Hello and welcome to the big British castle.
We hope you're having lots of jolly fun.
Please obey the rules when you're inside the castle.
Or will jolly have to throw you jolly out upon your arse.
And drugs are very dangerous and highly addictive.
Exactly.
So stay away from love.
What kind of song is that to play at the top of a breakfast show on a Saturday morning?
When children are listening.
Children are listening.
Oh love is a drug.
They're gonna start snorting powdered love.
And they're gonna go out and start falling in love and getting high on love.
That's a disgrace.
And then, you know, as soon as you start with love, a couple of years down the line, you're down in the gutter there, moaning and crying about it.
And what happens?
You graduate to a harder drug.
What's the harder drug?
Uh, lust.
Lust.
Caution.
Exactly.
And then after that, it's all filth and passion and, uh, that kind of thing.
Hello, this is Adam and Joe.
Happy Saturday morning.
This is BBC Six Music.
I'm Joe.
I'm Adam.
Yeah.
Is that it?
That's all you need to know, really.
I thought you were going somewhere with that.
No!
No, turn that you weren't.
We've got great music coming up.
We're going to be revealing the winner of last week's song wars pretty soon.
Yeah.
Text the nation.
All sorts of chittle and chattle and chottle.
We've had, you know, we went to a thing together this week and we're going to tell you about it later on.
We won our award.
We won an award.
We won the, do you remember we were talking about this last week?
And we're going to tell you all about what happened at the award ceremony later on in the program.
But now here's, this is a new track, right?
From the raconteurs.
Top yourself.
Yes, it's from Consolers of the Lonely, which was released on the 25th of March.
Shall we start with a song about drugs, and the next song is called Top Yourself.
What kind of message are we sending out to the young impressionable... Very poor.
Very, very clear one.
Drugs and death.
Drugs and death.
Here's the raconteurs.
That's the raconteurs, of course, being Brendan Benson and Jack White of the White Stripes.
That's the track from their new album, Consolers of the Lonely, and it's called Top Yourself, which is a shame.
And that album was released last week.
Have you bought that yet, Joe?
Of course.
I've got... I've actually made a suit out of copies of it.
Yeah.
A sort of flappy plastic suit.
Is that the one you're wearing now?
Yeah.
It's looking good.
Thanks a lot, man.
It's really wicked.
Yeah, I love that album so much.
Yeah.
The thing about that song, though, is he's talking about euthanasia and some kind of a pact where two people have decided to assist one another in exiting this mortal coil
This miserable, uh, place.
Yeah.
That we call the world... The Stinky Dog Box.
And he's saying, how are you gonna do it if I've already done it?
Right.
Isn't he?
You know, uh, there's a film that tackles that exact problem.
Really?
I'm sure there's some kind of Heath Robinson style device.
Like in, um, Omen 3.
Uh-huh.
When he, uh, we probably shouldn't talk about this sort of thing.
Do you remember that bit in Omen 3, where he's got the shotgun?
Right.
And he's, he's pointed this at himself.
It's the kind of thing- The kind of string that goes around the office.
Yeah.
And the other end is tied to the door.
Yeah.
And the secretary just comes in to deliver him a document.
Oh, that's right.
Excuse me sir, telephone.
It's the same logic as when you've got a wobbly tooth and your mum... Yeah, did your mum ever do that?
No, no contemporary mums do that.
Your mum didn't, did she?
She did.
You're kidding me.
Yes, you did.
She tied- That's not even Victorian.
Tied a piece of string to the wobbly tooth.
She didn't.
And tied the other end of the string to the door handle.
But this was the- That was the 70s?
80s even.
The 70s.
The 70s.
They had dentists in the 70s.
Not ran that way.
And drugs.
That's shocking!
It was very wobbly.
Wanna get your mum on the phone?
Shit, I mean, it was, I was anxious about it, obviously, but it was just hanging on a thread, the thing.
That's ridiculous.
Maybe that would be a good, uh, text the nation would be, like, self-surgery.
Yeah, we did self-surgery, didn't we?
Did we do self-surgery?
Yeah, with the cannibals.
Not in a...
Did we?
We did it in movies, I think.
Right, you mean actual?
But we did an actual self-surgery.
Right.
There probably aren't that many, but for instance, trying to get a splinter out, you know, moments when you actually try and operate on yourself.
And get out the scalpel.
There are some good stories out there.
Start digging.
We don't want to encourage that sort of thing, but sometimes, I mean, that's a very good one.
Yeah.
tied a string around your tooth then slammed the door what kind of a family do you come from sort of a caveman family a little bit yeah my dad's like a little caveman very old caveman so listen listeners uh in a second we're going to reveal the winner of last week's cake nash song wars competition we both wrote parodies of cake nash um i use the word parody in the loosest possible term and uh
I think it's going to be a close one this week.
I hope so.
I would certainly be very angry indeed if I lost and it was a walk over.
I'd be absolutely furious.
I'm not going to pretend I wouldn't be.
Well, there's something to look forward to.
Rate the vote.
We like a bit of fury.
If it was close, for example, if you won and it was 55% of the vote that you
I could live with that but I'd still be a little bit grumpy.
So you reckon over a 5% difference and you'll be annoyed?
Yeah, I would say so.
Really?
Can you be guaranteed to go into a rage?
60-40 I would just be sulky.
Alright, so hang on, you're changing it now.
So 10% sulky?
Sulky.
Uh, 70-30, very aggressive, very defensive indeed and chippy.
Alright.
For the rest of the show.
80-20, I'd be angry.
What's- hang on, aggressive and chippy?
Yeah, a little- and sort of sarcastic.
Chippy and sarcastic.
Well, you're being very controlled.
I'm just writing these down so I can hold him to them.
80-20 angry.
90-10.
Absolutely furious.
Spitting the rage.
Unable to speak.
That's happened in the past, doesn't it?
Happened in the past.
And the fury sort of resonated for the next few weeks.
That's right.
Like a kind of, you know, I don't know the words, but a fart.
A fart.
Or what do you call it when a nuclear bomb goes off and you get the ripples?
Oh yes.
Ripples.
Nuclear ripples.
That's a new ice cream from Walls.
Here's a free play from you, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, this is Guided by Voices, you know, I like to play a bit of Guided by Voices every few months, and this is from one of their best and most consistent albums, Do the Collapse.
This is a track called Picture Me Big Time.
I don't care about that either.
I don't care about anything.
That was Weezer.
I work for Six Music.
I'm into indie music and rock.
I just don't care about anything.
Do you push?
If you're sort of walking past something, will you just push it over?
I push envelopes whenever I see them.
Yeah.
That was Weezer with Buddy Holly.
That's a classic song.
And we just played it.
And now it's time.
Except of course you weren't allowed to text, I think, were you?
We asked them not to text.
And we asked them to email.
You were allowed to text for... It's so confusing.
The rules of the castle are getting ever more labyrinthine.
Yeah, I was quite cheeky about it last week.
In an effort not to rip off the public, it's just becoming very, very complicated.
I was rude about it, and I said rude things about the BBC last week, and another friend of ours who Adam and I were out for dinner with last night, who also works for the BBC, bought it up.
Was a bit shocked by it.
Being cheeky about the castle.
Yeah.
Thinking that maybe, you know, and there was a cautionary note in his voice saying, you know, careful.
Watch out, because you'll get checked out.
Watch out, you'll get thrown out of the big bridge castle.
They'll cut off your hands.
and put them on spikes.
They'll put me in the stocks and throw comic relief noses at me.
They will.
They'll get Chris Moyles to throw comic relief noses at you.
They will.
There's no greater humiliation.
So, last week's Song Wars listeners was a Kate Nash sort of a parody sort of a thing, uh, play-off, fight-off, mess, mess.
And we both recorded songs that were supposed to sound a bit like Kate Nash.
Um, they were both about bums by complete coincidence.
We decided that that was pretty much the defining factor of a cake-nash song.
Mine was called Itchy Bum.
It was very short, and I myself hated it.
Did you?
Mmm.
Didn't don't like it at all.
Really?
No.
Didn't stick in your head at all?
It was just, as I said last week, the combination of my voice speeded up and a stylophone was just too annoying.
Well, I met someone in the week who said that they couldn't get itchy bum out of their head.
Were you in a hospital?
No, it was a normal human.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that's very nice of them.
I have been singing your song all week.
Bums and binge drinking, binge drinking and bums.
I don't like to go, um, so down-tempo-wise, do you know what I mean?
That's not a good sentence, but usually, when you open GarageBand, uh, it defaults to one other conversation.
120 BPM.
120 BPM.
Mm.
And, uh, and it's always in the key of C. And I usually just stay there at 120 BPM, because that's a good one.
Actually, one of the defining factors of Kate Nash's songs is they're all in a particular key.
Yeah.
and she sings in a very particular key.
I think she's in two keys.
Is she?
I think so.
I wouldn't know.
So we've got lots of emails in voting and often when people vote they put one or two little comments and I'm going to read a couple that illustrate the gulf in people's views of song wars.
For instance Paul Davy says he gives his vote which I won't reveal.
Oh, maybe I will.
He says I'm going to vote for Adam's song, although Joe's was also very good.
That's nice.
They were very Kate Nash-esque lyrics.
You should make sure she doesn't rip them off for her next single.
I think this was, all told, the best song wars so far.
Wow.
Whereas Sarah Gaudier says, have to say, I was a bit disappointed with this week's offerings, had very high hopes for the Kate Nash off.
I love the idea of her sat there all keyed up with a little glass of champagne.
Champagne?
And then she hears the songs and she pours the champagne back in the bottle.
How disappointing.
I think I will go and see Barbara this morning.
That's very disappointing.
Listen, Tammy, I'm not coming over after all.
I know we had a fun Saturday planned, but I'm a bit disappointed because of song wars.
And so I'm going to stay home and just maybe paint the walls or cry.
So I'll see you later.
Anyway, shall we open the envelope?
Sure.
Uh, here's the envelope.
It's a genuine envelope.
It is.
It's all sealed and everything.
It's sealed.
You know, I'm gonna lose... My prediction is I lose this by about... I'd say it's about 40-60, you reckon?
Yeah.
No, that's even too flattering.
That would be... I'd say it's 70-30.
That's what you deserve.
Might even be 80-20.
No, surely not.
I think it'd be closer than that.
Hmm.
Hmm.
What is it?
Oh, he's won.
You're joking.
No, I haven't won.
Joe gets 38%.
Adam gets 62%.
That's all right.
You can live with that.
So where does that fit on the... I don't mind.
Where does that fit on the grumpy meter?
No, you've won.
So that's fine.
So what am I allowed to be slightly salty?
I'm delighted.
Yeah, slightly salty.
But you didn't even like your track.
No, I think it would be awful to hear it again.
Our producer's winding us up.
You can't do that the day after we've won.
Oh, no, because we're going into the news.
So listen, we've got to play.
She can do that.
Here's the winning track.
This is Bums and Binge Drinking.
I was a bit depressed today So I started thinking about Binge drinking around three o'clock So I went and done a little knock On the door of my best friend Mandy And my boyfriend Andy He was Randy I could tell cause he kept looking at my bum Rocky was some kind of pervy bum fan Bums and binge drinking Binge drinking and bums
When I get depressed I like to go binge drinking with my chums Why are you depressed said Mandy But not Andy When we was at the shops Buying alcohol pops Mandy never stops asking me questions like that So I told her Mandy it's the media They make my bum feel fat I have to go binge drinking just so I can deal with that
Bums and binge drinking Binge drinking and bums When I get depressed I like to go Binge drinking with my chums La la la la la Rooty too, yeah what I'm feeling oh so blue
Oh my gosh I was so drunk that night I threw up on Andy and we had a big fight And Mandy cubed and then we had a meal And later on we all watched balls of steel Then I felt quite happy Then I was sad and I thought I wonder how many drinks I've had And then I threw up and then I passed out It was so embarrassing my bum was hanging out Bombs and bills drinking
with my chums, bums and binge drinking, binge drinking and bums.
When I get depressed I like to go binge drinking with my chums, the lums and the binge drinking, what binge drinking and bums.
When I get depressed I like to go binge drinking with my chums,
There we go.
That's the winning song war song composed by a young artist called Adam Buxton Who's gonna go places?
Thank you very much.
I'm to the lavatory in fact very shortly But right now here is Harvey cook with the news Oh
What a frightful noise.
That's Duke Spirit, man.
That's a wicked noise.
Get down with the spirit, yo.
I'm down with it.
I was joking.
That was Love Is An Unfamiliar Name.
Awesome.
My name's Adam Buxton.
My name's Joseph Murray Cornish.
Oh, going for the middle name.
As in Mintz.
Right, right, right.
I've got any other
Little names that you're not telling us about?
No.
Just the three?
No.
What's the Murray for?
It was my grandfather's.
My mother's father's name.
Right.
So don't cuss it, man.
I'm not gonna cuss the Murray here.
There's no need for slapping.
I've got a middle name, but I never use it.
You shouldn't have just let it out of the bag.
Is it ORD?
O-double-F-O-R-D, it's Welsh.
And it means The Way, apparently.
Does it?
I don't ever use it, no, because it's a ludicrous... The Way!
That's like Yahweh.
And that's like a name for some kind of prophet.
What's Yahweh?
Yahweh is a word for Jesus.
Is it?
The Way, yeah.
Hmm.
I'm like Jesus.
Well, that's what I was implying.
And now you've agreed, so we can move on.
OK, good.
We've settled that.
Hey, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music, the BBC's premier digital music station, which plays you the best in contemporary and music from the past, as well as the occasional track from live sessions recorded here at the BBC's.
It's all the best music and the best chittle-chattle.
It is.
In my opinion, my humble opinion, we... I bumped into this guy yesterday, this youngster, as we were going into this award ceremony, which we're gonna tell you about later on in the show.
But this young... We're mentioning it as often as possible.
Yeah, this young whippersnapper man, he was interviewing me for some kind of online...
TV channel.
I don't know, it's all happening.
And, uh, I commented to this guy that he looked very much like Beck.
I said, you look like Beck.
And he said, who's Beck?
No.
That made me feel about 95.
I mean, this guy must have been in his early 20s, you know, not much younger than that, surely.
And he was good, intelligent, funny, presenting man, and, you know, all snappily dressed, and he did look like Beck.
And so I thought, you know, he's gonna get that reference.
Who's Beck?
It made me feel like a flipping granddad.
Is there a whole generation of people who just haven't got a clue who Beck is?
Well, that brings a certain amount of credulity to the scene in I Am Legend where the woman hasn't heard of Bob Marley and has only heard of Damien Marley.
Maybe there are people out there who have kind of Bermuda triangles in their heads.
Take all these things for granted.
You know, I mean, I've got the decency to know who the last of the shadow puppets are, for goodness sake.
He doesn't know who Beck is.
That's a total disgrace.
What kind of things?
Are they teaching people in schools these days?
Where's the Beck Studies department?
They need new teachers there.
Now, have you got a track coming up?
Oh no, it's after the shadow puppets, right?
Here's your track.
Is it?
Are we having the shadow puppets now?
Here's the, uh, here's the pupples with, uh, Age of Understatement.
That's the last shadow puppets with the age of the understatement.
Are they the last shadow puppets, or are they merely last shadow puppets?
I think they're... just the last shadow puppets, yeah.
Really?
It's not what he says on the sheet of pepper.
No, I think they just... it's all in full.
It's hard to tell these days, isn't it?
It's good, though, isn't it?
A bit of Scott Walker-esque fun from the shadow puppets.
When's their album out?
Quite soon, though, isn't it?
Quite soon, isn't it, not out already?
No, I don't think so.
I get the feeling it's out towards the end of the month, but I might have to check my facts down.
Now, you've got a track coming up that you've chosen for honestness, right?
Yes.
Uh, that was, you just heard very sort of cutting-edge contemporary music by two important young artists.
Albeit, kind of retro.
Yeah.
In, uh, feel.
I'm gonna play some music for kids now.
Because I think we've got quite a lot of younger listeners, quite a lot of families listen, I think, for which we can only apologize for some of the things we say.
But here's some music that kids might like.
This is from my favourite Disney soundtrack to the Aristocats.
It's not the greatest actual Disney film.
It's pretty good though.
It's a great story.
The animation isn't quite up to scratch, I'd say.
Easy!
I'm being, you know, very high standards when it comes to dismal films.
It's got a nice scratchy feel to it.
Yeah, it certainly has.
As if it was animated by cats.
Yeah, yeah.
Themselves.
The cast of cats.
Who put ink on their pointy claws.
Yeah.
Scratch the thing.
Anyway... What kind of tracks have we got on the Aristocats?
Oh, it's... Everyone's a classic.
It's my favourite.
Have I said that already in the last minute?
Maybe.
Walt Disney's soundtrack.
It's got such classics as scales and arpeggios.
When the little cats are playing on the piano there.
That's a sweet one.
It is a sweet one.
It's got some lovely instrumental numbers on it.
It's got the classic, everybody wants to be a cat.
Everybody wants to be a cat.
That's amazing, that one.
What languages was that?
That's the song.
Was that French?
Because the cats only care.
Who knows where it's at?
Well, they tried to get Mr. Famous Man, Louis Armstrong.
They tried to get Louis Armstrong.
They couldn't afford him.
I believe I'm right in saying so.
They went for some other guy whose name is probably on here, performed by Phil Harris.
Scatman Crothers sings on it.
There you go.
There you go.
Who some listeners may know from the film The Shining.
Yeah, well, he's definitely the guy on Everybody Wants to Be a Cat.
You can tell.
But this is my favorite track, it's called Thomas O'Malley Cat.
And it has a very interesting kind of spoken word intro that goes... I like a Cheecha Cheecha Roney like they made at home or a healthy fish with the big back bone, I'm Abraham the Lazy and the horns come in.
But for years I've never been able to figure out what any of that was that was being said at the beginning of the song.
I like a Cheecha Cheecha, I like a Cheecha Cheecha Roney.
What is that?
I've got the lyric book here.
A cheech, as in cheech and chonk, yeah.
Cheech a cheech cheeroni.
Is that like a, it must be a snack?
Like a Tootsie Roll or something like that or a hot dog.
Well this is all, the part of the joke locating it in the sort of jazz milia was that they were all using kind of hep jazz speak.
Absolutely.
So presumably that's got to be something maybe a little bit subversive.
Like they make at home.
Right.
So it must be a, must be a food, mustn't it?
I'm sure someone will tell us.
Or a healthy fish with the big back bone.
That's average for a cat.
They wouldn't put any kind of crazy drug references in there, would they?
Maybe.
I'm Abraham De Lacy?
Yeah.
Who's that?
Well, it's just nonsense.
I Googled those names.
Do you?
G.U.
Seppi Casey?
G.U.
Seppi Casey.
They only turn up with reference to the Aristocats.
I don't think they're famous people in their own right.
Oh, well, let's hear it anyway.
This is Thomas O'Malley from the Aristocats.
Oh, fantastic.
Very good.
What was the guy's name again that sings there?
His name is Phil Harris.
Phil Harris because Baloo as well.
There you go.
It'd be nice to see a picture of Phil Harris.
I might try and find it.
You will never see one.
Never?
No, there was never a picture taken of him.
Because presumably he was an actor like him.
He was a vampire.
It's like when you see some of the cast of The Wizard of Oz turning up in other roles.
You know what I mean?
Like the Cowardly Lion or whatever.
It's a shock to see their actual faces there.
Mmm, without all the makeup on.
Yeah, but you know what I mean, like doing- It's a shock to see your actual face.
That's true.
Listen to your voice all the time, but looking at your face, I mean, God, it's a little bit of a shock.
Well, imagine what it's like for me.
I have to get up every morning with it.
It's a disgrace.
You're listening to Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
We've got a, is this a trail for Sean Keefney here?
This is gonna be fun, man, because I love Trails, and I love Sean Keavey, so it's like a double dose of delight for me.
Junks, man.
Here we go.
I would have put a Whistling Pops solo on that.
Yeah, they record- that's Jesus and Mary Chain recorded for the John Peel show on Radio 1, uh, on the 29th of October 1985, and they-
What they did is they got the Reed brothers from the Jesus and Mary chain.
They popped them in a big wheelie bin and they lowered a microphone down there and they played the song from the bottom of the massive great steel wheelie bin.
Did they?
And that's how they done it.
Yeah.
They were used to clean chimneys a lot as well, weren't they?
The Jesus and Mary chimney.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because of their similarity to chimney brushes.
That's true.
People would just grab them by the winkle pickers, shove them up her chimney.
Up her chimney.
Because their hair was all... Yeah.
And they'd go up with white shirts, they'd come down and they'd be all spotty.
Yeah.
And it fitted in with the image.
Stop and take me, please, governor.
off to record a depressing song they were scottish though i think yeah exactly uh they've reformed haven't they they're touring again yeah they're around yeah and for them um they're getting on i think because they were a famous pair of warring siblings before the galagas you know they used to have little punch ups on stage there and stuff
They loathe each other.
Really?
Sometimes, yeah, but I think they've buried the hatchet.
Like us?
I loathe you!
That's true, I do.
Actually, I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I loathe myself.
I do also.
I loathe myself also.
What are we doing?
Okay.
So listen, folks, we won an award.
That's amazing.
Don't you reckon?
You said that really intimately.
Intimately.
Into the mic, really intimately.
It was quite troubling.
Did you get creeped out by it?
Mate, my testicles contract.
You didn't have to say that.
Why would you possibly have to... Because someone will laugh.
Give people that piece of information.
One listener might laugh.
Well, listen, we're excited about it.
We want it to work.
It does happen.
Oh, stop talking about it.
It's part of the life of a man.
Move on!
They're like a weather vane.
fleshy weather vane.
Anything else on the subject?
Move on.
Oh, now we can move on.
Yeah, so listen, we won this BPG award.
The BPG is the Broadcasting Press Guild or the British Press Guild.
It's made up of journalists who write about the media, and they have an award ceremony every year.
It's quite an intimate affair, about 300 people there.
Maybe.
Fewer.
Two hundred.
At the Theatre Royal.
Dory Lane.
Dory Lane.
It was very exciting.
We were nominated with quite a high-powered field.
Moyles.
Chris Moyles, yeah.
The News Quiz.
Beyond Belief.
A show called Beyond Belief.
We thought we didn't have any chance of winning.
But who knew?
We won it.
And we had to go up and make a speech and everything.
There was a kind of a posh dinner.
We hadn't really prepared anything.
You know, because we, the only other award we've ever won in our lives was 10 years ago and it was an RTS award.
I won some awards at school.
Did you?
You haven't won anything since though, have you for any of your solo outings?
No.
Goodness, I'd be absolutely outraged.
But we won the RTS award years ago, 10 years ago for the Adam and Jo Show and at that award ceremony, you didn't even have to say anything.
In fact, they asked you not to say anything on stage.
She just went up, shook Carol Vorderman's hand, pinched her bottom and got your award and left the stage.
It's very nerve wracking sitting there waiting for your turn to go up as I'm sure a lot of listeners will appreciate.
You know, you listen to everybody else doing their speech and everyone else was very impressive.
Well, first up was Andrew Marr.
Andrew Marr, so Marr wins the first award and he comes up and he delivers like a little state of the nation address, all the state of the BBC and stuff, very pro-BBC but very balanced and you know exactly what you'd expect from Marr, but it was commanding stuff and me and Joe were thinking, no, we've got nothing in our locker.
Because we knew we'd won by this time you see because they only invite the winners to the actual do we found out Yeah, we weren't communicating.
We were sitting apart from each other with people between us.
Yeah That was a ghost but we were both thinking the same thing and then the James Gordon is he called from Gavin and Stacy?
Oh, yeah came up and the lady who plays Stacy and they made a very funny speech got everyone laughing Yeah
We thought, man, we're in trouble.
We're in big troublehogs.
And then finally, it was our turn, and we were around about three quarters of the way through this ceremony, and maybe people were beginning to get a little bit tired and itchy, you know.
And this is going somewhere, listeners.
This isn't just a rambly anecdote.
So, so we climb up on the stage, uh, to, to make our speech, but it was already, it was already shambolic because the guy, uh, the journalist who introduced us, uh, John from the media guardian, he got a bit nervous too.
And he forgot to cue the clip.
Do you know what I mean?
Like they're supposed to play a little example of what we do before we go up on the stage.
Uh, and they were playing a little clip of us talking about our Kate Nash songs.
In fact,
But they didn't play it, so we went up on the stage, as soon as we got to the stage, they started playing the clip, and then this photographer was sort of saying, could you stand over here so we can take a picture?
So we were sort of flustered and... But it was alright.
Yeah.
And then we had to make our speeches, and you made me talk first.
Well, no, I was thinking, so I said a few words just to put everyone at ease.
What did you say?
I do remember my crazy funny stuff about, oh, this is the big award of the day.
That's the, you know, I was talking about the clip that they just heard.
Right.
Because it sounded like an embarrassing clip, you know, and most people in the room clearly have no clue.
Don't know who we were, who we were.
So to cut to the chase, the long and short of it is that we took a kind of comic angle of being overly self-aggrandising.
Similar tactic.
Well, you just said this is the big award of the night, right?
Yeah, that was a total, obviously, a joke.
Yes, exactly.
I know what you're saying.
We set the tone of...
of no one knows who we are, so we'll kind of go the other way, as if we're amazing.
Which is always a tricky policy, it hasn't stood Ricky Gervais very well.
People get angry with him, whether you think he's talented or not, because he's constantly saying how brilliant he is.
Obviously, ironically, some people don't get the joke.
Anyway, we went down a similar misguided path, and I ended up saying, uh, now what did I say?
Help me remember what I said.
You said, uh, finally this award proves that our show is much, much better than Chris Miles and way better than the news quiz, and it proves categorically that our show is the best radio show in the world.
This was after some comments that were clearly self-effacing, right?
Mm-hmm.
I didn't just come out and say that.
I thanked a lot of people.
Yeah.
Very sincerely.
Mm-hmm.
Then what else did I say?
There was something in between.
We called some people evil, ironically.
Yeah.
Anyway, so we make this and it wasn't a big deal.
Everyone laughed.
The room seemed to understand.
Oh, before I said that, I explained who we are.
I said, look, no one in this room knows who we are.
Right.
So where Adam and Joe were on six music.
I told them when the show goes out.
So it was clearly coming from the angle that no one knows who we are.
Yeah.
I wasn't pretending we were, it was clearly being stupidly self-aggrandizing.
However, however, we descend the stage, back to the table, there's only a couple more awards, the ceremony ends, Buxton heads to the loo.
Buxton goes to his favourite room, which is the Lavi, and I go in there, and earlier in the evening, earlier in the afternoon,
An award had been won by the Top Gear team, and they were there represented by Hammond, the hamster, and a couple of their producers there.
Richard Hammond looking very like Mark Owen circa his Green Man album.
His eyes just seemed to get bigger and bigger.
Big hamster.
Big necklace with wooden beads, a green tweed suit as if it was woven from moss.
Touthed hair.
Yeah.
Anyway, so I go into the urinal and there's the hamster.
There's two producers there from Top Gear as well.
A couple of producers all looking like kind of angry, cool dads.
They look like sort of cops from Life on Mars, most of the producers on.
Very, obviously very confident.
Top Gear.
And in charge of the situation being a very, very popular and good show.
I'm a big fan of Top Gear.
You are.
You're a Top Gear fan.
I don't like Top Gear.
Not anymore though.
So I walk into the lab and the producer is saying to Hammond the hamster,
Yes, so, yeah, you know, and they're kind of... So they're standing at the urinals.
Yeah.
This is a classic overheard at a urinal moment.
Yeah.
So I walk in and the producer is saying literally this, yes, you know, and they're sort of lording it over the competition and acting like they're really... And then he stops talking when I come in and Hammond looks over at me and goes, whoop, whoop, whoop.
Makes that noise, right?
And then says button it like that.
So Adam's convinced and we're now convinced that they were talking about us, right?
They didn't get the joke.
They thought we were very arrogant and they thought, well, you know, who are those jerks?
You know, rubbish in the competition where no one even knows who they are.
And then when they saw me coming into the Lavi, they were like, ooh, no, we don't want to fight Buxton, because Buxton's tasty.
He could easily take the hamster.
Tasty.
And, you know, I mean, I'm, I'm, I might've had a problem with the producer, but I could easily wallop to the hamster, but I wasn't absolutely sure they were talking about us.
So, so I was thinking, I'm going to find this guy and I'm going to go up to him and front off on him.
Yeah.
Yeah, so the long and short of it is we're trying to create some kind of a feud with Top Gear, uh, in, you know, in a way that people create feuds with more famous people, just so that they can elevate themselves.
I went back into the dining room and they'd split, because they knew that I was gonna have, they were frightened, Hammond was quaking, he didn't, you know, he's fragile anyway, he didn't wanna... How can Top Gear think we're arrogant?
It just makes no sense, mathematically.
There's no irony in the world of Top Gear.
Music time.
In that way.
Now, here, we've got the top of our sweeper, is that right?
Love a little bit of sweeping at the top of the hour, and that's followed by the strokes.
Here on 6 Music.
That's the strokes.
That's the bit.
We've had a text from Will in Southampton who says he laughed at my comment about my testicles.
Did he get it?
Yeah.
So job done.
It's like saving Private Ryan, you know?
If just one person appreciates it, then it's worth it.
If one chuckle is smuggled out.
Thanks, Will.
Thank you very much, Will.
You and me, man.
Um, so final word, we're not gonna say any more about the awards unless we hear from any, anyone.
Unless we hear from Top Gear.
Top Gear.
There is a possibility that they were talking about something else.
And awards ceremonies like that, where people in a particular industry are gathered with their peers and competitors, there's often quite a lot of inappropriate bitchy chat.
Yeah, but why would they have stopped talking when I came?
Because they're sensible men, they just don't want their intimate chit chat to be overheard by a stranger.
Maybe, maybe.
Perhaps I'm being oversensitive, but I'm pretty sure.
They were just thinking, who are these guys?
Who are these arrogant upstarts?
Arrogant young tools.
Maybe.
How are we going to find out?
Can we send an email to Top Gear?
To one of their producers, if anybody involved in Top Gear is listening, we need to get somehow in touch with... Who was it?
It was the hamster and... It was a silver-haired producer.
Right, who was all dressed in black.
He was a little frightening looking.
An impressive man, talented.
Powerful, clever.
You love Top Gear?
I do enjoy Top Gear, I don't like cars, but I like Top Gear.
That's how much he loves Top Gear.
He doesn't even like cars, and he loves Top Gear.
It's like Blue Peter for grown-ups.
I can't stand it.
Uh, I love it, and I wanna speak to the producers and, uh, you know, figure out this feud.
Yeah.
Let's settle our differences and go for a big, long drive with some loud, thin Lizzie play.
Now, we're gonna launch Text the Nation, I think.
Uh, shall we launch it now?
Let's launch the heck out of Text the Nation.
Jungle?
Is the jungle on standby?
No.
No, in any second now, you're gonna hear.
one of the most superb jingles ever created.
It's a, hey listen, it's a Wardwitting.
It's an Wardwitting jingle, that's true.
Wardwitting jingle, here we go.
Text-a-nation, text, text, text, text-a-nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text-a-nation.
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Yes, text the nation time.
Listen very carefully as we explain the rules.
Here's how text the nation works.
Joe and myself talk about a thing.
Then we ask you to send in your thoughts about the thing.
You can do it.
By text?
or email, you can send a letter, a telegram, a fax, a singing telegram, or... If you're Yuri Geller, you can just think it.
You can think it, you can do skywriting outside Central London.
That's true.
Anything like that, but I recommend text or email as a useful quick way of solving the problem.
And today, we're asking you to send in your thoughts or anecdotes about self-surgery, which we were talking about a little bit earlier.
We don't want anything too graphic, but, um...
Every now and then, everyone in the world gets injured in some way.
It could be a... or get something stuck in their body.
Yeah, I mean, we were talking about self-surgery in films not so long ago, but we want actual instances of real stuff that you've done to yourself.
Something you've had to pull out.
We were talking about my ma tying a piece of string to my tooth.
and tying the other end to the door handle and yanking it out that way when someone came into the room.
What other kind of things have you done?
And Joe was mentioning, of course, that you can have a lot of fun.
Things can get out of hand sometimes when removing a splinter.
Well, when you get a splinter and it's gone a little too far in, a bit too deep, and it looks as if the top's popping out and is easily graspable with some tweezers,
But it just evades the tweezers.
Do you know what I mean?
It's never there.
It's like there's a translucent layer of skin that you can't actually see.
So you start picking away at the skin.
Or maybe you don't even have tweezers.
Right.
Because my ma used to go at my foot with a needle.
Really?
Did you ever get that?
Yeah, I often have a go at things with needles.
Digging around with some needles.
Let's not get into spots.
Spots with a needle.
What kind of spots are you getting?
Ones with, ones with, you know, bubels on them.
This isn't recently, but when I was a teenager, I'd go at my pustulant bubels.
That is bad when they're disinfected.
I used to run them under the hot tap like first.
Did you?
Very good, well done.
You still, you get scars though, man.
If you do that to your spots, you get scars.
See any scars?
Couple.
Do you?
No, not really.
But back to the splinter and you end up gouging a massive hole in your finger and the splinter still doesn't seem to be anywhere near the surface.
That's what we're talking about.
Self-surgery.
Think of the moment in the film First Blood when Sylvester Stallone rips his shoulder open.
And he has to sew it together with like a twig and a piece of fine or something.
That's one of the classic moments in the movies, but we want real life moments when you've had to perform self-surgery.
There must be some kind of show on a digital channel called Real Self-Surgery.
And if there isn't, come on, please can we have one?
It would be a delight to watch and hear the anecdotes of the people involved in self-surgery when self-surgery goes wrong.
would be another way of looking at it.
And that's what we'd like to hear from you for Text the Nation today.
We'll read out some of your texts very shortly, but right now here's some more music.
This is the coop.
Excuse me?
Yes, Joe Cornish, what do you want?
I'd like to remind the listeners of the text number.
That's a good idea.
64046.
64046.
64046.
What's the best way to say it?
64046 is quite good, I like that. 64046.
Although, it might be confusing.
6-4-0-4-6, how about that?
Yeah.
Or you can email us AdamandJoe.6music at bbc.co.uk.
Here's the Kooks with always where I need to be.
The Kooks, they're a band that stir up strong feelings in people.
Really?
They're from Brighton.
And some people get very angry about the Kooks, you know?
I don't really understand why.
It seems to me they're a pretty inoffensive band.
I feel utterly dispassionate.
Are you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nothing.
Nothing flatlining.
I feel nothing about the Kooks.
No sensations at all.
Some people get furious about them.
Do you know?
Why?
I don't know!
I mean, they sort of say, oh, the Kooks!
I hate the Kooks!
You know, I mean, there's a lot of people who absolutely love the kooks, but some people, you know, it's as if they're really controversial.
What is it?
What's the deal?
Is the guy just very goby or what?
I'm asking Claire, our producer.
I think what they do is they get the address of everyone who buys the records.
They trace the information back using hacking techniques.
Then they just throw stuff at the houses and harangue, you know, the relatives of people who've bought the record.
Oh, the kooks!
Coops.
You know, they just go round and fuss around their fans' houses.
Yeah.
What they band actually do is kick over their bins.
Kick over their coops.
That's how rock and roll they are.
Right.
You know, if you're gonna buy coops, you buy into the whole coops thing.
Yeah.
They throw eggs at you on your way to work.
I didn't realise any of this.
In a big coops band.
They do.
In the coopmobile.
Yeah.
They just chuck rotten eggs and stuff.
That sort of thing.
Yeah, I think that's why.
In the coopmobile.
There you go, that's interesting.
Now, we're in the midst of textination.
Are we in a position to read any of our listeners?
No, not yet.
We're going to prevaricate, but just to remind you, if you've just tuned in, textination is about self-surgery, moments when you've had little injuries or things stuck in your body, and you've basically had to become an amateur surgeon or doctor on yourself.
But before we get to that, here's a free play.
Here's a free play.
This is from Captain Beefheart.
Do you like Captain Beefheart, Joe?
Have you got any Beefheart in your locker?
No.
You know, everyone should have a little bit of Beefheart.
He's not hot.
You know, lots of people love the heart monster.
Mighty Boosh, they're big Beefheart fans.
I mean, you know, obviously, that's just one of many thousands of people who love Beefheart.
This is from his album, The Spotlight Kid, or is it...
Oh, I'm not sure which one it is.
It's Clear Spot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, which came out in 1972.
It's a lovely song.
It's called My Head is My Only House Unless It Rains.
Enjoy!
That's good, that, innit?
Yes, it is.
The police with walking on the moon.
Sting, he has a hard time.
People tease him for being a sort of an eco-warrior, even though he was very ahead of the game with that business.
No one teases him any more for that.
They tease him for having tantric sex.
They used to tease him for, like, bringing tribespeople on from the Red Forest.
Didn't he bring a tribesperson onto Wogan or something?
He did, yeah, he did.
He's, yeah, in a sort of Marlon Brando when he was accepting his Oscar.
And the chap had a big wooden plate in his lip there, in his lower lip.
People didn't know how to respond.
He all didn't know what to do.
Wogan looked flummoxed.
Sting was a laughingstock.
But now he's been rehabilitated, really.
People don't tease him anymore because they realize... Thanks to Al Gore.
Thanks to Al Gore.
Thanks to the planet catching up with him.
Exactly.
The planet going just as bad as he expected.
Listen, Text the Nation this week is all about self-surgery.
I'm just going to read a couple of these out just to get things going.
The text number is 64046.
Here's a particularly nasty sounding one from Nick.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
When I got a blood blister under my fingernail, I decided to drill through the nail to release the pressure and ease the breath.
What the hell are you thinking?
Do you want me to continue?
Yes.
I must have pushed too hard on the drill because I accidentally drilled quite far into my finger.
The pain was so great that I quickly pulled my hand away and snapped the drill bit off in my finger.
Is this real?
I don't believe that.
I don't recommend doing it.
I believe it.
Snap the drill bit who would use a drill to do that anyway?
She's you'd have to be very very handy with the drill to control the depth to which it drill He's not using a big fat drill though.
I imagine he's using one of those little more slightly more precision handheld thingies, you know There's one that starts off from someone in Australia.
It's anonymous It says my friend Tom Briggs got a tick in his todger and
Camping in Australia.
My friend Tom Briggs got a tick in his todger.
Got a tick in the tod.
You got a tick in your tod, mate.
Hey, mate.
I'm having trouble doing the wee wee.
You must have a tick in your tod.
Probably got a tick in the tod, mate.
There he is, cheeky little fella.
You should burn it off, mate.
So anyway, that's just a couple to get you going.
What's happening now?
Do we are we having another record?
Yeah, so keep them coming in your self-surgery you can make them more realistic Let's have a look.
Sorry.
I've kind of lost it.
Let's leave that as a cliffhanger We'll resolve the tick in the touch after the half hour
There you go, that's the enjoyably addled sound of the Happy Mondays with Lazy Itis.
This is Adam and Jo here on PBC6 Music.
Breaking news, we've just had an email from the producer of Top Gear.
Stay tuned to hear about that, but now here's the real news with Harvey Cooke and the music news read by Louise Holland.
That's the Mombats with Backfire at the Disco, released on the 21st of April on 14th Floor Records.
They're a Liverpool band.
Their names are Matthew Murphy, Dan Haggis and Tord Iverland Knudsen.
Just to round things off.
This is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.
Happy Saturday morning.
We hope you're having a great weekend so far.
It's gonna be wicked.
We guarantee it.
What's the weather gonna be like?
Cold snap.
Winter's back.
Oh no.
I thought the summer had started yesterday.
I was getting my shorts out.
Really?
Yeah, boy.
When I got home, yes, I cycled home.
It was really warm.
I was very unseasonably mild.
By the time I got back, I thought, I'm going to get my shorts out.
So I wandered around in my shorts for the rest of the afternoon.
And then this morning I woke up, I thought, I'm going to cycle to the radio in shorts.
And then as soon as I stepped out of the door, I knew that was a bad idea because of the snap.
So we're in the middle of Texanation.
That was great, by the way.
It was really good.
In the middle of Texanation and the subject today is self-surgery and some really pretty revolting stuffs coming in.
But I guess that was the idea.
Some of this is a bit too extreme though.
We're looking for sort of fun things.
You know, the lighter side of self-surgery.
Give us the most extreme one that you can actually read out.
Okay.
I used a razor to shave off a spot on my face.
Alas, it was a hema...
Gnoima a benign tumor with its own blood vessel it bled for three hours.
I had to have a proper operation Jimmy Yeah, you asked for it There's lots of good ones.
My dad used his car keys to remove our splinters It was a killer and he was so bad at cutting toenails I was scared of the task into my 20s says Andy on the whirl.
That's very true parents are
toenail cutting styles.
When you're a kid and toes like to nestle together and curl up, they don't like to be separated and tugged around, but your mum and dad would do that.
And then some mums and dads would follow the curve, the arc of the toenail very gracefully.
But then you'd have a problem at the extreme end of the toenail, like how deep into your cuticle, do you have a cuticle on your toe?
Yeah.
Like how deep would they go?
Or other parents would just ha!
the top off, then hack the side off, you know, short back and sides, hack the top off, bung bung, like a, you know, like half of a hexagon or something.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Oh, tough stuff.
But I mean, now that I'm a parent myself, and I have to occasionally perform surgery on them when they get splinters.
It's funny being on the other side, because it's sort of enjoyable, you know, it's nice to do a
Well, you can't feel the pain.
Yes, that's true.
So it brings out your psychopathic, your sociopathic tendencies.
But obviously, as a parent, you're keen to inflict as little pain as possible on the children, unless you really loathe them, in which case you shouldn't really have them.
But, you know, you take a pride in how precise you can be with the needle and how, because they freak out.
As soon as they've got a splinter and you get their scalpel out, they're like,
Hey, don't worry.
It's dr. Buckles.
I'm the king.
I'm like a top surgeon I will have this thing out in a chiffy and you do all like distraction and stuff But then they start thrashing around and you just have to hold them down because if they're thrashing around dr Buckles can't get you're gonna be arrested good purchase program going
Oh, wow.
growing hair on your neck.
That is grotesque.
Presumably it was right in the front otherwise it would have been a mirror job.
That's even worse though when you start doing self surgery with a mirror you're in a whole big pile of trouble.
Matthew says I once removed a verruca with a Lego brick as a child.
That's just a nice sweet combination of an innocent plaything and a horrible diseased growth.
That's not a good idea, though.
What kind of Lego brick would happen?
I assume the pointy edge of one of those bricks.
Yeah, but you've not got any precision with those.
Yeah, but sometimes, and this happens with spots a lot, you have to use what comes to hand, don't you?
Lego?
You don't necessarily have the correct implements, so you have to improvise.
You had me the red block.
Doctor.
Doctor.
I'm going in with the...
uh nice here's Matt in Bristol he says I was pretending to be an alien with a circular tv aerial on my head something Adam and I can relate to it slipped and got stuck in my eye caught by my lower eyelid my mum and stepdad had to spend 10 minutes trying to remove it without damaging my eye they did
They must be flipping out.
That's Louis Benoît style, you know, eye stuff.
Chien Andalou, there type thing.
Yes, nasty business.
That is appalling.
Shall we have some more of these off to the next bit of music?
Yeah, keep them coming in.
The text number is 64046.
Keep them light though.
If you've actually had to go to hospital, I don't think it counts.
Here's Rufus.
Rufus and Chaka Khan with Ain't Nobody.
Rufus and Chaka Khan with Ain't Nobody.
This is Adam and John BBC Six Music.
We were just discussing the fact that it's a nice song, Ain't Nobody there.
It's a disco classic really, isn't it?
But to me, you know, that sounds very similar to Whitney Houston.
Yeah, I want to dance with somebody, that kind of thing, you know?
There's Claire shaking her head there, Claire's filling in for
I think the production style is very different.
I'd agree that the sort of song structure is not dissimilar, but then Whitney Houston's song was probably inspired by Rivers and Shaka Khan.
You know, that's a Stone Cold classic.
Yeah, but so yeah, I wanna dance with somebody.
True, we'll play that next week.
I wanna feel the heat.
You can have that as a free play next week.
I like that one.
That's one of those songs that reminds me of being on a good holiday, you know?
I was the right age when that came out.
Dancing around on the disco floor, on my own with no girls.
That was good.
Now listen, folks, we got an email from the producer of Top Gear.
Is he the producer?
Because I thought the guy that was in the urinal was the producer.
Well, let's just bring people up to speed if they've just tuned in.
We won an... Very briefly, we won an award the other day and Top Gear also won an award at the same ceremony and...
We made a sort of humorously arrogant speech.
I made a humorously arrogant speech.
Everyone in the room seemed to get it, but then when Adam went to the loo, he walked in on Richard Hammond and the producer of Top Gear discussing our acceptance speech.
Apparently discussing our acceptance speech.
Apparently discussing, we can't be entirely sure, but what Adam overheard was this.
He basically, I went into the urinal and the producer was saying, yeah, you know, and they're just like, rubbishing the competition as if they were some like,
And then he stopped and Hammond went, ooh, ooh, as I walked in.
Every time you tell the story, the quote gets smaller and smaller.
No, it was only one line, but it was enough.
Really?
And that in tandem with him saying, ooh, ooh, when I came in and then saying button nipped.
So we're convinced that the producer and presenter of Top Gear think we're arrogant, which coming from them, I'm not saying they're arrogant, but I am.
If you get that difference.
Brilliant.
uh no but in a good way they deserve to be uh you know we're trying to get a feud going here and it's working because here's an email from the producer of Top Gear Patrick Doyle and i quote now listen up you two let's get this thing straight i'd better read this in a more sort of aggressive top gear style yeah yeah yeah now listen up you two let's get this thing straight my name's pat doyle i'm the serious producer on top gear the doiler the dole my dole the doilet flush your doilet
I wasn't at the awards yesterday, brackets, we've won so many already I couldn't be bothered to go along to yet another one, closed brackets.
However, the grey-haired bloke you saw chatting with Hammond would have been Andy Wilman, the executive producer.
He's the big boss of Top Gear and his word is law, capitals.
So, if you thought your speech was out of order, then it was out of order.
Up to now, we've had no beef with your little show, but you're on our radar now.
Back off, Adam and Joe, or get ready to rumble.
There you go.
Wow, he's like citing Ant and Dec there.
Yeah.
As a throw down.
That's tough talk.
I should say that I have actually, I think I've met Pat before, and he's very nice, and he sounds like- Hey.
He sounds nothing like the guy that you def- I've deflated your email.
You've utterly deflated Pat.
Trix, brilliant, uh, posturing.
and our whole dramatic panto-style build-up of the feud.
It's the big British castle for the sake of balance.
That's true.
We have to be honest.
I have to point out, we'd like to remind you that this feud with Top Gear is a charade and merely created as entertainment to draw you into a kind of... It's not what Pat wasn't there.
He doesn't know.
He doesn't know.
He's going to find out.
Patrick, if you're still listening, we'd very much like you to speak to the hamster and also Mr. Black Smock.
Well, what's it called?
Andy Millman.
He's got the same name as the guy on X-Men.
Yeah, there you go.
Andy Wilman.
Andy Wilman.
We'd like you to speak to them and just find out what they were talking about in the bog, whether it pertain to us and get back to us.
That would be brilliant.
We'd be really grateful.
And, you know, we'd be especially grateful if Adam was right.
And there was a feud.
Oh, that would be wicked.
And then I'm prepared to fight the hamster.
I'm not so... Wow, you're courageous.
You're a big man.
They look frightening.
Now, here's a free play.
This is Joe's Choice.
Yeah, what is it?
Oh, this is a British funk band from the 70s.
They're called... And as usual, we don't really know how... I don't think anyone knows how to pronounce their name.
Simandi Jimande Simon.
This is called Brothers on the Slide.
Still listening to, with brothers on the slide, could people hear me for the beginning of that sentence?
No.
This is C. Mandy with brothers on the slide, pronouncing that wrong probably.
How do you think you pronounce this band, Adam?
C-Mandy.
C-Y-M-A-N-D-E.
Yeah, I wonder what it means.
It must mean something.
I don't think it does.
It can't be a proper name there.
No, I don't think it means anything.
I mean, it probably does, but it's more convenient if it doesn't.
It makes us seem clever.
Or maybe it's some kind of acronym, I don't know.
I'll do some research during the next track.
Listen, do keep those self-surgery texts coming in.
We've got loads of fantastic ones and we'll be catching up with those any second.
Can we do them now?
Let's have a few now.
Let's have a few now.
Okay, here we go, here we go.
Now, we should make it clear, this being the big British castle, that in no way do we encourage or condone you to attempt to mutilate or self-surgerise your body.
No, we- This is not some kind of Johnny Knoxville jackass- Jackass?
Jackass?
Jackass?
That's the correct way to pronounce it.
I just- I sort of swallowed midway through talking.
It's not how I really talk.
Come on, Ray.
It's not some Jackass-style thing.
So don't do any of these things.
Don't copy them.
No, absolutely not.
If you've got any problems there, any ingrowing hairs... See a doctor or talk to your parents.
Talk to someone who knows what they're talking about.
Give Dr. Buckles a call.
Alright.
I'll be over with my surgery bag.
Okay.
Here we go.
Here is one from Milo, who is suggesting that a good way to get rid of a wobbly tooth is, of course, a Jersey toffee.
What's a jersey toffee?
It's just a toffee, a very thick, chewy toffee.
Oh.
And that's a very common thing when you're a kid to be chewing a toffee and for a tooth to pop out.
I don't like the idea of chewing the toffee and kind of ramming the root of the jagged root of the tooth back into the gum in that way.
Your tooth coming out is a very important stage in development and in dream psychology, when you dream about losing your tooth, you know, sometimes that memory of not having a tooth anymore of it dropping out can pop back into your head when you're in your, you know, when you're very grown up.
Well, they say if you dream about losing teeth, it's also an indication that you might have gum disease.
Really?
Yeah.
Who says that?
Some people do.
Because your teeth are hurting.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
I guess that's possible.
So that's from Milo, that one.
Thank you very much, Milo.
Here is one from Daniel in Blackpool.
My girlfriend pulled a fish bone out of her own tonsil with tweezers.
out of her tonsil fish bone out of tonsil with tweezers she wants to remain anonymous how did she get back there with the tweezers this is the joy of texts you don't know any of the surrounding information flipping heck tucker oh wow that's unbelievable out of her tonsil surely she would have had the tonsil removed thereafter is that it all we've got time for
One more.
Wow, we're being ruled with a rod of iron this morning.
John in Elephant and Castle says, I once glued my finger together with super glue when I fell out of a tree and sliced it open on a branch.
Mum was not happy.
Mum.
So what did he do?
He glued his fingers together.
He used super glue as a kind of surgical glue.
Yeah.
Which is a really bad idea.
Oh, what?
He sliced himself open?
Yeah, I think he's got the sentence a bit of the wrong way round.
He sliced the finger open on a branch of a tree.
and he healed it by gluing it with superglue.
Wow, that's sort of ingenious, though, in a way.
Now, we once interviewed baby, uh, no, not baby bird, um, what's he called, uh, mister about a boy man with a woolly hat.
Oh, Damon Gough, yeah, badly drawn boy.
Yeah, and his solution for, um, you know, messing up his fingers when he was strumming, yeah, was to cake them in superglue.
Well, no, also he had, um, cracked fingernails, because that's another thing that can happen.
To guitarists.
Yeah, but people do, my dad used to fix his nails with superglue as well.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Sometimes it is a handy solution, but again, you've gotta be so careful with the Super Glue listeners.
Don't go messing around with that stuff.
Unsupervised, you know?
Let's have one more, come on.
One more, okay.
Oh, here's one more, um...
Tooth remover, oh no, hang on, no, let's just play this.
I need to go through these, man.
Okay, I need to sort these out.
I can't just read them out randomly.
Who knows what horrors I'll suddenly speak.
Here's the mystery jets.
That's Young Love by the Mystery Jets featuring Laura Marling.
That's good, man, and that's got a good video with it as well.
What happens in the video?
Well, it's just a very simple, graphic-y kind of video, and it's all shot from above.
The mystery jets are all lying down on kind of roller things, and people are pushing them on the rollers up and down in the frame.
It's good, isn't it?
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I do understand.
Anyone who comes up with a sort of new visual idea for a pop video is pretty clever after all these years.
Yeah, I mean, it's not entirely.
There's other videos that use the same kind of things, but it's nicely executed, and it's a smash of a track as well.
Talking of good videos, and we'll come back to the Text the Nations in a second.
Have you seen the Argentinian Gnome video?
No.
What's going on now?
Now, lots of people will know what I'm talking about out there, especially if they read the tabloids and stuff, because I think The Sun had it up on their website and stuff.
It's the latest spooky YouTube video.
Yeah.
And if all you need to put into the search field of YouTube is Argentinian Gnome.
G-N-O-M-E.
Yeah, yeah.
And it is an appearance by a terrifying gnome.
It's kind of grainy.
It's shot on somebody's camera phone and it's got three Argentinian teenagers sort of sitting on a pavement as far as I can make out.
One of them seems to be sort of putting a balaclava on or something.
They're just joking, having little early evening jokes.
And it goes on for a while and you kind of get lulled into a false sense of security, thinking, well, you know, what's the deal with this video?
Then suddenly one of them says something in Argentinian, and the camera pans to up the street.
And you can see it's night-time, there's sort of orangy street light and shadows, and you can see a sort of figure moving on the left of frame, coming out of the shadows.
And the camera zooms in, and it's basically a gnome.
A tiny little man with a pointy hash.
Seriously, a sort of silhouette of him.
Right.
A lot of people listening will know exactly what I'm talking about because they will have seen it and you think well hang on that's just like a baby or maybe a jockey on his way home but then suddenly it does these weird sort of dancey step hop steps into the middle of the road
sort of as if it's holding something, pointing at them.
But the way it sort of dances and sidesteps in a weird, sort of leprechaun-y, terrifying way is really genuinely unsettling and frightening.
And then suddenly the kid behind the camera just screams.
Because at that point, it could go either way, you're thinking, is this ridiculous?
Fun, no more, a deadly no.
Exactly, and the scream does it, the guy screams a blood-curdling scream, cuts to black.
It's brilliant.
But so this has got to be a little virally CG thing, right?
I don't think it is.
I mean, it's an effect that can be done... So you're saying it's a real deadly gnome?
Well, I just love the idea that A, gnomes should be made frightening again.
Yeah.
Because they've kind of lost their terrifying currency and become tamed in a garden context.
But originally they were like...
you know, disturbing psychedelic sprites in the woods.
Well, do you remember there was a beer advert not so long ago, maybe it was quite a long time ago, with a kind of weird little creepy gnome.
And maybe it was for Mets or something like that.
But you know, the idea that something that's kind of funny and silly in a book,
uh if it crossed over to the actual world yeah becomes sort of instantly terrifying yeah you know the like if santa was real and how terrifying that would actually be if a guy really did climb down your chimney what are you saying i don't know what i'm saying don't worry don't worry just forget that forget that forget that okay uh yeah this isn't very good is it playing the aristocats then uh
Saying that about Santa.
I'm going to look at this because people often say like, have you seen the YouTube thing with the lady in the hot tub and she has a accident?
No.
She has a bottom accident in the hot tub.
Does she bake a cake?
She lay an egg in the bath.
She follows through with the cake lane.
No, it's and it's clearly fake.
You know, I would say it's clearly fake.
But people were talking to me about it.
Have you seen it?
It's unbelievable.
I can't believe they captured it on video.
It's like, well, no, they didn't.
It's fake.
So I'm going to check out the Argentinian Ganom and I'm going to rule once and for I'm not saying that it's real.
I'm just saying that it's.
Very well done.
Well, I'd like to see if it's well done.
Yeah, I'd like to see that.
That would be good.
Okay.
Um, now it is, uh, five part, I'm doing a little time check so we don't usually do time checks.
Good stuff.
So what is it?
Six, uh, coming up to 11 Oh six coming out to 11 Oh six here on a Saturday morning at the big British castle.
This is Adam and Joe and you're listening to six music from the BBC.
Talking Heads.
Can't beat a slice of Talking Heads.
That's Road to Nowhere.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
During that track, I checked out the Argentinian gnome on YouTube.
I mean, it's got all the hallmarks of a classic viral.
What's it advertising?
Thing ones?
I don't know.
No, but sometimes, virals are just made for the sake of themselves, you know what I mean?
It's just a fun little sketch to put on YouTube.
You know, first giveaway thing is that it's shot on a camera phone, right?
I mean, that's a classic viral tool.
You're such a skeptic, Adam Buxton.
No, it's just fun.
You would be such a good person to have in a horror film where it turned out that things like that were real.
Yes, that's true.
Because you'd be so... You're a good person to have in any kind of situation where one's imagination runs away with oneself because you're very down to earth.
Because I'm thick.
You're not thick, you just have a generally, you know, quite, not dismissive, but very, you know, down-to-earth attitude to things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Case in point, the gnome that's genuinely real, the proof of the existence of tiny men.
Bugster, no, it's a viral, it's a sophisticated advertising.
You'll probably find that a new brand of chocolate bar, the chewy gnome bar, comes out and that gnome is all over the place.
You'd think those are trained kids.
It might be for the hats.
It's probably shot by Vila Gigmond.
Who's- is that the right way to say his name?
I don't even know who you mean.
He's a cinematographer.
And, uh, you know?
Yeah.
When I saw that, I immediately thought, THEY'RE REAL!
No, what Buxton is thinking with his cold, brilliant mind is, uh, giveaway number one.
Shot on a camera phone.
Easy to manipulate the footage.
Giveaway number two.
It's, you know, the kids in the, why are you shooting the kids on the street?
Why do we care?
So you've got like a good minute of setup of very banal footage.
But that's skilled in and of itself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you know, why would they be shooting each other?
Yeah, it's the kind of thing kids do on a camera phone.
Yeah, but so what?
It's like that advert, the road safety ad, you know, where the kids are filming themselves and suddenly there's a very frightening
Well, that's just an observation of facts.
Kids film each other on camera phones.
People film each other on cameras.
I know, I'm saying, listen, it's well executed, but I'm not fooled by the gnome.
And then at the end of this setup, you've got the little payoff.
And it's always a sort of grainy thing in the middle distance, whether it's a... And a nice zoom.
Yeah.
So you get close, but you don't get more detail.
You know, and you get in there and you can easily ape the grain on After Effects there and fool around with it.
Right.
Although, looking at the video in question, I would say that they haven't treated it too much.
They've actually used a little man.
Little man.
Yeah.
A tiny little man.
I wouldn't call him a gnome.
But his proportions are very realistic, aren't they?
I'd call him a gnome, even if he wasn't.
Well, he's a little man, I would say.
Right.
I don't know what the politically correct term is.
I find it very chilling and I'm afraid I think fairies, gnomes and pixies, because of what, uh, Al Gore has done to the planet, are coming out of the forests to reclaim their territory.
I think it's going to be a war between woodland, mystical mythical creatures and humans.
That's a good film pitch.
Maybe that's the twist to M. Night Shamaya Lion's The Happening.
uh-huh that we were talking about the other week maybe that's the twist that the gnomes are behind it all and at the end they come dancing out sidestepping of the forests singing gnome songs smoking pipes chilling stuff smoking pipes yeah pipes are evil this is Adam and Jo on BBC six music we'll be doing more text the nations in a second but here's a little bit more music
Is it?
I just, I've got the clear image of gnomes singing songs there with pipes as well.
And they're cackling and then it frees frames.
Yeah, that's how the happening ends.
This is Black Kids with, I'm not gonna teach, what is it, you?
I'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you, why would I do that, here's Black Kids.
I'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you.
That's Black Kids, here on BBC 6 Music.
And we're in the midst of Text the Nation.
We're asking you to text us with your self-surgery stories.
Have you got any there that you can whip out of your surgery bag, Mr Cornish?
Some of these are quite confusing, I'm just gonna read them out verbatim and leave it up to you to figure out what's actually being said in them.
Okay, here we go.
And a reminder once again that we don't endorse the practice of self-surgery, especially not if it's resulting in really hideous accidents.
Gonna pull my microphone out, might make a funny noise, there we go.
I had to pull my own toenail off due to it going through a cycle of first green, then black.
after a meaty fellow stamped on my foot in the mosh of a Quotsa gig.
Queen's of the Stone Age.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Says Denny in Reading.
He had to pull his own toenail off.
That's never happened to me, but it's something I fear.
Well, that's one of the brilliant scenes in The Fly, of course, is when his toenails come off.
The moment is fingernails.
But that looks very painless.
Because they just lift away, don't they?
Yeah, but it's still a revolting thought.
It is a revolting thought.
To have nails that are so far gone you can just pop them off like that.
So we looked like we were having cuddles to the rest of the kids walking back from school Couple of dresses To John in Newcastle The idea that somebody might think he was in love with another man Is so appalling Is worse than having nails driven into his limbs
Very contemporary attitude, John.
Welcome to the 90s.
That's frightening stuff, though, man.
If you haven't had your tetanus shots, you know, because that's what they tell you.
My mum always used to say, you know, when I would complain, I don't want to have the injection, mum, please!
Because in those days, now they just give you a sugar lump, right?
I tell you what they do now.
They go, right, we're going to give you two injections.
First one's going to be quite nice, so come on, mum, I'll be more painful.
Here's the first injection.
There's no second one.
That's the one they usually do.
So they trick you into spreading a worse one.
Yes, that's right.
It's a technique they usually use on children, but I think they still use it on adults as well.
In the olden days, it all used to be much more painful, and I would complain bitterly, but my mum always used to say, you know if you cut yourself on a bit of jaggy metal, or you've got a nail in your foot, if you trodden a nail, she'd always say that.
A rusty nail, you would instantly die from tetanus.
But of course, that's not the case if you have the jab.
Here's a text from somebody called Boo who says word.
I once had my two front teeth knocked out while being chased by angry tramps in Oxford and tried to put the replacements back onto the tooth stumps with wood glue.
Oh, what?
So the actual bottom of the toothed teeth were broken off.
Two front teeth knocked out while being chased.
Tried to put the replacements... The band.
Back onto the tooth stumps with wood glue.
Surprise, surprise, they did not last long.
So he's got tooth stumps though, so he didn't have the whole tooth knocked out.
I don't know, it doesn't mean much since that one does it.
Broke, I mean that's just, go to another one.
This is from D, self-surgery dot dot dot.
As a child, my sister had really really bad toothache, so she decided that a knitting needle was the right tool for the job.
Prodding the molar and pain was obviously not erased.
What?
She's had hundreds in dental bills since.
so you don't self-surgeurize your teeth.
Why would you want to?
I mean, that's the last thing.
You know, because a bit of self-surgery on your feet, which are very... Well, there's no nerve endings in the nails.
Exactly.
Or in the sort of dead skin of the cuticles.
That's the thing.
If you prod something in and it hurts, the pain is a message from your body to your brain that means stop.
Stop it, will you?
That's why God invented it.
Like, you wouldn't... You know, if you had a little bit of a cataract going on there, you wouldn't...
No, I'm going to pop this one out.
Here's one from Paul in South East London.
He says, not sure if this counts as self-surgery, but around the age of 11 my brother declared his own tiny war on bacteria.
All well and good until one day after a visit to the toilet he decided his bum could benefit from bleach.
He was wrong.
On reflection, that's not self-surgery.
He bleached his bum because he was trying to clean it.
He was 11 and he probably saw some alarmist documentary that showed him microscopic pictures of bacteria.
Realised they were all over his body, thought he was being invaded by some sort of War of the Worlds style alien.
and decided to try and cleanse himself using toilet products.
He's a bleach bum.
Do not do that at home.
That's a terrible idea.
That's a disaster.
She goes straight to the hospital for that, yo.
Yeah, and here's one I simply don't understand.
Maybe you can help me.
It's from Esmeralda in Walthamstow.
I pierced my own nose.
Oh, right, so she's actually trying to do...
piercing and this must be a thing that's common to a lot of girls.
I remember when I was a girl No, when I was young my sister tried wanted to pierce her ears because my parents wouldn't let her Yeah, so you'd get an ice cube wouldn't you and put it and numb the earlobe?
Mm-hmm.
In fact, lots of boys did it as well in the 80s and probably still now after that fashionable piercings Yeah, and you just numb it and pierce it.
It's a bit like giving yourself a tattoo or something, you know, it's absolutely madness madness anyway, I mean that
That invariably goes wrong.
I haven't finished reading this text.
I pierced my own nose by sticking a cooked sausage into my left nostril, then stabbing a needle into my nose to make the hole.
What is the logic there that the sausage is going to... Because sausage expands the nostril and smells good and is tasty after and it fits.
It was probably a chipolata.
She was 14, it hurt and smelt for a long time.
That is absolute lunacy.
Don't do yourself piercings.
Kids, come on, what are you thinking about?
We'll have one final return to the self-surgery texts in a few minutes time.
If you've got a brilliant 164046, it's not too late.
Now, you can fire this track off, Claire, because it's got a nice little quiet beginning here with the guitar.
This is one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite bands, Eels, who a lot of people don't have time for.
They think they're an annoying unit, but I think they're great, and this is from the album Shooter Nanny.
It's called Rock Hard Times.
That's Eels with Rock Hard Times.
This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.
Now, the older I get, the more concerned I become that I'm getting stupider and stupider.
You know, like, one of the nice things about getting older is that you become a little bit wiser in many ways, you know, and you mellow and you find out a few more things about the world.
I seem to be forgetting everything.
I don't know if it's an early onset of senility or what, but I'm getting daft.
Like, this, during the week, I was taking care of my young sons.
And because they were on school holiday and we went into borders, I was trying to placate them by buying them a little present and they saw something in the window of borders that caught their eye and so we went in there to check it out.
And as I was paying for these little gifts that I was getting... What were the gifts?
I'm interested.
Uh, it was Hungry Hippos, a little game of travel.
A miniature Hungry Hippos.
Travel Hungry Hippos.
That is good.
They've got a good eye, your kids.
Yeah, they liked that.
The full-size Hungry Hippos is terribly noisy, very clacky, almost unplayable.
The smaller version reduces that problem in ratio to its size.
Exactly.
It was good.
Anyway, so I was buying the Hungry Hippos, and I was at the, uh, the, uh, till, and I looked behind the man
on the till and I saw a big display with miniaturized versions of magazine covers on there.
You know, like, or pretty much every major magazine you could think of, it was a little pocket sized version displayed there, like the cover of it.
And it was an advert for subscriptions.
You know, it was a display saying, you know, if you'd like to subscribe to these magazines, you can buy a little package and you're able to do that.
I don't know if it's exclusive to Borders, but I hadn't seen it before.
No, other, other, other newsagent store type things do them.
Right.
I hadn't seen this before.
Yeah, so you don't have to fill out the form in the magazine and send it off.
You just literally buy a subscription over the counter.
Okay.
So I hadn't, I hadn't seen this before.
And not only that, I didn't see that it was a subscription thing.
I didn't read that.
I thought it was miniature ice versions of the magazines.
I thought that's a good idea.
They've brought out pocket sized versions of your favorite mags.
You know, like you've got a big unwieldy empire mag or a Vogue or whatever.
Well, they did do that to ladies magazines.
A couple of years ago, there was a craze for making them handbag sized.
And I think some of them still are available in both like full size, yeah, coffee table size and handbag size.
But this was even smaller.
This was like almost sort of cassette size.
Right.
Brilliant.
I love cassettes I've raised and I thought oh look there's a miniature version of empire I'm gonna buy that so I I paid for the hungry hippos and then I had to get back in the queue right because I was so interested in finding out about the miniature magazines So I said to the boys hang on boys and they were all keen to get out and unwrap the hungry hippos now Hang on a second boys.
I just want to find out about the minute
miniature mags.
So I went and queued up again and I said to the bloke, excuse me, are those miniature versions of the magazines though?
And he said, uh, no, that's, um, it's a display for subscriptions, for subscriptions, sir.
It's not miniature versions of the mags.
And I said, oh, oh yeah, yeah.
Okay, uh, subscriptions.
Sure, sure, sure.
Okay.
Alright, thanks, thanks very much.
Well, I just felt like the absolute stupidest person in the entire world.
I felt the shame that I had control of two young boys.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Uh, this is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.
It's time for the news.
That was the Golden Froth, wasn't it?
Yes.
Uh, Nefrap.
D'oh.
Yeah.
And that's the new one, I think, isn't it?
Accompanied by a enjoyable video with the man hopping.
Yeah, it's from their album Seventh Tree, which was recorded in a 60s bungalow in Bath.
And they're playing the Royal Festival Hall on April the 18th.
That's not a good gig.
The man isn't hopping.
He's wearing a white suit and he's jumping down the street.
I can't believe you.
Try to convince people he was hopping hopping we hey we had a little message from a clinical psychologist then he was poo-pooing The no she or she was poo-poo-pooing the notion that if you dream about losing your teeth It means that you've got gum disease.
Well.
I'm poo-pooing her poo-pooing Are you doing a little yeah?
Because the workings of the human brain are a mystery that not even someone with a clinical psychology degree can claim to understand fully I
That's a little bit divisive of clinical psychology.
Well, you know, I'm on the radio and we're not sure.
He or she can't answer back, so why not take advantage of that?
It's time to resolve, uh, text the nation.
Um, it'd be good to have a jingle here, wouldn't it?
What?
Just to reassert the, uh, here we go.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text, text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Text the Nation this week has been self-surgery moments when you've injured yourself in a minor, non-hospital way and actually attempted to operate either successfully or failurely.
What's the opposite of the word successfully, disastrously?
Unsuccessfully?
Thanks!
Here's one from Tom in Eastbourne.
I had to reset my friend's arm after it popped out of the socket when we were camping.
We should again say that you shouldn't attempt to do any of these things.
Everything that we read out is foolish, and that people were stupid for doing it.
Always seek medical advice.
Ha!
Uh, okay, friends aren't popped out while they were camping.
He screamed like a banshee as two of our other friends had to pin him down to stop him thrashing, and I reset the arm into the socket.
We were only 13 at the time, says Tom.
Actually, that's not a bad one.
I mean, I wouldn't do that.
I think that's something you see in films, but I'm sure it's not as simple as, like, popping out a Playmobil character's arm, or an action figure's arm.
It's not just a ball and socket.
Of course it is.
There's sinew and ligament there.
And what if you trapped something, a nerve, you don't wanna... I don't know, Matt, I don't think you wanna do that without training.
Put it this way, I don't want you doing it to me.
I do wanna do it without training.
I think it would be fun, I like the idea.
And you talking about play people makes me wanna do it even more?
Yes.
Actually, Play People's Arms didn't pop out.
Busy Bodies did.
Right.
Play People have a now called Playmobil.
Uh-huh.
I think their arms, that it would just snap off.
Busy Bodies.
And of course, with Weebles, it wasn't even an issue.
She didn't have arms.
No.
But they certainly didn't fall down.
Here's one from Claire in Blackheath.
I had an ingrowing eyelash on my upper eyelid.
I knew I had to remove it and that that would involve a needle.
But being on the delicate eyelid I was really scared.
But after lots of eye watering I managed to get it out.
I've kept the eyelash as a souvenir.
In growing, does she mean it's just curled in on itself?
Yeah, you can have ingrowing eyelashes.
It's possible.
Yuck.
Very painful with a needle.
Now that's really a bad idea.
Claire, you're really stupid.
Hey, what about that one that you read out before?
In that respect, otherwise you're clever, you know?
I'll get to that one.
I'm going to speed through some of these because they're good ones.
I tried to fix my Muhammad Ali boxing puppet.
I was a tomboy using my teeth.
As the spring had come loose, the said spring sprang back and became lodged in the roof of my mouth.
My dad used a disc gorgia, a tool used to remove hooks from fish's mouths, to remove it.
Good thinking, Dad.
Gross.
And he didn't clean it first.
Dad.
That's anonymous.
Here's one from Dominic in Cardiff.
I fractured my fingers whilst driving across the Australian outback and had to use my daughter's Barbie doll leg as a splint.
She wasn't happy and cried for about 70 miles.
Oh dear.
What about Dad?
Hey, we never discovered what happened to the tod... the todge.
We didn't discover what happened to the todge.
With the tick in it.
Yeah!
The tick in the todge.
I've got a tick in the todge then.
I'll have to rewind for that one.
It's on a previous page of text.
Okay, so that'll be the coder for vaccination.
Yeah, a couple more?
Yeah, go on.
I want to try to pop a zip by getting the toy cannon from my Lego pirate ship, placing the end over the zip and firing a Lego cannonball at it.
It didn't work.
It was the most intense pain I've ever experienced.
I don't recommend it.
What a loony.
Oh boy.
Uh, here we go.
Uh, and to wind up.
Oh yeah, come on.
The coat hanger, man.
Oh, you have to give me a moment to find that one.
I have to backtrack for that one.
Well, you've got your Cat Stevens track to play right now.
That's true.
I want to introduce this and then we can wrap up Texanation for good.
This is from the soundtrack to Harold and Maud.
It was unavailable for years and years, but it's recently been re-released on CD.
Harold and Maud, a brilliant 1971 Hal Ashby film about a morbid young man who's obsessed with funerals and a
and a weird romance he has with an older lady.
They even kiss.
That was the liberal 70s for you.
So this is a great record and it includes lots of very rare Cat Stevens tracks that were unavailable for years and years, including this one called Don't Be Shy.
Cat Stevens with Don't Be Shy, that's one of my favourite Cat Stevens tracks and that's off the soundtrack to Harold and Maud, now available after many years of not being available on Compact Discular.
Compact discs a dying format is it now it's true solid-state media.
It's all just ones and zeros isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so listen shall we wrap up text the nation for good We're having problems locating the the tick in the todge.
We can't find that based it seems to vanish But here let me say suggest this for you listeners.
We will locate the tick in the todge message and communicate the end of the story in our podcast Okay
good so good if you want to if you want to find out what happened to the tick in the torch then download our podcast you can do that by going to the six music website and subscribing through iTunes or whatever we recommend you do that anyway whether you want to know about ticks and toges or
Or what?
Who doesn't want to know about ticks and dodgers?
Exactly.
We should do a bit of fact clearing up as well, as usual.
The funk, British funk band whose track Brothers on the Slide we played earlier, apparently is called, their name is pronounced, Shimande.
Shimande.
Now we don't know whether that's right, but we assume all texts are authoritative.
It comes in anonymously, it's a very blunt text, so it has the feeling of fact about it.
Yeah.
But so so that could be true and apparently the word Shimonde means oh god I've got to find this text now, and I've lost it.
Yes.
It's a calypso word for dove Mm-hmm, which symbolizes peace and love there you go.
They've even got a track called dove.
Don't they do indeed?
The dove features strongly in their coveralls.
And another factoid that many people texted in about superglue and wounds is that superglue was actually invented as a military substance for bonding skin.
Was it really?
One text, but no, three or four people have texted that in, so either it's a fact or it's just a group hallucination.
Yeah.
It was actually invented as a piece of kind of army medical kit during the Vietnam War.
It could be one of those urban myth type things.
It could be apocryphal.
Apocryphal, yeah.
Certainly we should remind you that you shouldn't go around trying to heal wounds with superglue.
You shouldn't touch superglue unless you're over 60 anyway.
That's true, you need a license, you need to go on a course to handle superglue.
So I think, did you find the one about the coat hanger?
No, there was... A text came in about a girl, I'll try and find it, who was following her mum home and her mum had... Did she just come back from the dry cleaners?
Yeah, she had clothes on wire hangers.
Oh, here we go.
I didn't want to read this out.
I thought it was too much.
I thought it crossed the line.
This comes with a warning then.
Adam dances across the line like an Argentinian gnome hopping from hook foot to foot.
Do you want me to read it?
Go on, with a warning.
Warning, warning, this is grim.
When I was six, I was walking behind my mum, who was carrying dry cleaning on coat hangers.
I turned my head and the metal hook of one of the hangers went behind my eye.
As I was six, my mum obviously had to perform the surgery on my behalf and get it out.
but I was nearly blinded as it almost detached my retina.
Thanks.
John in acton.
Can you imagine how the mum felt though?
I'm sorry, she would have been in a terrible state to say nothing of what it was like to have a coat hanger behind your eyeball.
Thank you very much indeed for all your texts and messages there.
We'll do our best to dig out the take and the touch and communicate the punchline in our podcast.
Don't forget as well that we need, it's kind of too late for suggestions for
next week's song wars we'll have to figure out something between ourselves we're thinking maybe some people suggested movie trailers fake movie trailers yeah that we'd have a bit of a break from songwriting and and do kind of uh yeah audio only movie trailers yeah yeah so we might we might do that as a little aberration it'll be a surprise next week there'll be some sort of exciting audio based competition text the nation will be back of course as well as the thing that six music is best known for
The music.
The music, yeah.
Speaking of which, let's play some more after this trail.
We've got Midlake for you.
That's Midlake with Head Home.
That's pretty much it for us.
Adam and Joe here this Saturday morning on BBC 6 Music.
Thank you very much indeed for listening and texting in.
And emailing.
And emailing.
And we'd just like to say once again that we won an award.
And we're very grateful indeed to our producers, our excellent producers and our assistants and helpers here at BBC Six Music.
That's Claire and Jude who produces the show regularly and Charlotte and Matt who help us out here so wonderfully.
We really appreciate your help, team.
Yeah, team.
And don't forget as well that the podcast will be, a brand new podcast will be available tomorrow evening, Sunday evening.
That's again, thanks to the efforts of our team here who put it together so brilliantly.
If I can get a word in edgeways.
I'm doing my thank yous.
Yeah, that was all I wanted to say.
Yeah, okay.
You just want to say if I can get a word in edgeways.
Stay tuned for Liz Kershaw.
I think I might be chatting to Liz very briefly, you know, about Son of Rambo, which I think she saw.
We'll be back the same time next week, 9am till noon.
Here on BBC 6 Music, we leave you in the capable hands of Liz Kershaw.
Bye!