couldn't afford it as a kid.

I drew a Ghostbusters one.

Nice.

But it looked a bit wonky.

I went into a printing shop and I got someone to print me up a t-shirt.

When I was at college, I was at art school.

It's the kind of thing you do there at art school.

Crazy madcap ideas like that.

And I had a couple of t-shirts made for me.

I think I've still got some.

Do you remember?

I made some.

Like when we were doing the Adam and Jo show, I got it into my head that I was going to be a t-shirt baron.

What did they have on them?

They had like random sort of designs, like drawn designs, very simple graphic-y designs.

One of them had the word Henk, H-E-N-K.

I remember that one.

Little random word that I thought, this is nutty, I'm going to put this on a t-shirt, that'll play with people's minds in an enjoyable way.

How did it go, mate?

Not that well.

Also, they were too small for me.

so i looked grotesque wandering around in my hank t-shirt and uh yeah that's as far as i got but i mean i'm gonna go and get uh take me to your lido with the with the alien on there and the swimming trunks done very shortly here's some more ideas that have come in from listeners and people are being uh careful to stress that these ideas are their own and we like that a bit of clarity and honesty when it comes to the origin of your idea jesse and shrewsbury says these are

His or her own work.

Don't know the gender of Jessie.

Maybe she's gender indeterminate.

Maybe.

A hermaphrodite.

Yes.

Or just confused.

What's the opposite of a hermaphrodite?

A herman-frodite.

No, a hermaphrodite's both, right?

Yeah.

And what's something that is asexual?

A mannequin.

No?

I don't know.

Carry on.

Hello, three designs for your consideration.

Design number one, Roger Daltrey in the TARDIS.

Underneath, Doctor Who.

Well, you know, that's pretty basic stuff there.

It's not bad.

It'll sell.

When I say not bad... You mean bad.

I mean a little bit bad.

Second idea is my other t-shirt is a Prada.

I don't know about that one.

Well, again, it does the job.

I mean, there are many worse t-shirts than that on the market, let me tell you.

And then the third idea is Die Hard Overdose on Viagra.

That's very good.

There's something there.

Do you think Jesse made that up?

Yeah, I would say on the strength of the other two.

We're putting that to market, Jesse.

That's good, though, Die Hard.

How would you do that?

Would there be a picture of Bruce Willis with a bottle of Viagra?

Yeah.

Or what a bad picture of Nakatomi Towers.

But it's floppy.

Not bad.

But then would Nakatomi Towers be instantly recognisable?

They would if Willow was next to it.

If who?

Bruce Willow.

Well speaking of which, here's one from Pete, and this is a good one.

He says, Silhouetted midgets, hitting each other with pillows.

The t-shirt reads, Willow fight.

Like the film Willow.

That's quite good.

They'd have to be like clearly medieval Willow style midgets.

Yeah.

What's the name of the actor in Willow?

Brian Dennehy.

No, not that one.

The short actor.

I forget his name.

He's the guy.

Oh, that's terrible.

No, it's not Kenny Baker, although maybe Kenny Baker might be in it, but.

I know the guy you mean.

Yeah, it's the other guy.

That's a good idea, though, isn't it?

That's going to market at fantasy conventions.

That's not bad.

That one would fly, definitely.

I wouldn't wear any of these myself, though.

Wouldn't you?

No.

I might wear your fried.

Really?

And what was the other one we had before?

The neighbour of the beast, I might wear.

That was good.

Yeah.

OK, here's another one.

This is an anonymous text.

It says, most t-shirt designs are way too subtle.

You should create a range of t-shirts with straight talking slogans like, I drink beer, I like girls, I take drugs, I have sex.

On them.

That's quite good, isn't it?

I like the other one that's more specific about what's going to happen to you if you are indulging on all these things.

Mr. Huggles?

We've had a text from Mr. Huggles.

He's a character from a forthcoming CBB series.

Is he related to Dr. Snuggles?

Probably, yeah, the nappy maker.

He's got an idea for interactive t-shirts, a print of a dartboard on the front or back, and some sticky balls to throw at the target.

It's a good idea.

With a small pocket on the t-shirt to keep the balls safe when not in use.

So this isn't slogan based.

He's thinking in a wider context.

In a wider context, yeah.

He's thinking even outside the box.

Can we use that phrase?

Get annoying after a bit, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

What, thinking outside the box?

No, people just throwing sticky balls at you the whole time.

It would get a little bit annoying.

But in the world of t-shirts... What if someone threw a real dart as well?

You know, with the amount of stabbing in the world, you're asking for it.

Put a target on your chest, but it's a statement about the state of the world, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

So are you liking it?

You're confusing everybody.

Well, I'm confusing myself.

So that's good, isn't it?

Someone told me that global... Confusion sells.

Yeah.

Global hyper-colour t-shirts are on the way back.

Apparently.

That's the new thing.

Those are the t-shirts that if you, they change colour... They respond to your body heat.

When they get warm, right?

They were big in the 80s.

There's got to be something, there's got to be a fusion of the global hypercolour and some kind of crazy phrase as well.

I haven't got it yet, though.

Listen, shall we play some more music and then hear some more of these?

One more.

One more to send us into Coldplay.

Okay, this is from Chris in Leyland, a t-shirt with Mr T's swimming pool installation company written at the top, all right?

Mr T's swimming pool installation company, then a picture of Mr T with a speech bubble saying, I fit either pool.

That's good, isn't it?

That is quite good.

It's a bit complicated, but it's worth it.

It's good.

Here's the Mighty Coldplay with Viva La Vida.

Viva La Vida by Coldplay.

I mean, what is that about?

It's just about how revolutionary he is and how amazing his ideas are and how the world's having difficulty accepting them.

How when he goes to heaven, how excited God will be and Saint Peter and how, you know, just how difficult it is leading a new revolutionary movement in music and young people.

Is that really what it's about?

Is it?

What's it really about, Jude?

That seems a little big-headed, if that's what it's about.

It's about existential doubt.

We're gonna have to listen to the lyrics.

I didn't get any of that from the lyrics.

Anyway, The Mighty Coldplay and this is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music and folks you may remember that we had a competition recently called Video Wars where we invited you to submit videos

For a couple of our song wars tracks, James Brain, which I recorded and Meatballs, which Joe recorded, only short ones, and we were overwhelmed with responses.

We genuinely thought that we would get maybe 14 or 15 people who actually bothered to make videos for these tracks.

In the end, we got 143.

Videos that people had made all of them had a really impressive amount of effort Maybe one or two literally were clearly like tossed off in about two or three minutes the rest of them were pretty amazing and some of them were Extraordinary and and clearly had had like days of hard work put into them.

So we had a judging session that the Competition is now closed.

You can't submit anymore.

But Joe and myself it was a proper judge

judging session, wasn't it?

We had our producer Jude, we had Adam and I, we had Garth Jennings, the pop video and movie director, and we had a special lady from the BBC, uh, kind of, you know, uh, head office.

T's and C's, was she saying?

Terms and conditions.

She was making us, forcing us to obey the precise letters of the rules.

Absolutely.

Give everybody a fair crack of the whip.

You know, not be extra generous to anybody because they were particularly sophisticated.

you know technically not to punish anybody for being technically sophisticated making sure that the uh judging criteria were correct to me she embodied the bbc to me she did as well you know because she was uh she was a curious person i haven't run across anyone like that in the bbc for a while but she seemed like old school big british she should have been a blue peter presenter yes she was very well-spoken valerie singleton character exactly sexy

But, you know, contained.

Absolutely.

And extremely well-spoken, like proper news-reader-style voice sheet she had with her clipboard.

It was quite attractive.

But also, like when we... The whole atmosphere in the judging room was very sexually charged.

But when we were looking through some of the entries, like there was... I had trouble concentrating.

She kept on, when we were looking through the internet and stuff, she kept on saying, oh, I love that ween track.

Oh, that's one of my favorite ween tracks and stuff like that.

It was really bizarre, the juxtaposition of all her pop-cultural nous with this kind of 50s- Anyway, so she's one.

She's one.

That's what we wanted to tell you, listening.

We've cancelled the competition and she's coming to the ground in the studio.

Are we going to take her into the street?

Because we fell in love with her.

That's not true.

We have got a shortlist and it was not easy to arrive at the shortlist.

No, very tough.

And if you're listening and you entered the competition, we'd like to thank you from the heart, from the bottom of our hearts.

because there were some brilliant entries, and it takes a lot to actually get up and film something, then edit it, then sync it to the song.

It's a lot of hard work.

To say nothing of actually uploading it to YouTube, which can sometimes take hours.

So, no, thank you very much to everyone who responded.

And we'll be announcing the winner when?

In two weeks' time, yes, so not next weekend at Summer Sunday, but the following weekend when we're back here in the studio on the 16th of August, we'll be announcing the winner of the extraordinary prize.

And let me tell you as well that I personally lobbied hard for there to be more than one winner, but apparently that was not in keeping with- I lobbied hard for there to be no winner.

Yeah, Joe wanted to get the whole thing banned.

But you know, it felt unfair to me that we just had to narrow it down to one person.

But now we know how whenever anybody announces a winner, they always go how incredibly hard it was.

And how all the entries, anything that was.

Well sometimes they say, well the standard was incredibly high, and they're just lying.

But this time we are not lying.

It's the one time.

If you go onto YouTube listeners and do a search for video wars or meatballs or Jane's Brain, you'll come up with like 60 of these things and you'll be able to have a look at the amazing range and quality of ideas that were submitted.

But we were very excited and honoured that everyone made such an effort.

Before Joe's free play, just a little bit of housekeeping, it was Warwick Davis, who was the actor in Willow, of course, and another word for something that is of neither sex, apparently, is Episcene.

So there you go, little fun facts for you there.

Now, Joe, what have you chosen for us?

This is a track from the late 80s, Adam.

It's a hip-hop track.

It's by a band called The Discmasters.

They're masters of the disc.

They love to disc.

This is a track called Black and Proud.

Bye then.

That was Mr. E with the Eels and Susan's house.

That was a session track.

I think it was recorded for Joe Wiley.

We think around about 97.

We're not exactly sure.

There's a little confusion there.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC six music.

I was just going to say.

Oh, okay.

And then I did.

So you love the hipping and the hopping?

I like the hippity-hop.

You love to hip.

You know, it's uh, what's your favorite though out of the two?

Well, that's a good question.

I'd say I enjoy the hopping.

Of course I mean I expected you to say that.

Who would, in their right mind, who would be more?

Well, hopping is terrific fun.

Who would be more fun?

And it's great that there's a whole genre of music to hop to.

Lil Wayne Carter III.

Yes, Lil Wayne.

He's huge.

He's tiny though.

Yeah, but he's huge.

Physically he's tiny.

He is got the he did until Nas knocked him off, Nas.

He had the number one album in America.

So I know almost nothing about Lil Wayne Carter apart from the fact that I see his face on tube posters and stuff because he's got this new album out and it's just the face of a little three-year-old boy, if I can tell, and he's got tattoos all over his face.

The child.

Yeah.

It probably doesn't really have them.

Is that Lil Wayne?

No, Lil Wayne's a man.

Oh, that's probably, could be Lil Wayne's child to be perfectly honest, I don't really know anything about him.

As you will have heard from my choices today, my hip-hop taste resides in about 1989 and hasn't really progressed out of it.

I think he's quite kind of

When I say scary hip-hop, I don't mean that his lyrical content is scary, but there's a kind of meanness and measliness to the samples in a lot of modern hip-hop.

Do you know what I mean?

As melodies, they'd be used on some kind of horror film or something.

Oh, I see.

I never liked that kind of thing very much.

I like kind of... You like it more hippy-hop.

Hippity-hoppity.

Yeah, yeah.

Jazzy kind of stuff.

Well, it was mainly, I was mainly less curious about the music as the tattoos on the little kid's face.

The tattoo child, that's a good question.

Like, is that real?

I mean, obviously, I would think it's not real.

I think, I would imagine as a photo, you're not going to tattoo a three year old boy.

Are you?

Unless he asks you persistently.

That's what I'm saying.

Unless he really doesn't give up.

Yeah, unless he's been naughty.

Leave that tattoo on the face!

Oh, it's a punishment.

Yeah.

What is tattooed on the child's face?

It's like little kind of, they're like astrological symbols or something, you know?

I'm not exactly sure.

That's good.

It would hold the child back developmentally, wouldn't it?

You would think so.

Unless you got something really nice tattooed on there.

Because the tattoos are painful, aren't they?

They're painful and they're permanent.

Pretty much permanent.

It's not the greatest gift you could give to a child.

Plus, if you're doing it on a child's face, they would expand as he grew as well, wouldn't they?

Well, you could make that part of the thing.

Part of the fun.

Part of the fun, yeah.

You could make it a train.

Saying the older he got, the more carriages would appear.

A train.

That's a good idea.

Or a worm.

Yeah.

a little worm smiley face anyway i just wanted to check i i i didn't i thought maybe you might know the answer i'm afraid i don't if anyone out there knows if the little child little wane carter child is really tattooed maybe they could uh let me know

Now it's music time, ladies and gentlemen.

Here is Jack White with the White Stripes and it's Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground.

White Stripes, Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground.

I can play that on my guitar.

That's the first song I learned how to play on my guitar.

It sounds quite easy to play.

It's quite easy to play.

It's not so easy to sing.

and do a good job of.

I find it really easy to sing.

But it's only about four chords in there.

It's easy.

It's your laughing, mainly.

And I might sing that.

I was thinking, because John Pearson, who sorts out some of the festival coverage here at the BBC, was saying, would we like to do anything at the Hub Tent at the festival, the Summer Sunday festival that we're going to be at next weekend?

Joe, you weren't so keen on strutting your stuff in there.

I won't have any time to rehearse.

Right.

Yeah.

But then so he said, well Adam, do you want to play a song?

You can play guitar.

And I was like, well, I can technically play guitar.

I think he was suggesting you play a self-pen song, not cover a rock track.

He wasn't that specific.

And I immediately thought, might be time to play Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground.

Oh, I went to someone's Sunday last weekend.

I saw Adam Buxton cover the White Stripes.

It was incredible.

It's much better than the original.

It was a lot better than the original.

He's so rock and roll.

I thought about doing that one, or I thought about doing She's Got Metals by David Bowie.

Very early Bowie track.

I'll pop to the lav.

Or I might do one of my own.

I don't know.

I've written so many.

It's exciting.

Who knows what'll happen?

So folks, we're in the middle of textination.

Let's have the jingle again.

Why not?

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

And Text-a-nation, this week, listeners, is all about t-shirt slogans.

You know, you see people wearing them in the street, and if you open a mag, you might find a page at the back with a whole load of different t-shirt designs you can send off for.

All-time great t-shirt slogans.

What would your top... choice be?

I don't know.

I think the Ghostbusters logo, you just can't mess with that.

Not a humorous one?

Adi Hash.

I've never had one of those.

A lot of people are texting in and pointing out ones that are really appalling and should be stopped.

Like there's an iPod one

with a kind of iPod-style logo of someone sitting on the toilet.

This came in via email, pointed out by Joe Stenson.

Yeah, a few weeks back in the town where I live, beautiful Leeds, I spotted a young gentleman strolling along wearing a t-shirt akin to that of the iPod advert with the silhouette characters upon it.

However, this chap shirt displayed an outline person sat on a toilet with headphones on.

Underneath it read, I poo'd.

Like it?

Do you?

Personally, I like it.

Would you chat to that person?

I'd wear that.

You go, hey!

Couldn't help noticing the t-shirt.

You don't know me, I'm Adam Buxton.

I don't know you, but I'd really like to get to know you.

Do you want to hear me play He's coming to the Summer Sunday, that guy.

He's coming all the way from Leeds.

He's a genius.

That's not such a good one.

I don't mind that one, but it's a good trope, isn't it, to take a famous logo and turn it into something to do with either drugs or the toilet.

As you said, Addy Hash.

Addy Hash.

That's a good one.

Coca Cola with just cocaine instead.

That is a big key feature, that one.

What else could we do that with?

The T-shirt we're talking about, not the actual drug.

What could we do that with?

Oh, there's got to be loads.

You want to get thinking, say a supermarket name.

Well, listen, what about, uh, what about the, we're talking about Kellogg's Crunch earlier on, weren't we?

Yes.

You turn that into, uh, isn't there a drug called Crunk or Crank or something?

There's a dance called Crank.

There's a drug called Crank in Jason Stratham's bloodstream.

What's he called Stratham, Stratham?

Statham.

Um, or crack, you could tell.

I mean, that's an obvious one.

There's got to be loads of crack-based.

So Kellogg's crack.

Something.

I mean, you wouldn't call it Kellogg's, otherwise it'd be a legal problem.

I think that's good.

Yeah.

Snap, crack and pop.

And it would have the three elves and they've all got little pipes and syringes.

And they're looking the worst for wear.

And they've just got a big bowl full of little rocks of crack.

And one of them's smoking it.

That's a good idea.

It's good fun, good clean fun.

The Kellogg's wouldn't like that.

Obviously.

And of course that reflects in no way on that brand and there are many other types of crack of it.

And it's not good, clean fun.

Our producer Jude is holding her hands up in the air with a look of despair on her face.

What one can only describe is despair and disappointment.

We haven't even, we've only read out one, we haven't even read out any listener suggestions.

Come on, let's have some more.

Well, I'm not saying that I've got any.

It did sound like that when you started saying that.

Okay, here's one from Charlie Mingles, internet millionaire.

Charlie Mingles.

Crammond Edinburgh.

Is he really an internet millionaire?

He will be, because his slogan is, I bought this t-shirt because I couldn't be asked developing an interesting personality.

That's fairly blunt, isn't it?

It's a little bit jank blunt, yeah.

You'd be kind of superior to wear that, because it would obviously be an ironic statement, wouldn't it?

Yeah, exactly.

It'd be a statement about other people wearing t-shirts.

And then what if you run into someone with the adihash t-shirt on?

It's going to make them feel put upon, isn't it?

It is.

Diminished.

Yeah.

But that might be good.

That's a bit snooty, that one.

Here's one from Russell Paul Surry.

Is that his name?

I don't know.

He might be Russell Paul in Surry.

He says, crude design, but you get the idea.

Oh, his name's Russ from Woolwich.

It's got the word nipples in the middle and an arrow pointing right and left.

Either side of the word nipples.

And then one St.

Belly button pointing down.

Okay.

No?

Not getting anything, I mean it's just stating the position of the nipples and belly button.

Yeah.

I suppose some people have those t-shirts going, the man and it points upwards, the legend and it points downwards.

Well I haven't seen that one.

That's quite a popular one.

In fact hasn't Justin Timberlake got that written on his tummy in The Love Guru?

I'm the only one who's seen that.

You're the only one who's seen that one, yeah.

Let's have some more music before we wrap up Text the Nation.

It's Noah and the Whale time.

This is five years time.

Wherever you go, where are they from then, Noah and the Whale?

I would say somewhere in the West Country, wouldn't you?

You would hope so.

Unless they're just... Being very unselfconscious about their West Country vocals, which is a good thing, isn't it?

Unless they're just singing like that, because it's fun to talk like that, which we know it is.

It is fun to talk like that.

Someone said we did an online web chat thing the other day for The Guardian, and someone said, I like the show except when you guys talk like babies.

And I wasn't sure if he meant like...

It's just all the time.

Which one of the stupid voices was he referring to?

I was confused and I assumed it was probably the West Country voice or any talk like that.

It is a little bit babyish, isn't it?

Yes.

But it's enjoyable.

You know, Steve Merchant, he's made a whole career out of it.

Exactly, yeah.

But he doesn't affect it, I don't think.

Do you reckon?

No, I think it's real.

That's Steve Merchant.

He talks like that.

Let's have a jingle.

Jingle?

Text-a-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

Text the Nation this week is your ideas for t-shirt slogans that you could sell at, say, Camden Market and make a lot of money out of.

We haven't got any emails from anyone who can help us make this happen.

Yeah, we have actually.

Have we?

Yeah, we've had a t-shirt manufacturer.

I don't know how that works with the Big British Castle's rules though.

We'll figure it out.

Maybe we need to go to BBC Worldwide.

They're the commercial arm of the BBC, right?

I could possibly comment.

We could knock out a deal with them.

Anyway, here are some ideas for top-selling celebrity t-shirts.

What?

Celebrity, you know, slogan t-shirts.

This is from William Lee.

He says, what ho!

Another could simply be the words, quote, Tom Cruise hollows wood lice to make hiking shoes.

A small woodlouse decal on the arm could also be applied.

I don't understand any of what you just said.

Well I think it's supposed to be really abstract.

Tom Cruise hollows woodlice to make hiking shoes.

It's just, it's just random.

It's student humour.

But I was thinking, I was thinking like, what is it because he's got tiny feet?

Maybe exactly, he's got tiny feet.

What does that mean?

Well he's got it means he's got tiny feet and he's powerful and you know you want to throw mud at the king you know don't you yes you don't bring him down a peg or two he's got if he saw that in the street he'd be terribly insecure right I didn't cruise that's unsettled me that one

Well, that's good.

That's marketable for the credit crunch.

No, I love lamp.

I'll tell you that much.

Here's another one.

This may be anonymous.

My idea would be a picture of Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog, sitting in a deck chair surrounded by masses and masses of hedges, all for himself not letting anyone else share in the hedge fund.

That's a disgrace.

I can't even believe you read that one out.

You're guessing this one ahead, aren't you?

Yeah.

Sonic the Hedgehog.

Well, exactly.

There's nothing more to it, is it?

Here's another one from Steven Preston.

This is like Frankie Says Relax, but he's suggesting Crank... No, I'm not really know that.

Like what's wrong with Sonic the Hedge Fund or something like that, you know what I mean?

That would be better.

Hard to illustrate, I'll give you that.

That would be better.

Here's another one from George Smith.

He's saying a picture of Pete Tuckity or Amy Winehouse with the phrase sex, drugs and sausage rolls underneath it.

Yeah.

Is that a bit porky?

There is a t-shirt around, you know those Apple Crumble and Fitch t-shirts, and it looks like kind of collegiate American university writing, and they say Apple Crumble and Fish.

Is that good?

Oh, like Abercrombie and Fitch.

Exactly.

That's quite good.

We're discovering that these t-shirt slogans, they're not laughing out loud, are they?

Generally, it's a rule.

They're more things to think about.

Yeah.

Because what's funny about, you know, could the Coca-Cola logo be mutated into the word cocaine?

Subversive, isn't it?

Is that funny?

Well, it's just a bit of enjoyable subversion.

Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine, didn't it, famously?

In the olden days.

When it was nice.

It's just a bit of factual history.

That was classic cocaine.

Someone else is suggesting Cameron McHugh and suggesting a t-shirt with Danny Dyer on it with the slogan.

Anyone got a spare trilogy?

What trilogy is he involved with?

He says on the commentary of what's his latest film?

Straight Heads.

One of those commentaries.

Oh no, the one about him and Sean Bean taking revenge on the nonces.

What was that one called?

Revenge.

Revenge of the nonces.

I'm gonna get you.

On the commentary of that, he talks about how jealousy is of Orlando Bloom.

Because he's got two trilogies.

He wants a trilogy.

Lord of the Rings.

And then he goes and gets the other one.

What is it?

Pirates of the Caribbean.

He's got two trilogies.

That's not fair.

Not fair.

Well, I mean, if we were to spin off something from our show here on Six Music, I guess it would be Steven, we could have.

And also, I don't know, maybe just a Text the Nation t-shirt.

I feel I haven't got the best ones out of all these texts.

I was feeling that as well.

A little bit.

I don't think I've applied myself properly to vetting them.

Do you want another go?

We'll play some more music.

Well I tell you what, I'll have a look through them and see if I've missed any really good ones, but they may have been

the best ones.

We can wrap it up before the news.

Now here's a free choice for you listeners.

I've chosen this for you.

Lovely Nick Drake.

You know you can't really go wrong with Nick Drake can you?

And this is a track that I was inspired to play because I'm reading a book at the moment which was a gift someone gave me called White Bicycles.

That sentence would have been impressive enough if you just ended at the word moment.

I'm reading a book at the moment.

Yeah, that's good, isn't it?

For you?

Well, I read a lot of books, but they're all about music.

And this is another one.

White Bicycles by Joe Boyd, who is a producer, worked with Nick Drake, and all sorts of great jazzers.

And it's a wonderful book.

It's really, enjoyably written.

I recommend it strongly, highly.

And he obviously talks about his work with Nick Drake and this track, in fact.

And it's one of Nick Drake's best.

And it's called Saturday Sun.

It's ironic, because it's not sunny.

Even though it is Saturday.

That's a very good choice, Adam, for that very reason.

I thought I'd say that.

You're a young man.

I thought I'd say, yeah, I thought I'd use my voice to say those words, and I did.

So I've been looking through all the text-to-nations, your ideas for t-shirt slogans and the like, and I'm struggling to come up with any that are better than Adam and mine.

I'm not being self-aggrandising on purpose.

What about the Scooby-Doo one?

That's quite good.

This is from Maddy...

Maddy from Colchester, she says, hello my idea is Shaggy skidding on a dog poo and the caption Scooby Doo Doo.

Well you say it in that dismissive way you read it out.

Well that's to make you seem small.

Here's how I would say it.

Shaggy he slides on a dog poo and the caption is Scooby Doo Doo.

And then people would want to buy the shirt, not the way you said it all.

Well, you're on a rival stall.

I'm trying to do down your produce.

I've got one that was designed by Mrs Cooper that has Mulder and Scully with jazz cigarettes in their mouths saying, take me to your dealer.

Well, that just exists, doesn't it?

I mean, that's just a very, very slight variation on the take me to your dealer t-shirt that already exists with an alien.

Yeah, but the variation is the key.

It's different.

Kids like to be different.

That's a very retro reference as well, Mulder and Scully.

Yeah.

So in short, to sum up, I'm not sure I've got any more text.

I can't believe people didn't think of some more variations on the Pope.

There must be more fun to be had with the Pope, surely.

Well, what more can he do?

Apart from a smoke dope?

Yeah, it's dangerous enough.

I mean, he's the head of the Catholic Church and he's...

What about some cheeky Muslim fun?

Well, you're on your own there, Adam Buxton.

There's got to be loads of fun to be had there.

Listen, why not prepare that material on paper?

And we'll go through it before next week.

Come on, everyone likes a t-shirt chuckle.

Yeah, I just don't think that's a good idea.

Too sensitive.

I think it's a cul-de-sac.

Is it too sensitive?

Five years.

Give it five years and it'll be fine.

Right.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Because that's got to be fertile territory for a t-shirt fun, you would think.

Now, listen, folks, we are coming up to half past the hour.

Only half an hour left of our show.

It's so nice to be back with you.

We're not going anywhere for a while.

Thanks, man.

I wasn't talking to you.

No, it is.

It's lovely to be back with you, too.

Thanks, Joe.

You've washed and you look really well.

Your shingles have all cleared up.

Thank you.

The shingles have gone.

It's good.

And we're going to listen to some news soon.

But after that, in the last half hour... There's something to look forward to.

They tell you what's happening in the world and all the things But after that in the last half hour, we're gonna remind you of song wars this week We're gonna play you our bond songs again for quantum of solace.

So that's something to look forward to as well But for now, here's the news read by Harvey cook and the music news with Elizabeth Alka

That was the Smiths with Big Mouth strikes again, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was, yeah.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music.

It's time to play our Song Wars songs again, so let's have a jingle.

So we're offering these two potential Quantum of Solace theme songs to the producers for use for free if Keys and White don't come up with the goods, right?

Yeah.

If their duet isn't up to scratch.

Or, or, another alternative, is an end theme.

I mean, will Keys and White's thing be at the end anyway?

Mmm, that's a good question.

Do they have the song at the end?

I don't know.

That's a good question.

I've usually left.

It's David, not David Holmes, who's the guy?

David Arnold, the brilliant composer.

He does the proper music.

He would be doing the opening titles.

So he would probably do an orchestral version of the opening title over the closing theme.

Do you know what disappointed me in the last Bond movie, Casino Royale?

No, I don't.

It was there were no ladies dancing in the opening bit of graphic.

Have they got rid of all that?

Yes, they just had playing cards.

Like people being killed, they were like

Flicking playing cards, weren't they?

And they were, like, stabbing people in the chest.

I liked it when they had naked ladies swinging on the barrels of guns.

Definitely, and you were straining to see if there was anything poking out there.

The opening sequence to The Spy Who Loved Me is one of the most erotic pieces of film I've ever seen.

They're totally nude.

They are.

That's what I'm saying.

And there's one bit where they're in Russian hats, Usyrka, Ushanka, whatever those Russian hats are called.

And then... But they haven't got anything else on.

No.

They're marching like a dirty army.

And I like that army.

Absolutely.

I want to be invaded.

No, I always used to think... I always used to think... When I was watching that film as a youngster, I always used to think, that's what I want.

My job when I grow up is to do the opening titles for that.

Yes.

Or to get my hands on the film before it's been all silhouetted.

And to what?

Watch it.

Just take it to a bedroom again.

Close the door.

Yes.

uh now listen let's play our songs yeah we're going to start with mine this time uh so that both songs are called quantum of solace this is uh joe's song and yeah it's called quantum of solace

The quantum of solace I don't know what that means What does it mean?

He's having flashbacks in black and white No more raised eyebrows, no more quips He's got the stunting from the bonefills And lots of products but such shit The suntan of the solace

Did I get it confused?

I'd go to sneak stars Is music dead?

No, really, near me It's much more pretty than before No silly gadgets, just looks more fighting With that French bloke that does parkour The thingy of what's that thing of Boris

Cuz that's what it was Sometimes I wish Roger Moore would come back With an underwater car or some kind of jetpack Or a hover-punderbar and a Union jet Forget it mate, it's not the 80's He'd rather kick you in the face We've got a new bond for the noughties

The Quantum of Solace

Attempting to use there the klaxon sound from the N64 game GoldenEye.

Thereby beguiling klaxon's fans as well.

And video game nerds.

That was my song, Joe's Quantum of Solace song, if you want to vote for that, email.

Don't text, it simply won't be counted and you'll get us into terrible trouble and find and stuff.

You may also die.

You may die because lives have been lost in the great telly and radio media lying scandal.

But the email address is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

You use the word or phrase mantits.

Yes.

In there?

Yes.

He does have, you know, I've made a little video for that that I'm going to put up on YouTube.

Yeah, it's just made from non-cleared film footage.

Yeah.

Of Craig and his... It illustrates most of the points in a very unimaginative, explicit, you know, just direct way.

You're a little bit unkind about in there.

I mean... I'm just jealous of the... He's got very firm man breasts.

He's got amazing equipment.

He has.

And he's... I was sitting at the table next to him at the BAFTAs last year.

Didn't talk to him.

That's hardly a name drop, but he was very handsome.

Yeah, his wife's very beautiful You called him juggier with I think he's brilliant.

I love the but I'm really excited about the bond film I just feel as a radio comedian.

It's just necessary just to be lazily, you know negative about everything Okay, so here is mine Adam Buxton's Quantum of Solace song right now.

I'm James Bond, I'm a spy, and I'm working for the Brits.

I've got cars and guns and gadgets, I've got ladies with big brains.

I've got licenses to kill, I've got licenses to fish, I've got sex

He suits the damn aisles But he's my biggest wish I'd like a quantum with solace But no more than a quantum I know they do big bags with solace But I don't want them I only want a teeny tiny slice of solace Before I shoot you... Bottom location chase Bottom location chase Shooting dirty baddies in the busy foreign street

Sir, Miss Stepan.

Yes, hello.

And you want to stop me?

I do want to stop you, yes, but only if it's exciting.

I met a lovely lady, but found out she was a rotter.

So we exchanged some saucy quips, I snogged her, then I shot her.

But I felt quite bad because I'm such a modern, complex guy Sometimes this job gets to you and maybe that is why I'd like a quantum of solace But no more than a quantum I know they do be bags of solace But I don't want them I only want a teeny tiny slice of solace Before I shoot you

I think we will meet again, Mr. Band.

Okay.

Bye.

So there we go, the feuding Quantum of Solace songs.

Text your vote.

No, email it to AdamandJoe.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Are we having a trail now?

Yeah, I think we should have a trail and a little bit of Kings of Leon to follow that.

Enjoy!

Oh, well done.

That's very good stuff, isn't it?

That's the Kings of Leon with Crawl.

And you're listening to Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's nearly the end of our show, though, I'm sorry to say, listeners.

It's 10 to noon.

10 to noon.

But the good news is that, of course, our podcast will be back tomorrow evening, available to download sometime after about 6 p.m., thanks to the tireless efforts of our production team here at 6 Music.

So that's something to look forward to.

And maybe we even enjoyed some of the placeholders that we had in the meantime.

You mean the people who sat in for us?

No, I mean some of the little one-minute things that we did instead of our podcasts.

God, that was a bit... I was being a bit demeaning there towards the people who sat in for us.

I was wearing them as placeholders.

Yeah, you were.

When they were actually more famous and talented than us.

Yes, thank you so much, David Quantick and Alan Carr, who sat in for us while we were away.

Not together, of course.

And they had some assistance, didn't they, from other people as well?

But yeah, I was in, you know, I went to Los Angeles again the first week we were away.

You're practically from Los Angeles.

I'm trying to move there, if I can.

That's not true at all.

What's it like?

It's amazing.

You could never afford to go.

Someone like you.

But it's extraordinary.

Bill Clinton is the president.

And he plays the jazz saxophone.

He's a saxophonist, yeah.

And he's always stoned.

And there's a new film that's just come out there called Batman.

And it's amazing.

It's like, remember the Camp 60s series?

Yeah.

They've made it dark for the noughties.

That's a good idea.

It's all about terrorism now, 9-11.

Brilliant.

And it's important.

Yeah.

No, but while I was out there, I went to see a film that has kind of a cult reputation and people always talk about very fondly labyrinth.

Oh yeah.

And it's kind of a bit of a touchstone for our generation, isn't it?

For just sort of instant, oh it was amazing.

Yeah.

So I actually went to see it at a cinema projected.

It was on at the New Beverly, which is this really good little repertory cinema.

And it was, I think it was a Tuesday night.

And we all went down there to see it, and of course, who does it star?

He stars Xavier Bowie.

Xavier does the Goblin King.

A wizard, wizard, wizard.

And word has it, people were gossiping, there was lots of chitchat from film though, it's apparently he's ashamed of it.

No!

And he doesn't like it.

Dance, baby, dance!

Yeah, it's extraordinary.

He plays a goblin king in a land of puppets.

If you haven't seen it, you should really get the DVD.

It's a really odd, peculiar thing.

Who's it directed by?

Is it Frank Oz?

Or it's one of those Henson people directing it and I think it's written by Terry Jones.

Yeah, yeah, Terry Jones.

Yeah, and it's amazing.

It's one of the last big pre-digital creature films.

So it's got loads of amazing puppetry techniques.

Was it around the same time as the Never Ending Story or?

Somewhere like that.

Somewhere at the same time, maybe before, yeah.

And that was directed by Wolfgang Peterson.

Yeah, the director of Das Boot.

That's a strange one, I could have done with a bit of Bowie.

But let's not get up, stay on topic, stay on topic, labyrinth.

Yeah, labyrinth.

And it reminded me how wonderful it was if you were a kid in that decade, you could see a film like that, and then you could go home and try all the techniques, right?

I used to go up to my bedroom and use all my toys and puppets and things.

Oh, try those techniques?

Yeah, and like reconstruct all the puppetry techniques.

I saw you meant like a copy of these techniques.

Am I alone there?

Oh, that's a different subject.

I'm going to wear some tights and stuff some socks down my tights and dance around like a massive codpiece pixie king.

Seeing it on the big screen, his bits and bobs are completely available for all to view.

Bowie's bits and bobs have been available in other films.

Really?

You've seen Man Who Fell to Earth, right?

Yeah, but that's an adult film.

All the bobs and the bits.

This is a children's film.

I'm not winding this up.

It's too exciting.

and it's got the chick from uh what's her name from the hulk and um yes that's right jennifer jennifer connelly yeah aged about 14 he's trying to he's trying to seduce her the goblin king does not know contemporary sexual mores or parameters anyway you should see it again and we're going to play you out now with uh bowie's amazing theme song from uh from labyrinth it's underground it's a kind of a gospel uh an epic journey into pop gospel you can probably fire it off dude i imagine the introduction is about five minutes long i love that song

Yeah, but go rent out labyrinth if you're depressed this weekend because it'll make you happy and confused and slight smoking crack It's deadly as well Gary Crowley's next Wow