The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (08 March 2008)

that's the fantastic operator please what was that one called that's get what you want and their debut album yes yes vindictive is out march 17th i'm a big fan of them as some listeners might know they're all under five which is amazing when they think about it is amazing have a little think about

I bet, you know, they've only been speaking for two or maybe three years, tops, and then they form a band, and then they, you know, they go through so many different phases.

Kids these days, you know, kids are doing sort of older-type things, younger and younger, as human civilisation evolves.

Soon, there will be bands of five-year-olds.

So, what, are you saying operator police are not five?

No, they're... How old's the drummer?

The drummer's tiny.

Right, his voice hasn't broken yet, but he's tiny.

Yeah, because he's a child, not because there's anything wrong with him.

But he's basically a child.

Oh, a question for one of these six music listeners would be, what was the youngest charting band ever?

I'd be interested to know that.

And if any of the listeners could tell us that, then I'd be pleased.

Well, there's something to look forward to.

Youngest charting band ever.

What would you guess that would be?

Oh, uh, well, what about the St.

Winifred School Choir?

I knew you'd say that.

Doesn't count.

It's a choir.

It's a manufactured thing.

I mean, obviously, they're all manufactured.

They were manufactured by a church and a love of God.

No, I want a band that's, um, like more of a traditional band.

A proper band.

I don't want a some different school choir.

Who were the other big school choir?

Well, in terms of charting, what about Allie Jones?

Is he a band?

He's a one-man band.

He's an artist.

I want more of a band like Hanson, you know what I mean?

What about Hanson?

Well, yeah.

They were pretty young.

Is that the drummer or the lead singer?

No, I can't remember.

He was the good-looking one.

That's all I remember.

Who was the sort of slightly chubby drummer?

Monty.

Monty, that's right.

Monty Pipkins.

He was very young.

Hey, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

Happy Saturday morning.

It's the weekend, a time when there's no law, no rules.

Go out, spend money, have fun, get drunk, fall over.

Do what you want.

Yeah.

Yeah, anarchy.

And I think maybe I felt the beginnings of summertime stroke spring in the air.

Did you?

Today.

He is nice and mild.

Didn't you think that?

Yeah.

When you went out of the house?

Yeah.

You don't care at all about weather.

I'm not as well obsessed as you are.

I love thinking about weather.

I love the weather.

I'm a confused because I bought a pastry when I came into the studio from this shop across the road.

I think I know the pastry Saturday morning.

I like pastry.

I bought one.

And I've lost it!

I put it down.

I can't remember where.

It might be in the shop still.

Shall I go to the shop to find out?

No.

I will!

I can't live without the pastry!

Hey, uh, here's some Della Sol with I know.

Della Sol, uh, they're here on the Adam and Jo Show on BBC Radio 6 music.

They're a hip-hop band from America and they were one of the first bands, this is for younger listeners, uh, to kind of use samples that creatively, weren't they?

Yes, certainly.

Unexpected samples, you know what I mean?

From not necessarily black sources, you know.

They were one of the first black groups to sample a white band, as far as I know.

That's a Steely Dan sample, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

From Peg.

Although, having said that...

Grandmaster Flash was sampling.

Yeah, I think you're probably, you're probably wrong there.

I might say it's dangerous to be so racially secretive.

It's very racist, isn't it?

In your analysis.

It's not racist, it's just unnecessarily, uh, divisive.

I think it's probably racist.

I think you're fucking racist.

Oh, no.

Yeah, cause that- You're very racist.

I'm very racist, aren't I?

Yeah, I'm probably one of the most- No, just how racist you are.

I'm really very racist.

It's a shame, really.

You know what I smell?

Very racist as well.

That's a racist thing to say.

It is racist.

Uh, who was the guy that did, um, uh, Planet Rock?

Uh... Rock, rock, Planet Rock.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

Anyway, there you go.

Lovely de la Sol.

Now, you've got a track coming up now that you've chosen for the listeners, haven't you?

This is kind of a Radio 2-e track, but it's really nice.

It's kind of an old one.

And the story behind this is, when I was a kid, I suddenly decided... I went to see Oliver in the West End.

at the Albury Theatre, maybe the Aldrich, can't remember.

It was a very spectacular production.

Wow.

And I saw all those kids about my age dressed as little urchins.

Yeah.

Jumping around with everyone looking at them and applauding them.

And I thought, I want to be like that.

I want to be an urchin.

I want to be an urchin and jump around on stage and have people applaud me.

How old were you again?

Uh, 23.

Yeah.

No, uh, probably about 9 or 10.

Okay.

Maybe 11.

Right.

So, I got my mum to take me to audition for that very production.

No.

I think she might have seen that they had, you know, openings for urchins coming up.

I didn't have any acting training.

Urtual openings?

Yeah, but I decided I wanted to be an actor.

Yeah.

So I went to audition for it and the song I learned is from Oliver, was Where Is Love?

Yeah.

Do you remember that one?

No.

Little Mark Lester in some kind of a basement staring through the bars.

It's so high-pitched.

Yeah that I think they actually get a lady to dub it over in the in in the film musical You've never told me this before.

That's true.

So little thespi pop idols here So I practiced and practiced and practiced that song and I had fantasies about about getting the part And you know, I told my mum all about my family

Yes, Mummy, when I get the part, my favourite thing would be this, the bit when I'm in the undertakers and I toss all the coffins over and run around.

That bit's going to be really good.

I went, yes, yes it is.

Anyway, I went along, and I was so nervous!

I was popping my pants, and I went on stage, and I sung, I don't know, I have no memory of it, but I'm sure it was the worst possible version of Where Is Love Ever sung by a human being.

Because all I got was a thank you!

Thanks very much!

I've never heard from you.

We've got a tall urchin, thank you, bye.

Yeah, so we're trying to get urchins under six foot.

They've got to be smaller than fagin.

Anyway, so when I heard this version of that song by an old-time coruna lady, Irene Crowl,

This is a kind of a jazzed up version of it.

It's sort of exorcised various problems.

Yeah, did it exorcise me or did it make you curl up into a ball in the corner?

No, because she sings this so beautifully.

And I wanted to put it early in the show because it's a very soothing song.

It's kind of got a bit of the radio too about it.

If you're still in bed, this will be really, you know, cuddlesome and warming.

This is Irene Kral.

Is it Kral?

I don't know.

She sounds like a monster from Doctor Who with Where Is Love?

This is Kral.

Yeah.

Oh, she's going on.

She's got more.

How has she found it?

It's just in the, uh, Lavi by the books there.

You just left it there.

That song was sung by Kral.

Who was Kral in the film Kral?

He was just a big skull man, wasn't he?

Was he?

Hmm, with the glaive.

What?

Was he called the glaive, the weapon he had in the Kroll?

The glaive, maybe.

I think it was called the glaive.

It was sort of a spiky boomerang type thing.

Hmm, there was Kroll, I was more of a Hawk the Slayer fan.

Really?

Yeah.

Charles much better than the Slayer.

That would be the most pathetic argument.

The most obsolete argument in the history of arguments.

Let's have it later on.

This Adam and Joel on 6 Music.

The point of 6 Music is, it's an eclectic mix of music.

And that was the eclectic mix.

You don't have to justify your selections, man.

You know, you've got a lot... Not to you, but I bet there's some Grumbley Moans out there.

You've got a bit of a... You know, your half Michael Ball.

Grumbley Moan.

I find that insulting.

I've got an enlarged ball.

One of my Michael Balls is swollen.

You are more than half bald.

Let's have some proper music, or let's have a trail just to make it clear where we are and who we are.

What is she singing there?

I could have sworn she's sung, I've got Hitler's Baby.

I've got Lady Fingers, yeah, I've got Hitler's Baby.

That's Luscious Jackson with Lady Fingers.

What was the film with all the Hitler had all the kids?

Oh, The Boys from Brazil.

Yeah, so it's a reality.

Yeah.

He has been cloned, that much we know.

Oh, that's horrible.

Horrible thought.

Why is she so excited about having, like, the ladyfingers, though?

They're sort of wafers, aren't they?

That you pop on trifles.

Are they?

I thought they were a sort of sea urchin.

Huh!

Maybe they are, too.

Like an anemone.

Yeah, they tickle you when you go skydiving.

Skydiving?

Sea diving.

That's Luscious Jackson, anyway.

That was from 1999.

Those were the year.

Yeah, that was nine years ago, Numbers fans.

No, is it more longer?

Yeah, well done.

Eight plus one.

Yeah, well done.

Now, this is Adam and Jo here on Six Music.

We've got to resolve song wars from last week.

It's not looking good for me.

Is it not?

No, I'm gonna lose.

Well, they were all upset about the fact that your foreign song, they reconciled it to in debt to the concords.

It's too obvious.

Mine was just too obvious.

I thought it was good.

But we're gonna find out, definitively, who's won and we'll play the winning song.

It didn't sound like you meant that.

Well, listen, I thought that was fairly magnanimous after all that Song Wars history that we've had.

That's true.

You're being very generous.

We're going to resolve Song Wars in the next 10 or 15 minutes after the news.

But before that, here's some more great music for you.

This is Al Green with L-O-V-E Love.

That's Al Green.

He's a reverend man and he loves to sing the soul songs and that was L-O-V-E Love.

There's a two-hour documentary about him floating around Tellyland, yeah, on cable.

There's a weird channel called Main Street.

You love Main Street.

You've got a satellite dish.

I do.

It has good musical documentaries on it.

It's like Sky Arts, isn't it?

It's a bit like that.

But I think it actually is, and it turns into Main Street.

Oh, really?

Well, every now and then, I've got a week of documentaries on it.

I'm not sure about that.

I've never seen a proper one on Al Green before.

It looked quite old.

But he was, and wow, he's amazing to listen to.

He's got a very, very colourful manner and gesticulates brilliantly.

Right.

And you know he's a preacher so he knows how to speak.

He knows how to spin a yarn.

That's right.

Well he's had a colourful life though, goodness sake.

Yeah.

What's he done?

Thrown, you know, pans of boiling fat at ladies?

Has he?

Something awful like that.

Oh dear, oh dear.

That was, I'm focusing on the darkest hour.

Hmm.

Because obviously he's done many wonderful things as well.

Of course, including doing that song.

So do you write?

Just recording the facts.

What?

Did he write that song then, I wonder?

You and I have got to stop sort of highlighting our ignorance.

Well, we're just asking questions you don't know.

Yeah, but our listeners can tell us though, can't they?

That's true.

Did he write that?

That's what listeners are for.

Or did Edwin Collins write that?

Edwin Collins wrote it.

Yeah.

Went back in time.

Orange Juice did.

By the way, I was talking earlier on about who wrote Planet Rock.

That was Africa Bambata who'd done that.

Bomb.

bomb barter we've done that song have you got an africa bambata album bomb barter yeah bambata bomb barter bomb barter bomb barter bomb barter it's like an ancient gay village body barter um have you got any albums by bomb barter

Have you?

Oh, dear.

Er, I don't think so, no.

No.

I know what you're thinking.

What?

Oh, bad things.

Just imagining a sort of medieval village.

Yes.

Erm... OK, now, before it's too late, it's time for the news.

Christmas crackers.

That's like walking from different floors of a big record shop, isn't it?

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean.

Going up the stairs and you're getting a little bit of the classical department, the music they're playing is bleeding out, and then the R&B department, you can hear what they're playing.

Or like wandering round the corridors of a music college.

Yeah.

Or some kind of school where they've got music day.

And then meanwhile, someone's thrown a hand grenade in the drum department,

And that's gone off.

That's a particular bracket of music, isn't it?

I put it in the same... I like to pigeonhole bands.

I don't think you're quite right to do so.

And you know what?

Bands love to be pigeonholed.

Yeah, who doesn't?

Categorized.

And I put that in the same pigeonhole as, um, the Polyphonic Spree.

Yeah.

It's a uniquely early noughties pigeonhole.

That's right.

It's about to be, um, sealed.

Yeah, well that was from 2004.

That was the Go Team with Lady Flash.

And this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

I know, it's all about the ladies.

But right now...

You know, I did a gig this week, a stand-up gig, and one of the other performers there, Dan Clark, a very talented young man, he has a little routine in his act where he does like samples that he's obviously conjured up from garage band.

And he's used a lot of the same little garage band loops that we use, you know what I mean?

Like he used that, I think that little loop there that I used for that song was Jingle, and also our Text-a-Nation.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

He played that.

I thought you can't do that.

That's the Text-a-Nation, Jingle!

But of course it's not, it's just a garage band loop.

Yeah, we better get these song wars songs up somewhere to download soon otherwise.

But what do you do if you've got like, I mean, none of those garage band loops are copyright.

They're all copyright free, that's the whole point of garage band, right?

So once you've sung over them, does the copyright then become yours?

Does it revert to you because you've created a new thing out of it?

Or does the copyright of your singing refer to iTunes to Apple's?

Well, they haven't got any copyright on those loops.

I don't know.

I don't know!

I don't understand!

Anyway, last week, Song Wars was back after a little break and the challenge was for Joe and I to write a foreign song, a song in foreign, about a lady, film ladies of some kind.

And Joe went for, what did you do?

I went for a kind of smorgasbord of French actresses.

We've had a few emails about it.

Can I read some of them out?

Go on then.

Uh, this is from Philip Suberman... Superman?

I don't know, Sussman, yes.

Hi guys, greeting from the lovely city of Bamberg.

Uh, this week's Song Wars.

I thought it was one of the best wars ever.

I liked both tracks very much, and I'm quite torn about my vote.

Joe's song has such a feel-good touch to it, and I caught myself whistling along while walking around in the spring sun.

Guess you're in a good mood instantly.

I'm only reading this out because it's really nice about myself.

That's nice, it's very upbeat.

Joe's songs in general are very well produced, always very fitting to the atmosphere and just enough background instrumentation.

Unlike Adam, who tends to go a bit mad and overdo it.

That's true.

I'm only reading this out because it's the one that's nice about my one.

Adam's song was also very funny.

I loved the impression of Penelope's film titles and lyrics were a bit more creative than the ones of Mr Cornish.

That's as good as it gets for me.

We have other emails, like from David Clarke.

My vote this week goes to Adam for his depraved tale of lust and obsession.

I imagine, I imagine, with a huge 4-4 kick behind it, this tune would go down well at some sort of filthy cave rave for criminals in deepest, darker Spain.

Bumbata.

Yeah, Joe's was good too, but the word on the street is he's a copycat.

That's unfair, I think.

This one from Paul Thung, I think Adam's song is the clear winner this week.

He's always trying to do something different with the allotted task, whereas Joe seems a bit complacent.

Adam's work goes beyond song wars and could perhaps be released in a compilation or played in an art installation.

That's very nice, played in an art installation.

You could play fart noises in an arse installation.

But let's find out who won.

In an arse installation.

In an exactly.

That would be ideal.

Right, I'm gonna read this out this week.

Usually you guys do it.

Song Wars results.

Here's the piece of paper, ladies and gentlemen.

And the winner is... Oh!

Oh wow, it's a trouncing.

I've won it, ladies and gentlemen.

93%.

Adam with 93%.

You know, still, not the biggest trouncing in the history of Song Wars by any stretch.

You've trounced me with much more than that on many occasions.

But there you go, I can't pretend that I'm not delighted.

Thank you very much, listeners.

I can't pretend that I'm not furious!

Now, you're away next weekend, is that right, Joe?

Yes.

We have a guest presenter, guest co-presenter, who I'll tell you about a little bit later on in the show.

And we're also going to do a guest presenter song wars as well.

That's right, next week.

Yeah, so you get, like, about a month off song wars, you lazy so-and-so.

Only I, I might have written a song today.

Oh really?

Okay.

I don't, I might not.

It might not be a song.

Yeah, you can unveil that later on.

But right now it's time for me to play my winning song wars song.

This is about Penelope Cruz and it's all in Spanish and it's, it's slightly demented.

But I won!

I can smell this person's soul and I wanna get rid of him, you know.

Penelope Cruz, negusta siesta va en van de la ska y gothica y blue y volver que no edisto y otras no edisto se pare se nevotados pero ella es bonita She se penelope Cruz hola yo tengo pero negro y ojos hermosos pero peneno yo tengo esta ría a legre con ducier una legro y después aga una mierda y gante

Oh, Pero ne me.

Es me esto magabacido.

Ay, caramba.

E ra un armo esto largo.

Ooh, Penelope Cruz, mi llamos y mi stargas, mi stangas puerone chos para di Ooh, Penelope Cruz, mi llamos y estaba, un Sahara pica, un corral, mi smadoli con y ques.

There you go, that's my Penelope Cruz song.

Thank you very much listeners for voting that.

The winner of Song Wars this week, that's only my fifth win in the history of Song Wars, so I'm quite delighted about that.

And as I said, we'll tell you more about what's happening for Song Wars next week, later on in the programme.

But right now, here's some more real music.

This is from MGMT.

I think that's pronounced management.

And they're a kind of new, crazy, uh, tail and paste.

And it's tail and paste.

It's the management.

Paste, paste.

And this is called Time to Pretend.

MGMT, apparently it is MGMT rather than management or the management.

Uh, and they're from America.

And that's called Time to Pretend.

That was good, wasn't it?

I hadn't heard that before.

I enjoyed that they're playing at the South by Southwest BBC no it's not a BBC festival is it it's a six music night at South by Southwest rated by Steve LaMac and they're playing alongside I was a Cub Scout the pan I am Florence and the Machine and Wild Light that's all your favorite bands I love Florence and the Machine why can't we go to South by Southwest I want to go to Austin Texas

Come on!

Is that where it is?

That's the grooviest place in the whole of America.

I've been there.

I know you've been there.

I want to go over there as well.

Can we go?

Next year.

Exactly.

I agree with the joke.

Of course, nice.

I can't do that.

Okay, now, have you got anything there, Joe, that you wanted to tell the listeners?

Yeah, I'd like the listeners to watch out for a film poster this week.

It's all over the bus stops.

I think it's the worst film poster of the year.

Oh, I know exactly which one it is.

Which one is it?

Accidental Husband.

Yes.

Yeah, I was thinking that myself yesterday.

Really?

I made some notes.

It's a disgrace.

It's on the way to the tube.

I can't believe it.

And I could only think of three reasons why it's the worst film poster in the world, but they're powerful reasons.

Yeah.

The first is obvious.

It's identical to Bridget Jones's diary.

That's right.

They've thought the meeting was, uh, went a bit like this.

Bridget Jones's diary was a hit.

Yes.

Make this one the same.

Yes.

That was the end of the meeting.

Exactly.

Colin Farrell is in the film and he was in the other films too.

We could put him in the same position on the poster.

It's exactly the same, only in place of Helen Tights.

What was she called?

Bridget Jones lately.

Janine Stritmall.

Holding a diary.

What's she called?

That actress.

Yeah, there you go.

Renee Zellweger.

Greta Stilts.

In place of her, they've got Uma.

In place of Adari, there's a bouquet of flowers.

In place of a huge grunt is Colin Firth.

And in place of Colin Firth is some man called Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan?

the more in the British Isles is gonna get excited about seeing Jeffrey Dean Morgan the Morganator Morganator he's just a man nothing distinguishing about him at all and the other thing is which maybe you've got on your list there I want to say it

Go on, you say it then.

Colin Firth's photo is of a much lower resolution than everybody else's.

You get this quite a lot in the modern age, where it's so easy just to grab photographs off the internet and drag them into your magazine spread, but not usually into your major feature film poster.

And then you pull them and you overstretch them and and you know the structure of the the photo becomes pixelated and Firth is basically just grabbed from another film splodged in and stretched He even looks as if he's grabbed from the Bridget Jones pose.

He he's completely soft and out of focus.

Yeah

Whereas Jeffrey Dean Morgan, you can see every hair on his boring chin.

Well, presumably they phoned up Firth and said, Colin, is there any way you could do?

We could take some pictures.

We're making a poster for the film.

And Colin just said, no.

No, too busy.

I'm too busy.

I'm watching television this afternoon.

I can't come.

So don't worry.

It's OK, Colin.

We found a picture of you on another poster.

We'll just drag it from there.

It's fine.

No one will notice.

And, you know, the idea of that being a satisfying poster anyway is kind of depressing.

All film posters are these days of just a white background, the lead actor, and maybe one prop.

Yeah, and that's it.

You know, anything else is considered to be confusing.

And if you think back at the good old days when, you know, those amazing artists would do amazing kind of imagined collages of scenes from the film, you know, the Star Wars poster?

Yeah.

Or Indiana Jones.

I mean, obviously that's a fantasy film and stuff, and a romantic comedy's slightly different.

It's always been a bit more functional in the world of romantic comedy.

Romantic comedy, do you think?

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

But imagine if Star Wars had a similar poster design.

Darth Vader in the middle, against a white background, Han Solo on one side shaking a fist at them, and Luke throwing his head back and laughing on the other.

The tagline would be, you've never seen stars war quite like this.

They would have got more a bigger audience.

More money.

They would have got more money.

That's where they went wrong.

Anyway, keep an eye out for that poster.

What's it called?

The accidental husband.

Yeah.

He's shockingly poor.

That notion as well.

The notion of a whole accidental husband.

And if you work in the media and know anyone who has anything to do with that campaign, call in.

Call in, or on Monday, just slap them.

Don't give a reason.

I would like to speak to the people involved with that, because I bet you, because it looks like a mock-up, that poster, right?

I bet you there was something that happened, they had to rush release the poster or something, and they ran out of time and money and enthusiasm.

That's the result.

I would love to hear from anyone involved in that.

Give us a call.

What's the number?

Can people call us up?

No, they'd have to email Adamandjo.6 and then we would call them.

Or of course you can text.

The number is 64046.

You've got to be able to prove it though.

You have to prove that you're involved in the thing.

We'd cross-examine you.

Ask various coded questions.

Can't just be comedy conjecture.

Now it's time for some music that I've selected for you listeners.

This isn't even out yet, okay?

This is new music.

I dug this out from the promo bin.

I probably stole it off someone's desk here at 6 Music.

It's by Peter Muhren.

He's one third of the Swedish pop stars, Peter, Bjorn and John.

Of course they did the whistling one.

young folks, and he's got an album coming out called The Last Tycoon, which is out sometime in May, early May, and this is the single.

21st of April this is out, and I think it's quite good.

It's called Real to Real, but check this out.

Real is spelled R-double-E-L,

And two is spelt T-double-O, and then real is spelt like reality.

So there's about nine layers of meaning.

So there's a real.

Exactly.

That is too real.

It's too real.

This real is too real.

This is just too real.

It's real.

Check it out.

That was Peter Mirren with real to real.

The real was too real.

And that was sort of mellow and laid back.

We've got a little mellow theme going on today.

A fishing reel?

A reel of magnetic tape?

Right.

A Scottish reel, a kind of a dance.

Nice, a little jig there.

What else could it be?

Nothing, that's it.

That's it.

So one of those things is too real.

Yeah.

He likes imaginary fishing.

This reel is too real.

Anyway, as I said, that was out on, that is out on 21st April in the future.

Wow, I love the future.

Exactly, we all love the future.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music coming up to the top of our, and even though it's not quite 10 o'clock right now, I think we're gonna nudge the top of our sweeper forward a little bit.

Let's do it now!

That was Idlewild with Love Steals Us from Loneliness.

Is that new Idlewild or old Idlewild?

2005, so it's vintage.

No, it's not vintage, I suppose you'd say, but it's from a couple of years ago.

Let's put it that way.

I found my pastry listeners.

You'll be pleased to hear at the top of the show.

Oh, thank Christmas for that.

I know everyone's a little bit worried about it, you know, because I bought the pastry and then I came in to six music and suddenly, no pastry.

And I'm thinking, where's the pastry?

Turned out, I left it in the shop on the... Very Freudian moment for you.

Sweetie counter right in front of it.

When you lose your first pastry, it's a very important formative thing for a human being.

What does that say?

I'm getting senile, leaving my pastries behind.

That is apparently the first sign.

Losing track of your pastries is the first sign of old age.

What's happened to my pastries?

The fact that you're eating pastries, you've got flakes all over your jumper, flakes of pastry like a little old kernel.

It's my Saturday treat!

My pastry!

What's in your pastry?

Kind of a sort of a... Pastard?

No, it's like a cinnamon gel.

Ah, cinnamon gel.

Yes.

Do you know who manufactures that?

No.

Toshiba.

It's good.

Anyway, so one of our favourite actors, listeners, if you listen to our waffle regularly, you'll know that we like to follow the career of one of Britain's most thrusting young performance talents, Nicole Kidman, Danny Dyer.

Danny Dyer.

Danny Dyer works with a director called Nick Love.

They make such films as The Football Factory and, uh, what was the one called?

Where Sean Bean beat all the nances up?

Uh, the revenge slopes.

Stop it.

Stop it and shut up.

Yeah.

I forget what it was called.

What was the one where they went to Spain with all the money?

That was the business.

The boots.

The business.

Yeah.

Yeah, the business.

There you go.

And they're generally a pretty good team.

He was also in Severance.

Severance, yeah.

Which I saw this week.

What a strange film.

Yeah, odd one.

Very odd.

It's got some good moments in it.

Anyway, Dyer's never, um, you know, minces his words, does he?

He's been mouthing off this week, isn't he?

He has been mouthing off, yeah, in quite an entertaining style.

He's been mouthing!

And, you know, that makes him really great value for money.

Yeah.

Uh, Danny Dyer.

He doesn't sort of stand on ceremony.

He's not amazingly kind of, um, premeditated in the way he manages his career or public persona.

How old is he these days?

Four.

Four?

Which is really refreshing.

Yeah.

You know, it's refreshing to someone who's kind of uncensored.

He must be in his mid to late twenties, is he?

I suppose.

Maybe a bit older, I don't know.

Anyway, it always makes the commentary tracks on the DVDs of their film amazing to listen to.

If you haven't stuck in any of those films and listened to the commentary track, we do recommend it.

The business is amazing.

Football Factory is breathtaking.

There's even a little, you know, making of a bit of video on the DVD of Severance, a kind of Danny Dyer onset diary that's quite breathtaking.

Anyway, he's been mouthing off.

This week and this is what it said in the London paper on Thursday I quote in a completely unprovoked tirade angry Danny branded Orlando Bloom a rubbish actor and mocked James McAvoy's foppish looks You ready for this then?

So this is what Dyer says

Orlando Bloom, he's come straight out of drama school, gets Lord of the Rings trilogy, and goes and gets another trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean!

He's got all sorts of dough, loads of screaming girls chasing him, but he hasn't owned his craft yet, he's a rubbish actor!

I don't think anyone I've ever come across has said, you know what?

He's a good actor, that Orlando Bloom.

He's got a good name, and quite an irritating face.

Well man, he's only calling it like he sees it, isn't he?

Kapow!

That's fair enough, I would say.

Bloom, taken out.

Well, you know, Bloom's got his, um... Imagine that getting two trilogies.

Yeah.

How jammy can you get?

Double trilogies.

Who else has got that?

Was there anyone in the Lord of the Rings trilogy that was in Pirates as well?

No.

Don't think so.

I don't know.

Double trilogies.

He's right though, isn't he?

Dyer.

He's the jammyest actor in the world.

Dyer also mouths off at James McAvoy.

Do you want to hear what he's got to say about him?

How can he be down on McAvoy?

James McAvoy!

All these quotes start with the actor's name then a question mark.

He's absolutely gone flying.

BAFTA nominations presented at the Oscars.

Why?

Because he's running about with a floppy hairdo and he does period dramas.

I would say that that's unfair and unwarranted criticism from Dyer.

Yeah, casting agent.

We need someone with a floppy hairdo to play the lead in this period drama.

Hugh Grant's too old.

Hugh and McGregor's got spiky hair.

I know.

What about James McAvoy?

He's got the ideal hair.

I never thought of McAvoy as being floppy-haired in the way that Hugh- Hugh Grunt always was.

At the audition?

Great read, James.

Now, can we see what you can do with your hair?

Flop it around as if you've just been accused of rape.

Great.

Now, flick it back like you've just been caught having sex in a library.

Terrific.

You've got the part.

This is all a to- This is imaginary.

Atonement audition.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

I still haven't seen that film.

But Dyer, he's insane.

I think he's justified in going off on one about Bloom.

It's not something you're supposed to do, though, is it?

It's very bad form if you're in the entertainment business too, but, you know, we kind of do it all the time in a pathetic way, but to bad-mouth other people.

Yeah.

No.

Because now he can never be in a film with Orlando Bloom.

Well, it's gonna be very awkward out there being a big, big bruising fight.

You know what would happen?

They'd go out, they'd find that they were both very decent guys.

They'd go out.

Were they?

Drinky.

They might have to do a little bit of shoving each other in the shoulders and then they'd bond.

Don't fancy Bloom's chances in a fight with Dyer.

Tasty.

Dyer's probably tasty.

Yeah, he'd take him all the way out the back door.

Very well tasty.

Wouldn't be a lot of Bloom's pretty boy looks after that altogether.

the

keep a bit more shtum because it might limit his casting options.

When he's older and wiser, he'll look back and he'll say, oh, I used to may have awful up in the old days, back in the day, but I don't do that no more.

When he's the new generation's answer to Ray Winston.

When he's in his own trilogy.

Yeah.

That's what he needs.

That's what everyone dreams of.

I dream of a trilogy.

The lamp trilogy.

The lamp.

The boot.

Boot two.

Double boots.

Right now it's time for REM listeners.

And what are we doing?

Are we giving away tickets to an REM gig?

Uh, yeah, you can head to bbc.co.uk forward slash six music to find out how you can get your hands on tickets to see, uh, REM play live at the ICA.

Hey, that'd be good.

A nice little intimate gig.

Yeah.

We love the ICA.

That'd be fantastic.

This is Supernatural Super Serious.

REM with Supernatural Super Serious.

That's out on March the 24th.

That's gonna be the first single to be taken from their new album, Accelerate, out at the end of, uh, this month.

and you can head to bbc.co.uk forward slash six music to find out how you can get your hands on tickets to see them play the ICA that's a great venue because it's small exactly it's intimate and it's always amazing seeing a you know really big band

in an intimate venue.

Any tall people, you mean?

Like a band made out of big people.

What did I say?

A big band.

A big band, yeah.

Because they are fairly big, aren't they?

Peter Bucky's a big hulking man.

Stipey, he's sort of tall and thin, isn't he?

Or is he a little titchy man?

You never know, do you with pop stars?

You should just never know.

I used to love Adam Ant.

There should really be a button on, you know, a TV remote control that could give you the height of anyone on the telly.

Right, exactly.

Because it's always very hard to tell and it can sometimes be shocking when you see them in real life.

Well, you and I, people always shocked how what a disparity there is, height-wise.

I saw Harry Potter with my own eyes the other day.

Yes.

Couldn't believe it.

Teeny weeny.

I was standing right next to him and it was like he was a mile away.

Is he a little titchbox?

Tiny!

Wow.

But of course in the world of film acting that saves a lot of money because they build the sets much smaller.

That's true.

You know what?

I saw Ron Weasley the other day.

Did you?

Yes, I did.

Is that the name dropping sound?

That's the name dropping sound.

Nice one.

What's the name of the actor Ron Weasley?

Uh, Reg Howard.

yeah anyway I saw him and he was surrounded he had an entourage man because he was looking nonchalant yeah that guy's life must be hell he's cool he's the new Malcolm McDowell yeah yeah Malcolm McLaren but don't you reckon he must have a hard time wherever he goes

Oh, he has a wicked time.

And I saw him in a kind of grown-up drinking club.

His life's like a trailer for Skins.

Exactly.

Well, it looked, I mean, it looks as if he had the cast of Skins surrounding him like a little entourage there guarding him in case anyone came up and started ruffling his feathers.

Wait, someone text in that actor's name.

We can't remember what his name is.

Who plays Ron Weasley.

We're very bad and Harry Potter.

It's early in the morning.

What was the other fact that someone texted us in recently?

They said that we were okay, uh, MCPS-wise as far as the rights for our song wars songs went.

They reverted to us.

Hang on, you're going off on a tangent.

Stick to Weasley.

He looked, uh, very moody and... Did he?

He looked as if you shouldn't approach him.

Otherwise he would do magic.

Really?

Yeah.

He...

Give you a bit of his Thunderpants.

Was he in Thunderpants?

Of course he was.

He was the lead in Thunderpants.

Thunderpants.

Wasn't he?

That's right.

Thunderpants, of course.

Sorry to go off on another tangent.

Being one of those movies that just recycles the theme tune from another film.

Is that true?

In the case of Thunderpants, it was the theme from Ants.

Really?

And they just hijacked it.

I don't know if they hijacked it for the actual film, but it was all over the trails.

Over the trailer.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

And they just used it on Thunderpants.

Listen, listeners, coming up in a second, it's text the nation time.

The actor's name is, of course, Rupert Grint.

No, that was real name.

No one can remember the word Grint on a Saturday before noon.

I don't believe that's his real name.

I think all of our listeners just texted in a made up name there.

Here's a free play.

This is a... Are they... Were they German, trio?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is a classic.

This is trio with Da Da Da.

Toots and the Maytals with pressure drop.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

Before we get into Text the Nation, we've got an email for Danny Dyer.

Yeah, actually it's a text.

It's an anonymous text, made us laugh.

It says, Hi Adam and Joe, if you see Danny Dyer, can you tell him I've got a couple of trilogies, barely used in the back of the motor if he wants them?

Lovely trilogies.

Well, imagine getting your eyes on a lovely trilogies.

And we were thinking as well that trilogy some people texted or emailed us to say that of course other people who have appeared in double trilogies Harrison Ford Harrison Ford in in the Star Wars trilogy and of course Raiders the Lost Ark and That'll become a quad trilogy.

Oh the Raiders.

It's not a real word That word was invented by the aliens the people marketing the aliens box set.

No, they did it you quad trilogy It makes no sense

And also Hugo Weaving, who was the pointy-eared elf man in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and also in the Matrix trilogy.

He was Agent Smith in the Matrix trilogy.

Yes.

Danny Dyer, he's desperate for a trilogy.

Come on, someone out there.

No anyone who's got a spare one.

You've got a spare trilogy.

One of those Chinese blokes goes round the pubs with a briefcase full of trilogies.

Maybe a dirty trilogy.

He's desperate.

A filthy trilogy.

Danny wouldn't mind, you know what I mean?

We don't want him to have to do the football, what is it called?

The real football factories.

Have you seen that on Sky One?

The series.

The real football factories, where he goes off, he goes to football matches all round the world, watches it kicking off, as a Ziggy and goes all to you.

He presents that, doesn't he?

Yeah, he does, yeah.

Does he have a Ziggy?

As a little Ziggy.

On the screen.

I think he does.

I might be imagining that.

Excuse me, viewers.

I'm going to have a see.

I'm going to have a little ciggy and watch the match and watch the fight kicking off.

Oh dear.

Oh, tasty.

That bloke's tasty.

Look at that.

Oh, I'm going to have to have another see.

Oh, that's appalling now.

That bloke's tasty.

Yeah, that's what they say, is it?

Tasty means they like to punch each other.

Ah, yes.

Now I think it's time for...

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Right, we're not sure how this subject's gonna go down, but we're gonna try it anyway.

Text the Nation is, of course, the part of the show where you, uh, text things into us and we read them out, uh, in response to a question.

It's a new- it's a new kind of- It's a new idea.

Yeah, it's a new idea that we thought of and we're gonna make a lot of money on it.

Yeah, if this catches on, other shows might do it.

Yeah.

Um, but remember, you heard it here first.

Uh, the idea this week,

Uh, starts with pet names or nicknames for young children.

Uh, so pet names in the literal sense and the non-literal sense.

It doesn't have to be young children as well.

It happens with your partner or your loved ones.

Yeah, cute things.

Yeah.

Uh, and the idea is you give a pet

I'm going to stick to pets, because this is how it happens in my life.

You know, I do have people I love in my life, but mainly the cat.

It was called Macy.

I didn't name her.

She belonged to a neighbour, and then she just kind of moved in with us.

And the neighbour's since moved away.

She's a very nice cat.

She's called Macy.

But of course, you give a cat a name or a pet a name, and very quickly you get bored of that name and you start kind of rejigging it, remixing it, reversioning it.

So Macy became Mace Face.

Right.

Yeah.

Mace Face.

And then after a while we got bored of that.

So Mace Face became Macy Facey.

Uh-huh.

It was only a couple of minutes later.

Macy Facey became Measles.

Yeah.

Measles became Measly Weasly.

Measly Weasly became Ron Measly.

Nice.

Out of Harry Potter.

Very good.

Ron Measly became Feasibles.

Uh-huh.

Feasibles became Furry Sticks.

Furry sticks.

You make a little jump there.

I did make a jump.

So forget furry sticks.

But what we're after is kind of pet names that you then evolve like Chinese whispers or maybe declining a Latin verb.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly.

There has to be some kind of logical through line there because you do at certain points you just make a little logic jump, don't you?

Yeah, you start with Macy, end up with Ron Measley.

Right.

Or, well, I like furry sticks.

Yeah, well that's in reference to the cat's legs.

Exactly.

That's genius.

I think all cats should be called furry sticks.

We also call her woolly face.

And that turns into when she's haranguing us for food woolly bully.

A woolly bully.

And sometimes verbal features.

There you go.

You know, and you do this with your children and with your partner sometimes.

You don't do it with your parents so much, do you?

You don't call, you don't have kind of- No names for your dad and stuff.

No, unless you're really pathetic.

You know, exactly.

We would discourage them.

Parents are authority figures.

That's right.

Yeah, you don't give them demeaning pet names.

No, and you wouldn't do that to the Prime Minister, for example.

That would be simply awful.

It would be disrespectful and it would undermine his authority.

But what's your point?

I don't know.

No, my point is that I think if people are texting us or emailing us, then I'm interested to hear their pet names for their children and husbands and wives and partners as well.

Deal is the- the way they evolve.

Yeah, we wanna hear the evolution.

We wanna know where you start, you started somewhere sensible, and then gradually, as you got bored of calling it that name, the name evolved.

So we want those little lists- lists of names.

Like my- my son, uh, my younger son is called Natty.

Uh, so we call it.

I would immediately go for Natty Dread.

Right, and I'd probably go for Judge Dread.

Would you?

Yeah, and then I'd be off on a whole 2000 AD.

Never went there.

We never went there.

That avenue lies ahead of us.

Instead, we went, uh, Nat, and then Nut, and then Nutty, and then Go Nutty, and then Go Nuts, and then very dangerously close to an anatomical word.

Yeah, exactly.

Uh, he doesn't know that.

And then Gotard,

It's insulting.

It's a little bit insulting if he's behaving like an idiot.

And then go-nust and... What does where does go-nust come from?

It's kind of go-nuts with the letters mixed round.

Swap round, yeah, but where does it come from?

Oh, go-nust it blows from the east.

I don't know what.

So you get the kind of thing, listeners.

Please text us on 64046 or email adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

You can communicate via either of those methods.

We read the emails instantly.

You know what?

You can communicate with either of those methods with anyone you want as well.

It's not just us.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm not sure that's true.

No, maybe not.

Um, so there we go.

That's Texanation this week.

Get him coming in.

Uh, now what's, what is it now?

It's time for the news read by a man, I think.

This is a recording of, um, something that happened to me last night.

Which one were you there?

The one, the first one.

It's my girlfriend.

Is that you saying get in the car then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get in the car!

Yeah, it's just an incident with the milkman yesterday morning.

Why'd you put that accent on there?

It's just how I talk off air.

This is a persona.

Oh.

Yeah.

When you get back to Stockwell, that's how you talk.

Yep.

Everyone talks like that in Stockwell.

It's near Brixton.

It's the most violent and deadly place in the country.

Now folks, I'm sorry to tell you this, but Joe and I are going to be fired.

Yeah, we've had a mess in the studio.

We've had an accident in the studio, a spillage of information all over the floor.

And it's information concerning REM.

We've been horribly misinformed about this whole REM business.

They're not playing at the ICA.

They're playing at the Royal Albert Hall and they've got some kind of exhibition at the ICA.

What's more, the gig is in honour of the ICA.

Right.

What's more, you can no longer get tickets.

No, the lines have been closed, so it looks like it's curtains for this show.

You know, it's a lot... It's a phone vote scandal.

People are up to their heads.

People have been fired for a lot less than less from the big British castle.

All we can say is it wasn't our fault.

That's what they all say.

Yeah.

That doesn't wash at the Big British Castle.

We're off then.

We're going to be tarred and feathered.

Alan Carr's back next week.

Pushed off the ramparts.

For the foreseeable future.

It's been lovely being on air.

Thanks very much.

We'll see you on the Big Al.

For all your... Where's the Big Al?

It's some radio station with old DJs on it by the seaside.

Oh, good one.

Very good old DJs.

Free candy floss.

Exactly, yeah.

If we're lucky we'll go on the Big Al.

So yeah, sorry about that.

If you tried to get on the website there for the REM tickets and... Whose fault was that?

Can we put some blame on something?

Was it really?

Was it Charlotte?

Charlotte, come in here, please.

Come in here.

Charlotte, Charlotte, just come in here.

What are we gonna do?

We're just gonna make an effort to apologise.

We're gonna do some humiliating... Come on, Charlotte, come over here.

This is Charlotte.

Do you like to apologise?

Yes, I'm very, very sorry.

Say, dear listeners,

Dear listeners.

I'm very sorry.

No, I'm very sorry.

I'm very sorry.

For do what I do.

Bye bye.

Bye.

There we are.

Didn't say the second bye there.

She did.

You're fired.

Thank you very much.

Clear your desk.

Clear your desk, pack your bags, get your coat and get out.

So yeah, sorry about that, REM fans.

What did we offer them as a sop, a fob or whatever you want to call it?

Nothing.

You can listen to the gig.

on the Stuart McConey and Mark Lard show.

What is Lard's first name?

Eric.

Listen, let's have some music.

This is a free play from you, isn't it Adam?

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm a big Robin Hitchcock fan and this is from his album, I, which was re-released recently.

And if you're a Van Morrison fan,

which I think a lot of our listeners will be, then maybe you're familiar with the album Wieden Fleece.

That's one of my favourite Van Morrison albums.

It's a sort of just after Astral Weeks and it's an absolute, absolute mess.

That's how you pronounce the phrase absolute mess.

Absolute mess.

Um, and this song, Raining Twilight Coast by Robin Hitchcock, is sort of indebted to a track, uh, from that Van Morrison album called, uh, Streets of Arclo, I think it's called.

But this is Raining Twilight Coast by Robin Hitchcock.

Enjoy!

That was, uh, The Slits with Typical Girls.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

It's time now!

Text-a-nation!

Text, text, text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

It's text the nation time, this is the part of the show, listen carefully, because this is complicated, where we give you a subject, and you text us about it, and we read them out.

So what was the middle part?

Uh, I'd forgotten.

I wish you'd have made a note there.

Anyway, the subject this week is evolving nicknames.

For pets, or children, or loved ones.

You give them a kind of a nickname, you get bored with it quickly, you start to evolve that nickname.

until it becomes kind of like a weird game of Chinese whispers and ends up something that nobody could possibly deduce where it came from.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does.

So, I've only done the emails so far.

We've had a lot in.

I'll try and go through the text when we get a longer record, but here are some emails.

This is from Emily Poston.

She says,

Is that how you pronounce Sicily?

C-I-C-E-L-Y.

Sicily.

Yeah.

Quite suitable for the blonde muppet she was.

Happily for all concerned, I think, this has in the intervening years morphed into cis-pass, parson, arson-parson, and often fondly into pass-hole.

A move to the mellower west country led to my attempt to impose pass-i-ri on her?

I think I'm pronouncing some of these wrongly.

This continues to sit uncomfortably with her all-consuming antipathy for all things mellow.

I love her.

Oh, that's nice.

Isn't that nice?

That's a wonderful journey.

That's good.

Parsehole, though.

Parsehole?

This is one from Ryan Stains.

I've got a friend called Laura.

Once, when pronouncing her name in a funny way, I noticed it sounded like Lou Roll.

Ah, that turned into Bog Roll, since that was funnier to shout in the street.

Someone changed that to Bog It, which was meant to be nicer.

Somehow that devolved again into Bogonoggers.

She is now a barrister and has been known to call herself Ginger Ninja Lawmaster Laura.

Bogonoggers is good.

Bogonoggers.

A trained barrister.

Would Bogonoggers please come to the stand?

I have many names for my cat, says Alison Shaw, who is named Lemmy.

He is named after Lemmy Kilmeister's mole.

He's Lemmy Kilmeister from Motorhead.

Okay.

This can also be Lem, Lemlem, or the Lemster.

Anyway, when I got him, he was kind of lackluster, according to my vet, so I started to call him Scruggy.

Scruggy Scruggs, which then became the Scrugglet.

That mutated to Scrabbly, or Scrabbles when feeling formal, Scrabulous junks.

When he's bad I say No Way Jose, as in No Way Jose, but pronounced wrong.

What?

No, no way Josie.

I don't know.

Anyway, there you go.

So that went from Scruggy Scruggs, Scruggly, Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabulous Junks.

Scrabulous Junks is good.

I like where they end up.

These names often, you know?

Yeah.

Gareth Owens says, hello, my name is Gareth.

At the age of eight, I unfortunately acquired the nickname Garfield, which was regrettably shortened to Garf and stayed that way for some years.

I went to college, tried to lose it, but it still lingered like a foul smell.

My brother modified the name to Garfi, which I quite like.

We've got a habit of putting the in front of people's names, so it became the Garfi, which I like even more.

It eventually changed into the Garf C, which when typed into a text message comes out the hard she.

Whoa!

Which the very same brother decided to use as El Hadchi Libre.

And now a lot of the time he just says Libre.

You see, that's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for.

That is an insane journey.

Finally, Andrew Morris.

Hello, A and J. Over the course of our eight year relationship, my ex named be thus.

Andrew.

Drew.

Drewbington.

Drewy.

Drewby.

Drewby Madraws.

Drewby Draws.

That doesn't go so far, really, does it?

Keep these coming in.

We're looking for, you know, the most bizarre and weird evolution of a nickname for a pet or a friend or a loved one.

Here's another one from Jennifer Rachel Burks.

I went to a sixth-form college in the early 90s with someone called Jonathan Thorpe, who went by the nickname Temps.

That came from the following logic strand.

Thorpe equals Thorpey.

Sounds like Thorpey.

Ad6 is 10p.

Becomes temps.

Ad6 is 10p.

I put that bit in because it just goes Thorp, Thorp, 4p, 10p, temps.

Do you remember our friend Chris Cook?

He had quite a tortured... Evolution of nicknames.

Yeah, it started off Chris Cook and then Dr. Hook, he was called.

And then after that it was just the doctor for a while and then Hookles and then Dr. Spock.

and then Spockles and then Spockta Spockta's a good one and then oh yeah and then and then variations on there was a little fork that went in the doctor road you know yeah so it went he turned into Doc Ock for a while ah like Dr. Octopus yeah exactly and yeah Doc Ock and Spock I've got a few

Joe, Joe Bowe.

The Cornmeister.

I have to have a think about those.

Cornballs.

You must have a few as well.

No, I never had any.

We talked about this before, but I was always very jealous of people who had nicknames.

I've got nothing except obscene variations on Buxton.

Keep your nickname evolutionary strings coming in.

The email is adamandjoe.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

The text is 64046.

Here's Johnny Flynn with his leftovers.

Come on.

Come on, Johnny.

There you go.

Delicious, uh, freshly squeezed orange juice for you there, listeners there.

Let's rip it up, of course.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.

It's Saturday morning, we're in the last hour of the show now.

Uh, who's coming up at noon?

Is it Liz?

What, you know, we don't, we don't know, we're not gonna say anything, in fact, you're not anymore.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

But listen, as Adam mentioned earlier in the show, I'm unfortunately in dispose next weekend, so Adam's got a guest presenter sitting in, but before we get to that, we're doing song wars every other week at the moment, listeners, and to be perfectly honest, I'm a little bit jealous that someone else, the mystery guest presenter,

He's gonna get to do a song wars.

I like doing song wars and I've really gotten to the habit.

I was a bit grumpy about it when we first started and complained about the workload but I got into the habit and I can't stop doing songs.

The songs just gotta come out.

It's just gotta come out.

I've got music in you.

It's fun.

And you know, sometimes they're not very good like the following.

But this week I just couldn't stop myself from doing a song and I knew I wasn't allowed to write a song.

I thought it might make you upset.

So I've written a song that isn't really a song.

It's called This Is Not A Song, This Is It.

This is not a song.

It does not exist.

This is not a song.

If you think you hear

And it's out of tune, it does not make sense It's out of sequence, it suddenly stops

This is not a song

Yeah.

Well, it's like the Beatles, isn't it?

Is it?

It's very similar to a lot of the Beatles.

What do you mean?

Experimental music, like something that maybe would have turned up on the Yellow Submarine album there.

It reminds me of a Tonya Northern song.

It's very deconstructionist.

There's a lot of ideas going on there.

Did you buy a new set of plugins for GarageBand there?

I bought something called a Chaosolator.

Chaosolator?

Have you heard of the Chaosolator?

Pop the K-Oscillator into YouTube.

K-A-O-S-C-I, you know, oscillator on the end.

Like a chaos pad or something.

Yeah, that'll teach you all that.

Is that a bit of hardware?

It's basically, what was the Rolf Harris thing called?

The stylophone.

Stylophone, yeah.

It's a stylophone for the noughties.

Brillo pads, K-Oscillator.

K-Oscillator.

It's brilliant, also very frustrating.

You'll see why if you have a look at the films of people using them on YouTube.

Uh-huh.

Well that was, that was extraordinarily strange, thanks for sharing that with us.

It was only short.

And we're not asking people to vote for that.

No, just ignore that.

Pretend it didn't happen.

It was just a little burst, a little creative ejaculation there from Joe Korsch.

Yeah, all over the ears.

Alright.

Now, my presenter next week, my guest co-presenter, will be the film director and pop video genius, Garth Jennings.

He's an old friend of both of us, me and Joe, we met him ages ago.

He'll do a ruddy good job.

Yeah, I'm sure he will.

And he's got a film coming out.

That's not the reason that he is co-presenting, incidentally.

It's a convenient coincidence.

He's got a film called Son of Rambo coming out.

Talk about convenient coincidences.

They made the film over a year ago, but it was sort of held up as far as getting it released went.

So now it's turned out that it's being released about a month after Rambo.

So that's quite good, isn't it?

It's got nothing to do with Rambo, other than the fact that it's about some, uh, young boys in the 80s making a cut.

It's got quite a lot to do with Rambo.

Yeah, thematically, a little bit, but that's where the similarity matters.

Yeah, but a kid who doesn't have a telly, who's from a puritanical religious background, who sees Rambo in the 80s on home video, and it changes his life, and he goes about making a kind of, uh, kiddie version of Rambo.

Yeah.

It's great.

It's hitting cinemas soon.

It's more of a rites of passage thing, though, than a kind of recreation of Rambo.

It's a must-see.

Yeah, absolutely.

I've got, like, a little minor scene in there.

Hey!

Oh, I thought you were gonna talk about something else.

No, no, no.

What?

You've got a little disease or mole.

Oh, I've got a little, uh, winky.

Uh, no, I pop up in Son of Rambo very briefly.

But anyway, Garth is gonna be co-presenting next week.

Of course, as well as being a film director, he also directed amazing pop videos like Pumping on Your Stereo, the one with the Muppets for Supergrass, Coffee and TV with the little milk carton for Blur, and many others.

You can ask him about that next week, listeners, if you like.

And Garth is gonna be taking part in Song Wars.

And the Song Wars challenge for next week, which Garth and I have to fulfill,

is we've got to create songs using members of our family.

It can be any family member.

We've just got to make a song with them in it.

It can't be us singing.

So that song was for next week and you'll hear what we came up with then.

But for the time being, that's it for Information Zone.

Here's Elbow with Grounds for Divorce.

That's Elbow with Grounds for Divorce.

Right now it's time for...

Text the nation!

Text, text, text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Yes, Text the Nation, this week is all about evolving nicknames where you give someone a name or a nickname and then over the weeks and months it evolves into something completely different that a novice could never possibly trace back to the origin.

We've had lots of very nice emails and texts.

Nice is the wrong word, isn't it?

No, nice is a good word.

I'm using.

I like the word nice.

We used to have a teacher at school who banned the word nice teachers hated it Yeah, and everyone as an end of term present used to bring her nice biscuits, you know Yes, I know some of them and laugh in your face.

You should have shoved those biscuits right in her face That's what you should have done.

I'm joking.

You should never shove biscuits in people's faces It's very dangerous, but I think everyone who has slowly and softly that's fun That's sexy if you just press it on the end of the nose very softly and then wait till it does crash

Hey, listen, if you moisten the biscuits first with warm water, that's a whole different thing.

If you dunk them and then push them in someone's face, that's a sign of love.

But everyone has teachers who do that, don't they?

Like English teachers, they're always saying, don't use the word nice.

I'd ban that word.

If I see that in an essay, you get a minus mark thing, you know, immediately.

And I've never had a problem with word nice.

I like it.

It's nice.

Okay, here are some of those emails.

This is from Dave in Cheltenham.

Morning chaps, our eldest son is named Joshua, which was obviously shortened to Josh.

This quickly became Joshmosh, then mishmash, then Michigan.

That's very good.

That's a good one.

Here's one from A Collins, Andrew Collins, I'm not sure.

My little sister's called Georgina.

This was swiftly turned into Georgie and George, but strangely moved in the tyrannical direction of Genghis.

That was too brilliant to let go of, so we stuck with it.

Genghis.

That's a quite odd one, isn't it?

Good.

Genghis is nice.

So, this is from John Bateman.

Hi, we inherited a cat when we bought our house, imaginatively named Thomas, which obviously wasn't interesting enough.

He became Tom.

Tom-o.

Thompson.

And whatever Tom derivatives came to mind, including Tomkin.

And that naturally led to Battleship Potomkin.

I don't think he understands the role he played in Russian history, but he answers to it.

But then he answers to anything.

I think he might be a bit deaf.

John Bateman and Judith Winters in Scarborough.

Thank you very much for that.

That's excellent.

Battleship Potomkin.

Brilliant.

Russ Jones.

Dear Adam and Jo.

My mother had a cross between a Chihuahua and a Chinese crested powder puff.

Does that exist?

It was a cartoon character.

It was originally named Webster after Webster Booth, who died on the day that she bought him.

Webster naturally turned into Webby, and then became Webby Woo Woo.

This somehow evolved into Webby Woozle, in reference to the Winnie the Pooh story, where Pooh and Piglet walk around and round a tree in search for two Woozles and one Weasel.

Webby Woozle became just Woozle and then turned into Woo Woo Woozle.

Finally, any combination of Webby's, Woo Wooz and Woozle's was accepted.

The dog died of a brain tumour.

I was wondering why I was reading that one out and then I realised.

Not because of the nicknames though.

Possibly, I think.

It's very confusing for a dog.

Leon Trigg has sent Dear Adam and Jo.

Oh no, sorry, this is from Amy and Brighton.

email address says Leon Trigg.

She's piggybacking on someone else's Wi-Fi.

It's illegal.

Dear Adam and Jo, we have a lovely fluffy cool customer of a cat called Sydney and then Denny off the back of Sydney.

I suppose Sydney became Denny, becomes Den, becomes Denzel, became Denzel Washington, becomes Denzel Washington Cat.

If it's a Denny day, we can sing the blondie song Denny Denny I'm so in love with you.

Ooo ooo.

That's pretty good.

Denny Denny I think you'll find.

Denny Denny says yes.

Denzel Washing Cat.

That's very good.

Harold Dalton says my girlfriend is called Helen which soon became Helly, which became Smelly, which became Stinky, which became Ugly.

She loves it!

What ugly!

Elise Richardson, our dog is called Ruby.

When she was hungry, we used to say that she was hungry-pungry.

We then started calling her Pungry.

Now she's called Pungs.

That's weird.

That doesn't go far enough, does it?

For you, you look disappointed.

Well, yeah, that's the journey that's only halfway complete.

Yeah.

I'd like them to get back to me in a year.

John Vowles says, my daughter Alice has a great pet name.

Here's how it happened.

Alice became Ali.

Ali became Ali Bongo.

Ali Bongo became Alfonso.

Alfonso has become Fonzie.

Oi, Bonzi!

That's good.

You'd never track that back to Alice, would you?

Never.

Wouldn't happen.

The tracks are perfectly well covered.

Tom Bacon says, I had a friend at school called Adam.

His real name was Sam, but he didn't like that name.

That's a different story.

When we found this out, we used to call him Spam, which then evolved to Spoon.

He was also called Baboon alongside this, as he looked a little bit like a baboon.

We then merged these two names, and he became known as Spaboon.

says Tom Bacon well I'm jealous I sympathize what's the boon you could hang on what's the boon from Adam yeah you could take a spoon I never had any that's no good I tell you what let's let's wrap up text the nation shortly there's a lot more that we can do but first is a bit more music for you listeners now you chose this one didn't you Joe what is it it's Erica bar do

Yeah, this is the new Erica Badu album.

She's a terrific singer.

If you don't know any Erica Badu and want to know how to get into her, then if you haven't seen Dave Chappelle's film Block Party, rent that out and watch it on a really good hi-fi on a big screen.

And Erica Badu does an amazing couple of songs in there.

And she's got a new album out.

It's a very important, difficult, mysterious album.

It's called something like New America Part 1, but America's spelt all funny.

Because it has a concept album.

It certainly is.

The cover has her face, a painting of her face, and she's got a big afro, but it's not an afro made of hair.

It's made of all kinds of symbolic little symbols.

Symbolic junk.

Yeah, you know, it's one of those album sleeves you can get lost in.

Yeah.

Lots of messages in.

Concept album's coming back in, I think.

This is her new single, It's Great, and it's got a fantastic squidgey synth on it that reminds me of my childhood and is sort of the sound of going through very thick mud in wellies.

Ooh.

Yeah, this is Erica Badoo with Honey.

There we go, Erica Badoo with Honey, and weirdly, that's the hidden track on the album.

Oh, that's often the case.

Sometimes it's... Is it that's happened before, has it?

Well, you get, like, a really good hidden track, you know?

I mean, there's nothing worse than a really bad hidden track.

That's her first single off of it, and it's the hidden track.

Right.

So it was... I was a bit, um, you know, disturbed when I got it.

That's very strange.

Oh, man, I was looking for that song, and I...

I thought, man, the single's not on the album.

The name of the single isn't on the back of the album.

Well, sometimes what happens is the band does a stopgap single, do you know what I mean?

But something that between albums... To keep up interest.

To keep up interest, but it's not really in keeping with the spirit of the album that eventually gets released, so they either miss it out completely or they have it as a little hidden track there.

It's a good album though, I do recommend it.

If you like that kind of thing, if you don't like that kind of thing... What happens if you don't like it?

Well, I wouldn't buy it.

I think you'll be misinvesting your money.

Right.

That's city news here on the Adam and Jo Radio Show.

Very important news.

Now before the real news, here are the Lunatic Fringe, also known as CSS with Off The Hook.

Yeah, they're off the hook.

That's CSS.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Time now for the news at 11.30, read by Nicki Cardwell and Andre Payne.

Hmm.

Brit Award winner Kate Nash with Mary Happy.

That's the fifth single to be taken from her debut album, Made of Bricks.

Surely, I mean, with the best will and the best skills in the world, she's never going to be able to equal the success of Made of Bricks.

Don't you reckon?

The first album?

It's bad to be negative about music that you play on your show.

Usually we take care for one of us to be enthusiastic about a record.

Can't manage it.

Oh, come on, I loved it.

That was my favourite song.

There we go.

Listen, we might do for Song Wars in the week after the week after next, we might go for Kate Nash style songs.

Kate Nash songs.

I've always wanted to do a Kate Nash song.

See if we can out-nash each other.

I think it'd be hard to do the accent, though.

I might have to do a sort of parallel universe Kate Nash.

I don't know.

I think it would be easy.

That's quite good.

Because I got spots on my bum and I'm feeling real sleazy.

Oh, you're already one step ahead there.

I've had a cup of tea.

My best friend's calling.

You've got to talk about how rubbish your boyfriend is as well.

He is rubbish.

I wish he'd go away.

That's good.

Thanks.

You could get a chance on, son.

You could get a chance on.

so yeah okay then uh... so next week on song wars me and garth are battling it out for songs with relatives in them and thereafter two weeks vents it'll be song wars um... with kate me and joe doing kate nash songs brilliant all stuff to look forward to there now let's wrap up text the nation jingle jingle my jangles text the nation text text text text the nation what if i don't want to text the nation but i'm using email is that a problem it doesn't matter

We're talking about evolving nicknames, nicknames that sort of start sensible, then you get bored with them, so you twist and change them until they become a word whose logic you can't possibly trace back to any kind of sense or origin.

A mangled distant cousin.

Thank you very much.

This is from Lindsay in Glasgow.

My friend Stiff got his name thus.

His name was Graham McClure, which changed into Mcglue.

then into glue stick, and then from stick into stiff.

That's good.

Yeah?

How do you go from stick to stiff?

Oh, steezy.

Sticky?

Stiffy?

Fair enough.

Stiff?

Thanks, thanks, you've answered the question.

Stufuls?

This is from Matt.

My mate at school became knickers from Anthony.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

I'm not sure how, but it went to Antenoid, then to Noid, then to Droid.

Nice.

That's quite good.

Oi!

Droid!

He also has my cat cobweb.

It's now known as Colly Wobbles.

Our cat, says Stee in Wirral, is called Milo, which is transformed into Millua, Putti Millua, Putti Musieu, Musieu Stench, Cat Head, Cat Face, Cat Face Killer.

Cat face killer is good.

Yeah, why cats are hideous murderers.

They're awful.

Whenever you think they're all sweet, they'll go and disembowel a baby hen or something.

They are cold-blooded.

Toss them around.

Spiritually, that is.

Yeah.

My kitten's called Lynn.

This one's anonymous, I think.

And gets called Linica, which is how she is sometimes known as Gary.

Nice.

Yeah, that's fairly straightforward.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Two steps.

Yeah.

Well, it's only a text.

My cat Eric evolved to Rick Rock.

I guess you go from Eric to Rick.

Yeah.

From Rick to Rick Rock, based on the name of the guy who sang It Wasn't Me with Shaggy.

Now it's become Truck Stop.

That's good.

Eric, Rick, Rick Rock, Truck Stop, to Hairy Trucker.

Nice.

Yeah.

The next step is going to be obscene, isn't it, from that?

Yes.

My sister started with Nina, then became Nienz, then Nina Noona, then Noony, Noony Noone, Goon, Goose, Loose Goose, Goon Face, I now call her Marvino Gravel Balloon Face.

Hang on, who's that from?

I thought maybe Nina Nana would be in there somewhere.

Nina Nana, yeah.

Is she still the entertainment correspondent for London Tonight?

Which is an excellent news programme if you live in the London area.

Just looked at the text and we've had quite a little flurry of texts complaining there about the playing of the Kate Nash.

Oh, come on.

She's only, what is she like, 13?

She's 14.

Um, dear Adam and Joe, this is from Ali.

I was at university with a boy called Mark Manson-Barr, who was so insanely posh that the only possible thing to call him was Mark Panson-Barr.

When his brother came up... Wait, Mark Manson-Barr?

Yeah.

That is an amazing name.

Mark Panson-Barr.

When his brother came up once to celebrate his birthday, we simply called him Thong.

This was 12 years ago.

That's probably a lawyer now as well.

Very good.

My sister is the wigwam.

Why?

It is the wigwam.

Why?

Here's why.

Her name is Fran.

Obviously after that was flan.

Then fat flan.

Then cheese flan.

Then cheese flan, the cheesy wigwam.

Finally abbreviated to the simple form wigwam.

That's from Rowan.

Very good.

Pretty good.

Wiggles would have been nice after that as well.

Could have popped wiggles in there.

Timothy Parry says, My brother Simon has seen his name mutate in the following fashion over the last 20 years.

Simon, Paimon.

Very common.

Fair enough.

From Paimon to Pi.

From Pi to Pig.

from pig to skip from skip to skip from skip to moses skip to moses skip to moses skip to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses to moses

Ahem.

Did you check these before you read them?

No, I don't.

I don't have time.

There's so many of them.

Okay, you're allowed two more and then we have to wrap up.

Two more.

All right, all right.

Text the nation this week.

Oh gosh.

Still got more music to play.

My name is Sarah, which became Saz, which became Soos, which inexplicably became Squiddoo, Soos Squiddoodle, which was shortened to Squid, which is what my mum still calls me today.

But when I answer to Squid in mixed company, people give me funny looks.

Mmm.

It's always strange when parents do keep working the nickname in public.

Your parents don't have an insane nickname for you, do they?

My dad calls me Bobo.

Does he?

And he sometimes calls it to me, uh, calls me that quite loudly in the street.

In the street.

Hello Bobo!

Bobo!

I love it.

I love him and I love it.

He can do no wrong.

I never knew you were called Bobo by your dad.

He can hit me across the head with a cricket bat and I'd still give him a hug.

Yeah, exactly.

Especially if he called you Bobo just after he hit you.

Bobo.

There you go.

Plus it's Bob Hoskins, isn't it?

Only Bobo.

Only the best.

Do you want one more?

Last one.

I can't tell you whether this is any good or not.

I haven't really read it.

This is from Helen.

An old friend of mine called Rachel decided when we were about 13 that she wanted to be known as Pick from now on.

We found this a difficult transition, so to ease ourselves in, we came up with a string of nicknames.

To begin with, Pick became Pickles or Captain Pickles.

Following the Pickled Good strand, she became Pick a Lily.

This inevitably became Piccadilly Circus.

There was even a song for her.

Pick, pick, pick, pick, pickles.

Lay a little egg for me.

But I'm not sure where that one came from.

It came from the post-war variety halls.

So she, she could never have foreseen that.

Why did she want to be called Pic in the first place?

To know that's bizarre.

Being called Helen.

I've been called Nellie, smelly Nellie, Nellie the elephant, melon, lemon.

And when I was in school, one of my best friends latched onto hell.

Yeah.

I've been to hell and back.

Thanks very much for all your texts and emails this week.

We really appreciate all of them, and sorry if we didn't read yours out.

You know, we don't want to get into a big fight about it, okay?

But we'll be back, of course, next week with more of the same sort of stuff.

From the nation's favorite feature, text the nation.

Feels like we should have an outro jingle.

Yeah, you did well there.

Yeah.

We've never really sort of closed it or wrapped it up in.

I was wrapping it up.

That way.

That felt really good.

I put a little bow on it.

Finally closure.

Yeah.

Now here's the strokes with When It Started.

That's brilliant there.

That's one of my favourite songs by The Strokes.

I think that is a B-side of a... maybe the last night single.

It's just a smash.

I wouldn't mind some more strokes, please.

They must be working on something new.

Another slice of strokes.

They're too busy being very rich and swanning around in New York.

And sexy.

Have they got rid of all their celebrity girlfriends?

I think they might have done, you know.

I think they may have done.

So wise move.

It's always a wise move.

Better it's been normal.

Get safer.

Get rid of Decad and A, surely.

Hey listen, earlier we were talking about the, what we believe to be currently the worst film poster on display in the Great British Isles, which is for a film called The Accidental Husband.

Got a dreadful example of low resolution photoshoppery on Colin Firth's face.

Yeah, very low rate.

And a number of people have emailed in pointing out other...

Photoshop-style inconsistencies in film posters, and we're thinking this could kind of run as a sort of minor strand, because it's often very frustrating when you see a film poster and, you know, the body is clearly a different person than the head.

The other thing they do sometimes is to flip the image round from left to right, you know, to mirror the image.

Yes.

If someone is facing the wrong way and they want them to just face from left to right rather than the other way round, they just flip it round.

But when you do that to a picture, it often looks very weird.

Something odd happens.

Like if you just flip round a picture of someone you know or whatever, they look wrong if you mirror that image.

Well, especially if they're wearing something that has a word on it.

Exactly.

Or something.

Then it's completely backwards, but someone sent in an email saying this is from Mike Wheatley.

He says, I'm glad it's not just me.

I saw that poster on London Bridge the other day.

I'm a retoucher by trade, so I notice rubbish Photoshop work as a matter of course.

I can understand why they won't be able to shoot the three of those actors together, but it looks like Firth had his shot done by the local free paper photographer.

They've spent the retouching budget on her face to make her look like a Stepford wife.

He's way too magenta.

Next on my film poster hit list is the new film, Get Smart.

Have a look at his left foot.

You see it from full on underneath.

There's no way on earth you can have it in that position.

Get Smart.

Who stars in Get Smart?

It's Mr. Man, Dan in real life.

Steve Carroll.

Oh, he's going on a little downward spiral there, isn't he?

Now, here's my final choice for you this week, listeners.

This is by Suicide.

They're from New York, and they're kind of a crazy art punk band.

And this, if you remember, if you listened to us last year, we did songs based, for Song Wars, songs based on the instructions from IKEA Meatballs.

And my song, Meatballs, was more or less based on this track by Girl.

It's sexy, it's minimal, it's suicide.

Stop it!

You're touching my cakes!

Don't touch my cakes!

That's why he's like the guy.

You see, Martin Rever is he called?

My profiterole is glazed with honey.

You have touched it with your fingers now so stickiness on your fingers from my profiterole.

Licks of stickiness from your fingers.

I can't finish my sausages.

My profiterole has become stuck to this.

Don't you like my sausage?

Peel the doily from the profiterole.

He's not German.

I don't know why I'm doing that voice.

But that's what it sounds like.

He sounds like a filthy German man on that song.

That's disgusting.

That was Girl by Suicide.

This is Adam and Joe here on 6 Music.

It's pretty much it for the show this week, folks.

Yeah, we must remind you that you're able to listen to this entire show live on the BBC 6 Music website or you can go to iTunes or the 6 Music website or, I don't know, other sites.

What do podcasts and download the edited version as of 6 p.m.

tomorrow?

It only stays up there for a week, don't forget.

Quick.

Yeah, people have emailed us to ask us why the, you know, the iTunes thing doesn't have a back catalogue of podcasts.

Just don't.

That's something to do with the Great British Castle's licensing laws, the whole big contract between the tax-paying public and... The big British contract.

Yeah, no one understands it.

Uh, the thing you have to do is subscribe.

If you just press the subscribe button on iTunes, they'll pop into your inbox.

Then you can keep them at home, then you can upload them to BitTorrent, which would be wrong.

No.

But there's sure to be some nutter out there collecting them.

And you may have read in certain trade publications this week that plans are underfoot for a new hour-long sort of podcast stroke album thing.

We haven't quite decided on it.

We're still feeling a little anxious about the idea of charging for it.

We don't want to think the problem is that, you know, you put all the work into it.

You need to get paid for the time and everything, but then you don't want to rip off the public.

It's just I'm voicing concerns in my brain.

Anyway, we'll let you know when that all finally

materializes.

That's the end of the show, though.

Thank you very much for listening.

Thank you to everybody who's texted and emailed.

I'll be back with you the week after next.

Next week, a very special guest DJ.

Yeah, Goth Jennings is going to be with me next week.

Liz Kershaw is coming up, but right now, here's Ting Tings.

Take care.

Have a good week.

Bye.

Love you.

Bye.