The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (09 February 2008)

No, just you.

Stop it.

Stop talking.

No, you're still down a little bit there.

Oh, that's nice.

That's good, man.

Say something.

Go on, say something to me.

I love chocolate.

Oh, chocolate.

I want to eat chocolate all over my mouth.

I want to put it in my mouth and chew it and swallow it.

Stop it there.

Sit in my tummy.

Yeah.

You could do adverts.

I cook goodnight.

Hey, listen listeners.

Good morning.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC six music Hope you found a good night's sleep Adam and I of course have been out all night clubbing Yeah, we've been partying.

I was at the scrunchbox in Mayfair with Tara Farah Tomkinson I was at the Nunty rooms really in depressed.

I was raving on on a Pill I was so drugs.

I wasn't when I say a pill.

I mean like an aspirin, right?

Mmm

I was all over the drugs.

Were you?

No.

And it was sweaty and sexy and I was dancing with a girl.

But she was sexy and she wasn't wearing much.

But I looked closer and she had stitched into the nape of her back, you know, the bottom of her back, a little label saying chlamydia.

Chlamydia, that's nice.

Like in one of those adverts.

So I thought, no, I won't bother.

Which adverts are you talking about?

The ones about chlamydia.

Then I was dancing with another girl and she was really, really sexy.

But then I saw she was wearing a necklace saying chlamydia.

Oh dear.

Yes, it's a shame.

Puts you off, doesn't it?

It does put you off, but I'm happy it's so clearly signposted these days.

You know what?

It doesn't put me off, doesn't it?

No, I like it.

You love it.

Yes, because I think A, it's a pretty name.

And it suggests to me that maybe they're promiscuous, in which case I'm in there.

You are in there.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand.

Good, good.

Hey listeners, thank you very much for joining us.

We hope you're going to stick with us for as long as you can until midday, which is how long we're here until.

We've got good music for you and entertaining chit-chat.

And let's continue in that vein right now.

This is a good link, isn't it, man?

I'm impressed.

The way I'm talking, stringing all these words together.

Yeah.

It's pretty impressive stuff, isn't it?

So now, I don't know anything about this band.

Who are they?

Pink squares?

No, no, no.

I was a Cub Scout.

I always get that wrong.

I was a Cub Scout.

We've played this before, haven't we?

Yeah.

And it's good, I seem to recall, in my brainium.

So this is, I was a Cub Scout with pink squares.

That was I Was a Cub Scout with Pink Squares, and I Was a Cub Scout are gonna be playing at the Six Music Showcase at the South by Southwest Festival in Austin, Texas.

Right?

In 2008.

That's this year!

I've been to Austin.

Have you?

Yeah, it's really nice.

That's a happening town.

Yeah, it's lovely.

I went to the Alamo Drafthouse.

Right.

You know where big old Harry Knowles, King of Internet Movie Nerds, lives?

Does he?

It's a cinema where you sit at kind of benches as if you're studying for an exam and you can eat food.

Does he do ancient films?

He does do it.

Right, right.

Yeah.

And when did you go there to Austin, Texas?

I went there last year to Austin, Texas.

What were you doing there?

I was doing there!

No, I was with the Hot Fuzz guys.

Yeah, promoting Hot Fuzz.

They had a screening there.

What's Hot Fuzz?

Hot Fuzz is a kind of sensation you get when you rub yourself on the carpet.

I want to go to Austin, Texas.

It's cool.

Why can't we go there and do something for set music?

Let's do a live show from there.

Can't we?

Our show would be massively improved by sending us on holiday.

I haven't been to America for about 10 years.

Really?

Yeah, not since well.

Yeah, since 2001, man.

The last time I was there was changed.

Was the day after 9-11.

Oh my god.

And apparently it's changed.

It's changed enormously.

Joe Cornish, I heard saying that it's really changed.

Yeah, I heard him say that as well.

He's always right.

The whole studio, listeners, I'm sorry to tell you, smells a little bit revolting this morning because someone left the milk in the fridge too long or something, it's gone off, but I don't understand how just milk in a fridge can stink up the entire place to quite such a degree.

When I came in this morning,

It was like the aftermath of a particularly bad house party.

Do you know what I mean?

That's the worst smell in the world, isn't it?

It's like an airborne virus.

Stroke vomit?

Do you think it's... Do you think it's actually contagious?

Yes.

I'll smell it off milk for the rest of the day.

Yes.

That's terrible.

Whoever, it's like living in a kind of student digs this place, isn't it?

All the people lounging around, listening to alternative music, letting their milk go off.

It's a total nightmare.

It's a rock station.

That's the kind of behavior that's to be expected.

Now, we've got some music here that was chosen by you, Joe.

Yeah, I chose this one.

This is by the Fine Young Cannibals.

They're a band from the 80s.

If you're, you know, young, you might not remember them, but they were really good.

They had a lead singer called Roland Gift.

Yeah.

Is that right?

God's gift.

He was a very handsome man.

Very handsome.

What's he doing now?

I don't know, probably just being very happy.

Exactly.

Out of the public eye.

But he's kind of either that or producing music that no one pays attention to.

Or maybe they do and we don't know because he's the man behind the scenes.

He's got like a moniker now.

Exactly.

He's an amazingly famous producer.

The gift meister.

Who knows?

But this is one of their best tracks, I think.

This is the Fine Young Cannibals with I'm Not the Man I Used to Be.

Yeah, hip-hop's come on quite a way since then.

Uh, has it?

Yeah, it's developed.

That's kind of... You proceeded to eat it because it was death.

I like that.

That's kind of like Duplo hip-hop business.

No, it's good enough, man.

You don't need anything more than that.

Who was in Run DMC?

That's Gem Master Jay.

Was he in there?

Probably.

J-Master, Jam, Jarwood.

The Jam Jar.

He was one of the early champions of 50 Cent, wasn't he?

I believe he was, yeah.

I think eventually Eminem and Dr. Dre got hold of 50 Cent and propelled him to superstardom, but Jam, Master, J, or whatever his name was from Run DMC, was one of the first people that encouraged young Curtis.

Well, there's a real 50 cent, isn't there?

He's a real robber man.

Yeah, and 50 cent, he doesn't get much respect if you kind of push people about him because people reckon he kind of stole the kind of life of the genuine 50 cent.

Right.

And actually, he's quite well-bought up.

Nice fella.

Curtis?

Yeah, Curtis.

Not really, though.

I mean, he had... That's what I've been told.

He had a rough life.

Comparatively speaking.

Oh, really?

You think he... uh, comparative... Apparently, he exaggerates it a bit.

Man, I saw MTV Cribs last night.

Ooh.

And they were looking around.

50 cents, house.

I like to call him 50 pence and 50 pence has an amazing house.

It's extraordinary and I think it must have been filmed fairly recently because he was talking about his lot was his last album called Curtis I don't know that came out last year I think it was so it must have been filmed late last year early this year and that couldn't be an early this year could it but anyway he lives in Farmington Connecticut in 18 we get the specific date of the yeah right before

we move on.

Well, I'm trying to establish how recent it was, you know what I mean?

And I think it was fairly recent.

18 and a half million dollar mansion he's got there used to belong to Mike Tyson.

And although at the end, he reveals that he's recently got himself another place in Long Island.

Oh, my Lord, so he can be closer to his son.

Anyway, this place he's got there in Farmington, Connecticut, it's amazing.

It's got a helicopter, Joe.

Wow.

It's got a red helicopter.

No, Ledmonds has got one of those.

It's not that amazing.

Yeah, but you expect Knoll to have one.

You know, Knoll's been at the coal face for years and years and years, but Fitty, he's only been a player for maybe five years or something.

Okay, I'll give you that.

And it's an extraordinary accumulation of wealth and splendor that he's got there in Farmington.

He's got

are several cars, Joe.

Several cars.

More than one, like one he's got presumably for going to the shops, one he's got for the school run, but he's got several others that I can't even think of uses for and they're different colors.

One of them cost a million dollars.

Wow.

Which is too much for a card, don't you reckon?

It's a waste of money.

I mean, a card is a practical thing.

Exactly.

It'll only get scratched.

Exactly.

It's keyest.

That's right.

Well, if they did, I would imagine there would be robot security guards in Farmington, Connecticut that would kill you.

But he's got basketball courts and tennis courts there.

He's got a pool room with Louis Vuitton upholstered walls.

Joe.

Wow.

And on the pool table itself, instead of green bays, he's got Louis Vuitton bays.

Oh, that's classy.

It's the best way to play pool.

It's the only way that you would want to play pool.

He's got a club in this house, Joe, a nightclub, and he's got all the facilities you need for topless lady dancing.

Does the nightclub have people in it?

No.

It's just empty.

It's totally empty.

Is there any use?

Well, I'd have robot people.

You reckon?

Yeah, like replicants.

Yeah, not like just just you know robotic right so I could dance yeah, that's a good idea then man Maybe he's got them in a in a robot cup in there probably I draw it who can tell me under the floor He's got giant revolving plasma TVs everywhere in his hat in his room at the end of his bed You know what I mean?

Yeah, if he maybe wants to shift position.

He's got a little control Oh

The TV revolves around, depending on where he is in the room.

He's got one in the shower, opposite the shower.

In case you want to watch TV in the shower, he says.

You know, quite logical.

And then, ah, what else has he got there?

And then one of the nice things about his house is that he's got rooms for all his friends in G-Unit.

So you go down, there's a special little wing for Tony Yayo, and there's one for Young Buck, and there's a little wing for Lloyd Banks, as well as Guy's little room there at the end.

Obviously, Fitty's room is much more splendiferous than theirs, and he's got like a staircase in his room, and they, as far as I can tell, they didn't have revolving tellies.

But they were still pretty nice.

But the whole place was a little bit like a kind of, uh... a hotel from a theme park.

Well, you know, sometimes in those things they just film them in a hotel.

You reckon?

In a theme park.

I think so, yeah.

No, because G-Unit and Fiti's name was painted everywhere and there were big murals.

Yeah, they do that.

They do, they do, they do do that.

It's like a hello photo shoot, you know, where you just get a suite or hire a house.

to make it look like it's yours they do do that sometimes i know i know but they fifty cent lives in a little house in dahood he keeps it real a little crack shack well i was thinking if if it is his place and i have every reason to believe that it really was at the end he was saying next time mtv cribs i was joking about my new house is he talking like that no he was saying he was talking like this he was saying because you know he got shot in the face and stuff sure he did so he's like his mouth's a little bit mangled

Peppa Pot.

He is.

And say, next time, it'll be great if you can come round my house.

In fact, what?

That would just be a good novelty Peppa Pot.

Yeah.

50 cent with some holes.

With some bullet holes.

And maybe salt, not pepper, because you'd need to grind it.

You could have a Linda Blair Peppa Pot.

That's nice.

Rotate the head.

Absolutely.

It could dispense guacamole as well.

Sorry, Keith.

There's all kinds of tasteless Peppa Pots you could have.

So yeah, we're promised a tour of his house in Long Island.

And I was thinking about, like, what?

could he possibly have there, do you know what I mean?

I mean, we should listen to some music, but I've got some ideas for what Fitty could have in his new house that I'd like to tell you listeners.

Uh, but for now listeners, we've got hives.

There you go, that's the hives.

They were just making that up as they went along, as far as I can tell.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It is 10.30 and it's time for the news read by, no, it's not 10.30, it's 9.30, excuse me.

Time for the news read by Chris Wincrest.

Shouting, how many times have I told you about shouting Perry Farrell with your Jane's addiction?

You make me sick.

That was Jane's addiction.

And, uh, with Just Because.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Morning, this is very, very nice morning.

Would you call it?

It's like the cusp of spring, isn't it?

Don't you think?

Little bit of spring in the air?

It's certainly about to be spring.

I really hope so, because I'm fed up of winter.

You always forget that winter doesn't really stop.

I always assume that winter stops around about, you know, New Year.

But don't do it.

That's more or less the beginning of winter.

You get the whole of January, it's a nightmare.

Have we had any texts in about Fitty's house?

I think someone texted in.

I was speculating before about what Fitty would have in his new house, Fitty Cent, I'm talking about.

because the place that he's got already that was on MTV Cribs last night was just amazing.

I was thinking, how much better could it get?

You know what I mean?

What would you have in your fantasy house?

Have you ever thought about that, Joe?

Not really, but I will now.

I'll have a think about it now.

I was thinking that Fitty, like with all this money, because he's like number two most richest rapper, right?

Behind Jay-Z.

I don't know.

I think he is.

I think Forbes has rated him as, because he's got loads of going concerns apart from all the rapping he does, right?

He's got all his special drinks.

for building muscle building.

He's got his range of condoms, I think.

He's got all, like, fingers in all kinds of pies, which is not a nice expression to use after mentioning condoms, but still, you know what I'm talking about, listeners.

So I was thinking, like, in Fitty's new house, right, seeing as he can have anything, I was thinking a good thing to have would be a house inside the house.

like a little semi-detached house in the living room.

And a family would live there.

Do you know what I mean?

Like a real family.

But they would be big fans of Fiti.

And they'd play his music all the time and they'd be delighted to live there.

So it would be a nice two-way deal.

You know, it would be nice for 50 to enjoy their adoration and of course it would be fun for the family to live in the...

living room of their hero so that's a nice idea also you could have obviously this is an obvious one rooms with money wallpaper that would be great wouldn't it so actually paper the wall that the walls with money with real money and then the furniture would be made out of big blocks of money

It's a bit tacky.

Well, I didn't think that would be a problem.

No, probably it probably isn't.

I thought he would like it.

Do you know what I mean?

Because it's not only is it you could make him you can make him comfortable, you know, but there would be solid money.

It wouldn't be like a wooden framework with money put pasted on top.

That would be cheating.

It would be solid money.

He would his bedsheets would be made from the Turin shroud.

I was thinking.

Oh, because that's a little tasteless.

and possibly offensive to a lot of people.

with the Turin Shroud.

Like Holy Relics.

Yeah, a little bit of the Turin Shroud.

Exactly.

He could have any kind of Holy Relic all stitched together.

And it wouldn't just be the Shroud itself, it would be part of a duvet.

He'd need a very, very gentle powder to wash that with.

Exactly.

Do it at 30.

Just for the environment and for the Relic.

You wouldn't want it maybe just 20, I would say.

I wouldn't go as high as 30 for the Turin Shroud.

Um, and he would, in his house also, he'd have a lot of gold things, because that's what rich people like.

Gold water?

He would have golden water.

Delicious golden water.

Well, only little bits of gold.

Do you remember we had, we had that drink before one time?

Sure.

And sent us some booze with gold in it.

Gold is not bad for you if taken in small doses.

He would have gold-plated fruit.

Delicious.

He'd also have a machine that when you go to the loo, right, and for number twos, it would gold-plate your pops as they fell out into the bowl.

Why wouldn't that be great?

What do you mean why?

So you could keep them.

And, uh, you could store them.

Maybe you'd keep them, maybe you'd just flush them down, because that's, you don't care.

So what, gold pops?

I don't care, flush them.

But it would just be nice to find- Nice treat for the sewage workers.

Well, exactly.

With little fishing nets.

Exactly, they could unwrap them.

Anyway, I was listening, I was thinking- Wait, they wouldn't unwrap them.

They'd just, uh, they'd just take the gold.

That's what I'm saying.

You know, you know... Oh, I see.

I thought you meant they were discarding the gold.

That would be insane.

In order to get to the... Why would you do that?

Well, because they're big fans of 50 Cent.

Exactly.

You could put it on eBay.

So it works both ways, now that you mention it like that.

Anyway, I was thinking if anyone had any other ideas for what Fitty could have in his house, or indeed, what you would have in your house.

Listen, as if, like, your favourite house, if you had all the money in the world, out of your many houses, what kind of things would you have in there?

I'd be interested to know.

Now, are we going to play Pete and the Pirates now?

This is another band that apparently played at South by Southwest in Austin, Texas last year for 6 Music.

And this track is called Mr. Understanding.

So let's recap.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

That's Pete and the Pirates with Mr. Understanding.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC 6 Music.

I was bad this week Adam.

Oh, what did you do?

I went to see, this isn't the bad thing, I went to see No Country for Old Men.

The Coen Brothers film.

Yeah, did you enjoy it?

I did enjoy it, but it was being ruined for me by four people.

The actors?

No.

And I saw it.

It's a very quiet film.

That's right.

It's got an amazing soundtrack in it, very little music.

It's true.

It's not good for eating.

I had my bag of... No!

...revels and I didn't get finished.

I think, listeners, this might be a common problem in this particular film.

Yeah.

That it really sort of highlights the annoyingness of munching and cinema behaviour, which winds me up anyway.

It's true.

But it's such a sort of studied film, beautiful vistas, amazing natural sounds.

And one of those films where because there's no sound, you get really absorbed in it.

You're paying much more attention.

And some young people, some thick young people from the suburbs, I don't want to insult people from the suburbs unless they're these particular people I'm thinking of.

I do want to insult them.

They're used to films with loud noises, monsters squashing people, people screaming, you know,

pop hits every four minutes.

People teleporting everywhere.

Yeah, the tiniest sounds sounding like a nuclear explosion.

Right.

So they used to just being able to chit-chittle-chittle all the time with no consequence, you know, and no consideration of anybody else.

And that's what these people started doing.

Oh.

That was the noise.

Constantly and left ear.

How far into the film are we at this point?

The very beginning.

No.

Yeah, like the first ten minutes.

Big thing of popcorn.

So your heart is sinking.

I'm just going I'm really I really want to enjoy this film I've saved it up I waited until the cinemas were a bit empty until cuz everyone was seeing that for the first couple of weeks it was full of You know who'd had dinner parties and chatting and so I went till it was empty Was it an option to move to a different part of the cinema?

No, cuz it was not a very big cinema and it's a white

screen presentation.

2.35 to 1 or whatever it is.

You've got to sit near the back.

My favourite aspect ratio.

I love that aspect ratio.

And then there were those people making a terrible racket and then in front of them there was a woman who I think was doing origami.

uh with some kind of rice paper either that or she was uh she she had one of those work from home jobs where you insert boxes into other boxes right and then rattle things she was making extraordinary noises probably the greaseproof paper on a sandwich maybe or something like that but it was really annoying me and i think everyone else in the cinema

Uh, so you know what I did?

Well, it's got to be turned around and do a bit of shushing.

I tried A. I tried tactic number one, staring.

Right.

And I'm sure other people have done this.

What you do is you just do a really, really strong lean forward.

Yeah.

Rotate your whole head so that your face catches the light and just glare in a Paddington Bear style.

And hope that, you know, they catch you out of their peripheral vision.

What if they're scary?

Why would you do that if this was scary?

The staff will back me up.

The little ladies.

I'm amazed that you would go for a face-off before you go for a shot.

I was really annoyed.

This didn't work.

I didn't work at all.

So I stood up.

And I went over to them.

And I leant right into them.

And you know that thing where you kind of build up a visual image of them in your brain in the half light of what they're like?

I thought he was like a...

a big beefy idiot man with a tattoo on his head and she was an awful slapper and they were stupid.

When I went into them, they looked, the first thing I noticed was they were quite nice.

They seemed like quite a nice, lovey-dovey couple having a nice evening at the cinema.

The next thing that happened was I tried to say to them, excuse me, can you please keep your voice down?

You're spoiling the film.

As soon as I talked, something loud happened in the film.

So I just went and they looked at me really confused.

Why is this man violating our personal space?

Why is he talking at us?

And so I just went Like that international language of my finger should tell them to shut it down it

They just look really freaked out.

Right.

They look really frightened and terrified.

Yeah, but did you get any results?

Oh yes.

Oh yeah.

It worked.

Good one.

They were so scared by this weird man leaning his stupid long face right into their Saturday night.

Yeah.

They didn't make another noise and I really enjoyed the film.

Good job.

I don't know whether anyone else has any more effective tactics for shutting people up.

But when you sat down did you feel a little traumatized by the encounter?

Did that ruin a few minutes of the film for you?

I did think that something might go down on the way out.

Right.

What did you do?

I tried to put it to the back of my mind but as the film was coming to an end...

I did start thinking, hmm, shall I go now?

How am I going to exit?

But no, it was fine.

I think they were so frightened.

Good job.

Warning, listeners, do not try this technique in any of the rougher cinemas in London's outer regions, or you'll get a knife in the julies, possibly, depending on the chain.

It's a good film, though.

It's great, isn't it?

It's pretty good.

It wouldn't be as good as it is without that weapon.

Yeah, the weapon's amazing.

Iconic.

Do you remember me talking about it before?

Yeah.

The weapons that pretty much, the weapon and the hair.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Pretty much most of the deal.

Genius.

It's like a horror film.

It's like Halloween.

I didn't realise.

No, he's a super villain.

He's like up there with the aliens.

You are a super villain.

You're well done.

Amongst all the villains, you're the best.

You're super well done for killing all those people.

especially the one in the shower where you just close the curtain and the blood went splat.

I loved it.

It's always nice.

You're super.

It's always nice.

Now here's a choice for you listeners that I've picked for you.

This is the first of three epic tracks I've chosen for you for the show this week.

I hope you enjoy them so they're a little longer than normal but it's my contention that these epic tracks do not outstay their welcome.

This is one from Supergrass's eponymous album Supergrass.

Maybe not one of their best albums.

Kind of the one, was this their third or fourth maybe?

Anyway, it's got a few good tracks on it, and this is really one of Supergrass's best out of any of their albums, for my money.

It's called Far Away.

Wow, that was a session track, listeners, from the John Peel Sessions 1979 Thin Lizzy, with one of their songs.

What's it guys, gone!

Dancing in the moonlight.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC six music.

Is this the greatest radio show in the world?

What?

Yeah, you know there was in the Guardian newspaper yesterday.

It said at the top in big letters Is this the greatest day for new films ever?

I like it when newspapers structure a, you know, a story like that.

Yeah.

Because you can say anything, stick a question mark at the end, and it validates the most preposterous sentences.

Is Joe Cornish the sexiest, cleverest man currently alive?

yeah to which of course the answer would be would be no you know i'm near the top i'm in the top five okay but it would be you know um arrogant to say i was number one a little bit arrogant but still i've said the words yeah i've said the sentence you put you've posed the question yeah it's like that brilliant scene in a not particularly brilliant film how to get ahead in advertising where he points out the use of the word may

in newspapers as well.

They rely on that word very heavily to justify amazing statements.

Yeah, exactly.

We don't even bother with that.

When we talk about Text the Nation, we don't equivocate.

We tell people it's the nation's favorite feature.

Is Text the Nation the greatest feature in the world?

Is it?

Yes.

Is it?

Yes.

No.

Yes, it is.

You know.

Yes.

No.

We're going to be launching Text-A-Nation very shortly, listeners, even though we decided exactly what it's going to be.

No.

The thing is, we've got too many subjects today.

So we've got various things you can text in on.

We've got 50 Cent's House, ways for dealing with noisy people in cinemas.

But one of these subjects will be kind of unfairly flagged

with the Text the Nation jingle.

Yeah, exactly.

Nice bit of unfair flagging.

Hey, if you've got, you know, for online banking, do you do online banking?

Are you talking to me or the listener?

No, you don't do any online banking.

No, I don't trust it.

Oh.

Well, you see, what they give you though, if you're doing a little bit of online banking, is you get like a little security keypad they send you through.

This is with Barclays at least, I don't know about other banks.

But you get a thing that looks like a little mini calculator with a slot for your credit card at the top, or your debit card.

And each time you log on to check out your online banking details, you have to pop the credit card in there, and it asks you to... That wasn't sent to you by Barclays.

That was sent to you by Lambek Shibot.

Whose dad died in a Nigerian gold mining accident, and he's raising funds.

He's taking all your money.

Probably.

Spending it on tato's.

Why does he want potatoes?

Because he's a Latvian potato farmer.

Anyway, I was just wondering if other people had this, or whether it was indeed a scam from... what was his name?

Lembet Potato!

I don't know, I can't remember.

Lembet.

That was his name.

You know, because it seems complicated, but obviously you have to go through these procedures to keep it all secure and everything.

You know, you put your card in there, it asks you to... First of all, you have to put your pin in, then it generates a kind of random number that you have to... You put your pin in.

You pin in.

You're pin in.

Yeah.

Mm.

And, uh, generics a number.

You have to key the number into your, uh, online details and everything.

It takes ages.

I was trying to think of, here's another thing that you could text in for, uh, listeners.

Uh, is what extra security measures could you have?

Right?

We're gonna overload the listeners.

Mmm.

But that's three things now.

Well, they don't have to text in about any of this.

I'm just speculating.

Don't confuse them.

Doesn't matter.

They won't get confused.

What would you have?

What extra security stuff would you have?

In 50 Cent's house?

No.

What?

Come on.

In what?

For banks?

Yeah.

I would have a photocopy of the arse.

That's a good idea, you see.

Scan your arse.

No two are the same.

Very nice.

They could even send out special chairs that have the scanner as part of the seat of the chair.

The security chair?

Yeah, I would just download a woman.

You know, like Kelly Brock.

I thought you were going to say Wookiee.

Download a Wookiee.

Download a Wookiee?

Yeah, little Wookiees.

Like Kelly Brock.

Like Gremlins.

Sent to you in little baskets.

I don't know, what use would they be?

Uh, what, the Wookiees?

Yeah.

What would they do?

I don't know, you're the one in what I thought of the idea.

I was thinking you could just have, well, I was thinking you could just have a person.

You know, you get an online banking thing and they send you a person.

What about this?

Yeah.

In the high street, there's like a room with a counter and a woman or a man behind it.

How about that?

When you go there and you say hello, they say hello and they help you and you smile and chat.

And it's nice and it's the same person every time.

Or one of a couple of people that you know.

What about that?

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, yeah.

Here's the thing.

You could go in there and you could get a gun.

Right?

And if you wanted loads of money, you could just hold the place up.

Get out of the BBC.

Leave the BBC.

Okay, I will do.

Is it time for the top of our sweeper?

I love the top of our sweeper.

Textination!

Text!

Textination!

What if I don't want to?

Textination!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

It's the nation's favourite feature.

Could it be the nation's favourite feature?

Is that how I'm supposed to say it?

Could this feature simply by listening to it make you stronger and live 98 years longer than normals?

Could this feature simply by interacting with it turn you into a muscle man?

Could this feature... I can't do a third one.

No.

I'm having to stop.

Could this feature make you more... potent?

Yes.

Well, that's a good reason for having it then, isn't it?

Yeah.

So, uh, this is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's time for Text the Nation.

Uh, the time of the show when we give you a sort of a question type thing or a topic of, uh, conversation.

A topic?

Are you kidding me?

Why have you suddenly got so excited about me saying the word topic?

Are they your favourite chocky chocky?

Yeah, they've got a hazelnut in every bite there.

You know what?

My mum loves topics.

They're she.

They're so small, but they're powerful.

They're like a dum dum bullet.

Are they smaller than the average bar?

They are smaller than the average bar.

No.

Let's not get sidetracked on chocky bar sizes though.

I'd love a chocky bar right now.

Topics are lovely.

They've got nougat and peanuts.

And the two flavours really offset each other one another.

They've got more peanuts than any other bar.

They've got a hazelnut in every bite.

Topic.

Smooth milk chocolate for your delight.

Topic.

And don't forget the hazelnut in every bite.

Topic.

Anyway, so listen, that's not the point, though.

I got the lyrics wrong.

There's other bars, obviously.

There are.

Are there?

Yeah.

Cool topic?

No.

None of us cool topic.

Here's the text the nation subject.

And obviously, there's a couple more subjects floating around, but we'd like you for the moment to focus on this one.

And this one is a games.

games, but games you play, for instance, if you go and have a meal with some friends, often after the meal, a friend will propose that you play a game.

Very popular in your 20s, very popular for younger people, and we're not necessarily talking about sordid drinking games.

Yeah.

We're talking about ways for a group of people to have fun.

We're not talking about board games.

No.

We're talking about games that you've learned off other people or games that you've made up.

This is like in the weird years, just after you've got bored of drinking yourself senseless and just trawling around all night trying to snows people.

There's something to do while you do that.

A little bit.

Yeah.

But it's when you start going round to other people's houses, isn't it?

And having a bit of sups and then afterwards, instead of watching TV or whatever, you'll sit round and someone will say, let's play the hat game.

Now, this can be really boring.

Yeah.

Some people hate games like this.

They find them an anathema.

Is that a word?

Yeah.

Other people like them, but whether you like them or hate them, we all find ourselves being caught up in them every now and then.

And you always look, it's always a bad idea to resist them too much because then it becomes a big deal.

You just look like a sourpuss.

Exactly.

Everyone rounds on you.

The Hat Game is a game where everyone writes the name of a famous person on lots of pieces of paper.

You fold them up, put them in a hat, you have to pass it round.

Pick it out.

And what do you do?

Do you do you do you mind that?

No, you describe the person without saying their name Yeah, this can be embarrassing because if you don't know who they are sometimes And then you can do it three times you can do it once with with my with using just one word That's the three rounded and then the third time you just do it with a mime exactly other types of games are kind of less civilized than that like we invented a game when we were very stupid called sumo and

Sumo, you mentioned this before, I never remember.

I don't think I played it with Adam, but some friends of mine, what we used to do is get quite overexcited on various inebriants, wrap ourselves in duvets, go to this local park, someone would shout, Sumo is go!

this is pathetic obviously and then we'd run at each other in these big duvets and try and push each other over you see it was wicked was it wicked yeah this must have been when i got a girlfriend this is before kids killed each other for fun you know when the world was innocent that's right

So that's another good after dinner game.

We used to have something to eat and then go and play some sumo.

But what we want to know from you listeners are really, really good games.

The games that you've either made up and find really rewarding or that you find, you know, satisfying and not annoying.

And it would also be interesting to know some of your least favourite games as well.

Yes.

The ones that drive you mad.

The ones that make your heart sink like my wife gets very upset whenever the notion of the book game is... Well, the book game is a posh game that people at universities play where you have to...

What is it?

Well, the opening line.

Yeah, you grab a book at random out of a shelf.

It's a good game.

You grab a book at random out of a shelf and you have to say, OK, everyone, you've got to write down what you think the first sentence of this book is.

That's right.

You've got to guess what the first sentence is.

You've got to try and ape the literary style.

Yeah.

And then somebody reads out all the made up first lines and the real first line.

And you have to guess.

It's a good game.

a good first line.

But it's a bit like a challenge.

Some people really hate to win it all the time.

Did you?

Because you're so good at writing.

I'm so clever.

So clever.

Because you could have written most of those books yourself.

I could, I just couldn't be bothered.

You just couldn't be bothered.

I couldn't be bothered.

So folks, we want to hear your ideas for your favourite games and some of your worst games as well.

Yeah, the text number.

What's the text number, Jude?

Because my computer's just gone. 64046.

6-4-0-4-6.

And the email, if you want to write a slightly longer text, you might want to detail some rules of the game, because I'd like to try playing some of these, you know?

Absolutely.

I'd like to add them to my arsenal.

Yeah.

Is that private?

You can email adamandjoe.sixmusic at bbc.co.uk Go on, give it a try.

It won't hurt.

It might be fun.

I'm thinking about your arsenal.

Now look, Joe's picked out this next song for you listeners.

Yeah, this is Woodcat, isn't it?

Oh yeah, this is by tongue.

This is, you know, folky fun.

Here it is.

Fun, fun, fun.

The Enduri and the Blockheads with what a waste is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music, our producer, the lovely Jude Adam.

Very talented lady if you ever need any producing.

She's expensive but she's really good.

She was saying that Phil Jupiter stands in for The Enduri now in their live shows.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, they did a sort of gala tour a while back where various guests stood in for the late great Ian Dury, including people like Robbie Williams and stuff.

And apparently their dupe was the best.

He was the best.

And Mark Lamar, I think, was one of them as well.

Really?

Lots of people, yeah.

Very strange.

So listen, listeners and Adam, you're fans of The Beatles.

Who?

The Beatles?

Are they like the Arctic Monkeys?

Yeah, I love them.

But younger.

Yeah, I like them.

They've given their music to a new film that's coming out on DVD, I think, on Monday.

It's called Across the Universe.

Have you heard of this thing?

Yes, I have.

It's directed by a woman called Julie Taymor.

She directed The Lion King.

She's a very famous and brilliant theatre director.

And she's made this film which uses a lot of the Beatles music.

It's a kind of a narrative, musical kind of thing.

But it's very controversial.

Why?

Some people say that it's wickedy sticks.

Other people say that it's a big old pile of old Stephen's dogplots.

It's really dividing people.

Some people reckon, you know, literally it's a life-changing, miraculous experience.

Who reckons that?

Some guy on the internet.

Drunkies.

No.

So I watched some of it last night.

I had to go to bed early.

I didn't make it through the whole thing.

But I thought it was, you know, pretty good.

Right.

It's not enormously successful.

But let me give you a little illustration of the kind of mental problems you might have while watching this film.

Across the universe any famous people in the film not really no, which is a good I don't mind that I prefer my films with with strangers cuz then I believe them I don't know man.

I love famous people you do.

Well, they're so clever and good-looking So what the film does it is it creates a story?

And then the story happens to hit sort of plot points that match with Beatles songs plot points plot points.

Yeah.

That match with Beatles songs.

Do you get the idea?

I do.

It's a bit like Mamma Mia or one of those West End musicals where they construct a story out of existing songs.

Well, there were a lot of narratives in Beatles songs, of course, so at one point they bump into Helena Rigby.

That's right.

Do they?

Well, I didn't get to that bit.

Oh, okay.

But the lead guy in this film is called Jude.

Yeah, so there you go, Jude Adam.

So there's a scene where he's met his dad, his estranged father who he's never met before.

He's just suddenly turned off on this campus where his estranged dad works.

The kid's from Liverpool, the dad is American.

The dad goes, listen kid, the kid goes, it's Jude, you know?

And then the dad goes, well Jude,

So the problem is, uh, lines of dialogue keep sounding like Beatles songs that never were.

Uh-huh.

Well, Jude.

Um, you know, it's weird like that.

Whenever, whenever anybody says Jude in it, you think they're gonna start singing a, singing a song.

The mum at one point says, more stuffing, Jude.

Would that be a good Beatles song?

Uh-huh.

Would it?

More stuffing, Jude!

That would be one of Ringo's ones.

And then they try and shoehorn the names of other songs into scenes.

So there's a scene where this kid before the dad bit, he's working at a mine, he collects his paycheck and, uh...

is leaving the mine.

He's handing in his notice.

The guy behind the desk says, oh, you're handing in your notice, are you?

I felt the same at your age.

I told myself, when I'm 64, I'll be long gone from this place.

And you're thinking, that's not how it goes.

Isn't it?

No.

Well, no, that's... When I've long gone from this place, it's not a line.

No, but when I'm 64... Yes, it is.

That's the point.

Exactly.

Is the bit that you're supposed to go... Right.

And think, oh, that's clever.

But then do they... I don't understand.

Do they break into song?

How do the songs get woven?

They do break into song.

Yeah, they just suddenly break into song.

Oh.

Pretty cleverly.

Right.

It's cleverly done.

It's one of those good combinations of, you know, kind of heroic experimentation and a bit of success and a bit of failure.

Yeah.

But it's a weird technique because just random lines that I'm not very good at the Beatles.

I don't know a lot of the names of the Beatles songs.

So I kept thinking that lines of dialogue were maybe songs.

Oh, I see.

Like is there a is there a song called I've ironed your best shirts?

Is that a Beatles song?

Not that I'm aware of.

unless it's a really obscure one.

And then I started to think of how you could do this with, you know, with other song titles.

Yeah.

Like, you could have a scene, uh, with, not with Beatles songs, but, you know, with general pop songs in general.

You could have a scene where policemen are discussing a case.

Uh, a policeman says to the other policeman, yeah, she's five foot four, Caucasian, European, female.

You know?

Then they start singing the Stranglers.

Bit of Stranglers.

Yeah?

Is that a good idea?

That's a very good idea.

Thank you.

I mean, you could go to town, couldn't you?

I mean, you've got the whole, all the narratives contained in the amazing universe of pop.

Yeah.

That's the backbone of many an episode of a really very bad TV show, surely.

It's worth seeing if you're into music.

And it's called what?

It's called Across the Universe.

I'm not saying it's good, but it's a thing to see.

It certainly is.

It's moving, and you can see it.

I didn't say it was moving.

Oh, the people move.

Yeah.

There's actually movement in it.

Yeah, it's not like a still.

No, that's all I meant.

Which is always more fun, isn't it?

Yeah.

Boy, that sounds amazing.

Now, speaking of great music, here's a new exciting young band on the scene, and they're all young ladies.

Is that right?

All of them?

Or is there some just... Some of them are young ladies.

You know, it's like a scene.

And they're called Ting Tings.

Crazy.

And this is called Great DJ.

There you go, that's Ting Tings with Great DJ's, uh, Great DJ.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Time now for the news, read by Chris and Andre.

Text-a-nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-a-nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

So is he insane in the membrane or in the brain?

Which is it?

Is he insane in both the membrane and the brain?

Well, the brain has membrane, doesn't it?

Oh, does it?

So they're one in the same things.

I would say membrane is a subsection of the brain.

Therefore, he's just going deeper into the subject.

So he's saying in a broad context, I'm insane in the brain, but looking deeply within the brain, I'm also insane in the membranes of that brain.

On a macro level.

So he's not talking about just a mucus membrane in his mouth?

Maybe he is.

Right.

Maybe he's just got mad snot stuff to be relied on.

Maybe he's one of those awful, awful people that does big spits on the pavement.

Giant oysters.

Someone spat on my car window that day.

It was revolting.

On your car window.

Yeah.

Not while you were in the car.

I sat in the car, looked to my right, expecting to see a beautiful street scene.

It was like a huge translucent squid had attached itself to my face.

You were in the car.

No, not while I was in the car.

It was just there.

Oh, I see.

I didn't see them do it.

That would have been... If I could find that person, I'd bend them over my knee and give them a good spanking.

Good rogering.

Yeah.

Steady on, Adam Buxton.

Sorry.

I would certainly not do that.

That's always what I think though.

I'm revolting.

Sorry, that is revolting.

Get out of the BBC.

Apologies.

Now, it's text the nation time.

Of course, it's the nation's favorite feature.

Yeah.

This week, we're asking you to send in your either invented or reliable after Din Dins games.

Yeah.

I'm excited about this because this is a this is the kind of text the nation that we can actually educate people.

Yeah.

Plus, it's a practical thing.

We can apply this knowledge.

Yeah.

You and I are pro games anyway.

We love a good game, you know.

Yeah.

Are you going to be in a situation this weekend where you might be able to play some games?

No.

No, I might be.

Might you?

You're having a little sociable weekend.

Well, you can employ one of these then.

Yeah.

Here we go.

Are you ready?

Go on then.

All right.

Hello chaps.

This is from Neil in Cheltenham.

We used to play the rope game.

On the way home from pubs, when we were really too young to get into the pubs, we'd stand on opposite sides of the road, playing tug-of-wars with an imaginary piece of rope, and see if we could stop cars in their tracks.

As they would slow down and go past, we'd make out that we were being dragged behind.

Oh, those halcyon days.

That's a good game.

Is that a game?

It's kind of a game, isn't it?

It doesn't have a winner or a loser.

It might be dangerous.

If you play it too convincingly, it's dangerous, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Because someone could slow down, someone could pile right into the back of the car that slowed down.

Yeah, that could be dangerous, but it still quite sounds quite fun.

Carnage.

Okay, here's one from Claire in London.

Best game, box factor.

Take one empty cereal box.

Stand it on the floor.

Take turns to pick it up with your mouth.

Your knees and hands can't touch the floor.

When all is done,

tear off one inch of box and repeat until the box has vanished.

Jude is nodding.

So wha- wha- is that fun?

So you just make the box smaller and smaller and you can only pick it up with your teeth, is that right?

Wasn't there a variation on that where you are allowed to use your elbows or something, or your knees?

No, I'm insane.

Here's one that I shouldn't read out.

There's the one where you pass the orange and you have to do it just with your chin, you know what I mean?

Yes.

You clamp the orange between your chin and your chest.

That's for children, though, isn't it?

It's fun if you're a grown-up person as well.

Is it?

Because you get a little bit of titillation, you know, contact there.

Oh, I see.

It's nice.

Yeah.

It's like past the ice cube, but not quite so intimate.

Right.

You know, what have you got there?

A text?

Come on then.

Dear Adam and Jo, here's one that I don't think we should encourage.

Take a cigarette paper, stick it to your nose, set light to it, then blow it out.

Pass it on to the next person in the group.

This is a game of skill and daring who will manage to light the smallest bit of cigarette paper without burning their eyebrows off.

Well that's dangerous.

Now we should not encourage that.

That's dangerous plus.

Didn't you hear in the news they're going to have warnings on the cigarette papers now?

It's true, probably because of that game.

Exactly.

Here's another one.

This is from Sarah in Godalming.

After a sufficient amount of drinking we used to recreate the gladiator wall game along a hallway or narrow path and use household appliances such as a hoover, ironing board, chair or large bin to use to block the person from getting through the wall of people.

So what is that game?

I don't remember that bit.

They're bringing Gladiator back, so we'll be reminded, but I think it's sort of lots of people in a row and you have to try and run through them.

Oh, you mean that TV show?

I was thinking there was like a scene in the film for Ridley Scott film.

No, that would involve going to a zoo and jumping into the tiger enclosure with a dustbin lid.

Yeah, that's a bad idea.

None of the games they play in the Ridley Scott film seem that much fun for after dinner.

No.

We've had lots more in, but I haven't printed them out yet.

So we'll get to them in a second, but keep them coming in, please.

We appreciate all your texts and emails as ever.

And now it's time for this new Nick Cave song with the bad seeds.

This is a good one.

Dig Lazarus, dig.

That's, that's kind of like a song poem, isn't it?

He's, he's got there.

It's when, you know, you've got a groove going and you think, well...

It's a good groove, but I don't know what to do with the groove, so I'll do a sort of song poem on top.

It's not exactly rapping, it's just kind of reading out a little short story.

A bit like Part Life by Blur, that's another similar one in the genre.

Anyway, that was Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds with, uh, Bad Seeds with Dig Lazarus Dig.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

We're in the midst of Text the Nation, ladies and gentlemen.

We're asking you to get in touch with us and suggest games that we can add to our games arsenal, particularly if they're appropriate for kind of, uh, you know, after dinner situations.

They can be silly as well.

I like to read invented games.

Right.

Yeah?

It's hard inventing games, man.

Have you ever invented a game?

Uh, I tried to make some board games when I was a kid.

Yeah.

I'd need to think a bit harder to try and remember them.

I think everyone tries to make a board game, don't they?

Right.

At some stage in their life.

And then later I graduated onto trying to make a vending machine.

Wow.

I was obsessed with vending machines.

Everyone dreams of making a vending machine.

Yeah, that didn't go so well.

How did you?

Then I tried to, I actually tried to make a video game.

Yeah.

Just out of cardboard remember that time when video games weren't you didn't plug them into the telly but it would just be a sort of scrolling piece of See-through plastic with lights behind it and a racing car sort of on a stick.

Do you remember that?

Tell me that's not a video game?

No, but but there was a time before you know before so I tried to make one of those that's how did it go didn't go very well that well

That's a shame, man.

You should apply yourself.

I should try again.

Next time you get a little time when you're happy.

I'd be a bit retrograde.

No, come on.

That's time well spent.

Anyway, none of those games could be any worse than the Scooby-Doo game that I got the other day for my children.

Oh my lordy.

It's a big board game and you get like a wind-up or electric ghost.

And you've got like a long wibbly-wobbly track that goes around the Lord ghosts And then you so you it's basically like snakes and ladders you're playing right you going around the wibbly-wobbly Track, and then you start the electric ghost going oh

halfway around the track and you've got to outrun the ghost.

If he catches you, then you're dead.

But it's fraught with all kinds of problems because the ghost gets stuck and he falls over and it's rubbish.

Sounds rubbish.

Do you want to hear some more games that have been sent in by listeners?

Yeah, good games.

This is from Samantha.

My brother and I used to play a game called Floppy Bodies.

When we were going on a trip in the car, we had to pretend we had no bones in our bodies.

so that every time the car went round a corner we flopped all over the place landing on the floor each other the front seats wherever it was brilliant that sounds dangerous as well Samantha but good as well floppy bodies you wouldn't want to play while you're actually driving well it would be hard not to because the game you know hinges on the card going around corners and stuff yeah i know hinges around the motion fine for the passengers i'm saying not for the actual person driving i think the tip is to play it in the back seat right not if you're

in the passenger seat.

Here's another good one, a lady called Carmel in Horsham.

An old favourite of ours was Cracker Wacker.

You all had to tape cream crackers to your head, which was a bit of a challenge and took some work on techniques.

Then you would bash each other with sticks of celery, the winner destroying all the other people's cream crackers.

That's nice, it's healthy too.

It's pretty good, isn't it?

Yeah, it's good and nutritious.

Nice bit to be hit in the face with a piece of celery.

Then you can have the celery after.

Crumbs cascading everywhere, giggling.

I'd do it nude.

I don't know why, it just seems like something nudists might do.

There's very few games that aren't improved by being naked.

By being nude.

Yeah.

Here's another one from David in Ealing.

Everyone leans back.

So this is unlike the cracker one, you don't stick these to your face.

He's saying you lean back and you balance an after eight mint on your forehead.

That's good.

You know, dinner parties after eight mints, he's really thinking about the details.

You have to eat the sweet without touching it with your hands, which basically entails scrunching your face up and gurning to encourage it to slip towards your mouth, smearing chocolate all down your face as it goes.

The first person to eat their after eight wins, but really,

Everyone's a winner.

That's a good.

That is, that is a good, isn't it?

That is a good.

That's a good.

That's, I can imagine myself playing that on my own.

You know what, you could, you could even use it as an advert.

Yeah.

Have like a nauseating group of 20-somethings in Shoreditch sat around playing that.

Like, didn't they have, what was, oh yeah, it was the, it was the Pringles or the, um, one of those wonky-shaped crisps, you know?

They had an advert that was all about them sort of playing games based on the chips.

Did I imagine this?

Come on.

Well, I wasn't listening.

Say it again.

There was an advert with annoying young people playing games with crisps.

You know, like... Oh, possibly a Pringles one, maybe.

That is all Pringles.

Maybe, yeah.

Possibly.

But that's a good game.

I like that kind of thing.

The mint one.

The after eight one.

I'd say that's the best we've had so far.

That's a nice game.

Yeah, I'm going to keep the emails coming in, please, listeners.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Or what is it?

64046.

We're looking for the best game you've either made up or played, you know, and had a good time with.

Now, fire off my next choice right now, Jude, because this is a long one, listeners.

I've picked out a few epics for you today, folks.

before we heard Supergrass with Far Away.

This is my second epic of the day, so that's why I'm kind of speaking over the top of it, otherwise it'll go on much too long.

But this is Boards of Canada, with a track called Happy Cycling, which I think is an extra track on their seminal 1998 LP, uh, Music Has the Right Children.

Is it 98 or 99?

I think it was...

Just admit you don't know.

98.

It's cleaner for everybody.

It was 98.

It's an amazing track and it unfolds beautifully slowly and then it kind of picks up this rhythm, gets going and then there's a sort of wonderful release towards the end, the last couple of minutes, sort of blossoms into this whole other thing.

It's lovely, so enjoy.

It's a lovely relaxing track for you.

Happy cycling by Boards of Canada.

That's Boards of Canada with Happy Cycling.

That's a little epic that I reckon you can handle hearing over and over, you know?

Because some epics, they're great on the first listen.

Your Bohemian Rhapsodies, your Freebirds, you know, your Stairway to Heavens.

Great songs, not taking anything away from them, but it's a mistake to put them on a compilation.

That's all I'm saying.

However, not a mistake to stick a little bit of Happy Cycling by Boards of Canada on there.

That's what I reckon anyway.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC's 6 Music.

That's the animals with We Gotta Get Outta This Place!

Now it's time for the nation's favourite feature!

Text-a-nation!

Text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Surely only a matter of time before we get some kind of award for thinking up a feature like this, don't you reckon?

I know.

We're long overdue an award.

We only ever got one.

Yeah.

And it was rigged as well, I think, wasn't it?

It was rigged.

All awards are rigged.

Yeah.

It's alright.

Can't they be rigged in our favour?

No.

Oh, okay.

No, they can't.

Fair enough.

We are asking you listeners to send in your favourite games that you like playing, you know?

Like, mainly sort of grown-up games, but it doesn't matter if they're a little ridiculous as well.

Yeah, I had a really good one printed out, but I've lost it.

But anyway, here are some more.

I'll build up to it.

Oh no, there it is.

There it is.

We'll build up to that one.

Here's one from Christian, spelled with a K. Me and my sister used to play a game where one of us would pretend to be a stone and the other one would fall over it.

Mm-hmm.

And my friend Ashley used to, uh, and my friend Ashley used to play seats.

So wait, wait, wait.

Yeah.

That was it?

That was the game?

Well, these are childhood games.

We're building up to it.

It gets a bit better, stroke-wise.

Okay.

My friend Ashley used to play seats where her and her sister used to pretend to be different kinds of seats and sit on each other.

I remember that.

I played that game, too.

That's a fun game.

I've never played that game.

What would you be?

Like a postopedic stool?

I don't think it's so important, uh,

Well, how many different types of chair can there be?

Well, you can be a big comfy armchair if you hold up your arms and spread out your legs a little bit.

Is that like a sexy game?

Not really, and you can make it a sexy game, obviously.

That's why I said before, all of these games can be made sexy very easily.

I might be a seat with an uncomfortable nub.

Well, I like... what now?

Anyway, carry on.

That's not really a game, is it?

But I like the idea of people being seats.

That's very odd.

Richard Harrison sends in, well, what was that noise?

Sounds like a howling dog.

He says, competition jigsaw.

You and your opponent sit on opposite sides of the table, laying out all the jigsaw pieces of a jigsaw on the table.

When the game starts, you race to put the pieces together.

You can't steal pieces.

The winner is the person who's made most of the jigsaw by the time you reach stalemate.

Speed jigsaw.

Yeah?

Like it.

Well, again, a lot of games can be improved if you just play a speed version.

That's right.

We used to play Speed Connect 4, didn't we?

Connect 4, yeah.

That's a good game, man!

I claim to be able to beat anybody in the world at Connect 4.

At Connect 4?

Yeah.

I don't boast many things in my life.

Can you do it online?

I bet you can, can't you?

Yeah, you can, but you don't want to play against a computer.

No, but you can't psych them out in ways that I use.

Surely you could play other people though, surely online.

I bet you could.

I don't think it's respected really as a game to have that.

I'm trying to wheedle out of it now.

No, but I throw down the gauntlet.

If anybody out there thinks they can beat me at Connect 4, we come to the studio and email us.

I'll take you on.

That's a good challenge.

We can do this with you.

This is the kind of thing.

And if I don't beat you in the first game, I'll beat you in best of three.

Okay, you can't qualify like that.

Come on.

Just did.

We should do that, man.

And then we could film it and make a little podcast out of it.

That's what podcasts will make for.

If you reckon you're good at that kind of lane.

Connect 4.

Challenge Cornish.

Speed Connect 4.

I'm telling you, listeners, it's really good fun.

And basically, you have to do it.

I'm not playing

speed though you have to know I'm not saying you have to but if you do play speed connect for the rule is you have to play immediately like as soon as the other person there's no thinking time yeah you know as soon as their chip hits that hits the tray exactly you've got to thrust your one in the tray the thing the little barrier okay here's another one this is from a professor weakton not sure that's a real name and this is an irresponsible game a great game

For the end of a restaurant meal is food ping.

All leftovers are put on one plate.

Then you use your fork to ping a small amount over your shoulder.

Points are awarded depending on who or what you hit.

And you're out if someone realizes it was you.

I've only ever been thrown out of a restaurant once for this game because a noob to the group accidentally pinged mashed potato into a waiter's face.

No, you can't play that kind of thing at a restaurant.

But since we'd finished the meal, it was basically a saving of over a hundred pounds.

Yeah.

Because they didn't have the pay.

They were just chucked out.

That's quite good.

And it was my favorite one.

My favorite one is, yeah, beat the security light.

Hi guys, just thought of another game we used to play at a friend's house after dinner parties.

They had a long garden.

We used to take it in turns to try and get from one end of the garden to the other without setting off the security light.

That's from Chris Prince.

Chris, I did a very similar thing when we rented a place in Greece.

It had a staircase and it had security lights on the stairs.

And pretty much the first entire two nights we spent.

stealthily creeping amazingly slowly up the stairs to see who could get the highest without activating the security light.

Right.

Because it's brilliant.

You feel like you're in Mission Impossible.

Exactly.

Because if you move slowly enough, you won't activate the light.

Like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment.

Exactly.

But if you slip or make a sudden movement, the light goes off.

I've never had more fun in my life.

I don't think.

I can imagine.

That's a brilliant one.

That sounds very good.

Keep them coming in.

Now here's some music from someone I saw on Jonathan Ross's program last night, and I wasn't really aware of Duffy before, were you?

Uh, we've played Duffy on this show before many times, so yes I was.

I didn't realize she was so young.

What is she, like, 19 or 20 or something?

Very young indeed.

Uh, but she's got a very good voice.

This is called Mercy, uh, by Duffy.

There you go, that's Duffy with Mercy.

That's what it's all about, innit?

It's all her sixties, all her chanteurs thing, innit?

Gotta be like, all like that.

That is what's going down apparently.

Adele and Winehouse and a little bit of Duffy there.

It's all the stuff in it.

It's good, I like it.

Yeah, do you enjoy that one?

Well, I like a person who can sing.

Someone who can hold a note.

I like people who can't sing.

Do you?

I genuinely do.

Yeah, yeah.

Some of my favourite singers are people that just muddle through who've got crappy voices.

Well there's a strange approach to singing isn't there in the world because of all this X Factor business where being able to hit a note amazingly accurately then warble is seen as the greatest type of singing but often great singers are slightly off.

Yeah.

Aren't they?

Or there's something in their voice a bit wrong or rough or you know very that will they bend the notes very very slightly.

Well, you have to perform a little bit more, like you have to emote in more unusual ways, do you know what I'm saying?

I'm too tired.

If you've got, uh, not the best voice in the world, you have to make up for it in other ways.

Yep.

By, it's true, putting some weird inflections in there.

So the Marky Smiths of the world, who aren't really crooners,

They've got something, the actual tambre, and the quality of their voice in itself is nice.

Yeah, you turn a kind of a disability into an asset, like we were talking about the other week.

But talking of having an amazing voice, the greatest male soul voice of all time is widely considered to be Marvin Gaye.

uh you know that guy yeah i thought you were gonna say um lamar lamar no i wasn't gonna say lamar okay um but marvin gay's seminal 1978 album here my dear has just been uh re-released again uh again um yeah it's been remixed and not remixed but all remastered

And it's also got a second CD where they've got hold of the original tracks, the original 8, 16, whatever he recorded it on.

And they've got guest producers like Questlove and Prince Paul to kind of remix the original tracks, not adding anything new, but just resetting all the volumes and things.

And there's some pretty interesting results.

I'm never quite sure about those kinds of albums.

You've probably got some of your favourite bands who, like the Beach Boys, have they done that kind of thing with the Beach Boys in the past?

The Beatles, I'm sure they must have done.

And the results are never as good as the original.

They always make you think, God, the original mix of that was absolutely sublime.

But sometimes they, you know, you can pick up really interesting little details that you didn't notice the first time round.

Anyway, here, my dear, is Marvin Gaye's most interesting and kind of nakedly emotional album.

He wrote it as a settlement in his divorce, didn't he?

He married Berry Gordy's daughter Anna Gordy when he was 20 and she was 37.

He then regretted it.

They divorced.

He met a much younger girl, like a 17-year-old girl.

they divorced and in settlement instead of paying her money he recorded this album which is a sort of brutally honest document of their divorce proceedings and also you know what it's like to fall out of love with someone and it's amazing it's the kind of album you can listen to with an awareness of what actually happened in his life

and it's sort of like the greatest soul musical never staged kind of thing and this is a track from it this is one of the more upbeat tracks this is not a remixed version no no this is the original version but it's been remastered so it's all sounding all sparkly and digital this is an upbeat track from here my dear a kind of a track about him meeting this new 17 year old girl and this is called falling in love again

There we go, Marvin Gaye with Fallen in Love again from here, my dear, that's just been reissued.

My two favourite things about that track, the alto saxophone, not a big fan of saxophones, but that's got the most lovely saxophone sound of all time in my CD collection.

It's nice and nice and drained.

Second favourite thing is that all through it he's going, poo poo, poopy doo doo, poo poo, doopy doo doo, exposing his doo-wop roots there and his love of...

No, Adam.

No.

Why do you have to bring everything into the lavatory?

I don't know, just because... You love the lavatory.

I love it there.

It's great, I've got a nice one.

Ah, you know, who doesn't love the lavatory?

Come on.

Hey, do you like these two things?

Do you like trails?

I love trails.

Do you like sport?

Uh, it would take a really snazzily produced trail to make me interested in sports.

Let's see how this one goes, then.

There you go.

How'd you feel about that?

See, the one thing I didn't mention, of course, was relief.

That was the missing part of the puzzle.

Yeah, that's not sport.

That's helping people.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's different.

Helping people via sport.

That's the acceptable form of sport.

Now, what would you do in this situation that I was in earlier this week, Joe Cornish?

I was walking along Brixton Road and I saw a mother pushing a pram with her teenage daughter tagging along beside her.

She's got a little toddler in the pram.

The teenage daughter finishes a carton of juice, right?

And then, in full view of her, Ma lobs it over the shoulder.

over her shoulder and it lands on the pavement there.

And then she just walks on.

Okay?

And it really made me feel very depressed.

And what's more, there was a bin about two feet away from this ghost.

Was she trying to get it in the bin?

No.

No, there was no question.

In fact, she did it with a real flourish.

Did the mother see this?

The mother saw it, yeah.

Didn't care.

Didn't bat an eyelid.

What did you do?

Absolutely nothing.

Wow.

You're brave.

I'm a real kind of genius man, aren't I?

And it made me feel sick because not only was it, uh, it was so depressing just to see her doing that, you know, but it was obviously very depressing that I chickened out of doing anything.

I just couldn't get it together because the fact that it was her mum complicated it, you know what I mean?

Like I didn't feel as if I wanted to cause embarrassment to her mum.

Don't you tell me out of

bring up my child.

Exactly.

That would have been what I would have got.

The baby could have been carrying a knife.

I could have got one in the knees there.

But no, but you know what I'm saying?

What would you have done?

Because the thing to have done obviously would have been to go up to the daughter and not be aggressive about it, but just pick up the cart and say, you know, there's a bin there.

My usual tactic is, excuse me, you drop this.

right yeah and hand it to them and hand it to them how does that go down usually usually fight a little bit of a fight yeah scuffle scuffle i don't believe you actually do that to anyone who looked in any way scary though would you know i feel sorry for people who do that because you know their attitude to litter is probably permeates their entire attitude to life yeah and they'll struggle right you know if that you've got to look after the details in the world that's true pay attention to the little things and the big things take care of themselves you know

So her punishment will be to, you know, to live life like a piece of trash.

Right.

She'll be treated like a piece of trash.

Yeah, but what if she's like 50 cent and it all just works out for her and she ends up living in a giant mansion.

He puts his stuff in the bin.

Does he?

He's very conscientious, yeah.

I bet you he does as well.

He does.

I'm sure he does.

That's rule one.

He keeps the hood clean.

I felt like such a loser walking away from that.

I didn't even pick it up.

I didn't even go out and pick it up.

So I'm worse than she is.

You respect her.

I'm worse.

You're worse.

I hate you.

Thank you.

You're scum.

I am scum.

Here's some Niles Barkley for you.

That's exhausting.

I'm exhausted.

That was run by Gnarls Barkley.

Gnarls, is that new Gnarls?

New Gnarls.

They were an outfit that I thought would probably Peter.

I have to be honest with you.

I thought after a massive hit like that, you got to do some Petering, because you would have absolutely shot your bolt with crazy skins.

Skinned.

Ooh, the youth drama.

I'm just keeping this program hip.

Skinned.

Okay, just by saying skinned.

Just by saying skinned.

Yeah.

I'm working on an idea for a program.

It's either gonna be called junk, because that refers to drugs and also people's genitals.

Yeah.

Does it?

All the kids.

That's what skins, you know, skins, your skin, skins, rollers, skin.

Yeah.

That's all the kids care about, sex and drugs.

Skinheads.

So junk.

I might just do a show called, called Bits.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's already a show, wasn't it?

Like a computer show.

That was a computer show.

Have you noticed Skins is sponsored by the British School of Motoring?

I can't say the word British.

Have you noticed that?

Yeah, no, I never noticed that.

It's not really the sexy cherry on the sexy cake, is it?

You know, you spend millions of pounds on an advertising campaign to make everyone look sexy and then... Sponsored by the British School of Motoring.

Plus the fact that they've got irresponsible motoring in that programme as well.

It's disgusting.

We'll talk about that further in a second.

But first, here's the news read by...

Adam, quickly!

A newsman!

That's Ben Falls!

With the five?

I think so, yeah.

Ben Falls Five with Rockin' the Suburbs is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

Right now it's time... for... Text-a-nation!

Text!

Text-a-nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text-a-nation!

But I'm using email!

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

Just gonna wrap this mother up right now real quick for you.

Yes.

Thanks a lot everyone.

What is sent in emails and texts and all that, you know, some of them are very long and complicated.

It's often, you know, tricky to read them and, you know, get sleepy midway through.

That's right.

So here are some of the simpler ones.

Here's a good one that is a good one.

You know, that's sort of a good one.

I love it when that happens.

Yeah, those good ones.

It's from Stephen Cowie.

He says, in our old student house we used to play a game, we never came up with a name for it, where we had to get from one part of the house to another, or around a whole room, without touching the floor at all.

Mmm, I remember playing that game.

That's a brilliant game, it's best played when you're little.

Yeah.

Because then you don't break things, but can also be played when you're large.

It's not such a good after dinner game, I would say.

I don't know, man.

You reckon?

Yeah, you know, get crazy.

Break the rules.

Maybe I will.

This would generally involve jumping from one piece of furniture to the next, or some shimmying along corridors with your back pressed against one wall and your feet against the opposite wall.

Yes.

What a pair of clean socks for this.

Absolutely.

There's perhaps no better way of making you feel like your favourite action movie star than a daring leap of faith from the kitchen table onto the side of the fridge.

There's also no other, uh, you know, better way for smacking your forehead really bad.

Dangerous, very dangerous.

Breaking a piece of antique furniture.

Yeah.

These are just the caveats.

It's important to do caveats when you work at the castle.

Exactly.

Um, gotta be legally covered.

Here's another one from Guido and Genevieve.

Wow.

That's a good couple of names though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you think they're boyfriend and girlfriend?

I hope so.

They're probably attracted to each other because of their names, I would have thought.

Well, because they both begin with a G. Well, Guido, if you call Guido or if you call Genevieve, you're not going to want to go out with someone called Pete or Tammy, are you?

You're right.

They suggest quite a good game which is

Does it have a name?

Let's have a look.

You've got to choose between two very unpleasant things.

That's a good game, isn't it?

Like, would you rather... The illustrations they give for this are rather lavatorial, so I won't read them out.

But it's usually a choice between two.

Like, would you rather die of heat or cold?

Right.

It's a classic one.

You can debate that for hours.

Would you rather have Amy Winehouse living in your cellar?

Yeah.

And coming into your house at night and having parties or Pete Doherty living in your attic and coming in your house at night and having parties.

Yeah.

Well, it's a bit like the character from Extras.

She's always playing that game with Ricky.

Really?

Yeah.

I haven't seen that show.

Here's another one.

It's good from Bobster Brown He says his family have invented a game.

They play at Christmas called pass the sprout after dinner Someone gets a sprout you pass it round.

It's like a really crappy version of pass the parcel You remove a leaf when it's passed to you

That's nature's gift, isn't it?

That's the end.

But what do you get in the middle?

Just a really nutritious snack?

Uh, you get a, um... The taste slightly of metal.

Like a little nut in there.

You don't even get a nut, do you, with a sprout?

Here's a good one to be played if you work in a pub.

It's called Blackboard Caricature Touch Relay from Pete Wynn.

It can be played by three or more bar staff.

On the blackboard behind the bar, I draw a caricature of someone in the bar, a punter, a customer.

The other staff must guess who that person is.

Then they make their way into the public area of the bar and attempt to touch that person without them realizing.

If they get caught, they have to skulk off embarrassed and come up with an excuse.

If they get the right person, they get to choose the next person.

That's a nice little variation on a game that we used to play, of course, which is called the touching game.

The touching game.

How did that go?

Well, we used to just go out and you'd point to someone in the street and say, you've got to touch them.

So then you would go over and you'd just try and make physical contact with them without them noticing.

That can be fun.

It is a good fun game.

Touch them lightly on the back of the coat.

Yeah.

But if you put too much pressure, you're in trouble.

And then we had a friend, our friend Zach always used to be much more daring than, than everybody else.

And he would sort of go up and touch them on the front of, uh, you know, like on their front rather than the obvious thing is to go and touch their back or whatever.

But he would go up and just touch their arm or their face.

Sometimes it was frightening watching him do it.

Cause he just thought, no, that's going to kick off.

He's cool.

And here's finally one that's quite striking.

No, it's from Helen.

She says that her family make up games and they're embarrassing and she doesn't really like playing them.

And she's saying the worst one, I'm paraphrasing here, is called spoons.

It's a variation on blind man's buff only with spoons.

She's forced to play it every Christmas when she was little.

Everyone sits in a big embarrassing circle.

One person gets blindfolded and has to feel people to guess who they are, but using only the back of two large spoons.

How could that possibly work?

Her next sentence is absolutely impossible.

Of course it's impossible.

I just like the thought of Helen's family sitting round one of them blindfolded and sewing a couple of spoons.

It's like some appalling biblical parable or something.

Yeah.

There's nothing appalling about biblical parables.

I don't know why I used that word.

No.

Well, you didn't imply that there was.

Jesus's ace.

You were just talking about one of the appalling ones.

Yeah.

So that's it for Text the Nation.

Thanks very much to everybody who texted in.

Sorry I didn't get my head round some of the more, you know, cerebral longer ones, but Adam and I will be taking them off and publishing them in a book and making lots of money.

Jesus is ace.

What do you think is gonna happen to you if someone feels that you've implied that you might not be ace?

But if all that stuff's true, we could be in trouble.

He would forgive you.

Would he then?

As Bill Hicks points out, yeah.

Now, here's A-Punk with... No, no, Vampire Weekend.

What is my problem with A-Punk?

That's Vampire Weekend with A-Punk.

Is that the latest thing?

Is that riding high in the charts?

Gotta be.

It's riding high in the cool charts.

In the cool charts.

No, absolutely.

That's an important fact.

Gotta keep the cool chart, news, uh... Be into them now because in a couple of weeks they'll be yesterday.

You reckon?

Yeah.

They might keep it on the boil though, like the monkeys, the Arctic monkeys.

You never know.

Well, it's important to hedge your bets.

Ah, I reckon they've got the staying power, man.

Um, now, what was I, uh, what was I gonna say?

Not being serious, by the way.

What?

About, you know, the night, you know, for two weeks.

Yeah, no, no.

It's just you were being quite serious there.

I know, they're in it for the long haul, man.

Yeah.

Um, so you're shuffling your papers like a newsreader.

That's because it's almost the end of our bulletin listeners.

Nice shuffle papers.

It is nice, makes you feel grown up, doesn't it?

You never watch Nevermind the Buzzcocks, do you?

No, no, no, no.

You're missing out, man.

Really?

It's really funny.

It's really properly funny.

Like, maybe I'm just getting older, I don't know, and I'm growing into these things, but Harry Hill's TV burp and Nevermind the Buzzcocks, that's like proper belly laugh city, man.

It's really amazing.

I'd sort of forgotten what it was like to watch a comedy show and really enjoy it.

But those, uh, shows are like pure, unadulterated pleasure.

Simon Amstel's on top of his game, and it's always a good show.

But Jamelia was on last week.

You've got a bit of a thing for her.

I've forgotten that I had one.

She's sexy.

And she's so impossibly.

She's got the legs, and this body balance.

Well, arms coming out the sides.

And the head whole area circular thing on the balanced on the top all the bits in the right place features on it Good features nice.

She's got extras brilliant extras bottom.

I just love her and she seems like a nice person as well and Obviously talented.

Although I don't really know much about music.

She's good though, right?

What was her big hit didn't don't don't know come on.

We must know six music

Oh, dear.

None of us have got a clue.

Well, you needn't have brought it up.

Well, I was just talking about it, but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Because it opened up a little can of worms in the house, the old argument about who you'd be allowed to snog, you know?

If the situation arose that you ever got the chance to have a little jamellia snog, would you be allowed to, is the question I asked my wife.

And she said, she got angry about it.

And you just think, well, this is a hypothetical discussion.

It's very unlikely that I'm ever, ever going to get the chance to have a snog with Jamelia.

Why get upset about it?

But it didn't help.

It turned into a little aggressive conversation.

I said, you're allowed to snog someone in the hypothetical world.

Who would you like?

You know, and, you know, you're a more attractive person than I am.

There's every chance that you might actually get to do it, and I'm going to be cool with it.

She didn't give me anything.

She said, no, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

And that was it?

Well, she's a better person than you.

No, come on.

You're a rancid, disgusting, unfaithful, mentally... pig... man.

She's just in my brainium.

She's a lovely, loyal lady.

I know, but I... Very disgusting.

I don't believe that she would... Druelling over women a third of your age.

Women are... women are just... they're dishonest, I think.

You know?

Because I do not believe that she is not doing some mental drooling there.

What, your wife over Jamelia?

No, not over Jamelia!

That's the way to square the circle, to trim the triangle.

She likes the ruffians.

Get Jamelia and the wife.

Like when we're watching cop dramas, she always likes to go to the theatre to see The War Horse, which has some fantastic puppetry in it.

There you go, well done.

Got out of that, brilliantly.

But you know what I mean?

Like when she's watching sort of cop dramas and stuff, she always likes the ruffians on there.

I'm sure she'd snog one of those ruffians.

Anyway, that's, uh... And I'd be fine with it, that's what I'm saying.

She wanted to snog a ruffian?

That's fine.

Anyway, now here's the last of my epic choices for you listeners.

This one is not particularly long, this musical choice.

But, I mean, it's on the long side, but it's good, man.

It's a Roxy music track and it's from Siren, which has got, it's sort of weird album, Siren.

I think is it the one with Jerry Hall lying on the beach on the front?

I think it might be.

Anyway, like all Roxy Music's albums, they've, uh, there's brilliant tracks on there, and this is one of the best in my opinion.

This is called End of the Line.

That's great, that little coda at the end there, the piano bit.

That's Roxy Music with End of the Line, uh, sounding a little bit like Dexi's Midnight Runners there, almost.

You know with the fiddles in the middle?

Sex drugs.

The middle fiddles.

Girls, boys, I don't care.

Skins.

Junk.

Well, man, that's a good idea for a show.

You should get it off the ground.

Thanks a lot, mate.

Junk.

That's excellent.

That's it for us this week, folks.

Thank you so much for listening.

Listen, I've got some sad news for you.

We're away next weekend.

But don't worry, because Alan Carr is stepping in.

TV's Alan Carr off of Celebrity Ding Dong.

I find that quite flattering that he would step in for us.

Yeah, he's been filling in for the merchant, hasn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, and he's very good, apparently, and he'll be here at the same time next week.

We're taking a week off doing things that will tell you about the following week when we'll be back again, so it means there won't be any podcasts.

Well, there might be.

We're sort of sorting it out, listen out for one.

We were thinking of maybe trying to fix up the Christmas show that we did, because that was a good show.

and maybe do that as a, yeah, but the rules are very strict here.

The rules are strict.

Castle, we don't know whether we'll be allowed.

No, so we'll have to figure that out.

But right now we're going off to record the intros for our, for this weekend's podcast.

Of course, keep downloading those podcasts, folks.

Thank you very much for having done so, so far.

And thanks for listening today and texting and emailing and all that thought good stuff.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Have a great weekend and stay tuned right now for Liz Kershaw.