The Adam and Joe Archive - 20080202_090000_bbc6m_adam_and

Let's go!

I'm only happy when

You'll get the message by the time I'm through When I complain about me and you

I'll never let down I'll never let down

I'm only happy when it rains You wanna hear about my new obsession I'm riding high upon a deep depression I'm only happy when it rains I'm only happy when it rains I'm only happy when it rains I'm only happy when it rains

Uh, happy Saturday morning listeners.

This is Adam and Joel on BBC6 Music.

That was garbage with Only When It Rains.

This is Joe Cornish speaking and the voice you're about to hear might not might not sound like it usually does.

I'm Ray Winston, good morning.

Yeah, Adam's ill today so I'm very privileged to be joined by one of Britain's

Well, in my opinion, greatest actors, Ray Winston.

Thanks a lot for coming in, Ray.

Yeah, my pleasure.

I will find you all monster.

Will you?

Yeah.

Great, good.

It's not a problem.

What's it like working with, you know, against blue screen?

It must be very difficult.

Well it is difficult, yeah, because you've got nothing to work with, you know, you've just got this big blue screen.

So if a scene calls for some interaction with a large patch of blue, you're sorted, that's great.

But if, you know, you're supposed to be talking like people and all that sort of stuff, it's difficult, you've got to use your mind.

You've got to create people and, like, animals in your mind.

Let's go back to the beginning though, nil by mouth, a tour de force.

Yeah, thanks very much.

I love the Tour de France and as soon as I heard it was about that, I wanted to get involved.

I love the bikes, all that stuff got cut out obviously, but still, you know, punching, all the punching and shouting, I love it.

So do you want to select a first track?

You've selected some songs ready to play today.

Yeah, well I just have to correct you, straighten you out on the first track.

He had garbage.

You said only when it rains.

That's an insult to the garbage.

It's only happy when it rains.

It's the whole point of the song.

It's the whole point.

Sorry.

The whole point of the song.

Don't hit me.

You know what I mean?

It's the irony of only being happy when it rains.

That's what the whole song's about and then you miss out the word happy.

It makes a mockery of it.

Indiana Jones you're in the new Indiana Jones yeah yeah what's that about aliens it's about aliens yeah they come down as a big there's exciting there's a chasing man I'll chase some bloke he comes after me and I'll run off and I'll shoot him it's good I don't know what it's about it's all green screen again so they only tell you afterwards what it is you know I mean so yeah yeah it's exciting so what record have you chosen right yeah I've chosen one by the young knives you know them

Yeah, they're wicked.

They're a good band.

There's three of them.

Three blokes.

I love blokes.

So that's why they're my favourite band.

Well, here's The Young Knives with Up All Night.

These days smell nice So come on and breathe me in What's the point?

What's the point?

The loved ones to retire And if no one can manage a smile Well, what's the point, what's the point, what's the point?

What's the point, what's the point, what's the point?

Cos everybody looks famous And they've been wasting lots of time Everybody is special In their mind's eye

We're not sleeping, we are staying up all night!

Up all night!

Rock bottom!

You did rock bottom!

Rock bottom!

You did rock bottom!

cause everybody looks famous and we've been wasting lots of time everybody is special in their

There you go, that's the young knives.

Now, this is Adam speaking, not Ray Winston.

Yeah, we don't want to get fired from the castle for lying.

I've just got a bit of a cold, listeners, and it's gone to my cords.

It's more than a bit of a cold.

Well, it started off as just losing my voice.

I had a gig earlier on in the week and it went wrong.

Really?

What, the gig or the voice?

No, the gig was good, the voice went wrong.

And I could feel the cold settling in there, getting into the back of my throat, you know what I mean?

First starts off just a little bit phlegmy.

you know face it you like it no come on to I like hearing it you I really like it when my voice goes wrong very rarely I'm not roasting in any way but it just just never happens and when it does I love it yeah it's like being possessed by a sexy man a sexy man yeah yeah not in a sort of devil possession way just in a in a sexy way you know it gives you a chance to live in someone else's vocal shoes that's true yeah vocal shoes you can

Yeah, I've got them on now.

They're really nice.

Yeah, it's a new pair of vocal shoes.

Now you absolutely, that's true.

But then at the same time, it's not very useful if you want to be taken seriously or just talk normally.

The thing that's happening with yours is it's changing.

right there are many demons within you it's got different uh well it sort of just cuts out every now and again doesn't it it's shifting its pitch if i because see the thing is if i uh speak fairly low right then it's normal everything's more that's not i mean it's normal within sort of a ludicrous speaking low way but then if i try and go up a little bit it just completely cuts out and if i try and hit any high notes at all i just sound like a kind of a weird

Freak!

I like it.

It's like you've got a kind of reel-to-reel tape player inside you and it's switching speeds.

It's off-putting though, isn't it?

I like it, man.

I think it's going to be a very distinctive show because of it.

I'll just have to just have to remember to speak fairly you know in a low register if I'm gonna make any points I'd keep talking I just love the sound anyway folks we've got an exciting show for you this week of course as ever we're gonna resolve song wars last week song wars probably in the next link don't you reckon does it hurt at all because it sounds yeah painful I want people to think you're in pain if it does hurt

lie no it doesn't hurt it doesn't hurt no you've been honest no not really it is a little painful but i've got i've i'm hopped up on uh benevolent strepsils no i couldn't find any strepsils when i came you know vocal zone is another good thing do you ever have those

uh yeah no good for the vocal cords yeah they're like little black um chewy things and you you uh chew them up and they're they're like an intense uh explosion of menthol right and uh that that helps with your vocal cords of course there are other sore throat medicines of course available and cold remedies as well

But that's what I'm on at the moment, a nice little bit of stuff in it.

So we've got great music coming up, listeners, and the results of last week's Song Wars, plus text the nation, plus we'll be discussing the future of Song Wars.

But for now a bit more music Ray Winston.

What are you choosing now?

Well, no, this is a this is a new one.

He might not have heard this one of mine Is it yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is this is a free play.

This is a very good Australian band I think they're Australian they're called operator, please.

They're very young.

Oh, this had a really good video, didn't it, with them climbing around M.C.

Escher style.

Yeah, this is the one that I saw from the basement that Nigel Godrich produced a program on Sky Arts.

Yeah, really good music show.

Yeah, really young Australian band.

They're aged between 14 and 16, I think.

They won like a high school Battle of the Bands competition.

But you wouldn't know from listening to it, because this sounds really good.

This is called Just a Song About Ping Pong.

It's just a song It's just a song It's just a song It's just a song It's just a song about people Money out of money out of here today I got another fifty seconds and I'm ready to play I say Money out of money out of here today I got another fifty seconds and I'm ready to play I got my, got my, got my, got my ragged in hand I'll give you a little bit, I don't think you understand With a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty look on your face I bet you know bitch

Money on it, money on it, here it's a date I got another fifty seconds and I'm ready to play I say Money on it, money on it, here it's a date I got another fifty seconds and I'm ready to play I got my, got my, got my, got my record in hand I'll do it until they don't think you understand With a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty look on your face I bet you don't be chunky as an ass tank, yeah!

You're favoritizing us?

Liar!

Opposing team!

You're favoritizing us?

Liar!

Opposing team!

It's just a song It's just a song It's just a song

It's just a song.

It's just a song about ping pong.

Six music.

Sunday afternoons.

On six.

My dream is to actually be in one of those 50 cent style pop videos when it's just women in bikinis on a yacht somewhere.

But the reality is if you were actually in that place, it'd be nightmarish.

The novelty of the bikini ladies would wear off and then you would just...

Yeah, and let's face it, if you were right there, we'd just get bullied by Kanye or Pete and Diddy or whoever's there.

Or you and your plus fours.

Me and my knotted handkerchief hat.

I used to wear them.

Stephen Merchant.

No, I did, I did, I did.

I used to wear them at nightclubs, ironically.

Tomorrow afternoon from 3 on BBC 6 Music.

Some people will always have it made.

Some people will live in poverty for the rest of their days.

Time marches on.

Yesterday is bad and gone.

Life is uncertain and easy.

And it's final, yes it is.

There'll be days of sun shining like that.

But don't forget you're gonna have to shed some tears for more.

You must play your cards on top of the table.

When you gamble, you either win or lose.

In life, everybody's got to pay some dues.

Well, it's the law of the land.

Well, well, what do you like and how you understand?

You can't change it, but it's the law of the land.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Oh, peace of mind can't be found until you find yourself.

Think about it.

You might not like being who you are, but you better start liking it.

But there sure can't be nobody.

I can't be you.

Ain't no way that you can be me.

Well, well, that's how it feels, my sister and brother.

And that's the way that there's not many to be hurt for.

It's the law of the land.

Well, whether you like it or you understand, it's the law of the land.

The force of a man's day has discovered my clock.

With your own protection, the doors you must lock.

What goes around comes around.

And what goes around must come down.

Yeah.

That's what it's like on this show, you know?

Spot free and fast and loose, free and easy.

Yeah, yeah.

Give me a convention man, I'll stand on it.

No, I won't stand on it.

You'll flip it over?

Yeah, I refused.

If someone says, excuse me, could you stand on this convention?

I'd say no, I can't.

There's no way I'm going to do that.

Give me an envelope, I'll push it all the way across the table.

I'll push it right off the table.

Off the table.

Yeah.

Give me an edge and I'll stand on it.

Oh, yeah.

I love it.

Yeah, I'll cut something with it.

I'll cut something with it as well.

And you know, if you introduce me to the edge from YouTube, I'll be friends with him because I love it.

I love anything edgy.

I love edginess.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC6Music.

Who was, that was the Temptations with Lore of the Land.

And yeah, now it's time for Song Wars.

Before we get to the result, let's have a look at some of your emails.

Just to fill you in, listeners, Song Wars, we've been doing this feature since we started here on 6Music last October.

And every week, Joe and I have come up with a new song.

for you guys to listen to and you and you send us your votes for which one you like best and I week after week have been more or less humiliated and I've lost out sometimes only just to Joe but most often and particularly last week absolutely crushing humiliating defeats sometimes you know deservedly so I lost out to

the right and wrong song which was certainly better you know when all is said and done than the toothpaste brush you're very kind but as a number of emails has have pointed out I think some people think that you know your songs even though they might sort of fluctuate in quality when they reach a peak they reach a higher peak than mine do

That's nice.

And equally that, no that is nice, whereas I think some people in these emails, and I've got to say, listeners, thank you because we've had an amazing quantity of emails, some of them very long, but the general consensus is that my tunes are a bit sort of slick and, you know, less mad and therefore slightly less, a bit mainstream.

So if we were bands, which band would you be and which band would I be, I wonder?

I think I've got a sort of... Well, you know, I hesitate to say this because it might sound self-aggrandizing.

Well, you don't mean it in that way, but I'm a bit Coldplay-ish, maybe.

You reckon, yeah.

You know, a bit kind of overly sincere, a bit kind of warbly and kind of formulaic.

What are you saying about Coldplay?

I'm saying that they're brilliant.

Yeah.

Did they not come across from that collection of terms?

And you would be... Shed 7.

No.

Someone better than that.

You know, Iggy and the Stooges.

Candy Flip.

No, someone good.

Well no, if I was being flattering to myself I would say something like the flaming lips or something or the four.

What is that voice?

who the voice I've got yeah who are you I'm just it sounds like I'm just a drunkie man that's just come in from all night drunken sessions so anyway here are some some of the emails we got first of all Chris Brett best Chris I'm gonna call you breast cuz I did a nasty stick with it

has emailed to inform us, can't actually speak, that there's a Facebook group which has been set up with a poll to find out what the nation's favorite feature actually is.

And apparently Text the Nation currently has a hundred percent of the vote.

That's good.

I think it might have been set up specifically for Text the Nation.

I wonder what the other features on there are.

Well, someone else, is it Chris?

Someone, I'm not sure whether it's attached or not, has sent a printout of the page.

There are two entries on it.

One of which is from Chris Best.

And they're both voting for Song Wars as their favourite feature so that there are no other features nominated.

Really so not even text the nation which is the nation's favorite feature.

That means we can say it is the nation's favorite feature as voted for on Facebook.

Everyone's on Facebook.

Everyone is.

That's almost a national survey.

Yeah that's that's good enough.

Tom Blackett says of Adam's song last week and last week listeners we would we did songs about net piracy.

Yeah.

Tom Blackett says, in a kind of schoolteacherly way, that was really good, Adam.

Well done.

Thank you, Tom.

That's it.

And also, listeners, if you've got no idea what we're on about here, the end of the whole saga is that last week,

for a combination of reasons not only because I was throwing a kind of little pathetic strop I said well that's it I think we should retire song wars for a little bit and you know just give it a rest people may have connected you're losing with I'm sure they did listen because I won't lie I was I was just absolutely I was distraught I'd spent three days on my

On my nutty piracy song, I was in a very dark, dark place.

You know, like a little dark box.

Dark place?

Yeah.

Where is the, oh yeah, I was in Garth Marenghi's dark place and it was scary in there.

And so, uh, you know, but wasn't it nice though this week not to have to do a song?

Did you just do one anyway?

Yeah.

You did?

Yeah.

Did you really?

Yeah.

What was it about?

I'll play it later in the show.

Oh my God.

Here's an email from Paul de la Pena.

Yeah.

Not sure if that's how you pronounce it.

He says, I'm voting for Adam this week.

He sounded quite miserable about song wars last week, although I know he's got a natural tendency towards this because he used to live on the other side of the road from me in Stockwell and drive around looking grumpy in his bright orange car.

Well, that's just frightening.

Creepy.

He said he used to.

He's moved.

right yeah no i don't have that car anymore that happened to me once with a neighbour who who moved out guy that lived across the street and the day before he moved out he came across and and said hello uh fan of your stuff i watch you coming and going he said that that's great isn't it god another email from michael foreman who says uh adam must win this week his piracy song is best

My girlfriend says she likes the lyrics of Joe's song.

I only chose this email because it's nice about me.

She also says Adam's song was proper mental.

Perhaps hinting at a genius we can't afford to overlook.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then finally an email from Philip Coote.

Alright guys, it was me what gave you the idea for Song Wars about downloading.

So, you know, were Song Wars to continue, maybe we could say that the person who came up with the idea has a kind of more powerful vote.

Do you know what I mean?

Right.

Like they could have 10 votes.

Oh, I see what you mean.

A power of 10 votes.

No, that's no good.

Makes a certain sense, doesn't it?

No.

Ben.

That makes no sense.

Um, it makes me quite proud to have suggested the idea that game that gave Adam one of his few wins as he deserves to win this week and should and this is who my vote is for.

Right.

Well, as we deserve a rest.

Yeah.

So I think you deserve a rest.

Oh, that's nice.

Thanks.

It's not a long one.

I can't believe you've done it.

So what's your song about?

Take care, boys.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Phil coot.

Thanks, Phil.

I'll tell you later.

It's on it's about something quite obvious.

So there we go.

You know, it's not looking good for me at all.

right uh having gone through the email well you said you phoned it in a little bit last week i did yeah yeah i didn't make much of an effort i i didn't like my own song right thought it was irritating went on for too long really and was a bit lazy but you know that's never stopped you winning before that's true so let's find out anyway let's have a record and then we'll we'll read the results here's the kinks with till the end of the what the day

Baby I feel good from the moment I...

We do as we please, yeah From morning till the end of the day Till the end of the day Yeah, I get up and I see the sun go up

That's The Kinks with Till the End of the Day, Zetta and Joe on Six Music.

We'll be back with the result of Song Wars after the news.

On digital radio and online BBC Six Music.

Rescue at sea underway, Egg cancels customers cards and US agrees missile deal with Poland.

Six Music.

BBC News at 9.30, I'm Nicky Cardwell.

An operation has resumed to rescue a ship's captain who was badly injured on board his vessel near the Isles of Scilly.

Efforts to airlift the man and two other injured shipmates last night had to be abandoned because of rough seas.

The ship, the Horncliffe, is heading towards Falmouth.

Andy Catterill is watch manager at Fullmouth Coast Guard.

The vessel now is about 15 miles south of the Isles of Scilly and the Royal Navy helicopter from Cauldrose, rescue 193 is now on scene and they're going to assess the situation, definitely bring the master off who's got spinal injuries and assess the other injuries and maybe bring some of the passengers off as well.

The severe weather is continuing to affect Britain, bringing travel chaos and power cuts.

More than 100 drivers were stranded on the A66 in County Durham as snow made a section of the road impassable.

EGG is cancelling the credit cards of more than 160,000 of its customers, who they say have a higher than acceptable risk profile.

It's written to all those affected.

A government adviser on welfare has said that around two-thirds of the 2.6 million people claiming incapacity benefit should not be receiving it.

David Freud says the medical checks which are currently used to assess claimants' needs are ludicrous.

Poland and America have agreed in principle on a plan which would allow the US to put missiles on Polish territory.

Washington says they're to defend against a possible attack from Iran.

And a court in Los Angeles has given Britney Spears' father temporary control of her assets.

The singer has been committed to a psychiatric hospital.

Alan Paraccionini speaks for the courts.

Take possession of Ms.

Spears' residence.

Do anything they need to secure the residence to include hiring 24-hour security guards if they feel that's necessary.

Six Music Sport in Wales starts its Six Nations campaign against England later, and Captain Ryan Jones has called on his team to use good old fashioned brute force.

If they win, it'll be their first victory at Twickenham for 20 years.

Six Music News, more in an hour.

BBC 6Music.

Sunday Afternoons on 6.

From 5, it's Stuart McConie's Freak Zone.

This week's Freak Zone, Professor Justin Speer on Italian soundtrack Queen Eda Del Orso, Mike Alway on Elle Records, and some of the grooviest, freakiest, most obscure and delightful music you'll ever hear.

On 6Music.

Adam and Jules.

On 6Music.

Who's best off to get big cause they've dug mine behind?

I'd deal with my business if I can't get a trick Down on Santa Monica, why jigsaw for me?

I don't care but I want you to know That me stocking flavor is a favorite treat A man that don't bother with the taste of the teat

Yes, it's time to reveal the results of last week's Song Wars.

The theme was illegal piracy.

I did kind of an average bad one.

Adam did an insane and quite inspired one.

Yours was not, it wasn't average and bad.

Let's forget talking about mine.

I like yours.

I don't like mine.

It made me chuckle.

Mine's no good, you're wrong.

Very nice of you though.

So here are the results.

Right.

I'm going to make, I'm just going to rip a piece of paper and make it sound as if I'm opening an envelope.

Again, we would not want to lie here on the BBC.

Envelopes don't even sound like that.

Yeah, they do.

Come on.

That sounded exactly like an envelope.

Oh dear.

Joe, I get 7%.

Seven.

Adam gets 93%.

Wow.

You know, I worry for the people for that 7%.

Yeah.

For their taste.

No, but on the other hand, you know, how much of mine was a sympathy vote after my pathetic juvenile strop behavior?

Quite a lot, I would say.

I doubt it.

Anyway, let's not dwell on it any further and let's have a listen to what you voted for, listeners.

This is my anti-piracy song, which of course incorporates the anti-piracy theme, the jingle, the sort of national anthem of the anti-piracy nation.

Let's hear it now.

That's the mind of a pirate.

Did you hear the hate and greed?

And our beloved entertainment biz is where the dirty pirates feed.

And I don't mean terrorists and their golden compass knock-offs.

I mean you and your downloads.

Oh, I ought to knock your block offs.

How do you think this stuff gets made?

Do you think artists created

They don't get paid, it's the only reason they do what they do It's not the flippin' work, most of that's poo They depend on the money that you idiots give So they can make more crap, and so they can live the good life Yes, the life of the stars, but you're taking their pools and you're taking their cars You bastards!

You better believe it, pal, cause we're evil, we're stars

And we're gonna play some music And nobody at the party's gonna pay Yes, the world is changing I don't like it But that's the way it is So we've cooked up some statistics That will show you how you're ruining All the finely tuned mechanics of the entity

And even if you're buying other stuff that don't make up For all the phantom profit that you've slayed I don't care, cause I'm mental, I'm evil, and I deserve to be locked up Cause I'm a hoss, and I smell, and I want to go to hell

What a load of old rubbish.

You're an idiot.

That's rubbish.

I hate you and my song was better.

Yeah, there you go.

Well, thanks.

Thanks, listeners, man.

I appreciate that.

Listen, it's nice to you know, on the one hand, it is nice to get a bit of props bit of recognition there for my work for the anti piracy song.

But on the other hand, I know that it was, to a certain degree, a kind of sympathy vote after weeks and weeks of having my face rubbed in the dirt.

I don't mean to be rude I just thought it was all getting a bit lovey-dovey before yeah yeah no it's just not so interesting man listen while we are being lovey-dovey I got a message from Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead the other day oh yeah and he said he because he'd read on my blog that I was a bit grumpy about it all and everything and he said listen sorry to hear you're grumpy but loving the six music show I couldn't get Joe's right and wrong song out of my head all last week

uh he'd been humming it all last week that's gonna ruin his head yeah exactly it's gonna damage one of the greatest heads in in in show business i saw a film called uh there will be blood have you seen that one haven't seen it yet now johnny does the music of course that's why i mentioned it right

Uh, and I had no idea Johnny Greenwood did the music for it.

I actually thought, um, it reminded me of some of the music that Kubrick, uh, uses in The Shining.

Right.

Uses quite a lot of a tonal music, uh, Luta Slavsky, Slavsky, stuff like that.

Uh, but then I realized it was by Johnny Greenwood and it's amazing.

It's a fantastic film.

Can't wait.

It's directed by P.T.

Anderson.

Yeah.

Slice of PTA.

Are you a PTA fan?

Yeah.

Yes and no.

But never as much as after seeing this one.

Right.

It's got an amazing performance by Daniel Day Lewis.

Right.

Ah, it's brilliant.

Anyway, so there you go.

And of course, yeah, genius.

So I thought I'd drop that in there.

A little bit of name dropping for you.

Yeah, it was a good bit of name dropping with it sort of covered in a thick layer of nice little complimentary machine to it.

favourite early morning breakfast snack.

I thought it'd be nice just to wrap things up in Song Wars wise, because we're going to give Song Wars a little bit of a rest, even though Joe's come in with his own song this week, which we'll hear later on.

When are we going to play that in the next hour?

Well I thought we could play it when we usually play the new song.

you know because it might be a bit we might might freak us out not to have anything in the last hour in the in the in the last hour yeah okay in the last half of the middle hour maybe right right so around about 11 30 sometime then we'll be hearing joe's song um but let's play some some real music now uh even though this is this the new one from adele yeah last week we put the old adele out to pasture uh chasing pavements it's become a big hit it's number one and stuff

We've already established that she's been lined up by the music industry to replace Amy Winehouse in case Amy Winehouse falls down a drain or gets her head stuck in a fence.

Or, even worse, cleans up her act and suddenly finds that the Muse has deserted her.

All those things would be awful.

Exactly.

So this is the new Amy Winehouse replacement.

She's called Adele.

She's fine.

She's sober.

She's got fairly normal hair.

Normal hair.

She's going to be like that for up to three weeks.

She currently has no tattoos.

She's got a friend who freebases.

By the end of March her face is going to be covered with tattoos.

So until she actually spends a late night with that friend she'll be fine.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

This is called writer's reign.

To be right as the rain is better When something is wrong You get excitement in your bones and everything

When night comes and you're on your own You can say I chose to be alone Who wants to be right?

Cause rain is harder when you're on top Cause when hard words don't pay off and I'm tired There ain't no home in my bed as far as I'm concerned So wipe that dirty smile off me Hope you're making up my pride My heart has been beating

Who wants to be right in a high when you just crumble back on down You give up everything you are and even then you don't get far They make believe

Is exactly what it seems But at least when you're at yours You know how to feel things You see when hard work don't pay off And I'm tired there and you're home in my bed As far as I'm concerned So wipe that dirty smile off me Won't be making up I've cried my heart out

to make me cry again.

Cause it will never hurt as much as it did then when we were both right and no one had blame.

But now I give up on this end again.

Cause who wants to be right cause the rain is better when something is wrong.

I get excited burning my bones even though everything's a strain.

When night comes and

Who wants to be right?

This rain is hard though when you're on top Cause when hard work don't pay off and I'm tired There ain't no room in my bed as far as I'm concerned So wipe that dirty smile We won't be making up I've cried my heart out and now I've had

In the fall, low in my bed as far as I'm concerned.

So wipe that dirty smile, please.

Hope you're making all my pride, my heart out.

very nice indeed that's writers rain by Adele this is Adam and Joe here on BBC six music this very sunny Saturday morning here in London hope it's nice where you are listeners now Joe have you seen the film jumper starring Billy Elliot

Not yet.

No.

Are you going to, is that on your list?

Yes.

Is it?

Yeah.

Why would you want to see it?

Because it's directed by Doug Liman who did the first born film and is a very good action director.

Right.

He also did Mr and Mrs Smith.

Yeah.

Well, I know what you mean about that film.

It's not that good, but it's impressive in certain ways.

Is it?

I never made it through.

Is it worth watching the whole way through?

Not really, but you know, it's sort of machine tooled in quite an impressive way.

Ruthlessly efficient.

Yeah, exactly.

So I am looking forward to Jumper.

I think it could be huge fun.

Huge fun.

I was thinking last night that nothing makes life worth living for me more than a stupid special effects film.

I don't care how bad it is.

Yeah, but what if the special effect, as seems to be the case in Jumper, the sequel incidentally, is going to be called

Woolies.

Cardi.

Why would you want to see a film where like the main selling point is this kind of silly wooshy disappearing effect?

He's already hooked.

He loves it.

But you know what I mean?

Like a digital effect that you see in more or less any pop video or TV commercial, this seems to be the hook for the whole film.

Wouldn't it be amazing if all these people went wooshy and disappeared?

Yeah, no, but it's not the effect, it's the premise.

yeah but the idea of being able to teleport instantly and what you do with it and it sounds as if they've really thought about that premise oh really and extrapolated it you know in the cleverest possible ways ben's looking excited look at that okay ben he's grinning from there he's never been so excited about anything

That's going to be good.

Come on.

But in the trail you don't see anything that looks exciting.

All you see is the washing.

That's nonsense.

A car comes out of the side of a building.

One minute he's in Times Square, the next minute he's at the Pyramids.

What do you want Adam Buxton?

Well I want something that looks a bit more interesting than that.

You just want the next Harry Potter.

No because I'd love that.

Can you get it for me?

Dumbledore, I didn't do it I promise.

I love Harry Potter.

The last one was good, the last Harry Potter.

come on it was enjoyable but no I didn't see anything yes so what they're on a pyramid it's like yeah anything's possible and all we have to connect the dots on this mad no rules landscape but something else to what she effect when was a trailer ever a good way to judge the quality of the film well that's true obviously but see the film reserve your judgment I think everybody should go and see jumper yeah

On the day it comes out and then we'll all have a big dirty skin style naked party.

Oh, it's getting started again.

It's about to start.

Let's not change the sun.

No, no, no.

But you know, I'd be more excited about Jumper if it was about an actual jumper like a really.

What would the story be?

Well, this guy has been given a jumper.

And it's a nice one, it's a good one, right?

And his mum's knitted it.

What are the special effects?

Is it some kind of woolen portal?

No, here's the thing.

The special effects, right?

You see the jumper being knitted.

But very fast.

So she knits it really much quicker than you could normally knit a jumper.

And then at one point... Wasn't that one of Supergrand's powers?

Was it?

Wasn't SuperGran able to knit things really fast yet?

Possibly.

Don't bring me down.

I'm not bringing you down.

SuperGran was very successful with the under five.

I never enjoyed SuperGran that much.

Um, you might be right about that, but listen, so towards the end of us second act in the movie when things start to go wrong.

the jumper comes undone and you see it coming undone like a thread pulls out of the jump does somebody at some stage go darn it darn it darn it it's got two meanings they're going to now write that idea down i like that uh and then towards the end of the film it's okay the jumper is fixed will the soundtrack be by nitin sawny i like that i did

Very good.

Any other ideas for my, for my film, which is going to be called Cardi.

I think I'd love to hear them from you and from the listeners.

Help me out.

We can make a lot of money here.

Now it's time for more music.

I picked this one for you folks.

This is from Kevin Ayres.

He used to be in soft machine years and years ago in the sixties and seventies with Robert Wyatt.

And then he became a successful solo artist in his own right.

And he's kind of

Part of the pastoral, folky, psychedelic English music scene, I suppose.

Not to everyone's taste, maybe, but I really like this one particularly.

It's called Blue.

Hope you enjoy it.

This feeling must be wrong So wrong So wrong Sing me future, sing me past Only sadness seems to last

Fins and doubts that freeze inside No escape, nowhere to hide Hide away I'm sick and tired of such bad news

you

Did you just stick that singing on at the end yourself?

That was me singing yeah.

It's good it really gives it a lift at the end.

Yeah thanks a lot.

That was Kevin Ayres with Blue.

on digital on live BBC6 music.

Hey, this is Adam and Joe.

Excuse me here on a Saturday morning.

And once again, listeners, I should remind you that I'm speaking in a slightly odd way because I have a bit of a cold.

So my voice has gone a bit wonkoid.

Joe, were you going to remind?

I was just going to remind listeners of the of the text number.

It's 64046.

You can text at any point during the show.

uh don't text in anything negative adam and i have had eye surgery this week that means we can't actually see anything negative right um which has really given given me a good week yeah have you had a wicked week yeah really good i i simply um i simply can't see anything that's you know not cheerful

So what do you do when you're watching TV?

That must cut out quite a lot of stuff there for you.

Yeah, I don't.

I can't see the TV.

Right.

Particularly Channel 4.

It's all so miserable.

Exactly.

That's what they should call it, the misery box.

Channel 4.

Ooh.

Didn't enjoy Celebrity Ding Dong?

didn't watch celebrity ding-dong quite enjoyed it did you yeah i thought it was pretty good we were discussing the phenomena that channel 4 seemed to be making shows longer and longer and longer yeah it's 50 i didn't realize it was 50 minutes i didn't watch the whole thing that's what i read somewhere it may not be true but they're big fat quiz of the year they do which is very enjoyable that's longer than dr shivaga yeah it is it's about two or two and a half or three hours long really something the big ding-dong

is 50 minutes so you said that's a TV one hour that beggars belief I must say because I watched about 20 minutes which is perfectly serviceable 20 minutes but I can't believe that it went on another half an hour after that it's turning into French television do you ever watch Canal Plus French television is just one show with four intellectuals and a singer in a white studio with an audience just discussing stuff

yeah and then occasionally Antoine de Conne he pops up quite a little bit yes and he's talking French and they always uh I like it I like the French oh it's nice

Neth.

Anyway, yeah.

No, I was going to say, uh, we should, we should hear some more music actually, but, um, we've got the nation's favorite feature coming up folks.

Yeah.

And that's official now.

That's official.

Well, it's not song wars though.

I'm talking about, I'm talking about text the nation.

Yeah.

Oh no.

What?

That's what they're talking about.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

So the nation's favorite feature is coming up shortly, but first, uh, here's some more music for you.

This is block party with the prayer.

Lord give me grace and dancing feet I've the power to impress Lord give me grace and dancing feet Let me outshine the moon Is it so wrong?

It's a great recognition

Second best run around If it's alright to walk the warning To walk more than it's given to you

And it's given to me.

Tonight make me unstoppable.

Oh, and I will charm, I will slice, I will dazzle with my will.

Tonight make me unstoppable.

Oh, and I will charm, I will slice, I will dazzle, I will add.

And deep on the patterns flow Our bodies form in time So, look on the weekdays Tonight I claim what's mine Is it so wrong to create recognition?

Second best, right here at home Is it so long to want a warning To want more than it's given to you?

is given to you.

Tonight make me unstuck.

I will charm, I will slice, I will dazzle with my wing.

Tonight make me unstuck.

I will charm, I will slice, I will dazzle, I will shine the moon.

Tonight make me unstoppable And I will charm, I will slice I will dazzle them with my whip Tonight make me unstoppable And I will charm, I will slice I will dazzle, I will action

Text!

Textination!

What if I don't want to?

Textination!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

text the nation time ladies and gentlemen and this week by way of setting up what we're going to be asking you to text about I'd like to speak about the Sarah Chronicles Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles can I just very quickly say yeah before we get into that yeah Lindsay Clegg thanks for your email she's pregnant and a bit mental because of it and she's angry that we didn't read her email out about the jumper

No, it was a song wars related email alright Lindsay Thanks, and we did we did read it We got a lot of emails and they were all wonderful And there just simply isn't time to read them all out otherwise it would turn into points of view yes exactly so no disrespect You know if we don't read yours out on the air, but we appreciate all the emails and messages we get so yes terminator the Sarah Chronicle Sarah Connor Chronicles and

See, that's problem one with it.

A better name for it would be the Sarah Conicles.

Exactly.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

I mean, that is a mouthful, isn't it?

Yeah.

The Sarah Conicles.

The Conicles.

Anyway.

We got invited to see the screening of this because it's going to be on what channel in the UK?

I think it's on, isn't it on Virgin One or something?

Right.

It's coming to the UK very soon and it started airing in the US in mid January.

started yeah yeah started airing on bit torrent right in mid-january um no it's actually started going out oh yes in the us yeah um but is available on bit torrent currently and uh it's uh i only watched the first one uh and it was all right it's not too bad but they the main thing is like the the terminator guy they've got for and it's basically a extension of of the where where they left off with the second film rather than the third one i think

Because what happened at the end of Rise of the Machines?

Nuclear war, wasn't it?

The world was just engulfed in a nuclear firestorm.

Everyone dies.

It was very bleak.

My love for the franchise died.

Yeah, quite right.

Danes, what was Danes doing in that one?

I wish I could manage Danes.

What was Stahl doing in that one?

What was anyone doing in that one?

What was Arnie doing in that one?

He was in there, wasn't he?

Looking at about a hundred.

It was awful.

That was just...

That was just before he became the governator, wasn't it?

Yeah.

You know, nothing makes me angrier than a really poor sequel to a great film that really ruins the logic of the franchise.

Listeners, I can vouch for that.

Nothing makes Joe more furious.

I get so angry.

He hits me.

I go to the Philippines and kill on a private man hunting reserve.

Yeah.

It's possible.

If you're rich enough, you can do that.

He's like Predator.

Yeah.

And he gets absolutely furious.

He cries and he screams and he just hurts himself and everyone around him.

So it's a horrible thing to see.

But so maybe you should stay away from the Sarah Connor Chronicles.

because it is more or less nonsense.

And one of the worst things about it is the Terminator guy they've got looks just like a big dork who wouldn't get any acting work elsewhere, do you know what I mean?

Maybe it's doing the guy down, but there's very little that needs to be done to fulfill the requirements of the part, you know?

But you know, that was what was quite good about the robot in Terminator 2, the nasty policeman one.

that he looked

and incidentally the only way that you can tell he's a robot apart from occasionally seeing bits of his metal exposed when he gets bashed up.

He wheeze oil.

He wheeze oil all over the screen.

When he blinks he blinks sideways.

He does when he farts little iron filings come out.

No that's not true.

You can tell he's a robot because occasionally he just cocks his head a little bit and that's what robots and evil people incidentally do you know.

Does he make little noises?

He doesn't, but occasionally, to set the scene, they tell you where everything is and what time of day it is.

I can't believe they're still doing that.

I know.

People should have realised in the mid-seventies that computers were going to no longer actually make noises when they merely produced font.

Yeah.

You know, text.

I wonder if they ever did.

I'd like to find a computer that... It would be good to have that function on a computer that you could switch on.

Anyway, so he's the evil guy, the big chunky man who cocks his head.

But the Terminator sent to protect the hero is a little girl, a young woman.

She's a teenage girl of sort of the correct age for possible romantic entanglement with the protagonist.

So that's their big genius conceit to sort of move the thing on a little bit.

And it kind of works, and at the same time... I wouldn't have sex with a young lady robot.

Why?

You wouldn't know what was up there.

Whether it had been correctly smoothed.

You know, it's like popping your old fellow into a...

into a fax machine you've all done that might be nice everybody's done that oh dear me what if what if you couldn't get it out what if he got snagged on something ouch well exactly and what what if the wiring was was bad anyway and you got a nasty little shock

I don't know.

Fun at first, but... It's no good.

Well, all these problems are dealt with in Battlestar Galactica, of course, and as well, anyway, I digress.

Really?

Do people sleep with robots in Battlestar Galactica?

That's what it's all about, man.

Really?

Yep.

Anyway, so I was wondering, listeners, about what other films it would be good to see turned into TV serieses and wondered if you could help us out by texting your thoughts.

I had a couple of ideas.

How about Seven, the series?

yeah so it starts with Mills played by Brad Pitt or whatever whoever you could get some rubbish actor who looks a tiny bit like Brad Pitt getting out of prison he partners up with Somerset played by Morgan Freeman of course in the film and for the series of seven the tone is a little bit lighter than the film okay and so there's a running gag it's a sort of like a buddy cop movie they go in there every week they have a different case

and every every week Somerset will tease Mills a little bit with a box and he'll be chanting what's in the box and of course rather than it being the head of a loved one in the box it always turns out to be something fun you know like maybe a big mouth Billy Bass

yeah or a beer that kind of thing just a fun gift yeah fun gift what because there are only seven deadly sins which have all been used up by the um by the film so there'd have to be some other structure for the it's just days of the week just days of really yeah so every week there's always seven days of the week so you can start with the 12 days of christmas uh-huh

yeah with the yeah yeah you get killed with like uh five pipers piping yeah exactly it wasn't five was it it was however that was the christmas edition that's right the lords are leaping and they leap right in your face and

Wow, what would the crime scene be like after that attack?

Top hats everywhere.

There's clearly been lords leaping all over the area.

So that was my idea.

You know, and it would be fun, you don't guess each week what was going to be in the box.

It's a little bit like finding out what flavour milkshake Alberto Frog would have in Bod.

It's like Deal or No Deal.

Exactly.

That would be good, a cross between 7 and Deal or No Deal.

People love anything box based.

So I'll give you some more ideas in a little bit, but that was the first one.

I think in Deal or No Deal, in one of the boxes should be the severed head of a relative of the contestant.

That would give it a bit of a sort of mid-show kick.

Yeah, definitely.

Oh dear.

And Noel could do some amazing emoting with that kind of thing as well.

That would certainly cheer the whole thing up.

So text your suggestions to 64046 please listeners your idea for your ideas for TV shows spun off movies obviously the more stupid the better have you got another one or music?

I do let's have some music though first and then I'll give you a few more examples right now here's band of horses with no one's gonna love you

It's looking like the limb torn off Or all together just taken apart Or wheeling through an endless fall We are the everlasting

Ever gonna love you more than I do No one's gonna love you more than I do And anything to make you smile It is a better sign Of you to admire But they should never take so long

And no one is ever gonna love you more than I do No one's gonna love you more than I do

The whole thing's tumblin' down Things start splittin' at the seams and now The whole thing's tumblin' down Things start splittin' at the seams and now Things start splittin' at the seams and now

You are the ever-living ghost of what once was.

I never want to hear you say that you'd be better off, or you liked it that way.

And no one is ever gonna love you more than I.

No one's gonna love you more than I do Someone, they should've warned you But things start splitting up seem to now The whole thing's tumbling down Things start splitting up seem to now

Things start splitting at the seams and now It's tumbling down

Six Music.

Sunday Afternoons.

Steve Merchant.

On Six.

My dream is to actually be in one of those 50 Cent style pop videos when it's just women in bikinis on a yacht somewhere.

But the reality is if you're actually in that place, be nightmarish.

The novelty of the bikini ladies would wear off and then you would just go... And let's face it, if you were right there, we'd just get bullied by Kanye or Pete and Diddy or whoever's there.

Or you and your plus fours.

Me and my knotted handkerchief hat.

I used to wear them.

Stephen Merchant.

I did, I used to wear them at nightclubs, ironically.

Tomorrow afternoon, from 3 on BBC 6 Music.

stereo lab that's called miss modular it's from their 1997 album dots and loops that's one of their best ones yeah their last album was in 2004 was it yeah margarine eclipse they've got one coming out later this year apparently so yeah in fact i got a request from their record company for us to interview them yeah i saw that for some sort of a podcast you know they live very near us right do they yes they used to they certainly used to live in south london yeah would you be up for that

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

I think, well, I certainly would.

Yeah, they're fantastic.

We love Stereo Lab.

They're, uh, geniuses.

And hopefully they used to be, uh, still very much in love.

They've split up, I think.

Have they really?

Yeah, Tim Gein and Letitia.

It's a shame that they're not still very much in love.

But she's happily ensconced in some way.

It is a shame, isn't it?

It's a shame she's lovely.

She is lovely.

She was lovely.

Yeah.

I would have slept, you know, slipped into bed with them.

So would I. Tweak both of their nips.

They would have liked that.

That would have kept them together.

That's a nice thought.

Who would split up after that?

Okay, Ben, I think it's time for the jingle.

What if I don't want to?

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

Now, Text-A-Nation this week is all about films that could be turned into TV series.

And what we need from you listeners is to not only suggest the film, the more inappropriate the better, but what the mechanic of the TV show would be, i.e.

how they would stretch the premise of the film out for an infinite number of series.

Because no one goes into making a TV adaptation of a film thinking, well, it'll only be one series.

And the main difference between a film narrative and a TV series narrative is you have to avoid it ending.

Of course, you've got to keep it open-ended.

In film, it's important to work towards an ending.

Everything kind of comes from the ending.

Many writers write backwards from the ending.

In TV, very different.

No exactly just gotta end top little trivial plots and then you get and and it's frustrating of course for the audience cuz the audience believes or would like to believe that the people creating the TV series have an ending in science this is where many series go wrong the X-Files lost may have gone wrong it might be coming back in the new season you know.

It's like that speech in stand by me isn't it you remember about when they're sitting around the fire and they're talking about wagon train.

And talking about the fact that they'll never get to wherever they're going.

Yes exactly.

Similarly with the old Battlestar Galactica series when they never really seem to find Earth.

Yeah yeah.

And you'd be waiting for that the episode when they did.

And then it's a huge disappointment.

Did it happen in the end?

In the original series?

I don't know.

I think they did, didn't they?

I can't remember.

Maybe someone out there could remind us whether they actually did find Earth in the original Battlestar Galactica.

So here's a few more examples I had of movies that would be great, I think, as TV series.

You know, I didn't expand these ones, but what about Gandhi, the TV series?

What would he do week by week?

He would peacefully protest.

Yeah, that's basically it, isn't it?

About stuff.

On Golden Pond, the series.

Is that it for Gandhi?

Yeah.

What else can you think of in there?

I don't know.

He could get in some adventures.

He could solve crime.

He could travel forward in time.

Most of my ideas involve some crime solving.

I like it when people solve crime.

Well, crime's bad and it must be solved.

Solved.

So Gandhi would solve crime.

And then On Golden Pond?

What about Gandhi and Handy Andy?

That's a good idea.

It's some kind of DIY show.

Handy Gandy.

Handy Gandy and Handy.

Just an idea.

That's very nice.

Handy Andy and Gandy.

And they solve crime and there's some DIY.

Yeah.

And peace.

And on Golden Pond, they go and they row on the pond and they solve crime.

And Pan's Labyrinth, the TV series.

Well, hang on, you're just saying they sold mine.

I know, I hadn't really thought about... That's leading the listeners up the garden path.

That's true, isn't it?

If they just send those in, that's going to be a disaster.

I know, that's no good.

Come on, think, what would happen in Old... Old?

On Golden Pond.

That's about an old couple fighting, isn't it?

Yeah, and sort of coming to terms with their Twilight years.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess they get themselves fit.

He would die.

He would die very nearly die at the end of every episode.

Right.

But then just pull through.

Well, here's the thing.

Here's a technique that they use in Lost a great deal to spin absolutely everything out, of course, which is the flashback.

And of course now in the new season of Lost, they're using the flash forward, but basically flashing either back or forward from when the action is set in order to stretch everything out to an infinitesimal length.

So I was thinking Titanic, the TV series, right?

Titanic, before the burg, you could call it.

And the length of the voyages stretched out ad infinitum for however many series you want, with the use of flashbacks for every single passenger on board.

That's good because there's lots, aren't there?

There's a lot of passengers.

And so you just have flashbacks.

When you've run out of legitimate ones there's always stowaways.

Exactly.

Stowaways.

Fish.

The dolphins.

Family members of the back home.

You have their backstories.

Couple of guys hiding in the funnels.

The people that designed the ship.

If it was really successful you could take it down to the level of plankton and knits.

The knits in the hair of the band that kept playing on.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Brilliant.

A beautiful mind.

The TV series, which would be called Mind Games.

Disturbed math genius John Nash every week teams up with the FBI and each week uses a new maths puzzle to solve a crime.

Great.

It's educational as well.

That will be on in the morning.

And it would have Wordy in it.

You remember Wordy?

Words and pictures.

Yeah, the weird orange number man with no legs that floats around the place.

I do remember Wordy.

And also, of course, you know, we're never quite sure in a Beautiful Mind, the TV series, whether it's actually happening or whether it's part of a breakdown.

You know what I mean?

It's got that added edge of reality to it.

Hey man, we've got to go to the news in a second, but first here's a message from the boss.

Look at me, you know what you see?

I see a bad mother.

Look at me, you know what you see?

Paying the cost to beat a boss Look at me!

Know what you see?

I'm telling you so Having fun, I got much fun Having fun, I got much fun Having fun, I got much fun Having fun, I got much fun

I paid the cost I paid the cost I paid the cost I paid the cost I paid the cost I paid the cost

I'm a bad mother Head for the turnaround Head for the turnaround

That's James Brown.

You may have heard of him.

He's a singer from America.

That's called The Boss.

Here's the news.

On digital radio and online, BBC Six Music.

Rescue on stormy seas, 18 court accused of people smuggling and Six Nations starts today.

And in Six Music news, Graham Coxon plans new solo offering and Badly Drawn Boy is the rom-com's favourite.

Six Music.

BBC News at 10.30, I'm Nicky Cardwell.

The captain of a container ship who was badly injured when his vessel was caught in a storm off the Isles of Scilly has been winched onto a helicopter.

The helicopter from Chibnagh, RAF Chibnagh went out last night, but because of the weather conditions weren't able to do the evacuation.

So it's calmed down slightly now.

So the helicopter, as they say, from Coldrose has just winched them up.

That was Henry Purbrick from the Falmouth Coast Guard.

Several other people were also airlifted to safety.

And the stormy weather is causing problems inland as well.

1,500 homes in North Yorkshire are still without power after high winds brought down cables yesterday and dozens of motorists spent the night in temporary accommodation after snow blocked the A66 in County Durham.

EGG is cancelling 160,000 of its credit cards.

It's writing to affected customers to warn them that their cards will stop working in 35 days time.

Angela Knight from the Association of British Bankers says they're reassessing after a takeover.

regular spending either more than their limits or they've not paid back and paying back at the minimum level and they contact them accordingly.

Poland and the US have agreed in principle on a plan which would allow American missiles to be put on Polish territory.

Washington says it's to defend against a possible attack from Iran.

Russia is fiercely opposed to the plan.

Eight people, including a 15-year-old girl, are due in court for allegedly smuggling people into Britain.

They were all arrested in raids across London and at an address in Worcestershire earlier this week.

A court in Florida has cleared the Hollywood actor Wesley Snipes of tax evasion and conspiracy charges.

He was convicted though of three lesser charges of failing to fill in tax returns.

Six Music Sport in Ireland kicks off the Six Nations this afternoon against Italy at Croke Park.

That game starts at 2.

England v Wales at Twickenham kicks off at 4.30.

Now, with Six Music News, here's Ruth Barnes.

Well, there's been plenty of blur news about this week.

Will they or won't they get back into the studio?

Well, one thing for certain is that Graham Coxon has plans for his own solo career.

I'm going to record in a couple of weeks and record an update and then release it early and that's it.

And then I'm just going to sit and wait for the sun to come out.

He's told 6music he's working on a new concept album, which he hopes to release in the summer, and he explained the rather interesting storyline for us.

It's about a man who was born in possibly the 50s, grows up and meets a girl and gets married, then has to go to war and gets really knackered up and has a divorce and then goes mad and then dies, goes to heaven.

In other 6music news, an old badly drawn boy tracks getting a new lease of life after being included on the soundtrack to a romantic comedy.

The Time of Times was written two years ago and is on the 2006 album Born in the UK, but now it's coming out as a download single on Monday after being used in the film Definitely Maybe.

Although he thinks it's a little strange, badly drawn boy told 6music he's happy it's all happened.

For me, the album was almost finished.

I'm ready to move on in a lot of ways.

So this is a little bit of a Bruce-y bonus at the end of my album campaign.

It's a bit ironic, really, because it seems to be getting more attention than some of the singles we've released off the album before this.

But that's the way the world goes sometimes.

Finally, in case you didn't hear the news yesterday evening, Jay-Z's been confirmed for Glastonbury this year.

He'll play Saturday night.

Festival organiser Michael Evers told the BBC he wanted to break with tradition and put on something totally different.

He's also hoping it'll encourage a younger audience to register for tickets.

That's 6musicnews on X-Bulletins at 11.30.

It's too late now, it's twenty past two I spent all night just watching you

I think quite a lot as I stare at my shoes I find all these things that I push myself through There's nothing to say now, there's nothing to do You're just too nice to talk to Too nice to talk to Too nice to talk to Too nice to talk to

Thought you might tell me to go away Now I think quite a lot of my own point of view Is that all I had that's in common with you?

Emotions so garlic my heart is retarded You're too nice to talk to You're too nice to talk to You're too nice to talk to You're too nice to talk to

This evening hasn't gone on a plan Should I take this situation in hand?

Can't go on but I can see the dance In chamber feet I stamp and stamp and stack But nothing I do ever seems to be right The same night to my heaven Saturday night Out the window you might say I'm out of my mind But you're too nice to talk to

Too nice to talk to Too nice to talk to Too nice to talk to Too nice to talk to Too nice

That was the beat with Too Nice To Talk To.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC 6 Music.

I'm too boring to talk to, that's my problem.

You know?

Well, you're so boring they haven't even written a song about you.

No, exactly.

Too dull to talk to.

Now I was with... I've got my iPhone here, Joe.

You never miss an opportunity to tell us about your flipping iPhone.

Yeah, I've got the iPhone here.

Have you read they're reducing all the tariffs?

Have I?

Yeah.

That's good.

When I read that, a voice in my head said, I hope Adam has to stay on the expensive tariff, then I'll get one and it'll be cheaper and he'll be sussed.

And then I read, but existing customers will have their packages, you know, the price.

What did the voice in your head say then?

Damn!

Well, it's one of these things that provokes a lot of fury in people.

You know, I had a really strange conversation with a good friend of mine earlier this week, and suddenly, and we'd had a few drinkies actually, and it was sort of late in the evening, but I was... Who was this?

This was Dougie, and I was eulogizing about my iPhone and talking about all the great features.

Apparently, Dougie's just written a song called Too Boring to Talk To.

Yeah, that's true.

Anyway, he suddenly went totally nuts on me and just started coming out with this with this kind of digital race hate.

Do you know what I mean?

About what?

About Max in particular.

And just saying, oh, Mum's so fed up of Max and iPhones and all them stupid rip off products.

He didn't say them stupid.

but um you know what i mean because i was i was talking about the new uh they've like stupid new yeah well it does seem to make air they produced a new incredibly slim laptop yeah but it does seem as if they've crossed a certain line because it's got no disk drive right uh no firewire port or something i'm not being accurate here but it they've skimped on some essential stuff

That seems just a bit gratuitous, like it seems as if they've sacrificed actual usability for the sake of their idiots' sexiness.

Yeah, but it's all... That's why he was upset.

Maybe, maybe.

No, he was just upset in principle.

He said it's all just a big scam.

It's all just a way of ripping people off to seduce them into buying newer, sexier products every now and then, and actually... They've certainly got that down to a T Mac.

yeah in terms of exploiting that little gene in people's brains people out there who use PCs and shun Mac products probably won't kind of understand this but there's something a bit addictive about it and they really know how to how to exploit it don't they yeah I mean people still get really upset about it it was it was the most heated conversation I've had in quite a while.

If I'd been there I would have been with Dougie would you he would have ganged up

on you and made you feel awful.

Oh no, but you know I love using my Mac and everything and I'm certainly in the other camp.

I mean it's just opened up so many avenues and opportunities for me.

I really, I really love all their products.

Opportunities to surf the net.

Yeah, but maybe I'm just a drone.

I've been seduced by all the curves and the sleekness and I'm just a dork.

But you've never used a PC before have you?

No.

Why would you?

They're so ugly.

But here at the Big British Castle, we don't endorse any particular computer.

We or indeed, what are they called?

Abacus?

No.

Any counting machine is fine here at the castle.

In fact, they only use an abacus here at the Big British Castle.

You're not allowed to use any form of computer.

or Beads in Bowls.

The Bead Bowl.

Have you seen the new iBead Bowl?

I'm writing a script with Beads in Bowls.

Yeah.

I've got a very big tray.

How's it going?

Fine, but I don't know how I'm going to get it to America.

Yeah, it's going to take a while.

When did you start writing the Bead Bowl script?

1383.

Yeah, exactly.

That's the thing.

It just tends to be a little faster when you're using one of them new computers.

Anyway, it's time for more music now, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Laura Marling.

What do we know about Laura Marling?

Give me some Laura Marling facts.

Do we have facts?

Yes, her debut album, Alas, I Cannot Swim, will be released on Monday.

So that's exciting, listeners.

If you like this song, you can pop a tenner aside, and on Monday you can rush out to the plops and say, Gist that one, please.

Gist the little slice of that Marling right there, yeah.

Alternatively, if you hate it, you can go to the shops on Monday with a little hammer

and smash every copy.

You'll be arrested, but it might be worth it if you really hate it.

Who knows?

Let's have a listen, this is Ghosts.

He walked down a busy street staring solely at his feet Clutching pictures of past lovers at his side Stood at the table where she sat and removed his hat In respect of her presence Presents her with the pictures and says These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

Opened up his little heart, unlocked the lock that kept it dark Read a written warning, saying I'm still mourning Over ghosts, over ghosts, over ghosts, over ghosts That broke my heart before I met you Lover, please do not fall to your knees It's not like I believe in everlasting love

So he went crazy at 19, said he lost all his self esteem and couldn't understand why he was crying, crying, crying, crying He would stare at empty chairs, think of the ghost who once sat there The ghost that broke his heart, oh the ghost that broke my heart The ghost that broke his heart, oh the ghost that broke my heart The ghost, the ghost, the ghost, the ghost, the ghost, the ghost that broke my heart before he met you

Lover please do not fall to your knees It's not like I believe in everlasting love He says I'm so lost Not at all well Ooh

There was time that there was nothing left to be When it turned out I'd been following him and he'd been following me There was time after it was over We were just two lovers playing on each other's shoulder And I'd say, lover please do not fall to your knees It's not like I believe in you

There we go, that's Laura Marling with Ghosts.

It's time to test our producer, Ben, to see how fast he can produce the Text-A-Nation jingle.

Text-A-Nation.

Text, text, text.

Text-A-Nation.

What if I don't want to?

Text-A-Nation.

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter.

Text.

That was good.

Very fast.

He didn't have any warning.

He was right in there.

Look at that cheeky satisfied smile.

Little bit of a giggle.

It's just a little callback to that Laura Marling track.

She's going to be on Stephen Merchant's show tomorrow or next next Sunday.

So not tomorrow, but the one after Stephen is back tomorrow, though, right?

He's back from his holiday.

He's been away for a month or something outrageous.

But he's back with you listeners from three till five.

Yeah.

Can we go away for a month?

One day we will.

Yeah.

When we get fired.

Summer.

Yeah.

Only a mash of time.

Who would fill in?

Oh, we talked about this before.

Chuckle Brothers.

Texanation this week is all about TV series spin-offs from films.

The most unlikely and nutsoid off-the-wall ones.

Yeah, we kind of had to explain the guts out of it a little bit.

Here's my Apocalypse Now.

Apocalypse New, it's called.

The missions of Ben Willard Jr., right?

Every week, the son of Captain Willard, of course the Martin Sheen character in the film, Ben Willard Jr.

gets a new mission.

at which is resolved by the end of the show.

One week he has to confront the school bully and terminate the bullying with extreme prejudice, yeah?

And in the climactic scene he confronts the bully in a dimly lit locker room and listens to him spout.

That's terrible, there's no...

Sorry, that was harsh.

That's weaker because it doesn't have any of the trappings of the original film.

It's not set in a jungle.

If you were a fan of the film, why would you be drawn to a Wonder Years-style school thing that happened to have a lead character called... Because it's a mission.

I don't know because I thought maybe the thing about it was that it was like a mission and you know he meets all sorts of people along the way and he might be on a boat he might go on a boat there might be a boat trip if that's your problem and then like okay listen another week he has to visit his grandma she's gone completely insane and he has to terminate her with extreme prejudice.

That's horrible.

and she lives in a jungle all right happy yeah that's better yeah it's good uh so what what about have we got anything from the listeners yes we've got lots from the listeners here's one from sharmilla in colchester she says titanic the cereal you had an idea for titanic there adam before the burg sharmilla's it improved it slightly after rose dies and goes back to the titanic

Ghost ship every week she and Jack have to stop the ship crashing into different objects ie the Statue of Liberty a school full of children an iceberg full of spikes and excrement Every week the ship hits the object and most of the show focuses on the sinking everyone dies But it doesn't matter because they're already dead because of course it's a ghost ship

That's really very good.

I love the idea of it hitting a different thing.

Yeah.

And the idea that, you know, the writers wouldn't be constrained by any sense of reality.

Yeah.

An iceberg covered in spikes.

Full of spikes and excrement.

That's a good idea for a film on its own.

Sharmila, you've got a powerful noggin.

that's very good two and a half robo cops says stephan in brickston robo and his roommate ed 209 are trusted with the care of a mouthy orphan girl with a hilarious outcome now that's quite good isn't it's good yeah i think it would probably just be a cheeky toaster rather than an orphan girl yes don't you think or maybe orack from blake seven

maybe half cheeky girl half toaster i like the idea of a sitcom inhabited entirely by um robots well aurac would be the the kind of uh grandmother figure you know sort of wise c3po could turn up for a cameo that is a good idea metal mickey could show up yeah k9

All the robots.

All the robots would get together.

It'd be a big deal to get all the rights.

There'd have to be some serious conference table assemblies.

Anything's doable now in the alien versus predator world.

The money to be made for everybody would be extraordinary.

Absolutely.

Wow.

All the marketing and everything and yeah that's a good idea.

Well done Stefan in Brixton.

Very good.

Here's another one.

Arrrr, yeah, this will take some explaining, says Adam in Brighton.

A spin-off from The Shawshank Redemption, set two years after Morgan Freeman has met Tim Robbins on the beach in Mexico.

They're now living a frivolous life, sailing the oceans, they have a pet dolphin who helps them, you'll like this, solve crimes, and at the end of each episode they will have solved the crime somehow using a tiny teaspoon in the most fascinating and jaw-dropping manner.

There you have it.

That's the tiny teaspoon that Tim Robbins digs himself out of.

That's right.

And maybe a big poster of what was the poster of?

It was some film, wasn't it?

Oh, I never... A lady poster, wasn't it?

I never bought that.

Did you not?

The guards wouldn't look behind the poster.

Well, that nobody at any point over all those years lent casually against the poster and fell through the hole.

Why would they?

Why would they be in the cell, though?

The guards don't generally go in the cell.

Yeah, they do.

Guards can go where they want.

They do when they turn over the place.

Prisoners are constantly bumming each other and bouncing off the walls.

That's all they ever do, shooting up drugs.

They're constantly bouncing off the walls.

There's nothing else to do.

Yeah, but you're not going to bounce off the wall of your own cell and ruin your lady poster covering the escape hole.

I don't know, man.

I mean, it's a brilliant film.

I was in prison for a long time and let me tell you, you can cover almost anything up with a lady poster.

It's not a problem.

That's a good idea though and also I think you'd be missing a trick if you didn't have a scene every week where he has to crawl through excrement.

Do they do that in the short?

Yeah they do.

Very memorably like a long tunnel.

Each week the tunnel gets a little bit long and there's different stuff because it could be like I'm a celebrity get me out of here.

That's true I like the fact that you would always be thinking how are they going to work an excrement tunnel into this narrative?

There could be one set in the desert, one set in space and you'd be thinking wow how are they going to work it in?

What's that floating towards us?

Looks like some kind of tube.

Some kind of tube.

Let's investigate.

Do you really think we should after last week?

Let's have some more suggestions in a little bit.

Right now here's another piece of music that I've chosen for you listeners.

This is from one of my all-time favorite albums from one of my all-time favorite people.

It's uh... It's Daz Sampson.

It's Chico time.

No, it's David Byrne and this was I think his first solo album after leaving talking heads after splitting talking heads up cruelly by facts he went off and he did a kind of world music album and It was mainly Latin rhythms.

He was investigating there And this is one of my favorite tracks from that album Ray Momo and the track is called lie to me

There's the candy with the salt and...

Let it go

Emotion, you're drunk as hell

If you didn't watch Wednesday night's Torchwood, you didn't miss this.

Torchwood 1918 saw you with Tommy in the hospital telling him what to do.

And you certainly didn't miss this.

Does Tommy know what happens to him?

No.

You didn't miss out because BBC iPlayer lets you watch programmes from the last seven days on your computer.

BBC iPlayer.

Making the unmissable, unmissable.

Go to bbc.co.uk slash iPlayer.

Adam and Joe on 6music.

That's 8-Punk with Vampi- No, no, no, Vampire Weekend with 8-Punk.

Have you listened to that album yet, Jon?

No, that's the new big thing, isn't it?

Vampire Weekend.

It's good, man.

Yeah, we took that.

We got sent freebies of that.

Uh, did we?

Yeah, yeah.

You were going to leave yours behind.

You tossed it aside.

Adam's added.

Well, it did add a, it had a very poorly taken photo of a chandelier on the front.

You'd think someone would have checked that.

It should have had like a Kodak sticker on it.

So yeah, this album cover is rejected, but apparently it's the latest thing.

That would be a good idea.

Has anyone done that?

Put the Kodak sticker on the front of a crappy photo for an album.

You'd think.

Come on bands, you've got to sort your lives out.

Come on bands, pull your fingers out.

Will you pull your fingers out and wash them before you do anything, please?

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6Music.

Do we have any more text before we wrap up Text the Nation?

It's nearly 11.

The top of the hour is a special time on radio.

There's sometimes news.

There's something called a sweeper.

What is the function of the sweeper?

It's just to let people know that it's around about 11 o'clock, right?

Is that it, Ben?

Have we got one of those coming up?

Just to give structure, to add structure.

So in 20 seconds we've got to do that.

What happens if we miss the sweeper?

It just automatically kicks in now.

Really?

While we're speaking it suddenly.

We've got terrific text coming in.

Lots to read out.

It's going to be really great.

Ten seconds.

Joe's obsessed with the sweeper now.

He's worried if we miss it.

Text 64046.

Three seconds, two seconds.

BBC 6266 music on digital.

BBC six music.

Is that it?

That was it.

What a waste of time.

Really nicely hit you though.

You've got that.

That means it's 11 o'clock guys.

Exactly.

11 o'clock.

Have you got any text there that you can read out immediately or should we have some more music and then wrap it up?

Uh, let's have some more music.

Not a little bit of music.

What are your feelings on the Julian Cope situation?

I'm sorry.

Once again, as soon as I apologise about my voice, it's sort of annoying.

I don't like it when people have voice problems like this, you know, cause I always think they're putting it on.

Really.

Do you want me to get, do you remember the film Anaconda?

Yeah.

If I got a barrow and gave you a like... Tracheotomy.

Would that help?

Yeah, that would be ideal.

All right, we'll do that during the next song.

Yeah, so here's a little slice of Julian Cope for you.

Oh, Trampoline, this one is.

Yes, Trampoline.

So this is sort of mid, yeah, mid, mid period Nutty Cope, isn't it?

This is after he got himself back together again a little bit, but was still fairly demented.

And yes, Trampoline, Julian Cope.

From the heavens to the bottom of the sea Well I stand at every corner of the world And I stand in every corner of your heart

From the heavens to the bottom of the sea.

I can't believe you're trembling me.

Well, I stand at heaven's gate, come see me cry.

And tell me what is on your mind, my trampoline.

Trampoline.

I can't believe you're trampoline me.

Trampoline.

I can't believe you're trampoline me.

Trampoline.

I can't believe you're trampoline me.

You've turned into a son of a bitch.

But I cannot forget

I can't believe you're traveling me You tell it to me suddenly then Disagree I can't believe you're traveling me I can't believe you're traveling me You tell it to me suddenly then Disagree

See, he uses the word to mean two things there.

It's not only the bouncy, fun, spring-based piece of cloth.

It's also... That's what it says on the... If you buy a trampoline, that's what it says on the package.

Yeah, bouncy, fun, spring-based piece of cloth.

It's also the idea of being trampled by maybe women, maybe the system.

He's writing the song from the point of view of the cloth.

Yeah, exactly.

I can't believe you're trampling me.

Yeah.

I may be called a trampoline.

It might be fun for you, but you're really stretching my central tummy area.

Exactly.

Repeatedly.

You're stretching my credulity, my patience.

My springs in any second.

Now I'm going to hurl you off into the garden, make you land on the lawn and break your leg.

Yeah, exactly.

If you're lucky.

Could be worse.

Yeah, they're lethal, those things.

They are lethal.

Gotta have a net around them.

If you were a rich man with a big garden, would you have a big trampoline there?

Yeah, I'd have a series of trampolines.

I'd use it to get from my main house to my pool.

They'd be about seven or eight meters apart and I'd jump out of my bedroom window and I'd have them perfectly lined up and I'd boing and land in the pool.

You could just boing around and maybe a different sizes.

You could boing up the stairs instead of having stairs, just have a trampoline stairs.

I saw a brilliant trampoline based video this week.

You know, I, I host this thing at the BFI stroke NFT.

It's a forum for pop videos.

We show a lot of excellent pop videos, but bug.

Yeah.

book now for march always gets sold out um but we showed a brilliant one by this guy called real voters um for a band called just zz and uh it's all one shot from above a trampoline um and it's it's he's sort of basically exploring all the various cool trippy effects you can get from having people jumping around in various ways on trampolines i recommend you check it out listeners

What's the track called, did you just say?

I can't remember what the track is called, the band is called ZZZ.

The guy's called Rule Vooters.

Yeah, but no one can put that into a search.

Well, no, you type in R O E L and his surname is W O U T E R S. Rule Vooters.

And if you type that in and go to his website, he's got some amazing stuff there.

Well worth checking out.

you have a couple of little texts well we'll do those in a second maybe okay you're going to introduce yourself this is this is a free play and this might be a bad idea listeners but this is six music right people are supposed to like music adventurous yeah this is um many of you may have been to see the film Sweeney Todd Tim Burton's adaptation of Sweeney Todd the demon barber of Fleet Street right

And it's a pretty good movie.

It's based on the musical by Stephen Sondheim Yeah, he's something of a genius but Burton does a weird thing He leaves out the title track which is a really famous and fantastic and scary song

the theme of Sweeney Todd he completely omits it and you know some people generally are freaked out by this film not because it's gory it is quite gory but because they don't realize it's a musical in the trailer they hardly hint that it's a musical yeah and apparently lots of people are standing up and walking out oh really because they just can't believe that people are just singing the whole time and they sing more or less all the time don't know more or less yes there's some little dialogue exchanges but you know that's what proper musicals are all about really exactly

Anyway the music is amazing and sometimes kind of a genius and I thought it would be good to play the song that Burton inexplicably leaves out.

Apparently he filmed it but didn't use it.

Maybe because it's the only time where the characters actually sing into the lens, into camera and he thought that was too eggy.

But this song is wicked, man.

We'll be on the DVD extras, though, won't we?

Maybe.

And it's genuinely frightening.

And it's the theme tune.

It's like leaving out the song Chichi Chichi Bang Bang from Chichi Bang Bang Chichi Chichi.

Or Grease.

From Grease, yeah.

From Grease.

Why would you do that?

Why would you?

This is the Ballad of Sweeney Todd.

I take the tale of Sweeney Todd.

His skin was pale and his eye was odd.

He shaved the faces of gentlemen Who never thereafter were heard of again He trod the path that few have trod Di Sweeney Todd The demon-bomber of Fleet Street He kept a shop in London town Of fancy clients and wood renown

And what if none of their souls were saved?

They went to their maker impeccably shaped By Sweeney, by Sweeney Todd The demon barber of Fleet Street

The seeds of you, this room is there He hardly uses his fancy chair The more he lives, the more he lives He never forgets and he never forgives Perhaps today you gave a nod To Sweeney Todd

Or even bother a fleeting street.

Sweetie wishes the world away.

Sweetie's speaking for yesterday.

Hocking the plane.

Waiting the years.

Hearing the music that nobody hears.

Sweetie waits in the corner for Sweetie to come the door with a call.

No one can help.

Nothing can hide her.

Isn't that Sweetie then?

Sweetie wishes the world away.

Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie, Sweetie

Attend the tale of Squeenie Todd Attend the tale of Squeenie Todd He served a dog and a hungry dog He served a dog and a hungry dog To seek revenge may lead to hell But everyone doesn't know seldom as well A Squeenie A Squeenie Todd The demon father of fate Street

Hello, I'm Michael Ball.

This is BBC3 and I'm here with my guest Joe Cornish.

He's going through some of his favourite musicals there.

Why did you pick that one for us, Joe?

Well, I just love the costumes.

I love the stitching, the seamstressness, the dressing.

I just love musicals, the shouting, the pointing, the tiny seats, the Maltesers.

I love the theatre.

I love Sondheim.

Do you?

Yes.

Can I say that you're looking very, very attractive.

I've got six nipples.

Have you?

You can have two of them.

And that's my favorite number of nipples.

I've got no use for them at all.

Wonderful stuff.

I suckle piglets sometimes on a farm.

well thank you sorry if that insulted your ears but you know I was good it's a bit like what people say when they do things charity things you know if one person enjoyed yes then it's worth doing and you know one person did enjoy that

That was good.

Thanks.

Matt Stone, right, does South Park.

Yeah.

They went to visit Stephen Sondheim in his New York apartment after they'd made the South Park film.

Yes.

That was a musical.

Absolutely.

With a number of very memorable songs.

And Sondheim was suitably impressed, so they went to meet him.

He's quite old and he's a gay man, a man that likes other men's bits and bobs.

They said he had the most amazingly attractive sort of 21-year-old boyfriend.

Did he?

Yeah.

Good old Sondheim.

They were deeply impressed.

Nice going.

That a man as old as that could, through the power of music, attract a young, a youngling.

Nothing more attractive than success and talent.

It's true.

Props to Steve.

What other musicals has he done?

What are his most famous ones?

Into the Woods.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Lots of them.

He's good.

High School Musical.

He did High School Musical 2, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

And he also did some of the songs for The Secret of Nimr.

Okay.

Uh, it's time for a hub session.

Now we're going to wrap up text the nation after this folks or very shortly thereafter anyway.

Uh, but before that here is primal screen.

They're bad boys.

They're, they're dirty and they come from Scotland, but they're going to do a talkie introduction to this and you can hear from the tone of the man's voice that they just don't care.

They just don't give a fig.

If you want to fig off Bobby Gillespie, he won't.

He's not going to give you one.

This is from 2006.

Better go back to your mama She'll take care of you Lost your wife, lost your son This day I took you to the morn and come Yeah, I came to put my tail Better go back to your mama She'll take care of you

Country girl, take my hand Let me through this disease land I am tired, I am worried, I am worn I have stood, I have sinned All my soul is a dream Country girl, got to keep on keeping on

Crazy women, mess your hair Wake up drunk and greener So strange babe, yeah Kill the purple doctor Better grow back to mom She'll take care of you Come sweet girl, take my hand Let me kill this deceased man I'm out of time

All my soul is a dream come true, girl.

Got to keep on keeping on.

Got to keep strong, keeping on.

Got to keep on keeping strong.

Got to keep on keeping on.

When it's you, you've got to ride city roads

One thing I have to say before I have to go Be careful with your suit, it ain't just what you sew What can I hope I did?

What can I take?

Better go back tomorrow, I should've taken you One last time, country girl, tell mommy

Let me in the stairs to sleep I am tired, I can't wait, I am home I can't stop, I can't take all my soul It's a dream come true again Got to keep on keeping on

Come drink it, take my hand Make, make, make this disease land I am tired, I am weak, I am wrong I can't stop, I can't stand

That's Primal Scream, recorded in 2006 for their six music hub sessions, and they were singing Country Girl there of course.

Let's have the jingle, Ben.

Text!

Text the nation!

What if I don't want to?

Text the nation!

But I'm using email.

Is that a problem?

It doesn't matter!

Text!

I'm sorry mate.

You go, you go.

The theme for Text-A-Nation this week folks is inspired by... I can't believe you went.

Terminator The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

So rude.

The Chronicles.

You interrupted me.

And we're asking you to suggest movies that should be turned into TV series' and what those series' would be like.

Chris Eccles suggests a TV series based on Falling Down.

This would be an extension of the film Falling Down but it assumes that Michael Douglas' character didn't die where he gets more and more angry about life and stuff throughout the series culminating in him detonating a nuclear bomb in LA because he's so cross.

Fair enough.

They're heroes.

I would suggest that you steer away from the ending there.

Yes.

And that he just gets angrier and angrier and angrier and angrier without any kind of end.

Yeah.

And you sort of can't believe at the end of each series.

Can he get any angrier?

Yes, he can.

And that's why you tune back in and the angrier he gets, the smaller the things are that make him angry.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes.

So those two narrative strands, they go in opposite directions.

I'd watch that.

That's a good idea.

really vent a lot of spleen for a lot of people.

That would be brilliant.

And speaking of which, um, what was the, who was the guy that texted in earlier on to correct us about lost or he wasn't correcting us, but he was reminding us that everybody knows exactly when lost is going to end.

It's going to end after six series, 2010, 2010.

They know where it's going.

There's no question of them making it up as they go along, like a collection of ludicrous responses and everything is fine in the mythical world of lost.

So what else have you got there?

Nick Carver says Taxi Driver, the TV series.

It's called Taxi Driver Colon Road Trip.

Travis Bickle travels from town to town in his taxi, you'll like this bit, solving various crimes.

That's a good idea.

And dealing out vigilante justice before heading off into the sunset at the end.

Each episode opens with Travis looking into the mirror and talking to himself, explaining the story that will follow.

It ends also in front of the mirror as he wraps it all up, brackets

perhaps telling a joke, close brackets.

That's a very good idea, because I've noticed that Terminator The Sarah Connor Chronicles has this as well.

A lot of shows end with a bit of voiceover with some kind of aphorism or thought for the day, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, TV viewers are simple-minded folk.

Heroes does that in a really maddening way.

Travis's resourcefulness in the film, shown through the fabrication of his slidey gun hiding device, will be spun out into a more MacGyver-like ability to overcome obstacles with random objects.

That's good, so there's a sort of Inspector Gadget.

element to it every time he gets into some probably underage prostitute based pickle, which let's face it, let's face it, we all do every now and then.

A Travis pickle.

Something pops out from somewhere.

No.

Move on.

That's a very good idea.

Who was that one from?

That was from some bloke.

What was his name?

It was from Nick Carver.

Thank you very much, Nick.

We've had a couple of 2001 based suggestions.

Let me find them here.

They came in via text.

While you're finding those, can I just give you a couple more of mine?

Yeah.

Starsky and Hutch.

Now, just bear with me.

This might sound like an insane idea.

Well, it's already done the leap from small to big screen.

You're suggesting... What are you talking about?

You're suggesting popping it back in the... What do you mean?

On the small screen.

Well, you know that amazing film with Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson, right?

Yeah.

That would make a good TV show, don't you think?

Yeah.

But instead of playing it for laughs,

do it quite seriously and every week they solve crimes and they drive in their car.

What about that?

That's a very good idea.

Yeah.

That is.

Yeah.

OK.

Here's one.

I think this is from Ian in Birmingham.

It's anonymous.

But he says, how about a TV show from the film 2001?

It's all about the adventures of the black obelisk and its travels.

It's a cross between Lassie and Quantum Leap.

I like the idea of the obelisk as a kind of cute, you know, smooth, silent, immobile

kind of sure he turns up in different places every week and inspires different magical events around him there's that noise through the whole episode because the obelisk turns out to be full of universes doesn't it in 2010 the year we made contact directed by was it peter hyams yeah i think so uh yeah that's what happens they basically tell you it's full of stars i like that film

So yes, he could sort of go out doling out universes in various different parts of the universe.

But David from Braintree has a different angle on 2001, the TV series.

He says, 2001, a TV odyssey.

Dave Bowman and his cheeky robot sidekick Hal discover a new monolith each week and are sent on a quest to discover the meaning of existence.

Every week features Hal trying to kill Bowman in an increasingly comic style, with Dave then tripping out for the remaining minutes of the episode.

That's a good idea, you see, because lots of monoliths, they've each got something different inside them each week.

Yes.

Candy!

Yeah, one week.

You know, puppies.

another week exactly and sometimes it's something more profound the meaning of life and it has a connection it connects into you know tic tacs maybe well this is coming back to the whole thing about boxes which we know is is a solid gold way of generating interest for a tv show if you've got a box or an object with a mysterious thing inside it people want to know what it is

Here's a good one from Daniel Johnston in Sheffield.

He says the Kaiser Soze Chronicles.

Every week they set up a complicated plot, then reveal at the end that he was just making it all up.

Yeah.

I wonder if that's Daniel Johnston the musical, the tortured musical genius.

Probably.

Yeah.

Another one?

Yeah, go on.

Give us one more before we wrap.

Lord of the Rings, Frodo and Sam realise their obvious feelings for each other and every day deal with prejudice against two hobbits in love.

That's very nice.

It's like Will and Grace with hairy footed midgets.

Not majorly different.

I could be in it.

You could be in it.

Yeah.

That would be nice.

Thank you very much indeed for all your texts and emails.

We might have some more in a bit, might we?

If something amazing comes through I think we should probably wrap up text because we've got to play your song.

We've got hours.

We've got 35 minutes left.

The Witherman game show.

D-list celebrity dropped off on Spooky Island in an airplane.

Island populated by creepy actor types.

That's quite good, isn't it?

Like the Crystal Maze.

Is that a game show or a series?

A bit of both.

It's a... What do you get?

What's a hybrid of a game show and a series?

A gamesries.

A seer show.

I don't know, but that's a hybrid that hasn't been done yet.

A narrative, the narrative game show.

Why hasn't anyone done that yet?

Ah, Noel Edmonds, man, he could do that.

He's probably been working on it.

That's a good idea.

This is gonna happen, like, if we're sat here in two years time, there'll be a narrative game show on TV.

That must have been done before.

Who is it?

Someone else, speaking of which, someone else pointed out, I was talking about the idea of putting those Kodak advice labels on an album cover for a deliberately, deliberately rubbish photo.

Deliberately.

Someone says, Tim has texted us to say, or the all seeing eye had a Kodak advice label on the cover of the beat goes on.

Pip pip.

Cheers, Tim.

Thanks very much for that.

Now it's music time and this is, what is this?

Oh yeah, we're going to have a trail.

This is an exciting.

Oh no, I'm in the trailer.

We don't want to be late for the news.

This is Licky Lee with Little Bit.

But how we move from A to B, it can't be over

By my tainted heart And I will never ever be the first To say it was still a game over, ah ah ah I would do it, push button, pull trigger, pull mountain

Come here, stay with me Strug me by the hair Cause I would give anything, anything To have you as my man Come here, stay with me Strug me by the hair Cause I would give anything, anything

It's got a nice sound to it.

That's liquor Lee with little bit, which confusingly, she also pronounces little bit as well.

Isn't it?

Just trying to get her name in there as well.

Um, she's new on the scene.

That's that almost sounds like one of our song wars songs that you think in a good way.

I'm not saying it's like, but, uh, that was nice.

This is Adam and Joe on BBC six music.

It's time now for the news.

On digital radio and online, BBC 6Music.

Captain rescued from sinking ship weather causes power problems and US on collision course with Russia over missiles.

And in 6Music News, Graham Coxon's creative juices are flowing and Kylie's video deemed unsafe.

6Music.

BBC News at 11.30, I'm Nicky Cardwell.

The injured captain of a container ship off the Isles of Scilly has been rescued by helicopter.

Three injured men and four others were flown to the Royal Cornwall Hospital at Trillisk.

Ken Basley from Falmouth Coast Guard says the man will get the help he needs now.

We've been speaking to them all through the night.

It was thought that he had some serious spinal injuries and probably internal injuries.

That needs to be assessed by a doctor obviously at hospital.

We've done everything we could during the night to keep him safe and secure on board and the medical people on board the ship have done a brilliant job.

Hundreds of homes remain without power and some key roads are still blocked after high winds and heavy snowfall across much of the UK.

CE Electric's Michael Sargood says they're doing everything they can to get power back.

1,600 customers are still without supply, of which 1,200 of those are in North Yorkshire.

Our message at the moment is please bear with us.

We understand that this can be frustrating being without power, but we will get your lights back on.

Credit cards are to be withdrawn from 161,000 egg customers.

Cardholders will be able to continue making monthly payments on their balances, but won't be able to spend any more after the deadline.

The Minister for Children, Kevin Brennan, has rejected claims that children are being taken into care to meet local authority adoption targets linked to funding.

The minister says there was never a financial incentive for local authorities to meet national targets, which ended in 2006.

Poland and the US have agreed in principle on a plan which would allow the US to put a missile defence system on Polish territory, despite Russian opposition.

President Bush says it's to defend against a possible attack from Iran.

Six music sport and good old-fashioned brute force, that's the way to beat England, according to the Wales captain Ryan Jones, the head of their Six Nations opener this afternoon.

Ireland and Italy, though, kick off the tournament at Croke Park at 2pm.

Now with Six Music News, here's Ruth Barnes.

Six Music News.

Conflicting reports this week as to whether Blur will head back into the studio.

The band haven't recorded together since guitarist Graham Coxon walked out for Think Tank sessions in Morocco in 2002.

Graham Coxon's solo career has taken off.

He says there's a new album due soon.

He told Six Music he has some songs written which is in the process of fine tuning.

I've written an awful lot and they've gone into two piles and so I'm concentrating on one sort of an element of what I do more than the other and I think I got to a point in my last record where I'd sort of covered that really and I really wanted to concentrate on some other preoccupations so it's about those.

In other 6music news, Florida-based indie rockers Black Kids are touring the UK now, they play dates with Kate Nash, and tonight they play Bristol with Friendly Fires.

The band formed in 2006 and since playing a festival last year which sparked rave reviews on music blogs, lead singer and guitarist Reggie told us it's been a rollercoaster ride for them.

been very sudden it's come like a thief in the night just hit us I guess we played a festival in Athens called Athens pop fest and there are some bloggers there and they we played okay and so they raved about us and that's what got all this madness started for us

Finally, Kylie's latest video for her new song Wow has been pulled by the communications watchdog Ofcom.

It was due to receive its TV premiere on Channel 4 this week, but it was ruled that the strobe lighting effects were not within regulation guidelines.

E4 will broadcast the re-edited version next week.

That's 6 music news on xBulletins at 12.30.

On six music.

Adam and Joe.

On six music.

Polished in a compass that I hold in my sleep Down comes in on sticks but then he kicks like a horse There's a tiny cigarette case And the rest you can keep And the rest you can keep

Wait, I cannot help but fall There's a hole in my neighborhood down which falls Wait, I cannot help but fall

There's this whispering of jokers doing flesh by the pound To a chorus of symposies from the little town halls There'll be twisted karaoke and the air-seed lounge And I'll bring you feather roses, but it does you no good

And you don't share no gold There's a hole in my neighborhood down which of late I cannot help but fall There's a hole in my neighborhood down which of late I cannot help but fall

Which of late I cannot help before

that's elbow with grounds for divorce is that a new one elbow there yeah that's good isn't it it's one of those he's taken that route that a lot of people take every now and again just for the sake of it of the convicts you know the kind of spiritual music you get kind of a brother where art thou type thing yeah it's not up my street adam is it not be perfectly honest no you're not having a slice of garvey no

oh okay uh that's joe is that a bad thing to say nothing personal it's just not have you seen garvey no i'm sure he's a lovely he's a bear of a man he is he flatten you i'd take him no he would get you instantly man also you don't know my techniques yeah but he could crush you with his mind as well i'd fight dirty listen he would start off garvey would come at you with his mind and when i say dirty i mean porno sexually i have lots of porno mags i just flash them and

Yeah, you roll them up and you... They get distracted by all the stuff on display.

That's good.

Listen, you might remember years ago on this show we used to have a feature called Song Wars.

And about, well, about this time we'd sort of be reprising the songs.

About this time you might have heard this jingle.

It's time for soul.

But not anymore because we've stopped it.

It's having a little break.

It's having a break and you know I was resistant to the idea when it was first mooted at the beginning of our tenure here at the castle.

We'd done some songs when we filled in for Sean Keaveney on the breakfast show but we did one a week over five shows.

To carry on doing one a week I resisted but then you know when we started doing it regularly

I started to enjoy it.

I started to take pleasure in it.

It wasn't about the winning and losing.

It was about the act of creating something and then, you know, having a marginally appreciative audience to play them to.

And when it stopped, it was very sudden.

And like a bicycle going down a hill, I found it very hard to break, to stop.

You know, there's still a lot of momentum.

I don't know what the physics of it is.

You've still got songs to sing.

I've got songs to sing.

You've got a lot of music in you.

So on the Monday, on the Tuesday after the show, I was sitting at home, typing away, writing this thing, and I was getting a bit bored of writing.

And usually when I was bored of writing, I'd think, well, I have a little nibble at a song.

Yeah.

You know, keep the juices going.

So I, I had to do it anyway.

It just got to come out sometimes.

And this is, this is, it's only short, but this is a composition that expresses my, um, my, my sadness, my melancholy.

A bit of elegy for Song Wars.

An elegy for Song Wars, yeah.

It doesn't, doesn't have a name.

Uh, it's, it's a song.

Well, I suppose it's a song for Song Wars.

Yeah, end of part one.

Yeah.

Of Song Wars.

Here it is.

No more song wars.

Song wars is over.

Au revoir la guerre des champs-en.

There won't be any song wars anymore.

It started out as a game we played.

You'd write a song and I'd reciprocate.

We'd play the songs, let the listeners choose.

It ain't a competition if nobody loses Twelve weeks later and the score's eight-four I get the feeling you don't find this fun So we say No more song wars Some wars is over There won't be any song wars

Making this song takes a long, long time The rest of the show suffers and that ain't fine We got day jobs, we gotta earn some pay Gotta think of three hours of stuff to save No more song wars, song wars is over

what a couple of dears

Couple of dears.

That's very moving, man.

You sort of abandoned it at the end there, didn't you?

I didn't want it to be too long.

You suddenly, I could tell that it was very emotional at the beginning and that suddenly you just abandoned the emotion and you thought, listen, I've got a duty to amuse people and entertain here.

Yeah, I don't like to expose my heart.

This is the schism at the heart of the whole Song Wars exercise though, isn't it?

what between sincerity and stupidity exactly between listen when i was putting together my anti-piracy song there was tears rolling down my cheeks why no there wasn't but um i i at one point i had a three and a half minute cut of the song right it'll come out on the extended edition box set one day

But it was good, man, I'm telling you right now.

Not so much the bits with the anti-piracy chorus song, not those bits, but there were some amazing bits and I got really into it.

And it was quite, it was quite wicked stuff.

Well, we're going to find out a way of making the Song Wars archive available.

We're not going to ask people to pay for them, but we're going to somehow figure it out with the bearded alchemists here at the Big British Castle, a way to make a little site where they can be downloaded for the one or two people in mental homes that might be interested.

Yeah, we'll figure something out.

We'll let you know what happens.

So that's it for Song Wars for the time being.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we'll find something else to do in the meantime.

And we may, you know, we'll bring it back as and when, isn't it?

Sometimes it'll be, you'll just have a bit of music that just has to come out and then we'll, we'll do it.

Um, but until then, here's some more proper music for you.

This is Morrissey with That's How People Grow Up.

I was wasting my time trying to fall in love Disappointment came to me and booted me and bruised and hurt you

I was wasting my time looking for love Someone must look at me and see their sunlit dream I was wasting my time praying for love For a love that never comes from Someone who does not exist and

Always thinking about myself Someone on the deathbed said there are other sorrows too I was driving my car I crashed and broke my spine So yes, there are things worse in life than never being strong

That's Morrissey with That's How People Grow Up.

This is Adam and Joe here on BBC6 Music.

So the Oscars are coming up, Adam.

Oh, good.

It's exciting.

And it looks as if they're going to happen, right?

Yeah.

Well, fingers crossed.

It looks like the writers' strike might be resolved.

Everyone else has resolved their strikes.

The directors have.

It's starting to look a bit embarrassing for the writers and the, you know, blah, blah, blah.

You don't want to hear this waffle from me, do you?

But anyway, listen, here's the point that what if you were a famous actress?

Yes, I'm trying to imagine.

What would your name be?

Oh, something sexy, but, you know, intelligent.

Right.

Cindy maths?

Yeah, I was thinking titty genius.

Titty genius.

And what would you speak like?

Um, I will talk like this.

You're quite a low voice, so people took me seriously.

Okay, imagine you're nominated.

Yes.

And of course you subscribe to the Sky Satellite Service, therefore you get the Sky Mag.

Sure.

Yeah.

And you turned to Sky Mag and there's an article in here all about what to do to prepare for the Oscars if you're an actress.

Right.

All right.

You already have booked a top hairdresser, whittled your dresses down to a handful of choices, nabbed yourself an uber makeup artist and upped your exercise routine, correct?

Yes, my abs are hard now.

Okay, here's some more advice.

Celebrity trainer Kathy Kohler tells her clients,

including Julia Roberts and Michelle Pfeffer, to cut out sugar, salt and alcohol in the week leading up to the Oscars.

Certainly.

This is to avoid bloating to achieve a lean look.

Last year's Best Supporting Actress winner, Jennifer Hudson, slimmed her figure before the ceremony with a diet of smoked salmon and vegetables.

Yes, that's what I've been doing.

Okay, well that's not the end of it.

While they're purifying themselves on the inside, the ladies of Beverly Hills will also set about buffing, polishing, waxing and, whisper it, injecting themselves.

Nobody wants that dreaded sweat patch beamed to millions, so many actresses have Botox injected into their armpits and palms to stop them perspiring.

I didn't know Botox did that.

Celebrity dermatologist Dr Jessica Wu says this is the must for the hot, stressful red carpet.

Quote, for actresses so they don't stain their dresses and for actors who don't want clammy handshakes.

nobody likes to stink okay let's recap you've whittled the wardrobe you've got the uber makeup artist uh you've cut out sugar salt and alcohol you've fused all your paws shut forever injected your armpits and palms with botox that's not the end of it uh ole hendriksen

Facialists Charlize Theron and Renee Delvega recommends gals should have a facial seven days before an event so there's time for the inevitable breakouts to heal.

Right okay.

So seven days before you've got to have the breakout.

Oscar attending ladies will also spend this week being given free stuff.

Celebrities like Nick and Tuck, what?

Nip and Tuck's Kelly Carlson can pop along to special lounges all over town and nab free products and services worth up to half a million pounds.

just called stealing no i think they're allowed to oh it's the way he said nab i thought they were just running around nicking stuff no i'm quoting people just sky mag look we've just been robbed by kelly clarkson or whatever so you're busy yeah and finally kerry wan hairstylist nicole kidman recommends ladies have no hair days

to give their mains a rest from styling this week so it's ready for the blitz of the big night and you've got to get plenty of sleep early nights go a long way to repairing skin and making red carpet walkers look refreshed wow that i don't want to go anymore it's like sort of the restoration or something for women yeah that's horrible you know what do men have to do men don't have to do anything they just turn up and no if you're james gandalfini just carry on yeah you know just sleep in a in in the street the night before yeah

Yeah.

And no one says anything.

Yeah, with your head resting on it.

Jack Nicholson is not sealing his flipping paws, I'll tell you that much.

No.

It's men are lucky, we really don't have to bother.

That's terrible, isn't it?

How would you have a good time?

You would not in any way have a good time.

There'll come a day when people don't bother with that thing anymore, right?

Yeah.

Yes, you reckon?

Yeah, habits will change.

It's like people used to dress up smart for work.

Soon they won't bother.

And I can't wait for that day.

They'll just turn up in t-shirts.

But then it'll be sad, you know, you'll miss the dresses.

Who are you wearing?

Dunno, just Tommy t-shirt.

Yeah, it'd be good to turn up actually wearing a person, wouldn't it?

If Gunnar Hansen from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre won an Oscar, who are you wearing?

I don't know her name, but she stumbled into my house last night.

I gutted her like a fish.

OK, now here's a song that I requested be added to our playlist this week.

I really like this one.

It's Hot Chip with Ready for the Floor.

Do it, do it, do it now Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it now

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it, say it now Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now

I'm ready, I'm ready for a fall Stand up high on that blue wall Why don't you open up, retall?

We are ready, we are ready for a fall I can't hear your voice, do I have a choice?

I'm hoping with chance you might take the stance I can't hear your voice, do I have a choice?

You're sinking below, I'm using my force I'm hoping with chance you might take the stance You're my number one love Instead of calling up the wall Why don't you open up we're tall?

We are ready, we are ready for a fall I can't hear your voice, do I have a choice?

You're second below, I'm using my force I'm hoping with chance you might take the stance You're my number one

Open up the door We are ready, we are ready for the fall

Hot Chip with Ready for the Floor.

That's a good example of a guy, no disrespect to the bloke, but he hasn't got the best voice in the whole world.

You know what I mean?

Like he's not classic soulful voice, but still he manages to get some real emotion out of his little boxes of tricks there and his own voice as well.

You know what I mean?

Love that one.

That's pretty much it for us this week ladies and gentlemen Liz Kershaw is waiting in the wings Yes, she's sitting the other side of the the double glass looking like some kind of a sexy mermaid lounged on the sofa.

That's right She's got very low cut top arm.

Just make your fantasize Yeah, and we're just about to go off and record some introductions for our podcast of course and

Yeah don't forget that's available on the Adam and Joe page on the BBC6 music site or it's now available each week on iTunes.

I think it goes up on a Monday morning does it Ben or does it go up sooner than that?

Monday morning.

Monday morning there you go.

And I was being a bit sound queeny this week because I found out that I listened to them the other day and I didn't realise they were just mono.

The BBC is such a bureaucratic place that I love it.

Yeah.

That's where I was going with that.

No but one of the little annoying things is that

It's like it's the 60s and they've decided that they're going to do mono podcasts.

And to get that changed, you have to, I don't know, sleep with Gordon Brown or something.

There might be some revisions to the whole way podcasts are sent out from the BBC, but at the moment it's mono, which is frustrating for me because I took a while to make some nice little stereo jingles there.

All the Song Wars songs are in stereo.

come on BBC wake up it's the 90s for God's sake yeah exactly anyway we hope you enjoy those podcasts and thank you very much indeed for listening today we'll be back with you at the same time next week yeah thanks for all your texts and email as well and sorry if we didn't read it out we do secretly care yeah we care very much too much right now here's a track I chose for you listeners this is from a great reggae compilation called 200% dynamite this is Hopeton Lewis with sounds and pressure bye bye

Right now, sir.

Ooh-ee.

Get right on the beat now.

Ooh-ee.

Everybody gotta keep on moving right now, sir.

Gotta keep on coming in.

We can take it, now leave it

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