The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (22 December 2007)

Wizard there with I wish it could be Christmas every day Which would be a nightmare if you think about it in practical terms.

It would just not be workable.

Don't you think Joe Cornish?

I agree.

I think that's an awful song Yeah, I think that's an awful song.

Well, I don't agree I think that's one of the most heartwarming wonderful songs ever written I think it thrusts its hand into the chest of Christmas and rips its heart out Oh my lord evil man in Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom

What kind of opening gambit is that for just past 9 on the 22nd of December?

Listeners like it.

You know we're keeping it real.

They know they're with people who won't kowtow to the playlist.

Well, one of them won't.

Yeah.

The other one likes it.

Now, we're in a special shack, listeners, because it's our Christmas show.

Yeah.

Every Christmas, Adam and I like to leave the studio.

Are you all right?

Yeah, how many little cough?

Yeah, why it's cold, isn't it?

It's freezing.

It might be a white Christmas this Christmas.

Ooh!

Yeah, the bookies are saying it could be.

Are they really?

Yeah, they are the bookies.

Oh, I love the bookies.

And, uh, so we've left the Six Music Studio and we've gone to a little shack in the middle of a field in the English countryside in the Trocadero.

In the Trocadero.

And, uh, we're very cold, so are we gonna light that fire?

Yeah, I've got some matches.

Come on, baby.

Here we go.

There we go.

Oh, dear.

Come on, mate.

Sorry.

There we go.

There we are.

Oh, I burnt my shot.

I burnt my sleeve.

My sleeve's on fire.

It smells nice here.

Ow, hand burning!

It's out now.

It's nice, I like the smell of burnt wool.

Good morning, listeners.

Welcome to the Adam and Jo radio show here on BBC 6 Music.

It's Saturday the 22nd of December.

It's very nearly Christmas, Christmas in three days time.

I'm just going to put some Christmas music on.

So you know, by rights, everybody should be feeling really all cosy and cuddly and warm and lovely.

There's no work on Monday.

That's right, isn't it?

Some people might have to go to work.

We're on holidays.

Holidanes.

It's a Danish holiday.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Some people might have to go to work on Monday, but they'll just be phoning it in.

You know, they'll be in the office.

They won't actually be doing any real work.

Yeah, and be their surgeons.

Because you have to be mad.

The surgeons will be phoning it in.

Exactly.

Yeah, the ambulance drivers.

They'll just be going at like 45 miles an hour.

Just do like, that's a normal, just like a really one long stitch.

That should be fine, that'll keep it together.

We've got great music coming up for you for the next three hours obviously.

We should remind you though, it's a matter of transparency here at the BBC to declare that this is a pre-recorded show.

So don't bother texting, you'll be wasting your finger power.

Yeah, that's it really.

Exactly, because if you did and it was found out, oh my gosh.

If what, if they texted and someone found out that they were texting?

Exactly.

What would happen?

We'd both be shot.

Why?

Because of the, um, because they feel so let down.

That's true.

Because they would have paid, how much for the text?

Hey, 2008 is gonna be a fresh slate for Telly.

It's all about a Telly?

Radio.

The BBC.

It's all about regaining trust, so, you know, let's just be public.

Honest about everything.

Purply honest.

Let's be perfectly honest.

We've got great music coming up for you in the next 25 hours, including some James Brown, some Interpol, you know, all that kind of business.

As well as our favourite Christmas tunes.

Now, Joe and I like to wheel out more or less the same Christmas tunes.

Everyone does, you know.

There's only a small pool of Christmas tunes that are any good.

Exactly.

So we like to wheel them out, you'll be hearing all your favourites, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before in the next two and a half hours.

Yeah, and a bit more.

This is going to be a kind of free-willing show, we're not doing our usual competitions and stuff like that.

Instead, Adam and I have bought presents for each other, and I've bought some lager.

Adam's got a can of beer.

That's a bit sleazy, isn't it?

Because it's nine in the morning.

Yeah, that's very sleazy.

What do you think about that?

But it's holidays.

It's fine, man.

I'm gonna smoke some crack a bit later.

Are you?

Yeah.

Is that right?

Not really.

I'm not really gonna do that, listeners.

Yeah, what are you?

That's a joke.

What are you, Russell Brand?

That's a joke too, okay?

So don't bother writing in because we're not here.

So listen, before we get ourselves in any more trouble, let's have some more music.

This is a very Christmassy band, you know, because they caught the word Arctic in the title.

This is the Arctic.

Mikey's with Teddy Pickett.

Ooh, that's the Arctic Monkeys with Teddy Picker.

I kept on saying throughout the year that, oh, Richard Ioware, they directed a video for that.

Incorrect.

He directed the video for one of the previous singles from that album.

It's a video with clowns beating up hard men in that kind of warehouse.

It's a good vid.

Hey listen, news has just come in.

Christmas has been cancelled.

Uh, so, um, yeah, I'm afraid Gordon Brown and Jonathan Porrett.

Right.

Do you know who he is?

Uh, no.

He's a kind of eco man.

They've cancelled it because it's ecologically unsound.

What's wrong with Christmas?

Uh, because Christmas involves chopping down trees.

Yeah.

Buying useless things.

Right.

Uh, plugging in fancy lights that drain electricity.

That's true.

Watching extra television.

Yeah.

Cooking extra food.

Over the Christmas period, the Earth uses more carbon fibers.

Yeah, that's what the environment's made up of.

Right.

Than any other type of time of year.

That's probably, are you making all that up?

That sounds, has the ring of truth though.

Yeah, I was thinking about it the other day.

I thought, you know, if we were really taking the end of the world seriously, then we'd just cancel the whole thing.

Or you know, you'd make it super kind of earthy.

You'd give, you know, those Oxfam type presents.

Have you ever been given a present by one of those Oxfam presents where they give you a card and say, oh, I've bought a donkey.

for the third world.

No, I never have.

Really?

It shows the circles you're mixing and the values of your family.

Have you?

Yeah.

A lot.

By your brother?

Yeah.

By my brother and my girlfriend often gets them.

So how many donkeys have you got then?

I've bought a couple of donkeys.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

And you know, good for the guy with the donkey, but bad news for me.

So is the point... Where's the goods?

Is the point... Where's the stuff?

Exactly.

Where's the stuff?

You know, is the point of that?

You know what?

And I'm sure the guy with the donkey might agree as well at the end of the day.

Is it to help the donkey, or is it just to give a gift that doesn't involve using up more of the world's resources?

Yeah, it's to actually do something good.

So, rather than just indulge yourself for your, you know, your family.

Because a donkey, that's bad, man.

What?

What is a donkey bad?

Well, I could understand a star.

If someone gave you a star, I'd name the star after you.

How would that help someone in the third floor?

Joe's star.

And then you could say, I've got to starve!

Is that what you're doing for Christmas?

Well, who are you helping in the third world adopting a donkey?

A guy that gets the donkey!

What?

Because he can carry water on it.

Donkeys are essential.

Dear me.

I don't understand.

That's what I'm going to give you for Christmas.

But you know, listeners, we bought each other presents, Adam and I bought each other presents.

We're going to be opening them as the show goes on.

None of them are environmentally friendly presents or kind of Oxfam type presents, are they?

Well, mine is.

One of mine came from Dr. Barnardo's actually.

Really?

But you know, don't worry, Christmas hasn't been cancelled and it's the time when God gives us permission, Jesus gives us permission to indulge in a horrific way.

That's what he says in the Bible, isn't it?

Isn't that what it says in the Bible?

It is, yeah.

Ecclesiastes, somewhere in the Ecclesiastes.

And lo, Jesus said this week, thou, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

Have another drinky.

Speaking of which, I got some, I brought in a special bottle from my fridge.

It's been in the fridge for one and a half years.

Is that really so?

Yes.

Wow, you really pushed the boat out.

It's a bottle of Prosecco, and it looks a little bit like champagne.

If you squint, it looks like champagne, and it's got a champagne-style cork and everything.

I just knocked it against the mic there.

I love things that are just style.

Yeah.

Would you?

No, I don't like the real thing.

I like something that's just styled after the real thing.

Right, like some kind of brand of cereal that you get in like a big supermarket.

It looks a little bit like a famous brand of cereal, but actually it's just the own brand.

It's a bit like a flavoured something, you know?

You can buy chocolate that's not chocolate, it's chocolate flavour.

And that's not real chocolate.

Chocolate flavoured chocolate.

You can get chocolate-flavored chocolate cakes.

Right.

Yeah, you're gonna open that.

Would you like a glass of Prosecco?

Definitely.

I think on the 22nd of December, you're allowed to drink.

Again, it says that in Ecclesiastes.

And lo, Jesus said, you're allowed to drink before 10am.

Right.

In fact, not only that, but you must.

As long as it's Prosecco.

Here we go.

Listen for the cork listeners.

I'm listening.

Oh man, it took out the clock!

I very nearly smashed the big British castle clock.

Let's have some more music.

I think it went through the ceiling and went all the way up Stephen Mac's bottom.

That's not very good, is it?

We might be in vain for that.

So listen, while we're having a glass of Prosecco, here's some more music, and I think we've got, is it music or a trail now?

Uh, they're kind of the same things to me.

Wouldn't it be amazing if the trail had music in it?

Then it would've never happened.

Two brilliant things for the price of... Dream on!

But I think it's music.

It's the beat with Too Nice to Talk To.

Mmm!

That was the beat with Too Nice to Talk To.

Not only did I enjoy the beat, but I'm also enjoying my glass of Prosecco, and you can't really hear the bubbles over the crackle of the fire there.

You know what?

That record by the beat, it's called Too Nice to Talk To, T00 Nice to Talk To.

If that was released today, it would have the numbers in it, wouldn't it?

Right.

It would be the number two, nice to talk to.

Right?

Yeah, exactly.

There's so many twos in there.

You'd be missing a trick not to.

Maybe you could have the word two and the number two and the Roman numeral two.

Hey, listeners, if you've been listening, you'll know that we've started drinking.

I'm just keeping things ticking along.

That's a really good idea.

Thanks.

But I was going to say, cheers.

Cheers, man.

No, because we've got little glasses of champagne.

Happy Christmas.

It's Saturday.

It's December 22nd, so we're allowed to drink in the morning, as we've already established.

In fact, other things you could do with your drink this morning is put it on your cereal, bathe in it, or what else could you do with this?

Have you ever poured booze over yourself?

No, I don't think I have.

Never?

Have you?

And if so, under what circumstances?

It seems like the kind of thing you would do if you were a sexy grown-up man and you had maybe a woman who wanted to drink it.

It's the kind of thing, I think the only people who've ever done that are Scrooge McDuck and P Diddy.

Scrooge McDuck?

Why would he do it?

Because he bathes in, he's got a massive room full of money that he swims in.

Right.

Yeah.

That's the kind of over-the-top thing he would do.

But I wouldn't drink it if it was coming, you know, like champagne off Scrooge McDuck's back.

No, I wouldn't have that.

That would be disgusting.

And I always feel the same thing as well.

Sounds like an aphorism.

Right.

Which is like champagne off Scrooge McDuck's back.

Yeah.

Um, that was intentional.

Yeah, good one, man.

And, uh... Yeah, it's unhygienic, though.

Why would you wanna... Have you ever drunk or eaten anything off another human being?

Uh... That's a yes.

That's a yes.

Okay, listen folks, we are going to be unwrapping the first of our Christmas presents for each other after this next track, and this is something I've chosen for you.

This was voted by Word Magazine as the very best Christmas song in one of their kind of round-ups of the best and worst Christmas songs in their issue a couple of weeks ago.

And I must say I agree, it's the Waitresses with Christmas Rapping.

Enjoy!

Hey, this is Adam and Jo on BBC6 Music.

This is our sort of Christmas show.

That's why you can hear the sound of a lovely, warm, toasty Christmas-y fire.

We're in a lovely Christmas-y shack.

And we've got a load of presents for each other.

I said that we were going to be unwrapping our first present after that last track, The Waitresses.

But actually, we're going to wait for the news, because it's going to be news time soon.

But before that, here's one of the big musical success stories of 2007.

Yeah, this is a song inspired by when they went to see the film Control and someone stood up and went to the loo.

Uh, yeah, it's Gossip with Standing in the Way of Control.

Nice.

That was the Gossip with Standing in the Way of Control.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It's our Christmas show and we'll be back very shortly.

But first, here is the Green Day with Warning.

Hey, this is Adam Buxton.

This is Joe Cornish.

The sound you can hear in the background listeners is a lovely Christmasy fire.

This is our special Christmas show.

This is the show we're doing closest to the actual day of Christmas, the sweet spot, the nexus, the pivotal moment of the season.

Yeah.

And we should confess to you right now that this is a pre-recorded show, so please don't text or email us because it would be a waste and then the whole world would crumble.

You'd feel used.

A waste.

We'd feel embarrassed.

It would be a nightmare.

But, of course, because it's Christmas, Adam and I have bought each other presents and sitting here beneath a Christmas tree, we do actually have a Christmas tree, right?

We wouldn't lie about that.

No!

No, we're not allowed to lie here.

No, there's no lie.

We've got a full big Christmas tree, an invisible one.

I thought you were going to say we've got a full blown Christmas tree.

I will.

We've got a full blown Christmas tree and underneath it is a lovely pile of exciting, brightly coloured wrapped presents.

My mind is so pathetic that all I can think of is the filthiness of that.

just the idea of a full-blown Christmas tree with a big pile of prezzies just sounds filthy to my mind yeah well that's good yeah anyway listen who shall give first I don't know I don't know Christmas is all about giving it's true isn't it well why don't why don't you have well

I'm gonna give you three four one two three I've let's start with you giving me a present as You've bought me more presents and I've bought you really but it depends on the quality of the individual present doesn't it?

Well, how do you rate the quality of your presents?

What the ones that I've bought for you?

Yeah, what what method do I use or no?

I actually rate them.

Yeah, how would you rate them very high very high?

Yeah, do you think I would genuinely like any of the presents you've got me all of them?

All right, listen.

I tell you, do you know how long it took me to get these presents?

No.

25 minutes.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you know how much their total worth is?

I would say 8 pounds.

No, that's about 15, 16 pounds worth of presents.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm just going to tot up mine quickly in my head.

Yours are worth about, actually...

Well, yours are worth about 20 quid.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, that's exciting.

Here's the first present.

So here we go, this very exciting listeners.

Do you know what that is?

Can you tell?

Well, it feels like a CD.

Over the years, I've become quite adept at identifying wrapped objects.

Yeah, of course.

And this is quite clearly a CD.

Opening it up.

Oh, this actually looks quite good.

Well, you know.

It's a CD.

It's called Steel in Christmas.

And it's got a large man playing a steel drum.

He's sort of leaning on the steel drum and kind of poking something inside it.

And the steel drum's got Holly attached to it.

He's called Brent Holder.

And maybe Ben, our producer for today, could stick it on for us.

Yeah, here we go.

I'm going to pass the CD there to Ben.

The only thing that is a little bit suspicious making is the cover's cracked there.

You know, does that mean it's second hand, or it's a reject from your collection, or has it merely been handled roughly?

Dr. Bernardo's... Really?

Is it second hand?

It is.

Do you own?

Do you know what this record is?

Let's go for track two.

Because the first one, what's track two called?

Track two is called Ding Dong Merrily on High.

I've heard of that one.

It's not recognisable yet, but it will be in a second.

It's a nice little intro here.

Ready?

Ooh, ding dong merrily on high I live in Jamaica I'm playing the steel drums This is great It's good, isn't it?

There we go.

There's a biography here.

It says the Port of Spain Police Youth Club in Trinidad was the first place Brent started playing the steel pan instrument from the tender age of eight.

Wow, so he's a kind of steel pan expert.

Um, that's exciting.

It's good, isn't it?

Because it sounds almost synthesized.

You know, it's like he's so precise, but this is real steel drum playing you're hearing, folks.

What's his name again, the guy?

His name is Brent Holder.

That sounds like a Star Trek.

Well, Brent Spiner played Data.

So what drew you to this?

Well, to be honest, I just thought it might be fun just to play on the show a little bit.

And I thought you'd dig it because, you know, you've got questing kind of musical tastes, don't you?

Yeah.

And you enjoy the rhythm and the blues and that kind of thing.

So I thought a bit of steel drum would be nice.

And you know what I was thinking as well?

The other day when we did Song Wars Christmas songs, I was originally going to go down the steel drum route.

I went down a different route in the end, but I was, you know, very attracted to that.

Are you drinking your Prosecco, incidentally?

Me?

Yeah.

I've had a couple of sips, yeah.

I've had more than a couple of sips.

I'm pacing myself.

Not even ten o'clock.

I'm a little bit tooty.

Yeah.

We should probably play some kind, man.

Thank you very much.

Are you seriously, are you genuinely a little bit happy with that?

Not really.

Yeah, a little bit.

Will you play it?

A little bit.

That crack's really taking the edge off it, though.

I genuinely thought about rehousing it.

It's funny, isn't it?

When you have a CD and the case cracks, for me it just takes the edge off the whole... I know what you mean.

The band, the career and the music within.

I'm sorry about that.

Just feels cheap.

How much was it?

Is that an un-Christmas-y question to ask?

A little bit.

A little bit on Christmas-y three-pants.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Shall we have some music?

Yeah.

Let's have, but this is, um, Ding Dong Marily on High by Brent Alder.

We've had that.

This is Ida Maria with Drive Away My Heart.

Wow, she just refused to die there.

She's like an animal caught in a trap and she had a couple death throes there.

And what's Christmas going to be like at Ida Maria's house?

Quite serious.

Very serious.

Uh, quite confused.

Lots of strange pauses and then sudden noises.

I think her family died, but they're still sitting round the table.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre style.

She tries to force a hammer into her father's hand.

That's nasty business isn't it?

It's from the pauling image.

It's from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I know what I'm saying.

Kids love that film.

Kids watch that film these days.

That is one of the most horrific moments in cinema.

It is horrible business.

Let's not take that any further because it's Christmas and we should banish that thought of that kind of necrophiliac in a party chit chat.

We should banish it from our minds.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC Six Music.

Merry, very nearly Christmas, listeners.

Adam and I, to celebrate the season, have done something that everybody does and bought each other presents.

Adam has just given me a marvellous CD.

of, uh, steel drum, uh, music.

I wish this could see the cover-up on this thing.

Would you not even play that, like, at a little party just for a little bit?

A very small party, you know?

A very, very small party.

One with nobody there.

Here's a present for you.

Thanks, man.

It's all right.

Uh, this is a small present, listeners, and it should be noted that Joe Cornish has wrapped his presents this year in some paper.

Man, that was a...

in the newspaper.

I thought the listeners should know because I took the time to wrap your stuff in nice silver paper from a shop.

It's true.

And the paper actually was probably worth more than the present.

But no, I only mentioned that because in previous years I've been a bit slack about my wrapping.

I remember one year I didn't wrap anything at all.

I just handed you stuff.

That's very slack.

I'm not a geek.

You didn't buy anything.

That's probably true.

Yeah, no, you're always buddy.

But look at what newspaper I've wrapped it in.

uh what the daily telegraph yeah do you read the daily telegraph the sport pages you're good at reading newspapers though how many newspapers do you buy a day just the one no i didn't that was that was got from uh the six music used newspaper pile telegraph's a good paper though isn't it i'm not a big newspaper reader i have to admit yeah it's all right oh look manager of the month

Hey, focus on the present, not the paper.

I mean, it is lovely paper.

Congratulations to Paul Cook from None eaten.

Frankly, he had a crack in November as his team that cooked very rude.

Man, you've been very rude.

Sorry, mate.

Sorry.

Describe what's happening.

Talk us through it.

Oh, a Macleish arrival to end takeover.

sorry now listen I've unwrapped it and in the middle it's a kind of oh my gosh what is this it's a sort of tube a little tube this a little smaller than a tube of Smarties actually maybe half the size of a tube

If you go about it this way, you'll never figure out what it is.

What do you think it is?

A telescope?

A firework?

Could it be?

It looks like a firework.

It looks like the cardboard middle of a firework.

Otherwise we'll be here all evening.

I got this from that music shop in the Tottenham Court Road.

Is it called McCraney?

It looks like the kind of musical instrument that Damon Albarn would use.

It is a musical instrument.

It's what they call a jaw harp.

Oh!

Yeah, have you ever used one of those before?

No.

During the next record, you can figure out how to use it, but you put it between your lips, you open your mouth, and then you go... I just stabbed myself.

You just snapped it against his mouth.

Have you actually cut your lips there?

I don't know.

It could have gone right.

It could have just pierced my cheek with the heart.

Pace yourself with it.

Oh my lord.

Am I bleeding?

Uh, not yet, no.

But- I am.

Look at that, that's blood, mate.

Little bit of blood.

Oh my lord, thanks!

Thanks for the deadly present!

Well, I didn't-

Because this is not a normal one.

Usually, I've seen these things before.

They're also known in the old world as a jew's harp.

You know, they sit round campfires and they go... You're gonna be doing that in a second.

We're gonna go for a record.

Join the record.

I'm really bleeding.

Look at this.

It's pouring out.

It's not my fault.

I just had two glasses of Prosecco, I'm not coordinated and you give me this deadly device?

Yeah, but it's like me giving you a box of chocolates and then you stuffing them into your eyes and then complaining that your eyes hurt.

Come on then, you picked this next track, right?

I did, yeah.

This is the Rolling Stones.

It's called Winter.

Are you a Stones fan?

Yeah.

Where do you hear this song?

I bet this is on a soundtrack, right?

No.

It's a great classic Rolling Stones song.

One of my favourites is called Winter.

This is Adam and Jo BBC Six Music.

Good morning everybody.

This is our special Christmas show.

We're in a little wooden shack.

We've got a fire going.

And you just heard the Rolling Stones with winter.

And I just gave Adam his first Christmas present.

It's a jaw harp.

And during the break, well during that last record he's been learning how to play it and before that record he just cut a chunk of his lip off with it.

It's a very sharp jaw harp I must say and I almost immediately because I'm a slightly male coordinated shoved it right in my cheek.

flattered by that because you did that because you were so excited about it.

I was excited about it.

In the early 80s.

You know, it slightly puts my present to you to shame because it's a far more creative and it's something that I could use in the future as well to maybe for song wars, that kind of thing.

It's great.

And it looks pretty as well.

But I think you're going to like your next present.

Really?

Very much.

Before we move on to that, I'd like to hear some of your jaw harp stylings.

Hold it by the tip because you've got to let it resonate.

It's all about resonation.

What do you want me to play?

I'd like you to play Orange Juice's track, I Can't Help Myself.

Four tops, I can't help myself, I can't help myself.

That's good.

That's quite good.

That's the sound of Adam beginning to learn to play the jaw harp.

And in a few months time, he might be one of Britain's leading jaw harpists.

Try and change the note.

Well, you may change it.

I'm changing it all over the area.

Hang on.

That's good.

That's a great idea for Christmas present, even though I say it myself.

It costs like six quid.

You know?

I mean, you know, you don't get many more notes than that out of it, do you?

Oh, no, you do.

I'm not taking it.

It's got all your germs all over it.

It's got all my blood all over it.

I'll have a little go of it during the next record.

Here's a session track recorded for the David Kidd Jensen show on Radio 1 on the 25th of August.

Uh, August, April, 1982.

Uh, what a year 82 was.

Um, and this is Orange Juice.

Classic year.

A classic year.

And after this, who's giving who a present?

Uh, I don't know.

We might wait till the next hour.

Oh my gosh.

Are we in the next hour?

Ooh, very nearly.

Yeah.

Uh, here's Orange Juice with I Can't Help Myself.

That was Beck with Little Drum Machine Boy, and that was a little remix that I did myself for you listeners.

Did you?

Yeah, because, uh, the actual track, which I think is on the B side of... Oh, I forget.

It was on, you know what, it was on a freebie giveaway thing that came with Select Magazine years ago.

And it was a really good little sort of EP.

Is it rude?

There was a little bit of rudeness in there, I hope it didn't offend anybody, but also it went on for hours.

The original thing was like eight hours.

So you kind of compressed it.

Did a little compression on it.

Good work.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Anyway, this is Adam and Joe here on BBC Six Music.

It's our Christmas show, even though it's only the 22nd.

You've still got a load of time to do all your present by, and there's no hurry.

And hey, merry cringles, Christmas listeners.

Yeah, exactly.

Because Christmas is our favourite time of year.

You know, even if you don't necessarily believe in every single aspect of it, it's still a nice time just to take stock, relax a little bit if you're lucky enough to get some time off from your hard work.

Just see some friends, you know.

Are you big on the Christmas card situation, Joe?

No, I'm ashamed to say I've never sent a Christmas card in my life.

That's lucky, man.

I envy you, because there's no real reason for it.

And it's just a sort of insane routine that people get into that gets worse as you get older.

It's a policy decision, isn't it?

Weirdly, our friend Louis Theroux, you might occasionally see him on the telly, and this year, Christmas cards.

Right.

Never before.

Well, he's a family man now, though.

It's true, isn't it?

I think if you have the kiddles, uh, and all that sort of business Christmas cards become part of the whole deal.

I'm one of these people that puts their children on their Christmas cards.

What do you mean by that?

I actually place both the boys on top of the card and I shove them into the letterbox and then they accompany the card.

Just to get rid of them?

No, that's not true.

I take pictures of them in cute poses.

God.

You're like that American woman that does the awful pictures of babies.

What's she called Anne Gedders?

Yeah, I'm exactly like her.

No, it's mainly for... You look very like her.

Thank you.

It's mainly for my parents, you know, because they get... And it's for me and my wife as well.

We enjoy dressing them up and making them look ludicrous.

But I can't stop myself doing it, even though a lot of my friends I know disapprove and think it's very tacky and ludicrous and sort of show-offy to parade my children in Christmas garden.

Correct.

But I like doing it.

And it's sweet.

What are they dressed in this year?

This year, well, we've left it quite late this year.

We haven't done it yet.

They haven't done it yet?

No, it's the 22nd and we still haven't done our Christmas card.

So it might be a sort of new year motif we might... What are you thinking?

What are you thinking costume-wise?

I'm thinking, well, generally we go fairly traditional with the costumes.

Just a Christmas hat.

Like a little Christmas hat.

They're old enough to resist now, aren't they?

Man, they've been old enough to resist for the last three years, they hate it.

Do they?

They absolutely hate it.

Really?

I think you should do them up like celebrities, like they do in Heat magazine.

Honestly, that's what I've been waiting for.

Every year, I think if there was a prominent celebrity couple, I'd just both have shopped their faces in there.

Who would be the key couple this year?

Brown and Blair.

could have done a sort of satirical political pose exactly uh yeah have you seen that advert i think it's for schwepps or something like that where it's a it's it's a kind of photoshopped job of a bar and everybody's in there giving each other yes and jackson is she called alison jackson oh

Yeah.

The artist who does all the celebrity look-alikes stuff.

Right, it's look-alikes, is it?

Yeah, I think so.

There you go, it's Ludacris, and it's got Pete Doherty, and... Sure.

Yeah.

They're the big people, and who is it?

It's Posh and Bex, is the other one, is it?

There we go.

The most famous people, 2007, I guess, that's the consensus.

Blair and Brown, Posh and Bex, and Doherty, and what a retarded world we live in.

Yeah, and I'm the king of it.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm the most retarded person in it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, so I'm the king.

Now listen, I want to tell you about Frank's nativity play.

Frank is my silently listeners.

Hope you won't mind me talking about him.

I'll be talking about his nativity play very shortly, and of course we've got some present giving business to settle as well shortly.

But first, here's some more music.

This is...

Interpol, the most Christmasy band in the world, with the Heinrich Maneuver.

That was Interpol with the Heinrich Maneuver.

This is Adam and John, BBC6 Music, coming to you from our Christmas shack here in central London, where we've got a lovely, cosy, roaring log fire, and Adam's now gonna what?

We've got Booker T in the MG, he's playing in the corner there.

Yeah.

Right lads?

Just a few Christmas songs.

Thank you!

Bye!

Thank you!

Have a nice time!

How are you doing?

Shh!

Fine, thanks.

Keep it down.

Booker T. Washington was speaking there.

Um, now Adam, you were gonna tell us about your, uh, son's nativity play.

I'm gonna sit back and drink my, what is this?

Prosecco.

Prosecco, yeah.

Some alcohol early in the morning, but it's alright because it's Christmas.

It's nice, innit?

Yeah.

You feeling a little bit tutti now?

A tiny bit tutti, yeah.

Taking the edge off a little bit.

I've got a very low tolerance for alcohol, so I'm entering the headache phase.

Are you immediately?

Almost immediately.

My enjoyment lasted about four seconds.

That tends to be the problem with sparkling, yeah.

Go for it, though.

Tell us about the nativity play.

Well, I went to my son Frank's nativity play.

He's about five and a half now, and this was the first time that he's been involved with a school play production thing and not immediately started crying as soon as he appeared on the stage and ran away.

Because he finds it too much, it's overwhelming.

You know, he's not a natural performer in that respect.

But this time, man, he nailed it.

He had a line.

His line was, we come bearing gifts of gold, precious frankincense and myrrh.

And he also sang many of the songs.

He didn't solo it, but he was a very valuable part of the choir.

So I was extremely proud.

But my enjoyment of the whole thing was somewhat...

What's the word?

Mard.

Mard, mollified, offset by... not mollified, certainly, but offset by the fact that a Christmas nativity play now is a total scrum.

Is there any other kind of nativity play apart from a Christmas one?

No.

But it's a total scrum.

In the video age, the phone age, right, and the camera age, parents are just going absolutely nuts.

Well, this has been the subject of... Was it in a movie or a TV sketch show?

I can remember seeing a sequence in something where

It's like a press call.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like the world's press are taking photos of David Beckham in his weird bulgy knick-knocks.

Yes, people are just crazy exactly and kind of It's as if human beings don't have memories anymore, right?

Do you know what I mean?

I always think if something really means something, if you just look at it really hard with your eyes, there are nerve endings in the brain that record us, you know?

Yeah.

And that might be a bit more meaningful.

In a way, filming stuff or taking photos is actually reductive.

Well, to a degree, I'm just giving you, I'm being devil's advocate.

Yes, yes, yes.

But certainly, when you seize things like that, and I think I've been to a friend's nativity play where I witnessed a very similar scene, and yeah, one does think, man, this has gone too far.

Was the scene something to do with Mary and Joseph?

It was a similar scene.

Yeah, it was that kind of scene.

I mean, it's unusual, of course, these days, to see something that traditional, because only 5% of schools are doing traditional nativity plays, because the killjoys want to stamp it out.

Yeah, so we're told.

But anyway, well, there's many different religions in the country.

Yeah, but the other religions are not going around saying, you know what makes me sick?

Is nativity plays.

I think it's mainly... Yeah, you've got to be inclusive with little kids.

Yeah.

It's a tricky subject.

It's the kind of political hot potato that we don't like to handle here on the Hot Potato Show.

Let's open that political hot potato and put a knob of butter in and a little bit of cheese.

Just a nod, maybe.

That's a delicious hot potato.

Thanks very much.

But no, I was thinking all the same stuff that you were saying previously about memorizing things and the value of memory as opposed to just the stark image from a phone cam or whatever.

But it didn't stop me rushing down there and trying to get a little shot.

I knelt at the front because the problem in the church was

that, you know, you've got all the people in the pews, it's a packed house in the pews, but the children actually involved with the production were not raised up, there was no stage or anything.

And they were very close to the front row, so only the front row got a good view, everyone else was stuffed.

It sounds badly directed.

It was, I'll do next year.

Yeah, could you?

Yeah.

And I was thinking if they'd asked me, I would've got them some cheap staging, some cheap risers, you know?

I could've sorted the whole thing out, it wouldn't have been a big scrum.

But no, they wouldn't ask me about it.

And instead, it was a disaster.

Was it?

It was the biggest... No, it wasn't, it was charming.

But it was charming.

I wish I could have seen a little more.

Some schools have banned recording devices, haven't they?

Have they?

From their plays, yeah.

Probably quite wisely.

I mean, it was out of control here.

There was people with massive telephoto lenses and stuff.

Really?

Yeah, it was way out of control.

The thing is, when you're filming something like that that you don't actually kind of, you know, where it's not a proper film, it's probably hard to know where to point the camera.

Right.

Do you go for a wide?

Do you zoom in for a close-up?

How did you handle?

You were just on Frank the whole time.

Zooming in?

Yeah, I don't want the whole... You're not interested in any of the other kids.

You just want Frank.

I got an Establisher, but mainly I wanted Frank.

He was looking sweet there with his halo.

Then the problem is, once you zoom in on a digital camera, it's total block-o-vision.

Oh, you were taking stills.

You weren't taking video.

I was taking video, but on the mini camera.

Ah.

So... I'm probably never going to see it again.

and my memory of the whole thing is just a kind of mad photo-scrum with Frank somewhere in the middle of it.

What's the world come to?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Would you like some music to help me think about it?

Sure, okay, what have you got?

I've got only one of the best songs ever recorded by a human being.

Is this what I think it is?

It's Duffy with Rock Fairy.

It's not what I thought it was.

That's good, isn't it?

We sort of gave it a rather inappropriate introduction.

You were sniggering us.

Sniggering and snorting, but not at the music.

It just happened to be a good moment for a snigger and a snort.

But that was Duffy with Rock Fairy.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

It's our Christmas show.

We're in our little shack.

We've got our fire going.

We're playing some good Christmassy songs.

We've got some presents to give.

I think it's time for our next present very shortly, don't you think?

Yeah, what about right now?

Right now you say I'm greedy for presies.

Okay, then presies you can what would you say Adam Buxton?

Was the best present you've ever been given in your whole life for Christmas the most excited you ever been well the most excited That's easy.

The most excited was when I got my

Excuse me, when I got my Sony Trinitron color television... How old were you?

I was... 12.

Wow.

And so that would have been 1981, 1982.

Is that the first teller you actually owned?

Yeah.

Your veteran.

First TV, and my parents were very reluctant to give it to me, you know, obviously, because you don't want to... It has had a seriously detrimental effect.

Well, exactly.

No, I mean it essentially made it possible for me to earn money in my later life in this ludicrous manner, because it meant that I could watch a huge amount of all kinds of television at any time, and it was great.

And it's still working today, it's still in my house.

Really?

Yeah, it's a classic little TV.

Wow.

Well, how about you?

Probably the Play People Fire Engine.

really they're called play mobile now yeah but i was obsessed with play people uh and yeah i got a play people fire engine and because my birthday is very near christmas right uh it was a joint birthday present

Yeah, my parents couldn't afford it.

Oh really?

They couldn't afford the whole play person.

How old were you?

I don't know, they thought it was too sort of greedy and demanding.

What was this, 26, 27 years old?

27, 27.

No, I don't know, probably about 9, 8 or 9.

Right.

I did play with those toys till a lot later than most children though.

Yeah.

I was still playing with them when I was 13.

Did you used to make sort of dioramas out of your sheets like mountains and stuff? 16.

What?

What were you doing with them?

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Uh, the, the Empire Strikes Back snow caves.

Yes, exactly.

From Duvet's.

Yeah.

And, oh, you don't want me to get into that.

Ooh.

But yeah, what an exciting time.

Yeah.

For everybody.

With the fire engine.

Oh, Christmas, right.

Yeah, so listen, let's have another record before we do another present.

It's very exciting.

You know, looking at these presents, obviously one over the years becomes able to discern what a present is.

Adam, can you tell what my presents are?

Am I allowed to do some handling?

Yeah, absolutely.

You can handle this one.

Oh my gosh.

We think that one is.

Describe it to the listeners.

It's wrapped in newspaper.

Don't stop saying that.

Is this radio?

You paint pictures in people's minds.

That could be any kind of paper.

It feels like, feels like a double CD.

with a little book on top of it.

Would that be right?

I'm not going to tell you whether it's right or wrong.

It's right.

What about this one?

What's that one?

This feels, it's got the same dimensions as a headphone, a pair of headphones in a plastic case.

Now, do you have to, are your Christmas presents under your tree for your kids already?

Yes, they are, yeah.

And do you have to control their squeezing and fondling?

Yes, we do.

And what about Christmas presents?

That's totally inappropriate.

It's not necessarily sexual.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah.

Because otherwise it gets way out of control.

But they're both old enough not to rip all the paper off and stuff.

Are they?

Yeah, it's okay.

That's good.

They're very well behaved.

They're pretty well behaved.

Looking at your presence that you've given me, I'd say that's a DVD.

Yeah.

I'd say that's a book.

Yeah.

And that's probably a panini sticker album.

Is it a golden compass?

No, it's not golden compass.

What did the golden compass Bernini sticker album?

Have another guess.

Go on, I bet you'll never guess which one it is.

It's so funny.

Is it a Bernini sticker album?

It's not Bernini, but it does involve stickers.

It's a sticker album.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I know too much already.

Oh.

I'm not going to say anymore.

All right, listen.

Here's some more music.

And this is another Christmas classic.

I mean, this is probably played on heavy rotation every Christmas now, and quite right, too, because it's one of the loveliest songs.

Ever.

Written.

Whether it's Christmas or not, it's The Pogues and Kirsty McCall.

There we go, that was The Pogues and Kirsty McCall.

Uh, coming up after the news, all sorts of fantastic music and more present opening.

But first, Joy Division with Love Will Tear Us Apart.

I preferred Paul Young's version of that.

From the album No Parlay.

I forgot he did one of that.

One of that.

One of them.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC Six Music.

Very happy Christmas, Saturday morning.

We hope everyone's feeling all Christmasy and warm and loving.

If you're angry about anything, about politics, about maybe the way one of your friends has behaved recently or relatives.

Or what about the way that Al Gore's poisoned the planet?

The way that Al Gore has brought up this whole depressing global warming thing and shoved it down our throats.

Thanks.

It's a silly DVD in its cardboard recycled sleeve.

Thanks for that.

Thanks, Alcor.

Thanks a lot.

The point I was making is just, you know, take a Christmasy chill cake.

A chill cake.

I didn't bring myself to say pill.

And Christmas is the season of cakes.

Yeah.

So a Christmas chill cake was to make in the following way.

Well, it would more likely be a little chill pie, wouldn't it?

A little Christmas chill pie.

A chill pie.

Yeah.

A mincing pie.

A chill pie jetty.

Till by Jetty and Jade goody goody yum yum.

It's just, do you think just saying Chill Pie Chetty is racist?

No.

Could this be a race row?

It could be, if you're lucky, then you'll get famous.

If I concentrate hard enough, it could turn into a race row, so maybe I won't, okay?

Now listen, it's got to be present time, sure.

It's got to be present time.

And I think it's time for me to give you a present, yeah?

No, it's time for you to receive a present from me, because look, I've got... You see, that's because I like giving more than receiving.

Oh.

You see?

So I've heard.

Now...

Wow, which shall I give you?

I'm going to give you this one because you might be able to use this throughout the rest of the show and indeed your life.

Now, this is a book, listeners.

It's rather beautifully wrapped using the classic church fold.

Is that what it's called?

Nope.

A church fold on the top end and the linear flat fold on the bottom.

A church fold.

That is a good name for it because you make, you know, you kind of fold the triangular ends down there.

You've got all the words.

I've got all the words.

I'm unwrapping it.

Now listen to that sound, listeners, because that's the sound that you're going to be hearing in a couple of days' time when you open your presents.

I bet you're jealous of us opening our presents early.

Oh!

So this is a book.

It's a purple book.

It's called The Friendship Book.

Yeah.

And it's not by someone.

It's of someone.

It says The Friendship Book of Francis Gay.

I'm not laughing at the word gaming inside.

And there's a picture of a woodpecker on a sort of a branch of a tree and it says it's got a thought for each day of 2008.

That's fantastic on the back cover.

I always turn to the back cover.

It says in large quotation marks, the friendship book is a glimpse beyond this world and a little bit of heaven on earth.

Are you going to kill me this year?

Well, you never know.

You never know.

That's very exciting.

I'm gonna open it up for Joe Love, your friend Adam.

One Kiss, Christmas 2007.

That's the inscription.

That's very sweet.

It's been inscribed and everything.

He's left the prize on.

£6.50.

Oh no, didn't I?

How much his friendship costs.

It's quite good though, £6.50.

That's quite good, yeah man.

The Inner Sleeves says that day after day the friendship book has a welcoming thought for every reader.

Heartwarming tales and uplifting quotes to inspire for 12 months and to be treasured for much longer, sprinkled throughout our striking images of naked ladies involved in sexual exploits that will boggle the mind.

I made that up.

Sprinkled throughout our striking images of...

Sorry, it's the sparkling wine.

From talented photographers who capture all its best.

Oh, my sight is putting out about the world in which we live.

Okay, sorry.

That's the wheezy laugh.

That is the wheezy laugh.

Okay, let's try and control ourselves and go for a thought.

Pick a day, Ben, our producer, because you seem to be in control.

Pick a day of 2008.

He hasn't even had his... Man, looking at Ben really sobers me up.

Mark's the third.

Okay, uh, it's gonna take me a little while to find that.

Mark's the third.

So just, uh- Each, as far as I can tell, each day- Are you mocking his choice of date?

No, no, no.

My last ludicrous day.

How can you take- My first date!

Is this sarcastic just about a date?

I wasn't being sarcastic about the date.

I was just eating randomly.

But having flicked through the book myself when I bought it, I can tell you listeners that every single day has a little sort of inspiring anecdote or sort of poetic thought for it.

And so let's see what it says from March the 3rd.

Here is a Native American tale.

A Cherokee was teaching his grandson about life.

A struggle is going on inside me.

He said to the youngster, it is a tough one.

It is a tough one.

And it is between two wolves.

One is evil.

He is envy, greed, guilt, resentment, self-pity, lies and false pride.

The other is goodness.

He is joy, serenity, humility, benevolence, truth and compassion.

The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too.

But tell me, which wolf will win?"

the grandson asked.

The one you feed, came the reply.

Wow.

Let's just have some music.

Nobody say anything.

I won't say anything.

Shh.

Think about it.

Have some music.

Think about it.

Oh, this is the, oh no, British Sea Power.

Oh, the waving flag.

Just think about that.

Think about it.

That was British Sea Power with the waving flags, and we left you before them with a beautiful, uh, thought.

A little story, actually, from one of the gifts that Adam gave to me.

Uh, the friendship book of Francis Gay.

And that was a story.

about a Cherokee Indian and it was very moving actually, it was kind of making the point that everybody has, you know, tensions and an envy and greed inside them and also joy and humility inside them and they fight together and the one that wins is the one you feed.

Yeah.

It's saying, my problem is I can't control my feeding times.

Right.

My brain tends to just scatter a handful of food broadly and equally over all areas.

I find it very hard to get the dispensing of the food in the brain right.

I wonder what France is gay would have to say of that.

Um, well, have you, have you tried though?

Are you, are you really definitely trying?

Like, what's your most negative, what's your most negative, uh, trait, personality trait?

Ah, man, that's a big question.

That is a big one, isn't it?

My most negative personality trait.

Do you know what mine is?

What's yours?

Shall I tell you?

What?

It's, uh, probably envy.

And, um...

What's the feeling when you're watching the Oscars and you absolutely hate everyone there?

That's just healthiness.

Or watching the comedy awards.

Not that you can watch the comedy awards, of course.

Just healthiness.

That's just normal.

That's being normal.

That's good.

To hate people who are given awards is a good thing.

I'm not so sure.

Would you like that award yourself?

Well... Would you wish you were being given that award?

I mean, it's unlikely that I'm ever going to be in a position to be nominated or win an Oscar, but still, that doesn't stop me envying all the people there in a kind of insane way.

You're mad.

That's just mad.

You're mad.

That is mad.

That is completely insane.

Well, that's what I'm trying to say.

But Matt, this is a lovely book.

and I really, really will refer to it every... every day.

You should, man.

It's really nice, thank you very much.

For every day he can... Can I just pick another one at random now?

Sure, pick another one at random.

Open up the friendship book at random and see where we're going.

Here's a little short thing for you.

Okay, this is from August, Sunday August the 24th, 2008.

Is this something you've prepared?

You see?

No, I picked this at random.

Okay.

And it came to pass.

It's a nice sniff, thanks.

It's a part of it.

That's a little extra sniff for you there.

And it came to pass that as they went in the way, a certain man said unto him, Lord, I will follow thee whithersoever thou.

Goist.

That one's not so good.

Goist.

It's not so good, is it?

This book's got a hidden agenda.

That's from... He's trying to get me into the clerk.

That's from The Booble.

And that's from Luke 957.

And that's basically... The lesson there is just follow people.

Stalking.

Yeah, follow... If you see a lady you feel is attractive, just follow her.

There we go.

It's going to be my turn for a present very shortly.

That's very exciting.

But first, here is some more music.

And this is something that you chose, isn't it?

Yeah, this is a free play from me, Joe Cornish.

This is by a band called The White Stripes, and this is the closest thing.

Have they done a lot of Christmas-related material?

I feel as if they have, because that whole colour scheme is, of course, quintessentially Christmas.

It is.

It's very Santa-related, the colour scheme.

But here's the closest I could find to a Christmas song from The White Stripes.

This is, I think, a B-side of theirs.

This is called Candy Cane Children.

Lovely stuff.

You can't really argue with that.

Can you I mean you could but you'd be such a be foolish be such a fool?

Solomon John BBC six music.

We're just coming up to 11 o'clock and we should say who that was and say that was Richard Hawley that was taken from one of the Hub sessions in fact from the best of the hub sessions this year various other shows on six music are playing tracks from the hub sessions and that was our one from that that and

You know what?

I figure probably nobody is listening right now.

Because I think everyone's gone to do their last-minute Chrissy shopping.

I'm glad they didn't hear that last thing I said about Richard Hawley, because it was just a sort of rambly mishmash.

Is it okay?

Yeah.

It's all right.

I think everyone's probably doing Kringle shopping.

This has got to be the busiest Saturday of the year.

It's a very important Saturday for the High Street and their, you know, money takings.

Mmm.

Of course.

You're brilliant.

Thanks.

It's been a tough year for the High Street.

Yeah.

due to Al Gore and global warming.

Thanks a lot, Al Gore.

Thanks a lot, Al.

Profits have gone down.

There's looking to be a recession in 08.

The World Banks have had to club together to try and stave off the recession joke.

I don't know why this is funny.

It makes me very serious.

We're laughing because it's so serious.

We can't deal with it.

But it's funny because you're making it up.

I'm not making that.

This is all stuff I read in the papers.

This is all true.

And the High Street's had a very tricky year, so get out there and spend for Britain's sake.

It is comforting, though.

Buy anything, just go and buy one of these.

It's comforting to give bad news in that voice.

Bad news like that?

Yeah.

Yeah, because it makes it sound idiotic.

If you talk about anything bad or give bad news in a funny voice, it does make it a little easier to take.

Do you know what that funny voice is saying?

What?

It's saying that that's the sort of collective opinion of newspapers and stuff, and it's saying that, you know, it's probably not true.

Isn't it my turn for a present now?

It's your turn for a present, Adam.

I'd like to give you, uh... I'd like to give you your... It's tricky.

I don't know whether to... I'm gonna give you your, uh... Yeah, this present.

Here we go.

Now, this is a double header.

There's two presents in here.

Yeah, man.

This is the one that I felt this one earlier.

I felt it up and I surmised that it was a double CD and a book of some kind.

Yeah.

So here we go.

I'm unwrapping.

I was correct about the book.

Oh, and the price is on this one.

£1.50 from Bookends.

And it is... Oh, I was right about the double CD as well.

The book is Billy Piper, The Rollercoaster Life of Britain's Hottest Star.

I know you're a big fan.

Written by Chris Stevens.

Have you got that already?

No, I don't have this one already.

I've bought it for you before.

You left the price on Eamonn Holmes as well.

Both those price tags are part of the design.

Are they?

Yeah.

The double CD is the Autobiography of Eamonn Holmes.

Subtitled This Is My Life.

It's read by Eamonn Holmes.

Now I'm interested to know whether it's divided into chapters and if it is what the chapters are titled.

Because Eamonn Holmes, has he had quite a dramatic and stormy life?

He must have had to deserve an autobiography.

Or has he had a sort of warm... I'm looking at Ben, our producer.

He must have had a crazy life.

He must have had a crazy life, a double CD.

Where did Eamonn Holmes, was he a newsreader to begin with?

Or a gardener?

What's the genesis of Holmes?

I really don't know.

It's all to find out.

Here we go.

I see you've kind of, you've really pinned your colours to the mast, nailed them to the mast, attached them to the mast in some way because you've gone for Holmes, much speedier than Billy.

I've always been slightly fascinated by Eamonn Holmes, I have to admit.

Can we hear some of this Ben?

Can we stick some of that in?

Er... Have a look in the pamphlet, Adam, and bear with us here, listeners.

There isn't an atmosphere of excitement here in the studio, because we do have the Eamonn Hoes.

A triple disc.

How much was it again?

It was, er... four pounds.

Four pounds.

Where'd you get this one from?

I got that in a second-hand bookshop.

We looked through there.

So let's have a look at Eamonn Hoes.

Yes, it is.

Like, track one is called, it was my mum's idea to call me Eamonn, dot, dot, dot.

Track two is called, people have got used to seeing me early, dot, dot, dot.

Er...

Is there one with- Chapter 13 is called my partner Ruth always tells me that she knows dot dot dot that's uh 57 seconds is there a chapter called my drugs hell uh let's let's have a look there's a chapter called we arranged it very quickly it's 19.58 seconds uh there's a chapter called it's strange how people use words that's 30

Seven seconds long.

This is the best gift ever.

Why am I giving this away?

Listen, Ben's loaded up CD-1.

What track on CD-1 should he play?

CD-1.

I would go for... Well, a track nine is called One of the Great Secrets of Life.

Mmm, let's hear that.

One of the great secrets of life is to be happy in what you do.

I often preach to my youngsters, if you don't like animals, don't be a vet.

If you have a bad back, don't stack shelves.

In short, find out what comes easy to you, what your passions are.

I'm in a position where I can preach from experience.

I work long hours, but most of the time it's not like work at all.

Well, I don't know if I'm a schooler in 1978.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough.

My God.

So the gist of that is, what, how is that, how can he call that part of his autobiography?

Because it's wisdom that he's picked up, but it's nice.

Yeah.

Wisdom that's exclusive to Holmes, though.

Well, yeah, but it's good, you know, for people who like Holmes, they might listen to Holmes more readily than they would listen to somebody else.

It's important that he delivers the nuggets of wisdom.

Right.

And what was the thrust of it?

If you don't like animals, don't become a vet.

Don't become a vet.

That's fairly basic stuff, isn't it, Amy?

No.

Have you done it?

Yeah, I've become a vet.

And you hate animals.

I hate animals.

You've been very, very stupid.

I'm such a jerk.

No, Amy Holmes is obviously a lovely chap, and we wouldn't mean to mock him.

I like him.

Hey man, did you ever see him on what's that Rob Brydon show called Annually Retentive?

Sure.

He appeared on that.

He was very good at doing a little Eamonn Holmes cameo as quite a scary, threatening man.

He was brilliant.

Yeah, he's funny.

He's got a cheeky sense of humor, but wow, imagine actually buying that.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, but I gave it to you.

Do you think I'm gonna listen to it?

I think you probably are.

I hope you are.

I am.

You know what I secretly hope?

What?

That we might do a song wars that might involve samples.

Oh, samples.

Good idea.

Yeah.

No, stuff like that is great for long drives, you know.

For longers.

Longers.

Now, I haven't even tackled Billy Piper's autobiography yet.

Well, why don't you

Have a look through it during the next record and we'll read Alexa from that after that.

That's the Smiths with a song by the Smiths What was it called?

It was called what difference does it make what difference does it make?

Sorry?

I was I had my head in the Billy book Yeah, this Adam and Joe on a BBC six music by the way, and it's our Christmas special program We haven't called it special before but I'm now calling it special that could mean anything it could mean it's like awful and

But it also could mean it's great.

And part of the idea of this show is that we give each other presents We've been giving each other presents through the whole show and recently I gave Adam an amazing double whammy Yeah, Eamonn Holmes is 3 CD autobiography set reading stuff about his own life, which was brilliant We had an extract from it earlier and I also gave Adam what did what did I give you?

the Billie Piper biography.

It's not her autobiography.

It was written by Chris Stevens and someone else.

Well, that's always the best, isn't it?

It's kind of muckraking.

It's about the rollercoaster life of Britain's hottest star.

Now, already there is she.

It's been a big year for Piper.

She's been in the French letters of a naughty lady or whatever.

Have you watched any of that show?

Uh, no.

It is surprisingly filthy.

Is it filthy?

It's scandalised the world of genuine prostitutes who say it glamourises the profession.

It certainly does that.

It does that quite well.

No, I haven't watched it at all.

But exciting to be holding that book, hey Adam, and you've been flicking through it during the Smiths there.

Page 142.

Clouds on the horizon.

After a week of convivial living at the Sandy Lane Hotel, Chris got into a steaming row with the barman.

The dispute was petty, overcharges for a round of drinks that Chris couldn't remember ordering.

This is Evans we're talking about, right?

This is Evans.

As Chris's voice rose and guests started to stare, Billy suggested they should just pay the bill and forget it, with rooms at £2,100 a night.

Was the £50 bar tab worth the hassle?

Chris refused.

With the dispute suddenly threatening to wreck the day, Billy asserted herself.

Let's not do this anymore, she said, and paid the whole bill.

According to guests who watched open mouthed in embarrassment, Chris went ballistic.

He accused her of undermining him and shouted at Billy,

until she burst into tears and walked out.

Obama asked Chris to leave a few moments later.

The following day they spent a part with Billy joining friends on a yacht.

That may have been the beginning of the end for the Piper Evans relationship.

What a book.

Does it have pictures?

Oh yes.

I think it's got two sets of pictures.

It's got the young Billy because who can forget she was a little pop stroll.

You know, what was she, 14 when she burst on the pop scene?

Very, very young.

Very young.

Very talented.

Very precocious.

She always wanted to be famous, I remember reading.

Really?

Well, she's done it.

She was one of those girls, you know, people pour scorn on a new generation of youngsters, whose dream it is simply to be famous.

They don't care about what they actually do to be famous.

They just want the fame.

And Billy was one of those people, but she made it happen.

But she's got the talent.

She does have a little... She's got the face.

Slice of talent there.

The talent...

Uh, and she's made very good choices, and that's it.

I hope you enjoy that book, Adam.

Thanks, man.

It's, uh, it looks as if it's gonna be really valuable in my life.

Here's a little more music for you.

Listeners, after this, uh, maybe we'll be doing another present.

Yeah, you need a present, man.

I've got two more for you.

I'm feeling bereft.

Here's a little bit of Winehouse with Love Is A Losing Game.

That's lovely, isn't it?

She's a very talented Winehouse.

She's got a beautiful, beautiful voice and she produces records that sound like instant classics like they've been around for centuries, like the sort of thing your parents or your parents' parents might play you and, you know, they've got a... Timeless quality.

A timeless quality.

That's great, isn't it?

Stop it, Amy.

Take care of yourself.

Pull back.

Whoa, pull back there.

Pull back there from the brink.

Yeah.

Uh, maybe 2008 is the year that she's gonna sort herself out.

Straightens herself out.

Straightness herself up.

She's still, she's still so young.

She's still so young.

How much a laugh ahead of her.

How much a thing.

How waste it Amy.

How waste if I can't come back.

Wipe that jam off your chin.

Wipe it off.

Put on a fresh pair of knickknocks.

And that'll do the trick.

That'll do their job.

Would you like a present?

I'd love a present.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music, of course, and it's our special Christmas special here on a Christmas Saturday.

And I know it's naughty to be opening presents before the big day.

Don't, children, follow our example.

It's very bad.

We're only doing this because we're trained and we're working for the big British castle.

And we're not going to see each other again.

You know, we spend Christmas apart.

You may be disappointed to hear for medical reasons.

But, you know, we're doing this to get you guys excited about the very act of opening presents, and to inspire you to have, you know, a good day shopping for those final, final purchases, or give your mind to charity.

That's true.

Or knitting and making things, if you don't want to become part of the awful, awful, valueless, shallow charade.

This contemporary Christmas, that was a little bit strong.

That was a combination of filling and very strong opinion.

So I'm opening this what I thought what I hoped was gonna be the panini golden compass Sticker album, but no, it's not but I did I currently guess it is a sticker album.

It's certainly very heavily sticker-based Really?

This is exciting.

I haven't had a sticker album for years I was pretty sure that you would enjoy this one.

You know what?

I bought myself a copy of this, too

Oh no.

What do you mean?

It's the Lazy Town sticker album.

And you know, the good thing about it is it comes with stickers.

It's got 80 stickers included, so it's not a kind of invitation to spend money at the news station.

It's complete.

And Lazy Town listeners, everyone knows what Lazy Town is.

It's the crazy kind of global franchise that encourages kids to keep fit.

Uh, and it's, you can't really tell whether it's a cartoon or live action and it's got the guy Sporticus in it.

It's a queasy mix of so many styles and influences.

Wow, that's right.

There's people in suits, there's people in Lycra, it's really odd.

It's Australian, isn't it?

Is it Australian?

I think he's European, actually.

I think he's German, the guy.

Is he?

I think Sportacus is some kind of German guy, yeah.

I would as well.

He smells lovely.

It's lovely.

Australia, you know, it's usually the Australians that come up with that kind of hybrid.

Hey, don't, don't, don't besmirch the Australians.

I'm not besmirch the Europeans.

I'm besmirch the Danes or possibly the Germans.

It smells like Christmas.

Mmm, I don't want to besmirch anyone, I'm saying it out of respect.

You know, I respect LazyTown, it's done very well.

And it sort of took off this year, didn't it?

I mean, we... Oh yeah, it's been taking off for some time and it reached new altitudes.

Yeah, you were aware of it, I remember a few years ago you were talking about LazyTown.

Well, I was ill one week and I turned on the telly in the morning and I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

It was incredible, it was like...

you know, eating every E number at once.

Watching it.

Look at this, it's fantastic.

I wouldn't want to advertise, and I'd like to stress that there are many other sticker scene books available.

Here at the Big British Castle, we don't recommend any individual sticker book album, but this particular one really does hit the Stick It Sticky spot.

It's got the scenes, and they're empty, and then it's got this amazing fold out.

Look at that!

Are you jealous, Ben, the producer?

Are you think- You are slightly jealous, aren't you?

I'm gonna stick these all over your... Are you gonna stick them everywhere?

You know what I would do is frame that.

Would you frame that?

I would frame it where you'd have an awful house.

No, no, no.

Because I have done that before.

It's true, and then you let it date and it sort of becomes a piece of art.

I framed a sheet of stickers from a smash hits, a copy of Smash Hits once.

It was from 20 years ago.

And it seemed a sort of ludicrous, poncy, shoreditch type of thing to do to frame some stickers.

But I'm glad I did because it looks wicked now because it's every year, you know, it's really hard to remember who the people are and every year it becomes harder and harder.

But it's it's sort of I'm gonna do with these what I'm gonna go on the underground And I'm gonna stick them on the handrail of the escalator and you should stick them on some adverts as well I'm not going down that would be a dreadful thing to do and I was being sarcastic because that's a stupid thing to do stupid thing to do What do you think I should do stick them on the adverts when you're going down the underground?

Yeah

I usually just do that with a bit of chewing gum.

Did you see the... Speaking of the handrail on the underground, did you see the YouTube thing of the guy skiing down the handrail?

I've seen a couple of those, yeah.

Have you?

Lands with a bump.

Does he?

I was wondering how he did it, because if you look at the end there, there's no clean exit.

There's just a big box in the same one.

You know, looking at these characters from Lazy Town, I wouldn't let any of these people anywhere near my children.

It's the creepiest show.

If you haven't seen it, folks, you should try and seek it out.

It's on, I can't remember what channel it's on, but it's on, you know, at Tea Time for Children, and it's one of the creepiest shows.

Well, that's very, very signed, Adam.

Well, it's not that great, is it?

But you've got one more present for me coming up.

And vice versa.

Yes, which I will be receiving shortly.

I'm excited about that.

But first, here's some more music.

Now, this is a choice from me, listeners.

Although, you know, it's not exactly obscure, but it's from a great band and it's a sweet song.

It's The Beach Boys with Little Saint Nick.

The simmering resentment boiled over that September day when Chris arrived from London and switched on the telly to watch Golf.

On another occasion, it might not have been a big deal.

What made this different was the offer Billy had recently had of a second Doctor Who series.

She was going to spend another 12 months in Cardiff playing Rose.

And if eight weeks apart had done such damage to her marriage, what would a year do?

Wasn't it kinder to put their relationship out of its misery straight away?

How did he know that from watching golf?

That was an extract from Billy Piper, the rollercoaster life of Britain's hottest star.

We should credit the author by Chris Stevens.

Chris Stevens has spent probably a good six minutes of his life.

Six or seven minutes.

And Joe gave me for a Christmas present.

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

It's our special Christmas, special, special, where we're giving each other special gifts.

Time for a gift for me though, isn't it?

A gift for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true because I got the Lazy Town book.

Let's just do a gift recap.

So far, I've got Stealing Christmas by Brent Holder.

It's an album of kind of, what do you call those things?

Steel drum music.

Steel drum Christmas music.

My first present from Joe was a mouth harp, also known as a jaw harp, and it's beautiful and I stabbed myself in the cheek with it and I'm still bleeding.

I got the Friendship Book of Francis Gay, a book full of things about friendship.

uh from Adam yes I also got uh Eamonn Holmes this is my life read by Eamonn Holmes on three CDs plus Billy Piper the rollercoaster type present when you're a kid did you used to um once you'd uh opened all your presents there's an inevitable air of disappointment isn't there sure there's incredible excitement before you open them then you open them which is an amazingly uh exciting uh uh experience almost erotic almost the undressing of the presents the stripping of the naked and then the enjoying of looking up and down then just like real sex you feel

slightly disappointed afterwards.

Absolutely.

A slight feeling of disappointment and then this is more like a serial killer than someone who's had sex.

I used to organize the presents in a sort of a display.

Definitely.

I'd take them up to my room and I'd kind of organize them as if it was a Harrods shop window or something and then I'd take my trousers off.

and do a little dance, a dance of love in front of the presents.

Did you used to do that kind of thing?

Sure, I did.

Yeah, definitely.

Arrange them all on top of each other and stuff.

So it looked just like a sort of mad explosion.

I tell you what it was probably pivoting on was kind of, you know, the generation game or a game show or three, two, one, or one of those games where you'd won a lot of prizes.

And at the end, they'd be wheeled out on a trolley all around.

Beautifully presented.

Is that kind of effect we were going for?

As if the year was a big game show, Christmas was the moment just before the closing credits and you were reaping your awards for that.

Would you get your ma to come in in a skimpy little outfit there?

No, I'd get your mum to come in in a skimpy little outfit.

Thank you.

You're asking for that?

Another present?

Or some music first?

Could I please have a present, please?

Okay, here's a present.

This is one that you can get going during the next record.

Adam has already sort of guessed that this might be a pair of headphones or something.

It's in a quite large case.

It's in a plastic, what do you call it, kind of firm.

There's a name for those plastics, isn't there?

Yeah, sort of moulded... Yeah, I can't remember what it is.

These are sort of impossible to open these things.

Do you reckon I'm going to be able to open it?

I can see, listeners, the hairy, silly face of Noel Edmonds peeking out at me from the top of the... If television was a religion, Noel would be God.

Joe has got me the deal or no deal electronic pocket game.

Yeah, because we're gonna play around.

Priced $9.99 as the helpful price.

You know what?

It's the biggest hit of the year on telly, or maybe last year, I can't remember.

And if we play it on this show, the ratings are gonna rock it.

This will become a granny magnet.

We might get sued.

Well, listen, let's figure out how to play this thing.

We won't get sued, will we?

Well, we won't.

No, the big British castle might.

It might be another nail.

Matt, I'll tell you what we're doing, we're reviewing it.

In the coffin, we're reviewing it.

We're commenting on it in a fair way, and we're reviewing the deal or no deal electronic game.

Let's have some music while Adam plugs it in.

Are you excited?

Yeah, but has it got parties in it?

You know your face looked like the face of a tiny, excited child just there.

I am excited, but have you put batteries in it?

Uh, toys have to come with batteries these days.

It's the law.

No, they don't.

That was during the Blair years.

No, they haven't changed the law.

I think they might have done.

Oh, come on.

It comes with batteries.

Open it.

They banned smoking and... Here, give it to me.

Well, they tell by the way.

You need a Phillips screwdriver to get the battery back.

Oh, God.

It's one of those ludicrous things they do now.

You know the two twin nightmares of modern presents?

If you're buying a present for a child like a plastic digger or something, it takes you 20 minutes to take all the twizzle ties off.

Yeah, little metal twizzles.

True.

And then the other thing is- I thought it was against the law to give a toy without batteries.

I thought it was too, but not anymore, man.

Not anymore.

They kind of changed it, switched it back.

Do you tell me Gordon Blair turned it back?

It was Blair struck a blow for batteries.

Brown.

perhaps reverse the battery law this is shocking because the other thing is I was gonna say that the other miserable thing about gifts is when they've got a battery pack that's got batteries they've got a back like the the open the door for the battery case I can't speak but it's got a little screw in it you need you need a Phillips screwdriver to open the battery flap kidding me there's no way we're gonna get this thing up and running we're shaft we haven't there's anyone got a Phillips screwdriver here

No.

Someone will have one.

We've got three minutes or so to do this.

How long have we got?

We've got two minutes 45.

Is it the Happy Mondays next?

We've only got two minutes 45.

Here's the Happy Mondays with Lazy Itis.

Scramble!

That's Lazy Itis by the Happy Mondays.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC 6 Music.

It's the 22nd of December 2007 and this is our Christmas.

party that Joe and I are having.

Yeah.

If you are disturbed by the crackling sound in the background there, listeners, don't worry, the big British castle isn't on fire.

We've just got a lovely little fire going to complete the cosy Christmas scene and we've been giving one another presents and I've just given Adam one of the greatest presents ever bought for anybody ever.

Yes, the deal or no deal electronic game.

Once again, we must stress that many other electronic games are available on the market.

This is merely one that was chosen at random on the way in in a desperate bid to buy a decent present.

This just happens to be an electronic game.

There's no, uh, uh, noises.

I thought it would have noises, I thought it would have samples of Knoll saying stuff like, um, welcome to the dream factory, and come and sit in a crazy chair.

Do you think so?

And all that kind of stuff that he says.

But there is a quote from Knoll on the box, it says, what does Knoll think?

Quote, in this Palm Top deal on No Deal Game, each time you pick a box, you open the lid and see what's in it, with all the tension and excitement of the real game, the only thing that's missing is me.

Ah.

Which is quite a big factor in the whole success.

Well, it would be much too expensive if he came with the game.

It's true.

Listen, we'll be playing some of that later.

But without Noel, you're kind of reduced to just picking 20 boxes very quickly.

Come on, I'll do, Noel.

It's time for the news.

Oh man, I'm already hungover.

I've only had two glasses of Prosecco.

Well, like an old tramp.

And that provides a very good segue into telling you that was Baby Shambles with YouTalk.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music coming into the last half hour of our special Christmas Saturday show.

Very Merry Christmas to all our listeners.

And we've been giving each other presents.

I just gave Adam a terrific present, even though I say it myself, but I'm a little disappointed that

The electronic deal or no deal pocket game, which I've just given him, doesn't make any noises and doesn't have any batteries.

We had to go and have a little hunt, not only for batteries, but for a Phillips screwdriver to get the battery cover up.

And this is a warning from history, similar to the one the BBC gave you about the Nazis.

Was that the BBC?

It's actually dissimilar, but same kind of words used.

Could take a warning.

It contains a warning.

Do have spare batteries and a whole range of different screwdrivers ready for Christmas Day.

Absolutely.

In fact, wouldn't that be nice?

Make the first gift.

Some batteries and a screwdriver.

A Christmas backup pack.

Exactly.

For Dad.

For Dad, yeah.

For Chulot.

A mum?

I should have a scented candle.

Because mums love that kind of thing.

And she'd have a special bar.

Exactly.

So here we go, we're going to review the deal on no-deal electronic game.

Switching on the machine, we will remind you that many other electronic games are available, but this is the one that happened to be on sale.

Now, first thing that I'm noticing here is that the display for the deal or no-deal electronic game is not that lit.

It's not illuminated, so you do have to play it with a bright light source.

Yeah, and so let's go.

Let's let's let's play the game.

Let's play it like a proper game of deal or no deal You've been randomly selected.

So come and take your seat Adam Have you bought some little photos with you of members of your family?

Yes, it is a photo of my wife Graham And this is a photo here of my first dog called Barbara

And, uh, how much money are you hoping to win?

Oh, all of it, the full whack!

The full... Full million pounds!

It's only a quarter of a million, I'm afraid.

You what?

It's only a quarter of a million.

A quarter of a million?!

Yes, 250,000 pounds.

Alright, then, I'll have that.

What will you do with that money as you win it?

Bend it on the flying!

Spin it on flying.

Yes, I wanna fly around.

What, in a plane?

Flying lessons?

Yeah, flying lessons.

Just in a plane, I wanna go back and forth.

Okay, there we go.

So, uh, welcome to the, um, the dream factory.

Thank you.

You've taken your seat in the crazy chair.

Yeah.

Stand by east wing, stand by west wing.

What do I do first?

Uh, pick a box.

Okay, I'm picking box 10.

It is his picked box 10.

And now let's just fast-forward through the game.

Presumably we don't have to deal with all of, uh, Noel's ramblings and mutterings.

I'm picking another box now, box 18.

So box 10, the first box you pick, it doesn't matter, right?

That's the one you've chosen, that's the sum of money you've selected.

Oh my lord, I just picked that at random, I didn't even remember.

That's alright, well, what logic could you possibly use?

That's the thing about deal or no deal, there is no logic.

Absolutely true.

It's pure luck.

Right, I'm picking box 2, number 18 I'm going for.

Right, this game is going to continue while we hear a track that I've chosen.

It's a free play.

It's by Vince Guaraldi.

This is the music that was used on the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

One pay!

It was also used on the Royal Tenenbaum soundtrack.

That's good.

It's a blue number.

That's a good one.

Blue, blue, blue, blue.

We're going to pick another box now, just for the song.

Pick a number two.

What have you got?

Oh, £200.

That's not bad.

Is that blue?

Can you tell what the colours are?

No.

This is not a very good game, is it?

Splendid stuff.

Vince Guaraldi with Christmas Time is here, featured in Charlie Brown and also on the soundtrack of the Royal Denon Bounds.

You join us at the climax of our present giving fiesta we've had here on our special Saturday Christmas show.

I gave Adam the deal or no deal electronic game just now.

Which has disappointed us, it didn't come with batteries.

You needed an obscure screwdriver to open it.

The keyboard is not illuminated, it makes no sounds.

And it says in the box it's for one or more players, but how can more than one person play that?

Well, one person could deal with the banker, and the other person could deal with the boxes.

No, bankers are automatic though.

Yeah, it's a lie.

The packaging's full of lies.

That's merely my opinion.

But Adam, down to his last three boxes, right?

Yeah.

What sums are left on the board?

I've only got... 15 grand is the life I could win.

10 grand, 5 grand and 1 pound.

15, 10, 5 grand and 1 pound.

Yeah.

That's not so good, is it?

What, 10 pounds?

What?

10,000 or 10 pounds?

10,000 quid.

10,000, so you've still got two reds.

Five grand blues.

10 grand.

So go on, open them boxes.

All right, I'm opening box four, no.

What's inside it?

Good luck, good luck.

Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue.

Five thousand.

Five thousand?

I've only got three boxes left, no.

One pound, 10,000.

Five thousand?

10, 15,000.

I'm going for box number one, no.

Blue!

Is this good radio?

Ohhhh!

Ten thousand dollar.

It's very popular television.

Surely it's good radio.

I've only got one box left.

Thousands of retired people are tuning in as we speak, magnetically drawn.

No, I've got my own box.

Have you got two boxes left?

I've got my own box.

How can you just have one box left?

I've got my own box and the last box.

Okay, so what's the... The last box is number three.

What are the two sums left on the board?

£1 and £15,000.

Well, that's still a life-changing sum for someone like you.

No, the banker's offering me £7,501.

7,501 pounds.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to play, no.

You're gonna not accept the offer?

No, I don't accept it.

No, hang on.

Deal or no deal?

No deal.

There you go.

Go away.

Right.

Please open box number three.

Or my own box.

Which one shall I open?

Oh, you've got to open your... If you're not taking the deal, then you open your own box, don't you?

No, I can choose, I think.

I don't know.

No, open the one that isn't yours, actually, first.

I don't understand the game.

I've watched it so many times.

Forgot night!

Well, I opened...

I don't understand what's happening.

I opened the- I opened box number three and it's the $150,000.

Really?

No, it's the $15,000.

It's the $15,000.

Please smash it.

We always smash something.

Let's listen to this.

Smash it on the edge of the desk here.

Oh really?

This is the deal or no deal electronic game.

I'm actually gonna smash it, am I?

Yes, smash it.

Of course you're gonna smash it.

Smash it.

It's quite sturdy.

Smash it.

I'm worried it's gonna break the desk.

Here we go.

Listen.

Hard.

Oh!

Flippin' it.

Wow.

I had to protect my eyes from that stamp on it.

Hang on.

Oh, this is terrible.

Some child might like that.

I've smashed the display.

Look at the display.

That is dangerous, man.

It's glass they've got on here, not plastic.

It's glass full of chemicals.

This game's a death trap.

That's our opinion, not the opinion of the big British castle.

Other electronic games which are death traps are available.

We've attempted to smash it.

It's leaking toxic fluids.

Adam's right hand is melting.

He's blind in one eye.

There you go.

Ideal gift for all the family.

Here's a bit of Prince.

This is a Christmas-y song if you live a dirty life.

It's called Get Off.

That was the purple prompts with Get Off.

Get off me.

How many 52 positions in a one-night stand?

Yeah.

Oh my lord.

It's a lot of provisions.

I've got more.

Have you?

Yeah.

I've only got one.

Really?

Yeah.

Standing up.

By the door.

Often to be let in.

It's Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music coming up towards the close of our special Christmas show.

Hey thanks for listening everybody.

It's been a present giving fiesta here.

I've still got one more present.

We were just imagining during the Filthy Prince music there that almost certainly someone out there in Big British Castleland will be disgusted at the fact that we smashed one of the presents, but we were angered by the deal on a deal electronic game.

It violated several rules of presents.

I need not recap, but, you know, the batteries in there.

And the screwdriver.

But here's what we're gonna do.

Even though there's no reason why we should, we're gonna give the money that Joe paid for that game to HMV.

To HMV.

I already did.

To a little thin boy with acne at HMV who works behind the counter there.

That's me.

And he needs that money.

Okay, so that's what we're gonna do to make it right.

Okay.

Now here's the last present.

This is a present from myself to Joe Cornish.

He's already correctly surmised that it's a DVD, but that's what it means.

Will he have it already?

Almost certainly.

What do you buy someone like Joe Cornish?

I've got thousands of DVDs.

What could you possibly get him that he hasn't seen?

I think maybe he has seen this.

Is this a proper present?

Yeah.

Is it a joke or is it a real?

A little bit of both.

But, you know what I'm gonna do?

You know what I sometimes like to do with presents?

I like to close my eyes and unwrap them, and then hold it in front of my face.

But do you remember last year I got you?

My eyes closed.

Do you remember last year when I got you?

I'm so excited.

I got... I can't remember.

I got you a dirty DVD.

Oh, did you?

Yeah.

But it was art dirt.

The worst kind of dirt there is.

I technically... Oh, yes, you got me nine songs.

Nine songs.

I still haven't watched it.

Have you?

I'm not surprised.

No, I kind of want to watch it though.

So, this year I got you.

Here we go.

Oh, no.

You know what?

Now, this is a Christmas quandary.

This is a Christmas quandary.

She's got it.

Don't listen to this, Adam.

Listen, I've got this one.

What do I say?

Do I tell him I've already got it?

Listen, if he's got it, the best thing to do is give it right back to me.

Really?

Or should I lie?

I'm going to lie.

Listeners, don't tell Joe.

Brilliant!

No, listen.

Oh, Districted, the dirty compilation art film with short films by Larry Clark and Gasper Noe and Matthew Barney.

Oh, thank you.

I don't have it.

Oh, great.

I do not have it.

Oh, cool.

I don't have it.

Listeners, don't tell Joe, but I just picked it out of my own shelf.

Before I left the house, I bought it a few months ago and it's such rubbish.

I just thought I'd give it to him and I didn't care.

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

So I'm hoping he's going to give it back to me.

That's terrific.

Listen, don't tell Adam, but I'm just going to re-wrap it and give it to Ben, the producer.

He looks a bit lonely.

He might need some company over Christmas.

Hey, who's this?

It's Big Audio Dynamite with Medicine Show.

Enjoy, and folks, incidentally, thank you so much for sticking with us for our Christmas party here on BBC Six Music.

Yeah, you know, we really appreciate everyone who's listened, and we'll be back with you after Christmas.

Have a terrific Christmas Day and all that business.