The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (21 June 2008)

That is Saint Etienne, lovely Sarah Cracknaught with You're in a Bad Way, and that was from the early 90s, 1993.

That was over 150 years ago, listeners.

Things were very different then.

They didn't have cars.

All the world was covered with trees and plant life.

and there was no Robbie Williams.

It was a very different world.

Hi, this is Adam Buxton and I'm joined today by my good friend Garth Jennings.

Yes, Joe's not here.

I'm standing in for Joe because he's got shingles.

He's got the shingles and he's in Los Angeles.

He went off to Los Angeles to do some work with his showbiz pals.

But as soon as he got there and checked into his gold palace, he got the shingles.

Which is terrible, really, because shingles is one of those things that, you know, it sounds like a made-up disease, doesn't it?

Well, I didn't know what it was before, and I was talking about this yesterday, that it sounds like a Stephen King novel.

because I was thinking it sounds like you know you can imagine the poster on the underground and it's sort of the new Stephen King novel shingles you know between the shiver and the tingle lies the shingle and yeah but then they turned out it's you know you'd know in reality you get it when you're really run down

Right, it's a nervous, uh, disease of the nervous system, is that right?

Well, I think it's a bit run down and, yeah, but it's lying dormant within all of us.

Which is why I was thinking again of Stephen King.

Yeah, because it's once you get measles or something like that when you're at chicken pox.

Right.

That little tiny piece of it stays within you and if you go too bad... You should do the shingle smooth, it's like the Incredible Hulk.

The shingle.

Edward Norton and he just gets a rash.

Don't make me angry.

Dora might get a nasty rash.

I don't want to get run down again.

Don't make me run down.

But listen, it can be worse than just an itchy rash, though.

I mean, shingles can be very serious.

If you get it on your face and rat, don't grin at me.

I can't help it.

It's not grinning.

It's a serious thing, you know, like if you get it round your eyes, if it's really bad, you can go blind with that crazy stuff.

It can.

And it's not something to be laughed at.

So I hope, uh, Dr. Sexy is okay.

I'm pretty sure he is.

We got, we got a message saying that he is gonna be back in time for our coverage of Glastonbury next week.

Good.

Uh, he's not gonna miss out on Glastonbury.

No.

But Dr. Sexy's been in a bad way, so that was, uh, St Etienne for him.

Yeah, and I'm sorry for making it sound like a joke.

We miss you, man, and I hope you get well soon.

Yeah, absolutely.

That was very nice.

I was doing a late night voice there.

But in every possible conceivable way, Garth is going to be taking Joe's place as best he can in his own inimitable fashion and he is going to be indulging in song wars with us this week.

Yes, I'm going to take Adam on head-to-head with song wars and I've written something for it this time because last time I sat in, I did a cover version of Elton John's I'm Still Standing with My Grandma, which is cheating because you can't, you know, you're supposed to write something.

Yeah.

This time I've written something.

Good one.

And the theme this time is illness.

We thought it would be as a tribute to Dr. Sexy with his shingles.

Uh, and also the fact that, uh, both Garth and I have been feeling a bit under the weather recently, but we'll tell you more about that later on in the show.

And of course we have, uh, text the nation.

Text to Nation, the nation's favorite feature.

There's so much to talk about, but right now here's some music.

Now, this is the new one from Beck.

Have you heard this, Garth?

No, I want to hear this with my whole face.

Chemtrails.

He just keeps churning the stuff out.

You would think that Beck would just sit back on his kind of ironical couch and put his trainers up.

No, this is all in the new thing.

I'm hearing good things, and it's just signed to XL with this, hasn't it?

Ooh.

It's all exciting.

XL, they're so hot right now.

They're powerful.

Let's hear Beck with Chemtrails.

Oh, he's back.

He's coming back there.

He's walking out and then he thought, you know, I'm just going to wander back in.

Yeah, Danger Mouse.

While I'm playing.

Hey, come back.

Come back here and finish.

Hey, Bec, where are you going?

No, it's actually real, the actual real Danger Mouse game.

Bec, come back.

Come back, Bec.

And finish your funny guitar.

You see, and then very abrupt.

I mean, that's perverse, isn't it?

And he wanders out, and he comes back, and then suddenly there's a little abrupt conclusion there.

That was Beck.

That's his new one.

It's released on the 23rd of June.

It's called Chemtrails, and that is produced by Danger Mouse.

Now, he is so hot right now.

He's been hot for a while, I guess.

What did he do pre-Niles Barkley?

Well, he started off, didn't he, doing the gray album, which was mixing Jay-Z's black album

With the Beatles' white album.

That's right.

The Grey album.

And then it all went onto the gorillas.

Oh yeah.

I mean, it all went crazy from there.

You know facts.

What are you doing here?

Oh, that's what I'm doing here.

People who know facts aren't really allowed on this show.

We don't know anything at all.

Those are facts you can't avoid.

I mean, he's, like you say, he's the most popular and famous producer right now.

He's the producer du jour.

And he'll produce anyone now.

Black Keys, Black Eyed Peas, Black Kids.

He doesn't mind.

He'll produce them all.

Yeah.

But he's not got a signature sound as such, does he?

Like, he hasn't got a drum machine he carries around with him everywhere.

I don't know.

I wouldn't know that that was produced by Danger Mouse.

Maybe that's the hallmark of a truly great producer.

Yes.

You know, like the Neptunes.

Oh, yes.

The Neptunes have produced something.

Yeah, cause they say, hi, we're the Neptune.

Yeah.

All the way through it goes, I'm for real and I'm producing this record.

Yeah.

And then, it's the same with Timberland.

You know, you're going, who made this?

And he goes, Timberland made it.

I made it with, I made it quite quickly when I wasn't thinking very hard.

Well, there's that, the new Weezer song, what's it called again?

Oh yeah, Timberland, it's called... Mashin' Peas or something, Pork and Beans.

Yeah, yeah, and Timberland knows the way to the top of the charts.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah.

Well, uh, he's, he's a genius.

Uh, he's a genius.

But the question is, as you were saying during that song, does Danger, is Danger Mass accompanied by a little engineer called Penfold?

Yes.

Because good grief every time something stupid happens musically.

Someone drops a symbol.

Good grief!

And now look at this, we've got some Niles Barkley coming up for you first.

Well, this was one of my choices.

I get to pick a couple of songs.

Was it?

So it was, it was happenstance.

Yes.

Is that the right word?

That sounds like a little village in Oxford.

But I picked this one because my friend Dom, who's a bit of a music guy.

Yeah.

And a lovely chap.

He sent this to me and it really is one of those rocking tracks that will wake you up on a Saturday morning.

We don't want that.

Yeah, you do.

Do we?

Because it starts off, you think, oh, for a few seconds you'll think, oh, this is nothing.

I'm not worried about this.

And then suddenly you're attacked by Niles Barkley from all angles.

Ooh, sexy.

And after this, I think maybe we should do some more.

But first, here is Goth's first choice for you listeners.

This is No Time Soon by Niles Barkley.

Oh.

This could be one of those days When we must wash our ways It's good for you to be out of my sight

Cause you'll never know in my time And I carry this, it's heavy Like Michelle already said

Oh, dear.

Is this the kinky you were talking about?

Man, I've made a terrible mistake.

I'm sure this track is very good.

But this is not the track I'm looking for.

Oh.

These aren't the tracks I'm looking for.

Where did you get the track No Time Soon from?

You got the title right.

I think it's called Gone Too Soon.

Oh.

I think there might be a slight... I'm sure I wrote the name down, because I don't even know the name of this one.

Here we go.

Look, Claire's got a copy of the album there.

What have we got here?

Let's have a look.

It says, uh...

Don't worry though, man, this is something we like to do on the show as well.

I played the Colin Blunstone track What Becomes the Broken Hearted the other day, and it was the totally wrong version, and there was no point in playing it whatsoever, because I wanted to play the Dave Stewart one with all the synthesizers on it, and...

I think so, but I can't see the title of it.

I think it's been a terrible mistake.

You know what?

I blame my friend Dom.

Here's an idea for some Solid Girl radio.

Let's flick through every single track.

And still we find the right one.

Oh dear, and we were off to a roll at the beginning there.

Should we start a track one?

Yeah, go on.

Are we really gonna do that?

No, we're not really, are we?

I think it's you.

I love it.

Random radio.

Is this it?

It's not this one.

That's nice though.

Okay, track two.

I'm just gonna say, no, oh yes, no!

That's meant!

What if we get to the end of the album and it's not on there?

It is on there.

This is it!

This is the hit!

Ugh, that's the Smiths with heaven knows I'm miserable now and, uh, cause it's a miserable morning.

I don't know what it's like where you are folks.

I hope it's nicer than where we are.

It's just about the worst kind of weather you could get really.

It's sort of rainy and blustery, but still a bit muggy.

Well, you know what, I just cycled all the way from home to here.

Mm-hmm.

And I, I, by the time I got here, I realised my face had been squeezed up like a strange sort of shape.

Yeah.

From dealing with the spray from the buses.

It was only when I got off that I realised my whole face had locked in this weird shape.

Right.

But it's calming down now, thanks to the coffee.

Yeah, good, good, good.

Yeah.

Well, relax and, and listeners, you know, don't get out of bed, it's a disaster area.

I'll just go and do it.

Uh, and right now, it's time for Song Wars.

It's time for song wars.

The war of the songs.

A couple of tunes by a couple of prongs.

Which will you vote for?

Which one is the best?

We're putting our songs to the listener test.

So check it out.

No, I haven't heard yours.

You haven't heard mine.

This is A Song Wars with Garth Jennings, who is my guest this week.

He's filling in for Joe, who is laid up with shingles.

It's a pirate disease.

Joe's a pirate and he's been in Los Angeles battling people with his cutlass and he contracted shingles on a raiding mission.

Mm-hmm.

So I really hope he's okay, and we're expecting to be back with him next week when we're in Glastonbury, of course.

But for Song Wars this week, Garth and I have composed an original tune which we're going to play for you, and of course, as usual, you listeners have to tell us which one you like best, and then next week at Glastonbury, we'll announce the winner.

So, we decided that the theme should be illness, right?

Because all this week I've had a cold, a summer cold, whatever you want to call it, it's just a cold, basically.

And you've been suffering from hay fever.

I get stupid hay fever.

It's really annoying.

In fact, you're talking about pirates there.

Earlier in the week, my eyes swell up with hay fever as well.

So I look really strange.

And for the first time in my whole life, just one of my eyes decided to swell up.

and the other one sort of went the other way.

Yeah.

So I remember turning around to my wife and she sort of jumped back a bit and she went, ooh, you've got a big eye!

Erm, yeah, and along with the running nose and all the other rashy, itchy bits.

Yeah, it's not been a particularly sexy week, that's for sure.

No, I felt rotten as well.

I felt really dreadful.

Well, we went to France last weekend, you see?

And we were seeing Radiohead out there in this outdoor arena.

I'll talk about that a bit later on.

But I think maybe I caught some, I don't know, sexy Radiohead virus.

And so I was feeling rough all week.

I'm feeling a lot better today.

Have you channeled that into your song?

Yes, I have.

Good.

Because I've channeled my hay fever, hopefully.

Yeah.

OK, let's flip a coin.

All right, go for it.

Call it.

This is calling it to go first.

Heads for first.

Do you want to go heads for first?

Heads it is.

Good gracious.

So, introduce your song for us.

Alright, my song's called Hay Fever, um, because I get it really badly, and, um, it really is based on the whole thing of waking up in the morning with your eyes glued shut.

That happens a lot with my hay fever.

Not a pretty thing, but I'm sure some of you out there share my, um, allergy.

And this is a song about that allergy.

Here we go.

This is Hay Fever.

That works for me It doesn't probably deserve it Even though I'm sweeping the stars

that's my song that's amazing man that's a bit of timberland production do you really do that you can't just wander in with a song like that that's ludicrously high quality now I should play you mine which is kind of a contrast and I thought this week I would really try and play all the instruments myself oh good one but rather that I'm which is what you did on your track but your sounds wicked mine sounds insane but I haven't used any guitars or anything that's just keyboard

Yeah, well you wait till you hear mine and this is what happens when you got a cold and you try and play your guitar badly.

Here's my song.

It started yesterday, there was a tickle in my throat, and I coughed.

But it didn't go away, and when I coughed again, I felt a small amount of pain ripple gently through the muscles in my limbs and chest.

I thought I know what's best, I'll drink a pint of echinacea, have a bath, and snort a line of vitamin C.

Oh how happy I will be I will chew the yummy orange pills And they will sort out all my chills Hey look at me, I'm eating Vitamin C I've eaten much too much oh dear And now I can't get off the lavatory I've got chills, they're multiplying

And now I'm losing the will to go to work.

I'll bone in sick, and they'll think that I'm just faking it.

And then I'll take some pills, and I'll climb into bed.

Look, I'm in bed.

It's the day for time in bed.

I'm going to catch up on some reading and some dolphin-worthy DVDs.

I've got tissues.

I've got mojo back issues.

When I get better I'm going to make some changes I'm never going to drink or smoke a single thing again I've got the flu and I want you to sympathise Just look into my eyes They're all streaming in red and I'm in bed And I can't get up cause my muscles hurt

And then it sort of fades out there.

it's brilliant that's my flu song well played by the way i was expecting something terrible the way you built it up well you know that was well done three chords okay so folks if you want to vote for uh garth's hay fever song or my uh flu song the email address as usual is adam and joe adam a n d joe dot six music at bbc.co.uk or you can text your vote on 64046 however if you are

listening again, then you can't.

And are you saying that they can't text?

Not really.

Not really for Song Wars?

Yeah.

Okay.

Ignore the texting.

It's only email votes for Song Wars, okay, listeners?

But you can text us if you want to just chat to us anyway about anything else.

Yeah.

64046.

We'll be back shortly.

Right now, it's time for the news.

That's the hives with walk, idiot, walk.

What's he got against people who walk?

Well, he wants him to walk rather than run.

He's saying, walk, idiot, walk.

Don't run across my garden.

Oh, I see.

He's like a teacher.

Yeah, he's a headmaster.

It's a song for teachers in the corridors.

Walk, idiot, walk.

Yeah, that would be great.

It'd be nice to have Howling Pele as your headmaster.

You get the job done.

Now, we just got a nice email through from someone who said that they've been enjoying my sausages video.

Yes, I'm glad you said video on the end of that on YouTube For those of you who don't know Garth actually helped me out with this video.

He directed it for me and It's a clip from this show me box that I did last year for BBC 3 Which is amazingly finally being shown like about seven months after I delivered the thing.

What is it being shown?

No, it's tonight

It's going out tomorrow night on BBC 3 at 11.45pm, which I'm very excited about.

It's the best slot I think they've had.

He is the best slot in the world.

It's always good for the kids, that slot.

It's a plum slot, you know.

It's the plump slot.

But I'm thinking, though, in this day and age when everyone's got hard disk recorders and things to get me, I won't have that.

But, you know, everyone's gonna see it.

Everyone time shifts, Garth.

You know, living in a little virtual bubble thing.

I've seen the show, obviously, because I helped out on bits of it, and I have to say to you, listener person, that it's brilliant.

It's actually the best thing I've seen in ages.

It's the best, apparently it's the best show ever made.

I know you can't like yourself, that's not allowed.

But I can like it and I really think it's the best thing ever.

So stay up really late, drink loads of coffee, whatever you need to do and watch this show man.

Have a me box party.

And you can see clips from it online right now if you go to YouTube and type in M-double-E-B-O-X.

Unfortunately there's a Japanese guy who's got the same handle.

me box really yeah but he just uploads loads of from clips of japanese bands and stuff and it's all in uh kanji's what's the writing called squiggly squiggly i don't know but ignore that guy go to the adam buxton me box i mean his clips may be very good i'm not impugning his got dirty clips i would look at them japanese you know that dirty clips on you on youtube no but there's no filth there's a lot of swearing there's a lot of violence but there's uh no totties

Right.

Because that's taking things a little bit too far.

It's too far.

It's much too far.

So yes, do check those out.

And also, of course, if you go on YouTube, you'll be able to see how the Song Wars video competition is progressing.

I haven't seen them yet, and I'm judging this with you a lot.

That's right.

Yeah.

Um, and you know what the deal is, right?

We've asked people to choose from one of two songs that are available on the Six Music website, Jane's Brain, which was by me and, uh, Joe's One about meatballs.

Yeah, that's right.

I remember those two.

And they're both short tracks, and we're just asking people to make videos.

It doesn't matter what kind of video.

They can be totally goofy or simple.

You do it on your camera phone.

You can hire a crew of 150 people, if you like, and, uh, you know, shoot something with Daniel Craig in it.

And that's almost certainly a win.

If you do that, you'll probably win.

And then upload the results to YouTube and we're going to take a look at them.

I think, when are we going to judge it?

in August, right.

So we're going to take a look at everything that's come in in August in the winter.

That'd be great.

We'll get to come in here.

Can you imagine?

Come in to the big British castle.

Yeah.

Get past all the lasers.

Oh, the security robots.

There are lizards down there.

Yeah.

There's that nice glass door that you get to walk through.

It sort of goes...

And you feel special coming through that.

And then there's another one after the glass door that goes... Then you walk through.

I used to have a shower in my mum and dad's house.

And when you open the door it'll go...

when you closed it, it'll go, hoo hoo.

And my sister and I, this is like 20 years ago, my sister and I, we'll still be like, there'll be a moment where we'll go, hoo hoo, just do the table.

Sorry, sorry to deviate that.

That's amazing.

So unfortunately you won't be able to hear that noise when you come to the big British castle, although we could engineer it so that we should just get you to record that.

and then it could be a quirky, quirky thing.

In the future, that's what it'll be like, you know, to give, to give doors more character.

Well, it was a very Douglas Adams thing, you know, there were doors with size you came through.

Of course.

Oh, I like that kind of thing.

That's right.

Just like, come on in.

Anyway, the point is, folks, you get to come in.

If you win our song wars competition, you get to come and sit in on the show.

We'll all hang out.

We'll have a big kind of

sexy party and it'll be the most amazing day of all of our lives.

So check out the videos that other people have made, because there's some good stuff up there already.

If you type in song wars on YouTube, you'll find them.

And I'll remind you about Me Box later in the show until you're physically sick, in fact.

No, no, you're going to love it.

It's great.

But right now, here's some more music.

Now, Garth, you were saying you haven't got the MGMT album yet.

No.

You're, you're, are you one of the squares?

I'm a super square.

Well, I'm just a very late, I get late to things, you know.

I haven't seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crusade of the Last Crystal Phase.

No, I don't think I'm ever going to, actually.

No, I've, actually, it's the only film I know, my friends, some of my friends who have a very high tolerance of bad movies actually left halfway through.

They?

Yeah, and they've seen everything.

They'll get excited about some of the worst films I've ever seen.

Yeah.

And they couldn't stomach it.

Jumper?

Did they love Jumper?

Yes.

Anyway, MGMT... Jumper.

Unusually for me, I've come to MGMT sort of on time and they're very good.

Well, a little bit late, but here's Electric Feel.

MGMT, they're so hot right now.

Well, it was nice.

I liked it.

That was very good, wasn't it?

Yeah.

There's a song note for you listeners.

That band are playing Glastonbury.

Listen to six music for Glastonbury coverage, okay?

That was the note.

And of course, we're gonna be there.

Garth, that's exciting.

I've never been to Glastonbury either.

I should never be.

No.

Oh my lordy.

Well... All my friends always go, but they indulge in the dark side of Glastonbury.

Dirty Glastonbury.

Yes, so I've always felt a little afraid to go with them.

Yeah.

It's not, I don't think it's really like that anymore.

No, I'm sure.

I'm sure it'd be great.

Have you heard my festival song?

No.

That we did for Song Wars.

We did festival songs for Song Wars a while back, and mine was kind of the posh festival song.

I think that's what Glastonbury's more like nowadays.

You know, it's still got some strange crusty people wandering around, but they're in a special enclosure.

Yes, you can go and have a look at them.

A look!

It's like being at a real festival.

Let's go back to the yurt.

Yes, yurts.

And do some yoga.

Everyone likes it.

What are yurts?

Yurts are like wigwams.

Are they like wigwams?

I think so.

They're like proper wigwams, aren't they?

Oh, but they're round.

But they're solid, right?

Yeah, and they have a little kitchen.

Okay.

You alien.

The thing is, it's really a tent.

Right.

You know, but it's called a yurt, so people feel good about that, don't they?

So, yes, exactly.

What they're doing is they're an organic tent.

They're indulging in the tent of another culture.

Yes, there's no greater thing to do than be a feeler little Nepalese.

Yes.

So we're going to go to Glass Run.

It's a weird

You wouldn't maybe wanna start your Glastonbury, uh, relationship this year, I would think.

Do you know what I mean?

Well... Like, not to damn it with faint praise or anything, or, or just to be plain rude about it, but it's a strange line-up this year.

I, I used to watch it.

I used to do a lot of coverage on the telly.

We did it a couple of years.

Yeah, I used to sit in my bed with a cup of tea and watch it all and think how brilliant it is to watch it from here.

Right, right.

It was terrific.

I remember seeing that radio head...

performance and that was the only time I thought actually sitting here isn't really as good as being there.

Yes.

Well they turned all the lights on the audience.

They were having a very bad gig then weren't they?

I thought it was amazing.

But I mean it was like a legendary gig and everyone loved it but the band themselves like they got fed up because all the sound was weird and I think Tom was having a little angry fit and I don't know.

But it looked good to me.

with my cup of tea.

Yeah, no, I'm excited about it, definitely.

We're gonna be going up on Thursday, and then we're gonna spend Friday wandering around the site with our tape recorder, getting bits of things for our show on Saturday, which we'll be doing live from the BBC enclosure at Glastonbury.

So if you are going to the festival, then look out for me and Dr. Sexy wandering around on Friday, because it'd be lovely to talk to you.

And, of course, MGMT will be there.

Maybe we'll get to meet the naughty man from MGMT.

Yeah.

Do you know if they've got a good reputation or not?

I read a thing in Word magazine about them, and they were sort of implying, I think, that because they're very young fellows, they're still in the phase of behaving slightly like garden tools.

Okay.

That sounds good.

You know what I mean?

You ask them a question and they won't give you a straight answer.

They sort of chuckle to themselves and give like a weird answer.

Ah, yes.

They're basically apt to entertain each other and subvert the world.

They're gonna do it.

But yeah, they may succeed.

Right now, here is the first of my free choices for you listeners.

This is a track by a band called Delacota.

Do you remember them?

No.

I'm pretty sure they've split up.

You've put them on a compilation CD in the past, I think.

They had a few hits and, and, uh, Noel Gallagher was a champion of theirs at the time.

This was in the, um, late nineties and Noel Gallagher is one of those people like Ricky Gervais.

You sort of stick his name on, on anything.

Yeah.

And it's like top seal of quality.

Yeah.

I don't think that's the case anymore with Gallagher.

Right.

And it's amazing to think that one day it won't be the case with Ricky Gervais.

I don't think that's going to happen.

Such is the cruel passage of taste and time.

But I remember Noel Gallagher saying this was one of his favorite singles of whichever year it came out, and I love it still.

Delicoto, The Rock.

Hi, this is the Adam and Joe show here on BBC Six Music.

Joe is away at the moment because he's got shingles.

It's halfway between a shiver and a tingle.

Yes.

And he's got it.

So he is away.

Poor old Joe.

I hope he's feeling a lot better and he says that he's going to be in shape to be back with us for our Glastonbury show next weekend.

But filling in for him this week, we're very very honoured indeed to have our good friend Garth Jennings.

Hello there.

Thanks for having me.

Very nice to have you here, man.

It's nice to be here.

Did you enjoy the pokes there?

I did.

I love that.

That's superb.

That was a good session tonight, wasn't it?

Yeah, I thought that was off a record.

No, that was recorded for Janis Long, Janis Longwave, back in 1985 on Radio 1.

Wow.

Radio 1?

Radio 1 was a different place back in them days, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Now it's all like, um, rapping.

It's all that fast rapping.

It's all Edith Bowman, happy slapping people.

what they do on there.

And swearing and all that.

They're allowed to swear on Radio 1.

Yeah, and fight.

They're allowed to swear and fight.

And they all carry knives and they're all... Binge drinkers.

All binge drinking, all the time on all the shows.

None of this is true.

None of it's true.

Yeah, announcement for idiots.

None of this is true.

Yes, trusty case.

I had a tune in actually, I thought, that sounds like a great radio station.

Sometimes the idiots get excited if you say things like that and they think, oh, I'm going to write to someone about that.

Because you said they were on drugs and carrying knives and that's not right.

So I'm going to write to someone.

But now I've taken away that pleasure from you.

I'm sorry, idiot.

I'll give you a, um, I'll give you something else to write about later on.

Almost certainly.

Now, very shortly, we are going to be launching Text the Nation.

And Jude, there's going to be some name dropping involved with the introduction to Text the Nation to put the anecdote in context.

So we need some name dropping sound effects.

And also, of course, when we talk about Radiohead a bit later on, the shows, you know, it's Victoria Park coming up.

Well, I mean, I'm allowed to say radiohead, you know, I mean I I happen to have a personal relationship with them Now cribs, what's the crib situation this cribs?

I've never heard of cribs.

How's this happened?

Who are cribs?

they're massive I thought it was just a show on MTV didn't they have an album saying called old fellas or the the new fellas the old toggers something like that is it I don't know you remember we had that name for our band when all my stag do when we did that yeah we were called the old fellas we were called I'm sure the cribs Nick my band's name yeah the cribs I'm obviously getting confused are they like the pigeon detectives

A bear?

Yeah.

They're brothers, three brothers.

They're brothers.

Harmons.

And they live... Right.

And the harmons.

Okay, so they live in a crib and this is called... Of course, we've played Men's Needs before and they go...

and it's wicked let's hear it there you go of course sorry I just had a little blank there of course I know the cribs that's a great song yeah his whole head has to flip backwards to do that note that's right like the guy with the flip top head the the toothbrush guy

Yeah, and Pez.

They're right.

Mez!

Cribs.

Pez dispensers.

Would be ideal and if they could fix them so they actually said, Mez!

Yeah.

When they flipped back.

And you got a little sweet at the same time.

That would be sweet.

Sweet.

Okay, it's time to play the jingle.

Text the nation!

Text, text, text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Ah, can't.

Nice to hear someone enjoying.

Joe just groans now every time.

I love that jingle.

Um, okay, so...

Text the nation this week.

It's the nation's favorite feature.

If you've never heard the show before this is the part of the show We invented this brand new feature.

It's incredible.

It's won a lot of awards and It's revolutionary.

What we do is we think of a subject and then we ask people to text or email Their responses to it that's amazing.

No wonder you want to but here's the thing that we won a lot of awards for then we read them out and

and that's because you've always got to have one little extra thing there to make an idea truly great and that was the thing that we added which no one else has done before I believe now this week we are talking about well let me put this in context for you

As I was saying earlier, I was at a Radiohead show on the weekend.

Where was the show, Adam?

The show was in France, which is a part of the world that isn't England.

And it's a really amazing place, and the show was in a place called Nimes, in southern France, and it was in this beautiful amphitheatre.

Oh, my lordy!

And the ladies in the house... It's a whole other subject that I actually want to talk to you about.

The ladies in the amphitheatre?

Radiohead lady fans.

Oh gosh.

I've got something I need to get off my chest about that later on.

But I was, because you and I, Garth Jennings, did some work for Radiohead last year.

We helped them with their webcasts when they were celebrating the release of In Rainbows.

And so, because of that, as a thank you, they've given us these passes so we can go to some of their shows for their tour.

Yes.

So I was at the show and afterwards I got to, uh, wheedle into the backstage party VIP bit, right?

Right.

Uh, standing next to Natasha Khan from Backflashes.

And she was cooing over a little cat.

And I joined in and I said, yes, it is sweet.

I love you.

But she had a cat backstage.

There was a cat wandering around and she would say, oh, look, a cat.

And I was going, yes, look, I love the cat.

I love you, too.

She walked away.

Look, I've caught the cat.

I've got the cat for you, Natasha.

What do you want me to do with it?

I love you.

And then, of course, various members of the band came out.

No sign of Tom.

I think he was having a shiatsu mathage session.

Right.

Because, man, I don't know if you've seen them, listeners, on this current tour.

He jumps around the stage like a nutcase.

I think they are having a good time, by the sounds of it.

I haven't seen it yet.

I'm going next week.

Because a lot of that, they're playing a lot of kind of dancey stuff.

Right.

Mixed in with all the classic Benz and OK Computer style hits.

And it's a really kind of dancey show, it's amazing.

And Tom York is bouncing around the stage like nobody's business, so I'm sure he needs a lot of massaging after that.

Little bit of healing.

Yeah, but Colin Greenwood, the bassist, he just, he mellows out and he rocks back and forth, so he doesn't go quite so nutty.

And I saw Colin after...

much.

We were talking about stuff and Colin suddenly said, hey, you know what I've been meaning to tell you?

I've got a really good idea for a Bond film.

I think we're talking about Daniel Craig or something.

And he said, I've got the best idea for a new Bond villain, because that's all you need.

To make a great Bond film, you need like the ultimate Bond villain.

And he said, I've got the best idea.

You have like a rock star, right?

Yeah.

Someone like Bono.

And he wouldn't be the villain.

You don't have to name drop that.

I'm not saying that I've met Bono.

But you have someone like Bono, right?

An evil, you know, Mickey Spangle.

And he's in the Spanglers and they're the biggest band on the planet.

And so he goes out and he's meeting Kofi Annan and all these people.

The Pope?

Exactly, he's meeting the Pope.

He's got all the connections, right?

A massive big rockstar like Bano has got all... That's the thing, they'd only change it slightly.

Yeah.

So you'd go, I know who that is, I know who they're getting at.

Yeah, Bonox.

Are you allowed to say that?

He'd be good, though.

So he's called Bonox, and he's got fingers in all the pies, right?

Yeah.

But he's not using his rock power for good.

He's using it for evil.

He wants to take over the planet.

Yes.

I just think that is the best idea for a Bond villain I have heard.

It's a great idea.

And you can imagine the gig filled with all the, you know, the flashing images.

Yeah.

Hypnotizing the people.

I mean, it works on so many levels.

The challenge, as Colin was saying, is to

do it so that you've got a good music.

You know, it would all hang or it would all rise and fall on- on how good the- the music and the rock star is.

But also with the Bond villain, he's gotta have a goal.

Like, what's he actually after?

Is it revenge?

Well, it's always world domination, isn't it?

Yeah, but, uh, I guess it is, yes.

I mean, it'll be- now maybe there would be some kind of psych- psychological angle to it, so he was rejected by Simon Cowell at a young age.

and now he wants to kill everyone on the planet.

Yeah.

To get back at Simon Cowell or something like that.

Also you've got the potential there for good chases and a great set piece on on a live stage in front of loads of people.

Exactly.

A chase in a gig, a great big Wembley style massive arena when he's gonna laser the lot of everyone there and there's some chasing.

That's right.

The lasers turn out to be real.

People are putting their hands up to touch the lasers, and their fingertips are coming off.

Disastrous.

Good times.

So, I mean, there's more to be said about that particular Bond villain, but thank you very much, Colin, for that idea.

And we text the nation this week, though, folks, is, um, more Bond villains.

We want your ideas for more Bond villains.

We're going to play some music, and then Garth is going to tell us about some of his ideas.

Ooh, I'd better think more.

But if you'd like to speculate, if you would like to send us some of your ideas for new Bond villains, uh, the text number is 64046, or you can email us your ideas.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Get texting or emailing right now.

Um, and here's another band.

that I'm only just familiar with.

Are the band called Paris Is Burning or are they called Lady Hawk?

Lady Hawk.

They're called Lady, so they're naming bands after quite bad films from the 80s now.

Has anyone done a band called Kroll yet?

It's only a matter of time.

It's only a matter, I bet there is one.

Here's Paris Is Burning.

Paris Is Burning by Lady Hawk.

I wonder if, is that about Paris Hilton?

No.

This is the Adam and Jo program here on BBC Six Music.

If you've just tuned in, Jo is away sick.

He's got the shingles and he's gonna be back with us next weekend when we're in Glastonbury, but filling in for him is Garth Jennings.

Hello there.

Yes, I'm sitting in for poor old Jo.

Garth Jennings, of course, top pop video director and most recently director of Son of Rambo.

Yes, I did that.

Out on DVD soon, surely.

Uh, it's out on the 28th of July, but I'm not here to plug that.

No, no, no, absolutely.

It just occurred to me, though.

It is, it is, it's kind of weird when it comes out on DVD, because you start thinking, that's it?

Right.

That's sort of the end of the line.

It's all over.

Which isn't a bad thing, actually.

It's been eight years.

It's not the end of the line.

It's the beginning, man.

It has a life there, as part of the canon.

It's true.

of, uh, great art.

But right now, uh, we are in the midst of Text the Nation, and we are asking you for your ideas for new Bond villains.

I tell you what, actually, you just mentioned Paris Hilton.

She wouldn't be a bad kind of Bond villain, sort of celebrity heiress.

Well, the obvious thing with her would be to have her as one of, uh, Daniel Craig's kind of hangers-on in, in some casino.

Yep.

Or she would be one of the, um, floozies of the villain.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

Because she's not really got the mental equipment to deal with world domination.

But that's probably why that would give her the edge, you see.

Because she's so angry at being stupid.

Yes.

And she thinks, right, I want to make everyone stupid with my giant laser.

With my thick ray.

Or this, yeah.

You know, that's why she has so many parties because there's a glitter ball and you can radiate stuff off the glitter ball.

I don't know.

But I was thinking the same, along the same lines as your, um, you know, as, as Colin's, uh, Bono idea.

Yeah.

Cause it's hard to beat, let's face it.

Well, yeah, cause I was thinking David Blaine.

David Blaine type character, cause I can't stand David Blaine.

I mean, I know most people like him and he's great for a lot of people.

He drives me mental.

Yeah.

In his little box.

I can't breathe.

You know, um, but I can breathe and, oh, is it a trick?

And, oh, someone like that would, um, I think would make a good bonfire.

You're just jealous.

You're one of these people who are infuriated by people who can do things you can't.

They could stand on one leg for three weeks.

No, it just, it just, I don't mind him doing the tricks, it's the how seriously he tapes himself.

and cries a lot, I made it.

Be like, yeah, well, get out of there, you poor box.

If he didn't do that, if he, if, you know, he's got to take the things seriously, otherwise no one is going to take them seriously, you know what I mean?

So he's got to take them as seriously as it's possible.

My favourite thing ever was somebody in England, when he hung himself off a bridge in England or did something in a box.

Oh yes, in the prospect's box.

And anywhere else in the world, in America, they would have gathered round and taken pictures and all that sort of stuff.

In England, somebody took a barbecue and started cooking bacon underneath it.

just to annoy him because it's the best smell in the world.

I always thought that was a great idea.

But then I had J.K.

Rowling, a sort of children's author of unbelievable success, uh, writing books, changing people's minds, and then I ran out of really, uh, pitch ideas on that.

What, J.K.

Rowling is a Bond villain.

Yes, not as somebody to annoy David Blaine, but as a kind of, you know, somebody in a great deal of power that could misuse it.

Absolutely.

Well, I was thinking that the key ingredients for a good Bond villain are, obviously, as you say, they have to be in a position of power.

But also, it has to be a position where people feel a natural kind of antipathy for that job, you know what I mean?

So in the past... Yeah.

Who was it, um, uh, Jonathan Price played the guy in- Yes, like a sort of Murdoch character.

Yeah, he- he- exactly.

He was a big press baron, uh, in Tomorrow Never Dies.

Do you remember him- the thing about that that annoyed me was when he used to type on that remote control keyboard, and he'd just have it in his hand and he'd be looking at Bond and going,

with his right hand.

All his screens would change.

His arm mounted blackberry.

I've had my blackberry melded to my arm because I'm powerful and insane.

Now I've got an iPod in my forehead.

Of course there are other MP3 players available.

Um, and, uh, what are the other ones?

Well, I was thinking, well, no, you're right there, and there's also something kind of current about them.

What did, um, Robert Carlyle do?

What was his job in that one?

Oh, didn't he have some diamonds in his face?

No, no, that's the other guy.

He had a bullet in his head.

What was his job, though?

He was a Bolshevik.

He was a big powerful Bolshevik.

How did he have the wherewithal to do all the world conquering?

Like, had he worked his way up through the Bolsheviks into, uh, executive Bolshevism?

I don't know.

And got a really high power.

That was definitely still the generation of those films, though, where you didn't really care what the thing was.

No.

You were just waiting for the next big explosion.

Exactly.

Whereas now, I think, I mean, they, they, the Jonathan Price one was pretty good, I thought.

I, I liked those films.

As a good movie.

The last few, um, what's his name?

Piers Brosnan films were great.

And I liked Casino Royale.

I thought it was fantastic.

Yeah.

And, um, my only, uh, last one I had was, you know, these sort of internet barons.

Mmm.

It's similar to that, really, what you're saying.

Like those two nerds from YouTube.

Yeah, I was thinking, but, uh, you know, you, you see it on the news, like, a fifteen year old has set up a website.

Right.

I love the idea of Bon going up against a kid.

That's incredible.

Um, and I started thinking, oh, like a stage school kid, he could be good like he won, he didn't win.

you know, have I got, you know, Oliver for you.

Yeah, absolutely.

And, um, uh, or, or an internet kid who's, who's invented a website, but he's really secretly, he's doing nasty things with it.

That's a very good idea.

And Danny Craig bursts into his room and tears all his emo posters off the wall.

Yes.

Start kicking seven shades of crapola out of him.

Yeah.

That's a very good idea.

Um, I was thinking maybe like an art world villain.

a sort of Tracey Emin type figure.

Oh good.

Do you know what I mean?

Believing her stinky pants on the floor.

Exactly, covering the world with her filthy linen.

I like Tracey Emin, I think she's an entertaining provocateur and a talented, uh, uh, slightly wonky woman and...

You know, I like that kind of thing anyway.

That's a great review.

But it sounds like some of my reviews.

You know, you could have a real evil type of art figure.

Yeah.

Anyway, we want to hear your ideas, folks.

We're going to be reading out some of the texts and emails that we've got shortly.

But right now, what is this?

Oh, this is one of my free plays.

Ah, yeah.

I'm not going to say anything more about this than introduce it in its lamb chop and the song was called Is a Woman.

Now that is not is a woman.

What is this?

I have been jinxed by some... This is by no means by landfill.

This is like, this is like standing in a lift in a hotel somewhere.

I don't know who this is and I can only apologize listener that... Sometimes... Something's going wrong with my freeways.

Sometimes the BBC box gets a little confused.

So we're going to play my one instead and we'll, we'll dig Lamb Shop out of the box because Lamb Shop, that is a wonderful track by Lamb Shop.

So we'll, we'll find it for you listeners.

Right now, here's one of my free plays.

This is Brendan Benson.

This is before he got together with Jack White in the rack on tours.

And I, I think I'm right in saying that he co-wrote this with the wonderful Jason Faulkner, who used to be in Jellyfish and is a great artist in his own right.

And it's a track called Good to Me by Brendan Benson.

Nice.

That's Brendan Benson with Good to Me.

You're listening to BBC Six Music.

It's a slightly grey Saturday morning here and apparently it's going to be slightly rubbish weather over the weekend.

If my dad were here, he'd say, don't worry, it's all going to burn off.

Yeah, that's one of my favorite faces.

Wear your shorts.

You'll thank me later.

That's what he used to say.

As you're standing in the driving rain.

Thank you, Father.

It'll burn off.

You mark my words.

You wait.

This afternoon, it'll be glorious out there.

Apparently it's not going to burn off.

Apparently it's going to be rubbish all weekend, but there's slightly better next weekend.

Thanks very much, Al Gore!

Thanks!

Thanks for ruining the climate!

I was just thinking, because yesterday there was, like, spits and spots of sunshine.

Or maybe the day before.

And I was sat out in the garden.

I thought, I'm gonna have my lunch in that garden!

And I said it in exactly that way as to myself.

And I walked out with my lunch and I had a nice little bit of salmon.

Ooh.

Bit of boiled salmon there, boiled it all up.

And had some, uh, broccoli.

I love broccoli.

Yes.

And had some carrots there as well and I put them all on a plate and I carried them out into the garden and, uh, popped it on the table.

And I thought, I've got nothing to read!

I can't stay out in the garden with my salmon and my broccoli, nothing to read!

So I went in, grabbed my copy of, um, Mojo Mag or whatever and, uh, came out.

And there was flies sat on the salmon and the broccoli.

Three large black flies.

Laughing at you.

I don't know what they were doing.

They were having some... You've got your large... Having a fly party there.

And the thing is, I'd taken about a minute to locate my mag inside.

So by the time I got out there, the flies had been having a fly party for a good 60 seconds, right?

Yes.

So I thought, well, this is revolting now, because they could have done all sorts of fly pop all over the...

Yeah.

So I don't want to have to eat that because then, I don't know, I'll die or flies will grow inside me.

Shingles.

Or I'll get shingles.

Or that kind of thing.

What would you do in that?

Would you just shoo them away and not worry?

I'd shoo them away and if I could see anything, if they'd sort of drop dirt on it.

Can't see visual fly pops though.

Exactly, I'd just eat it.

You would just eat it?

Yeah, I would.

I mean, obviously, things are worse for, um, people in certain third world countries, I would imagine.

But for Dr. Buckles.

I think I know where Dr. Buckles is going with this.

For Dr. Buckles, 60 seconds of fly action on my salmon was too much.

So I carried it back into the house and I hosed it down under the tap, the whole plate.

I just ran the whole plate under the tap all over my broccoli and carrots and salmon.

And I had to hold everything in place so it didn't just swish off down the, uh, plug hole.

And then I sort of felt better about it, but you know, it ruined the meal.

What do you think about it, though?

Germs are everywhere.

Are they?

I reckon, you know, with your magazine, by the way, with your magazine in the toilet, where most of your music magazines are.

Maybe.

Because you might find there's more germs on your magazine than it is on your seven.

That's a good point, isn't it?

Yeah.

And the minute you start going that way with your brain, the whole world becomes terrifying.

That is true.

Speaking of the whole world becoming terrifying, it's 10.30, and time for the news.

on digital radio and online BBC 6 music.

I actually run most of my household appliances off anger.

It's a very efficient form of energy.

You just plug straight into that record and the whole house lights up.

Yeah, it's good.

I mean, it doesn't, it doesn't power things for that long.

Like you get a very bright, um, light for about five minutes and then it, and then it sort of fades out.

and it's not so it's good for things like toast but you have to have the right level otherwise you're gonna burn exactly you know if you're planning a whole evening of football watching if you love the footy and the kicking you can't really you wouldn't really want to run your TV on anger for misery

A little misery could keep it going.

Misery would probably work.

Yeah.

It would work absolutely fine.

It keeps level.

A bit of Morrissey could be fine.

Yeah.

Um, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Joe's away, of course, listeners.

Sorry, I should stop saying this is Adam and Joe, because technically it's not true.

But it's the Adam and Joe slot.

It's the Adam and Joe show with, uh, Garth Jennings.

That's me standing in for Joe, because he's got shingles, of course.

He's got shingles.

He's shingling.

Once you pop, you can't stop.

Fingrels, you know?

Yeah, it's good work.

Thanks very much.

Thanks very much, Nick.

Terrific.

So, I was saying earlier on that I've got the show Meebox coming out tomorrow.

It's on BBC 3, tomorrow night, Sunday night at 11.45pm.

If you miss it, of course, you can catch it on iPlayer throughout the week, and then I think they'll repeat it on Thursday next week.

Guess what slot I've got then?

What slot?

130 in the morning.

Wonderful!

It's the best slot.

It's an exciting, edgy slot.

It's the plumber's slot.

And tell you what though, I am the... I am a viewer of this.

I've seen this show and it's brilliant.

Thanks.

And I'm not just saying that because I'm on your radio show.

I've been telling everyone.

Yeah.

Even my mum.

Thanks a lot.

Watch it.

And they're going to.

It's fantastic.

You know, because the NABOBs at the Big British Castle are looking out for the buzz.

Because, I mean, it's... Let's face facts.

At that hour, on BBC3, it's not going to get massive ratings.

But they're looking out for the buzz.

They want to know the buzz.

The buzz?

You know?

And if they feel or sense any buzz,

They're gonna reward me with a big gold house!

And that's what it's all about.

Adam's wanted a gold house now for so many years.

It would be unfair to deprive him of this.

It is my dream to one day live in a gold house.

But what I was gonna say is that I'm doing a certain amount of promotion, obviously.

This is promotion right here, shameless, as such.

And I'm also going on other people's shows to try and get people to watch the program.

Right.

Um, sometimes it's, it's easy to do.

Sometimes, you know, people are obliging.

I'm going on Richard and Judy's show on Monday.

But they like you cause they've had you on for some of your weird clips already, hasn't they?

They're down with the whole program, R and J. I did a sh- I did a clip with the You Say We Pay thing, which you can see on YouTube.

And, uh, Richard and Judy invited me on the show to play it, you know?

They are grooving and they wear roller skates, is what I'm saying.

They're fantastic.

But other shows are more difficult to wheedle your way in on, like Jonathan Ross.

He's got a busy- The radio show?

Yeah, the radio show.

There's no question of me getting on the TV show, but the radio show, he, um, you know, he's got, like, a full roster this week.

But his producer, Fiona, very kindly said, if I turn up there after this show, if I go up a couple of floors in the big British castle and sort of glom around outside his studio, then if they've got any time, they might let me into the studio just to plug my show.

It's a little bit humiliating.

Right.

But I don't really care.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I go up there and I have to watch David Hasselhoff or whoever he's got up there.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know getting insulted by Jonathan for you've lost weight or You know if I did get on the show, right?

First thing I bet you he'd say cool you put on white you put on white you put on a bit away, haven't you?

You're looking very old.

You've got older Since I lost so you've been tempted by the same six.

That's normally what I hear when I do

He's a genius, but I bet you if I make it on there he that's exactly what he'll say Yeah, but so yeah, I'm gonna try and get on there.

Do you think that's too humiliating?

What's the most humiliating thing you've done in the name of promotion?

Oh, I've done too much of it.

In fact, after I was last on here, we had to go and do a whole press tour around America.

Right.

And it was very, uh, sort of silly tour.

And you find yourself in the most terrible place.

I found myself in a high school, uh, uh, and I hadn't questioned why we were going there.

I was just going to everything that they were telling us to go there.

Where abouts in America was this?

I think it was somewhere in Texas.

Yeah.

And, um, and you turn up and you immediately get the creeps because it looks like all those schools where they go mad.

And, uh, and you go in and the poor kids hadn't, I thought they'd seen the film and that we were going in to discuss it with their film.

This was for Son of Rambo.

For Son of Rambo.

I'm sorry, yes, we were doing a promotion tour for this film in America.

Ah, that lot of good that did.

I'll tell you all about that in a minute.

But then, complete waste of time.

I can't stop laughing now.

Anyway, we turned up at this high school and all these kids are looking at us and I said, so have you seen the film?

And they said, no.

Er, and so we had to sort of wing it for about an hour in there just discussing sort of... Films.

Films and how we got into it and they just weren't interested and I was thinking why would you be interested?

And the poor teacher was going, oh that sounds exciting, tell us about... Tell us about England!

Yes!

do you know it really was like that kind of thing and you say oh well this is how we got oh it was just excruciating that and a breakfast television show in in Austin in Austin i think it was no atlanta this guy with this orange face going uh right now we got a couple of guys from the uk uh they coming in from the uk

and we would sit there and he'd interview us in this sort of like pretend house and then but waiting to come on after us was a crocodile, a monkey and a raccoon and real ones and this guy and all you could see was him going a couple of critters loose in the studio any minute and they just weren't interested in this at all they were just so excited about the monkey and the raccoon and the crocodile and things like that you find yourself just in stupid places doing stupid rubbish things.

What was the crocodile monkey and raccoon film called?

Uh, no, it wasn't a film, they were actually real creatures in the studio.

Hadn't even made a film!

No, no, they were just saying, you know, isn't it crazy?

Maybe they're having an animal's day, you know, in the city.

Something like that.

You never know, you just wind up with really weird things.

Can you guess what you gotta do to spread the word?

Anyway, so that's what I'm going to be doing afterwards is cow towing to Jonathan.

Right now, here is some weezer for you.

We were talking about this track earlier on.

This is the one where he... Is it a tribute or a diss to Timberland?

What do you say?

It's a very clever diss.

This is pork and beans from weezer.

Well done, that's Weezer with pork and beans, and of course we're saying that's the video on there, uh, is all the kind of the tribute to all the YouTube, the big virals on YouTube.

Uh, you've seen the video, right?

Yeah, they've got everything that was ever a hit on YouTube and put it into one video, but for real, they've actually got the people, haven't they?

Right, they've gone and got Tay Zonday who did, uh, chocolate rain.

They've got him singing the lyrics and everything like that.

That useless karate chap who keeps falling over.

Yeah, and the Numa Numa man.

I never understood that one.

Don't understand that one.

And the, and the, and the stressed out, uh, hamster, the sort of scary, threatening hamster.

Yes.

Uh, and the, the, um, Mentos and Coke guy?

Yeah.

Uh, never really understood that one either.

Well, it's just an experiment.

It's an experiment.

Yeah.

It's a fun experiment.

Oh, yeah.

But it's used to great effect in the video.

It's a really entertaining video.

Anyway, uh, we are in the middle of Texanation right now, ladies and gentlemen.

We're asking you for your ideas for new Bond villains.

And, uh, shall we play the jingle?

Oh, yeah.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

It's like having a little child in the studio.

My wife hates it when I just laugh at everything you say.

So don't you sound like a lemon.

It's nice, it's nice.

Joe usually sits there scowling at me and making faces.

I just, it's your voice in that middle bit.

It doesn't matter, text.

Uh, so, we got some great ideas coming in here.

Thank you very much to everyone who's texting the- and emailing.

Uh, we do get so many that if we don't read yours out, it's- it's not a personal thing and we don't wanna physical fight with you.

Uh, but we really appreciate all the messages that we get.

Here's one from Daniel in Blackpool.

He says, um, from the off, I can't think of a villain, but how about a henchman?

Which is a good idea as well.

You can- a henchman are allowed because they- He's the king of the henchman.

Yeah.

And who were those two slightly effeminate chaps who, um, were in- Oh, big cook, little cook.

They were very similar.

What were they called?

They were deadly.

They were a bit like Penn and Teller.

One was small and good creep-

Little Cook would be excellent henchmen in a Bond film.

That's a very good idea.

I'm sorry to my children if you're listening.

Are they still obsessed with Big Cook or Little Cook?

They still go down well in our house.

People love it, man.

You know, those two guys stand up comedians.

In fact, I think they host a show on maybe NUTS TV or something.

Oh, really?

Oh, they do stuff outside of that show?

Yeah, but they do grown up saucy stuff.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That would be weird for me to see.

I don't like it when people do that.

I think you stick to one thing, man.

If you're gonna do kids TV and they do a great job doing it, then you do that.

You're not allowed to swear and be weird and talk about women's totties and stuff like that.

Not having it.

Uh, so Daniel in Blackpool says, I can't think of a villain, but how about a henchman?

My idea is for an eight-year-old orphan boy who performs complex and amazing stunts on a BMX bike to attack 007.

His name, and this is the key bit, is Trick Nuts.

Send in trick nuts.

Okay, bye.

He's got a tool like that, hasn't he?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Daniel, thank you very much.

That's an excellent idea.

Uh, here, a few people, of course, have suggested Alan Sugar, uh, as being a Bond villain.

Did you watch, um, The Apprentice, Garth?

No, you see, I have a thing about The Apprentice.

What's the problem?

Well, I used to work, uh, as a teenager, there was a clothes shop up the road, I used to work in there, and I grew up in Essex, I'm an Essex boy, and Alan Sugar would come in with his naughty sons, and it was always when the boss of the shop had gone out, and he'd load up the table with all the shirts, matineeq, you know, all new man, and all that sort of stuff, and then he'd say, uh, the owner of the shop normally gives me about 20% discount, and I'd go, I'm sorry, I can't do the discounts unless he's here.

He'd give me a hard time.

And I remember thinking, I don't like you, Amstrad man.

And then, actually, that's not why I don't watch the show.

I'm sure he's good fun.

Can you believe it?

That's how you get rich and successful, man, is you just are a pain in the bottom all the time.

Yeah.

A haggle with everyone.

I remember thinking, wow, he's really, he's, he's good at this because I'm weak and I'm starting to sweat.

Did you stand up to him though?

Do you give him the discount?

I couldn't give him the discount, but I would just have that awful, you know, it's like that computer says, no, I was just, I just went into that mode.

So I can't, I'm sorry, I can't.

So I can't, so I can't announce Neil's here.

Well, um, Ben Lacy, who was listening with his wife in Palmer's Green, suggested Alan Sugar.

Thanks for that.

And also, uh, who is this down here?

What about Alan Sugar?

I'm just trying to see who this is from.

It doesn't actually say... What about Alan Sugar as a Bond villain?

You're fired!

Of course he would say, because that's...

what Alan Sugar says.

And then, you know, he would be lowered down into a shark pool under the Amstrad office.

And, of course, he's got sidekicks already.

Very effective sidekicks.

That's true.

So he's got his henchmen in place and everything.

And I like the... Everyone likes the idea of Daniel Craig just beating Alan Sugar.

Yeah.

Badly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, giving him a bad beat.

And then, of course, saying at the end, no, you're fired.

Yeah, exactly.

Or just pointing his finger.

There you go.

It's all about the... Like, somebody wrote a thing about somebody with, um...

be turning out to be a gorilla and then bond saying Your bananas that's rubbish exactly, but I just you know I mean that might that's kind of thing might float in an Arnold Schwarzenegger film That's true, but not for bond bond that he does a better class of pun these days good I was just thinking with Alan sugar when he points his finger

I could have a little bit, the tip of the finger could raise up and he's got like a little laser.

You know what, they did that in the posters didn't they?

They had it in the posters like it was a smoking gun, that finger.

There you go.

And he would actually do that.

That's the thing, no one knows how he's shooting people but he says, you're fired, bang!

That's an excellent idea.

Yeah, I've got one here.

It's, I don't know who it's, oh it's Graham from Inverness.

Bond's own love child.

Years of putting it about, come back tenfold to haunt 007 in the form of an evil teenager.

That's a brilliant idea.

It is a good one, isn't it?

You've never loved me!

That's a genius actor.

He's an opera singer as well now.

He's a West End musical.

No, but that makes total sense because of course all those years of unprotected, you know, fun he was having with all the dirty agents.

Yes.

What's that film called?

The Lady Agents?

Let's just come out about the... Lady Agents?

Yeah, have you not seen the posters?

No, you're lying.

With all... Lady Agents.

Beautiful.

It's called something like The Lady Agents.

Really?

Yeah.

Or The Sexy Agents or the...

the female agents that's that's technically females are ladies though right i mean i think they should have called it the lady agents but there you go maybe it would have sounded more like a kind of feminine hygiene product but it looks like a good film no i'm all for that well done graven in venice here's one more before we play some more music we'll read out some more of these later on this is from paul armstrong in norwich yo yo yo norwich keep it real he hasn't written that i'm just saying that to all my peeps and not

My idea for a Bond villain is an amazing chess grand master.

Good idea.

Who is a master strategist, you see?

Brilliant.

And he uses his strategism skills to kill all the horses?

Oh, I see.

Kill all horses, knock down castles, and defrock all bishops.

So it's all chess-based violence that he's meeting out here.

Oh, I see.

You know, any kind of chess-based dastardly deeds is what this guy would be into.

And we would definitely have a tense chess scene between the white bishop and Bond.

The white bishop would be the name of the villain, you see, says Paul.

And just like, it would be just like the poker bit in Casino Royale, very tense chess off.

And there'd be lots of- That's what they could call the film.

Chess Off.

Tense Chess Off.

Yes.

Or Checkmate.

Well, maybe Exact Checkmate is nice.

Maybe the guy's name could be Chess Off.

Yes.

Vladimir Chess Off.

Or Check.

And you'd go, oi, Checkmate.

No, it doesn't quite work.

I'll work on that one.

I'll come back to you.

You film the Czech Republic.

Yes.

And of course it says, Paul, there's lots of scope for Bond puns.

Perhaps not including, he should have spent more time watching his porn.

Or I certainly bash the bishop.

No, they wouldn't have that one.

That's terrible.

That's a disgrace.

But thank you very much for that one Paul.

Right now folks, here's some music for you.

I've chosen this.

This is a band.

I would say they are maybe one of the most maligned bands in the rock pantheon.

It doesn't get better than this band.

I'm talking about the Electric Light Orchestra and for many they are a byword for sort of

just crappy music.

But I heartily disagree.

They're amazing.

And they are great.

Especially this one.

This is well chosen.

Well, this is a weird, interesting case in point, because it's Living Thing by ELO.

And it's like the perfect song.

But I would say that maybe the chorus is a little rubbish, or maybe if you... Oh no, it's not.

If you substituted the lyrics Living Thing for something else.

The living thing is a little bit naffed, you know?

Well, I never questioned it till now.

But this is nitpicking.

But what an intro.

This is how you start a record.

Yeah, let's hear it.

That's Neon Neon, a.k.a.

Gruffery's from Super Furry Animals, and that track is called I Told Her on Alderaan, which is of course Princess Leia's home planet, as Garth pointed out.

Yes.

Yeah, which gets blown up by Governor Tuck.

I recognized your foul stench.

Peter Cushing.

I mean, he's one of the great villains, of course, we're talking about.

You couldn't do CGI with that guy.

We're gonna read some more of your texts, uh, shortly.

Keep them coming in on the subject of Bond Villains, which is our Text the Nation subject.

This week we've got some very good ones coming in.

Brilliant.

And someone has just sent a message saying that apparently Lou Reed is on Jonathan Ross's show.

I mean, I probably shouldn't say that.

Don't turn over.

Don't want people turning over.

He's not talking or anything.

He's just there.

You can do Listen Again for Jonathan's show.

Listen to us live and listen again for Jonathan.

But that would be pretty wild if I bumped into Grumpy Lou Reed, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

I mean, he's got to be one of the scariest figures in rock.

Especially if you go in there really happy.

Hey!

What do you think he's gonna make of Jonathan?

I wonder if they've met before.

Umm... Hasn't Jonathan met everyone now?

He probably has.

Yes.

I w- cause you don't know with someone like Lou Reed he might find Jonathan extremely funny or he might just decide I'm not having this.

Does he still wear those flip-up sunglasses?

He's looking very good at the moment.

Yes.

Yeah, he's because he went through a phase in the 80s of looking like an absolute lunatic and he had a kind of big mad afro and Stupid big aviator shades and he wore kind of last-grade American whale that song I remember that time he was wearing those right some and you're like, what are you talking about?

No, I remember

That was one of the good songs though, do you remember?

Yeah.

My red joystick.

All I'm asking you to leave me is my red joystick.

That's good stuff.

That was one of his barrel-scraping numbers.

But no, he looks amazing at the moment.

I guess he's in town to promote these Berlin concerts he's doing.

Like he's playing the whole of his album Berlin.

Right.

Apparently it's amazing.

He's been doing it around the world and it's supposed to be good, so... Is Danger Mouse working on that one?

Surely.

Yeah.

You would think so.

Maybe Penfold.

If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T- If T

Oh, Texas Midnight Runners.

From, no.

That's Kevin Rowland.

Oh, yeah.

Kevin Bishop is one for the... I was just my mum for a second there.

For our younger audience who watch Star Stories.

He's one of the stars of Channel 4's successful Star Stories.

He's very talented.

Anyway, he's a nice guy and I worked with him a long time ago and he was doing this filming job out in Spain and he went to this festival called Benica Seem there.

And he was telling me all about it.

He said it was amazing.

I was in the backstage area and I ran into Lou Reed who was playing at Benny Cassine that year.

And he said, and Lou Reed had seen the show that we did together, which was called The Last Chances.

It was about a terrible band in Brighton.

And Kevin Bishop said, yeah, Lou Reed had seen The Last Chances.

What are the, you know, can you believe it?

And I was like, no, how would he see The Last Chances?

He said, oh, you know, he saw it on DVD or something, the BBC sent him a copy and he saw it and he said he loved it.

He said it was one of the best things he'd ever seen.

And he said, you've absolutely captured what it's like being in a band.

I was like, you are joking.

This is amazing.

I was on a high for like months until I bumped into Kevin Bishop again.

And I was like, I still can't believe about Lou Reed.

And he's like, oh, man, I was just winding you up.

Oh, no!

Of course Lou Reed hasn't seen- He said no one saw the last chances!

Why would Lou Reed see it?

That's appalling!

And I was genuinely furious with him for ages.

Did you fight him?

Like, you know, I know how you're going to blow a punch.

I just said, what a- You're a prat!

Do you know how happy it made me that Lou Reed had seen a show that I'd done?

Yeah.

And it was a lie!

I hate you, Kevin Bishop.

You're not funny in any way.

Yeah, I know.

And sparse boys is a load of old poo.

And I'm never gonna listen to Dexie's Midnight Runners every day.

Now, we've dug out your Lamb Chop track, Garth.

Thanks, everyone.

And before you play this, I should say as well, folks, if you've never seen the video for this as well, you should look up Is a Woman by Lamb Chop on YouTube, because it is a beautiful...

It's one of the best videos ever made, and it's for a track I would never even touch as far as a video, because I wouldn't be able to think of anything that could go, that could compliment such a lovely song.

But they, the boys from Shinola, the amazing Shinola, have made a video for it, it's incredible, but...

Shall we hear why?

Yeah.

This is Is A Woman by Lambchop.

Ooh, it's a peach.

Take a bite of peach.

That's delicious.

Lambchop.

What's the name of that album?

It's called Is A Woman, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's just the perfect song for a day like this, don't you think?

Yeah, and that song also, that album also contains the track My Blue Wave that we played a few weeks ago here, and that is similarly amazing.

Ah, you've got to get that album if you don't have it, listeners.

It's a smash.

What strange lyrics on there as well.

CURT!

Yeah, what does he say?

What the heck is he talking about there?

He's trying to make it whole, with everybody here, more than a Sony, to make the words throw up.

Uh, don't know what it was.

You see, the trouble is you read it out now.

You start to take away a little bit of the magic.

You do.

You remove a- Can you pop the magic, Mac, please?

Thank you very much!

Thank you!

Now, we are in the midst of text-a-nation.

Oh, yeah!

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Stop popping your legs again.

Sorry, did that go out on air what I just said?

Yes.

Oh, sorry.

It all goes out.

Are you touching Claire's legs?

No, my cord of my headphone is wrapped up in your legs.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what they all say.

Come on.

Seriously, it's yanking on my ears.

Okay.

Okay, now we're sorted.

Now, we've asked you listeners to send in your ideas for new Bond villains.

What is the name of the new Bond film?

The Quantum of Solace.

Solace.

Is it?

Add your own reverb at the end every time you say it.

Right.

And someone Laura has texted in surely Jillian Mckeith would be a great bond villain just spiking people with her scrawny body

people don't like scrawny.

It's like Sarah Jessica Parker, you know, she's one of those people.

There's a huge amount of unreasonable antipathy towards poor old Sarah Jessica Parker, because she is a scrawny woman.

I don't know if she engineers it by exercising too much, but she certainly is a kind of scrawny person.

People have a very low tolerance for the scrawny these days, you know what I mean?

They just think you're scrawny.

Look at you!

You're scrawny!

It's a disgrace!

You know, they love thin people.

That's great.

Thin models, whatever.

But you've got to keep it on the right side of scrawny if you get into the scrawny world.

They start seeing ligaments coming through.

That's right.

That's not good.

They're on to you.

They're not having it.

Oh, golly.

What should I say?

Uh, people have suggested as well, Trini and Susanna, uh, similar sort of thing, you know, as, as villains.

They could be good henchmen, and someone has reminded us that the Bond henchmen we were talking about earlier on, they, they, who had the slightly effeminate relationship, were called Mr. Kid and Mr. Wint.

What on earth was that?

Do you remember them?

What film was that?

Is that Sean Connery?

I think it was one of the Sean Connery ones, yeah.

I can't help when you say Sean Connery.

How would you do a Daniel Craig impression?

I don't know.

It's not so easy.

He's very good.

In fact, I wouldn't do a voice.

I'd do a face.

He's craggy.

You'd do your best craggy face.

My mum says, he's too craggy.

I think he's brilliant.

But he's attractive though.

Look at the body on that man.

Oh my goodness.

When he gets out of the water.

Hi, Adam and Garth.

Hello, Liz.

My new Bond villain is a dysfunctional town planner who creates spaces designed to make people angry.

That's a good idea.

The world's major cities are flooded by tsunamis of rage.

Bond's implacable suavity enables him to create little oases of calm and sexy repartee so that the builders can redevelop.

It's sort of insane, Liz, why you've sent us there.

But I like the idea, I like the idea of town planners, because they are a good, you know, focus of people's rage, aren't they?

And they're on a position of immense power, and they abuse it all too often.

Let's face it.

CARBUNCLES THEY'RE CREATING OF!

CARBUNCLES!

Have you got any there?

I haven't got any that I want to read, uh, without being slapped.

Because there's some dirty ones.

Do dirty!

Um, um, but there's some good ones.

Um, how about, well, one guy just wants, he thinks his children are so annoying that they'd be perfect bon-villains.

Well, it would be nice.

Did you say villains there?

Villains.

Is that not what they're called?

Bon-villains.

I thought they'd call him around my house.

He's a dirty vellum.

Oh, look at how he's a dirty vellum.

Well, here's one more for you right now for the time being.

Michelle and Al, thank you Michelle and Al for this.

Jeremy Kyle, obviously.

I mean, that was staring us right in the face.

As a brilliant Bond villain, he practices mind control on his guests and he creates an army of single moms and pinch-drinking women.

and they vote for him to become an evil Prime Minister and then he rules Britain and he rules over a Britain of filthy fun.

Do you think, uh, what kind of gadget could he have, though?

Because all these guys have got to have their quirky gadgets.

He would, uh, lie detector.

The laser lie detector.

Yep.

And he would carry it around with him and he would just do lie detector tests on all the heads of state.

Good.

And, uh, they would always fail.

He could have a microphone that when he holds it under your mouth for you to speak, you just start to cry.

And you can't stop, and that's how he gets Bond in the end, cos Bond's all tough.

Or, the top of, again, the top of the microphone flips off, and just a big knife comes through the end while he's talking to people.

Er, thank you very much for all your, erm, suggestions thus far.

We'll wrap up Text the Nation shortly, I think.

This is the Adam and Jo Show here on BBC 6 Music, with Garth filling in for a ailing Jo.

although I hear he's going to be back with us next week when we're in Glastonbury.

I think we've got a Glastonbury trail here, don't we?

This is exciting.

Here it is.

A little bit of shouting in the background there from the unruly lady from the arcade file.

That was Neighbourhood No.

2 brackets Laika.

Now it's time to wrap up Text the Nation.

Thank you so much for all your texts and emails on the subject of new Bond villains, and here's just a couple more before we conclude Text the Nation this week.

Let's see.

Alex in Shrewsbury says, Bond villain.

a giant cat with a little man on her lap.

That's terrific.

That's my favourite idea already.

That's a very good one, isn't it?

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, Alex.

Someone else says, this is anonymous, Joe Wiley is definitely a good villain.

You can have her with eyes that slowly sink into her head when she's in deep evil plan making mode.

That's good too.

I still love the giant cat.

I know.

I love Jo Wylie anyway.

Yeah.

Um, so, uh, but yes, there's something, there's something glacial about her, I suppose.

Her and Cake Blanket.

Uh, you know?

Yes.

They, they're, they're sort of, I mean, she's the villain in the, uh, in the Indiana Jones film, isn't she?

Cake Blanchett.

Yes, I haven't seen it, though.

And I guess she'd make a good villain, because she is, uh, she's beautiful, but beautiful, beautiful.

Ice cold.

Um, and, uh, let's see.

That's another one written down here.

Somewhere.

Oh, yes.

Here we go.

This is the final one.

Um, again, anonymous.

Bond villain, old lady who's knitting a scarf to wrap around the world.

That's ridiculous.

You know, she's gonna wrap it.

Oh, that is, why did I even read that one?

That was really crazy.

I'm insane.

And then, and then off the subject of Bond villains, we were talking about, uh, flies earlier on.

Someone said, I found a dead fly at the bottom of my tortellini and threw up.

Yes, it's not nice finding dead things in your food.

That's different though to having a fly just sort of scoop past.

But anyway, thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails for Text the Nation this week.

And now, Garth, we have another music choice from you, I think.

Yeah, another laid-back one.

This is The Rip by Portishead.

That is both grills and skills, isn't it?

I love that song.

The Rip by Portishead.

And Garth was mentioning this, Johnny Greenwood and Tom York doing a version of that song up online.

Yeah, go and see.

It's lovely.

On their website, I think.

Right now, this is BBC Six Music and it's time for the news.

Song Wars, a reminder of Song Wars this week and before that of course you heard the Danny Warhols, the acceptable face of the Danny Warhols.

I like the Danny Warhols.

With Get Off, that's got to be one of their best tracks though surely.

And Song Wars this week, Garth and I challenge, because Joe is away if you've just tuned in listeners, he's ill, he's got the shingles, can't stop shingling and our challenge this week was to write in his honour a song about being ill.

Garth had hay fever and I had a cold this week so we both wrote songs about those conditions.

Now Garth, you went first last time.

I did.

So I will go first this time if that's okay, Jude.

This is my song about having the flu.

It started yesterday, there was a tickle in my throat, and I coughed.

But it didn't go away, and when I coughed again, I felt a small amount of pain ripple gently through the muscles in my limbs and chest.

I thought I know what's best, I'll drink a pint of echinacea, have a bath, and snort a line of vitamin C.

Oh how happy I will be I will chew the yummy orange pills And they will sort out all my chills Hey look at me, I'm eating vitamin C I've eaten much too much, oh dear And now I can't get off the lavatory I've got chills, they're multiplying And now I'm losing the will to go to work I'll phone in sick and they'll think that I'm just faking it And then I'll take some pills and I'll climb into bed

Look, I'm in bed, it's the day but I'm in bed I'm going to catch up on some reading and some dull but worthy DVDs I've got tissues

Somebody help me please When I get better, I'm going to make some changes I'm never going to drink or smoke a single thing again I've got the flu and I want you to sympathize Just look into my eyes They're all streaming in red and I'm in bed And I can't get up cause my muscles hurt

Oh dear, dear E.M.E.

I've got a cold and untold, it's a peculiar strain It makes your hands feel balloony, it plays tricks on your brain You get a tune in your head and it plays on a loop Round and round and round and round I've got the fun from a woman who's sneezing at night

And it fades out.

My inspiration was Sid Barrett there, I was trying to do like a kind of a Sid Barrett voice.

It works, it sounds like an ill voice.

Yeah.

I like it.

It's a good one.

Thanks very much, man.

It's a, it's a battle we're fighting this week.

As you said, there's a lot of sections, the sections don't necessarily fit together.

No, but they give you that lift.

Yeah.

Vitamin C, you get the lift and everything.

Did you know that though, if you took, at one time when I had a cold, I dosed up on way too many vitamin C tablets.

Right.

And it goes right through you.

I mean, it opens up the sluices at both ends.

You better watch out because it's- I hope you're enjoying your scrambled eggs, everyone.

They're not sweeties, folks.

You can't just neck those vitamin C tablets.

Anyway, Garth, your song.

Ah, it's called, uh, Hay Fever.

My baby sees it

That works for me And there's a problem to say Even though we're sleeping just now

You've got proper choruses in there and everything.

Well, it's Song Wars.

The War of the Songs.

Yeah, but... I mean, you know, you come in here with your chords.

Well, also, I was working with Tim Land, you know, and, and Niles Barkley.

What do you do?

Is that GarageBand you're using there, man?

Yeah, it's GarageBand, but it's not a pre-existing loop, except the drums are a loop.

And then I just rode a little tune.

Sounds nice.

Wow, thank you.

Nice little bit of production there.

Not as funny as yours, though.

So, folks, you can vote for Garth or my song on AdamAndJoe.bbc.

No, I'll start again.

You can email your votes for Song Wars to AdamAndJoe.6music at bbc.co.uk.

And you can do that throughout the week if you're listening again.

And we'll tell you who the winner is and we'll play the winner when we're at Glastonbury next week.

Oh, brilliant.

So, uh, listen in.

That's gonna be an exciting show.

Okay, more music.

Now, this is Sigur Ross with a track called Gobbledygook.

You know how Steve Wright always sings over the end of his songs?

Could you imagine him on that?

That was the Ewoks.

with one of their forest songs.

They're excited because there's a new tree house that's spooky and that's like the inaugural song they're playing at the unveiling of the new tree house.

That's why they say we were trying to remember what the Ewoks say the other day.

I don't know.

That sounds like the Mars Attacks aliens.

Maybe.

Oh, they say... They're amazing.

Now, when you're talking about Radiohead, we're lucky enough to be going to see Radiohead in Victoria Park this week.

I don't know if you are, folks.

Maybe we'll see you there.

They're playing on Tuesday and Wednesday night.

Are you going... I'm definitely going... I'm actually going to go to both nights.

I haven't seen them play at all for years and years, so I'm very excited about it.

They've got this amazing new light show and everything.

They're using, what are they, LEDs?

Yeah, because I think the brief ones make an amazing light show, but do it in the most ecologically friendly way.

Thanks, Al Gore.

Yeah, no, but I think they've pulled it off.

It looks amazing from what I've seen.

Al Gore has actually delivered the lights to Radiohead personally.

It's a new thing that he's invented, and they are amazing.

I saw them last weekend in France, as I was saying earlier.

And it's spectacular.

I'm really beautiful.

It's like these long columns, these kind of plastic tubes hanging down over the stage and they light up in the most remarkable way.

But they're all sort of, it's like a forest of these things.

Oh, I see.

So there's layers of them.

Yeah.

Oh, I couldn't tell that.

They're hanging down like, uh, stalactites.

Right.

And, um, uh, so, so they create by, by, uh, it's hard to describe, but they, they sort of create 3d effects as if you're actually seeing like a three dimensional object floating around with you.

Cause you can move through the light.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that sounds nice.

They played Planet Telex at the end.

Really?

And the whole thing just sort of exploded into this multi-colored, like amazing candy-colored lights.

Oh, it's just wonderful.

Can't wait.

I'm so excited about seeing them again.

But oh my lord.

Now, forgive me if this sounds like the words of a sort of pervy old man.

But the lady situation where I saw them in Neem was unbelievable.

I've never seen so many.

Is that just people, ladies from Neem, just hanging out?

I guess so.

Maybe French ladies.

But they've got a better class of lady out there or something, but maybe it's just Radiohead fans, I'm not sure.

But I've never seen so many troublingly attractive female fans at a gig in my life, you know?

And they were a certain type of girl, though, right?

They were, I mean, when I say girl, you know, these are mature, intelligent women I'm talking about, not like 14-year-olds.

Um, running around there.

But they were, they're sort of beautiful looking, but interesting looking, you know?

The ultimate woman.

And they're not overdressed, they're not like, uh, sort of Sex in the City style over the top ludicrous fashion.

They're not scrawny, as you were saying.

They're not all scrawny, no.

And then, but they're not kind of binge drinky type of British women.

You mean there's something in between?

I'm joking.

Not British, I'm just joking.

But you know what I mean?

And they're, they're not sort of over-made up, and they've got sort of interesting bags with maybe Naomi Klein novels popping out.

Oh, or books or whatever by Noam Chomsky popping out over the top there and they all look interesting and they've got sort of interesting hair and stuff like this.

And he's just thinking, oh man, this is happening way too late.

Nope.

I cannot believe it.

I just like the idea of you with the bat for lashes cat.

I've got your cat!

I've got your cat Natasha!

What do you want me to do with it?

Isn't it brilliant?

I love cats too!

I was just wondering around thinking I can't believe I'm finally here with my VIP pass and all these... Access all areas.

You know?

And instead, you know, I'm nearly 40 or whatever it is and...

I mean, obviously, I'm on the very, very happy island of marriage.

And, of course, there's no way... You might not be after this little piece you've done on the radio.

No, maybe not.

No, the wrong way this afternoon.

She never listens.

You know, I would never... I'm happy on the Paradise marriage island.

Why would I want to dip my toe in the incredibly attractive water?

I don't want to swim, now I'm happy on the sand!

So there you go, um, people are gonna be giving me a wide berth at Victoria Park.

Well I know why you've done a lot of singles a favour, cos they know where to go this week.

Yeah, that's true.

If they're looking for a date, and you're looking for a different class of person, would that go for the men as well?

I know.

Oh man, absolutely, there was a lot of very good looking men.

I mean, it was just ludicrous, it looked like a big sexy advert with Dr Buckle's little hairy monkey man walking around in the mist, loving, going, oh my gosh, I can't believe it.

I've never been this far away from home.

Now, here's one of the tracks that they played that I never really liked before from Hail to the Thief, right?

But when they played it, it just made complete sense and I just thought, wow, this is an amazing song and I went back and listened to it again where I end and you begin by Radiohead.

It was good to eat me alive.

Stop it!

Can you start with my toes?

That's terrible.

It was Radiohead, where I end and you begin.

Well, that's pretty much it for our show this week.

Thank you so much for all your texts and emails, listeners.

Apologies, as usual, if we didn't read them out, but we really, we read every single one and we really appreciated it.

Thank you so much, Garth Jennings, for pulling in, for Joe calling me again.

Thank you for having me again, and hope you get well soon, Joe.

Yeah, he's on the mend, I think, which is good news, and Dr. Sexy and Dr. Buckles will be reporting live from Glastonbury, the Glastonbury Festival, next weekend.

We'll be with you at the usual time on Saturday, 9 till 12.

Please don't forget to watch my show, Me Box, which is a whole new half hour of brand new exciting comedy rubbish, which goes out on BBC 3 tomorrow night, Sunday night, at 11.45pm.

Thereafter, of course, you can watch it on iPlayer, and I think it's repeated the following.

Thursday as well.

I've got a little squeak in my... Can you hear me?

I can, you sound like Sooty or one of those different toys.

It's the remnants of my cold.

Don't forget to vote for our Song Wars songs as well, and of course our podcast will be out tomorrow evening, Sunday after about 6.30, thanks to the tireless efforts of Jude and Claire here at the Big British Castle.

Thank you so much for listening.

Liz Kershaw is coming up, and then later, of course, Lauren Laverne, so you've really got no excuse to go anywhere but six music for the rest of your weekend.

Have a good one, and we'll be back with you shortly.

Well, next week, thereabouts.

Love you, bye!