The Adam and Joe Archive - adam_and_joe_20080510_bad

I love you go from Mars.

You're so attractive.

You've got four breasts and the big green hair and you do leave space-aged residue in the bed.

But apart from that, I love you.

Imagine the tentacles though.

That's what I've been imagining.

That's why I'm so tired.

And she could cook that much faster.

Could she?

But she might not know earth recipes.

No, but she'd come up with new types of things.

She used a new type of oil.

That wasn't her.

Was it not?

Who was that?

I don't know.

Some other bloke.

Just a bloke from Mars.

Just a bloke.

No, just from a penge.

From penge.

A bloke from penge.

That was the follow-up single, I think.

I love you bloke from penge.

That was Ash, by the way, listeners with Girl From Mars.

And this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Good morning.

Let's open the show with a weather report from Adam Buxton.

us.

time and our friend Mark kept on saying don't worry it's gonna burn off.

Well we got obsessed and I don't know listeners whether you've ever done this on a cloudy day with occasional patches of sunshine we got obsessed with chasing the sunshine.

Yeah.

So we actually tried to drive and and race the clouds and then when we got ahead of the clouds we'd stop jump out of the car and sunbathe momentarily on the bonnet.

It would be an emergency sunbathing session.

Then as soon as the clouds passed over again we'd jump back

in the car and accelerate ahead to try and catch the sunspot again it wasn't that successful a holiday sun-wise but it's gonna be a scorcher this weekend so they say right everybody says that yeah everyone does and it's gonna be a scorching show as well that's not necessarily true but it just made sense yeah to link it like that we've got all sorts of records coming up music you know you remember music

And we're going to resolve the thing.

Song Wars as well.

Song Wars will be resolved, plus there's going to be a text donation and all sorts of exciting words.

We've kind of reinvented the wheel, haven't we?

Radio-wise.

Have we?

Yeah.

I mean, with all these things that we've got, these features, no one else really does that, do they?

It's unlike any other show on the radio.

Even though it appears to look exactly the same, outwardly resembles everything else.

Inside it's completely new, but let's crack on with the music.

See, that would be a good description of this next band.

What?

Hot chip.

Crack, on crack, crack on.

Hot chip, what?

Yeah.

Completely new on the outside, but inside, you know, containing many retro parts.

That's true, and these guys are playing at all tomorrow's parties in Canva Sands.

Tomorrow, I kind of wish I was going to that.

They're so hot right now.

This is hot chip with one pure thought.

That's hot shit with one pure thought.

It sounds like the song of a man to me who's worried that his brain is basically a sewer.

It's a very light song.

Yeah, but that's to disguise the fact that the subject matter is very dark.

Is it?

He's troubled because of the filth in his mind.

And he's looking for just one pure thought to redeem him, you know what I'm saying?

Because almost everything he thinks when he's watching the telly, he's distracted, he's thinking about doing dirty things to all the people in the soaps and Alan Sugar and all that kind of stuff.

Does he thinks that Alan Sugar?

Yeah.

Really?

You know, because he's attractive Alan Sugar.

He's like a nookie the bear.

He's got sexy wrinkles.

He does, doesn't he?

And he's powerful as well, and people love power.

You know, they're attracted to power.

He's angry.

People like anger.

Did you watch The Apprentice this week?

Me?

Yeah.

Of course I did.

We should talk about it later on.

I mean, I'm sure everyone has, because it's kind of a classic of all time, but we should talk about it later on.

But talking of dirty thoughts, we're gonna be revealing the winner of Song Wars very soon.

Song Wars last week was a sexy episode.

A sex episode, as they say.

I tried to shorten that, it didn't really work.

Sexy soda.

Thank you.

Sexy soda.

And so that's coming up.

That's exciting.

It was erotic songs.

Erotic songs that were suitable for broadcast on a Saturday morning show.

Yeah.

And yours was genuinely erotic.

There was something... Did you think so?

Yeah, Dr. Sexy.

Baroticism is in the ear of the listener.

As you correctly pointed out, you know, doctors, nurses, the whole world of hospitals does have a license to pro... to pro.

Exactly.

They're like aliens in that respect.

Aliens have a license to pro.

Hmm.

Yeah, no one complains about it.

No one can complain.

People like it.

People do.

They go on programmes and talk about it.

Pro... what?

No, carry on.

Keep talking.

So, yeah, speaking of which, one of my favourite band names is Dave Grohl's heavy metal offshoot, Probot.

That is a good name.

My Scrabble name... Who has Scrabble names?

I'm not even going to explain that.

But my online name as well is Jobot.

Jobot.

Yeah.

You are like Jobot.

Does that make me a bit like Dave Grohl?

A little bit.

So listen, after this next track, I think we're going to resolve Song Wars.

And I've got a pretty good idea who's going to win.

I'm not that confident this week.

I think it's going to be closer than you think.

You reckon?

Yeah.

Well, we'll find out after this track.

This is the first of my free picks for you listeners.

This is... This is the beginning of the track, right?

This is Shaky Hands.

They're from Portland, Oregon, and this is a track called Wales Sing.

Hope you enjoy it.

I do.

I'll tell you whether I do.

Start Shaky Hands.

Start now.

Start playing now.

Yes, it's time to reveal the winner of Song Wars.

It was an erotic Song Wars last week.

Adam and I both attempted to write songs that would be at once verbally clean but also get people a little bit hot under their collar.

And I would say confidently that I failed to do that.

I disagree.

Your song, I'm just flicking through some of the emails we've got here.

I'm a bit lazy and thick so I haven't really prepared them.

Hey, I'm a bit lazy and think as well.

Really?

We should do a show together.

That's a good idea.

You could be lazy and I could be thick.

And we could rotate every now and then to keep things fresh.

I'd rather be thick if it's alright with me.

Okay.

Alright, we can do that.

Thanks.

But you've got a lot of fun.

For instance, here's one from Phil Davies, who says, I vote Adam's dirty robots.

Joe's, inverted commas, sexy singing style, just didn't tingle my twang.

Well, you need your twang tingled.

You've got to have the triangle.

Otherwise there's no sexiness.

Here's another one from Martin Koot.

He says, for geek points, I think Adam wins.

Dirty robots.

In fact, it's not far off a Beck track from Midnight Vultures.

Can't remember the name.

I think I decided you'd won when you made me feel all scuzzy.

Scuzzy.

Oh yeah, thanks very much.

That's a good lyric.

However, Raymond from Wandsworth says, I think Joe's song is clearly the winner today.

It's the filthy bass line that did it for me.

Plus, I think Joe's generally the more smutty of the two.

So he's generally more qualified in this particular area.

Unlucky, Bucky.

Thanks to everyone who writes into us, you know I love getting emails.

Do you remember when you were a child?

And getting a letter was the most exciting thing in the world.

Yes.

You'd send off for any kind of free thing, anything that came through the door addressed to you.

I'd be jealous of Bill's, my dad got.

Any bit of communication.

Yeah, I'd be jealous of anything that anyone was posted.

Now, on a Saturday morning, it's one of the things that helps me get out of bed and get into the studio.

Can't wait.

Are you elated by all the spam you get during the week as well?

Don't get too much spam.

Do you not?

No.

Have you got a nice filter?

I tend to purchase things anyway.

Right.

The pills.

Yeah, I've got lots of pills.

But anyway, where are the results?

Do we have the results?

Thank you very much.

We should have some kind of a suspenseful jingle or a drum roll or something.

Here.

We're all rolling now.

It's very exciting.

I'm opening the envelope.

Go down to your piece of paper.

Take your paper out.

It's 36% to 64% with Dr. Sexy as one.

Dr. Sexy as one.

That's why I can live with that.

That's a good result.

That's not bad.

That's justice.

I would say that that's a good slice of delicious justice versus communion.

So now we have to hear Dr. Sexy again, and I apologise for this, but this is, you know, paint this erotic picture in your bed, maybe if you're still in bed and you're near your loved one.

You can make love during this.

It's the perfect length.

One minute 30.

Here's Dr. Sexy.

Is doctors ready to see you if you'd like to go through?

My name is Dr. Sexy I got just what you need But I ain't got no medical degree Know what I mean?

A diet knows that you have sexy disease

And the wearing of tight jeans Would you pop this in your mouth?

Don't worry, it's clean It's just a thermometer Oh my god, no, she's hotter than anyone I've ever seen No, it's tortillas Is your diagnosis the same as mine?

Yes, Dr. Sexy It's outrageous And I think she's so high

I can't take it, I can't take it And I'm feeling the urge to get naked That kind of talk's inappropriate, I still do What kind of doctor's surgeon do you think this is?

Sexy, sexy doctor, doctor sexy Oh yes, I really forgot My name is Dr. Sexail, but I'm not NHS This is a private practice, now pop off your vest

Can I try an experimental technique I learned in Japan?

They got me talked to sexy, and I sterilized my tools.

Let's break some British Medical Association rules.

Stop to sexy, you'll be struck up for that.

Sounds good.

Cool me down That is sexy.

You can't see this listness obviously, but I'm actually nude now Adam's nude He's smearing Marge all over his body.

It's not very nice.

It is very nice Yeah, well the Marge is nice Marge, but the sight of the me smeared with Marge is not.

Well, you know Marge on a very hairy body it creates sort of clogging and clagging That's a nice song title

Marge on a... Marge on a hairy body.

Yeah.

I think that's an album.

Maybe that's a sophomore's thing.

And you've seen a bit of a sexy picture of you, like smeared in Marge.

What brand of Marge do you prefer?

Well I would actually go for... No, we can't name a brand.

No.

But I definitely think something that isn't genuine Marge.

Something olive based I would go for.

Yes.

You know, the nice low cholesterol alternative on a hairy body is good.

So that's it for Song Wars until next week.

We've got to figure out what we're going to do for next week now.

We invite your suggestions for themes for Song Wars next week.

The email is adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

So send in those suggestions.

We've got a kind of lot already here that someone's put in a file for us so we'll go through them maybe a bit later.

Maybe something apprentice based.

I had an idea, but we'll do this later.

Okay, okay.

And we'll figure out something for next week.

It's trail time.

Is this a documentary about Jam and Lewis?

Let's hear it.

to be honest I wish I was a little bit taller really I don't I don't I'm not bothered about having a rabbit in a hat with a bat though I would mind one of those would you if there's a doctor listening Adam would like to be a little bit taller I would like to be a little bit shorter and I think it would make a wicked Channel 5 or 4 documentary yeah celebrity documentary where some of me is cut off and fastened to you

to make you taller and some of me is that work is yeah exactly and then and so we're both equal heights you know how they do it these days is they make an incision in your scalp and they put stuff in there they put like a little bit of foam in there or something stuff you use to in packaging to you know if you're sending a fragile

I'm not exactly sure what they put in there, but I'm being serious.

This is what they do.

Rather than breaking your legs and extending them, which is one brutal way of doing it, they extend your head.

So they give you a longer head.

Like a cone head.

Yeah.

And this is supposed to... Well, how do you know this?

I read it in a thing, a mag.

In what?

Some kind of a... What mag?

News mag.

I swear to you it was in the newspaper and yeah, they think that's true It doesn't work for people with long faces because then they look insane so if you've got a face that looks sure I would be perfect for it because I've got a roundy face, right and I'm like a Randy Randy roundy face and Me Jimmy car what they call you Randy roundy face.

That's what they're gonna call me now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oi!

Randy, roundy face!

You rubbish!

I was never called roundy, roundy face at school.

You were just then.

I know, because you're a bully.

I'm a bully.

You're a dirty bully.

So would you, no, you wouldn't be able to have that done, you see, because you're already too tall.

No, what they do with too tall people is they just shade them in a way that makes them appear smaller.

They paint them with horizontal stripes.

Yes, is what they do.

Optical illusions.

They strap kidney-shaped pieces of cardboard.

You know those bits of cardboard where you put them in?

No one knows.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, come on.

Two kidney-shaped bits of cardboard.

You put one on the right, one on the left, and the one on the right seems smaller.

It's a famous optical illusion.

Do you remember?

And then when you swap them round, suddenly the bigger one is smaller and, you know, they strap those to your ears.

It makes you seem smaller.

Okay, there might be something on the news about this.

Yes, it's time for the news.

You've got to be serious now.

Red by Harvey Cooke.

That's just an extraordinary way of singing, isn't it?

I like it a lot.

Bandages.

That's an old classic now.

It is a classic.

Have they done anything as good as bandages?

Bandages!

They did a song called Middle of Nowhere, which was very good as well.

Hot, hot heat, that is.

That's the problem with coming out with... I don't even know whether that was their first single actually, but certainly it's a song that's so good and catchy and unique, isn't it?

It's almost difficult to... Follow that one up.

It's difficult, isn't it?

Yeah, too brilliant for their own good on that one.

They'll bounce back.

I'm sure they will.

The Heatmeisters.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

As we said before, I think the whole of the United Kingdom has been talking feverishly about this week's episode of The Apprentice.

It was an absolute smash.

It was a chuckle fest.

Favourite moment for you, Joe, there?

Oh, I'd have to think about that.

I do, I'm sort of very keen on the contestant called Rafe, who's very posh.

I liked him apologizing for the other guy swearing down the phone.

And I liked his suggestion that they should dress in local clothing.

And then him saying, well, just a suggestion.

I think he's really nice.

Exactly.

He comes out of it very well, even despite all the crazy editing.

Toffs are coming back.

Toffs are back.

Boris is in.

Toffs are back.

He could be in a film though, that guy, Rafe.

What would he be playing?

Just a bounder.

A sort of sexy, thick bounder.

I mean, he could be the new Hugh Grant, couldn't he?

I don't think he's a bounder, though.

He's pure as the driven snow.

Right.

He's too nice to be a bounder.

Well then, he could be... So far, anyway.

That could be the film.

Everyone thinks he's a bounder, but he's too nice.

It's not a very good idea so far, but it needs a little bit of work I think he could take over from Darius in Gone with the Wind.

That's a very good idea.

Or just take over from Darius, generally.

I mean almost anyone could take over from Darius.

That's not true.

No.

I won't have Darius insulted.

He's apparently the best thing in Trevor Nunn's production of Gone with the Wind.

I forgot it was Trevor Nunn, yeah.

But yeah, they could job share.

Ray from Darius.

I had a dream about Darius the other night.

Was it dirty?

No, it was very clean.

I dreamt that he was more or less on the street, actually.

And I bumped into him.

What, like a vagrant?

Like a vagrant.

And I said, hey, how are you?

We met once ages ago.

Don't you remember?

Because I met him once.

And he did remember in my dream.

It wasn't a very interesting dream.

Well, thanks for sharing.

Sorry.

It was an accidental share.

But yeah, my favourite bit, I think, was the whole half-Jewish business.

You remember that?

Yeah, I do remember that.

And did you watch The Apprentice You're Fired afterwards?

Yes, I did.

Was Vanessa Felt like a little bit hardcore on there, or what?

Yeah, I think there's something a bit creepy about Felt.

No, the follow-up show.

Oh, I see.

I think it's a bit of a kind of bear-baiting type thing.

Right.

Even Childs, who I adore.

is being a little bit ruthless with them.

Especially Kevin.

Yeah.

The guy the other week, the only gay in the village guy.

Yeah.

He was basically roasting.

He wasn't too hard on Kevin, was he?

Well, Kevin couldn't really deal with it.

Really?

And then I thought they were a bit... I thought they were very hard on Red-Haired Lady.

They were very hard and sugar... She seemed lovely.

Sugar was hard on her last night as well on Jonathan Ross.

Really?

He said he was happy to fire her.

I'm gonna employ her.

Are you really?

Yeah, to clean my toilets.

She is frightening though.

I couldn't figure out what the whole thing she was doing with trying to bribe the woman to do a bad job.

Oh, that was just a bit of fun.

It was just a bit of fun, exactly.

That was just a bit of fun.

But they played it.

That's the thing.

You don't have a bit of fun in those shows.

You know, I wonder if they suggested it to her that she should do that, you know?

Because they act as if, like, how could you have done that?

You know what I'd really like to see is a behind-the-scenes program.

And I know you'll never see it, because the secrets of how they actually make that show are the key to it, right?

Well, Sugar swears it's all real.

Really, I'd love to see a proper behind-the-scenes show, exactly how they make it.

If you look at the credit roll, they've got about 10 or 11 camera people.

10 or 11 sound recordists.

So they presumably, they film everything, then they edit backwards from the firing.

They find out who he fires and who the three people in the boardroom are, and then they edit, and then they think backwards, don't they?

And edit backwards to the things that they got fired from, and then edit the show according to set up the things that they... And once you know that, you can pretty much guess and see who's going to be fired by the way it's cut.

Because they fired her because she lied about the rackets.

Yes, that's right.

Because that's going over the line, that's crossing the line.

And they introduced that with a big bit of voiceover, which was kind of shoehorned in there.

The other funny thing was there was a lot of swearing.

Right.

The F-word midway through the episode.

Well, who's that ludicrous guy who's like totally young?

He keeps saying, come on!

Come on!

Uh, get in there!

Those phrases should be banned.

Yeah.

He's probably called Jeff, Adam.

Or Lee.

One of those names.

One of these people.

But men should not be allowed to say get in there.

No, not anymore.

Not anymore, it's wrong.

But he started swearing, and then someone else swore as well, said the naughty F-word.

But he said it in such a way and such a tone that it sounded just like the narrator.

But the narrator got carried away, and he was saying the word as well.

I thought that would be a good style of narration where the narrator just started swearing as well.

Hey, take a look into the future, man.

Give it five years.

Next series.

Maybe less than five years in your average show.

Stop being bipartisan as a narrator.

Just get really involved.

The narrators should pick a guy who wants to win and try and bring the others down on the voiceover.

Don't you think?

It'll happen very shortly.

And finally, were you aware of the difference between Halal and kosher?

Yes.

Were you really Halal Hart?

Yeah.

So was I. So was I. Absolutely.

Anyone who wasn't is insane.

He's an idiot.

He's an absolute idiot.

I absolutely knew the difference.

Now here's the raconteurs with your solution.

That's the raconteurs, Jack White and Brendan Benson, obviously.

And that's from their new album, Consolers of the Lonely.

That's the new single that was released on Monday, Salute Your Solution.

That's good, man.

That's a good album as well.

Is it my imagination or is there a lot of good music around this year?

A lot.

It's your imagination.

Is it?

Yeah.

You're just imagining it all.

There's loads, man.

There's loads of good stuff.

It seems like every week there's some kind of new great music coming out.

You know?

You're talking about Dr. Sexy, aren't you?

I'm talking about Dr. Sexy.

It's a very sexy atmosphere in the studio this morning, listeners.

You know, I can see the sun's coming out now.

I told you the mist, the cloud was going to burn off, and it is.

And the summer is definitely, you know... I'll tell you why it's very sexy, because one extra, the BBC's, you know, station, what plays funky music and all that sort of business,

Has come and is doing its show from the next door studio that something's gone wrong in the one extra studio or something It's being refitted.

So they're doing their one extra show through a panel of glass and The tea chase beautiful

She is foxy.

She's really amazingly beautiful.

She keeps dancing to the song.

Everyone's dancing around.

They're all young in there.

It looks like a gap advert.

And they're all grooving about and Dr. Sexy's getting all steamed up.

Dr. Sexy wants to help them present their show.

Dr. Sexy, some of those women are ill.

That one's in trouble and actually Dr. Sexy does need to intervene because she's on a knife edge.

The thing is that Joe is sitting in the studio, he's right next to the glass partition that looks through into the next studio where these people are presenting their show from.

So he's in, like, direct eye line with the DJ, right?

She's sort of sitting equal and opposite to him in the other studios.

She's avoiding my gaze.

And she's studiously ignoring Joe's gaze.

But now maybe someone might text their show or something and say, like, the old men look at my gaze.

The old men in the studio next door are purving at you.

So watch out.

I'm sure she's got sexy disease.

And she needs at least some cream applied.

Oh, steady.

Come on, Dr. Sexy, introduce your free play now.

yeah this is a song all about summer because it's summer uh and this is by the reverend al green uh it's from the belle album 1977 this is lovely it's called feels like summer

So what listener has now texted one extra and told the lady DJ that we are staring at her in an erotic manner?

She's looked over now and she waved hello to Joe because someone texted.

It's all very fun and light-hearted.

But now you're gonna have to spend the next two hours and ten minutes kind of embarrassed about the fact... Not embarrassed.

Dr. Sexy doesn't get embarrassed.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna burn off a copy of Dr. Sexy.

They're gonna be playing that in a heavy rotation on one extra soon.

It's a funky song.

It would suit their playlist.

We're gonna start going out, Dr. Sexy, and what's she called?

I don't know, I could find out.

We better find out, because it's all kicking off.

In your mind.

That was Al Green in my mind.

That was Al Green with Feels Like Summer.

From the Bell album in 1977, the first album.

I'm just trying to impress her now.

Al Green recorded without his regular producer Willie Mitchell.

Oh, you know all about Al Green and his regular producer.

Genergy, is that G-W-E or just the letter G?

Ooh, what's your name going to be then?

Dr. Sexy M.D.

Joey C. Joey C. The Cornballs.

The J. Co.

Joe Bot.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It's trail time right now and then after that we're going to have some exciting session music for you.

Stay tuned, listeners.

Coming up very shortly in the next hour is going to be Text the Nation.

The Nation's favourite feature but right now here's the trail.

Text the Nation.

We just kicked off our summer.

And that's the Squeeze with Hourglass.

It was recorded in session for Emma Freud.

Yeah.

On Radio 1.

Yeah, that was... She was analysing them, you know?

Was she?

Yeah.

Was she really a TJ on Radio 1 in 1994?

I guess... That's her show.

The Lunchtime, of course you did the Lunch, the legendary Freud Lunchtime show.

And that was good, wasn't it?

But it sounds very different to your studio recorded squeeze.

It's not the classic squeeze sound.

There's something going on with his voice and just the general feel of their records that somehow for me didn't come across there.

It's a little bit thin.

Yeah, just a little bit live-sounding, amateurish sounding.

Well, it was live, Joe.

Is that the explanation?

Yeah, it was a session.

I see.

Good, though.

Squeeze.

He was on later last night, wasn't he, Mr. Squeeze Man?

He was on later, yeah, yeah, yeah, along with the far tellies.

Yeah, it was quite a good show last night, didn't you think?

Yeah, the Phartelis were really playing their socks off.

What did they have written on their amp?

Uh, guinea... something Scottish.

It's nice, something... gee... war, nigh, nigh, war or something.

Nae... wanger, something, I don't know.

They had something provocative.

It was... And they looked quite happy about it.

They did, the drummer looks insane.

Really?

Yeah, from the Phartelis.

No, it was good, it was a wicked shawl.

So, um, listeners, Adam and I have been, uh, attempting to do a bit of publicity for our forthcoming Song Wars Volume 1 album that's gonna be on, uh, iTunes and stuff fairly soon.

And we got asked to do a photoshoot for The Sunday Times Style Magazine.

We've never done a photoshoot for a style magazine, or even a stylish magazine before.

We haven't done a photoshoot...

For anything.

For a long time.

We did a photo shoot last year when we joined the big British castle.

And with our stupid faces kind of gurning and pointing, which is what we usually get asked to do.

Yeah.

Before we went to this photo shoot, we talked amongst ourselves and we thought, we decided we were going to try and make the photographer make us look cool.

Yeah, because this is the thing, you know, if you're a kind of stupid comedy duo, people always make you pull faces and stuff and deep down, what do you really want?

is something cool.

The photo of us on the Six Music website looks like a couple of, I don't know, complete idiot children's television presenters that you wouldn't let anywhere near your children.

Yeah, so...

Well, that's not good.

No, that isn't good.

Even if that's what we're like, that's not good, you know?

Yeah.

We want people to be confused into thinking that we're some kind of enigmatic sexy duo.

Yeah.

Enough of the pointing and the gurning.

More brooding.

Exactly.

Like lurking in shadows.

That's right.

That's what ladies find attractive.

Where was I?

So this time we had none other than Peru.

Yes.

Now, if you watch the Channel 5 series, Make Me a Supermodel, you'll know who Peru is.

He's a very fashionable photographer man who was made in that series to look like a bit of a, you know, an eccentric, crazy, trendy madman in person.

He was extremely nice.

Yeah.

Very level-headed.

and really he took some good photos.

He's a brilliant photographer as well because sometimes if you get your photograph taken it can take hours and it's torture and it's one of the most unpleasant things you ever have to do and I wouldn't be a model even if I was sexy for millions and millions of pounds.

He was like one of those doctors who you know when you go for an injection and the doctor says okay well there's going to be two injections first one you won't feel at all the second one might be a bit painful.

Right.

So here's the first one, then of course he reveals that there's only one injection.

That's right.

Peru did that with the... He took the photos before we even knew we were posing.

Yeah.

You know?

And the second we actually knew we were having the photos taken, he would say, well, I don't want to use those ones, because you're trying too hard.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

It was totally painless.

And then the stylist turned up.

Then the stylist, who was an extremely nice man, but he had some bags full of the most ridiculous clothes we've ever seen.

If this is style, then the high street's in trouble.

There's already this thing going on with hoodies and sweatshirts where scribbling on stuff is the way to go.

The more intricate, scribbly design you can have, the more fashionable you are.

You know, as if you've fallen asleep on some kind of daguerreotype, is that the word?

And it's come off on your top.

But you don't worry about it.

That's basically how kids dress these days, right?

One of those scribbly shirts and very tight jeans with one of those metal studded belts at a jaunty angle.

The pants coming out of the top still.

Very tight jeans that make them look as if they're totally out of proportion, even if they're really not.

But that's the effect, is to get the big head.

It's almost the Japanese thing from about 10 years ago.

And then the big kind of goth wedge, and then a hat with as intricate a design as possible, a baseball cap.

A little sort of porky pie hat.

Yeah, exactly.

So we were dressed a little bit like that.

We were dressed like a couple of idiots, but we embraced it.

Yeah.

I felt quite nervous, but then you kind of went for the most ridiculous possible clothes, and the stylist wasn't very happy about it.

He looked worried, and he said at the end, hmm, I was a little worried at first.

That turned out all right, I think.

Because I got a sun visor out of the dressing up bag and I put it on upside down and stuff.

The problem is, and he didn't like it, the point of this rant is that I'm not sure whether in the finished photos it will come across as where in any way joking.

Exactly, it might look like totally unironic two pratty sort of DJ's who think they're super cool and actually we had flowery shoes listeners.

What kind of a person wears shoes with lots of little flowers on them?

Who's a man?

Either a genius or a total prat.

So we'll have to find out.

That's fashion for you though.

We'll let you know when that's in the mags.

It probably won't be until June sometime when the album comes out.

It'll probably never.

They'll probably pull the piece.

But yes, we'll shout about it.

Shout about it.

Wow.

I said that while I was thinking about you saying pull the piece.

That's almost as bad as what was my one.

Let's not go back there.

It's sunkissed.

Quick music.

BBC.

That is Wicked Supergrass with Rebel and You.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

And the sun is probably coming out now, listeners, I'm glad to tell you.

And it's good all over the UK, right?

I mean, I'm not being London-centric by saying it's going to be a hot, lovely weekend.

I think it might be patchy over the West Country in Ireland.

Really?

According to the weather forecast last night, but the weather forecast's often wrong.

So wait, there's an Apache over the West Country.

There's an Indian, Apache Indian, who's doing a massive concert all over the west country.

That would be wicked man, I'd be happy about that.

Apache Indian has hired an enormous Zeppelin and he is playing a live gig on it and he's hovering.

He's hovering over Taunton currently, because that's where most of the Apache Indian fans live.

Excellent.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

I have to apologise to Keith.

We like to get very personal with listeners for being disparaging about Hot Hot Heat earlier, saying that that song, but what I was saying was that song was so good.

I almost made it difficult for them to beat it.

Why, is he upset about that?

We didn't say anything bad about Hot Hot.

He's rightly saying that they've got a lot of great songs and a lot of great albums.

And he's saying that we're going to incur the wrath of Hot Hot Heat fans like you did the wrath of the Aha fans.

I'm not bothered about either of those groups.

Really?

I don't think we're ever going to hear the end of it.

I like hot, hot heat, though.

I'm not bothered about our heart.

But I don't think we offended hot, hot heat fans unless they're clinically insane, like Keith.

I'm joking, Keith.

There's something else to email in about Keith.

I'm just joking there, Keith.

Now, folks, it's time to launch the nation's favorite feature.

Let's start the jingle.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

What are you worried about?

I was going to say that I needed a jingle.

My brain's not capable of understanding the segment unless it's sung and explained in a musical way.

Jingle eyes.

That's fine.

When are you going to redo that jingle?

Well, yeah, well, weren't you gonna chip in?

Maybe.

No, I was.

I was going to, and I was thinking about it last night, and I was thinking, oh, I'm running out of time, and I had to do some things, and... Sorry.

I'll let you off the stick.

I'll get on it.

So listen, folks, this week, Text the Nation, we're talking about the sun, obviously, and the summertime fun that we're all gonna have, but we specifically want to hear about your opinions of the downside, the worst thing

Now, you should contextualise this somehow, because for most people the beginning of summer, especially after last year's washout, is going to be very exciting.

And a very positive thing.

We don't want to come across like a couple of filthy, curmudgeonly washed up old losers.

I mean...

Perish the thought.

But no, you know, I'm just saying this is the flip side.

Obviously everyone loves summer.

Everyone's excited by the onset of summer.

But my problem is that it's too much of one thing or the other.

Like a lot of the time I complain about when it's windy and cold and wet.

I don't like it.

I look forward to a nice sunny day, but I like a nice fairly cold sunny day.

I don't like it when it gets really hot.

You're very weather responsive.

You're like an old bit of seaweed.

I am, exactly like an old bit of seaweed.

Dangling from some kind of a pub.

And when it gets very hot in the city.

A rafter in a pub.

I forgot the word for what a rafter is.

A rafter, a beam.

Yeah, thanks.

A rafter.

So I'm specifically talking about, this is mainly an urban thing, I suppose, you know, when it gets too hot and you're in the city and it's all muggy and stuff.

Yeah, this is almost like a, we need to produce a manifesto for things to avoid about the summer.

To really make this summer the best summer of all.

We need to pinpoint things that are annoying about the summer.

Well, here's a few examples just off the top of my head.

Thing number one, that you always forget about, that is offensive about hot weather, especially in cities, men with their shirts off.

That's totally unacceptable, I find.

Do you not?

I agree.

And, you know, nowadays, no one stands on any kind of convention in that way anymore, so no one bats an eyelid.

But inside, I still think a lot of people are thinking, don't wander around with your shirt off, and more particularly, don't stand in a queue in a shop so you're shoulder to shoulder right with a kind of bare-fleshed man.

Do you know what I'm trying to bring back?

is bring back, they never existed.

I want to invent and market man bras.

I find men's nipples, I don't want to see them.

The bro?

Don't you remember there was a Seinfeld episode all about that?

There you go.

Well, they should bring in the bro as quickly as possible.

In magazines in my house, if there's a topless man, I will draw a bra.

Two black circles over the nipples and a line and a strap.

Just because I don't want those nipples staring at me around the house.

Especially as they have the little tufty hair.

Don't you think, Jude, you're a lady.

Do you like to see men's nipples around the place?

Nipples are fine, I don't like armpits.

Armpits?

They're very close to each other.

All the tufty.

I mean, generally, the men that remove their shirts are sort of hairless, young chaps.

Do you think?

Not in my neck of the woods.

But no, this is the thing that sometimes they are.

They're sort of hairy men.

And it's never in between.

You don't get very many sexy hairy men taking their clothes off, their shirts off in public.

You either get, uh, young, sort of, thin men, um, with not much hair.

Like me.

Like Dr. Sexy.

Like me.

Or you get just old blokes who clearly have no shame anymore and they've just got a big gut.

Like you!

Like me.

But I wouldn't remove my shirt in public because I'm correctly ashamed of what lies beneath, you know what I mean?

I think there's a time and a place for it.

My wife's delighted, obviously.

And she can see it.

Uh, not that she wants to.

But, um, I'm getting into a kind of bad area.

What are you talking about now?

I don't know.

Hey, I wrote a kind of list of things that annoy me that I could run through quickly about the sun.

And it starts with, yes, men sunbathing in the park in their underwear, seeing people's underwear in the street poking up from, you know, under the trousers, or just generally underwear on display, not very nice.

This is with men, right?

All unattractive ladies.

Unattractive ladies, yeah.

That's a bit prejudiced against unattractive people, but there you go.

Do it sexiest.

Dr. Sexist.

Sexiest.

Things in the grass that shouldn't be there.

You sit in the park, you lie on the grass, you think you're having a lovely time.

Suddenly you see some disgusting old fag end or a lump of phlegm or some old ice cream next to you.

Keep the grass clean.

You know, this genuinely happened to me once.

I thought I saw a jewel in the grass.

A jewel in the grass.

That's coming on the BBC later this year, isn't it?

A jewel in the grass.

Their flagship series with Jenny Craddock.

And I'm not talking about like a winsome lady singer.

I thought it was like a little jewel there.

And I bent over to pick up the jewel.

And just before my fingers made contact with it, I realized that it was a group of flies around a dogtob.

The most precious gem of all.

You should have mounted it on a brooch.

Like Damien Hirst.

That's the kind of brooch Damien Hirst would wear.

Well, it looked like something that had tumbled for a brooch.

But actually, it was a group of flies on a doggy tard.

And I nearly grabbed it.

Anyway, carry on.

The other thing that's bad about the summer is rapid stink build up.

Oh, correct.

Everywhere.

Bins.

Clothes, bodies, bins, objects.

Everything stinks a lot faster.

Absolutely.

Another bad thing is loud music.

Everyone thinking they're a DJ.

Open-top cars, people with their windows open playing really loud music.

Ah, I don't like that at all.

And here's the other thing, clothes-wise.

The flip side of the whole thing is when the ladies wander around in their undies, and it's just confusing for the trouser paparius.

Yeah, crashes, car crashes.

I mean, it's just since you meant it.

We've got lots more of these, but do text us with your ideas.

64046 is the text number for Texanation.

Things that are annoying about the summer that we should all make an effort to avoid.

Now here's Feist with my moon, my man.

I like it when there's a little bit of drama at the end of a song like that.

She's run off.

Oh, that was it.

She was leaving.

Yeah, that's My Moon and My Man, or rather just My Moon, My Man by Feist.

Lovely Feist.

We're in the middle of explaining this week's Text the Nation, which is annoying things about the summer that we're all going to strive to avoid so that we can enjoy this one, what seems to be occurring to the maximum.

I was running through a list of stuff.

What was the last one I did?

Loud music.

Everyone thinks they're a DJ.

Yeah, that's miserable.

Everyone assumes that everyone else is going to, like, be in the middle of doing something in their garden.

They'll overhear a record from a neighbour, and they'll go, oh, wicked, I love this record, and start dancing over and over the case, is it?

No.

Something weird about someone you don't know playing music.

For instance, a couple of men on a radio station,

Yeah.

That is weirdly off-putty.

But you make a choice, though, don't you, to tune into those couple of weird men.

Music is a personal thing, you know?

Unless you're choosing to go to a club or a festival, keep it to yourself, please.

Shouldn't have forced on you.

Another annoying thing about summer is when you've got to work indoors.

Yeah.

What cruel twist of fate made exam season during the summer.

Right, it's crude.

Who's thought of that?

What an idiot.

That is ludicrous behaviour.

Much better.

Have it, have it.

When would it be the best time to have exam season?

Well, just before Christmas.

You don't want to be rude, never.

Before Christmas.

Before Christmas, because then you get it over and done with.

Then it's like, absolutely, I mean Christmas is good anyway, but it's total euphoria after that.

It's idiocy to have it during the sun, lunacy, because my birthday is in June, and it always was right in the middle of exams, no one was in the mood for celebrating, it was torture.

Terrible business.

I think when the temperature reaches a certain level, and this is the case in Mediterranean countries, no one should have to go to work, right?

There should be a temperature at which it's actually illegal and physically wrong for people to go inside buildings.

And that wouldn't be counteracted by air conditioning.

What do you mean?

I'm just saying that obviously in hot countries you have air conditioning, in some hot countries that is, and so people go about their business, right?

Yeah, no, I ban air conditioning.

Yeah, good idea.

Well, it's bad for the planet.

Another annoying thing about the summer is Big Brother starting again, like Satan moving in next door.

You know an awful temptress, an evil temptress, will you watch it, won't you?

You have conversations about will you watch it, won't you?

Right.

Just the thought of Big Brother like an awful ticking clock, a dripping tap that's going to last until the winter.

Is it still on this?

Is it?

If they're bringing it back.

Just let it go.

It's awful rubbish.

It does well, though, for them.

Since Jayco.

Does it?

People like it.

It will this year.

Another annoying thing.

Sport on television in the summer?

non-stop sports, personally not interested.

Cricket.

Another annoying thing, the constant temptation to riot.

Right.

Personally in the summer anything will set me off.

Right now I feel like chucking a Molotov cocktail at Jude and smashing this studio up.

Everyone likes rioting.

I'm at boiling point the whole time.

But it's like do the right thing all the time with you, isn't it?

Fins through windows.

Yeah.

With every bun.

Everybody.

Every bun with every bun in the bun.

Yeah, bun fights.

That's it.

That's my list.

Also, I was thinking, are you on top of the whole skin cream thing, sun cream thing?

Do you remember to put it on because you've got to put the stuff on, right?

And I always forget at the beginning of the summer that nowadays the sun is like a vicious thug that comes out and it's as if it's raining knives.

It brutalises you within about half an hour.

If it's a really hot day, all you need now is half an hour in the UK and you're stuffed, you're burned.

You've got to get that sun cream on you.

Otherwise you're gonna get the skin canker and it's gonna be awful.

It's like a giant death ray.

Yeah.

Why do we like summer?

It's like someone's trying to kill everybody.

That's right.

Burn!

Yeah, we're just like ants underneath it.

We should run from it.

A giant magnifying glass.

It's ludicrous.

Anyway, listen.

Keep your ideas coming in for the worst things about summer the more peculiar the better, I suppose.

The text number is 64046.

And right now, here's a free choice for you listeners.

This is XTC from their amazing album, Drums and Wires, and this is the last track.

Hope you enjoy it.

This is called Limelight.

Susie and the Banshees with Happy House, and that's the song that actually christened the genre of Happy House.

But obviously, you know, the Happy House didn't end up sounding very much like that.

It sounded very different in the end, but I'm just talking absolute rubbish that was Susie and the Banshees, and this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Let's have the jingle.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Text the Nation this week is annoying things we should outlaw about summer.

We're not bringing you down listeners about summer.

We think it's wonderful and like you, we're going to be enjoying it this weekend.

But we thought it might be good to draw up a manifesto of stuff that should be stamped out.

We're going to form a police force made of our listeners.

They'll have uniforms and powers and they'll go around stopping various sorts of activities.

And, you know, we're just drawing up a charter of action for them.

Well, we just want to create the perfect summer.

They will have those sticks that they have in THX 1138.

Instead of electric sticks.

Electric prods, yeah.

They have those in Tron as well.

Do they?

Well that's what they're going to have.

They'll have three settings.

Punish, stun, kill.

And those are the three punishments they can dish out.

Punishment, yeah.

Punish, stun, kill.

Yeah.

Well, punish, what's the punish one then?

Just to hit, you just hit someone.

Oh, I see.

Quick shock, like a little electric shock.

Right, right.

Uh, so have you got any- Stun, you actually knock them out for 10 minutes.

Do you?

Kill, knock them out permanently.

That's a bit extreme, isn't it?

It is.

And this would be, this would be for something like, uh, not wearing your shirt in the queue for a shot.

Yes.

You might be killed by one of our policemen.

That's what we're saying.

So you should take these things seriously.

Now, what kind of text responses are we getting there?

Laura says, bad things about some of the smell of hot urine.

That's a good one.

Well, we were talking before about bins and things like that.

What's the matter, Jude?

That was only half the message.

What?

Oh, that's all I can see.

What, does he get sexy after that?

No.

Coming off the pavement.

Oh, right.

Steaming up the pavement.

Well, yeah, that was taken as red.

That's what I assumed.

Yeah, I mean, she's not going to drink a hot cup of... It's not like Summertime is the only time she realizes that she doesn't like the smell.

No, no, it's going to be the delicious smell wafting from cafes and hot dog stands.

Oh, smell of hot urine.

What kind of a world do you live in, Jude?

Someone else who is anonymous says, says, my granddad saying, I like it hot, but not this hot.

Or upon greeting, he says, hot enough for you.

That's true.

Hot weather does bring out dad phrases.

My dad would always complain because he grew up in the country as a lad, you know, and he didn't like... It's a dry heat.

Right.

He didn't like being trapped in the city when it was sunny, so whenever the sun would come out, he'd go, ugh, a filthy hot day.

because he didn't like it at all.

Dads are obsessed with dry heat and moist heat.

Aren't they?

And the difference between the heat in the Mediterranean and the UK.

Humidity.

What is it about that?

There's a whole generation before us that was obsessed with humidity.

Well, the older you get, the more you get the more sensitive you are.

Yeah, exactly.

And you just... Like an old bit of seaweed hanging from a rafter.

Here we go.

The beam.

Here's another one from Helen in Lewisham.

Because the sunny days are so rare, there's too much pressure to be out there in it having fun.

In it.

If you need to stay in, you feel guilty, or you get the feeling that everyone's at a barbecue or a party except you.

Too much pressure!

She puts in capital letters.

Yeah.

From Helen in Lewisham.

That's true, isn't it?

It is.

It's like New Year's Eve all year round kind of thing, you know?

Yeah.

Our police would punish people for pressurising other people into having fun.

That's right.

And they would they kill them?

Well, I don't know, that's up to the individual officer.

With the kill stick?

And his interpretation of the situation.

There is room for, you know, thought, thought.

Have you been pressuring that person and going out and having a good time, please?

Had to kill him for that.

Cool to dispose.

We won't be doing that again.

Ziggy?

Another one from Anne-Marie is Flying Ant Day.

Horrible.

There's of course one day in the year where all the man ants grow wings and go flying around and the lady ants and they all make sweet love in the air.

Mmm.

I don't know whether scientists know what day it is.

I think it's a mystery how they communicate it and how the day is chosen.

It's true, isn't it?

And you get swarms of them.

And if you're riding your bike as well, you can suddenly go through a black cloud of these things in there in your hair.

And if I've got a beard at that point... Or in your beard.

It's all in my beard.

Oh, it's horrible.

That does sound horrible.

Has it actually happened?

Once or twice flying ants in the beard.

It's no good.

No one likes that.

That's nasty.

Here's another anonymous one.

I hate that there's always... I hate that there's always still strong wind in hot weather so that skirts are impossible to wear with any dignity.

That's a lady problem.

I like it.

Yeah, we like that.

Dr. Sexy likes that, surely.

Dr. Sexy likes that a lot.

In fact, Dr. Sexy is creating the wind.

We'll hear some more of your text about things that are not so great... Not in that way.

Just for the big fan round the corner.

I'm just ignoring Dr. Sexy's comments about wind.

It looks as sexy as gonna be in trouble.

Now, here's Vampire Weekend.

They were playing this song, Oxford Comma, on Jonathan Ross' show last night, but they were playing the sweary version, because this features some prominent swearing, right?

I haven't heard the radio version.

I'm interested to see what they do instead of... Is this their new single?

Yeah, instead of the F-word.

I do believe Richard Adoie has done the video.

Has he?

He's a talented video director.

He's the guy from the IT crowd, if you don't know that business.

There you go.

Anyway, here's the record.

Oxford Comma.

That's Vampire Weekend with Oxford Comma.

That's released as a single on the 26th of May.

Jonathan Ross was teasing them, wasn't he, at the top of his show?

He was teasing one of them for wearing different clothes.

Because they're sort of nerdy looking, yeah.

They looked actually genuinely hurt.

They looked uncomfortable.

And then he said at the end of that, he said, Vampire Weekend, a foursome about to become a threesome.

That's right.

And that guy looked really upset.

You don't say that.

kind of thing to groups.

No.

Of course you don't have to say anything you want, but you know, groups, they're very insecure, there's all sorts of conflicts between them.

God knows what horrible things that would have, you know, stoked in the man's brain.

You could see the anxiety in his eyes.

Exactly.

I felt sorry for the minute.

And they're a great band.

Might have sowed a seed in the lead singer's brain as well.

He's gonna split them up.

Exactly.

You know, we don't want too many talk show hosts thinking that you're, you know, a misfit.

If they think you're a misfit, who knows what the public are gonna think?

We're gonna have to get rid of you, my friend, and it all started with Jonathan Ross.

Who was that guy?

Which one of them was that?

That was the lead singer.

Was it?

Oh, so he's probably okay.

Oh, no, no, no, you mean the guy?

No, the guy they were picking on, the guy that was wearing white.

Everyone, the rest of the band were wearing black and he was just wearing white for some reason.

I think it might have been the drummer.

The drummers were always the first to go.

Always the first, they're easily replaceable.

Rossy!

Anyone can play the drums.

Really?

That's a joke.

Uh, Vampire Weekend are playing in town this week.

Uh, where are they?

12th of May at the Wedgwood Rooms in London.

13th of May at the Electric Ballroom.

I can't go to any of these.

I'm away this week, unfortunately.

They are supposed to be an amazing live proposition.

Vampire Weekend, like tight as can be.

So I would strongly recommend you go and seek them out.

I wonder if they're playing any festivals.

Are they in the UK?

I don't know.

Anyway, now, Joe, Dr. Sexie's got a choice coming up right now, hasn't he?

Yeah, it's free play time.

This is a slightly bad audio quality free play, but after the show last weekend, I stumbled upon a showing of a film on ITV2 called The Jerk, a very famous Steve Martin film.

smash and man it was amazingly good I hadn't seen it for years but so funny directed by Carl Reiner who did all the classic Rob Reiner's Dead there you go and co-written by the guy that co-wrote jaws would you believe was it an amazingly funny script and really kind of

Well, it's the sort of granddaddy of those kind of Will Ferrell comedies, you know?

Absolutely, yeah.

Loads of the ideas are kind of, lots of stuff from, er, that, that, that, A Walk Hard, the Dewey Cox story.

Nicked out of the jerk.

Lots of Jim Carrey stuff.

Right.

Wouldn't say nicked, but very, very influenced by the jerk.

And if you happen to have never seen it, then you really should see it, because it really stands up.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

and there's a bit in it where he goes for a romantic.

Steve Martin kind of plays this jerk, this complete loser, and he romances Bernadette Peters, who's amazing as well, and they have this little scene on the beach where he's singing her a romantic song.

He gets out his ukulele.

As you know, in real life Steve Martin is an amazing ukulele fiend, a brilliant player, and he sings the song I'm About to Play You.

and check out the end because he's just kind of serenading her and she joins in, doesn't she?

And then you think the song's ended and then do you remember what happens, Adam?

No, what happens after that?

It's like, does she get out like a trumpet or something?

Yeah, she produces a trumpet and starts playing along and it all starts up again.

There's a little bit of a jockage at the end as well.

I don't know whether we'll play that.

We'll see how we get on.

This is Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters from The Jerk and the song's called Tonight You Belong to Me.

I didn't want to get spit on me.

Sounds like they're by a motorway there, but actually, actually by the sea.

That's Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters with tonight you belong to me from The Jerk.

That's a smash.

Yeah, you got to see The Jerk.

So many good lines in there, most of which are unrepeatable.

My special purpose!

My special purpose?

I'm gonna find a typical run-of-the-mill bastard and I'm gonna shoot at him.

That's not nothing to do with the joke, that Adam's just having a mental breakdown.

This Adam and Jo on BBC 6 music?

It's trail time.

Here it is.

Sunday.

Well done, that's The Ravenettes with Love and a Trash Can.

That was recorded for Gideon Coe as a live session and wonderful.

It was too, although the album version is very good as well.

So even better, maybe, than the session version?

I don't know.

The beautiful one extra DJ in the Next Door Studio, if you've just tuned in one extra doing their show from the Next Door Studio, we're divided by a big glass screen so we can see them very clearly.

You can see us on the webcam if you like.

The DJ's very beautiful.

They've just asked whether Adam is single.

Well, I think they were curious about both of us.

I don't think they were.

I think she was straight for Dr. Buckles.

Really?

Dr. Sexy, she didn't even appear on her radar.

It was straight for Buckles.

And that was pretty much a marriage proposal.

It could have been one of the other members of the team, one of the men.

No, I think it was definitely Lovelina.

Lovelina Sexy Face, as I like to call her.

What's her name?

What's her real name?

She's got energy.

Is that her catchphrase?

Because it should be.

Let's have the text the nation jingle, can we just to clear the air?

Text the nation.

Text, text, text, text the nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text.

And we are asking you to text us or email us about things that aren't so great about the summer.

Now here's a German phrase I'm going to ask you to attempt to read.

I mean, it's by my thumb.

Peuchweitz is the German word for the sweat you get at the top of your body cheeks.

This cools amazingly quickly, leading me to believe Ray Mears uses sweaty bums as a last-ditch supply of drinking water.

I remember the members of Travis used to refer to that stuff as spie.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, and this is the sweat that gathers on the top of the buttocks?

Yeah, yeah.

Around that area.

Just buttock sweat.

Around that area, right.

Really.

That's from Stefan in Brixton.

I'm going to be watching out for that this summer.

No, it's not a pleasant phenomenon at all.

It's revolting stuff.

uh you know another thing that i was thinking of as well and i carry on with the text no you carry on with your thing yeah but i've lost my piece of paper okay emily says i also hate queuing behind smug posh couples in supermarkets buying their posh food for their smug barbecues she's got some mental problems got some chips on her shoulder there i like the idea that uh without saying anything someone behind you might just be

Fuming at what you've bought.

I know.

Well, I often feel paranoid about things like that at supermarkets, and I think, oh, well, it's all in your mind.

People aren't as mental as you are.

Yes, they are.

That's another textination, supermarket psychological problems.

For vegetarians, one of the annoying things about summer is the smell of burning meat from barbecues floating by.

And going on is washing, says the jazz grandad.

Jazz grandad.

Well, listen, barbecues is a whole area that you could talk about.

You said that as if you know the jazz grandad.

Jazz grandad, jazzy grandad.

Hey, how you doing, uh, JG?

But, um, you know, barbecues are great and fun, especially if you're attending them, but if you are putting on a barbecue, if you wake up one day and think, I'm gonna get the barbecue out, give it a quick clean, and we're gonna have some barbecue fun, then you're in for a day of non-stop pain.

There seems to be a class division that summer brings out.

Mm-hmm.

Posh people just like to chit-chat and drink pims.

Mm-hmm.

and enjoy the sound of chattering, chitty-chattering, drifting over summer meadows.

Whereas less posh people seem to want to play loud music, have drink beer, and act as if the world is some sort of a zoo.

And riot.

For instance, here's one from Nick and Cardiff.

There's a house near us that, once the sun comes out, decides to act as if they were in some sort of rap video and put on music really loud and drink outside.

The latter's fair enough, really, but when the music's blaring out from an old Ford Fiesta, I draw the line.

Absolutely.

Class war!

It does, but it all goes off.

It's like, do the right thing though, isn't it?

It is.

I mean, that's one of the ultimate films about tensions in that film.

Obviously it's racial tension, but things spilling over and encouraged by the heat.

This is such an amazing atmosphere of oppressive heat in that film.

That's brilliant for all that.

Yeah, here's another good one, well pointed out by Spencer in Dalston.

He says, showing off in public parks.

Last weekend it was two kiwi blokes practicing their flair bartending.

All of the girls I was with simply mocked them.

Terrible waste of space.

Bartending that.

I thought that had gone away.

I used to be a bartender and we were well into flare flare.

Of course listeners is when you're doing jungling with Tom Cruise.

Yeah, it was big on Britain's Got Talent.

There are a couple of guys doing that that ridiculously nearly one still.

Yeah.

Well, that was last year, last summer.

Oh, right.

And he also points out Spencer.

Also the people who play a drum on their own like the Gemby drum or something.

Yes.

Yeah, I just go out to the park and drum.

Well, everybody loves my drumming.

People do like practicing.

There was a guy in the park the other day and he was juggling.

He was practicing his juggling, but he wasn't very good yet.

Like he was trying to get good.

But he was, it was enjoyable.

And there was people watching him.

And then there was a lady painting a portrait as well, like a young lady.

And she got like a crowd of people gathered around.

Everyone was just amazed that there would be someone actually painting something.

What would the Adam and Jo please do with her?

Would that be a stun, a kill?

Or just a... Or just a punish.

No, you don't get punished for painting.

Well, why are you talking about it then?

I'm just saying that the summertime brings out some of these people.

We're not going to kill them for painting enough.

For self-expression.

It's just untidy.

Well, when you put it like that, maybe we should.

Here's the specials right now with a message to you, Rudy.

Is it?

Or is it Marvin Gaye?

Oh, it's all gone very confusing.

In the end, it wasn't Marvin Gaye or the specials.

It was Nick Cave with the Bad Seeds.

Well, it just says Bad Seeds here.

I don't know if we should just credit the Bad Seeds and not Nick Cave.

But anyway, it was clearly Nick Cave based fun and that was called More News from Nowhere.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Joe Cornish, you're fondling your little book there.

Have you got anything, any pearls?

Not really.

Well I'm just reading a few of these texts about what we should do for Song Wars this week.

Yes, good idea.

And a couple of these have caught my eye.

Here's a quick suggestion from Song Wars.

This is from Shannon from Australia.

It's amazing isn't it that people would listen to our show in Australia.

I mean, it's technically, it's not amazing because it's a small world, obviously, we're all connected by the internet, but still, it just seems extraordinary to me that someone in Australia would listen to our show.

What else should they be doing?

Listening to Australian radio.

Johnny and Wongle's show.

The Johnny and Wongle show.

Yeah.

Good morning, Sydney.

It's Johnny and Wongles.

I'm Johnny.

He's Wongles.

Watch out, because we got a scorching show coming for you.

Here's Midnight Oil.

Wow.

That's what it's like.

It's the number one show.

It's the number one show in Sydney.

The Johnny and Wongles hour.

Here's Midnight Oil.

That's what every link sounds like.

Coming up, mental as anything.

Well done.

That's what it's like.

That's what I can come up with.

Minute work.

Coming up after the break.

It's Johnny and Wongles.

I'm joking.

Australia's not like that.

It's sophisticated.

Anyway, here's... There goes our Australian listener.

Exactly.

Sorry, Shannon, from Australia.

Just a quick suggestion for Song Wars.

She says, how about a theme tune for a TV show?

Lots of chances for cheesy lyrics, not that either of you could be accused of writing cheesy lyrics.

Like a existing TV show, maybe like an alternative theme for a TV show.

We kind of did that with movies, with the exit music we did, but it's certainly a good area, isn't it?

Like a show that needs a better theme tune.

Or I think she's suggesting theme tunes that sort of tell the story of the show in the tune.

Like the Dukes of Hazzard theme or something.

Exactly.

So maybe like an inappropriate application of that kind of logic.

Well, maybe that style of theme tune for a show like Loose Women or something.

You know?

Yeah.

That would be quite an insulting song.

If I were it is.

Here we go.

Morning, guys.

Great show so far.

Says the text there.

Now it's nice.

Claire and Guilford, this is.

It's my 19th birthday.

She's monitoring the show.

She's our quality monitor.

Yeah.

Quality control.

She's got a pad and a pen and a clipboard.

She's drawing a graph.

And a laser stick.

It's my 19th birthday next week, and like many people, sometimes I get tired of the plain old Happy Birthday song.

Therefore, it would make my day if you came up with a brand new birthday song for Song Wars.

That's a good idea.

Now, they did this on the series Look Around You.

One of the writers of that, Robert Popper, wrote a kind of amazing new.

Him and Peter Serafinowicz, yeah.

Happy Birthday song, yeah.

So we could play that.

It starts off, because I remember we were at Peter's birthday one time, and they all sang this happy birthday song.

It started out like a normal happy birthday song, but then they've written a whole sort of middle eight for it, with special lyrics and everything.

It's amazing.

But yeah, we could do an alternative birthday song.

What do you think?

That's a good idea.

I think that's a very good idea, because it's very lucrative.

Yeah.

People, if you want to, you never hear people singing Happy Birthday in films because it's so expensive.

Who owns the rights?

We discussed this before, didn't we?

Everyone's got, some people say, oh, it's Paul McCartney or it's Michael Jackson, or I don't know what, or it's enshrined.

We did find out once, didn't we?

I don't think it's any of those famous people.

I think it's some non-famous person.

But somebody does own the rights.

And if you want to sing it in a song, you have to pay them a lot of money.

So we could write a new one and ka-ching.

Yeah, that's the holy grail for songwriters, surely, to write the new birthday song that becomes the standard.

A couple of other suggestions.

A Eurovision song.

When is Eurovision?

Is that coming up this summer?

Two weeks.

And who's the British entry?

He's a bin man.

Oh, right.

He's the fella off the X Factor.

Yeah.

No, I remember him.

He was a good, good chap.

This is Peter from Kettering saying Eurovision.

I'm sure you've heard this suggested many times already, but what with Eurovision taking place shortly, surely that's got tons of potential as demonstrated by Neil Hannon on the thing he did for the Culture Show.

Presumably they got him to write something Eurovision-esque.

I find that a bit of a broad remit.

Really a bit too broad.

Well, it can be anything.

A song for Europe can be anything.

Well, Peter also suggests a trip to the supermarket, which we were talking about before.

Empty shelves, annoying people in the queues, trolley rage, security guard that always seems to be following you around.

I may have covered supermarkets in European supermarkets.

Of course you did.

The classic European supermarket.

That'll be available on the Sun Wars album.

Lego.

Something about Lego.

50th birthday.

In 2008, these are good suggestions, Peter, but so far, I'm veering towards the birthday thing.

The birthday song.

I was thinking a new national anthem as well.

Oh.

A new British national anthem.

That's a good idea.

Some proper lyrics.

I mean, it's tempting.

That's a bit political, isn't it?

It's tempting just to go into more binge drinking stuff.

Something about Bojo the Clown.

I like birthdays because that needs to be sung by children, doesn't it?

Yes.

It needs to be super simple.

Yes.

It needs to work as a melody without even any backing music, just sung.

That's a challenge.

It needs to be corruptible as well.

You need to be able to make a sort of insulting version of it.

To be hurtful, because it's always good to hurt someone's feelings on their birth.

Well listen, Claire in Guildford, thank you for your suggestion.

I think we're going to go with that.

I think we're going to go with a new birthday song.

Is it official?

Yeah, it's official.

A new birthday song is next week's Song Wars mission.

Right now, here's some proper music.

This is the Velvettes with, he was really saying something.

That's the Velvettes with really saying something.

Didn't Bananarama cover that?

Yeah, they did.

Quite successfully, I think, as well, you know.

Are they still the biggest girl group of all time, Bananarama?

No.

So many questions.

Who would have replaced them, do you think?

Girls Aloud.

Or Spice Girls.

Girls Aloud are phenomenally successful, aren't they?

I poured scorn on them.

I've got absolutely no idea, you know, who's going to be the big ones.

Do you remember when we talked about this before, maybe, when we were doing the Adam and Jo show?

Yeah, you know, like, who's going to become successful?

Oh, when a band first

emerge whether they're going to be lasting or just with them.

Like when we started doing the Adam and Jo show we wanted to do a thing about like having a silly teen band in the studio that we would ridicule and we were offered Atomic Kitten because they had just started out and I said no they are absolutely useless.

Who was the other band we were offered who did it in the end?

Buffalo G. Yes.

Adam Plump for Buffalo G. He put his money on the G.

They were very good, and they did an excellent job.

But Atomic Kitten certainly had a few years in the sunshine unexpectedly, and no, nobody saw that coming, least of all me.

Anyway, here's a free play for you now, listeners.

I picked this one for you.

This is one of the records that we get sent here every now and again.

I listened to it, and it was an absolute peach right the way through.

This is a guy called Jape, and he's from Dublin.

I think his name is Richard Egan.

And this is his third album, Ritual, and he's a little bit like Simple Kid.

Did you ever listen to Simple Kid, Joe?

Yeah.

It sort of reminds me of that, that sort of lo-fi-ish, slightly Beck-folk-y thing going on.

Toytronica.

Yeah.

But not so much, you know?

It's a little more muscular than that.

And in fact, the raconteurs are big fans of this guy, Jape, and they sang this song, I Was a Man, apparently every night on their tour last year, they covered it.

And I can see why it's really got something.

It's got a few prominent swears in it, which I've pasted over with my young son Frank, with some non-controversial talking from him when he was about two.

So I hope you enjoy this.

This is Jake with I Was a Man.

Frankie O'Reilly, what happened there?

Does it end like that, really?

No, it just cut out.

That was part of the Doctor Buckles' remix.

Doctor Buckles decided it should stop dead right there.

That would be quite a good thing.

That's the kind of thing Richard James or the effects of Twin would do, isn't it?

I've remixed your track for you.

It's just silence now, okay?

Here, head round that.

That was good, Frank did a very good job there of providing some, uh, you know, clean, um, bits of verbiage.

Yeah, Jape, that was, was, uh, with, uh, I Was A Man from the album Ritual.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Let's have the jingle!

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Now, we're talking on Text the Nation today about annoying things about the summer.

I say again, we're not trying to bring the summer down.

We're just as excited and... and... in... in... what's the word for enjoying something... uh... Sexed up?

Sex... yes.

We're just as sexed up about the summer.

as the next man.

But we think there are some things about it that are annoying and to make it perfect should be stamped out by a new police force that we've invented today, the Adam and Jo police force.

It's made up of you, the listeners, who are going to send special uniforms and we're going to arm you with sticks.

Summer sticks.

Summer sticks which have three powers they can punish, stun or kill.

And some of our listeners have really embraced this idea in a slightly troubling manner.

For instance, Lee says, I'd happily stun stroke kill any skinny poser who juggles badly or plays with those stick and rope things in crowded parks.

I think we mentioned these before.

Just send me the hardware.

What's wrong with those guys?

Come on, who are they hurting?

I think it's nice if you're doing a little bit of juggling.

If you're a good juggler as well, then that's just good juggling.

I agree.

I agree with you completely.

However, Lee doesn't and he's prepared to go to prison for it.

He's going to use the kill stick on them.

Tim, as well, is very keen on the kill stick.

Bad barbecue food should be outlawed.

I love a good barbecue, but most of the time it's burnt, undercooked or both.

A stun offence on the police death sticks.

Yeah, well that's true, isn't it?

But I mean, it's less about the

food than the ambience with a barbecue.

You know what, I'm scaling down the police force.

I think it would be better if they didn't have a uniform, but they were armed with the sticks and they'd have a big colourful Adam and Jo logo on them.

And at any point in a social situation, they could be pulled out and zzzt.

Right.

And any one of those three settings.

You're not worried that people eventually would resent the police force a little bit.

Well, that's all in the day's work for the police.

Rise up against us.

We'd be the most evil men in the entire world.

What other people are we going to have done then?

Well, no, it's just those two.

Just Lee and Tim are armed with the sticks at the moment.

No one else has embraced the sticks quite so fully.

Here's one from Hannah.

Horrible, ugly, topless boys walking around with horrible tattoos and nipple piercings.

Well, we mentioned this before.

I agree with you.

Yeah, those kind of little scrawny troublemaker types.

It's bringing out the grumpy old men in the listeners, this idea for Text the Nation.

Gary and Mill Hill says, from April to July, I think school kids should be banned from public transport as they are off the stink radar.

Yeah.

Well, it's not just school kids, though, is it?

It's lots of people.

He's not what he means, is it?

He means on the stink radar in a massive way.

No, he means off the, off the scale.

Off the scale, right.

Off the stink scale.

Schools should have decontamination wash posts set up, like in Dr No.

That's true.

Their odour burns my nasal hair.

Yeah, no, that's absolutely true, but it's not just school.

So is it?

It's lots of people who just forget to make proper provision for hot weather in a deodorant zone, you know?

But it's also a problem of what clothes to pick out.

You know, you can go for a day out on a hot day, and you think, it's scorching today, I want to be comfortable, so I'm going to wear my shorts and my T-shirt, you go out, and then it gets to be balmy for a while, and then it's a little nippy in the evening.

And then you're stuffed.

You haven't got the proper clothing to deal with the situation at all.

And it turns into a nightmare!

A living hell.

Kevin in Yeovil says, one of the worst things about summer is sitting in a traffic jam trying to get to the beach and getting so sweaty that you become stuck to the seat.

That's quite evocative for slightly more mature listeners when cars used to have plastic seats.

Final seats.

You used to be able to not sit on them and as a child the burnt thighs, you know, wearing shorts.

Absolutely.

When your skin actually

it sort of peels off them.

Well, what about when you've been to the supermarket, right?

You're helping your mum with the shopping bags, you get in the car, you have to leave the car doors open for a little bit.

But, you know, maybe you'll just jump in there, sit on the vinyl seat, your skin melds to the, is that the right word, meldges?

I asked Milgis is the right word.

With the vinyl.

It's a nightmare.

Actually, here's someone else who likes the death stick I did.

The punishment stick.

They've remained anonymous, but the text goes people with horrid feet on show.

Exclamation mark.

Sunglasses worn on the top of the head.

Now, that's quite pedantic, isn't it?

Is there anything in that?

I think it's fair enough, isn't it, in the summertime?

Well, it's a very practical place to store them if you need to pop them on and off.

I know what he's saying.

It did sort of start, didn't it, in the 70s.

It suddenly started, I think.

It must have been like... Someone must have had the idea to do it.

Did they?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Hey, here's another thing as well that's not so good when it gets really hot is sleeping at night though.

Don't you find it gets really, really hot really quickly and it's impossible to regulate it and then you have to put your windows down but the noise can be very bad if you're in the city then.

That's very true.

Now, Adam, I'd like you to just trail this trail.

Okay.

Now, this is an exciting trail, listeners, because it's about... Hang on a second.

I'm going to trail you trailing the trail.

Oh, right.

In a second, listeners, Adam is going to trail the trail.

We're going to do some jingles for trails, I think.

Yeah.

That will trail... You know, next week we're going to have song wars plus jingles.

I have no idea what this trail about.

It just says BBC HD Gen A. What could that possibly mean?

Is it the new free sat box?

There's a new free box that can get you high definition telly.

I'm excited about it.

Let's find out.

Let's see.

You can now watch BBC favourites such as Torchwood and Euro 2008 in high definition on the BBC HD channel.

All you need is an HD-ready TV and an HD service with a digital box.

For more information go to bbc.co.uk slash BBC HD TV Go cinematic on the BBC HD channel.

They've got Westwood to do that trailer.

Now you're rolling with the big dogs.

They're suppressing the black plastic.

Yes.

Why did they get him to do it?

Because he's high definition.

If it's pure fire, lick it twice.

Tell us about the flavor, Flav.

Tell us a little bit more about Afrocentricity.

Well, you can introduce Public Enemy now, can't you?

Is it Public Enemy?

Yeah.

What do they got?

Here's the P, the E, the Public Enemy, the Flavor Flav, the Big Clock Doctor.

Live and Unplugged.

Public Enemy was with... This is Live and Undrugged.

Yeah, boy!

That's Public Enemy Live and Undrugged.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.

It's time for the news and the music news read by Harvey Cook and Andre Payne.

It's a band called Outcast.

You may not have heard that song before, but it's sure to be a smash.

Hey, I don't think you can play that song too much.

I think that the more you play it, the better it sounds.

Some of the folks in the studio here were complaining that it was kind of an obvious choice.

I said you're insane because this is a brilliant song and people love it.

And when people hear it, they dance.

They want to dance.

as it is true Adam was complaining he thought he thought he think you think it's a bit played out that song to you well it is played and I do a lot it's a smash it's an obvious smash some songs can take that kind of play that kind of punishment I think that one can I think you're probably right I was comparing it to love shack by the beauty 52 yeah that's a bad I like love shack

But it's sort of a wedding song now, you know what I mean?

It's the kind of song that you like to hear at a wedding.

I would include Hey Yarr in that bracket.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe Hey Yarr is so robust as a piece of genius music that you can just play it whenever you want to.

It's also fun to play on the guitar listeners because it's only got four simple chords.

Is that so?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's mainly G, C, E minor, D maybe.

I can't remember.

That's a good one.

Yeah, if you can get all the lyrical rapping stuff in it, right?

Anyway, let's wrap up Text-a-nation.

Text-a-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Text the Nation this week we've been asking you what things annoy you most about the summer, not in an attempt to bring anything down or ruin the beautiful week where you're frightened about angering the summer.

Well, I think it's important to stay happy generally, but you know, we're just trying to eradicate the little annoyances.

Here's an email we got from Paul Taylor in Liverpool.

Paul says, Call me a bluff old traditionalist, but I abhor the wearing of shorts in the office environment.

A crime usually perpetrated by the male gender, it's something to be avoided at all costs.

The whole damn thing reminds me of lifting a paving stone up when I was a kid, revealing the horrors that have lain undisturbed for months.

I have little desire to see the equivalent of hairy milk bottles being piloted around the office by people who can't take a bit of heat.

Hairy milk bottles.

Paul.

Paul Taylor.

That's a very good message, Paul.

I agree with you, although I'm a big shorts advocate.

You know, I look forward to the day when I can pull the shorts out of the locker there.

Hairy milk bottles being piloted around the office.

That's brilliant, man.

That's poetry.

That's a good metaphor, even though it... Yeah, I don't know.

I like the thought of actual hairy milk bottles being piloted around an office.

I don't know who'd do that and why.

Here's some more text.

We've got sunburned scalp drives me crazy.

It hurts, then peels, then gets all flaky.

Gross!

Also, hate back and knee sweat.

Sunburned scalp?

I mean, you're missing out on a couple of tricks there.

Who's that from?

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Mmm, I've got the beginnings of a little one there.

The beginnings?

Are you worried about it getting burned?

I think this might be for people who've got bald spots.

Yeah, maybe.

But that's from a lady, though, I thought.

Oh, but Scout happened in the parting, just getting burned along the parting.

Right, right, right, right.

Wear a hat.

But you see, once you've got the hat, the sunglasses, the sunblock, it's such a rigmarole, and all you're doing is going outside.

Well, exactly, but you've got to watch out, because the sun hates you.

Very true.

I absolutely hate you.

Here's another one.

Phil in London says... Though Iron Man was great.

Says Phil in London.

Phil, he's plugged in.

I agree with you, though, Phil.

You know, everyone sort of goes on about blockbusters as if they're some sort of great, fantastic pleasure of the summertime.

I don't agree.

I can't remember.

I'm not even that excited about Iron Man, to tell you the honest truth.

You've seen it, though, Joe.

You like it, right?

I've seen it twice.

And you loved it.

Yeah, I like it a lot.

John Favreau, he's a genius.

He's a very nice guy, I'll have you know.

He looks like Iron Man, he's got a huge head and big shoulders, but he's a very nice fella.

I'm just trying to get over the point that I've met him and talked him to.

Is that coming through?

Is that a name drop sound effect?

Oh dear.

No, you get the idea anyway.

Here's another one from Sarah in Bristol.

Muffin tops.

If you can't fit into your skinny jeans and little top, then don't wear them.

Look in the mirror before you leave the house.

A muffin top is one of those belly tops, you know, short top where the tummy sticks out.

Isn't it?

Oh, it's the roll of fat that you might have that pops out the top of your jeans that looks like a muffin.

Oh, I see.

I don't think you can start getting angry with people for the shape of their bodies.

Well, you can if they don't cover them up.

No, I don't think you can.

I think that's bad.

It's incumbent upon you if you have an odd-shaped body in the summer.

What about all those artists?

Beryl Reed, Beryl Cook.

Beryl Cook.

Beryl Cook, you know, a nice plump lady skipping along, you know?

I'm thinking of Gerald Scarf as well, all the St.

Trinian's pictures.

That's part of the British, or a saucy seaside postcard.

Bit of wobbly flesh.

If you've got a fuller figure, then it's wrong to make people feel ashamed of it.

No, I think the problem is squeezing yourself into stuff that's not necessarily even very flattering.

Right.

You know, like I agree with you.

A nice fuller figure, nothing is more attractive, especially in a summery dress.

That's one of the great things about summer is ladies in summery dresses, especially if they have a fuller figure.

Life doesn't get any better.

But no, the muffin top thing is a valid observation.

Yeah, wear clothes that fit is the general thrust.

Sophie and Cardiff says, stop radio one playing Summertime by the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff.

Whenever the sun comes out, it drives me nuts.

Well, surely that's got to be a robust one like Outcast.

I mean, that's a good song, isn't it?

What the hoary old summer classic cliche songs.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that song.

That's a good song.

It's wicked.

And here's kind of a quite in-depth one from Graham in London.

I don't like the way hot weather makes me loathe my housemate who's a teacher and is only a short while away from a six-week paid holiday.

I don't think I'll be able to talk to him for the whole summer.

Also, I don't like getting stuck behind buses on my bike and not being able to breathe.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, that's, have you got one more just to round things off there for Text the Nation this week, Joe?

No!

So that was it.

Thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails.

And I was going to say, don't forget you can email us during the week, but they wouldn't.

Why would they need to this week?

It's all done and dusted.

There's no need.

I just might have something to complain about.

Of course.

You can always give us a message, whether it's negative or positive, any time you want.

And the email address is adamandjo.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

It's Coldplay time now.

This is the new single.

I haven't heard this

Yes.

Are you not?

No.

I'm gonna listen closely.

I keep thinking it's called Violent Hill, but it's not.

It's just called Violet Hill.

This is Coldplay.

I love you, Chris.

Chris, I love you.

You said to let you know I love you.

That's good though, isn't it?

It is.

Violet Hill by Coldplay, that's their new single.

Is it out or any, or is it coming out?

It's taken from their forthcoming fourth album, Viva La Vida, which is out on Thursday, June the 12th, produced by Eno and Marcus Straves.

That track was downloaded 600,000 times in the first 24 hours.

Wow, that's impressive.

Very good.

Well done, Joe.

Well done.

Thanks a lot, man.

I really like the new sound.

I like what you've done there.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.

It's time for another trail.

That's Urge Overkill with Girl, You'll Be a Woman soon from 1994.

Yeah, most commonly associated with which film?

Is it a Lynch one?

No.

What is it?

I don't know.

It's a pop fiction, isn't it?

Oh, probably.

You're probably right.

He's got a knack for picking those tunes.

Yeah.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's pretty much the end of our show, thanks to everybody who's texted and emailed.

Does this mean it's going to be a good Glastonbury this year?

Well, you know, we're lobbying to get ourselves, uh, along to Glastonbury's to do our show live for now.

We're desperate to do the show live from Glastonbury.

Um, I don't know what the big British Castle-nébobs think about that idea, but we- What's the feeling?

What's the vibe, Jude?

Nobody's telling me anything.

They're teasing me!

Really?

It's teasing.

We'd love to go and do the show, but that would be... That would be fun.

That would be both Wickels and Wockels.

Cos it could be a good one.

I get the feeling it's gotta be a good one.

I still don't know who's playing there.

If it's a rainy festival season, then that's it.

I think festivals should be cancelled in this country.

That's true.

Cos for too many years on the trot, it's been a washout.

Electric sticks.

If there isn't... I tell you what.

If it isn't a sunny Glastonbury, there is no God.

Officially.

Right.

That's very contentious.

That's a big contentious, provocative thing to say.

But personally, for me, I'm abandoning all religion.

If there is no God.

If it's raining in Glastonbury.

It's all hanging on, whether it's sunny in Glastonbury.

Is that a good thing for it to pivot on?

For cornballs.

I think we should call, you know, just call God's bluff.

Right.

Well, Emily Eavis surely would have something to say about that.

I don't know if she's in touch with the almighty.

Presumably not, otherwise.

She can tend to control the weather.

She controls the Glastonbury.

Right.

But, you know, I'm sure if she had any say in it, she'd be on to the correct authorities to try and figure out some deal with it.

She's probably involved in some kind of ritual.

I still don't know who is headlining Glastonbury.

It's Jay-Z.

Oh, it's Jay-Z.

It's the hip-hop controversy.

Of course, yes.

Of course.

And would you be excited personally about seeing Jay-Z?

He's pretty incredible live.

99 problems.

You know, hip-hop is a bit shaky when it comes to being performed live.

Yeah, you can see somebody who's amazing on record and they don't really, you know, do it live, but Jay-Z is the exception to that.

Is he like the pet shop boys?

Does he wear crazy spangly costumes?

Does he have Brazilian dancing ladies?

I don't think he does a big show, but you can hear what he's saying and you can really appreciate the delivery of the lines and the rhythm of the delivery and some of the samples are so... Yeah, but...

Does he hand out lollies?

I mean, what's the... He does hand out lollies.

Well, that's what I'm asking.

Yeah, he goes into the crowd, lots of chuppa-chupps.

Hats.

Little hats.

What are you talking about?

I want a party bag.

Is that too much to ask?

Yeah, he has those things.

What are they called?

Exactly.

What are they called, those things?

Noise makers.

They're not called noise makers.

Anything can be a noise maker.

They're called fun toot horns.

Fun toot horns.

Thank you, Adam.

Yeah.

fun to the horns.

Does he hand out fun to the horns?

He should do.

I bet you Coldplay hand out fun to horns.

They do, yeah.

And Bakewell Tarts as well.

He loves to shower the audience with Bakewell Tarts.

That's something to look forward to.

We'll see you next week, listeners.

Don't forget the podcast, folks.

You can download it from tomorrow evening and subscribe, for goodness sake.

You know, don't make us hang around the lower reaches of the top 20.

We'll look ludicrous.

Thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails and for listening to the show.

That's right.

Stay tuned, please.

uh for the show uh i've had it i've had a brain fart for this Kershaw thank you coming up next here on BBC six music have a very lovely weekend bye bye

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