The Adam and Joe Archive - adam_and_joe_20080301_bad

Yeah, that's the presidents of the United States of America.

All of them.

Really?

Yeah.

And they got together and they did a kind of indie band for a while back in the 90s.

And that was one of their first big hits.

Really?

Wow.

I know the names of all the presidents of the United States of America in order.

What are they?

President Reagan, George Bush,

Bill Clinton.

Tony Blair.

Yeah.

That's good, man.

That's impressive knowledge.

That's right back to the beginning of history as well.

The dawn of time.

Er, ergonomics.

Hello, this is Adam Buxton.

Hello, this is Joe Cornish.

Very nice morning here in London if you're listening live.

Hope it's nice where you are very windy the last night.

I think it's windy across the country.

Windy.

And I should warn you, last night I was sitting in the street in my car like I do.

Every now and then.

And I looked out the window and a man opened the door of his van.

He opened it against, no, into the wind, so to speak.

A very strong gust of wind caught the door.

And blew it right off.

Immediately pushed it back and buckled it.

And then he couldn't close it again because it wouldn't fit back in the frame.

Everyone lives in fear of that moment.

It was like his life had been suddenly ruined by a completely unpredictable sudden force of nature.

There you go.

And about a minute later all his friends were gathered round and they were trying to ram the door shut.

Yeah.

They were trying to sort of batter the metal back into shape.

Wow.

It wouldn't happen.

It was like seeing an animal's arm wrenched off.

Oh.

It were the car, an animal.

Yeah.

And wear the door and arm.

That sounds amazing.

So be careful out there.

It was a hurricane.

Would you say it was a hurricane?

My neighbour's motorbike fell over.

It's a hurricane.

He hasn't woken up yet.

He's going to be angry.

It's a tornado, in fact, I would call it.

It's the wind of death.

The wind of death.

They're calling it the wind of death.

That's what they should call it in the papers.

Because, you know, after the earthquake... The gusts of gloom.

The gusts of gloom.

There's catkins and twigs all over the road this morning.

The draft of Satan.

Uh, it was windy.

It was quite scary though.

Did you get scared last night?

Windows rattling?

No.

No, I got a little bit scared.

I woke up, I was having rattly dreams.

And I woke up and all the dreams were going rattly and I realized it was just the wind.

Um, so we have some music.

What a show.

We can tell them about the show in a second after.

What a show.

After the kills with, uh, or just kills, dunno, with cheap and cheerful.

It's kind of like a very excited marching band there who've been sniffing some Ajax or something.

She works on a production line making cars and she got very angry one afternoon and started hitting things.

They recorded the sound.

That's it.

And that was the kills, of course, with Cheep and Cheerful.

And she's very attractive, isn't she?

Really?

Yeah, lead singer of that band.

And she used to go out with the guy in the band, right?

They used to be married even, I think.

No.

No, I'm just making that bit up.

But they're not together anymore.

It always amazes me when people are married like supposedly Jack and Meg White were, and then they got divorced pretty much as soon as they started getting well known.

And then they forge on, you know?

It's gotta be strange, don't you think?

Like if you don't like each other enough to be married, how would you be able to withstand the pressures of being in a successful band?

It's just business, isn't it?

Just business.

Keep bread on the table.

Exactly.

It's a professional working relationship.

Like you and me, isn't it?

Exactly.

Yeah.

It's like a couple of robots, you know?

Couple of students.

stupid robots.

So folks, what a show we've got for you this week.

Great music as usual and wonderful chattel and chittle, but also the return of Song Wars.

And let me remind you that the theme for our return to Song Wars this week was we had to do

Joe had to do a French song about... Hang on, but before we get into that, can I ask you, are you angry with me for, uh, sort of, foisting?

Because I did a bad thing, I sort of forced you live on air to bring song wars back, and that's a bit, you know, if I was responsible, I would have asked you off air politely, so you could have said no without seeming like a sourpuss.

But I sort of blackmailed you into it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I must say I've slightly resented it this week when there was, you know, it was like the third day that I'd been working on the song and I'd gotten nothing else.

It's not that it's insane again.

It's demented.

A few listeners heard my last effort, which was the anti-piracy song.

was good which was okay I had his most but it was quite odd to take a little bit of false modesty modesty here now I'm genuinely you know the thing is that I saw you earlier in the week Joe and you said that you you'd got yours done quite easily again and I bet it'll be very good I didn't say it was easy did you know I just said it was sir it was sir yeah anyway no I'm glad I'm glad that song was his back I think is it's good is it is fun

And the theme this week is foreign songs about actresses, is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

Did you drop the actress components?

Absolutely not, I stuck the rules.

No, I didn't, I stuck the rules as well.

So, and it's a weird thing, it's quite difficult, quite difficult to be interesting in a foreign language.

It's the most difficult song was I've ever done.

Difficult rhyme in a foreign language.

Impossible, did you use Babel, the...

yes i did you did that's a little preview the problem is that when you use these kind of online translation sites like babel if you type in the english phrase it does a kind of manglerized translation so if you say a word like uh she looks nice then it'll kind of do a literal translation each word of each word okay

That's how my lyrics have been written.

Right.

We're also looking for a Spanish person and a French person who might be able to help judge our songs.

If you speak fluent French or Spanish, give us an email at Adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk or text us 64046 with your phone number.

We will call you back, get you on air, and get you to judge the quality of our songs.

Adam's is in Spanish, mine's in French.

And yours is about which actress?

All of them.

All of the French actresses?

I thought it was gonna be Isabelle Adjani.

No.

all of them.

Well, mine is about Penelope Cruz.

Oh, that's sexy.

She's so boring.

She's sexy.

Boring is sexy.

Anyway, well, you'll find out, when are we going to play these songs?

Probably we should play them within the next half hour.

Fifteen minutes.

Okay, maybe around about a quarter to ten or something.

Now, here's a track that I've chosen for you listeners.

This is DJ Magic Mike.

Ever heard of DJ Magic Mike?

Nope, he loves to scratch, and he's on XL Records, and I got this CD sent to me ages ago by XL Records.

I think it came out about four or five years ago, maybe.

And it's good, and it's just pretty hardcore scratching right the way through.

But given that, it's quite wicked, and I hope you agree, listeners.

This is called The Master Gets Busy by DJ Magic Mike.

That's DJ Magic Mike with the Master Gets Busy.

And you heard what samples in there were you hearing, Joe?

I think there's a bit of, uh, it's either Main Source or Tribe Called Quest at the beginning there.

And that drum beat he's plundering there I'm pretty sure is from Sweet Pea by Tommy Rowe.

We've broken it down into convolvement.

Broken it all down for you.

Into ingredient month.

Totally wrong about it being on XL.

I think, uh, maybe XL had something to do with it, but it's on Mo Wax.

Wrong.

If you want to check it out, the album's called The Journey.

Wrong.

Journey era of bass.

Wrong.

It's impossible.

It's an impossible job doing this show.

Wrong.

So here's a trail for you now, folks.

That's the tiny Minneapolis midget prince.

He's entirely purple.

That's racist, man.

Is it?

Yes, racist.

You're out.

Against what?

Against the purple.

The purple people.

The tiny purple people.

Oompa Loompas are purple.

That's very racist.

Is anyone else purple?

To use the word Oompa Loompas.

Which Mr. Man was purple?

They're not called Oompa Loompas anymore.

Mr. Nosy?

Mr. Worry.

Humpty, Jude is saying.

Humpty is not a Mr. Man.

All the Mr. Men books have been banned.

Mr. Uppity.

For being racist.

Really?

They're very racist.

They're so racist.

Everyone's racist.

So racist.

Um, good old Prince, eh?

Well done, Prince.

Good old Prince.

Good old Prince Harry, I'm talking about.

Good old Prince Harry, yes.

He's coming home.

He's coming.

Harry's coming home.

That's the cover of one of the newspapers this morning.

That's what it says.

How does a man's nose get that bread?

Harry.

I suppose he's been in the sun.

From drinking port in the sun.

That's true.

That's what he does out there.

They got him out there.

They got him a deck chair.

He sits there in the sun.

He drinks log port.

That's not true at all.

He was right in the thick of it.

He was doing amazing work and he only just escaped.

Being blown to bits and he's back in one piece.

Thank goodness.

Good.

Nice to have you back Prince You're a genius Harry from Minneapolis.

No, I'm talking about Prince Prince.

Yeah Prince has been what he's been stationed in Afghanistan Prince is in Afghanistan.

Really?

He's singing.

There's a media blackout and we're breaking the story.

Yeah, exactly Wow, he's never coming home though

Not until he records a decent album.

They're not letting him back.

He dodges bullets by doing the splits.

That's right.

He's a genius.

And then he does a twirl and repels them back.

He's got the skills.

So you play some more music.

Now, this is a band.

Brilliant.

Here it is.

They're called Gilamots and this is Get Over It.

What a frightful racket.

They need to go to bed early tonight.

Get some sleep and do some reading.

That's the Guillemots with Get Over It.

That'll be released as a single on March 17th, and that's available on their new album, Red, the second album, which will be out on the 24th of March.

Thanks, man.

Guillemots News there.

Get over it.

That's not a phrase you hear that much anymore.

It was very in vogue a few years ago.

It was a sort of Queenie phrase, wasn't it?

Get over it.

A bit like, talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening.

Girl!

It's very aggressive voices.

Denial, ain't it?

That's what it's like sometimes.

You're like an angry transvestite.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

At 3 in the morning on the New York subway.

Yeah, that's what they do.

That's what they used to do.

I'm not sure.

The angry transvestites probably have... So you do.

New lingo.

Maybe it is one.

At 3 in the morning?

Yeah.

On the underground.

I get my dress on, I go out on the underground, and I say, talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening.

It's nearly time for the news, but remember Song Wars is coming up.

The relaunch of Song Wars.

We've already had a couple of emails.

Brian in Norfolk says, okay, steal yourself, Adam.

Adam's song is rubbish, and Joe's is much better.

Dot, dot, dot.

Not really.

You haven't even played them yet.

I just want to hear Adam have another on-air breakdown.

Come on.

But I do love him.

Yeah, yeah, listen, I'm Brian.

I'm not gonna rise to any of that I'm gonna take my defeat with good grace if it comes we won't know of course until next week Ted in laundry Says can I preemptively vote for Adam's song?

I don't want another Buxton paddy to end the song wars fun.

What does that mean?

Paddy it's like a little pathetic.

No, really.

Yeah, you're both going to struggle to match the concord French song though the flight of the concors Did they do a French song?

Yeah, they did it was very good

Yeah, but ours were about actresses.

Now, you know, come on, the concord says geniuses, we're not in their league, but we do our best and you'll hear what we've come up with within the next half an hour.

But now it's time for the news.

That's the rapture with the House of Jealous Lovers.

That's one of those songs when it comes on, sometimes it comes on my iPod, and the beginning makes me want to switch it off.

It doesn't come on my iPod.

You have to weather the first few seconds.

And then it becomes enjoyable.

That's what I meant, sorry mate.

It's going to be information.

I know.

Information clash.

Right.

You go with one bit of information at a time.

I was going to say this is Adam and Joe.

It's like Thompson and Thompson hosting a radio show.

Have you seen the cartoon version of Tintin?

Yeah.

And you know it's all mainly Canadians doing the voices.

Is it?

And I think it's... Well, it's a Belgian creation, of course.

Roger was Belgian.

Right.

Well, it's a terrible stew of accents and influences on the cartoon version.

And, uh, Thompson and Thompson, they've got the worst British accents I've ever heard.

They're totally manglerised British accents.

I might try and record them and bring them in.

My son really likes them.

Sounds quite good.

Quite good, yeah.

And Tintin's voice is very odd as well.

I can't really do a good impression number.

Canadian voices are odd.

It's a very odd action.

Yeah.

Very difficult to do an impression of a Canadian.

That's right.

I find.

Yeah.

I don't really know anyone who does one.

Maybe we can get a sort of pathetic sounding Canadian to phone in and we can laugh at them.

That's a really good idea.

That's a good idea, isn't it?

It could be a regular feature.

Yeah.

We just, you know, as a type of person, they voluntarily call in.

And we can laugh.

We just mock them.

That's a good idea.

We could do it on TV too.

Just noises.

Like that.

Yeah.

Whatever they say.

What is it about those two notes that are so visible?

That wouldn't have made Close Encounters quite so good, would it?

If that's how they'd communicated with aliens.

Yeah.

Is good, but have you tried?

I think you'll get a more immediate response from the aliens.

They get a different finger reply from aliens.

You know, my children are obsessed with the Simpsons movie.

They rate it highly, and my youngest son, Natty, who's coming up to his fourth birthday, has latched on as a role model to Nelson, the bully, who goes, ha-ha!

And that's all Nat does now, is go around, just sit again, ha-ha!

in a really unpleasant way.

It's a useful tool in a child's arsenal.

Yeah, but he's not got to, you know, he's got to disavow himself of that particular tool, because otherwise he's going to get in trouble.

Already we're getting notes from the teachers.

Really?

Yeah, saying he's being a little uncommunicative.

He's a bad breed.

He's like Nelson.

He's latched on.

He's watched the whole of the Simpsons movie and thought, there you go.

Nelson, he's the guy I'm going to be.

He's the king.

I think he's cool.

He's quite cool.

So listen folks, after this next track, it's Song Wars time.

We're going to be playing you our new Song Wars tracks.

My Spanish track about Penelope Cruz and Joe's French track just about all French actresses coming up after Susie Sue.

Mmm, haute!

That's Susie Sue with About to Happen.

Now it's time for...

It's time for songs, wars, the war of the songs, apocalypse.

It's the return of song wars after an absence of what?

Three weeks or something?

Three weeks, what a terrible parched arid desert-like stretch of time it's been.

The listeners have been clawing through the crushed mud searching for morsels of musical sustenance.

They've found nothing!

Now these lovely moist sandwiches of phonics will be presented to their gobs.

Yeah Yeah, the theme this week ladies and gentlemen is songs in a foreign language I chose French musical and I chose Spanish just not because their languages were fluent in but they're the foreign languages that we've got the greatest grasp of right meaning

very, very limited grasp of.

I studied French to what's called O-Levels.

Does it exist anymore?

No.

Don't think so.

Beyond that, Rie.

Rie.

Par de tu.

Your mummy is Spanish, isn't she?

She's from Chile.

That's Spanish, isn't it?

They speak Spanish.

They speak a form of Spanish.

Yeah, so it should be a shoe-in for you.

Well, you'd think, wouldn't it?

But we expect nothing but the best.

When she moved to the UK to marry my dad, she stopped talking Spanish altogether to us, and we never grew up with it as a second language.

She's a horrible person for depriving us.

She dreams in Spanish.

Yeah, she does exactly.

But anyway, you know, the hangover of the language is still there, I hope, a little bit, but I still found it very hard to write a whole song in Spanish.

So who's gonna go first?

We're gonna toss a coin.

Yeah, if the foreign language thing wasn't difficult enough, we've also chosen as our theme foreign actresses.

Now listen, man, can I ask you first before we hear that, man, the song is...

Did you just do silly French phrases and not even bother to make them make sense?

No, no, I know what my song is supposed to mean.

Okay, right, good.

Just checking, because I would have got a little bit haughty about it if you had.

However, we do have some bilingual listeners or a bilingual listener standing by.

We're not, we've got two of them.

We're not sure of their identities.

We're going to come to them later in the show.

So we're just going to pay the songs unfettered by any comment.

Yeah.

And we'll do that business later in the show.

We're going to toss a coin.

I call heads.

I call tails.

To go first or second?

To go first.

OK.

Heads to go first.

It is?

Tails.

It's tails.

Cornish goes first.

The corn plaster.

Thanks.

Corn dog.

Um, so here we go, my song, as usual it doesn't have a name, but you've got to imagine yourself in, in Paris or in France, on a beautiful, sunny morning.

Do you see Le Champs-Élysées?

Uh, yeah, those are some of my lyrics.

Uh, you just preempted that?

That's a clue to how sophisticated it is.

Uh, you're in France, and you're obsessed with French cinema, and you're looking around you, and everywhere you look, is a beautiful French actress.

And you decide to sing a little song about it.

And this is what you hear.

Ah!

Le baguette!

No?

Okay.

I'm

That's the end I saw you making little notes in a book and suddenly I felt like I was 12 and in French class again Yeah, and you were making well I was just writing down the phrases that I thought you would have had to actually Go to an online translation site right because most of them ash day and baguette That means

It's important though.

And what were the other phrases in there?

I had a new word.

I had Flannery.

Right.

Yeah, that was some sophisticated.

It was sophisticated.

You must have jumped for joy and danced a little jig when you found that sample on a garage band for guitars.

a cheesy loop, but it's the only one that sounds anything like a French.

You've done it all over the floor.

Pointyism.

Was that... Pointy-lism.

Pointy-lism.

I liked it.

Okay, so here's my song.

This is about Penelope Cruz, and it was tough on both counts, because I've got no strong feelings about Penelope Cruz.

And also, I found it very, you know, I got obsessed with the idea of making the Spanish words rhyme and stuff, and in the end it all just went weird, as tends to happen with me.

So this is my song about Penelope Cruz.

I can smell this person's soul and I wanna get to know him, you know.

I am the king of the world.

Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, it's so fabulous.

So it's proper Spanish song, you see.

Your accent's very good.

I mean, I wouldn't know what a good accent is, but it sounds very good.

And that's the main thing.

I picked up some stuff in there.

Yeah.

Captain Corelli, Sahara, and Vanilla Sky.

Bad stomach acid.

Yeah.

And a burp.

That's pretty much it.

Yeah, because other than that, it's impenetrable unless you're a fluent Spanish speaker.

Unless you speak Spanish.

Well, handily, we are going to be playing those songs to people who speak fluent Spanish and fluent French in the third hour of the show, after 11 o'clock at some point.

Don't forget the voting, though.

That's the key thing.

During the show, as it goes out live, you can vote via text, 64046.

If you're listening via listen again, then vote via email, adamandjo.sixmusicatbbc.co.uk.

The winner will be announced at the beginning.

of next week's show.

Now here's a track that you've chosen, Joe.

Yeah, what is it?

A bit of Fiasco?

Yeah, it's a bit more Lupe Fiasco.

I bought this album when I was on holiday and it's got about four good tracks on it.

That's all you need, man.

Is that all you need?

Is that the usual standard these days?

If an album's got four good tracks on it, I'm happy.

some albums in the old days they used to have all good tracks 12 good tracks on them not anymore not anymore sometimes uh it's like making friends isn't it the people you make friends with at a new school on your first day are not the same people that you're friends with at the end of your time there do you know what i mean of course yeah fast friends yeah are often you know not the best friends no the ones you

You're not sure about it first, but then the quiet ones, the weird ones.

I'm drawing a comparison there between tracks, so who knows.

But this is a good one.

It's called Paris Tokyo and it's from the cool Lupe Fiasco's new album.

What a terribly confusing series of sounds.

Welcome to Art Zone.

Where today we present you with a confusing series of noises in order to challenge your preconceptions of the nature of music and sound here on the BBC.

We're trying to get a job on resonance.

We think it's a pedestation here and we want to go over to resonance.

So we deliberately picked that Gideon Co session track there of Hot Chip playing over and over, a very weird version of over and over.

I started punching Adam with Haddock, and he fell on the mixing desk.

He was dressed as Napoleon, of course, and then all kinds of strange sounds started coming out of the desk.

It's the kind of stuff

that's going to be going down on this show in the future.

I think what we get up to, because we don't like rules.

We're situationalists.

We hate the rules, you know.

If we find some kind of rule book, then if we can, we'll tear it up.

Generally, we rip it up.

The problem with the rule books and the BBC is they're very thick, so it takes a while.

You have to slightly soar them, soar into them.

When I see an envelope, I love to push it.

Just push it.

I've pushed envelopes to the edge, right to the edge of the table.

All the way.

If, if I, um, yeah, envelopes.

Yeah, exactly.

You love pushing them.

No, edges.

I, I cut them.

Yeah.

Are you finished?

Hey, so this is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music, incidentally, not Resonance.

And that was Hot Chip, as we said.

And the voting lines are open now for Song Wars.

Now, there's a sort of a trend showing in the text votes here.

People seem to think that my French song is very like the Concord's French song.

I wouldn't say it was that... I haven't heard the Concord's French song.

What are you doing?

I swear it, man.

I don't know.

I've seen a lot of concourse, but I've just missed that particular episode.

And I'm sorry.

I mean, people seem to think my French song is a bit page one, you know, and some people like it very much.

Other people like your song.

uh they think it's more imaginative but they find it slightly scary well it is slightly scary and it's very odd it's like somebody's described it as yeah like a sort of serial killer in a basement who's who's about to stalk and maybe hurt Penelope Cruz in some way it starts off very creepy with a low voice yeah and it's all minor chords and it's creepy sounding

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

No, you're not attempting to build an argument against that.

You just... No, yeah.

I'll put my hands up to that.

Fair enough.

Yeah.

I hold my hands up.

Hold my hands up, bruv.

Yeah.

That's totally fair enough.

Yeah.

Now, the gossip.

What do you know about gossip?

Well, it's very destructive.

It's petty.

But at the same time, everyone has to do it because it's a way of, you know, making decisions and analyzing your relationships with people in your immediate circle without hurting them.

People who gossip

are scientifically proven to be more popular than people who do not gossip.

Well, it is, it is an important function of, of, you know, socialness, uh, socialosity.

That's it.

You know, if a person doesn't gossip, then they are seen by their peer group as being rather boring.

Boring.

It's like boring.

And that's why Heat Magazine is so successful.

Exactly.

And so very good.

So wicked.

And anyway, being boring is not something you could accuse Beth Ditto of.

No, she is wild.

She's too interesting.

I get bored with that because she's so interesting.

Is that possible?

It is possible, yes.

Absolutely possible.

Anyway, see what happens when you listen to this.

This is standing in the way of control.

Textimation!

Text!

Textimation!

What if I don't want to?

Textimation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

At some point, it'll be time for a rebranding of the show, won't it?

Like new jingles.

Not for a while.

But we'll hire a consultancy firm, have various surveys done.

We'll pay a lot of money.

I mean, several thousand pounds, and then the company will come back with some jingles that are slightly worse than the ones that we used to have.

and we'll be very happy but then after another six months we'll bring back the original jingles and call them classic jingles and also pay a little bit more money to the company that suggested we do that but for now the classic jingle will have to suffice and it's time for text the nation here with Adam and Jo on BBC six music on this glorious saturday morning or if you're listening again this depressing wednesday afternoon

So the theme this week is car advert.

Yeah, what's your favorite car advert at the moment, Joe Cornish?

My favorite car advert is a new one I saw this week, and it starts with just bits of cars, like a door, a bumper, an engine, and it kind of pulls out wider, and you realize that they're being played like instruments.

Oh, how imaginative.

It's brilliant, and then it pulls out even wider, and it's a whole orchestra of car parts.

That's the exhaust pipe.

It's not the tune they play, but it's something similar.

And then we were watching this, and me and my friend, stroke friends, were trying to guess what the tagline was going to be.

I thought it would have something to do with perfectly tuned, very good.

Yeah, uh, but it ended up being something else I can't remember harm- something about harmony maybe.

Right.

Like the road and your wheels in perfect harmony, it wasn't that, it was something like that.

But you know, I'm a bit obsessed with car adverts because basically all cars are the same, right?

More or less.

I mean, they vary in quite, you know, small ways.

And so it's difficult as an advertiser to figure out a new way to present something that's basically just a tin box on wheels.

Yeah, exactly.

So they have to think of all kinds of elaborate things like a car as a cake.

What are the other very famous ones?

Kind of innovative car adverts.

Well in the olden days they used to be much more based on personalities and stuff.

Like what was the French girl called?

Oh, yes.

Papa.

What was she called?

Mimi.

Nicole.

Nicole, of course.

I think she was called Mimi.

Mimi.

Yes.

Papa.

Mimi.

That's true.

Nicole.

And there was, not so long ago, there was the chap from Holby City, Jeremy Sheffield, who I have had various encounters with.

Yes.

Who are regularly listening to the programme.

And he did an advert where he was going off and romancing a French lady, wasn't he?

And that was all about cars.

Yeah, there's also the cake one that divides people.

I forget which car it's from.

Well, that's the thing, you can never remember what the car is.

We're not in the business of advertising the car companies.

Cars are evil.

They are evil.

And also anyone who likes Cars is evil.

That's very true.

Like Jeremy Clarkson.

And slightly dull.

Exactly.

That's not true.

We'll just alienate all the car-loving filaments.

It's a humorous generalization there.

Calm down.

Why did you say that?

Adam.

I was just taking your lead.

You started me on it.

I said not really.

I only say stuff if you think it's cool.

Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam.

Anyway, so yeah, what do you feel about the cake one?

Do you like that one?

Well, there's a website called Pimp That Snack, isn't there?

And I'm convinced that just some young advertising honcho went on Pimp My Snack, and all those people do is they just apply Car advert, Car advert, all day, Car advert, Car advert, everything they look at, Car advert, Car advert, to try and work, you know, work a new idea into a Car advert.

Oh, well, there was the great, was it for Volvo?

The one that nicked the idea of that

a film called The Way Things Go, a German film, where it's basically a sort of art film and it's got like big bits of wood kind of knocking each other over and then chemicals spilling onto each other and they did it with all like parts of a car, you know?

Oh yeah.

Um, and it was, they did a good job.

Really?

That won loads of awards.

That was nicked, was it?

That was nicked, yeah, off the way things go.

Oh, no.

Great German art, Phil.

Well, we want you to try and come up with a new idea that's never been done before for a car advert.

That's the subject of Text the Nation.

The text is 64046.

Uh, I think it's gold dust.

If you can come up with, like, a genuinely new way to present a car advert.

then you could become like a millionaire in the advertising industry.

Almost certainly people from the advertising world listen to this program because we regularly have these kinds of phone-ins, and I would imagine that they've nicked quite a few big money ideas off us.

This is more of a job opportunity than a text.

It's certainly not a competition than a text event.

Yeah.

I thought of one, right?

Yeah, what was yours?

Uh, hamsters on a wheel in a cage.

Uh-huh.

It's a kid, and instead of little hamsters, he's got one of those, uh, you know, elaborate hamster runs.

Right.

With all sorts of tubes and wheels and things.

But there's little cars, isn't there?

Little cars.

That's all I thought.

They're going round and round.

Yes.

How is that good?

How does that project a good image of the car?

It's just new, because the kid loves them.

And the- The cars- No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

They do tiny plops.

The car's out of the exhaust pipes.

Right.

And the kid cleans them up.

And it's about being good for the environment.

Okay, you come up with better ones than this.

64046, if you can.

Is this idea a goer, do you think?

Yeah, definitely.

I've got some ideas I want to tell you about.

Alright.

But let's hear the sound of Elbow first.

Well, why not?

This is grounds for divorce.

That's Garvey and the Boys elbow with grounds for divorce.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music and we are in the midst of Text the Nation.

Subject this week for Text the Nation we're asking you to text or email us about car adverts.

Where next for the car advert?

How, you know, what kind of revolutions can you inject into the crazy world of car advertising?

And it's a hard thing to do because you would think pretty much everything's been done.

There's the guy that uses a car as a skateboard.

Just remember that one, do you remember?

He's like a giant man and he's sort of ollying the car around and stuff.

Are there any car adverts that you're genuinely fond of, unironically?

No, I hate, I detest them all.

Yeah, they're all awful, aren't they?

The one, one of the ones that, uh, I really, actually I can, this is one of the few ones that I can actually remember the brand for, although I won't say it, but it's the one where they're in the factory and the cars are being sprayed by the robot arms.

Oh yeah.

And then suddenly one of the robot arms kind of starts getting creative and painting the car in a wacky way, uh, which links into the name of the, uh, car.

There's cars playing hide and seek?

There's that weird gang of stuffed toys that- I hate them.

Live with that sexy lady.

I sincerely hate the stuffed toys and I want to kill all of the stuffed toys.

Really?

Yeah.

And I would do it.

I'd go to prison as well.

For a long- Really?

For as long as- I think you're alright with stuffed toys.

Really?

I don't think that's illegal.

If one of them turned out to be sentient though- Property damage.

Property damage possibly, yeah.

But even if I was gonna get long time for hurting all the toys- Really?

I'd go away for it.

There's the Transformers one, where they turn into robot men and start skating on the ice or dancing around.

Which stole some of the thunder from the Transformers movie a little bit, didn't it?

I think it helped.

It was piggybacking synergy.

Yeah, it helped.

It was all a conspiracy.

Chiba LaBeouf.

Yeah, the Beef Man.

Chiba Beouf, Shia Lizith, Dog Food, and a different film.

So here's my idea for a car advert.

This would be shocking, because there was a time when... Oh, and here's another... This is one ad that I slightly enjoyed a little bit, also because it was very short.

The thing about a lot of car ads is they go on forever.

But a really nice short one was what looked like a giant, frightening spider emerging from a web and then emerging from the shadows, scuttling out from the shadows.

And as it scuttled out, it transformed brilliantly, by means of just a cut, I think, into the car.

But it was beautifully executed.

What was it saying?

It was saying that the car was like a spider, actually, which reminds me of that thing.

uh... which reminds me of those ludicrous ads where the cards will turn into uh... you know like a snake and one of them turns into a spider and it goes around and yeah yeah yeah they're all sort of four by fours and stuff I've done a hilarious I've seen it over one of them on my website on my youtube channel you can see it I've re-voiced it brilliantly but uh... those kind of ads drive you nuts but I liked the spider one that was a good one but here's my idea for what you can have this was shocking

Are you prepared?

I'm ready, man.

This is gonna be very shocking.

Pitch me.

Okay.

Hospital, room, right.

Beep, beep, beep.

Surgeons all gathered round.

A woman screaming with pain and agonizing pain in the throes of giving birth.

Right?

pan down pan down close-up shot of of a crucial lady zone no this would be banned and it would be banned but it would it would have a lot of cache around it would be big on the next you're talking about the Bermuda Triangle I'm talking about yes exactly the happy the happy zone and close up of the Bermuda Triangle and see

Guess what comes out?

The woman gives birth to the new, the triangle.

Look at it from my angle.

The new, the triangle.

Very good.

And so that's how it went.

And the car would pop out and they would slap the car's exhaust and the wipe all the gore off it and then the car would be presented to the mother and she'd drive home in it.

How big is it?

It actually wouldn't even need a baby seat.

So that would be good, wouldn't it?

It's like a David Cronenberg director.

Cronenberg could direct it.

Yeah, it wouldn't be a flesh car though, would it?

Maybe.

Maybe that's the new environmental direction.

It's a flesh car.

It's a fleshy and then it would harden up.

What a frightening idea.

That's a brilliant idea that they make flesh cars.

They kind of breed them in a way.

Oh, this is all getting a bit dark for a Saturday morning.

Anyway, get your ideas in, listeners.

Text 64046, email adamandjo.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk.

There is no prize, because this isn't a competition.

They're banned in the big British castle.

It's just kind of like a group of friends just chatting to each other, stroking each other's hearts.

Exactly.

Here's a track I've chosen for you, friends, while we stroke each other's parts.

This is a band called the Feelies.

They're kind of seminal.

arty pop band from new jersey from the early eighties i believe their first album crazy rhythms came out in nineteen eighty and i came across them because we did vinyl justice on our show ages ago when we used to me and joe used to go around and raid people's record collections for our tv show and we did it with nick

Heywood from haircut 100 and this was one of the albums that he had and I thought it was Really interesting.

He was playing us a couple of tracks and sure enough It's a smash and other fun fact about the feely's they turn up in the film something wild Jonathan Demi I always liked that film and they play a band who are at a high school reunion there while Ray Lee Otters pouncing around With all the other monsters in the film, but they're good and I hope you enjoy this track It's called far say la by the feely's

Good stuff, man.

That's the Feelies with Farsi La from their album Crazy Rhythms.

Yes, it is.

That's true.

What you said just then is right.

And very shortly after this next track and the news and some more music, we'll be coming back with your texts for Text the Nation.

Harvey Cook, the newsreader, sounds very laid back today.

The cooker.

The cook, the cookster.

He's on low simmer.

He certainly is.

He's making the news very sexy.

Even if it's troubling the news.

Oh, he doesn't let the news get to him.

That's the thing.

Well, he's read so much.

Exactly.

Horror.

He's seen it all.

That he's inured.

Inured.

He is, yeah, he's developed across the outer shell.

That's right.

Makes him as tough.

A Krusty News Carapace.

We'll be hearing Harvey's Krusty Carapace after this track by The Future Heads.

This is the beginning of the twist.

You know, I prefer the version of that song that they re-released for the film, uh, Pretty and Pink.

They remixed it, and I bought it on 12-inch with Andrew McCarthy and all the guys from the Breakfast Club on the front.

I thought you were gonna say you went to the record shop with Andrew McCarthy and all the guys from the Breakfast Club.

I wish, I wish.

uh because a lot of uh boys at school that bullied me in their winkle pickers with their Jesus and Mary chain passion uh they liked the psychedelic furs and i didn't uh because i was a bit of a ponce and then when i saw pretty and pink uh i thought yes i can buy a psychedelic furs record and and honestly genuinely like it you even though it's the ponce remix i walked into school with the 12 inch under my arm

Of course, by that time, the hard lads had gone off the psychedelic first.

Yeah.

And it was used to torture me.

And they beat you with your copy of Mirror Blues.

They beat me into a genius.

Yeah?

There you go.

Now, it's time for... Text-a-nation!

Text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

there are some extremely good ideas coming in for car ads i think we should maybe a former company with the listeners a collective yeah it could be sort of profit a profit sharing collective uh we could be like a think tank and because we already do this obviously with text the nation the results the government

But we should start making money from it.

We really should, because you and I aren't averse to the odd bit of dabbling in the dirty world of advertising.

Yeah, anything.

And we could really clean up if we did some directing, maybe.

We need some sort of a registration process for the listeners.

You know, so their names and addresses are registered, their bank details.

We'd send them an online security email.

They click the link and fill in their details.

As soon as you do.

And if we do the ad, we can pay them, what, five pounds?

No, we'd, you know, divide the profit between the number of listeners.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Yeah.

Anyway, there are some very good ideas.

Are you ready for some?

Yeah, go on then.

Okay, here we go, here we go.

This is a slightly filthy one.

From Kings and Russ, our car advert would involve long lingering shots of two older cars at it, petrol dripping from the exhaust of a post-coital Ford Fiesta, as it dismounts from a golf cart.

before cutting to the birth of our new vehicle, a Toyota Prius.

There you go.

That's quite good, isn't it?

It's a late night one.

Is that the hybrid one?

Yes, exactly.

Anton Corbin drives one.

Does he?

And what is that?

What are we supposed to think about that?

Why did you say that?

Well, because there's a big article about it.

Who cares about him?

People care.

Who cares?

All people who like control and film.

Oh, right.

He did control, didn't he?

Yeah, he's a genius.

Yeah.

Uh, he drives one.

Sandra Howard, 64, drives one.

Who's she?

She's a columnist and author.

Oh, she's warwig.

She lives in London.

And William Kendall, the organic farm advisor.

Kendall.

Bill Kendall.

Yeah.

Bill Kendall.

That's a very good idea.

Very good idea.

You know, Lily Allen would like that.

She'd probably play that as a clip on her show because it features two things rutting.

Yes, and she'd giggle.

She would.

Nat in Camden.

Yeah.

Ah, this could be your son, Nat.

He's left home, he's gone to live with Pete Dougherty and a couple of lads wearing winkle pickers and top hats in Camden.

Buying Ganesh.

Yeah, product.

He started texting him dead.

Roadkill type animals, for example, a huge, for example, a hedgehog gleefully driving and splatting people on their windscreens.

Okay, that's a very good reversal.

I feel like maybe that's even been done.

That's so... Woodland creatures driving cars.

Humans like insects.

I mean, splashing on the wind.

I don't know that's been done, but if it hasn't, that's just a great idea.

Tagline, it turns your world upside down, says Nat.

I'm not sure about that tagline.

It's good enough, man.

Do you think?

Yeah, you shouldn't overestimate the public.

You're right.

You should never do that.

Here's another one.

This is from Liz.

This is really good.

As our lovely car goes by, little squeals of delight and awe.

Sententious opinions about they have seen mix with wild admiration.

Don't know what that sentence means.

They're animal versions of bird-spossers.

Yeah, that's quite good.

That's quite good about what they've seen, right?

So they're all being, yeah, they're nerds.

They're nerdy.

But that's pretty good, isn't it?

Like little ice-by-books full of cars.

Yeah.

And the woodland animals.

I mean, that's very cheeky because the cars kill the animals.

Exactly, that's deep to see.

Yeah, deeply cynical, but therefore a bullseye.

That's right.

For the car industry.

Absolutely.

The devil's industry.

These are really good.

Let's have some more after this Supergrass track.

Why not?

This is bad blood.

Supergrass with Bad Blood.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

Now we were talking about the cynical world of car advertising before, but it competes pretty well with the cynical world of television in general, and particularly MTV.

I never thought of MTV as being a particularly cynical channel, did you?

No, but MTV reached a kind of nadir at their last awards, where Kanye West, I think, walked out, right, because he complained about how he was being treated, and Timberlake, Timbercake, and various other people took the opportunity to protest about MTV not playing any pop videos.

Right.

The fact that it's just turned into the most kind of...

You know it's exploited the right word, but very kind of shameless TV channel.

Well.

Yeah, I mean that that's Certainly the word for Carrie Katona's program, which is called crazy in love I've seen posters for this showing her in a in a straight jacket She's heavily pregnant, and she's in a straight jacket and always a good combination.

It's

great isn't it?

Great for the kids.

And she's sort of strapped, it's like one big straitjacket for her and her partner, I don't know the name of her partner who looks a little unsavory, he may be a very nice person, but he's behind her and she's sort of

Staring defiantly down her nose at people like you know sort of saying yes, so what I'm a I'm a complete lunatic And I'm in a straitjacket, and I'm heavily pregnant and may well be an unfit mother But who are you to judge me?

Why don't you watch my program and find out the truth kind of thing very provocative?

Well, that's putting a positive spin on it I mean it's one of the yuckiest posters I've ever seen one of the most unpleasant images that I can ever think of you know

The show itself, did you watch that?

The show itself certainly lives up to the yuckiness of the poster, I would say.

Because they make a big song and dance about the fact that she's been diagnosed as bipolar, right?

Which is what... It's all the rage right now.

In the olden days it was called manic depression, or you'd say that someone suffered from manic episodes or whatever.

Britney Spears has got it.

Well, some people are saying that Carrie Catona is like the British Britney, you know.

Oh, who's saying that?

Oh, people.

A vagrant.

I read it in Grazia.

Grazia?

Yes, there was a copy of Grazia and I read it.

Anyway, I'm not calling her the British Britney, but I think that it's a shame that no one's looking out for her because it's a really weird show.

Okay, so if she really is bipolar or manic depressive, whatever you want to call it, that's not a condition that should be taken lightly and she certainly shouldn't be making a

a grotesque, boring reality show on MTV if she's suffering from that.

Surely.

Yeah, and maybe pop culture is attempting to smash a taboo that shouldn't be smashed.

Right.

But then if she isn't, but then if she genuinely isn't suffering from it, that's even worse, that she would go around just pretending to be ill in that way, and it's just bizarre.

I was watching the show, and she seems to be permanently pregnant.

But not only pregnant, but it's all that Iceland food she's got right in there.

She's not actually pregnant.

Have you seen what she has at Christmas?

What is she?

Yeah, she has a lot.

She has, she gets nine of every product in Iceland.

That's right.

Spreads it, and then she invites all these people around in gaudy sweaters.

Yeah.

And they have, they just all eat and puke and eat and puke and eat and puke.

That's like Mr. Creosote.

And the ice cream, the ice cream she has, it's got cheese and fish fingers in it.

There's combinations of turkey and, I don't know, spaghetti.

And you don't even have to defrost it.

No, you don't have to defrost it.

You just shove it in the kids.

Not even in their mouths.

Just in their faces.

They love it.

And then they all smoke fags and go and swing on tiny little swings.

Then they get pregnant.

Then they get a reality show.

What a life.

Then they go mad, mentally ill, and it's all thumbs up.

They get a series from MTV.

Ka-ching.

Wow.

You've talked me round.

You know what?

What being so sensorial is when this is exactly what we should be doing.

Exactly.

To get ourselves back in the public eye.

I'm a crusty old fool.

You get mentally ill I'll get pregnant will buy a whole lot of food from Iceland with call MTV Bish bash Bosch It's a plan success sweet and we've got some music now.

This is Joe's choice, right?

Have we got the correct version?

This shows very particular about his versions

Well, we're big prefab sprout fans, and we were asking the other week what Paddy McAloon is doing, and one of the things he's done is get together with Thomas Dolby and remix Steve McQueen, one of their best albums, and it's out in the shops now under the second disc that's got Paddy doing acoustic versions of some of the tracks from there.

So here's one of those.

It's Appetite.

That was The Who with Pinball Wizard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a documentary, a new feature-length documentary.

It may not be new, but I saw it on a plane all about The Who.

I didn't know much about The Who, but it was well wicked.

And I think their first managers were a couple of guys who were actually looking for a band to make a documentary about.

So they started managing them, and from the very beginning, they started filming them.

So there's lots of really good footage of their very, very first gigs and stuff.

I learned all about them.

Wow.

I learned about what was innovative about their music.

I didn't really know that much about Keith Moon, but what an incredible figure he is.

Amazing.

Footage of him is amazing.

And it's a really good doc.

It makes you really feel for them.

And as it was getting towards the end, I was thinking, well, they're going to smooth over Pete Townsend's trouble that he had a few years ago.

But much to its credit, they don't.

Much to his credit, they don't.

They talk all about it.

It's really good.

I can't remember what it's called, we'll find out.

But if you're not, even if you're not a fan of The Who, it's a very satisfying rock doc on Joe Cornish.

Good night.

I wonder if it's out on DVD at the moment, or is it a theatrical thing?

I don't know.

It's on a plane.

They exist in another world, don't they?

You have to go on a plane to see it.

You can't go on a plane to see it.

It's part of the Who's New Green Drive.

There you go.

Well, we'll find out more and let you know, because I'd like to know about that.

Anyway, it's time for... Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

Have we got time to do this?

Is the news at noon?

Yeah, we got time.

Okay, text the nation is all about car adverts.

We're asking you whether you can think of a new idea for a car advert.

We're thinking that they've all been done.

Uh, you know, so much so that there are some of them are ridiculous.

Yeah.

Well, we're just curious about whether the world of car advertising might go nice.

If you're serious, if you can think of a genuinely new way to present a tin box on wheels, then you're in the money.

You're on the fast track to a high-powered job in the advertising industry.

Ooh, I love a high-powered job.

Yeah.

Give us some ideas, then.

Okay, here is one from Philip.

And, to a lesser extent, Lara is written in brackets.

I like the way that Philip is from the outset, making sure Lara doesn't get too much credit.

Sure she's there, but don't get too excited about her, because it's all about Philip.

She's just a runner.

He says, PS were copywriters in real life.

No!

Really?

Okay, get this.

My car ad would be like Fantastic Voyage.

Or whatever the B-movie was called.

It was called Fantastic Voyage.

Where they get injected into the body of a patient.

Yeah, they could also have inner space.

Yeah.

The 80s kind of reversioning.

Uh, yeah.

A bunch of trendy young people.

Brackets, but not too trendy, so you can tell that they don't do drugs very often.

Close brackets.

Get into the new Ford whatever, and then zoom into someone's mouth before having a Fantastic Voyage.

Quite literally, in said person's bloodstream.

Eventually, they come out of his or her rectum.

the caption is the new Ford whatever it's in your blood it's in your blood he's thought of the tagline first the person they drive around should be some cool celeb possibly Dermot from Big Brother

Yeah, he'd probably do it.

He probably would do it.

He'd let you film his rectum.

He certainly would.

Come on.

I love that word.

The rectum.

I don't, I hate it.

That is a good technique, though, if you're in advertising, of course, is just to think of... Just to nick a film.

No, but think of the aphorism or the phrase, you know, popular phrase, and then work backwards there.

Think of the literal translation of that phrase in visual terms.

Okay.

Do you know what I mean?

Okay, so what would the literal translation of this phrase be?

The new Ford car.

More comfortable than a bra.

What would be going on on screen for that?

A woman wearing cars on her boobs.

Even I could think of that one.

Yeah, and it would be demonstrating how capacious the back was.

Exactly.

The nice hatchback feature.

Yeah, how good the support was, the suspension.

That's a good idea.

Thanks, man.

And you'd get a celebrity who was famous for her large balcony area.

What's her name from Kenny Everett?

Cleo Rocos.

Yeah.

For the new Renault Cleo.

Yeah.

You know.

Sexist.

Here's another one from a man who lives in Peru.

Or maybe doesn't live in Peru, grew up in Peru.

And this is a bit tangential.

He's called Pedro Juan Banco Skringos.

Can that be real?

No, that can't be real.

Do you think this whole thing's a joke?

Yeah.

That text.

I'm not gonna read it then.

Oh, let's get you to that one.

Wait, no, we'll do it.

I'll show it to you in the next record.

Oh, alright then.

Here's another one then.

This is good.

This is from Chris in Durham.

Here's a selection of ideas for car adverts.

Cars made of cheese driving along roads made out of crackers.

You see he's got a whole new visual environment there.

Absolutely.

And one that we can all associate with.

Cheese and crackers.

Yeah.

You're not a fan of cheese, are you Adam?

Personally, I like cheese, but I love crackers.

Here's another one.

Cars as Russian dolls.

i.e.

a super mini inside a small family car, inside an estate car, inside a 4x4, inside an articulated lorry.

That's good, isn't it?

That is good.

These are all from Chris and Durham.

Monkeys driving cars off cliffs.

Is another one.

Well, I don't quite get the idea of that, but it would certainly be spectacular.

Yeah.

People would talk about it.

That's all you need.

People love monkeys and nuns and midgets.

You can't fail.

Exactly.

Perhaps one advert could amalgamate all three ideas.

Chris, you are on fire.

Get yourself down to Purvis, Dotten Bridge and Wendell Farm.

Bootstain.

Wendell Farm.

And get a job.

Do you want another one?

Yeah, let's have one more and then we'll play some music and wrap up text the nation thereafter from Colin and Fanny This is really good Colin and Fanny again I think you deserve a high-powered job in the advertising industry for this a whole series of kids car toys Scalextric now has anyone done scalextric with real cars have they done it and if not why not?

Yeah, you'd have to strike a deal with whoever makes scalextric

Who is it?

Um, my dad.

Your dad needs to strike a deal with Adam's dad.

Uh, pull back and go cars is another very good one.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Remote controlled cars.

Someone must have done that.

I feel like that's been done, surely.

Giant people, remote controlling cars.

Those matchbox cars on tracks that loop the loop.

Yeah.

With tiny people inside.

Like Hot Wheels.

Exactly like Hot Wheels.

Those are really good ideas.

Yeah.

The most likely accompanied by kids by Kylie Minogue or Robbie Williams' children.

What?

Oh no, kids by Kylie and Robbie, or children by EMF, followed by the slogan, makes you feel like a kid again.

Right.

Eh?

That's quite good, isn't it?

It is good.

I feel like- I feel like you've seen that.

Two obvious.

It's still good.

I like where you're coming from.

You know, it pays to be obvious in advertising.

Let's have more of those finally after this next track.

This is the Black Keys with- No, it's not the Black Keys.

Why would we play the Black Keys?

We've got a Black Keys embargo here.

This is a disaster.

We don't.

It's a joke.

I win that award now.

Oh, don't, no, exactly.

Curtis Mayfield with move on up.

Curtis Mayfield with his cover of the Paul Weller classic, Move On Up.

That's just a little joke there.

It's a tiny one.

It's Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.

Coming up in any of the seconds what are coming up is going to be song wars.

That was well spoken, wasn't it?

It's a good little bit of grammar.

Thanks, mate.

We're going to have two callers that speak foreign languages on the phone to judge, ratify, appropriate

Our songs that's exciting take it from me That is exciting.

No bad excitement.

I'm worried that they won't be able to Hear all the words I've packed in there.

It's just not worth worrying about anything.

It's Saturday.

That's true Stop worrying.

It's nice day out there.

Yeah listeners It's all going to be wind calm down of those workmen being blown off the scaffolding over there or they okay

That everything's fine.

Who had the blustery day?

Was it Winnie the Pooh?

He's having a lovely day today.

Yeah, just imagine your Winnie the Pooh in your red boots.

What happened on his blustery day?

Just had a wicked time.

Did he flown about the place?

Umbrella fun?

They had a kite.

Umbrella.

Piglet floated off on a balloon.

That sounds horrific.

The balloon was full of blue.

Piglet was in an alley.

It's like enduring love.

They were holding onto the balloon.

They didn't know when to let go.

Piglet let go and he came and his legs went through his throat.

And when he left food traumatized and then he got stalked by.

Hey, hey, there are kids listening.

You might freak them out.

Sorry, kids.

Not true.

None of it happened.

Piglet fine.

More music?

Yes.

Here's the British sea power.

Yes, it's song wars time.

This is the part of the show where Adam and I both individually in isolation compose a song on a chosen theme and then we play them both to you and you vote for which is best.

That's as simple as you can put it, really, and you're allowed to vote right the way through the week, so if you're listening to this show with the Listen Again facility, then of course it's no good texting, but you can email your vote, and the winner of Song Wars will be announced on next week's show.

Yes.

Now, this week's theme is Foreign Language Songs.

I did one in French, Adam did one in Spanish.

We're going to start with my song, and we have a fluent French speaker on the line to kind of assess

My song, his name is Aiden.

How you doing Aiden, are you there?

Yes, I'm here, yes.

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour.

Bonjour, Aiden, ça va?

ça va bien, ça vous?

Yeah, we could tell, mate.

Um, what, you're a French teacher, is that right?

I am indeed, yes.

So you're charged with... 15 years, my own boy.

Really?

And are you good?

Do your pupils like you?

They... hit me.

Do they really?

No, some of them love me.

And Aidan, are you the kind of teacher, what's your surname incidentally?

Docherty.

Docherty, so you're Monsieur Docherty, Monsieur Docherty, do you make them call you Monsieur Docherty?

I do indeed, yes.

Are you one of these teachers?

I call them Monsieur, I call them Aliala Poobell.

Excuse me sir, can I go to the bend?

Exactly right.

So you speak French all the time in your classes?

You would walk in the room and everything you say would be in French, is that right?

Well, yes, mostly.

Yeah, apart from things like, why do you not have your homework done?

Yes.

Which needs more directness.

But if they start speaking in English, you say... Of course.

And have you taken expeditions to France?

Not for a while.

You see, I teach in Corinne, which is a way of... it's about 4 million maids from France.

We don't have the channel.

Right.

That's true.

That's really a 10 days camel race.

Plus, it's a liability, man.

You take the teens out there, they get all crazy hooked up on this.

That's an important part of anyone's childhood is the trip to France.

That's true.

Remember the maids that everybody wants to buy?

That's the the what you flick made you can base like me.

Oh man, Fred Francis full of illegal.

Nice.

There's the fireworks throwing stars and loose women All the presenters of that program loose women there over there and anyone can snog their flabby old faces Hello

So let's hear Joe's song and, Aidan, listen very carefully.

We're going to want you to tell us whether you think Joe's use of French was, A, accurate, B, creative, C, what, give us a C?

Fun.

Fun?

Okay, so here's his song all about the lovely actresses of France.

Okay.

Ah, je dois, a les actres français.

A juliet de noche.

A de qu'un brioche, flanor, le longue de rieux gouge, je paris je t'est.

Vouguard vais vais fristat, et son ami pascale, a chute du pin du boulangerie.

Ah, les baguettes, devoir c'est catarinde de nouve, avec la finécer le verve, ma chun, son champs vivit.

No?

Okay.

No?

I'm not sure le puppidou is an actual commonly used French phrase.

Is it, Aidan, can you tell us that?

It's not particularly... Oh, le puppidou.

It sounds a bit like pompidou, but it's just... Oh, le pompidou.

It's a big shop in Paris.

It's not?

Is it a shop, or is it not a Richard Rodgers-designed art gallery area?

It is, but you can buy things and...

Yes, got a gallery shop, hasn't he?

I've out French to you there.

I'm more French than you are, mate.

So, Aidan, how was the grammar that Joe was using in there?

Okay, now I have to turn teacher here, obviously, gentlemen.

So, a couple of grammatical errors.

Not very many, just a couple.

What were they?

Well, a crease, as you know, is feminine plural.

So, tout lait a crease.

Well, that's what I said.

You said too late, actually.

Too, too late.

You know, fair enough, fair enough.

I'm taking it on the chin, sir.

I might follow you home and I'll take you.

The only other thing was, I think you said fair.

I'm sorry, I think you said fair.

It should have been fair.

It should have been the infinitive at the past part.

So how would you say that?

I'm very happy with it.

How would you say that, sir?

Down to a B, I think.

What would you grade that?

How would you grade that, Monsieur?

Well, again, apart from that, as I say, you did more or less what I would tell the kids in school.

You stuck with what you know and you kept it simple.

Babel Fish.

Leave it out of ten.

8 out of 10.

B+, B, B, I'm a beacon.

Aidan, thanks very much.

That's very kind of you to cooperate in this stupid charade.

Well, he's setting a pleasure.

He's talking to you in your own stupid language.

Talk to me like that, or I will ram a baguette in your nose.

yeah but thank you very much indeed and good luck with your teaching you're a great man people like you should be celebrated more than the actors at the Oscars exactly yeah they should do some kind of film with Robin Williams about you about you cheers Aiden thanks very much didn't sound very excited about that film take care bye bye now we will we will do the same thing with my track we will be talking to a Spanish speaking expert after this by the young new young pony club this is the bomb

the new young pony club with the bomb not the old young pony club or the old old pony club no no one cares about them anymore uh it's the new one that's the song about dan sing are they gonna have to rename themselves when they're not new anymore exactly i used to have a stuffed toy when i was a child called i called it newy

because it was new.

And, you know, I thought eventually I'd have to call it oldie, but I never did.

No.

That'll be fine.

The young knives will be the young knives until they're 60, and that's the way it goes in rock and roll.

So we're in the midst of Song Wars, our weekly battle of self-composed songs, this week on the theme of foreign language.

I've done mine in French, Adam's done his in Spanish, both about actresses, and we are playing the songs to thumb

a fluent foreign language to be capable mentors.

And speak the language.

So who have we got on the line?

This is Lydia Pollock on the line.

She lives in Barcelona.

She's actually listening to this programme in Barcelona.

Hi, are you there, Lydia?

Hello, hola.

Good to see you.

Hola, como esta?

What are you... ¡Vamos otro!

Yeah, all right, thanks.

What are you doing listening to this when you're in Barcelona?

Well, I was just doing some work, and I got up early.

I didn't go out last night, so I got up early doing some work, and then I'm off to a barbecue, so it's kind of doing my stuff on a Saturday morning.

How's the weather in Barcelona?

Oh, it's lovely.

Yeah, it's quite hazy, but it's warm.

What a life.

About 20 degrees or so.

Is there any time difference there in Barcelona?

You're one hour ahead, aren't you?

One hour, that's right, yeah.

I'm imagining you in a kind of sexy, silky dress.

in a sort of a tiled front room with very beautiful furniture.

And it's beautiful outside the window.

Windows are open.

It's all sunny.

There are exotic birds fluttering in and out.

Yeah, that'll be pretty much accurate.

That's it.

And there's a bowl of paella on the side.

No, no, it's a bit early for lunch, you see.

I've lunch a bit later here.

Yeah.

You've got your castanets by the phone there.

That's right, yeah.

What do you do for a living in Barcelona there, Lydia?

I'm a teacher too.

Are you?

Like the previous caller, yeah.

Like Aidan, and what do you teach?

Well, I teach English, not French.

Okay, right, right.

So you teach English to Spanish students.

That's right, yeah.

And obviously you are fluent in Spanish.

That's right.

How long have you lived there?

I've been here for about seven years now.

right okay and it's a long time yeah very enjoyable I would imagine I love Spain and I really wish I could spend a good amount of time there so I could get back into the language but he's hitting on you Lydia and he wants to stay at your house yeah Adam come and stay at your house just Adam

back to you in the night.

Why'd you have to add that on?

Because everyone knows that's what you're thinking.

Now, Lydia, let's get off this whole jack, shall we?

And I'll play you my track.

This is a track that I've written entirely in Spanish.

I really labored hard to try and get some rhymes in here, and it's fairly densely worded.

So the grammar of the thing... Yeah, I did listen to it.

Right.

I did listen to it, and I listened to it with my flatmate as well, who's Spanish.

Lydia?

Hold on to those judgments because we're gonna hear the song again And then we're gonna find out exactly what you think about it.

So here we go

Penelope Cruz.

O la yo tengo, pelo negro, píos, hermosas pero, peneno yo tengo, estaría, alegre con duciero, la legro y después, haga una vierda, qui gante, ooh, penelo que cruz, mejamos sin riscargas, pestaños pero, nejos parati,

Ooh, Penelope Cruz, mi chamos sí está bá un Sahara y cá tú códern y smadolí.

Ooh, verdóny me, es me estó mago hacido.

Ay, caramba, era una mucho lago.

Penelope Cruz, me llamos y me stargas, me estaños puerone chos parate.

Oop, Penelope Cruz, me llamos y me estaba un sajara pica, un correr, mis madoli, con y ques.

So there you go, I was trying to do a little Penelope Cruz impression there, because she has a very particular way of speaking, and it's sort of the... I use this word too often, but quintessential kind of Spanish accent.

I believe you use that word.

Sorry, mate.

Boring.

Lydia, are you still there?

Have you taken your own life?

Yeah, yeah, hi.

You're there, good.

Wow.

So listen, let's start with your understanding of those lyrics.

What was that song about?

I didn't understand a word.

Well, the song was that he was basically going through Penelope Cruz films, and some that he hadn't seen, like Volver.

Yeah.

Right.

What was the first bit about?

I don't know.

I didn't catch all of it.

And as I said, I listened to it only with my flatmate.

And then we didn't really catch it.

So you look both... So hang on.

Her name is Penelope Cruz.

Let's get this straight.

You're both fluent Spanish speakers.

And you understand it.

Well, I'll say this for you now.

It says... I am Penelope Cruz.

Hello.

Penelope Cruz, I've got black hair.

Yeah.

That's white.

What is that saying?

Hang on, translate it.

She didn't understand.

Gotta be marks off.

Gotta be marks off for that.

And how about this then?

Obviously remember it's a family show.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, thanks very much.

Well, how about this day?

It's never obvious.

I would be happy driving a... What's a legro?

What's a legro?

It's a car, isn't it?

I'd be happy driving a legro!

You know nothing about Pinocchio Cruz.

She would be happy just making abstract statements that could apply to anybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I say that or not?

No, don't say the actual words.

And afterwards she would go to the loo in a big way.

In a big way, yeah.

This song is lowering in my estimation.

It's filthy.

And how about this?

This is actually based on an incident in Penelope's life.

OK, so she's saying that my long eyelashes were made for you.

There you go.

Was that an incident in her life?

Yes, because she did this... Oh, it was quite an incident?

No, she did this L'Oreal ad for this eyelash stuff that was supposed to make your eyelashes look longer and it turned out that they'd stuck falsies on her for the ad.

It was a scandal and I worked it into the song in Spanish!

I'm a kind of genius!

So, Lydia, listen, in a sort of brief few seconds, tell us what you thought of that song.

Out of ten, for instance.

Um, at eight out of ten I'd give it seven and a half.

Oh, Miss!

Uh, A, B or C?

Plus or minus?

I'll give it at B plus.

B plus?

Lydia, thank you very, very much indeed for joining us.

My pleasure, my pleasure.

We're privileged that you're listening.

Ooh, can I just give my love to my family?

No, absolutely not.

Can I give my love to Sophie?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just miss you all loads and see you soon.

Sorry, no, it's not the kind of thing we do.

Thanks for calling.

Here's the news read by Harvey Cook and the music news read by Andre Bain.

Thanks, Lydia.

on digital radio and online BBC six music Harry touches down

That's REM with Supernatural, Super Serious, and they're playing London's Royal Albert Hall for 6 Music on the 24th of March with support from Folds and Duke Spirits, and you can win tickets to go by logging onto the 6 Music website where you will find details.

I love details.

I love them as well, there's lots of them on there.

So listen, it's not looking good for me in song wars, I just get the sense that

I've clashed with this Flight of the Concord song that I've never heard.

You're getting lots of comparisons there.

People thinking I've copied it.

I've just got to go a bit weirder in future, I think.

But here's an email that came in during the week from Bill in Derby.

He says, he's first of all very happy that Song Wars is back.

And he says, you know, you're both very mismatched in terms of comedy song creation.

Once again, Joe has tossed off yet another notepurfect parody stroke, as a word I can't say, take, of a cod French tune.

Joe can do any style.

He's like Beatle Paul.

To wit, Michelle, when I'm sixty-four, O la di obli de du du and honey pie.

I don't really know the Beatles very well.

Adam, on the other hand, is like Frank Zappa.

His creations are often darker and more challenging, subversive, anti-establishment.

There's more of Adam in his songs than there is of Joe in his own tunes, I conclude.

Joe is the populist.

Adam is the anarchist.

Which, interestingly, runs counter to your apparent radio personas.

That of the eager-to-please Adam and the unsuson, cynical Joe.

Mmm.

Entrezant.

With these deconstructions in mind, I'm voting for... I shall not read that out.

I was going to stay a secret.

So I'm not saying I agree with any of that, but it's interesting.

I really like it when listeners think really hard about it and analyse it.

About what we're like.

Makes me feel special.

Eager to please.

I'm not eager, please.

I'm not.

I'm eager to please.

I love you, listeners.

I love you.

I don't care about you, listeners.

I think you're... I'm not populist.

I'm gonna do such a weird song in the next fortnight.

It's gonna be so weird.

It's gonna out-weird your songs.

Your songs are gonna look like standard-issue songs compared to my one.

Well, folks, after this next track, which I've chosen for you, and I will explain to you in great detail which track it is, because I'm so eager to please.

After this next track, we will wrap up Text-A-Nation for you this week.

And don't forget that we need some suggestions for future.

No, you can suggest anything to us, you know, Text-A-Nation or Song Wars topics.

Don't be shy.

Keep your emails and texts coming in.

Yeah, don't let your feelings roll on by.

Just text them on in.

Themes, but mainly themes for Song Wars.

We're gonna do this Song Wars thing every other week.

That's right.

So next week we'll announce the winner and we'll also pick a theme.

So, you know, it's just non-stop excitement.

Non-stop excitement, which continues now with this delightful track from Lou Reed.

And this is a track that I don't think is played very often on the radio, and it's from his 1991 album, New Sensations.

which was something of a return to form after years in the wilderness for Reed.

But it's an album I'm really fond of and this track is sort of romantic and it's a little cheesy sounding.

He's got a sort of brr brr brr brr, Mick Carnes type bass on there a little bit.

But it's romantic, it's about him going off on his motorbike and driving through the land and here it is.

This is New Sensations by Lou Reed.

It's got a

on the music week this week we're joined by two of the music world's greatest legends as the enemy blesses them with godlike genius status we chat in depth with the manic street creatures plus who inspires music's great i sit down with nick cave to talk about his heroes and meeting johnny cash he was led down the stairs with his kind of arms out going nick are you there are you there so when he picked up his guitar and the years just kind of dropped away

That's the Music Week with me, Julie Cullen and Matt Eberret.

Tomorrow, from one... BBC Six Music.

Is it technically possible to play just the very beginning of that trail again?

No.

I just like the way the man went, Six Music.

They found the beginning.

Right.

How do they get people to do that?

How do you get yourself into the frame of mind in a voiceover booth to say six music in such a kind of, you know, fashionable way?

Well, they'll give them a selection, I would imagine.

Really?

Some of the other ones he's probably going, Six music?

Six music!

It's like, um... It's like he hates the station.

Yeah.

And someone's just threatened to hit him unless he says it.

Well, you know, that's the- But it's cool not to care, isn't it?

That's why- That's why Lilliana's such a big hit.

It's true.

That's why it's done when that guy said I was eager to please.

That hurts, boy.

Really?

Nobody likes someone who's- So unfashionable.

It's very unfashionable.

Yeah.

Whereas I am.

But your true nature is true.

It's goofy and upbeat.

So shall we wrap up?

Are we in a position to wrap up?

Yeah, we've got a couple here.

We're asking you for your ideas for innovative new car adverts.

you know you do you know i think i do yeah fill in chorley says millions of tiny ants as opposed to giant ones come as one forming a giant car that weaves through mountains and trees before crashing into something then splitting back into the hordes of ants that scurry back into their nests a little sore but happy

Yeah.

What is that saying about the car?

Um... I mean, it's a visual feast.

You need to catch praise, doesn't it?

Yeah, um... Let's go down to your pants.

Go to your car and drive somewhere nice.

That's good, man!

Yeah?

You just came up with that!

I just diddled it.

I diddled it.

Yeah, you should say diddled it.

Sorry.

Why not?

Carry on.

Uh, this is from Abby Kelly in Wilsdon.

uh car ad idea colon see a car total silence then suddenly headlights flip on grill on the front opens up and Huge ominous mouth with metal teeth opens up and starts talking really deep voice like James Earl Jones starts describing the features and the style of the car then it stops talking does a huge thunderous burp and out comes a family

That slogan then says, let the car do the talking.

Right.

That's got the family.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Would the family be okay?

They probably, they'd be a bit of a stench.

They'd be wafting the weird burpee stench.

That's pretty much it for car adverse ideas.

That's a good lot, man.

That's a very good lot.

There's another long one that I haven't read that involves Richard Hammond from James and Edinburgh.

Do you want me to read that?

Yeah, go on then.

A cliff overlooking the sea on overcast day.

Two medieval shepherds watch over their flock on the cliff's edge.

Music, plain song.

Shot of the sea which begins to gently stir.

Close up of shepherd as he turns to watch the water.

Rumbling heard from the sea, louder and louder, music changes to prelude to Parsifal by Richard Wagner.

Slowly a church spire raises from the ocean.

Close up to astonished face of shepherds.

Spire continues to rise.

Blah blah blah.

Basically a church comes out of the water, Richard Hammond comes out of the church.

Uh, driving in a car, the car stops in front of the shepherds, window rolls down to reveal a smug-looking Hammond, hands the peasants a kipper, in a clear reference to the aquatic lotus, a spree seen in the spy who love me.

What?

Yeah, using the little list, Hammond drives off, leaving the befuddled shepherds, staring in disbelief, letters come up on the screen, reading, Renault, drive your imagination.

I think that's just real.

From James and Edinburgh.

Well, I needn't have read it.

You made me read it.

It's your fault.

That's good.

I mean, that's very thoroughly explained there.

That's it for Text the Nation this week, though.

I think one or two listeners are going to have very successful careers in the advertising industry.

Yeah, exactly.

We can all sell out together.

So thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails on that.

There'll be more next week, of course.

Now, Joe, this is your choice.

Yeah, this is really good, and I'm sorry it's got put at the end of the show.

I get the feeling that songs at the end of the show are somehow less important than the ones at the beginning.

No, man, it's the climax of the show.

When does listenership peak?

Because I assume everyone's gone shopping at about 11.

No.

Not for our show.

I would imagine most people.

Nye's a bit too early.

I would imagine between 10 or 11 are.

our listenership peaks to maybe six or seven people know anyway this is a classic this is a bit of hip-hop it's by a group called black moon uh... they were i think they were all under sixteen when they recorded this uh... it's a remix of one of their best tracks pretty sure it doesn't have any swearing in it i'm a hundred percent sure this is black moon with gotcha open

That's Black Moon with Gotcha Open.

If you're a fan of the Hippity Hop, I do recommend you check out Black Moon.

Not sure they're around anymore, but they were amazing, their first album especially.

I think it's called Enter Dastage.

Enter Dastage is fantastic.

I didn't hear any filthy language there.

No, I think it was Swear Free, which is unusual for the hip-hop genre.

Very well done, young men, because they love swearing.

They love to swear.

Just to see some young men selling a good example for a change.

Now, we're both profoundly excited because we've just been told that Liz Kershaw is away, so Claire Grogan's sitting in for her, and we're both quite starstruck.

Exactly.

We're not pleased, obviously, that Liz Kershaw is away.

No.

We're just happy that Claire is here and filling in for her.

Yeah, there's gonna be some.

Quite awkward conversation when our paths cross in a second.

That's right.

Especially for me, because I'm so eager to please.

You're so eager to please.

I'm just going to be very laid back and, you know, Mr. Cool.

Just before we go, a bit of house cleaning for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, things we were talking about earlier.

The Who documentary is called Amazing Journey, the Story of the Who, and it's available on DVD in all good DVD shops.

It's not The Kids Are All Right, which was an old concert film.

No, this is a new one, revamped and everything.

This is a new one.

I'm gonna go ahead and get it.

Right now, I'm gonna step into Dirty Oxford Street and snap it up, if I can.

And, uh, I was talking about Lou Reed's album, New Sensations, not 1991.

I was joking!

It was a joke!

What sort of a joke was it?

And you fell for it!

It was a bad joke.

You fell for it!

You thought I was serious!

I wasn't serious!

It was 1984.

Anyone would know that!

1984 it came out.

Definitely because it's got a song all about video games called My Red Joystick on there.

How silly.

It's quite a silly thing for him to sing about.

And another song on the same album called Down at the Arcade where he talks about putting my lid down on Robotron.

Which is a good lyrics very stupid anyway folks.

Thank you so much indeed for listening to us this week We've really appreciated all your texts and emails really nice to speak to some humans on the phone as well We should humans more often nice to speak to humans nice.

We like humans nice humans What's that love?

Oh yeah, the podcast will be available from, I think, 6pm tomorrow, yeah, and listen again all week if you want to go through the whole three hour torture thing.

Thanks a lot for listening.

We'll see you at the same time next week, 9 till noon here on 6 Music.

Stay tuned for Claire Grogan.

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