It'll be quiet.
Are you all right, Doctor?
Oh, nurse Totti.
No, no.
Help me.
Help me.
Oh, God.
It's OK.
I've got for that.
I think we've got him stabilised again.
You stepped on one of my tubes, man.
Oh, sorry.
My life flashed before my shingles.
Dr. Sexy's back, ladies and gentlemen, but he's in terrible shape.
And we've got him on life support, as you can hear.
I'm sorry.
I'm not speaking very clearly.
And there's German and Ivy.
He's from Guernsey and he's with a girl called Ivy.
No.
What?
Is that what you're saying?
No, I'm not a Guerney and I'm still very ill.
Hello, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
You might know that I'm very dizzy.
You might know that I've had shingles recently for very early shingles.
It's the pirate disease.
I've been on a, I went to America.
I went via galleon cause I couldn't afford the plane.
I went on a, on a pirate ship, the black, black pearl.
Black pearl.
And I had sex with a sailor.
With Mackenzie Crook.
Mackenzie Crook's very attractive.
I like his eye bags.
They turn me on.
Yeah.
And I've contracted jingles and I'm only not really better.
He was seduced by the fact that Mackenzie could pop his eye out.
Shh, shh.
That's when you talk.
And he got an infected socket.
I've got an infected face?
Yeah.
He was doing things to my face.
And they've removed part of your face.
They've removed part of my face.
So now you've turned into John Merrick.
John Merrick?
I would like to see the fair.
The fun fair.
Would you like to music, John?
I'd like some black kids.
Do you like black kids?
They make me happy.
Oh, dear.
Oh.
He's in trouble.
He's stepping on my tube.
Quick.
No, he's black kids.
Get off my tube.
Immediately.
That's Black Kids with Hurricane Jane.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe.
Reunited back here on 6 Music.
Joe's been away for the last couple of weeks.
Ill in LA with shingles.
I'd be illin'.
You'd be illin'.
We're not gonna play that heart monitor right through the whole show.
I think that would, you know, we've turned it right down.
It's fine.
He's stable now.
I'm better now.
I get slight residual nerve pain in the jaw.
So how was it, man?
Have you been... It was very painful.
You've been through Helen back?
Yeah, I've been through Helen back.
Ooh, lucky Helen.
But you know what?
I've got a shingles presentation to make later in the show.
Fantastic.
What kind of thing?
It's a pictorial presentation just to show you the progress of the disease.
Because I think you might think I was lying.
No.
I thought you might have thought... Is that a sentence?
You just wanted a holiday.
That I wanted a holiday.
I was in Beverly Hills.
And it's nice there.
Were you being treated by Michael J. Fox?
Yes.
Dr. Beverly Hills.
Dr. Beverly Hills.
Dr. Hollywood.
I think you mean.
Yeah, who was Dr. Beverly Hills?
Nobody.
No one.
Oh no, that's a show about surgery.
Yes.
So no, but I was treated by some very sophisticated American doctors.
And because the exchange rate is so low, you know, the dollar's worth nothing.
Yeah.
top-wack medical treatment.
Right.
Yeah, I just put it on the credit card.
In fact, you could have got some, you know, cosmetic surgery as well.
I was thinking of that.
Yeah.
I was thinking of getting my teeth done, seriously.
What's wrong with your teeth?
Well, they just could be whiter.
Why would you start with your teeth?
Because you get the teeth right and everything else falls into place.
Right, right.
Anyway, I'm going to do that shingles presentation later.
I'm not going to put the shingles photos on the web though.
Why, they're too shocking.
They're too shocking.
I'm going to rely on your verbal portrait of the pictures.
Dr. Buckles will explain in medical terms.
That's what good radio's all about, painting pictures with words.
Also, it's about talking completely.
rubbish and we're going to be doing that with words two hours and 50 minutes here on BBC six music we've got great music coming up on music six music music and in fact this next track is one of your selections isn't it is this is one I was listening to in the car driving around I love cars yeah and this is a good song I've forgotten how good this is it's got the most ridiculous lyrics and possibly the history of pop this is Adam Ant with Apollo 9
Adam Ant being involved with NASA's... I mean, they're gonna go for Mars next, aren't they, famously?
They're done with the moon, they've realised it's just a big lump of cheese, so they're heading to Mars now.
And Adam Ant might be involved.
He's heading up the programme.
Is he?
He's one of the main advisors because... He's the style advisor, the style consultant for the NASA Mars mission.
Yeah, because these days image is more important than substance and they have to speak like they have to sort of say Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d
That was at the tail end of Adam's kind of the most glittering part of his path.
As I remember it, obviously Stan and Deliver and Prince Charming were massive hits.
Notice how I say Prince Charming as if singing the song.
Yeah, they were huge hits, weren't they?
Yeah, you've got to say Ridicule as well.
Yeah, he ruled as zeitgeist, particularly with the nonsense lyrics.
Dan diddly-qua-qua?
Yes, what diddly-qua-qua?
What does Dan diddly-qua-qua mean?
Dun-diddly-qua-qua?
Dun-diddly-qua-qua?
Yeah, it's similar to yabba-yabba-ding-ding.
Is it?
There's a whole Argot, an adamant Argot.
That's why he got sectioned.
Yes, because he was too much of a... He was singing his own song.
They thought he was mad.
Dun-diddly-qua-qua-yabba-dabba-ding-ding.
Come on.
Off to the nutbox.
Here you go.
But he was the best dressed man in Pop though, wasn't he?
Oh, he was a terribly handsome man.
There was something strange though about the Spaceman image.
was there you didn't quite fit as well as the pirate one no it was all because he was all like the the high women and the pirate there was a pirate one in McLaren there was the space one in McLaren one because the pirate one was apparently invented by Mike Martin what's his name stinky McLaren stinky McLaren what's his first name Malcolm Malcolm that's right talke he wasn't around at that point I don't think no for Apollo 9 anyway that's a good song that anything that's an absolute smash it's maybe not the one I would have chosen other
the obvious choice from Adam and we have a trail hmm was he that's sounded like some sort of a school disco that was group of our mother that is that they're the funky pirates in the groove armada
That sounded very early 90s though, didn't it?
I think it was.
Was it?
Is that an old one?
Surely.
If everybody looked the same by Groove Armada, that was.
What a fantastic sound.
Great sound.
It's a great sound.
I'm obsessed.
It's from 1999.
There we go.
1989.
Really?
Yeah.
That's what it was all like in them days.
Fat Boy Slim.
Back in them days.
Back in the 90s.
The Beat Nuts.
The beat nuts.
The mix bag.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
I got absolutely soaked coming into work this morning because I was on my bike and I looked out and it was a little grey but I thought no I'll be fine.
So I started cycling.
You saw a little grey?
Yeah it was a little grey alien man and I cycled out five minutes in the heavens open I'm absolutely drenched.
I haven't opened and a little grey came down.
Yes.
And I got absolutely soaked.
And so it rained as hard as it possibly could have rained for half an hour while I was on my bike.
So I caught every single drop.
Do you ever think like, if you're, do you ever, you know, consider whether it's better to run in the rain or stay still because the raindrops will hit, like more of the raindrops will hit you if you run.
Well, I walked from the tube.
Right.
And I did that thing where you run under awnings.
Yeah, that's the best way to deal with it.
Or bits of architecture that stick out.
But then you get the fatter drops, the chubby rain.
Chubby rain.
Don't you?
Yeah.
So the right side of your body might be dry, but the left side has chubby rain impacts on it.
You'll get the constant stream of the stuff that collects on the awnings and just comes down in a flume.
So is it a fair trade-off?
I don't know.
Apparently, if you walk or run fast enough, you can dodge the raindrops.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Like Keanu Reeves and The Matrix.
That's good.
He does dodge a little bit.
He does dodge the rain.
He does dodge the rain.
So I'm soaked now and I haven't got a change of clothes.
My whole routine is out the window.
I left my keys behind so I had to bring my bike up through the security at the big British castle.
They didn't like that.
They hated that.
But Claire, one of our producers here, she just made it happen.
And it was great.
But now I'm sat here absolutely soaked.
So what I'm going to do, my plan is to go into the bathrooms, right?
And just take off items of clothing during long songs.
And put them under the hand dryer.
Yeah?
Why don't you just go nude?
I could just go nude.
I don't think Jude would have put you in mind.
Jude wouldn't mind.
She's seen that kind of thing before.
But man, what about you?
Would you like it?
I wouldn't mind.
I'm a bloke, you know.
We've never been nude in front of each other, I don't think, have we?
I don't think so, but that's got you thinking, isn't it?
Right, I'm gonna go off and do a... Is that something you think friends should do?
I think at some point.
If you're proper friends, listen, we've known each other for a while, I think we should see each other naked.
Yeah.
And you just strip off and stand there and have a good look at each other.
Yeah, I think so.
I think that would be nice.
Well then we're not going to be friends.
Well we've known each other for what since we were... Yeah but it's good to have a little area of mystery.
How long have we known each other?
A Bermuda Triangle.
Like almost 30 years we've known each other.
I've never seen you completely nude.
I think that's a shame.
That's not a bad thing.
I'd like to see what you're made of.
Here's Ida Maria right now.
Pork.
And this, coincidentally, purely coincidentally, is called I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked.
That was Outcast with Miss Jackson.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.
It's time for the news with Nicki Cardwell.
That's De La Soul there with me, myself and I. The American Hip Hop band.
They take old records and mix them together to create new sounds.
It's the Daisy Age.
It's also known as Hippy Hop.
Hippity hoppity.
It was known as Hippy Hop at one stage, remember?
Hey, you know what?
When hip-hop first started, you know, the Beastie Boys and all that sort of business, right?
Back in the day.
People said it was a fad.
Did they really?
Indie people who were into guitar music, they said, oh, that's a fad.
It's gonna go.
Last weekend at Glastonbury, hip-hop won.
Hip-hop officially won, didn't it?
Well, they've won for a long time in the money stakes, obviously.
Yeah.
But culturally, that was it.
Last weekend, Jay-Z's triumphant performance at Glastonbury.
Did you watch it?
I did watch it, yeah.
How much of the coverage did you watch?
Not much, actually.
You didn't see Winehouse going in there?
No, I didn't.
I saw the photos.
It was amazing.
I mean, it wasn't amazing.
That's the death
Well, she sort of does sort of soul music, doesn't she?
She can bounce back.
It's not going to affect Winehouse.
It's all just another day at the office for Winehouse.
True, isn't it?
You know, I mean, I wish the footage had been a little clearer because you didn't actually see any punches connecting, but you certainly saw that she was getting in there and having a good little lunge.
Do we know who she punched?
Yeah, we do, because the BBC, I don't know, maybe it wasn't the big British castle, but someone found the bloke that she punched.
He turned out to be a really nice guy.
And he was very articulate, and he said he was completely cool about it.
What did he do to deserve it?
Well, the guy behind him, he claims, lobbed a hat.
A hat?
And, you know, was it Oddjob's hat?
It was no... Did it have a razor-sharp brim?
Didn't even have a steel rim in order to slice off the beehive.
Hats can be very dangerous.
It was just a kind of pork pie hat of the sort worn by... Was it a witch's hat?
Because they're pointy, they can get you in the eye.
No, it was one of the, um, what's his name?
Blake, uh, Fedda Seville hats.
Yeah?
Do you know those hats?
Those kind of little straw pork pie things people are wearing.
Right.
And maybe that's the reason she got so furious about it, because suddenly she gets the Blake hat lobbed at her.
They can be spiky if one of the bits of straw is sticking out.
That's true, yeah.
Dangerous.
Could get it in your eye.
And so maybe, and that just seemed to enrage her that someone would lob a Blake hat at her.
She's got a very sensitive head.
So she lunged out at the person that she thought had lobbed the hat.
But it was the wrong guy.
And anyway, so he was interviewed the next day by a BBC guy.
And the BBC interviewer was trying to wind him up and saying, are you going to sue her for criminal damage?
Because you've been assaulted by a pop star.
And you know, everybody thinks she's out of control anyway, and now she's punching fans.
gonna do about it."
And the guy was saying, no, come on, it's Glastonbury, it's fine, it's all part of the experience, you get shoved around, you get punched by Winehouse, everyone goes home happy.
What a lovely chap.
He was really nice I thought though, I mean that's the right attitude isn't it?
That is the right attitude, he should be excited and flattered, I want to be punched by Winehouse.
Well that was his attitude as well.
Let's go and provoke her.
How bad.
How can we get punched by Winehouse?
Surely quite easily.
She's got a very fiery temper.
I've come across people who've met her before and one word out of place and she'll start lashing out.
Really?
Just hide her crack pipe.
That's what really gets her going.
Send her in an absolute rake.
Where's my crack pipe?
Where's your pussy?
I told you I was putting back in my crack pipe drawer.
Who has moved it?
It's label, there isn't even a label on the drawer!
How about this?
That doesn't happen!
How about this?
Leave the pipe, but hide the crack.
So she's got, or leave the crack and hide the pipe.
Right, one or the other.
She wouldn't mind, she'd just eat the crack.
Would she?
She just pop it in her sandwich.
She'd stuff it up her nose.
This is pure conjecture.
She doesn't touch the stuff.
There was nothing in that pipe.
It's the mere air.
Pure conjecture show.
Three hours of pure conjecture.
She was actually blowing soap bubbles.
At the big British castle.
You know one of those pipes that blow bubbles?
Yes.
That's what she was doing.
Like Captain
Yeah, but they took the photo before a lovely big bubble had come out and people got the wrong end of the stick.
Well, the footage is on YouTube.
It's worth having a look at for a little exciting Winehouse action.
And boy, she was really singing a blinder as well.
I heard she was confused and delirious.
Yeah, that's correct.
Really?
But I heard her singing was good.
Oh, no.
That's what it was like.
Wow.
The thing, the frightening thing is, what will the next generation of pop stars have to do to beat that kind of ramshack velocity?
Well, it's, I mean, it's been done in the olden days.
Has it?
Iggy Pop used to roll around in bottles until he was bloody for goodness sake.
Sid Viscus?
Sid Viscus?
Yeah, Kurt Cobain?
It's the great rock and roll tradition of self-harm.
I mean, it's by no means great, okay, kids?
It's stupid.
It's stupid, all right?
It's chaotic.
So if there's any idiots out there thinking, oh, a nice bit of self-harm, I'll indulge in that.
I mean, you're an idiot.
I am an idiot.
No, you're not an idiot.
Oh, you're the person you were talking about.
They're an idiot.
I suddenly got worried that I was an idiot as well.
In a way, it's true, though I am.
And here is some great music for you idiots and non-idiots out there.
This is MGMT with Electric Feel.
MGMT with Electric Feel.
Have you still not got that album yet?
No, my lady partner bought that.
Oh, okay.
Well, I haven't really listened to it.
You've got a copy in the house there.
It's in the house.
It's very good.
Very good.
Thank you.
This is Adam and Joe here at BBC Six Music.
Joe's been away ill a couple of weeks, and we've really missed him.
It's great to have you back, man.
Thanks, man.
I'd like to say thank you to Garth Jennings, who did such a fantastic job filling in for me.
I didn't listen to it because I was too ill, but I assume he did.
He's usually brilliant.
Too threatened is what you were.
I was too... Yeah, I was afraid.
I'm sure because people say his voice sounds a bit like mine.
I'm sure he may well have been better than me.
No.
Apparently, I did hear his song.
His song is amazing.
His song was brilliant, wasn't it?
I mean, that was a disgrace.
It totally put us all to shame.
And I was quite pleased with my effort that week as well.
He doesn't know his place, does he?
He's just wiped the floor with us.
It was ridiculous.
But listen, I've been worried that Adam Buxton and Jude, Adam, our producer, might have thought I was lying.
Right.
about being ill, so I brought in some pictures to show them the disease I had.
Now, I'd never heard of this disease till I got it, but what happened was I got on the plane to Los Angeles immediately after the program, and I already had a bit of a fever and a slight toothache.
This was exactly three weeks ago.
Yeah, on the plane, the toothache started getting unreasonable, and by the time I got to Los Angeles, to my hotel room, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep the night.
So I googled, I called reception and said, do you know any dentists?
They went, just dial a 1-800-DENTIST.
So I did that, but there was no one open on a Saturday night or Sunday.
So I googled emergency dentist, found one in Santa Monica, got in my car, put it in the sat-nav, at midnight on Saturday, drove to this dentist.
There I was in his chair.
He said my teeth were fine.
They were the best English teeth he'd ever seen.
He said that.
The Americans have a thing about English teeth, quite rightly.
From The Simpsons.
And he said, well, it might be your nerve there, so I could give you a root canal.
they love root canal the dentist he was desperate to give me a root canal i said no don't give me the root canal let me get a second opinion first it's their favorite procedure so i endured sunday went to the incredible hulk premiere with still in slight pain but it was very loud and distracting and it was good right i liked it uh that monday went to another dentist he said
Uh, your teeth are fine.
You've got herpes.
Ooh.
I look, I said, look, I don't, I'm not really a herpes kind of a guy.
I just live the herpes lifestyle.
I doubt it's herpes.
He said, no, no, no, not that sort of herpes.
A different strain of herpes that's actually the chickenpox virus that's known as shingles.
Everyone who's had chicken pox, the chicken pox stays in your spine or something.
And if you'll run down or something like that, or maybe just suddenly randomly, apparently it's contagious as well, not quite sure, it can reactivate and it emerges through your nervous system.
Is that a medical phrase, nervous system?
Nervous system.
Nervous system.
Apparently it hits you if you become too sexy as well.
That's true.
It was the doctor's sexy thing.
It pushed it over the edge.
I had to be de-sexified with a mutation disease, mutating disease.
So I had little spots.
These spots came out.
So this is photo number one.
Adam, you'll have to describe it.
That's the spots.
Ooh, right, okay, so this is... So it's tooth pain, and I'd also lost the hearing in my right ear.
I did have quite a waxy build-up in there, but the hearing went.
Death in the right ear.
I went analogue.
I went from Dolby Surround 5.1 to Binotone, you know, mono.
To Brian Wilson mono.
Exactly, yeah.
Well, it looks as if here you've got a kind of teenaged rash, like how would you describe that?
Acne rash.
Just a little bit of acne.
Just under the mouth area there.
No pustules, just red spots and swelling on the cheek.
The glands are up.
The glands are up.
It looks unpleasant.
It looks like a sort of cross between acne and a shaving rash.
Plus you've got to combine with this.
A pain in my ear as if a man had put a syringe in it and was wiggling it around.
Plus the tooth pain.
Not very nice.
A couple of days later.
This is what's happened.
Couple of days later.
Okay, so number two.
So it's really quite a big red rash you've got around your mouth, underneath your mouth there and across.
It's going from right here because the nervous system, if you bisect the body, the nervous system, you know, is kind of mirrored.
It never goes the full way.
It stops in the middle, basically.
So that's going from the nerve behind my ear to the middle of my chin.
It looks like a map of all the Japanese islands on your face in red.
Maybe it was a message.
OK, by the next day, this is where it starts getting very bad.
Next couple of days.
There we are.
OK.
So now it looks like a map of the Andes.
That's the entire right-hand side of the face, swollen, spotty and shiny.
Sort of lumpy, pussy bumps coming up, because basically the virus feeds through your nerves.
Sorry if anyone's eating breakfast while they're listening to this.
But a little sprinkle of shingles on your complex is delicious.
They might even eat in a delicious box of shingles.
So at this point, you haven't made that up or anything, have you?
No, no, no.
It looks as if I've been attended to by Tom Savini or Dick Smith or somebody, but that's real swelling there.
It looks like I've dipped my head in a bucket of bees and it felt as if I'd been hit over the head with a baseball bat.
Still deaf, intense pain in the ear.
And it tingles as if there's tiny little magical worms under your skin and itches like billio.
That's why it's called shingles, because they're tingling.
No, it's called shingles because shingles is a word for a belt and it usually comes around your waist.
Oh really?
Oh, that's an interesting fact.
So my excuses for looking like this were, number one, I'm 18.
Excuse number one.
Number two, I'm playing a zombie in a film and it's lunch break.
Right.
Number three, I've got that disease from outbreak.
And number four, I fell asleep in my Rice Krispies.
That is, I mean, that's pretty hideous, isn't it?
It is.
It's a shame you can't put that online.
I think people would like to see it.
next day the swelling had gone down a bit on the next couple of days that's not too bad but the pastures started to come out and you're not allowed to touch them you got to wait for them to to crust over and harden and come off but so listeners I'm really sorry it's pretty just a pretty disgusting display
And you know what?
Underneath Joe's mouth there.
It's completely red on his chin.
And it's gone up to the lip.
But there's these very white pustules like Rice Krispies.
I mean, it looks like a kind of entry-level makeup job that someone's done on you.
Special effects makeup.
Just glue the Rice Krispies there under his mouth.
That'll do the job.
I did feel like the elephant man.
I didn't want to be seen by anybody.
LA's not a good place to be looking like that as well.
I thought people maybe thought I was, as I say in a film, or getting some plastic surgery.
But basically I'm fine now.
I'm back to normal.
Right?
Look at my face.
Normal.
Absolutely.
Still slightly numb in the chin.
That's good, man.
You look good.
And still some twinges.
You see?
Because even when the poison comes out of the nerve, the nerve stays sensitive.
Right.
The pain can last for months afterwards.
Wow.
For some people it can last for years.
Well, I'm glad you're in good shape and back with us anyway.
Thanks, man.
And you've been through the shingles barrier.
That's amazing.
You know what?
I worked every day.
I was writing.
Fantastic.
Every single one afternoon off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's how hardcore I am.
You're very hardcore.
I'm glad it's cleared up though.
That's disgusting.
Hey, I tell you what, I put some shingles in a little bottle for you.
Oh, thanks.
And I'll bring it in next week.
I'll have them later.
Right now, here's a free play of mine.
This is Flash in the Pan, you remember them?
Yes, this is great, come on.
Are they from Australia?
Don't know.
Or, I don't know, I think they were from Australia.
Anyway, this is Waiting for a Train.
That was The Primitives.
The Primitives with Crash recorded for Andy Kershaw on Radio 1 on the 18th of June 1986.
What's happening now?
I'm gonna play The Sweeper!
The Sweeper, yes!
That was The Claxons with Golden Scans.
Hey, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.
And it's a really kind of a miserable morning here in London Town weather-wise.
London Town, 1730s, women drunk, children dirty.
That's another Adam Antleric.
He's a genius.
That's from the song Sexy.
No sex, it's called.
Right, that's from one of his early albums.
I always used to listen to it through my headphones, not through the stereo in case my mummy heard me listening to a song called Sex.
Absolutely not.
Well that was in the Malcolm McLaren era.
Right, right.
Because he's a revolting man as well.
So listen, we should clarify the situation re-Video Wars.
Yes, Video Wars is our exciting competition where we've invited you to make videos to two of our Song Wars songs, Jane's Brain or Meatballs, both chosen because of their brevity.
And we have had a lot of entries.
We've had close to a hundred entries.
That is approximately 85 more than I thought we would have.
Absolutely.
And considering it's, you know, you've got to make a bit of effort to enter.
You've got to pick up a camera and edit and have an idea and stuff like that.
We're very, you know, pleased and flattered and excited that we've had so many entries.
And I spent a lot of my recuperative time in Los Angeles on YouTube looking at them all.
And there's some good ones.
There's some brilliant ones.
What's your favorite one so far?
I couldn't possibly say that.
That would be wrong to say.
A few that stick in the memory then.
Well, there's a very good one with sort of Kraftwerk-like men with meatball heads.
Yeah.
Singing in space.
There are some very good animated ones.
Did you see the one out in the forest where they're all grooving around?
I did see the one in the forest.
Somebody's filmed a whole video in IKEA.
Oh, that's a good one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're all sorts of different ones.
Some of them are just completely abstract.
There's one with just close ups of flowers.
Right.
And you know, so there's a massively wide range and it's today the closing date.
What time today?
noon today so if you still want to make a video you've got 10, 11, you've got one hour and 55 minutes to do it.
It's possible.
And it's very strict of course because the big British castle like many other broadcasting institutions got into trouble last year for being vague about the rules for these kind of things so it's absolutely categorical but any entry received after 12 noon today on the 5th of July will not be counted.
However good it is so even if you know Wes Anderson has been slaving for the last eight months on a Video for Jane's brain.
I'm sorry.
It's just not gonna be eligible Wes Anderson You're gonna have to take it elsewhere And so that's it and people just upload them to the six music site is that right or they put them on YouTube and put a link on the site they
Yeah, you haven't got much time there.
Only one hour and 54 minutes now.
And the big news is that we're going to announce the winner on the show that's broadcast on Saturday the 9th of August.
Adam and I and Garth Jennings, the film director who was filling in for me for the last couple of weeks, will be viewing them all and picking a winner.
And the prizes is beyond money.
It's like a kind of Willy Wonka style prize, isn't it?
Yeah.
Here at the waffle factory, we will invite you to come and have a tour around our magic waffle factory.
We'll put you in the chitchat pond and you'll get stuck in one of the crapola tubes.
And all sorts of stuff will be happening.
Your friend Veruca will eat one of the... I'm running out of words.
Yeah, I'm impressed that you got this far.
It's amazing.
We'll accidentally eat some shingles.
Yeah.
And become a big ball of pus.
And someone will try and steal the secret of the waffles.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's all going to happen if you win.
You'll come in and join us, hang out with us for the show.
Do you think we'll actually have them sitting in?
We should do this.
Oh, yes.
And that'll be the day we see each other naked.
Hey, there you go.
So, come on, you know, you've got two hours.
A lot can happen in two hours.
Exactly.
You know what films were made in less than two hours?
Right.
Star Wars.
Star Wars was made in 45 minutes.
Did you know that?
The New Halt with Edward Norton was made in half an hour.
Half an hour.
And everything?
And for 15 minutes of that they were sitting around.
Lunch break.
Really?
That's extraordinary, isn't it?
It's true.
Wow.
Pixar, those films, some of them are made in under five minutes.
They look labor-intensive.
They just have to press return on the computer.
They just press return.
It's a plug-in.
A lot of those films, it's just a plug-in you get and you get a whole animated film out.
So honestly, you're spoiled with an hour and 40 minutes or whatever it is now.
So pull your finger out.
Yeah, will you pull your finger out?
And once again, thank you to all the, whatever it is, 97 or something people who've entered so far.
That's an amazing result.
Apparently, it's the greatest result ever in the history of the big British cast.
It's the biggest reaction to a competition.
The sort of entry to effort ratio.
Yeah.
Of all time for a competition called Video Wars.
Wow.
On 6 Means.
That's actually true.
That's true.
Right now, here's the ting tings with Shut Up and Let Me Go.
Shut up!
That's the ting tings with shop and let me go.
All right.
Sounds very much what they sampled, um, chic there.
I don't know.
Or, uh, it's just a very similar guitar sound.
They have maybe very, very exciting.
They've meldged the seventies with this.
Yeah.
Uh, it's a, it's a combination of, um, um, melding and, and merging.
Really?
Melging.
Learning so much this morning.
It's true.
Yes, ting tings.
And shut up and let me go.
I think we should launch Text-a-nation, don't you?
Yeah, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.
It's now time for... Text-a-nation.
Text, text, text.
Text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
Hey, it finally happened to me.
Last weekend, I was in Glastonbury, and I was wandering around, watching Vampire Weekend, and there was a few people in the crowd who listened to the show, and as I was walking by, someone went, text the nation!
Text, text, text!
Couple of girls, and they took turns to say the texts.
Wow.
It was pretty amazing.
That is amazing.
I'm sorry I missed that.
Yeah, it was fantastic.
And then a couple of people, people were just sort of shouting random things at me.
A couple of people shouted, Steven!
Nice.
And then someone said, Steven!
Just coming!
Coming!
It's coming.
Someone shouted, oh, have you got your toys in your bag?
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's an old school reference there.
And someone shouted me box at me, which was nice.
And then the guy in front of him who didn't clearly had no clue who I was just went ha ha ha.
What?
He didn't know who you were and just laughed at you?
I don't know, I think so.
Because you just look ridiculous.
Yeah, but it was a sarcastic laugh.
He did a sarcastic laugh.
Quite right too.
I hope you learnt from that.
Put me in my place, yeah.
I got out of the crowd fairly quickly after that.
So let's, well that's exciting.
I'm sorry I missed that.
And we're going to be doing this show possibly from another festival, aren't we?
Which is the other festival we're doing?
Summer Sunday weekender.
The summer, Sunday, weekend, where does that take place?
Lester!
Lester, so we're going to be there in a few weekends time, or maybe months time, I don't know when it starts, but yeah, that'll be fun.
So listen, text the nation time.
I live near a girl's secondary school, and every morning and evening they walk past my house, and they are very, they don't really care about litter.
They drop a lot of crisp packets, and I spend a lot of my time when I exit and enter my house, picking this detritus up.
But occasionally they drop homework, love letters, interesting things that being a sort of filthy man I have a look at.
Do they really drop love letters?
Sometimes.
A little like handwritten notes.
But one thing I picked up was this.
It's an exam paper.
General certificate of secondary education, June 2008, media studies, higher tier.
So one of the girls dropped this exam paper.
And I was curious as to what kind of thing they teach at schools these days.
And it says here, the time allowed is three hours.
You have to attempt all four tasks.
The topic area examined in this paper is television situation comedy.
And this is a real exam paper.
This is a real exam.
You're advised to do the tasks in the order given.
You may use coloured pencils in your work.
That's what they say when you work for Channel 4 as well.
You're advised to use fine liners and rulers.
You may make sketches and diagrams which you think will help your answers.
BBC 3 only let you use crayons.
Yes, they do.
Very, very thick ones.
Just pink ones.
You're not allowed to write any words.
No.
Just pictures.
So that's the outer page.
On the inside of the page is this kind of fake letter from a production company called Pantheon Productions asking for ideas for sitcoms.
We're looking for young people to take part in an exciting new project encouraging fresh talent to write for television.
This is your chance to come up with new ideas for a new sitcom that we can offer to television channels.
So this is to prepare the young people of today in the skills for pitching sitcoms to TV companies.
And so what specific tasks are they asking you to fulfill?
Task one.
We want to take your ideas seriously.
Show us what you know about sitcoms, tell us what their key features are and how the genre has changed over time.
Don't forget to give us plenty of examples.
We can forget about that, everyone knows about that.
Task two is you have to argue that the sitcom hasn't died, but task three is the one we'd like to steal for Text the Nation this week.
Okay, now for the pitch.
Offer us your ideas for your own British sitcom.
You need to give us the following details.
What's the situation?
What is the setting and who are the characters?
Provide an appropriate title.
Tell us what makes it funny.
Explain who will watch it.
So that's the Text the Nation task this week.
We want you to think of new sitcom ideas.
We want like the name of a situation, what it's called and why it's funny.
That's good.
I've got I've got have you got any ideas at all?
No, but I think of some in the next song to crack the sitcom.
That's the holy grail You know, they always say that a TV channels don't bother pitching any ideas for sitcoms to us We've already got thousands of them.
Everybody pitches sitcom ideas, but how many kids would have sat this exam thousands?
Yeah, you would so presumably they got this is probably sponsored by some TV channel Well, that's what I was thinking when you just cream off the idea
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
They've got to be in cahoots with a channel.
Sure, oops.
But not a big British castle channel because... No, no, no, no.
Can you imagine the explosions that would happen?
Bring the castle down.
But yeah, that's, you know, if you get a good sitcom going there, and Lord knows, you know, we could do with another great one here.
The IT crowd is very good.
Yeah.
What else is good out there at the moment?
Well, Gavin and Stacey, obviously.
I wouldn't call that a sitcom though, is it?
It's a comedy drama.
It's a dramedy.
Yeah, so we need like a pure sick on the IT crowd is a good example.
A setting, a group of characters and a name.
Yeah.
The text number is 64046.
Texting your ideas, that's what we want you to do.
I've got one that I'd like to share with you very soon.
Really, I'm going to have a think during the next record.
Oh, this is one of yours though, isn't it, John?
Is it?
Yeah, we used to group around to this.
Man, this is terrific.
This is from an early gang star album.
This is an instrumental bit of hip-hop.
This is called DJ Premier and Deep Concentration.
Oh my gosh.
What a frightful noise.
What an absolute noise.
That's Noel Gallagher there singing with the Chemical Brothers.
We can't play the Gallaghers anymore.
Why not?
Because they've been squashed into the ground by Jay-Z.
Why was he... No, he made a mocking fool of them.
He didn't actually taunt them though, did he?
He did, yeah.
He played that clip of was it Noel saying that it was wrong for him to be playing at Glastonbury.
That's how he opened his set by playing that video.
Then he came on with a guitar around his neck and sung a mocking version of Wonderwall.
Oh, did he?
I didn't see any of that.
Because I didn't care about hip-hop.
Really?
They're by resigning Oasis to the past, to history.
Consigning them.
Consigning them as well.
They should resign because they've been consigned.
Yes.
That's outrageous.
Did he do a fantastic set though?
He did.
He's in terms of live performances.
He's one of the most... Because you said this before, but what's he doing up there on stage?
Rapping.
Did he hand out fun toot horns?
He did not hand out fun toot horns.
Well, what's the point of that then?
You're right, you're right.
But everybody got a hip-hop goodie back, including some crack.
a knife and loosey because that's what hip hop's all about, right?
Wrong.
What a cliche.
What's in the goodie bag then?
A crack?
A gun and a gun.
Positive messages.
A little bit of Afrocentricity and just some lyrical flow.
And some booty.
And it's all
flavor and the tiny little bit of booty.
Chicken flavor.
Oh, that's my favorite flavor.
Are we going to go back to textination for a little... Yes.
Let's have a jingle to give this some sort of punctuation.
Okay.
Textination.
Text, text, text.
Textination.
What if I don't want to?
Textination.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text.
Hello, my face is starting to hurt.
Is it?
I'm going to have a pill.
Oh man, what kind of pills you got there?
Amitriptyline tablets, BP 10 milligrams for oral administration.
Amitriptyline.
Yeah, they're anti-depressants.
It's the word oral making you giggle there.
No?
It was a little bit, wasn't it?
Not really.
Okay, now listen, text the nation this week.
We are asking you to come up with a sitcom, basically, inspired by this exam paper that Joe found out of his, out the front door of his house.
We want you to come up with a great idea.
You need to outline the situation for us, ideally some characters, where the thing is set, what sort of thing is happening.
Here's an idea that I've had, right?
This is not a very good idea, but I'm going to run it by you anyway.
Okay, the sitcom is called Spending a Penny.
I like it already.
It's set in a public lavatory.
Brilliant.
And the lady that runs the public lavatory is called?
Mrs. Pooh.
She's called Penny!
Penny, of course.
Mrs. Pooh!
It's off me.
Mrs. Pooh!
Well, I don't know.
Her surname is Pooh.
Penny Pooh.
Penny Pooh.
With an H.
Yes, because we wouldn't be so juvenile as don't fund the other thing.
No, exactly You stick your stick on in a public lavatory.
You got to up the stakes a little bit pop a night a Milne And guess she loves Winnie the Pooh does she all over her little office area in the public lavatory?
What do you mean by that?
There's pictures of office?
Well, you know that it's something you're going right area there with it with the two-way glass on them and She's got pictures of Winnie the Pooh everywhere.
That's her idol.
So that's how we kind of mitigate some of the scatology of the thing With with pieces important to mitigate scatology of Winnie the Pooh Here are some of her funny friends that work on a urinal in the lavatory with her Tommy tinkle
He's gay and he's very camp And he says his catchphrase is this place stinks right like that.
I mean he's a grotesque Caricature of a gay person.
I was gonna say yeah, but here's but but then right I up the ante
by having a grotesque caricature of a Jamaican person in there as well, right?
Because it's fun to have all these different, very clearly delineated character stereotypes.
Because in a sitcom, people don't object to that kind of thing.
They embrace them.
That's true.
And, you know, you might watch it first and you might think, well, this is the most offensive thing I've ever seen.
But half an hour later, you're chuckling and you love them.
Look at extras or the work of Ricky Gervais.
Well, of course, in extras, they parody the whole genre with their sitcom, within a sitcom, don't they?
They do, they do.
And they cover a lot of this ground.
But you can't go wrong with some of those stereotypes.
The groovy Jamaican attendant, he's called Billy Whiz.
Right.
And that's a character out of the Beano or Dandy, isn't it?
Well, yeah, he maybe has pictures of that character.
Right.
In his office area.
In his office area.
And his catchphrase is, we out.
What?
We out.
As in WEE out.
Yes.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
Oh, as in we're out of here.
Exactly.
Right.
We out.
Right.
But it also has the double meaning.
Yes, that's good.
It's clever, isn't it?
But listen, I was encouraged by the children's program, Nina and the Neurons.
I don't know if you've ever seen that.
No.
It's on in the morning and it's a Scottish lady and it's sort of educational thing for children.
And there's a cast of five animated little neuron characters they've got there.
And she asks her neuron friends to help her out and explain various things.
And all the neurons are from various parts of the UK.
They've got regional accents.
Except one of them is a groovy Jamaican neuron.
Really?
Yeah, and he kind of speaks like this man, for no particular discernible reason.
Well, maybe because he's from Jamaica.
But anyway, this is the thing that's making me encouraged about having a Jamaican character in spending a penny.
So that's my idea for sitcom.
Let's do mine after we hear the news, which I believe is read by Nicky Cardwell.
That's the Lemonheads, of course, with Mrs. Robinson.
This is Robinson.
It's one of those songs that it's so, uh, you know, it's easy to do a cover of Mrs. Robinson.
You can't really mess that one up.
It's such a good song.
She's a disgusting woman.
She's, uh, she's seduced a much younger man.
And that to me is disgusting.
It's disgrace.
It might have been acceptable in the sixties, but in this day and age, she should be putting prize on.
Have you not seen notes on a scandal for goodness sake, woman?
Exactly.
Exactly, woman.
They should remake that and, uh, it would be very different.
What notes on a scandal?
No, Mrs. Robinson.
Oh, I see.
What was it called The Graduate?
The Graduate.
Well, did you ever see The Graduate 2?
No, there was no such a thing.
It was, mate.
Was there?
It was a sequel.
Not made by the same people.
I think it was.
I think it was the same guy that wrote it.
No.
I think he sat around.
And it was a film?
He was very poor.
I remember reading an article about it.
And then they came to him like 20 years later, and he's on his uppers.
And they said, how about writing another chapter?
Who played the Dustin Hoffman part?
Well, it was all the... it was their children.
It was the... Oh, no, you're right.
I do remember.
It was quite recent, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and it wasn't called The Graduate Two.
It had a different name.
No, yeah.
In fact, they tried to pretend that it wasn't The Graduate Two.
That's right.
Yeah.
We'll find out more about it, maybe, from our factory.
Yes.
Can we have a jingle so we know where we are?
What?
Text-a-nation.
Text, text, text.
Text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
As per the General Certificate of Secondary Education exam for June 2008, media studies higher tier, the sheet for which I picked up in the street outside my house.
Now, we've already had Adam's toilet-based idea.
Spending a penny.
Spending a penny.
And my idea is called Keeping Up With The Joneses.
And it's based in a house which belongs to David Bowie.
And inside the house live all David Bowie's different incarnations.
Now we should say that we have actually spoken about this idea before.
Yeah, this is an old idea that I've just dusted off.
But it's a smash, it's a really good idea, this one.
We still think this could be a goer.
So all the different incarnations live in a big house, Aladdin's Seine, and the Thin White Duke, and Blue Jean, what was the Blue Jean guy called?
Screaming Lord Byron.
Screaming Lord Byron.
And the original David Jones from before he started doing his incarnations.
Who else could be in there?
David Jones from the King Bees or the Conrad's.
And these are all in separate people, they all walk around.
Well Ziggy started, did you mention him?
uh no he's obviously and he rules the roost man that's that's uh one two three four that's five and they're all separate individuals aren't they yeah and they've got they argue with each other and they've got a pet
Well, who's their pet?
A diamond dog.
The little diamond dog, of course, with Bowie's head on it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It runs around and they just have little domestic disputes.
It's a bit like some mothers do have them.
Yeah.
You know, one of them leaves the bath running.
It overflows.
It dribbles through the floor onto the Cluedo board because Aladdin Sane and Screaming Lord Byron are playing Cluedo.
And that all sets off an episode.
And the Thin White Duke is incredibly fastidious.
Yes, he's like Monica in Friends.
He runs around with a pinion in a kind of coke frenzy the whole time, trying to clean everything up.
And they all have the same catchphrase, which is... And whenever they do anything, the only sound effect is...
Which is the noise that we came up with a while back for just like, to encapsulate Bowie.
That's Bowie's first words as a baby.
That's true, there are gnomes as well, in the cupboards.
There's the gnomes in the cupboards.
You cut away to the gnomes.
And we thought maybe his neighbour, who would his neighbour be like, Mark Bolan or something?
I mean it's a little bit like House of Rock, do you remember that show that used to be on?
Better than that though.
surely yeah the cartoon yeah yeah yeah I know it's difficult to be better but I'm being ambitious that was all kinds of different dead rock stars living in a yeah no this is specifically just Bowie this is just incarnations of Bowie and only Bowie incarnate like what about the glass spider one what was his own he didn't really have a name I think maybe he was just called the Pratt
Right.
That's the big boss.
What about if characters that Bowie played in films could come in, like Tesla could come in as a cameo for one episode out of the Prestige?
Well, who was his art terrorist character?
Maybe they're electricity short circuits.
So they call an electrician and it's Tesla.
He comes round.
Yes.
Yes.
And he played Pontius Pilate, of course.
Right.
He also played.
He could be the guy from Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence, Mr. Lawrence.
Jack Zellias.
What a funny face.
But beautiful eyes.
Yeah, he could come round.
And oh, there's I mean, there's there's so many myriad.
What the guy from Absolute Beginners.
We should tell you also listeners that once we actually pitched this idea in Los Angeles in a big office in Comedy Central.
This was years and years ago.
Lipknits.
She was called Jane Lipschitz, I think she was called.
And we went into a big office there, Comedy Central.
This is when we were really hot in the olden days.
And they said, what ideas have you guys got?
And we pitched them our toy-based ideas.
They didn't go for that one.
And that took five minutes for them to give that the thumbs down.
And we thought they were going to go for it.
So out of desperation, we pitched them keeping up with the Joneses.
Never seen a more baffled woman in my life.
Ten baffled people.
I mean, they were absolutely... But we still think it's a good idea, it's a goer.
So that's our second idea for a sitcom, Keeping Up With The Joneses.
Keep your ideas coming in on 64046.
But now here's more music.
This is The Verve with Love Is Noise.
What's the new one from The Verve?
Love Is Noise.
And they've got a special noise going on right the way through that, haven't they?
They've kind of imprinted that track with a strange effect.
With the love noise.
Right the way through.
That's the love noise.
Because sometimes, you know, I'm not suggesting that the rest of the tune is weak, but I'm saying that sometimes if you shut up and make the noise again.
That's what Richard Ascroft does when he's in the throes of Passione.
Oh God.
Oh God.
It's not Harry Met Sally, you know.
Saturday morning for goodness sake.
This young family's listening.
What do you think that noise denotes?
It's a love noise.
I just love you.
That's not the love noise.
This is the love noise.
Do that again, Dr. Sexy.
You're disturbing me.
Now look, I've got to make an uncomfortable segue now into talking about my children when they're playing video games.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, but that was just, it had to be done.
No, it didn't really.
But yeah, it's getting a little bit out of hand in our house because they've got way into, I mean, we sort of wheeled out my old PlayStation, we were talking about this a few weeks back on the show.
Yes, I hear that you only let them play on Sundays.
Yeah, weekends.
Video games, yeah.
Saturdays and Sundays, like, not during school.
And this is the Wii they're playing on.
Well, they're playing on the old PlayStation.
They're playing Bomberman on there, which they're enjoying.
It's a classic.
You can't really beat it.
And it's also good for young children to get their heads around very easily.
No, you can't beat it.
You can't beat Bomberman.
Call of Duty.
No.
It's no Bomberman.
But also they're playing the Wii, of course, which, as you pointed out to me before, is the video game console designed for people who have never really owned a video game console before.
It's sort of aimed at the
non-video playing market, and it's certainly hit its target in my two young sons.
They're absolutely obsessed by it, so we've got to really ration their gameplay, because they're becoming nutty, you know?
And they absolutely, as soon as I say, okay, you can play one hour of Wii before bed, and that's it, and they go completely nuts, and they're running around going, yes, yes, the Wii, the Wii!
And they start wheeling out their catchphrases.
You're going down, Pop Pop!
In fact, I managed to record Natty actually saying it.
Let's see if we can hear it.
That's a nice little laugh afterwards.
That's why he was jumping up and down, he's actually playing Bomberman at that stage.
But if they get completely wrapped up in it, and Frank, especially my oldest son, he becomes completely transported when they're playing Star Wars Lego and stuff.
He gets so into it.
He just goes a bit nuts right and some and then when we have to switch it off and say right it's bedtime He completely loses the plot sometimes just starts jumping around it becomes like super nanny in our house You know really crying and tantrum eyes a little bit of tantrums like if the parameters are clearly established at the beginning like okay It's 10 minutes and that's it and you're going to bed and no whining then it's fine But sometimes we forget to lay down the parameters properly.
We're like, okay, that's it bedtime now.
No
he freaks out and it's a nightmare and we had to talk with him the other day Frank yes no good you're not gonna be able to play the thing if you if we're gonna have the whole tantrum that work and he yeah he said I'm sorry daddy I just when I'm playing I just can't help myself hmm
with sweet it's true but he gets completely wrapped up in it to the extent that right and this story does not reflect too well on on Paul Frank so please don't repeat it to him if you come across him in the street he's standing there playing the Wii and at the end of it at the end of his game he he goes up to bed and he just looks at me and he says dad I'm gonna need some new PJ's I'm afraid he took the whole Wii situation too literally
And he was so obsessed with his game that there was no question to take a toilet break that he was going to have a little peepee break.
He decided to take it while he was standing there gaming.
Does he know about pausing?
No, not yet.
But I mean, that is the hallmark of a true gamer.
That's true.
That must happen to you, surely.
It's like in the South Park World of Warcraft episode.
Have you seen that episode?
No.
Well you can pause.
Usually the start button freezes the game.
But you can't pause when you're right in the middle of a laser fight.
Technically you can.
Technically you can, but... But no, that shows commitment.
And it's true, even in an adult, video games do get you on some kind of weird hypnotic level.
Yeah.
very good ones really compulsive what you need you know i saw in a magazine the other day a thing called a stadium pal which is kind of like a um what do you call it when a colostomy colostomy bag for gig goers so if you want to go down right into the center of the mosh pit there and and you know you've pushed your way right to the front of the massive festival crowd or whatever
and yet you're there for two hours, what are you going to do if you want a wee wee?
You have the stadium power with you.
Actually, it's designed for sports fans more than anything who go to games and they want to stand and just watch the game without having to take a toilet break.
But I was thinking it would be good for gigs as well, although dangerous, because if you get bumped up against, then it goes everywhere.
But it would also be great for gamers, surely.
Your family has a sort of a bladder thing going on there, doesn't it?
Your dad used to have one of those things when we used to go and film with him.
What?
he had a special thing to do a Wii and when you if you were driving I was very impressed by it oh yeah well you can buy you can buy all sorts of things with a very wide neck like a bottle yeah because some people you know if you're on a long trip it's like dum and dumber you start filling up the bottles there uh if you're on you know what that I think Frank should be in an advert for the Wii because that would be the ultimate commercial that's what I was thinking exactly it's so addictive you'll Wii
There you go.
I mean, that nine line needs a bit of work.
I don't think it does.
I think it's completely fully formed.
It's there.
OK, here's a free choice for you right now, listeners.
This is a tune that I'm sure six music listeners will be familiar with.
But it's I mean, I've had this album for years and years and years, never mind by Nirvana.
But it's never been that close to my heart.
In fact, for years and years, I always thought the Foo Fighters were probably a little bit better.
You know, I enjoyed their work more.
But recently, only 20 years after the fact, I've suddenly come to realise it's really quite a good album.
And Lithium, which I'm going to play you now, is just one of the many great tracks on it.
So here's Nirvana.
There you go, that is Hot Chip recorded live for Gideon Co.
That was one of the six music sessions from the Hub on the 5th of February 2006.
They were playing over and over, of course, and at the end they were just making it up as they went along.
There's Wibbles and the Wobbles on their electronic keyboards there.
But it's fantastic stuff.
The Wibblies.
The Wibbles, the Wiggles, the Wongles.
Don't you remember the Wibblies?
Who are the Wibblies?
The Wibblies.
They wrote National Treasure 2.
Oh, the Wibblies.
They drive in a car with triangular wheels.
No, I don't remember the Wibblies.
I still haven't seen National Treasure 2.
I've got to go out and get that sat on DVD now.
No, you don't.
You sold it to me.
No way does anybody have to go and get that film.
You sold it to me.
It sounded wickles.
It will not wiggle, it will bockels.
I want to get some film and DVD recommendations from you later on.
Okay.
But right now, let's return to Text-o-Nation.
Have we had any ideas coming in from our listeners?
I can't talk about Text-o-Nation till I hear this!
Text-o-Nation!
Text!
Text!
Text!
Text-o-Nation!
What if I don't want to?
Text-o-Nation!
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter!
Text!
First of all, I should say that somebody pointed out that we forgot the greatest Bowie incarnation in our idea for a sitcom, keeping up with the Joneses, which is the Goblin King from Labyrinth.
Of course!
Who is always juggling babies.
That's right.
All times.
Juggling babies and arranging his packet.
Yes, giant goblin packet.
OK, here are some ideas for sitcoms.
So these basically can these are sort of everyone's entry for the exam paper that I picked up.
The media studies higher tier exam for June 2008 that asks you to invent a sitcom.
So Adam, I'd like you to be a sort of invigilator, an examiner, and I'd like you to grade these entries as if you were grading.
What is this now?
GCSEs.
How GCSEs graded?
Would they used to be with A's and B's and C's?
A star A B C D. They were even thinking of having like a triple star or something so because everyone was getting such high grades they needed a new system.
It's disgusting exams and worthless sprints but it's completely dumbed down.
We're totally dumbed down.
Brit's gone PC mad.
We're completely PC mad.
What's wrong with being racist?
In the old days, what?
What?
I don't know.
Okay, so here's entry number one.
Ebony, this is from Zoya, Newcastle.
Ebony and Ivory.
Two friends, a girl and a boy, move into a house.
They meet their neighbours.
On one side lives Stevie Wonder.
On the other side, Paul McCartney.
Hey, well, this is just like keeping up with the Joneses, isn't it?
Yeah, that's no bad thing.
Stevie's a laid-back guy, whereas Paul's quite grumpy.
Ironically, they don't get on with hilarious consequences.
The friends get on with both and have to try and help them live in harmony.
In one episode, Stevie's pet rabbit escapes and eats Paul's prize cabbages.
We all learn something.
The theme tune features Ebony and Ivory being sung quite angrily.
Um, Stevie and Paul McCartney.
It's quite good, but I mean, I don't think we should fixate on the whole famous people thing.
You couldn't get them, could you?
I don't think so.
You'd probably get Macca, but Wanda is still busy.
Great.
I would give that a B. Fair enough.
A B. Just a solid B. No, a B plus.
A B plus?
Because it's, she's thought about, is it a she?
Yes.
She's thought about it and it's nice, there's some nice ideas in there, but I don't think it's doable.
Did you read about the kid who just wrote F off on their exam?
No.
And still got some marks?
No.
Just for being able to write.
What did he get?
An F. And apparently they said if he'd put an exclamation mark after he would have got more points.
That's not true.
It's true.
It's in the paper.
It must be true.
Here's another one.
I don't know who this is from.
I'll find out.
But this is from somebody who says, the name of my sitcom is called Knit This, where a craggy ex-con called Hector Pearl is told to join a knitting club as part of his parole.
The club's mostly made up of women of various stereotypes.
Good.
And possibly one very camp man called Ernest, whose catchphrase is,
Will you cast me on?
Is that a knitting phrase?
Yeah.
Hilarity ensues as he persuades them to knit a blanket for his mates still in prison while secretly altering the patterns to incorporate escape maps.
Hey, like Prison Break.
Like the film, you know, uh, Knitting and Looms.
It's from Emily in Stress and This.
Sorry, Emily.
Looms are very fashionable right now.
If you've seen the film Wanted, with James McAvoy and what's... Oh, big lips.
Fishlips, McFarland.
Giant, Tina, McFarland.
Angelina Joualet.
Angelina Jolie.
That's the name.
The most beautiful lady in the world.
If you've seen that film, that's all to do with an ancient loom, and you can sort of read the stitches.
The stitches are in a binary code.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Oh, for God's sake.
What's it all coming to?
Oh, dear.
Anyway, so that makes Emily's idea very, very au courant.
I like that.
And I think that's good.
You know what?
I think that's an idea for a film.
not a sitcom necessarily, even though the sitcom could spin off the film.
I like the idea of a big grizzly ex-con.
It's a bit like The Lady Killers joining a knitting circle.
Knitting's very fashionable.
That kind of counterpoint, you know, violence with naffness is very British.
I think that's good.
Because for a sitcom, you're supposed to, everything is supposed to end at the end of the episode.
It all resolves.
It's the status quo.
is resolved exactly it's got to be maintained you can't you're not supposed to have like a story art that goes now people are gonna send us ideas with status quo in them yeah then each week the status quo would be resolved it would be good here's another sorry I just thought obviously the music sorry you could do the theme could be by knitting sawny for that nice it's not that nice thank you and good night
Here's another one from somebody.
Again, they haven't put their name, but Jude may be able to figure it out.
Their sitcom idea is called Before Blobby.
I'm a big fan of Mr Blobby, as you know.
And this is a sitcom based on the early life of Blobby.
The story before Blobby made it.
Growing up incompetent.
Did you know that that Mr Blobby was from Compton?
Was he in America?
He came from the brutal heart of gang LA, gangland.
Before Blobby made it, he was growing up in Compton.
He plays tennis with them.
This is just complete gibberish.
I don't know why I started reading this, but I'm going to have to finish it now.
Made it growing up in Compton, he plays tennis with them sisters but he gets into drugs and gets arrested where he ends up meeting Noel Edmonds.
Not talked about, secret son who he protects from being... bummed?
Burned?
Not sure.
He then arranges for Blobby to escape, spelt with an A, with the aid of Noel and his helicopter and the rest is history.
Look at the BBC 3.
That's exactly the kind of pitch they like.
Yes.
You're so young and hip, you can't even speak or think.
Yes.
Well, what was the thing they did on BBC 3 with all the kind of Jamie Hewlett characters recently?
Oh, Foo Action.
Yeah, that's coming back.
That's been commissioned for a series.
There you go.
So what's wrong with Blobby?
They'll have Blobby, surely.
That's a good idea.
I'm just trying to figure out who that's from.
The no-name.
But that's very good.
I mean, I think it probably exhausted him writing all that, let alone his name.
I just love the way the eyes jiggle around.
on Blobby.
There's two things I love about Blobby, the jiggly eyes, the bow tie and the fact that it's an RSC trained actor inside.
Always, always loved that.
Listen, shall we have some more music and we'll hear some more sitcom ideas shortly.
This is Glass Vegas right now with Geraldine.
That's Glass Vegas with Geraldine.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Joe, I was just thinking like of all the people to play the late great Tony Hancock, why would you choose Will Smith?
What?
I mean, it just seems insane.
Oh, I see.
Now I understand.
Well, you're confused.
It's not a film about Tony Hancock.
What?
It's a film about a superhero.
Oh.
Is that it?
Is that it?
Yeah.
No, it's not as if it doesn't have... Have you seen Hancock?
You know what?
It's the one film I haven't seen.
Does it last half an hour?
Apparently it's only good for half an hour.
People say it takes a big narrative twist half an hour in and it goes very wonkazoid.
I'm sure.
I mean that looks like a load of torture.
I think it looks good.
No, you're insane.
I thought the trailer looked good.
Are you friends with Will Smith now as well or something?
Possibly.
Big Willy style.
We can't slag off any more movie stars now because you're friends with all of them.
But that doesn't look... I think it looks good.
For half an hour.
I like the idea of like a superhero who's a bum.
Right.
And I like the look of Will Smith with really chapped, dry lips.
Yeah.
You know, that hasn't been done in movies before.
Very dry lips.
Very dry lips.
Imagine Angelina Jolie doing that.
Ooh, dear.
Oh, lordy.
Crikey.
Have you ever seen, um, Gothicca?
No, that's her stupid, is she?
No, that's Halle Berry in a stupid sort of serial killer film.
I haven't, I've avoided that one.
Hey, LaBrie, she's in that one.
I avoid films where the title is written out of scratching.
Scratching of insane nails.
It's never a good sign for me.
Exactly.
And while I was ill though, go and see almost every film available in the Los Angeles area.
So you saw The Hulk?
I saw Oonk.
I saw Oonk twice.
I saw The Hulk at the premiere with loads of people from Marvel and ILM there.
And it's weird seeing a film with the people who worked on it because they applaud things that normal audiences wouldn't applaud.
Like if somebody's, if the door of a house has been beautifully graded to turn it from blue to blue.
Awesome!
Like that.
You don't know what they're applauding half the time.
You know they're applauding a particularly convincing looking moist area of hulk thigh or something like that.
I enjoyed the hulk a lot.
Did you?
Yeah.
You were a fan of the first one though, right?
The Ang Lee one?
Yeah.
I mean that was good.
Is this better or worse than that?
It's very different.
It's made less money, weirdly, the new one, even though it's more... less intellectual.
It's more pace-y.
Yeah.
Oh, it's really good, the new one.
And I also saw Wanted.
That's a film about people who can fire guns and the bullets go in a curve.
What?
Yes.
That's the main innovation of it.
The bullets go in a curve.
In case that's not enough there's also a lot of stabbing and hitting.
It's a nasty film.
Why do they go round corners?
Because no one's done it before.
Yes.
And also, because they can do with the CGI, they can do it.
Can they turn quite sharp corners?
No, they bend it.
It's just a very gentle bend.
It's like Pelé with his banana kick.
Shoot the wings off those flies.
What are you talking about?
What do you mean?
Shoot the wings off the flies.
You're crazy.
You'd simply do it.
I did it!
Oh!
My bullets went bended!
Did you see?
I was able to shoot the fly cos of the bended bullets!
Sort of a cross between shooting and ping pong.
Uh-huh.
It's quite a good film, but it leaves a very nasty taste in the mouth.
Very violent.
Who's in that?
Who didn't that?
Who didn't that?
Who didn't that one?
James McAvoy.
James McAvoy, yes, he was at the premiere.
He's in everything.
A tiny man in a leather jacket.
He snogs Andadoody.
Andadoody.
He snogs her up the face.
Angelina Jolie.
And he was sitting watching it with his girlfriend.
He was about two rows away from me, sitting watching it with his girlfriend.
I detected some uncomfortable vibes when he kissed Angelina Jolie.
Yes, well, exactly.
I mean, because you would presumably have to enjoy it on some level.
Yeah.
Actors always say, oh, no, you know, I mean, it's very technical.
It's not a sexy situation.
You've got a big crew standing around.
But the fact is... It'd be rather nice, wouldn't it?
There's worse jobs.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I think his girlfriend looked a bit threatened by that.
I may have been just imagining it.
In fact, it's just come through.
Officially, I was imagining it.
But still, it's worth saying.
I saw one of the worst films I've ever seen as well.
Which one?
The Love Guru.
Oh, Michael Myers.
It was a big comedy face-off in Los Angeles.
It was Get Smart with Steve Carell versus The Love Guru, which was going to make the biggest box office boffo thing, you know, make the most money.
Mike Myers is having a bad going through a bad
Well, that's a shame because we were talking about him hosting the MTV Awards the other day.
He did a good job.
He did a fantastic job.
But he has not done a good job with the love guru.
It's like, bafflingly, amazingly awful.
It's worth going to see because it's so terrible.
It's like watching a man standing with his toes next to a bucket, trying to drop apples into that bucket, and all of them missing.
He should hook up with Judd Apatow and all that lot.
Yeah, I bet he wants to.
I mean, he's an amazing talent, though, Mike Myers.
He's fantastic.
Everybody's ragging on him in America.
They hate him.
That's weird.
The best comedy I saw was You Don't Mess With The Zohan.
What is that?
That's Adam Sandler's new one.
Oh.
I mean, when I say the best one I saw, I mean, comparatively speaking.
Best of a bad bite.
But it's funny.
I've got time for Sandler.
It's got a parody of electronics shops in it.
Right.
Of cheapskate electronics shops.
And one of the phrases they say when they're trying to sell things is, Sony guts.
Sony guts!
It's got Sony guts!
Meaning that, you know, on the outside, the brand is Tishonka.
Yeah.
But on the inside, the guts are Sony.
The guts are Sony.
It's good stuff.
It's funny.
Well, I'm up for that.
I only just saw Be Kind Rewind the other day.
I haven't seen that yet.
Have you not?
No.
It's worth seeing.
It's quite an odd film.
I mean, it seems to have been improvised on the spot.
Right.
So Michel Gondry has just said, OK, so in this scene, Jack Black, you say some things to Mos Def and he laughs and then you go to the door and you like the point of the scene is, I don't know, you want to make some films of some of the videos.
I go to Rubik's Cube with my feet.
Yes.
Okay, okay, go, start acting now.
Oh, that's good.
Coupe, coupe, coupe.
Como se, et coupe, merci.
It always does it.
It's a French direct as well.
Yeah, you realize it's real.
Okay, Michel, Gondry, that was only the first thing.
That was just off the top of my head.
Should we do a few more now until we find some good stuff?
No, that's okay.
Let's move on.
I think we've got that now.
We will still be paid.
It's okay.
It's okay.
But it's worth seeing.
It's enjoyable.
Right now, Joe, we got some music.
This is one of your choices.
Yeah, this is just a cry, a personal cry from me to the world, courtesy of Elvis Costello.
This is called I Wanna Be Loved!
That's a peach, isn't it?
Yes.
favourite bit in there when he goes oh he does it nicer than that because he's using a piano which is it's got some terrific modulations is that the correct word yeah a little bit of a chord key change there yeah i like it and who doesn't want to be loved
Wow.
Why can't we all love each other?
Some pop stars don't want to be loved.
Gigi Allen, he didn't want to be loved.
He didn't, did he?
Did you ever find out about him?
Well, he was with a hate man, you see.
It was an amazing documentary about him called Hated, and he was a kind of punk musician who used to smear himself in excrement and do all sorts of appalling things on stage.
Everything you said has been toilet-based this morning.
That's true.
Have you noticed that?
Yeah, well, there you go.
I mean, that's where it's at though, isn't it?
That's where it all ends up.
Is it, though?
But it's something we can all relate to.
Yeah?
It's true, that's true.
I mean, at the end of the day, I've got a little email here, in fact, from someone, from Laura Dixon.
Hi, Laura, thanks for emailing us.
She says, hello.
Funny you should be talking about colostomy bags and gigs.
I know someone who wears incontinence pads.
No.
Yeah, she says it's like a grown-up... Pads?
Pads, she says.
Like a grown-up nappy.
and they wear them when standing in line for gig tickets.
She's the sort of person who cues up all night to get the first tickets, you know what I mean.
Anyway, she wears them because then you don't need to leave the line to go to the loo.
That's terrifying.
And they soak up a lot of liquid apparently, she says.
I'm imagining blue liquid, like in a commercial, held by a very, very dainty hand.
Exactly.
On a neutral background.
Shortly before going riding across
It's terrible.
What an awful thought that you might be in a crowd and someone might be wearing pants full of extras.
Yeah, there you go.
As long as it's not a physical release, you're all right though, isn't it?
As long as it's purely digital.
Digital release.
And now, folks, I'm sorry to say that we are going to be away again.
For another three weeks, I feel ashamed that it's all been so all over the place for the last few weeks.
It's just the way things have worked out.
You know, we had to take a couple of days off and then, unfortunately, Joe got ill and everything.
But when we return, which will be in three weeks time,
We're going to be here for the duration, and the big British castle won't release us for quite some time, so order will be restored.
But we have excellent coverage while we're away.
I'm really proud to say that Alan Carr's going to be filling in on our first show and the third show, and then in the middle, the wonderful David Quantick is going to be here.
I don't know if you caught Dave Quantick's amazingly funny kind of Encyclopedia of Rock-style show on Radio 2 a few weeks back, but that was really well worth catching.
I wonder, can you listen again to those things still?
Or do they expire after a while?
But if you ever get the opportunity, you should check it out.
My wife is obsessed by Alan Carr, you know?
She just thinks... Yeah, she thinks he's the funniest guy in the whole world.
And we caught ourselves watching the Friday night project the other day.
And quite enjoying it.
Have you ever had that happen to you?
Not personally.
I mean, you know, in the olden days, I wasn't so sure about the Friday night project, I have to be honest.
But recently, I've been quite digging it.
Does that mean I'm getting younger?
No, it means you're just getting stupid.
It means you're really tired.
It means you've got young children and you're exhausted.
He's great, though.
He's very funny, Alan Carr.
And my wife, she sat there when we were watching it.
She giggled at every single thing that he said, like she just couldn't stop herself.
She was getting embarrassed after a while.
I mean, he was saying some funny stuff, but she was really giggling.
And then she admitted to me the next day that she'd been at work and she said, I was giggling just at the thought of Alan Carr at work today.
She said she was just thinking about him.
And I said, what were you giggling about?
What were you thinking?
She's just saying, oh, you know, just the way he says things.
She was just the idea of Alan Carr saying various things is enough to make her delighted.
So we've humiliated your wife and your son.
I humiliated your dad.
Who's left?
Your mum.
We are half an hour to deal with your mum.
There's nothing to be humiliated about.
He's genius.
He's a cuddly camp genius, Alan Carr, and anyone in their right mind would find him adorable and amusing.
And I'm very pleased that he's going to be filling in for us.
Also grateful to David Quantick as well.
But we will be back, yeah, as I say, after about three weeks and then we'll be here for the duration.
We do still have half an hour of this show to go though, so, you know, don't panic.
No, of course.
And now it's time for the news and the music news.
The news is read by Nicki Cardwell and music news is read by Lucy O'Doherty.
That's James with Laid.
Have you seen that man Tim Booth jumping around recently?
No, I can picture him in my head though.
I didn't realise until he was on later with Jules Holland the other day quite what a jumping man he is.
He loves to jump around.
Yeah, they were at some festival as well.
I saw them on the telly and they had loads of middle-aged women jumping around on stage with them as well.
I don't know if that's just their fans have grown up a little bit now, but it was a beautiful sort of maternal jumping scene going on there.
Anyway, that's by the by.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Let's have a jingle.
Text-a-nation.
Text, text, text.
Text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
This week's Text the Nation is based on the General Certificate of Secondary Education June 2008 Media Studies Higher tier preliminary material for control tests to be worked during May 2008 H3571 stroke HM AQA Assessment and Qualifications Alliance paper.
It's a media studies exam and it's asking the kids of the nation to come up with a sitcom idea
to pitch to a TV company, which is either a brilliant kind of modern idea, or it's a very cheap and lazy way to steal ideas from kids.
Right.
To put them on the telly.
And we've had loads of entries.
I'm going to whiz through some now.
Adam's going to play the part of a kind of a commissioning type man.
No, you're not.
I'm the invigilator.
No, I'm not.
Well, it's the exam marker man.
That's what they're called.
The exam marker man.
Yeah, you're called Mark.
Mark marker man.
And you're going to give these ABCs stars or whatever it is these days.
OK, here we go.
This is from Chris.
Dear Adam and Joe, how about a sitcom set in an internet chat room full of cliched internet users?
It could be called LOL.
Oh, I'm going to give that an A star.
An A star?
It's good, isn't it?
It's modern.
It's very good.
It's very good.
Yeah, because that's a good idea.
That's brilliant.
I'm repeating myself, but just for impact.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's another one.
This is from somebody anonymous.
Sitcom idea.
Only foos and horses.
Dr. Dre, 50 Cent and Eminem, living in a ghetto flat in Peckham.
Here we go.
Always trying to make a million.
Only foos and horses.
Yeah.
Come on, that's good.
That's better than the lol.
Isn't it?
No, because a sitcom, you need mass appeal, right?
That's a mass appeal with a hip-hop.
It's everywhere.
It's squashed.
That's late night.
Late night Channel 4, that is.
Your channel's going down.
Oh, God.
I'm giving that a boo.
I'm inviting you to a boo-boo party.
Here is another one.
This is from Steve Burks.
I differ sitcom Ross, Ross, Ross and Ross.
Ross Kemp, Nick Ross, Ross Noble play themselves and share a flat together in Rossshire in Scotland.
Diana Ross moves into the flat next to them and soon catches their collective eye.
The series charts their hilarious adventures as they compete to win the heart of the ex-Supreme star.
If the ratings are low at the end of the first series,
Jonathan and Paul Ross can be hired to add some only Fools and Horses-style sibling shenanigans.
Hey, he said the ideal demographic for this are the C1s and the Ds.
I don't know what that means.
It sounds good.
B-Star.
B-Star?
Alright, here's one from Dan in Queen's Park.
Hi guys, my sitcom is called Well Hung and centres around the adventures of an 18th century hangman and his friends.
The main character is called Mr Lynch and his catchphrase is, I'll kill you for that.
He's really inept, though, and each week the condemned man escapes, only to be recaptured and brought back each week by the policeman Old Bill.
The other main character is the jailer Little Willie, who is very camp.
His catchphrase is, I bet he's well hung, to which Mr Lynch replies, he will be tomorrow.
It might not be brilliant, but it's got to be worth a series surely loved down in Queens Park.
Uh, yes, it is worth the series.
I'll give it an A. Hey, I agree with you.
I think that's very, that's one of the best ones so far.
I was thinking maybe it might be about the art world as well, you know, about framers and stuff.
Yes, but you were wrong.
I wasn't- Wasted your neurons.
I was wrong.
Here's another one from an anonymous, uh, texter.
How about a sitcom called Guantu-
Hang on a second.
Of course there had to be a Guantanamo.
Guantanamo B. Yeah.
Pine-sized, peace-loving, vegan pop icon Moby is detained without charge or trial.
The show would focus on his futile attempts for justice, which would inevitably fail with hilarious consequences.
And that would pull in a big audience.
It's a bit tortured.
Hang on, it's not torture.
Waterboarded.
That's allowed.
It's not torture.
Yes, exactly.
It depends what kind of information Moby has, you know?
If he poses a significant threat, then it's totally legit.
Yes.
I'm amazed that more people haven't suggested Guantanamo-based ones.
Have you seen Harold and Kumar in Guantanamo?
No, I haven't seen that yet.
No, there's always time though, isn't there?
I'm looking forward to it.
It's supposed to be good.
That's quite good.
That is quite good.
Mark, great.
It's a little bit like Prison Break, isn't it, as well, with Moby in it?
In some ways.
Ah, he's a very nice man, Moby.
I'd give that an A. Okay, one more.
We got time for one more?
Yeah, one more.
Sitcom idea.
This is from Dave in Bath.
It's called Chief Kegwin.
It's about a washed- It's about a washed-up TV presenter who becomes head of a police precinct in a rough part of New York.
He overcomes his relative inexperience with bandless enthusiasm and a cheeky personality and giving away giant cheques.
I added that bit at the end.
Yeah, that's from David Bath.
That's pretty good.
Well, it reminds me of our friend Louis' idea.
Cheggers can't be boozers.
Yes.
Which is just about Cheggers trying to avoid having a drink.
Anyway, thank you very much for all your suggestions there for Texan Nation this week.
Very much appreciated.
And I think the world of sitcom is in extremely safe hands.
Time now for some more music.
This is Lady Hawk with Paris is burning.
That is Lady Hawk with Paris is burning.
Is that inspired by the film Lady Hawk with Michelle Pfeiffer?
Who can tell?
It seems to be inspired by... It's one of the worst films ever made.
It seems to be inspired by Banana Rama, though.
It sounds good.
I like the sound of that.
I mean, that is heavily reliant on the classic sound of the bananas.
If they remade Lady Hawk, do you know who would... Well, because they're remaking everything.
That's true.
And they'll get there eventually.
Who would play Lady Hawk?
Davina McCall.
Davina McCall.
Yes.
Because she looks like a lady hawk.
A beautiful hawk.
A beautiful hawk.
Sleeping with her would be like sleeping with a hawk.
Yeah, because she sounds similar as well.
She does.
And she's almost as if she's got big silky black wings.
Evil ones.
Is she still doing Big Brother?
Yeah.
Here's some celebrity gossip.
I had a Din Dins at the Chateau Marmont, right?
It's a posh hotel in Los Angeles.
And who was at the next door table?
James Belushi.
Dermot O'Leary.
Was he?
That was the level of star power at the Chateau Marmont.
Did you eavesdrop on his composition?
Joe Cornish and Dermot O'Leary.
And Robbie Williams, who haunts that place.
Who was Dermot with?
He was over in LA to do some meetings.
He might be presenting some American TV shows.
Lots of British people are out there.
Mel B from the Spice Girls has got a new show with Joey Fat One.
I'm not sure that's how you pronounce his name, but it's certainly spelled Fat One.
Didn't he used to be an in sync?
He's the fat one from Insigny.
Joey Fatone.
They present a new show called The Singing Office.
And it's what they do is fat one goes into surprises one group of office workers.
Mel B surprises the other group.
They train them to sing and dance and then they have a dance off.
Right.
It's a cross between American Idol and The Office with nothing added.
Yeah.
The twist is there isn't a twist.
It's just the office and American Idol.
Wow.
That's going to be big for Mel B. What's Dermot going to be doing out there?
I mean, you know... How's Dermot going to compete with that?
He could do dramatic roles.
We were mentioning Prison Break before.
I don't know if you ever watched that show, but he could definitely be the big, the brother with the giant neck in that show.
He's such a nice man.
He was so nice.
Dermot.
Yeah, he's very handsome as well.
His hair's got a bit longer.
Oh.
Yeah.
He's good looking.
Look, our producer, Jude, is fanning herself because she finds him.
She wants a slice of O'Leary.
She wants two slices of O'Leary.
That's too many.
One on each boob.
What?
Are you trying to get us thrown out of the castle?
That's nothing rude about that.
It's quarter to twelve on a Saturday morning and you're conjuring images of Derma O'Leary on people's...
breasts.
People have breasts all round the clock.
They don't go away at noon.
No, but they become acceptable.
Before noon, they're in no way acceptable and people have to be covered up and strapped down.
And not mentioned.
Never referred to.
Before midday, that's the unwritten booby rule, which you have transgressed.
Okay, now, this is exciting because a few weeks ago I had a free play and I was all excited.
I was saying, this is what becomes The Broken Hearted, which was of course a Colin Blunstone track, Colin Blunstone from The Zombies.
But this is a version that came out in the 80s with Dave Stewart.
And first of all, I got it wrong.
It wasn't Dave Stewart from The Erythmics.
It was another Dave Stewart who was in a band called Hatfield in the North.
He also did a cover of It's My Party with Barbara Gaskin, if you remember, in the early 80s.
He was on fire in the early 80s.
Barbara Gaskin.
Barbara Gaskin.
And he did this cover with Colin Blunstone of What Becomes the Broken Hearted.
A few weeks ago we played the wrong version, the original version.
But this is the crazy early 80s synth-y version.
See if you like this.
Cool.
What was that?
What on earth was that?
What the hell was that?
Turn this off or I'll drown a puppy.
Someone just emailed it.
Toby.
Thanks so much Toby.
Thanks for your input.
I really like that.
That's excellent.
Dave Stewart, and not that Dave Stewart, the other Dave Stewart, and Colin Blunstone, who coincidentally is going to be on Steven Merchant's show tomorrow with another member of the zombies.
They're sort of reformed and playing gigs at the moment.
And I'm sure well worth catching.
They're amazing the zombies.
So that's on Steven Merchant's show.
Hey, I've had an idea.
Go on then.
When we come back, we might do song wars, right?
Right.
And I had an idea for song wars.
Oh, yeah.
You know, there's a new James Bond film.
Yes, I do.
Quantum of Solace.
And you know, they're having trouble getting someone to do the song because they keep going for all the druggies.
Are they not going for what's his name again?
Who did?
No, they went for Winehouse, but she was unable to stand up and walk.
That's true.
So they had to stop that.
And I think they might be going for Duffy, but there's still time.
You're joking.
Duffy's not on the list.
Yeah.
What's the world coming to?
Well, she's a big star.
She's number two.
Oh, for goodness sake.
In the charts.
She's 12.
We're number 40 in the charts.
Are we?
Shh.
Can't talk about it.
I thought we were at number one.
In the comedy chart, yeah.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Anyway, my idea was we should do a song, a theme song for Quantum of Solace.
Good idea.
And I know David Arnold, the Bond composer.
Yeah.
So I could give him a tinkle and get him to pitch in and judge them.
And you never know if one of them is good enough.
Right.
Eh?
Might be what?
Eh?
Might be... They might be... They might use it!
For the film!
For the film!
That's definitely gonna happen.
Let's do that then.
So when we come back in three weeks time?
Yeah.
Quantum of Solace.
Okay.
The Quantum of Solace.
That's good, man.
I'm gonna have to go out and buy some new plug-ins for GarageBand.
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
I mean, it's got to be sort of epic and serious.
Yeah, orchestral.
It's got to be suitable for naked ladies to dance to.
Yeah.
But you can have a rap in the middle there, can't you?
Er, Quantum of Solace.
What rhymes with solace?
Uh... Dollace.
Dollace Hill.
That's not very James Bondy.
Does he live in Dollace Hill?
Maybe he does.
It's very real and gritty these days.
That's a different film, man.
Quantum of Dollace Hill.
Have you seen the trailer?
No.
It's the same.
As all the Bond trailers.
As the other one.
Right.
It's got Judi Stench getting very annoyed.
Wallace, of course, rhymes with Solace.
It's got Daniel Craig's boobs.
Yeah, his man boobs.
His man boobs are all over the show.
Delightful.
He's going AWOL in this one.
Right.
He's refusing to listen to anybody and shooting people left, right and centre.
What is the premise of the film?
Don't know.
It's a spy.
He's about a British spy.
He's got a dinner jacket.
He's got a dinner jacket.
And a gun and a license.
And lots of products.
He's licensed it.
Chill.
He's licensed to a product place.
There you go.
Okay, now we just got time for one more track before we say goodbye.
We may not be able to play the whole of this one, though, I don't think.
Should we start it off?
Let's start it now, Jude.
This is Big Audio Dynamite with E equals MC squared.
We'll be back with you in three weeks time.
Is this our goodbye, Link?
Yeah.
Thanks a lot for listening and texting and emailing and everything.
And we'll be back with you in three weeks time.
And thanks to Unity and Division, who we saw them playing at Glastonbury last weekend.
We gave them a mention.
They've sent us a very nice message.
And they're playing at Bonkers Fest on Campbellwell Green in London on the 19th of July.
So go along.
It's a free event.
And they will be there.
They were fantastic, Unity and Division.
Don't forget the show is available on Listen Live.
And the podcast will be there from Sunday to about 11.
Stay tuned for this Kershaw, we love you, bye!