The Adam and Joe Archive - adam_and_joe_20080517_bad

just what is it that you want to do we want to be free we want to be free to to do what we want to do

Well, that's a disgrace.

Why?

Oh, he's a disgrace.

What's wrong with it?

Because it's just more pro-drug propaganda.

What were the lyrics?

What was he saying?

He wants to get loaded, and he wants to get high, and he wants to have a good time.

I think something like that.

What should he be doing?

He should be sitting down, and he should be sitting back exactly, and he should be thinking about things and what he's done.

Not...

all what he was doing jumping around with maracas and there was a woman in there it's a disgrace it's a disgrace we've got three hours of disgraceful tunes for you this morning here on bbc6 music this is adam and joe hello i'm joe i'm adam that was primal scream incidentally uh dizzy glassby he's responsible for it bobbie and uh his gang that was loaded of course and yes it's a delight to be with you

Although I'm disappointed to say the weather's, uh, not that, it's not that pretty.

It's over.

Is it?

It's not over.

Yeah, that was the summer.

Was it?

Yeah.

Just two weeks.

Winter now.

Yeah.

It can't be over.

No, it's gonna come back, isn't it?

No.

Please tell me.

No.

I think expect it not to then it'll be a pleasant surprise if it does yeah We've got filthy music coming up for you by such bands as vampire weekend Have you heard of them Justin pitching detectives?

Oh, they are a problem the guillemots There are keys the mystery jets.

Yeah Morrissey.

It's so eclectic.

We might drop a couple of those

Sultans of ping.

We might drop Morrissey, maybe.

He's too grumpy to play.

We won't drop Morrissey.

Some Jane's Addiction.

But coming up right now, it's some Ting Tings.

You know all about the Ting Tings album.

I actually listened to the Ting Tings album.

Did you?

From the start until it finished.

Did you buy it?

No, it was a promo.

Really?

We got sent through, but I thought, oh, I'm going to listen to this.

And how was it?

Because it's time for people to kind of call the ting tings for what they are.

There's an album out.

They can't hide in an atmosphere of mystery anymore.

What would you call them?

I don't know.

People are saying that it's Tony Basil for the Noughties.

Exactly.

It's a fun band.

It's a kids band.

You know, it's like a Banana Rama album or something.

And that's not to damn it with faint praise.

Banana Rama, I mean, that's good stuff there.

But it's like a kiddies album.

In this month's NME, they have an interview with the Tintings explaining what this song is about.

She says that it was because her name's Katie White, everyone at school called her Stacy Pike.

I was like, that's not my name, you know, I'm not that forgettable, am I?

It's also about feeling pigeonholed and written off.

Bands hate being pigeonholed.

They don't like being put in boxes.

Pigeonholes should be banned.

Everyone hates pigeonholes.

Exactly.

Bands loathe them, you're right.

Let's hear the Tintings then.

You keep playing me like a smoothie shape, putting in change Systematic, we went in the street that you had over me

that's about fruit machines and that was ting tings I think you were talking about the other single weren't you what's my name hmm that's the one where she's had a problem with her name with being pigeonholed what it would her friends call her uh stacy pike stacy pike and her real name is tina white or katie white yeah they call her stacy pike

I don't know.

It's very mysterious and exciting, her life and her records.

That was good.

The Tintings, the latest big thing.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC Six Music coming up quite soon this week's Song Wars.

I forgot about Song Wars.

Did you forget to do a song?

Almost.

It was a difficult one.

It was, wasn't it?

We decided at the very end of the show last week we didn't think it through properly.

We were going to do an alternative birthday song and the one thing I feel that we forgot to factor in was the fact that the birthday song's awful.

happy birthday it's not a good tune it's not lyrically strong it's very repetitive and it's very short am i right in saying that it's no longer under copyright there was some big legal very impossibly and uh... because it famously of course happy birthday for a long time maybe still was a copyright tune if owned by warner chapel i think if you were gonna have that uh... you know someone singing happy birthday in a film or a tv show you would have to cough up quite a lot of money as cap

And officially, I think in a restaurant, you're not even allowed to sing Happy Birthday.

Really?

Because that's a public place.

Yeah, but the restaurant has to pay money to ASCAP, like it has to have a sort of rights deal.

You know?

Otherwise, you can get busted, you can get arrested.

So the idea of Song Wars is to cash in on that money train.

Exactly.

to try and create a song that would be defensively associated with birthdays, get it, copyrighted, patented, or whatever you call it, so that anybody who sings it has to pay, even the kids.

So the challenge was not so much to sing a song about birthdays as to actually sing, to create a new birthday song that you would sing for a human person, or even an animal.

Do you think you've done that?

Yeah, I've done it, sort of.

I'm gonna stick my neck out and say that mine is one of the worst songs I've ever done, or any human being has ever done.

Really?

Yeah, I went out and bought the Flight of the Conchords album yesterday.

Did you?

I was listening to it.

And I was kind of embarrassed and ashamed that I was involved in a similar area of, you know, effort.

I bet it's good.

We'll find out how good those songs are or bad a bit later in the show, but here's some 808 state.

That's like a sort of electronic forest.

That's like the music they play on airplanes if you are... It's true if you're about to panic.

If you're about to panic, you know, and also if you're a smoker and you're getting stressed out by there, you know... Do you think it's got subliminal messages in it?

Do you think Paul McKenna whispered something during the session?

Probably.

Paul McKenna's... Paul McKenna?

Paul McKenna's... Paul McKenna.

He's a hair magician.

I don't even know who he is.

Paul McKenna.

Paul Mc... Paul McKenna.

Paul... I'm so confused.

Paul McKenna is behind most ambient house music.

Is he?

Yeah.

That's right, and Deron Brown.

If he teamed up with Deron Brown... Imagine!

You know, this conversation is obviously jumping from subject to subject, but you've jumped it into a very interesting place.

The government should insist that Brown and McKenna team up and fix the nation's problems.

be like justice the french group it would be like the avengers the marvel superhero team right if there were fewer people in combination between the band justice and uh the avengers the marvel superhero team but guaranteed to i mean that's it that's a whole area that darren brown could investigate you have pull mckenna uh he's got healing powers right

He's got healing powers.

Everyone says, the back of his book says, yeah he can heal you of fear and pain and addiction.

He's got healing powers.

Darren Brown has mind control powers.

I was just going to say, because Paul McKenna, he's not going to do anything for you if you've got a broken leg.

You never know.

So that's pretty good.

I think they should have Dr Tanya Byron on the team as well.

Who's Dr Tanya Byron?

She's a TV psychologist.

She wrote the government's report on video games, I think.

And she does TV shows about sexual problems and that kind of thing.

She's the blonde American lady.

No, she's got brown hair.

She's sexy but stern and knowledgeable.

That's the ultimate sexy.

She should be on the team as well.

It's like a sort of British... a new team of British superheroes.

This is amazing.

But it's like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the Alan Moore comic.

But they're mainly... Right, but they're just making ambient house tracks.

Well, they're releasing some ambient house tracks.

The government issued them for free to everyone in the country to listen to.

They've got some subliminal messages, but then if there's major problems, they can be flown in.

Excellent.

Yeah.

Hey, this is exciting.

It is exciting.

We need some more members for the team, though.

Other people in Britain with magic powers.

Mind powers.

Or any sort of power.

Jeff Capes.

You know who could... What?

He's a strong man.

He could take care of the physical end of things.

Is Jeff Capes even with us still?

I mean, they could be managed by Paul Daniels.

They'd be managed by Simon Cowell.

Why would they be managed by Paul Daniels?

He's Scott Patrick.

Powers!

He'd be on the team.

And he's got Debbie McGee.

But Simon Cowell would be back at headquarters.

He's in no way magic.

He is.

What's magic about him?

He's Mr Magic.

Showbiz magic.

That's a different kind of magic.

He controls fame.

That's a kind of magic.

Okay, here's a free play from Della Soul.

This is from their 2004 album The Grind Date.

How many Della Soul albums can you name?

uh the uh three feet high and rising three feet high and rising dela sola's dead dela sola's dead i forgot it was that they balloon mind state oh yes stakes is high artificial intelligence colon mosaic thump boy ao i colon bionics a lot of albums 2001 and this one the grind date 2004 all those albums

Most of them, they're, most of them are worth listening to.

Right.

They're really good.

And this is some later Dela Sol that you might not have heard, because everyone's always playing their Daisy H sort of material.

This is called the Grind Dade.

It starts off with some, the Grand Dade.

Again, it's been in a cool voice.

Did you hear that?

This is the Grand Dade.

And it starts off with sort of a nice trippy singing.

So here we go.

Bye bye Zutons, back to the 70s there with the Zutons.

Are you sure it was the Zutons?

I thought it was Hoochie Packet.

Why are they called Hoochie Packet?

They're from 1976.

Of course.

That was called Honey Sexy Woman Spangles.

Yes, Ken Spangles is the lead singer, isn't he?

Hoochie Packet are a big new band and they're set to take over the world with their songs.

His name's not really Ken Spangles, the Ken will just be a stage name.

Hoochie Packet wear their hair down to their shoulders.

Disgusting.

Except the drummer Michael, who's bald.

That's all you need to know about the Hoochie Packet.

That single's released digitally on the 19th of May and physically on the 26th of May.

That'll be a good day, man.

Yeah.

Physical release.

There's nothing like a physical release, is there?

Well, it certainly gets the tension.

Out of my areas.

Unlike a physical release.

It's the first single to be taken from their new album, quote, you can do anything, close quote, which is not the case, listeners.

Listen, that's not true.

You will be arrested for certain.

Especially if you've had a drink and you're going up to save a balloon from some scaffolding and you're dressed as a superhero.

That's true.

In that case, you can do almost nothing.

Yeah.

So forget about it.

But you can fly.

Forget about it.

get down off the scaffolding.

I was watching Donnie Brasko the other day.

That's a good film.

That's a film with Johnny Depp in it, Mike Nipples.

Johnny Depp's amazing in that film.

Mike Nipples directed it.

The famous Hollywood director Michael Nipples.

He's so hot right now.

Mike Nipples directed the one with Tom Hanks as well.

What was it called?

Did you see that one?

Charlie Watson's War or whatever it was called.

No, I didn't.

Er, not bad, not bad.

And, erm, I was watching Donnie Prescott and I forgot that... Not bad nipples, not bad!

Well done, nice job nipples!

The genesis of that phrase in, erm, you know, I'll forget about it.

I know it's like a mob phrase.

Oh, in the Hugh Grant comedy.

Yeah, in Mickey Blue Eyes.

In Mickey Blue Eyes, when they're sat in the car and it's him and, er, it's Hugh, Hugh Grant and James Carnes.

That's a fairly low-wattage Hugh Grant film.

Not many people may have seen it apart from Hugh.

My mum's, one of my mum's favourites.

Really?

Yeah, loves it.

Hugh Grant and his... It's a fish out of water comedy.

He's an English toff who has to pose as a kind of New York mobster, right?

Yeah.

And there's a scene where he... The only scene they ever showed in clips where he's attempting to do the sopranos thing, even though it's pre-sopranos, he's attempting to say that line, right?

Exactly.

And James Carnes saying, come on, you know, just talk like a mobster, for goodness sake.

Stop being foppish in English.

Say, you know, forget about it.

And Hugh Grant's saying, um, forget about it.

Forget about it.

Or forget about it.

Forget about it.

No, no, come on.

Forget about it.

Like that.

Forget about it.

Anyway, that comes from Donnie Brasko.

They say forget about it.

Right the way through that.

Really?

Like the ludicrous degree.

Forget about it.

You know, I'm going to say it throughout this show now, because Forgot about it coming a whole lot of different things.

I can't wait.

Forgot about it.

I think you should say it after every item of the news.

Forgot about it.

Yes, is anything really heavy?

Hey, Forgot about it.

Exactly.

Now, here is the news.

It is exactly 9.30 here at the Big British Castle.

Boy, that's an epic, isn't it?

No Cars Go.

Is that the new single from the Arcade Fire?

No, it was just playing it for the kicks, for the fun.

That was from Neon Bible, of course.

That was one of the big albums of last year.

Has the big album of this year already come out?

I wonder now.

It's the Ting Tings!

Uh, thanks to Ben, who's emailed in and said we've got our mics mixed up.

Of course, Mike Newell directed Donnie Brasco.

Not Michael Nipples.

That wasn't the work of Nipples.

Which, who did Working Girl then?

That was Mike Nipples.

Is that Nipples?

Yeah.

Nick- Nickles.

I've got a head for Ben.

Newell.

And a bod for Sam.

Coffee.

Tea.

Me.

She doesn't say that at all.

Yes, she does, does she?

Oh, she does.

The most famous line.

Uh, so, yeah.

This isn't spot for sin, it's the most famous line.

What, mate?

What?

Yeah, you see it, too, against one of my beaters.

It's a great movie, though.

What strange hair she's got in Working Girl.

Every year that goes by, the weirder her costume looks.

It's very dated, that film.

Yeah, but it's good.

Scorny Weaver, one of the most... What?

They've got terribly confused this morning.

They dance to a song, don't they, by Christopher Burge.

Scorny Weaver's one of the most underrated female comic actresses.

Can you have a female actress?

of the century.

Okay, full stop.

She's brilliant.

Nigel's emailed in and said, during the ting tings track you played earlier, my three-year-old daughter Daisy came in and said, quote, it's noisy, it's silly, and turned the radio off.

Oh dear, does she win a prize?

We can't give away prizes at the big British castle, but she would.

For being the most opinionated person under five about contemporary music.

You know, they say that culture is sort of devolving.

Uh, kids are getting, policemen are getting younger, you know, uh, kids are becoming adults earlier.

Pretty soon the pop market will be mainly the under fives.

And the Teletubbies will be, or whatever it is now in the night garden, Pingu will be some kind of Pete Doherty presented kid show.

I wouldn't mind if it was Pingu, I'd be quite happy about it.

Really, Pete Doherty and Pingu?

Yeah, he's, he's genius.

Uh, all, they're all geniuses.

Really?

Pete Doxey and Pingu.

And Pingu, they should do it to US.

They should.

I think we should have Nigel's daughter Daisy program the show one week.

That's a good idea, yeah.

Jews are not looking so excited about that.

Listen, coming up very soon, Song Wars, we've already warned you listeners that this could be the worst Song Wars ever.

We chose a real stinker of a subject.

I think we both had better things to do during the week, so we might have been, I was certainly pretty slapdash.

finished this song I got halfway through that my song and thought this is really poor if I had any sense I'd just scrap this and start again right I didn't really have time to usually I get through a couple of different versions before I settle on the final thing maybe we could invert the scoring so the one that is worst wins

You know you vote for how much you hate it, and the person who's sort of provoked the most vitriol amongst the listeners would win.

Okay, yeah, that's a good idea.

Evil week.

We could certainly encourage- It's not evil week.

We could certainly encourage people to be as cruel as they like about it.

Yeah, well that's coming up soon anyway, but first here's a free play from Dr. Buckles.

Dr. Buckles, I've chosen this one for you listeners, and it's from Weezer.

They're a great band.

Do you own any Weezer albums, Joe?

No.

Not even the first one, the green one with Buddy Holly on it and everything.

No, my bird might have it, I don't know.

Actually, that's blue, that one.

The green one is the one.

Do they colour code them?

That would be a good idea.

I don't know if they gave up on the whole colour coding thing, but I remember the blue one and the green one.

Has the band ever done that?

The blue album, the red, I mean obviously the Beatles had the white album.

Yeah, but they didn't colour code all of them.

No, it certainly would be a good idea.

This was from the blue one though, their debut album.

And it's also, I just remembered, Rivers Cuomo is doing a thing at the moment on YouTube if you go on there and type his name in.

where he's encouraging his fans and people who just happen to be wandering by to collaborate on writing a song with him.

It's really entertaining, so it's all in different steps.

The first step is they just, he says, okay, I need a title for the song.

You guys come up with a cool title and we'll go from there.

So lots of people suggest different titles.

He says, okay, you know, Stig Farm, he suggested 80s radio.

I enjoy it.

That's a cool title.

Let's go with that.

Now I need some lyrics and now I need...

music to people send in written music yeah people send in like them strung in like a strumming like a chord progression as he says okay I like that chord progression I'm gonna put it in I'm gonna play it right now so he and then he takes it on very laser the next stage it's really good and lazy very compelling he films in quite a weird way and he's a slow down voice him down again

and does some unnecessary visual effects, but it's really good, I recommend it, River's Quorum.

Anyway, this is the first of a few kind of slightly holiday-themed tracks, because we're going to be taking a break, listeners.

Next week we're going to be away, and someone will be filling in for us.

So I'm choosing some holiday-type songs, and this one is called Holiday by Weezer.

Enjoy!

It's time for song wars, the war of the song

by a couple of prongs to check it out.

Sander so manky.

What the g- The link.

The jingle.

Yeah, next to Weezer.

That explosion of excellence there from Weezer.

That was holiday, of course.

Well, we should start as we mean to continue with the mankiness.

Yeah.

We've already established, listeners, if you've just tuned in, that neither of us are proud of our efforts this week.

We chose a stupid subject.

Well, it was a good subject.

It was a good suggestion.

I don't think it was.

What was the name of the listener who suggested it again?

We're gonna have to dig them up.

We're not sure anyway, it's best to keep his maybe Sonia after this Maybe let's just say Sonia from Australia.

Listen and Sonia if we got your name wrong, I'm sorry But we're calling you Sonia for the purposes of today's birthday Even got that from Sonia from Australia.

I know there wasn't there was an S in there again You're gonna be fired for that because it wasn't Sonia

And you're lying.

And she's not in Australia.

And the BBC don't tolerate that kind of thing, get out.

Sandra, Sonia.

Sandra it is now.

This is a complete chain of lies of tissue.

Samira.

I'm just thinking, I know it was an S. These are real people and you're destroying their lives.

She was in Australia, I'm sure she was.

Anyway, she asked us to, she said it was her birthday soon and was there any chance that we could do a new birthday song in her honour.

And we did that.

Unfortunately, you know we've got our name wrong and everything.

I'm getting this out of the way.

I'm flicking the coin.

Joe's got the coin now.

Heads or tails?

This is for who goes first.

Yeah.

Okay, tails.

Tails.

I'm fighting not to go first.

It's heads.

Does that mean I get to choose?

Alright, I'm going to get my first.

So mine is, the idea with my song, so the challenge of this was to write a new happy birthday song, because every time people sing happy birthday, this may or may not be true, but it's a sort of urban myth.

Is that good enough?

that you have to pay for it.

Certainly if you're using a film you used to have to pay for it.

It definitely was true.

It's a license to print money.

If you can write a new song, then you have a license to print.

If you can get on the birthday song right, cash bandwagon, then you're rich.

So we're trying to do that.

My idea was to write a reply song.

So you sing happy birthday at a birthday party and then the person who you've sung happy birthday to has to sing this back It's a reply song got you So I'm gonna play it now.

Okay, here we go.

So imagine happy but you just finished singing.

Happy birthday Happy birthday to you Then the person you've sung it to sings this

Thanks for singing Happy Birthday to me It was slightly out of tune but it was still lovingly The cake looks delicious and it's great you all came I'll be careful not to set my hair alight on the flames

And thanks a lot for all the presents I got Every single thing's a thing I wanted a lot And I could give you even though you went and forgot The batteries to operate that giant robot My favourite people aren't here in this room My heart is like a giant lava balloon

But don't forget that it's my special day That means you have to do exactly what I say And I demand that everybody has fun Cause it's the day to take my agent out on a run

If we're over 80 we can get very drunk If we're kids we'll pass the fazzle then we'll apple it down And maybe lay where I can go off and cry Get depressed if I can speak for years or mine Now that I'm older I can totally change Be sexy and cool instead of slightly strange So thanks for singing Happy Birthday to me

Just insipid.

Just horrible.

Horrible.

I like the fact that your mid-Atlantic accent... I hate it.

Because you slightly slide into it.

Because it comes in and out.

It kind of comes in and out, and so at one point you talk about past the pastel.

Past the pastel?

It's terrible.

Past the pastel.

I don't really want to play it ever again.

Well, that's what I was thinking with mine.

I was thinking, ah, no.

Now you're feeling a bit better.

We usually play them twice.

This is going to drive everybody mental.

No, what happened with mine was, A, I made a number of incredibly bad decisions.

I sort of started off seeing to myself thinking that I was going to do a kind of country follow-up to my Christmas time one.

Good God.

Christmas country party time.

That's good.

I like that one.

It's a day like that, a kind of a country man from America.

But it sort of went wrong, so I ended up just singing in a high voice, but with a bizarre American accent, kind of justifying it to myself that, well, in the olden days, everyone used to do American accents, even if they were British.

Now, of course, that's incredibly, no one would even think about doing that.

Everyone sings in their own accent.

But I don't.

I sing in American, in a kind of mangled American accent.

Also, I've left a little gap for the person's name.

nice well so Jude if you leave the mic up my mic up then I will I'll put in Sonia's name even though it might not be funny even though she doesn't exist so I don't think there's anything more that needs to be said about my dreadful birthday

It's birthday time, it's birthday time It's time for your birthday today Oh yes, it's birthday time Happy birthday time To fail to celebrate would be a horrible crime Your name is Sonia I bought you a gift To celebrate the fact you're still alive Hurray!

You came out of a woman, or possibly a tube And ever since that day you have survived Well done!

And now it's birthday time, happy present time We got some cake and wine and cake and food

It's birthday day, that wonderful time You should eat the cake if not it's rude Today's the date, you will be happy all day Because we come to celebrate the day with you We're singing to you, and we're looking at you And now you should be smiling, it's a happy day It's a birthday time, that joyful date The same date that you busted out the womb

Many years have passed since that fateful day Who can tell how many more you'll make it through?

Birthday time, birthday cards I bought a card and wrote your name within I gave you the card and now it's yours And later you will put it in the bin Birthday time, birthday time Why can't we live forever?

Oh dear.

Busted out of the womb.

Since that painful day.

You know what?

I declare that song the winner.

I think we should intervene and negate the necessity for voting.

Well listen, we got a message.

It was not Sonia, of course.

I don't know where I got Sonia.

Sonia Niffles, the director of Marking Girl.

Mike's daughter.

It was Claire and Guildford who suggested... Same thing, Guildford, Australia.

It's Claire and Sonia.

She says it's my 19th birthday next week.

And this was the message we got last week.

On my 19th birthday, so it'll be sometime this week.

And like many people, I sometimes get tired of the plain old happy birthday song.

Therefore, it would make my day if you came up with the new birthday song.

Happy now?

Are you happy now, Claire?

We did.

I liked yours.

I thought yours was good.

These jewels was funny.

Well, I was trying to sing a bit like Brian Wilson.

I had Brian Wilson in my head.

You know, like late period Brian Wilson.

When he's kind of mad.

For me.

And he's not just in and out of one side of his mouth because he's definitely one of you.

I like it.

I vote we never play my song ever again.

Your song was all right.

No, it wasn't.

It was awful.

It was fine.

Fine.

Anyway, that was Song Wars for this week.

Are we going to play later on?

We should play the one from Look Around You.

Yeah, we bought that in Look Around You, the popular BBC 2 comedy series.

They did a birthday song.

We'll play that later.

Let's have some real music now, can we?

Yeah, this is Hot Chip with One Pure Thought.

Thank God.

Very good.

That's one pure thought by Hot Chip.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

You might remember, if you've been listening for a little while to this morning's show, before that song, there were some other noises you heard that we'd made for Song Wars.

They were very poor and we've had various text messages in.

Michael from Malden says, thanks.

I just wet myself.

Is that a good way?

Will, I don't know.

Will and Kate.

It depends where the fluid came from.

Will and Kate in Eastbourne said, you should both be ashamed of yourself.

Someone liked your song a lot.

They remain anonymous.

Brian Wilson, someone says, can't you go away right now?

Nill points, says Michael again.

So, do vote for your favourite of those two.

Adamandjo.6musicappbbc.co.uk.

We will be away next week.

Someone will be filling in for us.

So, the winner will be announced online.

And we will renounce it.

Yeah, renounce the whole flipping thing when we get back.

In a couple of weeks, that's right And and we will I think we probably are gonna have to play them again later on I really don't want mine ever come on.

No, nobody wants it played You don't you're just standing on ceremony.

You don't want to hear it again

Adam, you don't wanna hear it.

It was fine, it was fine.

That define's not good enough.

Listen, you should do a commentary through it.

I'm ashamed of this.

Do an audio commentary when we play it next.

But that won't make it any better.

Well, it'll add something.

to nothing.

I don't listen.

Let's talk about this during the records.

I really don't want to play it again.

You shouldn't.

Don't get down on it, man.

It's fine.

No, I'm just being realistic.

It's just awful.

You know, some weeks we pull it out of the bag, other weeks we leave it in the bag.

Well then, why bring the bag in?

Because that's the nature of the thing, isn't it?

Just leave the bag at home.

Everyone has a little off album.

People have heard it now.

They don't need to hear it again, ever.

Okay, it's 10 o'clock here at the Big British Castle, just after.

Shall we have some kind of a trail to mark the occasion?

Yes, please!

BBC.

On digital.

That's We Are Scientists With Chick-Lit!

Come to my party pom-pom!

I'm having a poo-poo party pom-pom!

That's what I'd say to them.

This Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

We're keen fans of The Apprentice, as you'll know if you're a regular listener.

I missed it this week.

If you're in the foreign areas...

It's a program where people compete to be the lackey of a sort of man what makes computers.

Sir Alan Sugar.

But one of the things that I find amusing about it, and this is a bit late in the day to be making this comment because they choose their team names in the first episode, is their team names.

Right.

Apex.

Pinnacle.

Stuff like that, you know?

And when they make phone calls and they use their names of their stupid teams on the phone, hey there, this is Alex from Sheen.

That's what my team would be called, Sheen.

What would your team be called?

What, Sheen from Richmond?

No, just Sheen as in Sparkle.

Right, not East Sheen.

Glass, maybe glass.

Mine would be called... Can you invent words?

Yes.

Ambitaliser.

The Ambitalizers.

Yeah, because they're like visualizing their ambitions.

I'd call my team the winners with a Z. Uh, or the Visualists or something like that.

The winners with a Z is good.

But it's always Apex, Pinnacle.

What are they called this year?

I'm not sure.

What are they called?

Claire knows.

She's coming in.

They're called Zenith.

No.

Renaissance.

They're the stupidest names in the world.

That's good, man.

That's the world of business for you, though.

But it's too generic.

You wouldn't hire a company just called Pinnacle, would you?

I would, because they're the Pinnacle.

They're right at the top there.

I think the other one's Alpha.

Alpha.

That's right.

Not Beta.

No, that would be the second best.

That would be the beating.

Yeah, and certainly not Sita.

Does that exist even?

I don't know.

Beta does.

Alpha.

Sita.

Team Alpha?

What would be better than Alpha?

uh alpha plus yes alpha alpha plus uh yeah um uber alpha uber alpha plus mega alpha that would be good if the first team named themselves alpha second team came out with uber alpha plus the first team would be furious and then if they were fighting over some kind of contract uber alpha plus would get it you know what would be better alpha max uh yeah uh this is jeffrey calling from team alpha max we'd very much like to order 400 tissues

And we want to get them for a fiver.

I love their haggling, their business haggling.

When they were in the souk the week before last, all their tactics are, you know, I say to you, you're a man in the souk.

I say, how much is this carpet, please?

And you say, I say 400 pounds.

400 pounds?

Can you make it 200 pounds?

No.

Oh, bye.

That's the extent of their haggling.

But I've only got 200 pounds.

No, I'm sorry, 400 pounds.

That's it.

Okay, bye.

We've got to go on a celebrity apprentice.

Is there a celebrity apprentice?

We've got to make it happen.

There must be one.

I wanna go, we'd win, and we'd call ourselves Team Maxi Alpha pads.

Well, they did invite us on the, um, on the, on the one, Celebrity Your Fire.

Did they?

Yeah, but I haven't heard back from you.

No, they've booked big names.

I think they got accepted.

We only get put on programmes if someone drops out at the last minute.

That's true, that's true.

They're desperate.

They're the dropout guys.

Coming up soon listeners, text the nation, uh, but first of all, here's some real music.

Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

My brother knows Karl Marx He met a million Muslims in the playbook park He said, what do you think about my manifesto?

I like an manifesto

Sultans of Ping FC with a bit of, uh, enjoyable indie fun from the north of England.

Uh, that was from the early nineties.

Where's me jumper?

It's called.

That's how they pronounce it.

Where's me jumper?

Well, there you go.

That's how to speak.

If you're in the countryside today, uh, only joking people in the north, please don't hurt me.

Now here's the jingle for tax the nation.

Text the nation!

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

Get a museum email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Yes, it's Text the Nation time.

This is the part of the show where we offer you a kind of a premise and you write things and send them to us and we read them out.

We stole this off Danny Baker.

Yeah, he invented it and we're the second show to do it.

So don't worry if it's frightening or confusing in any way.

The subject of Text the Nation this week is sort of juvenileia.

Right?

Can you think of a better term?

Like stuff you authored when you were a kiddie.

Juvenile fiction.

Yeah, I don't know about you, but I was quite a precocious, uh, child.

Brass.

Didn't know my limits.

Yeah.

Reckoned myself as a bit of an auteur.

And I think maybe a lot of other listeners out there were the same.

You know when you're young and you discover sort of books and plays, you discover the idea of authorship.

that people actually go out and write these things and then their names are put on books in big silver letters and it's all exciting and stuff and if you've got ideas above your station you try it yourself so I'm talking listeners about things you self published or authored when you were a child for instance

I was very keen on comics.

I decided to launch my own comic in my household, which consisted of my mum and dad and my brother.

Thought that was a perfect readership, that I'd issue a comic every week.

It was called Foxy.

I didn't know the connotations of that word.

It was just out of kind of a fox, a gentleman fox.

It's got an X in it, so it's always good, you know, with that age and an X in.

And I think it was about, it was maybe two or three, eight, four pages folding up in half and stapled down the middle.

And I drew every copy by hand.

So it was actually about a fox man.

Yeah, that was the lead character.

Right.

Foxy.

And I think it had letters and puzzles and stuff.

The letters might have been quite pointed complaints about my brother messing up my room and stuff.

But I think it lasted for two weeks, Foxy, and it circulated in the Cornish household.

Then when I got a bit older, I got a bit obsessed with Tintin and stuff like that, so I invented a character called Fogo.

Fogo?

And he was like a boy detective.

And he went round the world and he had a series of novels.

Where'd you get the name Fogo, like Phileus Fogg?

I don't know, Fogo, he was cool.

Phileus, rather, yeah.

And the Fogo novels were a smash hit with my mum, she was very keen on them.

I used to laminate them using cellotape.

you know cuz I couldn't afford actual see-through sticky back plastic or so I just wrap sellotape round them very carefully because now of course the the top layer would have peeled off and it's just yellow crust and yeah that happens right but I think my mum still has have fog their foggers adventures imagine how much our first edition of fog oh imagine or foxy

Well, they're very limited.

I think foxes lost.

There may be one copy of foxes in the British Museum.

Do you reckon?

In the British Museum!

Yes!

Not Forbidden Planet!

No!

And then after that, when I got a bit older, maybe 11, I tried to write a Frederick Forsyth-style thriller.

Was it sexy at all?

It may have had an erotic scene.

In fact, that may have been where it ended.

Because I couldn't get beyond it.

I couldn't concentrate.

It was called The Jigsaw Man.

Oh, hey, that's a real film though, is it?

Very possibly.

I thought that was a brilliant idea.

It's that the opening scene was on an oil rig.

And a man is murdered on the oil rig.

And all he's murdered for is an envelope containing a piece of a jigsaw.

Isn't that brilliant?

Is it brilliant?

Yeah.

I thought it was at the time.

How old were you?

Maybe 11 or 12.

No.

So we'd like you to send in whatever happened to that promise, eh?

We'd like you to send in things that you authored as a child.

So describe us if it was a series of something or a character you made up, or a play that you wrote, or maybe you tried to write a film script, or you tried to write music, or something you authored when you were very young that you can still remember.

I'd especially enjoyed if it was the name of a character and an adventure they went on.

And if you couldn't quote any of it, of course so much the better.

Hey, how about this?

Can we expand it to poetry as well?

Poetry, what you wrote when you were sort of under 13, 12 or 13.

I mean, I suppose so.

You know, in case, I personally did not write poems when I was that age, but in case we have any super precocious... You must have tried to write some kind of a book, didn't you?

The only thing I wrote something...

uh called the bog roll chronicles there you go i was at school i got a big roll of pink toilet paper and it was mainly the act of doing it that i was interested in rather than the story and i just wanted the the idea was to write a story that lasted the entire length of the lavatory roll without breaking any of the segments off you see

And I wrote it in baro.

I finished it.

It was amazing.

It was an amazing kind of performance piece more than a story.

I think the story was rubbish.

Can't remember what it was called.

It was no, it's just called the Bogro.

And it was about me and my friends at school.

And and it was about what were you going to be doing five years in the future?

Because I was obsessed with the song five years by David Bowie.

So it was all about us meeting up in five years' time in Leicester Square and finding out what had happened to us.

And we were all famous.

We were all film stars.

Alison's become a film star.

She's beautiful.

She still loves me.

Sounds good.

Have you still got it?

Somewhere I do, yeah.

Or did you run out of lavy paper one day?

worse came to the worse.

So that's text the nation.

The text number is 64046 or the email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Now here's a free play.

This is by Fleet Foxes.

You played Fleet Foxes free play the other week, didn't you Adam?

May have been this one.

Was it?

I was worried about that.

I think yours was maybe from their EP, Sun Giant, because this is their album that's not out until next month.

But if you did play this, I don't mind, because it's so good.

It's brilliant.

This band are really great.

They're a bit like Cosby, Stills and Nash meet The Beach Boys meet The Proclaimers.

Bill Cosby, Stills and Nash, is that what I said?

Crosby, I forgot they are This is from their forthcoming album Fleet Foxes by Fleet Foxes.

This is called.

What's it called ragged wood?

There you go

That is really good, that Fleet Foxes album.

If you like that kind of thing, you should get it when it's released next month, because it's really good.

Am I to make that clear?

Told you you'd like it, didn't I?

You did.

Adam picked it out of the inbox and gave it to me, and it's a big smash in our house.

It's both.

W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W... W...

I want to go, I want badges and hats and... I'm gonna be a big fan of that.

I will take several fun toot horns, but they won't be in my mouth.

They'll be in my pocket!

A sick, sick, sick woman.

What if there's a visible release, Adam?

A physical release?

There may well be a physical release during Food Fox's concert.

Hey listen, can I just read you a few emails that have come in in response to the worst song wars in history?

Could this be the worst song wars in history?

Could these be the worst songs ever written?

Here's one email that's coming from Gareth Jones.

Hi guys.

Joe's song is about as exciting as a dialing tone.

It's hard to believe that the creative genius behind Dr. Sexy has turned out something so utterly devoid of merit.

As for Adam, while it was nice to hear the return of the country Christmas party time voice, I can't make up for the fact that the tune sounds like something that could have been a theme to a show such as going for gold in the 80s.

Having said that, the longing

What?

The longing of the closing, why can't we live forever line, did resonate with me slightly.

So he's voting for Dr. Buckles.

Wait a second, is that Gareth Jones as in Gaz Top, I wonder?

Probably.

Yeah.

I can guarantee that Gaz Top.

He's our target listener, Gaz Top.

I'd be delighted if you would.

Tim Bunce, another one.

He says, Adam and Joe, I'm going to have to go for Joe's song this week.

Extraordinary behavior.

Told you.

I love how there's a different option depending on whether you are over or under 18.

However, you still have to sing both options.

That's great.

You've found something to love.

It's also a nice alternative to get a song in return for the out-of-tune singing we shower the person celebrating their birthday with.

Adam's song was very irritating, although listening to Adam's voice began to strain as the song got more and more high-pitched was rather amusing.

Says Tim.

And finally, Paul Rosie says, Song Wars has been patchy in the past, but this week you've reached a new low.

I cannot bring myself to vote for either.

Please do not play them again.

Yours, Paul, from Hastings.

Fair enough, Paul.

Well, I think we are going to play them again, though.

I really don't want to play mine.

Nobody wants to hear mine.

They do.

I think, again, I think we should do an audio commentary.

We also have the option of cutting it short.

So I'll sing something else over it.

Here's a trail.

BBC Sex music.

Forget the night.

Live with us in Forest of Azure.

I was gonna say that myself before, but... That guy's got extra drums, hasn't he?

Uh, Jim, last one set of drums, I think.

Really?

Yeah, there's extra toms there.

He slipped in a couple of juicy toms.

That was the doors with the Wasp brackets, Texas radio and the big beat.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's time now for the news read by Rachel Matthews and Andre Payne.

On digital radio and online BBC 6 Music.

Text the nation!

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

It's Text the Nation time.

Before that, you heard Morrissey.

What was that Morrissey song called?

All You Need Is Me.

Morrissey, the grumpy controversialist from Los Angeles.

Is that fair enough?

It's an accurate description.

Thank you.

Text the Nation this week, listeners.

We're asking you about Juvenilia, great works of literature or playwriting or screenwriting or drawing or anything really that you did when you were, you know, very young.

And one's come in from Caroline.

This is a fairly straightforward one.

Just to set the tone, Caroline Wright.

She says, Hi, Adam and Jo is a small child.

I was quite a prolific writer, authoring numerous books and collections of poetry.

Perhaps my finest work, my opus, if you will, was a series of novellas about a character called Colin the Pancake.

These stories chronicle the lives of Colin and his pancakey pals.

I believe my mum still has the first editions.

Colin the pancake is a good idea.

I would not think of writing a book about a pancake.

Yeah, imagine.

What is it about a pancake that suggests?

Nothing.

There's nothing about a pancake that suggests anything.

I like the fact that the mum still has the first visions.

My mum has a draw with all of my books, Fogo and possibly Foxy, in there.

Mothers are probably the only people who would treasure such.

publications.

Yeah.

Don't you think?

You did the gruesome gang as well, right?

That was in my later years.

That was an exciting comic strip.

Yeah.

That was very good.

It was based a bit on DR and Grinch from 2000 AD.

Do you remember that strip?

No, I never read comics, you see.

Good comic.

Here's one from Steve Curran.

He says, when I was about five or six, I attempted to produce a series of action force inspired comic books.

Now, what's action force?

Was that a figure or a comic?

I think it was probably a sort of Boys' War comic book.

A whole alien world to me.

His action force inspired comic book was called, open quotes, capital letters, Stephen!

Exclamation mark, close quotes.

Brackets naturally, I was the hero.

That's a good idea for a book.

I have a vivid memory of being halfway through drawing the title page for one edition when I was called into the next room to have my dinner.

No doubt with the word Steven Less action-packed when I returned I discovered that my older brother had made his own contribution to the page completing the half-written title STEP with in poo Step in poo very clever, but I still haven't quite forgiven him yours Steve Curran.

I would have been a hybrid the Steven had an exclamation mark Yeah

That series of films would rival up on films.

And the Bourne films as well.

And the Bourne films.

Matt Damon is... Steven!

And you could have like a lightning strike.

Yeah, when people got in trouble they would shout, Steven!

Yes!

That would be one of the scenes.

Steven!

yes i'm in trouble okay hang on i'm coming exclamation mark you can get morrissey to be in it as well why because he's called steven really yeah he would relate to that easily wow that's a very good idea i think you should uh keep the film rights available for that steve

Yes!

Here's one from David Millen.

He says, when I was about 10, I wrote a screenplay heavily influenced by the Die Hard films.

It had way too much swearing in it, dragged on for about six pages, during which the narrative completely crumbled.

It included the lines, quote, Holy crap, I've been shot, and quote, call for backup now.

Those are good lines.

You're fine with those lines.

What are you talking about?

Then, trying to get it published, I sent it off to one of those newspaper advertisements which said writers get paid per word in a vain attempt to earn some money.

They sent it back, did they?

How stupid of them.

Hey, it couldn't have been worse than Die Hard 4.

It could have been worse than a lot of stuff in cinema.

Stephen!

Yup!

Here's one from Hannah.

How old was he when he wrote this?

She, Hannah.

Hannah.

Younger.

My parents feigned interest in him quite convincingly, but my siblings were less kind, taunting me for my obsession with Chip.

However, I may have been blessed with literary talent, but my artistic skills left a lot to be desired.

As a result, Chip was, well, a stick man with a top hat.

Nevertheless, he lived life to the full.

Do you think it chipped?

Do you like the sound of chip?

No, not so much, not so much.

It sounds a little bit dull, no offence, Hannah, but maybe for girls that would be a better story.

I don't know.

Why?

You know, they like things like that.

Jay Sutcliffe says, my teacher at age 10 frowned upon my cartoon character, Peter the Pervert.

I didn't know what a pervert was, so he was just a slightly evil-looking toff who played with other people's feelings and minds a little.

I think he wore a black cape, top hat, monocle, and sported a pencil-thin moustache.

I can't remember what happened in his only story, but given that my name is Sutcliffe, I perhaps now understand by Miss why Miss whatever her name was troubled.

Yeah, that's a good point.

I didn't understand what the word pervert meant for a long time.

And I agree with you that a guy with a top hat and a monocle would be just about the same.

You can get arrested for that these days wearing a monocle.

Let's have some more of those in a while.

Right now, here is a free play for you listeners.

I chose this one.

This is a band called Bent.

And... Hang on a second.

What's this band called?

Well, it's a duo.

They're an electronic duo.

It's called Bent, and they do a lot of fairly gay-themed stuff.

This is not an overtly gay-themed song, but it's a good one.

And what's the album called?

I don't recall it, maybe their debut album, but it's really good.

All their stuff's pretty excellent.

I don't know if they're still around anymore or not.

I hope they are.

But anyway, this is the first track on their album, which is called... Ooh, look, I'm being handed it right here.

Ah, there we go.

Yeah, Program to Love is the Album, which is a smash.

And this is the first track on there.

You can kick it off now, Jude, because it has a kind of a mellow beginning, you see.

And this is another kind of holiday track I was thinking.

This is so bent.

It's a little bit bent.

It's called exercise one.

That's an absolute peach.

Exercise one by Bent and of course Bent is still going.

I was just reminded of their trap last year.

What was it?

To be loved.

There you go.

That was very good.

And who was it that just texted us then and emailed us?

Ben in London.

Ben was saying yes of course they're still going and he was remembering that Bent when they were

promoting their first album.

A good idea might be for Jude, our producer, to present this programme.

Yeah.

And we could just chip in, you know, with bits every now and then.

But when it comes to actual facts and knowledge... Yes, that's true.

She's the linchpin.

She's the woman.

For David linchpin.

But anyway, Bent, when they were promoting their first album, they had tokens for drinks at the bar, which were nine bob notes.

You see?

Bent is a nine bob note?

Exactly.

turning all those nasty, um, homophobic insults back in people's faces, right back in their- right back in their faces, just like what they deserve.

Uh, we're in the middle of Text the Nation, we're asking you to send in, uh, examples of childhood authorship, books or comics or plays, films even, ambitious projects that you embarked on as a child, um, and perhaps never finished, or perhaps did finish.

Are you ready for some more, Adam Buston?

Steven!

That's the new action film, uh, franchise.

It's big, it's gonna blow all the others out of the water.

It's very exciting.

Um, his friends call him Steve.

No.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, so don't expect him to be called Steven all the way through the film.

Well, that ruins it, doesn't it?

My name's Steven.

But you can call me Steve.

Ooh.

Well, no, that's just maybe for the sex scenes.

Right.

But there are a lot of... I've noticed there are a lot of sex scenes in Steven.

There's an unusual amount.

He spent more time having sex and solving problems.

It's one of the interesting things about it is the franchise.

Oh, Steven.

Steven.

Steven!

Oh, dear.

Okay, here's some more that have come in.

This is from Neil in North London.

I made a tabloid paper called the Daily Scandal, aged 14.

It was full of salacious filth, and now I'm a journalist.

That sounds very, uh, convenient.

I'd like to know more about that, Neil.

What, was it full of scandal about your family?

Daily scandal.

That could be very divisive.

Is that real scandal?

I remember doing a parody of The Sun newspaper.

Nice.

Was it called The Scum?

No, it wasn't.

Because I thought that would be too obvious.

Guess what I called it?

The Um.

What?

What the hell was I thinking?

How does that work?

U-U-M.

That's what my... That's good.

It's clever.

It's less obvious.

It's much less obvious.

It's all the way down the other end of the obvious scale.

Here's one from Lucian Levington Spa.

Hi Adam and Jo.

When I was eight, I entered a poetry competition with a poetry with a poem entitled, When the Black Seagull.

This was about birds dying in oil spills.

It goes something like this.

When the Black Seagull cries, so will I. When the Black Seagull dies, so will I, so will I. Ah, I was waiting for that.

The repetition.

From Lucy.

That's quite good, isn't it?

That's very good.

Sounds very emotional.

How old is she?

She doesn't say... No, eight.

She says she's eight.

Eight.

That's amazing for eight, isn't it?

She's got the whole... That's all you need to know about poetry right there.

Things like that are very emotional when you're a child.

You can't believe the seagulls are dying in the oil slicks.

It's worth a repetition.

When you're grown up, you still care, but less.

So will I. So will I. Alistair McAllister.

Could that be real?

Well done if it is, says authoring, eh?

I made up a detective duo called Egghead and Nuts.

Egghead was a giant egg in big boots and his sidekick was a little yellow man who wore a cap and smoked a pipe.

Their meeting place was the shed at the bottom of the garden and they travelled between missions on a bogey, brackets, northern word for go-cart, made from an old door.

I never wrote a word, but drew some fabulous elaborate pictures.

Never wrote a word.

Egghead and nuts, yes.

That's very good.

That could be big.

That could easily- So that's a ragdoll production.

Come on.

Stuart and Cambridge, uh, The Adventures of Knight Rider and the Ewoks.

Okay.

I was seven, and there were about six illustrated short stories.

My mum still has some.

He's way ahead of the curtain.

He's mashing stuff up.

That's like AVP.

It is, isn't it?

Knight Rider and the Ewoks.

What would they be crammed on the backseat?

Does Knight Rider even have a backseat?

They say that he walks... Michael, who are these strange furry passengers?

They don't say, ooh teeny!

That's the jar was.

They say just... Hi Adam and Jo, I wrote a book of poems called Say It With Snails.

From Helen in what wall is he?

That's it!

Say it with snails!

What would you say with snails?

That could be the world's most unsuccessful shop.

What's she gonna do?

She's not spelling words out with snails.

She's just sticking them on to things.

It's a book of poems called Say It With Snails.

That's what I'm saying.

Hello, we need to know more about Say It With Snails, if you could say something with snails.

What was that laugh, Jude?

Jude's losing control.

Here's another one.

Adam and Jo, I wrote some super spooky Halloween music on my dad's synthesizer with me saying that ghosts were going to get my school friends.

When I was seven, I was prevented from taking it into school to play.

Too terrifying.

After a successful campaign orchestrated by my school friends' parents on the phone to my parents.

It was banned for threatening that his friends would be got by ghosts.

I've never understood how ghosts can get anybody.

I mean, they can't touch anything.

They're intangible.

They can get your mind, though.

Have you not seen like the grudge in all that stuff?

Oh, no, you're right.

They get you easily.

That's true.

Yeah, here's one more.

This is a good one.

I'd like to know what Robin's doing now, though, if he's up to that kind of shenanigans at seven.

That's true.

Maybe he's some kind of electro rock star.

Yeah, that's the kind of thing that Chris Cunningham is probably doing.

Here's a final one.

When I was 12, I created a computer games magazine at school reviewing Spectrum and C64 games.

I called it Thallium.

Named after the chemical element.

I sold three pre-copies for 50p.

It never got made.

I was £1.50 up though.

I put it towards a copy of OutRun.

We've kicked off our summer festival ticket giveaway, and right now you can register online.

touch the sky now is that better or worse than just move on up by kurtis mayfield well that's an interesting question isn't it because uh... it's very obviously heavily samples i'd say that it's uh... not necessary i'd not necessarily better or worse i would say that it's uh... worse would you he he he he not that much worse but you know and uh... and that's anything cause move on ups very good

Um, that's sort of enjoyable, isn't it?

A bit of Kanye West there, but it's not as good, though, is it?

I mean, if you're gonna have to choose one of those two tracks, you may as well just go for Move On Up.

Yeah.

Don't you reckon?

I suppose so.

Uh, I mean, even the Jam version.

Was it the Jam or just Paul Weller Solo or the Style Council that did a version of Move On?

Probably the Style Council.

Style Council.

I like that, though.

Kanye West would touch the sky.

That's alright.

It's not his best single.

No.

Listen.

But it's still good.

When it comes down to it, that's all I was saying.

In a battle to the death.

Yeah.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music, by the way.

Um, and it's still a little bit overcast.

I'm a little bit disappointed with the weather.

Um, sorry about that, listeners.

I get easily distracted.

I feel like an old bit of seaweed hanging from a bean.

From a rafter.

Was it easy?

I went shopping this week, I went on a shopping trip folks and I went into lots of high street stores and I was on a mission because in fact the weather was being disappointing and it was a little chilly and this is exactly what we were talking about last week, one of the downsides of summer sometimes is that you're ill-equipped clothes wise, you think it's going to be a scorching day, you go out in your shorts and your t-shirt, the night closes in and it gets a little chill, everyone's still sat outside

It does get cold in the evening, so take a jumper.

Please, please take a jumper.

Please take a jumper.

It can be very deceptive.

Plus, the air conditioning in the cinemas is really very cold.

So even if it's a hot day and you go into a shop or a mall, do take a whirly.

You know, the worst one is sometimes when it's very hot outside and you go into the supermarket and the temperature plunges.

Especially in the ice area.

In the ice area, you are stuffed.

If you haven't got a food section, if you haven't got a cardi with you,

You know, and maybe you thought, I'm not gonna take a cardiander, because what am I gonna do, tie it round to my British supermarkets?

Or, uh, you know, or you'll round my waist?

No, I'm not gonna do that, I'm gonna not take a cardi- Anyway, so I was trying to remedy the situation by just buying some clothes on the spot, right?

I just thought, I'm gonna go into a shop and I'm gonna buy a sweatshirt.

just to help me through this cold spat that I found myself in.

So I went into a popular high street store, beginning with a G, with two other letters after it, and rhyming with rap.

And, uh, not Gap, though.

A different one.

Um, and I was looking for some clothes there, and a lot of the, and the, the sweatshirt that I was most keen on getting, right, was just a very plain green one.

Didn't have, like, a big logo all over it, so I thought that'd be good.

but i noticed that they they they do this thing now with a lot of clothes this isn't just the store that i went into this is a lot of other stores do this as well is they do like little distressing things customized it's very fashionable yeah right faded ripped faded ripped but in exactly the same place over and over again so you look through the racks right and you look at these sweatshirts and each one of them has like a little distressed nick in exactly the same place or

What is that all about?

It's very trendy.

Yeah, but explain to me the logic.

What are they thinking?

They've all been to the same wicked club, which has wooden walls in New York, and they're splinters.

And if you lean it in the coolest place to stand in that club, if you lean against that particular bit of wall, it rips your jumper there.

I mean, I was very close to purchasing this item, right?

Because I thought, this is a nice, nice item, I like the colour, etc, etc.

But then I thought, I can't, in all good conscience, start purchasing clothes that are pre-distressed.

I tell you, if you were a hip-hop fan, you could buy an article of clothing that would have, this is a bit tasteless, but it could have bullet holes.

Right.

Of where your favourite hip-hop artist was shot.

Do they really exist, those things?

No, I'm making it up.

Oh, I see.

And it could, you know, R.I.P.

I bet they do.

B.I.G.

Yeah.

And it would have to bullet holes in exactly the right place.

Right.

Yeah.

Would you have blood stains on there?

Yes.

Yes, he would.

I bet you they'll probably turn up in the high street very shortly, I would imagine.

Have you ever bought anything pre-distressed like anything with a logo on it or whatever?

A sort of iron-on patch that looks as if it's faded.

No, I draw the line there.

Yeah.

I do my own distressing.

Of course you do.

My life's quite distressing enough without having to import it.

Because the whole philosophy, presumably, of these things is they want these items of clothing to look like your favorite old sweatshirt or your favorite old t-shirt.

And it has to be like that, you can't just say your.

It's got to be your favorite old blah blah blah.

But that's insane.

If you start buying your favorite old sweatshirt pre-your-favorited,

then things have gone wrong.

The most terrifying thought is, who is distressing them?

Right.

And it's some little Indian kid, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

For no money.

Well, it's probably not a sweatshop.

The ones I was looking at, it's got to be robots.

Really?

Yeah.

Because they were exact.

I mean, every single little bit of distressing was identical from shirt to shirt.

It's ridiculous.

It's cool mental.

What's the world coming to?

Well, that's what I want to know.

Thanks a lot, Tony Blair.

The sooner that guy's out of office, the better.

Thanks a lot, Al Gore.

Millennium Dome.

What a disaster.

Absolutely.

The congestion charge.

That I saw.

Ridiculous.

Thanks, Al Gore.

Now, here's a pigeon detective.

They're putting everything right with a track called This Is An Emergency.

If there was a real emergency, that song would not be a legitimate way to raise the alarm.

I think it would, you see.

Would you think it would clear the area?

Definitely.

No, well, it wouldn't clear the area, but it would make people aware that something serious was happening, and also people would enjoy it while they were being made aware of that.

Maybe it should be installed into alarm systems.

Definitely installed into the Thames flood barrier, you know Did you see you didn't see that show the other day with David Suchet in it?

No, it's usually All about what would happen if London flooded flood.

It was called flood.

It wasn't a show it was a pretend Sort of TV film.

It was a show that was on TV.

Yeah to have Robert Carlyle in it.

Yes.

Yeah being all serious That's right.

Looking worried.

They were all looking worried.

They're all doing their best to look worried.

Was it good?

Well, I only watched ten minutes of it, but... Was it good, though?

The ten minutes I saw was some of the best TV I've ever seen.

Really?

I like to film the day after tomorrow.

I like the idea that global warming... We think it's gonna take ten years.

I like the idea that it might actually suddenly happen really fast.

That's right.

So fast that it chases you down a corridor.

Yes, exactly.

Global warming's chasing me down the corridor!

That's a good idea.

Sounds like a joke, doesn't it?

But that is actually what happens in that film.

To great effect.

Yeah.

Two thumbs up.

Absolutely.

No, you can have all sorts of films with very worthy messages that actually made those... Just heighten it.

...into real things, like a big racism monster.

Right.

You know?

Racism was just a big, scary, cloud chasing people.

What colour would he be?

Well, he would change colours.

Ah.

It would be all different colours.

Of course.

Because there's all different kinds of racism.

Talking of taking things to the max, is that what we were talking about?

Do you mind if I say to the max?

There you go ahead.

That sentence was sponsored by Pepsi Max.

That was a jump.

There are other Coke products available though.

Solar products.

Oops.

Anyway, we were talking earlier about creating a team of magician superheroes that would protect Britain's interests.

Paul McKenna.

Because there are certain people in this country who clearly have power, but they're using it for greedy reasons.

Paul McKenna, Darren Brown.

Well, Paul McKenna's being more altruistic.

He'll help people quit smoking and stuff.

Darren Brown's a very selfish man.

He's clearly got very strong powers.

That's right.

And all he's using it for is Late Night Channel 4 Entertainment.

Exactly.

What about Paul Zenon?

Paul Zenon?

Yeah, he also has terrific powers and he's being very selfish.

He's being very selfish.

What a selfish man.

Paul Daniels can only think of himself.

Why is it with the pawns?

They've all got special powers.

They've all got powers.

Anyway, we were going to have Tanya Byron.

She's just very clever.

That's a mental power of a kind.

And Jeff Capes, because he's strong even though we think he...

Has a moth farm or something?

Breeze budgies.

But that's a power in itself.

Anyway, so they're going to team up and become a kind of British task force to deal with problems.

I'd like to have Richard Maidley involved.

Why?

Well he's got powers.

There's no perception, yeah.

But you know when TV shows, I'm just ignoring that, you know when TV shows kind of run out of steam, like with all the Channel 4 cooks, they got them together and had a big cook-off?

That's right, yes.

Why don't they do that with magicians?

Yeah.

Why don't they have Darren Brown versus David Blaine?

Right.

Or maybe Paul McKenna versus Chris Angel?

Well, you know, our British superhero team should be teamed up against against against Blaine.

They should have a big fight in the middle of a high street, maybe an Oxford Street.

Right.

And there should be buses and neon signs that they can throw around or throw people into.

You know, the streets should be cleared like the climax of Ghostbusters or Superman two.

Yeah.

And they should just face off.

They wouldn't be allowed to prepare and this would be live on television.

What do you think they would do?

They'd just stand there looking weird, wouldn't they?

Blaine would paint something on his hand and show it to Brown.

You didn't see Blaine recently when he was on TV holding his breath underwater thing and he did a whole interview with a gum shield in.

You know a gum shield?

And I think he said he was wearing it at night because he was grinding his teeth.

But he chose to keep wearing the gun shield while he was doing an interview on that.

Darren Brown would make David Blaine beat himself up.

Definitely.

Or kill himself.

Brown could turn his brain in on himself.

Brown could take Blaine in seconds.

He would play a mind game that Blaine hadn't even thought about.

Blaine would hold up his hand with an eye drawn on it in pencil.

And Brown would say three words and Blaine would get to his knees and weep.

It's true, isn't it?

He flirts to his knee.

What would happen with Deron Brown versus Paul McKenna?

What if you cleared Regent Street and faced off Deron Brown versus Paul McKenna?

Wow, can you imagine the sparks?

They both stopped smoking and they'd sleep very well.

That's for sure.

Exactly.

Wow, that's exciting prospect, man.

The Mind Boggles.

Let's have a free play.

This is from Gorky Cygotic Monkey.

They're a Welsh band who recently split.

That's very sad, isn't it?

Wasn't so recent, though.

How recent was it?

About over five years ago.

It's a great shame.

They've split into brilliant fragments, but here's their first album from...

97, was it, Barofundal?

This isn't their first album, though, I don't think, but it was around then.

It was around 96, 97, yeah.

This is called Better Rooms.

Forky-psychotic monkey from their album Barofandal.

They were ahead of their time, man.

That's amazing, isn't it?

Lovely recorders there.

Even though they were heavily retro in a lot of ways, you know what I mean?

Their notion about what people were enjoying listening to, the way they picked certain bits of retro, their psychedelic, folk-y stuff, is now so in fashion.

True, isn't it?

They were just too ahead of the curve.

And that's over ten years old.

That is way over ten years old.

And when I said it was their first album, what I was trying to say was it was their first album that I bought.

Right.

It was actually their third released album.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

It's confusing, because the earliest one is called Patio, but it might be a compilation of their early stuff.

They're all brilliant, those albums, by the way, listeners, if you're not familiar with Gorgis.

And now it's time for a bit more of this business.

Text-a-nation!

Text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

On Text the Nation, this week listeners were asking you to email or text in your juveniles, things that you wrote as a kid, books you tried to write plays, you tried to write screenplays maybe.

We'd be really interested in sections from them.

I'm interested to know the characters and the names and stuff like that that you came up with.

I've hand-picked three emails here.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Here's one from Will Turland.

He says, when I was about eight, I wrote a story called The Fifth Dimension.

I was the main character, and all of my friends had supporting roles.

The story revolved around a magic cupboard which would take us to the fifth dimension, a strange world full of blue mist, due to the fact that I'd drawn all of the pictures in blue pyro.

When my mum pointed out that it had some similar ideas to a certain C.S.

Lewis novel, I became very angry.

I remember shouting at my mum that it was a cupboard, not a wardrobe, and that was completely different.

I later wrote a story called Space Chronicles, which was basically Star Wars.

I wrote myself in as Luke Skywalker.

I guess plagiarism wasn't something I saw as a problem back then.

Yeah, plagiarism's never a problem.

It's what you do with someone else's ideas that counts.

It's a way to learn, to copy something closely.

That's right.

It's a way to make learning fun, right?

Yeah.

Yes.

Right.

Here's one from Prue and Gas.

They spell their name Prue with a, with a, you know, apostrophe and apostrophe.

Prue and gas.

Hi, guys.

Uh, this is from Lex.

Why is it from Prue and Gaz then?

This is the most confusing email I've ever read.

Maybe he's using Prue and Gaz's... Maybe.

Maybe he's burgled their house.

He's using their computer.

Hi guys, I used to write loads of stories when I was a kid.

And of course I created actual books with cardboard covers made from old cereal boxes or the cardboard inserts that used to come in packets of pantyhose.

Nice.

And graphic renderings of my stories done on the front in crayon.

The one I distinctly remember was a story about my visit to Mars.

It wasn't really very interesting, because basically Mars was exactly like Earth, but everything had different names.

I ran through various fruits and jungle animals, and then caught my rocket ship home, contributing absolutely nothing to the knowledge base of space travel, except that grapefruits were called brazilus.

B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-

Let's not dwell on that.

Here's one from Leon Trigg.

He says, My childhood literary speciality was simply transcribing books in full, such as Day of the Triffids.

But when I got to the age 11, I decided to progress onto creating what I considered to be my own original work.

I created a magazine that looked at the life and career of Arnold Schwarzenegger to date.

It included photocopied pictures and transcribed interviews from bodybuilding magazines.

As always suspicious the highlight was the letter section which included questions I'd written to myself Such as dear Leon is it true your parents once met Arnold and I heard that muscle turns to fat when you stop exercising Leon will Arnold ever get fat

My answers were thoroughly researched and respectful.

Yes, they did indeed meet Arnold at Miss Olympia in New York.

And don't be a prat.

Muscle and fat are two completely different parts of the body.

I made a killing with the publication.

All 25 copies sold for 25p each at school.

That's over six pounds to spend in the tuck shop.

That's good, man.

Very impressive.

Isn't that good?

I'd like to read that magazine.

Absolutely.

Well, listen, if you can send us a copy of any of these things, we'd be delighted.

We'll come back to that.

Yeah, where do people are the addresses would be on the website right six music website?

Yeah, you know if you just write BBC remember like it gets to the BBC in Britain doesn't Adam and Joe big British castle See see if it gets to us actually that would be a good thing wouldn't it just to test the postal service Yeah, someone wrote to us just but Adam and Joe BBC brackets big British castle see That's all you're allowed to just for the price of a stamp right music time now before the news This is pixies with number 13 baby

Got hair in a girl that blows to her bones in a cold... It's time for song wars, the war of the songs, a couple of tubes

Song Wars time.

Sorry about this, listeners.

But, you know, that's the way you go.

Some people like them.

We have had one or two emails of people who actually like the songs.

Mostly people who prefer yours.

If you didn't tune in earlier in the show, listeners, this is officially the worst Song Wars ever.

Not only in terms of the choice of subject, it was chosen without due thought or care.

Or maybe we shouldn't blame the subject.

I think maybe we... It was a good subject.

We were both enthusiastic about it.

We both thought, hey, that's a good idea.

Write a new birthday song.

You know, I was going to play you listeners the song from Look Around You, the popular BBC 2 show, who did a whole middle verse to Happy Birthday.

Yeah.

But we'll play that when we come back in a couple of weeks' time, maybe.

Frankly, if we play it, it's going to make ours look even more rubbish.

Right.

Which we can't do.

Usually what happens on song wars is maybe one of us will have had a busy week, but the other one will have been able to give over the necessary amount of time to create something decent and listenable.

So, you know, even if one of us is total rubbish, the other one might be decent, but this week it's sort of head-to-head.

Yeah, I think yours is a lot better than mine.

Yours is funny.

Mine isn't even funny.

It's just winsome and just horrible, and I'm going to speak over it now.

So, what?

Winsome is good though.

Let's just get mine out of the way.

Just press play.

Press play.

And I'm gonna continue to talk over it.

At this point in the song, I thought it was good.

I like that rhyme.

I was enjoying the harmonies.

I thought it had a touch of, you know, beach boys about it.

But you know what it reminds me of?

This Paul McCartney wings.

Yes, wings.

Isn't that nothing bad with that?

But then by this point, with the prezzies, I thought, well, that's naive and, you know, maybe some people will find it sweet.

Uh, Melvin Bragg, are you Melvin Bragg?

I am, though.

And you're asking me about this song.

Yes.

What were you thinking about here, Joe?

Well, I've got to start this interview, Melvin, by saying that The South Bank Show really has hit new lows.

What?

Just because we did a thing about...

No, because you're doing a thing about this.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

I quite like this bit, Melvin.

You know, because on your special day you can act like a kind of mad tyrant.

And I do, because no one can argue with you.

This bit's horrible.

I really loathe this lyric.

It makes me hate myself.

Let's have a listen.

No, let's not.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

No, that's awful.

Why do you say, why do you say, why do you say, pass the parcel there?

Hey, that was a sound effect I put in.

What was the question, Melvin?

Why do you choose to say pass the parcel instead of pass the parcel?

Pass the parcel.

It's just a part of my genius novel.

What is a parcel?

Oh yeah, that's a good one.

The last lyric's alright.

Joe, can I sing happy birthday to you?

Were you disappointed at all?

Was there an element?

Oh God.

Let's never hear that ever again.

To what extent were you being ironic with this song, Joe?

Completely.

Whatever you want, whatever you want.

And because your previous effort was Dr. Saxey, which was extraordinary and I wonder over a lot of it.

Listen, it's the kind of cross between Melvin Bragg and Lauren Laverne.

I've come across a lot of people the week before, but this effort seems to be strange.

Were you going through some kind of crisis when you wrote this?

Yes, I was.

I was going through a drugs and alcohol-induced crisis of one of my friends that had taken it some.

I was having to help him through a tricky patch.

That's amazing, man.

Well, okay, now listen.

Yeah, it is amazing.

Here's my one.

You're going to talk through this one?

Yeah.

That was the last thing I did was put that toot horn on the end there.

I thought, well, if I put a sound effect on this, I'll raise up the game a little bit, you know?

Yeah.

Otherwise, the backing track, this is a trick that I've used only once before for my other worst song, War Song, which was the one about the Loch Ness Monster.

I used the... I used to think... I like that song, You're Mad!

Really?

Can I be Makita Oliver interviewing you?

Okay.

Is that her name?

Yeah, Makita Oliver.

How good is this?

Thanks very much, Makita.

Is it true, Makita, that you're a little bit terse and grumpy in real life?

Wow, how great is this?

You're very attractive.

I'm loving this.

Yes.

Thank you very much.

So I used a cue chord for this Also known as an omni chord and it's an amazing bit of kit.

Can I say that?

Yes that you can get in a music shop and it's it's basically it changes the chord when you just have to hit a button it'll change the whole chord of any song pattern that you're playing and it's got like it's got various song patterns loaded and

So it really is the ultimate.

Brian Eno is very fond of me.

Really?

I'm one of the many similarities you have with him.

Yeah, but he doesn't use it quite so witlessly as I do.

Right.

I let it run and then just randomly press different chords.

Yeah, I like this bit.

So is this a bit about dying?

Yeah, this is when I'm going up to E and B.

Wow, this is like that show where they are going to modulate again now in a second.

What's that show where they get the master tracks of something and then get the producer to talk you through it?

Classic albums.

It's like one of those.

I love those shows.

nearly finished there you go so that was my birthday time yours is good i think yours deserves to win send your votes in either adam or joe to adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk but if you can't be bothered then that's fine we're not going to get upset there's nothing really at stake this week we're just pleased that it's out of the way yeah it would have been an option just not to play them again we should have spoke to each other in the week and just called the whole thing off i did think about it you should have man in future i'm always happy to call it off

Well, we might have made one person happy, who knows?

And if that's happened, it makes up for all the people we've made angry.

Probably Private Ryan.

Now, here's Vampire Weekend with their superb song, Oxford Comma, with the swearing removed.

That's good, isn't it?

I mean, you can't go... That's a classic single, right?

Is it out?

Uh, yeah.

This must be on the album.

Must be, um... And the album's out, riding high on the charts.

Yeah, but I'm wondering if it's out as a single and how it's performing in the charts.

I've got... Do you know what number one is?

Singles anymore.

Uh, number one... If the Ting Tings are at two, Madonna's at three.

I'm not sure who's at number one.

This is on the iTunes charts.

Who would be at number one?

Probably Rihanna or something like that.

The iTunes chart's not the same as the national chart, though, right?

That's the only one I personally pay attention to, though.

I've got absolutely no clue what's at number one.

It's probably my doggo and timble cake in the show Do you see her at the radio one big weekend banana?

Yeah?

No, that's everyone else on the every radio station the world must have talked about her so-called guitar playing So embarrassing she was doing some awful song about Guy Ritchie going to America and it had the most uninspiring video projections behind her just of close-ups of package tags and

Oh, come on.

I'm a feminist icon.

Especially when she's got the actual guy who really is playing the guitar, just standing clearly visible to her left.

Well, it's just a kind of showbiz flourish, isn't it?

No, but she wasn't.

If there'd been strings on that guitar, or if her hands had come in contact with the strings, that the noise would have been utterly ridiculous.

I think she can play guitar, though, Manana.

But she famously did some live at one of her concerts, didn't she?

But she seems to have... she doesn't bother anymore.

She's not bothering, she's concentrating on the calf muscles.

Yeah, it's time to wrap up Texanation.

What if I don't want to?

Is that a problem?

Yes, so we've been asking you about things you authored as a young child, books, plays, film scripts that you wrote when you were, say, like under 13.

We've had a lot of responses to this, so I haven't been able to read them all.

I'm sorry about that if I didn't read yours.

But here's a good one from Matt from Old Trafford.

When we were teenagers, my friend Trev drew a cartoon called The Adventures of Champa Hadley.

His catchphrases included, Astronomy Udah!

And mine are also satchel rands Wow it also featured a badger in a gas mask.

I've never forgotten it on astronomy udah There's a whole film emerging here

Hi Adam and Jo, I was a vile little poet as a child, says Natasha in tooting.

I would deliberately leave my works around the house so that my mum's visitors would read them and praise them.

I also clocked that I'd seem cleverer by not using rhyme.

My poetry career peaked at 11 with the publication in the school magazine of my two greatest works.

These were The Nihilistic After the Holocaust.

Oh brilliant.

Whose opening line was Desolation, despair.

and the inadvertently erotic climax of the night a description of fireworks night that's good i bet they were greatness i bet they were good uh shell says i won't compare this won't compare to steven

But my only mature contribution to the world of theatre was Grease 3.

I wrote it with my friend Emma and we put it on at our youth club.

I played the lead role of the good girl who is led astray by the cool girls and tries smoking.

We even made fake cigarettes by putting talcum powder in cotton wool, wrapping it up in a tube when you blew in one end the talcum powder puffed out the other to look like smoke.

Very good.

I don't remember much about it now, although I do know that some parents of the other cast members made a video, so there may be proof of it still.

The song by the main character brackets, me, was sung to the theme music of Grange Hill.

Not the old music, the new mid-90s one.

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

I wish I was tough, I wish I was tougher Then I'd be cool to hang out with the cool kids I wanna smoke fags til I cuz I look- Was it like that?

I don't know, was it like that?

Shell.

Is that Hannah?

Her name was Shell.

Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell, Shell

Yeah, go on.

Yeah?

Uh... Okay, here's a depressing one.

When I was 12, I wrote a punk song called I Don't Wanna Be Taken Away brackets by the men in white coats.

Rather prescient, I was sectioned at 28.

Oh, man.

P.S.

They don't wear white coats anymore.

That's an anonymous text.

It's fine to read that out.

Mental illness is a thing that happens in people's lives and people get over it as well.

Jude?

All right.

I don't think that's how I meant it, Jude.

That's not right to say that.

Jude, you're fine.

So there we go, thanks very much for all your texts and emails on that subject.

If you've got something that you've, if you've been, if this has inspired you to look through boxes and dig something out, then please scan it in or copy some stuff across, and when we come back, we're away for two weeks, but when we come back, we might read some of our listeners' greats early.

When we come back, Mike Reed will be live in the studio reading some of your jubinilla, possibly.

Wow.

We don't know who's going to fill in for us, do we?

We don't, it could be anybody.

It's exciting.

Imagine if it was out in deck.

Imagine.

They wouldn't be allowed there, would they?

No, that'd be bad.

The most evil men in the world.

They're Britain's most wanted men.

Which one do you think is more evil?

Uh, the evil-looking one.

And?

Yes.

He's the one that schemes it all.

The other one's too weak to resist.

That's what's going on in his high forehead.

Evil.

You're evil.

Evil, thinking of new ways to rip people off.

That's what he's always thinking.

Such a shame.

I'm joking, I love Antony Deck and I think it's such a shame that they're good names.

They're evil.

It's not their fault.

It's Robbie Williams' fault.

Now, is this my track?

Oh!

Holger Chu-Kai?

Yes.

Now, can we have a consensus about how you pronounce this guy's name?

Holger C-Z-U-K-A-Y.

I would say Chu-Kai.

I'll agree with you.

Zouquet?

I'm not sure.

Anyway, he's one of the founder members of Can, of course, and this is from one of his solo albums, all of which are extraordinary and odd, and this is another kind of slightly holiday-ish song.

It's called Cool in the Pool.

It's very odd.

Check this out.

Spart, or let us get trapped.

On to dancing.

Spart.

That's Cool in the Pool by Holger Zukay.

Not sure exactly how you pronounce his name.

And don't forget listeners that Adam, you're a proper holiday, right?

A proper holiday.

You're very lucky.

Thanks very much.

So we're away for a couple of weekends, someone mysterious will be filling in, but we'll be back in three weekends' time.

And we've got to say thank you to Leon Trigg, who if you were listening earlier emailed in about his homemade Schwarzenegger tribute magazine.

He scanned the whole thing in and sent it to us, and we haven't laughed so hard in the studio for a good while.

It's quite the funniest thing I've ever seen in terms of self-published mags.

And we're going to try and put that up, Leon, with your permission.

We're going to try and put it up on our 6 Music website so other people can share the joy.

Yeah, so if you could email us, just let us know if that's all right.

Yeah, it's absolutely extraordinary.

We had some great stuff sent through, so thank you so much for all your emails and texts as usual.

You know, we're spoiled by your efforts.

and we really appreciate them.

We'll be back in a couple of weeks.

Thanks for listening.

Liz Kershaw is coming up and have a great couple of weeks.

Love you, bye.

Bye.

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