The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam And Joe (03 November 2007)

That's James with Sit Down.

That single spent four weeks at number two in 1991, but was kept off the top spot by Chesney Hawks with the one and only, justifiably so.

Yeah, well, Chesney song towers over that effort.

It was the best Chesney song.

What was the other Chesney song?

There was only one Chesney song.

No, there was.

He had one other hit.

Yeah, but it didn't really sort of register, did it?

Didn't resonate in the same way that I am.

You can't have more than one song if your song's called The One and Only.

Who wrote The One and Only?

Was it Nick Kershaw?

I don't know, we'll find out.

Or Roger Daltrey?

No, Roger Daltrey was in the film.

It was Daltrey and Kershaw.

Right.

Was it?

Hi, this is Adam Buxton, incidentally.

Hey, my name's Joe Cornish.

We're Adam and Joe, and welcome to our Saturday morning show here on Six Music.

And we've got good news for you listeners.

It's a beautiful day.

Yeah.

Apparently, all the way across England, it's balmy, sunshine, there are beautiful russet and burgundy leaves.

Sort of flip-flopping, lazily through the air.

You know, I love the russet leaves.

More than the burgundy.

I don't like the burgundy leaves so much.

And the yellow ones, what would you call them?

Leaves.

They're a disgrace.

But watch out for dog plops.

Oh yes.

Under the leaves.

Would you run through a pile of leaves?

What do you

That's right.

What a horrible way to start the show.

Kind of counterbalanced by our beautiful Hawaiian tropical sound effects there in the background.

There's a soothing bed for you for this opening link.

And I should say, folks, that we've got a great show coming up.

We've got all sorts of stuff coming up.

I've changed.

I have to go to the loo and cough it out.

Don't do that.

Sorry.

I didn't realise you were actually being serious.

We're talking about stuff coming up.

Don't carry on talking about it.

Keep going.

Uh, I was gonna say that I've changed the jingle for Song Wars.

You've changed generally.

I've generally changed.

I've changed a lot this week.

I've had a haircut.

I've changed the jingle for Song Wars.

You've got two new jingles to choose from.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

We're gonna hear those throughout the show.

So the Star Wars one has been rejected.

I destroyed the Star Wars one.

Really?

Yeah, I burnt that.

Trash compacted it.

I burnt it because it is burnt.

But burnt it?

Yeah, burnt it.

When you really burnt something, it's burnt it and it was a disgrace.

Anyway, you'll be hearing those a bit later on.

I think the word is brunt.

Yeah, and also, of course, we'll be asking you to text the nation or we'll be playing text the nation at Britain's favourite segment and song wars and loads of great music.

In this hour alone, we've got some new young pony club, some staple singers, some LCD sound system.

What an eclectic mix and the kind of mix you'd only find here on BBC Six Music.

That's right.

But right now, here's Super Furry Animals with Runaway.

Super furry animals there with run away.

How did you enjoy the chord change at the end there, Joe?

Was it a modulation?

It was a modulation, wasn't it?

Yeah.

It was nice.

I liked it a lot.

Not a chord change, but a key change.

No, there were several chord changes in the song.

Yeah, you gotta have them.

You know, otherwise you'll end up with... Otherwise you'll just have one chord.

Exactly.

No one can do that.

Well... Apart from Robert Palmer.

Robert Palmer, was he the king of the one quarter?

Uh, yeah, he did that song, wasn't it, called You're All Good Loving the World or something?

That's how the lyrics went, and it was just one note.

Really?

Yeah, but not lyrically, but the music.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, that doesn't surprise me.

How do you know about Robert Palmer?

Because he's good.

He's good, he's not good.

He had good moments.

Addicted to love, that was his moment in The Sun.

Well, that was his hit, but often you'll find people's hits aren't their best moments.

All right, you didn't know that, did you Adam?

Adam's mind has melted, it's seeping out of his ears onto the floor into a little puddle.

Sometimes people's hits are not their best moments.

Like the charts, they're not the 10 best songs currently available.

I know, the number one song isn't actually, well sometimes it is, but most often it isn't actually the best song.

Sometimes it's the worst.

It's hard to get your head round, isn't it?

But the people who... Yeah, you know, anyway, we can talk about that more.

You know, we don't want to unload too much mind-frazzling info on the listeners.

No, speaking of mind-frazzling info, though, you may remember, if you listened last week to our first song, the first show even, that we unveiled a new jingle for a new segment, which is called Song Wars.

And this is a segment where Joe and myself

are pitched in battle against each other, playing songs that we have written that week ourselves, written and recorded ourselves on a set theme.

And we had an introductory jingle that was based on the music from the film Star Wars last week, and it was bad.

It's fair to say that it was not that.

It had a certain charm, I think.

I mean, I wasn't responsible for

No, no, I was responsible for it.

The charm came mainly from the John Williams score, the magnificent John Williams music.

And I sort of... Over which you sung... Yeah.

Yeah.

It was good, man.

Do we still have it?

We don't want to play it again.

We still got it.

We don't want to play it again.

Play the first ten seconds to remind people.

It was horrible.

It was absolutely horrible.

Well, this is the good bit.

Can't go wrong with this.

It's time for song.

See, now you can stop it now.

Stop it now.

Stop it.

Thank you.

That was horrible.

That's a taster of how, how bad it was.

So I tried to strip things down this week and give you a new jingle.

Do you know what I mean?

And I'm gonna, I pledge, here's my formal pledge to the listeners and to you, Joe Cornish.

I'm going to continue to make new jingles.

Really?

For song wars until I get it right.

Every week.

Bojangles.

Even if I don't get it right, I'm going to carry on.

Just this week alone, I've got two new jingles.

That's where the expression Bojangles comes from.

It is.

That's what Neil Diamond was talking about when he wrote the song.

And I would like to unveil for you the first of this week's two new jingles for Song Wars right now.

To the listener test, so check it out.

Yeah?

What do you think?

Prongs.

Well, you didn't necessarily have to... I knew you were going to mention that word as soon as it finished.

I don't... Well, it's like... Don't focus on the prongs.

It was really good, man.

It had a touch of flight of the concords about it.

Yeah, I suppose.

And a touch of concords.

Uh-huh.

It's no bad thing.

What's a prong?

Well, it's like the working... It's the business end of a fork.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I was thinking about this.

You know like, you know, forks for digging the garden and also fork for eating your food?

They have prongs.

But why do you refer to a similar thing on a comb as a tooth?

When does like a prong become a tooth?

You know, because the size, you could say it was just about size, but the size differential between a garden

you know uh fork and an actual eating fork that's massive should we have some music but the size between an eating fork let's let's come back to that so song man that was really good i think we're overloaded i think this link's overloaded i think we should go to some music and cut and come back for the for the song wars you can't just play that introductory jingles we've got new jingle and we've got the clips

Yeah, but the new jingle is for the segment where we play the clips.

Alright, okay.

So that's a brilliant new jingle.

Thank you.

Right, so the theme this week for Song Wars is public transport.

It was suggested by one of our listeners.

It was.

Do we know that person's name?

Well, we'll get our man to find out the name of that person so they can get the correct respect.

I was going to make up a name just then, but I remembered that if I made one up, I'd be instantly vaporised.

Big British castle.

You'd be kicked out of the sluice gate.

Yeah.

Into the moat.

That's right.

Big British castle, deservedly.

So here we go.

We've got two songs.

We'd like you to call and text.

Not call, no.

Just text and email your votes for which of these two songs you would like to hear the whole of.

The text number is six.

What is it, Jude?

is 64046.

Text Adam or Joe.

You can just text AD or Joe, JO.

Depending on which one of these clips you want to hear the whole thing of.

We'll be playing the full winner towards the end of the show at noon.

We'll play the full one of both of them.

It's just a question of who wins.

Okay, it's a battle.

Here we go.

And you can email AdamandJoe.6musicatpbc.co.uk.

Here's song number one.

Whose song is this?

This is my song, Joe's song.

Now, this is a kind of a, a, a Ben Folds Five style song.

Uh-huh.

And it's, it's simply called The Public Transport Song.

That's your song.

That's my song.

That's Adam's song.

That's my song.

I was going to ask you, do you have a name for your band?

No, I don't.

You've got to have a name.

It's just me.

It's just Joe Cornish.

Yeah.

MCJC.

JC and the Sunshine Band.

Okay.

Yeah?

Are you ready with JC and the Sunshine Band?

Here we go.

9.30 on the 1.33.

Some kids are throwing chips and causing misery.

I stand up to say

Yeah, a little bit violent.

That's right.

It's been for five meets Chas and Dave.

Yes.

Yeah.

I'm happy with that.

In a good way.

And sweet.

So that's Joe's song.

If you want to hear that one, text 64046, text Joe to 64046.

Here's a clip from Adam's song.

My mobile comes with tiny speakers in it.

If you're low, then you should win it.

Check these out in just one minute.

It's going to be a party on the bus.

Hey!

That's called Tiny Mobile Speakers, and that's by Scallywag.

Is it?

Yeah.

Hey, Scallywag's done some work before.

He has.

On some of our previous shows.

Shall we let that sink in?

And we're going to play some music right now while those tracks sink in.

We'll remind you later on of both those tracks for Song Wars.

But right now, here is a track that I picked for you listeners.

I hope you enjoyed this.

It's from the Cures album Seventeen Seconds, and it's called Play For Today.

It's like that.

We're doing an intervention.

Yeah, that's Run DMC.

That's a bit of prehistoric hip-hop.

It's from 1983 and hip-hop's come along so far since then that that song has been retired.

Yeah.

And that's the last time you'll ever hear it.

It's been shut down.

It's been boarded up.

On the radio.

Yeah, there's just like a game.

They're turning it into a Starbucks.

There's a game.

Kids living in it.

Really?

Yeah.

Some Smackies.

Yeah, and they're getting them out to turn into a Starbucks.

Really?

Hey, some people have texted us, uh, uh, pointing out that, you know, I'm saying that it's, it's blue skies and beautiful, uh, in England at the moment.

And, and of course in Wales and Scotland, maybe it isn't.

Um, and some people are kind of thinking that we're, or, or, or I'm being London centric.

Oh, and I know that sir.

Justifiably saw point with, with, um,

people, you know, who are annoyed at the media, being based in the south.

Yeah.

All of us.

And the big, particularly the big British castle criticized this week for being too London-centric.

There you go.

But it's dividing.

They're building new castles in other areas of Britain.

Yeah.

Just like the Normans.

So that's okay, but I do apologize.

I was merely hoping that the whole of this great country of ours was enjoying the same weather that we're privileged to have here in sloppy, conceited southern London.

so we're we're yeah we're wishing sunshine on the whole of the septic aisle yeah um i love the fact that we're national that we're nationally broadcast exactly well it's a lovely morning here in london town hey let me tell you although cold um and uh i've been having

A sleepless time though, I have to tell you.

Yeah, Adam's been up since 3 this morning.

He couldn't sleep.

Went to bed at 11.

I don't know if it was maybe just excitement about doing the show this morning.

It was a little bit of excitement.

Is that possible?

Yeah.

Also, it was maybe something I ate.

I'm not sure what.

Or maybe you ate some excitement.

I could have eaten too much excitement.

That could have been exactly what it was.

But one thing that I wanted to do throughout the night was

check the kitchen, right?

Because do you remember last week I was talking about the mouse problems I've been having?

There's a lot of mice in the kitchen, all over the house more or less, as far as I can tell, leaving little bits of mouse nonsense everywhere and it was freaking me out because it was getting in the muesli and it's very hard to tell mouse nonsense from muesli etc.

Anyway, I thought, right, I'm going to do something about this problem.

So I went out this week.

This is before calling Arnold Schwarzenegger, right?

Ah, the ex-terminator.

That's a little joke for you.

He's the ex-terminator.

Oh, nice one.

Yeah.

I thought I'd slip it in.

Don't usually do jokes.

Don't slip it in.

Won't be doing that anymore.

Anyway, so before calling the ex-terminator, I thought, I'm going to try and sort this problem myself.

So I went out and got some mouse traps.

Have you ever bought mouse traps?

uh yeah have you really yeah they're frightening though don't you find because i've bought the little wooden ones they're slightly medieval they're very medieval i mean that's that's an ancient one that uses a bit of peanut butter to lure them into a into a closed room right well we used that the ones that the exterminators put down other sort of tubes with poison in them and stuff and

I thought it would be nice to go the old-fashioned route, but just setting these things is terrifying in itself, you know what I mean?

And they, like, it's just on a hair trigger, this thing.

And you put it down, you have to bend the kind of killing bar back, and it's all very, very...

you know, minutely weighted, so that the slightest bit of pressure on the pad will snapshot on the mouse.

So it's now, it almost chopped my fingers off a couple of times, it was terrifying.

And I had it in my head as well, like, uh, since I was a kid that... You had it in your head?

No, listen, that since I was a child, it had been drilled into me that if you go anywhere... It was drilled into you?

There's no point in me talking, is there?

Sorry, no, I am following.

You know, it'd been drilled into me that if you put your finger in a mousetrap, you're going to lose your fingers.

Absolutely, by Tom and Jerry cartoons.

Yeah, exactly.

So it was, you know, just a horrible nerve wracking process.

Anyway, I'm glad to say that I caught one very quickly, like pretty much 10 minutes after I set the trap.

Yeah.

I had one in there, squeaking away.

But he wasn't dead.

He was very much alive.

He was just caught by his tail.

Oh.

So what would you have done?

What would I have done?

I would have talked to it and just explained the situation, tried to reason with it, you know.

No need to go straight to war.

That's got everybody into trouble before.

Yeah.

Push diplomacy as far as it can go.

But I had him right there and, you know, these guys are making my life a misery and I hate them.

But, uh, at the same time I was thinking, this is a little chap, he's probably got a name, and he's on a kind of a family adventure.

And, you know what I mean?

So I've- I had to let him go.

Fievel, it could have been Fievel!

Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

Going south, Fievel goes south under- And they are very sweet.

That's the thing, when you're staring at the little chap, I felt really sorry for him.

I felt like the most evil man in the world.

So I had to let him go.

We've had a great email about some mouse problems from a listener, and don't forget, you can email us at any time in the show, Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk, or text 64046.

It's now time for the news read by Catherine Cracknell.

The lyric of that song sounds like so many things other than bandages.

Like what?

Well, bag of chips, somebody's texted in.

It also sounds like something quite rude.

Oh, dear.

it does yeah i'm merely observing that uh you know there's a thing you know if i was young and when i was young i often misunderstood the lyrics to song sir i'd be all over the place with that one yeah yeah you'd be delighted i'd be delighted now i can back

of something else.

We were talking before about mice and Joe mentioned that we had a very nice email from Steve.

Steve Dugan.

Hi, how are you doing Steve?

Thanks a lot for listening to the show and thanks for emailing us with this amazing story which I will prasee here.

Steve also had mouse problems.

One night I was working late, says Steve, I worked from home.

I heard a scuttling noise behind me and turned to see a tiny mouse running along the top of the cooker.

Uh, this was a first.

I had no idea how it got up there.

But before I could catch it, it scurried down the back and was gone.

Had the same thing just this morning, Steve.

I can relate to that.

It's a horrible feeling.

You're totally powerless.

A bit disconcerted, I went back to work.

Some hours later, I stopped for a midnight snack.

So I stuck the kettle on and popped a slice of bread into the toaster.

A minute later, there was a strange smell.

I presumed the toast was burning and went over to investigate.

Halfway across the room, I realized it wasn't the toast I could smell, but singed fur.

By this time I put two and two together, flipped the toaster off and nervously pulled out the toast.

Running down, its length were two dark lines, which on closer examination turned out to be charred fur.

Ah, the little mouse.

You say, ah, ah, ah.

I'm thinking, nice.

Got one.

Sweet.

Result.

Well done, Steve.

He says, I had no more trouble with mice.

It was as if they all knew that this was the kitchen of death, and they stayed away.

I also had a replacement toaster handy, which I promptly used.

And although I always intended to chuck out the toaster of death, I never did.

I left it there for the next tenant, which I feel a bit bad about, says Steve.

I wonder what mouse on toast tastes like.

uh well for to me it would taste sweet a little bit like revenge a little bit furry yeah like sweet furry revenge yeah there you go listen uh coming up after the next track we're going to be playing the nation's favorite interactive feature yeah tex the nation stay tuned for that but right now here is uh someone great by lcd sound system enjoy

Text the Nation!

Text!

Text the Nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the Nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text!

Yes, it's time for Text the Nation, the nation's favourite interactive feature on any media anywhere in the country.

It's not a competition.

It's a happening.

It's just a thing.

And that thing I just said about it being the nation's most popular interactive segment is not true.

It might be true.

It's not true.

It might be.

It's not true.

It can't be.

What do you think it is?

What is it?

The nation's favourite interactive feature used to be Ant and Dex Push a Piggy.

Whatever it is called.

A big pink piggy push.

Now of course things have changed.

Now of course they're going to be in jail for 25 years.

Now the nation's favourite interactive feature...

You're not going to say something wrong, aren't you?

No, I don't know.

But this week now, it's important to realise that we don't just make up this text the nation thing.

It's given to us by Gordon Brown.

That's true.

The number 10 Downing Street posts us a question every week, and it's always something that the government want to find out about the people of the country.

They use it as a think tank.

This week, they want to find out

exactly how stupid everybody is.

That's right.

So they can work out what policies they can get away with.

Yeah?

Yeah.

This week's textination is all about the stupidest things or thing you have ever done.

It's quite broad.

For instance, I've written a list, Adam.

Have you?

And this is just off the top of my head.

This is a list of 14 stupid things I've done.

Fourteen.

Good one.

Handing it over there to Adam.

Let's have a look.

He hasn't seen this list.

Some of them I actually don't want you to read out.

I'll show you.

I've only got three there.

Really?

Well, they're absolute stupidest things.

This is like, mine is like, they're in no particular order, but I'd say they're 14 of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life.

You can read some of them out.

Number three.

I drew armpit hair under my arms with a burnt bit of cork because I didn't have any armpit hair and I wanted some.

Was this recent?

No, that's quite good agreed to host the cure wards.

That's right.

Well, I Voted for Tony Blair.

Yeah.

Yeah, you get political.

Yes.

Well, go on here's some of Adams He's only got a list of three stupid things he's ever done.

Number two is tried to lick the back of a metal ice tray Yeah, we'll come back to that in more detail Mixed bleach and cleaning fluid in the sink for an experiment.

Yeah

Is number three so but listen the point of this listeners is is to get you to text in the stupidest thing you've ever done Or email it the text number is six four zero four six the email is Adam and Joe all one word and the word a and d rather than a sand dot six music at BBC dot-co dot UK Yeah, no some of these.

I think are just cool that you've got on your list and

Don't read them all out.

No, I won't.

But, uh... No, maybe I shouldn't even read that one out because... Which one is it?

Go to jail for that one.

You know, the Degar one.

Oh yeah, no, read that one out.

Tried to pick a piece of paint, like a bauble of paint, off a original haystack by Degar.

We can tell you more.

That was both of us, wasn't it, Eddie?

Yeah.

We've probably spoken about that before.

I don't think we have.

uh and we'll tell you a bit we tried to that's a terrible thing to confess to but remember listeners we didn't succeed and we were quite young and stupid and we were drunk the dagger is intact uh we were we were at a posh house like a really posh house they had these they had these hanging in but like they had amazing bits like uh money and mani we were at a painting we were drunk we were about 4 15 yeah

and we thought it would be clever to maybe try and pick some paint off the Degas, which actually, in retrospect, is an awful thing to do.

It's not very good, is it?

Absolutely dreadful, but we didn't do it, and all we did was pathetically, sort of, sort of, tweak it with a fingernail.

We licked it in the end.

We licked it, we kissed it.

We licked the Degas.

Anyway, that's pretty stupid.

Send us your stupidest things.

It's not a competition, it's just a sort of a survey, but we might select our favourite.

Uh, and you've won in a sort of an emotional way.

No, you haven't.

No, there's no winning.

There's absolutely- You're not distinguished in any respect whatsoever.

Everyone's the same.

Yeah.

It's, it's, it's by no means any kind of- Here in Stalinist Britain.

Meritocracy.

Um, we're gonna hear some more of the things on Joe's list of stupid things in just a moment.

Uh, but right now, here is a track that we tried to play last week, but it went wrong because it turned out to be the instrumental version.

That's right.

This is a great track.

Uh, this is from, uh, Talib Kwale's album.

I think it's called Ear Drum.

Is that on our factoid list?

Uh, where has it gone?

Yeah.

Uh, it features Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas.

Now, usually I would run a billion miles in the opposite direction from anything the Black Eyed Peas did.

Done.

Doo-doo-did.

But they've done this one and it's really good with Talib Kwale.

This is called Hot Thing.

That's a song written by Talib Kwale actually about me.

Is it?

Yeah.

You've got something I like.

Yeah, we met.

And I think he fancied me.

He said, you're sexy.

I love your crunchy ass.

He said.

And what was he saying at the end there?

Oh, per show.

uh the Oprah show Oprah show he loves Oprah Oprah show yeah Oprah show yeah that's good stuff man he's saying oh for sure for sure for sure for sure yeah it's just a repeated affirmation and it makes everyone feel good

This is Adam and Jo on BBC Six Music.

We're in the middle of Tex the Nation, the nation's favourite interactive non-competition.

We've already had some very good stupid things in here.

You ready for this, Adam?

Yeah, hit me with a few.

Okay.

To dry my trousers, I put them in a microwave at work and they melted.

So I had to walk out of reception.

Bl-bl-bloom in machine keeps refreshing itself, yeah.

Uh, in my boxes, had to walk out of reception in my boxes to go home and get a new pair.

That's from an anonymous man.

Yeah.

Uh, if you text us on 64046, please put your name or some kind of moniker.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, so we can, uh, so we can credit you.

Lewinsky?

Um, now can I say the word poo?

Yeah.

Come on, it's a sad day when you can't say poo.

This isn't really a stupid thing, it's just disgusting.

Should I read it?

Well, as long as it's not too revolting.

I got locked out of my house and had to do a poo in an alleyway nearby.

Isn't it?

That's not necessarily stupid though, that's just a necessity.

R from R in Oxford.

Is that the R?

Is that Rakeem from being Rakeem?

I think it is.

I think he's often seen squatting in any way.

He's got a bad tummy.

Keep them coming in, 64046.

They're good, those ones, but I'm sure people can do better.

We want something really quite elaborate.

You know, the fellow drying his trousers in the microwave reminded me of when I was in Edinburgh doing a show up there

and I was renting a little sort of squat while I was there for a month or whatever, and there was no question of there being a dryer there or anything like that.

And one time, about an hour before my show was due to start, I was washing my show clothes, yeah, and... Big clown suit, big bottle dot suit.

Exactly.

The thing was, it was totally, I'd misjudged the timing of the whole thing, and I thought I was maybe going to be able to dry the clothes outside because it was a sunny day, but in Scotland, in Edinburgh that time of year especially, the weather changes on a dime or on a pinhead, or very quickly or whatever the phrase is, and suddenly it started raining and there was no question of me drying the stuff in time, so I thought, okay, what am I going to do?

And I tried, I turned on all the rings on the cooker, yeah, and I made a sort of elaborate framework out of

just things I could find lying around and I hung my... You tried to bake the clothes.

I tried to bake them, yeah, just like with all the steam.

What happened?

They started to burn and the steam set off all the fire alarms and stuff and there was just alarms going and they felt... It's a very stupid and dangerous thing to do.

Best learned clothes, generally material is flammable.

Yeah.

So you've got to be careful with how you dry it.

It was one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

If you've done anything stupider than that, and I'm sure you have, and we're not talking about anything criminal, or life-threatening, or that would encourage other listeners to be irresponsible, we're talking about, like, fluffy Saturday morning kind of stupidity.

Yeah, yeah.

Life-threatening stupidity is allowed, I think.

Come on.

I mean, of course, we don't want to encourage stuff.

Send it in and I'll vet them.

Send in anything.

Now, we've got a little trail coming up for you.

This is going to be an amazing trail for the Electric Proms.

I really hope you enjoy it.

And after that, it's my session pick.

This is going to be Baby Bird from BBC Session from 1995 with a track called Too Handsome to be Homeless.

We'll chat about it after we hear it.

Oh, I'm doing a little bit of filling here now, folks, because the computer's gone mental.

I don't know what it's doing.

It's just gone completely mental.

And it's made an editorial decision to ditch Baby Bird's BBC session from 1995.

I was going to play You Too Handsome to be Homeless, which I think I heard when it was actually going out.

And I remember it being wicked.

So maybe we'll be able to dig that out for you a bit later on.

But until then, we are going to play a track from Estelle right now.

This is Wait a Minute.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Text The Nation, the nation's favourite feature before that you heard Estelle there with the track called Wait A Minute.

That was actually produced by Will.i.am.

It's the Will.i.am show.

It's all over the shop this morning.

That was taken from Estelle's forthcoming album, Shine, which is released in February of next year.

You've got to wait a long time for that one, but it sounds interesting stuff.

Probably well worth the wait.

in.

I'm gonna return to my list now of stupid things and Joe mentioned before that once when I was very young You know young enough probably for it to be excusable I would say Before I knew any better.

I licked the back of a metal ice tray.

This was in a hotel we were on holiday and I was excited that I had a fridge in my room and

And there was a metal ice tray there, and it was all frosty when I took it out.

And I thought, hmm, that looks frost delicious.

So I licked the back of it, of course.

My tongue stuck fast to the back of the ice tray.

And it was so shocking that it was so firmly stuck on there that I panicked and I just tore it off.

And immediately I saw basically the top few millimeters of my tongue.

Was there blood?

Just you bet there was blood, yeah.

A large part of my tongue was just left on the ice tray.

And I thought, that's not good, that's not good!

And I went to the mirror, poked out my tongue, it was just red raw with blood.

You know, it was like a big blood.

Can you taste now?

It took a while before I could taste.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was shocking.

It was not only painful.

It was in every way.

It was shocking.

It looked horrific.

It was probably worse.

Thing is, the tongue is one of the parts of the body that heals quickest.

Is it?

Yes, it is, yeah.

Really?

So it didn't take... It's like a kind of immortal slug.

Yeah, it is exactly like an immortal slug.

And it healed very quickly, luckily.

But boy, that was way up there on this stupid... What one do you want off of my list of stupid things?

Okay, here's another one.

Oh yeah, I remember this one.

Lied to Armit and Dweezel Zappa about having heard their album and got instantly called on it.

This is a very stupid thing.

Adam and me were filming a segment with Frank Zappa's sons.

Yeah, Armit and Dweezel.

But for a TV show we used to do we were hanging around by around a pool table, right?

Yeah, this was up in Frank Zappa's house in Laurel Canyon in California a while ago And I did the terrible thing that you should never do I said hey guys I I really enjoyed your new album To try and get chummy generic terminology like that and they and what did they say they went?

Are you haven't heard our new album?

Yeah name a song

And I couldn't because I hadn't heard it.

It was a horrible mortifying moment.

I still got the... I don't believe that we ever actually used the footage we shot on that day.

No, it was hideous.

We had to go back and re-shoot part of it with Ahmet, who was the nicer of the two.

But Dweasel absolutely hated us, probably with slightly good reason.

I think me more than you, because you had heard the album.

Yeah, but I didn't even like the album that he did very much.

They were surly and sarcastic for the rest of the day.

It was a terrible day.

But that was pretty, pretty bad start.

So listen, after this next track, we'll come back with some of your stupid things, and we've got some brilliant stuff coming in.

Keep them coming in to 64046.

Your stupid things make Adam and me look clever.

That's right.

Now, here's Travis with Selfish Jean.

Textination!

Text!

Textination!

What if I don't want to?

Textination!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter, text!

Are we overplaying that jingle?

No, you can't overplay that textination jingle.

Really?

That's just a reminder, isn't it, to remind people what we're doing, what it's all about, what the rules are, whether they can email or text.

What are we doing?

We are asking people what the stupidest things they've ever done are.

What's it all about?

That's different, that's a kind of more profound question which I'm not equipped to answer at this point.

Not on a Saturday morning.

Thanks to everybody who's texted in with the stupidest thing they've ever done, keep texting 64046 or emailing Adam and Jo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Are you ready for some, Adam Buxton?

Yeah, go on then.

Okay, here we go, here we go.

My landlord at university agreed to get us new sofas because ours were flammable.

So one night I dragged them all out into our small concrete yard and set light to them for a nice bonfire.

The fire got higher and higher and the concrete started to uproot itself and fly out of the ground.

What?

Is that real?

The neighbors washing caught fire.

I felt very stupid says Anna in Glasgow.

She may have, um, watched the word elaborated.

Yeah.

Uh, exaggerated a tiny bit.

I doubt the concrete actually started to fly out.

Maybe she's not talking about a concrete, but more, it's more like.

Maybe she went, maybe the university she went to was Hogwarts.

uh yeah or it or it was perhaps the kind of surface you get on a tennis court you know what i mean like tari that's bad don't set light to things uh ever you know um when you're responsible individuals when you're a youngster obviously you know um when you're sort of getting to grips with your limitations

Stupid fire mistakes often happened, you know what I mean?

Like, did you ever get into any fire scrapes?

Probably, I'd have to think about it.

I mean, it's terrifying.

You should obviously never play with fire because it can so easily get out of control.

Well said.

I almost burnt a whole field down one time, you know?

Listen, this isn't about you.

Well, it's partly about you.

Go on then.

That was it.

I almost burnt a field down, yeah.

How about this one?

At a Cotswold Wildlife Park, I accidentally knocked a panel of fencing on the Aver... What's this word?

Avocet?

That's an animal, isn't it?

Avocet?

We're not very well educated, isn't it?

Avocet?

At a Cotswold Wildlife Park, I accidentally knocked the panel of fencing on the Avocet enclosure with my knee, and it fell in, leaving a gaping hole.

The birds ran for freedom, and I just managed to get the panel back in place before the avocets escaped and caused fear and mayhem.

I bet you that's not how you pronounce avocet.

Avocet?

I don't know, but that sounds bad.

Creating like an animal stampede in a wildlife park.

Yeah, that's disastrous.

That's like Frank Spencer style behavior.

Okay, well hold on to this.

Somebody sent in a very similar one to one of yours, Adam, so we can talk about it a bit later.

Adam and Jo, the most silliest thing I've done was to leave my wife.

Yeah.

Says Karl.

Thank you, Karl.

And here's a very good one from Tom in Dulwich.

I saw Tom York in a sandwich shop and said to him the following.

Thanks a lot for no surprises.

It meant a lot of things to a lot of people.

That's all right.

What's wrong with that?

It's quite general, isn't it?

No, come on.

It's like he's reporting on behalf of other people.

I think that would be a good text the nation to do.

Another morning is the stupidest thing you've ever said to a famous person.

We did that once before, didn't we?

Well, let's do it again.

Yeah.

Well, we think we said we had insulting things you said to a famous person before, didn't we?

Yeah.

Do you want one more?

Yeah, go on then.

This is from Nick Osborne in Twickenham.

He says the second stupidest thing he did was drink about eight pints of strong lager before heading off to a Cure concert with my buddy, Tomo.

We were running, both literally and figuratively.

What?

Late.

So we screamed onto a tube platform and dived into the train that was already there.

I turned around, but Tomo wasn't there.

I stuck my head out to see if he was still on the platform, just as the doors closed, trapping my face in between the big black rubber trims.

I was stuck fast, but worse was to come.

The guard jigged the doors three or four times.

Each time, my larger compromised reactions were too slow.

So I only succeeded in getting even darker stripes down each side of my face.

Is this from Mr Bean?

Bean?

And with each jolt, my wire glasses became more and more bent.

Come on.

Of Frank Spencer.

I eventually extracted myself from face prison.

The whole carriage was in fits of laughter.

I'm sure they were, if that really happened.

I can't believe that happened.

I mean, that is colossally stupid.

Congratulations.

If there was a prize, you would certainly be very high on the list for it.

We'll have a few more of those texts soon.

But after this track, we're going to remind you of the song wars situation.

So stay tuned for that.

But right now, here's the new Young Boney Club with Get Lucky.

She sounds sassy.

That's the new young pony club, not the old young pony club.

They're yesterday's new.

Yesterday's pony club.

This is the new one.

Yeah and they're young.

Oh they're young so stay tuned to their output for the next couple of weeks until they get old.

Yeah.

When chuck them away and move on to the next big thing.

Adam and John sucks music.

Old old pony club.

I hate the old old pony club.

Right.

Now, it's time to remind ourselves of the Song Wars situation.

Yes.

If you've just tuned in, Song Wars is a brand new segment here on the Adam and Jo's Saturday morning show.

I just gave it a name.

Well done.

It's where we make songs and we play clips of them and you have to text in and vote for which one you'd like to hear in its entirety.

It's a kind of a creative facet to our self-absorbed little universe.

Yeah.

You know, and these are entirely

self-penned little songs and I've got a new jingle yet another new jingle for you okay so you can see what you think of this one this is a bit more medieval stroke early Led Zepp nice

Who will witness someone today?

Perhaps it will be Adam, or it will be Jo.

Be the one, you will be the one who decides by texting or remaining when you hear the clips.

You fade that bit down there.

No, keep it going.

Turn it up, turn it up.

They're like madrigals.

What happens now?

You're supposed to not listen to this bit.

Yeah, but how long did you keep doing it, keep it up?

How long did he keep doing it?

Quite a long time.

Shh.

It's really, it's not that much.

Gosh.

Oh, what happened there?

It was a little flourish.

It was a medieval town, it's slightly rude.

A reminder that Joe Cornish won last week's inaugural song wars.

Why?

Why should people know that?

No, okay.

We're not going to prejudice the voting in any way.

We're not going to find out who's winning until the very end.

It's going to be a genuine revelation to both of us.

Now, we're going to play a clip of my track first.

This is Scallywag with a song about people with their mobiles on the bus.

It's called Tiny Mobile Speakers.

My mobile comes with tiny speakers in it.

If you're drunk, then you should win it.

Check these out in just one minute.

It's going to be a party on the bus.

Hey!

Yeah, there we go.

So that's song number one, Adam's Song Text.

Add to 64046.

This is like The X Factor, isn't it?

It's very similar.

Or this is song number two, this is my song, Joe's song.

This is called the Public Transport Song.

And this is kind of Ben Fould's Five meets Chas and Dave, and it's just a song about public transport, yeah?

9.30 on the 1-3-3, some kids are throwing chips and causing misery.

Nice harmonies.

It does a little modulation there.

Now, I hope that didn't happen to you.

Did it really happen to you then?

No.

Just located your chore.

They kicked you to the ground.

That's horrific stuff.

No.

It didn't happen.

My songs are lying.

Okay, great.

It's a tissue of lies.

And somebody's texted in, by the way, talking about lies.

I can't find it on the text thing.

To say that you pronounce that bird.

Avocet.

the way I originally pronounced it.

Speaking of corrections as well, Mark texted in earlier to say that the things, the business end of a fork, they are called tines, okay?

Thanks, listeners, for correcting us as we go along.

We love to be corrected.

Yeah, it's important to get everything factually correct here in the Big British Castle.

You could go to jail.

Do you realize that everything that's broadcast by the Big British Castle is actually embroidered?

on a big scroll by Fishwise.

Yeah, the nation's favorite tapestry, it's called.

Yeah, and it's stored, all shows are tapestrized.

Yeah.

Um, almost by a sort of tap, tap, tapographer.

Yeah.

Uh, and it's stored forever.

So it's important to get things right.

Yeah, exactly.

The whole contents of this show right now are being woven.

As we speak, now it's time to return to the BBC session from Baby Bird that we tried to play earlier on.

Uh, now who's, whose show was this?

Baby Bird, are you there now?

Come in, Baby Bird.

Which one?

Oh, it was on Mark and Lard's, and I'm pretty sure I was listening to this as it went out on the 12th of December 1995.

This is Baby Bird with Too Handsome to be Homeless.

Adam's Pick of the BBC Archive

We are not cool, we are not crazy We steal cars because we're lazy We are not risky, we are not bad We burn our houses just to make us sad I'm too handsome to be homeless

I'm too handsome to be homeless I'm too handsome to be homeless I'm too handsome to be homeless

We are not famous, we are not known We break into hotels just to feel at home We cannot read and we cannot write We make Audi cars then we set them alight I'm too handsome to be homeless

I'm too handsome to be homeless I'm too handsome to be homeless I'm too handsome to be 17

New to Saturday night.

Introducing interesting new artists for putting great music online.

Frankly, the more startling the better.

Hopefully all the people have been crying out for us to play more adventurous music by unsigned bands.

We'll be able to find something to like in every show.

I'm a soul man.

You're not a soul man.

I am!

No, you're not.

Good film though, Soul Man.

Lou Reed.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, Lou Reed did a reversioned version of that song for that film.

Do you remember the Lou Reed's version?

For the film Soul Man with C. Thomas Howell.

Yeah.

Which is a very politically incorrect film about a young white chap who changes the colour of his skin using dyeing products in order to get into a college on a bursary or something.

A minorities bursary, yeah, to exploit a sort of minorities loophole.

It's not good.

No, but he gets his comeuppance, doesn't he?

He's shamed, yeah.

He's absolutely shamed, the guy.

It's a little bit like, what's that film with Adam Sandler recently where they have to pretend to be gay in order to get some... I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

There you go, yeah.

It's the same sort of thing like straight, uh, white people sort of saying, oh, it's not fair, all the gays and minorities are getting all the breaks.

It's kind of insane.

So we've been running Text the Nation, our very important national survey that we do every Saturday morning here on BBC Six Music, and we've been asking our listeners what the stupidest thing they've ever done is.

And it appears that all of our listeners are pretty stupid.

Glad to hear it.

Funny coincidence there.

Um, heroes, are you ready for some?

Yeah, go on then.

This is from John Samuel.

While I was at my first real girlfriend's house, I crept up behind her as she was washing up, put my hands on her breasts, and gave them a good squeeze.

When she turned around it was not her, it was her mother.

Bad one.

We were not together for long after that.

I'm sure.

That's disastrous.

Very good.

That beggars belief though.

What a lunatic.

Sexy though.

That is quite sexy.

Something slightly sexy about that one.

I bet you've thought about that since.

Yeah.

Here's another one.

When I was very young, I flicked one of my testicles as hard as I could to see if it would hurt.

I was nearly sick.

Jamie in Birmingham.

I like that because it's just no, there's no reason or context.

It's just to see if it would hurt.

He's obviously never been flicked in the shower by someone's towel.

No.

That's the same sort of situation.

Sounds like a slightly homoerotic picture you're painting.

You never got flicked.

In the showers and at sports?

I've never been flicked in the showers at sports.

No, luckily.

Here's another one.

After watching Superman crush a piece of coal and produce a diamond, I believe that every lump of coal must contain a sparkling gem within.

I proceeded to scrub some coal with my mum's toothbrush for hours and hours, desperately seeking the non-existent treasure inside.

That's from Mari Hamilton in Morecambe.

Wow.

That's quite sweet.

That is sweet.

And I can totally understand where you're coming from.

I thought the same sort of thing.

When I was 11, this is from Ali in Burry Burry Burry.

When I was 11, I swallowed the steel ball bearing from a screwball scramble game.

I guess that's a game.

Do you remember screwball scramble?

Can't say I do.

Anyway, he was 11.

He swallows the steel ball.

My mother made me poo it into a potty to check that it came out.

It did.

It was bleached and said ball still rattles around in the game in its own tarnished way.

They still play with the same

That's nice, isn't it?

Tumbling Dice by The Rolling Stones.

This is Adam and Jo here on BBC's Six Music.

Now this week, Adam and listeners, I believe I saved the capital from a terrible terrorist incident.

did you yeah i was on the underground yeah i was reading steven king's the mist right i was deeply engrossed in the tentacle horror when uh suddenly i realized that the people sitting around me were staring in in my direction and i looked to my right i was right next to the glass petition on the on the underground yeah i looked to my right there was a brown uh briefcase lying in the middle of the floor

Utterly unattended and it looks exactly like an image.

They might put on a warning poster, right?

It looked as if it was packed full of badness Yeah, so everyone was looking at it nervously and across the way.

There was a kind of Portuguese man Spanish man I'm handsome.

He was handsome.

So already it's like a fill.

Mm-hmm with two sexy men and

Yeah.

And he had a beautiful girlfriend.

She was sexy.

It was all very sexy and exciting.

It was like the Bourne... It was like the Bourne Ibrembussy.

Yeah.

And he stands up.

I stand up.

We approach the unidentified unattended bag.

He starts touching it with his foot to see how heavy it is.

Not kicking it though.

No, no.

Everybody starts going, no, don't do that.

Don't touch the bomb bag.

But then what happens?

Is this?

I decide to go and tell the driver.

We stop.

Basically, we discuss pressing the red button and stopping the train in the tunnel.

But we think, no, you know, if there was smoke coming from it, if it was ticking, maybe we do that.

No, we'll wait for the train to get to the next station.

So we get to the next station.

Very British.

I run up the whole length of the train, right?

Because the unattended bag is in the very rear carriage.

I run the entire length of the train.

I'm sexy my jackets billowing behind me.

Yeah Can you imagine the other people on the tube?

What's happening?

Who's that?

The train I knock on the window of the driver's compartment.

He's a studious looking driver He's got round John Lennon glasses slightly gray hair quite thin and looks like he takes his job very seriously.

Yeah What's the murder sir?

I say

There's an unattended bag in the second or third carriage, I'm not sure, from the rear of the train.

We don't know what to do.

Suddenly I look behind me.

The foreign, the Spanish man, he's sexy.

He's wearing like a leather jacket.

You can't see it from this distance, but I'm just giving you more detail.

He's wearing a leather jacket with motorbike logos on it.

You know, that's how sexy he is.

He's waving at me from the other end of the train.

He's shouting,

It's fine!

Like this.

What, what?

And so I say to the driver, it might be fine, but I'm just going to go and check.

It's not the bomb bag!

If it is fine, I'll wave at you.

Driver said, OK.

Everyone on the train is wondering what the holdup is.

I run right back down the entire length of the train.

Still sexy.

A tiny bit more sexy because I'm sweating now.

It's exciting.

And I get back to the carriage.

The bomb bag's gone.

It was just a man's bag.

And he'd left it, and while I'd been talking to the driver, he'd come back and got it.

Sorry, left my bag.

Bye, bye.

Gone off with the bag.

Wow.

So the Brazilian man goes, it's fine, it's just it.

He's Brazilian.

Brazilian, I don't know, that's just topical, isn't it?

He's, he's, he's Portuguese or something.

He goes, it's fine, the man came, followed the bag.

He doesn't speak like that.

I'm exaggerating it, this is the movie version.

And come for a bag, it's fine.

Uh, so I smile, we sit down, the best thing that happens though, the train pulls away, the best thing that happens is the, the guard comes over the Tanoi.

Thanks a lot, guys, for helping me out.

No.

Like in an action film.

God props.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, guys, for helping us out.

Community spirit.

The rest of the train is like, who?

What?

Who?

Me and the guy, we look at each other.

If it had been a film, and it had been a bomb, and more exciting things had happened, I think he would have probably got offed in the action.

Right.

And I would have copped off with his girlfriend.

With his girlfriend, yeah.

You would have consoled her in her grief, and then eventually... Exactly.

We would have kissed.

You would have had his love.

Maybe at the end.

Yeah.

That's a very moving story, man.

Well, that's a positive little tale of working together in the face of terrorism.

I've got a story that isn't quite so positive about the effects of terrorism and the current climate of fear.

Shall we have some music first, maybe?

Yes, let's hear from Adele right now with Hometown Glory.

Oh, my world, yeah.

That's Adele.

She's only 19.

Born in Tottenham and raised in Brixton.

And that's her debut single.

She's been songwriting and playing guitar since she was 14.

And uh, sounds a little bit like Winehouse.

75 years.

You're not impressed by that.

Nah.

If she was, like, doing it since she was... If she had her first hit single at six, that would impress me.

That would be a little more impressive, but as it is... These days you're over the hill at six.

Exactly.

Nineteen.

Simon Cowell isn't interested.

You've got to give up, man, if you haven't hit by the time you're seventeen.

It's all over.

You are past it, brother.

Hey, guess who's doing the new Orange advert?

Umm, you.

No.

Macaulay Culkin.

Culkin?

Culkin.

I'm glad.

Well, Adam and I like to monitor which stars do the Orange Cinema adverts.

Oh, right with, um, yes.

With Steve's first and everyone.

Sort of like watching Lemmings run off a cliff.

Yeah.

And does he acquit himself?

I haven't seen it.

I'll look out for that one.

Anyway, before that track, I was telling you my action-packed saving London from a terrible incident story.

No, I got a little bit of a burp.

Adam, what was your one?

Well, I was doing a little bit of filming for this pilot I'm doing for the BBC.

And it was a hilarious character that I was doing out in the street.

I was basically doing a spoof of those chaps with megaphones who preach tediously for Jesus on the street corners of the West End and all around London, basically, saying things like... And other major cities around the British Isles.

Yes, of course.

You know, there's one guy in particular who says things like...

I don't believe in all this lying, gossiping and sinning that people do.

I mean, it's a waste of your life to use your words to go around swearing at people and using filthy language out of your mouth.

Don't be a sinner when you can be a winner!

That's his name's Phil.

That kind of thing, yeah.

It's quite a famous character.

He's not around at the moment.

He's on holiday, I think, Phil.

Anyway, my version was a very pathetic, uh, satanic preacher, right?

It was quite an obvious little joke to do.

And, uh... What preaching evil?

He's, yeah, but he was, like, really pathetic, you know, and he's basically preaching on behalf of Satan.

Right.

Trying to get you on board for the, uh, for the dark side.

And, you know, this character I was doing had a sort of, uh, antipodean accent, little skidding around from New Zealand to Australia.

A home of evil.

Right, and I was wearing a wig and a moustache and a bandana and I looked a little bit like a sort of fatter version of Ron Covick from Born on the 4th of July.

Fatter, even fatter.

Yeah, and I and anyway so and I was seeing things like if you're lazy you might consider working for Satan.

Just remember stick with Satan because the hours are great and so are the perks so don't be jerks and don't go to works.

Things like that, right?

It was pretty ineffectual, that was the point of the thing, it was supposed to be pathetic.

Anyway, after a while, I was approached by Eros, not by, I wasn't actually approached by Eros, I was stood by Eros in the statue, Piccadilly Circus, yeah, in the heart of London Town, and I was approached by a community police officer.

Right, have you ever come across these guys before?

How long have community police officers been around now?

A few years.

What does he say?

This guy comes up to me and he asked me to turn off my little speaker.

And it was a very small speaker that I had.

Not nearly as loud as these guys with the massive megaphones.

And he told me in no uncertain terms that I was violating anti-terror laws by preaching hate.

It's illegal to preach hate.

And I said, what do you mean, mate?

And I carried on with the Australian accent, because I was being filmed at the time.

So I thought, you know, staying in character... It's quite good for the show, quite good footage.

So I said, what do you mean, preaching hate?

He's like, well, you're talking about Satan, talking about Satan.

I was like, yeah, but you know, I'm just, I'm not saying anything like, you got to go out and kill people.

I'm just saying, you know, if you got with Satan a little bit, you might not have to work so hard, you know, just slack off a bit.

That's what Satan stands for.

And anyway, this guy was having none of it.

And I said, who am I?

He said, well, it's offensive and you're violating anti-terror laws.

I said, come on, who am I offending, mate?

And he said, you're offending me because I'm a staunch Roman Catholic.

And so I said, you know, what's...

that's not your mandate is it as a community police officer to go around arresting people or threatening to arrest people who are offending you personally just because of your religious views this you know what happened to free speech it's outrageous anyway so he was sort of a little bit unsettled by that because i think it's a fair point you know what i mean what happened in the end arrested uh almost arrested and i was and then he started getting upset about my mustache he's saying is that a fake mustache that is illegal and i well i said uh i said yeah it might be

And, because it was clearly a fake moustache, and he said, I said, what's the problem with that?

And he said, that's a subversive terrorist behaviour.

That's the kind of thing that terrorists do.

And I said, you're joking, aren't you?

Come on, do me a favour.

And then he said, right, I'm going to arrest you.

And I said, no, you can't.

And at that point I started getting a bit freaked out, right, because I was working, I'm doing this pilot for the Big British Castle.

And it's a sensitive time for everybody in the castle.

And I was thinking, oh man, if I really get arrested by this guy, it's not going to be good.

That's it, it's curtains for Bucko's TV career.

Exactly.

So he said, give us your name.

And at that point, like any self-respecting subversive anti-authoritarian... You just said Ronald Smudge.

Exactly.

Ronald Smudge, or Andy Peters, or Richard Bacon, or whatever.

I just gave him my real name immediately!

That's sensible, man.

That's quite right.

I know, but it's a bit spineless, isn't it?

So I showed my true lily-livered colours just to get out of a tight spot there.

Also, in the process, kind of ruining the piece that I was doing.

But, um, man, it was, it was tough and I must say I felt pretty outraged.

Really?

Well, shall I tell you a couple of things?

Yeah.

I'm Roman Catholic.

I hear you.

And you've insulted me.

Really?

And my brother's a policeman.

Yeah.

And I'm going to make him arrest you.

Okay, fair enough.

Because I agree with that community policeman.

So let's see what Phoenix, the band Phoenix have to say about it.

that was phoenix with everything is everything uh yeah that was one of my picks very nice tour yeah thanks they are french they're from france they're from france i like it the least thing he goes out i didn't know if he did it goes that but for well he goes out with scarlet your handful no he does not mate he goes out with uh sophia copla sophia copla yes what i meant

Now we are asking you to text us about some of the stupidest things you've ever done You know having told that story about my abuse of my right to free speech there in a way I feel as if my little

You know satanic preacher stunt was was quite stupid, but still here's a stupid thing from will in Edinburgh.

He says One hungover morning.

I decided it might be a giggle to stick a pair of small fishing lights Up my nose using little magnets fishing lights fishing.

Oh, sorry

flashing lights you might have fishing lights some people use some fishermen use lights to attract deep sea fish yeah yeah yeah all right stay willing lights flashing lights onto my nose using little magnets I put up my nostrils that's a good idea none of my poor poor company was amused at this wacky behavior so I took them off at the same time causing the little magnets to clip together either side of my septum

Oh, I tried many, many things to get them out.

Fingers, skewers, sneezing, other magnets, but none availed.

So I had to make the A&E trip of shame and ask the kind-less receptionist.

Hi.

Oh, I've got some magnets up my nose.

Can you help?

They did, it wasn't pretty, the doctor decided to get as many students, nurses, janitors, and passers-by to come and watch this stupid idiot having them scraped out of his nose.

Oh dear.

Nice one, Will.

Here's one from a very silly Peter Green in Seward's End, Safran Walden.

I once stayed in all weekend because the antibiotics I was taking came with a warning that said, do not expose to direct sunlight.

My girlfriend came to visit me on the Sunday evening.

She explained the warning applied to the tablets and not to me.

Well, I want to know how old he was.

He must have been pretty old when he was 73.

Dear Adam and Jo, this is from Chris from Oxford.

When I was younger, I was given the very cool goldfinger Aston Martin, the James Bond toy car.

I guess he means, with the press of a button, you could make the machine guns pop out, raise the bulletproof screen, and shoot a small plastic man out of the ejector seat.

I remember that.

For some reason, I thought it was the logical next step to insert the little plastic blue man up my nose.

This is a themed, like a nose-themed stupidity section, where it remained lodged for an entire Sunday much to my mother's distress.

It's scary when you put things, it's a terrible idea to put anything up your nose.

I stuffed my nose full of lavender leaves when I was a kid.

Because they smelled so nice.

I wanted to really smell them good.

I want non-stop potpourri.

So I stuffed them all the way up there and they wouldn't come out.

Potpourri.

But eventually they decomposed.

Yeah, that's awful.

Now you've got to be really careful because things can easily

disappear up there and then you're really stuffed.

It's like that's why that scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to retrieve the little bugging device up in his nose.

Do you remember that?

All up in his nose.

He's got a machine and it's a little robot arm and it goes in there and it grabs the thing and it pulls it out his nose.

It's a good moment from the... Are we gonna have music?

We got a trail first though.

Oh, a trail.

Here's a trail for an exciting upcoming program here on the BBC.

The new sound of 6.

BBC 6 music.

That's Reverend and the Makers with Open Your Window.

This is Adam and Joel on 6 Music.

It's 6 minutes past 11 on Saturday morning.

And it's time for Song Wars.

Yeah, I was I was gonna say as well In case anyone wanted to know what the track we played before that was it was the mayor of simpleton by XTC good stuff the wonderful song Yeah, and yeah, it's time for a song wars update right now The theme for song wars this week was suggested to us by a listener Yeah, the listener who suggested this was Daniel from Durham who sent us the following email during last week's show quote

I've got a great idea for the theme for next week's Song Wars.

You could do songs about taking public transport.

Imagine all the emotions that can be described.

Awkward shuffling on a bus.

Being annoyed by someone's mobile on the underground, and so on.

You love it, don't you?

Yeah, it's great.

Daniel from Durham.

Daniel, thank you for that email.

It was a brilliant suggestion, and we've acted upon it.

Yeah, and the two songs are up for your voltage this morning.

And we've both gone for sort of bus experiences that way.

No, no.

Are you not on the bus?

No, my song deals with a broader range of public transport, Adam, which cannot be represented by the short excerpt Jude has chosen.

Oh, right.

These are merely clips you're hearing.

These are clips.

These are these are pegs through the keyhole of the song.

Um, and if you, well, we'll hear both songs in their entirety, uh, as, as the last thing songs.

Yeah, we're going to hear both songs.

It's a question of who actually is voted for as the best, you know, we're talking it up week on week.

This is a, this is a kind of, you're judging these things on quality.

Yeah.

They both get played, but one for shame and one for glory.

Exactly.

So here are the two clips, which clip is first.

uh let's hear my clip first let's hear joe's this time joe's song wait this is a ben paul's five uh chas and dave style exploration of product transport yeah here it is nine thirty on the one three three sockets are throwing chips and causing messery i stand up to

It's got a touch of sort of high school musical.

It's kind of uplifting.

The kids are going to love it.

Right, right, right.

So that's Joe's song.

If you want to hear that one in its fullness, then text JOE to 64046.

And now, this is my track.

This is Scallywag with tiny mobile speakers.

Here's a little extract for you.

My mobile comes with tiny speakers, innit?

Everyone will be impressed Because my speakers is the best They pass the tiny speaker test Set by my main nephew

Now, through my headphones, that doesn't sound as stereorific as it did when I was mixing it.

Sounds good, man.

But we should remind you that you can hear these songs after the show today on the website, and of course you can listen again to the entire show, this week's show that is.

And you can also hear last week's songs, can't you?

Last week's entries for song wars... Really?

But they're being banked for songs.

Yeah.

They're going to be worthless.

We were thinking of releasing an album, but now.

We're going to remove them after a couple of weeks or whatever.

Hey, and here's the number if you want to hear Adam's song in full text.

Adam?

We're going to hear both in full.

Come on, that just makes a nonsense.

Let's just pretend.

What's the point of pretending?

No, because they're voting for which one is best.

Oh, right.

If you think it's sorry, you're quite right.

If you think Addams is the best, text ADD to 64046.

And we've been very mature about the songs this week.

Last week there was some childish squabbling and competitiveness that lowered the tone of the show.

I don't think people have any conception of quite how competitive we are.

I think they think that it's like a joke and we're always laughing about it but they they don't realize it's quite deadly serious and it could ruin pretty much anyone's day.

It's not for me.

It is mostly for you.

It's not.

It's really, I'm really chilled about it.

Let's have some music.

I want to win!

This is a track that I chose for you.

This is Dear Hoof.

It's an amazingly strange band that I actually first saw at All Tomorrow's Parties, which is a great sort of indie weirdo festival that happens at Canva Sands.

And I saw this band, and to be honest with you, they weren't that good.

But still, they were so interesting that I went and checked out their album.

And their most recent one, which is called Friend Opportunity,

It's got some amazing stuff on it.

I hope you like this.

It's quite odd and it's called plus 81 by deer hoof

Choo-choo-choo-choo.

That was good, man.

That was very peculiar.

It sounds like the kind of music that you might have to listen to a few times to understand its structure, and that might be really good.

It's strange.

And, you know, I've been enjoying them very much.

There's good stuff on all their albums.

That's Dear Hoof.

Do you know who liked it?

Who?

Gordon.

Thanks, Gordon.

Glad you liked it.

Takes it in saying thanks for the Dear Hoof.

First really good song of the day.

Friend Opportunity is the name of the album, Gordon.

I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

And, uh... The Fiery Furnaces are another band I've been listening to a lot recently who are not totally dissimilar in spirit, you know what I mean?

Like Soundwise, obviously, a different Kettler Cod.

In fact, maybe we can dig out a Fiery Furnaces session track if there is such a thing for some point.

anyway um let's let's have a couple more texts right now from from the world of the stupid text says adam assuming i've got some prepared you know any new bucket let me just read out one from joe's list that we that we haven't had so far this is one of our stupid things

We've done this is stupidest things that we've ever done And now this this is one that I can relate to because I've done this many times Moved my entire bedroom after 15 years in my house slept there for one night didn't like it moved it all back the next day So where did you move it all to just the next door room when I was about 15?

I'd slept in the same room in my mom and dad's house for my whole life.

I decided I was bored of it and I move it and

I had quite a lot of furniture, so single-handedly I moved it onto the floor below, the room beside my mum and dad's bedroom, the shelves, the bed, the desk, the computer, the stereo, every single poster, every book, video, all the toys, games, stuffed toys, everything, all the way down, moved everything out of that room back into my room, arranged it, all the furniture, all the stuff I detailed before, took all day, spent one night in the new room, then realised my mum and dad could hear everything I was doing.

They could hear me listening to pipes of peace.

They could hear me enjoying myself late at night.

With the frog chorus.

It wasn't with the frog chorus.

Well, sort of was.

And so I thought this is a bad idea.

The next day they went to lunch with someone in the countryside or something.

When they came back, I single-handedly re-swapped.

What made you think it was a good idea to move in the first place?

I just wanted a change of scene.

Change of scene.

Was it a bigger room that... Next to your parents?

I was grown up.

I was 15.

I deserved to be on the grown up floor.

Right.

Not on the kiddie floor anymore.

I was wrong.

Here's another thing that's on Joe's list.

Jumped down the stairs blindfolded.

Rushed to hospital in an ambulance.

Felt fine halfway there.

Yeah, I was impressing childhood friends by jumping downstairs blindfolding onto Matt's.

Yeah, I hit my back.

It was very painful.

Ambulance was called because you don't take any risks with back injuries.

No.

I always felt fine after about two minutes in the ambulance with a siren on racing through London.

Felt fine.

Were your parents with you?

Yeah, my mum said, pretend.

just when we get there just pretend just make it feel bad at first but then make it feel like it's getting better during the examination no so that's what i did was like oh yeah it's a bit sore is it no not really it's not sore it's a

That kind of thing, it was stupid.

Here's another one from a listener called Dick from Macclesfield.

During double physics I was proudly demonstrating how many whole ginger biscuits I could get in my mouth and still shut it.

12 was looking pretty impressive until my spittle attacked the biscuits and caused them to fuse into a solid lump which had to be laboriously excavated with a spatula.

I can imagine that because the sliver would at first fuse the ginger gunge and then the sliver would eventually run out, would start drying, and you'd have a sort of a building break in your mouth, right?

What a lunatic.

Well, I guess a physics lesson is a good place for that to happen.

One thing, speaking of experiments that I remember doing as a youngster, when my parents were out one afternoon, I must have been about 11, maybe 10,

I just went into the bathroom and I thought, I'm going to do some experimentation.

And I opened up the cupboard under the sink and there was a load of cleaning products there.

So I put the plug in the sink and I thought, I'm going to mix up a special potion.

And I poured in some bleach, some ordinary household bleach, and then I got some cleaning fluid.

And I popped that in there as well.

And I failed, of course, to read the many warnings that come on all these kind of items that say, on no account should you mix cleaning products with bleach, because they produce ammonia, which is a kind of noxious and deadly chemical.

And I inhaled deeply on the resulting ammonia cloud.

and was never been the same I was in real pain you know it felt like I'd really done some damage to my lungs I was just a one breath of this stuff that I had but every time I breathe it was very painful and so I I was really freaked out and I was thinking that's it I'm gonna die now

And I went and just laid down for a couple of hours and just thought, I'm just gonna pop off.

And I had no... This was before mobile phones and stuff like that, so there was no question of me getting in touch with my parents.

They were out, I didn't know where they were.

I just thought, I'm just gonna have to lie here and die.

Maybe I'll be dead by the time they get to town.

It's a cliffhanger.

Let's leave it there and have a trail for the electric prongs.

Will Adam live?

It's not really a thing.

Is he alive now?

He's a ghost.

There we go.

They're not gonna carry on until the break of dawn.

We're gonna stop them now.

It's the Jungle Brothers with JB's coming through.

That was a session pick.

And where was that from?

It was recorded for Andy Kershaw on Radio 1 on the 15th of March, 1990.

Hip-hop's always a bit, you know, uh, tricky live.

Yeah, but that sounded pretty good.

It did sound pretty good.

What are they doing now?

Are they all split up, the Jungle Brothers?

You know what?

I don't know.

They went in a sort of housey direction, didn't they?

And then they got a bit confused.

I think they were dropped by their record label.

I don't know.

Maybe someone out there knows what's happened to the Jungle Brothers.

Now, we're going to wrap up Text the Nation this week.

Do you have any more little bits of stupidity there at your fingertips, Joe Cornish?

This is from Joanne in Dublin.

Are you ready for this?

Yeah.

When I was about four, I somehow got it into my head that I could rescue the eggs in the fridge and incubate them so that a little baby chick would emerge from them simply by sitting on them.

When my parents found the resultant smashed eggs around the house, they had to break the bad news to me that there would be no chicks.

I was too embarrassed to eat eggs for quite some time.

Too embarrassed to eat eggs?

P.S.

Is the drum loop on Adam's tune sampled from I Walk the Earth by ex-beta bandman Steve Mason's King Biscuit Time Project?

Yes it is.

Couple of people have spotted that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The loop on my track is original.

Well, original... That's good, though, Joanne.

I think that's the stupidest thing that we've had so far.

Well, it's not a competition because they're illegal now.

They're deadly.

But were it a competition, were we to live in such a scandalous and evil world that competitions were allowed,

That might well win it, doesn't it?

I like the idea of an innocent little girl sitting on eggs trying to make them hatch.

That's sweet, though.

The sweetness outweighs the stupidity there, I think.

It does.

But that's very nice.

And thank you very much indeed, everybody who texted in on our textination subject.

Now, we are pre-recording our show next week, listeners, because we are otherwise engaged.

Because you're going away, aren't you, Adam Buxton?

Yeah, that's right.

Where are you going off to?

I'm going to be away.

I'm going to be in Oxford.

I'm going to be helping Radiohead with their webcast.

No, really?

They're doing a live webcast on Friday, next Friday evening, on the 9th.

I think it's 9 till 12 in the evening.

How could you help them?

Uh, well, there's all sorts of things Radiohead needs from me.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They can't do it without me.

It's all... What will you do?

I can't.

I can't go into it.

It's too important.

Are you just, like, hanging around?

Oh, no, no.

It's more important than that.

Now I'm providing them with various bits of technical expertise and maybe some presentational fun as well and who knows, we'll see how it goes.

It's fairly fast and loose, it's just Radiohead kind of talking about some of the things they're enthusiastic about, playing some songs and I think playing some of their own material as well.

So obviously I'm quite excited to be helping them out with it, being a big fan.

Anyway, that is happening next Friday night, and because it's in Oxford, I won't be back in time for the show the next morning.

Why can't you get an early train?

Or a late train.

I can't get an early train.

It's not possible, because I'm going to be unpacking all the stuff the next morning.

Right, so you're like a roadie.

I'm like a roadie, yeah.

Anyway, I'll tell you all about that when I get back, but it means that we have to pre-record next week's show, and we're going to suggest a topic for textination before the end of this week's show, so that you can start sending us your stories, and we can read them out during our pre-record, which we'll do this week.

But that's it for Text the Nation for the time being.

Now we have a track from The Whitest Boy Alive.

Is that right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The band is The Whitest Boy Alive, or just Whitest Boy Alive, and the song is called Burning.

That's Cribs with our bovine public, and Cribs are supporting the Sex Pistols when they return to the stage shortly.

Can you imagine?

Wow.

You didn't happen to catch Sid and Nancy when it was on TV the other day, did you?

No.

That's Alex Cox, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's one of the stupidest films ever made.

Really?

I haven't seen it for years.

I saw it when it first came out.

It seemed pretty good back then.

It did, didn't it?

Well, Gary Oldman is still very impressive in it, and there are individually some great things about it.

But as a kind of insane concoction of ludicrousness and just made up rubbish about what it was like then, you know, not that I have first-hand experience, but you can tell that there's just some outrageous liberties he's taken with it.

John Lydon is famously scornful of that film.

Really?

But it's funny, it's one of those films that's so rubbishy and stupid that it's kind of worth seeing for it.

Now we're about to wrap up our Song Wars competition.

This is your last chance to text.

We're not going to play you the clips again.

Text 64046, vote for Adam or Joe.

And right after this next track, I think very possibly we will announce the loser.

Oh, it's not a competition.

We will announce the less good song.

We will announce who you think has written the best song.

There you go.

That's what we're going to do.

But right now, here's a song from Prince, who's a little purple man from America.

And this is off one of his old albums.

It's called Tambourine.

The tambourine.

He says trampoline?

The tambourine.

Tambourine?

That's good, man.

I love that song.

It's terrific.

Which album is it from?

It's from Around the World in a Day.

Oh.

Prince has the most amazing band, obviously.

He certainly used to, probably still does.

He released a couple of, his band released a couple of instrumental albums under the name Madhouse.

Do you remember those?

Yes.

The other one's called Sixteen.

That's right.

And they're fantastic.

They're just a pure kind of jazz-funk instrumental

They are pretty nice things.

They're not it, but they're really good.

Now, folks, hey, it's time for the announcement that you've not really been waiting for.

It's the winner.

And I'm going to say that the person who has composed the best song is now going to be revealed as per your votes.

If you've been voting for exciting.

And Joe has the envelope.

We've got an envelope.

We've been very mature.

Last week we got into some kind of slightly depressing and lowering kind of cat fighting and competitive jib jabbery.

Well, we were getting the results as we went along last week.

Yeah.

And so that that made the kind of on the pigeons.

There were underhand tactics going on.

We were both kind of campaigning for a sympathy vote.

So here we go.

I'm going to open the envelope.

Didn't affect the ultimate.

Are you ready?

Joe has been upset.

The envelope opening.

I'm not going to read the winner.

I've got it!

Well I'm afraid Adam, you got 32% of the vote.

What?

I got 68%.

That's good news for me on various fronts.

I know you wanted the percentages there, but does it actually say how many people?

We'll find out while the losing track plays.

68%?!

You know what that means?

That I can just not really bother next week.

Because...

No, don't say.

Lord, I don't believe this.

Doesn't sound fair to me.

I think your song's better.

I think you should have won.

Well, let's hear right now and let's hear the song that you, the listeners, think is the less good one.

I just downloaded a wicked song onto my mobile and now I'm going to play it loudly on the bus.

My mobile comes with tiny speakers in it.

If you're thumping you should be

It's gonna be a party on the bus!

Aye!

Everyone will be impressed because my speakers is the best!

They passed a tiny speaker test served by my mate Math!

Alright, must prepare to run!

Passengers will get a shock when they turn round!

This soon will clock my tiny booming mobile system!

Here we go!

How can you hear it?

Even though you are not near it, does it freak you?

Do you?

Can you hear the treble hiss?

Are you quite turned on by this?

Ladies on the bus, cannot resist a man with tiny speakers Alright now this is my stop and off the bus I must hit hop, I'll see you later For some more pop from my tiny mobile speaker Down the back and down the aisle From my wicked music file Cheer up friend that gives you smile What's the matter?

Don't you like good music?

Well, clearly the answer is no.

That was brilliant, man.

That was very good.

What was that called?

That was called Tiny Mobile.

That was by Shaggy.

That was by Scallywax.

That was good, man.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

What did I get?

32% of the vote.

You're angry, but you know what?

That might fuel your creativity.

You know, that anchor might feel... How long did it take you to do your song?

Uh, a long time.

Took me the best part of two days.

Yeah?

Two days?

And if you knew what we got paid to do this show, you'd realise that we were actually going out of our way to create content.

to an unnecessary degree, perhaps, it might be said.

Seeing as most people listen to this show, apparently the listening peaks between 10 and 11, right?

And at 11, everyone goes shopping.

Yeah.

So no one's actually listening to this bit apart from you.

We do need to do some refining on the whole concept, because it is a bit nuts that we just play little clips, you know?

We just play the whole thing.

Yeah, I know we played the whole thing now, but it's a fait accompli, you know, the vote to cast.

And if people... I believe that if people had heard the whole song earlier, I would be now holding the... Let's have a meeting after the show.

We'll have a meeting.

Okay, but here's the song that you think is the best, based on the two clips.

If I say it like that, then it includes the idea that they might have got it wrong.

You know, it might be the better clip, but not the better song.

I'm being really nice.

Very nice.

Considering I won.

And my song's better.

And here it is.

This has got 68% of the vote.

This is called the public transport song.

Uh, yeah, here it is.

7.30 on a crowded tube.

My elbow's touching a stranger's boo.

The man beside me, he is reading my book.

I close the pages so he can't look.

Surely this train's at capacity now.

Ten more people got on.

And now we've stopped in the tunnel again Due to a bus and falling under the train Ooh, I wish I was home in my bath right now Or the park right now Or somewhere like that I don't like being trapped Like a rat on the ground It is crap

8.30am a bus drives past it doesn't even stop us see the driver laugh now some guy won't pay his fares so the driver stops the bus and we just sit right there 9.30am the 1.33 some kids are throwing chips and causing misery I stand up to say

into the ground maybe I should buy a bike and have reflectors and that and cycle instead but I might end up dead with a truck on my head it's my stop

that's good man mine's more um sincere yeah no i didn't think it was you see i think i thought your lyrics were let's talk about our songs more together we're funny you for listening but uh i was gonna say you know we started the show with you sort of saying you know the charts and uh are not necessarily a reflection of what is good

And I was going to say, yeah, as proved by the listening vote today for your song.

But you know, I'm taking that back.

I thought that was genuinely good and I was slightly moved at one point and amused and it had everything that you could possibly want from a song.

So very nice of you to say, Adam.

Well,

I really thought I was going to win this week.

I really did.

Really?

You thought, well, you know, the fickle finger of the public.

Yeah.

So listen, let me tell you what's going to happen because we're pre-recording the show this week.

So next weekend, right, we're going to play song wars as normal, but we won't tell you who's won until the following week.

But we still want your suggestions of what we should do the song about this week.

So text

64046 or email even better adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk and you could choose the theme for the song.

We were thinking it might be fun to get you to suggest lyrics that are kind of found, e.g.

stuff like instruction manuals or the radio times or a horoscope, like send in a bit of text that you want us to put to music and like it could be a really weird bit of text.

Right?

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, if you supply us with some text, then both Joe and I would have to use the same bit of text.

Try and find a bit of text like instructions from a medicine packet, something that you think could never be a sort of emotional and moving song lyric.

And we'll try and make it so.

That's an idea there, but you've got to get it to us by Wednesday.

That's when we're pre recording the show.

Yeah Yeah, so make sure that happens.

So there we go.

Thanks for listening to those songs.

Here's some some real music This is uh, what is this?

This is the Juliana Hatfield 3 with spin the bottle

Spin the Bottle by the Juliana Hatfield III.

Very good, well done.

Who are they?

Do you know anything about them, Adam?

They're not around anymore, are they?

No, they were big.

They're from the olden times.

They were big in the early 90s and I remember they used to have a lot of music that would turn up on that programme with the lovely girl from, who's in Stardust now, Claire Danes.

My so-called life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a great show that was.

Just released on a DVD box.

Really?

The complete series available in the shops for Christmas.

Speaking of which, there's two adverts on telly advertising the new special edition of Die Hard 4.0.

Oh, yes.

Woolworths have got it for $12.99.

Smiths have got it for $14.99.

Oh, Smiths are wasting their time.

Right.

You know?

Would anybody spend £2 more just for the Smiths' experience?

Maybe it's packaged slightly differently.

Why didn't Smiths realise that Woolworths were undercutting them by £2?

Smiths have wasted a massive... Oh, my stomach's making an incredible noise.

Smiths have wasted their advertising budget.

It does seem a bit... Come on, WH Smiths.

Pull your finger out.

You used to be Britain's favourite paper market.

Man.

Now you've lost it.

Come on.

Joe Cornish slams WH Smiths.

The cute sheep is trouncing all over Smiths.

Yeah, that's harsh, man.

That is very harsh.

You've been watching Too Much Dragons then, that's your thing.

You're so business minded now.

It's broken.

It's a tatty.

It fell apart in my hands.

For that reason, I'm not investing on it.

Now, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm overloading you listeners with information, but we also have to deal with what the subject of text the nation is going to be for next week.

Not only do we need your lyric suggestions for song wars, we also need to supply you with text the nation so you can text us with your little anecdotes there.

Here are the ideas so far.

Number one is things, childhood misconceptions, things that you got confused about as a kid.

Right?

I, Joe Cornish, used to... I discovered about tampons quite early on in life, and it traumatized me.

And whenever I saw an advert for a temping agency on the side of a bus, which usually had a sort of sexy-looking lady in a trouser suit, striding towards work, excitedly, Kelly Girl temps,

I thought it was an advert for tampons.

Right.

And all I could imagine was what was going on under her sexy suit.

You know what?

That's an easy mistake to make.

Tampon adverts really aren't that dissimilar.

It's all about sort of empowerment and freedom.

Is that a good taxonation subject?

I think that's good.

Let's stick with that.

Let's see where that gets us.

Okay, childhood misconceptions.

And we've got, we're gonna give a sort of special, we're not gonna give a prize, but special kudos to the person who kind of misunderstood something about the world for the longest period.

Do you know what I mean?

Like you held on to a childhood misconception and only just realised that you'd misunderstood it when you were in your late 20s and 30s?

Yeah, the older the better.

Can you think of any examples, Adam?

Are you allowed to say no?

Just say no.

Well, I for a long time thought that it was possible to travel at the speed of light on Concord.

Right, you thought that Concord travelled at the speed of light rather than sound.

Yeah, I thought that was the big deal about it.

I thought that was why everyone was going on about it.

That's true, isn't it?

That is true, and I got in a big argument about it one time at school.

And I was, I still, every now and again, I get it confused still a bit, like when I'm watching Star Trek and stuff and they go to light speed, I think, big deal.

What would be better than light speed?

I don't know, something like thought speed.

Thought.

Yeah.

Speed of time.

Stink speed.

I don't know what.

Smell speed.

Anyway, so that's our suggestion.

Misconceptions, confusions from... Childhood confusions that you've sort of clung on to.

Text 64046.

Can they text?

No, they have to email, really.

Adamandjo.6musicatbbc.co.uk.

Right, now... This is the very last track.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks to everybody who's texted and emailed their messages of support for our new Saturday morning show.

We very much appreciate it.

Yeah, we really do, and we certainly hope that we're

Just gonna keep getting a tiny bit better.

Keep getting work.

Now here's a track, final track.

I chose this one.

I hope you like it.

This is from a band called Guided by Voices who I'm sure many of you will be familiar with.

What a great band they are and one of the most prolific songwriters as well in the kind of indie pop world who's still going strong.

Robert Pollard, just a smattering of some of his song titles.

It's delightful song titles.

Postal Blowfish, Psychic Pilot Clocks Out,

Scorpion Lounge Shut Down, Hardcore UFOs, Christian Animation Torch Carriers.

He is the king of the excellent song title.

And this song title is not so great.

It's fairly straightforward.

But the song is amazing.

It's from the album Isolation Drills.

This is The Enemy.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.

Yeah, we'll see you next week.

Bye.